#EVEN THE DUDES KIDNAPPING THEM DONT HAVE SHOES

[molotovmetro]

Why is no one wearing shoes

They're going to get tetanus or something, who walks barefoot on a rusty ship

[beann-e]

No I don’t think Denkis dumb I just think he wants to help so much that he loses the ability to make good, normal, smart decisions.

What I mean is — here let’s take the other day for example when he overheard you telling kirishima you were out of energy.

He meant well really or at least that’s what you tried telling yourself while you were burning up from the inside out at the attempted electrocution that was taking place in the middle of the classroom.

Kirishima screaming at denki to let go only for him to short circuit and dumb himself out so much that you both had to wait for him to return to normal to figure out why he just attempted murder in front of the whole class

“ well I thought I could give her some energy “

“ why would you think you could share energy “

he rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment “ well actually now that I think about it I don’t know I guess I just really wanted to help you “

you sighed as kirishima shrugged his shoulders moving to look at bakugou who sat in the desk across from him.

Kirishimas eyes begging for help that bakugou was reluctant to give only giving up on his repeated no’s when you looked at him and smiled softly.

Your eyes told him you were kidnapped by kirishima and being held against your will as his friend similar to himself

Bakugou scoffed as he turned to denki “ oi assbolt whyd you electrocute shitty hairs friend “

“ hey I thought we were friends katsuki “

“ you call me katsuki again and i’ll ri—“

“ woah let’s um let’s calm down—so um denki bro whyd you do it “ kirishimas voice came out in an uncomfortable cough pushing you into his chest trying to shield you away from your recent assailant and your newly made enemy

“ well I overheard y/n saying they were out of energy so I thought I could help in a way— I-I screwed up it wasn’t my place “

“ so you fucking electrocute ‘em“ bakugou screamed now interested in his idiot friends thought process

“ look I don’t know ok “

“ well denki I hate to be mean but you’ve been doing weird stuff like this for weeks and I -it’s sweet but“

you laughed “ i’m getting kinda tired of getting hurt in the process of your help “

His face went downcast

“ oh fuck this — just tell the loser you’ve got a crush and move on “

Your eyebrows raised as you sat staring at the ground letting bakugous words register first before you spoke but the class understanding them before you

“ oh wow dude not cool “

seros voice came out in a laugh “ if he did have a crush on ‘em chances are out the window now “

“ I-I think he may still have a chance y/n seems“ Dekus voice was soft as he stood in front of the mess unfolding “ they seem nice they’d think about it before they said no, right y/n”

He smiled as he moved a bit closer but quickly falling on his face as bakugous small laugh took over the room before he pulled his foot back under his desk slowly

bakugou scoffed “ your one to talk about thinking seeing as though your dumbass just walked in front of my desk thinking I wouldn’t do something “

“ s-sorry kaachan “

“ what the fuck ever “ he moved to look at you

“ the hell are you gonna do shitty airhead —we’re all invested now “

your voice had failed you as you looked to kirishima who was not trying to be in the middle of this right now

his eyes quickly darting away from yours as you called out for help with your own.

He knew just how fucked up this situation had turned neither of you were expecting this.

“ well don’t be an asshole y/n say something“ bakugou laughed “ you got this dude over here pissing himself in fear “

your ears perked up as you heard a calm voice enter into the conversation

“ well Bakugou how about we not scream at them“

you threw your head to the floor as todoroki spoke “ this isn’t even our business in the first place everyone is just being nosy right now “

he moved over to you standing behind you “ though I would like to know what your thinking “

he rubbed your back as he squatted next to your desk “I guess you could say I agree with Bakugou i’m a little invested in what you’ll say next — seeing as though a lots on the line right ? “

your heart clenched at his words as you bit your lip the screams and echos of peoples voices coming in your ears and never leaving

You couldn’t figure out what to say or at least what to mean when you said it

much less how to say it

Which is why you sat shaking as someone’s small touch made the words tumble out of your mouth as you grabbed the persons hands

You stood up as you faced everyone dropping your grasp on Todorokis hand before you screamed

“ I don’t— I— I can’t because—“

Your voice was drowned out as the bell rang it’s noise moving through your head

Your body moving in a heat of adrenaline as you grabbed todorokis hand and yanked him along with you out of the classroom

“ y-y/n I— this isn’t you being very nice to someone who just confessed to you “

You both stopped in the hallway as he stared down on you his eyes capturing you in a look of curiosity “ why are you looking at me lik- “

“ he’s gonna hate me-i didn’t know he felt that way—maybe my own advances were wrong i-i’m sorry“ you said lowly as you looked up expecting to see a different look than the basic one you saw on the males face

“ i— shoto why dont you care “

his face went straight in confusion“ I-Im not understanding what you mean my love “

“ shoto we “

“ you could have simply said no —what’s the problem here“

“ it was a love confession “

“ that you could have said no to “ he laughed

“ my love your taking all of this too seriously— I simply said I dont care if people know but their nosy so let’s keep quiet — your the one who keeps dragging things out into daylight and making them obvious and hurting people“

“ how was I suppose to just tell him no “

“ did you want to tell him yes “

“ well no but “

“ then your not just telling him no your saying no because you don’t want to date him “

he smiled as he kissed you softly “ and because you have a boyfriend “

Your hands moving to hold him tightly in a hug as he laid his head in the crook of your neck.

The clacking of shoes on the floor sounding from hallways down from the both of you as anxiousness and sadness radiated from the spot someone stood

So , no I don’t believe Denki is dumb seeing as though he was smart enough to not ask you out because he was the only one who caught on to your underlying messages with shoto

No, I don’t believe he’s dumb because he’s the only one who darted out to look for you after the bell to bring you your favorite eraser you’d worn down and to care for you even though he knew someone would already be there with you.

I actually can’t say if I think Denki is dumb or smart because he’s the same one who’s crumbled up in a ball on the floor in love with a person he’d never be able to have

Seeing as though his quirk wasn’t compatible with yours which is why you two didn’t get paired up on the day you first met for quirk training

Which is also why he got cut off by his own partner when he tried to talk to you seeing as though your were the new kid

The new beautiful kid

And todoroki was the partner — he envied— the one he envies

The one who took his place as the guy kissing you in the middle of the hallway taking your breath away with a small thumb rub across your cheek

Denki Kaminari is neither smart nor Dumb

Denki Kaminari is just an intelligently naive respectful guy in a one-sided battle with himself who got caught up in a diagnosis of an idiotic sickness made up of stupid emotions he can’t seem to let go

or to put it simply

Denki Kaminari Is stuck in a unrequited love affair

[idjitlili]

I can be the God of your Orgasm.

Loki x reader

(Not my image)

Summary:Some how ending up in Sakaar ,Valkyrie ends up taking you under her wing,no not her horse Aragorn,for a year ,until some Gods show up.

Word count:1768

Warnings:Language

A/n: Couldn’t end it , last time I touched this was October. Uhm, there’s a picture of Bowie, probably TMI here, but he was the first man , I ever you know over.Double aswell. I’m sorry.

You just a young woman in y/c ,heading to college your average routine ,but you never made it. Instead you had tripped over into a puddle ,but yet again you were decieved ,it was a portal. You hadn't/only left your country ,let alone been on another planet. You didn't think that was even possible;magic nor to be able to breathe on an different planet,well that was what you were told by the government. No you weren't a flat earther,thats bloody stupid. However you felt like the government hid a lot.

Michael Jacksons death,Heath Ledgers death,River Phoenix's death, Princess Diana's death , David Bowie, Obi-wan,it just seemed a little suspicous, not saying it was definitely them covering up the murders but...

Anyways so you fell into the puddle into a some rubbish ,literal rubbish. You had no idea what happened ,when Valkyrie found you she didn't either. God damn Benedict cumpatch stay in america with your fake american accent. Just stay away ,don't really want to be assassainated for being best buds with Sherlock Holmes and Dildo Gaggins.

Valkyrie had felt bad for such a young mortal being in an strange planet,she couldn't bare to bring you to Grandmaster ,to be apart of his orgies. he was indeed a tough warrior much like Dwalin the dwarf from the hobbit,who funfact is the longest living dwarf living up to 300 years,yes irrelvent.

Thus, you lived with her ,you managed to get a part time job as a cook,just so you didn't feel so bad about living with Valkyrie rent free. When I say part time cook ,I mean you just cooked for you and her,you didn't trust this planet. It was lucky when you fell in that puddle the stuff in your backpack didn't get wet,so you had some books to read,and such.

To be far being away from home stuck on an alien planet really did get boring ,you'd hate to admit it but sometimes you had to go to visit Hulk,because he was sorta normal. No he was not but he was okay ,like a destructive toddler but it was better than being alone. Other than that you really missed home ,you missed tv,you missed ice cream.

Pretty much everyday was boring. Well after almost a year of being here ,Valkyrie had brought a guest to your shared apartment thing. The God you had seen on the television a couple years ago. You had been sitting on the sofa reading at the time ,you jumped so hard when the door slammed open,you had looked up to see valkyrie shoving down a dark haired man in chains.

"Uhhh, are you allowed to kidnap people here?" you had questioned ,causing Valkyrie and the guy turn to you ,you had recognised him after a moment of trying to pin point his face. "I don't think that will hold him...h-he's-"

"Just stay away from him ,don't talk to him,don't look at him,hell don't even think about him,I will be back with Thor ,and then we can get you home, Y/n. So pack your things ." Soon as she had mentioned going home you had already started gathering your things,as Valkyrie had left after the God of Thunder. No you didn't go to the big battle compitions and Valkyrie certainly did not tell you she had found Thor ,but it didn't matter you were going home.

It didn't take you long to pack soon,you had your shoes on and everything sitting on the sofa ,twiddling your thumbs,feeling Loki's gaze on you. What's up with in love stories men staring , oh shut up you are just jealous because you can't even get a boyfriend ,stupid scribe.

"she said not to think about you...can you read minds?" you had questioned ,just really because that gaze he had on you made you feel proper ugly ,in which you were not. He had scoffed at you.

"I'm not a witch."

"I never said you were,you are a God ,must be better than having a hammer, it's like a normal hammer with steriods."

"Ah..so you have heard of me," He had smirked to himself ,you had just looked back at you hands before reaching for your bag grabbing your journal and ink,before just scribbing doodles on a clean page.Loki didn't speak after that not until you did again ten minutes later ,probably less time goes slow when the mood is a drag.

"the thing with new York, that was because of Thanos? People have controlled me by making me feel guilty so many times..OH manipulation ,you probably don't want to hear what I have to say,but I can't help it ,i've been stuck here a year the only person I got to speak to is drunk Valkyrie and hulk in which I feel like I am talking to a child. You know what I really wish I was watching Lord of the rings right-"

"You are from earth,how did you end up here?" He had grinned at you,cutting you off,isn't he like a mass murderer? Well he was tricked into doing it ,so more like accidental murderer ,why is he so handsome. Don't be stupid he is a God of course he is handsome.

"Uh..I fell into a puddle then I was here." The God had turned his head away to the floor ,scrunching his eyebrows together in confusion.

"I don't see how that's possible."

"Well it happene-" Yet you were cut off again,as the door slammed open,you quickly turned away back to your notebook,Thor ,Bruce and Valkyrie stood at the door.

You missed what happened first ,Loki having things thrown at him ,and such,you only looked up when he said something about spaceships,seeing Bruce. Your eyes glittered with excitement , Thor saw this. "Oh my! I can't believe it's-2 Thor had shook his head for you not say it. "Radiation scientist,Bruce Banner, damn,now I must say this is much more exciting than a hammer,which you don't have what's up with that? Hey Bruce how you feeling?Green? Darn, imagine being strongest Avenger!"

Thor had scoffed at you,"Does she always talk this much?"Bruce had made his way over to you smiling at you as you stood up. "It is so cool to meet you mister Banner."

"Thank you miss..." "Y/n" He had smiled at you again before turning to Thor ,"see strongest Avenger,yep that's me."

"well then ,let' hope we can get home,just first we are to go to Asgard."

***

"Valkyrie ,I'm going to stay with Dwayne Johnson,I have no fighting skills so it's better if come I after," you had gestured to Korg.

"Alright then, I'll see you if I don't die" And with that she left you with the aliens,smiling up to them.

"The revolution has begun."

***

"Hey, what's this?"

"Thank you." You had stood next to Korg as he had powered down the taser device on Loki's body,you had stood rocking on your balls of your feet in excitement to get home.

"Hey,man. We're about to jump on that ginormous spaceship. You wanna come?" Loki had jumped up,his hair a messy ,from the intense pain he had just suffered,from betraying his brother yet again.

"well you do seem like you're in desperate need of leadership." The smirk was interweaved into his voice, smooth as his greasy hair.

"Why, thank you."

"Hurry up! It has been too long since I've seen the dance seen in the james franco spiderman three!" You rushed forwards grabbing a hold of the mischief makers arm dragging him towards the ship. "Talkative and touchy," Loki just allowed you to drag him,with him supposively being evil,grinning.

***

"uhhh, what's the chances of as all dying horribly? Do you think if i pretend to be dead she wouldn't notice?" Loki was driving the space ship,whilst you sat in the seat next to him,all the alien people sat or stood behind. You really be riding shotgun on a spaceship,it was you or korg.

Loki did not answer you , yet just slightly smiled glancing to you briefly, not a good sign, you'd think with two Gods you'd be fine ,but clearly not. "Hey do you think if Thor had to fight I don't know- AHH" You weren't sure who you meant to say as you face planted into the spaceship's floor,as Loki's flying had stopped so suddenly causing a jolt. You had laughed to your lesson quietly,patheticly in honesty ,covering up how embarrassing that was.

You felt as if you were Mantis ,when Drax had informed her to watch out after she got hit in the face.  All you could think was there's like a bunch of aliens on this ship and it's guaranteed at least 3 have just seen you face plant.  "Okay , that makes me wish that I was on Thors spaceship right now." Your hair in your face, forearms pressed against the cold metal floor.

"What does he have that I don't?" His voice seeped with sarcasm, okay maybe not he was probably just annoyed that a midgardian was aboard and could not shut up.

"He probably can fly this thing better, well it's probably Bruce but that's even better , do you even know how many PHDs he has?"

"Honestly I do not know and do not care."

"Wow that's not very nice . He has..wait I dont -" The smirk on Loki's face was stamped deep, as he pulled you out of your concentration by doing so. "Shut up I bet you say to all your lovers, ‘If you givee a chance I can be the god of your orgasm’” Honestly you don’t know what made you think of that , something tells you it’s to do with a dude that reads a lot of smut named Blake. Actually the author doesn’t know if he does but..

“Thank you darling, for the new material.”

[sipsteainanxiety]

binge read forget me not and oh my goddd!!! okay butt i litetally hated the trainer dude (im not good names sorry) in the start cuz i was like 😤😤 this dude is wayyy too much like bakugo and he's OBVIOUSLY replacing bakugo and name will fall for him and bakugo will spend the rest of his life in utter loneliness😔😔...... and then i was like 'o' maybe its bakugo in disguise and i felt so stupid for the next 20 minutes :/

alsooo like i lovee the way you wrote the whole trauma and the kidnapping and the torture thingy! i love the way name doesnt give upp!! i mean if i were in her place id just give up within the first 10 minutes so her strong spirit is really cool (cool? that's the best adjective ive got???) the way you wrote her character really makes her seem soooo real!!!

also rq but when mitsuki was all screaming at her parents was it cuz of saki being name and bakuhoe's kid?? or was there something else too?? (.....are bakuhoe and name secretly married......)

also i wonder how name would react when she finds out that trainer bro is apparently the crimson eyed scary bro! (i think that she's gonna FREAK if she finds out like.... right now?) i mean like YAYYYY angst but also 😭😭😭🥲🥲🥲🥲 angst

alsoo i wonder if dr. shin and his boss dude will make another appearance (was name just hallucinating when she saw him?? also why didnt she tell deku and all might that time when she saw dr. shin and deku was like right there?)! anddd what kinda experiments were they gonna do on the kid? is there something actually special about the kid (maybe like eri?) or is it just them being bitches because evil organization of course they're gonna do experiments on kids 😔😔 Also why name of all people? is there something special about her? i mean yea she's some rlly cool hero but like they could've done the experiments on anyone i mean look at the rising population there's no shortage of humans on this planett!! is it because some grudge against bakugo or something? also how was bakugo to blame for name's kidnapping? (her parents said that right?) how did making her hate bakugo profit the evil doctor? also did they actually plan on letting her out?? because??? it wont make sense for them to spend so much time making her hate bakugo if they wanted her to stay in the facility forever

dam i have a lot of questions!!! i really liked your fic tho! really had me thinking and it has a rlly interesting plot!

whewwwew this is a long ask omg i love it 😳 i saw u popping up in my notifs LMFAO im glad u like the fic so much!!! 🥺♥️ poured my goddamn soul into that shit 😤😤😤 everyday im feening to fight god bc of little plot intricacies ive had to grapple with in the background LOL but it works out in the end. mostly

haha idk what ur talking about this is actually an oc x reader 😌 fukui the loml ♥️ my brainchild ♥️

yeah all that trauma and kidnapping stuff was something i really wanted to explore in this story. not only to make it more meaningful but also to test my limits as a writer. there are a bunch of little details ive written throughout the story tht serves as an indication for specific side effects of reader having gone thru…. well... All That. i did my best with it! do i think it could be better? probably. 😩😩 but ill leave it how it is instead of picking at it as i tend to do LMAO

also same if i was in reader’s shoes id literally just give up within like five minutes LOL but i wanted her to be strong esp with her being a pro hero, so 😌😌😌 sis ended up being p badass

LOL ur not gonna get any spoilers from me miss ma’am 😌 im like. halfway? 3/4ths? done with the next chapter tho but idk when ill be able to finish it with uni and all. and i have to type out a detailed outline for the remaining chapters to make sure i address everything i wanna address LMAO and then have my friend beta everything…. so much to do, so little time 💔

i promise ur questions will be answered eventually! seriously we dont even have much more left lol. i just hope everything meets expectations cuz damn i rly strung yall along on this angsty journey LMAO

[fluffyglass]

THE MR. FUSSY A BITCH MASTERPOST

I essentially remade the Mr. Rude apologism masterpost but with Mr. Fussy this time, in an attempt to see whether my newfound disliking of Mr. Fussy is justified or not. I've watched every single Mr. Fussy segment and determined whether he's an asshole or not, simple as that.

Season 1

Mr. Fussy is in 42 episodes in Season 1.

In 8 of these episodes does he do something wrong.

Season 2

Mr. Fussy is in 39 episodes in Season 2.

In 9 of these episodes does he do something wrong.

Conclusions

In total, Mr. Fussy did something wrong in 17 out of the 81 segments he's in, which is 20%. Counting the 7 I was unsure about, that's 23/81. 28%. Welp, that means I proved my point in doing this in the first place, I guess! It's official! Based off of my own data, Mr. Fussy is technically a bigger asshole than Mr. Rude!

Am I gonna do every single character? Probably.

Here, take my episode by episode analysis.

Welcome to the Episode by Episode analysis! Same colors as last time, minus blue as. Obviously he can't yell at himself.

Yellow - Mr. Fussy does nothing wrong

Red - Mr. Fussy does something wrong

Pink - I have no idea what to put for this one lmao

SEASON 1

Flying - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just wants to know if the pillow's clean. Even if he's a bit of a dick about it. Mr. Grumpy's the one who . yknow. kidnapped Mr. Bounce

Music - MR FUSSY A BITCH! He unfairly blamed Mr. Rude when Miss Naughty's the one who ruined the first performance :(

Physical - He doesn't do anything wrong, he was just judging the physical performance in his first bit and just participating in the relay race in his second bit

Farm - He doesn't do anything wrong he just got yeeted lmao

Lake - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Scatterbrain is just a moron

Beach - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just got justifiably mad at Mr. Scatterbrain for being a moron

Booboos - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just helped out Mr. Nervous with his splinter

Mall - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy is just gross

Books - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Camping - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! Why the fuck did you invite Miss Chatterbox if you wanted silence, you fuck? She legit just wanted to tell him that she saw the bird :(

Science - Mr. Fussy a bitch to the frogs smh

Paint - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy just isn't very considerate :(

Jobs - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Tickle a dumbass

Trains - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! Mr. Rude was literally just living his life you stuck up prick

Hobbies - MR. FUSSY a bit of a bitch? Like, he could've told Miss Naughty in advance that her performance was cancelled :( also he was a dick about it

Fair - he doesn't do anything wrong Miss Naughty's just a bitch

Movies - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Dance - he's barely in it and he's nice :)

Amusement Park - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just a dumbass

Rainy Day - he doesn't do anything wrong, even if he insulted Miss Calamity for no reason. He's just a bit of a dumbass

Dillydale Day - his only real crime is that terrible musical number he's in

Games - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Hotel - I love this bit so much holy fuck he doesn't do anything wrong also hes GAY and its AWESOME

Chores - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just like that

Snow - he doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy's just not very considerate

Food - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He's mean to Mr. Messy :(

Wildlife - he doesn't do anything wrong, cause he didn't mean to call Mr. Messy a repulsive animal

Restaurants - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! I don't wanna rewatch this one it makes me sad :(

Bugs - he's barely in it and he loses his fucking moustache what the fuck

Circus - hes kinda mean to everyone but not enough for me to count it

Cars - I DONT EVEN KNOW MAN HE'S NOT REALLY BAD HE'S JUST FUCKING STUPID

Canned Goods - he's barely in it and just kinda. exists

Ships - he barely even does anything in the bit he has

Cooking - he doesn't do anything wrong ig

Collecting - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He stole Mr. Messy's shoes and then destroyed his stuff cause he thought it was gross :(

Heatwave - he doesn't do anything wrong mr messy is just mr messy

Sleep - he doesn't do anything wrong

Carwash - I cant say for sure, I refuse to watch this segment again

Sightseeing - he doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy is just nasty. He's kind of a dick to him though

The Dark - I really don't know on this one. He's kinda mean throughout it but not enough to count but also i kinda wanna count it?? cause hes mean to mr messy a lot??? its weird, he also didnt let mr messy back into his house when he was scared :(

Parade - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He made fun of both Mr. Rude and Mr. Messy's floats and made up a rule specifically against Mr. Messy which is super fucked up man

SEASON 2

Picnics - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn is just laughably stupid

Driving - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He didn't want to help Miss Chatterbox and Mr. Tickle, and even tried to ignore Miss Scary and Mr. Quiet rather than help them :(

Outer Space - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He asks Miss Scary and Miss Naughty "what's wrong with them" when they were just having fun, and doesn't believe them when the real aliens show up :(

Clean Teeth - does this even count as him being an asshole? like yeah he freaks out on Mr. Rude but he's kinda justified in doing it?? this shouldnt count as him being an asshole but I like mr. rude so. yeah, i'm biased. im not counting this one as mr fussy a bitch but im not giving it a yellow. like, he also calls him disgusting and is a dick the entire time but he's in the right so . ???????? he also calls mr messy gross at the end what am i supposed to do here

Airports - hes a bit of a dick but yeah he was gonna miss his flight thats justified

Shoes - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just trying his best

Arts and Crafts - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He's mean to Mr. Strong and Mr. Messy, and even calls Mr. Messy's art junk :(

Game Shows - he doesn't do anything wrong, he even makes Mr. Happy a quilt :) Mr. Stubborn is just a fucking moron NEVERMIND MR FUSSY STOLE THE FUCKING QUILT BACK???? RUDE

Garages - he's actually really really nice in this bit!! :D he let Mr. Messy keep his bike in his garage and put off mopping his floor to hang out with Mr. Nosey and Mr. Small :)

Eyeglasses - he's barely in it and is fine ig

Toys - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! oh my fucking god he was doing so good and then right at the end he had to go and be a sore loser, call Mr. Messy disgusting, etc. fucker

Hats - he does nothing wrong, he just wants a hat

Robots - he just lost his bread man

Parties - another gay icon segment! hes pretty poggrs

Up and Down - hes barely in it and hes good

Dining Out - hes fine ig? kind of a dick but not especially so

Gifts - is his fucking birthday hell yea

Telephone - once again i refuse to watch it, i'm assuming he's fine

Seashore - he just vibed the entire time

Washing & Drying - he kinda just existed

Sneezes & Hiccups - yeah. he yells at mr messy for something he cant control but. yehjv

Radio - miss helpful you dumbass

Supermarket - he just wanted some cereal man

Cinema - dude a bunch of gay men invaded his car

Getting Around - yeah

Pets - im getting tired of writing notes hes good ig

Dance Dance Dance - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! for one, he's mean to Mr. Rude the entire time, for two, he completely fucking drags Miss Scary's performance the entire time, and for three - he talks through it the entire time! fucker!!!

Library - just wanted his book man

Pirates - yeah

Goo - Miss Naughty you fucking bitch fucjk you fucky ou fuck you! FUCK YOU!!!!

Trains and Planes - he's kind of dickish but otherwise fine

Lunch - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! For one, why the fuck did you invite Mr. Messy if you didn't want "messiness" at your pristine fucking picnic, why the fuck did you invite Miss Chatterbox if you didn't want her talking, etc, but he's also very ignorant of Mr. Quiet's warnings of the bear ):(

Machines - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BUY MR. MESSY A MACHINE THAT CLEANS HIS HOUSE??? AGAINST HIS WISHES??? AND HE FUCKING SPECIFICALLY ASKS TO GET IT OUT BUT YOU DONT FUCKING LISTEN AND PROCEED TO CRITICISE HIM??? IT'S HIS FUCKING SPACE, FOR ONE, AND YOU KNOW CLEANLINESS MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE! YOU FUCK! im so fucking mad

Birds - he doesn't do anything wrong he gets fucking yeeted

Bath and Bubbles - this is the only Mr. Fussy bit where he's actually happy at the end and yknow what? boyboss moment

Sand and Surf - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! I know this is a trend but yes, he's a dick to Mr. Quiet and ignores everything he says.

Parks - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He spends the entire segment bullying Mr. Messy and I am tired of it

Travel - hes kinda dickish the entire time but mmmmmyeah

Bad Weather - i didnt want to watch this one again cause it sucks, i'm assuming he's fine

If you've read to the bottom, then I'm sure you're actually interested in what I have to say about him/the other mr men and little misses. Because I'm definitely going to be doing more of these, please acknowledge going forward that I am one, singular teenager. A teenager susceptible to my own bias, especially when it comes to some of the "negative" characters. Don't take my percentages and data too seriously, as it's all technically based off of my opinions of each segment. Ok bye bye Mr. Noisy's next

[naptoons]

Heyyy girl can I request a nick imagine where we are quarantined with the rest of the boys?

Hey dear!! And You got it darling!!

Polaroids- Nick Mara

Summary: being stuck in the house with your bestfriends seemed fine for a while but it started to make you anxious when you have to see nick everyday. Also known as your crush.

Warnings: fluff is all.

A/N: I hope this is good my dear!! But I had so much fun writing this one. I was in my feels today so fluff it is! I love taking requests they’re so fun.

Proofread: yes/no

You only meant to visit the boys and hang out with them, then leave the following week. You were in town for a vacation from college. Spring break made you happy finally a break from everything stressful.

Now here you are stuck with the boys with no way of going home because of this pandemic. Not that you didn’t mind being with them, it’s just that you were soon running out of clothes and your car was stuck at the airport in your hometown. Nick ended up sparing some of his clothes with you, while you ordered some to be shipped. While wearing his clothes Zion and Edwin would constantly tease you about it “Aw look at you being a cute girlfriend” Zion teased

“Shut the fuck up Zion” you spat, having the desire to strangle him

“What he is your boyfriend, so actually ask him out dude!, what are you scared of?”

“Rejection, ending a friendship, awkward moments” you defend yourself

“Oh shut up dude, it could never end y’all relationship, y’all are closer than us and we’re a band, we also live together!” Zion counterattacks, you look at Edwin to see if he agrees, to which he nods as he places his phone down. “Zion is right, most times he isn’t be this time he is right”

“But listen! It can get awkward because if he says he doesn’t feel the same way about me then where am I going to sleep? I sleep in nick’s room and plus I’m stuck here with him”

“Aye! Don’t act like we kidnapped you!” Edwin throws a pillow at you, squinting your eyes you throw it back at him to which he blocks it out his way.

“Listen it’s no or never, people can only wait for so long before they give up” Zion ruffles your hair before heading towards the closet “board game night!!” Edwin yells towards Zion, what if everything he said was true. What if your fear was slowly making nick fall out of love with you. But what if he never liked you at all. Standing up you walked towards his room to grab your Polaroid camera and films but bumped into a shirtless nick head first. Bouncing back you night your lower lip staring at your toes.

“Where you going speedy?” Nick laughs slightly, brushes his thumbs against your cheek, calling you ‘speedy’ was a joke between you guys, because anytime you were passionate or nervous about something you spoke so fast. That no one could comprehend, but nick does.

“Just-just going to the room to grab my camera, we’re having board game night you should join!” You smile your heart pounding against your ribcage, you walk into the room searching for your camera, as you found the films first, you heard the door close along with the closet being opened and closed. Turning around nick was closer to you than you thought. Almost tripping over your shoes on his floor, he grabbed you by your waist crashing you into his chest.

“Are you okay y/n? You’ve been hella jittery lately” nick furrows his eyes in confusion, your ears starting to flood up in color, you couldn’t even look him in the eyes without your face turning red. “Nothing— im okay just thinking a lot you know?” Nick’s eyes shallowing in disbelief he really wants to help you, he cares about you so much and never wants you to deal with heavy emotions alone.

“Hey dont look at me like that” you start off while rubbing his forearm “I’ll be okay I swear, I am okay”

Nick’s eyes shifting whole examining your whole face, Nick wondered how you’re so beautiful inside and out, and no has treated you the way you treat others. “M’kay” Nick answers “you got your Polaroid?”

“No, I have no clue where I put it” you chew on your lower lip looking through the nightstand drawers, Nick chuckles while sitting on the bed, his fingers dig into your waist “were you that wine drunk you forgot where you placed it?” Nick smiles, causing goosebumps to scale your arms “you placed it in the closet ma” you gasp, then punch him slightly, walking towards the closet you open it seeing it sit right on top of his folded clothes.

“You’re beautiful” Nick mummers, you turn back around to see him laying on his back, showing off the ink layered on his body, you try not to smile but he always has a way with words to make you weak in the knees. “You’re handsome” you reply

“Dare I say we make a great couple” Nick teases, you roll your eyes pulling him up to his feet “yeah we would” you beam brighter, Nick meant it and so did you. But both of y’all joke that way, and neither of you knew if one was being serious or was joking.

Coming into the living room the boys were sitting on the floor sitting around the coffee table “finally mom and dad are here!” Edwin jokes

“They were probably making our niece or nephew back there” Zion comments, grabbing the nearest thing you could find you throw it at Zion, which ultimately turns your face red. Sitting on the floor nick sits next to you. “What are we playing?” You ask

“We figure you’d pick, since you’re our guest” Brandon comments

“Aw, how sweet, let’s play clue” you excitedly grab the box,

“Oh shit, y’all are in for a treat” nick boosts your excitement

“Damnit, right y/n loves solving mysteries”

Couple of minutes later you guys were yelling who you think is the murder, your suggestions told you zion was the murder, so when it was your turn you squint your eyes at him. “Hm, Zion come with me, i think you’re the murder” after talking to Zion, he ended up showing everyone his cards pointing him as the murder. Everyone looked in shock while nick’s eyes swam in love. Everyday you never failed to surprise him. Sitting back down next to nick you smile rubbing your nose against his,while his arm is on the back of the couch. All of a sudden you see a flash on the corner of your eyes. Turning around Edwin hands you the film smiling.

“Do we look good?” Nick jokes

“When dont y’all look good” Edwin replies

“Fashion couple” Brandon adds, you turn your head in nick arm attempting to hide your face.

After a couple of hours you guys played more board games, you let Edwin dye your hair purple, painted in the backyard and played in the pool. Today was a great day. And nick was slowly getting more and more agitated with how he couldn’t just tell you how he felt. Watching movies with you and the boys in the backyard, you guys made a tiny little campfire as y’all at s’mores and drank hot cocoa. Your hair still a little damped , he ran his fingers through it. You turn towards him only inches away from his lips. Your breath caught in a turmoil.

“I can’t do this anymore” nick whispers above your lips

“Do what?” You ask, instead nick just cups your face pressing his lips upon yours, placing your hand on his wrist. Everything else began to fade away, and everything Zion said was right. It couldn’t be more awkward. Because he felt the same. Seeing a flash go off in the background nick pulls away, you cover your face in his arms, Nick pulls you in closer caressing your ear lobe with his thumb.

“OTP!!” Edwin yells, you laugh purely out of nervousness, while nick soaks it all in, never being ashamed of how much he loves you. Nick kisses the top of your head “mm, I love you” nick tells you.

Cuddling in bed you guys look at all the Polaroid pictures they took of you two and everything else. Grabbing a marker from the nightstand you write down the dates on them and stick them on the cork board you and nick started since the quarantine. looking back at it for a better view. You feel nick place his chin on your shoulder softly kissing your neck.

Caressing his forearm that’s wrapped around your waist “Hmm, this is going to look great on my wall when I get home” you joke nick pouts just thinking about it, now that you were his girlfriend and you were here for a while, he couldn’t phantom you being away from him. “Aww baby, dont be sad my love, I promise I’ll leave something behind that smells like me”

Nick rolls his eyes in sarcasm while chuckling at your comment, you lay your head on his chest running your fingers over the ink on his skin “by the way, I hope you remember I do graduate in two months, so I’ll be with you for a while”

Nick smiles letting out a huge sigh of relief, one had grabbing your jaw he kisses you all over your face finally reaching your lips “god I fucking love you”

Giggling into the kiss you smile “hm I love you more”

[fairly-small-love]

Fairly Small Asks (5)

Anonymous asked: Snake what are you gonna do now that you know the truth about the fae? -🦊

“What truth? He has proven nothing.” Snake huffed, setting Virgil onto his shoulder. “Come along, I’ll prove you wrong.” He kept walking, ignoring Virgil’s protests.

Anonymous asked: Maybe you should leave Virgil behind in case he is telling the truth then? -🦊

“He could get lost and hurt,” Dee answered, sighing. “Besides that I want to prove him wrong. And the only way to do that is to take him with me.”

Anonymous asked: Why do you write Patton so unsympathetic?

AN: Because I feel that fae Morality is kind of skewed. When I think of a fae, I think that their morals and codes are different than humans. ie, how Patton doesn’t see that he kidnapped people, because they came to him. But basically, he is so unsympathetic just cause I said so   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And I kinda like the fact of an unsympathetic Patton.

Anonymous asked: Why does Roman have a middle name?

“Because I do,” Roman huffed, pouting. “A lot of people have a middle name! See like Logan has one, and the new emo guy has one….and I bet whoever Patton’s next target is has one.”

“You can’t assume that,” Logan explained. “If he doesn’t have a middle name, I’m not sure if he can be taken by Patton.”

“Lucky him.”

Anonymous asked: Snake do you really think meeting up with a fae is a good idea? -🦊

“Yes I do,” He informed, cupping his hand around Virgil as the tiny man tried to slip down his shoulder. “Patton is my friend, and he doesn’t care about my…….deformities.” He reached up, patting his cheek. He felt a few rough bumps, knowing that they were the snake scales he was so ashamed of. Patton liked them, and that made him feel nice.

Anonymous asked: Because you’ve had your fun, he’s been up there way too long -🦊

“Fine,” Snake huffed, putting Virgil down. “So…Ann, why is Patton mean?”

“He kidnapped me and two other guys!”

“Do you have any proof?”

Virgil paused, looking down. “N-No but I….he put this on me,” Virgil explained, tugging on the silver collar with a blue jewel inside of it. “See?”

Anonymous asked: Virgil maybe you can hide in one of Snakes pockets? -🦊

“C-Can I?” Virgil asked hopefully, looking up at Snake.

Snake looked at him, nodding. “Sure, whatever.” He lifted Virgil up, holding him a moment and rubbing Virgil’s head with his thumb. He didn’t set Virgil in his pocket until the tiny man started squirming.

Virgil curled up, leaning against Snake’s chest. He heart a strong heartbeat under his ear, causing him to relax.

just-some-gt-trash asked: How small is Virgil compared to you snake?

“I’m not quite sure,” Snake admitted, reaching into the pocket. He wrapped his entire hand around Virgil, ignoring the curses he received. “I can easily curl my entire hand around him, so he is fairly small.” He let go, wincing when he received a punch to the chest. “That was uncalled for.”

“Asshole!”

Anonymous asked: Snake please tell me you will at least consider the possibility that the tiny dude is telling the truth? Also not tell Patton about him? -🐺

“Why? I considered it a long time ago, before I met mister midget.”

“Hey!”

“I trust Patton. I know he would never do anything to hurt me……he seems like a good fae.”

Anonymous asked: Hey Snake, you believe the tiny dude about Patton right? Or are at least willing to hear him out? Also not tell Patton about him. -🐺

“I won’t tell Patton he is with me, But I don’t believe him for a second. Why should I trust a complete stranger? Especially this random tiny guy who just ran into my shoe? Would you trust him?”

Anonymous asked: Just be cautious. He must have some reasoning behind telling you that Patton is bad, right? 🐺

“Patton isn’t bad,” Dee hissed, his eyes turning to slits. “He is a good guy! He appreciates me for me and my deformities unlike anyone else! I bet the midget is disgusted by them!”

“No I’m-” Virgil was cut off when a giant finger covered his mouth, silencing him once again.

“He brings me treasures and flowers and things……..I think he loves me.”

just-some-gt-trash asked: Patton did you find Virgil?

“No I didn’t!” Patton snapped, his face red with rage. “I know you know where he is! Where is my Virgil Ann!? Give him back! He is mine!”

Dee heard screaming in the woods, which caused him to pause. “What on Earth is that howling?”

Anonymous asked: Virgil, snake is getting close to where Patton is. Whatever you do don’t move or make noise! 🐺

Virgil nodded, tensing. He was terrified, frozen in fear. He hated this. He felt trapped and cornered. If he stayed with Snake, he might get caught. If he leaved and runs, he is either going to get caught or eaten. Neither option sounds good.

just-some-gt-trash asked: You really want to know? Maybe you should talk to Snake before I tell you, I think he’s coming

“Snake is here!?” Patton squeaked, his eyes fearful. “He can’t find Virgil! If he does he will run away from me!”

Anonymous asked: Snake already found Virgil-

“What!?” Patton screamed, hissing. “How dare that jewel! I thought he knew better than that!” His plans were ruined! Unless……

A smirk broke out on Patton’s face. “I’ll be sure to punish Virgil after all this is over. Forget the positive reinforcement nonsense….he is naughty. And naughty treasures get punished.”

Anonymous asked: No don't punish Virgil or he'll run again!!! Snake doesn't believe him Patton!

“I’ll lock him up!” Patton shouted, kicking over a dandelion. “And it’s a good thing Snake didn’t believe him! Or else his punishment would get worse!”

Anonymous asked: Virgil, Patton knows! He knows you're with Snake!

“What!?” Virgil cried out, his eyes wide with terror. “How did he find out!?”

Anonymous asked: ANON! Why would you tell him?! Patton Snake hasn’t found anyone calling themselves Virgil. Honest. -🐺

“Liar!” Patton screamed, hissing. “I don’t believe you! You are all jerks! I know where he is! I know it!”

just-some-gt-trash asked: Lets not be that rude on Virgil, I mean, most humans try to escape when something is bigger than them for instinct

“True I suppose, at least that would be the case if he were human,” Snake hummed, nodding. “He isn’t a human, not in the slightest. But I suppose any thing’s natural response is to run away from larger enemies.”

just-some-gt-trash asked: I think Virgil will hate me for this, but Patton, you did something earlier that made Virgil appear on your hand, can’t you do it again?

“I…..that is true,” Patton mumbled, contemplating the Idea. “I could….but I don’t want to waste magic if he is coming to me.”

Anonymous asked: Virgil you gotta escape! You gotta run!! Snake don't give Patton your name or tell him about Virgil! He's REALLY mad!

Virgil tried to climb out of the pocket, struggling to lift himself up. “Let me go! He is going to get me!”

“I told you I won’t give him my name!” Dee snapped, hissing. “And as long as the midget is quite Patton won’t know he is even there!”

Anonymous asked: Snake whatever you do DONT GIVE THE LITTLE DUDE TO PATTON🐺

“I WON’T GIVE THE THING TO PATTON! GET OFF MY BACK!” he roared, drawing a certain fae’s attention.

“Snake! You’re here!”

[idjitlili]

Heat of the moment

Thorin x reader

As requested on quotev , by a lovely reader, they wanted more thorin so here you are.

Summary: you end up in middle earth , only to fall for the dwarven king.

N/o/p= number of pillows Chips= fries , we British here, plus in lotr Sam calls them chips so that's how it's gonna be. Fries are skinny chips. Word count:2673

It was a day in July , well night you had fell asleep in your bed in your room on your n/o/p ,nice and toasty. You had been dreaming about eating a nice bunch of chips , golden thick potatoes. They tasted like keanu reeves love in a potato. oh how you wish to real live that, but you were roughly awoke by something prickly poking you. "Five more minutes ,mummy /mommy/mama." You groaned as the thing stopped poking you, you felt rough ground stabbing your back as you rolled over.

You felt under you with your left hand to only to feel your mattress sheet not your mattress , and just your fluffy blanket you used in the summer instead of the duvet somethings. You slowly opened your eyes , as the bright light hit your eyes , causing you to groan again rubbing your eyes to make them focus. When you opened them again you were faced with a bunch of short men and an old man and an even shorter man. You look at them wide eye, as hatted dwarf held a stick that poked you they look at you in confusion some held weapons.

"Why are you in my room?!" You had almost shouted , grabbing a pillow holding it up in defence,you looked pretty bad,what you gonna do braid eachothers hair and have a pillow fight. Its only lucky that you had put your new pair of shoes in their box on the other side of your bed ,with socks so you could cherish them. Well be ready for the next day,to wear them inside.Little did you know would be travelling with these short men,due to the wizards say so. "uh,lass this is the forest." the short man with the stick and hat had spoken up causing you to gasp when noticed you were in a forest,and so was your bed,you could ony come up with answer to this mess...

"HElp! I've been kidnapped." you had shouted,remove your blanket pulling on your socks and shoes ,standing up,before you can run the majestic hair dwarf shouts. "circle her lads," and with that a barrier of short men surround you. You stood on your bedding ,luckily in clean shoes ,and your night clothes aka a strappy top,with your favourite tv show characters on it,and the shorts that come with,and yeah they are short. You were exposed by strange men ,and you didnt like that,your bust on show and yours ass if you bent over. Thats what she said.

You picked up your blanket ,placing the pillow down,wrapping it around you ,to cover youself. "what do you want from me?" you had spoke anooyed by the sitution,though the majestic man was quite the looker,if you were honest."your the only that fell out of the sky,what do you want?" A short ginger one had growled ,pissed off."what Gloin is trying to say is that we never touched you ,Dwalin was on watch when you fell ,we do not know how you didnt wake up from the impact." the shoretest man that reminded you very much of John waston from sherlock.

You didnt know what to think of the sitution ,then the man that was apparently a wizard spoke to you and the majestic man privately,saying that he was going to try get you home ,after you admitted you never had heard of Rohan ,or erebor or middle earth,concluding you werent from this world. So basically the wizard you know as now Gandalf is forcing this other dude who is a dwarf , a dwarf! Can you believe it? on this journey to reclaim his home ,he wasnt impressed but soon enough he agreed.

Gandalf had forced the company to stop at a small village :so he could buy you clothes,a tooth brush,cleaning supplies and womanly products,you had thanked him dearly. You now wore ,your small trainers with these legging pants and a tunic plus a coat but it was too hot for that right now,during the day anyways. Then you all were back on the road ,and you would have to share a pony with one of the dwarves,which ended up with you sharing with Thorin's youngest nephew.

It didnt take much for you to lift yourself up on the pony,well actually you just swung your leg up and boom you sat upon it as kili mounts behind you struggling a bit. "damn ,miss y/n those are some long legs." he had smirked from behind ,you felt like he was going to be doing a lot of flirting. "uh yeah ,puberty does that sometimes." you spoke gripping the rains of the pony lightly,as the company began to move.your coat in your new bag on the side of the pony hanging,leaving you in your tunic and pants,kili pushed at against you back,one arm around your waist.

"I would sure love to get lost in them." his grip tightened a little,as fili laughed at his brothers remark,your face screwed up."..uh...how long do dwarves live generally?" you questioned,to anyone in ear range. "around 200-250 years ,lassie." Bofur spoke up behind you ,you hummed in response. "and how old are you kili?" Thorin was listening in on the conversation as the whole company had went silent to hear it too. "77." he was confused at what you were gettingat ,he was a little scared even.

"right so the average human lives for 80 years ,right. So if you was to date or court me ,i'll be dead before you mature." bilbo laughed at you ,with some of the others. "what are you getting at?" he stated his face like pink with embarrassment. "if i was to get with any dwarf ,they would be older."you had smirked thinking of someone in mind,Thorin smiled to himself only Dwalin was able to see,he smirked at him,for Thorin to give him a look which almost told him to drop it. Which he didnt later he would tease him.

Thorin had grew to like you more than a member of his company,in the past couple of weeks ,as did you he was very attractive how could you not. Now you were in Rivendell,in which Elrond had supplied the company with food as he talked to andalf about you.It concluded he had no idea how this could happen and then later they would talk to lady galadriel about it. she didnt have a clue,except galadriel thought there was a reason you were brought to this world and you should carry on with the company.

After that you had been led to your room,which had a bloody bath,oh my you were so glad about. Once you had finish you had wrapped a single towel around your body,going to get dressed ,at this point it was late at night everyone would have been asleep by now.However before you could even dress,your bag was gone,with all your clothes ,and an elf had taken your dirty ones when you had gotten in the bath. You had no clue what to do,you would not go to sleep naked in the elves guest bed,not that they werent clean,youjust never know whos been in there or done what.

You decided the best thing to do was go wondering around until you found someone,just in a towel and your shoes,wet hair sticking to your skin ,making you shiver. Opening the beautiful carved pine door,quietly ,before shutting it behind you walking down the hall. It was more than cold out in the hall,your room had a fire lit by the same elf that took your clothes. In honesty you knew you have to go ask onee of the dwarves if they had a spare tunic or something;but that was an incredibly awkward and emabarrassing.If you went fili he would tell kili and then they would tease you,kili would tell everyone how those legs looked in just his tunic,you didnt want it to happen and you didnt want them laughing at you.

Thorin.

You felt like you could trust him,but you felt like if he saw you like this he would never like you back,and you had developed big feelings for him. Even though you barely spoke,he would check on you regularly not when the others where around,when bathing in the rivers he would stand watch, Apparently just incase you drown ,or the others especially his nephews tried peeking or you got attacked. Some how he would know when you got your period he take your watch ,lay hot stones in your bed ,he even made you tea.Dwalin would grin,knowing his bestfriend deeply cared for the human from another world. Damn Thorin and those thic-

you were so deep in thought you didnt notices a figure walk out thier door as you walked down the hall,causing you crash into them. You had lost grip of the towel ,only for the figure to pull you against them holding the back of the towel up,pulling around your sides. You gasped,scared the figure had seen your breasts,but their actions were so sonic speed they hadnt and you were pressed against their muscular chest. You had looked up to see Thorin ,your eyes had widened,you had taken the sides of the towel wrapping around yourself again ,as Thorin looked away. "I-im so sorry." you had spoken stuttering slightly,looking at the floor,before going to walk away,but Thorin had gripped your arm stopping you. "what are doing out here,y/n,in just a towel." he had asked sternly,he thought you were to no good,if you get me,and he was not impressed.

"uh..well.um I had a bath went to get dressed but my bag was gone,so it turns out they had told me that they were going to gift me stuff..but they  must have used it for my measurements,okay so I dont know.All i do know is I am search of something to wear,Its freezing." you spoke still not sure on your own words,it didnt seem right that the elves would take all your clothes. "stupid bloody elves,just leave you naked to freeze to death.I have some spare clothes if you need them." he hated the elves more that they had taken your belonging ,yet didnt he liked the way your hair fell once wet and the shine on your skin from the now cold water.

You had nodded eagerly ,he hadled you into his room,guiding you to sit down in the chair next to the fire,whilst he got you cllothes.He had came back with only only his dark blue tunic,handing it to you."I'm sorry ,my spare trousers are currents drying since kili decided to jumped on me covering me in mud like a dog." he spoke turning around allowing you to dress quickly infront of the fire,you let out a small giggle. "its fine,you have helped me so much,i would be laughed at if i had ran into anyone else. Doesnt matter what anyone else says you are very nice dude. thank you so much,goodnight." you had hugged him,he stood there a little taken back at your words hugging you back wishing you goodnight as you went back to your room.

He had watched you leave ,he like seeing you in his tunic,which only reached barely your mid thigh. He knew he wouldnt be sleeping soon,he was glad you bumped into him and not anyone else,he already thought you were beautiful from your personality but now you were bodacious.

In the morning your clothes still hadnt turned up,and an elf had knocked informing you for breakfast ,so you had no choice but to try sort your hair and go to breakfast in just a tunic and shoes.You looked like you were really at home and sorta a whore. Not that it was your fault at all. You had walked there crossing your arms looking down ,mulitple gasps were heard as you arrived.You had quickly sat down to the closest open sit which turns out was next to Thorin. "lass where are your clothes?"

"yeah you are practially naked."

"damn those legs bend over for me." kili had smirked saying the second,only to be kicked hard under the table by thorin ,who you sent a smile to him thanking him.

"treat her with some respect,shes not some bloody toy." Thorin had spat angrily at his nephew ,who looked down in embarrassment. "BAHAHAH YOU MUST  BE SO EMBARRASSED." You were tempted to say,pointing at him while laughinghysterically at him,sound like someone? yeah i would show you a picture but he stands to still I cant see him."im sorry ,miss y/n," he spoken sincerely towards you. "itsfine,dont worry about it." you had stated you were embarrassed by the sitution too.

After a few minutes Dwalin decided to break the silence,"lass where are your clothes,seriously?" he asked,he knew that wasnt your shirt.Damn the elves appart from elrond ,and Lindir looked at you in disgust. "uh well,I actually dont know,i got of the bath and then asked couldnt find my bag anywhere." you spoke looking at the fruits that sat infront of you,eating a piece of mellon. "oh miss y/n,i had an extra bag in mine and kili's room,i didnt know where it was from. I'll go get it,it must be yours." and with that fili rushed off to get it fpr you,soon returning passing it to as you place it on the floor. "thank you,fili.2 he had sent you a smile that reminded you deeply of seth rogen ,you couldnt help but picture him as seth rogen if you thought of him,you didnt know why.

And with that everyone was back to eating breakfast;oh what until someone questioned you again. "wait is that uncles tunic?" kili had questioned you ,causing a small blush to apear on your face,you nod going back to eating.Fili and Kili snickered,you looked up glaring at them wanting to know what was so funny. "did you happen to stay with him last night.?" and with that they burst out laughing again ,now with bofur.  "are you still tight about me not wanting you to get lost in my legs?hm" you had spoke annoyed ,causing bilbo to luagh,gandalf smirking at you.kili and fili stopped laughing,kili just blushed again. "nothing did happen,but I would mostly definitly enjoy having him in my legs." and with that you got up ,crouching down to grab your bag before heading to your to your room.

Only for Thorin to run after you,you were about to walk into your room,only to be smashed into the wall,lips pressed roughly against yours,you knew who it was from his beard ,and his strength. Your legs wrapped tightly around his waist,as his hands cupped your bare bottom gently,before taking you into your room. In the end you did get a proper apology from kili and life was swell.

that was until,HEAT OF THE MOMENT 'rise and shine y/n' joking joking.

Turns out your purpose in middle earth was to save Thorin and his nephews,

idk what happened it went pretty shit.

[magggg202]

Making A Deal With The Enemy

Gregg sat on Annie’s floor helping her pack for a weekend away with Beth and Ruby. Lately he has been having a hard time talking to her. He didn’t know why she was still with Noah. He didn’t understand why she wasn’t mad at Beth for killing Rio. He didn’t understand how she could even go away.

Annie walked in with her luggage, Gregg looked up at her. She knew what he was about to say, he’s been asking for over 3 months now.

“I didn’t kill him Gregg.”

“You were apart of it.”

Annie wanted to tell Gregg the truth, she been begging Noah and Beth, they both said for the time being their secret must stay a secret.

“Can we not do this today Gregg please.”

Gregg got up off the floor, “I’m going to pick Sadie up from school.”

“Please bring him home before you go to your house, I want to see him before I leave tonight.”

Gregg shook his head yes and left. He was mad. Rio and him hadn’t been close in years since, Rio started running the gang but that was and always would be his best friend.

Later that night and a 3hr and 40 minute plane ride later. Beth, Annie, Ruby and Noah all landed in Cancun Mexico.

“The car will be here in 2 minutes,” Noah told the girls.

When the black car and tinted black windows pulled up and the door opened, Rio got out and gave everyone a smile.

“Miss me?” He smirked.

Beth ran over and hugged him tight, this had been the longest month of her life.

Rio places his hand on Beth’s chin and kissed her softly, he had really missed her. He breathed in her red door perfume, he had missed that smell so much. He missed everything about Beth. But he missed her most of all.

Beth pulled away so Rio could say hi to everyone else. He gave Ruby and Annie a hug and shook Noah’s hand.

“Well let’s get going shall we?” Rio gestured for everyone to get in the car.

A few minutes later they were pulling up a long drive way to a huge brick house the over looked the ocean.

“Holy Shit,” Annie stares at the house. “This place is fucking beautiful.”

“It really is.” Everyone turned around and saw Gregg standing behind them. He was clearly very angry.

“Gregg what the hel-.”

“DON’T.” He shouted at Annie.”

Rio steppes in front of Annie. “Bro, don’t be mad at Annie, she wanted to tell you.”

“For over a month I have been think you were dead.”

“You were supposed to, everyone, except the people here are supposed to think I’m dead Gregg.”

“Why!”

“Come in my house so we can talk privately.”

Everyone goes in the house, Rio shoes them to their rooms. Annie and him go to Greggs room to speak to him about what really had happened a month ago.

“How’d you know where to go?” Annie said walking in the room.

Gregg looked out the window at the waves crashing on the shore. “I knew something was up, I’ve known since last week when I heard you talking on the phone to Beth, begging to tell me the truth. I booked at ticket. I picked Sadie up from school and brought him to Nancy’s told them I had to go somewhere for the weekend. I waited all day at the airport for you guys to come. I rented the car outside and when I saw you I followed you.”

“You’re a better cop then Noah and you aren’t even a cop,” Rio laughed.

“Shut up,” Annie rolled her eyes.

Rio sat on the edge of the bed. “Noah felt bad for lying to Annie about everything, he told them he wanted to help and he did. Beth and I came up with a plan. Well we all did. Noah got me a bullet proof vest. The plan was to trick Turner and that we did. I kidnapped him and I had to threaten Beth to make her get mad at me and make it believable for Turner. And she had to shoot me. I got my hands on some supplies that made it look like I was dead and bleeding. I got a some guys to be on standby with an ambulance, where they dropped me off at a private jet that took me here to my safe house.”

Gregg burst out laughing, this was all fucking crazy he had thought. “Didn’t’ Turner want to see the body?”

“That’s what Noah was for. I beat up Turner so well that he had to go to the hospital and Noah took over and acted as if he saw me.”

“That’s kind of Genius.”

“We had to get him off my back and Beth’s and so far I think we did a pretty good job.”

Annie sat next to Rio and sighed, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Gregg turned and looked at them, he walked over and hugged them both. “I’m still mad you guys didn’t tell me, but I forgive you.”

They all hugged it out for a good five minutes, when Beth walked in.

“Mind if I still him?” Beth have Rio a smile.

“We do not,” Annie and Gregg said in unison.

Rio and Beth walked hand and hand into his room. Rios room was huge, panting on the wall, pictures of him and his son Miguel on his night stand. White fitted sheets on the California king bed.

Beth pushed Rio on top of the bed, he let out a light laugh. Beth climbed on top of him holding his hands in the back of his head.

“I really missed you.” She said.

“I missed you more.”

Beth leaned down and kissed Rio. It was a long hot and passionate kiss. The one she had been waiting for, for weeks. Rio let go of her hands and ripped open her buttoned poke-a-dot dress. He flipped Beth over and started kissing her from her lips down to her stomach, Beth moaned with pleasure. She had missed his body on hers.

Rio had missed the feeling of being inside her.

After they made love Rio and Beth maid staring at each other. Beth maid her head on Rios chest, which was still bruised from the bullets. She rubbed over it with her hand. He pushed her hair out of her face.

“Sorry I shot you.” Beth frowned.

Rio smiled, “you had too.” He kissed her forehead.

“Remember all those years ago at Annie’s baby shower.”

“What about it?”

“I told you I was going to be with you someday.”

Beth looked up at Rio. “And you did.”

The next morning, the girls all laid on the beach soaking up the sun, while the boys were inside, drinking and sharing stories.

“I want to marry Beth.”

Noah and Gregg put their beers down and looked at Rio.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a few months now, I love her more than anything. I’m not going to stay hidden forever. And if we get married she can’t testify against me.”

“I honestly don’t know what to say.” Gregg raised his eyebrows.

“I already got a ring.”

“What?” Noah was shocked.

“Tonight at dinner I’m going to ask her to be my wife.”

Gregg sipped his beer. “Just don’t ever give up on your marriage like I did. I will forever regret losing Annie.” He looks at Noah. “Don’t you ever hurt her.”

“I don’t plan on it.” Noah said.

In the corner of the kitchen Annie let out a light cough. The guys all look at her, Noah and Greggs eyes went wide. “You guys going to come swimming?” She acted like she hadn’t heard anything. “Yeah babe coming.” Noah chugged his beer and followed Annie outside.

“You got to get her back Gregg, you love her. You have a kid. Noah’s a great dude but he’s not the one for her, you are.”

Gregg stares at Annie, “I love her more than anything.”

“She loves you too, I can tell.”

Gregg walks over and hugs Rio. “Thanks bro.”

They walk outside to join the others.

At dinner the guys anxiously wait for Rio to pop the question, when finally he stood up and looked at Beth and who looked back at him confused.

“Elizabeth I have loved you since I first met you 16 years ago at one of Greggs house parties. It was only a quick hello but I knew I could love you,” he gets on one knee.”

“Oh my god,” Ruby says.

“This past year getting closer to you have been not only wish of mine but a true honor. It sounds corny but I’ve never wanted someone so bad to be in my life. I know I make mistakes and I know I’ll make more in the future but I will never make the mistake of hurting you or letting you go. I know that this is crazy but I want you to be my wife. Will you-.”

“You don’t even have to finish your sentence, I love you Rio and I would love nothing more than to be your wife.”

Rio opens up a small case threat olds a square shaped 14 karate gold diamond ring. Beth covered her mouth in shock, Rio took her shaking hand and slipped on the Ring that for her perfectly. Ruby and Annie were crying, they were so happy for Beth. They thought she was crazy but they were happy. Everyone clapped and Beth and Rio kissed. They were getting married.

During the night Annie woke up and for some reason decided to look out the window where she saw Gregg sitting on the beach. She grabbed her robe and went outside.

“You okay?” She sat down next to him.

“I love you Annie, I want to have more kids with you because the one we made is pretty fucking fantastic. You have been my best friend for years. And when Rio asked Beth to marry him tonight it reminded me of us.”

“I love you too.”

Gregg looked at her surprised. “You do?”

Annie signs and takes his hand, “I love Noah but I also love you. I’m so confused Gregg. But I dont know what to do right now okay? I need time to figure it all out.” Gregg leaned over and kissed Annie’s cheek. “I’ll wait for you, forever.”

Annie leaned her head on Greggs shoulder. They stayed there all night.

The next morning Rio made everyone breakfast, Noah walked over to him and congratulated him on his engagement to Beth. Today was the last day they’d all see each other for a while. They had to make sure no one was on their trail.

“Still can’t believe I made a deal with the enemy.” Noah laughed.

“I am not the enemy Noah.”

Beth walks over and wraps her arms around Rios waist while he cooked scrambled eggs.

“Noah haven’t you learned Rio has a big heart, but he makes dumb decisions. We all have to make a living.”

“Amen,” Ruby says. “I defiantly needed this vacation, but I miss my husband and my kids. But mostly my husband, because after hearing you too last night, I got to get me some sex too.” They all laughed.

“Well we had to celebrate our engagement,” Rio smirked.

Annie walks in the kitchen her hair a mess, “you had to celebrate it all night long? My room was next to yours you know. That fucking head bored. Bang, ba, bang, ba, bang. I mean I was only there for like 2 hours because Gregg and I sat outside but still.”

Once again everyone laughed.

“Later on you and I are going to walk the town Elizabeth.” Rio looked at his fiancé. He had never been this happy. He hoped from this day forward everything would go well and if it didn’t, it didn’t matter he had Beth by his side.

[flamebrain]

mattfoggy hcs, straight from the bastard empire sorry these all read like shitepostes(L O N G post under cut you’ve been warned)

WTNV au:

nightvale is just populated by like. vigilantes and other poewered people and foggy shoes up one day like. hey anyone need a lawyer? and the whole town falls in love w him

MURDERDOCK IS KEVIN

matt does radio and talks about foggys perfect hair and perfect teeth and foggy calls in like "heh, thanks dude, but aren't you like blind?" and matt shuts the call off immediatley

everybody knows matt is daredevil because he makes wink wink nudge nudge comments about it like 'ah. it appears that an entity has appeared near the dog park. castle appears to be on the scene now, and...ok, he's got a gun. i cant do anything about that, but my pal (noises of him scrambling and obviously knocking things over) daredevil might be able OKHERESTHEWEATHER" and it cuts off and like. he shows up 5 seconds later to kick frank in the face for using lethal measures AGAIN

EVERY TIME IT CUTS TO THE WEATHER AND THEN CUS BACK AND THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN SOLVED ITS JUST MATT. like. breathing just a little heavier than normal into the mic like. 'so it appears uh. the issue has been resolved thanks again to daredevil and his pal moon knight. such a shame i had to cower under my desk while the weather was on. ok goodnight'

the funky thing abt nightvale in this au is that it's basically just like. new york from 616 but foggy's like. from our earth so he's like HWAT THE FUCK AND AHIT IS GOING ON IN HERE ON THIS DAY AND WHY CANT I LEAVE he gets kidnapped by super villains on like his second day in town and immediatley regrets every life choice he's ever made

matt works at nightvale radio by day and conviently cuts to the weather every time something comes up so sometimes there's like. 7 half hour weather broadcasts a day and the townspeople just. humor him

foggy falls in love with matt after figuring out after .5 seconds that he's daredevil and he saved him from a bunch of baddies on like his second day and matt compliments him on the radio like every day and yeah they're fuckin good ok assorted stupid college hcs: matt and foggy like to chill in each other's beds. foggy doesn't notice that often because matt moves back b4 he gets back and matt pretends not to notice but  like. he can smell foggy was there. foggy. stop napping in this bed you're making my sheets smell like you, foggy, i KNOW they're silk and i know you think you're getting away with it but you're NOT,

matt, coming back into the dorm after being out for the day: foggy are you laying on my bed foggy, sitting up straight: nah pal. just sitting on the end for a minute hehe. just had to rest the old joints matt, knowing DAMN well that he was lying down a second ago and he's obviously lying but not being able to say anything; haha ok. move

hrnnn matt knows foggy is gay long before he tells him because he catches him in a lie about who he was out with but he can't say anything and like. he knows foggy is scared to tell him but he doesn't know how to bring it up and he's like. i want him to know he can trust me but i don't know how to tell him i know please foggy

foggys heart goes a mile a minute anytime the subject of being gay comes up around matt and matt wants to yell at him that it's OK and he doesn't care but his hints that he's fine with it seem to fly right over foggys head and so one day he gets so fed up with trying to convince foggy he's chill with gay people he just kisses him. wig

hrnnn. matt doesn't like the snow because it messes with his senses and he can't see but he can't say that to foggy so he just says he doesn't like the cold and foggys like "yeah doofus you weigh like three pounds you're skin and bone compared to me smh" and insists on cuddling him every time he sees matt get like That bc he thinks he's just chilly and it's. oddly comforting to matt because yeah. nobody really Holds him like that, and he Is Cold, and foggy is Warm,

matt gets Very touchey around people he's close with and so when he gets close with foggy he puts his arm around him a lot, rests his head on his shoulder, holds his arm even when they're not going anywhere, etc. foggys heart speeds up every time but matt just assumes that's what people hearts do when that happens because he doesn't really do that with anyone else and hey, he's happy when he does it and his heart maybe spikes a little too, but then he gets someone else's arm to lead him when foggys sick one week and their heart stays the exact same, what's up with that? so then he starts paying attention to all the people on campus, and the touching doesn't usually make the hearts go wild, but, well. matt 'sees' it happens and he's like HaHa, See, This is A Thing, and then he realizes that the people that have it happen to them? they're couples. and he just. freezes because first of all, Foggy- and at him- an- and second, his heart ALSO does a thing, so-

heres a rEALLY stupid unrelated au/hc i got after hearing a friends disater story hfdjhskja matt goes on a blind (hehe) date with a girl and it's pretty much a disaster, it turns out she brought her friend who is also meeting a guy at the same place, and like. she's obviously incredibly wack she says blind people are god's mistake and stupid shit like that so matt gets up halfway through their meal to go sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes while he thinks of an excuse to leave? and eventually a guy comes in and he's like 'uh hey, dude, you in here? your date grabbed her friend and left so we're both dateless now, thats a relief for me and unless you're just having incredibly bad bowel movements i think it's pobably one for you since you Have been in here for like half an hour uh im foggy by the way' and then they go back out and sit together and talk about how wack that fuckin was and like. inadvertent date

hey i can talk a lot of shit about how matt falls asleep on foggy but. sometimes foggy falls asleep on or next to or with matt and matt goes !!!! and he does not move and then he eventually falls asleep with foggy head on his shoulder and his head on foggys and when FOGGY wakes up and realizes matts still there and is ALSO asleep he doesn't move and eventually falls back asleep and then it's just like. waiting until the time aligns that they're both awake at the same time because neither wants to move and wake the other send tweet

SOULMATE AU:

foggy looks up from his college bed, sees matt, and suddenly EVERYTHING is fucking rainbow and he's like 'oh fuck. oh shit. wait. this is a dude' and matt's like 'is everything ok my guy?' because foggy's like. >:O and of course he has no idea because he's blind but foggy doesnt realise this and for a hot minute he;s like "OH FUCK. ITS ONE OF THOSE RARE OCASIONS WHERE HES PERFECT FOR ME BUT I'M NOT FOR HIM," and is about to s o b before he's like wait a fucking minute

yknow the au where like. the first words you hear from your soulmate are marked on your skin at birth? foggy's are 'excuse me', absolutley common, a chance meeting, and he stops jumping every single time he hears them after age 8 when he realises just how many times that phrase is said. matt's are 'yeah, who're you looking for,'  but he doesnt remember that, there's no constant reminder of it since he's blind, the nuns wouldn't tell him, the kids made up childish shit like 'poopoo', and stick DEFINITLEY wouldnt fucking tell him because hes stick and hes an asshead and eventually matt stops asking and caring. it takes WEEKS for after they meet for foggy to ask matt about his words and matt just says 'oh yeah, i dont remember. here" and shows foggy and when he sees them he's like. 'hm. sounds familiar' and forgets about it untill like two years later theyre drunk and talking about the first time they met and matt's like 'yeah you asked like 'who'm i looking for and then panicked because i was blind' and foggy's brain just like. short circuits for a whole ass minute and then when it clicks he just goes. "yOU"

TRANS MATT:

matt realises when he's still in the orphanage that mayhaps he hates being not a dude and haha! hes not gonna fucking come out to catholics he knows about That. he tries to tell stick, around the time their closest, and FUCK STICK he refuses to call him anything else or support him becaise stick is a peace of fuck shit FUCK STICK so that scars matt from coming out for a DAMN while so like. when he goes to college he introduces himself to everyone as matt and emails his proffesors like. 'hello please my name is redacted on your forms please call me matt its uh. a nickname' and he's not like. out to anyone but matt is close enought to his deadname that most people don't question it. foggy does, though, a little while after they meet, and matt is so fed up with not telling people and being called the wrong pronouns he just goes 'i want to be a guy ok' and goes absolutley APESHIT when foggy's like 'oh, cool. do you want me to use he pronouns for you' because wait. people are...ok sometimes? and matt's like. about to cry 

 alternatley: matt says "I don't wanna be a girl." and foggy goes "oh hey are you trans? same hat!" and then foggy tells matt like. binding tips and shit and theyre Good ok

deadpool kills transphobes, sm n dd just fucking beat the SHIT out of them in a back alley and like. they let DP know where they are but whatever happens happens :D

elektra, impaling two transphobes onto the side of a building with her knives: matthew, i know you can hear me, why

one day elektra sees matt has dumped a guy on her roof and just. sighs and goes back inside and matt waits for like 15 minutes before halfheartedly picking up the dude and dropping him off at franks.

matt dropped them off at nats One Time and she went apeshit and hunted down like 20 more of them.

foggy, holding a bat: cmon matt let me kill ONE matt: 'fine but if you get caught im not going to be your lawyer.'

INTO THE DEVILVERSE AU:

earth 14512/TRN700 (peni parker’s universe) matt murdock has a robot seeing eye dog who's also a vigilante

hddjdsjdhdn they all show up to earth 6's foggy and he just. sighs and all the devils start crying because He Is Here

hmm ok. canonically we know nothing about miles's matt but we know he exists and is known figure because miles knows of him but doesn't know he's daredevil i'm Prefty Sure so like. i'm gonna say he's just a successful lawyer who has radarsense but never got yoinked away from the orphanage by stick and never got training so like. hemndhdjsjnow the QUESTION is who finds that matt because there's a Very Different outcome depending on if like. murderdock meets him first or the matt from hobopeters universe does

hmm. murderdock comes in first like gwen does but doesn't out himself as competent w like swords and shit. but he OH HES THE OPPOSING FORCE FOR UH A COURT CASE MATT IS IN AND MATT HAS NO IFEA HOW SIMILAR THEY LOOK BECAUSE HES BLIND HRNNNNNHSHDHDHDJ and then matt from HP's universe comes in like HEY YOURE ME RIGHT. what the FUCK i need the laws in this dimension STAT and murderdock ':"sees" him and is like ah fuck. my goose may be uhhh cooked

ok mileses matt is like 'so what brought y'all here??? hhh????  and murderdock sighs and goes well my boss who's not really my boss from MY universe is doing something stupid here and opened a dimensional portal and it could maybe tear the multiverse apart which i guess i'm not stoked about' and matt's like 'who's your boss?' and murderdock begrudgingly says 'wilson fisk' and matt immediatley goes >:O because he's CONSTANTLY defending people who were injured as a result of what fisk and his company do

anyways. matt immediatley rushes to foggys because "foggys my partner, he's helped me deal with fisk, he knows him, he can help," and he swings open the door and like. one of two things happens actually either A: foggy is like matt. MAATT. AHAT IS GOING ON WH. WHY IS THERE A TALKING DEER WEARNING SPANDEX WHO CLIMBED THROIGH MY WINDOW MATT PLEASE HE SAYS HES Y O U or like. matt walks in and deerdevil is playing pattycake with robodog and daredevil noir is incessantly flirting with foggy and when matt comes in foggys like 'hey. i don't know what's going on but i think i'm trading my best friend'

murderdock is like...the cool college student who tells freshies about weed murderdock: so, you don't know how to fight right  matt: no??? i'm blind??? md: but you can kinda see right. matt: yeah like a radar kinda md: normal blind people can't do that you know matt: they wHAT md: you can listen to heartbeats if you try hard enough. you can tell when people are lying matt: i can W H A T md: yeah. what me to teach you how to kill a man matt: W H AT NO IM A L A W Y E R WH

hrnnn the matts in this universe push our matt away to stay with foggy because he doesn't deserve 2 die and you KNOW every matt pushes people away but foggy is like. matt i know you tried it's ok i lov you buddy and he's like HRGGHHHH FUNCK YOU and makes foggy tell him stories untill he can distinguish lies and hide in a place around their office untill matt can like. find him instantly and training montage shit you feel me and he rolls up to the collider in his black pjs like "hello my fellow devil men. i hear you all have no plan. well. i don't either but i'm here" and one matt is like. how did you go-OH YOU DID IT and all the mats high five and cry a littlethey're still reluctant to let matt come help but they're all like. "we're all depressed and suicidal anyways we all have big guilt and if we didn't let him i lnOW he's gonna have big guilt forever he can stay"

THE PENUMBRA PODCAST AU:

foggy is a private eye, kinda depressed a lil bit, and he works w his secretary karen who helps him with tech and stuff because he is god awful at all that 

"mike whatevermaggiesmaidennameis" is an occult specialist from dark matters agency assigned by an agent natasha of dark matters to help him with his current case. 

foggy does NOT want to do this with any damn occultist or whatever the hell but before he can escape mike shows up and god DAMN is he charming and catches him before he can climb out the window, so. that's that for introductions. anyways, hijinks, elektra is cassandra, if you care listen to the murderous mask, anyhoo foggy stars to notice something is kinda weird about matt but brushes it off. they finish investigating and retrieve an important artifact.

it's cold, mike says. sorry dude, all the places near here are closed, foggy says. is your place? mike asks. oh, says foggy they go back to foggys place and maybe make out a little bit, but foggy realizes oh shit, mike just tried to steal the keys to my safe where i stored the artifact, shit, and plaxces him under arrest before he can do anything, and calls the cop cops.

they come to take mike away, and minutes later foggy finds a note, scrawled INCREDIVLY messily, in his pocket. "sorry," it says, "i wasn't tricking you about anything i said, and i meant everything i did. -matt murdock ps. check around, say, X avenue. you may have to do a bit of cleanup." when foggy checks cameras that overview there, he find the officers that took murdock from his apartment hogtied together, and sees their clothes strewn on the ground - forming letters - with love. their car is gone. PODCAST AU:

matt listens to podcasts a lot right and so foggy is like hmm mayhaps this is a good idea. but the type of podcasts they listen to differs so incredibly like matt listens to serial and the wildest one he listens to is probably judge john hodgman whereas foggy listens to shitpost podcasts like mbmbam and can i pet your dog foggy keeps referencing mbmbam around matt because he just assumes that he listens to it and matt is so confused every time and one day foggy says "damn matt you're really horny for this one huh" and matt just snaps and says FOGGY WHAT DO YOU M E AN

so then they are like oh shit you're not listening to the good ones. no YOURE not listening to the good ones. solution?  listen together which means sharing earbuds which means sitting next to eachother on small college bed which means????? cuddling

also eventually they decide fuck it. let's make our own podcast and they combine the mbmbam and jjh format so they get questions and do goofs and stuff and then give actual legal advice but sometimes foggy will be like "ok. here's what you do. you need a cat? go into the pet shelter and take one. what are the gonna do beat you up with their cat toys? didn't think so." and matt starts crying because "Fo g g y WE ARE LAWYERS I KNOW YOURE GOOFING BUT THATS ILLEGAL FOGGY YOI CANT TELL OUR LISTENERS TO GO DO CRIME"

COFFE SHOP AU:

matt has a caffeine addiction and constantly comes to foggys coffee shop and orders one black coffee every morning and foggy eventually is like. hey buddy. do you EVER drink ANYTHING F U N EVER

matts like...no...i need coffee as strong and dark as my soul... and foggys like ok edglelord. wait up i'm about to change your life

foggy makes him a latte that's just a little bit caramelly but not too sweet and he's like here. drink this. no charge you deserve to live a little. also here's your boring edgy coffee you still have to pay me for that one. matt tries it and he's like hmm. not bad, but just not. Good and foggy is like wow fuck you. i'm going to find a good drink for you that isn't this hell water so every morning matt comes in and foggy gives him a black coffee and a free Fun and Cool coffee on the house

matt always is polite even when foggy can tell he DESPISES what foggy made but he's not going to stop untill he finds something god damn it matt

ok anyways they start meeting up more. matt starts taking his breaks in the coffee shop and and foggy hmmm...always seems to have a shift off when matt comes down..hmm. coincidence....hmmm....theo suffers for him by covering all his shifts when matt comes in and he's like well, actually fuck work

eventually foggy is like hey dude. do you wanna test my drinks before they go on the menu or help me perfect my recipes and shit you have a good toungie right (matt goes apeshit, because fuckin FOGGY YOU CABT SAY THAT) but he's like haha yeah. that'd be fun. haha

and then foggy finds out matt is INCREDIBLE at baking when he hands him a cookie and matt goes. hmm. too much flour add a fourth a cup less and a pinch more of saltand he's like??? bitch. i'd like to see you do better. and then matt does

so basically every day foggy closes up a little earlier and lets matt in and they dick around in the kitchen and bake and make coffee and foggys shop gets more and more popular because hey this already really good joint just started selling the most BALLER carrot cAke waht the fucké

anyways fall comes around and foggy is like GUES WHATT ITS TIME FOR WHITE GIRL DRINKS TRY THIS and he gives matt a pumpkin spice latte and matt is like. •.• THIS IS IT. THATS THE ONE

and foggy starts crying MATT PLEASE YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. PKEASE MATT, MATT I CANT ADD PSL YEARROUND BECAUSS YOURE A BASIC WHITE BITCH MATT

he bullies foggy into keeping the latte on the menu by threatening to stop helping him bake and foggy is SO OFFENDED, on behalf of good taste everywhere, matt, please,

anyways foggy continues rags on matt for only liking the shittiest fucking drink god damn it matthew fucking hell i make you 3 billion and THIS is the one you pick you disaster and matt is like haha shut up. stoopid

foggy doesn't, and you can guess where this be headed because i'm gay and soft,

matt kisses him and foggys like. ?????????? and matt goes AH FUCK. I COULDNT THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO GET YOU TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH SORRY. GUESS ILL GO and foggy throws cookie dough at him and drags him back over because he's not leaving fuck that. fuck you. and then they're happy and domestic the end

wait i lied matt opens a pro-bono firm in the back of foggy's shop and he gives all his clients freshly baked dessert and coffee and he's so good at being a lawyer and foggy becomes so good @ running his shop that customers keep coming and they're the Cute Gay Couple everyone knows abt and loves

ACCIDENTAL (?) KISSING:

SO. there are so many god damn moments foggy nearly fucking breaks and smooches matt out of sheer unbridled uwu soft feelings. SO MANY. when they win their first mock trial together and matt looks so FUCKING happy and he tells foggy how good they work as a team and foggy is about to lose his mind but he just goes. 'haha yeah' and gives matt a fist bump they finish taking the bar: matt's had to take it in a seperate room, stupid blind accommodations. he finishes first because OF COURSE HE DOES HE'S MATT MURDOCK and the second foggy finishes and leaves the room he sees matt there and he's filled with so many emotions he's about to go apeshit but he manages to contain them JUST enough not to make out with matt on the spot but gives him the tightest fucking hug and matt's like "ok buddy! love you too! please dont break my ribs!" and foggys too happy to notice matt forgot to flinch like he didnt know foggy was coming

Foggy gets the sign to matt and he can tell how fuckin stoked matt is and all he can think about is how grateful he is that the two of them get to work together and fucking do GOOD together and he's trying to express that in his awkward foggy way and he's GOING to kiss him right then and there!! hes about to do it look out world!!! and then matt says "you're NOT going to kiss me" and foggy realises haha YEAH THATD BE A BAD IDEA HUH and jokes it off and gives matt another hug - "i'll be careful not to break the ribs this time, buddy, seems like you've been falling over and hurting yourself enough recently,"-

foggy almost kisses matt out of anger when he finds out he's daredevil, when he won't shut up about how this city needs him and foggy would have done the same and blah, blah, bullshit because maybe then he'd FUCKING listen to him, or at least it'd shut him up, but the honest betrayal he feels - at matt for not telling him and at himself for STILL having a part of him that wants to kiss matt - is enough to get him just to leave : ^)

alright. the gang is watching fisk get carted away and see that SHIT, he's broken out, of course it wasnt going to be this easy. matt puts karen in a taxi goes to run off and foggy grabs him by his coat because MATT. you're not going to go fight fisk in your god damn pajamas right now it's too dangerous you're going to die you stupid son of a bitch idiot

and of course matt doesn't listen, he tells foggy to get back into the car with karen, go to his place, they'll be safe there, and grabs his own taxi

and foggy's left to sit there with karen in the cab as it drives Oh Too Fucking Slowly to matt's, and he's mumbling curses all the way and karen is trying to calm him down, he doesnt know why he's so worried, and all foggy can think about is what if matt dies because i didnt stop him and what if karen never gets to hear it from him and about 10 billion what-ifs that wont leave him the FUCK alone, and he sits next to the windowsill he knows matt comes in through and waits, not even wanting to look at the tv because what if he sees worse news Hrgh

matt beats up fisk and he barely even waits for the cops to get there, he gets one look and confirms 'yup, that's mahoney,' and fucking BOOKS it to his apartment, he climbs through the window and foggy's just sitting there waiting, karens in the next room watching the broadcast at a 3 minute delay on her phone, matt doesnt have a tv hes BLIND >:,\

and when matt comes in, bloody and beaten up and doing That Panting Thing He Does, but definitley alive, foggy just fucking. grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him because HE IS A L I V E !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and matt is suprised but he doesnt even try to protest because he's still riding the adrenaline from the fight

anyways. foggy pulls away for air and says 'you're so fucking stupid and i hate you' and then matt kisses hIM because uhh, thats FOGGY

and it's a minute later that matt senses another heartbeat and realizes karen's standing in the doorway, and she raises an eyebrow and obviously trying not to panic asks 'uh, foggy, pray tell, buddy, why you're making out with the devil in matt's bedroom' and foggy goes apeshit and tries to think of an excuse that doesn't invole 'uh thats matt' but it just kinda comes out as some stupid shit like 'i,,, uh,,,,, secret,...affair,,?i',m....gay." and matt just sighs and pulls off his helmet like "hey karen. it's me. hey karen whats poppin its me blind matt murdock" and needless to say they all have a Lot to talk abt

DRUNK KISSING:

so like. the first year they're together matt and foggy go out a lot, and it's mostly foggy dragging matt places and matt reluctantly coming because A) if someone doesnt watch foggy this idiot is going to puke and pass out in a ditch and B) he really like his company shh. no telling because that gay

anyways matt usually only drinks a little but foggy is mad lightweight right. he doesn't get shitfaced too often, usually only after exams or when he knows he has no classes the next day. when he does get shitfaced though he absolutley loses his shit and becomes even more touchy than usual, which is VERY TOUCHY because fuck you its my au and i get to choose the default affection levels

so basically. once foggy starts hugging matt and leaning on him and whining into his shirt about the 'hot girls' and 'killer nachos' at the party matt knows it's time to head home and foggy is too busy wrapping his arms around matt to notice he's being dragged out untill its too late

and y'know, thats fine, that's usual, all normal friend stuff, except what foggy also has a tendancy to do when he's drunk is kiss matt. sometimes its on his cheeks, or his forehead, or his shirt?? matt doesnt get that one??? and sometimes foggy even tries to go for the lips when hes particularly wilde. matt knows to expect this by the third time they go out, but it's still always a suprise when it happens, because sometimes it'll be out of nowhere when theyre walking back, or foggy'll stop matt and grab his cheeks and kiss him? sometimes they'll get all the way back to the dorm and matt will make foggy lie down and foggy will grab his shirt and pull him close enough to give him a quick peck before rolling over and promptly beggining to snore

which, y'know, is absolutley great for a maybe-gay-for-his-best-friend-catholic. what's also great is that foggy never seems to remember the fact he kissed matt the night before, and if he does, he definitley does NOT bring it up

so that's fine. whatever. thats life and matt will pretend like he doesnt care when foggy gives him a smooch because hes straight and loves girls and jesus christ, no homo, amen

but THEN. . then matt and foggy have been studying for exams for weEKS and theyre FINALLY DONE, FINALLY, and they are both going to get wasted out of their mINDS you better BELIEVE IT

so they do! and eventually they stumble back to their dorm together and sit together on the floor with a half-downed bottle of tequila and matt decides fuck it. he tells foggy he's never kissed a guy and foggy is like "haha cool. i have." matt's like "haha was it good" and foggys like "hell yeah man better than girls" so matts like hmm. "foggy i think i want to kiss a guy" and you can guess where this is goin

foggy is an oblivious little shit and just thinks matt's having a gay awakening so he's like "oh cool" and matt starts vibrating at inhuman frequency because FOGGY THIS IS THE ONE TIME I"M BASICALLY ASKING YOU TO DRUNK KISS ME AND YOU D O N T" so he just goes "haha yeah." and foggy's like "haha yeah"

and then matt chugs the bottle of tequila and says "foggy i think i wanna kiss you" and then he does but he's a good christian and also stupid so he just like. goes mwah on foggy's cheek

and foggy stares at him for like 15 seconds before basiclly challenging him to 'kiss him like a man, murdock, how are you supposed to get the gay experience if you dont go all in' and then they make out for like 20 minutes and life is good

(they both wake up w the worst fucking hangovers and theyre passed out on the floor and matt's like "foggy....im gay..." and foggys like "haha do you remember i kissed you" and matts like "????foggy i kissed YOU" and foggys like "oh yeah you did. you should have done that earlier" and matts says "????you were too busy trying to kiss me" and foggy goes "oh haha i was. cool" and then they fall back asleep...then they.....boyfriend.s)

FLOWER SHOP/TATTOO ARTIST AU:

so. matt is a florist and he runs a little shop across the street from an empty piece of real estate. a tiny place that used to be a deli but had just the WORST sandwiches, it was no wonder they closed down, god damn. anways. matt runs his shop with his best friends kirsten and karen who have IMPECCABLE taste in flowers and less impeccable taste in impulse control and not being huge lesbians.

one day this dude pulls up into matt's shop. his request is maybe the strangest matt's ever heard - 'can you get me two bouquets of like, the most metal flowers you have? like, ones that just look super cool but also, yknow, smell super good and sick and shit?' 

matt laughs, and tells the guy that yeah, he can't help with the looks part, but he'll make sure to get him some that smell 'quote' sick and shit, come back tomorrow morning and they'll have some ideas-hey, what are these for anyways?

and the guy tells him, oh, hah, i'm moving in across the street, opening a little tattoo place? wanted some flowers to make it seem more, uhh....welcoming. matt laughs and says yeah, sure, cool, and tells him if he has anymore questions to call the store and ask for matt. the guy tells him if he ever wants a tattoo just cross the street and ask for foggy and unless the flowers matt gives him really suck he won't do him dirty and tattoo a dick on him

so anyways, they have a couple meetings, foggy decides on the flowers he wants and thanks matt and tells him hey, he should come check out the shop, it's opening tomorrow, and foggy wants to be able to point to the guy who did the sick florals. matt doesnt have anything better to do and he likes the sound of this guy's voice so hell, he might as well

when he goes over matt realizes oh shit. he really is out of his element here, but he asks the guy at the counter for 'foggy' and is led over to  a corner where foggy's sitting and tattooing...himself? and matt realizes hey. i kind of have no idea what this dude looks like

so he sorta. sits there awkwardly untill he asks like. 'uh. i cant actually see what youre doing' and foggy goes OH IM SO FUCKING STUPID. i'm. man, saying this out loud seems kinda really stupid and cheesy i cant believe i have to do this...i'm....it's one of the flowers in the bouquet you made me....i just thought it looked really neat and smelled good and it....kinda reminds me of you and OK i KNOW that sounds really weird we met like 4 days ago BUT you seem super cool and i kinda hope we can maybe like. be friends or hang out or something,

and matt's like. o//////o yeah okay. uh. thats cool. thats cool uh im sure the flower is really pretty haha i love that type haha UH DO YOU WANT TO GET LUNCH OR SOMETHING haha maybe ill get a flower tattoo one day its pretty cool that you do tattoos UH IM FREE TOMOROW WAIT MAYBE THATS TOO SOON IM SORRY UH IM FREE WEDNESDAYS,

and foggy just kinda laughs and says 'no, tomorrow works,' and hey! they make plans and get coffee together and matt's like so. what tattoos do you have and foggy starts listing a bunch and eventually matt's like :( i wish i could see them they sound beautiful and foggy's like. here. heres my arm can i. yeah ok. and he grabs matts ar,m and he's like ok. feel the skin, its still a little raised can you feel that? ok, run your fingers over here and i can like. tell you wjats there

cue like an hour of sensual arm touching and tattoo explaining and the more matt learns about foggy and his tattoos and the more he hears the way he talks the more he's like A) oh fuck, i kinda really like this guy whos letting me feel up his arms and B) do i want a tattoo? i kind of want a tattoo

anyways. time jump they hang out a bit more, foggy always comes into matt's shop and talks to him in between customers, shows him the patterns he's designing, etc, and one day he comes in with a paper that has a design of some flowers on it and shows it to matt and as he's running his fingers across it he stops and says 'foggy? will you do this to me'

and foggys like 'bud are you sure? first tattoo, right, do you-are you really sure you want to do this, like, when, and wh" and matt's like 'shut up and put this ink in my skin before i chicken out' so matt sits through a PAINFUL ASS TATTOO and when it's done he's like FOGGY CAN I TOUCH IT CAN I TOUCH IT FOGGY CAN I TOUCH IT and foggy has to physically restrain matt from fondling his tattoo because its FRESH MATT

so foggys like 'ok, this is cause for celebration! babys first ink! we;re getting beers cmon' and they both go out to drink and matt's like 'hey foggy...can i touch more of your tattoos' and foggy's like 'uh, sure, i have another armfull,' and they do that for a while untill matt gets to the one foggy did the first time he visited foggy's tattoo parlor and foggy's like hah. remember this one? and matt's like yeah. i do. and they kinda just. sit there for a minute and then foggy's like 'ok. im gonna kiss you now punch me if you hate this, flowerboy' and matt absolutley does not punch him, thank you very much

and when they finish having their moment matt's like 'wow. i shoulda....i shoulda asked to feel you up again way sooner if i knew you were gonna do that' and foggy's like 'hey...i'd let you feel me up anytime' and they both kind of laugh and decide ok, worm, this works, and decide theyre gonna do that more often

they start to go out for drinks / dinner / lunch / any time they possibly can, and matt learns the curvature of foggys (suprisingly muscley?) arms down to a t, but he runs out of space to run his fingers over one night, and foggy kisses him and says 'hey. i've got more tattoos, y'know, but i don't think many people would appreciate it if i showed them off to you here' and matt is like 'wh-O H'

and foggy laughs and drags him to his apartment and pulls of his shirt and says 'ok, we're alone now. tell me what you feel' and matt sits on the bed in front of him and theres lots of sensual chest stroking going on and then yeah. matt gets fed up with all this touching foggy and not enough of foggy touching him and. they fuck oopsie

and after that they decide worm. that was good, wanna do that more often, holy shit, and decide to actually date date and thats like. thats that babey!

but years later they open a joint shop, an absolute mess of soft/punk aesthetics and everyone knows them because matt is still a soft florist who just has a fewwwww dozen flowers inked all over him and foggy is the punk god who flexes his sleeves all over town but flexes his soft boyfriend husband even more tHE END

[gothic-gnosis]

okay, anyways, after my intro, lemme tell you guys abt school today

TW: drug use

so, i just talked abt myself a little in a previous post, hi, im marten lol. i go to cosmetology school, i'm 19 and im pretty much the youngest person in my class. i have an actual friend group for the first time in my life lol.

so. they smoke around me, i dont really smoke at all, i dont drink or do drugs because, with bpd and shit, my brain chemicals and judgement is already constantly impaired, id rather not impair myself further. so anyways this morning i took a massive hit from my friend's pen thing, and you know, i'm a big baby bitch, im fucking coughing, Dying actually, and another girl goes "wax just hits u in the chest, lemme get you coffee" LIKE THEY WERE BEING SO NICE TO ME LMFAO, so they took me to a bench, i sat down and i was listening to them talk about cars, and suddenly my brain felt like a fucking. clock with a dying battery.

i had to try SO hard to exist and fucking listen to what they were saying, and i was like, talking, but i felt like i wasn't really there, so i went "yo, it feels like im dreaming, like im not in control of myself but i am. like one of those nightmares where you can't run when you want to but im still in full control" and they went "woah bud, ur rlly high lol" so they bought me a coffee, and my ass was fucking Struggling to exist, in the fucking moment, i could feel everything touching my body.

it was the weirdest fucking sensation, feeling my clothes touching my skin, my hair against my neck, the weight of the chain on my neck, the weight of my phone in my uniform, my socks and my work shoes, and my tongue in my moutH FUCKING INTENSELY and i was thinking to myself "how dont people have panic attacks on this shit, i can feel EVERYTHING touching my skin rn" and i was listening to conversation but couldnt comprehend what was being said, or id respond in my head but not out loud.

so, lunch rolls around, and people sit with us, they comment that they had no clue i was high even though like 70% of my personality was gone and just in my head, so i was just floating by on auto pilot. and they decide "lets go to target", first of all bitch, yall are gonna take my high ass to TARGET? and my paranoia set in, i was like "yeah no, im gonna get kidnapped and i cant fight back because my body hates me" BUT MY AUTOPILOT ASS WENT ANYWAYS?? IT WASNT UNTIL I WAS IN A GIRLS CAR THAT I REALIZED "HEY THIS IS HAPPENING OH SHIT I SHOULDVE STAYED"

so, the reason we were going to target was because multiple instructors had quit working at the school, our instructor had to pick up the slack for the teacher who quit, he seemed hella overwhelmed, so we wanted to get him a card and a gift card for a date for him and his wife. well, you know me, ya boy marten, saw a fucking HELLO KITTY MOTHERS DAY CARD AND GOT EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO IT. so i refused to get any other card, i auto piloted to starbucks, got coffee but no matter how much coffee i drank, i still felt like i was dreaming and like nothing could fully wake me up.

so at this point, my boyfriend Judas and I are arguing because my high ass said some stupid shit, he has No idea im high as balls, so the entire time im paranoid, im worried my instructor who smokes weed on his BREAK will notice i'm high, i'm freaking out on the inside BUT NONE OF IT CAME THRU ACCORDING TO MY FRIENDS. except for when i went to the floor to just cruise thru and the girl who saw me cough up my lungs went "chile, you look so high" LIKE BRUH THAT DONT HELP. this shit was a sensation i can't fucking EXPLAIN. and i know somebody might read this and be like "this bitch weak wtf" like nah dude, i dont smoke, i live pretty much 100% clean outside of caffeine, the girl who let me have a hit has been smoking since 8th grade, shes now 28, so you can imagine that shit was strong as HELL LMFAO. i'm used to abusing speed and pain killers, its my drug of choice, i like feeling zoom, but weed is a whole fucking experience and it makes me appreciate being sober.

like i like feeling like i have control of a situation, cause bpd and shit, and the high made me feel like i had zero control of ANYTHING going on. speed made me feel like i had control of EVERYTHING. i see why my friends constantly talk abt being sleepy and shit cos tht shit made me fucking asleep while fully awake dude.

so anyways, that was my day today. typically everyday i'm in school irl goes wild, i hope anybody who read this far was entertained and totally doesn't think i'm a weak bitch LMFAO. ive smoked before i promise :((((

Monday, April 12, 2021 9:59 PM

side note, i took the hit at fucking 10 am, I didn't come down til 4 pm LMFAO bitch shit

[the-mf-bread-babies]

1/8/20

VOLUME FOUR, PART TWO~!

WHO ELSE IS WRITING IT?! ROCCO NORTH, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPTER ONE

I CHANGED MY MIND HE DOESN'T GET KIDNAPPED lmao

After their work in protecting the house, the family went to bed. Well, except for Aaron, who watched Damon sleep just in case he died or anything.

The next morning, they woke up peacefully, to the sound of–

EXPLOOOSIIOOONNSSS!!!

Well, SHIT !!! Aaron, passed out from tiredness was still sleeping on the floor, though. “Aaron!! Wake the hell up, there's bombs!!” Damon shouted, repeatedly slapping Aaron's face. “Huh…?” Damon gave up and dragged his dad across the bedroom floor. “Hey, hey, I can walk, dude,” Aaron assured, slowly standing up.

A loud boom echoed throughout the house, alerting them even more. Although, it didn't seem like it came from an explosive, but rather, an impact. Their first thoughts were that NULL was using a battering ram on their front door.

The family assembled in the basement, equipped with weapons and protection. “So, what the hell's goin’ on now?” Gabriel asked. “Man, I thought you were gonna explain it or something.” Damon sighed as he looked at the others. “Dennis?” “I literally was friggin’ shaving when I heard the sounds?” he uselessly explained. “I was performing satanic rituals for the plants.” Lan confessed. “Okay, dad, but seriously, where are these guys?” Aaron grumbled, rubbing his forehead.

CRASH!

A hole formed in the stone basement ceiling as it came crashing down, sunlight shining into the area. A small woman whose grey hair covered her whole body to her knees swiftly emerged from the rubble, dusting herself off and hopping back outside.

“Who. Who was that.” Gabriel asked. “Do we have banshees here?” Lan added. “To my knowledge, the only ghosts related to Irish folklore in this house are the deer leg ladies and the lady who keeps using the washing machine to wash medieval armor.” Aaron explained. “Other than that, nada,”

The family halted their conversation as they heard the sound of multiple people screaming for their lives. “Okay, well, what's that?” Gabriel asked. “I– Dad, I don't even know where the rubble lady came from!” Aaron whined, the screaming still in the background.

ace: “die, bitches!”

“Yeah, pretty sure that's not NULL,” Lan pointed out. “Their agents get shot on sight after using foul language.” He revealed. “Really?” Damon asked, thinking about how bad of an agent he would be if he was recruited. “No, I just made that up.” Lan confessed, smirking. “Why…” Gabriel questioned, looking at him with a disappointed face. “Why not?”

nova: “OOH, A STUN GUN, OH NO!”

“HOWEVER WILL WE MAKE IT OUT ALIVE?!”

“HELP~!”

The four paused, noticing a third person in the fight. “Rude.” Damon commented at the girl's behavior.

sarah: “guys i accidentally fricked up the floor”

“do we have to pay insurance or whatever”

“also whats insurance”

ace: “it's a scam designed for you to die.”

Andre: “What Ace said. Also, pretty sure we don't have to do anything, since this place is a ghost town, anyways.”

jake: “mhm also theres probably horses or w/ever so watch out for that lol”

orc: “I SAW A PILE OF FROGS EARLIER”

j: “or that sometimes yknow”

The family peeked their heads out from inside, eavesdropping on the conversation.

o: “YEA BUT THE THING IS”

“I DONT KNOW HOW TO HOLD FROGS”

sar: “you have to like. gently carry those gentlemen around. palm at the side, fingers supporting their body and your thumb keeps them in place, orc, my friend,”

a: “ALSO SPRAY THE BITCHES!”

s: “yea spray them they like it it's fun n stuff”

andre: “Where. Where's the little froggies.”

j: “idk im scared”

a: “coward”

o: “ALSO SCARED OF FROGS”

“THEY ARE METAPHORICALLY CHILDREN”

s: “explain”

o: “SMALL AND CAN DIE EASILY ALSO WEIRDLY SLIMY AND SOFT”

andre: “Babies aren't slimy tho…”

o: “FLORIDA”

an: “oh ok”

“NULL doesn't usually talk about frogs.” Dennis pointed out. “They don't.” Damon agreed. “Also, they don't have members that tall. Or short.” Aaron commented. “Rebel gang?” Lan suggested. Gabriel squinted his eyes, staring at the group. “Last time I checked, undercover NULL agents, even if they exist, don't hide that kind of hair under their helmets. That kid next to the banshee there definitely does not have helmet hair, I mean, the volume and all…”

“hmm? i think those are peeeoopleeee” “guyss” The stylish hair kid pointed out. “cuz i dont think horses look like that!!!!!!!” they exclaimed, strutting towards the basement. “im scared” “help” “yall” “yall means all” they continued, facing their group. “Well, damn, Ace, if it's a horse, give it a carrot or something.” another voice said nonchalantly.

“meanie” “ill kill u” Ace threatened threateningly. “I CAN GO WITH YOU IF YOU WANT!!” A voice offered politely. “thanks nova!!!!!!! andre u can choke” Ace thanked, proceeding with Nova to the basement, the family anxiously awaiting them.

Ace had a normal, skinny, 5'7"-ish body, and they had a sharp jaw and small eyes. Their hair was brightly colored, with brown roots turning into an orange and then into a red, with yellow tips. They were wearing a gray vest above a loose black sleeveless shirt. Also jeans and shoes. Ace is not naked or something.

Nova, on the other hand, towered over Ace. She wore a trucker hat that pushed down her thick hair enough to cover her eyes, and it was tied into two big puffs. Her hair was dyed different shades of green in small spots, making it look like a small, bright shrub sitting on her head. She wore a denim jacket with lots of enamel pins stuck to it. Beneath that was a grey t-shirt, and below that were ripped jeans and UGG boots… somehow, in the amalgamated world.

“Hi! We're the Russell family!” Aaron welcomed, nearly giving them heart attacks by LOON∆ i should listem to that again. “What the fuck?!” Andre remarked, leading the rest into the basement. He was wearing a silky-looking black button-up shirt with a red tie with dress shoes, and his dreadlocks were neatly tied back. He certainly wore a fancy look for raiding NULL bases.

“Yeah, I'm Aaron, this is my dad Gabriel, my dad Lan, my husband Dennis, and my son, (no matter what,) Damon. We have 36 cats and countless ghosts here. Please proceed with caution, most of these babies are strictly indoors-only!”

The group stared at them in shock, unable to believe anything Aaron just said. “How… do you get… 36 cats…” Andre asked. “We used to have a pet shop. It fell down, though, so that's that.” Dennis answered casually. “like. how. like fell down into space” A blue-haired man asked, earning him Damon's full attention.

“Yeah, into space.” Gabriel said. “Just straight down.” Lan elaborated, “No stops or anything, just ZOOP!” “Yeah, that's why we moved into a haunted mansion.” Aaron added. “So, what group are you guys in?” he asked, making a head shoot up in surprise from one of them.

He had gelled blue hair parted in the middle, and his right eye seemed like it had something inserted in it. He wore a dark blue denim jacket with ripped off sleeves and very short, tight jorts. He also had black wristbands, indicating a past emo phase. Or one that's still ongoing, as made obvious by his combat boots.

“oh its kinda indie u guys. u guys probably dont know it :,(” The blue-haired man said sadly, pouting. “We're called the…” Andre began. “C'mon, Jakey, say it.” “no its dumb” he grumbled. “skullsmashers. it's because we smash people's skulls. metaphorically.” Ace explained, asking Jake for confirmation. “right, 8-ball?”

“we really dont......” Jakey/8-Ball said sadly. “Oh, you named us this, Jakey, honey,” Andre contested. “So why can't we smash people's skulls? Like, clearly, I can take the emotional trauma or whatever, as long as it's NULL, or hell, maybe even some dipshit, I can do that.” he added softly.

“Ah, pretty sure they're not NULL,” Lan said, smiling. “So, did you kill them all of them or what?” he asked as he raised his weapon, a mace he was somehow managing to hold with ease. Like. A mace with spikes. Ace nervously played with their hair, sporting a terrified face. “what!?” they exclaimed in a high-pitched voice. “We can definitely take care of them. How do you think this place is officially a ghost town?” Gabriel asked. “Setting up traps and making friends with the local ghosts go a long way, y'know,”

“There's fucking ghosts?!” Andre exclaimed, pulling out daggers from under his arms. “Yeah, but they're nice, so it's okay.” Damon explained with not a trace of fear in his eyes, making Andre slowly put the daggers back in. “Oh, by the way, if you guys see an arm there, could you get it for me?” he requested politely, “And honestly, I'd like to make a pun with lending hands, but I can't seem to put my finger on which one I'd make.” He added, raising his bandaged stump.

“Oh, Jake, don't–” Andre warned before Jake fainted instantly from seeing the bloody bandages on Damon's wound. “I'm sorry,” he apologized. The fainting had sent Aaron quickly went to the operating room, just now realising that he hasn't changed the bandages yet. “uh lemme go check if theres any” the small woman said, scuttling away. “Thanks,” Damon said before following Aaron.

Dennis, Lan, and Gabriel stood awkwardly in front of The Skullsmashers, not knowing what to do. “So, uh, whaddya do?” Dennis asked, folding his hands together. “gamign” Ace quickly responded. “Well, we each tend to go our own ways, but occasionally we team up to raid NULL bases and stuff.” Andre explained, ignoring Ace's statement. “What about you guys?”

“Ah, so I like gardening, and also do some baking from time to time, and Gabriel here used to be a traveling psychic, but now he tends to help me with errands and chores and sometimes we communicate with the ghosts here. Dennis and Aaron used to run a pet shop near here, but now Dennis does some farming, and Aaron spends his spare time caring for our pets.” Lan explained.

“And I do the groceries! And all the other stuff that involves going outside,” Damon intervened, coming back with an anxious, squeaky-clean Aaron. “Which is why my arm got cut off.” he revealed, sitting down on the wooden floor. “ok im back did i miss anything :'//” Jake asked, waking up from his faint earlier. “… we'll catch up later.” Andre replied.

“arm!!!” The banshee yelled out excitedly, waving a cooler back and forth. “Great! Just toss it down,” Aaron said happily, reaching his arms out. Seeing this, Damon ran to the operating room. “Last one's a rotten egg!” he shouted, snickering. “Well, while they work on that, do you guys maybe wanna come in and grab a snack?” Gabriel suggested politely, eager to learn more about the group. “yea sure!! thanks!!” said Jake, who was joyfully running to the front door.

A large figure stood patiently outside the door, belonging with the Skullsmashers. It seemed like a gentle giant, tapping its index fingers together. It was definitely from another world. It had greenish grey skin, and its head was blocky and looked like it was separate from his large jaw that had two moles on it. Its eyes were big and white, and above them were thick eyebrows. And it was wearing what seemed to be a large, furry, ruff reaching his knees that were covered by jorts. Its shoulders were completely covered with a large spiky red boulder on each one. The creature was ten feet tall, and was very strong.

At last, the large doors opened with a creak, the sunlight from outside shining brightly into the house. It was the first time in years that the front doors were opened, and it was for good; they had stayed in there for too long.

CHAPTER TWO

A PROPER INTRODUCTION

The family and the group were sitting in the dining hall, awaiting the arrival of Aaron and Damon. A shit ton of homemade potato chips were strewn across a long plate in the middle as the main course. Lan had prepared a variety of dipping sauces and some napkins. They sat in silence.

“I don't mean to be rude or anything, but how… are you guys still alive?” Andre asked cautiously, starting a conversation. Gabriel dipped a chip in cheese sauce, then thought of a simple answer: “We really just hide and plant stuff. Also, we were really lucky.”

Nova played around with a fork, debating whether these people were real or not. Yes, NULL couldn't possibly use their precious budget to make intricately designed haunted houses with personal touches and residents whose personalities were very unique, as well as their relationship with each other, but, hell, maybe they can.

NULL always had a way to worm themselves everywhere, down to the place she stayed in, the people she knows, and, well, really, everywhere. Even if this family was what they presented themselves as, NULL could do lots of things to not only dishevel Nova and the group she was in, as well as this family, they can manipulate both of them to destroy each other. After all, that's the kind of thing they do– get someone else to do their dirty work.

Nova made up her mind, opting to ask them directly. “I also really don't mean to be rude, but given the large amount of undercover NULL agents and all the different ways they come as, I just have to ask… and this is a very dumb, and useless question, but are you guys in any way… involved with NULL?”

Dennis smiled lightly, understanding that this group was in the same deliberation as they were. “To be honest, we were gonna ask you that too at some point, but I personally don't think NULL agents would look this…” “well, they wouldn't, like… have wrists this limp.”

The room was silent for a while, before erupting with laughter. “You– you fuckin’ thought we weren't NULL because–” Andre struggled, wheezing. “No NULL agent would dress like that, Andre,” Gabriel pointed out, snickering. “Yeah, you think those idiots can achieve this level of interior design?!” Lan added, gesturing wildly towards every piece of furniture in the hall.

“… But really, to answer your question there, yeah, we are technically involved with NULL,” Dennis said, completely changing the atmosphere of the room. “We're classified as Class-4 criminals for, um, giving some of their agents here some mild inconveniences.” he added in a serious tone. “And by mild inconveniences, I mean a few cases of attempted murders, robberies, hauntings, and other stuff like that.” The group sighed a breath of relief, knowing they were both on the same page.

“I have to say, 45 cases of attempted murder and two cases of successful murder does sort of count as a bit more than a mild inconvenience, though, Dennis,” Lan said jokingly. “Oh, and remember when someone planted poison ivy that somehow mysteriously completely wrapped around the whole base they had here, down to the basement?” he added, grinning. “Okay, well let's not compare our crimes here, dad,” Dennis teased. “Everybody knows mine was the best attack yet when I trapped them inside the base by encasing it with raw eggs! somehow” he added, cackling.

The two families had a great time together, laughing and talking about their experiences in the new lives they lived caused by the amalgamation. Meanwhile, Aaron was carefully reattaching an arm to an unconscious Damon. After some hard work, he succeeded, and did his best to celebrate in the operating room.

However, at this point, he became too tired to do so, considering the fact that he alone performed an entire surgery. Still, it was a miracle for both of them. He waited for Damon to wake up and see the finished product, but he ended up passing out while making a celebratory coffee.

The two slept well and endlessly. The rest of the family, however, were faced with a tough decision to make. Dennis, Gabriel, and Lan had the same question echo in their minds:

“Would you like to consider joining us, The Skullsmashers?”

It was a question Andre always asked to those who he saw potential in, no matter who– or whom, no idea. They could be two friends living in a dilapidated house with rats and mice, or three odd creatures in a grocery store, or even some nervous teenager who suddenly asked him to kill someone in the middle of his New Year's Eve party.

It's not that he simply sees something out of the ordinary happen and immediately hands out flyers, but it's that Andre has been gifted with an eye for this type of thing– take, for example, the situation at hand.

Andre raids a NULL base with his friends. The fight continues into the abandoned city the base was in. His friend lands into a basement of a house. Sarah, the friend, points out that there are people living in said house. Said people are clearly weird.

Resident asks for his arm back. Very weird. Still little to no potential, except maybe for interior design. Residents invite them for dinner. Residents have knives and shit.

Potential spotted. nah jk lemme do this again lol

[TAKE TWO]

Okay, okay. Andre doesn't just see people doing weird shit and immediately hires them, contract and all, but instead he observes them further.

If he sees someone hurling flaming batons into the sky, that person does have potential, yes, definitely, but what kind? This style of combat could definitely be a possibility in their attacks, given the practicality and the ostentatiousness of it.

However, it's an art one could hardly practice. The perils one could face are far too much for such a display. But, even though it's inconvenient, it's still very useful. If there was a good amount of accelerant on the baton, an enemy could not only receive a strong blow, but the added accelerant will most likely set them on fire too, rendering them not only useless in further combat (unless they're a very determined individual) but also a potential threat to anyone near them.

And the fact that a person is employed as the weapon is more convenient than, say, a large flaming baton-throwing machine, which would be difficult to program and to bring to an attack.

However, Andre also has to consider the person (itself? themselves? idk man) in an approach. Maybe they're NULL, or maybe even just someone who wants to throw flaming stuff into the air with no deeper meaning or intent. Maybe this person is unsuitable for combat; maybe this person is an enemy or a rival.

The approach is like a job interview– ask them about their experience in the field, if they have any other [good points?? is good points the word], if they're okay with joining the group– but sadly, he lives in a world where anything wildly good or wildly bad can happen, and it makes the whole process a whole lot more harder.

So, maybe these people inviting them over for a meal might give them a new addition or two. Or, sadly, remove some members.

Will the Russell family join The Skullsmashers? The decision has to be made any second now.

• end •

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Real feel: mother fucking wear your gloves!!

So 36 cars all sweept in most with red Xs

19 cars altogether got pulled over

2 cars got arrested I saw one being towed away. Almost 3 did but he self soothed himself and calmed down.

My dad (uncle) came and every car left in the parking lot took off in flight.

Denise the clone also came. She can't jump stsrt a car so she expected me to wait for her then wait for a tow truck and my dad knew we were gonna get in a fight cause ita too dam cold for that and she's on her rape cycle and I refuse to get in a car with her. Because it's annoying and I don't want her feeling satisfied she can breathe the same air as me.

It's 5 minutes, 10 at most to jump. 45 minutes to wait for a man and its like 20 minutes to the store.

And i learned how to jump start without lighting the cables on fire, now. Lucas says "oh please! That's the best way!" But not really. It doesn't actually work...

I have no circulation... So I was ice cold in like 10 minutes. So it would had warmed me, tho.

But yeah dad pulls in and suddenly everyone acts like they're escaping jail.

.... I know i should just went in and stared at that super hottt clone hottie that was super super hot and stocking water... But that IS kinda creepy even if he is Just a clone... I was all driving by in my Wal-Mart wheelchair cart and I was all whoa... Is he..? Wait i gotta see l.. Because he squatted down with his hot warm balls beneath him and so I was all lets stop right here in the middle of life and discuss what's on our shopping list until he comes up from behind the pallet...

"Oh my God. Now i see why I was so in love with you William" while my heart literally leaps from my chest bounces back and goes out of rhythem while pounding through 2 shirts.

So then we laughed at my reaction for half hour

Dam he was rugged and hot...

One time I picked up William early for work and I seen him and he ducked behind some concrete shelving used to block off the street from traffic...

And oh my God...

I was walking and I seen him and I was all "oh does he loo--" and he looked at me, i swear and ducked and so i was all "well I'm gonna go see. I don't think William will mind.. Its not like i totally think hes sexy but he might be... I'll just go see... Is it William..?"

Because he was waaaay sexier at work than home... Like there it's all comfy and fun and sexy but this was outside and he looked all sparkly and God like like yum

Now he claims he saw me and saw "a woman on the prowl way too sexy to be at the job site for any work related reason" so to be safe from a kidnapping situation he decided to hide

And hide he did

I leaned over to peek and he kept hiding and hiding and asked some guys at the truck "is she gone?"

"No"

One asked "why are you hiding from your wife?"

"Man! I got one at home! Well i am engaged. Man is she crazy? Does she look it?! Fuck man! Im gonna be so busted! I need to get home! I can't get kidnapped! Fuck this!"

And my eyes got real wide and the guy at the truck just shrugged cause i was all what do i do?!?!

So i kinda jumped and leaned over real far over the cement shelving. "Well HI!!"

I was gonna ask him if he thought i was a psycho bitch then to my face but i slid on the plastic and unfortunately I was wearing a shorter dress than usual.

So he stood up "ma'am I'm just checking the paperwork ill be right back" and ducked again.

"Baby! Uh hi! Baby I don't want to yell but I think i just showed everyone my thong!!"

"What?! Okay i have to finish the uhh paperwork. Man my wife ain't even here shes at home finishing up supper or something"

"Uhm baby! There's a lot of men here which one do you want me to go home with?!"

"Uh any!! Just not me!!"

Mind you everyone is looking at me and him and listening. This is outta control and m6 husband does not say that shit to me, i tried being solid now it was fight time. So i leaned over the other end of the cement wall he loved more than me and lowered my voice "hey psst yeah. Psst William man that crazy bitch is gone now. Jump in the truck and we will take you home!!"

"Really?!?!" He lowered the clipboard he hid behind. "Oh... No.., see.., no i got a ride already!"

"Yeah with me you dumb goon"

"No in here see!" And he jumped in the back of the truck. "I finished the paperwork. Alright let's go!"

So i started to walk over and he jumped way far back in the truck

"Can you please help me? Are you the one i called?" I asked the guy laughing painfully through the whole ordeal.

He looked me up and down real hard "you sure you dont want me to take yoh home?!"

"Am i even at the right construction site?!?!"

"Yes you are. Here hand him this piece of paper." Then he yelled over "HEY WILL she called a little before lunch and left a note and asked if it was alright if she came up and surprised you and i said yeah.. I didn't know you would go a little crazy..."

"She ain't my wife!! Shes too sexy!"

"WHAT??? IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!! IM FUCKING COMING UP THERE YOU BETTER GET DOWN!"

"No fuck you bi-atch!!! Wait... Honey? Is that you? I recognize your fingernail because you smashed it the other day"

"Oh it's alright. Just come down" i pleaded.

"With the hammer..." He began walking towards me "let me see it" he looked at it. "Miiiiike if you ever do that again I'm beating the shit out of you." And he sat at the end of the tail gate "well i already got a ride home, with him."

"Okay fine"

"Wait let me see what you have in your hand. These are our keys!! These are mine you're not having them and not allowed in my house Like that... Dressed like a... A... Skank!!"

"Well what do you want me to do? Stay here and get gang raped?!"

"Jesus Christ okay babe prove to me you're my wife"

"Okay fine but don't tell me your sorry" i went around the truck and took off my panties wadded them up and stuffed them in his hand "they're your favorite"

"Yeah but everyone knows that!"

"Who do you tell? Who the fuck do you tell about your favorite panties?!" Like im beyond mad. And I am yelling.

"Yeah well where did you get that dress?! Whose money did you use to buy it??! Hmm?"

"Ive had enough of me" i tried to get MY csr keys back and he wouldn't let me take them "being mother fucking nice to you" he was stronger than me So i tried to armpit trick

"Fuck you being mean to me! Come here!"

"You'll tear my dress! No! My shoe!"

"I think she's really upset at me. I think I've upset her" I bent to fix my shoe and my dress didn't cover ... Anything... Back there. "Hey quit it will you?!"

"Just give me back the key to my car and keep every thing else. Fuck it. Im tired of you anyway. I cook i clean and i come to surprise you and this is what i get and I REFUSE TO CRY HERE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE SO GIVE ME BACK MY SHIT!!!" and i threw the paperwork in his face and busted his nose.

"I,understand you're my baby but did you need to hit me in the face and make my nose bleed?" He said calmly snd slowly

"Youre not bleeding, oh yeah you are. Use the panties"

So this bastard stands up in the back of the truck with my panties to his face and says "Hey Everyone, I'd Like You To Meet My Wife!"

"We've seen a whole lot of her already"

I turn around and there's not 5 or 6 guys anymore. There's 30.

"Oh shit" and I pull my dress down. "Can we just leave?! Please?!?"

"Yeah!! Lets go!!"

So he picked me up and rushes to the car with me and a bunch of dudes come around the corner and i tell him to put me down cause I can feel his hand on my bare ass.

So hes all "goddang it why did you dress so sultry?!"

"For my husband!!! who is apparently a God dang Ass Hole!!!!!!! when hes at work!!"

"Oh honey i didn't mean anything by---"

"Come on let's go!!!" As we rush around the corner there's like 50 construction workers staring hard. "I am never doing this again!!"

"Why?!"

"Hurry and please open the door!!" He reached across and unlocked it

I covered my face with my hands "oh my god oh no you're insane!"

"What? What are you saying to me?!"

"Don't you know you have PTSD? Male trauma? Because I Didnt!!"

"Well yeah I was kidnapped when i was like five!!"

"But you didn't even know me!?!"

"You never wear makeup and not dresses that short!"

"I do all the time!! I walk around partially naked all the time!!!" I looked at traffic "its just the lipstick here let me wipe it off"

"Thats better you could did that at the construction site!"

"Well i just put it back on in the car and I didn't know that's why you were freaking out and going insane on me!!"

"Put it back on?! Why the Hell?!

"I ate a biscuit"

"Why did you put it on in the first place?"

"Have you seen in my caboodle? I have a ton of it! When you get home, look!!"

"Okay alright i will"

"Where are we going? I thought we would go to Tulsa"

"Not now! I gotta go home to make sure you are --- you!!! Now come on!!

"You're the one driving"

"Its my car!!"

"No! Its mine and my dad's see the registration?!?!"

"That's it I'm gonna pull over. Let me see the mole that's on your thigh"

"Its not a mole! Its a freckle!"

"Fine let me see it And you drive!!"

"Okay Okay fine I'll let you see it"

He looks "ok you're you then!"

"Who else would i be?!?"

"A clone!"

"From the freezer?!? Come on! Not me! Let me drice then!"

"You're losing your cool and you never do!"

"Omg Jesus Christ are you kidding me?!?"

"Uhm no"

"I need to start smoking pot. We need to get our own place and we do then this happens."

"Smoking pot?! Uhm no! I do not think so! Here you drive then!! You're a nervous wreck. You need control"

"No i need sex but my husband is INSANE!! I try a nice surprise to be unspoiled and then this happens!"

"Who calls you spoiled?!"

"YOU DO!!"

"Jesus Christ! Do you want a hotel?!"

"What?! No we got dishes at home. They will get me unstressed"

"HON-EY!"

"I'm getting in the back seat PULL OVER!!"

"Now I'm talking! You think i want you to come all this way to go home?"

"BACKSEAT!!!"

As soon as the back Windows fogged a truck of his co-workers drove by honking.

When we finished he said

"We are going home because you NEVER do that to Me!!"

"It was a surprise!! And no im not driving! Im staying in the back seat!"

"You NEVER do that to Me either!!!"

"Well it's a surprise!!!"

I wanna cry he upset me so much so I'm,all screaming from my throat and it sounds all shrill and out of control and hes like trying to calm me down and I don't want to be upset and feeling like life is out of control but he really showed me shit i hadn't seen and I was scared to be at home because what was next? I used a different sauce because I was pregnant and so he throws me out into the street? Barefoot and all because i look different? So i just cried myself to sleep in the back seat of my own car because I didn't know what else to do and it was the only thing i could accomplish that day,

I heard the car door open and close...

He didn't go around the other side to open and get me out... It was dark and cold already.

"There's no one upstairs. Now what do you want to do?" He sat in the car

"I'll just go to my parents. I'll come get my clothes later"

So he yanked open the car door, jumped out, threw the seat forward, yanked me out of the car, threw me over his shoulder, put his hand over my bare ass and carried me up 3 flights of stairs.

Put me in the single comfy chair we had and made dinner.

He sat on a pillow on the floor next to me and fed me.

"What are we going to do if i get pregnant and my body starts to change?"

"Ill just take pictures. I'll use my Polaroid"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I had found out I wss pregnant that morning... Feeling sick like crazy... I took a test in the gas station bathroom. Wrapped it in my purse and went and bought a new dress and shoes and went home, took a bath did my hair and thought I had the whole day still so i should go surprise him at work and go out in Tulsa and make it special... Not days later after the whole town had to come over and seperate us from fighting cause I'm kinda crazy pregnant... And after 2 weeks of couple's therapy and he says "oh baby you're sick a lot i think you may be pregnant. You think?"

"Oh yeah i am. Check my purse."

He did take me out to Tulsa... And I was a bit sad... Because we had been through a lot since that day.. And i wanted telling him to be really special... Turned out he was.

.

.

.

I had taken Polaroid of myself that morning before i got dressed and one from the side and then one after. And wrote "oh!" "Baby!!" "Surprise!" And the date.

Cause I learned how to set the timer and take one of myself

So he went and got them abd said "okay im sorry i shouldn't yelled at you for taking naked Polaroids of your self. Now I see why you would take them. Okay?"

"I guess."

"DID I NOT APOLOGIZE RIGHT?!"

"MAYBE I DIDN'T YELL AT YOU RIGHT WHEN YOU YELLED AT ME!!"

He got up like he was fuming mad and circled me like a vulture i Put my arms up and he circled me 2x more then stopped in front of me and I put my hands on his neck

"Are we going to bed? Ill cook dinner after"

"Mmhmmm I'll help!"

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 8]

And here we are at the end. I hope you’ve all been enjoying the ride, because it’s about to get a whole lot weirder in this, the final chapter.

Warnings this time around: a whole lot of drug use, some underage drinking, DUI but it’s okay because Tiaa is a vampire, bestiality, and an attempted sexual assault. Also did I mention drug use? There’s a lot of drug use.

Recap: Tiaa met a panda bear named Snoofles on her way to school (please don’t think too hard about this) and learned that she can now talk to animals, among other abilities. Thanks to a vague new ability of hers, she accidentally made her mean classmate Lauren get struck by lightning while they were in a verbal spat. Edward finally decided to leave Bella for Tiaa and the two celebrated by having sex in the middle of the school. Bella walked in on them and got upset.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

hey guys sory its been so long since an update, i hav been so busy latley. sooooo..i had a fight with my old beta but i have a new 1 now an she is helpin me byut she is on vacaton this wk and next so i promise i will sort the spellin mistaks out wen i can!

Did she refuse to beta your fic after you stole her poster of Gerard Way?

Chapter 8 - the Kidnap

I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awsome with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more. 

Tiaa doesn’t care how beautiful she is, but she had to start the sentence off by reminding us all how beautiful she is. And that she looks awesome. And her hair is exotic.

Whatever that means.

Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad. 

Wait, are you mad Edward is attempting to prevent Bella from committing suicide?

how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? 

That doesn’t mean he’s fine with letting her make attempts on her own life, Tiaa.

I was pissed! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe. 

I love this goddamn sentence.

So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties and i smoked some drugs and started to weep. 

To be fair, this is a really solid stoner-goth aesthetic she has going.

…wait, hold up, leather panties? 

Leather panties?

dave came in and made a big smiley face.

He’s in a really good mood for someone whose brother was murdered hours ago.

"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick)

Okay, for the sake of argument, I’ll buy that Dave visually mistook a spliff for chapstick… but can he not smell that she’s smoking weed?

"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.

Love how Tiaa is suicidal but still needs to make sure we know how pretty she is at all times. Reminds me of the bit in “My Immortal” where Enoby was flirting while sobbing.

"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!" he said laughing a lot, and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff. 

Well, replace “homework” with “getting raped by the relative of a caregiver, turning into a vampire, and accidentally seriously injuring a classmate” and Dave’s on the money.

he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses.

Do I really need to tell this girl to stop humanizing her rapist? She killed him in self-defense! It was one hundred percent justified! C’mon, Tiaa, don’t be so hard on yourself.

Also, nobody cares about Lauren.

"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" i shouted at him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT (i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!)

Well, yeah, that is weird, but I don’t get the woe-is-me attitude about it. Telekinesis is a really cool ability. Also, turns out Dave is literally so dumb that you can be an obvious nonhuman smoking weed in bed while screaming about wanting to die and he’ll take you for an ordinary teenage girl holding a tube of chapstick.

"haha, i guess your right" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin) 

…so did the ashtray miss?

"its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty. i swear your even prettier than before! 

I can’t help but feel that the amount Dave and Marie compliment Tiaa on her looks borders on inappropriate, considering she is sixteen and they are her foster parents. 

and i think your boobs hav grown!" 

Case in point.

"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said.

I guess it’s a good thing she’s a vampire, then, since I’m pretty sure vampires can’t get back problems.

Wait. Can vampires get high? Does being high feel different if you’re a vampire?

Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left.

That Dave!

I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) and went out to the local nightclub which was called Pablo NIghtmare - it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks. 

Listen, I don’t know Washington State, but in my neck of the woods small towns don’t have goth nightclubs. 

I love that she specified the pills were drugs, in case we thought they were sugar pills or something. 

bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL! 

If there is a goth nightclub in your small town, I guarantee you everyone has heard of it.

i met snoofles on the way and he came with me. 

You’re taking the panda out clubbing?

we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music. 

…I’m starting to get very confused about Snoofles. My initial impression was that he’s a regular panda bear, but Tiaa is able to communicate with him because she’s a vampire and can talk to all animals now. But I don’t think ordinary pandas go to clubs, get drinks, and dance to heavy metal music.

Although I’ve never met one, so I could be wrong.

ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda, but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.

I adore the similes in this fic. No idea what Tiaa is on but I definitely know what the author means by feeling like there’s snow everywhere in your head.

"hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. 

So… not like straw, then.

he was tall. 

Yeah, you mentioned.

he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!)

No, it’s good, I dig it. Simple goth on top, bling on the bottom, may or may not be wearing pants? It’s a look.

"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?

"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.

"what is wrong Jasper?" i said

"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. i am gay, and thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!" 

Of course he’s gay. Look at his outfit! Look at those shoes! I can’t even see him for real and my gaydar is going wild.

"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said. 

"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.

Good on Tiaa for being an ally. I love how Jasper reacts as though he’s never considered the possibility that his gayness might be alright. He’s a vampire too and has been alive for well over a century, so that’s a lot of internalized homophobia… but he’s also been around to witness the entire modern LGBT rights movement, so you’d think he might have gotten the “it’s okay to be gay” message before.

"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay and everything" i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back. 

If you just got a bad feeling about what might happen next, trust your fucking instincts.

he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs.

I really wanna know what they’ve been taking, because even though Tiaa isn’t human I feel like anyone who can get high should have to worry about drug interactions. Weed and alcohol is fine, but aside from that I have no idea what the hell Tiaa is on except that she described it as “pills” and a lot of drugs that come in pill form do not play nice with alcohol. She probably isn’t going to fry her liver or anything like that given that she’s essentially undead, but I doubt she’s immune to having a bad trip.

we had a relay good time and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car. 

A note: At this point in the story I quite literally had to stop the MST for a bit so I could pour myself a very stiff drink. 

The panda has a car. The panda is having a threesome with a vampire and a human in the back of his car while another vampire drives it. This is treated as normal because the panda and his two human(oid) sexual partners happen to all be gay.

Like, I’d normally feel pretty weird about the “promiscuous gay” stereotype being invoked, but I’m way too busy feeling weird that the author thinks it’s normal for gay guys to want to screw a panda because the panda happens to be gay too. Also, keep in mind Snoofles can only talk to Tiaa — the dudes he’s having sex with can’t understand him. I’m gonna say a panda who behaves like a human and owns a car is probably capable of consenting, but I still feel mighty weird about the idea that two dudes who perceive Snoofles as an ordinary, non-talking panda would want to have a threesome with him.

I guess the promiscuity aspect isn’t even bad considering how Tiaa and Edward have been acting with each other throughout the fic. The bestiality, though, I have trouble overlooking.

(i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!)

Sure, but do you even know how to drive? In most states, it’s not legal to get a learner’s permit until you’re Tiaa’s age, so we’re not talking “experienced driver with superhuman reflexes,” we’re talking “superhuman reflexes, but on somebody who quite possibly has never sat in the driver’s seat of a car before.”

but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us and i had to stop the car and get out. there was a man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness. 

But was his black hair like the black feathers of a black raven in the black darkness? I just want to be clear on the color.

he was good looking but he looked so angry i got out my samurai sword (i often have it with me!) but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me, there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! 

Oh, of course, her samurai sword. Yep. Been with her the whole time.

Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice, i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other - it was so cute but now was SO not the time! 

She’s being attacked by a group of ten or more people, who have overpowered her, restrained her, and blindfolded her, in the middle of the road. Three people (well, a person, a vampire, and a panda) are present and they don’t notice this happening at all.

Like… I know they’re all intoxicated and, uh, otherwise occupied at the moment, but did they not at least pause to notice Tiaa slamming on the brakes to avoid colliding with a stranger in the road?

The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.

when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room and the tall mussel man was in front of me. i was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move.

Tiaa has superhuman strength and reflexes. She has telekinetic abilities. She can affect objects and people by touching them. 

Yet she can’t get out of being chained to a chair?

I call BS.

"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.

She sounds like Wheatley from “ITS MY LIFE!” now.

"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING!" he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!

Jacob’s a big dude who can turn into a wolf, but he’s also about fifteen and just learning about the whole werewolf thing, so I doubt he’d be “king” of anything. Also Tiaa could take him easy.

"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted.

I don’t know why she reacted so negatively to Jacob’s response. There is a longstanding vampire/werewolf feud in the Twilight universe, but Tiaa is very newly turned and shouldn’t know about any of that yet. Learning your kidnapper is a werewolf sucks, but if you’re already a vampire you’ve got an edge too.

"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.

"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!" he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. 

So… not like rain, then.

"YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! 

I’ve got to change this blog’s name right away. I don’t know what I was thinking naming it “The Half-World” when I could have named it “The Half-Bread.”

Also, hold up — what did Tiaa do to Bella? Is this just about “stealing” Edward? Jacob and Edward aren’t exactly buddy-buddy, and if Bella’s single Jacob has a chance with her, so if anything I think he owes Tiaa a thank-you.

YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!" 

Well, this really does speak for itself.

This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down. 

Sounds like my second-grade teacher. She was the daughter of a well-known Republican senator and she had to resign after she tied a kid to a chair with a jump rope. True story.

But something he said had caugt my attention .

Good job on the punctuation.

"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.

What do you think he meant, genius?

"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!" 

I guess this does explain Tiaa’s extra powers, but, I have to say, I don’t think Jacob gets to criticize anyone else for being freaky when he can turn into a wolf.

Of corse! It all made sense now! 

It didn’t all make sense. There’s still an interspecies gay threesome that needs explaining.

I was so shocked I fainted,

and also got my periods and commas mixed up,

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom.

Honest to god I love these similes. 

he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me! 

I think I have an idea, actually.

but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

IT WAS EWDARD!

Here to save the day! And to end the fic, because this is it for “Forbiden Fruit”: BeckyMac666 left us all on a cliffhanger, so we’ll never know what happens.

I do genuinely love this fanfic. I love how it’s written, I love the similes, I love the purple prose and the melodramatic tone, and I love my girl Tiaa. It’s a truly fantastic badfic, and I’m happy I got to introduce others to it, too.

[metropol-blog]

Welcome to Paradise

ROADBLOCKED

So I have to go to the court in the next town 30 minutes from here. I need to leave my monthly signature wich is one part of the sanctions the court put upon me instead of sending me to jail. My car does not start and I am already late, its 02:15pm and I have to be there before 03:00pm or I am in trouble. Non compliance would result in me going to jail for 6 month. I am wrongly accused of armed kidnapping and my house was raided by thirtyfive elite swat police dudes who broke all my doors at 05:30 in the morning.

Three month ago.

My only option to be there in time is my motorcycle. It is illegal since five years and the insurance is not paid as well. But what can you do. So I jump on my Suzuki 650 DR, put my red cowboy scarv over my nose, put on my streamlined oakley sunglasses and off we go on the dusty rural country roads of costa rica.

After about 15 minutes I bang around a tight corner and almost crash into a blue pickup that blocks the road in front of me. “ oh accident...” I think, I want to help.

But before I can stop my bike three police men jump on me and because it is a gravel road I can not stop fast. So they think I want to crash through their roadblock and get away. They get very aggressive in their behaviour and are hanging on to me like three little kids hang on to their favoured uncle on a sunny sunday afternoon.

Of course I was contemplating to crash through and get away because I do that sometimes. I was lucky I did not in this particular case. About two kilometers down the road they had a second roadblock wich would have caught me for shure.

Finally we all stopped together amongst flying gravel and they were not in the most friendly frame of mind towards me. I was not wearing a helmet, no safety vest, insurance not up to date....they knew they got me and inside that made them very happy and satisfied. And me knowing all the other things not in order that they will find now I sank into a mood of instant, silent and deep dispair: Not only am I already accused of armed kidnapping and tied up in legal battles..., but now on the way to fulfill my court order... I also get caught with my illegal bike... I only had to use because my legal car did not start...and now they gonna

confiscate my bike... and the fine will be massive... My life is not going so well for me at the moment.

And the nice red cherry on my fucked up cake of a momentary live situation is that one of the three cops is the commander of the SWAT team that kicked my doors in back when at 05:30am that day when they arrested me. He was the point man that kicked his bulletproof shield into my face before they knocked me to the floor to tase me. Oh fuck me dead I think to myself, pull my red bandana from my face, look at him with a smile and with the most sarcastic tone I can muster I greet him:

“ Hey!” “ you remember me?” “ What a pleasure to meet you.” “Again.”

Of course he remembered me but I think he was a little bit embarassed because he tried to pretended to not know me. Its allright brother, dont be shy I thought to myself and switched off the bike.

This is gonna take a moment. And I will miss the deadline at 03:00pm in the court . And my life crumbles down another step towards the edge.

Now the second guy, wich is the traffic cop, looks at me as if he wants to ask me for my drivers license... I take off my sunnies, fold them into my red bandana, carefully, and then firmly look into his eyes.

“You have a drivers license?” 

“Of course officer” I answer.

“A1 for cars and B3 for bigger bikes like my bike here”. “I also have a swiss drivers licence and an international drivers license”.

“Can I see it?” he asks.

“I dont have it on me officer.”

“You have any ID on you?”

“No I do not officer. I have permanent costa rican residency free of condition, and I also have a swiss passport.”

“But not on me”

I give him my ID number and he starts to google me on his police hand computer with integrated printout for your fine at the end. An impressive little gadget you have there mr. policeman I think to myself.

“Both your drivers licenses have expired 7 years ago” “That is correct sir” I answer. “You have the papers of the motorcycle on you?” “ No I do not officer. They are at my house. I can go get them quickly....?” Now his hand printer starts to spit out the first fine. I was impressed.

Its gonna be a long fine I realized.

“No helmet, no safety vest, no roadworthy test...” he mumbles, then he looks up to me and says:

“We will confiscate your bike”.

I can not believe it and want to hit my head with my fists in desperation. “Dont confiscate my bike, officer, please...” I look at him. I am desperate. So I try to bribe him: “How much you want? I give you money but dont confiscate my bike.Please”

He acts a little pissed off, pretends to never accept bribes and starts to lecture me about the legal consequences of attempted bribe of any official employee of the state. I wave him off signalling to him that I of course never would attempt to try to bribe him.

We both know he only does not accept my bribe because there are two

more officers of the law present.

I my desperation I turn to the SWAT guy and tell him that I am only here because I have to go to court until 03:00pm to leave my monthly signature. And I only used the bike because the car did not run. And not only was I under pressure to get to the court in time but also under pressure from life in general...

To my suprise it seems I have the SWAT cops ear a little bit because he realizes that I technically tell the truth.

And of course he also remembers when he kicked my face before he fucking tased me to the ground. He gives me a warm look and a faint smile. I continue that I only have 20 minutes left to be at the court and what can I do now? Can I at least order a taxi, go to sign quickly, come back immediately while you watch my bike here and prepare the fines and get the bike ready for confiscation...?

Its a desperate attempt but you got to try stuff...

To my surprise the cops seem to start to understand the predicament I am under but of course they dont show it. They are human. You can talk to them. Its stinking hot, we are standing under the full blasting costa rican midday sun and the SWAT guy starts to be the SWEAT guy.

He sweats profusely in his blue jeans, combat boots and his tactical vest under the FBI jacket.

I look at the bike, I look at the cops, I look at the pickup and think to myself: “ Good luck loading my bike onto your pick up. She weighs 250 kilos and I will not help you lifting it since you are not on my team”

Its seems the guys realized this too. After all it is a 650ccm motorcycle and not a little toy. They too can see how difficult it will be to get the dang thing up on the truck without any type of ramp. In this heat. Already sweating like a wet fish.

I do not give up yet and because I am a fighter I try another strategy and ask him if I could go to the court quickly with the bike, then come back and then you confiscate it...?

But no reaction from the cops.

But then, to my absolute astonishment, the traffic cop says: “O.K. we will not take the bike. We only confiscate the plates”

“ Wow. Nice move mr. officer” I thank him.

Feeling a little bit better I realize I still will not make it in time to court because even if I order a Taxi now it will take too much time for it to get here. If I could use the bike but it has no numberplates now so I can not use it anymore...

“So I order a Taxi?” I ask the traffic cop and he gives me no answer. He is busy writing fines and by now there is about 1 meter of fine hanging out of his handheld gadget.

The other two cops have started to try to take the number plate off the bike and they rip so hard I see the bike will fall off the stand in any second. So I jump over at the bike, kick the stand forward, turn the handlebar full right while I pull the front brake to keep my bike from falling over and getting damaged by my two new friends.

They think I want to attack them and almost jump into the ditch all weapons pulled ready to repulse my attack.... I lift my hands to show my peaceful intentions and they calm down. They recognize I am a peaceful man.

So I hold my bike securely in place while the guys continue to try to take the number plates off my bike. They both sweat profusely and while I watch them I am wondering why it takes these guys so long to get these plates off?

It is now that I see that they dont work on the plates but that they work on the sturdy metal base the plates are fixed onto...with two little worn out screws...but they dont see it... They rip around more, get a little toolkit, take out bigger pliers, a hammer, but still dont seem to be able to get these damned numberplates off the bike....

I almost die of laughter inside myself watching these two idiots revealing to the world that they cant even differentiate between number plates and a solid metal number plate base on wich the aluminium number plates are fixed onto and wich is part of the bike and not meant to be confiscated.... Can you really be this stupid and not see that....

I continue watching this comedy unfolding in front of my eyes. And if I would not hold my bike strongly in place with my firm grip they would have dropped it five times already anyway. Thats how much they rip around. Well guys, I will not help you. I will not drop my extensive knowledge on the subject onto you. Since we are not on the same team. I let them learn by doing.

I look over at the traffic cop and my fine is now touching the dusty and baking hot costarican ground. In silence I gaze at the dusty tips of my shoes and shake my head in desperation.

I look at the traffic cop and ask him: “... so do I order a taxi now? Please...I have to be at the court before 3pm....” He ignores me and prints out another one, rips off the whole fine wich is now over 2 meters long, rolls it up, hands it over to me and says:

“you can go now”

“You can keep the bike, the numberplates you can pick up in Puntarenas. Once you paid all the fines. And in the future I would be more careful”

The two other guys also finally finished damaging the structural integrity of my bike. I could not believe it but they really ripped off the plates including the whole metal base thing with nothing more than a pair of pliers, a hammer, brute force and no brain.

“What do you mean: You can go now? And what do I do with the bike?” I ask the traffic cop.

“You can go now” he answered. He smiles at me faintly, actually looks very friendly and I can see he is actually a nice guy. Because I still am not shure I heard correctly I ask to confirm: “So once the Taxi arrives you watch my bike quickly until I come back from the court?”

“ Go now!” he says.

So hang on here I think to myself: “ You let me go WITH my bike?” “You let me go WITH my bike!!??”

He smiles at me and repeats “Go!”

I can not believe it. This is why I like Costa Rica. If you are polite and honest with cops and tell them a good story that technically could be true they actually might let you go on your merry way. I mean this will never happen to you in Switzerland. At all. Trust me. So I smile back at him and for the last time, just to confirm, I ask “ So, inspite of the 9 fines you just gave me, inspite of the fact that I am driving now even without number plates, you let me drive with my bike from here to the court, do my business, drive back through here without you stopping me again, and then I drive on to go home with my bike?” He nods his head with a smile and as baffled as I am I look at him in gratitude. “Thank you brother thats a very nice move” I say as I put on my red gangster bandana again... my Oakleys... and before I take off I ask him: “ What do I do if some other cops stop me?” He says: “Just show them your fine and you will be fine” I nod my head as a last thank you and because I will be back in a moment I say: “See you” and on my merry way I go.

While I drive away very slow and civilized I am laughing out into my red bandana, hoping he does not hear me, asking myself: “ is this real... ?” I mean...

Think about it, my bike is shure less legal than before they stopped me. Now that it even misses the number plates. But... he still lets me drive on with the thing. You gotta love Costa Rica.

Shure enough, two clicks down the road I run into the next police roadblock. I stop, pull down my bandana, take off my shades, to let them

know its me, find my rolled up fine and want to unroll it in all its lentgh, beauty and glory but the cop waves me on. He was informed of me on the police radio. “Hmm, lucky I did not crash through the first stop...” I think to myself while I continue down my way in awe.

In awe of whats happening to me. In awe of costa rican traffic cops. In awe of myself and life in general.

“Get the fook outta here...!” I shout into my bandana.

I sign at the court. After 20 minutes I am done there and I drive back. When I am about to meet the police roadblock again I pull my red bandana down to make shure they recognize me, slow down, raise my left hand to wave a warm hello not beeing shure if the cop wants to stop me again or not but the cop waves me through laughing at me....

And when I come to the stop that initially pulled me over with my friends I just slow down a little bit, lift my left hand and wave at them like the pope while I breeze through. They smile at me while I pass through their roadblock and wave me on.

As soon as I am around the corner and disapear in a cloud of dust I open the throttle and shake my head in astonishment as I ride home.

“You gotta love it...”

#armedkidnapping #lovethecops #costarica