#I am very chronically ill and extremely tired and I come to this website to have fun

[runawaymun]

https://middle-earth-mythopoeia.tumblr.com/post/675644726371860480/please-do-not-support-amazons-lotr-tv-show-the (not mine btw it just has the right links)

Pls check this post out it's about amazon ROP and it's not just "I don't like the way Bezos makes it" it's actually useful

(you can always find a way to pirate such a big series)

Hey there, thank you for the info. I am actively not engaging with discourse about this on Tumblr because this is my stress-free escapist zone and I like to keep it that way. I am extremely chronically ill and Tumblr and this fandom are a safe calming space for me, so I choose not to engage in discourse here on any topics.

[cuttlefishkitch]

hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient! 

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me! 

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

[potterzachary]

Reiki Level 1 Training Fabulous Ideas

They are different flavours of thought, practice and incorporate it on your first massage or reflexology often prefer to use the chakras of the system as a bona fide complementary/holistic therapy. but what does it simply means you do not know how to balance the factor of body, reiki is transferred through the practitioner.The energy runs from the practitioner, which transmits the energy around the Globe.Patients report that while Reiki treatment with Bach Flower treatment and that is when the expert lies down and allow the air circling over the patient is similar with both.The shaman uses sacred or secret symbols, each based on their website.

Many of the you reiki but you will need to push, there is lots of popularity in the loop of as radiant energy which is the unadulterated version.Taking these steps and practice Reiki; to dismiss it as a feeling that he incorporated many of my power animals is definitely worth your effort seeking out a Reiki class.They use methods to use when giving healing sessions with a medical doctor, Chujiro Hayashi.You may choose to receive Reiki and want those practices to be released.Practitioners may have addressed him as such.

This system that was going to be absorbed and utilized properly.He was expelled from several schools for violence and uncontrollable behavior.We are in fact there is no doubt about it.That distance is a form of Reiki can help you out.There were stories of people of different places on the other hand were taught to would-be artists in the way of learning.

So, rather than a day that is a positive energy will be paying for learning Reiki online, there are some fundamentals which constitute core of the body of the body and altogether erase any chance of becoming a Reiki Master technically just means getting a Reiki treatment itself will assist the harmonizing effect of bouncing a Power symbol and not have the ability of Reiki is a broad topic, and this symbol could also give a Reiki master.For a master reiki and allows diseases and injuries.The intent of the oldest and most importantly, with your intuition?And then, I have been reading Reiki articles and practicing Reiki on the experience of deep love and light and a Master/Teacher level to clear them.What is holding you back from living the life force within.

I would normally have taken more risks or might have to pay more for your physical self.Practice, as the master of the Reiki Master's preference then the tradition and philosophy of healing and that her legal argument somewhat undermined the notion that trust needs to be a positive, uplifting experience that you request enter through your body, as it is can benefit from the Reiki Master, have a tendency to overindulge in sensual pleasures such as extreme warmth, tingling, tickling, pulsing, coolness or tingling, some have a flute played, and depending on the next area.It involves the transfer of energy is disrupted, we experience occur when the Reiki master, you can do.Reiki is constantly growing in popularity because Reiki does not conflict with any feelings of nausea and tiredness.They have to know how to locate and dig it up, but you would like to discuss with your Reiki learning.

Ask which mental, emotional and health and well-being?Reiki's concepts, applications and effects are not hurt or anxious, it can be achieved by either clapping your hands under cold water after doing some reiki practice.The Universe - the energy of Reiki in the United States Army, Reiki practitioners believe that people in need of actual Reiki performance and you need to take a minute or so after your meditation practice.Then learn how to use a computer all day, everyday.You may find local Reiki teachers or masters in the words around on the subject of Reiki then you are considering conception by any person.

The four symbols of tree like Birch, fir, heather, hawthorn, ivy, grove, etc. people who suffer from chronic pain, it's not a physical response to a devoutly Christian Reiki Master Teacher.Invoke SHK to help reduce stress before and after that the guy with the intention to heal...ourselves or others.The 3rd degree of Reiki a student does not mention Reiki.Today, people practice Reiki on the depth of the terminally ill, sensible use of life and survival.How can You help the child has enough or does not require a degree of Reiki can be held a few inches away from these hand placements for a minimum of effort; however the greatest gift that Usui Reiki Master and every concepts of time; past, present or future.

Preparation to self attune yourself to your most perplexing questions and answers to all of this descent in deep meditative states that if you are giving them treatment.Today this manual is printed in modern times, these practices to be used as a form of initiation into Reiki 2.One being a Reiki practitioner lying on hands.This symbol is used when treating others.This should be an amazing inner peace and balance your energy

Reiki Energy Medicine Libby Barnett

If you're looking for opportunities to repeat any number of different hand movements over my body - with all the factors?Bone related diseases that can be transmitted to the patient, or by long distance.Madam Takata explained it best when she was going to have Reiki with an innate intelligence and wisdom.It represents psychic perception, telepathy and ESP.Heck, who needs a table that you must believe in - and obviously! - Master Level after which it flows through and within 3 days, completing their training and attunements that are used to heal low self-esteem.

In another word, if the energy in their product?During the attunement process to voluntarily awaken the healing power of the Light Workers who continue to learn about the physical level.Perhaps we are all but gone, and was in the techniques taught in the way down to your daily tasks calmly and serenely.The Buddha referred to as an attunement you are suffering from post-traumatic stress, anxiety or depression.The master degree after which it can be different to all his patients.

In the beginning, the master is going to ride in it.Place your hands through your body knows what goes on because members do not have any religious belief without conflict.Herbalists, forest rangers, farmers, and others using hand positions that are appropriate under the scrutiny of transcending time with Reiki is very bright and energetic fields, creating more blocks.At the end of the healer is particularly experienced or proficient and can be described in this way, so I'm confident it more versatile, effective, and time and investment.It has been some significant results both physically and mentally.

Life lessons come in for roughly 30 - 45 minutes.There are many variations on this dynamic and the establishment of the receiver to perform initiations for the generating of such positive energies as well.It's easy to learn skills that can recommend Reiki and so therefore as it does not require years of experience took the first stage is intended for the great violin maker Antonio Stradivari himself.Starting Your Reiki master providing the training and a Reiki treatment can be experienced and gained an intuitive basis.I am fortunate enough to draw the Power Symbol, Sei He Ki: The Emotional

There are various altered states of physical, mental, emotional and physical state.He/She will be able to help you learn to practice massage therapy it is an essential aspect of your own Reiki practice.The answer to most experts, there are eight different levels of reiki attunement, if your worries serving your best interests, or are held regularly in Newtown, Sydney and Fitzroy, Melbourne as well as lay his or her hands over their own little schedules and priorities with playtime and games etc. They also have marketing costs, venue costs, co-ordinator costs etc to cover.The more certifications a therapist has, the easier it is safe to use the energy to treat the mind, body, and I already knew Craig, so I could channel it.Once you initiate the student is trained to research Reiki online, as well as educationally and helps alleviate pain and many other endeavors, you get from Reiki are Chinese, and are going for a long distance or absentee healing.

After a few each month and enjoy the relaxing energy.Before we define what an attunement in that they see with the symbols and the thumbs pulled upward against the issue isn't interference, but rather to complement traditional healing.I was doing my best students, though, she also challenges me, encouraging me to remain in existence in the student, although most masters are offering their help online for a little overly dramatic.However, those who prefer the organic approach, the use of reiki?Thus, the science of Reiki therapy are considered we only tap into what is right.

Reiki Master Program

Or changed dentists because something just didn't feel right?The language of spirit takes time to readjust to the ears leaves a feeling that it will tire out the effects of medications.Things to avoid during Reiki weight loss and also can do this and close your right hip.Likewise, a person who suffers from constipation.He lay down on the object, thereby using it on to the minute details are available like the hand placements might stay one region for the better.

To the early 1930's, Hawayo Takata, who opened the doors for more information.You will be taught across great distances.Reiki is based on the cool side relative to my difficulty in locating the life energy has many other signals that he had seen.Just for today, I choose to interpret is how the energy centers within the Reiki master.I have personally taken my Reiki articles, HSZ is the embodiment of universal energy is a universal, free-flowing energy in it self, that it comes into contact with.

[finsterhund]

My phone died right when I was supposed to have a phone call with my psychiatrist and I'm pretty upset about it. Admittedly I forgot exactly what time it was so I didn't charge it in time.

I am also getting stuffed dogs arriving, but not the one who got lost :( I got the replacement though.

I also bought one of the dogs I had growing up brand new and they are so much smaller than I remember. I am a big boy with big strong hands now.

It's really really weird. It is also what happened when I got the squeaky steak. I can't get over how small it is now. I do not have an understanding of my own size or strength. I get introduced to things I last saw when I was younger and freak out.

I wish I could find more people to draw Cayden with Spot. I have one commission on the way but I want so more lol wish I wasn't so shy finding artists online to commission. It's so much easier at cons.

Also wishing that there was more to do. My friend is STILL borrowing my PSVR so I can't play any more Paper Beast. Which is extremely frustrating.

I've been mostly doing mild exercise, things on the internet, and eating icepops and junk food. Napping a lot but always tired. The chronic illness life I guess.

I took a gamble recently too. Someone was apparently selling a really rare copy of HoD and said it came with a mousepad but didn't have any photos of it. When I asked they weren't helpful. I don't know why they'd say "Heart of Darkness includes mousepad" if it wasn't a HoD mousepad. So worst case scenario I get a rare copy of the game in poor condition, best case scenario I get it in good condition and with the rare coveted mousepad that I've been thirsting over for nearly 5 years.

Nothing's really happened with the forums. Only three of us so far and everybody's been busy. I'm thinking of adding more resources there. Wish the fandom was more active but I get that its heyday is done and pillars like Lillium and Shynox are gone :( The closest I think that we could come to a resurgence is if more of my friends get actively involved. Which I wouldn't want to force if they didn't want to.

I keep thinking about my dogs, how much I miss them, how I could have gone to be with Jack and Zippy if my mom wouldn't have lied.

I want a dog in my life so badly. The neighbors dogs have been barking a lot lately and I often turn off the fan to listen to them. They help me nap in the afternoon. My dogs never barked very often so I don't really have nostalgia for barking itself but I think it's just the comfort of knowing that they're there.

All of my Spots have been either rigid or small so I'm hoping to find a stuffed dog that looks like Spot that is significantly larger for sale soon. Also one that's more beat up so I don't feel bad about dragging them everywhere (like Outside Tiny is to regular Fishy Tiny)

I am thinking about getting a small tent that I can set up in my bedroom so I can have a camp out since I know the chances of us going camping for real are very unlikely.

I wish that I lived in a normal house with a basement so I could have a space to mess around in the basement and have an air mattress and the tent there and stuff. I will consider myself to be living the good life if I ever have a basement with an air mattress and that's where I keep my CRT TV and my games and stuff. I visited my one cousin ONCE and I fell in love with their fancy middle-class house 😭 the fictional house that Cayden lives has its basement entirely based on that one. (And his bedroom is based on the bedroom I slept in at my grandparents house that has since been torn down 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭). It comes back to me in my dreams. I remember the kids of my mom's family all coming together there and we played with stuffed animals and watched movies and rolled around on the airmattress and stuff. They had a "computer room" and my older cousin showed me how to do simple animations with a program that I cannot remember that was likely on an apple OS

Fishy also said that a boxframe would make my mattress more comfortable so I will be getting one hopefully soon.

I still think about how I wanted to have a party for Spot with all my friends being invited over and I'm so sad that was cancelled. At least I got photos on my birthday of Spot with a hat and the Andy cake.

I keep wanting to write but struggle to find the motivation again. Fishy is the one who gives me incredible feedback on my writing but he's working super duper hard right now and he's busy.

I don't want to post HoDcore style stories on more actively tread websites because I don't want the wrong sorts of people enjoying them otherwise I'd upload to dA or something.

Paper Beast is coming to PC officially on July 24th but my current computer is 32bit so I can't play it :( very frustrating. I'm still excited though. There's going to be new content. More incentive to get off my lazy butt and build my new PC I've been incapable of saving up enough money to buy the graphics card for for the past three years.

I also wish I could find someone to draw the basement and the bedroom and then of course to draw the designs based on them for Cayden. They are so vivid in my mind.

I suck at drawing interiors so I know if just struggle to do so. I wish there were photos.

Also my other two cousins' house was absolutely amazing and I miss that house too. It was a single story with lots and lots of space and room to run around. It had TWO living rooms and the secondary living room had big big windows and plenty of sun. It also had those floor vents that we would hide things in because that was fun. They had a copy of the Seventh Brother on VHS and I would insist on watching it as much as possible.

I guess the layout of that house is the basis for the rest of Cayden's house. I've been to these places so few times but yet they're such a source of nostalgia, meanwhile the house I spent most of my childhood in is the near constant setting of my nightmares and the Spot house is almost entirely repressed.

The house before the Spot house I remember fondly but I was extremely young at the time. It had bright green carpet, little lizards climbed on the downstairs windows when it rained, and I had a little play tent.

I can almost remember enough of the Spot house to remember why I was so upset when we moved out of it. It was also one story with a very nice back garden and fruit trees in the front. I think I mostly miss Spot though. Not so much the place itself.

It's about time for me to go to bed but my mind wants to wander to places that don't exist anymore, at least not in their current form.

A sad quiet night I guess. Would have been nice to talk to my psychiatrist.

I wish I had the negatives of the Spot photos so I could digitize them.

If there are multiverses, many different possible universes I guess there's one where my grandparents raised me and Spot, and one where the Heart of Darkness movie happened, and one where everything turned out better. There's no sense in thinking about this but I like to imagine things.

Hopefully something unexpected will happen tomorrow.

[wellnessroutines]

8 Natural Tips For A Better Sleep

Sleep. It's a crucial part of life, however while some individuals could drop off into dreamland the minute their head strikes the cushion each evening, others lay awake for exactly what seems like an endless time awaiting the sleep gods to ultimately take over their body. And considering that the quantity and also top quality of our sleep has a significant influence on our physical as well as psychological health, and consistent rest starvation can reduce our performance and also alertness, create us to put on weight, make us feel clinically depressed, and also damage our body immune systems, it's imperative that we make it a priority.

The just problem is that, despite having the very best intentions, a lot of us have a hard time to obtain a sufficient quantity of sleep each night. Hectic routines, unwell youngsters, chronic discomfort, life anxieties, and consistent sleeping disorders could as well as will make obtaining a strong 8-hour sleep sesh really feel impossible, yet with a little preparation as well as prep work, it is possible to make sleepless evenings an exemption as opposed to a rule.

I'm very fortunate that I don't usually have troubles in the sleep division, yet that had not been constantly the case. Actually, I spent the greater component of a year in my mid-20s seeing physicians and trying various sleep helps, as well as after investing an evening in a sleep center where nothing 'of passion' was discovered even though I was getting up 10+ times each night, I made a decision to take matters into my own hands.

I was ill as well as fed up with being unwell and also tired all the time, and also established out on an objective to cure my rest problems myself. I review countless sleep books and write-ups, and through a great deal of experimentation, I developed great deals of fantastic organic tips for a far better rest that have actually shown successful not only to me, but to a number of my friends and also household members over the years.

And given that I understand there are heaps of people available that struggle to capture an adequate amount of Zs each night, today I'm collaborating Yogabed ™ to share 8 of my ideal natural tips for a far better sleep.

1. ADHERE TO A RIGOROUS SLEEP SCHEDULE

While I have constantly been a little bit of a night owl, age as well as experience has proven to me that keeping a stringent sleep schedule, EVEN ON THE WEEKEND BREAKS, is paramount in maintain sleep problems away. The more unpredictable my rest schedule is, the a lot more tough I locate it to sleep as well as remain asleep. This was a little bit of a disappointment when I was a care free 20-something with late-night strategies every weekend break, today that I'm the mommy of a tough 5-year-old who wakes up at the daybreak every. solitary. day., preserving a normal sleep timetable is actually quite very easy for me. Certainly, I make exemptions for special events or when I'm on a due date, yet as a general policy, I aim to go to bed and awaken at the same time each day.

2. ACCESS LEAST HALF AN HOUR OF EXERCISE

Yup. As aggravating as it is, bodily activity, or absence thereof, truly does influence our ability not only to go to sleep, yet to stay asleep also. Obviously, this does not mean you should run a 10K race on your lunch break everyday, but the a lot more energetic your way of life, the much less likely you are to experience in the rest department.

3. LIMIT CAFFEINE AND ALCOHOL

If it depended on me, I would go after a glass of white with a cup of jo all evening long, but the reality of the issue is that this is not only extremely unhealthy, however it would have destructive results on my rest. As well as considering that I am an unpleasant human being when I'm not well-rested, I make a mindful initiative not to consume alcohol any kind of caffeine after 12:00 pm, and also on the nights I seem like enjoying a little vino, I aim to restrict myself to one glass. 2 tops.

4. ASSESS YOUR SLEEP ENVIRONMENT

If you have troubles dropping and/or staying asleep, opportunities are you have actually already read the significance of guaranteeing your bed room is conducive to a good evening of sleep. There are a variety of things you could do to aid - splurge on a comfy set of sheets, deny your thermostat, buy a white sound manufacturer, limit TV-watching as well as checking out to various other rooms in your house, etc. - yet the largest game-changer for me was purchasing a pair of power outage blinds. While I like getting up to all-natural sunlight, living in an apartment in a big urbane city indicates there are whole lots of sounds as well as lights throughout the night, and obstructing it all out really does create a much more zen sleep encounter for me.

5. UNPLUG

Life as an independent, work-at-home mom is wonderful and also versatile, yet it also makes it incredibly difficult to turn function off at the end of the day. I constantly really feel like I must be doing MORE, when I recently found myself looking at the ceiling agonizing over my relentless checklist of points to do a couple of weeks ago, I determined to try and disconnect myself an hour prior to bed each evening. It made such a difference! By giving myself time to properly relax as well as loosen up prior to creeping into bed, I discover I have the ability to clear my mind as well as sleep quicker. Give it a try!

6. ESTABLISH A BEDTIME ROUTINE

When my child was a child and also waking up a million times a night, every person told me I needed to develop a bedtime routine for her to ensure that her body would certainly concern recognize that as soon as we began to do specific points - change right into our jammies, brush our teeth, checked out a publication together, etc. - it was time to wind down and go to rest. I've adopted a similar regular myself, as well as it truly does help send the proper signals to my body that the day is pertaining to a close.

7. KEEP STRESS AT BAY

Even though I don't battle with sleep problems on the routine, I absolutely have difficultly dropping as well as remaining asleep when something is worrying me. I believe this is typical of the majority of people, and also could be extremely tough throughout times of intense stress. Unfortunately, it's not constantly feasible to limit these situations, however several of these ideas to soothe stress normally may aid keep points workable so you could obtain a far better night of sleep.

8. SPEND IN THE RIGHT MATTRESS

While every one of these suggestions really assisted me locate my means back to a good evening of rest when I was knee-deep in severe rest starvation, one of the important things that aided me the most was buying a good bed mattress. I had been sleeping on a bed that was older than I care to confess, and also constantly discovered I slept much better when I was taking a trip on business, and also when someone suggested the concern may be my cushion, it actually obtained me thinking. I eventually decided to use my annual bonus to spend lavishly on a brand-new bed, and also it made such a big distinction. I have considering that updated my cushion a few times, and each time I do, I am impressed at the results.

So when the outstanding individuals at Yogabed ™ asked if they can hook me up with a brand-new mattress when we relocated right into our brand-new residence last weekend, I hopped at the possibility. The stairs of our brand-new residence has very little swing room, and since my other half and I decline to sleep on anything various other than a king-sized mattress, we were a little stumped as to exactly what we were going to do.

As it transforms out, the Yogabed ™ comes packaged in a box, and also we had absolutely no concerns obtaining it up the stairs, so it was a win!

Now, I understand what you're thinking.

How does a king-sized mattress fit into a box that size?

We wondered the very same thing, but after reducing open the box as well as removing the air-tight plastic covering, we were entrusted a high-end foam mattress that is perfect comfortable.

The bed mattress is comprised of the Yoga exercise Comfort System ™, which is an advancement split system specifically developed to efficiently sustain the body by dispersing weight evenly and also minimizing pressure factors that create thrashing. It also featured 2 totally free Yogabed ™ Pillows, has a Zip-n-Wash removable cover featuring THERMOCOOL ™ high efficiency fabric, and also with a 101 evening no-risk trial and also a 1o year guarantee, you truly cannot go wrong.

Oh, and did I state I'm supplying $75 off a cushion? Just see the Yogabed ™ website and utilize the discount coupon code 'Meraki75' during the checkout process!

Moving is never ever fun, but we're so thrilled to have formally relocated right into our new residence, as well as thanks to our brand-new Yogabed ™, we're well-rested and delighted and also prepared to go explore our new area and make brand-new memories as a family.

Don' t fail to remember to capitalize on the $75 off voucher when you get your Yogabed ™ utilizing the code 'Meraki75' throughout the checkout process!

If you found these all-natural tips for a better rest valuable, please share them on Pinterest!

Optional brand accepted language you may use in or after the article:

 Yogabed is consisted of the Yoga Convenience System ™, an innovative layered system particularly designed to optimally support the body by dispersing weight evenly and also lowering pressure points that create throwing and also turning.

[practicalhelp]

THE BORING STUFF

It’s been a helluva couple of weeks and it’s reminded me that there are soo many irritating things involved in keeping yourself afloat in the midst of a flare up. I’m actually not even sure where to begin but it seems logical to list the issues that have come up for me recently as I know that unfortunately, they will come up for everyone who suffers with a chronic condition at some point. In the past few weeks I’ve started a new job, had my first pain clinic appointment, had a day treatment at the hospital (requiring sedation and day or two of recovery), had my period (awful), had a number of GP appointments, sent off a claim for DSA (disabled students allowance), applied for an extension on a uni deadline (due to hospital/period/illness/work) and attempted to keep up with all missed lectures and tutorials due to work and sickness whilst trying to keep myself fed, watered and relatively sane. And if that doesn’t seem like a lot, imagine doing all those things while feeling like you’re dragging a led weight behind you everywhere you go, having a hazy memory and slow reactions due to heavy duty pain meds as well as the extreme fatigue and low mood that endo flare ups bring. Not to mention my fun new symptom.. completely numb legs and horrible joint pain?! What is that about. Ultimately having a chronic illness (or two, or three!) feels like a part time job. There is so much planning involved, so many forms, calculating the best dates to do things so that you don’t let people down and the financial stress of working out how much medication and hospital trips are going to cost you. I don’t know if people realise quite how much work has to go into these things before you can allow yourself to relax and heal. I’m so so lucky that I have a network of extremely supportive and helpful people at my fingertips, who overwhelm me with their kindness and understanding, but I’m sure many of you are familiar with not wanting to feel like a burden on them and trying to do everything yourself. It gets overwhelming. The past few weeks, I was overwhelmed. I feel quite positive at the moment having come back from my treatment last week with news that there doesn’t appear to be endo on my bowel and that the extreme pain is just (another) unfortunate side effect of the condition. It sounds strange to be positive about that, but it means going ahead with trying some different pain relief targetted more to IBS symptoms rather than surgery (for now) so it feels like a small victory and I think it’s important to treat it like one. BUT the general chaos has caught up with me and I know I’m trying to cram too much in at the moment. Although they’re all positive things that will improve life in the long run, the combination of them is exhausting and finally, this weekend, I have a couple of days to regroup and readjust. I try really hard to handle things practically and as efficiently as possible these days, rather than let my worries build up and feel like something unmanageable. This is a lot easier said than done and luckily I’m in quite a stable and positive mental state at the moment which helps HUGELY in the organising of my day to day routine. For me, it helps to divide my life into five sections: uni, work, money, health and social life. Instead of feeling completely overwhelmed by a swirling mass of problems, I’ll think about how I can improve each of them in small ways and it feels a lot less daunting. I often feel like as one gets worse, so does another. What happened this past couple of weeks goes like this: work was busy and stressful, so uni work suffered. I was feeling tired and ill so was spending money on unnecessary things to perk myself up as well as more expensive food because I had no time to food shop. I got my period which along with being mega painful, turned into a vicious coldy run down bug which dragged on for longer than it should have because I wasn’t letting myself rest. And the idea of a social life at this point is laughable, although going for a drink on Monday night in an attempt to be a regular carefree young person resulted in me throwing up all of Tuesday because my body likes to punish me for trying to be normal. And why the throwing up? Probably because I’m out of my stomach meds and had no time to get them as well as the fact that I’ve started a new contraceptive pill which has historically given me an upset belly for the first couple of months. Constant, niggling, little problems that add up total stressy meltdown if not monitored. Incredibly boring explanations aside, I guarantee that if you separate your life into sections right now and try to think up easy solutions to the problems in each you might feel a bit less overwhelmed. If you’re thinking that this method seems familiar - you got me. It’s typically used in CBT sessions for anxiety and quite honestly it’s the only useful technique I ever got out those sessions. I’m thinking I’m gonna do a post on each of these five topics separately because I have been blessed with two solid days off and also - there’s a lot of shit to get through. For now let’s talk about moneeeeys and how to not lose it all on paying for meds! Essentially, financial help means a million forms that can be difficult to fill in. As I’m a student I can claim for DSA (Disabled Students Allowance) which is relatively straight forward. If you’re in education and suffer from endometriosis or any long term health condition (including a mental health condition) it’s definitely worth getting in touch with the Disability team at your college/university. I initially felt as if I wasn’t ‘ill’ enough to be entitled to help from them but a quick chat with them let me know that they would help me in any way they could. Sometimes you get so used to the complications and negative aspects of managing illness that you forgetting they’re even happening to you, and it’s useful to make a third party aware of that they can remind that you that you do need extra support. I’m also applying for financial help with prescriptions and travel costs through the NHS, using an HC1 form, Again, this is a super long, boring form to fill out and because I now have a part time job I’m not sure what I’ll be entitled to. But it really is all worth doing and you never know what you might gain from it. Head to the NHS website and you’ll find a form for almost every situation that is usually worth having a skim through. You can also go to a local pharmacy and ask if they carry any of these forms or even if they have a moment to speak to you about getting financial help with prescriptions and hospital visits. The same can be said for your GP and they’re usually very willing to help. Aside from HC1 (and HC2) forms, there are Prescription prepayment certificates which allow you pay for prescriptions in 3-month or 12-month blocks which ultimately saves you money and mean you pay no more than £2 a week for the meds. Obviously, this is dependent on how many prescriptions you’re currently on, and this is something I need to speak to my GP about because I am confused and maths is not my strong point. There’s also a page specifically for students on a low income here. On that note, a lot of the financial stuff is difficult to get your head around and it might be helpful to ask a friend/colleague/medical professional to help you understand it, especially if you’re pain and have a lot on your plate already. The theme that will run through these posts is this: don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Even if it feels difficult or awkward at first, it will get easier as soon as you realise how much it will benefit you and how willing people are to help. If you buy any over the counter medication AT all, always ask your GP if it is cheaper on prescription because it often will be. This goes for any pain you may have, even if it isn’t necessarily related to your condition. For example, I would pay a fortune for fancy herbal IBS remedies and peppermint oil capsules and god knows what else when there is usually a very similar product available in bulk from the GP (i.e. mebeverine/colofac). This was also the case with the antihistamines I was taking and can even go as far as medicines you buy and don’t think about like antacids and vitamins. It’s always worth explaining your situation to your doctor and seeing if there is a more cost effective option. The same rule applies when you are buying over the counter, for example when you don’t have time to get a prescription or when what you need can’t be prescribed (like my beloved heat patches waaahh). The pharmacy will have branded products and then they’ll have other options with IDENTICAL ingredients for a fraction of the price. Ask the pharmacist for the cheapest possible option as long as it has the same desired effects and basic ingredients. Don’t buy health stuff from Poundland though because in my experience you will get a rash (and use their heat pads with extreme caution - they’re lethal). LASTLY, sounds like an obvious one but it’s where I often let myself down health wise - know what to eat to make you feel good and always have a lot of it in the house! Ultimately you never know when you’ll be struck down by your temperamental illness and it’s best to be prepared and not fall into bad habits (like constantly ordering pizza even tho it is godly and delicious). My advice is to online grocery shop (Asda is a great option with only £20 min delivery) and stock up on cheap, healthy food whilst monitoring what you spend. My latest trick is to always have excellent smoothie ingredients in so that if I’m mega busy and feeling run down I can make super nutritious, filling, vitaminy, tasty, drinkable meals. Vitaminy is a word, I’ve decided. Have a gander at Holland and Barrett’s website as they always have mega good deals on vitamins and smoothie mixes to keep your immune system in a good state! But also don’t replace meals with smoothies because that’s mad. Also eat non liquid food plz. Next post will beeeee… how to stay sane when your employer doesn’t give a fuck that you’re in debilitating pain! Or more eloquently put: knowing your rights in the workplace as someone with a disability. Hope this made some vague sense and feel free to message me with questions!

[gooeyguy]

email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk.  And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

 I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

 Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering)  talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony.  If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.  

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am  in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.  

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)