#Also he's transparent so you can make him hop around your dash if you want

[pianokantzart]

They blorbed him. They orbed him. They shrank him down like a gosh dang teacup poodle.

[xpeachesncream]

bands | thirteen

[ series masterlist ]

summary: jeon jungkook has it all: the looks, the fame, the money, the women. being considered the sexiest man in the industry, he finds no complaints about the way his life is going nor does he find any reason to apologize for the way he approaches it. he is a force to be reckoned with - until he meets you.

pairing: stripper!reader x idol!jjk

genre: (18+) strip club/nightlife au, post grad au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 3.9k

warnings: cussing, mature language/implied sexual content, slight degradation, trouble stirring behind the scenes if you squint, yeonjun and soobin (txt) make an appearance but also as reg 18 yr olds lol

tags: @brightcolorsoffendme​ @min-nicoleee​ @eggbutnotyolk​ @ra-mun-e @miinoongi​ @jimidol​ @ppeachyttae​ @thebeebi​ @bluesharksandfish​ @kooafraid​ @liriaus​ @thisartemisnevermisses​ @ggukkieland​ @preciouschimine​ @sunniejinnie​ @cypheruby​ @cyb3rbab3​ @masterlists101​ @awhnamjoon​ @redhedhoseok​ @wooya1224​ @taeismydeath @jikookiekosmos​ @un2-verse​ @aynsx​ @wearenot7withu​ (please message me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

"BTS' Jeon Jungkook rumored to be dating stripper from nightclub!"

"Jungkook is no longer single, ladies!"

"Jeon Jungkook is dating a stripper? Why the hell is he doing that?"

"Who the hell does she think she is? I bet she's not even pretty."

"Jungkook fell for a stripper? Out of all people? Damn, and I thought he was better than that."

Jungkook has been tired, the rumors constantly being spread day in and day out. But, it still didn't mean he was gonna say shit to prove himself to people out there. He didn't need to give anybody answers. Hell, this was strictly between you and him and that's how he wants to keep it.

Fuck every single one of you who didn't wanna be behind him and support him. Don't even think about calling yourself a fan of his if that's your mindset.

He could truly care less. He was happy and he felt ten times better than he has in a really long time. It's unfortunate how people love to stay narrow minded. The only thing that bothered him was the fact that it was so unfair for you - how they stuck to that stripper image, rather than really getting to know you beneath the surface.

But it's not like anyone else deserved to know the real you, not after all this shit. And he was gonna keep it that way, and protect you.

"Hey, don't listen to any of that shit, okay?" Jungkook says as he meets you in your car in the BigHit building garage. "None of that matters to me."

"I know, but Kook." You look at him. "Your career, BigHit literally might not even want me here and-and—"

"Then I'll make sure they understand it's not an issue, because it's really fucking not." He says, getting irritated only at the thought of the company giving him issues over you. He watches as you slightly frown, causing him to sigh and soften his own facial expression. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get worked up like that. It's just annoying how people are narrow-minded. This has absolutely nothing to do with you." You give him a small smile. "Come on, I'll walk you." You silently nod and hop out of your car. You follow beside him, your stomach in knots having to meet with their performance director. This meant you'd also most likely run into the rest of Bangtan.

In which happens to turn true pretty quickly.

"Jungkookie!" Hoseok says loudly down the hallway as he approaches the both of you. He does nothing besides smile, curiosity definitely filling his eyes.

"This is Y/N. Y/N, Hoseok hyung." He holds out his hand for you to shake, his head tilting ever so slightly because you know he's familiar with your face. He's just trying to remember from where. Or, he has recognized you, but he's trying his hardest not to say anything.

Cause they have seen all of you, especially in that fishnet bodysuit.

"Hi! Nice to meet you! You can call me Hobi for short. Are you meeting with someone?" You nod.

"Yeah." Is all you can reply with as you shyly tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Nice, goodluck!"

"Is everyone else here?" Jungkook asks, making Hobi nod.

"Yeah, but they're still running through some stuff in the dance studio. I just ran off to take a break."

"Okay." Jungkook looks at you. "Follow me, he's in one of the private studio rooms." You both part ways from Hoseok, the need to clutch onto Jungkook's arm immensely strong right now. You hold yourself off though, because even with passing a few female staff members, you catch them looking at you oddly with the way you're walking side by side with Jungkook.

Nope. Don't even think about it, Y/N. It doesn't matter.

Jungkook knocks softly on a door, the middle of it being made up of entirely frosted glass so it's difficult to see inside. Their performance director opens the door swiftly and welcomes you in with a warm smile, stepping aside to let you in.

"I've got it from here, Jungkookie. Thank you." Jungkook nods but tries to peek through the door to get one last glimpse of your face before he shuts it fully. "How are you doing, Y/N?" He sits in front of you, leaning onto his knees with his hands fully clasped together.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Good, tired." He chuckles. "Thanks for taking my call earlier and for meeting at such short notice on a weekend. I had a couple of things come up and didn't want to push things off until later." You smile.

"It's no problem."

"Jungkook tells me a lot about you."

"Does he now?" You chuckle and tilt your head to the side.

"Says you're a really good person. Super hardworking. Told me a little bit about your situation with your brother."

"Mmyeah, it's a little complicated."

"It's alright, no need to get into the details." He smiles before letting out a small sigh. "It's incredibly rare for me to hear Jungkook speak like that. In general. He's usually very closed off, doesn't like to let people in much. He really respects you, you know? Cares about you a whole lot." You slightly blush.

"I'm still getting used to it." He chuckled.

"Look, I know you've been worrying because of where you've been and all that, but I want to reassure you that none of it matters. I don't like to focus on all that. You're here as you, not her." He says, putting another pronoun to your stripper persona.

"Thank you, I appreciate it." He nods. There's a small pause before he begins to speak again.

"I could really use some help around here if you're still interested? The boys are becoming a lot for me to handle."

"Ah-uh, yeah! Of course I am." You found yourself stuttering at the sudden offer. Was this fucking real?! "But, you are aware of where me and Jungkook are at, right?" You ask, trying to be completely transparent and honest about their relationship. He nods and waves his hand out.

"As long as you keep it professional here, right?" You nod.

"Right."

"Come, let me show you around really quickly and have you formally meet the boys." You swallowed the lump in your throat. Fucking great. He definitely didn't know they've all seen your titties and pussy out during Yoongi's birthday, and now here you were - about to meet them again in this environment. Hobi was awkward enough even though he tried not to be.

Surprisingly, Jungkook wasn't waiting outside in the hallway like you thought he would be, but the tour commences and the PD is taking you around pretty quickly. You feel even more awkward and somewhat alone [even though you weren't] without Jungkook nearby, but you chug along and say your hello's to the people you're introduced to. He finally brings you into the dance studio, where there's loud ass music blasting, Jungkook, the boys and some backup dancers in front of the mirrors fooling around.

"Aye boys, come here real quick." You and Jimin lock eyes and your body suddenly gets tense. The room feels 10x hotter than it already is, especially when he slowly walks over and clenches his jaw. He is literally seeping with hate right now, maybe actually disgust, and he doesn't even try to hide it. Most of them for sure recognize you, but they seem to brush it off and give you a big wave/smile anyway.

"Last, that's Jimin - Jimin, Y/N." You give Jimin a fake smile, and the only thing his ass can reciprocate is the smallest, tight-lipped smile you have ever seen. You've never even seen your mom do that when she got mad or upset with you.

"Hi." Is all you can say.

"Sup." He looks at you before turning on his heel and walking away.

"Ooookay?" Namjoon furrows his brows as he watches Jimin walk away so rudely. "The hell was that about?"

"I knew that was Kookie's girlfriend! Maybe Jiminie remembers seeing her titties and shit too, needs to walk away before he gets his ass beat by him." Yoongi says lowly behind Namjoon.

"Yeah, like you're any better." Namjoon says, looking at Yoongi weirdly.

"I mean, we did see her practically naked." Jin says, chiming into the discussion.

"I touched her." Yoongi's mouth slightly hangs down. "I touched her."

"Go ahead, say it louder so Kookie can hear you." Jin nods sarcastically. "Go, say it!"

"No, stop." Yoongi's cheeks turn red while shaking his head and laughing. "He'll literally launch me out the window with one hand."

"Good."

"You asked for her to sit on your lap too, bro!"

"I was joking, and it's not like she did it anyway!"

"Whatever, I'm keeping my birthday deep in my memory storage."

"Clean slate for her so it should be for you too, my guy." Namjoon says as he has enough of their conversation.

You look at Jungkook who is silently standing there, looking like a big dork with a huge smile on his face and his thumbs up. You give him the tiniest nod before proceeding to follow the PD out.

"So?!" Jungkook dashes to meet you in their waiting room area, where an abnormally large picture of Jimin posing oddly hung up.

"He said he'll send me all the info and papers and stuff!" You respond excitedly as Kook hugs you and quickly swings you around.

"See, I knew it would work out!" He puts you down. "Are you gonna tell Kai?" You shook your head.

"Not today at least, it's his birthday and I don't wanna take away from that. It's his day." Jungkook smiles at you.

"Text me when you've picked him up? I should be home by then."

"Okay." You blush and back away, making Jungkook look at you with confusion. "I have to keep it professional here, duh."

"Ah I see." He chuckles. "That won't last very long."

"Jungkook." You whine.

"There's a lot of private rooms here and—"

"I'm not listening, sorry. I think Kai is suddenly calling me." You cover your ears as you begin to walk away, giving him one last smile before leaving him to the rest of rehearsals and whatever else they're doing. He laughs to himself as he waves you off, excited to get through the day so he can just spend time with you and Kai.

As the hours go on and it's about time for you to pick Kai up, you quickly stop by the store because you're a procrastinator and didn't buy Kai's birthday gift any earlier. You felt bad you weren't able to find the shoes he wanted, but you at least snagged the video game he had been talking about for a couple of days now. Before walking into the arcade, you made sure to write your birthday card and slip some more money into it before shoving it in your bag to give to him later.

"Your pretty sister is here." Yeonjun grabs Kai by the shoulder as he finishes up a game.

"Yeah, and you're too young for her."

"Age is nothing but a number. It's only like.. 6 years apart."

"Besides, she's taken, dude. Sorry." Kai snorts as he watches Yeonjun's smile fade. "You would have never had the chance."

"You're mean."

"I'm mean, or you just have really high, unrealistic expectations?" The rest of their friends laugh as they follow Kai over to you.

"Hey!" You smile at all his friends.

"Hiiiiii Y/N." They all say in unison, some waving in awe, while the others shyly dug their hands into their pockets. "Birthday boy, you all good to go? Got some good Loco Moco waiting for you."

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Happy birthday again, Kai! Get online later!" Soobin yells out.

"Yeah, yeah." He says, waving them off as he follows you out to your car.

"You guys run through the entire arcade?" Kai laughs.

"Pretty much." He sinks into his seat, legs damn near touching the glove compartment with how long he is. "I'm honestly so excited for Loco Moco. It's been years!"

"It has not been that long." You laughed.

"You're right, it's been months." Kai looks out the window. "Wait, you're passing the road to get to our go-to shop though?"

"Cause I found a better place."

"How is there a better place when that one was already supreme?!"

"Hey, trust me on this okay?" You laugh. Kai starts telling you about his day and how so many people he knew from school had been messaging him happy birthday. He truly looked his happiest today and it was all you could ask for. Though at the same time, your heart slightly sank at the fact that he'd be going off to uni soon and staying at the dorms. He was just growing up way too fast, and you wanted to spend as much time as you could with him now before he was too occupied being a college boy.

You slipped yourself past Jungkook's security, parking in the one guest spot they have in the garage that's closest to the elevator. Kai doesn't really question it and hops out anyway, his hands in his pockets as he follows you into the elevator and onto Jungkook's floor.

"You ready, kid?"

"Is this some like, Michelin Star Loco Moco restaurant?"

"Ah, I guess you could say that." You knocked on the door, hearing music playing in the background. Jungkook opens the door and Kai's eyes widen.

"Oh shit, that's Jungkook?" Kook laughs and steps aside to let you both in. "Sis why—what—how come you didn't tell me we were seeing your boyfriend? I look like a mess!" He says lowly.

"You don't!"

"Hey Kai! Happy Birthday!" Jungkook says smiling, making Kai actually blush. He's cheeks are tinted with a rosy color and he suddenly gets all shy.

"Thanks."

"Your brother's tall." Jungkook looks at him up and down.

"Looking at an 18 year old 6 footer."

"Must be nice."

"Go sit." Kai silently nods as he sits awkwardly on Kook's couch, while you go and check in on him in the kitchen.

"Is he always that shy?"

"No. Just with you, apparently. He's not even that shy around girls." You chuckle as he places a quick kiss on your head. "Need my help?" You still ask even though the plates are neatly prepared already.

"Not really." He smiles down at you. "You hungry though?"

"Starving, actually." Your eyes light up at the plates. "Ouuuuuu, yum."

"Honestly, I think this batch might be better than my first."

"Still honored to be your guinea pig." You carry a plate over to Jungkook's coffee table in the living room.

"Oh shit, that looks amazing." Kai says, slipping himself down from the couch to the floor so he could get a good whiff of the plate. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jungkook hands you the remote before walking into his room. "Pick something."

"Here, birthday boy. Help me choose."

"Let's watch Soul on Disney+." At this point, Jungkook comes out of his room with a wrapped present, his eyes locked on the TV.

"Ooh, I keep seeing this everywhere! Niceeeee." Jungkook says, smiling with Kai nodding and already digging into his plate. "By the way, this is for you." You shoot him a look as he sits on the floor by you, watching as Kai unwraps the present. Kai's eyes light up as he sees a shoebox underneath the wrapping, quickly flipping the lid open to reveal those blue Air Jordans he wanted.

"Kook?!" You say lowly, making him smile at you and gently pinch your side.

"Holy shit!" He holds out a shoe, only for him to immediately shake his head and close the box again. "Jungkook, I can't take this." Kai says.

"No, it's your birthday."

"Yeah, but isn't this expensive? You've already done so much for me and my sister, I-I don't want to—"

"Kai, it's cool. If it's one thing you can do to repay me, it's to take my present." You literally want to cry at how sweet Jungkook is being with your brother. He had been good to you, no doubt, but this was one thing you didn't expect from him at all. Quite frankly, you had forgotten you mentioned the shoes to him. The fact that he actually remembered and kept his word.

"Okay." Kai says, gently setting the box down aside before looking at Jungkook with a small smile on his face. "Thank you. I really appreciate it. Like, even with the food and everything. It means a lot to me."

"You're welcome." You give him a soft smile before digging into your food while Soul was already off to a start. Kai and Jungkook devour their food together, with you following shortly behind as Jungkook brings over a small ice cream cake from his fridge for Kai to blow his candles on. After the boys had helped themselves to a good serving of the cake, they started getting hyper and pulled up Smash Bros on Kook's Nintendo Switch [as if Kai hadn't played enough games today]. It started to get intense; the boys jumping and yelling everywhere, bouncing off of the walls, with you getting pulled into the competition every now and then. Even though you knew you'd lost over and over again, you happily joined in anyway, seeing how excited your brother was - plus, it was always a bonus to hear Jungkook's loudly obnoxious, nerdy laugh.

"I WIN!"

"Hey, hey, hey. I let you win because it's your birthday." Jungkook said, making Kai laugh as he crashed to the floor.

"Sure." Kai huffed and puffed. "Crap, I'm tired. What time is it?"

"Almost midnight. We should start heading out, bubba." You patted Kai's chest gently.

"What? No, it's late. Why don't you two just stay here?" You suddenly remembered you've had Kai's shit in your trunk since you dropped him off at Yeonjun's this morning. You didn't have any change of clothes, but that could easily be fixed with Jungkook's closet.

"Only if the queen wants, she's driving."

"It's late, baby." Jungkook says to you softly. "No way I'm letting you two head out there."

"Okay." You give him a small smile before handing your keys. "Can you do me a favor?" He chuckles.

"What is it?"

"Kai's duffle bag is in my trunk." He nods and takes your keys.

"I got it. Kai, you can take the guest room or my office room." Jungkook says with his 3-bedroom apartment having ass. "I have my computer in my office room though, and a pull out bed. I don't know how comfy you'll be."

"It's cool, I'll just take your guest room. I always bring my laptop and switch whenever I sleep at my sister's." Kai says getting up. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Jungkook says, toothlessly smiling at the both of you, completely endeared at how alike you two were - even down to the fact that you both said thank you for every little thing. If this was a result of Kai being close to you and having you as pretty much his mother figure, then Jungkook wouldn't know what to do with his feelings. He felt butterflies every time he thought about how cute and sweet you were, and he was always excited to be around you.

Jungkook does a quick jog to your car, grabbing Kai's Nike duffle from your trunk before jogging back to the elevator and back to his apartment. He walks in to see Kai helping you clean up the remaining dishes in the sink, tidying the rest of the things in his kitchen.

"Thank you." Jungkook says himself, a little unfamiliar with saying such a thing to be completely honest.

"You're welcome." You say softly, wiping your hands on his hand towel. "Off to bed, or are you gonna go online with your friends?"

"I'll see what they're up to, but I'm pretty beat. Today was fun." Kai smiles at the both of you. "I really appreciate it." You ruffle his hair a bit before gently pushing him towards his bedroom for the night.

"Bathroom's right over there, help yourself to anything you need."

"Don't stay up too late."

"Only if you aren't too loud." You gasp while Jungkook laughs out loud.

"Kai!"

"Hey, I'm just being honest. Please remember that I'm right in this room."

"Oh my god, go to bed." You shove him inside the room and shut his door. "Don't even say a word." You look at Jungkook shyly as you hurriedly brush past him to get into his room - even though Jungkook is literally right behind you with those long ass legs of his, making every stride so much easier for him to catch up to you.

"What's your outfit of choice tonight, pretty lady?" He shuts his door behind him as you start to make your way into his closet.

"Hm, I'll just wear this plain black--" You unfold it. "Balenciaga? Okay, I definitely can't just wear this to sleep."

"Why not?"

"Because this is like, name brand and everything."

"So?" He shrugs. "Just wear it, babygirl. It's not gonna make much of a difference, you're wearing it either way." You do a slight pout before you start to slip out of your clothes to get into his shirt. You make his way to his bathroom to take a little tinkle when you notice another toothbrush sitting next to his. A pink toothbrush, next to his blue one.

"Why do you have two toothbrushes?" You wash your hands as he comes in to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed.

"That's yours." Your eyes light up at his statement.

"Mine?"

"I figured since you'd be over more, it'd be easier for you." He furrows his brows lightly. "Unless.. you didn't want--" You press a kiss against his lips, his hands resting on your arms to keep you close.

"No, I did want that. Thank you."

"Of course, baby." He pecks your forehead.

"By the way, way to make me look like such a bad sister!" You say as you start getting your toothbrush ready.

"Why? The shoes?"

"The shoes, the Loco Moco, the games, the ice cream cake." You laughed. "I literally got him a video game and some money."

"I mean, he is turning 18. I wanted to help make it as memorable as possible."

"I appreciate you a lot. Really."

"I appreciate you too." Your eyes widen as you brush your teeth.

"Waaaaow, say thaht wun mohr tiyme." You say, pulling a Jungkook while brushing your teeth.

"Eye apprushiate yoh toh." You giggle. The both of you finish getting ready for bed before slipping into his warm sheets. Jungkook never goes to sleep early, however, he makes sure all the lights are off and that the show he's watching isn't too loud. You have no idea what's going on in his show, but you lay on his chest to watch for a little bit until you feel yourself getting a little more sleepy. He's holding you close, his hand brushing through your hair softly, causing tingles to ripple through your body.

"Kook."

"Yes, baby?"

"You make me happy." You say sleepily as you hung him tighter. He smiles down at you, your eyes now shut close as you slowly start to drift into a deep sleep. He presses a light kiss against your head, fingers still in your hair.

"You make me happy too, sweetheart."

[hk-plus-you]

Oh! Okay then, thank you! I just wanted have a match-up because...why not I suppose? Anyways- I'm a cisgender girl and ace/aro! I'm a shy person (as I'm usually on anon for these types of things because of that but it seems there is no anon function here, so uh- welp-), and I'm very quiet till I get out of my shell, which requires a lot of trust for me due to past issues and all. I'm introverted, and prefer to read or draw then try and interact with others unless they start the convo. (pt. 1)

the middle ask got eaten so this is from a dm I don't remember the full text, but here's what I think it was about: I think it was talking about how I dislike loud noises and sudden motions due to past events and my hypersensitive senses due my autism. I believe it also talked about how I forget things easily (as you can see right now lol)

and I can get overwhelmed by negativity easily. (yes, I know it's kinda strange, but it does happen.) I take sarcasm from others seriously, despite the fact I am also sarcastic. I often have no idea what is going on, and I just hop in and out of social interactions a lot, so I'm a bit chaotic. For any hobbies, like drawing, writing, listening to music, collecting and playing video games! I really love cats and any of my interests and will talk forever about them! I'm sorry for this being long

I match you with… Quirrel!

Hallownest is a dangerous and curious place. When you found the Black Egg Temple you see Quirrel staring at the thing. You were about to leave when he turned, immediately curious about what and who you were. He asks who you were and where you were from. He’s polite about it, and doesn’t press if you start feeling uncomfortable. He asks why you’re here, explaining that he has a bit of an ‘obsession with uncharted places’. When he turns back to the egg to talk about it his tone is excited, and spoken in almost breathless excitement. You awkwardly thank him for telling you what he knew of the egg before leaving. He seems nice at least but you wanted to continue exploring.

Most of how you explored Hallownest was just by being large enough to outpace anything that tried to attack you, and smacking what you couldn’t hard enough with a large stick to kill it. The strategy wasn’t elegant by any means, but it worked well enough.

Somehow, you found your way to Lake of Unn. You weren’t planning on approaching the moss knight, instead turning to the building.

To find Quirrel polishing his nail inside.

You stood at the door frame for a moment,  unsure what to do. Noticing your pause, Quirrel invited you in, patting the place beside him on the bench. He talked about the way here and how he enjoyed the lush Greenpath. You agreed on how the place was beautiful, but you weren’t exactly fond of the strong vinegar smell you couldn’t escape. The large mosquitos and chargers weren’t exactly endearing you to the place much more.

It’s then he noticed you didn’t have a proper weapon of some sort, just a particularly thick stick on the verge of breaking.

Immediately he was worried for you. You were out here on your own with that?! What happened if it broke? What if you encountered something with a shell that a simple stick couldn’t break?

He immediately offered to take you to the nailsmith, there were plenty of nails just scattered around that you could use that would be a hundred times more reliable. As nice as it was that he offered you also never even touched a sword -er- nail in your life. You wouldn’t be able to properly wield one if you tried. 

He’s growing more concerned by the second. You’ve gotten this far on your own but… Things are only going to get more dangerous.

You assure him you’ll be okay before leaving again. You wanted to find a place that smelled at least a little better than greenpath.

Thankfully the City of Tears fits that bill. You’re tired and just looking for a bench to sleep on. They’re typically pretty safe and the sound of rain was rather calming. 

For the third time in a few days Quirrel cheerily greets you, happy to see you again. You sit beside him, noting how you couldn’t seem to stop running into him. You two chat about the way here, the city itself, and eventually about personal interests. Before you realize it you’re rambling to him about the stories in your favorite games. 

When you meet him again it a similar story, Though Quirrel’s failing memory becomes more transparent, and you do what you can to reassure him. If he’s getting his memories back maybe as he explores he’ll keep remembering? For now you’d stay near the city of tears, most other places too dangerous or too overwhelming for your senses (much to your dismay). At least the guard gave a clear signal of when they were going to attack and could easily be tricked into dashing into various dangers. You just had to pack an extra pair of clothes and wear a waterproof jacket and shoes so you weren’t walking around sopping wet and cold.

You’re sitting at the blue lake drawing, a headphone in one ear to listen to music, when Quirrel startles you out of your focus. He greets you, and something seems off. You ask if he’s okay and he talks about a person named Monomon, his old teacher, and the duty that had stripped him of his memories from before. His teacher who he helped by giving the key, his mask, to end her life...

You hadn’t even noticed the missing mask till he mentioned it. Though that isn’t important, and you ask if there is anything you could do to help him feel better. It feels a bit awkward, but he gives the closest he gives to what he can to a smile. 

Quirrel thanks you for talking with him. He’s just feeling his old age catch up and misses his old teacher. With his former duty done he isn’t sure what to do.

You offer the idea of resting in Dirtmouth for a time. The town was peaceful and the bugs kind, having some time to rest and think may do him good.

He leaves his nail as you two make your way back to the sleepy town. Quirrel takes his own house, glad to finally have a place to rest his weary joint, a permanent place this time.

Your friendship with Quirrel is simple, but strong. You now visit him often, bringing and sharing things from your own home. He tells stories about his travels, about what he can remember from Hallownest before the infection, and what he hopes for in the future.

[imagine-loki]

The Slutty Webs One Weaves

Title : The Slutty Webs one Weaves

Chapter NO. 8

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki’s Asgardian wife learns women write fanfiction about him on a trip to Midgard. She’s edgy for the duration and lets him have it when they get back.

Author: lokilover9

Rating: M

Pepper returned from the lobby to an edgy Tony. "Was Hannah down there? What took you so long to answer your phone?"

"No and I was talking to someone."

"You stalled to make new friends? I worried you were dragging said witch up here in a headlock."

"Wrong. Is Loki still consoling Brianna?"

"Yes."

Pepper dropped a mini bomb and Tony disconcertedly sighed. "He isn't going to like this." The couple appeared at the guest room door. "Hey, Little Warrior. Feeling any better?"

She nodded.

"Badass and I wondered if you'd stick around. Maybe Daddikins can conjure Mario Kart? I miss you kicking my tushy."

Virginia's nervous smile had Loki encouraging it and once Tony had Brianna distracted, they slipped out of sight. She conveyed returning to the Tea shop, claimed Hannah resembled an old friend and asked which direction she'd gone in. The cashier said she did a double take at something in the lobby, appeared as though seeing a ghost and dashed towards the hotel exit without her purchases.

Loki's face became a storm of tumultuous emotions and she startled when a snap of his fingers conjured a book.

"Should I have said nothing?"

He cynically chuckled, scanning the title pages. "Ever thought your God in heaven found amusement in bombarding your life with fuckery, like the Norn's do mine? The arm of his celestial robe hanging high while he mockingly inspires you with a goblet of mead? 'Rise up, Homes. I'm off for a shag with Mary.'"

"All Midgardians have."

"Have all dragged their only friends into Alice's fucking wonderland where the big bad wolf keeps hounding at the door? Excuse me, I'm intertwining fairy tales."

"Probably half. Are you okay?"

"Right as rain, girlfriend. Right, found it. I haven't used this spell on a child and need the right measurement of ingredients."

She nervously stumbled over a pair of small shoes. "A 'spell???'"

"To make Brianna sleep. Shhh. I must concentrate."

She watched, dazzled, as tiny bottles appeared mid air and part of their contents emptied into his cupped palm. Moving it in a circular motion, they combined like fluid sand, glowed a soft white, then faded into transparent flakes as the book and bottles vanished.

"Calmly return to the main room with me?"

They did just as Tony blundered a turn at Mario. "I'ma gonna givva you such a smacka, you cartoon pisano."

When Brianna laughed, Loki waved his hand before her face from behind. "Forgive me, Min Lille."

"D..dad…"

Tony caught her. "What's up with the magically induced coma?"

"She's better off." Said Loki, sharper than intended.

Stark situated Little Warrior while he paced, grinding a fist into his palm. There hadn't been time to process any definitive plans to apprehend Brianna's captors and discovering the fourth incited a rage only her reciprocated love had contained. Now, his nerves were stretched to their limits, forcing him to convey more than he wanted, risk finally reaching out for help and configure one. Fast.

"Scotch, Snowflake?"

He sighed heavily and stopped. "I must keep a clear head and so should you. The secrecy and lies, the hiding, everything I've done has been to protect Brianna and yourselves since the instant she graced my life. If I'm to continue, we need to trust each other completely. No matter how disturbing my information, you will make no inquiries, tell no one and from here forth, do 'exactly' as I say. Should you veer off course, we leave for real and you'll be fighting a dangerous battle alone. You may regardless if I can't contain Thor's rage over this."

"A battle with who?"

"This will hit home, Tony. Give me your word."

"It's yours, Pepper's too, right?" She nodded. "For insurance, she can text you a pic of me in a chastity belt. Hell, send it to Jimmy Kimmel. Are we good?"

"I'd rather you signed a wager to become a goat. How much longer is your suite booked for?"

"Another ten days."

"Virginia, pack for a week please? I need your help with Brianna at a safe house. Tony, contact your pilot. You're going home."

"Alex is in Aruba celebrating his girlfriend's breast implants. 'Why' Loki?"

"Fuck." He muttered. "Because I'm certain Fury's involved in Brianna's existence and you 'don't' want him up your shit when you aren't there. He was fucking Hannah and six and half years ago, introduced her and Jillian to Viriginia at his fiftieth birthday bash."

Tony slid both hands down his face. "I..shit..whoa. How do you know that and who's Jillian?"

Pepper frantically retraced her memory. "Jillian...was she the petite brunette with doe like eyes?"

"Congratulations." Loki replied. "You've also met Brianna's Mother. It's all in her diary."

"WHAT?!?" Said the couple, shocked.

"Save your questions! If Brianna's the reason Hannah bailed, by now the evil foursome knows she's escaped and you're aware she exists. Were I Fury, I'd be gathering my accomplices for interrogation, initiating a low key search for the four of us and putting eyes on the Tower 'and' Thor, where he'll find Astrid. Please, 'help me.'"

"Okay, okay. Can you teleport me back?" Asked Stark.

"No. Fury knows I have that ability. If S.H.I.E.L.D's watching and never see you enter…"

"What the fuck? You think they're involved too?"

"Oh my god." Said Pepper.

Loki tuned them out and conjured a bag of burner phones. "Book a seat on the next flight out in any class. Delete our past conversations and cease using your phones to contact me. If Brianna awakens, have her call me on one of these. I'll be back before dawn."

"You're leaving???"

"Yes. To relocate Astrid and warn Thor. Wish me luck he doesn't break New Mexico."

Loki vanished into a portal leaving the couple aghast.

"Well Butch, we're up to our eyeballs in another shit storm. I should've ignored the flu and gone with you that night."

She cracked a tiny smile. "Before or after you fell asleep next to the toilet?"

Tony nodded, observing Brianna in her slumber. "And dreamt Buzz Lightyear brought me our duvet."

"High fevers induce hallucinations. That was me in a white pants suit."

"You sure sounded like 'Tim The Toolman Taylor.'

He was doing it again. Comedically rambling off topic to cushion the blow of a truth that rubbed him wrong from every angle.

"Tony?" Said Pepper.

"Hm?"

"Promise no veering? I haven't trusted Nick since Steve found those weapons on the Helicarrier."

"None of us Avengers do either. I won't, he's too dangerous. With the ability to fuck us over worse than any accusations of harboring a missing child could. Virginia..this is bad. What more was in that diary?"

"It is, but we have to stay focused. A sleep deprived, frazzled Loki discovering we aren't ready, won't want to talk. I'll get our suitcases."

Tony followed. "Did you bring a warm coat? I'll bet he conjured that safehouse in the Siberian Tundra." ***** Loki first returned to their room to collect his and Brianna's things. Time was crucial, but before seeking Astrid, he needed to tune into her ring. Left on, it steadily recorded her and using a hologram, he rewound to the day he departed Asgard and quickly scanned through the mundane.

He watched her pained reaction to his note, heard hers and Frigga's spiteful words, witnessed their treatment of Thor, heard himself being defended, their following remorse and the lies conjured betwixt Mother and son. Although impressed by Frigga duplicating Astrid's ring, he wasn't in the mood for another presumed 'lecture on morality' and fast forwarded to them parting ways in Asgard.

Night after night, he saw Astrid entering Ingrid's bed chamber and once heard his Mother in law scolding a hidden Roddy from her doorway. "Doth's thou newest mistress prefer perfuming as well? Your stench giveth you away."

He'd have laughed if not for Astrid's tears, but when forwarding to the present, she wasn't sleeping at Thor's. His means of travel would remain portals and high on adrenaline, he arrived to gather her belongings and cringed at the sounds of lovemaking.

"That's it princess. Take your Kings tallywacker like a good girl."

'Norns.' Loki conjured more burner phones, blared the living room's television and Thor came running, cock at full mast. "Brilliant way to greet an intruder, dingus."

"Brother!" Thor exuberantly bellowed on approach.

Loki conjured a dagger. "Hug me naked and tallywacker gets beheaded. Where's Astrid?"

"At the Rosewood."

Loki frowned. "You let my wife, who hops realms on a fucking whim, stay at a hotel???"

Jane came rushing down the stairs in a Betty Boop robe and he arched a brow. "Hi, Loki. It's only for two nights and she offered to give us time alone."

Thor's smile faded. "I didn't hear anything in the guest bedroom. Did you bug our house?"

"Yes, brother. 'I', snagged a side job installing covert surveillance on Midgards superheroes. Spark another spliff and do cover your cock?"

Jane did with a decorative plate from the dining table. "Astrid's room number is 718."

"She won't be returning. Do not leave, answer the door, your calls, or open the blinds. I 'will be' returning, but briefly."

In a flash, he was gone and Jane looked up at Thor. "I can't call in this soon, my vacation just ended."

"Loki wasn't asking, Jane. Something's awry." ***** Astrid had risen early and after seeking ice, dropped the bucket upon discovering Loki in her room. Accustomed to wearing Midgardian attire, her blue jean leggings contoured her shape, highlighted by a white tank beneath a second of mesh knit. Her blond waves cascaded down her breasts and she looked so virginal without makeup, his loins ached.

"Hello, my lovely."

Unsure what Thor had conveyed, she hesitated approaching. "Hi. I would offer you a drink but..." She knelt to gather the cubes and hide a falling tear. "I hav..haven't any liquor."

Loki lovingly gathered her into his arms. "Astrid."

"Forgive me, Min kjærlighet." She sobbed. "I made you run when needing me most."

He kissed her lips and cheeks. "I ran for a multitude of reasons, but have left Brianna sleeping to come for you."

"You knew I was on Midgard?"

"Not until recently and you mustn't be angry with Thor for not conveying so. He stayed silent at my request, even to Jane and was oblivious to our location. You mean the world to me as does Brianna now too, but something's gone wrong and I fear you're both in danger. It would take too long to explain and there's so much I must before you meet."

"Then let's return to Asgard. Wouldn't we be safe there?"

"We can't yet."

She slowly slid from his embrace, confused. "Brianna's in danger, yet isn't with you or Thor. She's with Tony and Pepper isn't she?"

"Yes, my lovely, but you can't be angry with them either. They've been wonderful to her."

"I'm not, I'm sad again. Everyone knew about her before me. What does that say about 'us', Loki? Are we okay?"

He embraced her again. "Yes. Darling, Tony, Pepper and Thor knew of her before I did too and you knew before Jane."

"Really? Wait, Thor lied to myself and your Mother?"

"Astrid, please. He had to, they too might be in danger and Brianna will panic if I'm not there when she awakens. Come with me to a temporary location until everybody's situated?" Loki kissed her hands. "It means being shielded from Heimdall for a while. If not, Thor can..."

She hastily kissed him. "I'm not returning to Asgard without you."

Loki wanted to bed her until she wailed his name so loud, her voice cracked every window in the hotel. "Prepare thyself, my lovely. You're going underground."

While she checked out, Loki ventured to Alberta and created her a lesser version of their bedchambers in Asgard.

Astrid caressed the beds plush duvet of greens and gold. "You replicated everything."

He conjured her luggage. "I wanted you to feel at home."

She smiled. "I'll be okay, Loki. Go."

With a newfound determination, Loki returned to Thor. "I thank the Valhallas you've dressed."

"You've seen me naked before, brother."

Loki addressed Jane. "He was playing nude hide and seek in the backwoods with some maidens, late for another archery lesson. Our father sent me searching. Without appearing rude, may we please have a moment alone?"

She frowned at Thor. "I'll be in the garage inflating my bicycle tires."

Thor waited for the door to close. "You could've said we were teens. How have we been compromised?"

"Clever, brother."

"Are Brianna and Astrid safe?"

Loki nodded.

"Flying human and Virginia?"

"Not if Jane talks."

A loud growl from Thor soon had her running back inside. "Holy shit on a pogo stick!"

He was standing in the living room holding their heavy glass coffee table above his head with Loki in his face. "Throw that and it vanishes before landing."

"Then I'll break something else!"

"This is why I kept information from you! Think rationally, Thor. Your neighbors will post this all over social media. How will that benefit any of us?"

He gently placed it down. "Brother, he..a child?"

"I know, but please let me handle it my way?"

"She's your daughter. I respect that. What do you need from us?" Loki eyed Jane and Thor sighed. "Yes, you can trust her."

When he was done talking, she hurled on the carpet while Thor pondered murdering Fury.

Loki used magic to clean it up. "You have my instructions. No interfering."

"We understand, brother. Go." ***** After leaving the Savoy, Hannah had rushed to the nearest pharmacy and returned to her hotel, spitting sparks. "That lying bitch! Her little brat does have powers!" She checked out, checked into another across town and called her boyfriend. He answered from a plane on it's way to England.

"Hello, pretty lady. Did you enjoy your heart throbs play? Wish I could've come."

Hannah eyed the stolen silk tie Tom had used to bound her wrists the night before and deviously grinned. 'I don't. Hiddleston and I hooked up.' "Tom was amazing." 'With a dick that makes yours look microscopic.' "How was Mrs. Finkelsteins second facelift?"

"Useless, but she's rich. I bought you some new lingerie."

"Did you keep the receipt? I'm breaking up with you."

"Hannah, why? What will I tell my parents?"

"Life doesn't always work out as planned? Don't miss your connecting flight to Sweden. Bye."

She hung up, turned her ringer off and opened a box of black hair dye. "Now that I'm screwed, so are you 'Pepper Potts' and your billionaire boyfriend."

[pokenimagines]

An Imagine of Sonya and Leon dating and Reader is really sad about it because they have a huge crush on Leon and reader is really sad but it ends fluffy, please 😳❤️?

Yes, hello, have no idea how to feel about this! Like I wrote it while very tired, and the ending seems rushed, but it was almost at the 2k word mark, and I was like, “Oh no!” Anyway, it’s pretty apparent how this will end since I’m a sucker for fluff and happy endings, but go ahead and read. I just…love these nerds? All of them? Can I marry everyone in SwSh because I love them? Time to get hitched, you guys! Now without further ado, it’s a story!

Misunderstandings: Leon x Reader x Sonia

It was absolutely crushing when the new champion of Galar realized that, with Leon’s newfound freedom, he decided to pursue a relationship with Sonia. Not only did the champion love Leon to pieces, but they also loved Sonia, making this the worst-case scenario for them. Both people they were interested in were dating one another. It would’ve been one thing if just one of them got into a relationship with someone else. Sure, it would’ve stung like no tomorrow, but at least they still had one love interest left. To think they’d get together…they should’ve seen it coming.

The champion looked down at their phone, seeing Hop had messaged them again about coming down to the lab to see him, and to update their Pokedex into the newest format. They had been avoiding going to town for a long time now and was really trying to explain to Hop that they were just too busy to go home. It wasn’t an entire lie, as he surely saw all of the news with them in it, magazines and whatnot as well as live interviews or mock battles. Even their battles with Raihan, the ones just for training, were sometimes broadcasted from Raihan’s phone.

Still, Hop was pretty persistent and wouldn’t take the ‘Why not just visit me?’ nonsense. Hop knew very well that the champion had a crush on his older brother and the professor he was apprenticing with. He knew the champion was purposefully avoiding the town, and he was getting sick of it. If the champion avoided the town forever, their friendship might fall apart a bit like Leon’s, and Sonia’s relationship did when Leon became champion.

Hop opted to just call, waiting a few moments before the familiar voice of the champion filtered in, “Hello Hop. Listen, I can’t come down this week. I have this thing with Nessa and training, and I just can’t afford the time right now.” The champion immediately began making excused, knowing full well of what Hop was going to be asking.

“Nice try, I called the other gym leaders to make sure they weren’t doing anything with you. Come down to Postwicke, visit your mom, or something. You can’t avoid home forever. Even Lee managed to visit when he was champion more often than you.” Hearing Leon’s name stung, and the champion flinched a bit before coughing into their fist.

“I’m uh…I’m getting sick.” The champion pretended, and Hop sighed loudly into the phone. The champion could hear voices in the background, one of them being that of Sonia. She was calling out to Hop for some reason and what Hop said next sent chills down the Champion’s spine.

“Ya Sonia, I’ll be there in a second. The ever so strong champion has apparently fallen victim to a cold and can’t handle life.” Hop shouted across the lab, and the champion just wanted to curl into a ball. There was shuffling as something was happening, and the champion was about to hang up, not wanting to deal with their best friend before a feminine voice picked up the phone.

“Are you okay? This is Sonia, by the way. Hop said you were sick? Need me to visit you?” Sonia began berating the champion with questions, and the champion blushed at her concern. One of the things they loved about her was the fact that she was really caring when it came to her friends. The champion bit their lip, trying to push back their feelings for her.

“I’m fine…I promise I am.” The champion said, and they could hear the cogs in Sonia’s head begin turning, and they decided they’d do whatever they could to assure her, “I’m at the tail end of it, so I’ll be fit as a fiddle probably by tomorrow or the next day, I swear it!” The champion said, and Sonia let out a sigh on the other end.

“Well, okay…do you think once you’re better, you’ll be able to visit then, or do I have to drag you out of your castle and make sure you’re actually alive.” Sonia said into the phone, and the champion knew there was no getting out of this one…perhaps.

“Listen because I’m sick I’m uh running behind on a lot of things. Once I’m all better, I’m sure I’ll have tons of things to uh catch u-up on and whatnot. So sorry, I can’t visit anytime soon…” The champion mentally high-fived themself for the quick response. Still, Sonia wasn’t convinced, and she was, oddly enough, more stubborn and persuasive than Hop was.

“Alright…so I’ll see you in two days either in Postwicke or Wyndon. You have until noon that day to decide who’s going where.” Sonia then clicked on them, making the champion let out the world’s loudest and most annoying groan. The small Charmander in their room just gave them an odd look before going back to taking their nap. The champion was going to actually die because of this woman.

After two days had passed, the Champion pulled into the sleepy town of Wedgehurst; a particularly smug Sonia and Hop were there to greet them, alongside an excited looking Leon. The champion didn’t make eye contact as they walked a bit closer to them, giving small greetings. Their grand plan was to excuse themself to go and visit their mother than disappear into the Slumbering Welds for the rest of their stay until they could go back to Wyndon.

“Not so fast, we haven’t seen you in months, and you’re going to dip out like that?” Sonia asked, grabbing the back of the champion’s hoodie as they tried making a hasty escape. They choked a bit before falling back and seeing an annoyed Sonia, glaring at them. They withered a bit under her glare, not knowing what to do as Leon put a hand on her shoulder, chuckling a bit.

“It’s alright, it was probably was a long journey here, and they might need some rest,” Leon assured her and seeing them interact just hurt the champion more as they looked away and caught Hop’s eyes. Perhaps if they tried to grab ahold of him and escape, this anguish would be a lot better.

“Don’t even think about it,” Hop said as soon as he noticed the look in the champion’s eyes. They blushed furiously at being so transparent, and Hop smirked, “I actually need to go and see professor Magnolia, so why don’t the three of you catch up?” Hop said with a devilish smirk.

“Good idea, Hop,” Leon said, enthusiastic as ever and utterly clueless to the inner turmoil of the new champion. They just wanted to run to their old bedroom and sob into a pillow or something. Being with the couple would only make things ten times worse for them.

“Excellent idea, actually.” Sonia sent him a wink, and he returned it before dashing off into who-knows-where. The three were left at the train station, and Sonia turned to the champion, giving them her soft smile and wanting to seemingly relax them now. The champion’s eyes darted to find an escape, and after not seeing one, decided to walk alongside them.

The trip to the lab was pretty silent, other than Leon and Sonia making small talk, and the champion just humming in agreement whenever the conversation needed a reply. The two knew that they weren’t really engaging in the discussion, and Sonia knew precisely why. She was smart and had noticed the champion’s feelings a long time ago. Probably before they even made it to Turffield. Leon had been a bit more dense about it, so she spelled it out to him once.

They finally arrived, and Sonia’s yamper happily jumped onto the leg of the champion, and they happily picked up the excited electric dog. At least the champion had one ally in this lab, even if he was good at occasionally electrocuting them. They all walked over to the small sitting area as Sonia put on some tea for them and sat down next to the champion.

“Anything interesting happening since becoming the champion? Meet anyone you’re interested in?” Sonia immediately asked, not skipping around with formalities, and the champion’s eyes bugged out a bit as they bit their lip nervously.

“No, to really. Just a lot of…work.” The champion tried to say, looking over at Leon and hoping to get some support. The champion hadn’t been lying that they had tons of work to do, constantly. They’d just occasionally volunteer for more whenever Hop was interested in having them come down to visit.

“Well, it is a lot of work…what do you do in your downtime?” Leon asked, leaning a bit against the table as the champion tried to look in every other direction but him. They soon opted to stare at the bookshelf, as that wouldn’t judge them at least.

“I uh, I prefer keeping myself busy whenever possible.” Less time for them to think about the two of them whenever they were working. Hell, the league probably thought they were a workaholic despite being a pretty lazy individual when they wanted to be.

Sonia sighed, rubbing her temples before she decided enough was enough, “Listen, I think we’ve tortured you enough for blatantly avoiding us.” Sonia began, and the champion opened their mouth to say something when she continued, “We both like you, okay. Leon and myself. As more than friends. We’ve been trying to get you here through Hop for months, but that stupid thick skull of yours has kept you away.” Sonia said, making everyone at the table blush.

“I thought we were going to word that way differently,” Leon said as he looked over at his girlfriend in shock. She just shrugged her shoulders, thinking that her way had even the best way. After all, she skipped to the point and wanted this awkward tension around the group to dissipate already. It was getting a bit annoying.

“You guys…what? You guys are going out together, though?” The champion asked, not understanding what the hell they were going on about? Was this some weird flex or something?

“Listen, it’s a polyamorous relationship deal. Do you want to go out with us? Like a huge couple? All three, together?” Sonia explained to them, and the champion took a moment. They had heard about polyamory, but they always assumed it was something that old couples did when the wife found some young guy, and he and the wife were together, but the husband just watched. Was their life a lie?

“So you want to be in a relationship with me? And him. And him and me? And him and you? Like love triangle, but it’s all requited love?” The champion said, pointing at everyone while referring to them. Leon found this amusing and actually laughed, getting hit in the chest by Sonia in the process.

“Yes, that’s exactly what we’re saying? Do you want to?” Leon asked, giving him that signature smirk that had them falling for him all over again. The champion opened their mouth, prepared to answer when the front door flung open, and there stood Hop.

“So is it done yet? Did they agree?” Hop asked, being far too impatient. He had been told to wait for a while for this discussion, but he was getting now too bored. If they hadn’t gotten to the good stuff yet, he was going to just get it out there for them. All three looked over at him before the champion began laughing. It felt like an entire universe was being lifted from their shoulders.

“Yes, I agree.” The champion said, looking between their two new lovers. Sonia and Leon’s face lit up at the thought, and the champion decided, at that moment, perhaps they’d make sure to visit town far more.

Request Info Here

[mischiefandspirits]

Mystery Meat: Hamburger

S01-E01, part 2 of 3: Danny’s finally getting the hang of his ghost powers... maybe.

Last time on Living Phantom ~ Next time on Living Phantom

“You okay?” Sam asked as she and her best friends came into the hall outside the cafeteria.

“He’s fine, no thanks to you,” Tucker said.

Danny ignored them as he peeked through the kitchen door to see an elderly woman floating inside. She was green-skinned and glowing, but otherwise looked like the typical cafeteria worker.

Tucker poked his head in as well and said, “Shouldn't be so bad. She looks a little like my grandmother.”

Danny stepped inside. “Shouldn't she be haunting a bingo hall?”

The woman turned to them and floated closer. In a sweet voice, she asked, “Hello, children. Can you help me? Today's lunch is meatloaf, but I don't see the meatloaf. Did someone change the menu?”

Tucker came in and pointed back at Sam as she followed. “Yeah. She did.”

The ghost suddenly doubled in size, her hair becoming white flames as green ones began to rise from her body. “YOU CHANGED THE MENU? THE MENU HAS BEEN THE SAME FOR FIFTY YEARS!”

Well, it's about thyme then, Danny thought as he spread his arms to protect his friends. “Get behind me!”

“Wow. I feel safe,” Sam deadpanned.

“I'm going ghost!” He raised his hands and the rings washed over him. He flew up to the ghost, only to hesitate when he got there.

What was he actually supposed to do? It’s not like he could just toss her back through the portal when it was halfway across town.

“I command you to… go away!”

She didn’t seem impressed by his very threatening order and sent piles of dishes at him.

He closed his eyes and tried to focus. He heard something shatter behind him and turned to look. He smiled as he saw the plates had all flown through him.

Progress!

He turned back to see another group of plates flying at Sam and dove down to intercept them. Almost unconsciously, he let go of the density in his legs, allowing the ectoplasm to merge into a wispy tail that propelled him forward. He placed himself in front of Sam and caught the plates, letting his energy flow over them to keep them piled on his arms in near-impossible stacks. He then did the same for Tucker when a third wave of plates shot towards him.

He set them all down on a counter and looked over the neat stacks with pride. Then deflated as he realized what, exactly, he was proud of. “Well, if this superhero thing doesn't work out, I can have an exciting career as a busboy.”

“I control lunch!” the ghost lunch lady snarled and Danny turned back to her to see the ranges lit with green flames and bouncing around behind her. “Lunch is sacred! Lunch has rules!” Suddenly she was small and soft again. She reached into her apron and pulled out a plate with a slice of transparent cake on it.

Danny was kind of creeped out, but also intrigued. Was it part of her powers? Did she just manifest food or was it some sort of pocket dimension, like hammerspace? More importantly, could he do that?

“Anybody want cake?”

Was it ghost cake? Would it taste like normal cake? Could humans safely eat ghost cake?

Sam and Tucker nodded.

The ghost tossed the cake to the side and grew big again.

Oh right, they were fighting.

“Too bad! Children who change my menu do not get dessert!”

The ghost flew off and the oven doors opened to spew fire. Danny arced his body around the flames, only to turn to see the ranges flying towards his friends. He dove towards them, coming up from behind to grab their shoulders. He let his energy flow into Sam and Tucker like he’d done the plates then focused.

A tingling sensation went through him, then down his connection to his friends.

He jerked backward and the three flew threw the wall. Losing intangibility once they were out, they rolled across the ground until they hit the lockers on the other side of the hall.

Tucker and Sam groaned, but Danny immediately hopped to his feet with a cheer. “It worked! Finally some real progress!”

“Congrats,” Tucker said half-heartedly.

“This is the thanks I get for thinking like an individual?” Sam hissed, pulling herself up.

No need to get fired up, Danny barely managed to keep himself from saying as he helped Tucker to his feet.

His ghost-form really needed to learn to keep its mouth shut. He’d spent years carefully staying neutral on the stupid debate and he wasn’t about to let his loose ghost mouth ruin everything. If either of them thought he’d chosen their side, they’d both become unbearable.

“Do you smell that?” Tucker asked. “It smells like… steak! Chicken! Barbecue!”

“You’re delusional,” Sam snorted.

Danny forced himself to breathe in order to scent the air. “I think I smell it too.”

An ominous wind blew past them and the three turned to the origin to see various meat products flying towards them. They braced themselves, but the food flew right past. They turned to see the ghost standing at the end of the hall, the meat swirling around her before attaching to her. Her energy seemed to grind up the meat as it did so, leaving her looking like a vaguely human-shaped hamburger mountain with glowing green eyes.

“Ew,” Danny and Sam said together, then Danny flinched.

Please don’t take that the wrong way, he thought, looking to his friends. Thankfully Sam was too busy being disgusted while Tucker was looking back the other way.

“But where did it come from?” He scowled. “Lancer!”

“Focus, Tuck.”

“Prepare to learn why meat is the most powerful of the five food groups!” the ghost shrieked before tilting her head. She held up a cookie and Danny really didn’t want to know where she got it. “Cookie?”

Sam shook her head, looking nauseated.

The ghost almost looked shocked before her voice became thunderous again. “Then perish!”

“Anything for you, Mr. Obama,” Danny muttered before he could help himself, and both his friends glared at him.

Fair. Stupid ghost mouth. Go away!

There was a flash of light and he looked down to see he was human once more. “Whoops! That wasn't what I meant.”

The ghost swatted him into Tucker then grabbed Sam and flew off.

“Come on! Change back! We gotta go!” Tucker said, dragging Danny to his feet.

“You two aren't going anywhere.”

They turned to see Mr. Lancer marching up with a stern look.

“Mr. Lancer?”

“Are you two responsible for the theft of the staff’s lunch?”

Their eyes widened and they quickly shook their heads.

“Then what are you doing out here?”

Danny gestured down at his clothes, which were still covered in soup, alongside meat juice from the ghost. “I accidentally knocked Dash’s tray over and spilled his food all over us both.”

“We were going to get him cleaned off,” Tucker agreed.

“Really?” The vice-principal asked, unconvinced.

“Yes.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Ask Dash. I’m sure he’ll be happy to complain about me.”

He stared them down then turned. “Follow me.”

They shared a worried look, but did so.

Mr. Lancer had them come into his office and sit in chairs in front of his desk. He pulled their files up on his computer. “Tucker Foley: Chronic tardiness, talking in class, repeated punishments for having a phone out in class. Danny Fenton: Thirty-four dropped beakers in the last month, banned for life from handling all fragile school property, but no severe mischief before today. So, gentlemen, tell me…” He stood. “WHY DID THE TWO OF YOU CONSPIRE TO STEAL ALL THE MEAT FROM THE STAFF LOUNGE?”

Danny scowled. “We didn’t, I swear! Ask Dash!”

“Oh I will, and if I find you’re lying -”

“We’re not.”

Mr. Lancer glared them down then walked to the door. “Stay here. I’ll be right back. Do not touch anything.”

They both nodded and the moment he was out the door, Danny slipped behind his desk.

“I knew he was hiding meat,” Tucker growled.

“Not the time,” Danny said, opening the security program.

“Yeah, I know. We gotta find Sam. For some reason, I feel like I got her kidnapped.”

“Maybe because you told the ghost she changed the menu? How about that?” Danny muttered, clicking through the cameras. He stopped at the basement camera near the cold room and gestured Tucker over. “Check it out. Meat trail.”

Footsteps sounded from down the hall and Tucker ran over to his seat as Danny closed the window. He leaped through the desk, landing in his chair just as the door opened and Mr. Lancer entered with Dash.

“Gentlemen, it’s your lucky day. You're free to go. However,” he held up a hand before they could run out and pointed at Danny, “you owe Mr. Baxter an apology for ruining his lunch and clothes.”

“Yeah, Fenton.”

I’m soup-rised Dash even knows what an apology is. “I’m sorry. Won’t happen again.”

Mr. Lancer nodded. “Go.”

Danny and Tucker ran out of the office and into the nearest bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~B~~~~~0~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~

Sam glared at the ghost as she lectured on and on about balanced diets and healthy schoolchildren.

“The food pyramid has been debunked,” Sam snapped.

“It is a staple.”

“It’s obsolete. Vegetarian and Vegan diets are healthier and better for the envi-”

The ghost cut her off with a laugh. “My dear child, meat is good for kids! It helps them grow and makes them smile! Why won't you eat it?”

Disgusted, Sam pulled her face away when the ghost tried to feed her. “We don't need meat. That's fact!”

The ghost grew to her scarier form. “SILENCE! You need discipline, manners, respect! You know where that comes from? MEAT!” She shrunk once more and held up a chicken leg and whole fish. “Chicken? Or fish?”

“Tofu stir fry.”

“Insufferable child!” The ghost threw down the food she was holding, then was body-slammed away.

Sam smiled as she looked over her shoulder to see Danny facing off against the ghost. The smile fell when she turned back around to see Tucker using a fork and knife to cut one of the steaks from the pile of meat keeping her pinned to the ground.

“I'll have you free in no time, Sam!”

“You've gotta be kidding me. Can’t you think of anything but your stomach for once?”

“Hey! In case you’re forgetting, your stomach is what got us into this in the first place!” Tucker said, pointing at her with his fork.

“My stomach! You were the one that complained to the ghost!”

Tucker ignored her, bringing the fork to his mouth to take a bite.

The bite flew off his fork and into the air, alongside the rest of the meat.

They turned to see the ghost transforming into a meat monster again, this time twice as large thanks to all the meat in the cool room. She grabbed Danny and Tucker held up his silverware.

“Help's on the way, buddy!”

Sam grabbed him and yanked him back as the ghost threw Danny and turned to them.

“Run?”

“Run.”

They ran for the exit, but the ghost shot a mound of meat past them to block the door. They tried to run the other direction, but the ghost was right at their heels. She raised her arms to crush them, but Danny darted in at the last minute.

He grabbed them both around their waist and Sam felt the cold, staticky feeling of his energy passing through them. Then they were flying through the wall of the cool room, up out of the basement, and into the schoolyard.

Sam smiled up at her friend, then frowned at the weary look on his face. “Gee, Danny. Fighting meat monsters, flying through walls; you must be exhausted.”

“What? Of course not! What would give… you… that idea?”

The three fell to the ground as Danny passed out.

Tucker and Sam shared a look.

“What do we do now?”

Sam checked the time on her watch. “We’ve got fifteen minutes until lunch is over. Let’s just drag him over to a table and hope we can wake him for class.”

Tucker nodded and grabbed the half-ghost’s feet while she grabbed him by the armpits. Thankfully their friend had always been small and light and having nearly half his mass replaced with ectoplasm only made him lighter so they were able to easily carry him to one of the lunch tables and lay him down on a bench.

Tucker dropped onto the other bench and laid his head on the table. “I didn’t get to eat anything.”

Sam shoved him off the bench and sat down.

He didn’t bother getting up, choosing to just lay on the floor glaring at her until the bell rang.

Danny was clearly exhausted when they woke him, but managed to get to his feet and stumble into the school with Sam’s help. They thanked the stars that their fifth period PE was health class that day and grabbed their books. They were all together for the last two periods of the day so they were able to keep an eye on Danny, jabbing him in the side whenever he started to nod off. When they got out, Tucker took his bag as Sam took most of his weight. Even then, they ended up having to carry Danny the last block to his house.

When Sam got the door open, she prepared herself for any questions the Fentons might ask.

She paused.

There was smoke in the air and Mr. and Mrs. Fenton were lying on the ground in front of the door, staring into the family room where Jazz was trying to pull her hair out of a vacuum cleaner that had Fenton Works decals on it.

A typical day in the Fenton household.

Sam adjusted her grip on Danny’s legs then they headed inside.

“Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Fenton! What a school day! Poor Danny nodded off,” Tucker said as they passed Danny’s parents and started up the stairs. “We figured we'd just carry him all the way home and tuck him into bed without any parental interaction whatsoever.”

“Don't get up! We know where to go. Bye!”

They sighed with relief as they made it to Danny’s room and dropped him on his bed.

“So what now? Homework?”

Sam started to nod, then she glanced at Danny. “Actually, I should probably loosen his binder first. We don’t know how long he’ll be sleeping.”

Tucker nodded and slipped out the door. "I'll grab snacks then."

[siempre-pedro]

How Ben Proposes

Ben Hardy x Reader 

Summary: While Ben’s on the press tour for Bohemian Rhapsody, an interviewer asks Ben about he proposes to the reader. This is what happened.

Word Count:  2.1k

The press tour was in full swing for the Borhap cast, Ben had lost count of which one they were on “Ben, Ben Ben,” Joe gasps holding up a ballpoint pen to Ben mouth as they sat backstage.

“What the hell are you doing?” Ben questions as he looks at the pen.

“Which scene was your favorite?” Joe snickers. The blonde rolls his eyes and pushes his friend away. He’d also lost count at the repetitive questions, he and Gwil even formed a betting pool amongst the cast. When one of the production crew came to get Ben and Joe they both smiled but shared a look that read they weren’t ready for another one.

“Ben Joe, thank you for sitting down with me,” the older woman with wavy blonde hair greeted as they all took their seats. The men smiled and gave the typical intro before they paused to show a trailer clip of the movie. Ben internally sighs as the woman directs her attention to him “Before we get started on this fantastic movie. Ben, congratulations on your engagement,” she beams. Ben’s head perks up and puts on the biggest smile as Joe laughs at him.

“T-thank you so much,” he says.

“I know we’re here to talk about the movie but I think everyone would like to know how it happened,” she leans forward and places her hands over her clipboard. Ben turns to Joe who gives him a quick nod to go on, it was his favorite story.

“It’s a funny story actually,” he starts, leaning back in his seat. The smile never left his face as he told the story.

“Ben watch out!” Y/N gasps. Ben grips the steering wheel a little bit tighter and furrows his eyebrows together. They were on holiday in Wales, driving through the narrow road up to the private cottage, much to Y/N displeasure. She sat in her seat, one hand on the ‘oh shit bar’ and the other pressed against the cloth ceiling, one of her feet was on the dash to brace herself just in case. She was terrified to say the least. “What if another car comes? Oh my God, we’re going to die!” She cries dramatically. Driving in the UK made her nervous but when the bushes get higher and the roads become more narrow she was ready to jump out of the small car to safety.

Ben turns his head and holds back a laugh at her distraught face, she was precious, even if she was yelling at him to focus on the road “Baby relax,” he sighs, resting a hand on her elevated knee. “I know what I’m doing.”

“I know! I trust you, I don’t trust them,” it came out more like a scream when she saw the hood of another car come into her field of sight. The dark car pulled off to the side, politely waving at the couple as they drove past. Ben smiled and waved before turning to his girlfriend, giving her a knowing look “See?”

“Whatever,” she sighs in relief and puts her leg down but tightens her grip on the handle. Ben stole glances at her as he drove, he watched her face journies as she tried to peer into the thick bushes as he head rested on the cold window. He was in love, deeply, madly in love with the woman in the passenger seat.

Terrifying moments felt like hours until they arrived at the small cottage. Y/N quickly got out of the car and marveled at the fact that she survived the devil’s road. She caught her breath that she held for most of the journey and finally took in the sight of the home. It was white with a dark brown roof and was covered in green leaves that had beautiful colorful flowers growing at the side. She grinned and walked up the stone walk away “Ben how did you find this place?” you ask, walking through the old front gate “I’ve never seen so much green!”

“Gwil recommended it to me,” Ben grunts as he takes out the heavy luggage out of the trunk. The Y/H/C girl folds her grey sweater-clad arms and smiles back at him. He walks up to her and kisses her cheek “I’m glad you like it, Darling. Let’s go see it.”

The inside was as beautiful as the outside, it was modern with plumbing, no faulty wiring, and a flat screen tv but it kept the charm of the Welsh countryside. She happily stared out the window at a heard of sheep that were roaming a few houses down, the man silently walks up behind her and wraps his strong arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder “I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you more,” he whispers back, looking at her near transparent reflection in the window. As he watches her, he’s hit with a realization. His green eyes open wide, taking a step back away from her which makes her turn to face him.

“Is everything ok?” she questions.

His sudden nerves begin to show “Y-yeah, of course, Darling, why wouldn’t I be?” he stammers, trying to dig out his cell phone from his back pocket.

“Ben?”

“I need to take care of some business stuff. Post production and all,” he laughs nervously before nearly running upstairs. Y/N shakes her head in confusion and cocks her head, what the hell just happened. She shook it off and walked into the kitchen, finding a take out menu on the fridge, praying the driver would make it through the bushes while he dialed the number.

Ben slammed the door o the bedroom and pushed back the locks of hair that fell when he was going up the stairs. He quickly took off his jacket and dialed a familiar number as he fixed the blue t-shirt he was wearing. He paced back and forth tapping anxiously on his hip.

“How’s the holiday?” the voice on the other end asks when he picks up the phone.

“Gwil you know Wales the best…I need your help,” he nearly whispers, just in case Y/N was coming to check up on him.

“Are you alright Mate?”

“I’m going to propose,” he whispers lowly.

“What the hell? That’s fantastic, you’re a lucky man,” he cheered.

The excitement and joy were short-lived when Ben told him the hitch “I don’t have a ring.”

“You don’t have a ring?”

“I only decided I was going to do this 2 minutes ago,” the blonde defended.

“How fast can you meet me in town? I need help.”

There’s a brief pause on the other line “Alright, can you get out of the house? I can be there in 30.”

“I’ll try. I owe you one.” Ben hangs up the phone and regains his composure before heading back downstairs, thinking about what to tell her.

“Ben is everything ok?” She asks worriedly from the couch.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry for worrying you but I have to leave for a while, I promise I’ll be back for dinner,” he explains as he walks behind the couch and kisses her lovingly on the forehead.

“Borhap stuff?” she guesses.

Damn, she was smarter than he was, he didn’t even think of that excuse “Borhap! Exactly. Gwilym and I have to sign some papers in town.”

Her worried expression softens “Tell him I said hello, be safe. I’ll save some take out for you.”

With that he ran off, muttering that he’d be safe. Slamming the door behind him she chuckles to herself and turns on the tv, immersing herself in a baking show “She forgot sugar,” she gasps in shock. She glances over at the kitchen and shrugs, this vacation was important for Ben since he finally finished wrapping the biggest movie of his career so far. An idea popped into her head, she hops up the couch and grabs the decorative basket off the table.

Later that night, Ben walks into the cottage with his hand protectively in his pocket, checking if the coast was clear. He smirks as he sees the living room that was now decorated with flowers from outside, she spent her time well he thought “Y/N!” he calls. She hurries down the stairs in a short white dress decorated with colorful butterflies.

“How was the signing?”

“Signing?” he questions, wrapping her in his arms.

“With Gwil?”

“Oh! Right, it was good, got it done,” he laughs, tucking a lock of curly Y/H/C behind her ear that fell from her messy top knot. She lowers her eyebrows in confusion, staring up into his eyes, she could tell he was nervous.

“Ben, what's wrong?”

“Nothing, Y/N I promise. I’m just hungry,” he covers, walking away from her.

“T-There’s take out on the table,” she informs him sadly, picking at her nail polish.

“I don’t deserve you,” he smiles “I’m going to change, start without me.”

She sat at the table, pushing back and forth a piece of broccoli on the plate while she waited for her boyfriend. What was his problem? Was he cheating? She gasps to herself but quickly composes herself, he wouldn’t do that. Probably just pressure of the job.

Ben finally came down the stairs in a dark yellow sweater and black jeans, smiling to himself “How’s dinner?”

“Cold,” she retorts.

“What's wrong?” he sits across from her and grabs one of the cartons.

“You’ve been acting weird all day,” she stabs at her meal roughly with her fork “Did I do something?”

Ben looks up in surprise “Of course not,” he reassures, “it’s not you I promise.”

“Then what is it?”

“I’m just hungry,” he answers, taking a bite.

“Fine,” she exhales and leans back in her seat, looking at him with doubtful eyes. She lays down her fork and stands up “I’m going to go look at the stars,” she tells him while she walks to the couch to grab the grey blanket that was laying on the back of it.

Y/N murmurs to herself as she walks outback, her bare feet squishing against the green grass below her. She steps out further taking int the cool early fall air, moaning in delight while she pulls the blanket around her shoulders tighter. When she looked up her breath was taken away, the millions of stars shown brightly, twinkling amongst themselves. She grins and looks around dreamily, picking out the familiar constellations.

She realizes why Ben took her here, you can’t see this many stars in the city, this was the perfect place. She wanted to share this with him, maybe it would calm him down. She turns around and sees him standing at the back door, a smile on his face and his hands in his pockets “It’s beautiful!” Y/N calls to him.

“You’re beautiful!” he responds before coming closer.

“Thank you for this, it’s remarkable.” She wraps her arms around the actor's neck and admires the way his skin glows underneath the moonlight.

“I knew you’d like it,” he kisses her forehead before joining her gaze up at the dazzling night sky. He brings her in closer, inhaling the sweet scent of her perfume and kissing her covered shoulder. “There’s something I need to tell you,” he starts. This was the moment he’d been waiting and preparing for. He steps back and puts his hand in his pocket.

“I love you more than anything in this life Y/N.”

“I love you too Ben,” her response comes out more like a question as she watches him.

“Today something happened and I have never been more sure of anything,” he pulls the black velvet box out of his pocket and gets down on one knee, half regretting it due to his clothed knee now damp and covered in dirt. Tears start to for min both of their eyes, Y/N lets the blanket fall off her shoulders and her hands come up to cover her heart.  “Y/N Y/L/N, will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?” he asks.

“Ben Hardy, of course I’ll marry you,” she answers as the tears fall from her eyes. Ben stands up and shakily puts the diamond ring on her finger, she looks down at her hands “Is this what you were doing all day?”

“Gwil helped,” he noted.

“It’s beautiful, I love you so much,” she says before kissing him.

Ben got lost in the story, a goofy smile plastered on his face. Joe finally nudged him before his friend spilled all the details.

“That is a beautiful story, again congratulations,” the woman tells him. Ben smiles graciously and gets comfortable in the couch. The interview was at least now a little more bearable with his fiancée on his mind, he’d let the other guys answer all the questions for the day.

[daddycardan]

Hi, could you please write some jealous cardan hc. Like somebody was hitting on Jude and he got very mad ;)

omg i’m sorry this took me fucking ages to respond to and it turned out to be incredibly long i got a lil carried away hehe, but here you go my dear cardan being the jealous slut that he naturally is

they’ve been—

well, not together

but they’ve been regularly hooking up during the past few months

sometimes it was messy and rushed, full of harsh words, urging themselves to finish

and other times it was slow and lazy, with long kisses, lingering touches, and soft, drunken whispers

they’ve never actually admitted, but they were kind of together

at least, Cardan liked to think it this way

he liked to think that Jude was his

that she belonged to him

and he hated that Jude so obviously disagreed

because

Jude picked up the habit of making scandalous appearances

at revels, she would wear short dresses that show the whole length of her legs

she would flash side boobs

she would paint her lips blood red, just to attract attention

she would drink and dance and laugh with the wildest group

she would even flirt with them

that shit made Cardan  r a g e

of course, if you asked Jude she would say she was just having a conversation

but Cardan knew better

and the worst part is that he can’t even tell her to stop

because then he would also have to admit that they are together

and that is a no no

so this time Cardan was lounging on his throne in his usual manner, resting his chin in his palm, eyelids slowly lowering as he was about to fall asleep

he was drunk, really drunk

and Jude hasn’t made her appearance yet

this made Cardan wonder what was she doing

is she staying away because she wants to annoy him?

or is she occupied with something or… someone?

or maybe she is just late for some other reason that he was too drunk to figure out?

he leaned back and closed his eyes, imagining a naked Jude sitting on his lap

he had to swallow back a sigh

he was just about to drift off when the constant murmur of the revellers somewhat changed

he opened his eyes again and he immediately noticed Jude, as she was making her way to the tables through the crowd, not even bothering to spare a look at her king

what was she—

Cardan stared at her, wide-eyed, not even believing what he saw

she was wearing nothing but a fine silky fabric wrapped around her body

the whole thing was so thin that her nipples were visible underneath the transparent layers

Cardan instantly felt the effect, mostly on his racing heart and hardening cock

“What the fuck,” he muttered to himself

Jude caught his eyes and her lips curled into a small, wicked smile

she is just playing, Cardan told himself

she just wants to provoke reaction

but when she sat down and started talking to a handsome, blue-skinned faerie boy, Cardan couldn’t think clearly anymore

he tried

he tried really hard not to give her any attention

but he couldn’t stop gawking at them

he noticed that the boy was basically talking to her boobs, not even looking at Jude’s face

he swallowed his anger and jealousy and turned back to his goblet of wine, slowly sipping on it

after ten minutes of sulking and an internal self-pitying monologue, he decided that this just cannot continue anymore

Jude isn’t the only one who can play games

oh no, he will show her

he hopped down from the dais and surrounded by a cloud of courtiers, he joined the twirling dance of the revellers

he hasn’t been with anyone but Jude in the past few months, but now

now, he was intentionally trying to get close to as many people as possible

just to get on Jude’s nerves a little

he was already drunk off his ass, so it didn’t really matter

after fondling at least a dozen boys and girls and making out with just as many, he withdrew from the dancing crowd and sat back on his throne with a satisfied look on his face

his lips were swollen from kissing and his fancy robes of state slightly disarranged

he tried to look for Jude, to see her reaction, to see how jealous he made her

but—

she was gone

and so was the blue boy

Cardan’s heart dropped, heavy ice-cold dread filling his veins

oh, no no no no, not that

he waved his guards away and frantically left the revel through a hidden side door

he rushed towards Jude’s chambers, as fast and quiet as he could

high-pitched laughter rang from somewhere just a few corners away and the realization that it belongs to Jude scared him so much that he almost tripped over in his own robe

he quickly slid behind a marble statue when Jude and the blue boy turned onto the hallway

“You are the most beautiful human being I’ve ever laid my eyes upon,” whispered the boy with a low, dreamy voice

Cardan had to stop himself from scoffing

ridiculous

but when he heard Jude’s giggle

Jude’s giggle

that sound kicked hard in the stomach

Jude never ever giggles

Cardan peered out from behind the statue and could see that the boy is leaning in, presumably with the intention of kissing her

“May I—”

“DON’T TOUCH HER!” he roared and revealing himself, he dashed towards them and shoved the boy away from her

“Cardan, what are you—Have you been following us?” Jude snapped, visibly stunned with surprise. But then surprise vanished and with a dangerous spark in her eyes, she bowed her head with false humility. “Forgive me, Your Majesty, how can I be for your service?”

“Oh, for my service?” Cardan’s voice was full of sour, acidic sarcasm. He could barely keep his temper in check. “Let me think… what about you send this little whore away?”

there was a long silence

the boy blinked at him a few times and when he comprehended, his face twisted into an ugly grimace

“Please forgive us, he didn’t mean—” Jude started pleading to him, but the boy turned on his heels and left, clearly offended

Cardan sighed in relief, but Jude looked furious

for no logical reason, really

like, this little bitch just finally left, she should be glad

“What were you even—AAARGH CARDAN, I could literally strangle you right now!” Jude groaned, clawing her fingers in frustration, staring at Cardan’s throat as though she was seriously considering the idea. “You stupid, stupid creature! Do you have any idea who were you talking to?”

Cardan shrugged

“Some disgusting little slut who was trying to seduce you but fortunately I stopped him before he could do any more harm? Yes, I saved you, your welcome, Jude.”

Jude buried her face in her hands, trying not to lose the remainings of her sanity

“That man was the Ambassador of the Undersea, Orlagh’s ward, from the Court of Pearls. He is the son of one of the most powerful lords of the Undersea.” She exhaled sharply. “You ought to know this, Cardan, for gods’ sake. I was trying to seduce him, to finally get Orlgah’s strategy out of him. Everything was going just perfectly. But thanks to your helpful assistance, now he is never going to talk to us ever again. He might even convince Orlagh to break faith with us and that could lead to open war. Do you understand this?”

Cardan pouted his lips, gaze drifting off, seemingly considering what Jude was saying, but without the slightest sense of guilt whatsoever

“I have a question,” he said finally, suddenly serious

“Yes?” Jude sighed

“Why do you show off your breasts though?”

Jude made a sharp half-laugh half-scoff

“Why do you act like an ignorant jerk though?”

“This is no joke, Jude, it’s really no good when you dress like this.” Cardan sounded like a concerned child, but Jude just sneered at him

“Good to know, next time I’m gonna show up naked.”

Cardan could sense that Jude was just joking, but he was past the point of caring or understanding

“People can’t see you like this,” he insisted, his gaze constantly shifting downwards, without his realizing

“Oh, really? Why?” Jude lifted her chin

“Because… um, because they might find it disturbing,” he blurted. “The Folk doesn’t much like humans. And… their bodies.”

Jude gazed at Cardan with a strange little smile on her face

“Oh, why, for me it looks like some particular Folk is very quite fond of my body.”

“Who could that be?” Cardan wondered

“I don’t know,” Jude stepped closer, so close that he could smell her sweet scent, that he could clearly see the adorable freckles sprayed on the bridge of her nose. “We should find out.”

the look on her face

her dangerous eyes

that little challenging smirk on her lips

that shit is what turns him on

she slowly reached for the edge of the silky, transparent fabric she was wearing, looking him deeply in the eyes

she loosened it enough to fall off, letting the fabric gather on the floor around her ankles

she was standing stark naked in front of him in the middle of the deserted, cold hallway

Cardan felt a jolt of guilty, hot lust spreading through his body as blood rushed into his cock

Jude tilted her head as if she were contemplating something

her palm pressed against his bulge, feeling his hardness

she looked up at his face, a dirty smirk pulling her lips

“You still can’t resist me, do you, little jealous bastard?”

no, he couldn’t

and he couldn’t resist grinning either when they headed to the bedroom

[brilliantorinsane]

The Speckled Band on Stage:      Yep, Still Gay

Note: I tagged those who reblogged the first part of this series. Please let me know if you would prefer not to be tagged in future posts.

This is the second installment in my series on obscure Sherlock Holmes film adaptations and their depiction of Holmes and Watson both individually and in relation to each other. (For a discussion of the 1921-23 silent films starring Eille Norwood, which appears to have been Doyle’s favorite adaptation, see here.)

I really didn’t mean to write a post about this one, seeing as it doesn’t strictly fit the theme of this series. It is a play, not a film, and it is only sort of an adaptation—although a retelling of The Speckled Band, it is written by Doyle himself. But while researching a very gay and very terrible 1931 film, I discovered that it was loosely adapted from this play. Naturally I read it as part of my research, telling myself that I wouldn’t get sidetracked writing a post about it. The failure of my self-control now lays before you.

In my defense, this play really is … well it really is Something. All sorts of wonderful and all sorts of tragic. If you’d prefer to read it for yourself before encountering the spoilers in this post, hop on over here and scroll to the second half of the webpage. And if you’ve got your subtext glasses so much as perched lightly on the end of your nose, be ready to be sent reeling by what you find.

(Spoilers below the cut)

Production and Reception                                  

Doyle’s decision to adapt The Speckled Band for the stage was rather spur-of-the-moment. He had leased a theater for six months in order to showcase The House of Temperley, an adaptation of his novel Rodney Stone, but the play was largely unsuccessful (x, x). Threatened with considerable financial loss, Doyle set to work and within a week had written The Speckled Band. Despite its rushed composition the play was decidedly successful, and Doyle seems to have been quite pleased with it (x).

The play alters the original short story considerably. Some changes are so inconsequential as to be puzzling—the villain’s name is changed from Roylott to Rylott, the names of the stepdaughters are switched, etc—but other alterations are structural and make a significant difference. In particular, instead of following Watson’s pov, the audience’s perspective revolves primarily around the Rylott house. The scenes introducing Holmes and Watson are also considerably altered and expanded for potentially unfamiliar audiences, and a good deal more shouting and action is introduced throughout. 

Oh, and Watson is engaged to Mary Morstan. Yeah. More on that later.

I have two complaints: First there is an uncomfortable dash of orientalism (i.e., western depictions of the east which cast it as mysterious, dangerous, and Other, and which played a largely unintentional but nonetheless significant role in justifying British imperialism), which is present in the original story but rather more prevalent in the stage play. Second, the female protagonist, although commendably brave, loses what little agency she had in the original story. But aside from these elements, I loved this play. The pacing is good and kept me engaged even when neither Sherlock or Watson are present, Dr. Rylott is genuinely frightening and I was really rather tense at times despite knowing the ending, and the occasional humor is on point—I actually laughed aloud once or twice. Further, ACD’s allegiance with the oppressed is out in full force, and there’s some genuinely touching commentary on the debilitating effects of abuse. And then, of course, there is Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson …

Sherlock Holmes on Stage                                      

Guys. This is, pure and undiluted, Sherlock Holmes at his best. If you ever start to fear that Sherlock really might be the cold and detached reasoning machine some folk have fixated on, just read the way Arthur Conan Doyle writes him in this play. You will never doubt again that he is anything besides a snarky ahead-of-his-time genius with a heart of literal gay gold. We’ll get to the ‘gay’ part in later section, so we’ll set aside his interactions with Watson for the moment. There is plenty else to discuss.

You see, this Holmes does spout a variation of that much abused line from A Scandal in Belgravia, saying: “[love] would disturb my reason, unbalance my faculties. Love is like a flaw in the crystal, sand in the clockwork, iron near the magnet.” I understand that the statement, here and in Scandle, refers specifically to romantic love. Yet I cannot think it’s an accident that nearly the very next moment Holmes is flatly refusing to find the wife of a clearly abusive husband, asking only enough questions to ensure that she has found a safe refuge, even though the law is on the husband’s side and the man offers a whopping fee of 500 pounds. As if Doyle wants to drive home that Holmes accepts cases purely on the basis of empathy for the downtrodden and not finances, Holmes then remarks: “I’m afraid I shall never be a rich man, Watson.” Added to this, the manner in which he listens to, comforts, and puts himself in danger for Roylott’s step-daughter Enid is genuinely touching. As many of us have asserted for years, Sherlock Holmes is the champion of justice, ally of the oppressed, and altogether a beautiful smol man. ‘Love is a flaw in the crystal,’ indeed.

There is also a pleasing dash of Holmes the psychologist. It appears most obviously in an early analysis of Dr. Roylott, but most touchingly toward Rylott’s mercilessly abused servant Rodgers. The man is essentially good-hearted but entirely incapacitated by fear of his master, and this leads to his betraying Enid’s attempts to contact Sherlock. It was obviously a shitty move, but Holmes, who earlier expressed understanding of the thoroughgoing damage caused by the man’s long, forced dependence on a maniac for his basic needs, responds compassionately: “He is not to be blamed. His master controls him.”

Added to this we have Holmes in disguises, bamf!Holmes, Holmes calling people idiots and taking far too much delight in dancing circles around them, and of course utterly brilliant Holmes (though that’s a given), so it seems almost an embarrassment of riches that we also get peak sassy Holmes. He makes a number of delightful appearances, although my favorite is the following, which occurs after he has agreed to protect Enid from Rylott:

RYLOTT: What I ask you to do — what I order you to do is to leave my affairs alone. Alone, sir — do you hear me? HOLMES: You are perfectly audible.

As utterly delightful as all of this is, Holmes’s darker side is not entirely absent, at least in his personal habits—the cocaine does make its appearance. But more on that later.

John Watson on Stage                                             

To be honest, I found myself rather anxious about how Doyle would depict Watson. We fans have been in the habit of discovering Watson between the lines of the cannon stories—as the man is far more interested in talking about Holmes than himself, it takes a bit of digging to discover Watson’s outstanding qualities. But what if the Watson we love so dearly is our own invention, and Doyle himself was simply uninterested in the man except as a conduit to portraying Holmes?

I really shouldn’t have worried.

It is true that Watson rather disappears into the background once Holmes is working. But that is not to say he becomes at all useless. In fact, the Watson in this play is quite simply our Watson—kind, steady, intelligent, dangerous, and with something of a temper hidden beneath the steady veneer.

In the play, Watson is the doctor who examines the body of the first murdered sister (who is here called Violet) two years before Holmes becomes involved in protecting the remaining sister, Enid. Watson, bright fellow that he is, clearly suspects that something is off. Ultimately there is nothing he can do at the time, but his involvement allows for one my favorite moments: Watson employing Holmes’s deductive skills. True, it is for a single,  relatively inconsequential matter; but he does it and he’s right and he impresses the whole room and guys! Watson! is! an! intelligent! man! I mean, we’ve all known that for forever, but its rather nice to get such a clear nod of agreement from Dyole.

In addition to his intelligence, Watson exhibits a empathy and compassion that in this story will be matched (not surpassed) only by that of Holmes. As an old friend of Rylott’s now-dead wife, Watson acts as comforter to the surviving girl. We are told that he came immediately and probably well in opposition to his own convenience when first he heard of the tragedy, and his treatment of Enid is gentle without being patronizing. Unsettled by the Rylott household and clearly wishing he could do more, he also repeatedly urges Enid to contact him if she has any suspicion of danger. All of this prompts Enid to declare: “Your kindness has been the one gleam of light in these dark days.” It is a lovely description of the man who has been a light in the dark for at least one other—the sort of testament we would have been unlikely to hear of if this story were reported through Watson’s own narration.

Again, I’ll leave the majority of his interactions with Holmes for the next section, but it is worth mentioning that there is no objection from him when Holmes turns down an easy 500 pounds. Watson is intelligent and he is good—he saw the signs of abuse and he would not have his friend benefit on those terms. These scenes also provide a wonderful dose of protective Watson. And while Holmes is of course at the head of the investigation, he and Watson are wonderfully in sync, and Watson proves his worth.

When it comes down to it, the Holmes and Watson in this play are transparently the two deeply compatible men we seek to dig out of cannon: mutually sharp and compassionate, courageous and quick to protect, with Holmes giving Watson stimulation and purpose and the means to aid others, and Watson providing Holmes with a firm right hand and a ready ear and a steadiness that counteracts the extremities that drive Holmes to cocaine. Watson and Holmes as Doyle portrayed them—as no other adaptation would portray them for far too many years—are just kinda perfect for each other.

But Watson is engaged.

So … What About Johnlock?                                  

*buries head in hands* *giggles* *sobs* … Yeah. Yeah, it’s here. Yeah.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect from this play. I thought that perhaps the stage would strike Doyle as too exposed and vulnerable, or that perhaps he wouldn’t trust the actors, or that he would feel unsafe without the veneer of Watson’s narration—that, one way or another, he’d be persuaded to leave the gay subtext out of this one. But, um, Doyle? Buddy? Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely chuffed that you managed to avoid allegations a la Oscar Wilde. But also … how?

Honestly, I’ve always wondered whether Doyle was aware that he was writing a love story or whether that’s what wound up on paper regardless of his intent. This play just might be my answer.

a.) Sherlock Holmes: The Work as a disguise

The most blaring subtext is concentrated in Act II Scene II, where Holmes first enters the stage and his primary interactions with Watson occur. This play takes place during one of the dark times when Watson isn’t living at Baker Street, and when he visits Holmes to present him with Enid’s case, Holmes comes out disguised as a workman. (Before this Watson comments with dismay on the evidence of Holmes’s continued cocaine habits—this will be significant later). The disguised Holmes pokes fun at Watson, who doesn’t recognize him, accusing him of being responsible for Holmes’s untidy habits. There may be a rather tragic subtextual undertone to the whole conversation, but there’s too much else to discuss. So I’ll leave that aside and instead highlight the exchange that occurs when Holmes drops his disguise:

WATSON: Good Heavens Holmes! I should never have recognized you. HOLMES: My dear Watson, when you begin to recognize me it will indeed be the beginning of the end. When your eagle eye penetrates my disguise I shall retire to an eligible poultry farm.

Now, this could be innocent enough—just a fun way to introduce the clever detective. But if one is at all alert to the mere possibility of subtext, alarum bells should be ringing full force at the fact that the first on-stage interaction between these two characters consists of Holme demonstrating his ability to hide his true identity from Watson, and then saying that if he was unable to deceive Watson it would literally be the end of his life as he knows it. And it’s worth taking note of his phrasing: not “when you begin to recognize my disguises,” but rather “when you begin to recognize me.” Is this just a matter of professional pride, or is there something deeper that Holmes is afraid of having discovered?

But you know, maybe I’m just reading into this. This is a story about preventing Enid’s murder, its got nothing to do with romance or love, that would be thematically inconsistent and out of place—

HOLMES: Well, Watson, what is your news? WATSON: Well, Holmes, I came here to tell you what I’m sure will please you. HOLMES: Engaged, Watson, engaged! … The successful suitor shines from you all over.

Oh. Okay then.

Now, it is important to understand that Watson’s marriage has literally nothing to do with the Rylott plot. The engagement in no way affects Watson’s movements, and Mary never appears on stage. No; the first half of this scene is devoted entirely to introducing us to Holmes—the few clients he sees in this section are clearly selected to give us a sense of his character, methods, and values. That means that for some reason Doyle thought that a proper understanding of Holmes requires a discussion of love and marriage—specifically, Watson’s marriage.

Watson, being an imbecile as well as an intelligent man, thinks Holmes will be pleased with his news. Holmes rises to the occasion as best he can, calling the news “better and better” when he discovers Mary Morstan is the woman Watson has chosen, but not before he lets slip the sentence: “What I had heard of you, or perhaps what I had not heard of you, had already excited my worst suspicions.” Worst suspicions, Holmes? I thought this was supposed to be giving you pleasure? Well, perhaps he’s merely being facetious.

But next moment he slips again, saying, “You lucky fellow! I envy you.” When Watson suggests that Holmes might find a woman of his own one day, Holmes cryptically replies: “No marriage without love, Watson.” This might have been the first line that really floored me—the bare fact of Holmes’s conviction that he will never love a woman (‘woman,’ of course, being implied in the concept of marriage at the time). But when Watson asks why, Holmes falls back on the “[love] would disturb my reason” nonsense.

Now to be clear, I understand that Holmes is specifically discussing romantic love here, and that there is no connection between a lack of romantic attachment and a lack of sentiment and care for others generally. But here’s the thing: Holmes’s self descriptor doesn’t depict him as aromantic—i.e., ‘I just don’t feel romantic stuff.’ It depicts him as a reasoning machine—‘strong emotions disrupt my process.’ And in context of literally every friggin thing he does in this entire play, that’s nonsense. It is abundantly clear that reason is his tool, but compassion and sentiment are his motives.

One might argue that this is slightly sloppy writing (it was composed in a hurry, after all), or that Holmes simply doesn’t have the words to describe his aromanticism. Yet just moments before he said he envied Watson’s relationship, and moments before that revealed himself to be a consummate actor whose very existence as he knows it depends on disguise …

The already unwieldy length of this analysis requires that I speed a bit through the goldmine that follows: through Holmes punting aside requests from a royal family and the actual Pope because Watson has a case in which he has a personal interest—and I can’t resist pointing out that Holmes says he will of course take the case if Watson has “any personal interest in it.” It’s not ‘I’ll make time in my busy schedule if this is really very important to you,’ it’s ‘oh, you have a thing that you at least kinda sorta care about? The Pope can wait.’ I must gloss over Holmes transparently wanting to get as much of Watson’s company as he can, declaring that he has always seen Watson as his partner, and wishing for a plaque with his and Watson’s names on it, despite heavy implications that Watson has been almost entirely absent from Holmes’s work for some time. I’ll just mention in passing the truly remarkable number of “my dear fellows” and “my dear Watsons" Holmes manages to drop in a brief space of time, his clear desire to protect Watson from the dangers of the case despite later informing Enid that he is “a useful companion on such an occasion,” and his cry of “No, Watson, no!” when his friend leaps up to protect him from the poker Rylott is threatening him with.

I will not, however, pass over what occurs when Watson leaves Holmes, intending to meet him at the train station later that day. Watson’s final words on his way out are: “Good bye—I’ll see you at the station,” to which Holmes replies, “Perhaps you will,” adding to himself: “Perhaps you will! Perhaps you won’t!” Ah, what’s that? On about disguising yourself from your best friend again, eh Holmes? But then, within the play this refers to the fact that Holmes intends to actually disguise himself at the train station, so it has a literal meaning and not a metaphorical one, it has nothing to do with a deeper hiddeness, certainly nothing to do with love—

HOLMES: Ever been in love Billy? BILLY: Not of late years, sir. HOLMES: Too busy, eh? BILLY: Yes, Mr. Holmes. HOLMES: Same here. Got my bag there, Billy? BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: Put in that revolver. BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: And the pipe and pouch. BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: The lens and the tape? BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: Plaster of Paris, for prints? BILLY: Yes, sir. HOLMES: Oh, and the cocaine.

Oh … oh. Shit.

Please understand that this exchange—consisting of Holmes again raising the topic of love immediately after returning to the subject of his disguise, both of which he addresses as soon as Watson has left, as if he could not discuss them in front of his friend—comes apropos of nothing except Watson’s announcement of his engagement far back at the beginning of the scene. And I don’t see how the way he raises the subject and dismisses it can be seen as anything but the covering of some deep emotion—there is longing in the way he immediately brings it up, showing that it has stuck in his mind the whole while, and something tragic in the way he next-moment dismisses the clear preoccupation with the claim of being ‘too busy,’ clearly echoing the ‘I envy you … love is not for me’ progression of his earlier exchange with Watson.

And I get that in theory this longing for but dismissal of love could be read in a number of ways besides a socially forbidden love for his recently engaged partner. One might argue, for example, that he is aromantic but lonely and longing for the consistency of attachment others find in romantic love, or that he’s bursting with all sorts of hetero affections that he has chosen to sacrifice for the sake of The Work.

I would simply ask any inclined towards those arguments to consider the framing of this scene. I would ask them to question why ACD chose to introduce and conclude the scene which functions as an introduction to Holmes with the detective’s ability and need to disguise himself from Watson specifically, immediately juxtaposed with discussions of romantic love and Holmes’s desire for it which is clearly present but immediately veiled—disguised?—by his commitment to the work, with the cocaine hovering ominously behind. Then consider that between these mirrored book-ends we watch Holmes allow the man from whom he must disguise himself to disrupt the flow of the work which he claimed was supreme, making clear his wish that Watson be drawn into that work—a desire counteracted only by the transparent fact that he would prefer to risk his own bodily injury rather than put his friend in harm’s way. Add to all of this that Doyle works in a mention of the Milverton case and thus allows Holmes to comment on how his ruse to undermine Milverton involves courting and being courted by a woman and how distasteful he finds the experience and—well, you much reach your own conclusions. I have reached mine.

b.) Watson: Substitutionary desire

I began by speaking of Holmes because the subtext is monumentally more apparent on his part, and unlike Holmes it would be easy and even (though I cringe to say it) reasonable to read Watson as a comfortable heterosexual in this play. Does this mean that Doyle wrote one of those dreadful adaptations in which Holmes is pining away with an unrequited love for a Watson who is incapable of returning his romantic affections?

Not necessarily. As far as I can tell, without the clear implication of Sherlock’s affections one would be on shaky ground arguing that Watson was intended as anything besides a Hetero Bro. However, the clear coding of Holmes as in love with Watson causes one to wonder whether the affection might not be returned, and the results of investigation are inconclusive but intriguing.

Although he doesn’t make an appearance until the second act, Holme is mentioned by Watson in the first scene. Assuring Enid that she can turn to him if she is in any need, he admits that there is little he can do on his own. But he then adds: “I have a singular friend—a man with strange powers and a very masterful personality. We used to live together, and I came to know him well. Holmes is his name—Mr. Sherlock Holmes. It is to him I should turn if things looked black for you. If any man in England could help it is he.”

To be fair, it is not unusual in stories for someone to describe the hero in grandiose terms before he is seen directly by the reader/audience. Still, that’s quite a way to describe one’s friend. I find myself particularly fixating on “strange powers and a very masterful personality.” You do realize that you could have just said he’s smart, right Watson? I mean, maybe things were different back then, but if I described my friend as having a ‘masterful personality’ and then tried to claim they were my platonic bestie, I’m pretty sure I’d get my fair share of dubious glances.

Watson mentions his friend once more when his application of Holmes’s methods to clear up a detail of the investigation prompts an impressed exclamation from the coroner, to which Watson responds: “I have a friend, sir, who trained me in such matters.”

So at the very least, we have a Watson who idolizes, respects, relies on, and emulates his friend—all of which makes the fact that he is no longer living with Holmes something of a puzzle.

You see, the play never gives us a reason for Watson having moved out. The comment to Enid in which he mentions that they “used to live together” occurs two years before Sherlock becomes involved with the case and Watson becomes engaged to Mary, so it clearly has nothing to do with her. Yet not only has he moved out, his involvement in the cases is implied to have dwindled significantly or even stopped altogether—in one of the saddest lines of the play, Holmes comments that of course Watson wouldn’t remember Milverton because: “it was after your time.”

But why these degrees of separation? At no point are there signs of any ill-will between the friends. The danger certainly wasn’t an issue for Watson: when Rylott threatens Holmes Watson literally “jumps” to protect him, and he insists on sharing the danger of the Rylott house. Nor does it seem viable to speculate that Baker Street’s location became inconvenient for Watson—the speed with which Rylott makes his way to Watson’s home and from there to Baker Street demonstrates that they still live quite close. One might more plausibly theorize that Watson was becoming more invested in his medical practice and involvement in Holmes’s work was interfering, but why would ACD make an alteration so irrelevant to the story and then not even explain it? After all, the friends were still living together in the short story from which this is adapted. What could be the point of such a change?

Well, the fact is, while their bond is undeniable and remarkably strong, there are hints of something … off between the friends. Despite claiming to see Watson as his equal partner, Holmes fails to communicate with him about how they will be involved in the Rylott case, telling Watson to come on the 11:15pm train but neglecting to mention that he will be going to the house in disguise some hours earlier. The motive behind this omission is unclear—he previously tried to dissuade Watson from joining the case on account of the danger, so perhaps Holmes intends for Watson to give up and stay away when Holmes does’t appear. (Watson, of course, comes anyhow). Or perhaps Holmes wished to be apart from Watson for a time in the wake of hearing of his engagement (Holmes calling for the cocaine comes unsettlingly to mind here) but knew Watson wouldn’t allow him to go to Rylott’s alone. But whatever Holmes’s motive, Watson knows only that he has been excluded and cut out. Similarly, if in the past he has sensed that Holmes was on some level disguising himself from him would he would not have been likely to imagine a flattering cause. One cannot help but wonder whether it is these exclusions that cause Watson, despite inserting himself determinately when Holmes’s safety is at stake, to feel that he must offer to remove himself from the room when Holmes calls in clients. Certainly Watson has no inkling that Holmes might be in love with him—no kind friend who suspected as much would introduce his engagement by saying: “I came here to tell you what I am sure will please you.”

This then, is what we have: two men who deeply admire each other, long for one another’s company, and would clearly die for one another, and yet one of them is hiding and the other running first from the house and then into marriage. We have good reason to believe the one is hiding because he fears revealing his love; is it unreasonable to suppose the other is running for the same reason? Is it strange to think that Watson, feeling unable to trust to his powers of disguise in the way Holmes can, feeling the continual sting of Holmes hiding from him and cutting him off and unable to interpret those actions as anything besides distrust or indifference, would have sought safety in distance and ultimately comfort in binding himself to another?

A final note: we know nothing about Mary in this play. Despite having come in part to announce his engagement, Watson has no rhapsodies to offer on behalf of his fiancee—he seems far more interested in Holmes’s propensity for love, and, failing that, in Holmes’s work. Although Holmes’s (admittedly not impartial) deductions imply that Watson is genuinely pleased with his engagement, we learn precisely two details about Mary, both from Holmes: first that she has red hair, and second that Watson chose a woman who Holmes “met and admired.” Despite their seemingly limited contact over the past two years, Watson still seems unable to be married without at least some reference to Sherlock Holmes.

c.) Sorry … have some petty ACD as recompense

I feel I owe you an apology. I am aware that if you had the patience to read my ridiculously long ramble and are convinced by my interpretation of the Holmes and Watson’s relationship in the play, your ‘reward’ is having a dark but ultimately triumphant detective story transformed into a fucking tragedy that ends with two broken hearts. All I can offer is the comfort of knowing that for 130 years neither marriage nor death nor the near erasure of Watson from the first forty years of stage and film adaptations have been able to keep these two apart. They will find their way back to one another.

Oh, and you also might enjoy hearing that this play is totally ACD’s revenge on heteronormativity.

Okay, I can’t prove that. But it really looks like it. You may be aware of the 1988 play Sherlock Holmes, written by Doyle and William Gillette. If you’re like me a week ago, you may not know that Doyle wrote the original script himself, and Gillette became involved only when Doyle’s script was rejected and the producer urged him to bring Gillette on to rewrite it. I like to imagine that the rejection letter went something like: “Look, buddy, you can’t have Holmes staring forlornly after Watson while instigating a wistful conversation about love with Billy. You just can’t,” but realistically we don’t know why the first draft was rejected. But we do know that Doyle specifically requested that Gillette not give Holmes a (female) love interest, and that Gillette sent Holmes off into the sunset with a woman anyway (x).

Then, eleven years later with a failing theater on his hands, Doyle locks himself away in a room and says, “Fuck it. Imma write a Holmes play, and when I introduce him the first thing everyone is going to know is that he’ll never marry a woman, and the last thing the introduction will tell them is that he’ll never marry a woman and—you know what, I’ll take that Milverton story where Holmes groans about needing to date a woman and throw that in the middle.” And that’s true of the play even if you don’t buy the queer reading. But also, its super gay.

And frankly I just love that not only did Doyle refuse to give in to society’s attempt to fit his story into their heteronormative mold, it actually worked and Doyle made up all the money he was poised to lose and more by shoving a gay love story into his audience’s face.

Well done, ACD, well done.

Conclusion: Should You Read It?                            

I mean, I think my answer is fairly obvious by now. If you’re interested and have the time, it is 100% worth it. And I hope it doesn’t feel like I’ve spoiled all the good parts. There are reams of gems I didn’t even allude to—and that’s not counting everything I doubtless missed.

I just have one request: if you do read the play and end up posting about it on tumblr, would you tag me in your comments? Hearing someone else’s thoughts on this hidden treasure would be a delight. 

@thespiritualmultinerd @a-candle-for-sherlock @missallainyus @steadymentalityengineer @iant0jones @devoursjohnlock @disregardedletters

[thehelleniclunarwitch]

Oh To Be a Barton (Chapter Six)

Tagged: @justgrits

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“It’s smaller and absolutely transparent.” Emily said.

“Can we try these out?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Emily replied.

Peter took one of the communicators Emily created and passed one to Piper. They both slipped the device into their ears. Peter grinned at the girls and then quickly dashed off to another room. Emily watched as Piper’s lips barely moved. The point of the new communicator was to become less noticeable. The communicators agents were given now were black and people could see their lips moving as they talked. Her new communicators could pick up just the faintest of a whisper. Peter came running back into the lab with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“It was so clear and I barely moved my lips. No one around me had no idea that I was talking about them.” Peter said happily.

“The communicator also has a GPS included so you don’t  have to wear the extra GPS piece.” Emily said.

“You created this on your own?” Piper asked her.

Over the past few weeks, Emily had grown quite close to Peter and Piper. Emily learned quickly how to deal with Piper. The girl wasn’t like their peers. Emily didn’t mind though she still liked Piper and the pair got along quite well. Piper had ended up coming to Emily’s training sessions and sparred with her when Piper didn’t agree with the ways the trainer was working with Emily.

“Doc Pym sent over all of the transparent materials, but I came up with all of the ideas, wiring, and put in all of the work.” Emily answered.

“Have you showed this to Fury yet?” Peter wondered.

“You know Fury and I don’t get along. I was thinking about sending this off to Tony Stark for manufacturing and see if he can help sell them.” Emily told him.

“How do you know Tony Stark?” Peter asked.

“I don’t, but in my research the other night I saw that Fury has a large file on Tony. I figured that I could at least contact him and see what happens.” Emily said.

“You’re still hacking?” Peter asked.  

Piper and Emily both rolled their eyes.

“Fury can try and stop me all he wants, but he won’t be able to.” Emily said slyly.

Peter shook his head.

“Hey Kid!” Clint called out.

The three kids looked up. Emily sighed when Clint signaled for her to join him. She took the communicators back from Peter and Piper then slipped them into her pocket. Glumly, she stalked over to her brother. It had been a few weeks since the siblings joined Shields. The siblings hadn’t really made up from their initiation day. Clint was spending most of his time training with Natasha now that they were partners. Clint had a lot to catch up on before he could go off on a real mission with Natasha. If Emily wasn’t training with Brock or Coulson, Emily was with Peter and Piper hanging out.

“What?’ Emily asked joining her brother.

“We need to talk.” Clint told her.

“This doesn’t sound good.” Emily pointed out.

Clint said nothing. He walked a few feet in front of Emily and led her down to the training center. Natasha and Coulson were there waiting for them. Emily eyed the pair carefully, but she was unable to read their faces. Clint hopped up on the counter next to Natasha and Coulson greeted Emily with a warm smile.

“So what’s up?’ Emily asked crossing her arms over her chest.

“Clint and I have been given our first mission together.” Natasha started.

“Okay, congratulations?” Emily replied.

“There’s a catch about us going though.” Clint added.

“Can we skip story time and just tell me why you pulled me away from my lab work?” Emily asked them.

“Listen, I’m not happy about this.” Clint told her.

“I can’t agree or disagree with you until you tell me what’s going on.” Emily snapped.

Coulson placed a calming hand on her shoulder.

“Fury, wants you to come along as well.” Natasha spoke up.

“Um, why? I haven’t been training to be a spy.” Emily asked.

“You won’t be going as a spy, Emily.” Coulson told her.

“Then why am I going?” Emily asked.

“We’ve all been impressed with what you’ve been doing on the communication ends on things. Shields would like to test you and your devices out in a mission.” Coulson explained.

“So I’m supposed to be Clint and Natasha’s eyes and ears?” Emily said.

“Yes, your new communicators will be used. Natasha and Clint will be taking your new microphone and camera chips to plant as well.” Coulson answered.

“This is just another one of Fury’s tests isn’t it?” Emily growled.

Coulson sighed.

“It’s a way for Shields to see just how amazing you and your devices really are.” Natasha told her.

“So now I’m just a guinea pig experiment?” Emily snapped.

“Come on Em, you had to have known that you’d have to prove yourself worthy of Shields.” Clint said.

Emily straightened her back at his comment.

“I thought I had been making myself worthy by not only redesigning all of their tech equipment, but also hacking systems that their big bad professionals couldn’t do.” Emily bit.

“Emily, Shields would like to put you into more field work with your brother and Natasha if you can handle it.” Coulson said.

“What I was hoping for doesn’t look like it will be happening any time soon. So let’s do this stupid mission so I can go back to my corner in the lab where I belong.” Emily snarled.

Coulson, Natasha, and Clint watched Emily storm out of the training center. Clint swore as he shoved the water bottles off the counter. Natasha patted her partner on the back and Coulson just gave him a knowing look.

“This is just all new to her.” Coulson spoke up.

Clint shook his head. “It’s more than that. I’ve been letting her down. I’m doing exactly what she was afraid of happening.”

“What’s that?” Natasha asked.

“Ignoring her. Letting Shields get to my head. Forgetting all about our promise to always stick together.” Clint said.

“You can’t always be there for her, Clint. You have to live your life too.” Natasha said.

“Nat, you just don’t understand. She already had one brother walk out of her life and now history is repeating itself. I can’t do this to her.” Clint replied.

“So you’re just going to walk away from Shields?” Natasha asked with a look of hurt on her face.

“No, but I do have to convince Emily that all of this isn’t going to change us and that we’re going to be okay.” Clint said sliding off the counter.

“Clint, you won’t be able to change Fury’s mind.” Coulson spoke up.

“I know that, Coulson.” Clint said.

“What are you going to do?” Natasha asked.

“Just talk to her like a big brother would.” Clint said before walking away.

Coulson glanced over to Natasha.

“I don’t understand.” Natasha sighed.

“Not sure if I could explain it to you, Nat, but you have to understand that those two have only ever had each other.” Coulson replied.

Natasha nodded. “You don’t think he’ll leave do you?”

“I can’t make any promises, but if he can get through to her you won’t be losing your partner.” Coulson answered.

“Okay.” Natasha said before disappearing out of the training center.

Coulson sighed. “This is a big mess. Fury just has no idea what kind of monster he’s going to create if he keeps pushing her.”

Clint found his sister back in the lab. Her glasses were pushed up on her nose and she had pulled her brown hair back away from her face. Peter was hunched over next to her going over notes on whatever new creation she was making, and Piper sat on the desk next to them, her legs swinging back and forth as she ate Reese's Cups.

“I’m horrible at math. What am I missing?” Emily asked Peter.

Peter picked up the pencil and erased a few of the numbers. Emily watched intently as Peter entered in a different set of numbers. Emily pulled the keyboard in closer and then entered the new equation. Clint watched on the big screen as Emily’s new creation began to piece itself together. Emily grinned at Peter as he erased another equation before fixing it. Once Emily entered in that equation the creation finished pulling itself together.

“Peter, you’re the best.” Emily grinned.

“What can I say.” Peter smiled.

“Don’t make his head bigger than what it already is.” Piper sighed.

“Sorry, Piper, but he earned that compliment.” Emily replied.

Piper just shoved another piece of candy into her mouth ignoring her friends. Emily stood on her tiptoes to turn the weapon around on the screen. Clint listened as she explained what exactly the weapon would be doing. Peter slid his own glasses on so he could zoom in on the screen to check over the smaller detailed parts of the weapon.

“You’ve got quite the eye. I’m jealous.” Peter sighed.

“Peter, you just need to practice more, that's all.” Emily stated.

“How much longer are you going to stand there and stare?” Piper asked.

Clint tensed. Emily and Peter looked over to the doorway to find Clint standing there. Piper informed her friends that Clint had been standing there for several long minutes. Peter took off his glasses and then pushed Piper off the desk telling her that they had to head on down to dinner and promised Emily that they would save her a spot.

“What do you want from me now?” Emily asked him.

“I just wanted to talk to you.” Clint said.

“Like you wanted to talk to me earlier?” Emily shot back.

“I’m not happy about this either, Emily. Do you think that I want you out there in the field where you can get hurt?” Clint replied.

“Did you tell Fury that?” Emily asked him.

“Of course I did. We got in each other’s faces. Natasha had to separate us.” Clint said.

“How am I supposed to believe you?” Emily asked him.

“Because I’m your brother.” Clint answered.

“You haven’t been very brotherly like ever since we officially became apart of Shields.” Emily pointed out.

Clint sighed. “I know and I wish that I could go back in time to change that, but I can’t. What I can do is fix the present and make the future better.”

Emily slid her glasses off to rub at her eyes.

“I let Barney go, you know? I let him take me away from you, but I couldn’t abandon you. Today, I came very close to walking away from you too. To abandon you like you did to me.’ Emily informed him.

“I never meant to abandon you.” Clint told her.

“Yeah, I know that, but you're my big brother. You’re all I have left, but you didn’t seem to care about that.” Emily replied.

“What do you want me to do?” Clint asked her.

“I don’t know.” Emily whispered.

“Do you want me to walk away from all of this? You and I can leave right now and I won’t even look back. We can go back to living on the streets and just being Clint and Emily.” Clint offered.

“Why so you can resent me? I already have one brother that resents me.” Emily stated.

“So what we stay here so you can resent me in the end?” Clint asked her.

“No. You stay here and I go. It’s obvious that we just need to go our separate ways.” Emily said.

Clint was shocked.

“You would just walk away from me?” Clint asked her.

“Why not? I’m good at walking away from my brothers.” Emily snarled.

“I never asked you to come back for me.” Clint growled.

Emily paled.

“You’re right. You didn’t. Just like I never asked you to force Barney to leave.” Emily tossed at him.

Clint straightened his back and glared at his sister.

“Good luck out on the streets. I hope nobody kidnaps you.” Clint seethed.

“Yeah, well watch your back with your precious Black Widow. She might just end up stabbing you in the back.” Emily hissed.

With that being said the siblings separated. Clint stormed back towards the cafeteria. Emily stormed all of the way back to her shared room with Clint. She grabbed one of the Shield backpacks and started filling it with clothes and other items that Emily deemed fit that she’d need on her adventure. Emily pulled on warmer clothes too. She dressed in a pair of black sweatpants and a purple Shields hoodie.

Slamming her dorm room door shut behind her, Emily stormed all the way back to the lab. She went to her little corner and stuffed all of her plans, creations, and devices into her backpack. She left the lab and headed towards the front part of Shields. Nobody paid her any attention as she made her way to the front door.

Coulson was talking to the head of security when a purple blur caught his attention. He looked away from Stan to see Emily storming towards the front door. She had a backpack clinging to her back and determined look on her face. Coulson groaned, apologized to Stan, and then chased after Emily. He finally reached her when she had just reached the curb.

“Where are you off to?” Coulson asked.

“Bug off, Coulson.” Emily snarled.

Coulson sighed. “I take it your talk with Clint didn’t go well.”

“No it didn’t. So enjoy my selfish brother.” Emily.

“You can’t just leave, Emily.” Coulson told her.

“Watch me.” Emily snapped.

“How about you and I make a deal?” Coulson offered.

“I’m done making deals with Shields. It’s like signing my soul over to the devil.” Emily told him.

Coulson chuckled.

“You’re so dramatic.”

Emily glared up at him.

“Just listen to what I have to offer you.” Coulson said.

Emily groaned. “Fine, let me hear it.”

“Do the mission for me. I’d like to see you blow Fury out of the water. Then I promise to get you transferred out of this department and into the Tech & Weapons department. You can work personally with Doctor Pym and Tony Stark.” Coulson said.

Emily narrowed her eyes at the older man.

“Drop my training with Rumlow and we’ll have a deal.” Emily said.

“Rumlow’s training will do you good.” Coulson replied.

“Rumlow is a dick. Drop the training or I walk.” Emily negotiated.

Coulson held out his hand.

“We have a deal.”

Emily shook his hand.

“I’ll do you one more thing.” Coulson said.

“What?” Emily asked him as she followed him back inside.

“You can even crash in my spare room until we get you transferred out.” Coulson said.

“I have a room.” Emily told him.

“Knowing you you’ll either try and kill your brother in his sleep or sleep outside. I can’t have you doing either of those so you can crash with me.” Coulson explained.

Emily glanced up at the Agent.

“Why are you always so nice to me?” Emily asked.

“I’ve always wanted kids, but with this line of work it just hasn’t happened yet.” Coulson told her.

“Yeah, but you’re not this nice to Peter and Piper or any of the other kids here. So why me?” Emily pushed the topic.

“You just remind me of somebody who I used to look up to a long time ago.” Coulson said.

“How?” Emily asked.

“You stick up for what you believe in. You fight for those who can’t and you have a heart of gold.” Coulson told her.

“You said you used to look up to this person. What happened?” Emily asked as they entered the elevator.

“Well my role model is no longer around.” Coulson said.

“Still not telling me what happened.” Emily pointed out.

Coulson smirked.

“He sacrificed himself a long time ago to save the people he loved so dearly.” Coulson answered her as he stepped off.

Emily stood in the elevator in awe.

“Did you just compare me to the one and only Captain America?” She asked him.

“Oh, are you a fan?” He asked with a grin.

Emily glared at him.

“Am I fan? I know everything about that man.” Emily retorted.

“Oh, but you’re so young. I’m sure I can outwit you on Captain America.” Coulson said.

“Is that a challenge?” Emily asked.

“If that’s the way you’re taking it, then yes.” Coulson said as he opened the door to his suite.

“You’re so in for a rude awakening, grandpa.” Emily hissed, tossing down her backpack.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that.” Coulson smirked.

Emily sat down on the big leather couch. Coulson disappeared in his bedroom to change in his own sweatpants and t-shirt. He joined Emily in his living room and handed her a juice box and he snapped open his water. He sat across from her in his favorite armchair.

“Let’s each ask each other ten questions. Whoever has the most answers right in the end wins.” Coulson suggested.

“What are you anteing up?” Emily asked him.

“My rare Captain America trading cards.” Coulson said.

Emily grinned. “I’ll give you the plans to my communicator.”

“Nice choice.” Coulson said.

“I know you’ve been eyeing that. It’s a big deal isn’t it?” Emily asked.

“Very.” Coulson answered.

“Then do we have a deal?” Emily asked him.

“Deal.” Coulson grinned.

“Eat dust, grandpa.” Emily smirked.

Emily couldn’t wait to wipe the floor with Coulson. He smirked at her as he sat back and took a sip from his water. Emily set down her juice, sat all of the way back against the couch, and then placed her hands in her lap.

“Ready?” Coulson asked.

“Ready.” Emily grinned slyly.

Let the games begin.