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verllaine-blog · 7 years

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A guide to the fandom of French politics/lolitics

I found something similar going around in the Spanish lolitics fandom (I think?) and thought it was kind of funny, and what with French politics going world-wide since the elections in May and Macron making himself heard around the globe (and before you come at me, he’s also got his flaws too, I’ll fully agree with you there), I thought it would be cool to open up the wonderful fandom of French politics (and our ships!) to our international friends. So sit tight, this is probably going to be long!

First off, who are the big names you’re likely to find the most often?

Emmanuel Macron

° Not surprising since he’s our new president.

° He’s actually pretty smol. Especially when standing next to other taller world leaders.

° He’s a lot younger than the other members of the French politics fandom. (He’s 39).

° Can’t take selfies.

° POUDRE DE PERLIMPIMPIN.

° (It’s even a song).

° He looks like a pretty cool guy but does have some shitty policies he wants to put into effect (*cough* doesn't necessarily plan to stop nuclear energy jobs even though they are polluting *cough*).

° Literally seems to think that he’s some kind of king/God.

° Loves Europe & the European Union (like, Emmanuel Macron x the EU is as canon as Emmanuel x Brigitte).

° Likes cordons bleus (and I get him, cordons bleus are amazing), chocolates and eating off the kid’s menu and is essentially a child in an adult’s body.

° Apparently even the official cook at the Elysée palace makes him little cordons bleus. (And he loves them).

° Is probably going to be annoying in the upcoming five years but we currently kind of like him. Or at the very least, he hasn’t fucked up too bad yet. (But please don’t cozy up to Trump too much).

° Is far better at speaking English than most French politicians (and possibly even the current US president) and uses expressions that are probably twice his age and that nobody uses anymore.

Manuel Valls

° He’s from Spain Catalonia but he’s French.

° Our former Prime Minister. Apparently he tried to join Macron’s party after the elections?

° The scapegoat who gets blamed for everything, even stuff he isn't fully responsible for.

° Had flour thrown on him that one time.

° Often angry, but he does smile sometimes. (They’re actually rays of sunshine)

° Really did try to save the Parti Socialiste but didn’t manage and ended up quitting it. Is more of a center-left candidate??

° Dealt with a wide variety of shit ranging from terrorist attacks to being slapped across the face.

° The VEINY HANDS ™.

° King of the style game and sometimes wears see-through shirts. (cf La Rochelle, 2015).

° Was kind of friends with Macron (he was the one who convinced Hollande to hire him before they started to work together).

° People are beginning to realize that their hatred towards him was misdirected, which is nice. Hell, some are even beginning to appreciate him, which is even better.

° Gave that one really amazing speech at the Assemblée Nationale on January 13 2015 and got a standing ovation for it.

° Probably chilling off somewhere now? Or is he still trying to join En Marche?

° Has a cute Cairn Terrier called Homère. He even used to bring him to his meetings at the Elysée palace.

Benoît Hamon

° Former member of the Socialist party. He tried hard to save it, he really did.

° Is basically a Hobbit.

° Has lots of cute pairs of glasses.

° Good with kids.

° REGION BRETAGNE EN FORCE!

° His real name is Baenoît Hamon.

° Even shared a picture of his kebab once and it was way more popular than President Macron’s official portrait.

° Deserved so much better.

° Is an actual cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.

Arnaud Montebourg

° Toll ™.

° Often seen hanging out with Hamon.

° A rebel, he resigned from his post as economy minister from Hollande’s government.

° Is a drama queen.

° Loves everything with the label “Made in France”.

° Has fluffy looking hair.

Phillipe Poutou

° Far-left anticapitalist.

° He literally has no chill and will destroy you if you give him the opportunity.

° Popular among the young voters (I think???).

° Can also be really cute and adorable when he doesn’t vent about the evils of capitalism.

° Too cool to wear an actual suit.

Jean-François Copé

° Sometimes wonder whether he’s an actual politician or not.

° Is sometimes problematic ™

° Says chocolatine instead of pain au chocolat (which is downright wrong >:(( ) (Question à part: ça se dit où "chocolatine" exactement?? Ca va bientôt faire quinze ans que j'habite en France et je suis jamais tombée dessus?? Ca a toujours été "pain au chocolat" chez moi???)

° Never really scores any higher than 0.5%.

° Always enthusiastic and up for a good laugh.

° Memes.

° One of the rare right-wing politicians to actually be part of the fandom since everybody else ranges from the center (Macron & maybe even Valls) to the far-left (Poutou & Mélenchon).

Jean Lassalle

° He’s not really a big name, kind of a centrist?

° Has a heavy accent and loves his region very much.

° Lives a down-to-earth-appreciate-everything kind of life.

° Is probably one of the only politicians to actually be a really adorable person in real life.

° Appreciated by both his fellow politician colleagues and the general public. (Which is a real feat here).

Christiane Taubira

° The Queen ™

° She's from French Guyana.

° Everybody loves her.

° She’s amazing, that’s all you need to know.

° She won’t let you mess with her: she might be smoll but she’s always ready to brawl (and clash you in the Assemblée Nationale).

° Has the law legalizing gay marriage named after her, like how cool is that???

Jean-Luc Mélenchon

° He's on the far-left.

° He's the hologram guy, loves modern technology.

° Has developed a legit game called "Fiscal Kombat", where the Mélenchon character fights other French politicians to make them give back money, counter frauds and earn as much cash as possible to implement his program.

° He's actually from Morocco.

° Is either angry or will take a great satisfaction in publicly clashing you.

° He has no chill and will call you out to your face.

° Always up for a fight and lives off drama.

° Is a sore looser tho.

Our international players:

Justin Trudeau

° The French speaking cousin ™ (with a slight accent)

° He’s not French but he’s basically considered as part of the fandom.

° Like Macron would say, he’s “part of the club” (yes, he really did use that expression).

° He got on well enough with the previous government,and currently has a thriving bromance with Macron.

° They probably diss Trump together in French.

° We’re all looking forward to anything more they can give us.

° Can also be spotted on photos with François Hollande and Manuel Valls.

Theresa May

° The annoying friend from across the Channel.

° Brexit with Benefits ™

° Likes football.

° Speaks English only.

° Probably a source of conflict over Europe and the EU.

° Still the English member of our Franco-British (or soon to be English-only?) bromance.

° Hopefully introduced Manu to the wonders that are Fish & Chips.

Barack Obama

° He may no longer be president but we still love him.

° Had a soft spot for Hollande’s poor English.

Angela Merkel

° Proud member of the pro-EU squad.

° Holds the flag for the Franco-German bromance.

° Was bros with Sarkozy and seems to like Macron a lot.

° Also an avid football supporter.

As for our ships, well here’s what we’ve got to offer :))

The French only ships

Vallande: François Hollande and Manuel Valls

° I don’t know, it’s the first of the political ships I really heard of.

° Apparently it was a thing??

° Basically the president and his Prime Minister.

° There is legit real fanart out there if you look hard.

° They seemed to be happy when they were together sometimes, so I guess there’s that??

° Unfortunately they then broke up when Valls left Hollande’s government to run for the left wing primaries. I guess not every pairing can have a happy ending :(

° **Edit: I just happen to have found an entire blog dedicated to the ship (Vallande is real les amis), and it's the most unlikely thing ever but also fucking hilarious! (Je ne sais pas qui est derrière ce Tumblr, mais... Merci, pour le coup, ça m'a bien fait rire ^^).

° **Edit 2: Guys, just... Check the “Vallande“ tag, I promise it’s worth it. ^^

M&M’s/Vacron: Manuel Valls and Emmanuel Macron

° Probably the most popular/biggest ship in the fandom for now.

° They have a complicated ™ relationship.

° They used to be kind of friends??? But Macron essentially stabbed Valls in the back by using Valls’ declining popularity and problems to push himself forward. ° I’m not even sure where they stand at now. Probably former colleagues?

° Although Valls did immediately back Macron after losing the socialist primary final to Hamon (whether that is to be taken as a sense of affection/friendship/something else towards Macron, I’ll let you decide for yourself).

° We still ship them though.

° All the more so because there are lots of pics (and non-photoshopped ones I might add) that are out there.

° (Perhaps they even ship themselves, who knows?)

° Oh and Vall's official nickname for Macron when they were in the same government was "Microbe", which basically means germ (if you translate it literally) or squirt.

° We also have AO3 fics and fanart. (Seriously, the M&M's fandom is amazing :)).

(Add Myriam El Khomri and you get an OT3).

(But Valls and El Khomri look more like embarrassed parents and Macron their overly-enthusiastic five year-old).

(Or you can add Najat Vallaud-Bellkacem if you’d prefer).

Cinnhamonbourge: Benoît Hamon and Arnaud Montebourg

° The Cuties ™.

° Also quite popular in the fics and fanart territory.

° Fluff, fluff and more fluff. (And possibly the occasional angst, but it's mostly fluff).

° Team “Looks like a cinnamon roll and actually is a cinnamon roll”.

° Well Hamon is, Montebourg can get a little more angry at times.

° But they like each other, that’s the most important part.

° Both are now former members of the PS, Montebourg quit in 2014 and Hamon only a month ago.

° Used to hang out together a lot.

° Probably diss Hollande (and Macron’s) government together.

° Organize cool-looking parties.

° Like flowers.

° Probably drowning their sorrows and crying over the state of French politics together. (With a bottle of fine champagne).

(You can even add Valls if you want an OT3, not sure they’d get along tho).

(Is Macrontebourg also a thing? Just askin’) (Although we all know Arnaud and Benoît belong together).

Along with Montebourg, apparently Hamon and Taubira were also good friends :)

Marine Le Pen x Florian Philippot

° I think this is also a thing?

° They’re basically the Evil Power Couple of French politics.

° Probably want to dominate France and are secretly building a “Grand Villain Manifesto” for the 2022 elections.

° They can stay together as long as they don’t bother us.

° Apparently people also ship Le Pen and Mélenchon???

° Is it a hate-ship??

° (Je n'en sais rien vraiment, mais je suis tombée dessus une ou deux fois… Je ne sais toujours pas trop quoi en penser ^^).

Team Destroy Capitalism: Nathalie Arthaud and Philippe Poutou

° Like the ship name suggests, they hate capitalism.

° The far-left bros.

° They’re full of bitterness and full of salt.

° Arthaud is Angry ™, elle est là pour NIQUER SES MERES.

° Often angry. Just a reminder.

° Poutou has no chill and will fight you even though he’s only a factory worker for Ford, who works REALLY HARD.

° (But he’s cool). (He can also be really nice and really cute).

° Arthaud will also fight you, especially on capitalism. Arthaud x Capitalism is probably her biggest NOTP.

° Team Tiny Candidates.

The international ships

Merkozy: Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy (aka President Bling Bling ™).

° I wasn’t really following politics all that much back in 2007.

° Apparently they were like BFF’s, and are one of the early bro-ships in French politics??

° The Oldie but Goldie, I guess that’s what we could roll with?

° The Smol bros.

° I don’t know whether they are still in touch or not but let’s hope so, because Merkel’s huge smiles are literal rays of sunshine.

Don't ask me, but there was also something with Hollande.

And Valls.

And she seems to be climbing up the new BFF scale with Macron too.

Hobama: François Hollande and Barack Obama

° Obama seemed to get along well with Macron’s clumsy predecessor, maybe his poor English even grew on him after a while.

° “Ah na wol spriking in French because ay oblairge ay oblaïge to do that.”

° President Classy ™ and President Awkward ™.

° They both exited the world stage at the same time at the end of 2016, right before shit got real.

° Might be keeping in touch and maybe even mounting a scheme to take out the Crazy Orange Cheeto (okay probably not, but let’s just imagine for a second that they are really doing this?)

(Obama was also friends with Sarkozy, if you were wondering).

Macdeau: Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron

(C'est bien Macdeau le "nom officiel"? Parce que j'ai vu des choses du style Macreau, Trudon et Trudō également)

° Highly anticipated bromance that came about shortly after Macron won the election.

° Basically became canon in Taormina when they met for the G7 Summit, and we got the pics of them strolling along in the flowery gardens. (Looking extremely similar to that one scene in Game of Thrones between Margaery and Sansa)

° Trudeau is Toll ™ and Macron is Smoll ™.

° Always smiling.

° New pics and Twitter posts are always welcomed and widely shared. ° They’re always happy together and as long as their bromance is thriving, so are we.

(( But if you’d rather ship him with Valls, then there’s also canon photos you can use too :) ))

Then we've also got this but:

Does it

Really warrant

An explanation?

(There aren't any pictures, but just in case you were wondering, our friend Mister Donald the Crazy Orange Cheeto also rooted for her during the elections).

Maycron: Theresa May and Emmanuel Macron

° Also a G7 baby.

° Speak English together.

° Trying to mend bridges between the UK and France. (Because from what I’ve gathered, neither Sarkozy or Hollande were apparently great friends with David Cameron).

° Give affectionate hugs.

° Probably butt heads over topics like Europe and Brexit since May wants out of the EU and Macron is arguably one of the EU leader who loves the EU the most (like I said, Macron x EU is as canon as Emmanuel x Brigitte).

° Share a passion and enthusiasm for football. May can even be a little bit too enthusiastic sometimes ;)

° Probably also vent about the Orange Cheeto to one another.

And as a Franco-Irish member of the French lolitics fandom, I'm also really happy to be able to say that

French politicians

Seem to have an ongoing bromance

With their Irish counterparts

That doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon :)

And if you really want to go deep down, here are the over-the-top-not-really-serious-recurring-pairings you can also find:

Benoît Hamon x Kebabs (It’s pure, it’s lovely, and believe it or not, it’s way more popular than you’d think more popular than Macron at any rate).

François Fillon & "Rends l'argent" (we basically want him to give back the public money he stole).

Eva Joly x The Green Glasses

° Kind of an older pairing, since it goes back to the 2012 elections (she didn't run this year).

° Joly usually wore red glasses, but to represent her Green Party (EELV), she campaigned with a pair of green ones.

° Basically what she was remembered for.

° Maybe she still wears them?

Emmanuel Macron x Cordons bleus (the truest OTP of this 2017 presidential campaign and we understand him, those things taste like heaven).

François Hollande x Being Akward (pretty much what you can resume his five-year presidency as).

Benoît Hamon x His glasses (they even have their own Twitter account apparently at LunettesBenoit).

Apparently he loves them so much he went and bought a bunch of them right before the presidential race began.

Marine Le Pen & Being a scary arsehole (basically she hates anything non 100% French, was high on drugs or something during her debate with Macron and couldn’t make coherent arguments. Blames immigrants, non French citizens and Muslims for everything wrong in the country).

She’s basically our equivalent of the horrors known as Donald Trump, Geert Wilders, Frauke Petry and Nigel Farage.

(Unsurprisingly, she's also friends with all of them).

French politicians in general x Being assaulted with food ingredients: whether it’s flour, eggs or the hand that whisks them up in the form of a slap, Valls, Macron, Le Pen, Sarkozy, Fillon and Hollande have all had it thrown at them. ^^

Après, si j'en ai oublié d'autres, n'hésitez pas à les rajouter, histoire de faire répandre nos ships et la fandom politique française à l'international! C'est ma toute première contribution, donc je n'ai probablement pas donné une liste exhaustive :))

#Hello je suis un peu nouvelle dans la fandom #et je découvre encore tous les blogs de lolitique super sympa :)#shipping politicians is also a *thing* over here #and you're all welcome to join us #French lolitics #upthebaguette #(c'est bien ça le tag pour tout ce qui est politique française?)#(j'aime trop le M&M's d'ailleurs :))#('faut vraiment que je tente la fic aussi)#lolitics

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