#Flavor frenzy deck

[bombslol]

Bro what the flippity flappity is this setup 🦃 oh and also other person is pindlez!!

(WHY DO I KEEP SAYING THE TURKEY EMOJI HELP ME)

[inventors-fair]

Interaction Satisfaction Runners-Up!

Congratulations to our runners-up this week: @horsecrash with Treasury Feaster, @nine-effing-hells with Frenzy of the Tattermunge, and @reaperfromtheabyss with Putrescent Boon

~

Treasury Feaster

Short, simple, and to the point. Put this in a treasure deck. It’s a dragon because dragons like treasure, and because red is where most treasure decks lie. If this had haste I’d maybe start to argue that this feels less like interaction and more like a finisher, but without that it feels like this can stabilize your board pretty nicely. I also love how small it is otherwise, meaning you really want to play into the theme if you can, but if you can’t at least it can still kill a collector ouphe or random dork. The flavor text is amusing but also evocative, which is great. Very solid design.

-

Frenzy of the Tattermunge

Well this isn’t a theme you see every day, but I like where it’s going. The most direct thing it’s point at is “differently named tokens matter,” which was technically a theme in that one MOM deck, but wasn’t well supported. I’d argue the fact that it deals damage specifically to non-token creatures makes it feel more like a token deck sweeper regardless, like incandescent aria. I love that the baseline is a five mana pyroclasm (that can’t hit what most pyroclasms are cast to hit) that refunds you one mana and goblin. That’s pretty bad, but even if your deck isn't making the tokens it want, it still technically does something, which is the kind of card I was hoping to see this contest. And of course the top-end is pretty good. It already might end up being one-sided, but it could also end up being massive. It is going to lose some amount of use from not being able to clear the board of tokens, but hopefully the deck playing it would be more available to take advantage of that. A nicely designed card.

-

Putrescent Boon

I like how you took the contest from both angles. You made a protection spell AND a removal spell. One mana more than a Battle-Rage Blessing (a decent but not commander worthy card) and you get a kill-spell attached to it, but only in the right deck. Saprolings are mostly green, as is deathtouch, indestructible, and fight, but you did a very good job not making this mono-green. This costs as much as a murder and does kill something while also protecting stuff. It feels like a bit of a stretch that this is going to be both at once, but maybe it would happen more than I think. The biggest thing I worry about with this card is how much it encourages targeting your weakest creature with it. Most players are going to look at this card and thinking “it’s a kill spell so long as I have a saproling,” then as soon as they cast it, another player kills their one-toughness token with no abilities in response. That’s pretty rough, especially since this is then also the protection spell that could have saved it. But that’s just a common trend among fight spells. You could even argue that it’s a benefit, since if you had targeted a 5/5 or something, then that would have died to the removal instead, which would probably have been worse. I really like how much versatility this card has, and I love the theme it fits into, it just a might be prone to frustrating play patterns.

~

And there you have it. Congrats again to everybody, I'll be back a bit later with the rest of commentary!

-Mod Mr. ShinyObject

[drill-teeth-art]

Somewhere In The Deck

Just a bit of writing I did before I wind down for the day that I wanted to share real quick. It’s set in The Deck on Cybertron, a city in my fan continuity built to mainly accommodate cassettes and minibots.

Summary: Rumble, Frenzy, and Enemy help with each other’s detailing before they go out to a party.

Content Warnings: None that I can think of that need specifying, but feel free to let me know if I should add something here!

Note: Rumble uses he/him pronouns, Frenzy uses they/them, and Enemy uses she/her and he/him.

Short scene under the cut!

Enemy held still as Rumble gently polished her face but let out disgruntled, flutey sounds at his slow pace. “I still have to braid those wires for Frenzy,” she pouted, speaking in sharper tones to make his annoyance well known. Rumble rolled his optic and scoffed. “You want me to do a rush job on your face plate? You’re lucky your soft cheeks are still unscathed.” She would’ve usually made more of a display of attitude, but it was hard to be an asshole to the mech telling you to be careful with your face plate while looking him right in the burned optic. Besides, he actually liked Rumble, so for him, she could be less rough around the edges. “…can you add a bit of shine to my cheeks too?” she asked, earning her a charmingly crooked smile from the other cassette. Rumble finished wiping off Enemy’s face before leaning back and calling to Frenzy. “Frenzy after you’re done putting a damn star chart on your armor, can you bring what’s left of the glitter over here for Enemy?” Frenzy made a few harsh and fast notes before stomping over, hands on their hips. “I’m doing UV aesthetic tonight, Rumble,” they said, gesturing to the intricate patterns they’d painted onto their frame in UV paint. “How’s it look?” Rumble hummed, admiration for the craftsmanship evident in his tone. He reached over to the control panel on the wall and dimmed the lights before flipping on the UV light, revealing the glowing colors Frenzy had painted on themself. “Give us a shimmy!” Enemy cheered. Frenzy held their arms up and swayed their hips smoothly before doing a little spin. Rumble let out some gentle tones of approval. “Looks great, Frenz! The pattern works great with the glow. Moves super well too.” “Well, I can actually see the UV paint. Registers to my optics way better,” Frenzy chuckled as Rumble changed the lighting back to normal. “Here. Catch.” Rumble moved to quickly catch the bottle of glitter that Frenzy tossed his way. He applied a little to Enemy’s cheeks for her and made a series of melodic chimes. “You’re lookin’ sweet, En. Great choice of detail.” Frenzy sat beside Rumble and Enemy, handing Enemy the wires to braid and gently turning Rumble towards them. “Hehehe these are our colors,” Enemy noted as she started to braid the wires. Frenzy giggled a little as they did Rumble’s lip detailing. “Almost exactly the same as our paint jobs, yeah. Laserbeak helped me pick them.” “Well, I’ll have to make her a bracelet as a thank you later, then,” Enemy let out pleasant, flutey chimes as he braided the wires into three bracelets, one for each of them. “She’d love that even if she won’t say it hehehe,” Frenzy said, leaning back to let Rumble look in the mirror at their handiwork. “How’s that?” Rumble took a moment to admire the bit of red eyeliner under his good eye and the dark detailing on his lips. “I love it! It’s perfect. Now we should probably get outta here, so the best energon flavors aren’t all gone by the time we show up.” The cassettes each donned a wire bracelet and slipped out of their shared cubby to attend one of the many gatherings around The Deck.

[bradan-writes-stories]

How Rice Sank the HMS Ibis

The HMS Ibis gracefully glided through the azure waters, guided by the skilled hands of Captain Rocklin Balo and his experienced crew. Their mission was to embark on a journey to the rice-growing regions of Southeast Asia and secure a trade route for The King.

Captain Balo gazed across the bustling harbor of Bangkok, renowned for its abundance of rice, his weathered eyes scanning the array of ships and cargo. The warm tropical breeze carried with it the exotic scents of spices and trade.

The ship’s crew diligently prepared the vessel, ensuring it was seaworthy and ready for the long voyage ahead. The HMS Ibis was a majestic two-masted brigantine built to withstand the treacherous seas and renowned for her remarkable speed, even while under a load.

Meanwhile, Captain Balo accompanied by his first mate Anthony ‘Jolly’ Hailey ventured ashore to negotiate the purchase of precious cargo. They met with local rice merchants, who offered an assortment of rice varieties, each boasting its distinct aroma and flavor.

After careful consideration, Captain Balo chose a prized selection of fragrant jasmine rice. The ivory grains shimmered like pearls in the sunlight, promising a bountiful feast for The King. A deal was struck and the HMS Ibis’ hold would soon be filled to the brim with loose grain.

“Don’t you worry about the load shifting and capsizing us?” Anthony Hailey asked under his breath — careful to avoid eavesdropping ears.

“Not at all,” Captain Balo said with perfect composure.

“There’s no sacks nor barrels to contain it. They’re throwing the rice about as if it were bilge water.”

“Do you trust me, Jolly?” Captain Balo asked without turning his gaze from the hardworking men on his ship.

“Of course, Captain,” Anthony said lowering his gaze.

“Your concern is understandable. Many ships have been lost to Davy Jones but rest assured, I’ve planned for that,” Balo explained and placed his hands on the sleek wooden railing of the ship. “If you load the hull to the brim, and I mean to the brim. Fill every nook and cranny down below then tell me. Where can the rice go?”

“It won’t have anywhere to go,” Anthony said as his eyes began to light up in understanding.

“Precisely. Overload the ship to properly accommodate the cargo. That’s why we shed weight back in Singapore by selling some cannons and other un-unnecessities.”

Anthony stared ahead in wonder, amazed by his Captain’s knowledge. Balo laughed and clapped his first mate on the back.

“You have to take chances in life, Jolly. You’ll learn which ones are worth taking and this is one of them. We’ll be renowned for bringing home far more grain in a single haul than any other ship in his majesty’s fleet.” He paused for a moment to hold out a gold coin, “And that’s why we’ll be paid more than any other ship.

After the final preparations were made, the HMS Ibis departed Bangkok. The majestic ship sliced through the waves, guided by the stars that adorned the night sky, as it embarked on its homeward journey.

The return voyage was not without its challenges. They navigated the maze of islands, skirting dangerous reefs and unpredictable currents. Days turned into weeks as they ventured deeper into the heart of the Indian Ocean.

As the sun began its descent below the horizon, casting an amber glow across the restless sea, the crew of the mighty seafaring vessel prepared for the night. Unbeknownst to them, lurking beneath the dark depths, a monstrous force stirred.

Suddenly, with a thunderous crash, the sea erupted in a tumultuous frenzy. Towering tentacles breached the surface, coiling and writhing like serpents on a rampage. The Kraken, a colossal creature of myth and legend, had emerged from the abyss, its massive form dwarfing the ship.

“Ready the cannons!” Captain Balo shouted as he sprinted for the ship’s helm.

“All hands on deck,” Anthony relayed the captain’s orders, “Ready the cannons!”

The crew gasped in awe and terror as the Kraken’s behemoth arms descended upon the HMS Ibis, grappling with the masts and ensnaring the hull.

“Fire!” Balo shouted over the chaotic frenzy.

As the sea-born terror crashed against the weathered hull, the ship’s cannons roared to life, unleashing a thunderous volley. Billowing clouds of smoke and the acrid scent of gunpowder filled the air as each cannonball propelled forward, soaring with deadly precision.

The iron projectiles arched through the air, leaving trails of white foam in their wake before punching holes through the Kraken’s body before crashing into the churning sea, creating geysers of spray that briefly competed with the surging waves. The cannons’ resounding blasts echoed across the water, sending shivers through the hearts of the crew as they fought for their lives.

Seconds felt like hours to the souls aboard the HMS Ibis. The Kraken’s malevolent eyes gleamed with an insatiable hunger, threatening to drag the ship down until a well-placed shot blew apart the beast’s eye. Mucus and fluid rained down on the ship as the creature yielded and descended into the murky depths below.

Tensions were high as all eyes were plastered to the choppy waves, waiting for the next attack that would test their mettle and the strength of the ship. When no sign of the Kraken presented itself they rejoiced in safeguarding the cargo, and more importantly, their lives against such a force and made haste to flee as quickly as the wind would carry them.

Davy Jones had no plans for an easy voyage for the crew of the HMS Ibis and plotted to send them to the depths of his locker. Dark clouds amassed on the horizon, heralding the imminent arrival of a tempest. The atmosphere crackled with anticipation as gusts of wind intensified, whipping through the sails and rattling the timeworn rigging.

The peaceful sea transformed into a turbulent abyss, with towering swells rising and crashing against the ship’s hull. Rain poured in torrents, obscuring visibility and drenching the weary sailors to the bone. Thunder boomed overhead, its deafening roar matching the relentless pounding of the waves. The ship creaked and groaned, strained under the onslaught of nature’s fury.

“We’re not going to make it,” Anthony shouted over the roar of the storm.

“As long as I’m still breathing we’ll be fine!” Captain Balos yelled, blinded by the ocean’s spray.

Lightning illuminated the chaos, briefly revealing the harrowing scene that unfolded. The crew, clinging to ropes and desperately securing loose items, battled the elements with unwavering determination. Fear and adrenaline coursed through their veins as they fought to keep their vessel afloat amidst the raging storm, praying for respite.

The HMS Ibis careened precariously to the port side as Captain Balos fought to maintain control of his ship. Each wave that crashed against the hull threatened to capsize the ship.

“Hailey, take the helm,” Captain Balos commanded.

Once relinquished of his duty Rocklin fought his way across the ship and descended below deck. To his confusion much of the rice within the hold had gone missing, creating space for it all to shift to one side of the vessel.

What he didn’t realize was that the constant buffeting of the waves and their prior Kraken attack had caused the grains of rice to settle. The vibrations urged the individual grains to fit more efficiently and now threaten the ship’s stability.

Above deck a mighty wave, like a titan rising from the depths, loomed over the ship, casting a shadow of impending doom. Its towering crest glinted with an icy menace under the gray skies. The colossal wave crashed upon the ship’s weathered deck, overwhelming it.

Helpless against the sheer power of the ocean the vessel, already tilted precariously, groaned in agony. The crew, caught in a maelstrom of chaos, clung desperately to any available purchase, their hearts pounding in their chests. But the relentless wave proved merciless, its immense weight capsizing the ship with an inexorable fury.

The once-proud vessel succumbed to the wrath of the sea, its keel breaking free of the surging waters, sending the crew and its cargo, plunging into the churning abyss. The ship disappeared beneath the tumultuous surface, leaving only scattered debris and the lingering echoes of a devastating tragedy in its wake.

Although the story is a work of fiction the dangers of hauling grain by sea-faring vessel are very real. Typically grain ships are required to have a lower point of gravity with allowances given to vessels specifically designed for such cargo, like beveled edges in the hold or vertical baffles.

Images used created by Nexneedsanewpen, Midjourney, and myself.

[totally-real-magic-cards]

Palace of Portals: the sadness begins

I remember thinking I was BIG SHIT for legendary’ing up a land.

IIRC, this was one of my first ideas, and possibly the first card for Magic that I designed. In the fic, it was at this place Nabrond was to have found out that the Multiverse was a thing, which drove him to do the machine. 

Can you tell what land from The Dark I ripped off? Funnily enough an actual copy of Safe Haven from The Dark is in my proxying binder as it’s still one of my favorite mana-free lands.

OMG that flavor text. I promise you, it’s gonna get a WHOLE lot worse.

I cannot remember what the hell Frenzy was supposed to be. As such that shit is toast. Otherwise, here’s what I came up with. By the way: you too can make fucking spiffy-looking proxies just like these by heading over to http://CardConjurer.com/Creator. 

Stashing creatures is neat but it was WAY too fast in this kind of free-spell presentation, so entering tapped kinda helps? The templating is still janky as stuff just Exiles now. Fuck it. Adding the X as a requirement and making them poof at the End Step also seems fun and thematic: they’ve disappeared through a portal! To their deaths. 

This is just disgusting in Rakdos, actually, now that I think of it. Really anything running even a modicum of reanimation could make this sing. I’d put a copy in my Orah, Skyclave Hierophant EDH deck in a New York Minute. 

[gangler]

So I’ve always hated cherry candies, because they taste like cough syrup.

And apparently in japan, root beer sells like shit, because their cough syrup tastes like rootbeer, so rootbeer tastes like medicine to them.

It’s interesting that that’s apparently a pretty consistent thing? The Cough Syrup Producers just control the sweets market. You’d think they’d be getting buyouts. CEO of Minutemaid in his office when a frenzied intern comes running with a mess of papers dropping all over the place. “Sir! Urgent News! We’ve just got news that Vicks is putting together an Orange Juice Flavored Cough Syrup!”

“The Hell they are! All hands on deck! I need every arm of this institution mobilized to put a stop to this right this instant!”

[ddp456]

A Little Lumberjane Christmas - A Gravity Falls Christmas Story/Poem (Re-post)

Hey, all!  @ddp456​ here, and due to the season, I wanted to re-share one of my favorite creations to spread some holiday cheer.  I changed the format a bit, hopefully making it a bit more readable on Tumblr than the original versions here and here.  Again, happy holidays, and please enjoy!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Written by @ddp456​ Illustrations by @codylabs​ Based on an idea by Wolf90

-------------------------------------------------------------

It was Christmas Eve and time to deck the halls, in the podunk town called Gravity Falls. Weirdmageddon had pass, its horrors thankfully gone, bringing peace back to the sleepy state of Oregon.

Its natural weirdness seemed to had taken a pause, as the whole town awaited the arrival of ol' Santa Claus. Stockings were hung and trees were dressed really bright. From a distance, the whole town looked like a giant Christmas light.

Families were brought together, and friends would come and unite, proving enough Christmas cheer can make anything right. But one unfortunate soul didn't see things that way. She sat on a rooftop, watching nightfall rise up from the passing day. Who was this person, seemingly unaffected by Christmas joy? Why, it's the Lumberjack Princess, Wendy Corduroy!

Wendy hidden herself away at the top of the Mystery Shack, as the brutal winter winds blew away at her back. She didn't mind the cold, save for the tips of her boot-covered toes, and the feeling of frost nipping away at her stubby little nose. Wendy wanted a safe place to brood and mope and think, as she sipped from a thermos of hot cocoa, her favorite winter drink.

She had gotten out of her dad's apocalypse training by lying about work. She avoided Soos's Mystery Shack staff party by saying it wasn't her quirk. The rest of the town was swept away in the Christmas action, as McGucket threw a huge celebration in what was once the Northwest Mansion. Her friends Tambry, Lee, Nate, and Thompson begged her to come. Wendy refused. "No thanks. It sounds kinda dumb."

Even the Pines twins made their own attempt. An offered trip to Piedmont, California only added to Wendy's contempt. Wendy turned down their invitation, hoping Mabel and Dipper wouldn't shed a tear. "Sorry, guys. Maybe we'll see next year."

All Wendy wanted was to be left alone with her pain. Why did the world make it feel like she was insane? To her loved ones, she didn't want to seem like a grouch, but because of all the lies she told, Wendy couldn't even go back to her own couch.

Wendy's wandering mind instantly came to a halt, as she could hear crushed snow beneath a heavy foot fault. She sprang into action, her ninja-like moves were so slick. Wendy couldn't believe her eyes, "Holy crap! It's St. Nick!"

Santa Claus stood before Wendy in all his glory. The red outfit and fuzzy beard definitely matched the often-heard stories. Despite her older age, Wendy didn't doubt her own eyes. After all, this was Gravity Falls, where the weirdos loved to hide!

Wendy asked, "Santa, no offense, but what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be posing on soda cans with a cute polar bear? Don't you have, like, a zillion presents to give out today? I won't bother you. You can be on your way!"

Santa laughed. "You need not worry. My deeds with get their well due. But tonight, dearest Wendy, I've come to speak with you. It makes Santa sad to see you so blue. Your Christmas spirit I intend to renew. So, come join me this night. Give me a chance to help make things right. By Christmas Morn, I make this promise so true, your outlook on Christmas will gain a new view."

"Thanks for the invite, Santa." Wendy scoffed at the plan so bland. She sat back down in the snow, "But, yeah, a hard pass from me, my man."

With her back turned, Wendy was definitely out of range, to see "Jolly ol' St. Nick" undergo a sudden change. His famous smile faded into a frown turned amiss, as his opened, gloved hands turned into enraged fists.

"Young lady," Santa said without as much as raising his voice. "I'm afraid you don't understand. I'm not giving you a choice."

"WHA – "

Before she knew it, Wendy was tackled to the ground, She punched, scratched, and kicked, but in the end, was helplessly bound. Left in a hogtie, Wendy could only look around, the identity of her attackers made her let out a disgusted sound. "The gnomes from the woods?! This can't be right! Why are you bugging me on Christmas Eve night? And what's the deal with the elf uniforms? What's your beef? I thought you reformed?"

Jeff the gnome stepped up, since the other gnomes weren't very social. "Sorry, kid. It's just business. I swear this isn't personal. We gnomes need extra scratch for these long winter seasons, and the big man likes to outsource. Need there be a better reason?"

"HO HO HO! Well done, my boys!" Santa heaved with huge amounts of joy. "Please place Miss Corduroy in my big sack of toys! For a job well done, expect a little extra in your checks. Consider it a gracious extension of my respect."

The gnomes cheered as they started to drag Wendy away. Their redheaded captive did everything she could to stay. She pulled and tugged and screamed with all of her might, but the ropes holding her were simply way too tight.

"You can't do this to me!" Wendy yelled. "I have rights! What's the matter, Santa? Too scared to fight your own fights? You know against me, you'd have no such luck! For the last time, let me go, ya fat fu – MMPH!"

The angry ginger's potty mouth was hurting the simple gnomes' brains, so they decided to gag her with a candy cane. From her lips, Wendy couldn't get the sticky treat to waver. The only positive in all this was that it was mint-flavored.

They tossed Wendy into the oversized bag, usually filled with cheer. She let out a muffled cry, landing hard on her derriere. The sack's top was then tied off, robbing Wendy of all light, as Santa and prisoner sailed away well into the night.

Hours felt like seconds until the sack's top was undone. Wendy sprang up from the bag. This was her chance to run! Her ropes and candy cane gag had disappeared. The road in front of her had been perfectly cleared. Before Wendy could take one step, a sturdy hand clamped onto her shoulder. She turned to find Santa, about two seconds away from scolding her.

"Welcome, Wendy," he greeted, "to my humble abode. I wouldn't bother fleeing, for there's nowhere to go. We're at the North Pole, far away from civilization. This is my workshop. Call it my own private nation. Your cell phone won't work. All internet access is password-protected. My best advice is for you to do what you're directed. Now, join me, won't you? The next room is pretty fine. I really want you to see my toy assembly line."

Wendy sighed. There wasn't anything she could do. What if Santa's words were absolutely true? The best course of action was to play along with the part, and trick the geezer that she had a change of heart. The two walked down and across a large loading bay while Santa's nine reindeer happily ate their servings of hay.

Santa led Wendy to the toy assembly line, when the annoyed teen let out a whine. "I don't mean to be rude, but I'm telling you, I can't stay. Can't you just leave coal in my stocking, and send me on my way?"

"HO-HO-HO!" Santa chuckled. "Why, Wendy, you're such a kidder! You can't lie to Santa. I must insist you reconsider. I know alone in the dead of winter is what you'd prefer. But in this case, I really cannot concur. There are reasons to my seemingly harsh way. I promise you'll reflect fondly on it one day.

Wendy crossed her arms and stuck out her tongue. "I really doubt that, you kidnapping pile of cow dung!"

Santa beaded his eyes, as he tried to stay reserved. "Maybe it's time to get what you deserve. With that negative attitude of yours – and your bad behavior. Santa's got the way to curb that. How about some hard labor?!"

With a hard push, Wendy nearly crashed into the conveyor belt. She looked around to see the hand she'd been dealt. An army of elves stood neatly in line, they slaved and worked tirelessly to finish their projects in time. An endless supply of toys, games, and electronics flew by at frenzied rates, to order to reach children in every country, province, and state.

"Whoa!" Wendy noticed. "Those aren't the gnomes. These elves are real!" "Of course they are," Santa prided. "Back home, this job needs the real deal! Who else could deliver such gifts with speed and joy? They pull out all the stops so each child gets a toy. These wondrous folks are able to look past their own wants and needs, to bring Christmas cheer by doing good deeds. Such is the lesson I expect you to learn tonight. So, jump right in and help, and please don't put up a fight!"

Wendy stepped up to the belt, finding that she was way too tall. "Hey, how can I help? These tools were made for someone super small!"

"Hmm…" Santa stroked his beard. "By George, you're right! Why didn't I see it before?" The old man snapped his fingers. "There! Now, you can easily do your chore!"

With a blink of her eye, Wendy had shrunk by half. She was horrified to see that she barely reached Santa's calf. Her lumberjack outfit and thick winter coat, were now a dorky, striped one piece, and curled shoes that looked like boats. Dipper's pine-tree cap became a cute matching hat with bell tips. Her long copper hair turned pigtails made her lose her grip.

"AHH!" Wendy shrieked as she felt her now-pointed ears. "Change me back!" She demanded. "Don't think I can't kick your chunky rear!"

Santa used one hand to hold back the pint-sized, fist-swinging threat. "Oh, give it up, kid. Just look at me! I'm not even breaking a sweat! All this protesting is really getting you nowhere. Help the elves with the toys, and I'll think about changing you back. I swear. Only when your Christmas spirit is revived, will you be allowed to go home. I'll leave you be now. Santa's got better things to do than listen to you drone."

Santa took his leave, when he stopped after a few paces. "I hate to do this to you, but to be honest, I'm really too old for chases." He snapped his fingers once more, the room echoed with a click. Wendy looked down, "What's this? Another one of your tricks?"

A metal tether was placed around her ankle, meant to hold her in place. Wendy couldn't run away or jump. She could barely walk around or pace. "You think you got me, old man?" Wendy bragged. "I'll be outta here super-quick." She reached under her hat, "As soon as I find my lock – "

"Looking for these?"

Santa flashed a grin, displaying Wendy's trusty lockpicks in his hand. "That's right, kiddo. Santa knows all your secrets. That's why he's the man!" Wendy was left speechless as her captor soon disappeared from sight. She pulled on her chain with all her might. The freckled elf tugged and yanked and fought against the shackle, but every escape attempt resulted in a painful ankle tackle.

Now faced with no other choice, Wendy turned around to accept her fate. She grabbed a toy off the assembly line and followed alongside with her elven mates. But after a few minutes, Wendy found the task to be a bore. She elbowed the nearest working elf neighbor, "So, what are you in for?"

The tiny elf stared at Wendy in a confused state. "I don't think you understand. We elves choose our own fate. We each have free will. Santa doesn't force us to stay. All of us volunteer here. We don't even ask for any pay!"

Wendy looked around at the other elves workers walking around scot-free. She was the only one chained down to the heavy machinery.

"Then, I don't get it." Wendy asked. "Why do you do all this?" The elf replied, "Because the end result is truly pure bliss. Seeing the happy, smiling faces of the grateful girls and boys, it's what powers our great quest. It brings us great joy!"

Wendy grew more curious. "But how can you see all of these things? There's too many to see and they're so far away. Are you just pulling my strings?"

"Watch…"

Wendy grew silent as from the assembly wall came something new. From a small crack, some kind of electrical portal grew. The portal shifted from different planes into a whole new world. Before Wendy's emerald eyes, did the elf's story unfurled.

A little girl knelt on the side of her bed, praying to the powers that be to watch over her loved ones' heads.

"That's little Clara," introduced Wendy's new friend. "She volunteers to take care of her grandma, helping around the house to no end. Even though her family has little money for presents, she gives them little grief. For this, we're giving her a special dollie to provide her some well-needed relief."

A new item flew down the conveyor belt at rocket speeds. Dozens of elven hands rushed to give it the details it needs. A blonde, huggable doll was the final result. Its design was truly perfect. There wasn't anything possible to insult. It flew off the line and into Santa's bag in an almost magical way, and soon, into Clara's awaiting arms on Christmas Day.

"I have to admit," Wendy's mood began to lighten. "That was really neat." She no longer felt like fighting.

"Then, why don't you give it a shot," the elf did suggest. "You're part elf now. You can do it. Try your best!"

Wendy began to picture a child in need, someone who was indeed worthy of the elves' creed. She opened her eyes and gasped aloud, as Wendy was soon presented with her very own cloud. The other elves murmured and gathered around, to see what child Wendy's mind had found.

The image became clear, displaying a teenage boy in punk clothing. His hair was blue. His jeans were torn and holey. But man, was his attitude loathing. The teen was with his mother, doing some late holiday shopping. But to Wendy's shock, she could make out some swears dropping. "No, Mom, you moron! What were you thinking? Are you always this dumb, or have you been possibly drinking? I said I wanted Super Linguini Bros. 3, not Part 2! Man, I honestly can't believe I'm related to you!"

As the image in the portal faded away, Wendy's blood boiled, perhaps more than anytime that day. The boy's expected present had appeared before her, half-finished. But her budding Christmas spirit had been quickly diminished. She picked up the video game machine, and threw it over her shoulder. Wendy let out a chuckle as her insight became ever bolder. All of the elves were shocked and frozen in pause, as the now-wrecked toy landed at the feet of Santa Claus.

Wendy spun around in horror. She knew an apology would be way too late. This latest outburst would surely seal her fate.

Instead, he approached Wendy without a sign of anger and rage. Santa rubbed his bearded chin, knowing he had to take from another page. "Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. We need to go inside to find why you despise Christmas Day."

He stepped up to Wendy, who was still stuck in place, and placed his black glove over her freckled face.

"What are you doing?" She tried to pull away. "Stop being a creep! Get your stinking hand off me! I can't see a peep!"

Santa removed his hand, and Wendy was now filled with a sense of dread. She had been warped to a dark room with a yellow light hanging ahead. "Hello?" Wendy called out, no longer shackled. "Is anyone there?" "Sorry!" A new voice answered. "I'm on my way. I had to finish my hair!"

A purple and pink glow invaded the darkened space. Wendy entered a fighting stance, just in case. The small ball became a pixie, straight out of a fable. "Weird." Wendy noted. "You kinda look like my friend, Mabel."

The brunette fairy gave off a familiar smile, "Hey, there! Welcome! I hope you stay awhile. Beyond this point, lie the doors three. They represent Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Yippee! Each door will take you to a different point in time on Christmas Day. By journey's end, we'll learn the real reason of why you feel this way."

Wendy shrugged, "It isn't like I have any choice." The pixie agreed and waved, "No, not really. Just follow my voice! If you need anything, I'll be your busy bee! All you need to do is shout, "Hey, Christmas Fairy!""

The fairy led Wendy to the door labelled, "Christmas Past." She opened the door, "Come on! This will be a blast!" Wendy was reluctant, but did what the sprite asked. The redhead couldn't believe it! She was now ten years in the past!

They stood in a better version of the Corduroy household, one that hadn't been yet damaged by Manly Dan's tantrums left uncontrolled. In the farthest corner of a somewhat messy kitchen, a super-tall, redheaded woman baked cookies as her pigtailed daughter pitched-in. The child was covered in white flour from head and toe, and her chubby, little fingers were caked in sticky dough. But the deed was finally done. Into the oven, the cookies went in. The mother tightly hugged her baby, looking over her proudly with a grin. "I'm so proud of you, my little one. You perfectly made my recipe: Chocolate-frosted Christmas trees with just a pinch of sesame. One day, you'll be able to do it alone. Maybe to impress some lucky boy, or when you have a family of your own, my dearest Wendy Corduroy."

The little girl held her mother even tighter, her hidden anxiety and social fears became a tad bit lighter.

"Mama…"

The Christmas Fairy watched the heartwarming scene with glee. "How adorable!" She turned around, finding something unexpectedly. Wendy had turned away from the memory, as she hugged her own shoulders. "Can we get out of here, please? This all is getting older and older."

The pixie sighed, as she waved the memory away. "Maybe we can find something even better here in present day." Wendy followed the fairy to the next Christmas door, "Are we almost done? I'm not gonna lie. This is becoming a chore."

The fairy reached the large door, marked with label, "Present," so that Wendy could bear witness to ongoing Christmas events. This time, she was presented with not one window, or two, but three! On her left side, Wendy could make out a familiar, half-broken Christmas tree. The Gift Shop of the Mystery Shack was decorated with green and red. A nearby buffet table held quite an awesome spread!

The new Mr. Mystery, Soos, stood at the counter with elbows resting. His saddened face was downright depressing. Melody, his girlfriend and partner at the Mystery Shack, suddenly snuck behind him and gave him a hug-attack. "Hey, why so glum, big guy?" she wondered. "Gee, Melody." Soos lamented. "This party was nothing but a blunder. Everybody went to that McGucket shindig instead. With the way things are going, maybe I should have stayed in bed. Even Wendy, who works here, couldn't even bother to attend, Let's face it, this idea was nothing but a dead end."

Melody lowered her head against Soos's shoulder fat, "Oh, don't be silly. Just you forget about that! They can have their stupid party. Let them be. We'll have our own little Christmas; just you and me! And don't mind Wendy. You know she doesn't mean to hurt you. Besides, with us alone, we can make our Christmas a bit more "blue.""

The couple's lips met as they shared a Christmas kiss, though Wendy turned her head and quickly dismissed. "Okay! Moving on!" She fled the scene with swift feet, though she secretly thought the moment was sorta sweet.

The middle window allowed Wendy to view the snow-covered woods, as four burly soldiers followed a path, their heads covered in hoods. Wendy easily recognized those running around in the dead of winter making noise, It was her father, Manly Dan, and her brothers, the Corduroy boys!

Marcus, Kevin, and Gus followed along with dear old Dad, "Keep going!" Dan barked. "Onwards, my beefy lads! Those monsters this summer were only the beginning! We'll practice and train day and night to make sure we keep winning!"

The youngest boy, Gus, started to complain, "How'd Wendy get out of this? She's totally to blame! She said she couldn't come because of work? Yeah, right! She's full of it! What a jerk!"

It was then when Manly Dan came to a stop. The boys crashed into his mighty form, and dropped. He stuck a finger in his smallest son's face. "You watch your tongue, boy! Don't be a disgrace!" That girl beat the odds and surprised us all, She helped saved this town from its ultimate downfall. Wendy's proven herself to me. My stone-cold heart she had won, I only wish she was here to show you boys how to get the job done! But my girl's not here, so us four will have to do. We'll work together on this blessed day to show the world that Corduroys rule!"

The boys rallied around their father's battle cry, and Wendy watched them march without batting an eye. "Don't think I'm not touched by Dad's words. I hate to betray his trust. I just wanted to get out of apocalypse training without a fuss. Living through Weirdmageddon was more than enough for me. After that mess, couldn't we relax and let things be?"

Wendy's attention was drawn by the window on the right. Every part of the Northwest Mansion was bathed in glorious light. Its new owner, Fiddleford McGucket, had really turned things around. To properly celebrate, he threw a Christmas party for the whole town! Mingles of classes, both rich and poor, engaged with each other without signs of bore. Gathered at a distant table were a collection of Wendy's chums, Thompson, Tambry, Nate, Lee, and even Robbie V., that gothic bum. They sat bored out of their minds, their attention spans were wearing thin, without their fearless leader to swoop in for the win. The plucky cashier's mischievous mind usually created their favorite dares, games, and pranks, and now without her around, the mellow atmosphere really did stank! Surprisingly enough, Thompson threw his fist down! "Why are we just sitting here? Sure, Wendy's not around, but would she want us to sit around and pout? No way! She'd tell us to get off our butts, no doubt! C'mon, guys. Let's make our Wendy proud! We'll cause a little mayhem and make this party loud! He lifted his half-drank cup of punch into the air, as the rest of the teens joined in with the cheer:

"For Wendy!"

Wendy backed away from the third open portal, "I'm not really sure if I get this moral. Sure, all three present views have people that miss me, but their Christmases seemed to be better if I left things be."

The pixie bobbed her head, "Oh, Wendy. Try looking at this way instead. All of these groups would be better if you were there, but in your absence, they refuse to let their Christmas fall into despair. They celebrate what they have, versus what they have not. Now, with that said, maybe is there something more to Christmas that you thought?"

"Perhaps…" Wendy said, stroking her chin with curiosity. "Great!" The fairy proclaimed. "There's one last thing to see!" However, Wendy's interests soon broke away, as the door called "Christmas Future" made her want to stay. "Hold on!" The sprite cried out. "There's nothing interesting in here, I bet, and I'm not sure if Santa wants you to see that yet."

"It's nice to want things." Wendy opened the door and smirked. "What's Santa hiding now, that big, colossal jerk?" To Wendy's amazement, she was back at Santa's workshop. The lines of elves went on building toys non-stop. The big man himself surveyed his on-going mission, as he stood at the assembly line with his newest addition. Santa patted the shoulder of the pigtailed elf with a familiar, striped uniform. Her frozen, freckled beam was anything but the norm. The elf didn't even so much as breathe or blink, as her hands blindly manufactured new goods with a "clink, clink, clink!"

Wendy covered her mouth, "No! No way! This cannot be! I know that mindless little elf – that's me!"

Wendy's stomach grew nauseous as she stumbled away. Her pixie friend pleaded with her to stay. "Please, Wendy. You don't understand! This possible future is not Santa's ultimate plan!" But Wendy refused to hear her anymore. "Stay away from me! Let me outta this place!" she roared.

The blackened arena shattered like broken glass, Wendy was back in front of Santa and his elven class. The force of the mighty ginger had broken Santa's spell, as her outburst made him land on his jingle bells.

Wendy marched towards him with a nasty glare, until she was pulled back by her ankle snare. "I've had it with you, fat man! You've hit my last nerve! Now, it's about time that I give you what you deserve! You kidnap me and bring me to this awful place, and then you turn me into one of the elven race! You threaten me with child labor? So what? Big deal! Do you know the geezer I work for? He's an even bigger heel! Then, you dare to invade my mindscape and some, and pervert my most private of memories, you scum! You wanna make me your slave? I'd want you to try. Come a few steps closer, and I'll be happy to give you a black eye! I'll give you one last chance to change your mind. I'm too generous, I know. I'm not asking, I'm telling: LET-ME-GO!"

The other elves remained silent as Santa stood upright. His demeanor had changed to that of sorrow, not fright. "My poor Wendy Corduroy. I feel I failed you. For on this night, I was unable to give you Christmas spirit renewed. Your anger and pain is just way too great, I fear this time, ol' St. Nick had arrived too, too late. Your fate has been sealed. I'm sorry it sounds so grim. I have no other choice but to leave you to…him…

With that, Santa and his elves took their leave, leaving Wendy stunned as she couldn't believe. "Where are you all going? What? The truth was too much to bear? Didn't anyone hear me? I said lemme outta here!"

Now, left by herself and trapped in the empty hall, Wendy slumped down into a saddened ball. Her green eyes grew watery, but she refused to cry. To give her captors the satisfaction, the girl would rather die. The worse thing of all no one knew she was stuck here, as they enjoyed their Christmases without worry or care.

"I can't really blame them." Wendy said, with her chin on her knees. "I know I have hang-ups about Christmas. That part's solely on me. Still, I wish that someone could look beyond their bliss, and see that I was missing and things were amiss."

Little did Wendy know, as her mind began to wander, a new portal formed on the assembly wall beyond yonder. She didn't notice the window leading away from this nightmare, until she could make out familiar voices she'd know anywhere.

"Dipper? Dipper? Are you in there? Where are you now? To where did you disappear?"

Wendy climbed on top of the conveyor belt, as the icy feeling in her heart started to melt. Dipper Pines sat on his bed, with a wireless phone in hand, as his twin Mabel charged into the room with a demand. "Dipper, come join the party! What's the matter with you?" He explained to his sister, "Mabel, it's Wendy. I can't get through! All I wanted was to wish her a Merry Christmas, but no one seems to know where she is! I tried the Shack, and Tambry and Nate and the other teens. And no one picks up at her home. The phone just rings and rings! I don't mean to be overprotective, Mabel. I know I have a choice, but I'd feel so much better if I could hear Wendy's voice."

"Oh, Dipper," Mabel sat next to him on his bed. "Quit being such a big worry-head. Wendy's a big girl. She can handle things by her own. The last thing she'd want you to do is make this overblown. It's not a big deal. Christmas isn't Wendy's thing. If she wanted to be here, she would have given us a ring. Remember last summer? Here, I'll give you a clue. You can't force someone to do something they don't wanna do. Now, come on, already! Turn that frown upside-down! Let's get back to the party before anyone notices you're not around!"

And with that, Mabel went back on her way, but in spite of her speech, Dipper still wanted to stay. His parents' party was filled with family friends unknown, and older cousins that rather spend more time on their cell phones. The thirteen-year-old felt like a stranger in his own house, wishing for something that could keep his Christmas spirit from being doused.

He sighed, and lurched forward with a sigh. "Mabel's right, but I couldn't help but try. I know Wendy's busy, but I still wish she would have come. Maybe then, this stupid party wouldn't be so lonely and dumb."

It was then that Dipper made a wish that he hoped would travel far: "I hope you're having a Merry Christmas, Wendy…wherever you are."

A heartbroken Wendy rested her forehead against the portal's seem, when at long last, her eyes started to teem. A line of tears traveled down each cheek as she started to cry. She didn't think of herself, but of her special little guy. "I'm so sorry, Dipper." Wendy sniffled. "I really made things a mess. I wish I could make it right. I should have said "yes.""

"Wendy?" "Dipper?"

"AAH!" The boy screamed as he flew off the bed, convinced at first, he was hearing voices in his head. But sure enough, in a wavy window above his room, contained the image of Wendy, with a sense of doom.

"Wendy?" Dipper asked again. "Is it really you in there?" "Of course it is, dork." She said from the portal in mid-air.

Dipper moved towards the vision of his crush, and upon seeing what was wrong, his voice went in a rush. "Wendy, what's happened? Why aren't you tall? Your hair! Your ears! And what's the deal with that weird hall?"

Wendy wiped her face and started to plead her case. "Dipper, you gotta help me get out of this place! You're not going to believe this! I'm at the North Pole! Santa kidnapped me, and he won't let me go! He's forcing me to make toys and talk to Christmas ghosts. It's like he's trying to find what irritates me the most!"

Dipper immediately sprung to the rescue. "Don't worry, Wendy. I'll find a way to save you!" He examined the portal up and down and side-to-side, But hadn't an idea how to reach his secret love without a guide. After a few minutes, Dipper stood on his bed, as no more plans danced around in his head. "I'm really sorry, Wendy. I haven't a clue. I've never seen anything like this before. I don't know how to help you."

The two teenagers stood on different borders of time and space, as they met for the first time in months face-to-face. Dipper placed a hand against his side of the plane, The shine in his eyes had vanished and drained. "I – I wish you were here with us…with me…" Wendy set her palm against her devotee's. "I do, too, buddy. Trust me. Right now, there's no other place I'd rather be…"

All of a sudden, as though a Christmas blessing, their hands were able to touch through the barrier's meshing! Wendy and Dipper's fingers entwined as they laughed in disbelief, the ability to make physical contact came as such a relief.

Dipper said, "How can this be? I don't understand. Is this really happening? Or is it sleight of hand?" Wendy squeezed harder, "Hey, kiddo? Not at all trying to be rude, but Santa's coming back soon, so please, pull me though, dude!"

With that, Dipper tightened his grip and gave a tug, His noodle arms pulled Wendy into a huge bear hug. Once the slender redhead was more than halfway through, their worries returned with a threat somewhat new.

"What's wrong now?" Dipper strained. "Of all the dumb luck…" "I almost forgot, Dipper." Wendy explained. "I'm stuck! That old fat jerk snapped a cuff on my foot super-tight, to make sure I'd stay in his crummy workshop all night!"

Dipper wouldn't stop trying. "There has to be something I can do. There's no way I'd ever give up on you!" Though the kind words touched Wendy deeply in this situation out of whack, a second later, she could feel something try to pull her back. "No!" Dipper dug his heels deep into the blankets of his bed. "Don' t think this is over! I'd rather drop dead!"

"Dipper! Don't let go!" "I won't!"

Both Dipper and Wendy screamed as they were pulled into the wormhole, They landed back at Santa's workshop back at the North Pole, where Santa awaited with a horrific beast by his side, a ten-foot, horned demon, a so-called protector of yuletide. It was bearded and dressed in tattered clothing, its appearance was terrifying and somewhat loathing. The screams of the damned came from a container on its side. It held a wooden paddle, meant to tan wicked hides. Upon seeing this monster, the partners-in-crime shrieked, holding each other in terror as their knees became weak.

Santa shook his head, "Wendy, I've tried my best to make this right, but I feel there's nothing I can do to have you see the light. There's only one way to curb your attitude so pompous. I introduce to you, the Christmas monster known as the Krampus!

The fanged behemoth unleashed an unearthly roar, that even managed to shake the whole floor. It took a hooved step forwards in its quest, far from trendy, to claim the soul of the wicked child known as Wendy.

"Wait!"

Dipper shielded his still-ensnared sweetheart, He held his arms outwards, ready to do his part. The tiny boy's eyes met with his one-time rival, "Santa…" he greeted, thinking only of Wendy's survival. "Dipper…" Santa replied in the same, sober tone. "So, how goes those "Anti-Santa" traps in your home?" "You already know," Dipper grimaced, "That they're far from okay, but that's not the reason I'm here today. I don't have all the details, but I think I know enough. Please let Wendy go, and we'll be gone without a huff! I know at first, Wendy seems aloof and really tough. But she's so much more than that! Take it from this cream-puff! I get that Christmas spirit is your thing. That's okay and fine. If it's such a big deal, then what about mine? There is nothing I want more than to have Wendy to come home with me, so I ask you kindly, can't we please just let things be? I don't have a leg to stand on. But still, I'll beg this of you today: Please, Santa. Don't take my Wendy away!"

Dipper turned back to see Wendy slightly blushing. He corrected the mistake he made by rushing.

"I mean, "Don't take Wendy away!"

Santa and his pet gave each other a quick look, Their combined decision no more than a split second took:

"NO!"

The Krampus crept by Wendy, as she froze in a trance, as Dipper fought back with a second chance. "All right! You want a bad kid to give your curse? What if I could name someone even worse? A person that definitely deserves your type of misery? Here's a thought. How about you take me?!"

"Dude, don't!" Wendy said. "You really need to shut up now! If you keep going, you'll end up as this thing's Christmas chow!"

But Dipper ignored his crush's protests, and began to list off his sins and confess. "I've lied, cheated, and stole too many times, and that's only the beginning of my crimes! I beat up a gang of gnomes and marked them for dead. I fought living wax statues and cut off Larry King's head! I raised zombies up and left those secret agents to die, and made my sister, Pacifica, and even Wendy cry. I won't fight you, creature. I'll admit I made my own bed. I'll ask you a second time, leave Wendy, and take me instead!"

The Krampus licked his lips with a sense of glee, truly fascinated by Dipper's dirty laundry. He changed course to add Dipper to his collection, as Wendy dashed in front to offer her protection.

"Ain't going to happen, ugly! Not no how, or no way! Lay a claw on that kid, and I swear you're going to pay! If you want Dipper, you'll have to go through me first! So, come on, tough guy! I'm prepared to take your worst! If anyone deserves a decent Christmas, it's Dipper, my boy! And it's gonna happen, or else, my name's not Wendy Corduroy!"

To Wendy and Dipper's surprise, both tormentors began to laugh. Santa and Krampus supported each other so they wouldn't split in half. The elder's smile returned, "See, Wendy? I knew you would come through! Your act of sacrifice shows your Christmas spirit has been truly renewed! Santa's deed has been done. There's no further need for this. You two are free to go and enjoy Christmas bliss!"

Wendy raised an eyebrow, worried if there was another trick to be found. "Seriously?" Santa snapped his fingers a third time, as her shackle opened and fell to the ground. "Seriously."

Dipper and Wendy walked to the portal shining so bright, as Wendy realized something still wasn't quite right. "Santa, my man, I really don't mean to stall, but before we go, can you please make me tall?"

Dipper elbowed his friend, "I dunno. I think I like you better this way." "Please, Dipper, don't give him ideas." Wendy whispered with dismay.

Santa let out another joyful laugh, "Oh, I almost forgot, my dear. When you go home, your natural height will return, so have no fear." He and the Krampus offered a wave as the duo traveled back to California. "Have a Merry Christmas! But if not, you can't say we didn't warn ya!"

Back in Piedmont, Wendy and Dipper landed back in his bedroom, as she discovered she was no longer fitted in elven costume. Wendy's lumberjack clothing and height were rightfully restored, as the portal closely behind them, hopefully forevermore. Relieved, they rushed in for a snuggly embrace, their hearts still racing from escaping such a crazy place.

Dipper looked up at Wendy, "Are you sure you're alright?" "Thanks to you, buddy." She grinned and held him tight. "I don't know what to say, Dipper. Tonight, you really came though." "Oh, it was nothing." He blushed. "If reversed, I'd know I could count on you."

Their touching reunion was suddenly interrupted, as from the doorway, a shrill squeal erupted: "Ohmigosh!" Mabel grabbed her cheeks. "You're really here!" She wrapped around Wendy's waist as the much-taller girl rubbed her brown hair. "I knew I heard your voice! Did you change your mind?" Wendy turned to Dipper as she was caught in another bind. "Actually, Mabel." Dipper started. "Wendy wanted to surprise us. She spent all day and night traveling here on a small bus." Wendy followed along with Dipper's white lie about her stay. "I hope I'm not too late to join you guys on Christmas Day?" "What? No way!" Mabel exclaimed with excitement and great cheer. She flew from the room, "Hey, everybody! You won't believe who's here!"

With the two following along at a safe distance, Wendy gave Dipper a love tap, "Hey, thanks again for the quick assistance." "No biggie." He said with an embarrassed modest. "But if I can ask, are you sure you're ready for all this?" She threw her arm around her favorite little dork. "Of course I am, but now, let's get to work! I have something special to share with you two. Call it an old family recipe: Chocolate-frosted Christmas trees with just a pinch of sesame."

As they rounded the corner, Mabel teased, "Hey, you two! Guess where you're below? You guys are right under the mistletoe – "

"O-kay! That's enough right there!"

Wendy leaned forward on her knees as Dipper remained cross-legged on the colored rug on the floor. They looked up at Soos, dressed in a Santa cap, as he read from a selection of his fanfiction in Stan's recliner.

"Wow…" Dipper rested a heavy head against his fists. "I really didn't believe Soos when he said he made a Christmas story starring us, but there it is…"

"What's the matter?" Soos asked with a disappointed look. "You guys didn't like my Christmas rhymes?"

"No offense, Soos." Wendy threw out an arm in outrage, "But that story was kinda sexist, don't cha think? Why was I the one kidnapped? And Dipper saving me? Isn't that sorta cliché?"

"Well," Dipper held a finger up. "There was that one time at the Dusk2Dawn…"

"Exactly, buster! One time! Check the rescue scorecard, pal! I guarantee I have more saves checked off than you. Bet on it! And you really think Santa can take me on? Let 'im try! I'll punch him in the mistletoe, and break my foot off in his ho-ho – "

*CRASH!*

A thunderous crash could be heard on the Mystery Shack's roof. The sound made all three freeze in their tracks.

"Um," Dipper mumbled. "What was that you were saying, Wendy?"

"I – I," The lumberjane rambled nervously. "Like I was saying, maybe we should take a break, and get some hot cocoa and cookies, and see if there's any wholesome Christmas TV specials on."

"Good idea!"

"Sounds like a plan!"

The boys and Wendy jumped up and left the room, pressed together back-to-back. Their eyes searched every corner, in fear of a possible yuletide attack.

-------------------------------------------------------------

"And from this point here, our story finally concludes. Have a Happy Holiday, my friends. And remember, Santa's always watching you…"

[shuttershocky]

Remake Carmilla.

Ahh Carmilla the womanslayer. her stats and skills are alright, but her Quick based deck with only 2 hits on Quick really sucks. At least she has the NP gain of a god!

Our goal for Carmilla is to make her a dominant NP spammer and attacker in spite of her Assassin damage and her QQQAB deck, to the point that you may even consider her for killing non Rider female enemies.

____________________

Skill 1: Bloodsucker (Dominatrix) (8-6 turns) - Reduce Enemy gauge by 1. Charge own NP gauge (18-27%). Remove all buffs from enemy and apply all the nonspecial buffs (such as attack, defense, card type, NP gen, Heal per turn, etc) on herself

Skill 2 - Torture Technique (7-5 turns) - Stun one enemy for 1 turn. Apply TORTURE debuff for 3 turns on the enemy.

TORTURE - units afflicted with the TORTURE debuff have their defense lowered by 15% every time they are attacked. Critical hits lower their defense for 25%. the defense debuffs disappear 1 turn after the TORTURE debuff is removed.

Skill 3 - Blood Bath (7-5 turns) - Gain stars per turn up to 3 turns (5-10 stars). Reduce one enemy’s critical attack chance for 3 turns (30-50%). If this enemy dies with Blood bath on them, Carmilla gains a 15% attack and a 15% critical damage buff (no duration, removable).

Noble Phantasm: Phantom Maiden (BUSTER, 1 hit) - Deal damage to one enemy (800% - 1,200%). Recover own HP by 20% of her maximum HP. Increases own attack by 20% for 3 turns. 

Overcharge - If the target is Female, increase Carmilla’s NP gain for 3 turns (30-50%), increase healing received by (30-50%), increase NP damage by (20-30%), Overcharge activates first. 

______________________

Let’s be very honest with ourselves here. nobody will use Carmilla while Jack is a thing. she’s a fast NP spammer and her buffs have made her powerful, but her disjointed deck (QQQAB with a Buster NP) and her extra female damage only working on her NP while Jack gets a whole trait buff and has better stats AND has 5 hit counts on Quick AND has better synergy on her deck means that Carmilla looks very sad.

Sure you can say don’t compare an SR to an SSR, but I am of the belief that SRs shouldn’t be sad budget versions of SSRs, and these two can occupy the same niche while executing their game plan differently.

This Carmilla skillset has her be the main attacker on your team. her ability to stack permanent attack buffs on herself via Blood Bath and deal a ridiculous amount of defense downs via Torture technique makes her a snowbally character who executes enemies faster and faster until she’s in a frenzy. instead of giving her a flat special damage bonus to female enemies, I thought it would be cool if using Phantom maiden on female enemies increased her NP spam capabilities, while also boosting her self-heal. To top it all off, Bloodsucker lets her steal enemy buffs on top of what it usually does. A fun gimmick for that vampire flavor.

She still has the same weaknesses (no hard survivability, disjointed deck, Assassin damage and Quick damage hold her back until she’s built up enough buffs), but I am in love with the idea of her becoming more and more dangerous the more girls she kills, until she’s an unstoppable monster.  

[weeklymtgflashfanfic]

Mtg Flash Fan Fiction Prompt (Week 8)

Greetings readers and writers, and welcome back to a new prompt! This time around we’re doing a card that got a lot of attention here on Tumblr when it was first spoiled, both for its mechanical potential and because of the relatability of its flavor text, and that is quickly affirming itself as a solid engine for some decks on Arena. I’m talking, of course, about Experimental Frenzy!

This card’s illustration is kind of like the effect: it’s messy, throwing you right into the mix with no idea of what’s going on! So, of course, the writer’s interpretation is essential here: Who are these people? Why are they all in a frenzy? What will the end result of their experiments be? That’s entirely up to you!

Unfortunately the artist, Simon Dominc, has yet to post a full version of this art, therefore I will instead showcase an item somewhat related to it:

Ah, coffee... the magical Fast juice that keeps us all going...

Reblog this post with your submission and tag it as #mtg flash fan fic so it can be found easily, and remember that this is flash fiction, so your story can’t have more than 1000 words in it! Also, remember to include this note at the beginning or end of your work: “[Title of your Fan Content] is unofficial Fan Content permitted under the Fan Content Policy. Not approved/endorsed by Wizards. Portions of the materials used are property of Wizards of the Coast. ©Wizards of the Coast LLC.”

Please reblog so we can reach as many people as possible!

[inventors-fair]

The Cheers Start Coming - Relentless Optimism Winners

Hello hello, everyone! So many cool entries this week! It was definitely a challenging contest to toe the line, since we all want to make super splashy and exciting designs, but the winners this week were the ones who reined the splashiness in for the sake of a well-balanced, clean-looking card. So without further ado:

Deadly Sins by @starch255

Okay, I just... wow. An insanely flavorful design that really encapsulates the cool, spooky feeling of the deadly sins. As others have pointed out, playing all seven of these would just barely kill you without lifegain (21 damage), but each one offers you increasing power, starting out with a cantrip and evolving to digging through a huge chunk of your deck. It does seem kind of funny that you’re actively trying to collect as many sins as possible, but hey, that’s black mana for ya. Increasing power at increasing cost. Honestly, I don’t have much more to say about this card, since it’s so simple and clean. If I had to nitpick something, I would say it’s kinda disappointing that you can lose future copies of the Deadly sins to your grave if you hit more than one at a time, but that just powers up your next cast, so it’s really not a huge loss. The card is incredible, and perfectly straddles the line between “interesting enough to play” and “bonkers insane when the deck is full of them”.

Tuktuk Scout by @demimonde-semigoddess This is definitely pushing the boundary of how complex a relentless common could be, but it does it so well. The fact that there’s so many different ways to play this is what intrigues me. You can just go right for amassing an army of scouts, skipping their adventure bit. And then cast a single Rush Ahead to send them all into a frenzy. By the way, A+ flavor that as soon as one of them “rushes”, all of them go nuts. Alternatively, you can alternate between the two and slowly build a wider and taller board. The haste part also works super nicely, since it can allow the most recently played Scout to join the attack. I do wish the Adventure could somehow grant haste to the creature it's on if you play it right after, but that’s a limitation of Adventures more than anything. I do like that their toughness isn’t boosted as well- much like Rat Colony, they’re very formidable in combat, but also very fragile. This card is just solid across the board.

Blade of the Legion by @hiygamer My first thought was “colorless relentless card would be very dangerous for a cheerios deck”, but then I realized... eh? There’s enough 0 cost artifacts already that needing multiple cost reducers before you can dump these out probably isn’t worth it, unless you’re specifically using them for their equipment purpose rather than a draw-your-library kinda combo. I really do like how this plays- the initial investment seems steep, but the fact that the equip cost cares about any other equipments rather than other Blades means that this can just be used to round out the edges of an equipment deck. This means you don’t have to go all in on these, which is pretty nice. I do think it would be a bit of a pain with Leonin Shikari, but hey, isn’t most equipment? This makes for a pretty straightforward and fun deck to play, and I would love to try it for a test run. Side note, is it intentional that this shares a name with Tajic’s epithet, or was that a neat coincidence?

Congrats to the winners, and I will see you shortly for runners-up!

[ninetyfivepercentdantomasik]

Welcome Back, Slivers

A Love Letter to the Hive from a Magic: The Gathering Player

I’ve been into card games since I was about 8 when Yu-Gi-Oh first came to American television. Around Middle School, I started hearing about Magic: The Gathering. Mostly from my fellow card game players. My main hesitance stemmed from a bad early exposure to it. Namely, being told it was better than the game I loved, the game I loved was stupid, and when I did learn the rules and give it a try my opponent gave me scraps to fight against a fully fleshed-out deck it had no chance against. So, not the best introduction to the game.

Years later, in college, I met a group of guys who I could play card games (still Yu-Gi-Oh) almost constantly with. As in, we literally played almost every day for anywhere from 2-9 hours. I have that group and card games to thank for making my college experience a fun one and keeping me out of trouble. Around Junior year, some of our players made the transition to Magic. Wary from my bad experiences with people who said it was the “better” game, I was resistant to join. In the end though, I trusted these guys enough not to take advantage of me and use this as an excuse to tear the newbie apart to feel superior. You’ll have to remember, at this point we were playing card games so much, we thrived on entertainment and whatever kept things exciting. 2 vs 2, 5 vs 5, 8 vs 8, 3-way free-for-all with each player using two randomly assigned decks from our combined collections, etc. If these guys wanted to keep playing, we had to go in expecting a good game. So they assembled me a deck from their spare Magic cards (Mono-Green, I believe) and we started playing. I rarely won, granted more from my own lack of strategy than anything.

It was still just hard for me to really get into the game with a deck someone else had made for me. So, in my spare time when they played more competitive games, I would go through their spares and look for anything they were willing to part with. A few things I had to concede to Magic over Yu-Gi-Oh was the quality of art on the cards. These cards looked like real paintings and fantasy worlds, not just increasingly buffed-up and armored combat monsters. As an avid doodler and fantasy enthusiast myself, I found cards I could enjoy just for the artwork, even if they weren’t particularly good (Twisted Image was and still is one of my favorites). These cards also had flavor text, little snippets of story info, references, or even jokes that Yu-Gi-Oh parted ways with around the time I turned 9. I started looking for an idea to build around, but since at the time my favorite fantasy creature was unanimously dragons, something which are rare and hard to come by in beginner Magic and thus very unlikely to be simply given away to a newbie, I had to look for something else.

I found a Sliver. This weird little critter with a pointy, eyeless head, a snake-ish body ending in two tails, and one clawed arm. Unusual, but it had an ability that I couldn’t ignore; it gave every Sliver its ability to bring a dead Sliver back to life. I kept looking and found a few more. Nothing special, just more variations on this simple design that all had one ability that they then gave to every other Sliver. It sounded perfect! At first my friends were pretty indifferent to my grabbing a couple Slivers among other things, but when it became clear I wanted to build a whole deck around them, the groanings began. See, what I didn’t realize is that Slivers have a nasty reputation among a lot of Magic players. Anyone who plays them will find themselves at the center of a lovely game known as “Everyone Kill the Sliver Player”. The reason is because, well, they work. Slivers, left unchecked, have a tendency to dominate the game and become unstoppable. Hence Sliver Decks are, while not officially banned, very hated.

Basic MTG 101; the way a Sliver Deck works is basically by playing as many Slivers as possible. Each one has a unique ability that it gives to every other Sliver. 1 Sliver has 1 ability, 2 Slivers have 2 abilities, 5 Slivers have 5 abilities, and so on. The math adds up fast. Storywise, Slivers function kind of like the Aliens. Operating via a Hive Mentality, directed by a Queen, existing mostly to hunt, eat, and multiply, often to the misfortune of anything else that happens to live in the world. They’re not actually evil, they aren’t bred for pure destruction like the Alien, they don’t kidnap victims to be implanted with baby Slivers that rip out your chest to painfully kill you. They’re more like ants. If ants were much bigger and did things besides bite. They’re just doing ant things and everything & everyone else just happens to be in the way. Hence, conflict.

I told my group I wasn’t looking to make some kind of monster. I was using scraps from their spares, almost nothing above a common rarity. Few of my friends even had any Slivers that could really be considered problematic, but the stigma and fear of runaway Slivers prevailed. There’s a Sliver for almost every single ability in the game, which means they can theoretically do just about anything. The terror of what that implies goes deep in a lot of Magic players, so I had to do whatever I could to prove to them I wasn’t trying to kill the fun of competition with a super serious deck.

I liked the idea of a simple design with several dozen variations from an artistic standpoint, and having a deck full of cards that each explained an ability or dynamic of a game I was still learning was extremely helpful. Their flavor text also crafted a simple enough story that I could follow without having to know too much MTG mythology. I loved Slivers because I thought they were cool, not because I thought they would win. So they became a sort of side project for me as I grew more & more interested in Magic. Eventually, my friends came around and started looking for other common Slivers in the spare cards of their friends and in card shops for me to add to my collection, wary not to give me anything too strong for fear of what might happen if the Slivers came fully online. I was happy with my little Black/White Sliver Deck. Crypt Sliver, Clot Sliver, Mindlash Sliver, Metallic Sliver, Plated Sliver, Armor Sliver, Lymph Sliver, Basal Sliver, Spectral Sliver, Frenzy Sliver, and the one nastier card my friends permitted me, Ward Sliver. Surprising everyone including me, the deck worked pretty well in our little group. It wasn’t unstoppable like my friends feared, but it was damn effective.

I have fond memories of the Slivers because it made the game fun for me when for so long it had just been a negative experience. They helped me get more interested in the game I now love and broke down a lot of barriers. My Sliver Deck reminds me of the days when I was still a new player and was collecting cards simply because I liked them. For that, the Slivers will always hold a special place in my heart. And nowadays, when I’m on a particularly unpleasant losing streak and my friends are getting a little too overconfident, I have a fully online Sliver Deck that reminds them how quickly the tables can turn. And they can hate it all they want.

[goaleisure]

Goa Carnival 2019

Goa Carnival

Who has not heard of the famous Goa Carnival?

If the word Carnival conjures up images of vibrant colours, people dressed in fancy costumes, lots of fun and revelry, then the Goa Carnaval will not disappoint you! One of Goa’s most popular and enduring attractions is the Goa Carnival. Experience the carnival just like it is in South America, yet with a distinctly Indian touch. The carnival consists of parades across the length and breadth of Goa, most noticeably in Margao, Panaji, Vasco and Mapusa. Like all other Latin American carnivals, the Goa Carnaval culminates in the crowning of the indubitable King Momo, who is selected from the participants.

It usually takes place each year around February. It was introduced by the Portuguese who ruled over Goa for almost 450 years and is originally celebrated by the Catholics. The carnival marks the celebrations before the month of Lent which characterizes fasting. It starts on the first day with a grand procession headed by King Momo. Huge colourful parades take over the state’s cities as the streets become lively with the traditional carnival costumes, bands, floats & dances. Most of the streets are decorated with attractive lighting & grand balls. Goa forgets to sleep during this carnival as these parades continue throughout the night. It concludes on the final day with the famous red & black dance. It features a frenzy of tourist activities. Most of the tourists indulge in feasting, merrymaking and drinking throughout the day. Although it started as a celebration by the local people, it has attracted thousands of people from all over the country and even from around the globe.

Dating back to the reign of the Portuguese, the carnival has a distinct Portuguese flavor; yet it has transcended any cultural or religious barriers and is an iconic Goan event.

How did it Begin?

The Carnival comes from early Christianity, and is celebrated in several countries, especially in South America, and is popularly known as Mardi Gras. The carnival typically falls on the last Tuesday before the Lent season begins. It is the last day that believing Christians eat rich foods before they go into the fasting or abstinence period.

With the long Portuguese settlement in the state, the Carnival has become very much a part and parcel of Goan culture and heritage. This 4-day jamboree of fun and folic is much awaited by the locals and tourists alike.

 The Festivities

While Goa is the quintessential tourist paradise, nothing brings out the colours and flavours of Goa like the carnival does! And nothing brings in the tourists in hordes like the carnival does! Tourists Indian and international, looking to have fun and make merry make a beeline to this event. There are parades all over the streets of Goa, coupled with dancers and live music bands. The entire State is decked up in fancy lights and decorations. And of course, what is Goa without food and drinks. The sumptuous food and drink stalls further add to the revelry.

The fourth day marks the finale of the event and is a glorious spectacle to behold. The King of Chaos, Momo, leads this parade, urging the public to ‘eat, drink and make merry’. He is accompanied by a motley coterie of jesters, fire-eaters, dancers, clowns, acrobats and what-have-you.

Travel Buzz:

It continues to be cool and breezy in February, so it’s a great time to be in Goa. Ideally, you would want to book early though, as hotel prices, as well as flight tickets are much in demand, and thus pretty high.  

The Specifics

When: 2nd – 5th March, 2019

Where: Panjim (North Goa), Madgaon (South Goa), Vasco da Gama (South Goa), Mapusa, Morjim (both in North Goa) & Curchorem (South Goa)

Entry: Free, and open to all

Fred Travels offers transportation facilities to the Carnival

Email us for Family and Group tours : enquiries@fredtravels.com

[housebeleren]

Guilds of Ravnica Reprints & New Art

Guilds of Ravnica is an exciting set for a number of reasons, and not the least of those reasons is a chance to get all new art for some reprinted cards. It’s always one of my favorite parts of preview season: seeing which cards they picked for reprint, and ogling over the new art.

This time around, three reprinted cards kept their old art, which is a break from tradition for non-core standard sets. Chromatic Lantern, Goblin Electromancer, and Wee Dragonauts are all welcome reprints (Lantern in particular), but they all have somewhat iconic art already set on Ravnica, so it makes sense that new art wasn’t necessary.

As always, it critical to note that all Magic art is wonderful, and my preference for any one over another is just that: preference.

Let’s start with possibly my favorite piece of new art in Guilds of Ravnica. Honestly, this feels like somewhat of a random inclusion in the set, given that it doesn’t synergize or even particularly play well with any of the mechanics or guild strategies. That said, I’m absolutely stunned by this gorgeous piece of art by Igor Kieryluk. Igor has done a number of pieces for MTG over the years, and, for me, this will join the ranks as one of the most memorable and iconic. There’s a softness to this that’s powerful, evocative, and haunting. It’s beautiful.

He’s really good at these mist effects, no? Really fits into the film noir styling of the set.

Previous art (From now on, I’m just doing chronological, without ranking, but I’ll bold particular favorites of mine):

Guilds of Ravnica

Magic 2011

Y’know, I always feel like this card goes back way further than it actually does. First printing was in Ixalan, but it feels like a staple, and for good reason. This type of modal removal has been making a lot of appearances in Standard over the past few years, and I think they’ve been great successes. As for this art, it’s really a cool design. I love the perspective, with all the detail of the different city layers just barely visible below. The Ixalan version more clearly depicts action, but in some ways, the opposite is what makes the Guilds version shine. The calm in this piece is ominous, waiting for the strike with bated breath. Really excellent.

Simon Dominic is relatively new to MTG art, with a couple of pieces from Hour of Devastation being the first I could find. Even so, I really enjoy what he brings to the style. He’s got definite whimsy in his pieces (Experimental Frenzy is another of his from this set), and beautiful use of bold accent colors. His pieces have tons of detail, often with layers and layers of background to explore. Really fantastic.

Guilds of Ravnica

Ixalan

Dead Weight is a card with already existing art that’s pretty well known by Randy Gallegos. As much as I love that version, I find this new one by Lake Hurwitz to be really compelling. The perspective, with the ball & chain taking up so much space in the foreground, is really unique. And I love how well this evokes the spirit of the Rakdos cult, even though they’re not a major presence in this set. It’s a nice touch.

Guilds of Ravnica

Innistrad

I love this card. It plays really well in Guilds Limited, what with all the big Golgari & Selesnya cards running around. As far as the art goes, this new depiction is really flavorful. The Dimir slicing right through an Azorius statute is somehow both literal and figurative at the same time. I also really love the detail of the cathedral in the background on the right side. Amazing what can be done with such a monochromatic palette. Deruchenko Alexander has worked with monochromatic palettes before, just look at the gorgeous green jungle of Ornery Kudu or the ethereal purple light in Entreat the Dead. He also did the phenomenal Spell Pierce from Ixalan, one of the highlights from that set.

I do still love the original Khans of Tarkir version this one by Svetlin Velinov, with the Sultai Naga slicing through the Mardu banner. You can really feel the “disdain” in it. 

Guilds of Ravnica

FNM 2015 Promo

Khans of Tarkir

Giant Spiders show up in basically every set, and there’s only so much variety in them. I do love the ominous nature of this one, with the skeleton remains of its previous victims in the foreground. Really sets the “recluse” tone of the piece, a little more so than the Magic Origins original.

Mike Bierek gets a piece or two in just about every Magic set, and with good reason. Many iconic pieces belong to him, perhaps none more so than the current version of Sol Ring you’ll find in every Commander deck. More recently, he’s done the fabulous Nexus of Fate Buy-a-Box promo, and one of my favorite Guilds of Ravnica pieces, Artful Takedown.

Guilds of Ravnica

Magic Origins

I’ll admit, this reprint completely flew under the radar for me, probably because I never played during Judgment. Ol’ Ironshell here gets his first treatment in modern borders. Kev Walker tends to prefer these close up perspectives, with very minimal, hazy backgrounds. Rather than detail a cathedral facade, as in Disdainful Stroke above, Kev merely suggests such a building in the upper-left corner of the background.

The focus on the beetle plays well with the flavor text, lending to the feeling of whimsy present in a lot of Kev’s recent pieces. This is the space where I think he truly shines.

Guilds of Ravnica

Judgment

Another recent reprint. Looks like they’ve settled on the White Pacifism effect they want for Standard at this point. This version, by Mark Behm, has a slightly fuzzy, almost impressionistic feel to it, particularly in the treatment of the floor in this room. Again, the flavor text enhances the fun & whimsy of the card, making it clear this is a theme they’re trying to play up when they have the creative space to do so. I love the idea of the Azorius trying to codify how to handle all the various bizarre Simic creatures they end up having to detain in this world.

Guilds of Ravnica

Rivals of Ixalan

This is another card that goes way back, all the way back to Tempest block. I love when they can reprint cards like this as periodic staple effects, decades later. The art is a first-time inclusion by Heonhwa Choe, and it’s beautifully done. I love this look at the Gruul, and a taste of what we can expect more of in Ravnica Allegiance. This is probably my favorite version of this card, and I hope we see more from Heonhwa Choe in the future.

Guilds of Ravnica

Conflux

Invasion

Exodus

This card makes a ton of inclusion in this set, so win for whoever put it in the card file. This new art really evokes the concept of the art, that all the members of the Conclave are lending their power to a single champion in a time of need. The color scheme of rich greens with the pops of purple is really gorgeous, and reminds me of Alex Konstad’s Merfolk from Ixalan (check out Jade Bearer for a sense of what I mean.) But what I especially love about his work is the incredible sense of motion. Just browse through his card art, and it’s really amazing how dynamic his pieces feel, so you can really get a sense of the action that is taking place.

Guilds of Ravnica

Rise of the Eldrazi

Of all the cards I expected to see reprints in standard formats, Narcomoeba was never one I really considered. And yet, it’s a perfect fit for Guilds of Ravnica, thanks to the Surveil mechanic. While the original art was intentional in its ambiguous location & time, the new one puts the architecture of Ravnica on gorgeous display. Howard Lyon is a master, and it shows in this piece. This art looks like it’s taken directly out of dreams. It has the quality of a beautiful piece of art from children’s literature, and I mean that in all wonderful ways. I particularly love the inclusion of the fishing person and his cat, which enhance the dream-like quality of the piece. I kinda want everything in my life to be done in this color palette.

Guilds of Ravnica

Future Sight

And yet again, the grand saga of Creature A vs. Creature B on Prey Upon art continues! This time, it’s some sort of Faerie vs a Giant Spider! (Maybe a Hitchclaw Recluse?) I do love the perspective on this one, staring up from the deepest bowels of the undercity. G-Host Lee has only done a handful of pieces for Magic (1 each set starting with Rivals of Ixalan), but they’re all excellent. One common threat I see with them is a great use of distance & perspective. Check out Storm Fleet Sprinter to really get a sense of what I mean. I definitely hope to see more G-Host art in the coming sets. As for Prey Upon, I like just about every version of this staple, but this one is one of my favorites.

Guilds of Ravnica

Explorers of Ixalan

Aether Revolt

Eldritch Moon

Innistrad

Righteous Blow is a card we haven’t seen in a while, though there are a lot of similar effects running around. This art by Izzy is really interesting, with the light source seemingly emanating from the weapon strike itself, as if they’re fighting in an otherwise dark space. I love a lot of Izzy’s art (such as the fabulous Radical Idea for this very set), but for this particular piece, I think I prefer the original by Clint Cleary.

Guilds of Ravnica

Avacyn Restored

Wizards seems to have taken the “Penis Wurm” issue seriously, since all the Wurms in Guilds of Ravnica have a decidedly less penis-like design to them. Siege Wurm showed up first in the Original Ravnica, and has been the poster-child for Convoke ever since. I really like this version by Filip Burburan, and it’s consistent with his “all of the teeth” aesthetic. (Seriously, the new Tarmogoyf for UMA is peak Burburan at its best.) Again, this piece also ties in nicely with the flavor text to create that more lighthearted tone that permeates the set.

Guilds of Ravnica

Ravnica: City of Guilds

Skyknight has been the signature Boros Common since its debut, and that’s not going to change this time around. It’s great to see Chase Stone making a Limited Common, since he is frequently tapped for Mythics, iconic characters & story moments. I love the vista of the city that you see here, though it didn’t read super well on card size, so it’s great to see the larger image here. The action of the knight, standing in the stirrups, gives the piece a ton of energy and excitement. One other thing I particularly like is the color palette of the piece. Previous Skyknights were aggressively Red/Orange in their artwork. Sometimes I like the art clearly evoking the “card color,” but sometimes it looks contrived. Here, he lets the Red & White of the Knight’s armor, the rooftops, & the Roc do the color-indicating work, while keeping the sky & clouds in a realistic palette. It really just elevates the whole piece. My only wish would be to see just a touch more of the mount he’s on, but I get that the focus is intentionally on the rider. 

Guilds of Ravnica

Gatecrash

Ravnica: City of Guilds

The whimsy is real. Someone did a really great job pairing the art descriptions & flavor text in this set. This art gets better the longer I look at it. No surprise, Steve Argyle is the shit. Nuff said.

Guilds of Ravnica

Ixalan

Battle for Zendikar

Wall of Mist is a relatively new card, but it seems poised for staple status. This new art, by Tianhua X, has that surreal, dream-like quality that permeates this set. I love the tall spires climbing out of the mist. Tianhua X is relatively new to Magic Art, starting with some exquisite lands from Battle for Zendikar. He excels at creating pieces with unique perspectives, often slanted or climbing up at extreme angles. They heighten the sense of the fantastical in pieces like this, when at its core it’s simply fog in a city. Beautifully done.

Guilds of Ravnica

Core Set 2019

The Guildgates are all excellent this time around. I love the “front door/back door” design, as it helps to showcase different aspects of each of the guilds. They’re all really gorgeously done.

Guilds of Ravnica

Return to Ravnica

And finally, the shock lands. What trip to Ravnica would be complete without these? The art keeps getting better and better, and I don’t think any two exemplify this better than Temple Garden & Overgrown Tomb. The rich autumn colors in the Selesnya art is absolutely stunning, and I love the stone statues in the tomb, signaling the era of Vraska. Really beautiful pieces all around.

Guilds of Ravnica

Return to Ravnica

Ravnica: City of Guilds

Whew. So that’s it. Those are the reprints that got new art in Guilds of Ravnica. I’ll try to touch on some of the other noteworthy art on new cards in a future post.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

Shailene Woodley And Sam Claflin Explain That 'Pornographic' Peanut Butter Scene In 'Adrift'

http://fashion-trendin.com/shailene-woodley-and-sam-claflin-explain-that-pornographic-peanut-butter-scene-in-adrift/

Shailene Woodley And Sam Claflin Explain That 'Pornographic' Peanut Butter Scene In 'Adrift'

Like some of its best predecessors in the genre, Baltasar Kormákur’s new lost-at-sea flick “Adrift” is both an entertaining and agitating drama that toys with your blood pressure and capitalizes on the fear of open water.

Based on the true story of Tami Oldham and Richard Sharp, the movie recounts how the couple sailed directly into the powerful Hurricane Raymond on a trip from Tahiti to San Diego in 1983.

During shoots for the film, which hit theaters last Friday, actors Shailene Woodley (Tami) and Sam Claflin (Richard) skipped full meals to accurately portray two very hungry people attempting to survive on a dilapidated sailboat for 40-plus days.

Both Woodley and Claflin followed strict diets of “flavorless food” while filming their scenes at sea in remote locations off the coast of Fiji.

“I didn’t eat dinner for about a month, and our breakfast and lunch was eggs, semisteamed vegetables ― they were mostly raw ― and lamb chops. It was hard to even eat it because it was the same thing [every day],” Woodley told HuffPost in a Build Series interview.

On top of that, the actors endured sea sickness and exhaustion to embody the real-life experiences of Tami and Richard. 

It’s this fact, that the stars were pretty much starving and disoriented throughout shooting, that makes one of the film’s least stressful moments so watchable.

Cue the erotic peanut butter scene.

After being adrift for a few days, Tami, desperate for nourishment for herself and a badly injured Richard, decides to venture below deck to scrounge up any food that wasn’t destroyed by the tsunami-sized wave that hit their boat. She discovers a jar of peanut butter among the wreckage ― and absolute ecstasy ensues. 

Back on deck with a laid-up Richard, Tami dunks what appears to be her entire hand into the jar of creaminess and sticks it in Richard’s mouth as he moans with joy. Tami enjoys the nutty goodness herself, adding to the already titillating feeding frenzy.

According to Woodley and Claflin, acting wasn’t needed to pull off this scene. 

“Balt [the director] hates peanut butter, so we made it as pornographic as we could,” Claflin said. “The orgasmic sounds that we made were so genuine because we just hadn’t had any flavor for like three months.”

“It was just real! It was real,” Woodley exclaimed. “You’ll notice, the amount of peanut butter that I put on my hand to feed him and feed myself is absurd. But it’s because we had an excuse to!” 

Kormákur, who was also present during the interview, said he’d overhear the ravenous Woodley and Claflin on set going on and on about one thing and one thing only: junk food. 

“I’ve been in this kind of circumstance where you mostly hear [actors] talking about their landscape artist or the villas they’re going to buy at the end of the job. They’re just talking about simple food. Just a cheeseburger! That was their biggest dream,” he laughed. 

Woodley agreed, explaining that aside from the underwater scenes she was looking forward to, she was constantly daydreaming about forbidden grub. 

“I was looking through photos that [Sam and I] sent each other back and forth while we were filming,” Woodley said, “and there was about 30 in a row of just these hi-fi, Instagram screenshots or Google searches of ice cream sundaes and cheesecakes and pancakes.” 

Luckily, there was one vice Woodley allowed herself during the grueling six-week water shoot.

“When you don’t eat, you have so much adrenaline running through your body from the day that I would just have to down a glass of wine to pass out,” she said. “That was my dinner every night!” 

Watch the full interview with Shailene Woodley, Sam Claflin and Baltasar Kormákur below. “Adrift” is out now. 

[aestheticsxemotions]

B613 / "Sin City"

April 13th, 2007 "I suppose the point of me writing this to put every card on my table. To have the deck laid out. To expose my hand in this ridiculous game of Texas Hold 'Em. To explain...her. It. Us. Let me start, I guess, by saying; I was a murderer. Am a murderer. Black and white, plain and simple. No heroic undertone. I need to make money; I'm good at what I do. I'm an assassin if you want to use a different term but I use murderer cause that's what assassins are. I'm an assassin. Murderer. Synonyms. I kill people for money, is the moral of the story. I've spent 27 years living so far and about 13 of them killing people. I know I'm harping on the "killing people" part of this. There's a reason for that. I need you to understand, I'm REALLY good at what I do. I've created "asthma attacks", "heart attacks"......there are cold missing persons cases from '98 that are a result of me being good at my fucking job. I'm good at this. Great at this. No one had to teach me, I can do it on my own and I'm good at it. Which I guess is how she found me. I pride myself on being thorough and anonymous....and expensive. It can be anywhere between $50,000-$500,000 for a body....depending on how easy you want the trace to come back to you. So she was automatically on the wrong foot, offering me far too much money for a one body job. "Kill her rapist." That was the request she made. In a club. Where people could hear her. After speaking to me for 20 minutes. "Kill her rapist for $2M." You don't get to where I am in my....career by being stupid. You don't get all the way here by actually doing blatantly illegal things for shiny girls in dark clubs. So I laughed, bought her another drink and told her I wished we lived in a world where I could. Which I didn't by the way. I barely knew her at the time; that was an unfortunate history to have but it wasn't my problem. The irony in that is that very few of the problems I deal with are mine. The counter irony was that it wasn't her problem either. She was lying. But I'm getting sidetracked. That night, she persisted. She told how easy she thought it would be, how dumb the people around her were, how simple it was to get rid of bodies. True statements, accurate statements, statements I agreed with. Just....definitely not statements you say in a club to a stranger. I told her if she felt so strongly she should save herself two million dollars and kill her rapist herself. We laughed two harmonious fake laughs. Then I fed her petty, pointless compliments, paid for our drinks and left. I actually had a job to do within the next 13 minutes and she was an adorable waste of time but a waste of time was she. Her existence stayed on my mind though. On the walk to the bus stop, as I chatted with the lady there and slipped small pieces of glass into her drink when she turned around, as I pulled up my hoodie and walked away while she began to die- The Girl was plaguing my thoughts. A club full of people, she sits across from me and begins to blather about her homicidal intentions. That was bizarre, wasn't it? I could've been a cop for all she knew. She could've been a cop for all I knew. It didn't matter in the long run, though. It was weird but I didn't know her, she'd never see me again and I definitely hadn't incriminated myself in any way. So I went on with my life. Until the day of my next job, where she miraculously appeared again. I had to make a congressman look like he wanted to take his own life. But I had about an hour to do that. Except I spent about a 20 minutes or so trying to get the hell away from Victoria. "Hey, it's Riley, right?" she asked, taking it upon herself to sit across from me in this coffee shop. I widened my eyes at her before checking my wristwatch. 48 minutes. I had 48 minutes to create a suicide. "Riley. Right." And I smiled politely. "Wrong." she quipped. "Excuse me?" "Your names not Riley." I was floored and annoyed. Who was this girl? Why was she interrogating me? Why was she in my way again? On a job day. Again. I think that's when the wheels first started clicking in my head. "And your names really Quinn?" I'd asked. She stirred and sipped her coffee. My question went unanswered. Don't misunderstand me, I found her attractive and in another life, we probably could've...I don't know, slept together? Isn't that what people do? Have sex with people they like? Whatever it is you people do, I could've with her. If I wasn't an assassin. If I wasn't always on a job when we were in contact. If something didn't feel endlessly....off about her. But right then, I had 40 minutes left to a job and she was in my way. Again. So again, I paid our coffee, told her how pretty she was and politely slipped away. As I was on my way out of the door, I heard her voice raise above all the other commotion in the coffee place. "Victoria Black." I turned back around in confusion but she wasn't at our table anymore. I scanned the coffee place. She'd vanished. But that was her voice, I would bet anything on it. Within the following 40 minutes, she psychologically haunted me the way she had that first night. I followed a tour group into the building congressman Kayleigh was meeting in, slipped into his office, typed up his suicide note while waiting for him to walk in, then when he did, I brought him to his knees and broke his neck. I rigged up three extensions cords to the radiator by his window, wrapped them around his neck then put him on his feet on the windows edge. In 5 seconds, he fell. I heard people scream. I had 2 minutes and 17 seconds to get out of Kayleigh's office. But I did. I did and it felt...secondary. Everything did. I didn't even enjoy that kill. Because Victoria lingered on my mind. I couldn't deal with this emotion that this young lady was putting into my stomach. Two weeks passed. Two weeks of me going back to that coffee shop, that club and never seeing her. Of moving around that city, our state and never seeing her. Then I got another job. In New York. For historical context, I'm from Arizona but I met Victoria in California. So New York was exactly what I needed. It was cross country, it was away from her, it was always busy. I packed up shop (some clothes, my masks, my tools and Derek the Cat) and left. On the road, I'd felt this twang of....something. Longing or regret? I knew it was for Victoria. I knew that this was what some of you called "missing someone". But I couldn't miss her, clearly. I didn't know her, I didn't want to know her. I wrote it off to the desire for the unknown and kept my foot to the gas pedal. New York was about as loud and busy as had been said which was perfect because it gave me a challenge. I had to plant a bomb where no one would see me, where no one would find it but it had destroy a specific group of people. I spent a week running the semantics. What time did these people meet up, where did they go, who did the moving around and of what? How easy was it going to be to blow up this church? Answer: Fairly. I went back to my hotel on Saturday, rigged up the explosives and put them neatly in a tote bag. Woke up the next morning, dressed myself and went to that very same church, pretending to give glory to some deity. And then in an accidental, coincidental, oops how silly of me mistake, I left my bag there after the service. The news that night restored a feeling in me that Victoria had taken. 156 bodies. Or matching body parts, I suppose. I was liberated. I was validated. I was back in the game. I was being followed. I didn't know it at the time of the job but I knew it when I got back to my hotel. Because I carried my bag in my right hand. I also ate, shaved and changed the channel with my right hand. And I drank coffee with my right hand. But back in my room, my coffee mug was on the left hand side of my desk. The left hand. The hand I'd watched Victoria use to do just about everything since I'd met her. I'll be the first to admit. I lost it that night. I went into a frenzy, I was going to know who this girl was and what the hell she wanted. I called up contacts of mine, I called in favors. I did my homework. And I found her. Two floors above me, five rooms down. In New York. Victoria had followed me from California to New York. What do you do when your flirt-buddy gone stalker manages to track you across the country to yet another egregious and wildly illegal hit against other human beings? You confront her. I made my way upstairs in a frenzy, the same two questions playing cat and mouse in my head. Who was this girl? What did she want? Who was this girl? What did she want? "Took you long enough." she quipped, opening her door the moment I arrived. Let me take this moment to say: on the list of things I know are wrong with me, the fact that I have control issues plays a big part in just about everything I do. I don't like being outsmarted or thought ahead of. I don't like feeling behind. I don't like being runner up. It bothers me. A lot like Victoria bothered me. I kissed her. The first one was to make sure I could. The second and thirty following were with her consent. I had this nerve burning need for her. It was literally eating me alive from the inside out. I threw her on the bed, her robe open. Matching white underwear. Fucking Christ, she'd been expecting me. This time, I elected to ignore that. I climbed on top of her, my lips all over her skin. At some point, she tried to pull my shirt off. "Do not touch me." I practically growled, gripping her hands above her head. "Alex." she whimpered. My head spun at the use of my actual name but right behind that was the whimpering itself. Finally. She was submitting. I was in control. I needed more of that. A lot more. Her skin tasted like vanilla. Her pussy tasted like mangoes. Not two flavors I thought I'd ever like together. You learn something new everyday I suppose. 3 hours later, she passed out from exhaustion and I was finally completely back at peace. 156 people were dead at my hand. I'd orgasmed my stalker out of consciousness. I was good again. I started looking around her hotel room, rifling through her stuff as I was entitled to do considering she was stalking me. She had regular girl stuff. Tampons, makeup, a Coco Chanel collection. The also had case files. On 3 of the men who'd hired me. On their companies. On me. Which I should've expected, right? Except that's when it hit me. Why she was so good at finding me, why what I did didn't bother her, why she was so goddamn persistent. Someone had put a hit out on me. And they were her orders. Victoria was sent here to kill me. I'd been hunted before. This wasn't the first time. If I survive, it won't be the last. You don't get to where I am by not making any enemies. But she's looking for me now. She has to know I know. And to answer that question you're asking yourself; I tried. I went over to that bed where I'd just fucked her to sleep and contemplated killing her right there. But....I didn't want to. I didn't want to kill Victoria. She hadn't killed me yet, right? She'd had more than one opportunity to. She could've but she didn't so I couldn't. So I left. I left the room, the hotel, the state of NY. I'm in Miami now. But I'm not dumb. She'll follow, she'll find me. Maybe she'll kill me. Maybe she won't. But Victoria was my story to tell. Of all the things I'd been through, Victoria was the first story I felt worth telling. I don't know who I'm writing this for. Or why. But when I die, you will know why. Victoria Black killed me. I let Victoria Black kill me. And I probably loved every minute of it. -Anastasia Alex DeRosa

[inventors-fair]

Yours Truly

Congratulations to our winners this week: @decayingbooks with You Belong With Me, @starch255 with Our Permanent, and @gollumni with You’re Too Late!

~

You Belong With Me

Wow, this is a very solid common! Removal at common needs to be pretty weak, so a sorcery speed exile effect that requires something specific in the bin is pretty on the money. I also like the symmetry of one card exiled from both decks. It is an amazing way to make the flavor work, and definitely fits the art, the name, and even the set symbol. The name already has a sort of dark tone, almost demanding, but rather than that, you took the darkness the other way, making it about two people genuinely wanting each other but not making it work out the way they hoped. This really is a card with a lot of flavor, which makes up for it’s not as complex text box. It’s very cool to have a well-designed simple card where the depth and complexity comes from the flavor more than the card itself. That’s not something you see everyday. I also find it funny you said this was based on the song “Wicked Love” by the Boulet Brothers, because I thought of the Taylor Swift song first, which is the complete opposite tone.

-

Our Permanent

Italics in the name was not something we were expecting this week. First off, we like how it can target any permanent, since we can put it on a land or creature or artifact where it will be most useful, which are all things that red can deal with. Red’s big weakness, though, is supposed to be enchantments, and putting this on an aura will often make it immediately fall off, and putting it on other enchantments can sometimes similarly shut it off. As much as we hate when cards spell it out so clearly, we think that putting “non-enchantment” on what it can target may be necessary. Beyond that, we love it. It’s another Frenzied Fugue but with more opportunity for fun and shenanigans. One last note is that this is a little weird with blink, because the “gain control” ETB doesn’t have a duration, so if we blink this we can just permanently steal stuff, but red is the color least likely to pull that off, and it can be fizzled easily. Even so, I can see why you’d want to shorten the trigger, the card’s already wordy. Picking this card as a winner may just be due to personal preference, but it’s just so much fun, and I’m glad we submitted it.

-

You’re Too Late

I’m glad you weren’t too late to submit. This is a weird and wacky spell with a lot of potential. Casting two of these or copying one could easily end the game quickly. It’s a tendrils that’s two cheaper but needs to be cast at the beginning instead of the end. I think the cost reduction is more important than the other part, since you can tap out for those last few spells. It also inverets a lot of stuff about the archetype. Like, you can’t cast tutors or wishes for your kill spell to grow storm, because you’d rather cast your kill spell before your tutors. What I’m saying is that this is a very weird and unique card that I could see forming a new archetype in some formats, which is awesome. One thing I’ll say, though, is that I’m not sure if this needs to be blue, both in cost and function. As in, I think the “can’t be countered” is a bit unnecessary and kind of overkill, plus it shuts down one of the few pieces of interaction if you’re ready to combo off, and as a default it’s better to let something interact at some point. Also, the blue in the cost only really reflects that part. Any color can care about casting spells, it doesn’t need to be blue just because it’s storm-y. That said, maybe add a mana? I’m unsure about what the right cost is, but it’s really hard for me to not like this card as a designer.

~

Good job all of you! You did great, and I’m very happy with all the entries this week. I’ll be back in a bit with the runners-up. Stay tuned!

- Mod Mr. ShinyObject