#I am just genuinely expressing my feelings

[lialuvsaven]

Pairing: Aventurine x reader

Tw: none, he's just skittish but that's understandable. Might have grammatical mistakes but English isn't my first language so whatever. The « » words are supposed to be the avgin dialect okok that's all

"Will you teach me how to speak the Avgin dialect?"

Aventurine nearly splutters out the sip of wine he was about to drink, and you observe as his whole body subtly jerks — trying to figure out if he misheard you or not.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

And yet, the only expression he sees on your face is a little smile, a hint of curiosity and optimism in those lovely eyes of yours. For some reason, he can't find it in him to appreciate that look this time.

"And why is that?" The tone of his voice is reserved, calculated, and for a millisecond, you are reminded of your job: meetings, negotiations and transaction. The air suddenly feels thicker, and although he maintains his usual smile, there's a subtle shift that suggests it may not be as genuine as it was moments ago.

"Because I….want to understand you?" You naively respond, unaware of the warnings you're triggering in his head, unaware of the amount of bells ringing in his ears. The red alarms flashing in front of his eyes are bright, and they blind him to everything else, drowning out your silhouette until he can't make out your face as a familiar one.

All he's seeing is red, red of a warning bell, red of sunset and endings, red of blood and—

"I'm not sure why you even thought that would be a good idea" a small chuckle leaves his mouth, and he shifts a little on the couch in an attempt to regain his belongings.

"After all, I don't even speak it anymore— a dead language is not something you'd benefit from learning."

"But I am a linguist" You counter, huffing a bit. "I wouldn't think a language is “less beneficial” just because it's dead. Besides, Sigonian isn't a dead language, and neither is the Avgin dialect. You are here, and you speak it."

Blink.

"What?" Aventurine grows defensive, and he shifts in his seat again; only a little. It's not okay to let others know of your discomfort, you cannot show your weaknesses. Luckily, you don't notice, and he continues carefully.

"I don't speak it— what are you saying? How could I possibly use that language?"

He picks his sentences with caution, leaving half of it up in the air for you to interpret. He can't bring himself to finish it— he can't use it when everyone else who spoke of it is presumably dead. That would only result in another restless night of futile attempts at subduing the void in his heart. Just because he knows it, doesn't mean he likes to think of it.

Aventurine does not like to remember the fact that he's the only one left of the Avgins, even though the cosmos is merciless in its reminders.

"You do speak it!!" You insist, and look into his eyes, and his eyes almost make you forget the rest of your sentence. "—You say things under your breath. When things go south, or when your catcakes do something super adorable and you can't hold a grin on your face. I've seen you multiple times, talking to yourself in an unfamiliar language. It is your mother tongue, is it not?"

Ah.

The words that escape your lips are curling into itself, flickering through the corners of his mind. I've seen you multiple times. Multiple times. Multiple times. Talking to yourself. To yourself. To yourself.

His mother tongue.

Oh, how he wishes he could talk to someone else, how he longs to talk to another Avgin in his mother tongue— in their mother tongue.

"Do I do that?" He inquires, and you affirm, still wearing a smile. Both of you have been smiling at each other, but only one of you is clawing through the walls of their mind trying their best not to leave the room right this moment. You're not an adversary, he reminds himself. You're not an enemy.

"I can't teach you that." He stares in an unusually cold tone, sending shivers down your spine. A tone Aventurine reserves for when a business deal has gone wry, for when he needs to put on his best performance and come back at the top. Unfortunately, this means there's no room for you to argue, no negotiations, no nothing.

You realize a bit too late that you've made him uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry" Apologies keep flowing from your mouth, but Aventurine can barely hear them. All he knows is the warning bells in his ears are growing fainter, and you are once more becoming recognizable, the blur in your face diminishing by the second.

"It's okay," he laughs softly, ruffling your hair to dispel the gloom on your face.

"I don't remember much anyway- I can't teach you anything meaningful, you know? I think Tanti or any of the likes would do much better for your next research material than my native language. We have a reputation across the cosmos anyway, that language can't be intriguing to people."

"Huh?" You tilt your head in confusion, "I'm not going to write a paper on it though???"

"Then what did you want to learn it for?"

"Did you not hear me? I said I wanted to get to know you better."

The feeling of discomfort is back with that, and Aventurine finds himself trying to figure out how to come up with a valid excuse to end the conversation. If he isn't careful, you'll catch on. And if you catch on, you'll keep insisting on trying to understand him, to mend your mistakes and to avoid something similar in future. Then, he'd simply have to cut you off before you go too far. And he'd rather not cut you off and keep you by his side. Yes please, thanks.

You speak once more, but this time you avert your gaze from his eyes and focus on the soft carpet beneath your feet. "If you're not comfortable teaching me, I won't insist. I apologize if I overstepped. I want you to know that my intentions were not malicious. I simply wanted to learn your language so that we could converse in it, and I'm open to sharing my own language with you if you're interested."

Ah. You've now started to speak with more formal and eloquent words than usual, a habit Aventurine has picked up on thanks to observing you for so many years. You always do that when nervous, along with averting eye contact- and you're now anxious.

"it's okay," he reassures you again. "I know what you mean. So no need to worry, hm?"

His words seem to have given you a confidence boost, because your next words catch him off guard again.

"Also, I found your language to be quite beautiful."

"....Beautiful?"

"Yes," you gesture with your hands as you continue, "it's very melodious, you know? I'm familiar with the Sigonian language, as it was one of the languages I studied during my major. However, the Avgin dialect sounds... different. Of course, you're a very quiet mumbler—obviously— and I couldn't understand much- but I've realized that the Avgin is not only is not only significantly different from standard Sigonian, but it also has a much sweeter sound. As a linguist, it's disheartening to think that this sweetness has gone unnoticed by the world."

The initial panic has completely dissipated for Aventurine, replaced by a sadness even he can't place what for. He has half a mind to laugh, and tell you that his people were sweet too, but no one cared for that either. He wants to say of course it sounded sweeter, the standard Sigonian had always been dry and lacking the warmth, any Avgin would agree with you. And yet, he dares not let the dam loose.

Instead of voicing his thoughts, he decides to observe you, as the ringing in his ears has now completely silenced. The you in front of his eyes is meek, likely because you've assumed you overstepped and made him upset. He hates seeing that expression on you: truly, especially when you shouldn't have to feel that guilt. He knows you well enough to know you're not lying, and for a split second— he entertains the idea of sharing the sweetness of his language with you, to have someone else who can understand his tongue.

He decides it's not an entirely uncomfortable thought.

It has been a few weeks since he agreed to teach you the Avgin dialect, and he still finds it surprising that he made that decision. Everything related to the Avgins and their culture is dear to him, including his people, his family, and of course, kakavasha; he protects them with all of his being. However, for some reason, he has chosen to share this delicate and intimate part of himself with you. After all, he is the last known surviving Avgin—this is more than personal; it's his mother tongue, for goodness' sake!

You've proven yourself to be a very very dedicated student, absorbing every piece of information he imparts like a sponge. Aventurine is unsure of how to teach you, as he himself is losing touch with his language thanks to not speaking it for years. Because of you, he now thinks more in Avgin and realizes how much he thought he had forgotten but still remembered, and how much he thought he remembered but had forgotten.

But it's nice, to be greeted in his language whenever you two come across each other. You're still cheerful and sparkling as before, but now you can greet him in his language. «Hello, how's your day going!!!» You ask him each time, with that accent and broken words that makes you sound childish more than anything. But Aventurine could care less about that; he's quick to greet you back each time, adding a new word so you learn something from each interaction.

You've told him that he's much much more expressive whenever speaking Avgin, but he tries not to think about it.

"Manro means bread," Aventurine informs you, observing quietly as you eagerly jot it down in your notepad. "I quite like the feel of pen and paper," you told him once, and he still can't comprehend why that's preferable to typing on a screen instead.

"Mañro?" you repeat, and he has to conceal an affectionate smile at your accent. It's unfamiliar and odd, but not disliked. Never disliked.

"Manro." He corrects, and you get it down this time.

"So….«manro» means bread and you said…«pani» meant water? So let's say I wanna talk about my lunch….«I water with bread eat?» Is that how you say it?"

Aventurine purses his lips, trying to appear serious. "No, it's «I ate bread with water.» But what's with that meal choice? That can't be good for you."

You only huff in response, "hey— I'm still learning okay!! How do you say wine?"

"Mol"

"Mol— how about wanting to drink or taste?"

Aventurine raises an eyebrow, "Zumavel"

"Okok. So…. «I want to taste wine really bad. Might die.»"

Aventurine snickers at that, turning his gaze away to avoid receiving another punch from you. Despite the fact that you've opted for this inefficient learning method—since he can't provide proper grammar lessons—the sentences you're coming up with are hilarious.

"Not quite. It's «I want to drink wine so bad that I might die»" he corrects you again, and you let out an embarrassed laugh to write the correct structure down. You've promised him you'll figure out the grammatical structure and everything to him after all. And he can't say he's not hoping you actually will.

"How do you say eye?"

"Just like how you say in standard Sigonian"

"Ohhh….I've noticed that body part names are usually unchanged in the Avgin dialect. How about warmth?"

"We call it tato" he smiles at you, and your cheeks tint the faintest hue of pink as you look away.

"«Your eyes—»" you purse your lips, thinking hard to form the structure "«-Are warm right now. Very warm.»"

Aventurine's eyes widen, and for a moment he's speechless; unable to comprehend how and why. But you're blushing, and playing with the hem of your shirt, which means at the very least you aren't lying.

«I'm afraid you've become my heart» He says under his breath, the words escaping his mouth before he can even stop them. It tastes sweet in his tongue, memories of a time long gone resurfacing. He didn't even remember that saying, up until now. And now, he has a little more understanding of how sweet his mother tongue really is.

"What does that mean?" You ask him, and he merely smiles at that.

"Nothing. I just said thank you."

A/N : gah I'm sorry for that word vomit I can't stop thinking about it....like one been thinking for months about his language and what it might mean for him now that he's (presumably) the only avgin left. My mother tongue has PLENTY of dialects, and there are certain ones that are totally different from the standard (I don't understand some of those) so I kind of projected....and other than that I hope it wasn't too bad omg

[meazalykov]

the forest

salma paralluelo x orienteer!reader (request)

summary: your girlfriend tries to understand the sport you participate in

salma is a bit confused when you first invite her to watch one of your orienteering competitions live. 

she’s seen a few races on tv, but never in person, and you can tell by the way she fidgets with her hands that she’s nervous, even if she won’t admit it.

“are you sure you are not just going to get lost in the woods?” she jokes when you’re explaining how it works, but there’s a hint of genuine concern in her voice.

“i will be fine,” you laugh, kissing her before heading to the starting area. 

“i’ll see you after i win, okay?”

she watches you run off with the rest of the competitors, map and compass in hand, disappearing into the forest within seconds. and for the first time, salma realizes she has no idea what’s actually happening. 

she looks around at the other spectators, all of them more prepared than her with binoculars, and GPS trackers to follow the competitors’ progress.

“what am i even supposed to be looking at?” she mumbles to herself, squinting at the forest.

in her mind, she wished that she brought esmee or alexia with her– just for some company.

“you’re here for y/n, right?”

salma turns to see a girl standing next to her, probably in her late teens, sporting a y/n fan t-shirt. her eyes are wide and excited, and salma smiles awkwardly, hoping this girl can help.

“yeah… how’d you know?”

“well, you looked super confused. that’s usually how people are when they come to watch y/n for the first time,” the girl says, a laugh bubbling up. 

“i’m natalie, by the way. big fan of hers.”

salma’s relieved that someone knows what’s going on. 

“i’m salma. nice to meet you. so, um, can you explain what i’m supposed to be watching?”

natalie grins. “okay, so it’s orienteering, right? everyone gets a map with specific points they need to reach in a set order. those points are marked by little orange and white flags hidden in the forest. the goal is to navigate to each flag as fast as possible using just the map and a compass. no GPS or shortcuts. once they find the flag, there’s a sensor that registers their time.”

salma raises her eyebrows. “so, they’re just… running around trying to find these flags?”

“pretty much,” natalie says, shrugging. 

“but it’s way more technical than it looks. like, you have to be good at reading the map while running, keeping track of where you are, and planning the best routes to each point. that’s what makes y/n so good—she’s super fast and she barely ever makes mistakes with her navigation.”

“that sounds intense.” salma glances toward the dense trees where you disappeared, her respect for you growing with every word natalie says.

salma and you met outside of both of your sports. in fact, it was a mutual friend who set you both up at a party. 

when she found out that you did a sport too, she was happy to get familiar with it. even if it sounded confusing. 

“yeah, it’s mental,” natalie agrees, nodding. “and y/n’s one of the best. she’s won a ton of races.”

salma smiles softly, feeling proud. “i know. i’ve watched her a few times on tv, but this is my first time seeing it live.”

“oh, really? well, you’re in for a treat. she’s amazing to watch in person. plus, if she’s in the best mood, she’ll be back here at the finish in no time.”

salma watches as competitors start emerging from the forest, some sprinting toward the finish line, others clearly frustrated, taking longer routes back. 

every now and then, a beep goes off as they punch in at the last control point near the finish.

natalie’s eyes light up suddenly. “look! there she is!”

salma’s heart skips a beat as she spots you darting out from between the trees, sweat running down your face but a determined expression set in your features. 

you’re one of the fastest runners out there, navigating the final stretch like it’s second nature.

“she’s flying,” salma mutters in awe, watching as you punch your last point and sprint toward the finish line. 

within seconds, you cross it, panting and grinning widely.

natalie claps excitedly. “she did it! i think she might’ve won!”

salma’s too busy watching you catch your breath to hear the announcer confirm it, but when you glance her way, she waves excitedly, a proud smile taking over her face. 

you give her a tired thumbs-up before turning to cool down with your teammates.

“wow,” salma breathes, still trying to process the speed and skill you just showed. “that was insane.”

natalie grins at her. 

“told you she’s amazing.”

salma chuckles. 

“you really know a lot about this sport.”

“yeah, been following orienteering since i was a kid. and y/n’s one of my favorites.” 

natalie shuffles her feet, a little shy all of a sudden. 

“she’s, uh, actually the reason i started orienteering.”

“really?” salma’s eyes soften, touched by the girl’s enthusiasm. “you want to meet her?”

natalie’s jaw drops. “wait, are you serious?”

“of course! it’s the least i can do after you explained everything to me,” salma says, already walking toward you. 

natalie hesitates for a moment, then quickly follows.

you’re still cooling off when you see salma and a nervous-looking girl approaching. you smile, wiping your face with a towel.

“hey, you,” salma greets you, pulling you into a quick hug. “you were amazing out there.”

“thanks,” you mumble, catching your breath. your eyes shift to natalie, who’s staring at you in awe. 

“who’s your friend?”

“this is natalie. she’s a huge fan of yours and explained the whole race to me. i thought i’d bring her over to meet you.” salma grins, gesturing to natalie. 

natalie’s cheeks flush red as she stammers, “i-it’s such an honor to meet you, y/n. i’ve been following your career for years. you’re… you’re incredible.”

“thank you, natalie. that means a lot. and thanks for helping salma out—she probably would’ve been totally lost without you.” you chuckle softly, reaching out to pull the girl into a hug. 

“definitely,” salma adds, laughing. 

“i was ready to run into the forest myself and find out what was going on.”

natalie laughs too, the tension easing as she relaxes around you. 

“seriously, though, you were amazing today. i think you won.”

“we’ll find out soon enough, but i’m glad you got to see it live. there’s something special about being here, right?” you nod, smiling at her enthusiasm. 

“definitely,” natalie agrees, her smile wide. “and i’ll be cheering for you at every race i can.”

“same here. even if i don’t fully get it yet, i’ll always be here when i don’t have my own games.” salma wraps an arm around your waist, squeezing gently. 

you laugh softly, looking between salma and natalie.

“you two are the best.”

to whoever requested, I hope you liked this!! I tried my best to do some research before writing :D

[girls--complex]

I genuinely love your comics, your art, and your style in general. I really think the term "challenging" describes your art perfectly.

Your comics are just stories, but they have a point they're trying to make so they must have meaning, but they're undermined in the end by jokes so is it really supposed that deep?

I feel like I can see part of you through your art. Maybe it's who you are, maybe how you think, or maybe it's just how you want others to think. I'm not quite sure yet.

But in the end, what I'm saying is that your art inspires contemplation, which I think is the strongest skill an artist can have.

thank you tumblr user pk smoky

More than express my opinions I'm trying to understand things I experience and I guess the jokes are a way to de fang the experience which is otherwise a bit bitter and absurd

The word Contemplation is important in my faith tradition and as with religion words means exactly what it means in the vernacular plus more. Like an extended, patient observationN study in which preconceptions are mortified or cast down. so I think the ability to LOL and infinite reconfiguration of stories is possible with the mortification of self seriousness. And I have to play in my safe sandbox. Of imaginary pictures to achieve this really but it's pleasurable because it's true 👍 😔

But I'm just trying to understand what the heck is going on and sinulatenojsly soothe myself and make other people contemplate it too because I am incapable of understanding and it makes me mad low key

[devflamme]

Am I Making You Feel Sick?

Summary: Agatha and Lilia having a talk about Agatha's relationship with Rio. Mother issues ensue.

Words: 888

Pairings: Agatha Harkness & Lilia Calderu, Agatha Harkness/Rio Vidal

Warnings: None. There are some headcanons here and there, like: the coven having visions of themselves since they went in the Witches' Road because of Lilia, and Agatha having anxiety. Title from Strangers by Ethel Cain.

English is not my first language / Dividers by @/cafekitsune.

Agatha looked up from where she was sitting in that big disco, noticing Lilia in front of her, holding her hands together in front of her body as she looked down at the younger witch with an analyzing, all-knowing expression. Agatha frowns and then arches an eyebrow up, looking around to find the rest of the coven – Teen was looking for anything hidden in the trial together with Alice and Jennifer, while Rio was… being herself. Looking at Agatha from the corner of the room, watching her like a hawk.

“What?” Agatha blurts out and Lilia sits beside her. Agatha frowns harder, already wanting to know what the clairvoyant had to say – and hoping it was quick, she didn’t want anymore trouble with the coven after cheating in the last trial they were in. Lilia only sighs and Agatha rolls her eyes, crossing her arms like a petulant child. Just how she looked in Lilia’s eyes. “What do you want, oldie?”

“You and the Green Witch,” Lilia starts. Agatha shivers slightly, feeling a hot sensation near the start of her neck. She reaches to touch it, noticing how hot her neck felt from the rest of her body. She could also feel the small scar tissue near her collarbones from the day Rio attacked her in her home – ‘touch’. “You both have a very complicated history, don’t you?”

“What makes you say that?” Agatha rasps out, still feeling hot on the neck like she always did when she was close to Rio or when someone even mentioned her. She did not know why she always reacted like this – she would never know. Rio makes her feel sick. “Jealous, oldie?”

Lilia only chuckles humourlessly. “Stop avoiding my question, Harkness. I’m trying to make conversation with you.”

“I do not want to have a conversation.” Agatha answers, gritting through her teeth angrily. She was feeling too many eyes on her – not a good sign – and it was making her feel extremely uneasy. She could feel Lilia’s analyzing, seeking eyes together with Rio’s jealous, crazed eyes – not a good sign.

“Is her anger towards you related to the story Jennifer told me?” Lilia asks, her voice more low since she could notice the younger’s uneasiness towards their conversation and Rio’s presence close to them. Agatha looked at her own hands and, for a second, she could see her fingertips tinted with black – corrupted with black. Agatha shakes her hands as if she was shaking water out of them. Lilia frowns. “Are you okay?”

“No. Clearly not. I probably just had one of your visions again, oldie.” Agatha mumbles and Lilia scoffs. Since they entered the Witches’ Road, every single one of the coven members had a vision of the future of themselves more than once. Having Lilia here as the Clairvoyant clearly had an effect on them – Lilia’s clairvoyance was clearly so powerful that it had affected the coven members, too. “Do I really have to answer your question? Everyone hates me enough for what I did, I don’t want to live that day again.”

“I’m not judging you now.” Lilia says. Agatha looks at the older woman, noticing how genuine her words sounded, so different from when they first talked – maybe because of Agatha’s acts towards her, but still – at her store. Agatha only stares at Lilia’s eyes. They had almost the same shimmer that Evanora’s eyes had, but Lilia’s looked softer while Evanora’s looked harsher. Angrier. “I could judge you for a lot of things, but I’m not. I want to talk with you.”

Agatha does not answer. She chokes back a sob, waiting for Lilia to make fun of her, but it never came. It was like she never noticed how Agatha was close to breaking in front of her after receiving understanding words from the person she least expected. Lilia looks away, her eyes to the front, noticing how Rio still stared at them, but her eyes were not mad, just… curious. Like she wanted to get closer and discover why Agatha was almost sobbing after having such a small conversation – if you could call it a conversation – with Lilia. Rio knew when Agatha was sad – she always knew how to distinguish Agatha’s feelings. She could mess up every single piece that was Agatha Harkness’ puzzled personality and just put it together again by memory.

“Yes,” Agatha chokes out, her voice low as a whisper. Her eyes search for Teen, looking at the boy in the other corner of the enormous room, chatting away with Jennifer as they search around. Great, he did not see this. She did not need Teen’s worried eyes on her. ”It is mostly because of what I did. She did her… own horrible things, but I was the worst.”

“What makes you say that?” Lilia questions. She wasn’t touching Agatha, but her voice felt like a caress on Agatha’s back, comforting her and giving her what she needed since she lost her mother – understanding. “You both should talk.”

“Say that to the bitch,” Agatha grits through her teeth again and Lilia gives her a reprimanding look. Agatha sighs, looking down like a petulant child, again. “Say that to her, that she needs to talk with me, without knives, and then we can get even.”

“That is not my job, Agatha. That’s yours.”

[byemambo]

Monster Next Door EP. 9: The Power of Expression - A Double Edge Sword

So it's been awhile since I posted any content of my own for MND, but this episode genuinely got me in the feels. I am curious whether or not there are lots of people tuning into the series because I feel like its promotion leans very playful and I'm sure for some, leaving very little room for there to break the confines of stereotypes surrounding MBTI and introversion/extroversion. However, like how I personally feel about We Are, both series have more underlying themes for those who can recognize its significant beneath the surface.

Disclaimer: this analysis will lean into my own personal connection with the character Diew, and I'll be highlighting themes such as loss of a loved one, neurodivergence, and other underlying themes of mental health and trauma. If that's something that could possibly be triggering/sensitive for some, I would just like to preface before y'all begin reading and be bombarded with some deep topics. Alright, everything is under the cut (extremely lengthy read)!

Diew's Childhood: Reverting Back into His Shell

For those who have tuned into the series, we understand that Diew has a hyperfixation of turtles, and we're sent back to a flashback montage to reveal more about his upbringing and family dynamic during childhood. We're also revealed more about Diew's connection with his father before he passed away, which low and behold: me and Diew share very similar stories as I've also lost my dad during childhood, which caused a lot of strain between me and my own mother just the same as Diew (for similar and different reasons in comparison). I might have not caught it trying to go back to find out the exact age Diew's father passed away, but the flashback gives us a rough estimation between his preteen-teenage years where a proper social relationship is established between the two.

When someone experiences traumatic events during critical developing years such as childhood and adolescence, many will remain rooted in those existing emotions and outsiders may view them for the "mental age" as our emotional growth becomes stunted. Because Diew had a close relationship between him and his father for all sorts of reasons that many people can relate to: having someone be your cheerleader, someone to introduce you to the world around us, someone to understand your own individualism and cater to it accordingly. However, I believe one of the biggest reasons for such a strong connection between Diew and his father is fairly simple: existing as the closest form of unconditional love.

Although the series hasn't stated it like The Rebound has, I personally believe Diew to be autistic, if not autistic, definitely someone of the neurodivergent experience. Even though the series revolves around the concept of MBTI, specifically categorizing Diew as your average introverted person navigating the world around him, I wholeheartedly believe his character is deeper than such a superficial label (which I believe is the main reason for why many might stray away from giving this series a chance). Even though I haven't been formally diagnosed with autism, I am diagnosed with ADHD as an adult while relating to various characteristics that are innate in autism, but many of these traits and experiences fall under the neurodivergent umbrella. I also think that the usage of the turtle archetype is incredibly powerful for the characterization of Diew: turtles are known by social norms as "slow," physically or mentally, "in their shell" aka shy/kept to themselves, and can be irritating to others because they're unaware of most "normal" social cues and are considerably lacking "common sense", etc.

In the opening sequence of the episode: we see the dynamic between Diew and his father, which as the episode progressed, we witness a conversation between the father and son about how books become doors to our own worlds that as I summarize: books become portals to our own worlds that make our ordinary lives extraordinary. Since the theme of the series is about next door neighbors meeting and falling in love with one another, I believe the relevance of Diew's love for books to be more significant than that: neurodivergent people tend to live in our own worlds.

In my experience which has developed into my own artistic branding: many of us live in a neurotypical world where we feel like an alien walking amongst other human beings, but we weren't given the travel guide or manual in understanding how to interact with them. Despite knowing that we're also living out the same human experience: nuance comes into play and for many, can hijack our lives for the worst. In Diew's circumstance as well as the average child: we are clean slates that deal with the concept of nature vs. nurture early on, as well as our environments playing critical roles in our personal development and how that development will in turn, affect how we interpret the world and engage with it.

Because Diew is a child who's quieter (in this case, not shy to interacting with others), this becomes a disruption in societal norms (which of course vary between culture to culture and other underlying intersectionalities based in race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc). For many neurodivergents, our engagement with the world around us breaks the pattern and mold of what society expects from each and every individual to maintain order. During childhood, most of us are our authentic versions of ourselves but hand ourselves over to the norms of society and its binaries. For many who learn from observation that their own silence and solitude is weaponized by those who adhere to the social norms, many teach themselves learned helplessness: what difference does it make if I were to speak up? It's not like anything would change because they still won't accept me for who I am.

I tend to speak in metaphors, but specific to my art background: while neurotypical society tends to interpret the world in grayscale, we tend to interpret the world in full color, as majority of us excel in pattern recognition and memory, are detail oriented, hypervigilant, and so much more. However, this experience can be overwhelming for many, which contributes to one's baseline in areas such as faulty social communication/interaction, sensory overload, mental dissonance, etc. We see this with Diew having a single close friend, wearing noise cancelling headphones to cut through sensory overload, having social anxiety during moments of being the center of attention or being asked to do things against his will and being reprimanded for honesty over "politeness."

Due to Diew's socialization and innate personality traits, his support system can act in one of two ways: acceptance or rejection/denial. Unfortunately, this is where the crossroad between his central support system begins: the desire to appease the social hierarchy of life and to come out on top, the selfishness of living life thorough the self interest of yourself or your family. To be the most recognized, the most well off, the most luxurious, the most successful, etc. For many parents that navigate the world with emotional immaturity, their priority lies in conformity over authenticity, their acceptance in changing themselves for the sake of appeasing the group. For them, nothing is more detrimental than being singled out and ridiculed/mocked: this insecurity becomes generational, this insecurity evolves into life-changing consequences such as hereditary mental health disabilities or the nurturing of one in a "normal" family. The toss up between acceptance versus denial sets itself in stone the moment moral value is assigned to one's character, when someone becomes of value based on the origin's value system.

This exchange between Diew's mother and father highlighted the moment Diew adheres to this moral belief: Diew is not like other kids. Well, what about me makes me not like other kids? In comes comparison, in comes self doubt, in comes perfectionism, in comes abnormality, in comes conflict, in comes all sorts of insecurities that take over the vulnerable: children who simply don't know any better because if mom and dad said so, it must be true, right? My parents can't be wrong about anything if it has to do with me? I am their child after all, I'm their blood, I'm the whole of two existing halves.

We have not received this context in the series, I could only put two and two together through my own lenses and what I know and experienced: the various trauma responses and coping mechanisms from each affected family member. Diew and social communication, Diew's mother and obsession with control, Diew's grandfather and undermining his physical health to maintain peace within their household. What becomes a reality check for most of us growing up as neurodivergent people: the moment we step outside of what we have been taught to believe, and finding out that we might have been wrong for most of our lives, that we've been living for all the wrong reasons. That we were living for others and not ourselves. That we cannot survive without the "care" of our loved ones: the same people who expect appraisal and worship while oppressing and undermining others in the same breath.

Intention vs. Principle: The Flaws of a Mind Reader

Although there were other moments in the previous episodes to strengthen the themes of this episode, I felt like the Phrae trip highlighted these reality checks once Diew has difficulty adjusting to God's boyfriend treatment, which is primarily acts of service. This also becomes a game of mind reading and taking away Diew's autonomy, another version of his mother and her severe control issues. The trip is another home away from home, where this behavior evolves into babying and coddling, but because the intent is out of their best wishes for Diew: damned if you do, damned if you don't becomes Diew's life motto which he slowly breaking away from after being introduced to new people in his life that showed him different experiences outside of his family and his ex boyfriend. That there are people who exist and accept him for him, that there's no reason to hide anymore.

What I appreciate throughout the scenes leading up to Diew's confrontation with God is how well Park portrays these moments of frustration and questioning God's integrity when it comes to verbal communication (his microexpressions are everything to me, saying so much with such subtlety). This is something that I have issues with as someone who describes herself as "open book," and find myself irritated whenever people are not straight forward about their intentions, or set expectations in one moment and abandon them at the drop of the hat. For us, because we tend to navigate the world with so much nuance, direct and clear communication is nonnegotiable, and if you have various mental health disabilities (I've checked into the game), the mental race to make connections and recognize the established pattern based on the evidence of prior engagements and experiences becomes instantaneous but also exhausting. But P'God had always known how to respect my boundaries...why is it changing? What made it change?

The café scene also highlighted Diew's hypervigilance, isolating the conversation between God and his friends. Because all of them tend to joke and speak with humorous undertones, social cues become incredibly difficult to decipher at times, especially with people who you haven't established expectations for communication with. Because God know his own friends but Diew does not at the same level of depth and experience, statements like these only invite more intrusive thoughts that continue to spiral as more stimuli piles on: God's friends and their lack of indoor voice in a quiet establishment, social cues pointing towards God botching the group's plans for "Diew's sake," inconsideration towards those occupying the same space and carrying themselves with entitlement, this scene stressed me out and I would have done the same as Diew in that moment. Because I'm being catered towards and everyone else is miserable because of it: I'm probably the problem then...because I'm not like other people and I'm difficult to understand and accompany. Honestly: this is why I shouldn't have come with them. I'm just burdening them.

Power of Communication: It Takes Two

This exchange not only went in the direction I was expecting it to go, but the resolve was incredibly sweet and heartwarming to me. Going back to the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" motto: what I find so special about Diew despite his superficial characteristics appearing "ungrateful" or "undeserving" to some is that his growth completely transforms the motto. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, but I'd be damned if I let this misunderstanding separate me from the person I love. What I appreciate about God on the receiving end was the navigation of this conversation and how both parties confront their innate ideologies and understanding. Diew prefaces the difficult conversation with praising God, not starting off the exchange with immediate criticism that would drive most insecure people away and tune out any revealing information afterwards. However, God allows Diew to finish his entire thought before proceeding with his response. which I anticipated as such: "I'm doing all of this for you and now you're saying you don't like any of it, so that makes me the bad guy then."

The beautiful moment that had me rooting for Diew was the confidence in standing his ground, something that we've seen develop in him as the story progresses during exchanges with people such as Jane and his mother. That he has autonomy, that he has a voice that is heard and accepted for what it is and not what it's "supposed" to be, that he can be understood because he may not be like other people, that was never the problem, which actually lies with everyone unwilling to become the person they need to be for him: that his boundaries may force you to reevaluate the way you carry yourself in this dynamic and no longer hold the power within your hands. The moment of recognizing that we become victims to the world by choice and the confinements of our own body and mind, and that the world may never truly reveal itself to those who deliberately choose ignorance over awareness: the choice of empowerment over oppression.

On the opposite side of this exchange, God goes through a revelation: the misstep in passive listening. Many people, especially those with faulty communication and emotionally perplexed, only engage in communication to hear what they want to hear. To identify within the confines of the binary: good vs. bad, like vs. dislike, yes vs. no. During the first half of the conversation of reassuring God with positive reinforcement, Diew softens the blow that will most likely arise: the potential of punishing someone else for doing a "good" thing. Insecurity feeds off of self identification, rooting itself as a core belief once someone turns that delusion into a false reality: the moment Diew says "I really don't like it" becomes that signal for confirmation bias to rush in. Win's prior qualms against him despite being in the same band, Jane antagonizing Diew while also putting God down in the process, and I'm sure so much more. If not properly dealt with and nipped at the bud: these intrusive thoughts become a breeding ground for toxicity to occur and cause a rift in the dynamic from an exchange of false words. But through his own personal development and growth: God was able to turn a not so pleasant moment into another piece of evidence that he is a safe space for Diew to unmask and keep the conversation true to himself. Rather than chasing Diew back inside his shell, he only invites Diew to continue remaining in his authentic self.

Emotional Dumping: The Arrival of Guilt and Shame

This part of the episode almost ran me over ten different times: it made me feel seen, it made me feel heard, it made me feel represented. All because I've literally had this exact same thing happen to me (and more) with my own mother, so this moment felt incredibly personal to me and understood Diew on a deeper level than most viewers might have not even considered when watching this series. When your family goes through a grief as difficult as the death of a parent, the drastic switch from a two parent household to a one parent household is absolutely devastating, especially when your children are young. Single parents if they choose to remain single stretch themselves thin, they are constantly overwhelmed with doing all they could and still unable to scratch the surface with many things, and unfortunately most of them trap themselves with egocentrism by comparing themselves to an alternative life unlived if their partner were still present. Most of them subscribe to a life filled with "debt" that requires repayment: this repayment is their kids believing in the narrative of being a burden, of being owed to repay back every little piece of ourselves to our parents, of being told that we cannot survive without their involvement (some even going as far as using the existence of their own children to support their entitlement for reparations), of simply existing to uplift their parent at the cost of their own autonomy and self worth.

"And I a bad son?" I don't think I could really describe the emotions I was experiencing when I witnessed this exchange of words, because I've had this conversation in my own life on multiple occasions verbatim. The headspace Diew occupies when it comes battling this internal struggle between being a "good" son while also expecting his mother to be a "good" mother, and the devastation that comes along with realizing that those two conditions may not actually exist. The progress Diew achieves from being someone who was intimidated by person to person interactions, someone who people benefited from his own silence and inability to confront others, someone who deep down deals with a battle of justifying his own value due to inconsistent value judgments from his core support system, brings me to tears because for many of us, myself included, deal with this level of trauma to the point where therapeutic intervention and personal accountability for debunking and redefining our core beliefs that have deeply planted themselves inside of us may be the only solution to properly negating all that we've known. That no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough, not even for my own mother.

God's response to this moment of being told such a personal matter (even if it was only the surface) honestly continues to heal parts of me little by little and living through Diew vicariously. The development of their relationship and taking the appropriate time to address various areas in their dynamic: some days will be baby steps, other days will be strides, on occasion full speed, every now and then there will be rain checks. But the one thing that will remain a constant: I'm willing to embark on this journey with you by my side.

Honorable Mention: There's No Place Like Home

Ok time to ACTUALLY go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight: thank you for those who made it down here, I bring cookies! 🍪 But on a more serious note: my ears are always open to feedback or any thoughts others might have. I appreciate MND for having this level of characterization for these two and I can't wait to see what else they'll get thrown into even better if Pee gets socked in the face by God but of course on Diew's terms. Alright good night <3

[p1xiemeat]

since the ppl i was trying to avoid have already found my new blog, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore.

my new blog is @faerymeat 🧚🏻‍♀️🎀🥩

i decided i am going to leave this blog up for all the ppl who like my edits🖤 maybe i will come back to it in the future but for now im really enjoying having a fresh blog🥰

im so sorry if u messaged me asking for my new username and i didnt reply to it.

soo many ppl asked for it which made me so happy because i had no idea how many ppl actually love my content🥺 it makes me feel a lot better knowing i have a lot more kind ppl watching my page than i had thought and i really genuinely appreciate all of you🖤

i also decided to reactivate my twitter too.

i know that no matter what i do or say someone is always gonna criticize me for it.

it doesn't matter how many new pages i make in attempt to hide from the ppl who wont leave me alone, because they always manage to track me down in a matter of days. even when i block them right after creating it -_-

so yeah, there's literally no point in trying to hide from them anymore. and i shouldnt even have to. i've already been lied about, insulted, harassed, and blocked by hundreds of ppl so what difference does it make to just keep posting what makes me happy? im just gonna be myself and let ppl believe what they want.

after the experiences i've had with internet thugs, i am forever going to have some sort of anxiety when i go online. i will always feel unsafe because of them. i have such bad paranoia when choosing whether or not to reply to a message from someone because these ppl have befriended me just to post our private conversations online or to make fun of me behind my back.

but my love and desire to create and express myself outweighs all that. some days i just can't handle being online mentally. and sometimes i wanna hurt myself knowing whats been said about me by people who will never even know me. i've tried to change myself in order to avoid harassment only to be made fun of for different things. i'm damned if i do & damned if i don't.

even though she's just a video game character, this quote by alice inspired me and made me decide to just do whatever makes me happy without letting other ppl stop me. 🖤

its always been 1 of my favorite quotes from the game, but seeing it pop up on my feed earlier helped me make this decision to just say fuck it and be myself, unapologetically 🥰

[lockedfighter]

to those who are consistently so patient with my slow butt —- i thank you from the bottom of my heart . i’m constantly worrying about my lack of replies & concerns that people will deem me as uninterested but i can honestly say , that’s not the case at all . please forgive me if i don’t respond straight away . i have a couple of threads that are two months old ( and i’m so sorry , it’s taking me so long , loves ) . i’m trying to be faster and give the very best like people give me . i noticed i was no longer mutuals with a few wonderful writers in my drafts ( & while i do feel saddened by such , i completely understand and wish you all the absolute best ! ) but it did make me worry that i’ve been a terrible writing partner and just had to apologise . i shall cherish those threads deeply and will focus on everything i can so to not keep people waiting much longer going forward .

that being said , if i follow you ; i am 100% interested in interactions ! i may not be on all the time to like everything or respond quickly to ims but trust me , i would adore being friends and writing together at some point . i am so interested in your characters and lore / the stories we can create so pls never think otherwise . and to those who do follow me , genuinely thank you so so much ! i’m so grateful to be involved in such a wonderful community . i just felt i had to come on and express my apologies / appreciation . ♡

[caralara]

I know Louis' your fave so I hope it's okay that I send you this. But recently the blinkers have been coming off for me in regards to Louis. I think I used to have him up on a bit of a pedestal. I just thought he was this really intelligent guy, really aware of social issues and willing to fight for the right thing and be rebellious when necessary. I don't know. I saw things playing out very differently. But unfortunately, lately, I've been seeing a lot of laziness and complacency and a willingness to settle from him. A lot of contradictions as well. Like he gets the anarchist symbol tattooed but doesn't speak out or place his support behind anything substantial. I'm sorry, legalizing weed is his most political stance. And then being seen with the Starbucks cup and actually covering it in the video like lmao. Not knowing what number year your festival is when he supposedly had big dreams for it. I know this is so small but it irks me that he's been going on about playing the guitar for years. And he is yet to bring it on stage for even one song! I know it comes from a place of self-doubt and insecurity no matter how confident he makes himself appear but like he just doesn't help himself. And fans exaggerating and praising every little thing he does as if he isn't just some basic white man does my head in. Sorry I word vomited on you and I know this sounds harsh but I acknowledge it comes from a bitter place where I feel like his potential is just not being met. At the end it's his life and I genuinely hope he doesn't have many regrets later on.

hi babe

I think I am completely in the same situation as you! I might not be triggered by exactly the same things but I’ve been going over and over it for the last couple days asking myself why I’m so annoyed with him right now?? And I think it really is just the disappointment finding out your fave man is after all, just a man.

Like, to me, it feels like he’s been stagnant since early 2023. right now, to me it feels like he’s just on the hunt for the cheap thrill, getting the validation in that he also can pull massive crowds of screaming girls just like he did during 1D (and it isn’t even the actual validation he’s looking for??? Like he still starts yapping every time a man validates him as if it’s so much more important??)

I feel like he lost focus, or energy, or both. You know, you said it!! You know I love Louis to death, he’s my favourite, and genuinely, I don’t blame him. It makes a lot of sense to me. He’s finally proven himself to not be a flop to all the people doubting him. He’s overcome all the obstacles, did LTWT and had massive success with it, way beyond anyone expected, rode that wave, made a second album that proved he’s not a one hit wonder either, an album he actually enjoyed making, and proved his fans liked it, too. And then… it just kind of stagnated. His team made mistakes and miscalculations. Announcing Asia tour so short notice thinking, then cancelling bc it didn’t sell out, handling the announcements horribly, not realising LTWT was massive bc of all the pent up excitement and desire throughout years of a pandemic, the magnetism of it being the first solo world tour. They also didn’t get it when it came to Milano Summer fest vs. AFHF. The 35k sold out bc it was announced many months in advance and it was the last LTWT show - that’s meaningful to fans. It was easily accessible. You can’t translate just the numbers to „it’s bc he’s popular in Italy,“ there’s so many factors at play they ignored, and therefore AFHF Italy only sold 2/3 of tickets, and a lot of these people didn’t even show up (couldn’t, I better say).

For me, FITF felt like he had checked out a little. He’s plateauing. The excitement and irresistible draw he has is largely due to his resilience, his underdog persona he created that allows normal people to identify with him. And there just wasn’t any… growth since early 2023. He‘s also alienated a large part of his fandom with the bbg pushes, and as you know, I still believe it was all part of the bigger plan to end it, but it does feel like he gave up, got comfortable. And it’s not that I blame him for it necessarily?? Like all he’s been through? It makes a lot of sense to me that now he’s achieved all the things people told him he wouldn’t be able to achieve, that now the burn out sets in, that now, the driving energy of spite and wanting to prove himself has run out.

I feel like the jokes of “oh I’m a pothead I can’t remember if it’s the third or fourth edition of my super duper important close to my heart festival project” or “oh yeah sometimes I forget I’m an actual parent and have a kid” are getting old. Like, it doesn’t serve him anymore it feels like? To me it feels like the weed was a coping mechanism that helped him get through hard times, and that’s completely valid, but now it looks like to me it’s holding him back, blurring his genius.

I’m sorry for the rant back to you. I’m deeply upset because Louis is my escape, my happy place, fandom is my comfort, and I feel like it’s slipping through my fingers because it causes me more upset than happiness at this point. The amount of “kill yourself” messages I have gotten over criticising louis for announcing AFHF so short notice is frankly INSANE. Do people not talk to other people in real life?? How do the people around these people that send those messages deal with them in real life?? It’s so upsetting to see how many people feel comfortable typing out these kind of messages and sending them.

I do hope this feeling of mine calms down, and I can go back to just glorifying louis and have him as my comfort place, because I do not like the thoughts I have and the way it makes me feel.

[ewwww-what]

Nobody is as excited about the preview as I am. I have paragraphs.

[bunnyboy-juice]

NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???

[mercymaker]

i spent quite a bit of time thinking, considering my options and wondering if i should even respond to the 'apology' to begin with, but i feel like i've been here before, in this exact same position (i didn't respond to his original 'apology' because it felt off how he omitted the fact that he pretended to be the victim for a whole week, but even then i decided to not say anything and just let the dust settle and give him a chance to learn and do better) and doing nothing eventually just caused more harm. even if i can't reach the other side and find common understanding, i wanted to at least express what's been on my mind for such a long time.

i always try to approach people and situations with understanding and try to assume ignorance instead of malice when someone says or does something i consider questionable or wrong. but i also know we all have our limits. we are all human. and you can't take the heart out of the equation.

one thing in this 'apology' that really stood out to me was this:

how is it not malice to completely disregard another creator, hell, another person and their wishes and feelings when they have made it very clear that your actions are causing them harm?

how is it not malice to outright lie and misrepresent other people and situations in order to portray yourself in a better light?

how is it not malice to disrespect the people you've stolen from and then, after they (by your own words!) rightfully address it and try to bring your actions to light, you then turn around and vilify them to your friends and followers? portray them as bullies and gatekeepers?

all while repeating again and again how the whole experience made you stop creating? as if your actions didn't force people out of this space, this fandom? have you ever sat down to think how the person that made you a 40 minute video tutorial on gif making, the person that taught you so much, no longer makes anything at all because you turned your back on her and copied her sets? kept doing it after she blocked you? after she made text posts expressing how upsetting your behaviour was? you didn't care and kept doing it anyway. even saying things like 'i always credit where credit is due' in response to copying numerous sets from @minthara, down to the caption without ever crediting her.

and if that wasn't enough harm, you then took it a notch further and straight up lied to the people around you, trying to vilify petra and i by saying how the whole thing should've been dealt with in private. how is it not malice to omit the fact that I DID, in fact, reach out to you privately. that i did it in a civil manner. that i tried to explain to you how your actions were wrong and were rightfully upsetting other creators. how you ignored everything i've said and when i expressed that your response (or lack of it) made me uncomfortable and that because of it i couldn't give you permission to 'recreate' (copy) my work, you then insulted me and told me that it didn't matter what i wanted? that you would do as you please and there was nothing i could do about it? how you then immediately blocked me so i couldn't even respond? how is that not malice?

and then this was from your apology back in march:

and you insist that after this 'apology' you've learnt and were never doing anything wrong again and yet you are saying the same thing again in your new 'apology'. how after the march events you went to @galedekarios anyway, asking for permission, didn't wait for her response and posted your copy of her set anyway. which just makes me think that you've never learnt. it just makes it seem that asking people for permission never stemmed from a place of respect and understanding, but from the need to cover your ass in case someone brings the fact that you're still copying up. which someone did, apparently.

at the end of the day, this is my opinion and i might be wrong, but following all of your words and actions, it just seems like you chose notes and attention instead of people. that you kept lying and misrepresenting things and throwing us under the bus for your own gain. and that you only stopped because enough people eventually found out, not because you suddenly felt remorse. and this 'apology' was just another 'ask for permission from a creator', all just for optics. you couldn't even bother to unblock us before posting the 'apology' which just shows how little you were actually thinking about any of us.

[silusvesuius]

this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑

[eeblouissant]

agh agh okay … i know I’m supposed to be on a break (and I have been! And enjoying it at that) but this little moment !!!!! I needed somewhere to scream about it quick because !!!!!!!!!! Do !!!! You see!!!!!! Dorothy’s face !!!!!!!!!!!

[agentcricket-art]

happy valentine's day!!! 😘😘😘

[irrigos]

bad news: im at it again

[ajxrn-archive]

I need to be put in a waffle iron or something