#Glorified garden hose

[sharkrocket]

I IMAGINE SO! 

I know snakes like to find an nice warm spot to curl up and bask in so I don’t think it’s a big stretch that Snakeniil will also find some comfort in tucking into his coils and getting all comfy cozy in a big ol’ self hug 

[profoundmakerdreamerss-blog]

It is funny to me how Harry Potter is literally the main character, yet people tend to go like he didn't suffer that much or he wasn't "abused"; Like, how can one misunderstand the literal main character of the damn franchise?

He wasn't abused; yes okay. He absolutely did not grow up inside a cupboard; the tiny place that is mostly reserved for brooms or cleaning supply. He absolutely was not treated inferior to the other child who lived in the same house. He was totally was not treated like a "freak" or a "stain" that his family was ashamed off. He grew up inside a cupboard while there was a literal unused bed in the same house. And you want to know what that screamed to a child, a baby — who slept inside a cupboard while there being a perfectly usable room right there? You are worth nothing and we don't love you and we are ashamed of what you are.

He wasn't starved, or at least he was fed; Yeah, no. We see it from the first book. How Vernon was no food for you and in the cupboard you go — and by the looks of it, that was like his most common punishment. And then, in the second book — you practically see it happen. He was locked, inside a room with only a can of soup that he shared with Hedwig. Now, tell me what it would do to a child — to be given food through a cat flap, and fun fact? Harry got to eat less than people on war rations; in short? He was starved, yes.

He wasn't abused physically so it's not abuse; As for people's thinks abuse isn't abuse until it's physical (which is inherently wrong because abuse isn't only physically, fyi); Harry has learned to dodge Vernon and he states that, very proudly when his uncle tries to grab him. He dodges a flying pan and states that fact, again very proudly as if it is the norm; do you know how heavy pans are? And do you know what would happen when one hits you? If you want an even clearer proof; Vernon Dursley strangles Harry in Ootp. There you go. Also, in the first book, we clearly see Vernon encouraging Dudley to hit Harry. Read between the lines and actually try to understand what that signifies.

And favourite part; When he wasn't treated like a prisoner, or a freak— he was their servant. And that is very much canonical. Tending Petunia's garden during summers and drinking from the water hose in the garden because of how hot it was? Having to wake up early so he can tend the kitchen and when he wasn't doing all that he is locked away. And it is all canon.

In conclusion, Harry— not only grew up to think that he was inhumane, undeserving of love, a freak that didn't even get to have his own bed because someone like him didn't deserve it, physically harmed enough times that he dodges them out of reflex and also the Dursleys' glorified servant; that is not even taking into account what Harry went through in Hogwarts. And after all that if someone tells me; this child, right here — didn't go through much then well, maybe read the books again?

[return-to-twisted-wonderland]

Vil: Excuse me, Idia. What was THAT?

I'm a world-class model, you know. I'm very particular about what comes into contact with my skin. You expect me to accept a SPRAY DOWN from a glorified garden hose? And you didn't even provide moisturizer! Moisturizing after cleansing your face is the MOST crucial step in maintaining a beautiful complexion

Jamil: I think I know how the car feels when it being washed...

Hari: That's so bad and oh seven...

Riddle: And what it's like to be a set of sheets in a dryer

Leona: It was bad enough that thing went in my mouth, but it even washed inside my ears. I'm still squicked out from that..

Azul: I normally prize efficiency above all else... But I've officially decided that no matter how busy I get, I will never start using an automated bathing machine

Ortho: Oh? But all the staff love it. They say it makes showers take no time at all!

Leona: That's not even the worst of it. It's this stinkin' collar

Hari: Yeah... *A flashback come*

— 👻 anon

Idia: Great seven, you guys complain too much...

[helenadurazzo]

The Lord of the Underworld and His Lady of Spring Part 5

Back at Styx headquarters, the tests and examinations are about to begin, but first, Riddle, Vil, Azul, Jamil, and Leona learn a bit more about Styx and its operations in this addition to the HPHM x Twisted Wonderland AU!

“Ugh,” Vil groaned once he and the other boys were placed in their subject uniforms and collars, “Excuse me Idia but why must we be sprayed down with a GLORIFIED GARDEN HOSE!? And you didn’t even offer moisture! What kind of place is this?”

Jamil sighed, “Now I know what it’s like to be a car going through a car wash.”

“Or a set of sheets in the washer and dryer.” Riddle added, crossing his arms.

“And then it had the audacity to spray into my ears.” Leona groaned, “I’m still squicked out from that.”

“Normally I’d prize efficiency.” Azul admitted, “But that crosses the line!”

“Really!?” Ortho exclaimed, “All the staff love it! They say it makes showers take no time at all.”

“I say it is quite refreshing.” Helena seconded Ortho.

“Of course Idia’s mindless girlfriend would say that.” Leona groaned.

“I see these chokers have the same effect as my signature spell.” Riddle observed, “I haven’t been able to perform any type of magic.”

“Sorry about that.” Ortho apologized, “It is for everyone’s safety and for the sake of accurate data collection.”

“Wait.” Idia’s eyes widened, “Riddle’s been trying to use magic, we can’t take our eyes off of any of them…” he cleared his throat, “Ahem, anyways not that you have been decontaminated, here is a short welcome video for Styx, Ortho play the tape!”

“Already on it!” Ortho cheered

~~~

Leona turned to Idia once the film finished, “So what horrific experiments do you have in mind?”

Idia chuckled menacingly, “First I’m going to strap you so you can’t move, then examine you with a bunch of probes, to score some sweet data about stress and the build up of blot.”

“Wha…” Riddle looked horrified.

“Idia!” Helena scolded him, “Don’t scare them like that!”

“Surely these normies didn’t think I was serious.” Idia shot back, “Can’t they get a joke?”

“In all fairness it wasn’t remotely funny.” Azul pointed out.

“They are right.” Ortho agreed, “Idia they are already upset! We shouldn’t make it worse!”

“At least Ortho and Helena exhibit some compassion.” Vil sighed.

“Besides.” Ortho enlightened Idia, “Raising the levels of stress won’t give us accurate results.”

“Never mind, I take that back.” Vil quickly remarked, “Ortho is just like his brother.”

“The point is.” Ortho explained, “You are all highly valuable since you didn’t get consumed by the phantom when you all overblotted.”

“What are phantoms?” Vil asked.

“When you overblot, the excess blot spills out and takes a giant form, aka the faceless monsters that appeared behind you.” Idia revealed and waited in silence before continuing. “Those are phantoms. You were not yourselves then so it’s hard to know how much any of you registered. But when you overbloted you could extend your reserves because of those phantoms. What normally is a debuff becomes a buff! Which is why eventually the phantoms consume their victims if people don’t step in.”

“They were quite large, all of them.” Helena added, “I recall them quite clearly when me and my sister were helping bringing you back down to earth.”

“Most of the time we can capture the phantoms but some can blend in with direbeasts.” Idia continued.

“I knew the basics of that but the extended version is hard to believe.” Azul admitted.

“Thing is, only capable mages can overblot.” Idia pointed out. “About as rare as rolling 4 SSRs on a single ten pull! Yet despite that there were five overblots in a single semester!

“So we were brought for research…” Jamil took note of the obvious. “Were you the one who issued the order Idia?”

“Uhh…” Idia stammered,

“That is classified information!” Ortho shouted.

“Let’s just say Styx has scouts all over the world...” Helena simplified for the boys.

"Wait…" Vil's eyes widened, "Does that mean you are trying to use blot!?”

“It’s not that surprising.” Idia sighed. “Sustainability is a hot topic right now and blot could be the answer, when it comes to magic that is. We consider Blot a valuable reason rather than a waste product. And we gotta recycle what we can right?”

Jamil’s eyes narrowed, “An energy resource huh.”

“That is how you are justifying kidnapping.” Leona growled. “Real noble operation you guys got here.”

“I know you are all mad.” Ortho observed, “But none of you want to overblot again right? Or to be manipulated by a phantom? Accepting our help can allow to prevent that.”

“Indeed.” Helena seconded, “Styx HQ has the best labs in the world. The readings are accurate and detailed.”

Vil eyed them closely, “What an enticing sales pitch, Azul should take notes. But what’s the catch? If we don’t participate you won’t let us leave?”

“Look, listening will get you out of here easy.” Idia doges the question, “Let’s just start with the paperwork, and make it snappy we don’t have all day.”

~~~

Idia sighed, “That took so long, can’t believe they nick picked every detail. But at least that’s done. Everything else is set up as well. Now to split the subjects into two teams. We can start with Subjects A, C, and E, and then transition into testing Subjects B and D.” He turned to Riddle, Azul, and Vil, “Ortho will take you to the sim room.” Then he turned to Jamil and Leona, “Wait here until your tests begin. Helena and I are going to step out but use the intercom if you need anything.”

“Yo acting director.” Leona spoke casually, “can we at least get a snack menu?”

“Ugh.” Idia groaned, “Classic Leona, but that is not an option.” He finished before walking out of the room with Helena by his side, with Leona only continuing to mutter what were surely insults.

“Acting Director.” One of the Charon guards approached, “What shall Subject F’s examination be? The medical team reports he is still asleep.”

“Subject F…” Idia recalled, “Ah yes, Grim. I’m afraid the kitty has too many variables. And his command of magic is rather mediocre, running him through sims might be a waste of time.”

“Let him sleep for now.” Helena requested, “And let me and the Acting Director know the second he awakens.”

“Roger.” The guard confirmed, before leaving to fulfill his orders.

“Let’s go Helena.” Idia turned to her, “We need to get to HQ, Ortho likely has the guys all ready in the Simulation Room, and we shouldn’t keep him waiting…”

[johnnys-green-pen]

Random E! Thoughts: S6E20 - Isolation

Johnny looking out the clearly sunny window that they’re clearly hitting with a glorified garden hose for the rain effects complaining about the weather.

Johnny trying to not tell Chet about his date

Chet getting sleeping lessons from Henry

Chet trying to get on that both with Johnny

Johnny’s “bet that sailboat cabin is gonna be real cozy during a storm”. Dude. You get seasick.

Johnny mentions that he’d “get a house out there if he ever bought one”

Probably just a continuity snarl, but I’d say that also confirms that the house that Johnny did buy didn’t stick. 

I like to think that Roy did get his hands on it after all

Johnny continues to be really good with kids

Johnny sticking the cardiac patient’s IV to the wall with medical tape

As much as I enjoy the psychiatrist being there to assist them, the entirety of that cardiac patient’s treatment seems exceedingly cobbled together

Johnny’s surprised expression when he tries reaching Rampart again after their power failure and somebody actually picks up

Morton getting a few lines!

And Roy’s “that’s what friends are for”

(things Season 1 Morton would have never expected to hear from either of them, probably)

Johnny calling half the county trying to get a message to his girl of the week

Johnny throwing the pencil back to Dix before literally running off

Sooo, we’ve got a Black doctor and a female doctor and a Native American paramedic (and Roy) as the medical team for the last part of this episode, and THAT feels like somebody was making a point again. Love to see it, tbh.

Chet ruining Johnny’s date for him

[merrysithmas]

i dont watch stranger things as anything more than an Extreme Casual viewer (like i fast forward through almost 75% of the eps after s2) but i have to say, i really do think the duffer bros have to be some of the most clueless/accidentally successful showrunners. they made a show based off nostalgia and got unexpectedly popular yet they dont seem to have the chops for original (as opposed to adaptive) fiction

they constantly make mistakes with characters, cant seem to tell which characters will be compelling or loved, cant write romance, over complicate their stories, and have no cohesive overarcing theme to their show whatsoever. they also focus way, way too much on uninteresting or downright repulsive characters - in ways which glorify them rather than give them compelling narrative purpose. they also dont seem to be very good directors either.

it's like watching someone try to control a garden hose on full blast that constantly is slipping out of their hands

[scripttorture]

Just something I'm curious about - in your torture in fiction posts that deal with sci-fi settings, particularly Star Wars, you list a lot of the torture devices as unrealistic because they're high-tech compared to real life equipment. Is this because you're trying to really stress how how real life torture is carried out? I admittedly haven't studied the topic as in-depth as you, but a lot of the devices used in Star Wars torture scenes seem fancy and space-age to us but in-universe (1/2)

(2/2) things like the droid used to torture Leia in A New Hope are very common and viewed as everyday devices. I guess I’m also asking if a character’s perception of what a common/“low tech” device is would factor into how they select torture methods, or if you think the general technology level of the story doesn’t matter much?

I guess it’s primarily about trying to get people to understand whattorture is.

We are surrounded by stories that, one way or another, suggest torturecan be ‘ok’.

We’re also surrounded by stories that, knowingly or not, get their imageof torture from taking what torturers sayat face value.

And the idea of using high-tech devices, complicated devices, in tortureis doing just that. It is believing these ignorant, pathetic brutes when theysay that what they do is actually ‘scientific’, that it can be ‘improved’, thatthey personally are ‘really good at it’ and that they personally are the specialexception flying against every piece of scientific evidence we have.

The idea of torture being high-tech is heavily linked to the ideatorture can be ‘improved’. It’s a cop out that says ‘well this time didn’t workI guess we need to build a better droid’.

It’s also heavily linked tothe idea that ‘clean’ non-scarring tortures are somehow ‘safer’, that you cancause someone massive amounts of pain and trauma but it’s ok it won’t damagethem. Because it’s ‘scientific’.

Please understand that this anger is not directed at you. This is thememory of sifting through eloquent, newspaper published arguments ‘for’waterboarding and too many conversations where I am asked to ‘prove’ torturecould never work under increasingly ludicrously sci-fi circumstances.

It’s the way so many people seem to automatically turn a discussionabout stopping torture towards ‘wellperhaps if we just tortured people in the ‘right’ way-’

It isn’t about what sort oftechnology is common in the setting.

Almost everyone has a mobile phone where I live. I think it’s safe toassume that the prisons and police stations where a lot of torture takes place have mobile phones, televisions,computers, microwaves.

There has never been a singlereported incident I can find of them being used to torture.

It’s not just expense, it’s practicality. The more complicated and hightech something is the easier it is to break and the harder it is to use withouttraining.

From the torturer’s perspective torture is all about using the least amount of effort.

Anything that takes longer, anything that breaks in use, anything eventhe slightest bit more inconvenient will lose out compared to ‘why don’t wejust borrow the garden hose and hit them with it?’

The torture devices of the past were nothigh tech, even for the times they were created. (Take a look at a rack, thentake a look at the types of ships Europeans were using at the same time forlong distance navigation). Using the vast majority of them boils down toturning a screw.

There’s also the question of the effort,time and money¸ that goes into creating high tech devices.

How big would the group of people behind that one droid have to be? You’dneed designers, mechanics and a way totest it just to get a prototype. The first attempt would probably go wrong,because it’s a complicated, high tech piece of equipment. All of the peopleinvolved in it’s creation need to be paid, housed and have access to thecorrect materials for the decades it would take to get one working model. Thenyou’d need to source materials in bulk, you’d need to assemble them correctlyand you’d need to persuade people that this thing is better than just using a bucket of water. That’s worth the moneybeing asked for it.

The only high tech torturedevice that’s really taken off is the Taser. According to Rejali it took about8 attempts and a lot of time andmoney on someone’s part to get it off the ground. It was initially rejected bypolice departments as too difficult to use and too easy to break.

It’s not that police departments weren’tusing electrical torture, they just found that hand cranked magnetos, carbatteries and cow prods were a lot easier to use. Because they’re less complicated.

So no- I don’t think thatcharacter’s perception of what tech is ‘normal’ factors into what gets used intorture at all. Becausewhat we see in real life is that everyday technology doesn’t tend to get used in torture. It’s more effort for thetorturer, it’s more difficult to use, it’s more likely to break and in somecases probably more likely to get the torturer caught.

That last point may not be a factor in all stories but the rest of thosepoints definitely are.

There’s a difference between showing an evil organisation building abigger, ‘better’ bomb and showing them using high tech torture. In the formerthey’re investing in killing people more efficiently; they know they might notget the result they want first time but they also know it will eventually be ‘worth’the money. In the latter example they’re pouring money into a project that won’t‘work’ any better and (from their view more importantly) that their torturerswon’t want to use.

So yes it’s about realism but beyond that it’s what unrealistic tropesmean in these stories.

I run this blog because I want to change the narrative: because I wantto live in a world where pop culture doesn’tencourage or glorify torture.

And if you want to kill an idea you need to go for the joints.

Torture isn’t sophisticated.It isn’t complicated. And most importantly it not only fails, it cannot be improved. Brutality doesn’tbecome more acceptable just because it’s delivered via a shiny new package, itdoesn’t become less harmful just because the damage is hard to see.

I know some of the things I talk about probably seem odd or harmless toa lot of readers but this is about…tracking what those ideas prop up.

I hope that answers your question. :)

Edit: So there’s a counter argument in the comments which I’m going to respond to very briefly.

1) Torture ‘for’ information does not work.(See O’Mara and Rejali)

2) Scaring people you’re trying to interrogate has been shown to be a less effective strategy. (See E and L Alison)

3) Torturers are self selecting. (See Rejali)

4) Lie detectors do not work. (See O’Mara)

5) All the Star Wars movies I’ve reviewed so far have actually handled torture pretty well. The bad guys assume it ‘works’ sure, but the first three movies show torture failing consistently and they show it failing in realistic ways.

Disclaimer

[amyadoresblog-blog]

Hello there guys!

I realise this is a little later in the month than usual, but will all the exciting things going on with my fundraising, I just had too put my usual posts on hold to get you the exciting bits first!

For those of you new to GlossyBox its a monthly subscription box that’s roughly $10 per month (these costs change if you preorder several months) and they contain 5 beauty products. These are usually full size or sample size, and you usually end up getting a hella bargain!

This month’s theme is Galentines, since February is all about sharing the love, with everyone… not just our partners, and it seems that there’s a huge choice of products that could be sent this month. So now you’re up to date, let’s get down to business…

First up this month is the Nude Pop Lip Tint from Steve Laurant, which as a full size product retails for $17. It is cruelty free and very hydrating on the lips, but personally it feels a little bit like a glorified lip balm. I don’t notice any pigmentation on the lips, and so I don’t feel like this product is for me. It’s great for no makeup, makeup days but I personally wouldn’t spend my money on this product.

Next up, just to get my moaning out of the way and end on a happy note, the Makeup Mist Glow-Plexion from Stuudio10 Beauty gets a definite no from me. We get a mini size in the box, but the full size retails for $26 and is said to instantly prime, refresh and hydrate, but can also be used as a setting spray, which on paper sounds great. However the ‘mist’ is more like a garden hose, which is okay as a primer, but definitely not as a setting spray. I didn’t really notice any hydration or benefited from the product, so I feel the price is a bit steep.

I’m going to talk about the Emotion Allowed Mascara from Icona Milano next. The box contains a full size product that retails for $15. I love this mascara, it doesn’t make the lashes appear clumpy, but it still gives a natural looking voluminous and lengthy lash. It’s been my go to for over a week now and I just love the look it gives. I am so glad to have been introduced to this!

Next I’ll talk about The Ciate Mini in Goal Digger which retails for $6, or for $9 as a full size product. Having never used a Ciate product before, I as excited because I’ve only ever heard good things, and I’ll be honest… I was not disappointed! This glitter polish is so pigmented that I only needed one coat and it dried so fast that even little impatient me didn’t ruin it!

I’ve popped it on one of my Primark false nails below so you can see.

Lastly, I need to mention the Sleek Divine Eyeshadow Palette, which if you know me, I have several, so it will come as no surprise to hear I was happy about its feature in this months box. I was even lucky enough to grab one I didn’t already have so I really have won! The shadows are pigmented and blend fabulously, and they’re a total bargain at $9 each! Here are my swatches…

So I suppose that’s it from me for this week! Please if you have the chance go and visit my posts about the work I’m doing to rise money for the UK Sepsis Trust you can find them here and here, and you can donate here.

Hope you have a great week and I will see you all soon!

Amy xo

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GlossyBox | February 2018 Hello there guys! I realise this is a little later in the month than usual, but will all the exciting things going on with my fundraising, I just had too put my usual posts on hold to get you the exciting bits first!

[joronomo]

Labor Day 17 - Will Durst, Humor Times

New Post has been published on https://joronomo.com/labor-day-17-will-durst-humor-times/

Labor Day 17 - Will Durst, Humor Times

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As holidays go, Labor Day gets no respect

Labor Day? Already? You got to be kidding. How the hell did that happen? Eight months of the year have expired? 2017 is two-thirds over? That is so frightening because any day now radio stations are going to switch to wall-to-wall Christmas music.

As holidays go, the first Monday of September gets no respect. It’s that last lonely pepperoncino on the festival deli tray. The metal folding chair next to the furnace that only gets pulled out when company invites company. The tomato plant in the back row closest to the fence those darn gophers found so tasty.

Part of the problem is the name: Labor Day. Smacks of major difficulties. Especially to mothers who have experienced birth. Comes really close to glorifying chores. A stress proponent. Futile attempt to promote drudgery. Might as well call it Dentist’s Drill Day.

We need to rename it The Extra Special Day Off Day or Bonus Day. How about Cake Day. Who doesn’t like cake? Anything to better highlight its unique status as the one day we get to take off to honor that small segment of society that actually works for a living. You know, regular humans. You and me. Okay, mostly you.

Although it’s provided 123 years of succor to we masses, the official working man’s holiday encourages a decidedly incognito sort of partying. No ugly bird to burn, a total lack of dead vegetation to string lights around and nary a signature drink to quaff while watching the fabulous line- up of Labor Day themed movies on basic cable.

The beauty is, befitting its egalitarian nature, everybody is free to participate in Labor Day. Not just people who work for a living, but each and every American, including lawyers, investment bankers, politicians and newspaper editors. Hah. That was a joke.

Because of its particular calendar placement as a holiday bridge halfway between 4th of July and Thanksgiving, Labor Day has also become a seasonal signal flag. The solstice is dead. Long live the autumnal equinox. Take down the back-to-school banners and fill the shelves with Halloween candy.

Time to roll up the garden hose and rollout the snow blower. Bury the flip-flops and exhume the ski boots. Pumpkin spice once again rises while watermelon sinks slowly in the west. The lazy hazy dazy days of summer are over and every evening is once again a school night.

And never forget that Labor Day honors the living, not the dead. Our workforce. A single day off so the real nine to five heroes that keep this country humming can relax before squaring their shoulders and getting back to the job of carving out a better future.  Raising 2.3 kids, paying off a mortgage with enough left over to meet the monthly cable bill, with at least one premium channel thrown in.

So whether you flip burgers or beach houses, run a stockroom full of board length or a lengthy boardroom full of stockholders, enjoy your day off. You deserve it. Gather family and friends and wave a fond farewell to all that excess sunshine and bid hello to the calming of the light. No need to bring gifts, although flowers and wine never go out of style. Make it a six-pack. And while you’re at it, some cake.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” The Humor Times says “Durst is the Sage of Satire, the Learned Lampooner, the King of Political Satire!” Check his website, willdurst.com, for upcoming stand-up performance dates. Will’s books, including Elect to Laugh! A Hilarious, Common Sense Guide to American Politics are available at Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. From Ulysses Press.

Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!

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[sharkrocket]

More snake Daniil please he brings me so much joy and he's so cute with Temy 🥹

Ofc ofc, I love this glorified garden hose

[mingmagazine-blog]

You Should Be Brewing Beer Because Beer is Amazing, Pt. 1

Beer is a wonderful beverage.  It’s a social lubricant that makes talking to boring people better.  We evolved with it because it’s the first flavored beverage we learned how to make.  We get a hit of feel-good chemicals as soon as the first taste hits our lips.  It is the reason we have agriculture, writing, and even refrigeration.  That’s why you should learn the brewing of beer.

Beyond that, the process teaches delayed gratification and an actual craft.  Brewing beer is a wonderful skill for several reasons.  It can be done with minimal equipment, it’s not particularly difficult, and even a bad batch is still better than Budweiser.  You made it, you share it with your friends, and when people come over they need not bring beer.  You can invite people interested in the brewing process over to brew with you.  It’s all around a great activity and one that builds friendships.

What You Need to Make Beer

A smattering of stuff to make beer with

For now, we’re going to cover the ultra basics of beer making as well as the bare minimum in required equipment without getting too much into the theory.  Ingredients for making a simple ale are a source of sugar, a source of clean water, a fermenting agent, a preservative/ flavoring, and time.

As for equipment, you need a boiling vessel that holds slightly more water than you’d like to turn into beer, a decent thermometer, a fermentation vessel that lets out gas, and a means of sterilizing everything.  For that last part, heat works on some of it but an acid sterilizer like Star San is required for the items that don’t touch heat.  It’s also good to have containers for the finished product, but we’ll count that as an item for later.

Typically, ready made ale kits are sold all over the country.  They range in price from $20 to $70 (for the more complex ones).  They range in size from 1 gallon (the smallest practical size batch) through about 15 gallons.  The standard size for a batch is about 5 gallons.  A five-gallon batch will yield 53 1/3 bottles of beer at 12 oz./ bottle. In practice, some of the beer will be no good and we’ll cover why later.

The actual equipment

A basic brewing thermometer

Thermometer

The better the thermometer, the better the results.  If you’re thinking about using the meat thermometer from your kitchen, you certainly can.  We recommend, however, getting a good one that has never been used in meat.  Fats can ruin a beer, and most meat thermometers have a probe (the pointy part that you stick into the liquid) that’s far too short.  Your thermometer needs to be capable of staying in the boil kettle throughout the process, and meat thermometers tend to be awkward for that purpose.

Typical brew-kettle

Boil Kettle

This is important but it’s a one-time expense.  If you’re making one-gallon batches, you likely have an adequate stock pot in your kitchen.  If you’re making five-gallon batches, you need a boil kettle that holds a minimum of 22 quarts.  You need extra space for boil over protection.  42 quarts is more versatile and not much more expensive and will enable you to do a ten-gallon batch if you so desire.  If you want the option of boiling larger batches, you’ll need a larger pot. Fifteen-gallon batches require a minimum of a 64-quart pot.  Remember that boiling larger quantities of water either takes more heat or more time (usually both).

Stir Paddle/ Spoon

If you recall the lunch lady and her magic serving spoon, you’re on the right track for the stirring spoon.  Even better, a long wooden paddle.  You need something that will reach the bottom of your boil kettle while keeping your fingers out of the boiling water.

Fermentation vessels (carboys)

Fermentation Vessel w/ Venting System

When you’re done boiling your wort (the sweet, brown water that’s full of ‘soon-to-be beer’ sugar), you need to put it somewhere to ferment.  That’s where the fermentation vessel comes in.  You can use anything that’s clean that can also be sealed and vented.  The typical home brewer has a glorified five-gallon bucket that serves this purpose.  You can also use a glass or plastic water bottle (also known as a ‘carboy‘).  Whatever you use, the goal is to keep it sealed but allow the gasses to escape.  The most common method for this is a hole in the top of your fermentation vessel that uses an airlock.  The airlock consists of a layer of sterile water that allows bubbles to pass from the wort to the outside air without allowing the outside air into the fermentation vessel.

Timer

If you have a smartphone you have all you need for this purpose.  Every smartphone has an alarm clock app or a timer app which can be purposed for brewing.  There are also apps specifically designed for brewing.  Most of them are not free, but like most things of this kind, you get what you pay for.  For the time being, we’ll assume your phone is fine for this task.

Heat source

You can’t boil water without heat.  If you figure out a way, call me.  What should you use, though?  I’ve brewed beer on the stove top in my kitchen, a wood stove in a guy’s garage, over an open fire using pine logs, using an electric burner that was computer controlled, and the most common method, a propane burner in an open garage or outside. Whatever you use, you need to make sure you can boil the size batch you intend to make in the shortest time possible.  More heat faster is best.  More BTUs gets you to beer faster.

Graaaaaaains!

Ingredients

This is a section in itself, but the basics are a sugar source which should be fine, malted barley, a good strain of hops, and water.  That along with heat and time are all that goes into a simple beer.  Kits for starting out arrive with all of the above, as well as extras that you will need to finish the recipe.  When you get better, you’ll undoubtedly experiment with all the possibilities.

Cooling System (optional)

Copper immersion wort chiller

The faster you cool your wort after you complete the boil, the better.  The cooling system can be an expensive option for some, but waiting for five gallons of boiled water to cool to room temperature can be tedious.  Not only that but the longer your wort is open to the elements, the more likely it is to pick up some bacteria that you absolutely don’t want.  The typical coolers are devices that hook up to your garden hose which you immerse in the wort.  You turn on the hose and the hose water picks up heat from the wort cooling it. Every step beyond this gets progressively more expensive.

I’ve connected two immersion chillers in series, one in the wort and one before it in an ice bath, to speed up the process.  Doing this while also immersing the pot full of wort in a larger pot filled with ice makes quick work of chilling.  Experimentation is good, though.

Auto siphons rule

Siphon (optional)

Moving your beer from one container to another is far easier with a siphon.  If you opt not to have one, muscle and some funnels are your other option.  Ask for help when pouring.  We don’t want to be responsible for any bad backs.

Hydrometer/ Refractometer (optional)

If you want to know how much alcohol is in your beer, you’ll absolutely need a way to measure your specific gravity.  You need to take two measurements.  One just before you add yeast (called ‘pitching’) and one just before you bottle.  A simple mathematical formula tells you how drunk you’ll get on 4 of your new beers.  This is listed as ‘optional’ but it’s really not optional if you care about the craft.

  Stay Tuned

That’s all for today.  As for the actual method of brewing, stay tuned for my breakdown of how to use the equipment, malts, hops, and yeast to get something you can actually drink.

[mingmagazine-blog]

You Should Be Brewing Beer Because Beer is Amazing, Pt. 1

Beer is a wonderful beverage.  It’s a social lubricant that makes talking to boring people better.  We evolved with it because it’s the first flavored beverage we learned how to make.  We get a hit of feel-good chemicals as soon as the first taste hits our lips.  It is the reason we have agriculture, writing, and even refrigeration.  That’s why you should learn the brewing of beer.

Beyond that, the process teaches delayed gratification and an actual craft.  Brewing beer is a wonderful skill for several reasons.  It can be done with minimal equipment, it’s not particularly difficult, and even a bad batch is still better than Budweiser.  You made it, you share it with your friends, and when people come over they need not bring beer.  You can invite people interested in the brewing process over to brew with you.  It’s all around a great activity and one that builds friendships.

What You Need to Make Beer

A smattering of stuff to make beer with

For now, we’re going to cover the ultra basics of beer making as well as the bare minimum in required equipment without getting too much into the theory.  Ingredients for making a simple ale are a source of sugar, a source of clean water, a fermenting agent, a preservative/ flavoring, and time.

As for equipment, you need a boiling vessel that holds slightly more water than you’d like to turn into beer, a decent thermometer, a fermentation vessel that lets out gas, and a means of sterilizing everything.  For that last part, heat works on some of it but an acid sterilizer like Star San is required for the items that don’t touch heat.  It’s also good to have containers for the finished product, but we’ll count that as an item for later.

Typically, ready made ale kits are sold all over the country.  They range in price from $20 to $70 (for the more complex ones).  They range in size from 1 gallon (the smallest practical size batch) through about 15 gallons.  The standard size for a batch is about 5 gallons.  A five-gallon batch will yield 53 1/3 bottles of beer at 12 oz./ bottle. In practice, some of the beer will be no good and we’ll cover why later.

The actual equipment

A basic brewing thermometer

Thermometer

The better the thermometer, the better the results.  If you’re thinking about using the meat thermometer from your kitchen, you certainly can.  We recommend, however, getting a good one that has never been used in meat.  Fats can ruin a beer, and most meat thermometers have a probe (the pointy part that you stick into the liquid) that’s far too short.  Your thermometer needs to be capable of staying in the boil kettle throughout the process, and meat thermometers tend to be awkward for that purpose.

Typical brew-kettle

Boil Kettle

This is important but it’s a one-time expense.  If you’re making one-gallon batches, you likely have an adequate stock pot in your kitchen.  If you’re making five-gallon batches, you need a boil kettle that holds a minimum of 22 quarts.  You need extra space for boil over protection.  42 quarts is more versatile and not much more expensive and will enable you to do a ten-gallon batch if you so desire.  If you want the option of boiling larger batches, you’ll need a larger pot. Fifteen-gallon batches require a minimum of a 64-quart pot.  Remember that boiling larger quantities of water either takes more heat or more time (usually both).

Stir Paddle/ Spoon

If you recall the lunch lady and her magic serving spoon, you’re on the right track for the stirring spoon.  Even better, a long wooden paddle.  You need something that will reach the bottom of your boil kettle while keeping your fingers out of the boiling water.

Fermentation vessels (carboys)

Fermentation Vessel w/ Venting System

When you’re done boiling your wort (the sweet, brown water that’s full of ‘soon-to-be beer’ sugar), you need to put it somewhere to ferment.  That’s where the fermentation vessel comes in.  You can use anything that’s clean that can also be sealed and vented.  The typical home brewer has a glorified five-gallon bucket that serves this purpose.  You can also use a glass or plastic water bottle (also known as a ‘carboy‘).  Whatever you use, the goal is to keep it sealed but allow the gasses to escape.  The most common method for this is a hole in the top of your fermentation vessel that uses an airlock.  The airlock consists of a layer of sterile water that allows bubbles to pass from the wort to the outside air without allowing the outside air into the fermentation vessel.

Timer

If you have a smartphone you have all you need for this purpose.  Every smartphone has an alarm clock app or a timer app which can be purposed for brewing.  There are also apps specifically designed for brewing.  Most of them are not free, but like most things of this kind, you get what you pay for.  For the time being, we’ll assume your phone is fine for this task.

Heat source

You can’t boil water without heat.  If you figure out a way, call me.  What should you use, though?  I’ve brewed beer on the stove top in my kitchen, a wood stove in a guy’s garage, over an open fire using pine logs, using an electric burner that was computer controlled, and the most common method, a propane burner in an open garage or outside. Whatever you use, you need to make sure you can boil the size batch you intend to make in the shortest time possible.  More heat faster is best.  More BTUs gets you to beer faster.

Graaaaaaains!

Ingredients

This is a section in itself, but the basics are a sugar source which should be fine, malted barley, a good strain of hops, and water.  That along with heat and time are all that goes into a simple beer.  Kits for starting out arrive with all of the above, as well as extras that you will need to finish the recipe.  When you get better, you’ll undoubtedly experiment with all the possibilities.

Cooling System (optional)

Copper immersion wort chiller

The faster you cool your wort after you complete the boil, the better.  The cooling system can be an expensive option for some, but waiting for five gallons of boiled water to cool to room temperature can be tedious.  Not only that but the longer your wort is open to the elements, the more likely it is to pick up some bacteria that you absolutely don’t want.  The typical coolers are devices that hook up to your garden hose which you immerse in the wort.  You turn on the hose and the hose water picks up heat from the wort cooling it. Every step beyond this gets progressively more expensive.

I’ve connected two immersion chillers in series, one in the wort and one before it in an ice bath, to speed up the process.  Doing this while also immersing the pot full of wort in a larger pot filled with ice makes quick work of chilling.  Experimentation is good, though.

Auto siphons rule

Siphon (optional)

Moving your beer from one container to another is far easier with a siphon.  If you opt not to have one, muscle and some funnels are your other option.  Ask for help when pouring.  We don’t want to be responsible for any bad backs.

Hydrometer/ Refractometer (optional)

If you want to know how much alcohol is in your beer, you’ll absolutely need a way to measure your specific gravity.  You need to take two measurements.  One just before you add yeast (called ‘pitching’) and one just before you bottle.  A simple mathematical formula tells you how drunk you’ll get on 4 of your new beers.  This is listed as ‘optional’ but it’s really not optional if you care about the craft.

  Stay Tuned

That’s all for today.  As for the actual method of brewing, stay tuned for my breakdown of how to use the equipment, malts, hops, and yeast to get something you can actually drink.