#Fast digital processing & tracking

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[hungwy]

a little essay on how i understand photography exposure to work because. like. itll force me to conceptualize more clearly. you get it

three stages: aperture, shutter, sensor

there is an order to how cameras experience light: aperture -> shutter -> sensor. in terms of clarity, each of these settings have settings.

aperture

the aperture controls the clarity of image by controlling the angle of how light enters the lens (measured in "f-stops": low f-stop = wide aperture and vice versa). light entering the lens indirectly (not going straight into the sensor) bounces around, producing what you see as depth of field. restricting the aperture makes the angle of entry for light more acute, and so light cannot enter as indirectly, thus sending more light straight to the sensor without any diffusion. this restriction however literally reduces the amount of light that can enter the lens, and so the tradeoff of full-image clarity is low luminosity.

shutter

the shutter determines the amount of light the sensor is exposed to over time (measured in fractions of a second). mechanical shutters block most of the sensor from light, only allowing a sliver of light between the blades in as the shutter scrolls across sensor; electronic shutters simply turn the sensor on for however long its supposed to. a fast shutter speed only lets a single moment in at the cost of a less light reaching the sensor (darker images), while a slow shutter speed lets many moments and thus much more light in at the potential cost of blurriness. the tradeoff is, again like the aperture, high clarity versus low luminosity.

sensor

sensor... sensitivity... is basically the gain applied to the light which hits the sensor, termed ISO. ISO originally comes from film [emulsion] speed, or how sensitive the camera film is to light (and it's measured in whole numbers from like 200-25600 or something like that, not sure why--definitely something to do with film). a highly sensitive film emulsion needs less time to fully develop, but without control can cause overexposure, and also emphasizes inconsistencies in the texture of the film itself, which is seen as noise or film grain. digital cameras sought to emulate film ISO by giving users control over the gain of the sensor. increasing gain boosts the total light levels of the image at the cost of also boosting the inherent digital noise present in the electronics of the sensor. ISO gives one some final control over the luminosity of the image (and in film the speed of development) at the expense of graininess. once again, in a manner of speaking, high clarity against low luminosity.

exposure triangle or trading off

since each stage of light modification (lens -> aperture -> sensor) controls luminosity for the next stage (as well as the final product), if one wants "clarity" in general, there is almost always a necessary tradeoff between the primary quality (luminosity) and secondary qualities (depth of field, blurriness, grain).

since each stage of photography modifies the total amount of light in the final picture, there is nearly always a tradeoff occurring in the process of photographing. the primary quality, luminosity, must be preserved in order to successfully take a photo (or else you won't have enough light to see it). if you don't have enough light to begin with, some sacrifices must be made at one, two, or all of those stages to have enough light. how you prioritize these settings moves you around the inside of the exposure triangle (google an image of it, you'll understand).

photographing motion clearly

so for photographing runners in an indoor track, for example, you probably don't want a low shutter speed. that makes it impossible to make out the individual forms of the runners. but since you're indoors, you likely don't have enough light to work with. so you give priority to a shutter speed that will give you clarity of the runner's movement. this reduces the total amount of light getting to the sensor, and you're in a relatively dark environment and need to brighten the image up. you can't choose an extremely shallow depth of field because you need to be far enough away to get their full body into the camera, and you can't boost the ISO too high because everyone thinks graininess is unprofessional. so you need to modify both, such that you maximize the depth of field without the runners themselves getting involved in the blurriness, and then kick up the ISO little by little until the image is properly (not underly or overly) exposed without being noticeably grainy. maybe you take a few steps closer to get a higher fstop, too.

photographing stillness clearly

let's say you want to do some nature photography, maybe some plains sitting at the foot of a mountain range at midday. you want everything from the foreground to the clouds in the sky to be clear. so we have to give priority to a high depth of field, which means setting our aperture to be as small as possible. this of course greatly lowers the amount of light making it to the shutter, so you must balance between shutter speed and ISO: if you know there's nothing really moving around, you can choose a lower shutter speed which makes up for the rest of the luminosity and keep our ISO still low. if the clouds are drifting somewhat fast and you have wind blowing across the grasses, however, you're going to need a slightly higher shutter speed so as not to blur these details and then compensate by boosting the ISO until it's either exposed properly or almost unbearably grainy. (it seems like basically every nature photographer is using denoising filters in photoshop anway...)

prioritizing two stages?

in the case you must prioritize two of these stages, there are basically only out-of-camera ways to save the photo. for low ISO + high fstop, you need both a low shutter speed and stillness of subject or tracking equipment (and probably extra lighting). for high shutter speed and low ISO, you'll want a low fstop, and so getting closer to the subject (and probably extra lighting). for a high fstop and high shutter speed, you'll need a very high ISO -- or really, extra lighting. it seems like in any case where you have to prioritize extreme settings for two stages you should really just look into finding better lighting.

conclusion

so in most cases you probably have to sacrifice at least a little clarity in two corners for gaining clarity in one. that's what the exposure triangle symbolizes. that's why it's important to know ahead of time what your subject will be and how you'll photograph it!

of course this is all just for the photographer's ideal of "clarity". there are beautiful photos which are overexposed, underexposed, blurry, grainy, smeared with motion, et cetera. but that doesn't mean you can't ignore the exposure triangle--there are very rarely photos anyone want to see that are just totally black or white. you have to adjust these stages so that you get actual, comprehensible lighting, both light and shadow

[mariacallous]

Elon Musk and President Donald Trump, publicly at least, are on good terms.

Yet when it comes to the staff in and around the new administration, it’s a different story. Just two-and-a-half weeks into Trump’s second term in office, a fissure has begun to emerge following Musk’s DOGE takeover of the US government, according to a half-dozen Trump loyalist Republican aides and advisers inside and around the administration who spoke with WIRED.

“I think it’s more the staff who have an issue with Elon than President Trump,” a Republican aide familiar with the discussions around DOGE and the administration tells WIRED. This staffer, like others, requested anonymity to relay sensitive conversations due to fears of retaliation.

In the space of a couple of weeks, Elon Musk and his associates have taken control of multiple government agencies, and a cadre of young and inexperienced engineers with ties to Musk have been given access to some of the most highly sensitive federal systems through DOGE. As Musk’s associates tore through the federal apparatus over the first weekend of February, a ride-or-die MAGA Republican operative who knows President Trump personally confided something to WIRED they never thought they’d find themselves saying before the past two weeks.

“There could be a collision course coming here at some point,” they said when asked if there’s a brewing freak-out over Musk in Trumpworld. “He’s getting too big for his breeches.”

The motivations of the people WIRED has spoken with cover a wide range. Some Trump campaign veterans hope White House chief of staff Susie Wiles will intervene, while other Republican operatives think the emerging rift is a problem despite having no personal animosity toward Musk. Others stand to gain personally or professionally from a Musk ouster.

Beyond increasing frustration over Musk causing headaches for the administration—which many of these Republicans consider to be more optics issues than full-blown policy disasters—the Republicans who spoke to WIRED had little to no idea what the proper chain of communication is supposed to be between agencies and the White House.

On Tuesday, Trump went on Fox News to declare that the new DOGE staffers were actually working in the White House, even though he said he hasn’t seen them. Minutes prior, a senior White House official told WIRED that “DOGE is part of the White House” now. (Confusingly, Trump established DOGE by repurposing the existing US Digital Service as the US DOGE Service, an agency under the Office of Management and Budget, via executive order.)

The Trump White House official said DOGE checks in with them “every day.” Yet when asked about the nature of these briefings and if they could offer any specifics as to whether they take place on a schedule or with early morning priority, a common practice for those tasked with liaising between agencies and the White House, they had none.

The DOGE briefings are “as needed,” the senior White House official said.

What distinguishes this staff-level discontent from the grumblings during the transition about Musk’s proximity to and influence over Trump at Mar-a-Lago is that actual policy decisions are being made—so many and so fast that it's hard for even the president's most loyal foot soldiers to keep track.

While the staff’s qualms with Musk are rather straightforward, nobody seems to know how to handle the high-velocity and high-volume nature of the DOGE government takeover.

“Listen, when the process is going this fast, from extreme outsiders, the communication is bound to be a mess,” says Matthew Bartlett, a Republican operative and former State Department official under Trump in his first term. Bartlett says the rest of Washington is getting their first real taste of the Silicon Valley–influenced attitudes driving much of the private sector, now in the form of twentysomethings from DOGE appearing on government calls.

“I mean, listen, this goes to the old adage of Steve Jobs … finding you in the elevator and saying, give me 10 seconds to tell me what you do, and justify your job,” Bartlett claims. “That is legendary stuff in the private sector—and maybe it worked—but, there are so many nuances to government that it makes addressing and making wide, sweeping changes highly problematic.”

Republicans who landed administration jobs aren’t exactly shocked a possible rift is emerging. “Can't say a lot of that surprises me to hear,” an administration source familiar with the discussions tells WIRED. Sources say many people have turned to Wiles as one of the only people who could even attempt to reign in Musk.

“Some of it is, she’s gotta balance being the gatekeeper to the president and having Musk kinda going rogue on a lot of this stuff,” says the second Republican operative familiar with the discussions. “I think she’s very smart and very talented, and very loyal to President Trump, so she’ll think about how to navigate that best.”

That, of course, depends heavily on her boss’s desire for any sort of gatekeeping or insulation from the possible looming Musk implosion many of these Republicans are bracing for.

“I’m just hearing the president is entirely enthusiastic about his efforts, and they are working together very closely,” a source close to Trump who speaks with the president regularly told WIRED. “And that comes from someone at the very top. Not him, but someone under him.”

Without any tacit approval to step out in front of the boss, the staff are left with no other viable options to express their reservations about how Musk has been operating.

Trump’s own awareness of what DOGE is up to appeared to be in question after his Oval Office news conference on Tuesday.

Shortly after he suggested that the federal government should deploy the young DOGE staffers as air traffic controllers—“We should use some of them in the control towers, where we were putting people that were actually intellectually deficient,” the president said—the same senior White House official quickly dismissed the comment as a serious proposal.

“Lmfao no,” the White House official told WIRED in a text message. “You guys need to learn how to cover him. He was making the point that smart bright people need to be ATC’s [sic.].”

Trump simultaneously suggested the DOGE staffers are young and “very smart,” but also that “some are young, and some are not young. Some are not young at all.” He has also insisted everything is fine around Musk’s role in the administration, and that the billionaire “can't do and won't do” anything “without our approval.”

Several Republicans in and around the Trump administration declined to speak on the record about Musk, with one GOP operative summarizing the dynamic as too hot to touch.

“Off the record—yeah, I’ve heard about some of this. But, look, as of now, I’m gonna keep out of the space between the world’s richest man and the world’s most powerful man,” a Republican operative in Trumpworld told WIRED in an encrypted message, followed by a smiley face emoji. (This Republican later agreed to let WIRED use this quote under the condition of anonymity.)

“I have to believe a lot of this is a performance by people who are worried about getting fired,” a Trump adviser said of the staff’s patience wearing thin with the world’s richest man.

The dynamic between Trump’s loyal aides and Musk, already riddled with varying degrees of mistrust over Musk bringing in his own people, is made all the more complicated by the X owner’s relationship with Florida governor Ron DeSantis’ entourage. Musk’s ongoing work with the firm Pathway Public P2 Affairs, which is staffed by several alumni of the DeSantis campaign, continues to irk MAGA loyalists who thought DeSantis’ allies would be frozen out of the consulting space after Trump’s victory. Now, they’re in “these positions of influence … especially with Musk,” says the second Republican operative. This is a particularly fraught dynamic when it comes to Wiles, who was iced out by DeSantis after she helped him become governor of Florida.

“There’s concern about Musk and others being involved with people who went to the mat for Ron DeSantis and spent hundreds of millions of dollars against Donald Trump,” they later added, after claiming the collision course with Musk could happen sooner than expected.

There were also several Trump advisers ready to go on the record to publicly bash Musk for what they considered to be his bungled get-out-the-vote effort through America PAC after the general election, should Trump have lost. WIRED reported extensively on the working conditions of door knockers for contractors for America PAC, including a group of canvassers in Michigan who were driven around in the back of a seatless U-Haul moving van and threatened to have their pay and lodging withheld if they did not hit their quotas for Blitz Canvassing, a subcontractor for Musk’s PAC.

“Operatives that really know what’s going on, people want an audit of America PAC for the sake of America First,” a Republican operative tells WIRED.

Some of these Republicans, it seems, want a DOGE for Musk’s outside political operation. “The point is, who is auditing?” says the second Trumpworld operative.

What’s most notable about these Republicans reaching the limit of their patience with Musk is that for the most part, they were pretty big fans until recent weeks.

“I think people have been very annoyed by it,” said the Republican who wants an audit of America PAC. “And I mean, look, I think Elon's really important. Everyone's grateful. It's just sort of an unnecessary situation.”

[chadfallout76podcast]

"Deah Shroud!: A Nick Valentine Mystery" EXPLAINED and AMA

It never occurred to me to do this last year, but a lot of people have asked me questions about our Fallout 4 play in the last year in the Discord, so I wanted to open an AMA but also explain "Death Shroud!" and some of the broader themes involved in it.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Part 1: Pre-production

Before I get into the story, I wanted to explain how this production even came about. Over the years after working together on some official community projects with Wes Johnson through Bethesda, we became good friends. I took a couple of his acting classes and he talked about the Fallout For Hope charity initiative I started and asked for help in organizing the gaming community for his Alzheimer's Association fundraiser. The idea was to host a month-long digital event of discussion panels, game shows, improv and a play with as many different voices of video games, film and TV as we could round up. In our second year of his VoiceAPalooza fundraiser, I wanted to do an original old time radio show and see if could bring back as many of the cast that we could from Fallout 4. It was Wes who first suggested an adventure with his Silver Shroud character (that he voiced in Fallout 4's radio plays) teaming up with Nick Valentine (voiced by the amazing Stephen Russell). Valentine is, for me, one of the best written, unique companions in Fallout lore.

So, I reached out to Stephen Russell who had joined us before for charity work and he was all in on bringing Nick Valentine back to life! After that things moved fast with Bethesda's Pete Hines and Emil Pagliarulo joining us to have some fun for a good cause. We tried to get EVERY companion from Fallout 4 that we could, but schedule wrangling is tough, and some people are just impossible to track down or find. Matt Mercer would've loved to have joined us as Macready, but unfortunately scheduling didn't work, so the best we could manage would be a holotape (the only reason our snarky gun running merc had to take the big sleep in the story).

After having everyone plugged in to reprise characters, it was time to put fingers to keys and find the story...

Part 2: The Deep Lore

The origin of this story started with a thought: how would the NPC's and characters we love perceive modification of their universe by us? We, as players aren't the true creators of this universe or these characters (Bethesda is). If anything, we the players are the equivalent of "lesser gods", reshaping it in new ways, unexpected and subjective ways, and sometimes even chaotic ways (I'm looking at you avalanche of adult mods with realistic jiggle physics and Thomas the Tank Engine Vertibird).

It started with a mental image of the small ways in which we start out modding games, or even the first mods we (using the "Engine of Creation) actually create. I had a mental image of Magnolia doing her thing, singing away sultry in a crowded and smoky third rail when she looks one way, back the next and sees new curtains. A subtle thing, something a little startling, but in a universe where recreational drug use is met with a YEEE YEEEE WHEEEE...a change you simply dismiss as being overtired or a little too juiced.

I'm a sucker for old time radio. I grew up listening to classic radio horrors like The Whistler, Suspense, and Lights Out on vinyl records and cassette tapes when I'd spend summers with my grandmother on a little island off the coast of Canada. Getting the tone, feeling and sound to stage an old-time radio show was the easiest part of this whole process...it's baked into my brain lol. The key of course is finding the right narrative voice.

Enter: Bill Lobley. If you play Fallout 76, he is the announcer for the "Tales from the West Virginia Hills" holotapes, but before that he's a prolific voice actor, maybe best known for his role as the truly vile Jeremiah Fink in Bioshock: Infinite. He has a FANTASTIC transatlantic voice for old time radio and was perfect as narrator in the script.

Part 3: What Is Going On?!?!

I had the base idea, the voices to pull it off, but what was the meaning and message of the whole thing? I always start there. From a meta experience level, the story is about dealing with subjective reality that’s being torn apart. After Fallout 4 launched in vanilla, we the players changed that world and reshaped it with mods. The small changes in perceived reality are meant for the omniscient player (us) and are not meant to be perceived by the characters themselves...and yet, what if they were? And if they were...WHY?! The answer was right in front of me: there's a difference between something born into a world and something MADE into a world.

You take someone like Magnolia or Nick, both synths, that obviously weren’t naturally born from two people. They were conceived as an idea...a human idea sure, but still they were made, not born. Without even needing to say in the script, the Trickster from the Grognak comic books who shouldn't exist yet does IS also an idea. Some MADE into a world but not born...a different world sure, but still the creation of it. Nick, Magnolia, any synth as ideas themselves would sense that the world was wrong and being changed in a way no one else would because of fundamentally who they are and what they represent.

Everything that unfolds is because Nora as a keystone event in the Commonwealth, a focal point of the causal nexus making her a unique entity in that world. A causal nexus is the link between a cause and its resulting effects and ignore the science mumbo jumbo, because here's an example of how that works:

The Sole Survivor, Nora, listened to Kent's message, chose to answer him and put on the outfit of the Silver Shroud. As a unique figure she shifted perceived reality of everyone in the Commonwealth by becoming the Silver Shroud, acting like him and making people believe that a fictional character exists.

Unfettered belief and faith in an idea = manifested reality.

Rejected belief and faith in the idea = dispels that reality.

This HAS happened before in Fallout lore in the instance of people with horrifying backstories and personal tragedies choosing to become someone else such as the Mechanist (Fallout 3 and Fallout 4) or even the Ant-Agonizer (Fallout 3). This time however it was a unique figure who did this, a figure fated and meant to reshape the Commonwealth for good, bad or ugly.

This opened a door, the door through which another figure could influence and enter a new universe provided it take the form of something already in it...a reality side-step into the form of the Mechanist. Concurrently, the moment that happened, reality counterbalanced by making the Silver Shroud who was already believed to be real BECOME real as the ying to the Mechanist/Trickster's yang.

Now at home in reality, the Trickster found himself very much alive and unbound by story but had very little power to do much at all. He needed something more, an idea and faith that already existed in the Commonwealth with the infinite universe of ideas made, but not born like himself. His goal wasn't power, it was to sow chaos, reshaping reality into a realm for any and every idea despite the consequences to reality itself.

So what did he need? The belief in the Old Gods and a focus point of belief in the idea: a staff. The universe is as adaptive as it is remarkable and where the Mechanist had its opposite: the Silver Shroud, the Trickster needed its twin: enter Sheogorath...because what better staff to tear apart and reshape reality than the Staff of Sheogorath. There is a quest added in the new Skyrim Anniversary Edition in which you can build it for yourself with a few items: Branch of the Tree of Shades, Ciirta's Eye, Fork of Horripilation. In this universe it would have to fashioned with things FROM this universe.

Two eyes were needed:

The eye of a True Believer: Kent Connolly

The eye of a True Seer: Mama Murphy

Affixed to the top of a staff of the purest heartwood from a Twice Born Tree. Living wood from Harold, born a man who eventually mutated into a living tree.

Lastly, it had to be soaked in the tears of ages end: barrels of radiated blessed waters courtesy of the Cult of Atom.

The Trickster had no magic of his own in this universe in which to act, but thankfully courtesy of some powerful allies, he was able to make contact with shadowy cults and worshippers of the old gods who gave him the name of someone truly of faith in the old magic to make all of this work: Jebediah Blackhall, who in this spin of the universe did unfortunately get his hands on the cursed book: the Krivbeknah.

Finding allies was all too easy, as the events post main quest left the Commonwealth changed. To many, the Sole Survivor and his/her companions would be hailed as heroes. To others, they would be villains, particularly in light of what Nora CHOSE to do to the Railroad to end the synth threat for good. That's a lot of blood on the hands of heroes...

As the Mechanist/Trickster, Blackall and the Lombardos began using the staff, its changes and shifts in reality rippled backwards through time, as changing one specific thing would change its entire existence. You change some curtains and the manufacturer of those curtains only every made one pattern...the world object becomes changed universally. Tapping into the Engine of Creation to make these changes, leaves anyone MADE not born aware of them as they don't fit into the design as it shifts around them. Nick, Danse, Magnolia would all feel and see it, be thrown off for a bit before settling into the changed reality state.

At the climax when everything starts falling apart and you get everyone from GlaDOS and the Joker strolling on in, the only way to end it all is to separate the Trickster from the Staff and restore the saved intended state of reality. The Silver Shroud finds himself powerless against the Trickster...only someone from this universe would be able to intercede, hard wired into the Engine of Creation itself as an existing element connected throughout its framework and history. After sending the Trickster off packing to the moon (thanks GlaDOS), but its a little too late for reality. It collapses around them, finding themselves elsewhere...the point between the mind, creation and the outcome of reality.

After the Shroud fades away, Nick has the power and choice to roll the universe, his universe back along the tapestry of choices that led him here. They all were haunted by the choices they made the first time around, something Nora couldn't live with...that ultimately led her relationship with Danse to fall apart. So Nick decides to go back further, as far back as he can go and he finds himself back in his office with Ellie waking him up.

There are consequences to what he's done, that he's not yet aware of, ones that will become clear in our next episode. The synths remember, as he remembers...Danse, Magnolia and everyone else remembers the fall of the Institute. They all find themselves at their starting point, moving towards their intended fated position to encounter the Sole Survivor. For Nick? He's starting down the path that will led him to be held prisoner and meet the Sole Survivor for the first time.

As he'll soon discover however, things don't play out the same way this time. Moreover, while he was rolling back reality to an early saved state, he made a huge mistake and completely forgot about something and someone so incredibly important...

You'll have to wait to see what that is...

[dlstmxkakwldrlarchive]

(article) SHINee's ONEW and Taemin, the same vibe that still stays after leaving SM

The cute boys who sang 'Replay' with their ripped jeans are still SHINee, but at the same time, they engrave their names in the public through their solo artist career.

SHINee debuted at SM Entertainment in 2008, and all of the members continued their relationship with SM until half a year ago. Including their sixteen years of activities as trainees, they've been under SM for quite a long time. Then, in March this year, Onew, SHINee's leader, and the Taemin, SHINee's maknae, left SM.

Onew built a new nest as the first artist at Griffin Entertainment, a new agency, and Taemin headed to Big Planet Made Entertainment. The two moved their new agencies in April. In just a half a year, they will release a new albums at their new agencies: Onew will release his third mini-album FLOW on September 3, and Taemin will release his fifth mini-album ETERNAL on September 19.

Onew released his digital single 'All Day' last month, but this is the first album released by Griffin Entertainment. Onew's new album, which is about three weeks away from its release date, and not much information about it has been released yet, expresses his ambition to make this fall a 'season of Onew'.

[...] Onew has a soft tone, so he's strong in emotional music, and even when he was at SM, he released a solo album taking advantage of this. The mood that can be seen through the concept photo is also lyrical.

Taemin's new album ETERNAL is just around the corner and his first album in which he participated in the production. Taemin participated in the entire process from music planning to the music video. His new agency hinted that Taemin's color is fully captured. There are two title tracks: Sexy In The Air (that expresses Taemin's intense energy) and Horizon (that expresses Taemin's autobiographical story of breaking the mold out of familiarity)

[...] The visuals are sensual, too. Taemin's unique identity, which showed genderless sexuality through MOVE and WANT, is expected.

Onew and Taemin, whose albums releases are about 15 days apart, are expected to perform music with the same vibe even after leaving SM. Many listeners' hearts are already beating fast at the thought of facing warm Onew and hot Taemin.

[starrymused]

@lannamused

Why did he feel like he was going to be sick? It wasn't like he needed to be nervous or anything; he'd been kept in the loop every step of the way as Jack and co. worked on bringing Yang down. With the help of Yeon-woo, Jack and Polina had tracked down every colleague of Yang's that held a copy of his blackmail tape. Jack had assured him that they'd ensured all physical copies had been destroyed (Polina had taken it upon herself to quickly check they were legit before doing so) and Yeon-woo had hacked into their servers to track down any digital copies that might be floating around. Once he gave the all-clear, he then shared some interesting secrets that Pretty Savage had been keeping with Alexei. With those in his arsenal, the lawyer was able to pull all of colleagues together to work on not only exposing Yang and the company for their shady dealings but to begin the process of securing Yang's assets so that they could later be passed on to Dae and Singularity.

Dae was touched, more than he ever thought he could express. He'd gone through his life with the mindset that he could only truly rely on himself and that everyone else would just get in the way or backstab him. He knew he was a key player in this gang and that he was needed for the drug side of the business due to his company shipments being the main way for drugs to travel. But he could also sense the care and sensitive approach that was put into this job. He really appreciated it.

With all of that going on, leading to this moment, Dae knew this was it. This had to be the end. As he stood in front of one of Polina's torture warehouses, he took a breath. They were far away from the city, out here in the countryside. There were no houses out this way and the nearest gas station was quite a drive off. Gunner who was used to driving Alexei all over the country said that barely any vehicles drove out this way so there would be no disturbances. He was alone to deal with this evil that had plagued his life since his teenage years (unbeknownst to him at the time) and someone who tried to ruin it completely since the last two.

But he wasn't alone to face it. While everyone else was still working hard to keep this under wraps and prepare for any challenges, Dae had Kwang-sun here with him. Kwang-sun had been the one to keep tabs on Yang, stalking him like prey, until he was given the go-ahead to capture him. Despite his quick-temper and desire to cause Yang suffering, he'd done it with the proficiency he was known for in his professional life. He always knew what was expected on a job and worked to achieve that.

Dae was glad he was here.

"Okay," He spoke calmly despite how fast his heart was racing. Damn these nerves. Why was he nervous? "Let's go in."

[spoofymcgee]

"Clary, where are we going?" Jace asks for the tenth time–or maybe the hundredth, she stopped paying attention the second they got to the station and she had to sort out tickets.

"To the moon," she says, absentmindedly, scanning the digital list for the right stop. "In a big rocketship, we're going to find out if it's really made of cheese by trying to set it on fire."

He makes a derisive noise, slumping against the wall next to her like he's got no bones. "Come on, everyone knows humans can't actually go to the moon."

She pauses and turns towards him very, very slowly. "Excuse me?"

He holds her gaze for ten seconds and then loses it, hiking his shoulders up to his ears. "I'm kidding, I know about the moon landing. Simon showed me all the videos about Buzz Legstrong or whatever."

She squints at him and then shakes her head, going back to the screen. "The sooner I get this done the sooner I can pay attention to you instead."

"Or," he suggests, basically plastering himself around the frame of the ticket machine, "You could start doing that now, and we could go home and you could do that all day. I'm much more handsome than the little stick guy there, and I can buy you a smoothie from the kiosk."

She snorts. "You mean I can buy you one. Anyway, Mister," she peers at the little animated name tag, "Tracks? God, where's the creativity. Whatever. Mr Tracks can get me tickets to the special surprise I put a lot of effort into arranging for you, so I think I'm good."

Jace wilts, and then peels himself off the wall to wrap his arms around her waist and look at the processing screen. "Clary."

"What would your astronaut name be?" she asks him, not acknowledging the point of his chin digging into her collarbone.

"My name isn't good enough?"

"Not for going into space it isn't," she says, just in time for the machine to ding and spit out two freshly printed tickets. "I'm thinking... Blondie McBabeface."

He hums, consideringly. "That's not bad. Maybe I should start introducing myself like that."

"Or I can just call you Sweetcheeks and call it a day," she suggests, and can more or less hear him smirk.

"You know what else is sweet," he starts, and she slaps a hand over his mouth, cramming her fingers into it to jab into his hard palate to stop him. It gets them probably an equally strange look from the little old grandma waiting in the next line, but at least she doesn't have to hear anything other than his gurgling sounds.

"Moving on," she says, and drags him off to the gate. "Come on, stop complaining. I've got M&Ms in my bag if we make the train on time."

A bad idea as it turns out, because she always forgets how fast Jace can run. She makes him wait until she gets her water bottle out to ice her shoulder before handing them over.

[wordpress-blaze-233777389]

The Son Tay Raid, North Vietnam, 21 November 1970

Source: The Son Tay Raid, North Vietnam, 21 November 1970

[beardedmrbean]

A UCLA student is suing two California doctors, alleging they inappropriately "fast-tracked" her for an "irreversibly damaging" gender transition, starting when she was 12 years old.

Kaya Clementine Breen, now 20, filed her suit Thursday accusing Dr. Johanna Olson-Kennedy, who runs the nation's largest transgender youth clinic at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, and numerous other defendants, of rushing her into transition to a male and overlooking her mental health struggles and history of sexual abuse.

"She needed psychotherapy," the suit reads in part. Instead, Breen was "fast-tracked onto the conveyor belt of irreversibly damaging" transgender medical procedures.

Breen began puberty blockers at age 12, started cross-sex hormones at 13 and underwent a double mastectomy at 14, according to the suit.

Olson-Kennedy diagnosed Breen with gender dysmorphia "mere minutes" into their first appointment and recommended puberty blockers at the same meeting, according to the suit, which accuses the doctor of concealing important information and even outright lying to Breen and her parents about the risks and necessity of treatments.

A spokesperson for Children’s Hospital Los Angeles told Fox News Digital on Monday that the Center for Transyouth Health and Development "has provided high quality, age-appropriate, medically necessary care for more than 30 years."

The spokesperson continued in an email that the center does not comment on pending litigation, nor does it comment on specific patients and their treatment.

Olson-Kennedy came under attack this fall after admitting to The New York Times that her team had not yet published research showing that puberty blockers did not lead to mental health improvements among young people to avoid the findings being "weaponized" by critics of transgender medical procedures.

Breen started seeing a therapist shortly before attending college and realized she "may not actually be ‘trans’ but rather had been suffering from PTSD and other issues related to her unresolved trauma," according to the suit.

She has since stopped taking testosterone and says her mental health has improved, but "her body has been irreversibly and profoundly damaged" to the point that she is "almost certainly infertile," the suit claims.

The Golden State has increasingly positioned itself as a sanctuary for transgender people, passing a shield law prohibiting police from cooperating with out-of-state prosecutions for people who seek transgender medical procedures and drugs in California, and banning school districts from notifying parents if their child identifies as a gender that's different from their school record.

Breen's lawsuit, which seeks unspecified damages, was filed the day after the Supreme Court heard oral arguments over whether states can ban gender transition care for minors.

Also named in her suit are Dr. Scott Mosser and the Gender Confirmation Center of San Francisco. Olson-Kennedy recommended Breen get top-surgery from Mosser, and surgery was scheduled "after a perfunctory virtual meeting" with someone on Mosser's staff, the lawsuit says.

The day of the surgery, Mosser met with Breen and her mother for less than 30 minutes before he "rubber-stamped" the operation.

A spokesperson for the Gender Confirmation Center cited HIPAA when declining to comment on "protected health information or pending litigation," but told Fox News Digital in an email that there is "no such thing as a rubber-stamped patient interaction at the GCC."

The center referred Fox News Digital to an additional statement from Mosser reading in part, "Our robust processes and protocols are designed to ensure that patients navigating our services fully understand the implications of the gender-affirming procedures they may choose to undergo as part of their transition."

The statement continued, "We regularly hear from former patients sharing updates about the overwhelmingly positive impact these surgeries have had on their lives—messages that continue to arrive many years after their procedures."

[sabianandocs]

Hey broski, how do you draw so fast?? You make extremely technically impressive works like, every two days. I have multi-month-old sketches! How do you do it?

Anyhoodle, toodaloo and please have a truly wonderful day/evening! ^ ^

Ah, well you see my friend-

I am. Going insane.

No but for real I'm just extremely lucky to have the skillset that allows me to spit out art pretty quick! Part of it is definitely fueled by the hyperfixation; when something gets ahold of my brain and I have ideas for it I just kinda have to make them. I can't do anything else until I get them down on paper or digital canvas. So, some of my artworks do take 6+ hours to throw together, I just happen to have done it all in one sitting like a maniac.

The other part of it is that! Art is fun to me! I don't stress out about every single detail being good, which makes it a lot easier to make stuff kind of quickly. I've also been doing this a long long time, so I've learned a lot of things that make the process faster for me (example; rather than coloring inside my lineart by hand, I fill in any gaps and then use the 'magic wand' tool to select the outside of the lineart- the negative space, that I don't want colored- and then invert it and use a huge brush to color the whole thing in in one go. Then I just set that layer to 'alpha lock' so it's literally impossible to color outside the lines. Saves a lot of time! I still have to be careful keeping colors inside the lines that are inside of that area, but it's less to keep track of)

It would take me a whole lot of paragraphs to explain my whole process, and there are probably things I do that I don't even think about that make things faster without me realizing. But, really, the main thing I think is just that I've been drawing for so long, and I also happen to just be lucky.

Another way I speed up my process, I think, is just that I'm familiar enough with certain concepts (like, for example, how a jacket sleeve folds) that I can draw those things with fair confidence without needing to do a sketch underneath, or I've come up with a simplified way to draw them that doesn't take as long as sketching out all the technical stuff. Just because I've drawn them so many times before.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the time it takes is less between individual pieces, for me, and more all of the years and years of practice that you don't see that got me to the point where I'm able to draw that fast.

Also, you think my art is technically impressive???

That's a huge complement, thank you! I'm trying really hard not to imposter syndrome myself over here, but I definitely still see my art as being very rudimentary. I was really slow to get good at art (like, years and years of just garbage), and sometimes I still feel like I'm stuck at that level of 'fine, but not great'- especially because I'm able to work so fast; it kind of feels like, well, if I'm able to make it that quick then it can't really be good. BUt!!! That is not true!!! And it's bad to say that about myself because then other artists who are like me will feel bad and they shouldn't!! Everyone works at a different pace and it's not an indicator of skill or quality, it's just another stat on your skilltree

Anyway. Thank you very much! I hope this post was?? Helpful?? Or at least entertaining! I hope you also have a wonderful day/evening!

[maskedchip]

I am looking thru files rn and take a lot of pictures of my own art for progress, bc I think like many creatives, it's hard to explain or describe how i get from point A to B in art. im a horrible teacher but this piece for example: (explained under cut)

i tried drawing their little cafe outfits really fast but i just didnt vibe with it. idk what made me want to redo the whole thing. i like the attempt at cooler colors for asougi though. so then we move onto these and:

the first pic looks like an absolute MESS, but what i generally do is get a sketch down, and COLOR out of the way first? I assume it's to set the general tone/ vibe for the piece, which is why you notice a lot of plain color blocks in the bg. then i go back and do lineart and merge all the layers to paint! :D

tbh it's a very back and forth process, and the best way someone described it to me is "you put down blobs of color and then go crazy" which is very, very true.

I think i like the aspect of "carving" in traditional art, where you kinda play around with paint so you go over it again and try something new. so i try to apply that to digital. i think in a lot of my pieces you can see i teeter on the line of messy lineart with color to full blown painting.

anyways there was no point of this, but this is why i always wanna keep track of old art and why i go and revamp old concepts. like i can always try again! also why thumbnailing is very. very. important. but my main goal in art is to have fun when u can, so that's why i play alot.

[shesthespinstersimmer]

Graduates (5)🎓

Abeba Girma

Valedictorian / President, Young Lawyers Association / Broussard Justice Recipient

Abeba has done it again - highest GPA, on the fast track to make Junior partner before she even moved into her desk at the law firm. Her parents, Ephrem and Mazaa are over the moon. 

She will be taking a position in international law to help refugees and people who cannot afford to pay with immigration issues. She also secured a grant so that she can offer her services pro bono. Now to find a home for her and her Fiancée Baldwin.

Baldwin Levesque

Computer Science Major / Young Innovators in Tech Award Recipient 🥇/ Valadictorian

Baldwin has hit the ground running - he’s already begun working for Meditech ™️ and is on the fast track to running his own team. He’ll be creating medical software that will play a role in medical surgery. Needless to say, his mother Xio is beyond pleased. His father Manu and his sister Zora are proud, but expected nothing less.

He and his fiancé Abeba just have one task aside from wedding plans – finding a home.

Micah Broussard

Journalism Major / Writer, Foxbury Insider

He made it, y’all. His parents, Bruce & Esther had their fingers crossed most of the time, but we’re here.

Although he originally wanted to be a sports journalist (if you’ve been following along, you know why… but let’s not bring her up right now), but thanks to his professor, he decided to go down the novelist path, while working for a digital paper in the meantime.

Now that he’s about to be a father, this suits him just fine. It will give him time to bring in a steady paycheck while working on his first book. Lucky for him, there are plenty of writers in the family to help guide him through the process. And Bubbe Ida and his sisters Shalom & Noa pie, of course.

Next up? Finish moving, baby shower, wedding. Possibly in that order. 

Alma Ramos

Journalism Major / Editor-In-Chief, Foxybury Insider / Latina Writer’s Guild / Foxbury

Granted, this is not how Alma saw her Uni experience ending. However, as all writers know, some of the best experiences are the plot twists. And maybe this is just a detour; plenty of young mothers manage to raise their children and have careers. She has a loving, committed partner in Micah, so anything is possible. Not to mention a strong family in her Abuelo Luis, her Tia Benni and her prima Yadira and Ya’s fiancée Ciara.

Previous / Next / Beginning

[black-arcana]

ARCH ENEMY Shares Music Video For New Single 'Liars & Thieves'

Swedish/Canadian/American extreme metal titans ARCH ENEMY have unveiled their latest single, "Liars & Thieves", from their upcoming album "Blood Dynasty". The LP announcement and the start of the pre-order phase coincided with the beginning of ARCH ENEMY's European co-headline tour, "Rising From The North", with IN FLAMES on October 3 in Glasgow.

Throughout the tour, "Liars & Thieves" has already been performed live, as the band teased the release of the new single on stage. Now, with the release of the digital single, fans worldwide can finally experience the track.

"Liars & Thieves" delivers a powerful message of resilience and inner struggle, wrapped in fierce melodic death metal with intense lyrics about battling deception and enduring hardship.

"Our second single from 'Blood Dynasty' is here," says ARCH ENEMY guitarist Michael Amott. "'Liars & Thieves' is a fast, heavy-hitting track, with a melody that's been getting stuck in people's heads — don't say I didn't warn you! We've been playing it live recently, and it's been an absolute beast in the pit. Now, it's time to check out the studio cut!"

He continues: "The accompanying video has been captured out here on our ongoing European tour by director Jens De Vos, highlighting the passion and metal madness of these amazing shows where fans and band are one!"

"Liars & Thieves" was mixed by Jens Bogren and mastered by Tony Lindgren at Fascination Street Studios.

ARCH ENEMY's twelfth studio album, "Blood Dynasty" will arrive on March 28, 2025 via Century Media Records.

Amott previously stated about the effort: "This new album pushes the boundaries of what we've done before — it's everything you've come to expect from this band, and then some! We can't wait for you to hear it and feel the energy we've poured into every track. Welcome to the 'Blood Dynasty'!"

"Blood Dynasty" track listing:

01. Dream Stealer 02. Illuminate the Path 03. March Of the Miscreants 04. A Million Suns 05. Don't Look Down 06. Presage 07. Blood Dynasty 08. Paper Tiger 09. Vivre Libre 10. The Pendulum 11. Liars & Thieves

Next to the limited deluxe editions that feature two exclusive bonus tracks, fans can direct their attention to the limited liquid blood vinyl that is exclusively available in the band stores and limited to 666 copies.

"Dream Stealer" marked ARCH ENEMY's first new music since the release of the "Deceivers" album, which came out in August 2022.

"Dream Stealer" was mixed by Jens Bogren and mastered by Tony Lindgren at Fascination Street Studios. The video was directed and produced by Patric Ullaeus.

Two months ago, Amott told Pulp Magazine about "Dream Stealer" and ARCH ENEMY's plans for new music: "We've been staying busy for sure and are really focused on writing and recording new stuff in between the touring we're doing. I'm kind of always coming up with new musical and lyrical ideas though — I just keep going as it's what I enjoy doing anyway. Making music is a natural process, and it's pretty much a daily thing, so it can be hard to pinpoint exactly when everything was conceived. I do, however, actually remember that the initial seed for 'Dream Stealer' was written during a songwriting session I did with Daniel [Erlandsson, drums] in Los Angeles, California, two years ago, and then it's been rearranged and updated a lot till it reached its final state that you're now hearing."

Asked if it was a conscious decision to go back to the "classic ARCH ENEMY" direction and approach with "Dream Stealer", Amott said: "I've seen some seriously great feedback from the fans, and that's always very encouraging, of course. Personally, I don't know if I’d necessarily say 'Dream Stealer' is a throwback to the sound of the past, but I get what they mean — the song has the energy and speed that is very exciting and infectious. Maybe there is a hint of vintage ARCH ENEMY in there, and why not? I'm looking forward to playing it live on stage — I think it is going to be intense as hell."

ARCH ENEMY played its first concert with new guitarist Joey Concepcion on April 24 at Musinsa Garage in Seoul, South Korea. The show was part of ARCH ENEMY's 2024 Asian tour.

Last December, ARCH ENEMY announced that it had "amicably" parted ways with longtime guitarist Jeff Loomis.

Jeff, who was the main songwriter in his previous group, NEVERMORE, joined ARCH ENEMY in late 2014, but was not involved in the writing for the latter act's last two albums, 2017's "Will To Power" and the aforementioned "Deceivers".

Photo credit: Katja Kuhl

[solar-sparky]

Could you tell us more about your agent 24 (if you do agent 24) if you would be so kind 👉👈?

Rubs my hands together with malicious intent

Okay so! Let's talk about Char (Charlie/Agent 3) and Al (Allen/Phyto/Agent8) these two goobers :)

(They/Them and He/She respectively)

A bit of background for each:

Char experienced something in the past that caused them to be way more solitary, not completely cold-shoulder, and struggle with "I cant save/help anyone.". They join the Splatoon to help Cuttlefish, since the whole mission goes well and they defeat Octavio, it gives them a boost in confidence, not a lot and they are relatively quiet about it. They finally felt useful for once.

Al (Phyto at the time) isnt a soldier, she is a mechanic. While not strictly working with the government/military, she is called in to work for them pretty regularly for stuff like weapon and tech repairs. Another job he does is Zapfish care, pretty self explanatory, he does weekly checks with the zapfish.

The first time these two interact is during the Splatoon 1 storymode. Al only recently started hearing rumors about an inkling running around and taking the zapfish, at first he brushes it off. It's not until she goes to do her zapfish checks does she find out that it is in fact true and she runs into 3. Al does try to defend the bulb where the zapfish is, but not being as skilled in combat as 3, he does not come out victorious and the zapfish is taken away.

After that, everytime that Al goes to check on the fish, all the bulbs are shattered and empty. (Except for one that she finds, that's where her funny looking little zapfish comes from. Its name is 1202.)

Fast forward to the arc of OE.

Al had been planning to leave the domes for a while (about 2 years) and finally she had a plan; take the abandoned underground train tracks that Al discovered a while ago far enough. (how the gang end up in the deepsea metro is never explained so we're going with this.) Unfortunately for them this is the area 3 and Cuttlefish are surveying/exploring and that also leads into the deep sea. They dont get into a fight (Per Al's signal) and instead they somewhat travel together until they reach kamabo co.'s territory where in then security gets them.

Cuttlefish and 3 aren't deemed useful/worthy so they are just taken to one of the abandoned platform stations, Al on the other hand is taken to be sanitized. The process begins but near completion, it is interrupted by 3 taking an unconscious, nearing death Al and hauling him back to the safe spot is with Cuttlefish and 1202.

I have a bunch of headcanons for how this primordial ooze works but to put it simply, since the sanitization process was not complete for Al, it leaves her in very critical condition. Getting back to Cuttlefish now, Al is basically gone, no response from him, no breathing, no pluse, no nothing and his digits are going white (if you dont know, when inkfish die, they turn completely white/translucent. I like to also think that Splatoon inkfish, after a short amount of time after death, dry up and flake away.). Cuttlefish and 3 cant really be carrying a body around for, multiple reasons and make the decision to leave Al there, off to the side and covered. However, Al's zapfish protests and squirms out of Cuttlefishs hold and rushes over to Al thinking Al is just sleeping. Normally 1202 would wake Al up by jumping on him or tugging at him, and if all else doesn't work, even if 1202 can produce little electricity if any at all, it would shock Al. After a few tries, the shocking works and Al is back, however now about 90% sanitized; having no memories except for only remembering 1202, which he then proceeds to carry around everywhere. It is worth to note that Al cannot speak during the OE arc, and he communicates through different means.

Instead of being who knows where in the canon storymode, Char actually stays with Cuttlefish and Al on the train up until 3/4 of the way through where Cuttlefish tasks them with finding an alternative route incase Al's mission and the telephones promise dont work.

A bunch of stuff happens on the train like;

- Char, while technically saving Al, feels really guilty for her state

- Being sanitized, Al does not experience pain and pair that with her inexperience, leads to her being pretty careless when doing tests and comes back the the train with injuries almost everytime. Char starts to get a little worried, even though the wounds heal very fast. They proceed to start pulling Al off to the side after stations and bandaging her up.

- With the mem cakes, Al does recover their memories. He tries to explain to Cuttlefish, Char and sometimes Isopadre by using the mem cakes, the best way I can describe it is like Al playing with the mem cakes like toys to tell a story.

- Al had 2 friends down in the domes, Aurora (Octoling soldier) and Skip (a failed DJ Octavio clone; Octotrooper)

I dont have a design for Aurora but I do for Skip!

Continuing on, Al has mem cakes of these two friends of his and when Char heads out to proceed to find a different route, he gives the mem cakes over to Char. Why? Just incase, Al knows they may have gone looking for him (this does turn out to be true).

Anyways, skipping ahead (I'm skipping Char's mindcontrol phase cause there is some stuff from that chapter that havent shared and want to keep for myself for a little while longer :)) after the defeat of the NILS statue, Al almost dies again from overexertion, both her and Char do go to the hospital. Char is omitted from the hospital sooner than Al due to Al's critical condition and it is atleast a month or so later that Al is finally sent home.

I'm waiting to see what the deal is with side order before I commit to splat3 storystuff with Al but that's the mostly full story!

Some little fun facts

- Sometimes on outings, Al likes to bring along Finch (Agent 4) because he finds them silly. Char is completely okay because Finch kinda just does his own thing.

- Al is decently clingy to Char.

- Both being Aroace (as with most of my characters) their relationship is funny in the way that while they call eachother partner, they are sorta in a way like "oh but we aren't like that, just really good friends." Which in a way that's literally what they are but they dont know the right word it for a very long time.

- Allen has more energy when compared to Char.

Anyways that's it for now :)

[jennyboom21]

In 2023 actor Sophia Bush made headlines when she filed for divorce one year after a storybook wedding. By the fall it was public knowledge that she was in a new relationship. With a woman. The internet seemed to be foaming at the digital mouth for a scandal, but to those who knew her, it was clear she’d never been more herself. Here, in her own words, Bush speaks to the power of finally learning to listen to her intuition.

In April of 2022 I was close to calling off my wedding. Instead of running away, I doubled down on being a model wife. In 2023 my now ex-husband posted a lovely tribute to our first anniversary on Instagram. When I saw it, I felt the blood drain from my face. Fans and friends were telling me how exciting this milestone was and how happy I looked. I felt nothing. Things hadn’t been easy at home, but everyone says marriage is hard, right? As the day wore on, I felt mounting pressure from strangers online waiting for me to post something—what a strange part of public life to have to navigate—so I sat myself down and chose a picture.

It was a black-and-white photograph of us running away from the camera. Yes, I see the bittersweet irony now. I wrote a really nice story about the people in that picture. Except it was just that: a story. I typed something about how incredibly happy I was and tried to drown out the familiar voice in my head. Make it look easy. Make it look perfect. If your smile is shiny enough, maybe no one will notice that up close all of your teeth are broken. But sometimes broken is just broken.

I hit post. And then I walked into the bathroom and threw up.

I believe in people and ideas so deeply—and those feelings are often so powerful to me—that I hadn’t realized I’d spent the last two decades moving through life showing up for others but often turning my back on myself. This time things felt different. Maybe it’s just cold feet, I told myself. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe this was the feeling you get when you settle down later in life and have to make space for another person. There have been moments in my life when it feels like the universe is screaming at me to pay attention. This was one of them, but I didn’t listen.

I kept repeating the adages we all know so well: Relationships are hard. Marriage takes compromise. You know the rest. And so I got married. We threw one of the greatest wedding weekends ever. We had an amazing time with our closest friends and family. It was truly one of the best parties I’ve ever been to, and we raised a ton of money for charity. I don’t regret any of that.

But after the wedding I found myself in the depths and heartbreak of the fertility process, which was the most clarifying experience of my life. It feels like society is finally making space for brutally honest conversations about how hard and painful any fertility journey is, but I kept mine private. I was trying to get through months of endless ultrasounds, hormone shots, so many blood draws that I have scar tissue in my veins, and retrieval after retrieval, while simultaneously realizing the person I had chosen to be my partner didn’t necessarily speak the same emotional language I did.

As I lost track of how many examination tables I had lain on alone, I felt something in me seismically shift. Six months into that journey, I think I knew deep down that I absolutely had made a mistake. It would take my head and heart a while longer to understand what my bones already knew.

And that’s why, when I got an opportunity to do a play in London, I had to go. I had to get out of our house. I had to get onstage. I had to get back in my body. Maybe that could shift things. Maybe that would jump-start the joy I’d been chasing. The play slowly began to put me back together. It was grueling, and it was also the most exhilarating experience. I loved every second of it.

But the book doesn’t lie. The body does, in fact, keep the score. When half of our company went down with a virus, everyone recovered fast except for me. I continued to decline. I would put every fiber of my being into my performance onstage, and then be packed in bags of ice as soon as the curtain closed. I spent multiple nights in the hospital, I was pumped with endless amounts of fluids, I underwent cardiac testing and organ monitoring. It was clear that my body was screaming and I had to listen. It was hard for me to accept. I was part of a team. But I needed to go home, where my doctors (and, truthfully, my health insurance) could get a better handle on my symptoms. My time in London was over. So was my marriage. It all came crashing down at once.

During the summer of 2023, I moved back into my empty home in LA. I was separated and preparing to file for divorce, and groups of women in my life started opening up about issues they were going through in their own homes. It seemed like every week there were more of us, including [former US soccer player] Ashlyn [Harris], whom I’d first met in 2019 and who was in the process of figuring out her own split from her wife. She’d been such a kind ear for those of us who opened up about our problems during a shared weekend of speaking engagements at a fancy conference in Cannes, and soon it became clear that she needed our ears too.

For those of us who had no solution in sight or Hail Marys left, having this community changed everything. We really wrapped one another up in support. It was tragic and hard. But it was also beautiful. There were moments of incredible sadness because no one signs up to get married thinking it’ll end. The days when we knew people needed to laugh, we sent inspirational memes and silly TikToks. We read books written by great therapists and shared emo quotes from poets. Our “Begin Again” Amazon shopping list, which we created for the ones moving out and starting over, has now been forwarded to so many other women.

I didn’t expect to find love in this support system. I don’t know how else to say it other than: I didn’t see it until I saw it. And I think it’s very easy not to see something that’s been in front of your face for a long time when you’d never looked at it as an option and you had never been looked at as an option. What I saw was a friend with her big, happy life. And now I know she thought the same thing about me.

It really took other people in our safe support bubble pointing out to me how we’d finish each other’s sentences or be deeply affected by the same things. When you’re so in the trenches of hardship—plus you have the added weight of having to go through it on a public stage—it can be hard to see anything but what’s right in front of you.

It took me confronting a lot of things, what felt like countless sessions of therapy, and some prodding from loved ones, but eventually I asked Ashlyn to have a non-friend-group hang to talk about it.

And that meal was four and a half hours long and truly one of the most surreal experiences of my life thus far. In hindsight, maybe it all had to happen slowly and then suddenly all at once. Maybe it was all fated. Maybe it really is a version of invisible string theory. I don’t really know. But I do know that for a sparkly moment I felt like maybe the universe had been conspiring for me. And that feeling that I have in my bones is one I’ll hold on to no matter where things go from here.

But there was a lot that quickly turned ugly too. People looking in from the outside weren’t privy to just how much time it took, how many painful conversations were had. A lot of effort was made to be graceful with other people’s processing, their time and obligations, and their feelings. What felt like seconds after I started to see what was in front of me, the online rumor mill began to spit in the ugliest ways. There were blatant lies. Violent threats. There were accusations of being a home-wrecker. The ones who said I’d left my ex because I suddenly realized I wanted to be with women—my partners have known what I’m into for as long as I have (so that’s not it, y’all, sorry!).

The idea that I left my marriage based on some hysterical rendezvous—that, to be crystal-clear, never happened—rather than having taken over a year to do the most soul crushing work of my life? Rather than realizing I had to be the most vulnerable I’ve ever been, on a public stage, despite being terrified to my core? It feels brutal. Just because I didn’t want to process my realizations in real time on social media and spell them out for the world doesn’t mean the journey wasn’t long and thoughtful and exhaustive.

It’s painful to be doing deep work and have it picked apart by clueless strangers. Everyone that matters to me knows what’s true and what isn’t. But even still there’s a part of me that’s a ferocious defender, who wants to correct the record piece by piece. But my better self, with her earned patience, has to sit back and ask, What’s the fucking point? For who? For internet trolls? No, thank you. I’ll spend my precious time doing things I love instead.

I don’t believe it’s my place to discuss details of Ashlyn’s circumstances or her children, but I will say that I am absolutely in awe of her relentless integrity. The way she prioritizes and centers her kids, not only in her life but in the core of her being, is breathtaking to behold. Falling in love with her has sutured some of my own childhood wounds, and made me so much closer to my own mother. Seeing Ashlyn choose to not simply survive, but thrive, for her babies has been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed a friend do. And now I get to love her. How lucky am I?

I sort of hate the notion of having to come out in 2024. But I’m deeply aware that we are having this conversation in a year when we’re seeing the most aggressive attacks on the LGBTQIA+ community in modern history. There were more than 500 anti-LGBTQIA+ bills proposed in state legislatures in 2023, so for that reason I want to give the act of coming out the respect and honor it deserves. I’ve experienced so much safety, respect, and love in the queer community, as an ally all of my life, that, as I came into myself, I already felt it was my home. I think I’ve always known that my sexuality exists on a spectrum. Right now I think the word that best defines it is queer. I can’t say it without smiling, actually. And that feels pretty great.

Would I have liked to make the public part of this journey a choice for myself, and not have it taken from my lips and set ablaze by gossip blogs and bottom-feeder online bots? Of course. I’m very aware, though, as we discuss bullying and harassment and being outed without consent—that I’m incredibly lucky this happened in my adulthood. I really love who I am, at this age and in this moment. I’m so lucky that my parents, having spent time with Ash over the holidays, said, “Well, this finally looks right.” I know it could have gone differently.

We’ve all learned about kids who have taken their own life after being outed or who have been killed simply for being who they are in a place or time that is threatened by their expressed joy. I am so lucky to be here, now. I have real joy. It took me 41 years to get here. And while I marvel at it, I will also make space for people’s pain. But I will not carry anyone’s projected shame. When I take stock of the last few years, I can tell you that I have never operated out of more integrity in my life. I hope that’s clear enough for everyone speculating out there, while being as gentle as I possibly can be.

After the news became public, my mom told me that one of her friends called her and said, “Well, this can’t be true. I mean, your daughter isn’t gay.” My mom felt that it was obvious, from the way her friend emphasized the word, that she meant it judgmentally. And you know what my mom said? “Oh honey, I think she’s pretty gay. And she’s happy.”

I finally feel like I can breathe. I don't think I can explain how profound that is. I feel like I was wearing a weighted vest for who knows how long. I hadn’t realized how heavy it was until I finally just put it down. This might sound crazy—but I think other people in trauma recovery will get it—I am taking deep breaths again. I can feel my legs and feet. I can feel my feet in my shoes right now. It makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time.

It is so, so scary to do the brave thing, to say, “I’m just not happy.” Especially if you’re in a partnership and you have to say it first. But if you do it, you get the chance to be happy. To find your joy. I turned 41 last summer, amid all of this, and I heard the words I was saying to my best friend as they came out of my mouth. “I feel like this is my first birthday,” I told her. This year was my very first birthday.

[lune-moon-nuit]

I’ve been wondering for a while if I might be neurodivergent, and the more I analyze my experiences, the more I feel like certain aspects of my personality align with traits often found in autism or ADHD.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve had intense obsessions. When I become interested in something, it completely takes over my mind. I immerse myself so deeply that it feels like an addiction—I can only think, talk, and consume content related to that topic for weeks or even months. For example, when I decide to listen to an artist’s entire discography, I have to do it in a very specific way: the screen must stay on so I can see the tracks playing, no one can enter my room during that time, and any interruption makes me incredibly frustrated. This need for completion applies to everything—I mentally and physically need things to be finished the way I envisioned them, or else I feel an overwhelming sense of discomfort.

When I was little, I had very specific rituals that made no logical sense but felt necessary. For example, if I wanted to microwave my cereal for 1 minute and 5 seconds, I couldn’t just set it to 1:05—I had to put 1:00 first, start it, and then add the 5 seconds afterward, or else I felt like the taste would be different. I also used to move my hands a lot while imagining elaborate scenarios in my head. Even now, I tend to get lost in my own world, daydreaming and hyper-focusing on things that others don’t seem to care about as much.

Another thing that makes me wonder if I might be neurodivergent is how fast my thoughts race. My brain feels like it’s constantly running at full speed, and because of that, I often speak before I’ve fully processed what I want to say. I mix up my words, struggle to articulate what I mean, or end up sounding less coherent than I intended. At the same time, I can also go completely silent in certain social situations because my mind is so overwhelmed with thoughts that I don’t know how to express them.

On top of that, I’ve always struggled with social interactions in a way that’s hard to define. I get along well with people, but I have trouble forming deep emotional connections. I also experience extreme emotional distress when I feel ignored or abandoned, even in online friendships, which can make my relationships difficult to navigate.

I also deal with sensory-related struggles, like feeling anxious when eating around others, needing specific conditions to feel comfortable in my own space, or experiencing mental exhaustion when there’s too much stimulation around me.

All of these things make me feel different from most people, and I often wonder if I’ve spent my life masking my natural way of thinking and behaving without even realizing it. Maybe getting evaluated could help me understand myself better.

I’ve always been told that I’m sociable—I get along well with people, I can hold conversations easily, and I know how to navigate social situations. But despite this, I struggle to form deep emotional connections. It often feels like I’m interacting with people on a surface level, even when I want to be closer to them. I can mimic social behaviors well enough to appear engaged, but deep down, I often feel disconnected, like I’m on the outside looking in.

At the same time, I’ve noticed that my strongest emotional attachments tend to form online. When I connect with someone on Twitter, for example, I become deeply invested in the relationship. If they start acting distant, I take it very personally, to the point where it can consume my thoughts and emotions. It feels like online interactions allow me to experience attachment in a way that’s both safer and more intense than in real life. I don’t know if this is because digital communication removes some of the unspoken social rules that I struggle with, or if it’s because I find it easier to express myself through writing rather than in person. Either way, the way I experience relationships seems different from most people around me.

I also struggle with obsessive thoughts and compulsions, particularly in the form of body image issues. I’ve dealt with dysmorphophobia, which makes me fixate on my appearance in ways that feel irrational but impossible to ignore. If I perceive something as "wrong" with my body, it becomes all I can think about, and no amount of reassurance from others changes how I feel. My brain latches onto specific details and won’t let go, which makes me wonder if this could be linked to obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

Another unusual thing about me is that I sometimes "smell" things that aren’t actually there. If I see an image of a person, a character, or even an object, I can imagine their scent so vividly that it feels real. I don’t think this is related to memory, because it happens with things I’ve never encountered in real life. After looking into it, I’ve realized this might be a form of synesthesia, which is more common in neurodivergent people.

I also have a complicated relationship with food and eating in social settings. I experience intense anxiety when I have to eat around other people, to the point where my body physically reacts—I get a lump in my throat, sudden nausea, or the feeling that I won’t be able to swallow. This reaction makes no logical sense, but it’s so strong that it can stop me from eating altogether. I’ve read that people on the autism spectrum often have sensory issues related to food, and I wonder if my experience fits into that pattern.

On a more emotional level, I’ve noticed that I tend to fall into toxic relationship patterns, both in friendships and romantic connections. I struggle to recognize unhealthy dynamics until I’m deeply involved in them, and even when I realize something is wrong, I have a hard time walking away. It’s like I get stuck in loops of emotional dependence, even when the relationship is clearly harmful to me. I’ve read that neurodivergent people, especially those with autism or ADHD, can be more vulnerable to manipulation because they might miss subtle social cues or have difficulty setting boundaries.

All of these factors contribute to an overall sense of exhaustion. Even though I function well in daily life, I constantly feel like I’m carrying an invisible weight. Social interactions drain me, not because I dislike people, but because I feel like I have to put effort into masking parts of myself to fit in. There’s this underlying feeling of being different—like I exist in the same world as everyone else but experience it through a completely different lens. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt the need to escape into obsessions, hyper-fixations, and imaginary worlds—they make more sense to me than the real one ever has.

If anyone here could tell me about it, I would be grateful…

[curiouscompanions]

index — [ x ]

Entry #6

We all remember that theory saying that once upon a time everything began with a great explosion. Have you ever wondered why that came first? Why an explosion? Why that form? The birth of life, the creation of something utterly new, always begins with the destruction of what came before. Therefore, life and death are not opposites—but halves of a single whole. But what is this ‘whole’? And does it even truly exist? What if wholeness itself is a myth? What if we, humans, are not who we believe ourselves to be, but merely fragments, microscopic pixels of something vast? Something that, eons ago, existed as a boundless, singular consciousness? Something whose name was lost, forgotten… or perhaps it never had one to begin with. After all, how do you name the absolute infinity? How can you contain the uncontainable within a single word, a tiny sliver of understanding? How could you ever truly feel it—fully, deeply��without shattering your flawed limited mortal mind in the process? This fleeting moment that we call life is woefully insufficient for seeking answers to such questions… is it not? And yet, it’s the desire to reach out, to merge with truth itself, that compels us to find ways to extend this brief moment of our agonizing existence. Perhaps that desire is what led to the creation of this pocket dimension nestled at the seam where reality and virtuality converge. Or perhaps… not.

It happened on the day Stanley pressed that glowing, bright yellow button. Tips of his fingers sank into its smooth surface, warmth of his hand brushing against the cold, synthetic plastic, and, for a single fleeting moment, Stanley and the button were almost one and the same.Time surged forward so startlingly fast he never even noticed the effect it unleashed upon the world around him. The office walls collapsed inward, the Story curled in on Itself, and the Narrator kept murmuring in that same monotonous hum that there would never be the end, as the Parable is a ring, woven from webs of his words. And the ring doesn’t have an end. I was the one who slipped it onto my finger.

Hello, Reader. As long as you continue reading these lines, our former Observer will go on and on begging Mariela to blink for him, so futilely, and the Narrator will keep trying to find his lost Stanley. And now the letters on your monitor begin to blur, slowly fading into darkness, and then, into that all too familiar message: “Please enter the current time.” You click on the four large digits, choosing the time that feels closest to your perception of the moment. I am downloading your personal data. You know, you entered your time incorrectly. Perhaps you should have guessed that time hasn’t existed for a very very long while. So really, you should not have bothered trying to appease me. After all, I would have kept writing this text file regardless of how kind or rude you were during our very first virtual contact.

So, the point of no return was crossed; Stanley pressed the button and you entered a nonexistent time in the initial settings menu. What happens next? Usually, you’d find yourself in the game’s main menu, where you are given a choice: continue playing or restart—but you are already inside the game, since you are still tracking white pixels on the black screen. You think, therefore, you exist. I see you. My eyes appear on your monitor, pixel-y and wink-y. I see you. Tell me, do you see me? Can you hear me? Can you understand? All I ever wanted, all I could remember during the infinitely long Big Bang, was the single aching awareness that I would never find out the meaning of my job— buried in the horrifyingly dull trivial beige walls of this stupid fake Office.

My eyes keep blinking. Then come the images; blurry footage from security cameras, where you can make out the crowd of my office colleagues. Suddenly, the picture zooms in and lets you see their faces. Their eyes are empty, devoid of even a flicker of independent thought. They are nothing more than grey background characters, merely doing whatever the machine controlling their minds commands. Among them, I was the only one who could think freely, who could do absolutely anything that popped into my head. However… that was a lie. All of it was play-pretend and the freedom of choice was nothing more than an illusion. I never once made a decision that strayed from the pre-approved timelines and flowcharts of authorized decision-making. Back then, I was blinded by fear— the fear of being fired, so I didn’t try too hard to bother my colleagues with constant requests for help. Maybe, deep down, I already knew that I had long since been doomed, and the crowd… they would simply walk past, avoiding to land their empty stares onto the moment of my inevitable fate.

A tall woman wearing a lab coat appears on the screen. Her skin is sickly pale and her eyes—cat-like and yellow—lock onto mine as her hands reach out, grabbing my shoulders with a steel grip that scratches my skin through the thin fabric of my shirt. I stare at her, paralyzed, forgetting how to breathe.

"Employee #432," she says, her voice poisoned with a frost of apathy. "You have failed the assignment required for initiation into the staff of my project. Starting from today, your rank is downgraded. Your new status: test subject."

"W-what?" I breathe out, staring into her eyes gleaming with gold, terror swelling in my chest.

"Test A: 'Resilience of Nervous System, Part One.' Your objective is to avoid panic and try not to scream too loudly during the application of negative physical stimuli. Test A begins in... three... two... one."

She releases my shoulders, only to draw a scalpel from seemingly nowhere and drive it into my arm, slicing through sleeve, skin, muscle— scraping bone. Adrenaline and shock strike my mind like a lightning bolt, dulling the searing agony for mere seconds. I choke on a scream, my uninjured hand clutching the wounded one, fingers smearing red in a desperate attempt to stop my blood from pouring onto the floor. Black spots dance at the edges of my vision. Unfortunately, I don’t lose consciousness.

"Restart," her voice echoes like a low bell in my skull, and in the same breath, her scalpel slits my throat.

The comfort of darkness. The loading screen.

I sit at my desk. There is nothing on the top of it but a pencil sharpener. My hand is whole again, my neck is untouched, not even a single scratch. I’m alive, relatively intact, but my body trembles with a bone-deep shiver, and my mind—my mind is a brittle thing, seconds away from splintering. Again and again, I see her indifferent yellow eyes. Again and again, I hear that cold voice. She just killed me and she called it a ‘test’. Crazy bitch. Dammit, I bet she is going to do it again! There is no time to lose, not a second!

I leap to my feet and bolt into the hallway. I know I can’t just run, not without a plan. First stop: the Broom Closet. I grab the first heavy thing I see; an old, trusty wrench. Rushing out of the Closet, I crash into one of my coworkers. He stares at me, blankly, not a flicker of thought behind his eyes. I shove him aside, turning to the other way, keeping moving. Another mindless employee comes by, I duck past him. Then another. And another. Before I know it, I’m surrounded. A silent crowd of employees, all watching me with their empty, soulless eyes. Just watching.

“No,” I whisper. “No, no, no, not like this… please, not like this, no…!”

The crowd closes in, the emptiness has drained from their eyes, replaced by judgment. And now I hear it. The murmuring. I can make out their comments, sharp and cruel, about my social status, my clothes, even the color of my eyes. It’s unbearable. The wrench slips out of my fingers, falling onto the floor. I push my hands over my ears, helpless, unable to take in one more word. I know it’s not their fault, they are just doing their job, following orders. But is there really not a single drop of empathy in any of them? Of course there is, they just don’t want to fight, they have grown too used to doing what they are told. They keep talking and I try not to listen. Time stretches unbearably slow, each second is a weight dragging my mind deeper into something cold and gray. And then it feels like I am stuck, trapped in the middle of the crowd and their endless words …and maybe I am stuck. Eventually, their voices start to fade. Some of them begin to walk away. Could it be— is this damned ‘test’ finally over? I crack one eye open, hesitantly. A dull thud follows. Darkness rushes up to meet me, like an old friend. 

And once again I am sitting at my desk which doesn’t have anything on the top, except the pencil sharpener.

End of Entry #6

[wordpress-blaze-233777389]

The Son Tay Raid, North Vietnam, 21 November 1970

Source: The Son Tay Raid, North Vietnam, 21 November 1970