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#Botched Morals
failbaby · 11 months
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Haven’t known exactly how to articulate this but it truly bothers me that the audience is supposed to buy into Ted’s narrative about Jamie’s dad and not Georgie’s.
Like. Ted is missing so much context about Jamie’s upbringing. He genuinely doesn’t know shit. His perception of James is entirely based upon a couple of vague anecdotes from Jamie, two impersonal encounters with the man, and (most of all) projections of his relationship with his own parents + his insecurities about being a bad father (even though neither he nor his parents are anything like James and the situations aren’t remotely comparable). God love him, he absolutely doesn’t get it!!!
Georgie, on the other hand, has personally, intimately known James for decades, and she knows him as a horrible man who does horrible things to her baby (and almost definitely to her as well) time and time again. She knows from actual experience that James is inconsistent and doesn’t keep his word. She knows that he’s a destructive force in Jamie’s life. She knows that he promises to change and then doesn’t. She knows that he’s the type of man to force his way back into their lives, promise to be a better father, bring her little boy on a big exciting father/son bonding trip to Amsterdam, and somehow fuck it up so completely that he refuses to talk about it and is never really the same again.
So she says to Jamie, your father is who he is, he’s never going to change, and it’s okay to give up on him and move on and make peace with life without him.
And apparently, she’s fucking wrong! She’s wrong about him, and he IS going to change! She doesn’t understand the man who abused her for twenty years like Ted does, because she’s a cynic who hasn’t been wised to The Lasso Way! The REAL wisdom is that hurt people hurt people!!!! Get this toerag back into Jamie’s life!!!!!
It just seems like such a disservice to this character and everything she’s been through and her relationship with Jamie for her to be wrong and Ted to be right and Jamie to ignore her and pursue a relationship with his father. Give me a break
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wc fans: we want more morally gray female characters
morally gray female wc character: *says/does things that are fucked up/morally gray*
wc fans: This Character Is So Abusive. How Dare The Erins Try To Make Us Sympathize With This Character. She Has No Redeeming Qualities Whatsoever And I'm Sick Of Seeing People Defend Her. I Hate Warrior Cats
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ambassadorquark · 10 months
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i have such a like perverse interest in Fucked Up Medical Malpractice bc i feel like being trans these days is at least 40% people trying to make you scared of procedures that will literally save your life and 10% the way gender confirmation is lumped in with other elective surgeries at an outrageous price point many trans people (especially those who are otherwise marginalized) can't afford despite, again, being life saving, sometimes forcing trans people to undergo cheaper, worse procedures that are then cherry picked out of a sea of good results as proof that gender reassignment is mutilation. like this makes me so mad that i have to abstract it into some kind of fictional evil doctor horror story or i will just start biting people. this isnt even getting into the fact that you still often have to grovel for cis approval of your gender identity to even qualify for a lot of stuff in some places. truly hateful stuff.
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andthebeanstalk · 5 months
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Posting this here for receipts in case someone decides to steal this killer line of poetry I wrote for a spotify playlist description of all things (and which, together with the title, sounds like the heading of an essay that I would immediately want to read very badly):
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#original#will wood#suburbia overture#playlist#I had to get real creative with the word limit because the third line got cut off on mobile every time#if anyone likes this enough to want to write an image description please do#i need to go to bed.#white culture#christianity cw#actively resisting the urge not to add all the catholic tags bc i KNOW that's a self-harming activity for real#if living in America hasn't made white Christians recognize that they have built their churches on the bones of thskr#*on the bones of their own botched divinity then this post sure won't#and then I'd have a bunch of people in the notes who want to argue but the argument always goes#- 'hey bud what about this huge logical fallacy in your own moral code?' - 'God said so.' - 'cool cool good debate everyone.'#anyway jesus is just a cop who puts all the bad people in the bad person hole - just like real cops.#there's a reason white christianity and white supremacy go hand-in-hand.#nobody's got a shorter memory for atrocities than the white catholic.#do you think we learned about residential schools at catholic school in my 99% white suburban township?#of course not! we didn't even learn about the crusades!! i learned about residential schools on tumblr at like age 27!!!!#fucking. chilling. that it took that long for me to find that out#i really really hate the culture i was raised in#our churches were filled with everything except divinity. - and also ANY people of color#in my 18 years of being forced to attend mass i NEVER saw a Black person in ANY of those buildings.#which is Fucking Weird.#I don't think I ever saw any people of color actually. i absolutely never spoke to anyone non-white before i was 11.#and i didn't have a full conversation with a Black person until i was like 16. we weren't okay.#there is a special kind of sickness to white culture that chokes out the soul of our own kindness. it's rank. it's rancid.#fuck your culture. i will exist in radical queer spaces til i die.#my parents are democrats btw. it wasn't a fundamentalist household. it didn't have to be.#we were told racism is bad but taught it was basically over. which is a great way to produce a shitload of racist white kids.
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scalproie · 8 months
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I have a whole essay about vegeta in me but my phone is at 9% so youre all spared right now
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rivilu · 18 days
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Ooo...
#arueshalae's quest... Delicious#i love it when companion quests not only are amazing in their own right but also allow room for me to expand on the pc... good shit#context-> i been thinking#since elluin died and came back very very wrong via botched wild hunt hunt or something of the sort#(dont ask me details this is all vague hc i only have the wiki to go off of for lore )#just. where would his soul have landed if he had just died normally?#well. he's always been chaotic good. so#he should be at the club meme voice: he should be at elysium#something something the personification of the values Dimalchio abandoned staring him in the face#something about immortality granted through birth along with gifts unfathomable to mortals#versus immortality granted unwillingly. about the things one now considers trivial being what another was eternally barred from#something something envy something something rage#i cant wait to get here on azata path this is going to be JUICY to compare....#ellu and arue are such a good pair to think about friendship wise in general...#trust me im talking about him more but mostly because it's a first run and im still developing him in my mind#but like dude... guy whose morals are the only part of himself he even considers vaguely salvageable#(even though he actually doesnt consider himself good- fun fact)#paired with girl trying desperately to learn and understand morality and undo the damage she did#also the fact that a bunch of the things elluin says to her he mostly says with the intent of putting some responsibility on the corrupted#which she instead interprets as him trying to absolve her of responsibility ..#i juist love them!#love them so much. throwing them in the microwave#(then there's also the azata-blooded assimar-shaped elephant in the room but im going to refrain from talking about him#because we dont have time to unpack aaaall that)#riv finds the path that sure is wrathfully righteous#oc: elluin
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hellonoblesky · 1 year
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Repeating to myself over and over again that there is a multi-year time gap between rebels finale and Ashoka and Filoni movie version of HTTE so the Grysk conflict is probably concluded but by fucking god am I about to go rabid thinking about unresolved plots that have HUGE sway on a character because Thrawn has stuff to do and I love the htte triology but what is he doing there rn
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orfisheus · 1 year
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"Look at my lawyer, dawg, I'm going to jail."
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Based on a wacky conversation I had last night with @thrifty-swiftie and @apocalyptic-beauty where it eventually devolved into me trying to evaluate Tord's crimes in The End and realizing that there would be no way he'd be getting out of jail without some BS'd Pheonix Wright-type defense. Cue this drawing.
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DAY 102, vinyl MIA
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Forced to spin Parsley for morale. A dark day indeed.
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rabbitindisguise · 1 year
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I have to keep reminding myself whenever I'm on tumblr lately that autism is not neurodivergent lite because of the sheer number of posts comparing autism to other neurodivergence on the basis of "being autistic is the easiest thing to be"
So like if you're also autistic going "what is even going on right now, why are people talking about us like we're able bodied neurotypicals who identify as nerdy after it was cool" this is absolutely nonsense and I'm sorry it's happening
#personal#neurodivergence#actually autistic#disability#I have EDS and bipolar and the only thing I sobbed over and lived in denial in for ten years was autism#it's one thing to be dysfunctional it's another to not be seen as a *person* in society#being bipolar did not go down easy at all it was just like okay yeah fine now all this I guess I was wrong about being okay entirely#and there are things that I did (and still do) that were/are bad that I need to hold myself accountable for#autism is like#oh I have to recontextualize every bully every dehumanizing comment and every botched social interaction through the lens of it wasn't#actually my fault#I always knew that getting super depressed and then really all over the place was not a sign of being a bad person no matter what people sa#the idea of suddenly adopting decades of trauma because things I thought were personal failings were actually morally neutral things was!!#there are no words#and the idea that I'm not a bad person for being depressed is baked into standard CBT guys#there's no standard therapy that believes being autistic is a good thing#you need to get that off the black market via places like tumblr because it's risky as hell to even get diagnosed nevermind everything else#I was so damn lucky to know autistics that love themselves growing up#that was unheard of in 2011#it was WEIRD#it was bizarre#it was like romanticizing self harm and doing hard drugs in school bathrooms#and all the time now I'm like am I crazy? do I even remember what being in special ed was like in actuality?#no I do. it was bad.#ableism#allism
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randomgooberness · 1 year
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Cringe culture is dead and yall can do what you want and ignore this but genuinely i feel like undertale aus of sans always completely miss the point of the original game and botch him in Some way no matter what. I literally keep seeing a version of sans where the only difference is he has a mental disorder 😐
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mothocean · 10 months
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SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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thetravelersoul · 1 year
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not the cleaning lady season 2’s finale being simultaneously the worst thing i’ve ever witnessed while also the best because it made the impossible happen since i’m now a full on nadia stan and wish her nothing but the best? i don’t even think it was intentional but she sort of just became the main event as the season went on? make her the protagonist next season, i don’t care. like the way this show’s writing has shifted gears needs to be studied for real but garrett died though so i cheered. still i can’t forgive the writers for fumbling the bag and waisting naveen andrews’ time like that. tcl writers forgot this man was in multiple emmy winning shows and really gave him the goofiest part.
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pr0wlerpunk · 11 months
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Would they love you as a worm?
And how would they react?
(Platonic!)
Gn!reader
Some of these are short and I’m sorry for that, wrote this at 1:am and I didn’t rlly feel like adding or fixing anything ☹️
Warnings: Slight atsv spoilers!!!, really bad British slang(someone please help), idk if the terms I used for hobie are actual British slang or not….nor do I know how to spell them if they are☹️
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Earth-1610!Miles Morales- Definitely(but he Misses human you)
🕷️miles would ABSOLUTELY love you as a worm.
🕷️somehow someway you turn into a worm and miles is so protective.
🕷️I’m talkin’ like dude would keep you so safe, with a little terrarium filled with fresh soil and plants.
🕷️feel like he would also spend nights talkin’ to you and just spilling his problems out.
🕷️one time he got scared that his mom threw you out but she had just moved you…yea he almost had a heart attack
——
“Mom, where’s my little jar I had on my window?”
“Oh uhm….I honestly don’t remember where I put it..”
“…”
“Miles?”
And he’s already gone to look for you around the house.
It took him a hour but he finally found you…in a cabinet.
That night he spent singing sunflower to you
——
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Earth-42!Miles Morales- Kinda(he had to think about it)
⛓️ miles would have to warm up to you.
⛓️like 1610 miles, you somehow turn into a worm.
⛓️at first he thinks it’s a joke…but as time moves on he realizes you’re a worm.
⛓️he definitely would keep you safe though.
⛓️like he would keep you fed and made sure you didn’t dry out.
⛓️but like he doesn’t do the whole talk thing.
⛓️the only time he talks to you is when he’s checking on you(like twice a day)
⛓️he definitely hides you from his uncle.
⛓️he’s not ashamed he just doesn’t want to explain how you became a worm because even he doesn’t know.
⛓️though if Aaron ever found out I think he would just stare at miles and walk away.
——
“Yo miles, cmon man we gotta do a ru-”
“…” “…”
“Miles why is there a worm on your desk?…”
“I know it looks weird!!, but somehow [___] got turned into a worm..”
“…”
“Yea… we not doin’ no run today…you can just stay here with uhm…yo worm”
“Yo! Unc, it ain’t Like that!!”
But Aaron’s already out the door
And miles is left as heat flushes his now embarrassing face
——
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Hobie Brown- Doesn’t care(but yes)
🎸hobie doesnt care, Like literally it’s your life.
🎸but, he is one of them that would carry you in his pocket.
🎸like dude has a full on pocket full of damp soil just for you.(that’s how he keeps you safe)
🎸he doesn’t know how you got turned into a worm, but like I said earlier he honestly doesn’t care.
🎸if you wanna be a worm…he ain’t gonna stop you.
🎸like 1610!miles, he definitely would talk to you.
🎸like full on conversations though.
🎸like he’s asking you questions and everyone’s just staring thinking he’s finally lost his marbles.
——
“So I was tellin’ bloke-”
“Ay hobie, who’re you talking to?”
“Bruva, you’re tellin’ me you don’t see [___] right er’???”
“…no?”
“That’s botched huh luv?!”
Yea they never came back…
——
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Gwen Stacy- Not at first(but she does)
🎵she actually thinks you look stupid at first.
🎵she blames however you got like this on you or miles.
🎵she definitely thought you were ugly.
🎵but then she gets to care for you and ends up loving you.
🎵not the best at protecting you but please don’t be hard on her.
🎵she gets mad when someone tries to mess with you.
🎵like it’s kinda scary.
🎵I’m talkin’ bout full on glare, eyebrows furrowed, right nostril flared and lip curved up slightly.
🎵one day she caught a spider person tapping your glass and she got pissed.
——
“Ay!, why’re tapping the glass?”
“Oh, uhm.!”
“Move. This isn’t a zoo”
“Right! S-sorry!”
“…”
“You ok [___]?”
All in all everyone knew not to mess with Gwen and her worm friend.
——
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Jessica Drew- Yes(shes basically your mom now)
🤰🏾she absolutely loves you.
🤰🏾plus she thought it’d be easy practice for when she pops her baby.
🤰🏾is the type to tell someone she has a kid and then show them you
🤰🏾she’s definitely always checking on you.
🤰🏾protects you like a mom should.(kinda)
🤰🏾she cried when she lost you.
🤰🏾one day she set you down to grab a drink and when she came back you were gone.
——
“I’ll be right back [___], don’t move!”
5 minutes later…
“[___]?….[___]!??”
“E-excuse me, but has anyone seen [___]??”
“Uh, who?”
“Their a worm, and they were right here!”
She ended up finding you with Peter B and mayday
She realized this was harder than she originally thought…
——
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Miguel- No(He Acts Like he hates you, but secretly would do anything for you)
🕸️dude definitely almost stepped on you once or twice.
🕸️Bros the Type of Person to yell at you After he almost stepped on you.
🕸️but like once he warms up to you he’s definitely carrying you everywhere.
🕸️Like Bro wouldn’t trust you😭.
🕸️or for that matter anyone.
🕸️Like one time, he let Peter B watch You And when he came back mayday was about to eat you.
——
“I got it dude”
“Are You sure You can Watch [___]?”
“Yes now go..literally you’re ruining the mood right now”
10 Minutes later…
“I’m back-”
“PETER!?”
“What!, What!?”
“Your child almost ate [___]…”
“…”
“I’m sorry?”
“…Hijo de puta…”
“Yea i deserve that…”
——
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Pav- Yes(He wants to keep you forever..)
🪀Bro thinks you’re the cutest thing hes ever Seen
🪀he definitely calls you his little wormy
🪀he would keep you safe in a while mini House
🪀Like Bro made it And Everything
🪀he doesn’t want you to Turm Back Human
🪀Like…Ever 💀
🪀he definitely Rants to you about EVERYTHING
🪀he told you how miles called Chai, “chai tea”
——
“So im sitting there right And he just Says….Chai tea…”
“LIKE CMON MAN”
“PAV WHO ARE YOU TALKIN TO??!”
“NO ONE MAMA!”
His mom thinks he has an imaginary friend now….
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Tags: @alisblackgf
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pascva · 8 months
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the moral outrage over mdzs is so funny to me like they're MARRIED with a SON they've been obsessed with each other since they were 15 tidally locked in the longest most psychosexual game of chase ever played coupled with 1000000 pages of botched hurt/comfort then freak4freak foreplay then consensual albeit under-negotiated kink between husbands who trust each other implicitly. they are so fucking devoted and in love i don’t get it
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adoregojo · 16 days
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★- haunted by the trails of you.
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a/n: here's some more angst i had in drafts and now I'm setting it free. wanted more pain but this what yall are getting for now d: (potentially getting a part two)
summary: their first anniversary without you, and you'd still be haunting them. !! gn reader!! characters: isagi, reo, rin. warnings: men. hurt/barely an comfort, the word 'vomit', blood mentions in rin's part, appear of other characters. perhaps heavy angst?
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isagi: it was at his own home. for what he can fathom, isagi isn't considered as someone who's hooked on the past. at least that's what he pinned his head to. what had chronicles should've been a lesson, something that'll help him move forward, a memory that'll get him through to his feet again.
once the past had been written, there was no undoing. only exceptions and take the moral out of it.
sometimes isagi wished he had tugged on that enough as much as he tugged his heart to yours.
he was about to send himself a clout. has he learned nothing? why can't he draw a clear line without the ghost of you obsessing in every corner of his life? so instead, he botches his hair to untidy navy-blue locks flying out of place, mumbling cusses to none other than himself.
He bet he looked like a madman, uttering loathes undertone within every step upon a stair he took. He swore he spotted a middle aged lady covering her son's ears in horror. maybe he wasn't muttering as low as he thought.
it was saturday, in which isagi takes a day off to greet his parents from time to time. and he wasn't gonna cancel that over some feelings he might've got the wrong end of the stick about, it was probably just lingering lust and affection he had for you, but I'll past. clinging to the mere possibility and ignoring the ache that remains for too long than intended.
swirling the keys with his bare hands, isagi can view the frigid smoke of his breath appearing with every puff he let out. the tips of his fingers and knuckles were embarrassing standing out an angry shade of red, he forgot his gloves, again ,recalling: yoichi never really had to bat an eye when it comes to gloves. he'll even do it on purpose since you wouldn't think twice before launching yours to his frosty hands, while interlocking your hands with the other one.
now that he mentioned it, he always recollect how futile of an attempt it was. because the back of his hand will always remain polar, but at that time, it didn't carried a feather. he didn't really mind freezing to death if it meant I'll be in your arms. then he'll die any day.
isagi remains stationary, until his forehead rests the irony of his house door. he didn't know if he was deeply disappointed in himself, or just drowned by the sweet bygone days. gabbling something about how an idiot he was before taking a deep lungful of air and finally opening the door.
flinging his shoes to gods knows where, at this state even his mother's berating wouldn't budge a bone in him, yeah, this is how bad it was.
to his astonishment, there were no trails of his parents. isagi called, shouting once, twice. and gave up on the third time. he jogs around to the kitchen era, like expected: a dangling note covering some plate, informing him that they went out and they'll be back before dinner. 
isagi just let out a defeated sigh, an obvious pessimistic wave looming over him. he was genuinely hoping to spend a family-time right away, and something to divert him away from the wraith of you.
a part of him wondered, what answer could he hand his parents, breaking the fact that you two were no longer together. his parents always loved you, adored you even. they'd definitely be shattered, he'll just muddle it by saying that you two drew apart till an ultimate downfall drilled up a hole in your relationship, leading to a break up. they’ll buy it, right?
blindly, isagi carried out the plat, slamming it flatly against the wooden table of the living room. making himself comfortable on the couch that held on the glimpse of his childhood, it was a pleasant to be at home again, and one of a great distraction.
he needed it.. anything to sway him away from the remainder of what name of this day earned..
from the corner of his eye, he spotted a second note. scoffing at himself isagi gets a grasp on it, living on the thought it might've been his parents requesting him to do chores, or just asking him to take extra care of himself. 
isagi consulted it, even when a part of him begged him not to.
‘dear, yocchan. we really hope you'll be the one to read this, but if not! hello yoichi’s partner, that's quite embarrassing if you're reading this hahaha. but anyway, we figured that today is your two anniversary, isn't that just great? We remember just yesterday they were being introduced to us for the first time. What a good time to be alive, but anyway. There's some surprise cake for the two of you to share! Happy anniversary, you lovebirds.- your mother (in law).”
‘don't get too carried away please! - your father (in law).”
isagi flouts, bitterly. so sorely that all the rock-hard grip of his hand went straight to poor paper, ripping it apart to fall into small chunks. the stomach-bug swirl, not the one with the butterflies plopping in the depths of his stomach, swarming with to define a new level of bliss. but a disgusting ache of venom mobbing, making him want to vomit in an instant. 
if it wasn't for his neighbors, isagi would've outcry his lungs out of frustration. but he wasn't on the field, where his anger planted. Now it's just a sad smile etching on his features. 
and maybe a drip of a few tears..
how long were you planning on haunting him for..
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reo: he had to delete it.. for the longest period, reo had never been so glued on what he busted by his own hands, words and ego. he had no one to blame but himself, and yet no amount of strength that earth granted him, no matter how the sky have bore in tears gleaming the ground, a pool of agony cries pleading for him to do it.
all that and he’d still struggle to press the delete button. He just couldn't.
“man, just delete it already.” chigiri cried out, slamming his palms against the skin of his forehead. He was tired. and he wasn't even getting paid to deal with this shit.
“it's easier for you to say it, you don't get it.” reo sassed back, trudging inches away from the redhead who's eyes twitched in disbelief. 
nagi and chigiri一well, mostly chigiri, have been summoned by a cry for help from their shared friend. just for the end of the world to be him trying to delete the pictures and videos of you and him, his ex that lived in his head rent free. 
it was a wretched sight to see, his eyes were tearing up while scrolling through your memories together. chigiri一god’s greatest soldier, was really, really doing everything he can to encourage reo back on his feet. It was like helping a spineless creature to straighten up. 
it's quite impressive, he can use all his abilities on soccer pitches, give his best assists, be the heart, the mind and the soul of the field. Yet behind the plate was a completely different person, a hopeless guy curled up in a ball of your blanket that carried most of your left cologne, and sobbing till the sunrise. and today was a special show, he was absolutely shattered because your scent was slowly vanishing. 
all chigiri can do is pinch the bridge of his nose in foiling, “listen, how about we go out or something? there's a nearby place we can get lunch and-”
“they used to love that restaurant¦” reo whines, shoving his phone into the redhead face, it carried a picture of you smiling blissfully and unaware, cheeks rife with food. “they're.. cute, so cute it makes me want to die.” falling backwards on the silky duvet of the queen-sized bed. 
“Please don't, I still need my monthly allowance on genshin.” the one time nagi decided to finally say something, it had to be this. and chigiri never wanted to zip up someone's mouth so badly.
“you keep on stabbing yourself in the throat, you dumbass. if you can't do it then I'll do it for you.” stretching out his arm, opening up his palms for reo to hand over the phone and get this over with already.
in an instant, the phone was being embraced tightly to his chest, “no! I can do it myself, I just need some time," Chigiri just raised his hands in surrender, mumbling a quick ‘whatever’ as he jumped out the bed, leaving the extra space for his friend to grieve, alone.
it was a miracle that his tears still remain un-parched. Every photo he scroll through, the lump in his throat narrows painfully. clinching his lips upwards every time he crossed over while you were smiling, it hurts so good. He doesn't recognize whatever the knot in his stomach was reducing in sorrow or ecstatic.
he wasn't trashing any of those, he couldn't find it in his heart too. instead of criticizing himself of what he should've said to make you stay, what could've he done to swoon your heart instead of fleeting it. you'll keep on tip-toeing around his heartstrings and he'll let you without a charge.
he squeaked in his pillow, he just kept on bruising himself, torturing himself by the dim memory of what the two of you had once. something that not even money could regain or even soothe on. he yearned for one more kiss, one more embrace, one more chance to get a glimpse of you and he'll die a happy man, that's a lie, he'll misses you even after death.
he wished for you to come and haunt him, eat him to bits. but it was like he was the one haunting the crumbs of you.
on the middle of his groaning mess, an amber eyes staring sharply at him, his figure casting a shadow over his state. “here, drink up.” nonchalant, he handed him a random juice he ‘eeny, meeny’ his way to. reo accepted the drink, his arm sluggishly taking it. chigiri swore he was about to crack the glass over his head if he wouldn't stop this pitiful little act of his.
“why are you even this hardcore sad? you were never like this in the last weeks.”
“it's their anniversary, but not anymore I guess.” nagi shrugged, still too focused on the screen of his phone to pay the slightest amount of attention. turning a blind eye when reo flinches a bit at his truthful words 
“have anyone told you you're a terrible human being?” 
one sip, a second one. and his lilac eyes were watering for a million time. “they used to love this drink.” he whispered.
“i genuinely hope you choke on it.” 
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rin: it got so bad, he talked to sae about it.. running a few years backwards, if you told the sixteen years old itoshi rin he'd be seeking his own deadbeat of a brother to vent he'd spit out in your face with no second thought.
and if he could, he would've. because rin was rethinking his life choices, taking a step back every second yet taking two ahead then comprehending once again. and now there was no going back, what was between him and the urgent fate was a wooden door. 
his hands buried deep in his pockets instead of making an attempt to knock. he found gazing at his pair of shoes much more entertaining. 
he didn't have it in his head to think straight, not when you clouded over like an angry storm, all he can do is take it and let your teardrop roll down his face, or maybe they were his own tears, he couldn't savvy it. 
after a deep lungful of air, rin thrust his forward, just an inch away, only to stop briskly. sae? really? just how desperate is he? very. he come to cuss himself for counting you as the one and only person he apostrophizes with. if only he’d listen when you would rant about him approving his social skills, he should've listened instead plugging his ears. He wished he listened to a lot of things you said..
in a rush, the door unlocked in a swift. almost making him funk backwards, unraveling the sight of his older brother, standing unimpressed. and before rin could speak a word, sae took the lead. 
“you know I could see your shadow casting under my doorstep, right?” 
Rin clicks his tongue in annoyance, and when he doesn't reply, the reddish head moves to the side, and rin steers his way in. shutting the door behind him, sae jog away, letting him take off his shoes. not even a proper welcome, he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up.
the apartment was quite tidy, a strong aroma loomed underneath his nose. Despite that, it was awkwardly dull, not even ghosts would bother haunting it. rin takes a seat in a solo couch, fumbling his fingers in a bothersome way, the silence was a deadline, not anything he wasn't used to.
It was just the first time rin had come here, by himself. without an actual family required to stick to the back. 
or without you.
unintentionally, Rin's leg keeps thrusting. a bad habit of his when the tension gets thick. every passing second he berates himself even further, damn him for having only one path to seek solace in, for allowing only one soul to soothe over his frail heart, for authorizing only one embrace to delay him.
and damn you for carving open his heart. just to leave him to bleed.
the echoing steps of sae cut his strails of thoughts. settling down his cup of hot tea. rin raised a brow at the uncivil manner. “you didn't ask for one.” his brother shrugs calmly, oh he was driving him nuts with this unchanged attitude. 
breathe in, rin.
reverberating voice called, so he obeys. straighten his pouster. “I wanted to talk to you about something. it's important.” 
“I can tell. and your sidekick is nowhere to be found, did they finally ditch you?”
his hands clutching up in a makeshift ball, rin says nothing.
“oh, so they did?” sae blows a few times over the overheated cup, taking a sip then uttering something under his breath. “Well, that's unfortunate.” adding another cube of sugar as he retorted. 
rin only got something out of this, that his brother didn't give a single fuck. and it drove him to the edge.
“You can at least pretend that you care.”
“never said I didn't.”
“you didn't have to, it's fucking showing.” rin seethed, his clenched hand striking the table balance, making the sugar cubes fall out of place. his anger was collapsing even the sweetest floras.
that doesn't nuge sae the slightest, but makes him frowns his brows a bit, because he was the one who had to sweep that off later.
the tension was solid and bulky, and Rin refused to break eye contact with the equal hues. Daring him to say something, anything. Yet he took it as a challenge, like he always does. The only way he communicates with sae is by beating him, proving himself. He'll die on that hill, even if it killed him itself. even if it has killed you already.
he knew this was a stupid idea, he should've just rotted in bed, he should've kept on living in the repeated circle of misery. He should've just lived up with every rush of breeze rustling his mistakes over and over, where he could've sworn that it was your voice.
breath, rin.
he was fucking trying. 
“So what do you want me to do about it? be your wingman and pair you together again?” 
“or, you could just say nothing. listening is enough.”
after a moment of silence, sae shoulders ease up. a guster pointed for him to keep going. so rin dose, he rants and rants like he had the time of the world right in his palms. It was mostly about you, how you were something that became his everything, how he should've stopped you like he wanted to, how he let you be driven away like he always does, how he should've apologized like he was supposed to. 
blustring about ‘what the if’s’ and what would've happened if he just.. he loved you like you loved him.. if only he tried. he can't blame it on his immense ego, his lack of communication, the digged hole on his soul that you bleeded to fill, you gave all your flesh till there was nothing left but bones.
he could've rebuilt the broken pieces of your heart, but they were too sharp to hold. He bled within every one, he was bleeding to ashes, to nothingness. 
you loved till there was nothing left to love about you. you drained down the hill. not even his blood could fulfill you.
his voice would crack, a dust cloud blows over his eyes, yet sae would stare at him ever so flatly. if he even dares to say disappointment. disappointed that his younger brother was just a copy past of him. 
someone that kills everything he touches.
When rin has nothing left to say, sae stands up. reaching his pocket for a card that carries a name and a number. as the dark-head flipped the card between his fingers, blood-thirst eyes narrowed at him.
“a fucking therapist? are you fucking kidding me?"
“you clearly need one.”
“I don't, is this some kind of lukewarm joke?”
“stop being corny, I'm trying to help you here. if you aren't willing to let yourself feel the sense of loss, you can suit yourself out.”
and with that, sae turns his back to him. like he always does. climbing the stairs to his bedroom, leaving rin to reconsider where his actions have driven him, how beyond it threw it all. 
although, he’ll never let himself feel the sense of loss. never. He'd rather be haunted by you than be alone forever, he'll be a stray till you pick him up again.
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lmao wrote this with nagi plushie watching me like a hawk
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