NEW F/O List!!!
Romantic F/Os❤️💖
Scarecrow (Batman The Animated Series, The New Batman Adventures, Nolanverse, Brave and The Bold, Arkhamverse, Fear State, Injustice 2, Audio Adventures, Tomorrow-Verse, Harley Quinn Series and Happy Halloween Scooby Doo)
Luigi, Bowser and Daisy (Mario)
Meta Knight (Kirby)
Mad Hatter (Batman The Animated Series)
Penguin and Ragdoll (The Batman 2004 Series)
Riddler (The Batman 2004 Series and Arkham Knight)
Joker (Batman The Animated Series and The Batman 2004 Series)
The Question and Huntress (Justice League Unlimited)
Gentleman Ghost (Batman - The Brave and The Bold)
Spawn (Image Comics)
Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Snork (Moomin)
Radley Heeler and Frisky Heeler (Bluey)
Wes Weasley (Adventures of Sonic The Hedgehog)
Unexplained Noises (Orion and The Dark)
Mr Shark and Diane Foxington (The Bad Guys)
Doctor Octopus, Vulture, Electro and Shocker (Spectacular Spider Man)
Bender (Futurama)
Po and Lord Shen (Kung Fu Panda)
Mr Scatterbrain (Mr Men Show)
Alastor, Zestial and Velvette (Hazbin Hotel)
Blitzø, Paimon, Asmodeus, Sallie May and Striker (Helluva Boss)
Dr Krankcase (Skylanders)
Professor Venomous (OK K.O)
Girlfriend, Chris, Nikku, Nikusa, Garcello and Tabi (Friday Night Funkin)
Taki (Friday Night Fever)
Zavok, Zazz, Blaze, Espio and Tangle (Sonic)
Paintbrush, Silver Spoon, Candle, MePhone4S, Bandana and Hay Bale (Inanimate Insanity)
Conch Shell and PDA (The Power of Two)
Needle, Pen, Donut and Tennis Ball (Battle For Dream Island)
Six, Lollipop and Gaty (Battle For BFB)
Thrax (Osmosis Jones)
Amadeus Wolfgeist, Hellen Gravely and Morty (Luigi's Mansion)
Scar and Lex Woods (Alien Vs Predator)
Vex (Sackboy - A Big Adventure)
Sideshow Bob, Ned Flanders, Moe Syzlack and Waylon Smithers (The Simpsons)
Neo Cortex (Crash Bandicoot)
Fred Jones (Scooby Doo)
The Earl and The DangerGrid of Doom (Skatoony)
Monica (Oggy and The Cockroaches)
Black Hat (Villainous)
Jafar (Disney's Aladdin)
Nasira (Disney's Aladdin in Nasira's Revenge)
Maleficent (Disney's Sleeping Beauty)
Captain Hook (Disney's Peter Pan)
Hades (Disney's Hercules)
Peppino Spaghetti and Vigilante (Pizza Tower)
Katz, Freaky Fred and Computer (Courage The Cowardly Dog)
Espresso Cookie, Clover Cookie and Frost Queen Cookie (Cookie Run: Kingdom)
Rainbow Dash, Princess Cadence, Discord, Cheese Sandwich, Trenderhoof and Pinkie Pie (My Little Pony)
Fear and Anxiety (Inside Out)
Eddie Brock/Venom (Venom)
The Mole (Happy Tree Friends)
Goofy (Disney)
Simon Belmont (Captain N The Game Master)
Izzy, Chris McLean, Mike/Svetlana/Manitoba Smith/Mal and Zoey (Total Drama)
Nordic Bunny (Shred Force)
Mr Puzzles (SMG4)
Mario.EXE (Mario's Madness)
MX (Mario 85 and Mario's Madness)
Dr Nefarious and Emperor Nefarious (Ratchet and Clank)
Claude Frollo and Esmeralda (Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame)
Kasane Teto (Vocaloid and UTAU)
Ales Mansay and Mr Dark (Rayman)
Ramon/Rayman (Captain Laserhawk)
Midnite and Edge (Mario + Rabbids)
Darlwing Duck, QuackerJack and Negaduck (Darlwing Duck)
Sniper, Medic and Spy (Team Fortress 2)
Right Hand Man (Henry Stickmin)
Sasha Waybright (Amphibia)
Wally Darling (Welcome Home)
Caine (The Amazing Digital Circus)
Dr Strangeglove and Luvli (Moshi Monsters)
NOS-4-A2, Zurg and Ty Parsec (Buzz Lightyear of Star Command)
Emperor Belos and Raine Whispers (Owl House)
Devil, King Dice and Baroness Von Bon Bon (Cuphead Show)
Elvira (Elvira, Mistress of the Dark and Happy Halloween Scooby Doo)
Rango and Beans (Rango)
Gia (Madagascar)
Sweet Tooth (Twisted Metal TV series)
[Queerplatonic]🍀
Maud Pie (My Little Pony)
Ford Pines (Gravity Falls)
Rattlesnake Jake (Rango)
Trenderman (Creepypasta)
Gaston (Disney's Beauty and the Beast)
Toffee (Star VS The Forces of Evil)
Platonic F/Os💛🌹
Kuromi and Cinnamoroll (Sanrio)
Moony (ENA)
Henry Stickmin, Ellie Rose, Reginald Copperbottom and Sven Svensson (Henry Stickmin)
Dr Flug and White Hat (Villainous)
Benrey (Half Life VR)
Boyfriend, Carol, Annie, Pom Pom and Ash (Friday Night Funkin)
Edd, Eduardo and Zanta Claws (Eddsworld)
Ell (Ellsworld)
Rayman (Rayman and Animated Series)
Globox, Grand Minimus and Teensies (Rayman)
Betina (Rayman the Animated Series)
Flynn, Cali, Hugo, Tessa, Eye Brawl, Chop Chop and Wrecking Ball (Skylanders)
Bambi and Faline (Disney's Bambi)
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Sandy Cheeks and Karen Plankton (SpongeBob)
Tanjiro Kamado (Demon Slayer)
Poppet, Zommer and Katsuma (Moshi Monsters)
Wall-E, EVE and M-O (Wall-E)
Charlie Morningstar, Angel Dust, Vaggie, Nifty and Vox (Hazbin Hotel)
Bunny, Kitty, Shirley the Medium, Cajun Fox and Black Puddle Queen (Courage The Cowardly Dog)
Anne Boonchuy (Amphibia)
Red Action (OK K.O)
Cream Puff Cookie, Strawberry Crepe Cookie and Cherry Blossom Cookie (Cookie Run: Kingdom)
Rocko Rama and Filburt Shellbach (Rocko's Modern Life)
Maria (Unicorn Wars)
Luca Paguro (Luca)
Curse Of X, Lord X and NormalCD (VS Sonic.EXE)
Bubble, Ice Cube and Pin (Battle For Dream Island)
Four, Eight, Nine, Ten, Fourteen, Five and Two (Battle for BFB)
Iscream, Fwench Fwy and Cofi (Chikn Nuggit)
Freckles and Rocky (Lackadaisy)
Alex, Marty and Vitaly (Madagascar)
Charlie Dompler and Pim Pimling (Smiling Friends)
Mario, Peach, Wario and Toad (Mario)
Sonic, Amy Rose, Vector and Chip (Sonic)
Knuckles (Sonic Movie)
Po, Laa-Laa, Tinky Winky and Dipsy (Teletubbies)
Alice (Batman The Animated Series)
Donutella (Donutella)
Bianca (Pokémon)
Nazz (Ed, Edd N Eddy)
Oggy and Marky (Oggy and The Cockroaches)
Verosika Mayday, Collin, Vortex and Queen Bee-Zlebub (Helluva Boss)
Pomni and Jax (The Amazing Digital Circus)
Gus Porter and Hunter (Owl House)
Coco (Crash Bandicoot)
Cajun Fox (Courage The Cowardly Dog)
Shirley The Medium (Courage The Cowardly Dog)
GB (Mario's Madness)
Bullfrog (Captain Laserhawk)
Bubble (Fundamental Paper Education)
Glendale (Centaurworld)
Vanity Smurf (Smurfs)
Bernie and Marina (Zig and Sharko)
Flaky (Happy Tree Friends)
Snorky, Fleegle, Drooper and Bingo (The Banana Splits)
Karen, Axol and SMG3 (SMG4)
Familial F/Os💙🍒
[Parents]🍁
Bandit Heeler, Chilli Heeler, Calypso, Pat and Brandy Heeler (Bluey)
Eda Clawthorne, Lilith Clawthorne, Darius Deamone and Camila Noceda (Owl House)
Millie, Moxxie and Stolas (Helluva Boss)
Lucifer Morningstar, Rosie, Carmilla Carmine, Sir Pentious and Husk (Hazbin Hotel)
Jack Skellington and Sally (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
Moominpappa and Moominmamma (Moomin)
Mama White and Papa White (Sanrio)
Victor, Laverne and Archdeacon (Disney's Hunchback Of Notre Dame)
King Andrias and Lady Olivia (Amphibia)
Lila and John (Spooky Month)
Wallace, Lady Tottington and Wendolene Ramsbottom (Wallace and Gromit)
Muriel Bagge (Courage The Cowardly Dog)
Yor Forger and Loid Forger (Spy X Family)
Solazar, Ruv, Sarvente and Dr Springheel (Friday Night Funkin)
Alice (Pokémon - Rise of Darkrai)
Count Bleck and Tippi (Super Paper Mario)
Tankman and Steve (Tankmen)
King Boo and Rosalina (Mario)
Dr Eggman and Vanilla (Sonic)
Optimus Prime (Transformers)
Ventriloquist and Scarface (Batman The Animated Series)
Catwoman (The Batman 2004 Series)
Connor and Lieutenant Hank Anderson (Detroit: Become Human)
Jason Voorhess and Pamela Voorhees (Friday The 13th - Original)
Ragatha and Kinger (The Amazing Digital Circus)
EteleD/Henry Morris and Corrupted Mii/Austin Sanders (Wii Deleted You)
Genie (Disney's Aladdin)
Mrs Piggy and Swedish Chef (Muppets)
Mao Mao, Badgerclops, Shin Mao and Eugene (Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart)
Funella and Furgus (Furchester Hotel)
Majin Sonic (VS Sonic.EXE)
Clarabelle Cow, Horace Horsecollar, Oswald The Lucky Rabbit and Ortensia the Cat (Disney)
Tom Wachowski and Maddie Wachowski (Sonic Movie)
Melman and Gloria (Madagascar)
Smee (Disney's Peter Pan)
Mona and Mike (Warioware)
Rarity, Princess Celestia and Thorax (My Little Pony)
[Siblings]🦋
Moomintroll, Snorkmaiden and Little My (Moomin)
Octavia and Loona (Helluva Boss)
Bluey Heeler, Bingo Heeler, Rusty and Mackenzie Border Collie (Bluey)
Slushi (Chikn Nuggit)
Marcy Wu/Darcy, Sprig Plantar and Polly Plantar (Amphibia)
Mabel Pines, Wendy Corduroy and Dipper Pines (Gravity Falls)
Meggy Spletzer, Tari and Melony (SMG4)
Meilin Lee, Miriam Mendelsohn, Priya Mangal and Abby Park (Turning Red)
Jenny Wakeman (My Life As A Teenage Robot)
Soft Boyfriend and Soft Mouse (Friday Night Funkin - Soft)
Streber (Spooky Month)
Rabbid Rosalina (Mario + Rabbids)
Tails (Sonic)
Giulia Marcovaldo (Luca)
Selever, Rasazy, Cassette Girl, Sunday, Rascal and Hex (Friday Night Funkin)
Nezuko Komado (Demon Slayer)
Shaggy Rogers and Madelyn Dinkley (Scooby Doo)
Darrell, Shannon, Raymond, Enid and KO (OK K.O)
Dee Dee (Dexter's Laboratory)
Edd/Double D (Ed Edd n Eddy)
Olivia (Oggy and The Cockroaches)
Hilda (Hilda)
Iris (Pokémon)
Patsy Smiles (Camp Lazlo)
Noisette (Pizza Tower)
Orbulon (Warioware)
Tiana and Charlotte La Bouff (Princess and The Frog)
Loona (Helluva Boss)
Odette and Clara (Hazbin Hotel)
Wubbzy, Widget, Walden and Daizy (Wow! Wow! Wubbzy)
Luz Noceda, Willow Park, Vee, Collector, Eberwolf and Kikimora (Owl House)
N (Murder Drones)
Gangle and Zooble (The Amazing Digital Circus)
Charles Calvin (Henry Stickmin)
DogDay, CraftyCorn, Hoppy Hopscotch, KickinChicken, CatNap and Boogie Bot (Poppy Playtime)
Molly McGee and Libby Stein-Torres (Ghost and Molly McGee)
Sniffles and Lammy (Happy Tree Friends)
Toaster (The Brave Little Toaster)
Elflin (Kirby)
Phoebe (Furchester Hotel)
Gordi (Unicorn Wars)
Tord and Tom (Eddsworld)
Tamara (Ellsworld)
Mags (Skylanders)
Squid Ink Cookie, Parfait Cookie and Custard Cookie III (Cookie Run: Kingdom)
Iris (Pokémon)
Lamb (Cult of the Lamb)
Berk (The Trap Door)
[Children]🍰
Child! Blitzø, Child! Stolas, Child! Octavia, Child! Fizzarolli, Oliver and Child! Moxxie (Helluva Boss)
Pom Pom, Lila, Muffin and Socks (Bluey)
Cyan Fitzgerald (Todd McFarlane's Spawn)
Penny Crygor, Kat, Ana, Ashley and 9-Volt (Warioware)
Hello Kitty, Mimmy White, Fifi, My Melody, My Sweet Piano and Julianna Scott (Sanrio)
Eri and Kota Izumi (My Hero Academia)
Maggie Simpson (The Simpsons)
Nugget (Super Meat Boy Forever)
Anya Forger (Spy X Family)
Bubbles (Powerpuff Girls)
Adorabat (Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart)
Skid, Pump and Robert (Spooky Month)
Hat Kid (A Hat In Time)
Sam (Trick R Treat)
Cream, Cheese, Orbot, Cubot, Sage and Charmy Bee (Sonic)
Kirby, Ribbon and Adeleine (Kirby)
SCP-053 and SCP-239 (SCP)
Baby Doll (Batman The Animated Series)
Cub (Happy Tree Friends)
Lazlo, Gretchen and Edward (Camp Lazlo)
X and Cake (Battle For BFB)
Lumas (Mario)
Baby Mario, Baby Luigi, Baby Peach, Bowser Jr, Boo and Luma (Mario)
Onion Cookie (Cookie Run: Kingdom)
Three Diablos (Puss In Boots: The Three Diablos)
QT (Friday Night Funkin)
Fink (O.K KO)
Pinocchio (Disney's Pinocchio - 1940s)
Egg Boiz (Hazbin Hotel)
Blanky (Brave Little Toaster)
Flips (Rayman The Animated Series)
Henry Hugglemonster (Henry Hugglemonster)
Sunflower (Plants Vs Zombies)
[Others]💜
Grandma White - grandmother and Grandpa White - grandfather (Sanrio)
Chris Heeler - grandmother, Trixie Heeler - aunt and Stripe Heeler - uncle (Bluey)
Gwendolyn Clawthorne - grandmother, Edric Blight - cousin and Emira Blight - cousin (Owl House)
Nanny Plum - grandmother and Wise Old Elf - grandfather (Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom)
Uncle Hairy - uncle (Humf)
Isabel - cousin (Furchester Hotel)
Samantha Coleman - cousin (Wii Deleted You)
Alice Green - grandmother (Big City Greens)
Alicia - grandmother (Pokémon - Rise of Darkrai)
Nina Cortex - niece (Crash Bandicoot)
Burt Curtis - cousin, Earrings - cousin and Dave Panpa - cousin (Henry Stickmin)
Dribble - uncle, Spitz - cousin and Dr Crygor - grandfather (Warioware)
Soft Pico - cousin (Friday Night Funkin - Soft)
Hop Pop Plantar - grandfather (Amphibia)
Iroh - uncle (Avatar - The Last Airbender)
Granny Smith - grandmother, Pharynx - uncle and Princess Luna - aunt (My Little Pony)
Leatherface/Bubba Sawyer - uncle (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
May Parker - aunt (Spectacular Spider Man)
Pet F/Os🐑🤍
Gidget, Daisy and Chloe (The Secret Life of Pets)
Fat Nuggets and Keekee (Hazbin Hotel)
King, Hooty, Flapjack and Clover (Owl House)
Thumper (Disney's Bambi)
SCP-999 and SCP-131 (SCP)
Artemis, Diana and Luna (Sailor Moon)
Zero (Nightmare Before Christmas)
Puss in Boots, Kitty Softpaws and Perrito (Puss in Boots)
Gary (SpongeBob)
Ringo (Eddsworld)
Pipsqueak (The Lorax)
Shirousa, Kurousa, Strawberryusa, Blueberryusa, Momousa, Vanilla, Aousa, Pandausa, Balletusa and Primausa (Sugarbunnies)
Pusheen (Pusheen The Cat)
Cheezborger and Chikn Nuggit (Chikn Nuggit)
505 (Villainous)
Gromit, Feathers McGraw and Hutch (Wallace and Gromit)
Jeffrey The Land Shark (It's Jeff)
Polterpup (Luigi's Mansion)
Jess (Postman Pat)
Garfield and Odie (Garfield)
Skipper, Kowalski, Rico and Private (Madagascar and Penguins of Madagascar)
Bond Forger (Spy X Family)
Courage and Le Quack (Courage The Cowardly Dog)
Hypno (Pokémon and Friday Night Funkin: Lullaby)
Pikachu, Pichu, Jigglypuff, Eevee, Sylveon, Darkrai, Piplup, Wynaut, Manaphy, Togepi, Togekiss, Pawmi, Mudkip, Torchic, Chikorita, Jirachi, Emolga, Axew, Cosmog, Mew, Celebi, Zorua, Minccino, Cinccino, Ralts, Azurill, Latios, Latias, Riolu, Lucario, Buneary, Dwebble, Altaria, Swablu, Quaxly, Espurr, Meowstic, Gengar, Misdreavus, Audino and Diancie (Pokémon)
Shinto (Friday Night Funkin: Lullaby)
Scooby Doo (Scooby Doo)
Chao and Yacker (Sonic)
Rilakkuma
Zippy (TUFF Puppy)
Pugsley (Dead End: Paranormal Park)
Jiji (Kiki's Delivery Service)
Mog and Owl (Meg and Mog)
Peep, Quack and Chirp (Peep and The Big Wide World)
Baby Rox, Jeepers, Sleepypaws, Shishi, Holga, Suey, Fifi, Capt Squirk, Tomba, Kissy, Roxy, Grinny, Gabby, Mr Snoodle, Scamp, Bingo, Misty, Blinky, Marsha, Priscilla, Gingersnap, Fernando, Scrumpy, Penny, Tingaling, Pip, Prof Purplex, Honey and Nodkins (Moshi Monsters)
Nine (Frankenstein's Cat)
Pr0ships, c0mships, bigots, z00, anti-self shippers, NSFW, necr0 and p#do DNI!!!
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Why Crowley can’t go back to Heaven and can’t be restored as an angel…
…using Satan’s soliloquy from Book IV of Paradise Lost by John Milton.
Because I have a deep-below-lower-deep unholy decade-long obsession with Paradise Lost and Good Omens S2 has prompted a re-read.
(Quoted from the UPenn online version, linked below.)
Broad Context: In Paradise Lost, Satan fell because he “trusted to have equaled the most High”—he pushed for equality with God, challenged the idea of Omnipotence, and led war against Heaven trying to prove that God was not supremely powerful and if he and his forces could achieve victory, that they deserved power, too. But they lost, Lucifer fell and became Satan, and everyone who fought with him was cast Down as well. He wasn’t claiming to be above God, but challenging God’s supremacy was an act of hubris. There are TONS of themes, language, and visuals from classical/Hellenic myth and epic poetry and Satan reads largely as the hero of a Greek tragic epic. He follows Aristotle’s Poetics ideas of peripety and discovery: he massively fucks up his own life, leading to his own tragic downfall, and only realizes too late that all his ruinous problems are his own damn fault (pun intended). People have debated since publication the degree to which Milton knowingly or unknowingly had sympathy for the devil (cue Rolling Stones) but tend to agree that Satan isn’t a typical obvious bad guy villain.
Kind of like how Good Omens’ Heaven/Hell dichotomy isn’t really about Good/Evil and its main characters are a demon who is a bit of a nice person and an angel who is enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.
Scene Context: Post-Fall, Satan struggles with the understanding that he fucked up his own life, that he fucked up the lives of everyone loyal to him because they were all punished for that loyalty, that he deeply regrets his choices knowing now how they worked out and wishes he’d never Fallen, but that he can never go back to Heaven or to being “some inferior angel” knowing what he knows now.
SCENE SETTING (Lines 17-31)
And like a devilish engine back recoils
Upon himself; horrour and doubt distract
His troubled thoughts, and from the bottom stir
The Hell within him; for within him Hell
He brings, and round about him, nor from Hell
One step, no more than from himself, can fly
By change of place: Now conscience wakes despair,
That slumbered; wakes the bitter memory
Of what he was, what is, and what must be
Worse; of worse deeds worse sufferings must ensue.
Sometimes towards Eden, which now in his view
Lay pleasant, his grieved look he fixes sad;
Sometimes towards Heaven, and the full-blazing sun,
Which now sat high in his meridian tower:
Then, much revolving, thus in sighs began.
SATAN’S SOLILOQUY (Lines 93-113)
“But say I could repent, and could obtain,
By act of grace, my former state; how soon
Would highth recall high thoughts, how soon unsay
What feigned submission swore? Ease would recant
Vows made in pain, as violent and void.
For never can true reconcilement grow,
Where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep:
Which would but lead me to a worse relapse
And heavier fall: so should I purchase dear
Short intermission bought with double smart.
This knows my Punisher; therefore as far
From granting he, as I from begging, peace;
All hope excluded thus, behold, in stead
Of us out-cast, exil'd, his new delight,
Mankind created, and for him this world.
So farewell, hope; and with hope farewell, fear;
Farewell, remorse! all good to me is lost;
Evil, be thou my good; by thee at least
Divided empire with Heaven's King I hold,
By thee, and more than half perhaps will reign;
As Man ere long, and this new world, shall know.”
Good Omens Read:
For many of the same reasons as Satan in Paradise Lost, Crowley can’t return to Heaven. He can’t trust it anymore. He knows what it did to him and others like him. He can no longer abide the lie that Heaven is the side of the ang— the side of the good guys. Good guys don’t do the things that God and Heaven have done. Heaven and Hell take similar, parallel actions throughout Good Omens but at least Hell doesn’t pretend to be righteous about their destructive, cruel, unjust actions. Hell is awful but at least it knows that. Better the devil you know, if the alternative is the angel who is fundamentally dishonest.
If Crowley returns to Heaven, he’ll saunter back downwards immediately and there will be nothing vague about it the second time. He doesn’t trust it, he can never trust it again, and he has 6000 years of anger towards Heaven for his own Fall, which are 6000 years of viewing Heaven as the enemy, even if only as lipservice to maintain professional courtesy.
But now he’s been cast into a deep personal hell, (“a lower deep;” the internal turmoil that makes a shitty external situation orders of magnitude worse) because now Heaven has taken Aziraphale from Crowley.
And Heaven can hurt him. They’ve tried to destroy Aziraphale before. They tried to destroy Gabriel by destroying everything that made him Gabriel. They’ve been threatening “extreme sanctions” and removal from The Book of Life and Crowley only recently learned that was a real possibility and not a made-up horror story.
Crowley hadn’t trusted Heaven in 6000 years, but Heaven hurting him and Heaven hurting Aziraphale are incomparable metrics to Crowley.
Contrast Crowley’s typically cool responses to being personally threatened with his incinerating rage at anyone threatening Aziraphale.
Crowley responds to threats to his own personal safety and well-being (Hastur, Ligur, and Shax all threaten Crowley himself and Crowley responds with one-liners, sarcasm, cinematic threats that makes a cheap plant mister sound like a ‘44 magnum, and, you know, holy water) without breaking a sweat. But threaten Aziraphale and there isn’t a one-liner to be found. He can’t pretend to be unaffected when Aziraphale is in trouble. He sputters. He trails off. He shouts. He snarls.
Noting also that when Crowley forgets to act cool is a good indicator that something has deeply rattled him. Ex. Soaking wet, ash-streaked, screaming, sobbing, knocked on the ground, grief-wrecked Crowley in the bookshop fire. So when Crowley doesn’t have a quip ready, he’s actually scared. In the moments that matter, Crowley is as cool as crocs with mismatched socks.)
Crowley hasn’t trusted Heaven I’m 6000 years because of what it did to him. He could never have gone back.
But now Heaven has taken Aziraphale and can hurt him. So now Heaven, through the Metatron, offers Crowley the possibility of return.
The Metatron knows as well as Crowley does that Crowley can never go back. The Metatron knows it as well as God knows the same to be true of Satan in Paradise Lost:
“For never can true reconcilement grow,
Where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep:
Which would but lead me to a worse relapse
And heavier fall: (…)
This knows my Punisher; therefore as far
From granting he, as I from begging, peace.”
There was never an honest offer to restore Crowley to Heaven. He could never have trusted Heaven, even if he’d returned, and he’d have Fallen again immediately. That’s why the Metatron offered. Because Aziraphale still wants to trust Heaven and Crowley never can again. Because the Metatron knew Crowley would say no. And the Metatron knew that even if Crowley accepted to stay with Aziraphale or to protect him, Crowley would be cast back Down in short order anyway. (“Does anyone ever ask for death?” The Metatron asks Nina.)
Would Crowley have chosen not to Fall, knowing what he knows now? Probably. But he did. He can’t go back. Neither could Satan.
Satan’s soliloquy after the Fall, or Crowley’s pining melancholy drunk divorce rant after Season 2:
“So farewell, hope… all good to me is lost.”
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