#I LOVE WHEN A BEAUTIFUL FAT MAN TELLS ME TO DO SOMETHING . WHATEVER YOU SAY GORGEOUS ☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽

[cupiidzbow]

sorry for this being like the fourth time you seen me post this lina @linaharutaka but my heart is happy and warm and im crazy and you made him so gorgeous thank you soso much . AUUGHUHHHHGH

[trashogram]

He Chose You (Pt. 8)

Lucifer/Reader: Lucifer chooses you to be the mother of his child. Rated E.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

The illness persists in the weight of your skin over your bones yet the loss of actual muscle and fat that turn you skeletal. Your legs become bow-like and pain radiates just above your hairline. Your vision crackles with scattered flashes of black dots, and you drink like a man lost in the desert. 

Only foods that are red stay down, and even then you only nibble at peppers and plug your nose at the raw meat you stuff in your mouth. You feel the sunlight outside your window when you open it up and stick your hand through, as walking out of your apartment is a chore you can only handle once a week at most. 

Once a homebody, reclusive out of necessity and exhaustion from simple interactions, you now live for Lucifer’s chatter. His presence abates your fever, physically and emotionally. The dependence on him, as sweet as he appears, makes you itch inside. 

Everything is terrible, you tell yourself at least once per day, as the illness persists. 

But if Lucifer is good at anything, it’s providing you with distractions from the ever-present suffering.

—

The sounds you made put the Angelic Choir to shame. 

“Lucifer, don’t say that!”

The King of Hell’s laugh was muffled as he stayed buried in your cunt. The memory of you being so flustered was almost just as sweet. 

He eyed your tightly screwed expression just over your growing belly, and felt gratified at his idea to have you propped up by pillows from head to hips. With the boost, Lucifer could watch you enjoy yourself and remain comfortable. 

Let him feel the springs of your mattress dig into his knees and stomach. They were secondary to the pain of his own hardness straining in his slacks. 

A keen from you, and the feeling of your nails as they raked through his hair and over his scalp, had Lucifer moaning. His eyes rolled back, momentarily blinded by euphoria. 

“Ooh!” 

Eyes snapping open, Lucifer lifted himself from the bed quickly. His tongue slipped out of you, dripping onto the sheets when he was mindless to reeling it back in.

“Why’d you stop?” Your whine between quick pants made him blink.

One eye at a time. 

“I thought I hurt you.” He smiled, sheepishly, once his tongue was back in his mouth. 

His mauve-lids and golden lashes fluttered when you wiped the slick from his chin. There was no missing the color that had returned to your cheeks with all the exertion he was putting you through, and he felt a swell of pride at being able to breathe life back into you. So to speak. 

“Heaven help me.” You said, sarcastically. 

Breathlessly.

The Devil’s hips jerked when your hand rose to grip a fistful of his blond hair. You manually lowered him back between your legs, heedless to the way his entire frame shivered.

— 

‘I think I… I think I’m in love with her.’ Lucifer looked so earnest, meeting the glow of Ozzie’s stare. 

The Sin clucked a tongue in his King’s direction, shaking his head. ‘Well, don’t tell her that. You’re gonna scare her away, man.’ 

—

Lucifer watched you fall apart from just his tongue (its length and width being inhuman notwithstanding). 

You were so beautiful like this. Legs shaking, body spasming, letting go.

‘I love you.’ 

Man’s (alleged) Greatest Enemy could just barely contain himself. 

‘I love you I love you I love you’ 

—

Lucifer brings you another scroll one sunny day, and you find it riddled with names. 

“I’ve been thinking about what to call him or her, so I made a list! …Kinda, sorta during a meeting… whatever, it wasn’t that important!” 

Oh, you could see that. 

“Do you like any of them? Which are your favorites? No! Gimme your top 5!” His jubilation is so innocent, but something inside you hitches. 

“Does it actually matter what I think?” You chuckled. 

“Of course it does!” He cried. “You’re the mo— uh… you’re putting in most of the work!”

The weak save went unchallenged. You were already circling names, likening the process to navigating a minefield as you looked through a long line of names you couldn’t even pronounce or read. 

‘Ehb 

Horus

Azor 

Carlton’

“What about a girl?” Lucifer asked out of the blue. 

Your head cocked to the side as you realized your picks had been relegated to just one side of the endless list. That he’d written down names for boys and for girls struck you as odd. 

 “You think it’ll be a girl?” 

Lucifer looked at you with a curious gaze. “Could be, couldn’t it?”

After a moment, you shrugged. “I guess so…” 

The King’s confusion crinkled around his eyes and caused an uncanny few lines in his otherwise perfect forehead. You flick the pen at him teasingly to wipe the look from his face.

You write a few names down, and watch with a smirk as his frown turns upside down. 

‘Adrienne 

Charlotte

Maleficent’

You ignored the painful thought that this was a pointless endeavor. Naming a dead thing.

—

With eyebrows raised, you sat waiting dutifully, hands clasped over your stomach while he rummaged through the box. 

“Aha!” He pulled out two red objects, one in each hand, and knee’d the chest out of the way to present them to you.

“Surprise!”

Two remarkably crafted stuffed animals were set before you on the couch cushion. 

Goats. 

It took you a second to place them, staring at their intricate appearances — covered in fluffy red fur from head to cloven hoof, with large yellow eyes and tiny red smiles stitched on their stark white muzzles. 

Shiny, metallic-looking horns curled over the curvature of their little heads, tips almost touching the tiny approximations of wings protruding from their backs. You noticed that the little wings were also sticking out of the backs of their tiny tuxedo suits; solid black to further contrast their Luciferean color schemes. 

An uncharacteristically high-pitched squeal escaped you. 

Damn these hormones. You internally chastised yourself while reaching out to finger at the detailed plushies. 

“They’re so cute!” You admired the unbelievable softness of one’s fur, hand overlapping with Lucifer’s as you turned it this way and that. His grin was so wide in your peripheral vision as he soaked up your fawning.

“Aren’t they?!” Lucifer squealed along with you. “They’re twins! But see this one has lighter fur and this one has sharper eyes. I tried to give them little differences so they had some individuality.” 

“Michael and I looked so similar in the Beginning, a ton of people always got us mixed up. Sometimes it was fun, but I got tired of hearing him bitch about it after the first couple centuries.”

A more serene countenance overtook your counterpart, with his line of sight drifting off to the floor beside you. Lost in thought. Or perhaps reminiscing. 

“Michael?” You asked gently. 

“My brother.” Lucifer replied. 

“Ohh, I think I remember… is he a Prince of Hell too?” 

The formerly Divine man frowned. “… No. Not him.”

A shadow fell over you both, distant sadness suffusing the air. You reached for him instantly, only for Lucifer to switch on like a lightbulb and grin manically. 

“Oh well! Who knows, maybe he took Dad’s side just to make sure no one ever confused us for each other ever again!” 

You pulled away. “… right.” 

Lucifer shook his head after a glance in your direction. 

“Um, so, I was thinking…” He began. “Maybe we give one to the baby an-nd… one could stay here… with you…” 

There was no hiding the confusion that crossed your face. 

You ‘tsk’ed. “You wanna deny the baby half this cuteness?” 

In response, Lucifer tittered, still adamant on looking around the room instead of meeting your gaze head on. “Hah, no. I was thinking that, maybe, we could keep one of them here and… and then they could reunite every time the baby and I… or just the baby… visit…”

Slow realization made your already weak constitution roil. 

Perhaps, if you’d been yourself and not the hollow shell of a person you’d become while pregnant, you would’ve been angry. Or upset enough to shout. Maybe you would’ve gotten up and left him there on his lonesome, wordlessly demanding he not entertain that idea ever again. 

Certainly, the You from before this insane, impossible scenario wouldn’t hesitate to react melodramatically. 

You sighed, fiddling with one of the goat’s tails. “Oh Lou…” 

He cringed beneath the weight of your words, laden with a heaviness that harshened his already guilty conscience. 

“Wait, before you say no —” Lucifer felt his mouth running away from him. “Maybe you could think about it and then decide? Maybe after they’re born?”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything. I don’t expect anything from you.” 

“You’re expecting me to be its mother.” Your tone broke no room for argument. 

Mauve eyelids drooped as Lucifer looked down in shame. “I — ”

“I wouldn’t make a good mom.” Your statement stopped him in his tracks. 

Frustration simmered in Lucifer, slowly creeping into his expression as you continued, unrelenting. His posture went rigid, hands beginning to clench at his sides.

“It’s not that I don’t care. I probably care too much, actually.” You admitted.

It was true. Regardless of your paranoia and how justified it was or not, the sole basis for why you felt the need to argue in the first place —

(And wasn’t that just pathetic? You had feelings for the Epitome of Evil and had entertained being safe and happy with him) 

— the reality was that you’d been a broken human being before this cosmic impossibility entered your life. 

“I just don’t…” You sighed. “I wouldn’t be a good part of their life if I was in it.” 

Your head whipped up, vision spotting when Lucifer blurted:

“You are the best part of my life.” 

He looked angry. Furious. So much so that the sclera around his irises began to radiate a blood-red. 

“Do you know how hard it is? To leave you? I have to convince myself every single time that you’ll still be here when I return!” Lucifer claimed. “And soon I won’t even be able to do that!” 

“I don’t want to say goodbye forever! I… I l…” 

You shuddered, stiffening in your seat. As soon as he realized, Lucifer’s display was cowed. 

“Fuck, are you alright? I’m not — I don’t know what came over me!”

You shook your head. “No.” 

“It stopped.” You whispered. 

Lucifer’s grip trembled around your wrists. “Stopped?”

His breathless echo of your words drew your eyes up. You saw the storm brewing in his ruby eyes, as even though he waited for you to elaborate, a million thoughts pelting at his brain like hail. 

“The pain stopped.” You said. 

Your hands felt over the bump beneath your breasts, as if you might find the imaginary ‘off’ button and turn it back on.

It was ludicrous to think about, but you immediately wished for the agony that had been crippling you to return if it meant that this baby wasn’t… wasn’t… 

Tears glistened in your eyes. Lucifer drew you to his chest in spite of the fear that was pulling his shoulders taut. 

“Wh-what did you do today? Anything different?” The ex-Angel asked shakily. 

His eyes scanned you up and down, lingering on the little dolls he’d just gifted you. 

“No… n-no, nothing different.” You said. “I was in bed all morning, and th… then Cass was here and we had tea… we went out and walked a little bit outside.” 

“Did you fall?” The King hedged. 

You gasped, eyes widening. Instinctively your arms wrapped around your middle at the foreign feeling emanating from within. 

“Did…! You fell??” He panicked, grabbing onto you like a life raft. “Where? On what?!”

His words drifted away as you were enveloped in the strangest surge of feeling you’d ever experienced. 

You could only just muster up the energy to shake your head. 

Sudden warmth. 

And pressure. 

A tiny flutter, one you’d never felt before. 

You inhaled quickly yet deeply at the feeling of something pressing against your belly-button from the inside. 

It made you grin, hands coming back to grab for Lucifer’s own and to pull them to your stomach. “They’re alive!” 

The man’s jaw went slack, staring sightlessly for just as long as it took to soak up the sudden heat there. The baby took pity on its poor, trembling father and kicked again. 

It was Lucifer’s turn to gasp, looking back and forth between you and the bump with dawning awe. 

“It is!” He laughed, a tad bit hysterically. “It — they are alive!” 

“… And… glowing…”

“You’re glowing!”

*** Tag List: @crescent-z, @for-hearthand-home, @undertale-is-sansational, @loslox, @navierkalani, @yaimlight, @ivoryviness, @crystalplays28, @flowerempress, @wally-darling-hyperfixation, @altruisticradiodemon, @moonlight-readings, @halparkebitch, @charliecharlie65, @sockgoblin, @cocomollo, @caniseethefourthsword, @squeegeeclean, @crow-twink, @an-emovision, @marydragneell, @lafy-taffy, @fandom-imagines1, @loquacious-libra, @glowymxxn, @avadakadabra93, @froggybich, @hamthepan, @ukor02, @adaizel, @boogiemansbitch, @vinillies, @lbcreations-blog, @thesoundresoundsecho, @serenity-loves-red, @alientee

[farfromstrange]

Just Let Me Love You | Matt Murdock x Reader

Masterlist

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Reader (f!Reader heavily implied)

Summary: You're struggling with your body image and Matt notices

Warnings: Angst, TW: allusions to an ED, self-deprecating talk (Reader has internalized fatphobia toward herself), not proof red (I was too emotional for that)

Word Count: 2.1k

A/n: So, my body is changing and I hate it. As someone who was the Fat Funny Friend growing up, I got inspired by the song. Now I wasn't sure if to tag for a plus-sized reader because when I wrote this, I had myself in mind, and I'm not even sure what "category" I fall into, so this is pretty universal and I think any of you who are struggling with body dysmorphia might appreciate this. Heed the warnings before proceeding and don't forget to eat if you haven't already! (Also, I used my tag list to tag for this, but don't read it if this triggers you, please!)

Our brains are wired to function in a certain way. But not every brain is balanced in chemistry. 

For the longest time, she thought there was something seriously wrong with her. She never fit in anywhere, so she tried to make herself fit. Change her attitude, change her behavior, change her hobbies, and change the way she looks. She did it so many times, she lost count. 

She relied on humor, telling funny little anecdotes to make whatever friend group she was a part of at the time laugh at her. But that was all she could do. Make them laugh. She lit up the mood, lit up the room, but she seemingly never lit up anyone’s heart the way her friends did. 

They talked about their relationships, talked about their families and friends, and she played along. She listened. When she talked about her likes, they pretended to care, but within minutes, they lost interest. She thought it just wasn’t that important. Not as important as how beautiful they all were, anyway. And they were striking, she thought. That’s why everyone always chose them and never approached her. But she swallowed it to at least be a part of something. 

She always helped everyone but herself. She was there when no one else was, but even when she was a part of something, she never fully fit in. There was an impossible standard looming over her head, and she couldn’t possibly reach it. 

Don’t be too loud. Don’t be too silly. Don’t say no. Don’t talk about your problems, only listen to everyone else’s. Don’t believe that he wants you because he is too good for you, and all he wants is your best friend who is ten times prettier than you. And don’t believe that personality and humor will get you anywhere; you will end up miserably alone the same way people who look like you always will. 

The same voice, over and over again. Word turning into knives. It was exhausting to fight against the demons within her because they just sounded so damn convincing. 

When she met him, the man who stole her heart, she never thought he would ask her out. When he did, she was dumbfounded. In every possible situation, he found himself assuring her that he wouldn’t drop her for the pretty blonde in the office, or his psychotic ex-girlfriend who just happened to have the most beautiful body known to man. To her, at least. Everyone around him was just so beautiful, and he was even more so–he was the prettiest specimen in the world, and everyone desired him. Of course, she grew insecure. She couldn’t help it. It was a reflex.

She fell in love with a man who finally saw her for who she was and he loved her despite—no, he loved her regardless. For who she was. He took her, accepted her, and began seeing her as the most beautiful person in the world. For the first time, she felt appreciated, loved, and not so miserably alone. 

Yet, the fear continued to linger. The fear that one day, he would notice that perhaps, a woman of average looks wouldn’t be enough for him anymore. That she was, indeed, as unconventionally unattractive as everyone said she was from the first day she actually understood what was being said to her. She was just a child then. 

The funny friend. The awkward friend. The weird one. The girl without real friends. The girl with the silly clothes, the silly smile, the slightly crooked teeth, the belly pouch… The girl who lost weight, the girl who gained weight, and the girl who shouldn’t be so proud of herself because she had nothing to be proud of. 

“Sweetheart?” he asked her, yanking her out of the downward spiral that only continued to get worse over time. “Did you have anything to eat yet?”

He stood in the kitchen, the sleeves of his dress shirt bunched around his elbow. It was hot outside, too hot for her liking, and even his clothes were slightly stained with sweat. 

She looked up from the couch, still wrapped up in a blanket despite the high temperatures, a book resting on her thighs. He met her eyes with a smile. 

“I noticed your leftovers are still in the fridge. Could smell them,” he clarified. “I was just wondering whether that was on purpose or not.”

Worrying fit it better, she thought to herself. He always worried too much. 

She closed her book. “I might’ve forgotten,” she said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. 

His eyebrows furrowed. “You forgot?” There was a hint of amusement in his voice, but it never reached his eyes. 

“Yeah. I probably got too caught up reading or something. It’s no big deal. I’ll eat later. Or drink another latte.”

He hummed. “You know, iced coffee is not considered a healthy diet. Your body needs fuel.”

“Jesus Christ, Matt,” she raised her voice, “I’m okay!”

“You don’t look okay,” he stated as a matter of fact. 

“And how would you know?”

“I just do.”

He approached, his muscles straining against his shirt. It wasn’t fair, how good he looked. How well he carried himself. And he still had the audacity to look at her and tell her she had much more going for herself than just her humor. That she was beautiful. Pretty enough. 

“Hey,” Matt lowered himself on the couch beside her, “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, huh?”

“I forgot to eat, I told you,” she said.

“I don’t believe you.”

“But it’s the truth.”

“Not if you did it on purpose.”

The book landed on the coffee table and she got up, pacing the small space of their shared apartment in the heart of Hell’s Kitchen. He could hear her heartbeat pounding against her ribcage, the pent-up tears, and the tension, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out. But he waited. He gave her the space she needed to collect her thoughts.

“I forgot,” she repeated. “At first. And then I just happened to pass by a mirror and…and I looked at myself. I mean, really looked at myself.”

“Oh–” He sighed. “Baby…”

“I’m smaller when my stomach is empty, you know. And I thought it wouldn’t hurt me to, uh…cut back a little?”

He was about to respond, but she cut him off. “I don’t mean that I’m starving myself. I just…I forgot to eat, and then, when I remembered, I remembered what I saw and I was just…I’m not hungry anymore. I…I don’t think it’s a big deal. I’m not doing it on purpose, I’m just…”

She stopped pacing. She met his unfocused hazel eyes that held so much pain when he looked at her. He reached out, not saying a word, and she extended her shaky fingers toward the lifeline he was throwing. 

“Oh, God,” she whispered. She realized then why he looked so hurt. “It’s getting bad again, isn’t it?”

The question hung in the room as he pulled her toward himself. 

She didn’t protest when he pulled her back onto the couch, his arms engulfing her and pulling her back against his sturdy chest.

“What makes you think that you need to hurt yourself to fit some unrealistic beauty standard?” he asked softly, his voice merely a breath tickling her ear. 

She whimpered, not wanting to answer. 

“What makes you think that not being healthy is the solution to the way you see yourself? Wouldn’t that just make it worse?”

“I just…” She took a deep breath. “I just… I just want to be enough.”

“But you are enough,” he answered in a heartbeat, placing his hand on her neck and turning her face to him. He missed her face with his gaze, but she could still feel him in every fiber of her being as he sat there and felt her pulse, and she matched her breathing to his. 

A tear rolled down her cheek. “You don’t understand what it’s like,” she whispered back. “You don’t understand what it’s like to be only seen as the comedic relief in every relationship you have ever been in while your friends pulled the guys you wanted. Because they never wanted you, and they never saw competition in you either because you were just never the center of anyone’s attention.”

He was silent for a moment. The taste of her tears reached his tongue, and he visibly recoiled at the pain she held inside of her. Matt pulled her closer, holding her a little tighter. She melted. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity of leaving her to deal with her thoughts, he placed his lips against her ear again. “You’re the center of my attention,” he said. “Of my world. My universe. And I couldn’t care less about the way you look.”

“That’s because you’re blind,” she shot back, a sob rippling through her body. 

He shook his head. “No. Those who reduce you to your looks are blind, and they don’t even deserve you in the first place. What matters most is this–” his large hand found its way onto the left side of her chest, above her heart. “What’s in here is what makes you beautiful, not what covers the outside.”

“But that’s not enough, is it?”

“To me, it is.”

“Not to me, Matthew. Like I said, you don’t get it.”

She struggled against his grip, but he wouldn’t let her go. “Then let me rephrase it,” he tried again, pressing his hand further against her chest. “I care more about who you are inside because I love you. But I don’t need sight to appreciate your physical beauty along with the sound of your heartbeat. Your breathing. Your touch. You know why?”

She shook her head. “Enlighten me.”

“Because I can feel you, sweetheart, and you are the most breathtaking human being I have ever had the pleasure of laying my hands on.”

If words were enough to make a person pass out, this would surely have been her breaking point. 

“You mean that?” She turned around, her tears now glistening with a taste of hope. 

He brushed them away with his thumb and nodded. “Every last word.”

Her eyes fluttered closed at the ghost of his touch. “I don’t like my body,” the admission came quietly.

In response, Matt nodded. “I know, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. That body deserves to be loved. You deserve to be loved.”

“I feel like…like I don’t deserve you. I don’t want you to leave me for…for Karen.”

The mention of her name caused him to frown. “Karen?” he asked. She nodded. He sighed, forcing her head to his chest, forcing her to listen to his heartbeat the same way he always did to her. “Don’t even think like that,” he told her. “I would never leave you for someone else. For no one, for nothing. I need you to stop assuming that, sweetheart. It’s not true.”

“It feels true,” she cried. 

His lips brushed the crown of her head. “But it isn’t.”

“But–”

“I love you,” he said, a bit more insistent this time. “Only you. I would rather die than never be with you again. And I mean that. Bring me the poison and I’ll prove it to you. I’ll get on my knees and worship the ground you walk on if that’ll make you believe me, but I won’t leave you.”

She clung to him, her nails digging into his shirt. Matt shushed her, his fingers brushing through her hair. The rhythm was soothing. 

She sobbed until she had nothing left to give. She cried because she knew he was right. She knew she was overthinking, but she was powerless to fight it. He was the only one who could open her eyes, and even then, she more often than not slipped away. She hated it. She hated the way her brain was wired, the things she was taught, and the things she continuously and wrongly kept teaching herself. 

Eventually, though, she slacked in his arms. 

“I don’t really like myself right now,” she confessed. “But I don’t know how to stop it.”

Matt chuckled softly, his chest rumbling. He tilted her chin up. “Then let me help you,” he said. 

“How?” she asked. 

He leaned down, his lips brushing against hers in a gentle kiss. “Just let me love you.” 

Tagging from Matt Murdock Tag List: @acharliecoxedfan @gpenguin666 @linamarr @itwasthereaminuteago @mattkinsella @norestfortheshelbywicked @yarrystyleeza @littlenerdyravenclaw @ravenclaw617 @thychuvaluswife @schneeflocky @imjustcal @pipsqueakkitten

[themuselesswriter]

A Day in a Demon Pig's Life

Characters: Fat Nugget, Angel Dust, Husk, mention of Cherri Bomb and Valentino

Summary: Fat Nuggets tries to describe a day in his life

Word count: 1046

Warnings: implied abuse, implied slavery, implied prostitution

A/N: so... I did something instead of sleeping .-.

Credits: photos from Pinterest, editing app is picsart

----------------------------------------------------------

I woke up at the sound of Angel preparing to leave, he was already at the vanity mirror, fixing his looks, he is a beautiful man, I don’t understand why he spends so much time fixing his looks into a perfection, practicing different smiles and most importantly, wiping all the tears, he seems sad, he always does, although never mean or evil, he never mistreated me so I have that at least. 

I know things were rough for him, I’ve seen how that… Valentino treats him with insignificance, as if he owns him, I heard Angel say a couple of times that he did own him, partially, and that he hates what he has to do for him, that he hates being touched and violated by him and everyone else on the set, which I didn’t understand at all.

I mean, I understand that he owns him, it means he looks after him right? Like the way Angel owns me and takes care of me, maybe he’s a bad owner? Maybe he doesn’t fill his bowl with food before he leaves or doesn’t take him on enough walks? Or doesn’t pet him? But the rest I don’t understand though, he usually mumbles this stuff while he’s calling Cherri on the phone while sobbing.

He noticed that I was awake so he walked to me and put on a genuine smile, a smile that I’ve only noticed around a couple of people, me, Cherri, and the bartender, what was his name? Husk! Yeah, I think his name is Husk, anyhow, he scratches behind my ears and I roll and do some tricks for him which seems to cheer him up, I earned a giggle from him “such a good boy” he tells me and kisses my head and leaves. 

The rest of the day is pretty dull, I eat, sleep, explore, play with Razzle and Dazzle, spy on the egg boys and repeat. 

It was almost midnight when Angel returned, I was laying on my bed next to his, I lifted my head up and looked at him, he was a mess, he was obviously crying, and he… he seemed hurt, yeah, he had bruises on his body and marks, he laid on bed and curled into himself, sobbing into his pillow, I hopped into his bed and looked at him a little worried, I walked to him and licked his nose, it usually cheers him up but not this time, no, this seemed to make things worse, he pulled me into a hug and kept sobbing, only now he picked up his phone and aggressively started calling Cherri who didn’t answer for whatever reason which only made things worse. 

I was getting beyond worried, I’ve never seen him like this before, he needed someone, not just anyone, someone who he looks at in a loving way, and if it’s not me or Cherri, that leaves us with… I slithered my way out of his grip and went out of his room, he didn’t seem to notice me, I rushed towards the bar where the bird cat resided, drinking from his endless bottle, I squeaked but he didn’t pay me attention, so I hopped on a stool then on the table, he didn’t pay me attention either. 

I saw a couple of glasses on the bar and I had a difficult decision to make, I gulped and ran fast, making all the glasses fall and shatter “hey! You little shit!” he said angrily, I looked at him horrified, I bit his hand, he screamed in pain, he looked at me wickedly, I gulped and ran, he followed me then stopped, I stopped too and looked at him pleadingly, squeaking, he looked at me as if his anger disappeared and instead was replaced with complete confusion, I went to him and bit his pants, trying to drag him, he didn’t move an inch “what do you want you filthy animal” I kept trying to drag him and gesture him towards Angel’s room, eventually he gave up once he saw how persistent I was and decided to follow me, this time, we walked together. 

Once we reached Angel’s door, I opened it enough so I can enter again and he can peak at him, I hopped into Angel’s bed and looked at him pleadingly, he seemed frozen, those demons are idiots, I swear it, I walked to him and bit his pants again, trying to drag him in “I can’t little fella… I… he didn’t invite me” I insisted “what if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he doesn’t want to be seen like this?” he tried to reason but I was hotheaded, I kept desperately trying to drag him inside. 

“Fat Nugget?” I heard Angel’s broken voice calling me, I stopped and turned to look at him, he must’ve seen Husk too because the other’s pupils were wide and he seemed stuck in time, either from embarrassment or from seeing Angel like this “what are you doing here?” he asked Husk “your little rascal shattered my glasses” Husk gulped nervously, Angel seemed disappointed, and let out a little oh, I walked back to Angel and sat next to him, he seemed to have calmed down but he was definitely still in a shaken up state, he sniffs and tries to hide his bruises and traces of tears “well… I’ll get you new ones tomorrow on my way back from work” he said casually, hugging his legs. 

Husk grew a bit bolder as he took a step inside the room “you… you’re okay kid?” he asked Angel who looked at him shocked, their eyes met for a moment, which was more than enough time for Angel to break down into tears again, Husk rushed to him, and we both cuddled him on the bed until he calmed down, Husk being more careful than me as his touches seemed well-studied and hesitant, while me, I kept licking his face and tears away once he laid down in fetus position, it was a rough night for him, that I can tell but by the morning he seemed to be back into his natural self, that’s one of the things I love about him, he always knows how to rebound. 

[chicken-fifi]

Stray Kids Reaction | They Have a Crush on You

Pairing: Stray Kids Members x GN!Reader

Requested by anon: Can you do a headcanon for stray kids and Unrequited love (when they have a fat crush on the reader) (gender neutral please)

Genre: angst

A/n: the pain i felt while writing this. surprisingly enough, i've had a lot of stray kids x crush!reader reactions from many different scenarios (ie. player, shirtless, comfort level, etc.) i would consider this the first one that delves into what they're like when they have a crush.

Bang Chan: Literally a blubbering mess half of the time. Christopher is flustered at the sound of your name so when you’re in front of him, he’s a goner. He’s shaking and stuttering and just can’t seem to get a grip over himself as he tries to hold a conversation with you. The man you see on stage performing and driving everyone nuts, it no where to be found. But there’s no way you would even look at him or spare a glance at the sparkle in your eye. Not when those sparkles belong to Changbin.

“I, I, I, um, sorry! I just- I think I- nevermind.”

Lee Know: Unlike Chris, Minho is able to talk to you comfortably without any problems. Yes he has a massive crush on and does flirt with you openly, but he ends up being heartbroken by how lighthearted you take it. He feels as though you just see him as the weird friend who you can count on to make you laugh and lift up your spirits when you’re down. And he settles with that for a while and then officially when Hyunjin and you are revealed to be dating.

“Did you end up watching the movie you were talking about the other day?”

Changbin: Cheerful and active Changbin uses those two things to try and appeal to you. It does work, eliciting laughs and thoughtful conversations when you’re together. The two of you even end up working out and going on runs together from time to time. Every single time, his heart is beating rapidly as he spends time with you, wondering if you have feelings for him like he has for you. During one of your usual work out sessions he finds out you don’t. How? You suddenly began asking about Jisung and his interests.

“He really likes cheesecake and chocolate cake, but I’m sure whatever you end up getting him he’ll love.”

Hyunjin: Hyujin’s crush on you started the moment you’d listened to all of his worries and gave him good and valid advice. Not once did you judge him for any of his worries, no matter how mundane they may have seemed. He fell hard for you and tried his best to be there for you in your times of need. He listened to your worries, tried to ease any burdens you may be feeling, and attempted to lift your spirits. And then Felix thanked him one day for helping you out when he couldn’t. He’d never been as heartbroken as he was then.

“If you’re somewhere, it’s because you are meant to be there. You told me that yourself, remember?”

Han: In this scenario, we’ll say the two of you bonded over your love for cakes and other sweet/semi sweet pastries. It became part of you guys’ daily routine to go out to various cafes, bakeries, pastry, and dessert shops to try different types of cheese and chocolate cakes to find the best in the city. He’d made up his mind to tell you how he felt the next time the two of you went to a bakery only to be left speechless when you made a comment about asking Seungmin to bring her for your next date.

“Oh, yeah. It does seem suitable for couples, doesn't it?”

Felix: With you being a rather prominent songwriter, it was natural for you and Felix to get close, especially considering the constant presence you held when the group was writing and producing songs for upcoming albums. Something about the way you’re able to write something so beautiful that speaks to him in a song. In short he fell for your way with words and just as he finished building up the courage to ask and entertain the idea that you would accept a possible date, Jeongin comes into the picture in the form of a very comfortable kiss and displays of affection.

“That line you wrote in the other song was incredibly moving. You’re a poet.”

Seungmin: Unlike Chris who gets flustered around you, Seungmin gets a bit more, more reserved, but he doesn’t choke horribly. His shyness when it comes to you is only with words. He won’t say much but he does a lot. He isn’t shy to show he likes you. He passes you salt, napkins, gets you a drink, even casually brings over some snacks without you needing to say a word. He just does it. And while it may come across as him simply being a good host or dinner mate, he doesn’t do it out of obligation, he does it because he wants to. But then Christopher starts doing those things when you’re around and he adds a particular word in front of his questions, “Love?”

“I didn’t know you two were seeing each other. Is this a recent development?”

I.N: Another shy person, but this time shy and flustered. Jeongin is already a pretty clumsy person, add you into the mix and he’s falling and tripping everywhere. He can’t help but crush even harder on you as you constantly help him and worry over him. It’s so genuine and you don’t fault him for being human. But he notices that that’s as far as you ever go. Helping him. You don’t have deep conversations with him like you do with Minho, and for that he wishes he could’ve been more straightforward.

“Thanks for helping me again. I really do appreciate it.”

[nightswatchdisbandmentera]

PSA: Lyanna Stark was NOT a hypocrite

It’s a little annoying how often ASOIAF fans will misread and purposefully misinterpret Lyanna’s thoughts about Robert’s true nature, as a way to prove that she’s hypocritical (while also absolving Robert from all his faults as a husband/lover).

First, let’s look at that conversation again, shall we? 

“Robert will never keep to one bed,” Lyanna had told him at Winterfell, on the night long ago when their father had promised her hand to the young Lord of Storm’s End. “I hear he has gotten a child on some girl in the Vale.” Ned had held the babe in his arms; he could scarcely deny her, nor would he lie to his sister, but he had assured her that what Robert did before their betrothal was of no matter, that he was a good man and true who would love her with all his heart. Lyanna had only smiled. “Love is sweet, dearest Ned, but it cannot change a man’s nature.”

And we must consider the larger context:

The girl had been so young Ned had not dared to ask her age. No doubt she’d been a virgin; the better brothels could always find a virgin, if the purse was fat enough. She had light red hair and a powdering of freckles across the bridge of her nose, and when she slipped free a breast to give her nipple to the babe, he saw that her bosom was freckled as well. “I named her Barra,” she said as the child nursed. “She looks so like him, does she not, milord? She has his nose, and his hair …”

“She does.” Eddard Stark had touched the baby’s fine, dark hair. It flowed through his fingers like black silk. Robert’s firstborn had had the same fine hair, he seemed to recall.

“Tell him that when you see him, milord, as it … as it please you. Tell him how beautiful she is.”

“I will,” Ned had promised her. That was his curse. Robert would swear undying love and forget them before evenfall, but Ned Stark kept his vows. He thought of the promises he’d made Lyanna as she lay dying, and the price he’d paid to keep them.

- Eddard IX, AGOT

Ned recalls his conversation with Lya as he returns from visiting one of Robert’s bastards. He has just made a promise to tell Robert about the babe and laments that he is a man who honors and keeps his vows. When me promises to do something, he will go through with it.

Furthermore, this scene is framed within the context of Robert being a liar. He will swear one thing and then immediately perform actions that directly contradict whatever oaths he has made. Robert would say that he loves Lyanna and would remain faithful to her, and only her, but then would immediately go an and betray her trust.

That’s what Lyanna is talking about in her conversation with Ned. She’s not condemning Robert for fathering a bastard. She’s condemning him for fathering a bastard all while he swears oaths of love and loyalty to her. Because Ned tells her that Robert loves her and only her, that he’s sworn to be faithful to her alone. Yet Lyanna goes, “are you sure about that, dear brother?” Because why would he swear loyalty to her then turn around and do the exact opposite of that loyalty, which is laying with another woman and fathering a child on her?

As much as Lyanna has the right to call out her betrothed’s promiscuity, she’s really not doing that here. She’s using his promiscuity to call out his lying and unreliable nature. Robert may love her, but he will not honor that love and stay true to her. That’s literally what she means by saying

“Love is sweet, dearest Ned, but it cannot change a man’s nature.”

Simple as that.

Also, notice how the topic of oaths and vows comes into play. This conversation undoubtedly brings into mind the concept of knighthood and the chivalric code. Robert has, from the very beginning, been a deconstruction of the knightly ideal. He’s a knight who fought a battle against the (not so) evil dragon/prince and won, but he was ultimately without honor and became a bad king. He’s the same knight who vowed to rescue his maiden (Lyanna) but was also unfaithful to her. This is a deconstruction of the chivalric tale. We’re meant to think that Robert, NOT Lyanna, is the hypocrite here. Robert is just another one of GRRM’s failed knights in ASOIAF; remember that before he was a king, Robert was a Ser.

And if we really want to bring Rhaegar into this, I’m afraid that we cannot call him a hypocrite for fathering a child on Lyanna.

He wondered if Rhaegar had frequented brothels; somehow he thought not.

The text directly contradicts the idea that Robert and Rhaegar are similar. Ned himself, who has a close personal relationship with Robert, acknowledges this. And going back to the point about the deconstruction of chivalry, Rhaegar is a knight as well. His elopement with Lyanna directly plays into the chivalric performance of a knight kidnapping an innocent young maiden. It’s a tale as old as time, literally. But this is not a clear cut case of Rhaegar being the evil knight (or the evil dragon, as some of our fantasy tales might have it) because the text goes to great lengths to paint him as the opposite of Robert.

Rhaegar did not swear vows of love and loyalty to Lyanna and then break them (as far as we know). While he was married to Elia and was fond of her, as per Barrtistan, there is no indication in the text that he personally vowed to love her above all before he ultimately absconded with Lyanna. So, Lyanna running off with Rhaegar instead of marrying Robert does not make her actions hypocritical. There’s really no reason to read this passage that way. At all.

So TL,DR:

STOP calling Lyanna a hypocrite because of this one conversation. That’s literally not supported within the text at all. Lyanna is not objecting to Robert fathering a bastard. Rather, she’s objecting too him fathering a bastard all while he tells her father and brothers that he wishes to marry her, love her, and be faithful to her.

STOP trying to compare Robert and Rhaegar through this lens - that Rhaegar and Lyanna are hypocrites. The text directly contradicts that idea. Robert is the hypoactive and the liar, NOT Lyanna or Rhaegar.

It’s that simple. No need to overcomplicate things.

I’m not entirely sure why this passage has been misinterpreted for so long but here we are…

[moodywyrm]

so many thoughts about basketball player!abby and her chubby gf </3 i loooove seeing abby x plus size gf it speaks to me as a plus size girly!!!!!

nonnie I literally think about this all the time. if anyone wants more basketball! abby just in general, @elskittie literally writes her soooo well. ik I rec kittie all the time, it will probably happen again.

but if we’re talking about basketball abby with a chubby girl. oh man. ohhhhhh man. so I imagine (read: know) that she is one of those buff people who just fuxking adores fat girls. thinks they’re the cutest, puts their strength to good use, loves how soft they are.

so when u and her get together? she’s head over heels from the jump man. she loves how you balance each other out. She’s hard and you’re soft, and it makes for the most heavenly cuddling on the planet. She literally can’t get enough, always has at least one hand on you at all times. and her hands!! her huge, warm, calloused hands always feel so good when she squishes ur hips. Is always kneading at some part of ur body, usually ur hips, thighs, and (if u let her) ur tummy. Loves the feel of ur soft arms around her when u hug, loves laying on ur tummy n chest when u cuddle. And that’s just your body, don’t get her started on how much she loves you and your mind and your personality, she will literally never shut up.

she defends you to the ends of the universe, anyone who is unfortunate enough to get caught talking shit about you or your relationship gets the shit scared out of them. not that many people would mess with her anyways, considering she’s 6’0 of pure muscle and one hell of a mean mug. dating her means you can wear literally whatever you want without fearing your gonna get bullied. literally the definition of “wear what u want baby, I can fight”. this is also coincides with her constant desire to show you off. she loves walking into rooms and having you at her side, telling everyone that you’re her girl and she is yours. walks around campus with so much pride, especially when you feel extra pretty n confident that day. she just fucking loves you man, and she loves seeing you feel your best. and just seeing you in general.

she especially loves when you come visit her at the end of practice. usually, your class ends around the time her practice does, and if it doesn’t you’ll hang out in the library until she’s ready to go. for a while you would hang out on the bleachers inside the gym, but abby got distracted one too many times, so you shifted to the library.

you always show up in ur lil skirts n shorts n dresses n thigh highs that squish into ur thighs, looking as beautiful as the day she met you. you wait patiently at the open doors, leaning against the doorframe n watching her as coach calls out the end of practice. immediately, she is flying towards you even if she saw you earlier in the day, a huge dorky grin on her face as she calls out your name. she always tries to hug u and u always direct her towards the locker room first bc she is such a lil stink. u do, however, give her a lil kiss before she goes off to shower. her teammates also love u, bc u have a habit of bringing them treats and they all love Abby, so they love u by extension. This also means u have an entire women’s basketball team ready to jump to your defense the second anyone starts shit.

like at parties, when straight men try to hit on you and you reject them, in which case they proceed to tell you how unattractive they think you are (which is bull, bc they were just flirting with u and anyways, you know you’re hot as hell). if Abby isn’t there to fuck them up, any of her teammates and her friends happily take up the call.

abby fucking adores her plus size girlfriend, would do literally anything for you. also loves taking you shopping and can I just say, clothes shopping with Abby Anderson would be a healing experience. Finds the best clothes, never lets you beat yourself up if something doesn’t fit, spares no expense in money or time if it means you can find clothes that fit. If you can’t find anything in store, will drop so much money making sure you can order stuff online, will sit with you while you try it all on. That surgeon’s daughter money really comes in handy when Abby wants to spoil her girl, and she always want to spoil her girl 💕

oh my god and can you imagine after a game. always gets you a court side seat, one of the many benefits of being the captain. Everytime she wins (which is almost always), she gives you the biggest hug and kiss On The Court, no matter who is looking. You are her girl and she’s gonna make sure everyone knows it. Literally picks u up, no problem, gives you a bone crushing hug every time, reveling in the feel of you and the way you praise her 💕

I’m literally so in love with her no one touch me

[hotchs-big-hands]

can i rant for bit cuz ugh why do all the men on dating apps suck?? i hate how some men really seem to fetishize plus size women. like when you're trying to talk with them and all they wanna talk about is sexual stuff from the get go 😡😤 like hello?!? im more than just my body?? ive never even met you dude. ive got a personality, interests, etc. like do these men think they're doing plus size women a favor by aggressively sexualizing them?

it honestly sucks so much. so in order to cope I've been fantasing about hotch 😏

like imagine dbf!hotch where he overhears you ranting about dating and the men on the apps and later tries to talk to you about it. he'd tell you that they're all boys and you need a man.after hearing how upset and objectified you feel he'd probably decide to actively pursue you. especially if you've had a will they-wont they thing going on.

i just really want him to seduce me and give me a reason to delete all my dating apps

❤️‍🔥

I'm so sorry this is so late but girlie I feel this so hard. I legit gave up on dating apps cuz it was just "let me see how big your tits are" "😜 wanna meet up and fuck?" Even if your profile says you're not looking for that, youre looking to date! I thought at one point I found someone who was chill and wanted to just go on a date but then 🧍 well, we won't get into that. All in all, ppl need to stop fucking fetishising fat ppl. It's dehumanising. Do we want to be desired sexually? Absolutely. But not just that tho. We want to be loved and accepted for who we are and how we look. I really hope that you do eventually find someone who doesn't just see you as a sex object, ❤️‍🔥 anon because you deserve it 💖💖

Dbf!Aaron Hotchner is sooooooooo🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭 OOOOOGH

He is fucking PISSED knowing you're being treated like this on dating apps. He thinks it's fucking disgusting that people see you as nothing but a fetish. He fucking adores you. He thinks you're funny, sweet, beautiful, kind and well, of course he thinks you're fucking sexy too. But knowing you're trying to deal with all this shit makes him angry.

So he does whatever he can to show that he's, first of all, into you very much so. But also that hes not after you just for "having a good fuck with a thicc girl". The thought of people treating you as less than human, just sexual organs because of your curves makes him fucking sickened. Man starts to rly make an effort to show he is interested in you. He tries even harder to make you smile and laugh, treats you to stuff, is extremely attentive if you ever vent to him. And he can see it's working, you've got a pep in your step, and you always have that adorable shy smile on your face whenever he talks to you or looks at you. Big fan of fixing a stand of your hair.

One day something changes, you come to him upset and frustrated and you show him the dating app. You vent about it to him all about the disingenuous guys on there only seeing you as a thicc chick to fuck so they can tick it off their bucket list. And so he hugs you close, kissing the top of your head and says he can't stand to see you so upset anymore. But he has something to say that could help.

You pull away, confused. And he's looking at you with so much tenderness your heart tightens. He smiles, brushing a stray tear from your cheek.

"Sweetheart, those stupid boys don't know what they're doing. They don't know how to treat a woman, how to make her feel loved and cared for and seen as more than just their body type. I... I want to know if you'll have me. Accept me to show you how you deserve to be treated."

You can barely string words together, it's cute. But he sees more tears again and he panics, thinking he's gone too far.

"I'm sorry, this was not appropriate. I-"

"Yes.. I- yes, I want you." You interrupt him. It makes him pause, staring at you for a moment as he studies your expression. You glance away, feeling shy again. "I only started using dating apps because I didn't think I'd ever get to be with you, Aaron..."

Oh, oh sweetheart. His heart is soaring and he pulls you close for a tight hug, swaying you gently.

"Sweetheart, you have me. I'm yours."

Needless to say you freed up a lotttttt of space on your phone getting rid of all the dating apps 🥰 plenty of storage for the incoming pics you and Aaron will take together from this point forward.

[bewitchedsouls]

I know you mean good but fat girls can also break easily. I also don’t mean to sound rude or offend you but it’s rare for fat girls to be 6 foot, I know you might be fat and 6 foot but it’s pretty rare. I think most people stick to petite girls in cod stories because it would be scary and horrifying if they gave reader their sweater and all the sudden reader fits or barely fits in it and it only works as a crop top on them. And please try to remember just because their fat doesn’t mean they aren’t clean fat girls bathe too and do their eyebrows too they aren’t slobs. Fat girls can break when they get laid and yes I believe they also will jiggle around in the process so please try to be mindful when bringing up cod guys with a fat girl

i’m extremely confused but this might just be me not having enough sleep, what are you questioning here? i try (i’m pretty sure i haven’t either) to not mention body types, sizes, descriptions etc, i want everyone to feel like they can read a fanfic i have written because they can imagine themselves as the person, i know in one i said simon could practically engulf the reader but that is because i see simon as this big military man who’s built like a brick wall so that just how i tackle it in writing, as a person who has always struggled with my weight it’s nice to be able to read about a love interest who (not matter your size) can pick you up or put you on his lap, i don’t like writing for body types because it can discourage others and make them feel as if they aren’t good enough or have something wrong with their body when infact i think all body types and sizes are beautiful and think that no matter your size you should feel included in a fanfiction because as it says in the name, it’s fiction, something where you can imagine yourself in that position, if someone struggles to do so i understand that it wouldn’t feel good to be excluded especially when i have been victim to writing that is catered towards a specific body or feature, now if someone wanted a plus sized reader fanfic i would be more than happy to write that, my requests are open as stated and i would do everything to make sure it is up to their standards and their body description if i am given one.

I am also confused at your point of saying ‘just because they’re fat doesn’t mean they aren’t clean’ ???? this is extremely baffling and you mentioned eyebrows, once again ??? i’m seriously hoping this was meant for another post because you may not want to offend but what you have written to me i find extremely disrespectful and rude, just because you say don’t mean to offend/no offence doesn’t mean anything you don’t have the right to talk to people who go out of their way to write fanfiction for people to read when they’re bored, lonely, seeking comfort (as i have myself many times) i have a full time job that i don’t get home form till 10pm (hence the lack posts) you do not get to slander people who don’t have to write fanfiction but choose to in order to make others happy. My last point to add on is that you said ‘yes I believe they will jiggle around in the process’ this is going to sound rude but whatever, are you even a plus size person yourself? as you sound unsure as to what happens when someone is plus size and has sex? i think it’s extremely rude that you think you can make those kind of comments and come on my page and try to tell me what my body is and what i can and cannot write about.

IF YOU FEEL MY WORK IS NOT FOR YOU EITHER POLITELY PRIVATELY MESSAGE ME AND TELL ME SO I CAN EITHER FIX IT TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE OR CAN WRITE YOU YOUR OWN COMPLETELY NEW FIC!!! OTHERWISE GET OF MY PAGE AND DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME OR MY WORK!!! I DO NOT NEED TO PUT UP WITH HATE AND NEGATIVITY WHEN ALL IM TRYING TO DO IS BE CREATIVE AND MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!!!!

[mickimagnum]

Devin's Dude Ranch: Episode Nine

*the episode opens with a shot of Echo Valley Ranch. It's early-mid morning and the birds are singing.*

Devin, in diary room (with a lot of energy): "Today's the day of our second challenge and I can't wait to see how the guys do! Can you tell I'm really excited about this one!?"

*the next shot opens with Devin standing in front of a stage area set-up in her backyard. the contestants are lined up in front of her.*

Devin: "Hi guys! Good morning. Welcome to our second challenge. I hope you guys are ready to give this one all you've got because frankly, I've really been looking forward to today."

Devin (continues): "I can see it on your faces: 'Devin, what the heck are we doing?'. Well, fellas. Today, you'll be putting on a talent show!"

*the contestants murmur among themselves*

Devin (continues): "I know you've all got special talents and I want to see them today. Whoever impresses me the most will win a solo date. Are you guys ready?"

*the contestants cheer in reply*

Devin: "That's what I want to hear! Alright, Houston. You're up first!"

*the next shot shows Houston sitting down at a grand piano, he begins playing Moonlight Sonata*

*Devin can be seen in the background with a smile slowly spreading across her face*

*Houston's playing is beautiful, though he does trip over a few notes here and there. he grimaces when he does but pushes through and finishes the piece.*

*when Houston finishes he stands, receives his applause and waits to hear from Devin*

Devin: "Wow. That was truly beautiful, Houston. You continue to impress me. Thank you."

*Houston places his hand over his heart, mouths 'thank you' to Devin then returns to his seat with a smile on his face.*

Stan, in diary room: "Hot damn. Is there anything that boy can't do? I mean, it wasn't perfect, but it was sure a hell of a lot better than I coulda done. I might be in trouble for this date."

*the next shot shows Albert on stage. he has a microphone in his hand and is performing a comedy routine.*

Albert: "I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real, real, real fat cat. It’s real fat. People point it out, you know? They walk in; They’re like, 'Man, that cat’s fat.' And it feels rude, you know, like, 'He doesn’t speak Simlish, but we do, so maybe don’t say that.' And they’re just… you know, they’re like, 'What are y’all feeding this cat?'"

Albert (continues): "You’re like, 'Whatever you feed a cat, dude. Like normal cat food stuff. We pour a bowl. Like, if he eats eight birds outside, he doesn’t tell us.' You know, he’s not like, 'Oh, I ate out tonight. I’m good.' And then they’re like, 'Well, y’all should do something.' You’re like, 'What do you think we’re not doing? Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him to the gym?' He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, he’s a cat. I watched him jump from the ground on top of the refrigerator. That’s like if I jumped on top of a school bus from the ground. Like, if I… if I did that, you’re not gonna be like, 'Well, you still could lose a little bit, you know.' Just keep doing what you’re doing."*

*Devin & the contestants can be heard howling with laughter*

*comedy bit originally by Nate Bargatze - because I'm too high and tired to try to write actual comedy.

*when his bit is complete, Albert puts the microphone back and waits to hear from Devin*

*Devin wipes her eyes and composes herself*

Devin: "That is...*bleep*ing hilarious, Albert. Do your parents really have a fat cat?"

*Albert nods*

Albert: "Oh yeah. His name is Reggie."

Devin: "Well, I love Reggie. And thank you so much for making me laugh so hard my face hurts. I didn't know you were such a comedian, but now that I do, that's a plus in your column, cowboy."

*Albert runs over to Devin and kisses her hand before hustling back to his seat*

Houston, in diary room: "I hate to admit it, but Albert's bit was actually really funny. Now I'm worried. I really want this date with Devin."

*The next scene opens with Stan at the microphone. he's backed up by music playing through the stereo behind him and he's singing Cheeseburger in Paradise.*

*Devin looks on, half impressed by the quality of Stan's singing voice and half amused by his choice of song.*

Stan (singing):

"I like mine with lettuce and tomato Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer Well, good God almighty which way do I steer For my

Cheeseburger in paradise Making the best of every virtue and vice Worth every damn bit of sacrifice To get a cheeseburger in paradise Get me a cheeseburger in paradise I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise"

*the music comes to an end, and Stan squares himself in front of Devin, clearly proud of his performance*

Devin: "Stan! That was both entertaining and impressive. I didn't know you could sing that like! And somehow that song choice is 100% you. I loved it. Thank you so much."

*Stan nods to Devin, thanks her and returns to his seat, wiping the sweat from his forehead*

Handra, in diary room: "Stan was living his best life up there. He was being true to himself and I loved that for him. Way to go, buddy!"

*the next scene opens with Handra front and center. He's playing Hotel California on guitar.*

*Devin leans forward in her seat and watches Handra play intently*

*Handra plays perfectly, making each note of the song come alive as he strums the resonator guitar.*

*when the song is over, he sets the guitar down and looks to Devin*

*Devin takes a deep breath*

Devin: "Handra. Wow. That was incredible and so...moving. Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us. I had no idea you were musically talented. I'm very, very impressed."

*Handra beams at her, mouths 'thank you' before blowing her kiss and returning to his seat*

Albert, in diary room: "My boy Handra can play, holy *bleep*. I'm in trouble for this date. Man!"

Devin: "Guys, that was every bit as amazing as I hoped it would be. Thank you so much for showing me your talents. I am so impressed by all of you. Truly."

Devin (continues): "This was a really, really hard decision. But, at the end, I had to go with the person who surprised me the most with their talent."

Devin (continues): "And that person, is..."

Devin (continues): "Albert!"

*Albert stands up and looks utterly shocked*

*Winner picked by random name picker.

*he meets Devin at the front and the two share a quick hug*

Devin: "Congrats, funny guy."

*Albert grins and returns to his seat*

Devin: "Again, guys, thank you so much for today. I really had a good time and hope you did too. And don't forget - there are still plenty of chances to win solo dates with me."

Albert, in diary room: "I won. I'm going on a solo date with my girl. I can't believe it. And Mom told me I'd never get anywhere being funny. I guess I owe Reggie some catnip or something..."

Devin, in diary room: "I can't believe the talents these guys have been holding out on me. I mean, how amazing was today!? And I'm really, really looking forward to my date with Albert. I can't wait to spend more time with him and see if there's more between us than surface level stuff."

Houston submitted by @invisiblequeen Albert submitted by @bakersimmer James "Stan" submitted by @natolesims Handra submitted by @bloomingkyras

PREVIOUS | NEXT

[dudduk4992]

Too thin

‘Your too thin’

‘Am not’

‘You are’ Zach Replied as the young couple came through the door ‘You heard the doctor, your underweight for your pregnancy, plus your carrying twins. Our twins

Zach placed his hands on Thomas’s 3 month pregnant belly and looked up at his Husband, strong and Athletic from countless years of heavy Football and unbelievably handsome with a perfect face, Dark blond hair and mesmerising Caribbean Green eyes, Zach was good looking, but nothing compared to his beautiful man. Zach and Thomas were a young couple, too young to some people, Thomas had proposed to Zach at their senior year graduation party, which he had accepted immediately, they had been married for three years, both men now twenty two.

However the pregnancy had been a complete accident, Thomas forgetting to protect himself and a week later finding out he was pregnant. He had always wanted kids, but wanted to wait longer before he had any, he was still in his youth, still playing football and going to bars with his friends and simply enjoying life, he was too young to rise children.

Thomas had begun to eat less after he found out it was twin boys. He had always had a healthy appetite and ate well to keep his perfect football physic but that had been going down-hill lately, Zach new that too well, he wanted the love of his life to be healthy and safe, and he wanted to make sure his future sons would be too, even if it meant doing things differently.

It was a Friday night and Zach had finished work before taking Thomas for a check-up, the doctor continuing to tell Thomas he needed to eat more, but Thomas merely shrugged in response. Zach had been worried about it for a while, but decided it was time to take action. ‘I’m gonna head up to bed’ Thomas sighed ‘I’m pretty tired’ ‘No you’re not’ Zach replied sharply ‘Dinner?’

‘I’m not hungry’ Thomas said yet again, rolling his eyes. ‘You must be hungry’ Zach said, swiftly blocking the staircase ‘All you’ve eaten today was an energy bar and an apple, you’ve got to be hungry’ Thomas had begun to open his mouth to reply when his stomach emitted a growl in hunger, causing both men to look at it in surprise. ‘Not hungry?’ Zach said smirking.

‘Fine’ Thomas sighed ‘Maybe I am, but I can’t go around eating all the time, I don’t want to be one of those guys that gets fat after their pregnancy’

‘But you won’t’ Zach said placing his hand on Thomas’s ‘Your healthy and fit, your not going to get fat from eating’

‘Your just saying that’ Thomas muttered before pushing past Zach. Worriedly Zach tried to think of something to do, until an idea popped in his head.

‘There’s nothing wrong with gaining weight Thomas’ Zach said carefully ‘You need to eat, your underweight and far from fat, please just eat dinner with me, I got frozen pizza, ice-cream and all the other foods you like, we can just relax and eat whatever we want in moderation’ Zach looked pleadingly at Thomas and saw that he was slowly nodding in agreement.

Zach smiled and slowly kissed Thomas before heading into the kitchen to prepare as much as he could.

Meanwhile Thomas sat down to relax and watch the sports, accepting that he really was hungry, not eating properly had made him famished, and the soft smell of pizza being warmed up only made him hungrier.

Before too long two pizzas were done and Zach was back in the kitchen cooking up a lasagne, while getting an assortment of other foods ready. And as Zach placed more food on the table along with four-litre bottles of coke. Thomas placed a hand on his small belly bump and moaned at the smell of all the cooking.

‘We can eat now’ Zach chirped dropping the lasagne on the table, and Thomas didn’t wait for Zach to sit down at all. Grabbing the first pizza he began to stack pieces above one another, before cramming each one into his mouth, while at the same time cramming handfuls of chips from a packet on the table into his hungry mouth, Thomas almost zoned out as he ate, focusing on pushing things into his mouth, Zach Trying his best to keep up with his starved husband, as they stuffed themselves like never before.

Soon the Pizza was gone and Thomas had begun on the Lasagne, forcing each forkful down while gulping down big sips of coke, Thomas wasn’t exactly aware of how much he was downing, not just the lasagne, but donuts and pastry’s at the same time, big handfuls of chips and two of the subs Zach had picked up at the deli, very soon Thomas was aware of the intense fullness that had begun to build up in his midsection, his growing stomach beginning to press against his UA shirt, his waistband was starting to tighten, which Thomas fumbled with while continuing to eat, he was kinda relieved he was wearing sweatpants. As he loosened the strings.

At the same time Zach stuffed himself more then he had ever before, taking glances before shoving more food into his mouth to stare at his beautiful Husband as he too stuffed himself with the lasagne and subs in front of him, Thomas’s belly beginning to grow heavy. Zach managed to polish off his second pizza before he looked down to see his belly bulging outwards from the food, distending his sports top, shit, Zach’s stomach was really growing with all the food, but he didn’t want to stop, Thomas was going to feel self-conscious, so Zach wanted to eat with him, grow a big bulging belly with his husband if he had to, which honestly, he really wanted to, so he kept on eating.

The last, and perhaps biggest part of the meal tonight, Thomas found in awe, was an enormous roast Zach had cooked, just for the two of them. How am I supposed to eat all of this? Thomas thought, but part of him already knew he could do this, and without thinking, he and Zach tore in. As the two of them continued to wolf down the perfectly tender roast, Thomas realised that his stomach had begun to get very heavy as well as growing in size. His belly was so big it now sat on his lap all on its own. Even now his extended sweatpants were too tight, so with a bit of fumbling, Thomas dropped them down to his ankles and sat in his boxers, gently rubbing his stomach, surprised at how nice it felt.

Zach ate while rubbing his enormous gut, which too now was on his lap from its mass and size, his shirt no longer covered his entire stomach, but rather, half of the huge orb that was now Zach’s stomach . Zach hadn’t even bothered to use utensils, he simply ate with his hands as his stomach bowed out more, pushing his jeans so tight that before he knew it-

POP!

The buttons of his pants flew across the room, as his pants unravelled open and his huge gut spread out into the newfound space, neither of the men even bothered to look up, both were too focused on eating. Eventually however, all good things came to an end. Soon the roast had been completely destroyed, nothing left but bones. And to their surprise, both Zach and Thomas were still hungry. Burping and grunting, Zach got up and quickly made his way into the kitchen and came back out shortly after carrying an assortment of foods for them to finish. Packets of chips, four litres of milk, loaves of bread, an entire chocolate cake, emetically all the good foods that were left in the house.

Eating the rest of the food was easy for the two young men, really It took no more then five minutes for them to demolish everything left on the table.

Zach picked at his teeth and belched deeply before groaning. He was beyond full now, almost near the point of popping. His stomach was almost as big as an exercise ball, the skin on his stomach felt taunt and stretched from the sheer mass of food he had eaten alone. He placed a hand on his gut, impressed at how much the two of them had eaten. He continued to rub and massage his blimp-sized belly were his flat stomach had once been.

Thomas leaned back and groaned. All that remained of their meal was the carcass of the roast and towering stacks of dirty dishes, pots and pizza boxes. Thomas released a loud manly belch, thumping his belly and fingering his outie as he did so. His stomach was so huge and wide, stretched and taunt, just looking at it gave him a hard-on. How the two of them had eaten this much was beyond him, but Thomas felt a gluttonous pride as he caressed his enormous belly, there was enough food to feed 10 people in his stomach, and he had eaten it all with no problem, not to mention his twin boys too. Thomas closed his eyes and burped again, thinking about breakfast.

[salamansir]

Dream post, I'd appreciate if you gave your thoughts (read the tags please)

So I had a dream a few months ago that was a little weird. I was tied to the base of a pine tree with a stiff rope, and a handsome man with black hair and pale skin came around the trunk. I think I knew him, and trusted him. He laid out a beat up book, a small pot, and pulled a small knife out of his pocket.

He was whispering sweet nothings into my ear about how much he cared about me, and that he was going to show me. He ripped off my boots and my pants, I was shirtless and in my underwear and socks

The ground I'm sitting on is soft and mossy, but the two trees beside the pine are branchy, have no bark, and look dead. He puts his hand on my thigh and lovingly squeezes the fat there, tracing his warm fingers over the small scars while flipping through the book. He's mumbling something under his breath and following the words on the stained paper with a finger and the book on the ground in-between his legs.

He stops, and looks up at me. I think I'm crying, begging him to let me go. He gives me a smile that has my stomach twisting in uncomfortable knots despite the warmth of it. He kisses me on the forehead and tells me that I'll be fine, ill wake up good as new! He tells me that the pain will be temporary, but his love will last longer than my body ever will.

He picks up the knife, and sits on my shin, and says "Look", and cuts a deep line on the inside of my thigh. There is blood all over his hands, and he was going for the artery. I'm screaming, but nothing is really coming out aside from pained whimpers, and I feel very tired. He does the same thing to the other leg, but I'm more focuses on how beautiful his expression is, how much focus he's putting into... whatever the hell this is. My mind feels hazy, like I'm standing in a foggy field. He makes a cut right under my collar bone and it feels like I'm being burned alive. Like I've been doused in cold water, the haze is gone, and he looks... deranged. He's enjoying this. He brings his hand up to his mouth and licks my blood from his wrist all the way to his finger tips and shivers a little. He's savoring the taste, and reaches into his bag and pulls out a candle in a glass jar. He puts it to the side.

I haven't bled out yet. Or maybe I have? I'm still conscious, but I'm so... cold...

He puts his tacky hands on my shoulders and makes a matching cut under the other side of my collarbone. I don't even feel it. I can't hear what he's saying anymore, he kisses my on the cheek this time and gives me a little pat on the other. He sits infront of me as if this were a picnic and starts talking vigorously about something. I don't know, I finally close my eyes. I'm dead. I know I am. So... why do I feel so warm? I'm tingly all over, and I feel like I'm under water.

That's the end of the dream (that part at least)

I was walking through the woods behind my house today doing ✨️creture✨️ things and I go deeper than I have ever gone. And I see it. The tree.

It has the two dead ones around it, and when I go closer, I can see that around the trunk, towards the very bottom, it has an indeat 3/4 of the way around like it was strangle by a vine and then cut away. I do a stupid idiot thing and sit on the ground where I was in the dream. A TERRIBLE, STOMACH CHURNING SENSE OF DREAD washes over me and I feel like I'm going to vomit. I stand up to leave and my foot gets caught in a hole, but I pull it out. I'm on the phone with my friend (We'll call him Ace) and we're talking about the tree, and I tell him I'm not sure which direction I'm going in. I tell Ace that I'm going to walk until I find something familiar, and then I hear my little brother (11) tell me "House is that way Age!"

(Age being how you pronounce a nickname my friend shortened my name to)

Ace hears me acknowledge my brother and I start heading in the direction I heard the voice. I find where I am, and stick to that area looking at some different fungus and what not. But I can't get the tree out of my head, and as I'm about to go back to it, I remember that MY BROTHER IS NOT HOME-

He is at my grandparents house for the day. I start speed walking, and then run out of the woods and inside and here we are.

ANYBODY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED-

[charminggirl512]

don't go breaking my heart // chibs telford x oc

Chibs Telford x F!OC

Warnings: 18+, smut, language, drinking, drug use

Word Count: 1,643

"Don't go breaking my heart," I sing, my words slurring together but it's mostly hidden by my overly enthusiastic singing.

"I couldn't if I tried," Bobby sings back, equally as drunk. 

   We're known to do karaoke duets whenever we get drunk enough, so the crowd is enjoying the usual show. I'm standing on top of the bar, Bobby standing by my foot. Chibs is standing by my other foot, getting the perfect look up the short plaid skirt that I've paired with a black corset and knee-high heeled black boots. Once we've finished our duet, Chibs pulls me off of the bar and wraps me in his arms, his hands resting on my ass to reassert his territory to any of the visiting bikers that may have thought that they stood a chance with me. 

"How was I, baby? I think I should try out for that show. American Voice? The Idol? Something like that," I ramble as I thread my fingers into his hair. I don't know how he gets it so silky. I'm convinced that he uses my conditioner but I haven't been able to catch him doing it yet.

"Beautiful, lass. We can get you signed up for American Voice and you'll be famous in no time. I can become a stay-at-home husband," He replies, his grin telling me that he's teasing me. We've been married for a couple of years now, and I still will never get tired of hearing him call himself my husband. 

"Chibs, stop groping your old lady in front of us, man," Tig yells from the other end of the bar, despite the fact that he's groping some croweater in a much more scandalous way. 

"Kiss my big fat Scottish ass, Trager," I yell back while showing him my red-painted middle finger. Chibs loves it when my nails are painted red because he says that they look amazing wrapped around his cock. 

"It's definitely a big ass," He replies and immediately ducks as Chibs throws an empty beer can at him. "I meant it in a good way!" 

   Chibs pulls me over to the couches where Lyla, Opie, Tara, and Jax are all cuddled up together. Once he's settled into the couch, he pulls me onto his lap and I snuggle in as he lights a joint for us to share. 

"Ellie, you may be giving Bobby a run for his money as the resident singer," Jax teases with Tara wrapped under his arm. She doesn't normally hang around the clubhouse like this, so it's no surprise that she's asleep. 

"What can I say? I'm a woman of many talents," I answer before taking a hit off of the joint and passing it around the group. 

"Singing is up there in your top three along with drinking and yelling at people," Opie quips after taking a hit. Lyla is used to these kinds of things so she's wide awake on Opie's lap. We've gotten close in the little time that she's been with Opie and that we've been working together. I would consider her one of my best friends now, even more than Opie. 

"You've officially lost best friend status, Opie and you're being replaced by Lyla. She's much nicer than you." 

"Oh, no. Whatever will I do," He replies sarcastically, his tone as dry as the Sahara. Chibs laughs but is quick to stop when I glare at him. He pecks my lips as his way of making it up to me, and, as usual, it works. 

   We all sit and chat for a while, talking about the club and other things going on in our lives. Lyla asks about Killian, and I talk with her about how much he's grown and how Chibs and I are talking about having another. The whole time we're talking about this, Opie is looking at Lyla with hope in his eyes and I do my best to ignore it so I don't have to dig deeper into what that means.

   Chibs and I have finished sharing our second bottle of Jameson when his hand placed on my thigh begins rubbing up and down, his fingers just barely nudging the hem of my skirt. I squirm in his lap and his fingers begin to inch further and further up. I lean back to whisper in his ear.

"Wanna take me upstairs and fuck me or are you just gonna tease me all night?"

   He pushes us both to stand up, hurriedly telling everyone goodnight before taking us up to the dorms. Killian is having a sleepover with Abel at Gemma's so we don't have to worry about getting home to him. Chibs pulls us into the first open room we find, locking the door behind us as he starts kissing me. 

"I wanna fuck you in this tiny little skirt, lamb," He says in between kisses before slapping my ass, causing me to moan into his mouth. He pops my flesh three more times before pushing me onto the bed. "You gonna be a good girl, or do I need to tie you up?"

"When am I ever a good girl, daddy?" 

   He whips off his belt before using it to restrain my hands above my head. Once I'm secure, he pulls the cups of my corset down to alternate between my tits, sucking my nipples into hard peaks before smacking them. I shriek as I feel the pain go directly to my clit, making my already wet pussy even more soaked. He drops to his knees at the end of the bed and pulls me so that my ass is balancing on the edge before he flips my skirt up to reveal that I haven't been wearing panties all night. 

"All I've been thinking about all night was burying my face in your pussy, lamb. I've been as hard as a rock ever since I saw this pretty pink pussy begging for me from under your skirt as you stood on the bar. I should spank you for being bare in front of my brothers, but I'll save that for later."

   Those are the last words he says before his head disappears between my legs, his lips peppering kisses on the soft skin of my inner thighs before diving into my heat. He laps up the moisture at my entrance before sliding two fingers into me as he sucks on my clit. I arch my back at the pleasure and wish that I could bury my hands in his hair. 

"Fuck, baby, right there. Please, please keep sucking my clit. I'll be such a good girl," I beg and he answers my begging with a third finger entering me and even more pressure on my already swollen clit. He pulls his mouth away to look up at me as his fingers continue to pump in and out. 

"Don't lie, little lamb. You love being my bad girl, don't you? You like when daddy spanks you for disobeying. You like being my dirty little slut." 

   He sucks my clit back between his lips and I arch my back and scream as I come on his fingers. He doesn't let up though, leading into another mind-blowing orgasm that makes my toes curl so much that they cramp in my boots. Despite the tears rolling down my cheeks, he keeps thrusting his fingers in and out of me, curling them to hit my g-spot every time. I can't help the moans that fall off of my lips as I begin to squirt all over his hand.

"Fuck, that's it, baby. Squirt on my hand before I fuck you with my cock. Such a good girl, such a good good girl." 

   He finally slows down and pulls his fingers out of me, though he's quick to undo his pants and pull his thick cock out of his boxers. I take deep breaths as he lines up with my entrance, pressing his lips against mine as he slides in. 

"I love you," I whimper against his lips as he thrusts slowly and deeply into me, the head of his cock hitting my g-spot every time. I can feel the pressure building again, but I don't have the energy to fight it.

"I love you, too little girl. You're doing so amazing, lamb. I'm so proud of you." He clasps our hands together as I come for the fourth time and he finally explodes in me.

   His forehead rests against mine as we both try to catch our breath, our chests pressed together so that I can feel his rapid heartbeat and he can feel mine. He unclasps his belt around my wrists and begins to massage the sore skin there, pulling his forehead away from mine to kiss the angry red marks on my pale skin. He tries to pull out of me as gently as he can and goes to the bathroom to get me a warm washcloth and a glass of water.

   I'm sitting up when he returns and he kneels in front of me to wipe his come from between my legs as I chug the water he brought. He kisses my forehead before going back to the bathroom to fill up the glass again. 

"Whenever we have sex, you always end up with barely any of your clothes off. That's not fair," I say as he sits down next to me on the bed. 

"Technically, you're still wearing your clothes, lass. They're just not on properly," He answers as he pulls his shirt off. I undo my corset and skirt and take his shirt from him. He pulls off his jeans and we climb under the covers together with me wrapped in his arms.

"Jackie Boy is gonna be pissed when he sees what we did to his bed," Chibs says into the darkness and I can't help the laugh that falls from my lips. 

[robynmizore]

Redemption April Fool’s Special Chapter:

The REAL Story of Conquest

Omg hai ^___^ I’m Robyn and I absolutely luuuv @@ games <3 and my fav is Fire Emblem!!! Okies so anyways, im going to tell you about the BEST day of my life when I met my hot husband Takumi!! <333333333 OMFGZ HE WAS SOOOOO FREAKIN KAWAII IN PERSON!!! Supa kawaii desu!!!!!!!! ^______________________________^ When I walked into Hoshido ==I looked up and saw…TAKUMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!!!! “ KONNICHIWA OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SUPA SUPA SUPA KAWAII KUJO-SAMA!!!!!” I yelled n___n then he turned chibi then un-chibi!! he looked at me [O.O;;;;;;;;;;;] and then he saw how hot I am ** he grabbed my hand and winked ~_ then pulled me behind a pocky shop o.o and started to kiss me!!!!!! [OMG!!! HIS TONGUE TASTED LIKE PINEAPPLE!!! RLY!! . <.< .< (O) (O) (O)] then I saw some baka fat bitch watching us and I could tell she was undressing him with her eyes!!!!!!! [ -________- ;;;;; OMG I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER!!! (ò_ó) (ò_ó) (ò_ó)] so I yelled “UH UH BAKA NEKO THAT’S MY MAN WHY DON’T YOU GO HOOK UP WITH RYOMA CAUSE TAKUMI-SAMA LOVES ME!!! (ò_ó)” then Takumi held me close == and said he would only ever love me and kissed me again!!!!!!! ** (O)/ then we went to his castle and banged all night long and made 42 babies and they all became BEAUTIFUL PINEAPPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nyaaaaa!!! (^<) ^_____________;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

“W-what the hell?!” Niles spluttered after reading that horrid abomination, throwing it across the room.

“Robyn, you said you were going to write a crack fic chapter today!” everyone’s favorite family friendly 😉 comedic relief seethed.

The authoress, lovingly named after the Goddess of Fate herself, threw her hands up in the air.

“I did!” she protested.

“That is NOT what they meant! This is abuse of the senses!” Niles yelled.

“Well I’m sorry, I thought it was hilarious!” The authoress crossed her arms over her chest. “What do you want then?”

The thief pondered this for a moment, then a wicked smirk crept on his features.

“Say.. do you remember why you wrote this tale in the first place?”

She nodded.

“Good good..”

Niles circled the room slowly, and he could feel the gears in his head turning.

“Why don’t you give it.. a better ending. Maybe something just a little more.. chaotic?”

The pair traded mischievous smirks. After all.. this whole novel was inspired by a particular wall scene. This was going to be very fun.

Warning.. profanity and EXTREME cringe

“OMG CORRIN!”

Nohr and Hoshido (except Takumi, the only reasonable one) squealed obnoxiously.

They all met up in a field because Nohr is full of assholes and decided the Hoshidan royalty did not deserve to grieve their dead mother, and needed to be thrown into a brutal war immediately after. Did they actually do anything to deserve it? Nope, but Daddy Garon hates peace and decided everyone needed to die for an even bigger Daddy Anankos.

“OMG CORRIN!!” Camilla squealed, waving her mommy milkers in everyone’s face.

“OMG CORRIN! Hurry up and ditch your blood family already!” Leo said with an eye roll. “I know dad tried to make you kill two innocent people from Hoshido, but like, he’s not that bad!”

“No, come with us!” Ryoma called. “We don’t abuse you!”

“Aw, we only locked them in a tower for years and years!” Elise protested.

“HMMMMMMMMMMMM…..”

Corrin thought deeply and logically about this.

“I choose… NOHR!”

“What, why?!” the Hoshidan siblings yelled.

“Oh, I wanna know why dad tried to kill me. So I’ve decided I’m walking back into a castle full of Nohrians to ask him. Also, I like my Nohrian siblings. Anyways, see ya!”

(Later in the Nohrian castle)

“Dad, did you try to kill me?” Corrin asked.

“No.” Garon deadpanned, clearly annoyed that Corrin returned alive.

“Ok, I believe you!”

“Whatever. Anyways, I need you to go to this super dangerous forest where you could easily die to prove I can trust you. Alone. Also if anyone tries to help you I’ll kill them.”

“Yep that’s totally not a red flag or anything!” Corrin replied.

Corrin’s next adventures consisted of similar stupidity- I mean missions, until that fateful day on Port Dia.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Takumi shouted when he confronted the Nohrian army, only to see Corrin complaining about having to fight their Hoshidan siblings.

“Ugh..” the prince groaned, facepalming as he let out a slow breath to collect himself, then shouted

“WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR ACTIONS… HAVE…CONSEQUENCES?!?!?!”

“They do?” Corrin asked, frowning. “But I have plot armor!”

“Oh that’s it.. I’m taking away your water privileges on turn ten!” Takumi seethed.

After a furious battle, Corrin, who is now magically a master tactician despite growing up locked in a tower, managed to take out the pineapple haired, bow wielding menace.

“Hahaha loser, get out!” Corrin said smugly. “If you do, we won’t kill you. Probably.”

“Gee thanks, you’ve all really proven yourselves trustworthy, especially after killing BOTH MY PARENTS UNDER THE GUISE OF PEACE!” Takumi snapped. “And our civilians!”

“How rude. Mommy should beat some manners into you!” Camilla gasped, her mommy milkers flopping everywhere because ✨ fanservice ✨

“Nah let him be mad. He’s justified. Still gonna make him suffer unnecessarily tho.” Corrin replied.

“If it weren’t for you, Mother and our civilians would be alive!” Takumi shouted, causing Corrin to glitch out.

“T-too m-m-much l-logic!!!”

Then Takumi was seized with a horrible headache and retreated, swearing vengeance for his mother’s murder.

“Wow he has issues!” Camilla mommy milkers exclaimed.

That night, Corrin scribbled into their diary instead of responsibly planning the next battle.

“Dear diary.” Corrin bitched.

“Takumi hates me for literally no reason. Wtf even is his problem?!

-Super Triggered.”

“OMG CORRIN! Have you planned for the next battle?” Jakob asked.

“SHUT UP JAKOB, I HAVE PLOT ARMOR!!” Corrin screeched.

Later, Elise fell violently ill and Ryoma refused to let them get medicine, and Corrin yelled at them that they were a jerk despite killing Hoshido’s queen, civilians, and terrorizing their kingdom (also Nohr kinda did the same thing in Birthright to Takumi soooo.. payback?) so they were forced to break a bunch of poisonous pots with only one healer. Then they encountered Takumi again while trying to quell a totally reasonable and expected uprising.

“Wow, dad’s kinda mean. I should just ignore it though.” Corrin remarked.

Hans decided to come and “help” after giving a totally fake apology in which Corrin was immediately like

“Ok, I believe you!”

“Yo.” Takumi said, shooting Corrin with an arrow.

“OH MY GODS THERE’S A PERSON HERE?!” Corrin screeched.

“I’VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME, MORON!” Takumi fired back. “I’m literally standing in the dark with a glowing bow!”

“You could have killed me!” Corrin whined, making Takumi face-palm.

“That was the point!”

Then Scarlet showed up.

“Wow, traitor.” Camilla mommy milkers whined.

“Corrin literally did the same thing.” Takumi deadpanned.

“OMG CORRIN!! LEAVE THEM ALONE THEY’RE PERFECT!” Elise simped.

“QUIET NOHRIAN SCUM!” Takumi snapped, firing.

“Wow ok hater. If you’d just have a reasonable discussion, my totally fair ruler of a dad would end this peacefully even though we keep launching unprovoked attacks on you.” Corrin said.

“If I kill all Nohrians, maybe this head pain will go away.” Takumi muttered, and everyone conveniently ignored Takumi’s obvious mental struggles.

Once again, Nohr won. Azura ignored Takumi’s clear signs of possession, Hans went on a killing spree, Corrin weakly protested in which Hans replied

“Nope. Daddy Garon said so.”

“Where’s the justice?!” Corrin gasped stupidly.

“Meh. Idk.” Camilla mommy milkers replied. “But Daddy Garon will kill me if I disobey so just ignore all red flags.”

“Ok, I believe you!” Corrin said.

Later, there was an assassination attempt on Daddy Garon by this songstress who looked and sounded exactly like Azura but totally wasn’t for some reason. After that Azura conveniently showed Corrin a magical crystal that showed them that Daddy Garon was GASP a slime monster!!!

Hm.. should I tell my siblings? Corrin pondered, then started glitching out.

“T-too m-m-much l-logic!”

Nah, let’s just destroy Hoshido and disregard everyone’s feelings. Especially Takumi. Screw that guy.

Corrin’s next “adventures” involved killing some guys for his boots (in the name of peace ofc), almost getting blown up by ninjas while also escorting Saizo through his suicide attacks for one measly speedwing. Corrin also had to take a good look for like an hour or so before using a dragon vein lest their army be cut off.

Then they saved the Hoshidan royals, everyone went OMG CORRIN!! (Except Takumi, who was so reasonably salty by this bs, he threw himself across the table when Hinoka asked him to pass the salt) Elise bullied Sakura, Corrin became a furry killer, Xander got beat up by some wind and a pack of Bolt Naginata using Falcon Knights. Oh, also Lilith died at some point and we’re all supposed to care for some reason.

Then Corrin beat up a small child (aka Sakura) in the name of peace, tied her up, and had her watch a bunch of defenseless soldiers get brutally murdered right before her eyes right after promising peace because Daddy Garon said so. And then at last came the fateful day that inspired this whole tale in the first place. Oh how differently it was going to end today. Because a devilish one-eyed thief paid our favorite second prince of Hoshido a nice visit and left him a nice little present…

“Ow, what the hell are these hard objects?!” Corrin yelped, ripping one out of their bare foot.

They were at the Great Wall of Suzanoh, aka Takumi’s wall of doom. Filled with the frustrated screams of Fire Emblem players alike. And at the very top of the wall stood Takumi in all his silver pineapple-haired glory, Fujin Yumi in hand.

“Your invasion of Hoshido ends now, Corrin!” Takumi yelled. “Everywhere in Hoshido is covered in LEGO. I hope you feel the excruciating pain we felt when you chose Nohr-“

“SCREW THIS! I’M PLAYING BIRTHRIGHT!!” Corrin yelled.

“You’re.. what?” Takumi asked in confusion, then Corrin performed an Emmeryn off the wall.

“…..”

Takumi watched Corrin fall with a neutral look on his face.

“Oh look..”

His expression abruptly shifted.

“..The trash took itself out. ..Wait.”

Then he saw Iago The Douche Bird Mage cackling with delight and fired an arrow, knocking him off the wall too.

“There.” Takumi said, his expression back to normal.

Meanwhile, Hinata was paging curiously through a book a certain daydreamer dropped during the fight.

“..Hey Lord Takumi? Some Nohrian weirdo wrote a romantic story about you and…. Prince Leo?! They called it.. Leokumi?”

“Oh, is that so?” Prince Takumi replied calmly, his hazel gaze shifting to Leo, who was calling Forrest a disgrace and calmly fired another arrow, knocking Leo off the wall too.

“Perfect.”

Then Takumi went to defeat Nohr, married the beautiful Goddess of Fate (named Robyn) then went to live happily ever after.

Niles: Meanwhile in someone else’s Fire Emblem Fates play through~

Happy April Fool’s Day lmao. Real chapter of Redemption will be out Sunday xD

[oh-katsuki]

hai cal!!

i apologize if this isn’t something you want to respond to, but lately i’ve been really feeling down because of my body. i’m on the bigger side and sometimes i wonder if i’m ever going to find the one because of my body.

And then i started thinking which of my faves in Anime would love plus sized girls. Do you have any in mind? Thank you cal! Your writing never fails to entertain me, I hope your day is going well :) <3

hiiii!!!

no need to apologize!! i know the feeling all too well :( it can be really hard navigating through the world in a bigger body, especially with how much people emphasize looks and romance. i am here to tell you though that you WILL find the one. if someone doesn't want to be with you because of your size, then that's not someone you wanted in your life anyway, you know?

i am a firm believer in ALL of the favs loving fat bodies, but i also have a whole LIST. tendou is up there on the list, so is iwaizumi, denji FOR SURE because he loves the weight of a heavy body on top of him... esp when you ride, armin loves bigger bodies because he thinks they're beautiful and bc that body belongs to you, gojo ofc bc there's just something about your roundness that activates this cute aggression itch that he has to fuck you over yeaaahhhh.

and LAST BUT NOT LEAST!! THE BIG NAMES (in my head) IN LOVERS OF ALL THINGS BIG!!!!

BOKUTO KOUTAROU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE FAT BODY CONNOISSEUR!! WHO LOVES GRABBING AND SUCKING AND FUCKING ON IT!!!!

KATSUKI BAKUGOU!!!! A BITER OF FLESH AND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOUR SOFT ROUND SHAPE!!!!

ITADORI YUUJI!!! WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION!!! HE WANTS YOU TO SIT DOWN FULL WEIGHT ON HIS FACE!! OH YEAH!!!

of course, there are probably characters i've forgotten who absolutely love fat bodies. but all of this to say, all of your favs would love your body. all of them would love a bigger, chubby, fat, round, whatever word you wanna use, person. what's not to love about it? what's not to adore? they love it and they love you!!!!

[cookinguptales]

Finding Salome, or why the Met probably never wants me to come back

So I decided kind of on a lark to go to the Met yesterday (despite already being fairly tired and achy) and it was largely to go see the Japanese religious art currently on rotation, but then I remembered Salome.

Now, my What We Do In The Shadows pals will recognize Henri Regnault's Salome as the painting that was used for the basis of the Nadja painting in the show.

I'd seen photos of the painting before, but WWDITS was admittedly what got me to pay real attention to it. But... I mean, it's a beautiful painting. The fabric work is just genuinely exquisite, and I've really come to love it.

So when I'm told that one of the big galleries is closed for renovations so I'll have to go through European Paintings to get to the Asian art wing, I'm like excellent, I'll go visit Nadja.

I am cheerful at this point. I am making friends with all the docents, who are happy to point this overgrown toddler with a pink sparkly cane to where she wants to go.

(I.. had just come from brunch at the Barbie Cafe and had my overnight backpack and was giving big First Day At School vibes.)

But then I get to the European paintings and I am confused. Okay, I get why there's the giant line of people. The Karl Lagerfeld thing or whatever. But why are all these galleries on the other side roped off? They're all listed as open online.

I meander my way through the area, enjoying the art and getting increasingly nervous as I realize a lot of galleries are roped off, and it doesn't look like it's for temporary clean-up or something. And then I get to the back and!!! heartbreak!!!

hopes!!! dashed!!

Being real with you guys, I have very shitty vision and I know that doesn't look that far, but I could barely see it.

(-13 glasses prescription gang rise up)

So... I immediately start asking for help. First I ask the nearest security guard. "Why ropes??? Where Salome?????" I said, but like. Nicely and politely and more eloquently than that.

HE DIDN'T KNOW. He said he wasn't sure, but maybe there wasn't enough security to man all the galleries and the Karl Lagerfeld exhibit.

(KARL LAGERFELD, I thought, DEAD AS FUCK AND STILL RUINING THE FAT GIRLIES' LIVES.)

He told me that he wasn't sure what was going on, but that I should go find his supervisor, who was wearing a gray suit. I did look for this supervisor, but couldn't find him. But I start asking around. A few other security guards. Two different docents.

The second docent feels bad for me because at this point I am just like ;o; salomeeee

She tells me I can sit down in her seat (thank you ma'am) and she'll ask around. She comes back, though, and tells me that she still doesn't know and I should go down to the info desk on the first floor.

(She also tells me that maybe I can tell my teacher what happened and I'll be okay. "Teacher?" I ask. "For school," she said, assuming that this was all for some assignment. Then she pauses, and hazards. "Or maybe a professor?" "Oh no, this isn't for school; I just really want to see the painting," I said, and silently added, and also I am 33. I realize at this point that I actually do look like an infant today lmao.)

So... I go down to the info desk. I ask one person. She does not know what I'm talking about. Literally all like... 6-7 people I have asked at this point have been like "idk?? it's supposed to be open??"

She gets a different info desk guy. He's like, well, I guess security roped it off. (??? yes I know that part, I'm asking why and if it'll get UNroped at some point.) And I am like. Sir. I have come all this way to see this painting. (This is not actually the case but it was definitely starting to feel that way.) Sir. No, I cannot come back in a few days. I am going back to California. (Not.... strictly untrue, if misleading.)

He says, somewhat kindly, that once he went all the way to the UK to see a painting and it wasn't on display, so he knows it sucks. So I bring up the the website. I show him that it says that Salome is indeed on display.

He says, I'll make some calls. So he goes away and comes back and tells me that he spoke to security ("the gray suit man..." I think) and it has indeed been roped off for the whole day and can I come back tomorrow? "no," I say, in a lot of pain and genuinely near tears at this point, "I go home in a few hours."

(This man thinks, oh, to California. I am actually going home to Philadelphia, but I am indeed flying to California in a few days to live with my parents like I do every summer while it's too hot for me to safely live on the east coast. Chronic illness life, etc.)

So... the guy pulls a ticket voucher out of his coat. He gives me a ticket for free admission that does not expire. "This is all I can do," he says.

I take the ticket.

I am so depressed at this point. I did not come here only to see Salome, but I really wanted to see her. And now I desperately wanted to see her. It just felt so unfair, somehow, to rope off all these paintings that people could have come from all over the world to see just so dead-ass Karl Lagerfeld could soak up all the security. Like... you just charged me $30 admission to this museum! The fact that you couldn't hire enough security to start with feels like a sham! Isn't this exact shit the kind of stuff the Met Gala is supposed to pay for in the first place? Isn't it supposed to fundraise to put together these exhibits and fund the Costume Institute? They raised $17 million last year! Can they not afford their own fucking security?

I digress.

So I trudge back up through the European paintings hall to go see the Asian art on the second floor. I glare at the Karl Lagerfeld line. I decide to go for one more far-away look at Salome.

So I go. And I look. And there, on the far side of the gallery, I notice movement by the other door.

I see someone get on the elevator.

And I'd known there was an elevator back there, but I kind of assumed it was inaccessible to the general public now. But the person who got on the elevator looked like they were probably a tourist. Like me!!

So I look at my map and see that there's another way to the particular room Salome is in, and it's through... I shit you not, the Iran/Ottoman wing.

(lmao)

I immediately rush off to find Nadja through The Nandor Wing and it's actually a very lovely part of the museum that a lot of people skip but I was in no mind to be normal about it.

But I find my way through the wing, moving admittedly a lot more slowly at this point, and -- SUCCESS.

I still cannot get into the room, but I can get a hell of a lot closer. Especially if I just kinda. Lean over the ropes a little.

This isn't as crowded a part of the museum, being honest, and not many people come by as I'm marveling at Salome.

(Look, I've been trying to see this painting for over an hour. I'm going to take my time with it.)

I do at one point hear a guy behind me say, "Oh, can we not go in here?"

"NO," I say. "They won't let anyone in. I've asked like five times."

It's said like a joke, and it's also untrue. I have asked a lot more than five times.

I turn to laugh with this guy and make room for him to come up to the ropes and see in and then I see him

behind us

A MAN IN A GRAY SUIT.

I see the badge on him and I know exactly who he is. He is waiting to get on the elevator and he is looking at me with recognition and exhaustion in his eyes.

I realize then that he has just seen me hanging half of my entire fucking body over the ropes so I could get a better picture.

I look at him. He looks at me.

He gets on the elevator.

I go back to taking selfies with Salome.

Look at this pleased with herself bitch. lmao

FORREAL THO, wwdits fan or not you should go look at that painting if you ever have the chance. It is SO shiny and it really does look like she's wearing golden clothing. It's so pretty, I looked at that skirt for ages.

Anyway, after this I eventually went to the Asian art wing, only to find that I'd been given incorrect information and there wasn't an accessible route on this floor at all.

I never had to enter European Paintings to start with. :')