#I WAS 15 AND NOW ILL BE 18 NEXT MONTH

[jiminjamms]

sex therapy :: 29. karma's a bitch

chapter tags/warnings: manipulative! naoya. naoya's anger issues continue. infidelity/adultery. extremely strong language. corruption. mentions of physical violence. family drama.

word count: 3.2k

notes: my sixty-hour work weeks have been taking a huge toll on me, so i apologize for this incredibly slow update. the good news is that i cannot take this corporate america bullshit anymore and will resign in the next two months. thank you for being patient! likes, comments, and reblogs are much appreciated. xoxo

fic masterlist | 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08. 09. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33.

Naoya had never felt this humiliated in his entire life.

When people said karma was a bitch, he never thought that it would actually make its way back to him. While he was not the most righteous person in the world, he was the Zenin CEO, for god’s sake! He was the leader to a multi-billion dollar conglomerate, the heir of a centuries-old bloodline. 

Yet, here he was, charging back to his apartment like an irate animal.

He startled the lobby doormen upon his loud entry, and once he returned to his penthouse, he had to will every muscle in his body not to tear apart his abode in a rampage.

In his head, his encounter with Toji looped like a broken record, fueling his chagrin.

When Naoya sought to confront his cousin for the first time in months, he thought he had been prepared. He did not expect to end up digging himself into a deep hole surpassing the world's layers due to a judgment error—a slight miscalculation. 

Correction: this miscalculation was anything but 'slight' because he wildly underestimated what felt like everything. Now, he bore the consequences of his mistakes after inadvertently turning himself into a laughingstock. Because his ego was his hamartia, he had become a mere jester in a story where he was meant to be the sole hero, and thus his ill feelings burned hotter than the surface of the Sun.

As much as he hated to admit this, Naoya had been shortsighted. He should have known better. Just weeks ago, he saw a vision filled with saccharine promises of a happy, comfortable life as the most powerful man in Japan imbued with power and wealth. He had been confident—a hundred percent certain—that absolutely nothing could go wrong in the trajectory he worked hard to create. But, what the actual fuck just happened at the therapist's office?!

He did not expect his mistress to make a complete fool out of him. Her very existence was an anathema to him, and he hoped to never be in contact with that woman ever again. In hindsight, Naoya should have taken the hint a while ago. He had previously forgiven his cousin's ex-wife, dismissing her blissful but intentional ignorance. Mari had never been too keen on actual intellectual and corporate matters, for she took far more interest in the money and comfort that came with starting from the bottom and sleeping her way to the top. Despite that, Naoya trusted that she at least had half the mind to not publicly discuss their affair, only for him to be proven wrong in front of none other than...Toji Fushiguro.

"Fuck!" Naoya screamed into the void of his empty living room. His reality was a nightmare as he thought about his despised cousin again—the assured gleam in his viridescent eyes, the smug smirk that tugged across his lips. The imagery soured his mood beyond measure. "I'm going to fucking—"

He did not finish his sentence.

Instead, he kicked a nearby lamp in an angry bout, toppling the fixture over and sending tiny shards cascading across the floor accompanied by the dull thud of the shade. Whatever. His housekeeper tomorrow morning would come in and clean that. 

What he instead focused on was how he had never been this infuriated, this belittled, this undignified.

The entire apartment echoed with Naoya's loud huff.

'About ‘your wife’ or whatever you want to deem her, there is not a single chance in hell that she’d ever think about calling you her husband anymore.' These words from Toji affected him more than he would have liked.

What did he mean?

That bastard is bluffing, the blonde had to tell himself, yet even he could not believe in his own consolation.

He needed to do something about this. 

No, no, Naoya wasn’t scared.

He couldn’t possibly be, right?!

Yet, after he could feel his ears begin to cool and breathing start to re-regulate, he stared at the emptiness in his halls as he came to the realization that had no better choice but to talk to you.

You didn't want to be here.

The moment you read Naoya Zenin's text to meet up for a 'quick chat' at the café near his office, you already knew that the upcoming conversation was going to be anything but 'quick.' The last thing you wished to do was to be in the same vicinity as that very man again.

After spending the last few days at your family residence, you had been showered with warm attention from aunts, uncles, cousins, and even house attendants who—despite naturally wondering the reason behind your stay—welcomed your visit with open arms. To your relatives' many inquiries, you forged a pretense that all was well even if all was not. (Besides, all did seem well in your family estate, away from the incessant pandemonium that was the Tokyo city center.)

While you knew that this peaceful break was not meant to last forever, you did not anticipate returning to the capital just to sit with the Zenin CEO alone.

Naoya had specifically chosen a corner table in the Hong Kong-inspired establishment, distanced from potential eavesdroppers. He seemed to have been waiting for a while by the time you arrived, his right leg crossed over his left knee as he twiddled with his thumbs impatiently. Sprawled on the table were a freshly brewed pot of jasmine tea and a platter of warm custard pastries.

He remained quiet as you took the seat across from him, observing with a crease on his forehead and a knit to his brows.

Anyone could tell that the blonde was not the least bit happy.

"Giving me dirty looks is not going to get this conversation anywhere," you pointed out while helping yourself to a tart.

From your comment, the inverted slope on Naoya's lips twisted into a deeper frown. 

He did not understand where your annoyance came from. 

Fine, he never treated you nicely either, but he did not expect you to snap at him when the discussion had hardly begun. You offered him no greetings, and Naoya also took great offense at how you chose not to look at him as you talked.

Truth be told, your neglect reminded him of all the other upsetting things that he was dying to bring up, and your unpleasant attitude whittled away the little restraint he had left.

“You didn’t try to ask where I’ve been. Not one text or call. Guess it would not have mattered to you if I disappeared, huh?" he lashed out through gritted teeth. He hated being forgotten, hated being looked over, and hated how easy it was for him to prove you to be a neglectful and apathetic wife.

Which was why there was no better option than to cut him off.

“You ordered me to leave you alone, Naoya.” Only slightly did you turn your head to glance at him. Stirring sugar into your tea, you kept your attention otherwise on the nearby window and watched businesspeople scurrying about on the streets on their lunch breaks. "You can live without my attention since I'm not the only woman you have around. What happened to your lady friend? Hasn't she been entertaining you long before our marriage? I am sure she would love your company, so why not pay her an impromptu visit?”

From a slanting angle, you could tell that the transformation from your normally calm demeanor dismayed him. Naoya, not you, was typically the one to make snide comebacks, but he could not deny your latest comments. Evidently, he wanted you to go back to your submissive and passive self, but that was precisely what you no longer could be for him.

His silence prompted you to reach into your purse and retrieve a thick manila envelope, and you presented the package on the table.

Naoya's gaze snapped to the parcel. 

He was curious, but cautiously so. He had invited you here, expecting to control the narrative, to dictate the terms. As a result, your unexpected move threw him off balance. 

"What...?"

“Take a look and find out for yourself.”

A puzzled Naoya demonstrated no hesitation.

He snatched the folder, tearing the top open and greedily grabbing the curated pieces inside. He stared for a long time at the first item: a photo. But he recognized the image of him and his mistress, boarding a private jet for their most recent trip to Mexico. Then, he flipped through the stack rapidly, barely registering each item before he turned to the next. Some were printed-out pictures and others were cutouts from news articles, but all featured him and his paramour. The confusion on Naoya's visage slowly morphed into aggravation, and when he finished his inspection, he forcefully threw the items back onto the table.

In the end, Naoya sat back and went still, not even blinking, thinking, or doing anything but pressing his tongue along his inner cheek. "How did you get these?"

No apologies. No remorse.

Hell, based on his response, the man could not even bother to deny your accusations, a telling sign of how little he could care for his relationship with you. Obviously, you must be a joke to him.

In one firm motion, you placed down your teacup.

"You're missing the point.”

While one's eyes may be the windows to the soul, Naoya's offered nothing in his current state. His pupils looked at—no, examined you in intense dark pools despite the iridescent glow from the lights above.

"Toji gave you these, didn't he?" Naoya continued with a disdainful laugh, himself insistent on getting answers to his own questions. "You can't find this shit on the internet anymore since I've had them all taken down. But Toji's fast. He has eyes everywhere, I know he does. Look at him. Months later, and he's still hung up on reclaiming a position he should've never had the right to in the first place!"

Thankfully, you didn’t flinch from his loud voice. What you did do was become more indifferent as if you were placing a wall to separate yourself from him, mentally bracing for his emotional maelstrom.

"You are missing the point," you said once more. This time, you shook your head in disappointment, and your tone was far more frustrated than the last. "Aren't you shameless?”

"Me? Shameless?!” His brows pinched closer from fury. "Take a look at yourself, woman! What did you do to get all this dirt from Toji and his henchmen, hm? Ha! Know what? I bet it’s because you're so willing to spread yourself for them,” he rambled with a nasty sneer plastered on his expression. At his comments, your jaw fell open before snapping shut as the meaning behind his words sank in. The way this man disregarded how he had an affair (that began many months ago!) only to redirect the spotlight onto you was repulsing, implying that the sole reason the therapists talked to you was that you had slept around. “A whore like you love taking all them all, don’t you? Well? Well? Am I right? Goddamn, you’re such a—”

The harsh scraping from your chair as you stood was what finally interrupted him. Unable to tolerate his vilification, you counteracted his anger with the venom in your rancorous glare. 

"How dare you talk about me like that!”

In the meantime, prying eyes started to turn in your direction from the commotion: teenage girls, sharing nervous glances across their table; a lone businessman, stopping mid-sip from his cappuccino; even the barista, pausing mid-grind such that her arm froze inches from the hopper.

"That man...doesn't he seem familiar?" a distant voice asked.

"Is he a celebrity or something?"

"No, wait. He's the person on the cover of last month's Fortune magazine. Naoya Zenin!" another replied.

"Isn't that lady his wife?"

While the onlookers' curious glances turned into full-on stares, their regard steeled your resolve rather than bothered you. Instead, you wanted the crowd to take in the spectacle. Corrupt tricks and dirty money had long painted the Zenin heir as 'the most perfect man in Japan,' and the public deserved to understand the fraudulence and cruelty that underlaid his facade.

"For months, I trusted you. I respected you. I put aside the harrowing loneliness weighing on my heart all because I tried to understand you. You told me that finding the time or energy for our marriage was not easy because board meetings kept you late in the office or business meetings required you to spend several nights abroad. Fine! So, I had been patient. But," and your voice overflowed from anger as you pointed a shaking finger at the pictures on the table, "Taking another woman to Michelin restaurants for dinners? Spending nights with her at Ritz-Carltons and Four Seasons? Going on entire vacations with her across the Pacific? All while you had a wife at home? Are you out of your fucking mind ?!" 

The man's nose flared with deep-seated rage, his eyes mirroring the same bitterness in yours. "At the end of the day," he began sternly, "we're still married."

Ridiculous.

“On paper, ” you had to clarify. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be cheating on me with your older cousin's ex-wife."

Immediately, louder murmurs rippled through the crowd. Naoya turned stiff, uncomfortable with the attention. So much for selecting a quiet corner in the café. He wasn’t stupid enough to sense that he had to be careful. Saying one wrong phrase would condemn him to a public meltdown. 

However, you were already steps ahead of him when you loudly declared: “I’m filing for a divorce.” 

That caught him off guard.

Your announcement even drew audible astonishment from bystanders as they stopped their meals, turning to each other and drawing out their phones.

In literal milliseconds, the vexation once riddling Naoya's demeanor shifted into denial.

“No. We’re not going to talk about a fucking divorce right now. We’re going to fix what we have, and you’re going to come back to me. We’re...We're married for a reason, and we’re going to keep with it!”

"That's a bullshit reason,” you had to snap. “Listen to yourself. Do you hear how selfish you sound!?" At this point, nothing could hide your bafflement. "Naoya, you were the one who said that if I wanted to leave this marriage badly, then I should leave. Ask Mai and Maki! They heard the entire conversation. Didn't you also say that you didn't give a fuck anymore?"

The man attempted to salvage some semblance of control. "I was just joking!"

"No, you were not." Picking up a photo of Naoya and Mari together, you pressed the picture to his face. “How much more can I take? How many days would I still have to go through alone in the penthouse, all because you would be spending your sweet time with the woman that you love?”

Unloading all this emotional baggage, not only for Naoya Zenin but also for the café spectators to hear, took courage. Previously, you would have let the burden gnaw at your soul. You would have rather wallowed in suffering rather than even think about speaking up.

But the past was the past, and you had grown immensely since then. Currently, you were stronger, more confident. You knew that, in Toji's words, you deserved better. Life was too beautiful to waste on a man who did not love or respect you and, with that in mind, you relaxed your clenched fists with an exhausted and fatigued sigh. 

You broke me first, you said through a deserted gaze. 

Naoya Zenin was the reason why you had become the way you were: a cold, seemingly heartless wife who cared none for her husband. The misery that he placed on your shoulders finally reached its limit, and while you could forgive, forgetting the memories in your scarred heart would be a task over months, years, and even a lifetime. 

“Listen,” you began, tone terse, “this divorce will set you free. Mari is the person whom you need—”

“The hell. No!” the man interrupted in a violent outburst, taking your breath away as he slammed the table and hissed. “I don't give a damn about her right now! We’re…We’re over!" he snarled with incredible anger such that he almost appeared to growl. "I don’t need her, I need you! That...That whore doesn't give a flying fuck about my shit! All she cares about is...is...Fuck this. All she wants is the money. Why else do you think she married and then later divorced Toji? She doesn't want to hear about all the shit in my family because she had not been brought up to deal with all the fuckin' drama in my household. She can't understand because, unlike you, she wasn't born with a silver spoon shoved down her goddamn throat!"

Quietly, you absorbed his words, stunned.

So this was how their relationship had been.

You had not expected him to reveal all these entrenched feelings willingly, but his concoction between reckless rage and sheer desperation had allowed him to spill the ugly side of this extramarital affair. Naoya could not afford to lose you, and not just because this marriage solidified the respect of those around him. While Mari offered him an outlet for physical indulgence, only you could offer the cornerstone to Naoya's mental and social fortitude.

“So you ‘need’ me now, but what happens when you find another reason to hate me again? What will you do if you don’t think I can fulfill the role you want me to have as your partner? Or if you wake up one day and suddenly want your cousin’s ex-wife again? Or if you meet another woman? Am I supposed to stand there again, and watch this all happen?" 

No answer.

The fact that he couldn't respond hurt.

"My decision is final. Looking back, I despised every single second married to you. In fact, I feel sorry for myself. The fact that I blindly put up with your manipulation, betrayal, and blame for all these months.” With your belongings collected, you prepared to leave. “You would be stupid to think you're the only one with options, you know.”

Only when you turned around did Naoya react, scrambling to his feet.

“What the fuck are you—”

In any other situation, he would have grabbed you, lunged at you, did everything in his power to stop you from going. Yet, given all the witnesses, all he could do was call you back like a helpless child, trying his best to not escalate the scene (although, at this point, even passerbys outside have stopped by the window to spectate).

"Hey!" Naoya called after you. “Hey! I’m still talking with you!”

Pathetic, really, to see him desperately beg for you to stay in his life.

There was a certain satisfaction in finally having the control at your fingertips. The feeling was empowering—electrifying, even—and you became so focused on the gratification that you barely registered Naoya's last question.

“Where are you going?”

At this point, you already stood by the exit.

“That’s not something that my soon-to-be ex-husband would need to know,” and you hardly gave him another glance as the door closed behind you. “Thank you for showing me everything I hope to never find in another man again."

last chapter || next chapter

end notes: Part of why this update took so long was because I wanted to have an encounter between Naoya and Y/N to showcase Y/N’s development, from someone who thoughtlessly defended her husband to someone who could stand up for herself (all while alone!). I envisioned this interaction many times, and I thought about different ways to approach the scene, the delivery, the dialogue, the choreography, etc. It took me a while to go for what I currently have. Thank you for reading!

taglist: @dissociatingdiva @httpsplanetmarsdotcom @nemoyr @huangfairy @shadowarchon @203steph @agentdedf1sh @cloudybabes @lynn-writes-things @illicitwriter @7oji @kikuchimi @chaoticjojofan @musicisme333 @kumocchin @s-guru @mwahilovemylife @hey-gurls69 @cloudsinthecosmos @moon-mumu-moon @kazscara @skilerfrostfairy @funicidals @nico707 @proteovaldez @tsukiyohanayome @marimoares @qirbys @puffaloxx @sakanoshitaa @arizzu @kissditrio @lewd-bunny14 @mistyheart @szired @supsii @yvy1s @lazyassfinals @katkbc @tokyometronetwork @downtown-roponggi @the-cosmos-network

[louisupdates]

Within a few years, [Lottie] Tomlinson would be touring America, Asia and Europe, flying first class with Louis, part of the biggest boy band in the world, but until she was 15, the family had only ever gone to France once a year all packed into a seven-seater car, with her mother’s new partner, snacks laid out in the middle. They stayed in a caravan park. On a Sunday, a treat was to go to their mother’s hospital to see the babies.

While Louis just wanted to sing, play the guitar and listen to Oasis, the girls were obsessed with make-up.

Saturday nights were spent watching The X Factor. “My mother and brother kept applying; in 2010, he got in and the whole family went for the audition. We believed in him, but we never thought it would go that far.” One day the family were going to the live shows, the next the boy band was formed with Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan and Liam Payne. “He was 18. For my mum it was a big shock. It was all so sudden. The press and fans were in our front garden every day.”

“At first Louis didn’t really want his little sister gate crashing his new rock-star life, but now it feels like the best time of our lives — we experienced that craziness together,” [Lottie] says.

Her mother asked the family to keep her illness secret. “It was hard because you feel so isolated, but I understood. Louis was in the public eye and she didn’t want him questioned. She was determined to fight it and didn’t want everyone pitying her. My friends noticed I was acting differently for a few months. But I wanted to respect her wishes. It was her one request.”

Meanwhile, her older brother, who was launching his solo career, ensured there was enough money. “He’s incredibly generous. We looked after each other.”

Louis was also forging his career as a solo artist, eventually creating the song Two of Us about his mother’s death. “We were always so proud of Louis and what he was doing. We were not going to match up to being a global superstar, but we didn’t want to — ‘successful’ looks different for everyone,” she says.

When [Lottie] Tomlinson was invited to Bali, she asked Fizz whether she wanted her to stay behind. “She said she was OK, and then it happened while I was away,” she says. (Fizz accidentally overdosed on cocaine, an anxiety drug and painkillers, her inquest found.) “Louis called me…” She stops talking.

“[…] it’s funny, [Lucky] actually looks a lot like Louis did — and I thought, this is what my mother must have felt. But then I had so many questions I couldn’t ask, even more because she was a midwife.”

- Excerpts from the INTERVIEW: Lottie Tomlinson: we lost our mum and sister. Louis saved me. By Alice Thomson, The Times [23.7.2024] to promote Lottie’s book, Lucky Girl

[houpss]

REST

🧊–return to masterlist ¡! ✥

"Good day, this is JYP ENTERTAINMENT. 26.12.2021 Lily Hwang of Stray Kids is taking a rest due to worsening panic attacks and anxiety disorder, which is why her activities are suspended for a while. All of Stray kids' next events, comebacks and promotions will be released without her participation until she is fully recovered! We ask fans for understanding and all possible support, she asked you not to worry about her.JYPE will consider the artist's health a top priority and will do everything possible to support Lily's speedy recovery."

Then this statement from the Company shocked everyone and everyone was very upset by this development of events. Hundreds of thousands of letters of support were written to Lily in the bubble, they never forgot about her and encouraged her. MANIAC's comeback came out without her participation, but the students were so upset because Lily was in the teaser and in the video, but she was not in the promo or other songs.Lily appeared for the first time since her return to the bubble in May (01.05.2022), writing two messages:

[🐻]::Y/n!! hi, I feel much better. did you hear that the boys will have a world tour?:) Please visit it! I promise you'll like it (06:19 a.m)

[🐻]::I miss you and the boys, pain makes us stronger (08:32 a.m)

○○○

On the first day of the STRAY KIDS world tour in Seoul, Lily came to the concert with Mingi and Tenshi (she was the only one who was very scared), sitting in the front rows and she was shown on the big screen at the end of the concert, the boys burst into tears and were very happy to see her because they didn't know about her arrival at the concert, Lily also cried, and then she was allowed to go up on stage and they all stood there together and cried,they hugged so much:((( I can say that it was a difficult concert without Lily and the first concert after the pandemic, the boys were very upset and happy to see Stay again, but so tearful because of Lily. (this moment went viral everywhere), (date 05.05.2022)

On July 31, 2022, the video and song TIME OUT were released, with the release of which Lily left the rest, and the students were in great shock and also cried when they saw Lily in the video and heard her voice, everyone was incredibly happy about it. Then Lily wrote in the bubble:

[🐻]::Next to Y/n I am stronger, I promise to work and work and make my baby Y/n happy (11:02 p.m)

[🐻]::War is over (reference to the song) (11:07 p.m)

[🐻]::Oh...do you want for me to stay with you? (11:10 p.m)

[🐻]::During these seven months my life has become better! all thanks to Y/n's support~ (11:12 p.m)

[🐻]:: I missed you too, baby! let's continue to work harder so that we move forward together (11:15 p.m)

[🐻]:: I traveled a lot and went to a psychotherapist, so I felt better... (11:18 p.m)

[🐻]:: My close friends and boys helped me a lot (11:27 p.m)

[🐻]:: I don’t regret that the MANIAC comeback was without me! so Y/n saw the boys' talents to the fullest (11:28 p.m)

[🐻]:: Should I live onair tomorrow??

[🐻]:: I'll carry it out! and we'll have fun! (11:30 p.m)

[🐻]:: And now I'm going to bed! soft dreams, baby 🩷 (11:35 p.m)

Lily suffered all these seven months, she was terribly ill. She did not leave the room, did not eat, and did not communicate with anyone. Even SKZ couldn’t get her out of this state, not to mention Lily’s friends. Then Donghyun arrived from New York and, together with Kiri and Tenshi, began working on Lily’s condition. They organized a tour for her to different countries: Italy, France, Canada, Greece, UAE, Japan, Great Britain, and she also visited the Maldives. Lily even thought about committing suicide if it weren’t for Seungmin, who saw the prerequisites in time and sent Lily along with Chan to a psychotherapist (Lily refused to go alone). She wanted to quit K-pop completely, but her close people stopped her. What about Lily's parents? They didn’t know about it, or rather, Lily’s mother knew and quietly sent her money for treatment, but her father simply didn’t care. he abandoned his daughter back in 2017.

I can say that everyone handled Lily's rest differently, but it was hard. I think Felix and Jongin were the most depressed,Changbin hid his fears within himself , Minho became more irritable and Jisung was anxious without Lily...what about Chan and Hyunjin? They saw Lily most at this time, perhaps she only let them in and sometimes Felix, she didn’t want to see others. Seungmin observed the situation from afar and he was the one who helped her the most, but is not visible.

[intosnarkness]

So my cat died today.

(tw:pet illness, death)

idk I might try and write the whole story later, but 15 years is a lot to try and boil down. (NB, I got him when he was 2, which you might have figured out because he was 17.)

But long story short, in February of 22 I was in Florida setting up an expo for work when the vet called me. Nat had taken the boys for a dental cleaning, and Peri lost like, a pound in a few weeks.

I was 900 miles away and could do nothing as they did scans and blood tests and I hid behind a shipping crate and cried.

They found a mass in his stomach and he's been on steroids since. We didn't know what it was, because I didn't want to do the exploratory on a cat his age. The vet agreed. I thought at the time that I had 3 months left. I got 18.

Recently Pman has had less appetite. This came to a head on Wednesday when I got home from work to feed the cats and he didn't come when I opened the can. He was also leaving more and more food uneaten.

I called the vet yesterday but it didn't feel emergent so when i got voicemail I gave up. Called again around 11 this morning and they asked me to bring him in ASAP. I had a Feeling then that today was going to end with a cremation.

Nat was headed home early from work because they're doing construction on his building and he was Done so I called and asked him to take Peri in. He agreed.

When he got to the house, Peri had found a bobbin for embroidery floss at some point between when I left at 7:45am and when he got home at 11:45am and eaten the thread off of it.

Nat called me and I just.. left. I just got up and left work and called the people I needed to call from the car to tell them I had a pet emergency and was leaving for the day. Nat and I met at the vet.

The issues came down to this:

When a cat eats string, your concern is it being in the intestine. If you pull on the string you can tear the intestine with the pressure. If you don't know how long it's been, you need to scope the cat or do exploratory surgery.

Our vet did not have anyone to scope the cat. They called every other vet in town, apparently. Time ticked by. They found one about 40 minutes away.

At this point it was close to 1:30. In the best scenario, it had been at least 2 hours since the thread entered his system. It would be another hour before we could get the scope in him. I kept saying to Nat, as we sat and waited, that there was no world where it wasn't in the intestine by the time we got him there. This is when I started to really fucking lose it.

If the string was in the intestine, they were going to have to do exploratory abdominal surgery on a 17-year-old cat to get it out. I remember what his recovery was like when he was 3 and did this. I was not sure it was fair to do that to a cat as old as him. I was pretty sure I had murdered my best friend with embroidery floss, which is going to be funny in retrospect but right now it isn't.

I know Peri has eaten string before. I remember the night he did it in the Laurel apartment like it was yesterday. I was usually vigilant about not leaving shit around for him to eat. The number of times I nagged Nat about spools of thread, or shoelaces, or twist ties. I looked at that bobbin yesterday and thought "I should put that away before Peri gets at it." I did not put it away. I was starting to convince myself that I killed my cat. That this whole thing was my fault. Poor Nat sitting next to me in this vet room. He is not an affectionate person. He does not touch. I doubt we have ever hugged. Here we are, and I'm holding my cat and crying. He mustered up all his courage and touched my shoulder. We stan one emotionally unavailable roommate.

As it turned out, it didn't matter. The x-ray revealed that the mass in his stomach had moved to his chest. His lungs were scalloped around the edges and there was fluid around his heart.

Nat and I both cried and killed an entire box of tissues. Peri let me hold him and he even gave us some moops. The vet told me to just keep talking. And the only thing I remember saying was that he had been such a good mommy to those ferals we fostered because he did such a good job of raising me, first.

So best boy, lover of Popsicle sticks, Wrong Tail haver, spottiest cat and cattiest spot, Peri Pants McGee, the Periman, Pman, Mr. Mooperman, and any other name I called him over the last 15 years was the best cat that most of you never got to meet.

His favorite thing in the world was when I put a blanket over my legs and then he laid on the blanket. He liked to lick my toes and ankles, which was the worst. He was a very good reason to stay alive on certain days when that didn't seem to be a priority. He was my best friend, and I love him.

[coastxlwaters]

What happened to ur thumb?!

So, this happened yesterday

0. I had a low level of light headedness and a stomach ache but I needed to get out to the barn to exercise autumn

1. Autumn wasn’t ridden for 2 days and was energetic

2. My crop and saddle felt off, I later learn they were used and modified slightly without my permission (I’m not mad at whoever did, just confused on why they did it as well have that stuff at the barn)

3. My crop and set being off, shifted my normal no anxiety routine to a “oh god, do I need to check Autumn’s back and legs for injuries?” Routine.

4. My legs were awkward trying to reposition correctly, and since autumn is used to me being a quiet and relaxed rider and caretaker that probably ticked her off, her ears were pinned back but flopping, no fucking idea what that means but I have seem some horses do it when anxious or stressed, but idk

5. The crop kept hitting the wrong place on the shoulder, I hound be able to tap once and she goes, and since I’m a rated-shows rider I can’t look down as it’s frowned upon, and have to keep my head up until the lesson or atleast course is over. So I wasn’t able to see what the difference was other than the slightly off feeling.

6. Ticked her off more that I continued to try to use the crop. MY fault, I have no fucking idea what I was doing there other than me failing to follow proper barn rules.

7. We start the course and I she goes speed demon and I could tell she was abt to do SMTH, whether it was a buck or rear I honestly don’t know nor want to find out. I just cut off and out of the course halfway through

8. I got called a coward, (JOKINGLY) so I laugh and say “fuck you than, let’s see what shit I can do now that her energy is out” and get back on.

9. Same thing as 7 but this time I don’t cut off the course and the literal next jump she bucks

10. I land HARD on her neck, I really need to check it out but my friend said she looks fine for now.

11. My hand obviously hits her neck first, my thumb taking the most damage

12. I stayed on, THANKFULLY, cause if I fell off I have no fucking idea what would have happened

13. The rest is kinda like, foggy ig, I remeber making my usual “it can’t be to bad, I lived!” And then my thumb started hurting. At first thought it was SMTH I could ride off. I was wrong and for the next 15 mins I was a mess from it, both being my birthday and smth bad happening on my birthday for th 3rd time in a row. I get home, see my finger and go “damn I’m overdramatic as hell, it’s only a minor jam”

14. Just ice it and kept it elevated the entire night

(Today)

14. No sleep last night

15. It looks weird so I prob need to get it checked for possible infection

16. I get to the doctors and expect to be laughed at for coming in with a minor jam

17. I get X-rayed cause they wanted to see if it’s fractured, told I did amazing for being actively hurt and staying still and calm during it

18. I get to the actual office, Hear I shattered the tip of my thumb and it will forever be slightly bent, get banned from horse riding for a month, (sucks for them as I won’t listen to that)

19. I pull the cancer joke on @stormbreaker-290 again while walking to the room I’m supposed to go to, since I’m MEAN-

20. I get measured for a 1 finger cast as the injury is not severe in the sense I would need a full handed cast, but apparently shattering your tip of your thumb is relatively severe, since it doesn’t happen often and will leave me with my thumb being bent slightly forever unless I decide to do an overpriced surgery. Spoiler alert, I’m broke. Doenst hurt like what I expected tho, it’s only in that category I think for a longer healing process (I wasn’t listening but it was MENTIONED) and a permanent difference in my thumb even if it’s barely noticeable.

So, yeah it’s not severe in the sense of pain, it might take a bit to heal, I’m gonna take care of autumn still obvi and completely ignore the no-riding rule. I MEAN, ILL ONLY DO WORKOUTS AND NOTHING TO BIG OR SHOW PRACTICES OK?!

It’s also on my left hand, and I’m a boring right handed person so I’m fine lol. Gonna use it to hopefully get out of school obvi, but like yeah

Preppy cast✨

[iplaywithstring]

In 2020 my daughter (then 13) told me she had been looking at some stuff and she thought she might have ADHD. I had not considered this possibility before she brought it up, but with about 5 minutes of reflection, it made sense. We were already running on the assumption that my husband (her dad) has ADHD and our home had a lot of adhd-friendly ways of doing life and honestly some signs (time blindness, fidgeting, hobby-hopping, distraction) were overlooked.

Being that it was 2020, everything was slowed down and backed up, but being people with privilege, we were able to pay for a private psychologist to do a full assessment. It took about 3 months and ended up with a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis and an evaluation that boiled down to "she probably has ADHD but she does really well in school so deal with the anxiety first and see if that fixes things". Took that to our GP, who basically said "I don't know what to do with this" and prescribed Prozac, which increased her anxiety so we stopped it and asked for a referral to a psychiatrist.

It took almost 18 months to get the appointment - meanwhile she had no supports, no treatment, and no follow up from her GP. At that appointment, the Dr revised her diagnosis - she absolutely has ADHD, but she's good at school, so no need to treat it. However, because she didn't respond well to the prozac and she "gets really sad sometimes" (that was actually the question he asked, no probing, or clarifying, just "do you feel really sad sometimes", to a 15 year old!), prescribed a mood stabilizer because she might have a mood disorder (bi-polar disorder). My husband (who was there for the appointment - I wasn't able to go) was so shocked and confused he just said thank you and left.

We did not fill the prescription for the mood stabilizer. No issues with taking medication when needed, but she showed no signs of excessive mood swings - she had also just had her first break up a couple weeks before the appointment. While waiting for the follow up (where I planned to advocate for treatment for the actual thing he said she had, not the theoretical maybe thing she might struggle with) I saw ads for a private clinic specifically for ADHD diagnosis and treatment. I was nervous - I've got medical trauma (it comes with chronic illness) and did not want to be seen as shopping around for pills for my kid, or ignoring medical advice, or any of the other things that would make getting her treatment more difficult.

So my husband went first - made an appointment, filled out the forms, got a diagnosis and treatment plan. It was so easy and affirming and validating for him, and since starting the treatment he's been so relaxed! He might also be able to stop his anxiety meds (he also has a GAD diagnosis, which might be wrong based on how inattentive type ADHD works).

My daughter had her first appointment this week, it felt so good. She was heard and understood. Her experience and struggles weren't overlooked. She was validated. The NP doing the appointment even mentioned how it's harder for intelligent kids to get diagnosed because they are able to mask so well and too many people just look at school performance. She has a follow up next week to go over a treatment plan. The NP even said she would look at medications not in pill form as my daughter has issues swallowing pills.

I can't express how excited I am. She's 16 now, in grade 11, and things have been so much harder on her in the last year. I'm hopeful that between the treatment plan and coaching, the transition to university will be gentle and she won't face the same breakdown so many people (especially women) with ADHD go through in early adulthood. I'm hopeful this will help her to see her strengths and to not feel so overwhelmed and broken most of the time.

It took far too long and was much more difficult (and expensive!!!!) than it should have been to get to this point, but I am so glad we have a plan now and that she feels good about it!

[forgedroyalseal]

Ranger Gathering Day 9

Bond-

Empty chairs at empty tables, where my friends will sit no more

(TW: major/minor character death, non graphic)

He had always assumed he’d be the first one to die. He lead a dangerous life, it was a natural conclusion. Oh how wrong he was. Now as he moves through the halls of the Redmont ward, he realizes that he should have always known. He was destined to die the same way he had been brought to the ward, alone and scared. Nearly 80 years have passed between his birth and this moment, but how much as really changed? He still felt like a lonely lost boy searching for his family. The only difference is that now, he knows he has already lost the only one he’ll ever know.

Alyss was the first to go, and the utter wrongness of it sent chills up his spine even now. He should have never outlived her, and it’s hard to not think about all the times he begged the cold, unforgiving night sky to let him trade places with her. He knew that she’d be able to survive without him, she was stronger than he was, always had been. Her loss left him a broken man. Not that that was surprising. Alyss had always been his person, even if at times he couldn’t seem to find a way to accurately describe their relationship.

George was next. Unlike Alyss, it wasn’t sudden or unexpected, he had been ill for months, but the pain of losing his brother rattled Will. It had only been 10 years after Alyss’ death and Will wondered how many more friends he’d have to watch be buried before it was his turn. You could see Alyss’ grave from George’s and during his funeral, Will’s eyes drifted over to it. It was good they were near each other, Will thought. He wasn’t sure what came after death, but it was still comforting to know that Alyss wasn’t alone.

18 years later, Will broke once again. Losing Horace was every bit as painful as losing Alyss, something he had never thought possible. Without his closest friend and brother, Will felt weak and vulnerable. For over 50 years, Horace had been at Will’s right hand, always prepared to defend his friend, even if it meant risking his own life. Even when they lived on opposite sides of the country, Will never doubted that if he was ever in trouble, Horace would be there for him, armed with a sword and a shoulder to cry on. Will was unable to hide his overwhelming grief. He locked himself way in his cabin, refusing to see anyone. For over a week, Will lied in his bed staring watery-eyed at the ceiling. He didn’t eat or drink, and the only thought he had was, I’m ready to go. Please let me go. I can’t do this without them. But then Jenny came to his door. She knocked and knocked and knocked. And when that didn’t work, she convinced the young new ranger of Redmont to break into the cabin. She demanded he got up. She literally dragged him out of bed by his ankles into the living room, stronger than a woman in her 60’s had any right to be. She forced him to eat and bathe. Then she wrapped him up in a quilt that Sandra had gifted him many years ago as a wedding anniversary gift. Jenny sat besides Will and told stories about their old friends, until he was laughing along with her.

Will stumbled over a crack in the floor, and he was pulled back to the present. He had to grip a chair to keep himself from falling.

“That crack wasn’t here when we were growing up.” Will grumbles to himself, sitting down slowly in the chair. He hated how slow he was, his joints stuff and achy, but his mind nearly as sharp as it was at 15.

Will looked around at the ward. Not much had changed in all honesty. The bunks were the same. The library was better stocked that it once was, but it still smelled of old leather and parchment. George’s scent, his mind reminded him, pulling up memories of his friend spending hours a day among the books, reciting fact and statistics to anyone who happened to pass by.

The ward was quiet, the children that lived there all away at school for the day. “It’s just me now. Everyone else is gone. Why am I still here? Why was I the last to go?” Will asked the dimly lit room. The walls, unsurprisingly, did not reply.

Will looked down at himself. Would this be the last time he’d have to wear this solemn black cloak? Pauline had gifted it to him for Alyss’ funeral, and he has worn it more than he had ever expected. A cool draft passed through and Will pulled the cloak tighter to himself. He had come straight from Jenny’s funeral, not realizing where his legs were taking him until he had arrived. He was glad for it though. This is where he felt closest to his family. This ward was where they had built an unbreakable bond.

“Thank you for giving us to each other. Thank you for my family.” Will whispered.

A week later, Ranger Will Treaty was laid to rest next to his wife, his closest friends all buried mere meters away.

Ranger Will Treaty

Ranger, Husband, Brother

until the end

[dogtreat]

every question for end of the year asks 👍 ifyou want

2. album of the year

fountain baby - amaarae

3. favorite music artist you started listening to this year

JILUKA

4. movie of the year

everything everywhere all at once and BOTTOMS!

the rest under the cut ^>^

5. tv show of the year

i really dont remember what i watched lol maybe gen v cuz i can only rmember it

6. episode of media that defined the year for me

clearly none if i dont rmr anything

7. favorite actor of the year

AYO EDEBIRI!

9. best month of the year

december bc i spent it with my boyfie <3

10. something that made you cry

i remembered some terrible things bc i am unfortunately the rememberer 👍

11. something you want to do again next year

i want to see my boyfriendagain

12. talk about a new friend you made this year

@circalico i love u so much u are definitely one of my closest friends and im so glad 2023 brought us together <3 now 2024 can bring us closer!

13. how was your birthday this year

i dont remember it!

14. favorite book you read this year

foundation by asimov!

15. whats a bad habit you picked up last year

a bad coping mech

16. post a picture from the beginning of the year

17. post a picture from the end of the year

18. a memorable meal

I tried korean fried chicken and mochi donuts for the first time this year! yum!

20. whats something you learned this year?

Amphetamines are structurally similar to dopamine! but i think this means personally. so ill say that i learned a lot about how i cope with stress, how i love others, and the type of love i need in return

21. whats something new about your place of residence

its cleaner! with more decorations

23. if you could message yourself back on the first day of the year what would you say?

i would say... there will be a lot of rough moments this year but you will still get through it even if it feels impossible. lean on your friends!

24. did you keep any new years resolutions

i didnt make any last year

25. did you create any characters?

so many. most prominently is akare kai, hes boy that looks like a girl and hes got a lot going on in his head. but despite it all he clings to hope

[creative-caramel-coffee]

PROMPTS LIST

Hi welcome to my prompts list, if you have an idea for a fic or would like one of these prompts in a fic let me know the number or letter or both in a request (feel free to use more than one) and I (if your request fits the guidelines) will write it at some point. If you are requesting you don’t have to use a prompt but feel free too. :)

please also look at my do’s and don’ts before requesting :)

DIALOGUE PROMPTS

1. “honey i know you really don’t want to but can you please take your medicine?”

2. “give me that, did you even look at the right dose before you started chugging cold medicine love?”

3. “if you can walk from here to there you can come with.”

4. “dont speak honey i can tell it hurts.”

5. “love you act like a child when your sick”

6. “honey no your not gross, you cant help being sick sweetheart.”

7. “no honey it happens i don’t blame you please don’t cry my sweet.”

8. “what are you doing out of bed my love?”

9. “look at me, hold my hands. breathe with me love your ok.”

10. “do you think you can eat something or will you be sick again my love?”

11. “honey you must be boiling from the inside out here come to bed and let me look at that fever of yours.”

12. “love we need to check your temperature again. i know i know you hate it.”

13. “your looking a bit pale love are you feeling alright, come here.”

14. “let me feel your forehead, no buts, come here.”

15. “this cant be new, love how long have you felt sick?”

16. “i don’t like the sound of that cough, let me hear your breathing my sweet.”

17. “no. you need to be in bed now come here ill carry you back.”

18. “can you walk?”

19. “is it your head?”

20. “if this happens again I’m taking you to the sickbay.”

21. “ready your obviously not capable of walking I’m going to carry you. ready? one two three up!.”

22. “slow sips my love or you’ll be sick again?”

23. “have you taken anything for it?”

24. “come on babe just a nibble its all I’m asking you need to eat something.”

25. “oh love you must feel awful.”

26. “let me see that right now, how did you even do this?”

27. “that sounds like a nasty cold, do you need anything?”

28. “honey you cant come with you can barely walk.”

29. “here put this over your eyes and sleep.”

30. “i got you a cold wash cloth and some pain medicine to help.”

31. “aww love come here.”

32. “is that the grim reaper?”

33. “did you get your period love.”

34. “its ok we can get the blood out.”

35. “honey can you come with me, your bleeding through your shorts.”

36. “come have a bath and i’ll get you something for the cramps.”

37. “oh love its that time of the month isn’t it sweets.”

38. “its ok, a little period blood wont kill me.”

39. “honey the boys haven’t noticed yet but the blood on your suit isn’t from the mission, aunt flo came.”

40. “Love we need to get you changed.”

41. “Um I think im gonna-“

42. “I’ll admit im not feeling so hot.”

43. “Honey you’ve lost your colour sweets you very pale.”

44. “Honey we need to get you checked out”

45. “It’s alright love I know you didn’t mean to.”

46. “Its ok you’ll be alright. Im right here.”

47. “I need you to tell me if your going to be sick again.”

48. “That doesn’t sound good.”

49. “Don’t lie to me I know somethings wrong.”

50. “How about you tell me the truth this time.”

51. “If the next thing you say is a lie I will leave you here by yourself.”

52. “Sweets you feel like a furnace I need you to let me check your temp.”

53. “Please let me look after you.”

54. “At this rate your going to collapse.”

55. “Stop running yourself into the ground.”

56. “I’ll always be here to pick up the pieces. Always.”

57. “One hug then you need to let me get up so i can look after you.”

58. “Darling come here, you clearly need cuddles.”

59. “I don’t care if your sick nothing will stop me hugging you love.”

60. “If you don’t come back to bed I won’t give you cuddles for a week.”

61. “How dare you threaten my cuddles. That’s low even for you.”

Scenarios

a. spontaneous collapse

b. acts like a child when sick

c. difficult when sick

d. insists their ok

e. cant speak so uses sign language

f. suffers in silence

g. hiding illness / injury

h. throwing up in bed

i. throwing up on someone

j. throwing up on the floor

k. bleeding on sheets (period)

l. bleeding through suit / clothes (period)

m. hiding cramps

n. hiding that their on their period

o. shaking hands

p. shaking body

q. fever + sweaty

r. needs to be carried everywhere

s. needy when sick

t. wandering around confused when sick

u. confused when sick

v. waking up confused.

w. Forehead kisses

x. Nightmare

y. Fever dreams

z. Cant walk properly

AA. Broken bones

AB. forehead kisses

AC. sniffles

[classicjdiesandgoestohell]

im quite sad my best friend is going to denmark for 3 months after i get back from my month long trip. ill only see him for 2 weeks before hes gone. i rlly wish we could hang out during my college year but he'll be back in october :( im going to try and be more socially active in college now that im 18 tho. joining clubs and going to events and stuff. ive been in dual enrollment since i was 15 and always felt awkward trying to befriend these people who were older than me, but now im just a regular college student too :p i need more friends asap

on the bright side, kinda, im going to get a job bc of him. he works at a cafe that pays 20 an hour, and since hes going away for 3 months the position is opening up and im pretty much guaranteed to get it. I rlly need a job as im saving up for a 7000$ trip next year and 20$ a would be incredible

[deusexmachinawitch]

This is the post post for days 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 and 20. I was going to do 21 days of subliminals but because I’ve been sick and people have been asking me to extend this to a month or even 3 months, I might give a try on at least covering a whole month then I’ll see if I’ll extend it even more.

I’ve been mostly sick since there was a heatwave in my city and next week there’s going to be a severe weather change of cold and strong rain and storms. I’m chronically ill and while my health isn’t usually an issue, severe weather changes affect it. My defenses are really low and when someone arounds me carries something even as dumb as a cold, I get sick immediately. I feel much better but it has been hard juggling illness and work deadlines.

That being said, things haven’t been that bad. People close to me has brought me food and even my cousin came to take care of me and even did housework for me so I could rest. While this may sound like the most normal thing to anyone, in my case, this wouldn’t have been the case for me a year ago and even months ago. In my wildest dreams, I would have never imagined myself being this cared and treasured by so many people except for my SP. And when SP wasn’t around, I would be alone and miserable at bed whenever I was sick and that was very frequent.

With the discovery of the law, improving my self concept and the helpful subliminals… I don’t get as sick as often and when I do, I’m pretty much cared by others.

During this time, also people whom I thought cared about me showed their true colors and I decided to just think about myself. I was hurt on purpose and then gaslit, so I just wasn’t going to put up with that anymore. Especially because the same people have been gaslighting me for several months and disregarding my feelings towards matters that were really important to me. I decided to openly open up about this to a close circle of friends of mine and while people got really protective towards me, I told them that I could stand up for myself but I was really grateful that people finally understood my feelings and point of view when it came to things important to me such as my career path and my feelings towards SP.

While this isn’t a “cool manifestation” such as my phone and computer to possibly many people, this is a very valuable thing to me since my feelings tended to be dismissed a lot and there were a lot of people accepting me wanting SP for example but were really against him. But they finally understood that I’m aware of SP’s actions, I am not justifying the bad behavior and I can still love him while acknowledging that. Fear is one of the most scary feelings someone can have and it makes you do things that hurt you and others, he is now facing his demons and I know he’ll be back. But waiting doesn’t mean my life stops and that I’ll put up with hurtful behavior from him again if he cannot control his negative feelings. I’m in love but not pathetic.

Plus, what people doesn’t know is that I’m manifesting the best version of him. People currently think I’m lucky or that I do witchcraft and it works, it’s difficult for everyone to understand the law because of the fear of cults, the toxic positivity and wellness industry and that a lot of people are quite young in the community so they think it might be a fad. It doesn’t help that subliminals hav become famous due to the wrong reasons.

Still, it was shocking for people to hear my have an outburst and being strongly serious because I’m either too carefree or too controlled when it came to my feelings. But now, I know who’s a true friend and who’s not besides seeing who came to visit me when sick and whatnot. I don’t count the people who’re too busy with their own stuff though, I’m not that selfish.

As for my career path, somehow as soon as I voiced what I wanted to do, I am coming across tools and things that make my desires for my career path be either more easy or possible. So that’s another point for LoAss there lol.

About material things, I got many things for my new computer for free and it feels amazing. I have a new keyboard, small things to raise my screens, etc…

Still, one of the best things I’ve done with LoAss was to ask this to the law:

-I know what I feel about my SP, I’m totally sure about him. Still, I know that maybe I haven’t been as specific when it came to many things about what I want in this relationship to visualize this better. Because of my old story with parental abuse and even abuse by partners, it’s difficult to define what I would like because in the past I felt I wasn’t even given options. So, law, as a God… Show me what lies in my heart and how good in can get, turn SP into what I really want and need once you help me see better.

As soon as I did this, I came across romantic material and such that resonated with me. Also LoAss content that actually resonated with me and now I feel much calm and better. I really can feel I really shouldn’t worry. He really is with me because I’m the best.

I see the signs more intense than ever too… So I’m ready.

Still LOL how the hell am I going to explain many of the things in my life to him when we are together? I guess I’ll shroud myself in mystery, poor him.

[newyorkkiss]

135, 119, 100 :D

100: whats your most listened to playlist?

my general listening diary which i've been curating since i was 16 lol

135: what’s a music pet peeve of yours?

hm. intentional record crackling on a track. awful stuff, especially if it actually runs throughout and you can hear it. really can't stand it. there's defs other ones but that one just seems to be the one on my mind rn

119: What music did you grow up on?

putting this last bc i wnna put a post cut here cuz im just gonna go on awhile SORRY this one means a bit.

i'm putting * next to my all time albums here

for the first 13 years of my life, i would say it's 70/80s chart hits through my parents, and modern pop radio on my own. mostly the latter. the first song i ever became aware of was nelly furtado's maneater when i was 5. most of what i really did grow up around was pop radio like your generic local station shit. then my parents got cable when i was 7 which introduced me to more... curated things? i'm gonna speak in australian pay tv networks and artists here i'm sorry i hate speaking like this. but [v] (may it rest in peace for its shuttering is easily one of the worst losses i've ever experienced) was like my slow awakening to my more "alternative" tastes than the general packaged pop i'd been so used to at that point, in the way it was mostly just 2008-12 peak era (imo) triple j buzz bands and that kind of thing. artists i really remember getting into that time because of that were the presets – who'd just released apocalypso* at this point – and ladyhawke* – who had just released her self titled debut (another all timer.) very related is that modular (the label that issued these albums, and of tame impala fame) genuinely had some fucking top tier albums out in 2008, like van she's v and another all timer and pitchfork best new album in ghost colours* by cut copy. insane year for them, but back to me. i was really getting into listening to the weekly top 40 on radio around this time too. my local station was mostly syndicated programming from 2day from a certain hour. like their usual weekdaily thing was their morning show which i have never heard for some reason, then it was just local in house selected garbage that i have permanently seered into my mind now until 3 when they started the pre-record syndicated stuff like hamish and andy or kyle and jackie o. which after 5pm is when The Fucking Goods happened and you got the ill-fated hot 30 which was pretty much became a ritual thing for me when i was 9 until it was canceled when i was 11. on weekends i would listen to my beloved take 40 which i continued doing up until i was 12 and gained a proper internet connection. when i think back on this time period it it's kinda crazy how much music i was listening to and the fact it was just something i did and didn't know anybody else who was like crazy deep in music like this. but it did give me my extensive knowledge of 2000s/early 2010s popular music which i've been curating in a playlist since i was 15 that was just a comfort list turned mutant.

but the turning point in my taste came when i was 12 and got an non-poor person internet connection aka wifi, an ipad and a dream. at this point i was slowly moving away from charts and into full albums – something i never really did. one of the first albums i owned was rogue trader's here comes the drums* and that until katy perry's teenage dream were like the only albums i'd heard back to back. first album i brought in 2013 was ellie goulding's halcyon* and i pretty much burnt it to my pc and listened to it and it only for like 6 months of the year, before buying calvin harris' 18 months* on itunes when they did that u have 3 singles from this album u can buy the rest for $6 thing. by this time i was starting to get on socials and drift into fandom. one of the first ones was dan & phil who are big fans of muse and spoke about how origin of symmetry* is their fave album by them and i was like, damn i gotta check this out. from that point onwards for another like 6 months was the only album and first discogs ever sought out and listened to. through being in that fandom i started getting into music circles which happened right at the biggest turning point of my life. by mid 2014 i'd started to venture into the 2014 tumblr-core stuff; sky ferreira, vampire weekend, the strokes, grimes and twigs, and my first super hyperfixated musical act, foster the people. i was on indie twitter by this point and consumed by it and had completely stopped and refused to listen to top 40 radio which i still don't do. by 2015 i'd basically crafted my alternative taste and begun collecting vinyl. here's my top artists from my old last.fm to illustrate where i am as a 14 year old:

it pretty much stayed like this for somewhat unchanged until 2017 when i got a spotify subscription and started listening to radiohead a fair bit lol. by early 2018 i was starting to listen to fantano-core stuff and by extension got into post-punk, iceage-ajacent bands which led me to posh isolation and started my interest in noise/ambient stuff. late 2019 i started listening to the brixton windmill-ajacent bands like black midi and bc,nr and started using rateyourmusic and just discovering things over time.

im sorry that this is so long and i dont expect anybody to read this lmao 😭

[thatwhoreonthestreet]

journal entries

10/20/22 A letter to ...   10/24/22 The unknown

10/29/22 Happiness     10/30/22 Return

11/1/22 Him again        11/3/22 Lost

11/5/22 Heartbreak      11/8/22 Mexico

11/9/22 A new day       11/10/22 Better

11/11/22 Getting there 11/12/22 A little closer

11/13/22 Almost          11/14/22 Just about there

11/15/22 Setbacks       11/27/22 A bad habit    

12/3/22 The part no-one talks about    12/3/22 Sorry Evelyn

12/18/22 Catching up    12/20/22 When will I learn

12/24/22 Its time           12/28/22 A new start  

1/1/23 Funny start         1/2/23 I’m okay

1/3/23 New year, new me?   1/4/23 I’m okay

1/5/23 They come back        1/6/23 Lonely nights

1/7/23 Waiting                   1/9/23 The other woman 

1/10/23 Back to normal      1//11/23 Bored

1/12/23 A reminder           1/14/23 Can I have a kiss

1/15/23 ...                       1/18/23 Ill always be there

1/21/23 I hate men           1/22/23 Ill be okay

1/23/23 I miss you          1/26/23 Its harder than it seems 

2/2/23 Happier than ever     2/7/23 I went back

2/13/23 I do it to myself  2/18/23 When is enough, enough

2/19/23  Sorry Evelyn      2/26/23 A reminder to self 

3/5/23 Why I go back     3/7/23 Why I have to let go

3/8/323 Friendly reminder  3/10/23 Helpless

3/12/23 Come back please   3/18/23 A new me 

3/25/23 Needed me           3/26/23 Im ready

3/29/23 Finding distractions 4/1/23 ...

4/4/23 Silly girl       4/5/23 It was about time       

4/8/23 Ill always be there       4/11/23 Accepting

4/12/23   It was me       4/13/23    Looking back at it

4/15/23 Bad memories    4/16/23   The boy next door

4/20/23 I can’t help it       4/21/22 Needs

4/22/23 Pure lust      4/23/23 Loose ends 

4/26/23 Impulsiveness   4/27/23 Its time 

4/28/23 All about me    4/29/23 Theres more to life

4/30/23 Sweet dreams    5/4/23 Special moments 

5/8/23 The climax      5/10/23 Happy sad moments 

5/13/23 Love hungry     5/20/23 What now

5/21/23 Daddy issues    5/23/23 Lost boy

5/24/23 Deep & passionate    5/27/23 0 to 360 and back

6/2/23 unwanted opinions      6/3/23 Timing 

6/7/23 Facing fears        6/10/23 He's actually gone 

6/11/23 Dear ...           6/14/23 Come back 

6/17/23 Por las noches      6/18/23 I wonder 

6/19/23 No regrets     6/26/23 False Illusion 

6/30/23 How are you?   7/1/23 12 months 

7/3/23 Another year     7/5/23 My second home 

7/6/23 Thank you for leaving     7/7/23 Everywhere I go

7/16/23 Thank you

[saiyanprincessswanie]

It's been a hell of a year for you, darling! So, please answer any or all of the following, if you would?

End of the year Asks

Song of the year?

Album of the year?

Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

Movie of the year?

TV show of the year?

Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you?

Favorite actor of the year?

Game of the year?

Best month for you this year?

Something that made you cry this year?

Something you want to do again next year?

Talk about a new friend you made this year

How was your birthday this year?

Favorite book you read this year?

What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?

Post a picture from the beginning of the year

Post a picture from the end of the year

A memorable meal this year?

What’re you excited about for next year?

What’s something you learned this year?

What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?

Favorite place you visited this year?

If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one

1-3 I haven’t listened to anything new. I love rock music (mostly 80s)

4. Where the Crawdads Sing

5. House of the Dragon

6. Idk

7. Chris Evans

8. N/A

9. April Or December

10. Pacemaker surgery (had it twice and was painful)

11. Live life to the fullest

12. I have met some amazing people on tumblr

13. It was great

14. The Gray Man

15. Idk

16. I don’t post pics on here

17.no pics sorry

18. My chicken dish I make when it’s cold outside

19. I’m ready to survive more surgeries and hopefully get back to gym

20. No matter how hard life tries to kick you down you get right back up and smile. I refuse to let my illnesses control my happiness

21. Nothing is new I’m just boring lol

22. Didn’t travel

23.don’t let the surgeries stress you out. You’re strong and will make it

24. None this year

25. Didn’t create a new one

[bbboar]

@boogerwookiesugarcookie asked me to answer ALL of the end of year asks so here we go! Thanks Naja!

Going to put it under a readmore bcs long

1.Song of the year? Dream Girl Evil by Florence and the Machine So nice of Miss Florence to make a song thats not only a bop but also specifically the theme song for my oc Hydrangea

2.Album of the year? I don't listen to many full albums but for me it would have to be a tie between Give me the Future by Bastille and Impera by Ghost 3.Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year? Ghost 4.Movie of the year? Everything Everywhere All At Once! Like i don't even need to think about it. Unlike anything ive ever seen, so interesting and heartwearming. Excellent performances and costuming 5.TV show of the year? Oh man this one is touh bcs i had 3 shows ive been obsessed with this year…. Our Flag Means Death, Severance or Interview with the Vampire 6.Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you? Not defined the year but the best ep of anything ive seen this year was the the season finale ep of Severance. It was so excellent at keeping up the tension for the entirety of the ep. I was pacing and yelling and restless for the full length of it. Just amazing storytelling of everything coming to a head and the editing...my god!!!

7.Favorite actor of the year? I don't care that much about actors to have a fave of the year 8.Game of the year? I was a teenage exocolonist. Just finished my 4rth playthrough and i think i may have 2 more in me bc i want to see different outcomes/choices 9.Best month for you this year? Idk they sorta all blend into one? But December is when i have 2 weeks off work and also the weather is beautiful and sunny so im going to say that and not think about it too much.

10.Something that made you cry this year? A friend was never available to see me despite my multiple attempts to meet up and even though i didnt mind for a lot of it, eventually it started hurting my feelings. 11.Something you want to do again next year? Go on a mini vacation. I took a week off work to visit friends in Tasmania and i think i would be nice to visit some other place next year as well. 12.Talk about a new friend you made this year? I think we'd chatted a little on twitter and also possibly met irl once? But anyway yeah i formally met and befiended the partner of a friend and we rly got along! 13.How was your birthday this year? I went to this super expensive viking themed restaurant ive wanted to go to since 2019! Food, drinks, service, all excellent. I was dressed to the nines in my sequin dress and after i went for a little night walk around the city. It was gr8! 14.Favorite book you read this year? A nobleman's guide to scandals and shipwrecks by Mackenzi Lee. The Montague siblings series is such easy reading for me so i had a fun time! 15.What’s a bad habit you picked up this year? Forgetting to take my acne medication but i also took steps to prevent that so were good now 16.Post a picture from the beginning of the year Actually the first pic i took in 2022

17.Post a picture from the end of the year

Food from yesterday (27/12/22)

18.A memorable meal this year? Oh i already mentioned my birthday dinner so instead ill mention the brunch i made for my friends when i visited them in Tasmania.I was going to make eggs, bacon, homemade flatbread and some other stuff but my time management was off and it took me sooo long to make everything.In the end it was more like a lunch than brunch^^; But everyone was so patient with me and in the end the food was yummy and everyone liked it and we played dnd and had a great time :) 19.What’re you excited about for next year? Going to be getting a new phone and also....idk i havent made any big plans but i look forward to the little moments of joy and indulgence that will come. 20.What’s something you learned this year? Im sure theres life stuff i learned but what im psyched about is learning how to make scones. Its so freakin easy!!! 21.What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year? After living here for about a year,i decided to finally put shit up on the walls of my room.Paintings and fairy lights and i plan on having a little colection of magpie prints too.It rly lifted my mood and brightened up the space. 22.Favorite place you visited this year? Oh man i was just stoked to visit Tasmania and see friends! I need to travel more bcs i love seeing new places. 23.If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be? Do not catastrophise when someone upsets you. Just sleep on it and then act. People sometimes are stupid and thoughtless,not secretly malicious. 24.Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions? I usually have a few and some years i end up completing them, other years i dont. This year my only resolution is to comment on people's art more. Thats fucken it. 25.Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one. Many actually bcs aside from various ocs, i run some trp games where i make 10+ npcs for. I guess one would be Winnie an npc i made for a game who i put so little thought in. Like i needed a character to fullfill a certain role so i recycled an old oc design and gave her like 2 personalty traits. Then though as we played, we all ended up liking her way more than id planned so anyway now she's in the queue to be an upcoming pc for a dnd campaign (with a slight redesign)

[ahopkins1965]

Psalm 66:18 Iniquities Inside of Our Hearts





If I have iniquity and sin in my heart, God will not hear me.  This is the truth because God does not like for Man to wrath.  In James 1:20 says for the unrighteousness of Man does not produce the righteousness of God.  I will admit that God is not happy whenever we are depressed.

  I want to say that I suffer from Schizoid Affective Disorder and schizophrenia.  I have been diagnosed with a mental illness since Tuesday July 15, 1997.  I was admitted to the hospital for one week.  I started taking medicine for my behavior problems.  I also will admit that it has taken me 12 years to forgive my ex-wife for cheating on me.  I had resentments very bad. 



 I know that I am not supposed to dwell on the past.  It is that she has made me so angry that I had to seek refuge in another State in the United States of America just to preserve my sanity.  This is the reason why I don't argue with anyone else anymore in life.  Lord God Almighty God I am very sorry for my sins.  I am repenting right now for all of the wrongs that I have done in the past and present time.





Lord God, Almighty God I am very sorry for harboring a lot of anger for Almost 50 years.  I know that I am not perfect, but I tell the truth about myself and my behavior.  I would like to release all of my anger in a constructive manner.  Please Lord God, help me to speak with everyone with common sense. 



 I will admit that I have a lot of health problems right now.  I am taking 15 pills for my mental illness problem.  Lord God, I am calling you to let you know that I am very sorry for using someone else's work as my own.  I'm asking for your forgiveness Lord God.  I am going to release the Information for therapy next week.  I have helped other people who are suffering from substance abuse and mental illness problems.  Lord God, it is time for me to do your work inside of a Church in my hometown of Dayton Ohio.  I will let the Pastor know that I will be volunteering my service at Fort McKinley United Methodist Church in Dayton Ohio.  I also need to get admitted into a Treatment Center for Prescription Drug Abuse. 

 

 I need to get admitted into an inpatient treatment facility for six months.  My dental work looks like a Jack lantern.  I have to go to travel to Charlotte NC and resolve some Financial Issues.  Lord God, please teach me how to help others.



I want to inform all of you that God’s Love is real.  I know that I have my faults.  I want to inform all of you that there are so much that I want to accomplish in my life right now.  I know that I am still young.  It is that I have a whole lot of writing to do within the next few months.  I realize that God has not heard my prayers because I was living in sin.

 

 

 

 My heart was filled with rage and anger.  It is my fault because I one point in my life, God did not listen to my prayers.  I know right now that God is a serious God.  I feel that I have come a very long way in my life because I know right now that God is watching me.  God is watching all of us.

 

Finally, I want to say to everyone that God will not hear your prayers because of sin that is inside of your heart.  If you are bearing iniquity inside of your heart, God will not hear your prayers.  God is taking all of us very seriously.  God is an awesome God.  Please take God’s Word very seriously.  I understand Him right now.