#BLACKOUTS

[theoddsideofme]

[honeyknome]

Letters from Vancouver

[smokefalls]

I remember it was autumn, and I remember feeling plagued by an unbearable need for both intimacy and estrangement, for the queerness of touch.

Justin Torres, Blackouts

[paracosmic-gt]

Our experience of blackouts

Being a dissociative system is living a life where if I stop concentrating for a moment I "wake up" 4 hours later realising the past is a dream and I haven't been there this whole time.

My mind knows what happened, the memories are recorded physically.

But for me, I just...stopped. Then started again. Like falling asleep, you never know the exact point when it happens, and then all of a sudden you're awake again. All these memories are supplied, but to me they are dreamy and foggy. Not really mine but handed to me like a strange gift.

This is regarding autopilot, not switching. When we switch we are actually more aware of time passing than auto, which causes a massive gap. We are consciously engaging, but the autopilot means no one is home.

It is not sentient more than an idle screensaver on a computer. Bouncing around until we move a cursor, and never quite hitting the corner. We are still logged in in some sense, not entirely in the headspace...just in a dark quiet place between.

- J

[elizabethminkel]

I was honored to be a Tournament of Books judge this year, and in the semi-finals, no less! I wound up with two formidable—and, perhaps by chance, thematically similar—books that were super interesting to read side by side. Since this is Tumblr, I will specifically say: if you're interested in queer literature and history and you haven't read Blackouts yet, put it on your list!! In my judgment I said it moved me, which is code for "made me cry repeatedly" (compliment).

[multiplicity-positivity]

Dissociative Amnesia

Our thoughts and experiences, and some resources to learn more.

Hello everyone! We’ve gotten a few asks recently wondering about amnesia in dissociative disorders, so we’ve decided to put this post together. We will cover as much as we can about amnesia, and talk about our experience with it.

What is amnesia?

Amnesia is partial or total memory loss that is more severe than common, every day forgetfulness. People may experience amnesia for a wide variety of reasons, such as experiencing a head or brain injury, being inebriated, having an illness or disease that affects the mind, lack of sleep, and extreme stress/fatigue/brain fog. Amnesia (specifically dissociative amnesia) is a really big part of many dissociative disorders (with the exception being OSDD-1B). In dissociative disorders, alters may experience full amnesia (blackouts) or partial amnesia (greyouts).

What are blackouts?

A blackout is when a person or alter experiences a jump in time, or finds that they cannot recall key events from the past. Their memories may feel fragmented, incomplete, or literally “blacked out.” Coming back from a blackout can be overwhelming, scary, and disorienting.

For us, blackouts look like: seemingly “snapping awake” suddenly with no recollection of what we had been doing. Coming to in odd places, like the grocery store or the park or the library, with no idea how we got there or what led up to that point. Feeling like we are jumping forward in time (it’s Monday today, but I blinked and it’s Thursday now). Large gaps in memory, especially memories from our childhood. Fragments of memories may remain as factual information (EX: “I know we went to the store yesterday, but I don’t remember anything we bought or any of the details”), or there may be no lingering information at all (EX: “I can’t remember what happened yesterday and there’s food I didn’t buy in the fridge”)

What are greyouts?

A greyout is an experience of partial amnesia, and the term covers a broad range of experiences. It may mean that a particular aspect of a memory was forgotten, or that you feel emotionally, physically, or otherwise detached from a memory. The memory may exist, but it feels hazy or incomplete when you try to recall it.

For us, greyouts look like: feeling emotionally or physically detached from memories. Able to recall the past but it seems shaky, foggy, hazy or unclear. Retaining some details in memories but not others. Memories feel like a film, or like something that we heard about in a story, but not something that actually happened to us.

How can I tell the difference?

Telling the difference between blackouts and greyouts can be quite tricky! In general, for our system, if we’re able to recall events with some clarity, there isn’t any amnesia. If we can recall only pieces, or feel like the memory isn’t ours at all, it’s a greyout. If our mind is just blank regarding a certain memory, or we can only recall what others have told us, rather than the events themselves, it’s a blackout.

Can I experience amnesia without knowing it?

Yes, and we actually thought we had a pretty good memory before learning about our dissociative disorder and the amnesia that comes along with it! This is because our mind tends to fill in the gaps that it can’t explain or understand. These pseudomemories, or projections, led us to believe our memory was healthy and normal. We’ve since learned that many of the memories we took for granted were just projections from our brain trying to fill in gaps and help us function to the best of our ability. It’s something we had been oblivious to for decades, but at this point we are very aware of how unstable and unreliable our memory is. It is a part of having a dissociative disorder!

Can dissociative amnesia heal/Can my memory improve if I have amnesia?

We think so, yes! Our therapist has assured us that memory can be repaired and healed with treatment and time. Patience and self-compassion can both aid in this process! We ourselves are trying to heal, and our hope is that as our system becomes more integrated, we will be able to recall more memories and recover details as a result. It is a difficult process though, and one that we are actively pursuing through therapy! Some may be able to heal their dissociative amnesia without therapy, but for us, having outside help and a support team is essential to our healing journey.

Sources/Links to Learn More:

Please feel free to reach out to us if you have any further questions, or to share corrections or concerns! Thank you so much for reading, and have a great day!

(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID.)

[ceevee5]

Truss is just lying left and right to get the job of PM. The constant tell is how she talks about her secondary school education in Leeds, with many students rebutting her weeks ago. You get the sense Truss doesn’t know what’s coming, with regard to energy bills and the scale of the challenge this winter.

[outstanding-quotes]

My mother used to say that spirits are as lost as we are. She believed in accidental ghosts. One might show up at your door, needing assistance in crossing over, yet not knowing themselves what they needed, or how to let go or even ask for help.

Justin Torres, Blackouts

[lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers]

UK Braces for Blackouts, Gas Cuts in January in Emergency Plan - Bloomberg

Things have the potential to get really bad this winter. We need to look after each other and try to find a way to change this fucked up system!

[emmalovesdilemmas]

[jt1674]

[judgingbooksbycovers]

Blackouts: A Novel

By Justin Torres

Design by Na Kim.

[cricketcat9]

Rolling blackouts have started in Ecuador

Due to an unprecedented drought several hydro plants are not working at capacity; Colombia deals with the same issue and stopped energy exports to Ecuador. We should have a blackouts schedule, but for now everyone including Empresa Eléctrica Norte is confused. Part of town is on blackout. Looks like the next two months will be fun 😕

[smokefalls]

In our attachments, whether to objects or others, there exists a continual fluctuation of our energies. We wish to possess, to be possessed, and to be relieved of our possessions all at once. The hoarder solves the problem of value and attachment by holding on. The chronic loser lets it all go.

Justin Torres, Blackouts

[embraceyouropacities]

“I remember it was autumn, and I remember feeling plagued by an unbearable need for both intimacy and estrangement, for the queerness of touch.”

— Justin Torres, “Blackouts”

[convexicalcrow]

Physically, Cub was fine. He wasn't infested with skulk or anything else for that matter. (Wait. You can get infested with skulk? How can you get infested with skulk?) Mostly, he felt… fine? Indeed, they'd decamped from the mansion and gone back to Hermitopia because the priests saw no reason to keep Cub there any longer as he posed no danger to anyone. Well, no more danger than normal, of course.

The problem was Cub still didn't really remember anything beyond moving into Scar's treehouse, and even then, he couldn't tell anyone how long ago that had been. He vaguely accepted that all the skulk he'd helped clean up was his fault, and he was fine with that, but he just didn't remember doing any of that. He didn't even know why he was on another server, apparently. Everything was just gone from his mind.

His dreams had been… dissonant. Voices he couldn't understand, faces he couldn't see, places he didn't recognise. So he just… stopped sleeping. And he was fine. He busied himself with the skulk cleaning and anything else the Hermits might want from him, and got used to dealing with the amnesia. It's not like he hadn't lost periods of time before when the Vex took him, though it didn't seem to have ever been as long as this.

-

It was the stench of skulk that False smelt first, though she easily caught sight of Pixlriffs after that as he seemed to eye her in a dangerous way as she approached the catacombs. She drew her sword, though whether it would help, she didn't know. If skulk infestations were simple enough to cure by murder, Cub wouldn't have needed to go through so many rituals and spells to clear his.

Perhaps coming here at night was unwise, too. It made it harder to see the full extent of the skulk that now spread everywhere around Pix's builds. It was halfway up the side of the statue as well.

"Pix? I-I just want to talk. About the skulk. Is that okay?" False said as she took a couple more steps forward.

"Of course. Come closer, False, we can't speak when we're so far away," Pix said, his voice definitely different enough to send chills down False's spine.

She didn't have time to figure out what had happened before a long skulk vein shot out at her and grabbed her around her torso before dragging her closer to Pix, too close. She could smell the skulk on him, and see how his eyes glowed, possessed by an ancient power.

"Yes, that's better. Don't want to make you shout if you don't need to. I saw the sword. I'm taking precautions," Pix said.

God, his voice sounded awful. That same dark, creepy, half-deluded voice Cub had when he was possessed. False shivered as Pix touched her cheek with a finger, his smile twisted and awful. The veins tightened. False would struggle to escape from this unless she managed to shock him into letting her go.

"Not that a sword will do you any good, of course. We are not so easily killed, as you well know," Pix said.

"I-I mean, I am just good with a sword, that's all, it's just instinct, sorry," False said.

"Lies. You are Vex. I smell it on you. Here to spy on me, hey? Here to administer your poisons? Ha! I think not. You'll stay far away from me if you know what's good for you," Pix said.

Before False could reply, she was flung backwards and up into the air, long enough for her to get over the shock and deploy her wings before she crashed into the ground. The smell of skulk followed her home and she buried herself in the ground near the tower until the fear wore off.

-

"It's not that I don't trust you and your memories, Scar, but you don't always remember things right, that's all I'm saying," Cub said, sitting on top of the Hermitopia tower gazing up at the night sky with Scar.

"I know, I know. I guess I'm just sad you've lost so much this time. You really don't remember anything beyond the basement? You just remember moving in and now this?" Scar said.

Cub thought for a moment. "I remember… Yes. I remember moving in. And building something down there, though all I can see are glowberries and deepslate so I have no idea what I did, just that there's something down there that I built. After that, waking up in the mansion with your face gazing down at me. That's literally it. I don't remember anything else."

"Oh, you've lost so much! Oh no! That skulk ate my best friend! Oh, Cub. I wish I could give all those memories back. We had so much fun together. God, you don't even remember Total Chaos, do you?"

"The name rings a bell, but I dunno, I'm not sure I remember anything specific," Cub said. He shrugged. "It's not like I don't have any other blackouts in my mind, and you do too. I've learned to live with them."

"Yeah, I know, but like, it's so much! It's so much time you've lost! Oh, I think I'm grieving for you, because now all our memories are just mine, and not ones I share with you. Oh, man, Cub. If I knew this skulk thing was gonna eat so much of your brain, I'd have dragged you off to the priests sooner!" Scar said.

Cub lay back, losing himself in the vastness of the stars. "Yeah, maybe. I dunno."

Scar lay down beside him and reached for his hand. "I'm gonna destroy all the skulk on this server for taking so much of you away from me. Oh, if it thinks the Vex were angry before, ohoho, it hasn't met my anger yet. I will burn it all in the pits of hell and desecrate every ancient city until no trace of skulk remains. That is a promise."

-

"Hey, have either of you seen Pix anywhere? I feel like I haven't seen him for days," False said as she found Scar and Cub cleaning up yet more skulk that had appeared around the base of the tower, though at least they were sure this wasn't Cub's fault this time.

"Oh, he was meant to be skulkified, right? And he's gone? Maybe the skulk ate him instead," Scar said, less than helpfully.

"No, I've seen him log in and off, but I haven't seen him. And there's been more skulk around. He's definitely been doing something. He has appeared to be afk a lot though. Maybe he's at that nether farm of his?" Cub said. "Someone told me he had a farm there."

"Oh, it's for froglights, I think. Hmm. Maybe I'll go check there. Do let me know if you see him, though. I did… look, I might have run into him a few days ago and he nearly killed me when I tried to confront him about the skulk so I've stayed away. I think we need to cure him. Then maybe all this will be over," False said.

"Time to mobilise the Vex, hey?" Scar said.

"It might be time, yes. They're still on board, right? With the cures?" False said.

"As far as I know, yes. They're still angry, False. That infestation desecrated a Holy Vessel. This cannot go unpunished and you know it," Scar said.

"Angry enough to cure something from causing more harm to the players here, that says a lot, hey?" Cub mused.

"Oh you don't know the half of it. Do you want us to come help you look for Pixl? He does seem to be online, but I don't know where he is," Scar said.

"Why don't you two check the nether farm and I'll check the capital? If he's not there, we'll have to look further," False said.

"Sure, sounds good to me, right Cub?" Scar said.

"Sure, sure. I'm up for it," Cub said.

"Let me know if you find anything. I'll check back in later," False said. She had turned and flown off before Cub and Scar could reply.

-

Cub and Scar were lost. In the nether proper. They'd gone through the wrong portal somehow and now they were in a warped forest somewhere with no signs of life anywhere around them.

"You know, we really should have just gone back into the portal once we saw it was the wrong one," Cub said. "Maybe ask for coords?"

Scar frowned at the tree in front of him. "I know, I know! Look! I thought I knew where to go from here, but apparently not!" He sighed. "And of course you have no idea where to go either, so I guess we're stuck."

"'Scar and I lost in the nether. Anyone around to help?'" Cub said, as he typed the message into chat. "Didn't want to give away what we were doing in case Pix sees it."

"Ahh yes, of course. Very good. At least that part of your brain still works!" Scar said, unsure he'd have thought of that.

"Oh, Impulse saw it already. Wants to know our coords." Cub checked. "Man, how did we get 3000 blocks away? We are really off course now, aren't we? Man. I'll send them to Impulse and see what he says."

"Look, we took a wrong turn and then we clearly flew around in circles for too long, that's all," Scar said. "I'm sure Impulse will be able to find us. He's good at this kind of thing!"

Cub laughed. "Yeah, yeah, he is. Hang on, he says he's on it. Not sure if he's coming to find us, or has something else in mind, but I guess we just stay here until told otherwise, yeah?"

"I guess so! Oh-oh, no, piggies! The big meanie ones! Run!" Scar said as a hoglin caught sight of them and started charging at them.

"You go, I got this!" Cub said, grabbing some blocks as he pulled out a giant axe he didn't remember getting.

Scar dug himself into the wall while Cub did the fighting. He felt he went into autopilot mode, his instincts kicking in as he towered up a few blocks to get out of the way and swiped at the beast until it was dead.

"It's safe now, Scar, come on out!" Cub said as he jumped off the small tower. "Maybe we should build a small shelter to keep the pigs away."

Scar stuck his head out of the one block hole he'd dug. "Or you can come in here with me! Still safe!"

"Yeah, but how's Impulse gonna find us if we're stuck in a wall?" Cub said as he walked over to join him anyway.

"He's a smart boy, he'll find us!" Scar said cheerfully as he blocked up the entrance and started digging out a slightly bigger space as Cub placed a torch on the wall. "And now we wait!"