#I believe it is so deeply important to discuss these issues and not get anxious or combative if someome disagrees with you. learn why!!!

[wurmwizzard]

I'm noticing people on the internet posting leftist political tiktoks and saying "this is what the potential tik tok ban is taking away!! How will the teens know this!!! This is important information!!" as if there is NO other place you can research what's happening? in politics?? No, no, no TikTok, the foreign operated video platform, is the only conceivable place to get reliable information on US politics!

I'm not a conspiracy theorist thinking every person on tiktok is a chinese planted spy to turn American children into drooling idiots, but TikTok is a huuuuge platform used primarily by young, passionate teens and adults and I dunno. Just please, don't believe every tiktok you watch. If you 'learn' something, do a little extra digging. You'll be surprised how much inaccurate information, or just straight up fucking lying there is to see.... but that's also just social media as a whole.

[beauty-and-passion]

Hey! How are you? Just came across your blog recently, and I gotta say I absolutely love your theories!! I’m still catching up, but they’re so well thought out and deeply analyzed. It’s an absolute joy to read through, so thank you for all your interesting ideas!

I love theorizing myself too, and I’ve been wondering a bit about what the upcoming season finale of Sanders Sides will look like. Do you have any thoughts/theories on that?

I believe Joan mentioned we will have another 1/2 Asides before the finale of the current 2nd season. After FWSA (which apparently is playing an important part in the overall storyline according to the team), I feel like we might get an intense 2-vs-2 situation that could revolve around Thomas and Nico. Virgil and Roman on one side arguing Thomas is ready to start a relationship with Nico, and Patton and Janus on the other side arguing against it. Don’t know whether Nico would make a return so soon though, as it also feels Roman’s arc might become a vocal point in upcoming episodes (then again, the two could intertwine).

Anyway, do you have any ideas on how the finale would play out? Could we potentially get some Orange hints? (I am freaking out about him lately so would LOVE some more hints in next episodes lol.) Sorry if this is too long for an Ask Me Anything, still figuring out how to Tumblr. Would love to hear your thoughts!

First of all: thank you, I’m glad you like my theories! And I hope you will keep hanging around, because more will come in the future ;)

Second: don’t worry, this wasn’t a long ask :) it was nice to read your thoughts on the matter, because that’s not an easy one!

Third: o-oooh, what a question! I really love it! But I will also need some time to properly answer it, so I apologize in advance for my late reply.

Before starting, a premise. As you said, there will be two Asides, then a two-parts episode that will end season two. During every two-parts episode we visited the room of a new Core Side and considering we’re into Roman’s arc now, it’s pretty clear Roman’s room will be the next one. That also means this two-parts episode will be focused on Roman.

But Roman’s plot isn’t the only one we have now. There’s also:

The whole “Dark Sides relationship” (yes, I’m talking about you, Virgil and Janus)

Remus (his relationship with Roman, his functions, his future role in the creative process)

Logan and his issues

Considering that those are pretty big themes, I would develop them all in season three and just give some hints for now. There will be time to properly address them all later.

The only other plot I would keep is the one about Nico. During the first livesteam after FWSA, Thomas said he wanted to show how character!Thomas deals with a relationship. So yes, Nico IS a big deal, he will come back and the next big theme will probably be about him.

Having said that, here we are:

My Theories On The Next Two Asides And The Possible Ending Of Season Two.

_______________________________________

THE ASIDES

So we have three Asides and six Sides. Two of them were in the first Aside, so I would take them out for the other two.

We have now four Sides to see. Leaving one or two behind would have no sense, so I think we should see them all, two at a time.

Second Aside: Remus and Logan

Why the next Aside should be about them? Because we need to start talking about the creative process and how it isn’t just a purely “Roman” process, but something that requires Remus’ constant stream of ideas on one side and Logan’s realistic approach on the other.

However, it’s still a bit too early to talk about that: Thomas needs to grow, Roman needs to grow. For now, I would start by showing little by little how Remus’ suggestions can potentially be useful, if properly developed and tamed.

And we can do it thanks to Nico.

Some time passes between the first and the second Aside. Thomas and Nico starts to date, everything is good.

But Thomas is still insecure, because of what Virgil said to him in FWSA: “Will deceit continue to be the answer to all of your problems? Is that fair to (Nico)?”. So he tries to be as much honest as possible with Nico, to the point of ending up being brutally honest sometimes. Nico would be a bit weirded out by this behaviour, but accept it with a shrug.

So, since things are going so well, Thomas wants to make it official. To finally be boyfriends and not just two-people-who-see-each-other-and-kinda-like-each-other.

And that’s where Logan and Remus would come into play. Thomas’ thoughts about Nico would get Remus’ attention and the sudden brainstorming session would get Logan’s. The first would poke Thomas for his less chaste thoughts, all while suggesting weird, inappropriate ways Thomas can ask Nico to be boyfriends. The second wouldn’t tear down Remus’ suggestions, but work around them, show their flaws and how they cannot work.

This back and forth will lead to Thomas realizing what he can do and how. And this solution wil be the good one: Thomas would ask Nico to be boyfriends and Nico would accept.

Third Aside: Janus and Patton

Until now, we saw two kind of cooperations: Roman and Virgil’s is based on feelings and “pushing” each other through their emotions. Logan and Remus’ is a cooperation “in power”: they work well together and we just got a glimpse of how fruitful this cooperation will be in the future.

In this Aside we will see a third kind of cooperation: the most stable and balanced one. We would see how well Janus and Patton would steer Thomas together, how they’re able to talk and compromise, how they’re gradually smoothing their most extreme points of view for Thomas’ sake. And we would see them getting along well, despite their differences.

But why showing it now? Because this would be the perfect moment in time to show it. Because now Thomas is in an official relationship: things are getting real and there are A LOT of decisions that should be taken every day. Janus and Patton’s guidance would shine and prove how a cooperation between Sides isn’t just possible, but it leads to big, better results.

And it would also prove that Roman and Virgil’s fear in FWSA (that Thomas was using deceit to solve all his problems) was without merit. Janus’ power isn’t as uncontrollable as they thought. On the contrary, with Patton’s morals balancing it and when properly used, lying help Thomas achieve more. His relationship with Nico grows stronger.

Things are going well.

_______________________________________

SANDERS SIDES - ENDING OF SEASON 2 PART 1

I’ve got an idea in the back of my mind for a while about how things can get worse and it’s something like this:

As we saw in the Asides, Thomas and Nico’s relationship is going well. Things moved very fast, yes, but they really like each other, so it’s okay.

One day, Nico says he wants to introduce Thomas to his family. Despite an initial peak in anxiety (a subtle way to show us that Virgil has problems with change in general), Thomas accepts to meet them.

Thomas is getting ready with Roman and Virgil. Virgil is - guess what - anxious about this meeting, but he’s also all butterflies in the stomach. Roman is absolutely delighted and keeps circling around Thomas, suggesting him what to wear, what to say, how to move: in other words, the whole “Himbo hopelessly in love” starter pack.

For a while, the meeting is going smoothly. Then Roman and Virgil notice how, once in a while, Thomas drops a lie. Something like “The food is delicious” when it’s not or “what a beautiful dress” even if it’s hideous. And the two Sides get worried. Once again, they try to force Thomas to stop lying, because Lying Is Always Bad and there can’t be true love with lies.

Still insecure and pushed by them, Thomas stops lying. He inevitably ends up saying something offensive/extremely mean and/or he ends up acting so badly the meeting has to end. Nico finds an excuse to justify Thomas’ behaviour with his parents (something on the line of “Thomas is very tired”) and Thomas is forced to leave.

When he comes back home, the discussion is inevitable. Roman and Virgil straight up blame Thomas for lying in the first place, because he wouldn’t have messed up so much, if he was honest from start.

But when Janus appears to defend Thomas and tells them lying IS useful in some circumstances, the situation escalates quickly. The two Sides attack Janus, blaming him for everything and making heavy statements on how deeply he corrupted Thomas/Patton or something similar. On the other hand, Janus attacks them back. They throw words at each other, things are starting to get pretty serious...

And just when the situation reaches its climax, Patton appears. He takes Janus’ side, he explains why lying is useful - especially during formal circumstances like meeting your boyfriend’s family because you want to be accepted, not to be seen as a complete jerk - and he bluntly tells Morality is HIS job, not Virgil’s nor Roman’s.

In this standstill, Thomas’ phone rings. It’s Nico. He wants to talk with Thomas about the evening. Janus suggests a simple lie (I was tired/long day at work), but Nico tells Thomas this isn’t the first time something similar happened - thus reminding us about all of Thomas’ “bursts of honesty” we saw in the second Aside. Honesty that wasn’t seen as such by Nico, but as weird, mean behaviours from the guy he likes.

So when Thomas tries to justify himself with some lie, Nico stops him. He tells Thomas he thought about a lot of stuff, after the meeting ended. He thought about their relationship. He thought about Thomas’ behaviour. Maybe they should’ve dated more, before becoming boyfriends. Maybe they moved too fast. Maybe introducing Thomas to his parents was the wrong choice. Maybe they should think a bit more. And maybe they should take some time for themselves to think about what they want to do, before going further with this relationship.

Nico hangs up. Janus is speechless. Thomas is on the verge of crying. Patton is heartbroken. Virgil is shocked.

And Roman is absolutely devastated. The love he wanted so badly, this happiness he desperately needed, is now in danger. Instead of strengthening the relationship, everything he did only managed to worsen it.

Roman sinks down and locks himself in his room.

_______________________________________

SANDERS SIDES - ENDING OF SEASON 2 PART 2

We already had a Side ducking out and a Side welcoming the others in his room so, for this third time, we should try something different. And what’s better than Thomas & his Sides trying to break into Roman’s room?

Remus might appear for a while, just to help them get inside and leave. There are already a lot of issues Roman has to face now: his relationship with Remus can wait season 3.

So we have Thomas, Virgil, Patton and Janus all in Roman’s room. And the confrontation can finally take place.

Roman will talk about his issues, his low self-esteem and how he feels constrained by Patton’s morals. He will finally admit how he desperately wanted to go to the callback and how confused he was by morals, when he first sided with Janus, only to be blamed for not siding with him in the following episode. He would start seeing the problem with his black/white mentality and we would have a nice, mature moment with Patton apologizing for giving Roman this mentality - while promising he will grow to be a better Morality. We would also have Roman and Janus properly apologize to each other for everything they said and finally work things out.

And we can end it like this. It could be a nice ending, with some conflicts solved, others still to solve and a lot of hope for the future. Patton would feel even more motivated to keep up with his growth, because he’s not doing it just for himself but for Roman too. Roman would feel better, because now he knows no one will blame or mock him for his insecurities - on the contrary, they would still be by his side no matter what. Janus would learn that cooperation is necessary and that he should keep doing it, because this is the right choice.

And Virgil... well, Virgil would drop hints everywhere about his upcoming “second arc”.

In the first livestream after FWSA, Thomas hinted at a possible “second arc” for Virgil. So, since we have a whole season to fill, I would move Virgil’s arc, his confrontation with Janus and all the dark sides’ dynamics into the beginning of the third season. For now, Virgil may hint at a future confrontation with Janus that should happen in the first episode of season 3.

And what about Thomas?

Thomas would accept Nico’s decision and write him that he will take this time to become a better man. We may even close the episode with Nico smiling for this message, proving that he’s not mad at Thomas, he still loves him and that their relationship isn’t ended at all.

Then, we would have the end card.

And the end card would feature the Side I purposely took away from the whole season two finale. Logan.

After starring in the second Aside, Logan should completely disappear for the following two episodes and for the finale. No one should mention him or even think about him. He wouldn’t appear at all. Until now.

We would see him in a room, looking at the last episode of season 2 on Youtube. His face would be completely expressionless and he wouldn’t say a word, because the only voices would be the ones coming from the pc. The camera would slightly move to show a figure behind him. A small refocus of the camera on a little orange accent on this figure’s clothes.

And bam, the end. No explanations, no voices, nothing else. Just this. Because this would drive the fandom insane. Did Logan know Orange was behind him? Were they watching the episode together? Was Orange trying to kill him or what? What would happen? All questions that would accompany us while waiting for season three.

_______________________________________

And this is how I think the next Asides and the ending of season two will play out. Of course this is pure speculation and the next Aside might be about something completely new that makes my whole plot useless - but hey, that would mean a whole new theory to elaborate :D

In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed my thoughts! And for all the readers, well, feel free to add your own thoughts here about how the events will play out! Maybe one of us will get them right, who knows?

[freddieofhearts]

Bye bye, dears (for now!)

I know there have been a lot of rumours and some posts about me leaving, so here I am to set the record straight and say a quick ‘au revoir’. This post is long, and I don’t expect everyone to read the whole thing—if you just want information on how to keep in touch, or about access to my removed fics, scroll to the bottom. ⬇️

*

Why are you leaving?

Firstly, of course I’m not leaving Freddie. This is just an ongoing hiatus from the social side of fandom, because while I have some incredible friends here, who have done all they can to support me and have made this experience wonderful in lots of ways—it’s also true that the social space has become more and more toxic for me.

I get a wild amount of hate. Despite never having my ask box enabled on here, people create new accounts just to message me and tell me all the problems in this fandom are my fault, that I’m faking being sick, that I should kill myself, that I’m fat, etc. I also very regularly get hateful comments on AO3.

Obviously I realise that I’m not the only one who receives these cruel attacks, but it’s become increasingly hard to handle them—especially as some people (‘real’ accounts, not faceless anons) do continue to blame me for wider problems in the fandom. It makes me feel consistently sad, anxious, and paranoid, so that I can’t focus on anything Queen-related that I enjoy.

More pressingly, it’s affected my mental health, which is—imperfect at the best of times. As I’ve occasionally alluded to in older posts on this blog, I have a history of anorexia, OCD, PTSD, and some other overlapping issues. Most people who know me in the fandom are also aware that I’m ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’ to Covid-19, significantly immunocompromised, and have been isolating at home for eleven months.

The combination of all of these things + the constant toxic messages has really been triggering me, and leading to an uptick in disordered behaviours, which my body cannot sustain. Every new instance of hate from an anon—every time there’s another indication of groups in the fandom wanting to ostracise me further—my reaction is deeply self-punitive and unhealthy. Ultimately I need to be out of this environment for, at least, a protracted period. My therapist, my partner and my close friends in the fandom support this decision.

*

So, what went wrong?

In 2019, I expected to be an absolutely tiny blog in the Queen Tumblr landscape. The fandom was already well-established, and I have never worked to ‘build a following’ on here—I think I’ve linked my own fic a maximum of three or four times!—in fact, more or less the opposite. As I mentioned above: ya girl is nutty as a fruitcake. As a result, I often avoid extremely niche things in daily life which cause severe anxiety for me, Relevant examples here: I never look at my timeline. I never intentionally look at my follower number. Yup, it’s strange, I fully admit it, but it’s best for me to go with these things—usually. In Queen fandom, however, this avoidance both of analytic stats and of most direct engagement led to some problems... My followers grew without me realising, and way more people were reading my blog than I was aware of. I was still in a—“Wow, this fandom is very frustrating, and rife with ableism, racism, etc., so how do we fix this???”—mindset, and I wanted to share my opinions, sure! but I also thought I was sharing them with 15-20 like-minded people.

Now, intent is not impact, and I recognise that I was brusque, didn’t phrase things particularly sensitively, and absolutely did hurt some people by criticising the fandom so freely. I still regret this—and I regret just as much the fact that some assholes have used my criticising the fandom on my own blog as implicit justification for attacking authors. I have said on here many times that I don’t condone that behaviour—but I also think there’s some truth in the presumption that these anonymous malcontents felt my critiques somehow ‘permitted’ them to engage in abuse. For the first few months, though, I genuinely had no idea there was a link at all—and so I was initially slow to condemn this abusive behaviour in public, because I was taking it for granted all authors agreed it was shitty. It took someone directly telling me (shoutout to @a-froger-epic) that people had identified a connection between my posts and the anons, before everything fell into place.

I would like to offer my apologies to the fandom at large for not being more quick on the uptake about this, because I feel that had I realised sooner that these people were taking ‘inspiration’ in some way from me, it might have been easier to put a stop to it. It does seem that there is still a lot of confusion about whether I support them and which of their views I agree with. Let’s be 100% clear on this: I do not support the anonymous commenters on AO3. At times there is some, limited overlap between parts of their views and parts of mine, but even that is less than you may think—I often see anonymous comments from so-called ‘Freddie fans’ that I substantially disagree with.

Perhaps even more importantly: I do not support anyone who sends anonymous hate on Tumblr.

*

What’s all this about ‘overlap’ with the anons?

Let’s do a mini-summary of the myths vs. the truth. There are views I hold which are genuinely unpopular in the fandom—but which I own up to completely, and have never tried to hide in any way. I’ve never needed to use anonymous to share my opinions because I’m completely open about them! What people who don’t know me tend to have ‘heard’ about me, though, is usually a drastic distortion of my real opinions.

What people think I think:

- Freddie should never top.

- It’s okay to send anon hate if someone writes Freddie ‘wrong’.

- It’s more important to correct ‘wrong’ portrayals than to respect other writers.

- It’s inherently wrong to be more interested in band pairings than canon pairings.

- Freddie should be overtly written as a r*pe survivor/victim (and not doing this is wrong).

- Freddie should be overtly written as having an eating disorder (and not doing this is wrong).

- Kink fics are wrong.

What I actually think:

- I believe Freddie did have a strongly defined sexual identity with marked preferences, but I don’t think Jim Hutton lied when he said that Freddie topped. I believe Freddie did top, but this isn’t the time or place to get into my thoughts on why/when/how much. I do believe that my analysis of the sources relevant to this subject is as historically accurate as one can reasonably be in matters of sex (where historical accuracy will always be particularly limited and imperfect)—but I don’t think it’s morally wrong to write Freddie as topping more than he probably did.

- I don’t believe there’s only one ‘right’ version of Freddie (all others being ‘wrong’). I do believe it is possible to be more right or less right—but I’m also conscious of the fact that this scale of value is not one by which everyone measures fanfiction. As a result, then, I don’t think that any perceptions surrounding ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ justify sending anonymous, non-constructive criticism, or outright hate.

- I do believe constructive criticism is a good thing. I welcome and appreciate it myself; I have received it on my fics in Queen fandom, and it has made them better. I have been in writing workshops which included very forceful criticisms, and the value of such feedback has been intimately and immediately part of my life as a writer for years. However: in this case, I have accepted that my opinion differs from the general community preference, and so I no longer offer any constructive criticism (outside private beta-reading). I haven’t changed my view, but I’ve changed my practice to align with community norms.

- I do not think any single, individual writer has a personal responsibility to write about Freddie Mercury in any given way. That ranges from including the more distressing topics to which I’ve devoted attention (such as trauma)—to concentrating on ‘canon’ pairings like Jimercury—to, even, focusing on Freddie at all.

“Now, that doesn’t sound like you, @freddieofhearts,” you might be thinking. And I know it doesn’t; I think something I’ve done a poor job of articulating is the difference between how I view each individual fan—namely, as free to shape their creative experience at will, even in ways that I might find distressing or offensive; even in ways that you might find distressing or offensive—and the way I view the Collective. I think people have interpreted some of my critiques of ‘Queen Fandom’ as meaning something like: “You-in-particular, a specific Queen fan, are doing it wrong and should change everything about how you do it; also you don’t really care about Freddie.”

And—that’s not it. What any given fan, as an individual, does, isn’t a problem. And that can be true alongside—concurrently with—a multivalent critique of how the fandom is lacking in representation of Freddie’s life, with all that that (wonderful, deservedly celebrated, but also profoundly traumatic) life entailed. I still hold that view; I still have myriad problems with ‘the fandom’ (structurally, collectively, historically and presently—from the 1990s to the 2020s). Some of what I want to work on (away from the social life of fandom) is expressing those critiques with greater nuance, in ways that can’t be misinterpreted as shading any particular fanfiction author or subgenre of story.

In brief: I haven’t changed my mind, but I think Tumblr is an untenable environment in which to discuss the things I want to analyse, especially as there is an ever-present danger of hurting someone.

*

Can we keep in touch? Where is the fic?

I will drop by this account periodically to check out posts that friends have sent me, so you can always sent me a private message to ask for my contact details on the other app that I’m using now for fandom friends. Multiple Freddie conversations and projects are going on over there, off-Tumblr, with a much ‘gentler’ environment and no bad actors—I personally love it!

All my fic has been downloaded and saved. I don’t want to deal with constant harassment on AO3, but I’m happy to share a copy with anyone who missed it and wants to read/re-read something. I also saved everyone’s lovely comments and thoughtful con-crit, so none of that has been lost or erased.

Thank you to everyone who welcomed me to the fandom, made me think, taught me, shared with me, sent me into fits of the giggles, collaborated with me creatively, and otherwise made this one hell of a ride! Love you all. ❤️

[namorres]

DO WE HAVE A DEAL?  ∞  E. MIKAELSON

part one | part two | part three

requested by: @mo-whore​ / @thesnugglingduck​ / @derangedangel​

wc |  3.2k

warnings |  y/n is a salvatore! so lots of wittiness :) but other than that, neh. 

notes: this part was going to be over 5k words and then i was liiiike nah. so look out for a part 3! :)

masterlist

Y/n’s foot bounced nervously against the hardwood of Mystic Grill, her fingers mindlessly swirling the drink in her glass. She’d been sitting there only a few minutes, maybe, but minutes still felt like hours when you were waiting for someone. An itching thought in the back of her mind told her he wouldn’t show, that this place was too obvious, but as her eyes scoured the surrounding patrons, she saw no one who could go back to her brothers and rat her out. She sighed though a bubble in her cheeks, flipping her phone over and checking for any texts of cancellation, or perhaps of the fashionably late excuse, but there was nothing on the screen. 

Her gaze drifted to the twisting alcohol in her drink, eyes low with annoyance at both him and herself. Herself for thinking he, an Original vampire who was beyond mysterious and definitely out for something, would trust her to meet up with him; him for just… existing. Her straw stuck to her lips and she took a drink, eyes drifting up to the entrance and locking on the entering guests. 

He almost slipped past her — though she wasn’t sure how that could happen. He was clad in a grey suit, neatly tailored and hugging all the right places. His hair was neat, but still casually laid on his head, and she found her heart skipping a beat. He was absolutely one of the most handsome men she’d ever met, and simultaneously, so goddamn insane. When his head turned and their eyes met, she sat straighter in her seat, legs crossing under the table and a fleeting smile gracing her lips. 

He gave a nod, then headed over, scoping out the rest of the Grill like she had. When he was within earshot, she snickered lightly, “I promise no one here knows who you are. Hell, doubt they even know who I am.” 

His lips parted as he breathed out, pinching his suit jacket apart as he sat down across from her. “Hello, Ms. Salvatore.” 

She flinched a little at the name, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth before shaking her head lightly, “Please, call me Y/n, Elijah. I’m not one for formalities.”

“As you wish,” he nodded, “you must forgive my tardiness, Y/n.” He propped his elbow on the table, fingers gesturing upward and lifting with his eyebrows, “I was caught up in some… business.” The way her name had come across his lips sent a strange shiver down the center of her back, forcing her to situate herself a little differently in her chair. This, most definitely, did not go unnoticed. 

“It’s no worry,” she dismissed, even though minutes before she’d been absolutely anxious out of her wits. “So, now that you’re here, would you mind indulging me in who Elijah Mikaelson is?”

He smiled, looking down toward the table as his hand fell flat against it. His eyes found her’s again after a moment, “What would you like to know?”

“Start from the beginning,” she lifted her chin, “tell me everything about why this Klaus character is after my brother’s girlfriend, why it matters so much that she stay alive, and why it matters to you that she’s alive.”

He gave a thoughtful nod, a small scoff leaving his chest as he let out a long breath, “Niklaus… is my younger brother.”

Y/n’s brows furrowed as she looked on at Elijah, “That’s not what I’ve heard. They said Klaus was the oldest of the Originals.”

Elijah chuffed out a laugh, leaning back in his chair and tapping his finger against the table, “At times, I’m sure he wishes he were. But, no. That would be me. I see people do their research.” She let out a chuckle at that, catching his eyes as they crinkled in the corners. She admired how witty he was — stark contrast from the deal-making, strictly-business Elijah she’d heard about from Rose. 

At the thought of the vampire, she pointed a finger to the ceiling in thought, “Quick question. A– well, an acquaintance of mine,” she cleared her throat — Rose was no friend to her, “claimed that you were… the easter bunny compared to Klaus.” She offered an amused smile with the delivery of her words.

Elijah’s eyes rolled and shook his head in annoyance, “Your acquaintance must be rather ill-informed, then. I can assure you, where Klaus is concerned, I am the worser-evil to cross.” 

“Oh,” Y/n said with a crinkle of her brow, “I don’t doubt it. You strike me as very threatening, Mr. Easter Bunny.” 

His eyes narrowed at her, head tilting to the side and a smirk threatening the corner of his lips, “Ms. Y/n, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe you are… mocking me.”

She feigned thoughtfulness, tapping her chin with her index finger, “I think you might be right!” She laughed quietly with her statement, and Elijah couldn’t help the smile that stretched across his face.

“You bring me here to answer your questions, and instead I am met with mockery— quite frankly, I see no reason why we should deal any further,” he taunted, going to push off the table with one hand while the other pulled his jacket together. 

“No, no! Wait,” she surrendered, her hands up by her shoulders, “I give.” She chuckled, smiling a rather giddy grin, “I’ll stop. I’m seriously curious. It’s just funny!”

He raised a brow at her with a tight smile on his face, sitting down and returning to his laid-back position in the seat. “Very well, so, from the beginning.”

For the next few minutes, Elijah explained the curse that they were trying to break. Y/n was taken by much surprise when he revealed that the curse wasn’t real at all, instead written by him and his younger brother hundreds of years ago for kicks and grins. Then, he discussed with her Elena’s importance in it, detailing the necessity for the blood of a dopplegänger, as well as the other ingredients — a vampire, a witch, and a werewolf. 

“Niklaus will stop at nothing to make sure this curse is seen through,” Elijah sighed, eyes closing, “and I must make sure that it isn’t.” 

Y/n studied him for a moment, processing all of the information before drawing in a breath, “Elijah?”

He looked up at her in question.

“Why? Why do you not want Klaus to break his curse and embrace his natural state?” She wasn’t siding with the other Mikaelson, not in the slightest; the idea that you could finally be who you were after thousands of years of being only half of yourself, she was sure she’d jump at it every opportunity she had, too. 

“If he succeeds,” Elijah started, brows dropping and gaze levelling her’s, “then he will be entirely invincible. A hybrid. And, if that happens, he will rage a war on every species he can until he makes everyone cower before him.” He leans back and his chest swells with breath, “That is his natural state. A creature of bloodshed.”

“Oh,” she said, smally. Her eyes fell to the table, gears turning in her mind as she thought of what that could possibly mean. Everyone would be in danger once he became a hybrid — impervious to wooden stakes and practically any harm. 

There was a thick silence between them. Y/n wasn’t sure what to ask from there. It just seemed so dim, so dark, like there was no good in Klaus becoming a hybrid. And, truthfully, if the curse was not real, and vampires would always be damned to wear rings else they burn, then there was no good. The ritual was only a very bad idea. 

When she looked at Elijah again, his eyes were locked on the window, staring off and lost in his own thoughts. Then a question sparked in her mind, and without much thought, she blurted, “Can you kill him?”

Elijah blinked as he came back to reality, looking to Y/n with a narrowed gaze, “Yes. But that in itself will prove the most difficult task.”

Y/n had the thought of offering her help, but it was quickly squashed by the much more realistic thought that she truly wouldn’t have been able to do much. That, she figured, was a much more deep-rooted familial issue, and she had too many of those to deal with right now. She was not going to get in the middle of them. Instead, she sipped her drink and asked, “You have an idea of what you’re going to do, right?”

He nodded, “I do. Keep the most vital part of the ritual in my possession, strike when the time is right.” His vagueness made her temples itch with curiosity, but she knew it was pointless to ask. He was not going to reveal it all to her — there was trust, but not that much. She respected that. 

The rest of their visit was filled with lighter conversation, Y/n filling Elijah in on some of her own life with her brothers. She explained how she was there to help Lexi help Stefan, how she was there when Stefan had found Elena. She skipped over a few of the worser parts of her history — her selective distaste for her eldest brother, being one. But Elijah listened, and she was sure even with the blanks, he could tell just why she’d made this deal in the first place. 

“You care deeply for your brothers,” he murmured after a moment, fingers drumming lightly against the table.

“Yes,” she nodded, “you figured that out the first night we met.”

“Well,” he gave another smirk, “it was an educated guess at the time. Nothing more than a shot in the dark, as they say. But, you’ve proven me right.”

She scoffed, licking her lips and nodding, “You know, ‘Lijah,” her name slipped across her tongue so casually it took him almost by surprise, his eyes narrowing for only a moment, “I find it so strange that I can trust you.”

He gave a shrug of his shoulder, “I’ve been told I’ve that effect on people.” 

Another laugh, another exchange of adoring glances, and she nodded, “I’m sure you do.” 

They held each other’s look for a moment. Her heart was racing in her ears, and she knew he could hear it. But she didn’t mind. Something about the man in front of her drew her nearer, like a drug to an addict, and she was not at all appalled by the idea. In fact, she was intrigued with him. The secrets he held behind those brown eyes, the unsaid words held back by his tongue, the smile that graced his lips, it all told her so much yet so little about him. And she loved it. 

Then his phone rang. Quickly, he gave her an apologetic look and answered. His expression dropped, the smile replaced with a slack frown. “Alright. Make sure nothing happens until I get there.” Then he hung up and turned to her with a plastered smile, “Forgive me, Y/n. But I must find my leave.”

“Business?” She offered, witty yet sincere.

He nodded, standing from his seat and fixing his suit jacket. Then he took her hand that had been resting on the table and placed a gentle kiss to the knuckles, “I hope we have the chance to meet like this again, Y/n Salvatore.” Then, he was gone, as if he’d never been there at all.

                                                              ∞

Over the next few days, it only proves harder and harder for Y/n to keep her side of the deal with Elijah. Elena continuously puts herself in the position of absolute death, and it’s driving all three of the Salvatore’s up the wall. She hadn’t heard from the Original, but she was sure he was aware of all of it, as well, and it the annoyance was settling deep with him, too. 

Y/n sat low on the couch, entirely invisible to anyone who were to walk in. She’d heard Damon leave earlier that morning, heard Rose say something of not leaving a girl hanging, and she’d cringed. Of course Damon was sleeping with a kidnapper. Makes perfect sense. She rolled her eyes and scoffed lightly, scrolling through her phone and pushing away the rather horrid mental image.

Then the door opens behind her, yet she doesn’t bother to check to see who comes in. She can already tell by the light feet and the rapid heartbeat. Elena had made her entrance. But she doesn’t say anything, and Y/n thinks a moment about sitting up and asking her what she wants, but Rose beats her to it by coming around the corner and making some flirtatious comment about how Damon left a naked girl in his house. 

Again, gross. 

She heard their awkward conversation, Elena’s need for something from Rose, and then she perks up when Rose pads away. Why hadn’t she gone to her brothers? Surely if she truly needed something, she would’ve gone to Stefan. But then again, how could she? Stefan, the dumbass, ever valiant white-knight, had gotten himself stuck in a tomb with Katherine, and the reminder of the thought made Y/n wince. 

Even then, with their current plight, she would’ve at least considered going to Damon, first. Not Rose. Y/n sighed, sitting up from the couch and catching Elena’s gaze almost instantly. “What, pray tell, are you up to?”

“N– Y/n, I’m not– Nothing, I’m not up to anything,” the Gilbert girl stuttered and Y/n’s eyes narrowed. The vampire didn’t have to say anything before Elena cracked under the weight of her glare, “Fine! Fine! I’m– You can’t tell Damon, okay?”

Y/n looked off to the right, then considered the possibilities. If she didn’t tell her brother, she would likely get a stern talking to, and then life would go on, and if she did tell her brother, he’d probably rip Elena a new one for keeping something so important from him, and Y/n had made a deal with Elijah to keep her safe. Giving in with a sigh, she shrugged, “Fine, I won’t tell ‘im. But you’ve gotta tell me, and if you’re going somewhere, I’m coming with. No argument.”

Elena seemed annoyed enough, but she didn’t come up with anything to say in retaliation. “Yeah, okay. I’m gonna find Klaus. Or get information, anyway. Whichever comes first.”

Y/n stared at her for a moment, lips parting and brows furrowing, “Why?”

Elena said nothing, shrugging.

The vampire’s eyes nearly rolled into the back of her head. She’d have to play it off like she didn’t know about the Original and his wants, and she knew that if Elena started asking too many questions too soon, there was going to be someone bound to come after her. Y/n wasn’t stupid — there was more to this game Elena was playing and she just had yet to show her hand. “You know that is a terrible idea, yeah? If you go poking around too much—” She cut herself off as an open-ended warning. 

Again, just a doe-eyed look in response.

Y/n huffed, walking toward the girl and then directly past her, grabbing her jacket from the hook. “Fine. I cannot let you get yourself killed, and you, obviously, are hellbent on doing that, so looks like I’ve gotta step in, huh?”

Y/n’s smile was genuine, but the sarcasm that laced her tone was anything but. She was annoyed, yes, but she did want to make sure Elena stayed safe — both for her brother’s sakes and her own. Rose joined them moments later, clad in leather, and she stopped at the sight of Y/n. Then Elena quickly explained that the Salvatore sister would be coming along, yet the tension didn’t lift.

Y/n was nothing if not critical of the women that were so carelessly brought into the Salvatore’s lives. Especially when they brought ancient vampires out for blood along with them. 

“Shall we?”

                                                              ∞

“So,” Y/n sighed as they approached the rather large looking apartment doors, “this Slater guy has everything you need to get to Klaus? Is that what you’re saying?” “Slater has information on every vampire that’s ever lived,” Rose offered, looking up the door, then down at the handles, “if there’s anyone with a connection to Klaus, he knows them.”

“Well,” Elena gestured to the door, “let’s ask him.”

Rose shot her a look, then knocked once, shouting his name. When there was no response, she was ready to turntail and leave, and Y/n couldn’t say she didn’t agree. But Elena stood her ground, “No. We didn’t come all the way out here for nothing.”

With a roll of her eyes, she pushed in the door and chains rattled to the ground, “After you.”

Y/n and Elena walked in ahead of her, looking around the apartment. It was spacious, modern as modern could get. The vampire smiled at the appreciation this Slater guy had for architecture. There was another beat, Rose calling out Slater’s name before stopping dead in her tracks.

“I don’t think he’s going to be much help,” she called. Elena raced to her spot, and Y/n followed behind, the three of them stopping to stare at the dead vampire lying on the ground. 

“Damn,” Y/n whispered, walking past the two women and crouching down to Slater. The wooden stake hadn’t been a stake at all, but something broken off. “Doesn’t look like he struggled with anybody,” her eyes darted around the room before she stood up. “Everything’s in its place, nothing’s messed up. Whoever killed him was in and outta here without so much as a shoeprint.” 

Rose deflated as she walked over, leaning down and pressing a soft hand to his shoulder. Within a few minutes, they had covered his body and moved on to what they’d come here to do. Elena walked over to the computer, Rose standing right next to her, and Y/n standing back just a little. When she clicked the mouse, a password screen popped up. “It’s password protected, I can’t get in.” 

Rose was quick to offer up the idea of leaving, and once again, Y/n couldn’t see why she was wrong. Then, any thoughts were interrupted by an abrupt clatter from further back in the apartment. Y/n turned over her shoulder, and Rose warned Elena to stay back. The two vampires walked to the source of the sound, Rose looking to the Salvatore before opening the door. At first, it didn’t look like anything had been in there, then a woman peeked around a cabinet, shaking and absolutely terrified. 

“Alice?”

“Rose!” The woman came from behind the cabinet, sobbing and falling into Rose. Y/n looked at Rose, then to Elena, the three of them exchanging knowing glances. 

It was only becoming harder to convince Elena this was a bad idea.

[wuyifankris]

Kris Wu in Harper’s BAZAAR, July 2020 Issue

“Only when there’s improvement, will you feel alive.”

"A person with his own way of thinking" - more and more people see this in Kris Wu. From starting off with films to continuing on with variety programs, he has skilfully executed his roles with a sense of control, clear self-recognition and steadiness. We see a young man who goes along the path set with his own rules, has definite goals, is dedicated to work, and is constantly improving. In several months' time, Kris Wu will be thirty years old. BAZAAR invited him to share more about his story, and discuss about the past twenty nine years of his life.

In this world, one must be full of vigour

If this is a letter for myself, I think I'll say: For the past twenty nine years of my life, I've lived a life with no regrets. Every task I've done, every decision I've made, the experiences at at every stage of my life, the honour, the applause, the slander... are all indispensable in my journey of growth.

Regretting is painful, and it's hard not to regret. I am well aware that I'm lucky in this aspect. But whether or not I regret, in the end, it all depends on myself.

I have a very straightforward attitude when it comes to my life. I will only do the things that I'm sure I want to do, anything else or other less than ideal alternatives simply do not exist in my field of consideration. Only little kids will have endless choices and dilemmas, as an adult one should set their goals at the highest standard and focus on accomplishing it well.

Therefore, there was never a "Plan B" in my life. I would never prepare a second plan for myself. I feel that this trait of mine is typical of Scorpios, as long as I am set on doing something, I will make sure it's done to the best that I can.

You'd ask, what kind of preparations will I make? Everything. I'll do every kind of preparation that comes to mind. I will be deep in thought about it every moment, every minute, every second, and even in my dreams. This is the kind of focus and effort I give towards my goals.

Before turning thirty, I have already found a very good balance. I'm getting closer towards it, and my goals in life are clearer.

But the "most important things in life" are not set in stone, and change at every phase. I will set long term goals and short term goals. For example music - music is very important to me, it's something which I have invested a lot of time in that I love and am passionate about. At the same time it's my career, my job. So of course, I will continue pursuing it. However, at the same time, this doesn't mean that there aren't any other parts in my life with new directions and new goals. Like racing, it's something that I really enjoy now. I will also continue to set new goals for  myself for small things such as this.

I have always strongly believed in setting and following goals, and it is because of them that I am motivated to constantly improve. But thinking about my life as a whole, I'll refrain from prematurely setting an ultimate aim for certain things. Instead, I will maintain an open mind and allow myself to constantly aim for new goals. Also, at any point in time I will not allow myself to become someone without any goals.

Persistently setting goals for yourself and ceaselessly moving forth is the way one can continue to live youthfully and enthusiastically. I think that this is also a good way to maintain a positive mindset. Only when there's improvement, will you feel alive. Otherwise, there may not be much motivation in your life, and it could become very dim.

Since we are in this world, let's live this life with vigour! This has always been my attitude towards life.

Amidst all the recognition from others, your inner voice is what matters the most.

You have to take control of your life

As one gets older, they will gradually realise that although judgements from others may affect a person externally or mentally, this is merely the icing on the cake.

When you work hard, you will receive honour and recognition. But amidst all the recognition from others, your inner voice is what matters the most. Whether you believe the things you do are meaningful or not, whether through doing them you can obtain value, it's your opinion that far outweighs other matters.

So I feel that for many situations, regardless of the outcome, regardless of how much honour and success it brings to you, what's even more important is whether you have enjoyed the process or not.

To me, music is a very good way of expressing myself and allows me to make a mark in history. It allows me to express certain things that cannot be put into words, which can invoke an emotional response from the listener. Listeners who resonate to the song will be drawn towards it, and as a result of our shared similar experiences, bring about "us".

Perhaps one day I'll get old, or not be in this world anymore, but throughout my whole life, all the music I've made will remain, and will still continue to reach people, whether they're still young or already aging. This is really meaningful and important to me. This is a joy that I have found in music, it's a motivation that will spur me on to continue to improve in this area.

Furthermore, you guys will be able to see a very clear storyline and path of growth in my works, which includes my passion towards hip hop now, as well as my love for traditional Chinese style. As I move forth in life, I continue to incorporate my observations and thoughts [into my music] progressively. When you guys look back on my works, you'll be able to find the answers in them.

My love for music has led me to be deeply immersed in related industries as well. Why do I like fashion? It's because fashion is closely linked to music. When I like one industry, I'll pick up all the skills that I can that are possibly linked to it. From singing to dancing, acting, fashion, producing music, writing lyrics, and even taking up directing roles at times. I hope that I can pick up all sorts of skills that are associated with the things I like. After all, it's always good to have more skills.

The more you know, the more you will want to treat the things you're most interested in with the greatest detail of effort and professionalism, as well as open explore new possibilities. Even if one day I am no longer a "popular celebrity", I will still find a place for myself in this world. I can also take a step back behind the scenes and lead the life that I want to live. I feel that this defines a person's values and worth. With such skills and confidence I feel that I can continue to navigate on this path towards the unknown. This is probably why I don't get anxious too easily too.

So you see, it's your interests that will carry you along to further places. These interests are a part of life. Your life is still in your hands, you have to take full control of it. Do the things that you want to do, let the things you truly believe in lead your way. This is what matters the most.

So if you ask what I'm chasing, I'll tell you that I'm chasing the lifelong mindset of non-stop improvement.

I constantly feel as if I'm in the middle of the ocean, not knowing when deadly waves will arrive.

30 is just a number

Actually I don't think that just because I'm turning 30, I've matured a great deal. There are many stages in life from birth till now that have made me grow. Perhaps every two years I'll encounter a somewhat major life problem or unforeseen circumstance.

I constantly feel as if I'm in the middle of the ocean, not knowing when deadly waves will arrive, nor knowing when it will turn calm and tranquil. Perhaps in the blink of an eye the waves become rough and choppy at night, and the next moment at dawn the skies are clear. This is already the norm in my life.

As a result, this cultivated my mindset from very early on in life. My moods wouldn't fluctuate that much, perhaps starting around 20 years old I was already pretty calm and stable. It also wasn't because I was at this age that I began to treasure time even more and work extremely hard, as I had always put in so much effort all this while.

30 years of age is just a number. I'll tell myself, I'm already 30 years old, I have to be more stable. But in fact, I did not define what I wanted to do in certain stages of my life merely because I reached a specific age. I feel that I shouldn't be affected by a "midlife crisis". At age 30, it's still early, after living for another 10 years it probably won't be considered middle aged. Even at that age, one should not use terms such as middle aged, youth, elderly, young person and such to define the stages in your life.

You should define what you want to do at each stage in life. Continue doing what you want to do according to your own pace and you will be fine. As for the things beyond our control - I used to dream of being a professional basketball player, but due to an injury it was not possible. Let it go if it can't work out, there will always be regrets in life.

Gains and losses, strengths and weaknesses are all often experienced in life. Missing something or messing it up it also part of life. When life isn't perfect, you don't have to beat yourself up over it. Because when you begin to do so, your whole system may break down and you won't be able to efficiently think of ways to solve the problem, and things may end up spiralling downwards.

If it's not done well, then continue to try, or switch to an alternate route. Don't rashly choose to berate yourself.

This isn't vanity or arrogance, but a form of self-awareness. If you wish to lead a happier life, you must possess a sense of self-awareness. No matter where you go, you have to stand behind yourself with utmost support, and be your number one fan. You have to say out with confidence: I think I'm still not bad.

Actually, I feel that during this stage in life, I am most curious about the things that I can't do well. The more I can't do something well, the harder I want to work on it. Once I've accomplished it through further determination and actions, I have once again levelled up.

But before that, I definitely have to be interested in the task. If it's something I don't like, no matter how good it is, I won't be envious of it.

This is a form of respect towards myself. Life is short, we shouldn't make do with too many compromises, nor should we waste it.

No matter how good an era is, if you're not in it, it can't be considered good. An era that doesn't include you is meaningless.

There are blazing flames in my heart

There are some people who may think that since debut I was a super idol, a big celebrity that's worlds apart from my peers. But that's not the case, my personal life isn't too different from other young people. I enjoy going out on my own, without a driver, bodyguard or babysitter... and I'll also go out with non-industry friends to shop, eat, and play basketball. I was able to lead the life that everyone had, there was just a little gap due to my career.

Setting aside career, I am someone who is very close to the era of 90s kids.

I feel that this is a very good era, of course, it's not because this era is a certain way that makes it good or not. I believe that: As long as it's an era that I exist in, it's a good era. No matter how good an era is, if you're not in it, it can't be considered good. An era that doesn't include you is meaningless.

Obviously, I still maintain this mindset with blazing flames in my heart. I still believe I'm a simple and pure person, otherwise I won't be racing cars at this age all of a sudden.

However there are many ways to define "pure", and many people believe that when a person is said to be pure, it's because they are good - have not encountered much, is a good boy, a great kid - then I'm obviously not someone who appears to be one.

But I believe that the meaning of pureness extends beyond this.

True pureness exists within your heart, it's whether you have undivided focus towards the things that you are passionate about, leaving behind all other reasons, whether you are still able to put in effort into the things you love, whether you are able to understand this world simply, whether you can treat every person you meet with sincerity, and whether you can face the world with a childlike gentleness and curiosity.

We all feel that once we step into the adult world, everything immediately turns boundlessly complex. But true pureness is understanding all of your past experiences. With such events and turbulent times, if you can continue to maintain pureness in your heart, you are pure.

This is the kind of pureness I possess. 

Perhaps it's because my goals in life are constantly changing, and small goals are constantly emerging, so I have always lived a life that's pulsing with vitality, and my galaxy is still blazing. Perhaps it's because I have gone through certain experiences, which surprisingly widened my heart.

Looking forward in life, perhaps I may encounter some stress when I reach 40 years of age. But I feel that even if I'm 40, I'll still be a very cool person, still continue to take part in car racing, and stay immersed in my studio making music. I also think that at that time, I'll probably slow down my pace in life.

Perhaps I'll spend more time to really feel this world at present, travel to places I've never been before, explore more and see more, discover life, experience life.

I believe that [when I reach] that time I will have an entirely different mindset than what I do now. I'm still nervous now because there are certain aspects that I am lacking in. I'm looking forward to having that mindset.

But right now, at 30 years of age, I'll take my blazing flames along with me and race forth!

translation: @wu_yi_fan

[beetlebitchywitch]

Some Fun Bajo/Cia Angst

I HAVE REQUESTS AND I SHOULD BE FILLING THEM BUT SOMETIMES YOU GO FERAL FOR YOUR MAFIA BOYS THAT ARE IN LOVE BUT CAN’T ADMIT IT I’M SO SORRY I’M USELESS BUT HERE IT IS

See @monsterlovinghours for more info on The Conglomerate, a Beetlejuice Mafia AU

WARNING: Some soft NSFW content, internalized homophobia, herein lies pain 

Cia had been around for a long time. A long time. He’d seen people come and go, seen love ignite and fizzle out in the blink of an eye. He’d seen so many men, women, amorphous eldritch horrors, that they all started to blend together in his mind. But then, his closest, dearest friends rushed into his afterlife and turned it upside down. Just like him in the most important ways, and unlike him in the most important ways as well. They were his closest confidantes, his dearest brothers in arms, his best friends, and occasionally, his lovers. He adored them with his whole heart, and they adored him back.

And then, Escarabajo came along.

It should have been the same. A new best friend, a supportive shoulder to lean on, just like Zhuk or Gio or Bee, but God was it different. From the very beginning, he was different, and Cia couldn’t stop himself from staring into those amber eyes, deep and rich like a fifth of his favorite whiskey and just as fiery, spiced like cinnamon and sweet like caramel. God, he could write sonnets about just his eyes if he were as linguistically inclined as Gio, but alas, his words jumbled around in his mind, trying and failing to put together a coherent sentence to describe just what those eyes made him feel. And when Bajo finally got comfortable around them, when he let loose, when he finally laughed, it was nearly enough to send Cia into a second grave. It was uproarious and without restraint, like a sudden crescendo in the middle of a lullaby, and if he were honest with himself, it was one of the most beautiful sounds he’d ever heard. He wanted to hear it again- he wanted to hear it every day, and he wanted to be the one to cause it. Indeed, Bajo was very different, and the others, well, the others knew it. 

“Won’t you ever tell him, mon amie?” Bee asked, lounging deeply in his arm chair by the fire as he puffed away at a spicy-smelling cigar. “Watching the two of you dance around each other all day is truly starting to get old.” 

“I haven’t a clue what yer talking about,” Cia retorted, broodingly sipping at his whiskey that, despite being his favorite, seemed utterly flavorless. He chose to focus instead on the storm sending heavy rains onto the roof of the estate, the windows lighting up every so often from bolts of lightning. “We don’t dance.” 

“But you want to,” Bee said slyly, a mischievous grin spreading around the cigar held between his teeth. “You want to dance with him, hold him close and feel him sway in your arms, kiss hi-”

“Enough, Scarabee,” Zhuk grumbled, rubbing the bridge of his nose between his fingertips. “Let’s not push the issue, da?” 

“Thank you!” Cia exclaimed with relief. “Honestly, I-”

“If Ciaróg wishes to ignore his rather obvious feelings for Escarabajo and spend the next century pining like a Shakespearean protagonist, who are we to deny him?”

The uproarious laughter engulfing the smoking room at his expense drowned out his exasperated groan as the other three could barely contain their glee. He quickly downed the rest of his whiskey and stood from his chair, bidding them all a fond farewell with a rather rude gesture before making his way out the door, slamming it behind him as the laughter only intensified. Goodness, as if this could possibly get any wo-

“Ah, mi amigo!” 

...Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. 

Bajo strode confidently down the hallway towards him, a well-worn book in his hand and his chest exposed so perfectly with his shirt half unbuttoned, for God’s sake, Ciaróg, keep it together. 

“Evenin’, mo chara,” he replied, his voice strained as they could still obviously hear the others’ laughter filtering in from the smoking room. Bajo raised one eyebrow questioningly, a smile still playing on his lips. 

“What’s got them in stitches?” he asked curiously, his eyes almost instinctively traveling up and down Cia’s body for less than a second, so quickly that Cia could almost deny that it had even happened...were they right? Were they really dancing around their feelings? 

“Oh, just a little too much to drink,” Cia explained away with a forced laugh, one that only piqued Bajo’s interest more. 

“Ah, and I suppose that’s what they’ll tell me if I go in and ask them, hmm?” he asked mischievously, his grin growing as he saw the fear so clearly blossoming in Cia’s eyes. Ah, so he was hiding something! What an interesting turn of events for such a typical evening. 

“Well, of course not!” Cia stammered, one hand still on the doorknob as if to keep Bajo away from it. “Since when does a drunkard ever tell ye that he’s drunk?”

“Hmm...I suppose that’s true,” Bajo admitted, and God, that sly little smile made Cia’s knees want to give out. “Are you alright, mi amigo? You seem...tense.” 

Of course, tense could only begin to cover it. Cia looked more nervous than Bajo had ever seen him, and frankly, it slightly worried him. What could they possibly have discussed in that room that made him this anxious about him finding out? Was everyone in the estate allowed to know except him? 

“Course I’m alright,” Cia said, finally pushing away from the door and regrettably closer to Bajo. God, he wanted to reach out and touch the skin exposed by his shirt, and he could feel his fingers twitching by his side, enabled by the spirits in his system to let go of inhibition, but he still managed to control himself. “Trust me, Escarabajo, you’d know if I was out o’ sorts.” 

God, he was trying so hard not to crumble as Bajo’s eyes turned soft, that molten honey stare practically piercing his soul as he took a step closer. Suddenly the toes of their shoes were nearly touching, their chests merely inches apart as Bajo placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, and Christ Almighty his touch was warm, inviting, intoxicating-

“Well, you know I’m here if you ever need someone, querido,” he murmured, his melodious voice echoing repeatedly in Cia’s mind and practically swallowing him up. Need? Of course he needed him. He needed him like the living needed air in their lungs, and he felt like he was sinking beneath the waves of his touch, his voice, his kiss-

They were kissing. He had no idea who leaned forward to bring their lips together, it could’ve been both of them for all he knew, but it didn’t matter, because his lips were soft and warm against his and he could feel his little breaths puffing out across his face. The hand on his shoulder had tensed, Bajo’s fingers clenching tightly at his shirt as they remained still, lips pressed together in a simple, beautiful kiss. 

Kiss.

Oh God. They were kissing. 

The minute his brain caught up to the present, he was pulling away, putting at least two feet between them as he backed up against the door, his back hitting the dark wood with a dull thud as he gasped for air he didn’t need. Bajo’s eyes slid open slowly, blinking with surprise as his fingers came up to gently touch his lower lip, as if trying to figure out if that had actually just happened. Their eyes met, Cia’s full of fear and Bajo’s full of...sadness. 

“Oh, Ciaróg…” he murmured, shoulders sagging as if weighed down by some unseen force. “I...I am so incredibly sorry. But I…I don’t...” 

That was it. He knew it. He knew his feelings were unrequited, he knew the other dons were wrong, and he knew that he just royally fucked up. Without another word, he took off down the hallway, refusing to look back even as Bajo repeatedly called out to him, his voice desperate and so achingly sad. It pained Cia to hear it, but he couldn’t give in. He raced back to his suite and shut the door behind him, immediately leaning back against it and sliding to the floor, burying his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking with his heavy breaths. He couldn’t believe he just did that, he couldn’t believe he just did that. How could he let himself lose control like that, just kissing Bajo like it was nothing, how stupid could he be? He could feel the tears coming and stinging his eyes, a rough hiccup crawling up from his throat as he clutched angrily at his hair. He was furious with himself for potentially ruining his friendship with Bajo, and God, what would that do to the rest of the group? They lived together, what were they meant to do? It was all too much, the thoughts swirling through his mind like an anxious maelstrom, only broken apart by the sharp rapping on the door behind him. 

“Mon amie, are you in there?” Bee asked softly, his voice muffled by the thick wood. Sniffling, Cia scooted away from the door and stood up, brushing himself off as he pulled the door open. Immediately, Bee was striding inside, his cane clicking against the hardwood floor. “Oh, Ciaróg…”

“Don’t,” he choked out, eyes trained exclusively on the floor. He couldn’t bear to look Bee, or any of them, in the eye, couldn’t bear to see their pity. “That...that’s what he said, too.” 

“Cia, I...I’m sorry,” he said, moving over to the foot of the bed and taking a seat, patting the space next to him. Cia sighed and reluctantly joined him. “We, I, pushed you too far. I hope you can forgive us, camarade.” 

He paused for a moment before nodding. Truly, it wasn’t their fault- he was the idiot who kissed his friend. He was the idiot who fucked up their friendship. Nothing the others said or did could have forced him to do that. 

“It’s over, Scarabee,” he mumbled, rubbing at the wetness leaking from his eyes. “I suspect Bajo won’t want to see me again, let alone talk to me. I’ve...I’ve ruined everything.” 

“Oh, come now,” Bee said, clapping a hand onto his shoulder. “He’s a reasonable man, isn’t he? So you kissed him. You’ve kissed me plenty of times!”

“Yes, but ye liked it!” he pointed out, running his fingers anxiously through his hair. “He made it very clear that he didn’t want that, that he doesn’t...feel that way about me. I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t thinking, Christ, what am I going to do?” 

“You,” Bee began, poking his finger hard into Cia’s chest, “are going to go talk to him. You’re going to sit down and have a conversation like two rational, grown-up demons, and you’re going to walk away from it better than you were before. Alright? Come now, up you get.” 

Bee wrapped his arms under Cia’s shoulders and heaved, pulling him up onto his feet despite his protests. Once he got him to his feet, he straightened out his clothes and brushed away his tears with a doting smile. 

“There now, much better,” he said happily, giving him a shove towards the door. “Now go. He retreated to his room not long after he told us what happened.” 

With a heavy sigh, Cia obeyed, leaving Bee behind in his room to make his way down the hall, going through multiple twists and turns before finally approaching Bajo’s door. But what if he didn’t want to talk to him? What if he was angry with him, or disgusted with him, so disgusted that he didn’t even want to see him? He was pulled from his anxious reverie, however, by the sound of muffled voices coming from inside the room. Did someone else seek him out the same way Bee did for him? He felt bad about it, but he couldn’t stop himself from pressing his ear up against the door to listen in.

“-nothing I can do.” 

“Of course there is! You’re more powerful than you let on, mi amigo, I’ve seen your hypnosis at work dozens of time. Don’t tell me you can’t do this for me!”

“Bajo, do you even know what you’re asking of me? To rid you of your memories of your feelings for Ciaróg-”

To...to do what? 

“-Would do more good for me than anything else. I...I can’t face him. Not after knowing what he feels like, I...I can’t keep it hidden anymore, Zhuk. And I can’t give in to it either. So what else can I do?”

“Bajo, you know of the nature of our relationships as well as I. Do you fear that we will judge you?” 

“No! No, I just...I can’t. I can’t. It’s wrong, I’m wrong, THIS is wrong!”

If he had a beating heart, it would be thrumming away in his chest. What was...what was he saying?

“And who told you that, Escarabajo?”

“You know damn well who,” Bajo growled, his voice so clearly laden with pain. “Because she told you, too. Didn’t she?” 

It was silent. Cia held himself perfectly still, just waiting for Zhuk’s answer. 

“...Yes. She did. But I learned a long time ago that Juno is a wretched old bitch whose opinions on anything are as cold and rotten as she is. You can’t let her continue to control you, or what you want!” 

“YES I CAN!” Bajo shouted. Cia gasped, and the room went quiet. “...Come in.”

Fuck. Knowing he’d been had, he sighed and opened the door, revealing himself to a startled Bajo and a semi-relieved Zhuk.

“Ciaróg,” Zhuk sighed, quickly walking over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. “You...you heard all of that, yes? Perhaps you can be the one to talk some sense into him.” And with that, he was gone, closing the door behind him and leaving the two men uncomfortably looking away from one another. It was Cia who would finally speak, walking over to the fireplace to stand by the roaring flames, gazing into them thoughtfully. 

“You lied to me.”

“...What?” 

“You...you told me you didn’t,” Cia said, his voice already beginning to choke up again. “You lied to me.” 

“I...I’m sorry,” Bajo replied softly, shamefully. “I...I couldn’t tell you.” 

“Because of Juno,” Cia said flatly. He looked back over to Bajo where he sat at the edge of the bed, their eyes finally meeting. Bajo’s eyes widened a bit- his gaze was surprisingly cold. “I didn’t take ye for a coward, Escarabajo.” 

“How...how dare you!” Bajo growled, fueled with a white-hot anger as he stalked towards Cia. “You kiss me, and then you run away from me, and you’re calling me a coward?” 

“Aye, I am,” Cia spat, his eyes reflecting the roaring fire in the fireplace and in his belly. “You were beggin’ Zhuk to remove yer memories just to run away from how ye feel, and all because of that spiteful ol’ bitch. That makes ye a coward, and I know yer not one. I...I know yer brave, and fierce, and wonderful, so don’t you dare tell me that you’d run away from this, from me, just because of her-” 

Silence. His voice was cut off by Bajo’s lips pressing insistently against his, his hands fisting in the front of Cia’s shirt as he kissed him with all the pent-up longing in his heart. Cia stilled against him for a moment, but the second his brain caught up, he was kissing back with the ferocity of an animal released from its cage. They were a flurry of lips and teeth and hands scrabbling for purchase as they fought for dominance. Bajo pulled away, panting out of sheer habit as he stared into Cia’s eyes.

“Am I a coward now?” he asked, his voice still heavy with anger. Cia felt an icy coldness shoot through him as he realized what he’d said, how insensitive he’d been. 

“I...I shouldn’t have called ye that,” he replied, their lips still only an inch or two apart. “I know what growin’ up hearin’ that bloody hag spewin’ her filth was like.” 

“I don’t want to think about her,” he murmured, his hands flattening out across Cia’s back and holding him as close as he could. “I...I don’t want to think about anything…” 

This...this couldn’t be real. He couldn’t be here, holding Bajo in his arms, their lips so infuriatingly close...but somehow, miraculously, it was. He was here and he was real and he didn’t want to think, and far be it from Cia not to help him out. 

“...Then don’t.” 

And then he was on him again, kissing him with the passion he’d kept stored away in his heart for months, and before he knew it they were stumbling back to the bed, arms around each others and lips kissing any patch of skin they could find as they fell back onto the plush mattress, Bajo on his back with Cia hovering overtop of him. He cupped his gorgeous face in his hands, those fucking incredible amber eyes just staring up at him in awe as they paused for just a moment to take it all in. Their walls had crumbled, their inhibitions melted away, and their desperation was not unlike the storm raging outside, chaotic and thunderous, just demanding to be satisfied. With a rough sigh, Cia buried his face into Bajo’s neck, sucking patches of skin between his teeth and littering him with little bruises, reveling in the gorgeous little sounds he got him to make. The sight of each splotchy purple mark only egged him on further, and when he finally lifted his head, Bajo’s neck looked like he’d practically been mauled and it was perfection. He smiled brightly- he was so happy, so incredibly happy, and he couldn’t help but lean in for another kiss, taken in by how perfectly their lips seemed to fit together. His hand traveled down the front of him, settling over his cock where it tented the front of his pants, and he groaned roughly against his lips as he began to palm at him. 

“Cia…” he moaned against his lips. He grinned, continuing to kiss him as he unzipped his pants and let his hand slip inside, now only separated from his cock by a thin pair of underwear. He felt him tense up a bit, so he slowed down, letting his hand drag smoothly over his cock as he kissed down his jaw once more. “C-Cia…” 

God, the sound of his name on his lips was glorious, all rough and quiet. It made him nibble reverently at his skin as he finally, finally slipped underneath the waistband of his boxer briefs, ready to finally feel how his cock felt in his hand-

“Ciaróg!” he shouted, shoving roughly at his shoulders until he fell from the bed, sprawled out against the floor. Cia stared up at him, eyes widening as confusion turned to fear when he saw Bajo curl in on himself, his fingers tangled painfully in his hair. “I can’t, this is wrong, I...I can’t.” And then he was taking off, haphazardly buttoning up his pants as he fled the room, calling out for…

No. No.

Like a flash, Cia was after him, chasing him down the halls but never managing to catch up, calling after him desperately because no, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, not like this. Bajo finally turned into the smoking room and slammed the doors behind him, and when Cia finally reached them, they were locked. He pounded desperately against the wood, ignoring the pain blooming across his fists.

 “Bajo! BAJO! You open this fuckin’ door right now!” he shouted. 

“Zhuk, please, you have to do it, please!” 

“You don’t know what you’re asking of me, I can’t, I won’t-”

“Just try! Please, I can’t deal with this anymore, I...I love him too much, Zhuk. And it hurts...if you don’t want me to leave this estate, you’ll do this for me.” 

Cia felt frozen in abject terror. The only thing separating him from Bajo was a God-forsaken door that he couldn’t pound his way through, and the longer he went with that door shut, the more icy fear took hold in his stomach. He had to get in, he had to-

“Bajo! Bajo please, you don’t have to do this! We’ll work this out together, I’ll do anythin’ you need, be anythin’ you need. Don’t...don’t give up on me.”

He was whimpering pitifully, he knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself. He’d let go of his pride and beg on his knees if he had to. He just heard Bajo say he loved him, and now he expected him to be OK with losing him? He heard Bajo make his way over to the door and his breath hitched, a sudden burst of hope melting the terror that was threatening to freeze his heart. 

“Cia…” Please. Please. “...Mi amor, I’m so sorry.” 

“No...no. Don’t,” he choked out, a rough, haggard whisper that likely didn’t even penetrate through the door. The fear was back as he heard Bajo moving away, back to the center of the room to meet his fate, and he began pounding against the wood with his fists, desperate tears beginning to roll down his cheeks as he begged. “Bajo, please! PLEASE!” 

“Do it,” Bajo said solemnly. All Cia could hear was Zhuk beginning to murmur in Russian, a soothing phrase he’d heard so many times before, God, he couldn’t lose him, he wouldn’t lose him, please, no, no, no. 

“You...you fuckin’ coward!” he screamed, his voice breaking around desperate sobs. “You bloody prick! You selfish bastard! Let me in, let me in, don’t forget about me, please, please!” 

He went to pound at the door again when it suddenly opened, revealing a haggard looking Zhuk looking as apologetic as he could, with Bajo on his knees in the middle of the room, trembling as he stared solemnly at the floor. 

“He...is he…?” Cia couldn’t finish his question, his throat closing around his words as he nearly started sobbing again. 

“I...I couldn’t do it,” Zhuk replied, looking almost as pained as he looked over his broken comrade. “I tried, but...to remove his feelings for you would do irreversible damage to his mind. You...you’re too central, too important, for you to be removed cleanly. There’s no telling what erasing his feelings for you from his mind would do to him.” 

Despite the absolutely broken man he saw before him, Cia couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. He still had him, his Bajo, and he knew that they could get through this together if Bajo would just let him in. He moved cautiously towards him, and when Bajo didn’t even seem to acknowledge his presence, he knelt down carefully next to him.

“Bajo...mo grá...” he reached out to brush his hair away from his forehead and was met with a rough growl and Bajo slapping his hand away. 

“Don’t touch me,” he snarled. He raised up from the floor and grabbed a crystal ashtray from the side table, throwing it furiously towards the wall and watching it shatter into little shards. Before Cia could even blink, he was stalking out the door, pushing past Zhuk into the hallway. 

“Bajo, wait!” Zhuk called out, chasing after him with Cia not far behind. Before they could reach him, the front door to the estate was flung open, the blustery winds of the storm blowing the pouring rain through the doorway as Bajo stood in the entryway, illuminated briefly by a flash of lightning as he turned back to look them over, the look in his eyes almost apologetic behind the broken sadness before he darted off into the night. 

“Bajo!” Cia shouted, rushing to the doorway to try and catch him, but the night was so dark apart from the momentary flashes of lightning that if he was even still close to the estate, he would be completely shrouded with shadow. The further Bajo moved away from their home, the more his loss seemed to settle in Cia’s heart, his entire body seemingly going cold as he fell to his knees, sudden sobs wracking his body as he cried brokenly into Zhuk’s awaiting arms, with him having knelt down to meet him as he fell. He tried to let Zhuk’s warmth comfort him, but he simply couldn’t. Bajo was gone, off to who knows where, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

...Well...Almost nothing. 

As he cried, he reached up and yanked at the small iron pendant hanging around his neck, tossing it out the door as a signal. I’m unprotected. Come and find me.

Because Cia was willing to do anything, work with anyone, in order to get Bajo back. 

(I’m currently writing a follow up to this that’ll make things momentarily worse, and then better. Stay tuned)

[wexhappyxfew]

Writing - The Soldier of Stars: Band of Brothers

recently, ive really been cracking down on writing my most recent band of brothers story, the soldier of stars, which had been previously named metanoia. and i just wanted to introduce you all to the characters. i got a little anxious writing today and overwhelmed, i dont even know why, and i decided that just to do something like this would be fun and cute just so i could show these characters ive created! :)

The Soldier of Stars

* Alternate History Genre *

Where the US Military decides to bring in women from branches of the military that had been created for women, such as the WAC, SPARs, and the Cadet Nurses’ Corps. These 3 women end up being selected as part of the 250 women for the program, something the public eye will not know about. These 3 women have been selected to join the Airborne, specifically the 101st Airborne and part of the 506th Infantry Division as members of Easy Company. This will be their story.

DISCLAIMER: all ranks shown below are their ranks at the end of the war. :)

Sergeant Hazel Parker

played by sophie cookson

Hazel Parker is the main oc in The Soldier of Stars. Hazel Parker comes from the town of Pigeon Forge, a little town in the Appalachian Mountains of Tennessee. Hazel has always been recollected as someone who is humble, quiet, doesn’t speak much about herself, and fairly closed off to other people. She usually has issues when it comes to trusting people, and she is one to stray away from large amounts of people. She feels safer alone.

Hazel, as a child, had always been deeply fascinated with the stars, but ever since her father left, they’d always been a constant in her life to look up to and admire from afar. They brought safety, and comfort and light in a various amount of situations.

She lives with her mother, in a comfortable little cabin in the woods in the mountains, and was trained as someone who could use a weapon and hunt. Her father had taught her for years before he left the family during the Depression.

So when she went to become part of the WAC, she trained hard and humbly, with a silent, but can do attitude that immediately drew the attention of the other girls. Hazel had signed up to be part of the program for women to be intergrated into the US Military with the men.

She would be a sniper for the paratroopers, using an M1903A4 rifle with a Redfield scope, and become one of the deadliest surprises the Germans would face in the war.

Lieutenant Catherine McCown

played by victoria pendretti

Catherine McCown is a secondary oc in The Soldier of Stars. Catherine comes from upstate New York, from a family farm in Saratoga Springs. Catherine has always been a powerful force, from a family full of military leaders. She’s always level-headed and can make quick decisions, and she’s always regarded as highly intelligent and valedictorian of her senior class. She regards many of her successes to the tough teachers she had that helped her along the way.

Catherine had a large family, her mother and father had welcomed 6 children into the world, and 3 had gone off to the war. Catherine felt obligated that she were to go too, but with restrictions where women could fight and what they could, Catherine could only get as far as SPARs.

SPARs was the perfect opportunity for Catherine to get as close to the war as she could. She quickly rose through the ranks in her training in Oklahoma, and by the end of training she was the equivalent of a platoon leader in the Army.

She was popular amongst the women in SPARs but she never let it get to her head. A good leader never let it get to their head and Catherine always went by that. But Catherine was virtually like a mother to the women she trained with in many ways, a few years older than most of them, and she was wise beyond her years in many senses. It was a weight she carried around, though, but she learned to hold that up, because she didn’t want to let anyone down.

She had seen enough of the dehumanizing war and was first to sign up when the lists came out for the program to get women into the military. She was accepted as a member of the Airborne, with Easy Company as a rifleman, using a Thompson as her choice of weapon. Catherine would go on to use her quick-thinking, and charming intelligent skills she had aquired over the years to assist Easy Company in any way she could and to fight for what was right.

Corporal ( Doc ) Elizabeth Elliot

played by madelyn cline

Elizabeth Elliot is a secondary oc in The Soldier of Stars. Elizabeth comes from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she comes from a family of doctors and nurses. She spent her summers on Lake Michigan and her winters at the local hospital doing volunteer work, while attending college for her degree. Elizabeth is regarded as a happy and helpful person, who, when the time is right, takes charge on situations and becomes the face to look for. She knows how to stay calm in scary and overwhelming situations and she has been told to have a gentle touch that can calm anybody with a serious injury.

One of Elizabeth’s biggest motivators is her grandmother, who has cancer. She got Luekemia, and even though she puts on a brave face, Elizabeth knows when her grandmother is hurting. Elizabeth is the same way, she hides her emotions and how she truly feels from people because she believes that will make it better in the end. But Elizabeth knows that attachment is most cases can be the thing that destroys you.

She knows joining the Cadet Nurses’ Corps is the right place to go when the war breaks out. She signed up almost immediately and was quickly brought into the program. With her years of experience the followed her, she rose through the ranks so that by graduation, she was one of the main officers in charge of teaching new women that came in how the Corps ran.

When news broke that 250 women would be accepted into the military as program to get women intergrated into the US Military with men, Elizabeth, though hesitant, signed up. She was assigned to the 101st, along with Easy Company and eventually a combat medic. She was fighting for her grandmother and for those in the hospital she couldn’t save.

Elizabeth would become one of the most prominent combat medics of Easy Company, and a force to be reckoned with when you went against instructions, but she would be the gentle face you would see, when you thought there was no happiness left.

=====================================

This story is Alternate History so this did not actually happen during World War 2. But I believed that the prominece of women who were involved in different branches of the military in different programs were important even if they weren’t on the front lines. So bringing them closer to the war in this way through this sort of genre, was an exciting idea I discussed with a writer friend, that I hope that anyone who wants to read it would be happy too! :)

I am currently on Episode 10 of writing, and I an hoping to update soon as well. Currently, it is only on Wattpad, under the same username wexhappyxfew, and there are 11 parts up currently, showing the characters and giving background, a short summary and a prologue as well!

If you want, I can possibly start posting little things of how and why I characterized my characters the way I did, why I titled the story, why I went with the routes I went with for where the characters come from. Different things like that. I feel I would enjoy it and it would help with writing. So basically if you have any questions mostly! :) 💛

thank you all who have read this!!

[marginsofmarga]

Great Hope Amidst the Pandemic

As much as possible, we totally want to be in control of our lives. We take time to manage personal goals which are the big things to work for and accomplish such as receiving a diploma, getting married and having a family, starting our own business, becoming a big-time executive, or traveling the globe and such. These are essentially some of the things we want to do in life and in preparation for that, we plan. There may be small interruptions like atmospherical conditions, heavy traffic or sickness and we're used to it. But in an unexpected instance, in a snap, a pandemic called Coronavirus hit us by surprise and consumed us within months. Worst case scenario: it is a huge interruption everywhere with no specific vaccine.

Everyone has been writing on this and I don't know where to start. When I first heard about Coronavirus, there was a certain fear I felt as if my heart skipped a beat, wondering what repercussions it may create. By researching, I came to understand that it's highly contagious, attacks the respiratory system and no one is an exception especially the immuno-compromised ones. Knowing the fact that there is no cure for this disease heightened up my worries — for myself, my loved ones, my nation and the world.

The world is grippling with an invisible, deadly enemy. I had a feeling that it will be one heck of a ride. This pandemic got me feeling a roller coaster of emotions. I was not in my comfort zone. I had a lot of what-ifs. Before quarantine started, usual activities were still allowed despite having early cases in the country so I couldn’t help being paranoid at school, while commuting, while going to the mall and going outside with no choice but to be exposed to a lot of people which made me totally anxious and wonder "what if I get the virus" so, I did the best ways possible not to catch it. I sanitized every now and then, did limit interactions, took vitamins, used face mask and became extra careful when going out. After school, in the dorm where I stay, I really make sure to keep my health in check so I wash my hands, eat and sleep properly. Let me just say that living a little away from home sucks especially when there's a sudden global virus. I had to take care of everything myself. I was longing for security. I just wished I could go home.

There was a time back then when I really had a hard time sleeping that I fell asleep at 4 o'clock in the morning so it led to overthinking and unwanted panic attacks. Fears abound. Such uncertainty. How long will it last? What if I get sick since I lack sleep? What will happen next? Worries kept rippling because aside from these, there were school requirements to fufill, an overall health to watch and uncertain future to come so it was absolutely tough for me and took a toll on my mental health.

Days before ECQ was imposed, it was another day full of worries and not being in control. Classes were suspended due to more cases detected. So I packed my luggage, took a 1-hour ride to get home and finally be with my family. It felt good to walk into our doorstep but even if quarantine was imposed, oh God, my worries didn’t fade. Fear and anxiety were still present. During the first week of ECQ, I still got panic attacks and sleep issues. I was deeply overwhelmed. That’s why I willingly shared my thoughts to my go-to person, my mom. It's been a long time since I had a panic attack and that time, it was difficult to control and worse, even my sleep was affected. My mom would calm me down by helping me meditate with a bunch of essential oils and by staying present. I also talked over the phone to my Kuya who's in Manila and with other loved ones so it eased out my agony. Their words comforted me. Their company patted my back. I started to feel safe. I felt much better. I stopped dwelling on the negativity. I looked into the blessings which I'm really grateful for. I prayed to God. I consciously focused on the fact that I'm alive and I have a purpose. I knew I just had to shift my perspective. I started to heal. I started to pick up my broken pieces like a puzzle waiting to be solved.

Well, there’s always a new day. The virus is still there, but no one’s stopping me from overcoming my fears and doing what I love. Let’s face life no matter what. Since I'm really a home person, I didn't bother much about things to do in quarantine. These are the things that kept me going while staying at home: I do love being active so after getting up in the morning, I would pray and think about the things I'm grateful for. After that, I would turn the television on, go to Youtube and do my usual workout routine (a good sweat releases endorphins). I also got to bake some goodies, learn to cook new recipes and get creative with my makeup looks. I also do household chores and binge-watch my favorite shows on Netflix right after. I even do some home photoshoot so I get to play dress up. Spending time with my family 24/7 is a major blessing I experience amidst the crisis. Every night, I pray to God and talk to him sincerely. Prayers are the best antidote and His hands are my safe haven.

These were some of the meals I cooked.

These were some selfies I took during quarantine as I get creative with my makeup looks to avoid overthinking.

Watching my favorite series, FRIENDS. A good laugh comes a long way.

With regards to academics, as a student and as a person, I was firm on my stand to push for mass promotion of all students. Considering the situation and ongoing threat of the global crisis, health is greatly at risk. I voiced out my opinion on social media. In my little way, I wanted to help those near around me to come to our house for internet access if ever mass promotion didn’t push through. Good thing my professors were considerate enough to pass us all even if the university didn’t go for mass promotion at first. Luckily, a new memo from our school’s administration came to a decision in benefit of the students. Mass promotion pushed through.

This is a screenshot of my Mass Promotion post where I voiced out what I felt.

Just yesterday, I received a bad news. It felt devastating to lose one of the best professors I had. We didn’t see it coming. He suffered from severe pneumonia and tuberculosis. He was one of the people who believes in me and appreciates my passion. He had expert communication skills and a strong work ethic. Not to mention his great sense of humor that kept every discussion in class fun. I have always admired him. I will surely miss Sir Guban. Heaven gained an angel. May he rest in peace.

This is Sir Guban, one of my best professors who just passed away.

Giving shape to time is indeed important now when the future is so shapeless. The pandemic is a whole new ballgame with new rules being created each day. We are challenged to let go of normalcy and face a new one. I know it’s hard to gain a perspective when you are in the middle of such uncertainty; to make sense of what is going on and how the future will emerge. But I have learned that I need to trust the process because eventually, it will unleash a better version of myself, a stronger one. As I began to reflect on the reality of such a virus and trying to contain it, it became clear that it says something quite wonderful about humanity. It says that we have the capacity to shift out of our comfort zones and to quite literally work together to save our lives and the lives of others. There is a tremendous hope for humanity being demonstrated around us. We can choose to walk through it lightly, with a little luggage, ready to imagine another world and ready to fight for it. Life may hit us hard countless times but I found out that it’s about finding ways to get back up again and moving forward despite the greatest obstacles.

Always wear your face mask, sanitize, be mindful and be safe.

This is a contribution to ComCo Southeast Asia’s “Write to Ignite Blogging Project”. The initiative is a response to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis. Igniting and championing the human spirit, “Write to Ignite Blog Project” aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. This project is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, co-presented Eastern Communications and sponsored by Electrolux, Jobstreet and Teleperformance.

[esperata]

16, 17, and 18 for behind the scenes if you’d like 💛💛💛💛

16. What is your most underrated fic?

Tough to answer but probably one of my Spones ones, "Turn and Believe". It was a bit of an experiment combining song lyrics with quotations from the series that I felt exemplified the song. I think I was hoping for a bit of discussion in the comments but it never happened.

17. What fic are you most proud of?

I think that would be "Pax Penguina". Its my longest fic and I completed it as my nanowrimo project so it will always stand as a proud achievement when I look back on it. That and I felt it accomplished everything story-wise I wanted from it. Still toying with the idea of a sequel...

18. What is a line/scene you're really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary of that scene.

Ooh. Okay, going to put this under a read more since it might get long and the scene happens in a bed. Its from “Innocent Until Proven Guilty”.

He broke away with a gasp as he suddenly registered it was the other’s thoughts permeating his brain and then realised with mortification that he was already hard and pressing his hips to Oswald’s thigh. Even through the undoubtedly heavy tog duvet there was little chance of him not noticing, though the blush in his cheeks was equally likely from their kissing.

With a self-conscious cough, Ed deliberately peeled his lower half away. His desperation to continue rubbing himself was soothed slightly by Oswald’s clearly grateful smile at the retreat and he focused on calming his breathing.

“No need to ask if you enjoyed that I suppose,” Oswald said in an obvious attempt to break the tension yet Ed couldn’t help but cough awkwardly again as his cheeks flamed.

Rolling onto his back he forced his hands to his sides and attempted to ignore the hard on currently dampening his pants. Next to him Oswald shifted as well, edging closer and propping himself up in a manner reminiscent of Ed earlier.

“It had the same effect on me,” he said softly.

That brought Ed’s gaze immediately back and he just knew his pupils must have swallowed his irises by now.

“You’re hard?” he asked, just to be sure.

Oswald nodded in response and Ed could see his adam’s apple bobbing.

“Do you want to-?”

Ed didn’t finish his question as Oswald’s averted glance was clear enough that it would be a step too far right now. He nodded to himself and tried to refocus his mind on less erotic thoughts. No-one ever died from a neglected erection and if he ignored it long enough it would go down on its own.

Letting out a breath he considered the plan again; get some rest, wake early enough to finish drying the rug, check the room and then return to his bedroom before anyone noticed anything amiss. Satisfied there was nothing overlooked he promptly stood and pulled back the duvet to settle properly in bed with Oswald. The action broke whatever thoughts Oswald had been lost in and he shifted instinctively to give him room. Ed took deliberate care in removing his glasses, folding them, and putting them on the nightstand in an effort to give him time to regroup. Even so as Ed lay down he found himself awkwardly aware of the other man balanced at the distance of just close enough to touch and too near to be a safe distance. He could feel the renewed tension in the air and realised Oswald probably felt the same nervousness.

“I’ve never slept with anyone before,” Ed commented, hoping to assure him that his anxiety was normal even as he shifted to get comfortable.

“Oh, um, I haven’t either.” Oswald’s hands fidgeted with the hem of his duvet, subconsciously pulling it up. “I mean, I hadn’t even kissed anyone before you but… I have… lube-” He tailed off with a profuse blush that ran right to his ear tips that Ed could see despite his face being resolutely turned away.

“Oh no,” Ed interrupted, suddenly realising the misunderstanding. “That wasn’t what I meant. Oswald.”

He reached out a hand, trying to tip his face back to look at him and heart breaking at the absolute terror writ large there.

“Please believe me Oswald, I will never do anything with you that will make you uncomfortable. Of course you’re not ready yet. I realised that as soon as I asked. I’m sorry I let you think any differently.”

Some of his anxiety eased as he saw Oswald breathe deeply and nod. Stroking his cheek softly Ed continued, needing to be absolutely sure there was no further misunderstanding.

“I need you to promise me you’ll tell me,” he insisted. “I won’t always know otherwise and it would kill me to find out afterwards I’d discomforted you in any manner. Promise me. If ever I suggest something you’re not happy with, talk to me.”

“I promise. But there’s going to be a lot I’m not comfortable with,” he added apologetically. “I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. Quite frankly it all terrifies me right now.”

Taking his hand back, Ed gave him his space again and offered a smile.

“That’s alright. I don’t know how a lot of it works yet either. We can find out together. There’s no rush.”

“I want to be ready,” Oswald protested in a petulant huff.

“And you will be. Just give yourself time. Tonight’s hardly the ideal situation anyway.” He finally saw the tautness ease from Oswald’s brow and let go of his own worry. “Now. I should have asked before but, do you mind me sleeping here tonight?”

Alright, so I was really happy with the feeling of this scene. That nervous awkwardness of being with a new partner (or in Oswald’s case his first partner) with neither of them exactly on the same page to begin with. What I wanted to convey was both Oswald’s anxious eagerness to experience this with Ed conflicting with his innate fear of it all.

Generally with Gotham Oswald I visualise him as asexual or demi-sexual and that was what I had in mind here. He has a lot of feelings bubbling round, primarily love, but events have also generated a bit more lust than he’s accustomed to. He’s curious, and loves Ed enough to want to at least try it, but its still too soon for him to have dealt with all that.

If Ed hadn’t recognised that fact then I fully believe Oswald would have gone along with it regardless of his own hesitance. Partly because he believes that to be both expected and normal and perhaps because he’s very much the type to make those sorts of sacrifices for whoever he loves. People could so easily take advantage of him.

It was really important to me that just because Oswald verbally implies consent, it did not mean Ed had carte blanche to go ahead. His body language is giving an entirely different message and Ed sees that and takes notice. He makes it absolutely clear to Oswald that his comfort is paramount, phrasing it so Oswald knows it is for Ed’s benefit as much as his own.

Oswald is huffy at what he perceives as his own hurdle he’s failed to overcome which is I think an issue many ace people might have faced. That we’d like it if we got over ourselves and tried it. Why can’t we just feel ‘normal’? It would be so easy for Ed to offer to guide him through it, or let him show him how good it could be (and in other fics and situations that might be appropriate, just not here)

So although there’s an initial misunderstanding where Os prepares for the worse while Ed is blissfully ignorant, I’m happy because they deal with this like reasonable adults and actually talk about consent and boundaries. Which frankly should be an integral part of every person’s healthy relationship.

[forestwater87]

hi! can i ask how you go about writing gwen? i’ve rewatched a bunch of her episodes and am still having trouble getting her on paper!

Okay, first you’re going to need to get a time machine and travel back in time to the summer of 2016, just after season 1 ended, when she had like 3 character traits and a couple dozen lines and zero fanfics, then fill her with elements of your own personality and project wildly onto her, slowly falling into deeper and darker despair as canon!Gwen becomes less like your iteration of the character with every season.

At least, that’s what I did, and it worked like gangbusters.

Fine, let’s try a serious answer. Gwen’s interesting because, despite how frequently she appears in the show and how much we love the shit out of her, it wasn’t really until seasons 3-4 that her backstory and less surface-level characteristics started getting filled in. She’s an ever-present enigma in a lot of ways.

So start with what we know for damn sure: 

She doesn’t like working at Camp Campbell.

She’s an anxious, emotional mess. 

She’s lazy when it comes to things she doesn’t care about, but is willing and able to step up when it’s called for.

She enjoys writing fan fiction and has a passion -- if not necessarily a talent -- for smut, drama, romance, violence, and monsterfucking. (Some of these things overlap.)

Her father’s an extremely successful musician, and their relationship is . . . complicated.

She’s beautiful and perfect and in love with David and also my girlfriend. Okay, that’s not true. This is where the projecting comes in, dang it.

Honestly, there’s . . . not a lot of there there. I think that’s why some fans are kind of bored by her, and why others absolutely love the shit out of her. Her personality is rock-solid -- seriously, just write “bored and seemingly uncaring with a heart of gold and a lust for monsters” and you’ve got a very solid Gwen portrayal right there -- but the backstory is virtually nonexistent, and that’s the bits you get to have fun with. 

For example, with all of our facts we have:

She doesn’t like working at Camp Campbell. Okay, but why doesn’t she like working there? Is it just because it’s dilapidated and Campbell is a shithead? Did she ever like working here and got burned out by its overwhelming mediocrity, or was she forced to take this job and hated it from day one? What’s the worst part of it for her: is it working with kids? Is it working with these kids? Is it the outdoors stuff? The lack of resources? That her coworker is an adorable goddamned idiot who doesn’t know how to adult? 

She’s an anxious, emotional mess. Anxiety, parasocial relationships (do those apply when talking about fictional characters and/or monsters?), serious doubt and/or regret about her life choices, a complicated and unclear sexuality . . . there’s a lot going on with Gwen. She is trash, and we love her. Add to it that she’s a psych major, and how little we know about her backstory, and she’s a great opportunity to armchair-psychologist and/or overidentify all over the place. Do you have emotional issues or identities you’d like to project onto someone? Congratulations -- Gwen now has all of those too!

She’s lazy when it comes to things she doesn’t care about, but is willing and able to step up when it’s called for. She’s a lot like Max in this way, which I think is why people are such a fan of their dynamic. She cares very deeply about some things and not at all about others, and it’s fun trying to parse out what will make her give a shit. It seems like high enough stakes will make her step up, but her idea of important is very different from David’s a lot of the time. Hell, for all we know her investment in her job changes on as little as her mood; that’s part of what you get to try and figure out as she takes shape in your writing.

She enjoys writing fan fiction and has a passion -- if not necessarily a talent -- for smut, drama, romance, violence, and monsterfucking. (Some of these things overlap.) Not gonna lie, as a book snob I had the hardest time accepting that my girl loves 50 Shades knockoffs. Her tastes are . . . I don’t wanna say bad, but they do tend to be what is popularly considered the lowest common denominator: reality TV, fashion magazines, bodice-ripping romances, paranormal tween novels. Basically, anything with lots of sex and violence seems to be her jam. It creates a really interesting dichotomy, in that she reads all the time, but isn’t necessarily what we’d call well-read. She’s a nerd, but the “worst” kind: a fangirl, and arguably the most adolescent kind. Yet she has a liberal arts degree, which tends to focus heavily on literary and creative arts, so snobs like me would assume she should know better. Apparently pretentious college English classes didn’t rub off on her all that much. I don’t have much in the way of leading questions for this one, because unless you want to psychoanalyze why she enjoys Prison Teen Mom Wars (as I most definitely do), you just sort of need to be aware of and use the fact that she enjoys high-octane drama, fighting, and kinky sex.

Her father’s an extremely successful musician, and their relationship is . . . complicated. Really, there’s two ways to work with this: either Gwen just has a normal “millennial embarrassed by her boomer dad” relationship, which is relatable to the max but doesn’t have a ton of angst fodder, or she’s dealing with some deep-seated issues about being a show toddler and/or failing to live up to his creative legacy (or whatever other parent-child problems you could imagine). Her mom is a complete nonentity. There’s definitely love between her and at least one parent, and that needs to be incorporated into any sort of discussion about her dad, but I don’t think their problems have been magically solved, which has to potential for lots of interesting scenarios.

She’s beautiful. She doesn’t think she’s beautiful, that’s for sure. One Direction in its early period of completely sucking would have lots of opinions about this, but if you don’t think Gwen is a snack (snacc? I’m very old and out of touch), you’re wrong and also not welcome on this blog.

The fun part, in my opinion, is trying to fill in the blank spaces. If I was starting out my own creation of Gwen, I’d focus first on these points: what they tell us about her, and more importantly what they don’t.

I think the hardest thing about writing Gwen -- at least, what I struggle most with -- is trying to soften her up. I took her “crippling anxiety and regret” and filled it in with all my own angst, and I think a lot of fans do that; it’s one of the great things about her, her potential for angst. But despite crying a lot (more, I believe, than any other character except mayyyybe David), she’s not especially sensitive toward other people. And I think it’s tempting to take our love for her and translate it into her being much more perfect and snuggly than she actually is. It’s an incredibly hard balance to strike, and in my opinion this makes her the hardest character to write besides Max, which makes sense, considering #3 up there.

So my advice for that would be: lean into the bitchiness. Let her be blunt and dismissive; she’s more than that, of course, and I think one of the reasons people have gravitated so much toward gwom-type portrayals is her genuine concern and even affection towards other people, but focusing too hard on her kindness and/or her angst tends to push aside the trash goblin Gwen we all fell in love with.

Let her be a trash goblin. She deserves it.

[saezutte]

yuletide letter 2020

Dear Yuletide Writer, 

Oh, hello again. I didn’t see you there.

This year, I have transcended earthly desires and struggled to find any fandoms to request. I want nothing. I wish my cat was nominated as a Yuletide fandom so we could all write stories about her life. 

Nonetheless, I have some small requests!!!! I believe you can make me happy in ways I’ve never been happy before. I trust you. Happy end of 2020, the cursed year, I hope you are blessed with rest. 

My AO3: saezutte

My public twitter: juncassis

My tumblr: here but I do not use tumblr much anymore, sorry.

Do Not Wants

[note: I have no actual triggers, nothing you can write for me will make me any more depressed or anxious than I already am]

Death (of major/important/beloved characters)

Suicide attempts, self-harm

Rape (outright; OK with dub con, manipulation, noncon short of violent-rape-for-violence-only)

Eating disorders, body shaming

Angst without a happy ending, really too much angst at all

Established relationship

Cheating

Actual Unrequited Feelings

Pregnancy (the actual process; breeding kink is fine)

Scat or watersports

Hard BDSM or any kink complicated enough that the characters would have to discuss it ahead of time

Homophobia as a plot device

Excessive attention to identity or politics, sometimes known as “issue fic”

Note on AUs: I am ok with the usual popular AU tropes but I do not want them combined, e.g. A/B/O is fine and coffeeshop is fine, but I don’t want an omega barista getting his scent all over the lattes he makes for some alpha lawyer who comes in every morning. (Ridiculous example, but you get the point.) For AU/modern settings of fandoms with magic, I often like it when the magic is still there in the AU setting. I also like AUs which maintain the general outlines of the character’s relationships, like if the characters are childhood friends in canon, I like to keep that intact.

General preferences:

I am a pretty basic bitch when it comes to fanfic: I like it when two clueless boys pine for each other through some shenanigans and then lock eyes/lips/dicks.

If you fed a neural net every fanfic written in Stargate Atlantis fandom between 2005 and 2010, the result would probably be some nonsense I’d enjoy.

I love many tropes. Tropes! Bed-sharing. Sharing an umbrella. WASHING EACH OTHER’S HAIR? Confessions where they are having an argument and then one of them yells “Because I love you!”

I love situations where characters are forced to spend time in close proximity and find themselves with feelings.

I love fakeness: fake dating, fake marriage, arranged marriage, marriage of convenience, fake lust induced by sex pollen or heats, aliens make them have sex, whatever.

I love porn, if you want to just write me some quick porn, that’s great. I do prefer (per the established relationship DNW above) that it be first time or get together porn. I know that can make it hard to just write porn, but I don’t need much to be convinced of sex.

Nirvana in Fire (TV)

Requested characters: Mei Changsu, Xiao Jingyan

Note: I also love Lin Chen so if you want to write some MCS/LC or LC/Fei Liu or LC/MCS/JINGYAN OT3??? go for it. I am also a Nihuang/Xia Dong shipper so if you want to put that in… somehow… my gay little heart would be happy. I also like Nihuang/MCS/XJY or MNH/MCS + MCS/XJY but I’d like the focus on the men in that case!

I watched this show because someone recommended this show to me as, like, Chinese Game of Thrones but good. I think it’s genuinely one of the best TV shows I’ve ever seen. I love plots and revenge and good people doing bad things for justice. Even the ending is good for me though obviously it left me unsatisfied on several points.

I am deeply into sickly doomed genius MCS and every time he got even more deeply ill, I fell deeper in love. Every time he coughs up blood, my heart would race. I love his terrible schemes and stupid self-sacrificing choices. I find watching this show very soothing because I knew he would always come out on top in his schemes. I trust him. I love handsome clueless Jingyan and how he’s just so good (it’s terrible.) I love his mom and how much he cares for her. I love him but he is useless, he needs his Xiao Shu and I need fanfic to restore him to him.

Note: So my limited research on this says that male/male sex practices were accepted and well-known in this time period in history, so I really don’t want them thinking “oh no what are these weird gay feelings.” There are other barriers to them being together, like a ruler or official being overly attached to one person was considered very bad. I am also a big supporter of the socially-approved polygamy of this time period, so I don’t need Jingyan to refuse to sleep with his wife or something out of loyalty to MCS—he has to do it! Or all their plans are ruined! And he can enjoy spending time with her or the concubines without affecting his feelings for MCS—you could explore that complexity in fic if you like.Prompts:

Mei Changsu isn’t dead, he’s hiding again, Jingyan searches for him

They start having sex during the series, the ending is averted [somehow]

Post-canon, MCS is alive and Jingyan hides him in the palace with his consort/concubines to keep him on as an advisor without anyone objecting

omega verse where MCS was an alpha before he “died" but an omega after he came back.

AU where male/male marriage is customary (maybe aristocratic men are expected to have one male and one female consort?) and so MCS decides the best way to influence and help Jingyan in the capital is by becoming his wife or one of his concubines

anything just get them together and happy.

Tokyo Babylon 

Characters: Subaru, Seishiro

I read Tokyo Babylon as a child and I imprinted on it deeply, now I love politics, ghosts, stalking, age differences, magic. Within the CLAMP canon, I love TB for its episodic focus on smaller stories, the commentary on contemporary society, and Seishiro being an outright creep. I love onmyojutsu and exorcism and Subaru’s innocence getting ruined. I love the city of Tokyo (where I currently live! but do not be intimidated, I don’t know the city well because we’ve been in quarantine most of the time I’ve been here and won’t judge you for details.) I’m open to fics that comply with X canon or not.

With Seishiro/Subaru: It’s bad but I love that predator/prey dynamic where the predator ends up being hopelessly entranced/obsessed/in love with the prey. My read was always that Seishiro lost the bet and couldn’t admit it—he’s just, you know, killing twins to avoid dealing with his feelings! Relatable! (?!?!) Subaru, I love particularly in his evolution from innocent to adult in love to betrayed. I’d prefer post-TB fic to during-TB fic (so Subaru knows Seishiro’s deal and loves him anyway.) I am also a fan of Hokuto and you should feel free to bring her back to life to troll if you desire.

Prompts:

AU or reincarnation plot where they are Heian period rival onmyoji

Because this is such a heavily place-based series, if you are a writer who likes to play with details of real life locations, I’d be interested in versions of different “Babylons” if you have an idea for it.

Tragic first times post-TB lol

Seishiro is a virgin the first time they have sex

I’d probably love some fucked up dub con for this, however you want to play it

Honestly, do whatever you want as long as you don’t fuck me over like CLAMP did.  

プリティーリズム | Pretty Rhythm

Characters: Hiro, Koji

Pretty Rhythm came to me at a weird time in my life. I lived in a house of spiders in Yokohama and did nothing for eight weeks. King of Prism cheer screening transformed my life and I didn’t even know what it was. Then I got weirdly deep into Rainbow Live and the Pretty Rhythm franchise overall. I am a scientist of prism theory. Idk why I like it, it’s just wholesome and crazy and there are penguins and DJ Koo. I love every TRF song because I’m a 90s gay at heart. It’s truly the end point of all media development. The prism world represents the fearsome power of virtual/digital+real hybrid life. Yes, I know I’ve lost my mind. I went to one of the real Prism Stone stores, the one in Harajuku.

Hiro Hayami: one time a fujoshi asked me to describe what types of anime boys I like and the first type I listed was “prince but bad” and my example was Hiro. Hiro is the crazy gay stalker disaster of my heart. He overcomes great hardship to achieve his dreams and foolishly falls in love along the way and he does everything wrong and Koji keeps leaving him. The moment when Hiro is crowned King of Prism in Pride the Hero was one of the top ten moments of my life. I made friends who don’t even know Japanese watch the movie unsubtitled with me on my birthday.

With Koji, I’m a bit guilty of “I want to give the character I love the most the character he loves the most” so I do like him less (it would be impossible to like him equal to how much I love Hiro). But he has many good points that make him perfect, like how he also sucks underneath his chill exterior. I love to see him go apeshit.

I also love everyone else in Rainbow Live, no exceptions. I love all the girls. If you do write the girls, I would prefer they not be paired with the OTR boys. I would prefer they be paired with each other, any combo is good.

Prompts:

this is the sort of pairing where I love fic where they split up and then 15 years later meet again as washed up has-beens but there’s still time for them to find each other

Canon-compliant companion piece showing the “background” of them getting together romantically over the course of the series.

AU where Koji is a prism world fairy sent to inspire Hiro but Hiro is kind of a mess

dirty, dirty porn… let Hiro get fucked

I have a lot of doujinshi with multiple copies of Hiro (a la the Mugen Hug jump) but I’d like something where Hiro gets overwhelmed by many Kojis

They start fake dating as a publicity stunt and have to keep doing it… especially good if it starts when Koji is at max hating Hiro level

Ring Fit Adventure 

Characters: Dragaux, Ring

Keeping this one simple: I like to be encouraged to exercise by a storyline and a trainer that never mentions weight loss, lol. The world is fun and pretty and I love that buff dragon.

AND THEN THE PAIRING. I’m sure Nintendo has some market research that told them a certain subset of users are very motivated by enemies who seemed to once be lovers or best friends. I am that user.

What is up with these two? They were so in love! Now Dragaux is a horrible swole bro (not in a good bro way) and Ring is training me instead? I can’t compete with their love. It’s the only time the game makes me feel inadequate.

You can keep Dragaux and Ring as dragon/ring-like as you like. Obviously I’m down with dragon fucking but you can also make him a human fucker too. I play with Ring on the masculine voice setting for maximum BL vibes as I exercise, but, you know, it’s a ring, I don’t think it has gender. Feel free to incorporate the player or other random characters too.

Prompts:

AU where Dragaux and Ring owned a gym together and Dragaux sold out to a big chain of gyms

What happened between them when Dragaux was still captured, pre-game? Bondage… literally??

Ring is always bossing me to train, but I’m really doing all the work. Why doesn’t he fight Dragaux on his own for once?? (because the sexual tension is too powerful.)

Tragic flashback to their dramatic break-up ending with their present day reconciliation.

Player/Dragaux/Ring threesome??? I’ve unlocked the sexercises???

With all fandoms, you are free to disregard the prompts and do your own thing. If you’re not sure about me, you can probably dm seriesera on twitter, she knows what I’m into. 

Well, I suppose that’s all for now. Please stalk me online to get more details on my bullshit. I hope you have a nice time.

Best,

Caitlin 

[arcticdementor]

But police violence, and Trump’s daily assaults on the presidential competence standard, are only part of the disaster. On the other side of the political aisle, among self-described liberals, we’re watching an intellectual revolution. It feels liberating to say after years of tiptoeing around the fact, but the American left has lost its mind. It’s become a cowardly mob of upper-class social media addicts, Twitter Robespierres who move from discipline to discipline torching reputations and jobs with breathtaking casualness.

The leaders of this new movement are replacing traditional liberal beliefs about tolerance, free inquiry, and even racial harmony with ideas so toxic and unattractive that they eschew debate, moving straight to shaming, threats, and intimidation. They are counting on the guilt-ridden, self-flagellating nature of traditional American progressives, who will not stand up for themselves, and will walk to the Razor voluntarily.

They’ve conned organization after organization into empowering panels to search out thoughtcrime, and it’s established now that anything can be an offense, from a UCLA professor placed under investigation for reading Martin Luther King’s “Letter from a Birmingham Jail” out loud to a data scientist fired* from a research firm for — get this — retweeting an academic study suggesting nonviolent protests may be more politically effective than violent ones!

Now, this madness is coming for journalism. Beginning on Friday, June 5th, a series of controversies rocked the media. By my count, at least eight news organizations dealt with internal uprisings (it was likely more). Most involved groups of reporters and staffers demanding the firing or reprimand of colleagues who’d made politically “problematic” editorial or social media decisions.

…

In the most discussed incident, Times editorial page editor James Bennet was ousted for green-lighting an anti-protest editorial by Arkansas Republican Senator Tom Cotton entitled, “Send in the troops.”

I’m no fan of Cotton, but as was the case with Michael Moore’s documentary and many other controversial speech episodes, it’s not clear that many of the people angriest about the piece in question even read it. In classic Times fashion, the paper has already scrubbed a mistake they made misreporting what their own editorial said, in an article about Bennet’s ouster.

…

As Cotton points out in the piece, he was advancing a view arguably held by a majority of the country. A Morning Consult poll showed 58% of Americans either strongly or somewhat supported the idea of “calling in the U.S. military to supplement city police forces.” That survey included 40% of self-described “liberals” and 37% of African-Americans. To declare a point of view held by that many people not only not worthy of discussion, but so toxic that publication of it without even necessarily agreeing requires dismissal, is a dramatic reversal for a newspaper that long cast itself as the national paper of record.

Incidentally, that same poll cited by Cotton showed that 73% of Americans described protecting property as “very important,” while an additional 16% considered it “somewhat important.” This means the Philadelphia Inquirer editor was fired for running a headline – “Buildings matter, too” – that the poll said expressed a view held by 89% of the population, including 64% of African-Americans.

…

The main thing accomplished by removing those types of editorials from newspapers — apart from scaring the hell out of editors — is to shield readers from knowledge of what a major segment of American society is thinking.

It also guarantees that opinion writers and editors alike will shape views to avoid upsetting colleagues, which means that instead of hearing what our differences are and how we might address those issues, newspaper readers will instead be presented with page after page of people professing to agree with one another. That’s not agitation, that’s misinformation.

The instinct to shield audiences from views or facts deemed politically uncomfortable has been in evidence since Trump became a national phenomenon. We saw it when reporters told audiences Hillary Clinton’s small crowds were a “wholly intentional” campaign decision. I listened to colleagues that summer of 2016 talk about ignoring poll results, or anecdotes about Hillary’s troubled campaign, on the grounds that doing otherwise might “help Trump” (or, worse, be perceived that way).

…

All these episodes sent a signal to everyone in a business already shedding jobs at an extraordinary rate that failure to toe certain editorial lines can and will result in the loss of your job. Perhaps additionally, you could face a public shaming campaign in which you will be denounced as a racist and rendered unemployable.

…

Even people who try to keep up with protest goals find themselves denounced the moment they fail to submit to some new tenet of ever-evolving doctrine, via a surprisingly consistent stream of retorts: fuck you, shut up, send money, do better, check yourself, I’m tired and racist.

…

Each passing day sees more scenes that recall something closer to cult religion than politics. White protesters in Floyd’s Houston hometown kneeling and praying to black residents for “forgiveness… for years and years of racism” are one thing, but what are we to make of white police in Cary, North Carolina, kneeling and washing the feet of Black pastors? What about Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer kneeling while dressed in “African kente cloth scarves”?

There is symbolism here that goes beyond frustration with police or even with racism: these are orgiastic, quasi-religious, and most of all, deeply weird scenes, and the press is too paralyzed to wonder at it. In a business where the first job requirement was once the willingness to ask tough questions, we’ve become afraid to ask obvious ones.

On CNN, Minneapolis City Council President Lisa Bender was asked a hypothetical question about a future without police: “What if in the middle of the night, my home is broken into? Who do I call?” When Bender, who is white, answered, “I know that comes from a place of privilege,” questions popped to mind. Does privilege mean one should let someone break into one’s home, or that one shouldn’t ask that hypothetical question? (I was genuinely confused). In any other situation, a media person pounces on a provocative response to dig out its meaning, but an increasingly long list of words and topics are deemed too dangerous to discuss.

The media in the last four years has devolved into a succession of moral manias. We are told the Most Important Thing Ever is happening for days or weeks at a time, until subjects are abruptly dropped and forgotten, but the tone of warlike emergency remains: from James Comey’s firing, to the deification of Robert Mueller, to the Brett Kavanaugh nomination, to the democracy-imperiling threat to intelligence “whistleblowers,” all those interminable months of Ukrainegate hearings (while Covid-19 advanced), to fury at the death wish of lockdown violators, to the sudden reversal on that same issue, etc.

It’s been learned in these episodes we may freely misreport reality, so long as the political goal is righteous. It was okay to publish the now-discredited Steele dossier, because Trump is scum. MSNBC could put Michael Avenatti on live TV to air a gang rape allegation without vetting, because who cared about Brett Kavanaugh – except press airing of that wild story ended up being a crucial factor in convincing key swing voter Maine Senator Susan Collins the anti-Kavanaugh campaign was a political hit job (the allegation illustrated, “why the presumption of innocence is so important,” she said). Reporters who were anxious to prevent Kavanaugh’s appointment, in other words, ended up helping it happen through overzealousness.

…

The traditional view of the press was never based on some contrived, mathematical notion of “balance,” i.e. five paragraphs of Republicans for every five paragraphs of Democrats. The ideal instead was that we showed you everything we could see, good and bad, ugly and not, trusting that a better-informed public would make better decisions. This vision of media stressed accuracy, truth, and trust in the reader’s judgment as the routes to positive social change.

For all our infamous failings, journalists once had some toughness to them. We were supposed to be willing to go to jail for sources we might not even like, and fly off to war zones or disaster areas without question when editors asked. It was also once considered a virtue to flout the disapproval of colleagues to fight for stories we believed in (Watergate, for instance).

Today no one with a salary will stand up for colleagues like Lee Fang. Our brave truth-tellers make great shows of shaking fists at our parody president, but not one of them will talk honestly about the fear running through their own newsrooms. People depend on us to tell them what we see, not what we think. What good are we if we’re afraid to do it?

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 37: How did we get here?

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As of this writing (but not of this posting) I have finally caught up with this series. As such I’m doing something a little different for this installment.

I’m going to talk about why I think this series has been received the way it has been.

To one extent or another, Marvel comics have been treating Mary Jane like utter shit for the better part of 15 years. The ways are too numerous to list.

Simply put they have dragged her through the mud whilst insulting her. Sometimes this is done overtly, other times slyly and underhandedly.

Without doubt the singular greatest example of this is the travesty that is ‘One Moment in Time’. It is nothing short of four issues of outright character assassination.

This treatment has naturally rubbed most Spider-Man fans the wrong way. This is because Mary Jane since her full debut in 1966 has been a very popular character. Even if some fans simply disliked her, judged her unfairly or took the times she was badly written to heart, the majority of fans felt differently.

The majority of Spider-Man fans (and in my experience particularly the female fans) like  Mary Jane. They like her unto herself and they like her relationship with Spider-Man in particular.

This attitude is particularly prevalent for fans who grew up on Spider-Man between 1987-2007 when Spider-Man’s marriage to Mary Jane was part of the status quo and there was an increase in the number of Spider-Man media adaptations. Naturally this meant MJ was also featured a lot in wider media and was typically framed as Spider-Man’s primary (or only) love interest.

Whether due to nostalgia, the merits of the stories or both, this generation of fans generally took to MJ.

As such there has been an underlying displeasure throughout the Spider-Man comic book fandom over MJ’s treatment beginning with ‘One More Day’ in 2007 and continuing up until Nick Spencer’s ASM v5 #1 in 2018.

I firmly believe it is this displeasure combined with affection for Mary Jane that accounts for the reception of this series. Or at least those are the primary reasons, perhaps there is a social/political element too, but I’m not interested in discussing that.

Whilst the source is certainly biased, the letters pages in AMJ #6 are a prime example of some of the praise the series has garnered.

Whenever I’ve seen reviews or commentaries for this series they’ve overwhelmingly been positive, echoing sentiments from the above letters.

Whether it’s from Spider-man fan sites, general comic book sites, Comixology or more controversial outlets, there are very few bad words being said about this series.

This is mind boggling to me because as I just detailed for over 30 essays, it is in fact bad. It’s downright awful.

But the immense problems with the narrative have seemingly been ignored or unnoticed by fandom at large.

Why? Simple. Because the situation is not as  bad as it was before.

When you are dying of thirst in the desert a drop of water can seem like an oasis.

Or to put it another way…

When a character you love has been maliciously  dragged through the mud and insulted for 15 years, seeing them dragged through the mud without  malice and celebrated can feel like they are being put on a pedestal.

Let me be clear as crystal.

I am not saying Marvel are working some kind of anti-Mary Jane agenda with Amazing Mary Jane, let alone Leah Williams herself.

On the contrary, I think 100% of everyone involved in the production of this comic book series has nothing but sincere love and adoration for Mary Jane. Leah Williams especially very obviously adores the character.

And that’s a big deal to Mary Jane fans because for far too long she was written by people who at best were indifferent to her and at worst actively disliked her

To have anyone  genuinely like the character and write her feels like a win. To have that happen in a story putting her as THE lead feels like a win. To have that happen in a story that so often frames Mary Jane in a heroic, capable, awesome and generally positive light feels like a win. *

And that is especially true if fans go into a story actively looking for it to be good and when the story has enthusiasm bursting through the pages.

Make no mistake. Williams writing is energetic. It’s loaded with fizzle and fun. She’s obviously having a blast writing this title and that fun is transmitting itself through the pages. That can be hypnotic to readers at the best of times, but when they so deeply want  the story to be good and so deeply want  their beloved character to be done justice the combined result is people will see what they want to see.

Fuck, go read my first impression of AMJ #1. I was on the whole very positive. Like everyone else I wanted  the story to be good. I wanted one of my favourite characters to be done justice.

I wanted this to be a win. So when I first read it, I saw a win.**

But it isn’t.

I’m not saying having an MJ solo story, a writer who likes her and a story that frames her positively is inherently a loss.

Rather, if all that is wrapped up in a mischaracterization, a lack of common sense, a broken moral compass, inconsistencies and just generally bad storytelling, then what might feel like a win in reality is a loss.

This story has creatively damaged Mary Jane to the point where nothing short of mind control or just ignoring the events of it can fix things.

I want this series to end as soon as possible. I want Nick Spencer, Jody Houser or anyone who doesn’t just understand some aspects  of Mary Jane to write her again. Leah Williams’ affection and enthusiasm can never be questioned.

But her competency on this title? That’s a whole other story.

And I wish, from the absolute bottom of my Peter/MJ shipper heart that was not the case.

I really, really do.

Next time…well actually I am not sure.

At the time of this writing AMJ hasn’t released yet. And my ability to write this tome of an essay series was reliant upon me reading the issues immediately after one another. By doing that I was able to bear everything in mind and carry over points from one issue to the next. I fear waiting weeks or months between issues will hamper my ability to do this. I might forget critical points and be more harsh or more lenient when it is not warranted as I forget important context.

As such I am unsure if this essay series will continue beyond issue #6. I’m sure I will still cover AMJ in some way, but in this format? We will have to wait and see.

P.S. I think there is also something to be said for many Spider-Man fans not necessarily knowing the specifics of Mysterio’s history. By not knowing that I think a lot of fans view him as far less insidious than he really is. He is often dismissed as a B-lister at best, and a joke at that. But when you observe what he has actually done and what he is capable of you can see why Williams’ framing him the way she did is problematic.

*This is in fact not dissimilar to what happened when ‘Spider-Island’ was initially released.

I distinctly remember Spider-Man/Mary Jane fans lauding it because MJ teamed up with Spidey and there were romantic vibes between them.

However, I was one of the few people not convinced. I remembered how Dan Slott wrote Mary Jane during the Paper Doll storyline and during the early issues of his solo-run on ASM.

I knew  the guy was a bad fit for the character. And I knew Marvel had done nothing but throw a bone to fans who by rights should have had the whole chicken and should never have had it taken from them in the first place.

Yet Mary Jane blogs and fans persisted. Spider-Island was a highlight for Mary Jane. Dan Slott was a good MJ writer. Spider-Island in fact was good specifically because it gave MJ fans the most meager of morsels to feed upon.

I’m not saying that Williams is merely throwing fans a bone. Rather, like Spider-Island she is being praised for delivering goods she never actually gave us. She and Spider-Island merely gave us something less bad  than what we had before.

**Even when I first read it stuff in it was niggling at the back of my mind. And it grew, and grew, and grew until I was downright anxious for the second issue to address my concerns.

It didn’t. It made them worse. But even I couldn’t have predicted just how bad this series would get.

I loathe saying that. I truly do. I wish this series was better and I wish everyone else could see the flaws that exist with it as I do. But more than that, I’ve never wished harder that I could not  see those flaws and enjoy the series like everyone else.

I do not enjoy being the lone voice on this subject.

But if I feel strongly something needs to be said I will say it. When Superior was going on that was the primary reason I began this blog. 99% of everyone lauded it. I saw it for the shit show it was and wanted to express that.

Seems history has circled back around. Sigh.

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[toymadonna52-blog]

Penis Development With A Cheap Cleaner Pump - Is It The Most useful Selection & May It Give Actual Advancement?

How exactly to Increase Penis Size? This is a frequent issue in society today because men are very anxious to figure out the easiest way to please a woman. Numerous data have indicated that around 85% of girls choose a larger penis to that of a smaller one must be penis that is larger has the capacity to give the lady a greater intensity of delight because it can move deeper into the vagina than a smaller penis.  cheap penis pumps

Life with a small penis may make one to experience ashamed when you cannot provide the large quantities of joy that a lot of women deserve. Because you just have one penis for the remainder of your daily life it is very important to find means of improving it so that you can feel confident and strong in the bedroom. In this short article I will discuss penis pumps as a way of penis enlargement and instruct you about whether they actually function or not.

Penis pumps have been with us for 10 years and have now been a proven unit to enlarging your penis. The device is based on the rules of suction and combustion. You place the pump around the shaft of one's penis , ensuring it is really a relaxed match, next you begin to use a pumping action to draw body from your system and redirect it into the penile canal that may lead it to grow. Since the glass that encompasses the penile pump acts as a layer that prevents combustion, the blood that is drawn to the shaft may cause your penis measurement to increase.

This technique does provide good results but if you are likely to buy a penis pump be sure to obtain a steel one since buying one with cheap plastic parts put you in danger because several potential clients have complained about discomfort and injury around their penis shafts when working with cheaper plastic based pumps.

If you may not want to pay a massive amount income and deal with the distress of a penis pump coming to your door, different alternatives do exist such as for instance normal penis enlargement exercises. These workouts are based on the anatomical principles of the human body and perform by turning the penis into a muscle. The same as any muscle in your body when enough outside stimuli reaches the specific area it increase in size in a lasting matter.

However you will find few men who'd admit to it the fact is a large number of men do not be seemingly pleased with the size of their penises. Nevertheless the average penile size is all about 6 inches many a person would like to have a larger member clinging between their legs. Contrary to this, a lot of girls genuinely believe that size is irrelevant and that guys must be more receptive toward their emotional needs. However, the uncertainty connected with small penile measurement is deeply grounded in the male psyche. What men often think is that the properly endowed man is much better equipped to reach and promote more of a woman's erogenous locations which can lead to better activation and orgasms.

Though guy enhancement is not at all something new, you can find just a couple techniques that are really successful and may assist you to put size to your man genitalia. Standard practices like pumps and loads do not hold any credibility today with men getting more and more conscious of dangers of applying such methods. It is popular understanding since these devices can lead to erectile dysfunction among men and I am certain that no person wish to become impotent while trying to incorporate measurement to to his guy shaft.

As it pertains to cheap penis enlargement, you have two alternatives footing units and exercises. Though traction tools are a well known technique with they being rather successful in providing real guy enhancement, a clinically accepted and substantiated device works out to be quite expensive. More over, you should never use a cheap or substandard device, because it could lead to penile damage or disfigurement.

The'exercises'you may need to utilize in order to instigate that penile development process rely mainly on building two elements of the penile anatomy. Firstly, there is the tunica albuginea - a hardcore membrane of muscle which contains the inflatable spongy pieces of one's penis. Certain exercises could be utilised to slowly stretch this membrane - which efficiently raises the inner body volume of the penis - being a penis pump but without the major potential security issues.

The second little bit of the penile structure you'll use workouts to develop is named the suspensory ligament. That ligaments harnesses your penis to the body (which is a good thing) but in addition prevents your penis from lengthening to its optimum (which is bad). Fortuitously, the suspensory ligament can be properly extended with the best techniques to provide the best of equally sides - a secure, but lengthier penis. Evaluate that with penis lengthening surgery which involves chopping the suspensory ligament (which can cause serious penile security issues throughout erections) and you get a notion as to just how more reasonable it is to naturally expand it through systematic exercise.

Therefore the secret to introducing inches to the old fella is merely to follow along with a effectively organized penile workout routine - which will be data that is found somewhat cheaply online. Sure it does take some function and commitment to follow a good plan - have a to invest 20 moments, 4 situations a week for 3 - a few months to see important changes. But it's a thing that can be achieved is likely to time, at your own personal speed and with overall discretion; and most importantly, with a little discipline and time, it's a way that can make huge results.

[the-bounce-back]

THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES IV - CONFIDENCE IN YOUR CRAFT

This is post 4/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully aid in building your own confidence over time.

_____________

Oooh, check me out with the post consistency. That’s how you know it’s a new year and decade, baby!

I’d like to start off by saying that I have been excited to write this post in particular for quite a long while now - literally since about July last year. However, my life was a bit of a mess at the time, and I didn’t want to put the previous post on hold, so it had to wait until now. 

Maybe this was for the best, though - this post is going to be about confidence in your craft and the projects you put out into the world. Although I was literally planning on writing this post around 7 months ago, I can honestly say that my confidence levels in my own projects have never been higher than right now, so writing about it now makes more sense. See, procrastination helps!

Anyways. To kick this post off, I want to take some time to acknowledge my many talents. Besides my *impeccable* blogging skills, not many people know that I’ve dabbled in acting and drumming in the past, and I am currently also writing a book (more about that in a future post) and getting back into interior design, learning new languages and drawing. These are my current favourite pastimes, and what I say to people whenever I’m asked what my “hobbies” are. 

The reason why I’m sharing this is because I want people to understand that unless you are vocal about your passions, how the hell are other people meant to be able to support and appreciate your work? It goes without saying that bigging yourself up and showing off your talents can feel extremely vain if you are a naturally reserved/humble person - but my hope is that this post will teach you how to be more confident in your work.

I am very excited to share this post because I am blessed to have friends of what feels like millions of different talents. Actors, musicians, podcasters, poets, youtubers, models, MUA’s, chefs, hair stylists… the list goes on, and it makes me so proud to see that they are all in their respective creative bags right now - so this post is somewhat dedicated to them as well if they ever have feelings of insecurity in their talents.

I will be talking about what I have found to be the most important factors of being confident in your creativity, not letting criticism (constructive or otherwise) make you want to give up, and getting over the initial fear of putting something you’ve created out into the world, because let’s face it; sharing something you’ve created can be incredibly vulnerable. You are essentially sharing a private aspect of yourself for the world to critically analyse, and it’s normal to find this daunting - however, it’s all about how you handle it.

Based on my own experiences and anonymous examples from my friends, I will try my best to explain how best to develop a deep sense of confidence and pride in your creative endeavours.

1. Ensure that you are doing your craft out of passion.

Regardless of if you are creating content solely for your own enjoyment or to capitalise on it, I definitely think that it is imperative that what you are doing fills you with joy and that you are excited to do the activity. This may sound like a no-brainer, but I feel like I see a lot of people nowadays forcing themselves to pursue certain endeavours due to influences from social media, or are forcing themselves to capitalise off a hobby they used to love, but now hate because of the added pressure of having to create content/products for the target audience. 

This is partly why I am apprehensive about ways of monetising this blog - or any of my other creative projects, for that matter. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind, but my biggest fear is starting to resent an activity I once loved because of external pressure such as deadlines, not having full creative control and having to “tread carefully” with the messages I put out, if that makes sense.

Pursuing a hobby for the sole purpose of others is never going to make you feel that what you’re creating is good. Constantly trying to please the masses as opposed to just doing whatever makes you feel happy is always going to make you feel anxious and scared of the reception, I think. Instead, I’d suggest that you evaluate what is more important to you: approval or enjoyment. If it’s the former, then by all means… keep forcing yourself to pursue hobbies that may or may not give you recognition. Who knows - maybe you’ll blow up and get the sponsorships, money and fans that you want, and I don’t even mean this in a petty or sarcastic way. If that’s what you set out to do, then I’d be very happy for you.

However, I reiterate: pursuing a hobby for anyone other than yourself runs a great risk of becoming a burden in the long run, as well as a risk of losing your self confidence when you don’t get the attention or accolades that you believe that you deserve. 

I think I have an issue with the above because it relates back to past posts in which I’ve discussed humans’ desperation to be approved and acknowledged by their peers. It alludes to a deeply rooted insecurity in yourself, your abilities and your belief in said abilities - I only say this because this literally used to be me before deciding to sack everyone off and do whatever the f*ck I wanted.

Personally, my dream scenario would be for people to find a hobby that they are truly passionate about and that they can capitalise off in a way that doesn’t restrict their creative process and that is on their own terms. Because, let’s be honest - receiving money and accolades doing something that you truly love is a major confidence boost… regardless of if the money and recognition motivates you or not. But the bottom line is that your confidence in your creativity should not be rooted in anything else but your own joy.

2. Appoint a/some constructive critic(s).

It goes without saying that true confidence comes from ~*wItHiN*~, but there is nothing wrong with looking to friends and/or family for opinions and support. In fact, I’d even go as far as saying that having someone who understands your vision and wants you to achieve your goals is a must. 

This someone is a crucial part of the creative process, because they will ideally motivate (aka bully...exactly like the gif above) you into meeting the deadlines you set for yourself, give you honest feedback and give you a kick up the arse on the days where you don’t really feel like doing anything. They will remind you of the reason why you started your project when you feel like giving up - and having someone like this in your corner that unconditionally believes in you is a massive ego boost. 

Something that’s even better than having one person in your corner is having multiple people in your corner. And something that’s even better than having multiple people in your corner, is having multiple people in your corner that are also creative and have their own projects going on. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a group of people with the exact same hobby as you (although this definitely helps too!), but surrounding yourself with people that are also making things happen for themselves gives you a beautiful sense of community. I can only speak for myself, but forming friendships with other creatives has definitely helped me come out of my shell. I still remember when I first “pitched” my blog idea to my friends - thinking that I’d get a lukewarm response (because let’s face it… a lot of people unfortunately don’t enjoy reading anymore) - but the positive feedback and support I got is what gave me the confidence to actually start. And when I was on my hiatus, I’d be harassed for updates on when my next post was coming, and brutally dragged when I didn’t post on the days I had promised. The same goes for their projects as well - it was only recently that we had to bully someone for not releasing their podcast when they said they would.

Another aspect of having a group of critics that believe in you is the motivation you get from seeing them putting their plans into action. Honestly. Seeing my friends’ work ethics and how hard they grind makes me want to be better - not only to keep up, but for myself in general.

The bottom line is that although you don’t need people in your corner to get started, it is definitely a major asset to have. You should be confident that your work is great by your own accord, but getting it confirmed - or receiving feedback for improvements - is just another key to improving your confidence.

3. Do not be afraid of vulnerability (if your craft requires you to do so).

Believe me… I get it. Putting out something you’ve created for the entire planet to see can be incredibly daunting, especially if a lot of emotion has gone into it. It feels like you’re putting a very dainty and vulnerable part of you out on a perilous battlefield, out in the open where nowhere to take cover. This is where a lot of us (myself included) tend to overthink sharing our work, or in some cases chose not to share it at all. If only you guys knew how many draft posts have ended up in the bin because I was worried about being judged (they’re being revived though, fear not!)... it’s mad how much fear and anxiety can hold you back from being great.

This is where it’s important to understand the power of being able to be vulnerable, honest and open through your selected medium. As cringe as it sounds, opening your heart to the world and letting people see your insecurities, unresolved issues and things you’d much rather hide leads to the situations power over you significantly diminishing. And the more you do it, the closer you get to the situation no longer being able to hurt you anymore - because once it’s out in the open, nothing or no one can actually tell you sh*t. Once you get to the point of no longer caring who knows what your internal struggles are, I promise that you feel insanely confident and empowered, because you are no longer living in fear.

 Another beautiful aspect of vulnerability in relation to self-confidence is that ever so often, you get to hear that your work has genuinely helped, inspired or motivated someone. I know I said that validation and approval from others isn’t the best reason for pursuing a hobby, but this is different in the sense that you’re doing your thing regardless of if you get positive feedback for it - the recognition is truly just a bonus, but a contributor to increased confidence all the same.

Hopefully, utilising these three methods will make you feel a great deal more confident about your creative projects/side hustles for the following reasons:

You’re doing this project primarily because it brings you joy.

The way I see it, taking time out of your day to do something that makes you genuinely happy is an act of self-care and incredibly empowering, in the sense that we are choosing to not be distracted and led astray by the infinite amount of garbage media that is constantly in our faces due to social media. Being able to make time on a project - whatever it may be - that brings you happiness and engages your right brain is a massive blessing in our age group, as we take on more and more responsibilities that eat up our time and drain us.

A cute metaphor for this could be that your day to day routine is a desert. Going to work/uni, doing work/uni related projects, doing chores around the house and all your other responsibilities is walking around for hours in the sun, making us drained, famished and parched. Our hobbies should be like a much-welcomed oasis, providing us with water, food, shade and somewhere to recharge (joy, inspiration, motivation and a well-deserved break for the brain).

 Okay, that was a bit cringe. But you get the point - allowing ourselves to have something in this hard life to enjoy is a confidence boost in itself.

After paying attention to the feedback you get, you’ll become even more skilled at your craft over time.

It’s no conundrum that experience equals expertise, and that constantly improving your creative process in accordance with feedback from someone you know understands your vision will make you more sure of yourself in the long run.

Think about it: if you’re already doing something you genuinely love, and you have a trusted person/trusted people in your life to turn to for genuine opinions, how can you not win? 

By “winning”, I mean your work getting progressively better over time, combined with a feeling of security and support from your peers. I mean becoming more emotionally, mentally, spiritually and maybe even financially (if you’re so inclined) stable through doing something you genuinely love. The prize is peace of mind, feeling supported, and full creative control of your work - and I honestly can’t think of anything more satisfying.

You’re taking control of your doubts and insecurities and flipping them into assets.

For me, this is a no brainer. What could possibly be more confidence-boosting than overcoming insecurities and being able to use them to your advantage in your creative endeavours? It’s literally what my entire blog is based upon, and writing about things that have caused me a great deal of pain in the past has ended up being a very therapeutic and cathartic experience, as well as extremely empowering - in the sense that I don’t allow certain situations have control over me anymore. I can now focus on continuing to heal, and help others who may come across my work in the meantime.

Having a personal project that challenges you to face and overcome your insecurities is something that I think everyone should try to have. It might get hard at times and extremely tempting to quit, but once your work is ready for the world to see I promise you that you’ll get a boost in confidence. 

By keeping these three points in mind, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll feel infinitely more confident in your creative projects. Knowing that you’re putting your entire heart into a project that you are sharing with the whole world, knowing that you have supporters that you can trust with honest opinions and feedback and knowing that you’ve stayed true to yourself regardless of if the norm enjoys is an ideal state of mind to be in.

On a final note, I want to reiterate that there is no “wrong” or “right” way to have a hobby and gain confidence from it. This post is just general guidelines that really helped me come out of my shell creatively, and I’d like to think it’d work for others too. However, you know best how comfortable you are with exposing your work and what your existing confidence levels are like, so please proceed accordingly (and don’t blame me if things go tits up because you decided not to take the time to listen to yourself!).

Love,

Liv

[fairycosmos]

I left my country for a few months to do a nanny job, now I’m back home and the anxiety, depression, no sense of purpose, no sense of self-worth are coming back. Same things on my shoulders before I left home, now they’re back and I feel like a huge burden. I don’t have a job right now, and even the nanny job isn’t really that considered a real job so I’ve been jobless for like a couple years now and I’m on the verge of not caring anymore. I have nothing, so I’m nothing. Nothing anymore to lose

hey my love. i’m really sorry to hear that. it must be so difficult for you at the moment. like i cant imagine the emotional turmoil you must be in. i know it’s hard to take words seriously when you’re feeling so utterly hopeless, i get it. but i also genuinely believe that where you’re at right now, isn’t where you’ll always be. not having a job, and struggling a little, doesn’t mean that you’re nothing. when you’re depressed, your mind will force you to believe intense, overgeneralized statements like that because it wants you to blame yourself for things that are out of your control. in reality, you have an inherent worth and it hasn’t suddenly vanished just because you feel lost at the moment. i know that’s pretty much impossible to believe right now, but it’s the truth. you’re not just here on this earth to get an awesome job or to make a shit ton of money. you’re here to experience all faucets of existence, and you’re doing that, therefore you’re doing a lot better than you think you are. look, it’s really fucking common to go through periods of feeling directionless, of not knowing where to turn or what to do. i dont know anyone who hasn’t felt that way at one point or another. you’re honestly not alone. no matter how much it seems like you are, no matter how easy it is to believe that you having nothing to lose, i swear that that’s not the case. 

i think your perception is being twisted by those things you listed - anxiety, depression, having no sense of purpose. it’s hard to let any light in, or to see any way forward, when you’re trapped in a cycle of being cruel to yourself, you know? your mindset is being manipulated and skewed by all of these underlying mental issues, and i seriously think you need to confront them first and foremost before you worry about a job or anything like that. because even if you got a job, you’d still be feeling shitty and keeping it all bottled up inside. if you don’t at least try to seek some form of help, then the way you see things isn’t going to change. it’s not that you’re stuck, it’s just that you’re convinced you are. and you need to look at the situation, look at yourself, and try to figure out how to actively begin to manage your anxiety/depression. make your mental health the most important priority. i know it’s not what you want to hear. i know it’s overwhelming. and i’m not saying you have to like, immediately go and seek intensive treatment. i’m just saying that maybe talking to your doctor about what’s going on is a good place to start, if you haven’t done so already and if that’s an option. there may also be support groups in your area, or hotlines you can call to gather additional info. please dont just write the idea off. your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and sometimes it needs genuine treatment, just like any physical ailment. talking to a professional about what’s going on, facing up to your deeply rooted issues, examining why you feel the way you feel, learning about positive coping mechanisms, creating a care plan for yourself in order to work out how to self soothe so that you’re able to manage easier in the future - all of those are good, solid options and they’re available to you. they will spur you onward, they will prove that you’re not as trapped as you think you are. it all just starts with talking about what’s happening in your head, just like you told me. even beginning with your parents or a friend or a family member is something to be proud of. again, i’m not saying you have to want to do it. i’m just asking you to consider it despite your apprehension. 

i get that trying is the last thing on earth you want to do right now. i get that you’re tired. and it all feels pointless. but i’m of the opinion that basically everything is, and life only matters because it matters to us. initially that sounds depressing, but it also means that our existence is essentially an open ended sandbox. we can create what we want out of it. we don’t have to just be ‘one thing’, we don’t have to have all of the answers and we certainly don’t have to have the future all figured out. take a breath. it’s inevitable to be overwhelmed by your own emotions sometimes. but when you can, try to look at your circumstances from an objective perspective. life ebbs and flows naturally. things progress, they change, and in the midst of that change there is a great deal of confusion and even pain. that’s alright. you have to stumble around in the dark a bit before you find your footing. because where you’re at right now is just a stepping stone between two positive places, that’s all. you will find your rhythm again. it’s a matter of time, and choosing to help yourself out of a hole. even when it’s difficult. and you won’t be successful at it every day. some days you’ll be depressed, anxious, and pissed off at yourself/the world. but those negative thoughts/feelings are fleeting instances that you can learn how to coerce and control, to an extent. they won’t always feel as intense as they do at the moment. but you have to give yourself a fair shot at opening up in order to make that happen. at the end of the day, you’re so much more than you think you are. maybe you don’t have a clear view of yourself due to the anxiety and the depression and stuff, but just the fact that you’re here and that you’re trying and that you want to strive for more, speaks volumes about the strength of your character. you are worth the world, you deserve a happy and fulfilled life and one is waiting for you. i really think that. maybe it sounds like bullshit, but yeah. it’s true. you can’t see it, but it’s there. and i really hope you can find it in your heart to start believing me, or to at least consider what i’ve said on a serious level, because i’m rooting for you a lot. and i know you’re capable of doing the right thing for yourself. let me know if you need a friend or if you want to discuss this properly, okay? i’ll be here.