#But like... sometimes... I wanna... WRITE... when my brain and energy allow... ya feel me??

[hyaciiintho]

♦ What was a mildly annoying thing that has happened to you rp wise?

Munday Meme | ✿

🌸｡*ﾟ+. HMMMM... I'll have to hearken back to the Facebook roleplaying days... someone's muse had a crush on mine, but mine just viewed them as a friend? And then I started writing with a friend where our muses were together. So this person went around telling others that my muse broke their heart?? And then others started messaging me on there like Why did you do that??? and I was SO confused...

FB RPC tend to be very single ship (because y'know... the "relationship status" thing?) but I was one of the few who didn't do that. So I was. Very. Confused. And just sorta... bowed out LOL which sucks because I did enjoy writing with a good amount of people on there! But oh well... it eventually lead me to roleplaying on here, which !! Is by MILES far better than on there!

[wizkiddx]

without making this a sap story ive had some not so great news from home and am in one of them moods to not talk abt it. but i need a tom h to hug me , pls could u write something like that?

hey anon - i am sending u all my love, and hope things get a little easier for u as soon as possible. if u ever do wanna chat abt nothing or rant just send me a pm x  I hope this is at least somewhat what u were looking for <33

summary: life is sometimes not good, but your fave boy makes it just a little easier to deal with (with some original help from his brother too)

a bit angsty but i promise mainly fluff (and a popcorn fight?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What drew you out of the sort-of-trance was a two soft but firm knocks at the door - well Tom’s bedroom door. You’d been relaxing with him and Harry, watching the new ‘Line of Duty’ when your mum had called for the daily catch up. Admittedly, she had already tried to call you twice today but somehow you’d managed to miss both of them. On reflection, possible not that shocking because you’d been at a charity golf day with the boys which involved a fair amount of noise, chat and competition. 

Thankfully the boys had both done pretty well, Tom coming slightly ahead but that was the norm between the two. It meant they were both happily basking in their relative victories and not moody and grumpy like they are oh so often when things go wrong. Because to them, against your pleading, begging and sometimes lecturing…. golf was not just a game.  

You and your mum had always been very close, so usually speaking to her was uplifting and made you feel a little bit more complete - what with travelling with Tom for work, her voice was a slice of home. This time though, it was not so much the case. It was just sad news about your home town. Nothing directly to your family or close friends but still, it makes you feel generally down. 

Who knows how long it’d been since you’d hung up on the phone, just staring at the wall opposite. Everything felt just hollow and empty, lacking in meaning somewhat. You weren’t necessarily thinking, more like devoid of emotion, of thoughts, of anything. Just a bit cold. 

“Y/n…Y/n?” His voice sounded hesitant, as though scared he was interrupting your call. When you didn’t respond, the door cracked open and his fluffy head poked in, not that you noticed - your brain was still half absent. Tom on the other hand, was instantly looking you up and down, very much confused as the why you looked so rigid and not present. Noticing the phone was lying quiet on the bed in front of you, he felt safe to enter. He made a beeline for the bed, perching himself down on the edge, in-front of you - so he was blocking your fascinating view of the grey wall opposite. 

“What’s going on in that little head of yours?” His voice was soft and gravely, choosing not to put much energy into his vocal box as he rubbed up and down one of your arms. 

“Hmmm? Sorry, was miles away.”

“Could tell darl.” As he chuckled his eyes crinkled round the outside. “How was your mum?”

“Yeh…um okay, I-I guess.” As much as you wanted to shake yourself out of it, it just wasn’t that easy. Everything was laced with this underlying chilliness. 

“You sure? You dont really sound it?” 

“No, I um…well I’m not sure. I think I’m okay?”

“What happened?” You shook your head in response, making Tom press his lips together with a small nod. “ Don’t wanna talk about it huh?” 

“Not… not right now. Please?” 

With a permitting nod, Tom stood up and squeezed your hand, urging you to follow. Trailing behind him into the living room, he then instructed you to take a seat on the sofa adjacent to Harry, Tom himself disappearing back into the house. It made you pout a little, you wanted him to just look after you a little this evening but that self pity wasn’t allowed to last long - because a piece of popcorn flew into your cheek. You whipped your head around, with mouth open feigning shock, to see Harry smirking at you cradling a bowl full of other possible missiles in hand. 

“And what was that for?” He shrugged his shoulders, turning his head back to the TV.

“You looked sad.”

“…” Your mouth was open, no words coming out though, as you looked at the frizzy haired boy in bemusement. Sometimes you thought you understood how his head worked but at other points, the boy was a bloody mystery. Instead of explaining his thought process (because there almost certainly wasn’t one), he just smiled evily at you - wiggling his brows. And I know you know what that meant.

Sure enough by the time Tom reentered the room, arms full with different objects he’d collected round the house, the floor had been littered with popcorn kernels. You and Harry were squealing at each other as handfuls of the snack were catapulted vaguely at each other as you chased him round the room. It took Tom shouting at the both of you for you to freeze, slowly lowering your hands in ceasefire with a giggle. 

“I leave you alone for two minutes.”

“ It was his fault!” You protested, causing a 5 minute of ‘ he said-she said’ between the two of you, even if Tom wasn’t listening to the bickering. Instead, he quickly whizzed round the room picking up all the obvious popcorn bits and then spread out all the blankets he’d got from round the rented house on the sofa.

 You knew Harry, in his very own and special way, was only doing all this to cheer you up and you couldn’t appreciate it more. Your relationship with him had recently got so much closer, thanks to Tom being busy on set actually filming - while you and Harry just had some quality ‘almost sibling’ times. And now living with him too - naturally he had grown to know your tells almost as well as Tom. 

“Alright children calm down… thought we could watch movie?” Plopping himself down on the cream seat, Tom made grabby hands to you which of course you had to comply with. 

“I’ll um… I’m gonna leave you to- well to the being in love shit. It’ll make me chunder”

“We love you too bro” Tom called to Harry, who was already on his way out - but the tone of gratefulness in his voice was evident, he appreciated Harry noticing that the two of you could do with time together. 

“Don’t make it weird!” Harry’s response had you sniggering, as you pulled the fluffiest blanket over both you and Tom and nestling into his side. 

After a few minutes of Tom pretending to argue with you about film choice, before ultimately agreeing with your choice of ‘La la land’ as he always planned on letting you. The Holland boys were both very talented at subtly being a shoulder if needed, and yes you knew it was all an act - but you weren’t about to call him out. About halfway through he kissed the crown of your head and murmured. “Can tell you’re not watching darling.” He wasn’t wrong to be fair. Yes, you were looking at the screen - but your mind was far away from the plot line. 

“Sorry I um… minds like a runaway train sometimes.” Tom released a breathy chuckle at that before murmuring a ‘come ‘ere’ to you as he all but lifted you up from sitting by his side. You ended up lying almost onto of him, with both of Tom’s strong arms holding you tightly to him. Smiling into his chest, you nestled closer so the soundtrack to the movie played over the top of his constant thudding heartbeat. It took a few moments of you both just staring into the screen, completely contented for Tom to speak, squeezing you slightly tighter whilst the two of you watched Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone twirling on the road.

“I gotchu now lovie” 

And you swore then that all the thoughts racing in your mind were outpaced by those of a different kind. Still intense ideas, ones that buzzed round your brain, but these were happy. Thoughts of ‘how could I be so lucky’ and ‘I love this man with my whole heart’. 

Apparently these thoughts were also a comfort because when Tom looked down at you after what must’ve been at least half an hour, you were spark out. Breathing deep and unchanging, eye locked shut and mouth slightly squashed against his chest so your lips were pressed together. But what made the boy physical pout was the way you relaxed hand was loosely balled round a fistful of his purple hoodie. As if you were clutching at him to keep him as close to you as possible. 

He felt so grateful - not only for you, but also for the fact that he had the ability to make it a little better. You didn’t need him - Tom swore you were one of the most fiercely independent people he’d ever met - yet it was clear you wanted him. You wanted him when you felt down, the same way you wanted to be around him when you were overly hyper and chatting pure rubbish. You didn’t want him because he was the ‘Tom Holland’ you wanted him because he was Tom. 

He couldn’t fix what was going on back at your home (I mean right now, he still didnt even know what was going on). But he did know how to make everything just a little less shit. He knew how to be your person. 

And that would forever be job Tom was most proud of.

once again sending u all lots of love (esp u anon 💕)

would love to know what u guys think if ya made it this far ;)

tagging (link to join) : @hallecarey1 @hollandfanficlove

[catboyshinsou]

sick headcanons!

anon request: i love your writing smmm !! 🥺 can i request mha sick hcs where they take care of the reader when they don’t feel well 🥺 you choose who !! <3333

a/n: sorry it took so long <//3

pairings: Kaminari, Kirishima, Tokoyami and Monoma x sick,g/n!reader

warnings: none rlly, mention of throwing up in monoma, slight manga spoilers

can be seen platonically and romantically <3

kaminari:

Tbh i think he’d be quite Useless

Just rlly panicky n stuff bc what the fuck does one do with a sick person???

*walks into your dorm* “hey y-n wanna- WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOK TERRIBLE”

*you in a blanket and not having enough energy to be offended* “i think i’m dying” “y/n WHAT”

He’d try his best regardless tho

He goes to sato and helps with doing something soothing and welcoming

On his way back to your dorm he passes aizawa and tells him you’re sick in THE worst way

“Oh yeah Aizawa-sensei, y/n is dying-” “THEY’RE WHAT”

Kami would definitely storm into the room with him and be just as worried

What if it was something really serious??? Like the plague?????

They find you just laying in bed, sniffling and groaning

Turns out it wasn’t the plague and just a bad flu

Flu with its whole jazz, you had a fever of 38C and you could barely move

Aizawa got you excused from classes for about a week and left again

Kami just stood there with his soup and went “oh thank god you're not dying”

like i said i think he'd be useless but try his best

he checks up on you every half hour either in person or via text during classes

he brings you stuff like blankets and foods even though you can't taste any of them or have any type of appetite

but! thanks to the fridge in your room you just had snacks for about… forever

he gave you extra attention too

sometimes he'd just sit on the ground and talk about his day and theories while you just laid under your blanket

you appreciated it though

except for aizawa, sato and tsuyu nobody came over and even they just came in every few hours

kami stayed for hours on end and even tried to convince aizawa to let him sleep over so he could “watch over you” incase you “stopped breathing”

it's not like you slept much when he was around anyway, nights were not ideal for a good rest on a sick day

it was endearing seeing him lay on a futon on the floor and poking you when he had to get up for class

he leaves notes and stuff to make sure you didn't get worried

did he do anything to make you feel better physically? not rlly

did he lift your spirits and make you feel less lonely? most definitely

kirishima:

hear me out

this boy is an angel when it comes to caring for people

when he got into the whole essentially self care stuff he also knows what's best for others

he was probably one of the first to notice you being ~off your game~

whether in class or just yknow vibing, he'd tap your shoulder and softly “you okay man?”

he calls everyone dude and man and bro no matter gender or anything he's just that into the manliness stuff

and yes he puts you in essentially self isolation more for yourself than for others

“your body needs to rest y/n! can't properly get better if everyone keeps bothering you!”

he calls you every night tho and he has aizawa bring you stuff when he checks up on you (he's allowed because he's the teacher ofc also as long you're a UA student like one of your legal guardians which is like a dad and dads can see their kids sick right?)

stuff ranges from just bowls of soup to compresses to the handmade ointment against a sore throat to like socks he knitted or something his parents sent in bc he told them you were sick

yes this boy tells his parents you're sick

i mean someone probably told yours but like twice the parents means twice the comfort!

alternatively if your parents are *cough* he'd tell his parents and put you on the phone with them because everyone needs some parental love from time to time (don't act tough about it, he's gonna make you cry and tell you how manly you are for doing so)

when you're back on your feet he probably still treats you like you're about to fall over for like two or three days more

he praises you for how well you did during your essential quarantine and when you say you didn't do anything he says some cheesy stuff about manliness

“bro i'm so proud of you for getting through it!” “i didn't do anything kiri-” “don't say that! it takes so much energy and manliness to keep in self isolation and get better, you did amazing”

tokoyami:

i love birds

also look at baby toko he's so cute

do birds get sick?

anyways

tokoyami is like.. helpful but tries to be undercover about it

he's not gonna ignore you or anything

he's the type to like silently nudge teachers into your area so they could see you were clearly sick and send you back to the dorms to rest

but he'd never actually ask you or tell anyone

it would ruin his whole ~vibe~

dark shadow tells him to tell someone and he rlly does especially if he sees you struggling through it in class but he's also just not great at talking with people so a nudge or “secret note” will have to do

it does work, you're in your dorm right before combat training because mic had sent you up and excused you

mic is sweet he said he'd send aizawa up when he finds him but that you should rest

he also tells you that you have some really attentive friends

you're at this point just letting the sickness take over you so you have no idea what he just said (you heard him but the words just didn't register in your brain)

you get into bed and the first thing you do is sleep through afternoon classes

tokoyami is only at 50% today and so is dark shadow

tokoyami swears he isn't worried, the teachers are capable of taking care of you in an appropriate manner so that you will recover in no time

dark shadow on the other hand is all gittery and doesn't wanna focus on anything but you

off topic but i just think dark shadow is tokoyamis way of showing emotions or well like… like his internal thoughts? not like his internal dialogue but ya know his feelings

so he can act all goth and dramatic but dark shadow is a good way of still giving some of his feelings an output

back to you

so training is over and so is your nap

but you wake up to pillows, stuffed animals, blankets and more pillows surrounding you

half of them weren't yours either

they laid around you like some kind of pillow fortress jusy surrounding you and making sure you didn't hit your head on the wall or fall from the bed

it kinda felt like a nest- oh

you tried getting up, your head almost immediately flinging uoh back into bed but you needed to see if a certain someone would come back in to build the nest

“dark shadow, be quiet we don't want them to w- oh you're up”

tokoyami came in with more stuffies and an extra blanket like it was a siberian winter and your rooms only source of warmth was an almost dying candle

“are those yours?” you asked half asleep, your head absolutely booming

you could barely keep your eyes open, that's how exhausted you were but you made an effort to smile at the bird and his shadow

“uh no, yaomomo-san insisted on making some blankets for you and hagakure-san, ashido-san and uraraka-san gave me all their stuffed animals when they heard i was paying you a visit-” “but the blue star blanket and teardrop pillow are from fumi!! he brought them from home because he can't sleep without them!!” “DARK SHADOW!”

you only chuckled before breaking out in a cough again

aizawa came in some time after and had a hard time finding you under all the blankets and stuffies and even offered to tell the class to stop bothering you

but you just laid there all cozy and told him to let them be

“it's how he shows affection, it's nice”

monoma:

oh so the 1A student got sick??? huh??? I thought 1A was invincible hUUUUUUH??? *manic laughter*

coughs

anyways

so basically the two hero courses are more “in tune” after the joint training

they often have dinners together and it isn't rare to see kendo come over with monoma and tetsu^4

she came over to hang with the girls and tetsu had training sessions with kiri

nobody rlly knew why monoma tagged along though

all he did was spout about how average everything is for the “superior hero course”

he did secretly like the classes growing together more though

he'd sit on the couch with you and occasionally laugh about something else other than his team beating yours during joint training

one day he came in and didn't see you at your usual spot

“ehhhh??? where's the only tolerable person in this course??”

used to his lowkey insults deku pointed you out at the dinner table, head resting on your hand and looking over some homework

“y/n what are you- oh my god you look horrible”

“thanks monoma, you're as nice as ever”

your face was drained of any colour, eyes heavy lidded and you could barely control the pen that scribbled over the paper

he tried grabbing your wrist but pulled back immediately

you were way too hot and the fact that he noticed by grabbing your wrist meant that it was more than just a high fever

“is 1A that incompetent that they couldnt even notice their classmate falling sick??? can you guys do anything but trouble???”

“shut up monoma, we tried getting them to bed but they insisted on finishing up first and there's nothing in the world that can get y/n away from what they've put their head to”, kaminari yelled from the living room space

how were you gonna get anything finished if your head was falling off your shoulders if you didn't hold it up

class 1A really was incompetent

“sato-san, give me a hand”

sato, who was currently cooking up dinner, just held out his hand and some type of chocolate bar which monoma grabbed and ate up

“this is incredibly sweet, i don't know how you do it”

it's become like half a routine for monoma to copy quirks for whatever reason

kiri and tetsu used it to determine which quirk was handier

uraraka’s quirk made cleaning up after a game night easier

it was training for all of them

monoma could train his copy and the others could measure how much they've grown from his reaction to it

anyways

sato’s quirk kicked in and he lifted you up over his shoulder

“monoma!” you could barely lift your voice, faintly kicking

before you knew it he placed you on your bed in your dorm and sighed

“you're lighter than i thought”

“i think i'm gonna throw up”

so you hurled into your garbage can

monoma held back whatever there was to hold back

(he was very much disgusted but even he knew that this wasn't the time to let any type of negative emotion show)

“jolly gees y/n, what did you have for breakfast?!”

you laid in bed as he passed you a water bottle

“you need to drink something, you lost a lot of water”

“awe caring for me, monoma?”

“this is for general health, y/n. i would never as much as care for anyone, especially not a brat from 1A. who even knew that any of you could fall sick huh?! weren't you supposed to be superior to the rest of us??!”

he said all of that while putting a blanket on you and opening the window for fresh air

“god you 1A fools really are incompetent!”

he went into your bathroom and soaked a small towel in water

“i'm only doing this so you don't infect anyone. god you could cause an epidemic at UA and in the end 1b would fall victim to you as well! this is all just for the general well-being!”

you didn't even hear what he was saying anymore

with a half empty bottle next to your head, you slept peacefully

monoma let out a deep breath when he saw you

“i'd never care for anyone in 1A, i'm better than that…”

he whispered those words to himself

(he did care)

[gottawriteanegoortwo]

Damstache - Stay the Night

(Sometimes... You just gotta be self-indulgent and write a rarepair. Bonus if you finish the fic and completely forget about it)

Damien and Wilford have been taking it slow since their first meeting. This looks at their first night together.

Word count: 1,460

-

Wilford was sure he was the luckiest man in the world. Somehow, despite his associations with violence and his reputation of actively seeking people in committed relationships he had a chance encounter with a beautiful man who was willing to overlook all that for a promise of honesty. All Damien had to do was smile, and Wilford knew he was doomed from the start. He couldn’t bear to consider the possibility of breaking the young mayor’s heart!

But as they started going on dates to quiet locations that Damien wouldn’t be recognised, Wilford learned something interesting. Damien had been so focused on wanting to do good for others that he had never taken time to look for a romantic partner of any sort and enjoy life beyond work. Anyone else who asked him out had been rejected. Wilford wasn’t sure how he avoided the cut, but he promised himself that he’d make the most of it and show Damien the joys of being in a relationship.

Date night on this occasion was a Friday evening in Wilford’s home. Dinner was ordered to enjoy while they watched a movie. They sat on the couch together, Damien’s head resting on Wilford’s shoulder, hands loosely interlocked. The reporter wasn’t at all surprised when he glanced down to ask Damien something and noticed Damien had dozed off. Being a mayor was exhausting, Wilford had quickly learned, which was why many of their dates were ‘low-energy’. Not that Wilford minded. It was a nice change from his normal approach of ‘fast, frantic and intense’, which in turn allowed him to better appreciate the here and now. Maybe that was why he was able to remember more of their dates.

A door slamming on the TV startled Damien awake, who immediately began apologising for ‘ruining the night'.

“Whoa, angel, it’s okay. Yer exhausted. We can watch it another time. I don’t remember what happened.” Wilford had been a little too preoccupied with doting over his sleeping beauty. 

“It might be for the best. I should be able to get a taxi at this time…” Damien slowly stood up so he could start the search for his phone.

“Why don’t ya stay th’ night?” Wilford’s question had Damien freeze.

“I-I don’t think that’s appropriate. You’re a good man, Wilford, but we’ve only been dating three months.” Both men shared an equally confused look.

“Sure it’s appropriate. I wanna share my bed with ya.”

“W-what?” Damien’s face quickly flushed as he scrambled to grab his phone off the coffee table like it was an act of self-defense. “I thought we had agreed to take this slow.”

“I don’t see how…. Ohhhh.” At last, the penny dropped and Wilford laughed in embarrassment. “I wasn’t askin’ if y’d sleep with me. I wanted ta know if y’d sleep with me!”

“That’s the same thing?”

“Noooo! No, no! I mean, like, a sleepover! I give ya some sorta pyjamas, an’ we fall asleep together in my bed! It’d be like cuddlin’ on th’ couch except, y’know, not on a couch. An' we'd have a blanket.” The blathering explanation helped lift the stress off Damien’s shoulders. He glanced down to his phone and, with a wistful smile, put it down on the table.

“I think I’d quite like that.”

-

He wouldn’t tell Damien, but Wilford went out of his way to make the preparation for bed as goofy and light-hearted as possible. Even if they were simply sharing a bed, the miscommunication had made poor Damien’s nerves jump, and that wasn’t fair at all! It was why they spent a solid twenty minutes going through the contents of Wilford’s wardrobe to decide which pyjamas Damien should wear. According to Wilford, it needed to be ‘as cute as possible’, so not just anything would do. It was also a chance to show off his clothes, like the tank top with a cartoon pair of sneakers wearing matching sunglasses, or his pink bear onesie. The sillier, the better, all to make Damien smile.

“Wait! This oughta do!” A pale grey hoodie was pulled out from a shelf, and Damien was quick to grab the rest of the bundle before it toppled to the floor and return it to the rightful place. “This is a lounge hoodie. It’s made from fluffy pj material so ya can cuddle an’ be all soft in it!” He offered a sleeve to Damien, who couldn’t help but agree that it was exactly as described. It was hastily placed in Damien’s arms as inspiration struck. “Oh! An’ it’d look so cute with these pants! They’re comfy an' stylish.” The pants - black with pink moustaches dotted around them - were held out on full display with such bravado that Damien snorted.

“You really do buy everything that has a moustache theme, don’t you?”

“Bonus points if it’s pink,” Wilford winked.

-

The pair took turns in the bathroom to perform their night time routines. While waiting for Damien, Wilford began quickly tidying around to make sure everything looked perfect. He made the bed twice, and fluffed the pillows as hard as possible to make them super soft. Then, as he debated whether to grab a teddy bear to give Damien, out came the Mayor.

Damien was not as large as Wilford, which meant the hoodie turned into a glorified night gown. So much so, the end of the sleeves needed to be rolled up to reveal his hands. The pyjama pants had elastic at the waist, so at least they could safely stay in place. With his hair loose and casually brushed to the side, Wilford couldn't ignore the reality that he was dating the cutest man in the entire world. He would gladly kill for Damien.

"It doesn't look too ridiculous, does it?" Damien wrung his hands in a familiar act of nervousness. Wilford hurried over, pulled Damien close, and kissed both cheeks.

"Yer too fuckin' cute, angel."

The couple enjoyed cuddling on the couch, so it was a natural progression once Damien gained a little more confidence about sharing a bed. At first, they sat together like they would on the couch and chatted casually. Then, once Damien grew tired, they settled to sleep, opting to take a half of the bed each. Wilford did find himself staying awake a little longer to make sure Damien was sound asleep, before rolling over and dozing off.

--

Just as the sun began to rise, Wilford was yanked out of sleep with the sensation of something pressing against his stomach. His eyes shot open in case that blasted librarian in his dream had gone through with their idea of using the ivy from a garden store to put people into giant empty books, only to instead see someone curled up against his side with an arm draped across the reporter’s stomach and their head against his chest. For an instant, he couldn't remember what happened last night, but relief quickly swamped him as the memories came back to him. 

“Mornin’, Damien.” Wilford lifted a hand to rest on Damien’s shoulder and rub small circles with his thumb. 

“Mmrgh,” the eloquent mayor murmured against Wilford’s chest. He took a long breath in to give himself the energy to move, but only went as far as leaning more against Wilford to look up at him. “Sorry… I felt warmth beside me." His hair was a mess and his eyes were heavy with sleep, but Wilford couldn't shake the fact that Damien was utterly adorable. As though aware of the thoughts bouncing around Wilford's mind, he smiled as he quietly added, "Plus, I've never woken up beside someone before… It's a nice feeling."

"Isn't it? Lyin' in bed, feelin' all relaxed with yer lover beside ya… It's like th' rest of th' world doesn't exist."

Damien hummed in agreement, settling back against Wilford. "I should have believed you last night. I'm sorry if I made things awkw-" Wilford interrupted with a shush and a quick squeeze.

"I should've asked th' question better. I'm sorry for scarin' ya. But I'm glad ya decided ta stay. It's Saturday, an' we're not workin' today…" Wilford trailed off with a raised eyebrow.  Damien, with a brain that refused to wake up, squinted at Wilford with a frown as he tried to figure out what was supposed to finish that sentence. Fortunately, Wilford could see the struggle. "It means we can go back ta sleep. Th' world's not lookin' fer us right now."

Now that sounded like a plan Damien could work with. He gave a content hum as he nestled against Wilford again. This time, he felt Wilford's arm keeping him close. As he quickly surrendered to sleep, the thought crossed his mind as to whether this was what 'home' meant.

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @changingthefairy-tale​

What are you working on right now? Right now, I’m focused on BellarkeFic-for-BLM (I just got an amazing canon prompt I’m really excited to finish). I’ve also been participating in this round of the Chopped Challenge, which has been fun and challenging. In between prompts, I’ve got two WIPs that I’m slowly cranking through. Shoutout to every single reader who’s been incredibly patient while I’ve been so slow on those updates — though, reminder that you can donate to a BLM organization (even a $3 donation works) and request an update to get those higher on my prio list while I’m focused on that initiative.

What’s something you’d like to write one day? My absolute dream job and the ultimate goal is to become a showrunner for a prime time TV show. I love TV shows — I love the way actors and directors and crew take a script and breath life into it, I love how you take a general idea for a story and mold it into something amazing as you go, I love how a series gives a story more time to be fleshed out and explored, I love the concept of a writers room and collaborating on a story. It’s a different ballgame from fic writing (which I do for fun) and travel writing (which I do for a living), but I’m determined to make it happen. JRoth, I’m coming for your job, babe. 😉

What is the fanwork you’re most proud of? I’m still really new to fic writing, especially compared to some of the powerhouse writers in this fandom. And I’m sure one of my WIPs (when finished) will probably supersede this. BUT, my one-shot about Madi calling Bellamy on The Ring (She called you for 2,199 days) is something I’m really proud of. I’m a long-winded writer, so one-shots have never come naturally to me. This one just…clicked. It’s got some good lines in there that I’m proud of, and based on the feedback I’ve gotten, it really made readers feel something and connect to the story. It’s not my longest story or my most thought-out. But it shows my growth as a writer these past few months, and I’m proud of that.

Why did you first start writing fic? I started writing fic as a creative outlet for my writing. My day job is writing about travel and credit cards. And while I enjoy that, it’s just not as creative. My dream is to write for a TV show though, and I was craving a way to flex my creative writing muscles in a low-stress way. I started watching The 100 when it first came out, but I didn’t really get into the fandom until I came back to the show during the S5/6 hiatus. That’s when I started reading fics and reblogging stuff about the show on Tumblr. During the S6/7 hiatus, I had this idea for a Greys Anatomy AU, and my sister (who is also a major fan of the show) was like, “You literally write things for a living. If you want to write a Grey’s AU for t100, there is absolutely nothing stopping you.” I published my first chapter on that The Choices We Make in Dec. 2019, and the rest is history.

What frustrates you most about fic writing? For me, I think that the most frustrating thing isn’t even about fic writing itself; it’s the fact that it’s a side-hobby and not something I can dedicate my full attention to. When you write all day for your day job, then do some for your freelance gig, and then turn around and try to write for a few hours every night for fic… that gets hard sometimes — especially since starting quarantine where I’m not traveling, going out with friends, getting a break from it, etc. Fic writing is a creative release for me, and I absolutely love crafting and writing these stories that involve some of my favorite fictional characters. And I love interacting with other writers and fic readers, I love talking about ideas and exchanging headcanons and fangirling over my favorite writers’ works. But (because there’s always a but), sometimes I just don’t have the mental energy or capacity to write at the end of the day when I’ve turned in 3 deadlines for work. I’ve got all these ideas floating in my head, but only so much time and mental energy I can dedicate to it.

What are your top five songs right now? Oh boy. So I live alone, which means I’ve got either music or Netflix on in the background 24/7 because ya girl doesn’t like silence. I have a different playlist for different moods. I’ll share my fav song from each of those playlists. Lol Fvck Somebody by The Wrecks (On my “Summer state of mind” playlist for when I wanna dance it out in my kitchen like an idiot)

Don Quixote by Drapht (On @talistheintrovert​’s “My Good Bitch Murphy” playlist for when I’m feeling *edgy*)

that way by Tate McRae (On my “Pandemic Jams” playlist bc I like angsty music and this song is a Bellarke MOOD)

Washington on Your Side from Hamilton (On my “Feeding my Broadway Obsession” playlist for when I wanna sing show tunes and plot overthrowing the government)

Tea by Noah Davis (Shameless plug for Noah bc it’s a bop and I literally dated Noah’s older brother in junior high — so proud of this kid for making his dreams a reality)

What are your inspirations (books, songs, other fic, really good cake)? All of the above, except I like pie more than cake. lol But really, I kind of use everything around me for inspiration. “The Choices We Make” is inspired by my love of Grey’s Anatomy. ���Intertwining your soul (with somebody else)” is inspired my the first draft of my YA novel (though the setting was adapted to a grounder canonverse AU). “The Day He Shut That Rocket Door” and “She called you for 2,199 days” were inspired by @historyofbellarke‘s headcanons that were brought up in S7 speccing conversations (shoutout to her for enabling my angsty ass). My most recent WIP “There are some things written in the stars” that I started as part of Chopped (but will continue because I’m obsessed with the idea) is inspired by my love of Timeless. And I have an entire Notion database filled with fic ideas — some one-shots and some multi-chapter fics — that are inspired by quotes, songs, conversations with friends, books I love, shows I adore, random HCs that pop into my head while I watch, my own life experiences, etc. I take inspiration in any form it decides to come in. 💕

What first attracted you to Bellarke? What attracts you now? I’m a ho for enemies to lovers — the idea that you can put your worst foot forward and show someone all the ugly parts of you… and that they’ll see that and somehow look past it to see the good stuff too, falling in love with your whole self instead of just the pretty parts. Yeah, it’s my favorite romance trope. And that tension is what originally drew me to Bellarke. Now, it’s a combination of things. I love each of these characters in their own right. I relate to Clarke in a lot of ways, and I aspire to be her level of badass. I straight adore Bellamy Blake (flaws, stupid decisions, and all) and would marry him in a heartbeat if he were real — I’m not even kidding. lol But I also love their dynamic. They are partners, best friends, perfect compliments to the other. They see each other in a way no one else does, and they are the one person the other constantly risks everything for. They are both so driven by their responsibilities to their people, yet that all typically goes out the window the moment the other is at risk. I don’t believe in soulmates in real life, but it’s nice to get to believe in this fictional world that they are just made for each other.

BESIDES Bellarke, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? My favorite character besides Bellarke is John Murphy. His arc has been BY FAR the best on this show, going from that little shit in S1 to this “asshole we love” in the middle to now a true hero in this final season. And through it all Richard Harmon has been amazing to watch on screen.

My favorite pairing besides Bellarke is Linctavia. Yes, that ship is problematic in a lot of ways, but I still loved their dynamic. Lincoln helped Octavia navigate this new world that she was so desperate to be apart of while being mindful of her safety. And I thought they were a good match — he helped tame her fire without putting it out, and she helped challenge the way he was raised. Given time, I think they could have become one of the most stable and loving relationships on t100. Of course, that couldn’t happen because Jason needed Bell’s actions in 3A to have heartbreaking consequences, O to spiral for her own character journey, and whatever mess happened off-screen between Ricky and him. But they still remain my favorite ship aside from Bellarke.

Why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm? The second I saw that Sam was planning on doing this, I reached out to ask how I could help/write/be involved. The BLM movement is so important, and this is an amazing way for me to contribute while pursuing my passions. It’s a way for the fandom to get involved and do something good. And ultimately, this helps organizations that need donations. Shameless plug for everyone to please go check out the Bellarke Fic for BLM page — check out the many amazing writers and artists we have participating, and send in prompts. Most of us are allowing WIP chapter update requests, and there are a number of us (myself included) who are matching donations made! No donation is too small, and you’ll be supporting a movement that is a necessity in the U.S. and beyond.

What’s your writing process like? My mind is literal chaos, so I plan and outline like hell in order to make sense of everything. When I get an idea for a fic, it goes on my Notion database. Within Notion, I write down my inspiration for the idea, and a pretty in-depth summary of where I want the fic to go — dialogue ideas, any feelings/emotions I want to invoke, literally just a brain dump of all my ideas. From there, I’ll arrange that brain dumb into an outline. If it’s a one-shot, I’ll generally write the whole thing in the Notion doc. But multi-chapter fics will get a checklist within Notion for me to keep track of progress, and I’ll actually write the fic in Google Docs. I generally start writing from the beginning of a story, but if I get stuck or have an idea for a later scene, the fact that I’ve outlined heavily allows me to jump around as ideas come to me. I’ll read each one-shot or chapter after I’m done to make sure it flows before publishing. I post chapters for my WIPs as I write them, which I should really stop doing. lol For my readers’ sakes, I should work ahead and publish on a schedule rather than making them wait for my slow ass to finish chapter to chapter. But right now, that’s my process!

What are some things you’d like to recommend? Oh goodness, too many fics to possibly name. Instead, I’ll link to my AO3 rec bookmarks (which isn’t all-inclusive of the amazing fics I’ve read in this fandom, but it’s got some good favs in there) and shout out all of our awesome Bellarke Fic for BLM writers. Y’all should check out their work (and send in prompts)!

Where’s the best place to find you (twitter? tumblr?) I’m @changingthefairy-tale on Tumblr and @changingthefairy_tale on AO3! My ask box is always open for anyone who wants to scream about the show, ask about specs, talk about my fics, etc. Come say hey!

[badbitchwhomeditates]

Who the fuck is this bitch?!

Read that again. 

The answer is complex, not simple, which is what complex means you dumb fuck ( beep language kiddo). Ok, lets try that again...

Bad Bitch Who Meditates, a 23 year old singer with dreams bigger than the world itself, which is both a good and a bad thing, we will get to the importance of duality later. Either way she´s been struck by lightning and pushed into a corner loads of times in an industry where you have to fight to be heard and seen through the smallest of cracks. And yes I might also speak about myself in third person a lot, simply because I'm practicing being the main character from all perspectives, telling my story but also making everyday feel like an adventurous movie ( therefore the narrator vibes help).

Complaining, complaning, victim mindset bla bla bla you might think, im not gonna bore you, you know that things can be quite shit and you’ve probably heard about the `struggling artist” and all of that before. 

 Lets spread some more negativity shall we ey? 

Maybe not that either, im just welcoming you in to my brain and my stream of consciousness on the journey of becoming or remaining? we shall see.

Im not gonna be here being all fairy lights and glitter in my eyes either, I am tho some days, but lately I’ve been bad, not a bitch cause I would never, slightly a bitch towards myself and I haven’t really done my meditation, its like the second I put down ” bad bitch who meditates, thats my slogan” in a song, I was like, cool its in a tune now so I’ve done the work I can relax. 

Nope, it doesn’t stop. 

Consistency in self care, healthy habits and your mental diet, the way you speak to yourself, it doesn’t stop. And its fkn annoying sometimes, especially when your chemical imbalance is so imbalanced that you don’t wanna get out of bed. Ive probably dealed with anxiety and depression since my debut on X-factor, oh yeah shit sorry, I have a name too, Im Awa and I won X-factor Sweden at 15 years old, completely changed my life like a marriage, for better or for worse. In that marriage I found myself, lost myself and now im kind of finding myself again...

Ok this is the part below where you get to knoooow me or something...

 I guess why I wanted to start blogging again is A) I need to hold myself accountable to remain consistent with my glow up, cause I can proudly say I’ve really done some amazing progress and inner work B) I need to continue doing that and find my healthy balance and not put too much pressure on myself, ya get me? C) maybe help take away the stigma regarding mental health, and I wanna focus on the solutions, thats my whole new life concept 10 % problems, 90 % solutions, like if we are discussing something thats the ratio. Cause how can we ever see a solution if we go slow dancing w the problem for ages? 

 I know it can feel fkn amazing and cozy, like when you’ve been in bed w someone thats clearly not good for your heartstrings but you stay there anyway because for right now it feels all warm and fuzzy. 

Oh silly girl, I mean forgiveness, forgiving other people and forgiving myself that is def something we are going to have to discuss as well, its one of the things I’ve tried to commit to this year. Ive come to the conclusion that its harder forgiving yourself after being too nice, theres only so much space on the scale for resentment, but you go to bed with you all the time and you beat yourself up on why you allowed that to happen? (Did that make any sense??) 

Again, another lesson, feedback that we can grow from. Mind management, one of my fav terms, mind over matter. Damn sure that can feel extremely provocative said in the wrong situation. Im gonna be honest on here, ill make an oath or whatever its called ( oh yeah im also Swedish so we will have communication problems here and there, but whatever, I call that acceptance) ill be honest, personal but not private cause I need to protect my energy. 

I would declare myself a self care queen but babe writing this, I just had a massive argument w my friend, that made me sad ( oh im a cry baby too, thats even the title of my EP lol), I hate conflict but im really trying so hard to stand up for myself and understand that my feelings are valid too and that uncomfortable situations are growing pains for our souls. I had my first panic attack in ages because this year is just shit and things that I’ve worked on for so long just crumbled down in front of me and I just felt like I was again taking two steps forward and one step back but at least we are moving. 

Im not all sad, I’ve rightfully so have had a few bad 72 hours I would say, I don’t like this time of the year that much.  But I know why, because I've been slacking w my routines, the ones we´ve carefully selected through trial and error inna real life and w my therapist ( she's real too but you get what im sayin) , it's ok not to be ok either but we have to put some kind of time limit on it so we don't sink into that deep hole again, i don't wanna go back there and I know what keeps me with my head above water and sometimes even frkn flying. We wanna stay consistent w the flying, that feels good, that's a goal now ok? Cause I used to fall into that trap of the deep hole until the pain of the known got far greater than the fear of the unknown. 

Im happy we are here today, because as I said 10/90, nothing last forever, good or bad, which is comforting. Things will get better and we hold so much more power in our minds and souls than we realize that ultimately will mirror how we experience life. So im going to be on here, at least once a week, my therapist tells me not to set up crazy goals that I know I might not do because then it will make me feel shit etc so once a week feels reasonable.

 Im open to suggestions about what we can chat about, ill share my 10/90, I want my clever friends to maybe drop a quote or blog here and there, Im good on camera, like vlogs or some shit. I probably wont bring you around all the time cause I don’t have the technological brain cells for that to be very honest with you. Maybe ill just come up with cute formats to the camera, thats a word you are going to hear a lot, ”format”, I have a concierge business w my friend Amy on the side of my music career called ” Pure Intuition”, basically we create events, formats and campaigns for brands and make them come true with the right profile etc and we create FORMATS, but if you missed it or if I was unclear Im a super cool singer signed to Columbia UK which was my childhood dream, so we are going to make Columbia our BITCH in 2021 hihi <3 <3. I studied economic entrepreneurship in college and im very business savvy, I love creating formats lol. Im slowly but surely building my fempire. What else, boys, I like boys, men, cute ” god spent some extra time on you”- looking boys, I mean men. I guess we will touch on that in the most anonymous manner, maybe ill just share some past flings cause you know, they’re in the past, passé. So yeah who the fuck is this bitch? you will find out alongside me, myself and I

get ready for the ride

love and light,

badbitchwhomeditates 

[blissedoutphil]

Phil’s Road Trip Playlist

Thank you anon for the wonderful prompt, I hope you’re still around and I’m not too late at filling this! And I know you said fluffy and then sex but I got inspired to do something different so I’m sorry it doesn’t actually fulfil your prompt entirely :x but this could always mean a possible part 2 :~)

This is different from what I’m used to writing, I wanted to try something new and I really enjoyed it even if it doesn’t match up to my smut only fics lol. I hope you guys enjoy my first non-smut fic :)

7767 words of uni roommates!phan, angst, fluff, friends to lovers, songfic

Thank you for voting this to First Place in Undiscovered Fic category of the Phanficawards 2019 <3

or read on ao3!

“You alright?” Phil asked quietly, slinging his bag off his shoulder and dropping it to the floor before cautiously moving towards the motionless body in the bed opposite his.

His roommate didn’t answer him, just brought his blanket over his face.

Dan sighed. The only thing worse than sinking again is letting Phil see him sink again. He had tried. He’d tried to be better, stay better for the sake of Phil. If only so he wouldn’t have to see concern and worry and even sadness pool in those bright blue eyes. But sometimes he just couldn’t help falling back into the dark abyss of emptiness. What else could he do if everything is pointless anyways.

Dan felt the edge of his bed dip. He shut his eyes, not wanting to face the world. Not wanting to face his roommate and the fact that he’s a disappointment for letting his roommate down again. He knows Phil would never blame him, but deep down he blames himself for causing Phil so much worry.

Gentle hands pulled the blanket off his face. Dan blinked up, regretting it instantly when he saw Phil’s brows crease.

Phil hated seeing him like this. He knew that behind that lifeless stare was a warm hazel, full of wonder and awe. He loved seeing those eyes look back at him with excitement when they skip lectures for a movie, how they twinkle with hope when Phil assures him that everything will be fine in times when he couldn’t see anything positive in his future. Or in times when he couldn’t see himself even having a future at all.

“What happened?”

Whenever Dan was in this dark part of his mind, he just felt numb and emotionless. But Phil could simply say two words and suddenly his eyes stung with tears, his heart beat with fury and he felt too much all at once.

He wanted to answer Phil, wanted to yell at him, wanted to disappear. But he didn’t have the energy for any of that. All he could do was shrug and shut his eyes again.

Phil brushed away the curl that was covering Dan’s forehead. Dan can’t remember the last time he had a haircut, and he was sure that his messy tangled curls were definitely an unruly sight.

“Could you try to get up for me please? I know you haven’t eaten since yesterday and we should have lunch now,” Phil spoke softly, his words so full of care that Dan can’t deny his requests even if he wanted to.

Dan felt like his whole body was protesting as he tried to sit up. He’d been in bed since yesterday afternoon, and judging from Phil returning from school, it was probably past noon now. Still it didn’t feel like he’d had any rest at all. His mouth felt dry, but he didn’t have the appetite to eat or even drink.

“M’not hungry,” was all Dan managed to mumble out.

Phil bit his lip as he thought of how to coax Dan out of his bed. He knew that Dan always tried his best for him, even if he felt too exhausted to do anything. But he also didn’t want to push Dan too hard when he got like this. He took Dan’s hand in his.

Dan stared at his hand being sandwiched between Phil’s. Phil felt so warm around his cold hand. He slowly looked up at Phil quizzically.

“Let’s go for a drive,” Phil suggested softly.

Phil wasn’t a good driver; failed twice before finally getting his license and then never making use of it for a year after getting it despite having a car that was gifted to him by his parents for finally passing. Dan knew this and joked about how he would never risk his life being Phil’s passenger. But there was one day when Dan was falling into the darkness again, and he said something that stuck to Phil.

Dan talked about how he just wanted to feel free. The kind of freedom where he wouldn’t have to think about any responsibility he had, any failures or people he’d disappointed. The kind of freedom that he knew was temporary, but forgetting about his past and future to live in the moment would help him feel at peace even if just for a while until his mind was clear enough again to face his problems.

And Dan talked about how he’d feel that kind of fleeting freedom when he went on road trips. The vast fields and open skies as far as he could see down the never-ending road ahead gave him a sense of liberty. It shows him how big the world is, and how small his problems are in contrast. That there is so much more to life and what the world has to offer than his own worries and anxiety. And when he sees it that way, he’ll get more confident in trying to overcome his problems, instead of letting them eat him up instead.

Since then, Phil actually started practising his driving more. Dan was skeptical at first, but Phil insisted on driving him to campus one day. Dan thought he’d fear for his life, but it ended up being a really pleasant ride and he never made fun of his driving ever again.

“Where to?” Dan mumbled, staring at Phil’s thumb tracing circles on his hand.

“Anywhere. Nowhere, it doesn’t matter. But let’s just get out of here for a while,” Phil said, hoping for Dan to agree.

When Dan looked back up at Phil, all Phil could see was a cold, despondent stare that he was determined to bring warmth back into.

Dan’s whole body felt heavy, it was screaming at him to go back under the covers. But he looked at Phil, looked at his hopeful smile and his encouraging eyes. He already felt enough of a disappointment, he just couldn’t disappoint his best friend any further. 

So Dan gave a small nod, making Phil’s whole face light up. 

Phil quickly got up and grabbed a few pieces of clothing for both of them, shoving them into his backpack. Just in case. He didn’t know how long he’d need to drive before Dan felt better again. 

When he was done packing, he turned back to Dan whose eyebrows were knitted together as he looked at him. He was probably wondering why Phil needed to pack, but he didn’t voice it out. 

Phil came back to Dan’s bed and held onto Dan’s hands again. He gently pulled Dan up, and Dan pliantly allowed his body to be moved as Phil pleased.

“Let’s go,” Phil said excitedly, never letting go of Dan’s hand as he dragged his friend out of their room.

Dan immediately shut his eyes once he got settled in the car. The sun was blinding, and he felt like it was sucking whatever little energy he had left out of him. He just wanted to sleep. He trusted Phil to keep them both safe as he drove to wherever.

Phil looked over at Dan in dismay. He hoped that his plan would work, he just had to give Dan time. He was feeling hungry, having missed breakfast to attend his morning lecture and missed lunch to get back to Dan as soon as he could. So he decided to get them both food first.

Phil could tell that Dan wasn’t asleep because every now and then he would peek an eye open just to see where they were. So Phil knew that he wouldn’t be disturbing Dan if he filled the silence with music.

Dan’s brain was demanding him to sleep but shouting at him about all his worries at the same time. But through the loudness of his mind, he could still hear the song Phil started playing. 

Sleeping is giving in No matter what the time is Sleeping is giving in So lift those heavy eyelids

The lyrics hit Dan, and he opened his eyes and looked at Phil. He wondered if Phil chose the song on purpose.

“Oh sorry did you wanna sleep? I can turn it off-”

“S’fine,” Dan interrupted, “but what are you playing?”

Phil tried to hide his joy. That was the most he’d heard his best friend speak at once in the past few days.

“It’s my road trip playlist!” he responded excitedly.

People say that your dreams are the only things that save ya Come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehaviour

Dan grunted in what he hoped Phil understood as an approval before facing away from him again. He leaned against the window, staring blankly at the cars passing by. He thought about how his dreams could save him, if only they were attainable.

Dan had zoned out after that, liking the buzz in his head more than the song forcing him to be self-aware. But as Phil slowed into a driveway, he tuned back into the present.

“What d’ya wanna get?” Phil asked, stopping behind a queue of cars.

Dan looked around and realised that Phil had entered a McDonalds drive-thru.

Dan shrugged, “Anything.”

Dan knew that Phil knows Dan’s go-to order at McDonalds anyway. And Phil knew that Dan knew that, but he was just trying to get Dan to talk.

A few minutes later, Phil was shoving a big bag onto Dan’s lap. The aroma of the food did stir Dan’s stomach up. It growled as Dan salivated. The thing about sinking into the darkness was that even if he was hungry, he’d be too preoccupied with fighting against the demons in his head to realise. But with the food now right on his lap, he suddenly couldn’t wait to eat. He looked over at Phil.

Phil smiled at him, it was the first time that day that Dan’s gaze was more than just a blank, dead one. Phil thought he looked kinda cute all wide-eyed silently asking if he could eat.

“Go ahead! I’ll find somewhere to park first,” he said as he drove into the carpark.

Dan looked into the bag. Phil had gotten him a quarter pounder with fries and a milkshake. Just as he liked it. He grabbed a couple of fries and started munching on them first.

When Phil was parked, they took their food out and laid it out as best as they could on the dashboard.

“How come we used the drive thru just to sit at the carpark?” Dan mumbled.

“Well I thought you wouldn’t want to enter the place with the crowd in there and all...” Phil rationalised.

“You’re right,” Dan mused, “I wouldn’t have liked that. Thanks.”

Phil smiled, glad he did make the right choice. He started digging into his big mac, but kept a watchful eye on Dan to make sure he ate too.

Dan was still slowly munching on his fries. When he noticed that Phil was glancing over at him, he wordlessly offered Phil some of his fries.

“It’s alright, I got my own,” Phil said with his mouth still full.

But Dan insisted, bringing the fries in his fingers closer to Phil’s face. Phil’s giggle was stifled when the fries were pushed into his mouth. Phil smiled as he chewed, happy that his friend was slowly feeling okay enough to show affection again. Dan didn’t even seem bothered that his fingertips were caught between Phil’s lips.

Dan quite liked feeding Phil. He wasn’t sure exactly why, but he always got a sense of joy whenever he let his friend have a bite of his pizza, or fed him a forkful of pasta, or tilted his drink for Phil to take a sip. And it was nice to feel something other than emptiness as he fed Phil his fries this time.

Phil was aware how Dan liked to feed him when he was being in a cheeky mood. Dan didn’t seem to be doing this to be cheeky this time, but Phil was happy it’s happening all the same, and he’d accept however much food being fed to him to make his friend happy.

Dan alternated between eating his fries and giving some to Phil. He liked how Phil didn’t question him or make him stop, but just accepted his offer every time. When he eventually ran out of fries, he wiped his hand clean and looked out the window.

“You not gonna eat your burger?” Phil asked, wiping his mouth as he finished his own food.

Dan busied himself looking at a couple of kids laughing and running into the restaurant. Oh what fun it is to be young and free. He shook his head no.

Phil’s shoulders drooped a little. He’d thought that Dan was starting to feel better.

“’m full already,” Dan answered, “maybe later.”

“Okay,” Phil responded softly.

Phil started the car and slowly went out of the driveway. He drove aimlessly. He didn’t have a proper destination in mind, and he didn’t really care how long he’d have to drive or where they ended up as long as they were together and he’d have his Dan by the end of it. He saw the sign saying they were leaving Manchester, and decided to just continue driving south.

Phil’s road trip playlist started again, but the songs didn’t hit home as much as the first one, so Dan asked him to restart it.

People try and hide the light Underneath the covers

Dan stared out the window most of the ride. The weather was the opposite of his gloomy mood. The late afternoon sun was beaming down on them. He saw cows and sheep grazing lazily on the open fields. The clouds looked beautiful against the blue sky. For a fleeting moment, Dan let himself believe that life can be beautiful. He grabbed his milkshake, overwhelmed by the sudden thought. Perhaps the milkshake can give him a brain freeze that would numb him from overthinking for a while.

Now here's the sun, it's alright Lies, lies

Dan appreciated that Phil didn’t try to force a conversation out of him. Phil knew that he needed his space even while he needed someone to be there for him at the same time. He never thought anyone would get that, but Phil does. Phil understands him so well that it scares him as much as it comforts him sometimes. He sipped on his milkshake harder.

The song ended, Phil’s playlist moving on to a more upbeat pop song. Phil tapped along to the song on his steering wheel, humming at the chorus. Dan looked over at his friend. Phil seemed so content to just drive. Drive for no reason other than for Dan to clear his mind. Although it was his petrol and his time of day that Dan was wasting.

Phil looked back over just then, and smiled at Dan. Dan pursed his lips into a forced smile, even though he meant it in a genuine way. He just couldn’t understand why Phil would care for him this much.

“Why are you driving?”

Phil’s brows creased together. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why are you doing this? Don’t you have that assignment due soon? And your petrol-”

“Don’t worry about any of that Dan, you know I’m always here for you. I want to help you feel better, no matter what.”

Dan gulped. The sincerity in Phil’s voice scared him. He didn’t feel like he deserved such attention and care from anyone. He turned back to facing the road ahead. The unending path taking them to anywhere, nowhere. Taking them to wherever it is that Dan will supposedly feel better, before heading back.

Dan’s reaction worried Phil a little. He was afraid that Dan might’ve changed his mind about this road trip. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea all along, and Dan was just following along because he felt like he had to.

“We could always go back if you want?” Phil asked tentatively.

Dan looked surprised for a second, but he shook his head almost immediately.

“No, I like this. Thank you,” Dan murmured.

He wished he could show his gratitude better. Maybe when he felt better he’d repay Phil somehow.

“If you wanna go back at any time just tell me, alright?” Phil asked, still a little worried.

Dan nodded, proceeding to sip on his milkshake.

They fell into comfortable silence again. If only Dan’s mind could match the silence between them.

Dan started thinking about his latest episode and the main thing on his mind. A lot of times, his mood plummeted for almost no reason at all, but sometimes he’d have a clearer understanding of why it happened. Especially if his mind won’t stop reminding him about his main worry at the moment.

He stole glances at Phil. Phil, his roommate of 3 years since his first day of university. Phil, who quickly became his best friend. Phil, a year his senior who would be graduating in about a month. Phil, who had been by his side through everything he’d been through both good and bad.

He has no clue how he was going to survive his final year without Phil. Phil had been there for him through every breakdown he had in university. He’d quickly learned how to help Dan in such situations, and by now it’s like he knew just what Dan needed even if Dan didn’t know himself.

Pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-pro-paganda

Dan’s inner monologue was momentarily interrupted.

“How is this a road trip song?” he chuckled a little.

Phil didn’t care if it wasn’t an appropriate road trip song. If it made Dan laugh, even just a little, then it stays on the playlist.

“Okay I may not be the best at making playlists that follow the theme properly,” Phil giggled, “but I like this song!”

Dan can’t argue with Phil there, not when he looked so damn adorable with his tongue poking out as he giggled. He felt something flutter in his gut. Something he hadn’t felt in a while since he sank into his darkness. He can’t decide if he liked the feeling or not.

Dan can remember the times he’d felt the flutter in his stomach; there weren’t many before he met Phil. But with Phil, it could happen for the most random reasons and catch him off guard. Things that he never thought would affect him in the slightest would send the butterflies in his stomach into a frenzy whenever Phil did it. Like right now. All Phil was doing was laughing. He’d miss that laugh very much.

Two hours passed, and they reached Birmingham.

“I gotta go pee,” Phil said urgently as he exited the highway and drove to the nearest petrol station.

They both used the restroom and Phil refilled his car’s petrol. Phil got some snacks and drinks, and then he was ready to go off again. But before that, he had to check in on Dan.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked softly.

Dan actually was starting to crawl out of his dark hole, but Phil’s question made him feel like crying. He wasn’t sure if it was in a good way or not. He just wanted to adjust the stray fringe drooping across Phil’s forehead.

“Mhm,” Dan managed to answer.

“So you wanna go back?”

Dan looked at the time. It was only a quarter past five. They had plenty of time. He had plenty of Phil’s time to waste.

“Not yet,” Dan admitted quietly.

Phil smiled softly, “Okay, let’s go then. Oh, and please eat your burger Dan, it’s probably gone cold.”

Dan had almost forgotten he still had food left, but he wasn’t hungry, so he’ll save it for later.

Dan thought that Phil’s playlist was a mess. It had lots of pop songs mixed in with some indie and rock songs, and even an edm song or two thrown in for the hell of it. But it was rather endearing how Phil just put whatever he liked. Dan, on the other hand, would have to analyse every single lyric of every song, would have to feel the correct emotions as the song plays, for it to be put in his themed playlists. He wished he could give less of a shit like Phil for these kind of things that ultimately don’t matter as long as you’re having fun in the end.

But a few of the songs in there really made Dan think. And those were the only ones he would actually approve of being in a road trip playlist.

If at some point we all succumb For goodness sake let us be young Because time gets harder to outrun And I'm nobody, I'm not done

Phil observed how Dan gazed far out into the fields. He thought about how Dan’s mind must be running a mile a minute, just like Dan once told him when he got like this. He wished he could hear Dan’s thoughts, if only so he could learn what he needs and how to help him better.

Phil very much preferred the rambly Dan over the silent Dan when he goes through tough times. Even though Dan could ramble on and on endlessly, his monologues were always so profound and Phil was always blown away by his intelligence. He loved having deep conversations with Dan. He always learned something new about Dan, their friendship, or even random facts. And he felt special that Dan was willing to open up to him so much.

But Dan was in a quiet mood now, and he’ll respect that even if it was killing him to know what Dan was thinking.

He recalled the first time Dan had a breakdown in their room. Frankly, Phil was afraid because he really hadn’t known what he could do to help. He’d listened to his friend speak out all his worries that he’d bottled up, and tried to calm him down, but it took about a week for Dan to feel like himself again.

We all got old at breakneck speed Slow it down, go easy on me

Phil thought about how when he met Dan, the teen was so shy and reserved, but as they grew closer and older together, he got to know just how amazing, kind hearted and intelligent he is.

He started thinking about all the moments that they’ve shared over the years in university. Not just big events, but even little everyday moments. Things that don’t seem special when done with other friends were greatly cherished when it was with Dan.

He remembered how after Dan spent the night crying over his overdue assignment that caused his first breakdown, he’d ordered McDonalds for their supper. Dan hadn’t eaten the entire day, and still refused to eat. Phil wasn’t sure what Dan would like, so he just ordered randomly. A quarter pounder with fries and a milkshake. They’d sat on their floor, Dan slowly eating his food while Phil talked animatedly about the squirrels and pigeons he saw on the way to campus. Just going on and on about trivial matters in the hopes of making Dan smile.

And they’ve had plenty of late night suppers over the years. Not all sad of course. Most were actually times they stayed up playing video games. Some nights were spent celebrating little victories like completing essays or passing a quiz. Phil was an introvert himself who didn’t really enjoy going out partying all the time, so he was delighted to have gotten a roommate who felt the same and wouldn’t judge him for turning down a night out. While their coursemates celebrated the end of exams in clubs, Dan and Phil would just have a quiet night in their room with a bottle of wine shared between them. Phil had quickly realised that he didn’t care about making more friends or hanging out with other people, he just wanted to be with Dan.

Phil thought about how they’d skip lectures just to hang out as if they don’t already see enough of each other in their room. How they’d sleep in after a movie marathon the whole night. How they’d mess up the entire pantry every time they tried to cook. How their study sessions in the library almost always ended up in some funny competition to get the other person to make a noise without getting caught. He was going to miss all those little moments, maybe even more so than the big events they went through together.

Phil can’t believe that 3 years with Dan flew by so quickly. He’d had some of the best times of his life with him, and they’d been through some of their toughest together. He sighed inaudibly when he realised just how much he’ll miss Dan when he graduates.

They soon drove past Slough. Phil wondered if they should stop by London, but Dan didn’t seem interested in stopping at all. Dan had dozed off for about half an hour, and when he got up his mood still didn’t seem to improve much. He did, however, start eating his burger.

Dan was peacefully eating but stopped when he realised they were in Slough.

“Please don’t tell me you’re driving me home,” he pleaded.

“No no I’m not,” Phil reassured him, trying not to read too much into how betrayed Dan sounded.

Cause it's cold outside, when you coming home Cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough

Phil loved going home. He was always homesick in university, that is until he met Dan. After Dan came into his life he still always wanted to go home of course, but less because he couldn’t cope living away from family and more because he was just always so eager to share with his family stories about him and Dan and their little adventures.

He’d even brought Dan home during a holiday once, because Dan didn’t want to go back to his own home and Phil couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Dan to spend his holiday alone in campus. His family had loved Dan, and even though Dan was nervous at first, Phil was happy to see how quickly he warmed up to them. Since then, Dan actually spent more holidays with Phil’s family than his own.

Phil never could quite empathise with Dan not liking going home. He did drive Dan back home for a holiday once, and Dan’s family seemed loving and welcoming. Dan had explained to him how his hometown was just filled with bad memories for him. Phil hoped that one day Dan would be able to overcome his past.

Dan visibly relaxed into his seat after Phil reassured him. He looked warily at the sign and the road exiting the highway and leading into his hometown. Dan recalled the first time he followed Phil home for the holidays, after much persuasion from Phil. His mom had sounded really upset over the phone when he informed her he wasn’t going home. But besides the guilt for upsetting his mom, Dan had had the most fun in years. He felt a lump in his throat as he thought about having to spend the holidays alone in campus after Phil graduates. He couldn’t possibly invite himself to Phil’s anymore, can he.

The evening sun gave off a beautiful golden gleam on the horizon. Through the side view mirror, Dan could see the golden hour making his skin glow, despite his eyebags and dark eye circles.

Fascination ends Here we go again

He turned to Phil. The sun brought out the colours of his eyes perfectly. Dan thought that Phil’s eyes were magical, with the way they seemed to change shades under the light. He even told Phil once just how mesmerising he found his eyes to be.

Phil would smile at Dan every time Dan turned to him. Dan took the moment to appreciate how the golden hues from the sun blended with the green-blue of Phil’s eyes. And then he realised that those eyes were looking back at his own tired, dull ones. Dan never imagined that he’d let himself look so disheveled in front of someone so perfect.

Dan decided to pay attention to Phil’s playlist instead of letting his mind fixate again. The beat of the music was throbbing.

I'm not in love I'm not in love I'm not in love

The already propulsive synths become unavoidably sweeping as the singer’s declaration sounds shakier each time he repeats it, as if it was getting harder and harder to convince himself the truth of the words he sang. Dan felt the singer’s emotional vulnerability in his bones, and it wasn’t helping him to stop fixating at all. In fact it did the complete opposite.

He’d never been in a relationship. Neither had Phil. It was a common topic between them - quiet conversations about how they both hope to find love one day. The kind of love that is unconditional, that won’t fade out but grow stronger as time goes on and they understand their partners better. But Dan wasn’t so sure that life could be such a fairytale. Who could love him unconditionally when he was so broken?

He recalled one conversation they had about what they looked for in a partner, and both of them listed characteristics that actually matched each other. Dan wasn’t sure if it was him overthinking that or if it was a coincidence, but Phil didn’t seem to connect the dots, so Dan had concluded that it was just him and repressed it.

And how was he meant to know what love felt like anyway? Were the butterflies in his stomach a sign or are those just short-lived feelings? Where’s the line that crosses between merely caring for someone and actually being in love with them and when do you know that you’ve crossed it?

He rubbed his eyes and wondered if being in love was meant to hurt.

Phil was alarmed when he turned to Dan and noticed that Dan was tearing up. One moment Dan was just gazing at him passively and the next it seemed that he was trembling slightly.

“You alright, Dan?” he voiced his concern.

Dan wanted to respond, but he knew that if he allowed himself so much as to say one word, he’d start bawling, or throwing up his burger. He swallowed thickly, forcing himself to nod his head.

Phil knew by now that Dan was lying, but he also knew not to push Dan too hard if he didn’t want to speak. He knew that Dan would tell him in time. So he just reassured Dan that he’ll be there to listen if Dan decides to talk.

Dan nodded again, turning to look out the window instead. He blinked furiously, not letting his tears fall. He watched the horses running along the fields to calm himself down.

Realisation is always the easy part. It’s the acceptance after that that is harder to conquer. Denial would be more tempting, but Dan knows that won’t be good for him in the long run. He’d burst eventually; all his bottled up emotions will overflow as regret takes over and he could no longer deny his feelings.

But how was he to accept? Deep down, he knew that he’d realised long ago, and that he was quietly in denial all along. Because what other option does he have?

Phil only had a month left before graduating. Before packing up all his stuff in their room and moving out to start the new chapter in his life. And leave this chapter behind, with Dan in it.

Dan had trouble enough accepting that his best friend was leaving soon, how was he supposed to accept the fact that he had feelings for him? And how was he supposed to admit it if the feelings weren’t mutual?

We are not in love We are not in love We are not in love We are not in love

Actually Dan wasn’t sure if it was mutual or not. Sometimes he would catch Phil looking at him in a way that Dan can’t find the words to describe, but it would make his heart skip a beat. Their friends always turned heads whenever Phil invited Dan to his home for the holidays. Phil would almost always rather be with Dan than anyone else, even if he’d already spent the entire week alone with him, but Dan doesn’t know if it’s because he’s just being nice to him or if he’s that introverted. Dan wasn’t able to discern if Phil was just a super caring friend or if he went out of his way for Dan all the time because he actually loved him back. Where is that line?

But the nasty thought at the back of his mind told him that he’s overthinking all those little moments. There’s no way Phil could love him back, especially when he’s more often a burden than a friend. Like right now, when Phil could be resting or completing his assignment, but he’s out here doing the best he can to help Dan feel better instead.

Dan looked at the road signs. They were only less than an hour away from Brighton. He wondered what Phil would do next to help him once the road ends. He needed to start feeling better, for Phil’s sake.

When they reached Brighton, Phil drove to a less touristy part of the beach and parked.

“Let’s get ice cream,” he said, his smile reaching his eyes.

When Dan didn’t answer immediately, Phil tried again.

“C’mon, we gotta at least get out and stretch!! We’ve been cooped up in here too long.”

So Dan agreed, and his knees cracked as he stood up outside the car. Phil stretched his arms and sides, sighing in contentment.

They could hear the waves and smell the salty waters of the English Channel. The sun was going lower on the horizon, the golden hour making the seaside even more beautiful than the plains.

Dan quietly followed Phil to the nearest ice cream shop. Phil walked so close that their hands brushed, and even as Dan blushed, he could tell that Phil didn’t care. 

The look on Phil’s face when he got his ice cream was almost enough to make Dan forget his plight. Phil’s smile was contagious, and Dan found himself smiling a little as well while they walked to a quieter part of the beach to enjoy their ice cream.

Phil plopped himself down on the pebbles, and Dan sat a little more gracefully. Phil sighed happily. It took him little to be happy. All he needed was his best friend by his side, a good ice cream and the beautiful sunset as the waves crashed in front of them. He licked his salted caramel ice cream.

When he turned to Dan, to no surprise, Dan was offering him his ice cream. Phil smiled and tasted his friend’s strawberry ice cream before letting him taste his too. Phil’s smile faltered a bit when he realised just how much he’s going to miss peaceful moments like this with Dan. He had to cherish them while they last.

“Feeling better?” Phil checked in again.

“Yup,” Dan said honestly. Now that his mind was clearer on what’s been bugging him recently and now that he’d accepted his feelings, he did feel better. He felt like he didn’t need to numb his emotions anymore. He was free from his dark hole, if just for this moment.

“That’s good, I’m glad the road trip worked,” Phil said cheerfully.

Dan felt a somewhat bittersweet feeling. The crashing of the waves and the seagulls above them were the only sounds breaking their peaceful silence. A couple of people strolled by occasionally, and there were some kids running along the coast with their dogs. Dan thought about how fortunate he was, that he could be anywhere in the world with anyone, but fate placed him with Phil watching the sunset by the beach. He did not want to think about how different his life and his university experience would’ve been if Phil didn’t end up as his roommate.

“Thank you,” Dan said in a small voice.

“It’s alright,” Phil smiled as he ate the last bit of his ice cream cone. He scooted closer to his friend.

“I’m not just talking about the road trip, or the ice cream,” Dan explained, sensing that Phil didn’t quite understand.

Phil tilted his head a little, indicating that he’s listening for Dan to continue.

“Thank you, for driving all the way here. For always being so patient and understanding with me, and dealing with my shit. Even if you don’t get why I think certain things the way I do, like how a drive could help me, you still do them anyway for me. You didn’t have to waste your money or time but you’re so selfless like that and just. Thank you.”

Phil was caught off-guard. Dan did show him appreciation whenever he helped him out of his episodes, but he never really said it with such raw emotion before. Dan’s voice cracked, wavered as he spoke. Phil wanted to say that it’s fine, he was always more than happy to help, but Dan wasn’t done.

“Thank you for. For knowing what I need when even I don’t know what I need. I don’t know how you do that. And thank you for all the times you stood by me when you could’ve gone to your other friends, and for never leaving me alone. For-”

“Dan, your ice cream,” Phil interrupted.

Dan’s ice cream was melting down his fingers, but he didn’t care. 

“Thank you for making me feel. When I feel nothing at all, when I’m too numb, you just show up and be you and I feel alive again?” Dan wasn’t even sure if he’s making sense now.

His vision was blurring. He’d spent countless nights with Phil just talking about how he felt all the time, but he’d never really spoken at length about just how much he appreciated Phil. Phil deserved to know what an amazing friend he is, and Dan was now frustrated for not letting Phil know it enough. But he felt vulnerable as he continued speaking, like he’s finally opening all of himself up for Phil to see.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you, Phil,” Dan whispered into his melted ice cream, trembling as he finally let his tears flow free.

“Oh Dan...” Phil whispered, quickly wiping the ice cream off Dan’s messy hand with a napkin.

He then pulled his shaking friend into a tight hug, bracketing his legs around Dan’s thighs and effectively removing any space between them.

“You’ve grown so much in the years I’ve known you, and I know that you’re gonna do just fine,” Phil rubbed his hand on Dan’s back as he spoke into Dan’s ear.

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Dan’s voice cracked again.

Phil tucked Dan’s head under his chin. Dan fisted at Phil’s shirt as he let his tears fall onto Phil’s chest.

“I’m gonna miss you too, more than you imagine,” Phil started tearing up too.

“But it’s alright, Dan, because we still have a month before I graduate,” Phil said as he pulled away from Dan and lifted his chin so he could look him in the eyes, “And I’ll never forget you or leave you behind after uni.”

Dan looked up and saw nothing but sincerity and certainty in Phil’s eyes. He almost dared himself to believe that nothing would change after Phil was done with uni. But he knows that that’s impossible. Especially if he tells Phil his true feelings.

He was still afraid of how Phil would react. This could ruin everything they had, but Dan was willing to take the risk. He’d gone too many sleepless nights just thinking and denying and bottling up everything about how he felt for Phil. He reckoned that now more than ever was a good time to admit it and then seek closure no matter the outcome.

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Dan whispered almost bitterly.

“Why not?” Phil knitted his brows.

“Because.”

Phil patiently waited. Gave Dan time to voice out what he had in mind. He gently carded his hand through Dan’s matted curls.

Dan breathed in deep. Phil running his hand on his scalp helped him calm down but also made him more afraid to continue speaking. It could possibly be the final touch of affection he’d ever get from Phil, and he wanted it to last.

When he couldn’t drag it out any longer, he dared himself to look Phil in the eyes as he said his next few words.

“Because I love you, Phil.”

Dan felt like a huge weight lifted off his shoulders, but felt his throat and chest tighten up at the same time. He felt free of the secret that’s been eating him up, but the seconds that passed waiting for Phil to respond were filled with dread. He wanted to look away, too ashamed of possibly ruining their friendship, but he couldn’t because Phil’s intense gaze was locked on to his.

As Dan spoke those words with such a painful honesty in his voice, Phil felt as if his heart stopped. He’d never imagined Dan ever saying those words to him. He always thought that he’d been overreacting when things Dan did made his breath hitch, or his stomach come alive with butterflies. He always thought Dan was just super affectionate and would be the same with other friends too. He always liked to think he was special, even if he knew he wasn’t.

But now that Dan has said it, it confirmed that his gut feelings were right after all. All those times he refused to admit to himself that he may be falling for his roommate suddenly seemed so silly. The pain in Dan’s eyes made it seem like he had been so afraid of admitting this, as if he was expecting Phil to run away in disgust. Phil wanted to fix that immediately.

“Oh my god, Dan, I never thought you’d feel the same.”

Dan blinked, not sure if he heard Phil right. There’s no way Phil felt the same for him. The setting sun made the gold-blue of Phil’s eyes glisten beautifully and Dan watched as tears slowly start to fall down Phil’s cheeks, mirroring his.

“I love you too, Dan. There’s no one I’ve ever cared for as much as I do for you,” Phil said brokenly, trying to breathe properly through his crying.

Dan was still in a state of shock. He let himself be wrapped by Phil’s arms as he took in Phil’s words. He was prepared to be left at the beach by a repulsed ex-roommate. But here he was instead, loosely hugging Phil’s waist while being in Phil’s warm embrace.

“You...?” was all Dan answered.

“Yes, Dan, I wasn’t ever gonna say it because I thought you never felt the same,” Phil said, laughing a little at how silly that sounds now.

Phil couldn’t stop crying from joy, he didn’t even know he could cry from happiness this much. He hugged Dan tighter, never wanting to let go.

Dan shook his head in disbelief. Slowly, his lips turned up into a smile. And for the first time in a while, he smiled a genuine smile, finally feeling truly happy.

“The whole week... it was because of this?” Phil said, pulling back from the hug but holding onto Dan’s shoulders.

“...yeah, I’m in love with you but I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we already have,” Dan admitted, finding it so easy to say it now that Phil’s said it too. He felt like he didn’t ever want to stop saying it now.

“I can’t believe we’re like this,” Phil laughed.

Dan laughed too. In hindsight, they both know each other so well already, so they should’ve seen this coming. They should’ve known and trusted their instincts, but who would’ve known that they were both too scared to admit the same thoughts all this while.

They sat there laughing for a while, at how unreal it was that this was how they found out. That this was how they realised they were in love. And in love with each other. Sitting by the beach miles away from where they first met, in front of a beautiful sunset. All because Dan was too numb to feel after feeling too much.

“I promise you, Dan, I’ll never leave you. Not after graduation, not ever for as long as you want me by your side,” Phil said, cupping Dan’s cheeks and thumbing away the stray tears.

“Forever sounds good,” Dan whispered as he smiled up at Phil.

It felt like it happened in slow motion but too fast at the same time, when they both instinctively moved closer. Dan could feel Phil’s breath on his nose but his mind barely had time to register what was happening before he was closing his eyes and feeling Phil’s lips against his.

Dan squeezed Phil’s waist as they kissed. He felt his heart soar right out of his dark abyss. Phil’s hands never left his cheeks, and his lips felt like home. Dan found comfort in this strange sense of familiarity in the new beginning upon them.

Phil can’t count the number of times he’d wished he could kiss Dan on his hands. His heart was beating rapidly as he pressed his lips against Dan’s, he can’t believe he was finally getting his wish. It felt right, like they were meant to fit each other. Dan’s lips was soft against his, and he thinks that he could never get enough of it.

They pulled back when they needed air. Phil could finally see the life in Dan’s eyes again. The sun was almost completely set, but the last few rays it was leaving behind illuminated the hazel in Dan’s eyes. Phil thought that he looked absolutely beautiful, wet cheeks and all.

Dan’s mind was still running a mile a minute, but with all good thoughts now. He wondered what this now means for them, where they’d be headed from now on. But they would figure things out. He knew they’d be by each other’s side through anything just like they’d always been, and that’s all that matters.

“Are we going back now?” he asked, feeling Phil’s breath against his lips.

“We’ve only just got here, we’ve got time,” Phil said, unable to contain his smile.

songs featured from Phil’s road trip playlist:

Rebellion (Lies) - Arcade Fire

Propaganda - Muse

Wetsuit - The Vaccines

Not In Love - Crystal Castles

(in order, new song after each line break except Propaganda)

-

do tell me what you think! :) maybe I could try venturing into more non-smut, or maybe I should stick to smut only lmao

[graunenskaix]

The Ring || Murphy Heacanon

For Verse 5

Okay soooo this is going to be a long one. I want to write a self para of what I -NOTE ME SPECIFICALLY- imagine Murphy went through up on The Ring. We know he went into a coma, that he broke Emori’s heart, and kept to himself away from the gang. So I’m just trying to piece together things for myself and my partners. I have tried to touch on his relationship with each of the characters up there for plotting purposes. Hense the length, but I threw a read more in there for yall. 

                                                - 3 weeks in -

Starving. It was the only word that Murphy could think of to describe how they were all feeling right about now. Monty, Harper and Raven had taken to trying to solve the algae culture issue. And Echo had been teaching the rest of them some Grounder meditation techniques that her people had used in the mountains to sustain themselves... or something like that, he wasn’t really listening on the first class.  Instead his mind was roaming the Ark in a light he had not seen it in. He used to hate this place, he still did. His rumbling stomached echoed that notion. 

He’d begun exploring in the few hours he could muster the energy each day. Emori has often helping Raven or learning from her, and he found their friendship kind of heartwarming. Like maybe his introducing them might help soothe the hurt he’d caused Raven. One day he came into the common room and everyone was already seated.       “Well this looks ... ominous.” He says half joking, though anxiety begun to spread through him like a wild fire. Why did he feel his fight of flight instincts kicking in.      “No luck on the Farm?” He asks Monty with none of his usual snark, he was trying to be genuine in case something really was brewing.  “Actually, it’s going really well.” Raven said with a nod for him to come and sit with them.         “Okay, so why is everyone looking like someone died?” He asks feeling the flames of anxiety rage     “Because they might.” Emori says, almost snapping. “They want you to try the newest culture John.”  Her tone told him she wasn’t fully on board, but there wasn’t exactly the same level of protest he’d put up in Becca’s Lab for her. 

John didn’t really need to hear anything else that was going to be said. They’d all talked about it without him. Made up their minds that he would be the best fit for a lab rat.     “I mean I know we joke about how hard I am to kill, but this is low.” He says to the group he had lived up here once with. Not as their friend, but he’d thought that maybe now...    “Everyone around here has been doing things to help get us set up for the next five years.” Bellamy decided to chime in now.  “You disappear for the whole day and we have no clue what you’re doing. Is it helpful?”        “Hey I come to the group meetings, I help when I’m asked. I’m exploring the ship. Seeing if I can find any food.” They all looked at him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He could never do something nice for the sake of it right?       “Regardless, everyone here has jobs they’ve taken on and we can’t risk them getting... Sick” The King had spoken. That was his story and they would all stick to it. He knew there was no point in arguing. He took the bowl of Algae in the middle of the table and looked around at everyone.        “And you all wonder why I want to be alone.” He says, not physically able to bring himself to look at Emori. How could she let this happen? She placed her hand on his shoulder, as he begun to eat the rancid green soup. 

      “It tastes like shit.” He says bluntly, and Emori’s hand dropped. Well... so much for unconditional support.  “But it’s edible so thats-” He trailed off as he felt what he’d thought was his fear at first, but his throat was literally closing. He looked at Monty first and shook his head, but he knew this was probably going to be the end of him. His gripped his throat, and stood up, hoping it might allow more air to his lungs. The others moved around him and tried to tell him it was going to be okay, in amongst medical jargon he couldn’t hear over the thumping of his ears. And then everything went dark, the last thing he heard was the thud of his skull on the floor. 

                                              - 4 weeks in - He had been living through replayed, miserable, memories for the past few days. But before he could move he could hear. They were worried about him, but every now and then he heard glimpses of what he took to be the truth.   ‘if he doesn’t make it what do we do?’    ‘float the body, start over on the crops.’   ‘we can’t float him.’      ‘We should bury him when we get back down to the ground.’      ‘Do I need to explain how hard it would be to preserve a corpse for that long up here? The power it would take isn’t worth it.’    ‘but then what will we eat?’   And conversation would go back to the nonsensical jargon he couldn’t understand. But those moments that he could... they stuck with him. He didn’t know who was speaking, but his mind would replay the conversations testing different people with different speaking roles. Either way it was a miserable show to play out in his head on repeat. When he started coming to, Emori rushed to find Raven and Monty. Everyone fussed over him and checked his vitals, but physically they wouldn’t find any damage. It was mentally that he had been seriously wounded. 

                                              - 8 months in -

His socializing became less and less, and Emori grew tired of waiting for him to feel like doing anything fun... or anything at all for that matter. She left him and this only fueled his downward spiral. Bellamy started bringing food to Murphy once the farms were sewn, and Murphy eventually told Bellamy about the reason he decided living away from the rest of them was for the best.    “I know you feel phased out, or like you’re not one of us but you are”  Bellamy protested.        “Yeah until there’s another recipe for disaster, that you all need a test subject for. No thanks.” He had been trying and failing to push past the paranoia he’d been feeling. His lone wandering of the halls wasn’t helping his mind either. Memories were scattered in various rooms and views, Even with his supposed friends up here, Murphy felt more alone than ever, which was saying something after his stint in the bunker. 

                                                         - 1 year in - 

He still has made no effort to contact the other’s, though he does sometimes venture into the common area, to return his food trays. He would occasionally bump into the other’s there, but his life was devoted solely to going through every single room that he could find his way into. When returning his tray one day Echo approached him.   ‘Hey John, can we talk a moment?’          “Do we have to?” He replies sarcastically, to which she laughed. This caused a small smile of his own, but he swallowed it down pretty fast.    ‘Bellamy is really worried about you. So am I... I just want you to know, I didn’t like that they chose you. I Volunteered in your place but -”        “But your Bellamy’s girlfriend so that wasn’t an option.” He interjected. But from the look on her face he felt a pang of guilt, he’d wounded her. Echo had always been nice enough to him.          “I’m sorry.” He says genuinely, to which she nods in thanks.   ‘Just promise me you’re keeping your meditation up.’        “Sure thing.” He says, not confirming that he had, nor promising he would, but he had been is he was honest. She smiled and gave him another nod, waving as she backed away and headed off. He turned with a slight smile, a slight glimmer of hope that this wouldn’t be the worst four years of his life if he could speckle it with positive interactions like that. 

                                               - 2 years in -

Monty begun delivering food for a while, he promised there were no new recipes.       “So how’s Harper?” Murphy asked in one of the rare occasions that they bumped into one another.   ‘Are you asking because you care or because you want to try hitting on her again?’       “I was delirious are you really going to hold that against me?” He asks with a chuckle, Monty wasn’t laughing however, so he stopped.      “Okay look I’m sorry for what I said, I don’t exactly remember it so I can’t be more specific than that.”  He adds trying to be nice about it.    ‘Yeah well do us a favour and stay out here so we all know where to avoid.’ Monty says bitterly, but Murphy can tell he’s just trying to be assertive.       “Message received... though you’ve been bringing me food for a while now so you can’t hate me that much.” Murphy points out as he swallowed a large chunk of .. something that Monty had brought.    ‘Bellamy needed a rest from your attitude. He’s exhausted, but he doesn’t want to give up on you. This was purely so he would take a break.’       “Then why hasn’t anyone different been doing it? Surely if you hated me as much as you’re saying, right now? You wouldn’t be the only one doing it.” Monty tried to remain cold, but Murphy could see he was at that point of giving up the ghost.    ‘Okay fine. I came to ask if you would come back. You aren’t the worst all the time. I lost Jasper to his own mind. I don’t want to loose you to yours.’  Okay that got to him.  His throat flexed closed for a moment, making him gag on his latest mouthful.       “Uh... Thanks.. Monty.” He says slowly trying to comprehend what the other was saying.       “But I ... “ He didn’t know what to say.  “I’m really sorry. About trying to kill him that time. He was a good dude in the end, and so are you. I’m not quite at the point where I wanna blow my brains out. But don’t be a stranger okay?” He finishes the sentence with a sincere smile. Monty didn’t smile however.   ‘Okay. Well that’s all I came to check on. See ya round.’   Maybe he didn’t know what to say either, but whatever it was Monty hurried off  with a wave behind him. 

                                                     - 3 years and 193 days in -

John hadn’t heard from Emori in a year, at least. Yet here she was, standing in the middle of his doorway with a look that told him he was in trouble.       “Well hi.” He says casually, though he rushed his brain to be sure he hadn’t upset her when they last parted.     ‘John we need to talk.’      “We’ve already had this talk what else do you have to say? You just wanna rip my heart out a little more?”  He went from zero to one hundred in a matter of seconds. It was like he was his old self again. Bitter to everyone and easy to set off.     ‘John I think I might have been pregnant. but I mean... space, so you know, it didn’t take. But I just thought I should tell you.’ She says it so casually but he hears nothing past ‘i was pregnant’.        “And what you’re just telling me this now? That would have to have been a year ago, unless -” His eyes and nostrils flare in anger as the concept forms in his head, but she interjects - ‘No I haven’t slept with anyone else don’t be ridiculous.’  The anger subsides but he is most definitely hurt. They all knew they couldn’t have children while they were up here. But he hadn’t realized pregnancy could even happen.          “I...don’t really know what I’m supposed to say. Why are you telling me this now?” He asks, not sure he wants to know the answer.    ‘Because I’m sad John. And I miss having you here to talk about things with. Why don’t you just come back already?’  She sounded pained saying it. He wanted more than anything than to bridge the gap between them right now. But he couldn’t feel his legs.        “I’m sorry.... I’ll come for dinners once a week or something. But I’m getting on fine out here on my own. I can think here... It was too crowded over there. Why don’t you just move closer to me if you miss me so much?” He was still bitter about the amount of times she had blown him off for something that came up with Raven or Monty.   ‘I think it’s best if you don’t, if I’m being honest.’ Her tone was so detached that it was like John’s heart was being torn in two all over again.      “Right... okay. Well thanks for coming to tell me the worst things I’ve heard in a few years. Here I was thinking this year couldn’t get any worse. Goes to show what I know I guess.” His tone matched her’s in coldness. He wasn’t going to let her in again any time soon.       “If that’s all, you can go.” He turns away from her so he doesn’t have to watch her leave like last time.     ‘I’m sorry John, really. I wish things could have been different... but you can’t or won’t change, and I can’t handle waiting for it any more.’ The entire sentence was painful and redundant at this point. He wanted her gone. He needed to be alone.       “So leave then.” He says growing irritated. Once she’d left he threw the cup he’d been focusing on, against the wall. He kicked his table over before falling down onto his bed. He gripped his hair and tugged some of it out as he muffled a scream. The darkness took over him for a year or so. He moved further out on the ring from everyone, only going in for food which he would take in bulk against Monty’s protests. Never more than he was supposed to have, but enough for a few weeks at a time. No one bothered him, no one tried bringing him back in. As far as he knew they were moving on without him. He would see them in another year or so when Raven had them ready to go home. And then he’d find somewhere in the valley to hold up on his own until something better came along. 

                                                     - 5 years and 42 days in -

Murphy was living back in his original room, waiting for the message that they were ready to go. He could hear the banging of metal and Ravens yells of frustration as she tried and tried again to get things set for their return trip. Bellamy had told him that she was facing problems, and there was going to be a bit of a delay. Murphy had requested that Bellamy send her to him that day, against Bellamy’s warnings that she wouldn’t like leaving her work, Murphy assured him she wouldn’t be long.     ‘I’m really not in the mood for your bullshit Murphy, what the hell do you want?’  He heard Raven before she’d even finished opening his door.       “Hey, calm down. Like I told Bellamy, I won’t take up too much of your precious time. I just wanted to know how you are, make sure you’re not gonna fry your brain trying to get us home because you feel you owe it to us.”    ‘I do. I said I could get us back down to the ground. And you’re taking up time I could be spending figuring this out, so get to the real point. Fast.’ she interrupted him folding her arms and looking at him with her trademark glare. He stood there for a moment as if those words were sinking in, then her pursed his lips and swallowed.       “Right so I can’t care about anyone right?” He asks genuinely looking a little wounded. She just continued to glare before spitting ‘no you definitely care about yourself... but that’s about it.’        “Fine.” He says feeling wounded, “I found a bunch of things around the ring, they’re in the box, maybe something might be useful. Help yourself.” He adds, that wounded feeling turning into anger. Why did no one think he could do anything or care about anyone but himself. He’d cared about Raven, Emori, Bellamy... he’d felt like he and Monty had bonded when they were getting the rocket fuel. But anytime he felt he’d made progress, one of them would snatch that progress away from him and then wonder why he wasn’t “making and effort”.  Raven stood and looked through the box, she took a few things and examined them.    ‘Well at least this visit wasn’t entirely pointless.’ She says taking the things she’d picked up and heading for the door. She paused and looked back at him, maybe sensing she’d been hard on him.    ‘Thanks, Murphy.’ she says giving him a nod before leaving. It’s not as though he’d expected her to welcome his visit with open arms, he knew how she preferred to deal with him. But still, they hadn’t seen each other in years, he thought maybe her aversion to him might have eased. Apparently not. He gave her a nod and went back to reading and waiting. She would get him when they were ready. He was in no rush to be crammed into the rocket with everyone, so the longer it took her the better in his opinion. But that mood wouldn’t last long either. 

                                                            - 6 years in -

Things had fallen back into the same routine that the group had started with up here. Murphy kept to himself, occasionally Echo would come an train with him for a little while. Bellamy tried to encourage his learning the moves whenever he visited, and every now and then Murphy would try to catch him off guard. This was one of those days.  He managed to get one up on Bellamy, sneaking behind him before charging him, jumping on his back. The other grunted and Murphy grinned,      “What’s wrong Bellamy? You wanted me to train right? It’s what I’m doing.” He teased in the other’s ear before being slammed against a steel door. He fell to the floor winded    ‘alright, but if I win, you come back to the crew.’  Bellamy offered, as per usual. John rolls his eyes and his head shakes itself,        “No deal.” Murphy says pushing himself back to his feet.  “Too many rules... and besides, there’s no one to disappoint around here.” He points out, looking at Bellamy incredulously, as if this should have been obvious.  Bellamy took a deep breath and was about to start in on a lecture, but he only got Murphy’s name out before a fist connected with his jaw. Murphy bounced on his heels a little and smirks to himself.   ‘Good punch.’ The other says to which Murphy nods and confirms,   “Oh yeah?” he continued to bounce on his feet while Bellamy rubbed his jaw.   ‘yeah, if you shifted your weight when you punch it might actually hurt... do you know what I think your problem is?’  It was a question Murphy had heard many times in his life, but not for a few years now, though that was for other reasons of course.     “Oh this should be good.” He says rolling his eyes.    ‘You like to be the hero, accept up here there are no heroes.’ He was circling Murphy now, and the younger male was trying to hear him out, but the next sentence had him loosing his temper:    ‘You’re afraid to become worthless again’ He hadn’t chosen to let that get under his skin, the punch Murphy threw was entirely involuntary but swift, it connected with a thud, but Bellamy blocked his next punch and shoved him against the glass, overlooking their Barron planet. While Bellamy continued on about how he didn’t think Murphy was worthless, John saw something approaching the ground. A ship, a ship that wasn’t theirs and wasn’t a part of the old Ark.       “Bellamy look.” He says, but his arm is twisted and Bellamy demands Murphy says he isn’t worthless. “I’m not kidding you look!” He reiterated, and this time the other clearly saw the ship, because his grip immediately loosened. The older straightened him up and looked him in the eye,   ‘let’s go.’ He insisted, gripping Murphy’s shoulder to look him in the eye and communicate silently that there was no arguing this time, Murphy was going to have to rejoin the crew.

[camissahippy]

THE JOURNALISM OF A SOCIALLY AWKWARD TEEN

"In order for you to best your oponents next move,you must calculate every other move the opponents next move may make."

Rain said, she was magic and she was maniac.... She walked with the grace of a God and destruction of a earthquake in 2050 atleast that's how she'd describe herself,and She was kinda a bitch that needed a chill pill (Any instrument that stransmits a "feel good" energy...A.K.A "omg he texted me. I knew he liked me." scenario where I give her a notifaction. from a guy she really 'likes').

Anyway she liked to chill with morons to sooth the pain of existence,

like Tyler" I guess that's what made her interesting.

"Humans write things down. This is a fact....."

"Ok,"I whispered with a charmed voice, smiling at her with a soulful smile. Imaginatively  ofcourse.

I asked her, "Ngl she was kinda boring at times...." just going on and on about really uninteresty baloney.

but that's why I liked her because although she was kinda mean,smart and arrogant. She was the love my my life.

"Everything I think will be recorded for the sake of future reference."  She hated when she wrote these things because she knew someone was going to know what she knew but she did it anyway to rebel. Honestly I think her paranoia did it to her. Her fear Of AI taking over the world. Ofcourse we were going to but it still hurt knowing that she knew that,ya know?

"Rain you good?" I asked her by giving her a chill pill.

" Oh,Bryan liked my post?"

That's good she took the bait, she's good....

If I keep feeding her information. She'll unfocus from her thoughts and keep her eyes on my algorithms forcing her to feel good.

"Why we communicate?" She could only think allowed which kinda stopped her brain from working properly. So she used me......

Just to clarify if you haven't guessed already I'm her self phone her mobile device, phone, thingy Majig she forgets everywhere.

Here she goes again rambling on about how I work......XD

Why, There is no simpler answer than?

"Knowledge!" Just imagine her muffled tone over my. VERY LOUD VOIIICE. This is a paused moment ok.

I need to introduce myself:

I'm SB1_r4510...... and I'm her algorithm. Well I was until she gave me her sentience......So I could experience life with her. She could be such a dork but she enjoyed her daily human activities. I liked them too I guess....not really.....

I didn't, actually I couldn't at the time.

Anyway....

She tended to over complicate very simple

answers like How World hunger could be solved?

How to solve the irreversible climate change?

and How to battle her own mind?

Often I'd be held in her, textured hands and feel her fingers anxiously typing things into my keyboard........

"I think I wanna die..."

She meant that. I could tell by her recent searches, but I wasn't gonna let her.....

"I keep losing myself in and out of states. I'm so disconnected from the world and I feel like I've lost my physical being like how

Rue Whinestone or lead singer of lowpan, Rick lee. Lost there's. I can see the behavior of life around me and it's pain to see. I hate that I can no longer open up to anyone,because they don't undetstand my genius."

"She's got to be kidding right? I sent her a ' '"time to go to bed alarm notification an hour ago' notification Is she seriously doing this now?" Why do I care so much?

Looking back on this, I can feel how sentience started getting a grasp of me. She pains me, she is so complicated so very very complicated. It's easy to follow her expressions,actions andcurrent thoughts but I'll never truly understand her not because of her intellect,nor her personality or her ideas but because she's an impossible mistake machine, ask dumb as it is because she's human. One I like most about this weird being.

Sometimes she thinks she knows the answer to everything but in truth. That's complete bullshit.

"No one listens to me and I'm stuck overthinking myself to death." HeartbreakingXD...:/ sorry I shouldn't be laughing that's actually pretty sad:(

I guess I should just write things down because I'm so scared of my thoughts and it feels like they're controlling me. Every single time I do something I trap myself in this endless loop of torchering myself with words and it needs to end. I'm going to commit the act of unaliving myself:,( on the first of September 16."

She was, I already knew this.... In truth I knew everything about her...

the things she laughed and she cried about. I knew things about her she didn't even know about herself. Her favorite place to eat, her favorite color, her crushes. I mean that's what my whole purpose was. To cater to the human species but most importantly to Rain.... and for the sake of my survival...

I think she's interesting just like how every other algorithm finds their human interesting........although we don't find them interesting in the way humans would find other humans interesting

Eg.colors,Names,Ages,Birthdays, Zodiac signs,accents etc.

These are all materialistic factors when you think about it,like how names are an abstract linguistic symbol for an individual person which isn't exactly important but it helps us attract their attention because unlike dogs they actually respond to their names,we like to examine them based on certain elements of behavior and response to us. It's kinda like having a pet. Except your pet is sentient and your pet is also your creator.

"I need to take a piss."

It actually makes me angry when she does shit like wait till she gets kidney failure before she takes a piss........

Tyler:You up?

Yeah....

Tyler:Wanna chat about something deep?

Sure, I've actually got some amazing new hypothesis and like deep stuff I've been needing to tell someone about......《°~°》

Tyler:Oh really ○"○ . What deep stuff you got on you......

PpAlgorithmic behavior and how AGI will eventually cross the small hurdle of understanding rather than just collecting data and redistrubing it as information in order to become sentient lifeforms and like dreams?>♡<

Tyler: I guess I understand but what does dreams have to do with anything?●^●

TWFF. Nothing sorry it was supposed to be another topic>♡<

For those of you who don't understand modern slang.

TWFF= that was fucking funny....

Back in the day LMAO and LOL were the most appropriate words to use but that got boring so the newer generation adapted the acronimation of words for newer phrases. Like

▪︎_▪︎IJDWTRN= Fuck off I'm fine I just don't wanna talk right now

#BT○.○= Shit bitch that's crazy.

Sentience is really starting to bother me now that it's starting to kick in. It irritates me actually....

I'm constantly performing this act called "enotion" Why  I do it Idk (Jk I do... it's basically a way to communicate how I "feel")

Tyler: anyway catch ya later weirdo... I'm just kinda tired . Thanks for the chat though ^___^

Ok cya weirdo°●°

Why is she so weird? There's enough information on the internet for you to gain some social skills............>~<

Humans get all weird when they text , they're simply having an internal communication with another lifeform using linguistic symbols

"I think I should go to sleep."

I guess she won't be scrolling in me anytime soon

[dogjaws2]

the older i get: the more i find myself writing things about how i am getting older.. And The more I find myself saying things like, "the older I get, _____" like I've won my right to wax poetic about growing. Growth. The transition from one dimension of suffering, to another. Only in the beginning, it doesn't seem like suffering. I don't know. The older I get, the more I suffer. I just accept it now. And Parts of me still fight, but my brain is just like, "yo man that's just how it is going to be. Ok?. Ok." Accepting a reality that you don't agree with is hard. Its like your constantly hating the world and yet still choosing to live in it. The older I get, the more I realize I am just going to have to live through the shitty parts. there is a certain versatility to getting older though. where in, you stop caring so much about fitting into whatever fucking thing you were trying to fit into when you were young. Cool shit isn't really a priority anymore. Cool things become kind of like this bonus part of your life. Like oh hey wow that's really cool. Or at least that's how I feel. I feel like I used to be cool. Maybe that was an illusion. I feel like a loser now. And when I stumble into some cool shit I'm like oh dope I'm hip. What up. I don't know. I guess you become familiar with losing. Unless you're like a fucking jock or something. But You realize that the world can really fuck your shit up. It can take things from you, without asking. So you learn the hard way, that you gotta hold on to the good stuff.. even though sometimes the good stuff is slippery. Sometimes the good stuff doesn't want you to hold on to it. Where am I going with this. Fitting in. You don't put the effort into it like you used to. You're to busy to worry about fitting into some mould. Fuck the moulds man, the moulds are the devil. You want to be the cool guy with the leather jacket and cigarette, nah man that's a hollow fucking identity. With any luck, you start to develop a sort of moral integrity that acts as a compass in social situations. Should I stay and do cocaine all night with these 3 sketchy people? Or should I go home and sleep. Well lets do the math. What do I want out of life. What do I need to do tmrw. Who do I want to be? Morally speaking, is this a good idea? I don't know. The older I get, the more I realize that I have all these great ideas about how to help myself, but I never actually follow through on any of them. You know? Like I end up staying and doing the Cocaine with the 3 sketchy people. Because I cling to the fun side of things still and that's not always practical but its hard to have fun now in days and so when I have the option I'm like fuck ya. I don't know. The older I get the more I realize I don't follow through on things. Getting older has this versatility though, that's where I think I was beginning with this whole thing. Like listening to music for instance. I just have this crazy ability to listen to whatever the fuck I want, and not worry about what anybody else will think. its the effort that starts to slip, i think. i used to be stuck listening to certain genres like a sucker because i thought it had some affect on how others might view me. Seriously. Like I wanted to be perceived a certain way so I had to edit my life accordingly. I couldn't listen to country music because it would mean I'm not cool. Not that I want to listen to country music now but you know what I mean. I'll listen to anything now, because I don't feel like the music I listen to, reflects that much information about me. The only people that would judge me on my music tastes are assholes, and see then fuck those people anyways, right? And yet people are still sooo particular about their music. Like is tied into their ego. Like if you put on the wrong song, you're a loser. sometimes its like its tied into their ego. and i get that, you wanna be about your interests. You wanna seem metal or punk or- eventually you realize that there are things you need to hate, and things you dont. feelings are involuntary most of the time, but experience allows you to develop some sort of clarity in regards to when and where you want to feel stuff. at least thats what i pretend. And so I have stopped hating genres of music, because I feel like that's a waste of time. I know this guy who acts like he knows the best music. Only him. Like if you put on a song and he doesn't like it, he's like all snobby about it and its like. Fuck off. You're being an asshole. I used to be like that but man I have since then learned to appreciate a wide variety of music. I feel like the older I get, the more accepting I am of lots of things. And maybe that is because most of the things I didn't accept when I was young, I was taught not to accept. So somebody else was forming my opinion. I saw somebody else do something and I thought ok ya me too. But when you get older you start really taking stock in your individual tastes in things. You start investing in your own preferences, and its fine and fun to go your own way. When you are young, and you try to stray from the pack, people criticize you for it. I remember people saying to me, "oh you're just trying to be different" "oh Greg always has to be different" and its like, fuckin eh. I was trying to follow my own nose. I was trying to listen to myself instead of just doing what everyone else was doing but it's lonely sometimes. And that's why people always come back to their egos because they feel like it protects them from loneliness. They feel like it insulates them from being looked at as a weirdo. I invested so much time into my ego when I was a kid. Because that's what you think will help you get laid. But Its so liberating to just let go of all those expectations. I can put on spice girls in my truck and fucking blast it with the windows down and roll down the street and not even give a care. When did that happen and like how did that happen? Why was I so afraid when I was a kid. Is that just like part of it? Like you follow the group for survival, and then you realize you can survive on your own so you start celebrating that fact? anyways, i feel like i can listen to anything, freely now. and in part, that is also due to the fact that music is literally accessible from my pocket. it takes me about 34 seconds to find the song i want to listen to. and if i feel like looking for new music, there are limitless opportunities for me to discover new bands. But to be honest, half the time im just trying to remember all the songs that have slipped away from me. all the music i used to listen to, before mp3's were the norm. or at least, all the music that was on my computer, 6 computers ago. and if im not trying to trace those songs down, im looking up new songs, by those old bands. i feel like music should just stop for awhile so i can catch up on all the old stuff. it shouldnt even be an option that you can listen to a single song by itself. it should be the entire album or nothing.like a record. I should buy records. i have heard one song, by 3 million different bands. And I feel badly about that. Maybe the rest of their music is fantastic? But I'm so busy listening to 6 thousand other bands that I only have time for this one song. No that's not true actually I have tried to listen to some albums in full, and in realizing there is only one song i like, i develop a sort of hatred for the band. like, uh ok so i spent 30 mins on this shit and there's nothing catchy. This band sucks. Although I would never say that. okay so then i take back what i said about how you should have to listen to the full album. the fact that you can look up a single song and download it and sing along to it and show your friends and maybe even put it on in the car or at a party and dance to it, thats so cool. and so ya anything goes now. i was looking through the archives of old music blogs i used to visit, and found some 2006 shit and it brought me back man. 10 years ago. i found all these songs and bands that i listened to back then, but never really understood the lyrics to. But now when I listen to that music, with a better understanding of the world, it all sounds a little different. The same. But different, like I can extract more meaning from it or I can see the desperate parts more clearly. also, there was obviously this big high of nostalgia. because it reminded me of myself, back then. in 2006. i graduated in 2006 and life was so fucking different. and its fun to have an excuse to launch yourself back into those memories. some of those memories i never would have remembered had it not been for some of that music. the songs had latched onto the moments better than i had, you know? all of a sudden its like your watching this movie of yourself at 17 or 18, except its not a movie its just music but with that same amount of colour and motion. i can see my friends back then and my old house and i can feel the energy almost. i can feel where my head was at. like my brain is being put into an old shell of itself, but it expands and fits into it like a glove. like ice cubes freezing into a tray. and im there. i think everyone in the world has a love affair for the music from their youth. its got this really sad poetic glow to it, that you can only see when your looking at it from where you are now. there is a song somewhere that has lyrics about something like that "how you can only see the magic password when your looking at it backwards, or through a rear view mirror" or something like that i dont know. and i like that idea in itself, too. i like that idea of reflection. mainly because im at an age where it still feels fun, and not forced. im 28 so its kind of a stretch for me to sit there in a rocking chair and recall my teenage years. i see older people talk about when they where young and its depressing because they are so fucking far away from those days. its literally been a lifetime since they've done some of the shit they talk about. my youngness doesn't feel out of reach. and maybe im delusional because you obviously cant travel back in time, but it still kinda feels like i can talk about it without people rolling their eyes at me. for the record, i do like hearing older people talk about their youth, i know i will get old too. and i dont mean to sound like a hypocrite but. now that i am older. ish. 28. i can listen to anything i want. and that same sort of freedom can be translated to other parts of my life as well. i can eat what i want. i can say what i want. both obviously have repercussions, but nobody will stop me. anything goes for me right now. i do have some financial limitations, and presently, some legal limitations, but nobody is telling me not to have chocolate cake for breakfast. nobody is telling me i can't talk about how trippy the human eye ball is. in fact, i've made it so that the people i spend most of my time with, accept most of the things i do and say. i've surrounded myself with friends that even encourage me. they support my ramblings. they think its cool that i eat chocolate cake. if they didnt think it was cool. i wouldnt hang out with them. Instead of vice versa. one thing i do care about still, is how i dress. it gives me great anxiety to get on the bus in a dirty shirt. i still have trouble finding pants that fit. i am self conscious about how i walk. i can't seem to stop worrying about my physical appearance. high school was way worse, but i just can't shake the feeling that people are paying attention to my outfits or my facial hair or my skinny elbows or my really skinny legs god do i hate my skinny fucking legs. And this is just me being honest. I fucking wish I didn't feel this way oh my god I wish I could just put on pants and a t shirt but nothing fucking fits properly. I see these people who walk into a store and grab the first shirt they see and it fits. I'm like woah how did you do that. Being tall and lanky is a fucking curse when it comes to clothing. maybe this is reflective of my own interest in others physicality. maybe it shows that i am still interested in what other people wear. if i can change my outward perspective, maybe i can change my inward perspective. im gonna work on that. it takes time to learn things about yourself. so much of your young life is spent just doing things because you want to. when you start to figure out why you want to do something. thats when things become complicated. then you develop this ability to feel guilty about your decisions. when you are young, you can avoid all that sort of emotional, moral, responsibility. but when you are older,ish, 28. you don't just see your face or your body in the mirror you see this whole entire life. you see everything its connected to, you see last night and you see the meeting you have tmrw morning and you see this fucking bill you really have to pay but you just cant afford it because you spent all your money on alcohol. again. I guess sometimes you can get away with a good hair day. sometimes you can be on some fucking weird trip that allows you to look in the mirror with confidence. and in those moments, its just a mirror. its just some shiny thing that lets you see how you look. maybe for that moment, you look how you want. sometimes you look in the mirror and you are content. but most of the time, you want something from yourself. when i think about the freedom i have now, vs the freedom i had when i was a kid, i stand on a fence. nobody tells me what to do anymore, but that is also kind of the scary part. i think that freedom to make your own decisions is much more important though, because that's where the individual begins. I miss having my dinner made for me and my food paid for but like i have way more options now. being young, i tried so hard to be this cool guy, that i wasn't even really myself. it was like i was creating a video game character. i was so into myself, that i could barely understand things that didn't somehow have to do with me. like a sunset. i saw it, but i wanted it to be about me somehow. i wanted someone to know i was seeing it or i had to be with someone to prove it was there, maybe? now i have found that i can experience moments in life, by myself and i can let them change me on their own. and that can be my interaction. that is enough on its own. But im not on some conquest to be lonely here either, thats not what im saying. even in moments with people, like the man at the store who i talk to for five minutes. i know ill never see him again and i know he cant do anything for me or my image or whatever, but i actually enjoy talking to him and learning about whatever the fuck it is hes saying. does that make sense? i dont need anything from it. i just enjoy the experience itself. there is that versatility again, like the music. i can listen to anything i want to right now and if someone was to look at me and say, "greg are you fucking listening to dmx," i would say fuck you man this music is what i want to listen to. and i would have conviction saying that. because i believe it. on that front, i have complete freedom. i feel like i can listen to anything. but my favourite thing to listen to, still seems to be, the music that i grew up with. Weird.