#God I wish I could stop my younger self to buy that shit

[nightwhite13]

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[redpandaramblings]

Like Caramel For Chocolate- An Omega Bakugou x Alpha f!Reader fic. Part 3.

Part 1- Here

Previous part Here

Next Part Here

Content Warning: Negative headspace, omegaverse, self deprecation, depressive thoughts, pushy parental figures, ambiguous omegaverse reproduction, unhealthy relationships, relationship that could be easily fixed if idiots would use their words and communicate, Shinso/Denki side relationship

Where we left off-

You glanced up at the sound of the door. In came your parents, then the Yokomadas. You did a double take as the final person, the omega you were here to meet, entered the room. They looked equally as startled as your eyes locked.

“Y/N?”

“Denki?!”

You slowly walked through the teahouse garden, your electric blond friend oddly silent as he kept pace with you. Your parents and the Yokomadas had allowed the two of you a bit of privacy to talk. So far, neither of you had mustered the courage to break the awkward atmosphere. Neither your parents or the Yokomadas had seemed to pick up on Denki or your mood. If anything, they were thrilled you two already knew each other. With a sigh, you sat on a bench by the koi pond, not looking at the blond as to settled down next to you. After several minutes, he spoke.

“So. What are you doing here?”

You snorted, and gently dumped your shoulder against his.

“Right back at you, Pikachu.”

“I’ll tell you. After you tell me.”

You chuckled humorously, and tilted your head back to look at the sky.

“Would you believe me if I said I was just here to appease my mother?”

Denki considered for a moment before shaking his head.

“No. You’ve been saying no to her for years. So tell me, why are you here.”

You take a deep breath and let it out again slowly through your nose.

“I… I think I wanted to be here. Needed to.” You wrung your hands, throwing a sideways glance at Denki. “I… I want to be mated. Have a family. Have someone who needs me and lets me need them. I used to think Kat… I used to think Bakugou was my person. But I’m not sure anymore, Denks. You know what he’s like and so do I, but I’ve waited for years, and nothing, and I’m so tired, and I’m not even sure he even likes me anymore, and…” You’re stopped by Kaminari gently rubbing your back.

“Breath, Y/n. Come on. Deep breaths.”

You inhaled shakily. You hadn’t even noticed you’d been hyperventilating. Quiet settled again, aside from the sounds of nature and your slowly slowing breathing. After a few moments, you spoke again.

“I’m just so lonely, Denks. I see him every day, and I’m still so goddamn lonely. So I think… I think it’s time to let go.” Your lips twitched slightly upward as you tilt your head to look at him. “Am I terrible?”

Denki huffed out a breath and shook his head. “You? Never.” He sighed, removing his hand from you back as he began picking at the hem of his sleeve. “I wish I could say I didn’t understand. But I do. I’m kinda here for the same reason after all.”

You gave an encouraging hum and reached out, taking his hand in yours and running your thumb over his knuckles. He interlaced your fingers, giving a squeeze before continuing to speak.

“You know how I feel about Shinso, right?”

“I think everyone but Shinso knows how you feel about him.”

Denki snorted. “Yeah. Not surprised. But that’s the problem. I’ve liked him for years. Little bit of a crush but at UA, thought I could play it cool and it would go away; but then the agency paired us together and, well.” Denki gestured with the hand not holding yours. “It was so easy! I’d go boom! And then he’d go pow! Then shoom! It was amazing! He was amazing… And so I tried to get his attention. I tried so damn hard. And you know me.”

You snorted, giving his hand a squeeze. “You’re about as subtle as a brick through a living room window.”

“Exactly!” He shouted, pulling away to stand up and pace. “I flirted. I used all my best pick up lines. I asked him out to the club, and he said yes. But do you know what he said afterward? He said though it wasn’t his usual scene, it was really good being able to hang out with a friend. I… I asked him to spend my heat with me.”

You inhaled sharply. Kaminari looked at you with an expression you hardly recognized. He collapsed onto the bench, leaning heavily against you.

“He said ‘I’m glad you’re that comfortable with me, but it probably would be better for you to ask someone else.’” Denki whispered, sniffling.

“Oh.. Denki.” You wrapped your arms around the blond, squeezing him tightly. Half out of instinct, you tried to pump out soothing pheromones while you gently scented his hair. “He doesn’t know what he’s missing, sweetheart. You’re a wonderful omega!”

That was all it took for Denki to start sobbing heavily in your arms. You squeezed him tightly as tears filled your own eyes. The tears fell when Denki wrapped his arms around you, hugging you just as tightly as you held him. There in the tranquil garden you both huddled together as you finally allowed yourself to cry. Years of hurt and longing fell from your eyes one drop at a time.

You weren’t sure how long it had been when the two of you slowly pulled away from each other. You used your thumbs to wipe Denki’s cheeks. He gave you a halfhearted smile.

“So,” you asked tentatively, “what should we do? They’re going to expect an answer from us about this whole…” You waved a vague hand “Marriage date thing.”

Denki hummed, puffing up his cheeks as he blew out a breath. “God, I don’t know. Certainly wasn’t expecting it be you, you know? No offense.”

You drew back, gasping in mock anger. “Full offense!” You could only hold your expression a few seconds before you started snickering.

Denki grinned his first really grin of the day. “Well excuuuuse me for insulting your alpha sensibilities.”

“You’re excused. For now.”

You both chuckled. Looking out at the pond, you spoke again. “I just wish I had the right answers. And I really wish we had more time.”

Denki furrowed his brow. “Well… Technically, we could.”

“What do you mean?”

Denki bounced on his seat. “Okay. So. Hear me out. We both need time to process, clearly. Also clearly, our families are just not gonna give us that. So… Why don’t we do this?”

“Wait. Wait. We do this?” you asked, both curious and incredulous.

“Yeah! Think about it. One! They mainly want us in relationships they approved of. They set us up, so clearly, they approve. Two! If we say we’d like to try out this match, they obviously aren’t going to set up any more dates; therefore buying us time. And bonus of no annoying randos. Three! We can say we’re going to take the relationship slow because we’ve both been burned before and want to make sure. Four! Four…” Denki trailed off, looking at his feet.

“Four is maybe if we can’t find a love match at least we’re friends who work well together?” You murmured.

Denki nodded, glancing at you with a rueful smirk. “Yeah. Exactly. Vibe on the same wavelength. Hell, we even want similar shit in life.”

“Actual house, few pets, stability…”

Denki nodded again. “Sucks, but would make sense for us to consider it. As much as I fucking hate the ‘You’re not getting any younger’ speech, they are kind right. We can’t waste all our time waiting for things that aren’t gonna happen.”

You shook your head with a chuckle. “God, don’t you hate it when they’re right about shit like that?”

“You have no idea.”

You stood, stretching. “Well, I guess we go tell them, then.”

Denki groaned. “There isn’t enough saki in the world for that conversation.”

“And just so we’re clear, this stays between us for now, right? No one knows but us, our folks, and I guess your cousins.”

“Agreed. I don’t want to think about what anyone would say. Bakugou would kill me!”

You winced. “Unlikely. I doubt he’d care. But if Mina finds out, everyone will know.”

“You’re not kidding. No worries from me, I don't want this getting out any more than you do.”

“So… Engaged, I guess?”

Denki dusted himself off and stood. “Deal. Engaged.” Denki stuck his hand out, and you shook it.

You both turned and started making your way back to the teahouse, taking your time and going the long way to be sure to avoid and of the other patrons. This was fine. A good plan. Nothing could go wrong as long as no one found out.

And there you have part 3! Sorry the wait and thank you all for being patient! If anyone has any questions regarding the fic or how this particular omegaverse operates, please feel free to shoot me an ask. Also, please note that @snuggleyourredpandas is my main account, so it you see a message reply from them, that's me!

TAGLIST- @yzviea, @not-a-pushover, @thelilypieforever, @kumihayu, @aomi04, @ladybakugouu, @one-simp-more, @hakunamatatayqueen, @my-thoughts-are-weird, @left-alone-yuki, @officialtrashbusiness Just a reminder, if you want tagged make sure you have the ability to be tagged turned on; and I'd have to be informed if your blog name changes! Cheers, Darlings!

[midgardsbest]

Imagine: You feel a bit off today and the argument with your boyfriend Loki doesn’t make things better. What happens when a Steve who doesn’t understand British slang and an overprotective father ruin your sweet plan to get him back?

N/A: Hello dearests, enjoy this new Loki x reader imagine and tell me what are your impressions about it. If you wanna. If you don’t then DEATH. TO ALL OF THEM. Jk. Hope y’all got that reference. 🤟

Warnings: BestFriend!Natasha, Thor is lovely as usual, Dad!TonyStark, Boyfriend!Loki, Language, Fluff, Angst and more fluff, a bit of passion, and British reader/use of British slang (pretty easy and self-explanatory)

Words: 1953

Waking up that morning was tremendously hard. You stumbled against any piece of furniture installed inside of your room by your father, Tony Stark. Well, he was your stepfather, technically, but you weren’t particularly fond of the use of that word.

Yawning your way into the kitchen of the compound, you avoided meeting eyes with Steve. He had been more stressed than usual in the last few days, probably given the upcoming mission. He lashed out at you the day before, or at least that's what you thought was happening.

"I think a cuppa would serve you right."

"A what?"

You looked at him as if he were stupid, but you knew it couldn't be that. "A cuppa? It's.. a cup of tea. You don't know that?" Given his expression, either he was a bit dumb or was just done with you for that day. "No. I like coffee. But thank you."

You weren't mad at him, of course. Nonetheless, ignoring him for a bit did sound like a better idea than trying to cheer him up with your British manners, if you could say. He did not look happy about that.

Staring at the emptiness of your black coffee (and almost gagging at the rough taste), you swallowed the smothering ache in your heart. What was it you were yearning for?

You couldn't place in your mind the exact reason behind this suffering, but you soon grew tired of it. With a pair of eyes following your figure left unnoticed, you dragged yourself up to your room to somehow get ready.

"What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know man. Shouldn't you be locked up in your room like Stark- and he's gone. Thanks for the chat, popsicle."

This was boring, wasn't it? It was raining outside. Perhaps if you were in a rom-com you'd be soaked wet, lightheartedly dancing with a cover of dreamy clouds in the sky, glancing at your boyfriend from time to time, pretending you didn't see his "this is the woman I'll marry" eyes consuming you entirely. However, you weren't the protagonist of a rom-com, much less of a poorly written fan fiction. Additionally, your dear boyfriend wasn't officially... well, your boyfriend, and he'd been ignoring you completely. Which hurt, but your pride defeated your consciousness and you didn't want to talk to him about it.

Then, an idea took place in your mind. You had an opportunity to get back your not-much-of-a-boyfriend, the Captain's shy smile and your fun. Some might say even something more along the way.

"I AM DONE. COMPLETELY, UTTERLY DONE."

You slammed the door of Natasha's office, ignoring the frightening look she gave you and pointed to the chair right in front of you with questioning eyes.

"You slammed my door shut, might as well."

Your eyes dropped unnoticeably. Someone would have noticed though, only he wasn't there.

"I gotta do something. Would you help me with it?."

"What would I help you with, exactly? Y/N, if this is one of your unsettled plans..." She leaned back on the chair, tapping the desk with her bare fingernails.

"No! You can trust me on this, Nat. Please do. I'll buy you some nail polish."

"What?"

"What?"

"WHAT?" Tony on the verge of an anxiety attack wasn't exactly how you thought this plan would go, even though him finding out was not part of it as well.

"Boss, your heart rate is increasing critically."

"Vacation's over. FRIDAY, let's go back to the compound."

You could hear their voices on the other end of the line.

You still didn't utter a word, already having made the mistake of asking your dad when he was bound to return from his "job thing" in Rome. You shouldn’t have said that, because "you never care about it", so it was either a party you were planning or a date. Besides, you might've mentioned the mission that you later remembered, you weren’t supposed to know about.

Your leg was trembling now, having realized the crap mistake you made. "Well shit."

"Y/N!"

"Oh, forgot you were still on. Love you, Dad, bye."

Natasha gawked at you, shaking her head slightly, arms crossed in front of her. This plan was a massive mistake. But it was your plan and you wouldn’t give up on it.

Around noon, Stark made his entry into the structure and went straight to your room, knocking on the door half a time and anchoring his feet to the ground with every step. Hiding your uneven breath, and thanking Nat for her wise advice ("just play sick", she said), you raised the sheets over your painted red nose.

Your dad searched for you in your cosy bedroom, just to find your teary innocent eyes full of greed for success. Maybe you did have a fever.

"Sweetheart, why didn't you tell me you were sick? I thought you were gonna run off to a party or something you kids do."

You shifted under the covers. Shit. That was the plan after all. You were going to coerce Steve into partying with you somewhere you knew Loki would find you, like perhaps that club just around the corner where he wore that leather jacket once. Big story. Regardless, it didn't mean much now that he just vanished from your life.

"I wouldn't have gone anywhere."

An aching cough caught your breath. You tried to keep your eyebrows from furrowing at the actual symptom. You never got sick. Not really, at least.

Tony's eyes were clouded with worry, not liking the sight of you in pain.

"This is what we'll do, kid. You get some rest and I'll have Steve make you some tea."

You sniggered: "Just don't call it a cuppa."

As soon as he left the room, Natasha came out of the bathroom. Your eyes felt heavy, but your mind was still somewhere else.

"You'd make a great actress, has anyone told you that?" she grinned. You liked Nat, especially when you knew she was comfortable enough to enjoy spending time with you. She was your first real friend here at the compound. Your father would keep you hidden here when you were younger, and even though he tried his best to never make you feel like you were alone, he wasn't around much, and always left you with Pepper or Happy, who you now knew as your mother and uncle.

You coughed once again, this time harder, and brought a hand on your chest.

Nat stared at you for a little while.

"You're ill."

"Yeah. And the sun's coming out. This day just couldn't get worse. Did I just manifest getting sick?"

When she stood up from the little chair that was at the side of your bed, she gave you a comforting smile, and then she left, leaving you in Morpheus' arms to fall asleep.

"Do you think perhaps it is best to wake her?"

"Don't be foolish, brother. She is much better like this."

"You mean she's comfortable?"

"I mean she's bearable."

"Ughh."

"Perfect! Lady Y/N, you seem to have awakened."

You looked at the Norse brothers standing at the feet of your bed, still feeling dizzy from your remarkable nap. You hadn't slept this good in a while.

"Thor. Yes. Woken u-uh..p." You stood up. You looked at them. You glanced at them once again.

"OH MY GOD." You quickly covered your face with your hands. Gods, Loki was in your room. He wasn't looking at you, but he was in your room. You could feel his coldness reaching up to your veins - and heart, not only making you feel sick in your stomach but also causing a complementary shameful headache.

"Is uhm... something wrong, Y/N?" Thor's warm voice grounded you slightly but never enough.

With a shallow breath, you released your hands, dropping them along with your head. Looking at the silk white sheets, you wondered if strangling yourself with them would solve anything.

"No, thank you, Thor. Could you just give me a minute to uhm... I need to uh... powder my nose."

He smiled. "Ah yes of course. We'll be in the kitchen."

Your breath hitched. You had to do something.

"Wait!" They altered their steps, this time you looked directly into Loki's ice-blue eyes. "Gotta speak. I mean- I- 'd like to speak to Loki. For a minute. If possible."

Thor adjusted the weight on his feet and then nodded, sizing the room with his comfortable aura.

The instant he left, that same energy vanished, leaving you and that subjugating man to war. A conflict formed of rivalry, an uneasy sense of fear for all that was yet to be said and a deep, desperate need for each other in all ways known to your kind.

You soon grew tired of the dreadful silence. "Are you gonna say anything or shall I speak first?"

"Speak." He kept on staring at the window.

You debated if getting out of the bed would be better for this argument.

"Don't. And there will be no such thing as an argument. I'm not going to force your decision."

You blinked at him. What? Did the ice get to his head?

"Pardon? What decision? And who gave you permission to read my mind, Loki? You left me. Alone. You didn't speak to me for a week. Like... out of nowhere. Just like that- What. Decision." You did get out of bed, now showing your white lace robe to him. If he were looking at you, you'd have felt naked under his gaze.

He kept silent for a while and you did not once stop beholding him.

"I thought you wished not to see me again." He finally witnessed you, completely, entirely, just like you knew he would. Just the way you longed for.

"Why? When did you ever get that impression from me? If I did something wrong please tell me but don't just... don't go away from me."

He attentively took a few steps closer to you. It looked menacing but you knew he was just calculating your next move. He was the prey. But it was you who kept still.

"The bar." The bar?

"What bar?"

"Last week, you brought me to a place. I wore a leather jacket."

Your eyes instantly watered a bit.

"Loki..."

"No. My actions were unnecessary and I shouldn't have- I-."

You broke, fully. You gave in to your heart and hurried to him, still too far across the room. You wrapped your trembling hands around him and almost fell whilst doing so. But he held you mightily, adapting to your action like a lock when it finds its key.

"Lokes... why'd you think that?" You tucked your face in his green and golden armour. "I lo- I know you didn't mean that. You didn't do anything wrong. Please. Is that why you weren't speaking to me anymore?"

Glancing up at him, your gazes met, lost in each other like you could both find your way home. "Yes."

You smiled softly. "Don't do that again. Just talk to me next time."

"There won't be a next time". At that, you frowned. Would he never go out with you again?

"What d'you mean?"

He caressed your cheek, hidden emotions revealed by the trembling of the movement.

"I'll do my best to not do you wrong ever again. It is a promise I'll keep as close to my heart as a dagger."

You giggled dreamily. "Please don't put a knife to your heart."

He moved you closer to his touch. "I won't. But if I do it'll be you who holds the handle."

"You cheeky bastard." And to that, he kissed you ardently, air unneeded for your lungs to work.

N/A: Any idea on what might’ve happened at the club? Also… Loki in a leather jacket.

[dinogoofy]

Rain x GN! Reader.

Asshole.

Its taken me two weeks to get back into the flow of writing fics, but I hope you guys like this!

Warning for swears.

(Disclaimer that this takes place from mkx to mk11, and is not perfectly accurate to the storyline that comes after aftermath, but its my own AU if how I wish it ended, so...)

----

"Shao Kahn was already pushing the line, but mileena as well? Rain, think about what you are saying!" He huffs, his gaze shifting to your eyes.

"You know my reasons." Squeezing your eyes shut, you pressed the palms of your hands to your temples. It's difficult to understand what is going on in Rain's head sometimes.

He had always been hard to deal with. Rain had hired you to help him find someone a while back. Your family line was well known in all relms for their tracking abilities and moral code. You had your doubts about accepting Rain's offer, but the payment offered was more than enough to get you on board.

As the months grew longer, the hunt slowed to a stop. There were No tracks. No clues, not a single strand of evidence to be followed. Rain's brothers remained untouchable. In the meantime, you and Rain had become... close. And you stayed by his side as he shamelessly served Shao Kahn.

Before this, you has always been neutral on outworlds chaotic ruler. But after meeting Kitana and learning of his cruelty in both his political and personal endeavors, you became increasingly uneasy as you remained with Rain.

But now, Shao Kahn was dead. Kotal had taken his place. And it was time to make a decision.

"Is the power- will it ever be enough for you?! Will you ever be satisfied? Mileena is a wild card, Rain! Agreeing to serve her is madness!" Rain's hands flexed, shoulders set back, eyes hard and zeroed in on you. You knew Rain well, you thought. And you could tell there was no getting through to him.

"The power will be enough when I say it is. I deserve everything I want. You deserve-" your heart fluttered as he cut himself off abruptly. Your demeanor softened, and his did too. You almost didn't notice as he started to take a few steps closer to you. His silence was deafening.

"I think you know what I am about to say," He was closer now, close enough for you to just barely feel his breath on your face. He has taken off his mask, and it took every bit of restraint you had to resist throwing yourself in his arms. No. You would never so such a thing. You scolded yourself for being so emotional.

"Do I?" He lifts a hand to caress your face, and against your better judgment, you melted into his touch. You could tell that this was an act. It had to be. From the very beginning you knew that he would most likely only ever love himself. You told yourself that this moment to him is only a chance to get you to remain with him as a pawn. You had always been a pawn to him, and you could tell he hadn't realized you always knew. Still yet...

"Despite my fondness for you Rain, I think this may be where our paths diverge." His body language remained stiff, but he pressed his forehead to your own. His lips in a thin line.

"I know..." This was quite enough. He was such a bad liar that it had started to hurt. You take his hand off your face and into your own, taking a step back from him. Your eyesight locked onto your conjoined hands only.

"This will not be the last time we meet, I can promise you that." For better or for worse, you silently continued after.

"Good. I'll be anticipating our reunion." You take one last good look at him, holding back the words, the tears, the angry and loving things you wish you could say to him in this moment, and you leave him there.

Sometimes, honor and common sense must come before a one-sided love.

You portal back to earthrelm for the first time in months both physically, and emotionally, alone.

----

Whatever time debacle that had just occurred ment, you sure as hell didn't want any part of it. After less than half a week, your younger self had disappeared from the old farmhouse where you lived, and almost everything had gone back to normal.

You hadn't heard from any if your outworld friends in quite some time now, and had faith that whatever had happened, they had it taken care of.

You had just returned from helping an elderly neighbor track down some lost cattle, and were currently curled up in the sofa with a warm cup of tea. Simply enjoying life altogether.

-When a sudden light filled the room, starting you enough to drop your mug, and two figures stepped out of the portal as it shattered on the wooden floors.

"Did we catch you at a bad time?" Fujin had a friendly smile on his face, Nightwolf by his side, his serious counterpart. You were so shocked you almost forgot about the glass.

"Fujin, Nightwolf, I'm almost happy to see you! It's been a while."

"It has," Nightwolf replied, "But I am afraid that this visit isn't simply to reconnect." You sighed, life could never just be simple, could it?

"I had a feeling." You stooped to clean the glass, inviting them to sit while you picked up the pieces. Nightwolf politely declined while fujin stopped to help you.

"Rain has returned. Along with Mileena." If you were drinking water, you were sure that you would've done a spit take. Your head snapped back to look up at fujin, heart almost stopping for a moment.

"I- I thought Mileena was-"

"Dead. We know. After the past and present merged she managed to worm her way into outworld again."

"And... and Rain?" Fujin and Nightwolf shared a look. Oh gods. They knew. They definitely knew. You busied yourself with the glass, taking the other pieces from Fujin and absent-mindedly walking over to the trashcan.

"Rain had resurfaced around the same time Mileena did. We caught them mid battle with an earthrelm man before both disappeared." The glass hitting the bottom of the trashcan was as much of a distraction you allowed yourself to have.

"Rain and I have cut ties. How does this involve me?"

Fujin spoke; "Kitana is now Kahn of outworld. Both he and Mileena want to take her throne, we are asking you to keep Rain in check while we deal with Mileena's uneveitable attack."

You froze for a moment, blankly staring into space. You would get to see Rain again. Maybe even have a chance to sort out the mixed emotions you've been holding in for so long. (By tracking him down and beating the shit out of him, of course. ) But most likely he would hold a grudge for the rest of time afterwards, despising you for "keeping him from his potential". Then again, you thought about Kitana. No, Kitana Kahn. For a moment all you could think about is how proud you were of her. Your old friend, restored to her kinder self and now ruler of outworld. It took a moment but you finally gave the two men an answer.

"I'll do it."

The men nodded.

"Buy us as much time as you can."

----

This was such a bad idea.

You had tracked Rain down in less than a day, and now as he stood before you, you prayed the swell of your broken heart would go down before you choked on your new mission.

Rain was roasting fish over a small campfire in the thickest part of the jungle you had ever been to, a wide smirk on his face. He was not at all surprised to see you, in fact, something about him seemed... different. More genuine. But maybe that is just the hunter part of your brain speaking. The more distracted the target is the easier the takedown will be. He called your name.

"It's good to see you," you swallowed hard, starting to regret agreeing to this before you spoke.

"I wish I could say the same." He stood, sauntering over to you. For a just a moment, his facade almost dropped at your words. You almost didn't catch it. Was he sick? What had happened to the rain you knew? The lair, the theif? No. He hadn't changed, you had to be over analyzing everything about him.

"I believe I know why you are here. Does your support of Kitana really outweigh our past?" The way he said your name after almost made you choke. You narrowed your eyes at him, curling your fists.

"Trust me. That kindness I showed you then won't transfer into Kombat."

The fight was a difficult one, and yet you still won. The demigod, exhausted and face down in the brush, could no longer fight. As you wound your enchanted rope around his wrists, Rain started to chuckle.

"I'm starting to wish I never gifted you that rope." A sly smile plastered itself on your face as you continued to focus on the knots.

"It was designed to help me keep your brothers trapped, you should've known the risks when you commissioned it." Rain mumbled something petty, and you replied by yanking him up off the dirt and into a sitting position, leaving him for just a moment to prod at the dying embers of his fire. You could practically feel his stare burning into the back of your head as he eyed you from behind.

"You are still just as beautiful as I remember." You were thankfull for the setting sun as your cheeks flushed red. He had never sounded so genuine about a compliment before.

"Flattery won't get you out of this." You stated as you sat down next to him, biting into the fish that he was cooking earlier. Damn. The taste was nice reminder of your old days together.

"Worth a try." You snickered at him. His personality surely hadn't changed much, but the way he glanced at you every once in a while caught you off guard. The beating of your heart being a disappointing reminder that you still loved him.

"I realized something the day you left," His drawl of your name caught your attention, but you said nothing, continuing to stare into the small, dying, fire.

"I know you will not believe me, not now, not ever. But I never truly knew how much I cared for you until you were walking away from me." Absolutely not. No. FUCK No. He was not going to do this to you now. GODS you hated how genuine he sounded, how genuine he seemed. It felt like anger and something else were stabbing the inside of your lungs and ripping out pieces of yourself.

And yet part of you knew that for once, he wasn't lying when he said that. At this point, logic had all but escaped from your mind. Grabbing him by the collar of his stupid purple armor, you stared in his eyes, searching for any sort of indication that this was all some well performed lie. But...

Rain was being genuine. He thought that he could rule alone, but the loss of your support ment a more to him than he thought anything ever could. And he hoped that after everything, you would believe him. (This did not mean he would just ignore the fact that you have him under arrest at this moment, however.)

"If I ever find out that you are lying, I'm killing you on the spot. Understand?!" Rain smiled widely as your eyes bore into him. He knew you were serious, you always had been one to keep promises.

When he leaned forward to kiss you, the anger dissipated just a bit, but your resolve, as always, remained the same. You never thought that a kiss would feel so good.

[exdann-ia]

✴ Oh Sweet Home | Louis & Dann

It all had gone so wrong so quickly.

Louis liked to make others believe he was strong. He could take care of himself and others, and he didn’t get hurt as easily as others might. He especially liked to be rather rebellious and stoic when it came to his family–as he had shown with Mujin, and even possibly Dann. He claimed he wouldn’t care if his father was against his relationship, or if he was upset–

But some things just dug in deep, especially when he was told his father was disappointed in him. For whatever reason, this really struck a nerve.

I can’t believe you couldn’t even do this one thing expected of you from this family.

“Is an heir really that important?” He all but snarled back, feeling his eyes beginning to burn. His mother stood there, at her husband’s side, completely blank with her arms folded in front of her. He’d looked to her for help, for something, anything–but nothing.

“And what do you mean by even? You act like I–”

You’ve always been a pain in our ass. His father snapped, this time getting a bit of a response from his mother. She just looked down, though. She didn’t stand up for her son. Why couldn’t you do this one thing? Just one thing right? I should have known you’d be a disappointment.

He winced at his words, but didn’t say anything else. Just stared at his parents, his family, for a long moment–then turned to leave, pulling his phone out to text Dann to come pick him up. Thank god they’d come home together, or he wouldn’t know what to do. And he was equally as thankful that he ended up deciding to not let Dann sit in on this shit show.

Louis lasted all the way up until he slid into his boyfriend’s car and it was clear that Dann could see something was wrong. So of course he’d ask if he was okay–but it seemed to break the very last bit of self control that Louis had. The younger leaned his arms against the dashboard and hid his face into them, shoulders trembling as silent tears fell, making his poor boyfriend have to toss the car into park on the side of the road to actually do anything for Louis. He let out a sob once the car stopped, being tugged at by the oldest of the trio to look up to him, but the major just gripped onto Dann’s arm and pressed his face between his shoulder and the seat, trying to hide his face from him as best he could in their current situation.

​

After dropping off Louis at his place, he instantly drove to the bakery nearby. He felt anxious about everything, for Louis, him and Mujin. Taking care of Mujin as he was completely passed out from drinking quite a bit because of his parents reaction and he could only hope that maybe all of their parents would eventually come to an understanding. “I’m sure everything will be okay..” he muttered softly running his fingers through the locks of his hair being a bit frantic having him step into the bakery shop. But just in case it didn’t he ended up buying sweets for two. Whether it would turn out good or bad sweets can either be a reward or considered comfort. 

Thanking the worker having him glance at his phone when receiving a text from his boyfriend biting his own lip anxiously. And so he quickly left driving off heading back to to Louis’s family home and as soon as he looked up at the other, he knew. He had wished his boyfriend had him go along with him, but he understood. All Dann wanted was for his parents to realize that they are raising an amazing son who is always working hard. And so instead of asking what did they say, what happen he brought him close within his arms. “Hey it’s okay. I’m here.” he whispered running his fingers through the strands of his hair. 

“Louu” he paused as he gently lifted the other’s chin to look towards him gently wiping his tears away. “No matter what they say just know that you’re an amazing person alright? I love you. Mujin loves you. We both love you for who you are.” He wanted to reassure his boyfriend that he is an amazing person in his eyes and many others had thought the same. “I know ah this is random but” his lips pursed as he held out a latte for the other along with sweets that he had for the two that was placed in a bag. “I bought us sweets at our favorite bakery.  Want to go take a walk at the park before we head to my parents place?” He didn’t to rush into having to deal with his father just yet. Plus his mother had told him to take his time since they were occupied with dealing paperwork. 

“The park is not that far from here. My parents can wait.” And before Louis can even say anything he had walked out of his car along with two drinks and the bag filled pastries opening the door for Louis. 

“Is that a yes then?” Not like Louis can say no though. 

@louis-ia

[thegc4life]

Hello, Dearheart 💛 I'm dropping by to ask if you have any little ficlets or plot bunnies you'd be willing to share. I've been wanting to write my own, but I don't have the skills to bring anything to fruition. Your works always get my imagination & creativity a running start! If not, I simply want to also wish you a good day/night wherever & whenever you are to see this :)

-Starlight anon 🌠

Starlight! My dearest dear!! You can’t call me Dearheart, love, it will kill me T-T my whole heart. Melted.

And awwww! What a sweet thing to say! I have a whole doc of fic ideas and wips but the majority of them are gifts for people so they must remain a secret! There is a whole section at the end full of random ideas I didn’t know where to put though XD

I’ll put those in, if you’re interested! It’s really just me rambling ideas to myself. But they are cute and/or brain snatching so I think about them a lot.

A lot.

Here you go, Dove!

Apparently a sequel to Haunted House is much loved. Ponder. (Hawks being oblivious to the villain things, they all word it so well XD Heroes think he’s innocent bird guy that needs to be *warned*. Hawks wins over both sides by being an idiot? Perhaps.) oh. OH! (OR, Smokey had a wonderful brain idea, Hawks knows and actively helps them but because of his dedication to them for saving him, his love for them *cough*Spinner*cough* he goes above and beyond all the damn time to keep them all safe and is constantly overworked and exhausted. As Hawks are want to be. So Spinner keeps forcing him to rest or arguing with the others about overworking him. Family bond family bond family bond). Or literally just do a montage of cute with Spinner trying and failing horribly (but in fact succeeding cause the fails are cute af) to flirt and take care of Hawks and Hawks just chilling the fuck out because he’s tired god damn it. And throw in some return gestures of course. Triple that cute output.

Babysitter Eraser/Mic (fuck, find who said this, this is GOOD) for pro hero sibs or kids

Figure out who to put this under, there’s a few who love ShigaHawks: Shigaraki as a hero. Super hardworking and dedicated to his job. The laziest laze to ever laze after. Hawks, who literally will probably explode if he ever stops ever is best friend from childhood (or they both debuted at the same time and somehow this ‘I take care of you’ ‘yeah sure, carry away’ thing was born) and literally just carries him everywhere, spoils the fuck out of him, buys him a bunch of shit. And Shigaraki adores his stupid bird friend that overworks himself and will literally lay on him to make him rest, gets into online fights all the fucking time in his honor (at some point Hawks figures this out), loves preening his wings for him (it’s just platonic preening bro), and makes Hawks feel like Keigo always. Very soft, very sweet, full of asshole banter and adorableness.

EVERYTHING ABOUT KOU EVER

Time Travel Hawks. After he loses his wings, gets chucked back. His younger self is with the commission (very young, has maybe been with them for a year). Approaches the President (scares the shit out of her in her house after hanging around there for a week bumming out of her fridge because she rarely comes home) and admits to her who he is, where he is from… and that’s it. Tells her that he refuses to let her know what is going to happen but convinces her to support him (because she raised him, he knows her, and god damn do I love the potential ‘I don’t really trust you but you’re the only family I technically have and I do trust the pieces of you I’ve known all my life’.) With her backing him he gets shit done (...Maybe gets put in charge of training his younger self? A line about ‘ah, so the handled becomes the handler. Great’. Ohhh, that would work great. Cute moments with little him, and then he gets attached. And he doesn’t want little him turning out like him so ‘to the point’ training sessions turn into flights around the city, introducing all the best restaurants, getting the chicklet some gosh dang friends, ect.) Befriends Twice heckin early (figure out timeline for Twice’s backstory). Jeanist. I don’t know how, but throw Jeanist in there as a pivotal character. Maybe Hawks, not feeling comfy with basically raising himself, introduces baby Hawks to Jeanist somehow and keeps spider webbing meetings between them so Jeanist gets attached (like he knew he would) so that baby Hawks has a super caring, badass Dad (surprise, asshole, you’re also Dad now, so baby Hawks has two at least) Saving of all the children. Knows that Endeavor only started trying to change after All Might fell. So, being Hawks, he decides the best course of action is to beat All Might. 

Compress and his fucking collarbones. A whole damn fic about being too damn attractive. Takes off the mask and fighting stops. Misdirection? YOU MEAN HIS CHEST?! Or his hair. Or his face in general (those fucking collarbones, why you do this Hori? “I can’t draw hot men”, well all I see is EVERYTHING I WANT!)

5 times Hawks ran into the random civilian and the one time he realized it was Wash: what has this discord done to me (...I could do this for PJ. This could work and not kill me inside. Ponder when rested)

Wash as a bartender AU (....Ponder when well rested)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #425

“evolution repressed by our backwards contest  /  breeding our torrential demise as we come to this edge”

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? I think Nutella is a godsend, but I use peanut butter waaaaay more often. We don't even really buy Nutella because I will destroy the jar. Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Baked. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn. I think. Do you like breadsticks? I just like bread, man. What are your favorite things to spend money on? Tattoos, uuuuugggghhhhh <3 Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Neither, really. Most puppies drive me insane (even though they're cute as everliving fuck), and I don't want another cat. Mom actually talked about getting another, but I really just want my one boy. Roman would get SO jealous, anyway. I enjoy just having my baby. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26. Yikes. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? As "the fat one," I can be sometimes. I would say though that more often than not, it's sort of whatever to me because I'm a human that has to eat. When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts? I thought I slept way later than I actually did. What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody? My stuffed meerkat Rebel. Jason got it for me for my first birthday that we were together. Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic? Never again. I was once able to think "agree to disagree," but sometimes by doing so, you're siding with evil by not enforcing what is more than just a belief. It should come with being a human. Also given my own sexuality, it would be a slap in the face to me. Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one? Hell no. I'd date one though, if they were modest about their position. Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried? Wow, no. Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence? Quite frankly, nowadays, my appearance. I need it. My self-confidence is so far below "shit." Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? Nope. You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why? Hm. I know I talk about it a lot, but it would still probably be a 40 gallon terrarium for Venus. She needs - and deserves - it. Honestly, have you ever danced naked? NOOOOOOOO. What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? Downloaded music. My mom eventually found out, but didn't care much. What is the home page on the computer you’re on? Google. Do you like to write poetry? I do, but I haven't done it in a while. :/ Are your ears pierced? Yes. If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle? Piercing gun. Which, by the way, do not do. There are many more risks with a piercing gun versus a needle by a professional. Do you wear makeup regularly? I never do. Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? No. I've been on a bagel kick lately. When was the last time you tripped over something? Last night, actually. The rug in the living room was slightly turned up, and I tripped in the dark. I didn't actually fall, thankfully. Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies? I'm diagnosed with OCD. I experience more ruminations and intrusive thoughts more than obsessive behaviors, though. Who was the last person you yelled at? Probably Mom. Why did you yell at them? I don't remember. Favorite type of apple? I like pink lady apples. I really enjoy any, so long as they're crisp. Ever seen live horse racing? No. To be totally honest, I don't really like the concept of it. Motivating a horse to run by hurting it doesn't exactly seem moral... How about live greyhound racing? No. What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without? The Internet, haha. Have you ever touched a giraffe? No. What does your mom call you? Britt. What stresses you out the most in life? I really don't think I could pick a top one. There are so many. Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite? Yeah. Y'all probably know WoW is my favorite. If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero? I used to be able to slam out Expert easily with only very few songs I had to play on Hard, but now it's been YEARS. I've played less than once in a blue moon, and my skill's definitely faded some. It really depends on the song. What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend? He couldn't handle my depression anymore. What’s your favorite country song? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw, probably. What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you? Fail to communicate what he was feeling with me and then make a dashing break for it very, very abruptly after three and a half years. It put me past a state of shock, but trauma with how no less than obsessed I was with him. What were you for Halloween last year? I didn't dress up. :/ I wish I had the money and motivation alike to. Are you feeling guilty for something? I always will. Are you usually quiet or loud? Quiet. How many hours do you spend on the computer a day? Like... uh... all of them, oof. What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? Meerkat Manor. Do your siblings text you? Not really. Do you want a small or big wedding? Small. Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth? Not the house I currently live in, but I have before. Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No. Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you? Frankly, no. Do you own your own computer? This laptop, anyway. Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? Yes, with my younger sister as a kid and pre-teen. What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment? I hear the video I'm watching, as well as my fan. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yes. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? Nothing. Not like that's a surprise. What do you typically order from Wendy’s? Son of the Baconator. @_@ Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? No. Those are so awkward to me. What do you love most about yourself? I don't know these days. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? No. What are you doing right now? This survey and re-watching John Wolfe play Outlast 2. What’s bothering you right now? I'm immensely nervous about tomorrow. I have my first (and I pray the fuck to God not only) session with my new personal trainer then, and I'm terrified by how my body and my mental fortitude is going to react. Y'all have no fucking idea JUST how out of shape I am, and the muscles in my legs seem basically non-existent by now. I have to do something about my health, though, and I'm determined to make this shit work. More than determined. I know the first day is going to be hard, but I need to do this more than I can explain. What was the last thing you drank? ... What great fucking timing, I have a can of Mountain Dew, lol... That's another thing that needs to change. I've gotta stop the emotional and boredom-eating and chill the fuck out with soda. Be honest, do you like people in general? Quite frankly, no. There are plenty of people I love and think are amazing, of course, but I think I lean towards humanity being too shitty to like "in general." Do you want your tongue pierced? I miss my snake eyes. :/ That was suuuuch a cute piercing. I just had to take it out for the safety of my teeth. I kept accidentally clamping down on one of the balls when eating, and it would cause tiny fractures. Do you change your phone background a lot? No. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? It's not funny-sounding, no, I just think it's too manly for me to enjoy as part of my name. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? Yes. Oddly enough, I don't remember what I OD'd on now... You'd think I would, given how extreme the situation was. It was some cold medicine. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I absolutely do. It's extremely insensitive to people like myself who legitimately suffer - and I do mean "suffer" - from the disorder. Describe your day so far in three words: Dull. Lazy. Anxious. What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? Probably my senior project and the presentation I had to do for it. I taught about the fallacies and misconceptions of snakes, and I made a PowerPoint and some drawings to color and crosswords for the special ed children. I was so, so very nervous, but I got through it fine and the kids seemed to enjoy it. I actually still have the recording. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: MILKY WAY. FUCK I love those. Have you ever stepped in dog poop? UGH yes. What was the last thing you spent money on? My niece's birthday present. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Is there a guy that knows a lot about you? I almost said "yes," but then I realized he doesn't know me at all anymore. I've changed so much, hopefully mostly for the better. He hasn't "known" me in many years. Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without? It's terrifying to imagine my life without Mom; Sara, too. Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee? I prefer no coffee. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have somewhere to sit that's not the ground, yes. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Sometimes. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? They're pretty, but I don't support their usage by this point in my life. They're a fire hazard, triggering to some vets with PTSD, and beyond terrifying for animals. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? I get most heated about child molestation. You do not fucking touch a child like that. I don't even write any of my bajillion evil guys committing it in RP because I just can't stomach it. Even when my little sister (a children's social worker) is telling Mom about some stuff she sees at work, I have to not be present, 'cuz that shit isn't rare. It's nauseating. Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? A good number of people, honestly. Do you enjoy tanning? Hell no, I avoid the sun and heat at like all costs. Are you a virgin? This is going to sound weird, but I actually don't know, but I lean towards no. Who’s your celebrity crush? mARK EDWARD FISCHFUCK Did or do you get good grades in English class? I was always excellent in English. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? My stomach. But I'm self-conscious about everything else, too. Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner? No. Everyone knows I can't cook worth a damn. Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Truly close, no. Unless you include pets, actually. Then a few. :/ Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Yep. When was the last time you got a shot? Earlier this year for Covid. Get your fucking vaccine, btw. :^)

[notgonnarememberthis]

find your way (back to me) - chapter two

The reception for this fic was so fucking sweet, this really went beyond what I expected I honestly just thought this would be a self service fic but it hit off so well. Honestly, wrote the next chapter to cope with the anxiety of being home and general holiday stress so I hope y’all enjoy it. And thank y’all for all the sweet comments they mean the fucking world to me.

Jessica tries not to let the sigh escape her throat, she really does. But when Gil comes in arms loaded with gifts it probably took him weeks to save for she can’t help it.

She can afford literally anything he wanted to buy for her or the kids and then some, but she resisted.

If not to see the proud little grin on his face when he knows he absolutely nailed the gift that the recipient never even knew they wanted.

He’s quite good at knowing what people never knew they needed.

She invites him in, nonetheless, taking some of the load off, only with a little chiding that he still shouldn’t carry so much. It has only been a few months since his injury. He needs to give his body time to heal. 

Malcolm and Ainsley would arrive soon, hopefully carrying something that wasn’t a twist-on. But for now she would enjoy Gil’s company. His warmth wards off the cold that always seemed to linger in the hollow rooms. His smile lights up even the darkest corners as she leans into his embrace. He pulls out old records that collected dust for years, grabbing her hand and swinging her around the room with more grace than anyone would expect.

They don’t even notice when the children arrive. Only when Gil spins her and she nearly runs straight into Malcolm do they realize they are no longer alone. The laughter catches the air like a flame, spreading across the room with an infectious glee that most of them had not known for far too long. Gil pulls Ainsley in next, taking her as his next partner.

She almost bursts with joy when Malcolm takes her hand to dance without hesitation. His movements are still but he is letting go, allowing himself to enjoy the small moments in life that don’t revolve around homicide.

She’s so proud that she feels tears building behind her eyes.

The music fades and the silence takes over, no longer as deafening but rather content.

Jessica startles awake to a loud crash. Immediately she regrets opening her eyes as pain rips through her head. She reaches up to feel where it hurts but something is holding her down.

It takes a few seconds for the world to come into focus, once it does she wishes desperately for the peace of the dream. Her hands are zip tied to the chair she’s sitting in, her neck and head both ache like nobody’s business. She shuffles through her mind to try to remember what the hell happened. There was a crash, then her world was spinning, she checked on Adolpho… Oh god, Adolpho.

A soft sob of realization takes over her. What happened between the crash and now? How the hell did she get here? She was on her way to a meeting for becoming the head of Eve’s charity in her honor.

“Oh good, you’re awake.” Fake sincerity drips from a figure previously hidden by the shadows. She stiffens, suddenly all too aware of her situation. She holds still, as if that would help, if she wouldn’t move they wouldn’t see her. If she closes her eyes she can open them again to the warmth and happiness radiating from her family. “Sorry for the mess, had to improvise.” The shadow gestures absentmindedly. 

“Who are you?” Her voice rasps painfully. She wonders how long exactly she was out for.

“Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’m much more interested in you.” He comes closer, enough for her to recognize that he’s wearing a mask. “Jessica Whitly, my you are a sob story if there ever was one.” He walks across the room, footsteps echoing off the concrete walls. “Disgraced daughter of the Miltons, married to a serial killer, and dated another socialite exposed to be heading a dubious business,” he sighs. “Truly Shakespearian, have you thought about selling the rights to your story?” 

“Are you done?” She tries not to let her voice waver, her fear shakes just beneath the surface, but she’s not running or hiding now. Malcolm and Gil will find her. She just needs to stall as long as she possibly can.

“Hardly.” The venomous glee sends a chill down her spine. He tilts his head in a way that flashes her back as if she were in Claremont all this time. “Just killing time until our guest arrives.”

“I can give you all the money you want, just let me go.” The bark of a laugh makes her jump, immediately regretting the sudden movement as pain pierces her skull yet again.

“I don’t want your money. It can all burn for all I give a shit.”

“What do you want then?” She pleads.

Even with the mask she can feel his deadly grin, like a cat taunting it’s prey just before it pounces. “You.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Gil checks his phone yet again, waiting for Malcolm’s text. He told JT to get Ainsley and get both of them back to the precinct immediately. He almost wishes he’d done it for himself, having them in his sight would be a hell of a lot more comforting right now especially as he stares at the lieu of pictures scattered across his desk.

He trusts JT, though. He’s getting them here as fast as he possibly can with two out of three of the most stubborn people he’s ever met in the back of his car. No doubt they have hundreds of questions that poor JT doesn’t even know the answer to, he’s simply following orders and right now they’re on a strict need to know basis.

Colette will lock Malcolm down as soon as he arrives. He’ll be able to loosen the reigns, but only a little. He’ll be lucky to leave without Dani or JT personally handcuffed to him. Hell, Gil will be lucky if she doesn’t choose him to be handcuffed to Malcolm.

He hears the door to his office open and he feels the lump in his throat develop once again.

“Why are the FBI here?” “Why did I just get pulled out of work and rushed here?” “Why isn’t mom answering my calls?” “Why did we get escorted here by two more cop cars?”

The two siblings speak simultaneously and he sighs raising a hand to stop them. He braces himself delivering the news as impersonally as he could to the two people he basically watched grow up. “You’re both familiar with the kidnappings and murders in Boston?” They nodded, going to talk again but he stopped them with a pointed stare. “This morning there was an accident, one of the cars matched the plates of the car Agent Swanson has been tracking for that case.”

“What does that have to do with us?” Ainsley asks, fingers playing with the hem of her sleeve, it’s a nervous tick he’s known since she was 12. Her mother tried to break the habit but was never really successful.

“The other driver was Adolpho.” Ainsley’s eyes widen, she looks to Malcolm who only nods solemnly. “He died on impact.”

“Oh my god.” Malcolm reaches over, squeezing her hand. He watches the younger man straighten, preparing himself for the next blow. He’s all too familiar with the practices and knows that Gil has more to deliver to them. He nods, silently telling him to continue.

“We found this in the backseat of the car.” He turns the photo of Jessica’s phone to them and watches as the dots connect in both of their heads. “We also found blood on the back window that we believe is your mother’s.”

“You believe?” Ainsley’s voice cracks for the first time that he’s heard in years. Even after Paul Lazar, even after Endicott Ainsley didn’t waver. “What do you mean you believe is hers? Where is she?”

“You think the killer took her.” Malcolm whispers. Almost as if he says it too loud, it will make it true. His hands fly to his eyes sucking in a breath when Gil nods in confirmation. He knows it’s his way of trying to keep tears back, just long enough to keep his head from going into full meltdown and instead switching to investigator. “Dani found CCTV footage of the wreck. The suspect’s car redlight, crashing into Adolpho without even slowing down. The man climbs out of the car and goes out of frame. A couple minutes later an ambulance shows up, another man helps your mother into the back and they drive off.”

“Shouldn’t she be fine then? We just need to find out want hospital they took her to. She’s probably logged as a Jane Doe if she doesn’t have her purse either. She probably hit her head and she’s confused or unconscious and we need to-”

“Ainsley.” Malcolm’s tone stops her. He’s already read Gil’s expression, knowing what’s coming next.

“The ambulance on the scene was reported stolen just an hour before the wreck.” He watches as Ainsley’s face crumples, despite her best attempts to hold it together. Malcolm pulls her into a loose hug, rubbing her back in comfort. He can tell only by the slightly uneven breaths that Malcolm is crying as well.

His eyes sting and every fatherly instinct wants him to go to them and hug them. Tell them everything will be fine just like he did 20 years ago. He gives them time to settle again, determination overpowering their shock and grief. “What can we do?”

“Right now, stay in sight. I’ve already got the FBI pressing hard enough on this pushing for a clean end but I don’t think that’ll be the case. Something doesn’t feel right. I’m assigning each of you an officer and if either of you tries to shake them or go off on your own I’m putting you in a holding cell.” He raises a brow at the two of them. “Understand?” 

“Yes.” They answer in unison. Gil tries not to think about the two kids, hardened too young. With only each other and their mother to hold onto in the storm that raged around them. Now with one less thing anchoring them to this earth.

“Let’s get to work.” XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The clanging of metal pulls Jessica’s attention from the deep abyss she allowed herself to sink into. The man had long left with the promise of the “guest” lingering over her head. She busied herself praying to every deity that she could think of that Malcolm, Ainsley, Gil, all of them were safe. She stopped believing in God long ago but her desperation outweighs her beliefs right now.

Different, slower footsteps shamble in front of her. This man looks younger, his physique, at least. He places something down against the wall before dragging a chair in front of her. She feels bile rise in the back of her throat when the something against the wall groans in pain. The man shuffles back over to the body, lifting it with ease yet again and placing it in the chair across from her. He secures the wrists individually to the chair before standing behind it. She stares at him for a moment, she swears his movements almost seem hesitant.

The static of a radio starting up breaks the relative silence. “Take off his hood.” She recognizes the voice of the man who was taunting her earlier. The other figure does as he says, removing the bag from over the tied up man’s head. Fearful bloodshot eyes meet hers. “This is Tommy Moore. He is a resident at Montgomery and from what I hear? He will make a promising young surgeon one day.” She swallows hard trying to calm the nerves building up in her stomach. “Do you know who she is Tommy?” The poor boy can only get out a whimper. Her heart sinks when she hears the sound of a gun cocking from behind him. “Answer me!”

“Y-yes.” He chokes out. “I saw her on the news. She was looking for a missing girl o-on Christmas.”

“Do you think she would choose your life over her own?” Tommy bows his head sobbing openly. “Please don’t do this.”

“Let him go.” She begs.

“Well would you Mrs. Whitly?” The sentence cuts deep. “Would you choose your life over his?” She closes her eyes, a few tears sliding down her cheeks. She thinks of Malcolm and Ainsley, no idea of where she was. She thinks of Gil, pouring everything he has into finding her. She even thinks of Martin, the horrid man who no doubt has caused this somehow in some way.

And then she thinks of her dream. She holds onto the smell of Gil’s cologne surrounding her as they spin around her living room, the sound of Ainsley’s laugh bouncing off of the walls as Gil dips her, Malcolm’s smile brighter than she remembers it being in so very long.  And she hopes they forgive her. “No.”

The silence feels as if it stretches for hours. She waits for the gunshots. She waits for the pain and then the utter nothingness of death. “Perhaps you didn’t understand my question. Would you die so that Tommy here can live?”

“Yes, I would.” The boy cries only get louder, mixed with tragedy and relief. She almost wants to cry with him.

“No!” The voice roars and they hear something from the other room crash. “You’re doing this wrong!” Another stretch of silence, this one even longer than the last. “You would rather die, so that he can live?!” Tommy looks at her, finally, and the realization strikes her. His eyes looked familiar, the same shade as Martin’s. His curly, unkempt hair even the shade so similar she’d assume he was a relative had she not known Martin had no other family. Everything was a subconscious push so that she’d choose her own life over his. This was a losing game.

“I choose his life over mine.” She says with more anger than before. She wouldn’t fall for this game. Even if it meant her own she wouldn’t put an innocent life on the line. She hopes for her children’s sake that they find her eventually. She hopes that they find peace.

“Shoot him.”

“What?” The man with a gun asks before either of them could.

“Shoot him!” The shot makes her ears pop. She never knew a gun could be that loud. Blood hits her face causing her to flinch, watching in horror as the boy slumps forwards. A cry rips through her throat as she struggles against the bonds tying her down.

“Why?!” She screams. “Why did you do that?!” She folds over on herself trying to contain the panic threatening to swallow her whole. Every fiber of her wants to fight back, to fight her way back to her family. Her head screeches in pain, spots flashing in front of her eyes. It only seems to get more intense though as her world tilts and spins with an effort to stay awake.

“You chose wrong.”

[missingartist]

The Witcher’s Mate Chapter 6

Jaskier glared up at the man on the horse. Geralt has been his usual brooding self, riding atop of his trusty stead, the only difference since leaving Brightwater was now his had company in the saddle. Thrown across the worn brown leather, a sleeping form burrowed into the Witchers chest. The mop of curls fanned across her face hiding her, as she slept dreamlessly. Geralt had wrapped his cloak around her, as he lifted her up to sit side-saddle on his lap as he rode, protecting her against onlookers who sought to catch a glimpse of flesh. Dresses not being the most appropriate to ride in. The bard felt conflicted, Geralt was his friend, but he had just witnessed the Witcher buy a person from the inn. Not just a person a young women.

He was observing the side of her face that peeked out from her tightly wrapped form. The girl looked younger than him; her face was softly defined, innocent and pretty, more than pretty, striking, the type of girl who had suiters painting her likeness to try and win her hand or writes her poetry, now she was slung over a Witcher’s saddle, nestled against his chest.

‘You just brought a person. I can’t believe it. You brought a person.’ Jaskier finally screeched into the air. They had been travelling for more than five days, his mind preparing an elegant argument, demanding to know what was going on, but instead, a splutter of words fell from his lips. ‘you actually brought someone. You do some pretty dark shit, questionable things but you have never brought a person. Let alone a girl. What are you going to do with her? Actually don’t tell me, not actually do, no don’t. I know what happens to those poor orphan girls. I just can’t believe you would buy one…’

‘I brought her freedom, bard.’ Geralt grunted, looking down at the snuggling girl.

The Witcher looked down at the sleeping woman, whatever Cersi has blown in her face had rendered the women into a deep sleep, but he could see signs that the substance was lifting, but there was enough space between Brightwater and the road they were on to deter her from running off. Adva shifted and mumbled something indecipherable before she repositioned herself in the crook of his neck, her lips brushed against his golden skin, sending a shiver of pleasure down his body. The last two days had been pure torture, to feel her warmth through his thick armour was the worst suffering he had ever endured, he wanted nothing more than to strip them both of them of every stitch of clothing and feel skin upon skin. Geralt groaned lowly as her lips ghosted over his skin. The sooner he reached Kaer Morhen, and Vesemir, the better, whatever this bond was between them was not something he knew of, it was unknown territory and therefore dangerous. Geralt only wish was that she remained asleep till they got there.

‘What… so she is going to be free, you freed her… actually freed her. She can leave… get on with her life.’ Jaskiers face broke into a bright smile. ‘I knew you wouldn’t do a thing like that; there is a place in Vevan that we could leave her, a friend of mine owns a tavern… said he would leave it to me one day ha! Rosemary and Thyme, it is a decent place, she would be looked after there.’ the singer gushed.

Geralt ignored the bard and rode on a few more feet till he came to a perfect patch of land and dismounted, carefully to stop the girl from falling  as he went. Letting her slide down the saddle, he carried her bridal style to the foot of a tree. Gentilly, the hunter, brushed a stray curl behind her ear. His shark-like eyes followed her features, pale honey skin and plump pink lips parted with a soft snore. Geralt smiled tenderly as he rubbed his calloused thumb over her parted lips.

‘Bronn is a decent man; he will keep her. His son is about her age; you never know it could be fate. Would make an interesting song.’ Jaskier grinned plopping himself down in the stump of a tree.

A vicious growl rose in the monster hunters throat. ‘She isn’t going anywhere, Adva is staying with me and not going near any tavern owners son.’

‘So she is free…to stay with you.’ Jaskier gawked.

‘Hmmm.’

‘Geralt… you have been hunting monsters too long, your beginning to act like one. Adva is a person, living breathing women, whom some dark wizard tried to set a Griffin on and then got sold and knocked out with weird powder. How do you think she is going to react when she wakes up…. She is going to wake up, right?’

‘Listen to me Bard and listen well.’ Geralt gritted out as he menacingly took a step closer.  ‘There are things happening that you cannot comprehend, things that even I don’t fully understand. Adva will be staying with me till I figure out what is happening; whether you like it or not, if you get in my way I will unseem you balls to brain, understand…. I liked you better when you didn’t talk, the last five days have been bliss.’ Geralt grunted as he laid out his bedding and carefully tucked Adva in.

Jaskier eyed him with care, the grump side of him was expected but never this…hostile. The singer watched as Geralt pulled the blanket around her shoulders, never in the entire time he had known the cranky man had he seen Geralt this tender, aside from Ciri, but this was different. Even with Yennefer, there was not this level of this…sweetness; the care was considerate and almost loving. Geralt was sure to put her on his bedding each night they stopped, kept the fire going and rubbed a cooling lotion on her side. Adva’s side was healing nicely no longer the harsh crimson. The singer watched as the monster hunter pulled a dead leaf from the mass of curls before he stood adjusting his sword on his back as he moved.

‘I am going to get wood, keep on eye on Adva.’ Geralt grunted as he marched off into the wilderness.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jaskier strummed his lute idly, and his eyes lingered over the sleeping form. The fading light brushed against her hair softly; it made her appear angelic, she skin glowed lowly, she was indeed stunning, swan-like neck leading to a voluptuous figure. A million questioned threw through the singer’s mind; this girl seemed normal, innocent,  just another girl caught up in the mess of the world. But nothing was as it seemed, he saw her launch a blast of water at the Griffin, saw it attach her, saw Tradi madness that consumed his eyes, even in his dying moments that rage still filled his mind.

The bard began to hum along as he plucked at the chords, brows furrowed as he stared at the sleeping form as she stirred before snuggling back down. Jaskier had lost count of the years he had known Geralt, and he trusted him, for all his menacing and boarish ways, and despite his protest, Geralt always did the right thing because at heart he was a hero and that is why Jaskier trusted him. Jaskier trusted Geralt not to do anything underhand but there was a niggling feeling in the back of his mind, something he couldn’t put into words. The thought slipped from his mind as a soft gasp caught his attention as the swaddled figured bolted upright.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Adva blinked, her eyelids fluttered several times as the world in front of her came into focus. The sky above her was transitioning from day to night; the light was just descending into darkness. The trees where willows, the leaves were dangling over her, gently dancing the wind above her. The women pressed her eyes together as a pinched pain throbbed at the bridge of her nose.

Groaning, Adva pushed herself up on her elbows sleepily taking in her surroundings. It was a clearing, surrounded by a dense wall of foliage, vivid greens and soothing browns. Across from her, the young poet from the tavern stared at her with wide, terrified eyes. Pushing herself up further the blanket she had been enveloped in fell to her waist, and the sweet scent of spiced wood bombarded her senses.

‘Your awake!’ the bard exclaimed as stood placing his lute against the fallen tree he had been resting on.

‘Where am I?’ Adva said shakily, eyes narrowing at the man who stood hesitantly as she unsteadily stood to her feet. She felt as weak as a newborn calf; she managed to make a couple of steps before her legs gave up from under her. Jaskier lurched forward clamping his arms around her, as they collapsed in a pile.

Having his crouch pushed up against a plush butt was something Jaskier enjoyed immensely and the squirming made the sensation all the more pleasurable. After all, he was a man and the position would make even the most devoted man feel something but Jaskier,  though he was many things was a gentleman. Squirming out from under her, he was able to pull her up against the fallen tree and flop back next to her.

Adva roughly rubbed her eyes as she tried to get her world back into focus; her mind was a flurry of pictures and noise. The last thing she remembers was… Tradi, the Griffin… gods the Griffin…. Her side and then Cersi and the Witcher and that weird powder.

‘Oh, my gods……Oh no…no…no’ Adva hissed as she tried to stand.

‘Shhhhhhhh shhhhhhh please be quiet it okay!’ Jaskier cooed. ‘Geralt…Geralt….. Gods sake where is he…how long does it take to collect some firewood.’ Jaskier muttered to himself.

‘Be quiet! Be quiet; you kidnapped me!’ Adva snapped scrambling to her feet, resting her body against the tree and her legs become slowly accustomed to taking her weight.

‘Well technically… Geralt brought you….’ Jaskier rambled before the words died suddenly on his lips as he was stared down at the furious blue eyes of a woman enraged.

Adva grabbed the first thing she could lay her hands, the silky wood of the neck of the hazel lute and swung it half-heartedly at him before her chest began to heave dramatically.

In her entire life, she had never been outside of Brightwater, her own little world, safe and comfortable, till the Griffin invaded it and god knows what Tradi had to do with it. Panic surged through her, bile rising through her throat which she swallowed back down.

‘Put me lute down… I have had it since I was 12…please...’ Jaskier begged, holding his hands out in surrender.

‘Where am I?’ she demanded.

‘We are in Kaedwen… well near Kaedwen.’ Jaskier stated inching closer, earning a harsh glare and the instrument raised slightly higher, causing him to take a step back.

‘ Kaedwen?... Kaedwen that is almost a weeks journey from Brightwater…How….How long have I been asleep?’ Adva didn’t need an answer the pity in the man's eyes was enough to tell her all she wanted to know. Cersi had put her to sleep to allow some Witcher to carry her off into the world with some paper that essentially made her his slave.

‘I need to go….I want to go back… I am leaving.’ Adva whimpered as she lowered the lute, which Jaskier snatched back and pressed it to his chest like a mother with her child.

‘Thing is…Geralt.’ Jaskier sighed in relief as the hulking figure of the Witcher silently emerged from the bushed with an extensive collection of sticks and logs. The white-haired man froze as he saw the shivering figure of the curvy brunette.

‘Fuck…’ Geralt cursed as he dropped the pile of wood and clicked his fingers with a crisp, satisfying click. ‘Igni’  and with the single word, the fire roared to life with a crackle and a spit.

Geralt had thought the powder would have lasted for another couple of days, despite all Cersi’s skill her dreamless slumber powder was well below par. Geralt growled deeply as he stood to his full height to survey the small women, her clothes were dishevelled and ragged from the 5-day ride, feature tight with terror as she looked between both the men. A soft tugged pulled ar his heart as she stumbled away from him as he stepped towards her, the smell of fear thick in the air.

‘How dare you!....Take me back right now.’

‘I don’t think, so me baeg yn.’ Geralt purred as he stopped in front of her.

‘Take me back right now; I am not something you can buy and sell. Take me back home.’ Adva snarled, angry filled her eyes as a laugh rolled through his body.

‘Do you really think you have a home now? Tradi set a creature free to attack the people of your city because of you. For some silly book. Your friends sold you to me without so much as an ounce of hesitation. Is that somewhere you want to go back to. Even without all that I still wouldn’t let you, if Tradi suspects something about you, something that he could use others will find out. You wouldn’t want to put others in danger…do you?’ Geralt purred in his usually velvet tone; one perfect eyebrow arched quizzicly as he looked down at her.

‘Geralt!’ The young bard shriek as he gawped at the Witcher.

Tears breamed Adva’s eyes; it was all too much. Everything had happened too fast she could keep up, it was too much to process. Everything she had ever known was gone, but if the Witcher was right how could she go back? What Tradi did was mad, he had always been obsessed with power and it was only so long before he did something like this, but Adva has never thought he would do something like that. The book was just that a book of notes, a journal of thoughts and facts, nothing to kill for. If there was really something more, something dangerous going on she wouldn’t be the one to endanger anyone.

Silent tears rolled down her face as she dry heaved into her hand and crouched down against the log. Jaskier knelt next to her as curled his arm around her as the woman shook and gagged with anxiety, tossing the Witcher a scathing look as the singer attempted to comfort her as her world collapsed around her.

Geralt eyes narrowed as he watched the cuckolding bard tended to the exkitchen maiden, a deep burn bubbled away in his gut and regret pricked against the back on his mind. This was why he didn’t talk; he only dug himself into holes. The white wolf opened and shut his mouth several times trying and failing to think of things to say to comfort. Rage simmered under his skin as Adva nudged closer into Jaskier’s shoulder as her gags stopped and her cries turned into little whimpers.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

me baeg yn- My Little One

Sorry for going AWOL for so long. Hope this makes up for my absence.

What does everyone think? I hope it meets up with expectation. Hopefully, the next chapter will have some significant Adva and Geralt interaction. Still working on how that is gonna work out. Once again if you have anything you want to see please leave a comment.

I am working on Part Two of Fated Destiny if anyone is interesting.

[mollydollyjournals]

Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

[tessisawriter]

Love Back (Alex Turcotte)

Request: 9. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m really turned on by that.” And 30. “I don’t fuck around” with Alex Turcotte

A/N: Finally got to put my time at frat parties to use in an imagine 😊 Inspired by Gabrielle Aplin’s “Love Back” (link here).

Warnings: Two swear words

Word Count: 1k

The moment you stepped through the doors of the fraternity house, you knew you made a mistake in coming.

Your best friend and fellow sorority sister, Alicia, must’ve felt you tense up because she turned to you before going into the main room and said, “Are you all right?”

“No, I see at least three hockey players in there. What if he’s here?”

You had come to the first frat party of the spring semester as a favor to your sorority’s social chair because attendance at social events had flagged in November and December, but you knew you did so at the risk of running into your ex, Alex Turcotte. You met him at orientation while serving as an orientation leader in late August and dated him for three months. You were worried that he would be too immature because he was a year younger than you and a top-five draft pick in the NHL, but Alex put all of your initial doubts at ease.

Alex was a great boyfriend at first, always attentive to your needs, but as the hockey season at Wisco started, you heard from him less and less until eventually, you were lucky to hear from him once or twice a week. It was clear Alex only called you when he didn’t have any better offers or was lonely, but you were a romantic at heart and gave your all to your relationships, so you stuck around.

Alex continued to drain you of all your energy and self-confidence until you received a D on your last math midterm and decided enough was enough. You broke up with him before he went to World Juniors and intended on never seeing him again, but ever since you came back from winter break, he called and texted you incessantly, begging for another chance.

“You look like a million bucks in that dress, don’t let the slim possibility that he’s here ruin your night. And besides, I’ve got your back, Y/N.”

“Thanks, Leesh,” you said, squeezing her arm before entering the party for real.

An hour later, you were sitting by yourself in a corner of the living room (if you could call it that: it was a room with a ratty couch, pool table, and an old love seat that you now occupied) near the air conditioning vent. Alicia had been trying to net one of the brothers in this particular frat, and she was successful almost right away. She and Mike went upstairs half an hour ago, leaving you to fend for yourself in the frat house that reeked of sweat. You hadn’t seen Alex yet, but you had seen many hockey players including his best friend, Cole, who had nodded in your direction. Never the rude type, you returned the gesture before taking a sip of the drink you had been nursing all night.

You were stirring the straw in your drink when the cool air suddenly turned sweaty. You looked up to find your nightmare staring at you.

“Hey, Y/N,” Alex said.

You just stared stonily at him in return.

Not one to be deterred, he continued, “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for two weeks, are you okay?”

“Am I okay?” you scoffed. “How nice of you to ask.”

“What do you mean?” A crease formed between his eyebrows as if he were confused.

“Did I not get through to you when I broke up with you?”

“The opposite, actually,” Alex said, and the sincerity in his voice was killing you. “I realized I hadn’t treated you well, and I’m really sorry. You deserve someone who is going to treat you like a queen, and I swear I will this time around.”

“How bold of you to assume I’ll give you a second chance,” you replied while getting up off the love seat and trying to walk past him to go to the kitchen and buy some time to think, but he grabbed your arm.

“Wow, that dress,” he breathed, “I’m not gonna lie, I’m really turned on by that.”

You whirled around to face him once more. “Oh my God, I can’t believe I almost fell for that! You only think of yourself, Alex Turcotte, and relationships require sacrifices on both sides. I, on the other hand, don’t fuck around, so we’re done.”

“Y/N, I—”

“Get away from her, you piece of shit!” Alicia shouted. You had no idea where she came from, but there she was, standing there like an avenging angel with Mike right behind her. “She’s done with your games.”

“She’s right, I am,” you said, turning back to face Alex. “I wish I could get all the time and energy I wasted on you back, but I can’t, so I’m doing the next best thing and leaving. Have a nice life.”

You turned to go, and this time, he didn’t reach for your arm. You strode over to Alicia, who wrapped an arm around you as you walked to the door.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t get there sooner,” she said after coming to a stop in the entrance hall.

“It’s okay, Leesh, I get it. So, what’s going on here?” you asked, motioning your head towards Mike, who was standing behind you.

“Oh, he’s going to walk us home and take me on a date tomorrow,” she said.

“That’s amazing! And thank you for offering,” you addressed Mike. “I’m glad we don’t have to walk back to the dorms alone.”

“No problem,” he replied, “and by the way, that Turcotte guy’s a loser. I can set you up with one of my brothers whenever you’re ready to get back in the game if you want.”

“That would be great,” you said. 

The three of you walked outside, and the icy Wisconsin wind was a welcome change from the frat house that held nothing but empty promises, at least for now.

[d0ntw0rrybehappy]

i’m going insane lol

so i feel like the next step in working hard is to not even perceive the work i’m doing as tiring. (rereading this it’s making me lol.) it seems weird that i find a part time job at a restaurant this exhausting? and like i can’t pretend that i’m not tired, but i have to somehow take better care of myself and set the conditions to not be tired from it.

i’ve been thinking about baudrillard/barthes a lot still -- pleasantly surprised that their theories are interesting to apply to any- and everything. for example, they both go into how every statement can also be read as its opposite or negation. so, to quote baudrillard, saying “i am not afraid of communism” also implies that communism is something you should be afraid of.

i’ve been using this as a kind of paranoid way to gain insight into why people tell me that i am “strong” because i don’t really know what that means. (other things i am told i am often: sweet, intense). it’s like what they’re saying is, there’s some kind of context, a milieu of weak people i’m being compared to. or like they want to reassure me that i am strong, because i actually come across as how i feel: like a particularly lost, unstable, emotional, sensitive, and lonely person.

i can’t with restaurant work anymore. it. SUCKS. i want to fucking get out, i am like a rat scrabbling at the walls of a glass aquarium. all novelty has worn off, all misguided overtures of honest work or “people skills.” and i’m still stuck here, still holding my breath in the deep end until i can find the eject button. i am tired, my body aches. my body aches!!

i want to just grind my way out (here we are with barthes again -- well if you truly wanted to do that you’d just shut the fuck up and do it instead of writing about it), but here i am, eating another round of chocolate (i don’t smoke, i don’t have sex, i truly just eat), constantly fucking hungry. then like a bull mowing into a red flag i realize i have been grinding...in a completely useless direction. it is like my passion for learning about things gets scattered every which way and i just can’t start, every path is equally exciting and awful and the injunction to “choose” is not “clicking” in my “head.” it’s like my mind cracked open at some point in my teenage years (when i started smoking weed, when my child universe was decisively fractured by a friend) and now the crack is snowing fireworks and glitter and i shift in and out of unreality. 

reality is almost too painful to bear. nobody’s happy: you can find contentment by accepting your current lot, but “happiness" is really just contrast or relief from pain. it comes in and out. most people are too lazy or small-minded or too busy complaining to feel content, or their lives are just too twiggy, got too long in the wrong direction or are just too fucking hard. i guess i still am happy, and still love life, in a sort of ferocious and bloody and hungry way. 

love is bleak, though. i barely even know how to define it anymore. (culture defines a love which we yearn for; we experience “love” insofar as our real love fleetingly resembles this model, only to come up short -- baudrillard). re: love, to use my mom’s favorite school-of-hard-knocks memory device for the laws of thermodynamics -- a subject she took? -- you can’t win, you can’t break even, you can’t get outta the game (and death and taxes). you are going to get royally FUCKED by love just like everybody else, and you are STILL gonna play, you beautiful mortal fool. like the tarot cards lauren dealt me, putting away the three cards she’d used to describe my near future and then flipping through the entire deck, picture side up, without realizing that i was quietly watching it describe my whole entire life -- clinging at the edge of my seat to see some eventual combination that spelled good, strong, lasting love and seeing only struggle, happiness, struggle, pain, struggle, and finally ending, at my death, in a small statue made of gold. 

see also, other realities i hate to swallow: nearly all interpersonal problems are insurmountable and better left undealt with, and work basically sucks unless you are very lucky and very smart. 

work. let’s go back to that. i used to think my work would be respected off its merit; now i see the merit in literally fucking my way up. i wonder if i should even be an artist at all. artists are kinda like showponies or whores; they’re not actually important. the more honest and wonderful they are, the less important they probably are, like schoolteachers. they have an impact on an individual level. but on a societal level, you have no control as an artist. you just get played by bigger fish. better to find a way to have your hands on the gears; that way you have a shot at making a higher-order change to society. but alas, the (capitalist) system is totally out of everyone’s hands and will keep running as usual no matter what you do, still savage in equal amounts, i think. doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. but at this point i’d give a toe or finger to work for someplace like youtube. at least it’s reached critical mass where i could do something cool and make a difference with emerging media. 

that or i pander to whatever blathering brain-melting slop, drivel, they’re putting on tv for kids and adults. or manage to convince a smaller nonprofit that i am “good at talking to people from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds,” whatever the hell that fucking means. or maybe, ugh god, i’ll work for an ad agency? or do digital strategy? and um, i could say some shit about how capitalism is darwinism and money is a form of social control that works so well because it’s out of the hands of any individual person, and i should probably just stick with art and believe in it, and maybe like, apply for grants. but i want a job, a full-time job. i want stability and enough money that i don't feel guilty buying new underwear and i don't want to hustle to keep the tap running month-to-month and i want to spend the majority of my time doing something i find fulfilling. and soon enough i'll get that, and all my dreams will come true: i’m going to get married and become a fat mom taking my kids to piano practice and saying “the meeting went on forever today,” and i’ll have a husband who never cleans the house enough, and then we’ll get divorced and he’ll find someone 20 years younger and i’ll live out the rest of my years semi-happily alone and i don’t know how i will ever have time to make art again. or if i do i just hope it’s not hobby-like, second-rate.

i wish i could have (feel) the bare-faced honesty and love of sha’carri richardson hugging her grandmother after she worked her ass off for a race. instead everything is this weird simulation where i never feel like i love anybody enough or like i’m working hard enough. i can’t speak honestly except when i am writing about myself (strong, sweet, intense, narcissistic) or things i have noticed, as directed to my own imaginary friend. when i try to communicate irl (or, worst of all, “be real”) it’s all so overthought, overwrought, self-conscious. the only person who knows my real private self is the girl winking at me on my black lives matter poster. i hope she doesn’t mind being here in my room. ducky, the stuffed animal brandon gave me, was also supportive but i put him away because it seemed bad to tell future guys that my stuffed animal is “the child of divorce.” and now /you guys/ know me a little bit, because i took the time to pretend you were all my imaginary friend, my dearest pen pal who laughs at all my jokes and gets all my references, and stopped pretending i was anything besides what’s written here. 

and i think, like, a lot of people now live in this weird simulation? and are so confused about romantic and familial love to the point where everyone is getting off on family members fucking each other and can’t decide if it’s normal to think kids are hot? but i guess that was always some weird fucked-up demon side of human existence? another thing i’m supposed to accept. (also sorry trigger warning.) and another thing i took for granted as a child, that most people, if not everyone, is weird/gross/evil, but now that my mind is cracked this shocks me all over again and i seek some sort of explanation. it’s like i can’t find a real hunk of closeness anywhere. i’m close to my own family, but in my other relationships we’re either too distant or too close and i’m desperately searching for just some normal friends. and to be able to give a speech where i tell someone i really love them and for it to ring true. but i try to be grateful that i live in driving distance to the beach and there’s air conditioning and once i stop being a stupid baby there’s probably more friends and work and stuff out there for me. and then i’ll have some new problem.

[funkyfreshramblings]

A Story Twenty Years in the Making

CW: Swearing, sex, transphobia (Look, I'm not proud of who I was).

Shortly after I was born, a cousin of mine was as well. My mother took me to a store where she looked to buy a dress for her new niece to celebrate her birth. A woman stopped and looked at my mother, baby Devon in the stroller, dress in her hand, and curiously spoke up.

"Excuse me miss, but you know that you have a boy, right?" The woman shopping, presumably for her own daughter, had said to my mother.

"Of course I know I have a son. What about it?" My mother said in response.

"Well, that's a dress you're holding. Why would you be buying that for your son?" The woman puzzled.

My mother, quick as a whip and smarter than most people I know today, responded without a second thought.

"I'm letting him experiment with his sexuality."

---

At twelve (12) years old, I became aware of this really weird website. You see, everyone was talking about it, a schoolyard rumour we didn't dare to talk about in front of the teachers. The mythical status of this website was nothing to scoff at, students would huddle around and talk about their findings. It was like an ARG, a new puzzle added every day. The school was rife with these conversations, and everyone was hooked.

I'm of course talking about Pornhub.

Obligatory "don't go on Pornhub unless you're the legal viewing age in your country" aside (even though I'm aware those warnings stop nobody), I too became a curious mind. One day, when my parents had slipped out of the house and I was alone, I pulled it up on my computer upstairs. What I say fascinated me, women and men having sex.

Sex. Woah. Penises, vaginas, anuses. There was everything on this website. Everything. Including this one tab which I didn't dare click.

This one category had what appears to be two men on it. I assumed it was two men, after all neither of them had pronounced breasts like all the women had. And the title of the category? Gay. 'What the fuck does that mean?' twelve-year-old (12) me thought. I ignored it, thought it was weird, and continued on.

In the back of my mind, I was curious. A few weeks after watching straight porn and being mostly repulsed by how awful the women screamed in those videos, I tried it. I clicked on the category tab and was immediately hit with my first exposure to the gay community.

'Twink? Bear? Fisting? Now that's nasty.' I was curiously disgusted but clicked on anyways. "Twinks" looked cute, so I clicked there. Wait, cute? Did I really think these guys were cute? Like I thought my girlfriend was cute?

The video was, simply put, less aggressive than straight porn. Holy shit was straight porn aggressive. It terrified me how much those women screamed like the men were killing them by inserting their penises too far into their bodies. But gay porn looked softer. It was sweeter, with more love. After all, sex is about love, right? Forgive my younger self, you see. He clearly did not understand that nothing in porn is about love. But hey, when working with a half deck, you have to make the cards work.

So I watched gay porn over straight porn. That doesn't mean I'm gay! But wait, if gay porn is between two men, what is porn between a woman and a man. What's porn between two women? Never mind, I'm not that curious about two women together.

A quick Google search sent me down the most soul-searching adventure I'd ever partake in. At least, up until this point.

I soon learned what gay meant, what straight meant, what lesbian meant. You mean boys liking other boys was normal? Girls can like other girls? Wait, you can like boys and girls?

Oh, wait, you can also not be sexually attracted to anyone.

Asexual was a term I first read those years ago, and I soon thought that it described me. See, up until this point, women never interested me sexually. I was twelve (12). Sex really never crossed my mind, even when it was supposed to. But I was watching porn, I thought!

Doesn't matter. I didn't want to be part of those acts. That's what made me ace, I thought.

My lord was I wrong. (Not about ace people, but about my identity. This is where things get juicy. And chuddy.)

---

Okay, so cut to two years later. I'm fourteen (14), in grade ten (10) during Art class. One of my friends sat beside me, my ex across from me, and I hated Art class. Why'd I taken this god-awful course again? Regardless, as I sat there and thought, I thought about my bullying up until high school.

I filled out as a kid. I mean that literally, I grew tall and wide really quickly. No one fucked with me when I was in high school. No one wanted to, and I faded to the background.

But in elementary school, I was the new kid. Backing up to 2009, eight-year-old (8) Devon moved. I would celebrate my ninth (9th) birthday in a class where no one knew me or no one cared. Well, that's not true. One kid cared. Bless that kid. Regardless, 9-year-old (9) me had a target on his back. A big one, and it quickly meant I was being bullied.

My mother is terrifying. I use bold there because I don't think italics can describe just how terrifying mama-bear is when she's angry. After finding out that I was being bullied, she pulled into the school and chewed out the principal. And the parents. And the kids. Hell hath no fury like a mother who went through the shit mine did. So quickly the bullying died down.

Stopped? No, but quieted. My new friends surrounded me in a wonderful bubble of love, but that didn't mean they also didn't pick on me. The most common insult? Gay.

Gay? Like, porn gay? No no no, I said. I'm not gay.

Cut back to 14-year-old (14) me, thinking throughout Art class. I swear Ms. Taylor had it out for me. Oh, right, gay.

'Holy shit.' I thought.

'Wait. They're right, I'm gay. I like men. Holy shit I really like men. Men are hot, and I want to be with one so bad. But I live in this crap town of conservatives (my parents taught me right, conservatives are some of the shittiest people on the planet after all).'

Okay, so I'm gay. I figured that out at the very least! Now I have to tell people.

Oh. Fuck. I have to tell people.

Coming out. Hell, as I like to call it. First to my friends. My friends would understand, after all, I had a pansexual friend. What the fuck does pansexual mean? Never mind that Devon, focus on your own damn self for a second.

Oh. My. God. I have to tell people.

I pulled up my big boy pants and blurted out in the middle of class...

Nothing. What did you expect?

I waited 'till the next morning. That made sense.

---

"Hi, Sierrah!" I said to my colourful friend. Her hair was always a different colour every month and still is. I wish I had half the hair strength she must have.

"Hey, Devon!" She said, blue backpack on her back, meeting up with me to walk to school in the morning.

"I have something to tell you. I'm gay." She looked at me and squealed before wrapping me in a big hug.

"I'm so proud of you!" Okay, one down. A lot more to go.

My best friend in high school used to be someone who I absolutely despised. We bonded over our shared dislike of our shared ex. We became really close. Telling him was pretty easy. Okay, two down.

Remember that girl I sat beside during Art? Not my ex, the one I bonded with my best friend over disliking, I meant the girl sitting beside me. Well, let me tell you.

No one can give me a reception nearly half as good as what she did when I told her.

"Sara, I'm gay," I said. Less than five (5) seconds later, my face was buried in the tits of Sara. That was... fun. Not sexual in the slightest, it was fun. She was warm, and she loved me. I could tell that as a friend, Sara would become the most important person in my life. Thank you, Sara. Should you ever read this.

I hope someone reads this.

Anyone?

Moving on, I eventually told all my friends that day. None of them gave a shit! Cool!

My parents.

Oh no. My parents were next.

I'm skipping that part, it's no longer relevant.

Sorry. (Not sorry in the slightest.)

---

So I graduated the gay kid of 2018. Yay! Seventeen-year-old (17) me made it to grad!

But before I did, I need to preface this part of the story. I was, unfortunately, a fan of Soygon of Asskad. And Blairina Weiss.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Not a day goes by where I'm not sorry for my actions during this period of my life. I am so profusely sorry for the racism and transphobia I perpetuated during this period of my life. I was even homophobic. God damn it, Devon, what the fuck are you doing?

I am now a proud socialist. University helped. So did Vaush, and BadBunny (who's chat might be reading this. Henlo Nicole! Henlo chat!).

Scream at me about Vaush later.

Okay, where was I? Right, grad. University applications.

I made it into the University of Toronto Mississauga. Canada's best university. One of the best universities in the world. Holy shit, I should be more proud of myself for that. I am proud. I made it there, and as I write this, I'm on my last year.

Here's to me becoming a med student soon, I hope!

So school happened. I went to school as a shy gay kid with undiagnosed anxiety problems. That wouldn't last, and soon my anxiety was written in the prescriptions I was handed over the counter for Lexapro. This is where I met my first friend from university.

He will remain unnamed for legal reasons.

He introduced me to one of the most beautiful men I've met to this date.

S. (Name redacted for reasons you need not know. Not legal reasons. Personal ones. Please respect this decision.)

Woah, was this guy just... hot. He was an athlete, no way he'd like me. He probably also sleeps around, and I don't want that.

Boy was I wrong. I soon found out that S was very much into me. I was someone's crush. Wow!

That eventually turned into a... relationship. You get the gist. Affirmation.

I was very, very gay. S helped me understand that I was very very gay.

Okay, so eighteen-year-old (18) Devon was gay. That was very clear.

So that's the end of the story, right?

No.

We just crossed the halfway point.

---

Cut to twenty (20). I am gay, an active chatter in BadBunny's (Twitch streamer, not singer) discord, and really really confused.

See, progressive streamers like BadBunny typically have features to add yourself to a role on Discord that would tell everyone your pronouns when they clicked on your profile. This is a really good way to affirm pronouns of everyone, so I'm down.

Well, I do have one problem. Any/all isn't listed here. Wait.

Wait...

Any? All?

Why do I feel like this?

I'm cis. Let me make that clear. I am cisgendered. I identify as a man, I was born a man, and I think I will always be a man. I think.

But I know pronouns don't necessarily tell you someone's gender. They is a really popular pronoun for all sorts of non-binary identities, all of which are different from each other. So pronouns do not equal gender.

Can I really use they/them, she/her, he/him, fae/faer, fawn/fawn, etc/etc. all while being cis? I think so, let's try it! I don't know how to describe my gender, all I know is I'm apathetic to my pronouns.

Cut to a TikTok video. I learned my fucking gender identity from a TikTok video. This is why representation is important.

"Gender Apathy" we're the words coming from this person's mouth. She? He? Them? Didn't matter, they didn't care. I didn't care.

We didn't care.

Holy fuck.

---

Google has been a really important resource for me as an academic student. Wikipedia articles affirm my suspicions before I move onto Google Scholar to look up articles.

I'm fucking kidding.

Fuck Google Scholar.

But Google did introduce me to the world of fandom wikis.

Is gender wiki a thing? LGBTQ+ wiki?

As it turns out, it is.

Gender Apathy is an article there, as well as many many other identities. If you're question, do some keyword searches. You'll never know what you find.

Anyways, Gender Apathy. Cisapathetic, which I kind of interpret as someone who identifies as cisgender but doesn't really care? I guess? This is all still confusing, but whatever. Cisapathetic.

I quickly shared this with all my friends. I found something new out!

But we aren't done yet.

---

Cut to a little while later. It's Pride month, 2021. This month, if you happen to read this as soon as it goes up! Someone on TikTok is making Pride moths.

Fucking TikTok.

Moths were, at one point, a really popular meme online. Lämp. Gen Z humour will be the end of us all.

So naturally, people found a love for moths. Great, that's lead us to this point. I notice during these videos that these moths are pretty. I want one, or rather, two.

I want the modern Pride moth. The trans flag and a black and brown stripe were included on this modern Pride flag to signal that BIPOC are central to Pride, and need to be celebrated and that our trans friends need our help. Need our platform. Need our rights too.

And I wanted the Gender Apathetic moth. After all, it was something new I discovered! Well, I noticed something in the comments while I was requesting a Gender Apathetic moth from this creator (they were open to suggestions, so please don't heckle me about it). One commenter said the words "are you doing a Neptunic/Uranic/Saturnic moth as well?" What the hell are those?

To the LGBTA wiki!

Neptunic is described as a sexuality "attracted to women, feminine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Saturnic is described as a sexuality "attracted to androgynous aligned non-binary people."

Uranic is the one I'm really curious about then. I'm attracted to men, after all. Uranic is described as a sexuality "attracted to men, masculine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Woah.

So let me back up a little bit.

When I had access to Twitter (they suspended me for defending my sexuality from someone who was saying gay men all have AIDS, so thanks Twitter) I once made a thread talking about how I didn't feel comfortable with calling myself gay.

"But Devon," I hear you say, "the whole first half of this story was dedicated to you realizing you were gay! How can you say that after wasting so much of our fucken' time?"

Give me a minute, dear reader. Let me explain what I said in this thread.

As I type this out, I recognize the transphobia I had against trans-men even while typing out that thread. I want to say, right here, right now, that my sexuality is trans-inclusive. Men with vaginas are still men. I am still very much attracted to men with vaginas. But this thread still falls on transphobic remarks. Once again, I profusely apologize for my past. I am currently working towards being a better person to my trans friends, both online and offline. I am doing my best to be better. I love you all, and I thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.

Oh, and U of T, if you're reading this, before you even think about kicking me out for admitting my previous bigotry, I urge you to think about your staff first. Jordan Peterson still has a job and makes the campus trans-exclusive as he continues to teach. Catch yourself before you come for me, a student doing his best to be better.

Okay, so back to the Twitter thread.

I essentially said something along the lines of this:

I really struggle with calling myself gay when in reality, I'm only attracted to people with penises, and who lack vaginas and breasts. I would have sex with non-binary people who have penises. So am I really just "gay?"

But in a lot more words. Before I continue, I want to take the time to explain how this comment is transphobic, and why I am sorry and why I want to explain that I no longer feel this way. Okay? So, here's the short of it:

I go by the term gay, but by saying I'm explicitly only attracted to people with penises while liking men, I was indirectly making the point that trans-men are not men if they too do not have penises.

This is not true. Trans men are men, and I have come to realize my attraction for trans men as well, despite genitalia. My sexuality encompasses men of all kinds, and non-binary people who are masculine aligned or neutrally aligned. Once again, I can only apologize and do better.

I am sorry for my previous transphobia. I hope I can make it better by acknowledging it and doing my best to avoid these implications ever again.

Okay, now that we have all of that out of the way, let's talk Uranic again.

Uranic really does describe me. I feel it in every bone of my body, that I really do find myself sexually attracted to even non-binary people.

So, gay is out, uranic is in.

Where does that leave me today?

---

When I started this post, I explained how I was a cisgendered gay man who was a liberal who almost fell down the alt-right pipeline. But as I type this post, not only has my identity evolved, but so has my political ideology. I am a cisapathetic, uranic man who still uses the term gay in casual conversation because it's easier even though it doesn't really describe me, socialist.

BadBunny/Nicole, chat, if you're reading this, thank you. You helped me a ton in discovering socialism and to reject ideas of capitalism that only serve to continue the systematic racism against black people, the systematic transphobia that kills trans people, and even the systematic homophobia I face as a "gay" man.

Wow, that was long. Really long. If you made it this far, give yourself a pat on the back. You just read the life history of a twenty-year-old (20) and how he came to understand his identity.

I love you all.

Signed,

Devon.

FunkyFreshHomo on Discord.

[jinned]

bts react- them as your boyfriend

-the biggest dork of a boyfriend oh my god

-but tries to act cool™️

-when he buys himself hoodies he’s also subconsciously thinking of whether or not you’d like it

-he wants to buy the kind of hoodies you want to steal

-“this one is a nice color but this other one is cozier and y/n would be able to curl up in it so I should go with this one”

-lots of giggling

-and that cute embarrassed smile/eye scrunch namjoon does (you know the one)

-he would cup your cheeks in his hands ALL THE TIME

-on dates he just wants to stare at you

-like it’s borderline creepy…

-but he’s just so in awe of you

-constantly wonders what he did to deserve you

-makes playlists for you to listen to

-he’s the type of boyfriend that would 100% put you first

-gets so concerned about your wellbeing that he kind of hovers

-he wants a partner in life and wants to be able to learn and grow with you

-tries so hard to be perfect for you

-is the type of boyfriend that won’t shut up about you to random strangers or friends but honestly doesn’t even realize that you’re all he talks about

-when someone calls him out on it he gets reeeaaalll embarrassed and shy

-always says you need to take more pictures together but then gets so lost in the moment he forgets to take any

-we already been knew you gonna lose some ribs cause you’ll be laughing so hard around this man

-writes you awful corny love jokes

-he’s the type of boyfriend who will always take care of you

-you’ll never have to worry about anything basically

-treats you like royalty and would do anything for you

-lots of at home dates!!

-cuddling on the couch drinking wine and watching old movies

-or karaoke

-but not…regular karaoke

-“whoever sings the worst doesn’t have to do dishes”

-it’s basically you two screeching and making inaudible sounds into a microphone

-some mornings you’ll wake up and he’ll be acting out a role from a film and it’s your mission to guess what character he is

-until then no kisses >:|||

-Jin would be the relaxed kind of boyfriend but you’ll never stop laughing

-would 10000% sing you to sleep

-just wants to spend time with you. That’s his love language 

-you are the source of his confidence

-”If I could get y/n to fall in love with me then I can do anything”

-at some points in the relationship you will have to remind him that he is an adult and to stop acting like a child

-only gotta tell him once and then he’ll get his shit together

-the type of boyfriend to make you think “wow…he’d be an amazing dad.” a LITTLE too early into the relationship

-shy boyfriend

-wants to protect you but also wants to hide behind you

-just wants you to be as in love with him as he is with you

-reaalllly afraid he’s going to do something to mess things up :(((

-has the mentality of “push them away before they push you away”

-is just really afraid

-but once you break down those walls and show him that you’re here to stay and that you love the real him…

-the dorkiest boyfriend

-so many sarcastic jokes

-“aha!!” kind of laughs

-sees the relationship as 50-50 but understands that sometimes you might be at a 30 so he needs to step up and be the 70 (I hope that makes sense)

-S P O I L S Y O U

-you mention one time you like that one thing?

-it’s all wrapped up in a pretty bow on your side of the bed by the end of the week

-leaves you REAL CUTE NOTES

-“hi baby I hope you have a great day at work! Don’t forget to take your vitamins and take a water bottle with you. Never forget you are the most precious thing to me. I love you more than I can ever describe.”

-writes songs about you

-a lot of songs

-would want to hide you from the paparazzi to protect you but would tweet so many obvious things about you

-at the end of the day he just wants to be held by you

-he’s so afraid of losing you that he’ll go over the top with everything he does

-legit watches romantic movies or reads romance novels to “Study” how to be a boyfriend basically

-but then quickly finds out that type of stuff isn’t how the real world works

-I could honestly go on and on about the type of boyfriend my lil yoongurt would be cause he’s seriously the dream boyfriend

-not gonna lie hobi might be kind of a mess of a boyfriend. Lemme explain

- m o o d s w i n g s

-just emotionally all over the place

-he seems to feel his emotions 10 times more than a regular person

-when he’s happy he’s OVER THE MOON

-when he’s upset or angry it’s a lot of petty attitude

-those are on rare occasions though

-he’s the type of boyfriend that clings to you

-just needs you close 24/7

-is really easy to shop for???

-I don’t think he’d particularly take you out on lots of dates

-he’s prefer bringing the dates home

-like board games and crafts

-6 months in and he’s talking about babies

-highkey just really intense

-but it’s mostly in a good way

-never forgets your birthday or anniversary

-the boyfriend that goes “it’s our three month anniversary! I got you a gift!”

-your family just ADORES HIM

-easily jealous

-ultimately is the ideal boyfriend once he gets past his own insecurities

-if you guys argue he will be the mature one to make you both sit down and talk it out

-ever wish you could date a golden retriever? WELL SAY NO MORE

-jimin would be the most loyal boyfriend

-would feel bad leaving you to hang out with his friends

-so many cuddles

-will literally fetch anything for you

-you need anything? He’s already on his way to the store to get it for you

-comes back with flowers and your favorite candy

-the type to get you presents just because they reminded him of you

-lots of romantic dates

-definitely the “my best friend is my boyfriend” type

-you are the center of his world and all he wants is for you to be happy

-if you have younger siblings he’s always excited to see them and play with them

-he really quickly becomes an addition to your family

-he’s really insecure so he needs constant confirmation that he’s a good boyfriend and that you love him

-the type to make a sims family with you

-“look y/n! Our sims have 8 kids!” 

-sometimes he’s so clingy it’s annoying

-like gadayum can’t anyone pee without holding their boyfriend’s hand??????

-he’s the opposite of Yoongi. Yoongi would be more likely to push you away due to his insecurities but Jimin will cling too much because of his insecurities

-Jimin would be the most attentive boyfriend ever like wow what a precious gem

-so so so sooooo goofy

-lots of adventures!

-wants to take you out all the time

-never go to the same restaurant twice

-wants to capture every moment with you via camera

-sometimes you have to remind him to actually live in the moment

-loves to hold onto you

-is not afraid of pda

-gets bashful when you do the simplest things. Like kissing his cheek randomly

-he can’t take it

-lmao sorry but if you’re a female reader he gonna play with your boobs ALL THE TIME

-not even in a sexual way just if it’s there within his reach it gonna be in his hand

-sometimes he gets a little intense with how childish he is

-if you try to have a serious conversation with him early into the relationship it might not go as planned

-he has a harder time letting go of his goofy and carefree side so you’ll just have to really sit him down and explain that you’re trying to be serious and want him to act the same

-after a while though it’s SOOOOO much easier

-I don’t wanna say you have to train him to be a boyfriend but you’re gonna have to train him to be a boyfriend

-what I mean by train is that you’ll have to teach him what you like and what you expect/want from him because a lot of the dating stuff won’t come naturally to him

-but don’t worry he’s got it down and will do anything to make you happy

-just be careful not to make him feel like he’s not good enough or that you’re trying to change him

-definitely wants a “my best friend is my significant other” type of relationship

-out of all the members he’s most likely to be self aware of if he’s ready for a relationship or not

-“yeah I really like this person but I’ve got a lot going on so it wouldn’t be fair to them.”

-he’s not romantic by the book but definitely romantic in his own way

-takes you to art museums and shows you his favorite paintings

-if you look closely a lot of the paintings reflect love and inner turmoils

-you basically have to read in between the lines with tae

-oh sweet baby boy :(

-the cutest boyfriend :(

-like…the ones you see in movies kind of boyfriend

-the “this has to be scripted” or “he stole this off the internet” kind of boyfriend

-memorizes you to a T

-you’re in a bad mood? Comes home with flowers and your favorite snacks

-tucks you in at night and gives you temple kisses

-also kind of a lost boyfriend ™️

-he’s just…trying real hard to figure things out

-jungkook’s google search list:

•”how to be a good boyfriend?”

•”best places to take your girl/boyfriend”

•”how to know if you’re in love”

-wants to WRESTLE

-like play wrestling where you’re both laughing and just grabbing each other and trying to pin one another down

-is scared when he realizes it could lead to something sexual

-just wants to be a dork with you

-another “my best friend is my boyfriend” type of guy

-but also babies the fuck outta you

-is so polite and respectful to your family that they’re suspicious

-gives THE BEST boyfriend hugs

-always smells good

-the type of boyfriend that buys you the giant ass teddy bear and a giant bouquet of flowers

♡𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝓉𝓊𝑒𝓈𝒹𝒶𝓎 ♡

© do not copy, modify, translate, or repost. Jinitude 10/22/19

[breakingsomething]

the fall part sixteen - the calm

basic summary: chase gets his kids for the weekend. anti makes three mistakes. some other stuff happens. this entire chapter is a disjointed mess and i am sorry.

trigger warnings: murder, blood, unwanted touch

tagslist: @synonymsforzombie @spicydanhowell @skyewardlight   @dreaming-of-stories-and-stars @cest-mellow @graveyardlettuce @lower-your-expectationss

a dialing tone had never sounded so scary in all of chase's life.

by the time lucas picked up, he was sweating nervously, gripping the steering wheel of his car tightly with white fingers. he wasn't driving yet; just sitting in the car park outside the flats awkwardly, glaring at his reflection in the rearview mirror. he stuck his tongue out at himself as the tone clicked a voice came from the other end. "chase?"

chase immediately started talking. "hi, sorry, fuck, i didn't mean to stand you up, i swear on my life i didn't, i just - i - i got really distracted and i - i don't think properly sometimes, i am so so so so sorry -"

"it's fine," lucas interrupted. he sounded tired. "you don't have to apologize."

"but i do!" chase despaired, and leaned forward to knock his forehead against the wheel. "i'm so sorry, i - i didn't mean to forget, and i should have called you last night but i was in a bit of a state and i don't know what happened." he hesitated. "i'm not trying to - to make you forgive me or anything, cause obviously you don't have to, but i've… been stressed. i guess it's messing with my head. and i did want to meet up with you, i did. i swear."

there was a moment of silence, during which the ocean of chase's self hatred grew and he gave a small shuddering sigh, pulling the phone away from his face so lucas wouldn't hear. then, in a quiet voice, lucas said "what did you want to meet me for anyway?"

chase swallowed, scratching the back of his head beneath his hat. a car drove by his, and he watched it go, trying to think. "to - ironically, it was to apologize in person for freaking out on you like that," he said with a slight laugh. "i suppose i have more to apologize for now."

lucas paused. "how were you planning to apologize?"

a smile broke chase's lips. "well, i was going to buy us gregg's and a coffee or tea or something, and then i was gonna walk down the high street and give you the apology speech i had prepared, and then you were either gonna forgive me or throw your drink at my head and walk away."

lucas laughed loudly, a deep hearty burst of surprised warmth. chase found himself grinning at the sound. "chase, there wasn't much to apologize for," lucas chuckled. "you were panicking over something in a public space and you wanted to get away. i can understand that, i can. you don't have to tell me what set you off, and you don't have to try and justify not sticking around. i only wish you would have told me where you were going or let me drive you home or - or something. i was worried."

something swelled in chase's chest. "you're not mad?"

"i was a little miffed you stood me up, but i honestly can't stay mad at you too long," lucas said. chase could hear his smile on the other end of the line. "you're definitely under a lot of mental stress, considering the - everything that's been going on lately. but don't worry about it, k? you don't need more to stress over."

"let me make it up to you," chase said. "i'm - actually going to pick up my kids right now, but i'd like to see you sometime soon. to, uh. buy us gregg's." the peak of romance indeed, chase thought, then immediately squashed that thought as far down as he could in his mind and mentally hit it with a mallet. now was not the time to think about that. he turned the car key, waiting for the engine to start. "if that would be ok?"

"i - of course!" lucas exclaimed. "i'd love to, honestly. that sounds… that sounds fun."

chase's car wasn't starting. he turned the key again, listening to the coughing, spluttering sounds the car was making. he heard lucas speak up again. "uhhh… are those noises your car?"

"mm-hmm," chase grunted, practically kicking the brake pedal. "it's not - fucking - working. i swear to god, i cannot do this right now, ugh…"

lucas sounded almost amused. "well then, i suppose it's a good thing you're on a call with the professional chauffeur of hecate, am i right?"

chase's heart skipped. "you - you don't have to do that," he said weakly. the car made another rough wheezing sound, and chase hissed through his teeth. stacy would kill him if he was late, and while he could maybe take a bus, louise got anxious on public transport and he didn't want that for her. "my kids are a bit ridiculous sometimes, and i - are you sure?"

"absolutely!" lucas said certainly. something jingled on his end of the line. "i'll drive right over to yours to pick you up. what's the address we're going to?"

chase told him. "cool," lucas said. "see you in like, ten minutes. g'bye."

chase sighed and got out of the car, gently kicking the side of it before heading back inside. henrik was in the kitchen drying dishes. "did stacy call?" he frowned. chase shook his head, tossing his keys onto the shelf next to the door.

"car's bust. lucas is picking me up. i know, i thought he was gonna fucking hate me after yesterday." he winced. "ok, i should practice not swearing if i'm getting the kids, shouldn't i."

henrik raised an eyebrow. "ok, alright. what's wrong with the car?"

"it's not fucking - it's not fudging starting," he said, plopping down at the kitchen table. henrik snickered, and chase flipped him off. "fudge off. i'll cuss you out later, i swear."

"remember when you never used to swear cause you trained yourself out of it?" henrik grinned. "ah, good memories. let's go back to those times." he caught the look on chase's face and laughed. "oh, don't look so outraged. what are you going to do, call me a poopy head?"

they bickered for the following ten minutes, until they heard a car drive up outside and chase paled. "shit," he gasped, forgetting his no-swear rule in an instant. "ah, shit, i can't do this."

henrik clapped a hand to chase's shoulder, looking him right in the eyes. "chase brody, i have known you for exactly four years now, almost to the day, and you have never been a pussy bitch about anything. i've seen you fall through the porch and stab a piece of wood through your leg and still be making jokes on the way to the er. you are not a coward." he tilted chase's head up and yanked him to his feet. "now go out there and stop being a little bitch baby."

and maybe that inspirational pep talk was exactly what chase needed, because he felt strangely calm as he walked out and waved at the familiar car in the middle of the cul-de-sac, engine still running. "hey there," he grinned as lucas threw open the passenger seat door. "thank you so much for this, man."

"absolutely no problem!" lucas insisted. his hair was tangled and curly, his shirt rumpled and… chase squinted at him as he buckled his seatbelt.

"your shirt's on backwards," he told him.

lucas flushed and grabbed at the front of his shirt, twisting it to look for the tag. chase glanced away. "ah," lucas said. "so it is."

their eyes met, and they both burst into peals of laughter. it wasn't even that funny, but both of them were so glad for a distraction that it didn't even matter. "so tell me about your kids," lucas said as he turned the car to go up the street. "you told me their names, but not much else. what are they like?"

chase smiled, laughing softly. "well, louise is older. she's a papa's girl. she's just the sweetest kid, she's not great with people but she had the greatest imagination. she's told me all about this big world she has created in her head and she talks about it a lot, about all her characters that she says she wants to base books off one day." he paused to take a breath, watching the streets fly past out the window. "and connor loves his mama, he's younger by two years and he's a very sweet boy. he's better with people than his sister and spends a lot of time with his friends, and he loves baking and going out to exercise. not even sports. funnily enough, he doesn't like them because they're "too competitive." he just like running around in circles or doing roly polies across the grass."

he blinked, suddenly realizing how he'd been rambling. he glanced at lucas only to see him smiling wide, eyes crinkled. "no, go on," he said. "tell me more. what are louise's stories about?"

they talked the whole way there. by the time lucas pulled into stacy's driveway, he was feeling much warmer somehow. then he gasped, a sudden icy cold trickled down his back. "oh, sugar. i forgot to tell stacy you were - she might not recognize the car." he made a face, hissing through his teeth. "it's cool. she'll see it's me." he opened the car door, hesitating. "you coming? louise might feel more comfortable with a stranger if she meets you before we're all in a car together."

"uh - sure, yeah!" lucas agreed with a nervous smile, and chase's heart thumped in his chest as they stepped out of the car and up the pathway to the dark red front door of the house chase had once lived in with his wife and kids. this was never normally such an anxious experience for him, but with lucas by his side, it felt so much more personal. even the perfect ring of the doorbell hurt chase's ears. he clenched his fists as the sound of footsteps grew louder, a shadow appearing at the window, someone opening the door.

it was stacy. wavy golden hair, dark brown eyes, a bright blue blouse paired with red cutoff jeans. her face brightened at the sight of chase, then immediately dimmed into confusion as she caught sight of lucas. she shook it off, turning back to chase and quirking an eyebrow. "you're late," she said, as way of greeting.

"sorry, stace, my car wouldn't start," chase explained awkwardly. then he gestured to lucas behind him. "my friend lucas drove me here. he's gonna, uh, drive us back too."

stacy looked suspicious. "uh huh. nice to meet you, lucas."

chase winced at her dry tone, but couldn't really blame her. stacy had a lot of trust issues after anti had taken the kids two years ago. despite stacy's clear distrust, lucas stepped forwards with a warm grin. "nice to meet you too, miss…" his grin faltered, and he glanced at chase. stacy answered instead.

"wilson," she said. "stacy wilson."

"ah!" lucas said. "nice to meet you, miss wilson, and apologies for intruding like this. i'm just doing a favour for chase here. i can show my driver's licence if it'd help put your mind at ease at all about me driving with your children."

stacy blinked, then blanked her face again, showing no reaction. "i think i'd like that, if it's ok," she said softly. then she turned and called into the house. "lou, connor, papa's here!"

immediately, the sound of shrieking picked up, and the pounding of two pairs of feet crashed down the hall. "papa papa papa!" cried two loud voices, and then the kids burst into view, pushing past their mother and latching onto chase tightly. little blonde connor, with his hair falling in his eyes and toothpaste stains on his overalls, and blue eyed louise, chestnut hair tied into intricate braids that fell down the back of her pink hoodie. they laughed as they held him, both babbling so quickly chase could barely keep up.

"papa, papa, we made brownies with ice cream yesterday and they're so nice!"

"we went to the youth club again on wednesday and i got to make a house out of lolly sticks!"

"oh, and i found a cat and i named him johnny but mama wouldn't let us keep him - who's that?"

both children peeked round their father's legs to look at lucas, who was looking considerably more nervous than he had before. he waved, shoulder's almost at his ears. "hey there," he said with a reassuring smile. "my name's lucas. i'm a friend of your papa's."

they were silent for a moment. connor was the first to speak. "what's your last name?"

lucas looked taken aback. "ah - ross. it's ross. why do you ask?"

connor tilted his head. "you look like a teacher. should we call you mr ross?"

lucas suddenly laughed. "that won't be necessary." he put his hands into his pocket, silently rummaging for something. "connor, is it? your father tells me you like running and baking. honestly, that sounds like a fun combination to me. i really like baking too." then he turned to louise, who shrank back behind her brother slightly despite being taller than him. "and you must be louise. very lovely to meet you. i hear you like writing and drawing! that does sound fun. i bet you make really cool stuff." he suddenly pulled out two five pound notes from each pocket, grinning at the way the kid's eyes lit up. "you guys could buy some cool stuff with this. maybe you can go on a shopping trip this weekend."

connor shrieked with excitement as he took both notes, passing one back to his sister, who was still lurking quietly. "thank you, thank you, thank you, mr ross! we'll spend these on good things, promise!"

chase chuckled in disbelief, grinning at lucas's proud expression. "are you trying to make my own kids like you better than me?" he laughed, knocking his arm against his friend's. connor, meanwhile, was leaping up and down in front of stacy, holding up the blue and green note.

"look, mama, we got money! we can buy cool stuff!" he crowed. stacy gave an uncertain smile, glancing up at lucas with concern in her eyes. she was still worried. chase could see that. so, it appeared, was louise. she clutched her note close to her chest, staring shyly down at her blue trainers, although she had a little smile on her face at the same time. stacy, though - for a moment chase was worried she wouldn't accept it, that she'd tell the kids to give the money back. she hesitated, looking down at them, then sighed.

"well - you're not spending it on sweeties, you understand?" she said, forcing a smile. it was just that one sentence that made chase feel an immediate sense of relief. she'd approved. and while chase would probably have to talk to her more about this on sunday, this was happening now, and chase couldn't have felt better.

"come on, kiddos. let's get this going," he beamed, and connor cheered as he bounded into the car. louise was much quieter about it, but as she went by, chase heard her murmur a small "thank you" before climbing in beside her brother.

"please take care of them," stacy said softly. she ran her hands through her hair, suddenly looking exhausted. "they've been through so much already. don't let them hurt more."

she was speaking directly to lucas, despite not right looking at him. lucas relaxed, tapping his shoes against the path. "i won't," he said firmly. "i promise. oh, and here's my license, since you wanted to see -"

while lucas spoke with stacy, chase buckled up the kids into their seats. "mr ross is super nice, papa!" connor exclaimed, kicking his legs. "are we gonna go shopping? what can i buy with this money? how much is this money? there's a - ooh, there's a five in the corner, and it's got winston churchill on it - we're learning about the world wars in school, so i know who he is, papa, i'm so so so so clever!"

chase laughed as his son rambled, then turned to his older daughter. "you ok?" he asked quietly. louise nodded, clinging to her sonic plushie and smiling.

"tell mr ross thank you," she whispered. "he is nice. is he your friend?"

chase sighed softly. "he is my friend," he murmured, guilt still heavy in his chest. he was going to have to make this up to lucas with far more than just a trip to the local bakery. "and you two can call him lucas if you like. no need to be so formal."

he heard lucas say goodbye to stacy then walk round the side of the car to get in the driver's seat. "are you guys all ok?" he asked, looking at the kids in the rearview mirror. they both nodded, louise ducking her head shyly. chase and lucas exchanged smiles. connor and louise liked lucas, albeit maybe due to a little bit of bribery. stacy hadn't freaked out. this was starting off well.

"let's go!" chase said, and the kids cheered as he turned to lucas. "thank you," he said softly. "i'll make it up to you."

"no need," lucas grinned, glancing does at the dashboard. "your kids are sweet. it's my pleasure, honestly."

chase leaned back in his seat, listening to lucas chat with the kids and the ac blowing into the car to cool them down. this was good. maybe things could be good. maybe this was the start of things looking up.

-

anti hadn't meant to do it. at first.

two men had jumped him as he walked down the streets at maybe three in the morning, having gone out to get some supplies from asda before finding a shelter. "what have you got there, tosser?" said one man, grinning. he was holding a knife. so was the other man. they were both big, bigger than anti, both wearing dark clothes and masks over their faces. they looked down at anti like he didn't stand a chance.

honestly, anti just couldn't believe he was getting mugged for the second time in a week. the first time, he'd been caught completely off guard, taken down immediately before he'd had the chance to take his knife out. this time, he had a small switchblade that he'd nicked off a man at the shelter. he could feel it in his sleeve as he held up his hands, warm from his body heat. maybe he wouldn't have to use it. maybe.

but maybe he wanted to.

he thought he blacked out. he remembered laughing - laughing as much as he could in his condition, a wheezing, clicking laugh - and he remembered the blade held tight in his hands, and he remembered dark blood splattered against dark walls, clawing hands, screaming, screaming.

when he came out of his dizzying red haze, two men were lying dead on the floor.

his hands were red. probably. anti was red-green colourblind, and it was very dark, but even with that he could imagine how bright the blood was, scarlet against his pale skin. in his vision, it just looked like ink. thick, disgusting ink, smelling of iron and death. the men had already gone ashen. lifeless. flat eyes. anti used to get high on this, elated by the thrill of tearing a a life away, of hearing agonized screams and pleas for help. now… now he just felt sick.

he hadn't killed anyone since maybe last christmas. that had been the one year anniversary of dapper leaving, and anti had felt so miserable and alone that by the end of the day, at least seven people weren't going home to their families that night. anti had revelled in it. i lost my family, so you get to lose yours too! you're not even real! just characters made by jack to flesh out my world, my world! you're not real! none of this is real! only dapper was real, dapper was real and i lost him, i lost him forever!

seven people. maybe more. it was sickening that anti couldn't remember how many wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, children, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, had sat and waited for their loved one to arrive safely, getting more and more worried as the hours went by, cheer fading with the anxiety of it all, until eventually they got a call from the police letting them know that a person of the description that they'd been looking for had been found, mutilated, soaked in blood, under a bench, in a box, shoved under a truck, on christmas day, christmas day. anti didn't care. he was hurting so badly that he didn't give a shit about anything.

now it was nearly october, nearly a year later, and vomit was rising in anti's throat as he looked at the bodies. he swallowed it back - throwing up was so painful that he'd rather stay miserable than let it out at all - and shuddered, stepping backwards, trainers slipping on the wet, uneven concrete. a sudden calm came over him. he'd killed them. him. not red or bat or anyone else. blood on his hands. he should have enjoyed it.

would he have enjoyed killing those seven people last christmas if he'd been able to go back in time and tell his past self that one day he'd be in their exact position, held down as he was tortured, in agony, but unable to die? was that the reason why he'd been unable to feel his normal exhilaration while killing them? had he seen himself in their eyes?

two wasn't enough.

it was dark as fuck. not many people around. there was, however, a brunette woman in a pink jacket walking along, head down against the world. anti's heart raced. he didn't think this was right. he didn't think this was right.

but he did it anyway. as soon as she went by, anti grabbed her and - and - he didn't think. there was just a knife in her stomach, and she screamed, and oh, that sound elated him and made him feel sick at the same time. he twisted the knife and clamped a bloody hand over her mouth. his head was pounding, black spots dancing in his field of vision.

three people dead. so much blood on him.

had he enjoyed it the way he always had? he couldn't even tell.

it was only a moment before his legs gave out beneath him and he sank dizzily to his knees against the wall of a building, fingers scrabbling for a hold so he wouldn't pass out. he had forgotten this. this would usually be the part where he'd glitch the cameras, loop the footage and delete all record of what he'd done, and turn to static so he could travel somewhere through the phone lines to go wash off. he couldn't do that now. all he could do was stare helplessly, little wheezing breaths escaping his lips as his chest squeezed tighter and tighter. why, why, why did this hurt, why was he so close to throwing up? he closed his eyes and breathed for a moment. don't freak out, don't freak out.

too late for that. because he was - all he could think of was -

“excuse me, sir, are you alright?”

he glanced up to see a woman with dark brown hair and a long blue coat peering down at him with concerned hazel eyes. “‘m fine,” he muttered, not wanting to get other people involved. he looked away from her into the street, hoping to communicate that he wanted to be left alone.

anti needed to catch a breath. he wasn't that weak now. he wasn't.

apparently he hadn’t learned enough about human body language, because she crouched down next to him. “why don’t you come inside?” she purred, pointing to a doorway behind her that said ‘"staff only" in scrawled font. “it’s nice and warm. don’t worry, i’ll say you’re with me.”

he was now beginning to panic. “leave me alone,” he said quietly.

no, no, he could feel her hands on him. he wasn't weak anymore, he wasn't, look at how far he'd come since then.

the woman laughed lightly. she was drunk. he could smell the alcohol on her breath. “hey now, don’t be like that,” she hummed. one of her hands touched his arm gently, and he recoiled in disgust. “really, i just-”

for the past three weeks he had been carrying around a knife. it was a switchblade that he could pop up and down. he had stolen it from an antique shop; he assumed it was valuable, but he didn’t care. it comforted him, and he always had it in his pocket, especially when he was out of the house.

the knife was in the woman’s stomach before he could stop to think.

fuck, fuck, stop touching, stop looking, fucking hell -

anti threw the knife away and clutched at his head, bringing his knees up to his chest. he was going to be sick. this was - it was too much. too much. too much happening, he could feel hands all over him somehow and something warm was burning his cheeks, he was retching, why had he gotten so cocky, why hadn't he been able to stop red taking him away? this was pathetic!

doctor had been right. everything he had said yesterday - anti should just be satisfied with the damage already done. why was he feeling like this now? why did he never know when to quit? he was hurting and it was all too much, make it stop, make it stop make it -

stop -

stop…

anti hadn't meant to do it. at first.

two men had jumped him as he walked down the streets at maybe three in the morning, having gone out to get some supplies from asda before finding a shelter. "what have you got there, tosser?" said one man, grinning. he was holding a knife. so was the other man. they were both big, bigger than anti, both wearing dark clothes and masks over their faces. they looked down at anti like he didn't stand a chance.

honestly, anti just couldn't believe he was getting mugged for the second time in a week. the first time, he'd been caught completely off guard, taken down immediately before he'd had the chance to take his knife out. this time, he had a small switchblade that he'd nicked off a man at the shelter. he could feel it in his sleeve as he held up his hands, warm from his body heat. maybe he wouldn't have to use it. maybe.

but maybe he wanted t-

something banged down the street. all three men whipped round as they heard whooping, a group of people coming out from seemingly nowhere. "the fuck -" said the taller man, and he grabbed his friend's shoulders to drag him away, both of them racing down the alley and out of sight. the group of people passed them by, led by a person who's hood was up to shield their face. on the other side of the street was a brunette woman with a pink jacket head down against the world. she, too, disappeared from view.

and anti was seemingly alone again.

seemingly.

-

the day before, right after henrik and marvin's conversation on the stairwell

henrik von schneeplestein wasn't a stupid man. marvin just liked to underestimate him. he quietly watched his brother disappear downstairs before sneaking into his room, softly clicking the door shut behind him.

marvin hadn't even tried to be subtle. henrik had heard him talking to anti through the door, a one sided conversation that he obviously couldn't catch the other side of, although it wasn't hard to figure out what was going on. and even though he couldn't immediately see anti when he slipped inside, he knew he was there. he could feel his presence.

"i know you're in here," he said aloud. "i could hear marvin talking to you. oh, let me guess. the rain is too much for you, so you're taking advantage of marvin again. i'm not a fucking idiot, anti."

something clattered in the wardrobe, like something being dropped. henrik stiffened, then walked towards it slowly, still talking.

"jackie told us everything, you know. about how you were taking over his mind, how you were manipulating his nightmares, trying to make him one of your fucking puppets. just like jamie, eh? you needed to replace him. it was your gottverdammt fault that he - snapped!"

henrik threw the doors to the wardrobe open. anti was in there, scowling - henrik presumed marvin had told him to hide, the sneaky bastard - but stepped out as soon as he was revealed, hands flying.

"you think i corrupted him?" he signed, so fast henrik almost couldn't read his hands. "you think it was my fault he ended up an unhinged sick bitch? he was always like that and you just never saw. all i did was nudge him. without meaning to, of course, but apparently a few bad dreams were enough to push him to doing the shit he did. you can't blame anyone else for what happened. even me."

he was breathing heavily by the time he finished, clinging to the door with his good hand tightly. henrik didn't break eye contact with him even as his mind raced with everything anti had just said. he was lying. anti was a liar, a manipulator, a trickster. this had been his fault and he couldn't deny it.

henrik grabbed anti's shirt and pushed him up against the wall next to the window. "stop it!" he cried, furious. "just stop it! haven't you done enough, aren't you satisfied with the damage you've done -"

anti suddenly shoved henrik off him, grabbing the curtain for support. he didn't sign anything. he just glared, rage blazing in his eyes like fire. henrik stared down at him, teeth gritted with the effort it was taking not to scream or break something or throw anti right out the window in the hopes that it would make him feel any better.

"don't - fucking - come back here," henrik spat, voice shaking. his nails dug into his palms so hard he could feel it bleeding. "you hear me? all you've ever done is hurt. aren't you - don't you get sick of it? of being so hated? fuck, i just - stay away from us."

anti sank to the floor under the window, evidently too tired to do anything but hiss softly through his teeth. henrik turned on heel, disgusted, and stormed from marvin's room, listening to his brother downstairs in the kitchen and trying not to break down.

-

present day

the door to naomi's shop creaked open, the bell tinkling loudly to alert her to a customer's presence. she sighed softly in despair, despite having opened the store with the intention of people coming in. that hadn't meant she wanted to interact with people.

naomi knew she wasn't supposed to have reopened the store so soon after her relapse. but nai's blomma magi was literally her only source of income, and she couldn't afford to keep it closed. although she had considered calling marvin to ask him to come help out, but didn't want to bother him anymore than she had to. she cringed thinking back on how she'd exploded at him already. she didn't want to end up saying anything any worse and have him leave her forever.

she was honestly surprised he hadn't already.

the customer came round the shelves to the counter, and naomi jumped upon seeing who it was. at first she thought it was marvin, but a moment of closer inspection revealed it was anti, a big jacket on and a black scarf wrapped around his mouth. he came right up to the counter, looking down to pull something out of his pockets.

"anti," naomi said, surprised. her accent still made it sound like "andy," and she hoped he wouldn't be too upset about it. "what are you doing here? i mean, good to see you, but -"

anti pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and placed it down on the counter, sliding it towards naomi. she picked it up curiously and read it. have you seen marvin? it read.

"i - yes, i suppose i have," she said, confused. had anti gotten a haircut? it looked nice. she wasn't going to say that though, obviously. "last i saw him was at the park yesterday morning. why? you know where he lives anyway."

anti pulled out a pen and began to scribble, holding the paper down with his left hand as he wrote. need to find him as soon as possible, he wrote. he's not at the same house. i can't find him and i have to.

naomi frowned. "they - they're at the same flat as they've been for almost a year. weren't you just there the other day?"

anti looked up with pleading grey eyes. please just tell me the address, he wrote. this is important. i swear i mean no ill intent.

well, that was a weird thing to say. but naomi's head was still foggy and her thoughts were barely making sense. she quickly gave anti the address, which he wrote down, his eyes crinkling in a grateful smile. "thank you," he said, a sign naomi knew, and she nodded uncertainly, smiling back at him as he turned and left. it was only then that she realized anti must have been wearing some kind of makeup under his eyes, because she couldn't see any of his scars.

there was something off about all of this. something very off. naomi wasn't sure what, and she didn't have the energy to think about it, but she knew.

however, she didn't have time to think about it. as she watched anti go, she could see something odd about the sky outside. her lips parted softly at the sight, and she found herself unconsciously stepping forwards closer to the door to take a look. and oh, the sight of what was happening outside took her breath away.

all she could do was stare at the sky in wonder.

-

connor and louise had both had a fantastic day with their papa. they had gotten to see uncle henrik and uncle marvy again, and they had all gone to the park for a little while before going to papa's house and watching a movie. uncle henrik had made them popcorn, and papa had bought them each pretty new shelves for their room. on top of all that, papa's new friend had given them money and talked to them so nicely. it had all been good. right up until they woke up in the wee hours of the morning to a strange sight outside.

it was just a bright light at first, making louise screw up her eyes tighter and turn her head away from the window. but the glow was lighting up the entirety of their room, and she cracked her eyes with a soft moan. it was only when she looked properly that she sat up, gasping softly.

"connor," she whispered, shaking off her covers and pressing bare feet to the cold floor, padding over to her brother's bed and shaking him. "con-nor. wake up, please wake up."

connor groaned in his sleep, scrunching up his face and turning away. louise shook him again, poking his cheek. "connor!"

eventually, the boy whined softly and flopped round to face his sister. "what?" he moaned, then threw an arm over his face. "turn off the light, lou, it's too bright. what time is it?"

"i don't know, and the light isn't on," she said. she stepped aside to let connor see the window, and he squinted. "look at that!"

connor sat straight up, breathing in sharply. "woah!" he exclaimed, swinging his legs over the bed and standing next to his sister. "what is that?"

he quickly bounded towards the window, louise hissing words of caution behind him. "louise!" he cried, slapping both hands to the glass and pressing his face to try and see clearer. "the sky is falling!"

and he was right. the sky was falling.

it should have been pitch black outside. instead, the sky was lit up with a thousand vibrant colours, chunks of neon light streaming down to the ground like transparent meteors. wispy ribbons of colour were trailing through the stars to the buildings below, like the northern lights, but far more explosive. the kids gaped, awestruck.

"wow," louise gasped. "the sky is really falling."

the sky was really falling.

[love-fireflysong]

Day 18: Photo

Fandom: Until Dawn Character(s): Chris Hartley, Josh Washington, Ashley Brown Words: 1962 Rating: Teen (language bitches!) Author’s Notes: *Nickelback’s ‘Photograph’ plays in the background* Still alive over here! And it’s not angst this time! Amazing, I know. Big reason this one is so late is because after spending 3 days thinking about what to do for this, I still had nothing. And then I inspiration came to me in the shower so here we are: the follow-up to Deals and Arguments that probably no one wanted! Because lets be honest, if Ash is the one who writes ‘Ashley Hartley’ in her books, then Chris absolutely scribbled a heart with their initials by accident once. And that’s all it takes for Josh...

For almost as long as Chris had known him, Josh had always been obsessed with the idea. He wants to say that it started when they were in fifth grade, when their teacher, Ms. Franks, announced to the class that since she was pregnant, that she was going to be taking a leave of absence just before the end of the school year. Someone, he couldn’t recall who, had asked if they had a name for the baby picked out, but he could recall the response as though it had happened only yesterday.

“It’s still a little too early for names, but if they’re gonna be a girl, we’re thinking of naming her after a mutual best friend of ours.”

Ever since then, Josh had been all over the idea. Every dare, every piece of blackmail, every ‘dying’ wish was the same: “Name your kid Josh.” When he was younger, Chris would laugh and shove Josh away with a roll of his eyes. It was funny back when he was like ten or eleven, or hell, even when he was thirteen! He was gonna be a super cool app developer, he wasn’t gonna have time for marriage, much less kids. All of his time was gonna be spent developing super awesome games and apps that were gonna save the world! Or something. 

While his mind didn’t exactly change the moment he met Ashley the summer after he turned thirteen, he is ashamed to admit it was pretty dang close. Josh introduced Ash to him in their favorite fast food diner, and declared the three of them to be best friends, til death do us part, yada yada yada. At the end of July, the three of them were inseparable, and by the beginning of school that September, he was gone. Donezo baby! Head-over-fucking-heels for the little braces wearing, red-head that read Sherlock Holmes and Shakespeare for fun.

And unsurprisingly, Josh never let up on his demand. Nope, he did not! In fact, he got even worse about it. 

He needed to borrow a pencil for math? Name your kid after me. 

Can he spot him a couple of bucks for ice cream? Only if you name your kid Josh. 

When did the Battle of the Alamo take place? 1846. But I’ll tell you the right answer if you swear to name your first-born after me. 

While extremely exhausting to try and avoid, Chris was able to do so easily. He just started asking the kid who sat behind him in class for pencils, borrowed money from Ash instead, and he’d rather fail history then name his kid after Josh. Thankfully, after his first bombed history exam, Ash made all three of them do their homework together constantly, so the last one became a moot point. Barely.

Eventually, Josh tapered off on the demand, but not until after the start of the next school year. Most people probably would have stopped a few weeks in, but most people weren’t Josh Washington. When he wanted something, the guy stuck to his guns and didn’t give it up for nothing. Not that he stopped entirely of course, Josh still brings it up during dares and shit but it becomes immensely more manageable. He notices that he doesn’t ask it of Ash during these game, but when he considers the completely mortified look she gets on her face when ever he gets asked, Chris figures that its probably for the best.

(The fact that he not only stops that day Chris walked back into Ash’s bedroom and she’s as red as her hair while shoving something into her desk drawer, but that’s also when the mortification starts, he doesn’t clue into until years later.)

So when Josh walks up to him during their first period together with the absolute shittiest of shit-eating grins on his face, Chris is on red high alert.

“Oh no. What did you do?”

The laugh Josh gives is low and dark, and if Chris’s hackles weren’t raised earlier, they sure as fucking-hell are now. “Oh no, Cochise. It’s not what I’ve done, it’s what you’ve done.” With that, Josh proceeds to just slam a binder onto Chris’s desk, and he looks to see that he recognizes it easily.

“Okay...? I don’t see what my math notes have to do with anything.”

Another laugh, this one somehow darker and eviler then the first. Oh boy, those alarms going off in his head aren’t getting any quieter. “Oh, it has absolutely everything to do with you.” Before Chris can even respond, Josh is already flipping through the pages, past older pieces of loose-leaf that ripped from the binder coils that he hadn’t bothered to repair and and the newer notes with their edges still intact, and stops at the most recent. At first Chris doesn’t see anything, it’s all his notes about logarithms that he had taken the previous day, blue ink scratchy and messy all across the page, and then he does. And he absolutely blanches at the sight and hurriedly slams the binder shut, putting his face in his arms as he covers his head, actually whimpering as he refuses to look at Josh.

He doesn’t have to look to see the triumphant grin on Josh’s face, he can already imagine it pretty clearly. 

“Oh fuck me.”

The worst part is that he didn’t even know it was there in the first place, he never would have lent his notes out otherwise. Josh had been missing more and more school recently, claiming that he was having killer headaches and they were making him sick, so Chris had done what friends do for each other and lent him his notes. What he didn’t realize was that at some point when he had been taking notes down, he had drawn a little heart in the margins with the initials CH+AB inside. Something he never would have done if Josh had been there with him, but he hadn’t been, so Chris had zoned out thinking about meeting up with Ash after school to bring Josh his homework.

He was so dead.

“What do you want?” Though muffled through his arms, he cringed at how small and weak his voice came out.

God, he could hear the stupid grin in Josh’s voice when he answered. “You know exactly what I want, Cochise. What I’ve always wanted.”

Chris didn’t remove his head from his arms on the desk, but he did turn it enough to narrow his eyes at Josh. “Are you fucking serious dude? Really? You’re still on about that shit?”

“I will never stop. You know this to be true.”

“I am not naming my stupid kid after you! I mean, maybe I won’t ever have kids. I’m certainly not gonna if I have to name them Josh!”

Josh rolled his eyes, but the wide grin never left his face. “You don’t have to name all of them after me. Just one.” Somehow, Chris watched the grin get even wider as a thought came to him. “Maybe two, if they’re twins. Can you imagine? The twins, Joshua and Joshlynn, it’ll be great!”

“Okay, now I’m definitely never having kids.”

Josh gave a short bark of laughter. "Please, like that’s ever gonna happen. You wanna know why, Cochise? Cause if Ash is gonna want kids, then you’re gonna want kids.”

He couldn’t help it. He really, truly couldn’t help it. The image of little kids with bright red hair and glasses flashed through his mind unbidden, and he groaned loudly and put his face back into his arms to hide how red his face had gotten.

“Anything else, dude. Make me do anything else. I will strip and run through the entire school naked if you want, just don’t make me promise you this stupid shit.” God, if only he hadn’t drawn that stupid heart on his stupid notes, then none of this would be happening right now! He sat up in his seat at the revelation. “Wait. I can just rewrite the page and burn this one.”

“Oh, Chris Chris Chris.” They way Josh shakes his head in disappointment sends around a million different alarm bells ringing. “Do you really think that little of me? I took like a million pictures my dude. This shit is saved forever. I can send this to Ash whenever the fuck I want. I can post this on whatever social media I feel like and it will live on the internet forever, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Oh. Right. Shit. “I can’t believe that you can literally blackmail me with anything right now, and this is the hill you’re dying on.”

“So are we in agreement then?”

“I cannot believe I’m saying this, but yes. Fine. I will name my stupid kid after your stupid ass.”

“Oh please. Your kid may be stupid, but there is no way that any kid of Ashley’s is gonna be.”

“...I hate you so much right now.”

--------------------------------------------------

Chris hadn’t meant to respond the way he did when he found the old notebook he had bought for Ash years ago. He really hadn’t. He had just been excited to find out that she had kept the stupid thing after all these years, he hadn’t even been joking when he told her that he had spent ages in the store looking for it. (”It has to be perfect, Mom! I can’t just buy her any stupid old journal, she loves these things! I mean, what if she hates it?”) So he had opened it and started flipping through the pages, laughing with her at all the stupid misspellings and bad grammar that her thirteen year-old self had written.

And then he reached the last page.

Things had really been out of his hands at that point. Something about seeing her writing her name down as ‘Ashley Hartley’ had just ignited something in him. The images of her walking down an aisle, of them with matching rings on their fingers, of kids running underfoot, was too much for him to handle. So Chris had kissed her. Kissed her like he was never gonna be able to do it again. Them falling onto her bed had been an accident, though a happy one, as they both didn’t hesitate to deepen the kiss.

Finally, he had pulled away and her giggle when she moved to fix his glasses had taken his breath away. It had quickly returned when his eyesight improved enough to really take in the image of Ash flushed pink with her red hair spread out under her on the bed, and he was suddenly reminded that she was going to be living with him soon! That this was a sight he was going to be waking up to every morning at the end of the month, and he had never wanted anything so bad in his life.

“So,” his voice is rougher than usual when he speaks and he can feel her shiver under him at it. He makes a note for future reference. “Ashley Hartley, huh?” 

He watches her bite her lip, and it takes everything in him to not kiss her again. Two years in, and he’s still amazed that he’s allowed to kiss her whenever he wants, that she encourages it even! “Be honest with me,” she starts off and Chris has never been told to do something so easy in his life, “what do you think of the name Joshlynn?”

He stares at her for just a moment, just letting her words sink in, and then falls forward to smother himself in her hair, his shoulders shaking he’s laughing so hard. Of course. Of fucking course he did.

“So he got you too, I see.”