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bengiyo · 10 months

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The Knowing: Being Queer in BL

I’ve been talking about The Knowing a lot lately with @lurkingshan @waitmyturtles @ginnymoonbeam and @shortpplfedup and so I felt it was time to gather all those thoughts into one place.

I define The Knowing as “growing up and suffering with the knowledge that you are queer (specifically that you are not like other kids) and understanding that you must keep that knowledge to yourself.”

Part of what initially drew me to BL was how often many of these shows took place in what @absolutebl calls “The Bubble” where cultural and structural homophobia is less prevalent or nonexistent. Many of these stories are about guys learning something about themselves for the first time when it comes to being attracted to other men. However, I always find myself drawn to the characters that clearly Knew who they were a long time ago. What’s interesting about these characters is that many of them carry an intense sadness and loneliness that plagues them and their relationships.

I am in my mid-30s. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of language over the decades. When I first realized I was different from other kids I was eight years old. I was a lot like Chiron in Moonlight (2016) asking the question, “What’s a faggot?” I wish I’d had someone like Juan around to say, “A faggot is a word used to make gay people feel bad.” To which Chiron asked, “Am I a faggot?” and Juan quickly corrected. “Nah. You can be gay, but you ain’t gotta let nobody call you no faggot.” I know it’s hard for some of you to read slurs written out so plainly, but I grew up with them being part of the day-to-day language used by kids around me. If you instinctively recoiled at me typing the word four times, imagine experiencing that constantly for your entire adolescence while also fearing the consequences of being discovered by your peers. That’s what I survived. That’s what some of these boys survived.

Before I learned other words, I thought I was weird or broken. I knew I was drawn to boys before I even hit puberty, but I didn’t have language for existing on the ace-spectrum until I joined Tumblr in the early 2010s. Before that I just thought there was something wrong with me. When we see a character in BL who has clearly been gay for a long time, I find myself examining the environment around them to see if they suffered The Knowing.

The worst part of The Knowing is for the boys who can pass as straight if they try hard enough. I always talk about how I think femmes are stronger than those of us (like me) who can pass. They face the public scrutiny of being queer and the danger of that constantly. People like me often go unnoticed unless we’re amongst our peers or explicitly tell people who we are.

I’m writing this post as a love letter to the boys who suffered the Knowing. Sometimes these characters get a bad reputation in fandom for being boring or sad sacks, but they are the characters I love the most. I’d like to talk about some of my favorite boys who Knew. Unsurprisingly, the exact kind of melancholy Japan is willing to play with means they have strong presence on this list.

Korn (Until We Meet Again)

Korn is the character who began my discussion about this in a conversation with @wen-kexing-apologist about Kao’s acting. I pointed out that the saddest thing about Korn in Until We Meet Again is that he knew what he was going to do the entire time. The tragedy of UWMA is that Korn loved Intouch and let him in, and unfortunately learned that Intouch’s love couldn’t fix the horrors that plagued him. You can see it in Kao’s eyes for the entire show whenever we see the In and Korn flashbacks. He suffers under the weight of masculine expectation and crumbles.

The Entire Cast of What Did You Eat Yesterday?

WDYEY is all about characters who Knew. Kenji and Wataru may have been unable to pass and have chosen to accept who they are, but we know Wataru suffered for it because of his feelings about family. Shiro hid who he was for a very long time, and still hides it from most people. His trauma from The Knowing regularly threatens his relationship with Kenji. Kohinata also clearly knew who he was the entire time, and works diligently for the life he’s built for himself. So much of this show is about being gay in a world that does not value us.

Book, Christina, and Yok (Make It Right)

Book is actively victimized because of The Knowing. He left his previous school and doesn’t live with his family because he was outed by a past boyfriend, and is disowned after revenge porn of him is posted.

Both Chrstina and Yok are femme and cannot pass. Unlike many of the boys in this show figuring out who they are, they are trying to survive without losing themselves.

Li Ming (Moonlight Chicken)

Li Ming has a gay uncle and still suffers The Knowing. He is hiding his attraction from everyone until he develops feelings for Heart.

Itou Akira (Life: Love on the Line)

We experienced the entire arc of this man’s life and how much The Knowing crushed him. This is probably the most The Knowing character on the list.

Oumi Mitsuru (Eternal Yesterday)

Oumi has such a frank expression of The Knowing and how much it hurts that he likes Koichi but feels like he can’t express it.

Takahashi Satoru (Koisenu Futari)

The man literally blogs about The Knowing, and it’s how Sakuko began to understand herself. He has a questionnaire prepared to help you figure out how long you’ve Known.

Ren (Tokyo in April Is…)

I wrote multiple posts about Ren and his experience with The Knowing. So much of what goes wrong for them is because Ren couldn’t believe that Kazuma could like him, too, and he knowingly faced the consequences of being discovered to save Kazuma’s life.

Pete (Love by Chance)

Pete knows who he is and can’t change it. Trump uses this against him. Pete doesn’t want Ae to be gay like him and suffer with the realities of being a Known Gay. Pete has one of the first coming out scenes in BL that I really enjoyed.

Cairo (Gameboys)

Cairo was clearly struggling with Knowing, and his close friend took his coming out from him. Cairo is a brat, but goddamn do I appreciate some of his angst.

See-eiw (My Only 12%)

He watched The Love of Siam (2007) and had a complete emotional breakdown as he was finally able to name his feelings for Cake. Top-tier expression of The Knowing.

Shin (3 Will Be Free)

I mean, we don’t have to look much further than his entire sad existence and being pushed into sex with a prostitute in the first episode. Also there’s, “It wasn’t that you didn’t like boys. You just didn’t like me.” Shin is the only boy in BL-adjacent media to suffer a specific version of The Knowing: being rejected and discarded by your own people in a homophobic way so they could stay closeted.

Phupha (A Tale of Thousand Stars)

Phupha’s entire romantic angst is built around The Knowing and what others seeing him for who he is will do for him.

Pran (Bad Buddy)

Though Bad Buddy exists in The Bubble, Pran has one of the most painful versions of The Knowing I’ve ever experienced because his is wrapped up in family angst and an unrequited crush.

Lee Wan (Our Dating Sim)

Lee Wan suffered The Knowing and broke things with his best friend after confessing. The Knowing destroyed his ability to see a version of his life where he and Shin Kitae overcame the upcoming challenges together and so he takes that choice from Kitae. Crushing.

Ueda Minoru (Our Dining Table)

Minoru is so familiar with The Knowing that he preemptively breaks up with Yutaka after kissing him.

Kiyoi (My Beautiful Man)

The reveal that Kiyoi already knew who he was and noticed Hira the entire time? Beautiful. One of the best reveals in J-BL history.

Minato (Minato’s Laundromat)

This man is one of the sadder examples of The Knowing because he’s in a place where he understands who he is now, but the internalized homophobia cripples almost all of his romantic and closer relationships.

Han Baram (Sing My Crush)

This boy is suffering so much from The Knowing that his love confession song is literally titled “Letter of Apology.”

Oh-aew (I Told Sunset About You)

He Knew. “Are you proud of me?”

Noh Shinwoo and Shin Daon (Light On Me)

Noh Shinwoo clearly suffered The Knowing and was discovered. His bullies still plague him on the streets when they see him. Shin Daon was not surprised by his attraction to Woo Taekyung; he struggled with his parents expectations.

Nagisa (His: I Didn’t Mean to Fall in Love)

Nagisa definitely Knew who he was and was probably going to stay quiet about it until Shun showed up in his life. What upsets me so much about Nagisa is that he is the one who leaves Shun later in the movie after pulling queerness out of Shun.

The Secret Crush on You Quartet

All four of them get a spot on this list for The Knowing. Toh, Kaojao, and Daisy clearly suffered The Knowing, and Som has clearly taken care of them for a long time.

Rocky and Judah (Quaranthings)

I love that these two explore The Knowing from a class perspective. Judah is wealthier and eventually comes out, but Rocky is poor and struggles with it a lot longer.

Han Tae Joo and Kang Gook (Where Your Eyes Linger)

The Knowing, bodyguard edition. The yearning between the two of these is palpable. It hurts that they can’t even talk to each other about it.

Mafuyu (Given)

He Knew and lost his boyfriend to The Knowing.

Kim Dong Hee (Unintentional Love Story)

He won’t acknowledge Go Ho Tae’s feelings because he feels a sense of loyalty to Ho Tae’s mom for taking care of him after his parents disowned him over the gay thing. Huge case of The Knowing.

Edit: New Additions October 7, 2023.

Nekoyashiki Mamoru (Kabe-Koji Nekoyashiki-kun Desires to be Recognized)

He describes a textbook case of the Knowing and finding community at the convention.

Zo (Hidden Agenda)

He definitely Knew, and got messed over by his friends badly for it.

Yuuki (Me, My Husband, and My Husband's Boyfriend)

We almost lost Yuuki to the Knowing.

All of the Eclipse Gays

Literally all of them. The entire show is about how fascism turns queer people into agents working against their own community.

Joe (The Warp Effect)

He clearly Knew before his encounter with Army, and he also suffered for being outed.

#Ben writes #The Knowing #too many shows to tag #what did you eat yesterday?#until we meet again #bl series #thai bl #japanese bl #korean bl #filipino bl

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acourtofthought · 2 months

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I have no doubt that Lucien loved Jesminda with his entire heart. But in romance books, the author does typically want to write the endgame pairing in a way that lets readers know that their story is the ultimate love, something that could not have even been topped by a characters first love. I sometimes think on how SJM will go about convincing both Elain and the readers that Elain is his soulmate and not only because they share a bond but because of who Elain is as an individual and why she as an individual is everything he could want, why even if Jesminda were alive he would still choose Elain (something I do think Elain might have fears over). It's easy to see why Graysen was never going to be right for Elain, the red flags were already included in ACOMAF for us but Jesminda is on a pedestal for us, her death truly seems a tragedy for Lucien. However........ "She had teased him taunted him - seduced him so thoroughly that he hadn't wanted anything but her."

"She had chosen him."

I wonder if there is something in those lines because Lucien spent his youth being tormented by both his father and his brothers, he was clearly unwanted by 7/8th of the people around him and the one who loved him (the LoA) did not seem to have enough agency to prevent what was done to him. Lucien loved Jesminda, no doubt, but is she who he would have chosen for himself? We aren't given hints that he was initially drawn to her, we're told she was drawn to him. Was he overwhelmed by the fact that someone made him their priority, that they wanted him and him alone when he had spent so much time being unwanted and that is why he dove into their relationship with his whole heart? Jesminda was his escape from a terrible life and I can understand why he put his everything into it, she would have been the brightest light in the darkness. He would have been willing to leave everything behind for her, the court, his title, but that's because those things were his curse. Had he loved his court, his family, his brothers, would he have still been willing to leave that all behind for a female who was too wild and free to remain trapped in a life with structure and expectation?

I realize it's important for Elain to choose Lucien but I think it's important for Lucien to also choose someone who hasn't made it easy for him. He did not have to put effort into Jesminda to win her heart, Jesminda made her intentions very clear and all Lucien had to do was say yes. He was able to easily find female companionship even after that (though it's evident he never opened himself up emotionally to any of them). So yeah, I think the Elucien stalemate is actually a good thing for Lucien because it shows that he longs for Elain even when she does not seem to be reaching out to him, is not chasing him. She is not his current escape from sadness, from loneliness and he's not clinging to her because it's the one good thing in his otherwise uncertain life. He still wants her despite the fact that she's part of the reason he is struggling (the hallmark of all epic love stories, am I right?). Lucien has suffered in his life, no doubt. But he has never suffered for a female to earn her love and that is the one thing that Elain can believe in if she's ever in doubt as to his desire to be with her. She is the one person who he wanted regardless of what she felt for him. She is the one person who he waited for, regardless of how long it took. She is the one female who didn't fall at his feet, making it easy for him which is proving to the reader that he would stand by her side through the highs and the lows and I hope we'll find that it's because of who Lucien has seen Elain to be and how she is exactly who he would have chosen for himself.

#pro elucien #elucien #lucien vanserra #elain archeron

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starfirewildheart · 5 months

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Scars and Souvenirs

Chapter 11

Summary: Sy and his lady both retire from the army but not before tragedy befalls Sy. He slowly tries to adjust to life again on their ranch.

Pairing: Sy / OFC

Word count: 2,869

Rating: mentions of war; being a POW, death and animal abuse. Nothing graphic I promise but if the fic continues (if y'all like it) I'll add warnings for each chapter. All mistakes are mine, sorry.

Scars and Souvenirs

Chapter 11

(It's still the start to mid December and not Christmas yet. I apologize but rl took over and I didn't have time to write Sy and Debbie's holidays! Thanks for being patient and I hope you're still reading!)

Debbie was flitting around the kitchen baking cookies and preparing to make candies. Today was the day! Mike was coming to stay with them today. The judge decided that while the investigation of Mike's father was underway that Mike should be housed somewhere else and since Deb and Sy were going to put him to work on the ranch they would also take temporary guardianship of him. Just as she was taking a tray of cookies out of the oven and placing the pan on a cooling rack she heard them come. She nervously wiped her hands on a dish towel.

“Smells amazing in here sugar.” Sy gave her a kiss and wrapped an arm around her waist. He reached over and snatched a still hot cookie off the pan and took a bite.”Mmmmm, perfect!” He licked his lips.

Deb swatted his arm, “they aren't finished!” She smiled over at Mike and handed him one of the cookies. “There is a damaged cookie pile for sampling,” She winked.

“ Thanks,” Mile grinned then took a bite. The sugary cookie just melted in his mouth. It was the best cookie he'd ever had. “ It's good, thanks.” Mike was still unsure of exactly what was happening to him. No one had ever helped him before and he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Did Sy give ya the tour of the stable and horses?”

“Yea,” he nodded. “It's sad that the animals were so abused.”

“People suck,” She nodded then paused, “most people I mean. Some people are nice.” She fidgeted for a moment and Sy laughed then leaned in and kissed her head.

“She says what she thinks,” he winked at Mike who grinned.

“So,” Deb bit her lip. “Would you like to put your stuff in your room?”

“I'm doing time. Am I not sleeping in the stable with the horses?” Mike sighed. “This is punishment, right?”

Deb approached him and put her arm around his shoulders leading him towards his room, Sy grabbed Mike's bag as he followed. “Yes and no. This is your punishment for things that you did; however, this isn't jail.”

Mike looked around the bedroom they led him to. It was much bigger than the one at home and sparkling clean. It was plain, light grey walls, white borders, two bi windows with deep blue curtains and a matching comforter on the twin bed.

Sy and Deb leaned back against the dresser. “ There are rules here that will be followed or the court will take you straight to juvi,” Sy explained as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“We get up early. We work hard all day no matter what the weather. It's hard, it's smelly but it's rewarding. We want to make the rules clear, no surprises and be open and up front about our expectations,” Sy explained.

Mike braced himself for what was coming. This was going to suck and he knew it. Things never worked out well for him. At least he would know what was expected of him and not be set up for failure just guessing at what they would want. “Ok.”

“Rule number one,” Deb said, “Know that you are safe here and you can talk to us about anything. “

“Rule number two,” Sy continued, “If you need anything, tell us. We are not here to hurt you.”

Mike shifted uncomfortably and chewed on his lip. What was this? What were they trying to do? He crossed his arms and just listened.

“Rule three,” Deb added “We expect you to do what we ask. It's hard work but you will always be safe. We will teach you everything we want you to do.”

“Rule four,” Sy said, “You will not leave the farm without us and we need to know where you are at all times.”

“Rule five,” Deb continued, “You keep all your meetings with the case worker and we join you at those meetings because right now we are actively your guardians.” She pushed away from the dresser and moved toward the door. “These aren't rules but,” She looked at Sy nervously. “I know the room is plain because I'd like you to make it your own. Decorate it, put up posters, we can even go shopping and get you lamps and bedding you like. We are going to be working on cookies and candy most of the night and we would love it if you would join us.” She put her hand on his shoulder for a moment before going back to the kitchen.

“Take the time you need to settle, put your stuff away and acclimate to your surroundings. When you're settled you know where we'll be,” Sy nodded and left the room.

What the fuck was happening? People weren't this kind, never to him. This had to be some sort of set up, right? Who were these people?

~~~~♡~~~~

Debbie laughed as she swatted Sy's arm. “You are gonna make yourself sick like that.”

Sy, very unapologetically, licked the spoon full of frosting again. He'd confiscated the remainder of the large mixing bowl as soon as she had separated most of it into smaller bowls for coloring. He wasted no time samplithisng a spoon of the sugary mix and his eyes rolled back as he moaned with pleasure. “Why haven't you made before?”

She stirred gel colors into the smaller bowls. “Well between the desert, then rehab and going straight into building this ranch we never really had time to play house,” She shrugged. “Thought it was now or never.”

He frowned at her, pausing with the spoon midway between the bowl and his mouth dripping more into his beard. “Now or never?”

Mike walked into the kitchen having decided to try to make the best of this situation. He could hate them until he found out what kind of people they were, right? “So What ca….” He paused mid sentence and blinked at Sy. The man had white, frothy stuff all in his beard around his mouth. “Rabid bear,” he thought and apparently said out loud.

Debbie laughed but the more she looked at the frosting on Sy's face the more she lost it. She had tears in her eyes and giggle snorted pointing at her perplexed boyfriend. “Porn star,” was all she managed before erupting into another fit.

Sy arched his brow thinking she had totally lost it as he looked between her and the frosting. What she was laughing at finally hit him. The white frosting looked like cum all over his beard. “Oh funny,” he smirked at her. Moving quick as a flash he had her arms pinned to her sides with one of his around her waist. Taking the spoon out of the bowl he smeared it on her face as she struggled to get free.

“Austin Lee Syverson don't you .. You brat!” She huffed through her giggles.

“What? I just wanted us to match.” He acted innocent but his burgeoning erection against her ass said anything but.

She turned her head toward him, kissing his cheek, smearing more icing on him before squirming free and getting some paper towels to wipe her face. “As you can see Sy has issues behaving,” She winked at Mike, who was trying really hard not to laugh and failing.

She took the spoon outta Sy's hand again and smeared some on Mike's cheek. “Now you match, “ She beamed. “Would you like to work on baking cookies, decorating cookies or making candy?”

Mike blinked and stepped back when he got icing-ed but laughed when Sy laughed and shook his head. “I…I'm not sure I would be good at any of it. I don't want to mess anything up.”

“Like you could make more of a mess than my grown-ass toddler? It's not about being perfect or even good at it, it's about having fun! We aren't on a baking competition to be judged. If it tastes bad we'll just make you eat it all,” She smirked and hugged an arm around Mike’s shoulders. I have some more drop cookies ready to bake. You and Sy working together can get through those and some crackle cookies while I work on these and we can move on to candy together.” She set up what they needed and gave them directions on what to do.

Sy and Mike worked well together talking and laughing easily. Sy fell into that leadership role like he'd never left it. He was firm, informative and fair to his men in Special Forces and was made to lead and help. It made Deb all tingly watching him in control.

They moved through the cookies quickly, both Mike and Sy eating several and soon getting a sugar rush. They were both laughing and zooming around talking about how good the sugar cookies Deb decorated looked.

They, mostly Debbie with assists from Sy and Mike, made two types of fudge, chocolate covered pretzels, divinity, buckeyes, and truffles. They even made cookie and yogurt treats for Aika. Conversation was easy and they moved fluidly like they knew what the other needed and it was shocking because they were strangers to each other but it felt like they'd known each other for a lifetime.

The trio worked through lunch though the boys were stuffing themselves with cookies and candy.

“I don't know about you fellas but I'm tired after all of that,” Deb sighed as she closed the dishwasher and started it. Cleaning up was the worst part but they got it done. “I am desperately in need of a shower but afterward how about we order some pizza and watch movies tonight?”

“Sounds perfect to me,” Sy nodded.

“Sure,” Mike nodded. “I need a shower too.”

“When we were in Iraq we had to shower outside with cold water, which you would think is good in the desert right? But not at night when it's freezing cold. So… when we designed this house we agreed we would get a tankless hot water heater which means you can shower in your bathroom while I shower in the master.”

He was impressed having never heard of it but hot water was awesome. Sometimes his old man didn't even pay the utilities so he could buy more whiskey. Something she said just dawned on him. “Wait, I have my own bathroom?”

“You didn't explore your room?” She asked.

Sy led Mike back to his room and opened the door near the foot of the bed. “I thought it was a closet,” Mike said as he stepped inside. It wasn't huge but it was still bigger than the one at home.

“Closet is to the left kid,” Sy pointed. “You towels and washcloths are here as well as extra toilet paper,” he pointed to the things in the linen closet. “Over here,” he opened the medicine cabinet over the sink, “There is a new toothbrush if you need it as well as toothpaste. Mouthwash is here and I wasn't sure about shaving supplies but we can pick up what you need when we head into town if you want. I put the shower gel and shampoo I use in this shower for you but we can get the type you like in town too.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“We left you to explore your room but you didn't seem to get very far?” Sy explained.

“No,” Mike shook his head. “Why are you being so nice to me? In juvi or foster places I'm just given the basic lice scrub down a bed and enough food to survive. Here I'm being treated like a..” he was searching for the word.

“Kid? A human and not a prisoner?”

“Yea,” Mike said softly.

“When Debbie met you she saw something in you. We asked about your case and your priors and she said we needed to help you.”

“You agree or do you just always do what she tells you too?”

Sy crossed his arms over his chest. “I'll be honest, the jury is still out for me. It’s a fifty-fifty chance for me. I think there's a chance you're a punk who has his old man's disdain for the law and feels untouchable because of it or you're just a kid who was dealt a shit life with a shit father trying to survive the best way you can. I'm willing to get to know you to find out which one you are. I'll give you my trust and respect until you give me a reason not to. You keep acting like you are now, you keep getting treated Ike this. You fuck up you get to meet Captain Syverson and we start doing this military style. You prove to me that you don't want to be here or you hurt her in any way. I'll personally deliver you back to a jail cell and let the system take over.”

Mike took a moment to process what Sy said. Part of it pissed him off. How could anyone think he was like his father? He despised that man and was ashamed that people even knew they were related but Sy really didn't know him and had no way of knowing that. It was fair for Sy to want him to prove who he was, he couldn't fault him for that. “Fair enough,” he looked Sy in the eye and nodded.

Sy grinned and patted him on the shoulder then headed to his and Debbie's bathroom.

Deb was just finishing up with her shower when she heard the bathroom door open and close. “Everything ok?”

“Yea, just showed him where stuff was and talked a bit. He had questions about why we were being good to him.”

She smiled when she felt his arms wrap around her waist as she finished rinsing her hair. “Hi,” She grinned, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“Hi,” he rumbled as he nipped at her neck.

She turned them so that he was under the spray and started washing him by scrubbing the stiff sugar out of his beard, chuckling as he moaned when she scrubbed with her nails. “Is my bear gonna start purring?”

“I don't purr, I rumble,” he insisted though his voice sounded serene.

“Mmmmhumm,” She nodded and continued to wash his body dropping to her knees to scrub his thick thighs. When she looked up at him his blue eyes were full of pure lust. His big hand cupped the back of her head as she leaned forward and pressed soft kisses along his hard shaft. Using her hand to stroke him she carefully worked his balls in her mouth knowing how much it drove him wild.

“Fuck,” he rasped as he fisted her hair. “Keep that up and this will be over quick sugar.

She worked him with her hand as she slipped away from his balls letting them leave her mouth with a soft pop then lucked a stripe all the way up his cock. She pulled the foreskin back and licked and sucked the head then sucked him as deep into her throat as she could bobbing her head as she licked and sucked until his thighs were trembling, his moans were a litany of curses and his balls were tightening. With a wicked gleam in her eyes she soaped up her hand and reached up to cup his balls but instead rubbed across his puckered hole and slipped her finger in deep. He squeaked and clinched around her finger but before he could say anything she was pressing on his prostate causing an electrical storm of pleasure to roll through his entire body.

“Fuck Debbie, fuck, fuck, fuck!” He whined as his entire body trembled. He was caught between her hot mouth on his cock and that wicked finger touching his prostate and it was a vortex of pleasure. His entire body tinged and rolled as the orgasm ripped through him and he blew his load in her mouth pumping wave after wave of cum as she worked him through it only stopping when his moans turned to soft whines from over stimulation.

Debbie smiled as she held him to her chest rocking him as they sat on the bench seat gently rubbing his face as he came down from his Endorphin high after washing her hand. “Hi there,” She smiled as he looked up at her with glazed eyes.

“Hi,” he leaned in to kiss her and his hand slipped between her legs.

She gently moved his hand and kissed his pouty lips. “I want you so bad darlin but we have a kid waiting on us. Tonight? Please?”

He pressed another kiss to her lips and nodded. “I don't like this part. I want to be able to fuck you when and where ever I want to,” he growled.

She shivered as she leaned against him. At least he still wanted her. Maybe things weren't as bad as she'd thought.

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#henry cavill #henry cavill fanfiction #syverson fluff #syverson x you #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill smut #captain syverson fanfiction #henry cavill characters #syverson

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hotasfahrenheit · 1 month

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OH YEAH HERE'S MORE THOUGHTS ABOUT 1000 YEARS OLD TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS BUT IN A NEW DIRECTION YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT EXPECTING

i could be making gifs to hurt your feelings right now but instead courtesy of me and @poetry-protest-pornography rotating our blorbos in conversation for the past hour or however long it's been i don't even know anymore:

in the final scene of the finale, Somchai comments on the fact that everyone is dead now.

what if the others, Kamsai, Shin, Jam- what if they're all tied into the loops and reincarnations and Yoh and Pun too?

what if they've been reincarnating at Yoh's side- depending on whose spirit is available when because of Yoh's shorter life spans caused by Somchai and Janja killing him repeatedly- so that he's not alone as he has spiraled around Pun for hundreds of years?

what if this life wasn't just the right circumstances for Janja to finally let go of Pun so that he could have a full life with Yoh, but everyone's reincarnations lining up so that they could ALL have a full life together?

i am a firm believer that soulmates aren't limited to the person or people you are in love with, but that friends and family can be tied together too, and thinking about ALL of them spiraling around this love story and repeated tragedy until this time it was right for all of them

like what if Yoh's dad could instantly see that they were in love because he's seen them in love in lifetime after lifetime after lifetime--

#everyone do the reincarnation tango i guess idk #pun and yoh being in love makes sense to everyone because they've seen it all before and they all just know that it's right #i was going to do so many things tonight and all i've done is think and talk and post about this show #it went from “oh this show is fun and cute and i love it and posting about the umbrellas every week” to FULL ON BRAIN ROT #umbrella posting #umbrella propaganda #1000 years old #1000 years old the series #1000 years old finale

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apollosgiftofprophecy · 4 months

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Warning: Rant ahead. Do not read if you wanna avoid me venting about the wider RRverse fandom & their attitude toward the TOA fans.

Seriously. This is a vent post. Stay away if you don't wanna risk getting upset. I just need a place to get it off my chest. It's been stewing in my head for long enough and I usually feel better if I write it down/type it down somewhere. Makes my chest feel less tight.

Stay safe <3

"No one is treating you guys like outcasts!"

"With your annoying POV-"

"Everyone was so OOC-"

"Meg is such a Mary Sue-"

SHUT UP

THIS IS WHY I STICK TO THE TOA FANDOM.

THIS IS WHY I BARELY INTERACT WITH THE LARGER PJO FANDOM.

THIS IS WHY I GET ANXIOUS ABOUT SAYING I LIKE TOA ON A DIFFERENT PLATFORM THAN TUMBLR.

BECAUSE. OF. THIS.

Recently, I have left a comment on a Youtube video. All in all, it was basically just me listing off reasons why I liked TOA and - in hindsight - naively going "idk why people don't like it".

Top Ten things said before disaster.

The next day, I got two comments.

One was along the lines of-

"Don't care."

The other was-

"Jasper broke up and Jason died - it's not canon to me!"

...

Excuse me for having an opinion, I guess.

What sucks even more is that when a fellow TOA commented to me, the second guy ALSO responded to them with "yeah but PJO and HOO are still better maybe even MCGAA to"

Like what the fuck. who does this. who has the time????

people who don't have a life, i guess.

And then. and then this same person just Keeps Going when I replied. They said "TOA's an AU" and "It relies too heavily on cameos" and then turns around and says "this would have been better if *proceeds to give a list of cameos* were with Apollo instead of Meg"

like. URGHHHHH.

They. Complain. About. Every. Single. Thing.

Even Tristan McLean going broke. And wishing "something" had been done to "fix" it.

Like fixing something of that caliber would be easy. One of TOA's things is that it deals with Reality - and I get it, some people may not like that, especially for a fantasy series - but come on. You can't expect everything to be fine and dandy 24/7 about a series of GREEK MYTHOLOGY, THE CREATOR OF TRAGEDY.

Then they went on to say they hoped that if the show gets to HOO, they "fix" its ending so TOA doesn't happen.

...BRO HOO ONLY EXISTS FOR TOA TO SHINE. RICK'S FAVORITE CHARACTER TO WRITE IS APOLLO AND THAT'S A PILL YOU NEED TO SWALLOW.

they also went on to say that TOA is "example of a story that overstayed its welcome" and i'm just. GAHHHHHHHH *screams into pillows*

"we got new characters in PJO & HOO-"

Me: *can literally name off 27 new characters from TOA from the top of my head*

Them: You need to respect other people's opinions-!

Me: SAYS THE GUY WHO INVADED MY COMMENT??? WHO LITERALLY CALLED ME ANNOYING??? WHO'S COMPLAINING ABOUT A CHILDREN'S SERIES??? AND REFUSED TO AGREE TO DISAGREE WHEN I GAVE YOU THE OPTION???

Them: There's a reason why people don't like TOA. Can you guess? Because we didn't read the book? Nope i read all 5 and the reason is it's not as good as the others-

Me: bro that's not even a solid REASON-

The condensation on that last one really pissed me off.

What was especially baffling, however, was...

Them: I am pretty sure you have hidden opinions that make you like ToA, like maybe you are LGBTQ or LGBTQ Supporter-

WHAT. DOES. MY. SEXUALITY. HAVE. TO. DO. WITH. THIS.

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

and as a matter of fact, what are they even implying here??? it just sounds like they're saying I must only like TOA because of the queer rep and I can tell you that reason is bullshit.

(I love the queer rep dw it's just not the #1 reason why i love TOA)

also here's a full list of the characters they said were 'OOC': Piper, Frank, Leo, Calypso, Hazel, & Reyna.

A few of these, I understand the confusion (but also disagree with) - but FRANK? FRANK ZHANG WAS OOC?

AT THIS POINT THEY'RE JUST LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.

(In another person's comment about loving TOA they also went "well there's no Percabeth in it-" OH MY GODS JUST STOP ALREADY.)

It was especially infuriating when I pointed out the hate the TOA fans in the comments experience, they replied with "Nobody's treating you like outcasts!"

TELL THAT TO EVERY TOA FAN WHO'S GOTTEN HATE!

TELL THAT TO ME WHO JUST GOT HATE FOR IT.

just. AJHGSFGH. people. some people.

I want to block them. But youtube has removed that feature (thanks a lot youtube).

I'll stick it out. I am point-blank telling them to drop it. We'll see how that goes.

just...people. Guess you still can't have an opinion, huh?

Jokes on them they merely fueled my stubborn fire. I only love TOA more now. The harder they argue, the tighter I cling.

Anyway. If you've stuck it out this far, thanks for listening. I just really needed to vent. It's been bugging me for a few days and ruining my mood every time I open up youtube.

No response is needed, btw - again, needed a place to vent.

ToA fans, you're the best <3 Love ya <3

#not tagging any fandoms #don't wanna invite drama #it's just a book series i know...#but it's hard to even talk about what you like when people jump down your throat about it #like. can't i have an opinion? am i not allowed one?#according to the wider fandom i guess not #this is why i stick to the toa one #good vibes. good conversations. disagreements drop pretty quick because we value each other's opinions.#yeah. toa ily <3 #vent post #tw vent

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seventh-fantasy · 6 months

Text

I already adore fdb/princess zhaoling since the first watch but I've only gotten around to thinking about them a lot more lately. for reasons.

they have unmatched compatibility because they're essentially very similar people, you know, in a world surrounded by everyone else more experienced and different from them. two sheltered and privileged, initially naive kids who yearn / enjoy freedom and dares to seek out for it. (though zhaoling pursues after that lifestyle less actively than fdb.) and they are both very loved and protected by the adult figures they met outside of the mainstream system they were born into. as a sign of defiance, zhaoling submits the chicken feet, which fdb chose over any other conventional option -- was their moment of connection to each other, even unbeknownst to themselves.

it struck me that in their first interactions with each other, zhaoling as qing'er was seen frequently serving fdb - practically emulating traditional husband and wife roles. in the same patriarchal microcosm of girls mansion, fdb played the husbandly role with a duty to protect his wife - in fact he was the only person who had the power to do so while she wasn't allowed to fend for herself. this power dynamics switches over completely when zhaoling was revealed to be the princess, fdb becomes totally reserved around her and puts himself beneath her while she, the only person with the power to save everyone else.

however, in between those two points in their relationship, zhaoling was able to reveal her true personality while he acted comfortably with her. in their private moments at girls mansion, she commanded fdb around - he heeds obediently but still felt comfortable enough to voice his opinions to zhaoling. she was possibly the only person who could match up to fdb's 本少爷 young master attitude, while also being the one who can fully admire his qualities without any other considerations. they were able to play off each other freely - and this is most likely how the both of them would have interacted with each other as individuals without any inhibitions of the social roles/identities they were tied to. at their most comfortable with each other.

(the twist in) their ending in the show is hopeful but their fate is as unknown as the ending of anybody else in this show. just as what fdb said to princess, "who is to know now what will happen in the future?"

I love that zhaoling respected his will and that we were given an open reading. but at the same time, any thought of their possible fate beyond this point can't help but be coloured in tragic tones more than not:

over the course of the story after the girl's mansion arc, their dynamics gradually levels again, but I am not sure if it ever managed to revert to the aforementioned ideal state of their private moments together in girl's mansion.

the wait is indefinite. what would be "enough" for fdb? can you really get enough of jianghu? how long is it going to be?

if they wanted to be with each other at all, there is still sort of an expectation that he was to come back to her (not her to him) - the problem not being her as a person, but that being with her came with being married to the imperial court. to marry the princess means they do not simply become husband and wife, but will also become ruler-subject. and the latter would be the greatest tragedy to happen to their relationship as two equals who are able to connect to each other in their understanding of the world.

their true fate together largely depends on who fdb would become after llh is gone. if their ending pointed to something hopeful but uncertain after their last scene together, now in llh's absence, it's even more of a mystery. regardless, what stands between them is jianghu and time - and what is the jianghu fdb is going after now? after fdb went through the redefinition of jianghu once (losing lxy - between finding out llh was lxy, and cutting ties from bcy for the sake of llh) and then once again (losing llh in the ending)?

there is simply no way of knowing for sure for the audience. in the same way, there will no known answer to what happens to fdb and zhaoling. anything is possible. here's another take:

given the person fdb is, it is hard to imagine fdb making empty promises to zhaoling if he felt nothing for her - or despite knowing it will entail with him entering the imperial court aka the last thing he wanted in the world.

I'm inclined to think, even if he fulfills his promise to princess, it will be because fdb has broken the cycle of grief and learnt to deal with it. rather than as a reluctant compromise.

he was supposed to be most like his shifu lxy/llh, according to lxy/llh himself. llh has lived that life of becoming liberated in his own terms. if fdb had truly inherited the life lessons llh was imparting to him (not the martial abilities and techniques), then fdb would be capable of going on to liberate himself and become the person most like his shifu. and he will be a contrast to dfs being the one trapped in grief. (thus also making dfs's place in fdb's potential post-canon life so significant and compelling.) he symbolises the future, the hope of the new generation who has been guided and nurtured by the love of his predecessors.

of course notwithstanding that there is a more sinister reality to the imperial court realm, I would still like to explore a more positive possibility. even though agreeing to the imperial engagement appears to be a submission to the system he was initially intent on rebelling against, I would like to think that growth in fdb would look like acceptance and making life in his own terms within the given parameters - like what llh had made for himself in the first year of becoming llh. it's no longer about taking extreme measures (constantly running away) but an act of balancing and harmonisation. (-> my hypothesis that if lxy is yin, dfs is yang then fdb would be yin-yang)

marrying zhaoling would be for who she is rather than the system she stood for. or if there could be another way, like her leaving to be with him - I'm not sure. but what I know is. in a post-llh world, the people he loves (eg. zhaoling, papa and mama fang) live in the realm of secular, mainstream society (while also not quite - but they're definitely not part of wulin jianghu either). after all, jianghu will cease to be jianghu if the people he loves are no longer in it.

#莲花楼 #mysterious lotus casebook #lhlmeta #lhl #my posts #this is my crazed 'this is how fdb/zhaoling can work' ted talk #for the ppl who get what i'm talking about ok <3 #just in case you're wondering if nothing makes sense. yes i may not even know what i'm saying but. just know it makes sense #also anything i discuss of post-canon will be inherently embedded with a difang agenda. even when i'm not diving into it #bc thats how it is babyy <3 #公主病 #(rent-lowering gunshots)

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olivermorningstar · 6 months

Text

“Night, night after day black flowers blossom.”

If day time was for working, then night time was for lovers like Oliver and Sariel.

As the day began to wind to a close, the only thing that Oliver could think about was when he could see Sariel again. The towel in his hand brushed over the countertop, removing any traces of chemicals left behind from the day’s work. It wasn’t anything particularly difficult - mash some plants, see what you could separate from them, identify the compounds and what they could be used for. However, it was work that wore him out and left him rather lonesome when it was all said and done.

With a sigh, he walked back over to the washbin and lifted it up, carrying it outside to dispose of it all properly. Tomorrow it would be filled back up and the process would start again, but the purples and blues of the evening night sky told him it was time to head for his lover’s office.

The walk passed by quickly, and before Oliver knew it, he reached up to knock on Sariels’ door. “Come in.” He heard Sariel say on the other side. He had a good idea who would be entering at this time, but he could never be too sure. Yet, as the door opened and he saw Oliver step into view, he should feel his shoulders relax.

He lifted his head from his paperwork and laid his black quill down as he looked to the window behind him with a sigh. “Is it really that time already?” He asked. Sariel turned back to his paperwork and gathered it up. Once it was neat and organized, he slipped them into his desk drawer. There was no arguing with Oliver. When he arrived to collect Sariel, the day was done.

“I’m afraid so.” Oliver said. “Have you seen the gardens as of late?” He asked.

“No. Why?” Sariel asked. Oliver smiled at him.

“You’re going to like this - I had something special planted out there.” He moved to head back for the door. Sariel wasn’t far behind.

“Nothing dangerous, correct?” He asked as he raised an eyebrow.

“Please, I’m not having any poison grown on site if that is what you’re worried about. That’s asking for a tragedy around these parts.” Oliver scoffed. “It’s something nice. Have some faith, dearest.”

As they exited the palace halls, they found themselves in the gardens. The lanterns on the side had been recently lit by the serving staff, providing them a safe path to travel as the last of the light faded from the sky. It was partway down this path that Oliver stopped and turned. “Here they are,” he said, “ah, it looks like they were just starting to bloom as well.”

Sariel followed his gaze down and saw a bundle of flowers low to the ground that were just starting to sprout. “Oh, I see.” Even from where he was standing, he could see the dark buds that were starting to open. While he never claimed to be an expert when it came to plants, he could recognize hollyhocks.

Oliver had to snort at his response. “Is that all?” She asked.

“Well, I am curious. Why these ones? You had them planted for me?” He asked. Oliver nodded before he paused to consider his words.

“This particular kind is called Watchmen.” He began to explain. “The color, of course, matches you very well, but they also have ties with magic, but they also symbolize cycles, rebirth, new beginnings. I was thinking back to what you told me - about how you got here. This garden is primarily for the roses and some other flowers for the people who lived here, but you’re a major part of this place, Sariel. I wanted to make sure you had a spot here too so you could see it.”

Sariel paused. He didn’t exactly consider himself an outsider to the palace, but to say he was fully accepted would be a bit of a stretch as well. He had a role to fill. He was the Palace Devil, chained and bound to this place to make sure it prospered. It was his home as the people he cared about lived here, but this was not something he expected to get back. To take on a lover, one who decided to try and find a way to integrate him, well… That was something special wasn’t it? He took a deep breath to keep himself in check. “This is very kind of you, Oliver. This wasn’t something you had to do.”

“No, but I wanted to.” Oliver quickly said. “You looked out for me, you defended me, you made sure I was alright. I wanted to return that care, I want you to know I’m serious about us, Sariel.”

He smiled as he shook his head, his eyes back on the flowers. “I accept your gift then.” He then held a gloved hand out to Oliver. “Shall we head back inside then?” He offered. “Let’s.” Oliver placed his hand in Sariel’s and together they headed for the door back inside the palace.

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bellevillenaty · 1 year

Text

An explanation to the main loop in ORV

- Beware of spoilers of the novel's epilogue -

I come to explain in the simplest possible way the loop that happens in ORV for those who want a more concise and less "philosophical" answer of the whole thing. But I must say that ORV, in general, is drawn to the philosophical side of human existence and that mainly revolves around its protagonists, because this is the story of Kim Dokja and a few other people, so don't expect a precise reason why things are the way they are.

With that out of the way, I'll explain mainly the three "main existences" in ORV which are: Secretive Plotter, tls123 and the Most Oldest Dream (not in this particular order) and how they are connected

[[….Oh, you sad, pitiful child.]]

[[Oh, hear ye, my dear god. I have endured a truly lengthy period of time just to meet you, but….]]

[[You are this universe’s most powerless existence, aren’t you.]]

...

[[….Is that why you needed us? This is a very cruel request for help, indeed.]]

...

[[You couldn’t even control your own imagination, is that it?]]

Chapter 515.

Some might consider that the Universe, or at least the entire tragedy of TWS, begins with the existence of the Most Oldest Dream because of this single sentence uttered by the 999th Uriel.

A child who had suffered years of abuse, neglect, and terrible trauma made a fictional story come true. That child dreamed to escape his own reality and forced himself into fiction to do so. By repeatedly saying "I am Yoo Jonghyuk," Kim Dokja gradually brought that man's story to life. But how did this child gain such power? How could this little child be the "Creator"?

...However, This story already existed and Kim Dokja just read it somewhere. So, if not the dreamer, who is the true creator of this universe?

At this point, many people who read ORV, just like the 999th gang and Secretive Plotter, are confused by the loop created by Han Sooyoung from 1863th turn, also known as the tls123.

The perpetuation of cause and effect "begins" in the 1863th turn, but also doesn't.

“Is this the price of the Outer World Covenant that you received? In exchange for killing Yoo Jonghyuk, you will get the power to make your own world?”

Kim Dokja to the 1863th Han Sooyoung - Chapter 295.

To recap, Han Sooyoung makes an Outer World Covenant with Secretive Plotter on the third turn and, like Kim Dokja, is taken to the 1863rd to kill Yoo Joonghyuk. However, unlike Kim Dokja, only one of Han Sooyoung's avatars is sent there, with the other one continuing to exist on the third turn.

Han Sooyoung's idea of "killing" Yoo Joonghyuk of that turn was to put him in deep slumber for eternity and thus create a new story out of the original story (out of Three Ways to Survive in a Ruined World) without him.

This implies that not only will she be able to push the boundaries of the original story that the protagonist himself failed to pass and go beyond the Final Wall, but she will also gain the power to create a brand new world. Perhaps when making the Outer World Covenant, Secretive Plotter had no idea of the details as contracts made within that Universe can have multiple interpretations and can be easily manipulated, even unintentionally.

Her ability also includes writing the Three Ways to Survive that Kim Dokja read and, with that, the combination of her power and Kim Dokja's dream allowed them to turn fiction into reality.

But, again, how did tls123 experience a story that was supossibly created just after her own existence? Yoo Joonghyuk's life already existed for Han Sooyoung to write about it, so she cannot be the creator.

Plus, if it weren't for her meeting Kim Dokja in the 1863th turn and the desire to see him survive, Han Sooyoung wouldn't have written TWS in the first place and would simply have continued her story beyond the 1863th turn.

“Something felt off to me about this world.”

It was my first time hearing such a shrewd tone of voice coming from him.

“One day, I suddenly came into existence in this world.”

0th Yoo Joonghyuk to Demon King of Salvation - Chapter 525

A conveniently-crafted life, a series of adversities created solely to become a tragedy later. This quote about Yoo Joonghyuk could explain his whole character, at least in the reader's mind.

After all, what is the reason for the existence of this character. Who is Yoo Joonghyuk? This question was on Yoo Joonghyuk's mind from the 0th turn all the way to the Secretive Plotter.

His life happened out of nowhere, and also, out of nowhere, thrown into the tragedies of a novel. On his first time in the scenarios, an unknown being helped him immensely using it’s strange knowledge about everything.

And after that, Yoo Joonghyuk felt that his life had been completely taken care of by someone else. As a final request, he wished to learn the truth about this world and himself.

But he was also curious about the existence of the being who had assisted him, and as a result, Yoo Joonghyuk regressed.

My interpretation

⸢The night sky was reflected in Yu Jung-Hyeok’s eyes.⸥

As if he was a child wondering about his origins, Yu Jung-Hyeok estimated where in the sky the [Wall] might be and extended his hand towards it.

He’d become the ‘Secretive Plotter’ someday, and…

….And at the same time, also become the 1864th turn’s Yu Jung-Hyeok that I knew.

Chapter 525.

For me there is a loop within a loop. Yes, Yoo Hoonghyuk would become Secretive Plotter and he would also become 1864th turn's Yu Jung-Hyeok, but not the ones we know.

Because, at the end of the day, they're both people from different universes. The Secretive Plotter is no longer a character within a novel for thousands of years, the fact that he has the power to travel to other turns and, above all, change many things from these turns (Outer World Covenant with 999th Yoo joonghyuk, and other Outer World Covenant with Han Soyooung and Kim Dokja) already shows that Yoo joonghyuk's will is what changes everything.

Yoo joonghyuk is the most powerful being.

He makes the decision to become a Regressor. Because he is a person who came from nothing and became everything.

He becomes a protagonist in an author's story, and he becomes a protagonist in a reader's story. Is there anyone more powerful than a protagonist?

Is there anyone more powerful than a protagonist who regress?

Yoo Joonghyuk is a real person, who became a legend, and finally became a protagonist. The loop occurred first with Yoo Joonghyuk himself and then spreading to those around him.

There is a dialogue between the Secretive Plotter and Yoo Joonghyuk from 14864th in which the Secretive Plotter says the following thing:

[…]

[[Did you know? There was this young boy in the front-most subway car that always died during every regression turn.]]

That question came out of nowhere. Yu Jung-Hyeok naturally recalled the events of the subway train. The very first scenario, the very first encounter with Hell that he had to experience every single time.

However, Yu Jung-Hyeok didn’t know anything about such a boy. Because, there were simply too many people who died in that manner back then.

[[While regressing several times, I tried to prevent his death, but it was impossible.]]

“…..”

[[He was really a young boy. Younger even than Yi Gil-Yeong. However, even such a child had to ‘prove his credentials’. For all of the 1863 lives, that child couldn’t even put up a proper fight and had to die. He died, and died, and died over and over again.]]

Chapter 458.

There's a theory that this boy was the Most Oldest Dream, however why would the supposed "God" of this world be dead in every regression that the Secretive Plotter faces on, and more importantly, why didn't our own Yoo Joonghyuk know about him?

There is a chance that such a boy will only appear because that is how the 1863th Yoo Joonghyuk wants it. Because the Secretive Plotter wanted it.

Secretive Plotter's greatest desire was to find the ‘creator’ of his tragic life and kill him.

It is strange, yes. But it is worth mentioning that our own Yoo Joonghyuk is someone who is in a new story created by himself and therefore he does not know this boy.

Remember? Our Yoo Joonghyuk is someone who has fled the novel story and is no longer a protagonist. The 1864’s turn Yoo Joonghyuk is no longer a character.

He escaped the barriers of TWS wanting to live that life shown by Kim Dokja. Living that turn that seemed perfect and so he did. From his own free will, he regresses and is now living that life.

As Yoo Joonghyuk had wished, he unwittingly erased his memory of all of his past lives and started a brand new story. And we all know that the Regressor Yoo Joonghyuk's life begins with the third round, but now, with Kim Dokja by his side, just as he wanted.

Unlike the Secretive Plotter that always wanted to find and kill The Most Oldest Dream, our Yoo Joonghyuk's wish was to find someone in particularly and fight alongside him. (Thus, the 0th turn Yoo Joonghyuk who Dokja thinks is the one he knew and our own Yoo Joonghyuk from 1864th turn. Both choose to regress for this reason).

The timeline will only move according to Yoo Joonghyuk's will (mostly), which is why the loop thing is so confusing when it comes to the other two.

Without Yoo Joonghyuk, neither Kim Dokja nor the Three Ways to Survive story would be possible.

As one of Kim Dokja's very first statments about Yoo Joonghyuk is:

"The first way to survive this ruined world is this man."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I lost my hand here and I still have A LOT to say about, and I haven't even mentioned the Dokkaebi King or the Winny King yet and what they meant to this whole thing.

Did you guys have any opinions on this take? That’s my interpretation and maybe in the future I update this on a re-read or when I come with new ideias.

Because in the ORV story itself it is said that if you read it again, a new perspective is created.

(I also post this on Reddit)

#orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #yoo junghyuk #kim dokja #orv kim dokja #han sooyoung #secretive plotter #tls123 #most ancient dream #most oldest dream #Yoo Joonghyuk #orv theory

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icey--stars · 10 months

Text

Born For Tragedy: Part 16

Series Index

She was tragedy. Nothing except death, fear and pain followed in her wake. When she was young, she was beaten. Now she’s the one doing the beating as an assassin. A mysterious stranger comes to her, paying an absurd amount of money for her to kill Beron Vanserra, and protect the eldest son until the job is done. She stumbles across a story much similar to her own, and knows what must be done.

a/n: is this mostly filler? yes. is it fucking hilarious and adorable at the same time? also yes. did i take away your actual smut? yes, yes i did. and saved it for later >:)

WARNING: discussions of nsfw things.

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

When they pulled apart from the kiss, Valda felt dizzy with the feeling of the golden thread in her chest, the burning from her frostbite and the overwhelming emotions that refused to be pushed back.

“Come home with me,” Eris whispered, still holding her close.

“Okay,” she whispered, burying her face into the side of his neck.

“You’re cold,” Eris observed after a moment.

“I was just kept in a little ice prison,” Valda chuckled, pulling back slightly to meet her mate’s eyes. “And I suppose a little ice magic hit me.”

Eris’s eyes went molten with rage and Valda held back the urge to slap him. “I’m fine,” she told him sternly. “Let’s get out of this frigid place.”

“Agreed,” Eris hummed. She felt a whirr of heat come around them briefly before it settled and they were standing in… the High Lord’s chambers. It looked so much different than when she’d come to “clean” it. The bed was new, the curtains were different, even the damned wall seemed to be another shade of orange. All traces of Beron were eradicated.

Eris kept his arm across Valda’s lower back, and scratched at his neck a bit as he looked at her. She felt a little nervousness coming from the bond. Of all things, she didn’t expect Eris Vanserra to be nervous right now.

Valda grinned. “Are you nervous, Eris?”

Eris scoffed, smirking. “Are you?” He countered.

Valda hummed, leaning into Eris slightly. “A little. The last time I was in a relationship, it kinda ended up with a lot of people dying.”

Eris hummed. “Tell me about him. Was there anything you liked that he did?”

“Her,” Valda corrected. “I like both males and females.”

Eris smiled a little. “Tell me about her then. Come sit on the bed while we warm up.”

Valda followed Eris as he led her over to the bed gently. She undid her boots, leaving behind the daggers within them as well. As she laid down, Eris joined her on the other side, wrapping an arm over her shoulders.

“Are you sure you want to know?” Valda asked. “I thought you would be more… territorial.”

Her mate looked over at her, a soft look in his eyes. “I want to know how to love you, Valda. I want to know what makes you love someone. I want to court you properly without some huge looming thing over us. Fear, an assassination… whatever it is.”

Valda felt her heart swell at those words. This was Eris without his barriers. This was the Eris that nobody saw, or a very select few. This was the Eris she saw when she was revealed to be the Shadow. This was the Eris who had been scarred and beaten and still was here asking how to love her.

This was also her without her barriers. The last time she’d let down any part of herself must’ve been… well, obviously, with Eris after the ball, and then before that, probably Friar.

“Tell me,” Eris urged. “Unless you want to do something different.” There was a little suggestive edge to his voice.

Valda scoffed, slapping him lightly on his arm. “Horny High Lord.”

“I am not-”

“Yes you are,” Valda snickered. “You keep glancing down at my chest. And before that. Didn’t you try and kiss me on Calanmai? I know magic doesn’t create desire, Eris. It does, however, amplify it.”

Eris growled under his breath. “You’ve boxed me in now. Am I supposed to deny the fact you are the most attractive female I’ve ever met?”

Valda rolled her eyes. “Well that’s a lie.”

“No, it isn’t,” Eris protested, turning and using his arm that wasn’t wrapped around her already to grab her chin gently and force Valda to meet his eyes. “You are stunning. You are irresistible. You remember what I said before the ball?”

After a shake of her head, he continued. “You’re so goddamn strong. In every way. You’ve learned to be strong on your own and while it might’ve hurt you in some ways, I find that so utterly beautiful. I trust you with everything within me.”

Valda pursed her lips, glancing away from Eris’s bright, amber eyes shining with the flame that lived within him. She closed her eyes, huffing a breath. “You know, you are the first person to ever tell me that particular fact,” Valda admitted. “Friar liked my muscles, of course, but even she didn’t appreciate that side of me and my life. She always wanted me to quit.”

Eris huffed. “Well, I can’t exactly let you keep being an assassin. I’d be breaking a dozen laws doing that, but I’ll let you do something else to use that skill you have. That strength.”

Valda smiled, leaning forward and pressing their lips together again briefly.

Eris smiled, not deepening the kiss at all. Valda smiled at that. It seemed like he was waiting for her to tell him to do it, and she appreciated that greatly.

“So, tell me about this Friar character. I already dislike her for never telling you she liked your strength, but I suppose she can make up for her lack of sense.”

Valda laughed, leaning back against the pillows as she recalled a few memories of her last lover. “Friar was a more petite and delicate female than me. She owned a bakery in the Winter Court, where she and I fell in love. I pursued her mostly for her beauty, but soon found her quick wit to my liking.”

Eris smirked. “Oh, you like my wit?”

Valda scoffed, grinning as she playfully slapped his chest. “Don’t interrupt to flirt, High Lord. It’s bad form.”

Eris grinned easily and motioned for her to continue.

“Friar and I hooked up a few times before we finally established a relationship. I still lived on my own, for obvious reasons, and made sure to keep her safe. Eventually, after a year though, she asked why I still lived across the town and not in the apartment with her.”

“Was this after you killed your little assassin leaders?” Eris asked.

Valda nodded. “About 3 years after, actually. I was making sure that the assassin's guild would never be reborn. So, she asked me to live with her, basically. I couldn’t conjure a reason quick enough to deny her, despite her knowing a little about my profession. To say the least, she dragged me back to her apartment and told me I’m living with her now. And well, how could I deny such a pretty female?”

“She did something, didn’t she?” Eris cut in again, grinning maniacally. “What’d she do? I bet it was sexual.”

Valda blushed slightly. “It was,” she replied quietly.

Eris lifted a cocky brow. “Do tell,” he urged with a smirk.

Valda groaned. “I hate you. She took over as the dominant partner for that night. Apparently, when you edge someone long enough, they lose all contact with reality.”

Eris roared with laughter. The sound awoke something in her. Joy. The sound of Eris laughing his ass off was beautiful.

“Oh stop it,” Valda growled. “She went on for hours! I couldn’t even try to get the control back-”

“She tied you up?” Eris gasped, as he breathed heavily from his laughing fit.

Valda’s face soured.

Eris roared with laughter once again, slapping his knee.

“Why is this so funny to you?” Valda asked, not liking being laughed at.

Eris breathed raggedly for a few moments before turning back to Valda to reply. “Well, you’re acting like it’s such a tragedy that she took control.”

Valda huffed, crossing her arms. “It was.”

“Oh, darling, was it really?” Eris teased in a flirting tone.

“Stop it,” Valda growled. “I don’t give up my control that easily. Friar tricked me. I was too dumb to see it because she kept using her tits to distract me.”

Eris couldn’t even try to contain his laughter as he leaned into her, wheezing.

Valda rolled her eyes at her mate’s hysteria. “I bet it’d work on you,” she said. “I bet it’d work on most anyone. A female’s tits right there? Who would ever notice the well placed ropes?”

Eris grinned as he calmed down. “Oh, it’d work on me no doubt.”

“I bet they call it female hypnosis or something,” Valda joked.

“Female hypnosis?!” Eris burst out, looking so utterly joyful at the moment. It was refreshing to see him so free. Around her nonetheless.

Valda got up onto her knees, and turned to face Eris, moving her chest in obvious circles. “Ooo… female hypnosis… ooo. I’m so scary!”

Eris grinned, rolling his eyes as he leaned forward, placing his chin on the area between her breasts. Valda paused, looking down at him. She blinked, licking her lips a little as he smirked.

“The trap works,” Eris murmured, pressing his forehead into her collarbone. “Too well I’m afraid. You’ve caught me.”

Valda rolled her eyes, sitting down on her heels to escape him. “Naughty High Lord,” she chastised.

Eris hummed, pulling back to meet her eyes. “Did I ever tell you that you have the most exquisite blue eyes of all?”

Valda blushed slightly, smiling. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Well you do,” Eris said, scooting forward.

“You’re full of compliments right now, aren’t you?” Valda observed.

Eris grinned. “Well, I am quite happy. I’ve discovered my mate and she’s quite the beauty, nevermind the fact she makes me shake in my boots at times.”

Valda scoffed, but couldn’t help the happy grin that fell over her face. “Do I?” She asked. “Maybe that’s a good thing.”

Eris chuckled. “Oh, is it because you like to dominate your partners in bed, darling?”

Valda blushed at the return of the suggestive talk, groaning. “Gods, stop it with the flirting.”

“I will never stop,” Eris replied, looking proud of himself.

Valda groaned, falling onto the bed to the side and wincing as she landed on a dagger sheathe. “Gods, remind me to take off my weapons,” She groaned, sitting back up to unbuckle the sheathe from her waist, and then undid a couple more for good measure. At least the ones that would be uncomfortable.

Eris chuckled. “How much steel do you actually have on you right now?”

Valda hummed, thinking for a moment. “Quite a lot, actually. I mean, I had my weapon’s bag with me.”

“That’s fair. But really, take it off. You’re safe here,” Eris insisted.

Valda hummed, but sighed. “Alright, fine.”

She began going for more hidden weapons, the ones hidden behind the buckles of her armor and then hummed. “Well, that’s most of them,” Valda said, looking at the pile on the bed. “My boots still have some in them.”

“What do you mean by most of them?” Eris questioned. “How the hell do you have so much on you?”

Valda chuckled. “Practice, dear. Practice.”

Eris scoffed. “Where’s the rest?”

Valda hummed, glancing down at her own chest. “You were about 3 inches from about 3 of them a moment ago.”

Eris followed her gaze and chuckled. “What else did I suspect? Here, how about this: I grab you a sweater and some more sweatpants and you can finally get actually comfortable.”

Valda rolled her eyes. “Deal,” she agreed.

Eris immediately stood from the bed to go rifling through his dresser. At first, he pulled out a red and orange sweater with a maple leaf pattern and then a pair of sweatpants.

“These might not fit as well as the last ones,” Eris explained, walking back over to the bed. “They aren’t some old ones I still had for some reason.”

Valda chuckled. “It’ll be fine. That’s why there’s drawstrings.”

Eris grinned, handing over the clothes. “I’ll be in the bathroom,” he said, walking toward the wall.

Valda lifted a brow. “What?” She asked.

Eris turned. “Well, I’m not going to make you get up when I’m already up, am I?”

She hummed. That did make sense, but she’d still expected Eris to sit back on the bed and wait for her to change in the other room.

“Just tell me when you’re done,” Eris said as he closed the door.

Valda glanced at the sweater before sighing. She unbuckled her leathers and took off the clothes she wore under them until she was just in her undergarments. It was… odd being in a space that smelled so strongly of a male and fully trusting him enough to take off all her weapons in front of him.

She removed the little knives from within her bra and the ones strapped to her inner thigh before placing them with the others and pulling on the sweatpants. They were long, first off. She felt almost drowned in them, but drew them up as high as they’d go on her waist, tightening the drawstrings and mildly inspecting the minor frostbite from earlier. Seeing nothing concerning, she began pulling on the sweater and paused with it halfway on.

The smell. Oh… Eris’s scent. She almost let out a whine from the utter comfort it brought her. It smelled like she’d finally, properly come home. It felt so right being surrounded by his scent.

“You can come back,” Valda called, moving the weapons on the bed to the floor beside her boots.

Eris came back in, grinning at the sight of her. “You look like you’re drowning,” he chuckled.

“I am,” Valda complained. “Your sweatpants are too long.”

Eris glanced at her shoulder and she followed his gaze, seeing nothing. “What?” She asked.

Suddenly, he shimmered for a moment in a brief firelight and then pulled at his own neckline. The smallest bits of a lashing scar revealed itself.

She understood then and sighed. “Okay,” she said quietly, vulnerable. She let the glamor on her fall away and looked back up at Eris.

He grinned and got back on the bed, patting the space beside him. “I know you’re tired,” he said. “So come rest. You can use the pillow, my arm or chest-”

She climbed on the bed, crawling toward him. His eyes fell down lower than her chin and she scoffed, sitting up more immediately. “You just can’t control yourself, huh Eris?”

Eris licked his lips and swallowed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t worry, dear. I’ll teach you control,” she promised and came up beside him to lay on her side. She laid her head onto his chest, wanting to smell more of his scent– the scent of a cold night’s rainstorm mixed with a mix of spices and just a hint of burning. It was perfect.

Eris rested an arm around her. “How exactly will you do that?” He asked incredulously.

Valda chuckled. “You aren’t wrong, Eris, that I like to take control in the bedroom. I love training my lovers, though. You seem like the brattiest brat out there.”

Eris gasped. “How dare you assume such a thing?” He asked in a mock hurt tone. “I am not a brat. If anyone is, it’s you.”

“Mmm…” Valda hummed. “We’ll see.”

Eris chuckled. “Rest, we can talk more later when you’ve gotten some sleep.”

“You’re tired too, aren’t you?” Valda asked, yawning a little as she settled herself against Eris.

“A little,” he admitted. “I was a bit stressed out when you left. And then had to deal with those black-dressed assailants from earlier.”

“Who were they?” Valda asked curiously.

“Soldiers, from my own army,” Eris admitted. “Pissed me off, that one. But they’re getting fairly and properly punished for going against me.”

“Dumbasses,” Valda chuckled. “Don’t go against a new High Lord. They’re more powerful than the last one.”

Eris made a noise in agreement.

For a while after that, there was just silence. But it wasn’t the awkward kind of silence. It was the silence of companions that were relaxing at last. It was the silence that made someone sleepy with content.

“Hey Eris?” Valda asked suddenly.

“Hm?”

“When I stay, what am I going to do here? I don’t think your court is going to be very happy with the assassin who killed them being their High Lord’s mate. Makes it look...”

“Ah,” Eris hummed. “That is true, but there are always ways around that. I know there is. As for what you’ll do… you can do whatever you want. If you want some official position, I’d give it to you in a heartbeat. I know how capable you are. You could probably be High La-” He cut off suddenly.

Valda chuckled, snuggling closer. “High Lady?” She guessed. Eris didn’t reply. “I don’t particularly think that’d be a good idea. Maybe eventually, but I didn’t do anything great like Feyre did.”

“I want you as my equal,” Eris admitted.

“Maybe one day, when things have settled over,” Valda said. “But now would make this court fall apart. Which, by the way, the lower class loves you and the upper class is literally wanting your death right now. I think you need to fix a couple things before we try and introduce the assassin that killed their old High Lord into the equation.”

“That’s fair,” Eris admitted. “But you’re not going to work as a servant or my spy. You’re going to live here, with me.”

“I could always go under an alias-”

“No,” Eris said firmly. “I won’t make you go under an alias for any reason. This is your home.”

Valda hummed, taking a deep breath of his scent. “Okay. But I think my name has to remain a secret for a while yet. Until we figure things out with the nobles. Some sort of treat for dealing with all the changes with taxes and such.”

“Maybe some people can know,” Eris thought aloud. “I’m certain my brothers will be able to recognize you. They’re quite intelligent, despite what people think.”

“This is really complicated,” Valda groaned.

“It’ll be alright,” Eris soothed. “People can accept some things that I’d never thought they would. Bear it, as long as there is something benefiting them.”

“I’ll help you any way I can. I can glare at your council until they accept whatever law you’re trying to pass.”

Eris chuckled. “Alright, my mate. Whatever you wish.”

“I like the sound of that,” Valda hummed. “We’ll figure this out.”

“Together,” Eris promised.

↢ 『 ☾ 』 ↣

TAGLIST (see post for getting added)

@bunnymallowo, @officiallyunofficialperson, @margssstuff, @rebloggiest-reblogger, @inpraizeof, @graciereads, @eos-princess, @imma-too-many-fandoms, @mali22, @sassybluebird, @bubybubsters,

#eris x oc #eris vanserra #eris acotar #acotar #acotar fanfiction #acotar fanfic #original character #oc #mywriting

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tellmeayarn · 5 months

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so, I have started actively taking on puzzles about social interaction, basically like New Years resolutions for autistic weirdos. These are the sort of questions that, when I ask someone, they answer the wrong question. The project actually has given me a lot of insight into why I feel like I need to be so precise with my language LOL

Anyway, I don't ever expect these to wrap up tidily in a year, but I do like to think about them in January and consider new ones to add.

Reporting back on 2023

My question: Why do people like to refer to each other by name, when it isn't necessary for clarity?

The answer to a different question: People like hearing their names, so you should say them to make people feel seen and respected.

Breakdown: The question that response answers is "Why should I use people's names when speaking to them?" I actually believe the answer. I've seen it hundreds of times and it seems solid for the majority of people. However, my question is digging deeper than a best practice scenario and asking why people feel good when they hear their name. Because I don't feel respected and recognized when someone uses my name. I feel a whole range of ways based on situation. So I need to understand WHY people like it, before I can use it well.

I'm still not settled enough in this question to drop it, but I definitely gained a greater understanding of it. Here are some insights:

My big breakthrough -- I realized that people use names to indicate belonging to a group. The custodian at the museums near my work was greeting everyone by name as we arrived one day, and as an outsider, I instead received a warm "hey, good morning!" This info is EXTREMELY VALUABLE to me, due to an element of the following point.

I have definitely learned that one of the reasons I am so averse to using names like this is because my experience when someone uses the WRONG name for me seems to line up with the typical. It's awful to be misnamed. I have an email chain where people keep calling me Kathy rn, and it just makes the whole process worse. And if my coworkers call me theoretically the right name, Therin, near a patron, that is equally bad. So why risk using the wrong name for someone when you can just warmly say "hi, how are you?" or ask a follow up question from a previous discussion like "how's your cat doing?" Is the supposed benefit great enough to outweigh it?

I've realized that my situational feelings on hearing my name pretty much run the gamut. If I have a crush on someone, it's really really good when they use my name. If someone I just met at work uses my name because they read it on my name tag, I basically want to murder them. These extreme highs and lows here really highlight the risk level and why I am so insistent on getting the data I need.

However, tying #1 and #2 together, I think it's very possible I could improve my relationships with some coworkers by greeting them using their names. I definitely know their names, so it's low risk, and they may appreciate it?

Puzzle for 2024

My question: How do you make real friends as an adult?

The answer to a different question: Revolves around how to meet new people. Strangely... I actually have absolutely no problem making casual acquaintances and, like, activity-buddies.

I'm talking FRIENDS-friends, like, how do you really get to know someone, platonically, without having a 1:00 AM drunken philosophical discussion in a plastic lawn chair? Like, I'm 35? I have chronic fatigue and a hangover can ruin me for a week? And people need to drive home? So how do you get to the important shit and the weird shit moderately and at a reasonable hour? Do you just... not? Do you have to wait for a tragedy to strike? Do you have to just bite the bullet and take off the mask?

#actually autistic #resolutions #therins big questions

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lycanlovingvampyre · 1 year

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MAG 200 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: sitting in my hammock chair on the balcony

It's still that same Tuesday I started with MAG 195. But it's 6 pm now, so I was toying with the idea of saving this last episode for later. Since it was only one episode and no way to get anything done in just 25 minutes, I decided to listen to it right away. Back then I didn't know TMA was supposed a tragedy because I kept off everything TMA on the internet to avoid spoilers. And I was so used to mainstream fiction which for the most part was not daring enough to really get into mean endings. And I don't speak of just bad endings, I mean really, reaaaally mean ones. The Mist comes to my mind, I thought that was particularly unlucky. And, as I said last episode, I missed that Jon gave Georgie his lighter XD In these few hours since I listened to MAG 197 I didn't really have time to process what all of this meant. I just wanted to see Jon and Martin okay. So I went out on the balcony, got cozy in my hammock and thought to myself "Alright! Time so save the world!"... Oh boy xD

JON: "Jonah Magnus! …" [ARCHIVIST STATIC RISES] JON: "Ceaseless Watcher, you know why I am here. Release him." [STATIC CRESCENDOS AND THEN DIES DOWN AS CHANTING AND BACKGROUND STATIC DRONE CEASE] “Ceaseless Watcher, you know why I am here” is so anticlimactic XD What happened to theater kid Jon? Also yeah, at that point on my first listen I got a bit suspicious. We have only heard Jon until now. No Martin...

JONAH/ELIAS: "What’s – ? Wh-what’s going on? Where – ?" [METAL BLADE IS DRAWN] Hey uhh... Where did they have the knife from? XD I mean, there is so much weight put on that lighter, that they NEED it for the plan because they couldn't get fire elsewhere apparently? But they had a knife... Totally possible that Martin brought it from the cabin though back when he didn't know what to expect from the outside world.

JONAH/ELIAS: "Where’s Martin? I rather thought he’d be the one to do the deed. …" [METALLIC CLINK] JONAH/ELIAS: "Ah, I see. Going it alone, are we? Probably for the best. Empathy only holds you back in the end." Cue Surprised Pikachu Face me XD (Also fuck you, Elias. Even now he still mocks Jon.)

JONAH/ELIAS: "Uh, L-Look, John, a-as fun as all this melodrama is, enough is enough. We both know you that don’t have it in you –" [FOOTSTEPS, FOLLOWED BY SOLID CONNECTION] JON: "That was for Sasha." JONAH/ELIAS: "J-Jon, wait!" [ANOTHER BLOW, ACCOMPANIED BY WHEEZING] JON: "For Tim." JONAH/ELIAS: [Afraid] "P-Please Jon!" [AND AGAIN] JON: For Gertrude, and all the others." [WINDED, LABOURED BREATHING] This however is music to my ears xD Thinking back to MAG 162, Tim speculating that Jon wouldn't avenge them...

JONAH/ELIAS: [Wheezing, pitiful] "P-Please Jon… [coughs] I don’t want to die." JON: "Neither did they." JONAH/ELIAS: [Soft, terrified] "No, no… N–" JON: "But no-one escapes at the end." [WITH EFFORT, THE ARCHIVIST STABS DEEPLY] [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF CHOKING & GURGLING DEATH RATTLE] [BODY SLUMPS HEAVILY] Okay first, my reaction during my first listen: Shocked. Like "no, no, no, no, what is he doing" (still in denial) "Okay, how can we turn this around..." Second, thinking of MAG 82. Never underestimate your opponent. Elias saying that Jon doesn't have to stomach to kill a man in cold blood. And that's exactly what happens here. No Eye-magic, no "Ceaseless Watcher". Just a man killing another man. I do like that this is the last thing Jon does before you could argue he lost his connection to humanity.

JON: [Pained] "– the flaying of skin… burning, retching on the smog of… hide, hide, hide… it is not real but still it comes to… falling through the pitch black daa-aaaaaargh!" Oh man, that moment when it looks like he cannot control it and is just as hollow as Elias was when he was "in charge".

So the first Fear to exist was the Hunt. Was then already the Dark? Cause "because they knew the dark held flashing talons and shining eyes". But with the minds the Dark was mentioned after the End: "The fear of their own end, of the things that lived in the darkness, became a fear of the darkness itself."

"And as they grew to know what it is that they saw, to give it names, and struggle at learning, so too did they learn to fear that their eyes might deceive them, or show them too much. And as they learned to know their friends and kin, so too did they learn to fear the unknown figure, the coming of the stranger" Eye already there at the beginning? Spiral then perhaps? And then the opposite of the Eye, the Stranger. Kind of surprised it was only birthed then. I also see mimicry in the Stranger. Was that still part of the Hunt? What about animals who lived in colonies, getting their leader switched out with a younger stranger who came to conquest the herd.

"and the silence when they were alone." Lonely.

"And when they found fire, that bright ignition of home and hope and progress, the thing that was fear gorged itself on a newfound terror once again." Desolation.

"And as these tiny, strange minds grew and learned, they did something new. They began to take their thoughts, their instincts and their horrors, and they crystallised them. They gave them sound and form and shape to share them." But this is the Eye for sure, right?

"And as they did the thing that was fear felt itself began to tear, to crack and fracture along a thousand unseen fault lines. It bled and warped and multiplied, and could no longer see itself as once it did. It could never be whole again." Hm... why?

"But within these forms were freedoms, new and wonderful dreads to push and explore, new muscles to flex." This already sounds fleshy, but I thought the Flesh only really formed after livestock got out of hand.

"The joy of oozing, crawling pestilence as minds distrusted their own corrupted bodies." Okay, Corruption.

"And as they grew to learn their place within the world, the pathetic meagreness of their own existence, they could not spin a story rich or grand enough to fully hide their own awful insignificance, lost and alone in the terrible greatness of the universe." Vast.

"And by the time these minds had reached a point of intricacy to lie and scheme and puppet one other, they had also learned to conceive of war." Web and Slaughter.

"And so it drew its plan to escape not only this ephemeral cage of non-existence, but even the very reality into which they might break, and it chose its fool: The Great Eye, the most unwise of all the fragments, forever seeking and consuming knowledge that it could not comprehend." Wow, I do not appreciate that XD What a diss...

I missed the Buried somewhere...?

MARTIN: "Oh thank god. Just, just, just stop what you’re about to do, okay? I know that you think that a– … What’s that?" A smoothie?

JON: "I did. I am." MARTIN: "Why?!" JON: "You know why. I can’t let them out. I can’t! Not again." MARTIN: "Oh, what have you done, Jon!" JON: "Go tell the others. It’s over." MARTIN: "N-No… you don’t understand!" JON: "What?" I like to think Jon's the same, but he sounds so free of emotion here. Only getting a bit harsher at "I can't let them out. I can't!". And that "What?", it's still flat but there is also an almost belittling tone to it...

MARTIN: "I didn’t think you’d go through with it! Not without me! I can’t believe you’d do this! That you’d leave me like this! You swore to me! You swore to me, you bastard!" T________T That reaction is so real.

JON: "Martin! I’m still here." MARTIN: "Are you!? How much of you is even left now?" JON: "It’s still me, Martin. I’m still here." MARTIN: "How would you even know?" JON: "… I’m sorry Martin, I am, but it’s done. You can hate me, you can scream at me, but it won’t change anything. I had to do this." What I find the most hurtful in this is Jon's apathy. He seems so content, even though his boyfriend is screaming at him.

JON: "And you promised." MARTIN: [Angry trembling] "Don’t you dare say that. Don’t you dare!" Jon thinks he kept his promise. For him it always meant that there is an option in which no one else would come to harm. For Martin it was literally anything that didn't require Jon to end up like this.

MARTIN: "You’re not listening! You never listen! They are down there fighting those things, and lighting it right now!" JON: "It’s fine, Martin, I’ll call off the servitors. They can’t light it, they don’t have… they don’t…" Okay, maybe... just maybe there after Martin's line there could have been room for a Girl(s) on Fire (see what I did there? xD) scene. But I feel like Jon's line would have had to be changed then for re-entering the Panopticon scene... I can't really see it working though, I think the whole thing in the Panopticon works as it is!

JON: [PATS CLOTHING] "Wait a – Oh… Oh, no." I was like "wait what???" xD

Only after the explosion hits Jon seems to regain a bit of emotions. Did becoming the Pupil of the Eye really strip him of humanity? Was the Eye taking so much space that Jon couldn't really get through with his emotions. With the Panopticon starting to crumble it would make sense that the Eye is losing power and so it also loses its grip on him.

JON: [Struggling] "No! I can feel the pull… The web, the tapes, it wants – No! I won’t let it!" Oh man, that monstrous tone to "No! I won't let it!". Even though we know that's him, especially this part it him and him alone. He’s fighting so hard.

JON: "Martin, get out of here! What’s going to be left of me after this, you can’t see that." That seems more like him. In tone and context.

JON: "Martin, please! I can’t lose you. Not like this…" MARTIN: "Tough! Okay? Where you go, I go!" JON: "That’s the deal…" I'm glad they agree on this.

JON: "Okay." MARTIN: "What?" Oh god, he knows this doesn't sound good...

JON: "Do it! The knife’s just there. Let them go." MARTIN: [Tearful] "I’m not going to kill you!" Aw man, when you think there’s no way this is gonna get any worse...

JON: "Cut the tether. Send them away." You coooould, technically, take this literally and Martin did not stab Jon but only cut him free from the Eye! And they go somewhere else and everything will be sunshine and rainbows, right?... Right???

JON: "Maybe we both die. Probably. But maybe not. Maybe, maybe everything works out, and we end up somewhere else." Gonna bring that up again in a bit! But also this and then the ending scene with the girls give us that beautiful ambiguous ending.

MARTIN: "Together?" JON: "One way or another. Together.” Throwback to MAG 154... Don’t know if it was intentional, but it’s beautiful.

MARTIN: "I don’t think I can…" JON: "It has to be you. The Eye won’t let me do it." What was it with Daisy? That it felt right, that the people we love are actually the only ones who can hurt us? It really has to be Martin. (It also works with Jon killing Elias. Elias liked Jon in a way, he was proud of Jon in that sick disgusting way. Jon was the reason he got what he wanted. And it only makes sense that Jon was the only one who could take it from him. So Jon could hurt him.)

MARTIN: [Sobbing] "Are you sure about this?" JON: "No. But I love you." MARTIN: "I love you too." [KISS] At that point on my first listen I was ugly-crying so hard I didn't even hear the kiss xD I read it online a few days later and was super confused like "I didn't hear anything!!", checked the transcripts and went back to listen to that part again - and get my heart crushed again :`) Do we know where that sound effect comes from? Because I remember Alex screaming when Anil suggested he and Jonny actually should make out: “We did it and it didn’t work!” xDDDD

[MARTIN STABS DEEPLY; THERE IS A SINGLE GASP] [PAINED SOB] That is so good... The gasp, Martin crying. Alex really knows how to cry XD I was already impressed by that back in MAG 118. Hm... I thiiink I could do it as well. I start crying very easily. Just channel some shit that happened. Hard part would be stopping to cry then xD Oh, since we have two stabbings in this episode I just wanted to raise some trivia about Christopher Lee correcting Peter Jackson on set of The Lord of The Rings. It was about the sound a person actually makes when they got stabbed in the back. Because Christopher Lee served in WW2 and he heard that sound first hand... And it actually is just a gasp, because the air is driven from your lungs. So very well done here!

And there we have it. Martin did the one thing he said he won't do under no circumstances... In MAG 129 he said he won't let Jon die again, and now he's even the one doing it. In MAG 186 he also said he won't do it, he can't. And in MAG 199 he admitted to think he can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that he knew meant losing him. But Jon gave him an out for this one. He said there's a chance that everything works out and that they end up somewhere else. So Martin does in fact not know if this truly means losing Jon.

[DISTORTED SCREECH, WITH SOUND LIKE TAPE RAPIDLY UNSPOOLING AMIDST A RISING CRESCENDO OF STATIC] [THEN… CLICK] Is that the spider web? I never pulled it through a spectograph myself.

GEORGIE: [Calling] "You found something?" BASIRA: "Just one of the old tape recorders." I don't think the Fears still linger in their world. I know this has been a theory since one of the tape recorders is still here. I personally wouldn't think to much into it aside from it simply being a narrative device here. And the recorder did stay off this time when Basira turned it off. Maybe after that the recorder fucked off to the rest of the tapes, reaching Jon and Martin Somewhere Else to let them know everyone is okay over there. I don't think Annabelle lied. Yes, the Web manipulates but I think it does it surprisingly often by presenting the truth, but in a way so people interpret it in the exact direction the Web wants them to.

GEORGIE: "No. Still no sign of them." BASIRA: "No bodies, though. That’s a good sign, maybe?" GEORGIE: "Maybe." Georgie and Basira, who were both very much friends with Jon at the end, still cling on to them.

MELANIE: "Maybe it’s time to accept that they’re gone." Of course Melanie is the first one to close this chapter.

MELANIE: "And, honestly, it’s probably for the best. I mean, I just don’t think people would exactly be understanding. You remember what happened when they found Simon Fairchild?" GEORGIE: "Yeah…" MELANIE: "And he’s not just some powerless left-behind avatar, you know? We’re talking about ‘The Archivist’." Melanie does have a point here. I love that everyone remembers what happened. This must be such a fucked up world right now. Not least because holy hell, the streets must be carnage, people openly performing vigilantism... Even when it comes to the case of Simon Fairchild I do like a bit of karma.

I do wonder how everyone was doing during the process of going back to the normal world. Did people magically reappear where they were before the Eyepocalypse? With all of them remembering what happened (because it did very well happen) I think this didn’t go so well. The Eyepocalypse happened, and then it just ended. People in Buried domains just stay exactly where they are... Buried and suffocating. People in Vast domains actually raining down to the ground... (Yeah, I know, I just made the post-change world even more fucked up.) Oh god, would those people in the Mortal Garden turn back or just stay the way they are and die instantly...

BASIRA: "Yeah okay, you’ve made your point. [sigh] Would just be nice to know for sure." GEORGIE: "All we can do is hope." BASIRA: "I suppose." Yeah, what Melanie said can give them at least some ease. But I can understand than knowing for sure can help them find closure.

GEORGIE: "We should go. It’ll be dark soon, and we still need batteries for the nightlights." For all the victims of Dark domains. This also sounds like they are not back to their normal infrastructure... No power yet. Preppers in the US must be so proud of themselves right now and I hate that thought.

MELANIE: "And I’m sure Rosie’s keen for us to take the Admiral back off her hands." GEORGIE: "She’s alright, he’s calmed down a lot." MELANIE: "Thank god for tinned tuna." Yay Admiral!!!

BASIRA: "If anyone’s listening… Goodbye. I’m sorry, and… Good luck." Yes, we! We are still listening! (I immediately got from this forth wall break that we're supposed to be one of the universes the Fears moved to and this is the reason we got to hear this story.)

I would have loved to have any indication that Georgie could feel fear again, just to twist the knife a bit more!

Okay, when the credits started I also caught myself thinking "The Magnus Archives WAS a podcast distributed..." xD My second thought was "Fuck, they could have saved Daisy!!!"

Okay, my headcanon for the ending/the boys! You know what? I think this was the only way for Jon and Martin having a shot of possibly making it out alright. Traveling with the Fear. We know the Web can repair damages to the human body that would be fatal. If it can repair a cracked skull, it surely can repair a stab wound. And since the Fears exist in this new world they ended up the Web can do exactly that. If the Eye can like people (Martin), I'm sure the Web can like them all the more. It already liked Martin, but I'd say it also likes Jon. Both of them were basically its tools to get what it wants. So the Web gave them a chance at life in the new world (also, can’t harvest fear from dead people, so better if they’re alive). Jon would be free from the Eye since Martin cut the tether. Martin however... I feel like killing Jon in the collapsing Panopticon is his metaphorical death. It would work both for the Lonely (killing his loved one) or the Web (carrying out its plan), so depending on what one likes better, there's possibility for Lonely!Martin and Web!Martin. Jon would probably need hell of a lot of therapy... Martin as well. I'm a bit of a sucker for the headcanon that Jon and Martin did break up Somewhere Else only to find each other again when they had time to work through their trauma. Took me a bit to come up with that headcanon though, after I finished TMA I thought there was no way they could have survived/maybe just Martin survived and is now alone in a new world.

So on my first listen when I was done with the episode I felt strangely... nothing? I texted my sister that I had finished TMA now and that I don't know what to think of the ending. I guess binging S5 in just 5 days was a bit heavy when it comes to breaks I would have needed to process.

Cause and effect of the "feel nothing" thing, but at first I also found the last episode kind of underwhelming. Like there's missing something. Don't actually know if I felt nothing because I found it underwhelming or if I found it underwhelming because I felt nothing. After I had time to process and think about it some more, I do think it's very good as it is. I mean, it's hard to top MAG 160, that was just my personal peak in fiction. And I do think if TMA ended after something like MAG 160, after something that was soooo utterly "OMFG", I'd just be mad that I don't see how it went afterwards. It's the same with endgame ships. I fucking hate it when they finally get together in the last few minutes of the entire thing. Inu Yasha, She-Ra (I'd say Life is Strange, but there's a comic, so yay!). I want to see the couple together, otherwise all the URST was just the worst possible tease and "ha ha, in your face" ever, like thanks for nothing! Really glad, TMA didn't do that and we got to see an entire season of Jonmartin.

When I listened with my spouse, so basically my first relisten, I pulled through till the end. But on my second relisten I stopped after MAG 199. I really didn't want to listen to MAG 200.

Aaaaand I’m gonna do the recap of story progression here, because we now finished the main thing. So s1-4 copy-paste and then s5! MAG 1 bis 19: Start of September 2020 - July 2021 (11 months) MAG 20 - MAG 40: July 31st 2021 - August 19th 2021 (20 days) MAG 41 - MAG 80: August 19th 2021 - September 2nd 2021 (15 days) MAG 81 - MAG 120: September 2nd - September 20th 2021 (19 days - with 7 days intermission) MAG 121 - MAG 160: September 20th 2021 - October 1st 2021 (12 days) MAG 161 - MAG 200: October 1st 2021 - October 5th 2021 (5 days)

@a-mag-a-day

#a-mag-a-day #mag 200 #tma #I guess there are no spoilers anymore right?#thanks everyone who read my thoughts during this #and especially for reading wall of texts like these last two episodes #I can't believe that I actually did that every single fucking day #I did want to write down my thoughts on each episode anyway so this event was a nice push to do it

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