#Dennis never change (he couldn’t even if he wanted to)

[ricketycr1cks]

Dennis is constantly plagued by awareness that the rest of the gang doesn’t have and I gotta talk about it!!!

Okay so the gang has always spent their lives together, there have been gaps but I don’t think they ever spanned longer than months and clearly they are all.. unconventional about how attached they are.

While the rest of the gang seems completely fine and content with this Dennis is the only one who feels he needs to stick to a conventional expectation of life and is almost always the one pointing out said unconventional-ness.

There are a lot of examples of this for one when Dee points out Mac and Dennis having codependency issues. While Mac is fine continuing this routine Dennis suddenly becomes self conscious and starts to distance himself. We also see this during the Valentine’s Day episode where Dennis just wants to tend to the bar, now obviously this is related to other issues but Dennis can easily slip into doing normal things and living a conventional life for the most part.

Dennis does a similar thing with Brian jr, Dennis knows what’s expected of him and is the only one who feels like he has to put himself into that role still. The rest of the gang are content with being single, having no kids or stability, etc, but because Dennis is so afraid/ convinced he has to be this person he tries more than anyone else in the group(also I think he’s holding onto the ideal that is the most sane or rational and that he’s the “normal one” this always falls apart when he is outside of the group however, because he only seems most rational around a group of horribly insane and irrational people)

The thing is though, he isn’t normal and while the group definitely accentuates the terrible people in all of them, it was also always there to begin with. Dennis can pretend for a day, a week, a month, or even a year but eventually the careful shell he has built around himself breaks. Dennis is just as bad as the rest of the group but he’s the only one aware that this is an issue.

The thing we see though, through characters like rickety cricket and the gang themselves is that they truly don’t have anywhere else to go. They have all ruined each others lives so much, gotten so tangled in everything and are already such terrible people that the best thing for everyone is that they keep this balance.

Anyways TLDR: the gang is codependent on each other horribly but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing and while Dennis is aware deep down he has no desire to change this, they are healthy for what they can be which is terrible and awful but also kinda the only way they can be and why would we want them to better themselves when they certainly don’t want to??

[house-afire]

Storied Life (AU, outsider POV)

Prompt: 100 words of valets

Dennis had been excited to land a plum position like being Stede Bonnet’s valet. “Dire fucking turnover with that one,” a friend of his had said, but Dennis had gone straight ahead and applied anyway. He didn’t have any regrets. The work itself was shit—wasn’t it always?—but Mr. Bonnet could be staggeringly generous with those haphazard tips of his, and the wages were decent (when Mr. Bonnet remembered to pay them).

Mostly, though, Dennis had wanted the job because he’d figured it’d be nice to serve under a man like himself, for a change. Mr. Bonnet wasn’t exactly standard-issue aristocracy—wasn’t in lots of ways, really, but particularly the way you could tell just by looking at him, if you had any sense. Of course, Dennis soon found out that a boss was a boss no matter what you had in common—but all the same, he could have done worse.

At least Mr. Bonnet was interesting in his own sad, daft way, so that sometimes just going into the drawing room would feel like grabbing some serial fresh from the printer.

And when he was in his cups—which was often enough—he didn’t mind Dennis asking him questions.

“I heard a rumor,” Dennis said, “that you once took to sea to become a pirate.”

Left, mucked about a bit, and came back to his old life with his tail between his legs: Dennis had heard the tale often enough that he was starting to find it plausible. And Mr. Bonnet did have his whims.

“I did,” Mr. Bonnet said. “I did do that, Dennis. The Gentleman Pirate, they called me.” He looked down into the dark depths of his wine glass. “Do you know, I even met Blackbeard? Ed. I called him Ed. One of the only people in the world to ever do that.”

Dennis didn’t believe that Ed part any more than he’d believe that Mr. Bonnet had once stuck his head in a lion’s mouth, but he supposed that man could have met Blackbeard.

“I left everything behind when I came to the sea,” Mr. Bonnet said. “Everything except myself.”

(Everything, Dennis knew, included his wife and kids.

“Gone,” was what Mr. Bonnet had dramatically said of them, whenever someone asked—as if he’d shipped them off to England, they’d all fallen to consumption, or both. So far as Dennis could tell, they were still in Barbados, but Mr. Bonnet moved house like mad so his wife couldn’t find him even if she wanted to.)

“That’s one of the things Ed found so appealing about me,” Mr. Bonnet said. “I was so much myself. You’ve got to be bold, to be yourself.”

You’ve got to be rich, Dennis thought.

“What was he like, sir? Blackbeard?”

“Nice guy, really,” Mr. Bonnet said. He sloshed his wine around. “Or no, actually, probably not. He wasn’t always—wasn’t always the man I knew. He had a darkness in him, eating away with sharp teeth. But do you know what? The time I spent with him was the happiest of my life, and it was the happiest of his, too. That’s got to count for something.” He drained the last of his glass. “But everything ends. Everything dies. So, you know, why should he be an exception?”

Dennis wasn’t sure he understood all that, but he could see he’d be fetching bottles from the wine cellar all day, so he might as well resign himself to it and get a few more stories out of it.

“How did he die?” he said, reaching for Mr. Bonnet’s empty glass.

“It was brutal,” Mr. Bonnet said, looking somewhere past Dennis. “He never saw it coming. Skewered by—by some fucking traitor.” His lips curved in an expression that was nothing like a smile, and for the first time, Dennis could see why Mr. Bonnet had had such trouble keeping his servants. You wouldn’t want to stay too long around a smile like that. It was like Mr. Bonnet had sawed open a gash in his face, and it was bleeding white and red. “By the time they found him, the fire had ruined him. His first mate only knew him by his leathers. Whole face burnt right off.”

He touched his own lips, very lightly, not cutting himself on the edges of that smile. His eyes were wet.

“And that,” Mr. Bonnet said, “was the end of my career as a pirate. That was the end of him.”

[gnrlove1987]

Summary: When your relationship goes wrong, you leave Axl. Sometime later, Axl tracks you down at the beachside ice cream shop you're working at.

You scooped some mint chip ice cream into a pastel pink cup and handed it to the little girl on the other side of the counter, happy that your shift was finally over and your last customer was served.

You felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned around to see your coworker Jane.

“You’re free to go!” Jane said enthusiastically with a chipper smile that showed how young, innocent, and unjaded she was. Yet, at least.

Untying your apron, you gratefully said, “Thanks, Jane. My shift couldn’t end fast enough”.

You liked working at Peach’s Seaside Ice Cream shop. The laid back vibe here was a nice change from the life you lived before you moved to Long Beach. Though, some days seemed to drag on and today was one. It wasn’t like you had much going on after work anyway. Since your breakup a year ago, you had your one bedroom apartment, your cat, and your job. That was good enough for you.

Taking your keys and your purse, you walked out of the shop but after barely four steps, you were stuck in your tracks. You couldn’t move and just stared. He was standing before you and looked just as good as he did a year ago when you left him. Maybe even a little better.

You tried to speak but you couldn’t.

“Hey, y/n.” He said quietly.

Stunned, you eeked out, “What are you doing here, Axl?”

You thought when you left him a year ago you would never see him again and now somehow he found you. You moved to Long Beach to get away from him. That way you wouldn't see him around town or hear what he was up to from friends of friends.

Seeing him standing before you, all the memories good and bad flooded back. You remembered how things were before you left.

You had been with Axl way before he was the biggest rockstar on the planet. You knew him when he struggled to pay for biscuits and gravy at Dennys. You were paying his way back then but you didn’t care because what he couldn’t give you in jewelry or flowers he would give you in love and devotion. Then when his album came out, everything changed. At first it was nice. You were thrilled his dreams were coming true and money wasn’t really a worry anymore.

But different problems replaced the old ones. Girls were constantly throwing themselves at him. Everyone around him turned into a yes man. Everyone but you. It started to seem like you and him weren’t a team anymore either, that he just wanted you to be Axl Rose’s girlfriend, nothing more than arm candy. And even with that he began to make you feel like you weren't good enough either.

As his fame grew, you felt like you didn’t fit in with his new life. You thought he had the same idea when he started going to awards shows, parties, and premieres alone. Two days later, there would be his picture splattered on the front page of the tabloids with a leggy, model type hanging off his arm. You didn’t know who he was anymore. Worse, you didn’t recognize yourself. Your self esteem was wrecked and the past 4 years of your life had stupidly revolved around Axl. You knew the only option was to get far away from him. Let him be this new version of himself while you found yourself again. A better version you could be proud of again.

A year later and he somehow found you. Was he looking for you this whole time or was it just some meaningless fucked up coincidence?

When he didn’t respond to your question, you muttered under your breath, “ I don’t need this shit. “ as you went to walk past him. But he stopped you.

“I can’t believe it’s actually you." he marveled. “ I’ve been looking for you for a long time. You’ve been hard to find, y/n.” He said with a small smile.

He went to stroke your cheek but you backed away.

He looked down and then away, not wanting you to see the hurt in his eyes.

“You know, I actually hired a private investigator to find you” he started, “ I spent a lot of money to find out where you ran off to.”

You laughed dryly and stood with your tongue in your cheek “ Long Beach isn’t that far from L.A. You must’ve sure been working hard to find me in between fucking every model in L.A." You said sarcastically. You continued, "You’re so full of shit. Don’t act like you've missed me. Don't act like you were upset when I left. You’re upset that you got left by someone. Period. It hurt your ego. But you never gave a shit that I was actually gone. It was a relief for you to not have me around anymore.”

“You ended the relationship, y/n! Not me! Fuck you for saying that!" he snapped. "Don’t pretend like you know how I felt especially when you ended it the way you did. It wasn’t fair! With everything we’d been through, you just fuckin left! You didn’t even give me an explanation! Fuck, you didn’t even bother to let me know you were ok. That night you left, I had no clue why you never came home; if you got hit by a fuckin bus or were killed or something! Do you have any idea how scared I was that something happened to you?“

“If you cared so damn much back then, you sure had a funny way of showing it.” You glared.

"That’s bullshit and you know it.” he spat back.

You started to retort but stopped yourself when you realized your coworkers had a front row seat to the fight between Axl Rose and his NOT girlfriend.

“Axl, I don’t want to do this here.”

Axl scoffed. “I’ve been looking for you for a fuckin year and we’re not going to talk about this cos you ‘don’t want to do this here’. ”He took in a deep breath before saying, “We’re doing this now.”

You remembered how bossy he could be and it wasn’t one of the traits you missed about him in the time apart.

“I’m parked over there” you pointed to your car that was nestled in between two palm trees, “we can talk in my car. Ok?”

He nodded and followed you. He sat in the passenger seat while you sat in the front. It was silent for a beat as you both looked around nervously.

”It broke my heart when you left me, y/n."

“Yeah, well it broke my heart when you wouldn’t come home at night for no reason other than you just didn’t want to. It broke my heart when you would make me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you. You broke my heart long before the relationship was officially over, Axl.”

"It was a hard time for me. My whole world was changing. I didn’t know how else to handle it. I’m sorry. But you should’ve told me that. Not just leave.”

“I’m sorry I left but it was the only way. If I would’ve talked to you about all this you just would’ve thrown a tantrum and-”

“You’re fucking throwing this back on me!?”

“Take responsibility for your shit, Axl! You know what I’m saying is true. That’s why you’re getting angry again!”

“I don’t know why I came here!” Axl began to get in your face

“Then leave!” You shouted

“I will! “ he shouted back

You two glared at each other, chests heaving with your faces so close your noses nearly touched. Your lips then collided with his as he pulled you on top of him. With his tongue massaging yours, he felt up your tits as you rubbed your palm again his crotch, feeling him firm up beneath your hand. He pulled his lips away from you and planted warm kisses along your throat, then lingering kisses on your breasts. You ran your fingers through his hair as you ground your hips against him.

“ Oh, fuck, y/n, I need you.” He groaned.

“The backseat.” you said breathily in his ear, feeling his stubble scrape along your cheek.

You maneuvered into the back with him following close behind. Sitting across from him, you unbuckled the belt of his jeans as he pulled your shirt off. With his jacket and shirt off, his chest was smooth and hard on top of you as he laid you down and inserted himself in you. You clenched around him as he rhythmically thrust. The familiar pattern was there just as it was before and you melted into him. Feeling the knot in your stomach get tighter and tighter, you wound your fingers in his hair and bit his lip gently. Breathing harder, the car windows were fogged from the heat coming from the backseat. You felt closer to unraveling as you dug your nails into his back, which he took as a sign to go harder. You arched your back as he delivered one last shaky thrust before you collapsed into each other. You both laid there a minute with him still inside you, taking in each other, smelling his signature scent of tobacco and cologne as he breathed heavily against you.

You then pushed yourself from him and he rearranged himself to sit up. Fishing through his jacket pocket on the floor of the backseat, he got out two cigarettes and a match. He lit yours using the butt of his cigarette and passed it to you as you pulled your legs up. He laid his hand on your bare thigh and kissed your knee before he reclined against the seat. You sat back, watching him as you inhaled the smoke, the first smoke you had had in a year. He sat with a satisfied smile looking out the window. You wondered if you just made the biggest mistake of your life. But, you thought, could something that felt so good be such a huge mistake?

He turned to you, confidently smiling, “ You ready to come home, y/n?”

You looked in his deep green eyes, trying to think how to respond. Nothing had gotten solved and who was to say things would be better this time around if you did go back with him. You missed the man like crazy but fucking in your car was one thing, being thrown back into the chaos that had become his life was another.

Looking down, you exhaled a puff of smoke and softly replied,

"I don't know."

[badnew2005]

dennis’ shirt in gets romantic . do you remember hoodiegate. blue and arguably stripey (simply because of how material works) a core emotional dennis motif. but these aren’t bold stripes. it’s The material that makes it seem stripey, all blended together, unending stripes, you can’t tell where one ends and another beings, it’s continuous, but still landscape. you don’t know where he is emotionally, and he doesn’t either. just come back from north dakota. pretending everything’s the same. knowing everything’s different. macs out. and he left. and came back. there are blue stripes.

then THE blue stripe dennis emotional shirt. big and bold. it’s got a different neckline than break up’s shirt but it’s essentially the same pattern. following the narrative of the episode. dennis is out (of the plan)… but he won’t leave. hearing mac set up dee and greg. the wink. confusion and then acceptance. “what do you mean the plan is in motion for me, i thought i was out” setting dennis up with lisa. maybe teddy was a platonic friend from highschool that makes greg jealous. maureen kicking mac out of their apartment after getting married to dennis. “so i’m still your leading man” the big stripes. big emotional arc. calling lisa “my roomie” when he has to flirt with her. drinking wine. helps when your sad. still got big blue stripes. you miss teddy and no one can replace him. macden coming home singing the boys are back in town. maureen couldn’t replace mac. i don’t love you maureen (looks at mac) i never loved you (maureen). blows hitting on lisa purposefully. if he really wanted to sleep with her “sex, banging” he wouldn’t have been that forward, knew it wouldn’t work. big blue stripes. i’m still your leading man. mac thinking that went great. i find you annoying this whole thing is annoying. i’m leaving (to mac’s room). you just have to trust the structure. Just Trust The Structure!!!

third and final dennis shirt. still blue. it’s checkered But the more prominent stripes are facing downward. a Change. the emotional blue stripes are still there but there’s new stripes, going in a different direction. horizontal stripes shown in closeted dennis moments. the macden story and frank and charlie’s stories mirroring eachother - as they once did in fights gay marriage/gets divorced. straight is gay. the stripes have changed. the whole worlds upside down and the emotional dennis stripes have twisted. stops trying to set dennis up with a woman and moving the focus to setting mac up with a man. it won’t play in middle america but we’ll jam it down their throats till they enjoy it. mac coming in and out of the closet like a yoyo. so you’ll help me. i will. emotionally charged macdennis moment. mac let’s go find you some romance. the stripes have changed. this cat is coming out of the wall. to get him out you introduce another cat and they get codependent then that second cat will come out and hopefully the first one will come out soon after. episode before gets romantic was mac finds his pride. Just Trust The Structure. the framing of dennis, with his horizontal and vertical stripes, standing behind mac (hoodiegate). if you just give us a chance, we could tell a love story for the ages (chuckles softly) (dennis is out of frame) a gay…. gay-ass love story. sunnys relationship with its audience and the media. greg i don’t know what you’re talking about … back to dennis. and his stripes. you can barely see the horizontal stripes. they’re mainly vertical. he’s changing. this is a turning point. it was me, it was always me. lisa’s here, focus on dennis. lisa as maureen lisa as mandy. he doesn’t want lisa here. now dennis and his stripes are out of frame again. moving away from the love story, teddy reveal, someone smarter than me could talk about father son relationships here. dennis isn’t over macs shoulder but we still go back to him. you can see the checkered shirt so clearly but the vertical stripes seem even more prominent up close. director glenn. trusting the structure. dennis shots isolated from macs “love story” until the reveal it wasn’t romantic. dennis ready with the speaker. that’s not romantic or comedic. i guess we’re not gonna get that romantic comedy ending after all. mac and dennis’ story mirroring charlie and franks’ Again. the stripes have changed. the cat is coming out of the wall. and i am trusting the structure

[kennysaysthings]

I find their relationship really interesting, IF they were “together” (secretly banging) in the early seasons then that’s all it was, they could never label it not for lack of trying they just couldn’t bring themselves to call it something that it was. What if Dennis wanted this again, what if Mac said no because he’s out, because he’s finally out and he can’t hide again because there’s no going back ever, what if Mac suggested more, not doing more, not more of anything just calling it what it is this time? What if Dennis is so desperately clinging to the idea what if they call it something else their friendship will change, it will deteriorate like the girls he flaunts as conquests, the world will fold in on itself if they can’t go back to being friends. But it’s too late. Mac came out, he desperately clawed his way out of the closet and he was fully out, he started calling what he and Dennis have more than what they ever considered it, and now he can’t do it, not anymore, Mac can’t keep giving so much when Dennis keeps shooting him down, he can’t cling to Dennis forever the way he promised to so long ago, because Dennis doesn’t want him. He doesn’t want to change what they have over something that might not even last them a week. They are so hopelessly in love but in such different ways. Mac is devoted to Dennis’s every word, he would kiss the ground he walks on, the would follow his voice surrounded by broken glass, he would sacrifice everything to be able to openly love him. Dennis is afraid, he doesn’t want to lose something he’s known far too long, he can’t give it up because what if it feel wrong? What if it isn’t right? What if Mac changes his mind? What if he decides he never wanted it? When has Dennis ever chased after someone and found himself letting them walk all over him, I’m waiting for a “I don’t want things to change between us” line and then Mac telling him it doesn’t have to. Dennis can’t let himself, let them, have this. Just this.

I want a scene in the show where Dennis is staring at Mac with a giant smile on his face, I want him to not be able to pull himself away, I don’t want Mac to give in right away. I want the desperate push and pull of “does he really want this or if he messing with me” and “why doesn’t he want this anymore?” I want the miscommunication to be spot on I want Charlie to hear the complaints and I want Dennis to go to Dee and find comfort in the bond that they hold and I want Dee to say she called it years ago and I want so much from this season that I will NEVER see.

[timaeusterrored]

“Kerry was the only one allowed to do a lot of things.” Denny was smiling as she said it, pouring the group a glass of wine. It was just her, Nancy, and V. Denny had invited V over to give him some hold pictures of Kerry and Johnny, it surprised him how.. sweet some of them seemed.

“He wouldn’t dance at clubs, but if Kerry wanted to dance, he’d dance. He and Kerry shared a bed, Johnny let Kerry sit in his lap, touch his scars, wear his dog tags.” Denny gestured to said dog tags around his neck, and V wondered if he should give them back to Kerry. Or if Kerry would even take them back. In a lot of the pictures, Kerry was wearing them.

“Do you think Johnny loved him?” He knew Kerry had loved Johnny, he wasn’t so much sure now.

Denny shrugged, looking at Nancy. “I don’t know honestly, with those two it was hard to tell. But I think deep down he did. He would take care of Kerry if his brain got to be too much, as Kerry would put it. They pissed each other off but they couldn’t live without each other.. obviously that’s changed and Kerry is still here.. Johnny always called him ‘Muse.’ Kerry’s face always lit up when he called him that.” Nancy chuckled, looking at some of the pictures laid out.

V picked up one picture, it had to be around 2020, because Johnny was there and Kerry had his mullet (that V was trying to get him to bring back, but had so far been unsuccessful). Johnny’s arm was around Kerry’s shoulder, Kerry’s hand pressed against his chest to steady himself. A ring on his ring finger is what caught V’s attention. “Is that..”

“Mhm. They never talked about it. Never brought it up. When I asked years later, Ker said they never got married, and he thinks it was just a way to make Kerry happy before Johnny nuked the tower. Don’t know where it now. The ring around his neck now is from his marriage with Louise.” Denny explained, and V could see the ring appearing more and more until the pictures stopped. He wondered if Kerry still had it… wait a minute.

Kerry still wore that ring. Just on the opposite hand. His heart broke a bit, knowing in the beginning, Kerry kept him around for Johnny. He still wore his ring tears later.. he gathered some of the photos, thanking Denny. He had to talk to Kerry about this. If he wanted to bring Johnny back.

[canonicallyobserving911]

Seven Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

FANON speculation for season 7

Tagged by: @spotsandsocks​.  Thank you for tagging me💕.

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I’m sharing seven several sentences from chapter 5 of “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

I’m so excited about Chapter 5 for several reasons but mainly because Buck and Eddie finally face their toxic parents so they can talk about things they’ve been avoiding, i.e., Helena’s impulsive need to control her children and the rest of the secret the Buckleys have been hiding about Buck’s conception.

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Here are two snippets from chapter 5 since Eddie’s still in El Paso and Buck surprises his parents after he arrives in Hershey.

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Eddie argues with Helena

Helena looks down then back up at him. “Maria told us the fire captain who went to Dennis and Patricia’s house offered you a job here in El Paso so why don’t you just accept it and move back home? I can help you with Christopher’s care and you wouldn’t have to travel all the way from Los Angeles every time I want to see you.”

Eddie huffs and furrows his brow.  “Mom, there’s a lot of I’s in what you just said and you want me to move back home.  We don’t live here anymore…  our lives are in L.A.”

Eddie hadn’t realized it until he said the words out loud that his and Chris’ home is not in El Paso anymore but he’s so frustrated with his mom trying to control him that he pushes the words down in a box so he can deal with them later.

Helena scowls at him but he’s undeterred.

Eddie frowns at the look she gives him then in a low voice he asks, “Why are you always trying to control me?”

She snaps back, “When have I ever tried to control you?”

“Well… let’s see… you tried to take my son from me before I moved to L.A. You’re constantly making negative and rude comments in front of everyone about what you think Chris can and can’t do and you make him feel like a baby. He asked me why you always do that and I tried to explain it but the truth is you did the same thing to me when I was growing up.”

She shakes her head no and exasperatedly responds, “When did I… I never did that Eddie, that’s not true.”

“It is true because you had something negative to say about everything I did and every choice I made.  You were never satisfied unless I did what you wanted me to do.  You belittled Chris’ mother and you’re still doing it but she’s been dead for more than five years.”

Buck’s parents finally tell him the truth

“We had to try Evan; I mean we loved Daniel even though he was…” Phillip trails off, shakes his head then continues. “We couldn’t just sit around and let him die.  Now that you know the whole truth, me saying it again won’t change anything but Daniel was our son.”

A horrifying laugh escapes Buck’s lips and it surprises not only his parents but it surprises him too since it sounds terrifyingly scary.

“Well… I’m your son too but you never tried to save me not even once!”

Margaret and Phillip gasp.

Buck keeps looking at them and he doesn’t look away when he says, “A few months ago, you watched me while I was in a coma for days and I almost died… and you’ve known about this my whole life but you didn’t tell me… why?”  He shakes his head in disbelief.

When they don’t respond he says, “Mom, I guess your actions explain everything you’ve ever said to me and about me.”

“Evan, what do you… I mean how so?”  Margaret asks.

All the memories from his childhood come flooding back and he continues.

“You mean you don’t remember… because I do.  You despised me when I was growing up but now… I—I finally know why.  You never wanted me in the first place and the reason has always been because of your secret, am I right?”

He can see his mother visibly swallow but he’s undeterred and he keeps talking.

“You literally hated me and that’s why you told dad when I was five years old after I fell off Daniel’s bike, “We live with a reminder every day!”  I remember it and now I know that I’m a reminder of what you did and you can’t stand to look at me!”

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Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

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Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Will be posted soon.

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I’m enjoying writing this fic because it’s giving me the chance to unravel the mess that was the 6x18 ending for Buck, Eddie and Chris.  Also, it’s taking them places the show refuses to go including Buck driving to Hershey, PA to face his parents and Eddie trying to decide if he should accept a job with the EPFD and relocated himself and Chris back to El Paso.

Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading

Read chapters 1, 2, 3 & 4 on AO3.

No pressure tagging: @shortsighted-owl​

[blueeyeswhitegarden]

Day 23: Back At Class, They Never Taught A Thing @arcvmonth

Out of all of the Academia characters, Dennis is by far my favorite one. I thought that he had a really good and memorable debut and his personality really shined through too. His deck was pretty cool as well. It's so interesting to me that Arc V had two undercover Academia spies and both of them turned out to be so drastically different from each other. It didn't take long to confirm that Dennis was from Academia. I remember the theory that Dennis was really Yuri in disguise because of having Polymerization in his deck. It lasted only a week, but it was a fun theory, even if it made no sense. The fact that the audience knew about Dennis being a spy way before any of the characters did provided some buildup to the reveal in his second match with Shun. It was still pretty intense to see Dennis' cheerful and upbeat personality disappear as soon as Trapeze Magician was destroyed and he summoned the giant Ancient Gear Golem.

One detail about Dennis' time in Heartland always stood out to me. He told Shun that he wanted to keep performing, but once he found Ruri, he didn't have any other choice. He had to fulfill his mission to Academia. While it was still a mask for his uncover mission, Dennis clearly loved being an entertainer, to the point where that became his true self. He never fit the role of a duel solider like did as a performer. But despite how much he wanted to keep performing, Dennis still completed his mission. Granted, it may not have changed much of anything in the grand scheme of things if he never told them about Ruri. If Dennis wasn't the one to signal the start of the invasion, then it probably would have been another Academia soldier. Leo had been spending years planing for this invasion, so it was going to happen regardless of what Dennis did, but the point is that he didn't have the courage to make that choice for himself. He felt too obligated by his loyalty to Academia to even consider just staying in Heartland as an Entertainment Duelist. Despite going all out with his Academia cards, he couldn't defeat Shun, which is a big deal for Academia students who are taught to look down on Xyz users and enjoy hunting them as if it was all a game.

I really liked Dennis vs. Kaito. Dennis's Performage monsters have pretty cool designs and I really like Arc V Kaito's Cipher monsters, so getting to see them duel each other was fun. The most memorable part of the match was definitely the ending though. Dennis and Kaito were able to put on a performance that entertained the people around them. Yusho could recognize how much Dennis loved to perform and offered him the chance to join their fight against Academia, but once again, Dennis believed that he didn't have any choice. He already burned that bridge with the Lancers and believed that they wouldn't accept him back. Not just because of his reveal of being with Academia, but when he was set back after losing to Shun, Dennis provided them with information on the Lancers. He's the reason why Leo has his own Pendulum cards. They could have potentially learned about it from Sora when he first arrived back at Academia, but Dennis actually had Pendulum cards in his deck, so it would be easier for Leo to use them to create his own Pendulum cards. It is sad that he felt that they wouldn't accept them when Yuya would have been willing to at least hear Dennis out, if not give him another chance, based on what happened with Sora. I'm less confident about Shun giving him another chance given his involvement with Ruri's kidnapping, but he was becoming less of an angry bird at this point, so he might have been willing to at least hear Dennis out. But he felt that he didn't have that option. And he gave the information that Kaito wanted after winning the duel, so he didn't fee like he could return to Academia either.

Even when I was watching the episode for the first time, the moment Dennis started moving backwards on the ship, I was wondering to myself “Oh man, is he really going to jump off the ship?” Dennis was torn between two options, as symbolized by the two sides of the ship's deck, and instead of making a choice, it was easier to take himself out of the equation by carding himself. It was a shocking and tragic moment. As sad as it was, it kind of made me really love Dennis even more. He was so conflicted over his true feelings and his loyalty to Academia that he couldn't handle it. He didn't have the courage or strength to make his own decision. It just showed how much Academia's teachings affected Dennis and that made him so much more interesting to me.

It's really interesting to compare him with the other former Academia students in this regard. Sora had his friendships with Yuya and Yuzu, which slowly made him realize that Academia would hurt people he cares about and he gradually accepted that he was their alley instead of their enemy. Serena was understandably shocked to learn that her entire worldview was a lie, but because of her prideful warrior nature, she immediately wanted to stop Academia and help save Yuzu. Arc V Asuka was horrified to see what Academia was willing to do even to their traitors and learned what Academia had really done to Heartland afterwards. She never wanted to use Fusion monsters or Polymerization again, which is why she runs a Ritual Deck instead. These characters had support from either friends or their own convictions that allowed for them to make the stand against Academia. Dennis did not really have that. Not because he didn't have any friends. He enjoyed his time with the Lancers and I believed that. He was still a spy, but he was clearly having more fun being with them than with Academia. At the very least, I believe he saw both Yuya and Gongenzaka as his friends. But because Dennis lacked the courage to make a choice on his own, I don't think having support from Yuya would have been enough, especially when even Yusho reaching out to Dennis didn't help him.

Yuya vs. Dennis was such a great duel too. Even though Academia was effectively destroyed, Dennis was still more willing to initially play the villain in their duel, similar to what happened when he dueled Gongenzaka back in the Synchro arc. But Yuya could pick up on the act and encouraged Dennis to be his true self. This time, Dennis accepted that option and that allowed for both of them to put on a fun duel that entertained the people of Heartland. There is such a clear different between Academia Dennis and Entertainment Duelist Dennis with his demeanor. Both Yuya and Dennis look so genuinely happy after the duel ends too. I especially love how Yuya asked Dennis to become an Entertainment Duelist teacher for the kids in Heartland. He was clearly caught off guard by that idea, but instead of saying he doesn't deserve it, Dennis agrees to it. While he didn't have to worry about his loyalty to Academia anymore, Dennis choosing to embrace his true self is still really huge. He accepts that he is an Entertainment Duelist and doesn't try to hide behind the mask of a villain or soldier. This also provides a way for Dennis to atone for his part in the Dimensional War. Heartland is still in ruins and the people are still understandably traumatized over what happened to them. They most likely aren't going to be happy to see Fusion monsters or Polymerization cards anytime soon. But that doesn't mean that they can't start the process of healing from the war. By teaching Heartland kids about Entertainment Dueling, Dennis is able to finally be himself while allowing the people of Heartland to remember how fun dueling can be at the same time.

[showfallfoodcourtemployee]

[Transcript Begin.]

[The video begins with two people running across a desolate parking lot. The camera shakes, never focusing on one target. Through the moving video, one individual is visible, the other holding the camera and sometimes showing their own footsteps. Heavy breathing is heard through the other small sounds such as clothes ruffling, footsteps, or accessories hitting against each other.]

Tom: Stupid brat all she had to do was listen.

[The video zooms in on the man, a cigarette lit in his hand, He soon releases a puff of smoke before the two individuals get closer.]

T: Can I help you two?

Madeline: Yeah, yeah! I have one question.

T: And what is that? I'm on break, so hurry up.

M: Yeah, so, why don’t you want your child to be happy?

T: Let me guess you know Mari… Let me tell you something. I want her to be happy, that's why I'm doing this.

M: You used ‘her,’ you do know your own child’s pronouns, don’t you?

T: Yes, she/her, the pronouns chosen for her at birth. Why don't you fuck off?

M: I’ll give you one last chance, mister.

T: Buzz off, you weirdo.

M: You asked for it.

[Madeline cracks her knuckles, then lands a punch straight into Tom’s face.]

T: YOU LITTLE!

[Tom attempts to punch back, but misses due to the pain.]

M: Crazy how you can’t hit a 17 year old. Come on, I have less experience than you!

T: SHUT UP YOU BRAT!

[Tom attempts to punch again, he hits the air.]

M: You’re all bark no bite are you? Try harder!

T: STUPID KID!

[Tom throws a third punch, He hits Madeline in the arm.]

M:You couldn’t aim a little higher?

[Tom tries to slap Madeline, he misses. Madeline then counters by kicking him in the stomach.]

[A crash is heard from behind as someone smashes in a window nearby, the person climbs in and falls to the floor with little to no grace.]

T: WHO JUST BROKE A WINDOW?

M: Getting robbed and beat up? Skill issue.

Edgar: I’m not here to fucking rob you, not like I would, this place is ass!

T: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

E: Doesn’t matter, I have a crowbar, dickhead!

M: No but actually, who are you?

[Edgar lifts his left hand and opens his mouth to speak, but decides against it and just points at his hand instead.]

M: Oh! Hi Edgar!

T: So, your name is Edgar? Let me guess, another one of Mari's friends?

E: You could say that, yeah. Anyway, uh. Who’s winning?

T: DOESN'T MATTER!

[Tom attempts to punch Edgar, but he misses again.]

E: You’re really bad at punching people.

[Edgar swings his crowbar at Tom, it connects with his ribs, causing him to hunch over.]

T: Damnit! y'know if you kill me… Mari won't have any parents.

M: They don’t need your good for nothing ass!

E: Also, isn’t it your fault they don’t have a mom? They mentioned that at the Denny’s.

T: That bitch was gonna let Mari live in her own stupidity. I had no choice!

M: All I'm hearing is Blah..Blah..Blah. No choice? What does that even mean?

E: There’s always a choice. You just didn’t want to consider the other one.

T: I WASN'T GONNA LOSE MY DAUGHTER TO SOME STUPID PERSON!

M: Damn.. Guess we have to kill you now! You had a chance.

T: She’s crazy, why would I let my daughter date someone who doesn't have enough brain cells to understand how not to get kidnapped, let alone that you can't change gender.

[Edgar laughs, and takes a step towards Tom.]

E: I’m getting real tired of hearing you talk, Tom.

T: Same here, jerk.

E: Just call me a bitch, dude, this isn’t a children’s show. I’m pretty sure I can handle it.

T: How about you go die with that sarah kid then you bitch, lord knows if Mari lost two people she cared about maybe she would finally come home.

E: Tom, Mari tried to throw themselves off a bridge after your little chat in the Denny’s. If they lost anyone else, you’d lose them forever.

T: Whoever stopped her should have let her jump. That brat is dead to me.

M: What the fuck is wrong with you.

E: Well, they’re dead to you, big whoop. Guess what? You’re just dead.

[Edgar swings the crowbar at Tom’s neck, there is a sickening crack! As Tom’s neck snaps, and he falls limp to the floor.]

M: Oh shit..

E: Oops. Uh, okay, what now…

Olive: Skill issue!

M: Let’s leave him bleeding out! Just like, clear evidence or something!!

E: I’ll put a few pieces of glass near him, maybe… Wait, put that rock next to him as well.

M: Alrighty then.

[Madeline places the rock next to Tom's head while giggling. They then pick up a couple of shards of glass and shove them into Tom’s neck, leaving some around the body as well.]

E: Now it looks like an accident. We should probably skedaddle.

M: You just killed someone and you say skedaddle? Corny ass..

E: Well, what other words am I supposed to use?

M: Leave? Get out? Anything other than skedaddle?

E: It sounds better.

M: Okay bro. I'm surprised you didn’t call me homeskillet yet.

E: I completely forgot about that… I still could, honestly.

M: Don’t.

[Edgar chuckles, hesitating before speaking again.]

E: Whatever you say, homeskillet!

[Madeline groans, and puts her hands onto her face, throwing her head back as well.]

E: Well. Um. We probably should leave before someone reports this.

M: Alright. We’re going to go get drinks.

E: I would say you’re too young for that, but I just killed someone, so it would be a bit hypocritical to tell you that underaged drinking is against the law.

M: Exactly, alright, let’s head out. For real this time.

E: Alright, see you later. I guess.

M: See ya!

[Transcript end.]

[evermorehqs]

CATCHING MY BREATH, STARING OUT AN OPEN WINDOW

Winnie Howling is based on Winnie from Hotel Transylvania. She is a 29 year old werewolf, college student, and uses she/her pronouns. She has the power of shifting, enhanced smell and super strength. Winnie is portrayed by Jaz Sinclair and she is open.

CATCHING MY DEATH, AND I COULDN’T BE SURE

It was easy to feel unnoticed in such a large family. Winnie, growing up, would insist she had three hundred brothers. That was what it felt like! On the up side, there was always someone to play with, never a dull moment in their household. On the downside, her parents often seemed too busy and distracted for her. She was a quiet, obedient child and even as the only daughter for a lot of her childhood, she felt overlooked. Being part of the chaos was only fun for a little while before it started to feel old, and she found herself branching out, spending more time with Dennis than her siblings. Sure, maybe she had a teeny, weenie, itty, bitty... not-so-little crush on him... but that wasn't the only reason the two were practically inseparable growing up. He was her best friend! He was cool, he was funny, and he saw her for who she was. Not just part of her siblings. She was very much her own person, and one who always knew what she wanted out of life. It would take hard work and perseverance, Winnie knew that, but she believed in herself. She knew she could do it. She was going to be a business woman, she was going to have her own office, her own company. She was going to make herself, if no one else, proud. But she got caught up in the day to day and before she knew it, she was stuck working a 9-5, helping out her family. Stagnant. Every day putting her dreams on the backburner for a later that never came. Evermore was a wakeup call. Things could change in the blink of an eye. Instead of being stressed out about getting home like her parents were, she found herself... excited. She found an apartment of her own, she applied for business school. Maybe a new town was the push she needed to go for it, to make a place for herself. She was just glad Dennis was along for the ride.

I HAD A FEELING SO PECULIAR

❀ Clover Ewing: Clover was like a real life Elle Woods, and Winnie is here for it. She really thinks she could make so much more of herself, though, and she's going to prove it — why be a columnist when you could own the column? ❀ Winnie Lupin: Well, clearly werewolf parents aren't very creative with their names. Being the eldest, it came as second nature to take the other Winnie under her wing, especially without her parents around. She'd do anything for the girl. ❀ Ronald Stoppable: He's silly, but in a good way. The best ways! Ron reminds her of Dennis and he seems like a genuine person, so really, what's not to like?

THAT THIS PAIN WOULD BE FOR EVERMORE

[hvaneyflowers]

Mrs. Emma Gibbs

PART 1

Gibbs x original character

Summary: Gibbs team has a new member. A young, sweet, readhead called Emma. Gibbs unknowingly falls in love with her and makes her his wife.

*****

“Agent Gibbs, let me introduce you to Ms. Emma Dennis, your new team member,” Director Vance told him.

Gibbs’s icy-blue eyes explored her from the head to the toes. He wasn’t happy with the news but knew that Vance wasn’t going to change his mind, so he needed to accept it, even if he didn’t want to.

“Nice to meet you, agent Gibbs,” she smiled at him. 

Gibbs couldn’t help but think she had a beautiful smile and a lovely voice. 

*****

“Now, these are Dinozzo, Ziva, and McGee, guys, this is Emma Dennis, our new probie,” he introduced her to the team.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” she smiled.

‘Oh, that smile... it’s so beautiful’ Gibbs thought ‘wait a minute Jethro, rule number 12, remember, never date a coworker even if she is so beautiful and sexy’ he reminded himself.

*****

Two years passed and although Gibbs tried to put aside his feelings for Emma, seeing her every day made it impossible to achieve. Emma was a fantastic woman. He loved everything about her: the way she talks, her smile, her laugh, her beautiful green eyes, the way the wind blows her red hair, and how she looks when it happens. He loved her with all his heart... And she loved him, too.

Emma fell in love with him on her first day but she knew her boss has strict rules about dating co-wokers and he always respect them, no matter what. Her love was an impossible one. 

*****

It was December 23 and the team had a new case. A naval officer was killed in a bar the day before and his killer was still missing. They made a plan: go undercover as a marine and his sexy lover. The chosen ones: Gibbs and Emma.

****

The bar was full and Emma felt like a prostitute with the outfit she was wearing. She hated it. On the other hand, Gibbs looked so sexy in his uniform. She hated it, too. She hated the fact that he never will be hers. Only in her wildest dreams.

They needed to find the officer’s killer: Andrew Carlise. A drug dealer. Gibbs, or Michael as he was called, was a marine with post-traumatic stress and uses drugs to deal with it, and Emma - or Giselle - was his lover, another addicted. 

It was easy... or that was what they thought. They didn’t count on Carlise having a mini army around him and when they tried to arrest him, well, they were the ones jailed.

*****

“Where we are?” asked Emma when they finally arrived at a house in the middle of nowhere.

“I don’t know, it seems like a wood or something like that,” Gibbs observed. 

“They’re going to kill us, aren’t they?” she said with a shaky voice. 

“Maybe. That’s why we need to find the way to get out of here,” he told her.

Both of them looked for an exit for hours but couldn’t find anyone. They were stuck there in the middle of nowhere with a lot of men who wanted to kill them. The best Christmas ever. 

*****

“I can’t believe I’m going to miss the dinner of Christmas Eve, my mom’s going to make a turkey with wine and cheese,” Emma cried.

“We’re not gonna die” Gibbs rolled his eyes.

It was December 25, Christmas Day, and they were still stuck in that old house in the middle of nowhere. Back in DC, the team was making everything in their hands to find them but it was like they vanished from the Earth.

“I found them!” screamed Abby walking into the bullpen. 

*****

“You know Gibbs, if we are going to die today, I want to tell you about my feelings... for you,” Emma spoke in a low voice “I love you”

Gibbs’s eyes open wide. He never thought she would have feelings for him, but she did. And she just told him! He needed to get out of there, soon.

“I love you too, Emma,” he smiled.

Now, it was the turn of Emma’s eyes to open wide. He loved her! 

“Merry Christmas, Gibbs” her cheeks were red like a tomato.

“Merry Christmas, Em” he kissed her.

“Boss?”

To Be Continued...

[lovecolibri]

Ok but like… what was the point of the Nathaniel storyline in the end? Whatever hard turn they did in hiatus seems to have negated whatever lesson the were probably have Buck learn from it back when they were implying he was gonna have boundary issues. So if they weren’t going to lean into how violating it was for him to do what he did, if they just wanted to bring him back into the mix for Denny, why couldn’t they have just had him do the right thing and call Hen and Karen right away when Denny made contact? They’d have probably got the same amount of time to chew on it and wrestle with their decisions, without the show kind of washing over how horrible it was for any adult to have a secret relationship with a child? He put the responsibility for telling Hen & Karen on Denny, that’s so wrong! Denny was so certain his father would never hurt him, but fathers hurt their children all the time and how on earth are his moms supposed to know he’s safe if they don’t know where he is and who he’s with? It just feels like they started to do one thing, and when that didn’t pan out, actually did something worse.

HARD agree. I think they could have shown Denny looking into Nathaniel and maybe even scoping out his house but then had Nathaniel immediately reach out to Karen and Hen when Denny made contact. We still could have seen Denny fighting with Hen and Karen, we still could have seen the car accident even and Denny being worried about losing a man he never got the chance to know and connect with! We still could have seen Hen and Karen talking out what to do and Toni having a chat with Denny, but by just that little change of having Nathaniel reach out right away, the story changes from "bio dad as a requirement for a child (especially a boy) to know regardless of how the mom's feel about him sneaking around with their son for MONTHS" to Hen and Karen and Nathaniel navigating this choice together to expand Denny's family in a way that respects Denny's desires while also respecting Hen and Karen's family and role in their son's life.

[folkbellies]

Chapter 1 Humble Beginnnings

Chapter One | Humble beginnings part 1 November 19, 2014. This is the most influential date of my lifetime, or maybe that’s June 10, 2023. It was the day my life changed for better or for worse, or whatever they say. No, that’s not the day I got married, but it may as well have been.

November 19, 2014 is the day I fell in love at first sight with Christopher Ryan Willey (WILL-Lee). He would have wanted me to put emphasis on the pronunciation of his last name.

I’ll give a little background on me. I was born on a Friday, June 14, 1991, as Alexandria Christine Taylor. I was raised by my mom, Sheila, a true badass hippy lady who didn’t take shit and my dad, Leroy, a marijuana advocate musician that struggled with addiction and has a strong faith in Jesus.

The youngest of three with my sister, Camille, the artistic, quirky, intellectual middle child and my brother Daniel, the quiet, nerdy, intelligent oldest child. As far as families go, I believe we are all pretty close and have a rather unconventional, yet deep love for one another.

In my childhood years, the motto was ‘Never go a day without a hug’ and ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’ We all vibe really well and bonding over a fat joint isn’t beyond us. I met the best of friends any girl could dream of having as soon as I moved to Florida when I was 4. Her name was Tiffany Crystal Worman and I met her after my families very spontaneous, unplanned move from Dillwyn, VA because an undercover FBI agent was apparently investigating my dad for getting mailed hundreds of hits of acid from New York.

I met Tiffany in Van Doren Avenue in New Port Richey. Tiffany and I lived on the same street and her mom waitressed at the Denny’s my dad cooked at.

I did not want to be friends with her when I first met her. Pink bow, pink sparkly dress and matching sparkly Mary Jane’s against my disheveled long hair, oversized Pocahontas T-shirt and purple pants and I was either barefoot or my laces weren’t tied.

But, after our parents forced our friendship we immediately clicked.

She had everything I ever wanted from a family. A nice house, family portraits, lots and lots of toys! Tiffany and our families spent every holiday and birthday together. Her mom even got us season passes to Busch Gardens every year. We went through our phases of worshipping Eminem and The Used and I’d spend weeks at a time at her house like a second home, going to Youth Group and summer camps. We were inseparable.

I spent my younger years wondering about the swamps, feeding gators little frogs I’d find and coming home with a missing shoe.

Around age 6 I saw firsthand the fight that resulted in their eventual divorce. Looking back on it, I remember the pain in my mother’s eyes and her screams from all the years of being mistreated and cheated on. I saw it break her down until she couldn’t take it anymore.

I saw her lunge at my father with a boot horn and him back up and fell into the ironing board. But, I also remember my mom making me walk with her to the pay phone outside of the Big lots in the Southgate shopping center to call 911, she made me say I saw daddy hit mommy and he spent the night in jail.

I remember being so very little and having the police pull me Camille and Daniel to the side and ask us if we ever saw daddy hit mommy and us all say no and then ask if we ever saw them smoke something that smelled funny or wasn’t a cigarette and being trained at a really young age we all knew to say no.

When I was 8, as a means to fix their broken marriage, my parents decided to sell everything we owned and put the rest in storage. They bought an RV and we drove to New Jersey to spend some time with our cousin Megan, then hopped on a plane in New York City to London, England. I thought I was saying my very last goodbye to the most important person in my world, Tiffany.

We backpacked from London to Wales and took a ferry to Dublin where we spent Christmas Eve and Day. Then, we took a bus to Sligo and spent time up there with my Great Uncle Christi and got to see the town my maternal grandmother lived in. Ireland was absolutely incredible with the greenest grass a shade you weren’t even aware you could see, castles built in the sides of every mountain and sheep as large as buffalo.

We almost moved Chapter 24 | Treatment My mom picked me up almost immediately after Chris had left and we drove to my dads house 3 hours away in a small town called Crescent City. My dad had a small plot of land with a single wide trailer on it as well as the 5th wheel that my sister and her family lived in.

There was a lot going on for the two or three days that I was there. I tried my best to be as festive as I possibly could, at least for my Nephew Axle, but I just didn’t have the energy for it.

I spent most of my time catching up on sleep in the back bedroom in my sister’s RV and I ate. I ate like I hadn’t seen food in ages. Granted, the traditional meal cooked on Thanksgiving and Christmas happened to be my favorite dishes to speak of.

I sat my whole family down at one point during my stay and I apologized for my most recent fuckery when I came back from Seattle. I told them about my plans to go to detox so that they can get me into a rehab and after rehab I would be going into sober living. I told them I was finally done with my life of drug use and addiction and I was ready to heal.

Then the question they had all been waiting for me to answer: Was I going to go back to Chris? Of course, I had every intention of going back to Chris but for the sake of my family I decided to lie. I said I had no intentions to ever speak to him again. I said whatever needed to be said in order for the subject to be changed.

On the way back to Pasco County my mom stops by the BayCare Harbor in Port Richey and I get out of the car with all my bags and I rang the doorbell at the front entrance of the detox facility.

They let me right in the door and I gave my mom a hug and a kiss goodbye.

This was a huge step for me… admitting I needed help and actually going out to seek it on my own. All by myself.

I hardly remember detox. I did happen to meet two very nice gentleman while I was there – Stephen and Jacob. I gave them both my contact information for when I got out of rehab they could hit me up.

I spent 5 long days in detox. But, it was just the amount of time needed to facilitate me going to a rehab center. I was accepted at two different facilities. One was the Phoenix House in the Ocala area and the other one was called Acts Keystone which was much closer in Tarpon Springs. I chose Acts.

On December 30th of 2022 BayCare had placed me in my Uber and sent me to my very first rehabilitation center. It was a 90 day program and I had every intention of staying the entire duration of that time. Phone calls would be made once a week to one number only, computer use was prohibited and there was no smoking (or vaping) allowed.

I brought everything I owned with me and luckily for me my amazing mother had my back and bought me a small AM/FM radio, my own pillow and blanket, and I was allowed to have my gel pens.

At admission, they took my belongings and put them inside a heat treated bag that was meant to kill off bedbugs or any other germs. I met a girl in my intake who was also just arriving and her name was Caelon (Kay-Lynn). Caelon was roughly the same age as me with a fentanyl and meth addiction and she had just moved to Florida in the previous years from St. Louis MO.

We hit it off really quickly and to our surprise they decided to make us bunkies in dorm number 2. I met a lot of people while in rehab but the ones who stood out the most were Caelon, Kayla, and Allyson. Kayla and Allyson had been in treatment together for a while, having waited on a bed to open up while having to sit in a jail cell, they arrived at Acts together too.

The very first thing I found to complain about was the food. Who cares that the food was borderline uneatable but the portion sizes were for toddlers. I couldn’t order my restricted diet because if I did I’d have to eat nothing but a salad for 90 whole days and I don’t think I could have handled that.

But, men ran the kitchen so there wasn’t anything we could do about it.

I dove right into my recovery as soon as I got there. It took a minute to transition from the holiday schedule and Covid outbreak that happened before I got there but once we got back on schedule and they figured out which therapist they were going to assign me I made sure to complete the Phase A packet and start working on my step work.

The schedule for rehab looked a little like this:

730 Breakfast

800 clean

900 roll call/stretch/walk

10-12 groups

12-1 lunch

1-3 groups

4-5 free time

5-6 dinner

Doors to outside closed at dusk

615 coffee

7-8 AA/NA

As far as the curriculum was concerned, I was a rock star! Apparent not very many clients bother with doing the step work because you can’t really get a sponsor while in rehab and they don’t want to do step work without one. I was blowing through a step every week. I tried to be an overachiever and finish my Phase packets ahead of schedule but they only accept the packets every 30 days.

Caelon and Kayla got voted into the kitchen with me as a back up which quickly turned into me taking Kayla’s spot because she sucked at waking up in the morning.

A new girl came into Acts right around the same time we got voted into the kitchen. Her name is Amanda and she was an adorable southern bell.

It started off with just me and Kayla going out into the tall grass field after dinner and laying down to watch the waves in the sunset or to catch a group of deer frolicking at the base of the woods. Then, after sharing with them the magic we seemed to always share together soon it was me, Kayla, Caelon and Amanda every day after dinner just laughing, listening to music and telling each other stories of our life.

Those girls got me through rehab like they wouldn’t believe. I don’t know what I’d have done without those stress relieving magical nights sitting in the tall grass with my best friends. KEYSTONE KILLERS!

I tried my very first red meat burger while I was in rehab and I absolutely fell in love with burgers from that day forward.

There was a man at Keystone, his name was Michael or Big Mike for he was like 6’5. He practiced witchcraft and he had a very intense yet powerful outlook on recovery. He let me borrow a book that belonged to him called “The Power Of Now” which was all about living in the present moment and nothing else. But, not in the sense that you can set goals for yourself because that’s just preposterous. Living in the Now is more of a mentality than anything. It was an incredible book.

Big Mike frequently would lead the meetings for AA or NA whenever our guest speakers wouldn’t show up. He was very insightful and there was more than one occasion I sat with him to pick his brain about how he thought I could heal from my trauma.

I cried a lot in rehab. Actually, when I had first got there they had put me on a prescription for Wellbutrin and it took just about all of me not to kill myself right there. My depression got so bad that I actually handed in my razors to the BHTs. I immediately stopped taking my meds and talked to the psych doctor about switching my meds and he put me on Abilify, remeron and a low dose anti anxiety medication which ended up working much better for me.

By the time I was halfway through, I was over being there. I was able to get in contact with Chris’ mom while there and she informed me he had made it to Maryland and wanted to file for divorce. He wasn’t coming up off of his phone number for me. The entire time I was there I had this gut wrenching feeling that he may overdose while we were apart. I knew from his mom that he had made it to Baltimore and from there his grandfather bought him a ticket to Salisbury.

I knew he was with his family but I also knew that was prime opiate stomping grounds and I was worried.

My teeth started giving me a lot of trouble while in rehab so I scheduled a day to go to the dentist. At Dr. Monticello’s office I had 5 teeth pulled.

By day 50 I had enough of rehab and checked myself out. for good but by the Grace of God something changed my parents mind, and we unpacked the shipping container and stayed in New Port Richey, Florida.

To no surprise, the efforts to save my parents marriage failed and as a result my father decided to take off, pursuing the life of a rock star and headed to Amsterdam to find his dream band. I remember the heart breaking feeling I had watching him leave on that greyhound bus. I thought I’d never see him again. He was gone for a few months before flying into Miami and getting arrested for cocaine possession.

Driving 3 hours there and back just to have to see him through a glass window in the wall talking through a corded phone. Saying goodbye and holding our hands up to the window, pressing them up to one another through two-inch thick glass. I was a codependent daddy’s girl, and I was so hurt, seeing him in his blue jumpsuit every couple of months or so for almost a year.

My mom drank a lot back then. But, she had it rough raising 3 kids all about to go through puberty, fighting all the time, her working full time and paying all the bills herself while her party animal, drug using husband partied and traveled the world and ended up in jail. There’s no way I could have possibly done any better, but a kid remembers.

There were bad days like the time my brother sucker punched my sister and made her cry, so she grabbed him by the rat tail and slammed his face into the coffee table. Or the time I got in a bike accident and instead of taking me to the hospital my mom told me, and I will never forget “Suck it up and don’t bitch!” Meanwhile I’m staying at Tiffany’s and eating mashed potatoes and applesauce for months after. But, I still remind myself that mothering never came naturally for my mom.

[badnew2005]

LED ME TO THE FLOOR EVEN THOUGH IM NOT A DANCER (you showed me how to enjoy life, to do things that made me happy rather than who i thought i should be. dennis vs sinned. introduced me to a whole new life (charlie and the bar) and i couldn’t be happier. still some part of me thinks i should be Someone Else (life with maureen and mandy) but i know i’m happiest when i’m here with you) ASK ME ALL THE QUESTIONS THAT YOUR PARENTS WOULDNT ANSWER (same vein i showed you the way even though i’d never been. introducing mac to the idea that being gay is okay. pushing him to come out. they both taught eachother a new way of life, how to be happy. things that were hidden in their upbringing. dennis loving country mac because he’s out and comfortable with his sexuality)

HOW COULD I DENY A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH (dennis inventing someone else to blame for creating the systems he lives his life through and the pain they caused. taking his heart out of his chest and making a diamond. following the dennis system should have made him a diamond, that version of himself “should” have made him into a diamond. if he had applied enough pressure. but it didn’t. it left him in pain. hating himself. wanting to die, desperately wishing to be someone else in every sense of the word (never escaping it). having mac think of making diamonds in the pressure cooker. he’s a genius and well loved by the gang now. he’s come out. how could i deny a diamond in the rough? how could i deny myself of you for so long? i’m the best version of me when i’m with you.) YOU LET ME IN YOUR WORLD UNTIL YOU HAD ENOUGH (macdennis making the closet (that hole in the wall) their home. dennis as an unreliable narrator (what’s actually happening what’s actual long being said and done out loud is hard to keep track of. it’s harder when i know the pains all my fault) we were happy in the closet i would’ve stayed hidden pretending to be other people with you forever. but you came out. and it changed everything) YOU KNEW THAT I WANTED YOU TO BEND THE RULES (it’s not your fault. i pushed you out (and stole the parachute) i forced you to come out. i wasn’t clear. i don’t know how i expected this to work out. shouting and begging for you to just come out but wishing against it every day.) HOW DID I BELIEVE I HAD A HOLD ON YOU (i’m sorry. i don’t know what i expected. i think i’ve spent too long pretending to be someone else, making You into someone else. i need to try and live in reality for once. it’s hard) YOU WERE ALWAYS STRONGER THAN PEOPLE SUSPECTED (i kind of hoped you would fail out of the closet. get malnourished without me. (im the invisible man who can’t stop staring at the mirror. i want to make you as lonely as me so you can get addicted to this) we made the closet our home but then i spun you around, blindfolded and stole your parachute before pushing you out of a moving aircraft. i kind of hoped you would get caught in the trees or splattered on some rocks. but you survived. you thrived out there. started creating a life without me) UNDERESTIMATED AND OVERPROTECTED (i’m sorry i make everyone mean to you. i was too scared they saw how much i liked you so. had to introduce poison (like a thirteen year old with a crush. but i guess that’s all i am with you- happy and in love and excited and terrified and Young again). i promise i don’t hate you really. i don’t think they do either.)

WHEN I WENT AWAY IT WAS THE ONLY OPTION (tends bar a glimpse into dennis Being Real. saying Something out loud. frustrated that the gang couldn’t see him. but mac did. mac could see Though him. that was too scary, it’s childish but it’s true. couldn’t handle the truth. the possibilities that could bring. dennis had been fighting for so long he had to run away (finally take flight) there was no other option. he wasn’t as strong as mac.) COULDNT TRUST MYSELF TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION (the thought of you knowing me was too much. i didn’t know what i would say or do. i’m sorry. i’m selfish if nothing else, but i don’t think that’s new) THE MOST THAT I COULD GIVE TO YOU IS NOTHING AT ALL (i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry. i wish i was someone else. someone better. but that’s all i’ve ever done and look where it’s ended up. i had to leave you get that right. it wasn’t your fault, not really. i’m sorry i pretended it was. and told everyone you were horrible and needy when that’s really me. i wish i could just Say something to you, anything real. but i would tell you anything you wanted to hear cause that’s just who i am. i promise me leaving was better for us both. im afraid i would have killed you and myself if i had stayed. a messed up xerox of romeo and juliet i guess.) THE BEST THAT I COULD OFFER WAS TO MISS YOUR CALLS (to separate entirely. give you a wrong number. try and cut off comepletey so i could be someone else someone new. but of course i still ended up crawling back home. maybe you’ve learnt how to live alone but i’m still weaned on your love.)

[campmurderparty]

vikram & lydia.

She wanted to run away without explaining herself. Vikram couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could she change so suddenly? He had noticed she wasn’t exactly herself the past few months, but he had no reason to believe it was anything else other than being stressed at work and life’s general hardships. Vikram had his own hardships, too. Didn’t lydia care about that? Sometimes he was stressed at work, though he did have the benefit of a job that became incredibly simple to him over time, and he had his own disastrous relationship with his family. 

Now all he wanted to do was call his mom. He wouldn’t, though. Vikram had always prided himself on being fiercely independent. He never wanted to need anyone, and he hadn’t. His parents divorced when he was a child and vikram had promptly chosen his father in the split. His mother remarried shortly afterwards, then quickly had his younger half-sister bertie within a few years. It felt like Nandini made a whole new family without him. Dennis marshall, in vikram’s opinion, stole his mother away. He would never forgive his step-father for not being his father. For his mother leaving his father and essentially himself when she remarried. The only thing that came out of his mother’s new marriage that meant anything to him was bertie.

Like a child again, all he wanted was his mom. No, actually, all he wanted was to rewind ten minutes and stop lydia from breaking up with him before she could even try. It was all just so fucked. It wasn’t because of him, she said. Well, vikram didn’t know what else it could’ve been then. He spent so much of his life thinking that romantic relationships, or even relationships in general, meant anything to him. He would tell his friends that he didn’t want to be tied down. He would tell his family that he hadn’t met the right girl yet. He would tell his ex-girlfriends that he wasn’t interested in anything serious.

Not until lydia.

She was the first person who ever made him not want to be such a misanthrope. She was the first person he wanted to share his innermost thoughts with, tell her about his bad days, or tell her a funny story about the funeral home that would’ve seemed morbid to anyone else. She was the only woman in the world he ever desired to make his wife. And she was just throwing him away. Vikram felt betrayed. Like he had been conned. Did she ever love him at all? 

She wanted to run away without explaining herself. He supposed she should let her. 

Vikram inhaled deeply, mentally willing the warm pain of tears to subside. If she didn’t want him anymore, then so be it. He pushed himself off the car door, stepping back from the window. “Alright,” vikram sneered, teeth clenching. “If that’s what you want.” he ran a hand over his hair and sniffed noisily. “But don’t ever come back, lydia. I don’t ever want to see your fucking face again.” with that, vikram turned and began walking back to his apartment building. He refused to look back.

That was who he was. A spiteful, petty, unlovable man. It was time that he reconciled that.

[timaeusterrored]

(Pathetic)

(Angst warning babes back on my hurting Vax shit)

Vax stared at his reflection, but didn’t recognize the man staring back. He felt sick, being unable to recognize himself anymore twisted his stomach into knots. He glared into the mirror, he was an imposter in his own body.

“You keep staring at my man like that, and we’re gonna have an issue.” Kerry stated, appearing behind him, hands going to his hips. He was so warm, he always had been. Why was Vax always so cold? If Johnny had taken over, would he be warm again?

“Your man is pathetic.” Vax grumbled, glaring into the mirror still.

“Whoa hey, no. Don’t start that.” Kerry pressed him into the sink so he couldn’t escape. “I tolerate a lot, but you self depicting is not one of them.” His arms went around his waist, looking at them through the mirror with V.

“I am. My own fuckin’ body doesn’t want me. My face looks different, I fucking smile different. My voice doesn’t sound like my voice in my head. I’m an engram of myself.” Kerry let him rant, pressing a warm kiss to his shoulder.

“I sound like him. I drink like him. I fucking sit like he did. This body is his and he’s not even fucking here to control it. And I can see it, in your eyes and Rogue’s and Bes and Denny, even fucking Judy doesn’t look at me the same anymore. And she knew me before him. I’m not me anymore, how is that not fucking pathetic?” Vax felt his hands shaking as he gripped the sink, not meeting Kerry’s eyes.

“Turn,” Kerry tugged in V’s hips, helping him turn around. Vax didn’t want to face him, he was supposed to be Kerry Eurodyne’s sexy young input, a mystery man that was possibly his bodyguard. They fucked on a burning yacht and blew up trucks, and he was starting to believe maybe he had been way too much like Johnny back then, that Johnny’s wild and impulsive behavior had leaked into V by that point.

“I didn’t get to know V before Johnny. And I met V when he had Johnny in him. Johnny was a fucking asshole- Look at me, baby- Johnny was a selfish asshole that didn’t care what happened to anyone around him… until he met you. It takes a lot to tame Johnny, but somehow you did it. You aren’t the same Vax you were back then, but you are not Johnny. I like this V, who yeah sure smirks like an asshole but I tend to like asshole men.” Kerry cupped his face, forcing Vax to make eye contact.

“You’re my Vax now. And from what Guadeloupe and Vik say, you haven’t changed as much as you think you have. You are still a giant sweetheart, you love boxing, you don’t drink a Silverhand. Johnny would say Jackie’s drink is ‘too sweet’. So what you manspread? More room for me to sit.” Vax chuckled at that, bumping their foreheads together.

Then Kerry grabbed his jaw and pulled his face closer.

“If I ever hear you call my man pathetic again, I will kick your ass.” It was an empty threat. Kerry never laid a hand on V outside of the bedroom, and even then it was within V’s boundaries.

“Isn’t it tiring? Taking care of me? You’ve taken care of me since I came down, and even before that. All you’ve done is take care of me, you’ve dealt with 3am nightmares, god knows how many times you’ve sang the boat song for me, sometimes my hands shake so goddamn bad I can’t do anything! How is that not exhausting?” Vax’s voice wavered as he spoke, feeling tears threatening to spill.

“V- Vax, baby focus. You’re gonna hyperventilate if you keep trying to talk like that-“

“And you’re still taking care of me!”

Kerry got Vax to sit on the ground, holding him close to his chest while Vax sobbed. How many times has he cried in Kerry’s chest? How many night did he keep him up with worry? Or scared him screaming form a nightmare? He was exhausted and he knew Kerry was too.

“Big deep breath.” Kerry whispered into his hair, sitting him up so he could take one.

Kerry rubbed his back, wiped his tears, and Nibbles had come in to check on her owner. She was wearing a little black sweater Mama Welles had bought her a while ago.

“Now, I don’t want you take this like I’m comparing you to him okay?” Vax nodded, holding Nibbles close. “I’m not patient, but I was friends with Johnny for over 20 years, and you know better than anyone how annoying that man can be. He was even more exhausting alive. I know where my limit is, and I know where you’re limit is, you’ve hit your limit, I haven’t. I take care of you because you reached into my chest with those big starstruck eyes and pulled my heart out-“

“Nice lyrics.”

“Babe.”

“Sorry.”

“What I’m tryin’ to say it, I take care of you because I want too. I promised you I’d be there for the whole ride, and guess what? We’re still on it, sweetheart. You’re still being affected by the relic every damn day, I see you fighting in your head all the time. I’m here to drag you out. There’s no where you could go that I can’t follow you and drag your ass back to me. I chose you, you chose me. Not everything we do is gonna be fun but we’re gonna suffer together.”

Vax was leaned into Kerry’s hand, listening to him talk. How many times were they gonna sit on the bathroom floor and talk? Was that their thing? It wasn’t so bad, he supposed.

“And don’t you dare apologize. Let’s just go lay down okay? You’ve exhausted yourself.” Kerry kissed his forehead and helped him up, following him to their bed.

The two settled down, Nibbles going to her spot at the end of the bed.

Not everything they did would be sexy or fun, as much as Vax wished he could give Kerry that. He deserved a normal partner, and instead he was dealing with Vax-

“Stop thinking. Just relax… I’ve got you.” Kerry kissed his forehead and pulled him closer, tucking him under his chin.

Vax tried to fight sleep, but Kerry started singing and he couldn’t fight it for long. He knew he was safe when he had Kerry.