#Get gross girls is such an iconic quote

[edgy-as-a-satsuma]

Mariah as Putrice!

Lauren and Mariah are gonna be so good!

[sneef-to-a-snorf-fight]

Totally Spies! S1 E5-10 Tier

Alright so. Yeah the show is not getting better. I am optimistic that it will get better in later seasons. Ok let's go this is gonna be a long one. Here's the current tier.

As a lil reminder, I'm watching this with my girlfriend Ivy (@twigsprout) to definitively find the worst Totally Spies! episode. This show is notorious for showing teenage girls in very horny situations.

I'm not optimistic that the top tier will ever have anything in it. "Abductions" almost made it but the last 5 minutes took a big turn for the worse.

I'll also note that this show is skewing my sense of normal. I almost put the episode "Spy Gladiators" into the "ok sure fine i guess" category. Luckily Ivy reminded me that a middle aged man with a jock fetish putting a mind control collar on a teenage girl to force her to be a gladiator is not in fact normal.

Anyway here's some notes.

The Eraser: blobs attach to people's faces and erase their memories, sam got gooped and brain erased*, very horny wording for the hatching of the goop??, characters shackled and collared again**

The Fugitives: guy makes clones of the main 3 and does crimes, the main 3's guardian finds out and says he's going to "reprogram" them with his lobotomy machine***, favorite quote "i'm so sorry i tried to lobotomize you"

Abductions: drowning/breathplay, trapped in a glass thingy, brain sucking, gross kid brain getting so big it almost explodes???????????

Model Citizens: some weirdos kidnap girls and forcibly swap their body parts with their own models' to make "perfect beauties," some mild inflation? (does it count if they just wear suits that inflate? i doubt it but i wrote it anyway), Clover gets big legs and sits on villain to stop him from getting away

Spy Gladiators: see the collar thing i wrote above, also the guy keeps prisoners and keeps them shackled to workout equipment in his dungeon to "keep his island running" but honestly i think he's just harvesting and drinking their sweat or something

*So at this point, Ivy and I decided to start a tally for how many times the theme of an episode involves brainwiping/hypnotizing/etc as well as a separate tally for how many times one of the main 3 gets brainwiped/hypnotized/etc. SO!

Current Brain-fuck count: 6 (out of 10 episodes!)

Sam: 3

Clover: 1

Alex: 0

**We also decided to keep a tally for how many times characters are collared. Cuz it just keeps happening.

Collar Count: 3

***Ok so. When we got to this part I started theorizing. Jerry doesn't hesitate to try to reprogram the girls as soon as he thinks they're acting up. That got me thinking: what if he already programmed them before? What if that's the reason the characters are so one-dimensional? I mean. I know it's just because the writers just didn't know how to give the girls any personality beyond "girl" but. In the canon of the show, it's kinda make sense if he gave the girls (who I'm pretty sure are orphans that WOOHP adopted and forced to work as spies for free?) just enough skills to be spies and high school students but no brain power beyond that so they can't rise up against him.

Actually. This is just the bimbo show. Whatever.

Anyway, once again, this show could be so iconic if it wasn't So Bad. Like. The aesthetic of everything. I mean. There's a moment in episode 6 where they're about to do this really important mission but then Clover is like "WAIT!!! I forgot my new sunglasses at my house and I'm not going anywhere without them" and so WOOHP send the girls in a helicopter to get her sunglasses before going to save the world from bimbo slimes or whatever. like. That's iconic!!!

To paraphrase Ivy, "It's such a cool idea to just do James Bond but with 3 high school girls from y2k ass Beverly Hills." It could be so good but it's just. not. I really hope the new stuff is better. I have a lot of hope for the new season coming out.

Also, on the whole character thing. Episode 10 feels like they might be starting to give Alex her own character maybe finally? Only barely tho idk.

Also, for a second I thought 9/11 didn't happen in this universe cuz I saw the twin towers but. They made that episode before 9/11 even though it came out a less than a month after 9/11 in France (over a year later in the US). And also the girls crash a plane into a building.

Anyway 16 episodes left in Season 1!

[larascorneroftheworld]

OMG BYLER IS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS IM LOSING MY SHIT-

in the fight between lucas and mike, lucas says (AND I QUOTE;) “you’re blind! blind because you like that a girl is not grossed out by you!” NOT “you’re blind because you [LIKE A GIRL]”

THIS IS COMPHET AT ITS FINEST?!?!

even lucas (icon) can see it so clearly.

mike does not like el, he likes to be liked, to be wanted, needed. but there are no actual feeling for her, just the attention he gets is rewarding in his eyes and he interprets it as love or attraction (like how he’s been taught by the heteronormative society in the 80’s).

[ofpd]

i decided to rewatch emo the musical and compile a list of my favorite quotes in it (these quotes include such amazing qualities as cringyness, iconicness, idiocy, etc)

will you be giving me your lunch money by cash or card

you have real, actual emos here?

it will occur to you that the deformity that jesus gave to you is your security against sex out of wedlock

i just read the bit where cain stabs abel and i'm about to get to the part where god drowns all the sodomites

i'm a science-addicted, sex-educated atheist

theyre only emos

sport is a tool for dictators and fascists

this song doesn't have a name, cause i'm not into labels

you're gonna impregnate everyone, men and women too

i once saw him kiss a man for 7 hours straight, while crying

okay wise guy, do you have any idea how much interest you're accruing? you're about to meet inflation head-on.

do you tongue kiss?

you've got wonderful legs, they're just what legs should be

when we talk it's completely understandable, when we touch it's completely consensual, nothing about our relationship is illegal

your manic depression could just be a bad day

if you're not feeling 100%, you should probably be on medication

back out now, or i'll go antichrist on you

stop bouncing that ball or i'll kill you and your parents

it would be suicide, and not the good kind

i didn't realize jesus had such a big peni—

i use the net for wikipedia and watch porn for the acting parts

how could i inflict you with my burgeoning perversion without putting my body through some physical exertion; you're safe with me

getting laid is probably too mainstream anyway

"do you tongue kiss?" "i'm 12"

no drugs, and no orgies before we play

[a bouncer asking people to see their wrists before entering a party says] scars?

hey, you're suicide guy!

do you think there might have been a chance [jesus] liked my chemical romance

he felt the pain of all mankind but emos do that all the time, was jesus an emo

no girl would've dated him because who wants their boyfriend crucified at the formal

"you have sinful thoughts too. who made jamali pregnant, isaac." "it was immaculate!"

we don't vote for conformists

i'd happily be castrated like alan turing thought he oughta

we're having a happy new financial year party

is it cool or gross to have sex with a 40-year-old

sally i'm sorry i'll stop sleeping with your friends if you forgive me

"isaac tested the chapel for fingerprints and dna" "he doesn't even believe in dna!!"

i felt depressed, and it felt amazing

[thelovelybitten]

vera's first watch of south park - season one

okay since stendy has taken over my life, I wanted to watch all 26 seasons of south park just for fun (and get more depth on the characters), so here's a little blurb on how season 1 went.

EPISODE 1:

oh my god the first episode is the fucking anal probe... the one clip I saw on tiktok disturbed me a little but that's the vulgarity of it all

KICK THE BABY

YOU'RE TELLING ME SINCE THE FIRST EPISODE STENDY WAS MENTIONED ?!?!?@?#??#! THE LITTLE LOVEY DOVEY STAN IS IN THE FIRST EPISODE ?????? DECEASED

STAN THROWS UP WHEN HE SEES HER WHAT this is new knowledge to ME it's so gross yet so cute LMAO

wendy giving him the note and the meeting at the pond... KYLE WAS IN HIS ANGRY ARC

my trio doing the damn thing stendyle FOREVER !!

"when do I get to make sweet love?" STAN RELAXXXX

kyle popping the FUCK OFF at the aliens as he should

I'm crying at stendy he vomits on her and her immediate reaction is "LOOK, A FRENCH FRY?" please they are so CUTE

EPISODE 2:

OH WAIT I KNOW THIS ONE IT'S THE EPISODE WHERE WENDY AND CARTMAN FIGHT FOR THE WINNER OF THE PAPER WRITING CONTEST

it's the way I know exactly what kenny is talking abt PLEASE

"hey, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish" SO THEY'RE DATING NOW??????? stendy has been canon since the beginning?!@?!?#?$ HOW ARE THEY NOT POPULAR IN THE FANDOM

STAN DEFENDING WENDY <3

CLYDE AND BEBE OMG THEY ARE SO CUTE GSJSKBKG

uhm... i don't know how to feel abt this racist stuff, wouldn't fly in this modern-day timeline it's uncomfortable to watch tbh. Will have to get used to it

miss wendy GIRL DON'T GET CAUGHT

omg the TikTok MEME THAT MADE ME FALL IN LOVE W THEM GDNGKJNSNGJKGNKNK

the quote for my otp tag: I can't do it alone

stan in his simp era as HE SHOULD

stan and wendy in their duo arc they slayed

DOES KENNY GET KILLED IN EVERY EPISODE ???? that makes me sad

EPISODE 3:

it's stan being soft with animals for me <3 he's so SWEET my fave boy

kenny chugging gasoline???? my unhinged son

kenny popping AWF killing things

stan wanting to be a man like kenny BABY BOY YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE SBGKJBS

so they do kill kenny in every episode.... weird dunk

chef making me CRINGE PLEASE

stan killing Scuzzlebutt iconic

EPISODE 4:

SPARKY is STAN'S DOG SJNKGSKNSK SO CUTE

wait is this is where the hc of stan being the high school quarterback comes from ??? so iconic

omg INFLATE STAN'S EGO PLEASE very king shit of him

as a bisexual... this is a little much :l

sensitive but i'll get over it

kyle filling for stan so style of them

why are Y'ALL KILLIN KENNY I hate it here

stan slowly becoming an ALLY

stan carrying the show as he fucking should that's my mf son right there

EPISODE 5:

not STAN GETTING BEAT BY SHELLY??? Is that her name??? Idk his big sister i don’t want a HAIR on his head touched

Kyle baby boy i love you but WHERE THE FUCK DID U GET AN ELEPHANT

Oh so Kyle’s the smartest kid at school ugh i love my brainiac son u EAT THESE BITCHES upppppp

Mr. Garrison common L

Shelly is AWFUL OMG

I love how stan gets launched and Kyle is just. Hey bestie we going to do this shit u better come

Cartman & fluffy is very wholesome (very rare that i like cartman, don’t count on it)

DON’T POKE STAN

Oh y’all be cloning stan ihy

Oh my god u can’t be serious is this actually gonna happen SKBSBGJS

Elton John ate

Mutant!Stan is a freak of nature :/

WHEN KENNY WENT IN THE MICROWAVE I WHEEZED HE’S SO CUTE LMAOO

Shelly redeemed herself for half a second and now she’s back on my hit list of “characters i cannot trust with Stanley Marsh”

EPISODE 6:

Oh lord we in for a wild one aren’t we

Not Stan’s grandpa wanting to unalive :(

KYLE AND IKE MY FAVOURITE SILBLINGSSSSS they’re so cute watching tv

I'm w kyle's mom on this, TF is terrance & Philip it's LAME

kyle's mom snitching kinda iconic tho

KENNY NOT THE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA pls

EYE. STAN pls not this question

KYLE DON'T FEED THIS IDEA NGJKSNGSLGD

EPISODE 7:

kenny in his zombie era

OMG STAN AS RAGGEDY ANNE OMG

omg wendy as chewbacca

not wendy roasting stan pls they're chaotic

common cartman L with his costume

kenny falling to pieces fdsjngnsdkgjks

kyle being the solar system HOW WHOLESOME

wenSLAY AS THE WINNER AS SHE SHOULD

NOT THEM ALL SHAMING STAN

stendy's first fight :((((((((

CLYDE DON'T EAT BEBE

stan eating cartman up that's my fucking son

wendy being a good samaritan

shit stendy fight part two

NO WENDY GETS ZOMBIEFIED FJNDKJNFSDKNSK

is this a reference to the triple K ??? wtf this is fucked

chef W this ep pls kick cartman's ass

candy >>>>> everything else

period Michael Jackson ref

NO DON'T KILL WENDY STANLEY FUCKING DON'T YOU LOVE HER

"don't worry babe, everything is gonna be okay" KILL ME SJKBGJBKGSBK THEY ARE SO CUTE

stan this does not excuse u for wanting wendy to die tho... not proud of u

EPISODE 8:

omg I saw a bit of this on tiktok too

tHE AMOUNT OF CHESSY POOFS RELAX

kyle smelling kenny jbwejgbjkgbjkg please

wendy <3 my angel baby cake eat cartman up

the fuck did I just watch... whack ass turkeys

starvin' marvin ??? tf

'bad starvin' marvin THAT'S A BAD STARVIN' MARVIN'

OMG NOT THEM GRABBING CARTMAN DSBSDGBKJGDSBDSBK so slay marvin so slay

cartman finding the motherload of snacks alr I'll give the W

kenny doesn't deserve this shit save my mf son

EPISODE 9:

omg is this a CHRISTMAS SPECIAL?!?!??!?! OMG SO CUTE

stan IN HIS NARRATOR ARC

WENDY AS VIRGIN MARY BNJFJKFDNJDNJ I'M DEAD

KYLE DOING THE DAMN THING

KENNY THE ANGEL <33333333

omg stan and wendy catching snowflakes on their tongues :')))))) that's wholesome as FUCK

kyle's musical number !!!!!! where's the album sir ??? the vocals are FIRE

NO NOT IKE ON FIRE

MR.HANKEY IS A PIECE OF LITERAL SHIT....

CARTMAN FINDING A VIBRATOR... PLS

this is where ‘Kyle’s mom’s a bitch’ originates ?? not gonna lie cartman ate that tbh

MR MACKEY <3 m’kay man reigns supreme

not y’all setting up Kenny :/

oh he’s okay thank god

KENNY SPINNING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PLAY DFNJNJDVFKVDJFKNKNJ HE IS BABIE

stendy in three frames it must be so

something…feels…unfinished…. Y’all rly gonna kill my son before the end of the episode FUCK YALL FR

I manifested Kenny not dying period

EPISODE 10:

it’s cartman’s bday ok this is gonna be FUCKING WHACK

Damien a spawn of Satan fr

Kenny the platypus ! <3

not satan being real :/

Mr mackey slayage AGAIN <3

common cartman L DON'T TOUCH MY SON KYLE JSJKGKJBKJSG

EPISODE 11:

god my throat hurts so bad KMS

STENDY INTERACTION I'M WINNING

wendy being wholesome and cartman being an ass... weird dunk

stan at least being supportive

OMG WAIT THIS IS THE EP WHERE WENDY IS IN HER PSYCHO ERA BC STAN IS A SIMP :'(

omg the main four are in their simp era

NOT STAN PUKING THE BETRAYAL

wendy :((((( stan is DELUSIONAL DW DW

stanley u SHUT UR DAMN MOUTH

wendy being sad is NOT MY FAVE

I love wendy in her jealous era flame this bitch

NO NOT THE STENDY FLASHBACKS GDJBBJKHDGBJKGDBJKDHBJK KMS

wait they are all of him vomiting LMAOOOOO

Wendy crying is my weakness

GOD DAMN IT i knew SHE WOULD ASK STAN TO DO SOMETHING FOR HER FUCKING BITCHHHH

“DON’T FUCK WITH ME.” WENSLAY AS USUAL. When is she not an icon

Gives miss Ellen a dead animal i love her so much

Jesus Stan being an idiot >:( i love my son but he’s stupid

OMG WENDY IS SO TRUE FOR HER

WAIT MISS ELLEN IS A LESBIAN OKAY A SLAY

Stan…. Ur not a lesbian pls

The BIRKENSTOCKS NDFSNKSFK

Mr.garrison got RIZZ

Bebe & Wendy my fave duo they besties for the resties

WENDY IN HER SANDRA DEE ARC I REPEAT WENDY IS IN HER SANDRA DEE ARC

I am obsessed w this omg

NO NOT MISS ELLEN COMING IN THE SAME OUTFIT this is CRUEL

Bro miss Ellen on my hit list she rizzing up my son and ruining my ship FUCK AWF

Um ???? WE JUST NOT GONNA TALK ABT WENDY’S GMA UNALIVING???? SO TRAUMATIZING FOR LIL WENDY

NO WENDY DON’T GIVE UPPPP

Wendy STOP IT I’M SOBBING i love how selfless she is but it’s also a con

???? NOT THE IRAQI AFTER MISS ELLEN

Stendy reigns again period

WENDY AND BEBE SLAYED

Aw my psycho children i love them <3

EPISODE 12:

KYLE GETTING THE CLOUT as he should <3

Barbra get ur hands off Kyle and don’t yell at stan >:(

Not cartman breaking into kyle’s house ur weird

Lol them just hanging there… weird

The Japanese i love it

Barbra destroying the town ew

Literally wtf is this ep

I’m very lost

Ike AT THE END FDDJJCNDJDJ

EPISODE 13?:

CARTMAN’S TEA PARTY ok this is wholesome

Cartman just wants to know who his dad is aw :’( big relate

My fave kids putting their video of cartman on AFV sjdsncdj

GO KART KENNY :’(

WAIT ONLY THIRTEEN EPS? WERK IG

I made it boys woo thanks for reading this far have a cookie

[bookre]

Editor Recommended Top LGBTQIA+ Books

Pride Month is here and one way to celebrate is to read more books portraying queer characters or written by queer authors.

Below is the list of Editor Recommended Top LGBTQIA+ Books published by Harper Collins.

1. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smog less Detroit day of January 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of l974.’ So begins the breathtaking story of Calliope Stephanides and three generations of the Greek-American Stephanides family who travel from a tiny village overlooking Mount Olympus in Asia Minor to Prohibition-era Detroit, witnessing its glory days as the Motor City, and the race riots of 1967, before they move out to the tree-lined streets of suburban Grosse Pointe, Michigan. To understand why Calliope is not like other girls, she has to uncover a guilty family secret and an astonishing genetic history that turns Callie into Cal, one of the most audacious and wondrous narrators in contemporary fiction. Lyrical and thrilling, Middlesex is an exhilarating reinvention of the American epic.

Buy Now!

2. The Book of Queer Prophets by Ruth Hunt

The Book of Queer Prophets contains modern-day epistles from some of our most important thinkers, writers and activists: Jeanette Winterson tackles religious dogma, Amrou Al-Kadhi writes about trying to make it as a Muslim drag queen in London, John Bell writes about his decision to come out later in life, Tamsin Omond remembers getting married in the middle of a protest and Kate Bottley explains her journey to becoming an LGBT ally.

Buy Now!

3. Queer Power by Dom&Ink

Celebrate some of the modern-day trailblazers, champions and icons who have shaped, or are shaping our world, from well-known public figures and allies to others you will wish you had heard of earlier.

Covering topics including coming out, gender, mental health and activism, this book is packed full of empowering quotes, inspiring life lessons and helpful advice that will encourage you to embrace your story and find your power.

Buy Now!

4. Get Out by Aniruddha Mahale

In Get Out, Aniruddha Mahale mines his own romantic (mis)adventures to put together the ultimate guide to dating for gay men in India.

Full of tips, advice and lessons learned – the stylist who taught him how to dress, the teacher who taught him how to behave, the socialite who taught him how to charm – Mahale remembers the good dates and the bad, and offers real, practical advice to men dealing with coming out and going out in India.

Buy Now!

5. The Book of Pride by Mason Funk

The Book of Pride captures the true story of the gay rights movement from the 1960s to the present, through richly detailed, stunning interviews with the leaders, activists, and ordinary people who witnessed the movement and made it happen. These individuals fought battles both personal and political, often without the support of family or friends, frequently under the threat of violence and persecution. By shining a light on these remarkable stories of bravery and determination, The Book of Pride not only honors an important chapter in American history, but also empowers young people today (both LGBTQ and straight) to discover their own courage in order to create positive change.

Buy Now!

[iwaasfairy]

hi fairy!!

i did some reverse image searching and found out the girl in your icon is from a hentai manga called eisei no kaori (for english i see it called everlasting fragrance/perfume of love!) i read it so i could provide a plot for u :3

a warning!! it’s v dark. the tags on it from one site are: ahegao, ball sucking, blood, blowjob, grandmother, l0li, r@pe, solo female, incest, age progression, old man, sh0ta, mosaic censorship (lol)

the tagline is: what does eternity bring—infinite bliss, or unending suffering? a sorrowful tale of a girl swept along by the currents of time

it’s about a boy, ji zhi, falling ill as a child with an incurable disease and being miraculously cured by something his grandfather, zhong chang, gets from his secret room on the estate, something he hides, claiming it to be a family secret. ji zhi catches a glimpse of it and discovers it to be human hair. he sneaks into the area and finds a large cell imprisoning something. upon further inspection, he finds the girl in your icon (idk that she has a proper name?), ageless and youthful because she drank the elixir of immortality. she tells him to call her grandmother, so he refers to her as such

he begins spending more time with her behind his grandfather’s back, and one day, after zhong chang begins falling ill in his old age, he goes to the secret room, and ji zhi follows him in secret. here he stumbles upon his grandmother being r@ped, and it explains that she herself had become the elixir of immortality, so her bodily fluids granted youth. eventually, quoting the manga directly, “she drowned in lust”, and for a hundred years after, she would be claimed by different authority figures

years pass with no visitors, and the next time ji zhi visits her, he’s grown up. he comes to visit her because his grandfather has once again fallen ill, and he’s taken over the position of head of the household to lessen his grandfather’s burden. he asks her if the elixir of immortality must still be extracted the same way, which she confirms, and they end up having sex. he loses control and takes her again and it’s dubcon at best but he feels bad about it and apologizes and tells her he only wants her, and that he wants to be with her

zhong chang, in his ill state, goes back to the imprisonment, this time seeking her blood, figuring it would hold more power and keep him alive forever. he attempts to kill her and steal her blood, and he manages to consume it, but he begins to transform into a monster. she explains that, in small doses, the elixir can cure disease and keep one young, but an overdose is cancerous and fatal

she then decides that her presence only brings despair and fear to those around her, and decides she must leave. ji zhi begs her to stay, but she cuts off her long hair and gives him a portion of it. she tells him to carry on the bloodline, to marry, and to have lots of children

it ends showing ji zhi giving her a respite from the way she’s spent the past hundred years, showing her love and offering her protection, even as he grew his own family tree. the passage of time, however, changed things. at the end, we see her visiting a now elderly and sick ji zhi, clutching the hair she left behind with him. just as she had done with his grandfather and those before him, she kisses him, granting him the elixir of immortality, with the ending tagline: as for the immortal girl—she’s still drifting along the rivers of time

lots of love!!

- 🍙

eVERLASTING PERFuME OF LOVE!!! yA OMFG THIS!!! I READ THIS likE yeaRS AGO but definitely tw.noncon n gross old ugly men!!! but yes yes yes omFGGGGG i CANT BELIEVE YOU FOUND IT!! thank you so mucchhhhh

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

33 andd... 50?

33. Come up with the best way to ask someone out, right now!

.....yeah i got nothing 🤣

50. Any arospec headcanons?

*SLAMS heavy folder down on table* RIGHT

1. Dani from Sense8 - Aroace

daniela my babyyyyy i have literally no words problematic fave she is an aroace person who is VERY sex favourable and she’s in a straight up qpr with lito and hernando in canon and she’s so fucking important <333

2. Sir Leon from BBC Merlin - Aroace

literally what is there to say... that is a man. he is aroace. i’ve seen him be called straight before even tho he’s literally the only knight where attraction/relationship to a woman or anyone else is not even slightly suggested ik he’s boring but that’s entirely separate to his orientation xx

Tahani Al Jamil from the good place - Grayromantic Bisexual

my ICON the way her romantic relationships are usually a way for her to feel valued and she recognises this and works on it and she has a happy ending that does not involve a partner in any capacity and it’s so SUBVERSIVE whether she’s arospec or not but i gotta project xx

Kala Dandekar from Sense8 - Demiromantic Demisexual

kala didin’t want to get married bless her. kala went on several long rants about amatonormativtiy and was EXTRMELY salty about the notion of giving up a career to marry and have children. girl fell for wolfgang fairly quickly bc of their instant deep emotional connection thank you sensateness then the finale is her realising she’s actually in love with her husband too and having a massive poly demi crisis darling im so sorry i love you but it is fucking HILARIOUS 🤣

The Doctor - Aromantic Asexual Aplatonic spectrums (also genderkdsfklglhl) (but none of it bc they are an alien!!!!)

I HAVE DECIDED. mayyybe they are varying degrees of each depending on regeneration or maybe it's just how they show it but just... the way they experience relationships and how they will leave people behind and not think to pop back.... they like having company and spending time with friends and depending on regeneration are very affectionate and some people they do bond more deeply with and they don't like being left (it's the rsd) and they NOT do well on their own but... they just need someone? idk they tend to move on quickly and not look back and as long as they've got the tardis and the freedom to travel and at least one nice person to run with them show them the sights, they're all good <3

Morgana Pendragon from BBC Merlin - Aromantic Lesbian

it feels so wrong to hc her like this when she’s the literal embodiment of the aromantic stereotype - cold, beautiful, suggestive demeanour, her lack of capacity for love emphasizing her evilness- but at the same time i can’t leave her off this list, and she’s very much an aromantic lesbian before she ‘turns evil’. i can’t see s1 or any other season her being interested in romance, even if she’d stayed ‘good’ she just wanted to be able to be herself and for her friends to be safe.

Samantha Carter from Stargate SG1 - Aromantic... Heterosexual? maybe??

this is a recent one i galaxy brained the other night and the reason why samjack always felt a bit beyond just ‘they’re in love’ finally fell into place *checks notes* ten years after they became my first otp. n e way yeah she’s aro and doesn’t know it and ends up with an increasingly shitty series of men when she already has a perfectly good qpr she’s very happy with and i will make a full post about this bc she deserves it <3

All the female royalty in BBC Merlin bc they deserve an aro club <3

SORRY but this mithian quote in particular just... SCREAMS pining aro struggling to accept themselves under amatonormativity <3

Michael from The Good Place- Aroace (+Agender!!)

which is GROSS 🤢 by the way, kissing is GROSS 🤢🤢You just mAsH yOUr foOd hOLeS tOGeTheR, they're not 🙅‍♂️ for that!!

he makes me feel seen 🤣💚🤍🖤

[choerrypuffs]

my best friend wants to be abducted by aliens.

pairing: son of athena!renjun x daughter of aphrodite!reader

genre: fluff, angst

word count: 14.6k (this was supposed to be 5k 😌)

author’s note: hi so here is renjun’s chapter to my 00 line x camp half-blood series (i’m sorry, i know it took forever)! thank you so much for all of the support, and i hope you enjoy 💞

warning: one (1) makeout session

You are currently crouched behind a cluster of bushes, trying to get a glimpse of your targets through binoculars. 

Does that sound stalkerish? Perhaps. 

Are you actually a stalker? Debatable. 

However, no matter how suspicious it looks, your motive is pure—for the most part. 

You’re spying on Kang Daniel (son of Hermes) and Park Jihyo (daughter of Apollo), both of whom are at the Archery Range. Jihyo is showing Daniel how to shoot, encasing him with her arms as she nocks the arrow for him. The tips of his ears are so red that they could practically be a flare; you can see how flamboyant they are all the way from your hiding spot. 

You start grinning like a maniac, excited that your plan is finally unfolding. 

You had noticed how awful Daniel was at archery during a training session a couple weeks ago, and you casually suggested to him that he should ask Jihyo for some lessons. You’ve always known that Daniel has been hopelessly in love with Jihyo since the moment he saw her (it’s a child of Aphrodite thing—you can just sense it), but she’s been oblivious to it this entire time. 

Well, until now. 

Just as you guessed, sparks flew immediately. You could cut the sexual tension between them with a knife. You give them a couple more passionately-charged archery lessons before they inevitably surrender to their emotions and begin to date—and your predictions are never wrong. 

“Another job well done, Y/N,” you mumble proudly to yourself, “Mom would be so proud.”

“Excuse me, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to stop loitering by these bushes and stalking those two campers over there, or else I’ll have to report you to the camp director,” a sudden voice from behind you says. 

Letting out a loud yelp, you drop your binoculars in surprise and whip your head around to see who it is. You turn so fast that you almost fall backwards into said bushes, quickly using your palms to balance yourself. 

“Renjun, you asshole!” 

Huang Renjun, your long-time best friend and professional asshole, is standing in front of you. He’s wearing the iconic orange Camp Half-Blood t-shirt with black jeans, his hands tucked inside his pockets. His dark hair is parted to one side, with a single lock of hair falling perfectly into one eye, giving him the I-wake-up-and-my-hair-is-naturally-like-this look (even though it’s most definitely not true). No doubt that he’s the best-looking person in the entire camp, but his brusque personality makes him a rose with thorns. Sharp thorns.

You often wonder how the two of you even became as close as you are. Children of Athena and Aphrodite notoriously clash due to their mothers’ history with each other. 

You met Renjun four years ago at Arts and Crafts Center, which is a hotspot for children of Athena. It was your first time at the camp, and you wanted to try making a ceramic (maybe a bowl or vase) to bring back to your family as a souvenir. Of course, you failed miserably and got snickered at by other Athena kids. Renjun, who had been sitting beside you, was the only one who didn’t laugh. He even gruffly gave you some pointers. Grateful, you complimented his painting—a mix of pink, yellow, blue, and purple watercolors that meshed together to resemble a galaxy. In return, he gave it to you.

“It’s not my best work, so you can have it,” he had said nonchalantly.

Even though it was the most beautiful piece of art you’ve ever seen, and it’s remained one of your most prized possessions to this day. 

After that incident, you basically attached yourself at the hip with him. He would constantly complain about you following him around, but he also didn’t do anything to stop it. He’s been complaining for four, going on five, years now, yet he’s become your closest friend. Renjun likes act like you’re a pain in the ass (which isn’t untrue), but you know he cares about you. Even if he doesn’t verbalize it, you can tell by his actions; it’s all about the small things with him. Despite being rough around the edges, Huang Renjun is actually just a big softie on the inside. 

“—could you stop snooping around like a weirdo?” Renjun asks, cutting your trip down memory lane short.

You rise to your feet, dusting your palms off and glaring at him. “I’m not snooping around like a weirdo. I’m just snooping around on one of my projects, like a good matchmaker.”

“Sure,” he says, rolling his eyes. He leans down and picks up your binoculars, handing them to you. 

You take them and hang them around your neck. “Why are you here anyway?”

“Aren’t you the one who asked me to meet you at the Dining Pavilion for lunch?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“Oh, sorry! I lost track of time,” you exclaim. “How’d you find me?”

Renjun gives you a pointed look. “Well, seeing as how Daniel and Jihyo are your current quote-unquote project, all I had to do was figure out where they were because I knew you’d be somewhere close.”

You give him a sheepish smile. “You know me so well, Junnie.”

“The hell? Don’t call me that, it’s gross,” he snaps, pretending like he’s about to gag.

“You’re not cute at all,” you huff. 

“Neither are you,” he replies.

“You are so rude! You’ll never get a girlfriend with an attitude like that!” You place your hands on your hips.

“I’ll live,” he says, shrugging. 

You don’t know much about Renjun’s love life because he refuses to tell you anything; he’s like a stubborn clam that won’t open up. However, he’s made it very clear that he does not want your assistance when it comes to finding romance. Obviously, it hasn’t stopped you from trying, but this is one of the few things you can’t seem to make him give in to. 

Yet.

“Whatever,” you sigh. “Let’s go eat.”

The two of you walk to the Dining Pavilion, which is a relatively long walk from the Archery Range, but you make enough conversation that it feels short. When you arrive, you see that they’re serving chicken curry and rice. Your stomach growls embarrassingly loudly when the mouthwatering scent hits you, which prompts Renjun to laugh at you. You give him the middle finger and then turn around to grab a lunch tray. Once you get your food, you two sit at a table in the back. 

Before you begin to eat, you notice that your curry has chunks of potatoes and slices of carrots on it—you abhor carrots more than anything in this world. Noticing your disgusted expression, Renjun slides his plate over without even batting an eyelash, so you can pick out the carrot slices and give them to him. It’s a routine thing for the two of you, since you’re an extremely picky eater and he’s not.

After you take out all of the carrots, you begin to devour your food. You’re wolfing it down so fast that you’re basically asking to choke, in which you immediately do. A piece of chicken lodges itself in your throat, and you begin to cough violently. Renjun sighs, patting your back before handing you your cup of water. 

“I feel like I’m babysitting a toddler every time I eat with you,” he points out as you gulp down your water. 

“Thanks,” you say after you recover.

“For dislodging the food in your esophagus or calling you a toddler?” 

“Both!” you say cheerfully. 

Renjun shakes his head at you, but he’s smiling. You take advantage of his good mood by quickly reaching over and swiping a couple of grapes from the fruit bowl on his tray. He rolls his eyes when you pop them into your mouth and wink at him. 

“Um, Renjun?” A small, different voice cuts in. Both of you turn around to see who it is. 

Hwang Yeji, daughter of Iris and one of the most popular girls at the camp, is standing there. She’s fidgeting, and you can see pink dusting her cheeks. Her friends are at the table right behind her, giving her supportive looks. She smiles shyly at Renjun. 

“Can I help you?” Renjun asks, deadpanning. He isn’t rude per se, but it’s also not a friendly tone. 

Yeji slightly falters at his lackluster response. “Oh, um, I’m going to be performing at the amphitheater tonight...and I was wondering if you could come watch?”

“Why?” 

You know Renjun is asking because he’s genuinely baffled, but it doesn’t lessen your urge to want to slap him upside the head.

“N-No particular reason! O-Okay, bye!” Yeji turns on her heel and runs away. You watch her go back to her table, head hung low in defeat.

“What was that all about?” Renjun is still bewildered. 

No longer able to control yourself, you punch him in the arm. “You moron!”

“Ow! What the hell, Y/N?” he hisses, rubbing his arm.

“She invited you to watch her perform because she likes you!” you hiss. 

“What? No, she doesn’t.” He furrows his eyebrows. 

“Yes, she does! I should know of all people, you dingus. Even without powers, literally anyone else would be able to see that Yeji likes you!” You’re trying your best to keep your voice down, but he’s making it difficult for you. “You are the densest person on the planet!”

“Look who’s talking,” Renjun mutters underneath his breath. 

“I can’t believe you just blew her off like that,” you continue, not hearing what he said.

“How was I supposed to know she liked me? I’ve never even spoken to her,” he protests.

You stare at him in disbelief. “Couldn’t you tell by the context clues?” 

“What context clues?”

“Oh my gods,” you groan, covering your face with your hands.

“What do you want me to do then?” he asks tiredly. 

“Go to her performance tonight,” you say immediately, uncovering your face and whipping your head to look at him with a hopeful expression.

“I don’t really want to though. There’s no point in getting her hopes up if I don’t like her back,” Renjun states matter-of-factly.

“How do you not even have a little bit of interest in her? Look at her! She’s stunning!” You feel like your eyes are about to pop out of your head.

“I’m not saying she isn’t, but I just don’t feel anything special towards her,” he explains. 

“You’re actually insane,” you say incredulously. “There’s no way someone can look at Hwang Yeji and say they don’t feel anything special.”

“If you feel so strongly about it, you could date her,” he suggests.

“No, I’ve decided,” you cut him off, slamming your hand on the table with determination. “I’m going to find you a girlfriend.”

“I’ll have to respectfully decline your services,” he answers, sighing.

“Give me one week,” you plead, “all of my matches have worked out within a week. Please, Renjun? The worst thing that can happen is that you actually like someone and you two become a couple.” 

“And what if it doesn’t work out?” He tilts his head.

“Then, I’ll drop the girlfriend topic for good. I swear on River Styx. And I’ll also give up my title as Camp Half-Blood’s official matchmaker,” you promise.

“You gave yourself that title.”

“Shut up.”

“Why are you so adamant on finding me a girlfriend anyway?” he asks.

“Because you’re so set on not getting a girlfriend, and that drives me crazy. I want to know just who on this Earth can make you feel something special, if even Yeji can’t do it. I want to crack you, like a walnut,” you admit.

“Bad analogy.”

“Yeah, it sounded better in my head.”

Renjun falls quiet, and you can practically see the gears turning in his head as he weighs the pros and cons of your proposition. Athena kids think way too much and way too loudly; they need to let loose and follow their hearts more.

You sit in anticipation for just a little longer before you see the tension on his face begin to dissipate and his features begin to droop. It’s an expression you know well; he’s going to let you have your way, like he always does. 

He pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing. “You get five days. That’s it.”

You squeal loudly, launching yourself at him so you can envelop him in a big bear hug. He grunts as he catches you, saving the both of you from toppling backwards onto the floor. “You’re the best, Renjun!”

Even when he’s irritated or annoyed, Renjun never pushes you away when you hug him. He isn’t exactly the affectionate type, yet his embrace is always so warm and calming. His words may be cutthroat, but his actions are always gentle.

He circles his arms around your waist loosely as he sighs into your hair, seemingly waiting for you to pull back to face him before he says anything. When you do, he flicks you on the forehead instead.

Okay, so you take the his actions are always gentle part back.

“Ouch!” You shrug yourself out of his hold, rubbing the probably reddening spot on your forehead.

“Payback for punching me earlier,” Renjun says, crossing his arms. “But are you sure about this?”

“What do you mean?” 

“You have a perfect record when it comes to your matches. Plus, you’re losing two out of your usual seven days. Are you sure you want to risk breaking your streak?” he asks. 

“What makes you think it’ll get broken?” you shoot back.

“I don’t just think; I know it will,” he smirks arrogantly. “That’s why I’m asking.”

You feel your left eye twitch. Riled up by his cocky demeanor, you grab your cup and chug the rest of your water, wincing like you just downed a shot. Wiping your mouth, you point your finger at him.

“Huang Renjun, just you wait. I’ll make you fall in love so hard that you’ll forget your own name.”

ও DAY ONE.

The Athena Cabin is a marvel to you every time you enter it. Rather than a cabin, it’s a workshop and a library in one on the inside. There are beds pushed haphazardly against the walls, and if you didn’t know that this was the official Athena Cabin, you would’ve thought that the Athena children had simply just crashed at a random facility at the camp and decided to call it their place of residence. 

Renjun is still asleep, despite the commotion of his brothers and sisters running around in the library and/or constructing something in the workshop. His bed is located in the very back, hidden by a bookshelf that’s not frequented often. He’s curled up into a ball, with the blanket covering his head but you can still see tufts of his hair sticking out from under it. 

“Rise and shine!” you sing, lifting blanket off his face. 

His peaceful expression twists with discomfort as its exposed to light, and he immediately rips the pillow out from under his head and puts it over his face. He says something to you, but his words are muffled. You just assume it’s some sort of profanity. 

“Come on, Sleeping Beauty! We have business to attend to,” you say cheerfully, taking the pillow away and tossing it to the foot of his bed.

“And what exactly is this supposed business?” Renjun asks dryly, opening his eyes and squinting up at you. 

“We’re going to scout for potential candidates for you,” you answer as you grab his arm and pull him up. He reluctantly lets you, slumping forward like a limp puppet. 

“Isn’t that your job?” He raises an eyebrow, running a hand through his messy bedhead. Renjun always looks particularly adorable when he wakes up. His pajamas consist of a pair of basketball shorts and an extremely stretched-out t-shirt. The shirt is so big that it’s slipping off his shoulder, which makes him look like a little kid. His hair is sticking up in all sorts of directions, and you can’t help but grin at how cute it is. 

“Yes, but you’re a special case.” You talk to him like he’s five, running your hands through his hair and messing it up even more. Renjun scowls at you, but he sits there and lets you do it.

“Geez, who peed in your cornflakes?” you tease, seeing his stormy look. 

“You.”

“Okay, fine! I’ll wait for you outside, but don’t take too long to get ready,” you say, finally retracting your hands. “No more than thirty minutes or else I’m gonna come find you!” 

He gives you another nasty look, and you blow him a kiss before skipping away. As you head back to the entrance, you greet a couple of Athena kids who pass by. Normally, Aphrodite and Athena children stick their noses up in the air and ignore each other, but you’re such a frequent visitor that they have had no choice but to accept you. It also helps that Renjun is quite popular, so the campers that don’t like you are forced to tolerate you anyway because you’re his best friend. 

That’s another thing you don’t understand—why Renjun hangs out with you when everyone around him is practically foaming at the mouth at the prospect of being his friend (or something more). But for reasons unknown to you, he chooses to ice them out and spend time with you instead.

It’s not that you’re inherently unpopular or someone that would “tarnish” his reputation, but he could probably find someone that annoyed him less and didn’t cause as much trouble as you do. However, you’re glad that he’s choosing to stay by your side in spite of how crazy you can get, because you’re not really sure what you would do without him. 

Not that you would ever admit that because Renjun would roast you to high Olympus.  

As if on cue, you spot Renjun trudging toward you. True to your request, he got ready within thirty minutes. In fact, it only took him about fifteen. He doesn’t look very happy, but he’s always had a resting bitch face (though you’re pretty sure he’s just pissed at you right now).

Strangely, you’re a little embarrassed to see him. You’re not sure why you suddenly thought of your friendship with him and got all sappy. You’ve never really been good at handling the mushy-gushy stuff—only helping others find it.

“Let’s get this over with,” Renjun says begrudgingly when he reaches you, crossing his arms.

“Okay, well, first thing’s first,” you respond, trying to get back on track. You loop your arm through his, which prompts him to instantly uncross his own so you can cling onto his bicep. It’s such a natural action for you that you don’t even think about how quickly he accommodates you. “What’s your type?”

“Where are we going?” he asks, furrowing his eyebrows as he lets you lead him around.

“That depends on your answer to my question,” you reply breezily.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the one who figures that out? You know, with your whole Aphrodite-love-sense-tingle thing.” 

You ignore his dig at your ability. “Normally, yes. But seeing as you’re incapable of feeling any emotion other than bitterness, I have to directly ask you.” 

He laughs at your comeback. “I see. But even if I do tell you my type, what makes you think she will like me too?” 

“If she doesn’t, then just woo her with your irresistible charm,” you say sarcastically. 

“My irresistible charm has a tendency to make people hate my guts, actually,” Renjun says, shrugging. “Wouldn’t want that, would we?” 

“Renjun, you are fully capable of making a girl fall for you,” you chide, huffing at his negative attitude. “I’m not concerned with that. My main issue right now is finding someone that will make you care enough to want her to like you back.”

“You think so?” he asks quietly, looking down at where your hand is resting on his arm.

“Hm?” 

“I hope you’re right,” he says a little louder, dragging his gaze away from your hand and giving you a small smile. “About being capable.”

When Renjun looks into your eyes, you feel him for the first time. Your heart wrenches with his, like a knife was driven into it and something keeps twisting it. It’s an excruciating pain that makes your lungs want to cave in, a pain so unbearably sad that it makes you want to assume fetal position and bawl your eyes out, an exhausting pain that drains you of all your energy until you want to collapse, a pain that makes you hate yourself—but it’s a pain you never want to get rid of. It’s a pain that makes you happy. It’s a pain you’re willing to endure for...for...for what? 

But the pain only lasts for a moment, flashing by like lightning. As you try to reach deeper, it slips through your fingers. Just as suddenly as it hit you, it vanishes. What remains in its place is the metaphorical iron wall that you always seem to run into every time you try to look into Renjun’s heart.

You can already feel your body starting to forget the pain. It’s so fast that you begin questioning if you even truly felt it in the first place, or if it was all some fever dream. You could also be having a stroke, so there’s that.

All jokes aside, you’re not sure what you’re more surprised by: the fact that Renjun has been feeling like this or how well he’s managed to hide it. 

And you’re not sure what you’re more hurt by: the fact that Renjun didn’t tell you or if you’re the one he’s trying to hide it from.

“—hello? Y/N? Earth to Y/N?” Renjun waves his hand in front of your face. 

You jolt, blinking several times as you detach yourself from your whirlwind of thoughts. “S-Sorry! What were you saying?”

“What’s wrong?” he asks, brows furrowing in concern. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

“Ghosts don’t exist,” you retort automatically.

“Yes, they do! How many times have I told you there’s no way that my glass bottle could’ve fallen from my bed without shattering, yet it was underneath my bed, completely and totally unsc—” He begins to protest. 

You cut him off by wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in for a hug. Thankfully, Renjun stops rambling about his ghost story that you’ve heard about a million times and trails off. His hands slowly come to rest on the small of your back, giving you soothing pats. It makes you sad that he’s always ready to comfort you when he’s the one that needs it. Your vision gets blurry with tears, but you hurriedly blink them away.

“How can you be so smart yet so dumb?” you whisper into his shoulder, clutching him tighter.

“You know, you’re sending me mixed signals here,” he says wryly. 

You hug him for a couple more seconds before pulling back. Reaching your hands up, you cup his face. Unfortunately, you do it a little too enthusiastically and basically slap both of his cheeks. “Shit! I’m so sorry, Renjun!” 

“Ow! What is wrong with you?” he demands, wincing. His lips are adorably jutted out and his words probably aren’t as angry as he wants them to be because you’re squishing his cheeks way too hard. 

“I just wanted to tell you that I will definitely find you a girlfriend. No matter what,” you declare with determination in your eyes.

Because I don’t want you to be in pain anymore. Because you deserve to be happy. Because you should have someone to lean on too, you want to say.

Renjun is staring at you like you’ve grown another head. “Y/N, you’re scaring me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you dismiss. “Now, hurry up and tell me your ideal type.”

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” 

“Oh my gods, I’m fine. Stop with all the questions and just answer me!” you say, placing your hands on your hips.

“I think I’m starting to reconsider my ideal type right now,” he replies, eyeing you suspiciously. 

You sigh loudly. “Could you tell me one character trait that you would like in a girlfriend? Just one. Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

He snorts, and you begin to grow frustrated. “Renjun—”

“Stubborn,” he answers. 

You raise an eyebrow. “Of all the things you could’ve chosen, you went with that?”

“I finally answer your question and now you’re shaming me for it?” he shoots back. 

You put your hands up in mock surrender. “Okay, okay, sorry. Anything else you can think of?”

“Unpredictable. Hotheaded. Infuriating. Nosy. Reckless. Unable to take anything seriously. No concept of personal space,” he lists them off like he’s has it memorized.

“These are all terrible traits,” you point out, frowning. 

“Tell me about it.”

“Stop messing around,” you snap, giving him a small shove. “Some positive ones, please.”

Renjun pauses. “This might take a second.”

You give him a pointed look, crossing your arms and tapping your foot impatiently. At this point, you’re not even sure if he’s just joking or if he actually means it. However, it’s the only thing you’ve gotten out of him so far, so you have to work with it. 

“Dedicated,” he finally says after some intense pondering.

You exhale in relief. “Thank gods. What else?”

“Kind. Cheerful. Carefree. Funny. Always makes me smile. Marches to her own beat. An open book when it comes to her feelings. Says whatever is on her mind without thinking twice. Gets excited about things that don’t matter. Has a wonderful laugh. Able to see the good in me, even though I’m an asshole—”

As he continues, you eventually stop paying attention to his words and watch his expression. All of his features have softened, and there’s a warmth in his eyes that you’ve never seen before. He has the gentlest smile on his face as he talks, but you’re not even sure that he’s aware of it. 

You wouldn’t be a child of Aphrodite if you couldn’t recognize a boy in love, and Renjun certainly fits the bill. 

Suddenly, you feel an ugly sensation twisting in the pit of your stomach, coiling like a poisonous snake. It’s an awful feeling, and it makes you ashamed because it resembles jealousy way too closely for your comfort. You hate feeling like this, but you don’t know how to stop it. In fact, you don’t even know why you’re feeling this way. It’s foreign to you, but you know it’s not coming from Renjun. This is all coming from inside you.

“Stunning in every way,” Renjun finishes quietly. His voice is barely a whisper, but you can hear it clearly, as if it’s right in your ear. 

Digging your nails into your palms, you let out a low whistle. “That was very...specific.”

“Afraid of a challenge?” he counters, smirking. 

His banter makes you grin. It’s almost enough to make you forget the feeling in your stomach. You wonder why you keep getting worked up by yourself. Maybe the summer heat is getting to you, and you really are on the verge of having a stroke. 

“It’s like you don’t even know me,” you retort dramatically, clinging onto his arm again. “Alright, let’s go!” 

“Where?” 

“The Training Grounds!” 

“Why there?” His nose crinkles. 

“Your ideal type is as Ares kid as it can get,” you say, snorting. “So, obviously, we’re going to their turf.” 

“Ares children are obnoxious and arrogant,” Renjun scoffs. 

“And you’re a smartass, so it’ll be fine,” you say breezily. 

He rolls his eyes, muttering under his breath. 

“You’re such a drama queen. Besides, it won’t be only Ares kids there,” you point out.

He shrugs in a noncommittal manner but ultimately lets you lead him to the Training Grounds. When you arrive, as expected, it’s mainly Ares kids there. For people who aren’t used to it, the Training Grounds could be mistaken for a battle royale, judging by how vicious it can get at times. Even though it’s just a bunch of sweaty young adults angrily swinging swords at dummies and each other. 

Stroking your chin, you begin to scan the area. It’s only when your eyes fall onto Park Sooyoung, the daughter of Ares that’s infamous for making men cower to their knees, that the lightbulb goes off in your head. 

“What about Sooyoung?” you ask excitedly, tugging on Renjun’s shirt. 

He frowns. “She hates me.”

“You don’t know that,” you say.

“She tried to throw a dagger at my head once,” he states flatly. 

“She does that to everyone,” you dismiss. “I think you two would work well together.”

“Please, enlighten me.” 

“She could be the brawn to your brain. She’s super rambunctious, while you’re more reserved and can keep her in check. But she’ll be able to teach you how to live a little, and you’ll just perfectly balance each other out. You know, that whole opposites attract and enemies to lovers trope,” you explain. 

“Enemies to lovers?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Yes,” you say dreamily, “You two start off absolutely despising each other, but neither of you can fight the tension building and eventually just get entangled in the throes of your passion!”

“Okay, Fifty Shades of Grey, calm down,” Renjun says, scrunching up his features in disgust. “Stop writing fanfiction in your head and come back to the real world.”

You glare at him for killing your vibe. “Just go and try to talk to her.”

“I don’t want to be mauled.” There’s actually a small glimmer of fear in his eyes. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. She’s not gonna kill you. At least not in front of everyone like this,” you reassure him. 

“So you’re admitting that there is a possibility she would kill me.”

Fed up, you snatch his wrist and begin dragging him. He makes noises of protest, but you keep a vice-like grip on him. Sooyoung is sparring with some of her brothers (and frankly, handing their asses to them). You’re envious of how beautiful she is even with sweat dripping from her chin and tendrils of hair stuck to her neck. Her face is flushed with effort, but it makes her look like a peach. 

However, don’t ever judge a book by its cover because she proceeds to lift one of her brothers, as if she’s bench pressing him, and tosses him aside like a rag doll. He comes flying directly toward you, but Renjun wraps an arm around your shoulders and yanks you aside with his surprisingly quick reflexes. Sooyoung’s brother lands with a hard thud, right beside your feet.

Renjun holds you tightly against him as he scowls at Sooyoung, who is smirking at him. Your heart is pounding wildly, though you’re not sure if it’s from the adrenaline rush of one of Sooyoung’s brothers hurling towards you like a projectile or the way Renjun is cradling you to him.

“Are you out of your mind?” Renjun demands, livid. 

“Sorry about that,” Sooyoung says, trying to hide her amusement. 

“No, you’re not. You did it on purpose,” Renjun snaps. 

“Remove head from ass, Huang. If I didn’t think you’d be able to get her out of the way in time, I wouldn’t have done it,” Sooyoung responds, sounding bored.

“What if I hadn’t? Your tank of a brother would’ve knocked Y/N out,” Renjun says angrily, gritting his teeth. “And trust me, she doesn’t need any more screws loose than she already has.”

“Hey!” you chime in, offended. His arm falls from your shoulders and back to his side when you give him a dirty look. He seems a little surprised, whether the reason be from your sudden protest or how long his arm’s been around you. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Sooyoung says, rolling her eyes. “Anyways, what do you want? You’re here to see me, right?” 

Renjun opens his mouth to say something, but you slap a hand over his mouth. “Renjun thinks you’re really pretty and wants to train with you.”

Perhaps you could have delivered it in a smoother manner.

“Mm?” He stares at you with wide, horrified eyes. He’s trying to speak, but it’s all muffled by your palm. 

Sooyoung snorts, crossing her arms and tilting her head. “Does he now?” 

“Yes. He’s just too shy to admit it,” you lie through your teeth. 

“Mhm, I’m sure he is,” she laughs. “What’s the actual reason you’re here?”

“Whatever are you talking about? That is the reason,” you answer sweetly. “So, what do you say? Wanna spar him?”

“Mmmmmm!” Renjun has you by the wrist, trying to remove your hand from his mouth, but you won’t budge. 

“You must think I was born yesterday,” Sooyoung sighs. “You’re trying to set us up together, right? Glad to see you’re sticking to your whole matchmaking schtick.”

“Maybe,” you admit sheepishly. “Also, it is not a schtick! I have a natural affinity for finding people that are compatible with each other, like all Aphrodite children, and it is my duty to use that ability in order to help others.”

Despite how proud you look, Sooyoung and Renjun exchange knowing glances, and she reaches forward and gives him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “Stray strong, soldier.”

“Mm,” he responds, sounding tired.

You watch the interaction with a baffled expression. Neither one of them seems intent on providing any context for you. You’re hit with another pang of jealousy. 

“While it would be my utmost honor to be Renjun’s girlfriend, I will have to decline. Firstly, because I would definitely murder him by our third date tops. And secondly, because I already have a girlfriend,” Sooyoung says nonchalantly. 

Your hand goes limp and falls off of Renjun’s mouth, finally freeing him. Your jaw is hanging wide open, a direct invitation for flies. The both of you just stand there and gawk at her. 

“What?” you exclaim, grabbing her by the shoulders. “You have a girlfriend?”

Most Aphrodite kids are just naturally aware of all the couples at Camp Half-Blood whenever they see them, but you make it a point to keep tabs on them so you can avoid incidents like this while you’re trying to find matches for others. Clearly, you’ve missed one. 

“Ye—”

“Who is it?” you demand, resisting the urge to shake her until her bones rattle. “How could I not know about it?”

“Well, that was the goal,” Sooyoung explains, “we want it to be a secret.”

You’re gripping her so tightly that the tips of your fingers have turned white, though you’re sure it doesn’t bother her since she’s pure muscle. You want to know who it is so badly, but you respect her privacy, so you decide to let it go. Even if you really don’t want to.

“I understand,” you say solemnly, begrudgingly releasing her. Your body is slightly twitchy as you fight to control your need to snoop. 

“You look like you’re about to pass out,” Renjun cuts in, half-joking and half-concerned. 

“Today has not gone well for me,” you sigh, spirit crushed by the sudden news and exhausted because of your weird mood swings that have been happening. “I’m hot, and I just want a nice, cold shower, followed by some nice, cold ice cream, and then followed by a nice, warm nap. We’ll try this again tomorrow.” 

“Want me to walk you back to your cabin?” Renjun asks. 

You nod, shoulders slumped in defeat. “Sorry to bother you, Sooyoung.”

“No problem. You’ll get ‘em next time,” Sooyoung says, trying to sound encouraging. 

As you turn to pitifully walk away, you notice Sooyoung and Renjun exchange another look in your peripheral. She gives him a thumbs up and he smiles wryly before he also turns to follow you.

It’s just the icing on the cake for your awful day. 

The walk back to your cabin is pretty quiet; Renjun sensing your foul mood and making the wise decision of letting you pout all by your lonesome (not that he’s much of a chatterbox anyway). You’re looking down at your feet as you walk, and he kindly navigates you through crowds and moves you out of the way when campers run by. This is something Renjun does often, since you have a tendency to not pay much attention to your surroundings on a regular basis, so you don’t even think twice about it. 

When you finally arrive, Renjun gives you a comforting pat on the back. “See you tomorrow. I’ll meet you here. Do not barge into my cabin and give me another rude awakening like you did today.”

You give him a strained smile and wink. “No promises.”

Of course, your act doesn’t fool him. He sighs. “Did it really bother you that much that Sooyoung managed to hide her relationship from you? It’s not like you to be so down after one failure.”

Honestly, that’s the least of your concerns right now. Did it hurt your pride? Yes, but you’ve recovered from a wounded pride countless times. 

What bothers you the most right now is the vile jealousy that you’ve stored in your heart. How shitty you felt when he was describing his ideal type (and how absolutely lovestruck he looked), or how bitter you were when you saw that Sooyoung and Renjun were in on something you weren’t. It eats away at you, seemingly within moments, before you even know what’s happening. But why? Where is it all coming from?

This is Renjun you’re talking about. Renjun, your best friend. Renjun, the one who’s always there for you. Renjun, the closest person to you other than your bloodline. 

Or so you thought. 

The pain that you felt from him earlier still haunts you, even if it’s faint. You’ve always seen Renjun as someone you can confide in, no matter what, yet it doesn’t appear like he feels the same towards you. In fact, an irrational part of you thinks you may be the one he’s trying to keep it from. 

And the paranoid part of you thinks Sooyoung knows about it too.

You know it’s horrible to think that, but you can’t control it. Renjun isn’t required to tell you everything he feels just because you do, not that it doesn’t hurt any less. It just bugs you that there could be someone closer to him than even you, which is an incredibly toxic mindset to have. You’re upset by the fact that you’re so possessive of him, yet you can’t seem to let him go either. 

I guess it’s alright if it’s Sooyoung, you admit to yourself, since she has a girlfriend.

You blink.

Wait, what? 

Before you can figure out what the hell your brain meant by that, you feel Renjun place his hand on your forehead. It jars you from your thoughts and you come back to reality, where Renjun is staring at you with furrowed brows as he checks your temperature. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright? You’ve been spacing out all day,” he says, clearly worried.

“F-Fine!” you answer way too enthusiastically. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he dismisses. “Just go get some rest.”

“Aye, aye, captain,” you nod hurriedly, giving him a two-finger salute. “I’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early! Don’t oversleep!” 

“Yeah, yeah,” he waves you off, smiling. You can tell he’s still concerned, but your brighter attitude relieves him just a tad. “Oh, and Y/N?” 

“Mhm?”

“I forgot to mention one more trait for my ideal type.”

“What is it?” You wish you had never asked him in the first place. Just when your mood was getting a little better, it sours just as quickly. 

“Dense,” he adds. 

You give him a puzzled look. “Huh?”

“I want her to be dense,” he states simply. 

“No way,” you argue, when his words finally register. “How is it gonna work out if both of you are dense as hell?”

“Who knows? Maybe our denseness will cancel each other out, and we’ll fall in love instantly,” he shrugs.

“Of course. PEMDAS and shit,” you jokingly agree.

“Exactly,” he says, nodding with a deadpan expression. 

You laugh loudly—a big belly laugh that makes Renjun beam. The tension eases off his features, and he seems much more reassured. Your heart swells at how hard he’s trying to make sure you’re okay, not that he would ever admit that.

“Okay, for real now. Bye, Y/N.” He gives you a lazy wave before walking away, shattering your touching moment. 

You huff at how he turned around without even letting you respond, though you still wave back (even if he can’t see it), and go back into your cabin. The moment the door closes behind you, you make a beeline for the shower. Peeling off your sweat-soaked clothes, you close your eyes in bliss when the cold water hits you. 

As you let the water run down your body, you begin to feel more and more like a petulant child that just threw the biggest tantrum ever. You’re embarrassed that you overreacted like that and got so emotional for no reason. You chide yourself for being selfish. Just because you’re upset that Renjun doesn’t confide in you the way you do him, it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t have someone. You should be happy for him when he finds a person he can fully open up to, even more so than you. Isn’t that what you’re trying to do for him right now? 

You shut the water off before slapping your cheeks hard, giving yourself a wake up call. Resolving to be more composed tomorrow, you decide to just take a nap for now as you change into comfortable clothes and dry your hair off. 

When you get to your bed, you see a small bowl of ice cream on your nightstand. Luckily, your shower didn’t take too long, so it’s still relatively frozen. It’s two scoops of chocolate, which is your favorite. You’re so excited that you almost miss the note tucked underneath the bowl. 

don’t know when you’re going to get out of the shower, so this might just be soup by the time you’re out. if that’s the case, drink it anyways since i went through the trouble of getting it. 

You snort. It’s so like Renjun to write a tactless note like this and not even bother signing off on it. If he’s going to be sweet, he shouldn’t ruin the moment by doing what he always does—opening his mouth (figuratively, in this case). 

But it’s not enough to wipe that big grin off your face, as you carefully fold up the note and put it in your drawer. 

He’s not cute at all.

ও DAY TWO.

The next day is about as successful as the first one, if not worse.

You had woken up with a game plan. Before you went to meet Renjun, you drafted up a list of campers that matched his ideal type (for the most part, since he was a little too specific). The goal was to narrow it down to a couple names before trying to march in head first, since that went disastrously yesterday. 

Unfortunately, instead of things going smoothly like you had hoped, you find yourself banging your head against a tabletop repeatedly.

You and Renjun are currently sitting in the library of the Athena Cabin, having been there for almost an hour now. He’s nearly eliminated your entire list that you so meticulously curated this morning. You’re starting to wonder if he’s purposefully being difficult just to see you riled up.

Renjun watches you hit your head a couple more times before outstretching his hand, catching your forehead in his palm and blocking you from hitting it against the table again. “Stop before you bleed all over the table, and I get stuck scrubbing it out later.”

You raise your head to glare at him. “I’ll show you bleeding all over the table.”

He doesn’t even blink at your threat, infuriatingly unfazed. “Are you done with your list already?”

“No,” you grumble, “I still have some left.”

“So, if I’m not interested in the rest, does that mean we’re done for the day?” he asks.

“Haha,” you say wryly, “you wish. If you don’t pick one, then I’ll just go through the list myself and pick one that I think is the most compatible with you.”

“Damn it.”

“Okay, what about Hyun Seunghee? She’s an Apollo kid. Super talented and sweet, one of the most adorable people on the planet, and loves art just like you,” you suggest.

“Seunghee is a very sweet girl,” Renjun agrees. “But I don’t think I have the energy to keep up with her. She’s even bubblier and more hyperactive than you, and I can barely manage dealing with you.” 

Sighing, you cross out Seunghee’s name on your list while simultaneously flipping off Renjun with your other hand. “Okay, what about Lee Mijoo? She’s one of my sisters, and honestly, she’s way out of your league but I’ll keep her in the running for now.” 

You figure it’s best to not mention that, despite being way out of his league, Mijoo has expressed some very...explicit interest in Renjun before. It’ll make things awkward if they do end up talking, and you aren’t one to expose your own sister like that.

“Ew, no way, that’s weird,” Renjun says, scrunching up his nose.

“What, why?”

“I don’t want to date anyone related to you. That would make us sort of related too, and the last thing I want is to be your brother.” He spits out the word like it’s a stale piece of gum that he’s been chewing for four hours.

“First of all, slow down, tiger. You would have to marry her for us to be related. This is just a casual thing. No one said anything about marriage. Second of all, that is so mean! Why wouldn’t you want to be in-laws with me?” you demand, offended.

“Don’t most people enter relationships with the intention of spending the rest of their lives with each other?” he asks, skillfully dodging your question. “I won’t date someone if I think we’re just going to breakup down the road.”

There’s a beat of silence as you stare at him with wonder. Your lips curl into a gentle smile, and you can’t hide the adoration in your expression. Renjun truly is all bark and no bite. Who would’ve guessed there’s such a lovely and pure person behind his sharp tongue?

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asks warily. You swear you can see a little pink dusting the shells of his ears and the tip of his nose.

“It’s just...you’re much more of a hopeless romantic than I initially thought, Huang Renjun,” you say teasingly. 

Now, you can definitely tell he’s embarrassed. He mumbles a “shut up” under his breath, but you can barely hear it.

“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself,” you advise, “it’s totally natural to date and breakup. You can love someone with all of your heart, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be your life partner. Loosen up, my friend, and just have fun! Fall in love recklessly, and don’t think about anything else! That’s what youth is all about!”

You expect him to make fun of you for lecturing him like you’re centuries old, when the both of you can barely label yourselves as adults, but he doesn’t. 

Instead, he’s gazing at you with a deep melancholy in his eyes. You’re sitting right across from him, but the way he looks at you makes it seem like you’re galaxies away. Your gut wrenches at how hurt and helpless he seems, like he’s yearning for something that is out of his reach. 

Time seems to slow down as the two of you stare into each other’s eyes, as if you’re both entranced. It’s hard to tell how long you stay like that, but it feels like you’ve woken up in the middle of a sweet dream when Renjun finally breaks eye contact. You’re slightly disoriented, even though it’s probably only been a few seconds.

Clearing his throat, Renjun mutters, “Anyways, don’t put anymore of your siblings on the list.”

You take a moment to gather your thoughts before sighing. “Fine. But now I’ve run out of names on my list.”

“Well, gosh darn it, what a shame,” he says in a terrible Southern accent while attempting to get up. “Look’s like that’s a wrap for today!” 

“Not so fast,” you cut in, snapping your fingers at him to sit back down. “We’re not done yet.” 

He groans but reluctantly obeys, dramatically throwing his head into his arms when he does.

“Behave while I go through this list again,” you order, putting stars next to names that you’re going to force Renjun to reconsider with. 

“Now, you’re making me want to hit my head against the table,” he complains, voice muffled by his arms.

You ignore his whining, focusing on your current task at hand. Just as you finish narrowing it down to a select few, someone brushes past you and it’s like you hear angels singing. Seo Soojin, daughter of Nemesis and actual hotness personified, walks by. 

Soojin is relatively new to Camp Half-Blood, having arrived for the first time last year. You don’t know much about her personality because she keeps to herself and her tight-knit circle of friends for the most part. You know for a fact that she’s a far cry from Renjun’s type, but you’re starting to think he doesn’t really know what he wants—seeing that he shot down every single person on your list already. She will be a nice change of pace for him.

“What about Soojin?” you ask in a hushed whisper, leaning forward. 

“Who?” Renjun looks around, not lowering his voice or trying to be subtle in the slightest.

“Shhh!” you hiss, grabbing him by his shirt and yanking him forward. You pull a little too hard and end up knocking your foreheads together. 

“Ow! Why is your head made out of cast iron?” Renjun winces. He tries to lean back, but you don’t let him escape. 

“Shut up! You’re the blockhead, asshole,” you protest, getting offended for the second time. “Anyways, Seo Soojin. The girl over there. The one with the bangs, big lips, and is hot as fuck?” 

He squints, finally zeroing in on her. “What about her?”

“That’s what I’m asking you, dipshit!” 

Renjun shrugs noncommittally—an action that you’ve grown extremely accustomed to during these past two days, an action that makes you want to rip your own hair out. “She seems nice.” 

“Well, try and talk to her then,” you say, spelling it out for him. “You know, so you can see if the two of you will hit it off or not.”

He gives you a look. It’s the same look that a twelve-year-old kid gives his mother when she makes him take a picture in front of a national monument that he doesn’t know anything about, nor does he care to. However, she insists, so he reluctantly trudges over to it and takes the picture—hands firmly balled up by his sides and his lips pressed into a hard line, no matter how much his mom tells him to smile.

So, in other words, Renjun looks like he wants to crawl into a hole and die.

“Are you sure that you’re human?” you ask incredulously. You’re not even being sarcastic at this point; you genuinely want to know how he is able to feel absolutely nothing for women that could rival the goddesses themselves.

“Technically—”

“If you say that you’re only half-human because we’re demigods, you’re going to get a pen through the jugular,” you warn, pointing your pen at him. 

“Am I wrong, though?” 

“You know what I mean, you smartass. Are you or are you not capable of feeling romantic attraction towards another person?” you demand.

“I am,” he simply says.

“That’s it? That was the most robotic answer I’ve ever heard in my life!” you exclaim. 

“What else am I supposed to say?” he asks, throwing his arms up. 

“Have you experienced any blackouts recently, like woken up without memory of the past twenty-four hours? Have you checked your body for any chip implants under your skin?” You eye him suspiciously. “Been beamed up by any UFOs? Gone somewhere haunted?” 

Renjun gives you a pointed look, sighing. “While it is touching to know that you do, in fact, listen to me whenever I talk about topics I’m interested in, this is not how I wanted you to apply your knowledge.”

“You know, now that I think about it, you sure talked about alien abductions a lot,” you say, stroking a fake beard on your chin. “Could it be because you were actually abducted by aliens and got brainwashed into gathering information about us demigods, but they took away your ability to feel emotions so they wouldn’t get in the way of your mission?” 

You pause, waiting for his reaction. Renjun is very obviously trying not to smile, with his chin being propped up by his palm and his fingers covering his mouth. “Please, continue.” 

“But ultimately, that will be your fatal flaw and the downfall of your mission because you can’t empathize like humans can,” you finish dramatically. 

“Alright, let’s say I was brainwashed by aliens. Why would I then draw more attention to myself by talking about the very thing that happened to me? Wouldn’t that be counterproductive?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Reverse psychology,” you explain, “you talk about them, so you won’t seem suspicious.” 

Renjun exhales sharply before looking down at his feet. You can see his lips twitching as he tries not to laugh, though you’re pretty sure that exhale from before was a small laugh. You’re grinning, despite the fact that you’re also trying to keep up your detective act.

“I’m kind of wish I had been abducted by aliens right about now. Maybe brainwashed me would be a little more courageous,” he mutters under his breath. You’re not sure if you were meant to hear that, but you do anyways. 

“That sounds exactly like something someone abducted by an alien would say!” you say in an accusatory tone, pointing a finger at him. He rolls his eyes, but a tiny smile eventually makes its way to his lips. 

You gasp loudly, grabbing his face and pulling it towards your own. He makes a small noise of surprise, eyes as wide as UFO saucers. Your faces are so close that your noses are slightly brushing up against one another, but you’re not paying attention to that right now. 

“Or you could be a lizard person,” you whisper, “you know, the ones that people think take the place of government officials.”

“They’re called reptilian humanoids,” Renjun corrects. His breath (which smells like the blueberry muffin he had this morning) rustles your baby hairs. 

“Your eyes are glowing yellow, and your pupils are turning into slits,” you tease.

“Are they, now?” 

No, they aren’t. His eyes are a cool, icy gray, like most Athena children. It’s always been a trait you’ve been jealous of. They sparkle like stars, or freshly fallen snow. They change according to his mood too. For example, when he gets angry, there are no stars. Instead of twinkling, they flash like lightning. His eyes are truly the window to his soul; they’re one of your favorite things about him.

Renjun slightly leans into your touch, and it finally hits you how close he is. You’re cupping his face with both hands, tilting his chin up, and it looks like you’re about to...kiss him.

 It seems you’re not the only one who thinks so, because almost the entire library is gawking at you. Including Seo Soojin. She looks surprised, and slightly disgusted, by the two of you.

Oh.

You feel heat rise from your neck to your entire face.

Oh gods, they all think we’re a couple.

You recoil away from him, withdrawing your hands like your just burned yourself. “We have to get out of here.”

“What?” As always, Renjun doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Just come on,” you say quickly, grabbing his arm and dragging him out of the library. 

Your face burns for a long time after that, and you can no longer focus on anything else. In the end, you decide to call it a day after a few more half-hearted attempts to find more candidates for Renjun. When you come back to your cabin, you take another cold shower. 

You’re not sure what you’re so flustered by: the fact that you didn’t realize what you were doing or the fact that everyone in the library saw it.

Or the fact that you didn’t mind the notion of being mistaken for a couple with Renjun.

ও DAY THREE.

You don’t meet bright and early with Renjun today. He demanded to sleep in this time, since he’s not an early riser to begin with and the past two days have sucked all the energy out of him. 

Which means you’re free until noon. You check the time—10 AM. 

Two hours to kill. 

You don’t feel like getting all sweaty and hot, so any activity outside is out. You really don’t want to be judged by more Athena kids in the Arts and Crafts Center without Renjun. So, you decide to head back to the library, despite how yesterday went.

You check out a book that goes into depth about some of the most believable conspiracy theories; Renjun actually read it a while ago (and totally geeked out about it to you), but who would have thought that you would end up reading it too? Past you definitely would’ve laughed in your face if you told her that. 

Once you get back to your cabin, you curl up in your covers and begin to read. You get about two chapters in when you hear the door open and Jeong Jaehyun, one of your brothers, walks in. He’s wearing his orange t-shirt that’s soaked with sweat, and his hair is dripping from perspiration too. His pale skin glistens, and he looks like a sweaty and sparkly vampire. 

“Hey, kid,” Jaehyun says, nodding at you. He isn’t that much older than you, but he’s gotten into the habit of calling you kid for some reason.

“This is a surprise. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you come back from training before 5 PM,” you tease.

He lets out a low whistle. “Way too hot out there. I needed to get some A/C before I had a heatstroke—is that a book in your hand?”

“What about it?” you ask, raising an eyebrow.

Jaehyun snorts. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you near a book, much less read one.”

“Rude. I am expanding my horizons,” you retort. 

“It seems so. What was up with you and Renjun at the library yesterday?” Jaehyun plops down on the edge of your bed. 

“How do you even know about that?” you ask, wrinkling your nose. “And go take a shower first before you sit on my bed! You stink!” 

“Do I?” He waggles his eyebrows and throws his arms around you in a bear hug. You try your best to shove him off, but he has a hold on your like a python. 

“I hate you,” you say when he finally pulls back, sniffing your shirt to make sure you still smelled like your fabric softener. “Anyways, how’d you find out about the library thing?”

“Rumors spread fast around here, dear sister. But, seriously, what’s the deal?”

“There is no deal, Jaehyun,” you sigh, closing your book. “It’s all just a misunderstanding. We were joking around while I was trying to find a potential girlfriend for him there—which, by the way, is going horribly. I don’t think he feels romantic attraction properly like everybody else.”

“Oh right. I forgot you roped Renjun into your matchmaking thing,” Jaehyun says, disappointed. “Damn, and here I thought he finally made a move.”

Your head snaps up to give him a quizzical look. “What?”

“What?” He tilts his head.

“What did you mean by that, the part where you said you thought Renjun finally made a move?” you ask. 

Jaehyun stares at you for a couple of seconds, an astonished expression on his face. “Do you really not know?” 

“Would I be asking if I didn’t know?” you shoot back, annoyed that he still hasn’t answered you. 

“Gods, all this time, I thought you were just pretending like you didn’t know because you didn’t want to make things awkward,” he continues, shaking his head.

“Jaehyun, what are you talking about?” you demand.

“Renjun is in love with you, Y/N.”

You gape at him. It’s a good thing you’re already sitting down because you definitely would have fallen on your ass if you had been standing.

“Th-Th-That’s impossible,” you stammer, like an absolute idiot. “There’s n-n-no way.”

“Oh, come on, lil’ sis. He’s never even tried to hide it. He’s so obvious about it that I seriously don’t understand how you didn’t know,” Jaehyun snorts. “You don’t even need to have powers to see that he’s head over heels for you.”

“But—but how? I would’ve sensed it!” you exclaim.

“You’re so sharp when it comes to other people, but you’re dense as hell when it comes to yourself,” Jaehyun points out, shrugging. “You just never paid attention, Y/N.”

You don’t respond. Your mind is a mess, a jumbled mishmash of emotions. You’re feeling so many things right now, and you can’t pinpoint any of it.. You wouldn’t be surprised if you passed out.

“Do you like him back?” Jaehyun asks softly. 

“I—no! Of course not. Renjun’s my best friend. If I liked him, why would I be trying to find him a girlfriend right now? That’d be stupid of me. Yeah, that’d be so dumb. Why would I do that?” You’re rambling now, and it’s glaringly obvious that you’re trying to convince yourself rather than Jaehyun (and you know he can see it too).

“It doesn’t seem like you’re trying that hard, though.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” you ask defensively. 

“The Y/N I know spends all hours of the day gathering information on her potential matches and making sure even the tiniest detail goes according to her master plan that she’s already drafted inside her head. She wouldn’t be sitting here, leisurely reading a book, especially if it’s going horribly. She would be doing everything in her power to get things back on track,” Jaehyun notes. “Ask yourself. Do you really want Renjun to get a girlfriend?” 

“Wh-Why wouldn’t I?” You ask him, hoping he knows the answer, because you sure as hell don’t know. 

“Because he won’t always be there anymore. He won’t have time to let you constantly drag him into your antics anymore. You won’t be his number one anymore. His girlfriend will be his first priority, of course, as she should. Think long and hard about that, Y/N. Will you be okay with that?”

“I—” The words seem to die inside your throat as you come to realization that you might not be okay with that at all. You’ve always gone to Renjun for everything and knowing that he may not always be there makes you feel lost, like a compass without it’s True North. You’re being selfish again, but it seems like you’ve gotten into the habit of acting selfish whenever it comes to Renjun. You’ve let yourself grow too reliant on him. 

“Why do you care so much anyways?” Now, you’re deflecting. “Why did you tell me all of this?”

“Because you’re my little sister and I care about you. I want you to be one hundred percent sure of your own feelings, so your heart doesn’t get broken. The only reason I didn’t say anything sooner was because I thought you were already sure. Take some time and think about it, Y/N. It’ll be better for your friendship with Renjun if everything is crystal clear between the two of you,” Jaehyun advises, giving you a pat on the shoulder. He gets up, presumably to take a shower, and leaves.

You barely notice him go.

You sit in your bed, staring blankly at the wall, until Renjun finally arrives. He’s still a little groggy, probably having woken up ten minutes ago before coming. His clothes are a little rumpled and his hair isn’t styled, with his bangs flopping in his eyes. Normally, you would have made fun of him and mussed it up, but you have other things on your mind as of the moment. 

Like always, he can tell something is up. He gets that concerned look on his face—the one where he has a deep crease between his brows and his rosy lips are turned downwards. 

“What’s wrong?” He places a hand on your arm, lowering his head so he can’t get a better look at your face. 

Physical contact with Renjun has always been something normal for you, but suddenly, you’re now acutely aware of everything about him. You can feel the pad of every one of his fingertips on your bare skin, the warmth of his palm, and just how easily his touch makes your body relax. Even when your brain is a whirlwind of thoughts, your muscles, like clockwork, instantly loosen up with just a brush of his hand.

“We need to talk,” you say shakily, moving away from him. There’s a flash of hurt in his eyes as his hand falls to his side. You feel bad, but the longer he’s touching you, the more confused you get. 

You lead him a secluded area behind the Dining Pavilion, and he follows wordlessly. He waits for you to speak as the two of you stand there. Now that you’re here, you don’t really know what to say anymore. 

“Are you in love with me?” you blurt before you can stop yourself. “Jaehyun said—”

“Yes,” Renjun answers. If he’s surprised or taken aback whatosever, he doesn’t show it. In fact, it seems like he knew this was coming. There’s no fear or hesitation in his eyes. He’s unwavering in his answer, and you wonder how he can always be so certain of his feelings. 

“How long?” you ask tentatively. 

“Probably when we first met,” he says. 

“Why?” 

“Are you asking me why I’m in love with you?” He raises an eyebrow. 

You’re not sure. You’re not sure of anything anymore.

When you don’t answer, Renjun looks at you for a very long time. “You make me happy, Y/N. No matter how shitty things get, no matter how much I want to ram my fist through a wall, I see you and it’s like I can finally take a breath again. When you smile at me, I forget about everything that was bothering me. You and your daily shenanigans are the best part of my day. You’re obnoxious and frustrating and exhausting, but I fucking love you for it. I’m at your beck and call; I’d do anything for you. Whenever you’re happy, I become happy too. Nothing else matters to me anymore. That’s why.”

“You should have told me,” you say, voice cracking. Your heart is singing with joy, and you want to cry with relief. He talks about you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and you so desperately want to be exactly that for him. You’re not confused anymore. Everything has finally become clear for you now. You truly wonder how you managed not to notice anything at all—whether it be your own feelings or his. 

“I knew it would upset you,” he murmurs. 

But then it hits you. 

You can’t even fathom how much Renjun has had to endure throughout the years. He’s loved you all this time, yet he hasn’t said a word—out of consideration for you. In everything he’s ever done during the course of your friendship, he has always put you first. Even if it hurts him, he was willing to withstand it for your sake.

Yet all you’ve done for him is force him into letting you try to find a him a girlfriend, despite the fact that he was against it, and he had to pretend like he was okay as he watched you parade around like a fool telling him to love someone else. 

You don’t deserve to be loved by someone like Huang Renjun.

You don’t deserve to love someone like Huang Renjun.

Suddenly, you begin to feel nauseous—probably sickened by guilt. Black spots dot your vision, and your legs start wobbling. Your body collapses only moments after, but luckily, Renjun manages to catch you before you can hit the pavement. 

“Y/N? Y/N? Hey, talk to me,” you can hear him say very faintly. He’s cradling you against his chest, and you bury your face in it. Your head is spinning, but you feel surprisingly grounded in his arms.

Has he always smelled this nice? His scent is a mixture of books and sandalwood, and you’re basically crushing your nose against his chest like an absolute pervert. You don’t feel embarrassed because you know you can blame it on being sick later. 

Speaking of sick, even though Renjun smells so good, you proceed to lean forward and vomit all over him and yourself.

Once again, you don’t feel that embarrassed because you black out soon after.

ও DAY FOUR.

You wake up tucked nicely under your covers. Much to your relief, you’re also in clean clothes—your favorite set of heart pajamas. Unfortunately, that’s the only bright side to your current state.

It feels like you haven’t had a sip of water in ten years, and your lips feel like they’ve been glued together. Even the tiniest movement makes your head feel like someone is drilling into your skull. Your body feels twenty times heavier, and not to mention, you just generally feel like shit because of what happened with Renjun.

“Oh my gods, you look so creepy right now. Who just lays there with their eyes wide open? If you’re awake, you should say something,” a voice chides. Turning your head just a smidgen (and wincing because of the pain), you see your sister, Lee Mijoo. She has a glass of water in her hand, setting it on your nightstand.

“How long have I been asleep?” you ask hoarsely. 

“Let’s see. Renjun brought you back at like 2 PM yesterday, and it’s now 8 PM, so...thirty hours?” Mijoo counts on her fingers. 

“Fuck,” you groan.

“Heatstroke will do that to ya,” she says, making a clicking noise with her tongue.

“I had a heatstroke?”

“Yep. It was a pretty nasty one too. You really did a number all over Renjun’s shirt. It was like a vomit Picasso,” Mijoo says, sounding kind of impressed.

Your face burns from humiliation. 

“Here, sit up and drink this water,” she orders, helping you get up. Your head is screaming in pain, like a million little jabs to your brain. You down the water in one big gulp, not realizing just how dehydrated you were until your lips hit the water. 

“So, you and Renjun, huh?” Mijoo asks sheepishly.

If you still had water in your mouth, you would’ve spat it out. “What?”

“Jaehyun told me everything,” she explains.

Traitor, you think to yourself.

“Don’t be mad at him. Renjun looked like a kicked puppy when we saw him. There’s no way I wouldn’t have asked questions,” she says. “Did you break his heart, little sister?”

You sigh, putting the cup back on your nightstand. “I hope not. His heart shouldn’t be broken by someone like me.”

“And what does that mean?”

“It means that he shouldn’t concern himself with me,” you sigh.

“Well, he does. He came to check up on you like a billion times. I had to ban him from coming back until tomorrow,” Mijoo snorts. “He’s a really good guy, you know.”

“Trust me,” you say, rubbing your temples. “I know that better than anyone.”

“So, what’s stopping you? I would be all over that.”

You glare at her before letting out another sigh. “He’s too good for me, Mijoo.” 

“That’s for him to decide, no?” She raises an eyebrow.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m just saying the truth,” you say. 

“So, you won’t mind if I date him?” she asks seriously.

Your face falls instantly, and Mijoo doubles over laughing. 

“Geez, Y/N, you looked like you were about to claw my eyes out!” She wipes away a tear.

“Very funny,” you say dryly. 

“But what if I had been serious? What would you have done then?”

You don’t answer.

“I think you really, really like Renjun, Y/N,” Mijoo whispers loudly.

“I think I love him,” you whisper back.

“Then, you should probably tell him.”

“Yeah, I should,” you echo.

Ignoring the major migraine you have and the fact that you’re still a little sluggish, you throw your covers off of you. You don’t change out of your pajamas, simply throwing a thin cardigan over it. 

“Uh, Y/N, maybe you should wait until you feel be—”

“No, I have do it now before I change my mind,” you cut her off, slipping on your tennis shoes.

You hear Mijoo call after you, but you’re already out of the door. The Athena Cabin isn’t too far from the Aphrodite Cabin, so the walk is short. Much to your surprise once you’re inside, he isn’t there.

Grabbing the nearest Athena kid you see, you ask, “Where’s Renjun?”

“Um, I think he went to the amphitheater?” 

The amphitheater is a bit further, so you promptly release and thank the kid, before taking off. You’re not sure if running is recommended right after a heatstroke, but you do it anyways. By the time you get there, your cardigan is slipping off and you’re dripping with sweat from the humid summer heat. 

The amphitheater is extremely crowded, since there was probably a performance tonight. It’s actually a little hard to see over all the people. However, you find Renjun pretty quickly.

You see him standing off to the side, away from everyone else. He’s staring emptily at the stage, hands tucked inside his pockets. He looks so tired and dejected. His entire body slumps as if it’s too exhausting to stand up straight anymore. 

All because of you.

You wait until you finally catch your breath, opening your mouth to call out to him. But you don’t ever get the chance to because a girl walks up to him. You can’t tell who she is because the back of her head is facing you, and you see Renjun give her a small smile before saying something.

The girl laughs and turns her head, giving you a view of her side profile.

Hwang Yeji.

All of the courage you had inside you withers away like a dying flower.

You take a step back, accidentally bumping into someone behind you. They say something to you, but you don’t hear it at all. Instead, you turn on your heel and run. You run wildly and blindly, nearly whizzing right past your cabin. You’re barely able get back inside, eyes so blurry with tears that you can’t even see where you’re going. 

When Mijoo sees you, she doesn’t ask any questions. She just turns on the shower for you, extra hot. You step in without a word, letting the water mix with the tears running down your face. 

It’s not that you think Renjun is in love with Yeji now. In fact, you know he’s not. It’s just that they would be much better together. 

Yeji is one of the sweetest girls you know. She would treat Renjun with the kindness he deserves. She would consider his feelings first before making him do anything. She would make him happier than you ever could. They would be so compatible, and if you weren’t in love with Renjun yourself, you would definitely be trying to set the two up. 

After your shower, you change into the clothes Mijoo set out for you—an oversized sweater with cotton shorts—and miserably crawl back in bed. You’re so drained that you don’t even have the energy to drink the fresh glass of water on your nightstand. 

Everything hurt—mentally and physically. 

Your heart aches most of all. You’ve dated here and there, gone through some breakups, but nothing has ever been as painful as this. 

It’s a pain that consumes you whole. A pain that makes you want to scream but no sound will come out. A pain that makes you want to tear your heart out. A pain that makes you wish a bunch of aliens abducted you and brainwashed you into not feeling any emotions anymore.

It’s the same pain that you thought you felt from Renjun on the first day of when this all began.

And then the last puzzle piece finally falls into place.

That pain was never his.

It has always been your own.

You love Renjun too, and you’ve loved him for a very long time.

ও DAY FIVE. 

“Come on, Y/N. At least get up to wash your face and brush your teeth,” Mijoo pleads.

You ignore her, pulling your covers over your head and turning away. It’s already well into the afternoon, but you’ve been feigning sick so you didn’t have to get up. The rest of the Aphrodite children have left and gone about their various activities throughout the camp, but Mijoo was tasked by Jaehyun to take care of you.

“If you just do that, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day,” she bargains. 

You think about it for a second before sighing, begrudgingly sitting up. You can see the pity dripping out of her eyes when you brush past her to head to the bathroom. When you see yourself in the mirror, you can understand why.

Puffy eyes, matted hair, tear-stained cheeks, and chapped lips. It’s too bad you hadn’t been wearing mascara last night because the only thing you’re missing in your hot mess look right now are those dark smudges right under your eyes.

You brush you teeth, which takes a lot more effort than you realize, and splash water on your face. Not even bothering to brush your hair, you head straight back to bed. True to her word, Mijoo doesn’t say anything else after that.

That is, until a couple hours later.

“Um, so I know I said I would leave you alone, but I think you might want to get up for this one, Y/N,” she whispers. You can’t see her because you back is turned to her, but you can tell by the tone of her voice that it’s important.

Irritated, you yank the covers off you and sit back up once again. “Mijoo, I—”

You almost choke on air when you realize Mijoo isn’t alone. Renjun is right beside her, looking not much better than you. He’s in a wrinkled t-shirt and sweatpants, his hair looks like he just ran his fingers through it and called it a day, and he has purple bags under his eyes.

“Can we talk?” Renjun asks. 

You hesitantly nod. 

“I’ll, uh, give you two some privacy,” Mijoo says awkwardly before turning around and running out of the cabin. 

You don’t know what to do now, staring down at your clasped hands. You hear Renjun take a step forward, and you feel the edge of your bed dip under his weight. There’s a sizable gap between you and where he’s sitting, but he’s still close enough for his scent to waft over to you. He smells wonderful like usual, and you hope you don’t stink in return.

“How are you feeling?” Renjun asks quietly.

“Like shit,” you answer honestly.

He laughs under his breath. “I know what you mean.” 

Your heart skips a beat, and you feel giddy all of a sudden when you see him smile. How did you manage to turn into a lovesick little schoolgirl over night? 

“I talked to Yeji last night at the amphitheater,” Renjun says after a moment. 

“I know,” you mutter. 

He blinks. “You do? How?” 

You’re not sure how to answer that.

“Well, that doesn’t matter right now,” he dismisses, taking in a deep breath. “I just wanted to tell you that I ran into her after I checked up on you, and she invited me to watch her performance. I wasn’t going to say yes at first, but I thought it would make you happy if I did. I tried, Y/N, I really tried. Yeji’s a nice girl, but I can’t help how I feel. I love you, Y/N. It’s always been you, and it always will be. I’m not asking you to love me back. I just want to stay by your side, as your friend, if you’ll allow it. I—”

“Stop,” you interrupt, scooting closer to him and putting a hand over his mouth. “I have to tell you something.” 

Renjun gives you a bewildered expression but nods nonetheless. 

You remove your hand from his mouth, before taking in a deep breath of your own. “You’re my best friend, Renjun, and I’ve always confided in you for everything. I took you for granted, and I only thought about myself. Deep down, I think I’ve always known about your feelings and my own, but I was afraid to dig for it. I was comfortable, and I didn’t want to ruin that, even though you were hurting. I’m truly sorry for treating you that way, Renjun. From now on, I want you to tell me everything—the good, the bad, the ugly. Don’t bottle things up for my sake.”

He goes to say something, but you hold up your hand to stop him.

“The reason why I knew you were with Yeji at the amphitheater last night is because I was there too. I went to look for you,” you finally confess. “When I decided I was going to find a girlfriend for you, I thought I would be able to step aside when you did find someone. But once I saw you with Yeji, I realized that I couldn’t do it. What I want with you isn’t a friendship anymore. I’m in love with you, Renjun. I have been for a long time, and it took me four, almost five, years to see that because I never thought to listen to my own heart until now. I don’t think I will ever deserve you in his lifetime, but I love you. I’m selfish and I’m a mess and I always cause trouble for you, but I—”

Renjun wraps an arm around your waist and tugs your body flush against his. His hand comes up to cradle your cheek as his thumb lightly runs across your cheekbone. You’re clutching his shirt like a lifeline, holding your breath, as you stare into those gray eyes.

“You,” he whispers, his lips barely brushing against yours, “are more than I deserve.”

He leans in and closes the infinitesimal gap between your mouths. He kisses you desperately, like you’ll disappear any moment, and you can feel all of the emotions he’s been locking away. His arms are wound tightly around you as he pulls you into his lap. You weave your hands through his hair, and he deepens the kiss. Your shirt rides up as you shift, and you feel his hand slip up your shirt and rest against your back. It ignites a fire within you and you want to tell him to take it off completely, but your lungs are screaming for air, so you have no choice but to pull away.

“Sorry,” Renjun says breathlessly, his chest heaving up and down, as he takes his hand out from under your shirt.

“No, I liked it,” you say, shaking your head and placing your forehead against his. “I just ran out of air.”

“No,” he disagrees, “I didn’t mean for it to go that far. It was supposed to be a sweet kiss, but I lost control.” 

He tugs your shirt back down and gently sets you back down next to him. You can’t help but giggle at how flustered he is. It’s not often that Athena children, especially Huang Renjun, loses control of their emotions like that. 

“I’m glad you find this amusing,” he says wryly, rolling his eyes. 

“You know,” you say in a sing-song voice, “I still technically never broke my streak. I found you a girlfriend within five days.”

“Does it really count if you ended up being my girlfriend?” He raises an eyebrow. “Seems a little unprofessional to me.” 

“Don’t be a sore loser,” you taunt.

“You also said you were going to make me fall in love so hard that I’d forget my own name,” he points out. “And I didn’t, so that’s false advertising. Unprofessional and unethical? I could sue you.” 

“You are so petty,” you squint. “And come on! That kiss didn’t make your forget? It made me forget!”

“I don’t like you that much.” He deadpans.

“Huang Renjun, you are so not cute!” 

4 YEARS AGO.

“It’s not my best work, so you can have it,” Renjun says, trying to act casual about it.

You look so happy that Renjun would have painted a thousand more if you asked him to. You have a smile that could make the goddesses envious, and he can barely hear what you’re saying over the thumping of his own heart. He hopes his expression looks somewhat elusive because he’s not sure how to handle himself right now. 

You’re the prettiest girl he’s ever seen in his life. 

Renjun feels like he’s been shot by Eros’ arrow. He used to never understand why everyone was so wary of Eros; he’s basically just a mascot for corny Valentine’s Day cards. Apollo and his children avoid Eros and his children like the plague. Though granted, Eros did force Apollo to fall in love with Daphne and then she ended up turning into a tree. So, there is a little bit of history there. Point being, Renjun just didn’t get it.

But he think he does now.

“Thank you so much!” you say excitedly, extending your hand. “I’m Y/N!”

Renjun just stupidly stares at you. He’s not even sure if he’s worthy to touch your hand, but he also doesn’t want to be rude. He carefully shakes your hand, unable to say a word.

“What’s your name?” you ask, tilting your head. 

Is it possible for a person to be this adorable? he thinks to himself.

“I’m...” 

You’re looking at him, waiting expectantly.

“I’m...”

You’re still smiling, but he can see the slight confusion in your eyes. He’s never felt like more of a moron in his life. 

“Ren...jun,” he finally says after an extreme amount of concentration. 

You beam at him, and he wonders if he’s the only one seeing the ring of light surrounding you. There’s no way you aren’t Aphrodite’s favorite child.

“Nice to meet you, Renjun! Let’s be friends.” 

Renjun isn’t sure he wants to be just friends, but he finds himself nodding along anyways. 

Fuck, he thinks, I’m in trouble.

[lustbile-archive]

Dog Will Hunt

JohnnyxReader

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary/Warnings: Watching slashers with your boyfriend never goes as planned. Nothing crazy just some oral, but spoilers for Texas Chainsaw Masacre I guess? and vaguely described gore.

(also the title is a quote from the second movie, but they watch the first one. I know this don’t @ me)

You flinch at the wet cracking sound of Leatherface hitting the boy with a hammer, your body tensing under Johnny’s as he lays on top of you as you both watch as he inhumanly twitches before the murderer drags the lifeless body away.

You had begged Johnny for days to stay in one night and have a slasher movie night with you, and once you were pouting and telling him you could get pizza from his favorite restaurant down the street, he had easily agreed.

So this is where you found yourself now, you lying on your back in your living room floor on top of piles of blankets and pillows, Johnny sleepily lying on top of you with his head resting on your rib cage, a pizza box that, instead of holding the pizza, had now become home to your growing collection of empty candy wrappers, a few wine coolers by your sides, and the flashing images of teenagers being slowly picked off by a giant murderer wearing a human skin mask dancing on the tv in front of you.

Johnny shifts on top of you as you tense, your heartbeat speeding up slightly as you now watch the pretty girl walk slowly up to the house, the low shot and the way she calls out for her now dead boyfriend instilling you with the anxious knowledge of what her demise would be.

“Nooo don’t go in there,” you murmur to yourself without thinking, Johnny quietly laughing into the skin of your stomach that he rests his face on from him shoving your shirt up below your chest before he would lay down. He’d always had a thing with skin on skin contact when you two cuddled, but that didn’t stop your teasing when you pointed out him wanting to press his face against your bare skin may be a little weird considering the things the murderer in the movie you were about to watch liked to do with skin.

You’re so distracted and nervous from watching the girl trip throughout the house, kicking at discarded bones in fear and disgust, you don’t notice what Johnny is up to at first. You don’t register his lips pressing against the skin below your ribs, and you only assume his shifting down is him trying to get more comfortable.

It’s when you feel his tongue that you’re ripped away from watching Leatherface start to chase the girl. You try to keep your attention on the screen as he lays warm open mouthed kisses down your stomach, his hands trailing your side as he moves slowly down your body. You groan out in what you hope reads as disappointment to the eager boy that rests between your legs, but you know better than anyone that once he’s got himself on a mission it’s almost impossible to pull him out of it.

“This is one of the most iconic horror scenes ever you know?” you ask rhetorically as you weakly swat at the retreating top of his head, only getting a muffled laugh and lowering kisses in response. There’s a wash of shame that fills your chest when you can feel yourself getting wet at the feeling of his touch while such a gorey movie plays, but you can only grumble in response, “is this really what gets you going John? Teenagers getting murdered?”

You turn your head to see at that moment is when the girl is caught by Leatherface, her legs kicking and thrashing in the air for only a moment before he’s shoving her onto one of the meat hooks as she screams in pain.

“Yeah all that screaming and stuff reminds me of how you get,” he taunts as he sits up long enough to start tugging at your pajama shorts, the way you lift your hips to aid in the fabric being pulled down is enough to tell him you want this more than you’re letting on, “and the chainsaw noise kinda reminds me of the vibrator you like so much.”

“I’m gonna go Leatherface on your ass I swear to god,” you kick at his stomach as he laughs, not hard enough to hurt him but enough to please him with your dramatics. He’s also a big fan of how your squirming gives him a better opportunity to catch the bends of your knees in his hands and spread you open for his greedy eyes.

“You can kill me and have my skin after I make you come Ed Gein,” he digs one last time before he lays back onto his stomach, an evil grin filling his face as you scoff.

“Gross don’t call me that,” you protest, your physical response contradicting your words and attitude as you relax back into the blankets beneath you. He may be a weirdo at times, especially when he decides to refer to you by the name of an actual murderer, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s skilled with his tongue and you’d be a fool to deny yourself from experiencing it.

You hear him repeat your words quietly in a mocking tone, but before you can retort, his mouth is on you. His hands still hold onto your legs, shoving them up and to the side, almost enough to strain the muscle, and he shows no hesitation when he lays his tongue flat against you, dragging it slowly from the bottom of your opening and up until the top of his tongue is digging into your clit.

You feel yourself clench around nothing at the feeling, the muscles in your shoulders and back melting further into the fabric as he repeats the motion again. The pleasure and the way you drip on his tongue is almost enough to drown out the sounds of Pam screaming while her boyfriend is chopped to pieces.

“You’re a freak,” you groan as he sucks on your skin. He groans against you in response to words and the way your hands move to weave your fingers into his hair. He picks up lapping against you again when your nails scrape at his scalp, and you feel your eyes rolling at the feeling.

He loses himself easily when he goes down on you, this time, even with the creaking sounds of the film surrounding you, is no different. You feel him relax against you and his hands let go of your legs as he sucks your clit between his full lips. With them free, your legs fall to rest against his back and his hands trail up your torso until they’re pushing under your shirt and grasping at your bare chest.

Your hips rock up into his face all but using his tongue as a sex toy he drools onto your skin. His nails scratch at the sensitive skin of your chest before he starts tugging at your nipples making you whine and pant.

In your squirming, your head falls to the side and you’re greeted with the sight of him gently rocking his hips into the blankets below him. Seeing him so lost in pleasing you that he’s started to seek his own pleasure has you reeling, and you both let out matching moans when his simultaneously hits a certain spot both on you and himself.

“Make me come Johnny,” you say sweetly, your bubbly tone coated in arousal sends shocks of electricity directly to where he grinds against the floor. His tongue gets more eager at your simple request, and his hands leave your chest to lock tightly against your legs, pushing you tightly against his unrelenting mouth.

You can feel your body shifting up, desperately trying to escape the pleasure that bleeds from his mouth. He only moves with you, using the shifting to help pleasure himself. He only lays a few more licks against your sensitive clit before you feel your skin warm and you’re teetering on the edge.

He lets out an animalistic groan against you, pushing you over. You feel your stomach tighten and your eyes roll back hard enough for them to ache, and you’re coming harshly on his tongue. Your mouth hangs open letting you quiet moans slip out and your back arches off the floor.

He licks you through your orgasm, his own rocking through him as he thrusts roughly against the floor, the taste of you combined with the way your fingers tug at his hair being his own personal demise. You two lay there jerking and moaning against the other, while the movie continues to blare in front of you. His tongue becomes more desperate as he comes and it feels like every movement he lays on you sends shocks of pleasure up your spine.

He finally lets go, after turning your brain to liquid with aftershocks, and as he sits up you see the way the evidence of your orgasm coats his mouth and chin and the heavy rise and fall of his chest as he tries to catch his breath.

There’s a moment where you stare at each other dumbly, trying to pull yourselves back to reality and out of the torturous bubble of pleasure you had been trapped in moments ago.

He recovers quicker than you, flopping ungraciously down onto your still shiver form to press his mouth harshly against yours. The taste of you is so prominent on his tongue you can’t help but groan at the taste.

Your hands fly up to the side of his face, holding him against you as you lick into each other's mouths, and you can feel the grins forming on your lips as you kiss.

He breaks away, only for a moment, his eyes squinting and staring into yours before he speaks, “you might want to restart the movie.”

[herinsectreflection]

Buffy vs Dracula is an underrated episode. The standard takes on this episode seem to range from “it’s dumb but fun” to “it’s dumb”. But I think this episode is more than that. It’s an assault on the narrative from another story. It’s main plot isn’t “Dracula comes to Sunnydale to fight Buffy”. It’s “Dracula tries to replace Buffy the Vampire Slayer”.  

Joss Whedon has been quoted saying his original vision of Buffy stems from the image of a blonde girl in an alley with a monster - but instead of getting killed by the monster, she kills it. The base inspiration for the show is this simple subversion. How much this was an actual common trope is up for debate - it’s not uncommon for horror movies to feature a spunky blonde “Final Girl” who defeats the villain at the end, but at the very least it was a subversion of the perceived trope, and iconic for that reason. The very opening scene of the show is an homage to this subversion, with the blonde girl turning out to be the dangerous vampire.

The high school years are basically a story of Buffy accepting her role as the Hero. She takes on the responsibilities of the Slayer in S1, faces the difficult choices that the Slayer must make in S2, and throws off the shackles of authority in S3. By the time we reach Buffy vs Dracula, she has fully claimed her role and incorporated into her identity. So now we see the purest example of that foundational image. Buffy isn’t just subverting the scene by seeming to be a victim only to turn around and kick the monster’s arse. She’s totally flipped the script and stepped into the role of the monster (in a good way, she’s still the Hero). She is no longer a victim who successfully fights back - she is the hunter, chasing down the terrified vampire. She has totally effectuated the show’s original vision.

Dracula threatens that. He enters from a different story - an older, more conventional story, where the vampire threatens the beautiful, innocent, helpless virgin. And he offers Buffy knowledge of her Slayer powers that she does not have. The idea he presents is a dangerous one - what if the narrative that Buffy foundationally rails against is actually right? What if it has some wisdom that Buffy must receive? Buffy has gone up against in-universe symbols of authority before - the Watchers, the Mayor’s office, the military - but this is beyond that. This is authority on a meta level. It’s the tradition of fiction built by and for straight white men, that dictates the acceptable tropes and techniques of future fiction. A self-sustaining patriarchy of the pen. 

Buffy’s immediate reaction is to dismiss Dracula and the narrative tropes he represents as irrelevant - posturing crap, like the fanboys calling themselves Lestat. She sarcastically asks him if he knows what a Slayer is - i.e. if he knows what show he’s in. His simple response - “Do you?” - is effectively disarming. Perhaps they are in one of Dracula’s movies now. Dracula and the Slayer are both held up as icons of vampire fiction, each having heard of the other’s legend. The question posed by the episode is whether the icon of Dracula is more powerful than the icon of Buffy.

This episode is scrapping it out with The Zeppo as possibly the most meta episode of the series. Throughout, the characters are crazy aware of their own narrative roles. Willow refers to the group as the sidekicks in the opening scene. Xander fights back against his assigned role at the Renfield (aka. The Butt Moneky) of this story. Giles seems aware that the necessity of his role as a mentor is rapidly declining. Buffy’s prevents Dracula’s post-climax comeback explicitly thanks to Buffy having seen his movies. (This also doubles as another S1 callback, given how much that season loved the sequel tease ending). There is an intentional unreality to the proceedings; an awareness of the fictional nature of the show that invites us to see Dracula not as a character, but as a narrative cipher; an image reflecting another kind of story. Giles even helpfully tells us that the key to defeating him is separating fact from fiction - i.e. understanding and learning to control the narrative around them.

From the moment he enters the frame, Dracula does not fit. With his black cloak and heavy white makeup, he is absurd pretentiousness next to Xander’s hawaiin shirt and mocha slushie. He comes with a set of powers totally contradictory to this universe. It’s handwaved away as “showy [romani traveller] stuff” by Spike, but the obvious usefulness of these powers makes that handwave insufficient. Rather, it feels like Dracula’s presence is warping the rules of this world. He has stepped in from another fictional universe to bend the logic of this one. Buffy starts to lose control of her own show as Dracula’s power rises. This is a character whose narrative gravity is so strong he can make a “great honking castle” spontaneously appear in Sunnydale. 

The switch of power comes in the scene where Dracula enters Buffy’s bedroom. It is eventually explained that Joyce invited him in earlier, but it doesn’t even feel strange at first that he enters without an invitation - it’s just another way that Dracula has distorted the narrative. This scene is intimate and disturbing, because it’s not a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a scene from Nosferatu. It’s the classic image of the vampire coming in through the window to feed on the young woman. Buffy is unable to fight Dracula because she has lost control over her own story, and it is becoming Dracula’s.

The interesting part is that this isn’t just Buffy being consumed by the Dracula story because he’s just that more powerful an icon than her. There’s an ambiguously voluntary aspect to it. Buffy wants information, to understand her own power better. She lets herself become enthralled to get what she needs from this traditional narrative. But that’s a dangerous slope - in these older narratives, every woman was a victim, so by metaphorically inviting this story in, she lessens her own power.

She never completely relents it though. There is an interestingly gendered dynamic here. Initially, all the girls (sans Tara) are kind of enamoured with Dracula’s intrigue and apparent sex appeal, while the boys are universally unimpressed and dismissive of him. But as the story goes on, it’s only male characters who surrender entirely to the new narrative. Xander’s will is bent and he completely becomes the Renfield of the story. Gile’s is rendered completely useless by the three wives. Perhaps because these stories traditionally center men, it is men who more easily relinquish control to it.

Buffy arrives at Dracula’s Big Honking Castle, and tries to flip the script back on Dracula, but fails at first. She has let him in and so his narrative gravity is stronger. He offers his blood - his life, his knowledge, his valuable wisdom - to her, and tells her to “find her nature”. He wants her to relent totally to his narrative. What Dracula doesn’t realise is that these are contradictory. He thinks that Buffy is a character in a Dracula story, where she can only be a victim seduced into darkness. But Buffy’s nature, her fundamental essence, means the fundamental essence of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And so we go back to that foundational image - that trope subversion on which Buffy is built. The flashes Buffy sees - the first Slayer, the vampire running through the graveyard - these all appear in the opening titles. It’s as if Buffy, when asked to see her nature, sees the opening titles of her own show. 

She quips - “That was gross” - and suddenly the script is flipped. Buffy has reclaimed the fundamental nature of the show, and now Dracula is a character in a Buffy story again. She literally uses the iconography of Dracula - the flaming torches on the castle wall - against him. He tries to use his Dracula powers again, but Buffy has reclaimed the narrative, so they don’t work. She demonstrates that she understands his story better than he understood hers, and so can use that power to defeat him. Buffy beats Dracula because Buffy the Vampire Slayer beats Dracula.

[hockeylvr59]

Lost and Found || William Nylander

Requested: [x] yes [ ] no

Authors Note: Request was for #4 of the soulmate prompts. I loved the suggestions so much. I know it took me forever but hopefully, you see it and enjoy it. 

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1,413

______________

“You have to get lost before you can be found.” 

Growing up you were in awe of the quote your parents had painted on your bedroom wall. When you were really little they told you that the quote applied to knowledge, to personal growth. It wasn’t until you were a teenager that you learned that it actually applied to finding your soulmate. You see, though no one knew how it worked, when someone lost something it was magically found by their soulmate. It only worked, however, when something was truly lost, you’d know because you’d tried to circumvent the system a time or two “losing” things like a piece of paper with your phone number on it or pictures of yourself. No...destiny seemed to know when you were trying to cheat the system and she wasn’t a fan. 

By your early twenties, you’d given up trying to rig the system and settled with waiting to meet your soulmate...hoping that it wouldn’t take too long. You’d known from the time you became a teenager that he existed, there was no question about it. You knew it because you were constantly finding random things. Ticket stubs, men’s socks, even once a jockstrap. The more things you found, the more you questioned just how scatterbrained your soulmate could be. Lately though, your finds have been less gross and more….green. It seemed like once a week that you were finding money lying on the ground, tucked between the couch cushions, in a jacket pocket. And while for the most part, they were small bills, you’d found hundreds more than once. 

The first time you’d found money you questioned what you should do with it. And for a while, you tucked it all in an envelope in your nightstand. But then the money kept coming and well it certainly seemed like your soulmate was well enough off and he was your soulmate so you found yourself spending some of it here and there grateful for the little boons in your life. 

Now it wasn’t like you hadn’t lost things yourself before. You’d lost money a few times yourself, earrings would fall out on occasion, and you were certain that your soulmate had a collection of ponytails and bobby pins a mountain high by now. But you’d never really lost anything important. 

So when you stepped outside of Scotiabank arena and reached into your pocket for your phone to find it missing, you panicked. Losing your phone was everyone’s worst nightmare and while you were someone comforted by the fact that your soulmate would likely find it rather than some stranger a part of you reminded yourself that your soulmate technically was a stranger. Thankfully you’d driven yourself to the game so you had both keys and a car because you couldn’t imagine being stranded in Toronto without a phone to order an Uber. Still, by the time you made it home you were in tears about the fact that you’d lost something so important. You didn’t fully understand the blessing it would turn out to be. 

~~~

Basking in the feeling of a hard-fought win and a goal, Will smiled his way through media before returning to his locker to change. Pulling his pants up over his hips he reached down to grab the fabric of his dress shirt and instead his fingers made contact with something hard. Looking down, he spotted a phone tucked into his pile of clothing….a phone that definitely hadn’t been there earlier. The first thing that came to mind was whether this was part of some prank by his teammates. But the phone case was a glittery leafs logo and when he picked it up and pressed the lock button a photo of a group of girls including the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen appeared. 

His heart stopped for a moment before it began racing, his brain finally establishing that this was something his soulmate had lost. For years he’d wondered what she was like and now he somehow knew that he was looking at her. As the sounds of his teammates filled his ears, Will quickly pocketed the phone, throwing the rest of his clothes on before heading out to his car. It was only once inside that he pulled the phone from his pocket, his finger hovering over the home button. 

To his surprise, the phone unlocked. 

Though he didn’t want to invade her privacy, William reasoned that he could only get the phone back to her if he did a little snooping. Deciding that opening her messages might give him a lead of who could get him in contact with her, he pressed the icon and the last active conversation opened. Inside was a string of sent pictures….pictures of him. 

Following the pictures was a received text: Fuck you’re so goddamn lucky. Damn chemistry for keeping me from being there right beside you. 

I know right? He looks so cute tonight. I might need you to revive me later when I recap the game for you. 

She had been there. She had watched him score, had taken pictures of him and he didn’t even know she was there. She was attracted to him and didn’t even know that he was her soulmate. It was almost cruel and unusual punishment when he had been waiting to find her for so long. Staring at the phone for a moment longer he ran his fingers through his hair before composing a message. 

Hey so uh...I’m your friend’s soulmate and she lost her phone at the Leafs game tonight and uh...I’d like to get it back to her. 

The moment the message sent Will started overthinking it. Of course, this was her soulmate, who else would have found her lost phone? And did he sound too creepy? Would her friend think he was crazy and refuse to help him? 

She’s been freaking out! Where did you find it? 

William really didn’t know how to answer that without admitting who he was so he decided to stay vague. 

Was between two articles of clothing when I went to change. 

That was totally both true and vague not saying where he was when he found it. 

So uh...she said to give you her address if you don’t mind dropping the phone off tonight? She’s kind of going crazy without it. 

Yeah, no problem. 

He would drive to Buffalo if it meant meeting her. The address came through quickly and after plugging it into his navigation, he pulled out of the parking garage. Driving through downtown, his palms began to sweat and by the time he stopped in front of the building his GPS directed him to, he honestly felt like he was going to pass out. 

With her phone gripped tightly in his hand, he stepped into the building and rode the elevator up to the proper floor. His body ran solely on autopilot until he was standing in front of her door, his fist raised to knock. 

Three short raps against the wood were going to change his life forever. William’s heart was in his throat as he waited for the door in front of him to open but once it did, he felt a wave of peace crash over him. 

“My phone. Thank god.” She proclaimed. Suddenly his eyes met hers and a breathy ‘no way’ fell from her lips. 

“I think this is yours.” He mumbled, offering the phone out to her. 

“You….you’re….” Suddenly feeling shy, Will nodded, his left hand reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck. 

Taking the phone, Will watched as she slipped it into the pocket of the sweats she was wearing. Then suddenly she was stretching onto her toes and her arms wrapped around his neck, drawing him down into a soft kiss. She tasted like heaven and Will dropped his arms to drape gently around her waist. Standing in her doorway they kissed until they both needed to breathe and when she pulled away the smile on her face was the best thing he’d ever seen. 

“Suddenly that crush makes a whole lot more sense.” She whispered, a sparkle in her eyes. A booming laugh filled Will’s chest making her smile even brighter if that was possible. Stepping back, she reached out a hand silently inviting him inside and Will eagerly accepted, ready to spend the rest of forever losing himself in her. 

[azakanas]

I. Affiliation

This is an Independent Canon divergent Yone rp blog. I have no ties with Riot Games, nor do I claim ownership of the character or game. I simply role play the character I have grown to love and adore for so long. The only things I own on this blog are art I may or may not post unless stated otherwise.

This is my take on Yone. Keep in mind, he can and will hurt your muse if provoked, I won't dull that down. I do not condone his acts. Do not confuse mun with muse. If he is not your cup of tea the unfollow/block button is at the top.

II. Basic Rules

NO GODMODDING! That one is pretty self explanatory and obvious. Just don’t do it. It isn’t fun for anyone.

Tag your content, as i tag mine! ESPECIALLY NSFW!

Don’t send hate/anon hate. You’re just wasting your own time and i simply just ignore and block anyways ^^

Racist, Transphobic, Homphobic, etc. muns are NOT welcome here.

Please cut your posts!

I AM NOT A MEME SOURCE! REBLOG FROM THE SOURCE!

Yes, I interact with OCS but I will not follow everyone.

THIS BLOG IS 18+ meaning no minors. Sorry but I am an adult and at times I do rp and reblog adult content. I also do not want to babysit anyone.

Turning asks into threads are highly encouraged! You don't have to ask!

I have dyslexia and bad anxiety that sometimes trouble reading and understanding and this may come out in my role playing. I try to catch my mistakes before I complete a response but I’m not perfect.

III. Replies

Replies can take a long time as Tumblr is not my main focus. A nudge or poke about our rp is a-ok! I’m so scatterbrained. However, nagging will earn you a block if my warning is ignored.

I usually try to respond to my threads equally, but if I am enjoying a role play thread a lot more I may prioritize it. Do not come at me complaining, I will get to your response when I get time.

Remember, Role Play is a hobby.

IV. Interactions

I am non-selective, this means I interact with anyone and everyone this includes Ocs, & other fandoms. However if your oc has no bio or is just a “big tiddy anime cat girl” I may not interact.

The fandoms I refuse to interact with and block are; mha, homestuck, genshin impact, killing stalking, ybc, mcyt, & danganronpa.

Respect this or leave, experience with those rpcs have made me very uncomfortable. If you like it that is okay, just keep it away from me :)

V. Shipping

I’m a complete shipping whore! Feel free to hit up Yone I ship him with pretty much anything! I love the idea of crack and new ships too. The only things I won’t ship with Yone are underage muses. Gross.

My Yone is bi!

If you're one of those Yasuo/Yone shippers please leave because that's fucking disgusting, please seek help. They are brothers. And I have a zero tolerance policy for it. Those who come to me and try to validate fucking incest get blocked on sight <3

VI. Verses

Be sure to request which Yone you would like or else it default to main! Below are the other verses I have for Yone;

YOUNG

SPIRIT BLOSSOM

BATTLE ACADEMIA

DAWNBRINGER

VII. Tags

For aesthetic reasons in my tags of posts I have special tags from Yone’s actual quotes with special text. More tags can be added any time!

BLOCK THIS TAG TO NOT SEE MY NSFW STUFF! THIS WILL BE HERE UNTIL TUMBLR FIXES ITS SHIT

ᴅᴏɴ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴜᴄᴄᴜʙɪ'ꜱ ᴍᴀꜱᴋ. ( nsfw )

VIII. NSFW

NSFW is welcomed, this can include sexual themes, gore and violence which all will be appropriately tagged. Any smut I might write will be under a read more. Yone will not just jump into sex with you, that’s where ship chemistry comes into play. I will NOT engage in any sexual stuff with muns & muses -18.

Other nsfw regarding violence, Yone can and will hurt you if you provoke him. You have been warned. More in depth violence can be role played upon request, tagged appropriately. I will not control or kill off your muse without permission. I ask you do the same.

IX. FAQ

Why haven’t you responded to our thread?

Many reasons could be why, I am getting to yours, I am simply busy, or i could have dropped it if it was no fun or you gave me nothing to work with. I rarely drop threads though.

Why did you block me?

You might have broken my rules, could have been nagging me about responses constantly when i gave you reason, you attacking my friends, anon hate or just being a dick in general. I get enough salt from playing LOL alone.

Do you use icons?

Yes, all credited on my credits page! You do not have to use icons.

Am I allowed to add social medias you link?

Hell yeah, I’m always looking to make new friends.

[ziracona]

hey zira, what are your hot takes on all of the fo4 companions?

Haha, I don’t know how hot they are, but I can give you a speed run! (Also I am very excited to get this. FO4 was the first open world game I ever played and just the concept of that and the hugeness of the world and branching story & sudden feeling changes towards me in companion characters totally blew my mind, & it still lives rent free in my heart).

Ada, Old Longfellow, and Strong I /still/ haven’t maxed despite having too many hundred hours to want to list on this game—the former bc they were DLC, Strong because honest to god I left him at a nice settlement and then completely forgot about him and remembering that I am the energy in this Ryan O’Flanagan video but abt leaving my super mutant in a tiny settlement alone. I will get there! To max affinity I mean. But anyway, I don’t truly know those three, so my takes are incomplete. So far though, I really like Ada. She is a good girl just trying her best. Fucks me up I can tell her to self destruct. Even though I feel sure she would ignore me, I cannot imagine ever saying that to her. It was really sweet she was willing to forgive the Mechanist and move on with her life. A good girl. Longfellow I am maxing rn (was last time I played anyhow). I enjoy him. Gruff grumpy old man but he seems quite decent and I like his idle banter and when he sings to himself a lot. Seems like he’s had it rough. Strong I liked. He’s wild, and I loved how insane meeting him was, and am worried about him eventually understanding poetry and how that might mess up his sense of world understanding. But he’s a chill dude in his own way and I am glad they gave us at least one nice super mutant.

For the companions I actually do know like the back of my hand, the speedrun:

Nick Valentine: Best man on earth. One of two fictional characters I ever called husband. I would die kill or live for him. I want to be 1/4th the man Nick Valentine is. One of the best characters ever period and I adore literally everything about him. It fucked me up early in game where right after he offered to basically risk destroying his mind to help a stranger look for her son, he asked me how I was doing. First character in the entire game to do that. His first companion dialogue is abt how you’re doing TuT. The man is very kind and forgiving and fair, but knows when the draw the line and take no shit. Emotionally mature, kind, caring, longsuffering. Incredibly damaged and broken by life, but holding on and living kindly and to help others anyway. One of the four most marryablen fictional men I’ve ever seen.

Preston Garvey: Brave, kind, sweet man. I would defend him with my life. He really just wants so bad to make the world better and life has been so hard, but he’s still trying. A beautiful and underrated companion and I would throw hands for him on sight. I adore how he whistles. A true and gentle and loyal friend. Take him to Quincy and let him get his justice it’s what he deserves. People who hate him because he tries to get help helping civilians in that game are weak. I love him so much... please give him enough time to reach max affinity he’s so worth it.

Deacon: *To the tune of You Are My Dad* You are my friiiiend! You’re my friend! (Boogie woogie woogie). Initially, he pissed me off bc he lies all the god damn time, but after we got close enough he actually trusted me, he stole my heart and I would also die for Deacon. He’s a really good person who thinks he’s shit because of who he was on his past. Also him 🤝 Preston: massive survivor’s guilt. They should be friends. Poor Deacon has been the last member of the Railroad like four times, and it’s awful. Help him. Give him love and support. He’s one of my all time faves. Also, Railroad hands down best faction and if you kill them for any reason other than like a walkthrough route video and I ever get the chance I would 100% clock you in the face as hard as I can, like going for losing teeth, and feel no guilt. I know it’s a game and that’s wrong, and I’d be wrong, but I’d still do it. Also, Ryan Alosio (his VA) saw me do cosplay for Deacon once and told me it was great and it filled me with even more love. Anyway Deacon is great. Also, his whole “There are other organisations out there. And, in time, I'm sure they're going to spoon-feed you their own patented form of bullshit. Ignore the verbage and look at what they're doing. What they're asking you to do. What sort of world they'd have you build and how they're going to pay for it.” Is one of the like, two most iconic quotes in all of FO4 & just super good in general.

Hancock: Hardcore badass man but also a good dude and a champion for the people. Man really puts his money where his mouth is and you gotta respect that; another favorite companion for sure. Big fan of the way he stabs a guy for you upon meeting, and is a cool leader who organized his crime and does a decent job actually leading. He works hard to help people and bites back hard. Social justice advocate, dangerous man about town, not afraid to cosplay a revolutionary war hero 24/7 & u gotta respect the no fucks given attitude. A chill dude. Like that he fights the institute, hates the Brotherhood, helps the Railroad, and is friends with Nick. He’s legit af. Also, his VA gives a different answer every time someone asks him about the voice he did for hancock and they’re funny af.

Piper Wright: A cool spunky lady. Lois Lane on the case, kicking butt, and taking name. She’s nice but also hardcore and smart, supportive, fun. A good person. You always get points if you like Nick (which most companions do), and they’re good friends. She’s funny and I love her. A good heart.

Codsworth: He’s great. He’s family. He’s like my...weird brother. Getting to max affinity is heartwarming and also makes my heart go :’-] . Great early-game companion bc he kicks ass and doesn’t need stims to heal. I love getting called by my name and think that was a great feature (well, my PC’s name). He’s a wonderful funky little robot dude and I am so glad he likes me.

Dogmeat: Amazing. A good boy. Doggo of the year. His actor deserved the game award she won. Cute, full of love, and plays with a teddy bear if you give him one. 100/10z

Cait: I like her a lot. She’s been through so much shit, and it makes sense she is how she is. I like they actually gave her an emaciated and messy (though still pretty) design, since she is a drug addict. And that they make her main quest about taking that seriously and wanting to get help, and that she’ll call out the player if they fuck around and do drugs in front of her after she gets rehabilitated. Her relationship to the PC if good is really sweet, and I am a fan. I like that while she’s not sympathetic to synths and thinks they aren’t people, she forgets that every time Nick walks into a room and is like “Oh hey Nicky : )”. She’s a good girl who has been through a lot and still needs time to heal and find herself, but she’s making great strides.

Robert Joseph MacCready: Human disaster (loving). Homeboy a goddamn /mess/ but I love him. He tries so hard to be cool. I love he makes you pay him to come with, then chickens out and gives it back lol. A fool ball of anxiety and bad decisions and what he thinks brovado is. I wish he, Preston, and Deacon would quit fighting, bc I am always like “ :’-] </3 Boys Please” when they swap out, but I love them just the same. He’s doing his best, he’s just stupid and a fool. Like Philip J Fry. Keeping his goddamn soldier toy, which somehow is listed as junk instead of sent to Misc with quest items where it would be fine, safe?parylizes me with fear. I’ve lost 2 hours of gameplay reloading an old save bc I accidentally lost it.

X6-88: A more complex one to answer about. He’s bad, but like, I’m pretty sympathetic to how he got that way. He was created in a lab and had his emotions mostly dragged out of him in intense psychologically damaging training so he would be a weapon and view himself as an object. I was relieved he chose me over the institute even if he wasn’t a fan of the chocie, and think that means there’s a lot of hope for him. Wish he’d chill the fuck out and quit intimidating civilians for 6 god damn seconds, but I like him. I bring him fancy lad snack cakes home from travels all the time, bc Synths are supposed to like them. Really like that he’s the /most/ sympathetic companion towards Danse in Blind Betrayal, even though he should not be programmed for that, and Danse hated him and made it clear any time they interacted.

(EDIT) Curie: I FORGOT HER BABY IM SO SORRY. I like Curie a lot, despite the fact I temporarily forgot she existed. I stg I thought she was in here. Uhhh, okay. Curie: like her character and personality, HUGE un-fan of both the way her desire to get a synth body is to be ‘more real,’ as if Codsworth isn’t a fully realized person while the same robot type she is, instead of just like. Because it would make her happy. ALSO hate how much of a Born Sexy Yesterday she is, even intentionally in not-determinate affinity talks. It’s gross. But her herself, I like a lot. She’s my daughter and I will protect her. She works at The Castle right now as their on-site medic.

Paladin Danse: I know I’m gonna take heat for this but honestly? He didn’t do much for me. I like that he looks and sounds kinda like Buzz Lightyear, and that’s fun, but idk at all why people think he’s so hot. He’s very boring & generic looking to me. Like you’re valid! Taste all be different. But he doesn’t do it for me personally in looks or personality. I don’t at all like, hate him. Or even dislike. Tbh I am fairly neutral on him. It was funny making affinity with him though. Every other companion I had maxed, I liked more and more with each affinity talk. They’d be like “So my dad was a minuteman and died and I want to honor him” or “I just want to really feel like I’m a person, for real, myself, and I am glad I met you, because the good we have achieved together is ours, even if I can’t be sure of anything else,” or “My brother threw the cultural minorities out of our city for clout bc the rich citizens were all racist, and I tried to help—I snuck them food to the unsafe ruins they set up in for weeks, but eventually, they just vanished, and I still bear immense guilt and self-hatred over not having stopped that.” And Danae’s would be like “One time a buddy of mine got kidnapped by super mutants. They turned him into one of them, and they’re all abominations, so I killed him and it made me really sad.” And I was just like “...Oh danse. I really wanted to like you more. But what the fuck.” His relationship to Haylen is sweet though. And ofc I saved him in Blind Betrayal. I blew up the Prydwin so he’s safe now too, and he lives in the garden by my house and tells me how glad he is we’re friends, and I’m p into that. Overall, my feelings on him are not strong at all though.

Porter Gage: Not a fan. Like, I appreciated he helped me kill the old boss, sure. And bc I owed him for that, I went to max affinity to see what there was to him as a person. And like, as far as raiders go, he was okay. But he wasn’t deeply sympathetic, and he’s a slaver, and if you try to liberate the slaves he and the others own, he /will/ turn on and attempt to murder you immediately, no matter how close you were, so he made his choice, and it was to be a bad person and an asshole to the last. Really enjoyed the VA’s work a lot on him tho.

And there you have it 👈👈😎. Thanks for asking!

[ranibell]

Disney Fairies Shipping Rant

(Warning: unpopular opinions ahead. You may disagree, but I’ll defend my opinions! I don’t mean offense to any of the people who like certain pairings in this series--what you like isn’t a reflection of you as a person, or your intelligence or heart, it’s that simple--I just have a hard time understanding why it is some of these are as popular as they are.)

I marked 4 “NOTPs” on that shipping meme, and...let’s talk about it, I guess!

I’ll start simple. Tink/Bobble:

This was particularly big back in the day with the first couple of TB movies before the majority latched onto Tink/Vidia. I never really “got it” but for the most part I wouldn’t have ever had reason to dislike them as a ship if it hadn’t been for the shippers themselves...

I liked Terence as a character, as well as his relationship with Tink, and the Bobble/Tink fans were very vocal about disparaging Terence in favor of Bobble, when that’s really unnecessary. It’s possible to like an underrated character without the need to bash a popular one just because you’re personally not interested in them.

I basically won’t go into it any more than I have in the past--after I did a two-part video reading of comments on this one Tink/Bobble fan art piece, I wrote up my feelings here and it still stands up. Basically the sight of the ship leaves a bad taste in my mouth not because of the characters involved themselves, but by the attitude the ship seemed to be entirely based on.

The only thing I would add is that I ship Bobble/Clank and to me, they’re as good as an old married couple that just wasn’t confirmed because it’s Disney :(

Clarion/Milori:

What can I even say? I’ve ranted extensively on my old blog, but to rehash, here’s the deal: There was no reason Milori’s character needed to be invented in the first place. The major plot holes and inconsistencies in The Secret of the Wings seemed to have prompted his becoming a character, but I think more importantly it was for the cliche, forced “forbidden romance” sub-plot between him and Clarion.

They didn’t need to replace the female Minister of Winter from her position to bring in this Lord of Winter, his role and existence wasn’t properly set up, and his backstory + relationship with Queen Clarion wasn’t developed at all, they just relied on the fact that having a tragically star-crossed love interest who’s attractive is enough for people to accept at face value.

And they were right, I guess... 🙄

So again, for me it’s not that the pairing of these two characters in inherently a bad thing, but it has never tracked for me that such an underdeveloped, boring pairing is one of the most popular in the fanbase, like most people just accepted it because it was canon and I’m like “we’re allowed to....NOT ship canon pairings, if they add nothing to the characters and story...you don’t have to just accept it”

Zarina/James:

This is another one that is a majorly popular ship in the fanbase, and to me it’s similar to shipping Anna with Hans, but possibly even worse. He manipulated her and tried to get away with murdering her. In James’ case, he emotionally/psychologically manipulated Zarina for A YEAR before betraying her and then tossing her into the sea to die.

There are a lot of people who think Hans should be able to have a redemption plotline, and I’ll make no comment about that, but the big difference between him and James is that we KNOW Hook will never be redeemed. We know he has never and will never feel remorse about his actions or treatment of Z.

He goes on to become the most fearsome pirate of all time, murdering without second thought--and still goes on to manipulate Tink and capture her in a lantern, because, I quote, “a jealous female can be tricked into anything.” His line in TPF mirrors this attitude (“Fairies are such gullible creatures”) so like....he is and will always be a misogynist who never held respect for Z or Tink or any fairy/female.

Also, The Pirate Fairy was as poorly written as SotW if not more so, and Z herself wasn’t a well-developed character, so I should say “to each their own” for anyone who wanted to believe there was chemistry between Z + James and ship them, but it’s gross and disgusting and wrong. (no offense)

Tink/Vidia:

Back to something much less sinful, but even more heretical within this fanbase. Vidia is one of THE most popular fairies from the movies, and Tink/Vidia is one of the most popular ships. That’s fine. My stance happens to be different, because I guess I don’t view things the exact same way.

Vidia was cruel to Tink at first--and she’s nowhere near as bad as James; she’d never seriously want to hurt/kill somebody. But even after she is redeemed from her antagonist position....she’s honestly still pretty b*tchy to her so-called “friends.” I won’t be forgetting the scene in Legend of the Neverbeast anytime soon when Gruff sneezes/gets snot on them, Rosetta says “ew, my mouth was open!” and Vidia replies “It’s always open.” Like, there’s just no need for that, ever, it’s mean-spirited and didn’t need to be said, it didn’t help anything.

People seem to love sarcastic characters with a secret heart of gold, but I just can’t dig the way Vidia is treated like this amazing character just because she didn’t turn out to be genuinely evil, no matter how her attitude stayed. In the books, her character is more interesting to me--and she’s portrayed as a mean person, but also she knows it and the narrative doesn’t treat her like one of the girls who, oh, it’s just okay that she treats her friends poorly!

So yeah, Tink/Vidia never sat right with me. Also, within the books, they actually hate each other, not even like a sassy frenemy relationship, they can’t stand each other. Tink does NOT have a lot of patience--she would never stand for Vidia’s nasty attitude and just not call her out on it every time. They would never work in a relationship.

So, the reason people will hate me for having this opinion is because many seem to embrace Vidia as this lesbian icon (like those posts about how if she was your favorite fairy growing up, you’re gay) and Tink/Vidia as this natural pairing to come from their interaction in the movies. Lots of people automatically ship it, and I can see the distaste toward Tink/Terence as if it’s the boring, straight ship with no merit besides being basically canon.

Nobody has to ship Tink/Terence if it’s not their thing--I happen to like them, but they objectively have a LOT of development throughout the books, films and other media. More so than any of the canon ships like Clarion/Milori which people ATE UP even though they had NO development. If you ship Clarion/Milori and think Tink/Terence is boring, ya basic and hypocritical, but I digress.

What I mean to say is that if you’re not into Tink/Terence or basic, overhyped “straight” ships in general, your other option is not immediately Tink/Vidia. I’m bisexual myself, so it’s not like I’m anti-Vidibell because of homophobia or something. I really enjoy and appreciate f/f and m/m ships as well, and there are so many amazing fairies to ship Tink with who would have a more healthy and beautiful dynamic--which I think...good representation is better? Just me??

Tink had a lot of chemistry with Silvermist, in fact, someone who is genuinely kind and caring for Tink and vice versa. Tink/Sil is probably the most beautiful and natural pairing in the whole movie series, and it’s like no one has ever even CONSIDERED it because it’s so much more entertaining to have an enemies-to-lovers dynamic with the fairy who was mean to Tink, rather than the one who objectively cared the MOST.

Also, Tink and Zarina--they had a helluva dynamic in TPF. Stay hydrated with a drinking water game every time there’s a potential moment to read into wrt shipping them in that film. But then people want to ship Zarina with a man who tried to kill her instead.

So that’s the thing--I’m not mad at Tink/Bobble and Tink/Vidia because they go against Tink/Terence, but because of the attitude about it when arguably there are way better options than the ones people promote and those ones get entirely ignored and overlooked. It just grinds my gears. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If you ship these pairing, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings by calling them out like they’re these awful things--tbh the only one of these that I genuinely think is entirely and inherently bad in concept, is James/Z and I have no remorse if I offend anyone who ships that. Unfollow me, nasty.

To explain that in practice: if a picture of Clarion/Milori, Tink/Vidia or Tink/Bobble is cute, I’m still gonna reblog it and even tag it for those who enjoy the ships, because it doesn’t hurt me or anyone even if it’s not my taste. If J/Z is ever even implied I’m blocking people XD

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Hol Horse

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

So last year I thought it was a good idea to try and review all of the enemy Stand users in Stardust Crusaders in a totally random order. The results were… mixed. Some of them I think came out okay, but others? Not so much. One of them was just an entire backhanded attack against some guy who decided to say “No one likes your analyses” because I think ProJared was a creep. It was, quite frankly, a mess, and I never bothered to revisit it and never thought I would, even though I still hadn’t covered the glorious, wonderful human being who is Hol Horse.

Well, now, after playing Heritage for the Future and All-Star Battle as well as just becoming a bit more knowledgeable on JJBA, I’ve decided to not only give Hol Horse his dues, but also at least briefly go back over or cover the other Stand users and give them a rating or an updated rating, as the case may be. So buckle in, this is gonna be a long one, and it’s all gonna start with everyone’s favorite incompetent henchman.

Hol Horse is probably one of the most amazing characters Araki has ever created. Hol Horse is in possession of a powerful Stand, The Emperor, which is literally a magical gun that fires bullets he can control the trajectory of. By all accounts, Hol Horse should be the single most dangerous foe that the Crusaders face, more than even Vanilla Ice. This guy should be able to shoot them all dead without a second thought! There’s just one tiny little caveat:

Hol Horse is a fucking moron.

This man is cowardly, incompetent, and just the punching bag of cruel misfortune as all his plans constantly go awry and he is constantly knocked on his ass. And yet, Hol Horse is still the most beloved enemy Stand User of Stardust Crusaders, and it’s not hard to see why. Because despite all of his bumbling, Hol Horse just oozes a sort of cool you just don’t see every day.

(For best results, listen to this the whole time while reading the following).

Motivation/Goals: Hol Horse is one of the few henchmen of DIO who is motivated purely by his own greed… at least, at first. Eventually he has his ass handed to him one too many times, and he decides to try and assassinate DIO. This goes about as well as you’d expect, and Hol Horse – not just part of it, the ENTIRE Horse – is so scared out of his mind that he decides, yep, loyalty to DIO is the way to go! It doesn’t work out, but hey, he tried, right?

Performance: Imami Williams gives Hol Horse that raspy, American charm he needs in the anime adaptation. With his voice and the animation combined, we get to see our favorite smarmy sharpshooter who can’t shoot for shit shoot his shot and miss every time, and it is simply glorious.

Final Fate: Hol Horse kidnaps Boingo and forces him to work with him to finally get his revenge! With the prophetic skills of Thoth and the raw damage that can be done with Emperor, there’s no way they could lose! And yet, as is always the case with Thoth, things go horrendously awry and Hol Horse, despite having the ability to control the trajectory of his bullets, ends up shooting himself and knocking him out of part 3 for good.

Best Scene: Really, just the entirety of the episodes where he teams up with Boingo, especially when he tries holding up Polnareff. Considering what comes after and what came before it, it’s just the dose of lighthearted fun needed before you watch all of your favorite characters get brutally murdered by DIO and Vanilla Ice,. 

Best Quote: There is only one line it could be, and it’s Hol Horse’s response to Thoth’s suggestion he kick a woman in the neck: “Listen, Boingo... I am the nicest man in the world. I have girlfriends everywhere. I might lie to a woman, but I'll never hit them! It doesn't matter how ugly they are! Because I respect women!”

That’s right, everyone. Hol Horse drinks Respect Women Juice.

Final Thoughts & Score: Hol Horse is simply astounding. The character is such a colossal screwup that he shouldn’t be as good as he is… yet he is. The dude is gifted with the most incredible power imaginable, and yet somehow he is never able to do a goddamn thing with that power! You control where the bullets go, dude! How can you not hit anything?! It’s interesting how his cowardice and lack of motivation makes him a perfect representation of the inverted Emperor tarot card, but hey, tarot motifs are par for the course with the Stand users.

But there’s something charming to how pathetic Hol Horse is. He’s always plying second banana, he’s a dirty coward who turns tail and runs when things aren’t looking good for him, he never wins a single battle, he didn’t even kill the one guy it seemed like he killed… but throughout it all he still has this sort of smarmy charisma to him that makes him impossible to hate. It’s no wonder this guy has girls all over the world, because he is a world-class charmer. There’s also how Hol Horse is just a character who really, really lives by his own personal philosophy – that is to say, he always likes to be #2, never going into a fight without backup. It’s kind of refreshing to see him always stick by this, even to his own detriment; it’s hard to hate a man who’s principled to that degree. And, of course, this man respects women. Good on him.

It helps that Hol Horse’s inexplicable popularity has led to him getting his time to shine in outside media. Heritage for the Future has two versions of him, his regular form and one that partners him with Boingo, and in skilled hands his Emperor finally gets to live up to its deadly potential. And he’s no slouch in his return appearance in All-Star Battle, and what’s more impressive is in that game he is part of the base roster while Joseph and Iggy, two of the main heroes, are relegated to DLC! You heard me right: the bumbling cowboy who did not win a single fight or even come close to it and spent a lot of time shooting himself managed to beat out out two iconic heroes from the same part onto the roster! Horsey Man must be doing something right.

As this video shows, Hol Horse is one of the most influential characters in the JJBA franchise, having helped to shape the franchise going forward and helped to inspire the traits that made beloved characters like Guido Mista, Gyro Zeppeli, and Yoshikage Kira as legendary as they are. Hell, Hol Horse is just so awesome he almost got to be a protagonist, but Araki decided that Horsey was too similar to my favorite big-titty Frenchman, Polnareff. This means Hol Horse never got his time to shine as a hero, and so stayed a villain til the end… but hey, can he really be that sad if he gets a 10/10 on Psycho Analysis?

Actually, maybe he wouldn’t like that. He likes to play second fiddle to others, after all. But I guess that’s just the curse with these JoJo villains who want to not stand out; they always end up being the best and most memorable characters.

Anyway, now that we’ve got the best of the best out of the way, it’s time for...

Psycho Analysis: DIO’s Other Henchmen

I’m just gonna give my brief thoughts on these guys. Most of them are pretty one-note oneshots, but there are a few who rise above that and manage to be something else entirely. These guys were a learning experience for Araki, and his enemy Stand users of the week definitely improved with later parts, with Vento Aureo really cranking it up to 11. 

But for now, we’re stuck with these guys.

Gray Fly: I actually stand by my opinion from my original review of him; he’s nothing incredibly memorable, but he’s a solid start to the adventure and he is directly responsible for diverting the journey onto the course it ended up going on. Without him, things would have likely played out far differently. A 5/10 is still a good score for him.

Fake Captain Tenille: He actually gets bumped down to a 2/10, due to my changes in how things are scored. He’s not amusing enough to be in the “So bad it’s good” category of the other 3s, he’s just really lame and forgettable, and he still somehow manages to lose when he has the advantage. What a dweeb.

Forever: If you think the monkey boat fight is dropping in score, you’re mistaken. Forever remains at an 8/10 for being such a delightfully weird curveball that helps set the tone for the franchise to follow.

Devo: One of the weirder playable character choices from Heritage for the Future, and certainly not one I like too much; he’s also a random event that is pretty useful in All-Star Battle’s online campaign, so that’s a good mark for him. If nothing else, he gave a good showing of Polnareff’s skills when under pressure, so… yeah. I think a 5/10 is good enough.

Rubber Soul: This review I regret because I was backhandedly responding to that guy who weirdly decided to bring up my distaste for ProJared in a review of Arabia Fats and Kenny G. I do mostly stand by what I said; Rubber Soul is one of the more amusing minor foes, if only because of his ridiculous performance as Kakyoin. Still, it really sucks he was just a clone character in Heritage for the Future… put he gets points for  having the iconic cherry-licking as a taunt. 6/10 is where he remains.

J. Geil: Again, my opinion hasn’t changed: J. Geil is a mountain of wasted potential, but at the very least he makes for a good antagonist for his brief appearance and hey, he’s the one who helped bring us the beautiful hunk of man that is Hol Horse, so I’d feel bad giving him less than a 7/10.

Nena: I honestly think Nena is one of the most boring Stand users of the part, which is sad because her episode gives Joseph the spotlight. She’s just really gross and uninteresting, and you’ll likely forget her after her episode is over. 2/10.

ZZ: ZZ is not particularly great, and his design is just there to be a joke, but it’s hard to totally hate a guy who manages to roll references to Christine, Duel, and the album cover for Eliminator by his namesake into one. I think he’s more of a 4/10, but probably on the higher end there. He’s not great, but he has enough going for him to keep me from hating him.

Enya: So if I thought that J. Geil was a waste of potential, I feel this even more so for his mother Enya. Despite being hyped up as this big, intimidating right-hand woman to DIO early on, she gets one appearance where her Stand is defeated by Star Platinum pulling a power out his ass and then is unceremoniously killed by Steely Dan of all people. I will give her this: her interactions with Polnareff are absolutely hilarious. But when all you have going for is some jokes, don’t be surprised when you end up with a 6/10, which you’re pretty much only getting because even despite the mountains of wasted potential you’re really not that bad.

She do be looking hot in the OVA tho.

Steely Dan: My opinion is unchanged; he’s a solid 7/10 oneshot douchebag. Nothing more, nothing less. His level in the PS1 game seriously blows, though.

Arabia Fats: I was too hard on this guy. While I meant everything I said, and his episode is boring filler, does it really make him a bottom of the barrel all-time worst villain? No. It just makes him a crappy joke character. 2/10.

Mannish Boy: I regret not getting to this guy last time, because aside from Forever he’s probably one of the most insane Stand user of the part, seeing as he is an infant. Like, he’s just an evil baby who can kill people in their dreams. And he gets defeated by being force fed his own crap. Much like Forever, it’s fun to speculate where exactly DIO found this guy; did he just go to a nursery and start jabbing babies with the Stand arrow? Did he meet this guy at a Cairo night club? What exactly is Mannish Boy’s origin? He’s just so utterly and hilariously inexplicable. He’s definitely a 7/10; he doesn’t quite have the shock factor that Forever did before him, but let’s not pretend an evil talking baby Stand user isn’t one hell of a weird twist.

Cameo: This guy really lives up to his name; his Stand is the one that gets the most screentime, with the actual Stand user being relegated to a – you guessed it – cameo appearance at the end of the fight. Thankfully, his Stand is an enjoyable take on jerkass genies and gives a pretty sad and disturbing episode that not only features my man Polnareff, but also marks the point where Avdol returns and brings “Hell 2 U!” I think he deserves at least a 7/10, even if this is mainly for Judgment. Still, a Stand is a representation of the user’s soul, so I think it works out.

Here’s the Stand:

And here’s the man behind it:

Midler: Midler is one of the single most interesting characters from the pre-Egypt half of Stardust Crusaders, and is the point where Stand users really started to get interesting. Her Stand, High Priestess, has a really funky and unique design, and her battle serves as the final roadblock before the Crusaders arrive in Egypt. Despite never appearing onscreen, with only her unconscious body being shown at the end of the fight in a way that obscures her, she got to appear in Heritage for the Future with an awesome sexy belly dancer design and a badass moveset that makes her a really fun character to play as. Taking everything into account, I think she just barely scrapes into the bottom of the 8/10 pool, though really this is mainly for her playable appearance.

N’Doul: My opinions really haven’t changed on him. He’s still an 8/10.

Oingo & Boingo: These guys are, in a word, hilarious. In between the grueling, brutal fight with N’Doul and the later fights in the part, these guys bring some much needed levity to the proceedings. Oingo gets an entire episode where he just completely bumbles about as he attempts to impersonate Jotaro to assassinate the Crusaders, failing at every turn and only managing to blow himself up in the end. Boingo fares a little better, eventually getting roped in to Hol Horse’s scheme to get some revenge, which leads to one of the funniest episodes of the entire series as Hol Horse and Oingo hold up Polnareff. I think they collectively get an 8/10 for being two of the funniest Stand users in the part. They even get their own unique end credits in the anime (with Hol Horse joining in on the fun when he teams up with Boingo)!

Anubis: Again, my opinion is unchanged, though I must say him having technically three playable appearances in Heritage for the Future does make me have at least a little more fondness for him. Black Polnareff, Chaka, and Khan are all amusing characters to play as and all have some awesome theme music. Introducing the concept of Stands being able to exist independently of their Original user is pretty neat, as well as the idea of a Stand that can switch users like it does. 7/10 is still what I’d give it, but I think that it’s pretty telling that this is probably the “weakest” character in the Egypt arcs in terms of being a villain, and yet he’s still pretty cool.

Mariah: Completely unchanged. She still deserves an 8/10, because her episode is hilarious, her playable appearance in Heritage for the Future is a blast, and she’s just really frikkin’ hot. I’m not gonna lie, she’s probably my second favorite enemy Stand user out of the Egyptian ones. I may or may not want her to step on me.

Alessi: I’m going to be honest here: Alessi is my favorite of the Egyptian Stand users. He’s an ax crazy coward with pedophile undertones who is just an utterly demented and sick individual with a seriously intriguing Stand that de-ages its victims. It’s a damn shame he never crossed paths with Joseph and de-aged him, but when he’s just such a hilarious and hateable lunatic with an incredibly fun playable appearance in Heritage for the Future (complete with awesomely creepy theme music!) it’s hard for me to give Alessi anything less than a 9/10. Attaboy!

Daniel J. D’Arby: My opinion is honestly unchanged, but I think I’d bump him down to an 8/10.

Pet Shop: Again, unchanged really. It’s hard to give a character as busted as he is in Heritage for the Future anything less than a 9/10 any way you slice it.

Telence T. D’Arby: Opinion unchanged, 8/10. I don’t have much else to say here, besides Xander Mobus rocks.

Kenny G: See Arabia Fats above. I got irrationally mad over a dumb joke character. He’s not going above a 2/10, but he’s not worth really getting mad about.

Vanilla Ice: I still think he’s the only enemy Stand user besides Hol Horse who deserves his 10/10. My opinion of him remains unchanged, but I would like to say he’s easily one of my favorite characters to play as in All-Star Battle.

Nukesaku: Ok, he’s not an enemy Stand user, he’s just some weird vampire… zombie… thing. Still, I feel he’s at least worth briefly mentioning, if only because he’s probably the only easily-defeated joke villain Araki did from the first three parts who is particularly memorable. Wired Beck and Doobie are really not all that memorable, but Nukesaku at least elicits a few chuckles – he even gets cameos in Heritage for the Future as well as getting to be a stage hazard in All-Star Battle. For what he is, I think he deserves a 5/10.

And with all these enemies taken care of, that just leaves one more Stand user to talk about.. one whose Psycho Analysis has been sitting in my drafts for a year now...