#I am saying all this as someone who is probably aspec btw

[thief-with-the-teef]

I just hope that when some of you are deriding people for "sexualizing" Asta/rion that you're specifically talking about people who ignore his trauma to objectify him in moments where he's clearly uncomfortable or lacks autonomy. I shouldn't have to explain why shaming people for simply experiencing attraction to a character is not cool, but some of the posts I've seen do kind of seem to be suggesting that if you find him hot at all you're "sexualizing" him inappropriately.

[bamsara]

I'll ask, if it hasn't been already - regarding the tags on the fanfic poll:

What kinda things make you click out/give you the squick? I'm so curious 👀

rubs my hands together: could be a mix of things anywhere between character dynamics, personalities or even how the fic is formated

Btw for people who don't know what squicks are: 'Squicks' are just personal preferences that someone doesn't like. Nothing wrong with em it's just not your vibe. (Exp: Like how all my friends HATE tomatoes but I am tomato eater forever)

anyway long ramble list:

Can't read big blocks of text without breaks very well, and I dislike when characters (esp main characters that are talking in every chapter/scene) have bolded or italicized dialogue. I think it's fine for special reoccurring characters but it genuinely messes up with reading flow for me when it comes to taking in information if used too much

If I'm reading a fic specifically for a monogamous romantic paring, I don't care for the 'past lover interest reappears' trope or one of them currently has one, or the love triangle that results in one of them being like 'oh but i love them both i can't possibly choose!' *cough twilight cough* it just makes the relationship feel disgenuine and icky. zero stars. Any mention of a character's past relationship usually makes me just click out, just personally not here for that

-^^^ to go with this, big fan of the 'misunderstanding where someone thinks there's a love rivelry but the third person never had a chance.' Like to the main pairing there's only eyes for each other and that's all they care about, there's just some third person who's there and causing problems (either because someone in the pairing is jealous of the third person thinking they're gonna steal the other when it's not, or the third person thinks they're a love rival when in reality they're not even thought about) *cough Tyren cough*. I think there's a lotta comedy to have with this. Bonus points if it brings main pairing closer together

When characters have linear character development and recovery. I prefer my characters to realistically relapse and bit a little bit of a hypocrite as they develop from start of story to end. Failing and falling short and again makes the final result much more satisfying when they're healing

When characters use 'therapy speak' or otherwise react perfectly 'acceptable' to stressful situations. Again, I prefer realistic depictions of characters under stress, and work out becoming better under that stress rather than just One Big Thing Happen and suddenly they're never going to react negatively or lash out again because another character told them It Was Bad and To find Better Coping Mechanisms.

Unhappy endings. (Or open ended ones) Sorry for hurt/no comfort lovers but none of my fics will have unhappy endings. I like my stories to have people that go through absolute hell and still come out on the otherside

The ace in me doesn't care for fics where physical attraction is a large part of the ingredients that gets the pairing together. Not saying they can't admire each other when the sunlight hits them or wearing a nice outfit but just not a fan of reading about how 'sexy' a character is to another. Probably why I usually blast all my characters with the aspec beam

That's all I can think of off the top of my head but if someone had a more specific question I might be able to answer

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi Hello I am having such a crisis and have literally no clue who else to talk to so here I am! (Side-Note before I actually start: your blog is very very cool and has been such a great help to since I figured out I was aspec)

So basically I figured out I was ace a few years ago (I’m a minor btw) and then about a year later that I was aro. I have been pretty stable in my identity since and am out to my close friends (and mom but only the ace part), even rejected one of said close friends because of just that (which was really difficult because I really really really like him and did not do not want to hurt him but like I just can’t see myself having a romantic relationship with him, or anyone for that matter, at all). Anyway I met this girl at school yesterday (we only started talking today though), we’ll call her Marie for simplicity’s sake, and she’s really pretty and nice and funny and soo cool. I’m pretty sure she flirted with me and it actually felt good (all other instances of flirting by guys and gals alike have felt sooo weird ngl) yet I stellt felt that strange disconnect feeling I always get when someone flirts w me just like, quieter? I’ll probably only see her tomorrow and then not again for a long time (or maybe even forever) if I don’t actively reach out to her (she gave me her number btw) and I’d really like to be friends… now, thing is I think I have a crush???? Maybe??? I dunno???? I think I would like to be with her in theory but as soon as I imagine myself kissing Marie or even holding hands I get a cringing uncomfortable sensation… On top of that I don’t even know if she likes girls, so I might not even have a shot at all. And even if I were crushing on Marie and she liked girls and liked me I dunno if I would be able to have a relationship with because a) I suck at communicating b) I’m a nervous wreck that just randomly ghosts people for weeks on end despite wanting to text them and c) I think the guilt towards the friend who confessed to me would kill me

I’m sorry if I bothered you w this but I really needed someone to talk to and maybe you might even have some words of advice

So the number one thing to remember is that you don't have to have everything figured out right away. Based on this alone, a lot of things are possible, and things will be more clear as you gather more experiences and things progress in general. Right now it does sound like you're still repulsed at the idea of doing romantic things with Marie, it's impossible to say if that may change in the future or not unless you personally have a strong feeling about it.

Could it be a crush? Maybe? It is possible to get crushes but not want to act on them, or be too repulsed to act on them. Or to experience romantic attraction but not the full range or romantic desire to go with it. It's also possible to experience other types of attraction that isn't romantic or sexual, but if you're not aware they exist it can be easy to mistake them (squishes for example is a type of platonic crush where you want to be close or important to the person you're attracted to, and can feel a lot like a romantic crush except that it doesn't feel romantic at all).

I get where you may feel like you're on a deadline because you may not see Marie again after today, it's up to you if you want to try and stay in contact, but if you have the capacity to experience these feelings with one person, it's likely you will again (or if you don't, it's a hiccup and you don't have to worry about it). So whatever choices you make, you will figure things out eventually.

Try not to feel guilty if you want to explore your feelings here even though you turned your friend down. It hurts to reject people, but it's always the right choice if you don't feel like you can reciprocate how they want, and it's the kindest choice in the long run. But that doesn't bar you from exploring your feelings or even trying a relationship at some point in the future if you ever end up wanting to, you will still have done the right thing turning down someone you didn't feel right entering a relationship with. These things are complicated.

Hopefully this is helpful, but if you want to dig into something more or have more questions, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

[aroaessidhe]

I mean, I do see where you’re coming from with the blurb thing, especially with how that poll was worded, but the majority of people I see actually complaining about the phenomenon are talking specifically about the ways books are recommended. Again I agree with you that I prefer it’s mentioned somewhere because I like to know (though sometimes being surprised by it in a book where I didn’t expect it is a delight), but if someone lists a bunch of books only by what kind of rep it has I won’t go personally googling every single book on the list simply because it’s gay, because my time is limited and there are some genres I won’t be interested in no matter what, so I prefer rec lists that as a minimum includes the genre, preferably also tone and basic plot (is it a mystery? a romance?). Not sending this to try and argue with you, just hoping to clarify where a lot of people are coming from!

I get that, but it's still a big ol overexaggeration imo! Most of the time when people are doing brief bullet point rec lists it is in the context of an age range/genre, or some other more specific element anyway? and if it includes the cover (which most do) you also will have a genre/age/tone indication (aside from the occasional book with a cover that badly communicates content).

like every time I see anything remotely like this it is always either a) "lesbian mystery books:" [showing just the cover of 10+ books] intending a broad selection to just pique someone's interest, and communicate the fact that these books have lesbian MCs to people who may not have been aware of that (and btw adding a sentence or two on every single one is a LOT of effort, especially in video format - and the op probably ALSO does longform reviews of individual books) or b) "check out this aroace YA fantasy!" <- minimial wordcount which includes genre/tone as briefly as it does any 'rep'

and then you have c) which is like a teenager who discovered a book that reflects their experience for the first time and they're excitedly talking about it just in the context of that element, which if you're mad about.......okay. (or sometimes you'll see a list of 'queer books' and it is the most random broad combination of genres, tones, age ranges - which is very clearly just someone new to reading queer books the only things they've read and enjoyed so far. those make me giggle a little.)

I often see books like 10 times on social media of just the cover and basic info that's used in all promo & am vaguely interested but don't see anything about it that might stand out. And then will see ONE post of '"books with the 'older grumpy person accidentally adopting an orphan' trope" and am like OKAY i'm intrigued - that is the purpose of these sorts of posts! telling you MORE than what the basic age/genre/plot/tone is! (and yes in the context of identity too, I can know about a book for months before finding out it has aspec characters and I run a database dedicated to that)

There are people that talk about books badly and clumsily everywhere, in every form of communication (tweets, GR reviews, tiktoks, whatever). I absolutely see reviews and stuff ppl say about books all the time where I am like OOF why are you only mentioning x without the context that it's only a tiny part of the book, or without mentioning some other significant thing.

But the idea that people are only ever saying 'heres x book, it's gay!' and never talking about anything else or doing any reviews is just not as common as people claim and shows no understanding of the wider context of the book community or the function of different ways of discussing or promoting books!!

[authoratmidnight]

🌻

I really wanna yell about how gosh dang queer Mairuma is and just how, casual it is about all of this so I am.

warning for some mild manga spoilers (tho they’re mostly out of context so)

Like, the last thing I expected from a comedy series about a boy becoming the grandson of a demon after being sold to him was, well, it to be really fucking queer.

Like I joke that Azz is a massive Iruma simp (which he is) but like, he looks at him with doe eyed admiration and longing, he just looks so in love (for godsakes his safeword to pull him from a self induced Wicked Phase is Iruma’s name!) He got the big gay dokis for Iruma it’s so not even subtle.

And even if you want to argue it’s just admiration, we DO have canon instances of not straight romantic feelings on page. Gyari is straight up in love with Kuromu and even stated a desire to marry her (and the only person who was like ‘but you’re both girls?’ was the lone human). And then that arc ended with an ACTUAL HONEST TO GOD LOVE CONFESSION! And it seems like those affections were being accepted (ymmv but I got a ‘I know and understand, now prove it by winning my heart’ sort of vibe).

Also the fact that Gyari jumped right to ‘well I have TWO hands so, what if I just married both’ as the solution to her problem (that Kuromu was gonna marry Irumi, Gyrai was like ‘well I can just, marry both of them! problem solved!) has me wondering if poly relationships are not unheard of or that weird.

Love is love as she said.

And there’s Poro and Delkira. Like, Poro is very much, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a gay man. And super in love with Delkira, the demon king. and from the scenes we saw of them they were close (so it’s not like this was just him, like, pining from afar or imagining things not there) and their interactions seemed really affectionate and loving, so to me it does seem like Delkira did return those affections. Whether or not Delkira is was only ever attracted to him/men we have NO idea so I can’t say for certain that he was gay, but he sure as fuck wasn’t straight lol Side note I really love those scenes cause they’re just so tender.

wAIT I almost forgot Eiko, she got big dokis for Iruma after he saved her at the start of the school year. And then proceeded to get the same reaction later on after Ameli saved her ass so like. She hella bi/pan.

And if you want messy queer folk then you could make a hella strong argument for Kirio being big gay too.

And then there’s gender/gender presentation

people need to stop making fucking trap comments i s2g

Opera-san is literally some flavour of nonbinary or agender-they’ve never been referred to w/ gendered pronouns, only ever neutral ones or by name, are physically androgynous and even wore a combination boys-girls uniform while in school. Heck the author herself refuses to answer the question as to what Opera’s gender is.

In fact it seems like not having one is just as normal, even common, as having one given that ‘other’ was even an option on the character creation screen we saw on a video game so like.

And I made that whole post about Lindy and the devidol games and how his tail didn’t raise any eyebrows at all, which leads me, personally, to believe that transness is another thing that’s just accepted. Like I firmly believe a character could be like ‘hey btw I’m a girl/boy now’ and everyone would probably just be happy for them. It hasn’t come up but like, given everything else it just feels, right.

Even the crossdressing seems to be handled, decently for the most part, I feel. It’s not like ‘ha ha ha a man in a dress’ even tho is a comedy series (or at least like, not in a demeaning, derogatory way, and in fact every time someone’s crossdressed they’ve looked, really good). It was more, everything else that was funny (like w/ the devidol games arc the funny came from the fact that Iruma didn’t tell a single person what he was doing so everyone had to find out by seeing him dolled up on TV! And their reactions, those were what was funny.)

the fandom on the other hand needs a good smacking smh

Honestly I think Nishi is just very bold for realizing she can put her boys in cute dresses and then doing just that. Good for her.

And while a bit more, my interpretation of things, Kalego really feels like he’s some flavour of aspec (arospec mainly, but lbr any aspec would fit him I feel). Which I, as someone who’s aspec (and likes Kalego), quite enjoy.

It just, comes up so casually, so naturally in the narrative, and no one ever makes any sort of deal over it cause it’s just, a thing that’s part of their society. 

It’s just, such a nice surprise and kinda refreshing.

tl;dr Mairimashita! Iruma-kun/Welcome to Demon School! Iruma-kun is surprisingly very queer on multiple fronts.

[kamorth]

I just had a thought while watching old and new music videos by an artist I was an obsessive 14 year old about in the late 90s. It's 4 am on a Wednesday, I'm in a lot of pain, and I am therefore very very baked right now. This is what 4 am social media access is for, right?

I've seen a lot of those posts about how it's hard to pick what era music is from these days and how we have 20+ year old movie franchises still going strong and how that makes everything feel like it's new the first time we personally encounter it (even when we subsequently find out that everyone else has been over it for almost a decade already) and how all of that makes it hard for Millennials to really feel the passage of time properly or whatever. It contributes to how we all feel like adulthood just hasn't really hit yet. I like those posts.

So I'm singing along with this guy who swanned into the spotlight about 25ish years ago in black wet-look pleather pants and jewel-toned satin shirts knee-high New Rock boots and suddenly a new song comes on, one from his solo stuff that I've listened to but never watched videos for, and he's looking only slightly older than the previous (25 year old) video but his fashion sense has drastically shifted. He's now in an ordinary red t-shirt with some generic graphic on it and loose fitting basic blue jeans.

I look at the upload date and it's only from a couple of years ago. The dude was in his late 40s in the "new" video. When I go back and watch again, I can see it. I mean, he looks young for his age, but not that much. I just didn't look hard enough past the clothes and general demeanor to see it the first time around.

When my grandmother turned 60, she changed her wardrobe completely. She told me that proper ladies did that every 20 years, to make sure they were dressing appropriately for their age. I asked how often men should do the same and she said "any man who needs a razor should no longer have shorts in his wardrobe, and no father should ever leave the house without a tie" which I guess was her way of saying "I'm from a different generation and don't understand the question". I do remember her utter disgust at seeing jeans in my dad's wardrobe though, and the way she berated my brother once for not having "proper shoes" for going to the mall when he was wearing sneakers.

It feels like older generations have (had?) this idea of how fashion worked at various ages and life stages that just doesn't exist anymore. When I was a kid, you could tell who was probably a grandparent or a parent or not married yet in the supermarket just based on what they were wearing.

But now...

With advertising and media constantly bombarding us with images and stories that tell us over and over that only beautiful is valuable and only young is beautiful, there's really no specific fashion outside of "Young and Hot" and "Barely More Than Functional Because Other People Need To Be Not Naked I Guess". Even kids' clothes spent a few years skating scarily close to "Young and Hot but Smaller" for a while there.

Outside the clubs and even more in a world that includes this version of the COVID virus, it seems like everyone wears t-shirts (which is the equivalent of our generation's great great great grandkids running around in bras btw, something I think is fantastic) and jeans, including the richest of the rich, no matter what age they are. I know a woman who bought Levis and Nikes for her 14 month old! Working clothes, cheap and durable fabrics, and simple designs aren't just for the working class any more, now they're high fashion!

So you can't really tell someone's age by what they're wearing any more than you can tell the age of a song by the audio quality, and that seems to be a fairly new thing.

Now I don't say any of this as a criticism, not in the slightest. The Levis and Nikes for the 14 month old might be a bit of a stupid waste of a lot of money Jane, but outside of that there's nothing to really criticize about this aspect of fashion. Hard wearing, long lasting every day clothes made out of natural fabrics that never really go out of style - what is there not to love about that?

I just wonder how much this has contributed to the whole "Millennials are the Generation that Can't Let Go of Childhood" perception.

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[yeswevegotavideo]

(Found this in my drafts and thought I'd clean it up and actually post it lol. I'm not saying anything no one’s said before (and probably better), but I only started seriously thinking that I might be aspec a year or so ago, so this stuff's still pretty new for me, and I wanna talk about it!)

While I was investigating asexuality, and especially gray-asexuality, and trying to figure myself out (a job which is not remotely done btw), something clicked for me. My definition of "hot" or even of "attractive" seems to be wildly different than most people's, and I didn’t realize it until I started considering the possibility that I might be ace.

tl;dr: When I use the word, "attractive” I’ve never considered it to be synonymous with “person I want to have/might enjoy having sex with” and the fact that most people apparently do is utterly mind-blowing to me. I feel like one of those people who accidentally discover that they’re aphantasiac while reading a Reddit thread about imagination.

After the Cut: in-depth discussion of sex-favorable asexuality and sexual behavior, including the OP's thoughts on her own relationship to sex. Not particularly graphic, but sex-averse folks might want to give it a miss. Also, a long post.

I’ve looked at someone and thought, “Wow, they are hot (meaning, to me, pretty/handsome/otherwise aesthetically pleasing.)” Or, “Wow, I’d like to get to know/date them.” Or, “Wow, I’d like to snuggle with them.” Even, sometimes, “Wow, I’d like to kiss them.”

But I can basically count the number of times I’ve looked at another human being in a non-sexual situation, stranger or otherwise, and become sexually aroused or thought about sex non-deliberately on one hand. In nearly 40 years. (And probably TMI, but one of those times was literally while having sex with the person. Like, in the middle of the act I looked at them and got more aroused from the sight of them and it was novel and surprising and I almost stopped because I didn’t know what to do. And even then I’m still not entirely sure it wasn’t the circumstances I was reacting to, rather than the person.)

For most of my life, I didn’t understand the nuance between “aesthetically pleasing”, “someone I’d like to be romantically close to (snuggling, hand holding, non-sexual intimate touches like tracing skin or a massage)”, and “hot”. I honestly assumed they all meant the same thing. When I say I find someone attractive or hot, I mean they are pleasing to my eye, or I enjoy their personality, or they look like they give good hugs, or I want to spend time with them, or even that I get physically excited (heart racing, butterflies, etc) or imagine being romantically intimate with them when I look at them...but I basically never mean I get sexually excited or want sex at the sight or thought of them. Because I just...don’t.

I am very sex-favorable (a term I was delighted to discover, because it suits me quite well). I enjoy sex, I think it’s fun, I think it can be bonding (but certainly doesn’t have to be), I enjoy experiencing it with people I like or love. And sexual situations can be arousing to me (I like porn & erotica, for example. I mean I’d better, I write it, lol). But sex and attraction are separate entities for me, and the sight or presence of another person, even one I find attractive, does nothing for my sexual arousal or interest level. At all. The idea that I would automatically want to sleep with someone (or even be open to it) just because I find them attractive is bizarre to me.

And finding out that feeling sexual arousal/desire or thinking about having sex is often what other people mean when they say someone is hot is...eye-opening and a bit unsettling, honestly.  If that’s what people typically mean when they say they find other people attractive (and according to my allosexual, if decidedly hypersexual, husband, it’s certainly what he means), how do allosexual people like, function?

Because really, the few times that it has happened to me, it was extremely intense and overwhelming, and I don’t even know that I enjoyed the experience. I mostly just felt bad because I was trying really hard not to stare and had a difficult time thinking straight. 

I literally thought that people were exaggerating/being hyperbolic when they talked about seeing a hot person as like, a personal problem for them, or a distraction that prevents them from getting stuff done, derails their whole day. Did not have any idea that was an actual, real experience people had on a regular, perhaps even daily basis. Am still trying to figure out how I feel about that. I thought trying to be around someone I had a crush on was bad enough in that department, but trying to imagine experiencing that level of “cannot person” every time I see (or maybe even think about!) an attractive person is...whoa.

This starts to bleed into the whole, “I didn’t realize that other people really mean it when they say out loud that they wanted to fuck someone, and thought it was just the hyperbolic thing you say when you have a crush on someone” thing, and the ways in which that influenced my introduction to sexual interactions, but that’s honestly an entire post on its own lol

[groundramon]

I don’t really know how to word this without immediately knowing that tumblr could accuse me of a fuckton of different buzzwords, but I’m going to try to anyways - and hopefully if any hyper-woke people find me, they’ll tell me how I should better word myself in the future instead of immediately calling me an abuse apologist or some shit.

But anyways, here’s a hot take - people of minority groups can be abusers.  Sometimes, they can abuse people for their minority status.  Sometimes, people lie about sexual assault.  Sometimes, people use their mental health or identity or race or whatever as an excuse for being a despicable human being.  How do I know?  Because I’ve had it happen to me, over and over and over.

I am: a trans, LGBT+, mentally disabled + ill, DFAB person.  I am also: a white, able-bodied fuckboy who lives in California, one of the most progressive states in the country, even in its conservative areas.  I am on both sides of the spectrum, and the times when I see minority statuses being abused are usually from the groups that I’m a minority of.

For example, I was harassed (and arguably sexually abused, however because I couldn’t find those comments that could’ve made him face legal consequences for all he’s done, I struggle to say that this is the case - additionally, I was never his target, just my art) by an autistic man online when I was younger.  It’s the reason why I can’t interact with the HT/TY/D fandom and why I won’t be seeing the third movie (keep in mind this happened right before the second movie, and I went to see that one because it legitimately interested me - this one seems heterosexual AND reminds me of my abuser’s dragon OC, which he guilt tripped me into drawing for him as his form of porn).  He ruined an entire franchise for me because he harassed me so badly.  He guilt tripped me in about how hard it was being autistic (and threw in some comments about how teens think they have it “so hard with their anxiety and depression” when “they really have no idea”, to a teenager struggling with identifying anxiety and depression - i didn’t believe that bullcrap but I did fall for his autism sob story) and convinced me to do art trades with him which were just redraws of my own stuff, and he’d repeatedly spam me and yell at me and guilt trip me to finish his work if I so much as read his note without responding.  He drained my motivation for DeviantArt along with my love of a franchise.  This man was also a serial harasser/spammer, he did this to MANY people, including other minors.  I wasn’t a specific target - honestly, I think I was pretty low on his priority list, considering he only tried to come back a few times.  The kicker?  I’m pretty sure I’m autistic, even though I had no idea back then.  At least, I sure do have a lot of symptoms of autism now that I look back.

Not good enough for you?  Okay.  How about the fact that a relative of mine tried to convince my aunt that she (my aunt, not the relative) was sexually abused by my paternal grandfather as a child, sending my aunt into a mental breakdown because she couldn’t remember anything like that and had no idea?  My aunt is the weak link in our family, she’s adopted and felt othered for it, and lived away from the rest of our family for a long time.  She recently started getting involved and just happened to be attacked by a known financial and mental abuser in our extended family right when she started getting back involved.  I’m thankful that my dad and my uncles were able to help her get a better picture of her father.  Keep in mind that I don’t have a positive image of my paternal grandfather, because he smoked and gave my dad + uncle health problems due to it - and I personally consider that an accidental form of child abuse, in a way.  But he was NOT a fucking incestual pedophile.  It infuriated me to hear that, despite never meeting him, and having a negative overall impression of him.

How about another?  My step-step-grandmother (long story) has accused my deceased uncle of being a money-hungry monster and stealing all of her rightful money after his father/her husband died.  We’re in a court case to get the inheritance we deserve from her now, but she only ever brought this up AFTER he passed away.  When informed about his dead, she bitched about how he made her loose money, and how she was struggling despite using up all of my mom’s inheritance (from her step-father AND her mother).  Because you know, that’s what you do when someone dies.  My uncle was the only uncle on my mom’s side to make it to my birthdays, his family gave my mom and I a place to stay when we ended up stranded down south due to a bad head injury my dad got (also long story) and we didn’t have time to make it back home and we didn’t want to just leave my dad there.  My uncle was probably the nicest, kindest family member I had.  His funeral was the first funeral I went to, and there were TONS of people.  He was a Christian man who lived by true Christian values, and plenty of people testified this at his funeral.  People I’d never even met before.  This old woman accused him of stealing her money (where did it go?? his wife is fucking broke now that he’s gone!), never caring enough to visit her, ect.  This old woman, who never even responded to my birthday invitations let alone came, who never made any attempt to make a mutual outreach to us.  She expected us to do all the work, and when we decided it wasn’t worth her ignoring and rejecting, we stopped.  And then she accused us of abandoning her.  This is an old woman, but she’s still an evil person - or an evil person who is now just a shell of evil, unable to even remember a time when she didn’t believe these lies that she told herself.

And don’t get me started on how this applies to ace discourse.  Heaven forbid I compare the ace/aro experience to another LGBT experience!  It’s only okay if I compare it to the straight experience (which i do btw, because i KNOW we benefit from homophobia unless we’re also sga) even though it has 99% more in common with the LGBP experience than the straight experience.  This isn’t an inclusionist vs exclusionist thing - this is just COMPARISONS.  It’s like saying murkrow looks like a crow - like yeah, no shit sherlock!! doesn’t mean murkrow is just the same as a real life fucking crow!!!  And god, haven forbid you talk about real aphobia and how it affects real aspec people.  Immediately every allo in the area will jump on you about how that’s just misogyny and rape culture and blah blah blah.  Then what about when it happens to men?  What about when it happens to nonbinary people?  What about when it has literally nothing to do with gender or being forced to have sex, and is just a constant feeling of being othered and excluded?  Forgotten and not believed?  Constantly doubted that your experience is real?  And then to be told that the very bigotry you suffered was just a part of a bigger issue, instead of specifically about a part of your identity....bullshit.  There IS overlap in certain social issues.  Race affects how homophobia and transphobia affects a person deeply.  Same with misogyny and race.  So of course there’s overlap.  But to say that aphobia doesn’t exist, I’m sorry - I don’t say this lightly, but that’s unconscious gaslighting. (there is no better term than that - believe me, I looked.  My point is that I don’t believe it’s intentional, but LGBP people, trans or not - you NEED to stop doing this.  You ARE unconciously gaslighting aces and aros.  This is not anecdotal, there are statistics and you refuse to believe them, despite pointing at just as credible statistics to prove your own points.  You say we can’t use anecdotal evidence, but then go on to use it yourself.  Intentional or not, you need to quit it.)

I really don’t want to talk about how race and this stuff intertwine because I really don’t have any experience with that as a white person.  All I know is that groups of POC can be bigoted towards other groups of POC, and they can even be bigoted towards people of their own race.

Which leads me to the most important part of this post: The fact that minorities can abuse majority groups, even if its on the basis of their minority group, does NOT mean that minority groups are not oppressed.

Just because a few women lie about being raped, doesn’t mean that all women who say they were raped are lying.  Just because an autistic person abused me, doesn’t mean that all autistic/mentally disabled people and mentally ill people are scary.  Just because aphobia is real doesn’t mean that non-SGA aces and aros don’t benefit from homophobia to a certain degree.  Just because homophobia kills doesn’t mean that aphobia isn’t just as real.  Just because the LGBT community has a habit of gaslighting victims of aphobia doesn’t mean that the LGBT community oppresses the aspec community.  Just because POC can discriminate against or even hold systemic power over another POC doesn’t mean that they aren’t both oppressed by white people.

Abuse is not oppression.  Oppression is a repeated, prolonged offense of cruel and unjust control.  None of my anecdotals “prove” that oppression for these groups isn’t real.  Because I’m part of these groups, and it’s my opinion that it IS real.  But my anecdotals are also still valid.  It is not problematic to point out when someone uses their minority status to abuse and manipulate others.  It is not problematic to call bigoted, cruel mentally disabled people problematic for being manipulative and abusive.  Their disability is not an excuse.  Their identity is not an excuse.  Their experience may be a reason, but not an excuse.  But neither is your experience.  Let people talk about their individual experiences AND the wider issues of oppression as a whole.  They don’t have to be opposite faces of the same coin, and it’s sad that we act like they do.

[mars-ipan]

ok real quick? i never understood why people are exclusionists. why are you against neopronouns, aspec people, trans folks in general, bi/pan/poly/omni people, etc.? so what if it “proves homophobes right?” they’re gonna commit hate crimes regardless of what we do unless we crack down on it. whatever we do isn’t gonna have an effect on them. why do you care about the pronouns another person uses, particularly neopronouns? yeah they can be tough to learn, i understand, but if you need help you can just look up websites to practice or better yet, ask the person using those pronouns and they’ll gladly help??

why are people deciding if other people are “trans enough?” your being trans isn’t my business, and their being trans isn’t yours, either. and yes, some people transition and regret it. but that doesn’t mean being trans needs these big rules, it just means we need to stop encouraging immediate transition but instead encourage healthy gender exploration. like, i wondered if i was a demigirl due to the slight disconnect i feel from gender as a whole. you know what i did? i researched, and tried she/they pronouns. and while i learned that no, i am definitely a female and nothing more, i also learned a lot about being nonbinary, which helped me be a better ally. why? because i was around people who taught me how to healthily experiment. let’s do that? please? also like. don’t misgender people even if you doubt their transness. if you misgender someone intentionally fuck you. nothing else to be said about it. don’t do things terfs do, guys. you’re not protecting trans folk, you’re harming your own people.

why do people think aspec people are bad?? what did they do???? they’re just vibing who gives a shit if they don’t need sex or romance, or if they have to know someone well to want it. as a pan person and also a romantic person, good on them! that shit is tiring and confusing and if they don’t need it then cool! they have extra time to spend not worrying about it, and from what i’ve seen a lot of them spend that time cooking. that’s great! leave aspec people alone they’re literally just making food. you sound like you got rejected and just never stopped being salty. that puts you on par with a cishet dude who hates lesbians because one he’s attracted to won’t make an exception for him. shut the fuck up. oh and aspec people aren’t prudes. they just don’t feel attraction. this isn’t to say aspec people can’t have a high sex drive! attraction (or lack thereof) and horny do not have to be the same that’s not how things work. oh and stop saying they’re inhuman or broken or some shit. no they’re fucking not. plenty of people who feel attraction don’t want kids, and guess what? this isn’t fucking caveman times. we don’t really need everyone to directly pass on their lineage or really want to. gay couples do these things called adoption or surrogation if they want kids. ace people can do that too. wow. who knew. stop being an asshole and Let Aspecs Vibe.

on a similar note, bi/pan/poly/omni folk! what the hell did we do?????? we’re “hetero passing????” what even is that???? hey dumbasses everyone is hetero passing if they’re not in a relationship because we live in a world where people expect each other to be heterosexual. sometimes even people in Clear Homosexual Relationships get asked if they’re siblings or some shit. i’ve seen women post about their homo marriages and get comments like “awww besties! having your wedding on the same day as your best friend is such goals!” a lot of people have horrible gaydars (also that erases straight trans people who are btw lgbt it is in the name). we’re not gonna cheat on you or leave you. this one confuses me. how do you think we see people??? as food?? we don’t like. get sick of something and decide to switch over to something else. our whole thing is that generally we don’t really give a shit about your gender???? like it’s not really a factor? some of us have differing standards for different genders but like. overall it’s not that important?? so why do you think we’d get “tired of vagina” or “miss dick” or some shit??? that feels vaguely transphobic. why is it always about sex?? which leads me to my next question. how the hell did “you want attention/you’re a whore” become a thing???? bitch what??? say you’re a gay dude. do you want to fuck literally every man you see? “no, of course not?” huh, funny, since you seem to think that’s how attraction works. we still have fucking standards, same as almost everyone else. and even if we didn’t, then what? who gives a shit? it’s 2020 man why are we still slutshaming? some people are horny stop fucking caring. oh and also stop pitting bi/pan/poly/omni people against each other!!! what the hell!!! why is that a thing??? we should be loving each other guys!! everyone has their own definitions of labels and reasons why they use them. pan people, stop calling all bi people transphobes. they’re not. bi people, stop calling all pan people biphobic (but also bisexual at the same time??? ig they think it’s internalized?). we’re not. and let’s not erase polysexual (not to be confused with polyamourous) or omnisexual people. they’re here too and they are just as valid as us. we should be filled with solidarity and appreciation for each other, not hate and spite. there’s not a competition to be the one sole label that means “i’m interested in multiple genders,” literally just pick what you’re comfy with and respect other people. sorry this one is longer i just have more experience dealing with shit like this

in conclusion, why the fuck are our own people attacking us??? i can understand if the word “queer” is a trigger word for some seeing as it is used as a slur, so with that one we literally just let people use it if they want to and don’t force it on anyone who doesn’t want to. bam problem solved. however, why are trans people who don’t fit a perfect mold a problem? why are aspecs a problem? why are bi/poly/pan/omni people a problem? what the fuck? every group i’ve talked about has been here since day one, by the way. we aren’t new. if you’re an exclusionist i want you to please not interact with me, i’m tired and just as my points probably didn’t change your mind, your points will not change mine. dear god can we please just let people be stop giving a shit a label is something we use to feel comfortable go away

TL;DR: stop fighting each other and instead respect each other. we’re a family and we should love each other. also exclusionists don’t interact

cishets can totally reblog this btw! just don’t clown please and thank you