#Hoggle and the Worm

[muppet-facts]

Muppet Fact #739

The Worm in Jim Henson's Labyrinth is named William.

Source:

"Hoggle and the Worm" in Mouse Guard, Labyrinth and Other Stories. Adrianne Ambrose and Ted Naifeh. Archaia. 2012.

[graphix1025]

Labyrinth themed valentines

[catherinedesilver]

Need Help Finding This

Right, so, a few years back there was a textbook based on the Jim Hensen film, "Labyrinth".

I think it was called "Underground: Labyrinth", or something along those lines. However, I can't seem to find it anywhere.

Hoping if I post this, someone out there in the cyber world, some might know about it and let me know where to find a copy if it exists - or if I'm just beyond the Goblin City.

[deakyghostcosplay]

This is my little project of this month, I'll be using everything from my wardrobe for this so I don't have to purchase anything <33

[bitchontheprairie]

just found out labyrinth is 37 today. we had it on vhs and i would watch it on repeat. bowie scared me + i badly wanted to be sarah + wanted ludo to be real

[laughableillusions]

Labyrinth Clue:

[All of them standing around a dead goblin]

Jareth: who broke it?…I’m not mad, I just wanna know.

Sarah: I did, I broke-

Jareth: No. no you you didn’t. Didymus?

Sir Didymus: Don’t behold at me! behold at Hoggle!

Hoggle: What? I didn't break it!

Sir Didymus: I understand you not. Yond's weird. How'd thee coequal knoweth t wast broken?

Hoggle: Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken.

Sir Didymus: Suspicious…

Hoggle: No! it’s not!

The Worm: If it matters - probably not - but Ludo was the last one to see them.

Ludo: Liar! Ludo no break!

The Worm: Oh really? Then what were you doing outside the goblin city earlier?

Ludo: Ludo play with chickens! All know that!

Sarah: Ok, ok! Let’s not fight! I broke it, let me bury them, Jareth-

Jareth angrier: No! Who broke it??!

Hoggle: …

Hoggle: Your majesty? The wise one’s been awful quiet

The Wise one’s hat: oh REALLY?!

Hoggle: Yeah really!

The Wise One’s hat: Oh my god!

[They all start arguing]

Jareth later to his goblins: I killed him. He bit my hand so I kicked him out the window. I predict ten minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Jareth: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

[fitzs-space]

Watched Labyrinth last night with @galacticjay1, and my brain worms took over.

So woe, hermitcraft Labyrinth au be upon ye

Gem as Sarah, main character energy unfortunately but someone's gotta do it. she's the type to just end up in situations. that way the baby Toby can be her puppy Winnie. [alt option would have been Scott, cause Scott's got the vibe to just be in places, but he could not be bothered to actually go through the labyrinth]

Bdubs as Hoggle, just look at him. the tolken short guy whos forced to help and will complain every step of the way about it, and will completely kissass up to their boss. Also both having a prized possession always kept at their side [the Clock, and the bundle of jewelry]

Scar as Jareth the Goblin King, Yea. Who else.

Etho as Ludo, just vibes really. Quiet dude willing to help and can just do wild shit for no good reason. [alt option was Doc, cause he's got the tall brute force energy to him as well, by they said it didn't fit. Docs got more of a higher energy to him then what would fit]

Rens Sir Didymus, Dog Knight. eccentric mf who screams out soliloquys going on about saving the fair madden they have devoted their time and service to, is that Sir Didymus or Ren? yes. Ok those are the main ones, now onto the other characters met in the labyrinth in approximate order of appearance

Xisuma is the worm. look at that mf and tell me I am wrong, one of the lines is this dude asking Sarah to come in for a cup of tea. Id apologize to the Xisuma enjoyers, but this is tumbler and people know he's a bit of a wet paper bag kinda guy.

Impulse and Skizz are the door Guards, The guards have no idea what's going on and neither do those two. I know its Technically the "Four Guards" and It could be team Zits, but the vibe isn't there fully. the type of mfs to mislead someone by pure accident[Skizz], and also cause its a lil funny[Impulse]

Martin as the False Alarms, their entire roll is to dramatically shout false warnings at the people who pass. If I didn't make the man who abuses the voice effects on his GoXLR as the rocks who wait to shout at people, I'd be making a mistake. [listener ass bitch] Also there is straight up a line where one of them goes "oh please, we don't get to shout these very often, its only our job" in some posh voice, then go back to the deep dramatic shouting. and that's just Martin man.

Grian and Mumbo as the Door Knockers, vibes [its also funny to make everyone's favorite guys as characters only seen for five minuets at most] If any two guys are going to be subjected to living their life forever constantly shouting at each other barely being able to understand what the other is saying, it'd be those two. Grian would be the Left, would also scream if he couldn't hear someone [Watcher allegations also] Mumbo as right because the ring in his mouth could be drawn as his mustache

Tango's a Firey, look at him. Cartoon ass bitch, the entire scuffed greenscreen dance sequence is on par with his thumbnails. I know there are supposed to be five of the dudes, but shhhh Zedaph would also fit with these fuckers. the type of guy who could probably detach his head, but still knows that there are manners and its rude to throw someone else's head

Pearl as the Junk Lady, she's the cleaning lady and collects trash, was it ever a question? And Pearls gremlin voice is the exact same as the Junk lady's voice

Doc's the lil fairies at the beginning of the labyrinth, everyone say thank you to Doccy for butterfly truthing Doc.

Jellie as just all the goblins, Scar the Jellie king instead of the Goblin king. The threat of Winnie getting turned into a cat is kinda funny, also there's the Humongous? that's a Jellie panda

the only main characters Im missing is the Wise Man and the Hat, I just do not know who to put them as, maybe Xb and Keralis cause of vibe? or Xb and Hypno cause of the horsehead farms bit. I do not know.

All that will come from this is me maybe drawing Ren and Scar as the characters, feel free to do what you want with this, my brain just needed to scream about this really

[brokehorrorfan]

Plastic Meatball has released Labyrinth retro-style toys. The first wave features Jareth (with staff), Sarah (with worm and peach), and Hoggle. Priced at $14.99, each 3.75" scale figure has five points of articulation.

[veryace-ficrecs]

Labyrinth (1986) Fic Recs

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

Tales of Cupid and Psyche by DemonSaya - Rated M

Jareth's mother has found out about Sarah rejecting her son. And she's very, VERY unhappy.

Let My Love Be Your Blue Sky by cricket_aria - Rated T

The owl was miserably drenched by rain in the tree outside her window, and Sarah could ignore him no more.

Many Happy Returns by neverbelonely - Rated G

Thirteen years later, Sarah returns to the Labyrinth to wish her Goblin King a happy birthday.

Sleeves by beastinabasket - Rated G

Sarah didn’t consider herself an overly sentimental person.

Pieces by DeltaIvyRose - Rated E

Seven years after Sarah wished her brother away and ran the Labyrinth. Sarah's life isn't going the direction she wanted. After spending the last five years in college and a failed career as a serious journalist, she finds herself living back at home with her family. Her father sets her up with a job at his law firm and while it's not the job of her dreams, she takes it to make him happy. But on her first day, strange things start to happen and through the desperate actions of an old friend, she finds herself back in the Labyrinth tasked with an important mission. Save Jareth from a wicked Fae woman who has done something terrible to him and now the Labyrinth, and everyone in it, may possibly die.

The Labyrinth's Queen's return by Webtrinsic - Rated G

Sarah is tired of her boring life on earth, so she returns to her Labyrinth where she reigns as Queen. A welcome surprise to the Goblin King.

Glitter, Tea and Company by Skydriane - Rated G

Being stuck at home with a hot water bottle for company is not Sarah's idea of fun, but when she inadvertently makes a wish the outcome is better than she expected.

Feathers by PallasRubiaOrigins - Rated E

Due to a judicial error, Jareth loses his most cherished power. He needs Sarah to get it back, but she is trying to survive in the real world and helping the Goblin King is not on her to do list. When their paths cross again, life-changing choices have to be made.

The Labyrinthine Queen by Defiant_Bard, Keylah - Rated T

Sarah thought her adventure was over, but a surprise eight years later sends her into the heart of the Labyrinth, back to a certain incorrigible Goblin King and a Labyrinth that is different from what she remembers. It will take all her wit to win again.

The Way Forward Is Sometimes The Way Back by 17 pansies (17pansies) - Rated G

Sometimes, the way forward really is the way back. ... or is the way back the way forward?

The Trial of a Goblin King by Doctor_Pepperpot - Rated T

Jareth is languishing in the dungeons of his own castle. He is in big trouble and time is running out. Can Hoggle convince reluctant-bride and soap opera star, Sarah Williams, to return to the Labyrinth to help him?

It's Only Forever by Foxtrot (SolidState) - Rated T

It was easier than she'd thought it would be. One day she turned a corner at the park and there it was; the Labyrinth. The mouth of it, that wide brick entryway, loomed from a shady copse of fir trees where it sat nestled as if it had grown from the very earth itself – an organic living thing. The dead vines and grubby moss hardly changed at all since she had last seen it and Sarah wondered if there would be fuzzy little worms having tea in the cracks and crevices of it's pillars. Sarah heard it then, the soft voice she had caught only the faintest whispers of as a 15 year old still full of rage and righteousness, but now it spoke clear and crisp in her mind like a lazy river washing over stones. It called to her as it had done the first time but now…now Sarah understood the words.

Finder's Keepers by LabyrinthineDreamer - Rated T

Sarah finds something unexpected in the park near her parent's home.

Necessity and Need by Natarie - Rated G

Sarah wakes up in the Labyrinth the day after she saves Toby. And the morning after that, and the next. Slow burn friendship-to-romance fic (if it ever gets that far)

Heart by icarus_chained - Rated G

Three years after the Labyrinth, Jareth comes with one final offer.

wild peaches by notbecauseofvictories - Rated T

The morning after Sarah Williams defeats the Goblin King, she gets up and makes toast.

UnderAbove by Nightmarish - Rated T

The first time it happened, there were no theatrics. She was simply there one minute and somewhere else the next.

Dare to Bake a Peach by akaVertigo - Rated T

She'll muddle through recipes untold and burns unnumbered, fight her way out of every castle fantasy supper to guard what he's out to steal... Sarah cooks, and Sarah wins.

"You did this?" by AuthorinExile - Rated G

Sarah tries to move on with her life. Jareth does not.

trying to do right (in this wicked world) by haymitch (commanderdameron) - Rated T

Sarah sheds her precocious girl skin on her first day of coursework, when she reveals her research interests in her first-year seminar and realizes that nearly every member of her cohort reacts with a barely-concealed sneer.

How to Catch a Goblin King by ViciouslyWitty - Rated E

What happens when Sarah accidentally crashes a goblin royal wedding and inadvertently proposes to the groom? What happens when the groom accepts? They're bound, of course! After all... what's said is said. You are cordially invited to an Underground wedding.

[rain-storm-witch]

Part 2

I can't remember the last time I didn't have a little shadow with pigtails

It's unnerving being alone with your own thoughts.

Looking around my surroundings it's as if all the plants died but are somehow still living, but who knows it's all magical bullshit anyways.

"57" following the harsh voice "58" it belongs to a man? Maybe? " hello " you call out trying to make yourself known "oh! Who.. oh it's you"

" Do you know me?" He looks me up and down as if he was trying to find a place where he had seen me before " Do I know who" " Sir do you know me?"

Facing me he takes a moment "Sir? No I ain't no sir I'm hoggle" he points a broken finger nail at me " Who are you" pointing back at him you take a moment to think if you should really be giving your name out.

But you give it anyways, slapping your hand away from his. He turns back to spraying something flying by "That's what I thought" looking forward at the labyrinth walls that seemed to have no way to get in "Do you know how I can get into the labyrinth?" I ask quietly

He looks over his shoulder at you " You gets in there" And just like that the wall I was looking at was suddenly a large door into the very labyrinth. "You really going in there? " He looked as if he was almost scared of the place himself "Yea I need to" with that I walked right into the labyrinth.

" dozy ain't it.. now which way would you go" not thinking he followed me in I jumped slightly at his voice "Right…right? That's what I always thought" he looked puzzled at that as if no one had ever given an actual answer " Well I wouldn't go either way"

"Thank you for helping me in hogwash" " It's hoggle!" He stomped out and the doors closed behind him really setting my fate in "Alright let's go "

Walking past branches and rumble it seems as if I haven't gone anywhere. Running doesn't work either, it's like I'm stuck in the same place no matter how far I run "This goes on forever.. how are there no turns" sliding down against the wall with my head in my hands. It's so stupid that I can't find a single turn

" ello" looking to my right there's a little guy who sits with his little scarf "Did you just say hello to me?" A blue worm? Really? "No I said ello but that's close enough" so adorable with his little scarf "Little worm you wouldn't happen to know where the turns are would ya?"

It felt silly to ask a worm, but hoggle had helped me so why couldn't this little guy " There's one right in front of ya" there was? "Come inside meet the missus?" " Oh no I can't but thank you truly "

Standing up as I put my hands out just in case I fall through something. And sure enough there was a hidden turn " Thank you so much little fella " I nod my head going towards the left "Hey hang on don't go that way" oh yea that's right always go right " Truly thank you again" giving him a half smile i head to the next part

Honestly everything about this place is just strange

And even stranger things were happening in the castle that lived at the center of the goblin city's

Jareth sat upon his curved throne deep in thought while the goblins around him tried their best to calm the sobbing young girl sat in the middle of the throne room.

Looking towards the poor girls red face as she tired wiping them as fast as the ran down her face. And finally taking pity on the child he stands and takes steps till he is at arms length with her "What has you so troubled little one?"

He asks crouching down brushing away the stray tears that fall faster, as Evie tries to get any words out she just breaks down even harder. Hiccups follow with mixed words that not even the goblins can understand.

Jareth not sure of what to do picks the small child up and holds her close to his chest "Things will be alright you're with your brother and sisters now petal" but his words did in fact not help in the slightest they actually made the sobs worse

Tiny hands clenching his shirt with a tight grip her wails grow louder. Sighing Jareth looks to any of his subjects for help, he hasn't had to deal with a child that could talk in ages usually it's small babes. Even the children the same age as the one in his arm didn't cry this much.

"Little one you are safe here I promise you" turning back towards his throne Jareth sets the girl down "You know what ? You remind me of someone" looking at him witn sad doe eyes waiting for him to speak while she tries to catch her breath

The goblins around start rushing to set something up as Jareth walks back to the center of the room pointing back at the girl "You remind of the babe" gaining the curiosity " The babe?" Evie asks through shaky breath and sniffles.

Jareth rushes to girl grabbing her hands in his as he dances her to a set of goblins who grab the girl and bounce around with her. Her sobs turning into giggles as goblin after goblin take turns dancing around the room with her singing with the king who also dances with them.

Back to a poor mother worried sick about her small child

Hearing Evie's cries I head towards the castle as fast as I can, but everything looks the exact same. Looking through my pockets I pull out kid lipstick from Evie's play makeup set "This is just going to have to work thank you Evie for sneaking things into my pockets" putting an X in the direction I was going next. Wait I've already gone this way? Didn't I? Turning around was another dead end "Wait wasn't this clear just a second ago? "

"No that was always a dead end " turning back the dead end I had just been at now showed two doors with dog like things? But there were four. One on the top and one upside down " how am I supposed to find Evie if everything in this damned labyrinth keeps changing " as the two dogs look at each other and back at me as if it was stupid to ask them

"Well there's only one way out of here and it's through one of these doors" " But one them leads straight to the castle at the center of the labyrinth and the other leads to… Certain death" the one below him added some noise for drama which was silly but not fun "So can you tell me which is which"

" uh we don't know" looking at them dumbfounded. That really had worked for me so far " But they do" the pair on the bottom say to the top " So can you tell me?" Shaking their heads "No you can't ask us, you can only ask one of us" nodding along the blue one quickly jumped in" yes, it's in the rules….but i should warn you, one of us always tells the truth and one of us always lies that's a rule too, he always lies" I'm sorry? As they argued I try thinking of how to loophole all of this.

Maybe I could tell the hot goblin king I liked his unique hair? "Oh! Would the blue one tell me that this door leads to the castle?" Looking at each other then back at me " Um yes?" Ok I think I can figure this out "So that means this door leads to death and his leads to the castle? No? "

"How do ya know that? He could be telling the truth" " Yes but then you would be lying and the doors would still be the same" walking towards the blue door getting ready to push it " See it works no matter what, you always go to the right" pushing it felt really good knowing I would soon be at the castle but really I should have known that nothing in the place makes any sense

Falling down the dark hole with a bunch of rough hands grabbing at you. Only to hold on with a rough grip just to let go. Pleading calling for anyone to help you from falling

" Who are you calling for" anyone really "I just don't want to fall down" it's like the stuff of nightmares, bathed in darkness with only the dim light from where I fell through " We are helping" it's grip hurting my wrist and my ankles "We're helping hands" there's laughing all around me again. Shivers are sent up my spine at the creepy way the hands keep forming faces "You're hurting me" the hands lessen their grip just slightly "Would you like us to let go"

Then before I can say no I'm falling again "No No Please" then I'm still once again "Which way would you like to go" looking around it's either up or down "Like going down?" Before I can think of what I've said there's laughing again "You chose down" more of that god awful laughing "Wait what do you mean" I say in a panic "She chose down?" As I go to grab any of the hands to stop myself from falling

falling down twice as fast as before. The nails of the hands digging into my skin cutting me before letting go and just as fast as the panic comes and swarms my mind I hit the ground with a dull thud.

And with that the second part to this story is done. This one has been done for a long time but I really wanted to make sure that I felt like this part worked well enough as the last chapter that really followed the og script.

And yes sorry this chapter is small I kinda wanted to get out of the per set stuff and into the angst and stress of the other ones.

The next one will have theme's of claustrophobia and overs but that one is hopefully going to be out way sooner than this one.

And there will hopefully be more Jareth and his pov.

But really this story will now mostly be it's own timeline and have its own kinda world building with characters. But it will keep to the og world that the labyrinth takes place in.

[thehyperrequiem]

Labyrinth (Thehypercutter Style) Cast

“Princess Cookie is given thirteen hours to solve a labyrinth and rescue her baby dragon Snapdragon Cookie when her wish for them to be taken away is granted by the Bizarre King Yoshikage Kira.”

Princess Cookie (Cookie Run) as Sarah Williams

Moe (The Simpsons) as Hoggle

Yoshikage Kira (Jjba) as Jareth the Goblin King

Killer Queen (Jjba) as Itself/Jareth’s Cat

Snapdragon Cookie (Cookie Run) as Toby Williams

Royalberry Cookie (Cookie Run) as Robert Williams

Jungleberry Cookie (Cookie Run) as Irene Williams

Emporio (Jjba) as himself/Sarah’s Guide

Lovely Sweetieflies (Bugsnax) as The Fairies

Seismo (Mixels) as Ludo

The Scotsman (Samurai Jack) as Sir Didymus

Pumbaa (Disney) as Ambrosis

Elder Faerie Cookie (Cookie Run) as The Wiseman

Fairy Cookie (Cookie Run) as The Wiseman’s Hat

Rootle (Bugsnax) as The Worm

The Negati (Balan Wonderworld) as The Fireys

Matcha Cookie (Cookie Run) as The Junk Lady

Faun Cruller, Otto Meatallis, Headbutt Forsythe, and Tincan Zanotto (Psychonauts) as The Four Guards

Risotto Nero and Metallica (Jjba) as The Helping Hands

Mario Zucchero and Sale (Jjba) as the Left and Right Door Knockers

Various Minor Antagonists (Jjba) as The Goblins

[sophieswundergarten]

Labyrinth (1986) MBS

@itsgoghtime You're in this with me (If you'd like to be)

Roles to fill:

Sarah

Jareth

Hoggle

Ludo

Sir Didymus

Toby

The Worm

The Doorknockers

The Wiseman/The Hat

Assorted Fierys/Goblins

The main question is whether we want the focus to be the kids or the adults. Because while I can see the merit of it being a kind of team of four going to defeat an evil ruler, the driving force of the plot is a sibling relationship

[unwelcome-ozian]

Hey Oz,

Labyrinth programming a thing? One of my alters is the same age as Sarah from the movie, 16- striking resemblance to her. I havent spoke to her in a bit, it feels like she was "moved away" (feels like my inner world can move like a Rubik's cube, almost)

She lives in a huge library of maze that looks a lot like the last part in the film when she's trying to find Toby her little brother. Just like that but mixed with a library.

I looked through your tags and couldn't find anything related, if you know about roles/characters there could be if it exists I would be incredibly appreciative. (I'm in my 30s and the Labyrinth has been one of my favourite films since childhood).

Thank you

Yes, the movie Labyrinth has been used as a programming script.

Jareth–He will be a deep level alter. “The King” or “The Goblin King”.

Sarah Williams–She will be in a mid level and can ‘float’ from the top level to mid level.

Toby Williams-Will be where programming occurs internally. As a young part he will have a lot of system information.

Hoggle–Top level misinformation alter.

Ludo–System protector

Sir Didymus and Ambrosius–A yin and yang combination.

The Worm–(and his wife) They know the way through labyrinths and are kind.

The Wise Man–He will be deep inside the system.

The Four Guards–Alph, Ralph, Jim, and Tim.–They are two sets of identical twins. They will guard doors, and other passageways.

The Door Knockers–One door will lead to a safe place, the other door will not when these knockers are on internal doors.

The Fire Gang–internal spies, and messengers found on all levels.

The Junk Lady–Can be an introject of a female abuser.

The Goblin Corps–will guard smaller doors, punish alters who don’t follow the expectations of the system, and will cause issues if the system breached by a credible source.

Oz

[greeneyezblackheart]

The movie felt like a fever dream lol. But I loved David Bowie (and his insanely tight pants) in it! Jennifer Connolly is so beautiful. My favorite scenes are the worm scene, the ballroom scene, and the scene where Sarah and Hoggle are in the tunnel and they run in to Jareth. I loved every Bowie/Jareth scene. I would do unspeakable things for Sarah's ballroom gown and hairstyle, oh my gosh

The ballroom scene is my favorite part. That song, As the World Falls Down is my favorite Bowie song.

LOVE IT!!

Omg I love Labyrinth so much. I’ve been watching it my whole life. They just recently did a special showing of it here at one of the theaters in town to celebrate the 35th anniversary of the movie. My friend and I went to it. I loved being able to see it in the movie theater.

My friend got me this awesome pillow. 🖤

[exhaustedstripper]

Dear Diary - 3.13.23

I used to joke that I only did pole and acro tricks at the club if I was making enough on my stage set to cover a bottle of ibuprofen.

After 5 hours, I walked with 80 bucks and a backache that absolutely was not worth it. My very mormon gymnastics coaches would probably keel over and simultaneously roll their knowing eyes to learn I'd become a stripper. Or would they say..."who again?"

Jokes on you Jen, I can still do back-walkovers. I do them over the stage ledge, landing my ankles softly onto the shoulders of whatever lucky patron I have deemed is least likely to try to touch me or think I genuinely see something in them under that red light. Then I pretzel fold myself into a short series of contortion movies and the crowd either sees god in this contorted pussy or they are so beaten down by their own day that they cannot appreciate the work that goes into folding oneself into an appetizer for their amusement at 1 dollar a song per person.

Since it was an abysmally slow night, I tried to make the most of it by trying fernet, a recommendation from every bartender under the sun. I have tried, multiple times to make good with Fernet, but no more after tonight. Drinking fernet is an uppity bartender thing and I'll not be convinced otherwise.

It's liking sucking down spruce cum only the spruce had a diet of bong rips alone. (What are you trying to prove, bartenders?!)

But, sometimes my shift is slow enough for my to question my reality and try fernet again. A shift so slow that I feel safe to subject the audience to my fantasy set.

Underground by David Bowie, 5:57

Star Wars - Cantina Band - Epic Version by Alala, 2:24

Never Ending Story by Limahl, 3:30

All of these songs are on Spotify. You're welcome.

The fantasy set is not a smattering of randomly selected pieces. Each song is plucked from a movie popularized about 10 years before I'd discover them. (My taste in film/music was delayed due to my growing up poor and only having access to what my dad deemed was good entertainment...i.e. his childhood movies).

Underground, from Labyrinth, one of my all-time favorite films. It has everything. A dry humored British worm, handling life in the labyrinth in the most British way humanly possible. Oh, lost a baby have we? Come squeeze your gargantuan human lady body into my worm-house and hang with my worm family. Drink some tea.

Then we've got Hoggle, who is so rough and tumble until bribed with the correct accessories - arguably the most relatable character in the film. Knows the monarch is a sadistic prick, doesn't want to tangle with said monarch for obvious reasons, does not want to hang out with a whiny human girl, tired of walking, understands that faeries are bad news. Hoggle gets it.

Here is where I acknowledge that Sarah exists. And that's about the nicest thing I have to say about her.

Toby, the baby. Excellent acting for a baby. Smiled a lot, that can't have been easy to manage seeing as though he was surrounded by Henson Goblin puppets and those things were horrifyingly ugly.

Then - the bulge himself. Bowie.

To be clear, Bowie in Labyrinth was not my sexual awakening. In a cruel twist of fate, that prize goes to Will Smith in Independence Day (I hate aliens and anything alien related, but this is a story for another time). But Bowie was a close second. The androgynous look of the Goblin King spoke to me in a way that confused me at the time. I liked him because he was simultaneously masc and femme. To this day, when I see anybody dressed as the Goblin King or a man who is comfortable being femme, I am turned on. I am here for it. Eyeliner? Yes. Shiny pants? Absolutely yes. The mullet? Please dear god let my half white trash roots have their dream.

Honorable mention to Bluto. You are so cute. I know you do not actually exist but if you did, I would send you fan mail. You precious gift to this world. I'm sorry those Napoleon complex goblins bullied you. You deserved better.

My unending devotion to Labyrinth aside - the song Underground happens to be 5:57. This is far too long for a strip club song, ideally you want to aim for the 3-4 minute mark. And, ideally, you want to choose songs that...are sexy. But lucky for me, I have a day job and really work that Manic Pixie Dream Girl angle so people lose their shit when I pull crap like this. People pay me for my whimsy, not just my ass and titties. Anyway it's basically a 6 minute song, which I chose on purpose.

For one thing, the intro takes 19 seconds to welcome Bowie's unmistakeable voice. The song is familiar enough to enough people, without being overplayed or "rediscovered" to where they always stop for a second, letting the memory register. You can tell who loves Labyrinth by who cheers first, and who has merely seen it more than they care to confess by the time it hits them during the chorus at 0:54, at which point they no knowingly as if they knew all along (posers). The song itself is jaunty, and while you may think it's hard to make it sexy, it's got a decent flow that allows for a variety of dance styles that are fun and less physically demanding. The length of the song allows for the girl ahead of me, who is leaving the stage, to gather her tips and me to bop my hips to Bowie's words, by which point people tend to pay attention to some degree. The length of the song ALSO allows me to justify my next choice, sitting in at 2:24 - too short for a strip club song.

Star Wars- Cantina Band - Epic Version by Alala is hands down the best remake of any of the Star Wars songs.

Curiously, the song begins with what we would recognize as the Finale (and yes, I listened to two of the original Star Wars soundtracks, both New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back to verify this). The Finale builds dramatically, full symphony. Again, the customers at the strip club are forced to pay attention - how could they not? There are many things they expect from their night, many things that will leave their expectations unfulfilled but THIS is my gift to them. You may not hold my tits sir, but you may have this ludicrous story to tell to all your friends.

Anyway - the song slips into the famous Cantina Band, a saucy, dance version of it that you can't help but bop to. A repeat of the Cantina band hits, a scoshe faster, bolder before a sudden but tactful fade into the finale. I'm not even that big of a Star Wars person, but the mix is brilliant, and it makes me smile. Therefore it lives on the fantasy set.

Having evened out my general time between songs 1 and 2, I am free to end my set in an admittedly less impactful, but still deserving song - The Neverending Story.

Re-popularized in recent years by Stranger Things, I gift my unsuspecting crowd another memory. I use the legato notes to shift into poses on the pole, so as Limahl blissfully breaks into "Neverending Storyyyyyyyy" I am shifting into whatever move it is where I hinge my right knee and hang stretched below it. I can achieve a number of shapes here, and transition into my superman. A move that is marvelously difficult and painful to hold and yet NOBODY ever is impressed. Please understand, you hold your body weight horizontally across the pole by your thighs alone, you hand does jack shit.

The set may sound ridiculous to you, and frankly, it is. But sometimes, you go to work after working your full-time day job, and you walk away with $80 bucks in your pocket and you have to carve out a win for yourself with something just a little absurd.

[thenewnio]

Should I make another self-insert/Disney Crossover AU, this time of Labyrinth?

Cast:

Sarah: Grace (me)

Toby: Elke (A girl I knew who sadly passed away, alive and my baby sister for this story)

Jareth: Hans (Frozen)

Hoggle: Iago (Aladdin)

Ludo: Kevin (Up)

Sir Didymus: Mr. Centipede (James and the Giant Peach)

Ambrosius: B.E.N. (Treasure Planet)

Worm: Sir Hiss (Robin Hood)

The Four Guards: Flotsam and Jetsam (The Little Mermaid) and Pain and Panic (Hercules)

Wiseman and Hat: Coco (Pixar film of the same name) and the crow (Brave)

Door Knockers: Timon and Pumbaa (The Lion King)

The Fire Gang: King Louie and monkeys (The Jungle Book)

Junk Lady: Witch (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)

Goblins: Henchmen (Sleeping Beauty)

The Labyrinth: Wonderland (Alice in Wonderland)