#And kms would actually help | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pixies-parasol · 1 year

Text

.

#Idk where this is coming from #But I feel like such a burden #Now I can't stop crying bc everything is too much #Tw #The past few hours I felt like everyone would be better off without me #And kms would actually help #I don't know how to feel bc this came out of nowhere #It probably happens bc I'm tired #But what if people really think that I'm too much and they leave me #And then go on and talk about me #Ahhhh can someone shut my brain off

1 note · View note

purpurussy · 2 months

Text

.

#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

11 notes · View notes

fearandhatred · 8 months

Text

i was not put in this world to do math and coding on GODDDDD WHAT'S GOING ON

#fearandhatred #i did this to myself fr i chose to take this class #and i chose to do data analytics as a minor #my sociology professor said it would be helpful 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i'm gonna kms 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#you know what gonna gaslight myself into thinking i'm a wizard until i can actually do this

20 notes · View notes

tiddiesoutwhenthetisout · 26 days

Text

not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it

#i really said “okay big performance in the city square let's make this work” and i did but absolute fuckery of the manager just made me...#and she also used to complain about being an opening act-- like come on that's a nationally-renowned band and we're not there yet 😭#we used to fight a lot though so ack i really should have taken that as a red flag #but i was 14 and stupid 🤷‍♂️#being solo way better uM i shouldn't say this yet but i got a commission today audhauagah i don't even have a portfolio #fuck guys i'm so so so nervous from big changes in life because uM god i just came from actual hell with various things working to make me #kms #but uH we're uH not too keen on that anymore atm and uH it's probably going to all fuck up after i share that i have good news in life #but yk what #let's keep challenging god #i know he hates me #but we will not be defeated we will strangle him by the tie #AHHHH help me i want to get into music again pls pls pls pls pls #anyway back to my old band manager #she was known for being a shitwad in the scene anyw but i was young and stupid as i sais #and i defended her and rationalized her behavior because “we're friends right”#i'm starting to get why my mom is wary of people i get to know #i'm tbh a fucking idiot i would never admit that elsewhere (nah i do) uM my brain is bouncing off the walls #i took a bargain with 7pm coffee and look where it got me #i was also getting up there in my 5 days of uni absences agsgshags #DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THESE I KINDA HOPE NOW NO ONE DOES #IM KINDA UHHH MY CHILD THERAPIST SAID UNCONVENTIONAL #I THINK SHE MEANT FUCKING CRAZY #sorry #oh yeah i walked tf out the band after that big performance set up just for us because i couldn't keep working with that kind of environment #other bands started flocking to recruit or proxy after i was let go by my famously fucked-up ex-manager LOL #but um i have issues so i'm not among them and i think they get the message tbh #appears and disappears #that is actually my brand

7 notes · View notes

toxifoxx · 2 months

Text

iiiii dont get it bro . i dont get why people are always touting college as being a great place to make friends. maybe if you're an extrovert it is but im introverted and autistic no one is gonna wanna talk to me lmao

#no ones just gonna take pity on me and try to befriend me #theyre adults who have better things to do #im not about to initiate myself because i have debilitating social anxiety and i just dont enjoy talking to people #doesn't help that i look very unapproachable #nothing is going to change. there is a reason i was fully isolated my entire childhood. had at most 1 friend every couple years. bc of pity #like well its whatever. its who i am. but im a little pissed off every time someone suggests i can make friends there #im like actually cursed to be like this dawg. i should just kms #i wish i would have

9 notes · View notes

beautifel · 11 months

Text

seems like my heart does nothing but break lately

#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level #for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her #still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions #Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later #jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this #not fair not fair at all this is evil #and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences #i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it #i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity #is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike #Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even #LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it #what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol #hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather #kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter #how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there #n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng #or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak #n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own #well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her

11 notes · View notes

diaryofapanini · 2 months

Text

#venting

ok so i don't want to die. which is good obviously. it has taken years but being alive is pretty cool.

the problem is that every time a major inconvenience comes up, my brain is like "if you were dead you wouldn't have to deal with this hehe"

and it's like NO. stay AWAY. i DO NOT want to die.

and then multiple major inconveniences overlap and my brain is like "......this would be a great time hehe. you wouldn't have to deal with any of this"

and it's SO FUCKING ANNOYING. like i want to be alive. except theoretically it would be easier being dead but I DON'T WANT TO. I AM HAPPY* RIGHT HERE THANK YOU VERY MUCH

*stressed and anxious and a little bit miserable but also happy.

idk the worst part is that i thought i had gotten over this?? like i just beat up my depression till i didn't think about dying anymore. legitametly i just straight-up manhandled it into stop telling me to kms.

and i know consciously that expecting complete recovery without any sort of therapy or medication or whatever is unreasonable. but it makes me feel bad that i'm thinking these thoughts again :(

#last time i thought my parents knowing + having a therapist would fix me #and this time i actually theoretically have access to that but i'm too scared to reach out for help #(i'm scared of disappointing my therapist loll)#at least this time i won't try to kms so that's good #suicidal ideation #tw suicidal ideation #tw suicide #tw depression

2 notes · View notes

fvckednddistvrbed · 2 months

Text

i ate a lot today, not as much as other days, but still im disappointed with myself and starting to feel sick. why cant i be good at restriction? god this makes me wanna sh so fucking bad