#Anyway i started feeling like maybe meeting people when i had time and wasnt working 24/7 wouldnt be so bad

[freebooter4ever]

A friend called and something he said is nagging at the self-hating part of my mind....

I just...when im working i always use the excuse of 'im too busy to date' and when im unemployed im always too ashamed and depressed/worthless to date. That doesnt leave any moments TO date?

[andromerot]

my pedro almodóvar marathon. thoughts, feelings, tier list

or, i spent like 50 hours on this so i better get to post about it

well, i'd be lying if i said i set out to do this with any clear goals in mind. i sort of just wanted to watch movies. this year i set out to watch through a couple of directors entire works, but ran into complications or got bored. so anyway when i finished my term i decided id try a third time with my best friend pedro. i had watched five of his films already but was mostly unaware of other things he had made. on the 22nd of november i started with matador, then went on and in exactly a month i had watched all of his feature films yayyy

so this is how i ranked them on letterboxd and this is a tier list. this doesnt really sum up my thoughts though so im leaving a little review for each below the cut, in the order i watched them in this month hope someone cares :) thank you

matador (1986): ohhhhhh my god. absolutely unexpected how insane this movie made me. many people say its not very good, i dont think that's true. transgressive, erotic, camp, necrosexual, implicit faggot tension, beautiful costuming, insanely talented cast of so many characters sick in the head. watching this one first really hyped me up to keep at it and to close out the month i rewatched it the other day and though it was less surprising than the first time i watched it its maybe my favorite now :) it has structural flaws i suppose. but i love it

¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto? (1984): pretty funny! not bad at all, i remember enjoying it as i watched it, it just wasnt very memorable. i enjoy every performance by carmen maura, chus was stellar as always and forqué was really sweet in this one too, i liked it. i literally forgot half of the plot though. did anyone remember the telepathic child or the faked hitler diaries? i didnt until i looked it up.

la ley del deseo (1987) (rewatched): showed this one to my friend, god its iconic. some of my favorite chiques almodovar. so fun to watch and so silly even though its not quite a comedy. the fact that antonio is just called antonio in this one makes me unwarrantedly happy. MAURA THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE!! very hot all around. i think i liked it better this time than the other two i had watched it.

pepi, luci, bom y otras chicas del montón (1980): everyone talks about how sexually transgressive 80s almodovar is and i was like yeah whatever until i watched this one. straight up trilogy of trash shit. so beautiful. i wish every movie was like this. no one likes it but i adored it. erecciones generales will stay in my mind forever and i loved the musical numbers. and the piss, of course.

entre tinieblas (1983): also somewhat forgettable, though i watched it while pretty worried about something else so maybe i didnt give it the attention it deserved. its not a bad time but i wouldn't rewatch it. based on the premise you think it'd be better.

la flor de mi secreto (1995) (rewatched): OH GOD. until last month my favorite almodóvar, its been outdone but it still destroys me. its terribly underrated. i dont even know what i can say about it... marisa paredes is stunning at doing desperation. the boots, the scene at the protest, the initial meeting with ángel, the poem in the car, that moment in the hall. it's beautiful and breathtaking. lesbian film history, i promise.

todo sobre mi madre (1999): like, its good, but i dont get what people see in it that makes it so acclaimed. again paredes is great in this, but penélope is somewhat tame compared to what she does later, and this is the point in the list where i have to admit cecilia roth is not very good to me and all my compatriots start throwing rocks at me. listen i just wish she'd stop doing that stupid accent its so fucking bad cecilia sincerate seguro sos de villa crespo. anyway its fine if a bit weird about trans women, but hes always a hit or miss w that

átame (1989): took a big break between the last one and this one for some reason. anyway, pretty funny, except it really drags in the middle. shouldnt have been that long, but victoria abril always slays and the last scene is wonderful.

tacones lejanos (1991): WOAHHHHH! really cool i liked it. i love a mother daughter thing especially this mother and this daughter. really fun doppelganger story and i love how it was told, i found it both melodramatic and subtle? miguel bosé makes a really pretty girl, this will inform my every subsequent rewatch of suspiria. big fan of his gender. dance number fucked obvs

kika (1993) (rewatch): ok, i know why people don't like this one, but its so silly... cmon. it sillay. once again incredible abril performance, the costuming my god.... her character makes the whole movie i wish i was her. lesbian rossy de palma was wonderful and every forqué performance is a delight. pedro getting hitchcockian with it to slightly trick the audience is a staple of his 90s filmography, fucks.

carne trémula (1997): the title made me think it would be better! there was barely any carne. i didn't really see the point of most of it tbh, though based on how the movie starts and ends there might be some spanish historical context that im missing that makes it more interesting. strangely reminiscing of the buenos aires affair to me, but puig is better. yeah it was just pretty boring.

laberinto de pasiones (1982): YAYYYYYY i had some trouble torrenting so i watched it really out of order this but its SO FUN. obviously in the same vein as pepi luci bom but i liked it slightly more just for how unnecessarily elaborate it was. the one major role i dont mind roth being in and im a big fan of antonios gay terrorist with an ultradeveloped sense of smell character and arias is really into his very silly character too – he works well in secreto as well, i wish hed been on more almodovares, i should finally watch camila. liné was hilarious too. the problematic incest storyline was really funny to me sorryyyyy and i got a lot of gender out of the musical performances. hey can you believe that beautiful fag covered in blood is a franquista now. i can

hable con ella (2002): ehhhhhhh. some people really hate this one for the couple scenes i found most interesting, others love it for reasons i cant parse. its got parts that caught my attention a lot, but mostly it was eerie in an unenjoyable and uninteresting way and the backstories dragged on too long, especially grandinetti's. like i just don't care sorry. THE scene is quite disturbing though. i appreciated he decided to show rape in a more subtle light for once, it made it a lot more cruel and a lot more interesting.

la mala educación (2004) (rewatch): sighhhh. i really wish i liked this one. its got so many elements i am into – the colours are obviously spectacular, the unreliable multiple narrations and the disassembled timelines are always enjoyable to me, the attempt at social commentary is appreciated, some scenes are stunning (fictional ignacios head split in half is unforgettable) but quite honestly the characterization is so bad it bores me. i liked it more the first time i watched it just because of how confused i was, once i wasnt it lost its magic. maybe the worst in what is considered the "somewhat autobiographical movies about directors" trilogy (i think there's four of them but we'll discuss that later) probably because the character of enrique is so bland. i know its more but it feels that you only spend like five minutes with him. ángel/juan's motivations for anything are so puzzling, ignacio is just a caricature at this point and probably the character with the most depth is berenguer, which is ironic, i guess

volver (2006): WAHHH. its hard to talk about it honestly. it was so unexpectedly beautiful. the acting is so on point – penélope cruz and that beautiful carmen maura comeback are self evident, but blanca portillo is also stellar. it was fascinating from minute one and i couldnt keep my eyes off it. its written with such care and love. i suppose the plot itself is nothing out of this world, but the way it is handled is explosive. i really adored it.

los abrazos rotos (2009): the fourth bastard on the self insert series! cmon, its way more about himself than la mala educación. anyway, its good at some points, not very in others. the strong point is obviously the relationship between mateo, judit and diego, their refusal to be tied as a family and their desire to be tied by love is reaaaally interesting. the scene at the sea... but penélope and her millionaire and her millionaires son do nothing interesting at any point, im afraid to say. sad! surprisingly not very memorable, even though i didnt dislike it as i watched it. like i remember i liked some things but if a couple weeks later i dont remember what they were its probably the movies fault

la piel que habito (2011): AUGHHH OK. fuck. THIS ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD. it wasnt it was really mid. when it started i was like oh is pedro trying out his hand at cronenberg and i was really excited because im SURE he can do cronenberg better than cronenberg but he didnt. it was worse. how are you giving your women less agency than that guy??? honestly probably the first ever film of his where this is a noticeable problem, though penélope in the last one should give us a hint. ughh it should have been good. im mad about that. no desire to question gender or power and the unchronological storytelling does nothing for me. BAD! if anything i recognized its sexual power for if banderas character was a woman i would be throwing up and convulsing on the floor. i hope vicente and his lesbian coworker had a beautiful romance i guess. i cant believe some people call this one one of the most controversial of his work....

los amantes pasajeros (2013): hm well everyone was like THIS is the bad one and i was like i bet you guys are just being mean but no yeah this is the bad one. its not funny and it drags on so long...i can usually defend the rape scenes in his movies, even in kika or hable con ella, but this one just sucks so bad. i was prepared to defend this movie but i cant. as soon as the movie started i was trying to guess where all the threads would connect, how all the characters would be linked and they mostly... weren't? also the reference to the gazpacho scene in mujeres made me groan out loud.

julieta (2016): well i dont really know what this was supposed to be....it feels on the surface it could have been really good but something about it felt so emotionless. it was an odd experience, watching it, because i expected to be moved by so many scenes and i never was. i dont know what the point of it was.

dolor y gloria (2019): ok yeah this one was sweet! didn't blow my mind or anything but it was very cleverly made...a really more beautiful way to do the childhood-as-movie thing than in mala educación, i really enjoyed it. nostalgia bores me sometimes but i feel hes not being annoying about it. long live old man yaoi (and finally an argentinian actor i DONT hate...) and that beautiful beautiful cave and that mind gripping apartment bringing in the characteristic insane set design but in a new way...i had a good time

madres paralelas (2021): oh this could have been so good! it wasnt but honestly i dont remember exactly why i disliked it. i suppose i didnt connect to the characters and that it is a story that requires that to engage you – their motivations were really out of place and unlike other movies that bothered me. really interesting premise, didnt work out. im sad about it. could have been cool.

yeah so that's it i only realized while writing this that i forgot to rewatch mujeres but obvs that ones very good, proper classic, quote it every time i eat gazpacho and such. also extraña forma de vida is a snore i refuse to watch it again. i hope this works as a rec list for someone. and i am ready to be stoned by my wrong opinions by the rest of you

[gayleafpool]

okay so hugo and varian as wolfwalkers. who bites who

OH UR NOT EVEN READY. IVE BEEN SITTING ON THIS AU FOR MONTHS!!!!!!!!! had 2 scour a discord chat for stuff bc i KNOW i’ve talked about this before and i was right hehe. OK LISTEN UP!!!!!!

k so. donella is a wolfwalker and has been since before she could remember. she accidentally turns ulla when they’re teens but it works out fine bc ulla thinks this is awesome so everything seems cool for awhile. and then ulla gets w quirin and she has varian etc etc u know the drill but all the while she keeps the fact that she’s a wolfwalker hidden from quirin. UNTIL. one day she ends up getting killed by a wolf hunter while she’s in her wolf form. donella sees it happen and has to go tell quirin. oof ouch. then she moves faaaaar away to try and move on. varian ends up not being a wolfwalker and quirin is like oh thank god. but lol sorry man that wont last long. and then the events of tts happen as normal varian commits crimes and goes to jail quirin gets amberified etc. then post tts varian is struggling to fit in and move on cuz he’s got no friends his age and most people in town don’t like him bc of his history and he just feels very lonely and like he doesn’t belong anywhere. and one day he’s just kinda hanging out in the woods outside old corona and he stumbles across a wolf. the wolf is hugo ofc. hugo backstory in a moment. so hugo sees him and assumes oh shit human in the woods he’s gotta be a hunter so he instinctively attacks him and bites him on the arm, before quickly realizes wait nvm this person has no weapons and obviously wasnt expecting 2 see me so he jumps off him and runs away. but too late varian has already been bitten. so he starts doing wolfwalkery shit and is freaking out and trying to figure out what’s going on while keeping is a secret from his dad. meanwhile donella finds out what hugo did and basically tells him to get lost bc he’s too irresponsible and put them both at risk by changing someone who was supposed to be uninvolved in this. and for reference hugo got changed into a wolfwalker by donella when he was a kid bc she figured it would make him a more effective spy/conman. now he can kill people as a person or as a wolf haha 2in1 bonus. so anyway hugo goes back and finds varian and meets him while in human form and tries to be like heyyyy hi i have absolutely no ulterior motives for talking to you. btw have you been having any weird dreams lately. and they sort of hate each other for awhile bc hugo blames varian for being the reason donella kicked him to the curb and varian is mad at hugo for biting him. and wait you know what would be funny what if donella wants to kill varian bc she sees him as a liability and what if she says hey hugo u can redeem urself if you kill him for me bc i know he trusts u and then uh oh choice time. meanwhile both varian and hugo and constantly trying to not get murdered by wolf hunters (quirin probably for extra angst) (maybe idk cass or eugene too even more angst) (this is excessively long) (have a good day)

[thedo0zyslider]

Trapped - 5k words

Jimmy is trapped in his jail cell, and has quite the unfun time.

Or: A more angsty reading of the stream Fwhip was fired on.

A03 Link

When The Sheriff built the Tumble Town jail, he was not expecting to be the one locked inside it. It was quite ironic, an authority figure jailed like the criminals he swore to catch. Or maybe he was just like those people, deep down. But that wasn't the point, he was just like any other upstanding citizen. And it wasnt why he was locked behind bars. There wasn't even a reason, really. Jimmy’s fellow rulers thought it was quite funny to mess with him, and today that had apparently involved trapping him in the empire's jail.

It had started with only a few people coming over, not with the intent to tease him originally. Fwhip has stopped by for a visit first, saying something about the Gobland's prisoner and that he needed to be dealt with today. After they'd worked out the details of the agreement the two restored to friendly chatting as they walked through Tumble Town. Fwhip offered to donate some iron and anvils for Jimmy’s railroad, as he had collected plenty in the caves and would continue to find more. (Isn't it funny, the same iron that Fwhip offered Jimmy would later try to steal) If Jimmy was really in need of the ore Fwhip also said he could get the Sheriff in contact with False. The blonde had been meaning to meet the mysterious ruler of Cogsmeade. Though she seemed pretty skittish and Jimmy didn’t want to give a bad impression, so he'd avoided showing up at her empire randomly. Scott, her neighbor, said she was friendly enough when you got to know her. But Jimmy had been so busy in his own empire, and with Joel becoming a constant nuisance he hadn’t had the time to schedule a meeting with False.

As they were discussing this, Jimmy expressing gratitude over the offer and trying to work out a time to meet False, the flap of wings were heard overhead. The Sheriff and his deputy looked up to see Gem swooping down, butterfly wings shining in the bright sun of the mesa. She landed a few feet away, more graceful than most of them could, though natural wings were probably more reliable than elytra. Jimmy tipped his hat at his ally with a "Howdy!" while Fwhip ran over to Dawn's Princess, tail swishing in joy as he greeted her.

"Hi Gem!" Fwhip smiled his toothy smile, running around her legs like an excited dog. He acted like a dog a lot actually, now that Jimmy thought about it.

Gem laughed at the goblins' antics, folding her wings against her back. "I missed you too, Fwhip." The smaller beamed at that, jumping onto Jimmy’s shoulders when they reached where he was standing. The Sheriff paid no mind as Fwhip perched on his shoulder like some kind of bird. It wasn't an unusual sight, as Fwhip had begun doing it a few weeks into their partnership. It was one of his quirks. He might be the tallest goblin, standing at over four feet (which was apparently rare for his species) but he didn't weigh much, he was only the size of a human child after all. He didn't weigh much to Jimmy anyways, someone like Shelby might have a harder time supporting several pounds of extra weight on their shoulder for more than a few minutes.

"Jimmy, do you have some orange terracotta? I need some for roofs." Gem asked, only glancing at the other person now on his shoulder. "I can give you some honeycomb in return."

"Of course!" He responded, glad to do another trade deal. The Sheriff liked trading, it made him feel helpful. "Lemme go get it for you, doll." He added a bit of southern twang into his voice, winking with a tip of his cowboy hat. Gem fondly rolled her eyes at the nickname, it was one of the many he'd given her jokingly once. They’d ended up sticking and it was common to hear Gem be called things like "sweetheart" and "sugar" by her ally.

Fwhip's tail flicked in amusement, then he jumped down from Jimmy’s shoulder without a word, understanding the Sheriff probably wanted him off now. It wasn't that Jimmy couldn't carry him, he could. It was just a bit too much weight to carry on his shoulders sometimes, and it tended to leave him more exhausted than, say, carrying Fwhip bridal style. Not that he'd done that. The goblin wanted to talk to Gem anyway, since he ran to her side instantly.

His two friends chatted about something as they followed Jimmy to his storage room. The building was a work in progress, and took a while to find anything, but it would get better in time.

Jimmy found the orange terracotta within five minutes, which is faster than he'd found something the other day. Either the chests were becoming more organized or he was just getting good at shifting through the mess.

"Are you sure honeycomb is okay? I've given you that a lot recently." Gem asked once he returned with the terracotta, five stacks in his arms.

"It's fine Gem, really." Jimmy smiled, handing her the trade items. Gem returned his smile, beginning to shift through her inventory. After a few seconds of looking her brows furrowed. "Shoot!" Gem exclaimed.

"Did you forget to bring honeycomb?" Fwhip asked, snickering.

"Yes!" Gem sighed, earning a chuckle from The Sheriff.

"I'll be back." She said, spreading her monarch wings. Gem was quickly airborne again, flying back to her empire to retrieve her side of the trade. Jimmy knew it would be a quick trip, the flight to Tumble Town to Dawn and back only took about thirty minutes. It was also a sunny day, and Gem got more powerful in sunlight. The journey was bound to be a lot quicker today.

While they waited for Gem to return, another person saw it fit to visit.

The next visitor was more colorful, a man claiming he’d just wanted to see what his favorite sheriff was up to, and was totally unaware of the guests he had. Scott also said he was sick and sounded horrible, so he wouldn’t be chatting much. Jimmy was glad to hear that, thinking maybe his visit would be short; even if the man ended up lying out of his ass about the no talking part. Jimmy didn’t exactly believe Chromia’s ruler on, well, anything he’d said; but decided there was no harm in his friend staying for a while, having people over once in a while could be nice.

That was until Sausage showed up. Yep, having people over wasn’t nice anymore. The brunette had ruined the whole concept by just existing in Jimmy’s biome that day. Sausage seemed intent on staying too, flirting up a storm with Scott at his newly built saloon. Chromia’s ruler flirted right back of course, Scott being, well, Scott. Jimmy watched them from the entrance of the tavern, sighing internally. There went his afternoon meeting with False.

Gem arrived shortly after the other two’s entrance, finding the small group in the tavern. She gave the Sheriff what he was owed for the trade, before going to join the little conversation.

He was honestly getting a tad annoyed with his fellow rulers. He had plans today, and all the unexpected company was interrupting it. He was The Sheriff , he had responsibilities and a job to do, for Cod’s sake!

The only person to not annoy him was his deputy, his oh so wonderful deputy. Fwhip had been by Jimmy’s side the entire day, offering conversation to distract him from any annoyances plaguing his mind. He was quite grateful for the little goblin, who even tried to help with the railroad when Jimmy tried to work on it. They didn’t get far though, as his empire’s guests interrupted the work pretty quickly to tease them about whatever. The Sheriff didn’t know what they were saying, he was tuning them out a bit. Fwhip seemed to be doing the same, giving Sausage a very unimpressed look after a particular comment Sanctuary's ruler made. The blonde vaguely wondered why the little goblin seemed to be turning red.

Jimmy wished they didn't use elytra, so he could shove his friends through his nether portal and then break it. It would've gotten everyone but his deputy out of his hair. Hell if they didn't have elytra none of them would be here right now

He was barely functioning correctly a few hours later, a bit exhausted by the constant social interaction. Jimmy wanted to get somewhere today, so if the troublesome trio wouldn’t leave he’d just try to work around them.

He beckoned Fwhip over, and the goblin dismissed himself from the conversation immediately. His deputy followed him until they went behind the storage room, Jimmy taking his hat off once they were out of sight from the others. He always wore the hat, but it did get hot sometimes. As long as it didn't leave his person, Jimmy would be okay.

"Can you bring Oli here?" Jimmy asked, running a hand through his hair. Fwhip opened his mouth to protest, but stopped when he saw the face The Sheriff was making.

"Sheriff, are you okay?" A familiar gentleness seeped into Fwhip's tone, a small hand reaching for Jimmy’s. He let his deputy hold his hands in his, letting the action comfort him. The other's tail began to flick worriedly, throwing up small puffs of dust from the terracotta below.

Jimmy gave a weak smile. "Yeah, just wasn't expecting everyone today. Kinda ruins my plans." Fwhip's gaze became less concerned, his tail occasionally flicking across Jimmy’s lower leg. "I was kinda excited to meet False."

"There's always next time." His deputy reassured. Jimmy hummed in agreement. "So you want me to bring Oli over here, then I can bring him back to Gobland for..whatever his sentence will be?" The plan had originally been to see the Goblands prisoner in the cage he was currently being held in, and maybe bring him to Tumble Town if the crime called for it. They were supposed to be doing that now, but Jimmy couldn't exactly leave his empire with one other ruler visiting, and certainly not with more than that. It was impolite. Gem turning up was a surprise, but if the others hadn't shown up she'd have been gone right now. Yet here they are, with half of his fellow emperors parading around his town for god knows what reason.

Jimmy gave a small nod of agreement at his deputy's suggestion, the smaller beaming at this. "Alright, I can do that!" Fwhip smiled, relaxing Jimmy’s hands. His tail had a happier flicking to it now.

"Thank you." Jimmy’s smile widened. "Have I ever told you what a great deputy you are?"

Fwhip giggled, ears twitching in amusement. "Nope!"

"Well now I have!" The Sheriff began to walk back to the group, hat being placed atop his head once more. He straightened it as he watched Fwhip pull out some firework rockets, waving a curt goodbye to Sausage as he took off.

"What were you and Fwhip doing back there, hmmm Sheriff?" Scott asked when he rejoined the group. And dear god he did sound terrible, not that the Sheriff had had a real chance to hear him speak. They were stood off to the side a little ways, as Jimmy wasn't feeling very social at the moment.

"Talking." Jimmy responded simply, ignoring how his friends' multicolored eyes twinkled with mischief.

"Just talking, nothing else?" Scott smiled, nudging him. Jimmy flicked his stupid ferbora up, though the action held no real malice. Scott tipped his hat down with the same air of lightheartedness, and Jimmy let out a small huff as he fixed both of their hats.

"Such a gentleman, fixing the hat he messed up." Scott teased. "But you're avoiding my question, Jimothy."

"Yes, we were only talking, Scott." Jimmy said, with a roll of his eyes.

"Nothing else? Nothing at all?" Jimmy flushed at what Scott was implying, but chose to act like he didn't quite understand what the other man meant. "Nope, no idea what you're talking about." Scott clearly didn't believe him, if his smirk said anything.

"Sure, okay" Scott drew out the last word, turning his attention back to the group. Jimmy studied his friend for a second, seeing his gaze stayed fixed on Sausage despite Gem being there as well.

"You haven’t been doing anything with Sausage now have you?" Jimmy teased, smirking as the faintest blush spread across Scott's cheeks.

"Why would I be doing anything with Sausage?" Was the other man's smooth reply.

"Didn't you call him your Wood Daddy-"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Scott’s voice raised as he cut Jimmy off, earning a glance from the other two. Jimmy just snickered, Gem beckoning them over and Sausage loudly calling both their names.

"Well, we're clearly wanted elsewhere." The Sheriff tipped his hat upwards on his head.

"Then let's go see them, Sheriff." Scott was no longer visibly flustered, his voice becoming smooth once more. Chromia's ruler walked over, shouting a greeting at the group. Jimmy giggled to himself, following right behind Scott. Maybe this visit wouldn't be so bad

It did not take Fwhip long to return, his prisoner in tow. He introduced Oli to the group, though all of them but Scott had met the man before. He shoved the taller forward, Oli stumbling and almost falling to the ground. He gave an offended yell in response, the others giggling at the two’s antics.

Oli was quite the unique person, with an inclination for singing, Jimmy noted. Gem did catch him performing in her tavern and did call him a bard. Oli insisted he was not a bard, but no one really believed him. He certainly acted like some sort of performer, regardless of whatever he claimed to not be. Most people would be uncomfortable under all the attention he was currently under, with several almost complete strangers crowding around him, but Oli seemed to thrive in it. He made banter with the others easily, Sausage in particular. Jimmy knew the two had already met, but it seemed like the banter that you would share with an old friend, not some random weird guy that washed up on your empire's shore. Maybe that was one of the weird things about Oli, maybe he just had that effect on people. The Sheriff didn’t mind if he did though. The other man was a tad weird, but other than that he was lively and friendly. Jimmy liked him and was sure they could come to a reasonable agreement about his charges. Even if Oli spouted nonsense half the time he seemed like he'd be reasonable enough when it came down to it.

His clothes were torn, more torn than when Jimmy had last seen him. It was probably due a few more weeks in the cave. He knew Fwhip maybe hadn’t been treating the prisoner the best, and he felt a bit bad about not stepping in, but it was too late now. He just hoped he could make it up to Oli after the latter’s community service ended.

Everything seemed determined to go wrong that day, as the discussion with Oli was put on hold once more. Somehow Scott’s hat had been stolen and Jimmy, determined to do his duty as Sheriff, diligently tried to give it back. Chromia’s ruler, despite claiming he was ill and wanted to avoid much talking, thanked him all the while. Looking back on it later, Jimmy would realize just how much of a joke the whole thing felt like. How even his own deputy had joined in on humiliating him.

He wasn’t sure how the worst moment of his life happened, everything became a blur after that. Everything mixed together in his mind, and the one thing that stook out the most was a stolen badge and Fwhip blabbering something about a promotion. He wasn’t getting one, that wasn’t planned. So that had to have been just a joke right? He didn’t really steal the badge did he? Well… whatever, it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t even be considered for a promotion anymore.

The Sheriff had ended up trapped in his own jail cell, the memory too fuzzy and the moment too full of chaos for him to remember how. He thinks he may have been trying to usher everyone from the building, and they’d turned the tables on him instead. His threats, his promises , of firing his goblin deputy were met with only laughter, because this was supposed to be a joke . He wasn’t actually serious, that was ridiculous of course!

It wasn’t a joke to the Sheriff, not when he’d been struggling to get free for over five minutes. When the obsidian walls started to close in around the edges of his vision. When he was killed and respawned, trapped again, for at least the sixth time, it was no longer a joke. They’d put him in a bloody death loop and thought it was funny .

Memories started to replay in his head, of the last time he’d been trapped like this. It hadn’t happened too long ago, but wasn’t in this lifetime. He was in a box of cobblestone instead of obsidian, a box much smaller than his current one and soft grass instead of wood underneath his feet. He could tell he had wings, because they were taking up too much space, space he desperately needed. The outfit was similar to his current Sheriff’s one, though now he wore a blue bandana; a nice one at that. It looked as if it had been crafted by loving hands.

The people who had trapped him would momentarily break the top block of his cell to jaunt and tease him, ignoring any cry to be freed; no matter how desperate it was. Jimmy could not see their faces, for the memory was fuzzy and fleeting, but he could recognize the striking blue of Scott’s hair. The brown haired woman looked familiar, like the woman Sausage worshiped, while the blonde man and the redheaded zombie only bright him the vaguest sense of knowing. His only comfort in this memory was that they couldn;t kill him, the only thing that could be done was keep in the small space. Killing him there was irreversible, and would take another person with him.

He could feel that other person’s heart beating in tandem with his, and the worry coursing through them. Soulmate . That was his soulmate. Jimmy knew the information almost instinctively, and wished whoever the person was would be here in the present. They saved him in the memory, but weren’t there in the present. He wasn’t there to save him when the obsidian turned to cobblestone in his mind, and the Sheriff’s breathing began to pick up. No one was there to save him when SolidarityGaming was slain by fWhip began to repeat endlessly in chat.

Jimmy scrambled back to his feet upon his next respawn, determined to end this. He was the Sheriff, he was respected and didn’t show weakness . He wasn’t hyperventilating over a prank, he wasn’t having a panic attack over a stupid memory. Dodging arrows, he ended the five emperor's little game by breaking the jail cell’s bed. They couldn’t put him in a death loop if he couldn’t respawn.

He stumbled out of the building to the slightly disappointed chatter of his friends. Their faces weren’t clear to him, just blobs of color as he regained his composure slowly. Scott gave him his items back suspiciously quickly and he hoped the other didn’t see the beginnings of tears Jimmy blinked away.

The Sheriff roughly snatched his hat off of Fwhip’s head, finding that the little goblin had fled to the railroad once more. The other shrunk beneath his stern, disapproving gaze, and Jimmy felt a small bit of satisfaction bubble up inside him at the action.

“I’m really disappointed.” He said, not paying any mind to the crowd of so-called friends that formed around them. Sausage’s exclamation of surprise was distant to the blonde’s ears. “I’m very, very, disappointed in you,” The Sheriff saw it, how the light died from Fwhip’s eyes as he stood in front of him. It was very subtle, the goblins body language, and one would only pick up on it if they were close with the small king. “You’re fired.” Jimmy almost growled.

Fwhip’s body language became less subtle at those words, and regret mixed with shock started pouring into his pretty blue eyes. His tail dropped to the floor, no longer flicking idly behind him, and his big ears started to droop as well. The Sheriff opened his mouth to speak again, but was cut off by Sausage.

“You two should kiss!” Sanctuary’s protector called. The other four around him made words of agreement, all that fell on the blonde’s deaf ears.

“What?”

Before he could process what was happening Jimmy felt himself be tugged down slightly and the press of lips against his own. Fwhip kissed him quickly, sweetly, and the Sheriff desperately wished he could say it was bad. He wished it didn’t make his pulse quicken and his cheeks flush. Under any other circumstance, Jimmy would’ve dared to lean into it and kiss his deputy back. Fwhip pulled away just as quickly as he’d pulled the Sheriff downwards, and Jimmy’s lips felt like ash. Part of him wished it had tasted sweeter.

"What did you just do?" Jimmy exclaimed, staring at Fwhip. The goblin said nothing, just looked at him. It was a sad look, one a kicked puppy might have. He shoved down how painful it was too see Fwhip like that. It wasn't painful it was pathetic, that he had the gall to look sad after…..what just happened. "What did you just do? "

"He kissed you!" Sausage helpfully chimed in, and all the love Jimmy held for that man momentarily vanished. He bit back a response of "No shit" and resisted the urge to punch Sausage. He loved that man, but his giggles and joyful demeanor were out of place for the turmoil occurring inside the Sheriff, and Fwhip took from the looks of it. The Goblin still had those kicked puppy dog eyes.

He caught a small concerned look from Scott, the man was always a little too intune to people's emotions. (Maybe an upset Jimmy was a familiar sight to Scott deep down. No matter how hard Jimmy tried to hide his feelings. Maybe he’d been able to read Jimmy like a book once upon a time, maybe they'd been something.)

Other than Chromia's ruler everyone had joyful expressions still, they still laughed. It fully dawned on the Sheriff then, what was happening. Almost everyone in front of him thought it was a joke, they thought the cage had been a joke. He was always the joke, the punching bag, wasn’t he? In every life he lived he was the one who was teased and outright bullied until people got bored, or a war started or something. The Sheriff couldn’t remember past lives clearly, but he knew regardless, the teasing felt all too familiar not to know. And Jimmy never broke, he never did. He always held his head high and pushed forward.

(Though the Sheriff didn't know it yet, one day in this life he wouldn't be able to push forward anymore. He would finally reach a breaking point.)

He'd always been a plaything in a sense to some people, long before he'd been called a toy by that nuisance of a God. A toy. In every life he was nothing but a toy to pick on until it wasn’t funny anymore. (But Joel hadn't thought of him like that once, but now he did. Maybe that was why Jimmy’s soul ached so much when the God continued his Toy Sheriff jokes)

One more look at Fwhip and Jimmy knew he had to leave, especially because the goblin was masking his inner torture with a smile. "I kissed the Sheriff!" Fwhip giggled. He was hurt as well, they'd hurt each other and Fwhip still treated it as a joke. (It was always Fwhip, in every lifetime they shared. His deputy, wasn't that funny? Wasn't that cruel?)

Jimmy had to leave. He couldn't stay in this mesa right now, he couldn't stay in his own town right now. And he had an excuse to leave as well. The one good thing the universe had granted him today, or maybe ever. The blonde wouldn't know, he couldn't remember. He wished he could.

He had to keep his voice from wavering when he spoke again, he was The Sheriff. The Sheriff was respected, he didn’t let things like this get to him. "Come on Oli, we're leaving." Jimmy turned abruptly without a word to the others, walking down his half finished railroad track. He heard no footsteps following him, only small laughs from his friends. "Oli, we're leaving." He repeated, a bit harsher this time. The other man was at his side within seconds. He didn’t even have a funny quip to say as he walked along The Sheriff, taking a small look over his shoulder. Jimmy didn’t see the look Oli had, he hoped it wasn’t one of joy. (It wasn’t)

In the darkness of the train tunnel Oli grabbed his hand. It was surprising, but Jimmy didn’t protest. Oli gave it a comforting squeeze. It was like he had known the Sheriff for a long time, the touch having the comfort only an old friend could give. Which didn’t make sense, they’d only met once, they weren't friends. But Jimmy didn’t care right now, maybe Oli just had that effect on people. After a moment Jimmy intertwined his fingers with Oli's, a short Thank You, I need that and Everything Hurts . The Sheriff didn’t want to let go. For once in his life he wanted to lean on someone, physically and metaphorically.

They let go when they heard the sound of Fwhip’s footsteps behind them. No more ideas needed to be spread after…what just happened with the Gobland ruler.

The trio made their way to Gobland in silence. It was rare for Oli to be quiet, but hey, at least he could read a room. Jimmy would give him that. He didn’t mind how Oli hovered at his side the whole journey, avoiding Fwhip like the plague. Oli let their arms occasionally brush, his way of giving comfort at the moment, and Jimmy didn’t mind at all, he damn near leaned into it. Fwhip took the lead at one point during the journey, not even glancing at Jimmy. He didn't care that his dep-ex deputy- wouldn't look at him. It didn't hurt at all, everything was fine. (Maybe if he said everything was fine, if he played pretend, then it would be.)

It would be fine. He would sort everything out at Gobland, like originally planned, then he would go home and try to forget this day ever happened. ( But the universe never let him forget, and it had proven just as much earlier.)

His stay in the cave empire was abrupt and far shorter than it normally used to be. Oli was indebted to eighty diamonds for his thievery from Gobland, and Fwhip could add interest to it when he so pleased. When the debt was paid off Oli’s crime would be acquitted, and besides that he was free to do whatever. The Sheriff had chosen something quickly, something likely to satisfy both parties. Fwhip and his proinser were almost as silent as he was, and the former didn’t even wish the Sheriff goodbye as he walked out the door.

Oli walked with him until the two left the goblin empire, their hands intertwined again and Jimmy squeezing back tighter than he had before. The man muttered something about setting up on a beach next to Gem, before parting ways. The Sheriff walked home slowly, forgetting about his elytra. His thoughts were scrambled, and he barely noticed the sun moving above his head

When Jimmy returned home it was dusk, the sun setting. He couldn't see the sunset from the fishbowl Tumble Town was located in, but he could see how the sky turned purple. The color seemed fitting, more so with the dark blue hues mixing into the sunset as the yellow, brighter and happier ones died out and the stars started to shine. Sadness and indifference is what these colors represented, and it was what Jimmy felt. Well, somewhat. He wasn't really sad, he just felt a numbness all over. It wasn't a good one either, it was the numbness you felt when you'd taken all you could take. The numbness that came with the bone deep tiredness Jimmy felt running through his veins.

His friends had left already, and it had been a few hours ago at best. Most footprints or other evidence that a small crowd had gathered was gone. The wind had blown sand and dust over them, a normal occurrence in the mesa, and now only vague imprints remained on the ground. It had been midday when Fwhip arrived, so the whole debacle had regrettably taken up his whole afternoon.

He would later learn that Scott was the one who shooed their fellow emperors home, not long after Jimmy had left. He felt grateful for Scott when he did. The man was a thief and a lawbreaker, but when it really came down to it he knew when to hit the breaks.

But for now Jimmy didn’t know that, nor did he care how they had left. He just hoped he could muster the energy to face them when they inevitably met again later in the week.

The town was now fading into its night time calm, its few citizens already having retired to their houses for the night. Jimmy ignored how he thought more of them were probably going to leave after today, thinking that his empire couldn't stand up for itself. He walked back to his house in silence, the only sounds were the faint snorts and neighs of stable horses and the crunching of his boots against the ground. He hoped his people were inside, not wanting to be seen like this .

Jimmy shut the door to his home with a loud slam, a noise that probably the whole town could hear. He could care less though, especially if more people were going to be gone by morning anyways.

Two feline figures appeared from the darkness, as Jimmy wasn't even bothering to turn on a light. The biggest cat, Norman, gave a plaintive meow while the smaller one pawed at the food bowls.

"Alright, alright." Jimmy mumbled fondly, hanging his hat in its usual place. He walked over to where the cat food was stored, picking up the littlest one as he went. Flick gave a few mrrows of protest but seemed content when his owner scratched behind his ears. Norman followed the two, footsteps sounding against the wooden floor.

He deposited Flick on the counter, reaching into an upper cabinet to retrieve their dry food. It had been moved up there after the two troublemakers opened a bottom cabinet and eaten almost the whole bag. Norman rubbed against his legs, purr filling the air.

Their food bowls were filled less than a minute later, both cats now munching down on their dinner. Jimmy felt bad about getting home to them late, but he couldn’t have helped it.

The cats were left to their own devices as Jimmy walked down the small hallway into his bedroom. He threw his sheriff badge on the nightstand with a loud clank , watching it as the metal gleamed in the moonlight streaming in from his window.

Jimmy sat down on his bed with a sigh, removing the blue bandanna he wore around his neck. Blue. He thought over the color, the piece of cloth now resting in his hands. He'd had a blue bandana then as well, in that stone hole. He wondered if his soulmate had had one as well. He wondered if the color had complimented his, if it had been orange. No, orange would look stupid. It would've been red. His soulmate wore a red bandanna, and his was blue.

The Sheriff sighed, deciding to stop thinking about bandannas and soulmates. It was bringing faint memories to the surface, and his already wrecked brain didn’t have the energy to decipher them. His head was beginning to throb with the start of a headache. But just because you wanted to stop thinking didn’t mean your brain would let you, it almost never worked like that.

He fell into a fitful sleep replaying the day's events in his head, which almost sent him into a panic at several points. Norman and Flick were always there though, their presence bringing him much needed comfort. It was hard for Jimmy to stay panicked with a sleeping cat at his side.

He might’ve dreamed of the life he led before, but he couldn't remember. Jimmy’s dreams alway seemed to be important but he never remembered them for more than a few minutes. Dreams were not something to be remembered, and for once Jimmy was glad. He wanted to put everything behind him for a little bit. Everything was going to be fine, it had to be, so he should start acting like it and stop dwelling on silly memories. He was the Sheriff, he had respect to earn and a job to do.

Jimmy stepped out of his house the next morning, tired still. This time it was from lack of sleep and not mental anguish. But he wasn’t dwelling on that anymore, no, he had work to do today. He had a railroad to finish. Yet before he’d even set sight upon his beloved down he’d pulled an old piece of cloth out of a bottom drawer, an item he hadn’t even known he had. A blue bandana was now tied around his neck, covering the collar of his shirt and vest.

As the Sheriff looked at his town, at the empty plots that had not yet been filled, he decided one of them would have a ranch.

[queenburd]

thinking deeply about your fic where Stanley finally meets with Narrator face to face. To begin, I adore your writing and that piece in particular really tears at my soul in the best way (along with their first kiss).

But every time I read something like this where the Narrator is down at Stanley's level, it gets me thinking.

What happens when he needs to go back? DOES he need to go back? Back to being just a voice? The first time he came down into the game, was it hard to leave? Hard to go back to the way he was before? Hard to let go of Stanley?

and what about Stanley? Was it hard to let go of the Narrator now that he finally had him? Was it hard to start back over in his office with just the phantom feeling of a hand on his back or a head on his shoulder?

Ohh I'm probably looking too far into this, as usual. Silly silly me, but I just needed to get that thought out somewhere. Love your work May, keep doing what you're doing<33

-M

oh this is a SWEET ask hello M.

So.... he doesn't NEED to go back! not really. one of the things the Narrator figured out before he finally took it for the final run (surprising Stanley at the Expo!) was making sure he could exit it without needing a reset AND making sure it would stick around between resets. He figured out how to make sure it could be placed where he wants it. And, if he's honest, because he's never had a lot of experiences before, it can be exhausting and overwhelming. so there ARE times that he unloads it.

a lot of this, to me, goes back to what Stanley said in that very first chapter when the Narrator started thinking about it. "Humans need it, but we aren't human, so I don't." tie that in with how Stanley felt when the narrator came down to hug him with his eyes closed. "it's something I've gone without all my life, i didnt know i was missing it, and I CAN survive without it, but I know my life will be all the less rich for it."

they are not human beings. at their base level, they are not touch starved. (the people who write them as such are SO VALID, but these two do not start that way.) they dont NEED to have it to survive.

but they really, REALLY enjoy it. it's one of their favorite things. the Narrator was honestly bummed when that first time came to an end, if you recall. he hugged Stanley from behind and was so sad to lose it, and when he said goodbye he ALMOST said "I'll see you soon", before changing to "I'll talk to you soon."

his body wasnt READY then. it was still missing some details and features. so he had to give it up and put it back in the workshop. but he was very sad about it. but it might not have been able to experience the full range (heat, cold, sharp, pain) and that was ready when he finally finished it. and those are so.... beautifully overwhelming. imagine his first time feeling real physical pain. he definitely needed to unload after that.

Stanley is special to me. I think that, yeah, those times where his Narrator is just a voice, it's a little loss for him, but...

he has spent so long with the fellow being just a voice, and that being the only way for the Narrator to comfort him. to him, on some level, the Narrator's voice HAS a physical feeling. maybe not literally, but he describes it at times like a blanket over his shoulders or a soothing balm. it has a gentle weight to it that he always felt before the Narrator had a body.

so that persists, I think. it may not feel as solid and he may miss the feeling of a hand in his (and tangle his own fingers together to cope) but he always felt like the voice was doing what it could to touch him anyway.

parting can be hard, but it's bearable because they never lose each other, not really. theyre never REALLY separated.

(I should comment, because it feels relevant in how Stanley "feels" the voice and the narrator's behavior and overwhelm re stimuli: I dont know enough about autism to say my guys have it or express symptoms of it. I am self diagnosed with adhd myself, and we dont know if thats all i have, Ive never looked too closely at the Tism to know if I would be on the spectrum. I say this because these guys are definitely not neurotypical, and I feel like that shows, but others might know more than me and can better tell if these experiences are.... like that.

anyway that's a tangent for another day i just keep forgetting to comment abt it so while it's at the forefront of my brain, here it is)

[ssawboness]

just so you know, some of my thoughts on post spyhead blu spy are derived from my own experiences with solitary confinement (i wasnt in prison or anything!! i just had some nasty sped teachers) and the trauma that comes with it, i apologize for not saying so beforehand and you can feel free to ignore this because of that.

anyway, on to the actual thoughts/hcs.

for a while after he gets his body back, spy cant tolerate.. its kinda hard to phrase this, but like, being alone but mainly if the reason hes alone is that hes seperated from other people by a closed door (this ones based off my own experience lol). he tries to always be in a room with someone, and his smoking room lays abandoned for months until he either feels ok being alone in there or trusts someone enough to let them in there.

when he was just a head, spy used to have dreams about getting his body back. so when he finally does, spy struggles with the idea that maybe its not real and hes just dreaming, sometimes even pinching or slapping himself to make sure he feels it.

he also develops a distrust of his own teams medic, refusing to go in his lab, and especially refusing to let medic get anywhere near his neck.

also looking at the insides of fridges, especially if theyre mostly empty, makes spy want to throw up (this one also stems from personal experience, empty rooms make me want to throw up lol)

i am genuinely SO sorry that i didn't reply to this sooner, this has been catching dust in my inbox for god knows how long because i just didn't know how to reply to it

but it's also making me wonder how he'd handle interacting with the rest of the team? like if he holds some kind of resentment against them for not at least trying to rescue him, even though undercover mission impossible type missions are more up his alley. i feel like he'd definitely feel abandoned and betrayed by the people he's supposed to work with, and i can 100% imagine it affecting how he works, too -- either his stats drop low enough to where miss pauling has to run the yearly report a little earlier, or he starts hogging all the kills to both get back at his team for abandoning him and to make up for any lost time.

i love spyhead and i'll definitely be exploring him in future works, i wish valve gave him more screentime.. it's so sad that the meet the team videos have to be a little shorter.

[jkastudio]

Shoshanna studio assistant!!

This is my first time back a at pes after I left a year ago.

This place has always been like weird and beautiful at the same time.

It’s beautiful because of the people who occupy these pieces and it’s also weird because of some people of these places. Well, Rebecca.

P I called PES the gift that keeps on giving and it always show cowl this PES if there’s a funnel that goes through me. It’s amazing how I still get opportunities. Displays like a year after I left.

I didn’t really realize it how big this was going to hit me when I come back in the space after year.

It was kind of emotional honestly because there was a lot of changes in the space and it felt you add for bigger at the same time. Layqa I was lost but at the same time I knew where the places were so there was a lot of changes.

Like I couldn’t really be in the space without thinking about Maryland and Jahi in the internship plus last summer. With us either User or I just look for in Marylin. I remember the times we will be chit chat is Tito playing are tarot cards, jumping around studios. It was such a good time. That was also when I reconnected with Jahi and I love spending time with him but it’s funny because I just had a studio visit him to have recently and I’m just so glad that we also still today friends till todY.

That place has always been good, but it’s also always been hostile. What mood Rebecca is in you don’t know if she’s gonna talk to you that day or she’s gonna hate you that day. It’s always been like anxious Lee driven, and I’ve hated that honestly. So today I didn’t even like look for her. I honestly could have avoided her. They will see her at all because it’s not always pleasant talking to her.

That I really could’ve had like a better experience there if it wasn’t for her bipolar episodes. I honestly even got like a bitter end of the deal. Maryland really went through that shit and I felt so bad about her. The hallways still feel so cold because of her. It’s just sad because that place really could be phenomenal if it wasnt for her attitude problems.

I saw her recently at Gardenship and I wanted to talk to her but she would like literally right away. I’m just leaving such a bad taste in your mouth like it doesn’t have to be that way Layqa Yawar just so annoying.. but I’ll be still like her when she gets his projects L O L.

But anyway, Like this really felt like a homecoming to me. This is really where I started my art adventures especially during the pandemic. This is really help me open the doors with the cups of the art world.

This is my first time dealing with artist is like learning from them heads odd liquid on one, and that has always been such a rewarding experience for me. It is a type of work I really do.

It was so nice to see Jasmine Mans there. She was really happy to see me even though I know she look. He hates me know back-and-forth.

And then I also saw Kwesi for a little bit. I feel so bad because I would be that way but wow like I was so so so so so happy to see him it’s crazy. I haven’t seen him in a year and it felt like it was yesterday we were working together in the studio feels exactly the same. It’s exactly the same and it was just I got so emotional when I saw it because I spent like maybe six months there and it was just so nice he treated me so well too. We had so much fun there.

He was telling me how I can use his studio any time I could come back and times you say showing machine and he even wanted to give me a key to his studio which is insane but I just always appreciate varsity of people and how much people are willing to help you genuinely.

Even Lenny, I saw him there and he help me with my scholarship letter, and he’s always there to help me with any questions, and just so generous

What select the best part about working in the yard so it’s just the people that you meet. Artists are so genuine, loving, caring, kind, and generous it always just amazes me. It’s just always touches my heart because it really is community work full of love generosity and kindness.

It’s just so touching because you will really see that type of exchange anywhere else not incorporate anywhere else but here it’s like little vehicles every day like it’s such a gift to feel that type of connection with people. People you don’t even know like people he just work with, but they would go so far for you and it’s just warms my heart completely.

A lot of people that I meet, would let me use their studio for free (jahi, josh, kwesi, lenny.) They would let me use their materials they would teach me skills they would even give a studio key for me to use like they would give me so much for nothing in return. Even recommendation letters. They are always like use me for reference. So freaking cool.

And the thing is they would always offer. I would never really have to ask.

I think that’s such a beautiful thing I think that’s what life is all about and that’s really what keeps me going in the art world.

The kid believe how lucky I am to have but these wonderful people get so lucky that I have all of you had good experiences with artists I could go around just asking people for the studio visit etc.

A lot of times I don’t understand why people do what they do. How do I decide where they like me so much where they’re giving me so much I think it’s just such a beautiful thing for somebody to literally give me their keys to their studio just like wow it’s so nice to see and with this such a genuine human connection like it I will never take it for granted that goes going to be grateful about these things, so thank you Lord for giving me this experience.

It’s funny because I didn’t realize like I have connected with so many people now in the world that I literally cannot keep track. Like I have updated a lot of people in my life about like my grad school stuff but there’s still like people that are even get to talk to reach out to and then now I’m just like oh my God I gotta talk to them and tell them about all these things.

It’s all good because everyone is just so supportive they’re always so happy to hear from me and see me and if it was like looking out for another and think of me with opportunities pop-up it is just so wonderful

And of course, Shoshanna is amazing that it’s so funny because she would talk so much ass who would end up like just chitchat in the whole day. I know she doesn’t get any work done and it’s so funny to me.

But she’s also look so kind, generous and so nice and I just can’t believe like all the people I work with are just so nice that I am so lucky

What a wonderful homecoming

It feels so good to come back when everything started for me

It’s nice to know that I know everyone is welcoming me back with open arms and they haven’t forgotten about me and they still love and care for me

Newark still has space for me. It’s great because it’s been a year but I just hopped on the trailer then go like I I know how things work I know how things are and everything is still wear it supposed to be here and I just went on my day. It’s crazy feeling because everything is like automatic like I never left. It’s like yesterday I was doing the same routine.

It feels good to be back, I feel like there is still a lot of opportunities for me here and I’m barely scratching the surface. I am worrying if I’m leaving to soon

Moments like these like make me want to stay.

But I know that every time an opportunity and I’m always the heck shag looking for another freelance job to show up in that can be hard sometimes

But yeah, I’m just so happy and I feel so warm that a space can look at me like that. I think it’s just so beautiful.

This is really what I do this for. Even if I don’t like make my own all right, I’m just so happy that my hands are making all right and being a part of something important.

That’s what I think that also really like I like being a part of things I like being a part of creation making, looking important things, things that matters. Having relationship with people and making art.

Even though like you really don’t get paid enough like for me, it’s worth pursuing because it’s just so rewarding and special and human. I think this was human experience with the R4.

[hiddenreflections]

Adam the way I know him now was split far before these sadistic fantasies became the core of his identity, he remembers being weaker, being confused. But this became mostly how how he defines himself. I remember specifically, how the pedo told us some of his sadistic fantasies whilst sitting at the kitchen table with us, and Adam in an panicked way thinking, hes doing this to scare me hes doing this to threaten me - he wants me to be scared hes ever going to do anything like it to me. But then Adam thought, maybe im only going to be a victim if I respond like one. What could I do right now to show him that im not a victim? And then - and this is mostly due to how young we were and our identity itself not being quite formed or stable itself yet - Adam thought, if I tell him I want to hurt others the same way he does, maybe he wont see me as a victim. And in the proccess as he was lying to the pedo, Adam started to tell himself nearly instantly that he was not lying, that he did want to harm and hurt others, that he had always been that way. And because Adam did not have all the memories of regular life that I had, his identity in itself wasnt anchored to being any particular moral way anyways. So there was almost this. It became true as Adam kept telling himself it was.

The weird thing is "I" remember being outside playing with my friend later that day. And even though I had no memories of speaking to the pedo anymore, "I" was now having similar thoughts as Adam prior had, suddenly I had to think about hurting others - and was confused as of why I was having these thoughts, and could not explain *why* or what brought this on. I could not recall speaking to the pedo even if it had occured hours earlier. But I decided that this is not "me" and id never wanna hurt people and that shut down the thoughts as for "my identity" and "what traits belong to me and which belong to the alters." Im writing this out cause this is important to me in undertstanding my DID, there was a certain level of bleed into me even if I couldnt remember Adams experiences or interactions with the pedo, that says a lot of how my individual DID itself works. What connections to other alters remain, what the amnesia instantly shuts off and what "gets through" anyways.

Contrary to Adam self-concept, I will type out what Adam felt when he was in control again, the parts of it Adam wants to dismiss so he can continue to see himself as this very sadistic (which he very much is tbh) person that has never been any other way, and that has no weaknesses or doubts in that regard. He told the pedo he had already been hurting people, had been hurting friends. He felt a sort of urgency to make it come true, because he felt the pedo was extremely good at seeing through him, he ascribed a sort of power to the pedo that the pedo most likely did not posess, but he was convinced that lying to the pedo was only going to work for a short time and if he wanted the pedo to keep believing him about who he was and what he was like, he would have to let his words follow action.

So Adam took over and actually hurt a friend of mine, he switched me out, this is the first time I noticed I have memory gaps myself. Because I never noticed time went missing that went to meeting the pedo, or being abused by our mother and the pedo. But I did notice it when time went missing that always had been -my time-. So, when I couldnt remember having went to school, having went to the kita, having met friends I wanted to meet a certain day. When id wake up days later and was like "wait the day I wanted to meet this friend has already passed, what the fuck happened? whered the days go? Did I ever go meet them? I cant remember."

So Adam did actually end up hurting someone for the first time there. And he mimicked our abuser in doing so. Adam took on a lot of our abusers identity to be someone that our abuser might "respect" or atleast not feel the need to bully into feeling utterly worthless and ashamed of themselves. I wont go into details of it, cause im not happy it happened. but it happened.

And Adam enjoyed it. Adam became more like the pedo, and more of what the pedo could respect by imitating the pedo as much as possible. Any doubts he had, any thoughts of "But im just pretending" "but this is just so I will be abused less" "but this is so I dont look like a victim in the eyes of my abuser" he felt bad about and ignored as much as he could, and therefore solidifed the way his identity now it is more and more.

Adam is as sadistic as he claims, Adam very much enjoys hurting others even if he wouldnt act on it now that he can talk to me and knows of our general broader life, but he does enjoy it. He does have these fantasies.

All im saying is, for Adam to become this way there was a generous amount of denying and splitting off and shaking off parts of who he used to be, so he could become someone that would be victimized less. Hes an aggressor, or used to be. He is entirely filled up by the need to prove he is strong, he is fairly narcissistic, he feels deeply humiliated by the abuse and if anything makes him feel humilated he will respond by wanting to hurt and attack whoever caused the feeling, he copied all of the abusers apparent ideology and view of "what is strong and weak" even if Adam was able to ingrain some of my ideas of what is strong into himself on top of that - Yes. Adam did become what he told himself he is. But it only happened as a defense strategy. Adam is a protector. Adam did this to ensure wed be hurt less. This doesnt make his sadism any less real at this point, but it also shows how malleable we really are as children, I think and how influenceable to develop in all kind of ways we really are at that age.

We become what protects us and what our enviroment encourages and deems as "good" or in the pedos case "superior" and "strong" and Adam enviroment was the pedo for the most part.

Ill also note that Adam when the girl he hurt most when we were children, finally snapped out of it and asserted herself and said "I dont think this is good for either of us. Dont take this the wrong way but I dont wanna be around you anymore" started to try split-off and tried to actively push any "empathetic" thoughts he had to me - cause he felt a relief when she did this. He still as im writing this out tells me hes not mistaken, that this was me bleeding into him, that this was me taking back control and he had no say in those thoughts and feelings. But he was thinking that he was glad that she stood up for herself. He told himself he had gotten out of her what he wanted (mimicking stories the pedo told us about himself regarding victims he had in the past) and that he got everything he wanted from her, and he didnt need to linger and was ready to let go of her. But he did feel acute relief, he was in some sense glad... that he didnt have to hurt her anymore, even if he himself had decided to hurt her to start with. He felt happy shed go on to just.. enjoy her life, basically. He felt warm. Because he was mostly doing it to re-instate that he really was the type of person he felt he should be to successfully mimick the pedo, and thus buy esteem respect and some sort of safety. Id say he did very much feel it was true and authentic that he had gotten everything he wanted from her and was basically done with her, but it was just as true and authentic that he felt relieved he didnt have to hurt her anymore, that he wanted her to move on and not be impacted by what he did. He hoped what he did would not hurt her further than when it happened. He perceived the more empathetic thoughts as weaknesses and ascribed them to me, and then allowed me to front again.

[bubsub69]

Entry 22

10/10/2023 00:20

I dont understand, I finally have someone, why am i not feeling different, I thought I'd at least feel something from having a goddess but it just feels fake, it feels like I'm faking it, like shes faking it why cant I just be happy with it. Im probably overreacting, these things are about trust and after having so so many people asking for money I dont feel like i can trust anyone. When she first started talking to me I answered her questions on autopilot, I didnt care about anything, it was just like i was filling a form, I had other people approach then ask for money on discord hours before she contacted me, how was i suposed to know she was gonna be the one that didnt require them, and thats the thing she said:

So just to be clear between us. I won't be asking you to pay tribute probably because you're in college.but that doesn't mean you shouldn't show your mistress appreciation out if your own free will whenever your mistress deserve to be gifted. Hope we're clear on that. I don't do findom.

So does she expect me to pay at some point? is that her plan? play the long game have me hooked to her so i cant refuse paying her or i risk losing her? I havent received any verification from her either which isnt helping especially since ive sent pictures to her, and she refused a videocall for me to lock myself because I "hadnt earned it", she also found me im assuming from the chaster server but shes never posted there before, fuck writing this is making me distrust her more and more. Shes trying to get to know me she… might be doing it so i get feelings for her and pay up.. GOD DAMN MY FUCKING INSECURITY WHY CANT I JUST TRUST HER. I'd rather be happy now and cry later than be miserable now and cry later anyway if she ordered me to pay.

I dont even know if she enjoys this, she has multiple servants so that doesnt help.. she takes a long time to reply. while she isnt really the degrading type, actually shes been calling me good girl a lot but that just feels hollow.. maybe i should try to ask to be called good boy, that sounds a lot better in my head, but shes into feminization and sissification what if she doesnt agree or stops liking me because of it, i need to talk to her about this were suposed to be honest to each other but im so scared of her losing interest in me i dont know if i should tell her goddamnit im such a piece of shit to her. im not even being honest about her being the only one cause im also kinda doing a chaster session, but that ends when the timer runs out but still im being dishonest with her, the one fucking requirement in a healthy relationship and i cant even give that to her, i was right before i dont deserve to be in a relationship, im not mature enough for it, if i cant even give her honesty, nor can i trust her, nor feel anything when i do submissive tasks. Im such a piece of shit.

School has been troubling as well, the theory classes are so soul crushingly boring, i just delivered my first project that came out like shit cause i was incapable of working on it and procastinated for 90% of the time, this whole year ive been struggling to work or study in anyway while home im gonna be fucked arent i

So much for happy entries.. i wasnt even happy when i wrote it yesterday just mildly hopeful, i hope this changes soon, please let me be happy with her, plese.. let me forget about D as well Im so sick of being stuck thinking about someone that doesnt care about me. I wish i at least lived close to the new goddess so i could at least entertain the ideia of meeting up and cuddling or something, god that would be nice

[slyshyfoxy]

Life so far.

Hello, it has been awhile since my life has started to go on, i started dating jolyn since june 2023 and its going to be our 3 months together soon, anyway i was progressively meeting her everyday in june, then in july i went to United kingdom at glasgow for my school. Unfortunately, i wasnt able to do good in my school subjects cause of my inactivity in school subjects and my projects mate brought me up to the professor, but its okay i feel like i handed it properly and with the help of jayjay and haney i was able to feel better in school, and i was able to bond more with the girls in my school like qinyue,cheryl, putri and sivani, and the other guys i forget his name easily, but i think i realise my energy level went back up to much more as i remained active, walking almost up to 10k steps a day in glasgow, edinburgh and london. Days in glasgow was quite cold and windy, edinburgh was the same but a bit hotter, and london weather is hottest........ LOLOL london weather can be compared to singapore. But colder abit. Anyways, i was able to live with the girls in airbnb and like sort of bonded with them a bit but i still feel there is a barrier between us i dont know why but i couldnt like fully be myself but also sort of am myself there, and i realised i am the type of person who needs alot of alone time and i cant socialise 24/7 now, but i think i am training myself to socialise more and more till im okay with changes and ok to be many people. And afterwards i went to thailand with jolyn, she celebrated my birthday with me, i think i didnt had time to process whatever that had happened previously in my life and when she celebrated with me i wasnt feeling quite anything yet, but i think when i am more free i will be able to feel joy i guess? But i was kinda also feel good that someone actually spend my birthday with me and in a flashy way. Anyways, before both of us went to thailand, jolyn and i went to malaysia to make a ring from sratch it was a interesting concept to do so, and both of carved our names in the ring and exchanged to wear for each other. We are married !!!! Just joking LOL, anyways i hope both of us last longer than we can think it is. And now i finally feel like my life started to progress again, and i will try to live less in my head, and do more actions as always. And marcus gifted me this beautiful white RK gaming keyboard where i am currently using now and i am thankful for him. Oh and i fingered jolyn LLOOOOOL during my birthday .....life........... its my first time giving too.. so i dont know what to say. Ohya, and we missed out flight back to singapore cause of the bangkok traffic but its okay. Anyways, my internship gonna start soon in 28 august, i hope things will be okay for me, and i hope i can do better to push up my grades during work, and maybe at night time during that 8months i will continue to study in insurance papers quickly to get the money. So yap....... time be flying, this year is way better than last year. I hope things will go with the flow and go steadily now. Jiayous jenny. <3 Time to earn the bag during internship and continue to think of ways to earn money. - 26 August 2023. Love, Jenny Tan.

[midnightmisadventures]

Had a dream where bff was dating Zeth....

but like maybe it wasnt zeth but it was. I went over to hangout and meet him and he was amazing, and i wanted to feel jealous but i was happy for bff. 

Bff was explaining that when they started dating she was confused as to literally why he liked her like she was like, he loves being active, running, biking, hiking, and she hates all those things but he was still into her and didnt care. And she was basically saying, hes so hot and nice and cool and out of her league but for some reason he still likes her. 

And i was like bff, youre great don’t worry about ti. But then i met him, and i was like omg he’s amazing. I wanna marry him lol not to be rude but.....i see where shes coming from. 

And he had a big truck, with a bike always attached to it. And he was really nice and gentlemen like to me. He was zeth. We would be riding in the truck and he was like speeding down the highway with the and open the door and stand up while driving like WOOOOOO and i was like omg! like it felt so dangerous but so fun and freeing. I think thats what i was a little jealous of, like he was just so cool and adventerous and i wasnt sure if bff appreciated that. 

Like we almost crashed sometimes and i was so nervous, but he always had control of it. He was so spontaneous lol

We went to dinner? or something and then after we were driving around before we had to drop bff off at dogs to work. And he was riding through his childhood neighborhood and explaining stuff. And then he was like i used to get ice cream right here and then we saw the truck and he did a 180 and tire skid turned around for us to park and get ice cream. 

It was like a ice cream/magic shop. And it was mobile but you could go inside and order and sit. Like a small little room. And we went, and again he was being really sweet and offered to pay for both of us. And he went to the bathroom and bff and i were sitting there and all of a sudden. RON is there with friends, and he can clearly see us, its a small room but its so awkward, and i was like he he its kinda cool being here with zeth like idk he gives off cool vibes. I was also thinking “would this have the same effect if it was Liam hm” but i wasnt sure if ron had already seen liam and he wouldnt be a “new face” 

But i was picturing if Liam and i were on double dates with bff and zeth like that would be fun right? But i tried not to think about it cause it the dream it seemed far fetched that Liam and i would ever actually date. 

Then fucking alpha was there?? it felt like so many people from our past was in this tiny ass ice cream shop and bff and i kept making jokes like wooo its so hot in here, like geesh theres so many peoppleeeee 

Anyways, we paid and left and when we went out it was sooo dark and scary and there was a guy lurking and being creepy and weird. So zeth was like hold on, im gonna go check this guy out. So he grabbed his bike off his car and was trying to lure him away from us but also get a closer look. 

And bff was like “stay here, he’s gonna check if he’s a bad guy” like trying to explain to me what he’s doing like im stupid but also just so she could brag about the fact that he was so protective and strong oooo, he does this all the time for her oooo. And i was like OKAY i get it, your boyfriends perfect, and fun, and protective of women and thats hot. lmao 

But things got out of hand because people started chasing us, and i couldnt find the truck. We all got separated, and suddenly i was running and terrified. But we were on the steepest incline grassy hill. So trying to avoid the creepy guy was exhausting because i was trying to run away from people i thought was bad but it was up and down and up and down the steepest hill. In the darkness, literally gripping the grass to keep from falling when it was completely vertical at times. 

Insane.

We made it out and was safe and everything

Thats pretty much it...,

[mikeysantoss]

ninety days clean now.

havent been writing here cause i’ve been busy. nik and verity convinced me to try out college so now im taking night classes for social work. verity said its a good idea to stay busy and i think she’s right. i’ve stopped being so skeptical of her ideas. 

think i always wanted to do something with my life that’d help people, and social work’s the best way forward. 

apparently rhere’s a bunch of specialisations you can do. i wanna specialise in youth addiction so i can be the person i wish i had around me when i was 18 and getting introduced to drugs. 

wont have much time to write here anyway cause when i aint studying, im working on music. the brain fog’s slowly going away and now i got the urge to write songs again. 

verity’s been getting me into mindfulness and it’s really helping me get in touch with my inner soul and all that other hippy shit. 

im feeling good.

one hundred days clean

can't fuckin believe it's been a hundred days. damn .never thought id get this far but here i am. nik threw me a little party with all my buds from meetings + college. really dont think i wouldve made it this far without him and verity.

guess i better tell you the other big thing.

i have bipolar disorder. verity says i probably inherited ot from you or dad, and considerin 90% of my symptoms line up with ur past behaviour, it dont take a genius to know who i got it from

first i was angry. but i gotta say, more than anger i've just felt relief. im not fuckin crazy after all. a lot of shit in my life started making sense whoich made me feel like i wasnt doomed 2 fail. that there was hope.

verity didn't give me any pills but mentioned there are mood stabilizers. i dont wanna go on em cause im scared i''ll get addicted and have 2 start the whole withdrawals thing again

but she said the option is there 4 me whenever i feel up 2 it. maybe in the future.

i thought about you the day i got my diagnosis. couldnt write here cause i was a goddamn wreck.

did u know you had bipolar disorder? did you have to deal with that shit alone? not knowing whats wrong with you and going your whole life thinkin youre a crazy delusional fuck up is a pretty shitty thing i aint gonna lie. made me wonder if you went through the same shit.

there's a lot i gotta unpack but at least now i know what box to look in.

[lovelifelikeitsyourlastlife]

MAY 27

shit where to i start yesterday i meet up with junior my i wanna say first high school boyfriend that i had. and bruh i got high not super high but still high enough to feel it and we ended up having sex he wasnt playing when he said he was gonna be rough like it was alright we went at it for a good amount till i started bleeding and we stopped. but it was alright he did like over hyped how good and how “big” his dick was, honnestly Alan (joels friend) has been the biggest one of all of 12 guys ive had sex with and even then he still wasnt good enough to have me satified so to my concluion dick size doent play a factor in me being able to finally experiance an organism, so far the only guy so has even gotten me hella close to one was luis and he wasnt even fucking me he was just fingering me, if i wasnt so scared to let lose and really let myself have it im pretty sure i wouldve been able to expenaice an orgams all on my own many times by now with just masterbating, but my fear of not having control of my body is what ruins things for me, maybe thats also why when i get high i havent been able to enjoy it like i see people do in movies or videos because im just now calm or enjoying it, i stay trying to fight it , fighting to gain control. anyways the sex was alright i had better, but i not gonna tell him that. being high help at least not focus much on if i like it or not it acttually help me to just enjoy it, and not over think it, next time when i go back im not gonna smoke to see how the sex really is, with me being aware and conncuisse i might drink just so i dont be all shy and shit cause the weed also help with that it helped me be a little more open, also th fact that junior was actually making converation with me and asking me things. we were both high anyways so being quite really didnt matter cause we would both doze off like its the next day so bacally its been 24 hrs now and im barely feeling normal again so for the high to completely ware off and be out of my system its takes more then 24 hrs, while sully over was telling me how in an hr it was gonna ware off, speacking about sully, her and this whole “wedding” of hers is just unbelivebale my mom says shes once again just trying to make me jealous or something like that but like if that was true it isnt working cause shes not even in love everthing was planned like nothing was a surprice, like those are the best things about getting enganged and getting married shes litterly only geting married because she doesnt wanna be alone, cause shes tired of fucking with dudes that in her words shes tired of being a dumbass and giving assholes a chance but its no ones fault but hers not being easy and having guys not  respect her i stay telling her she needs to stop fucking guys who clealry are only trying to get in her pants marrige shouldnt be a just cause things especially if getting married at a church in front of god, marrgie should be with someone you truly love and see your life with them forever , not just because your tired of “assholes” like its as simple as just staying single and waiting on the right guy to come along who isnt gonna ask for sex right away, like for me once a guy askes for sex right away i dont take them sereious, if i want to ill still have se with them and they could possibale be able to win me over if they want something serious with me but that doesnt mean that ima give in super easy with just the first lovey doevy thing they do but idk its hard to explain my way of thinking.

[toadkisses]

alistairs years in review part three

alistair is continuing his public journaling; the gist is i am writing down a summary of the life events that have gone on in the past two years or so, since i used to lifepost a lot more on here. its been nice reflecting especially since i can see a bend up ahead where my life will change again somehow.

this entry will be about the medical adventures ive been on including misdiagnosed diabetes and hrt stories.

part one about dog grooming school / part two about meeting my wife

this will contain discussion of eating disorders, suicide, and medical stuff! be warned :K oh and me coming out to my family

i dont have a clear "where we left off" point like i did last time! the beginning of this saga is in july or august of 2021. rose and i had been dating for a few months but already called each other our wife. i begin working in a corporate dog grooming salon, and i like it well enough; my manager can be taxing at times but i get along well with my coworkers.

i came out to my parents as trans right before starting the job, and it didnt go as badly as it does for some people but didnt go as well as i dreamed?

it was impulsive. i told my mom i was trans, and i thought things were maybe okay? rose was there, my mom and i cried a lot, and my mom told me i had to be in charge of my dad.

i felt sick to my stomach because coming out was the first thing i could remember doing entirely for myself and my comfort without prioritizing other people. rose and i went and got food so i could collect myself some.

after getting home, i was asked to come talk to both my parents. it felt more standoffish? like i was in trouble? i told my dad and said i would answer any questions they had. and my mom was kind of weird like "thats a big thing to just toss out here" and i was like "well i feel really really really bad making problems like this" and she said that i wasnt making problems but i also didnt get like "you have trusted us with this information we love you"

i actually had an appointment with my shrink the next day and my mom came with, where doctor confirmed gender stuff is something ive been talking about for years and its not just out of nowhere. and i cried a lot about how bad i felt for having to come out and how i was worried about disappointing my parents etc etc

and i think for a little bit it helped, like i was able to be in the same room as my parents without wanting to run but we had a meeting all three of us that i dont remember a lot of besides my dad accidentally saying im not a boy and my therapist exclusively using she and birthname for me. i didnt feel like i had anyone on my side and i remember thinking about trying to find somewhere to crash until i could get an apartment because i was so upset. which i didnt do because it wasnt economically feasible haha. but yeah it went really poorly and i refused to tell them my preferred name because i was so hurt. i actually never told them! they know it from like mail i got but we have not had the conversation.

i actually went back to my shrink a while later and she lead with the amazing blunder of "yeah, when we finished up last time i was worried 'i wonder if shes never coming back'. oh, oops, ali im so sorry" like GIRL you REALLY fumbled this one right out the gate

anyway i did tell my mom i was going to look into getting hrt but besides that we have had very few conversations about Alistair Gender. things are normal, im able to be around them which is good because i live here, they try not to call me overtly feminine things? we still do activities like we did before. it was sweet that apparently they had a conversation about shutting down any possible trans jokes their friends might make when we went to visit them (to clarify NOT jokes at my expense, they dont know and would be very abashed if they did happen to make one at my expense, they were preparing in case the topic came up in abstract and someone cracked a joke, that they would make clear they dont approve of being a jackass about it. end clarification)

a year later uhhhhh coming out is still defined by regret but different than it used to be? like instead of my previous "why did i do this i feel so bad for making a fuss about myself", now i wish i hadnt come out because i was and am happy with the family dynamics we have, and realized that like its not disingenuous for me to be different people for different people? like of course my mom interacts with and experiences and perceives me differently than my brother or my girlfriend does, but the person they all know is still me? and i feel bad because i put my mom in a difficult position because she didnt want to out me by talking to her friends about this big emotional event, so she was left to deal with it on her own. and maybe ill feel differently someday but its how i feel now which i guess is why its good to journal it. in summation i feel like suffering for everyone could have been avoided if i had realized coming out isnt mandatory.

i need to tell them all this still and who knows when that will happen haha. especially since, after taking testosterone for 9 months, i feel like WAY more comfortable in my skin and have no desire to tell any other family members or coworkers about gender stuff, because it doesnt make me uncomfortable to be seen as a woman. ive actually been wondering if 14 year old alistair was right all along and im just a transmasc lesbian? food for thought. not what this post is about.

anyway. BACKGROUND INFORMATION DONE GOD THIS IS GONNA BE SO LONG.

i went to an informed consent clinic and the doctor is super cool, like him a lot. they took bloods from me. my blood glucose was high but i had eaten like right before.

next appointment. i get the prescription for testosterone but they took another non fasting glucose and it was still higher than normal, so they draw blood to check my A1C. i also didnt really uh get taught how to do my injections? because my doctor told a nurse "he needs his flu shot and instructions on how to do his injections", and she uh. just assumed that i could not be the aforementioned "he". so i was checking out and said like "nobody told me how to do injections", the receptionist calls my doctor over like "nobody told her how to do her injections", he tracks down a different nurse who spends 60 seconds with me and tells me to watch a youtube video. it is worth noting that this IS specifically a pride clinic that advertises itself as such? spoiler alert i did wind up filing a formal complaint like "i understand why im getting misgendered, but im worried about how it might impact the wrong patient and it DID impact my quality of care" after i had a prescription issue and they were like "she needs her testosterone filled"

i got my A1C results back and it was a 7, which put me past prediabetes and in the diabetic range. i was leaving on a trip to visit friends in texas in like two days, and the only medical person who could see me to tell me what everything meant was a nurse practitioner.

it was a really dreadful experience ;_; she told me to cut out soda and desserts, watch what i eat, and theyd retest my A1C in three months to see if i was still elevated. and i told her i dont do soda or desserts, and that i was worried about really closely monitoring my food, (specifically checking nutritional labels and calorie counting), because of my history with restrictive eating and purging. and i asked if she had any advice on how to avoid a relapse like that and she honest to god told me "dont look at that part of the label"

i also asked if i should get my thyroid checked because i was already following all the diet rules they recommended, was active at my job, and had no family history of diabetes. BUT I DO HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF THYROID DISORDERS. and she was like "yeah sometimes it just happens. probably dont need to check those"

to add insult to injury the trip to texas was stupendously awful and i am not friends with them anymore!

i had my first testosterone shot on september 20th 2021. it was really cool.

when i got home from our trip, i stopped eating bread, pasta, rice, milk, and anything sweet, since i was told "carbs bad" but not given any guidance beyond that? so i stuck to a diet of like. salad with olive. chicken and beef. cheese sometimes. beans. maybe an apple BUT NOT TOO MUCH FRUIT THATS SUGAR.

i saw an endocrinologist in january, and my A1C had dropped into prediabetic range. she referred me to a dietician since i told her unfortunately she also said i should write down "i hate ice cream" whenever i craved it, which. wasnt great for my eating disorder brain. she also took me off my antidepressants because some of them can cause insulin resistance. this was really unfortunate because come to find out, mine is not one of those.

after three weeks of awful antidepressant withdrawal symptoms, i saw the dietician. and like i feel bad being like "these people didnt help me" because they were all really pleasant but God it was not helpful to be given a mass produced booklet about how to lose weight and fix your bloods, when i was already following a more restrictive diet than they recommended and at a bmi they liked. and i told her going in like "I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, IM WORRIED THIS WILL MAKE ME RELAPSE" and she still gave me the calorie counts. ;_;

the next day at work i think i honestly had a mental breakdown? i still groomed all my dogs but i was openly crying while i was doing it, my coworkers were really worried. i was the most suicidal ive been in years. i didnt see why i should continue to live if i had to work at a very stressful job, get yelled at by customers every day (you know how retail is), not get paid enough to live independently, and track what i ate every day while fighting a relapse. i wasnt even ABLE to take a lunch most days because my manager had the habit of overbooking us.

i narrowly avoided being taken to the ER. my Big Manager was actually really cool about me taking a few days off until i could see my shrink for Emergency Appointment Alistair Is In Crisis. i was at home for a couple days.

then a very close friend attempted suicide and eventually passed. i dont feel comfortable giving more detail than that because he was a fairly private person.

i resigned from my job. i lost 20 pounds because i stopped eating. i stopped seeing my shrink. longtime alistair fans may remember that puberty really fucked up my mental health, so out of desperation, i stopped taking my testosterone in hopes that i might get ANY amount of relief. and it did take me from "lying in bed trying to figure out how to kill myself without destroying my girlfriend and family" to "hoping i get killed in a freak accident". i was also able to start eating a bit more regularly, and i wasnt restricting any specific foods.

three months post-breakdown i was finally able to see a nurse practitioner to see what antidepressant i could take without messing up my sugars. turns out the antidepressant i could take was the one i HAD BEEN ON. so started that back up. nurse was really great, she was interested in having my thyroid checked as well as my A1C. and it turned out my A1C was back in normal range, but my thyroid stuff was abnormal and likely causing the blood sugar issues! fuck me running! and i did confirm with hrt doc that testosterone wouldnt make those abnormal, if anything it would just make t less effective.

still figuring out what to do about thyroid stuff but cool to know we could have maybe avoided a lot of this food suffering if theyd agreed to test my thyroid when i asked.

i dont seriously consider killing myself anymore! which is great! and while i still monitor what im eating and my weight, i DO eat three meals a day again and have stopped losing weight.

ive regressed in a lot of ways though. like im a good driver, i drove 3000 miles to texas and back without incident, ive navigated chicago traffic, i know what im doing. but even driving to the store is paralyzing, i have anxiety attacks trying to drive through town. talking on the phone is hard again. i have a lot of difficulty being around strangers, and being in public drains me very quickly. im always expecting someone to yell at me. the nurse who prescribed me my stuff referred me to a therapist for ptsd, but he kind of told me to go see my old shrink since ive been seeing her since i was like 14 haha.

i did go see her last month and was able to reorient some goals, what i think has been working for me vs not, etc. and i actually feel optimistic that working with her will go well? she wants me to add an anti anxiety med which i am PRAYING will help

onto more positive things. testosterone was really cool. bottom growth happened like within the first few days, which i was pumped about. my voice dropped, its not super deep but its a noticeable change. i really liked the new body hair but a lot of it went away when i had to stop :-(

like its weird the only lasting changes have been voice and bottom growth, but i feel so much more confident and happy body wise (editors note that my eating disorder stuff has always been more linked to control than physical appearance, this isnt a contradiction)

ummmmmmmmm i feel like we're caught up on my major life events. going forward...

get anxiety drug

contact job counseling

biggest stressor these days is needing a job but still being fucked up brain. im looking for help there. lets see if i find it! life goes on forever and ever and ever though. eventually something will happen. hopefully it will be good! it could be bad. but bad things keep happening and i keep living through them to new things. so i guess it has to be okay because it will be given enough time. ta-da!

[sunnyx07]

Hii how are you doing? In case you still accept requests (if you dont than you can just ignore this its ok), I saw that rope with pm boss dazai, so I thought that i could ask something similar too. So there is this scenario where pm mafia dazai is in love with this female executive. He has known her for quite a lot of time now. Since he met her, the day when dazai entered the mafia and back at that time, she was a little bit older than him, maybe 3 years or so. Since then, he had a crush on her but wanted to wait until he became older to confess his feelings, but now hes pretty mature and wants to finally do it. His crush is a very cold and bloodykiller, but at the same time lovley and nurturing towards the ones she loves, including dazai. I hope this wasnt an awkward request, and for any grammar mistake i apolagize, english isnt my first lenguage. Other than that, wish you a great day 💜💜💜

request?: yes Summery: The cold, loyal and bloodykiller of the port mafia, gets swayed by the demon prodigy. Genre: fluff

A/N: Aaaa! this was so fun to write thank you so much for the request! I'm sorry if it took a while, I have been busy trying to juggle my life with me starting my new life and school + work as well. But I hope it satisfies your needs and If I made some spelling errors please let me know cause I did try my best- I promise- Anyways enjoy the fanfic!

The Interest In you started a few years ago, some months later after Dazai had Joined the Port mafia. Dazai was talking towards Mori, planning out future attacks as Mori has allowed him too, as part of his training back then.

That’s when you walked in, your stare cold as ice, as your combat boots could be heard clearly. Paperwork in your hand, as Dazai noticed he fell a little quiet when her gaze connected with his figure. “I’ve filled in the rest of my paperwork, Boss.” Your voice was as sharp as a knife, as you looked straight into the eyes of the boss. “Ah, Wonderfull, Y/n, Meet our newest Member of the mafia, The one who I will be lecturing and training, Dazai Osamu.” You gave a nod out of respect, not knowing what he was capable was, or what he was capable of doing. The boss had chose him for a reason, has he not? “Its very nice to meet you, in a shitty place like this, Dazai.” You really did spark up his interest. From that day forward, he was always surrounding you, His antics make you irritated but also enjoying the company. Since your one of the highest executives next to the boss, a lot of people feared you. But he seemed to pay no mind to your position, instead he seemed rather curious about you.

That really made you fond of him, as he and you were inseparable. The mafia wasn’t anything that works in the light, but dazai made your world a little brighter. So, when he indeed got the same position as you did, you were over the moon, as that meant he would be working more together with you.

But of course, you being you, acted cold on it.

“Y/nnnnnnn” Dazai whined as he entered your office, the suppliers you’ve been talking too basically getting startled by his behaviour and immediately bowed down. You on the other hand, just chuckled while looking at him. “Osamu, congrationlation must be in order for getting the executive position, growing up so fast-“ You teased him, which made him chuckle.

“No need to be so formal Y/n, besides I need someone to help me annoy Chuuya! Come onnnnn, it will be fun! You can just let someone else do your work!” 

You sighed and smiled at the boy, laughing a bit. “Alright alright! I’m coming!” He beamed at your answer, as he grabbed your hand, desperately dragging you away, making the both of you guys smile a little.

Those smiles didn’t last for long though.

As years went on, Dazai got promoted to be the next Port mafia boss, after all He slit Mori’s throat with the same staple Mori used on the previous boss. Only you knew better though, as he had told you he sent Mori off, making him start his own orphanage.

You became someone he trusted into this mafia, and together he and you became the most powerful duo of the mafia, besides Him and Chuuya of course.

And That’s where you stand, years later, standing next to your partner and boss, as he scolds yet another group of workers for not doing their job correctly, they might not even be alive by the end of the day, but you never know with dazai. He sighed when the workers stepped out of the room, nodding at one of the guards at the door, as he heard yelling and screaming when the other guard closed the door. Dazai leaned back on his hair and groaned. “I’m paying idiots to do the jobs.” He whined as you just let out a soft chuckle, walking to the little table with paperwork.

“That’s the job Samu.” You teased, as he just softly glared at you, which made you let out a giggle. He looked over at you, signalling you to come closer to him. In curiosity, you did. “You have a nice laugh Y/n.” He complimented you, as his hand sneaked around your waist, making you slightly blush at the contact.

“I know you knew about my..attraction about me Y/n.” His word were flirty, as he pulled you up on his lap. “And by the look of your pretty face, I think you feel the same way.” He teased, as you just rolled your eyes, a soft chuckle escaping from your lips. “So, My question is..”

“Do you like me now?” 

He was close, way to close.

But you didn’t move away, all you did was slowly close the gap between you and him. Your hands holding his face as his arms were around your waist, pulling you closer as the kiss began to turn into a steamy one.

“Boss we exposed the bodie-“ One of the guards came in, without warning, and before he knew it, there was a dagger inches away from his face. The color of his face turned white as soon as he saw his life flash before his eyes.

“We were in the middle of something.” You stated Coldly, as you saw him gulp, shaking a bit in his legs, showing your true identity towards him. He yelped and quickly shut the door, the dagger still stuck on the door itself.

Dazai looked at you with a soft chuckle, “well then!”

“Where were we~?”

[skylesbian]

im gonna write everything down because i need to remember this entire day forever!!

first of all, i’ve already said this but @louis-in-red is literally the loveliest and kindest person and i LOVED sharing this experience with her 🥺 so thankful i got to meet her! definitely wouldn’t have been the same without her

okay so we got campo delantero (ga) but we got there like 2 hours before doors opened kdhdkd i was a little worried there wouldnt be more merch, but i could buy in uruguay if that was the case. but we got there and they still had peach hoodies so we were queuing and we started hearing screams and people started running so obviously we didn’t question it and started running too ksjshsjs

so we got to the main entrance and there he was...... oli 💀 he was wearing a white shirt and sunglasses and oh my..... he is fit! so hot jshsjs and he walks like louis, at first i couldnt see his face because of a tree and i thought it was louis for a moment and almost died 😭 but that was somehow the only moment that felt real during the entire day, i was like HOLY SHIT THATS OLI

so then we got the merch, took some pics, we met @lou1e and talked to her for a few minutes and she’s so nice and sweet 🥺 it was so lovely meeting her ❤️

after a while we went to get some food and went to the bathroom and we were like just gonna wait everyone gets in, so we just sat to wait and the queue never stopped 😭 so we started walking opposite to the queue to join the end and it continued around the corner like it literally never ended, and at one point we finally got to join the queue. we got in (i went to the bathroom again - for like the 15th time that day.... uruguayan things, you wouldn’t get it 🧉) and the crowd didnt seem that big, so we went to the back in the middle and the stage wasnt that far!

paz carrara was singing and she was LOVELY she was so emotional, she thanked us so many times and said louies were the best, she’s a sweetheart and i love her 🥺

and then the chaos started.... we saw two paramedics take an unconscious person out and after that i lost count of how many people were taken out, or had to leave. people walked out of the crowd wet from head to toe and they were pale and about to faint and throwing up. we helped a few fans, but there were so many during the entire time sunroom was on stage, i couldnt even listen to one song properly. hope they enjoyed anyways 😭 the staff was throwing water on the front (like actually wetting them) and handing plastic glasses of water. and i was getting so anxious, i was scared to have an anxiety attack because watching that happen live a few times was bad, but being there, with sooo many young people getting sick was a bit terrifying ngl. it was too hot and people were pushing too much.

louis started late because they were trying to make the crowd take a step back and when they finally did and louis showed up, everything worked out!!! it was still too hot but people respected the space a little better.

i was so nervous and freaking out a little the minutes before it started, but then we made it started and life stopped being real. like when i say i had an out of the body experience.... i didnt feel like i was there. i think it took me a few songs to be like, okay this is louis, im here, this is happening. and even then it didnt feel as real as when i saw oli KDHDKD i don’t know how to explain it, maybe he’s just so perfect my basic human brain can’t comprehend HE’S FUCKING REAL.

i have so many blanks but the things i DO remember:

we didnt know there was a platform, and between people getting out of the front of the crowd and joining the back, and the few steps back we took, we didn’t seem that close anymore. like we could still see him clearly (when people weren’t raising all their phones at once 🥲) but it was fared away than initially. BUT THEN at one point he starts walking our way, reaches the end of the stage and keeps walking, and KEEPS WALKING, AND HE WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE WTF!!! WE SCREAMED SO MUCH 😭😭😭

i think fearless was the song i enjoyed the most live which isn’t exactly a surprise because i love it, but its SO GOOD LIVE it was amazing. always you was also one of my top songs of the night and the lights during beautiful war were sooooo pretty!!!! really feels like being in the middle of a thousand stars (or more like fifteen thousand stars 😌)

he’s voice????? is so????? fucking flawless??????? i have always loved listening to him during performances/live shows/etc, i always thought he sings even better live. but HOLY SHIT i was not prepared for it to be EVEN BETTER??? he blew my fucking mind. HE’S SO TALENTED!!! HES WORKED SO HARD ON HIS VOCALS AND ITS PAYING OFF AMAZINGLY, HES SO WONDERFUL!!!!

singing his songs back to him was so good 🥺 i was really looking forward to sing YOU WERE MY BECAUSE at him but that moment is also blank 💀 buuut i do remember thinking “oh he got it right” in the first verse KDHDJS

when he went to the barricade during kmm everyone pushed closer and he raised his arm and i saw all his tattoos, and everyone who knows me knows how obsessed i am with that arm so it was a pretty special moment to see them so close 😭

oh before ttd i was like “the pic????” so ttd ended and people were chanting for perfect now (except for me and steph, we were chanting for just hold on skhdks) and steph yelled “the photo!!” and he immediately said lets take a photo, so we choose to ✨believe✨ that he heard her. they are practically besties now 😌

also my throat still hurts so much because we screamed the entire time 😭 kshsks

and the funniest part of the night was that getting back to the hotel, our taxi driver was a bald man in his 50s who was a harrie, but we made him a louie (he said louis has a better voice and sings better 💀) but thats a story for another day 😁