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cookinguptales · 2 years

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I honestly think there are so many funnier plots they could have followed in Freddie that don’t have such disturbing implications — with the same outcome, Freddie leaving, which is where I always thought this episode would lead anyway! I’m upset about the wasted potential, devastated by what happened to Marwa, and disappointed by the fact that the writers seem to have sought out the most unpredictable, batshit storyline for shock value and, I presume, because they thought it would be funny (it largely doesn’t seem to have been received that way).

I personally would have liked to see Freddie as an ensemble episode like Gail was, as I think that would have enhanced the humour of another human entering the household — because yes, Guillermo is usually our human “in”, but he’s far from normal. In fact, he’s as weird and unhinged as the vampires, more so sometimes, which would have been hilarious to see in juxtaposition to Freddie’s brand of blandness and normality. And I also think it would have worked better for Guillermo’s relationship with Freddie to fall apart because of Guillermo’s pre-established character traits — his lying and manipulating, pettiness, and devotion to the vampires. Of course Nandor would have played a part, but didn’t the writers tease this season’s (now seemingly incoherent) arc for Guillermo as him having to choose between worlds after gaining some emotional distance in London? Where was that in Freddie, which would have been the perfect opportunity to explain how Guillermo actually spent the year?

And I mean, it would be hilarious for Freddie to meet Baby Colin Robinson one day, and then to bump into him the next day only to find he’s transformed into an adolescent overnight. They could have kept that plot point, and the humour of Guillermo and the vampires trying to explain that to Freddie would, to me, have been classic WWDITS from earlier seasons.

Sorry for this very long ask, and thank you for reading this far if you get here! I’m very much struggling to make sense of this episode, but your takes on it have been helpful so far. I hope you’re doing okay too, it’s never fun when a show you love messes up 💜

It's a long ask, but a welcome one! I do agree with pretty much everything here. This is really kind of where I thought they were going with the season, finally having Freddie show up and Guillermo being unable to keep up the charade, sort of like with what happened with his family. I thought it would be Guillermo's issues that would cause the problem here, not this hellscape of a storyline. That would've felt more organic and, like you said, honestly funnier.

Freddie was so bland (and I say this as a former anth/arch major) and that made Nandor and Guillermo falling for him for any reason other than transference and desperation respectively hard to swallow. But that blandness would have been excellent if he'd been there to show how unhinged Guillermo really is. If either Guillermo's real life (and his tendency to lie) had turned Freddie off or if Guillermo had been forced to choose between a life that's normal, if pablum, and the vampiric life he'd come to love... I think both of those would have been very natural and organic outcomes.

I can think of so many ways to scare Freddie off that would have been hilarious! Or exciting! Or at least interesting! If they really wanted to push the friction between Guillermo and Nandor, there are even so many ways to scare him off that Guillermo could have blamed Nandor for!

It could have been so good, and again, I really do wonder if there were Djinn-related late-stage rewrites for the show. I don't mean this as an excuse; I actually think it's pretty dumb if they did. I just can't get my head around how this episode even came to exist. I feel like my brain shies away from it every time I try to incorporate it into the existing lore, and I may just have to... idk... do my best to ignore it going forward...? Write a lot of fix-it fic? Fuck.

It's wild because I was talking to my parents and my dad specifically said that it felt like they were going for shock value over characterization, and my mom said that it was "a huge disconnect". I was surprised that even non-fandom people were saying that. In my mom's words, "dad and I were legit depressed by this episode." So idk, I really don't think this is gonna be received well by the wider audience.

All this is kind of what I was getting at with my vaguing yesterday... I think I'm most bummed about all the missed potential and the way that this retrospectively makes a lot of storylines just kind of dumb and weird and half-baked. It really felt like they were building to some things that just never coalesced. But if you don't use all those bricks to make a house, you just have a pile of dirty ol bricks. lmao. It's wild that this episode was so bad that it retroactively made the rest of the episodes worse.

God, I just can't get my head around how this episode happened. I was never expecting, like, some prestige drama level of character building but I was expecting more than this. Because damn, this show rarely misses! This was less a miss than a fucking bomb going off, though.

It definitely is a struggle when your favorite show does something fuckin dumb like this. It's hard to figure out where exactly to go from here other than just like... fully ignoring parts of canon. And I've never had to do that with WWDITS. I never thought I'd have to. I'm really pretty sad about that.

#replies #wwdits tag #wwdits s4 spoilers

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tinylilvalery · 2 years

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Okay I finally watched the S4 finale of WWDITS.

- I WAS FUCKING RIGHT ABOUT THE DAMN WALL IN COLIN'S ROOM.

- COLIN IS BACK THANK FUCK. I was actually beginning to lose hope and literally thought the writers were too dumb to do this but thankfully not. I'm so happy about this now. Rip to all the mfs that are making posts about how sad they are about baby Colin Robinson being gone now, couldn't be me lmfao roflmao. Colin Robinson is literally IT for me and I'm so happy he's finally back. Welcome back fav character welcome, how I've missed you.

-I've always said Colin Robinson is objectively the most powerful vampire in the house and this just furthers that and extends energy vampire lore so much. I'm actually so intrigued by it and by Colin. His library had SO MUCH inside it so I wonder if that's only detailed journalling from the last 100 years or longer?

-I actually love that Colin doesn't remember being raised and I hope he never does. Mwah! Sorry for the baby Colin lovers but he was perfect how he was and I loved how his dynamic w everyone in the house evolved from s1-3 and hated it tossed away for what baby Colin had. I'm glad I get to continue where he left off. I'm not here for Colin and Laszlo having a father son relationship, I'm here for them being roomies, best friends, and well,,,, Laszlin over whatever happened in this season ANY day.

-Speaking of where he left off,,, "Young Dumb and Full of Cum" I better get to see this in S5.

-Moreso, I really can't wait to see Colin and Laszlo's dynamic in S5. In S3 they got SO close. Whether or not you shipped them (I remember a lot of people joined the boat as s3 went on), they pretty much became best friends from the amount of time they spent together and how much Laszlo cared for Colin. That's where the relationship left off for Colin,,, but for Laszlo,, well, it's so much more complicated now. He's gotten close in different ways to two different Colin's and it'll be interesting seeing how he comes to terms with that.

-Colin instantly going into basically a feeding frenzy as soon as he came out of the basement with the other vampires and then the contractors. I hope people don't mistake this for him being heartless or detached from the rest. Remember he's barely fed in like a year so he was prolly starving.

-Laszlo hovering around while Colin trained the contractors 😭😭😭 Laszlo smiling to himself and fiddling with the piano as he listened in, obviously not being drained 😭😭😭😭 what does it mean? He's obviously sad to have lost Baby Colin, but was he relieved to have his friend back to normal? Was it a bittersweet moment to hear Colin up to his old tricks?? Had he actually missed it in a strange way??

-Colin stopping to ask if Laszlo was okay 😭😭😭😭 and Laszlo not being okay 😭😭😭😭😭😭

-Colin instantly taking the most dominant role in the house and arranging to have the house fixed up 🥴🥴 okih okih

-Fuck it is SO nice to see Colin Robinson return, but specifically Mark Proksch. Like. Fuck. It's like drinking a glass of refreshing cold water after this entire season. The dynamic felt off all season without him, ESPECIALLY without his dynamic with Matt Berry (in reference to how Mark wasn't on set with everyone for majority of the season). They have incredible chemistry honestly and it blew me away this episode and made me feel how much I've been missing it all of this season... Also yeah it's good to see Colin with that height difference over Laszlo, no I won't elaborate.

-I won't say a lot about Nandor, Nadja, or The Guide. Honestly I found Nadja's plot this season so bland and pointless, like I'm sorry but it didn't even compare to her plot in season 3 and there was like no character growth here for her, and I feel the same way about Nandor. Nandor was just more of the same mopey shit, looking for love in everyone but Guillermo... A plot that had its place in the first 3 seasons but not a 4th. It's just getting tedious and boring now, as Guillermo himself said. The sad thing is s3 had me frothing for Nandermo but now I just don't give a shit about them really, they bore me now. There's still potential but if nothing happened with them next season I don't think I'd care and I won't be holding my breath. And The Guide? Instead of getting to be more of her own character she really just became a supporting character for Nadja in a literal sense, supporting Nadja in her Vampire Nightclub endeavours but not being a supporting character by being written to support the writing of Nadja and her character journey (of which she didn't have). It's a shame, I feel like The Guide had more of a characterisation in S3 and I was actually looking forward to that being expanded on, but she really got fuck all here. I got bored by all three of them.

-Guillermo Guillermo Guillermo... Had an incredible character journey over the first 3 seasons and then this was just... Nothing. I feel like they pulled out the fact that he was a vampire slayer once this season (undeniably one of the most exciting moments in this season too) and then put it back away. It was something that was so iconic and important in season 3. Not to mention the whole insane way his love for Nandor became more and more apparent in the past seasons,, and then season 4 really gave nothing at all. They made him act so sane. Where was the unhinged Guillermo we all grew to love? Where was the vampire slayer itching to assert himself and enjoying his newfound power? Where the fuck did his sense of being owed vampirehood and to be Nandor's partner? It just didn't exist in s4. What's worse is he felt like the central character for the past 3 seasons, but in the 4th he just felt reduced to an empty side character. No amount of meta self awareness about the fact that he'd been reduced to a boring side character in a sitcom will excuse this failure of writing considering how strong the first 3 seasons were.

-I said since s3 that Derek should be the one Guillermo goes off with and who actually turns Guillermo. I actually remembered said thought the night before finale aired,, so really that's the second thing I predicted that came true.

-Nandor was so set on leaving and going home at the end of season 3 and took the massive step of appointing Guillermo as his partner to accompany him there, to where he would turn Guillermo. Guillermo had everything in his hands... And then Laszlo shipped him off to protect Nadja... AND THIS WAS LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING TALKED ABOUT IN SEASON 4. THERE WAS NO CONVERSATION BETWEEN NANDOR AND GUILLERMO. NOTHING. WHAT?????

-I'm seeing a lot of strange people say they don't want Guillermo to be a vampire.... And just,,, you're wrong? Like I'm sorry but you're wrong. He's been here for 13 years on that grind. I love him. Give him what he wants. Let him be the sexiest and most cunning evil vampire he can. And when all the other vampires see him let them drool and be shook. And then... Y'know.... If Nandor gets jealous of the fact that another vampire turned Guillermo instead him, let him come to terms with that and either accept Guillermo as his equal finally,, or have him wish for him back to being human. Both are great options. What isn't a great option and what is actually quite fucking boring is if Guillermo isn't made a vampire. We're trying to escape this monotonous sitcom style of writing, not cement ourselves in it.

-I just wanna thank Laszlo for being the best character this season. Matt Berry consistently delivers. He's able to be fucking funny and aloof, and yet when the time calls for it he can be grounded, serious, and actually heart wrenchingly sad.

-Matt Berry and Mark Proksch are the only reasons I'm looking forward to season 5. Their chemistry is unmatched and their character journeys have consistently been the best. I'm intrigued to see where they go from here.

Ps yes I'm still a Laszlin shipper but I've got no idea how things will work out from here on. As far as I'm concerned, Baby-Colin was an isolated entity. And I'm sorry y'all but I'm glad he's gone and Colin Robinson is back. The king fucking returned,,, if only he'd returned sooner.

#wwdits spoilers #spoiler #spoilers #wwdits #colin Robinson #Laszlin

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arielmagicesi · 3 years

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WWDITS fic recs- 2!

I missed a couple in my first post and I’ve also read quite a few more since then and you know what, I think it’s worth it to promote all these authors’ work! Evidently I’m still afflicted with these brain worms so why not use them to make some writers and readers happy. I see a lot of people being like “I need fic of this or that” and I’m like aaaahhh it exists! So here are my recs, once again, for the fics that I personally thought were either well-written or well-characterized or both.

(again: tagging the authors whose Tumblr accounts I can find so that you can let me know if you want to be removed from the post and I’ll edit you out)

i lied about the whales by morian ( @nonagethimus on here) FREAKING SLAPS... you want communication issues, this is the one to read. This is a “what if Nandor and Guillermo got to go on their road trip after all” fic. Very, very good content

Living in an Age That Calls Darkness Light by holograms ( @acanofpeaches on here) is one that I forgot last time but it’s so so so good. Post-The Wellness Center fic that really delves into the mental health parts. TW for discussions of eating disorders (but, you know, with like, blood, not food, obviously)

come and break me down by inkstainedwretch is INSANELY good. This one’s like 90% a sex scene so obviously avoid if you don’t want to read a sex scene. But oh my god the writing. The characterization. It’s a Nandermo road trip fic featuring a “oh no I hope you don’t show me how good you are at killing vampires” moment lmao please read it

Uncle Afanas by letek is for the Colin Robinson fans out there, as well as the Baron/Sire fans. It’s about the Baron and the Sire babysitting kid Colin Robinson! hello! it’s adorable! It’s really well written too!

Oh wait almost forgot to rec MY new fic, Vampire Vignettes, by ME, which is my speculations about the end of season 4. Nandor and Guillermo are navigating their relationship awkwardly, Nadja and Laszlo are doing the same, and Colin Robinson is a very annoying teenager. Featuring Colin using fidget spinners to drain people and Nandor trying his hardest to be affectionate

Guillermo Has a Secret, Nandor Suspects Cats, and Laszlo and Nadja Couldn’t Give a Fuck, Except That They Do by cosmicocean is a delight. Basically just the vampires speculating about Guillermo and being adorable and stupid. Ft. accidental baby acquisition, which normally I’m like eh about but it’s sweet here

Ship to wreck by nea9 is FANTASTIC!!! If you want Nadja and Guillermo bonding on the sea voyage, please read this! The emotional poignancy of both of them talking about their lives and emotions is so much. Very beautifully written and wonderful.

I design disasters by lizluz ( @michshlo on here) is beautiful. A simple beautiful fic about Nandor and Guillermo confessing their feelings after returning to Staten Island.

Time Off by colormehappy is another simple, sweet fic about Guillermo about 3 years into his familiar service taking the week off to get top surgery, and just the basic life complications around that. Very fluffy, very nice.

Apologize Like You Mean It by DarklyGleaming is a Nadja/Laszlo smut fic essentially which gets into their emotions as well, right after the “Witches” episode about both of them being sad about the Lilith situation and then having makeup sex. It’s very lovely and good.

Coming Up Aces by Heather N is a fun, short crack fic about Colin Robinson taking Laszlo and Nadja to what they think is “a sexual meetup” but is actually an asexual meetup and they just fully don’t get it.

you can run away with me anytime you want by partiallyobscure ( @partiallyobscure on here) is a solidly good Nandermo road trip fic if you are looking for one of those.

Transcript of a Lost Tape by selfindulgences is a fun movie-crossover one written in script format that addresses the plot hole of “if the sire thing is true, then how come Deacon didn’t die when Petyr died in the movie” in a funny cute way

if it was with you by milesofregrets is a rewrite of the s3 finale fight scene that delves more into Nandor’s vampire-related existential crisis and ends with confessing feelings

I’m classifying the rest of these as “miscellaneous Nandor/Guillermo fluff” because they are basically all fluff without plot

something here will eventually have to explode by returnsandreturns ( @returnsandreturns on here) is a fic about Guillermo muttering about his feelings under his breath because he assumes Nandor isn’t listening, and then finding out Nandor is listening. And yes those feelings include murder feelings, because you know I love to see Guillermo do murders

swim to me; let me enfold you by singing_to_shipwreck is an utterly gorgeous one about Guillermo comforting Nandor after a bad date

Strange Effect by lauze is more of a PWP, so again, avoid if you don’t want to read a sex scene, but it’s very fluffy. Basically just the two of them randomly deciding to hook up but there’s feelings and it’s very sweet

Slip by Nandors Wizard Hat (enter_the_gloaming) is an accidental love confession fic, which also interestingly starts with Nandor being in a mood because one of his ex-wives had been turned into a vampire and showed up

A Soft Touch by tired_teeth is a lovely short one about Guillermo figuring out how to show affection

Punch Drunk Love by Doctorinblue is one about affectionate-drunk Nandor

That’s it for now! Let’s all pray this is the last one I make lmao, not because there won’t be more lovely fics written (I’m sure there will be) but because I hope to heal from my WWDITS brain-rot very soon

#fic recs #wwdits fic recs #wwdits #what we do in the shadows #written by me

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airyairyaucontraire · 3 years

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I'm left feeling a bit bemused by the What We Do in the Shadows finale.

I'm not surprised at all about what happened with Colin Robinson, I was anticipating that he was doing some kind of phoenix life cycle thing. Other things felt a bit off to me, though. I don't know whether I think Nandor meant what he said to Guillermo after their fight - at the train station he did really seem to be expecting and hoping that Guillermo would join him and then disappointed and confused that he didn't, and yet I have not had the impression at all that he doubted Guillermo's commitment or thought that he was going soft, so why did he say that? He just saw Guillermo lay waste to a wellness cult to rescue him, hardly the act of a softie. Was the promise to finally turn him genuine or was he just trying to stop the fight and appease Guillermo before either of them really hurt the other? Why the total reversal from "I care too much about you to inflict vampirism on you"? (And Guillermo seems to have forgotten saying that he doesn't care about that any more, he just doesn't want Nandor to leave - which seemed like an important development so I was sorry to see it fall by the wayside.)

There didn't seem to be any real emotional reason (and I don't expect a rational reason from Nandor, he's a ditz) for him to make the changes of direction that he did. I also can't help wondering whether the vampires see all the footage the documentary crew assemble - like, if Guillermo could show Nandor the found CCTV footage of Jan leading her remaining followers to a fiery death, would that change how he felt about Guillermo so aggressively rescuing him? It feels like a lot has been left unresolved from that plotline which it would have been more satisfying to deal with before this season ended.

And why, when Guillermo kept trying to press the others to acknowledge their feelings about Colin Robinson dying, was he still refusing to address his real feelings to Nandor, saying the only reason Nandor was alive is "because I let you live" without giving him any reason why? (eg "because I love you," fucking DUH)

I was confused about what the Guide actually thought about what was going on - like, who's going to run the Vampiric Council in Staten Island with both Nandor and Nadja leaving? Does that matter to her? Is she just looking forward to running it herself without any knuckleheads interfering? I kept thinking she was going to try some sort of power play or switcheroo, possibly involving the Cloak of Duplication, or sending Nandor into danger, but nothing there.

Laszlo's expressions of love to Nadja seemed sincere and very touching, as is his determination to protect the new, larval form of Colin Robinson, but still...

basically, the way the season ended up felt more like a way to split everyone up so that the next season would have to be largely taken up with gradually getting them back together again (as well as whatever sort of growth process Colin Robinson will go through), thus delaying the conversations that Nandor and Guillermo really need to have.

Can Nandor actually manage travelling by himself? It doesn't seem likely. Either he doesn't get far and comes limping home pretty quickly, or he's going to have to find someone else to take care of him. He doesn't even know how to pay for things properly in shops, and he can't hypnotise people to do things they're not already willing to do, and he's incredibly easily distracted by things like slot machines and the Macarena.

And how is Laszlo going to manage on his own with a baby, albeit an uncanny baby which presumably feeds on energy rather than needing milk? Is he going to ask Sean and Charmaine for help or try to muddle through alone?

I wouldn't be surprised if Guillermo managed to make himself heard while being loaded onto the ship and got let out, but what would he do then? Or will they just have him fetch up in London with Nadja and be stuck there for a while, purely so he can't do the obvious thing, leave the ship, get back to the mainland and try to catch up with Nandor and explain what happened to him? Nadja and Doll Nadja can manage perfectly well by themselves; she was always the most sensible and competent vampire in the house, for a vampire value of sensible and competent. Even if Viago is tricking her, which seems awfully likely, she doesn't need Guillermo to look after her.

(Once again, how Viago has gone from dwelling in obscurity in Wellington to being in a position of authority in worldwide vampire society is an enduring mystery - do you think his, Vladislav's and Deacon's stock actually rose because they were in a documentary? Do they perhaps consider Nadja a threat because of the risk of her gaining popularity by the same route? Or do they just hate to see a girlboss winning?)

It wasn't very satisfying and it didn't leave me really excited to see what happens next because it seems like what happens next is mostly going to be a hassle to get out of the way before anything interesting or important can happen.

But I did really enjoy Laszlo accompanying himself on the piano and changing the tune appropriately while telling Guillermo his story. And it seemed like Donal Logue had fun.

#wwdits #wwdits fx #spoilers #wwdits spoilers

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chelsfic · 4 years

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Leftovers - Part 12/12 - Nandor the Relentless x Female Reader Fanfic

For Previous Parts: WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: The reader shares her last night alive with her new family.

A/N: I realized as I was writing this that this whole fic could really be read as an elongated metaphor for my falling in love with this show and this fandom. I hope you guys like this ending and aren’t disappointed.

Warnings: Angst, Emotions, Crack humor, Turning into a vampire

---

It’s an hour after sunset and you can hear your housemates stirring. You’re still lying in bed. The ceiling overhead is cracked and peeling in places. You suppose this probably won’t be your bedroom for much longer. Nandor will want you to move into his crypt. Will you have your own coffin? Or will he want to keep sharing? How does one even purchase a coffin for...personal use?

You know you’re stalling. Nandor is being uncharacteristically patient, but he won’t wait all night. You’re not afraid. Okay, you’re afraid. But, you’d be stupid not to be. You saw Guillermo during his transition. He looked like hell for about three whole days. But you know Nandor will take care of you. Well, strike that. You know Nandor will try to take care of you and if he fails, Nadja and Guillermo will be there.

The night you met...the night you almost became a meal...was your birthday. So much has happened since then. You’ve been kept prisoner, fed upon, attacked, hurt. You’ve also fallen in love with every vampire in this crazy house, even Colin Robinson, bless his heart. Nandor and his bizarre mix of vicious lust and achingly sweet softness has somehow pulled you into this world, into a place you’ve always belonged without even knowing it. So, yeah, you’re afraid. But the idea of not spending every night for the rest of eternity surrounded by these beautiful, damaged, stupid idiots is even more frightening.

A knock comes at your door and Nadja’s voice trills, “Hello, human? May I come in?”

You roll onto your side and sit up, dangling your bare legs over the edge of the bed. You’re wearing one of your few dresses because...well, because you’re going to die tonight and shouldn’t you dress up a little?

Nadja slips inside looking resplendent and deadly as always. She gives you a sympathetic smile and comes to sit next to you.

“Feeling a little nervous about our unholy transition, are we?” she ducks her head and gives you that mama-vampire-knows-best look of hers.

You lean your shoulder into hers, taking comfort in her presence.

“Maybe a little…” you admit. “I’m not having second thoughts or anything it’s just…”

“A little spooky wooky, yes?” Nadja supplies. She wraps her arm around your back and pulls you closer. “Don’t concern your head off, darling. I don’t know if you realize this but I am considered a bit of an expert. I’ve turned many, many humans in my time. Including my dear Laszlo. I’ll make sure Nandor does not slip up and accidentally make you into a zombie monstrosity like my poor Topher.”

You rear back and stare at Nadja with horror stricken eyes, “That’s a possibility!??”

Nadja chuckles and tweaks your nose, “I am giving you sarcasm! To lighten the mood! It’s working, yes?”

You let out a long-suffering sigh that hiccups into nervous laughter.

“I love you, Nadja,” you say with sudden, overwhelming emotion. You dive forward and wrap your arms around her in a fierce hug.

Nadja is stricken for a moment and she pats your back gingerly, “That’s...very nice. You think you want to come downstairs now? Because Nandor is being a real donkey dick down there waiting for you, but his balls are too shriveled to come up here and get you himself.”

You laugh and pull back from the hug, wiping tears from your eyes, “Yeah, let’s go. I’m ready.”

---

“SURPRISE!”

“HAPPY DEATHDAY!”

“SMASHLEY’S IN DA HOUSE!”

“What’s crack-a-lackin’?”

Nandor looks supremely put out when everyone yells something different as you walk through the door to the fancy room. Does no one listen to him? They had an agreed upon plan! He scowls at at the other vampires, especially fucking Colin Robinson, before sweeping over toward you and taking you from Nadja’s arm.

“Welcome to your Death Day Party! Do you like it?” Nandor looks down at you with those wide, sparkling eyes that make you forget he’s a centuries old blood-sucking fiend who once conquered nations and slaughtered thousands.

You take in your surroundings with a look of wonder. There’s a giant glitter banner hanging above the fireplace that reads “Congratulations on your Dark Awakening.” You recognize it as Nandor’s handiwork at once. Also, Guillermo has obviously been to Party City because everyone is wearing pointed birthday hats with little Dracula emojis all over them and the whole room is absolutely covered in crepe paper.

“It’s...so cute!” you squeal, grabbing him around the middle in an enthusiastic hug. This is...just want you needed. A little goofy, human levity before stepping off the edge of the unknown. Your eyes continue wandering over the room until they fall upon a long table set up against the wall. “Oh...my g--gahhhh--is that mac and cheese?”

The table is covered in dish after dish of all your favorite comfort foods. Macaroni and cheese, pizza, lasagna. Apple pie, blueberry pie, cherry pie! There’s a whole giant bowl of Reese’s peanut butter cups. You pull away from Nandor and dash across the room, launching yourself into Guillermo’s arms.

“You’re the sweetest monster I’ve ever known!” you cry, doing your best to squeeze the unlife out of him.

Guillermo laughs, “Listen, you’re going to be puking for days either way. You might as well have one last chance to enjoy human food.”

You roll your eyes, “Thanks for the reminder, Memo.”

“Alrighty!” Nandor is suddenly picking you up from behind and plucking you out of Guillermo’s arms. “That’s enough of that. Why don’t you have some of this--” he turns his head away from you and gags “--yummy food and then we’ll listen to some human musical arrangements that Nadja and Laszlo have prepared.”

Nandor hovers at your side, watching with a wrinkled nose as you pile food onto your plate. You’ve barely made a dent in the impressive spread and you’re feeling guilty about the waste when Colin Robinson ambles up.

“So, nervous about Nandor draining all your blood and killing you tonight?” he asks breezily.

You ignore the question and instead ask one of your own, “Hey, you think you can bring some of the leftovers into your office tomorrow? I’d hate to waste all this…”

Colin’s face lights with a maniacal grin, “Barbara’s on a diet...Yeah...this will be perfect!”

You settle onto one of the couches, sandwiched between Guillermo and Nandor. Both vampires look vaguely nauseated as you tuck into your food, but they’re holding it together.

Laszlo stands up with Nadja and starts strumming a guitar as he addresses everyone, “When I first met our human I assumed she’d soon be fertilizing my vulva garden--”

Nadja slaps his arm and Nandor hisses indignantly.

“But! But!” Laszlo continues, bowing with a flourish in your direction. “I came to realize that this particular human was something special. I decided to accept her into the fold. Mostly because she kept Nandor off my back and also my wife threatened to maim my testicles if I ate her…

“So, here we are, human. The last night of your life and we’ve got just one thing to say…”

The couple launches into a screeching, cloying rendition of “(I’ve had) The Time of my Life” from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack (blatantly stolen from Laszlo’s catalogue of compositions). Your face is frozen in horrified laughter and you flick your gaze to Guillermo’s to see that he’s covering his mouth to stifle his own laughs. On your other side, Nandor is clapping along and bobbing his head with the music. Yup, this is your tribe.

The party goes on for another couple hours. Laszlo and Nadja perform several more “hits” before finishing up with “The Girl in the Village with the Very Small Foot.” Nadja’s singing voice is still ringing in your ears when Nandor bends down to whisper, “It’s time, my human.”

The levity of the party has done a lot to calm your nerves, but you can’t help the sudden grip of anxiety around your throat at his words. You look up, falling, once again, into the fathomless depths of his lovely, dark eyes and you think, That’s what this is. You’re going to live in that deep, dark beauty from now on. There’s nothing scary about that.

You both stand up to leave and say your goodbyes. Laszlo and Colin wish you luck. Guillermo hugs you and presses several quick kisses to your cheeks as Nandor murmurs warningly, “Watch it!”

When he releases you, you’re suddenly engulfed in the arms of a crying Nadja.

“I do love you, you magnificent, ruthless baby!” she sobs. “Nandor, if you fuck this up I’m going to make a hat out of your asshole.”

You laugh into her shoulder and Nandor complains, “Yeesh! Alright, calm down, Nadja!”

By the time you’ve pried yourself from Nadja’s grip you’ve joined her in crying and your face is soaked. Who knew vampires could be so sentimental?

Nandor grimaces in distaste as he brings his hands up to wipe away the tears.

“Ready!?”

---

Nandor’s crypt looks just as it always does. No crepe paper or glitter in sight. Just the warm glow of candles, the rich red and gold accents of the decor, and the solid familiar bulk of the coffin where you’ve spent so many nights wrapped in his protective embrace. He leads you over to the chaise lounge and you both sit, fidgeting nervously and darting shy glances at one another.

Nandor plucks at the fabric of your dress, “This is nice.”

You smile faintly, “Thanks, I--I thought maybe I should dress up for the occasion. Is that stupid? I guess it’ll just get stained…”

“No,” Nandor cuts in, looking earnest and serious. “No, I’ll be careful.”

You nod and fall silent again. The knowledge of what you’re about to do seems to hang like a thick curtain between you. The easy intimacy that you’ve shared is strained with the gravity of what is to come. Nandor finally huffs out an exasperated sigh and pulls you into his lap. At first you think he’s just going to bite the bullet, so to speak, and dig into your neck at once. But instead he grabs your face and pulls you into a searing, all-consuming kiss.

He tangles his fingers in your hair, pushing his tongue into your mouth with a low groan. You stroke your hands down the long column of his throat, running them across his broad shoulders and down his back. How this man--this perfectly imperfect, wonderfully fragile, fierce warrior man--has come to choose you, you can’t begin to understand. For countless other human souls, catching the eye of Nandor the Relentless has meant grim misfortune. For you, finding yourself the prey of a murderous vampire is the best thing that’s ever happened in your life.

Except maybe being MVP at last year’s championship bout.

Nandor’s lips fall away and he looks up at you, panting heavily with his hair mussed and tangled. His gaze flicks down to your exposed throat and you see him swallow in anticipation. He reaches for something on an end table and shows you the stainless steel travel mug containing his blood. You take it from him noting the strip of masking tape on the lid with Nandor’s elegant scrawl--his name and the date.

You snort, setting the container down on the cushions beside you and looking back up at Nandor.

“Prepare yourself, my mortal,” he growls, fangs elongating and eyes flashing with a predatory gleam.

You turn your head, baring your neck for your vampire boyfriend, and answering lightly, “I have a name, you know.”

---

THE END

A/N: Hey, thank you so so so much to everyone who read and supported this fic from the beginning! Your comments and encouragement mean the world to me!

Tags:

@festering-queen, @kandomeresbitch, @strangestdiary, @glitterportrait, @scuzmunkie, @redwoodshadows, @sarasxe, @rileyomalley

#nandor the relentless #nandor x reader #nandor the relentless x reader #nandor the relentless imagine #wwdits fanfic #wwdits #what we do in the shadows

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cosmicflowchart · 6 years

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do you have any Colin + kitty + pearl family headcanons? Your writing is lovely it'd be great to hear your thoughts :)

aww thank you, that’s so sweet!! and yeah i do :D these are sort of broad and disorganized, and there’s a lot of ‘em, but here’s what i think the ritmans get up to:

kitty and colin first met at a gay bar. colin had just started bleaching his hair and was actually kind of nervous that people were now, you know, seeing him with it

kitty slid in next to him and asked, “who does your hair?” and when colin said, “I do,” she fired back, “i could tell. still, not bad for a first attempt. keep at it, mate.”

colin might’ve been a bit intoxicated, so he laughed. even if it was a bit of an insult, she came back so quickly that it caught him off guard, in a good way.

(sidenote: kitty’s way funnier than colin is. colin knows computers and timelines and conspiracies and all that shit, but kitty can make anyone laugh, especially colin.)

later, as they started hanging out more, they discovered they were the only two bisexuals at that bar and (supposedly) in that part of town

they started dating like three weeks after they first met

kitty bleached her hair the day after they started going out together and colin was like :OO and she just went “i think it suits me, what do you think?” and he was just. jaw on the floor, man.

all of their gay friends assumed they were each other’s beards/that they were both just gay/homosexuals and were like “oh that’s so sweet of you, what good friends!” but nah. they were into each other and they were still very bisexual

they had to deal with so much biphobia and erasure it was ridiculous. at one point kitty considered dying her hair the color of the bi flag so people would get the hint, but colin talked her out of it (striped hair is the one style that kitty doesn’t look good in)

when they got married, they dyed their hair the same color–bright green. was it tacky? absolutely. did it match the outfits they had picked out? nope! did they care? fuck no.

they didn’t have an elaborate ceremony, they’re both really private, but they did invite friends

parenthood????? ?? not the plan at all!!! neither kitty nor colin wanted kids–they bonded over their mutual disinterest in (and disgust with) them

kitty and colin don’t get along with their parents so they were afraid they’d turn out like said parents, and that their potential children would grow up without grandparental guidance

but when they realized kitty was pregnant, it never crossed their minds to get rid of her; they just thought “oh okay, this is happening, let’s figure this out”

and it took them a few months of slaving over the well-being of this incompetent infant ((parenting is super fuckin hard alright)) before they realized that like, hey, they’re actually doing this! somehow!!

you remember that smile colin has when he looks down at baby!pearl in his arms in that one bandersnatch path? yeah, imagine that smile, but every time he so much as looks at or thinks about pearl. he’s just like wow okay i made a human holy shit

even when pearl’s done something dumb he’s just like that’s my girl

actually. when she does do something and fails, he does the whole “you failed! and it was wonderful!” thing from meet the robinsons

kitty makes fun of him for it, not because it’s not masculine (colin doesn’t give a shit honestly, gender’s as much of a prison as reality is), but because she knows exactly who he’s looking at when he makes that exact smile and she’s like okay what did our child do now

he didn’t take nearly as many hallucinogens the older he got, parenthood makes that way less responsible–and he definitely didn’t want kitty to be the One Parent in charge when he was home

kitty. is so soft. like not just personality wise but just in terms of touch. she’s also the best damn hugger in the world

colin and pearl are notably not huggers except when it comes to kitty for this exact reason

neither kitty nor colin are very good cooks. pearl can kind of cook, so when she hit about seventeen she started cooking for them

the takeout folks know who the ritmans are. they ended up being friends of the family once kitty was about three

despite the stress and time demands of his job, colin made every effort to go to every event pearl was in, even if A) she claimed she didn’t need him there or B) he had to stay up until 4 am that night finishing something.

he had no idea how much love he had for pearl until she appeared and he just. he kind of enjoys being a dad, even though he never expected to

pearl never achieved the same level of chill as her dad (and she tended to envy him for it)

so one day she just sat him down and said how are you so calm all the time?!?!?

his answer boiled down to A) he did a ton of drugs in the 80s and it probably fucked his brain chemistry permanently, and B) [more healthily] he’s just along for the ride, and you can only really control (if that) how you react and behave to what comes at you

pearl always found that really hard to do–like kitty, she found that things bothered her even when she knew instinctively they really didn’t matter–but she started going to therapy to sort through that

pearl started being interested in her dad’s career in her early teens; she wanted to rebel (as all middle schoolers do) but when she found out her dad–who she was pretty sure was just a giant Nerd–did all these edgy, critically acclaimed games, she just went hey dad whatcha doin and started learning from him

by 18 she was making her own games–this would’ve been 2000/2001-ish, so she’d still be making 2D games and shit, but she also started making 3D games after getting the right hardware

((the perks of having a massively successful game developer for a dad lmao))

when pearl showed colin her first completed game, which was (of course) a choose-your-own-adventure, he actually cried with joy. he didn’t burst into tears, but he welled up and had trouble talking for a moment. she was like “dad you okay” and he just kinda. he threw his arms around her. he’d gotten his hopes down for whatever the universe was in store for her but she got all the best parts of him and none of the bad stuff well okay she did but she was in therapy and that was helping A LOT

she was still convinced that she should’ve removed the government conspiracy track, it felt like too much for her first game. but colin loved it.

she was worried that her competition (which there wasn’t quite yet) would try and steal her work before she could publish it…..kitty reassured her that wouldn’t happen but like. what if

(she eventually grew out of her conspiracy-theory phase, but that didn’t happen until her mid-20s, before which she and colin grew way closer)

(oh yeah, pearl definitely grew up with a bit of paranoia. it had nothing to do with living with Mr. Conspiracy Theory himself, it was just a side effect of undiagnosed ADHD)

colin had always secretly hoped she’d get into programming, but he never forced the issue. if the universe wanted her to follow in his footsteps, it’d happen on its own. he didn’t want to influence her (and if she was anything like him, if he suggested she program something, she would have proceeded to very much NOT do that.

pearl has that same “don’t tell me what to do” streak that her dad (and kitty!) has, but faced worse judgment for it for being a girl, especially in school

…..prompting kitty to offer to come to school, and later pearl’s workplace, to kick their asses (usually joking???????? you can’t really tell with kitty)

when pearl was about six, and kitty offered to kick someone’s ass (well, when pearl was six kitty just offered to ‘talk them down’), pearl just said loudly, “eh it’s okay, if they make fun of me for throwing like a girl again, i’ll just beat them up myself”

kitty looked a little worried, but colin laughed from the other room so honestly, score one for pearl

pearl was like……..half joking

by the way, she has no memory of saying this at all

but it ends up being colin and kitty’s favorite story to tell and embarrass pearl with at parties

adult!pearl built her own computer, and when she showed it off to colin and kitty, kitty was just like, jaw on the floor, this is fuckin cool and pearl was just talking her through all of the parts she got and was real proud of herself :)))

colin had this big fuckin smile on his face before he just said, you showoff, and then praised her for real.

pearl tried pot during her first year of university. just a couple times, though. didn’t do much for her.

but colin knew when she came back from school. he could tell.

as soon as pearl realized he knew she tried to explain it, but he just went listen you have no idea how many drugs i did when i was your age, don’t sweat it love

bandersnatch (2018)……oof. that wasn’t fun. that was the one big argument they had.

pearl and colin, being almost similar personalities, did have their disagreements when she was growing up, but it was never as deep or prolonged as when colin found out pearl was remaking it, starring someone he kind of cared about.

it became an off-limits point of discussion when pearl called or visited, after an argument that was so bad that kitty left the room in tears.

both colin and pearl were like…….shit. so they agreed not to talk about it.

i’m stopping there because this got a little long-winded. but there you go~

#long post #kitty ritman #colin ritman #bandersnatch #black mirror #black mirror: bandersnatch #anon ask #ask #hc #headcanon #headcanons #pearl ritman #kitty #colin #pearl #KITTY SAID GAY RIGHTS

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benicebefunny · 3 years

Text

I posted 336 times in 2021

25 posts created (7%)

311 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 12.4 posts.

I added 364 tags in 2021

#what we do in the shadows - 98 posts

#multiple gifs - 86 posts

#video - 46 posts

#cats - 42 posts

#fanart - 28 posts

#art - 19 posts

#animals - 16 posts

#ted lasso - 12 posts

#birds - 9 posts

#snails - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 130 characters

#do they think they are being progressive by extending to him the same toxic professional courtesy they'd give to a white coworker?

My Top Posts in 2021

White character: *does anything*

Fandom: Here are several elaborate theories on how specific types of trauma from events that have never been shown or mentioned in canon have caused him to act this way.

Character of color: I'm experiencing trauma right now onscreen to be seen by God and everyone.

Character of color: (casually, in multiple conversations) I have experienced abuse in multiple settings. It has been very traumatizing.

Character of color: (repeatedly, throughout an entire season) One of my abusers is here and I have to interact with them. This is visibly distressing. I am making distressed facial expressions.

Character of color: *says cruel things to 2 whole white people*

Fandom: Demon! Hellbeast! Traitor! Nothing could ever explain such villainy!

41 notes • Posted 2021-09-24 17:42:44 GMT

Dennis Billups, one of the unsung heroes of the US disability rights movement, is finally getting some mainstream recognition.

Without Dennis, the 504 sit-in would have fallen apart and the nation's first disability civil rights law would go unenforced. Without Section 504 as precedent, the ADA would not exist, disability rights as we know it would not exist.

Dennis Billups is wonderful.

42 notes • Posted 2021-09-17 02:37:44 GMT

US media in the 90s: It is vitally important that you do nothing at work but crack jokes and destroy company property. Anything more than that means you're a sell out.

US media in the nows: If you make your boss sad, you're going to hell.

55 notes • Posted 2021-10-08 06:06:18 GMT

Colin Robinson: *dresses like a leather daddy to an orgy*

Colin Robinson: *brags about seeing a guy naked*

Colin Robinson: *pops a literal boner from watching a guy on-stage*

Colin Robinson: *spends an entire season premiere trying and failing to dom Guillermo*

Fandom: "Ah, yes, Colin Robinson, the token heterosexual."

60 notes • Posted 2021-09-05 23:10:24 GMT

For season 2 of Schmigadoon, I would like to see exactly the same storyline, the same scripts, and the same songs.

The only difference I want is for Melissa to be played by a Black actress and Josh to be played by a white actor.

Just so fandom can experience the racial whiplash of going from "Melissa is #relatable and deserves better" to "Melissa is emotionally abusive and needs to be put in her place," and then "Josh is incapable of change and doesn't deserve love" to "Josh is such a mood, imagine being around theatre people all the time, I kinda ship him with Aaron Tveit."

What I'm saying is: the fandom's reception of Josh and Melissa is totally based on race, and I hope your necks hurt.

65 notes • Posted 2021-08-14 00:28:44 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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geraldfierst · 8 years

Text

HERE’s TO YOU

December 2016 Dear Friends,

I am sitting in an apartment overlooking the Acropolis. My friend Judy Trotter and I hopped over to Athens on our way to Birmingham and the Limmud conference. As my friend Wallace Norman often exclaims, “Not shabby!”

This past summer, Wallace, who founded and directs the Woodstock Fringe Festival, directed Happy Days by Samuel Beckett. The production was one of the most extraordinary pieces of theatre I have ever experienced, proving that great directing and acting can fill a simple space with transformative emotion and poetry. Not shabby.

As I sit here, I am thinking of all the connections that take us on our life’s journey, and how so many of them have affected me this past year and will continue into 2017- new paths opening thanks to old ties.

Judy and I first met about twenty years ago in Oxford when Andrew Gilbert, (whom I had previously met at CAJE, a conference I would regularly attend with my great friend and mentor Peninnah Schram) invited me to Limmud which at that time was less than 500 people meeting in Oxford. This year Limmud will be at the National Exhibition Center with about three thousand attendees. I describe Limmud as the TED conference for Jews. Since that first time attending, I have been blessed to have been invited to present at Limmud every few years, and I have watched the conferences grow and have experienced the extraordinary people who come from all over the world to share their expertise on everything from politics to religion to art to cooking.

Last summer, my childhood friends Shelley and Ken Gliedman introduced me to the Pine Tree Foundation whose funding made possible a wonderful project this school year at Today’s Learning Center, a school with parallel programs for general and special needs children from pre-K through high school. Last spring, my friend Terry Burnett with whom I exercise at our local Y, had introduced me to Pushcart Theatre, a local children’s theater company, and I had begun talking about developing educational programming for them; meanwhle, my wonderful dog Bianca had introduced me to two dog walking neighbors, Jessica Lederman and Tara McAlister (humans to Harley and Atticus) who teach at TLC and had talked to me about their work. So, I put all the pieces together to create a year long pilot project that we hope will be adopted in other school settings, using Terry’s puppetry, my storytelling, and Pushcart’s performances, to offer new ways to create educational communities and enhance literacy in ESL, special needs, and general populations. I have often been frustrated by the dismissal of a teaching artist residency as no more than enrichment programming, instead of the recognition of how essential the arts are to developing higher level thinking especially in elementary and middle school classrooms. Working at TLC, especially with special needs children, I again and again see how great teaching comes from teachers who use body, mind, and imagination, to reveal and amplify their curriculum- finding multiple ways to excite students, no matter their learning styles.

I often think of how years back, when Remi Barclay Bosseau Messenger and I worked at the Whole Theatre Company, Bob Alexander of the Living Stage taught us “We are all geniuses. The teacher’s job is to bring out the genius in all of us.” Genius, like a genie (or djin) is the energy of the imagination that enables great thinkers to understand what is there that everyone else overlooks. And teachers who inspire bring out that spirit in all of us. My friend Margaret Read MacDonald as an author, storyteller and children’s librarian has been such a teacher. Margaret has invited me over many years to accompany her to many wonderful places in the world. I have always been delighted to be her entourage. Eight years ago, while driving up a mountainous road in Malaysia, I suggested that we distract ourselves from the frightening twists and turns and make up a story about Big and Little to tell. Many years passed, and this year, Margaret, who never gives up, offered that story to Liz Smith Russel, our old friend from August House. Liz is starting publishing again with the founding of Plum Street Press and was delighted with our story which will be published next fall as Bye, Bye, Big! with illustrations by Kitty Harvill. As Liz and I talked, I also sent her Imagine the Moon, a lyric poem listing the folkloric names of each month’s full moon. Liz, who is a brilliant editor, suggested that I create a second tier of information to parallel each month’s verse, so I wrote accompanying text for the educational market based on the core curriculum philosophy of STEAM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Art, Math) Imagine the Moon with wonderful illustrations by Leslie Stall Widener will be released late spring, 2017.

Meantime, my friend Karen Shafer, who I first hired to manage the Whole Theatre Company forty years ago, has asked me to help on an advisory board to develop Aunt Karen’s Farm, her visionary dream. Over decades, Karen has bought and renovated four houses along a road in Mt Vision, NY, near Cooperstown. With space for twenty-two guests, Karen sees Aunt Karen’s Farm as a developmental artist retreat. Dance, theatre and film companies have already used the facilities to work on projects. Last spring, I invited a company of a dozen storytellers, many of whom I first met three decades ago when Marie Winger and I organized the MidAtlantic Storytellers Conference, to join me for a long weekend. This community of storytellers, including me, had recently been working as an ensemble with Ray Gray in a series of collaborative performances at the Mercer Museum. Inspired by the weekend at Aunt Karen’s Farm, Phil Orr, Luray Gross, Bill Wood, and I, have continued to collaborate, creating On the Road With Orpheus, a musical storytelling performance piece which riffs on the Orpheus myth by layering folktales, personal stories, and current events into a two act play. We will be performing the show June 14, 2017, at the Grapevine in Washington DC.

My friend Steve Zeitlin published a wonderful book this year The Poetry of Everyday Life. In it he writes, “In the babble of mothers and their babies, in the inscriptions of teens in their yearbooks, and in the jump rope rhymes and expressions shared among family members lies a world of unselfconscious artistry and poetic expression that is always available to lift our spirits and inspire our creative expression.” This sense of life’s poetry immediately made me think of my own Anjel, now eleven, who began middle school this year. Watching her flourish in sixth grade reminds me of the great teachers I had at that age, particularly Marjorie Bull and Colin Reed. Each of them invested me with a sense of my ability to create and own the world, and, now, I see Anjel discovering those strengths in herself. Both practical and empathetic as well as filled with imagination, she is a wonderful writer, a delicious companion. I have often asked her opinions as I edited my own books. I have no greater joy than to sit side by side with her ( actually, Bianca, my beloved dog, usually likes to snuggle between us) as we read and work and chat. Her presence is my greatest pleasure, my fullest, most beautiful moments. Sheer poetry.

At home in Montclair, we continue inviting artists to present their work in our living room. In recent years, my friend Gladys Grossman has pulled me along to hear Monique Owens at the Village Gate. Monique was a student at Demarest Middle School where I did playwriting residencies year after year thanks to Gladys. I am friends with Monique’s whole family, so I was overjoyed to host Monique Owens and Friends at a house concert in the fall. Then, on December 1, Jean Rohe and Liam Robinson continued their tradition of bringing their holiday show to our home with a wonderful performance of traditional and original music to bring a finale to 2016. I always fondly recall that first afternoon when Jim Rohe (who had become my friend as part of a storytelling class I was teaching at the Montclair Adult School) invited me over to the little house in Nutley. There, I first met Jean and her brother Dan sitting in their high chairs singing Baby Beluga. Ah, how the years go by!

2017 looms before me- and let me be frank- brings with it lots of personal and political trepidation, and I am wondering if the answer lies in trying to tend my own garden or in trying to change the world, but I am thinking of the opening second act image from Wallace’s production of Happy Days. There is Winnie (superbly played by Bette Carlson ) buried up to her neck, but as the lights come up, she opens her eyes, smiles and exclaims, “O Happy Day.” It would be so easy to list the failures and disappointments that seem about to bury us, but in writing this end of the year letter, I want to acknowledge how good it is to awake in a world that always brings opportunity for something new to be born. I send this letter out to you because you are important to me, a part of my life, and even if much time passes before we are together again, you are here, not just in memory, but in the now.

I heard this story on a TED talk. Alexander the Great coming over the Himalayas meets a naked yogi sitting on a rock “Where are you going?” the yogi asks . Alexander replies, “I’m going to conquer the world!” The yogi silently thinks Alexander is completely nuts. " What are you doing?” Alexander then asks. “I am trying to find nothing,” the yogi replies, and Alexander thinks the yogi is completely nuts. No one can foresee the future, nor restore the past; only in the constantly disappearing now is the song at the center of our story.

Marge and I send our love to all of you.

With hopes for health and happiness AND, as my mother used to say, Money isn’t everything, but it doesn’t hurt.

Gerry

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chelsfic · 4 years

Text

Leftovers - Part 7 - Nandor the Relentless x Reader Fanfic

Previous parts: Masterlist

A/N: Well...this was unexpected. I wasn’t planning to go in this direction quite YET, but the characters had minds of their own...

Summary: While planning for the upcoming biannual orgy, the reader gets a lesson in seduction from Laszlo and Nandor finally surrenders to his desire.

Warnings: Smut, Female reader, Blood drinking, First time, Loss of Virginity

---

Nadja’s voice echoes through the house as she rushes into the library clutching a letter in her hands.

“Laszlo! Nandor! Colin Robinson! House meeting!”

Guillermo trails after her carrying the rest of the mail. Bills, a grocery circular, and a stack of computer parts catalogs addressed to Colin. He drops the pile on an end table and takes an unobtrusive position by the doorway as the other housemates start to file in with varying expressions of annoyance, curiosity and boredom.

You’re the last one to arrive, traipsing into the room looking vastly under dressed, as always, compared to the old world vampires in their elegant finery. Even Colin and Guillermo keep it business casual. You, on the other hand, are dressed in a pair of neon pink capri leggings and the USA Men’s Basketball jersey you stole from Nandor. The jersey falls down to your knees and the wide arm holes reveal the sports bra you’re wearing underneath. When Nandor first caught you wearing it a couple weeks ago he’d groused at you about disrespecting his belongings. But then he found himself strangely pleased with how his garment dwarfed your smaller frame. He rather liked the idea of his human wearing his shirt. So, he stopped complaining.

You give him a cheeky grin and flounce the bottom of the shirt around your thighs saucily as you flop down beside him. It’s been just about a month since the rave and since things between you and Nandor...advanced. You’ve started secretly thinking of him as your vampire boyfriend. You spend more nights in his coffin than you do in your own bed and you’ve both enjoyed the closeness that comes with sleeping in an enclosed box.

You’ve continued to touch, kiss, and explore each other physically. Your progress has been slow, though you’ve gone further and experienced more with Nandor than you ever have with anyone else. But he is being downright mulish about taking the next logical step. On the one hand it’s comforting to have a more experienced partner who is so willing to go slowly. On the other hand...you’re horny. And you can’t tell if he’s being considerate and cautious or if he’s being selfish and wanting the best of both worlds: sexy times and virgin blood.

You sit so that your leg brushes against his and take his hand, twining your fingers together happily. You probably look like a preteen with her first boyfriend but you don’t really care.

Colin Robinson grins and his eyes flash blue as he drones, “PDA! Get a room, you guys.”

Nandor hisses angrily and you roll your eyes. You spot Guillermo standing rigidly by the door and wave him over, patting the cushion on your other side.

“Memo! Come sit down for the meeting,” you invite.

Guillermo’s eyes flick to his master automatically and Nandor proclaims, “Vampires--non-familiars only, Guillermo!”

“What!?” you exclaim, slapping his arm. “Stop being mean to Guillermo!”

“Mean!?” Nandor scoffs. “I’m not mean to Guillermo! I saved him from being executed by the Vampiric Council last year, didn’t I?”

Guillermo nods, “Yes, master...although I did save you as well--”

“And I let you have the human giving thanks holiday off, didn’t I?” he interrupts.

“That was...three years ago…” Guillermo mumbles.

Nandor is gearing up for a full on hissy fit but Nadja interrupts, “Enough! Gizmo, go and sit with the human, you know Nandor is going to surrender to her eventually and I have news to announce!”

You smile in triumph and Guillermo reluctantly slinks forward to sit on your other side, eyeing his master over your head with a worried look.

“That’s strike one, Guillermo,” Nandor grumbles irritably, as Nadja takes over.

“I didn’t want to tell you until I had their answer,” Nadja smiles beatifically and folds her hands over her heart, “but I petitioned the vampire orgy committee and they’ve decided to give us a second chance to host the biannual orgy! I explained that my husband had been unnaturally deranged by some putrid blood--”

“Don’t you mean, betrayed by my wife?” Laszlo interjects.

“--and so we’re hosting it this weekend!” Nadja finishes, ignoring her idiot husband.

“Wonderful!” Nandor cries, dropping your hand and standing up to pace the room. “We’ll need to begin preparations at once. Guillermo, I’m giving Nadja permission to boss you around. It needs to be perfect this time!”

“Thank you, Nandor,” Nadja trills, obviously euphoric with plan-making already. “This time we’ll chain the virgins up, so there’s no chance for the cheeky buggers to spoil our fun…”

“Excellent idea, darling!” Laszlo praises, eager to show his support and avoid sleeping in one of the basement coffins tonight.

Nandor nods, “Yes, good suggestion, Nadja. Guillermo, you’ll bring the chains up from the basement...”

Nandor continues rattling off orders and you listen with increasing bafflement and alarm. He’s clearly giddy as he lists the “supplies” they’ll need.

“The sex net, obviously… the swing… assorted dildos… we should get a few Devil’s butt plugs, shouldn’t we? Those were popular at Marcus’s orgy last year…”

You turn, wide-eyed, to Guillermo and find him looking resigned and pulling a notebook from his back pocket to write this down.

Laszlo, Nadja and even Colin Robinson join in the discussion and they don’t seem likely to lose momentum any time soon.

Finally, you clear your throat and speak up, “Um...I’m sorry. So...you--all of you--go to...sex parties? Like, where you...have sex all--all together?”

God, could you sound more virginy? You direct the question to everyone in the room but your eyes focus on Nandor. He looks away with an uncomfortable grimace.

Nadja tuts and puts a hand to her forehead as she croons, “Oh my sweet, baby virgin! I have forgotten how stupid and innocent you are. Do you not know what an orgy is? It is like a dark, bacchanalia of the flesh… a joining of bodies into one, throbbing mass of pleasure. And it is a great honor to host it! Vampires from all over New York will attend.”

“But…” what you really want to do is talk to Nandor in private. Your mind is racing with half-formed concerns, but mainly you’re hoping your new vampire boyfriend isn’t planning to have casual sex with a dozen strangers after spending the last month refusing to deflower you because he’d rather preserve the taste of your blood than deepen your...well, what you’d thought of as your relationship.

But you can’t give a voice to these worries even if the idea of Nandor with someone else stabs at your heart. You don’t want to be the needy virgin. The silly little girl who thinks a 758-year-old vampire is interested in “going steady.” Are you being unreasonable? Are you being unrealistic? Are you being insensitive to vampire culture? All at once you feel tears stinging your eyes and you blink rapidly to clear them before anyone notices.

“I know what you’re worrying about, my warrior,” Nadja breaks through your thoughts. “But you’ll be perfectly safe during the orgy. Look!”

She poofs into a cloud of vapor, reappearing a few seconds later holding a pair of matching plain white t-shirts with the words “Do Not Eat” printed on them.

“One for you and one for Gizmo!” she exclaims with a proud smile as if this solves everything.

---

“So…” you start and then trail off, not really knowing what you want to say.

You’re up in the attic with Nadja and Laszlo, helping them sort through boxes with labels like “Sex Dungeon,” “In Case of Orgy,” and “Emergency Dildos.”

Laszlo uncovers something wedged behind the StairMaster and exults, “My darling! Do you remember this…?”

It looks like a dildo circa the Renaissance period, smooth and hand-carved with a leather harness attached. Laszlo throws his head back and his hands twitch excitedly at his sides as Nadja stalks up to him with a seductive smirk.

“Of course, I do, my naughty boy. And if you are good and don’t ruin this orgy with your moods then maybe we’ll have ourselves a nice little time with it…” her voice goes high-pitched and squeaky as she grabs the phallus out of Laszlo’s hands and strokes it along his jaw, bringing it up to his lips and squealing as he opens his mouth to run his tongue lewdly over the shiny, smooth wood.

“O-okay, I’m just going to give you guys some privacy…” you stand and start to make your way over to the stairs.

Nadja drops the dildo and calls after you, “Wait, mortal! You had something you wanted to ask?”

You stop in your tracks, turning back to the couple and taking a breath to steady yourself. You have to talk to someone about this.

“Yeah, it’s...well, Nandor and I haven’t had sex yet--”

“We can tell that very well, my yummy friend,” Laszlo cuts in and Nadja slaps his arm.

“Go on, little horny infant,” Nadja says encouragingly.

“--but we’ve done other stuff,” you continue, “and I...I have feelings for him. But the thing is, I’m not as comfortable as you all seem to be about...sharing…”

“Ahh!” Laszlo murmurs with an arch look. “And you don’t want a load of randy vampires diddling your man.”

“Right,” you confirm, heat spreading over your face under their scrutiny. “But he seems so excited and I...I still don’t really know if he feels the same way that I do…”

“Hmm, yes this is very tricky,” Nadja muses. “Of course...there are some vampire couples who attend and only pay attention to each other…”

“Bloody boring, if you ask me…”

“Shut up, Laszlo!” Nadja hisses. “Can’t you see our human needs us?”

“Alright, alright!” he says irritably. He turns in a small circle, rubbing his chin abstractly before snapping his fingers and pointing to you in excitement, “I’ve got it! It sounds to me like what you really need is a little help in seducing our warrior friend. Once you’ve done the dirty deed you can enslave him to your feminine wiles just like my darling Nadja did to me.”

“Good idea, Laszlo! Then you can attend the orgy together and if anyone tries to tempt him away you will do the whip on them!” Nadja declares with delight.

You’re not sure if she’s misusing roller derby lingo or actually suggesting that you use a whip on your rivals. Probably both…

“But he won’t have sex with me because he’s obsessed with my stupid blood…” you whine, plopping down on one of the boxes with an exasperated sigh.

“Trust me, human. With our help, Nandor won’t know how to resist!” Laszlo assures you with a self-satisfied grin. “Nadja, darling, get the projector!”

“Oh, no, Laszlo...she’s just a poor human girl. Don’t subject her to your boring pornos…”

---

By the time you come down from the attic you’re pretty sure the image of Laszlo’s orgasm face is permanently burned into your brain. And you’re not exactly sure how “Vampire Tricked in Steamroom” is supposed to help you with your conundrum, but Laszlo’s proud enthusiasm is adorable. Nadja’s words as you walk down the stairs are a little more helpful.

“Nandor is just thinking too much with his fangs and not enough with his penis. Use your natural talents--” she glances meaningfully at your chest, “--to make him realize his mistake.”

You’re not sure you have it in you to play the seductress like Nadja does. Still, your footsteps automatically take you in the direction of Nandor’s room. When you walk into the crypt you find him bent over a long roll of paper on the floor with a paintbrush in his hand and glitter stuck all over his head. He holds his work up to show you with a proud grin.

It’s a banner with large, bright, sparkly letters spelling out, “Welcome Orgy Guests!”

“What do you think?” he asks shyly. “Too much glitter?”

You blink and bite back a laugh at the sight of your fearsome boyfriend with his hair and beard covered in glitter. He’s smiling at you, revealing the wicked gleam of his fangs and you’re suddenly overcome with the desire to kiss him until you’re covered in glitter too. You stride forward, gingerly taking the banner from his hands and setting it back down on the floor.

“Just the right amount of glitter,” you assure him and then you hop up, wrapping your arms around his neck and trusting that he’ll catch you with his strong arms. His beard is scratchy against your face as you claim his mouth with yours, kissing and nipping his lips with a needy growl. Okay, wow--maybe Laszlo’s cheesy movie instruction has some merit?

“I knew it,” Nandor smirks. “You like the glitter, don’t you? Like Twilight!”

“Shut up, Nandor,” you laugh, stroking your fingers through his thick hair and angling his head so you can kiss along the edge of his jaw. You playfully drag your teeth against his neck and his whole body shudders in response.

Curious, you do it again and this time he moans low in his throat and gasps out your name. Your lips curl into a mischievous smile and you bite down sharply, not hard enough to break the skin but enough to bruise if he didn’t have supernatural healing.

“Gah! Human…” Nandor pants, walking you over to the luxuriously upholstered couch set against the wall and dropping down with you in his lap. His voice breaks as he begs, “Harder.”

You draw back, locking your eyes with his for a moment, your breath coming quick as you feel the stir of his hardening length beneath you. His eyes are nearly black with desire and he digs his fingers into your hips in encouragement and repeats himself, “Harder, my mortal.”

You bend forward, brushing your lips gently along the crook of his neck like always does before he feeds from you. You bring your hands to his collar and loosen the ruff of his shirt, pulling it aside and cradling his head as you sink down to bite. You’re tentative at first, somehow afraid of hurting him, but he growls in impatience and swats your butt with his open hand to spur you along. You increase the pressure, feeling his skin give beneath the blunt edges of your teeth and the cool, coppery taste of his thick blood spreading over your lips and tongue. You swallow it, lapping at his neck eagerly as he squirms beneath you and mewls in pleasured surrender.

When you finally pull away, your mouth and chin are painted an obscene red and Nandor goes wild at the sight. He grabs the back of your neck and pulls you into a rough kiss, arching his hips upward so he can grind against you.

“Now, I get to taste you,” He whispers against your lips, shifting out from beneath you and kneeling on the floor between your legs.

“It’s not--” you’re out of breath and your head is spinning. “It’s too soon, baby”

He purrs at your use of the pet name and slides his hands up the outsides of your thighs, catching the waistband of your leggings and dragging them down your legs along with your underwear.

“There’s more than one way to taste you, my human,” he explains, pressing his palms to the insides of your knees and pushing your legs further apart. He drags his beard along the sensitive skin of your inner thigh, scenting you with a pleased sigh. He scoops you up in his hands, pulling you closer to the edge of the couch and finally lowering his face between your legs. His breath is cool against your heated flesh and then he’s dragging his tongue along your slit in one long stroke that ends on your needy, throbbing clitoris.

“Oh my go--”

Nandor rears back, hissing, and you rush an apology, “Sorry, sorry, sorry! I forgot.”

“Be careful with that shit!” he grouses but then he’s dipping his head back down and attacking you with his mouth.

He’s gentle and thorough and--you think--very good at this. A few times you feel the sharp edge of a fang just brush against your most sensitive skin and you start to flinch away but he shushes you and strokes his fingers along your thighs to settle your nerves. His lips and tongue move against your clitoris in perfect, rolling motions that have you melting under his attention. You let your hands fall down to rest in his glitter-specked hair and stroke your fingers along his temples as he laves and sucks. When the mounting tension in your core grows to be too much you roll your hips up, grinding yourself into his face and twisting your fingers in his hair as you cry out.

Nandor climbs back onto the couch and settles beside you, watching with a pleased smile as you tremble and gasp through the aftershocks. He’s lazily palming himself through his trousers when you finally turn to him and press the full length of your body into his, capturing his lips for a kiss that tastes of mingled blood and arousal--both your essences combined.

“I’m ready…” you whisper, sliding your hands beneath his loosened collar and along his shoulders. “If you can possibly stand my blood tasting all ordinary and non-virgin flavored…”

You emphasize the last statement by edging your leg between his and grinding your thigh against his fervent erection. Nandor groans loudly and it sounds like a surrender.

“Yes…” he pants. “My human...yes. I’ll make you mine. But...but--” he growls in frustration “--wait a moment!”

He hops up, leaving you half naked and bemused on the couch as he darts around the room, locking the door, positioning a fur rug on the floor next to an ornate candelabra, and finally opening a drawer and removing a folded piece of paper.

He comes back to you, kneeling at your feet and handing you the sheet of paper. He watches with a gleam in his eyes as you open it.

Inside he’s written in glitter pen:

“Happy Deflowering!

Love,

Nandor the Relentless”

And there’s a drawing of you laying on a fur rug with an artfully modest sheet draped over your nude body and Nandor floating in the air above you, his cape flying out behind him and his fangs bared. Well...now you know he hasn’t been planning to keep you a virgin for all eternity...

You bark out a laugh and press the drawing to your heart as you look up at him and gush, “I love it, Nandor!”

His lips part in a light smile and he presses forward, taking your face in his hands and catching you with his intense eyes.

“I wanted it to be--” he frowns uncomfortably as he forms the word “--nice...for you, human. Perhaps we had a rocking start…”

“You mean with you kidnapping me, drinking my blood and treating me like a human snack pack?” you deadpan, but you dart in to peck his lips to show you’re only teasing.

“Yes, that,” he continues and his fingers are tracing light patterns through the hair at your temples. “But I...I do care about you, my mortal. For more than just your delicious blood…”

Finally hearing him say the words out loud starts your eyes misting and you set the drawing down on the couch beside you, reaching forward to take him in your arms and kiss his beautiful, stupid, warrior lips.

Nandor is remarkably quick at removing his layers of clothing. By the time you’ve shed your stolen jersey and squirmed your way out of the sports bra, he’s completely naked. Vampire speed. He kneels on the fur rug before you, his pale skin reflecting the golden light of the candles, glowing with second-hand warmth. You forget to be bashful about your own nudity as you drink him in. Dark hair covers his chest and trails down his stomach into the dark nest around his proudly straining erection.

His own dark eyes drop to linger on the lines of your body as he reaches out and draws you closer, laying you down on the plush rug and perching beside you. You draw your hands up under your chin automatically, but he takes them and draws your arms down to your sides, baring your body for his hungry gaze.

“You are more breathtaking than the Euphrates running red with the blood of my enemies,” he murmurs, brushing his fingertips over the peaks of your breasts and smiling as your nipples pebble under his touch.

You smile and shake your head, gazing up at this gorgeous man and feeling, for once, entirely worthy and beautiful in someone else’s eyes. You joined roller derby hoping to gain some body-positivity, some confidence--which you have. But still, you’ve never before felt so attractive and powerful. Nandor bends down to kiss you, running one hand along the line of your neck and letting the other roam over your belly and down between your thighs. He strokes through your still wet slit, spreading your slick and rolling your clit between his fingers until you’re mewling into his lips.

“You know…” Nandor murmurs, pushing your legs apart and shifting to seat himself between them, “there’s more than one reason they call me relentless, little human.”

The sound that falls from your lips is half-gasp and half-moan. He slides the head of his cock through your folds, coating himself in your arousal before finally--finally--pressing forward at your entrance. Even after a month of pining and yearning for this you still tense up at the final moment and Nandor kneads his hands into your hips with a soft coo, “Relax yourself, my mortal…”

He leans down to press a rough-stubbled kiss along the edge of your jaw as he finally slips inside of you and you feel, for the first time, the impossible and wonderful sensation of being filled by your lover as he gradually pushes deeper. For several seconds the pressure of him inside of you is all you can think about and it’s overwhelming. You bury your face into the crook of his neck, digging your teeth into the already healed skin.

“Does it hurt?” he asks, and there’s a distinctly vampiric edge of lustful curiosity that accompanies his concern. He’s rolling his hips against you in a slow, steady rhythm.

“Mmhmm,” you murmur without removing your teeth from his neck.

He slips a hand between your bodies and finds the hardened bud of your nipple with his fingers, rolling and stroking it as he continues rocking into you with deeper and deeper thrusts.

“Not for much longer,” he promises with a teasing pinch to your nipple.

His pace increases as the pain gradually ebbs into a delicious, burning ache that builds and builds. You throw back your head, keening each time he buries himself inside you. Nandor’s mouth falls open and he dips his head to run his lips over the throbbing pulse of your throat, feeling the rush of your hot blood beneath the surface and losing the steady control of his movements as he frantically ruts into you.

“Mine, mine, mine,” he cries, wrenching his mouth away from your neck and instead slamming his lips to yours with an anguished moan as he goes rigid, pushing deeper inside of you as his release tears through him. He jerks his hips several more times, reaching between you to put his fingers on you and coax you towards your own peak as he softens inside of you.

He finally slips out of you, collapsing onto the rug at your side with a heavy groan. He hugs you to his chest, tucking your head beneath his chin and humming in pleasure. His skin is almost warm with your borrowed body heat, but where you are covered in a fine sheen of human sweat, he is as smooth and unaffected as ever.

Your muscles shake with involuntary tremors and he strokes his hands down your back comfortingly.

“Shut your eyes,” his voice is a low rumble that you can feel where your head rests against his chest. “Rest, my love.”

The word sends a warm rush around your heart and you smile, burying your face into his lovely chest hair.

All your insecurities about the upcoming orgy are forgotten as your limbs grow heavy with exhaustion. You’re just starting to drift to sleep under the steady feel of his hands smoothing over your back when a sudden thought pops into your head.

“Nandor!” you poke your head up to meet his eyes. “Am I going to turn into a vampire?!”

He furrows his brow as he asks, “Why would you think that, human?”

“Well...I drank your blood…” you explain, relaxing back into his chest now that it seems you’re not on the brink of transitioning into an unholy creature of the night without warning.

Nandor laughs, “I would have to drink your blood first...almost all of it. And then feed you my blood. No, my human, you won’t become a vampire...not yet.”

You nod your head absently, letting your eyes drift shut without fully absorbing his last words.

---

A/N: ?????????

Tags:

@festering-queen @kandomeresbitch @strangestdiary @glitterportrait @scuzmunkie @redwoodshadows

#nandor the relentless x reader #nandor x reader #nandor #nandor the relentless #nandor imagine #nandor the relentless imagine #what we do in the shadows fanfic #what we do in the shadows #wwdits fanfic #wwdits #smut

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chelsfic · 4 years

Text

Leftovers - Part 11 - Nandor the Relentless x Reader Fanfic

For Previous Parts: WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: Guillermo shows off some of his cool, new vampire powers and the reader tags along on a hunt. What could go wrong?

A/N: DON’T @ ME ABOUT THE PATRIOTS DIG! I’m from New England! It’s finnnnneee. Also, previously I said this might be the final chapter. It’s not. There’s one more to come after this.

Warnings: Peril!, Blood drinking

---

“So...what’s it like!?”

You’re sprawled across your bed watching Guillermo stand in front of the full-length mirror amusing himself by picking up various knickknacks from your bureau and making them float in the reflection. He’s dressed as he usually is: a pair of khaki slacks, a button down shirt and a thick, striped sweater on top. The one adjustment he’s made to his wardrobe is the addition of a black leather duster that’s currently folded at the foot of your bed. Very Spike.

He turns to you with a wide grin, his newly minted fangs on full display.

“It’s...wonderful!” he gushes, coming to sit by you on the bed. “I can fly! I can turn into a bat! And did I tell you I worked out my special vampire power!?”

“Guillermo! Show me!” You sit up, bouncing the mattress excitedly.

“Okay, okay!” He glances around your room for a second, his eyes darting from your cluttered bureau to your overflowing closet to the floor that’s littered with laundry. He raises his hands and does a little flourish. Suddenly your discarded clothes are floating through the air, folding and neatly stacking themselves, the objects on your bureau are rearranging and tidying themselves and your closet is swallowing up the overflowing clutter.

“Oh...my...g--” you stop yourself just in time and throw him an apologetic look. “--gosh! Your secret weapon is housekeeping!?”

Guillermo gives you a deadpan look as he corrects, “Telekinesis!”

“That’s...so...awesome! Guillermo! You’re like Matilda!”

If he could, Guillermo would be blushing under your praise. As it is he’s smiling wide enough to dimple his cheeks.

“Guillermo!” Nandor’s voice booms through the house. “Are you ready to come hunting with us?”

---

Nandor grumbles about taking you along hunting. But when you hint that you don’t want to be left alone with just Colin Robinson for company--and Nandor spots Colin sneakily setting up his Scrabble board--he...relents. He’s been doing a lot of that lately and he’s secretly very worried about word getting round the vampire community. So, he pretends that it is his idea.

“Yes, we should take the human with us. For cammy flogs,” he nods knowingly into the camera.

“Cam...camouflage, master?” Guillermo suggests, his eyes narrowed in confusion.

“As I said, Guillermo!” Nandor snaps, irritably. “Let us away to sate our dark appetites!”

With you tagging along the vampires are forced to walk to the park and there’s a good deal of complaining going on even from your steadfast booster, Nadja.

“Sorry, guys,” you honestly do feel a little bad, especially since you can tell Guillermo is itching to stretch his wings, so to speak. “But, hey! Maybe you’ll run into someone on the way who looks good to eat?”

Nadja sniffs petulantly, “Now that we are forced to acquire our own meals every evening because Guillermo has shirked his duties!”

Even Nadja’s entitled griping can’t drag down Guillermo’s ecstatic mood. He’s almost floating with happiness--no, he’s actually floating, you note that his feet are several inches off the ground.

“I’m not a familiar anymore, Nadja!” Guillermo explains for the umpteenth time. “You guys are lucky I’m still doing so much of the cleaning with my special vampire power.”

Nandor stalks beside you, his long cape billowing out dramatically in his wake. He bares his fangs and interrupts, “Well...let’s not be too hasty, Guillermo. You’re still kind of my familiar...my servant...my...cool...vampiric...underling…”

He trails off as you dart a warning glance in his direction.

“What!?” he whines, shrugging his broad shoulders with a nervous grin. “Someone needs to do the dusting and help me with my hair!”

“Don’t worry, master,” Guillermo sighs, not without affection. “I’ll still take care of you. We’re a family now!”

You feel like your heart might burst and you clutch your hands together and gush over how sweet that is, even as your boyfriend hisses and grimaces in distaste.

“Guillermo!” you skip over to him, tugging on the long leather coat and making grabby hands. “Piggy back ride!”

He nods with a laugh. You jump up onto his back, squealing in delight as he glides above the concrete.

“Don’t go too high!” you whisper into his ear, fisting your hands into the leather of his jacket.

“Hey, be careful there!” Nandor grouses. “Guillermo, control your baby vampire bloodlust! If you eat my girlfriend I’m going to be really annoyed!”

You roll your eyes but send a smile in Nandor’s direction all the same. As Guillermo would say, he has a funny way of showing he cares.

Guillermo’s still effortlessly lugging you around when you enter the darkened paths of the park. There are a few late night joggers about, some homeless people and couples walking arm in arm. Your group splits up, so as to attract less attention. Nadja and Laszlo go off together and Nandor sticks with you and his new fledgling.

“Help me pick someone out who looks kind of...villainous…” Guillermo says to you over his shoulder. He’s still coming to terms with taking human life.

“Sure,” you chirp, scanning the park for a likely victim. This is part of the reason why you wanted to tag along tonight. Not just to see your newly vamped friend in action. But...to see if you can deal. “How ‘bout that guy? He’s wearing a Patriots jersey. He must be at least a little evil…”

Guillermo snorts, but his eyes track the fellow with a hungry gleam.

“His face is...really red,” he mutters under his breath, baring his fangs and practically drooling with blood lust.

“Human,” Nandor says, coming up behind you and lifting you off Guillermo’s back. “Time to get away from the hungry vampire now.”

He sets you down in front of him, wrapping his arms around you and shielding you from the chilly night air with his cape. You both watch as Guillermo transforms into a bat, gliding soundlessly over to the man and then taking his human form right behind him. He drags him behind a nearby bush. The whole thing takes seconds and they’re almost entirely obscured from view except for the man’s kicking legs.

“Wow…” you whisper, suddenly feeling very frail and very human. “That was...so quick!”

Nandor tightens his arms around you and leans down to whisper in your ear, “Soon, my little human. Soon you will conquer the nights with us! In the blinks of the eye it will be your turn…”

He drifts off and you crane your neck around to see that his eyes are trained on the shuddering bush, his mouth open in hunger as he subconsciously reaches out.

“Nandor… It’s okay if you want to go take a bite. I’ll be fine,” you offer, edging out of his arms.

“Just a quick…” he mutters and then he’s flying forward faster than you track with your human eyes.

You creep closer to the bush, not willing to stand out in the open like a baby gazelle in a park that is apparently a vampire hunting ground. Guillermo and Nandor are hunched over on either side of their victim. The sound effects they’re making as they tear into the man’s throat are not...all together without their charm. Sure, the squelching, liquid suction of their feasting is kind of gross, but Nandor’s deep, feral growls stir something inside of you. You find yourself fantasizing about kissing those bloodstained lips…

“Hey, boo. Long time, no munch.”

The familiar voice comes out of nowhere. Faster than you can react--faster, even, than Nandor and Guillermo can pull away from their meal--you’re grabbed from behind and suddenly launched into the air, soaring into the night sky over the park.

“What the shit!” Nandor shouts from below.

At first you flail your limbs out madly, shrieking and clawing at the hands on your shoulders. But when you finally catch a glimpse at the retreating ground below you, and realize how high up you are, your body goes slack. You desperately clutch the wrists of the vampire holding you and slam your eyes shut against the dizzying sight of your legs dangling, suspended hundreds of feet above the ground.

“She said she wanted to join the club--mile high! I said, that’s easy girl, I can fly! One quick thing, though, ur gonna die…”

The vampire twists you around until you’re front to front, but you keep your eyes stubbornly shut. Tears leak out as you whisper, “Don’t drop me, don’t drop me, don’t drop me…”

“Count fucking Rapula!” Nandor’s voice suddenly tears through the sky and you dare to open your eyes, craning your neck around to see him with Guillermo, Laszlo and Nadja all floating in mid-air behind you.

Rapula--you guess that’s his name?--shifts your body around casually like you’re nothing more than a bag of potatoes. Now he’s holding you under only one arm so he can point dramatically at your vampires.You let out a whimper and cover your face with your hands to block out the view of the ground beneath you.

“Nandy? The...Remorseful? Is that it?”

Nandor growls and lunges forward but Laszlo puts out his forearm to keep him back.

“Careful there, old chap. He’s the only thing standing between our roller warrior and the ground below!” Laszlo turns to Rapula, “Now, I say, unhand our human thrall, Count Rapuleeeehh!”

There’s a beat of silence during which you hear nothing but the sound of the wind whipping around you. Rapula’s arm on you tenses momentarily as he answers, “Whatever you want, old-timer…”

And then you’re falling.

And screaming.

And falling some more.

Until suddenly you’re not falling anymore. But instead of the solid, final impact you expect, you find yourself landing in a pair of outstretched arms. Nandor cradles you to his chest, his grip on you is borderline painful but you’re not about to ask him to loosen it. You snake your arms around his neck, burying your face into his shoulder and holding on like your life depends on it. Because, well...it does.

He says your name, softly at first and then more insistently, “Okay! Okay! You can stop shouting now! I’ve got you.”

You didn’t even realize you were shouting until his words break through and you snap your mouth closed, subsiding into tiny whimpers as he floats back up to join the other vampires.

“WE’RE GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR DANGLY BITS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASSHOLE!”

You’ve never felt more appreciative of Nadja’s hyper aggression. Guillermo and Laszlo are restraining Rapula between them and Nadja hovers before them, clawing her nails down the leech’s face as she unleashes her unholy diatribe.

Rapula’s bravado has melted away and he’s begging in a soprano squeak, “I didn’t know she was under anybody’s protection! You shoulda put a label on her or somethin--”

Laszlo turns to Nandor with raised brows, “That is true, Nandor. You were meant to write your name and the date on her with the marker pens. We might have avoided a lot of bullshit if you’d followed your own rules for once.”

“Shut up, Laszlo!” Nandor, Nadja and Guillermo all cry out at once.

“Master, why don’t you take Smash home? We’ve got this situation in hand,” Guillermo suggests, he pats his leather duster and you spot the end of a sharp wooden stake sticking out of his pocket. Seems like a bit of a hazard for a vampire to be walking around with one of those…

Nandor scoffs, “No! I will be the one to do the avenging. Guillermo, fly home and fetch my head-ripping gloves!”

The other three vampires look skeptical and you peek up at Nandor with a pleading look.

“Please, Nandor. I just want to go back to the house. And the ground, back to the ground, please.”

Nandor looks from you to the group with an obvious frown. Finally, he sighs dramatically.

“Very well, human! Yeesh, you’re really ruining my reputation over here,” he complains but there’s no heat in the words. He turns back to the other vampires. “After everything that happened with the Council. I think it’s probably best if we refrain from killing him. Simply dismembering him and scattering the parts in the ocean will be sufficient, alright? I’ll see you all at home.”

With that matter-of-fact proclamation, Nandor tightens his arms around you and soars away, gradually descending into the park until he touches down smoothly into the grass.

“We’re on the ground, my human,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “Do you want to walk or you want to do the pig ride like you did with Guillermo?”

You huff a laugh and look up at him with a coy smile, “You’d really give me a piggyback ride? Even if it made you look silly?”

Nandor glances around at the empty park as if he expects a panel of judges on vampiric coolness to pop out from behind a tree. He looks back at you with an abashed grin.

“I will do it. Although I never look silly. Now come on.”

He slings you onto his back and rises onto his toes until he’s gliding just above the ground.

“Wee!” you squeal, throttling his neck in your excitement. It’s...exhilarating to feel so safe and happy after nearly dying--again.

Nandor glides the whole way home, casually hypnotizing passersby so that they ignore the odd, floating man and the cackling girl straddling his back. When you finally make it back to the house he pauses at the door, depositing you onto your feet and looking down at you with a hesitant expression.

“My human,” he begins, drawing out the last syllable as he searches for words. “I know that you wanted to wait a while before your unholy transition. But I was thinking...maybe we better get it over with before you...accidentally get eaten or dropped from the sky or something.”

You snort at his wording before your face turns more serious and you admit, “You...might be right.”

“Is that a yes?” Nandor asks with a hopeful sparkle in his dark eyes.

You look up at him and for a moment your head spins as you contemplate how far you’ve come. You went from victim to thrall to roommate to lover to...well, what exactly will this mean for you two?

“Nandor...Nadja turned Laszlo into a vampire and now they’re married. Does that mean this is, like, a proposal?”

Nandor’s face blanches in surprise and his eyes go shifty as he answers, “A proposal to eat up all your yummy yummy blood and replace it with some of my own thereby turning you into an immortal vampire, yes.”

You shimmy back and forth on your feet playfully as you prod him further, “And then…? What comes next after that?”

“And then…” Nandor echoes, “we will see.”

You laugh at your goofy vampire and walk ahead of him into the house.

“Alright...you make a good point. So...tomorrow night?”

Nandor’s mouth splits into a wide, vicious grin as he answers, “Tomorrow night.”

---

A/N: There’s one more chapter to come! I thought this was going to be the final one but--the demons demanded otherwise!

Tags:

@festering-queen @kandomeresbitch @strangestdiary @glitterportrait @scuzmunkie @redwoodshadows @sarasxe @rileyomalley

#nandor the relentess #nandor #nandor the relentless x reader #nandor x reader #nandor the relentless imagine #nandor the relentless fanfic #wwdits fanfic #what we do in the shadows fanfic #wwdits #what we do in the shadows

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chelsfic · 4 years

Text

Not Entirely Unrequited - Nandor the Relentless x Guillermo de la Cruz Fanfic (One-Shot)

WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: An alternate ending to “Colin’s Promotion.” Featuring a smooch and some fluff.

A/N: I just love Nandor’s line from this episode (Come over here and put your neck in my mouth!)--and I can’t stop thinking...what if...?? [See end for more notes]

Warnings: Kissing, self-sacrifice/close call, Fluff, Feelings!

---

“Guillermo,” Nandor moans, barely picking up his head. “Come over here and put your neck in my mouth.”

Guillermo rolls off his chair, falling onto the floor in an exhausted puddle and painstakingly crawling forward with a subservient, “Yes, master.”

Nandor watches his familiar’s progress without an ounce of the bloodlust that normally clouds his mind at the prospect of a tasty, virgin meal. He’s a wilted flower dressed up as an Ottoman war lord. All thanks to fucking Colin Robinson’s fiendish machinations.

“Nandor! You’re not going to hog Gizmo all to yourself, are you?!” Nadja groans from the opposite couch where she’s collapsed in ennui.

“He’s my familiar, Nadja!” Nandor snaps testily, reaching a limp hand out as Guillermo scrambles up beside him. “It’s not my fault you and Laszlo can’t keep one alive for longer than a week!”

Guillermo sags into his master’s side. The little energy remaining to him after Colin’s mega-feed sapped by the journey from the chair to the couch. Even his thoughts are sluggish. Somewhere in the back of his mind a tiny voice calls out, telling him that he should run from this. But a louder compulsion to please his master--to take care of him--overrides the instinct for self-preservation.

He lets his head drop onto the vampire’s shoulder with a contented sigh, enjoying the rare chance to cuddle his irritable master. He buries his nose into the waves of soft, dark hair, breathing in Nandor’s spicy scent.

“You were a good familiar, Guillermo,” Nandor whispers, his mouth open in a hungry leer. He turns his body to face the smaller man, cradling him in his arms and running a gentle hand over his exposed neck. “This will be just like falling to sleeping…”

Guillermo shivers at the brush of wickedly sharp fangs against his tender skin. He takes a shaky breath, shutting his eyes as a fat tear rolls down his cheek.

“I love you, master,” he breathes just as Nandor closes his mouth over the beating pulse in his neck.

“Woah, woah, woah,” Colin Robinson’s nasal voice sounds from the doorway. “Looks like I’ve arrived in the nick of time.”

Nandor tightens his arms around Guillermo, squeezing him to his chest as he turns around with a petulant whine, “Haven’t you done enough, Colin Robinson? Can’t you leave me to murder my familiar in peace?!”

“Haven’t I done enough?” Colin scoffs. “It’s you all who treat me like a burden instead of a friend!”

He stalks forward and pulls Guillermo out of Nandor’s grip. Both men complain pitifully and Colin rolls his eyes.

“Quit whining, you walnut!” he gripes at Guillermo, depositing him back into the armchair. “I’m saving your pathetic life.”

“Guillermo!” Nandor wails. “Run away!”

Colin presses down on his shoulders as Guillermo makes a weak, aborted attempt to rise.

“Sorry, master…” Guillermo mumbles, half-asleep.

Colin strides across the room, holding forth as two dopplegangers split off from his body. The vampires and familiar writhe in pitiful agony as Colin spins out of control, the urge to feed turning against him and weakening him until he and his doubles fall down lifeless.

---

Later that evening, Guillermo stands under the hot spray in the upstairs shower. The water turns a muddy brown as it flows down the drain, rinsing away the remnants of tonight’s gravedigging. He groans as his aching muscles finally relax. His eyes fall shut and he recalls the feel of his master’s fangs against his skin. He finally allows himself to surrender, just a little, to the emotions brewing inside him. A choked sob escapes his throat, interrupted by the sound of a soft knock.

“Guillermo?” Nandor’s muffled voice comes through the door.

Guillermo sniffs, hastily wiping his eyes and sticking his head out of the shower curtain, “I-I’ll be out in a minute, master!”

He rushes through the rest of his shower, turning off the water and hastily drying himself before throwing on his soft, worn pajamas and terry cloth robe. His skin is still flushed and warm from the heat of the shower and his hair is wet when he steps out into the hallway and nearly collides with Nandor.

“Oh! Master, I didn’t think you’d still be here. Is--is there something you need?” Guillermo stammers. Nandor catches him before he can slam into his chest, holding him with his large, cool hands curled around Guillermo’s upper arms.

“No, my Guillermo,” Nandor murmurs. There’s a tender look in his large, dark eyes that Guillermo has never seen in all his eleven years of service. “I came to see if you are alright. That was a brave thing you did tonight…”

“Oh, it was nothing…” Guillermo automatically demurs, ducking his head and adjusting his glasses nervously

“No, it was not nothing!” Nandor insists, baring his fangs in annoyance. He pauses then, his face softening as he reaches out to tuck a stray curl behind his familiar’s ear.

Guillermo startles at the unexpected touch, his mouth falling open in shock. He looks up and falls into Nandor’s gaze. Those rich, dark brown eyes seem to emit their own gravity, pulling him in and dragging him under the influence of the vampire’s power. Is this hypnosis? Guillermo wonders frantically. Or...something else?

“It wasn’t nothing, my Guillermo,” Nandor repeats, his voice pitched lower. He brings both hands up to cup his familiar’s cheeks and he hisses in pleasure at the contrast of Guillermo’s shower-heated skin with his cold palms. “You were willing to sacrifice yourself for me and I...I appreciate it!”

A shiver runs through Guillermo’s body at his master’s touch. Rather than cringe away from it, though, he leans in, stepping closer and bringing his hands up to clutch the furred collar of Nandor’s jacket. What is happening? He’s either spectacularly misinterpreting Nandor’s signals or...

“Of course, master. I’d do anything for you…” And Guillermo flinches as he hears the words and realizes they’re true. He would do anything. He has, hasn’t he? He’s sacrificed, killed, thrown out his pride and given up his human life...all for Nandor. How long has he lied to himself, claiming to be in it for the payoff of becoming a vampire? For so long, for years, it’s been about something entirely different.

“And what you said?” Nandor continues, stroking his fingers along Guillermo’s cheeks, his jaw, up into his wet curls. “That you love me…?”

Guillermo sputters, trying to come up with an excuse, an explanation that will somehow protect the tender animal of his true feelings. Nandor hushes him, putting a finger to his lips and letting it stay there.

“Your feelings are not...entirely...unrequited…” Nandor admits, wincing against the indignity of voicing his own emotions. But the smile that lights up his familiar’s face is worth the momentary embarrassment.

Guillermo is resplendent. He gazes up at Nandor like he’s the moon, the stars and the eternal night he’s waited for his whole life. Nandor feels his cold, dead heart flood with warmth and in one swift motion he leans down and presses his mouth to Guillermo’s, capturing him in a kiss before he can think twice.

The vampire’s lips are surprisingly soft, and the kiss is infinitely gentle, as if he’s taking care not to hurt his beloved familiar. Guillermo moans, pressing harder into him and smirking in pleasure at the sharp cut of fangs against his plump lower lip. Their mouths fill with Guillermo’s hot, sweet blood and Nandor very nearly growls. He wraps his arms tight around his familiar and deepens the kiss, pressing his tongue into Guillermo’s mouth and lapping at the shallow wound on his lip.

Too soon, Nandor pulls back, panting with the intensity of the kiss. His mouth and beard are stained with blood and he looks wickedly debauched. Guillermo clings to him, catching his breath and trying to steady himself against the revelations of the last few minutes. Nandor feels Guillermo trembling and tightens his arms around him, pulling him to his chest and tucking him under his chin with a gentle squeeze.

He lowers his lips and presses a kiss into the damp curls at the crown of Guillermo’s head, just barely whispering, “I love you too, Guillermo.”

---

A/N: This was a bit of an exercise in writing something short (1300ish words) and not-very-explicit. I’ve never been in a fandom before where I was drawn to *so many* ships. Nadja x Laszlo! Jenna x Nadja!? Jenna x Nandor!!!??? Laszlo x Nandor... but Nandor x Guillermo is just so special. I had to write a little something for these babies. If you enjoyed this, please consider letting me know! It would really make my day!

#nandermo #nandor x guillermo #nandor the relentless x guillermo de la cruz #guillermo x nandor #guillermo de la cruz x nandor #wwdits fanfic #wwdits fanfiction #wwdits fluff #guillermo de la cruz #nandor the relentless

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