#Can you get food poisoning off bread?

[explicit-tae]

when is the next part of ungodly hour please tell me 😫

right here! introudcing a request that a few people has been wanting to see

Ungodly Hour (8)

Fuck Chaeyoung and Jimin for always being able to figure out when something is wrong with you.

word count: 2.684

“Girl,” Chaeyong’s voice says over the phone. It echos off of the bathroom walls. She’s watching you as you violently brush your teeth and in the process of scrubbing your tongue, a look of disgust on your face. Your phone is leaning against one of the toothbrush holders and she appears visibly amused.  “maybe you’re pregnant.”

You choke, feeling yourself ready to vomit again - this time due to Chaeyoung’s words. Your eyes widen and you stare back at your phone for a moment. Spitting the toothpaste and rinsing your mouth, you turn off the water. 

“Don’t,” you say with gritted teeth. “start that shit again.”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes. She’s in the process of making herself a sandwich. She shakes her head as she butters her bread. “You missed your period and you’re throwing up. What else can it be?” Chaeyoung was indeed correct. But, your periods were often irregular so that could never be a sign of pregnancy. You’ve gone two months without it before just for it to come on a random Wednesday work shift.

“I’m on birth control.”

“That’s never 100% effective.” Chaeyoung scoffs. “People get pregnant while on birth control all the time.”

Chaeyoung was right again and you could only sigh. You want to blame your sudden nausea on food poisoning. Maybe something you ate just didn’t sit right with you - that’s always a possibility. Maybe you were just getting sick as the seasons changed. Pregnancy would be the last of your options as anything could be possible.

“Let’s not forget that your boyfriend often has to remind you to take said birth control.”

“Shut up.” you grumble, snatching your phone and making your way out of the bathroom. You hated when Chaeyoung was right because it only meant that your mind would be wandering on the possibilities. 

“I can’t be pregnant now. That means I’ll have a Scorpio.” you murmur, crashing down against Jungkook’s bed, silk sheets inviting you in. “There’s enough birthdays in November as it is. It’ll completely ruin the vibe.”

“You should’ve thought about that before you were being a whore on Valentine’s day.” Chaeyoung sing-songs, her sandwich now complete and she munches onto it happily. “Can’t blame you. Jungkook did go all out like always.”

You’re positive you know just where it all began and like Chaeyoung said, Jungkook had to be the dramatic type that made you want to fuck him. The amount of roses you walked into had to be costly and you’re sure he must’ve bought out half of the store alone. The gifts, the home cooked meals along with the low music, champagne…

“Fuck Jeon Jungkook.” you grumble, throwing your phone beside you so Chaeyoung can see your view - the ceiling and she’s positive you were wallowing in self pity.

Truly, Fuck Jeon Jungkook and the way you can never seem to stay off of him.

It took a week for you to decide to get a pregnancy test that you were sure would be negative regardless. You weren’t going to let Chaeyoung’s words of despair get to you - and you were only taking this test to prove to her (and yourself) that you weren’t pregnant and that whatever is going on with you was just a mere sickness.

The brown paper bag sits on the bathroom counter and has been for hours now. Jungkook wasn’t the one to check what wasn’t his and you’re unsure why you’re hesitant on taking it.

It’s Sunday now and that meant that not only was Jungkook here, but so was Namjoon, Hoseok, Taehyung and Jimin. They gather in the living room, movie blasting throughout the space and you walk by without any of them batting an eye.

All except Jimin as he was the only one who ever wanted to humor you and this fake beef you two held for one another.

“Well, well…you finally decided to join us.” Jimin calls, eyes watching as you make your way towards the kitchen. 

“Fuck off, Jimin.”

Taehyung snorts, allowing a few chuckles to be released.

Jimin looks around, wondering why in the world you could possibly tell him to fuck off out of all people. Of course, he didn't because he was Jimin. This causes him to sit forward and tilt his head.

“You look different.” Jimin notes, eyes taking in your appearance. This causes Jungkook’s head to turn to see whatever it was that Jimin saw.

Jungkook’s eyes being on you causes goosebumps to litter your skin and you desperately want to tell Jimin to fuck off again, but that wouldn’t do any good.

“You look…healthy.” Jimin’s eyes begin to squint a bit, his head tilting to the other side.

“Healthy?” you snicker with a roll of your eyes. “What the fuck did I look before?”

“Ugh, Y/N, shut up.” Jimin stands, making his way around the couch and towards you. You can feel Jungkook’s eyes on you and his friend, but he remains silent. “You look…dare I say glowy.”

You click your tongue inside your mouth. Jimin’s tone is different, almost as if confused. His eyes study you closely.

“If I didn’t know you, Jimin, I would say you’re flirting with me.” you turn away and go towards the box of pizza on the counters. 

Jimin cackles. “As if I would go for anyone like you.” 

“That’s a lot coming from a man like you.” you bite back. “I know exactly what girls you like.”

Jimin swallows back his words, a soft tint to his cheeks. No one was ever going to let him live down what that bitch said. “I pay for Onlyfan’s once and suddenly I’m the one being laughed at.” he grumbles to himself.

“I actually like her. She humbles you and it’s exactly what you need.” you open a box of pizza - pepperoni. You grab at it and inhale, the smell reaches your nose and instantly you drop it right back into the box.

Jimin’s eyebrows furrow at your actions, watching you closely. His arms begin to cross and it’s as if alarm bells were going off in his head. 

“You little slut.” Jimin smirks.

Your stomach churns and you can feel the increase of saliva inside your mouth. You let out a shaky breath.

“You…that’s why you look so glowy. It’s too soon to look like this now…” Jimin speaks - mainly to himself. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”

It happens entirely too fast and maybe this was just Jimin’s karma for annoying you constantly. You appear to be stuck, completely frozen in place, when you vomit entirely onto him. The man screeches and gags at the warm vomit hitting his chest. 

Jungkook is on his feet immediately, coming to your side. He places a hand onto your back, a look of concern on his face. “Y/N? Baby, are you okay?”

“What the fuck?!” Jimin hisses, eyes wide with disbelief. “I’m the one with stomach acid on me! Can someone ask if I’m okay?”

“This isn’t about you right now.” Jungkook waves him off. “Come, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“She…oh wow.” Jimin watches in disbelief as Jungkook ushers you away. His shirt sticks to him sickeningly. 

Hoseok is the first to laugh, shaking his head at Jimin. 

“What just happened?” Namjoon questions.

Now you feel like crying out of embarrassment as Jungkook brings you into the bathroom. “Do  you still need to throw up? Was it something you ate earlier?” he asks, his mind going on a thousand different possibilities on how you could be sick right now. 

“N-No, I’m fine.” you murmur, pushing yourself away from him and going to brush your teeth again. Your body is hot - mainly due to humiliation of having vomited on Jimin. You wouldn’t be this embarrassed if it was just Jimin there, because well, fuck him. But the other’s…

You groan, scrubbing the taste of vomit out of your mouth.

Jungkook watches closely. 

“You’re not fine. Are you sick?” he questions. “You probably need some medicine.”

Jungkook looks around the bathroom for a moment, his eyes dropping on the brown paper bag that’s folded in half. He looks at it for a moment. “Is this medicine you got earlier or-”

“No!”

It isn’t your intention to snatch the bag out of his hands the way you do. Jungkook is taken aback by your actions, eyes widening slightly. He takes a step back, apologetic about touching something that wasn’t his. 

“I-I mean-”

“It’s okay.” Jungkook shakes his head. He swallows. “I’m…going to clean up out there. I’ll be back.”

Jungkook leaves the bathroom and now you feel worse than before. You shut off the water and groan.

You don’t want Jungkook to think that him trying to help was a bad decision. The paper bag is crumbling in your grasp and it’s a sign that you can no longer put off the contents on what’s inside of it.

You were a grown woman and a little pregnancy test shouldn’t scare you. You’ve dealt with tougher scenarios and this was outside of your character. Your mother didn’t raise you to be a scared bitch.

So you took the test - ripping the bag open entirely and then the rectangular box. It happens all under a minute and you realize this is the first time you ever took a pregnancy test.

You placed the top onto the test and put it on top of the brown paper bag as you await for what it says.

“Five minutes…” you murmur to yourself.

Jungkook doesn’t expect to see you so soon. He’s cleaning up a bit of vomit from the floor when you enter the kitchen. He had already managed to get everyone out of the home as Jimin ripped off the shirt and hurled it into the trash before exiting himself. He offers a smile your way. “Feeling better?”

“I’m such a bitch.” you sigh with a shake of your head.

Jungkook snickers. “What do you mean?” he asks. “You shouldn’t talk about yourself that way.”

“Shut up and stop being so nice.” you grumble. “I shouldn’t have acted that way in the bathroom. I’m just…” you inhale deeply. Your mother would have surely given you a mouth full if she saw the way you treated her precious Jungkook.

Jungkook continues to clean the rest of the mess before turning back to you. He notices you’re completely still, watching his every move. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jungkook takes a few steps closer to you. “You got a fever or something?”

Jungkook’s hands are soft but a bit cool to the touch. He touches your forehead and rubs it down towards your cheek. 

“You don’t feel warm.” Jungkook comments. “I…” you trail off, unable to shake the look of Jungkook’s eyes off of you. “...my mother didn’t raise a scared bitch.” you repeat the same words aloud and it causes Jungkook to laugh.

“What do you mean-”

“I might be pregnant.” you interrupt him, needing to get the weight off of your shoulders. And you’re surprised that it did. You exhale with a raise of your brows. “That was easier than I thought it’d be.”

You look Jungkook in the eye, his doe ones staring intently back at you.

“I took a test.” you continue. “That’s what was inside the brown paper bag and why I snatched it the way I did.”

For once Jungkook is silent and it causes your stomach to churn again - this time with nerves. He’s so silent that you’re unable to read his expression.

Standing in front of him becomes a bit awkward and you’re anxious to get out of this situation entirely. 

“I’m gonna go…” you go to move yourself and this is what causes Jungkook to snap himself back into reality.

“I was processing your words.” Jungkook shakes his head, dropping his hand from your cheek. “Sorry…” he murmurs, blinking a few times. “...How long have you…suspected it?”

You take a deep breath then scoff. “I’ve been in denial. With Chaeyoung and Jimin it’s hard to not face reality.”

Jungkook hums, he suppose that’s why you threw up on Jimin so suddenly.

“I can’t read you.” you murmur, avoiding Jungkook’s gaze. “You’re usually…more readable.”

“Would you be upset if you were pregnant right now?”

Now that you had admitted to him that there was a possibility of pregnancy, he wants to be open with you. He wants to hear your thoughts and feelings about the situation. 

“It’s not ideal.” you shrug your shoulders, pondering on the question. “Would you?” “No.” Jungkook admits. “Of course not. I love you.”

You sigh. Fuck Jeon Jungkook and how understanding he was.

“But I also know this isn’t something you want…” Jungkook lets his hand touch your cheek once more and now you allow your eyes to meet his. 

“Well, duh.” you scoff. “I still haven’t met your parents. They're going to think I’m a whore if I just show up pregnant.” you’re only half joking but just the thought of meeting his parents and having to deliver news of a pregnancy just sounded backwards.

“They wouldn’t!” Jungkook insists. “My mom’s been dying to meet you.” he admits. He had to convince his mother countless times to not just show up randomly at his home and take matters into her own hands. “I've just been waiting for you to be ready. There isn’t a rush.”

Jungkook’s thumb traces the outline of your lips. He smiles down at you.

“Stop smiling. You’re supposed to be…”

Jungkook furrows a brow. “Suppose to be what? Mad?” he snorts - it’s almost as if you didn’t know him entirely. He had already planned the wedding in his mind and exactly how many kids he wanted to have with you (if you allowed). 

“Well I wasn’t expecting you to look so fucking excited, either.” you hiss, lightly pushing at his chest. “The test can be negative, you know. It could be fatigue or my blood sugar could be high or low…”

Jungkook nods his head at your words, listening to you. “Or, you can be pregnant,” he states. “Either or, I want what’s best for you. One step at a time.”

You nod your head at him and allow your cheek to nestle into his palm. 

“We can check together.” Jungkook leans closer to you, his nose tickling yours. “And we’ll do what we need to do from there.”

Jungkook pecks your lips in a comforting kiss. It’s weird to see how domesticated the two of you are - how comfortable. You would’ve never seen yourself entertaining someone like Jungkook a year ago, but now you and he are together constantly. You feel at home when you’re  around him; at ease when you’re in his warm embrace. Your heart is full whenever you’re around him and it yearns whenever you’re away for too long.

Fuck Jeon Jungkook and the way he has made you soft for him; this wasn’t suppose to be. You were supposed to finish college as independently as possible and focus on a career until you decided you were ready to entertain anyone.

How the tables truly turned.

“I’m scared.”

Jungkook wraps his arms around you, chin resting on your shoulder. The test is a few feet away and none of you can see the answer on it just yet.

“This is the first time you’ve admitted you are scared.” Jungkook teases. “I thought your mother didn’t raise a scared bitch.”

“Fuck you.”

“I did and this is why we’re in this predicament.” Jungkook retorts coolly. “We’ll check together, okay?”

“Okay.” you nod your head. 

Jungkook and you step further into the bathroom and you grab the test. You turn around to face him, looking into his anticipating eyes. “So…do we both look or do I look and tell you or-”

“You’re procrastinating again, baby.” Jungkook places his hand on top of yours. “We’ll look together.”

Jungkook’s eyes lowers to the test in your hands just as yours does. The test tightens in your grasp as you look down at the letters on the small screen.

See the Future (Final Part)

@minaamhh @suciedad-divina @satisfied18 @y2k5bby @petalsofink @swga-ficrecs @rrrapmonste-rr @xtrataerrestrial @bangctans @danielle143 @taekritimin123 @thelilbutifulthings @jksjx @tasha-0795 @busanbby-jjk @joonlover1207 @hollowtree11 @amberpanda99 @parkinglot-nights @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @hoseokteardrop @jingerbreadoutofstock @subtaegguk @ultimatebasura

[sciencebecameouraddiction]

title: you’re not you when you’re hungry

author: sciencebecameouraddiction

fandom: hazbin hotel

rating: G

genre: Fluff, could be read as romantic or platonic

pairing: Alastor x Reader

summary: Alastor looks about ready to end Vaggie, and you piece together it’s because he hasn’t eaten. So, you make him some food!

You watched closely as Alastor’s eye twitched while Vaggie went through her list of to-do’s. You knew that angels didn’t have to eat, which made so much more sense after finding out that Vaggie was an angel. That was the difference for demons though. Demons, sinners, and any hell born had to eat.

You briefly wondered if Alastor had eaten today. You’d never say anything but you saw he forgot to eat as often as you did. It could have been something else than forgetting, but you chalked it up to forgetting.

‘That would be why he was cranky,’ you mused to yourself. You hopped off your stool and made your way to the kitchen. Quickly you pulled together your own famous Spiced Alfredo and used some of the venison you knew Alastor kept in the refrigerator. He was always stocked up… even though he constantly forgot to eat, which was humorous. You finished off the sauce and pasta, hearing loud yelling and the static that accompanied an upset Alastor.

You quickly finished the plate, placed it at the bar on the island in the kitchen and dashed out, the dashing helping your cause as you looked so disheveled as you just about crashed into the lobby. You panted and leaned against your arm, anchoring it on the wall.

“Al-Alastor.” You called, still out of breath. Whatever Alastor was about to respond to Vaggie, who looked enraged, was stopped as he turned to you. He glared at you, his eyes narrowing.

“What is it?” His voice tight with annoyance.

“I need your help. Seriously. I think only you can fix this.” He sighs, his teeth grinding in his smile.

“We’ll finish this when I come back.” He remarked to Vaggie and she glared at him as he left the lobby. You stood staring at him when he stood in front of you. His head tilted.

“Where to?” He asked, gesturing to the hall behind you.

“Oh! Yes!” You walked to the kitchen and heard a stomach growl as you got closer and the scent of the pasta got stronger. You hid your smile as you turned the corner and pointed to the seat. “Sit.” Alastor looked at you and did so.

“I’m not sure how this is helping anything-“ He cut off his sentence as you placed the large plate of food in front of him.

“Eat. You’re not you when you’re hungry.” You chuckle at the joke Alastor would not get, as you turn and toast some bread, finishing up the meal you were making. You heard him set his staff down and the clink of him picking up his fork. You look behind and see him moving the pasta around and sniffing the food suspiciously. “I didn’t poison it.” You say in disgust, rolling your eyes as you walk toward him spreading butter on the toast and placing three slices on his plate.

“Can’t ever be too sure.” He deadpans. “Is this?” He trails off looking at you.

“Venison, yes.” You say chuckling as you finish up a cup of coffee as well. “My famous Spiced Alfredo? Also, yes.” You set the coffee down in front of him, black, but brewed with a bit of salt to take out the bitterness. “Black coffee? Of course it is. You only drink coffee.” You roll your eyes and take off your apron, seeing Alastor take his first bite, his eyes widening. You turn to him and raise your eye brows, sipping your own coffee, but with sugar and cream.

“You like it?” You ask as Alastor takes another bite, just nodding. “Good. Eat and then you can do whatever you were doing. Otherwise you were going to kill someone because you were hangry.” You laugh and go to leave, to give Alastor some peace, when his hand lands on your arm, stopping you so gently. You look at him questioningly, and then he pulls out the seat next to you, a wordless invitation. “I’m not eating anything though.” You warn.

“That’s fine.” He says, taking another bite. “Where did you learn to cook like this?”

“Well, in my time, we had TV and there was a channel called Food Network. All these great chefs would have different TV shows and you could learn how to cook. I never had formal training but I learned how to cook by watching them.” You laugh.

“Fascinating. Tell me more.” Alastor prompted as he continued to eat, listening to you talk about your favorite show and even some of the gossip that was supposedly fact. Alastor never expected kindness like this and the last time someone did something like this for him, his mother was still alive. He was going to cherish this as long as he could.

[lonelypep]

every smash bros character ranked by how good of a cook i think they’d be.

82: piranha plant

eating this dish will kill you instantly. turns out he spit some poison in there while no one was looking. and yeah, that sucks, but if you even accepted a meal from this guy i think you have bigger problems

81: ridley.

let’s be real, if you let this guy into the kitchen, you made a huge mistake. it’s like john mulaney’s horse in a hospital sketch: you never know what he’s gonna do next. you’re too focused on getting him out.

80: king k rool.

king k rool is many things. a king, a pirate, a scientist. but he is not a cook. he’ll try, but he has literally no clue what he’s even doing in the kitchen.

79: yoshi

yoshi will give you a dish and you’ll be like “what the fuck is this” and he’ll talk about how it was made from the finest newborns of his home planet. i’m deciding to ignore it but it’s really nagging at me.

78: sonic

sonic shouldn’t be on this list. because he wouldn’t make you any food. he’ll go to the local sonic and get a burger in about 3 minutes. it sucks. disqualified.

77: pac man

what can i say. it tastes like literal plastic. i don’t even wanna know how he made it. i’ll give it back to him but the nice thing about pac man is he wouldn’t give a shit.

76: bowser jr.

fuck this guy. he rage quit at making a grilled cheese. now there’s a literal canonball in the stove. now no one else can use it!! this is what happens when you spoil kids.

75: pikachu/pichu

these two are in the same category since they’d make the same thing. they’d get store bought french fries and fry them with lighting outside. it’s consistent, it works, just not really filling. and they don’t know how to make anything else.

74. wario

don’t get me wrong: he knows what he’s doing. he’s the burger king of smash. he’s this low because the burger is the most unhealthy shit you’ll ever have. eating it gave you chronic diarrhea, gastrointestinal issues, and permanently damaged your taste buds. but god fucking damn was it a good burger.

73. hero

he gave you a single piece of bread with butter on it. it’s not bad but…really dude?

72: olimar

he didn’t make you a bad meal, in fact it was one of the best here. but that’s because he didn’t make you something. it was the pikmin and he’s trying to pass it off as his own and the pikmin don’t know because they don’t speak english. 0/10: not fucking cool dude.

71: kazuya

honestly? i don’t trust this guy. i was too intimidated to even ask his name. from what i can gather no one even invited him to the party he just showed up and made a mediocre meal. what’s weird: someone came into the kitchen and claimed this guy killed their whole family. we never saw that guy again. needless to say, kazuya wasn’t invited to the afterparty.

70: link (botw)

don’t get me wrong here, link is a five star chef. he’s just really unsanitary. apparently he cut the meat and vegetables with the same sword he killed calamity ganon with. i don’t wanna taste that guy!! have you seen him?? not to mention he pulled the meal out of his pants. i don’t even know how it fit in there.

69: inkling

she made a pancake and i thought it was good! but i absolutely can’t condone this. inkling left so much fucking weird slime and shit all over my house. and got really competitive when she heard i was getting meals from everyone else. i hope they’re all ok.

68: ROB

it was so processed. the most processed food i’ve ever had in my entire life. it’s not his fault, rob is a great guy. but this tasted like literally nothing.

67: ice climbers

when they told me they were making dessert, i trusted them. but i let someone else taste test first. my best friend was sent to the hospital because of tongue frostbite. didn’t even know that was a thing. i made the ice climbers pay for it (they’re fucking loaded)

66: villager

he made isabelle do it. and she made something great! but i’m not giving this cretin credit for having the money to afford a five star chef. you don’t deserve it because you sold a shit ton of tarantulas villager!!

65: lucario.

dude got really mad and destroyed my kitchen. he’s REALLY lucky he got the burger PERFECTLY cooked.

64: male byleth.

like this dude knows how to cook. he can barely make chicken nuggets. he has to eat in the school cafeteria simply because he never learned how to cook a simple meal. but he’s a really nice guy. total himbo. love him.

63: ryu

i asked this guy what he likes to eat. big mistake. he then went on to say that his training regiment doesn’t condone copious indulgence (his words) and he lives off of nothing but protein shakes. you do you i guess.

62-61: fox/falco

these two went into the kitchen and came out with weird alien food. i didn’t eat it but everyone else seemed to enjoy it

60: greninja

when he first came out i was so excited. he came out with the most finely sliced food i had ever seen in my entire life. but it was soooo watered down. everything tasted like celery. how do you make crab taste like celery?? how??!

59-58: simon/richter

these guys both made the same exact fish recipe, came out at the same time, and proceeded to fight each other. i didn’t get to try any 😭

57-49: every fire emblem character.

genuinely, i can’t tell these guys apart. or their food choices. honestly, my bad. i’m sure they’re good. but where do i even start.

48: sheik

she doesn’t know how to cook. she kidnapped someone else. normally i wouldn’t put someone like that this high but a. i have gender envy b. it’s for the greater good (or so she said)

47: cloud

dude made a great sandwich but he kept screaming random noises while he did. personally, i’m just glad he managed not to destroy the kitchen. that’s a first here.

46: captain falcon

he promised he’d pick up some pizza but got into a car crash on the way there. eventually he got there after the car crash was all sorted out, but got into ANOTHER on the way back. i’m honestly kind of impressed

45: steve

steve could cook an absolutely fucking KILLER meal. he’ll even offer to do it for free. but you shouldn’t let him under any circumstances. he took 13 hours gathering materials and while the wait was, arguably, worth it, i never want to experience it again. (side note: we asked captain falcon to get some pizza while waiting which led to the aforementioned entry)

44: sora

sora doesn’t know how to cook but he’s by far the biggest name at this party. everyone fucking loves him. he’s friends with GOOFY. this dude hangs out with GOOFY. this guys has hung out with GOOFY AND jack sparrow. bad food but i could listen to this guy talk for hours about his story. i’m sure i’ll understand it all.

43-40: pokémon trainer

this guys organization is fucking atrocious. if he can actually get his shit together he’ll cook up some nice vegetarian meals, but that’s a big if.

HONORABLE MENTION: sans mii gunner

sans undertale is a world renowned, famous chef. his recipes are simple, but cooked with such love, care, and finess it turns a simple cheeseburger into a masterpiece. sans undertale would easily top this list. sans mii gunner is not sans undertale. he bought the real sans’ cookbook and thinks he’s some kind of cooking genius. and sure he’s got the recipes but none of the skill to actually make it.

39-38: samus/zero suit samus

hooray! we’re out of bad cook options now. samus is a great cook, but she’s so used to her alien delicacies she doesn’t know how to cook on earth anymore. shame, but i trust her to produce something edible.

37: shulk

he is really good at the grill. unfortunately, he refused to put a shirt on and made everyone a little uncomfy. that being said, he showed me the beach boys and i had never listened to them before. so he gets points.

36-35: pit/dark pit

these guys don’t know how to cook but the flew into the sky and killed some mythical bird for everyone to eat. i couldn’t have any, i’m pescatarian, but everyone else loved it.

34: bayonnetta

she opened a portal to a waffle house and a bunch of demons came flying out. she didn’t make anything, but honestly, absolutely legendary experience that was.

33: duck hunt

you’d think a dog wouldn’t bring anything meaningful. this would be false. that is the freshest duck i’ve ever seen in my entire life. (didn’t eat it: pescatarian)

32: king dedede

he made his legendary homemade mashed potatoes. everyone loved them. so creamy… weirdly perfect. too bad i hate the monarchy. sorry bud.

31: meta knight

meta knight is a great cook and should be higher. but i don’t want him to be. because he’s so fucking pretentious. he sliced all the food in front of everyone and wouldn’t shut up about radiohead. hate this guy.

30-29: daisy/peach

these two put all their private chefs together to make something for everyone. great catering, great food, but they didn’t technically make it. love them.

28: mewtwo

as if mewtwo wouldn’t just read someone’s mind and cook something. but it’s not mewtwo’s food…so…. sorry dude you cheated.

27: dark samus

she really surprised me here. she cooked up the most exquisite alien delicacies i’ve ever tasted in my entire life. should be higher. but unfortunately, i had to get a space parasite removed from my system by regular samus. honestly though… it was worth it.

26: ganon

he was rude to everyone about his cooking skills and wouldn’t stop bragging. asshole am i right? but surprised everyone by grilling his god damn heart out. he’s a bad try hard but like go off i guess.

25: isabelle

she’s trying her absolute fucking best and she deserves the world here. amazing cook, we need to save her from the island.

24: little mac

dude went so hard. brought new york pizza ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK. ok, not literally, but he made a damn good pizza

23: snake

full disclosure: snake doesn’t know how to cook. also no one knows he’s an agent. but he has to cook to blend in so you BEST BELIEVE this man is going to COOK like his life depends on it.

22-20: young link, ness, and lucas

all these guys are incredibly mature for their age. surprised everyone at this party. i had deep and philosophical conversations with all of them about appreciating life. i fucking cried. oh and they made everyone sandwiches, and even took my pescatarianism into account.

19: rosalina

she brought weird space ice cream and i felt my mind expanding as i ate it. love her.

18: mr game and watch

he feels like everyone’s dad! and he’s one of those cooks who cooks in front of everyone. dude flung his meals onto everyone’s plates expertly. love him.

17: joker

originally much lower on this list, joker showed up at my house and attempted to make a grilled cheese and made the worst thing i’ve ever taste. then he said something about gru from despicable me and stood in the corner for an hour. originally i had him towards the bottom but then he doordashed five gigantic burgers, ate all of them in one sitting, and then made me an expensive curry that tasted fantastic. dude went hard.

it was at this point i realized i made a mistake with the numbers. like hell if i’m going to fix the whole thing.

22: zelda

she made some weird food but damn was it pretty to look at! crystals, magic power, i mean good vibes all around here.

21-20: pyra and mythra

i feel like i should put them here since they’re confirmed to be good cooks in the game. but between you and me, i didn’t invite them. i’d consider some entries before this to be better cooks but at this point i’ve been working on this list for 8 hours i do not wanna go back and fix things please i mean this whole list is a joke no one should take this seriously

19: banjo and kazooie

these guys can fucking cook. they’ve been living on their own for a while so it makes sense but it still surprises me. they made a really big stew and even brought free puzzle games.

18: wolf

GRILL MASTER. dude knows what he’s doing on that thing. i’ve never seen better spatula work. holy shit.

17: kirby

kirby came in with some weird blonde hair and made some FANTASTIC ribs (that i didn’t have bc i’m pescatarian). weirdly, gordon ramsey went missing the same day…. i’m sure it means nothing.

16: mario

dude made some absolutely spectacular spaghetti. but he kept talking about how great he is and it really off put some people. kinda weird dude.

15: dr mario. dude brought 50 apples to the potluck. guess he doesn’t wanna see anyone in the office. and he didn’t because we ate them all. take that.

14: min min

she brought some soup dumplings which a lot of people hadn’t had! love her. literally fantastic. she had a whole arm for cooking. that’s what we call efficient.

13: ken

he’s kenough. he is amazing at barbecue. he can cook things with his hands, juggle, also he’s just a fun presence. (i made him make fake meat burgers for me)

12: jigglypuff

she showed up with so many pastries. like so many. not only that, but they were decorative!! she put so much work into that. love her.

11: luigi

he tried to make spaghetti like his brother but a literal fucking meteor slammed into his pot and cracked it. tough luck. then he offered to pay and i refused, but went out and got me some really expensive spaghetti anyways! he’s such a nice guy!! shouldn’t be this high… but i love this guy so much. he’s trying his hardest and i respect that.

10: toon link

toon link didn’t actually make anything. but his mom came and made everyone a salad. and honestly! his mom is some great company. she had so many interesting stories about his childhood. honestly she added so much to the function

9: terry

he is the BARBECUE MASTER!!!! literally what the hell how is he so good! everyone at the party kinda stereotyped him but he’s really really progressive with his views which you wouldn’t think for a big barbecue muscle guy in a baseball cap but everyone loved this guy.

8: mega man

the MASTER CHEF!! literally. he was on master chef. he uses thin round blades to slice vegetables, heats things perfectly, has an instance knowledge of spices, just damn. this guy knows what he’s doing.

7-6: bowser and donkey kong

common misconception: everyone thinks these two would have no idea how to cook. but these are FAMILY GUYS HERE!! they’re providing for absolutely gigantic families, these fuckers know how to make a sandwich and they did. initially they started off making separate sandwiches but they have a really similar recipe and decided to work together. and i really respect that. also turns out peach is just bowser’s kids’ babysitter.

5: palutena.

everyone expected her to show up with some absolutely mystical food. naturally, she showed up with the literal ambrosia of the gods. holy shit. unfortunately, she didn’t put as much effort into it as she could’ve.

4: sephiroth.

ok this guy didn’t really cook anything amazing. but his sheer fucking commitment to the vibe is literally legendary. this man has a long as sword he cut 10 veggies at a time with. he heat them with magic world ending fire. when he was done in the kitchen he surrounded himself with fire and gazed menacingly at me. his sheer commitment to the edge lord aesthetic is truly exemplary.

3: incineroar.

THE GRILLING GOAT!! this man is a grill master. he was prepared to grill ANYTHING. and i mean anything. fish, veggies, meat, fucking grilled cheese. love this guy.

2: wii fit trainer

she made the most well balanced and healthy salad i’ve ever had. and she made it taste extraordinary. she can be a little intense about fitness but i’ve never had a healthier meal in my life. it immediately lowered my extremely high cholesterol.

1. diddy kong

he’s about ten. he made you a pb&j. he had homework to do, but he made you a pb&j. he didn’t have to. he wasn’t asked to. he just wanted to make you a pb&j. he could’ve done anything else but he made you a pb&j. what heartless monster wouldn’t accept it.

[nebulaafterdark]

Exile (Part 4)

Summary: Y/N Undersee thought the games were over after becoming a victor. Unfortunately, life outside the arena has become just as dangerous. Prequel to Moves & Countermoves

Trigger warning: forced prostitution, explicit sexual content, alcohol/drug use and other mentions of trauma. 18+ ONLY

Part 3

The reaping for the 64th hunger games, brings forth their tributes, Denali and Maximus. The girl, is sixteen and her little brother, only fourteen. Orphans, surviving solely off of tesserae and profits made from pedaling contraband at the hob.

When Y/N comes to greet them on the train, Denali has her brother tucked behind her protectively, near the table of food. “Hello.”

Denali watches her with wary eyes.

“You should eat.” Y/N tells her. “Both of you. Get your strength up for the arena.”

Maximus reaches out for a dinner roll, but his sister slaps it from his hand.

“You first.” Denali demands. She needs to be sure it’s not poisoned.

Y/N closes the space between them, taking the abandoned bread and tearing off a piece. Placing it into her mouth, she chews and swallows.

Maximus presses his lips together, gulping hard. He can almost taste it.

“My name is Y/N. I’ll be your mentor-”

“Where’s the other one? The man?”

“Haymitch is down in the bar car.” Y/N tells them.

“He’s been doing it longer, we want him.” Denali says.

“Fine.” Y/N crosses both arms over her chest, toying with the bracelet on her left wrist. “But the two of you stay here, and eat. Please eat.”

The girl narrows her gray, seam, eyes, watching the woman leave. She’s seen her before, sneaking around where she didn’t belong. The man, Haymitch, was from the seam, before he won the games. He still comes down to the hob, Denali’s sold to him a couple times. Most recently, a bracelet, woven from stitching scraps. For his wife, he’d told her…and the woman, Y/N, is wearing it.

The victors return after a long moment, their hands intertwined. Y/N appears to be leading Haymitch toward them, against his will.

Maximus and his sister stare at him, expectantly.

Haymitch smiles, “I heard you wanted to see me.”

“Y-yes. You’re our mentor and we need strategy and-”

“Woah,” Haymitch stops the girl’s train of thought, “you’re barking up the wrong tree, sweetheart.”

“What?”

“That’s her department,” Haymitch jerks his chin toward his wife.

“Then what do you do?” Denali asks.

“Enjoy the refreshments,” Haymitch lifts his glass.

————————————————————————

Upon arriving in the Capitol, Y/N and Haymitch are collected to film interviews. Caesar always finds a way to make the most of their time here. But over the years, it has proven useful in gaining sponsors for their tributes.

“We’re happy.” Haymitch reminds Y/N. “We’re in love and so glad to be here.”

Y/N nods, blinking up at him through obscenely long lashes. Vanity has done a number on her this time. Y/N is her muse, the one who inspired her to leave her position as stylist for the games and design pieces for her victor full time.

The people of the Capitol cannot get enough. Anything Y/N wears, they want to wear. Tonight is a cotton candy pink dress.

“For the first time, on this very stage, we will be joined by Mr. and Mrs. Abernathy.” Caesar announces, riling the crowd into a frenzy.

Last time they were here was their wedding day and Snow obviously had better things for them to do afterwards than gossip with Caesar Flickerman.

“Please give our newly weds a warm welcome, Y/N and Haymitch.” Caesar motions toward them from the stage, their queue to join him.

Haymitch reaches back for her hand, waving out at the crowd as they cross the floor.

Y/N greets Caesar first. He likes her better than Haymitch anyway, most people do.

————————————————————————

“Where’ve you been?” Maximus asks his mentors, after the tribute parade.

“Clearly they have more important things to do than help us.” Denali turns up her nose in their direction.

The tributes are dressed as coal miners…again.

“Do you have any idea how much a bottle of water goes for in the arena? A loaf of bread? Medicine?” Haymitch cuts in. “Those things don’t come cheap, sweetheart.”

“So what?” Denali doesn’t understand how their absence would change that.

“There’s people here with a lot of money.�� Y/N explains. “The more time we spend with them, the more money they’re willing to provide our tributes. I’m sorry that we had to step away, but that’s why I supplied you with the tablets. Did you have a chance to look over the strategy files?”

Denali shakes her head of dark curls.

“That’s ok, we still have time.” Y/N assures her, “let’s go up to our floor. We can discuss it over dinner.”

————————————————————————-

The district twelve escort, a woman named Cordelia Walters, who desperately hopes to be reassigned to another district; holds the elevator for them. “Chop, chop.” She claps her hands together. Like herding animals in a zoo.

“Always a delight.” Haymitch snarks, as they step into the confined space.

Y/N huffs a laugh, pressing her lips together. Their escorts seem to have a high turnover rate. She hopes that holds true.

Dinner is tense, Cordelia can’t be bothered with listening to defense strategy details. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Oh, sure!” Y/N pipes up, “let’s discuss the up in coming fashion for the spring. I have all of Vanity’s sketches.”

“Really?” The woman squeals, “you don’t think she’ll mind?”

“Not at all.” Y/N lies, “here, take it. You can bring it back in the morning.”

“Thank you.” The Capitol woman races away, closing the door to her suite behind her.

“That’s one way to do it.” Haymitch lifts a shoulder, poking at the peas on his plate.

“Now we can talk?” Maximus asks, shoveling another spoonful into his mouth.

“Yeah,” Y/N smiles. “You can start by telling me what you’re good at.”

“I’m a fast runner.” The boy tells her.

“Had to be, we’ve been running all our lives.” Denali adds, still unsure if Y/N can be trusted.

“And what about you,” Y/N asks, “what are you good at?”

“I’m strong and good with a knife.” The girl tells her. “We just need you to give us a chance.”

Y/N leans in, across the table, “we can train you, separate from the other tributes. We can supply you with anything you might need from a sponsor. We can prepare you for your interviews. No one is rooting for you more than we are.”

The four of them talk late into the night, answering questions. Exchanging stories and discussing useful weapon tactics.

Haymitch’s number one rule is not to get attached. However his wife, either cannot or will not follow it.

When they finally retire to their room, Y/N makes a mad dash for the white pills, on the bedside table. The contents rattle in her shaking hand.

“Here, angel.” Haymitch takes it from her, “that won’t help.”

“But you said-” White is for pain.

He reaches for another bottle. “Take this.” He deposits a yellow pill into her hand. Then a blue. For her nerves and to help her sleep.

Y/N swallows them down, attempting to catch her breath.

“Come here.” Haymitch wraps her up in his arms. Placing a hand over her heart and rubbing gently, “that’s where it hurts, huh?”

She nods, praying that the pills take effect soon.

“The white ones can’t help with that.” He continues, attempting to soothe the ache.

“How do you do this?” Y/N leans into him. “It’s only been four years and I feel like-”

“Before you, those ten years after I won….I drank until I blacked out and I can still see their faces. I remember their names. I see their families, back home and it never gets easier. It never gets better. But you find ways to live with it.”

Y/N lets out a sob, “I can’t. I can’t.”

“I’ll help you.” I’ll do whatever it takes.

“I want to go home.”

“I know,” Haymitch breathes. “But the pills are gonna kick in soon. Then you’ll feel better.”

“I don’t want to feel better. I want to save those kids!”

“We can try.” Haymitch says, somberly.

“If I overdose, what happens to my family?” Y/N wonders, eyelids growing heavy as Haymitch shuffles her toward the bed.

“Snow wanted to have them executed after your games. As punishment for you not killing Tyson. He was only willing to negotiate a deal, in exchange for my…work. If you kill yourself, I have nothing else to offer him. No leverage. He’ll kill them and sell me; again.” Haymitch explains, pulling off her shoes. “But I wouldn’t blame you.”

Y/N sucks in a breath. She has something to live for. Her sister, her parents and him. She has Haymitch to live for. Therefore she cannot die. “It was only a hypothetical question, I wasn’t- I wouldn’t-” leave you.

Haymitch pats her cheek, the drugs have kicked in and her tears have subsided. “Goodnight, angel.”

Taglist: @spideysimpossiblegirl @ancientbeing10 @1-800-styles @l3xi3luv @lam-ila @druby2011-blog @liballer @readinginthe-am @rae-11 @champomiel @mariechristine00

[spideyhexx]

Billy knew he didn't actually hate you, but it was the only front he'd been able to put up.

Ever since you joined his gang, you've been a thorn in his side. Your constant teasing and that sickeningly sweet smile that played on your lips every time his jaw clenched at your words would send him into a spiral. It's like you always knew the right way to thread words together to make him mad.

He admits to himself he's taken with you. He sees your beauty and understands the intrigue that other men express with ease towards you, but there's just a coil inside him that tightens with anger whenever words fall out of your pretty mouth.

Billy felt poisoned by you. You occupy every part of his mind. He isn't even sure how he's supposed to do his job when he's only thinking about your voice. Or the way you called him out for staring while you sipped on your drink. Or when he saw you come out of your tent, buttoning your shirt up and you just had to comment on his blush.

This morning would be like any other. Everyone is scattered, eating their breakfast. Billy leans up against a post and does the same.

"Mr. Bonney, I recall being promised an extra piece of bread," he hears you from behind him and you swoop in, taking his already half-eaten piece of bread from him. "I reckon that was Jesse, not me," his eyes pierce daggers into you, but it somehow never phased you. At least on the outside.

On the inside, you wanted to melt from his gaze but you're smarter than that. You knew how to keep yourself composed, so all Billy saw was a calm expression and a smile as you ate what was left of his bread.

He'd roll his eyes so hard, you'd think he wanted you to hear it. He stalks off towards a small group of his men who've gathered around to talk. You trail behind him, watching his arm flex as he reaches for his hat and puts it on his head, adjusting it only slightly before leaving it. You always like his hat and the way his little brown curls would peek out in tufts from it. The attraction you had for him was overwhelming at times but the power you felt when you got him so pissed off was enough to fuel your aching feelings for him.

A wild thought enters your mind as he comes to a halt, you a few paces behind him. Annoying him was the epitome of fun for you and why not start the day off strong? Without another thought, you sneak up behind him and yank his hat off of his head, backing away quickly as he turns on instinct, his hand at his gun. He relaxes when he notices it's just you.

"Give me that back," he snaps as the other boys whistle in amusement.

They were all used to your antics by now and loved it when you challenged Billy. You seemed to be the only person to really get under his skin so it was for their amusement too.

A taunt plays at the tip of your tongue like venom. "You gonna catch me?" You tighten your grip on his hat, a smile still on your lips as his mouth opens to say something, but nothing comes out.

Billy's mind is racing. He's still tired and he only got to eat half of his food cause of you and now you have his hat of all things. All he feels like he can do at that moment is let out a little chuckle, shaking his head.

He begins to walk towards you and you both circle one another as all attention is focused on the two of you. "We both know I can run faster than you, sweetheart," Billy tries. He tries so hard to not come off as irritated as he is but it's so obvious. You loved that about him.

His brow is knitted and his lips purse in frustration when you shake your head. "You think so little of me, Bonney."

The two of you circle one another for a bit. You want to just run but you're waiting to see his first move. Billy on the other hand doesn't think you would even run. He knows he can very easily get a few steps closer and grab his hat from you. He's trying to study your face like he wants to read your thoughts, but he just can't. You're too good, too concealed.

"You too scared, Bonney?" A few of the men around you snicker at that and you feel your smile turn into more of a smirk as Billy's face emits more anger. He swallows hard, nose flaring as he watches you like prey. But then again, maybe he's the prey. He takes two steps to move forward and you tsk before turning heel and dashing away.

"Fuck!" He curses as the men laugh and he takes off after you. Billy had to admit that you were faster than he thought, but he still caught up enough to try and reach out his hands to grab you. You spin out of his grasp, his fingers barely grazing your waist before you run off again.

You don't miss the way he lets out a groan and you so badly wish you could turn around and see the look on his face, but you book it. The land is vast where you are, so much room and you take that advantage.

When you're a decent distance away, you stop, "you're pretty slow, Bonney!" You watch him heave it as he keeps running after you and you decide to slow your pace as you continue. Maybe he's had enough. And maybe you wanna see his handsome face up close again.

The lake comes into view as you run and Billy nears closer to you. It's like the adrenaline kicked in for him full-time as you feel your own heart pounding, just waiting to feel him catch you.

When Billy gets close enough to grab you, and he does. His hands grip onto your waist hard and he's tugging you close to him as you let out a shriek. The force of this, however, with both of you running and the hold he's got on you makes him lose his footing. He falls onto the ground, bringing you down with him.

He takes most of the fall and you land on top of him, his grasp on you so fucking tight. Despite the wind being knocked out of him for a moment, Billy's made aware of how your ass is now pressing right against his crotch and it takes every nerve in his body to not just buck his hips up against you to continue the sensation that's rocketing throughout his body in that instant. He knows he's digging his fingers tight on your hips and it gives his clouded mind all the more reason to grind against you, but he doesn't. His grip loosens.

He tries to sit up after a moment and that's when he realizes you're...laughing? Laughing so hard as you roll off of him onto your back next to him in the grass.

You both pant from exhaustion and you place Billy's hat on his chest, patting it before continuing in your fit of laughter. He looks at you with his brow raised. Billy's never had such conflicting emotions course through him before, but he knew he loved the sight of you laughing this hard. And that it was him and only him.

He really did his best to keep his lips from quirking up into a smile, but you were already looking at him. "oh don't hide it, Mr. Bonney, you loved that," you get out as you continue to laugh and that's when Billy noticed you were crying from it.

And all Billy could do, despite whatever had been holding him back, was smile and laugh along.

He drops his head into the grass as you sit up and wipe at your eyes. Billy can't take his eyes off of you. The morning sun hits you perfectly and he's even seen you laugh like this. For this one moment, any anger you've caused him dissipates, and he's left only with some sort of happiness.

You finally look back at him and notice the slight flush on his cheeks as he stares up at you. You try to return your breathing to normal as you glance at his hat, but then you see something else.

"Are you hard right now?" Billy lifts his head up, moving his hat from his chest, and sees his arousal from the situation had been more than he might've expected and he looks at you as you try to hold in your laughter.

"Sweetheart, don't-" but you're already cackling and Billy accepts his defeat in the matter, watching you with a squint in his eyes due to the sun and a smile on his lips.

let's chat about billy, here :)

[j1mmys-darl1ng]

.ೃ࿐rubber can be used for alot more.ೃ࿐

pairing : Tate Langdon x reader

Warnings : SMUT!!!, the rubber suit, poor writing, smut with no plot basically, probably out of character

A/n : im so sorry for pushing this fic off until now i genuinely keep falling asleep and got ill with a cold + food poisoning 😭🙏

This is for the anon that requested it <3

IF YOUR UNDER 18 ITS YOUR FAULT FOR READING BEYOND THIS POINT

"Oh shit tate! Fucking slow down!" you yelp, the sound of the black, glossy rubber suit he's wearing drowning out your pleas.

Tates hips move at a fast rhythm, pounding into your tight hole. Your hands grip the arm of the couch, your nails creating scrapes on the blood red velvet. Why didnt tate just fuck you on the couch instead of bending you over it? That question may never be answered.

"Holy shit! Fuck!" is all tate can huff out, a mix of 'good girl' and other praises mixed in under his breath. "keep that pretty little ass up like that. Your doing so well" his hands kneading each of your cheeks like bread dough.

His lips leave a trail of peppered kisses down your shoulder and spine, kissing all the way back up to the nape of you neck when he physically cant get any lower.

"Tate please! Im so fuckin' close!" you squeal as he hits the plushy spot inside of you, your walls throbbing around him.

"Go on. I wanna see it dripping all over my cock." his face burried in your hair, his nails leaving crecent like marks dug into your hips.

With one more thrust, your seeing white. Your vision going blury as you squeeze your eyes (and thighs) shut, a loud whimper escaping your slightly parted lips as your walls tighen around him, making his movents stiff and shaky before shooting thick ropes of him cum into you, painting your insides white.

"ill clean this up" he says quietly, plopping you down onto the couch and pressing a gentle kiss into your forehead

He comes back a few minutes later with a towel and some water, snuggling up besides you on the couch as you wrap and arm around his shoulder.

"i wasnt too rough.. Right?"

A/n : sorry for poor writing, i know this fic will flop anyways but its best to post it and hope for the best!

Thank you for reading! <3

[tianasimstreehouse]

Occult Recipebook

Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and caldron bubble.

INTRO

Occult gameplay is up there with one of my favourite ways to play. Food is a part of our Sims lives, and should also be for occults so that they can cook up their preferred foods.

This Occult Recipebook is a collection of custom recipes (food and drink) for Occult Sims in the Sims 4.

I have started off this occult culinary journey with: ✨SPELLCASTERS✨

I have plans to later create foods for each occult life state, so I will keep adding to the recipe book.

“Spellcasters” as a life state can be played in so many different ways: they can range from gnarly evil witches who practice black magic and eat bird entrails, to happy little fairies who live in cottages surrounded by woods and flowers! I have tried to include a little bit of everything in the recipes I have created. These foods are a mix of fairy, fantasy, green garden witch, apothecary, or black-magic sorcerer etc. 

They effect Spellcasters and/or human Sims in many weird and wonderful ways.

E.g. Nettle Tea which helps teenagers suffering with acne, Milk Thistle Biscuits which leave the consumer with prickly thistles in their tongue, and Eye of Newt Soup which most Sims will find disgusting but which Spellcasters will happily slurp up.

RECIPES

39 new recipes for your Spellcasters!

~ Realm of Magic is required for these recipes ~

**there's a fair amount of pack-integration, and be sure to read the pack recommendations on the Patreon post for each recipe** to make sure nothing is missing or glitching.

Meals Dandelion Salad - increases SCs gardening skill, fills PlantSims' hunger Nettle Soup Soft-Boiled Golden Eggs - makes Sims glow and glitter Pumpkin Pasties Pomegranate Halves Eye of Newt Soup - makes other Sims feel sick Valerian Root Pie - other Sims won't like this dish Elderberry Jam Toast Toadstool Soup - inspires SCs, normal Sims won't like this dish Salamander Stew - other Sims won't like this dish Spiced Honey Bread - SCs will gain all skills faster Raised Newt Pie - makes other Sims feel sick Dragon Livers - Werewolves will love these and normal Sims won't Raised Phoenix Pie - Sims will randomly breathe fire for a while and feel confident

Desserts Milk Thistle Biscuits - chance to get uncomfortable thistles in tongue Huckleberry Jam Cream Puffs - makes SCs playful Fairy Bread Soul Cakes Huckleberry Pie Juniper Berry Jam Biscuits Honeycomb Cakes - SCs will gain all skills faster Valerian Custard Tart Toadstool Cookies Cursed Cookies - wouldn't recommend eating these... serve them to enemies! Eating one may leave the SC eater cursed. Good Sims will sense the evil inside and get sad Canning *Requires Cottage Living Canning Skill Gooseberry Jam Elderberry Jam Rosehip Jelly Drinks *Bar/alcoholic drinks require Mixology skill, and a Bar. Acorn Coffee (*coffee machine) Pumpkin Juice Willow Bark Tea - A home remedy to cure most illnesses, food poisoning etc Sage Tea - soothes stress and anger, SCs are focused and improve logic skills faster Nettle Tea - helps teens suffering from acne Lavender Tea - makes Sims flirty Mugwort Tea - reduces fear or panic Butterbeer - gives SCs confidence Mandrake Ale Nettle Wine Dandelion Wine Elderberry Wine

INFO & DOWNLOAD (early access): https://www.patreon.com/posts/79514896?pr=true Milk & Cookies: Now! Sugar Cookies: May 24th Public: May 31st

Pro tip for Windows PC users: Please make sure to delete the MACOSX folders/files that can appear after you extract the mod's files, otherwise the game may throw an error and not load at all.

TRANSLATIONS Polish - ❤️ Daisy1728, find their translation over here French - ❤️ Heidi / LuniverSims, find their translation here

[danikamariewrites]

PT2 to bring Feysands housewife, HOSTING FAMILY DINNERS WITH THE INNER CIRCLE 🤭😱 everyone praising you for your cooking, making the living room all cozy for game night, blankies, pillows, candles EVERYWHERE I need this to be my life asap 😩😩 I’m getting worked up just thinking about it

Housewife hc pt 2

Feysand x reader

A/n: I hope you liked part 1 anon ❤️ these two were so cute I loved writing them

Warnings: suggestive at the end

Family night was one of your favorite week nights

As much as you love having Feyre and Rhys to yourself you do love spending time with everyone (even though they are at the house everyday but this is different)

Tonight is all about fun and family. No work talk, no politics, nothing but food and games exist in this little bubble you create every week

The first time family night happened after you moved in you insisted on cooking. Rhys had asked you why since the house could prepare and serve the food. You told him it was nice the house did that but you liked cooking, it felt more personal and like the meal was full of love

You go all out for these dinners too, especially on holidays

You pick the bottles of wine for the night from Rhys’s collection in the cellar

You spend all day preparing ingredients for dinner and your favorite part, dessert

Once everyone gets to the house you bring out a small appetizer that Cassian is always the first to dig in to. That male can eat and he loves your cooking

Everyone mingles giving you time to lay out everything. You announce dinner once all the dishes are steamy and set

Something you pride yourself on is a well set dining table. Rhys has such pretty plates that he keeps in an cabinet and they deserve to be used along with the matching wine glasses and silverware

Everyone thanks you for making dinner and says how delicious everything smells

Cassian and Mor always give over the top reactions to your food. Elain always compliments you too and begs you to let her cook with you so she can learn your recipes

You love sharing recipes with her, especially for the pastries she makes. That girl is a bread wizard you’ll never understand how she does it

The conversation flows with the brothers and Lucien talking about what they’ve been up to at home. Lucien has been building Elain a green house while Az has taken on the project of building Gwyn her own library/lounge

You, Feyre, Nesta, and Gwyn chat about the newest Sellyn Drake book

You even talk with Amren about a new puzzle Arian got her

You and Amren have a special relationship. Amren wasn’t sure of you and your intentions with Rhys and Feyre, especially Rhys since it’s her job to look out for him and the court. Although she scared you you always made it a point to be kind to her

Months after the war she was still complaining about how she hadn’t really found food she liked. You offered to cook for her and the room went silent. Cassian and Azriel giving you a ‘do you really want to do that’s look. Amren gave you a curious, assessing look. Like she was figuring out if you would poison her or not

You just kept giving her your little airhead smile until Amren nodded, “Fine girl. Let’s see if you can make anything I would like.” Ever since then she had been a friend. Besides Rhys and Feyre, Amren is also very protective of you

After dinner you let the house clean up. You hate doing dishes and magic can make them spotless so why not

Moving on to the high light of the night, games!

You set up the living room earlier in the day. You always have to keep Rhys and Feyre out the whole day or they’ll mess up your set up before everyone gets there

You have all the pillows you can find set up on the floor and couches along with blankets so everyone can be comfortable

The large coffee table is moved to the center of the room with the games laid out along with the after dinner wine

You usual start off with a board game in teams, all the couples together while you’re with Feyre and Rhys

If Emerie isn’t there Amren and Mor team up which usually ends with them arguing with who’s in charge of the team

Games tend to get intense, especially card games where you’re all involved

The boys take poker very seriously

Nesta cheats and then loses on purpose to drive them insane

You all lose on purpose so it’s just the boys left, watching them yell at each other like children is so entertaining

Cassian is the biggest complainer before Rhys. He claims Lucien and Azriel have unfair magical advantages that can let them see other cards

Finally, when they’ve had enough of each other and are laughing hysterically everyone mellows out

After one more drink everyone heads to their rooms and Amren heads home

The 3 of you go to your shared room and they pamper you before bed

They do your skin care routine, Feyre braids your hair, and Rhys dresses you in one of his shirts for bed

In bed Feyre and Rhys squish you between them and give you small pecks all over your face and neck and shoulders

“Dinner was wonderful darling, you always do such a good job with family nights. We can’t thank you enough.” “You’re so sweet to do this baby.” They coo at you.

You get shy and blush, trying to hide your face from them

“Hey, don’t hide from us sweet girl. We mean it, y/n. It feels like you keep this family together more than we do.” Rhys says. “Thank you. That means a lot from you two.” You kiss both of them on their cheeks before laying back down

Feyre’s hand trails up your bare leg, tracing small patterns on your thigh

You smirk at her as Rhys attaches his lips to your neck, nipping and licking at you

“I think our sweet girl deserves a reward, don’t you Feyre darling?” “She absolutely does.” She says sweetly, dipping her head to connect her lips with yours

[thestoryden]

Tied Together

Aeron Bracken x Davos Blackwood

Word Count: 1.5k

HOTD MASTERLIST / Requests: Open

A/N: I started writing this last night after I saw this piece of fanart by @buben-ustal. I didn't get this ship at first but after seeing the lovely fanart people have made and rewatching the scene, I fell in love the Romeo & Juliet vibes.

Aeron turns over under the sheets. His sweaty skin makes them cling to him. He attempts to fluff his pillow before planting his face directly in to it.

“Seven Hells!” He grumbles, “This is no use.”

He rips the sheets off and gets up from his bed. His shoulder length hair is plastered all over his neck. He grabs a comb from his dresser and begins to pull it to one side. He separates it out in to pieces and then joins them together in a single braid. He can finally fell the breeze against his neck. He breathes a sigh of relief.

He pulls on a plain shirt and a pair of trousers and fastens his sword at his side. His cloak is left behind. He leaves the small castle without a thought only the notion that he must be free from his bed.

He finds himself walking through fields upon fields till he ends up at the boundary stones. In his exhaustion, Aeron sets down his sword next to the stones before collapsing in to the grass. The grass moves in front of him as he huffs.

“What you got there?”

The voice startles him. Aeron turns to see who is speaking to him. The sliver of moonlight does not illuminate much but a round face overshadowed by dark curls.

“It’s my sword.” He replies, “I wouldn’t get any closer. I could run you through you know.”

He is greeted by a deep laugh.

“I’d like to see you try. My name’s Davos, you must be one of the hedge knights that got hired to protect the boundaries.”

Aeron straightens up, “I am no hedge knight!”

“Gods, they sent out a mere squire.” Davos questions, “That’s awful. You’re lucky a Bracken didn’t find you. They would have struck you down with out so much as asking you who you were.”

The pieces start to fall in to place, “So you’re a Blackwood then?” Aeron asks hesitantly.

“Rightly speaking, yes I am,” Davos says as he plops down next to Aeron, “I haven’t won my knighthood quite yet, so we are in the same boat.”

Aeron freezes. Idiot, he thinks, You strolled your stupid self right in to the enemies arms.

Davos opens up his satchel and pulls out some bread and a wax wrapped cheese.

“Bet that knight of yours sent you off without so much as dinner.” He remarks.

Aeron had skipped dinner and his mouth waters as the sight of the loaf in Davos’ hand. He tries to stay silent unsure of what to do next, but his body betrays him. His stomach grumbles and his cheeks heat up at the sound. Davos can see his face turn pink.

“That’s all right.” Davos says as he tears the bread in to, “We can share this, and then head back to the kitchens if its not enough.”

He hands one half to Aeron and does the same with the cheese he sliced in half. Aeron lets the tension go from his body as he accepts the food. He sniffs it.

“Is it poisoned?” Aeron asks with suspicion.

 Davos looks at him and tilts his head, “Now why would I do that?”

“I have heard rumors…” Aeron trails off.

Davos laugh, “Wow. Those Brackens really will say anything about us. No, it isn’t poisoned.”

Aeron relents and finally begins to eat. He pauses at the first bite to see if anything will happen. Davos gives him a playful push.

“If you are that unsure you can swap pieces with me.”

Aeron shakes his head, “That’s quite all right. Thanks for the food, I’m Aeron by the way.”

He makes his way through his halves of the food before he realizes his thirst. He turns to Davos.

“Do you have anything to drink?”

Davos hands him a water skin. Aeron takes a long draft.

“Woah, slow down there.” Davos chides, “You’ll drown if you drink that fast.”

He laughs as he passes the water skin back to Davos.

“I will have you know Davos Blackwood, that I am an excellent swimmer.” Aeron boasts, “You need not worry yourself with my drowning.”

Davos smirks, “Prove it then, I’ll bet you my dagger that you can’t beat me in a race to the mill.”

“Upstream?” Aeron questions.

“What? Don’t think you can handle it, there’s barely any current.” Davos taunts.

Aeron grins, “Oh you’re on!”

They race together to the water’s edge and strip down to their undergarments. Aeron jumps in first the cool water washing over him.

“It’s freezing.” He squeals.

Davos comes in after him, “Gods! You were right it is cold.”

Aeron begins to undo his braid. He runs his fingers through his hair and moves it to the back of his head trying to tie it off. His grasp keeps slipping.

“Hey, Davos,” He asks, “Would you mind tying my hair back.”

Davos looks at him, “What, worried it will slow you down.”

“Whatever, I can beat you at any race.” Aeron snarks back.

Davos waves him off with a laugh, “Come over here I’ll fix it.”

Aeron turns his back to him. Davos brushes his fingers over Aeron’s neck and gently gathers up the hair in to one hand. He ties it off neatly.

“How’s that Aeron?” Davos asks softly.

He reaches back to feel if its secure and accidentally brushes his fingers over Davos hand. Aeron retracts his touch quickly.

“I-It-It will work fine.” He says shakily.

Aeron takes a step away from him. He turns to Davos. The lack of light makes Davos’ eyes black as pitch. Aeron can’t help but look. The way his dark curls frame his face. His lips look soft and they fit his face perfectly. Davos pauses when he catches Aeron’s look. His soft blonde hair reflecting the little moon light there is. Davos averts his gaze.

Davos breaks the silence, “Let’s get on with it, we haven’t got all night.”

Aeron comes back to reality.

“Okay on my mark,” Aeron says, “Ready, set, go!”

They cut through the water. Stoke after stroke getting closer to the windmill. The stream has little pull against them. Davos goes up for air, only to see Aeron a length ahead of him. He makes quick work of the distance between them. When Aeron surfaces, he can see the base of the mill clearly. He pushes himself harder trying to reach it. He resurfaces only to see Davos already at the mill just barely out of reach.

“I freaking did it!” Davos cheers.

Aeron swims up to him and playfully shoves him, “Alright, so you’re a better swimmer, so what.”

“So, I won! Which means…” He draws off, “I get to keep my dagger…Wait you didn’t even bet anything.”

“Well, I didn’t really have anything to bet. Besides my sword…would you perhaps want something else…” Aeron pauses.

“What about,” Davos breathes, “A kiss?”

Aeron stands shocked, “A kiss?”

“Yeah, it’s meaningful, and something you can give away.” Davos replies.

Aeron fumbles, “I mean, I guess it works…I just hadn’t thought about it.”

Davos approaches him and reaches out to pull him in. He sets his hands on Aeron’s waist. He closes his eyes. Aeron cups Davos’ face in his hands and brings him in closer. Aeron shuts his eyes and moves in pressing his lips to Davos’. He misses a little bit and only feels Davos top lip. With a small laugh Aeron works his way down till he can feel more of Davos’ mouth. He presses in and Davos parts his lips in response. He drags his tongue across Aeron’s sealed lips. Aeron pulls back flustered.

Davos flickers his eyes open, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t,” Aeron replies, “I just wasn’t expecting that.”

Davos tilts his head to the side, “You’ve never kissed anyone before?”

“Well, now I have!” Aeron pitches back, “And I don’t know what all the fuss what about!”

Davos sets his hand gently against Aeron’s burning cheek, “Close your eyes, and I’ll show you what all the fuss is about.”

“Okay, but I doubt it will change my mind.”

Aeron squeezes his eyes shut. Davos pulls him in close so that Aeron can feel his warmth. Davos gently places his lips to Aeron’s. He moves slowly. Pulling back before kissing Aeron’s jaw and then his neck before biting down gently on his collar bone. Davos comes back to Aeron’s lips and kisses them softly. Aeron parts his lip tasting Davos’ kiss. Davos pulls back.

“Does that change your mind?” Davos teases.

Aeron smiles, a bit dazed, “Something like that.”

Davos splashes him with water, “Come on sleepy head come back to the world of the living.”

“We should do this again sometime,” Aeron laughs, splashing him back.

The haul themselves out of the water to dry off. Aeron lays his head against Davos’ folded legs.

Aeron sighs, “I could do this all night.”

“Do what?” Davos asks with a half grin. “Be with you.” He replies softly.

[shitouttabuck]

playing with the hair and "you sure this is ok" sounds so soft aaaah I hope you'll find inspiration, I love your writing

got a little sappy with this <3

bed-sharing prompts: person A idly playing with person B’s hair while they’re asleep + “you sure this is okay?”

the sound of love astounds me

Eddie’s man-behind today. Bobby tries to be fair with it, not constantly relegating the probies to the job no one really wants, and today it’s Eddie’s turn again.

He’s grateful for it—he slept badly last night, and that’s probably why Bobby made him stay behind in the first place, taking pity on his dragging feet and muffled yawns not one hour into their shift.

They’re past the 18-hour mark now, late night blanketing the firehouse in a thick, heavy quiet. The rest of them have been out on a call for a while, a three-alarm factory fire at the edge of their jurisdiction. Eddie’s itchy about it, always is when it’s a more serious call and he’s not there alongside his team. Not there alongside his partner.

Buck’s a big boy, and Eddie knows, he knows him not being there isn’t going to unbalance the dynamic of their team so dramatically something goes wrong, but. He’s supposed to have Buck’s back, and as much as he trusts the rest of the 118—with his life—no one else is Buck’s partner. Not the way Eddie is.

The sound of the engine backing into the station catches his attention and he gets up from the couch, leaning over the loft railing as everyone stumbles out the rig, sooty and sleepy. Hen looks up and gives him a tired smile, Chim bumping into her shoulder as he blows Eddie a kiss before heading to the showers.

Buck’s last out the engine, exhaustion written into the slump of his body. He doesn’t look up at Eddie, seemingly lost in his own thoughts as he shuffles slowly after everyone else.

Eddie reheats dinner, serving it all up just as the rest of his team flops into chairs around the dining table. Still no Buck.

“Did you cook this?” Ravi asks, poking suspiciously at the casserole with a fork.

“I’ve made my peace with food poisoning, I’m so fucking hungry,” Chim says, mouth already full.

“Hey,” Eddie protests mildly. “I followed Bobby’s recipe exactly.”

“Really?” Bobby asks, examining his own plate in surprise. “Oh, uh, no, of course. Looks good, Eddie, thank you.” He takes a very deliberate bite, making a big show of chewing amidst noises of approval.

Eddie sighs and turns to Hen. “Where’s Buck?”

“Still showering,” she tells him. “Rough one today.”

Eddie’s heart sinks. “Did you lose someone?”

Hen shakes her head, setting down her fork. “No, no—sorry, didn’t mean it like that. He got stuck carrying two guys out on his own, though. And one of them was in pretty bad shape. Think his whole body is feeling kinda tender.”

“Oh,” Eddie blows out a relieved breath. “Okay.” He smacks Chim’s hand away from the last corner of the casserole. “That’s for Buck. You can have some more garlic bread.”

Chimney pouts at him, and Eddie ignores it in favour of covering the casserole dish and sticking it back in the oven to keep warm.

One by one, everyone wanders to the bunks, drained from the day. Eddie hangs behind, clearing up the kitchen and waiting for Buck to show up. There’s no sign of him by the time the counters are sparkling, so he flops back down on the couch with his book. If it’d been a bad call… Eddie’d like to think he knows what Buck needs, usually. And sometimes that’s just a minute to decompress by himself, washing off a weight of weariness rather than an intangible hurt.

Sure enough, he hears the quiet padding of Buck’s footsteps come up the stairs not much later. Eddie cranes his head over the back of the couch, smiling upside-down and wonky when Buck comes over.

“Hey,” he says. “You okay?”

“Mm,” Buck hums. His eyes are droopy with exhaustion, cheeks ruddy from being under the hot spray of the shower for so long.

“Dinner’s in the oven,” Eddie tells him.

Buck exhales heavily, giving him a small smile. “Not so hungry.”

“Sleep, then,” Eddie says, nodding in the direction of the bunks.

Buck grimaces. “Everything aches.”

“All the more reason to sleep,” Eddie presses.

Buck looks at him, blinking tiredly. “Okay,” he says, suddenly amenable, rounding the couch and climbing onto it. He drapes himself across it, settling on his back and shoving his head into Eddie’s lap with a contented sigh. Eddie sits frozen, book in one hand and the other hovering over Buck’s chest.

Buck cracks open one eye to look up at him consideringly. Eddie smiles down at him automatically, can’t really help himself, and gently lowers his forearm to rest across Buck’s broad chest.

“This okay?” Buck asks, slightest note of hesitancy in his voice.

“Better if you were asleep,” Eddie says, flipping the page of his book. He lets the hand curled around Buck’s torso squeeze gently, reassuringly, even as he goes back to reading.

Buck huffs an amused breath, wriggling a little as he settles more firmly in Eddie’s lap, turning his head to get comfortable. This angles his face so that it’s basically pressed into Eddie’s crotch, tip of his nose brushing the fly seam of Eddie’s pants.

Eddie swallows, positioning his book a little higher to cover any change in expression his face might betray, because—it’s Buck, and this isn’t sexual, but God, Eddie hasn’t had this kind of intimacy in his life in a while. He’s less worried about popping a boner from his best friend’s face so close to his dick and more concerned Buck’ll take one look at him and know just how badly Eddie wants him this close, all of the time.

Whatever. If everyone had a friend like Buck, everyone would be a little insane about loving him this much, too. It’s not an Eddie thing, it’s a Buck thing.

Buck’s breathing evens out, deep and steady, and Eddie reads until the words start swimming on the page. He yawns, putting the book down and wondering if he can catch some sleep like this, because he’d rather be trapped on a desert island with his parents than wake Buck up right now.

Buck’s snoring lightly, warm puffs of breath Eddie can feel even through the fabric of his pants. His hair is curling messily from his shower and—there are bits of… something in it? Eddie sighs, knowing Buck probably just zoned out under the spray for half an hour without actually scrubbing his hair at all.

He runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, dislodging flecks of indiscernible airborne debris from the fire. He cards through more purposefully, combing it out as best he can and scratching his nails gently against Buck’s scalp.

Buck murmurs, nuzzling into Eddie. The hand closest to the back of the couch scuffles along the cushion till it finds Eddie’s, wrapping around it and tugging it to his chest with such strength Eddie blinks in surprise, astonished that he’s still asleep.

Eddie goes back to sorting through Buck’s hair one-handed, discarding tiny pieces of detritus lodged in his curls. He gets a little lost in it, something calm and hypnotic about the repetitive motions: stroking, cleaning, brushing through, over and over and over.

He’s startled from it when someone clears their throat softly. He just about manages not to jerk in his surprise, and Buck remains slumbering peacefully. Hen’s standing a few feet from the couch, eyebrow cocked and mouth quirked with amusement.

“There a reason you’re grooming Buck like a monkey picking nits off her baby?” she whispers.

Eddie flushes, removing his hand from Buck’s curls. “He has a bunch of shit in his hair from the fire,” he says defensively.

Hen bites down on her smile. “Okay, okay,” she says soothingly, like she’s talking to a spooked horse. “He forget to actually wash it during the longest shower known to man?”

Eddie sighs, fingers resuming running through Buck’s hair almost unconsciously. “You know how he gets when he’s this tired.”

Hen hums, and Eddie looks up at her again. “Why’re you up? Can’t sleep?”

She shakes her head, inclining it towards the bathrooms. “Just needed the toilet.” She makes as if to head back down, then pauses, looking at him assessingly.

“What?” Eddie asks.

“Nothing,” she shakes her head again, smiling softly. “Just—I don’t think there’s anyone other than Karen and Denny whose hair I’d pick through voluntarily. And any other kids of mine, I guess. Family.” With that, she turns and disappears down the stairs.

Eddie swallows. He looks down: Buck, face pressed into Eddie’s stomach; Buck, hand clutching Eddie’s arm to his chest; Buck, curls wild and springy from where Eddie’s been running his fingers through them, cleaning him, grooming him, taking care of him. Hen’s not dropped a bomb of any sort on Eddie; Buck’s his family, he knows that, Buck knows that, he’s fairly sure anyone who’s ever met them knows that.

But he thinks yeah, there isn’t anyone other than Chris and Buck whose hair he’d pick through like this. And maybe that’s a different, more specific kind of family than he or anyone else realised. Maybe that’s a different, more specific kind of love.

Buck snuffles discontentedly in his lap and Eddie scratches his scalp soothingly, heart settling as Buck settles.

So maybe the reason Eddie wants him close all the time is slightly different to what he thought. This remains true: if everyone had a friend like Buck, everyone would be a little insane about loving him this much. That’s a Buck thing. But maybe, if he’s open to it, Eddie can make loving him this much, every day and in every way, an Eddie thing and exclusively an Eddie thing.

Buck shifts on the couch, tugging Eddie’s arm a little higher up on his chest, and Eddie splays his palm over Buck’s heart, feeling the steady thump.

When Bobby wakes them both for breakfast hours later, Eddie leans against the table to stretch the crick in his neck from sleeping sitting up. Behind him, Buck reaches a large hand out to massage the junction of his shoulder gently, and Eddie melts into his touch.

“Would you pick nits out of my hair?” he asks before his brain comes fully online.

“Sure,” Buck says, not missing a beat. “D’you have lice?” He leans forward to inspect Eddie’s hair and Eddie swats him away.

“No,” he says, slightly offended. “I do not have lice. Just—hypothetically.”

Buck yawns. “’Course, Eds,” he says. “Your lice are my lice, and all that.” He serves himself a heaping of scrambled eggs and ambles off to the kitchen to grab orange juice from the fridge.

And maybe Buck is just the kind of person who, unlike Eddie and Hen, would comb through anyone’s nasty hair. But your lice are my lice is more romantic than anything Eddie’s ever heard, even in his own wedding vows, and when Buck knocks his knee against Eddie’s under the table before stealing a bite of hash brown, Eddie thinks maybe this love between them is equally cared for, a two-way street in every sense of it, a Buck-and-Eddie thing.

(more bed-sharing prompts)

[ladykissingfish]

*Kakuzu wakes up in bed, feeling disoriented and groggy*

Kakuzu: What the — *groans and touches his forehead, where he discovers a cloth bandage* What the hell is this?

*Hidan walks into the room with a tray*

Hidan: Holy shit … you’re awake!

Kakuzu: H-Hidan? What happened? Why do I feel so strange?

Hidan: First of all, lay back down, old bastard. You ain’t been very well. You don’t remember what happened when we came back from that mission?

Kakuzu: No?

Hidan: *sets down the tray and kneels on the floor by Kakuzu’s pallet, sighing*

Hidan: We came back, and I told you that your skin was like, turning fuckin’ green. You said it was fine and that you just needed a bath. You got through the doorway, and out of no where you just passed out. Your big stupid head hit that table in the hall, that’s why you got a bandaid. Seriously ‘Kuzu you need to lose some weight, it took four of us to drag your ass in here! You —

Kakuzu: *closing his eyes* Just get to the point, brat.

Hidan: Anyways, puppet-dick looked at ya and took some blood and shit and he said you were poisoned. Probably that guy who gave us the bread when you dropped your bounty off to him. I TOLD you that fucker looked like a shitty asshole! That’s why I didn’t eat MY bread, but your cheap ass blows a fuse about “wasting food” and —

Kakuzu: Hidan.

Hidan: Right. So puppet-dick made ya some kinda antidote but he said it’d make you sleep for a while, til your body got rid of the fever or something. You been in here, being a pain in the ass, for almost a week.

Kakuzu, muttering: I’ve been out a week? Good lord … wait. These aren’t the clothes I was wearing before, right? Did you … did you change me?

Hidan, blushing and scowling: It ain’t a big deal, bastard. I’ve just been giving you little washings and I changed your dirty-ass clothes. So what?

Kakuzu: *looks at the tray and sees it contains a bowl of broth*

Kakuzu: Have … you been feeding me, as well?

Hidan:  … What? I was supposed to just let your dumbass starve to death?

Kakuzu: *is momentarily stunned silent at the implication that HIDAN has been taking care of him*

Kakuzu, managing to sit up and clearing his throat: That looks really good, and I’m hungry. My arms still feel a little weak; can you help me?

Hidan, blushing harder than ever: Y-yeah. I mean I guess since you’re old and weak I have no choice. *dishes up a spoonful of broth* Open wide, bastard.

*Hidan feeds Kakuzu quietly for a while*

Kakuzu, smiling: This is good. Konan is a fine cook.

Hidan: Tsk; I made this, asshole.

Kakuzu, surprised: You did? On your own?

Hidan: You say that like I’m stupid or something. Yeah, on my own. I made a roast and then strained it and added cream so that you could swallow. If there’s any left, when ya get better we can eat the actual meat. You —

Kakuzu: *reaches out and pulls Hidan into his arms, cradling him against his chest*

Hidan: O-Oi! Hey! Let go of me, old man!

Kakuzu: *ignores Hidan and kisses the top of his head* I love you, you insufferable brat.

Hidan: *smirks and allows himself to relax in Kakuzu’s arms* Love you too, you shitty old bastard.

Kakuzu: I’m a shitty bastard, eh? Well you know what? Your God is fake and your beliefs are garbage.

Hidan: Your money won’t last and your greed will send you to burn in hell for all eternity.

Kakuzu, pulling off Hidan’s shirt: Burn with me.

*the two start making out in-between trading more cutting insults*

Deidara, coming into the room with medicine sent from Sasori: God damn what the fuck is wrong with you two, hm?!

[jpitha]

Contests

The humans make everything a contest.

Everything.

Mal'zamar was moving down the hall towards the engine room. It was xer turn to take a shift monitoring the Flip drive for any anomalous readings. Xe had to admit the human's Flip drive was far more powerful than the limited Flashwarp that the rest of the Community used, but it was annoying that someone basically had to be watching it all the time so that it didn't "get out of line." Xe still didn't know what the humans meant when they said that, but they insisted that the drive had to be monitored at all times.

As xe passed the humans common room - every Community species had a common room set to their own environmental preferences - xe heard the commotion. Mal peeked in and saw three humans sitting at a table. All three had stripped their outer integrements off to the centers of their body, and their skin was moist from their bizzare active cooling systems. In front of each person was a small white plate, and on each plate was a single Elmar Pepper.

Mal'zamar's feathers rippled a shudder. Xe had little experience with humans before this tour and had never realized they were so... moist. Jenny from engineering noticed Mal standing at the doorway and waved. "Mal'zamar! Come in! Eva, Anya and Kellan are trying to see who can eat the spiciest food without making a face."

Mal's face feathers bristled. Xer face looked twice the size it normally did. "They're what?"

"Ever since we found out that your species consumes fruits with an analog to capsaicin, we've been excited to try them and see how spicy they are! Reg was able to pick up 4 different varieties of Elmar Peppers, and Eva, Anya, and Kellan all declared they could take the heat the most. Nobody could decide, so we're having a contest to see who can take the heat.

Mal's species is similar - though not exactly the same - as the group of animals on Earth known as Birds. Mal'zamar cannot fly, though the religious texts say at one point deep in the past they could; xe doesn't really believe that though. Xe never really followed the popular religion. One thing that is similar between Mal's species and Earth birds is the fact that neither can taste or process capsaicin - one of the things that taste 'spicy' to Humans.

The 'spice' had evolved to make the fruits unpalatable to mammals and similar creatures, so that only birds ate the fruit and spread the seeds wide. Humans decided they liked the poison and bread theirs to produce more.

With the Elmar, the fruits that had more of their analog to capsaicin had a pleasing color, so they were bred to have more of the chemical. They could taste no difference in the high capsaicin fruits compared to the low capsaicin fruits.

Jenny turned back to the group at the table. She raised her hands for silence and the entire room fell silent. "On three, each of you will take the pepper and take one bite. You will chew and swallow the bite entirely and whoever reacts, loses. If, after 2 milliunits (about half a human minute) you do not make a face, you take another bite. Whoever can eat the most without making a face wins. Are the instructions understood?"

Kellan, Anya and Eva nod silently, not looking at Jenny.

"Aaaand, Go!"

With almost religious reverence, each picks up the pepper and takes a bite. Mal'zamar notices they are quite a pleasing deep purple color. They are a recent cultivar and quite popular among the Elmar lately. Xe imagines that means they must contain quite a lot of capsaicin.

One milliunit after the first bite, Kellan breaks. His face contorts into a horrified grimace, as if only now he realizes what he has done. He slaps the table once, and jumps up, running to a glass containing a white liquid on a rear table. There are jeers and laughs from the watchers.

Mal is invested now. Xer shift forgotten, Xe watches the contest. Eva and Anya lock eyes, staring at each other. They chew and swallow without flinching. Methodically, they pick up the pepper and take another bite, and another, and another. Mal can see that Eva's active cooling is working harder than Anyas, but Anya's face is more flushed.

Finally, there is one bite of pepper left. As they reach for it, Anya's hands tremble, but her face remains placid. Eva picks it up and pops the rest into her mouth, chewing and swallowing. Anya puts it to her lips and shakes her head. She puts it down and gets up to get the drink from the rear table. "Okay, you win Eva, that's too spicy for me. It has a really nice flavor though. Fruity with a heat the builds and builds. We should try and make some chili with it."

Grinning widely, Eva gets up and gets her drink as well. "Making chili with those would be a waste. Those should be in a curry."

Mal'zamar notices there are still some peppers left on the table. "Can, I have one?" Xe looks at Jenny.

"Sure, but we have to warn you they're pretty-" Before she can finish Mal takes one and pops it into xer mouth, whole. Chewing thoughtfully she looks at Eva and xer feathers ripple satisfaction. "These are quite nice. Did you buy any more? I could make you pepper sauté, like the Elmar do."

Eva and Anya perk up at the mention. "We'd love that Mal! We could have a rematch!"

[yestrday]

Is it just me tired off the old tropes that the Yandere put aphrodisiacs in their darling drink or that they kidnap their darling. What if their darling kidnapped the Yandere -to sell them or something- or think that the Yandere put poison in their drink so swapped the cups, that would make a interesting story in my opinion

honestly i wanna make a second version of this where the reader k/dnaps childe but hes like jokes on you im into that shit and hes just v nasty and dirty all in all

cw: spiked drinks, creepy childe, kinda lackluster writing i just wanted to finish something

clad in thin pajamas and hair still dripping wet from the shower, you stare up nervously at your handsome neighbor that's leaning on your doorfraame. ajax looms and casts a shadow over you against the city lights, despite the affable grin he's wearing.

"d-drinks?" you stammer. "at... at this hour?"

he shrugs. "i received an exquisite bottle of wine at work today and i'd feel like it'd be a shame if i wasted it all on myself." he bends down, peering at you through darkened slits. "come on, please?" he pouts. "i'd love to get to know such a lovely neighbor."

you blush at the unwarranted compliment and gently try to push his face away from yours. you avoid his eye contact and fidget with your sleeves. "fine... but i won't stay for long. i still have work tomorrow."

he leaps up, excitement shining in his blue eyes. he looks genuinely excited to have you over as he escorts you into his apartment, but the moment you step on the carpeted flooring, something inside you worsens.

...what a lie. childe chuckles to himself.

he lingers behind you for a little longer, eyeing the curves on your body and letting himself appreciate such a cute and vulnerable sight for a little longer. you're so cute, knowingly stepping into a trap but ever too polite to turn down a friendly offer. he slams the door shut and finally seals your fate in place.

it's not wine he received from work this morning. he picks up a fine substance encased in a crystal jar and grins.

"i'll prepare the drinks!" he calls out. you marvel at your surroundings a bit, every corner cleaned spotless. he's so cool and responsible, having a high-end stable job while still maintaining such a well-kept place. you blush when you recall your own dirty room and your embarassing state right now. you nervously peek at ajax and sigh. he looks so confident and maintained, a far cry from everything that you are.

unknown to you, childe is barely keeping himself together at the seams. he's leaning on the countertop for support as he tries to pour the wine, though his hands are shaking from too much excitement. heavy gasps come from him as he thinks of the events that may transpire after he's done feeding this to you, and the images running wild through his mind grows the red blush on his.

oh... oh...! the things you two would do together tonight! he can envision it now-- your bodies grinding against each other, lips covered in spit as you both cling to each other in desperation... oh! it gives him shudders just thinking about it! 

in the midst of his excitement he pours too much of the drug, but oh well! it wouldn’t be so bad to see you shivering and panting on the floor. lightly giggling to himself, he mixes the wine and it dissolves into the liquid. nothing out of place.

you brighten up when he returns with a tray of drinks and some light snacks to go along with it. gosh, you’re salivating at the sight of those onion rings. you don’t notice the eager way he glances at you. you’re so innocent, unknowing of the drugs he just slipped into your drink. it’d make him feel bad if he didn’t spend so much time preparing for this ever since you moved in next door.

“the snacks look so good!” you cheer, eagerly picking out a large ring and chomping on it. ... gosh, since when did you eat food this good? all you’ve been doing is eating instant noodles and cold bread. as you munch down, ajax rests his head on his hand and looks on fondly. cute. like a starving squirrel.

he watches as your tongue darts out to lick at your lips, teasing him with that seductive pink thing. at the back of his head he knows that you’re just licking off the crumbs, but his mind spirals into the abyss. to have your cute mouth on him... all pretty and seductive... to...!

ah, shit, there’s a problem.

you startle when ajax immediately stands up without touching any of the food. there is a clear blush on his face as he squirms, before he flashes you an apologetic grin. “sorry, [your name]. it’s hot, isn’t it?” you want to say it isn’t but he cuts you off. “i’ll take care of the heater, so just wait for me here, alright?” then he dashes off to what you know is the bathroom, but he slams the door shut and doesn’t let you comment on it.

pretty rude, if you say so, but hey, more food for you.

you take two or more onion rings before finally side-eyeing the wine. you aren’t really looking to get drunk, but... ajax did say it was some fancy wine. who knows when a broke corporate slave like you would get to taste something like this again. as you pick up the cup in front of you and swirl it around you notice something different. squinting, you stare at the red liquid and look back at ajax’s wine at the other end of the table. furrowing your brows, you put the two cups side by side in order to properly compare them, and your discovery made you scowl.

how rude. why did he give you the one with less wine in it? huffing, you switch the cups and take a swig. mmm, good shit.

ajax comes back in a minute or two. he looks red and flushed, and you make a comment on it, but he waves off the sentiment with an awkward laugh. he enjoys his own glass of wine too, and you spend the rest of the night making coversation and laughing at his dumb jokes.

the night feels so short, especially with how much of a fun time you were having. but you still have a 9 to 5 shift tomorrow and the heat of the wine is getting to you... now would be the time to say goodbye.

“i’m sorry, ajax, but i’ve gotta go.” you do feel reluctant, but you need too work. “i had fun though! maybe next time i’ll be the one to invite you o...ver...?” your host isn’t responding, only dark huffs as he clutches his chest. though the bangs of his hair shadow his eyes, it’s clear that he’s not in a good state. you rush over to him. “ajax? ajax, are you okay?”

he grips your arms and you yelp. “the wine...” he mutters. “you knew, didn’t you? the wine... you switched it, huh?”

what, that he gave you the smaller one? was it something to get mad about? tilting your head in confusion, you stare at the man with concern. hopefully he’s not going to brawl with you over switched cups, right?

“hehe.... haha...” he tilts his head back and cackles. mmm, no, this dude is not in his right mind. you stumble back, fright overtaking concern as you watch his shoulders shake with every laugh. “i’ve been hiding it all night, but gosh, you’re so smart, aren’t you?” 

swaying and stumbling, he creeps towards you, looking at you with unbridled lust. the swirls in his dark blue eyes convey his lust, glowing with predatory and lovesick lewdity. “making me drink the spiked drink... when i realized it, i just felt so excited...! you wanted to do things to me, didn’t you? you wanted me to be at the receiving end of your mercy!”

yikes, delusional bitch up here. still, you back away from the madman as much as you can, until you back up against the wall. fuck. “ajax, i have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“well, you have to!” the wall behind you seems to crack as he slams his hand on it. “you’ve made me like this!! you got to... you have to ease it somehow.” 

taking the strands of your hair in his palm, he kisses them gently, though the way he looks up at you makes you shiver with fright. his lips trail from your collarbone and he makes his way downward, his large calloused hands feeling your waist and back as he lifts your shirt up and flutters more kisses,

his fingers loop around your waistband, and he grins up at you. on his knees, he gets ready to worship.

“[your name].... i’ll finally make all my fantasies with you come true ♡”

[asimpwithfreetime]

So what if you made Jake, Neytiri, Lo ‘ak, Tsireya, Spider, Kiri, Tonowari, Tuk, and Aonug try human food?

When I read this I said: I NEED to do this request. So here I go.

Quick note: this is the longest headcanon post I have ever made, it took me three days to write it and the worst part is that I am not even exhausted, I am a fanfic-writer-monster that feeds off of y’all energy 🤠

Avatar characters trying human food

Jake Sully

He had tried human food in his human form, but he never had tried it in his avatar. And obviously Norm hadn’t told him that human food doesn’t taste the same and it affects differently to Na’vi. Sometimes it doesn’t have an effect, other times they throw up or worse.

He tried a sandwich for the first time, a simple ham, mayonnaise and cheese sandwich. When he first tasted it, he didn’t think it was the same taste he remembers.

Luckily, this sandwich didn’t make him throw up or have diarrhea or anything. But the taste is something he won’t forget. It felt so different that he almost shed a tear thinking that he would never eat anything human with the same taste again.

He is obviously the one that introduces human foods, or ideas of cooking to the Omatikaya, not in a offensive or forceful way. He just shows them the things he did, some people find it funny, others interesting and also some want to try it.

Neytiri

At first, she doesn’t like the idea and eyes Jake carefully. She isn’t fond of humans and she doesn’t want to try their food. What if it’s poisonous?

After Jake insists, she tries a cheeseburger. She forces Jake to explain the whole process of how it is made, that way she will decide if she is going to bite into it.

After Jake has explained the bread with its sesame seeds, the burger and the cheese, Neytiri feels pleased enough to eat it. She doesn’t like where cheese comes from.

Anyways, she gives the smallest bite she can muster, even though it is halfway down the cheeseburger since it is to a human scale. She things the flavor is odd and may gag a little bit, but she doesn’t hate it so much.

Lo’ak

Lo’ak is quite eager to try human food. He wants to see the good part of sky people, just like his father was once. Maybe, subconsciously, he wants to be like him. Following his footsteps.

He would try some spaghetti, easy recipe that Jake could follow on a human-sized kitchen without making the biggest mess to ever exists. With the help of Norm and other scientists, the spaghetti bowl is ready to be eaten.

Lo’ak doesn’t wait for it to cook down, nor he is interested in what has been used to make it. He burns his mouth, cursing under his breath as he takes a sip of his drink. “Darn thing!” He says.

Once it has cool down a little bit, he will try to take the spaghetti with his hand and he begins eating. It might be one of the flavors that gets better and not worse. He continues eating, not seeing the huge mess he is making.

Tsireya

She finds human food quite funny and as Lo’ak asks her to try it, she is curious about how it will taste. She is never the one to pass on an opportunity to try new things.

They made her try something sweet, just like her. She tried pancakes. She though the idea of a dough so soft was cute. She toyed the pancakes with a fork, mixing up the chocolate syrup and the whipped cream.

Once it is time to eat it, she takes a spoonful in her mouth, eager to taste something that smelt so good. To her luck, the taste is almost she same. Not used to such a sugary treat, she is a little bit overwhelmed but so much sugar.

But after all, she finds it tasty, but she doesn’t like how sweet it is. She thinks it way to sweet. (Don’t throw the pancakes away, she will munch on them even after saying so).

Spider

He is human, so he has tried tons of human foods. So this time he will try something new, ramen. It took Norm ages to make it, but there it was. And it smelt perfectly.

Spider isn’t really up for the idea, he has grown used to Na’vi flavors more than human now. When he first tries it he doesn’t like it. He also doesn’t know how to eat ramen properly and his noodles splash all the time against the soup, making a huge mess around him.

He isn’t happy about it, he knows it tastes delicious but he isn’t happy with the way he is making a mess. He feels a little bit ashamed and pretends like he doesn’t like the food so he can get up, clean it and nobody can see it.

He has a secret stash of pre-cooked ramen just to try it again.

Kiri

Kiri is the one to try all kinds of new things and food is one of them. As she saw Spider eating ramen, she wanted to try it too.

The smell made her smile sweetly and she tasted it with a soft smile on her face. Sadly the mixture of textures and flavors wasn’t something that Na’vi took well. She threw up.

She knew it was delicious and she was willing to try more “simple” foods and not ones that mixed so many flavors at the same time.

She was sad that she could try complex foods, but she isn’t going to give up in her journey of trying.

Tonowari

He isn’t a big fan of sky people or their food, but he is a mighty warrior that doesn’t say no to a challenge, specially when the former Toruk Makto challenges him personally.

Deep down, Tonowari is excited to try fried chicken, whatever could that be. The smell doesn’t actually appeal to him, making him gag and furrow his brows.

The fried chicken piece looks like a toy on Tonowari’s hand, so small that he eats it all in one bite. At first he is overwhelmed with the taste and gets close to throwing up, the oily sensation on his tongue almost unbearable.

But then he started chewing, taking his time to taste it and when he shallows he is smiling. He likes it, it is a little bit to oily to be considered one of his favorites but he does like it.

Tuk

Tuk saw Kiri try sky people food and she is interested in trying some. Norm though of an age appropriate dish to make her and he made dinosaur nuggets for her. Or as he said “this nutritious dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets”.

She was happy, playing around with her food a little bit before taking the first bite. She liked it, biting off the stegosaurus head and then whaling about biting off his head. She was sad about the poor dinosaur she just ate.

Ketchup was a sauce she wanted to try dipping her nuggets in, she didn’t like the taste nor the way that her nuggets looked like they were injured.

She is willing to try new foods but she doesn’t want to torture more dino nuggies.

Ao’nung

He HATES human food from the start. Won’t eat it, won’t smell it and won’t look that way. But oh…. Lo’ak called him a coward. Nobody calls Ao’nung a coward.

With his pride hurt, he makes the attempt to eat some sky people’s food. He is trying some grilled pork with fries and he absolutely devours it. He loves it. But as soon as Lo’ak looks at him he pretends to be gaging.

He is going to try so many more flavors. Until he finds those foods that don’t sit right with Na’vi and he ends up throwing up. Then he’ll stop.

Never trying it again ig. Well, maybe, just maybe, he’ll sneak around with Tuk to get more food. Just maybe.

Avatar Taglist: @amerieee @simp-erformarvelwomen

[enqmind]

Fic!

This is what happens when you've recently read baby trapping fics and then have a conversation about what foods you can't eat around taking certain medications.

Soap/Female Reader WC: 1.4k 18+ content.

Warnings: Baby trapping, manipulation, tampering with contraceptives, tampering with food, technically poisoning, misuse of a dietary supplement. Noncon, despite containing no actual sex (because baby trapping).

Reader notes: Implied to dislike marmite, probably isn't Scottish, dislikes masks (not a covid denier. they just make her uncomfortable).

Gothmet

 Johnny has been cooking a lot lately.

 “Trying to take after your compatriot?”

 He’d laughed at that.

 “I think you’ll find I don’t hit my Boiling Point quite so fast, love.”

 You suspected he’d last five minutes in food service, since you’re not actually allowed to explode the sous chef.

 But as a home cook? Oh, he was passable.

 His latest creation was squid ink ravioli filled with an avant garde bacon and nigella seed concoction.

 It was interesting, but good was a different question.

 “Do you like it?” He asked, puppy dog enthusiasm radiating off of him in waves.

 “… I don’t know,” you confessed. “It’s certainly interesting, but I’m not sure one way or the other.”

 You half expected his face to fall, but instead he looked thoughtful as he took a considered bite.

 “Aye, I see what you mean. This’ll take some workshopping. You willing to be my taste tester?” 

 You grinned at him over your wine.

 “It would be my pleasure.”

 “And that is my top priority, after all.”

 He didn’t seem discouraged by the half hearted kick under the table, especially if his enthusiasm for ‘dessert’ was considered.

 His new culinary interest expanded to baking.

 The next day he presented you with a zebra cake with the highest contrast you’d ever seen. The chocolate stripes were almost jet black.

 “I got some o’  that ultra Dutch processed cocoa to try making my own oreos. Ordered one of them special biscuit cutters too, but it hasn’t arrived yet. So I decided to make a very accurate zebra cake.”

 “You ordered one for bourbons too, right?”

 “What do you take me for, hen? Some kind of godless heathen?”

 You raised your hands placatingly.

 “Just making sure, Johnno. Gotta check to see if you’ve been replaced by a sexy doppelganger every now and then.”

 He squinted at you.

 “Yeah, well. You’ll get your bourbons. With bourbon cream, mind.”

 “Always trying to ply me with something, aren’t you?”

 He looked scandalised when you laughed.

 Within the week he had those biscuits ready for you. True to his word the bourbons had bourbon cream and the orefauxs (as he called them) had Baileys cream. Both were as black as the devil’s bottom.

 “I might need a new wardrobe soon if you keep this up,” you joked between mouthfuls.

 “Ah, I’ll just help you work it off. Or just buy you a new one.”

 The look you gave him might not have been as withering as you’d hoped, but he seemed to get the message.

 “I’ll try to bake you something healthier next time.”

 Something healthier meant a coal black loaf of bread.

 “It’s a black bread,” he said cheerily, “it’s got rye in it. Thought might as well go the whole hog and added some activated charcoal to make it as black as you like your coffee.”

 It was with a heavy sigh that you turned your eyes to him.

 “I can’t eat this.”

 His face did fall this time.

 “Oh. You allergic to rye? Or are you afraid I’ve slipped some marmite in?”

 “My marmite take is neither here nor there. The problem is that I’m on the pill and activated charcoal can make it not work.”

 “Oh, shit.”

 He looked so crestfallen that you felt even worse.

 “Sorry.”

 “No, no. It’s my fault. Shoulda considered that.”

 You tore off a chunk and slathered it with butter, just to see him light up a little.

 “Well, I guess half a loaf over a couple days can’t hurt too much.”

 His grin was blinding.

 “Ah, but what am I gonna do with all this spare activated charcoal? I cannae eat it all meself.”

 You gave him a grin of your own.

 “Could live up to your callsign and use it to make soap. Good for the skin and all that.”

 “Ah,” he said sagely. “So that’s why they kept showing me that melt and pour stuff. I was starting to think I’d have to assassinate Bezos for knowing too much. How’d he even find out?”

 You chuckle as you eat your chunk of bread.

 “It’s really good,” you mumbled, delight rendering you mannerless.

 Johnny puffed up with pride.

 “I’ll try a different colourant next time. Still got that squid ink, after all.”

 “How is recipe development, by the way?”

 “Can’t complain. I’ll have another plate for you in a couple o’ days.”

 “I look forward to it!”

 In the meantime you were working your way through the biscuits, cake and that half a loaf.

 The second round of ravioli was divine. Exactly what was different was a question, but if Johnny was going to continue to be a magician in the kitchen then he was allowed a few secrets.

 He joked that this was the way to your heart, and he wasn’t far wrong. There was something about a handsome and rugged man cooking for you that was so very seductive. So less ‘way to your heart’ and ‘way into your knickers’.

 His culinary adventures continued with a squid ink version of the bread (still delicious, barely tasted different) and so much chocolatey goodness.

 Despite previously thinking such things impossible, you liked chocolate as much as the next woman, it was getting more than a bit much.

 “Don’t worry. I’ll take a break on the old chocolate,” he reassured you over some jjajangmyeon. “I’ve got a few more ideas up my sleeve.”

 He bought you a pie.

 It was rectangular, but certainly a pie.

 “I thought you said you made buns?”

 “I did hen, a bun at least. This is a black bun, it’s traditional around Hogmanay.”

 When he cut it open you could see why it was called that.

 The filling was dark as a moonless night and chock full of dried fruit.

 Granted, you were a bit leery, but you gave it a shot and were pleasantly surprised.

 “This is good. Remind me to come ‘round yours for New Year’s.”

 “It’ll be an invitation, not a reminder, lass.”

 You grinned, even with currents stuck in your teeth.

 The next thing he bought you was fudge.

 You were more dubious about this one than the pie.

 “Why is it black?”

 “It’s liquorice flavoured. Me mam asked me to make some, thought I’d let you try it too.”

 Maybe you could deal with the dried fruit, but the liquorice was a bit much. All sorts were one thing, but this flavour and this texture? It was weird and gritty and didn’t go. No thank you.

 “Well, you win some you lose some,” he grinned, “they can’t all be winners.”

 The liquorice might not have been, but the black sesame seed mochi certainly was.

 “It’s good in a porridge too, they use rice starch to thicken it.”

 You raised an eyebrow at him.

 “Porridge without oats? Do your countrymen know you’re speaking such blasphemy?”

 “Aye, aye. Fair point. You keep this schtumm and I'll work on some fusion cuisine so they don’t burn me in Parliament square.”

 It took a few days, but the proper black sesame seed porridge was welcome. You’d been feeling a little under the weather lately.

 “So what do we call this? Scorean? Kortish?”

 “Please stop.”

 “You’re no fun.”

 Johnny pouted.

 “Oh right. Before I forget; what happened to that soap making? Or am I just not getting any?” It was your turn to pout.

 “Ah, I decided to go cold process. So it’ll be ready when I get back from deployment.”

 You nodded.

 “Do you want me to bring some down when I come pick you up so we can throw it at Simon? ‘Cause he’s gonna need it with that fucking mask he’s always wearing.”

 Johnny’s eyebrow’s rose.

 “I still don’t get why you hate it so much.”

 “I swear he’s making faces at me under that thing.”

 “Really?” He asked dubiously.

 “I just don’t like it. He gives me a weird vibe.”

 Johnny looked affronted.

 “Hey-“

 “Because of the mask. Hated it during the pandemic, too. I’d last three minutes in Japan in the winter.”

 “I’ll take you in the summer then,” he smiled softly, placated.

 You rolled your eyes affectionately.

 “I’ll hold you to that.”

 As ever, it was with a heavy heart that you saw him off the next day.

 He did leave you with some treats to tide you over. Another black bun, some biscuits (chocolate was back on the menu) and a box of lovely dark parkin. Altogether, it should last most of the time he was away.

 It didn’t.

 You stress ate most of it when you found out you were pregnant.

[dollfaceksj]

oh godddd #13 was so good!!! dinner is gonna be so awkward between koo and oc 😭 or theyre gonna be giggling abt it

guess u should read this to find out!

i didn’t have the time to betaread and add more inner dialogue and stuff so sorry if its not like the others

taste of a poison paradise | jjk (m) #14

masterlist

<- previous ; next ->

did he really just

exit the tent ? with a TENT in his PANTS?

oh he gives no fucks?

wait why are you even worried about him?

YOU NEED TO GET OUT THERE TOO

They’re gonna come looking for you

you quickly adjust your clothes and crawl out of the tent a few moments after jungkook

you use your phone to check what you look like, fixing any out of place hairs and wiping the tears off your cheeks

the stickiness in your leggings is impossible to ignore but whatever right?

you slowly make your way to the table

yoongi’s waving at you

right

yoongi

YOONGI

you stupid slut

how could you?

you go to sit down next to him, smiling at the fact he once again saved you a spot <3

but this time jungkook isn’t across from you

:)

he’s

right next to you :)

so yoongi to your right… jungkook to your left

wow

this is uhhhh

gonna be fun.

😂😂😂😂😂

don’t laugh.

“i was looking for you but you disappeared for a while.” the older man leans into your side to whisper into your ear

you glance at him. “sorry, yoongi. i thought i’d lost my powerbank, i kept searching for it in my suitcase.”

that lie left your mouth too easily you dirty liar

he nods in understanding. “did you end up finding it?”

you nod your head.

“bummer.”

you frown as the word leaves his mouth. “why is that a bad thing?”

“cause it would’ve given me the chance to invite you into my tent and offer it to you so you can use it.”

fuck ur gonna fucking melt

he’s so

YOOONGIIIIII

holy shit

yeah.

“oh, did i mention when i found it again, it was broken? i might have to take you up on that offer anyway,” you say as you nudge him with your elbow

he laughs and shakes his head, gently swatting your elbow away

he ends up wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pulling you in close, whispering, “don’t start something you can’t finish, y/n.”

your cheeks instantly heat up as his breath hits your ear

he’s so close

you slap his thigh. “how do you know i won’t finish it?”

he lowly chuckles and gosh the sound is so sultry. “i’m not sayin–”

your body suddenly gets pulled out of his enbrace

“can you pass me the napkins?”

you frown.

did jungkook just

forcefully tug you out of yoongi’s embrace?

to ask for napkins??

you turn your head to stare at him in disbelief but yoongi is already handing the napkins to jungkook

for fucks sake

if anyone’s gonna make it obvious it’s that little shit

see what you said??? childish!!!

jungkook quietly thanks yoongi and continues to eat without even so much as glance at you

dumbass.

did he really come sit at the table with a hard-on?

you bring your attention back to your plate of food and start eating, listening to the crazy stories taehyung is telling everyone

“you’re gonna go to the store with jungkook cause we don’t have any paper plates or bread for breakfast tomorrow.” taehyung pulled you to the side to say this

you click your tongue in annoyance. “why do i have to go with jungkook? why can’t you?”

“cause i’m not the one refusing to talk to him.”

you screech, “i talk to him!”

“with all that attitude!” he retorts, “listen, just go easy on him, alright? i know what i said about him but he’s still a sensitive guy, you know? he’s not all that bad, or else he wouldn’t be my friend. you know that.”

he continues, “i just regret giving you this wrong impression of him. he’s been through a lot, i just didn’t want any drama between you two but that clearly backfired.” he sighs. “just… give the guy a chance to show you his true colors. he’s not a bad guy.”

been through a lot?

that reminds you

of the moment in his tent when he showed you his tattoos

and completely shut you out when you asked about his mother’s opinion on his tattoos

what happened to her?

“what do you mean he’s been through a lot?”

he looks around to make sure no one’s listening. “i’ll tell you a bit more about it after you’ve returned. now, chop chop. go before that store closes.”

ughhh

when you start heading toward where the car is parked

jungkook is already leaning against the hood of the car, seemingly waiting for you

you approach him and enter via the passenger seat without another glance at him

he gets in too and buckles his seatbelt

so do you

and he starts driving off

he doesn’t even look up any way to reach the store

does he remember how to get there?

that’s pretty hot.

the ride is silent and the boner in his pants is hard to ignore so you make sure to constantly stare out the window

it’s quiet

uncomfortably quiet

“what would you have done if isabella caught us?” you break the silence

you see him glancing at you in your peripheral vision but you refuse to look at him

he shrugs his shoulders. “it’s not any of her business.”

your head snaps in his direction. “you don’t think you owe an explanation to the people you’re sleeping with?”

he clicks his tongue. “who said i’m sleeping with her?”

you frown. “stop being vague. are you fucking her or not?”

“why do you care?” he quips

“i don’t, i’m just–”

he shrugs his shoulders. “are you fucking yoongi?”

what???

“what?”

“are you fucking yoongi, yes or no?” his hand slides over the steering wheel so effortlessly and it’s so fucking hot

“why does that matter?” you try to backtrack

“it doesn’t, that’s my point.”

damn

he kinda gagged you😭

you cross your arms over your chest and look out the window again. “well, y’all are overly friendly, i thought maybe you were still sleeping with her.”

he shrugs his shoulders again.“does it matter to you who i’m sleeping with?”

you say, “no, it doesn’t.”

yes, it does

“then why do you ask?”

you sigh and glance at him again. “if i say yes, would you honestly answer me?”

“yes, i would.”

you decide not to go in on it any further.

the rest of the ride there is quiet

when you arrive, you both get out but instantly notice the swarm of men by the entrance

jungkook instinctively places his hand on your lower back as he leads you inside the store

the men stare at you like you’re a fucking peace of meat and it’s sickening

you go look for paper plates but jungkook doesn’t want to leave your side

“if you go look for the bread, we can be out of here faster.” you hum as you look around

he scoffs. “you’re fucking ill if you think i’m leaving you unattended like last time.”

oh?

you didn’t know that whole thing still bothered him

you don’t say anything else about it as you look for what you came for, jungkook constantly in your wake as he intently looks around the store

you sigh. “you’re not my bodyguard, you know.”

“you’re my responsibility.”

huh?

no literally what?

you frown. “me? a grown woman? a woman older than you? your responsibility?”

you hate that they act like you’re not an adult

it’s starting to piss you off

“it’s not about who’s older or not, y/n. it’s about the fact that i need to be able to protect you.”

you fully turn your body to him to dace him. “i don’t fucking need protection.”

he stops scanning the store and he looks down at you. “i’m not saying you need protection, i’m saying your friends sent you with me to an unknown area because they trust me to protect you if something were to happen.”

you glare at him and fight the urge to roll your eyes. “how about you be responsible and take care of your erection that’s been hard for an hour?”

he scoffs. “you thinkin’ about my dick?”

“you’ve been brushing it against my ass for the past three minutes, so yes, i am.” you roll your eyes as you turn your back to him again and continue to search for what you came for

he glances down at his pants for a second before letting his eyes roam around the store. “sorry, i’m not trying to do anything weird to you but i just want to stay close to you because of those weirdos, alright?” he angles his hips away from you

you know he’s not doing it on purpose but damn

a few of the men outside have entered the store and you can’t say you don’t notice them staring

you continue to search but jungkook has seemingly gotten even closer to you, both hands on your waist from behind as he continues to guard your back and rear

😒

like…

annoying as fuck!!

girl you know damn well you’re liking that shit

ANYWAYS!!!

you finally have what you need

so you head toward the counter but jungkook already has his card pulled out and presses into the payment terminal

you know… you never noticed until now but

it seems like he’s got quite a bit of money but how? he’s still a student and as far as you know, he doesn’t have a part time job

his part time job is eating pussy apparently

jungkook leads you out the store with the bag in his hand, arm still wrapped around your waist as you walk with him to the car

the other men are still staring at you, even watching as you enter the car

jungkook stands outside your door as you get in before slamming it shut and jogging around the front of the car to get in the driver’s seat

“y/n,” he says

you hum in response and turn your head to look at him

but before you know it, his hand is cupping your cheek and he gently presses his lips to yours

oh

wait

he’s kissing you

you pull away after a few seconds. “what are you doing?”

“sorry for doing that without your permission but at least now they’re not staring anymore,” he buckles his seatbelt and starts the car with an air of nonchalance

you glance at the men and it’s true, they aren’t

so, he kissed you to get the men to stop staring

not because he wanted to kiss you

that’s good

it’d be weird if he wanted to kiss you!!

right?

jungkook starts driving out of the parking lot and back on the road

it’s quiet

music in the background

but the tension is directly speaking to you

your eyes slowly trail to his sweatpants and his bulge is actively staring back at you

damn

should you reciprocate?

he hasn’t mentioned it at all

like he doesn’t expect you to reciprocate

and he didn’t fingerfuck you in his tent just to get a favor back

but

you

really want to

“pull over.”

he glances at you and then frowns at the road. “what?”

“i said pull over.”

concern flickers on his face. “are you feeling sick or something? do you need to throw up? cause i have a weak stomach, i’ll throw up too–”

“just pull over, for fuck’s sake.”

he ends up listening to you, pulling over on this dark empty road is kinda scary

you unbuckle your seatbelt and reach over his lap, pressing the button next to him that locks all the doors

“what are you doing?” he asks, utterly confused

you look into his confused eyes for a moment

“let me make you feel good.” you use the same words he did to you so he gets the memo

he blinks at you a few times until realization sets on his face. “you know you don’t have to do that, right?”

“i know i don’t, you freak.” you get on your knees on the passenger seat and slowly bend forwards, face closing in on his as you flash him your siren eyes. “i want to.”

he stares at you dumbfounded for a few seconds, eyes occasionally dropping to your lips

“shit, fuck, okay,” he breathes out as he tucks his fingers around the hem of his sweats and lifts his hips off the seat to drag his sweats down

you glance at his calvin klein boxers

again

is he rich or something???

something isn’t adding up

your mouth already starts salivating

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

“hey,” he says, pulling you out of your trance

your eyes travel back up to meet his

“you don’t have to do this, okay?”

“and let you have all the fun?” a smirk tugs on the corners of your lips as you reach for the hem of his boxers.

he echoes, “all the fun?”

“hmm, you’re so sure i’ll be wrapped around your finger. it’s your fault i’m determined to watch you break under me too.”

ah

he chuckles quietly, chest puffing. “okay, then, y/n. challenge accepted.”

to be continued

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