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chapter nine — crossing the line

➝ that night, cassie was only sure of one thing: she needed toto.

➝ word count: 4,7k

➝ warnings: smut

The glass in her hand was empty again. Looking at the bottle of wine on the coffee table, Cassie let out a long, frustrated sigh. She knew would regret drinking so much the next day, but, right now, considering the feelings that were consuming her, a second glass of wine seemed like a minor concern.

The rational side of her knew there was more to her life than having children, but all of her other goals and desires seemed secondary. She leaned forward, filled her glass, and took a generous gulp. She could hear her father's voice in her head again, cold and snide.

“You are completely useless”, he said. “You’re unable to fulfill even the most basic of your roles as a woman”.

— Fucking hell, Cassandra — she muttered to herself. She tilted her head back, trying to keep tears from running down her face again. She had cried enough the past few days. She was tired of it.

After a few seconds of deep breathing, Cassie looked back at the television, where Sophia, Britt Robertson's character, was trying on some clothes from a thrift store. Girlboss hadn't been her first choice of entertainment for a night of wine and contemplation about her life's failures, but the only other thing she found interesting in Netflix at that time, a Spanish series about a bank robbery, had her crying again less than fifteen minutes into the episode by showing a blonde woman finding out she was pregnant.

Surely, the universe was mocking her.

Taking another sip of wine, she watched as Sophia found a colorful coat when she heard the doorbell to her flat ring. Cassie picked up the remote and paused the episode before getting up from the couch and walking over to the apartment door, pressing the button that unlocked the building’s exterior door. A short time later, there was a knock at her door. When she opened it, she found Toto standing at her doorstep. He was wearing a white shirt and dress slacks. He looked like he had probably just returned from the factory.

— What are you doing here? — Cassie asked, quietly. She couldn’t bear to look at him.

— I came to see if you were still alive — he replied, as his eyes traveled to the half-empty wine glass in her hand — Are you drinking?

Cassie looked at the glass.

— Yes.

— You shouldn't be drinking, Cassandra.

— Why not? — she said, taking another sip of wine — It’s not like I’m pregnant or anything.

His eyes briefly widened in shock, but then his expression immediately softened, as if he wasn’t expecting the news.

— You’re not?

— No — she replied, looking into his eyes, offering him a pained smile — It didn’t take.

Toto stared at her for a few seconds, his eyes filling with sadness, and his jaw clenching in frustration. Seeing him like that made Cassie's heart shatter. She had let him down. She had made him sad.

She was a monster.

Cassie turned and walked slowly back into the living room, in complete silence. She didn’t invite Toto to come inside, but it was implied — she heard the sound of the door closing and footsteps following behind her.

— Why didn't you tell me?

She set her glass down on the coffee table and sighed as she sat down on the couch, trying to quell the raging tempest of emotions inside of her — frustration, anger, guilt, and sadness.

— Cassie, I've sent you countless messages — Toto said, trying to temper the irritation in his voice — I called you… I don't know how many times. I left probably a dozen messages on your voicemail. I asked Victoria to check if you were going to work. I kept stopping by the marketing area at the factory, because it seemed like you had just disappeared!

Cassie certainly hadn’t handled the situation in the healthiest way, but finding out that the whole process — all the pain, all the injections, exams, and the amount of time she’d invested in trying to get pregnant had amounted to nothing made her withdraw inside herself. However, Cassie had forgotten to consider that she wasn’t on this journey alone. Toto had gone headlong into the idea and was as invested in it as she was.

— I didn’t want to distract you while you were at the races — Cassie said, her voice thin.

She heard Toto approach her, not looking up at him as he stood in front of where she was sitting, leaning down to place his hands on her shoulders. She looked into his eyes, fighting the urge she had to turn away from him.

— Cassie, you will never be a distraction to me — Toto said, his voice soft.

— But…

— I will always be there for you…

— Toto — she tried to say.

— Always, especially with regards to our child.

— There is no child, Toto! — Cassie snapped. Her frustration had gotten the better of her. Toto was stunned and speechless — There's no baby, there's no child, there's nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

He stared at her, his jaw set.

— There is nothing because the process failed. I failed. Again — Cassie said, looking down at her feet, her eyes filling with tears — Honestly, I should have expected it. My parents always said I wasn’t good for anything. I could never do anything right in their eyes, and I don’t know why I thought this would be any different. I don’t know why I thought things would work out. I don’t know why I was hoping I’d be able to get pregnant, especially at my age.

Her throat ached from how tight it was.

— I never should have expected something good to happen, you know? I do everything wrong, all I do is disappoint and hurt the people around me. I'm a fucking disgrace!

— Cassie — Toto said, trying to interrupt her.

— And it's frustrating as hell to realize your parents were right, you know? — she continued to talk as she looked towards the window in her living room — Because I tried. Really, I did. I made an effort, I invested all of myself in this process. I invested myself physically, emotionally, financially, and in the end, everything they’ve always told me is true. I'm a fucking useless woman who can't even do the basics expected of her.

— Cassie, we can try again…

— How the fuck are we going to do that? I used all of the money I’d set aside for this from my grandmother’s estate. That’s all gone now! If I take out a loan, I have no idea how the fuck I'm going to pay it back! The best part is, I haven't even finished paying off the first round, so now it’s just pointless debt!

Toto strode forward to where Cassie was sitting on the couch, sat next to her, and took her face firmly between his hands.

— Cassandra, will you be quiet and listen to me? — he said, practically shouting.

Cassie swallowed. Her lower lip trembled, her breathing unsteady.

— You're not useless. You are not a failure — Toto said, his voice soft and quiet again — You are the bravest woman I know.

She blinked.

— Your parents don't know a fraction of what you really are. If they saw the Cassandra that I see every day, they would see that their daughter is a smart, determined, hard working woman, not a useless one. They would know that their daughter is brave enough to become a mother on her own, because she knows she is capable of it.

— Toto...

— Cassie, I don't know of many, any, even, other women who would willingly go through this process alone. The fact that you planned to, that you walked into the clinic and were prepared to face everything involved by yourself, all because you had a dream of becoming a mother and were willing to make it come true. You’re the only one I know of who would’ve been capable of it, and I admire you so much for that…

She didn't know what to say.

— I just want you to understand that even though you're brave enough to face anything to make your dream come true, I’m with you. I’m dreaming about it too, Cassandra. And I will be there for you, no matter how long it takes for you to get pregnant.

Toto leaned his forehead against hers, his eyes fixed on hers.

— Cassie, I will give you a child — he whispered — I promise you.

They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. Her skin burned, her breath was heavy, and her heart was beating so fast she thought it might burst.

Cassie was tired of Toto's words. She wanted more than that.

She wanted him.

She moved to close the gap between them, tentatively touching her lips to his, and he obliged her. Toto's mouth was soft and his movements delicate, his thumbs caressing Cassie's cheeks with the same tenderness she had felt every time he held her hand during the seemingly countless exams and procedures she had undergone in the last few months.

Tilting her head slightly to the right, Cassie parted her lips as an invitation for him to explore her mouth. Her hands found their way to Toto's chest, fingers sliding against the fabric of his shirt, up to his collar. She grasped at it, holding herself tightly against him. It was as if he had taken away Cassie's ability to reason, or even breathe, and she didn’t care a bit. She just wanted him, and nothing else.

However, he didn't respond in the way she'd hoped.

— Cassie — Toto said, panting, his nose touching hers — No… We… No…

— Please…

— You're not okay right now — he tried to argue, as she brushed her lips against his, her fingers clenched in the fabric of his shirt.

— I need you — Cassie whispered, pleading to him. She had never dared say anything like that to him, but at that moment, Cassie felt like he was the one keeping her from going adrift in that sea of sadness. She needed to feel something beyond the agonizing emptiness that had gripped her since she found out she wasn’t pregnant. Toto was the only one who could transform that sadness into something more bearable.

She felt his hands slide from her face to her shoulders, pushing her away from his face. He looked sad and confused at the same time, his lips red from the friction of the kiss they’d just shared.

— Cassie, you need to rest — Toto said, in a serious tone — You look exhausted. You're going to stop drinking, go to your room, and I'm going to bring you something for the hangover. Then, you will sleep. Tomorrow, when you're nice and sober, we'll talk, okay?

She looked at him, confused. She had been drinking, but unlike the night she’d first resolved to have a child, when she'd downed an entire bottle, or the few nights after receiving the pregnancy test result, she'd only had two glasses. She wasn’t drunk at all, but she couldn't deny that she was tired. She’d slept very little since getting her test results, and it was fitful sleep when she did get it.

— Okay — she murmured.

He ran a hand through her hair, tucking a loose strand behind her ear.

— Now, go to your room, and I'll bring in some medicine and some water for you, okay?

Cassie pursed her lips, standing up and walking slowly into the bedroom, her mind scrambling for a way to get him to stay with her. She didn't want him to leave. She didn't want to spend another night alone, in that apartment, especially after that kiss. Cassie wanted more. She needed more.

Cassie needed Toto like he was the air she breathed.

Her resolve gathered as she took her last few steps into her bedroom. As soon as Cassie entered, she shut the door behind her and ripped off the old T-shirt she was wearing. Then came her shorts, and her panties. She flung them into the pile of clothes that had been collecting in the corner of her bedroom for the last week. She ran her hand through her hair, taking a deep breath when she heard footsteps in the hallway outside of her door. “It's now or never”, she thought.

— That's the last — Toto began to say, looking up to see her completely naked. Suddenly, his words were lost on their way to his lips as they parted in shock, his eyes absorbing the image of her. She walked in slow steps towards him, the cold air of her flat causing goosebumps on her skin.

— You said I'm brave — she said, as he set the medicine and the glass of water down on top of the chest of drawers just inside of her bedroom door — That I go after what I want.

He swallowed hard.

— Well — Cassie said softly, running her tongue over her bottom lip — I want you.

The silence in the room stretched out for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity to Cassie. Toto seemed to be trying to think of what to say, his gaze fixed on her face, as if searching for any hesitation or doubt in what she'd just said. However, she knew he wouldn’t find any. She was completely sure what she wanted at that moment.

— Fuck, Cassandra — Toto growled. He stepped forward and took her lips into a kiss that was nothing like the one they’d exchanged in the living room. There was no more shyness or hesitation. It was as if the tension that had been building between them had been released, leaving only the desire they had for each other in its place.

In the living room, he hesitated to go any further, but at that moment Toto didn't wait a second to start exploring her mouth, likely tasting the wine that was still on her tongue. If there were any sounds in the room, Cassie couldn't hear it. The only thing that rang in her ears was her pulse, strong, intense and fast. Her hands were at the back of his neck, gripping tightly, as if he would try to run away. Cassie would never let him get away, not now.

That night, he was hers alone.

With his hands resting on her waist, Toto began to lead her backwards, almost blindly, his fingers gently squeezing her skin and pulling her against his own body. Wrapping her arms around his neck, Cassie felt her body leaning back a little to bridge the considerable gap in height between her and the man she was kissing. However, with her breasts pressed against his chest, it felt like they were closer than ever, but all of their closeness wasn't enough. It never would be.

Cassie only realized what he was doing when she felt the back of her legs meet the edge of her mattress. Toto gently laid her down on her bed, her red hair spilling over her sheets in a coppery halo around her head, as he leaned over her body. Releasing her lips with a nibble, he lifted himself above her, taking a few seconds to catch his breath and look down at her, an expression of wonder on his face as his fingers gently traced over her cheeks.

— You look like an angel — he murmured — My angel.

She pulled him by the collar towards her, their lips crashing together in a kiss that was neither gentle nor delicate. Cassie had a lot to say, but at that moment, her kiss alone was able to convey everything she was feeling. She let her fingers slip down, trying to clumsily undo the buttons on his white dress shirt.

— Toto — Cassie managed to say, as his lips slid through her jaw towards her ear, kissing and nibbling her skin.

— What do you want, Cassie? — he whispered in her ear — Tell me what you want.

Words seemed completely scrambled in her mind, her brain struggling to put together a coherent sentence. After a few seconds, she managed to translate her wish into a sentence.

— I want you to take off this fucking shirt — she mumbled, feeling a shiver run through her body at the feel of his warm breath against her skin as he chuckled.

Toto sat back up for a moment, haphazardly trying to unbutton his shirt. He lost patience after the third button and yanked the shirt over his head, tossing it back over his shoulder with little care as to where it landed. Then he leaned over her again, but this time over Cassie's neck, his lips descending towards her breasts. When they found one of her nipples, she felt a delicate nibble, which made her gasp as she ran her hands through the dark strands of his hair.

He could tell it pleased her, so Toto continued licking and sucking her skin with enough passion to likely leave dark marks. She couldn't say that she wasn't leaving hers on him either, since while he was busy with her breasts, Cassie made a point of digging her nails into his back, a silent approval of his sensual exploration. However, it didn’t take long for her to become turned on to the point of discomfort. With one of his knees wedged between her legs, she began to rock her hips against him, hoping the friction of her pussy against the fabric of his pants would offer her some relief.

If she expected that to go unnoticed, she was wrong.

— What’s wrong, Cassie? — he asked, looking at her.

She whined, biting her bottom lip.

— You want more?

She nodded, her brows pinching together in frustration.

— Tell me what you want — he said, his fingers stroking the side of her hip — Tell me and I'll give it to you, my angel.

Cassie took a few seconds to absorb the last two words. He had never called her anything other than her given name or the nickname she always introduced herself by. Him giving her a nickname made her feel special. Well, more special than he already made her feel, with all the attention and affection with which he treated her.

Running her tongue over her lower lip, Cassie looked into his darkened eyes.

— I want you inside me.

Toto was silent for a few seconds.

— Are you sure?

She took his hand that was resting on her hip and brought it to the spot between her legs, rubbing his fingers against her pussy. She was practically dripping wet so it wasn't hard at all for them to slip through her folds, the touch of his fingers against her making her jaw clench.

— Yes.

Muttering something she didn't understand, Toto stood up again, unfastening his belt and taking down the zipper of his trousers, pulling them down along with his white underwear. The sight of him completely naked sent a wave of heat rushing over Cassie's skin, straight to the spot between her legs.

She always thought Toto was handsome, but at that moment, as he repositioned her in the middle of the bed and placed himself between her open legs, she thought Toto was something else entirely — beautiful, almost otherworldly. He looked like something out of one of the frescoes painted in Pompeii or a Greek stone relief Cassie had seen in college, in a class of classical art. He looked like a god.

— Beautiful — she whispered, without thinking about it.

Leaning over her body again, Toto didn't respond. He preferred to kiss her, with one of his hands sliding between her head and the mattress. A few seconds later, Toto leaned his forehead against hers and looked deeply in her eyes.

— Can I?

— Please — she whispered, pleading with him.

Cassie felt him position himself at her entrance and enter her, slowly and gently. It was an easy slide considering how wet she was, but he still took his time. However, it wasn't just the sensation of finally feeling him inside her that was making her feel pleasure. It was the way Toto looked into her eyes, his eyelids fluttering slightly, his lips parted and his nose brushing hers. It felt like he, too, was finally getting something he needed, that he’d wanted for a long time and felt like he couldn’t have.

When he was fully inside of her, Toto remained still for a few seconds. It looked like he was trying to process the sensations coursing through his body.

— Are you okay? — he asked, his teeth clenched.

Cassie didn't know how to answer that question. Physically she was more than fine, enjoying the delicious stretch of his cock filling her. But emotionally, she felt something strange, especially with the way he rested her head in his hand and the way he looked at her, searching for any trace of pain or discomfort.

— Yes — Cassie replied after a few seconds — Just… Fuck…

— Are you uncomfortable? Do you want me to pull out?

— No — she said, quickly, putting her hand on his arm — No. It's just… Fuck… It's… Very good…

— Do you want me to move?

She nodded, biting her lower lip. Her permission was enough for Toto to start thrusting his hips, slowly and gently at first. The movement made Cassie sigh, her fingers tightening on his arm. It had been awhile since she had had sex with anyone, if her last experience with a man could be even called sex.

It had been one night about a year ago, after a third date she'd had with a guy named Christian. After a few kisses and some increasingly daring fooling around, they ended up in bed together. However, the proceedings only took a few seconds of clumsy thrusting before he came and passed out on the mattress next to her, as if he was a teenage boy. She didn’t get a shred of satisfaction with the whole thing. The experience had been so bad that she'd considered being celibate. But with Toto inside of her, pressing delicate kisses to her as his hips drove into her, she couldn’t see herself ever living without wanting to experience this again.

She would gladly fuck him forever, especially if it meant getting to hear the low grunts he made with each thrust, and see the look of concentration on his face, the tip of his tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth. She wanted more.

— Faster — she murmured, her eyes fixed on him.

— You want me to go faster, my angel?

— Please, faster — Cassie repeated, as Toto brought his free hand to one of her thighs and lifted it, wrapping her leg around his waist, changing the angle a bit so he could go deeper. Then he withdrew his hand from under her head and reached for her hand that was gripping the sheet beneath them, intertwining his fingers with hers as he quickened the rhythm of his hips.

The room filled with the sounds of their pleasure, but it was more than that — there was an intimacy in that moment, as Toto held Cassie’s hand in his, the way he looked at her so tenderly, calling her the nickname he’d given her with such affection. It brought a few tears to Cassie’s eyes, but they weren’t tears of frustration or sadness, like they had been since she got her test results, but tears of pleasure, of happiness.

After some time, Toto slowed down, opting for deeper thrusts as he towered over her. Releasing her fingers, he took his hand to Cassie's face, sliding his fingers over her skin, wandering over her neck, chest and sternum, reaching her belly.

— I can't wait — he murmured, the words coming out in the rhythm of the thrusts — To see your belly grow… With my child inside…

— Your child…

— You're going to be… The most beautiful… Mother in the world — Toto continued, his hand sliding down her abdomen, close to her navel.

— Fuck — she moaned, her spine arching as her fingers landed on his hand.

— I will give you… A child… My angel… I will… I promise…

— Please — she whimpered, her hand gripping his fingers, the muscles in her legs growing tighter — Fuck… Please…

— Cassie…

— Fuck, yes…

— I will… Pull out — he groaned, trying to hold on to the few threads of self-control he had left in that position — I will come… On you…

Cassie's eyes snapped open, grabbing onto Toto's hand.

— No — she answered bluntly, which made Toto stop, looking at her.

— What?

— Don’t pull out.

— Cassandra…

— Please, Toto. Don’t…

His serious expression changed into a smirk.

— Do you want me to come inside you?

She nodded.

Leaning over Cassie, Toto took her hand and led it back to the mattress. Then he resumed the movement of his hips, slowly, almost as if he wanted to tease her.

— Do you want… Me to come… Inside you… Cassie?

— Yes — she whined, lifting her other leg to his hips and moving her own, trying to maximize the sensation. He lowered his face further, touching his forehead to hers.

— I will come… Inside you…. But first… I want to… See you coming… My angel.

— Please — Cassie moaned — Please…

Lifting himself up again, Toto braced himself on the mattress and sped up the rhythm of his hips. The sensation of the imminent explosion was making the muscles in Cassie’s legs and back go taut. She was like a compressed spring. Her desire to come was becoming an urgent need.

Sliding her free hand between their entwined bodies, she began to massage her own clit, seeking relief from the pressure building inside of her. However, she felt his hand wrap around hers, removing her fingers from between her legs, replacing it with his own.

— Let me… Do it… For you — he said, his thumb drawing circles in her most sensitive point, matching the rhythm of his touches with his thrusts.

Closing her eyes, Cassie could only concentrate on the oncoming sensation, the bubble that was about to burst in her belly. She was close and the sounds that left her lips no longer made sense. It was an incomprehensible mix of grunts, moans, loose words and sighs every time Toto thrusted at her in the right angle.

And then, the bubble burst.

— Fuck — she gasped, lifting her chest and pressing her heels against the base of his spine, the wave of pleasure dragging her away from that room, away from that city, away from everything. Cassie's body was shaking, her toes curled, her hand clung to his, nails digging into skin while her mouth was slightly open and her eyes closed. She had arrived in heaven, surely. There was no other explanation for how good she felt.

When she felt the wave dissipate, her muscles spasming with the aftershocks, Cassie opened her eyes to Toto giving his last few thrusts before letting out a deep, guttural, almost primal growl, releasing himself inside her. The heat of his come inside her brought a smile to Cassie's face as she was still trying to catch her breath.

That feeling was indescribable.

As soon as he finished, Toto pulled out from her, collapsing onto the bed. The feeling of emptiness that washed over Cassie had her squeezing her thighs together, her eyes still lost on the ceiling. The silence stretched for long minutes, their breathing being the only sound in the bedroom.

That was, without a doubt, the best sex she had ever had in her life. It was unlike anything she’d experienced with any other man she’d been with. "Maybe this is what they call making love," she thought, before mentally correcting herself.

There was no love between her and Toto. Well, at least on his part. Cassie liked him, cared about him, she wanted to have a baby with him more because of his desire to do things differently than for herself at that point. She wanted him to be happy, even if she had to condemn herself to being unhappy.

However, she didn't want to think about her own unhappiness in not being with someone she liked. That night, he was hers, and she would cling to that fact as long as she could.

Cassie turned towards Toto, nestling her head against his chest. He nuzzled the top of her head with his nose and kissed the crown of her head. Beneath her ear, she could hear his heart beating. The heart that would never be hers.

It was that soft sound that made her fall asleep.

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