#I am so stressed about work and personal stuff so I’m compensating by focusing on Starstruck again

[disastergoose]

it’s murphin time

[weirdmageddon]

my rheumatologist has done more for me towards getting a POTS diagnosis than my cardiologist thats kinda sad bro

i came in to the cardiologist the other day (finally after waiting MONTHS) hoping for a tilt table test to see how my heart rate and blood pressure react to orthostasis in a controlled setting. the doctor didnt actually do a thing to test me for it in-office, i was just told to schedule an echo (which is fine), holster (alright) and stress test (why). but i was also prescribed eastern medicine as a treatment....“superbrain yoga”? like i dont want to seem closeminded because she is an indian doctor and there are some things that western medicine hasn’t caught on to but i realy wish i was told why it is supposed to work. like i want to know physiologically how and why it supposedly works. get technical and mechanical with me bro i have le autism, thats my language if you wanna really convince me. if it’s about toning up the muscles in my legs to squeeze the blood into my core upon standing why dont i just do squats? why do i have to do all this really specific stuff like hold my tongue at the roof of my mouth and face east, crossing my arms (right arm must go over left) and maneuver my hands in a certain way to grab my earlobes while doing those squats? is that merely a concentration sort of thing to make your brain focus? if so, why not just let me know what the purpose to these specific movements are (and what does focusing my brain have to do with treating POTS symptoms anyway)?? i’m not a spiritual person so the spiritual aspects of it do nothing for me. but at least i wasn’t given intensive aerobic exercise because i cant do that lol. i was just prescribed core strength training with planks and crunches (fine with me) and “superbrain yoga” (the specifics still confuse me but i’m doing it anyway)

but i didnt even get a tilt table test while i was there, i asked about it and she said “we stopped doing tilt table tests a while ago” and i was like ????????? thats like the gold standard to test for POTS my guy. based on just my symptoms she said i had dysautonomia and i asked “what about POTS?” and she said “it could be” and i was like ? could be? bro you didnt even test for it?

the whole visit just felt really vague and dismissive to my issues (yet again). fucking even my rheumatologist said before this visit to the cardiologist that i “probably have POTS”

so when i left the cardiologist the other day i wrote this up because i was very upset, felt dismissed, and took matters into my own hands to show what kind of medical concepts i’m capable of comprehending and the kind of language i want doctors to talk to me about my conditions in. and today i read it to my rheumatologist during today’s appointment:

the cardiologist says i have dysautonomia, “caused by dysfunction of the small blood vessels”. in the clinic, the nurse measured my laying vs standing blood pressure (which increased rather than decreased) but they didn’t do my heart rate there for some reason. but on my own i’ve measured my heart rate to jump above 30 bpm within 10 minutes of standing, so with all the symptoms lining up exactly with what’s expected of POTS (heart rate increase greater than 30 bpm within 10 minutes of standing, no drop in blood pressure, lightheadedness, brain fog, palpitations, prolonged fatigue, heat intolerance, excessive sweating etc), i’m convinced that the type of dysautonomia i specifically have is POTS, not just the umbrella term “dysautonomia”, and the specific brand of POTS i have is the neuropathic POTS subtype which is thought to be caused by sympathetic denervation (partial autonomic neuropathy) in the lower extremities. this causes the blood vessels in my legs not to constrict as they should when standing, which in turn causes blood to pool in the legs and not return to the heart, causing the heart to have to source its blood supply from elsewhere in the meantime to compensate (with an overall lower venous return), driving up the heart rate and causing lightheadedness. my blood tests also showed i am also very slightly anemic by 0.1 point below the normal range (11.6 g/dL) the resulting denervation hypersensitivity from the sympathetic denervation what is thought to cause erythromelalgia—which i express all the hallmark symptoms of as well in my feet (redness, increased skin temperature, burning sensation (feels like walking on a hot pool deck), cold to touch and bluish purple when not actively flaring, flaring occurs at night, symptoms worsen with exposure to heat and exercise (including walking on feet while flaring) and are relieved with cooling and elevation). i have no response to the cold unlike with what is seen in raynauds. i actually consider cold exposure my savior; the heat is my worst enemy, it makes me feel faint and lightheaded dysautonomia-wise and it makes my feet flare up rheumatologically.

“Several previous investigations have provided clues that patients with the postural tachycardia syndrome have peripheral autonomic dysfunction. Streeten et al. found that patients with orthostatic tachycardia had excessive venous pooling in the legs while standing and suggested that denervation of the legs was a mechanism of the syndrome. This hypothesis was supported by the finding of hypersensitivity to infusion of norepinephrine into the veins of the foot, despite high plasma catecholamine concentrations. [...] These stimuli increased norepinephrine spillover in the arms of both the patients with the postural tachycardia syndrome and the normal subjects, with similar increases in the two groups, but failed to increase norepinephrine spillover in the legs of the patients. [...] The reduced clearance of norepinephrine in the legs, without a similar reduction in the arms, may result from impairment of norepinephrine-reuptake mechanisms due to isolated damage to nerve terminals in the legs. [...] CONCLUSIONS: The neuropathic postural tachycardia syndrome results from partial sympathetic denervation, especially in the legs.” — (https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJM200010053431404)

“The laser Doppler flowmetry signal after sympathetic stimulation of reflexes mediated through the central nervous system, was significantly diminished in patients with erythromelalgia as compared with healthy controls. [...] Vasoconstrictor responses involving central sympathetic reflexes were attenuated in erythromelalgia. Local neurogenic vasoconstrictor regulation, vasodilator response to local heating and hyperemic response to ischemia were maintained. [...] The finding of reduced skin perfusion before provocation is in accordance with the clinical observations that many erythromelalgia patients exhibit cold acral skin between attacks. [...] These results indicate that postganglionic sympathetic dysfunction and denervation hypersensitivity may play a pathogenetic role in primary erythromelalgia.” — (https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0022-202X(15)41629-X)

“Denervation hypersensitivity is a phenomenon peculiar to smooth muscle innervated by the general visceral efferent system. Following denervation there is increased sensitivity of the muscle to neurotransmitters. This is evident in smooth muscle innervated by sympathetic neurons when the postganglionic axon is affected. Such denervated muscle shows hypersensitivity to the application of epinephrine or to circulating epinephrine released during excitement.” — (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780721605616500198)

although my rheumatologist is in no position to give me a POTS diagnosis she very much agreed with the connections i made and said she thinks i am right on the mark with my conditions. she told me im a real academic patient and even that i’d be well suited for going into medicine lol. not only is it refreshing to have a doctor that doesn’t disregard their patient’s knowledge, but it’s good to see what i’ve learned about nerves from my biopsych classes (and in my own time for funsies) paying off in ways concerning my health. my mom who is a nurse also agrees that neuropathic POTS and erythromelalgia are what i have.

anyway the POTS symptoms have been a massive thing for me since puberty and the erythromelalgia developed a year or so after my POTS symptoms started. but i’ve always had freezing cold clammy hands and feet since i was a young child, they just hadn’t started changing colors and flaring until after i hit puberty. i’m not sure what destroyed the sympathetic nerve fibers in my legs (as most POTS happens in teenagers due to some viral illness but i’ve never had that?), i was also just tested for a bunch of autoimmune factors and disorders and my results came back negative. maybe it’s just a genetic factor, who knows, probably something caused by a hormone’s cascading effect gone awry at some point. it seems a lot of autistic afab people have POTS or some other type of dysautonomia for some reason and i’m curious as to why.

anyway i’m really stuck in a liminal space because i have no official diagnosis beyond “dysautonomia” but i’ve been sure of what it is for like over a year and it keeps getting clearer and clearer that i was right all along

[hjertetssunnegalskap1]

Hello, Tumblr people. It’s a new year and I’m having a very navel-gazing moment. Btw is navel-gazing an international expression? It basically means that I’m self-obsessed. Still, maybe my experiences can give someone else an aha-moment?

I don’t think I’ve talked a lot about it here, but I’ve been through a process these last years where I’ve learned some new things about myself. I’ve always known that I have some “struggles,” but it has taken me decades to figure out why, and how to deal with it. I mean, I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m getting there. 

I’ve had struggles with overeating, feeling depressed, anxious, unfocused and forgetful, burned out, feeling dumb and socially awkward. I’ve been quite wobbly and insecure in relationships, too. And the thing is, I have finally figured out that I have ADHD. In danger of hanging everything on one explanation, I feel like a lot clicks into place, now that I know this.

Also, the irony is, that I’m a psychologist and well over 40, and hmmm.... how didn’t I figure this out before? I could probably say a lot about that, but I suppose I went under the radar because I was a girl that did well at school. And I’ve always thought that “this is just how I am,” and that it’s about my temperament/ attatchment style/ possible trauma reactions. And I’m not saying that those factors aren’t part of "my whole package”, but they don’t erase these things: 

1. Since I was a tiny kid, I’ve always gotten this “flow” feeling whenever I’m doing something I love to do. I’m hyperfocused and can be very productive over long periods of time. When I’m like this, I forget everything else, and it can be hard to snap out of it and notice other things around me. I also can’t hear a word if you try to talk to me when I’m like this. Seriously. Not a word.

2. I am quite creative. I get a lot of ideas! Also, I like to create things, like stories, art, and stuff like that. Sometimes I get too many ideas and too little time to follow them up, though. Still, I suppose I prefer getting many ideas to not getting any.

3. I’m easily distracted, and can struggle to focus, especially on mundane tasks, but sometimes this also happens when I do stuff I love (mostly because of anxiety, because I fear to disappoint, see point 5). This is probably part of why  I forget things all the time. I try to armour myself with lists and alarms but I still forget things on a daily basis. Thank heavens that we have a code to our front door and not lock or keys.

4. Because of my interests (reading, psychology, history, stories, + +), I’ve become good at picking up what’s important in a text, or underlying messages when someone talk too me. When I’m focused, I can even be quite intuitive.  I’m especially good at connecting dots and seeing the whole picture (not so much the details). However, at other times, especially when I’m stressed, I’m bad at listening. I can also totally misread cues or not pick up details in conversations.

5. I feel a lot. On the positive side, that means I love my friends and family to pieces, and I get excited and happy about the smallest things. I empathise with others a lot. My family love how excited I get about everything, even when we’re watching a movie, or something. However, I also get easily frustrated, worried or hurt, too. Sometimes, my feelings become too much and I have picked up a ton of not-so-good strategies to handle it. Like avoidance. Smoking (not anymore, thank fuck). Escapism. Overeating. Sex. Procrastination. Luckily, I have some better strategies, too, like drawing, listening to music, talking to someone.

6. I struggle with relationships. People in my life probably don’t know how important they are to me, because I struggle to keep in touch and do stuff that maintain these relationships. I feel like I have a lot more to say about this, but I’ll have to come back to it.  

7.  Even if I see myself as fairly intelligent and with a capacity to plan and think forward, I often act impulsively. A good thing about impulsivity is the fact that I get easily enthusiastic about new things and ideas. However, I also forget about possible consequenses to my actions. I say yes to a lot of things, for instance. This is also linked to the fact that I want to be good, and I want to help others when I can. I’m also very optimistic about what I can manage to do. I just... when I get overwhelmed for some reason, I often struggle to follow through.

8. I do not multitask, although I frequently try to. Because of all of my ideas. I struggle to prioritize, choose and make desisjons, especially under stress. Too many options and/ or the thoughts of all the possible outcomes overwhelm me. 

9. Organizing. Sigh. This is a HUGE shame for me. I feel like I’ve always struggled to establish daily routines and keep a tidy home, something “everybody else” seem to manage just fine. It might be a paradox that I love to make lists, but rarely manage to follow those lists. Wait, of course, that’s quite logical. I need the outer structure, but struggle to follow it because it’s too much at once. I shouldn’t make lists that are longer than three bullet points. LOL, and here I am.

10. What is time management? I just... yeah, I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I’m a time pessimist, sometimes a time optimist. I try to compencate by setting clocks earlier etc. Also, I have this one thing I’m basically never late to, believe it or not: Appointments with my patients.

11. Which reminds me: I have some compensating strategies that take a lot of my energy. For instance, I give myself deadlines before the real deadline and sometimes that helps me get things done in time. Because I don’t want to bother people, I have a tendency to say I’m sorry for things I probably don’t need to apologise for. I am working hard to be more honest and tell people when I struggle, but my knee-jerk reaction is to say everything is fine. I try to hide it when I have forgotten something. I use self-irony so much it becomes quite self deprecating and damn, that’s a habit I struggle to quit. Well. These are some of the things I can think of. 

12. All of this can be quite tiring, and this is probably partly how I ended up getting burned out at work.  I try to see both good and bad sides to all of these things, and I think I’m starting to see that this is something I can live with. Most of it has made me feel  like a failure and a bad person and my self image is not... good. My self critical thoughts lead to anxiety, which in turn leads to more avoidance, procrastination etc. 

This is a circle I’m trying to break.

Luckily, I have also started to use medicine that helps me focus, and the meds also help me with my energy levels. Things are slowly getting better. The difference is unbelievable, to be honest, and I can’t believe how I managed without them (well, I managed on buckets of coffee and everything stimulating I could face, hah). I also have someone to talk to, now, which is very helpful. I’m slowly starting to figure out what I can manage. 

Does some of this sound familiar? Well, if so, don’t be afraid to check out what it’s all about. I’ll never regret it, that’s for sure. 

[crosbymalkin871]

The Price of Love (1/?)

CHAPTER TITLE: All It Takes is One Huge Paycheck…

RATING: M PAIRINGS/CHARACTERS: E. Malkin/S. Crosby

CHAPTER WARNINGS/KINK: Alcohol, Foul Language, mentions of Prostitution, Mario Lemieux, vague allusions to Smut

AUTHOR’S NOTE: FINALLY! AFTER FOUR-FIVE MONTHS OF NO HOCKEY, THE LACK OF MOTIVATION, AND ME ACTUALLY NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH A LOT OF STRESS, I’M FINALLY BACK!!!! Originally I wanted to post this the night of game 1, but shit happened and then I tried to post it before game 2, but y’all are getting it today! XD As a piece of compensation on my end, chapter 2 will be posted on Sunday evening. I promise, and if I don’t keep my word, bash me in the head with a hockey stick until I get a concussion.

Before you all begin reading, I just have to say thank you to everyone who has messaged me their excitement and their support throughout these difficult moments, it really means a lot. I also wish to extend my appreciation to 3 specific individuals: my friends @justinschultzy & @eafay70, and my dear Zhenya aka @cakemakethme​ (who will also be my Beta from chapter 2 or 3 onward). You three were the ones I continuously messaged updates on and your cheerleading was what ended up leading me to finishing this. So thank you very, very much! xxx

I have been wanting to write this fic for…gosh, maybe 2-3 years now and it’s finally being presented to all of you. I’m so excited for everyone to read it and to join me on this insane rollercoaster that is The Price of Love. With that all said and done I hope you all enjoy it, like and reblog, and I will (hopefully) post more sometime in the near future.

DISCLAIMER: I am not the owner of the Pittsburgh Penguins, or are associated with anyone in the NHL. I just have a very strong imagination.

A variety of noises ring out in Geno’s ears.

“Beer, over here!”

“Four sangrias for table three.”

“Vodka. Straight.”

“Whisky on the rocks.”

“Daiquiri. Make it a double.”

“Two champagne cocktails for table seven.”

Orders just keep coming and coming. He had been tossing and filling up a number of glasses and flutes for hours, sending them out left and right at the bar with almost no chance of having a small break in between. It was alright though, he grew used to it throughout his years of being one of the many favored bartenders at the Emperor Nightclub.

That, and he gets some real good money out of it, collecting all the large tips he gets whenever he cleans up the dirtied tables afterward.

With he and Tanger, his best friend and the other tender manning the bar, it feels like a marathon— albeit an easy one— to serve the feisty ladies and semi-agro men currently trying to take over the club.

The Emperor Nightclub is still up and running as the night starts to grow late. With a birthday bunch, a small group of ladies having a girl’s night, a married couple looking for a partner or two to join their bed (whether they were open or poly, Geno wasn’t sure), and college graduates dominating the patrons tonight along with the regulars— the nightclub roars as if it is New Year’s Eve in NYC instead of any other weekend in Pittsburgh.

No empty space could be seen on sight from where he was standing, with new patrons coming in the later part of the night, while the earlier patrons have made the decision to stay even after hours of partying and hollering.

Geno was given a small break as the crowd in front of the bar disperses, having been satisfied with the drinks they were given, taking whatever leftover bills he was given as a form of tip.

So far, it was a relatively good night for him.

Well…until a small, very familiar group came in, with the leader catching his eye like he usually does.

Being a bartender at a pretty famous nightclub in Pittsburgh, he sees a whole spectrum of people walking in and out of the nightclub’s doors: with some of them wanting to down tons and tons of alcohol that’ll make them black out until tomorrow afternoon, and others being on the prowl for someone to either take to their car, a nearby hotel, or even the nightclub’s bathroom.

One of them was about three or four, sometimes even more, prostitutes that are part of the latter category, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t take the time to chat with the bartenders, something that always brightened Geno’s night, especially when he was continuously swamped with drink orders…

…which is how Geno’s break ends: more people clamoring to the bar.

As of on cue, the moment that he continues to engage in dealing with patron’s drinks, the orders come rolling in even faster that he almost skipped a beat. From the corner of his eye, he could see the expression on Tanger’s face becoming more focused as his orders keep coming in with some extra flirting and touching from the patrons on his part.

He snorts at that. While Geno didn’t necessarily mind a customer or two coming up to flirt with him, he was never really interested in them, only responding back just to make their night a little bit better.

Out of all of his friends, it was Tanger that got the most attention from the patrons, with he following at a close second. It made sense because the French-Canadian looked like a supermodel. And himself? Well he wasn’t really sure if American people have a thing for foreigners like him, but he continuously gets complimented on his ability to wear a suit. So he considers that a plus.

His other friend, Dumo, tended to get third; primarily because he got a lot of attention from the college kids, either doing an insane number of shots or just randomly asking about his athletic abilities. Needless to say, it was very amusing to watch him wrack attention from the younger crowd. Though if anybody were to catch his eye, they should be aware of how damn good a cook he was.

The other two bartenders, Big Rig and Schultzy, also managed to garner themselves some attention from the patrons. Big Rig, for his height as he stood almost 7 feet tall (much taller than Geno), and Schultzy, for his happy-go-lucky personality. It was always something that made event the downiest of drinkers smile a little.

Even if he feels just a tad overwhelmed by the all of the drinks he has to quickly make, getting a glimpse of dark, curly black hair and a thick, white fur coat was enough to quell his nerves.

“You all need some additional help?”

A voice comes from Geno’s left side and it makes him jump a little (but not enough to make him mess up an order, which he has done before and has given the person who scared him a very stern talking to). He looks over to see who it was and finds Dumo standing there with his usual laid-back smile. Geno may or may not have breathed out a small sigh of relief at his arrival.

“Possibly, considering that G has been trying to catch a glimpse of Sid rather than seeing how much booze he’s pouring in.” Tanger smirks, placing at Geno teasingly.

Geno rolled his eyes and answered with a scoff. “Yeah. Like you not staring at Flower too, Tanger.” He feels a little vindication when seeing the French-Canadian man scowl in return. “But help always needed, Dumo. Things getting a bit out of hand and no one planning on going home soon.” Even though he knows he’ll get teased about it even more, his eyes couldn’t help wander off around the club, looking at all the excitement that is still going strong.

And again, seeing black curls and a white fur coat— Sid was his name— releases some of the tension in his shoulders.

“Alright then.” Dumo clapped his hands before he started to roll his sleeves of his button-up. “No one is really wanting drinks on my end of the bar, might as well waste time by giving you guys a hand.”

Neither Tanger or Geno responded to him as he already accepted his first round of orders from the loud frat boys and flighty sorority girls welcoming him, leaving the other two to tend the ones lining up at their respective corners.

Within the next minute or so, all three of them found themselves falling into a rhythm as they worked side-by-side, the drinks continuing to flow out and tips continuing to flow in. And with more patrons visiting the bar, come more even more orders and even more tips.

The extra pair of hands certainly help a lot in making the work feel a whole lot easier.

Dumo serves every patron that tries to start a conversation with him, listen to their problems in one ear while paying attention to orders in the other. He also subtly brushes off any flirty advances, but he does throw a smile here and a wink there to please all who are openly staring at him. He even does a little dance to the beat of the music as a little extra entertainment.

“Should’ve been a stripper, Dumo.” Tanger tells him as he stuffs some more bills into his pockets. “Missed the chance to be Magic Mike in Hollywood, but there’s still a chance here.”

Geno snorts as he slides a mint julep down the bar.

“Ha ha. Very funny, Tanger,” Dumo states unamused. “Can say the same about you too.”

Tanger just flips him off while Geno snorts again.

Eventually, the orders died down and the patrons scattered about. Dumo returned to the other bar on the opposite side of the room with Schultzy and Big Rig, while Tanger cleaned up any spilled alcohol left on the bar top.

Geno, meanwhile, began pouring more cocktails, glasses of wine, and laying more beer bottles onto a tray; but these were for any of the people hugging their half-full drinks, or for the tables that were littered with empty glasses and lime wedges.

No. This tray of drinks are for a certain group that he had noticed earlier.

Carefully, yet a little giddily, he manages to carry the tray single-handedly, and without spilling a single drop of liquor, all the way to a very specific table within the Emperor Nightclub.

As he walks closer and closer, the wild pacing of his heartbeat grows more and more. When he finally reaches the table, standing behind the object of his secret affections, he quietly gulps and places a gentle hand on his fur-covered shoulder.

The man stops whatever he was doing and turns around to look at him. And Geno swears he could feel his breath escaping his lungs and his rapidly-beating heart stopping.

Aside from their beautiful curly hair, the man also had the prettiest brown eyes and the biggest, most kissable lips imaginable (not that the bartender would ever admit that to him). He also had on an outfit that was not afraid to show off his…well, assets; outside of the white fur coat, he wore a white crop top with a red maple leaf on it, black leather shorts that magically fits his ass, and past those long, thick legs were a pair of black stripped high-heels that decorated his feet.

Sid smiles kindly at him, his teeth showing behind those glossed lips. “Hi, Geno.” he calls in his deep yet sweet-sounding voice. It didn’t sound flirtatious or seductive, which is normally how he talked to his clients, with the bartender, he always sounded genuine and pleasantly happy to see him serving drinks to him and his friends.

Geno nervously smiled back. “H-Hey, Sid,” he replies, silently curing himself for stammering in front of a prostitute who he may or may not have a big crush on. “Flower, Segway, Mitch,” he also greeted, who were all looking at him before he grabbed Sid’s attention. He began setting down the cocktails, wine, and beer. “Here are usual orders.”

The three other men accepted their drinks: a margarita, a beer, and a glass of white wine, respectively.

Still smiling, Sid happily accepted his cosmopolitan, plucking a strawberry off the skewer that was resting atop the martini glass. “Thanks, G,” he says before popping the mini strawberry into his mouth. “I know everyone has their favorite bartenders, but I still say you make the best cocktails.”

Hearing that from Sid (and watching him eat a simple piece of fruit) was enough to bring a blush and a dumbstruck smile to Geno’s face. “H-Heh…Thanks, Sid.”

Sid nods, eyes shining with a glint of something as he takes a sip of his cocktail.

It was a small moment or two of awkward (on the bartender’s part at least) silence before he coughed. “I, uhm, I’m best get back to work, so…bye.” With that, he quickly flees back to the bar.

(As he did so, he heard the soft giggles coming from Sid, but he failed to see him lightly admonish his friends as they smirked at the obvious crush the bartender had.)

After that little incident, Geno spent the rest of the night catering to any other patron that walked up and asked for— or sloppily demanded— drinks. Whenever he had a spare moment or two, he would glance up at table eight, watching the small group of friends chatting, laughing, and attempting to flirt with some of the other patrons that would stop by their table.

Part of Geno’s heart crumbled whenever he saw Sid respond to some of the men’s flirtatious mannerisms, whether it be throwing out seductive words, or a teasing touch, or even a tickle of breath or the faint press of lips.

He knows Sid isn’t tied down to someone. Why would he, the man was a prostitute after all. But that didn’t mean watching him act like that with others didn’t hurt.

From the moment he first met Sid, back when they were teenagers to young adults and Geno had just started working at the Emperor Nightclub, he always harbored secretly feelings for the young Canadian. He remembered the first time he ever plucked up the courage to speak to him and slide him a cocktail: one of his first attempts at a watermelon cooler, too easy of a drink to mess up on.

It was a bit strong on the booze and not fruity enough, but Sid didn’t tell him that. He just smiled and thanked him in a voice that oozed sensuality and charm, throwing in a wink for good measure. When he saw how awkwardly the bartender responded to it— by stammering and not completely picking up the subtle cue— he dropped the act, apologizing for making him feel awkward. To which Geno has to apologize as well, because he didn’t meant to make the moment awkward, he just wasn’t good at responding to someone who was cute like him.

That made Sid pause and blush, looking away from the bartender for a split second before gazing back up at him, a gentle smile on his face. This caused Geno to smile back, the both of them feeling a bit more relaxed than before. When the awkwardness of it all faded away, the two of them began to chat during the bartender’s break, or whenever he would get a breather from serving. In those small conversations, he realized that the flirty prostitute was actually…very dorky.

A dorky man who had a passion for history, craved mozzarella sticks and cheesecake, and had a strong affinity for sports just like he once did. And he had the goofiest laugh Geno had ever heard and thought it adorable. Seeing this, Sid’s true colors was what made him slowly start to fall in love.

But deep down, he knew that Sid would never feel the same about him. To him, it was fairly certain that he would get rejected upon confessing his feelings. So, in every encounter the two had after that, Geno would simply swallow his feelings and allowed Sid to flirt and be affectionate with other men that weren’t him.

They were just friends, nothing more.

(Although he can’t help but secretly wish for that to change one day).

Geno sighed sadly and began to untie his apron, ready to go into the staff room and change back into his regular clothes when Tanger tapped him on the shoulder. He looked over at him, ready to tie his apron back on, when he sees him pointing to the stairs near the back of the nightclub.

Coming down the stairs was owner Mario Lemieux.

He turned back to Tanger, brow raised. “So? He does that a lot.”

“Yeah he makes his rounds like he usually does, but does he ever personally come to us for anything? Usually it’s Jen that does it for him.” Tanger points out as they see Mario making his way over to the bar areas.

Geno hummed. He had a fair point, usually it was Jen, Mario’s personal assistant, that went and searched for them whenever he needed to have a conversation with them. In any other instance, the bartender would not hesitate to flee whenever he could, but she would usually find him in the end.

But Mario himself coming out to talk to one— or maybe all of them— was highly unusual.

It was even more unusual when he realizes that Mario coming towards him. He didn’t know whether he should run, or accept whatever was going to be handed to him.

Still tying his apron back on just in case, he meets Mario halfway: near the dance floor but not that far from the tables.

“Ah, Geno,” he says as the bartender comes up to him. “I was just coming to talk to you.”

“Need me to stay extra hours?” he asked, seconds away from letting out a tired sigh. He doesn’t like the idea of staying later than 1 or 2 AM on most days, but if the boss says so, he’ll make an exception.

“No, actually,” Mario shakes head making Geno confused. “I wanted to give you something.” He hands the bartender an envelope.

Taking it, Geno still looked confused as to what it was until he opened it, then his eyes widened in shock.

“Boss, are you— Are you serious?!” he exclaimed as he looked between the envelope in his hand, then back at Mario.

“It’s just little bonus, if you will, for being one of my best workers.”

“This more than bonus and you know it!”

Mario placated him by resting a hand on his shoulder. “As I said, you deserve it,” he reassured. “I know it’s more than what you normally make, and more than the other bonuses I give, but there’s nothing wrong with giving a little bit more to hard workers like you.”

Geno gazed back down at the envelope. Inside was a bonus check of over $10,000.

“But—”

“No buts.” Mario tells him seriously. “I mean it. You’ve been very dedicated to your work from the beginning, even if you were completely new to it. But you quickly improved over time and became a favorite amongst The Emperor’s patrons. It’s not hard to see why, Geno. So, go on, take the extra bonus. Do whatever you want with it, a gift from me to you.”

With that, he gave the bartender a pat on the back before heading back upstairs to his office.

The whole time, Geno’s eyes never left the check.

It was a large amount of money. In fact, it was double than what he normally makes for a bonus: $5000 at most, but if his boss said that he deserved it…well, who was he to deny himself a paycheck like this.

Finally, his eyes left the large sum of money, trailing back to the beautiful prostitute that was still sitting at table eight.

Maybe…maybe his chance had finally come. He may not be able to have a proper relationship with Sid, but he could at least spend one magical night with him, for however long he could make it.

He didn’t know what Sid charged for his services, but he hoped ten thousand dollars was enough to satisfy him (he was sure that it was, he was just being really nervous about confronting him).

Gulping, the bartender slowly— and anxiously— makes his way back to table eight. Along the way, he tries to remember all of the fancy restaurants that are in Pittsburgh, and there are quiet a number of them within the city and the surrounding area.

There was the Altius that has an amazing view of the city… the Monterey Bay Fish Grotto is one of the most famous restaurants… LeMont has been around for decades and is still highly regarded… most of the locals would know about the Grand Concourse… since he liked boats, one of the Gateway Clipper’s Dining Cruises would be nice…

Maybe the Hyeholde since it almost be like dining at a castle… the Carlton has a lot of national recognition… Bravo! Italian Kitchen has a good menu and they do have creme brûlée...

Or…he may just happen to like the Cheesecake Factory instead.

Before he could even make a final decision on what he was going to say, he was standing right in front of Sid (or behind, since his back was turned to him). Luckily for him, his other friends were either out on the dance floor or chatting up the other bartenders; maybe they were in the back lounges, but Geno doesn’t really care, he needed to focus on his main objective right now: gaining Sid’s attention, even if it was for one night.

Reaching a hand out, he hesitates for a split second before he decides to gently tap Sid on the shoulders.

The prostitute turned around to see who was standing behind him again, smiling when he realized who it was. “Hey, G. What’s up?” he asks curiously while he licks something sticky off his fingers.

Geno stared for a hot minute before quickly snapping out of it. “U-Uhm—!” He blushed and scratched the back of his head. “I-I want you to know that Mario gave me big bonus just now…”

Sid smiled wider at that. “That’s great, G! How much of a bonus was it? The usual 5k?”

He shook his head, looking away shyly. “No…gave me double that.”

Brown eyes widened as he exclaimed, “Wait. He gave you $10,000?!”

Geno nodded, showing him the envelop with the check in it. “Yeah, and uhm…was wondering if…” He blushed darker, still keeping his eyes away from Sid. 

The prostitute was looking at him with concern now. “If uhm…You want to spend a night with me…?”

Sid stayed silent for the longest time, staring blankly at the bartender as he processed what he just asked him. “Geno, are you— Are you asking me to…service you?”

“Yes. I mean, no! Argh!” The bartender shook his head, feeling more embarrassed and stupid now. “What I’m mean is…I take you to fancy restaurant, maybe do shopping, and…” The blush on his face grew darker. “I-If you wanted, we can go to hotel and… you serve me.”

A blush now came to the prostitute’s face. “O-Oh…”

Geno makes a flustered noise, still not looking Sid.

“I don’t— I-I don’t charge that much for a night's service, Geno,’ he tells the bartender with a shy voice. “Y-You can’t spend 10 grand on me in one night…”

“I-I’m know,” he nods. “But I’m try.”

Sid’s blush grew darker as he now looked away from the bartender. Neither one of them really knew what to say after that, the moment growing tenser and more awkward by the second.

Eventually, the prostitute was the one to speak first. “E-Even if you can’t spend all that money on me…it’d be nice to spend a night with you.”

Geno’s head snaps back to Sid, his own dark brown eyes widened at what he said. “R-Really?”

A small smile came to the prostitute’s face as he nodded. “Yeah,” he admits shyly, now looking back at the bartender. “I really do.”

He’s never admitted this to him, but he’s had a crush on Geno for a very long time now, ever since they met as teenagers in this very nightclub. He always thought the bartender would never want to be in a relationship with him because of what he does, but after hearing what he just said to him, he might actually have a chance to see if they would really work out.

“Uhm, great!” Geno exclaims with a grin.

Sid smiles a little more. “Did you have a particular restaurant in mind?”

The bartender pondered on the choices he thought about earlier before finally making a decision. “Altius?” he asks. “Is on Grandview Avenue and have good view of skyline.”

“Sounds great,” Sid nods in approval. “Maybe we could stop by the Cheesecake Factory afterwards. I haven’t had any in a long time and I’m overdue for a craving.”

“I figure you say that,” Geno chuckled. “Had that in back of mind in case you say no.”

An embarrassed giggle managed to escape the prostitute’s lips. “I guess I make my love of cheesecake very obvious, eh?”

“You do, but is okay,” Geno reassures. “I like that about you.”

Another giggle, this time, one that was more airy and a little bit giddy-sounding. “So, when did you want to do this? Tomorrow night?”

“We can do that,” he nods. “I take night off.”

“Are you Mario would allow that?” Sid raises a teasing brow at him. “I mean, he did just give you a big bonus. He may change his mind when he hears you taking a day off.”

Geno waved at him nonchalantly. “Eh. He not mind.” he tells him. “Besides, be nice to get away from club for one night. And I spending night with you, so is good reason.” He lightly smirked at him.

Sid’s blush couldn’t get any redder, but it manages to with the bartender’s words. Just then a waiter came by and served him another drink, this time, a vibrant sunrise cocktail.

He takes the drink with a nod and a slight smirk before the waiter walks away. He takes a sip before turning back to Geno, his smirk growing in seductiveness. “So,” he starts before licking his lips, a little cayenne salt sticking to them. “Will I be seeing you tomorrow night?”

The bartender gulped and managed to nod, trying to keep his dirty thoughts at bay. “Yeah…see you tomorrow night.”

[m34gs]

For that 2020 famdom ask meme: 3, 4, 5, 9.

Thanks for the ask, @kimium !

The link to the ask post is here

End of 2020 fandom asks: 3. What fandom(s) from the past did you return to? Ahahahah. Well. I have returned to the Hannibal fandom. I never really wrote or created any sort of content for it, but I very much enjoyed fan art and fanfics centered on Will and Hannibal. I did have to take a break for a bit, so I wasn’t watching it or really looking for any content on it, but I’m back and I am here to stay. Lol. 4. What show/book/movie etc. was your comfort and/or escape this year? I’d have to say Danganronpa was my comfort this year. The games are pretty fun, and it’s especially satisfying in UDG to just shoot down Monokuma’s whenever I’m stressed lol. I loved playing through the stories, it has occupied quite a lot of my time which is nice considering I haven’t been able to go many places or do many things. Also, I love playing in school and island mode and learning more about the characters that way. And every time I have a discussion with you about the games we always come up with fun ideas and headcannons for fics, so it’s great! Reading fanfictions and looking at fanart for these characters makes me happy and almost always cheers me up when I’m feeling down. (I especially love seeing your art and writing). 5. What creative work are you most proud of(your own or someone else’s)? Hehehe…well, friend…it’s yours! Most specifically, your Brawler/Hoodlum fic for Akudama Drive that you wrote for me this December as an early Christmas surprise! (for anyone who doesn’t know it, here is the link  and the fic is titled “Exhilaration (And the Bottling of It)” ) I love Brawler so much and you characterized him so well! And Hoodlum! A sweetie! I was so happy when I read this fic! And, not going to lie, I do keep tabs on it to see how it is doing…because I am so impressed by how good it is and I absolutely love it! I recommend anyone who is a fan of Akudama Drive take a look at that fic! It is such a fun fic to read and Brawler is such a fun character. I love seeing things from his point of view. :D 9. Recommend something that you really enjoyed in 2020. Well, friend, thinking of something to recommend that you and I aren’t both already into was a little tough, but I think I’ve got one. I may have mentioned this one before to you, but I really enjoyed In/Spectre. I know, I know. Some people might think it’s boring, and it truthfully is very dialogue-heavy. But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the fact that the main character is not helpless, she is not torn between what she needs to do and whether or not she can…she focuses on figuring out a way to get stuff done. There’s also the fact that she has both a prosthetic eye and a prosthetic leg. (Which is not a secret, it’s openly stated in the beginning of episode of the anime and the manga). Yet, she isn’t shown so that you would pity her for it. I really liked that she is not portrayed as helpless or that she has yet to overcome missing her leg and eye. She is shown as many people with prosthetics I have seen in real life. She may have had to make adjustments, but she has worked hard to learn how to live and keep up in a world that isn’t always geared toward helping people who don’t fit society’s definition of ‘normal’, and she isn’t about that ‘oh no she can’t do things because she is missing a leg’ bullshit. She will barge ahead, no fear. A bit of dumbass energy in that sense to be honest. Kind of reminds me of Yuusuke in YYH in that regard a little bit. But she doesn’t fixate on things like her leg and eye. She can’t have a normal life thanks to her association with the yokai, but she is ok with it because she chose that life. At the same time, she isn’t written to be some overly amazing person who has compensated to the point where she is physically above the average person because of needing those prosthetics. She is just a normal girl. Yes, there is significance to having one eye and one leg in the story, but it doesn’t give her an advantage in most situations. I am still

[alarawriting]

Inktober #5: Build

The Diwar are famed throughout the galaxy (well, to be pedantic, the general area of the Local Arm) as engineers and inventors. They are well known for the quality of their work, their scientific advancements, and the skill with which they implement theory into practical reality. (Also, their great love of beer, which has led to an unlikely friendship between the Diwar and the newest species to develop spaceflight in the Local Arm, Humans.) Their interest in engineering and creation is so great that, where Humans, Kai, Luffen and other species celebrate competitions of physical skill, the Diwar’s great planetary competition is The Great Build, an engineering competition.

Remember that the person at the bottom of the medical school graduating class is called “doctor”, and you will have some idea what the Proud-Crested Hyperpurples are like. Every competition has a large number of teams involved, and someone’s got to be on the bottom.

The Hyperpurples are the team of Fillit Province, a northern, rather chilly and rocky demesne on the homeworld which is primarily known for fishing. Yes, this is not a bad Human speculative fiction where all the people of a planet have the same professions and behave the same way. Not all Humans work in the fiction industry, not all Kai are warriors, and not all Diwar are great engineers. The people of Fillit Province are proud of their Build team, though; despite the fact that the Hyperpurples have literally come in last in the last four competitions, Fillito are loyal. After all, for a tiny fishing province without even a great university to be able to field a team at all, let alone one that even made it into The Great Build, is an amazing accomplishment. The accomplishment is not that the fisher-Diwar are great engineers in comparison to the rest of their people, but that they are engineers at all.

The problem is that the competition keeps itself from getting stale by kicking out any team that is in the bottom 10th percentile for five competitions in a row. If the Hyperpurples don’t perform better than at least ten percent of the other teams this year, they’re dead in the water. Loyal followers in their hometowns will be deeply disappointed. (Diwar are known for their passion as much as for their love of engineering. Disappointing a Diwar usually results in unpleasant consequences, such as finding that your personal conveyance has been disassembled and its parts strewn about your property.) Family members will declaim at length about the tragedy… and how members of the team who scraped and saved to leave Fillito Province to get a good education at a decent engineering school should have stayed home and caught fish for a living. Funds that were flowing into the Hyperpurples’ bank accounts from the sales of merchandise to their loyal fans will dry up.

“We could try to do something safe. Something respectable,” Irta said, nervously pulling at the feathers along the shoulder of his large-arm. There weren’t many left. Irta, like all of them, had been under a lot of stress lately. “Maybe a conveyance for a non-standard environment? Something that would work in, I don’t know, 20 g?”

“Boring!” Bakoon declared, with a wide wave of his own large-arm and a fluff of his crest. “We need to capture the imaginations of the public! To come in 11th percentile or higher, we can’t do something mean and pedestrian; beyond a contest of engineering skill, this is a contest of ideas!”

“Besides, it’s not as if we can win on our engineering skill,” Rikwaal said sardonically, her small-arms busily occupied with inputting because Rikwaal liked to look as if she was so important to the team, her work never stopped. She was actually a project manager, so the truth was, without a project to engage in, she didn’t have anything to do either.

“Speak for yourself,” the team’s other female, Enshru, snapped. “You can’t win on engineering skill because you are not an engineer.”

“Judging from our performance the last four years, neither are the rest of you,” Rikwaal said.

“Guys, could we stop arguing? This isn’t getting us any closer to the prize,” Le’ir said. He was young, and very earnest, but well-respected for his comportment, his friendliness, his alcohol tolerance, and his ability to go for three days without sleep at crunch time and still have his work come out as competition-quality. “We need a really new idea. Something to shake things up.”

“I agree!” Bakoon said. “Regardless of our skill at engineering, one of our metrics is viewership. Get enough Diwar to follow us and it won’t matter if we fail spectacularly and blow something up. We’d at least come in higher than 11th percentile, if everyone following the competition followed us as a focus-team.”

Enshru snorted. “It sounds like you think this competition is one of those Human things where the Humans with big muscles pretend to wrestle each other! This isn’t about show business, it’s about making something that makes people take notice of us!”

“Which we have never accomplished before,” Rikwaal said, “and therefore, it really seems implausible that we’d manage it this time.”

“I like the idea of making a conveyance,” Irta complained. “We could make it a really sleek one. Give it some real power and maneuverability.”

“We’re not manufacturers of conveyances, dear boy,” Bakoon said in the most patronizing tone imaginable. “We’re manufacturers of spectacle. We’re here to impress! To have audacious ideas that no Diwar has had before – or has succeeded at, or has done as well at – and then to implement them in a tremendous way!” Every time he spoke with emphasis, Bakoon’s crest fluffed. His large-arms gesticulated wildly as he strutted. “We need something fantastic, something spectacular!”

“So that, even if we fail miserably, everyone tunes in to watch us blow ourselves up?” Enshru said.

“Well, by preference I would rather not explode, but yes, that’s the idea.”

“Can I make a suggestion?” Le’ir said. “This may sound like a stupid idea…”

“Oh, go ahead,” Enshru said. “It can’t be worse than Irta’s conveyances.”

“Hey!”

“I think we should bring in a Human.”

Bakoon, who’d been dipping his beak-like snout into his wine glass, spat out everything that was in his mouth. “What?”

“You’re right,” Irta said. “That does sound like a stupid idea.”

“Hate to agree with Irta,” Enshru said, “but when he’s right…”

“Please share with me the name of your supplier,” Bakoon said. “It’s evident that your drugs are of the highest quality.”

Rikwaal cocked her head to the side. “Well, now. You wanted spectacle, and let’s be honest; it’s not as if adding a Human could make this team any worse.”

“Hear me out,” Le’ir said. “All sarcasm aside, we know our skills aren’t up to 11th percentile; we’ve come in last for four years.”

“We did better five years ago,” Enshru said.

“That was five years ago. Either the competitors are getting tougher or we’re getting weaker. Not the point. Now, the metrics are based on three factors, right? The creativity of the idea, the skill of the implementation, and the degree to which the audience is following us specifically.”

“Thank you for explaining things we all already know.” Enshru lifted her head and tilted it sideways, her sharp eyes focusing on Le’ir. “I am sure none of us had any idea how this competition we’ve been performing in for nearly a decade now works.”

Le’ir huffed. “Let me talk, Enshru.” He glared back at her. She reached her left small-arm over to her left large-arm and began grooming the feathers there, backing down while pretending not to have lost face. “So. Skill of implementation’s worth the most, obviously, and that’s where we have our greatest weakness. But if we could do really well on the other two, we’d have a chance. And Humans are well known to take shortcuts, and use, mm, creative means of getting around limitations.”

“You mean human-rigging their stuff?” Irta smirked.

“That’s racist, Irta,” Rikwaal said coolly, making it clear that she didn’t care but as the project manager she had to pretend to.

“Oh, come on, they’re so known for it we named it for them.”

“Yes, that would be the racist part.”

“So they’d be a focus of interest just for that. What crazy idea will the Human come up with? What stupid and yet feasible methods will they implement? Will they go the long way around in a really entertaining way? Will they use nonsensical materials and overengineer it so they work? Or is it going to blow up in their, and our, faces?”

“Hmm,” Bakoon said. “I’m beginning to see where you’re going with this.”

“Plus, a Human has never been on one of our teams before. I think we’ve only ever had two aliens, ever, and neither of them were Human. So they’ll be interesting for that reason.”

“Do you think we can possibly get enough points just from views that it’ll compensate for poor skill and lack of creative ideas?” Rikwaal asked – not sarcastically, but as if she genuinely thought he was considering that idea, and wondering if she should too.

“No, because lack of creative ideas won’t be a problem. We’ll have a Human. Creative ideas are what they’re known for.”

“Creative, completely impractical ideas,” Enshru said.

“But gloriously impractical!” Bakoon said. “Yes, I see what you’re thinking, Le’ir. A Human’s creativity, plus the engineering skills of a team of Diwar… even if our implementation fails spectacularly, we’ll gain enough from creativity and from the curiosity value of a Human competing that we’ll stand a chance! And if we should not fail at implementation, because the Human gives us ridiculous ideas that work nonetheless and then we work them out with Diwar rigor, we may enter the 20th or 30th percentile. Comfortably.”

“I don’t like it! It’s making a mockery of the whole competition!” Irta complained.

“Well, let’s vote on it,” Le’ir said reasonably.

Le’ir, Bakoon and Rikwaal all voted yes. Irta and Enshru voted no.

“That settles that, then,” Rikwaal said.

“Wait!” Irta said. “We never asked Mip! For something like this? Working with a human? Having to make sure they have the right food and the right bathroom facilities available? We have to give Mip a vote!”

Mip was an engineer of a completely different type – he was the facilities guy, managing the computational arrays, the food service, the cleanliness of the workspace. Irta had a good point – Mip would be one of the ones most impacted by the presence of an alien.

However, when they brought him upstairs to vote and explained the situation to him, he said, “You dragged me away from my work for this? Unbelievable.”

“But you get a vote,” Irta said. “You’d be the one to have to do all the extra work if we bring on a human!”

“I’d be doing extra work if you expanded the team to add another Diwar, too,” Mip said, “and don’t pretend you care about my workload, Mr. I’m-going-to-shed-my-feathers-all-over-the-arrays. Do whatever you guys want, I don’t care if you want a Human or a giant frog.” (Technically he did not say frog; the creature he was referring to was an aquatic reptile rather than an amphibian, and usually the size of a Human head, but in most other respects it strongly resembled a frog.) “Just let me get back to my work.”

As he stomped off, making sure they could hear every clatter of his talons on the deck plating, Bakoon said, “So, Le’ir, my boy. Let’s talk. How were you planning to recruit your Human?”

“I hadn’t really thought that far,” Le’ir said. “I wasn’t sure you guys would agree.”

“And personally, I don’t,” Enshru said.

“Yes, yes, we know, Enshru. You’ve made your opinion abundantly clear,” Bakoon said. “Well. My family has trade dealings with Humans; I’ve dealt with them often. Let me be the one to find a Human for the team.”

“This is a bad idea,” Irta said, “and it’ll probably end badly.”

Rikwaal smirked. “But it’ll be such fun to watch before it does.”

[scotch-and-roses]

I wish I could just throw myself into my work to deal with my grief. Unfortunately ADHD and trouble focusing has not been helped by dealing with grief. I’ll start to hyperfocus, then have an intrusive thought about “why hasn’t the Princess come over to yell at me for not having gone to bed yet?” or I’ll look over at the bed expecting to see her curled up asleep to give myself a boost of warmth/comfort, and instead be confronted by an empty bed. Logically I knew that this would happen eventually. She had kidney disease and it wasn’t ever going to get better. I just really hoped that it wouldn’t happen while I was in grad school. I knew that coping with the loss of her while undergoing the stress of grad school would be amazingly difficult, and the idea terrified me. Just thinking of the day that I would lose her was enough to send me into tears. And the reality is that some days feel impossible to get through. And I haven’t figured out a way to keep myself together and productive when I hit those walls. Instead I just kinda fall apart. And I’m still so behind on my work from the migraines at the beginning of the quarter. I am literally down to the wire now. And I just keep alternating between feeling numb and feeling shattered. I have been pulling out of it more, feeling more functional again. There’s just so much all at once. I need to completely rebuild myself in some ways, and I just haven’t had the time or space to do that. And everything is suffering as a result. She was my emotional support/touchstone and this being that loved me and that I loved and cared for and having that routine gave me more purpose and I built my routines around her needs. Not having that framework has left me feeling extremely untethered. And I’m sorry y’all for having to deal with the constant stream of me talking about this, I appreciate the support and love you’ve all shown. This is just part of me processing really. Writing things out helps get it out of my head/helps me to work through the emotions. I just keep hoping that it won’t be real. It doesn’t feel like it should be real. I miss her so damn much. And there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it. The last time I was apart from her for so long was when I was at Reed and lived in the dorms and she stayed with papa. But papa and I talked nearly every day so I’d get daily kitty updates and pictures sometimes. And she was always waiting for me when I got home from school. But this isn’t like that. She isn’t just somewhere else, waiting for me to come home. She’s gone. And now matter how badly I want that to not be the case, that’s how it is. She’s just gone. And I hate it. I wish so badly that I could hold her again and feel her warmth and softness and hear her purr. And it’s never going to happen. Sure, there will be other cats in my life again at some point. But they’ll never be her. I think my earliest memory is from about the age of 3. I’m 28 now, which means I have approximately 25 years of memories. I had Princess for 13 years. That means that over half of my life that I remember she was a part of. She was part of my family and one of the beings that I cared the most about in this world. Most of my friends have not been in my life for as long as she was at this point. She was this huge, important part of my life. And now that’s gone. I have the memories, and I cherish them. But it’s not the same. When I come home from a bad day I don’t have her to come sit on me and purr or take a nap with her curled up against my chest. And it’s just all these compounding things. Going through stress with school, or relationship drama, or worrying about financial stuff, and then not having my fuzzy creature that gave me comfort just takes that stress or whatever and then piles grief on top of it. Until I feel like I can’t breathe, like I’m drowning. Part of me wants to just give in. Give in to the depression, to just curl up and give up on trying to be productive and functional. To just blow off my work, my classes, everything. Because it is so hard. And I feel like my professors are being patient, but are also annoyed with me. And I don’t know how to explain to them how much I’m struggling. That I’m trying, but it’s all just so much and I am barely staying functional. Just doing the daily things that I need to do like eating and showering, keeping the apartment relatively orderly so that I’m not being a horrible roommate, they take so much energy right now. Going to class, grading, doing assignments on top of that is incredibly difficult. And I keep emailing them apologizing for the migraines, for missing class again and again because of them, and because some days the grief is too overwhelming. And I’m just terrified that they’re going to respond with “no, you’ve missed too much, you haven’t done enough, that’s not a valid reason, do better” and that I’m going to fail. I don’t want to. As tempting as it is to give up sometimes, I don’t want to. For one thing, Princess would be pissed. She hated when I was depressed. And this goddamn paper is now three hours overdue and I am torn between trying to pull myself out of this spiral and finishing it tonight like I planned or emailing the professor and once again begging for understanding and more time. It was a month two days ago since I lost her. And the pain is still tearing me apart. But I feel like emailing the professor and asking for more time again, that she’ll dismiss me. That because it’s been a month I shouldn’t be having these breakdowns anymore. That I should be better. And I think I’m slowly getting better. But I’m not better. I’m still a mess of tears and snot and emotions and I’m still trying to figure out how to piece my life back together. And I’m so tired. God I’m so tired. This is exhausting. I’ve always been a very emotional person, I joke that on a dial of 1-10, my emotions are turned up to 11. I feel a lot of things and I feel them very strongly. I love fiercely and strongly, and likewise I feel grief in the same way. And it is so draining. And Princess was my battery pack, she helped me recharge. And learning how to function without that, figuring out how to compensate for that loss, is overwhelming. And I can’t help wishing I could go back. Take her to the vet sooner. Spend more time with her. Something. Anything. And I can’t. And it sucks. So much. I just keep blaming myself. If I’d done more or something different. If I hadn’t spent so much time hanging out with friends away from home. If I’d been more diligent in her diet. If I’d seen about getting her some kind of medication. Anything to give myself more time with her. And I could have, at the end. She could have been hospitalized, had her kidneys completely flushed, been placed on fluids and things for multiple days. But her levels were so high that it would have been temporary. A way to get her feeling a little better for who knows how long just so that I could have more time. And that felt wrong. It felt wrong to put her through that just so that I didn’t have to say goodbye so soon. And I hate that I wish I had. Because I miss her so goddamn much and would give anything right now to have more time. Even though it would have meant her possibly suffering and me going into thousands of dollars of debt. And I know I made the right choice. But god it was so hard. And I wish I never had to make it. And for the last 13 years she’s been here to help me through hard times like this. When I’m crying in the middle of the night and don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t want to bother anyone, I had her. And it feels like I’m just stuck in this horrible loop where I miss her and it hurts, and I want to cuddle her because that’s how I’ve dealt with similar pain in the past, but she’s gone so I can’t, and it hurts more, and it just keeps going until I’m curled up on the bed, sobbing, with my arms wrapped around me because it feels like if I don’t physically hold myself together I’ll shatter into a million pieces. And I sob until I’m gasping for breath and I can’t see a way through the pain. I don’t know how to make it stop. Papa keeps telling me to “compartmentalize” and “just cherish the memories”. And I want to scream because that’s not how I work. If I could just flip a switch like that or tuck things into neat boxes, don’t you think I would? I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. But I can’t just turn off my emotions or decide to feel something different. And he criticizes me for being so open, so giving of myself, for investing so much. And maybe it is a flaw, maybe I do need to work on closing myself off more. Perhaps I need to find ways to temper myself. But I feel like that’s work to be done when I’m not in the middle of emotional upheaval. I can only do so much at one time. And right now I’m at capacity, I’m over capacity really. So tired. Both physically and mentally/emotionally right now. I don’t want to email my professor, but I think I have to. Dammit. 

[thecomickidphotography]

If you have spent any time looking at my work you know I enjoy shooting portraits. You may have also noticed that I often process my photos in black and white. It’s typically not something that I elect to do on purpose the photos just end up that way. In the case of my most recent shoot with Haven Hudson I ended up making the entire section black and white.

Why Make Photos Black and White?

The most common reason that I choose to make photos black and white is because they were shot in low light. Because I’m compensating with a higher ISO and to a lesser extent larger Apertures the photos I shoot in low light tend to have a shallow depth of field along with a noticeable amount of “noise” (Grain, Static, artifacts and discoloration). While noise is a common byproduct of increasing the sensitivity of your cameras sensor it is typically something many photographers would like to avoid. It’s why camera manufactures will invest a respectable amount of research and development into getting cameras to shoot at higher ISOs with less Noise. However even the best cameras shooting at 6400 ISO are going to show some noise but that doesn’t mean an image is ruined.

In my opinion a humble amount of noise can give photos a film like quality. In an era where Photoshop can polish an image down to the point where it looks more like a life like painting it can be a bit refreshing to keep some of the old rough edges to images as opposed to scrubbing the photos of their soul and leaving them as nothing more than images. The issue is though is that Digital Noise isn’t film grain. It has completely different qualities, the most significant being the way it effects color tones; They can become muddy and difficult to grade colors the way you want. It is especially difficult when it comes to skin tone which tend to be a pain in the ass to change anyways. However is you are okay with less color and a bit of grain you can get some very vintage/filmic looking images.

This is what makes black and white such a effective method of editing. You’re not worried about what the colors look like you’re more focused on what your exposure, Contrast, whites, blacks, shadows and highlights are doing without having to stress about color balance or saturation as well.

Technical justifications aside the main reason to process in black and white is purely a aesthetic choice. I have always loved the way black and white photography looks especially when it comes to my more candid and improvisational photography. I like having photos that look like you could find them in the attic of you grandparents house and its a big reason I frequently order 4×6 prints on some of my favorite photos. One day someone is going to be going through my old stuff and that photos I have taken throughout my life.

Shooting with the Fuji X100f.

The Fuji X100f is a relatively new addition to my camera bag. I have had it for the last 6 months and in my time shooting with it there are some certain qualities that I have grown to appreciate and other that I have learned to loath and this Black and White series is a good illustrations of the good the bad and the ugly when it

comes to this camera.

The Good:

The image quality off the sensor of this camera is excellent. I have grown so spoiled by shooting with a full frame Nikon DSLR that I have grown pessimistic when it comes to smaller sensors but the APS-C sized chip on the X100f Renders details and colors so well that in the right lighting conditions you would think that you were shooting with a full 35mm sensor. I personally believe the sensor benefits from having a well paired lens attached to the front of it. The 23mm f2 lens that is fixed on the Fuji is roughly a 35mm equivalent on the APS-C Sensor and the combination of the f2 wide open aperture and being fixed focal length allows for very precise rendering that takes some very breathtaking images.

The final thing that I love about the camera is how fast it is. The auto focus, the shutter response (along with being incredibly quite) allows me to shoot very quickly and the responsiveness of the camera to my adjustments happen at such a pace the I can focus on shooting more than constantly making minor adjustments.

The Bad:

This camera is not well suited for portraits, Not going to lie about that. While I am super pleased with the image quality coming out of the camera there are some things that makes it hard to get portraits to look the way portraits to work.

 Because the lens is a 23mm it has a lot of the qualities and drawbacks of a wide angle lens. Noticeable distortion, even with f2 aperture the bokeh (blurred Background) never quite gets the subject isolation you want and getting the right composition never becomes a bit more of a challenge.

Most of these things can be overcome with some editing. Adobe Lightroom (Which I almost exclusively edit with)  has profile corrections built right in for this camera and the you can add more blur the background more if you’re into that kind of thing but ideally you want to minimized editing by getting as much in camera as you can and having your processing for implementing the style you want. Not so much for fixing issues.

The Ugly:

The high ISO performance on this camera is sketchy at best. The noise after 3200 ISO is Pretty noticeable but the thing that I constantly notice is how muddy the mid-tones become as you raise the sensitivity.  It is especially rough on the color quality. after 1600 ISO the color starts to fall apart on the RAW files to the point that you almost feel like you have to go to black and white which I why I elected edit all of these photos in black and white. I’ve noticed in time that people are really committed to color photography and I will often deliver black and white photos and have people ask me to convert them back to color. So for me I’m okay with living with a camera I know I’m going to get some color issues but I think there a lot of photographers and clients out there who color quality is non-negotiable.

Video in Black and White:

I want to get back to shooting video more often. Typically I don’t mix a lot of my video work with my portrait work but it has been something that I have wanted to do. After Editing the whole set in Black and White I decided I wanted the video I captured to match.

I shot the Video on my Nikon D600 with the Nikon 24-120 f4g lens. This Camera is a bit on the old side when it comes to video performance. It shoots at 1080p at 30fps (I shoot in 24fps) on a H.264 codec which is respectable but there are a lot of 4k 60fps options hitting the market with better codecs and more video centric features. But the footage from the 35mm sensor looks great and 1080p is still respectable in the online space. (But I do still am tempted to upgrade.)

I was actually really happy with how the video came out but I do want to improve a few things going forward. First I need to get a better stabilization setup. Not necessarily something fancy like a DJI RONIN or a Glide Cam but possibly a shoulder rig to give me more steady movements going forward. Also I need to get back on my music game because it’s very hard to get quality music that you can use in videos. Luckily Brain Altano has encouraged people to use the music he is now making for his new creative project Weird Heat on their own projects so I have decided to take advantage of his generosity.

The Set:

I feel fortunate to have been able to shoot with how busy I have been lately but I’m finding it important to continue with my own creative endeavors. A lot of what my day (and night) job have me do is beneficial to my professional growth, but being able to do things like this black and white series makes me feel like still have the ability to flex my creative muscles.

Black and White With The Fuji X100f (Photos) and Nikon D600 (Video) If you have spent any time looking at my work you know I enjoy shooting portraits. You may have also noticed that I often process my photos in black and white.

[expensive-glitter]

January 17th, 2021: BIG post

So I had a full-on breakdown today that lasted, like, several hours. It sucked. I take on far too much stress at work because I can’t say no to people. I’m always doing things for others and never really for myself. I feel like this behavior is driven by a need for validation. I just have this compulsive need to be liked, maybe because I’m not really happy with myself.

But even with everything I do, it still doesn’t feel like enough. I mean, my threshold for things I can take on is relatively low. I’m not good at anything. I’m slow at doing things, I’m stupid, I’m constantly making mistakes. There’s always something wrong. And nobody seems to really understand just how hard I do try. Some days though, my whole mind, body, spirit just... crumbles. I’m weak.

I’ve been thinking, and I want to work on being okay with “not being enough”. and by “not being enough”, I think I mean not being perfect, or even nearly perfect. I’m incredibly doubtful that I’ll ever be overly-talented at anything. As much as I’d love to be the next best poet, or guitarist, or painter, or anything, that probably won’t ever happen. I’ll probably never be that person at work that’s an absolute wizard & is known to be the greatest at all sorts of things. Not at my current job or any future job. I’ll never be a straight-A student (as much as I’d like to be, because scholarship money). I’ll never be anyone truly special. And you know what? I’m starting to become okay with that. I’ve spent the entirety of my life so far looking for a purpose in the sense of being accepted and liked by people. I’ve spent far too much time trying to over-compensate for my lack of personality, lack of friendships, etc. by becoming extremely good at things & gaining popularity that way. But, as I’ve stated before, I’m not spectacularly good at anything.

The culmination of my mental illness was a combination of a natural deficiency of certain brain chemicals, and a few life events. These are the cards I was dealt & seemingly continue to be dealt. My life was generally fine all in all, especially in the beginning. Nothing was really wrong, I didn’t have the difficult upbringing that a lot of people have had, I was never poor, I didn’t experience much major abuse, my life should’ve been completely fine. The thing that really hindered that in the beginning was myself. And I don’t really blame myself. I was a child, I was being myself the best way I knew how. I didn’t know any better. But people generally didn’t like me, and in turn, weren’t always very kind to me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have a bit of a “fuck the world” attitude because of it, but I’m accepting that it wasn’t necessarily their faults either. They were children too, they didn’t know what to make of me because I wasn’t the type of person they were used to, and so I was largely unpopular. Maybe I’ll delve into the whys of it at a different time, but I’m too focused on my current thoughts & feelings to do it now. And so, for years, people sought to gain validation for themselves too, often at my expense. And as crappy as it was for me, and with as much resentment as I hold towards these people so many years later, I’m accepting that it’s okay, and I’m letting it go. Besides, I wasn’t always the kindest to others either, ashamedly. Sometimes I even made fun of people (behind their backs usually, as I never really desired to publicly humiliate people) for the same reasons that my bullies did: gaining validation from others & wanting to be seen as the cool, funny girl. I wouldn’t consider myself a bully, though. I didn’t do it much, and never to completely undeserving people. The people I did it to were pretty much always people who’d wronged me in some way or another, and while I still admit that it was petty & immature, I don’t think that makes me as much of a villain as the people who bullied me were. But whatever. We were all kids who didn’t know what was going on, or what life even was. We all had different lives but similar wants for popularity, acceptance, approval, etc... So if they gained that at my expense, so be it. If they’re living their lives without ever thinking about how devastating their words & actions were on mine, so be it. It doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m out of school & living in a totally different part of the country, so I’ll never have to see them ever again anymore.

Going back to my point about the cards I was dealt in life before I completely digressed, everyone is dealt a slightly different hand. These cards don’t necessarily determine what your life has to be, but you should let them guide you. So my hand basically tells me, “Yo, you’re not destined for fame, or popularity, or notoriety, or greatness”. And that’s okay. I think my life was meant to be more humble and lowkey.

Going BACK back to the original point about “not being enough”, I’m coming to terms with that. When I walk into a room, very few people are gonna be like “Oh my god, it’s Jasmine!!!!!!!”. People at work aren’t going to rely on me to do all sorts of extra stuff that isn’t necessarily my job. I’m simply going to exist, do what I need to do to get my job done effectively, but nothing too much unless I genuinely feel up to it. Although my presence won’t be strong, I’ll still assert myself and say “no” whenever I need to. I’m not existing selfishly, but I’m not entirely selfless, either. I’m doing what I need to do to set myself up for comfort and happiness. I’m being myself; some people will like it, some will be neutral, and some will dislike me. That’s fine. As of now, I still seek *some* external validation, but who doesn’t? But I’m hopeful that someone will truly like me for what I am. My reliance on this need for love & romance is something we can work on later, but for now, I’m happy that I’ve updated & articulated my emotions to the best of my capabilities. Thank you to anyone who may ever come across this, if you stuck with me until the end. If no one ever does except for myself, I’m cool with that.

[captainoftheseaqueen]

May is Mental Health Month!

Tumblr has a blog dedicated specifically to sharing your story to help others, Post It Forward, and they have put forward a theme for each week. This week is talking about your personal self-care.

So, I’m going to talk about my experience with self care before and after I received treatment for my depression.

Now, to be honest, I’ve wondered one to share, 

but the truth is my self-care sucked for quite a while before I started taking medication for my depression. 

I either didn’t eat or I compensated by overeating, 

I couldn’t sleep or I slept too much, 

I could not focus on any projects

I was disinterested in things I’d once loved

I couldn’t even play video games, even though I wanted to 

A lot of self-care posts on tumblr end up being very cutesy. And those are things I can do now, remembering to get up and stretch, or get out of the house, but the fact of the matter is that at my worst--and I dealt with my depression getting worse over the course of the years--I just couldn’t do it. And I tried.

My depression-addled ass would do stretches and strength training to work out, since I lived in Vegas and could not bring myself to do something as intense as cardio. Strength training was at least stationary, mostly. 

Oh, it helped, a little. I put on a lot of muscle in that time. I’d do it when I was miserable or just apathetic because people said it was supposed to help, right? Exercise was supposed to make it better and help it go away, right?

Spoiler: Exercise didn’t cure my depression.

Spoiler #2: There is no cure for depression and cutesy posts are lying

In fact, my schedule for training was uneven because sometimes depression was just too much. It saps your energy. Sometimes I had more physical energy, and sometimes I’d have a briefly more positive outlook because of endorphin, but the fact of the matter is that unless all I did was exercise, there would be no compensating for the illness I was experiencing.

And I blamed it on stress. I mean, understandably. I was under constant fear of being homeless, I was working a job as a waitress for a year and a half that I got no money from--it had to go straight to bills and buying food for the family, I had no self-confidence, and I was regularly getting to see one of my parents go through life-threatening medical things, among other things. And the family stress wasn’t new. I’ve been dealing with medical horrors since I was in fifth grade. In fact, in ninth grade, I couldn’t fail due to absences because I would suddenly leave school to take care of my dad and bother. He had a stroke and heart attack in one week in said grade. There are other, worse things, but to keep this post from growing too grim, I’ll hold onto them for another time.

So, as for why the medical stuff is worth mentioning, I’ve got an olfactory trigger I’ve developed over my lifetime because of it. There is a particular medical grade disinfectant that the very smell of triggers panic attacks in me, and the idea of going to a doctor, let alone hospital, makes me physically sick. 

My job at the bar sucked because one or twice a week, always on my shift it seemed, the bar bathrooms were cleaned and that same disinfectant was used. Anxiety spikes at a job that already sucked were not helping. And even still, I was telling myself that  the only thing wrong with me was that I wasn’t trying hard enough.

Spoiler #3: No amount of ‘trying harder’ would have made it better.

We moved. We were homeless for two months, but we moved. And then we went to a new house, I wasn’t working. The weather was better. My dad’s health seemed to be better. I was no longer regularly being subjected to my trigger.  The reasons for my stress were gone.

What wasn’t gone was my depression.

And that made me feel worse, believe it or not. Because before, I could blame it on things being rough and just assuming I was having a hard time juggling all of it. Without the stress, I panicked because I wasn’t doing any better and I was sure I should be.

So I tried working out more.

It didn’t help.

I tried focusing on happy things. But I couldn’t focus on anything so that did me no good.

I tried all that cutesy self-care shit. It didn’t do me any good.

And that made me feel worse because clearly, I thought, I was doing it wrong. Somehow, some way.

And then I went to the doctor to talk about having no energy, and before I went in, they had a quiz to fill out about mental health. My results were... not great.

So she asked me to go see a therapist.

Now, for several reasons, I haven’t gone back since my first appointment. But that first appointment, he emailed my doctor and had per prescribe an antidepressant for me.

In my case, this is what I needed.

Yes, I still have issues every now and then, but it’s a completely different ballgame from the one I was playing before. Rather than being tied up to a pole with people batting baseballs straight for my head, I’ve got a bat now and I can try and knock them back.

The cutesy shit can work for me now, sometimes, but the fact of the matter is it didn’t and couldn’t before.

All I could do before I got help was just survive. And that’s okay.

So I am putting this out there for those that are suffering.

It’s okay if all that stuff you see doesn’t do much for you. It’s okay if all you can do right now is survive. Surviving means you’re alive, and having been there, having been suicidal and having honest-to-god stood at the side of the road and watched cars go by, wondering how much being hit would hurt, let me tell you and promise you right now that surviving is enough.

Surviving means you can get better.

Surviving means there is a chance.

And having gone through eleven years of progressively worse shit, it’s enough.

Surviving is enough for now. Help is out there. I promise.

And sometimes what helps you cope will change.

Sometimes it will be clinging to a fandom, show, book, or game because it’s all you feel like you’ve got at the time. And that’s okay. Sometimes it will be looking up silly videos online to get your first laugh that day. Or it will be subsiding off of prepackaged or easily made meals because you don’t have the energy for anything else.

If these keep you alive until you can get the help and support you need to get your demons and problems under control, then that’s okay. Just remember that there are people who can help.

I may not know you, but I love you. I love you because you are unique and irreplaceable, even when you think that’s a lie.

I want you to be safe, and if you aren’t happy now, if being happy feels like a far-away dream, I just want you to know that it’s not. And you can be happy again. You just have to hang in there. I believe in you.

[dragon-age-my-beloved]

Me: "What I do with my relationships is not a burden you need to bare. It is no ones but my own. Although I love that you care about me to do it without asking, I don't wish you to invest yourself in me in a way that hurts you.

I talk with others about my social problems because I need to reflect off others that I am responding appropriately, not for them to actually go out of their way to help me. I seek understanding and emotional guidance more than physical direction. More akin to "I understand that you are upset, I would be as well. You dont deserve that/you reacted inappropriately" rather than "get rid of him/ your better off not doing this/ if you want to be happy you need to do this" But no matter what if someone is to provide me with advice I dont just throw it out, I mull over it. But I mull over it until I am ready to act on it. I have been considering getting rid of Ryan for months. And I know it is the right thing to do. But the fact of the matter is I'm not ready yet and that's a decision I need to make, not someone else's. I work at a slower pace than others when it comes to understanding. I always have. My need to understand isnt an external one, its internal. I dont need to know where the other person is coming from in negative relationships. The things I need to understand are "Once I get rid of ryan how much do I want to avoid him? How would I even go about doing it? Around how long will it take for me to feel okay? Am I emotionally stable enough to go through with this action?" And honestly losing William then directly having to deal with ryan and now how much stress I am under currently, I know if I threw things away with him right now it could be alot worse than if I waited for when I was better.

I know you arent the type to let your emotions out unless you need to. On the other side I have also never been one to pry because I see it as disrespectful. I am very upfront and forward with my emotions because I have had too many friendships end because someone wouldnt communicate with me. So I compensated by drowing them in my own feelings hoping it would encourage them to open up as well. It doesn't always work but I have honestly had difficulty finding another way to do it when I can't understand social queues.

I dont look people in the eye unless I am completly at ease or I'm in a job interview. I didnt know Nick's eye color until 11th grade despite knowing him since kindergarten, and that's only because people were talking about it. My tone of voice comes out wrong almost all the time. And with that so do my words, though I have gotten better with those in the written form. I have been told numerous times that my tone of voice is disrespectful or makes me appear to others as angry. When in reality it usually starts to happen because I'm not paying EXTREME attention to it. If it helps, I have been told that my facial expressions tend to express what I'm really trying to convey. I'm obsessive, very prone to addiction. I am either rigid or I am tapping or doing some sort of thing to make noise. I dont relax fully around people, physically or mentally.

Not often will acknowledgment of my actions lead me to being upset. If you can be upfront and say "macy, the way you said that hurt my feelings" I will 100% add it to my list of things I shouldnt do. Because the only reason I have gotten this far in life is from people telling me. I don't catch on to things. I cant read a room very well. I can't do a lot of things involving interaction properly. I can tell you I am trying to get better at it, but it's one of those things that I need told to me because I HONESTLY cannot tell. Every social interaction I'm in is a guess unless I have been through the same exact conversation a million times.

I'm not saying this to try and guilt you or anything bad like that. I just came to the realization that I don't think I ever told you about it. This has been a serious work in progress my entire life and it's not just you who has had to deal with it. I'm 99.99% sure it's the actual the reason all of my friends from high school dont speak with me anymore.

It probably isnt anything that will help my case, but this is honestly the best I have ever been with communication. And that's probably partially why it is only coming up now. I used to be a lot worse. I make people upset and can't tell. I constantly am freaking out over people because I'm scared everytime I talk to someone I'm messing up. And when I become closer with someone I start to relax around them and it becomes an issue again.

You are under no obligation to have to adhere to these issues I have. But for a good friendship with me they do need to be taken into consideration. Because it's not something that will go away once I "find myself" or whatever. There is no medication that makes this better, there is no growing out of it, it is constant hard work for me every day to make sure I'm using the "right" words or whatever else is being taken into consideration at the time. If you think it would be easier for you, you can give me signs that you are retreating or something of the like if you are comfortable disclosing that to me. It wouldn't be just you, I want to work to have a better communication style with you.

I never want my friends to feel uncomfortable or upset because of something I've done or said. I care very deeply about people. More than I have ever shown any of you. And I know it's bad of me, but I am trying really really hard to get to the point where I can genuinely express it. It took me a year and a half of being at college to actually feel like the people around me were my actual friends. And only in the past year have I truly believed that they loved me back. I have been trying to express it more since then, but it's difficult.

To express my love I try to tell people. I take photos and videos of my friends because I want them to know I want to remember them. I try to match their emotions that they are telling me about so they wont be alone in them. When my friend Wanda told me she appreciated written word I wrote her a few letters. It took a few months but me and lydia struggled with it a lot. But we are now at a great place, when she is upset I give her space until she wants to talk and then I physically comfort her. She knows when I'm upset I hate being touched and I just want to run the course of my emotions to let myself fully feel it before I'm calm. This usually includes ranting, not speaking at all about it, or just crying a lot.

For us both to feel comfortable in a friendship together you need to communicate with me. No maybe, you NEED to. Otherwise your emotions will boil over and it will all feel over whelming and there will be nothing I can do about it. I would like to work on it with you. It took a little while but me and lydia worked through much much worse than this and now she is one of my closest friends.

You told me not long ago that I was one of your best friends, and I told you that you were one of mine. I honestly don't think a rough patch of communication during a pandemic is unheard of. But if you are willing to open yourself to me now with your honesty as you have, I hope you can continue doing so at more regular intervals. Possibly check once a week if there is something we have done that has bothered the other and we can address it in a stress free environment. If it is more regulated and expected I feel it might possibly limit the amount of stress you feel addressing it, and I can limit the amount of stress I put you under by springing my emotions constantly which I know can be overwhelming to others.

I know I am intense, it is the word I get most often attributed to me. But it's because I am a very focused person, just not always on the right thing. I get completely absorbed into people, into staring at a spot on the wall for 20 minutes, those stupid slot machines at my senior prom that made me realize I should never go to a casino, or most often just on what is happening inside my own head. It's never ill intended, it's just the way I have always been and how my mind works. I hope you can understand."

Me: I just really hope this isn't one of the last things I say to them. Probably one of my most disliked things is to bare my soul for nothing. Stuff like this is why I hardly ever fight for people. Because they are probably better off anyways. I hate... I hate that I am like this. I'm so exhausted, all the time. I just want it to stop.

[vdmeganlawsontei]

How To Avoid Compounding Trading Mistakes (My Story)

How To Avoid Compounding Trading Mistakes (My Story) If you saw yesterday's video, you know I set a buy stop for Bitcoin at $11,600. You also know I set a sell stop for Bitcoin at $10,700. If you watched Bitcoin's price today, you know how this story ended - I got whipsawed big time. Ouch. Situations like these are perfect for testing your emotional compatibility with trading and what the best strategy is for you. There are more details in the video, but the important takeaways are: 1) Scale your position appropriately 2) If you make a poor decision, give yourself a night's rest before making further decisions (you're not a robot) 3) Always look at relative losses / gains rather than absolute 4) Be prepared for all results by having entry and exit points (such that no outcome catches you with your pants down) If you're an investor (buy and hold), then the takeaways are: 1) STOP looking at price so frequently. It amazes me how many people say they are hodlers, but they check Bitcoin's price at least 3 times a day. This is the worst possible thing you can do if you're a real hodler since price shouldn't matter to you and obsessively observing price will only serve to increase your emotional attachment to Mr. Market. 2) Remove right or wrong from the equation and invest as you can without regard to market timing. If price goes down immediately after you invest, don't stress. If you can't prevent stress, invest more in traditional assets (stocks, bonds, funds) until you find an allocation that works without emotionally straining you. Another important piece of information in this video: I generally trade to reduce risk, NOT increase return. This strategy that I lost money on is outside my usual book of strategies and I'm not surprised by the result. I will still try this strategy in the future, but it is worth noting there is a difference between trading to increase returns and trading to decrease risks. This particular trade was the former and it burned me. I buy & hold if price declines (e.g: altcoins). I will do the same for Bitcoin if the situation reverses and Bitcoin declines while altcoins rise (sell altcoins and buy Bitcoin). As always, I am interested to hear your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for watching. ================ If you like my content, you can support me through using ANY of the affiliate links below (I receive small compensation). The beauty of affiliate links is that I can pick and choose what I like rather than have companies approach me - everything I linked below (with the exception of Trezor since I like Ledger), I use myself frequently. ================ My Recommended Hardware Wallets: If you want to store your cryptocurrencies safely, the best way is through a hardware wallet. Seriously - look it up and you'll find plenty of information supporting this claim. There are alternatives such as paper wallets, but these are convenient and my choice for cold storage (offline): Ledger Nano S: http://amzn.to/2hZPj0q Trezor: http://amzn.to/2AxD9TN Ledger Blue (expensive): http://amzn.to/2hk7xst I personally prefer the Ledger Nano S, but the Trezor is such a close second that it really doesn't matter which one you go with. Ledger Blue is premium and convenient, but not necessary. ================ My Favorite Book for Investing in Crypto: Cryptoassets: http://amzn.to/2zKDdCF This book is, bar none, my favorite book for investing in cryptocurrencies. It doesn't bog you down with technical jargon, but instead focuses on all the elements you should understand before you invest. It's a comprehensive book for both beginners and experts. Beginners will find information about major cryptocurrencies (not just Bitcoin) as well as details on historical market events (that you can draw on for future) and events to watch for moving into the future. Experts will find the chapters on valuation particularly useful. For those of you involved in traditional investing, this book is even more of a godsend as finance info is explored (correlations with other asset classes, ETFs, etc). ================ My Recommended Exchanges: Coinbase / GDAX / Bittrex http://ift.tt/2zC86Z1 If you sign up to Coinbase using link above, you and I will both receive $10 each after you buy your first $100 of Bitcoin using Coinbase. Coinbase is much less intimidating for beginners. Once ready, move up to GDAX for cheaper or zero fees. For altcoins, I recommend Bittrex. ================ Legal Stuff: I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. None of what I provide in my videos is investment advice. Please do your own due diligence. ================ My Platforms: Twitter: https://twitter.com/Truth_Investor SteemIt: http://ift.tt/2yilNeD Medium: http://ift.tt/2x8UGiu Seeking Alpha: http://ift.tt/2xFgwPg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg78lyhzMSk

[lewisgabriel84z31]

How To Avoid Compounding Trading Mistakes (My Story)

How To Avoid Compounding Trading Mistakes (My Story) If you saw yesterday's video, you know I set a buy stop for Bitcoin at $11,600. You also know I set a sell stop for Bitcoin at $10,700. If you watched Bitcoin's price today, you know how this story ended - I got whipsawed big time. Ouch. Situations like these are perfect for testing your emotional compatibility with trading and what the best strategy is for you. There are more details in the video, but the important takeaways are: 1) Scale your position appropriately 2) If you make a poor decision, give yourself a night's rest before making further decisions (you're not a robot) 3) Always look at relative losses / gains rather than absolute 4) Be prepared for all results by having entry and exit points (such that no outcome catches you with your pants down) If you're an investor (buy and hold), then the takeaways are: 1) STOP looking at price so frequently. It amazes me how many people say they are hodlers, but they check Bitcoin's price at least 3 times a day. This is the worst possible thing you can do if you're a real hodler since price shouldn't matter to you and obsessively observing price will only serve to increase your emotional attachment to Mr. Market. 2) Remove right or wrong from the equation and invest as you can without regard to market timing. If price goes down immediately after you invest, don't stress. If you can't prevent stress, invest more in traditional assets (stocks, bonds, funds) until you find an allocation that works without emotionally straining you. Another important piece of information in this video: I generally trade to reduce risk, NOT increase return. This strategy that I lost money on is outside my usual book of strategies and I'm not surprised by the result. I will still try this strategy in the future, but it is worth noting there is a difference between trading to increase returns and trading to decrease risks. This particular trade was the former and it burned me. I buy & hold if price declines (e.g: altcoins). I will do the same for Bitcoin if the situation reverses and Bitcoin declines while altcoins rise (sell altcoins and buy Bitcoin). As always, I am interested to hear your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for watching. ================ If you like my content, you can support me through using ANY of the affiliate links below (I receive small compensation). The beauty of affiliate links is that I can pick and choose what I like rather than have companies approach me - everything I linked below (with the exception of Trezor since I like Ledger), I use myself frequently. ================ My Recommended Hardware Wallets: If you want to store your cryptocurrencies safely, the best way is through a hardware wallet. Seriously - look it up and you'll find plenty of information supporting this claim. There are alternatives such as paper wallets, but these are convenient and my choice for cold storage (offline): Ledger Nano S: http://amzn.to/2hZPj0q Trezor: http://amzn.to/2AxD9TN Ledger Blue (expensive): http://amzn.to/2hk7xst I personally prefer the Ledger Nano S, but the Trezor is such a close second that it really doesn't matter which one you go with. Ledger Blue is premium and convenient, but not necessary. ================ My Favorite Book for Investing in Crypto: Cryptoassets: http://amzn.to/2zKDdCF This book is, bar none, my favorite book for investing in cryptocurrencies. It doesn't bog you down with technical jargon, but instead focuses on all the elements you should understand before you invest. It's a comprehensive book for both beginners and experts. Beginners will find information about major cryptocurrencies (not just Bitcoin) as well as details on historical market events (that you can draw on for future) and events to watch for moving into the future. Experts will find the chapters on valuation particularly useful. For those of you involved in traditional investing, this book is even more of a godsend as finance info is explored (correlations with other asset classes, ETFs, etc). ================ My Recommended Exchanges: Coinbase / GDAX / Bittrex http://ift.tt/2zC86Z1 If you sign up to Coinbase using link above, you and I will both receive $10 each after you buy your first $100 of Bitcoin using Coinbase. Coinbase is much less intimidating for beginners. Once ready, move up to GDAX for cheaper or zero fees. For altcoins, I recommend Bittrex. ================ Legal Stuff: I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for me to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. None of what I provide in my videos is investment advice. Please do your own due diligence. ================ My Platforms: Twitter: https://twitter.com/Truth_Investor SteemIt: http://ift.tt/2yilNeD Medium: http://ift.tt/2x8UGiu Seeking Alpha: http://ift.tt/2xFgwPg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg78lyhzMSk

[rcultado]

“If my life circumstances had landed me in a sweatshop, I’d want someone to be standing up for me and to refuse to be a part of my exploitation”

A long-haul move to Manila turned ethical fashion advocate Hannah Theisen from a sunshiny social activist to an impassioned warrior. Renee Christopher Ultado keeps up with her journey

A Japanese man occupies a box of a room with white walls, wooden floors, and a simple wooden table and two chairs.

“This is how people usually imagine minimalist living,” says Hannah Theisen. Clad in a black crop top, black culottes, and a wispy gold necklace tucked under her shirt, Theisen looks like she herself would be just at home in the same Spartan conditions. “But minimalism is really about only keeping the things that you absolutely love. You can lead this kind of lifestyle and still love embellished clothing, bright colors, and little trinkets as long as you value and wear each one of them,” she continues.

Part of the growing community of Fashion Revolution, a worldwide organization advocating sustainable fashion, humane working conditions, and fare wages for garment workers, Theisen sheds light on the ramifications of the rapid fashion cycle via her blog, www.lifestylejustice.com. More than focusing on the negative and preaching from a high horse, her website is an avenue for championing ethical brands and serves as a guide and open call to responsible consumerism. Along with this project, she runs a full-time US-based consulting firm she manages from Manila, and spearheads A Beautiful Refuge, a social enterprise and ethical lifestyle brand based in Tagaytay.

In her move to the Philippines, her journey takes a more personal turn. More than statistics or cautionary tales featured in documentaries, clothing factory workers laboring under deplorable conditions for little compensation are her friends. “I have always cared about the people behind my clothes ever since I started this journey, but it's different now, it's more intense. Now they are people I've sung karaoke with, joked with, and shared meals with,” says Theisen. Like the statement on one of her T-shirts, [ethical fashion] is not the new black. It's actually Article 23 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

What started this journey for you? Have you always been an advocate of social justice and sustainable living, or was it a big lifestyle change?

Even as a child, I was always quite conscientious, and I’ve been an activist with interests in various social justice issues since I was a young teenager. However, it wasn’t until about 2011, after I graduated from college, that I became more deeply aware of the potential negative effect of my shopping and lifestyle habits. I felt conflicted speaking out against injustices like forced labor and inhumane treatment and still indirectly “fund” it by buying cheap clothes and other goods. I realized that I didn’t know where the products I was purchasing came from or how they were made, and I wanted that to change. It was a lifestyle shift, for sure, because prior to becoming a “conscious consumer,” I was a bit of a bargain hunter, always out looking for the cheapest deals. However, it didn’t feel too overwhelming because I grew up without access to a ton of money so I was used to shopping secondhand, growing and preserving my own food.

 How is it going so far?

My exploration into ethical living has been a continuous journey, because there’s always an aspect of my lifestyle and purchasing habits that I can work on, there's always something I can improve. At first, I was just avoiding purchasing items that I knew were likely to be made in poor labor conditions, like cheap clothing and chocolate and coffee. When I found that quite simple to do, I moved on toward only purchasing items that I needed and wanted that I could prove were made ethically—be it clothes, shoes, home goods, or beauty products. After that became second nature to me, I started working on reducing the single-use plastic waste in my life and trying to become completely zero waste. Easier said than done, though, living in Metro Manila!

What brought you to Manila and what keeps you busy here?

I’ve loved the Philippines every since I first visited as a teenager. I lived here in 2009 while working with an NGO and always knew that I wanted to come back someday. When a friend who runs a non-profit in Tagaytay asked me to help set up a social enterprise to employ women who had come through her program and were in need of employment, I said yes, thinking I’d spend a few months in the Philippines getting things set up with the bonus of hanging around my favorite islands during downtime.

Fast forward to today: I’m living in Makati and running my US-based consulting business remotely while still volunteering to help the social enterprise get through its first year smoothly and profitably. I really love what I’m doing because it blends my interests in ethically produced fashion, small business development, and social justice together perfectly.

Can you talk about the social enterprise in Tagaytay?

A Beautiful Refuge is an eco-friendly (and aspiring zero waste) screen printing and sewing workshop offering sustainable employment to women who need it. We’re less than a year old, and only have six employees, but we’re steadily growing and really excited about the future. We make T-shirts, totes, various home items in our workshop. The products are for sale in the Philippines and in the US. We’re really into transparency, paying fair wages (workers start at double the standard rate for seamstresses), and being environmentally friendly. 

What about Fashion Revolution? How does the Philippine organization contribute to the global movement?

With participating chapters in 92 countries worldwide, Fashion Revolution seeks to raise awareness of unfair labor conditions in the garment and textile manufacturing industries, and to spark change though widespread social activism. Much of this activism is focused around Fashion Revolution Week, which takes place around April 24th each year. This date is significant because it is the anniversary of the fatal collapse of Rana Plaza factory Dhaka, Bangladesh, which claimed the lives of at least 1,134 and injured 2,500 more.

Here in the Philippines, Fashion Revolution’s Philippines country team works with local organizations, Filipino fashion brands, colleges, and the general public to raise awareness and educate on the issues within the fast fashion industry. The Philippines is one of the newest countries to officially join Fashion Revolution, but has already had a huge impact. In fact, there were several hundred attendees for April’s Fashion Revolution events in Manila—which included a workshop for up-and-coming ethical brands, a film screening and panel discussion, and a talk on minimalism that I was lucky enough to lead alongside Jella Jornales, my best friend and one of the few Filipina fashion influencers who promotes only ethical brands. After the positive response that the Fashion Revolution team saw following our events, it’s my hope that the Philippines can play a bigger role as an agent of change in the global fashion industry.

What’s the hardest part about leading this kind of lifestyle?

I haven’t ever really felt that it’s too challenging to live this way. Probably the biggest challenge that I face in promoting ethical and minimalist living is convincing people that my lifestyle isn’t too difficult or expensive to achieve. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I buy mostly used clothing, buy my food (mostly vegetables and fruits!) from an open market that doesn’t package stuff in plastic and that’s cheaper than the grocery store, make my own beauty products, and don’t really buy much beyond the necessities. I usually save money, experience less stress, and have greater contentment by living as a minimalist and conscious consumer! 

The second biggest challenge, and one that I’m currently working on, is cutting out ALL single- use plastic from my life. It's all about willpower. It’s really easy to grab a plastic-packaged ice cream bar when I’m stressed or a package of chips when I’m starving and rushed in between meetings.

As someone who also tries to live as sustainably and as ethically as possible, I sometimes feel frustrated, like the little things I do are futile. Do you ever feel like that?

Though most days I really, really love my lifestyle, there are days where I’m tempted to break the rules that I’ve imposed on myself. Honestly, what keep me going are my faith and just a deep connection that I feel with the people who make my clothes and the other goods that I buy. For me, living ethically is how I interpret the Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If my life circumstances had landed me in a sweatshop, I’d want someone to be standing up for me and to refuse to be a part of my exploitation. It just makes sense to me to use the privilege I have to do as much good as possible with my everyday actions and decisions. Even if I can’t personally end unfair labor conditions in the garment industry by the relatively small amount of ethical purchases that I make, I am taking a stand against injustice, standing in solidarity with my people around the world.

You have made meaningful encounters here in the Philippines. Would you mind sharing some stories?

Last year when I launched A Beautiful Refuge, I sat with my new friend M over steaming bowls of tinola and learned about how she was just a teenager when she started working in clothing manufacturing for brands like The Disney Company and Victoria's Secret. She made very little, and by the time she'd paid for her transportation fare to and from the factory and for food, there wasn't much left.

A few weeks ago I talked with K, another friend who worked in the garment industry before she was sucked into a life of commercial sexual exploitation through promise of more income and an easier method of survival. I felt a wave of hot anger pass through me as I thought of the wealthy high-level employees of the same multi-billion-dollar companies that "couldn't afford" to pay my friend and countless workers like her a few more dollars a month. How can they live with themselves when their success comes at the expense of the broken lives of others? 

Yet you seem to approach such a grave subject with light and positivity. What keeps you motivated?

I learned early on that the best way to encourage others to try making more ethical lifestyle choices wasn’t by using guilt or shame. Asking someone how many slaves were involved in building their closet is more likely to make a person defensive and offended than to make them receptive to learning how they can promote kindness and justice through their wardrobe choices. Instead, I try to get people around me excited about ethical and minimal living and promote the positive and freeing impact it can have on their lives. You can’t go around pointing fingers at people and expect them to change. I think that joy and compassion are much more powerful motivators than guilt and shame, anyway. I love hearing from readers of my blog who have switched to more sustainable habits. My family has also been really affected by the way I live, which is really cool. One of my four brothers, in particular, is even more hardcore than I am with his minimalist lifestyle now—a classic case of the student surpassing the teacher.

Ethical fashion is usually perceived as elitist, reserved for those who have an elevated spending capability. For people living within a budget, fast fashion stores offer an affordable way to shop and have a style. What do you think of this?

It’s true that ethical fashion can seem unattainable for fashion enthusiasts on a budget. Clothing that is made responsibly, of course, has a higher price tag to ensure that there’s enough of a profit to pay the workers who made those garments fairly. However, there are lots of ways to watch your spending, prioritize ethical goods, and still have great style like using what you already have. There is no shame in repeating an outfit. Re-make and re-style the pieces you already own. Most of us have items in our closets that we’ve never worn, or that we’ve worn only a few times, so how can we creatively re-think the way we use those items so that they’ll have a regular rotation in our wardrobes? There's also buying secondhand. Ukay-ukay shopping may not be glamorous, but it’s an affordable way to add unique items to your wardrobe and keep textiles out of the landfill at the same time.

You also mentioned buying less and buying better.

Yes! Instead of spending P500 a month on cheap T-shirts and tank tops that you’ll need to replace in a few months when they fade and rip, save up for three months and spend P1,500 on a beautiful blouse or pair of recycled shoes made locally. Ethical fashion isn’t that far off from the prices you’re used to paying for name brands. Here in the Philippines, you can often purchase beautiful, ethically and locally made goods for the same price as buying something from a popular British or American brand. If you’ve ever bought an over-priced, brand-name item, you can afford an ethical fashion purchase. It's really about choosing and making an effort to find out what's out there, which companies are manufacturing with as little social and environmental havoc as possible.

[andreafestefano]

My Design Dash room reveal!

Wow what a wonderful weekend! I hope yours was lovely as well! The weather and company were both perfect -- it was awesome. Things are slowing waaaay down this week after a very busy few weeks and I'm so thankful. Just some end of the year school stuff and our normal commitments. Which means I can get back to the bathroom makeover! 

So I've been SO excited to share this experience with you! A few weeks ago I traveled to High Point, NC to attend the Lazboy Design Dash. Friends of mine had done it in the past and said it was a bit stressful at times but totally worth it. I am not a person that thrives on deadlines or competition so I was a little worried about attending. AND as you know it takes me eons to finish a room so I was questioning whether or not I could pull a respectable space together in just a few hours. 

This is how it goes -- they select a group of bloggers (I think we had seven) and we each designed a Lazboy sofa to go in our room. We had no idea what the room would look like but they encouraged us to go with color. The only colors I would do on a sofa personally are navy or gray, so I went with the former: 

I have to tell you -- I was so incredibly impressed with this store. The designer on staff helped me pick out the sofa, fabrics and details. She was so patient with me and I LOVED that as I added each detail she could show me on a huge TV screen exactly what it would look like. I miss the larger shot of the sofa but this gives you an idea: 

So if I changed a detail it would immediately change on the screen. It was so helpful to be able to see it in "real life." 

Our sofas were built for us and shipped to High Point where they waited. The only other detail than the sofa that I knew about was the paint color. I picked Agreeable Gray by Sherwin Williams and it turned out even better than I could have hoped! 

On the first day we did the "dash" through two stories of the Lazboy showroom. We had carts and stickers with our names and two helpers who were with us the whole time. We only had one hour to grab anything and everything we thought we'd need. Keep in mind we still had absolutely no idea what our room would look like! We didn't know the size, any architectural details -- it was difficult to decide on items and had to just grab anything we liked. 

We had 50 stickers each. So if someone tagged something before you did, it was taken. I should have prepared myself better and had a list of things I needed. It was 30 minutes in before I realized I needed a rug. Literally EVERY single one I like was tagged already and I was panicking a bit. I was so close to just going without one when I finally saw one I really loved back in a corner. 

I forgot about pillows too -- I designed some with the sofa but I needed other options and some for chairs as well. That was another item that was hard to find at the end but I ended up finding some great ones I used. 

My helpers were so awesome -- when the cart got full they would run my stuff back to the holding room and then come back out to help again. Thankfully one of them mentioned I would need more artwork -- I'm so glad she said that! I felt bad that I tagged so much furniture and large art (I hated that they'd have to move so much for all of us and we wouldn't even use half of it), but I just had to get over it. When you don't have any idea what the room looks like you have to over compensate big time. 

The next day was the design part of the event. We were taken to a huge warehouse where they have a number of fake rooms set up. Not even the Lazboy staff with us knew what room we were going to get. We walked down the hall and literally every. single. room was stunning. I'm not kidding! Gorgeous 10 foot windows and doors with ornate trim, beautiful wainscoting, tons of windows, built in bookcases and fireplaces. One even had a dutch door - adorable! 

And we came to mine...I freaked out just a bit. It had two normal windows and a "hallway" -- I wondered how in the world I was going to match the beauty of the other rooms. Thankfully I won a draw for an added accent wall or fireplace -- they had one traditional fireplace and I grabbed that thing up quick! 

Here's my room to start -- imagine it without the fireplace though: 

Just wait till you see the other rooms! I mean, I was nervous. 😬

BUT I immediately knew how I was going to set up the room, so that was good! I had a good feeling about it once that fireplace went in. 

One thing that surprised me about this process was how much gorgeous furniture -- other than sofas and chairs -- Lazboy sells. I was shocked at the sofa table, coffee table and bookcase options. I found so many bookcases I would add in our house in a heartbeat if we had the room! (Still trying to figure out if I could add one somewhere.)

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed putting the room together. I think it was so enjoyable because I was working with tons of awesome stuff and I didn't have to DIY one thing. ;) It was so fun to just bring the stuff into the room and fluff until it looked just right. We had photographers that set up our shot and we were able to look at it live through the lens to see what we wanted to tweak. 

I don't think I could have been happier with my space! I would literally take the whole room and drop it into our home and it would fit in perfectly. I'm happy that I was able to stay true to my style.

Here are a few close ups of the room: 

All of the accessories (except for books and smaller random items from the massive prop room) are Lazboy. Did you know they sold accessories and lamps? I didn't! 

 Here's another look at my room after I "won" the fireplace:

And here's my completed room. I just adore it: 

As I do in our home -- I focused on not overdoing it. I wanted the room to have space to breath so you can appreciate each piece. It feels comfy but elegant at the same time. Just my style. 

I'll share more of the details below! If you are so inclined, I'd love your vote for my room here. I'll explain more about that in a bit! Here's a fun video they created of me and my room you can watch as well:

I love how the whole thing came together and I ended up really liking my little hallway. It added some great dimension to the room. 

Isn't that sofa gorgeous? I added the brass nailhead trim and it was the perfect little detail: 

Love it with the metallic lamp I happened to find -- I want that in my house. And the coffee tables. And rug. Everything. 

Here are a few more shots I took of the room: 

This arched bookcase was stunning -- I was so sad I couldn't work it into the shot. But glad too because I didn't grab enough accessories to fill it with! ;)

I didn't realize we could use drapes until they were mostly gone. Thankfully this window above didn't fit into the shot because there was only one pair of panels left. :) 

I am SO thankful I got that fireplace! It added some architectural detail that the room needed. AND I'm glad I grabbed that massive clock at the showroom: 

Here are the details about the sofa/room: 

Sofa name: Talbot 

Sofa fabric: Canyon in Eclipse 

Wall color: Agreeable gray by Sherwin Williams

You can see the chairs and more items here

But LISTEN! This is the best part! This is a competition for the bloggers -- and I HATE to beg for votes for these things. I mean, hate. But, if you vote, one voter will win $15,000 in Lazboy furniture. So if you want some free furniture you can vote once a day to be entered. 

The voting will go for the next six weeks and you can vote for my room here. If one of my readers wins I will lose it! 😊😊 Please make it be one of you! :) :) 

I get to work with some amazing brands and take some awesome trips and this was a favorite. They treated us like gold and the whole event was so well planned and executed. I am a forever fan after this experience. And I just love my room so much. I wish I could plop it right into our house! With a ceiling of course: 

I would love your vote if you have a few minutes! :) But more importantly, I'm just so happy with what I was able to pull together in such a short time. It was such a great experience! 

My trip to NC was paid for by Lazboy but I have not been compensated for this post and was not required to post. I was so impressed with the experience I wanted to share it with you all! See more about my disclosure and policies here. 

This content is property of Thrifty Decor Chick LLC. If you are reading this on any other site other than http://ift.tt/1kRxOJ2 or one of her social media platforms, please contact her immediately (thriftydecorchick at gmail dot com). Any other use of this content is strictly forbidden.

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