#But drawing him like this is honestly so fun??? Like it's good for my dysphoria in some weird way

[mbohjeezart]

I blame Rye.

[vanana-r0tat3]

some pre-game batim headcanons :>

Henry: - all he does is eat hot chip be bisexual and lie /j - has a preference for women so i think him realizing hes not straight is like hey wait a minute hey wait wait - joey was his gay awakening,,, real -gets burnout super easy, it probably frustrates him a lot when he cant draw - drawing is a big comfort for him - has pretty bad social anxiety, but has become pretty good at dealing with it!

Joey: - gay. this man is not into women at all sorry 💀 "i just dont have time for girls" yeah sure fruitcake - watch me project once again and give this man bpd. like im sorry his whole thing with henry?? im not even explaining it but if you get it you get it yea - also definitely has adhd - wheelchair user !! he is able to walk, but he still needs the wheelchair when flare ups get real bad. he is stubborn though and refuses to use it at work or when hes out of the house

more under the cut !!

Wally: - he has adhd, obviously - transgender !! i feel like hes a gnc binary trans man - hes straight to me, but his gf/wife is also trans >:D t4t win - i feel like he likes to gossip. the thought of him, norman, shawn, maybe even jack whispering to eachother in a corner about some random secrets theyve overheard is super funny to me

Sammy: - AUTISM... hes autistic - gets overwhelmed and overstimulated super easily, hence why hes always so irritable - yknow what im giving him bipolar. hes my comfort character and i get to project my mental illness !! - hes gay and demiromantic - honestly? transfem i see it. bc like im thinking about how he talks about susies singing like. i know what you are - bad with boundaries.. he is so bad at them and reading social cues - hates being touched, probably is only comfortable with jack for the most part - watch him crush on like half the men mentioned in this post at least once

Norman: - hes also autistic. his sense of humor is so??? 😭 - HES ALSO DEFINITELY AN OLDER GAY GUY. he just has that energy yknow like if you agree - probably would be agender too - him and sammy are that incompatible type of autism havers does this make sense?? like some autistic people i just cant stand because of my autism, our places on the spectrum make it so hard to like them yk? thats norman and sammy - this man definitely has insomnia

Susie: - lesbian. she doesnt know it yet but she is - her calling sammy handsome isnt her being attracted to him its just gender envy 😁 - shes just a feminine transmasc 👍 - rejection sensitive dysphoria out the ASS my poor girl - very insecure deep down, so she overcompensates for it by trying to be a people pleaser n stuff

Allison: - shes bisexual !! has a strong preference for women - shes a trans woman idc idc i love her - AUTISTIC AS HELL - i imagine she had a sibling like relationship with joey - probably one of the few people that could tell him off without like. getting fired lol

Buddy: - adhd and autism,, special intrest in art/drawing - AROACE. the stuff he says about his friendship with dot?? "i didnt know we could just be friends" and him not being too into his first assumption when she pulls him away to show him the bendyland model?? yea - honestly i think he has social anxiety hes doing his best - hes very sensitive over people bringing up him being jewish, he seems so ready to be made fun of or scorned for it :( - definitely some cultural detachment because of it (im projecting again) - i think dot would wanna learn about about it, buddy should teach her stuff!! like traditions and whatnot

Tom: - asexual 👍 - TRANSGENDER. probably would be nonbinary, heavily masc leaning though - he smokes a lot have you heard this man good lord. i dont think allison is a fan of it - anger issues,, mostly caused by stress and a lack of sleep, hes trying his best :( - he has arthritis. hes not old but god do his joints fee like it. he has crutches !! like joey though he only really uses em at home 💀

Jack: - wheelchair user jack my BELOVED idk where the hc came from but im all for it - he cant walk, but is able to get around just fine! watch him try and do wheelies to impress sammy only to almost fall over - 100% autistic as well. him and sammy are able to be autism together - unlabeled aromantic - hes such a loser /loving

Grant: - poor guy gets chronic headaches someone give him some painkillers - hes got generalized anxiety disorder this man cannot get a break - demisexual and demiromantic,, mans is double demi

Shawn: - adhdtism 😭 - LOVES to talk, he could go on for hours dude - i feel like he knows a lot of ridiculously obscure knowledge. for why? dont worry about it - he gives me genderfluid vibes - literally just some guy

[cacklefrendly]

I love how you draw your gin and vodka!!!!!they so cool and cute!!!now I wonder what is you're gin backstory.like do he parent work with the organization or something like that??I'm just curious

:D AWW THANKIEEE ANON!! i keep telling myself that i'm gonna draw them being threatening and. it doesn't happen. they end up being sappy again. so im glad i'm not the only one who enjoys it regardless lmao

as for backstories. uh.

good question.

what backstory my personal versions of Gin and Vodka DO have — and my versions of the entire Black Org. team, too — is vague enough to be almost canon-compliant while leaving plenty of wiggle-room in case future canon declares any new information i think is interesting. it's not a tactical choice! working around canon to make things complicated is part of what makes playing with side characters fun for me. :>

also i'll admit: i usually don't think much about a character's childhood unless it gives something meaningful to the story. i don't think it matters too much why Gin got into the Black Organization? to me, it matters more that he's there and making it everyone else's problem :P i might change my mind later though, we'll see!!

for Gin and Vodka, at least, their backstories are more of a years-long, vaguely three-arc showcase of who they are at wildly different points in their lives together, which has some really interesting moments implied but not explicitly stated.

just for fun, here's a synopsis of those 'Arcs': (i remembered to write a transcript this time, it's under the read-more)

“ARC” 1: SETUP (met once, briefly, by accident.)

VODKA (asides: “Just some dude” & “he uses cheap ballpoints and it hurts my soul. he gets better I promise.”)

maybe grew up in a rural area?

recently finished college, working at one of the Black Organization's front companies

dealing with being a closeted gay man while also trying not to get involved in normal office drama and still hear all the gossip

Very Aware that the company is doing some shady illegal stuff and is SUPER CURIOUS, but 1), he'd like to keep being payed thank you, and 2), he has enough self-preservation to know better than to go snooping

honestly he's just Some Guy

GIN (asides: “dysphoria hoodie” & “[PROTOTYPE] called, Alex wants his damn clothes back.”)

where did you even come from-

working as a low-level assassin with the Black Organization but already starting to garner attention from some of the higher-ups

aggressive, paranoid, AND experiencing dysphoria all at the same time!!! uh oh!!

dealing with the gradual realization that being trans is. a Thing. while also having a really bad-ass action movie as a life, complete with betrayal and murder and explosions

starts transitioning after he climbs the Organization's ranks enough to carve out a place he KNOWS he's safe and can relax

“ARC” 2: MEET-NOT-CUTE (a year or two after “Arc” 1)

VODKA

suffering from the aftermath of The Incident and trying to grapple with the fact that he's been working for an international crime syndicate

and trying to understand his role in all of this mess

and trying not to get killed by his new boss

AND is trying not to think about the fact that his new boss is SO scary and mean

AND trying SO HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT HOW HE'S KINDA INTO THAT-

GIN

high-ranked enough that he can no longer keep working alone and he HATES IT SO MUCH

it's not just a blow to his pride, it's also all the paranoia. it's mostly the paranoia, to be quite honest

called dibs on the most harmless, pathetic-looking man he could find who still seemed to be useful. and that man was Vodka

even so, spends a good while CONVINCED that Vodka will turn on him if Gin gives him the chance.

BOTH

Gin keeps trying to bait Vodka into trying to kill him and is infuriated as nothing happens.

Vodka sees the bait and is confused at first, later horrified when he figures out what Gin's expecting him to do

as Vodka shows his usefulness, Gin starts to calm down. full-on Trust takes several years to develop

the first time Gin falls Asleep near Vodka freaks Gin out more than a little

“ARC” 3: GET A FUCKIN ROOM (roughly a few years before and into Canon)

Vodka: “If you want coffee you gotta’ let go.” Gin: “*unintelligible sounds of disapproval*”

they aren't in a romantic relationship. they haven't even had a one-night stand. and yet they carry a very "aging gays who've been married for 30 years" energy. it drives the Team up the wall.

before the Trust developed, Vodka let Gin control/initiate all contact as an appeasement/self-preservation strategy. at this point he still does it, but out of habit more than anything.

plot twist, Gin's actually super tactile with people he trusts. he invades Vodka's personal space constantly. it's especially bad when he's cold or tired (so, most of the time)

they know each other's boundaries very well even though they never, like, sat down and talked about it. it's been trial and error thus far. it helps that they're also good at reading each other.

Vodka's uncomfortable attraction turned into a crush, which turned into quiet love. Gin's wariness turned into trust, which turned into love. BUT Gin's doesn't think much about trust OR romance so he's not actually aware (yet) that his feelings for Vodka are more than Really Strong Trust. he also doesn't know Vodka's feelings for him (YET)

there are so many ways this fucking slow-burn could end and I love all of them too much to pick just one

[imtherealspidermanactually]

drawing faces is really hard so pls don't make fun 💀

general headcanons (not really hcs bcuz this is my character) for Eli :D

Okay so ik I already said his age, but he is 14 and is a freshman in high school

He is grumpy a lot of the time

His hair always changes bcuz of his dysphoria (me coded). He always ends up cutting it himself impulsively and it doesn't turn out good 100% of the time

he adores flowers, especially yellow ones. Any yellow flower is his favorite

Even though the school and his grandparents are supportive of him being trans, doesn't mean the kids at school do. People will sometimes make comments about him being trans so he uses him being spider-skull to cope.

SPEAKING OF BEING A SUPERHERO TO COPE !! Eli loves using his persona because he is able to cover up his identity, and people automatically assume he is a cis boy. If he could be spider-skull all the time he would

he is apart of the spider society. He does get along with everyone there (miles, gwen, hobie, pavitr, ect). But he honestly doesn't like Miguel after what he heard with the whole him and Miles situation, so he tries to stay away from him as much as possible.

He's pretty quiet; isn't the most talkative person but if someone talks to him he will respond

Since Eli does care a lot about his health, he uses trans tape to bind instead of a binder. I'm not saying that a binder isn't safe, but after Eli became spider-skull he stopped using his binder so he doesn't harm his ribs and lungs

I think that's all for right now :D! If anyone wants me to make tickle headcanons I will but I just wanted to give out his general info first

[mcnuggyy]

may I know some new Clay facts? Claig if we're feeling spicy 👀

Clay facts!! Sure thing!! Clay has an interest in human anatomy, but specifically the gross fucked up things they have that unicorns don’t like organs and blood and death but especiallyyyy bones, Clay has a theory that humans love harder and more passionately because of their mortality, and in a way that theory might be true? Just because unicorns tend to be more casual when it comes to relationships and sometimes only really make things ‘dramatic’ for the fun of it if that makes sense lmaooo 😭 (life’s too long to get hung up on breakups sometimes jaja) Because of this Clay has an equal interest of both super grotesque documentaries and horror films, AND romantic comedies and cute romance dramas and stuff! (Though the lovey dovey stuff is usually watched with Mikey… no one else is really willing to watch that other stuff with Clay LMAO)

stuff I mentioned before but I think is fun to say just incase others aren’t aware: Clay collects human bones, but doesn’t realize the ones Mikey has been getting for the collection are absolutely fake; has had the most form changes asides from Hev and struggles pretty heavily with dysphoria because Clays feelings are pretty complex when it comes to gender and the ´base form’ Clays body has currently been taking, kinda has a bit of a crush on Craig, still unsure if it’s one of those “I really want to be close friends with this poor guy :-( ” type of deals or a “ohhhh this guy is soooo sad and patheticcc ohhhhh I wanna kiss him soooo bad” type of thing JAJAJA. Clay is sensitive to loud noises and super bright colors which is why usually you’ll see Clay on the phone, either scrolling through social media or playing like a super chill game (probably one of those like match 3 games or tamagotchi types that involves taking care of a little creature :-]<3) Clay draws a heart on the cheek every morning, and does a super extensive skin care routine at night, it’s pretty useless cause unicorns don’t really get acne but Clay likes the way it feels jaja. Takes the equivalent of unicorn anxiety medication and has gotten pretty good at hiding most of the little stimming habits Clay has (has def gotten some looks about it in the past so only really does it freely when alone with Mikey :-] <3) Clay and Mikey used to look quite alike, but as they both spent more time maturing and developing their own interests and opinions they slowly began to look less and less alike! Before it was very clear they had a little twin thing going on but now they usually have to tell other unicorns they’re “magic related” siblings if they don’t figure it out on their own lol. The spells/magic Clay knows (small scale) are: transformation, illusion, translation, telekinesis, and have also been trying to learn ´thought messaging´ to talk to Mikey when in loud social situations!

But yeah! That’s all I have for now but honestly if you all have any specific little thoughts or ideas about my funny guys I am alwayysssss game to hear it :-] no matter how small jaja <3

[saint-gerard-of-arc]

I'm a fucking wreck rn I haven't been sleeping for a week and I'm getting some rest from the bullshit factory that is my brain only now, but I just wanted to say that last year for me has been saved by tumblr and all the friends I made along the way.

Before you go below the cut, a special thanks goes to the Bee Movie Anon, who, rightfully, I can't tag so I have to say it here in the hope that they'll see it. Your hunger for chaos made me feel a lot of emotions, and I'd have never in any time or space thought that the Bee Movie would be such a prominent part of my life as it is now thanks (read it with a note of sarcasm) to you. Thank you for providing us an infinite amount of both entertainment and suffering, hell, some of the friends I made were because of YOU. I'm still not sure what was your drive to go and start this absurd crusade for the bee movie in the 80s metal fandom, but I don't know, I don't think bee so, I'm not gonna question your ways.

@arnold-layne being the first in line, you kept me sane somehow in the first phases of quarantine and dedicated a lot your time to talk with me and helped me enormously with creativity. If it wasn't for you, that Cyberpunk Comic That Is Kinda Inspired By The Crüe and Shout At The Devil would've been already down the drain. I would've given up probably, because I didn't know how to exted the concept and have an actual plot. A dream that I've been having for literal years wouldn't even have such cool characters with a rich storyline if it wasn't for you. I know I kinda left it after a month or so of intense brainstorming with you, I was literally drained at that point both physically and mentally, but oh boy I haven't forgot about the characters that WE created. How could I after all? Russ being the wreck of a tormented junkie protagonist that he is, Dylan the happy-go-lucky fuck up that seems to do nothing right but with the best intentions, Frankie the runaway sassy and wary androgynous teenager whose gender is a mystery even to themselves, and the epitome of the found family trope, ex gov agent part Japanese, part Russian, part cyborg Vik, whose story isn't still clear yet but we'll give him a very good one, eventually.

You gave me the curiosity to read fanfiction again after literally NINE YEARS of being distant from that part of the fandom and honestly I don't regret it one bit. In fact, I discovered literally my favorite writer in fanfiction. That is you, Arnold. I don't care how frequently you write, I don't care if sometimes you can't do your best. I'll always be there waiting for the next chapter and I'll always think that your art is sublime. I'll have to admit, I don't read your works as often as I should. But it's because I love them so much that I want to always save for later. It's like a drug, or a delicious cake that you want it to last as long as possible so you can enjoy it for much longer (I should be reading your fic more often either way tho like, at least so I can make more art for it. I'll make sure to change that this year and give you the recognition you deserve 🖤).

Everytime I make art, everytime I make a post, I always wait for your name to pop in my notifs. And fuck if I'm happy when I see it, and I rush to read your tags and it always makes my day. Like seriously, you mean so much to me and I admire how you can still be any amount of sane with all you're going through. You're strong as hell, keep going. 🖤

@i-dont-like-rice dude, how can I explain it. You're my best bud here. You're my chaotic sibling from another mother. The other braindead I share the single braincell I have with. The Nikki to my Tommy. Or the Tommy to my Nikki, I'm still not sure which of us is which (I guess I'm Nikki and you're Tommy? lmao it's ironic how even them are an italian and a balkanian) but you get the point. Every interaction we have, I laugh my ass off till my whole body hurts every time. I think I worried my mother and annoyed my sister at least a couple times for bursting out laughing for five minutes straight out of the blue, especially if it was late at night, and all the times, I swear it was because of you. You are as chaotic as you are kind, and it's always so disarming to see you worry or take care of others when you are definitely in a worse situation. Please, be more selfish, goddammit. For your own sake. And be more confident of your art. Draw shit and post it. Who cares if it's not perfect and you hate it and you don't want anybody to see it, it's tumblr, nobody will ever reblog it or give you the well deserved recognition anyway! So it's worth a try isn't it?

@no-stone-no-bone seriously, I'm so glad I met you. You're like the third element of chaos that holds me and Andi together. All three of us are literally unstoppable. You're extremely sweet too and I wish you the best, and DON'T HIDE SHIT IN THE TAGS GODDAMMIT 😂

@white-lightning-625 @viiinceneil I know we really haven't talked much, and we met through unfortunate times, but I'm so glad that something good came out of the chaos and drama, which is being able to talk to you and getting to know you both better. And the fics. My god, the fics. Frankie, I already told you this but MY GOD. I still find it incredible that I've read a fic about a band I didn't even know what they looked or sounded like and I was HOOKED from start to finish. And Katie, I should definitely read more of your works because I love what you've got going on. You're both very sweet and talented with a very distinct, beautiful way of writing and I can't wait to sink my teeth into the pulp of your work, because I know that by now I only scratched the surface.

@awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands Bruh, conoscere una fan su tumblr the parla la MIA STESSA LINGUA (e che ha pure il mio stesso vero nome lmao cosa sta succedendo)??? Che concetto innovativo!!! Le nostre conversazioni sono sempre disgiunte, ma non importa, adoro ogni nostra interazione. Sei seriamente una delle persone più dolci e gentili che abbia mai conosciuto. La tua creatività stimola sempre la mia. Le tue moodboard sono sempre 👌👌👌 e ogni volta trovo sempre qualcosa che sì, ci avevo pensato, ma mai nel modo in cui lo poni tu, e di solito sono una persona che resta vicina alle proprie idee, ma tu riesci a farmi alterare prospettiva, e trovo questo meccanismo mentale molto affascinante. Ti ricordi lo swapped instruments AU, con Tommy come cantante, no? Giuro che è un concetto a cui penso ancora dopo mesi. Spero di avere la capacità mentale per tradurre quell'idea in arte il prima possibile, perché cazzo, lo adoro troppo

@tattooed-lies thank you for providing the fandom the best gifs in the fucking platform and thank you for giving us the vinikki content that everyone, even if they're not aware, deserves and needs. Thank you for being the only Vince stan that I know. Thank you for being the sweetest person alive 💖

@nbtommylee honestly, I wish I was cool like you. Your sense of humor is impeccable, much like your critical thinking. I have never read something from you that wasn't a valid point. You don't talk shit and that's extremely sexy of you, y'know? And having a "gender dysphoria buddy" to be jealous of our Rockstar Gender Of Choice with is always fun to have, so that's definitely a plus. Can't wait to see (and read!) more of your art, I just love your style so much and you deserve to be Known

@metalmelkor @emometalhead @polka-dot-duff I'm always so happy to see you in my notifs and y'all are oh so very sweet and cool, we haven't talked much but I love every interaction we have, sorry for having the social skills of a stale piece of white bread 🖤

A special thanks goes to @awesomgrlgr8job bc you're literally one of my very first mutuals since I made the decision to make this dumpster fire of a blog and holy shit it's crazy to think about that. I don't even know if we ever interacted that much but it's always such a joy to see you around, ily and I hope you're doing well and thanks for putting up with my clownery for so long 💖

Like seriously, thank you all. I don't even know where I would be without you. Here's to another year of chaos, but only of the good kind 💖

[jihyuncompass]

ADHD Seven/Saeyoung Headcanons

Okay so as a person with ADHD I’m a heavy believer that Seven has ADHD. So I decided to write some headcanons about it. 

As a disclaimer I am a person with ADHD so a lot of these are drawing from my own experiences with dealing with it but ADHD is an extremely complex neurodevelopmental disorder with a lot of symptoms and behaviors, so many that I can’t include them all here.

Seven/Saeyoung

Seven wasn’t diagnosed until he joined the agency. 

Seven mostly deals with a combination of hyperactive and inattentive type, however his hyperactive symptoms are much more obvious to people. 

Seven has a prescription for meds, but he’s really bad at remembering to take them. He tries to keep the bottle on his desk to remember to take them when he sits down to work but he usually forgets. 

As a kid Seven had a hyperfixation on computers, which is how he learned to hack so quickly. He would lose himself for hours just learning about how they work. 

Some of that still lingers but he hyperfixates on electronics and tech as a whole now. 

This is partially why he has so many strange inventions littered around the bunker. Many started as brief ideas that his mind went wild with leaving him hyperfocused on creating that idea. 

However for every finished invention there’s about 3-4 unfinished ones. Projects he lost interest in or stopped being fun enough for him. And unfortunately once he loses interest he rarely gets it back. 

He drinks Dr. Pepper partially because it tastes good but the caffeine actually helps his mind settle and makes it easier for him to focus on his work. He depends more on caffeine then his own meds tbh. 

Part of the reason he mostly eats HBC is not only because they taste good but often times cooking is hard for him. Almost everything takes too long, takes too much energy to make, or is too confusing. He also once almost burned down his bunker after leaving the stove on trying to make noodles after he got distracted. He won’t admit it but that moment was kind of traumatizing. 

As annoying as they may be, Vanderwood is actually a huge help for him. Getting anything done without an external motivation is nearly impossible. They may be harsh about it but Vanderwood’s pressure actually helps him focus a lot better. 

Unfortunately his ADHD also makes him a bit oppositional defiant so yeah he’ll do the work, but he might be a pain about it. 

Seven struggles with some sensory issues, things like noise and touch are especially sensitive for him. 

Big hoodie and headphones? ADHD sensory saviors honestly. 

Sleep is also a huge issue for him. He’s almost never tired at night and even when he is he finds it impossible to actually fall asleep. He relies on melatonin supplements to get himself to sleep. 

Other times he just falls asleep when his body physically gives up. This is usually at his desk or on the couch, it’s not very restful sleep but it’s what his body needs. 

Socially Seven has a difficult time. On top of having ADHD he also didn’t exactly socialize a lot of a child so he missed learning a lot of the social cues and expectations that most people learn as children. 

He’s also rather impulsive in the way he speaks, he blurts out things and goes on long unrelated tangents. If you think it’s bad in the chatroom its even more intense in person.

Seven is more than aware of how impulsive he can be while speaking, He tends to agonize after conversations about things he said. He would never let people in on that though. 

He leans heavily into the quirky, aloof 707 personality for this reason. He knows he’s socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right things so he acts as this sort of cartoonish caricature of himself he’s created.

Although Seven tries to hide it he cares a lot about what people think of him. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a huge hidden aspect of ADHD and he can’t stand the thought of people rejecting him, or even disliking him. 

It’s why he always listens and follows what V asks of him. Seven deeply cares about what V thinks of him. And considering V’s the only older male figure in his life he actually trusts wholeheartedly? The thought of V being disappointed in him is debilitating. 

It was similar with Rika too, Seven didn’t think it was a good idea to install a bomb in the apartment. He couldn’t think of a single reason why that could be a good idea, but he’s petrified of the idea of her being unhappy with him. 

To end on a light note, Seven is the living embodiment of that one vine. 

“Got diagnosed with cool guy syndrome yesterday, so now I take ~adderall~ haHA” 

[pride-and-flags-47]

Nonbinary November, Again!

Last year i answered the 22 questions @letters-to-lgbt-kids made for november, and I think it’s a good idea do re-answer them!

1.Which labels do you use?

At the moment, my gender labels are trans guy, nonbinary and demiboy, my gender isn’t exactly three gender but also isn’t exactly only one. For other non gender related stuff, aroace and gay (gay as in mlm, nblm, nblnb and mlnb).

And Ive named my gender but don't actively use the term, but it's still my gender, boyenbyflux.

2.What are your pronouns?

Only he/him!

3.How old were you when you came out to yourself as nonbinary?

Had to look in the older answers, but ye, in 2017 I used the label demigirl but never really thought of myself as not cis at the time, and in december of 2018 was when I realized I was trans, and started using demiboy, but as far as using the label nonbinary itself, around the middle of 2019.

4.What’s one thing you’d like to tell your younger self?

I always have a hard time with things like this. I think I’ll focus this on Alec on early 2020 for this: you’re not faking or cis for having weird gender dysphoria/euphora/apathy days, and a part of these weird days is because of the nonbinary part being louder than the male part of your gender at that moment.

5.Is there a myth about nonbinary people that annoys you the most?

Not really a myth, but the wrong belief that nonbinary genders are only one thing and that they can’t sometimes lean towards one or both binary genders.

6.Is there a nonbinary celebrity you look up to?

Not really? I’m not really big on following celebrities.

7.If you’re out, how did you come out?

Haven’t come out to most people I know irl. But I did come out to a colleague, it went well! I came out through WhatsApp and just said that I'm trans and aroace and gay.

8.Is there a gender-related pun you like?

non-bee-nary

Also not really a pun but none gender with left boy XD

9.Do you have friends who identify as nonbinary, too?

Nbfbsbsnn yeah basically most of my transmasc friends are also on the nonbinary spectrum.

10.Do you have a favorite lgbt+ character?

My characters fndnfsnn

But also my friends’ ocs.

As for more known media I forgot everything right now.

11. Lgbt, lgbt+, lgbtqa+… which one do you usually use?

All of them but also LGBTQ and LGBTQ+ and many other alternatives. Depends on the day.

12. How do you explain the term “nonbinary” to people who have no idea what it means?

A gender that isn’t entirely a binary gender (aka man and woman), basically almost any gender that isn’t 100% man or woman.

13.Tell us a fun fact about yourself (gender-related or random!)

I’ve been drawing everyday this year so far!

14.How did you find your name?

OK now that I have more names, I’ll go through each one XD

I chose Alec because two months before I realized I was trans I created an oc and called him Alec and I thought it was the closest to the male version of my deadname (it’s honestly not that close) and then I started using it! And it's my main name still.

As for Arthur, I just like it! Same for Alexandre, besides the fact that I though of a hypothetical scenario where I’m called uncle Alexandre and it makes me soft :3 and I had already been thinking about using Arthur or Alexandre instead of Alec or as my legal name while Alec would be a nickname, back in 2019 but I forgot about this until like, august/september of this year. And its AlexandRE, not AlexandER, Alexandre is more common here in my country + I have an oc with the name Alexander and he’s a horrible person and I couldn’t ever use that name for me XD

And Alex, it’s because I ended up starting relating a lot with my oc with that name, and there’s the bonus that is very similar to Alec and it’s a nice name.

15.If you’re in a relationship, how did your partner react to your coming-out?

I don’t have a partner.

16.Do you prefer partner, datemate, significant other or something else?

I don’t want a romantic relationship but if I enter a QPR I’d like to be called boyfriend :3 I also like the term joyfriend :3 I’m ok with partner but isn’t my prefered one.

17.A piece of advice for questioning kids?

Take your time, there’s no pressure to find out as fast as possible. Also gender and orientation is weird so it’s normal to end up going through a lot of labels, to settle with the first one you think about, to change between labels and go back to the first one and even to never really always settle. Life is weird and labels are too, and you have my full on support on your questioning journey.

18.Which flag(s) do you use?

I've been also looking for other gay man flags but haven't settled with another besides the rainbow one, but Ive been looking at the one libragender made and it's pretty nice.

And these last two i made them! It's the mlm + nblm flag and the flag about my gender!

19.Any tips for bad days?

Drink water, eat something, if you’re able, socialize and/or take a walk and get some sunlight. It wont help everything but somethimes that’s what is what is wrong and if it’s not the case, at least it’s less things making you feel worse.

And this blog is always open to listening and supporting, althought I may not always have advice, I can lend an ear for vents and stuff.

20.Do you have a favorite nonbinary blog on tumblr?

@finley-myself

Their comic is great and they’re honestly a really nice person!

21.Feminine, masculine, androgynous - or none of those things?

I call my presentation soft masc. It’s definetly masculine, with a tinge of androgeny but without anything feminine, Or I take something feminine and make it androgenous. And it’s soft because it’s not overly masculine, it’s masc light.

22. What are your three favorite things about yourself?

1- My sense of humor

2- My knowledge of random things

3- My attention to small things

And that’s it! be sure to check Oliver’s blog out too! It’s a really nice and positive place and his letters always cheer me up!

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[feroxcia]

♥ & ✫

Some fun Munday asks! 

♥: One thing you love about your Muse.

This might be a little vain but, his design? I like spiky hair anime boys and Gary is the og one for me. He’s honestly really easy to draw and I mean...just look at him! You can garner so much information by just looking at images of him from the anime. (Them eyebrows man). That stands for Green too and all the other iterations of this character. It’s a good, simple design that lends itself well to growth. I’ve seen so many different takes on how an adult Gary should look and all of them are great.

✫: Why you began RPing.

Okay so this is gonna get pretty personal and long, I’m sorry.

I used to write lots of fan fiction when I was a kid and I always enjoyed the escapism. I really liked exploring topics through the safety of fiction. Like I wasn’t about to go out and murder someone, nor did I want to. But I could write a story about murder. I wasn’t interested in a relationship, but you can bet your bottom I wrote stories of characters in uwu wove and all they did was kiss and hold hands all day every day. I was a kid with a vivid imagination. So when I eventually found the concept of roleplay and roleplay games I was hooked. 

You mean to tell me there’s a bunch of people out there that just...collaborate on these stories and get invested and attached to these characters. People you could make friends with, AND you don’t even need an OC to do it??? (I wasn’t really into making OC’s, I’m still not. It’s a problem. It’s mostly because I’m not confident enough in my ability to create an interesting character and all my past attempts either didn’t impress other people or I never formed a connection with those characters. I do have some. I just don’t really use them or have forgotten what they originally were, I only have pictures in sketchbooks.) Count me in!

The escapism was still a big factor, but I also had so much dysphoria about who I was as a person back then. I really, really hated myself. I had very few friends, and the ones I did manage to make felt...fake in some way. I was constantly bullied at school over my hobbies and the way I dressed. I developed and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And I wouldn’t form an actual friend group until late into my high school years. So like, roleplay provided a way for me to be someone I wasn’t. I could take on the persona of Sonic the Hedgehog, or Ike from Fire Emblem (my two first roleplay characters) and I could BE them. That’s all I could ever ask for. And that’s all I ever wanted to do, go back into this fantasy world where I’m someone I’m not.

Looking back on it, it got really unhealthy. Like it got to a point where I wouldn’t even go outside. I was so sucked into this world of roleplaying and becoming someone I’m not that by the time I started going to college all I would do was go to class or sit in my room. I’d stay up until 6 in the morning and sleep until 1 in the afternoon. Rinse and repeat. It became my life. (a lot of that was due to my family moving once again right after I got out of high school. This time all the way across country.)

It took a long time for me to break out of that mold and I was only able to do it thanks to the fighting game community and smash bros which was oddly enough the game that got me into roleplay in the first place. I really grew into myself and finally found a friend group outside of roleplay that cared for me and pushed me to become a better person.

I only came back to roleplay in the past two years. I’ve hopped around different closed groups until finally landing back here. I don’t take roleplay nearly as serious anymore. It’s just a hobby, and I have plenty of people in my life (including my fiance) that will pull me back out of the hole if I get too far in it.

Sorry that got so long. I know it went well past the initial topic of why I got into roleplay, but I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk about the ugly side of it. We all want roleplay to be in good fun, a healthy and safe way to explore unsavory topics and escape the dredges of the real world, but sometimes it can be taken way too far. I took it way too far and I don’t want anyone to do to themselves what I did to myself. It really fucks you up mentally.

[dr-astormylasthurrah]

Alexei 11, 10, 19, 28, 32, 40, 42, 49, 53, 73, 92, 94

cutting cuz this got long!

10. What is their favourite room to be in, in the house they live in?

his aunt has a room in their house dedicated entirely to her pet geckos. alexei fucking loves them so much. other than that technically “the roof”

11. Do they believe in luck?

absolutely not. he’s very much superstitious and believes everything happens for a reason, so luck is more of an extension of the universe’s will

19. What does their relationship with their family look like? Are they close? Distant? Ect.

absolutely fucking terrified of his mom, apathetic skewing slightly warm toward his dad, thinks his aunt is the coolest person ever and probably has a problem with unhealthy idolization. to be fair however i also think marya shirose is the coolest person ever and she isn’t even my aunt.

28. If they could have one wish, what would they wish for?

it’d be cool to have his left eye back. (and sen.) (although that would be a whole other can of worms.)

32. Do they get stressed out easily?

he doesn’t so much get “stressed out” as “become the physical manifestation of a pressure cooker”, which is to say “he acts only slightly more erratic until he explodes and never speaks to anyone ever again”. it’s more of a buildup thing that can be stopped early on if someone addresses it but if no one does. hoo boy

40. If I wanted to draw them, what would be distinct physical features that I would have to know to draw them correctly?

- he doesn’t have a left eye, which he either covers with an eye patch or fancy mask of some sort (not even necessarily his canon one if this is an out of mansion au). or if you are going for 100% chill day he might not cover it at all but it also freaks people out- bony as HELL. if he doesn’t look like he can be snapped in two by a slight wind that’s not my boy- i’ve decided he doesn’t have chest dysphoria and doesn’t bind so there’s that, i guess?- but also if you draw him with a massive chest i will give you the mcshooty, i said he is bony and you Will draw him accordingly

42. Do they live with anyone? If so, who?

his aunt marya!! they live in minato ward in tokyo. marya owns 3 leopard geckos as well, their names are hamlet (bc he’s an overdramatic bitch baby), ilya (because marya wanted to assert dominance over her brother/alexei’s dad), and spots (bc 11 year old alexei named it and he was not creative)

49. If they could have an extinct animal for a pet, what would they have?

passenger pigeon... he’s just mad they’re extinct honestly

53. What is something that they want but can’t have?

pet birds, because marya has enough trouble supporting the two of them + her lizards as is with an unstable income. one day. one day.

... or maybe he’ll just steal caliban one of these days. choose your own adventure!

73. What attracts them to another person?

what causes him to be initially interested in the other person is “they treat him as a human person and not just a strange cryptid fixture and actually want to get to know him on a deeper level”. attraction is like that but... like, the other person is able to acknowledge him as a person while also being able to appreciate the fact that he is kind of a cryptid fixture. his problem with other people is that they tend to interact with him on a surface level and that’s it, which annoys him but also he accepts for the most part bc that is indeed the unhinged energy he wants to exude.

on a slightly less deep level: someone who’s committed, dedicated, serious but capable of having fun, not necessarily affectionate all the time but it counts when it counts. he likes being able to make people happy but not in the same way hirono does; it’s less that he has a compulsive need to please and more that he just likes making people genuinely smile sometimes.

92. What was their childhood like?

well he’s trans, is terrified of his mom, goes suddenly and robotically polite when addressed in sharp tones (ESPECIALLY by tiana, although it’s not intentional on her part), and he’s missing an eye.

you do the math!

94. Do they take criticism well?

it really depends on how it’s presented. general joking-ish comments are brushed off pretty easily, but again if it’s presented harshly he tends to shut down. either way he’s pretty good at not taking it to heart and just doing whatever the hell he wants instead.

[thunderingstormsart]

@fallenhero-rebirth

I finished these somewhat recently and I’m really not liking them, but I guess they’ll be my first post on my empty ass art blog. I can’t draw humans and there’s so many anatomy issues 😭but hey, I’m trying to learn so that’s something.

This is my Sidestep Dimitri Sol and his puppet Eden Moriah. Dimitri looks grumpy here but he’s actually a very playful jokester. Also, Dimitri’s face is entirely based on Liam Samuels but I might not have done a great job of replicating that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fallen Hero: Rebirth is my favorite Choice of Games book (my favorite piece of written fiction, in fact) and I’m deeply in love with the universe surrounding the story. I’ve followed it since it was first introduced on the COG WIP forum I think three years ago, and it has remained close to my heart since then. Dimitri has been such a dear character to me since I first played the demo for Rebirth.

Under the cut is a ridiculously long info dump about Dimitri. Warnings: Spoilers for Rebirth and the Retribution demo. Brief mentions of self-harm and panic attacks.

General:

Dimitri is a mixed race gay trans man. He’s charismatic and humorous, though how he presents himself depends on if he’s around people he trusts or not. Around strangers, he’s reserved, talks less, and tends to observe and watch everything and everyone around him. He’s a bit flighty around strangers as he honestly expects them to turn on him at any moment, whether in a violent way or not. Around people he trusts, he’s rather high-spirited and playful. He likes to tease people and get under their skin in a friendly way (even though some people, like Chen, don’t see this as friendly). He is an unintentional flirt with everyone and doesn’t even notice (which makes him a massive hypocrite because he gets extremely jealous and petty when Ortega does the same exact thing). However, someone expressing legitimate love and affection to him would completely fluster him. He turns into such an embarrassed mess. When he’s hurt or angry he attempts to use humor to mask it but sometimes the anger can lead to him making cruel and rude jokes in an attempt to hurt the person that hurt him. When he’s truly upset or has a panic attack he tends to curl up and hide himself away. Being in a small, hidden corner somewhere puts him at ease, especially if someone he trusts is with him and is holding him and helping calm him down.

As a tactician, he prefers to leave the front-line fighting to others. He’s more of a thinker and planner than a fighter.

He’s good with technology. He’s very creative and loves to tinker with tech. He’s a massive fucking nerd someone please beat him up.

He has the sugar vice and as such has a massive sweet tooth and finds sweet food very comforting. If he wasn’t poor and was actually willing to spend money on his own happiness he’d constantly buy sweets non-stop.

He agreed with Ortega that he should see a therapist and desperately hopes she can really help him. Even though he doesn’t have the suicidal Heartbreak scar and isn’t suicidal, he has self-harmed in the time after Heartbreak as a form of punishment, though this habit lessened after Ortega found him. He tends to forget to care for himself, such as not eating enough or sleeping adequately (though that particularly is more of a very conscious attempt to avoid his constant nightmares). Since meeting Ortega again, he has gotten somewhat better about taking care of himself. He’s poor and refuses to spend more than the bare minimum on himself, preferring to keep what money he has for Eden or his goals. This results in him neglecting himself.

He doesn’t understand why anyone would, or could, fall in love with him since he sees himself as unworthy of love. He views himself as a broken mess and a poor knock-off of a real human. It just confuses him how anyone can care about him in any positive way, friend or lover. Regardless, he is quite greedy and craves love and affection, affection-starved disaster that he is. Despite being paranoid about people touching him and finding out about his tattoos, he is BIG on physical contact. He’s incredibly tactile when he’s with someone he trusts (he and Ortega are two peas in a pod).

Relationships:

Ortega and Anathema were very close friends with Dimitri. The three were troublemakers and constantly terrorized the rest of the Rangers with their antics. Anathema’s death really hurt him and is the subject of many of his nightmares. He also blames himself for Anathema’s death. He viewed him like a big brother.

His close friendship with Ortega quickly turned into a romantic relationship. The two pick back up in Rebirth. Ortega sappily calls him “Mi Sol” (ironically, someone in the Fallen Hero Discord apparently also has a Sidestep that Ortega calls that because of their name). He will deny it to himself, but Ortega is the most important thing in his life and he can’t stop himself from loving him. He accidentally love triangled himself with Eden by being too much like his flirty self around Ortega whenever he’s Eden.

Since coming back, he has tried to get closer to Chen and really tries to help Chen get a better understanding of him. He does like to tease him, though (God help Chen when he discovers that he’s had a big crush on Ortega, the teasing will never end). He will end up in a polyamorous relationship with Ortega and Chen, once he and Chen stop being dumbass gay disasters with each other. Ortega is already done with their inability to communicate like functioning humans.

Dimitri respects Argent as a powerful and intelligent fighter. She may not think much of him yet but they can probably bond in their love of sweet food and their habit of stealing everyone else’s food. His flirty nature got Argent to crush on his villain persona, which confused his gay ass.

The way Herald treats him confuses him, particularly his genuinely nice disposition towards him and his admiration for him, not to mention poor Herald’s crush. He trains him to be a better hero (honestly Herald, you are embarrassingly easy to beat up) and he is finding himself actually liking the kid. He has like a hundred nicknames for Herald (Barold is probably his favorite) and loves to fluster him. It’s amusing to see how embarrassed he can make him.

He and Dr. Mortum have a close relationship and Dimitri considers him a close friend. Around Mortum, he’s much more natural and true to himself, which shocks him as he didn’t expect to like Mortum this much. He loves to nerd out with Mortum in his lab.

Yes, he has flirted with all of the Rangers and Dr. Mortum (and will flirt with any other characters if it’s an option). Please stop him, he doesn’t even mean to do it most of the time.

He does his best to be respectful of Eden’s body as he still sees him as a person, albeit one that won’t wake up, as opposed to an empty shell or a tool. Eden’s body simultaneously relieves his dysphoria and worsens it. While it makes him feel good to be in a body that isn’t branded as nonhuman and better fits how he sees himself, it also reminds him that he can’t ever really be like that. That he can’t ever get rid of his tattoos and likely won’t get an opportunity to surgically transition. Regardless, he does like the freedom that Eden’s body gives him that he just doesn’t have in his own body. As Eden, he more often than not is exactly like he usually is as Dimitri but with much more confidence and without the self-hatred, anxiety, and paranoia. How he is as Eden is essentially how he’d be if the Farm didn’t fuck his mental health.

Villainy:

Dimitri sees his fall into villainy as inevitable and uncontrollable. He has convinced himself that his friends would only try to stop him and that being a villain is the only way he can accomplish his goals. Additionally, he hates that he can’t stop himself yet he continues down the path of villainy as a form of subconscious self-punishment.

He named his villain persona Revenant as he has come back from the dead, in the eyes of his friends but also since he escaped the Farm, which he views as a real Hell on Earth. The Farm may have tried to kill who he is but he still clawed his way back out. I chose the name Revenant because of that and because the “Re” prefix fits the naming scheme of the series and cause he’s a Re-Gene. We hoard all the “Re”s in this household.

He chose the mysterious armor style and has the speed and telepathy upgrades. He’s very a speedy and sneaky fighter. Since Dimitri loves the drama of a cape, he chose to have a hooded cape.

He’s not a particularly good villain as he won’t kill people, excluding anyone associated with the Farm, and actually enjoys helping and saving people. Still, he couldn’t do what needs to be done as a hero or a vigilante so being a villain is his only option.

Ortega is suspicious of Revenant because he fought him like he personally knew him and was hesitant to finish him off or severely hurt him.

He’s on the anarchist path and aims to destroy the power structure of the corrupted government.

Dimitri has the revenge Heartbreak scar and will do anything to destroy the Farm. As stated before, he will eagerly break his no kill/harm rule to get back at anyone associated with the Farm. He would be incredibly violent and draw out their pain, taking a sick pleasure in torturing them. Deep down, that sadistic side of him would honestly terrify him but he would try to convince himself that anyone that helps the Farm deserves it.

On a lighter note, Dimitri sees his fellow Re-Genes as his siblings and family. He wants them to be able to have the freedom to be individuals and people. If he had to choose between helping his fellow Re-Genes or getting revenge on the Farm, he would instantly save his siblings, as much as it would crush him to not get back at the Farm.

Fun facts:

Dimitri has a guitar pick on a leather cord that he wears around his neck. The pick was a gift from Ortega sometime after they started dating. Ortega gave the pick to him for Valentines Day after playing a song for him and said “I pick you,” which flustered the hell out of Dimitri but touched him nonetheless. He left the necklace behind in Ortega’s home with the rest of his non-mission stuff during the Heartbreak fiasco. Ortega kept it and wore it after Dimitri’s “death”. It was a major comfort item for him. He gave it back to Dimitri when he came back.

He’s 6′ 1″. Ortega teases him since he’s one inch shorter than him and it absolutely bothers him enough to make him wear heeled boots so he can be taller. Eden is 5′ even and it absolutely drives Dimitri mad. Being so short hurts his brain. His villain suit makes him much taller at 6′ 9″, seeing the taller Rangers being so short makes him extremely happy.

He really liked Anathema’s piercings and was always curious about them when he first met him. After he expressed an interest in getting pierced, Anathema went with him to get pierced and he got a helix piercing in his right ear, a lobe piercing in his left ear, and a tongue piercing. After he gets top surgery he’ll get a ring piercing in his right nipple. 

Eventually, he’ll get a blue lightning bolt tattooed on the back of his neck for Ortega. If Ortega can finally commit to a tattoo, he might get a sun for Dimitri on the back of his neck. Who needs wedding rings when you can have ink beneath your skin dedicated to your significant other? Chen doesn’t seem the type to get tattooed and I can’t figure out anything to represent him so he’s left out of this headcanon for now >:T

Blue is his favorite color. It’s the color he chose for his suit as Sidestep, is the color Ortega and the Rangers use (blue being associated with his friends), and is the opposite color of his tattoos. It’s a color that brought him a lot of happiness. On the other hand, orange is his least favorite color. He hates it. It’s a bad reminder of his tattoos. As such, he’s grown to instinctively hate the color.

[aeronuzlockes]

Will From Grace update, or have you moved on from it? :x

Rest in Peace, From Grace

The author done fucked it up beyond repairs short of redoing it and it just wasn’t worth it. (Yes, I have moved on)

And I’m going to give you more than you asked for here. Like yes/no could suffice but I’ve been working up the nerve to give y’all my eloquent farewell and can’t truly be assed to do it so here’s the tea, right. The reason I’m not working on From Grace anymore...

 Only reason I worked on it as long as I did is because of the whole incident with Jelleh and Mae because before that happened, I was 20 steps out the door. Didn’t want to do it anymore. Got some long time fan telling me that using the correct pronouns for someone was a respect that had to be earned not freely given through the course of like  7 essay comments until I blocked the stupid asshole (Yeah everyone thinking I was snapping at Jelleh? I was snapping at that asshat 2 months after the fact bc he took his whiny ass to Jelleh’s journal to agree with him). Mae bullied how many people out of the community? And I got so many messages from people who were like “I’m glad you said something because I was too afraid to because of who would get involved”. The highlight was Mae sending me a message that began with a paragraph saying that I was just trying to salvage my “reputation” and I don’t know about the other 5 paragraphs bc I had better things to do with my time, but I got a good laugh out of the first part.

So I kept going out of pure spite- wasn’t going to the next nuzlocker bullied out by Mae. 

and I am out of spite after using it all to do something positive instead for once, had a huge emotional breakdown that lasted an entire year starting the summer of 2017 from extreme gender dysphoria which is when the updates started dying off in the first place, the nuz community is honestly better off without my bitter dumb bitch self lmao, I’m better off not being in it right now, and I’m in love with DnD and want to do my own original work. 

So it’s been real, y’all, but I’m p much done here... Specially after leaving the discord server with one final “fuck you” that I wouldn’t say I’m proud of... but it got my ass to stop hanging around waiting for a non-dramatic time to quietly leave. (that was my plan- to leave quietly. I. fucked. that. up. in a manner. that Leaf. would be proud of. but that’s not actually a good thing)

I have been kicking around the idea of a collab nuz comic with the dnd squad but we haven’t finished the game yet so... ??? not likely? but maybe? and with me just drawing for the most part

I will probably continue to reblog random nuzlockes that look nice that I’m not actually reading bc I can draw my own stuff or read other people’s and I’m focusing on me right now. But don’t expect anything fresh on the nuz from this cat because I’ve been done since 2015 and canceled since 2017.

Hat’s off to y’all having fun in this corner of the internet. We may see each other again- perhaps not. If you liked what you saw here, you can follow @aerorwen for lots of gay art and portraits and people it’s a lot of DnD angst which is fun. Leaf is a half-orc druid and Arnold is her wyvern in that verse. Its a real fun time.

Alas, 4 years is far too short atime to live among such excellent and admirable nuzlockers. I don't know halfof you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half aswell as you deserve.

So long, and may your horse never be an ass.

bye

[nyxi-styx]

Reflecting

I don’t normally do a year in review, but this was such an interesting year of ups and downs. That meme about “I was somehow living both my best life and worst life simultaneously” is true. At least in my case.

January to March didn’t bring me much of anything. I did, however, start working on my drawing skills. I didn’t stick to it as much as I would have liked, but I’ve found that I’m actually really good at drawing in the Rick & Morty style. Unfortunately, I was also raped this year. It wasn’t forceful or violent and I was afraid to say “no” verbally, but my body language and resistance should have been clue enough that I did not want it.

In April, I was able to go and meet Sean Astin at Indiana Comic Con. It was brief, but memorable. He was so sweet and funny and undeniably handsome. I was glad I was able to make that dream come true for my mom and that she and my little sister could enjoy their first convention with me. 

In May, I got to be with my very best friends again in Los Angeles where we were able to explore gorgeous Santa Monica. I became closer with a friend I’ve confided in regularly for quite some time. I did not get to meet Andrew Scott again, which was heartbreaking, but I did get a wonderful, intimate convention experience with so many other Sherlock people I love, particularly Sian Brooke. A week later, I got to see @therealjacksepticeye live on stage in Indianapolis at the Old National Center, which was quite a fun experience. His “Positive Mental Attitude” movement has really gotten me through a lot this year which led me to getting my fourth tattoo in June. Immediately after that, I was fortunate enough to attend Indy Pop Con for a second time and meet @crankgameplays

In July, I was given the privilege and honor of being the photographer for my aunt’s long-awaited wedding, which was a beautiful and intimate affair. I also had the pleasure of seeing Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson live in concert at their Twins of Evil Tour Indianapolis show, both artists which were on my bucket list. It was truly something to behold and won’t easily be forgotten.

From late June to late September, I was in a relationship which caused me to learn a lot about myself. Unfortunately, I had to end it when it became clear that we were just far too incompatible to continue. Honestly, I don’t wish her any ill, but I hope she learns some things about life and relationships. It boiled down to immaturity and anticipating/understanding my needs the way I did with her.

August saw me abruptly quit a job I had been with and loved for a year due to an abusive change in management. The old manager had been a friend and a wonderful leader. The new manager was verbally abusive to all employees, paranoid, neurotic and so many other things. I literally could not handle it mentally anymore and left after my shift, never to return. I’m not proud of that, but I had to do what I had to do for my own mental wellbeing. I immediately started looking for a new hotel job, but was left unemployed for a month. I just barely managed to keep my head above water.

In September, I started my new job at an upscale hotel in Downtown Indianapolis that is part of the Marriott franchise. It’s different in many ways from the hotel I used to work at and I’m still trying to find my groove, but I work with some really wonderful people and I have an amazing boss again. He’s a great leader and very friendly and down to earth. I was also able to go and see Pentatonix in concert with my cousins. Another fantastic experience. It was so much fun and I’ll cherish that memory for a very long time. Later that same month, I hosted friends at my home and was able to attend my final Supernatural convention in Indianapolis. I got some wonderful photos and was able to be on stage again for karaoke. I can’t think of a better end to my attendance at these conventions. Especially considering that weekend’s Saturday Night Special was, by far, the best I’d ever attended. I wish I could continue to go, but their increased prices that don’t seem to have a ceiling are preventing me from going. I wouldn’t have been able to go to this one at all without the help and generosity of my friends.

In October, I was able to meet Tom Hiddleston. Unfortunately, it did not go as well as planned which unfortunately left be feeling a little flat and slightly brokenhearted, but it was still a good experience and I can’t quite believe I didn’t fail it entirely. As an added bonus, I got to meet Tim Jacobus who was part of my childhood in that he was the artist for the majority of the Goosebumps novels. I also finally got to work at my first ever haunted house and met some truly amazing friends in the process. Unfortunately, I did not get to celebrate my 26th birthday as I worked all day at both my regular full-time job at the haunted house, but I’m thankful that I had jobs to work at. I unfortunately also worked on Halloween which was soul-crushingly sad for me.

November, unfortunately is where everything got horrible. Everything was okay until Thanksgiving when I received a notice to vacate on my door. I am thankful it wasn’t an eviction notice. I was able to stay with a friend temporarily and I am forever grateful to her for opening her home to me. November was also the time in which I discovered Shane Dawson and I am glad I did because it was his humor and deep distractions that got me through the very difficult time between homes. He’s very relatable and him being so open and public about his own body dysphoria makes me feel seen and heard and understood. He refuses to let his bisexuality be erased. He’s an overall kind and genuine person.

In December, I have moved into a new, accessible cheaper place. I’ll be getting together with family at the holidays when I’m not working and overall I’m just going to keep doing the best I can. Oh and I’ve recently taken up makeup! I can’t wait to keep improving on that front as well.

Overall, it’s been a year full of both highs and lows. I cannot wait to see what things 2019 has for me.

[all-things-andrew-scott]

Reflecting

I don’t normally do a year in review, but this was such an interesting year of ups and downs. That meme about “I was somehow living both my best life and worst life simultaneously” is true. At least in my case.

January to March didn’t bring me much of anything. I did, however, start working on my drawing skills. I didn’t stick to it as much as I would have liked, but I’ve found that I’m actually really good at drawing in the Rick & Morty style. Unfortunately, I was also raped this year. It wasn’t forceful or violent and I was afraid to say “no” verbally, but my body language and resistance should have been clue enough that I did not want it.

In April, I was able to go and meet Sean Astin at Indiana Comic Con. It was brief, but memorable. He was so sweet and funny and undeniably handsome. I was glad I was able to make that dream come true for my mom and that she and my little sister could enjoy their first convention with me.

In May, I got to be with my very best friends again in Los Angeles where we were able to explore gorgeous Santa Monica. I became closer with a friend I’ve confided in regularly for quite some time. I did not get to meet Andrew Scott again, which was heartbreaking, but I did get a wonderful, intimate convention experience with so many other Sherlock people I love, particularly Sian Brooke. A week later, I got to see Jacksepticeye live on stage in Indianapolis at the Old National Center, which was quite a fun experience. His “Positive Mental Attitude” movement has really gotten me through a lot this year which led me to getting my fourth tattoo in June. Immediately after that, I was fortunate enough to attend Indy Pop Con for a second time and meet another Youtuber I enjoy, Ethan Nestor (CrankGameplays).

In July, I was given the privilege and honor of being the photographer for my aunt’s long-awaited wedding, which was a beautiful and intimate affair. I also had the pleasure of seeing Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson live in concert at their Twins of Evil Tour Indianapolis show, both artists which were on my bucket list. It was truly something to behold and won’t easily be forgotten.

From late June to late September, I was in a relationship which caused me to learn a lot about myself. Unfortunately, I had to end it when it became clear that we were just far too incompatible to continue. Honestly, I don’t wish her any ill, but I hope she learns some things about life and relationships. It boiled down to immaturity and anticipating/understanding my needs the way I did with her.

August saw me abruptly quit a job I had been with and loved for a year due to an abusive change in management. The old manager had been a friend and a wonderful leader. The new manager was verbally abusive to all employees, paranoid, neurotic and so many other things. I literally could not handle it mentally anymore and left after my shift, never to return. I’m not proud of that, but I had to do what I had to do for my own mental wellbeing. I immediately started looking for a new hotel job, but was left unemployed for a month. I just barely managed to keep my head above water.

In September, I started my new job at an upscale hotel in Downtown Indianapolis that is part of the Marriott franchise. It’s different in many ways from the hotel I used to work at and I’m still trying to find my groove, but I work with some really wonderful people and I have an amazing boss again. He’s a great leader and very friendly and down to earth. I was also able to go and see Pentatonix in concert with my cousins. Another fantastic experience. It was so much fun and I’ll cherish that memory for a very long time. Later that same month, I hosted friends at my home and was able to attend my final Supernatural convention in Indianapolis. I got some wonderful photos and was able to be on stage again for karaoke. I can’t think of a better end to my attendance at these conventions. Especially considering that weekend’s Saturday Night Special was, by far, the best I’d ever attended. I wish I could continue to go, but their increased prices that don’t seem to have a ceiling are preventing me from going. I wouldn’t have been able to go to this one at all without the help and generosity of my friends.

In October, I was able to meet Tom Hiddleston. Unfortunately, it did not go as well as planned which unfortunately left be feeling a little flat and slightly brokenhearted, but it was still a good experience and I can’t quite believe I didn’t fail it entirely. As an added bonus, I got to meet Tim Jacobus who was part of my childhood in that he was the artist for the majority of the Goosebumps novels. I also finally got to work at my first ever haunted house and met some truly amazing friends in the process. Unfortunately, I did not get to celebrate my 26th birthday as I worked all day at both my regular full-time job at the haunted house, but I’m thankful that I had jobs to work at. I unfortunately also worked on Halloween which was soul-crushingly sad for me.

November, unfortunately is where everything got horrible. Everything was okay until Thanksgiving when I received a notice to vacate on my door. I am thankful it wasn’t an eviction notice. I was able to stay with a friend temporarily and I am forever grateful to her for opening her home to me. November was also the time in which I discovered YouTuber, Shane Dawson and I am glad I did because it was his humor and deep distractions that got me through the very difficult time between homes. He’s very relatable and him being so open and public about his own body dysphoria makes me feel seen and heard and understood. He refuses to let his bisexuality be erased. He’s an overall kind and genuine person.

In December, I have moved into a new, accessible cheaper place. I’ll be getting together with family at the holidays when I’m not working and overall I’m just going to keep doing the best I can. Oh and I’ve recently taken up makeup! I can’t wait to keep improving on that front as well.

Overall, it’s been a year full of both highs and lows. I cannot wait to see what things 2019 has for me.