#G-Wizz

[gwizztheslayer]

Massacre Pt.1 (Ft. The Virus) (Prod. G-Wizz, The Slayer) - SoundCloud

Listen to Massacre Pt.1 (Ft. The Virus) (Prod. G-Wizz, The Slayer) by G-Wizz, The Slayer on #SoundCloud

Massacre Pt.1 (Ft. The Virus) (Prod. G-Wizz, The Slayer)

https://soundcloud.com/gwizztheslayer/the-massacre-pt1-single

Produced by G-Wizz, The Slayer

Mixed by Tyler Tonic

Mastered by Tyler Tonic

Cover by G-Wizz, The Slayer

Published by Dreams Of Colour

Follow G-Wizz, The Slayer (@gwizztheslayer) on:

https://www.instagram.com/gwizztheslayer

https://www.facebook.com/gwizztheslayer

https://www.twitter.com/gwizz_theslayer

https://www.tiktok.com/@gwizztheslayer

Bookings/collaborations/enquiries contact: gwizztheslayer@gmail.com

#gwizztheslayer #thevirus #themassacre #pt1 #rap #hiphop collab #soundcloud #soundcloudrapper #unsignedartist #independentartist #newmusic #upcomingartist #southafrica #southafricanrapper #2023music

[the-90s-music-colosseum]

The 90s Song Ever - Round 1 Results

Hello y'all it's me again!! We have collectively suffered through the first month of this tournament, slicing the 256-song bracket clean in half and experiencing tremendous pain. Unfortunately it is late now and I'm sleepy, so the anticipated start of Round 2 is postponed til tomorrow - keep your eyes peeled for polls! Until then... good night.

Expand to see the results of Round 1! Songs in green will be moving onto the next stage, songs in red have been banished to the shadow realm.

Side A1

Midlife Crisis vs When You Sleep Emotions vs Barbie Girl Sugar Kane vs Firestarter More Than Words vs Born Slippy Sabotage vs Wonderwall November Rain vs I Want It That Way Losing My Religion vs Kiss Of Life Stratford-On-Guy vs Grace, Too Shitlist vs Freak On A Leash Blue (Da Ba Dee) vs Doll Parts Peaches vs Bulls On Parade All Star vs Flagpole Sitta Push It vs The Distance I Could Fall In Love vs Blue Monday Two Princes vs Bitch End of the Road vs The Private Psychedelic Reel Sour Times vs Sober 1979 vs Constant Craving Now That We Found Love vs Sunburn Loverman vs Wakko's America Around The World vs Lightning Crashes Believe vs Nothing Compares 2 U Pepper vs Windowlicker Fly vs Law & Order Theme Black Hole Sun vs Sex and Candy Animal Nitrate vs Unfinished Sympathy No Rain vs The Rain Free Your Mind vs My Heart Will Go On Du Hast vs The X-Files Theme C'est la Vie vs Fear Of The Dark Supersonic vs Deceptacon Running in the 90s vs The Tourist

Side A2

Beetlebum vs Are You That Somebody Sway vs River Of Deceit Hunger Strike vs Who Will Save Your Soul? Generator vs Bills, Bills, Bills Doo Wop (That Thing) vs Finally Tearin' Up My Heart vs Silence Kid Enter Sandman vs Everybody (Backstreet's Back) Boombastic vs I'll Be There For You Yakko's World vs To Be With You Cotton Eye Joe vs Amish Paradise Nuthin' But A "G" Thang vs Basket Case Dagger vs Seven Rebel Girl vs Groove is in the Heart Baby Got Back vs Hallelujah Only Happy When It Rains vs Say You'll Be There U Can't Touch This vs How Bizarre Nancy Boy vs Cornflake Girl Affirmation vs Don't Walk Away The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air vs The Boy Is Mine Scatman (Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Dop) vs Juicy Buddy Holly vs Closing Time Pony vs Wynona's Big Brown Beaver Pretend We're Dead vs All I Wanna Do Santeria vs Send Me On My Way Birdhouse In Your Soul vs That Don't Impress Me Much Vogue vs Brain Stew/Jaded Kiss Me vs These Are Days MMMBop vs Black Genie In A Bottle vs Bullet With Butterfly Wings Tank! (Cowboy Bebop opening theme) vs Smells Like Nirvana Mind Playing Tricks On Me vs (Everything I Do) I Do It For You Friday I'm In Love vs Would?

Side B1

Everlong vs Only Wanna Be With You California Love vs Fall At Your Feet Glory Box vs Man In The Box Livin' la Vida Loca vs Are You Gonna Go My Way What's Up vs If Only Personal Jesus vs Everybody Hurts The World I Know vs Glycerine Semi-Charmed Life vs You Get What You Give I'm Too Sexy vs Amor Prohibido Rhythm Of The Night vs Heaven or Las Vegas Heart Shaped Box vs In the Aeroplane over the Sea Everything Must Go vs Insane in the Brain Tornado of Souls vs Rabbit in Your Headlights My Own Summer (Shove It) vs Ice Ice Baby Californication vs Crush On You Clown vs No Scrubs Bitter Sweet Symphony vs Say My Name Waterfalls vs Cowboys from Hell Army of Me vs Tomorrow Adam's Song vs Self Esteem Under The Bridge vs None Of Your Business No More Tears vs Roll The Bones Black Or White vs Pure Morning Stay (I Missed You) vs Lump Girls and Boys vs De Música Ligera Waking Up vs Be Aggressive Can I Kick It? vs You Oughta Know Canned Heat vs Your Woman Cannonball vs Always Be My Baby Painkiller vs Even Flow Goldeneye vs Tubthumping Steal My Sunshine vs I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)

Side B2

Closer vs Sorted For E's and Wizz Bring It All Back vs Loser Wannabe vs Jesus Christ Pose Kiss From A Rose vs Nothing Else Matters Killing in the Name vs That's The Way Love Goes Pokemon Theme (Gotta Catch 'Em All) vs Ordinary World Song of Storms vs Estoy Aquí The World Is Not Enough vs I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone Criminal vs Real Love Enjoy the Silence vs Plush This Is Halloween vs Spooky Scary Skeletons Fade Into You vs I Will Always Love You Istanbul (Not Constantinople) vs Iris Been Caught Stealing vs Virtual Insanity I Wish vs No Diggity Torn vs Common People Gangsta's Paradise vs Detachable Penis What Is Love vs The Sign Linger vs Ironic Venus as a Boy vs Lover, You Should've Come Over 100% Pure Love vs Macarena (Bayside Boys remix) Violet vs Sugar Spongebob Squarepants Theme vs ...Baby One More Time Loaded vs Creep The Kids Aren't Alright vs One In A Million Right Here, Right Now vs Bruise Violet Killing Me Softly With His Song vs Lovefool Jump Around vs Jump Don't Speak vs Spit It Out Intergalactic vs Dreams Say It Ain't So vs Smells Like Teen Spirit Poison vs Rid of Me

[autumnalwalker]

ROY G BIV tag

Thank you for the tag, @druidx. This looks like a fun new one.

Passing the (entirely optional) tag to @rickie-the-storyteller, @on-noon, @yourlocalboredprocastinator, @ghost-town-story. @broodparasitism, @itusebastian, @void-botanist, and an open tag for anyone else.

Rules: Search your your writing for the colours of the rainbow and post the excerpt

Red: Empty Names - 14 - Down Low

When Ashan finds her some ten minutes later with a satiated smile on her face and watching the spider pull in their stygian catch from the lake, the cut on Eris’s forehead has already healed.  None of the blood painting her new armor red is hers.

Orange: The Archivist's Journal, Day 78

As long as I’m writing, I suppose I ought to take a moment to describe the landing area.  It was another jutting cliff with an arch on the end, like Siren Overlook and the one we encountered to the west.  Twice could be a coincidence, but three times and I’m convinced the whole formation is artificial, not just the arch, columns, and pool.  It wasn’t nearly so overgrown as the western dock – if anything the columns were in better shape than at Siren Overlook – but whereas Siren Overlook was mostly covered in short grass with the occasional tiny white flower or stubborn shrub this was a veritable field of bright orange flowers broken only by the water lily filled pool running down the center.

Yellow: The Archivist's Journal, Day 60

Doffing my boots and carrying them in one hand, I waded in a short ways as I walked the perimeter of the spring.  It’s curious how unafraid the fish and turtles swimming the shallows were of me.  Most I could practically get within arm’s length before they darted away, and if I stood still for a few minutes, small schools of finger-length yellow fish would congregate in my shadow.

Green: The Archivist's Journal, Day 9

Hurrying to catch up with my young companion I pushed my way through the crooked door only to nearly trip over her.  The morning light had transformed the interior space from a surreal void to an awe-inspiring expanse.  Light filled the central nave.  As green leaf-filtered streams on the high side windows.  As vertical golden rays replacing the prior night’s columns of rain from holes in the roof.  As an iridescent wave coming in from the bare remains of a curved stained glass window backlighting the statue of the Reader.  All this reflected off the broad leaf and moss-filled puddles that stretched across much of the floor, still not evaporated days later.  The side aisles were a tangle of roots from the trees above, quite possibly doing as much to hold the structure up as the pillars separating aisle from nave.

Indigo: Witch's Testament: The Fighter

Weapons are raised and aimed.  The crowd begins to back away.  Someone above cracks a joke about how they should have just skipped to waving guns around if it was going to be this easy to solve the problem.

The crowd only backs off so far though, most that made it through the outer gate are still on the inside of it.  Those still stuck beyond push one another over the wall so some might get a better view.  A lone figure left behind by the receding sea of people remains standing in the middle of the reef of broken and smoking drones, tens of meters from the protesters behind him and the forces before him.  His dark clothes are long and billowing.  His pointed hat is wide brimmed to hide his face.  His serpentine familiar, assembled from scavenged and stolen parts, coils up one arm, over his shoulders, and down the other.

Someone in the line of hired guns makes an incredulous remark under his breath about cosplaying wizards.

The man corrects him to say that he’s a witch and his voice echoes through every loudspeaker, portable device, and auditory implant in the building.

The witch strides forward, his eyes glowing indigo from the shadows beneath his hat and matched by those of his slowly uncoiling familiar.

Someone gives an order to fire and an electrified dart wizzes past the unperturbed witch.  Six more darts miss.  Rubber bullets are loaded and combat implants lock in firing trajectories.

To the eyes of the security personnel, every shot should be a hit but impossibly passes through their target and out the other side.  To the eyes of the protestors the witch is walking through a hail of bullets that are all miraculously going astray.  To the eyes of the witch, every implant-assisted firing solution coming from the soldiers before him is being outlined in indigo and nudged to exactly where he wants it.

The witch has already crossed the security line and is on the steps of the building behind them by the time someone catches on and spins around to aim and fire manually.  His familiar rears up and hisses.  The shot goes wide as the entire security contingent seizes up, spasms, and falls to the ground.

The moment the witch crosses the threshold, every light in the building goes out, every door unlocks save for those to the roof and underground garage, and every camera becomes a witch’s eye.

Violet: A Dream About Purple

We are all too busy watching the game to notice anything wrong until a third team tries to take the field.  Their uniforms are purple and their hair appears to be dyed to match.  All of them wear the same vacant smile that crawled its way out of the uncanny valley and speak with offputting singsong voices. 

It is only then that we all look up and see the storm rolling in, stretching across the horizon with clouds of that same unnaturally vibrant violet.  Eerie music rides the wind ahead of the storm, heralding its imminent arrival. 

[howtobecomeadragon]

A few name ideas:

The Hawkin(g)s

Thinking Caps

The party (duh!)

7eleven

Will the Wizz

Pizza Surfers

Win before you deny

Friends don't lose

In the closet (at trivia night) /jk

ohhhhh my god these are gold, thank you so much for sending them 😭 I'm going to talk these over with my friends and see what sticks hehe

(also I'm laughing so hard at the last one 😂😂)

[maximuswolf]

G-Wizz The Slayer - Taking Over [Rap]

G-Wizz The Slayer - Taking Over [Rap] https://ift.tt/Xihnpdt Submitted April 21, 2024 at 10:46AM by gwizztheslayer_ https://ift.tt/d3obnvL via /r/Music

[worldofpotsandpans]

pulp please :))

hi!!

#1 sorted for es and wizz the best ever

#2 help the aged (i've been getting the version with ali g stuck in my head WAY too much)

#3 lipgloss

#4 bar italia

#5 do you remember the first time

[end-of-violence]

2023ラップ④

Kickkone / Stole My Drip

Luh Tyler x 2sdxrt3all / Mr. Skii

Luh Tyler feat. Skilla Baby / Ok Bet Pt. 2

Wizz Havinn ft. YTB Fatt / Real Drip

Mari Montana / From Da Block

SpliffJit / Polyster Flow

Kodak Black / Lemme See

2sdxrt3all / Stay Down

Lil Tony Official / Don't Know How To Feel

Lil Birdie / My Name Birdie

Icewear Vezzo / Motion

Tay B feat. BabyFace Ray / YSL WOODY

Veeze / Unreleased Leak

BIG QUIS FEAT. 76 BILLI & BIG TREEZE / TURN MY YOUNGINS UP

ShittyBoyz feat. Bfb Da Packman / Sh!tty Pack

BabyTron & StanWill / Yo Momma

Nuk & BabyTron / Gas Monkey

Joseph McFashion feat. Skilla Baby, BabyTron, Baby Money, Tay B / DBC

Skilla Baby / Bae

GRINDHARD E / VENTING

Babyfxce E / Chicken Little

Lakeyah / No Hesitation

Doddie Savage ft Elbno / FREE GLOCK

YoungBoy Never Broke Again / Testimony

K Carbon / Carbon Freestyle 2

Co Cash / Take 4

Key Glock / One Me

BlakeIANA feat. Sexyy Red / BING BONG [Remix]

Lil Gnar & G Herbo / Got Da Sack

FTP Feat. Chief Keef & Frais / Charlie

KP Skywalka / A Bipper's Blues

KP Skywalka / Bills 2 Pay

Moneyman Biggs x KP Skywalka / Motivate Tha Streets

Gizwop / War General

Lil Dude x Chargedup700 / Trap Gospel

Lo Plaga Ft Lil Dude / Dont Run

EBK Young Joc x EBK Trey B / Free Lil Maxx

EBK Young Joc / Streets Don't Love You

EBK Jaaybo / Had Enough

EBK Bckdoe / Jealousy

EBK Juvie Ju / Play Dummy

Millyz ft. OhGeesy / Clear Time

OhGeesy / Max Payne

FENIX FLEXIN / YA TU SABES

FENIX FLEXIN / NEW GLOCK

アルバム

Kickkone / Mr. Nasty Time

Kickkone / Dollaz Ova Deals

SCY Jimm / Highly Favored

Goldenboy Countup / Dawg Pound

Trigga500k / Trimmer Den Ever

Wizz Havinn / Super Wizz

Kodak Black / When I Was Dead

Fatpocket / Mastermind

Bossman Dlow / Too Slippery

VickTuff / Vick Jordan

Uptkidd / Ayee Kidd

KP GRETZKY / Black Box Records

CruddyMurda / #FreeTheCruddy

JG Wardy / From Behind the Wall

3coMMa$ / Belt 2 Ass

Lo Plaga / Trench Baby

Lil Dude / Sayso Cambridge

YoungBoy Never Broke Again / Decided 2

ShittyBoyz / Trifecta 3: The Finale

Babytron / Megatron 2

StanWill / Unstoppable

Lando Bando / Family Business

HBK & Payroll Giovannii / Kid & Pay

Big Quis / 7 Mile Legend

Allstar JR / THEY FOUND ME LIKE THIS

Bandgang Biggs & Bandgang Javar / Marktwain

Bandgang Javar / Scamman

R2x & Allstar JR / Shop Open - EP

Brooks / Sauce

Talibando / Pyrex Kids

WTM Miles / Cross State Lines

Wrld Tour Mafia / Mob Ties

Sw Cho / No Face Mo Page

Sker McGurt & SDP Trip / Homi Trippin

1800it / Blow the Budget

Babyfxce E / The X Tape

Nuk / Standing On Business (Deluxe)

Whitehouse Studio / West Wing Vol. 1

AK Bandamont / AK vs Everybody

GrindHard E & Tony Rose / Flint 2 Lansing

SME TaxFree / My Whole Life a Mob movie

Chicken P / Aint Lost Shit

Big Homie DreCash / Meet Me At the Slapp Houze

Lilrb / Himmy Neutron

Jay Fizzle / FUCK BEING FAMOUS

Lil Migo / Trap Tuition

2Sdxrt3all / FUCK SCHOOL

Tony archive / Real N***a Music

220LilBirdie / Shoulda Been Dead - EP

MIKE, Wiki & The Alchemist / Faith Is A Rock

Earl Sweatshirt & The Alchemist

/ VOIR DIRE

EBK Jaaybo / Sinners Prayer

EBK BCKDOE / Return of the DOE

Mac J / I Shoulda Been Dropped This

GS Ash & Verde Bavii / Pulp Viction

DMV 2023

[webslingingslasher]

i have a confession 🫣 (its not a vent or anything)

basically i went on wizz bc i was looking at clearing my storage so i went on to it and this guy messaged me talking abt tv girl (and i LOVE tv girl sm) so i messaged him back and we were talking and stuff for like the whole day and at one point he said ‘we must be soulmates and i was lit kicking my feet and everything 😔 but then i was wondering what he looked like so i went on his profile and he was rlly ugly (but his personality made up for it 😋) so i was a lil shocked but we kept talking and idk how but it ended up with us playing ROBLOX on call for an hour 😀 BUT IT GETS WROSE we were supposed to watch a movie together and i kinda just avoided it but i low-key wanted to watch the film 😞 but like i haven’t acc like thought abt dating someone for AGES and idk what i’m supposed to do to make it work 🤷‍♀️ ig so like what do i do bc he’s got such a good personality but i’ll get laughed at if i tell my friends we meet on WIZZ 😭😭

(sorry for no structure in my paragraph 🥰🥰)

i’m not even telling you wich emoji i am this is so embarrassing

DUHIDUBDDN

'HE WAS REALLY UGLY BUT HIS PERSONALITY MADE UP FOR IT' I AM S C R E A M I N G.

ROBLOX??? GIRL.

also idk what wizz is.

i still cant get over the 'he was really ugly' this is so funny oh my god please tell me what anon you are i feel like i know who but i don't.

[tianaero]

EASA based AOC preparation for new airlines

Introduction

EU Regulation 2018/1139 permits airways that function in extra than one EU member kingdom below a couple of air operator certificates (AOCs) to acquire a European Aviation Safety Agency (EASA) AOC (for in addition small print please see "New fundamental legislation will revise aviation landscape").

 EASA – headquartered in Cologne, Germany – is accountable for security oversight and certification for all planes with an EASA AOC. Thus, the EASA AOC allows airways that have planes registered in one-of-a-kind European states to record to a single equipped authority about security oversight and certification, which may additionally appreciably minimize costs.

 However, the aviation authorities of the nations in which the plane is registered proceed to workout regulatory manipulation over different things (eg, carriers' running licenses and route permits).

 EU Regulation 2018/1139 additionally allows renovation and education corporations that function in a couple of member states to request that EASA act as their ready authority, as an alternative to the countrywide authority in every person USA in which they have an enterprise entity.

First airways to attain EASA-based AOC

 On 1 August 2020 Wizz Air Hungary grew to become the first airline to acquire an EASA AOC. This potential that from this date, EASA acts as its equipped authority for security oversight alternatively than the Hungarian civil aviation authority.

 On thirteen October 2020 Luxaviation Group – a main enterprise plane and helicopter operator – took the first step toward acquiring EASA regulatory oversight for all of its European team airways via transferring its Portuguese entity to the security oversight of EASA, turning into the first operator of commercial enterprise plane to do so. Luxaviation Group manages 235 planes and 35 helicopters underneath 15 AOCs, 9 of which are supplied via European regulators. In addition to the AOC at the beginning held in Portugal, the team holds AOCs in Belgium, Germany, France, Luxembourg, and Switzerland. Luxaviation Group is in the procedure of acquiring the addition of its French-registered plane to its EASA-based AOC.

 Luxaviation additionally owns a G-registered plane below a UK AOC. However, Luxavation will now not be in a position to cross these planes to the EASA-based AOC due to the fact of Brexit.

Requirements

 Since the adoption of EU Regulation 2018/1139, an airline can have a running license from one member country and one or various AOCs from different member states or from EASA. Specifically, beneath Article 4(b) of EU Regulation 1008/2008 (as amended via EU Regulation 2018/1139), to attain a working license, an airline should hold:

 a legitimate AOC issued by Regulation (EU) 2018/1139 of the European Parliament and of the Council both by using a countrywide authority of a Member State, by way of numerous countrywide authorities of Member States appearing at the same time by Article sixty-two (5) of that Regulation or the Agency.

 Under Article sixty-five of EU Regulation 2018/1139, an airline can also request that EASA act as its equipped authority accountable for duties about certification, oversight, and enforcement by using way of derogation from Article 62(4). This request can be made the place a company holds an AOC or is eligible to observe for one, but has or intends to have an extensive share of services and personnel blanketed by way of that certificates positioned in one or greater different member states. Such a request might also additionally be made using two or extra companies that structure phase of a single commercial enterprise team place every organization's most important area of commercial enterprise is in a one-of-a-kind member nation and every both holds an AOC or is eligible to follow for one.

 If an airline intends to attain an EASA AOC, it needs to ship a request to EASA and the countrywide aviation authority (NAA) of the member kingdom in which it has its primary region of business. Without undue delay, EASA and the NAA ought to seek advice from every different and, if needed, are seeking supplementary views from the airline. As a section of these consultations, EASA and the NAA will reflect onconsideration on whether or not to make use of inspectors and different personnel reachable to the NAA in the case of a settlement on reallocation.

 If following these consultations, EASA or the NAA considers that the request would have a detrimental impact on its capability to efficiently behavior certification, oversight, and enforcement duties underneath EU Regulation 2018/1139 (and below the delegated and enforcing acts adopted on the foundation thereof), or that it would in any other case adversely have an effect on the wonderful functioning of the NAA, it needs to inform the airline and supply justification inside a hundred and eighty days from the date of receipt of the request. The NAA has to notify the EASA of its choice in this respect. In such cases, the request is viewed as dismissed.

 If the request is successful, EASA and the NAA will advocate exact preparations regarding the reallocation of accountability for the duties concerned. The airline will be consulted on the preparations earlier than they are finalized. The preparations must, at a minimum:

 clearly pick out the duties that are being reallocated;

include the legal, sensible, and administrative preparations quintessential for making sure an orderly switch of the duties involved and the high quality and uninterrupted continuation of the overall performance of the duties worried in compliance with EU Regulation 2018/1139 (and the delegated and enforcing acts adopted on the foundation thereof), as properly as a seamless continuation of the things to do undertaken via the airline; and

include provisions on the switch of applicable technical information and documentation.

EASA and the NAA have to make certain that the reallocation of the duty for duties is carried out by the arrangements. As long way as possible, EASA should use the inspectors and different personnel handy in the applicable member states. Once the reallocation is complete, EASA turns into the ready authority accountable for the duties protected through the request. The member states are relieved of the duty for these tasks.

 EASA has authority over the airline solely about protection oversight and the AOC. All different things concerning enforcement and the allocation of obligations furnished for in EU Regulation 2018/1139 (and the delegated and imposing acts adopted on the foundation thereof) stay with the NAA.

 On average, it takes between two and three years to reap an EASA AOC.

Advantages

 Acquiring an AOC from EASA will gain both business airways and enterprise aviation operators that have plans to increase into different countries. The EASA-based AOC is nicely acceptable to airways that have a couple of running bases in unique member states because EASA will make sure one general oversight is used consistently. Its excessive requirements are additionally known internationally, giving clients self-assurance in airways with an EASA AOC.

 EASA's unified oversight authority will additionally decrease regulatory expenses and extend safety. Consistency between member states reduces the probability of operational blunders brought about via conflicting operational parameters.

 Moreover, the EASA-based AOC creates a single administration device for operation and safety, which means that airways want now not deal with specific strategies with the aid of every member state. The time and effort required to elevate out audits and determine their outcomes have to consequently be extensively reduced.

 For enterprise aviation operators, there is the extra gain of EASA having a true appreciation of the specifics of enterprise aviation (rather than entirely business aviation), in contrast with some neighborhood authorities.

Source: https://tianaero.blogspot.com/2022/10/easa-based-aoc-preparation-for-new.html

[jirsen-blog]

Změna není vždy procházkou po růžovém koberci, šéf firmy nemusí být oblíben, důležitý je respekt - Víkendář

Změna není vždy procházkou po růžovém koberci, šéf firmy nemusí být oblíben, důležitý je respekt – Víkendář

„Nejudržitelnější“ evropská letecká společnost Wizz Air chce i přes náročné prostředí expandovat jak v Evropě, tak v Asii. Její ředitel a zakladatel Jozsef Varadi na Bloombergu hovořil o její strategii i vývoji v celém odvětví. Nejdříve ale vyprávěl o tom, že si nikdy nemyslel, že se stane podnikatelem. Začínal v P&G, následně pracoval v maďarské letecké společnosti Malév, a to v době, kdy šlo o…

[cyb3rc1own]

Oc’s I am working on: G + Wizz :3

[maximuswolf]

G-Wizz The Slayer - Taking Over [Rap]

G-Wizz The Slayer - Taking Over [Rap] https://ift.tt/YPqWIne Submitted April 17, 2024 at 03:23AM by gwizztheslayer_ https://ift.tt/n1zRPaL via /r/Music

[saltymcsaltything]

I can't believe it, but I actually feel like I've turned the page on a really rough period in my life

tl;dr warning: This is wayyyyyy too long; don't read it. Skip to the end where it says [ TL;DR ] for the mega happy ending, you'll skip all the background trauma, the drama, the highs and the lows, but also all the funny bits. Or at least all the bits that *I* think are funny. YMMV, buyer beware, don't take any wooden nickels, and don't wizz on the electric fence.

TW / CW: Mental Illness, Self harm, Medical Trauma, Death, Parental Death, Surgery, Hospitals, Doctors, Needles, Anesthesia, Panic Attacks, I apologize if I missed anything

Other Warnings (because that last list seemed grim) : Excessive length, sesquipdalean loquaciousness, spelling errors of very long words, egregious typos because of my motor disorder, poor attempts at humor, using humor at inappropriate times, laughing at my own jokes, explaining the jokes, *not* explaining the jokes, bad puns, snark, self deprecation, probably repeating myself, way too long, so many big words, flippancy in the face of serious situations, overreactions in the face of minor inconveniences or simple misunderstandings, too many warnings, attempted sarcasm, actual sarcasm, inappropriate use of bulleted lists, being overly dramatic, never knowing when to shut up, shit... I just typed shit instead of shut I better fix that...

So, yeah... I kind of snapped out of a (checks calendar) 3+ year extended burnout/depression/funk, and in a lot of ways, a much longer period of a slow but erratic decline in my overall mental health. Read on to discover my *shocking* secret to wellness and self-fulfillment! /s

Apparently, what I really needed to suddenly...

dramatically elevate my mood

dramatically reduce my anxiety

rekindle my emotional connection with my wife

rediscover what it is to feel gratitude

get a little boost to executive functioning

get a huge boost of natural dopamine (ahhh, that's the stuff!)

feel reinvigorated in my eternal quest to wrangle my various and sundry physical health issues

was...

[ DRAMATIC PAUSE ]

Surgery.

...wait, what?

Allow me to explain.

Of all of the things that have been weighing me down over the last several years, the one that first knocked me out of my groove was a sudden, sharp decline in my physical health. Around 12-13 years ago, at age 29, I was at the absolute peak of my health - stronger, better toned, and happier than I had ever been. I worked out 6-7 times per week and *loved* it because I was addicted to the endorphins and the dopamine, and, more importantly, it was something my wife and I were both into and enjoyed doing together.

TW / CW: Medical Trauma - so much ahead. /g

*For real* stop reading now if this is a trigger, it starts mild but just keeps escalating from here, and it keeps popping up over and over. Then again, Medical Trauma is one of my biggest triggers, so although I've processed what follows, I'm still maybe more sensitive to this than others. I dunno, it's so hard for me to gauge, it was so bad for me at the time, but my perspective is so shifted now.

TFW you feel like your TW / CW requires such a long explanation that it probably needs a tl;dr /hj

But at age 30 I just... crashed. HARD. I started getting horrible tension headaches that eventually turned into debilitating migraines after every workout, and I had to give it up. Unfortunately, it didn't stop there, and over the last ten years almost every aspect of my physical health has declined, except for the overall effectiveness of my immune system, which went way too far in the other direction and instead of getting sick a lot, I instead have horrible reactions to *gestures vaguely at the entire planet*. I had already had multiple episodes of anaphylaxis from my allergy shots, and dozens of severe reactions that felt almost (but not quite) as bad. I had an epipen for years and came close to using it a few times, but the less severe reactions never quite hit the same level of panic inducing tightness in the throat before they subsided. I really need to remember to get another one... That was all *before* I got even sicker and started to react to foods, flowers, the subtlest of fragrances and... nothing (or at least nothing I could identify.)

Over the course of about 3 years, I declined sharply. I developed joint pain with numbness and tingling, both of which spread throughout most of my body. These were joined by nerve and muscle pain that moved around and fluctuated in severity, from mildly annoying to spending 48 hours in bed on the verge of tears. I saw around a dozen different doctors and received increasingly frustrating non-diagnoses or misdiagnoses, and had a few nasty reactions to medications that "might help, let's try it and see" before I finally gave up and went solo with diet, exercise and supplements for the next 6 years, with some success but eventually a sharp decline in 2019 that has continued until now. The whole ordeal up to that point is an entire post of its own...

Along the way, *lots* of other things went wrong in my life, and I developed or finally acknowledged a grab-bag of mental health conditions - Anxiety (an old friend), Depression (previously only an occasional visitor, now a constant and far more intense interlocutor), and CPTSD (who the hell invited this guy?). My Autism, ADHD, Dyspraxia and Dyslexia (with some OCD traits thrown in for good measure) were diagnosed only recently, but that diagnostic process really only happened because the combined weight of everything else made every masking or coping technique evaporate in July 2020, and suddenly traits I had successfully used various cognitive measures to manage or outright suppress sprang out of their hiding places and landed directly on my face.

Literally. [ LENGTHY TANGENT INCOMING ]

TW / CW: Self harm

My absolute most aggravating trait/behavior as a kid was trichotillomania - hair pulling. I had long hair (a rat tail, cuz 80's) and in addition to twirling and chewing on it, when I was stressed I would pull strands of it out. It wasn't super noticeable - - my hair is pretty thick and it was only ever a few at a time, but I still hated it because I did it mostly unconsciously while twirling my hair and would only realize it after I noticed I had a few strands of hair in my hand. On rare occasions I would feel some itch or irritation on the back of my neck and pull some hairs consciously, somehow convinced it would help, but it was still more of an "oops, why did I do that" and I was able to stop after a few hairs. I hated it because it hurt, and eventually I stopped altogether.

Flash forward 30+ years, and my go to hair-based stim (my favorite kind) was now the almighty beard stroke. But under stress, this would lead to irritation, probably from increased sensory sensitivity (thanks, autism!) I would feel the irritation and compulsively yank out hairs where the irritation was, convinced there was an ingrown hair and fully conscious of what I was doing, but unable to stop because I could never seem to find the source of the irritation, if it even existed. Once I had pulled a small patch it became impossible to stop, because whenever I absent-mindedly reached up to stroke the beard, my fingers would find the patch, and start pulling. I was only dimly aware I was doing this, at least for the first few minutes. Once I did realize it became a battle with the compulsion, and I've been on the losing end more often than I care to admit. I have two patches that are just barely starting to regrow, and I still keep catching myself messing with them.

The worst part was when I pulled out a root that was really thick (extra keratin? oil buildup?) and it would actually make me bleed a little. Then I'd get scabs, then I'd pick at them, and pull more hair because of the added irritation. Lather, rinse, repeat. 🙄

I'm supposedly pretty smart, but struggling so hard to control behavior that I 100% knew was harmful made me feel... not smart. I've used harsher language than that to describe how my inability to use my "intellectual giftedness" to stop doing things like this makes me feel, but I recognize how ableist it is to insult someone's intelligence, even my own. But it does make me feel like a failure.

So, yeah, a whole mess of personal failure, right on my face... 😒 Nothing like a little self-harm/self-loathing combo move to signal the dawn of the "Obviously Autistic Salty" era. /s

[ END LENGTHY TANGENT ]

After all of this, even with a little forward progress in my mental and physical health (3 years of therapy and a new Doctor as of 2019, who has done 1000% more in 3 years than a whole platoon of Doctors did in the same span), I still felt like I was losing ground almost as quickly as I was gaining it, if not more so. My joints have been declining rapidly for the last 9 months, and my crazy bad allergies (actually allergies + MCAS) have reared up recently in new and entertaining ways (in other words, annoying and terrifying ways).

So, in the midst of all of this I found (mostly on my own) a problem with a clear, straightforward solution: I had a weird bulge in my lower abdomen. I had already figured out the right anatomical term for the area because of a major nerve that had been injured or severely inflamed by a previous procedure that went... poorly. Massive hematoma, much pain, attempted drainage with a huge needle, not nearly enough local anesthetic, almost passing out in a puddle of my own sweat and blood, nerve pain, months of pain when walking, and now here we are with a weird bulge in the same area. Fantastic. /s

But hey, I learned some anatomy so I could tell my Doctor which nerve was destroying my life (and thankfully she put me on a medication that actually worked for the nerve pain.) So when weird, squishy lump that sort of comes and goes and pops up suddenly or expands whenever I sneeze or cough shows up in that area, I simply searched for "anatomical-term + hernia" - I got a quick answer that matched what I was seeing, and the encouraging text in an actual medical source "can usually be self-diagnosed" - I find that text a little ironic given some of the fallacious arguments against self-diagnosis I have seen with respect to Autism in particular (that argument being self-diagnosis is never valid in *any* context and always requires a Doctor of some kind, whether PhD or MD).

Yay, I properly diagnosed something, all by myself! However, I did get my Doctor's assessment to *confirm* my diagnosis (she agreed, high five!) and then got an ultrasound to assess the extent.

It wasn't the worst hernia ever (ultrasound report said "small" even though I thought it looked pretty big, would hate to see a "large" hernia). My Doctor said I could wait and see how it progressed but that it wouldn't get better on its own without surgery and it might interfere with and get worse from certain activities (like lifting, exercising, etc). It was also intruding into an area where I had existing nerve pain - - although, again, thankfully well managed with medication.

I decided not to wait all that long, as I *really* need to exercise (correctly, this time) to rehab my flakey hip, which happens to be on the same side as all this other mess, because of course it is. My wife's theory - and she's probably right because she generally is - is that walking awkwardly (understatenent) for months due to the lingering complications from the previous procedure probably made my underlying joint problems much worse on that side. I *have* to correct my gait and strengthen the damaged muscles and whatnot - and no I can't be more specific than "whatnot" because hips are complicated and I'm no orthopedist, okay? Don't even get me started on shoulders... WTF is a rotator cuff?

I took my time finding a surgeon; I knew I really wanted one that was like "Hernias are my jam!" It's not a codified specialty of its own - it falls under general surgery - but it *is* a thing. There is a community of surgeons who dig hernias and after a great deal of research (after the fact), I can appreciate why, especially laparoscopic and robotic. There is a *lot* going on in that area (don't Google "triangle of doom" if you are the least bit squeamish, especially AMAB folks, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!) It's honestly really fascinating if you have the stomach (or other relevant organs, heh) for it. I figured a self-professed hernia aficionado would be the best way to avoid complications as long as my obstinate and sometimes outright malicious body was willing to cooperate.

So I found me a good hernia doc with a solid rep for explaining things clearly (because autistic) and for *compassion* (because *autistic and mentally ill!*) The above, it turns out, was actually an understatement - compared to other Doctors (and I even include my primary care, who is pretty awesome), she is hands down the nicest, kindest and most patient Doctor I have ever seen, and the most willing to explain things in excrutiating (heh) detail, including answering all sorts of super specific questions that a lot of Doctors might find annoying.

I was up front about my diagnoses, particularly the Autism, ADHD and mental health conditions. I didn't want any of that to come as a surprise in case I got, oh, I dunno, totally panic stricken about something. And of course I got totally panic stricken a few times leading up to the surgery, because panicking is what I do best. /hj

The initial consult went totally fine (yay!). She was, as advertised, super nice, explained everything clearly, was really pleasant to talk to (I didn't even mind the smalltalk), was gentle and not abupt with contact during the exam, and didn't seem phased by my being autistic. Some doctors or nurses have gotten wide-eyed and kind of sputtered for a second before regaining their composure, but she was unphased. It was kind of refreshing and I mentally binned her as "good people."

Unfortunately, it was a bit of a... struggle, to put it mildly, in getting scheduled, and a lot of increasingly - you probably already guessed it - *panic stricken* voice mails on the scheduler's answering machine. That was, it turns out, just bad luck - as if I typically have any other kind. When I finally broke down and called the front desk and (in a panic, naturally) explained what was going on, and that I'm autistic and struggle with uncertainty and *really* needed to get scheduled so I could plan everything else around the surgery, I found out the scheduler had an emergency and was out for several weeks and I didn't wind up on the list for her backup to follow up with due to some kind of clerical error. If I had called them two weeks earlier after I didn't get a callback within a few days of my first voicemail, I probably wouldn't have panicked so badly, or wound up waiting 3 weeks before getting on the schedule, but what would be the fun in that? /s

TW / CW: Panic attacks

Note: I am not using panic lightly. I had at least two borderline anxiety/panic attacks - I still don't totally understand the difference - if someone has a good, concise explanation I'd love to hear it. I had to take Xanax to keep them at bay, and that is something I do very rarely. My anxiety can be pretty bad - I'm sure there are people with worse presentations but this isn't just "heh, I got a little nervous" - this was tachycardia, heart pounding in my chest, pulse in my ears, whole head feeling inflated, labored breathing and "I better do something now while I can still think or I'm going to pass out. " If I didn't already know I am prone to anxiety and panic attacks, I'd have thought they were heart attacks.

TW / CW: Hospitals

The day of the surgery, I knew I had been more anxious than usual for the previous week. My baseline anxiety is pretty high, I'm just used to being constantly on or at least very close to the edge, so this was bordering more on barely keeping it together but somehow not quite falling apart. But when the nurse put the wristband on me in the waiting room, officially admitting me to the hospital, I did essentially fall apart - although more gently than I might otherwise have because I had wised up and took the Xanax that morning. But I still absolutely fell apart in an extremely quiet way. I suddenly felt my senses get cranked up - the lights (which had been not bad as far as lights in a public building go) and the sound of other patients talking (with what had been a perfectly normal volume level) became overpowering and I felt the awful sensation of being simultaneously punched in the head and kicked in the stomach, and felt the dizziness and nausea take over my body. It became all I could feel.

I knew I needed to soothe myself and I had come prepared. I tried to tell my wife I was going to listen to music with the noise canceling headphones on so she would be able to listen for my name to be called, but I couldn't push the words out, my mouth wouldn't move, it felt glued shut and desert dry, and my breathing was becoming rapid and shallow. I put the headphones on, turned on the music, and texted her to ask her to listen for my name because I was scared and overwhelmed and needed to deal with it, and I tried to do that with distraction, music, a stim toy, and the reassurance of my wife holding my hand.

TW / CW: Death, Parental Death, Medical Trauma

I realized later that I should have reflected on what might happen in that environment more than I had instead of trying to distract myself from the heightened anxiety of the previous week. Hospitals hold bad memories for me, memories of my parents sick and dying, in pain, struggling to breathe, hooked up to machines, my Dad with his legs swollen with fluid until it was seeping out of his skin as his heart began to fail, my mom's wheezing, rattling breath from asthma, COPD and pneumonia, and the knowledge (but not the visual image, since neither she nor my Dad had ever let me witness this) of her on a ventilator, multiple times across three separate hospitalizations, until she finally refused a tracheostomy in her last lucid moments. But those images, memories and emotions weren't something I had consciously acknowledged or prepared myself to address, and I had never processed those fears as they related to my own fear for my life. I started having flashbacks to those moments and the emotions I felt surrounding all of that trauma. My parents deaths had hit me hard - the catalyst leading to my emotional collapse and forced unmasking in July 2020 was my mom's death, much as my Dad's death way back in 2003 has been the catalyst for a persistent recurring depression every year leading up to the anniversary of his death, something my wife noticed long before I did (thanks, poor interoception/alexathymia!)

So that was what I was faced with in my own mind as I tried to help the Xanax do its job. I couldn't fathom going back into pre-op unable to speak, I wasn't sure if I could keep my phone with me to help communicate and I was too shakey to write legibly - I was dreading the prospect of trying to make myself understood without words - I am hyperverbal in the sense that words are really my only real means of communication - my nonverbal communication is, essentially, something I had to practice for public speaking in high school (one of the ten events in Academic Decathlon) and I have to force it. The more stressed I get, the flatter my affect and the more my nonverbal communication deteriorates - my learned facial expressions, vocal tones and gestures are the first things to go and the last things to return, replaced by anxious body stims like fist and forearm shaking (like nervous hand flapping, but that requires wrists that actually consistently bend and don't crack and pop painfully, so the arms move but the hands are stiff) or rocking and pacing.

But after about 45 minutes (not bad!) I got my words back and turned down the senses a little. We'd gotten there early and there were some delays, which turned out to be a blessing because I needed that extra time. I was still really anxious on the way back, but it was back to on edge and looking over instead of clinging to the edge by my fingers over the chasm of utter despair and panic.

It... got better. The numerous nurses in pre-op - I lost count and once they took my glasses to store with my clothes, I could barely see their faces to tell them apart, and I am garbage at remembering names - were all super nice, and gently humorous and cheerful, which helped. There was this vibe of "we know how to handle absolutely anything" mixed with "we recognize that patients can be scared shitless, even middle-aged man-shaped creatures, and that's okay and we'll do our best to make it as easy as possible. "

I don't know how much of it was them just being super nice in general, and how much was my conditions being clearly disclosed. I'm going to assume an anxious but otherwise pleasant patient is a lot better than an angry one, so they probably aren't inclined to be anything other than nice, but I'd also like to give them credit for managing to not come across as infantilizing even if I was acting a little like a nervous kid -I don't feel like I vibe "42 year old dude", especially when I'm surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I'm a weird mix of meek and chatty/jokey. My constellation of diagnoses were on my chart and I was upfront about it verbally (yay, words!) When they asked how I was feeling I told them I was super nervous but otherwise okay, and that I am autistic/ADHD, and have audio processing and working memory issues. I'd like to believe it made a difference.

Whatever the reason, nobody seemed phased (yay for not feeling othered!) - they asked what they could do to make me comfortable, gave me a cool heated blanket that I will struggle to describe - it was like an air pillow attached by a hose to a machine blowing warm air - so it was ventilated but still warm - and they each explained what was going to happen next. If I asked them to repeat something, they did so without hesitation, and the same if I asked for clarification, like this fun exchange between a very patient nurse handing me a marker after giving me the relatively simple instructions already, and a still super anxious and confused me:

Befuddled Me: What was this marker for again? I missed some words there... well, a lot of words actually...

Calm nurse: It's to mark the side with the hernia.

Confused Me: Oh, wait, *I'm* supposed to mark which side the hernia is on?

Patient nurse: Yes, that's right, make an X and then initial next to it.

Perplexed me: Oh, shouldn't you do it? You're way more qualified with anatomy and would know where the cuts go.

Bemused nurse: No, it's just to mark which side the hernia is on. The surgeon will know where to cut but the side is critical. We have you do it because you should know better than anybody where it is.

Forgetful Me: Oh yeah, lol - what do I put again?

Incredibly patient nurse: Draw an X in the general area and then initial it.

Me: [successfully draws on myself after figuring out how to write my initials upside down]

Whenever they needed to check the marking (*everybody* checked it), they waited patiently (heh) for me to figure out how to get the stupid hospital gown up high enough while laying on it, and then verified the mark without touching me (the less unnecessary touch, the better). When they had to touch me - like to put in the IV, which is typically not a huge deal for me since needles don't usually bug me - they still asked me first or told me what they needed and why, so I always had a heads up. The anesthesiologist - cool as hell, same first name, joked about it - asked if I'd ever had any issues with anesthesia (oh yeah, horrible dizzyness, confusion and nausea on waking) and he said they could give me something that should help. I kept getting calmer and calmer. By the time the surgeon came by for one final review of everything (and to initial the marks as well) I was... actually pretty good, all things considered. She then asked if she should check the other side with the scope - if there wasn't anything there it wouldn't take much longer and if there was anything to fix it would save having to go back in again later. I agreed (I mean, yeah, scope all the things, just in case). She was super nice. I was pretty much as calm as I was gonna get at that point.

Right before they wheeled me into the OR, they asked if I was ready and if I was feeling any better. I got a little anxious when zero hour came and said I was getting a little wound up again and the Xanax was not really working, but they gave me a minute to soothe and squeeze my wife's hand one last time, and then I was mostly okay again. I nervous shook my fists on the way back and that seemed to help. The OR was too cool looking for me to notice my anxiety as they helped me up onto the table and got me positioned. I asked if the anesthesia would be all in the IV or if there would be gas - the gas during my tonsillectomy smelled gross to me - but they said the only thing in the mask would be oxygen while I went under and that they'd handle everything else after I was out and I probably wouldn't even remember being in the OR at all (I did, because I am always at least a little bit unusual). They put the mask on my face, it did not smell nasty and seemed to be just oxygen and then...

*BOOM* I'm awake, and not like just a little awake, but fully awake and only mildly inebriated. Like, two or three glasses of wine, max. I hear the nurse saying something like "How are you feeling" as my eyes pop open, and I am talking immediately. I don't remember a lot of what I said. I do remember saying my throat was sore and the nurse telling me that was normal because of the breathing tube. Brief moment of "...wut" as I process that - because of the association of intubation with my mom on a ventilator that hits me a little, but instead of a sucker punch to the gut it's more like me smacking myself on the forehead. It's pretty standard, I knew that but conveniently forgot, and I'm actually glad nobody mentioned it to me when I was all wound up. I think I even said that to the nurse.

Apart from that, I don't remember much else of my silly but largely lucid babbling - I was aware I was speaking clearly and only occasionally slurring (motor issues make slurring hit really early in the process of inebriation), and I know I had jokes of the self-deprecating variety. I remember because I remember myself relaying some silliness I had done (maybe doing yoga with hypermobile hips, or running with shin splints since my joints were feeling crunchy, and reminding me of my various self-owns when exercising, as I sat up) but I remember saying "cuz I'm a dumbassss" with a lot of enthusiasm a couple times at least, and a "0/10, do not recommend, hard pass" at least once. I think I even caught a chuckle or even a laugh in response (post-op nurses were also super nice).

I was pretty lucid, all things considered, and within 20 minutes I was basically sober, and asking to see my wife. But I felt gooood, and not doped up (that is never good to me, hate that nasty floaty feeling because it's bad not really movement and confuses my brain and makes me dizzy). I wasn't dizzy at all - the anesthesiologist knocked that shit out of the park (yay anti-nausea drugs!) A solid 11/10, would huff that cocktail in the breathing tube again. I really wanted to tell my wife how good I felt waking up. I was super pumped. There was dopamine. I was in a *really* good mood.

Then some weird but amusing stuff happened right after my wife came in that made me go "Wait, is that not normal?" One of the two nurses noticed my heart rate was really high (for normies, not for my weird-ass self) - like 130. I didn't even notice because lol, 130? That's hardly high for me, especially when I have been anxious for weeks. They rushed off to check with the surgeon and anesthesiologist and came back saying "they said you should be okay, but we'll keep an eye on it." I said something to the effect of "I've seen it as high as 165 while laying down before so I don't even notice 130." I got a shocked look from both nurses and hastily added "that was a drug reaction, the one in my chart. This is just anxiety." Remember that "let's try this and see if it works" comment from wayyyyyy up there? Like, 8, or 9 years ago right before I gave up on doctors? Yeah...

I was next told I needed to drink plenty of fluids (not a problem at all, I was thirsty as hell because I wasn't allowed any liquids after midnight the night before, which had made the mandatory emptying of my bladder a few minutes before going to the OR a bit of a struggle) and was told it was because I had to pee before they could let me go (I had no idea why at the time although my wife said they had told me why. .. audio processing issues strike again.) I did as told and downed a couple of drinks - water, watered down apple juice, watered down cranberry juice, guess they were trying to push more water and less other stuff, or trying to go easy on my sore throat with anything that could be tart or acidic. Can't fault either logic.

The nurse said I could walk to go to the bathroom but that someone had to be with me at all times and it could either be her or my wife - she was nice enough and all but I don't particularly like anybody watching me go, let alone basically a stranger, and I opted for my wife. When I took my first step, with the nurse gently assisting me upright and out of the bed (I felt fine but I had fresh incisions) my ankle snapped loudly - but that is once again totally normal for me. I'd been on my back for several hours and they get like that - my feet overpronate even more without any weight on them than they do when I am standing, and things get out of alignment. The nurse was obviously shocked at the noise and was like "OMG, are you okay?" and I nonchalantly replied, with a little chuckle, "yeah my ankles do that all the time whenever I get out of bed." I got a concerned look in reply that said "whoa, that is *not* normal" and a hesitantly spoken "oh, okay..."

lol, my body is weird

With respect to operation "pee while under strict supervision", my wife was amused by the whole process and just kept asking "are you done yet?", which I wasn't until I gave up after about 5 minutes of standing there with my, well, ya know, in my hand, to literalize that figure of speech. After I failed attempt #1 (my bladder holds a lot), the nurse met me with a wheelchair, not necessary but kind of fun to get wheeled around. The other nurse asked if there was anything else I could drink that might produce the desired results. I perked up (heh) and said "Coffee? Coffee works, do you have any?" She said "Decaf, right?" and I said "regular if you have it, please, please, please" explaining that caffeine calms me down, half-jokingly, and also that it helps me go, totally seriously - it's true about both but with respect to the calming aspect I didn't expect them to believe it. That's a trade secret of the stimulant attenuated sub-class of ADHDers. To my surprise, she said "Sure, how many cream and sugar?" and I just about lost. My Damn. MIND. I had gone without coffee for nearly 18 hours and my soul was withering from lack of caffeine. The Adderall keeps me from getting super bad caffeine headaches, but I needs my coffee, and decaf doesn't hit right. Plus, I really was hoping it would drop my heart rate to ease some of their anxiety. Sounds weird, but I felt bad making these nice folks nervous.

I got my coffee, hot, sweet and creamy to tame the bitterness (not knowing for sure what kind of strange diesel is in a hospital staff coffee maker. I assumed it would be like the sludge my dad and oldest brother made and consumed gallons of working 18 hour days in the military.) It wasn't bad though, although the heat did bug my throat a little, but once I got a good sear in the back of the old esophagus it was golden. And my heart rate eventually dropped back near 100. I knew this because the annoying beeping of my monitor that was so out of sync with my neighbor's in the next bay finally evened out and the dissonant beat became much less irritating. I happily pointed that out the next time the nurse came to check in, only to watch it creep back up after a few seconds. Oh right, nice folks, these nurses, but social anxiety is still a thing and a hospital is still a weird and unfamiliar setting.

Finished off my coffee, another cup of water, and after maybe 10 minutes, I think I'm ready for round two. I get to walk back, supervised again, and within about a minute we're back in business. Weirdest feeling though, because I'm still numbed up from the local anesthesia and I don't feel the muscles like I normally do. Whatever, mission accomplished. I come out with two thumbs up and l'm good to go. I get wheeled out to the Uber, and we have a long ride home in the middle of a heavy rain. But I feel good.

Things are great the first few days. My abs are sore and I'm icing frequently, taking lots of nsaids and Tylenol, but it's really not that bad. I'm used to pain and this isn't all that much worse. I'm able to drive without too much discomfort the next day as a test run, so I head back to work two days post surgery. I'm basically fine.

But my body has a little curveball. After about 5 days, the glue on one of my incisions starts to break apart because of hairs regrowing through it. Once the seal is broken, all hell breaks loose. There is an angry red hive under the glue and it itches horribly. There isn't enough benadryl or hydrocortisone in the world to soothe it and I'm forced to manage it mostly with ice packs and gritted teeth. I'm getting distressed.

It gets worse. The following night I get overheated while sleeping (yay, poor temperature regulation!) and I have a nice bout of the night sweats. This is a problem. The glue on the other two incisions was still intact, but the sweat softens it and it starts to slough off. Worse, the first incision is now bare, and the hive is now covered in water blisters. I'm worried now, because the blisters are going to pop, and that means exposed broken skin, and that means potential infection. Shit.

I call the surgeon's office. I leave a (panicky) message, but it takes a whole to get a call back. Which I miss. Eventually get another call in the late evening (surgeon's hours are no joke) and explain everything as well as I can despite being pretty freaked out. She isn't phased - the reaction is rare but it happens, and it shouldn't affect healing. Get some recommendations on how to manage it, have a little chuckle when I explain that I have an inverted reaction to benadryl (I get wired instead of sleepy) and she responds with mild surprise. I thank her *profusely* and she seems surprised by my reaction but in kind of a genuinely touched sort of way. I guess people calling about minor complications usually don't get all effusive normally.

It's another two weeks before the follow up. I'm managing the hives but it's non-trivial. The blisters burst but heal up okay, and the hives directly around the incisions fade, but others pop up nearby, and eventually wander to anyplace I've ever had an outbreak of hives before. I am now reacting to yet another hypoallergenic deoderant. Yay, armpit hives! But I can deal - this isn't fucking with my healing, it's just annoying. I am able to draw "help" on my belly with my nail and it stays for 45 minutes. Yay, dermatographia!

The day of the follow up I am absolutely on edge. There's nothing wrong per se, but I can't really tell if the incisions are as healed as they should be. I have no frame of reference - never had internal sutures, and never had incisions this deep before. I'm paranoid and looking for anything that looks off. I just can't tell. I get to the office early and park, but then somehow get lost inside the building because of confusing signage. I'm not late because I had plenty of cushion, but I've been wandering around the building stressing out for a while and walking quickly with bad legs and a cane is draining. I finally get checked in and then sit in the waiting room, headphones and fidget cube ready to go so I can calm down for a bit.

But they are ahead of schedule - I get a song and a half in, maybe 5 minutes tops, and I'm still wound up. I go back for my vitals and they are wild: BP 165/95 and He 145. Pretty bad considering they never got that bad hiking 4000 feet up a mountain when I had full mobility. But I know it's anxiety/anticipation. I want thus to go well but I'm terrified something will be wrong. Even worse, after how well I've been treated, I don't want to become a problem patient, having to be seen over and over again for some nagging complications. I've been there, and the doctor in that case quickly got irritated by my distress and my stubborn inability to recover according to his timetable. I couldn't stand for that to happen again, to feel like a failure and a burden.

Fuck, I know that is such an irrational thought process, but try telling that to my emotions. I clearly have some kind of complex but I don't even know what you'd call it. Medical RSD?

But...

[ TL;DR ]

The surgeon comes in, we talk a little, I ask a bunch of questions I've written down, and then she checks the incisions. And they're *fine*. I'm not healing slowly, nothing is going wrong.

I'm *okay*

This is the part where I pause to explain that I have been emotionally numb for years, in the sense that is very hard to express emotions in the moment, and they tend to get stuck until they manifest in distressing ways. I haven't even really been able to feel or express positive emotions even when I knew I was above baseline. I've struggled with an inability to cry in grief or scream in anger or laugh in joy for anything real for myself. Fiction or other's experiences allow me a taste of relief because somehow it's okay to feel for others. Just not myself

But I got swamped by a wave of relief and joy. I could feel it physically like a cool splash on a body that was sizzling with anxiety. I really felt that wash of coolness.

And then I burst into tears. In the surgeon's office. I'm bawling and stuttering out thank yous. The surgeon is taken aback but only briefly. I tell her how much her kindness has meant to me, and how much of a 180 it was from my previous experience. But I can only get so many words out before I can't talk and have to take a deep breath and try to reset to default - nervous but jokey. I'm too overwhelmed to try to articulate anything other than a quip about it being a shame she doesn't fix hips too.

I am fucking stunned. I get to the car and just sit there for minutes trying to process what happened. I head back to work because I finished earlier than I expected, and I sit at my desk, open my email and just... light up. My brain is screaming "LET'S GO!!!" and I feel the dopamine hit. HARD. Harder than my first dose of Adderall. It's almost too much. My vision sharpens and everything looks outlined. I'm reading text... and blazing through it while understanding it. My eyes are tracking, I'm not skipping words or slipping to the next line mid sentence. It's *flowing* like it hasn't in months.

I get shit done. I start tasks, finish tasks, switch tasks. Tasks are happening, and it's just making the dopamine hit harder. I'm buzzing. I get home, I tell my wife that I'm okay, and I'm bawling all over again. I'm a mess but I'm a happy mess. Everything feels different. Every task ahead of me seems doable instead of insurmountable. I feel good even with my wonky hip and my bad knees and my *gestures vaguely at everything except the hernias*. Oh, yeah, I said hernias plural, she found a second one that wasn't visible (an occult hernia - spooky!). That second hernia was pressing on another nerve damaged in that other procedure. Some very distressing chronic pain that I thought was permanent is fading - the worst of it is gone. *Pain is gone* is not something I often get to say. Holy fuck, this fixed things beyond what it was supposed to. How fucking awesome is that?

And my mood is *still* fantastic. It take just a little reflection to bring back the good vibes when something negative happens. It's like Kevlar for negative emotions - it still hits and it still hurts, but it doesn't tear a hole in me. The pain fades. I can feel angry and not spiral into rage. I can feel sad and spiral into despair. I can feel anxious and not spiral into panic. I'm... resilient. Not in the "you've survived something horrible and you're scarred by it, but you're still hanging on despite the trauma" but in the "you haven't sustained trauma from the horrible thing, you've walked through the fire and felt the heat, but not been burned"

So now what? I keep working on it health. I keep this win in my mind, in my box of #things to look at when I'm sad, and I remember what it felt like to turn a corner, and what it felt like to have so many people show me genuine care through a difficult experience that had me on the edge of panic.

I'm on mobile and can't put in a cut, but if anyone makes it through this whole-ass dissertation, I hope you enjoyed the ride, and I hope it gives you a little lift. If it didn't, I will offer to send you gushy messages of thanks for what a wonderfully caring and kind person you are to make up for it. I'm getting really good at that.

[end-of-violence]

2023ラップ①

AO Bubb x Killswitch / Thuggin

EBK Bckdoe / Trish

EBK Bckdoe / Sanford & Son

EBK Bckdoe / Mani 128

EBK Bckdoe / Freddy Vs. Jason

EBK Young Joc ft. Big Sad 1900 / Prada Steppin

Westside Tut x EBK Young Joc / Thang On Me

EBK Jaaybo / MR EBK

Verde Babii / Stealthy

Yvnng Ecko x SSRICHH33 x Lil Hungry / Ping Bingin

ALLBLACK & Curren$y / Pelicans

Key Glock / Spike Lee

Gloss Up feat. GloRilla / BestFrenn

GloRilla / Internet Trolls

Kenny Muney / Muney Prayer

Cruddy Murda / Loaded

Cheecho / Hardbody

KP SKYWALKA FT. LIL DUDE / LOVE OF MONEY

No3ree / Drag my Nuts

Allstar JR x Babyface Ray / Empty

Veeze / GOMD

Payroll Giovanni / Balcony Thoughts

Baby Money / TRAUMA KIT

Talibando Ft Babyface Ray / Swim Team

BabyFxce E / Master P

BabyTron Ft. Drego & Beno, Babyfxce E, RMC Mike, ShittyBoyz, Prince Jefe, & J1Hunnit / Waffle House

Ot7QUANNY FT. LEAF WARD & NR BOOR / Run The Hood

Ot7QUANNY FT. GT / NEW MONEY

Skrilla Prince Dre Ybcdul / Diamonds Are Forever

Trippie Redd Feat. Chief Keef / ATLANTIS

Young Nudy feat. 21 Savage / Peaches & Eggplants

Gucci Mane, Kodak Black / King Snipe

DTE Lil DayDay x Luh Tyler x Luh JB / YiM Cypher

Luh Tyler feat. Trapland Pat / Can't Move Wrong

Luh Tyler / Dennis

Luh Tyler / You Was Laughing

Kickkone / Smoove Individual 2

Kickkone / Fakts

Kickkone / Ray Lewis

Mari Montana & Kickkone / No Coppin'

C Stunna Ft. Wizz Havinn & Loe Shimmy - Motion (Remix)

Dandre ft. V8 Marlo / In Dat Mood

Lil Wet / Haitian Tea

Trigga500k / Trimmer

Trigga500k / Ether

TrapSosa / Tailored Drip

Krept & Konan ft. Abra Cadabra / Dat Way

アルバム

EBK BCKDOE / Trife God 2

EBK BCKDOE / Rookie of the Year

EBK Young Joc / Hotboiiz:4L

EBK Juvie Ju / Crooked Lifestyle

Wop Dell / Big Wop 3

Miiir & B'lon / 4 The Streets

RSBlulrick / Broken Promises

RSB Poopie / G-Code

BOE Mumu / Before the Fame

Yvnng Echo / Worth the Wait

Mac J / BlackTop Baby

Kai Bandz / The Bandman

C.M.L. & Band$ / Politickin N Mobbin

ALLBLACK / Born To Score

Shootergang Kony / Church Ain't Safe

Yhung T.O. & Cardo / Underground Legend - EP

DaBoii / 2k23

Bandgang Lonnie Bands / Can't Ban the Bandma 2

Payroll Giovanni / Ghost Mode

WB Nutty / Im Not an Artist

Los / 1000 Day Grind

Shaudy Kash & Top$ide / On the Yeah Side 2

Nuk / I Hope Y'all Ready

Teejayx6 / Fraudulent

BabyTron / Bin Reaper 3: New Testament

BabyTron / Out On Bond - EP

GrindHard E / Planet Enrgy

Talibando / WAR LORD

DaeMoney / Slae Season 3

WTM Solid / Matter of Time

Ghetto Baby Boom / Ghetto Mode, Vol.2

YBN LIL BRO / Slime City

YN Jay / Coming 2 Coochie Land

Gloss Up / Before The Gloss Up

Key Glock / Glockoma 2

Action Pack / I'm Action

TweakMode / Saved by the Scale

Young Nudy / Gumbo

Real Boston Richey / Public Housing, Pt 2

Kickkone / Dirty Laundry 2

Mari Montana / Outstanding Member

Fadess / Made For This

Goldenboy Countup / Love Golden 2

Luh Tyler / My Vision

Trapsosa / Last One Left

SCY Jimm / Trench Baby

Trigga500k / Trimmer

KP SKYWALKA / Grandma House (DELUXE)

Migo Lee / Wopskino Bin Ladin

youngfootsoldier / Signed 2 My Mask the Ep

Paco Panama / The Wire Vol. 1

NorCal 2023