#blackout osdd

[paracosmic-gt]

Our experience of blackouts

Being a dissociative system is living a life where if I stop concentrating for a moment I "wake up" 4 hours later realising the past is a dream and I haven't been there this whole time.

My mind knows what happened, the memories are recorded physically.

But for me, I just...stopped. Then started again. Like falling asleep, you never know the exact point when it happens, and then all of a sudden you're awake again. All these memories are supplied, but to me they are dreamy and foggy. Not really mine but handed to me like a strange gift.

This is regarding autopilot, not switching. When we switch we are actually more aware of time passing than auto, which causes a massive gap. We are consciously engaging, but the autopilot means no one is home.

It is not sentient more than an idle screensaver on a computer. Bouncing around until we move a cursor, and never quite hitting the corner. We are still logged in in some sense, not entirely in the headspace...just in a dark quiet place between.

- J

[lokilysolbitch]

y'all know when someone keeps talking about their "quirky" childhood and adult habits but it's just like. textbook examples of a complex dissociative disorder. but you can't just be like "maybe you're a system" bc that could freak them out way too much all at once.

or you'll offhandedly mention a Uniquely System Specific Experience and they go "wait i relate to that lol. it must be from my depression/anxiety/etc" like. uhmmmm. not quite, not quite. time loss and seeing people in your head that grow and change independently of you is not uh,,,,,,,,,i don't think that's anxiety uh,,,,,,,,

[pluralia-tantum]

Having DID is actually so completely wild sometimes because I'll literally go weeks without switching and completely forget I have trauma and forget that I'm dissociating and then I'll get stressed or a certain song will come on and suddenly I'm wearing different clothes and it's two hours later and I'm like "oh right"

[lorelei-system]

I hate getting out of the shower like, “did we wash our hair?” I have no way of knowing. I just hope that whoever fronted for like 2 minutes just continued our shower routine.

-Poppy

[endogeniking-bad-posts]

Autism BPD and DID/OSDD are fr

[multiplicity-positivity]

Dissociative Amnesia

Our thoughts and experiences, and some resources to learn more.

Hello everyone! We’ve gotten a few asks recently wondering about amnesia in dissociative disorders, so we’ve decided to put this post together. We will cover as much as we can about amnesia, and talk about our experience with it.

What is amnesia?

Amnesia is partial or total memory loss that is more severe than common, every day forgetfulness. People may experience amnesia for a wide variety of reasons, such as experiencing a head or brain injury, being inebriated, having an illness or disease that affects the mind, lack of sleep, and extreme stress/fatigue/brain fog. Amnesia (specifically dissociative amnesia) is a really big part of many dissociative disorders (with the exception being OSDD-1B). In dissociative disorders, alters may experience full amnesia (blackouts) or partial amnesia (greyouts).

What are blackouts?

A blackout is when a person or alter experiences a jump in time, or finds that they cannot recall key events from the past. Their memories may feel fragmented, incomplete, or literally “blacked out.” Coming back from a blackout can be overwhelming, scary, and disorienting.

For us, blackouts look like: seemingly “snapping awake” suddenly with no recollection of what we had been doing. Coming to in odd places, like the grocery store or the park or the library, with no idea how we got there or what led up to that point. Feeling like we are jumping forward in time (it’s Monday today, but I blinked and it’s Thursday now). Large gaps in memory, especially memories from our childhood. Fragments of memories may remain as factual information (EX: “I know we went to the store yesterday, but I don’t remember anything we bought or any of the details”), or there may be no lingering information at all (EX: “I can’t remember what happened yesterday and there’s food I didn’t buy in the fridge”)

What are greyouts?

A greyout is an experience of partial amnesia, and the term covers a broad range of experiences. It may mean that a particular aspect of a memory was forgotten, or that you feel emotionally, physically, or otherwise detached from a memory. The memory may exist, but it feels hazy or incomplete when you try to recall it.

For us, greyouts look like: feeling emotionally or physically detached from memories. Able to recall the past but it seems shaky, foggy, hazy or unclear. Retaining some details in memories but not others. Memories feel like a film, or like something that we heard about in a story, but not something that actually happened to us.

How can I tell the difference?

Telling the difference between blackouts and greyouts can be quite tricky! In general, for our system, if we’re able to recall events with some clarity, there isn’t any amnesia. If we can recall only pieces, or feel like the memory isn’t ours at all, it’s a greyout. If our mind is just blank regarding a certain memory, or we can only recall what others have told us, rather than the events themselves, it’s a blackout.

Can I experience amnesia without knowing it?

Yes, and we actually thought we had a pretty good memory before learning about our dissociative disorder and the amnesia that comes along with it! This is because our mind tends to fill in the gaps that it can’t explain or understand. These pseudomemories, or projections, led us to believe our memory was healthy and normal. We’ve since learned that many of the memories we took for granted were just projections from our brain trying to fill in gaps and help us function to the best of our ability. It’s something we had been oblivious to for decades, but at this point we are very aware of how unstable and unreliable our memory is. It is a part of having a dissociative disorder!

Can dissociative amnesia heal/Can my memory improve if I have amnesia?

We think so, yes! Our therapist has assured us that memory can be repaired and healed with treatment and time. Patience and self-compassion can both aid in this process! We ourselves are trying to heal, and our hope is that as our system becomes more integrated, we will be able to recall more memories and recover details as a result. It is a difficult process though, and one that we are actively pursuing through therapy! Some may be able to heal their dissociative amnesia without therapy, but for us, having outside help and a support team is essential to our healing journey.

Sources/Links to Learn More:

Please feel free to reach out to us if you have any further questions, or to share corrections or concerns! Thank you so much for reading, and have a great day!

(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID.)

[littlest-bugz]

We like 2 use simply plural to keep track of switches and shit, but goddamn, no one remembers to use it

I mean same, i always forgor, but CMON PARTY PEOPLE IN THIS MEATSHIP! We gotta work TOGETHER

-R [they/she]

[solarisgod]

After more researching and reflecting, we're coming to terms, positively speaking, that we actually have DID instead of OSDD-1b ( a partial form of DID ) and... wow! This is still a lot to process as it's making me more emotional, but this feels right and better.

[darker-plague]

honestly being a system is so weird because sometimes you're like, no I don't even expiriance blackouts I can't have DID then other times you find yourself in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people and you're so confused.

[flirts-with-dragons]

Me: leaves front due to extreme stress

The guy that gets forceably blackout-switched into front, god knows where doing god knows what:

[the-withering-system]

Someone ate all my damn hazelnut chocolate!! Arghh I'm so annoyed bro.

I'm blaming Maisey, I bet it was her

[cripplerage]

Pretty sure I have DID or OSDD and like. There's seemingly nothing I can do to get communication going or anything so that's really cool

(sort of vent/rambling in the tags)

[cozza-frenzy]

Anyone got any questions?

Fasting for a straight 24 hours due to persistent stomach issues and getting Big Mad at syscourse has got me chasing my tail in a circle, so if anyone's ever wanted to get to know us better, feel free to send asks. I might even do some MS Paint doodles of us to accompany it! - Terry

[thequinoxsystem]

11 is front stuck he keeps clawing at the door like a cat trying to get out of the front room

Poor dude

-blackout

[pluralia-tantum]

Just convinced myself I was definitely misdiagnosed with DID and then read something about non-possession form switches and went 😮

[fqirycollective]

Stop Fakeclaiming: Amnesia Addition

What is fakeclaiming?

I recently realized that we speak about fakeclaiming a lot on our account but we've never defined it. So for those who don't know what fakeclaiming is, it is the act of saying someone is faking a disorder for whatever reason. Whether this be how they look, how they act (this is dependent on the disorder), whether they see symptoms, etc. With systems, it is unfortunately very common. It's often singlets with systems but that doesn't exclude systems fakeclaiming other systems. Either way, it's bad. I would like to publically state we are anti-fakeclaiming without proof.

Now onto the amnesia part

Amnesia varies. It's as simple as that. It varies from system to system and even from time to time in each system. All systems experience amnesia, whether it be blackouts/greyouts or emotional amnesia. Amnesia comes as it's needed. If there's something your brain doesn't feel like you can handle, you probably won't remember it (if you're in a system). It's also important to remember that covert and overt systems often experience amnesia very differently.

For example, we are a mostly covert system in real life. (We try to open up and unmask more online.) Because of this, our brain allows us to remember important passwords, teachers, friends, and the family we see on a daily basis or frequently. This includes our phone password, laptop password, and locker combination. If we didn't remember them, or the people I've previously mentioned, it would open us up to more abuse and trauma because of not remembering. And because of that, we remember. We remember to keep us safe. Not to mention, we typically have vague ideas of what happened unless we're pulled from front because of flashbacks. Amnesia varies due to stress, flashbacks, trauma, etc. On our better days, we have some less vague and more "together" memories that resemble a lot of OSDD-1b amnesia. On the worse days, we experience total blackouts. Othertimes, we'll have amnesia for when we were in front due to whatever reason (we call these memory blocks).

Our point is: Amnesia varies system to system, time to time, and even alter to alter. Just because you need more or less amnesia doesn't mean those alters in that system at that time needs the exact same amnesia. This relates back to the "Hot Takes" post, actually. Systems who have been doing trauma work and working through trauma will be able to break down those dissociative barriers between alters which then leads to breaking down amnesic barriers. This is the actual definition of integration, which is needed for all system recoveries (functional multiplicity included). All systems are in different spots of healing so their amnesia will be different. All systems went through different things and reacted to them differently so their amnesia will be different. The important thing is that amnesia comes from what the system needs, not what other systems need. So it shouldn't be compared or fakeclaimed.