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michaelburnhamfanclub · 4 years

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season three is where star trek discovery claims to have found its stride, and i must admit that with the season’s premiere, i was more than inclined to agree. however, now that s3 is complete and we’re able to take a holistic view of all of the resolved and unresolved arcs, i’m still pretty unsatisfied

with the s3 finale, it became clear that the season’s mission in terms of its protagonist was a concise one: to fully prepare michael burnham for the captain’s seat

i was thrilled when michael finally was promoted to captain, but it’s really worth examining the ways that the show went about its final preparations for such a promotion. there were a few major tenants to michael’s character arc across these thirteen episodes, and the following two themes are the ones i think are most worth unpacking in terms of what they do in service of michael’s promotion:

1. michael’s ongoing and complex relationship with isolation

2. michael’s inclination to subvert authority and protocol in service of what is right

i’ll try and unpack these a little bit below the cut

michael and isolation

ever since the very first episode of the very first season, michael burnham has been a character entrenched in her own isolation. in season one, michael found friendship and community on the discovery by forging bonds with sylvia tilly, ash tyler, and paul stamets and by redefining previously broken bonds with saru and the alternate philippa georgiou. one of the main reasons why s1 is kinda still my favorite season is this very aspect of it: michael’s success and the federation’s survival depended on the creation and strength of these bonds

season two continued michael’s experience of isolation by introducing her estranged and tortured relationship with spock. the major theme of michael’s character in this season was her instinct to “reach” for the people who always seemed furthest from her despite everything (i.e., she “reached” for her parents, spock, tilly, etc.). this was the final message she imparted to spock: the act of reaching for others will always be the most worthwhile thing, even if you are unable to ever touch them. michael was finally able to connect with spock only to be launched into the future

season three picks up on this theme in what i think is the most conceivably devastating way possible. michael is isolated for a whole year from the crew of the discovery, and when she returns into the fold, nobody reaches for her.

now, a huge part of why the first and third episodes hit me so hard is because i really thought they were going somewhere meaningful with this. she loses so much, and the gratitude directed towards her in the third episode is directly acknowledged as NOT ENOUGH. michael stands among her found family in the halls of the discovery, a family she has mourned for a year, and tilly says, “you let us go, didn’t you?” and there seems to be purpose to it

the first half of season three sees michael feeling lost, struggling to find a single reason why she should feel like she should belong with these people on this ship anymore. tilly and saru both clearly understand this, and instead of seeing any efforts on their part to welcome her back into their family, they further contribute to her feelings of isolation and make HER apologize for keeping THEM out of the loop (and yeah i understand that these apologies have to do with breaches in starfleet protocol but rn i’m only focusing on the interpersonal implications). the only meaningful connections that michael is able to maintain this season are with book and georgiou. and while i adore them both, georgiou leaves before the season ends and book is from the future and isn’t a discovery crew member, which makes it feel like when michael says she doesn’t think she belongs on the discovery, she’s RIGHT

this first half of development would’ve been all well and good if it had been carried out to its logical conclusion, which would have been the discovery crew fighting to make michael feel like she belongs, but that never happened. instead, we get unification iii, which is a great episode on its own, but it only resolves michael’s internal feelings regarding her place in starfleet, not the interpersonal tension that’s made her feel more isolated than she’s been since, like, maybe even early season one.

this is all to say that i don’t understand how this unfulfilled arc generates michael’s preparedness to stay on the discovery as captain, unless we’re going with the “the captain defines themself as separate from the crew because they’re the captain” narrative that star trek does admittedly love. i would be more into it if i was sure that discovery would actually explore that isolation with the care it deserves

it could be cool to potentially explore a discussion or resolution of this arc next season by bringing commander nhan back as michael’s first officer, another character who felt disconnected enough from the discovery’s crew to actually decide to leave, but idk i guess we’ll see

michael and authority

i’ve talked about how michael’s s1 character arc was a journey to learn how to subvert authority before. she starts the show as “the mutineer,” and this is a signifier we can’t forget

my roommate and i have also talked a lot about how the command structure of the discovery is so fucking weird, and i think a large part of it is because it naturally organizes itself around its heart, which is a position that michael instinctively and effortlessly occupies (though that is not to say that this effortlessness is not without its own suffering---michael being the heart of the discovery is what leads to the reinforcement of her martyr complex, though that’s not the focus of this post so i won’t dwell there)

season three’s essential question that it sets up with michael centers around doing the right thing her way or doing the right thing starfleet’s way. in her year alone, michael is finally able to define herself outside of starfleet, and she likes who she finds. this is one of the main reasons she struggles to reinsert herself into the crew of the discovery, this is the reason she rejects the idea of being the crew’s captain outright, and this is the reason saru gives for demoting her. this is the eventual reason that michael sends paul in an escape pod to the federation hq instead of immediately trying to jump for hugh, saru, and adira. this is the reason that she is eventually promoted to captain

tbh i would have had less issue with this storyline if not for a couple key details: (1) michael was punished for subverting starfleet protocol when other characters (like keyla or tilly) were encouraged or rewarded for it. (2) idk i feel like we’ve exceeded the bounds of the whole “needs of the many/needs of the few” ideological tenant, which was (i think) something that the ni’var president even SAID.

when it comes down to it, i just think that michael’s complicated relationship with subverting authority deserves a much more complicated storyline. i do think that this is something we’ll see more of in s4 because it’s always going to be one of the greatest tenants of her character, but that doesn’t change the fact that it seems to have fallen rather flat in s3 for me. i’d argue that this is because discovery doesn’t seem to want to commit to its serialized style as much anymore, but maybe that’s for another post lmao

i don’t think i’ve quite found a way to properly articulate it yet, but michael taking the captain’s seat was supposed to be the culmination of three seasons of buildup. however, the buildup that the show suggested in the s3 finale seemed to be based on things that michael had already earned by the s3 premiere. her relationship with authority this season felt. idk. maybe it’s because this was kinda the first time the show attempted to show michael as a subordinate on the discovery instead of as the heart of the discovery, but it felt like it just wasn’t the natural place to take that particular element of her characterization. i’m hoping that s4 will deliver on this front, but the main thing is that i don’t think s3 did

tl;dr s3 was not what i was hoping for in terms of furthering michael’s character, and now that she’s captain i would love for these two elements of her characterization to be explored to their full and complicated conclusions

#star trek discovery #michael burnham #god this is long #been trying to settle my thoughts for days and well here they are #as they exist today at least

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mariaiscrafting · 3 years

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i saw you talk about “blocking etiquette” in one of your posts and i was wondering if you could briefly explain that? my blog is a baby (i joined in march) so i really don’t know any of the unspoken social rules haha. i feel i should know this before i say anything ever thats dream critical lmao

also saw you have a ton of asks so feel free to answer or not there’s no obligation ! take care of urself it seems like a lot to handle rn

I'd like to preface this by disclaiming that I've been on Tumblr since 2014, so I think I have a good sense of blocking etiquette as it's evolved with Tumblr culture, but I might still be presumptuous/wrong about some things.

Anyways. So, on Tumblr, there's generally always been a "block first, ask questions later" mentality. No matter the fandom, people kinda just unfollow or block people at will because Tumblr's algorithm is so shit at recommending things for people that unfollowing/blocking are really the primary ways to tailor what you don't want to see. So, if you frequent a search term/tag search, like "dream smp," you'd likely block someone who posts things frequently to that tag, but whose content you dislike. Blocking is, obviously, still used as a means to stop interacting with just plain assholes, as it is on every social media site. But more times than not, Tumblr users block blogs for neutral reasons related to how they want to tailor their social media experience, rather than a personal vendetta against someone.

Frankly, from my perspective, this was the main use of block lists back in the day. They weren't so much ways to truly hate on anyone's blog since anyone deemed a true asshole would likely spur a reporting campaign against them, rather than an addition to a blocklist. No, Tumblr blocklists were almost always so people who frequented certain tags simply... didn't have to put up with some people. If there was a wave of problematic shippers inundating a fandom/character tag, of TERFs inundating trans/feminism tags, or something similar, they would likely be put on a blocklist simply because Tumblr users wanted a comprehensive list of people they might come across, but didn't want to have to see posts from. Along a similar vein, a lot of mcytblr blogs advocate simply blocking people who post imagines in the main mcyt/dream smp tags, rather than harrassing each and every one of them into fixing their tag habits. Like, they're just annoying, really, and this social media site is so big that just blocking the ones who frequent the tag is so much easier than anything else.

One notable difference about Tumblr blocking as compared to Twitter blocking is the malintent behind Twitter blocking. Twitter fandom subtwts will advocate for blocking someone particularly if they're being cancelled/a Twitter user simply dislikes them enough. In addition, I've seen more than one Twitter user unironically say that they block people who unfollow them, as if following/unfollowing them were a personal affront, and blocking people were some component of this social game that reeks of cliqueness and high school levels of maturity.

That isn't to say that Tumblr blocking etiquette doesn't have pitfalls, because it has many. The main one I've noticed is that, especially in smaller fandom spaces, someone who's considered problematic might be enmassed blocked by lots of users in that fandom, and effectively be shut out of that fandom. If they're put onto a blocklist, a problematic post is circulated enough, or they're blocked by enough "big blogs" in the fandom, these users can be kept from reblogging, liking, or sending asks to a large part of the fandom they participate in. Vague posting doesn't really get you anywhere on Tumblr because of how insular each blog is, as opposed to Twitter, where screenshotting someone's profile who's blocked you and/or complaining very obviously about someone blocking you without naming them is commonplace and can be easily spread throughout a subtwt. This means Tumblr blogs who were mass blocked end up reaching much less members of their fandom, cannot really stand up for themselves in the face of mass blocking unless they're infamous enough for people to recognize their name, or participate in the discourse that promoted their blocking in the first place. While I haven't really experienced this, all of this is taken from what I've observed mutuals and recognizable blogs going through over the years.

Another note is that this website is kinda fucked, coding-wise. We all know this. This means that there are a million holes in the blocking system that make it even more annoying to navigate when people have blocked you, and that ends up getting more people blocked than maybe should be.

First of all, those imagine blogs aren't just posting in the main tags for shits and giggles, or to be cumbersome and clutter the main tags. They're doing it because Tumblr is dying, and even in a fandom as big as mcytblr, it's almost impossible to boost/promote your original content. The Tumblr algorithm sucks at spreading awareness about popular posts, more and more Twitter refugees means less and less people who fucking reblog > liking posts, and basically the only way posts can blow up anymore is by being found through a tag that is trending or frequently browsed through the "most recent" setting. This includes dream smp and many smp character names, so obviously imagine blogs are going to take advantage of this and maintag. It's the reason mcytblr constantly tags "m*necraft" despite being told off, time and time again, for doing so by mineblr. And it's the reason I've likely been blocked by many people- because I had to make the decision between spreading awareness of a post that took a lot of effort and that I thought was important enough to main tag despite being critical/negative, or keeping mcytblr happy by not cluttering their bias's tag with a crit post. Sure, some of mcytblr likely blocked me because they thought I was annoying/disagree with me, and that's fine. But I'm sure many blocked me for the same reason I block imagine blogs and mineblr blocks dream smp stans- because they wanted to peruse their fave's tags, and they simply blocked a random blog that posted something they didn't like, without really thinking much of it.

Second of all, side blogs kinda fuck up how blocking works. It's annoying as hell to see a post you really like in the main tag/search, only to find that the person blocked you upon trying to reblog. Because of sideblogs, people will oftentimes block a sideblog because it's that user's fandom blog, without blocking their main, so the user is left kinda seeing their stuff time and time again, without being able to interact with it.

Speaking of how fucky the code is because of the blogging system, reblogs make it even worse. Most social media sites simply make it so a blocked user cannot see another user's profile, posts and all. But Tumblr not only allows this, it kinda fucks up the search function by sometimes allowing people you've blocked/who've blocked you to show up in main tag searches, it didn't take into account the fact that you can still see an OP's post when someone else reblogs it, and Tumblr didn't think to just fucking fix all these holes and just wholly omit someone's posts if they've blocked you, or you've blocked them. So, despite blocking people, you can still be logged in and see all their shit, and they can see yours. It's kind of annoying as fuck.

#a nyways this was so fucking long why did i do this #im so bored im gonna play minecraft bc fuck my life and responsibility or whatever #asks #tumblr meta #mcyt #dream smp #tumblr #blocking #also i didnt proofread this i apologize if its relatively incoherent

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grungegoths · 4 years

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Almost everyone is asleep rn so i can peacefully rant about a post which bothered me today for some reason since OP disabled comments n i couldn't comment under the post directly but anyways heres the post in case any of my mutuals who are fans of harry think im indirecting them coz im not :

Anyways firstly whats THE funniest is that OP is like "Um i dont pay proper attention to louis so idk everything about his situation uwu " but then proceeds to write almost TWENTY. PARAGRAPH. POST talking about louis' situation n there might be more than 20 paragraphs for all i know but i didn't bother counting but its SO FUCKING FUNNY how these ppl claim that they dont care about louis then write PARAGRAPHS discussing in perfect details about louis tomlinson's label, management, promo cycle and charts which even I and many louis' fans dont know.

Almost as if these ppl are wayy more obsessed with louis than his OWN FANS lmao. Also second thing thats annoying me about this post is that shes acting like its only the artists with "real talent" and "public pull", attention of GP and fan following who get good promo, media and GP attention as if there arent loads of artists who dont even have half of Louis tomlinson's fanbase and attention and yet get booked for big gigs and promo spaces and have their songs get high radio play and recognition and youtube views.

Yall mean to tell me pedophiles like 6ixx9iine have more “pull” than louis tomlinson since his youtube video got millions of views within hours??Yall mean to tell me rapists like R Kelly have more “pull” than louis tomlinson since his songs chart even after hes been convicted??Yall mean to tell me artists who dont even have half the fanbase of louis tomlinson and always lose in twitter polls by radio stations asking fans what songs to play next have less pullthan louis tomlinson?? miss me with that bullshit.

This is getting long so im putting a read more anyways :

In 2016-17 niall and liam didnt even had half of solo fanbase as louis did. Thats just a fact.Yet niall and liam's labels and management invested huge amount of money and resources to get them into big playlists, radio stations and tv performances so that the media and GP could recignize tgeir talents. Niall was doing jingle balls in 2016 with only ONE song which too didnt chart much. And liam too managed to have strip that down in US itunes and radio play charts for a loong time thanks to all the promo he got.

In 2016 n 2017 first two of louis' solo songs got loads of streams n itunes sales without much promo and Back to you i e his most popular solo song was getting millions of views within days and hours. YET his team didnt bother doing good promo for any of his next singles or increasing his media visibility.He was MIA for long periods only to release nothing in 2018. The ONE song which got a decent promo after BTY was We Made It which also managed to crack top 30 US radio charts.His album went #1 on 50+ countries YET his team didnt bother booking him for ANY PROMO in the UK and did like ONE DAY of promo in the US .THATS IT .

The fact louis tomlinson does not have the "pull" is L A U G H A B L E. He had enough "pull" to gather a huge solo fanbase who waited for FIVE YEARS for him to release his solo album and tour, have that solo album reach #1 in itunes of 50+ counties, get a top 5 UK official charts and top 10 US album charts albums through their efforts ALONE with NEGLIGIBLE promo and have many of the shows of his tour being sold out. Many artists would PAY to have this type of loyal fanbase. No pull my ass

Louis hinted at releasing an album in 2017,18 and 19 but it was only in 2020 when he lost a huge chunk of his fanbase and GP attention that he got to release his first album .This NOT a case of “This artist doesnt have enough talent,pull or resources to get more recognition” this is a case of “ an artist’ team deliberately sabotaging any chances of the artist getting commercial success and ensuring that the artist gets as less visibility as possible”.

There are loads of artists who i wouldnt even have heard of if it wasnt for the fact that they were appearing on big promo channels.Artists like post malone, billie eilish,lizzo,lewis capadli,dua lipa, doja cat etc etc ALL were releasing equally amazing music wayy before they got big in the industry but it wasnt till their music labels and managements started investing money and resources into promoting them and putting their songs into big playlists and booking them for big tv and festival performances that they got famous and recognized by the GP.

Need more examples? just look at zayn malik and how he is the most vocally talented out of all of 1d and how his 1st album to went #1 and got huge sales and streams ALL bc his team his music into big playlists and booked him for at least some good promo YET his second album performed horribly despite being equally amazing as the first ALL bc his team didnt bothered promoting it AT ALL and sabotaged his physical copies deliveries.

Even Harry styles’ first album didnt performed as good as his second even tho he was the most anticipated solo member of 1d since his songs werent on big playlists and he didnt do more than 1 week worth of promo for it.He still had the same pull and resources then as he does now, what changed then??

EVERY artist no matter how good they are, needs the money and time of their label and management to establish themselves.Even the shittiest artists can get huge recognition and popularity if they are showed down people’s throats enough times.The current music industry is not about talent or resources but about how much an artist can be “sold” to the public and louis’ team didnt do a well enough job of it. THATS IT.

Harry wouldnt be where he is if he didnt had his whole label and management team 100% on his side ready to use any opportunity to promote him in the GP. Stop pulling out stupid excuses to justify your unnecessary hatred of louis , accept that he is just being sabotaged by his team and if you REALLY dont care about louis anymore then stop keeping tabs on him THIS desperately

#anyways this was long and was a loooooooooong time coming please ignore it if u dont want to see me ranting about stupid fandom discourse #louis tomlinson #1d #louis #text

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butterfliesinthenightsky · 3 years

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hi sweetheart !! may i please req an ateez and bts personality ship ?? my description was SUPER long (I GOT CARRIED AWAY </3) so you can cut my request at the personality part when posting my ship! tysm in advance <3

I’m an ‘03 liner that’s 5’9.5 (basically 5’10) with dark skin, jet black hair (currently in long twists rn!!), and i’m on the curvier side (esp hips and my thighs) !! some of my favorite features are my plump lips (and i have a beauty mark near the inside of my bottom lip!), my long legs (they’re 40.5 inches long and look so good in dresses and skirts <33), my kempt and pretty fingernails, and my eyelashes !!! i’m a virgo (and surprisingly i get along with all the signs, i cant think of a sole zodiac sign i DONT mix well with but i love cancers and virgos <33) ! i’m also an ambivert all the way! i often come off as cold/shy/quiet when meeting new people (one of my closest friends avoided me for a month before meeting me because i looked so intimidating LMAO), but once you get close to me i turn into a goofy (heavy on the goofy im never not laughing) bundle of warmth and love: i will never stop texting them the <3 emoji every morning or buying my friends/s/o their favorite starbucks order when they need a little cheer-me-up. also, lots of people say i’m mature and carry myself well, but around my friends i’m one of the most goofiest people ever (probably bc my face will literally be 😐 one sec and then 🥰 the next second when someone makes me laugh <3)

tysm in advance!!! Have an amazing day/afternoon/evening!

@anpanseok DARLING! I hope you love your ship <3 I'm actually really proud of this one, you'll have to let me know what you think! <3

In ATEEZ, I ship you with one and only demon San!

(I thought you'd like that gif ;) )

Okay, when you were describing all of the things that you would want in the relationship, I thought of San due to how clingy and affectionate he is with the other members of ATEEZ. He is a Cancer, which is good because that is one of the star signs that are compatible with yours. I don't believe that the age difference of four years would be that much of an issue, especially since San acts younger than he is most of the time anyway. I feel like most men are intimidated when their female significant other is tall themselves, but he is tall himself and I feel like the fact that you are taller is kind of one of his favorite things about you? One of his other favorite things about you are your curves, he always puts his hand on your thighs during movie night at the boys' dorm or in the back pocket of your jeans when you two are walking into KQ Entertainment together. When you wear dresses when all of you go out to fancy dinners together, he has to hold himself back because he ADORES you when you wear dresses! You said you're am ambivert, I feel like he relates to that in some form of way, like I feel like there are certain situations where he feels a bit more introverted about. Sometimes Hongjoong has to scold him because he texts you so much, but he can't stay mad at you when you pop into the building with their favorite Starbucks drinks and hand-made lunch boxes for them. Just as you always support his creative endeavors, he always returns it for you tenfold and when you are talking about issues you care deeply about, he gives you his full attention and stares at you lovingly. Not just San, but all of the boys, come to you whenever they are dealing with stress and they just want someone to talk to because you are so amazing at giving advice and supporting them. There was a time when a sasaeng approached you, San, Wooyoung and Jongho when you were doing some late night grocery shopping when another ATINY stopped her, causing an argument and nasty words to be exchanged. Let's just say, you shut that sasaeng down REAL quick when you heard some of the things she said. One day you woke up and found a present that San made for you, a mixtape of all of your favorite songs from all your favorite genres of music, along with a little keychain that had tokens of all of the states you had visited. He wholeheartedly loves you and he makes every effort to support all of your dreams. When he has days off from work, the two of you make a blanket fort in your living room and watch old episodes of Forensic Files and Law & Order: SVU, whilst surrounded by fluffy blankets and a couple of his favorite plushies. His life an idol doesn't afford him much down time, unfortunately, but he always makes time for you and you always have the craziest adventures with not only each other, but all of the other boys as well. Squishy San will want all of the cuddles, have you SEEN how affectionate he is with the other members?! Also, him in all black outfits.... YES, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. One day he was visiting your apartment and he surprised you with matching beaded pearl bracelets and he never takes it off, not even for performances. The boys don't really think nothing of walking into the bathroom to brush their teeth whilst one of the others is showering, that just comes with their busy schedules and their dorm life. Let's just say this: Mingi wasn't able to look you in the eyes for two weeks because he did just that, not realize that you had snuck in and stayed the night, and were currently going to the bathroom whilst San was in the shower. Your camera roll is not only filled with silly pictures of San that you've captured, but of the most magazine worthy, model pictures you have ever been lucky enough to take. He accepts you for all of your flaws, and helps you to try to work on them, however that may be and you do the same for him.

In summary: You both are simps for each other and I AM HERE FOR IT.

In BTS, I ship you with Namjoon!

Another tall boy for you, I got you! You both are Virgos, but I looked it up worried that two Virgos would clash, and it said that they would be very intuitive with each other and would understand each other! The age gap is quite large, I don't know how okay you are with that? I know everyone has different preferences. He approached you first when he saw you at the mom & pop coffee shop/cafe around the corner from your apartment, and he thought you were the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Another man who I don't think would be bothered by your curves (men can be shallow dicks), I think that is his favorite thing (same as San) about you. Not even in a sexual way, I feel like his hands would always end up on your butt without him even noticing. Most of the time, one of the other boys will point it out when all of you are hanging out together, and he will be proud that he has a significant other like you, but he almost might become a shy mess about it I feel like. I feel like he can get jealous, just because you are closest to Jungkook in the group and you often pull pranks on the other members together. There is never a shortage of laughs when all of you are together, pure crackhead energy if I've ever seen it, just non stop jokes and banter between all of you. You were able to get time off from work and were actually able to join them (their managers were surprisingly chill about you tagging along? CONFUSION?) on their tour around Europe and you had so many memories. You actually brought along a Polaroid camera that you found in a little store one day when the two of you were shopping, and you ended up having to buy an extra suitcase on the trip because you took LITERAL hundreds of pictures of all of your adventures and the tour shenanigans. He has childish tendencies, I feel like he would love to play Roblox with you? I feel like he would take a very mathematical approach to building things, that's just the vibe I get from him. He often stares at you when you're doing your makeup in the morning, he finds it fascinating and he even asked you to do his makeup for some of his shows. His makeup artists weren't angry, luckily, all of their staffs absolutely adore you two together. He is all up for adventures, I feel like he would chicken out at the idea of skydiving, though lol. You keep stealing his sweaters, which he low-key highkey is SO happy about because he loves the way that you look in them. The size difference is only three or four inches (I've seen people say he's 6 feet, but then others say he's 6 foot 2, WHICH IS IT?!), so it's pretty easy to sneak kisses from him whenever you want them when you're together. If he sees you struggling to stay awake whilst studying, he'll softly close your book and drag you over to your bed for a couple hours so you can take a quick nap to regain the energy. I don't really know his temperament that well, he has to be rather even-tempered to deal with those hooligans he calls the rest of BTS, so I feel like you wouldn't have that many fights. You both are always striving to help each other to be the best versions of each other you can be. You joined the boys on vacation at a lake house and one night you were having dinner and he blushed after you said something cheeky to him, causing you to say to him, "You look like a cute tomato when you blush, my cutie pie." in front of the other members. Needless to say, he turned even more red and the boys teased him mercilessly for the rest of the night. Don't know how the cooking would go (this boy is a DISASTER in the kitchen), but you would have fun learning new dishes. He would brag about getting a dish right, and you quickly praise him but also say, " and that's why you a big ass head.", causing him to die laughing. He is the very definition of a hard worker, and I feel like he would love being praised and doing the same for his significant other, so I'm glad that you said that you liked the words of affirmation love language, because GET READY. He's definitely been buffing up (I SCREAM WHENEVER I SEE PICTURES OF HIM NOWADAYS), so

his hugs would always be the best things, so warm and comforting. Don't know how you feel about children? We've all seen that VLive where this idiot literally bought baby shoes because he thought they were cute, so I think he would definitely want children down the road in your relationship if you were both comfortable with it. Best father and husband award goes to him.

In conclusion: SIMP. SIMP. SIMP. SIMP. SIMPPPPPPPPPPPP.

#kpop ships #kpop submission #ateez #bts #choi san #kim namjoon #submission

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fmdtaeyongarchive · 3 years

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q3 2021 update & plot call !!

below the cut, you can find an update on ash’s current life, career (or rather absence of), and development for quarter three, as well as plot and thread ideas! if you see anything that you’d like to plot out or write with him, like this or message me, and we can get to it! i have a lot in mind about where ash is right now, so i might add more and expand later on!

mentions of ash’s continuing struggle with mental illness under the cut in case you don’t wanna read that rn

professionally

ash is on hiatus the whole quarter so... not much going on here.

uhh basically the first two days of july he was still trying to get bc to let him take a break so schedule threads could be set then if they cross paths at the bc building! he’s going to be participating in concert rehearsals for knight to a less intense extent since bc, as of the beginning of his hiatus, fully intends him to participate in the concerts. he’ll miss about the first half of the tour, but in july and august he’ll still be attending knight tour rehearsals some to keep up. schedule threads can also be done then!

(note that he’ll be missing the bc city concert as well — i don’t see him dropping by just to support either tbh, sorry bc ppl. white knight duo ver tho let’s gooooooooooo)

ash will eventually start writing music and finding his love of that again though and that’s pretty much the most work he can do during his hiatus, so it’d be cool to maybe have him write, compose, or produce for a few people that might be releasing later this year or sometime next year if anyone is interested? :) we can see if ash would work for it. there’s also opening for him to ask a few people he’s close to to sing some demos for him when he starts trying to write again!

personally + plot ideas!

explaining how he got to his hiatus would take me all day but he basically forced bc’s hand in letting him take time off (well, he wanted to leave knight and retire ngl but his manager was like... you know that’s not going to happen let’s try a hiatus <3). you can read my badly-written solos for part of it (i still need to write more) but generally, the most other muses might know is that they might have run into him acting kinda moody/down or impulsive/irresponsible lately, he made a very uncharacteristic post on social media that hinted at being unhappy with his life currently and losing passion/excitement for even the things he used to value most highly before his social media was deactivated by bc lmaaooo. the post would have probably conveyed Something was up it it wasn’t like genuinely super triggering-level content i promise !! bc released a statement shortly after stating he’d be going on hiatus without mentioning a definitive end date.

so there’s the possibility a muse might have checked up on him after that post / the hiatus news to see how he was doing?

tbh ash isn’t going to be seeking out meeting new people during his hiatus. he’s taking time to himself and is only going to make any effort to hang out with people he’s comfortable with. those he’s not close to, he’s going to have to interact with by running into unintentionally.

he’s getting a place in jeju in the early-ish part of his hiatus. he’ll be spending a lot of time there at first because he just wants to get away from seoul, so it’d be nice to set some threads there if your muse has the time to hop over to visit him if they have anything resembling a free day. (again a certain level of closeness would be necessary, but i think one good heart to heart conversation beforehand could bring someone closer to him enough for that rn! even over text tbh lmao). chuseok would be a really good time for this !! i imagine catching up over lowkey dinners or heart to hearts under the stars, that found family ash has actively fought having lol

(that place in jeju is also going to be where he starts to want to write music again too, so music based stuff there would be chill?)

heart to hearts in general anywhere would be really good for ash right now so please give me those! they can be in seoul too for sure.

he’ll be moving into a new apartment in seoul eventually, though that will probably be a little later in his hiatus? he had some bad fan/sasaeng run-ins right before his hiatus and having so much time off makes him realize he wants to move. someone can help him house hunt or if someone else is looking for a place, they can talk together about it. i want him to realize he wants to move into a smaller place that can feel more like home

once he does move, muses are free to come over and help him set up / be his one-man housewarming party. that’s a little down the line tho !! so we might not want to plot that as a thread to write right this instant

he may also be getting a pet ! muses can come look with him at a shelter or he can run into people there!

this would be a little later in his hiatus, but it’d be interesting if once he’s doing a little better, he gets the urge to dance and runs into a muse at the dance studio. idk that he’ll ever fall completely back in love with dancing, but he might rediscover some of what he did love about dancing and ash and this muse often run into each other as he visits that dance studio a little more often and they eventually bond over it / do some dancing together.

those who still really have that passion for making music ash has lost, talk to him about it <3 he misses it. he might cry but tbh he’s liable to cry in any thread

he’s cutting his hair short and dying it back to black this month, so it would be possible to run into him at the hair salon!

ash will want to be inside at home mostly at the beginning of his hiatus, but as it goes on, he’ll start to branch out and that will offer some more opportunities to hang out. he’ll try not to go to bars and clubs really, but small music venues or jazz lounges, small indie cinemas, galleries, those kind of things will be up his alley

idk that there’s much plotting to be had around this, but this long hiatus on top of the other hiatuses he’s had and his acting out before this hiatus is going to make some of the bc team realize it might not be super wise to keep pushing him hard as a cf model (and in the long run, just less of pushing him as a major idol star within the company in general tbh) so he’ll be able to get some more tattoos and piercings and will become more comfortable, hopefully, with presenting himself how he wants to be seen / having some development in that good ol’ lack of bodily autonomy aspect ash has always had going on. he’ll be coming out of hiatus living much more of his 2021 jk fc truth with the full sleeve and the eyebrow piercing .

uhhh ? pretty far down the line but i’ll mention it while it’s on my mind :) i think it’d be cool if ash did a collab (mini-)album (or two?) at some point after getting off hiatus. i’d want it to be someone he really clicks with creatively (though they don’t have to be a songwriter — i can see it working as collaborative songwriting or as ash feeling really inspired to write for them) and wants to work with since it’s not going to be something he’s letting bc push him into it at that point, and something that just happens organically. realistically, this would work with a female vocal best by far, maybe a male rapper just based on the songs ash does / i can see him doing. probably wouldn’t want to commit to anything fully rn unless it really clicks but i wanted to throw the idea out there :)

uhmmm?? ig i should also mention ash will be paying attention to his health both mental and physical he’s been neglecting for a while. there isn’t too much to say regarding plotting here because he needs to handle it himself with trying new therapy, medications, understanding there’s some stuff beyond “just” his depression going on. coming to accept nothing’s ever going to be perfect, but that self-awareness and effort can help more than denial can. not super plot potential-y but i’ll mention it since this is all the personal update section

basically, ash is taking time to recover mentally (and physically) and ultimately hopefully leave hiatus in a better place than he started where he can be more comfortable in his career, even if just a little bit, in himself, and in his life. if he can have some good, developing threads during the time, that’d be great!

#&& there's nobody home | ooc #fmdcall #&& queued

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chikkou · 4 years

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Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them.

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER.

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors.

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after.

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence.

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be.

#lisa the first #lisa the painful #lisa the joyful #long post #yall GOTTA stop u know good and damn well i will talk about this game all fucking day hdskjdsk #rape mention #abuse mention #lisa #anya's anons

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the-kipsabian · 3 years

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its so hard to talk about my interests even to this day without feeling like im either annoying or that everyone hates me if i say as much as a word about a topic someone else is indifferent about

not only do i have awful past experiences about it (tho tbf it has gotten better as ive gotten older and ive learned to embrace some parts of my interest and sharing them with others but its. still very hard for me honestly) but i also suffer from social anxiety which makes any kind of interactions very hard for me at times, so that combination is perfect to just mess any kind of friendships i wanna build up about anything really

hence why i just. cant really bring myself to be very communicative or engaging in fandoms, cause even tho i see common ground and interests, i will always have that fear of disinterest and rejection cause ive been down that road with some of my most important friendships at an early age and it fucking wrecked me ngl

i know i talk about myself a lot some times. but online its much easier, on tumblr its way easier - i dont feel like im put on a spot to talk to someone face to face about things or to introduce myself in front of others that dont wanna talk to me or dont care about the same things i do. i know i have to put more effort into it this way, to try to find and engage with people (that, again, i rarely do cause im awful at everything lmao), but at the same time i can just punt kick a thought into the blue void and maybe tumblr will show it to someone. maybe they will see it, read it, and be like “oh hey cool” and something comes from that. its much easier with that kind of a buffer in the interaction for me, than to have to do this with someone face to face within the span of five minutes before they decide that they dont care and/or they hate me for what i like. i mean sure, on tumblr/internet that might happen as well, but i feel like since there is a physical distance, its easier for me. social anxiety is a bitch yall

anyways.. ive just been feeling kinda low lately. even more so today. im kinda lonely rn, i guess this is one of those kind of “hey come talk to me i swear im nice” type of posts. im not entirely sure. just got into thinking after that last reblog and. well yeah. im just bad at social stuff, im aware of it and working on it, but at the same time im just. i dont feel like i fit in. ive been hurt too many times by other people specifically about the stuff i love to be brave enough all the time to make an effort myself. it gets exhausting and im already tired and i just. i dont know. im trying to keep positive, but that means mainly sticking to myself. and some times thats hard when you see other ppl having fun and having friends and someone to talk to

i dont know if there was a point to this or not but hey thanks for coming to my ted talk im gonna pour more coffee in me and write some study notes clean yay

#night is an absolute mess on main

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maraudersandlily20 · 4 years

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Hope

If you haven’t read the first part, probably go do that. But here’s a small recap: I wrote stories about Hope and Lyall Lupin before they got married, I made @the-moon-and-stars-my-love read it almost two years ago and her commentary still makes me laugh. So I am going to post the story with the commentary interspersed. Enjoy! Her commentary will be labeled, bolded, and italicized.

Part 2

Carolina: i see that there is gonna be a part two and i aM READY AND HERE FOR IT

It had been two weeks since she had seen him. Two full weeks. She knew, because she had counted. Many, many times. And though she would never admit it, it rather hurt.

Carolina: ohhh goodness my heart is breaking a bit for her. she felt ghosted. or, well, as ghosted as you can be in the 1950s without things like snapchat and all that tech stuff but she literally has no way to contact him?? of course she's hurt :(

Had she made the whole thing up? Was Lyall Lupin simply a figment of her imagination? Those thoughts came to her as the first week came to an end. And then, she would look over on her dresser to see the gleam of silver of that piece of chocolate, which had earned a kind of place of honor beside her hairbrush, and knew she hadn’t made anything up. He was real. Which meant that he just hadn’t come to see her again.

That truth made her wish that he hadn’t been real at all.

Carolina: stop stop it right now that's so unfair they had such a lovely time and now you're making this happen??? rUDE

To her embarrassment, she had replayed their meeting over and over again in her mind, wondering if perhaps she had been too forward with her desire to see him again. But HE was the one who had said he wanted to return, even if it was just to “check up on her”. She had seen the way his eyes had lit up when she agreed to that and she knew he was just as intrigued by her as she was by him.

At least, she had thought so.

Carolina: you can see how she's trying to rationalize and i mean she's really not wrong but her fear that she was too forward is so real and oh man Lyall you better make this up to her

Two weeks of radio silence was making her question that. It was making her question everything.

Groaning in frustration, Hope tried to push the annoying and persistent thoughts away. Her mother was at the market and had left Hope in charge of making the bread for dinner that evening. It was a tiring chore, but it gave her hands something to do while she contemplated the mysterious man again and again. She was kneading the dough slowly, rubbing in more and more flour, becoming rougher with her movements as she recalled the details of their meeting.

It had almost been a type of fairytale. He had rescued her from the brute in the forest, and sat beside her while she was unconscious to ensure her safety, then he had escorted her home, and had promised to return to see her again soon.

If anyone else had told her a similar story, she probably would have gushed along with them, reassuring them that the young man was just as interested in them as they thought.

Carolina: you and me both Hope wheRE IS MY FAIRYTALE STORY???

And then, as time went on, she would change her tune, perhaps suggesting that he was too good to be true and wasn’t interested in letting the poor girl down. Hope knew that that’s how she would treat the situation from an outsider’s perspective. But she wasn’t an outsider. It had happened to her, and she really REALLY wanted him to return with his perfect explanation and tell her how mad he was for her.

It was very unrealistic.

“Stupid Lyall Lupin and his stupid beautiful face and his stupid kind gestures and his stupid chocolate and his stupid everything. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” she muttered, slamming the dough onto the table with her final exclamation.

Carolina: "boys are stupid" is the vibe i'm getting from her and honestly what a mood

Realizing how foolish she was behaving, she took a step back and placed her hands on her hips, trying to calm herself. She stared down at the abandoned dough covered with deep indents from her fingers and shook her head.

“And stupid me, for believing in him in the first place.”

Carolina: yOU DID NOTHING WRONG (Carolina will fight anyone in regards to Hope, as I have learned)

That was the rub, the thing that bothered Hope the most. She considered herself to be rather clever and not very naive. But this was different. She had met a beautiful stranger in the woods, let him sweet talk her, even escort her home. He was kind and amiable and seemed like the stuff of dreams. Then he vanished without another word. Now she was thinking it had all been a ruse, the stuff of dreams after all.

With a sigh, she made to go back to the dough and finish the task at hand, though it seemed like the least important thing to her at that moment. Bread had none of the answers she needed. She rolled her eyes to the ceiling. She just had to get through the day, and then she could try to forget Lyall Lupin. It would probably never happen, but she could dream. Hope made to grab the dough again when she heard something, like a soft thump. The noise was coming from the front of the house and after a moment, it sounded almost as if someone was cursing softly. She peered around the table, curious, when a quick knock echoed in the air. It startled her enough to make her jump and she laughed at herself.

They weren’t expecting guests that night, so there shouldn’t have been anyone dropping by. But nobody in town cared much about boundaries and always did as they pleased regardless. It wasn’t uncharacteristic of the town to show up around supper and beg for scraps. Hope’s mother was always gracious toward their unexpected guests, while Hope always wanted to roll her eyes. She was curious though and headed toward the door. As she neared, she realized that there was a chance it was Miles. The thought almost made her ignore the knock completely. He had made his intentions toward her very clear and she was worried her refusal of his affection hadn’t been obvious enough. He was the type of suitor that believed in perseverance over anything.

Carolina: oh my gosh he's THAT guy. i really want him to come back in the future and i want Lyall to be like "lmao bro nope u wish look at me i'm the lucky sod who gets to marry this girl"

She wouldn’t be surprised if he had been waiting for her mother to leave so they could have a moment alone together. The thought made her wince.

With a pause and prayer, Hope opened the door.

It wasn’t Miles, with his bouquets and love poems, nor was it any of the other villagers, looking for a free meal and a good piece of gossip.

It wasn’t like that at all.

What she found was nothing like she expected.

A man was lying on her porch, covered almost head to toe in mud and carrying on as if he were about to die. It was, simply put, rather shocking.

Carolina: i am genuinely concerned for Lyall rn

Hope sprang to action. “Sir! Are you alright?” She asked, concern coating her voice.

The man looked up at her and she caught her breath. She knew those warm hazel eyes. She had been dreaming of them consistently for the past two weeks. He gave her a weak smile through a stifled groan. .

“Hello, Miss Howell. I do hope I’m not intruding.”

Lyall.

Carolina: wOW sure sure Lyall act like you aREN'T DYING SURE SURE WHY NOT

It took some effort, but Hope was able to get Lyall up off the porch and into the house.

Carolina: we stan a strong woman yessss hope!!

The two had limped together through the front rooms, Lyall leaning heavily on her, much to her distaste. At least most of the mud was drying, she reasoned. Perhaps she wouldn’t have to wash her clothes.

They reached the washroom and she released her hold of him to start gathering towels and soap. His eyes followed her movement before he slowly lowered himself onto the tile of the floor. He was quiet as she worked, watching as she filled up the tub with warm water, rubbing the soap bar between her hands in order to make the water have some suds. She had barely looked at him after getting him inside, though he had tried to get her eyes on him again. Hope was stubborn. Lyall had learned that faster than anything else. He had unintentionally caused her some pain the past two weeks, and she wasn’t prepared to just let that go. The awkwardness between them was palpable and Lyall wasn’t sure what to do to ease it.

When the tub was full, Hope turned to him. “Are you hurt?”

He looked up at her, startled. “Hurt?”

“Yes, hurt. Do you need help getting your clothes off?” She tried to pretend that the thought of helping him undress didn’t cause a red hot blush to crawl up her neck.

Carolina: lmao okay Hope sure yeah act like you wouldn't love to see him without his shirt mhm suuuure

Lyall shook his head. “I can manage my trousers but, uh… I may need some help with the shirt.”

Carolina: sO MUCH OPPORTUNITY FOR CUTE STUFF RIGHT NOW DEAR GOODNESS

Hope nodded, placing her hands under his arms and attempting to help him to his feet. He laughed as they struggled and she almost smiled.

Almost.

Carolina: yes good don't give in yet Hope you've got this he still has to explain

Now that Lyall was once again standing, Hope tried to push on with the work. “Don’t think about it, Hope. Just imagine you’re helping Da with his shirt. Not an extremely handsome man who keeps staring at you with those lovely hazel eyes and that ridiculously sweet smile. It’s nothing. He just needs some help with the buttons. Don’t think about it!” she told herself as she gently pushed his coat over his shoulders.

Carolina: hAHAHAHAHAHA THIS INNER MONOLOGUE I'M DEAD

He winced, hissing softly and her eyes shot up to his in concern. His eyes were squinted in pain, but he was looking at her. Still looking at her.

The coat fell to the ground with thud, but Hope found that she couldn’t look away from him. They stood in silence, watching the other for any sign of breaking the silence first. Hope still thought he was beautiful, as annoyed as that made her. He was covered in mud and his hair was sticking up in all directions, and she still thought he was beautiful.

Carolina: i just wanna say that i find the fact that she calls him beautiful to be very sweet and so so soft it genuinely makes my heart melt

But he hadn’t come back to see her.

This thought snapped her out of her reverie and she looked down, her attention on the buttons of his shirt once again. Her hands, she noticed, were shaking as she brought them up to the first button.

“I’m sorry.” The words were soft, so as not to startle her.

Carolina: yOU SHOULD BE... okay continue Lyall

Hope shook her head, focusing on the task at hand, which was horribly embarrassing if she really thought about it. But she knew Lyall needed help, so she was going to help him. Just as he had helped her. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Carolina: gIRL STOP LYING WHY U ALWAYS LYIN HE HURT YOU! AND THERE HAS BEEN NO EXPLANATION YET YOUR FRUSTRATION IS VALID

“I do.” His voice was full of regret as he said those two words. “I told you I’d come back to see you soon. And it’s been two weeks.”

Carolina: soon?? sOON?? LYALL LUPIN TWO WEEKS IS A LONG TIME IN THE 1950S WHEN YOU DONT HAVE ANOTHER WAY OF COMMUNICATING WITH SOMEONE YOU RANDOMLY MET IN THE WOODS

“I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Carolina: BUT IT DOES HOPE IT DOES DO YOU NOT REMEMBER YOUR THOUGHTS MOMENTS AGO WHILE YOU ANGRILY MADE BREAD??

Jo: I love you so much

He reached up with his hand and covered both of hers as they attempted to undo his buttons. The warmth of his hand made her pause. He said nothing, as if waiting, and finally, she looked up to meet his gaze. “It does.”

Carolina: my heaaaaart

Lyall was not used to having to answer to someone. After leaving his parents for school, he had become very independent. He enjoyed being his own man, coming and going as he pleased without anything to worry about. But his independence had hurt Hope, he could tell, and he was desperate to salvage the situation. “I got sent to Scotland for work. I couldn’t remember exactly where you lived and so I couldn’t send a letter or anything. If I had been able to, Hope, I would have come back the next day.”

His reasoning settled in her mind and Hope cocked her head as she looked at him. He realized, after she said nothing, that she was looking for a lie. “Alright.” She dropped her eyes again.

He groaned, not releasing her hands on his shirt. “You don’t believe me.”

Carolina: well no shit sherlock (i still love u lyall but i stand by my bby hope)

Her shoulders lifted in a shrug and she let out a disparaging laugh. “Lyall, I thought you didn’t exist. I thought I had just… created you in mind. I didn’t hear from you for two weeks and then all of a sudden you’re on my doorstep, hurt and covered in mud, and I’m just supposed to accept that you were called away on work and couldn’t reach me?”

Carolina: she's a smart cookie

There was a truth to her words and he let out a dejected sigh. She began unbuttoning his shirt once again and he let her, trying to help as she pushed the dirtied fabric over his shoulders. It joined his coat on the ground.

And then, Hope stopped.

Because Lyall Lupin was incredibly beautiful.

Hope’s older brother, Rhys, was training to be a doctor, and on occasion, Hope had gone to the hospital to visit him. The hospital was always full of wounded, shirtless people, but Hope had never really thought about it in the way she was now. Because the people at the hospital weren’t standing in her bathroom, after rescuing her in the woods and then not coming to see her for two weeks with a sad explanation and a need for a bath. The people in the hospital weren’t well-constructed male specimens who were fit and tanned and very very handsome. The people at the hospital didn’t make Hope feel like could melt into a puddle on the floor if they touched her.

No.

No, only Lyall Lupin could do that.

Carolina: Hope, do you need a glass of water for your thirst?

She cleared her throat, her eyes glued to his skin. She could feel the heat emanating from him and never before in her life had she fought so hard to resist an urge to touch someone.

Lyall smiled lightly at her attention and refused to move. He waited for her to make the first move. To touch him. To do something.

Hope turned away.

“I think you could leave your pants on and then get in the tub, that way I could help you wash. If you wanted.”

He had to laugh at that. “That sounds perfect,” came his response.

Carolina: me too lyall i'm laughing too xD

She nodded and turned her back to him completely, hoping that it wasn’t too obvious that she was listening to him undo his belt and drop his trousers to the floor. She bit her lip and stared up at the ceiling.

“God help me,” she whispered.

Carolina: she's a mess hahaha she's so far gone for him

Lyall stepped into the warm water with a quiet groan and situated himself comfortably before looking back at Hope.

“You’re alright to turn around now.”

Hope wasn’t sure that was true. She didn’t know how she was going to last with him looking like that in the bath water. Hoping to somehow magically keep her thoughts to herself, she pulled up the footstool by the tub.

Lyall began slowly scrubbing the mud from his skin with the small bar of soap. He winced as he stretched out his right shoulder and Hope felt concern pool in her stomach. She pushed him forward and examined his back. There, across his shoulder blade, was a deep gash that was surrounded with dark bruising. Her mouth fell open. He hadn’t said anything!

“Christ, Lyall! Why didn’t you tell me you were that hurt?”

He let out a pained laugh as she poked around the cut. “I don’t know. I was a bit preoccupied with the beautiful woman unbuttoning my shirt.”

Carolina: LYALL LUPIN YOU SHAMELESS MAN [fans self]

She leaned back and glared which made him bark out a genuine laugh. The sound made her heart flip in her chest.

“It’s a superficial wound, Hope. Nothing to worry about. I’ll go see a healer and be fit as a fiddle in no time.”

She quirked her head at his choice of the word “healer”, but said nothing.

Carolina: Lyall Lupin you're terrible at keeping magic a secret around a beautiful woman

Jo: CAN YOU BLAME HIM

She was sure he wouldn’t have an explanation anyway. So she went back to the task at hand. With a small towel, she began cleaning out the mud from Lyall’s hair, watching as the thick strands of hair returned back to its original golden brown color, without all the leaves and twigs.

“You certainly know how to make a right mess of yourself, Lyall Lupin,” she muttered.

They returned to the silence from before as they worked to clean him off. When there was a considerable less amount of mud on his skin, she had him stand. “We need to get you and your cut cleaned, and we can’t do that with muddy water,” she explained after Lyall’s sharp complaint as the cool air hit his skin. As the water drained from beneath him, they stood staring at each other.

In fascination, she watched as his whole body became covered in goosebumps from the cold. Before she could stop herself, her hand reached out to feel this skin on his chest. They both froze, realizing what she had just done, but neither of them were willing to say anything to break the moment. Hope pulled her hand back quickly as if she had been burned and then began filling the tub once again with warm water. Stunned, Lyall sat down hard, grateful for the warmth of the water to occupy his thoughts instead of her soft skin against his.

With a red face and a muttered excuse, Hope left the bathroom. She found spare clothes that looked as if they would fit Lyall in her father’s trunk. As she sorted through different trousers, she berated herself.

“You couldn’t just keep your hands to yourself?” she whispered in horror, replaying that moment over and over again in her mind. Had she really just done that?

Carolina: yES YOU DID YOU REALLY DID ~waggles eyebrows~

When she had found adequate clothing for him, she went to Rhys’ old room and dug up his old medical kit. He had gotten a much nicer medical kit as a wedding present from their parents, and so had left the old one at home, in case of emergencies. Hope sifted through the contents and pulled out a roll of gauze and a sturdy bandage. She would have to let him know to watch the wound for infection, but it would do for the time being.

Still horribly embarrassed over her lack of control, she returned to the bathroom.

“I brought you some clothes,” she announced, holding the pile in front of her. He smiled.

“Thank you. I know I’m intruding on your home and this wasn’t the way you expected to spend your evening, but I’m truly grateful Hope.”

Carolina: mhm mhm yes true but also consider: this was a much better way to spend her evening

She shrugged. “Consider us even.” She watched his face fall a bit before he plastered on a smile and laughed.

Carolina: does he think she won't ever want to see him again now??? oh my gosh this is so much mutual pining even tho they aRE CLEARLY HEAD OVER HEELS FOR EACH OTHER ALREADY

She left the pile of clothes on the counter and turned to go. “When you’re ready, before you put your shirt on, let me bandage your cut,” she said over her shoulder.

“There’s really no need-” she cut him off with a sharp look and he held up his hands in surrender. “Of course.”

After Hope had left the bathroom, she started to close the door, but without registering what she was doing, left it open a sliver. Just enough to peek in.

She watched in fascination as Lyall heaved in a breath and settled back against the tub. She felt she could examine him now, at this safer distance, without getting too overwhelmed. He was fit, for certain. His shoulders were broad and his muscles taut, though he was thin. He must do heavy labor, she thought to herself. She realized then that she had no idea what he did for work or why he was in Scotland in the first place. Pushing away that nagging suspicion, she returned to the task of blatantly staring at the beautiful man in her bathtub. He was totally relaxed, his eyes shut against the lamp in the bathroom, and Hope couldn’t help but rest her head against the doorframe. He looked like a painting.

After a minute or two in this fashion, Hope realized how inappropriately she was behaving and shook her head to rid her of her thoughts. “Idiot,” she whispered to herself, turning away from the opening and pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes. What had gotten into her?

She stayed that way as she listened to Lyall stand from the bath. Next came the sound of rustling fabric as he toweled off and began putting on the clothes she had laid out for him. When the door opened a second later, he made a noise of surprise at seeing her there.

He had done as he was told and left the shirt off, but Hope fixed her eyes firmly on his face, determined not to let them go one inch lower. He smiled at her. “I’ve done as I’ve been told, captain. Where to next.”

She rolled her eyes at his quips and gestured for him to follow her through the back hallway and into the room at the very corner of the cottage. The light was slowly fading from the window and the sunlight caught Lyall’s hair in a way that was entirely too distracting. Annoyed at where her thoughts had gone once again, she pointed at the bed and commanded him to sit. He did so.

Hope picked up her pile of medical supplies and laid it out of the cover of the bed. The cut wasn’t deep enough for stitches, and she wasn’t sure she had the stomach for that now anyway. There was disinfectant and pain relievers and plenty of gauze.

“Do your worst, nurse Howell,” he said, his voice light, watching as she poured the disinfectant on a cloth to sanitize his wound. She thought for a moment that he seemed a little nervous. Hope rolled her eyes but slowly dabbed at the cut, ignoring the wince on Lyall’s face from the sting. The water had cleaned out the dirt and it had begun to bleed slightly at the attention. She covered the length of the cut with a strip of gauze and cut off the remains. After that, she wrapped the wound, pulling the bandage across his chest and under his arm over and over till she ran out. It wasn’t perfect but it would have to do.

He watched her as she did her work and couldn’t help but ask, “where did you learn about medicine?”

“My brother,” she shrugged. “He’s attempting to become a doctor, and with a mouth that big, you can’t help but pick up some things. Not to mention, he always wanted to practice on me as a patient.”

Lyall chucked, imagining Hope’s fury at being forced to participate. “How dreadful,” he said, though the humor was clear in his voice. She rolled her eyes.

While she finished the task at hand and began tying off the bandage, Lyall took notice of the room they were in. It was small and quaint. An old quilt hung up over the bed as decoration and there was a stack of various novels piled on the desk. The vase of flowers on the windowsill were slightly wilted, as if they weren’t important to the owner. The bedside table had a leatherbound journal and bible, and right next to the lamp, there was a small wrapped chocolate. Suddenly, Lyall understood.

“This is your bedroom,” he stated, looking up at her. It wasn’t a question, just a fact.

She nodded. It dawned on her then that Lyall was there, in her bedroom, partially undressed and it sent her cheeks burning. Seeing him there, so casual in her room, on her bed, had her heart pounding almost as hard as it had that day in the woods, but for an entirely different reason.

Carolina: my eyebrows could not have flow up higher than they did. wHATS ON YOUR MIND HOPE HUH???

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

That made her roll her eyes. “If I thought you were intruding, Lyall, I wouldn’t have brought you in here. Besides, it’s just a room.”

His eyes locked back onto the chocolate while Hope got up and helped him into his new shirt. When the fabric was settled against his skin, and she had made sure it hadn’t ruined her bandaging, he looked up at her. “That’s the chocolate I gave you.”

Her eyes widened and darted over to the bedside table where the guilty chocolate stood. After an awkward beat, she shrugged.

“I try not to eat candy from strangers I meet in the woods.”

He nodded sagely. “No, no, of course not. You just leave it out on your bedside table to look at on occasion.”

Carolina: THEY'RE BOTH SMART ASSES I LOVE THEM

Her eyes narrowed down at him, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “It was the only thing I had to remind me that you were real.” He gave her a soft smile but she ignored it. “It also reminds me that you didn’t come to see me for two whole weeks and still haven’t given me a good explanation,” she all but snapped.

Lyall sighed. “I told you, I was in Scotland.”

“Right. Of course. How could I forget?” The sarcasm in her tone was clear and she rolled her eyes, turning away from him.

“Hope, I-”

He was cut short by the sound of the front door opening. Mam was home. Hope’s eyes widened in terror, because Lyall was there, in her room, where young men definitely should not be, and had just been in her bath. And her Mam had no idea he even existed. “Oh no,” she whispered.

Carolina: everything about this. comedy g o l d

“What?” he asked, matching her tone.

“Calon Bach? Where are you? Why is the bread not done?” Her mother’s voice cut through the silence, making Hope wince.

Hope panicked. “She can’t know you’re here!” She whispered furiously. “She’ll beat me silly if she finds I have a man in the house. Let alone in my bedroom! You have to go! Right now!” She began pushing him toward the window, as he objected.

Carolina: oh my gosh. i am laughing as i type this. the window. thE WINDOW XD

“Hope, calm down. I’m sure it’ll be fine. We can just explain to her- Hope are you seriously going to push me out of the window?” She didn’t answer, she simply threw open the shutters and gestured for him to leave.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Deadly.”

He let out an incredulous laugh. “Really, Hope?”

An eyebrow lifted at his tone. “My mother will skin my hide if she finds you in here, and then she’ll hang you out by the toes on the back line. Trust me, Lyall, it’ll be better for both of us if you just go. Now. Please.”

Carolina: okay but i wasn't prepared to have all the pining and staring and then have it turn into this teen romantic comedy it's amazing and i love it and i'm straight up crying at this point because it's so funny

“Calon Bach?” Her mother’s voice echoed around the house.

“Coming, mam! Just a minute!” She shooed Lyall out of the window and with a horrified yet amused look on his face, he began to exit through the opening. She watched as he swung one leg over the windowsill and straddled it before he froze and turned to her with a look of horror on his face.

“Hope, my clothes!”

Carolina: I FORGOT ABOUT THAT OMG THE CLOTHES IN THE BATHROOM

A gasp escaped her. “Go! I’ll go grab them.” Trying to be as quiet as possible, she rushed to the bathroom and gathered up his muddied clothes and boots. She returned to her room and saw Lyall standing in front of the window. She tossed him his clothes and then turned to leave.

In a flash, Lyall had reached through and clasped onto her arm, forcing her to stop in her tracks. “Wait.”

She turned, her face turning red at the physical contact. She really needed to get a better hold of herself. She waited, watching him as his eyes searched her face.

“What?” she finally asked, feeling nervous from his attention.

“Can I see you again?”

Without meaning to, she sighed. “Lyall-”

“I mean it, Hope. And this time, I’ll actually come soon. Probably tomorrow. But I have to know that’s what you want. If you don’t want to see me again, you just have to say, and I’ll never come back.”

Carolina: LYALL LUPIN YOU SWEET AND RESPECTFUL BOY

She stopped short, taking in the set position of his mouth and the honesty in his eyes. He was serious. He really would never come back if that’s what she wanted. Even though she hardly knew him, and even though she wanted better answers than the ones he had given her, and even though she was dreadfully annoyed at his absence for the past two weeks, she was still grateful to have met him. He made her feel something she had never felt before. And she wanted to keep feeling that way.

“Hope.”

She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice saying her name. She would never grow tired of that.

Carolina: JO HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS THE TYPE OF STUFF THAT MELTS MY HEART INTO A PUDDLE OF HOPELESS ROMANTIC???

Jo: because we're the same person and IT DOES THE SAME THING TO ME. Also, please note i wrote this next part solely for you

Carolina: oh my goodness i love you and i'm ready to read it

“Yes.” the word popped out of her mouth suddenly and her eyes opened to meet his. “Yes, I want to see you again. Please.”

He grinned at her.

“Tomorrow then.”

“I won’t get my hopes up.”

He laughed. “You’re wrong about me, Hope. I promise. You’ll see.” He slid his grasp from her forearm down to her hand. His touch was gentle as he drew her hand close to his lips and pressed a kiss to her heated skin. She was bright red, she was sure.

Carolina: I AM A MESS OF HUMAN RIGHT NOW I JUST SCREAMED INTO MY PILLOW GET YOU A MAN LIKE LYALL LUPIN WHO KISSES YOUR HAND AND MAKES YOU PROMISES AND IS SO TENDER AND AHAAOIDHASILFJHAVWRVUWA

After a moment, he drew back and smiled up at her. It took her breath away.

Carolina: ME TOO HOPE ME TOO I DONT THINK MY HEART IS FUNCTIONING PROPERLY RIGHT NOW

He turned and started jogging away. She held herself up using the windowsill and watched him go. But she had to ask just one more question.

“Lyall!”

Carolina: gIRL? do you not?? remember?? that your mother??? is in the house???? you are playing with fIRE RIGHT NOW

He turned around, a panicked look on his face as he registered her volume and held up a finger to his lips to quiet her. She winced as she remembered that her mother was just down the hall, but this was important. “Why? After you got hurt, why did you come here of all places? You must have guessed I didn’t want to see you. But somehow, you knew I would help you. How did you know? Why did you come?”

He smiled this strange kind of smile, as if he was sharing a joke with himself. And then he shrugged.

“Well, Miss Howell, it was the only place I could think of,” he winked as he said this, then turned again and headed down the path.

Carolina: (because he apparated there) OH HEY NOW COOL YES I LIKE THAT BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE WAS THINKING OF HER YEAH I LIKE THIS IDEA!

Also Carolina: ugh catch me swooning because of Lyall Lupin

Jo: Mood

Hope watched him until he became a blur in the distance. And then he was gone.

Her heart was full of longing for whatever new adventure Lyall Lupin brought with him the next time they met and she bit her lip to keep herself from smiling.

“Til tomorrow,” she whispered.

Carolina: mhm mhm mhm i cANT WAIT I AM THOROUGHLY ENGAGED WITH THIS STORY AND IN LOVE WITH THIS LOVE STORY

I hope you enjoyed part two of my writing and Carolina having a heart attack over it. I hope I can finish this story eventually, but I just had to share the gem that Carolina is. I just like her a lot. That’s all!

#my writing #hope lupin #lyall lupin #the lupins #remus lupin

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sunsetsover · 5 years

Text

hello i know i’ve been gone for a couple of weeks and i disappeared without a trace and originally that was because ben’s deafness storyline was bringing back a lot of my own personal experiences that i dealt with when coming to terms with my disability and it was (and still is) really really hard to see what he’s going through and how shitty it is and how badly he’s handling it both because it genuinely is a tough thing to see but also because it reopens all these wounds and gives me anxiety and stresses me out bc reminds me of what i went through and what was easily the toughest and darkest part of my life and obviously that’s no fun to relive lmao

however at this point i’m just staying away bc every time i poke my head in to check what’s going on i’m seeing the most fucked up opinions and takes on the whole thing that it’s actually genuinely making me really angry and upset because the way some of you talk about ben’s disability and situation and specifically the way he’s handling this massive petrifying change in his life speaks volumes about how you view disabled people in real life. because yeah, this is a tv show and ben isn’t real, but things like this happen to people. it happened to ME. and guess what!! i did the exact same fucking thing ben’s doing!!! i isolated myself and felt miserable and got angry and acted out and did stupid shit and hurt the people that cared about!!! and i did that because i was terrified and suffering and hurting and angry!!!! and i’m fucking real!!! i’m a real person and i know for a fact i’m not the only person out there who’s dealt with this kind of thing and reacted in this kind of way. so yeah, you might be sitting behind your fucking keyboards saying all these things about ben being selfish or dramatic or unreasonable or whatever else and think it’s ok because ben’s not a real person but you forget that there are real disabled people reading this shit and potentially internalising those things and feeling like THEY have to deal with their situation in a certain way or that they can’t feel certain things because some able bodied dickhead on tumblr dot com feels like they’re entitled to give their shitty fucking input on how disabled people should react to or deal with their disability - and this apparently means we’re not allowed to break down or be upset or act out because that’s too dramatic!!! ben should just shut up and have his operation right!!!! he should just stop misbehaving and causing so much trouble because it’s inconvenient!!! it’s not fair on callum right!!!!!!

like for some reason some of you cannot see beyond the end of your fucking noses to see that this has absolutely NOTHING to do with callum!!!!!! what the fuck does callum have to do with the fact that ben is having a fucking break down!!!!! what does callum have to do with the fact that ben is scared and acting out in the only way he knows how because he’s desperate to prove he isn’t different and that nothing’s changed and that he can still do the things he’s always done!!!!! callum has so fucking little to do with what ben’s going through at the moment and yet some people cannot look at this horrible situation that ben’s dealing with through anything other than a ballum lens and it fucking REEKS

ben lost his fucking hearing, he’s isolated, he’s feels like he’s lost so much of his self, he’s angry, he’s scared, he’s upset, he’s petrified he’ll never hear his daughter’s voice again - his daughter who got hit by a fucking car because he couldn’t hear it and now he feels like he’ll never be able to look after her or keep her safe the way he should - and yes he’s acting out because of all of that!! that’s what happens when you can’t accept your disability!!! you’re determined to prove you can do what you could before no matter what it costs you!!! and yet i’ve seen MULTIPLE people reduce that to ‘well he shouldn’t do that because it’s unfair and inconvenient for callum’!!!!!!!!!! or ‘ben isn’t putting enough effort into his relationship with callum/thinking about callum’!!!! or ‘this is just angst porn that serves no purpose’!!!!!!!! do you not have a brain in your fucking head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! his brother’s just died!!!!! he’s just become deaf!!!!!!! he can’t fucking hear!!!!!!!!!!! he might never hear again!!!!!!! and is facing major surgery that might not even work!!!!!!!!!!!!! like hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of course he’s struggling and acting out!!!! the fact that so few of you seem to be able to comprehend what’s going on is genuinely worrying

the fact of the matter is that some of you are upset that you don’t have your able bodied ship being all cute and domestic anymore. YOU are the ones who feel inconvenienced or slighted, and you’re projecting that onto callum bc that’s how you can get away w saying this bullshit. bc - and i know this might come as a shock to some of you - when you care about and love someone, you support them when they’re going through such a difficult time. you try to be as understanding as you can. also just look at who callum is as a character. you think he wouldn’t understand ben’s behaviour rn??? like come on!! so maybe it’s YOU that has the problem. maybe it’s YOU that doesn’t like it bc ben’s struggling through this in an ugly (but COMPLETELY valid) way and that’s inconvenient for you bc, whether you’re even aware of it or not, being disabled is an inconvenience. disabled people are hard work. this is just how most able bodied people see disabled people. if you’re reading this and you’re able bodied, you’re not immune from this. you’re not special. like any other prejudice, it’s something you just subconsciously learn and you might not even be aware of. but i’m telling you as a disabled person, the way some of you are speaking abt ben/this storyline tells me everything i need to know about how you view disabled people. so maybe take a step back and ask yourself why you’re saying what you’re saying and why you may feel the way you feel regarding this particular sl. bc for a lot of you, whether you wanna admit it or not, the answer is ableism.

i didn’t want to make this post bc i don’t LIKE being confrontational!! i wanna be polite and kind and fair!!! but some of you have to understand that when you’re saying some of this shit you’re basically disregarding/making light of/taking the piss out of disabled people and their experiences. maybe you’re not even aware you’re doing it, but that’s exactly what it is. that’s exactly what it comes across as, and that’s exactly what it feels like to read some of the things you post as a disabled person (and it’s not just me - i know for a fact this stuff is affecting other disabled people in this fandom too). it’s upsetting, it’s invalidating, it’s HUMILIATING. and i’m fortunate enough to be a point in my life where i’m at relative peace w my disability, but if this were 5 years ago?? you have no idea how reading some of this shit would have fucked with my head. so the fact that i know there are other disabled people out there reading this stuff and it’s affecting them is more important to me than not starting drama on tumblr dot com. their feelings mean too much to me for me to just sit here and not say anything bc i don’t wanna upset people. some of u need to be upset. it’s the only way you’re gonna learn.

literally all i’m asking is for you to think about the things you say before you post them. ask yourself why you feel a certain way about things. ask yourself if what you wanna say is potentially gonna hurt or upset or insult a disabled person who might be reading it. ask yourself if you just wanna say some bullshit abt ben bc you’re just mad callum isn’t getting more screentime. bc if the answer is yes i promise you your opinion is unhelpful, unneeded and unwanted. so maybe just u know. keep your mouth shut.

#ballum #ben mitchell #callum highway #eastenders #ee #yes im tagging it because a lot of you need to be fucking told #i told u i was gonna be the big disabled gatekeeper here to ruin ur fun!!!#and before anyone even goes there this has nothing to do with callum this is not ABOUT callum or his sls or screentime or any of that #so let's not even go there thanks!#also if you're thinking of replying to this or sending me an ask with your opinions or pov #and you're able bodied just do me a favour and: don't lmao #i don't care about your opinion i don't care abt your perspective or your take i care about disabled people #so if you're not one and you disagree just know i don't care so save us both the time and just move along

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starlightshore · 5 years

Note

im kinda want to get into this sort of thing so is it okay to ask u a few questions? if not just delete this, but here goes? would u reccomend game maker studio 2, and how hard is it to use in ur opinion? and is there anything u wish u knew at the beginning of making ur fangame?

aw anon you’re so sweet! don’t worry about asking about this, its really exciting to make games and trying new things! i would not say i’m an expert, and i wouldn’t even say i know gml like. at all. i just understand a how the code is used, but now what the code itself is or what to type exactly. like, i understand the theory more so than actually doing it. which is, eh, fine? i’m getting by, and i’m still learning. i’ve only been using gms 2 for 2 months now.

also, i’m using a fangame engine! i feel its kinda like cheating lmao, but its just meant to be a framework to build your own thing off of. and i still need to learn gms2 to use it, and i plan on doing more advanced and complicated things (ie: changing how battles even work structurally.) so. i’m not good at gsm2 yet, but uh, really once you understand coding its not any harder than i’d imagine w/ other professional game engines. compared to unity, i like this better because it seems built on the idea of making 2d sprite games. its SO much more simpler and the userface (while. i’m not a fan of how it has its workspace but whatever) is simple and easy to grasp.

i can’t say for certain if i recommend game maker. its very pricey and doesn’t go on sale often. (big sales i mean, it goes on 15% somewhat frequently) i really, really recommend doing your research first.

so here i talk about what game engines i’ve used over the last year. (also i hear Godot is good!)

at the end of that post i said this: “TLDR; figure out what kind of game and story you want to tell/make. i could of saved a year’s worth of work if i just sat myself down and realized i wanted to make a completely new fangame separate from my old blog stuff. and that i wanted to make an rpg specifically.“

and so! past me has good advice. figure out the scope and what story do you want to tell. with AL, I know it has 2 chapters, and rn i’m only concentrating on chapter 1. chp 1 has 7 nights and one area where you fight enemies. its very story/character driven and is more so like. a deconstruction of the rpg genre than an actual rpg game. (i know that the word deconstruction is over used as hell, but it is what this is.)

it builds off the themes of the original, while focusing on things that i want to focus on and develop. ut, at it’s heart, is about stories and grief, i’m just taking it to a different extreme and angle.

uh, anyway, i really wish i knew what i wanted to make and understood the source material more and what i wanted to make. i’ve. thought really really hard over what UT means, what message toby was trying to convey, how he did it and what I thought about it. understanding what YOU want from and for your project is the most important thing. WHY do you want to make this? WHAT do you want people to feel and think about when playing? or even, after playing? it doesn’t have to be super deep either.

so, figure out what you what to make, and then you can work on the how. really plan your story, but honestly i wouldn’t recommend planning it in super big details right off. also, super helpful to have a friend help you brainstorm and plot check things for you. (shout out to my friend the sniffer

anyway, don’t plan things TOO detailed because things are GOING to change no matter how well you plan! just try to get get an outline done, then rewrite it 5 more times and then MAYBE you’ll be ready to tackle a more detailed version. then write it 5 more times. i can’t stress enough how important planning is, and how you shouldn’t expect everything to work out even on draft 10! things will work, and when they do, draft 10 is going to look like bad awful nonsense cause you’re at draft 20 now and everything is much more coherent and better. games aren’t written or consumed all at once on the fly. its not a piece of fanart, a fanfic, a comic. its not updated more than once. its out, and then its just out. plan for it.

and real quick, don’t worry about art assets! depending on how you do the art, that’s most likely going to change and its going to be polished LAST. i could go more into how you should think of art when game developing, but thats another topic. just. honestly use shitty art assets and worry about it later.

kris’ place holder sprite for deltarune ^ it don’t need to be pretty, it needs to be practical.

second advice: start SMALL!!! i feel i should of done this, and frankly i probably will have to sit down and do this lmao, basically, you should make boring small games to learn the basics. I know, i know, nobody really wants to recreate asteroid when you got big ideas of making stories and animations u wanna make. but like. you really need to figure out how the program works and how the code works in theory and practice.

ok so like, think of coding like this. i got this from a skillshare video series, so uh. i’m going to retell this but in a shittier and likely less nuanced way. sorry

ok so imagine. you’re telling this guy who is trying to get to Gary’s house. now, Gary’s house is just down the road, few houses down, now, you can tell this guy that and he’ll likely find the house just fine. but if you’re telling a robot it’s not going to understand what “down the road” means. what road? how long? it needs instructions that are simple and work in a language it understands.

so you tell the robot “go down two houses, stop at sign until x seconds pass, turn right, go forward 1 house, turn ect. stop at house, ring doorbell. IF Gary answers, go inside; ELSE: do not go inside, wait;

so this what i mean by understanding the theory behind the code rather than the code itself. yes there’s complexities and differences in each language, but they’re ALL based on the same concepts. different program languages are less like different speech languages, but rather different dialects of the same. (uh, like us english vs uk english) its just different rules and “spellings” of the same core concepts.

next advice: don’t be afraid to ask for help! but also! do so within reason! if people are OPEN for helping, be sure do so in the right environment and within what time works for them. compensate people for the time and effort if you can. ALWAYS try to figure out the solution yourself first. often with coding, it can be a simple solution that you could of thought of yourself if you took the initiative to. google is your friend, youtube is your friend! (ok, youtube isn’t, but in this case! yes!) the answer might not always be easy to find, and its perfectly fine to look for help but its good to at least try on your own first!

speaking of which! LEARN LEARN LEARN! be ready to devote A LOT of time to watching and reading about game development. this goes to every game making program, not just gms2. i watch. so many videos on gms. i rec having the video play at 1.5x or 2x speed to cut down time. obvs you still need to retain the information, so speed might be not a good idea then. and its REALLY GOOD to pause and type out the code and follow along. but its also good to just understand the concepts, and theres no harm in rewatching once you’ve understood it better at a different speed.

things WILL click and work out for you, and its going to be a very time consuming and long journey to get there. i LOVE making this game and telling this story but I also had no idea what i was getting into! and i probably will have more advice once i’m further in, (i’ve only used gms 2 for 2 months!) but thats the best i can say for now! i hope you pursue your dreams and start making things!!! you can do it!!!

the best time to start is yesterday, the second best time is right now! even if you put a little effort into it everyday, you’ll build up progress and you can learn SO MUCH over time and theres this whole world of possibilities out there! the world NEEDS your story and your perspective, and i think creating it in anyway you can is necessary for humanity! your work will mean something to someone someday, and i am so excited for you to start your journey!

#i know u probs meant gms2 specifically but this got a little out of hand lmao #long post #personal stuff #sams replies #Anonymous

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mountain-ash-and-rusted-iron · 4 years

Text

this is an oc masterpost of all my haf-formed ocs languishing on pinterest with their messy aesthetics and unedited blurbs, in roughly chronological order of their creation, plus sorted by fandom. this post is only asoiaf, harry potter, hunger games, and riverdale, cos i have tooooooo many original characters otherwise and the post was getting incredibly long. (note that i love my ocs but these one’s are not polished or even the final versions of their characters, i just wanted to post them lol)

under a read more, if you’re on mobile start scrolling i guess, sorry,,,

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire:

Laeya Targeryen: (child of Rhaella and Aerys Targaryen, born 280 AC - three years older than Danaerys)

Fearful of her impending marriage, Laeya is eleven when she takes her younger sister and flees across the sea to Dorne, hiding herself and Dany with dyed hair and badly controlled magic. As Leia and Dani Sand they learn to live normally. At 15 Leia joins the Royal Guard and secures Dany work as a tailor's apprentice. When she is 17, an assassin tries to kill her in front of the Dornish court and everything changes...

- so laeya straight up has magic, which im considering an extension of the dragon thing dany has - she can control flame and for the disguise uses her ‘inner fire’ to make her eyes white-blue like super hot flames, cos the purple eyes are super distinctive. and then she’s discovered and suddenly politics are happening. honestly she’s entirely a way for me to remove the child marriage bits of the targaryen storyline (stop marrying off your twelve-year-old baby sister viserys u asshole) - in terms of meta/basics, laeya doesn’t have a fc cos most of my early ocs don’t, and bcs i picture her as emilia clarke with faked dark hair and blue eyes lol

and a quick aesthetic below:

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Kyrra Snow: (child of Robert Baratheon and Maery Snow, birthdate ???)

Kyrra Snow is the eldest natural-born child of Robert Baratheon, current King of Westeros, and daughter of Maery Snow, a Southron (but Northern-born) merchant woman. After her mother realises Kyrra was growing up a little too much like her father in looks and needed to leave the far South before she caught the wrong sort of attention, Kyrra was sent off to travel with her aunt and cousins. She is 17 and heading further north, to Winter Town, when Jon Arryn dies.

- kyrra’s another child of everyone’s favourite asshole king, and she’s got a lot of people after her head, but she just wants to travel and continue her work as a simple peddler. (riiip poor girl) honestly she’s not that developed but yolo -

aes:

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Brynn Stark: (child of Catelyn and Eddard Stark, Robb’s twin sister)

Brynn believes in honour and family, and she is loyal to Winterfell and the North above all else. Likes - archery, embroidery and weaving. Betrothed to [some young Northern lord] to keep the bonds between the Norther families strong.

-i basically made brynn as a contrast to sansa’s pro-southnness and excessive femininity and arya’s anger and desire for swords (relatable mood tho lmao). so brynn is here to mediate, extoll the virtues of both needlework and weapons, make a decent marriage to someone she likes, if not loves, and hold down the fort in the North while shit gets increasingly messier in the South. and a possible faceclaim is Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey -

aes:

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Rosienne Lannister: (child of Joanna and Tywin Lannister, born 273 AC)

Rose is looked at by the realm with dismissal, a consolation prize for her father, a spare daughter only useful for matchmaking, but at least able-bodied and pretty, unlike her brother. After a long betrothal, Rose is married to Willas Tyrell at the age of eighteen, cementing her role as the next Lady of High Garden...

- Rosie/Rose is a bonus Lannister, bcs why not. likes cyvasse and the harp, soft and kind and maternal, powerful in her own way. originally she was from a minor divergence where joanna survives tyrion’s birth and goes on to have another kid, but not sure if i’ll keep that aspect, so for now she’s tyrion’s twin -

and her aes (yes that quote is cropped, no i don’t care rn):

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honourable mentions to my other got underdeveloped got/asoiaf ocs who need more effort before i post properly about them:

Tamlen Storm, a rookery apprentice (working for the Maester of House Tully, managing the ravens) who may or may not be a reincarnated si-oc trying to save westeros,

and an unnamed northern huntress who stumbled into the plot somehow and wants her normal life back (entirely inspired by Keira Knightley as Gwyn in Princess of Thieves, when she’s doing archery stuff and looking v butch).

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Harry Potter:

Taurus ‘Ara’ Lestrange: (child of Bellatrix and Roldolphous Lestrange, born 1978)

Raised by the Goblins after a legal mix-up following her parents' imprisonment in Azkaban, Taurus is good with a sword and aiming to be the next Minister of Magic. She attends Hogwarts with the other magical kids her age, under the fake identity Ara Burke, unknown cousin of a minor half-blood family. When the Potter brat’s drama starts destroying her change at an education just as her fourth year, her OWL prep year, begins, Ara intervenes.

- im tangentially aware that as bellatrix’s kid she’s almost occupying the place of whats-her-name from the cursed child, but considering that i know nothing about the cursed child and don’t care about it anyway, i have elected to ignore this. her actual parent might turn out to be some smitten half-blood from a minor branch of the Greengrass family, or it might actually be Rodolphous, who knows. slightly inspired by the fic ‘Harry Crow’ (by robst on ff.net) where harry is raised by the goblins -

messy aes:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Valerian Potter: (child of Lily and James Potter, born 1980)

After the Potter twins’ parents are murdered by Voldemort, they’re dumped on the doorstep of Number 4, Privet Drive. Dealing with two traumatised magical orphans, Petunia and Vernon Dursley turn to violence and neglect to stay in control, acting far more harshly than expected. With the arrival of two Hogwarts letters, life gets complicated incredibly quickly. (Self-sufficient and scarred from abuse, Val and Harry are immediately Sorted into Slytherin).

- val’s fic is basically an angst fest, okay,,, -

aes:

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and shout-outs to: holly addison potter, a half-baked reincarnation si-oc (i love that concept a lot, can u tell) and my fav girl thea dursley, who already has her own fic and so isn’t getting a proper spot in this post

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The Hunger Games:

Asher: (District Two, age 18)

[rip no blurb for asher]

-asher is a career from two, who wins the 70th games. mostly im focusing on her recovery and how the games function in two, with training volunteers and mentoring and collecting sponsors, plus eventually the rebellion. lots of the D2 headcanon i have is inspired by @/lorata but i defintely made a distinct effort to have my own stuff, cos where’s the fun in plagiarism -

aes for Asher’s Games:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rowan Everdeen: (District Twelve, age 19)

Rowan will do anything to protect her family. This extends to going to Head Peacekeeper Cray on a cold winters night, charging the most she can get for her virginity. It extends to Reaping Day, when she steps out in front of the crowd and says “I volunteer as tribute” in the steadiest voice she can muster. It extends to clawing her way out of the Arena, bloody and exhausted, with blades in her hands and violence kept tucked behind her teeth. It extends further, to a simple ‘Yes, President Snow’ when he coldly, carefully implies her family might meet with an accident if she doesn’t play the good little Victor (and fuck the people who pay the Capitol for her company). It extends to joining the Rebellion, to looking President Coin directly in the eye and agreeing to be a Mockingjay, a symbol for the people to rally around.

- another everdeen kiddo! as the big sister, rowan volunteers for prim, and goes through the Games - she’s a healer and a hunter, and a decent enough actor that she can manage interviews and a camera presence, unlike katniss. rowan also pairs well with a minor au i have, where the reapings are spaced out over a week and official training is a longer, giving the capitol a nice, long buildup to get excited and place bets, etc., and giving the poor, underfed tributes from the outer districts a better chance, which makes for more interesting television and better Games -

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Adrasteia Crane: (The Capitol, age 28) Unlike her big brother, Adrasteia doesn’t want to be a Gamemaker. Instead, she wants to create clothes, artwork, to enrapture the Capitol. She wants to be a Games stylist. After years of design school, of working her way up the ranks, first a PA’s assistant, and then fetching and carrying for Twelve’s prep team, and then eventually on a prep team for the dull tributes from Six, Adrasteia Crane finally has what she wants - the position of stylist for District Three’s male tribute in 74th Hunger Games.

- tbh adrasteia is only seneca crane’s sister because i couldn’t think of a suitable last name for her lmao. i think i’d actually prefer her to be unattached to any major canon players. however, his death is a good motivation for her to join the rebellion, so we’ll see. she’s got a bit of the capitol fashion thing going too, with soft pink hair and diamond-effect skin on her face and shoulders -

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also bonus hunger games content: another oc, Sarsaparilla Verran, from District Eleven, fifteen and alone when she goes into the Games. An orphan, her siblings lost to the Community Home system years ago, her relatives dead or uncaring. So, Rilla is a wee lonely bab tbh. she did not want this, unlike most of my other hg ocs, and she’s not excited for weeks of murder. she just wants her family back, but since that isn’t possible, she’ll build a new family instead. and uuhhhhh, spoiler alert, she dies before she can have this ://///

and my hunger games aus - a canon divergence where katniss joins the careers instead of peeta, her desire to go home to her family outweighing her reactive hate for the concept of training/volunteering to kill other teens, and a fem!Haymitch au where she’s a little wiser to the dark side of the capitol before she commits acts of rebellion (she still rebels anyway tho, just smarter).

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Riverdale:

Cat Cooper: (middle child of Alice and Hal Cooper) Cat Cooper (17) is the black sheep of the Cooper family. Her piercings, brightly dyed hair and connections to the Southside Serpents make her the odd one out among her sisters and constantly at odds with Alice Cooper. Cat’s life is occupied with her Serpent friends, work at a local coffee shop, and training - martial arts, supplemented with cross country, gymnastics and swimming. Until her older sister is shipped off to places unknown and her baby sister starts getting caught up in murder investigation with the absent Serpent heir...

- haven’t decided between Catelyn or Catherine for Cat’s full name lmao. she used to be Kit, actually, but I changed it cos i prefer Kit to solely be my divergent oc (kit serafim). Cat is an ADHD disaster who loves her sisters and her friends and wants to get the hell out of Riverdale on a sports scholarship (she does either boxing or karate mainly, need to figure that bit out) -

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Georgie Andrews: (child of Mary and Fred Andrews)

Georgie likes soft drinks, cheerleading, and hanging out with the Blossom twins and Polly Cooper, their closest friends and a welcome distraction from their own problems. After Polly and Jason vanish, Georgie’s support system is almost gone, and they has to deal with everything they’ve been bottling up, just in time for Fred Andrews to get shot.

- also just angst ngl. so georgie’s gender is basically ???, they enjoy cheerleading and not much else. they spend half their time dealing with depression, by trying to ignore stressful/hard topics and focus on the good side of everything. this isn’t a great long-term coping mechanism and has the fun side effect of pissing of the people around him when she seems unable to be serious or empathetic to someone else's pain (bcs she’s too busy deflecting for the sake of her own fragile mental health), so it gets fun when fred is shot and archie starts getting in too deep with the lodges -

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Sera Thornstone: (parents ???) Southside Serpent. Going to the Riverdale Community College and running errands for FP Jones. And secretly meeting up with her Ghoulie lover down by the Sweetwater where nobody goes.

- everything about sera is vague and undecided lmao. but she has a ghoulie gf/bf/nbf? and they’re hiding that they were down by the river on the 4th of july, cos a serpent is an immediate suspect. going to community college to work on getting general credits before saving up for fancy school for law or journalism. the aes isn’t entirely accurate cos sera’s built from the remains of another serpent oc who i scrapped (she does have a baseball bat tho) -

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and honourable mentions to jen johnson and octavia blossom-murphy, my other riverdale ocs who actually have content, plus an in-development unnamed oc who gets adopted from the soqm by the Muggs family and growsup with Ethel. and my riverdale role reversal au, which i will never write but have some nice aesthetics for under the tag wip: bughead role reversal au.

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all my mini-aesthetics here are unsourced images/from pinterest. any similarities to other people or characters, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

alrighty that’s it. now i have to tag this behemoth argh

#ocapp #ashandrustediron ocs #ashandrustediron edits #i say edits #i mean neatly cropped screenshots #lmao #fandom: harry potter #fandom: the hunger games #fandom: a song of ice and fire #fandom: game of thrones #fandom: riverdale #ashandrustrediron writes #time to tag the ocs who will actually get content later #oc: rosienne lannister #oc: tamlen storm #tam actually has a fic outline unlike most of these other westerosi ocs lol #oc: ara lestrange #oc: asher #no last name bcs volunteers from two don't have last names #they belong to the capitol and their district #<- fun fact about that fic i guess #oc: rowan everdeen #oc: adrasteia crane #none of the riverdale ocs will get a tag bcs i already have riverdale oc fic im working on #long post #long post cw #oh and some warnings for the stuff brushed upon in the blurbs i guess #gender dysphoria #violence #child marriage

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