#And she has made it very clear to me that she will help me. That she sees me and supports me and that she will get things off my back.

[cup-o-stars]

Relativity Falls!

Design Concepts (and my unnecessary thoughts):

Excuse the the colors, ig my apps are fighting.

I see Mabel finding success no matter what happens to her, but I really like the thought of her running an insane arts and crafts business in GF. Alternatively, if she fell in the portal, she'd come out acting confident as always, but she probably wouldn't realize how much the constant change and lack of family/stability wore her out until she settled back in. In either case, she's a bit cracked.

Dipper is investigative, but cracks easiest under stress and is not as inherently adventurous as Mabel or Ford- so the portal wouldn't treat him well. If he's not the one in the portal, he'd be into stargazing and real magic to share with people, while also warding tourists away from the dangerous stuff. In general, he'd be an unhappy adult if left to his own devices, lol.

Between Dipper and Mabel, I like Dipper being in the portal more. He's a great protagonist, but as a supporting cast member, he needs to be more insane to match the draw that is 'Mabel taking care of children,' ha. I also love the idea of there being no portal / some other looming threat for these two to struggle with (at least because Hirsche has made it clear that Dipper and Mabel are equally smart, and to me it seems like the portal would reopen way quicker with them), but I didn't plan on posting these and I don't know how my followers feel about me posting lore.

Stanford and Stanley:

Pretty much how they are in canon, but now they're in a setting where they can get over themselves, ha. They aren't quite as mature as Dipper and Mabel were at their age, but after coming to GF, they finally found other people to look out for them. Dipper could be a more emotionally available and level-headed role model (I think having people to take care of is calming for him in turn), and they'd both look up to Mabel as the peak of somebody who knows how to socialize.

Fiddleford:

He's a sweet, southern, farm-raised mechanical engineer just like in canon.

Idk why Fiddleford is in GF (visiting an unnamed grandparent?), but I really like his relationship with Ford in the journal. Following that thought, in this AU, he starts out more of Ford's friend than Stan's, and it's kind of a big deal. Unlike Dipper's arc on learning to be a kid, Stan and Ford clearly struggled a lot with interpersonal relationships / finding security outside of eachother, and that's what I think this AU could be about (it's great they realized they need each other in canon, but the part where they had no one else to turn to is also kinda crazy if you ask me).

Ford gets to meet another smart kid in a weird town, which helps him feel more normal. He has a better idea of what friendship is because of it, but also, since I can't imagine Dipper wanting an apprentice so young/vulnerable/impressionable or Mabel asking only one of the twins to stay- he'd have to come to terms with the fact that he can't live in his dream world forever. (Or maybe the apprenticeship comes from somewhere else, just because the conflict around going back to Glass Shard Beach at all, or sending Stan alone could be pretty good.)

On the flipside, I think Stan's initial jealousy of Ford and Fiddleford's friendship would force him to try finding his own friends / hobbies. I like the idea that he fails at first- and a lot- but Mabel notices his mounting frustration (which he is very keen on hiding), and her consistent and unorthodox support makes him realize he wasn't alone to begin with. He can be more open around her, which makes it easier to open up to others, and then he can make friends without having to pull any tricks. He probably starts with some animals, and then at least gets closer to Fiddleford anyways (I feel like they're both more practical than Ford and value human company more, so they'd bond easier once Stan gets over his personal hurdle).

Anyways- because that was way too much- Mabel's exes are a constant source of antagonists and Dipper is stressed about setting a good example.

(I was more of a Monster Falls fan back in the day, but I can't draw animals, lol)

[seancekitsch]

Can’t Stand Me Now; a modern Aegon x Stark! reader fic

CHAPTER THREE: Gift Horse

series masterlist here

warnings for the series: smut, smoking, drinking, friends to strangers to lovers, angst, fluff, more to come as needed

Barre class is across the city, in Sara’s neighborhood. A large building part of a smaller art university that is made up of mixed use floors. Some are classrooms, a black box theater, workshops, and nestled in at the very top is your barre instructor’s studio. And while it’s rented for her by a mostly online chain company that sells classes, she runs it as if she’s the choreographer for the Winterfell ballet company back home, the most prestigious in all of Westeros. It’s routine that you go there at seven with Sara, then open the shop at noon twice a week. Only Satuday you missed class, and today you’re running late. Sara’s only given you slight hell for ditching her, which is unusual. You love your siblings, you really do, but they both live up to the ‘The North Remembers’ stereotype. Frequently arguing with you and the nanny when you were kids, when Cregan and Sara could never drop anything. So Sara not being too pissed at you skipping barre has you questioning everything.

Your sneakers slap against the pavement as you pick up your pace, ready to catch even more hell about your inability to be prompt to anything besides the store opening. You sigh as your turn the block, the building finally imposing on your view of one of the more tree lined areas of the city.Despite the chill in the air, the trees still have leaves and the sun is bright and warm against your hoodie, oversized and spritzed with your signature perfume Mugler Alien. Your phone buzzes in your pocket and you ignore it, knowing already who it is. 

Aegon has been texting you. Long paragraphs sometimes, barely legible ranting other times. He’s filling you in on his family, his life, been telling you how much he misses his best friend. Tuesday night he drunk dialed you and in no uncertain terms told you how hot you were and exactly how he would fuck you every which way every day of the week. That one was hard, mostly because in moments of weakness, you cannot help but think about it and the way he practically moaned into the phone. More than once you’d pictured yourself underneath him, on top of him, pressed against the cold shower tile, thrown to the floor, even bent over the till at your shop. He’d wormed his way back in, at least mentally. You’d decidedly kept your distance, not entertaining a lot of his messages, not texting him first. You hadn’t seen him since Sunday morning, and you were planning on keeping it that way until he gave you a clear answer to all of your questions. 

That was the most infuriating part. Whenever you actually text him to ask about why he’s back in your life or why he left in the first place, he just tells you it’s better explained in person. You’re not completely sure you want to meet in person again, though. You know yourself well enough to know you’ll probably forgive him again right away, no matter the reason. 

And Old Gods be damned, a lot of his messages are tempting. You want to hang onto every word, respond just as eagerly, purging thoughts into those little blue text bubbles and letting him in. Keeping your phone in your pocket is the best protection for yourself, certain that whatever Aegon Targaryen is up and doing at 6:55 on a Thursday is a diabolical trap to get you to respond and fall back into old habits with him. 

You fling open the door to the building, more or less jogging to the elevator and slamming your knuckle into the button. The elevator here is new, and moves quickly. 

You more or less tumble out of it, already hearing the sarcastic jeering on Sara’s tongue from here. Only, when you enter the studio, that doesn’t happen. She doesn’t call out to you right away, doesn’t stop what she’s doing. 

Sara isn’t alone, though, and the sight has you tripping over your feet. The silver hair is unmistakable, and for a moment your mind drifts back to your unanswered texts, knowing the Targaryen siblings are more or less a unit, and she probably knows about at least a few of the goings on of her brother and you. Helaena is the same age difference to Aegon as you are to Cregan, the only real difference being that her family is only slightly messier than yours. While your family is plagued by maybe more than one affair baby scandal and ski lodge residences, her parents being loyal to one another and having lived all in one house might actually be their plague. 

For a brief second, your blood runs cold knowing that she realistically knows more than you. You’re not the kind of person who’s used to not having the power and information. You’re used to holding all the dirt, the gossip, the emotional ammo so to speak. In college it was a weapon at worst and a tool at best, and now it is a shield. Only today, Helaena holds the shield instead of you. 

Sara leans in close to the Targaryen, whispering and giggling to one another as if they were alone in the world. This must be why Sara was not as mad as she usually is about your skipping this weekend. The two look like they’re in their own little world, a Sara Helaena bubble where everything is so funny and their proximity is their barrier. They look almost entranced, and when Helaena brushes hair off of Sara’s shoulder, your feet find themselves again. 

“What’s up, did you find a new barre partner?” You ask, looking questioningly between your sister and Aegon’s sister. The women look close, as if there was a shared something between them, and for a moment jealousy spikes within you. But then you reign it back in, immediately recognizing the feeling as one thats completely inappropriate. Sara deserves friends, and you should get some more. 

“Hel here had to get out of that stuffy estate, it’s apparently all doom and gloom there,” Sara explains, “she showed up at the class you ditched.”

Her tone is haughty, but you know it’s a joke. She’s been filled in just enough about the situation to only slightly rag on you about the whole thing. Sara doesn’t know about Aegon’s order, doesn’t know about the near constant stream of messages that pour in, doesn’t know about the comfort being wrapped in his cologne spritzed blankets for at least a few hours. 

“Right,” you drawl, rolling your eyes, “Because your dear old sister is so easy to replace.”

“Oh, the more the merrier,” Helaena chimes in happily, pulling her bag over near where you dropped yours. Her bag looks almost identical to yours, but instead of a charcoal and wine color way, it’s sage green and sand. 

“I agree, darling,” you say, pulling off your hoodie to get ready to warm up. 

Conversation flows freely then, shoes and inhibitions kicked to the side. There is a certain comfort to this, a confirmation that the world did not end because for some unknown reason someone in the Targaryen family doesn’t hate you. Granted, you’re at least half sure Aegon doesn’t, and Aemond you’d only seen in passing once in five years. You had been on a date to a brewery when he entered with an older woman, and then your date went to shit. All because you could not get signature silver curls out of your mind.

You lean down to touch your toes, chipped manicure just brushing an even more chipped pedicure. It’s when you rise back up that Helaena tries to get your attention specifically.

“You know I tried to hate you,” Helaena starts as if she had read your mind, her eyes and voice drifting away as she warms up, stretching and bending, “Because Aegon was so upset when you rejected him, but you’ve always been nice to me. I couldn’t find it in me.”

An airy smile graces her face, as if what she said wasn’t just insane for a multitude of reasons. She’s always been, as long as you’ve known her, in her own little world in a sense. Always sweet and kind, but in a space all her own. You remember Aegon’s words when he had brought you to the Targaryen estate for the first time: She is an enduring mystery, but I love her. This is, however, the most clear and direct you’ve ever heard her; and what she had to say enraged you. 

“I rejected him?” 

You cant help the rise in your voice, despite the few heads that turn towards your corner. You scoff. He really had the audacity to ghost not only his closest friendship but clearly the promise of something more, and say you had been the aggrieving party? Helaena doesn’t back down, but also doesn’t cower. For her, this is just a fact and not some life altering revelation. You envy her for that. 

Sara gently adjusts Helaena’s tank top strap for her, a gentle gesture you’ll have to call attention to when you’re more level headed. Helaena cocks her head to the side as she takes in your body language, your anger.

“Is that not what happened?”

“No!” You whisper shout, now trying not to have little gossips listen in. You throw your ankle up onto the barre and stretch your arm out the opposite direction. 

“Oh,” Helaena’s eyes widen as if this is now finally a revelation to her as well, “Thats why your name was a curse.”

What the fuck does that mean? You look at her, and she gazes back at you as if her words should have cleared something to up. Maybe to her, they did. Your eyes then dart to your sister behind her, and your sister’s eyes are wide, her brows furrowed. ‘Aegon?’ she mouths, her lips warping into a grimace. 

Your name as a curse, to whom? Aegon?

…. Larissa?

Your face relaxes, the realization washing over you in waves. You now assume you had been a curse on their entire relationship. The picture of you on his Instagram, was it taunting her? A mean spirited part of you hopes it was, an unjustified possession of Aegon in your mind. 

You pull your foot down, and bend to grab your phone from where you’d tossed it over your bag. 

You pull up Aegon’s instagram, something you’ve been doing at least once a day since Saturday morning. Swiping to his tagged photos, you find what you’re looking for. Hundreds of paparazzi and press photos of Aegon and Larissa, all of her vice grip clutching him, all of him looking like a less than sober flight risk. This paints a different picture than the one you’d been drawing up in your head. You’d known he fucked her in university. You’d known she was one of his regular rotation of girls he’d dabble with at the party house, one of the faces you’d accidentally barge in on in the bathroom fixing her make up after they’d hooked up. None of those girls liked you much because they thought you were competition for Aegon. While you thought that was stupid at the time, they were ultimately right, and you’d only realized when you were in too deep.

Your eyes find one thumbnail for an article saying that the Lannister’s pulled out of a partnership with the Targaryen’s corporate ventures after the split. Another piece to a puzzle that you hadn’t realized you were putting together until now. 

The instructor enters the room just as you open your mouth again, the moment to ask for clarification gone. Helaena offers a faltering smile as she straightens her back, getting herself into position as the instructor raises her arm. She calls you all to attention, more like an actual ballet instructor than for a posh girl barre class. Later, you think, It’ll have to wait until later 

The class goes by without a moments relaxation, going through the motions while internally you freak out about what all the little clues you’ve been given could possibly mean.

“Hey, wait up!” you call, even though the Targaryen woman looks like she’s not in a rush. You yank on your joggers, holding out a hand to tell her to stop. Helaena turns quickly, as if she’s excited to talk to you again. She looks to Sara though, and you don’t miss the way your sister tries to cover her blushing with her dark hair. You’re not letting her get away with that, you decide. 

“Did you want to walk somewhere after this together?” the blonde asks sweetly, and you nod, finishing stuffing all of your belongings into your bag as you shove your feet into your shoes, and link arms with her and Sara to pull them out onto the street as a united front. 

The walk to the juice bar isn’t far, and the trip to your shop from there is even shorter. You pay for the juice, knowing you’re potentially about to interrogate Helaena and cockblock your sister from whatever it is going on with her. The sun beats down on you, despite the chill in the air, casting everything behind you into shadow. 

The shop is bright, a beacon of pattern and color that calls down the street. The fall decor is something you still have to plan with Sara, probably after hours re-dressing the mannequins and making tissue paper leaves the way your mother taught you during an arts and crafts day when you were kids. As the three of you walk, the conversation is meandering, friendly and full of nothing at all. 

It’s not until you lock the door of your shop behind the three of you that you decide to strike. 

“Oh, you own Lone Wolf! I’ve bought from your website-“

“Why am I a curse?”

You and the Targaryen both speak at the same time, a cacophony of sound. Shit. You’ve always had a history of running your mouth, and you know Helaena is soft spoken. As if you have to coax a wild creature, so too do you have to coax Helaena into conversation with you. 

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. Thank you!” you wince as you backtrack, but if she’s offended she doesn’t look it. 

“You’re fine, I promise.”

Helaena looks around the shop, inspecting all the intricacies of your decor choices, the way the colors of your house crest are put into the fine details to honor them, the way that your space is an eclectic blend of you everywhere, if not only the professional friendly version of you. There is a weight that does not seem to press on her as she inspects the details. Last you saw her, she was a very withdrawn girl, practically speaking in riddles unless she was alone with her brothers, and even then she was more a wallflower than an active participant. She’s still quiet and gentle, but finally, Helaena Targaryen has grown into it. 

Fuck, she’s a saint. You nod, and take a sip of your carrot juice.

“He said your name,” she reveals, and you fully turn towards her, pulling up a stool opposite to where she decides to drop herself onto the plush shop couch. 

“When?”

“So at the engagement party two weeks ago,” Helaena begins.

Fuck! This is really really recent. This is an actively open situation. Aegon contacting you was not as random in its timing as you had first assumed. 

“He gave this speech, and it was really not like Aegon. He’d been sober and brooding all day, I’d almost mistook him for Aemond.”

She pauses, as if trying to recall something. The Aegon you know was and is rarely sober. Not always drunk or high, but not what a normal person would consider sober. 

“The speech was weird for him too, it was very thoughtful,” she chuckles to herself, “and then instead of her name he said yours. He was looking down at his champagne the whole time. Everyone was pissed. Grandpa Otto even tried to get Mum to cut him off for that slip up but she stood up for him.” 

But was it a slip up? The timing of all of this, all of the evidence you’ve seen. You now think that despite all of your anger and heartache, maybe you shouldn’t have hung up on Aegon the other morning. Good on Alicent though, you think. Although her methods may sometimes seem insane, you cannot fault someone who had babies when she was a baby herself. Throughout college, she was on a sort of apology tour, trying to fix what her younger self and the people that had influenced her had broken when it came to her children.

Sara bursts into laughter the moment Helaena’s words sink in. 

“Oh I swear by the Old Gods and the New, that’s like something out of a movie. Really?” Sara’s laughter rings like a bell again as she plops herself down on the couch next to the blonde. If you didn’t know better, you’re already planning their wedding in your head. Helaena nods, joining in with Sara, and you find yourself laughing too. 

You smirk over the rim of your cup, and swipe up on the latest string of Aegon’s desperate texts that you haven’t replied to. 

Just how much of a curse are you? Is it like Heathcliff and his Cathy? A selfish part of you hopes that it’s been gnawing at him, hopes it’s eaten away at him and Larissa this whole time. A jealous part of you thinks it should have been you the whole time, thinks your life has been stolen from you despite all of the good things and successes you have. The part of you that you are trying to ignore hopes that despite everything he’s been well, and that maybe someone’s been looking out for him after he stopped letting you do the honors. 

Your Number: awright aeg. ill bite xx

[mayasaurusss]

hello! could you write some headcanons or a one shot about dating lottie in the wilderness??

For sure sweetie. Here you go, enjoy!

I had like six more pharagraps but Tumblr is a coward and didn't let me save them :'(.

Contains: description of wounds, lots and lots of crying, (not my happiest work).

It was at Randy's party that you and Lottie first shared a kiss. With the taste of beer on her tongue, she approached you, intent on finally telling you how she felt. She found you alone, drinking the remaining alcohol from your cup. It was incredibly hard for her to connect her words, which came out more as a string of closely related words than an actual phrase.

You understood what she meant -sort of- and were the first one to ask her about how she felt. For Lottie kissing you was a delight.

But after the party, neither of you made the effort to sit next to each other on the plane. You needed to win nationals, there was no time for unnecessaries feelings.

You were surprised when instead of being greeted with Seattle's skyline, you felt dirt and sand on your skin and a horrible throbbing pain on your side.

Lottie was the first to greet you when you woke up. "The plane has crashed" she says, and she doesn't even try to sugarcoat it. It's the very first thing you hear waking up in your new life.

Her eyes are distant, fear and horror having left behind numbness. It's like she's not even here.

She will stay at your side all day long, tending at your wound periodically until Misty comes.

When night falls she sleeps soundly near you, cradling your weak body in hers.

Hours later, when Taissa discovers a lake, Lottie is the one to help you move. You are leaning on her and she's so careful to move you as best as she can. She's careful, slow and when no one is near, whispers sweet reassurances to you.

The days pass. Everyone tries their best to survive. You can't do anything besides sitting around and checking on your wound, getting redder and redder until a crust forms on it. Then, with a little patience, you can finally help. Both you and Lottie work on the same stuff. If you're gathering herbs, she is too; if you are taking the place of Mari as a cook, she's the one to hand you ingredients.

As time goes on, you can feel something shifting in Lottie's demeanor. She's numb, silent and spends an awful lot of time with Laura Lee.

Your jealousy takes the better of you, and for a while, you don't talk to Lottie. And she doesn't talk to you either. You're left alone with the presence of the trees on your head, until she is the first one to make a move.

She sits next to you, silent. You can feel something in her changing, killing the sweet Lottie you knew. It's then that she tells you about what's bothering her. She sees things.

Your sweet Lottie sees things. Shadows moving in the dark corners of the room, in the darkness that seeps out of the trees, whispers and voices telling her what to do, how to act. She has visions: of death, of fire and frost, of hunger.

For a while you are terrified of Lottie. You don't mean to, really, but what she said to you that afternoon made you wary of her. Who knows what she could do to appease her voices.

So you drift further apart, further and further until autumn comes. It's clear to all of you that death is close. There's no food and the days are cold. So, in the last attempts to make your life worthy, you threw a party. One of those that you went to before the crash, only with no music and homemade alcohol.

At homecoming, you finally try to open your heart to Lottie once more. It's scary, it's sad, but she allows you into her own. The rest of the night is spent laughing, holding her close to you and waiting for death to come. But it doesn't. You wake up hours later, the dust of the earth in your eyes and the sparks of the fire dying next to you.

You had slept for the entirety of the night, oblivious of what happened. No one is interested enough to tell you, and you will come to know it the day after, when Jackie and Shauna fight. Thinking that they had let their hunger run rampant enough to threaten the lives of their friends scares you, but not as much as you thought. Maybe you wished Travis died. Maybe you could finally satiate your hunger.

After Jackie's death, Lottie grows more deranged. You know that she means no harm, but through her delusions, she managed to hold a tool on the entirety of the group. You attend her prayers in the morning, more to fill that hole in her chest than helping yourself. Or maybe, you too need just a little bit of faith.

There is not one day where Lottie isn't near you. She follows you like her shadows follow her, her eyes always on you. It creeps you out sometimes, but you let her. She will randomly go out in the wilderness and come back with herbs and plants she will boil to make you a cup of tea. It's a small gesture, one that you grow to hold dear.

In return, you bring her all the trinkets you find while helping Natalie and Travis hunt. The girl has grown wary of you, annoyed at how you always have to stop to collect some strange sticks, rocks, shells and remains of animals. She had even begun to scream at you once, but you had to endure and bite your tongue.

She will always wait for you with one of her many beverages. Lottie will never tell you that the reason they are uncharacteristically dark is because she let a few drops of her blood in, in an attempt to shield you from whatever the wilderness had in store for you. Maybe it's an attempt on her part to bring herself with you, to make you feel less lonely in that cold hell.

When you eat Jackie, you find Lottie outside in the snow, clinging to where her heart is. She would want nothing more than to wail right now. Her stomach is filled, and she so wished it wasn't.

You take her and kiss her tears away, but nothing will erase her guilt. Both of you cry, hugging each other while snow falls.

Lottie never does anything out of pure malice. Every little thing she does is for the better good, but she knows she's flawed. Somehow, it seems like everything she does is a burden, making people turn against her.

There are moments of happiness even in the most difficult of situations. Sometimes you will walk in the wilderness, letting the snow cling to your boots and cold air fill your lungs. The forest is silent, but you're okay with that. There isn't any need to talk. There's just you and her, embracing each other's company.

You will never forgive yourself for not intervening when Shauna attacks Lottie. You're just too out of it. All you can see is a blur of figures moving, red spilling from them. When you understand that it's Lottie's blood, finally you understand what is happening.

Worry and horror fills you as you fall to the floor, checking Lottie.

Her flesh is red and puffy, blood seeps from cuts near her eyes and brows, flows down her nose and stains her clothes. She doesn't respond to your cries.

You nurse her back to health, regularly checking on her with Misty. Cleaning her wounds, helping her bathe and clothe her as best as you can. Sometimes she'll mumble through her fever, words coming out jagged. She asks you to not let her body go to waste, to eat her if she dies. The mere thought of that makes your skin crawl. You try to reason with her but it's no use, she needs to hear it. So you accept.

The first thing Lottie does when seeing you after waking up is cry. She's not happy to be alive. Maybe she wished for you to consume her so she could finally be at peace, away from this place. But that does not happen. That night, you don't let her go back. As much as she could protest, you don't want to share her to the others yet.

"I am sorry". She doesn't tell you why, but deep down you know the reason. You hug her close, hiding your face onto her neck, "Please...never say anything like that ever again". She falls silent. It takes a moment for her to actually feel the desperation and sadness grow in her heart, but when it does, it breaks her. She almost falls in your arms, hands shaking and tears stinging at her flesh. She wails, like a hurt animal. You embrace her and cry, mourn with her. Words don't come easy, but as you spell them, a small hope flickers in your chest.

"I promise to you, everything will be okay"

[marshmallowprotection]

Have you ever done a post talking about how Ray stopped obsessing about MC on his own route?

I don't believe I've ever done one in depth before but I would LOVE to talk about that to clear up misconceptions. So, we're all well-aware of the fact Ray is completely in love with the idea of you. To talk about it in depth, we need to start at the beginning of Ray's awakening. While talking about his infatuation, it's important to understand the reason why he became so captivated with you in the first place, so that you'll be able to see how his love changes from mere infatuation with some idea to the conceptualizing of true love.

I'll start at the very beginning of Ray's identity in Mint Eye. When he realized who he was and what he had to do for the Savior, this person who has forced him to undergo torture the likes of which we only see brief spurts of and cannot even conceptualize just how horrible it was for him to experience, he understood the rules. He had to obey every order to survive, even if it made him feel sick to his stomach.

Any sort of deviation from the Savior's expectation would have him back into a basement that held nothing but nightmares.

"I have no one left for me. I have been abandoned by everyone but the Savior. I should be grateful that she hasn't given up on me like everybody I've ever known. I should devote my life to hers because that's all I'm good for. If I was good for anything, V and Saeyoung... wouldn't have left me behind. I see nothing but torment in my life, but that's all I've ever known and that's all I will ever know. I need to be grateful that the Savior saved me, because her torment is what can save me... if I can be good enough for her... maybe I'll be good enough to exist."

You have to understand that this is Ray's core foundation. He has been pressured to believe something that goes against who he is. Ray is described best as someone who cannot stop dreaming, and Suit Saeran said it the best, "Ray won't stop dreaming of a day that might bring V and Saeyoung back to his side, even if Rika's forced us to believe they'll hurt us. Unlike Ray, I know we can't go back to what we had, but he won't stop dreaming. If he stops dreaming, we won't have any hope. To dream is to have hope, and Ray is my hope. That's why I want to help him and you escape this place. So, our hope can... survive."

Ray's very existence is defined by his value to Rika. That's what he's been forced to believe and trust me when I say this, Ray doesn't want that. He doesn't want to be defined by what he can do for Rika to give her proof that he shouldn't be tortured anymore. He wants to be able to exist without the fear of a hammer swinging over his head, but he isn't allowed to have that. Rika's controlling him through fear, through the idea that he has to show her he has value so she won't throw him away like "V and Saeyoung threw him away".

She abuses Ray with a blend of verbal abuse and love-bombing on the regular and this back and forth of "you're an airhead and maybe Ray shouldn't exist in the first place because he keeps failing every task I give him," vs "Oh, Ray, no one in this world will care for you the way you need except for me... I didn't abandon you, so you can truly believe me above everyone else."

How would you feel if the only way you could evade being drugged in Mint Eye's basement would be to work your fingers to the bone?

Would you fight the Savior? Would you try to reason with her even though it is futile to argue with someone who refuses to listen to you? Would it take long for you to realize that the only means to your survival will be to obey? What if you fought her and she cast you aside, sending you to fight for yourself on the streets of Seoul? The very streets where one wrong move could have Saejoong Choi kill you?

What's worse, to be tormented in a basement with drugs until you learn your "lesson", or to be killed the minute you step foot into the outside world your Mother always told you would kill you when you did? You don't want to die. You don't want to die, do you? How long will it take before you accept this awful reality... because you don't have another choice? It didn't take Ray very long to accept that he had no other choice. It was Rika's torment and "salvation" or death.

He understands that he'll probably die in Mint Eye, but at least... in Mint Eye, he can tell himself that Rika didn't abandon him. At least, he would die knowing one person didn't "give up" on him. He settles, because what else can he do but settle? This is the greatest good he may ever get. Is it any wonder why he wants to make the "best" of the nightmare he's living in? No, it's really not.

It's not okay, though. He shouldn't have to make the "best" of what he's given because he doesn't deserve any of the suffering he's been forced to experience at the hand of Rika. None of the believers who found themselves trapped in that place deserved what happened to them. What Ray suffered doesn't justify his decision making, though. His suffering doesn't make what he does with the player before he's able to realize the error of his ways right.

Mind you, as I'm writing this post and explaining Ray's perspective, I don't want any of you to get this twisted. Ray's actions aren't justified in any way. He shouldn't have lied to the player, he shouldn't have told you the RFA were characters in a game, he shouldn't have risked your life and safety for his obsession with the idea of you, etc, etc. I know a lot of people are more understanding of Ray and Saeran than they are of other characters in this game, but I'm still going to say this since it has to be said so often.

Understanding a character, enjoying a character, and knowing the rhyme or reason why they do something doesn't mean you justify their actions. It just means you like that character and tried to get more information to understand why they did what they did and it's okay to morally dubious characters. Let's break down our important critical thinking skills and remember that.

Anyway.

Those images I stitched above are from his diary and show you a tiny glimpse into his formula for bringing someone to Mint Eye.

Ray starts out as the head of security for Mint Eye and he has to work his way up to the creation process that brings us to the RFA "game" he sells the player. He spends the first few months stalking the RFA as best he can to learn more about their habits and how to either eliminate them or bring them to Mint Eye for the Savior, it's only after he has proven himself worthy of gathering information that Rika tells him that he will be allowed to choose whoever he wants to help him take down the RFA.

This is a "reward" he's given for good behavior, as in, doing his job until his fingers bleed and he has to wear gloves to stop himself from dislocating the joints, chugging caffeine pills and his elixir like a "good boy", and keeping his mouth shut about anything but breathing and Paradise. He gets the "honor" of finding someone to help him do his job, and during the process of hunting down that person to help his mission, he finds... you.

I don't think he set out to find someone who could like him. I think he originally sought out someone who could listen to him and believe his lies about the RFA. He wanted someone who wouldn't question him... after all, how can you get someone to be your eyes and ears when all you hear is: "Why is this so life-like? Why do these characters feel so real? I'm starting to believe what they're telling me and I'm having so much doubt what you've been selling me, Ray."

He was looking for a person who would be incredibly naive, but kind-hearted. It's just that in the process of trying to find someone to fit that bill, he discovered you. It's not entirely clear how he found you or what made him like you, that's always left open to the player so they can decide what he liked about them. All we know is that he watched you visit your favorite cafe now and again. Everything else is really up to the player to decide... meaning however dark or light you want that imagery is up to you.

Regardless, he discovered you, and something about you captivated him so much that he told himself there could be no other person to test his game. It would have to be you. There was something about you that made him feel warm and fuzzy inside... it made him feel so good. Here's the thing about his feelings for you in the beginning. He could learn as much as he wanted by scouring information about you online, but that would never be the same as actually getting to know you.

So, from the get-go, Ray's foundation of who you are is based on what he can find.

Everything he can't find is built on what he creates in his head.

This is why he becomes obsessed with the idea of you, and it's so easy for him to slip into this fantasy. The idea of someone can be better than who they really are sometimes, because a concept can't disappoint you or break your heart. Ray spends most of his time fantasizing about what it would be like to be close to you, what it would be like to get to know you, and as he continues to fill in the pieces with his fantasized version of you, the line between reality and fiction becomes blurred. 

You become the only constant in his life that has a driving force for good, frankly. Whenever he is being tortured for a mistake he made or criticized for not being good enough, he slips into his head to just fantasize about what it would be like to be treated with respect by the object of his obsession. The concept of you, it comforts him, it brings him peace, it brings him joy, and it keeps him ALIVE. If not for those months he spent dreaming of you, he might not have survived as long as he did.

Ray, at his core, needs a reason to have hope.

If you strip away all of his hopes and dreams, there is nothing left but a shell. There is nothing left but a husk... and is it really any wonder in this world why Suit Saeran was angry when he woke up and saw his Ray was tortured for daring to dream the impossible?

When that was all Ray ever wanted? To dream? He wouldn't even allow himself a chance to ask for what he wanted, he would beat it out himself to let the Savior know he wouldn't try to fight her for ANYTHING.

Ray was trained to destroy himself from the inside out because Rika intended for him to disappear someday. For Saeran to "take over and prove that strength is only born from survival of the fittest."

The fantasy of you wasn't the real you by any means but Ray could settle for a fantasy if he couldn't taste reality.

The idea of you gave him strength to survive until tomorrow, and that's important to understand. Why else would Ray consistently say, "I will settle for whatever you give me. I don't deserve anything. Use me as you please, even if it hurts me, because I just want you to be happy."? Ray has to settle for less all the time. He is so desperate to be liked, to never be abandoned again, that he's okay with you doing anything to him as long as he can stay with you.

That's what Bad Ending 1 is all about—if you decide to take his offer to hurt him for your amusement.

When all he can dream of is his fantasy and what he settled for, it should become abundantly clear to players why he is so dead set on wanting you to stay with him. His desperation for you to stay with him stems from the fact that he doesn't want to be abandoned. Ray believes he was left behind by everyone who loved him except for his Savior, so when he begs and pleads for you to stay later on, it's 100% because of this fear.

Is it wrong for him to beg and plead to make you stay with him? YES! It's not okay! But, it's easy to understand WHY he's begging so hard in the first place. Ray wants so badly for his fantasy of you to be real. To be liked by you, not even loved, is all he wants because you have become the only thing that makes a smile stay on his face in this den of torment.

Do you know what you do as the player during Ray Route? During your time with Ray, you are constantly and consistently telling him that he should value himself, that he shouldn't beat himself down, that he shouldn't take Rika's torment and believe the horrible things she tells him, and that he should think for himself instead of what he thinks Rika wants him to think. You are actively working to help Ray understand his value as a person, nudging him to decide for himself what he wants.

Do you owe him that kindness? No, no you don't. You don't owe him this, nobody does, but if you decide to love him and give him the time to grow from his mistakes, this is where Ray Route takes you. Tumblr won't let me post more than 30 images, so I will point you to read just a couple of specific chatrooms I can't post snippets of.

Day 5, 19:23, "Small Coincidence" & Day 6, 03:17, "If I was stronger" & Day 6, 20:49, "Suddenly Afraid". Those chatrooms specifically give a player the option to reassure Ray at every turn, to tell him that he is a person who matters to you, and that he needs to trust your words as you say them, and not assume they come with a stipulation like every word out of Rika's mouth.

You're not telling Ray that you want to stay in Mint Eye with these choices.

You're telling him that you want to stay with him.

MC is actively making the decision once they realize the truth to see what they can do to get Ray out of Mint Eye. You may not trust V at first, you may not even believe him, but you have seen Ray suffer at Rika's hand and you know he doesn't deserve that. You want to get him away from this place, far, far away... and the closer you get to the kiss visual novel, the closer you get to helping Ray overcome what was done to him.

I understand it can be difficult to grasp what's happening during the first two days of the route because realistically this would be playing out throughout a couple of months. But, what you're doing is helping Ray undo the brainwashing. You are working to deprogram the cult manipulation, and I don't know if any of you know how hard it is for someone to do that in real life, but it's not easy.

There is a reason why it is so difficult to remove someone from a cult once they are knee-deep in the trenches. You can't just tell someone to leave, even if it's detrimental to their health and safety because they won't leave the cult. Cults are designed to keep people inside. Even if you present someone with logic and reason, they have been taught not to listen to anyone who tries to tell them anything that goes against the doctrine they have been forced to believe. 

You are more likely to lose a person if you try to force them out of a cult than you are to save them. Obviously, every situation is different and you need to approach this with care if you encounter something like this in real life, but I would pray nobody would have to learn about this information or how to use it.

I don't want anyone to be trapped in a cult. But, hey, look into how folks do help remove people from cults with SAFETY in mind. It's interesting, if a bit dark because there's right and wrong ways to help people.

That's why I advise you to look in those chat rooms if you want more contextual evidence to understand what's happening here since my images are limited and I had to chop this down to what I knew would be most helpful to someone's understanding of the situation. So, I've got two phone calls below that point out what I'm talking about and show what the MC is doing.

Reassuring Ray of his desires by telling him he's allowed to think for himself, and then down below, you're working to tell Ray that he can trust other people, not just the Savior. It is the little things like these choices that build up to what happens when you kiss him and it just about clicks for him that this place isn't sustainable.

This language the player uses is important in those chatrooms and during every phone call where this conversation topic comes up. He needs to hear it. He needs to know that his life is bound by what he can do for Rika. He can have more what he's been given, he doesn't have to settle for torment and torture. He can have whatever he truly desires as long as he's willing to face the facts. Ray's just... so afraid of what will happen when he stands up that it takes a long time to get him to that point.

Case in point, the fake elixir. He became so incredibly paranoid about his decision to have you forgo the elixir that he decided to cultivate a fake bottle that nobody could distinguish from the real thing just to protect you. He lied about you taking the elixir in the first place and that was dangerous in itself, but it was a decision he made that truly began to send him down a path that would lead him to run away from settling for the hell Rika gave him. 

This lie Ray made was huge, and I don't see a lot of people point that out.

He tells you multiple times that he's afraid of what might happen to you if they find out he lied about your initiation ceremony. He knows what's going to happen to you, and he knows what will happen to him because he lied about it. He might never be able to see you again, and he might never exist again after they're through with him, but he still decided to lie about it because he couldn't stand the thought of seeing you in pain.

Decisions like that are ones that help you understand the "generous" organization you're in isn't trying to help you, it's trying to kill you at every corner. Ray’s devotion is based on fear and fear alone. He truly doesn't believe what he's been sold, the only reason why he fights so hard for this paradise is because he believes that he doesn't have any other choice.

Why do you think he wants Paradise to be as good as he can make it? 

When you try to tell him you want to leave, he tells you that he could never survive in the outside world. It has been beaten into him over and over again. He won't be able to survive out there without the help of the savior. He won't be able to survive anywhere without her help.

That's why he tries to fight so hard to survive, to make the best of this nightmare, because one day he'll be able to catch the carrot on the string. Even if he knows that's never going to happen, he doesn't believe there's any other way for him to exist, and if he's going to be happy with you, the only place he can have it is here. Even when you make him want to believe in the impossible dream, it still feels very impossible.

That's by design, Rika's design.

So, when he actively starts to make hard decisions that go against everything she's tried to beat into him, that shows him breaking away from Mint Eye. That is the first step in the process of getting him out of there. It is not easy by any means, but by God were you so close to getting him out of there. Lying to Rika? Huge. Making a fake elixir to protect you? Huge. Owning up to the fact that he's terrified for what he's done by bringing you here? Huge. A process of accountability on his part and the beginning of Ray's journey to do the right thing.

Every conversation you had with Ray up until this point has helped him little by little realize you care about him and it's not something you're going to throw away. Your affection for him isn't something that's going to be yanked away like a carrot on a string, you intend to give him kindness because you believe he deserves it very inherently, meaning that he doesn't have to prove himself to receive it. He is all deserving of love, just as anyone else is, and you want him to know that because seeing him destroy himself is painful.

Even at the moment when you hold him close to your heart and there seems to be nothing in the world that could tell him you didn’t mean what you told him, there’s still some unease in his chest. You can't help somebody overcome years of insecurity and months of torture with a single kiss. But, it's a start, and the decision to start a journey towards self-reflection is what’s hopeful. 

There's still a hint of what he thought was love when you kiss him. It's not hard to miss. But, if you've been paying attention to the way he's been talking, you'll have noticed that the pressure he laid down to stay with him near the beginning of your journey has decreased by a significant margin. He is no longer trying to find ways to manipulate you into staying with him. 

He's trying to find ways to understand your heart and what it means to be close to the real you.

He's less focused on trying to convince you that this place is great, and he starts to reveal what's going on inside his head. He tells you why he’s lost and afraid, he tells you what keeps him awake at night, and he tells you how he’s come to believe this is truly the only place for him to exist.

His desperation is what asks you to stay with him because he wants to be with you if you’ll have him, but he can’t understand why you don’t want to stay in Mint Eye when he's been coerced to believe this is the only place he can exist. It's important to understand the huge difference in language.

But, now as you hold him close to your heart, his fantasy is starting to fade away by the minute. He's less focused on trying to make sense of his dreams and more focused on trying to understand the reality of what you're living in. You know, "If there really is a paradise, I wish you would be there with me." He's not calling Mint Eye a paradise, he said he would want to be in a "paradise" with you.

Little adjustments to his manner of speech stand out. Read between the lines and compare and contrast the way that Ray talks to you at the beginning and more so as you get closer to him. All that work you laid down as you got closer to him mattered so damn much that I can not even begin to explain it in a single sentence. Do you know why it matters so much?

Rika had eyes and ears on Ray. She knew what you were doing, she knew what you were telling Ray, and she knew Ray was on the cusp of leaving her behind. So, what did Rika do when someone told her Ray kissed the Special Missionary? She got rid of him, or she tried to get rid, at least.

She is using him for everything she can get out of him. She intends to use him until he is no longer useful, and your trying to convince him that he has value goes against everything she's been fighting to make him believe. The minute you help him realize that he has more worth than what she's given to him is the minute he decides to leave. Rika can't have him abandon her, she's the only person who can abandon someone, she says. I'm the only one who gets to decide who suffers after V tried to decide everything for me.

The only reason why he is punished is because you were only an inch away from helping him escape Mint Eye. 

You were THAT close.

He manages to call you somewhere amidst the torture because he finds the courage to tell you the truth. He wants to be with you more than anything in the world because he finally realized being with you made him feel like he was worth something, but he isn't allowed to exist in paradise. He was never meant to know what this felt like this, what it felt like to be loved by someone as kind as you to him, and if he doesn't take this torture, you will know this torture. 

"I must be gone for our salvation. I need to be gone for you to stay in paradise."

vs

"No, no! I want to stay! I want to see you so much! Please, I don't want to disappear! I miss you, please... please! Abandon me, save yourself!"

This is Ray trying to fight the programming that was beaten into him, but he ultimately lost his battle in the basement. He was so close to getting out of Mint Eye but Rika knew better than to turn her back on him. She knew she had to snuff out his light if she wanted to use him for what he was worth.

I do not doubt in my heart that he fought as much as he could to survive those hours of suffering and torment, but he was fighting Rika and God knows how many guards as they shoved elixir down his throat and told him he was a failure. I can't blame him for not being able to believe in his dreams when they held a bottle of poison to his throat and told him he needed to obey or you would suffer. 

Your last interaction with Ray as himself is when Saeran shuts down. When you tell Saeran that you won't treat him like Ray to give him the love he deserves, because you know treating Saeran like Ray won't be good or healthy for him. You want to love him as Saeran, not as Ray... and the idea of being loved as himself is torture. He'll die if the Savior finds out you love him (and he, you, in return) because that's literally what happened to Ray.

Pretending to be Ray was his only hope of tasting that adoration for even a moment. Because he understood inherently that love and kindness would always be a weakness in Mint Eye. Showing even a small amount of that weakness would’ve had him destroyed, and if they destroyed him, there would be nothing to protect whatever remained of Ray, and you. If he's gone and incapable of being the sword and shield of "strength", there will be no hope for all three of you.

I digress, I've talked about Suit Saeran’s desire to be loved before, so I don’t think I need to go too depth about that right here. Just know he craves love too, but he won't let himself have it because he's afraid of being tortured like Ray was for unleashing his desires. He wants to be the strongest so nobody tries to torture him ever again, even when it could cost him a chance at happiness.

I.E. Bad Ending 2, where Suit Saeran goes too far and he breaks the player completely beyond repair and he can't put you back together again even though he realizes he shouldn't have done what he did in the first place.

This moment is the one where everything finally comes to a head and Ray looks you in the eyes and confesses the truth. He apologizes to you for everything he's done, for tricking you, for deceiving you, for putting you in this predicament in the first place all because he was so obsessed with the idea of you.

Even if you decided to give him a chance, even if you decided he was worth fighting for, and even if you decided you wanted to be with him despite everything—Ray understood in that moment you deserved an apology because he shouldn't have deceived you in the first place. He acknowledges that he is guilty, not just Saeran.

They both hurt you and there is no excuse for their actions. Ray is able to conceptualize this need to apologize first, and his ability to own up to everything that's happened so far is what opens the door for Saeran to do the same.  

He tells you that you need to put yourself first, that you need to protect yourself and if it comes down to it, if you need to choose between him or yourself, he would want you to choose yourself. After all this time he spent trying to convince you to abandon everything and stay with him in this false paradise, he realizes that you deserve to decide for yourself what it is you want and after everything that's happened, it's your choice and he can't blame you for whatever you choose. 

He can't force you to stay with him. He can't manipulate you to stay with him. He can't get on his hands and knees and tell you not to abandon him just because he's afraid.

If you want to stay with him, it should be because that's something you want, not because it's something he's tried to make you do for him.

He understands that now, and he began to understand that before, it was hard to see it under all the torture and pain he was experiencing before, unfortunately.

You helped him realize that he's always been a person deserving of love and affection, and if it wasn't for this dire situation, if it wasn't for the fact that he knows if he's not careful you'll be tortured within an inch of your life, his words in this moment would be filled with more gratitude at having the chance to have known you. He's unfortunately still beating himself down because he's not sure if there will ever be a way for him to exist in a world that won't try to destroy him. 

But, he wanted you to know, no matter what, you helped him realize he was worth more than what he thought he was. You made him see meaning in what he imagined was NOTHING. Rika never for Ray to be anything but a tool, and you showed him that Ray mattered.

His existence mattered.

It meant something.

He meant something.

Ray: “Ever since I met you, I thought that I might be able to stay in this world. You made my name mean something when it was never meant to mean anything. You're kind, one of the kindest people I've ever met, and I wish... I wish I could stay with you... but I've hurt you so much.”

Suit Saeran, hours later: "You know, the name Ray wasn't supposed to mean something... but you look a little sad every time I say it. I'm certain that's because you made him feel real... made him feel like he was allowed to be something, more than just an airhead who did all the work they forced down his throat."

Ray realizing that true love sometimes means being willing to let someone go because the environment around the two of you is only going to destroy you in the end is huge for someone who thought his love could only be founded in fantasy. A boy who was ready to cling desperately to you and do anything he could to make you stayed by his side willfully choosing to let you go because he never should have tried to cage you in the first place? 

Character growth!

This here is the pivotal moment when you should understand his love for you has become real, and it is not founded in the obsession it was at the get go. I don't know how else to spell this out any clearer for people to understand, but if I missed anything and you're not sure about something you've come across in the game, please point it out because I would love to talk about it. 

I know that this game is not perfect by any means when it comes to showing his character progression, but the concept is there, and as long as you're looking like you will find it readily. 

[throwawayasoiafaccount]

god tywin lannister deserved worse

just remembering elias death and i wanna puke and the way tywin talks about elia and what happened is so damn gross

but rip tommen and myrcella we all know what’s about to happen in the next book :/

the cycle of violence just keeps spinning and damn you tywin for beginning it

(i got a bit crazy in the tags 💀)

[moeblob]

Karen: LMAO every guy I meet reminds me of my big brothers that's so funny except if Paul is already my brother and you're also a brother that's a bit awkward, huh Hot bartender: THATS MOVING REALLY FAST AND I LIKE YOU AS A PERSON BUT - Karen: having my brothers date would be SO WEIRD Hot bartender: Well on the bright side I literally cannot speak more than five words to him so we aren't dating because he's so cute

(Everyone else: that is somehow the most depressing bright side we never want to hear)

[sadhorsegirl]

fuck it posting moiraine playlist on main

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Yesterday I got the chance to go on the zip line, and I'm desperately afraid of heights but I still want to do things at heights, like the climbing wall or a high ropes course. And I've tried both of those things but quit very soon or before even starting, because I can't fucking do heights. But last night I got the chance to do zip line and I really wanted to, but was incredibly terrified.

So one of my dearest friends, a woman I deeply like and love, first reassured me (I was afraid I was too heavy for the zip line) and then said "Would it help if I went with you?" And yeah, she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met and she's an incredibly comforting presence, of course I said yes.

So we walked up to the zip line platform, and this is her job so she's very good at reassuring people (usually little children, but it worked for me too) who are scared to go on the climbing wall or zip line. So as I was trying to comfort myself, she told me how it would work, and that I could just sit and the harness would hold me, so I tried that and it helped, and she told me I could just lift my legs and I'd go. So I did, and she went at the same time as me, and

My god, the anxiety and the thrill, flying through the air with her next to me, seeing her wave at me as we went, getting off at the end and her asking, "So do you want to do it again?" And wanting to do it again with her, it was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. I truly felt like I could've done anything I wanted with her by my side.

[juniestar]

Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

[floralcrematorium]

Natalya Arlovskaya || HWS Belarus

Character Playlist | 21 songs | 1hr, 22 min

• Girl With One Eye - Florence + The Machine • Mx. Sinister - I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME • Ex Lover's Lover (Cave Canem Demo) - Aurelio Voltaire • I Want To Be With You - chloe moriondo • I Disagree - Poppy • Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless • Tears Don't Fall - Bullet For My Valentine • Comatose - Skillet • Don't You Tell ME - BAND-MAID • Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance • Demolition Lovers - My Chemical Romance • Cosmic Love - Florence + The Machine • Breaking & Entering - Tonight Alive • Love Me Forever - Pinkshift • BEDTIME STORIES - Mothica • Kill Bill - SZA • Season of the Witch - Donovan • You're So Creepy - Ghost Town • Nearly Witches (Ever Since We Met) - Panic! At The Disco • EAT ME - Demi Lovato, Royal & The Serphent • I Never Told You What I Do For A Living - My Chemical Romance

Spotify | Youtube

[maddy-ferguson]

even if you think mike's love triangle is a carbon copy of nancy's you should still be able to see that he has a problem with conformity if only because nancy did lol

[diningpageantry]

haaaaiiii guyyyyssss (gn) probably gonna be on here more often again soon. life events occurring. have occurred? still occurring, i suppose.

i'll probably post abt it more in depth at some ltr point, still in the very early stages of some stuff. i dont want to classify them as positive or negative things, however they're certainly things.

there's a lot of thoughts in my brain (hah), and ultimately i want to share them, but for now this is kind of me waving at everyone with a smile while my life has an "under construction" sign

[pepprs]

also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!

[nerdnag]

I hope everyone who reads this is having a better day than I am 🙏

[trashlie]

Meaning in Falls in ILY (spoilers for ep 200)

The last post I want to make about the recent ILY posts is something that came up on reddit. I’m going to copy and paste my response lol because it’s something I spent too long mulling over, and even if it ends up meaning nothing, sometimes it’s just nice to have all these thoughts in one place, isn’t it?

Someone over on reddit posed the following question in the FP discussion post for episode 200: 

[img: reddit user snaakeguy asked  so much of this story has these important life altering moments centered around falling. the formal, nol jumping into the pool, this. i wonder what the significance behind that is.]

My thoughts were this:

(spoilers for ep 200)

At the risk of overthinking it, too, I think we can separate it further into the difference between a fall and a jump, right? A fall is an event completely out of out control vs a jump being a choice. In general, things crash and burn in life all all time, and we're left to deal with the ramifications of them. That can range from things not working out to unexpected deaths, plans that get indefinitely shelved. I THINK in ILY the falls (simply) create (narrative) parallels, but I'm not against the idea of there being meaning in them, either. But we do know that Nol's fall vs dive foil each other - his fall was an "opportunity" to give in that he lost when he instead chose to help Shinae; his jump embraced that feeling but he was met with renewed vigor and rebirth. You can take it further, too, in that the fall could have been the death of Yeonggi (and maybe a less metaphorical death), but his chosen jump WAS the death of Yeonggi, one he made of his own volition.

We've seen both fall and jump paralleled with Shinae's, and that sense of peace and calm. She goes from shocked to a horrifying sense of peace, like she's welcoming what's coming. In fact, the way this is interspersed with those AWFUL girls and their "She deserved it" "You shouldn't feel bad" comments leans into what she was telling Nol - that she was punished for daring to believe she can change her fortune or stray from her path. In that moment, young Shinae concluded she cannot change this trajectory, that she does not deserve what she was seeking. Interestingly, where Shinae embraces that moment of peace, Nol denies himself it, says he doesn't deserve it.

[A sidebar here to add on to this thought above: at the time of the formal, when Nol falls and decides he doesn’t deserve this peace yet, it’s because there is something yet in the past that Nol blames himself for, and because he has not yet reached the absolution he believes he must seek. For him to give up in that moment would be unfair, because his mindset is that he deserves all punishment that comes his way, and that there is no point in fighting it. For the amount of mental strife he’s in, peace would be a gift, and thus it’s an unwelcome opportunity. Shinae had not yet reached that conclusion - that comes after. In this moment, she’s willing to embrace it because she’s not yet saddled with the concept of undeserving, hasn’t yet decided that maybe life is punishing her simply for existing. Until now, she had still tried to defy it. This is, instead, the moment Shinae concludes there is no reason for her to try to fight what she believes is her destiny.]

Though we don't know Shinae's thoughts during her pool fall, given her addled state and that we were pointedly in no one's head, even though this is not a chosen jump like Nol's, she DOES end up at the railing because she WANTED to jump into the pool. Obviously this is different than Nol's circumstances but I still find it interesting - Shinae wants to "follow her dreams", Nol wants to feel what it's like to fly. I don't think they're equally comparable in that way, but the RESULT is. Nol jumps and leaves Yeonggi behind, rebirthed as Nolan, embracing his identity. Shinae falls and leaves behind.... I wouldn't call it INNOCENCE exactly but it DOES ride on the back of learning she was taken advantage of, manipulated, and trapped into this position (AND Sangchul tried to PHYSICALLY take advantage of her). She had tried so hard to be the good girl that was asked of her, to take care of her father, to stay off the streets. In desperation she asked for a favor and was tricked. She's done being a "good girl" - she tries to fight back, she refuses to back down and let people walk over her. Prior in the story, Shinae lets people say whatever they will about her, because what does it matter. Later, we get to see her square up against Sangchul. Maybe in the past she may have kept quiet and let him imply she's the Hirahara family's bicycle but in the present we get to see her get in his face and yell at him lmaoooooooo. I think this probably extends further, too, in conjunction with this flashback arc. Shinae prior would likely have let Nol run away, accepted that this is how it goes, no one ever stays, this is what life decided you deserve, that she doesn’t matter, but instead she makes repeated efforts to reach out to him. EVEN THOUGH she went through something similar with Alyssa she still decides to make an effort so she's left with no regrets.

So even tho Shinae's pool fall is not a jump by choice, I think it still represents a sense of "rebirth" - rebranding yourself, embracing something you hadn't prior. In a way, they both come out of this choosing themselves. Shinae chooses to defend herself, to fight for herself; Nol chooses to stop being Yeonggi and to be Nolan, to give up his mask and embrace his real self.

So while I think falls/jumps are being used to maintain these parallels, I think we CAN read into them a bit, with what CHANGES in direct response to that fall. Is it a coincidence that the "rebirths" involves pools? (And it's not like a pool immediately equates to that, either; Nol's pool fall FOILS Shinae's, where hers parallels his pool jump. Where Nol is ready to let peace embrace him, he has to take up the Yeonggi mask once more to save Shinae. Like Shinae's school fall, this fall leaves him trapped in a fate he believes inescapable, a personal prison. In fact, Nol wears his Yeonggi persona like a prison in the same way Shinae builds up her walls and locks herself away. Tho he has people around him, he's not honest with them and is just as much isolated as Shinae is). There's something to read into regarding the intention vs lack of, tho it definitely does not hold up 100% regarding Shinae. I guess it's ultimately: what does the impact reveal? Embracing the believed inevitable vs those moments of "clarity" (ironic word choice since Shinae literally cannot recall parts of her night, but enough to realize she does not want to lie down and be taken advantage of).

I hope we won't see any more jumps/falls to test out if this is true tho lol. Maybe just, yknow, the metaphorical kind (perhaps a fall from grace, fall from power vs a leap of faith, jumping into something new, jumping at an opportunity.)

(And because I'm me and ADHD has me all over the place, I wonder if it's SUPER overthinking to compare Nol climbing up to the rooftop with falling/jumping lol. I think yes, but I'm still going to muse about the intentional choice to pull himself from his pit of despair and maybe allow himself a reprieve, rather than trying to jump to one only to realize it might not be what he actually wants. Choosing to join Shinae on the rooftop is just as intentional as choosing to jump from the balcony into the pool, and in a way they might be seen as part of each other. Nol needed to make that jump and free himself in order to face Shinae the way he did; that was him letting go of control, freeing himself from what was keeping him a prisoner (Yeonggi, himself) and joining Shinae is the intentional choice to take control and make his own choices for himself. I do believe lol this is very much overthinking and that it wasn’t intentionally written to be an extension of the pool jump, but I do like how the actions go together.)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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