#I THINK. we all assumed off the bat it should be a masterpiece & when it wasn't we as a society ripped into it

[vellichorom]

boyfriends ( yes, the webtoon ) wasn't NEARLY as bad as people bitching about it online would make it seem actually

[roosterforme]

The Curveball Part 4 | Bob Floyd x OC

Summary: Bob ends up on thin ice with Molly after Bradley ends up on thin ice with her sister. But all he can think about is the perfect night he spent with her and how he'd be crushed if he didn't get a chance to do it all again. 

Warnings: Fluff, angst, 18+

Length: 5300 words

Pairing: Robert "Bob" Floyd x Female OC (this story accompanies Batting Practice!)

Check my masterlist for more! The Curveball masterlist

Thank you to @mak-32 and @teacupsandtopgun for the beautiful banners!

Bob was trying his best to be in the moment at the Hard Deck, since he was the one who invited Molly's sister out for a drink. He wanted to say thank you for all the hard work she put in while Bradley was away. But he was so distracted. 

Molly had spent the entire day sending him selfies while she was at work, and some of them were definitely rated mature. Bob had almost broken his phone earlier trying to minimize a photo of Molly's pierced nipples when Coyote walked over to him. She had snapped the photo of herself in the bathroom at the hospital when she was on break along with the caption I miss you, Bobby <3

The little heart at the end reminded him that he had already said he loved her. He assumed she hadn't heard him, but it made him blush just the same. And now he was at the bar with her sister and Bradley, which should have been fun, but he just wanted to get home and see Molly. 

Bob watched Nat and Jake both relentlessly flirt with Team Mom, but there was no way she had eyes for anyone except Bradley. And then he wondered what it would be like if he brought Molly here. He wanted to, because he already wanted to be with her all the time. But...Bob looked around at all the guys, and that feeling of self doubt was back. Jake was handsome and charming, and probably the kind of guy Molly was used to being with. 

When Nat offered to buy a drink for Team Mom, Bob cut her off, glad for the distraction. "No, it's on me! It's the least I can do since you gave up so much of your time this week to fill in for Bradley. What do you like?" And while he was up at the bar, waiting patiently for Penny to fill his order, Molly's sister ran out of the bar, followed closely by Bradley. 

"What happened?" Bob asked, holding two beers while Jake rubbed his forehead with his fingers. He mumbled a response and walked away, but when Bradley finally came back inside, he looked like he was ready to kill Jake. 

And then the barrage of text messages from Molly came through. Bob's eyes went wide as he read them.

Are you aware that your buddy Bradley is actually a fucking dickhead? I can't BELIEVE what he did to my sister! 

Seriously, Bob. Why didn't you warn my sister about him?! What the fuck! He called Everett baggage!

Please tell me you're not like him!

You know what? Maybe I don't want to find out. 

Bob called her immediately, but she didn't answer. When he got her voicemail, he said, "Mo, please call me back so we can talk, okay? I don't think Bradley meant any of what he said. He's not a bad guy. And I... don't think I could ever do anything to hurt you." He contemplated telling her he loved her again, but he ended the call before he could. 

He was already home for the night when he got one last text from her.

I'm not coming over. 

Bob collapsed in his bed, raking his fingers through his hair, wondering if this, of all things, was what would cost him his chance with her.

--------------------------

Molly was having a wonderful evening with Everett. They painted huge masterpieces on poster boards and left all the messy brushes in the kitchen sink. Molly secretly loved leaving an innocuous mess for her sister to clean up in her otherwise spotless house. It kept her on her toes. 

"Movie time? With ice cream?" she asked Everett, checking the time. Of course she'd let him stay up late. That's just what aunts did. 

"There's ice cream?!" he shouted, sprinting back into the kitchen.

"Of course there's ice cream," she replied, kneeling in front of the freezer. "I know all of your mom's secrets. She thinks she's so sneaky, but you can't get anything past me." After removing all the healthy, pre portioned frozen dinners, Molly hit the jackpot. There was a gallon of fudge ripple and a gallon of vanilla raspberry. "See?" she asked Everett, holding them both up.

"Fudge ripple! Fudge ripple! Fudge ripple!" he chanted, and soon they were watching a PG-13 movie with two spoons stuck in the ice cream carton. 

"Want some more?" she asked, passing the carton to him.

He took a bite and said, "I don't think my mom wanted me to watch this movie."

Molly sighed and shook her head. "I'll cover your eyes for the scary parts, okay?"

"Okay!" he agreed.

Molly took a few more bites before she asked him, "You like Coach Bob, right?"

"Oh yeah, like a whole lot," he replied. "Almost as much as I like Coach Bradley."

"That's a lot," Molly muttered. "I like him, too." She was smiling as Everett looked at her. 

"You should probably marry him," he said seriously. "I heard my mom say that Coach Bob is smart and nice and that she never thought you could do so well."

Molly scoffed and rolled her eyes. "That sounds exactly like something your mom would say, and that's exactly why we are eating her overpriced ice cream without her. Now close your eyes for the scary part."

About twenty minutes later, Everett was sound asleep on her lap while she finished the ice cream. Then she carried him up to bed, starting to get a little nervous that her sister would be back soon. She tucked him in, turned on his nightlight, and then hightailed it back to the kitchen to hide the evidence of the empty ice cream carton. 

But when she got home, Molly could tell something was wrong and went right into protective jungle cat mode. "What happened?" she asked softly as soon as she saw her sister's tear streaked cheeks and quivering lips.

After a few minutes of being held in Molly's arms, she was able to whisper, "Bradley told all of his friends that he'd never date me, because I have baggage."

"That fucking prick. Does Bob know about this?"

"Probably," she said softly against Molly's shoulder. "He must."

"I'll call him right now," Molly said vehemently. 

"No, please don't. You had an immaculate first solo date with him last night which ended in a hot makeout session. I don't want the three ring circus that is my life to start messing up yours."

It had been more than a makeout session, but Molly wasn't going to correct her. She was so into Bob after being intimate with him, that she was devastated now. Because Molly knew she would ditch him in an instant, even if it would hurt, in order to support her family. 

Molly kissed her sister's cheek and promised, "Your life is not a three ring circus. And Everett is not baggage. And Bradley isn't worth your time if that's what he thinks. Now let me help you get changed for bed."

-----------------------

Bob barely slept, and he was wide awake before his alarm went off on Saturday morning for the tee ball game. He hadn't heard another word from Molly. Even if she wanted to yell over the phone, he would have loved to hear her voice. 

When he arrived at the ballfield, Bradley was already there. "You look like shit," Bob told him, and he could hear the disappointment in his own voice. 

Bradley closed his eyes briefly. "I feel worse. Promise."

"Did you talk to her?" Bob asked. Bradley didn't hang around at the bar last night after things blew up, so Bob really wasn't sure exactly how bad it was.

"She doesn't want to talk to me. I'm such an idiot."

Bob just kind of shrugged as he set things up for their game against the Tiny Blue Jays. "Molly is angry, too," Bob informed him. "She's barely texted me back since yesterday."

Now Bradley looked sincerely upset on Bob's behalf. "I'm so sorry."

"I'll figure it out," Bob mumbled. "And you need to apologize to Team Mom until she forgives you. Did you tell her that you said all of that stuff a long time ago? You barely even knew her then."

"Yeah, but I still said it," Bradley replied, rubbing his eyes with his fingertips. "And between the slap to my face and the valid points she was yelling at me, I didn't get a chance to try to explain myself. But she's not going to want to hear it anyway."

Then Bob felt his heart lurch as he looked up toward the parking lot and saw Molly and Everett headed his way. "I'll be right back," he mumbled and headed for her immediately. 

Everett ran past him, calling out, "Hi, Coach Bob!" before continuing on to Bradley. But Bob had his sights set on Molly and her beautiful face filled with indignant anger.

"Molly," he gasped, wanting to reach for her as she came stomping to a halt in front of him. She was glorious. God, he was in love with her.

"Tell me you knew," she demanded. "Tell me you knew Bradley was trying to play my sister." She was practically vibrating with concealed rage now. "Tell me you fucking knew he doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as them."

Bob swallowed hard, and her eyes flashed. "Molly, he loves them. I don't think he would do or say anything to intentionally hurt either of them." 

"He has a sick way of showing it," she spat. "He called Everett baggage."

Bob held his forehead in his hands. "I think Bradley just needs to talk to her. He's so crazy about them, he's really beating himself up."

Bob watched Molly glance past him to glare at Bradley while he helped Everett get ready for the game. "He can rot," she said, but her voice was softer now. "And so can you if you agree with what he said." 

"I don't," he promised. "Please, Molly. I...I missed you yesterday as soon as I dropped you off at your car. I missed you all night. I missed texting with you until one of us fell asleep."

She looked up at him, eyes searching his face. She muttered, "I missed you, too," and then she was heading toward the bleachers. 

----------------------------

Molly was finding it hard to keep giving Bob the cold shoulder after another day. She was spending a lot of her time with her sister and nephew, sleeping over there and taking Everett out to keep him entertained.

She didn't feel any better after she blew up at Bradley. In fact Molly felt worse, because she sensed that Bradley really was sincere in the way he just wanted to apologize. And he clearly doted on Everett. Maybe he really did just want a chance to apologize, but Molly knew her sister wasn't ready to listen yet.

Her phone went off, and she reached for it while she was making coffee at her place late on Sunday morning. 

Coach Cute Glasses: I miss you, Molly. 

She groaned; the gas station flowers were in the vase right next to her, and she was trying not to look at them. Casey never did anything like give Molly flowers. He'd given her some hickeys and exactly two orgasms. But he also hadn't been friends with anyone who hurt her sister. 

She moaned helplessly. Her body was betraying her. She wanted to spend another night curled up with Bob, all warm and protected. She wanted to feel his even breathing and listen to his soft voice as she fell asleep. "Damn it," she whined, typing out a message to him.

Miss you, too. Any chance I'm still invited to your place? 

Molly was weak for Bob. She knew that already. Just one night with him, and she was constantly daydreaming about him at work. His rough hands. And how sweet he was. And how he wanted to be exclusive with her already. And his big cock. 

Coach Cute Glasses: You are always invited. Please, Molly, anytime. Do you want to spend the night with me? 

Molly snorted as she read the text, but another one was already coming through.  

Coach Cute Glasses: I didn't mean that the way it probably sounded! I'd just love to see you. I would be so happy if you wanted to come by, and even happier if you wanted to stay with me all night. I liked how it felt to wake up in bed with you. 

Molly tucked her phone into the pocket of her scrubs. He could wait it out for a bit. That sort of thing was good for a man. Especially one who was that eager to see you. But by the time she parked at the hospital, she texted him back. 

---------------------------------

Bob was in such a panic. Molly was coming over. And he wasn't sure if she was upset with him or just Bradley. He wasn't sure if she was planning on staying over. 

"I'm sorry," Bradley told him for the hundredth time when he called him. "I'm sorry if I blew it for you."

"I'm going to talk to Molly in a few hours," Bob said, rushing through the parking lot to his truck. He was running around, grocery shopping, trying to distract himself. 

"Can you tell her I miss her sister and Ev?" Bradley asked.

"I'll try," Bob promised as he got into his truck and ended the call.

Molly worked until 8 o'clock. He had a few hours to kill before he'd see her, so he wasn't quite sure why he was rushing. Then he stopped for more gas station flowers and cleaned his already spotless condo. He tried to eat dinner, but he couldn't stomach anything except toast. And when he finally heard her ringing the intercom button, he ran to answer it.

"It's Molly," she said softly, and he quickly let her into the building. He stood with his front door open, and a minute later, there she was. She had changed after work, and she looked stunning. No make-up at all and just some jeans and a crop top, but Bob felt suddenly short of breath. He wanted to run his hand along the flower tattoos on her side, and kiss her there too. 

"Molly," he whispered, fighting the urge to blurt out another I love you. He needed to keep it together right now. "Come in."

She walked past him and looked slowly around his living room and dining room while he closed and locked his door. He didn't have a lot of stuff, and suddenly he felt a little ridiculous that his place was so sparse. 

"Very clean," she muttered, her voice and clothing filling the space with so much color and warmth as she examined the gas station flowers. "I wouldn't know how to keep up with it," she said, turning and smiling softly at him. 

"I missed you," he blurted out, and her smile grew.

"Tell me more," she demanded, turning to fully face him. 

Bob swallowed and took a few seconds to gather his thoughts. He was afraid he was going to stutter or say something stupid, but Molly just smiled at him, her all-knowing eyes gentle on his face as she waited.

"I...can't get you out of my mind. I called the runway attendant Molly by accident earlier, because I was thinking about you. Phoenix, my pilot, will never let me live it down."

Molly's laughter had him taking a step closer. "Tell me more," she said, also taking a step toward him. 

"I can't stand the thought of you being upset with me," he said sincerely. He ducked his head and added, "Thursday evening was one of the best nights of my life. Because I spent it with you." He paused, finally daring to meet her eyes.

"Oh, keep going," she said with a nod. "You're doing great."

"I want you to believe I'd never be friends with Bradley if I didn't think he was a good person. And I think he just got a little mixed up. Your sister and nephew really threw him for a loop, you know? But he really loves them."

Molly hummed and shrugged. "I guess I could relay that message to my sister. But I also have a message from me to you."

Bob took a deep breath. "What is it?"

"I missed you, too. I can't stop thinking about you either. And Thursday night and Friday morning, you were so sweet to me, I just want more." Then she kissed his chin and took his hands in hers. "I want you to touch me."

Bob pulled her close as she placed his hands at her waist. He would never get used to being around her, not as easily as she seemed to already know how he operated. She looked up at him, gaze open and earnest. Soft fingers gliding up his arms, tucking into the short sleeves of his tee shirt and gently squeezing his biceps. She placed three soft kisses to the corner of his lips, and he was done. He had to fight the invading thoughts of her nipple piercings and the way her body feels and looks when she's whining for him in her bed beneath him.

"Molly," he begged, but he wasn't sure what he was begging for. 

"Bobby?" she asked softly, pushing one hand through his hair and keeping his gaze focused on her. "I think I need you to fuck me."

"Oh," he groaned, turning her and pushing her back against the wall. He caged her in, and she looked absolutely delighted. 

"If you want to." Her voice was soft and sweet, and her gaze was anything but.

"Honey," Bob managed between ragged breaths as she let her hands come to rest on his abs. She was messing with him. Messing him up completely. She knew exactly what she was doing, but meanwhile, Bob was new to this game. But he was a quick study. A fast learner. 

So when Molly licked her lips and pouted, saying, "You don't want me Bobby? I thought you wanted to be the only one," he was ready for her. 

He wedged one thigh up between her legs, and she gasped. Then his mouth was on hers, rough and demanding. She was grabbing for his shoulders, rubbing herself all over him. He could feel her teeth, digging into his bottom lip, not hard, but definitely not soft. When she released him, she licked his lips until her tongue was in his mouth. 

Bob was rock hard, and try as he may to keep control in this moment, he couldn't. Because Molly was stroking him through his pants and tasting his mouth. Her nose was rubbing along his as she whispered, "Do you want me, Bobby?"

He reached down, wrapping both of his hands around the backs of her thighs and hoisted her up into his arms. Then her lips were on his neck and her arms were wrapped around him as he took her to his bedroom. She was on her back on his bed, kicking her shoes off while her little top rode up so Bob could see the soft undersides of her breasts. There was too much to admire here, and he froze up. 

When Molly's hands found the zipper of her jeans, she whispered. "I want you to say it, Bobby. I want you to tell me everything you plan to do to me." And then her hand was slipping inside her underwear, and she was stroking herself as he watched. 

"Mo," his voice was hoarse. He pushed her knees apart and settled between her legs, bending to kiss her wrist before pulling her hand free of her jeans. "I want to put my mouth on you."

The smile that curled along her lips as she started to shimmy out of her jeans and underwear should have made him a little nervous, but he was beyond help. Her bare pussy was right there, and she smelled so good. As soon as her jeans hit his floor, Bob's face was buried in her. 

"Alright, Lieutenant Floyd," she moaned softly. "Okay." And to Bob's delight and dismay, Molly's hands were on her own breasts, pushing her shirt up and playing with her piercings. She tasted so good as he ran his tongue through her wetness and sucked on her clit. But soon he was rutting into the bed, the sight of her fingers on those little barbells spurring him on. 

When Bob slipped his tongue inside her, Molly's back arched off the bed as she started whining for him. "Bobby, I want your big cock." He grunted in response, willing to give her anything in this moment, and shocked by how much he liked her dirty talk. 

He worked the zipper over his painfully hard erection and scrambled to get himself free. And then he was rocking into her at the same time he got his mouth on her nipples. 

"Yes," she hissed softly, head tipped back with a soft giggle on her lips. He was fucking her, and it felt just as perfect as it had a few days previously. Like her whole body was made for him. Like every response from her perfect lips was just what he needed to hear. "So fucking big."

He pushed those little, silver barbells around with his teeth and tongue, tugging a little bit until Molly was gasping his name. When he sucked harder on her nipples, she was screaming for him. And when she came on his cock, holding his face against her breasts and shaking beneath him, Bob could hardly believe he'd been able to make her orgasm again. 

"Molly," he gasped. "I love the way you shake."

"Oh my god," she moaned as he fucked her through her little tremors. But then she was sitting up, kissing his face, and Bob slipped out of her perfect warmth as she moved to kneel on his floor.

"What are you doing?" he whispered as she guided him to sit on the edge of the bed. She pulled her shirt over her head, and ran her hands up over his thighs. Bob's pants were pulled down to his knees, and Molly pushed them to his ankles before wrapping her pretty lips around his cock. She settled in between his legs, and Bob could only stare at her and try to memorize the obscene sounds they made together. 

Molly was good at this. She was good at everything. Bob tried to keep up, but her mouth felt too perfect. And then she popped up onto her knees and started running the tip of his cock along those pretty piercings. "Molly!"

"You like that?" she asked coyly, but Bob was hypnotized by the look and feel of the barbells on his erection. With a soft groan, Molly squeezed her perfect breasts together, sandwiching Bob between them. He thrust himself up closer to her mouth, and sure enough, she parted her pretty lips and licked him. Bob continued to do this until he was grunting and Molly's saliva was dripping down her chest, making the sensations even more spectacular for him. 

Slick saliva, wet breasts and Molly's mouth. "Oh!" he grunted, stroking her cheek with his knuckles as she sucked on him. But when she took his tightening balls in her soft hand and gave him a little squeeze, Bob came hard, without any warning. He watched in alarm as his cum spurted all over her lips and cheeks while she giggled. Molly jerked him off until he was gasping for air and wishing he had enough in him to coat her whole body, because it looked that pretty.

She licked her lips and opened her eyes, and Bob watched as his cum dripped down from her eyelashes, along her cheek and landed on her nipple piercing. Molly took his hand in hers and ran his fingers through the mess before guiding his hand up to her lips. She tasted him there and ran her tongue between his long fingers and across his palm. 

"You made the mess," she whispered before sucking on his thumb for a beat. "Now you have to help me clean up."

"Gladly," he promised, nearly rocketing off the bed as she set his hand on her breast. Bob used his wet thumb to collect his cum from her piercing and then he let her take his hand between her lips again. But then he was on the floor with her, pushing her gently onto her back as she laughed. 

"What are you doing?" she asked, but the words died on her lips when Bob licked his own cum off of her chest before kissing her and letting her taste it. He held both of her wrists in his hands above her head, and he was treated to the sights and sounds of Molly. She was rubbing her pussy along his soft length as she licked his cum from his mouth, and Bob just enjoyed making out with her on the floor. Everything tasted like him and smelled like Molly, and he listened to her soft laughter. 

His hands and shirt were a mess of cum, and Molly's pretty face absolutely lit up for him when he whispered, "I like the way I taste on your skin."

"Bobby. You fucking deviant," she moaned, taking his face between her slightly sticky palms and leaning up to kiss his lips. She wrapped one leg around his waist to keep his body against hers, and Bob let his cheek come to rest on her chest. He'd never been called anything close to that before, but he could tell he'd lose himself in the moment with Molly over and over again like this if she'd keep letting him. 

And then he blurted out, "You're not mad at me then?" while she combed her fingers through his hair. 

She hummed in contemplation. "No, I'm not mad at you, Coach Bob. I'm pissed off at Bradley, and I'm trying to protect my family. But I'm not mad at you."

Bob sighed in relief and ran his fingers along her pretty tattoo. He had found it actually painful the way she'd been avoiding talking to him, but he could see where she was coming from. 

"That makes me happy. And I can understand you wanting to protect them. They are where your loyalty lies."

"Don't fuck with my family," she whispered softly as she turned her head, and Bob glanced up at her as she swiped at her eyes. "I hardly have any left."

Bob could sense that she wanted him to change the subject, so he kissed her soft skin and said, "I like your tattoos."

She laughed sardonically and said, "Thanks."

"Did you get the carnation tattoos because it's your favorite flower?" he asked, running his index finger along the colorful ink.

"No," she told him. She was quiet for a moment, and Bob started sweating before she asked, "Did you know that there are different flowers that coordinate with your birth month?" 

Bob had heard of this before. "Sure," he told her, wondering where she was going with this. 

Her voice sounded a little rough, but her fingers were still soft in his hair as she said, "My parents were both born in January. Carnations were their birth flowers. That's why I have the tattoo. And kind of why I love the gas station flowers."

"Oh," Bob said, about to add that she didn't need to talk about it if she didn't want to. But then she rolled a little closer to him as he sat up, and she pointed to the other three flowers mixed in.

"The morning glory is for my sister's birthday. The chrysanthemum is mine. And the pretty red rose is for Everett's birthday in June. I got that one the day after he was born. It's actually my favorite one."

"It's beautiful," Bob told her, running his thumb along the chrysanthemum and meeting her eyes. 

"Listen," she told him, kissing the tip of his nose. "I'm protective of my sister. She took care of me when our parents both died. I moved in with her while she finished college. She shared her bed with me and made sure I ate. She sold my parent's house and gave me most of the money to pay for nursing school and a new, reliable car. And the fact that I can occasionally help her out a little bit now is really important to me. So if you think I need to castrate Bradley, you should probably just tell me now, okay?"

Bob laughed in spite of himself. "Maybe a kick to the nuts, but castration is probably not necessary, Honey. He's beating himself up enough, I can tell you that much. And I honestly think Bradley would jump in front of a moving car for Everett." 

"See, now that's what I like to hear," she told him, sitting up and draping her arms around him. Her skin was a little sticky from his cum, and Bob let her push him back until he was laying on the floor underneath her this time. She settled her chin in his chest and looked up at him. "Now tell me when your birthday is, Lieutenant Cute Glasses. I want to know how your flower would look in my tattoo bouquet."

Bob could feel his cheeks warming up. She wanted to know what a tattoo in his honor would look like on her perfect skin. And now she was just lounging right there on him, naked as the day she was born and just completely flawless. And she was waiting, just like she always did. Waiting until he was ready to say what he was thinking, but never rushing him.

He laughed softly and shook his head. "I have the most embarrassing birthday," he told her, and she cocked her head to the side. 

"Oh," she sighed. "April twentieth?" 

"No," he told her. "Worse. Leap day. February 29th."

"Oh! No, that's such a good one, Bob!" she insisted. "And your flower would be a violet. So pretty!"

But he just kept shaking his head. "Mo, you don't understand, Honey."

"Then explain it to me," she whispered, kissing his chest and stroking his skin. 

"My name is Bob. B O B. Bob. I got the nickname Baby On Board during flight training a decade ago, because I was technically five years old...."

She blinked at him a few times before she burst into laughter. Bob waited while Molly rolled around on the floor, gripping her sides and gasping for air. "And technically how old are you now?" she managed to ask through her laughter.

Bob waited until she calmed down a bit more. "Eight."

"Eight!" she screeched. "Don't say that to me! We've had sex!" Her laughter had Bob chuckling too now. "How old would you be if you had a birthday every year?" she asked, eyes wide as she giggled.

"Thirty two."

"Thirty two! Perfect," she sighed, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "I'm not going to get arrested then."

Bob rolled his eyes and whispered, "I think a new flower would look pretty good in your bouquet."

And now Bob was thinking about a violet tattoo on her skin next to the other pretty flowers as Molly curled up on his bedroom floor with her arm wrapped around him. 

---------------------------------

Bob without Molly....it just doesn't make sense. Thanks to @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls and everyone who bugged me to make Molly and Bob a thing!

PART 5

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[redhoodinternaldialectical]

5 and 8 for Jason, and 19 and 21 for Tim?

Hello laufire :D I've seen you around in my notes a fair few times, thank you for the ask!

Jason first bc I am predictable 😌

5. First song that comes to mind for this character?

Dana Dan by Bloodywood! I had it as his theme song long before I started headcanoning him as religiously Hindu and the music video feels all the more appropriate now that I do!

There are a LOT of runners up, sixteen in specific I could name off the top of my head bc I made a whole character playlist for him and I listen to it every time I drive (burned CD in my car :3)

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Hoo boy, that competition is FIERCE lol I try my best not to talk about it in terms of complaints though. That's just not the energy I wanna have most of the time. That being said, since you asked for some salt ye shall receive hehehe!

I think the through line of the most annoying stuff is that people will point at something Jason did in his villain era and twist it wildly out of proportion into something unequivocally EVIL and then everyone else will (incorrectly imo!!!) claim that it's out of character and due to writers that hated him and we should throw it out.

The worst example of this by far is his fight with Mia Dearden

First of all, it was written by JUDD FUCKING WINICK so yeah this was not a matter of an unfavorable writer!! Second of all, I think it's a goddamned masterpiece of a comic, and THE successor to UtRH

So like you have the second Robin, born into grinding poverty, having to commit crime to survive, joining up with a vigilante mentor, and killing someone for the greater good, and then being utterly destroyed... and then you have the second Speedy, born into grinding poverty, having to commit crime to survive, joining up with a vigilante mentor, and killing someone for the greater good, and then growing from that to become a fully fledged hero in her own right! So similar and yet their paths have been so different with Mia healing and becoming even stronger and Jason having been isolated and pushed to villainous extremes.

Then during that confrontation each of them know about the other through hearsay and research, but have never met before. Each make their own assumptions and then prove that they are more than what was assumed of them! Jason makes a deeply flawed but earnest attempt to try and connect with Mia and she rejects it because she has the support he never did and therefore has already long ago grown passed what has destroyed and consumed him!!

And some people REDUCE their fight to just "evil scawy Jason trying to hurt poor widdwe Mia"???????????????????????????? Might I challenge those responsible to a duel of paintball rifles at dawn?!?!?!?

Kinda the entire fucking point of an antagonist is to let the complexities and nuances of the characters shine, and that's doubly true of antagonists that used to be protagonists! Mia and Jason are such amazing narrative foils for each other, and tbh, Jason himself is an extremely good foil in general! On top of that the Arrows have long been foils of the Bats, so Bruce and Ollie also foil each other in the background brilliantly as Jason runs rings around them both!!!!

I would need to start pulling up pictures of comic pages and write a full length essay to get into proper depth with it (And I do intend to eventually!!) but the way they each interact with that fight and with their own histories going into it is great for both characters and it's just... gah... basically my favorite comic ever and it's stuck in this meaningless tug of war over "characterization" from two sides who both mostly haven't read the damned thing, let alone properly dug into the analysis of why Jason did any of that or what it might mean to Mia beyond just being unpleasant...

I would KILL to get DC to let me write a Mia and Jason comic. There's so much fun shit that they could do together, no matter if they were allied or enemies, I'm gonna have to write it as fanfiction tbh, but the fact that Green Arrow (2001) #69 - #72 is completely ignored until someone wants to use it as flat proof of 'Jason bad and ur bad for liking him' is just...

Le sigh...

Anyway what the fuck was I doing? Answering an ask lol??

Okay here we go: Timmy Time!

19. A relationship in canon that you don't like?

Its gotta be Steph simply due to how badly it was mishandled. As usual with female characters, I feel like Steph's nuance and strength as a character was in direct conflict with how the authors implemented her narrative role as a love interest. The fact that Tim was flat out casually misogynistic to her for her whole introduction and it wasn't treated properly as a flaw is a deal-breaker for me. The amount of Steph's Wikipedia biography that's Tim's love life makes me want to commit arson. The ship itself in isolation from much of the canon may have potential, and the canon material itself isn't all bad by any means, but to me the relationship still feels like a net loss.

21. I do indeed write, uh, a considerable amount of fanfiction about this dude, so: What's your favorite thing to do in fics when it comes to this character? Something that you don't like?

I like making him more unhinged. Or rather, I interpret his early actions as having been spectacularly unhinged, and like to imagine he kept that energy up into later years. I'm so not interested in Tim being a well adjusted person tbh I want him in my wonderful little Freak 4 Freak ship being spectacularly messed up and incredibly weird with nonsensical ideas about how boundaries work

For what I don't like... Hmmmm, this one's a little hard to answer because most of that falls into the neutral category of stuff I have no interest in writing at all, and so I just don't lol

I suppose I don't like to do apologies, though I have written one. I like to get down into the messy depths of sympathy and resentment by having him talk about those conflicts with the allies that have hurt him. However, I think the direct contrition and simplicity of apologies has less and less appeal to me the more I develop as a writer. Apologies retroactively cement an idea of fault and blame. I think there's more room for exploration in having the characters talk through all of the components of the issue without ever having that particular kind of confrontation.

Thank you very much again for the ask!!! I hope this was a fun read :3

[dancingthesambaa]

The Smell Of Plum Blossom Tea Ch 5

Summary: Just like a butterfly wing, a single act of kindness can change the course of the future, it certainly did for MK as a black-furred monkey put out a hand towards him.

Rating: Teen and up

Chapter 5: By Your Side

“Next is the bag of chips, why he likes pizza flavor I will never know,” Mac muttered as he pushed his cart through the aisles.

The two teenagers in his care, at this point Mei might as well be one of his, had opted out of the grocery trip and decided to do their own thing on the other side of town. Still well perfectly within hearing distance, but he smartly decided not to eavesdrop on their conversations, he would rather not have two very creative, and vengeful, kids out to get him.

After he had grabbed the bag of chips and placed it in with all the many, many items in the cart, some of them were not even for him and the two kids as his friends tend to make themselves at home at times. He feels like he should be charging his friends for the amount of stuff he gets for them no matter how rich he may be.

‘Who even needs this many ghost peppers, 3 bundles of apples, a bag of soft sponges, industrial nail filer, and a goddamn indestructible chew ball,’ he internally ranted in his head as he went through another aisle, ‘What am I, their parent?’ They have their own damn jobs!’ He then looked through some of their teas available and his nose scrunched up as he picked up a box of passion fruit tea. “Who the fuck even likes passion fruit tea? That shit is way too sweet,” he grumbled to himself.

“Well store bought ones usually don’t have that same ‘Oomph’ as homemade ones,” a deep voice said.

“You’re telling me,” Mac agreed as he side glance at the man who was reaching for one of the teas on the top shelf as he couldn’t contain his eye twitch. ‘Okay, been in this city for gods knows how long, and in the span of less than a year I managed to find ones that are descendants or reincarnation of most of the fucking crew. What the actual fuck is this sort of luck?! I know that there are historians willing to sell their soul for even a trace of this, so what kind of fucked up luck am I getting that I just stumbled upon them.’

“Hm,” he, the overgrown beast of a demon that shared too much resemblance to Sha Wujing, titled his head to him. “Is there something the matter?” His eyes widen as he tries to look over his body and pants, “Do I have cat hair on me?! I thought I managed to clean the last of it off before I left.”

“No, no,” he waved him off, “just thought you looked familiar, that’s all.”

“Oh well in that case,” the large man shifted his basket to his other hand and stuck out his right, “my name is Sandy, it’s nice to meet a fellow tea lover.”

Macaque stared at the hand for a bit before giving a small smirk and shaking it, “Name Macaque and right back at ya big lug.”

“Personally I like the Biluochun Tea,” Sandy said as he plucked up a box of Chamomile, “but unfortunately they have yet to fully bloom in my garden so I am making do with a substitute,” he joked.

“Then how about Kuding?” Mac recommended.

“I may like the taste of bitter, but I don’t want that to be my only taste,” he admitted.

“Well I think it’s pretty good.”

“Let me take a wild guess and say that you don’t like sweet things.”

“I only tolerate for my kiddos,” he mumbled as he put the box of Junshan Yinzhen Tea, he already had a batch of Kuding growing out in the garden, so there is little point in grabbing a weak ass store brand tea that held not even the same resemblance to how it truly tastes. He tried a box out of sheer curiosity and immediately chuck that so far away, that thing that called itself Kuding tea is a disgrace to the true masterpiece.

“You have kids,” the demon piped up as he walked alongside the monkey.

“Technically one, but with the number of times she stays over, I might as well claim that hellion,” he grumbled as the two goes out of the aisle and towards the meat.

“Awww, that’s sweet,” he put his hand to his very muscular chest, “the only little ones I have are my adorable cats,” he then proudly showed off his wallet which had an assortment of different kinds of cats.

“Cute,” he admitted as he took in the collection of cats, “was this an all at once thing or more of a gradual.”

“Oh some were gradual, others were in groups, and some was just picked up,” he said as he put up his wallet, “Like one day I come home and find Mimi, one of my older ones, carrying the most adorable blue kitten,” he began to tell his tale of Mo as the two continued their shopping together.

“I’ll be with you in just a moment,” Pigsy yelled out as he served a tray full of steaming hot noodles to his other customers.

“Man, this place is packed today,” Mac said as he took the only seat on the counter, which was by the entrance. The place was brimming with customers, either loitering outside waiting for their order or just chatting amicably inside.

“Yeah, lunch hour kicks my as-butt each time,” he had to suppress a groan and put on a customer service grin as he watched another group stroll in. “Be with you in a minute!”

“I thought you had some staff? I know the last time we came in, we saw a driver leaving with the food,” he asked as he straightened out his lavender dress covered with floral print.

“Well,” Pigsy said after he finished taking orders and began making the food, “I had to fire that lazy bum after he called off so many times, a few I get, but how does 4 out of the five days you work help?! And you still expect me to pay you for a full two weeks of service?” He grumbled harshly as he then took a few of the clean bowls out.

“Yikes,” Mac grimaced, “…want some help?”

The owner paused and sharply looked towards the monkey, “you offering?”

“Yeah, don’t really have anything better to do, besides,” he showed off two more clones, which barely made people bat an eye as they were too engrossed in their meals and phones, “I am basically a one man army.”

Pigsy looked so wistfully at that power and quickly asked, “are you any good at customer service?”

“I volunteer at a theater,” he raised an eyebrow.

“You're hired,” the shorter demon threw an apron at him, “you’ll get paid by the end of the day.”

“Instead of that, how bout next time I drop by, food is on the house?” He bargained as he put on the apron.

“Deal,” he instantly agreed and he could feel a wave of relief wash over him as he now could focus on cooking instead of everything at once. “Next time why don’t you talk to Tang about how free meals work, maybe then his lazy butt can finally start paying me.”

“Why don’t you just not give him free food?” Macaque smirked as he saw a faint blush on the pig’s face.

“Shut up,” he muttered.

The monkey said nothing more as he put the apron on, turned to the group of people that was just seated, took out a notepad, and gave his most theatrical smile “Welcome to Pigsy Noodles, what can I get started for you?”

“So anyway, I have been looking through some of the books that I saw in an antique store, and let me tell you that I scored the motherload!” Tang excitedly said as he talked beside the lake. “Guess what I happened to find.”

“What?” The creature prompted him as he casually floated in the water.

“You have money? You actually have a job,” the other being questioned, “and you still let Pigsy pay for your food?”

“It’s a journal that tells the tale of someone who got trapped in the spiritual world after a failed ritual!” He exclaimed as he steadfastly ignored the previous question.

“Pffftt,” he sputtered out a laugh.

“I don’t know about you but isn’t it usually a bad thing when someone gets trapped somewhere,” Macaque drawled out as he chewed on a plum as he stretched out on the grass with a baby monkey clinging onto him. Ní, who decided to chill in her rabbit form for some reason, also nodded as she laid down on the sunlight grass. “Also, you haven’t answered my question.”

“Well she obviously is alright since she wrote this book and all,” the historian tried to defend himself as he still didn’t answer.

“Surrree.”

“It’s true, you agree with me right Shu,” he turned to the water demon.

“Absolutely,” the Shui Gui cheekily said.

Tang shot a smirk at him.

“He agrees with anything he finds funny,” he rolled his eyes.

“Well anyway,” he took out the book and showed it to them, “this book illustrates how Chi-Chi journey through the treacherous parts of the realm, tricked many dangerous beings, gazed upon the beauty of the uncharted, and met so many spirits and immortals along the way!”

“Is that so,” Mac hummed.

“I would give an arm and a leg to meet an immortal or even a spirit,” he said unblinkingly then he went back to his fanboy mode, “I would have so many questions to ask them!”

The 2 immortal beings shared a look at each other as the monkey then put a hand over the spirit’s mouth to stop him from saying anything.

“Don’t you even think about it Kappa,” he warned him.

The drowned spirit just gave him a cheeky grin as he raised his webbed hands in the air.

“I swear,” Macaque grumbled as he put down his hand, “how the hell did the two of you even become friends?”

“He fed me some beef jerky,” he happily explained, “and that was the start of a beautiful friendship.”

“And he never once comments on why you always hang around the lake and not anywhere else?” He incredulously said.

“Nope!”

“Adrenaline junkie I swear.”

“You say something?” Tang called out as he paused his fanboy mode.

“Just talking about your obvious crush on Pigsy,” Mac facepalmed when the spirit just had to say that of all things.

“It’s not a crush!” Tang marched up to him with his ears redder than an apple, “Can’t someone just appreciate another person's attractive qualities?”

“Yes, yes you can,” he agreed.

“Good,” the fanatic crossed his arms, “then you can safely assume that-.”

“Butttt you have a fancy for the pig,” the spirit ended.

“NO I DO NOT!”

“The sheer irony is actually ridiculous,” Mac said to himself as he slowly petted the infant.

“Ooo oo,” the baby macaque cooed.

“No, you cannot eat my tail.”

“You know, I’m getting real tired of those idiots' constant fighting,” Macaque grumbled as he petted a very fat and very fluffy cat.

“Tell me about it,” Sandy nodded his head as he drank some tea. “They have been at it for almost the second they met each other.”

“I swear I am so close to just shoving them both in a closet alone and letting them deal with it.”

“Yeahhh, that might not work so well,” Sandy drawled out as he set down his cup.

“Why? Cause it won’t be right,” he mocked.

“Well there’s that, but also there’s the fact that it would absolutely do nothing at all and just lead to them bickering more,” he pointed out.

“You, unfortunately, have a point,” he slumped back as another cat crawled on top of him.

“Also, I may have already tried that.”

“Wait? Really?” He sat back up and looked at the blue demon’s sheepish expression.

“Let me just tell you that seeing it on t.v does not really work the same way as real life,” he still remembered how they were both mad at him for locking them in a room together.

“Tell me about it,” Mac already knows the pain as both MK and Mei went through this phase as they tried to do the most ridiculous stunts or experiment with dangerous chemicals. Luckily he managed to stop or save them in time, but there were a few times where he was preoccupied or just missed it. Let it be known that they both learned their lesson after breaking bones and a fierce rash all over their arms. He still doesn't know what they were trying to prove with the lacquer tree. “Oh yeah, how did it go with flicker the other day? Didn’t give you too much trouble?”

“Oh nothing I couldn’t handle,” Sandy smiled at the mention of his newest client, “Can’t tell you much cause of confidentiality and whatnot, but he is open to another session.”

The monkey nodded, “that’s good, Gods know he needs it, now if Raki was more amenable to the idea, but she is the most prideful person I know and that is including her husband.”

The blue demon winced, “yeahhh I can see how that might be a bit difficult.”

“You're telling me.”

“Focus,” Macaque yelled out as he nimbly dodged a flying kick, “remember that when you strike, you make sure that strike will be your last.”

Mei didn’t say a word as she growled at her missed shot and jumped towards him then fainted for an upward cut then quickly proceeded to go into a low roll as MK came up from behind with a high kick.

“Good plan you two,” he praised as he simply jumped above MK’s head and said, “but try going for a grapple next time, it would have been more effective to topple me over rather than try to catch me off guard in the air.”

MK flipped backward and attempted to grab onto his tail, which he quickly realized was a mistake as he felt the tail wrap around his arm and flung him to Mei, who was charging at him.

“If I was an unskilled fighter then that would have been quite an effective weakness to exploit, but it’s too bad I’m not,” he mocked the two as he caught Mei sword with one hand and MK escrima stick with the other and casually tossed them back to the edges of the tree line.

“Oh come on!/We almost had him!” Both teens yelled out as they simultaneously punched a tree in frustration, which left a handprint etched into the wood when they took it out.

Only Macaque noticed this as both of the kids elected to split off from each other and try to attack him from both sides. “Guess they have adapted quite well to my energy,” he mused as he watched them run towards him, “Probably should tell them to take it easy else they’ll break their bones, again.” He then easily began to dodge from both of their attacks as they gave it their all to finally hit the damn monkey.

And this how it continued, with both seventeen year olds working together to finally land a hit on the speedy monkey, only for it to fail every time.

“You're getting better,” he said as he looked down on the two exhausted teenagers trying to catch their breath.

“One day,” Mei took a long deep breath before continuing, “one day, I don’t know when, but one day I will punch that damn smug off your face.”

“Ditto,” MK raised his hand in the air then dropped it then pushed his loose hair out of his eyes.

Mei saw this and gave a faint snort, “you know I can help with your hair-”

“I’m not putting pigtails in my head again,” he deadpanned.

“Come on, I can even get fluffy to join.”

“How about no,” he bluntly said as handed them two cold water bottles, “take a breather breezy, starlight. We can resume in a few minutes.”

“Okayy,” they moaned out.

“Awww, but I bet you would look cute in pigtails,” they all turned to see Minsheng hop in with a few others as well, “I know there will be a lot of demons just willing to pay for a pic, just think of the money.”

“Remember the glitter,” Macaque growled out.

“The bunny paused and crossed their arms as their friends laughed behind him, “ Well I’m just saying.”

“It took them ages to get all that out,” Daiyu stated, it didn’t even come off until a full month has gone by, and yet they still found small patches in their fur.

“Almost killed him when he tried to hug me with that on him,” Bohai huffed as he glowed a bit at the horrible image of him even having a speck of that abomination on him.

“They looked like my gremlin’s arts and crafts masterpiece when they were five,” Yanyu chortled.

“It was indeed horrible,” Ahmed lowly chuckled out as he slowly trailed behind them all, then all demons, and adult human, in the vicinity paused.

“Oh right this,” the bluenette human almost hit herself at how quickly she forgot, “we did come here for a reason.”

“Voices gettin to ya,” the long-furred monkey easily asked the lion demon.

“They have been a bit annoying,” he gave a weak chuckle.

“I feel ya,” he turned to his kids, “go towards the tree line with the rest of them, it seems that class will have to be cut short.”

“Okay?” Both were very confused, but obliged by the demon words as they walked over to the group, only to be pulled back by Bohai. “Hey!/What?”

“Oh trust me,” the jellyfish demon said, “you do not want to be anywhere near Ahmed at the moment. He’s a bit...unhinged.”

“Him? But he’s a total softie,” Mei shot a look to him.

“He let Mei put ribbons in his mane,” MK added.

“Oh there’s no doubt about Med squishy heart, but there are times where he just has to cut loose, ya feel me,” the vulture just received confused looks.

“Just watch,” the bunny demon grinned and took out a bundle of golden carrots, and began to eat.

“What do you mean-,” she was cut off by Macauqe voice.

“Come at me you overgrown cat.”

They saw Ahmed give a grateful nod before he went on all four, not even caring about his messing up his robes, and his body started to spasm as he let out a fierce roar that made everyone in the vicinity cover their ears.

ROAAARRRRR

He then flickered out of view and the monkey quickly had both his arms crossed in front of him as a plume of dirt and dust gathered around him without warning. It was only when it was settled that the demons and humans saw that the once flat field now had a decent crater in the middle with both lion and monkey. Ahmed gave a low snarl as he saw that the monkey was not harmed.

“Aww baby cub claws not working,” he mocked him as he sent a hard kick to his jaw, “how bout I help ya there.”

He growled as he quickly grabbed the monkey’s leg and flung him to the ground, he gave a nasty grin as he saw blood trickle from his head.

“Wouldn’t get too cocky, haven’t you already tasted the blood trickling out of your jaw?”

The lion stilled as he tasted the metallic tang covering his tongue, he let out a low growl in frustration.

“First blood to me,” was all Mac had to say before the lion gave a roar and lunged at him, thus the fight beginning once more.

MK and Mei were stunned silent as they watch the vicious battle as each time Ahmed tried to throw an attack it would either get dodged or redirected, but if he did manage to land one blood was always shed. Macaque was the same way as each time he managed to strike him down they swore that they heard bones loudly breaking.

But neither side gave in.

“Terrifying right,” they were slightly startled by Yanyu’s voice and couldn’t help, but fall over as they saw, not only her, but everyone casually laying down and/or eating.

“Oh don’t give us that look,” Daiyu said as she hummed and watched the lion attempt to claw the monkey's eyes out, “it’s only some bloodshed, nothing major. Though it would be more thrilling if a certain spider bitch was involved, I would love to see her blood splattered out,” she lowly huffed.

“What she means to say is that Macaque has this well in hand, this isn’t his first time dealing with ol Meddy when he’s primal,” Bohai tried to comfort them.

“Primal?” MK questioned.

“Basically it’s when someone instinct takes over,” Minsheng explained as they munched on their carrot while watching Mac throw him harshly to the ground, “sometimes it’s a good thing like you stuck in a corner and you got a colony you need to protect behind you, it’s one hell of a boost let me tell you. Other times not so much.”

Both kids blinked at that lackluster answer.

“What they mean,” Bohai continued as they casually looked away from Ahmed sinking his teeth into Macaque shoulder, “is that other times the bad times, to put it bluntly, it’s when the voices get so loud that it begins to control your entire being until you finally get rid of it. If you're lucky, it can be as easy as sleeping, if not well,” he looked at where the six-eared monkey had ripped his shoulder away from Ahmed red stained fangs and proceeded to knock out a few teeth in retaliation. “That.”

“He becomes bloodthirsty,” Mei quietly says.

“Yeah,” Yanyu softly brought them down next to her as she gave them a bag of popcorn, “it’s not pretty, but he just has to let it out.”

“But why is Dad the one fighting him?! Why not any of you!” He half shouted in nervousness and anger as he looked towards the demons, specifically Daiyu.

“Well I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a death wish,” Bohai bluntly stated.

“Here here,” Sheng raised his hand.

“Tried that once and I was beaten in a minute flat,” the vulture huffed, “if Mackie wasn’t there then my body would have been a nice dinner to the rest of the wake.”

“Thus their first meeting,” the bunny added.

“Wait, Mac Mac first time meeting Ahmed was when he was beating the shit out of Daiyu and then to each other,” Mei asked.

“Yep,” they collectively said.

“And he is literally the only one able to fight against him?” MK questioned.”

“Yep,” they repeated.

Both teens took a glance as the monkey continued his vicious strikes against the lion, who attempted to decapitate his head every time, but each time he missed he instead decimated any boulders in the unfortunate vicinity into dust. The primal lion retaliated with his own thundering roar, but Macaque was fast enough to dodge the attacks that uprooted a grove of trees.

“Well there goes any small lingering doubts on how he was able to go toe to toe with the Monkey King,” Mei deadpanned as she slumped and stuffed her hand into the popcorn.

MK followed suit as he ate some popcorn, “you’re telling me.”

“He is kicking major monkey ass right now.”

“I am so happy that he is going easy on us,” the ponytail boy whispered out.

“Holy shit, no kidding,” she agreed, “just think, we could have been less than paste on the side of the road with a single hit if he actually tried to let loose with us.”

“Nahh, you don’t have to worry about that,” Min waved their worries off, “other than this, the only other time he actually lets loose is around his exes.”

“I’m sorry, his WHAT?!/Wait? WHAT?!” Mei and MK sat up as Mei continued, “what do you mean exes?!”

“Dad dated?!?!?” MK followed suit.

“Oh yeah,” Yanyu grinned, “I even met some of them, and let me tell you that he has horrible taste in partners.”

“I don’t think it’s his fault that most of them fall on the insane scale and not in a good way,” Bohai deadpanned.

“By insane you mean impulsive as shit that tries to fight anything that moves, then yeah,” Daiyu nodded.

“It’s weird hearing those words coming from you,” the adult human teased.

“Hey, I may like fighting, but even I have my own limits. His partners take the entire train and then the second one charging at em.”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around Dad dating,” the seventeen year old muttered as he gripped his head as he looked towards the blood stained battle. “This I can get, but dating?”

“…I am so never gonna let this go,” a twinkle of mischievous appeared in Mei's eyes as she looked at them, “sooo if you had to guess, which one is his most insane, or worst, partner.”

“I have to say Hui, that scorpion bastard seemed nice enough, but she was a raging alcoholic that always tried to get into the celestial realm for some booze” Sheng started as they stuffed the rest of the carrot in their mouth.

“Ju. He was a fishy one, that turtle was always looking for his next meal, no matter where it came from,” Bohai grumbled.

“Might have something to do with nature,” Yanyu teased.

“Shut up.”

“Both of ya are brain dead if you forgot who really takes the crown,” the winged demon interjected.

“Who then?”

Daiyu and Yanyu just looked at each other before saying, “Lemur bitch.”

“Fair point,” both aquatic and land demons replied.

“Who?” Mei asked, but it was met with grimaced faces.

“Just,” Bohai began, “just pray you never meet him, Shun is-,” he was cut off by a loud yell.

SLAM

“WE DON’T TALK ABOUT HIM!” Macaque screeched while all his ears flared up, his eyes twitch violently with a wild look. “NEVER!” He repeated as he pressed his foot and staff on the lion’s back, who was just growling out and thrashing wildly under him.

“Yeahhh, let’s just say that after him, doc swore off on dating,” Yanyu sighed as she ate a handful of popcorn.

“But what did he do?” MK said as he was careful to avoid the name.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

“But I really do,” Mei leaned in.

“No you don’t.”

“But I-,” she got a mouthful of popcorn stuffed in her mouth.

“You don’t,” Yanyu pulled back her hand, “now let’s watch them beat the shit out of each other. 20 on Mufasa knocking him out this time.”

“I’ll add to that,” Min added.

“Well I bet 25 that Dad will knock him out!” MK shouted, “there’s no way he’ll lose.”

“And I’ll double that,” Mei joined in after she swallowed the popcorn, “no way pops is losing to an overgrown cat!”

“Get ready to eat your words.”

“The only thing I’ll be eating is some delicious double truffle swirl ice cream with your money.”

“Let’s just see about that.”

(Minsheng soon regretted those words as both Mei and MK happily ate their ice cream alongside a bandaged, but still a very conscious monkey, and a bruised up lion who was contently knocked out.)

“And that should be the last of it,” the eighteen year old boy grinned as he then noticed a violet headband hanging next to a stuffed monkey, “whoops, can’t forget that.” He quickly snatched it up and proceeded to put his hair in a ponytail then began to look around his room.

The room, once filled with clothes spread all over the floor, glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, pictures and posters covering the walls, now laid bare with only a few boxes left to the side filled with them all. MK couldn’t stop the sad grin that formed on his face as he took in the sight of his room-old room, he was going to miss this, but he felt that it was time to move out and try living on his own for a while.

Knock Knock

“Sorry I’m not in right now, leave a message,” he jokingly said despite fully knowing who is on the other side.

The door swung open to reveal Macaque fondly rolling his eyes, “Where’d you get that snark from, I’ll never know.”

“Neither shall I.”

The monkey looked around the room, “so it looks like you're about done, you gonna bring it all over to Pigsy?”

“Most of it, yeah, but I have a separate pile I'm donating or giving to Yan munchkins,” he pointed to a few boxes titled ‘Donations’ and ‘Yanyu Gremlins.’

Mac smirked at the name as he gave a little walk around the bare room and noticed that where the bed used to be was a splatter of red paint and a dent in the wall, “huh, so how did this happen?”

MK froze as he saw what he was looking at and gave a nervous grin, “so remember when Mei was over and we had a bunch of paint for that art project.”

“The one about the deities or the one about nature?”

“Nature, and well remember how you found us covered in paint in here.”

“After I told you to keep it in the kitchen or outside so it won't be too hard to clean up, yes.” He deadpanned.

“And we did at first,” he put a finger up, “buttttt I left some of my materials in my room and it was alot, so Mei followed, but we kinda forgot that we still had wet paint all over us and we began to freak out. One thing led to another and Mei may have accidentally used too much force as she was panicking and let to the dent in the wall, which then made us panic even more, so we had the idea of moving the bed to cover the dent, which worked...except now the covers had paint on it and well....”

“Is how I found the both of you freaking out on the bed covered head to toe in paint,” the monkey snorted.

“In hindsight, we probably should have taken off our shoes before walking inside,” he scratched the back of his neck and sat against the wall opposing the window.

“That would have been a smart idea, took us ages to get it all cleaned,” he smirked as he sat beside him.

The teenager sighed as he looked out the window, “I'm gonna miss this.”

“Pfft, who says you can’t come back?” He playfully ruffled his head, “this isn’t a goodbye, but a see you later, you're always welcomed back home anytime.”

“Even if I screw it up time and time again,” he leaned into the touch.

“Even if you managed to wreck the whole country and have a bounty coming from the heavens that could feed nations for lifetimes,” Mac shot back.

MK laughed at the image, “Havoc in Heaven’s sequel, now with more monkeys.”

“And dragons,” the demon added.

“Mei would kick so much ass.”

“She absolutely would,” he chuckled as he continued to thread his fingers through his son's hair.

It was silent and, like so many times before, the two of them took only comfort from it.

“Dad,” MK quietly began.

“Yes comet.”

“… I’m scared,” he curled up into him, “like super duper scared and I have never left you ever since you saved-,”

“You would have-,” Macaque interjected.

“Saved,” he emphasized, “me and I can never thank you enough for just being there but I really want to do this and I really want to try to do things on my own! But I don’t know why I am so scared-wait I do, but it just so stupid and I can’t believe that I feel this way, cause you won’t just up and leave, but I-,” he stopped as he felt his Dad arms encircle him.

“It’s a scary step and I know change is terrifying, but I am so proud that you want to do this. It will be hard, no doubt, and at times it may seem like the whole world is against you, but know that you still have tomorrow waiting for you. So,” he tilted his son's head, “keep your head held high and look towards the stars, cause that right there is your limit starlight.”

MK smiled at his father's words.

“Also I think you may have forgotten something,” he showed off his six ears fluttering. “I have six ears for a reason, so if you ever need help or just need me, just call and-,”

“You’ll come running,” he grinned as he pushed himself further into the monkey's soft fur.

“And don’t you forget it,” he pushed his face into his son's hair and gave a soft kiss on top.

“I won’t,” he whispered out and clutched onto him tightly as both curled up in content.

[cryingcow]

Character Story - Mine [RGGO]

I feel like i just wrote an entire MineDai pre-relationship fanfic with the word count on this >_< There’s a section in Mine’s wiki page about the “The Man Called Yoshitaka Mine” event. I’m pretty sure this takes place after that one, because Mine makes references to things Daigo said when they first met.

When it comes to idioms, I decided to leave in the ones that don’t sound too different from their English counterparts as is. The others I just tried to reword (it took a lot of googling to figure them out lol). Also, please note that anything I write before the chapter starts is shit I made up, don’t take them as facts XD

Story: Mine, Chairman of the Hakuho Clan, meets up with Sixth Chairman Dojima. He then goes out for drinks with his boss, loses him in a public toilet, and ends up saving the day with his inherent skepticism that Daigo could be sleeping with a woman (either because our boy Mine’s gaydar is on point, or he believes that the words “Daigo” and “get laid” could never occur in the same sentence).

Mine: (I wish I could be his friend so he could smile at me like that . . . but it seems I am fated to only know him as the Sixth Chairman . . .)

Daigo: “Hey Mine wanna get some drinks together?”

Mine: :O

.

CHAPTER 1

.

[Tojo Headquarters]

Driver: “Well, Chairman Mine. This is where you get off.”

Mine: “Ah.”

Mine: (Today’s my meeting with Chairman Dojima. Heh. I’ve really gotten far.)

Mine: “Hm? That’s . . .”

{Daigo walks by, talking to someone on the phone.}

Mine: “Is that Chairman Dojima? He seems to be on the phone with someone.”

Daigo: “Hahaha. It’s hard work. But I’m fine.”

Telephone voice: “But Daigo-san. Ever since becoming chairman, you’ve become a distant person!”

Daigo: “What, would you like to come visit the Tojo Headquarters next time? It’s full of yakuza . . .”

Telephone voice: “No way! Just treat me to some cabarets and soaplands!”

Daigo: “Idiot, use your own money! Ha ha ha!”

Mine: (. . . Is the other party on the phone a friend of Chairman Dojima? . . . From what I heard, Chairman Dojima was playing around with his friends in the city before he assumed the position of Sixth Chairman. Must be a friend from that time period. I thought he was strict, but it seems he can make that kind of expression . . . to a friend . . .)

Daigo: “Oh, Mine. You’re here.”

Mine: “It’s nice to meet you, Chairman.”

----

[Tojo HQ – Chairman’s Office]

Daigo: “. . . That’s all for today. Good luck from now on.”

Mine: “Yes. I will live up to your expectations.”

Mine: (By exchanging a cup with him, you entrust your life . . . It seems that I may only know this person as the Sixth Chairman . . .)

Daigo: “Hm? What is it, Mine? What’s wrong?”

Mine: “. . . no. It’s nothing. Excuse me.”

Daigo: “Really?”

Mine: (Now I have to fulfill my duties faithfully. To be Chairman Dojima’s . . . the Tojo Clan’s backbone.)

Daigo: “. . . Wait. Mine. Are you free tonight?”

Mine: “Tonight? I don’t have any plans . . .”

Daigo: “Then, do you want to go out for drinks?”

Mine: “Eh?”

Daigo: “It’s late, but consider it a celebration of the direct promotion of the Hakuho Clan. In addition, I’ve never had a drink with you yet.”

Mine: “. . .”

Daigo: “How about it? I know a good place.”

Mine: “. . . Yeah. I’ll be happy to.”

----

[Champion District]

Mine: (. . . no way. To receive an invitation from Chairman Dojima . . . I’m in trouble. What do I even talk about . . .)

{Off to the side, a thug and a yakuza are yelling and fighting.}

Mine: (Jeez. It’s a noisy town. The Chairman will arrive anytime now.)

{The thug and the yakuza keep fighting. The yakuza shoves the thug, and he bumps into Mine.}

Mine: “. . . ku!”

Thug: “What are you standing around there for!”

Mine: “. . . If you two are having a dispute, can you do it elsewhere?”

Thug: “We can have disputes wherever we want!”

Mine: “. . . You’re an eyesore. Scraps.”

Yakuza: “Scraps?”

Mine: “Yeah. Garbage. Messy trash dirtying the Chairman’s path. The Chairman will feel uncomfortable with guys like you around. Get lost now.”

Yakuza: “What part of it don’t you understand! We’re not going anywhere!”

Mine: “I guess it can’t be helped then. I’ll have to announce the Chairman’s arrival before he comes. Bring it on, scraps!”

{Mine takes care of the garbage.}

Mine: “Hn. Not so mouthy now.”

Daigo’s voice: “I think they’ve had enough, Mine.”

Mine: “Chairman Dojima . . .”

Daigo: “Did I keep you waiting?”

Mine: “No . . . I just arrived myself. Even so, a place like this? There’s a lot to be said about the location, the security . . .”

Daigo: “This is my favorite bar. When it comes to drinking, this is the best place.”

Mine: “Is that so . . . hm?”

Bodyguards: “. . .”

Daigo: “They’re coming along while we drink. Those guys are at work, don’t mind them.”

Mine: “I don’t have a problem. This is for the safety of Chairman Dojima.”

Mine: (Now, since I was invited, I have to be enthusiastic . . . It’s time to forget my daily duties and just enjoy myself tonight.)

----

[Bar that might be Shellac unless it’s just reused assets]

Daigo: “Fuu. I finally got a drink. I can’t do without this.”

Mine: “. . . Chairman Dojima, you seem tired. Are the Chairman’s duties difficult?”

Daigo: “Ah, it’s very hard. For days it seems I’ve done nothing but work.”

{A couple overhears and starts whispering near them. The woman wonders what Daigo is a chairman of, but the man says he’s probably no one important.}

Daigo: “. . .”

Mine: “. . .”

Daigo: “. . . Hey, Mine. Why are you calling me Chairman Dojima today? It’s too stiff.”

Mine: “Sorry. I didn’t realize. Then . . . Daigo-san. That’s what I’ll call you.”

Daigo: “Ah, that’s fine.”

Daigo: “You know . . . the Fourth Chairman Kiryu-san’s existence is far greater than I thought. It seems even among those who don’t openly oppose, many are still dissatisfied with my appointment as Sixth Chairman.”

Mine: (Kiryu Kazuma . . . his name will always come up when you talk with Daigo-san . . .)

Mine: “That person, Kiryu, to Daigo-san . . . is he like your aniki?”

Daigo: “Aniki? . . .That’s right, something like that. I can’t express it in one word. But family, no . . . he may be more than that.”

Mine: (More than family? Something that far?)

Daigo: “That person is now running an orphanage in Okinawa. There, he seems to be living in peace with his new family.”

Mine: “An orphanage . . .”

Daigo: “Life in Okinawa is the peace he finally got. I want to protect it, whatever happens . . .”

Mine: (For Daigo-san to declare as much . . . Kiryu Kazuma . . . must be quite the man.)

----

|2 hours later . . .|

Daigo: “Hahaha! Kanda’s face at the time must have been a masterpiece.”

Mine: “Yeah! Once my anger passed, I was amazed. He had a face like a sumo wrestler’s after I hit it.”

Daigo: “Ha-Hahaha! Su-Sumo wrestler-!”

Mine: (It seems he’s having fun. This is nice . . .)

Daigo: “By the way, Mine. Are you a private person? When it comes to friends . . .”

Mine: “Eh? Private? Me? . . . Hm? A phone?”

{A phone goes off with a notification.}

Daigo: “O-oh. It looks like I got . . . an email . . .”

Mine: “. . . !”

Mine: (What? Daigo-san’s face . . . is turning pale . . .)

Daigo: “. . .”

Mine: “What’s wrong?”

Daigo: “. . . N-no. It’s not a big deal. It’s my work email. Good grief, they must be bored. I don’t usually get emails at times like this.”

Bodyguards: “. . .”

Mine: (Daigo-san looks upset. Who did the email come from?)

.

-END-

.

CHAPTER 2

.

[Bar]

Daigo: “. . .”

Mine: (Daigo-san. Since that email arrived, he’s been acting strange. He keeps looking at the time, and acting like he doesn’t want to be here anymore. Who did that email come from?)

Mine: “. . . Um. Daigo-san, are you okay? Your complexion looks bad.”

Daigo: “No, it’s fine. I just feel a little sick.”

Mine: (Are you hiding something?)

{There’s a commotion outside. Two yakuza brothers are trying to enter the bar, but Bodyguard A says monkeys like them aren’t allowed inside. They get into a fight.}

Bodyguard B: “Sounds like trouble outside. I’ll go help.”

Mine: (Not again. It really is a noisy town.)

Daigo: “. . . Now’s my chance.”

Mine: “Eh?”

Daigo: “Mine, actually there’s something I need to tell you . . . I need to get out of here alone.”

Mine: “Get . . . out?”

Daigo: “Lately, my bodyguards have been hanging around all the time, and I’m getting sick of it. They even follow me to the toilet . . . I can’t even stretch out my wings. That’s why I want to be alone for once and take a break.”

Mine: (. . . he wants to be alone? What do I say to that?)

Mine: “By any chance . . . does the content of the email you received have something to do with this?”

Daigo: “! . . . No Mine, it’s not like that. As I said . . .”

Mine: (He keeps glancing around the place. What is it?)

Mine: “. . . understood.”

Daigo: “So you’ll let me go?!”

Mine: “Yeah. It’s likely you’ll still try to leave even if I say no. However . . . please let me accompany you. As your bodyguard.”

Daigo: “Wh-what? You too?”

Mine: “It is expected that as the Sixth Chairman, you cannot be walking around alone. ‘I will accompany you as a bodyguard’ . . . that’s the last oath your subordinates swear by.”

Daigo: “. . . Alright. Then come along with me. We should be able to get out through the back door.”

Mine: (Daigo-san’s expression when he received the email is no small matter . . . When it’s just the two of us outside, maybe then he’ll tell me what’s going on.)

Middle-aged Man: “. . .”

----

[Children’s Park]

Daigo: “Fuu. Somehow I found it.”

Mine: “. . . Daigo-san, what are you doing? You said you wanted to stretch out your wings.”

Daigo: “. . . Ah, that’s right . . . I felt like wanting to move my body somewhere.”

Mine: “If so, there’s a batting center nearby. How about that?”

Daigo: “A-Ah, that’s great! It’s been a while, I feel like hitting some balls!”

Mine: “. . . By the way, Daigo-san. About the email earlier . . .”

Daigo: “!”

Mine: “Are you hiding something from me? If you’re in trouble, I might be able to help.”

Daigo: “. . . . . . No, it’s a personal problem. It’s not something I should be telling you.”

Mine: “But . . .”

Daigo: “. . . . . . Mine, I understand your concern. From my position, it seems I am always threatened by danger to my person. I don’t know what or when it will happen. There’s no guarantee of tomorrow’s safety.”

Mine: “Daigo-san?”

Daigo: “. . . No, it’s a long story. Don’t worry about it. Well, you said the batting center, right? It’s been a while. Mine, will you join me?”

Mine: “Yeah. I’ll take you up on that.”

Mine: (Daigo-san is still hiding something. But, why won’t he tell me?)

Daigo: “. . . Don’t get cold, Mine. I’m going to the toilet.”

Mine: “Understood. I’ll be standing guard right here in front, so take your time.”

Daigo: “I’ll be right back.”

{Daigo enters the public toilets. Mine takes his position by the exit. A few minutes pass.}

Mine: “. . . . . . . . . he’s taking his time . . . unless . . .”

{Mine rushes to the toilets.}

Mine: “Not here . . .! He’s gone! Did he go out through the window?! He took his chance the moment he was alone! Fuck, what do I do . . .”

----

[Children’s Park]

Bodyguard A: “Ah! You!”

Mine: “Tch! At a time like this . . . !”

Bodyguard A: “Where is Chairman Dojima?!”

Mine: “. . . I don’t know. I’m also looking for him.”

Bodyguard A: “You’re lying! Did you bring him outside?!”

Bodyguard B: “You, no way . . . did you plan to kidnap Chairman Dojima all along?”

Mine: “Kidnap? You idiot, why would I?”

Bodyguard B: “Until recently, you were a regular man. You might be a spy sent by an enemy organization.”

Mine: “That’s a stupid idea. Right now we need to-“

Bodyguard A: “Whatever. If you don’t plan on spitting out the Chairman’s whereabouts, would you like us to make you talk?!”

Mine: “Tch. I guess it can’t be helped.”

{Mine beats the shit out of Daigo’s bodyguards.}

Bodyguard A: “Fu . . . ck . . . so strong . . .”

Bodyguard B: “Stupid. We are the elite . . .”

Mine: “Fuck! Get out of the way! Daigo-san . . .”

----

[West Shichifuku Street]

Mine: “Not here . . . Where?!”

Barker: “Nii-san, Onee-chan, why not come have fun at our place?”

Mine: “A barker? No, not right . . . now . . . wait, are you always working in this area?”

Barker: “Eh? That’s correct, why?”

Mine: “Did a man in his mid-thirties with black hair, a black suit, and a good physique pass by here?”

Barker: “Yeah, he did.”

Mine: “What?! Do you know where he went?”

Barker: “Where he went . . . I think he took a taxi somewhere.”

Mine: “Taxi?”

Barker: “Yeah. He was joined by a young and beautiful Onee-chan.”

Mine: “Eh? O-Onee-chan?”

Bodyguard A: “So . . . a woman.”

Mine: “!”

Bodyguard B: “I thought he was acting funny when he received the email at the bar. That ‘I’ve done it’ face. It seems that he missed a promised meetup with the woman.”

Mine: “Then, Daigo-san wanted to be alone . . .”

Bodyguard A: “Because he has a secret rendezvous. With who, I don’t know.”

Mine: “Somehow found . . .”

Bodyguard A: “A bad boy is attractive to a woman. Besides his money and his status, he’s also handsome.”

Mine: “. . . he said he wanted to move his body . . .”

Bodyguard B: “Heh. It’s nice to have a great time.”

Bodyguard A: “It can’t be helped. You should call it a night. You had a hard time too.”

Mine: “Stupid . . .”

.

-END-

.

CHAPTER 3

.

[West Shichifuku Street]

Mine: “Did Daigo-san go somewhere in a taxi? And with a young woman?”

Bodyguard A: “Chairman Dojima is unmarried, has money, and he’s handsome. It’s no wonder he’s popular. Right now, he’s probably with a model or an actress.”

Bodyguard B: “He should be careful not to get involved in a scandal.”

Bodyguard A: “Now, let’s head back. You should go home too.”

Mine: “. . .”

----

Daigo: “. . .”

Thug Leader: “As promised, did you come alone?”

Daigo: “Yeah. My faithful subordinate tried to follow me, but I left without telling him where I went. I made him think I was secretly meeting with a woman.”

Thug Leader: “. . . Is that right. Did you bring the money?”

Daigo: “Yeah.”

{Daigo hands over a bag. The leader unzips it to reveal cash.}

Thug Leader: “. . . Everything seems to be here.”

Daigo: “Will you keep your end of the bargain?”

Thug Leader: “Yeah. Don’t lay a hand on Kiryu Kazuma. He’ll be living in peace in Okinawa from now on.”

Daigo: “. . .”

Thug Leader: “Even so, that Kiryu person must be really important to you.  . . . Is he your weak point?”

Daigo: “. . . What are you trying to say?”

Thug Leader: “It’s amazing that the Tojo Clan’s Sixth Chairman can be lured out over one person.”

Daigo: “What?”

Thug Leader: “You still don’t get it? I’m saying this time it’s your turn to be the hostage!! Stupid! The aim was to get you all alone from the very beginning! If we kidnap you, we’ll get far more ransom money!”

Daigo: “Fuck . . .”

Man’s voice: “So . . . it was all for Kiryu-san. I figured that would be the case.”

Daigo: “Mi-Mine?”

Mine: “Daigo-san, I had a hard time looking for you.”

Daigo: “Why are you here?”

Mine: “You think you can get away with such an obvious lie? . . . That barker, you paid him off.”

Daigo: “But he didn’t know about this place . . .”

Mine: “. . . Yeah. There are countless taxi companies in Kamurocho. Too many candidates to question where you went. And those guys won’t give out customer information, saying it’s ‘personal information’. So it couldn’t be helped. I had to resort to buying the taxis off. When that didn’t work, I bought off the taxi companies. When you become a stakeholder, you gain access to customers’ information.”

Daigo: “You did that for each company?”

Mine: “It took hundreds of millions. Heh. It was a huge expense.”

Daigo: “Mine . . . Why did you go so far . . . just for me?”

Mine: “. . . Daigo-san. I’ve shared a cup with you. That’s not something I take halfheartedly. I’m ready to sacrifice everything just for you. Forever and always. There are absolute bonds in the yakuza world . . . you taught me that.”

Daigo: “. . . Mine . . .”

Thug Leader: “O-Oi! Who are you to come barging in and interrupting us! I’ll kill you if you interfere!”

Daigo: “Kill him? You don’t seem to understand the situation. With this guy here, you’re the one who’s going to have a bad time.”

Thug Leader: “Ha?”

Daigo: “Mine here looks like a regular man . . . but don’t you know he’s actually really strong? I can trust him to have my back.”

Mine: “!”

Daigo: “. . . Mine. With you here, we can take on a hundred people.”

Mine: “Yeah. Let’s show them how we do things.”

Daigo: “Let’s go, Mine!”

Mine: “Yeah!”

{Mine and Daigo take down the whole gang.}

Thug Leader: “How . . . there are so many of us . . .”

Mine: “You . . . which organization are you with?!”

Thug Leader: “Guh! Th-That’s . . .”

Mine: “Answer me!!”

Thug Leader: “Ta-Takashima Family . . .”

Mine: “Takashima Family? As in ‘The Four Kings of Omi’ Takashima Family remnants? Chairman, what are you going to do? The Omi will want to hear this . . .”

Daigo: “. . . No, I won’t tell the Omi. Even with the conflict finally over, I don’t want to make needless waves over these excommunicated members. The police can handle them.”

Mine: “Is that so . . . . . . Daigo-san, will you finally tell me what’s going on this time?”

Daigo: “. . . Yeah. The thing is . . . I was being threatened before today.”

Mine: “Before?”

Daigo: “‘If you want to protect the peace of Kiryu Kazuma, pay the money. If you tell anyone, his peace will be lost.’ I got an email telling me where to go. Along with a stolen shot of Kiryu-san.”

Mine: “His peace . . . then that means they didn’t directly take Kiryu as a hostage, right?”

Daigo: “Yeah. If they did that, they would be in trouble. Their opponent is a legendary yakuza. However, there are many ways to ‘disturb the peace’.”

Mine: “So that’s why. And you’re Daigo-san. You wanted to protect him at all costs.”

Daigo: “. . . Yeah. I’ve secretly stationed a bodyguard around Kiryu-san. Just earlier, I received a photo of the bodyguard killed.”

Mine: “That’s the email you received at the bar . . .”

Daigo: “As soon as I saw that picture, I had to move.”

Mine: “Daigo-san, why didn’t you tell me this sooner? If you had, I would have been able to help.”

Daigo: “‘Someone is watching you’, the email said, so I couldn’t speak about it. In fact, there was a guy there at the bar watching us. And this is my personal problem. I didn’t want to get you involved.”

Mine: “That’s why . . . it’s unreasonable for you to act on your own. You are the Sixth Chairman of the Tojo Clan, an organization with hundreds of thousands of members in the East. I don’t know the Fourth Chairman or the Legendary Dragon, but acting alone to protect one individual . . .”

Daigo: “. . . It was unavoidable. Kiryu-san is a special person to me.”

Mine: “Which is more important, the clan or one person?”

Daigo: “! Th-That’s . . .”

Mine: “Before, you told me that the clan members are like your family. Isn’t that right? You’re giving priority to someone who’s not even a member of the clan. Are you not aware of that as the Chairman?”

Daigo: “Mine . . . you’re right. I’m sorry. I still have a long way to go.”

----

|A few days later . . .|

[Tojo HQ – Chairman’s Office]

Mine: “Eh? Me be the Headquarters’ Junior Head Assistant?”

Daigo: “Yeah. I’ve been looking for someone to be Junior Assistant.”

Mine: “. . .”

Daigo: “What? You don’t want to?”

Mine: “No, it’s just . . . the other day we had just been promoted to be a direct subsidiary of the clan. I haven’t raised any tribute since then.”

Daigo: “Didn’t you entrust your life to me? Did you not say you were prepared to sacrifice everything for me?”

Mine: “!”

Daigo: “. . . Mine. I realized something the other day. You . . . you’re the one I can trust with my back.”

Mine: “Daigo-san . . .”

Daigo: “In addition, there’s no one in the Tojo Clan now who can preach to me face-to-face besides Kashiwagi-san, Mine.”

Mine: “I might have gone a bit overboard . . .”

Daigo: “So what do you say? Will you accept it?”

Mine: “. . . Of course. I will be happy to accept it . . . Daigo-san.”

Daigo: “That’s great! I’m counting on you, Mine!”

----

[Tojo Headquarters]

Mine: (Junior Head Assistant. That was an unexpected harvest . . .)

Mine: (A man named Kiryu Kazuma. He’s a danger . . . I won’t let Daigo-san take such a reckless action again. I can’t leave that matter alone, as Daigo-san’s new Junior Assistant . . .)

.

-END-

Masterlist

[jeeperso]

D&D Quotes Without Context

Treasure Island edition, Chapter 4

OOC: But yeah, my point is that Irost treats Jonni with all the regard of a five year old obliviously hitting a beehive with a stick. Gorbash: "On the one hand I should stop this. On the other...He's fire resistant and it'll be really funny." OOC: To the boat mobile! "Why is the world jam packed with such idiots? Every Schmo has a fantasy that the planet revolves around them. It rains, a cart crash happens, they say 'How can this happen to me?' But for us, this isn't a fantasy, it is a reality. Oh yes! If Flint were alive today, he'd be eating microwaved sushi, naked in the back of bathhouse with all of us. The project of his life is now toy of ours. History... Tradition... Culture... are not concepts. These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with these riches will be our masterpiece!" Amber has been working on the ship almost non-stop, barely taking a break for rest. She knows she can improve it, making it better, faster, stronger. If only the others could see the extra cogs on the side of the ship make it go faster, the tiny spikes on the armor plating may counteract that increased speed but keep the barnacles off the ship. It all makes perfect sense if you just think about it! "Mariah, I believe that crowd control of this nature is your expertise, and calls for some of your... ahem special herbs." “I gave them some yesterday.” "Well that would explain why they are singing and not trying to kill us" “We should monetize this on YouOrb.” GM: Magnus, you apparently can do the rumba with the best of them. Amber, you have your foot stuck in a bucket, and as part of the song you got thrown overboard. MJ: “You should get them. I’ll record.” GM: Shortly after this bout of insanity, the wind finally returns. The Crew look at each other and silently agrees to never speak of this again. Except Osprey. He was totally down for this kind of nonsense. You're not even sure if he had cabin fever. Janus: "As long as he's not lighting anything on fire I approve." Dingo hangs silently above Osprey, a kitchen knife clasped in one tiny claw. Magnus composes himself, recites from the book of Armaments, chapter 12, as if nothing happened and he was not ranting from the saga of the Hudson's Hawk. GM: It is also extra forbidden, to mention the part where the First Mate, Manna'Ti, and Crewman O'brian were in hula skirts. Which definitely did not occur, and anyone who says otherwise will get the lash. "And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chulapas." Cookie: "Conga.. conga... oh, are we done...?" GM OOC: Assume Cookie had a breakdance solo in there somewhere. Amber: "Yes, I've been here before. A massive waterspout that nearly took out the ship when it sprang up in front of us, lightning strikes multiple times with no storm clouds overhead, but no winds for 5 days is strange even for here." MJ: “Sounds like the work of cocaine wizards. Those guys are way too high strung. Meth wizards are the worst though. And they have terrible teeth.” Janus: "There was one of them at my school at Miskatnoic. At first we thought he was a zombie. As it turns out being a zombie and a meth wizard are not mutually exclusive." "My patron is the Prince of Worldly Libations for a reason. I will try to consult with him for where to start looking......No, wait, I forgot he is by appointment only." Deathspike reef: warning dangerous waters, BarrenHunkofrock (doesn't sound promising for resupply), and a few other equally ominous sounding names. One that sounds promising and seems well placed for you is simply called Gonk Island. "Well, the only place that sounds good is Gonk Island. Whatever a Gonk is." "Well, it's either an extinct species of giant lizard or a species of gnome." “Right, Gonk Island has magic smart monkies! I’ll bring extra weed to trade with.” "Be careful Mariah, we would not wish to violate any of the laws of these Apes. Their Ape Law as it were." "I have heard to keep them from ever handling a spanner or pair of locking pliers." "I cannot say no to those eyes, and the map DOES run on Blood Magic..." "Melfina, this island could be crawling with unknown and dangerous creatures. It would be irresponsible of us to take you along, mayhaps after we have had a chance to scout out the area." "I think Amber is right my dear. Once we've made sure the island is safe you can come with us, for now it may be best if you hang back." “Eh, what’s the worst that can happen.” OOC: And cue smash cut... "Melfina, I'm over a thousand years old. I've seen the sad eyes bit from every cute being in existence at least once." Thunderclap of tin sheet. Gnome whinnies. Tortle noises. It doesn't take long for the ship to reach Gonk Island, not to find a safe harbor. The Island's coastline has a number of natural bays for vessels to shelter in. The Captain sends three longboats each with their own teams. Your group, consists of yourselves, Melfina, Gut Punch, and Headless Bill. Headless Bill doesn't say much, naturally. Janus takes over rowing duties, while looking at Headless Bill "...Where does his food go?" "Ask not questions you do not want answers to." "Wise words." "Row faster, I can hear the Squire's puns from here." OOC: It's gonna be Skull Island and Melfina is gonna be sacrificed to King Kong. "You and your short cuts!" “It was Dingo’s short cut!” "THEY DIDN'T START CHASING US TILL YOU STARTED PLAYING THAT GETAWAY MUSIC." "Which is impressive since we don't even have a bard." "It is that darn gnome with his sound effects, he started doing thematic music for situations." Janus picks something up, "And I believe this is the seed of the famed Truffula tree, long thought to be extinct and..." *looks closer* "No. No this is a rock." GM: Janus you go to examine an interesting leaf, which turns out to be a camouflaged insect which flies into your eye when disturbed. GM: MJ points out several different edible, water storing, medicinal, and recreation plants. MJ: And is actively collecting the recreational ones. “I got this.” MJ steps forward and speaks in Sylvan, “Bah Weep, Granna Weep, Ninnibong,” and offers them a joint. "Is the the guy who replaced his gums with pickles?" “So, hey, I’m sure we can settle this peacefully…” Neither side seems to like that. “I think you got him,” MJ says as she’s sprayed with lizard gizzards from twenty feet away. OOC: A hit like that and i'm pretty sure you killed his ghost, too. GM: Now the apes decide to go apeshit on these lizardfolk. (I forgot that the apes also attack twice last round.) OOC: On Bobo, On Peanut. MJ coughs out a snowball, “I gotta remember the blend I used on this one.” "It has a cool peppermint smell to it, I appreciate that." OOC: Cue up the queen music because another one bites the dust. OOC: Wait, what are gut punch and headless joe doing during all of this? OOC2: On break. Goonion rules. GM: The lizard pirate leaps on Archie, striking out with weapon and even teeth in a last desperate attack. At the very least he'll go down fighting. Player: Archie just kind of stands there and takes it, acting like someone with a rowdy kitten climbing over them. Archie just kind of soft ball tosses the kremling at Amber to hit. “Why am I covered in goos?” "I believe that's my line. Damn Archie, you need to tone it down so metimes, these clothes are machine wash only." "Melfina can fly, one of them doesn't have a head, and they just saw w hat we do to people who piss us off." “I think Melfina would love to see Gorilla City, but whatevs.”

[365days365movies]

March 5, 2021: The Tale of the Princess Kaguya (2013) (Part One)

Once upon a time, there was a bamboo cutter.

In 2019, the anime Kaguya-sama: Love is War came out, and the third season’s supposed to come out later this year. I love this show a lot, honestly, and it’s actually based on an old Japanese story: 竹取物語, or The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter. I’d go into it, but obviously I’m also about to watch the movie based on it from 2013.

It reminds me of a Japanese Thumbelina, to be honest, although I know that they aren’t perfectly analogous. At least, I hope not. It’s not a great movie. Plus, it was one of the first movies I remember watching as a kid, so I’m good.

But yeah, this should be interesting! I’m definitely digging this form of the fantasy genre. You know, films based on folklore and mythology of a given country. Not necessarily what everybody thinks of, but it’s definitely within the genre. Still, I kinda want to branch out from Japan in the next few days. Still, let’s start with this one, yeah?

This film is yet another Studio Ghibli film, but Miyazaki’s not involved. No, this one is an Isao Takahata joint, and he was another one of the founders of Ghibli alongside Miyazaki. This was the last film he directed before his death in 2018. And he never got the same publicity overseas as Miyazaki, but he deserves some love. I’ve seen one other film of his, his first with Studio Ghibli. And...

...that was an experience. An experience that I have NO WILL TO REPEAT. Grave of the Fireflies is an amazing film. It’s also about two siblings surviving in Japan during World War II, in poverty. And no, they don’t die of radiation poisoning because of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

It’s so...SO much more depressing than that. Yeah. Not exaggerating. BUT WE ARE NOT GOING INTO THAT BEAUTIFUL, TRAMAUTIZING MASTERPIECE NIGHTMARE!!! We’re going into some that I genuinely hope isn’t as depressing. I’ll find out first-hand, I guess! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/3)

Right from the opening credits, I already have a comment to make: the art style is meant to invoke classic Japanese paintings, and the effect is absolutely breathtaking. It’s a gorgeous movie right off the bat, but I won’t let that distract me...much.

Bamboo cutter Sanuki no Miyatsuko (James Caan) does just that: he cuts bamboo for a living, using it for many things. One day, in the forest, he sees a glowing bamboo stalk, which he tentatively approaches. The light creates a new bamboo shoot, inside of which, well...

Unsure of this little bamboo princess, he hesitantly approaches as she smiles at him and falls asleep in the flower. Thinking it a gift from heaven, Miyatsuko takes the tiny princess into his hands, and brings her home to his Wife (Mary Steenburgen). They decide to raise her, and as the Bamboo Cutter’s Wife takes the princess into her hands, she jumps about and seemingly transforms into a human infant. 

The two are quite confused by this whole affair, but believe her to be a gift from heaven, being a miraculous little bamboo princess and all. She also apparently has the ability to cause instant lactation in the Wife, which is a TERRIFYING superpower when you think about it. Think about it: you’re walking down the street, when suddenly some person in a milkman or milkmaid costume jumps out from the shadow, points at you, and says “MILK!!!” and BAM! Now, Fred’s lactating.

Never said that power was limited by gender, now did I?

OK, weird-ass milk segue aside, this baby starts to grow REAL fuckin’ quickly, and a group of plum blossom trees bloom nearby The two pledge to raise the child as their own, in that Jonathan and Martha Kent-style, and they name her "Hime”, which means Princess.

Y’know, for an animated baby, she’s a cute-ass baby, I gotta say. I mean, look at this shit. Look at this CUTE-ASS SHIT.

My ovaries are twitching right now, and I don’t even HAVE that shit. Should I...should I see a doctor?

That tumbling act above leads her to learning to walk, all of which is evidenced by a group of neighborhood kids, who notice both her rapid physical and behavioral growth, and note that she’s growing as fast as bamboo. And yeah, she goes from infant to toddler in a few minutes as she’s learning to walk.

The kids nickname her “Lil’ Bamboo” (Takenoko in Japanese), and she continues to grow up quick. She learns to speak, and spends days with Miyatsuko as he cuts bamboo in the forest. On one of these days, she wanders off and meets a group of wild baby boars. And yeah, you’re right, IT IS cute as SHIT.

The mother boar doesn’t think so, and she charges the helpless Hime. However, she’s saved from a grisly fate by a young man named Sutemaru (Darren Criss), who also notes her rapid growth. And yeah, she goes from toddler to young child over the course of this interaction.

Sutemaru and the young kids from earlier go through the forest with Hime, bringing her along. And she seems to know the words to the song, somehow. She then chimes in with a song of her own, and I’m gonna see if I can find the lyrics in their original Japanese.

Well, I did, and translations aren’t great, but this is pretty similar to what’s being said in the original audio. So, yeah, we’ll go for it. By the way, the actress singing this and playing young Hime is Caitlyn Leone. Just wanted to give her some credit, because this is an interesting song that she sings.

At the end of it, she begins to cry, although she doesn’t know why. The kids basically brush it off, and go to bring her back to the bamboo grove, and to Miyatsuko. He’s searching for her, worries, when he comes across yet another glowing bamboo shoot. This time, when he cuts it open, gold spills out of it.

Time passes, and Hime continues to grow quickly, befriending the kids and Sutemaru, to whom she grows quite close over the summer. Meanwhile, another glowing bamboo shot appears, and from it come fine silks and fabrics. This, alongside the gold from before, leads Miyatsuki to believe that Heaven wants them to raise Hime to be a noble princess, one worthy of the fine fabrics they’ve received.

While his wife is unsure about that, his mind is made up, and he heads to the capital to build a mansion suitable for this lifestyle. Summer ends, and autumn harvest begins, by which time she’s grown up from child to pre-teen. She also changes voice actresses (in English, anyway), now being played by Chloë Grace Moretz.

Sutemaru notices this, too, and worries that she’ll keep growing and leave them behind. She says that that’ll never happen. And then, as she goes home that night...it does. Yeah, damn, and she promised and everything. But yeah, the little Bamboo family heads to the capital, where Hime is quickly taught the ways of a proper lady.

She’s confused by the changes, but her parents (dressed up in traditional robes and face paint, I’m assuming) quickly inform her that they own the mansion, as well as the many fine robes from the bamboo, and that they will be living there from now on. She takes it well. And that’s not an ironic segue, I actually mean that she takes it pretty damn well.

Maybe a little too well, as she frolics about and trips over a very proper woman, who chides her for unladylike behavior. This is her governess, Lady Sagami (Lucy Liu), and she’s been brought from the palace to teach Hime in the ways of being a noble lady.

Hime struggles with these lessons and the new high society lifestyle, especially as opposed to her previous country life. But then, sometimes she surprises the often frustrated Sagami, like with the koto, a traditional stringed instrument in Japan.

Soon enough, Hime comes of age, and the excited Miyatsuki plans a straight-up period party as celebration. Hime asks if she can invite her friends, but he adamantly refuses this request. Miyatsuki’s trying very hard to get Hime into the life of nobility, but her mother is a lot more understanding of her struggles.

Said struggles continue, as they attempt to prepare her for the upcoming party, and she refuses to get her eyebrows plucked, amongst other procedures. Ah, the trappings of a society that forces women into extremely restrictive gender roles, said the cisgender dude who’s ever taken a gender-studies course, but still basically gets the gist of the whole thing, probably.

In the lead-up to the party, Miyatsuki invites Inde no Akita (George Segal), a nobleman tasked with renaming princesses for formal ceremonies, based upon their true essence. He first sees her playing with a cat outside, for which Miyatsuki apologizes. Akita doesn’t seem to mind too much, though.

In a more formal meeting, Akita’s struck by her young beauty, and she plays to koto form him. He thus names her “The Shining Princess of the Supple Bamboo”. In Japanese, she’s called Kaguya-hime. Hence, the Princess Kaguya.

Party-time, and Princess Kaguya is presented with her new name publicly, but is not doing anything at the party, almost like a prize or trophy for the men who have attended the party. Said party goes on for...THREE DAYS? Jesus CHRIST, how much sake do they fuckin’ HAVE?

However, the party begins to go south when the partygoers question why her face is hidden behind blinds, and that she’s basically just a common girl whose father paid for a ceremony beyond their station. Basically, they’re being dicks. And Hime hears, well...all of it. And responds understandably, and...to be frank, beautifully.

The art style turns sketchy and frantic as Hime runs away from the palace at hull speed, under the light of the full moon hanging above. It’s...gorgeous. Absolutely beautifully animated, I gotta say. And the music and sound, too! It’s just...beautiful.

She runs all the way back to her old village, where we can see that time has passed a bit. Not just in terms of Hime’s personal growth, but in terms of a baby from before, now visibly a little older. That isn’t all that’s changed, though, as all of Hime’s friends have apparently moved away.

Turns out that the mountain has been harvested to its fullest for wood, without destroying sustainability. Because of this, a man tells her that the families will likely not return for another 10 years. Interestingly enough, though, this conversation confirms that this movie has taken place over the course of a year, as Hime has never experienced the seasons in full.

After this realization, an exhausted Hime passes out in the show, only to wake up once again in the castle. Was it a dream? It would appear to be so.

Never have I seen a better place to pause. See you in Part 2!

[willow-salix]

Isolation update!

Day 74 of Isolation on Tracy Island

“What on earth are you two doing?” Gordon asked, popping up out of nowhere like a tropical jack-in-the-box, his shirt flapping in the breeze, making us both jump.

We were doing nothing more exciting than stretching out on the couch, where I had forced John to settle by laying on him and then demanded he read to me. And since that was actually a pretty normal occurrence, I was at a loss as to what he was referring to. Knowing him he'd just declared today to be "eat with your toes day" or something equally ridiculous and was annoyed we weren't playing along.

John stopped reading to glare at him. I lifted my head off his shoulder to join in with the glaring.

“We were trying to have a quiet moment without constant interruptions,” I told him. Why did he have to have so many brothers?

“I told you we should have gone up to Five for a few days,” John sighed, picking up the book again and continuing to read from where he had left off. I snuggled closer to listen.

“This supernatural soliciting

Cannot be ill, cannot be good. If ill,

Why hath it given me earnest of success,

Commencing in a truth? I am Thane of Cawdor.

If good, why do I yield to that suggestion

Whose horrid image doth unfix my hair

And make my seated heart knock at my ribs,

Against the use of nature? Present fears

Are less than-”

“That! That’s what I meant. What are you doing?” Gordon interrupted again.

“Trying to read Macbeth, obviously,” I grumbled.

“Why? It’s rubbish. No one reads that sort of thing any more.”

“Sure they do. Did you not read Shakespear in highschool?” I asked.

“Only when I had to, not for fun," he sneered that last word in the same tone people use when they have just trodden in something disgusting or realised there is no milk left in the house.

“You don’t know what you’re missing,” I told him.

“You two are so weird, there are billions of books out there and you are reading one so old that hardly anyone can even understand it any more.”

“We understand it, or we wouldn't be reading it,” John sighed. “It’s not our fault that it’s too intellectual for you.”

“I could understand it just fine if I wanted to!” Gordon protested. We snorted in disbelief. “Hey! I can be an intellectual too, I can be smart. Move over!”

He shoved our legs out of the way, forcing us to sit up and dropped down next to me on the couch.

“Do you have to be here?” John asked.

“Yes. I’m going to prove that I’m smart, keep reading.”

John sighed but continued where he had left off, obviously knowing that there is very little point arguing with him.

“Are less than horrible imaginings.

My thought, whose murder yet is but fantastical.

Shakes so my single state of man.

That function is smothered in-”

“Nope! I can’t do it! It’s just so boring!” Gordon wailed.

“Heathen!” I smacked him with a cushion.

“Out of my sight! Thou doth infect my eyes!” John flicked his forehead.

“What was that?” Gordon asked, beginning to laugh. “Did you just insult me in your weird Shakespear language?”

"Yes, because we invented old English," I sighed.

“Thou art a dull and muddy-mettled rascal.”

“Did you just call me stupid in old english?”

“Yep,” I grinned. “He did. It isn't boring, Shakespear is a total G.”

“Yeah, right, still sounds boring to me.”

“Macbeth is a masterpiece, it's about a Scottish dude and his mate who meet these three witches and they, out of the goodness of their hearts, give him a prophecy telling him that he’ll become king of Scotland but that his mate will father a whole line of Scottish kings but won't be king himself. Feeling like this is totally his destiny he isn’t prepared to wait it out and see what happens, he wants to be king now, so, with the urging of his wife, he kills the king and his mate. He is crowned but he becomes overwhelmed with guilt and paranoia. He goes back to the witches and they tell him that he must beware of some other dude named Macduff but that Macbeth is incapable of being harmed by any man born of a woman. So Maccy B, he gets a bit cocky and thinks it's all good for a while, even though Macbeth’s wife is going a little cray cray and taking the whole handwashing thing a wee bit too seriously. But then Macduff gets in on the action and brings an army with him, they storm the castle and Macduff tells old Bethy that he was born by cesarean-”

“Untimely ripped from his mother's womb,” John added.

“And Duffy beheads Macbeth and this other dude named Malcom that I forgot to mention, becomes king. See? It’s great!”

“Love, you just butchered Shakespear so badly that even I didn’t understand half of what you just said.”

“It’s my gift to the world,” I shrugged. “My ability to sum up a plot so badly that even I’m not sure if it makes sense. But I thought I did OK with that one.”

“Yeahhh, not so much,” Gordon teased. “I tuned you out three words in.”

“John, insult your brother for me, I am no longer talking to him.”

“Thou yeasty folly-fallen bladder.”

“How dare you, sir! I have no idea what that means but it sounds bad.”

“That’s kind of the point.”

“What’s the point?” Scott chose that moment to walk in, catching the tail end of the conversation.

“John is insulting me!”

“What did you do?”

“Insulted him.”

“I was asking Gordon.”

I cracked up laughing, Scott always has our backs.

“He said that Shakespeare was boring and then was mean to me after I took the time to explain the plot to him. Now I’m not talking to him.”

“Did you explain it the same way you explained The Witches of Eastwick to Virgil? Because I’d seen it and I didn’t understand that either.”

“My talents are wasted on you all,” I nudged John and quirked an eyebrow in Scott’s direction. He rolled his eyes but dutifully dragged out a premium insult.

“Sense sure you haven else could not have motion; but sure that sense is apoplex’d. ”

“Oh my god, you can still do that?” Scott laughed in amazement.

“Do what, insult people?” Gordon asked, clearly confused.

“John was in a Shakespearean insult team in highschool, they actually took part in competitions, he was obviously the champion, won them the league and a bust of Shakespeare’s head as a trophy.”

“Obviously,” I agreed, patting his hand proudly. “Dude got mad skills.”

Gordon's eyes flicked up to the bookshelf on the balcony above our heads where a small gold bust sat.

“You are so weird.”

“So you frequently tell me. Now, will you two kindly go away and leave us in peace?”

“Oh no, no way,” Scott laughed. “I want to hear more, in fact, I’m calling the others.”

And that’s the story of how John spent more than three hours blowing their minds and damaging their egos with a never ending volley of insults as they goaded him into more and more outlandish attacks. Here are some of the best.

Thou hath not so much brain as ear wax - to Gordon because he’s not intelligent enough to appreciate old english.

Thou qualling ill-nurtured lout - to Alan who kept chanting “me next, me next”.

Most shallow man! Thou worms-meat in respect of a good piece of flesh indeed- to Virgil because he was in the middle of trying to tame his hair when he was summoned.

Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver’d boy - to Scott because he was brave enough to attempt to insult him back.

Thou fawning spur-galled harpy!- at me when I stole his coffee

You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so- to all of them.

Your face is a book, where men may read strange matters- to me, because I’m a strange, strange lady and asked for another insult.

Thou fusty onion-eyed nut-hook! - at Virgil, no reason at all.

Draw thy tool. My naked weapon is out- after flipping a certain finger at Scott.

Thou wimpled bat-fowling puttock- at Gordon because it was his fault that John was stuck insulting people when he had just wanted a quiet afternoon.

Thou currish bade-court hedge-pig- at Alan while examining his chin growth.

What, you egg! Young fry of treachery! - at Alan when he sided with Gordon.

Assume a virtue if you have it not- at Gordon when he protested his innocence.

Thou artless tickle-brained haggard! - at Virgil when he compared John’s nose to Shakespeare’s massive hooter.

Thou villainous weather-brained barnacle!- at Gordon, just because, and now everyone is calling him a weather-brained barnacle.

Get thee to a nunnery- to me when I said his Shakespearean accent was strangely hot.

Thou puny rampallian baggage- at Gordon, for no reason other than he’s short.

Thou art some fool, I am loath to beat thee- at Scott when he attempted to start a Shakespearean rap battle (don’t ask, it didn’t last long)

Thine face is not worth sunburning- to Virgil who thinks he’s too cool for sunscreen and has a red nose because he fell asleep in the sun again.

You yourself, sir, shall grow old as I am if like a crab you could go backwards- at Jeff who wanted to know just what the heck was happening in his lounge and why we were all screaming with hysterical laughter.

I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you moldy rogue away!- at Alan when he tried to steal one of John’s cookies while he was distracted.

Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you filthy bung, away!- At Gordon when he also attempted cookie theft.

The insult lashes came to a halt when Grandma called us for dinner.

“Hey, John?” Gordon whispered as we bundled down the stairs to the kitchen

“Yeah?”

“I dare you to insult Grandma’s cooking.”

“No, my love, it’s not worth it, think of the children!” I gasped.

“What children?” he asked, genuinely perplexed.

I shrugged. “Our non-existent children, I just thought I'd go full movie heroine for dramatic effect. You do what you want, you’re all crazy.”

He narrowed his eyes as he thought about it, then nodded. I should have known, no Tracy can resist a dare.

Grandma plonked down plates of something that might have been chicken, but also might have been sausages in a gravy for gruel straight out of a Dickensean nightmare.

I watched John out of the corner of my eye. Would he actually do it? He took a deep breath, as if psyching himself up for it. I couldn't blame him. He pushed the plate away and opened his mouth.

“Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish! Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.”

I think John’s grounded now, but the boys still haven't stopped laughing...

[soulangel]

Fox in the House- Chapter 3

Summary: Rosy is trying to understand the house full of guys. Just like they’re trying to understand her. Yet as much as she wants to trust the people she now lives with, it’s still proving a challenge especially when they’re so touchy feely with her.

Group: Oneus x hybrid!character

Genre: fluff, domestic life, mild angst from the hybrid

Warnings: Just some mild angst thrown in and hints towards her past

Prev x Masterlist x Next

         The next morning when she woke up, Rosy-ugh how she disliked that name-immediately noticed another set of clothing resting on the back of her door. “You can either wear this, or what is in your drawers today. Good morning by the way!” The note read.

    She scowled and ripped the clothes off the hangar, changing into them quickly. She opened her mouth to scent the clothing and could smell the same, familiar smell of Ravn on them like yesterday. She tilted her head and wondered to herself why it was only his clothes she was wearing, but didn’t delve too far into it before opening her door and stepping out toward the living room. “Good morning Princess!” Keonhee shouted from across the room, grinning wide at her when she just glared daggers at him.

    Hwanwoong hopped over to her with the energy of a 5 year old and handed her a cup of coffee before kissing her cheek in greeting. She immediately backed away from him and bared her teeth, hissing softly as her tail frizzed up and her ears flattened to the top of her head. “What was that.” She growled lowly, glancing around the room to see the rest of the group watching her in concern.

    Hwanwoong just tilted his head and pouted. “I was just greeting you good morning….should I not do that?” He questioned gently, taking a step back so she didn’t feel cornered and start panicking.

    Her tail swayed side to side in warning as she felt her pupils dilate and shrink quickly to match her sudden quick breathing. She was fighting the inner battle of fleeing into her room, pouncing on him, and having a panic attack all at once. She didn’t get very far when Hwanwoong was suddenly in her field of vision, crouched in front of her. Wait, when did she fall to the ground? Why were her eyes closed? Was this what panic felt like?

    She could see his mouth moving but didn’t know what he was saying in the moment. She furrowed her brows in confusion and tried her best to read his lips, seeing him form the same mouth shapes over and over again. “-okay? Rosy! Are you okay?” She finally heard him ask loudly.

    At coming back to her senses she cringed away from his loud voice and flattened her ears to her head, resting her arms over the top of them so her opposite hands were on each temple to hold down her ears. Her tail curled around her waist as her teeth were bared slightly at him. “P-Please don’t speak so loud.” She managed to get out through ground teeth, giving the smallest of pouts as she tried her hardest to keep her headache at bay.

    Before she knew it, the rest of the group sat down on the couch or floor around her and quietly started singing to her, hoping to calm her down. She could feel the tip of her tail batting against her thigh and gave the tiniest of smiles, slowly removing her arms from her head and allowing her ears to perk back up to listen better. By the end of the song she was gently swaying back and forth to the imaginary beat the guys created so they each could stay on the same beat. Her eyes fluttered shut as she focused on their voices, her ruffled appearance changing to a more happy, content fox.

    Xion scooted that much closer to her as her eyes opened once they finished, and held his hand out to her like he did the day before with the same smile on his face. “Good morning Noona.” He said softly, waiting patiently for her to either take his hand or ignore him. 

    She stared at the hand for a moment before she looked back up at his face, taking his hand in hers and shaking it slightly. “G-Good morning..” She mumbled just as softly, eyes flicking around to the rest of the group around her.

    They quickly moved away from her to allow her some space to wake up on her own and brighten herself up mentally, leaving her alone with Xion who was smiling happily at the fact she touched him this time. “Want some breakfast? I’m sure we can find something for you….what would you like to eat? What are your  preferences? Do you like fish or something? Is your tastebuds similar to that of a fox or do you have human taste buds?” He started listing off, unable to stop himself from asking all the questions at once without a break in between.

    She stared at him for a moment, Ravn going so far as to start picking him up off the ground before she held out a hand and motioned for him to stay in place. Ravn waited for a moment or two, wondering if he’d need to help her or his maknae at any point before walking away to sit at the table and watch. Rosy on the other hand, smiled the tiniest amount and sighed quietly. “I’m okay right now with coffee, I’m not feeling too hungry. My preferences for eating are normally any sort of meats and berries. I don’t mind fish but I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite kind of food. The taste buds I have I would assume are human? I mean I am human...sort of….” She tried explaining before scrunching her nose at the end, her ears twitching to her thoughts running rampant in her head.

    The maknae smiled at her and nodded his head. “I’ll see if we have something to cook for you! Maybe some…..rabbit pancakes?” He asked, getting an immediate stare from the fox-hybrid.

    She jumped up from the floor and all but ran into the kitchen with Xion chasing after her, the two almost bumping into Hwanwoong who was stepping out with his own pancakes in hand. “Whoa!” He shouted as Rosy managed to stop Xion in his tracks and push his head down so the pancake plate slid over their heads while Hwanwoong twisted away from them.

    A pure white flash danced along the bottom of the plate, balancing it perfectly so nothing fell off until Hwanwoong was able to stand back up straight and hold the plate close to him. As he was able to see the white disappearing, he glanced over to Rosy, her eyes changing from a silver-white back to her golden-yellow. “Wh-What just happened?” He asked softly, watching her in concern as she stood to her full height and gently picked Xion up from his crouched position.

    She quickly checked him over in concern before looking over at Hwanwoong who was just gawking at the sudden turn of events. “Are you both okay? Are you hurt? Oh gosh I am so sorry that happened.” She gushed, patting down their clothes in a fuss.

    Keonhee on the other hand, narrowed his eyes a little in confusion at what he just saw. “Was that magic?” He asked her when she was sated in making sure the maknaes were alright.

    She froze and stared at Keonhee in a panic, wondering how she was going to get out of this situation before Leedo stepped up to her with a frown on his face, lifting his hand out to see if she’d run away from his touch. Her eyes widened and she backed away from him. “W-Wait, please don’t.” She mumbled, continuing to step backwards until she hit the wall.

    Leedo stopped in front of her and sighed softly, frown still in place. “Was that magic that you did?” He asked her softly, trying not to freak her out yet still pushing to get answers from her.

    She nodded her head with her own frown on her face, wondering why it was such a big deal to them. “Didn’t you know? Most hybrids have some sort of magic they’re adept at using. Foxes are adept in wind and illusionary magic.” She explained a little, making sure she was loud enough for the group in the living room to hear.

    Leedo tilted his head in thought as he stepped further away from her and followed her back into the living room where she sat on the couch and beckoned everyone closer to her. Just as everyone was getting comfortable, Xion rushed out of the kitchen with a magical masterpiece of his own, setting it in the fox’s lap before sitting on the floor directly in front of her. “In thanks for saving me from a huge headache.” He said simply at the weird look he received from her.

    So, off into the tale she went, explaining to everyone the magical capabilities of all the hybrids she’s met over the years and answering the boys questions as they seemed to spout one after another, never ending their thirst for understanding what she really was and how she lived the way she has for so long. “Wait, so you’re saying everyone has specific magic which matches the animal half of their biology? That is so cool!” Seoho shouted out with the largest grin on his face ever seen.

    She smiled a little at the compliments the boys were giving her and grabbed a few strands of hair, hiding behind them in embarrassment as her tail flicked about excitedly, earning the boys’ attention once again. “Can I touch your tail?” Hwanwoong asked, going to touch it already.

    She jumped away from him, tucking her tail against her stomach and holding onto it, glaring at him with a small growl. “Please don’t touch me. I hate being touched.” She hissed out, eyes flashing a brighter shade of yellow than before.

    The group frowned and watched her flip over the back of the couch and land in a crouch, before standing up and stalking her way to her room. “I just...I need some time.” She sighed finally, stopping in front of her door for a moment and glancing back to the guys.

    They just frowned as she stepped into the room. She took a large breath to calm herself and leaned back against the door, her head resting on it along with her back. All she could think about were flashbacks of a time long before she was stuck in the shelter.

          xXx

    While she was locked away in her room, Hwanwoong looked to the guys with a frown on his face, mirroring the looks everyone else had. “It’s only been a day. She’s already hissed at us multiple times, and she’s still very quiet, she hardly talks unless we practically force it out of her. What are we going to do?” Leedo asked in concern, frowning more while he crossed his arms over his chest in thought.

    Ravn snapped his fingers and grinned. “There was a hybrid she was talking to before she left the adoption center, right Hwanwoong? What if we find someone we know to adopt them as well? Gunhak, your girlfriend was planning on looking into a hybrid adoption right? What kind of animal does she want?” He asked the rapper, getting a nod from the guy soon after.

    Leedo thought about it for a second. “I think she was looking into a bird or something? I can’t remember. I’ll ask her if she’s still looking. Maybe that friend is just what Rosy needs to feel better around us.” He thought out loud, gaining nods from the rest of the group.

    Keonhee had walked up to Rosy’s door and gently knocked on it a couple times. “Rosy, I know you probably don’t want to see any of us right now, but I just wanted you to know that we’re still here for you. I hope you know that. Please don’t be too mad at us. We’re just so curious about you and what you know, and all we want is to get to know you and be close to you like a family.” He told her through the door, resting his hand on it with a small pout since he knew she wouldn’t answer him no matter what he said.

    Xion stopped at the door beside Keonhee and also rested a hand on the door, frowning at the thought of Rosy being in the room by herself possibly crying or just sulking in a corner. “Noona, please don’t shut us out. We want to help you. And you must want to be with us if you’re still as tolerant as you are now….I trust you.” He mumbled against the door, waiting a few seconds longer to see if that would get earn him any movement on the other side of the door.

    The two in the hallway looked at each other with mirrored saddened expression and started walking away towards the living room where the rest of the group was waiting, just hanging around in boredom with nothing better to do for once. But just as they were about to sit down with everyone, a door quietly opened and a red blob slowly made its way toward them all, its head hung law. Rosy awkwardly and quietly stopped in front of them and grabbed her arm with her opposite hand, ears flattened to her head and tail dropped all the way down to the floor. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting…..this is all just so new to me….I don’t know what to do, how to be. I’m afraid-I….nevermind. I’m just sorry, really.” She practically whimpered, refusing to look at any of them in her shame.

    It was Seoho to walk up to her with a kind smile on his face. “So…..are you ready to go shopping or what?” He asked her simply, ignoring the surprised look on her face and keeping the grin on his for her.

    She continued staring at him in surprise for a few more seconds before feeling her face breaking out in a tiny smile as well. “Y-You still are alright with me being here? A-And you are okay with me going shopping with you?” She asked, feeling her ears perk up quickly and her tail swish in happiness behind her.

    The smiles on everyone’s faces made her heart swell for the first time in quite a while as she stared at each one of them. “Let’s get you some new clothes.” Ravn said softly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

    For the first time since she’d been with the group, she leaned into the touch and smiled a little, her tail subconsciously wrapping around Ravn’s leg in her own way of showing affection. Maybe she could change if she stuck around them longer. Maybe she could finally be happy.

~~~~~~

Taglist: @kimgeonhak​

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #396

Top Ten Moments in the Dark Knight Trilogy

So this year is Batman’s 80th birthday. Happy birthday Bruce! You look great.

Anyway, what with that, and the fact that a few weeks ago was “Batman Day” (I missed it coz I was talking about The West Wing), and the fact that the uber-controversial Joker comes out round about now, I thought I'd finally do due diligence to the World’s Greatest Detective and give him a bit of a celebratory Top Ten.

But what to talk about? I've talked about Batman a few times now. Honestly, when you get to nearly 400 of these bloody lists, it starts to get really hard to find new angles on your favourite things! Well, I decided that one thing I hadn't really talked about all that much is what remains, in all probability, the best live-action depiction of Batman and his world: Christopher Nolan’s epic Dark Knight trilogy.

Nolan's Batman isn't my favourite Batman. Purely from a performance level I think I prefer Keaton, even if Tim Burton’s vision is miles away from my own. I even, honestly, prefer watching Adam West. That's not to say I don't love Christian Bale, scary voice and all, or Nolan's attempt to provide emotional context for Batting Up. His earthy, realistic depiction of Gotham is iconic and masterful, even if I tend to dismay at the rejection of some of the goofier aspects of Batdom. Personally, I think if you strip Batman of some of his wilder eccentricities – the sci-fi villains, the fatalistic, mythological overtones, the air of Gothic supernaturalism – he actually ends up looking sillier, less realistic. Pretty much everyone in Nolan's Gotham is straight from a normal crime movie, except this one weirdo in body armour and a cape. To be fair, Batman Begins does a very good job of explaining why those things are necessary, but despite the chaos of The Dark Knight, I don't think Nolan does enough to reinforce why Batman remains necessary.

What I'm saying is the films would have been better if Bat-Mite was in them.

Despite all that, I adore these films. I go back and forth over whether I prefer Dark Knight or Dark Knight Rises; the latter film has big logic flaws and smaller structural ones, but I think the first sequel suffers most from the disconnect between “realistic crime drama” and “crazy superhero smackdown”. But they’re great. Few superhero films soar to their heights of have as much to say.

So, here we go. My favourite moments from the Dark Knight trilogy. Enjoy.

“I'm going to make this pencil disappear” (The Dark Knight, 2008): we've already met the Joker, but his introduction to Gotham's gangland – theatrical, crazy, terrifying, murderous – cements him as something utterly new. We'd never seen anything like this before, and neither had Gotham. Perfect combo of fear and funny; love that Joker.

“Some men just want to watch the world burn” (TDK): Michael Cain’s Alfred is one of the highlights, his droll delivery offsetting some of the darkness. But his depiction of chaos and evil is both flinty advice and a cool tag-line.

“Is it the scars? You wanna know how I got ‘em?” (TDK): like the best Jokers, this one has a past that's multiple choice. His changing story deepens his freaky, nightmarish persona as well as the film’s themes of chaos. Plus the moment he breaks up Bruce's party is pretty flipping great.

“You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it” (The Dark Knight Rises, 2012): Nolan does a great job making Batman a scary presence. So by the time he fights Bane in Rises, it’s a shock to see him so well-lit; he looks small and pathetic against the man-mountain of a villain. It’s a brutal, well-shot fight, no-nonsense, spartan. It’s a shocking and scary moment.

“What s that, a bazooka?!” (TDK): the Knight car chase is a masterpiece. Its escalation, its choreography, its use of colour and sound; the moment the Joker hangs his head out the window; the bit where the Batpod sort of drives up a wall to turn around… and, of course, the reveal of the ‘pod itself, emerging from the ruins of the Batmobile. Wonderful toys indeed.

“You're not the devil. You're practice” (Batman Begins, 2005): the first Nolan Bat-flick (as opposed to a Batfleck) is fantastic in establishing the jigsaw puzzle of how Bruce Wayne built the Batman. But the very first real moment of this, when he’s clearly gotten himself arrested in some far-eastern gulag just to pick a fight with the biggest, baddest bastard in the place, is delightful.

“Oh, you wouldn't be interested in that...” (BB): Morgan Freeman’s Lucius Fox is a big part of the Nolan films, and his banter with Bruce is just a joy to behold. The sequence in Begins where Batman builds his arsenal is great, full of great comic beats, culminating in Bruce discovering the Tumbler. “Does it come in black?” is also a cool trailer line.

“Swear to me!” (BB): Bale’s Batman often comes in for a bit of stick for his gravelly voice, and fair enough. But deployed correctly it can be very effective. We really see the creepy, nasty, scary version of Batman as he terrorises a criminal. “Swear to me!” of course comes after the crim in question says “swear to God”, Bats assuming his place in the celestial pecking order.

“Perhaps he’s wondering why someone would shoot a man before throwing him out of a plane?” (TDKR): the Joker’s opening heist in Knight might be cleverer, but Bane’s midair abduction and murder is a technical tour-de-force, filmed (partly) for real in the middle of the frickin’ sky. We first glimpse Bane and his sinister, terrifying presence, as well as hear his iconic and slightly camp voice. “Eet wud be echstreemly painful… fo yoow!”

“Pretty generous, for a thief” (TDKR): Rises is often criticised for being sillier than the others (despite Begins literally ending with Batman chasing a microwave machine that boils water). And, yes, it is a bit camper and goofier than Knight, although I’d argue its less-defined plot carries no more holes than its predecessor films. Bruce Wayne miraculously making his way from the Middle East to Gotham, penniless, helpless, alone, with no equipment, despite Gotham being cut off and isolated, ringed with explosives; this is a bridge too far for some. For me, it’s the most Batman-y moment in all three films. How did he do that, you cry; because he’s Batman, I reply.

No time for another of my favourite moments, which - I'll be honest – suffered because I was looking for quotes. It's the very, very end of Rises, when Joseph Gordon-Levitt find the Batcave, and the elevator rises up, lifting him out of frame; literally the new Dark Knight rising. And who could forget the hospital explosion, or the money inferno, or the interrogation, all from Knight? Basically any moment with Heath Ledger. Also I like the gag about being at a party and people starting to pass around weaponised hallucinogens from Begins. And when Selina Kyle cons the cops, switching from savvy criminal to screaming girl to cool citizen. It's a good trilogy, you should check it out.

[batmanandguano]

i could suffice for him, i knew

bruce wayne, jason todd, gen aka: bruce takes jason to a play. title taken from one of emily dickinson’s poems.

There’s something that’s bothering Jason. Bruce can sense it the moment the boy walked into the Manor.

Normally, the boy’s return from school is the highlight of Bruce’s day. While it is Alfred who picks him up, Jason has never failed to materialize before Bruce’s study to toss him a quick smile which already has the billionaire wrapped around the boy’s finger. Bruce loves having Jason around, loves his easygoing smiles and the way he dives into cakes — already the Manor is so much brighter. It’s a wonder that this child that he’s only known for a scant few weeks has this effect on him but truthfully, he thinks he’s never been happier —

And during Jason’s daily pilgrimage to see him, the boy’s shoulders are drooping although the smile that he gives is genuine.

Bruce’s always been perceptive and perhaps even more-so with Jason, if only because he feels no peace if Jason has none and when Jason’s happy, that happiness returns to him a thousandfold. Because the truth of the matter is that soft-hearted, sweet, generous Jason is his child and though Jason vehemently denies wanting a parent, his denials have grown a lot softer the longer he’s spent in the Manor and any mention of the boy’s name brings a smile to Bruce Wayne’s lips, his chest puffed prouder than any other parent.

“Is everything alright?” He turns to face him because sometimes Jason has trouble at school. While the boy is academically brilliant, Bruce also knows that in an environment where the only thing that matters is the size of your family’s bank account, Jason has a tendency to get into fights. There’s been more than one incident where both he and Alfred has been called into the principal’s office to witness Jason sitting there, smirking with a busted lip and an ice pack telling him that ‘B — you shoulda seen th’ other guy.’ And more often than not, it’s in defense of someone else because at least, and oh how he has worked to make it so, Jason bears the Wayne name now —

Jason doesn’t look any worse for wear this time. His tie’s askew and the upper button of his shirt’s unbuttoned. He nods his head and grins. “Yeah,” he says before dropping his backpack onto the ground and props his feet onto the coffee table. It’s a little ritual which used to be a little fight between them but Bruce’s absolutely lost the will to tell Jason to take his feet off the table. “You don’t have any meetings, do ya?” he asks and when Bruce shakes his head, Jason pulls out a book from his backpack and starts to read. Two days a week Jason comes over and reads until Bruce’s finished with work and they go out to dinner. There’s a slip of pink paper being used as a bookmark and Bruce turns his head to look at the piece of paper —

Right as it’s snatched back by Jason. “Sheesh, privacy B!” he says before quickly stuffing the page back into his backpack. There’s something uncharacteristic here because Jason’s always been careful with his things, especially papers from school. It draws his curiosity though for now, he’ll let the boy keep this secret. Bruce logs off his computer, tells his secretary to go home early for the day, and grabs his coat and Jason’s backpack.

-

They don’t call his alter ego the Greatest Detective In The World for nothing and after making a few discreet inquiries to the trophy moms who make up the PTA of Jason’s school, Bruce’s learned that auditions are being held for the school play. Auditions are held the week following the next and practice, in order to placate the academic rigor of the preparatory school (or to keep the kids busy while their parents are closing billion dollar deals or gallivanting off to the Maldives), is held from six to nine in the evenings.

Combine that with Jason’s tendency to sing show-tunes when he thinks nobody is listening and the mysterious piece of paper that’s set him on edge — it’s not hard to deduce that the boy wants to audition. And because Bruce Wayne has no subtly, he brings it up at breakfast. “I hear that they’re holding auditions for Les Miserables,” he says, casually.

Jason sets down the cereal in his hand. “Has anyone told you that your tendency to figure everything out is actually really creepy?” he asks, before picking up the milk.

“Creepier than going out at night dressed like a Bat?” Bruce teases back, before his tone turns pensive. “Do you want to audition?”

Jason waits for a moment before replying, hand twirling the bowl of cereal. “I think it’d be kinda cool,” he admits. “You know — the Jean val Jean’s a complicated character and requires a big vocal range. Though I’m pretty sure that Jeremy’s going to bribe the Drama Head since he’s applyin’ to Tisch this year and need it for his portfolio. I’d like to play Enjolras though,” He’s grinning, despite himself. ”I think he’s got some wonderful ideas B, like overthrowing the bougerois — and the fact that he looks out for everyone there. He’s also got the best song, “Do You Hear The People Sing” is an absolute masterpiece — though I dunno if you like the part about angry men, an’ ”

But then Jason shrugs again, “It conflicts with our other job, an’ it’d probably be awkward telling Miss Brown that I can’t come to practice because the Joker’s escaped Arkham again or that the Penguin’s planning on turnin’ Gotham Park into his personal ice rink. Plus I don’t need to play hero when I actually get to be one,” He offers Bruce a lopsided grin before digging into his breakfast with gusto.

But Bruce doesn’t miss the way Jason’s breath quickens when he speaks about Enjolras and the play. He doesn’t miss the fact that Robin’s prone to theatrics and that there’s a ten page, single-spaced essay that Jason’s wrote last year on classism in Les Miserables which had earned the highest grade in the year. The want in the boy’s eyes as he speaks about plays and musicals and books during the early mornings — the fact that at the very least, Jason deserves to be a child.

In a sense, Bruce knows that bringing a child into his battle against the darkest corners of the night is folly; he’s witnessed that after seeing Dick nearly get shot by one of the Joker’s henchmen. He should not have brought another child into this life and some nights Bruce could not help but worry, even though he knows that Jason loves being Robin. Knows that Jason’s no less capable than Dick Grayson despite the differences in their fighting styles, the way that Jason’s laughter and quips are always tinged with vengeance and pride, different from Dick Grayson’s youthful insouciance.

There’s always a part of Bruce who thinks that perhaps he should tell Jason (and Dick before him) to focus on his studies. That the boy’s seen enough of the rougher side of Gotham and that Batman doesn’t need a sidekick in his war — but he knows how Jason would take it. Jason, despite everything, still feels a need to prove himself — Bruce’s seen the gleam in his eyes, the words made in jest said too sharply, he knows Jason’s fears, of blood trumping nurture, the way he stares down criminals with eyes too old for his age. He knows that Jason wrestles with fears of inadequacy and perhaps it’s Bruce’s own fear after dealing with Dick’s anger, but he knows that he cannot lose Jason, that he cannot let Jason go —

What he wants for this boy is to give him the world.  

What he can do is this.

It’s a small sacrifice that Batman’ll have to make but Bruce Wayne’s a father.

“Hey, Jay — have you ever been to a theater?”

-

They take a trip to Metropolis’ Broadway District where Les Miserables is playing. It’s a new showing, the lead’s quite a famous musical actor and while tickets have already been sold out, there are certain advantages in being Bruce Wayne. Namely the fact that he ends up with the best seats in the theater with complimentary champagne and a meeting with the cast during intermission, plus one.

Jason’s been growing so they take him for his suit fitting and it’s a testament to his excitement that he doesn’t complain even once during the entire process even though Bruce knows that he hates wearing suits. He says that they’re constricting and uncomfortable. Jason does get to pick the tie though and when Bruce sees his choice — a red, silk tie with diminutive little birds — he can’t help but smile. They’ve slicked back his hair and to anyone else in the world, this is Jason Wayne — the second and much loved son of the scion of Wayne Industries and he feels a rush of pride. Bruce wants nothing more to proclaim to the world that this is his son and isn’t his boy wonderful? He swallows down his pride instead because he knows that any mention of father and parent still sometimes sets the boy on edge and claps him on the back instead.

He expects Jason to immediately start chattering and is not disappointed when Jason turns towards him, eyes wide and smile huge as he starts telling Bruce about the various facts he’s learned from the internet and from reading the brochure. “Did you know that the musical requires over five thousand individual pieces of clothing, B? Imagine how hard it would take to wash everything,”

“I assume they send it out to a subcontractor,”

“Yeah but B — it’ll probably have a ton of chemicals. I hope the actors are okay. Oh, and this takes place in 19th centuryParis — you’ve read the book, right? A lot of people think that it takes place after the French Revolution, in English Lit, Conner wrote his report about how the revolution impacted the attitudes towards the French aristocracy during that time but he was wrong. This June Rebellion was before they started chopping off all the heads,”

“The heads of the aristocracy, hm?” That’s one way of putting it.

Jason tries to roll his eyes, but the effect was ruined by how widely he’s beaming. “Don’t worry B — I’ll protect ya,” he grins, magnanimous. “If we were around during that time, I’ll figure out plans to sneak us out even though I’m pretty sure you’d have been on the Marat’s Most Wanted List. Though,” he pats Bruce on the cheek. “I think they’ll take a bit more kindly to Batman, he seems more of a man of the people type — “

He’ll play along. “And how would you orchestrate your escape now that you’re also a part of the ‘One Percent’ as you so like to call it?”

Jason scrunches up his nose. “I have friends, B — plus, I wouldn’t be a useless aristocrat. And neither would you, I feel. You’d be like the Marquis de Lafayette or a Revolutionary version of a Musketeer except far less corrupt. And I could teach you argot probably, that’s the Paris dialect that Eponine speaks in the books. I think I’d like to learn — do you think Mademoiselle Dufarge knows?”

“Didn’t Victor Hugo call argot ‘the language of the dark night’?”

“Yeah and I’m pretty sure — “ Jason leans in close, his eyes shining clandestinely before wagging his eyebrows. “If anything our friend, the Dark Knight, should know how to speak it and should teach it to his brilliant, precocious, and clever ward with a affinity for languages,”

“You mean Dick Grayson?” he teases.

“Bruce! That’s it! I’m not saving you and your batty friend’s ass again — ”

-

There’s a few people that Bruce had to meet, business associates and the director of the theater who’s here to personally thank Bruce Wayne for his generous donation — it’s tedious work, smiling until his cheeks hurt but Bruce’s played the vapid, doting billionaire patron of the arts for long enough that it’s second nature. He laughs at all the right times and tells a few jokes which sends the gaggle of society matrons and academics into peals of laughter. But the thing with Brucie Wayne is that he never says anything of substance. Bruce’s always been intelligent but Brucie isn’t — a few superficial remarks and some razzle dazzle normally holds enough for him. They’ve been talking about adding him to their board and he’s already running out of things to say when he sees a flash of red tie and curls.

“Hey Bruce,” Jason strides towards them with a glass of — oh, is that champagne? The boy’s much too young to be drinking; they’ll be having this conversation later —

As if Jason could sense Bruce’s thoughts, he holds up the glass and thrusts it in front of Bruce’s nose. “Grape juice. Sparkling,” he says. “There were blueberries in there, but oh — “ His eyes widens comically. “Miss Simone,” he says, turning towards one of the women Bruce’s been speaking to. “I’ve loved your collection of essays on Euripides’ Orestes — and I think you totally deserved that Guggenheim Fellowship more than that bastard Lobdell, honestly — I think we could do with less works analyzing manpain,“

“Oh, I completely agree,” The lady smiles, indulgent. “And who are you, young man?”

Jason holds out his hand before flashing her a toothy grin. “I’m Jason. That guy’s basically my dad,” He says, poking Bruce on the shoulder. That mention of ‘dad’ brings a fierce wave of joy to his chest and he turns and ruffles Jason’s hair free from its gel. Jason, predictably, makes a face. “There’s a business guy looking for you, his name’s Judd or something and it’s regarding Wayne business,”

Bruce nods but not before shrugging helplessly, and dashes away like a — ha! — bat out of hell. “Sorry guys — business calls. I’ll give you the number of my secretary and maybe we can set something up,”

The last thing that he hears is Jason’s voice. “Miss Simone — I hear that you’re writing a criticism on curricular constraints in high school academia? If you need a case study, I’ve been taking this one Milton class but it’s honestly academic censorship at its worst — “

-

They’re finally seated.

This time Jason’s actually holding a glass of champagne. He’s allowed one glass, it’s high society tradition after all — any more and Bruce’ll actually have words with him but he seems to be enjoying himself, holding onto his pair of tiny opera glasses with the other. Bruce’s not sure what — or who he’s watching but it’s a traditional part of attending a theater production and so Bruce instead leans back and steals a green macaron from Jason’s package of sweets and waits for the curtains to rise. All the people below them look tiny, insignificant from their vantage point and instead he watches Jason, watches as his expression changes to one of awe as the lights dim and the curtains rise.

They launch into a song about the drudgery of the 19th century and he catches Jason mouthing the words, sitting up close in their box. The boy’s practically vibrating with excitement and Bruce knows that he’s made the right decision. He picks up his own glass of champagne and turns towards Jason, clinks their glasses together and goes to enjoy the show.

-

After Jean valJean ascends to heaven in Fantine’s arms and the final chorale sings of a world freed, Bruce finds himself clapping as loudly as the rest of them but perhaps still a bit quieter than Jason. There’s nearly tears in his eyes and Bruce feels a rush of fondness for this boy because Jason who’s never cried even after nearly getting shot, cries after musicals and after particularly moving books. Bruce, normally not one for musicals or plays or ballet, has enjoyed himself immensely and turns to see Jason watching him carefully.

“Hey B — you alright?” He asks softly, looking suddenly a little bit hesitant. “Hopefully that wasn’t too boring, since I know that’s usually — ” He’s fidgeting with one of his buttons. “What Brucie does and well, I just wanted to say that I’m grateful, I’ve never done this before but it’s well, always been one my dreams growing up. So thank you, B. ”  

Bruce reaches over, runs a hand through his hair, easy and proprietary. “I had a great time with you” he says. “And I was thinking that if you wanted to try out for the school play, I think we can push back our hours a little bit. Just for this quarter,”

Jason pauses.

“B, didn’t you say that nothing’s more important than the mission, though?” Jason asks. “I mean that is why you brought me here right,” he adds; at this rate, the button’s going to come off. “With everything here, it’s just — everything’s a disguise for the mission. That’s what you’ve told me, before — ”

Oh, is that what Jason thinks, even now? There’s a sharp implication there that he’s feared. But he needs — Bruce needs to be honest.

There is a sharp awareness in Bruce’s voice. “Jason — I — I want you to be happy,” he murmurs. Words have never come easily to him, he’s always been more of a man of action. “I — “ He could not push the boy away, but he’s already committed to it. He would see this through and it’s a terrifying thought, how much Jason already means to him. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I — I think of you as my son. I want you to be happy Jason and I want to be the one to make you happy,” He’s tripping over his words now and Jason’s eyes are very wide. “I — you are happy here, right?“

But the thing about Jason is that he’s a quick study. He looks at Bruce and perhaps there’s something wet in the corner of his eyes but he reaches over and pulls Bruce into a hug because he’s always understood. There’s sticky hands wrapped around his neck and Jason smells like chocolate and fresh air and Bruce leans into the hug, pulls his arms around Jason and finds that his cheeks are hurting from smiling so much. Bruce doesn’t miss the quiver in Jason’s voice, doesn’t miss its open vulnerability.

He thinks - 

“I love you too, B —” Jason’s voice shakes. 

(He’s going to keep the boy for as long as he can.)

[grimelords]

My September playlist is here, 37 songs from opera to bossa nova to a song about marrying Tom Collins to thank him for the sips. I’m hopeful there’ll be at least one thing in here you’ll enjoy

Been Drinkin’ Water Out Of Hollow Log - Mississippi Fred McDowell: I love this song because every other version I’ve ever heard sings it as ‘I’ve been drinking muddy water, sleeping in a hollow log’, but straight up drinking out of the log sounds so much better. Also I just found out that this version I’ve loved for years was the original Alan Lomax recording and not a later one like I’d assumed, which is nice!

Tom Collins - The Sloppy Boys: I have not been able to get this song out of my head since I heard it. “I sent an edible arrangement to my travel agent because they had free booze on the carnival cruise” is a masterpiece of rhyme and the way he screams “hold him in my grips!” is just perfect.

What Means Of Witchery - Gospel: This is a perfect song. I think it’s criminal that Gospel aren’t more widely known and I think I’ve decided to make it my life mission to spread the word. The gospel of Gospel if you will. You don’t have to. I had a long daydream a little while ago about transcribing the drums in this song, which feels like an unresolved brain problem but exemplifies just how much I love it.

A Saint Among Madmen - Helen Of Troy: This is the band the drummer from Gospel was in before Gospel and they’re really really good. This sort of spoken word song is hard to pull off without sounding totally corny and I think him being so low in the mix really helps. It reminds me of some early At The Drive-In instrumental wise. The way it finally kicks off, and the sort of yelping desperate tone to the screams in the second half is just so satisfying.

shimripl casual - Autechre: Another cut I enjoyed from Autechre’s immense new album as I work on comprehending it. I like this song because it sounds like a field recording of a prototype mechanical swamp.

New Rules - Dua Lipa: This song feels like it deserves a marching band. There's just so much going on rhythmically, the dancehall rhythm at the centre of it is constantly augmented by all sorts of other percussion, the great snare work throughout, the perfectly formed tiny fill that introduces the chorus, it's just an absolute feast. I only found out the other day that the guy who produced this, Ian Kirkpatrick, also did Bad Liar - what a year for Ian!

My Girls - Tears For Fears: Hey Tears For Fears did a cover of My Girls by Animal Collective and this might be controversial but I think it's better than the original. It tightens up the structure and differentiates the sections a bit, so that it changes from a slow building jam into an odd pop song. They also draw out the harmonies more so that you really notice how funny it is to sing 'my father's graaave' over and over in a big bass under everything.

Crosses - Zero 7 and Jose Gonzales: Sia's career from before she was world-famous Sia is so interesting because she had like a full 15 years of being notable around the world in a bunch of different ways before it all coalesced into Big Sia. She was a backing vocalist in Jamiraquai's band for god's sake. She also was the de facto vocalist of this downtempo band Zero 7 for three albums, but she's not on this song but Jose Gonzales also sang on about half the songs on this album is! This is a remix/cover of his solo song Crosses but this version really shows the song in a whole different light to the original.

Napoleon Solo - At The Drive-In: Years ago in high school one of about 5 videos I had on my iPod was this version of Napoleon Solo from 2001 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Nlfmqsx1r0 and I would watch it over and over and over. It's also a good example of why Cedric's lyrics are like they are. He just talks like that. He says things like 'they had the acme weight dropped on them' to describe his friends who died in a car crash and you just have to go along with it.

Act Three: No. 27 - A Real Slow Drag - Scott Joplin: Did you know Scott Joplin, the man behind everyone's favourite song The Entertainer, wrote TWO operas?? Because I didn't. One of them is unfairly lost to history but the other, Treemonisha, was written in 1911 but not properly performed until the Joplin renaissance in 1972. This is the big finale and it's partly because of the performance but partly because of the way he wrote it but it feels a lot more modern than any other operas I've heard from the era. Even though it is mostly a march, it feels like melodically and structurally he's drawing on pre-blues and gospel music in a way that presages rock and roll and the influence it's had on all music since - it feels more like a musical than an opera.

Celia - Cults: Cults have a new EP and it's an entirely different sound for them. Pounding, dark, Ochestral Manouveurs In The Dark type synths under their best lyrics in a long time.

Sharp Dressed Man - Xiu Xiu: Xiu Xiu did this ZZ Top cover for The AV club and I absolutely love it. It sounds like Queens Of The Stone Age if Josh Homme’s charisma stat overflowed and reset back to 0. This recording they did later is is great but the original video is even better https://youtu.be/0SG6yDSbtxULazy 

Nina - Greg Phillinganes: This was a recommendation from my friend and yours @megapope and thank god he did because I've had it stuck in my head all month. Written by Donald Fagen from Steely Dan for Michael Jackson's keyboard player's solo album, a true behind-the-scenes hit.

Gobbledigook - Sigur Ros: I was thinking about how after Takk Sigur Ros got so big and famous and rich off advertising money for their beautiful music and then made the best move possible and pivoted abruptly away from ethereal graceful floating melodies hung from the moon by a gossamer string to good old fashioned stompers made of wood. This is another in my very short playlist of songs like this and The Dodos first album where the driving rhythm plus acoustic guitars are the centre of it all. A little genre that I think has a lot left in it to explore.

Betty Dreams Of Green Men - Guerilla Toss: This feels like the energy drink version of Aqua by Eurythmics from last month's playlist. This sounds like BATS to me and I'm excited because there's not enough music like this around. Extremely energetic power music about some kind of 1950s alien invasion.

#NeverUseTheInternetAgain - Homeboy Sandman and Edan: I love this song. It starts out with a sentiment everyone can agree on (facebook sucks, the internet is bad) and quickly veers into 50 year old man gripes (GPS has ruined everyone's sense of direction? you should order pizza over the phone? match.com??) but it's got such conviction in the hook that I'm sold anyway and have pledged to #neverusetheinternetagain.

Vanishing Hour - Helen Of Troy: This is another Helen Of Troy song but it basically sounds like an unheard Gospel song, which is incredible new for me; the guy who will never stop tracking down every cassette and live recording they ever did. I don't know how the membership of Helen Of Troy went beyond sharing a drummer but the vocalist of Gospel is unmistakably in the mix here and it sounds fantastic.

Canon x Love S.O.S. - Justice: Another great cut from Justice's new sort of live album. This whole album has really made me appreciate Love S.O.S. a lot more. It comes back two or three times and I'm grateful every time. It's a perfect glam rock sentiment. Sending a love ambulance because there's a love emergency happening.

Mariners Apartment Complex - Lana Del Rey: I feel like we don't deserve new Lana yet. I'm so grateful but I'm still getting over Lust For Life and she's going to do this to me? Amazing.

I Got Cash - Brooklyn Funk Essentials: Another @megapope find. Perhaps the most powerful song I've ever heard, in the sense that I feel like I'm being personally admonished throughout. The power structures at play here are towering and the beat.. it's funky.

Pray - Jungle: Jungle flat out released five (5) singles before their album came out and they were all so amazing that I was worried they wouldn't have anything left for the actual album but guess what: the whole thing is absolutely gold, and especially this last song Pray. The feeling I get from the hook into the big drop feels like being dropped bodily into a big tub of honey, if there was a way that that could feel good instead of terrifying. It’s just luscious.

Sad Rude Future Dude - Ball Park Music: I googled “haven’t had a friend in years” trying to remember what this song was called and became instantly suicidal at the sheer amount of reddit threads that phrase returned. Which is I suppose exactly what this song’s about: posting on reddit about how the internet has ruined my relationships and brain, but in a very upbeat, singalong way. This song is a good example of how a dynamic drummer can completely elevate a song to another level.

Knuck If You Buck - Crime Mobb: Knuckle up if you're buck wild it's Crime Mobb. The best named crew since Ruff Sqwad. The two women in this (Princess and Diamond) absolutely carry the whole song. Everyone else has got such a mopey boring flow but they both come in so lively and so aggressive you cannot get away from it. Is there a more powerful opener than "I come in the club, shaking my dreads, throwing these bows and busting these heads"? Is there a better line in general than "Crime Mob, it ain't no stopping, it be like Saddam Hussein, Hitler and Osama Bin Laden"?

Deixa - Toquinho: I'm quickly becoming one of these 'the end is near' sandwich board guys grabbing people on the street and yelling at them except about bossa nova. It is criminal how much this whole genre has been reduced to funny elevator music or The Girl From Ipanema as ironic intermission music when it has stuff like this to offer us. I really recommend this whole album, I've been obsessed with it over the last couple weeks and it's just breathtaking start to finish.

The Way - Friends: This band's spotify page is good because it's full of absolutely no-name recordings of Blank And Friends that have fucked up their tagging. Anyway I have never heard a song like this, and I didn't think it was possible to use big 80s pinch harmonic guitars like this but they pulled it off in an absolutely beautiful way.

Mass Grave - Health and Soccer Mommy: Corrin Roddick of Purity Ring produced this new Health song which brings the degrees of separation between Health and Katy Perry down to a thrilling 1 since Purity Ring did two songs on her new album. This really does sound like Health covering a Purity Ring song and that's excellent news in my book. I don't know much about Soccer Mommy but this song has definitely inspired me to check her out so I'll undoubtedly report back on that next month.

(two circles) - Boredoms: I only just made the connection that Yamantaka Eye from Boredoms is the same Eye from from Hanatarash who famously drove a bulldozer through the back wall of a venue as part of a performance. Which I mention only because it really exemplifies just how much of a change of direction Vision Creation Newsun is from all that, just ten years later he's in a totally different direction of building something beautiful instead of tearing music (and buildings) apart at the seams. Nobody knows how to describe this album, it's space rock it's post rock it's experimental but it has something that a lot of that music doesn't - positivity. This whole album is a sun-worshipping positive fever without ever feeling lost or meandering.

Centreline - Ava Luna: I'm mad at this song. At about 1:15 they do an extremely satisfying thing sing the 'line' in 'centre line' in a deep bass and it sounds great. Then every other time that section comes around they either don't sing it or there's something else going on that obscures it and it blueballs you for the whole rest of the song. Other than that it's good, but i'm at war with this song.

Venice Bitch - Lana Del Rey: I am so excited that Lana Del Rey is finally embracing the most often ignored part of americana and facilitating a jam band. This is the last thing I would expect from Jack Antonoff but he did amazingly. It sounds closer to Ultraviolence era than anything else she's done and I'm just plain excited to see what the album is going to be like if this is any indication.

Act 1 Scene 4: This Is Monstrous, Wozzeck! - Alban Berg: I found an english version of Wozzeck and it's one of the best opera recordings I've ever heard. It's just plain mixed and recorded well, which is a rarity when a lot of opera recordings seem like they just hung a single mic somewhere at the back of the theatre and pressed the button. Anyway here's the good bit from Wozzeck where Wozzeck goes to the doctor and the doctor yells at him for "Pissing! Pissing there on the pavement!" See, opera’s fun!

Pop Roll Flow - Clypso: I heard this song on Unearthed when they had Nick Littlemore from Pnau guest programming and I love it. It feels brand new and very familiar at the same time, every sound in it is in absolute hypercolour, and the verse vocal sounds like a cool insect is singing at me. What's not to love!

I Might Survive - Architecture In Helsinki: I always feel like Arcitechture In Helsinki are poised to make like Portugal The Man and have an international superhit off their seventh album. They have been consistently reinventing their brain of weirdo-pop every single album for 15 years now and it feels like they've still got so much more to give. This song especially deserved to be a hit in my opinion, it's pop perfection and I've come around from hating to completely loving the little 'than alive baby!' adlib near the end.

Angels - The xx: My two best friends got married to each other this month and it was beautiful. What's more, she picked the perfect song to walk down the aisle to. I'm so happy to see two of the people I love the most in love with each other, and also when I drove them to their suite after the reception my phone accidentally started playing Merzbow's new album which was good.

Jesus Was A Cross Maker - Judee Sill: I'm so glad I found out about this album. Judee Sill had a crazy life, and her wiki page is a ride but unlike a lot of musicians with a back story her music stand alone - unique, rich and beautiful. Tightly structured and thoughtfully composed for such hippy-dippy christian mythology themes, and melodically beautiful even when her voice isn't quite up to the task. It really does feel like the spirit was moving through her. This song in particular is amazing I have been straight up listening to it on repeat. The phrasing is insane, the self-harmonised vocals sound like they're phasing in a very cool way, the violins break into a Bach figure halfway through - it's just amazing. I cannot stop listening. I've also started a playlist of this, Jesus Is A Dying Bedmaker by John Fahey and Jesus Came To My Brithday Party by The Middle East so I'm absolutely 'on one' as the kids say.

Rappers Convention - Harlem World Crew: another thanks to @megapope for bringing this incredible moment to my attention. A very early rap song that was recorded in the middle of the Iranian hostage crisis and helpfully gives a complete breakdown of the situation in the opening verse before getting back to basics and detailing how much they love partying for the remaining 5 minutes. Music is truly incredible. 

I Need A Lover - John Mellencamp: I'm learning a lot about John Mellencamp this week. Apparently this song was originally on the album 'A Biography' in 78 that didn't get a release in the US because his first album did so badly, but I Need A Lover was a top ten hit here in Australia and was thusly included on his next album a year later and blew up in the US. The other surprising thing is the album version, this version, has a fully two minute long intro before it gets to the song.

High (feat. Elton John) - Young Thug: The Lil' Nutsack song that makes Dewey Cox famous again in Walk Hard is real now and it's good as fuck.​

listen here

[beatricebidelaire]

dance with me (on this cold winter day)

pairing: Beatrice Baudelaire / R, the Duchess of Winnipeg

summary: Beatrice and R go on an ice-skating date.

word count: ~1.2k

alt: ao3

“So, is everyone clear on what their mission is?” Beatrice asked, looking at the checklist in her hand on more time. “Kit, you’ll invent a story about you dating Dewey and tell Frank about it, and he’ll, ideally, spent an hour questioning your intentions with his brother.  If not, find some other way to keep him from looking out the windows. Larry, keep Ernest in the sauna.  Bertrand, keep Dewey busy by discussing poetry with him.  Any questions so far?”

Everyone started talking immediately.

“Yeah, why does my part involve some elaborate and unnecessary lie?”  Kit asked.

“Do you have any specific instructions about what I should do in the sauna?” Larry asked.

“Out of curiosity, would you still be taking her to ice-skate on the pond if you weren’t banned?” Bertrand asked.

“You still haven’t told me my role,” Gustav and Olivia said in unison.

“First of all, Kit, because it’s fun,” Beatrice said. “As for Larry, go wild! And Bertrand, you know full well that depends on if I’m banned from anywhere else. Now, Olivia would be in charge of running the hotel because the mangers are otherwise occupied.  A hotel is just like a large carnival, really.  And Gustav, you’ll be on the balcony, filming an artwork masterpiece. This is going to be epic.”

In R’s personal opinion, the black dress Beatrice was wearing that was intended as a bat costume, even completed with fake wings, wasn’t the most suitable thing to wear for ice skating.  She wondered if she should tell Beatrice that, even though Beatrice never really take suggestions in regards to her outfits.  She wore whatever she like whenever she wanted.  Still, R debated with herself internally for a while – she wouldn’t want Beatrice to catch a cold in just a summer outfit, or fall down and causing her bare skin to directly touch the ice.  On the other hand, maybe it was too late to go back for a change of clothes anyway, so saying anything wouldn’t have helped.

“Come on,” Beatrice shouted enthusiastically. She grabbed R’s hand and started walking onto the frozen pond, passing the wooden sign that stated she was being banned from ice-skating here. R was wondered if she should’ve not worn gloves, like Beatrice hadn’t, because then she would be able to feel Beatrice’s hand directly now.

Speaking of Beatrice’s hands, R had been admiring the 10 bats painted with black nail polish onto each of Beatrice’s nail ever since Beatrice picked her up this morning. Every bat had a different pose. Beatrice’s must’ve spent a lot of time on this. She felt something weird stirring in her just thinking about how someone must’ve helped Beatrice with this in detail.  Did they hold her hand carefully and gently while they painted those bats?

R tried to think of something to say that wasn’t “who helped you painted those bats?” and the first thing that came up was “judging by the sign there I’m assuming Frank and Ernest didn’t know we’re here.”

Beatrice grinned, mischievous and delighted. “I created a whole diversion plan for this! It’s going to be fun.”

R was usually more of a rule follower in general, but she was starting to understand why it was so easy to people to be roped into Beatrice’s various schemes.  How could they not when she grinned at you like that? R smiled back, feeling the excitement bubbling inside of her.  “Yeah, it will.”

They started out with the first few steps in a slower speed, but quickly sped up. The wind blew past against them, and R could hear Beatrice’s laughter in the air.  She hadn’t skated for a while since coming to the city, but the distant memories of ice skating with her mother back in Winnipeg were coming back, flowing through every part of her body, and it felt natural.  The speed was exhilarating, just like Beatrice’s grip on her hand, both sending R to a different state of mind, a wild excitement mixed with slight nervousness and anticipation.

She glanced at those fake bat wings for a second, which made she admire Beatrice more – the way B just moved so fast and easily even when wearing those.

They circled the pond, and then traced the pattern of the VFD insignia under Beatrice’s suggestion.  “Are we sending a secret message?” R asked, amused at the choice of pattern they decided for their path.  In other times, she might be more alarmed, but not today.  She was enjoying this too much to think about that.

“Consider this like throwing a bottle with a letter inside,” Beatrice suggested. “Someone might get the message, or maybe nobody ever will.  Just like someone might see this if they’re watching the pond with their spyglasses in a tall building inside the city.”

“Have you ever done the letter in a bottle thing before?” R asked as she felt them going even a little faster.  The speed and the weird new pattern they’re tracing was forcing them to make all kinds of sudden sharp turns.  R enjoyed the sharp turns, if only because Beatrice often made a cute giggle at those turns.

“Only with stones on the Briny Beach.  I usually carve poems onto the stones – sometimes it takes several stones for one poem – and throw it out into the ocean. I’ll show you on the next date!”

They both stopped very suddenly for different reasons, not at any turns, just in the middle of a line.  R felt suddenly disoriented, and her brain started replaying everything that had happened from Beatrice suggesting they go ice-skating, searching for when exactly had Beatrice ever stated this was a date.  She was pretty sure Beatrice never explicitly said so.  Maybe there were certain hints – but R had thought those were just her own wishful thinking that this could be a date.

This could be a date, she thought, feeling dizzy.

“If you’re interested, that is,” Beatrice said hurriedly, looking unusually flustered in contrast with her usual confidence.  Or maybe those colors on her cheeks were just due to the cold air combined with the speed they’d been going?  R couldn’t be sure.  “And if you don’t mind this being a date,” Beatrice added.

R blinked rapidly, feeling like a dream. “I would love that.  A second date.” She was slightly breathless, but that might just be because of the cold air and speed too. Maybe.

The edge of Beatrice’s lips was starting to pull up into a wide smile, and R loved everything from the shape of her mouth to the colors of it.  “It’s settled, then,” Beatrice said, devilish and delightful again. “Do you want to dance?  Maybe waltz? We can send out another message to anyone potentially watching.”

“Absolutely,” R agreed, and remembered something. “Wait – let me take these gloves off.”  She immediately felt the coldness after taking off the gloves, but as they held onto each other’s hands, it barely seemed to matter. “And hey, I’ve been meaning to ask – do those bat wings actually fly?”

“Excellent question,” Beatrice winked, “you’re about to find out.”

[woildismyerster]

Crutchie's mouth was on your neck, and your brain was foggy with his scent. THIS IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL LIKE IDK IT'S JUST A MASTERPIECE PLS DO MORE CRUTCHIE

This kind of turned out,,,, angstier than I usually write.  Bizarre.

“Finch,” Jack said, and it felt like the group collectively sighed as they fell into the regular routine.  

Wednesdays nights, for as long as the weather permitted, was a baseball night.  Anybody could come, though new people were seldom invited.  Jack and Crutchie were the team captains, and they always chose the same two people first.

(Davey had looked between the two captains, confused, the first time he played.  “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

Jack tutted, shaking his head.  “Geez, Dave, I thought you seemed alright.  I would never have invited you if I’d known you had something against disabled people.”

“I thought we were friends,” Crutchie had said, the slightest tremor in his voice.  Davey, aghast, looked a little faint when the boys burst into laughter.

Jack ruffled his hair.  “Crutchie has the best throwing arm in the group.  He’s pitcher.”)

“Y/N,” Crutchie said, and you rolled your eyes.

He chose you first every week, though you weren’t anywhere near the best in the group.  You didn’t deserve to be chosen first, but he unironically chose you every week.  You sometimes wondered if he felt like he owed you for something, but nothing came to mind.  It was a predictable, unexplainable act of kindness.

“Bad call,” you mumbled to him while Jack chose.

“I’m going to win,” Crutchie whispered back.  “You’re my lucky charm.”

“How’s that work?  Do you make a wish?  Rub me real hard?”

Crutchie grinned, ears going a little pink.  “Think that would work?”

You smacked him with your glove.  “Why, Crutchie, I do declare.  Not in front of the boys.”

He laughed, and though you stood by your belief that he should have chosen somebody else, you were pleased that he chose you first.

Race squirted you with his water bottle.  “Ask Crutchie out.”

“Is this supposed to be, like, a psychology thing?  ‘Cause it feels kinda good, so it won’t work.”

He sprayed you again, and you tried to remember if there was a spare shirt in your backpack.  Maybe not?

“You suck at baseball.  You suck serious balls, Y/N.  He only picks you because he wants his balls and bat to see your diamond.”

You wrinkled your nose.  “Gross.”

“Please.”  Race rolled his eyes, blond curls matted to his forehead with sweat.  “You want him to take you out to the ball game, too.”

Not like that, you didn’t.  You wanted to hug him when you won a game without wondering if it was lasting too long.  You wanted to embrace teasing about being chosen first, and you wanted it to be safe to believe that the guys were right about why.

“Not if you talk about it like that, I don’t,” you said.

“Aye!  Crutch!”

The boy in question turned away from a conversation with Mush, eyes lighting up.  “Yeah?”

Race grinned, crooked and cunning.  “Did you know that Y/N likes ballgame food?”

“Christ,” you whispered.

“Everybody does,” Crutchie said, frowning.

“Ask what Y/N’s favorite food is,” he urged.  “No?  Fine - your weiner.”

You groaned, Crutchie’s face glowed red, and Race chortled.

You weren’t sure that you were making Crutchie feel so lucky now.

“Y/N!  Hey!”

You grinned at the sound of Crutchie’s voice, stomach kicking with delight when you saw the grin on his face.  He was scrolling through his phone, maybe to show you something funny he found online earlier -

“Awe,” Romeo crooned.  “Look how happy they are to see each other.  Adorable.”

The smile slipped off your face, and you saw Crutchie’s falter.  You tried to smile when he showed you a meme he liked, but it felt false.  Maybe all of your happiness had drained when the embarrassment set in.

There were still butterflies in your stomach, but they had more to do with the eyes on you than the boy you were standing with.

“Concept,” you said at school.  Crutchie was by the vending machine, weighing the pros and cons of buying his daily soda in the morning instead of the afternoon.  “Instead of hiding some stupid prop in Mush’s locker on Halloween, you hide in there.”

“If I don’t have caffeine now, I might die.”

“You’ll be in some creeptastic costume.”

He rubbed his face, weary.  “If I don’t have caffeine later, I’ll die.”

“Well,” you said with a warm smile, “since you’re dying either way, there’s no need for a costume.  I’ll just put your body in the locker.”

“Are you talking about some weird sex thing?”  

You cringed when Morris Delancey came up behind you.  “Do you need something, Delancey?”

“I need your boyfriend to get out the way,” he said.

You didn’t bother saying that Crutchie wasn’t your boyfriend.  That being said, you couldn’t look at Crutchie, either.  There was a painful, dull sickness settling in your chest, and you couldn’t even look at the friend who was going through the same thing you were.

“I want you guys to stop teasing,” you said firmly.  “About Crutchie and me, you know?  It isn’t cool.”

Katherine bit into an ice cream sandwich, chasing a bit of cookie that threatened to fall.  “Why?”

“Because it’s embarrassing.  Because it makes it hard for us to spend time together.”

“Stop being cute, then.  Stop reacting.”

You scowled.  “Please, Kath, I’m serious.  It’s making me sick.”

She looked at you then, smile fading.  “Ask him out, then.  That’ll stop the teasing.”

What she was saying, you gathered, was that there was nothing she could do.  The teasing had become an essential part of the group, and it didn’t matter how much damage it was doing to the relationship your friends were pushing for.  If you couldn’t preserve the relationship by stopping the teasing, you would have to stop the teasing by stopping the relationship.  It was the only way to keep Crutchie as a friend, however different the friendship may be.

You couldn’t even ask Crutchie to meet you after school without there being wolf whistles.  The lines around his face, usually so cheerful, were bleak when he agreed.

You felt utterly nauseous when he met you at the back of the school.  So unhappy, overwhelmed by something almost like pre-regret, and already nostalgic for the days when you were too young to be teased about dating.

“I think we need to stop hanging out so much,” you said.

Crutchie blinked, and though he didn’t look too surprised, you thought that maybe he had been expecting something different.  “What?  Why?”

“I miss you,” you said plainly.

“So we need to stop seeing each other?”

“I can’t even look at you without people teasing me about liking you,” you said, and your voice went thick.  “Everything we do, people are talking.  It makes me nervous to be around you, and I don’t want to be.  Maybe if we just - if we take some time apart, or make it clear that nothing is going to happen, people will just - they’ll stop.”

He frowned.  “That seems like a lose-lose situation.”

You threw up your hands.  “Yes!  I know, everything sucks.  But if the others give up, you and I can try to salvage whatever’s left.”

“It got hard,” Crutchie said slowly, “so you want to give up.”

“No, I want the others -”

“It got hard,” he said again.  “And you decided that protecting your image was more important than protecting our relationship.  Our friendship, I mean.  Because, apparently, the idea of us in a relationship is so abhorrent to you -”

You listened, horror dawning where the numbness previously resided.  You started thinking that maybe you had misread something somewhere down the line - that maybe the both of you had assumed the other was bothered by the teasing because it was unfounded.  Maybe he was embarrassed because it was true.

“Wait, Crutchie, do you -”

“Fine,” he said.  He rubbed at his face, furious in a way that made you wonder if he was wiping at tears.  “Fine, we can stop hanging out as much.  I hope it makes you more comfortable.  Truly, Y/N, I just want to you be happy with the way things are.”

You weren’t.  You really, really weren’t.

“Why weren’t you and Crutchie partners in English today?  You guys are always partners,” Race said.

“Because you guys are douches,” you said.  “Because you guys were so relentless, so thorough, that we can hardly speak to each other anymore.”

Race blinked, surprised.  “We were just telling the truth.”

“You made it impossible for us to figure out the truth for ourselves!”

“You already knew the truth,” he shot back.  “You and Crutchie are crazy about each other, and you both know it.”

“I didn’t know,” you snarled.  “I didn’t know he liked me, because you guys made it impossible for us to have a conversation without it being some big thing.”

Race’s jaw worked, but you saw a hint of shame flicker across his face.  “What did you do?”

“I told him I need a break.”

“Idiot,” he said.  “Oh, you idiot.  You probably broke his heart.”

“Believe me,” you said.  “Not more than I broke my own.  Next time, keep your thoughts to yourself.”

“Y/N,” Crutchie said, and your head shot up.  Nobody blinked twice when you walked to stand by your team captain, but you had to actively try not to gape at him.

He wouldn’t meet your eyes.  You stood to his side, a few steps behind, and wished you could hold his hand.

“Bad call,” you whispered.

“You’ve never failed me before,” he said quietly.  “I’ll always want you on my team.”

You had to blink back tears.  You hadn’t realized you were near tears in the first place.  The feeling was mutual, and maybe you hadn’t wrecked the possibility as thoroughly as you had thought.

You watched Crutchie during the game, and for the first time, he didn’t watch you back.  He studiously kept his eyes on the game, pitching perfectly inning after inning.  

He had listened to you.  He had been angry, yes, but even in his anger he wanted you above all others.  He was embarrassed, but not so embarrassed that he hadn’t been willing to tough it out to be near you.

You were the one who hadn’t been able to handle the teasing, and Crutchie was the one who had to deal with the brunt of the damage.

There were butterflies in your stomach when he gave Jack a cocky grin, and it had nothing to do with anybody who might have been watching.

Jack struck out, just as Crutchie had known he would, and your team won the game.

“Good game,” you said to Crutchie, several feet out.

He looked surprised that you talked to him, but pleasantly so.  “Yeah, well, I had my lucky -”

You got to the pitching mound, wrapped your arms around his neck, and kissed him.  

There were wolf whistles, but they paled in comparison to the sharp inhale Crutchie gave when you pressed yourself against him.

There were jokes, but that had nothing on the sound of his cane hitting the ground, his hum of relief, his clothes rustling against yours.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled when you pulled away.  You didn’t move out of his grip, opting instead to press your face into the side of his neck.  “I was a jerk.  I liked you that entire time, and I should have told you instead of freaking out.”

“I should have said something ages ago,” he said.  “I could have prevented all of this.”

“So could I.”

He shrugged.  “Guess it doesn’t matter now.  It all turned out the same.”

You smiled.  Of course he had forgiven you immediately.  You hadn’t forgiven yourself - you would be such a good date that it would wipe all other relationships out of the water.  “It turned out okay.”

“Turned out perfect,” he grinned.  “Ready to face the music?”

“Are you kidding?”  You pulled back, grasping his hand.  “This is my favorite song.”

[beepbeeprichiellc]

Part 1. Part 2.

His breath was fogging up the glass, his fingers leaving smudges along the smooth surface. The housekeeper was going to have a fit when she saw what he had done, he knew this and yet all he could focus on was the two standing on the front lawn. The thing about Beverly was that she was the perfect wing man-woman-whatever. She always knew the exact way to flaunt what he had as to weed out those suitable for her friends. It was how Richie almost always got laid, excluding for drunken one nighters he occasionally ended up in. When he answered her call he hadn’t expected her to show, knowing that she was recovering from her late night fly in so when she walked onto his property with those short shorts and tank top he knew she was out to kill. Although the look on the pool boy’s face when she advanced told him that he wasn’t falling for her tricks and Richie was afraid he would see right though the shamble.

The truck with chipped paint pulled from the curb, carrying with it his new pool boy. Richie watched it leave, discreetly using the sheer drapes to keep himself hidden. Once the tail lights were around the corner he sighed, banging his head loudly on the glass. There was a gnawing in his stomach, an unimaginable feeling that he wished to just go away. Maybe it was because he hadn’t been laid in over three months, or maybe it was because just the sight the boy made him a blubbering mess but he felt restless.

There was a bang from the back door and Richie nearly ran over to where Beverly stood, her cheeks flushed from the heat. Stopping short of jumping in to his arms he leaned against the countertop, biting his bottom lip nervously. “So?” He sang, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“He’s gay.” She answered, knowing the question without verbal confirmation. “Didn’t even bat an eye when I asked for his number.”

“Hot damn!” Richie nearly yelled in excitement. “Thank god for the little things.”

“Honestly, I don’t think you two would work.” Beverly admitted softly, pulling her sunglasses from her nose and burying them into her hair. There was a twinkle in her eye, like something was brewing in her head. “I mean, he’s just here for the summer and-”

“Well so am I. I’m not looking for a relationship Bevvy, just someone to get dirty with while I’m home.” Richie rolled his eyes, a sly grin stretching from ear to ear. “Don’t dangle him in my face and expect me not to bite.”

“I’m not danling anything in your face.” She nipped, snapping her fingers in his direction. “I just think he isn’t your type. He was all worried about your dad, about his job. He’s a straight shooter and I don’t think you’ll be able to bend him like you want.”

“Okay first off.” He muttered, his glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose as he looked at his friend amusingly, “He’s gay, so he isn’t a ‘straight’ shooter. Secondly, I’m not gonna bend him unless that’s the way he likes it. I mean I’d like to bend him over a lot of things like that chair or the counter or-”

“Okay fine!” She barked, rubbing the space between her eyes. “Fine, just stop putting that very vivid image in my head.” Glancing back up to her friend she smiled, sighing with contentment as she leaned into the door frame with her hip leading. “You can be so disgusting sometimes, remind me why we are friends again?”

“Because we are the black sheep in our families and that causes us to gravitate towards each other.” He mouthed back quickly, pursing his lips and blowing a very suggestive kiss. “Now tell me, what is that cutie’s name?”

“Eddie.”

“Eddie.” He whispered, the name making his lips tingle. It tasted sour, not the type of sourness that made you cringe but rather the sourness that left your mouth watering, making you beg for more. Richie smiled, running his long nimble fingers through the rats nest he called hair, wincing when he caught a few knots. “Even his name is sexy as hell.”

Beverly scoffed, pushing herself upward and strolling past him with a slight push. “Get dressed.” She commanded, not looking back at him as she began her rampage through his parents fridge. “And hurry up because we have to pick up Bill along the way.”

“Where are we going?” He asked, shamelessly watching his best friend bend over to reach a soda from the bottom self. There was no spark, no need when he looked at her backside but rather a respectable appreciation of its glory.

Slamming the fridge door she replied, “To the beach.”

------------------

Eddie laid his back on his board, looking up at the clouded sky with fondness. Things began to cool as the storm rolled in, the blueness becoming overpowered by the grey puffs of condensation. He wondered what it would be like to be caught in a storm, really caught under the sheets of rain. There had been glory stories told about surfing during a summer storm and anyone who was everyone knew that it was the best time for such a thing. Stan had done it once, Mike twice but he still had yet to live through the glory. He was afraid, just like he always was, tucking tail and running before the real masterpiece touched down.

Maybe someday.

But not today.

“Well this turned out to be a shitty day.” Stan’s stoic voice came from across the still water. “I skipped my hot yoga class for this?”

“Remind me why you take hot yoga again?” Mike jeered, laughter following his question. “Isn’t that uncomfortable?”

“It’s freeing.” He nipped, splashing water over to where Mike was currently floating. “And like you are one to talk, you are majoring in history! Who fucking does that!”

Eddie smiled, enjoying the banter that followed. It had only been a few days and yet he felt more free here than he would have back at home. When Mike had brought up the idea of the three of them heading to the coast at the end of semester, he had been against it. Too many people, to many unpredictable variables. It took one very long, uncomfortable phone call from his mother to change his mind and even then he had only done it out of spite. Now he was floating in the Pacific Ocean with his two best friends without a care in the world.

“I think we should head in.” Mike’s reassuring voice suggested, making Eddie cringe. “The storm is going to hit soon and the last thing I need is another concussion from surfing.”

“Yeah, and I don’t feel like saving you guys when you drown.” Stan added, turning his board back to the mainland. “I say we head back to the house and order some paper view, maybe some pizza in the process.”

“Both of those things involve money, which mind you, we do not have.”

With a sigh Eddie sat up, looking at his friends with a frown. “You know it’s Stan’s job to be a downer right Mikey?” He joked, starting the long ride in. This made his friend laugh, muttering under his breath that he was just a realist. Once the touched sand Eddie’s stomach sank, the fleeting opportunity passing by him. He dug his feet in, wiggling his toes one last time before stepping out of the salty water. Looking once more to the sky he muttered, “Do you think it’s really gonna rain?”

“Na.” Stan replied, walking ahead towards the parking lot. “I think this place is fucking with us. Our first time out on the water and it’s gonna trick us back to shore.”

“Huh.” Eddie thought it seemed likely, even more so as the so as the sun peered through a storm cloud. “Well that sucks.”

“Life sucks my man.” Mike said, throwing his board on top of his truck. “Don’t worry, we can try tomorrow once you get off.”

This made Eddie shrug, half assuming that he would be fired by tomorrow anyways so why even care about it. The three of them had strapped their things in, taking time to adjust as needed so that the truck would actually make it back home. Eddie had been so busy that he hadn’t noticed the company he had gained, or the eyes that followed him with each move. It was Stan who noticed her, scowling as she approached. “Eddie, I think you've attracted a stray.” He groaned.

“Wha-”

“Eddie!” Beverly’s excitable voice called, her smile widening as she and two others moved closer. “Fancy meeting you here!”

Eddie froze, his body refusing to react as she pulled him into a awkward, one sided hug. Shimmying he was able to drop her hold, forcing a laugh. “Uh hI Beverly. What are you doing here.” He glanced behind her, noticing the Tozier boy who now wore a pair of khaki shorts, a god awful hawaiian shirt and-jesus christ-a pair of bright pink sandals. It seemed that Richie was more confident in person, his eyes bright and exuberant as he watched the exchange. There was also a normal looking boy with soft brown hair and a soft smile, being almost the exact opposite of his friend that stood beside him. “Are you following me?”

“What? No!” She pushed against his shoulder playfully, “The beach sounded like a good place to be so I decided to come down here with some of my friends, same as you.”

He was being stalked, Eddie just knew it.

“Hi, I’m Mike.” The kind hearted boy muttered, breaking the tension and extending his hand out to the rich girl. “And this is Stan.” He gestured to the unamused boy. “How do you know Eddie?”

Beverly smiled, taking hold of Mike’s hand and shaking it. “We met this morning, he was working on Richie’s lawn when I came over.”

“Ah, leave it to Eddie to make new friends on the first day in town.” Mike jokes, laughing at his friends expense. “So you’re Beverly, who are these two?”

“Oh! This is Bill.” She motioned to the calmer of the two, “And Richie himself.” The jumpy kid waved, a cheeky smile crossing his face instantly. “So you guys are new in town huh? Where are you staying?”

“Oh in my parents old beach house down the street. It’s not much but it’s a roof over our heads.” Eddie frowned, he liked the cozy home. It felt safe, and warm to him. More so than his own home back in Derry. “What are you guys from the upper east side or something?”

“Yep.” Beverly replied, “Hey since you guys are new why don’t we show you around. You have no idea where the good hanging spots are yet and there is a bar a few blacks down that has the best mixed drinks. What do you say? First round on me.” Eddie could not have been shaking his head any more, his ears ringing painfully as Mike replied for all of them with a genuine smile.

“Sounds fun.”

Pool Boy Eddie Tag:

@softuris @snooxyspazz @ihavesympathyforthedevil @reddieornox @addimagination @tozierbinch @loadsofgayy @helfeatencupquakes @pankoozie @moved-to-some-raging-fangirl @strangerl0ser @letsgetreddietorumble @oh-mayfield @superbcoffeekid @iamworried7 @ephemeral-elipisis @stan-tozier-denbrough @im-alover @tapetayloe

[ayellowbirds]

Keshet Rewatches All of Scooby-Doo, Pt. 26: “The Dynamic Scooby-Doo Affair”

("The New Scooby-Doo Movies", Season 1 Episode 2. Original Airdate: 9/16/1972)

AKA, "Bat-Milk? BAT-MILK?"

While this episode was broadcast and released on video with the title above, surviving storyboards show that the title was intended to be spelled as “The Dynamic Scooby-Duo Affair”, making the wordplay clearer.

As the episode begins, the Mystery Machine hits a bump in the road and the lights go out. While Fred attempts a repair, Daphne worries about reaching their destination.

Yes, it’s the first formal recognition of the gang as anything more than a bunch of friends who do this on the side. While we don’t see anything of the Mystery Club convention itself, the idea that the kids were headed to one suggests that their amateur sleuthing has gone from something they fall into by accident as a result of running into mysteries wherever they go, and into the realm of a lifelong obsession. They’re not “Mystery Inc” just yet, but they’re close.

While Fred promises he can repair the Mystery Machine without losing time, Scooby and Shaggy hear something frightening... ominous music! No, really, the sound editing in this scene is terrible, and the music that cuts in almost completely drowns out the sound of an approaching airplane, flying so low over the road that it comes within mere feet of the roof of the van.

Investigating reveals that the plane has landed without lights in the middle of the night, and two men drive out of it in a jeep loaded down with an enormous wooden crate. The gang take a shortcut, and find that the crate has been dropped off at an abandoned-looking old house, where it’s been nailed down to the floor with leather straps. In fact, as the gang try to hide from a sudden sound of someone approaching, they find that everything is nailed down.

But they have no reason to fear those who enter the house:

Because it’s the guileless, friendly and gentle-mannered Seventies Batman who enters, along with the Boy Wonder. In spite of the gang’s incredibly suspicious appearance, a bat-shaped transitional wipe is all it takes for Batman to explain that he and Robin were on patrol—bat-patrol—in nearby Gotham City (the location of the Mystery Club convention? It would be appropriate), when they were alerted to the unlit aircraft and suspected smugglers. It’s the second episode in a row to suggest a specific location for the events, placing most of the episode in and near Gotham. 

Just as they’re about to investigate the crate, someone comes out from upstairs.

Attentive viewers will have most of the mystery solved by noticing this suspicious character’s first appearance as a hooded figure, though as she lights her lamp, she’s revealed as a little old lady, Mrs. Baker.

Baker claims to have never seen the crate before—figuring that, like the gang, someone assumed her house was abandoned due to its condition—and even reacts to Batman and Robin like they were ordinary strangers in need of assistance, rather than colorfully costumed crime-fighters. This would be suspicious enough, but like i said, 70s TV Batman is guileless. He suspects nothing and has a kind word for almost everyone.

The contents of the crate are revealed as a stand-up “punch clown”, one of those inflatable bottom-heavy types designed to keep bouncing back as you bop it. Batman hurls the clown away, and then slaps his hands on his waist in a brave and bold pose. “An amusing toy,” he declares. If this show was a bit more clever, I’d say he was covering for freaking out at the sight of a clown.

Scooby plays a bit with the doll, but one particularly solid swing knocks its noggin right off, revealing that it’s not full of air... it’s stuffed with money! Batman picks up a bill. “Just as I suspected,” he declares. “Counterfeit. A masterpiece of duplication, except for one tiny slip-up.”

It’s an artistic error almost as embarrassing as Batman’s hands suddenly having no gloves. And Batman should know. He’s fought alongside Lincoln.

In spite of having faced counterfeiters before, the gang are astonished at the idea of phony money, and join Batman in the search for the culprits as Mrs. Baker tells them that the jeep’s tire tracks must lead back to a nearby auto junkyard—next to the old cemetery, of course. Baker claims people fear that human ghosts haunt the "auto graveyard” as a result.

The problem with this scenario is that they saw the plane leave, and had no reason to suspect that the jeep wasn’t loaded back onto it. Even so, they find it almost right away at the junkyard, and start looking for the driver. As the gang and the Dynamic Duo split up and start looking around, the poor nighttime lighting leads to lots of mistaken identity antics involving a cloaked figure that is quite obviously Mrs. Baker again. Some differences in the design of her cloak and robe don’t obscure that it’s in the same colors as before... 

...which seems to be another error, because Shaggy refers to this “sneaky little” figure as wearing a black hood. Batman winds up saving Shaggy and Scooby from being compacted along with a car, and Fred attempts to wrestle the cloaked figure away from the controls of the crane that dropped them there, but winds up wearing a mask like the one under the hood, and he’s mistaken for the culprit himself.

Now that Fred knows how it feels to have a mask abruptly pulled from one’s head, will he be more understanding and cautious when unmasking "monsters”? Unlikely, considering he eventually winds up pulling a zombie’s head right off its neck.

When the gang go back to check Mrs. Baker’s house, the entire building has vanished. Fred and Velma are certain that they’re looking at the right location, but it’s just an empty field with some trees. Well, that’s what we’re supposed to see, but the view never pans beyond the gang looking at the scene. It’s not until much later that we actually see what this scene was supposed to so dramatically convey. 

Batman, the Dark Knight Detective, has one guess as to what’s happened:

That’s right, Batman’s first guess is that there never was a house, nor a Mrs. Baker. Instead, they were all mesmerized to think they had entered a nonexistent building and interacted with a woman who wasn’t there. The only problem with that notion is that the Batmobile is gone, too. 

Batman quietly retires his hypothesis.

Fortunately, the Batmobile has a tracker! The gang offer to be blindfolded while Batman and Robin drive the Mystery Machine to the Batcave to check the Bat-Computer, and because a trend has been established, Batman offers a hungry Shaggy a snack of Bat-Milk and cookies.

Yes, Bat-Milk.

And cookies.

Scooby eats the whole thing and slurps down Shaggy’s milk when he’s not looking. A loyal canine friend.

The Batmobile is tracked to the Gotham City Amusement Park, stopped right in front of a building dedicated to Batman and Robin. The Dynamic Duo conclude that the thief is disposing of the Batmobile there so it could be mistaken as part of the exhibits, hiding it in plain sight.

The car is just fine, parked right in front of the exhibition building, and Shaggy and Scooby offer to sit and wait—and play at being Batman and Robin themselves—in the car while the others look for clues. Which is fortunate, because it lets them spot the carjackers in the attraction across the way.

Fred figures the punch clown is “practically the Joker’s calling card,” and it seems like the case is solved. It’s now up to just Batman and Robin to take down these dangerous criminals, while the gang wait safely outside. What follows is a series of antics as the two villains manipulate their amusement park Haunted House hideout from its control room, trading quips and barbs with each other. A sampling:

Erase your doubts, my web-footed friend.

Why the raucous outburst of mirth, you babbling buffoon?

My fine feathered friend, I shall achieve my goal with a white-sheeted ghoul.

Now, Pengy-wengy....

...my rakish rogue.

Zoinks it, this episode is making me ship the Joker and the Penguin.

Batman and Robin don’t fall for any of the sound effects ("recorded on tape by talented, professional thespians”, Batman insists) or the Joker’s “ghoul” (“nothing more than an ordinary bed sheet, and a cheap one, at that”), but the Joker manages to bait them into a deep pit simply by broadcasting his voice to make it sound like it came from behind a trap door. When the gang move in to see what’s keeping Batman and Robin, the crooks turn their attention to them, instead.

It’s the second episode in a row with scenes in an amusement park, and shockingly, it’s the first of the two to actually make use of that. Antics ensue, but not before Shaggy has a moment of clarity, wondering how it is that Scooby gets the reward of Scooby Snacks while he has to deal with the spooky situations alongside him, with no compensation.

Scooby has a simple answer, gesturing to his brains.

I’m astonished this didn’t become a meme.

The Hanna-Barbera laugh tracks start to wear really thin during these "funhouse” scenes, often playing in scenes with no apparent joke except “the boys are scared by a legitimately dangerous, scary situation”.

Eventually, the criminals resort to dressing up in skeleton costumes to frighten the gang off. Because, you know, being notorious criminals wanted for violent acts wasn’t enough, they had to put on bargain store Halloween costumes.

Astonishingly ,everyone except Fred buys into it, and the gang flee for a solid few seconds before Scooby abruptly stops, turns around, and starts talking about “DELICIOUS-LOOKING BONES!”

The horrifyingly hungry hound manages to chase the Joker and the Penguin right into the pit where they trapped Batman and Robin, and the crooks are caught. The Joker’s wordplay throughout this is actually decently clever, something you don’t see in later incarnations, and the Penguin has a habit of alliteration that makes his lines pleasing to the ear. They wind up being the most enjoyable villains so far...

But they’re not the final culprits. Someone called them anonymously and arranged for real cash payment in exchange for the punch clowns. They know nothing about the vanishing house, and don’t seem to care who has been funneling counterfeit cash to them.

Batman and Robin open the front door to reveal a pair of Gotham City detectives. “Gentlemen, you may take them away!”

So, the Joker and Penguin start to drag off the detectives.

No wonder this city needs superheroes.

Everyone’s worried about Mrs. Baker, “that poor, sweet old lady”. But the gang and Dynamic Duo realize there’s probably a reason that the house’s contents were nailed to the floor—one that explains its disappearing act, as well as the fact that the house has reappeared when they return to where it was last seen.

Once again, Scooby and Shaggy remain with the cars while the others investigate inside. But when a rabbit darts out from the underbrush, Scooby is spooked up a tree and onto a branch, which judders down under his weight, revealing...

A sequence ensues where the entire house rotates upside-down, revealing an alternate empty field and bringing the building into an enormous cavern, while the boys fuss with the branch-switch to try to get the house upright, and Batman and Robin work an alternate switch to bring it back around again.

In the tunnels of the cave, Batman spots the purple-cloaked crook, and the heroes give chase, finding their way up and out into a crate-filled warehouse loaded with all kinds of toys—tying back into the punching clown gimmick of the counterfeiting operation and allowing for even more chase antics in a gag-filled setting.

At one point, Scooby crashes into a stack of boxes, and the villain pops up out of one—running in place in mid-air before dashing out of view across the screen, without ever landing on the ground. It’s kind of jarring, and makes me realize that that’s the sort of visual gag usually reserved for the good guys. It’s also really poorly timed.

Exactly where this warehouse is located relative to any of the rest of the setting is really unclear. Is it underground? A short distance from Mrs. Baker’s house, previously unseen and perhaps near the auto junkyard?

And how does the villain manage to ride a unicycle at speed while wearing a full-length robe and cloak? 

After a lot of chasing—for once, mostly involving the costumed villain being chased, rather than menacing the gang—Scooby manages to knock the crook into the Dynamic Duo’s hands.

The scene cuts to the field above, the mastermind in Batman and Robin’s grip and the gang ready for this all to end.

“Before the cops come take him away, make him tell us what happened to Mrs. Baker,” Fred demands.

“Yes, that dear, sweet old lady,” Daphne agrees.

Velma opines, “The poor woman was just an innocent bystander in all this. She simply vanished.”

Batman turns, waiting. “Well?”

“You fools, Mrs. Baker didn’t vanish! She’s been here all this time.” the villain growls, ripping off the cloak and mask. To the shock of no-one who can perceive the color purple, it’s Mrs. Baker.

Naturally, the gang, Batman, and Robin are all blown away by this.

YOU.

ARE.

DEFECTIVE DETECTIVES.

Mrs. Baker has been running a counterfeiting operation out of her complex system of a disappearing house and secret tunnel for who-knows how long, with this possibly being just the first time she’s been caught at it.

Yeah, a dear, sweet old lady.

Who tried to crush Scooby and Shaggy in a car compactor near the beginning of the episode, and led the gang into the hands of two of Gotham’s most notorious criminal masterminds.

Scooby is ultimately responsible for capturing all the criminals of this episode, and for once, without fouling up a trap or anything, having boldly given chase and forced the crooks into Batman and Robin’s arms. Now, Batman has no Scooby Snacks to offer this uncharacteristically brave canine...

Boy, yeah, that looks appetizing. You feed Ace those, Bruce?

(like what i’m doing here? It’s not what pays the bills, so i’d really appreciate it if you could send me a bit at my paypal.me or via my ko-fi. Click here to see more entries in this series of posts, or here to go in chronological order)