#I can't believe I haven't posted anything about her before - she's probably one my top 10 most interesting historical women

[wonder-worker]

"We therefore need to separate out the 'facets' of [Anne de Pisseleu's] life, the way she was perceived by different groups and individuals. According to these, she could be viewed as an ornament to the court, a grasping favorite, a desired patroness, an able businesswoman, later on as a pillar of the reformed church and cantankerous old woman. At different times and over a long life, Anne de Pisseleu played all these roles."

David Potter, "The Life and After-Life of a Royal Mistress: Anne de Pisseleu, Duchess of Étampes"

[v3nusxsky]

Say it again 18+

*A/n~ this fic has been going round my head all day. I'm exhausted but I just can't rest until I've written it. I'm going to edit it in the morning tho. Prompt list has been posted for you guys too feel free to request anything I absolutely adore hearing from you all*

Warnings~ dom Larissa sub reader, mommy k!nk, safewords, strap on, f!ngering, praise k!nk, degradaing k!nk, oral & just smutty goodness

Prompt- new to your relationship reader and Larissa start to explore just how far they can take things. (Start will be based off my life tw for abuses -sexual kind and non- )

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Joining Nevermore Academy to teach English language was one of your best decisions yet ranking in the top spot. The school saved you. Going through a rough break up it gave you a safe haven. A new focus that helped get you through. The staff are lovely but one particular lady caught your eye. Just so happens the stunning gorgeous goddess is your boss. How does anyone get any work done around her? It's impossible to focus when she's such a pretty picture in front of you. You formed attentive friendship with your boss. First rule of dating... no coworkers.

Months passed and you and Larissa explored your relationship at a pace that felt good for you both. Your dates were always so thoughtful and planned perfectly, she dotes on you, and listened to your wants and needs. As well as being the exact definition of your ideal women. You couldn't believe you got to call this goddess yours. And you hadn't even slept together so she went out with you because she wanted to not just for sex.

Your relationship with Larissa seas so different from the previous one with Alexis. She wouldn't give a toss about you, never tried to get to know you or anything and the had the audacity to take something from you that you didn't want to give. She didn't care if you consented. She wanted. She got. No matter if you said yes or no or awake or asleep she didn't care. So when you nervously suggested to wait before making love you'd expected Larissa to go mad. Instead she didn't, she wrapped you in her arms and just held you. No matter how badly the older women wanted you she would not take without permission. The thought made her own stomach turn.

So you can imagine the little shocked sound Larissa made as she accidentally choked on her wine. "Can we uh talk about likes and um not likes" you mumbled embarrassed, eyes towards the ground.

"Um yes ? Would you like to start?" She offered and was received with a negative.

(Guys here might get a little sexual abuse tw? It's based on a personal experience the least I'll want to do is trigger anyone with my past. I very much am y/n in this so please if anyone has anything like this reach out. It took me three years but I'm now doing okay and you deserve to be treated right)

"Okay darling so I'll start with some things I like okay? So I prefer being more dominant. I like to focus on you but I'm not against receiving. I would prefer to wear the strap but if you wanted to I'm sure we could sort that out later. I like to give my partner a safe word. So they can use it not only in the bedroom when they want to end the session but this could work in public depending on the word. Um I don't mind toys at all... I think that's all" she explained every bit so clearly.

Can my safe word be dove? " you murmured. The word being a nickname you had been called pretty much all your life. You continued "I haven't...I don't know what I'm doing either. But that's okay because that's how you learn. I um I know there's probably um pain involved?" You questioned the fear seeping through your words.

"Dove.. that works darling. So it's discreet enough you could even use it in public to show me you wish to leave an environment or situation if you wanted to. Whenever I hear that word from you I'll try my best to make you feel comfortable." She promised causing a small smile to grace your lips. She really and truly loves you it's plain to see.  "Baby? What do you mean by pain? " her tone heading caution here.

"I um well dominant people hurt their submissives? That's what she always said. It's normal? And if I say no you can still take whatever because your a dominant person?" You trailed off. You really hated your lack of knowledge here. As a teacher your thirst for knowledge was never quenched, so to have this massive gap was slightly embarrassing. Alexis had been a very rough period of your life, one in which you faced many difficulties and lost everyone in your life. Larissa knew of the relationship but none of the details. Truly isolated. No one knew the true extent of what you went through, partly because you still didn't quite understand the extent of it yourself. But if your loves crestfallen expression was anything to go by then you'd assume Larissa was starting to work everything out.

"Oh y/n. No darling that's not quite right. A dominant still needs consent love. It's a mutual agreement between both parties that have limits. So someone might adore being praised where as the other may prefer to be um put down while having some fun. Some people like to be hurt, others don't. Some like to be restrained and others don't it makes them panicky which then takes the enjoyment from such a special act. Do you understand love?" She gathered your hands in hers seeing the tears threatening to fall from your eyes, "I promise y/n when the time comes I'll never do anything you don't want. I like to check in with my partner. All I'll ever want to do is make you feel good my love" her reassuring words wrapping around you like a blanket.

"What do you like?" You whispered out almost inaudibly. "Me? Hmm well I like myself a lot of praise, I like to praise my partner let them know how good they are for me. I'm also not against using degradation with some limits and this is if and only if they enjoy so. I own some restraints and toys but would never use them unless specifically asked for" she trailed off carefully examining your reaction. So far so good. You didn't look frightened or in need to stop the conversation. "My love is there anything I said you don't want?" She queried. You sat in deep thought, her thumbs caressing the tops of your hands. "Um I don't think so? That all sounds rather enjoyable I think. I would like to try." You mumbled a bright red flush adorning your cheeks at the admission. "Okay my love, is there anything else you want to ask?" In which you shook your head just processing the new information. You moved to settle back against your girlfriend in a comfortable silence.

(End of the tw?)

What Larissa was describing sounded rather enjoyable and nothing like what you were thinking. Actually what you were being told made the whole idea rather desirable? You trusted Larissa explicitly and she would never hurt you intentionally that much was clear. Maybe you could give it a try? After all you'd been together now for a while and maybe just maybe you were ready for the next step? Larissa had promised to wait as long as you needed. And true to her word Larissa never made any advances or made you feel any kind of pressure. "Honey? Can we um I think I god this is rather hard..." your embarrassment causing the words to get lost in your throat. "I can we try?" You managed lamely gaze fixed to the flames of fire dancing in front of you.

"Are you sure y/n? You don't have to just because we had this conversation." She murmured into your hair wanting you to know it was not a requirement. "I want to... I want you and to make you feel good. Show me. Please?" You whimpered out in a response. The words reassuring the older women this was a mutual want. You turned around to see her darkened lust filled eyes in the soft glow from the fire. Absolutely stunning. Her lips sought out yours in a sweet yet desire filled kiss. Hands finding purchase on your cheek and the back of your neck, holding you to her. Your hands slipping round her neck in an attempt to get closer. You shifted so you were now sat on her lap, enjoying the kiss she was gladly offering. Her lips trailed your neck up to your ear nipping the lobe before trailing down to find your pulse point. She nipped there lightly revealing in the little gasp you made only spurring her on to repeat the action a little harder. Again the moan was a bit louder in response to her action. You could feel her lips curling upwards against your skin, she was rather pleased at how responsive you were to her simple acts. "Larissa, please" you whined the desire you felt for her now burning like a raging river. Months of wanting her but not having the confidence to do so hitting you like a freight rain.

"Okay my darling, bedroom?" She murmured against your neck not wanting to stop her assault of kisses there. The sounds you were making, simply too addicting for her to ever want to stop. With a quick nod, you were carried to your lovers room and gently laid on the bed. "Darling? Still okay?" She queried in which you nodded too distracted by the way you were feeling for words. "Words angel" she reminded you. "Please" you whimpered under her gaze. With enough consent Larissa stated to remove your clothing one by one pressing light kisses over the new exposed skin. An act you were not use to but was most certainly not unwelcome. Once fully bare for her you started to squirm under her lustful gaze. The power dynamic of you being exposed while your lover looked full composed still in her clothing, riled you up even more. God you needed her.

An inpatient whine filled the room causing Larissa to smirk. "Aw my poor baby, do you need something darling?" She taunted very carefully here not knowing if you'd respond well. To her relief you rolled your eyes and whined at her, "you know I need you please." God you were sexy when you begged her. Making a mental note to try and achieve more begging later Larissa decided to tell you what she planned to do to you and see what you'd like. Her plan was vague but sounded absolutely delightful so you made no adjustments. Kisses were being trailed over your stomach as her hands palmed your breasts. Everything felt so good. And then her mouth found your aching core. A delicious cry of pure pleasure tore through you when you felt her tongue at your soaked cunt. Her movements slow, maddeningly slow as she explored and savoured every moment. Your moans were now falling freely as you brought your hands to her hair. You needed more. This sensation like no other, your lover certainly knew what she was doing. Your first dance with pleasure was brought on by her sucking and licking at your bundle of nerves. Never really feeling anything like this meant your control of the climax was none existent as you fell from the edge. Moans tearing through you as your thighs tightened around her head instinctively trying to hold her there. Only when you came down panting did Larissa move, your mixture of arousal and cum coating her face.  "Want to taste darling?" She purred causing more arousal to rush straight to your core.

You brought her lips to yours moaning at the unfamiliar taste of yourself mixed with her. The kiss became needy and your hands began tugging at her clothing. "Off" you half growled and half moaned against her lips. She chuckled at the needy mess you now were and complied with the request. "So beautiful" you murmured, unable to tear your gaze from her. "Darling are we still okay?" The consistency of her checking in was so adorable and p you and you loved it. You felt so safe and well she'd given you your first orgasm and you'd be lying if you said you didn't want more. "Yes god please I want more"

Only then did she settle between your thighs once more. This time her fingers trailed ever so lightly on your thighs, creating idle patterns. Never quite reaching where you wanted her. Your hips bucked up on their own accord startling you slightly. "Aw is my good girl needy?" She husked at you sensing the confusion you felt at the action. "Mmm please" begging her seemed to get you what you wanted. And all sense of embarrassment fled your mind. It was just you and your lover.

Gently, you felt her long slender finger pushing into your heat. A groan forced its way from your lips. Not registering the volume or really caring. You were absolutely dripping for her. And she added another knowing you could manage if she was carful. Once your body adjusted to the intrusion the pleasure became overwhelming. The need to move almost painful. Sensing your impatience Larissa started to slowly thrust her fingers in and out curling them slightly. God did she have a map of where to touch you? Your second orgasm of the night fast approaching under her skilled hands.  Your moans tangled with her statements of praise and the sounds your slickness filled the room. You desperately began to chase the high. Recognising the feeling from before and wanting it even more. It was the feeling of her talented tongue on your clit that threw you violently over the edge. Your vision blurring as you swore you saw stars. After bringing you back down to earth she crawled up your body once more. You looked absolutely delightful, laid spread, and well and truly fucked and stated.

"You-you never had anything?" You tried to get out and steady your breathing. "I want to please you. Please" you whimpered. "Well darling, what do you think of trying the strap?" She tried cautiously only to be met by a grin on your face as a sparkle in your eyes at the suggestion. "Please" was all she needed to jump into action. Despite this being the first time you'd been touched by your girlfriend, your girlfriend spent many nights with her own hand or her vibrator bringing herself to pleasure with this thought. Taking you with her strap, hearing your delicious moans tumble from you uncontrollably as you took her like a good girl. The thought enough to make her drool.

Soon enough a red strap sat between her strong thighs, your gaze refusing to leave that sight. Commuting it to memory. "Are you sure my darling?" You were transfixed at the sight and she was misinterpreting that for fear. After all she knew this was a new experience for you. "Please Rissa I want to" you reassured her and moved your legs to be more open in a obvious request.

The sensation nothing like anything you could remember. The burning pain at the intrusion nothing like that of her fingers just previous. Tears sprang to your eyes and then you felt her hand clutching yours, her head dropping to your neck peppering kisses there. "You're doing so good darling. I know it hurts, such a good girl for me hmm?" Slowly the pain subsided and an unmatched level of pleasure began to course through you. The sensation eliciting a pleasure filled groan. "Fuck please mommy-" wait? What? Mommy? Did you just call her mommy?

"Oh my darling girl, you want mommy to help you?" She then pulled out gently only to thrust back in setting a steady pace. "Oh fuck god mommy please" starting to become extremely sensitive all you could do is whine and mewl at her thrusts. Both approaching the fall together. And that's how you fell. Together. Screaming out your lovers name as she fell beside you. Only pulling out from your heat once she was sure you had ridden out your pleasure. A slither of pain hit you at the action causing a little pained whimper. "Oh darling I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Water? Snacks ? Bath? Cuddles?" Her list seemed to flow endlessly."

"I um what?" You muttered dumbly, your limbs heavy exhaustion quickly creeping over you. "Aftercare darling. Have you never?" She trailed off the question obvious. In which the answer was no. "Cuddles please" you whimpered, your emotions were heightened which caused tears to finally fall. "Oh baby, come here." She gathered you up in her arms and laid back with you snuggled up to her chest. "Mommy has you baby" she murmured into your hair which caused a slight giggle. "You didn't mind that? I didn't even know it escaped." You explained and she chuckled at your reaction. " darling you can call me whatever you wish and it was very hot" she clarified and you mentally settled on mommy, after all it was the first thought that came to you as she was taking care of you. Before sleep claimed you you managed to whisper out "nobody could love me like you do."

Larissa laid there with you snuggled up to her, basking in the after glow of the night. It was an absolute perfect night and she couldn't wait for many more nights with you. After all you were proving to be quite the interesting pretty thing to play with. She wondered how far she could eventually push you. The thought causing her to smirk as sleep claimed her.

Word count~ 3043

*A/n~ I was listening to a song called zero which Inspired y/n's last line the lyrics are

"Do you know there ain't nobody, ain't nobody that make it hot like me."

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

Do you think that gwen stacy is trans?

Yes, yes I do.

Now, the last time I talked about this I also mentioned I didn't see a point in making a post about it, because nothing I was going to say was going to be different than what you had probably already seen everywhere else.

That being said-

I had seen SO MANY idiots on the internet, to which I haven't replied (because I am also trans I used to know when or not to bother with people like that,) which had made me want to discuss the matter in my own words, even if I can't truly add anything new to the table.

So, I will probably do the same reasoning everyone else had already said, if anyone is still interested in reading it feel free, if not you can scroll. I will also address some common criticism of the theory.

Before we start the actual arguments, a few things.

No, I don't think if you believe Gwen is cis you are transphobic or something, as long as you are respectful.

I can't say how people see her or not, and while for me the evidence feels obvious, I know unless we have Gwen saying it (or someone close to her at least,) it cannot be sure one way or another. Remember that, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

I am fine if someone doesn't think she is trans, but I do think believing is IMPOSSIBLE for her to be is when you are entering transphobic territory. The reason why I think this is dumb, aside of the evidence; is the fact that if a character doesn't need to say I'm cis at any point to believe so, Gwen shouldn't need to say I'm trans for people to HC her as such or similar.

With that out of the way, let's start.

Going back to this image, we see that Gwen has a flag that says "Protect trans kids." Which to me feels like says a lot.

I had seen people suggest that "Of course she is an ally, she is a hero!" And while I could get Gwen being interested in helping people who face discrimination, since she deals with crime and such; the idea has me cackling more than anything else.

Is not impossible, but seriously, WHEN had you seen an ally with a flag in their room? It feels like an excuse someone who is in the closet would say; allies could have trans stuff or displayed in certain situations, but those situations tend to be in public, you know? Since being an ally means being vocal when you need to; there is really no reason for an Ally to have a trans flag in their room as decoration.

To top it all off, is on top of her door, not a window or anything, is obviously this is more for her than anything else.

George Stacy has a trans flag on his uniform.

This...This a really big deal honestly.

In a vacuum is a small gesture, perhaps if you aren't part of the community you don't get why I think this is amazing. So let me say a couple of things.

He is supporting his trans daughter; maybe is because of my family, or because all of my current trans and non-gender conforming friends have parents who range from shitting to not very supportive in general. So having Gwen be trans, still be a teen, and her dad supporting her? FUCK that means the world to me, even if I think he isn't that good of a dad.

This is in his uniform, this isn't just supporting Gwen in front of her, but also when she isn't around. You would be surprised how many parents say to be supportive but be quiet while hearing about discrimination. This also can lead me to believe he will be supportive when other trans individuals are around.

He is a cop. In real life, I don't feel safe around cops for a multitude of reasons I will not get to because I don't want to get too political here. Regardless, the fact that he is the Police Captain of his department while having this shows that he can be supportive of trans people, is huge.

Now, I know the next piece of evidence has been debated A LOT, especially for people who honestly, have clearly no idea how cinema, animation, or art work at all.

You know? Coding can be so funny at times.

There have been multiple times, when things had been coded on purpose, to the point I thought it was as subtle as a brick hitting your face; and yet I still find people who don't get it and just baffled me to not end.

Examples: Norma in Dead End Paranormal is coded as autistic, but it is never explicitly said on the show, (I think is mentioned in the comics? I know the creator is autistic.) However I never felt it needed to, because Normal has so many signs and hints that I clock her in the first episode, and the representation is so point it feels as if she needed to state she is a woman of color.

Nimona is another example related to the trans experience; seriously almost word for word what Nimona says can be applied to trans people, with the creator also being trans; and yet I was baffled to see some people saw the movie and didn't clock that.

Now, is what Gwen is saying in this scene talking about her experience being Spider-woman? Yes. However, just like Nimona didn't explicitly say she was trans, their entire story revolves around a trans allegory (As well as being likely genderfluid,) feels like is trying to say something.

Not to mention that this is a story, an animated one at that; everything you see on screen was put there by someone and animation tends to have fewer coincidences because you are going to be staring at this screen for a LONG time most probably. It was also noted by the crunch situation (which is again, horrifying and I think Chris Miller needs to find another way to work rather than wasting time and resources like he did,) that the writers had a tendency to tweak to make sure everything was on point; this couldn't have been thrown carelessly.

With all of this preface, Gwen's speech in this section? This could be played WORD BY WORD on a come-out speech.

"And they can only know half of who I am!" -> Having your real gender identity in the closet a lot of times feels like you need to hide half of who you are, from likings to aesthetics to even how you behave socially, it can be a big toll.

"So I'm completely on my own!" -> This is a common sentiment for people who are in the closet without support, because you are carrying all these feelings alone and have no one to understand.

"And now, I don't- I don't even know what the right thing is, anymore!" -> People may be a bit confused about this one, but believe it or not, it happens more often than you think. Should you transition? Should you wait a few years? Should you try to have this conversation with your parents, cousins, etc?

"But I know...I can't lose, one more friend." -> I don't think, I need to talk about how often people aren't supportive of trans individuals. I could talk more about this, but frankly, I don't need to. It happens, even to this day and age, especially in the current political climate.

To top all of this off, the reason why I singling this part (Aside from this speech being as subtle as the Ruby Gillman movie having the antagonist be a parody of Ariel.) Is the background.

The colors are just like a trans flag.

Now, I had seen people suggest that pointing at this is dumb because "that's just an homage to the covers!"

To which I said, no, this is the homage.

And what the background is doing with Gwen in the speech scene is definitely not the same thing.

I find this argument really funny from an artistic point of view, but in case people are wondering why I don't think it counts, let me number a few things.

The covers do this lighting situation OUTSIDE, they normally depict Gwen being around the city on a landscape when things happen, not indoors. This is both the covers and the sky in Gwen's universe. But we don't see indoor places doing this really.

The colors blend, while you can see buildings and windows have their own colours, you can also see them going from orange, to pink and red on the exact same wall.

If you want even more proof of my support, let me show you what the artbook says about this (which includes the covers.)

My point is, even if we try to argue that the covers had something to do; do you think in a movie where they already have Gwen had a trans flag, her dad had a trans patch; would have a moment when the speech mimics exactly the trans experience (or a big chunk for many people,) with the colors in the background being EXACTLY like a trans a flag, with creators and creative that they have STATED, the importance of color in Gwen's world and in Gwen specifically, somehow just choose colors at random at a pivotal moment of the movie?

And I am somehow the crazy one?

Biases

I like to believe I am a fair person, for the most part. Every time I do these analyses I try to be as impartial as possible, and when I know there is a chance my biases and personal opinion will come into hand, I said that much.

As I said before, I am trans, anyone who has seen at least my master post can probably guess I like Gwen. Having a character I dearly love be trans (Even if our situations are wildly different) obviously means the world to me, and perhaps I would have had a similar headcanon even without any hints or evidence.

Regardless, I don't think what I am saying is purely biased; things are put in movies for a reason, especially animated movies, and let me tell you something, has this been another character, especially if it was a new character? I don't think people would be debating this.

If we have a new character having a trans flag in their room, their dad having a trans patch, this narrative; I doubt anyone would be saying this is coding. (Honestly, we would probably have more dudebros saying this is woke garbage than the ones I had seen lol.)

Alternative theories

Now, since I have addressed the theory and some of its criticism, I can't just ignore the number of people had rather than thinking Gwen is trans, believe someone else is.

Theory 1: Peter is Trans

This isn't odd. Honestly if you had been part of the Spiderman community while being queer, or aware of queer readings, you would have probably come around to the fact that a lot of people headcanon Peter Parker as trans, in multiple different variants in different mediums.

Partially because the spidey-hero situation really mimics the trans experience (there is a reason why you can put Gwen's speech on a come-out scene while simultaneously being about her hero identity without either way sounding forced,) and depending on what source materials, other clues can apply. This post isn't about that and it is already extremely long, so I will not dwell on this.

With this theory in mind, Gwen and her dad would be having trans flag and patch in memory of Peter, since with this theory it was likely that was the reason he was bullied, and probably another reason why to experiment to become the lizard; since being bullied could make him feel like he needs to find a way to be more masculine.

And look, do I have a problem with people thinking Peter is trans? Not really, I encourage it, I personally like the idea that both Gwen and Peter were trans and they bonded over it.

However, I wouldn't want this to be in canon, why?... It feels like it would fall into some harmful stereotypes.

Think about it this way; if we go with this route, a trans teen was bullied, after showing he looks like he is kind of isolated (Gwen seems to have the band at least, Peter looks like he was a loner, and then Gwen started to put distance between them because Spider-woman issues.) Get's so desperate that in an attempt to be "special" (maybe even "better" and "stronger," if he felt he wasn't enough as he was,) tries to experiment with things he shouldn't dying in the process; to which Gwen and her dad then would try to fight for trans rights in his memory, as this theory also heavily implies Peter was bullied because he was trans.

And look, angst narratives had their place, and a lot of people like this narrative, heck I remember a book that does something similar (More than Gold is the name, tho the character doesn't die,) and that was written by a trans person.

Nonetheless, the idea to suggest the only trans person in this narrative, dies after ostracization and bullying, and their purpose on the story as a whole would be to fuel Gwen's pain, with the "protect trans kids" idea only happening partially because of her guilt; feels a lot like "bury your gays (or trans in this case,)" something akin to frigging (while Peter would obviously still consider a boy in this theory, having a character from a minority die to hurt/inspire a protagonist, feels deeply concerning.) Is just a combination of too many things that I dislike.

Again, if someone likes this idea I will not say they are a bad person or anything; but I would have fewer issues if it wasn't because a SIGNIFICANT number of those who said this theory, had also shown to be deeply transphobic; insisting Gwen is obviously not trans with non-arguments. Doesn't need to be everyone, but it still annoys me.

2. Captain Stacy IS the trans one!

This one is...interesting, to say the least.

This one is less frequent than Peter's, but I had seen it pop around enough that I decided to address it.

Unlike Peter's, this one doesn't carry horrible connotations. Well it would have the "only" (if we go with this theory and with no other "canon" trans parent in the story,) trans parent be also the one that tries to point a gun at his daughter, to also be so extremely stubborn even when she finally comes back he acts kind of petulant- okay all of these things are bad, however, they wouldn't need to be related to each other; since none of these are really stereotypes of trans men. That's something?

Anyways, the big idea behind this theory is that aside from being more plausible for an adult to use a trans patch because they are trans rather than because their kid is trans, it could be a possible explanation as to why there is no mom or mention of a mom, since this child could be in vitro.

Which, okay, not that bad; I don't think a lot of trans men would like the idea of being pregnant, however, it has happened before so why not.

I don't think this is a bad theory overall, I just don't roll with it because it feels kind of, lazy? Again, do as you may; but it feels that the people who did it were more interested in again, having an explanation for Gwen not being trans, while also not actively being transphobic. Maybe some people just want more trans dad content I don't know.

There are technically instances of both the Peter theory and the Dad theory that could dethrone both of these, but the one related to Peter makes me feel a bit gross to think too hard about, and the other George one could imply something things that one way or other I don't like when the reality is that is a few frames on a scene where the patch isn't the focus. Another reason is that hey, if I don't have solid evidence on my own, I am not going to nitpick at other fan theories.

Speaking of which.

Is this Representation?

Short answer: No, no it's not.

I don't even want to discuss if is good representation, because it doesn't feel like it is to begin with. Yes, I do believe Gwen is trans, but all the things I have are background references, that are okay, however not having a confirmation does sting. It doesn't have to be the focus of her character, yet is not even off comments really, just some clues around.

Do I think it doesn't have Merit? No.

I remember during the first days this movie was out, I read a comment from someone who was in Florida, who said when they saw the "Protect Trans Kids" flag in Gwen's room, started crying.

I think of myself, almost a decade ago, in a country that wasn't really welcome to gay people, much less trans people; of the discrimination I faced because of it. I think when I was a teen, grappling with all these feelings; and how I would had feel seen the badass and cool, Gwen Stacy as Spider-woman, having that trans flag in their room. I know I would have cried too.

We cannot act like things are perfect currently; the United States, England, and other countries are becoming increasingly transphobic; having these things in a PG movie, from a big company, that is released to a worldwide level and is making bank. Not to mention that as small as these details are, the movie did end up getting banned for it, not even censored.

I think we can get better representation, but it doesn't mean this is less huge or less special; even if it didn't touch me like it would have in the past, it had touched many people, and that's something I appreciate one way or another.

This is in itself, another reason why to love this idea.

Gwen being trans fits the themes of the story better

Stan Lee is obviously, talking about Spider-MAN, but it gets the message across doesn't it?

Part of the reason Spiderman became so iconic, was the idea that ANYONE could be Spiderman, this ended up involved in these movies too.

In Across the Spider-verse, we see multiple types of spiders, people from the future, and past, children, women, men, animals, and a popsicle at one point (literally.) The movie also has Miguel, who is the antagonist, convinced what makes them Spiderman/Spiderwoman/you get the idea- is decided by a cosmic force, with Miles claiming that Spiderman is an idea, a responsibility, but something much more diverse than "you need these events to happen in order to be considered truly spiderman."

In Into the Spider-verse, this idea is also shown, by having spideys that are not just Peter Parker, and how Peter while important, isn't truly the protagonist of this tale, he doesn't need to be.

This franchise hinders the idea that being Spiderman is more than a name, a gender, or your background; is about someone that when given the possibility of using their powers for their own gain or ignoring the call, decides to risk it all, to handle a difficult life, to try to do their best despite the circumstances; because the essence of Spiderman, is being a hero, and anyone can be Spiderman. Anyone can be a hero.

Gwen being trans, elevates this idea.

While I think having more Spider-woman content is empowering on its own, cis woman or trans, the idea of having a trans hero obviously exemplifies this idea more than having her absence.

If Gwen is a trans girl, it would mean having a trans girl who is a tridimensional character, a trans teen that messes up, that doesn't know what to do, but is also a hero, and wants to do her best like everyone else. It means showing a trans girl as someone beautiful, badass, and having a guy who adores her with all his might.

If the idea of having her Peter be trans could be problematic, having her be trans means having a great role model, means a story about trans joy where we are free to be more than our identities, because the idea of Gwen casually being a hero and also trans is amazing in its own.

Is not perfect, but I ultimately love this idea, because it brings me hope. It means comfort for some trans and trans teens suffering out there, it means perhaps someone out there will try to offer more stories on the big screen with trans teens.

I want to believe this because Gwen being trans means more for us and the narrative than it would be otherwise. Let us have our dreams.

[dragons-and-dwarves-are-nice]

To the Shadows that Cry Witch /// Chapter 3

Hello! Sorry it’s a bit late, I’ve been settling in the cottage I’m in on holiday. I can't wait for to post this part, since it's now finally starting to kick off! For those who have asked to be in the Taglist, just know you're on the guest list for my funeral, cuz you guys are the ones giving me motivation. <3333333

Summary: Magic was real, but it came at a price. So when two girls from England ended up in the one place they never thought they could reach, strange things began to happen. Good or bad? That's up to them to find out.

Tags: Kíli x oc/reader - Fíli x oc (POV to be written soon) - Thorin's company x ocs/reader (platonic) - fluff - angst - SUPER slow burn - crack - Bagginshield

Word Count: 1017 (Slightly shorter this time)

Warnings: Blood, Minor Injuries, Kate's having a slight panic attack but doesn't realise it lol

Taglist - comment or message to be added!

PLEASE START FROM THE PROLOGUE IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY OK LOVE U

Want some background music? Check out my Soundtrack Playlist!

Now available on Wattpad and AO3 (please let me know if links aren't working)

< Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 >

PART 1: Chapter 3 -

Error: Friend not found.

Throughout time, it was believed that bridges were gateways to other realms and dimensions, and this is what some people believed supernatural creatures such as ghosts used to cross into the world of the living.

Now would be a good time to be anyone but me.

 Chills swept up my spine and down my limbs as I felt frozen in place at the sight before me. Mind clouded with anxiety and confusion, I racked my brain to see if I could come to even a singular conclusion to why Kay had evaporated into thin air.

Breaking through my fuzzed up thoughts, I went with my first idea. Sprinting to where I had last seen her leaning on the other side of the bridge, I practically threw the top half of my body over the edge.

My wide eyes glared into the depths below, scanning intently for any sign that she had fallen in. A circle of ripples, bubbles, anything! But to my bewilderment, nothing revealed any indication that she had landed in the water. Well, now that I come to think of it, if she had fallen, there would’ve been at least some noise. Whether it was a splash, or her screaming as she fell.

I breathed a small sigh in relief as I semi-ruled out the possibility. But the unease swept back like a wave, as I remembered that I was currently alone, in the middle of the woods, with nothing but a thin waterproof coat to keep me warm.

—————————-

The next couple minutes was spent retracing my steps as I returned to the clearing, the whole time I called Kay’s name, straining my ears through the noise of the birds and trees for any sort of reply.

I eventually returned to the bridge, with the intent of returning to the car park to see if Kay had ended up there, and worst case scenario, report her missing.

I switched on my phone’s torch, in order to navigate my way back in the now dying light, whilst nothing but panic pumped at high speed through my veins, my head still clogged with questions about what happened.

Tears pricked at my eyes at the thought of my missing friend and being alone in the middle of nowhere. Nothing like this should happen unless it was a horror movie! What caused her to disappear? How did she vanish so quickly and quietly? I wiped at my glassy eyes, black mascara now smudged on my hand and probably my face. I pushed on and started my way over the bridge.

It was now dark, with only my phone bearing a sphere of light to illuminate what was in front of me. I lifted my head to look ahead, only to stagger to a stop, shock crashing over me for the second time this evening - only this time it was impossible to try and come up with an explanation.

It seemed to shimmer and glitter in the light of my torch, and all I could do for a moment was peer at it with nothing but bafflement as I tried to wrap my head around what I was witnessing. A shaky breath rattled through my lungs as I shuffled a tantalising foot forwards. Call me dumb, but crossing this bridge was my only way back, and this thing completely blocked the path.

It looked like a wall of some sort – transparent – as I could just make out the other side, but it swirled and morphed between white and grey, as if someone had taken the world’s biggest liquid veil and defied gravity by hanging it up in the middle of nowhere. Scanning it whilst moving my phone about, I theorised that this could most likely be behind Kay’s bizarre disappearance.

I slowly lowered myself to the ground, patting my hand about on the wooden floor for a stick I had spotted earlier whilst keeping a firm eye on the veil. I soon felt the knobbly bark and wrapped my hand around it before gradually straightening back up. I held it up in front of me, as both defence and a prodder and inched it forward with my shaking hand until it was no more than a half inch away.

Gently swaying the thin branch from side to side, I cautiously edged it closer each time, making the crazy decision to see if I could swirl what I guessed was liquid within this mysterious wall. That was, until the stick finally came in contact.

I let out a sharp cry of alarm as the stick was torn out of my hand and with a flash, it was gone. I let out a hiss, grimacing as I felt a harsh burning and opened my hand, only to see gashes where the branch had torn at my skin as the veil sucked it in at the speed of light. Clenching my jaw and taking deep breaths through my nose, I tried to put pressure on the wounds in an attempt to stop the blood that was now oozing out and running down my arm.

But what was most important, is that I now had a clear idea of what happened to Kay.

With newfound determination, I strode up to the veil, eager to find my friend. Coming face to face, it was only when I went to step forward, did I hesitate.

What if something bad happens as soon as I stepped through? I didn’t want both of us to go missing without a trace. What would become of our family, and other friends? I didn’t want to put that type of trauma on them! However, it would be worse if I returned alone, I don’t think Kay’s mum would ever forgive me for losing her daughter.

Coming to a final decision, I faced back towards the wall, trying my best to keep myself from faltering.

“I swear down if I don’t come back from this they better put me on Buzzfeed Unsolved.” I muttered to myself.

Reaching out again with my bleeding hand, I decided there was no turning back now, and with a deep breath, I touched the wall.

With a ferocious jolt, my feet were swept from underneath me, and before I could let out even a scream, I was thrusted forward into darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

< Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 >

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Can't wait to see you on the 7th April for Chapter 4! Also please comment if you want to be added to the Taglist <3

Taglist:

@opheliasdrowningg @mrsdurin @g1gglef1t @qmabailor @jupiterrdarling

(Message me if your tag isn’t working)

[random-mailbox]

Random-Mailbox's Favorite Sailor Moon Fics - Week 9 - Wrong Perceptions

I feel like Usagi gets misrepresented in a subset of fics where she is made to look both less smart, less caring, and less on top of things than I feel she should be (regardless of whether you use manga or original anime as your baseline). So it was refreshing to find the below stories where that gets turned on its head a bit. This post has moved around in the queue but I finally get to share some of my favourites. 

As always, my apologies in advance for spoiling some of these for you (Fic Titles are linked to either FFN or AO3 entries).

Hero Wanted - Meg-Of-The-Moon

Usagi gets hurt saving a little girl, but the perceptions of her by the people in her neighbourhood are next to impossible to change. As she listens to their speculations about her less-than-positive reasoning for choosing to help, someone else comes to her own rescue. 

Shades of Grey - 44musicfreak44

I found this story an interesting study in how an individual could actually feel vs their self imposed demeanour to the outside world. This one-shot is slotted right before the big battle in the Dark Kingdom arc with the weight of everything slowly wearing down on Usagi until all she feels is hopelessness and exhaustion from battles, training and pressure on her to save everyone. Can a conversation with someone help her see things slightly differently?

A Stitch In Time - Princess Ophelia

This is probably my favourite Time-Travel trope story at this time. Princess Serenity defies her mother and tries to go see Prince Endymion despite the unrest on Earth. Except she instead swaps places with Usagi in the future for a bit, unintentionally giving things away about her future-self that were purposefully hidden from EVERYONE, including Pluto. While Usagi gets to live through the day that features prominently in the nightmares of her past life.

You're Real, Aren't You? - @master-ray5

Mamoru cannot fathom that Usagi could be as nice of a person as everyone, including his best friend, suggests. So for years he does his best to try and prove them wrong. But is he actually right? Or did his past colour his perception?

I Was A Princess - @angelmoongirl

Little Usagi tells her mother increasingly detailed tales of her being a princess. But why would Ikuko believe that the stories are anything more than the vivid imagination of a toddler, no matter how intense they might be becoming?

She's Smarter Than You Think, Rei - bashfulglowfly

Once and for all, Ami (having gotten absolutely fed up with Rei's treatment of their princess) explains why Usagi's grades may not be what they appear at first glance. 

Next week we will cover my favourite Non-senshi AU stories from @floraone trope matrix based on the request from @areptiledysfunction1107. I can't wait!

Here are the links to the previous posts to explore more amazing works based on different tropes - make sure to check them out if you haven't had a chance!

Sex Positivity

Established Relationships

Groundhog Day

Unfinished Stories

Darker Stories

Potions 🧪

Reveals

👻Halloween🎃

[fencesandfrogs]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @yee-hawlw

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

208!

2. what's your total ao3 wordcount?

524,331

3. what fandoms do you write for?

top five would be warriors, moon knight, star trek, overwatch, and homestuck. i haven't posted anything for overwatch or homestuck in AGES tho, and i've got a good number of fic plans for fandoms i've never posted for. i just like to be complicated like that ig.

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

burned off the tapestry; drarry. written in high school.

ashes; squirrelflight/ashfur. in dear deserving of an update. i'll get there. eventually.

if i ever get the nerve to say hello; k/s accidentally secret relationship where uhura thinks she's dating spock.

better left unsaid; po3 slight-crack about everyone knowing the three aren't biologically squirrelflight's.

a cool summer night (and this sweet breeze); some hollywillow/kestreljay nonsense. can't believe this one is in my top 5. i don't even ship kestreljay. i don't even LIKE kestreljay. it's only in this fic because the premise required it.

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i try, but not very often. honestly sometimes i forget, sometimes i'm busy, sometimes it's just too much. basically all my fics have moderated comments because i have had Issues with commentors in the past, but. i collect the comments in my inbox and love them very mcuh.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oof, tough question. i'm gonna go with "anything at all," which uh. ends with a mother finding her teenage daughter dead by drug overdose. i don't think it's my best work, i wrote it when i was like 15, but it's probably the worst ending.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oh shit i have to go thru all my fics again? damn. this is easier and harder than the previous one. i like to write happy endings! i prefer it! but i limited myself to only fics with happy endings, not, like. fluff pieces that are all happy. and with that, i'm gonna go with "i see the moonlight steal across your sheets." yes, it is the daddy kink tigerdove one, but it has a very happy ending with very little bittersweet.

runners up include: "a firefly is forever (you know my answer)", "a tree called life," and "it's mere assignment."

8. do you get hate on fic?

rarely. in my inbox is more common. i moderate comments for a reason tho LOL.

i think people on ao3 are much less likely to have problems with me because things are always tagged and warned for. you can't really go into a fic from me and not know what you're getting into.

9. do you write smut?

yes, but i haven't finished anything to publish. which is funny. because i write a lot of smut. [i do have one explicit fic, but. it's not smut.]

10. do you write crossovers?

my first ever fic (written and posted when i was ten) was a crossover. other than that...i write fusions, sometimes. i have a warriors & night circus crossover which is a proper crossover but doesn't really engage with the world as a crossover, if that makes sense. they're not really my thing tho.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i remember? i think i've had to address people over copied paragraphs, but i don't think i remember the details of that. it could've been me noticing someone else's work being copied.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! and it was very kind of the person who did so.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

...it's complicated.

i'm working on a co-written fic rn tho.

14. what's your all-time favorite ship?

character named james who goes by something else X guy who is constantly getting into situations.

(not really a joke, three of my favorite tags on ao3 fit this description. house/wilson, k/s, steve/bucky.)

15. what's a WIP you want to finish but probably won't?

ohf, i'll admit it here ig. i have a shrewsquirrel piece, "waiting for me in some unholy sunlight," that i really adore. but uh the ending. it ends in a bittersweet way, and uh. well. the ending i had planned ended up more-or-less happening irl. so. i can't. i just can't.

16. what are your writing strengths?

tenacity. lol. uh, i think i'm good at description when i let myself get into it. and i think i'm good at like. the structural elements of writing.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

actually fucking finishing things. and. i've gotten a lot better at it, but i still struggle to keep a balance between narration and dialogue. sometimes it feels like there are pages between two sentences in a conversation.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

goddamn this is something i've done. i think i've mentioned most of the fics involving this here also. okay. so. i'm going to answer with what i do, because there's not, like, one right solution to this. what i prefer to do is keep everything in english, and use dialogue tags to specify what language is being spoken. however, if it's a single word, or a specific phrase, i might keep it in the original language, for flavor/"it's a concept that doesn't translate well."

i have written a fic with sentences in spanish, and i took a long time to make hover translations work, except it doesn't have accents because to this day i can't figure out how to make it work. sobbing and crying etc.

i don't think i would do that with a language i didn't know. in that case, the character being latina was important to how i wanted to angle the story, so it made sense. i'm not sure if i'd do that in a different situation?

basically i play things very by ear. if i was writing a physical book with pages, i would use footnotes fairly heavily, but it's not the same on ao3. you have to lose your place to check a footnote. like, even if it's linked back to the spot (which, y'know, i would do, now that i know how to make footnotes), it jars you a bit.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

i'll give you half the cross over, MLP:FIM

20. favorite fic you've written?

that would be telling ;3

tagging @kudossi, @creed-of-cats, and @secondyearpigeon, with no pressure. anyone else who wants to is welcome <3

[oh-hey-big-zam]

Gotta take a little time

Post summary: Eddie Munson knows his place in the high school hierarchy. So when he finds a note in his locker from the new head cheerleader asking to meet after school, he can't imagine what might lay in store for him.

Pairing: Chrissy Cunningham/Eddie Munson

Word count: 23K

Content warnings: Slight self-harm, verbal and physical parental abuse, explicit sexual content, Vecna being a dick

When Eddie Munson, still groggy from his nap in calculus class, opened his locker to see a neatly folded piece of notebook paper that had been slipped inside, he expected the usual not-so-anonymous insult from the ruling class of Hawkins High.

Freak. Trash. Criminal.

He sighed, debating just tossing it into a nearby trashcan. Something made him hesitate though; maybe it was the way the scraggly little bits of paper on the left side had been carefully cut away. Why would someone who wanted to throw one of their usual insults at him go through all that trouble, he wondered. He shrugged slightly and unfolded it, seeing a message written in looping cursive.

Hi Eddie,

This is Chrissy Cunningham. I'm a senior here at Hawkins, the head cheerleader in fact! Maybe you know that already, although I don't see you at too many games. We kind of knew each other a while ago but it looks like we have different friend groups these days.

Holy shit, little miss perfect was slipping him a note at his locker? Of course he knew who she was; even someone who had no interest in the local teen royalty couldn't help but notice who the newest top dogs were. Word around the lunch tables was that she was dating that chode Jason Carver. God-fearing, all-American daddy's boy who wouldn't know an original thought if it came up and bit him. What the hell was she doing slipping notes to Eddie of all people? 'Different friend groups' was putting it mildly. It was more like different worlds.

This is kind of, ok really, awkward, especially to bring up to someone I haven't talked to in years, but I've been having a lot of trouble lately. Like, mentally. I promise I'm not a basket case, it's probably just stress. You know, graduation and prom coming up, college applications. It's probably nothing. But I keep seeing stuff out of nowhere in the middle of the day. Like, having visions? Stuff with like my parents and things my mom used to say to me. It's hard to explain and I don't want to get into it. I haven't been able to sleep much, and I keep getting these insane headaches out of nowhere. And nosebleeds. Like I said, it's probably just stress. But this is different somehow. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I've spent a long time learning to deal with that stuff. Memories I can't erase. But it's like all of a sudden nothing seems to work. Like everything is laid bare. And I don't know what to do.

Eddie stopped, feeling a twinge of sympathy in his gut. Jesus, the poor girl. He knew what it was like to have thoughts you couldn't shake, but this seemed a bit beyond the pale. Why didn't she talk to her boyfriend about this stuff?

I know what you might be thinking, Eddie. I have an awesome boyfriend, right? Why don't I go to him with these thoughts and feelings? And I guess I could, but something tells me he wouldn't understand. See, he's kind of old school. He doesn't really believe in anything, apart from God and football and family and all that. If I told him about this, he'd either have me put in a straight jacket or have someone pray over me.

What I'm getting at is, I think I need something to take the edge off. Take my mind off all this stuff. Someone on the cheer squad told me you sold her brother weed and acid last year. I don't really know about all that to be honest. I keep hearing all these stories about people taking acid and then jumping out of a five story window. I don't know if that's true, but maybe weed would be ok. A lot of people smoke weed and don't go crazy, right? At least, that's what I'm trying to avoid. The last thing I want would be to lose everything I finally got this year just because I can't handle a little stress. I have some money I can give you. If you're interested, maybe we can meet at the picnic table behind the parking lot at 3:30? I mean, I don't know if you have plans or how all this works. I'll be there in any case. Thanks again for reading all this, if you made it this far. See you soon. :)

Eddie leaned back against his locker, feeling a little stunned. His head was spinning with a myriad of thoughts. Namely: Chrissy knew he was, well enough to know he was the local dealer; her enviable boyfriend was apparently incapable of providing emotional support in her time of need; and lastly, sweet innocent Chrissy wanted to buy weed from him after school today. He looked around, wondering if he was getting pranked by the basketball team, or maybe this was part of a very targeted sting operation. Was Chrissy a cop? Was it possible she was just walking around with a gun and badge in her cheerleading uniform?

“Yo Eddie, you coming to lunch?”

He looked up, mouth still hanging slightly open. Dustin and Mike were standing in front of him, both decked out in Hellfire shirts and watching him expectantly.

“Uhh...yeah. Give me, uh, give me a minute and I'll meet you guys at our table.”

The two younger boys exchanged a brief look and began walking towards the lunch room. Eddie felt his face heat up all of a sudden, like he'd been caught looking at something he shouldn't. What was wrong with him? So some not-so-innocent cheerleader wanted to buy weed from him with daddy's allowance. It was nothing new. Not all of his clients were male; there were a fair few girls who came to him periodically, some of them awkwardly flirting with him in hopes of a discounted sale. He didn't think too much of it; he was hardly the type any girl would want to publicly go out with. Certainly not Chrissy Cunningham. Just this year, she had been made head cheerleader after gunning for it for ages, and she had snagged the hottest guy in school. Although clearly not the most emotionally intelligent.

He thought again of the forlorn little smiley face at the end of her note. After reading what came before it, about her awful visions and looming breakdown, that smiley face seemed so sad he almost wanted to cry. He felt an awful memory of his own creep in, of a middle school talent show gone awry.

Fuck.

He shook his head; nope, he would not be thinking of that today, thank you very much. He would sell the weed to the head cheerleader, and he would be a perfect businessman, and that would be the end of it. No lingering memories of a middle school crush, no feeling sorry for the girl. She had more of a support network than he did, he was sure. What was he doing feeling bad for someone who had everything anyways? He scoffed and shoved the note in his back pocket; he grabbed the latest Newsweek out of his locker and slammed it shut with finality.

–

Standing about 20 feet behind him at her own locker, a girl with reddish-blonde hair slowly lowered the book she had been hiding behind. She bit her lip anxiously, wondering if this was the worst idea she'd ever had. Her boyfriend came up behind her, gently yanking her ponytail. “Hey, Chrissy.”

She spun around, jumpy and startled. “Oh, Jesus – sorry, you scared me,” Chrissy said, laughing nervously.

Jason smiled indulgently. “Sorry, babe. You just seemed so lost in thought I figured I'd come save you.”

Yes, god forbid I have a minute to myself to think.

She forced a pained smile onto her face. “How was Carver's class?”

Jason rolled his eyes, clearly not impressed with his English teacher.

“Oh, you know, Jay Gatsby is in love with Daisy and stares at the green light all night, blah blah. The only thing I'm getting from that stupid book is that her husband should have decked this guy in the face a long time ago.”

Chrissy forced a laugh.

Isn't Great Gatsby a tenth-grade book? Do they really let the basketball team get that far behind in academics?

Jason smiled at her. “Hey, let's grab lunch before all the good stuff gets taken.”

He wrapped his arm around her waist and led her onward; she surreptitiously glanced just once at Eddie's locker as they headed up the hallway.

At 3:30 exactly, Eddie sauntered towards the splintery picnic table that had been the site of many clandestine deals over his extended time at the school. He couldn't remember ever being so punctual; it wasn't that he meant to keep people waiting, necessarily; although he did get a certain satisfaction from seeing someone waiting at the table, fidgeting with anticipation. Apart from D&D, it felt like the only moments in his life where his efforts were really and truly appreciated, even if only by the nature of addiction. Those stuffed shirts at Newsweek who railed against roleplaying games would shit themselves if they knew how many teenagers in quaint little Indiana were into the really hard stuff. As he walked up to the usual spot, he saw something that really shouldn't have bothered him, but for some reason made his blood run a little cold. Chrissy was standing facing away from the table, staring at a fixed point in front of her. He nudged reluctantly closer to her, arms crossed in front of himself protectively. As he drew nearer, he saw a stiff and horrified expression on her face. This was definitely not someone just daydreaming or lost in thought. It was more like someone seeing war flashbacks.

“Chrissy?”

She gasped as if she had been drowning for several minutes and was only now breaching water.

“Oh, god! S-sorry, you came up so suddenly.”

Eddie backed away and put up his arms in exaggerated fashion, hoping to put her at ease.

“It's cool, I'm not packing heat or anything.”

Chrissy gave a slightly confused but polite smile and said nothing.

Boy, this is going well.

He cleared his throat and swung his legs over the picnic bench seat to sit in his usual spot. Chrissy still stood where he had found her, hands twisting together anxiously and looking lost. God, she couldn't be any more out of her depth. What the hell is she going through to make herself do this?

Eddie waved a hand in front of the table, trying to be welcoming. “Please, enter my office.”

“Right.” Chrissy took a few hesitant steps forward and sat across from him.

“Uh, so you wanted weed, right? What are we talking exactly? A ten-sack? A couple of joints? I can roll them for you if you want, no extra charge. Since, you know, I assume you've literally never done this before.”

Chrissy smiled but still looked on the verge of crying. “Um...yeah, you know, whatever you...usually do, I guess.”

Eddie gave a small sigh, tapping his fingers on his lunchbox full of paraphernalia.

“I'm sorry,” she choked out suddenly. “I don't mean to be...like, stupid with this stuff or waste your time. I just don't know like...what a ten-sack is?”

Eddie shook his head. “Sorry, I'm not annoyed with you, Chrissy. I'm mostly just sitting here wondering what, or who, you're doing this for. Be honest with me, please. Is your boyfriend making you buy him weed? Is he too afraid that it'll ruin his frigging basketball scholarship or that the local church leaders will find out and excommunicate his sorry ass?”

“No!” she said loudly and with some desperation. “No, it's nothing like that, please...” Now she really did start to cry, not dramatically but as quietly as she could, holding a fist over her mouth as tears streaked slowly down her face.

Fuck.

Eddie couldn't believe his own assholishness in that moment. He had been so concerned with shitting on Jason and assuming the worst that he had made a girl cry, a girl who was clearly going through a fucking hard time. He had never been good at comforting people, especially when it counted most. Not knowing what else to do, he stood up and sat next to Chrissy, gingerly putting an arm around her. As soon as he did so, he felt sure she would push him away, call him a fucking creep, then run to Jason and get him to beat the hell of Eddie. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, sobbing brokenly into his neck.

Oh.

Eddie gently rubbed the girl's upper back, hoping it was what she needed. He had never found himself in this particular position before; he wasn't normally the type people went to as a shoulder to literally cry on. He hoped like hell no one else at Hawkins came out here at this particular moment. After a few minutes, Chrissy's sobs were depleted and she heaved a sigh. He expected her to lurch away as soon as she was done crying, but she stayed nestled in his neck, trying to breathe evenly again. His mind raced for a comforting word or two and came up empty.

“Sorry I, uh, didn't bring any tissues, but you can use my sleeve if you want.”

Chrissy laughed raggedly; Eddie felt an odd relief tug at this heart. She backed away slightly, still sitting nearer to him than he would have expected.

“I'm so sorry, Eddie, I don't know why I'm acting like this. I just really haven't been myself lately, I haven't been sleeping...”

“Hey, it's ok,” he gently told her. “You don't have to worry about anything right now, just...breathe.”

Chrissy nodded, wiping her eyes with her cardigan sleeves. Eddie couldn't believe how small and broken she looked in that moment. She was all confidence and smiles when doing cheer routines and walking the halls with her conventional friends and parent-approved boyfriend. What must she be going through to make her so desperately sad and scared?

“Ok, uh...I think we should get ice cream,” he ventured suddenly.

She looked up, bemused. “Ice cream?”

“Yeah, you know, my mom used to say there's no trouble on earth that can't be assuaged by getting some ice cream.”

She wrapped her sweater tighter around herself and looked into the distance. “You know, I haven't had ice cream in like, six months.”

“Six months?!”

“Yeah, you know, ever since I joined the squad, all the other girls talk about is how much they love plain chicken and barfing up every other meal.”

Eddie grimaced sympathetically. “Well...if you want plain chicken, I'm sure that can be arranged.”

Chrissy scoffed, looking disgusted. “No, you're right. Ice cream would be fucking...great right now. A big-ass scoop of strawberry with sprinkles.”

Eddie smiled; it was the first time he had ever heard her swear, and he saw it as a good sign. He nodded his head towards the parking lot.

“Then let's hit the road.”

The two teens sat in Eddie's van, parked in the lot of the local Dairy Queen. Eddie could remember when they built this place a few years ago, ousting the local mom and pop ice cream shop that had stood for 26 years. His friends had waited in line all night and swarmed the store upon opening; he guessed that was what passed for excitement in Hawkins, Indiana. He was working his way through an Oreo blizzard, while Chrissy took delicate bites of her strawberry cone next to him. She looked ecstatically happy compared to earlier; he guessed he would be too if he had ice cream for the first time in six goddamn months.

“Ok, Three's Company or Who's the Boss?” Eddie inquired.

“Hmm...my parents never let me watch Three's Company, so I guess Who's the Boss is better by default.”

“They didn't let you watch it?”

“No,” she giggled. “They thought it was inappropriate because it was, like, a single guy living with two single girls, and they were always going on dates and stuff.”

“...So?”

She shrugged. “Well, the whole situation kind of lends itself to innuendo, don't you think?”

Eddie laughed. “Your parents seem to think John Ritter was having an orgy with the girls every other episode. Although I definitely would have paid more attention to the storylines if that was the case.”

Chrissy smiled into her ice cream, blushing suddenly. Eddie, feeling a touch devious, decided to push his luck. “Anyways, I always liked Chrissy better.”

She looked up at him. “What?”

“You know, Chrissy, the blonde girl played by Suzanne Somers. Although Janet's pretty cute too.”

“Oh, right. I didn't actually know the names of the characters. Since I didn't watch the show and all.”

“Oh, yeah. Duh.”

“Do you, um, like blondes?” she asked, raising her eyes towards his.

“I, uh...don't really have a preference, honestly.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, nineteen year old virgins can't really afford to be picky.”

Chrissy stifled a laugh. “Oh my god.”

Eddie grinned, hoping he wasn't crossing any lines. “Sorry, that was...maybe a little too personal.”

“No, it's okay,” she said, thankfully not seeming too horrified. “You know, there's nothing wrong with still being a virgin. It's like, we have our whole lives ahead of us, you know?”

“Do you believe in that whole..” he gestured vaguely around. “No sex before marriage, make sure you're with the guy you want to spend your life with and have babies thing?”

Chrissy gave a slight shrug. “I don't know, honestly. On some level I do, but it didn't really work out that well for my parents.”

“Well, what about Jason? I assume he believes in all that stuff.”

She pressed her lips together. “I don't really want to talk about him, honestly.”

“Sorry, I don't mean to-”

“No, it's just...yeah, maybe we're not totally compatible, like he's somehow still at a tenth-grade reading level even though he has a college scholarship for next year. And maybe he believes in some things I don't, but like...I don't know. He's safe. He has a great family, and he's going to school at Indiana State to be an engineer, and maybe if I just stay pretty and don't question him too much, I can get out of here too.”

Eddie sat, feeling a little stunned at how bleak her assessment of her own relationship was. Was Jason just someone she was using? He couldn't find it in himself to feel bad for the guy; he figured he was using her just as much. “Well, that sounds, um...”

“Eddie, I...sorry, but I just don't really want to hear your opinion on this.” She grabbed the empty Blizzard cup out of his hand and wrenched the door open, quickly walking towards a nearby trash can. Eddie's head was spinning. He had long ago given up on selling the girl anything and was trying to give her a little comfort. He bit back an urge to be irritated with her; she was clearly going through hell and he was only making it worse. He reached over to shut her door and left the car, walking towards her. She stood with her arms crossed at the trash can, looking like she had when he first saw her at the bench.

“Ok, I will not discuss my opinions on Jason Carver or the relationship that you guys have. Cross my heart.”

She turned towards him, looking sheepish. “I'm not normally such a bitch, I swear. Ask anyone, I'm really nice! I don't know why...I can't seem to figure out what's come over me lately. That's why I wanted, you know, the weed in the first place. Is that still on the table?”

“It can be, if you want it to be.”

They were interrupted by an older, clearly drunk man, who brushed past them and tossed his open cup into the trash. Chrissy moved towards Eddie who put his arm around her to steer her away. She looked up at him thankfully.

“Look, Chris...I will sell you as much weed as you want, or I'll buy you as much ice cream as you need, if it makes you feel better. But I...” He bit his lip, working to get the right words out. “I don't want to leave you by yourself unless I know you'll be okay. Because it doesn't seem like you have a ton of actual support in your life. Unless I'm wrong?”

She shook her head, leaning closer to him. “No, you're right,” she said softly. “I'm...really not okay. And I don't even know what to do about it anymore. Or who to reach out to. I feel like I'm going crazy. Do you ever feel that way?”

“Only every day of my life. I mean, here I am, having ice cream with Chrissy Cunningham after all these years.”

She furrowed her brows. “After...” she gasped, clasping a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god, Corroded Coffin!”

He grimaced, hoping like hell this exact topic wouldn't come up. “Ah, yeah, you saw my band, huh?”

“Yes! What was it, sixth grade talent show, right? You guys were really good! Are you still in a band?”

“Technically, yes, although we've only officially played a few shows. With, like, four drunk people in the audience.”

“Well, make that five for your next show.”

He smiled tightly, falling silent.

“What? What is it, are you embarrassed? You guys were good, honestly. You know, for sixth graders.”

He nodded, pressing his lips together. “You know, I went to your birthday party that year, too.”

“Really? I don't remember you being there.”

“Yeah, I wasn't there for long that day. See, my mom made me go just to get me out of the house for a while, but she didn't give me a present to give you, even though I begged for days. I thought maybe the pleasure of my company would be enough, but then I saw the table with all the huge presents from the other rich kids. Then one of them started hassling me about it, asking where my present for you was. I was too damn embarrassed to stay after that, so I just...left. Just wandered around the neighborhood until dark and went back home.”

Chrissy looked at him sympathetically. “Hey, I'm sorry. I honestly didn't even realize you were there. I would have hung out with you, I didn't...I don't care about some present.”

He wrapped his arms tightly around himself, feeling a chill creep in. “But you do care, don't you? You know, because you're dating the future engineer with the great family even though you think he's an idiot.”

Chrissy gasped a little, color draining from her face. “That's not fucking fair, Eddie! You don't know what my family is like, you have no idea what I've gone through.”

He shook his head, grinning with sudden spite. “I know they're rich. They have one of the biggest houses on the block and they live in the best neighborhood, as do you! Meanwhile, have you noticed I live in the trailer park and have to sell drugs just to get by? Please spare me the 'daddy was mean to me' shit, Chrissy.”

She stood shivering, looking like he had slapped her. After a few long moments she spoke. “It's not my dad, actually. It's my mom.” She looked up at him with defiant tears brimming. “She makes me feel disgusting. She controls everything I do, everything I eat or say. If she knew I was here, she'd be more upset about the fucking ice cream than the fact that I tried to buy drugs. That's what I've been seeing. Her horrible, spiteful voice criticizing me at every turn. And my dad doesn't do shit.” She sniffled, trying to keep tears from falling. “He doesn't say a damn word, and she just keeps on chipping away at me. At my happiness, at my personality, at my fucking soul. So what if I want to find happiness with someone who has a great future? Is that so fucking wrong? Is it so wrong to want to get out of here?” She looked up at him, tears finally spilling. “Well, is it?”

Eddie looked deeply into her eyes; she felt like he was looking through her.

“Look, I'm not some paragon of, like, self-acceptance or anything. But what I do know is, at the end of the day, you have to find a way to live with yourself. To deal with your shit. Otherwise you're just going to keep making the same mistakes for the rest of your life. Trust me on this one.”

She scoffed, feeling lighter. “You talk like you're in your forties or something. You're only a year older than me.”

He threw up his arms, shrugging. “The wisdom that comes with a life well lived.” He smiled bashfully at her. “Look, I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't know what you were going through. Not that's that an excuse in any case. I get a little touchy about things because everyone in this town thinks I'm a piece of shit.”

“I don't, Eddie. I never did. I wish I had told those kids that were making fun of you to fuck off and leave my party. I would have loved to hang out with you.”

Eddie smiled wistfully. “You know, I only started Corroded Coffin to impress you.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, after the presentless birthday fiasco I started to think about how to make you like me. I gathered up a couple of my idiot friends, and we practiced playing for weeks. I thought if I seemed cool enough it would make up for the fact that I didn't have anything to give you. It only occurred to me after the fact that you were also competing, and therefore waiting in the wings, and not in the audience watching my show. I was fully devastated.” He laughed ruefully. “Pretty fucking dumb, huh?”

She shook her head. “No, I still heard it. My mom was back there with me, wanting me to focus on my stretches, but I was more interested in the cool rock band playing before me. I was actually nervous to go on after because of it.”

He laughed incredulously. “No fucking way, I made you nervous to go on? I don't think anyone clapped for us in the audience, not even the parents. In fact, I'm pretty sure we got a lecture on appropriate lyrical content.”

“Well, just know that I was giving you a standing ovation in my head.”

He grinned, feeling immensely pleased. “I had this ongoing fantasy that you would give me a rose or something after the show, and then we'd go out for ice cream.”

“What is it with you and ice cream, Eddie?”

He shrugged, laughing. “Who doesn't like ice cream?”

She sighed, feeling drained but better than she had in days. “Well, we got your ice cream. Rose delivery is pending.”

They both shivered as a harsh breeze cut through.

“Jesus, how long have we been standing here arguing?” Eddie asked.

“Too long. I need to get somewhere warm, I think.”

“Okay. Let me take you home.” Eddie made to move towards the driver's seat, but Chrissy didn't move from where she was standing. “What is it?”

She looked up at him owlishly. “I don't want to take up more of your time. I just don't know if I want to go home right now.”

“You...want to head back to my place for a bit? It's pretty warm, assuming the heat's working tonight.”

She looked at him, smiling shyly. Suddenly she walked forward, quickly closing the gap between them. She wrapped her arms around his waist and snuggled into his neck, breathing deeply. “This is pretty warm.”

“Uh...yup, sure is.”

Despite the fact that she had approached him of her own accord and was currently snuggling closely, Eddie was hesitant to do anything untoward. There were only certain situations in which he found himself exuding confidence; these mostly amounted to being a game master and playing guitar (assuming drunk bar patrons weren't hurling slurred insults at him like the last time they'd played. And the time before).

He slowly enveloped her in his arms and let his head rest on hers. After a few moments she pulled away, eyeing him curiously. She inclined her head towards his van. “Come on.”

She walked forward and slipped into the passenger seat. Eddie, still in shock, found he couldn't move for a moment. Chrissy playfully honked the van's horn, shaking him out of his reverie.

“Right.” He hustled forward and got into the driver's seat, revving up the engine. As he backed out of the parking spot, he wondered what alternate universe he had slipped into where Chrissy Cunningham, queen of Hawkins High, was comfortably seated in his van on the way to his home. He grinned, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He decided not to question it and satisfied himself with stealing glances at her in the passenger seat. She looked out the window, watching the world pass by. She knew deep down that what Eddie said about not being able to escape yourself was true, but at this particular moment she was more than happy to give herself a break. Jason, her parents, the future, her visions and headaches; it could all wait for another day. Behind them, wind shivered through the trees as a storm began to brew.

Eddie pulled his van to a stop in the usual spot next to his trailer, hoping his uncle was working a late shift tonight. He didn't think his uncle would give them any grief, but he knew Chrissy would feel obligated to put on a smile and make polite conversation for a while. Right now, all he wanted to do was whatever it took to make her feel safe and secure. The fact that she had come to him for comfort out of everyone else in the world nudged at the edge of his mind; he fought off a gnawing hopefulness. Was this a desperate grab in the darkness on her part? And why him? Most of the girls at school thought he was terrifying, and he didn't do much to dissuade them in that notion. He hung out exclusively with the other outcasts at school, feeling pleased with their idolization of him, but at the end of the day he always came home to an empty room.

“Eddie?”

“Hm?” he looked up at her, realizing he'd been staring straight ahead at his steering wheel for a full 30 seconds. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“About what?” she said softly.

He looked her full in the face, taking in her doe eyes and full lips. Despite everything, she still had her hair pulled up neatly into a dark green scrunchie. He wanted nothing more than to reach over and pull it out. He wanted to watch her hair cascade loosely down, he wanted to kiss her deeply and hear her moan under his mouth. Would she let him, in that moment, in her desperation? Would it even be right if he did?

He sighed. “I was thinking about...what we have in the fridge. I'm sure you're hungry, and I'll be really embarrassed if all we have left is half of a jar of old olives.”

She giggled. “Well, I can order us a pizza.” She brandished the money that had been earmarked for the long-forgotten weed deal.

He grinned. “Sounds like a plan.”

As she walked around his small living room, eyeing his modest decor with trepidation, Eddie dialed the locally owned pizza shop. After listening to a clearly stoned guy go on his own personal reverie about Hawaiian pizza, he ordered a large pepperoni and hung up. He slowly made his way to where she stood looking at a cheaply framed picture.

“Hey, uh, pepperoni's good, right?”

She nodded slightly, looking far away. He hoped she hadn't gone into an odd trance again.

“What is it?”

“Is that your parents?” she asked, gesturing towards the photo.

He looked at the picture grimly. A young couple stood squinting in the California sun; the man, dark-haired and grinning, had his arm wrapped around an even younger-looking woman's waist. She was looking up at him with something like admiration.

“Yuup, that's the Munsons. Actually I don't think they were technically married yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm in this picture.”

She looked at him quizzically. He pointed towards his mother's midsection and tapped the photo.

“Right there.”

“Oh! So they-”

“That was when they lived in California. He was in his early twenties, and she had just turned nineteen at the time.”

Chrissy grimaced, turning away. “God, I can't even imagine being pregnant that young. Not that-” She spun towards him. “Sorry, not that I'm not happy you're here or anything!”

He laughed then, really laughed. “It's ok, I get it. She was way too young to be getting pregnant or married, or shacking up with an unemployed actor. That's what he wanted to do at that point; he thought he was going to be the next Marlon Brando or something. But what little money they had dried up quick after they had me, and they had to run to Indiana to live with my mom's parents with their tails between their legs.”

She looked up at him dolefully. “It wasn't your fault.”

“Yeah, I know. My dad got work in a canning factory, same one my uncle works at now. After a few years of that, he took off. Said something about how me and my mom had wrecked his life before he even had a change to start it. Who the hell knows where he is now. Maybe one day I'll see him in a fucking John Hughes movie or something.” He bit his lip ruefully.

“My mom couldn't deal with the fact that she had hung all her hopes on this asshole, and so she took it out on me. Nothing physical really, but...” he turned to look at her. “I know all about parents cutting you down and making you feel like nothing. One day in seventh grade, I think it was some 'bring your parents to school' thing...you know, I didn't have anyone. My mom had to find what work she could in town, and I just sat there all day, watching the other kids talk about how loving their moms were or how hard-working their dads were, and I just...at some point during the day, I started crying. And I didn't stop.” He looked up again at the picture, blinking back tears and breathing heavily.

“After a while I got called into the principal's office, and the counselor asked me if everything was okay at home. Well, obviously it wasn't. Even the podunk administration could see that. So we had a meeting, me and my mom and the principal and the counselor, and they suggested maybe there was a relative I could stay with while my mom 'got back on her feet'. She said that her brother could take care of me for a little bit, and then that little bit turned into seven years.”

“She moved to some hippie commune in Nevada and never looked back. Honestly, she was ecstatic to get rid of me. I tried to write her a few letters, but, uh, they came back as undelivered, so...c'est la vie, mother dear.”

“Jesus, Eddie,” she said, turning towards him with her brows furrowed. He shrugged in response, as if to say it was water under the bridge. She turned back towards the picture.

“I mean...you look a lot like your dad. And you have some of your mom's features, too, your eyes are kind of soft like hers.” She glanced at him and turned quickly away, blushing a bit. “But everything else is you, Eddie. I don't see you running away or abandoning someone who depends on you; I don't think you could be that selfish.”

He smiled, looking at her. “You barely know me, Chris.”

“Well, you've spent all day selflessly dealing with my shit, and you invited me into your home and everything.”

He scoffed. “Well, yeah, you know, the president swung by earlier, but he had to leave. It was just too ornate, he said. Too big and too fancy. It was too intimidating for him.”

She grinned up at him, bemused. “But this place is yours.”

“Yeah, so? It's a...fucking shack in a shithole town in the middle of nowhere.”

She looked down at her shoes. “I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it doesn't matter where you come from, or even where you are at any given moment, necessarily. It doesn't matter if your parents were assholes or if all you have in the fridge is fucking old olives.” She looked straight through him. “There's just something about you. You're kind, even though people haven't been kind to you. You could have told me to leave you alone a hundred times today, you know? I feel like everyone else in my life only values me if I'm the right kind of person. The right kind of daughter, or girlfriend, or athlete. But I feel like I can be myself with you. Good or bad or scared or hopeless, and you'll be there.”

She sighed, looking down. “I really wish I hadn't been so oblivious this whole time. You know, here you were, being you. Wonderful, sweet, passionate Eddie. I feel like I'm just now finding a lighthouse in the storm that is my life.”

He looked at her, not knowing what to say. “Ah..”

“Sorry! Sorry, that was really intense and...melodramatic. I guess I'm just really grateful for what you've done today.”

“I really haven't done anything special, Chrissy. I mean, obviously you're going through a lot. What kind of asshole wouldn't notice, or care, about being there for you? Anyone would have done the same.”

She shook her head, a thin smile etched onto her face. “Not anyone. No one. No one...in my life has noticed anything's wrong. And it is wrong, it's...I don't even know how to wrap my head around what it is that's so wrong. Just...fucking everything. And you're the only one who even cared. You could have sold me weed and had me out of your life in ten minutes. But you didn't.”

She stepped forward, closing the gap between them once more and wrapping her arms around his slender upper body. She looked up at him expectantly. The seconds ticked by, and she continued to stare with her preposterously icy-blue eyes. Something primal roared within Eddie's chest.

Do it do it kiss her my god she wants this kiss her

But something held him back. He pictured the pep rally where, only a few short hours ago, Jason Carver had called out to Chrissy, marking her as his own in front of the whole school, and she had smiled radiantly at him from across the gym. It wasn't that he thought she belonged to Jason; far from it, she was capable of making her own decisions even in the throes of despair she was currently living through. If she wanted to leave the guy because he was a shithead, by all means she had that right. But Eddie had only had a small handful of what could generously be called romantic encounters in his life. A furtive kiss her and there under the high school bleachers, far away from any prying, judgmental eyes.

No, no self-respecting Hawkins student wanted to be seen fraternizing with Eddie Munson. And Chrissy, whatever she was going through, was clearly looking to him for comfort. He would gladly give it as a friend, would even give her what passed for guidance in the Munson house. But some secret, hurt part of him couldn't get past the notion that, once this was all over, once she got past whatever this was, their encounter would be a scant memory, and she would go running back to the safety of the rich boy with the good family. He didn't hold it against her by any means, but he couldn't quite get past it either. Her face had taken on a confused and slightly hurt look. “Ed-”

A sudden knock sounded on the wooden door, and they jumped apart as if struck by lightning.

“Yo, pizza's here!”

They looked at each other, both lost in their own private miseries, unable to process the reality of the pizza guy at that moment.

Another frantic knock.

“Yo, yo, last call, muchachos!”

He gestured vaguely towards the door. “Do you want to...?”

“Right! I'll be right there, one second!”

She cast one more reproachful look at Eddie and made her way towards the door.

They sat in the dimly lit living room, Eddie in his customary chair and Chrissy occupying Eddie's uncle's much more comfortable barcalounger. On the outdated TV, Bob Barker was advising the latest contestant on The Price is Right on the finer points of spinning the big wheel. Despite the awkwardness the two had found themselves in after the earlier encounter, they had scarfed the pizza together with the reckless abandon of teenagers who still had good metabolism on their side. Eddie glanced over guiltily at Chrissy, who was curled up in the plush chair, her head resting on the arm.

“Do you think this game is rigged?” she asked after a long silence. “Like, someone is backstage controlling what number the person gets when they spin?”

“Maybe,” he said dolefully. “That would be kind of fucked up, though. You wait your whole life for a chance to get on the show and win money to put your stupid kids through college and be the envy of all your housewife friends, then some asshole decides your number is, like, 10. You ride all the way home to bumfuck nowhere in silence with your husband, who you can't stand because you're pretty sure he's boning his hot little secretary, and all you can think about is punching Bob Barker in his stupid, smug little face.”

She giggled freely. “You really paint a picture, Eds.”

The hysterically grinning woman on TV spun the wheel with all her might, and it landed on 30. Not bad, Eddie thought.

Chrissy gazed at Eddie, the bluish light reflecting off his face and making him look ghostly. Had she misread this whole day completely? Was she that arrogant to think any guy would want to kiss her? He had been so nice to her today, so not what she thought he'd be like. Yes, they had had a few outbursts of emotion here and there, but she was sure she was partly to blame as well. They were so different, after all, and she had come to him for help. She had asked so much of him, and he had swallowed his pride and years of hurt and shown himself to be a real friend.

Maybe that was all he wanted to be; he had his reasons, she was sure. Maybe she wasn't his type at all; wasn't it possible he went for dark-haired, grungy goth types like the kind he'd see at the bars he played? God, he must have girls all over him, with his long rocker hair and soulful eyes and dexterous fingers...

Out of the corner of his eye, Eddie could see Chrissy staring. Oh god what am I doing you idiot don't be an idiot so what if she never talks to you again go for it you dumb dick-

Eddie was spared the agony of indecision by the jingle of keys in his front door. His uncle quietly came in and closed it, not sure if Eddie was asleep or not. When he came into the room proper and saw a girl in her cheerleading outfit in his chair, he started in surprise. He tried to dredge up what little he remembered of his school romancing days so as not to embarrass his nephew.

“Hello there, kids. Don't mind me, I'll just grab a beer and head to bed. Long day today, long day tomorrow.”

“Actually, I should probably get going. My mom is definitely wondering where I am. My name's Chrissy, by the way.” She stood up, adjusting her skirt with one hand while extending the other.

“Wayne Munson,” he smiled gruffly at her. “Pleased to meet you, young lady.”

Eddie waggled his fingers at his uncle. “Hey, Pops. How was the old factory?”

“Oh, you know, just threw on my finest suit and had lunch with the president of the company. They're gonna make me an exec any day now.” He winked at Eddie.

Eddie stood up, groaning with fullness and languor. “Come on, Chris.”

The two walked outside, Eddie closing the door behind him. Chrissy stood, twisting her hands together with the old anxiety. His eyes flicked down to her hands; he frowned slightly but said nothing.

“Well, I better start before it gets too late,” she said, gesturing behind her at the dark street.

Eddie scoffed. “What, are you going to walk? It's at least a couple of miles.”

“Yeah, I'm fine. With all the pizza and ice cream I think I'd better get some cardio in before everything fully digests.”

“Ok, not that I'm not in full support of a fitness regimen, but it's pretty dark out. And it's like 10:30.”

“Eddie, I'm fine, really.”

He could see a touch of stubbornness around her eyes that hadn't been there earlier today. Maybe she was still a little miffed that he hadn't returned her affectionate gesture. He bit his lip; it was late and she was trying his patience. He tried to see it from her point of view. She had spilled her guts out to someone she hadn't spoken to in years, basically a stranger. He had given every indication that he was someone to be trusted, someone she could be open and intimate with. Maybe she even thought him attractive; why wouldn't she put everything together and assume he wanted the same thing? The only reason he hadn't was his own sense of pride, really. He wondered again how she would respond if he just took that one last step forward, if he wrapped his hands around her warm body and took her mouth in his. God, he wanted nothing more in that moment. She stood looking up at him still.

He sighed and pushed his complicated feelings aside, noting to himself that she wasn't the only stubborn one in this pairing. “I will not be able to sleep tonight knowing that you're walking around alone in the dark. That's how girls get Bundy'd, you know.”

She huffed a laugh. “You know, it's kind of bullshit. Guys can walk around at night without any fear, but just because I'm a girl, I have to be carried home like a fragile little...thing.”

Eddie rubbed his long-fingered hands over his face, breathing deeply. “I one-hundred percent agree with you. We can definitely talk about the finer points of feminist theory in the morning, but for right now, will you please get in the van?”

“Now you sound like Ted Bundy.”

He laughed hard, feeling his tension melt away. God, she was something.

Smiling again at the fact she had made him laugh, she went to his van, Eddie trailing behind.

If you're lost you can look and you will find me

Time after time

Cyndi Lauper's soulful voice filled the cabin of the van; as they pulled to a stop at a red light, Eddie's fingers drummed the rhythm of the song on the steering wheel.

Chrissy smiled. “You know you can change this to like, Def Leppard or something. Really, I don't mind.”

He looked askance at her. “Hey, just because I have the hair, and the rings, and the tattoos, and the ripped jeans...okay, I see where you're coming from. I do sort of fit the image, don't I? But I am a multi-faceted person, Chris, make no mistake.”

“Yeah, I gathered that.”

Their easy camaraderie had come back during the ride to Chrissy's house, much to her relief. Chrissy didn't think she could take Eddie being mad at her or feeling weird around her. She needed him, and once she was over whatever she was going through, she would do everything she could to return the favor. She would go out of her way to publicly befriend him, to show the rest of the kids he wasn't so bad and scary. She could see him being very popular once people got to know him. And if he didn't want that, if he wanted to stay in his own little world of guitar solos and late night shows, well she would support that too.

“Where did you say your band played again?”

“The Hideout.” He half-rolled his eyes. “Shitty little bar up on 4th and Main. I'm trying to convince the owner to bring us on as the “official entertainment”. Then, who knows, we might even get paid in something besides old beer.”

“I'm looking forward to it.”

He smiled and glanced at her, his eyes a little soft. He was so focused on the pleasant twisting in his gut at the thought of her in the audience that he almost missed the turn into her culdesac.

“Oh! I'm right here!”

He swung a hard left and skidded up to the driveway; a dog awoke in one of the nearby houses and started barking an alarm.

“Thank you for traveling Eddie Airlines,” he said in a cheesy announcer voice. “If you need to hurl, please use our designated paper bags. And by the way, your luggage has definitely been dropped in the ocean, so sorry.”

She laughed, playfully hitting him in the arm.

“Do you want me to walk you to the door?”

“No, I can walk a few feet unaccompanied, I promise.”

“Ok, I just...” He faltered, hesitating. He didn't want to spoil the light mood they had regained, but he didn't feel quite right just sending her on her way. “I worry about you, Chris. Like, I know this has been a bitch of a day, and you're going through stuff. And not that you're not strong. I feel like you must be, to go through the things you do. I feel like I don't even know the half of it, honestly.”

She pursed her lips and nodded slightly. “Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to dump everything on you all at once. Maybe today was just about getting...reacquainted? It's been such a long time since we knew each other. Even back then, stupid me didn't take the time to get to know you that well. And I'm sorry if I made you angry or did anything to make you feel weird today.”

He shook his head emphatically. “No, if anything it's me. I've never-”

Chrissy gasped suddenly; Eddie swiveled his head to see her porch lights had been turned on.

“Shit, I have to go. My mom's going to kill me for being out so late.”

Before he knew it, she had wrapped him in a tight hug. Her body pressed against his made him feel a little faint. Then, just as quickly, she pulled away and slid out of her seat. She started towards her door at a light jog.

“Chris!” he hissed.

“What?” she said, turning.

“Can we talk more tomorrow? About everything?”

“Yes, I promise.” She reached through the open window and grasped his hand for a fleeting moment. Then she was off again like a shot. He peeled out as quietly as he could, making his way to the main road. After a few minutes he pulled into a mostly-empty gas station lot. He sat for a few minutes with his head resting on the steering wheel, trying to get his bearings. The gas-station attendant, a chipper mid-20s man named Dave, came out to the parking lot and surveyed Eddie.

“Hey, man, rough night?”

Eddie grunted in response.

“Too much vino?”

Eddie shook his head, not lifting it from the wheel.

“Woman stuff?”

After a slight pause, Eddie nodded.

Dave clicked his tongue sympathetically. I know how you feel, man. Blue slushie?”

Eddie lifted his head at last and peered up at Dave at an angle. “Put it on my tab, amigo.”

The next day dawned with an unseasonable warmth; November mornings usually brought at least a light dusting of snow on the ground. Chrissy awoke blearily, her mother's excessive lecturing from the previous night still ringing in her ears. What was she thinking getting home so late, did she know how worried her mother had been all night, this town has all kind of riff-raff around to snatch you up

Chrissy sat on the edge of her bed and couldn't stop a smile from sneaking onto her face. She guessed that the person she had spent the previous day with would count as riff-raff in her mother's estimation. She honestly couldn't care less, however; she felt more empowered and sure of herself than she had in ages. She actually felt like she was her own person and not just an extension of what everyone wanted and needed her to be. If that was how Eddie Munson made her feel, she had every intention of going straight to Jason's locker and breaking up with him once she got to school. Except...Eddie hadn't kissed her. Chrissy frowned. She had expected him to when they hugged outside of the Dairy Queen; when he didn't, she thought maybe he was just shy or taken aback. She was sure he would later on when they were together in his trailer. Her thoughts turned back to last night.

She felt almost certain that he liked her; there was something in his brown eyes that betrayed a longing, the same as she felt for him. What was holding him back exactly? She was determined to talk to him today, to suss out exactly what was going on between him so there was no misunderstanding. Her own problems felt a million miles away at that moment; the last thing she wanted to think about was her headaches and visions. Besides, as long as Eddie was around, she didn't think she had to worry about any of that stuff anymore.

“Chrissy!,” her mother shrieked from the ground floor. “You'd better be up and doing your calisthenics routine, young lady! Just because you were doing god knows what last night doesn't mean you can be lazy today!”

Chrissy sighed with aggravation and began to pull on her workout clothes.

Mike and Dustin sat next to Eddie in the lunchroom, talking rapturously about the D&D campaign they had just finished the previous weekend. Normally he would be basking in the praise and plotting for the next phase, but right now he felt a million miles away. He had had a vision that morning that Chrissy would be waiting for him at his locker with her girlish smile and coaxing eyes. But he hadn't seen her all day, even though their lockers were fairly close to each other. Was she avoiding him? Was she embarrassed about all the things she'd told him, or was her plan all along just to use him as a dumping ground for the stuff she couldn't tell her boyfriend?

He scolded himself, knowing he was being shitty. He was the one who hadn't returned her clear signals even though he'd wanted to. He did genuinely care about Chrissy, but he seemed to keep getting caught up in his old petty, middle school hurt. He scanned the lunchroom, not seeing Chrissy or Jason, even at the basketball players' usual table. He had a horrible image of the two of them under the bleachers, Chrissy giggling as Jason kissed her ears and neck. Eddie stood up suddenly, making the other members of the Hellfire club look up with concern.

“I, uh, I'll be right back,” he said, striding quickly away before they had a chance to ask follow up questions. He walked, not sure where he was even going. Fuck fuck fuck Jason Carver and his stupid basketball team I hope they get into a bus crash

Eddie wound up at his locker, not knowing what he was hoping for. If there was nothing from Chrissy, he could chalk yesterday up to a vivid acid hallucination and leave it at that. He could forget about all the preppy kids from the right side of town who had everything going for them, just like they would forget about the scary drug dealer from the trailer park.

If there was something, though...

He slowly opened the locker, gritting his teeth. He didn't bother with a lock as he had nothing valuable worth taking, which had occasionally resulted in someone leaving mud or an old sneaker in his locker out of spite. This time, though, a neatly folded piece of paper fell out and floated to the ground. He scrambled to pick it up before some idiot stepped on it; he unfolded it and read

Hey Eds

If you're free today, meet me at Top Shelf Records at 4:00.

Chrissy~

He slid to the ground with his back against the lockers, feeling a little dazed. Brian, one of the less douchey seniors who he had sold weed to, walked past and gave him a sympathetic nod.

“Having a bad trip, Ed?”

“Yeah,” he said breathlessly, grinning despite himself. “Something like that.”

“You looking for something special?”

Chrissy glanced up at the record store employee, who looked like he hadn't showered in days. He also seemed to be in his mid-30s, which made the slightly lecherous smile on his face that much weirder. She gave him a quick, tight smile. “Just, um...waiting for someone.” She checked her watch, a thin, white-gold piece she had gotten for her 18th birthday that year. 4:03 PM. Thankfully, she saw Eddie's familiar frame approaching her in the corner of her eye; she nearly ran to him and threw her arms around him, both happy to see him and glad she wasn't alone in the store with a weirdo.

“Hey, you,” she breathed into his ear. Eddie returned her hug, whispering back, “Hey, kiddo.”

She scoffed and broke away from him, squaring her hands on her hips, trying to look older. He tousled her hair playfully and winked. She whirled away from him, giggling. “Come on, old man, help me find a good record. I need to spend my allowance money before I cave and buy more junk food.”

“An allowance, huh?” he said teasingly.

“Mm-hm,” she intoned, probably not wanting to get into a discussion/argument about how she got spending money from her parents.

“So I guess you got an earful from your mom about yesterday?”

“Just like I thought, she was more upset about me eating than staying out late. It was like she knew somehow, she's like a bloodhound. But oh my god I forgot how good pizza is.”

He nodded sagely. “No one should live without pizza. Or...” he took a record from the nearest pile and held it close to his chest. “Queen.”

Chrissy looked at the record cover; it showed the four band members looking straight ahead, all wearing leather jackets similar to Eddie's. She laughed, pointing to the man on the right side of the picture. “That one kind of looks like you.”

“Brian May, one of the greatest guitarists of all time? Please, I don't even deserve to be spoken of in the same sentence.”

Chrissy grinned. “Yeah, I've heard of Queen. I haven't listened to much of their newer stuff, but they have a few songs I like. That one from a few years ago, I forget the name.” She began to hum a familiar melody line. Eddie softly sang along, knowing the lyrics by heart.

“You take my body, I give you heat. You say you hungry, I give you meat.”

“Oh my god,” Chrissy laughed, blushing with embarrassment. Even Eddie turned a little red, covering his face with his long hair. “Yeah, it's not very subtle.”

“What's that one called again?”

“Uhh...Get Down, Make Love.”

Chrissy blushed harder and turned away, clearing her throat. “Is there anything a little less risque? I think if my parents heard that song they'd shit.”

Eddie scanned the record boxes nearest him. “Hmm..oh, here we go.” He held up a vinyl of Rod Stewart's latest album. “The least sexy man in the music industry.”

She threw her eyebrows up. “Speak for yourself.”

“Come on, his stuff is so cheesy.” He broke into a bad rendition of “Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?” complete with Rod's signature shoulder shimmy.

She rolled her eyes at him, grinning. “Yeah, like 'I give you meat' is so erotic.”

“Ok, miss high culture, what's the most romantic album in this place?”

Chrissy looked around, then gasped. She ran over to the other side of the store and came back with Fleetwood Mac's Rumors.

“You're kidding?”

“What? You don't like it?”

“No, I love it. Obviously it's one of the best albums of all time. But it's literally about a breakup. As in, the lyrical content and the actual creation behind it. It's the opposite of romantic.”

“Hm, I guess.” She turned the album over, looking through the song list. “The way I see it, Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham broke up when they were making the album, right? So all that pain and love and betrayal, it had to go somewhere. Instead of just sitting there being mad at each other forever, they put it into the music. Every song is like pure, raw emotion. And maybe it isn't romantic in a positive way, but it still came from that place where you feel for the other person. I feel like loving and hating someone are two sides of the same coin. It's only when you're indifferent to someone that you know they mean nothing to you.”

“Yeah, I get it,” he said, sounding pensive. “But sometimes being with someone who doesn't drive you nuts is the best-case scenario. You're not up all night wondering what you mean to them, or what they mean to you.”

She fixed him with a long look, grinning from the corner of her mouth. “What would you know about it?” she asked playfully.

He scoffed. “Are you implying I know nothing about relationships?”

“Have you been in one?”

He wanted to protest further, but he remembered he'd already told her about being a virgin. He threw up his hands in defeat. “Ok, you got me there. Still...” He rubbed at one of his rings with his thumb, an old, anxious habit he'd tried and failed to break. “There's nothing worse than wanting to be with someone but not really knowing where you stand with them.”

“That's part of the fun, Eddie,” she said coyly. She started to walk up to the register to pay for the record; after a few seconds, she turned to find him standing in the same spot. He looked almost hurt. She sighed and marched back to him.

“You want to know where I stand, Eddie?” she said with exasperation.

“Yeah, actually,” he bit back.

“Ok, fine. I really like you. I'm sorry that we haven't talked in years, and I'm sorry that I didn't see you at my stupid birthday party that I hated being at, and I'm sorry I didn't bring you a goddamn rose when your band played. I was a stupid kid who didn't know any better. But now, I'm here, and you're here, and I feel like there's something between us. And you keep pulling away from it, and it's frustrating and confusing.” She searched his stony face. “What is it? What did I do wrong? Can't you forgive me for not seeing you all this time? Please?”

“It's not that, Chris. I just feel like you don't really want to be with me. I don't come from a nice, well-off family...I don't have a future! You're just going to get me out of your system, and then run back to where it's safe. All I'll ever be to you is the weird kid who you hooked up with in high school on a stupid whim, because you were feeling reckless and lost and didn't know what else to do. And you'll tell Jason, and he'll forgive you because he's such a great guy, and you can go back to your nice little life full of PTA meetings and pep rallys.”

Their voices were loud enough that other people in the store could hear them arguing, but Chrissy didn't really care.

“Fuck Jason Carver! I broke up with him during lunch.”

Eddie stepped back in shock. “Wait, really?”

“Yes. I told him that we have nothing in common and he didn't really know me. Then he called me a bitch and said I must be fucking half the basketball team behind his back.”

Eddie flushed with anger. “What the fuck?”

Chrissy shook her head. “Forget it, this isn't about him. I thought a lot about what you said last night. You were right, I shouldn't be with someone just because I'm afraid to be alone, or because I'm not sure what my future's going to look like. My grades should be good enough to get at least a partial scholarship to state school, and if I work hard I'll never have to see my parents again after this year.”

“Jesus, Chrissy, is it really that bad with them?”

She nodded, brushing away tears. “Yeah.”

He looked contritely at her. “Hey, I'm sorry for making this all about me. I was just holding on to some old bullshit wound from a hundred years ago, and here you are dealing with awful fucking people every day.” He embraced her, hoping she would forgive him.

She held him tightly against her. “I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't worth anything. It was stupid of me to try so hard to be a part of the right crowd. I just wanted to make my parents happy with me.” She shook her head in disgust. “Why did I try so hard to make them like me, Eddie? They're my parents. Shouldn't they love me no matter what?”

“Yeah,” he said huskily, nestling his head into her neck. “In a perfect world.”

“Oh, god, I'm sorry,” she said, pulling away. “Your parents-”

“Are shitty, and they left me. Your parents are shitty, and they're still around. If anything, I'm the lucky one.”

Chrissy laughed, relieved they had finally worked out the unspoken tension between them. A beam of sunlight fell on Eddie's long hair from a high window, making the dark curls look almost golden. She felt her stomach twist in a pleasant knot. He noticed her staring and felt his own butterflies.

“You good?”

“Mm-hm,” she said dreamily.

“So what's it going to be?” he asked, holding up the records they had discussed. “The doomed but ultimately compelling love affair of Fleetwood Mac? Or the sheer, raw rock power of Freddie and the gang?”

She shook her head. “I already have Rumors. And Queen is good, but...” She turned and picked up the Rod Stewart record. “He's my guy.”

Eddie laughed, shaking his head. “All right, it's your allowance.” He took it from her, looking it over curiously. “Is he your favorite singer?”

“Second favorite.”

“And the first is?”

“Eddie Munson.”

He blushed. “You've never even heard me play.”

“Not true,” she said, pulling on his sleeve to steer him to the register. “Remember, Corroded Coffin?”

“Oh god,” he said in mock anger. “Will I ever be free of my middle school shame?”

“Not as long as I'm around to remind you.”

They made their way to the back of the line and Eddie slid an arm around her waist as they waited. In response, she rested her head on his shoulder. Behind them, a young, dark-haired man hurried out of the store with his hands in the pockets of his letterman jacket.

“Wait, you don't actually have a record player?”

They stood in Eddie's sparse bedroom, the Rod Stewart record clutched protectively in Chrissy's hands.

Eddie shrugged and pulled out the pockets of his ripped jeans, showing they were empty apart from an old gum wrapper. “No, sorry. Had to sell it a few months ago when no one was buying from me.” He made a pouty face at her, pushing his lower lip out and getting on his knees. “Forgive me?”

Chrissy laughed, placing her hand delicately under his chin. He looked up at her and the sight of him there nearly took her breath away. She, however, was determined to keep her composure around him and not act like the inexperienced schoolgirl she was. “Fine, I guess Rod will have to wait.”

“Yes!” he pumped his fist in the air and stood up.

“You sure you don't have one? Maybe you just don't want to listen to this one in particular,” she said teasingly.

“Actually,” he said, crossing his arms and bouncing over to his desk, “I'm saving up for a cassette player. Those are more in these days, anyways. In a few years I bet they won't even make vinyl records anymore.” He reached into his bottom drawer and pulled out a metal box.

“What's that?”

He sat on his bed and put the box in his lap; looking up at her, he said “Literally everything I have in the world.” He brandished his keyring and unlocked the box; inside was a slight wad of cash and a few old concert tickets. He pulled it out and thumbed through it. “About $80. Hopefully if they don't cut any of my uncle's hours this week I can hang onto it long enough to actually buy the thing.”

She said nothing, not wanting to be insensitive. She didn't know what it was like to live on such a thin margin, where a little bit of money could be the difference between making it to the next week or not. No wonder Eddie was so defensive about the difference in their lifestyles; she was privileged in terms of this at least.

“Hey, when's your birthday?”

“October 10th.”

“Ah, I just missed it then. Maybe...I can get you a belated present?”

He grinned. “Chris, I don't need you to buy me a cassette player. Really, I can take care of myself.”

She nodded, not wanting to be pushy. Eddie was definitely the type to not just take someone's money; she felt it was still an injustice, though. If she saved her allowance for a few weeks, she could buy the player with plenty to spare.

“How long have you been a dealer?”

He shrugged, looking away and fiddling with the rips in his jeans. “Sophomore year, you know, this guy approached me, said he was about to graduate. He told me I seemed like I could use a steady source of income, and he gave me Reefer Rick's number. That was all it took, really. I call the guy, he hooks me up with what I need, and I sell to the local kiddies. It was actually a blessing, because the money's saved me and my uncle's ass more than once. You know, I eat food and guzzle gas same as the rich kids, and he never planned to raise a kid until I showed up on his doorstep like Oliver fucking Twist.”

“Do you ever think about leaving?”

“What, and move out to Hollywood like my old man? Try to make it big?”

“Or, you know, be a musician.” She gestured to the guitar on his wall. “New York's not that far from Hawkins.”

“Yeah, and about a thousand times more expensive. I can barely scrape by here, you know? How am I going to make it out there with a million other people trying to do the same thing?”

“I'm sorry,” she said, looking down. “I'm not trying...I just don't want you to be stuck here.”

He smiled, leaning backwards on his bed until his shirt rode up. “Already planning my future, eh? Figured you were that type.”

“Well, you know, I don't want to be stuck here either.” She tried to keep her voice level but her eyes flicked to his exposed lower half.

“And what does the intelligent and beautiful Chrissy Cunningham want to do with her life?” he asked, drumming his long fingers on his upper chest rhythmically.

“Um, I'm not totally sure yet. Maybe I could be a vet? I really love animals. But, you know, you have to take all the pre-reqs first, like Psych and World Studies and all that. I can figure it out while I'm doing all that.”

“Hm.”

Chrissy stood with her hands behind her back, rocking back and forth on her heels; she couldn't see Eddie's face with the angle he was laying in, so she wasn't sure if he was being moody or just contemplative. She decided to risk it anyways.

“Do you...have any plans for college?”

“Chris, I don't know if you've noticed but I haven't even finished high school. This is my third go at passing senior year.”

Right, she knew that. “How come?” she blurted out, instantly regretting it. “I mean, I feel like you're smart enough to get through all your classes. Maybe it's just an issue of focusing? I can tutor you if you like...”

“No, you're right, I'm start enough to pass all my classes.”

“Then, why-”

“I don't want to graduate.”

Chrissy wasn't sure what to say to that.

“You-”

“I don't want to graduate, because then I'll have to get a real job, probably at the damn canning factory where my uncle works, and then it'll really sink in that I'm just another piece of Munson trash.” He was splayed out now with his arms stretched out, grasping at loose fibers on his bedspread. “You know, at school, people look up to me in the D&D group, I have people to play with in the band, I have customers coming to me for shit all the time. You know, why give all that up for some shitty job I'll spend the rest of my life at anyways? I just want to...you know, be a kid for a little longer. To have some hope. Once it's done, I'll know for sure that that's it.”

Chrissy was taken aback; he had chided her for being afraid of taking a risk and going it alone, but here he was not even wanting to move on from high school.

“It sounds like...nothing, forget it.” She shook her head and sighed.

“What? What does it sound like?”

He sat up now, leaning on his hands. He was looking at her, not with anger or hurt but genuine curiosity.

“It...sounds like you're afraid,” she choked out. She looked at him, eyes wide, hoping she hadn't touched another nerve.

“Yeah,” he said simply. “I am.”

She was relieved and pressed on.

“Maybe it doesn't have to be that way? You can go to community college, you know? They have all kind of scholarships-”

“You sound like my counselor. You know, the one they have everyone talk to about 'their future'.” He disdainfully acted out the phrase in air quotes. “She said my options for scholarships are sports, academics, or being really fucking poor. I'm obviously not into sports and I've failed senior year more than once so I don't think an academic scholarship is going to work out. And the scholarships they have for poor kids are pretty few and far between. I think I'd rather that money go to someone who really deserves it.”

“You don't think you deserve it?”

He shrugged. “What, am I going to be a doctor? A lawyer? Am I going to write a dissertation on zoological morphology?”

She made a face, giggling.

“Yeah, I can read, believe it or not,” he said, smiling. “I get it, you know. Technically I have 'options' but I just can't see myself really going for all that. For you, you know, it's different. I'm sure you'll find something you're passionate about and be fucking great at it. And you can come visit me, you know, like an old cheetah past it's prime at the zoo.”

“Oh my god, Eddie.”

“Can we be done with this conversation, please?” he looked at her pleadingly.

“Yes, we don't need to talk about this now-”

“Or ever.”

She walked over to his guitar which obviously held a place of honor in the room. “How long have you been playing? Was Corroded Coffin your first big foray into the music industry?”

He sauntered over and plucked at the strings in quick succession, playing a tune. “Yeah, pretty much since I moved in with my uncle. He actually got me this as a welcome present. That's when I knew it was me and him against the world. He used to play in a band when he was in high school.”

“I've always wanted to learn.”

“Acoustic or electric?”

“What, you don't think girls can rock out?”

“Please, Barracuda is like one of my favorite songs. You as a rocker, though, I'm not sure I see it.”

“You're very presumptuous, Eddie Munson.”

“Ok,” he said, taking the guitar down and handing it to her. “Show me what you've got.”

“No, I mean, I've never even touched a guitar. I'm mostly...”

“What?”

“Nothing, forget I said anything.”

“Chrissy.”

“Eddie.”

“You're mostly a...” he motioned for her to go on.

“A singer. Like, obviously not professionally. Not even really trained. My parents thought it was stupid so they never let me get lessons. But if I was in a band, I would want to be the singer.”

“Alright, show me what you got, girl.” He sat back on the bed, crossing his legs and getting his guitar into position.

“Oh, please, Eddie, I'm really not that good.”

He simply motioned again for her to go on; she sighed and scrunched her face up.

“You're a real tough cookie with a long history...of breaking little hearts like the one in me,” she sang quietly, hoping she could get through it without embarrassing herself too much. Eddie quickly got up to speed and started playing along with her.

“That's okay, lets see how you do it, put up your dukes, let's get down to it.” She got more into the rhythm as she sang, even getting into a fighting stance and shaking her hips along to the guitar. As the song reached it's end, she pulled out her scrunchie and shook her hair loose, whipping it in time to the music.

“Fire away!” she sang, stamping her feet to the final lyric and raising her first in the air. Eddie applauded, moving his guitar to the side. “That was awesome, are you kidding me!”

She laughed, flushed and sweaty but beaming. “I think that's the first time I've ever sang in front of anyone.”

He bowed slightly and took her hand, kissing it. “I'm honored.”

Their eyes met as he stood back up.

“Do that again,” Chrissy said quietly.

“What?”

She nodded down to her hand. He laughed but did as he was told. This time, as he bent down, she took his face in her hands. They stood for a moment, Chrissy rubbing her thumb along Eddie's bottom lip.

“If I didn't know any better, I'd say you wanted to kiss me,” Eddie said drolly.

She leaned towards him, eliminating the space between them at last. As they kissed, her hands roamed along his body, finding a spot to settle under his shirt near his middle back.

“Should I take this off?”

She bit her lip and nodded. He tossed his shirt into a nearby pile and made his way to the bed, holding out his hand for her to join him. She clambered into the bed, trying to adjust her skirt so it wouldn't reveal too much. They continued kissing, his mouth soft on hers. Her hands roamed freely along his sparsely hairy chest and thin back. He wrapped his arm around her midsection and soon they rolled into a position where Chrissy could straddle him.

“Is this ok?” he asked.

“Mm-hm,” she muttered, surprised at how comfortable this all felt. When other guys had pushed her boundaries, she had always felt an awful crawling in the pit of her stomach and tried to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Here, looking down at Eddie, with his beautiful brown eyes and soft hair, she felt like she could do this forever.

“What do you like?” she asked. “I mean, I know you haven't had sex but guys talk about this stuff, right?”

“Uh...kind of. I mean, I've never really thought much about it beyond the basics. I want you to be in control here, you know?”

She smiled, feeling a rush of warmth to her midsection. “In control, huh?” She shimmied down a bit to where she could feel his length; she spread her legs and began to move in circles.

“Ohhh, fuck,” he moaned. “That feels really good.”

“I bet it would feel even better if you took your pants off.”

“Jesus, Chrissy,” he laughed hoarsely. “What was this about you being inexperienced?”

She shrugged, smiling confidently. “I'm just stating a fact.”

She climbed off him and stood on the side of the bed. “Please.”

“Don't have to ask me twice.” Eddie slid his jeans off and kicked them to the side. She positioned herself again, rubbing herself against his erect cock through his boxers. She bit her lip; it felt good, but she didn't know if was quite enough. There was too much material between them; she wanted to feel him in her. She doubted he had any condoms, though, and she took the school's paltry safe sex lessons to heart. She settled for sliding off her underwear and throwing them on the ground; still wearing her sweater and skirt, she rubbed herself against him, feeling it throb and leak under her.

“Is this good, Eddie?”

“Ohh yeah,” he said, clearly in a world of his own bliss. She moaned, feeling her own wetness soak through his thin boxers. He was so close to being inside her but also frustratingly far. She wanted his cock fully in her, pounding and filling her. She pictured them both naked, her leaning against a dresser as he stood and fucked deep into her. The image and the friction between them sent her over the edge; she moaned loudly and gripped Eddie's hips, rubbing faster and harder until she was spent. She climbed off of him and lay next to him, catching her breath.

“Holy shit that was awesome,” he gasped, laughing delightedly. “You are something else, Cunningham.”

She rolled over to face him, grinning. “Do you need to, you know, finish?”

“Is that okay?”

She nodded, wanting to see what it was like for him. He pushed down his boxers and gripped his swollen cock, jerking his hand along the shift and rubbing the tip with his thumb. She ran her fingers through his hair as he brought himself to orgasm, kissing along his collarbone. The sound of his moans made her shiver; she wanted to make him sound like that as much as possible. As he finished, she felt herself wanting to come again. He stood up to clean himself off in the bathroom; she pushed up her skirt and began to rub herself quickly. Eddie came back and felt himself flush deeply at the sight of Chrissy, still in her cheerleader uniform, sans underwear, rubbing her soaking clit in his bed.

He cleared his throat. “May I?” She nodded. He kneeled in front of her and took her legs in his hands. She wrapped them around his neck and he began to lap at her, fingering her as he did so.

“Oh, god, Eddie, yes.” She didn't know it could feel this good, didn't understand why all the other girls wanted to give up their virginities to their boyfriends on homecoming or prom night. She had never been that interested in boys or sex, mostly dating Jason because of what he could provide for her. They had kissed and gotten to second base, sure, but nothing like this, nothing so wanton and incredible could ever happen with anyone but Eddie. Beautiful, sweet Eddie, who a few days before had been no one to her. She couldn't believe she had ever been with anyone but him, had wasted most of their high school years that could have been spent together. She wanted nothing but him, felt like she could fall in love as he licked deeply into her. He was what she had wanted all her life but had been too blind to see, too caught up in what other people thought. As he grasped her thighs in his hands and pushed his face into her, she felt overcome with love and bliss and relief. She came, nearly sobbing, rubbing herself on his nose and lips and chin and grasping his hair.

He gave her clit one final kiss as he slid up to face her, face soaked and grinning. “Hi.”

“Hi,” she laughed, kissing him, tasting herself on his tongue.

They lay together, kissing and holding each other until Eddie's stomach grumbled.

“You hungry?”

“Must be. I think I forgot to have dinner. You must be hungry too.”

She shrugged. “I could eat.”

“Ok, I'm going to see what I can scrounge up.” He threw his jeans back on and rummaged through his drawer until he found a soft cotton shirt with the Led Zeppelin logo. He turned to her. “Do you want to change? Or...do you need to go? I mean, it's pretty early but I don't want to get you in trouble.”

“I love you.”

He turned to face her, looking puzzled. “What?”

“I love you.” She hugged her knees and looked at him with desperation. “I know it's only been a couple of days, but I really do, Eddie.”

He held the shirt in one hand, still unsure how to respond. “Maybe it's just the post-orgasm hormones. You know, they cause like, feelings of bonding and closeness and all that.”

“Eddie,” she gasped, looking close to tears.

“Ok, sorry.” He climbed back into bed, moving towards her on his knees. “Are you sure?”

“Yes! I've never felt this way about anyone, and everything I learn about you makes me love you more.”

He shimmied closer until his head was laying on her stomach; he stroked the inside of her thigh with his fingers. “I'm not, you know...not anyone to fall in love with. I mean, no one's ever said that to me so I figured I wasn't the falling-in-love with type. It's not like I have-”

“Eddie, please, none of that stuff matters to me. I love you, not the money you might make or the things you might do. I want you in my life, no matter what.”

“So, even if I end up working at the canning factory and selling dope to teenagers and living in a trailer park in Hawkins for the rest of my life, you'll love me?”

He turned to face her, trying to look serious but finding himself getting lost in her blue eyes. No one had ever looked at him that way, like he was worth something. Certainly no one as incredible as her.

She nodded, eyes glistening. He moved his body towards her for a kiss when they heard a sudden banging knock on the trailer door. Instantly, fear shot through Chrissy and she felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach.

“What the fuck?” Eddie asked, looking towards the living room. As the banging continued, Eddie threw on his shirt and made his way to the door. “Hang on a second. Don't move from there, okay?”

She looked up at him, clearly terrified. He shot her a quick grin. “It's probably nothing, Chris. Just someone looking for a fix or something.” He realized too late that it probably wasn't a comforting thought to share with her, but he squared his shoulders and strode towards the door, trying to look imposing.

Chrissy quickly grabbed her underwear and slid them on, knowing with every fiber of her being that it wasn't a junkie or anything else. She wanted to make her body move, to flee out the back door before it was too late, but she was too petrified to do anything but sit, shaking and trying not to sob. Her worst fears were realized when she heard her mother's strident voice echoing through the small living room.

“Where is my daughter, you goddamn delinquent?”

“Whoa, hang on, you can't just come in here and start demanding shit!” Eddie bit back, but it was no use. Chrissy forced herself to move her legs and walk out of the bedroom, where just a few minutes ago she had been in the throes of the greatest happiness of her life. Every muscle felt like it had turned to stone, but she kept going; she couldn't make Eddie face this alone. By the time she got to the living room, her mother, Laura Cunningham, was in Eddie's face, yelling about how she was going to call the cops if he didn't hand her over.

“Chrissy!” her mother shouted upon seeing her walk towards them. “What the hell have you been doing here?”

She knew she must look a sight, with her makeup smeared across her face and hair disheveled. There was really no getting around it; anyone could tell just from seeing her what they'd been up to.

“Mom, I'm...this is Eddie,” she mumbled, gesturing pitifully towards him. “We were...I mean, we kind of-”

Laura held up her hand. “I don't want to hear the details, young lady. Jason told me all about it.”

Chrissy's face scrunched up in disgust and confusion. “Jason?”

“One of his friends on the basketball team saw the two of you in the record shop today, all over each other. You disgust me, you little bitch,” she spat venomously.

Chrissy felt the familiar twisting in her gut that always accompanied her mother's verbal abuse. She glanced at Eddie, who seemed too stunned to speak. She shook her head slightly at him; no good could come from him trying to act the hero and stand up for her.

“Mom, Jason and I broke up today. I didn't love him, alright? He just wasn't right for me.”

“And this is what you choose instead?” She looked Eddie up and down as if he were a particularly disgusting bug in her morning coffee. “Chrissy, I can't believe you'd do something like this. Jason was a good boy, he had-”

“A future?” Chrissy spat back, feeling brave enough to speak for herself for the first time in years. “Mom, that doesn't matter to me. I can take care of myself, I don't need to tie myself to some rich asshole like you did with Dad.”

Laura scoffed. “A rich asshole? My god, what would your father think if he heard you talking about him like that? He has done nothing but try to give you a good life, the life I would have killed for when I was your age.”

“Do you really love him, mom? Did you ever, even for a little bit? Or did you just use him for his money and then make him feel like he was too worthless to get out, the same way you do to me?”

Her mother shook her head, laughing spitefully. “I don't know what this degenerate lowlife has put in your head, Chrissy, but I'm going to set you right. Just like when you were a little girl, remember?”

“You want to hit me again, mom? Go ahead. This time instead of hiding my arms with long sleeves all summer I'll go to the police and put you where you belong,” Chrissy responded calmly. She didn't know where her bravery was coming from; she had never stood up to her mother like this.

“You hit her?” Eddie asked, turning to Chrissy's mother disgustedly. “Your own fucking daughter?”

She turned towards him; even though she was a full foot shorter, she stood imposingly facing him down. “Eddie Munson, do I have that right? Oh, I know all about you, young man. You walk around that school full of innocent kids and terrify them with your Satanic antics, you push drugs on them because they don't know any better. Your parents abandoned you with your white trash uncle a few years ago, right?”

Eddie flushed but said nothing, standing in front of her with his arms crossed. Her mother chuckled spitefully. “I bet they knew what kind of boy you'd grow up to be.” She looked him over once more and suddenly turned to grab at her daughter. Chrissy jumped instinctually away; her mother lunged towards her again and wrapped her hand tightly around her daughter's arm.

“Mom, stop, let go of me!”

Eddie tried to step between them. “Hey, you have no right to do this! Your daughter's eighteen years old, and if she wants to be here-”

Laura turned towards him again, eyes blazing. “Let me explain something to you because clearly you're even stupider than you look. You deal drugs at Hawkins High, right? I bet if I walked around this shabby little shack I could find proof in a matter of minutes. Then I'll call the police and tell them my poor, sweet daughter has been led astray by the local trash, and they'll throw you and your uncle in prison.”

“He's got nothing to do with this! And while you're talking to the cops, lady, you can tell them you forced yourself into my home and tried to kidnap someone!”

She laughed. “Kidnap? This is my daughter, dear. All I'm doing is trying to take her home where she belongs, away from the local scum. And I don't know where you live, because it certainly isn't the real world. You really think the police in this town care about people like you over people like me? We donate to the police fundraiser every year; my husband plays golf with the chief. Who the hell are you to talk to me like that?”

“That's enough, mom.” Chrissy had wrenched herself away from her mother's tight grip and stood with her arms around her waist. “I'm not going to let you talk to him like that anymore.”

Laura smiled smugly. “And what are you going to do about it, Chrissy dear?”

Chrissy looked up at Eddie, trying to convey with her eyes just how sorry she was that she'd brought this on him. Her mother would never let up if she kept fighting; for now, she steeled herself for what she had to do. She walked straight ahead and out the door, looking down at the ground and trying not to let out the wail of pain that was building in her chest. When she got to the door of her mother's car, she gave one last look to Eddie, who was standing in the doorway incredulously. I'm sorry, she mouthed, knowing it would never be enough to make up for what had just happened. Her mother strode towards the car quickly, snapping at her to get in and put her seatbelt on. She got into the car and, as a small act of defiance, pulled her legs up onto the seat and wrapped her arms around her knees. Her mother hated when she put her shoes on her nice, clean car seats, but after the war she had just won, she doubted it would matter.

Eddie stood in the doorway shivering with cold and misery, feeling like his insides were disintegrating. Why had he just stood there and taken all that abuse, why had he let her talk to Chrissy like that? He didn't know if it was the way she'd barged into his home like a raging bull, or the shock of hearing such vitriol from such a small woman. He didn't think anyone could talk to their own child that way; even at their worst, his parents were neglectful and dismissive, not openly hateful like Chrissy's mother. The sound of the car pulling away broke him from his trance; he caught one last look at Chrissy's face before it drove away. She looked worse than miserable; she looked downright numb. A rush of feelings came back to him at once, and he started to chase after the car, not caring that it was already nearly fifty yards ahead of him, not caring about how stupid he must look running after a moving vehicle.

“Chrissy!” he shouted, trying desperately to catch up but knowing it was hopeless. “Wait, please!”

“Good lord, what an idiot,” her mother muttered, seeing him come after them in the rearview mirror. Chrissy turned to look out the back window; by the time she saw him, her mother had sped up and left him choking in a dust cloud. Eddie fell to his knees and pounded the ground, feeling like something irrevocable had just happened. “God!” he growled, sobbing like he hadn't since he was a small boy who couldn't understand why his parents would leave him. Back then, he was powerless to do anything about it, but here... His mind raced with a million things he could have done differently. He'd always thought he was the type to protect and care for the people he loved, but when it came time to prove it, he had just stood and gawked and let it happen. And he did love her; he thought about how she had opened herself to him, had expressed her feelings. Instead of saying it back to her, he had gone on the same old tirade about how inherently worthless he was; now, he wondered if he would ever have a chance to tell her he felt the same.

God, poor Chrissy.

He stood up shakily, dusting himself off and wiping the tears from his face. He wouldn't let it go down like this; she was too wonderful to be locked away with an abusive monster like that. He made his way back to his trailer; as the sun finally set and the cold fully set in, a mantra repeated rhythmically in his head. He hoped that, in some mystical, true-love fashion, it was able to make it's way to Chrissy.

Hold on for just a little longer

I'm coming back for you

Chrissy's father sat in their ornate living room, drinking a glass of top-shelf scotch and watching the evening news. When he heard their front door slam and the sounds of his wife berating their daughter filled the house, he sighed grimly and sunk into his chair, hoping she wouldn't make him a part of this. He didn't think there was anything wrong with their daughter dating someone who wasn't well-off, but his wife had blown a gasket when Jason had turned up at their door earlier, nearly weeping. It's not that I mind her breaking up with me, Mrs. Cunningham, I'm just concerned with the kind of people she seems to be associating with, you understand. He had honestly never liked that kid very much; he was too eager to please, everything he said felt like a facade. He was glad to see that Laura was dragging Chrissy up the stairs and away from where he could hear them; he slid a cigarette out of a pack he kept nearby and put it to his lips.

“Please, mom, you're hurting me!” Laura had a death grip on Chrissy's arm and was quite literally dragging her; she was afraid her shoulder would dislocate if it continued.

“That's enough, Chrissy,” her mother said disdainfully. “I think considering what you just put me through, a little pain is more than warranted.”

Laura opened the door of her daughter's bedroom and nearly threw Chrissy in, slamming the door behind her. Chrissy backed herself into the tight space between her bed and closet, trying to make herself seem small, knowing it wouldn't matter either way. She was at her mother's mercy again, little that she had.

Laura breathed in deeply, looking like she was charging up for an attack. After a moment, she spoke almost softly.

“Do you know how much you've embarrassed me, young lady?”

Chrissy had expected her mother to start shouting again. Her sudden quiet was more terrifying than her earlier rage; it usually meant that much worse was coming. She felt her knees wobble and wanted to collapse then and there but resisted the urge; defeated though she was, she tried to hold on to her one last scrap of strength and dignity.

“Mom, I'm sorry, but Eddie's right. I'm eighteen and you can't keep me locked away in here. I can spend my time with whoever I want, even if you don't like it.”

Laura's eyes flashed with rage. “No, Chrissy, I won't have it. Not a drug dealer. Not trailer park scum like that. We are a respectable family, a pillar of this community. I will not have my daughter associating with the criminal element. I'm not stupid, you know. You were always a good girl. That goddamn delinquent came to you, didn't he? I bet he made you feel special and exciting, maybe he even plied you with liquor or pills or who knows what. He seduced you, and now you've gone and...ruined yourself.”

Chrissy choked a sob. “I'm not ruined, mom, I'm not a goddamn piece of furniture! I went to him, and he befriended me, and I fell in love!”

Her mother strode towards her quickly and hit her across the face with surprising force. “Don't ever say that to me again,” she spat. “You are not leaving this house, you hear me? Not ever again.”

Chrissy laughed, cheek stinging fiercely. “What, you expect me to stay locked up here like a prisoner? I'll call the fucking police and tell them I'm a legal adult and you're keeping me here against my will!”

Laura smiled spitefully. “No, Chrissy, you won't. I had your father install a new lock on this door while you were out whoring around; it only unlocks, from the outside. And your window is bolted shut, see?”

Chrissy whipped her head towards her bedroom window, seeing it had been fitted with a new set of locks. Fear churned in Chrissy's gut, and she felt on the verge of hyperventilating. Was her mother really crazy enough to lock her in this room away from the rest of the world, just because she had spent time with Eddie?

“What...I have school and...what am I supposed to eat? Are you just going to let me starve to death up here?”

“Don't be so dramatic, Chrissy. I'll call your school and tell them you're sick, which you clearly are, at least in that little head of yours. And a few days of not eating will do you good, you look like you've gained ten pounds since I last saw you.”

Now Chrissy was really scared. Her mother was actually serious; she had planned this all out, and her father hadn't said a word against it, had even installed the locks for her. She had always known her mother was capable of cruelty and abuse, but this shocked even her. She looked quickly towards the door; she knew she couldn't make it, but she had to at least try. She bolted for it, ducking away from her mother's clutching grasp. She was almost there, she had her hand on the doorknob; her mother grabbed her suddenly by the shoulder and threw her to the ground.

“That's enough now! You'll get out of here when you learn what's good for you. A couple of weeks will do nicely, I think.”

As Chrissy watched in horror from the floor, her mother strode out of the room quickly and confidently; she heard the deadbolt slide shut and her mother's footsteps stomping away. She sat stunned, unable to make herself move from the spot where she had been violently flung aside. She was trapped like an animal; any hope she'd ever had of getting out of here, of being her own person and spending her life with someone she loved was dashed in a moment. Who knew if her mother would even let her finish high school now, or leave this horrible house ever again?

After a few moments of shock, she began to feel the pain from where her mother had grabbed and thrown her. She clambered onto her feet and dragged herself to her four-poster bed, wincing at her injuries as she lay down gingerly. Sighing, she brushed her hand along the delicate, white canopy curtains surrounding the bed; they had been a gift for her fifteenth birthday. She had begged for weeks for these same curtains in a deep maroon color that she'd seen at the local hardware store; when she opened the box to see they were white instead, she had not been able to hide her disappointment and started crying. After everyone had gone home, she'd had to pay dearly for 'embarrassing' her mother like that.

Chrissy slid her hand into a nearby desk drawer and pulled out a small sewing kit that she used to replace loose threads in her cheerleading uniform. She pushed the tip of a sewing needle into the soft meat of her palm, drawing a bit of blood. She smeared it on the curtain nearest her, leaving a vivid streak behind. There, she thought defiantly, a red fucking curtain. That wasn't so hard, was it, mom?

Eddie knew he had to wait until much later that night, when everyone was sure to be asleep, to get close to Chrissy's neighborhood. If any of the rich snobs living there saw his dark, suspicious-looking van even approach the pristine culdesac, he'd have all of Hawkins measly police force on his ass before he even knew what hit him. Officer, please, there's someone stealing little girls in the dead of night! Eddie glanced at the clock on this desk for the thousandth time; the digital, red letters stared back at him pitilessly: 10:37 PM. He groaned in frustration and was tempted to pick up his beloved guitar just for something to pass the time with, but he didn't want to damage it in his heightened state. Instead, he turned on the clock radio and flipped stations until he found something decent. The area where he lived was a little bit in the middle of nowhere (and Hawkins was already in the middle of nowhere to begin with), so most of the time the radio signal came through grainy and squealing. This time, though, like a beacon, he heard clearly

Been down one time

Been down two time

I'm never going back again

You don't know what it means to win

Come down and see me again

Tears started in Eddie's eyes and he lay down flat on his back, remembering the feeling of being here with Chrissy only a few hours ago. He knew that she didn't want his pity, that she was resilient and strong despite the things she'd lived through. But he couldn't fucking fathom how she could carry on, could go to class and cheerleading practice and play the part like everything was normal when she had something like that waiting at home for her every day. His mind went back to the first communication they'd had; in her note, she had said something about having visions she couldn't control. They had never gotten a chance to talk about what exactly she'd been experiencing, but Eddie guessed it was something like having acid flashbacks.

He'd never been a particularly anxious person, but occasionally when their funds were low enough that having to skip meals for a few days became a real possibility, he'd felt the urge to jump out of his skin buzzing just below the surface and had found it hard to concentrate on anything. Back when the parental abandonment had been a fresh wound, he'd laid awake at night, reliving the last argument he'd had with his father or the most recent cutting remark from his mom. Wondering, deep down, how much of it was his fault. As he got older, he'd come to realize his parents had had their own issues, and that him being caught in the crossfire was just the famous Munson luck of the draw. But he'd had years of distance from all that, and plenty of time to find his own way in the world.

Chrissy was different, though; she was still in the thick of it, and it might take her a long time to get past it, if he was lucky enough to get her out of there. He had no intention of letting her live with her parents any longer; he would get her away, somehow, and beg Wayne with every fiber of his being not to put her out on the street. He had never felt this way about anyone, not by a long shot. He cursed himself again for the cruel words and resentment he'd thrown at her; being around her had touched on an old wound, one that hadn't healed as fully as he'd thought it had. But she had put up with his hurt, had seen him at his worst and most vulnerable, and somehow come out loving him. It didn't seem possible, but maybe he wasn't as unlucky as he'd always thought. The station had switched to smooth jazz and was now playing an old John Coltrane standard. That usually meant people were wrapping it up for the night; the clock showed 11:05.

He sighed as he got up and popped a tight muscle in his back. He didn't know what this would entail, but he figured he should stay limber. Going into rich neighborhoods and sneaking people out wasn't usually in his oeuvre, after all. Chrissy was worth it all, though. She was worth everything he had and then some, he thought as he strode to his van, trying not to let the enormity of what he needed to do intimidate him.

No big deal, Munson, just saving the love of your fucking life from an insane monster who could throw your ass in jail for looking at her wrong.

He hesitated for one more moment, wondering if he was completely nuts, when Chrissy's low voice stole into his brain.

I don't see you running away or abandoning someone who depends on you.

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, picturing her singing loudly to Pat Benatar, probably having real fun for the first time in her life. He pictured her piercing eyes looking through him, seeing him the way no one else ever had.

And you're the only one who even cared.

He smiled, feeling his insides churn with anticipation; as he turned the key in the ignition, he hoped that his luck would hold out just a little longer. If not, he could always make his own.

Chrissy awoke with a start; she had dozed off somehow and she saw that a few hours had passed. Her body still ached with injuries, but thankfully her parents seemed to be asleep since she didn't hear any noise from the rest of the house. Her father had probably passed out in a tipsy haze in his comfortable chair downstairs as usual; she wasn't stupid enough to think her parents still slept in the same bed anymore. Thankfully, her mother was already a heavy sleeper, and she usually wore fluffy white earmuffs to bed to block out any 'racket'. Chrissy looked askance at the heavily barred window, wondering if it was possible to just shatter the glass without anyone waking up. She walked up to it, sizing it up, then elbowed it with all her might, throwing her slight body against the glass. It didn't budge, and she dared not try again in case it woke her mother up. She sat on the edge of the bed with her face in her hands, looking for all the world like a princess waiting to be rescued from a tall tower, surrounded by orcs and dragons on all sides. She was so stupid, she thought, to think she could ever save herself. Stupid, weak, mealy-mouthed, obedient little Chrissy. If she couldn't even escape the clutches of her parents how was she ever supposed to find her own way in the world?

She thought of Eddie again, of the way he'd treated her with kindness and grace, had let her into his world enough to see that he was actually amazing. She had never felt so much herself as when she was with him. She wished it had been enough to stop the awful scene he'd witnessed; he'd probably never speak to her again, even if she did manage a way out of here. Who would want to deal with someone whose parents came into their home and insulted and threatened them? She had just stood there and let it happen, hadn't been brave enough to do anything when it mattered. What had she been thinking, trying to break away from her prescribed path in life? She slid off the edge of her bed and sank to the floor, wishing she could sink further and further down until all of it, her parents and Jason and Eddie and her future just washed away and she wasn't anywhere anymore.

An ancient-looking grandfather clock began to strike the hour, it's increasingly loud and distorted ticks reverberating throughout the small room. Chrissy's head whipped up to see it standing suddenly in the middle of her room, and her blood ran cold. Cracks began to appear in the glass of the clock, and hundreds of small spiders began to skitter down the clock body and make their way towards her. Chrissy screamed, jumping onto her bed and backing into a corner. She had seen things like this over the last few weeks, had seen a similar vision in the woods just before meeting Eddie. Deep down somewhere in her mind, she knew it wasn't real, and she tried to tell herself that. Her rational mind quickly fled however, as the spiders quickly moved closer and began to crawl up her legs. She batted them away frantically, still shrieking, certain that her mother would be awoken by the noise and come to her aid, but no help came.

After a few more minutes of smashing the spiders with her bare hands, they mercifully started skittering away from her. Her relief was stymied by the sound of a deep masculine voice, which seemed to echo not only throughout every corner of the room but within her own mind, as if it was coming from somewhere within her.

“Chrissy...” the voice slithered in her ear. “Your suffering is at an end.”

Eddie pulled slowly up to Chrissy's culdesac with his headlights off, barely breathing. He thanked any god who'd listen that his van was painted pitch-black, and that he'd just gotten his squealing brake pads replaced last week. He realized as he crawled closer to the well-manicured house in the darkness that he had absolutely no idea what he'd do when he got there; part of him assumed he would be caught before he could get this far, so he hadn't really planned this whole thing out. He silently pumped his fist in the air in jubilation when he saw a thickly branched oak tree that stood almost as tall as the house, stopping right at the window on the second floor. It was perfect for sneaking Chrissy out, assuming two things: he could jimmy open the window somehow without waking anyone, and that the windowed room was Chrissy's in the first place. It was his best and only chance in any case, so he quietly stepped out of his car and hoped like hell it wasn't the Cunningham's bedroom. He didn't think he could take the sight of the illustrious Mrs. Cunningham in her nightgown at this point.

“No...” Chrissy panted. “Please, let me out of here.”

A human-like being had manifested itself before her eyes, although it was not like any person Chrissy had ever seen. It was an imposingly tall figure with cloudy eyes that bore into her. It's body was made up of a writhing mass of slimy tentacles; it made her nauseous to look directly at the creature. She wanted to weep, to hide under her blankets until it all went away. She wanted to claw her own eyes out so she couldn't see it anymore; it's very presence felt like a lead weight around her heart and mind. She tried to reach deep within herself, to find something that she could use to fight the awful beast. The creature cocked it's head almost curiously; in a flash, it's face became the face of Jason Carver. For a moment, she was relieved, then it sneered menacingly at her.

“Fucking slut,” it hissed. “Knew you were trash from the moment I met you.”

“Stop,” she said, balling her hands into fists at her side. “You don't own me, and I don't owe you anything. You're just a dumb bully whose parents happened to be rich.”

Jason's visage narrowed it's eyes at her, then transformed into one of her cheerleading cohorts in a flash.

“Jesus, Chrissy, you gained so much weight over the summer. You're such a goddamn cow.”

“No!” she said loudly. “You're...just acting judgmental because you're insecure, too. I've seen you puking in the bathroom after lunch, same as me. It doesn't have to be that way anymore.”

Then the creature took the face of her father. “Sweetheart, don't you think you ought to listen to your mother. You know how she gets when someone defies her.”

The creatures voice became low and distorted as it finished, and Chrissy felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. She felt like she was running out of time, like she only had so much left in her before she would be consumed.

“P-please Dad, you know that she only treats us this way because you let it happen! I wish you'd left her and taken me with you years ago! All the money in the world isn't worth being beaten down like this!”

Her father's face smiled and morphed into her mother's; Chrissy felt the small light of her courage being snuffed out in a moment.

“Chrissy, dear, I think it's time you listened to your mother for once.” The creature, still wearing her mother's face, began to reach it's hand towards her.

Somewhere, in the small part of her mind that was still in the real world, she felt her feet begin to lift off the floor.

“Goddamn...fucking leaves in my ass, motherfucker!”

Eddie cursed as he clambered up the tree, feeling the cuts and scrapes that would surely be that much more painful when his adrenaline wore off later. He vaguely remembered climbing trees in his younger days, but he had never gotten this high off the ground before; for every move upwards, he felt a swooping in his stomach. He clenched his teeth, determined not to look down; although he would never admit it, particularly not to Chrissy, he was a little bit afraid of heights. He'd had an older second cousin on his mother's side who had fallen off a ladder and fatally broken his neck; he vividly remembered the lecture she had given him about it and had sworn off climbing after that. Yet here he was, up who knew how high in the air, with only a flimsy set of branches to support his weight. He finally made it to the top of the tree, face dirty and hair disheveled; he settled himself onto a relatively sturdy branch and leaned forward, peering through the glass.

Chrissy was in the air.

Chrissy's feet were off the ground and she was floating slowly upwards.

“What the fuck?” he whispered hoarsely. Of all the things he thought he might see within the room, this was not super high on his list. He was stunned for a moment, unsure if what he was seeing was even real. As he sat pondering, she continued to rise into the air with her arms outstretched. He shook himself out of his stupor. Whatever the fuck was happening in there, it needed to be stopped. On instinct, he threw himself against the glass, nearly toppling forward off the branch. He caught himself in time, but the window didn't budge.

“Chrissy!” he shouted, hoping his voice would carry through the glass somehow. “Chrissy, wake up!”

Chrissy, trapped within her mind, stood stone still. The creature had her in his grasp; the tip of his horrific finger was barely an inch away from her transfixed face. She could do nothing but watch helplessly as he moved closer, like a lethal jungle cat striking at just the precise moment. She wanted to close her eyes and let it happen; what difference would it make now? As she faced the last moments of her young life, she tried to picture Eddie's face, to have one last moment of respite before giving into the inevitable. It swam before her eyes before fizzling away; the creature's claw-like hand was poised before her, ready to strike the final blow.

Chrissy, wake up!

She gasped, turning away from the monster. Somehow, through the haze, a small space was carved out, with the image of Eddie's panicked face at her window. She couldn't believe it; he had gotten to her, somehow, and seemed to be trying to break through the glass with brute force. The monster growled with impatience.

“Chrissy!” it rumbled. “You need to come with me now.”

She whipped her head towards the creature, eyes blazing. “Eat shit, asshole.” She gracefully slid under it's outstretched arm and made her way towards the door. It opened with ease, and she ran downstairs, muscular legs pumping wildly.

–

Eddie continued yelling Chrissy's name as loudly as he could. She was still in the air, although her ascent seemed to have slowed to a crawl. He reached into the pocket of his leather jacket; in the immediate shock of seeing Chrissy floating, he had nearly forgotten the sizable hammer he'd thankfully grabbed out of his van's toolbox. He began to hit at the glass, focusing on the top corner where it was most likely to shatter. A dog began barking an alert nearby; he grimaced but pressed on. He honestly didn't care anymore if he got thrown in jail for breaking and entering. This was all so far beyond his experience of reality, the last thing on his mind was the probable consequences once it was over. The glass wobbled dangerously; he gasped in delight and began hammering rapidly. Finally, it shattered, and he cleared as much glass as he could with the hammer, being careful not to send the shards flying towards his face.

He placed his forearms on the bottom of the window frame and heaved himself into the room with as much agility as he could muster. As he slid his body through the empty frame, he fell onto the bedroom floor ungracefully, nearly whacking his head against a corner of Chrissy's plywood nightstand. As he stood and looked fully at Chrissy, still hovering a few feet off the ground in a rigid pose with her toes pointed downwards, he saw that her eyes were clouded white and she looked to be in a deep trance. He cast his mind around frantically, trying to remember what he'd read about catatonia and wishing he'd actually paid attention in his senior psych class. He figured getting her back to solid ground was as good a first step as any to resolving the issue; he grabbed her ankles firmly with both hands and pulled downward as hard as he could.

–

Chrissy made it all the way to her front door before the creature caught up with her. It was locked from the outside, and she jiggled the curved handle frantically to no avail. As she threw herself against the door, screaming with pure panic, it approached her slowly, taking its time like a spider who's already caught dinner in its web.

“That's enough now, Chrissy. You're coming with me.”

“No!” she yelled, projecting her voice outwards like they'd taught her in cheerleading practice. “You're not real, you're in my head! None of this is real!”

“Oh, but I am as real as everything in your life that makes you so unhappy. No one is coming to save you now. This is what you've always wanted.”

“That's not true anymore! I want to live, please!”

In her mind's eye she saw Eddie, hair full of leaves and arms wrapped around her lower half, desperately trying to drag her back to reality, to him. Oh god, I want to live. The creature must have somehow seen what she had; he turned away from her with rage and disgust.

“Enough!” it roared, then reeled back and hit her full force in the stomach with preternatural strength. She sank to the floor, choking and gasping for breath.

Eddie was knocked back in a blast of pure energy; he didn't know where it had come from or what had forced him away from Chrissy, but it was enough to send him reeling. He could hear nothing except a tinny ringing in his ears for a few moments; when he shook his head and regained his senses, she had risen further, well beyond what he could reach even if he had been a star athlete. He felt on the verge of hyperventilating; she was surely going to die, all of this had been for nothing.

“Chrissy, please!” he shouted, not caring who heard. “If you're still in there, don't give up! Whatever the fuck it is keeping you in there, don't let it win! It can't win, this can't be it! I love you, Chrissy! Please come back to me!”

Chrissy sobbed, sitting crumpled on the floor and clutching her stomach. “Please,” she moaned. “I don't want this.”

The creature bent down to face her, looking almost paternal. “But you do, Chrissy. Don't fight this anymore.”

It reached it's grisly hand towards her again without hesitation and poised it to strike.

Don't let it win

I love you

Please come back to me

Chrissy gasped, hearing Eddie's voice coming through clearly, ringing in her ears. He wanted her back, more than anyone ever had. He'd risked his life and freedom to rescue her, and she'd be damned if she let it end this way. She stood up, not caring about the pain in her stomach or the vile creature before her. With sudden sureness, she elbowed the small glass window at the top of her front door and grabbed a shard of glass that had broken off. With a grunt, she sliced at the creature's eyes and face before it could respond. It yelled hoarsely in what she hoped was pain and clawed at it's wounds. She took the opportunity to run, although she didn't know where to yet.

“Eddie!” she yelled. “Eddie, please!”

“Eddie,” she moaned weakly, barely loud enough for him to hear when she was so high above him. “Eddie, please.”

“Chrissy...” he gasped, barely letting himself believe it. “Yes, please, Chrissy, I'm right here! Keep going! You can make it out of there!”

Before her, like clouds parting through the muck and filth around her, she saw Eddie, yelling and leaping, cheering her on. She grinned, moving as fast as she's ever had, thanking her awful coach for making her run all those laps.

“No!” the creature yelled, and the house shook with it's roar. “You can't get away!”

Just before she managed to make her escape, her mother stood before her with her hands outstretched pleadingly. “Chrissy, please, listen to me. I only want what's best for you.”

“Go to hell, you awful bitch!” Chrissy ducked away, jumping gracefully through the small gap with her eyes closed, hoping Eddie would be there to catch her if she fell.

Chrissy gasped as she came back to herself, and her mind flooded with relief. It was short-lived as she realized she was about ten or fifteen feet in the air and was now dropping rapidly. Eddie, with only a half-second to process what was happening, leaped towards the falling girl with his arms outstretched. He caught her by some miracle, and the weight of her plus the force of her fall sent them tumbling to the ground. He tried to shield her head from the hard floor with his hand, hoping like hell that she wasn't concussed. They lay panting for a moment, both bewildered and exhausted. After a while, Chrissy began to giggle with something close to hysteria. Feeling pretty close to losing it himself, he laughed along with her, placing his forehead gently on hers. After their laughter abated, their eyes met and Chrissy gazed deeply at him.

“Hi,” she said a little hoarsely.

“Hi,” he said, kissing her gently and holding her like he never wanted to let go. She sighed into his mouth and asked, “Did you really mean that? When you said you loved me?”

“Of course I did, Chrissy. I was just too up my own ass to say it before, but of course I love you.” He took her delicate hand in his, kissing her wrist like it was the most precious thing he'd ever held. He lay his head on her chest and she carded her fingers through his wild hair. “You've got dirt in your hair, by the way.”

“Mm,” he intoned, listening to her steady heartbeat and feeling like it was the most beautiful sound in the world. “Also, quick question, what the fuck was that? Like, with the floating and shit?”

She giggled again, grasping his upper body in her arms. “Oh, god, where do I start?”

They were interrupted by the sound of a key scrabbling at her bedroom door; it seemed like all the noise had finally woken her parents.

“Oh, fuck, we need to go,” Eddie nearly moaned, grasping her hand and pulling her up.

“No,” she said, turning towards him. “I got this.”

He looked at her wildly, shaking his head. “Please, Chris-”

He was cut off as the door opened; her mother peered in and her face turned paper-white.

“What...dear god, what happened here?”

Chrissy wasn't sure if her mother's shock came from Eddie standing in the middle of the room, or the completely trashed window, or maybe just the fact that Chrissy wasn't cowering before her as usual.

“Mom,” she stepped forward with Eddie's hand in hers. “I'm leaving. Like I said before, I'm an adult and you can't keep me here without my consent. It's called, um...” She looked to Eddie for help.

“False imprisonment?”

“False imprisonment! It's a third-degree felony, and just because you and dad schmooze with the police chief doesn't mean you can lock me in my room for the rest of my life.”

She spoke clearly and with confidence, seeing her mother as she was for the first time. She wasn't a monster or something she couldn't possibly hope to get away from; she was a mean, brutal woman who used her voice to make people afraid, that was all. In her thin robe, with her pale, haggard, face, she looked smaller and more pitiful than ever.

“Chrissy, darling, please...we can talk about this.”

“Let her go, Laura.” Her father approached and stood in the open doorway, assessing the little group in his quiet way. “If she wants to go, she's right, we can't stop her.”

“You...” Chrissy's mother turned to her husband, seething with hatred. “You stay out of this, you piece of-”

“My window!” he shouted suddenly with indignation. “What the hell happened to the window I worked all day on?” He moved towards it unsteadily, looking for all the world like he'd lost something precious to him. Chrissy stifled a laugh; he'd probably be more upset about the shattered glass in the morning than his daughter leaving.

“Who cares about your window, Ted? For Christ's sake-”

“Uh, ma'am? If I may...” Eddie stepped forward haltingly, looking like a novice actor on his first audition. “Chrissy can come stay with me...with us...with my uncle and myself. We don't have much in the way of luxury goods, granted, but it seems like some space would be good for the family dynamic at this point. And sorry about your window, sir.” He nodded towards her father. “Trust me, I wouldn't have wrecked such nice craftsmanship if it wasn't an emergency.”

He looked toward Chrissy, shrugging a little and grinning widely. “And, of course, assuming you want to stay with a couple of lowlife degenerates.”

She smiled, nodding. “I'd love to.”

Her mother sighed, flinging her hands into the air. “This is...don't expect to come crawling back here when you're penniless and knocked up, young lady. I expect this little infatuation will blow over in a few months and you'll be begging to come back.” She strode away, and Chrissy thought she could hear a strangled sob as her mother fled. She could almost feel sorry for her if the aching in her shoulder didn't still hurt so deeply.

“Don't worry, sweetheart,” her father said in a low voice. “You know she'll come around. You can always come home if you need.”

Chrissy wrapped her arm around Eddie's and rested her aching head on his shoulder. “Don't worry, dad. I think I already found it.”

Seven months later

“Come on, Eddie, I don't want to be late!”

“I'm trying, babe, but my hair won't fit under this goddamn stupid grad cap. I can't believe I paid actual money for this thing.”

Chrissy scoffed but soon broke into a smile. “You look great, trust me. And since you're finally leaving Hawkins High after three senior years, you can probably go on stage naked and the principal won't mind.”

Eddie smoothed out his green graduation robe and smirked. “Don't put any ideas in my head, now.”

“What's this about going on naked?” Wayne Munson approached them, wiping down a coffee cup and winking at Chrissy. She smiled; Eddie's uncle had become like a father figure to her, mostly silent and stoic but supportive when it really mattered.

“Oh, you know, just trying to find ways to make this day bearable, pops.”

He laughed gruffly. “What's so unbearable about it? You guys are both graduating, finally, getting out of Hawkins and going off to school together. On scholarship, thank the good lord.”

Eddie sighed, fiddling with his hair nervously. “I don't know, it's just...it's a lot to face. I'm excited, of course, and so is Chrissy, but...we'll have to leave you. And Hellfire. And the band...”

“Now, now...” He set his cup down and placed a hand on both of their shoulders. “None of that. There will always be other bands, and clubs, and even daft old men like me, wherever you go in this life.”

“There's no one like you, Wayne,” Chrissy beamed. “I wanted to thank you again for taking me in. These last few months have been such a relief, honestly. Like I have a real family for the first time.”

“Think nothing of it, my dear. You two are the greatest joy I could ever hope to have. Neither of you could ever, ever be a burden. You hear me?” He looked at both of them meaningfully. “You're going to do great things, both of you. It's been an honor to watch you kids flourish.”

Eddie laughed, wrapping an arm around his uncle's shoulder. “We're not going off to war, old man, just regular old Indiana State.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just take care of each other out there. The world is a wild place for a couple of dreamers. You both know that better than most, I take it.”

“I'll make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble, sir,” Chrissy grinned, taking Eddie's hand in hers.

“Not if I can help it,” Eddie shot back, winking.

“All right, now, go on before you miss the dang ceremony, I'll be right behind you.”

The pair made their way to Eddie's van, Chrissy's arm wrapped tightly around his.

“Hey, I'm not going anywhere, trust me.”

“I know.” She turned to face him, eyes glistening. “I just wanted to say, I'm really proud of you. And you don't have anything to be afraid of. I'm going to be with you every step of the way. After the shit we've been through, college is nothing.”

He grinned, kissing her. “Yeah, when you've faced down a literal fucking demon, intro to statistics doesn't seem too bad.”

She groaned, making her way to the passenger seat. “Speak for yourself, dungeon master.”

Eddie clambered into the driver's seat to see a single red rose placed on his dashboard. Chrissy looked at him slyly. "I always keep my promises, Munson."

"You sure do." He took her chin in his slender fingers, kissing her deeply before tucking the red rose deep within his curls.

"Very cute," Chrissy said, leaning back in her seat.

"It...kind of hurts actually."

She shrugged. "Every rose has it's thorn."

"Just like every night has it's dawn," he crooned back at her.

They sang together, just a little off-key, as they drove into the warm June morning.

[disheveledorganization]

intro

contacted a second divorce lawyer today. the first one never responded, so i'm hoping to at least hear back from this one.

i'm putting this post (and if any others i might make) under a cut because i don't want them reblogged and i don't want them saved if i should decided to delete them later on. hopefully that's a thing still.

i want to say that i'm not sure how my marriage got to this point, but i do know. communication breakdown! reaching out for connection and being rejected! lying! drinking! and the icing on that cake: financial infidelity.

my soon to be ex-husband has at minimum $15k in cc debt that i didn't know about, and probably more. like there's a strong possibility that he ran up some ccs (and then paid them off?) without me knowing. and to pile more shit on top of shit, he (his business - an s corp) owes the irs like $300k. i had a full blown panic attack when i found out. and i only found out because the irs sent a certified letter to the house. this has been going on for years and i had no idea. and i can't get a straight answer out of him. first he said the irs thing had been going on for 3 months, then he said 3 years.

we have children, pets, a house, and i haven't worked in more than a decade because i've been homeschooling our kids.

(please, before anyone says anything about homeschooling freaks, i have trans kids with autism, adhd, severe depression, among some minor physical issues that call for regular doctor appts out of town, so. public school would be a dumpster fire.)

i'm currently taking college courses in the hopes of some sort of career. no, idk how i'll homeschool my kids and work. but i'll figure it out. i have the support of my parents and sister. and an extended family who will be there for me. and my friends.

i've told him i want a divorce. he said he's been expecting it for 10 years. blew my mind. he said he wants me to keep homeschooling the kids. that he'll move out of the house. that he'll keep paying bills. but then he hasn't really talked to me about it since then. i'm hoping for a collaborative divorce where we work through it while keeping the kids our priority. i don't want this to get messy.

yes, i'm in therapy. i started going because of my severe anxiety and depression, but i'll continue seeing my therapist through this and beyond. yes, my kids are in therapy. i thought it might be good for them to form a relationship with a therapist before the shit hits the fan.

and, just to be clear, the $ isn't the only reason for this divorce. i've tried everything, even couples counseling, which he stopped attending. he started pulling away from me about 10 years ago, which is odd to think about when he says that's when he started expecting me to leave him. and he does things sometimes that just...... he lied and told my youngest that i'd taken his sister to the emergency room because she was much sicker than we originally thought (i'd taken her to cvs for cold meds). this was his idea of a joke. my child was frightened and shocked, and he insisted it was 'just a joke' over and over.

he is not physically abusive. i'm not afraid of him. and i honestly believe that he cares about and loves the kids. he's just emotionally stunted and refuses help.

this got long. hopefully any updates will be shorter.

[idleglowingpixels]

I Started Typing A Regular Post When Oops It Turned Into An Update Post (Mainly about MH-AU & XXY)

Just spent the last couple hours give-or-take on completing Cleo's profile, which I'm excited to be releasing later today! Her post is scheduled to release around noon EDT (I scheduled Lagoona's and it made things a lot easier to post her at a reasonable hour so I'm doing that from now on cause OH MY GOD :'D). She will be the last in the current set of character designs/bios I have prepared.

I have one teensy tiny more MH-AU goodie for Halloween before I get back to XXY full-time (dw I have been working on it in the background, progress has just been super slow cause I'm trying to finish the fic's outline). I will still be working on the MH-AU, don't get me wrong, just not as my top priority cause my PPG followers have been patient enough with me for more XXY content. I do plan on making another series of character design/bios, this time focusing on the mansters since they actually serve a purpose in the fics other than "the boyfriend" (Sorry they didn't do too much in a majority of the movies okay, I love them in the webisodes tho!). And once Cleo's post drops, I'll make a masterpost for the MH-AU since there's enough out now that I feel it necessary; keeps all the lore organized and junk. I'll have it linked in my general masterpost for quick access should anyone need it for reference. If they are updated at all later on, I'll make a post about it.

My current oneshot WIPs for the MH-AU are: - My equivalent to G1's New Ghoul @ School (tbh I might just use that name cause it's so iconic and I can't really come up with anything better lol), which might end up becoming a SMALL multichapter should it require that (3-6 Chapters max). There's a lot that goes on in Frankie's first week, more than the original series of mishaps unfortunately (poor Frankie :'D), and it also sets up a lot of stuff prior to the first week of school for them that I think is super important to their character. - Taking A Lycan To New Salem (Working Title), a short story about one of Clawdeen's human-side escapades gone wrong. (I want to talk about this one SO BAD but alas, it'll have to wait til I finish the fic. I'm already 1k words into it!) And I have several more in mind that I can't wait to write and share. Until then, I'll keep you guys posted!

(Random side note: I had no idea how many of these characters were gonna have a criminal record like holy shit dgfhgsddfg)

---

I've been in a super artsy mood so if I can manage to actually complete a sketch of the team, I really wanna post a drawing of XXY as a whole (I tend to ditch my sketches after 1-2 characters are drawn q-q). I also really wanna draw the "Normie Trio/3" as I call them, consisting of Robin, Mitch and Mike. I eventually wanna draw more characters that get redesigns from age, alterations in the case of the reboot villains, and such, but I think I just needed to get into the art mood again cause now I actually plan to do these things! :D

Also, while progress has been slow, I'm gonna assume from my current status that I'll be able to complete XXY's next batch probably around the end of this year, to be released in January. I'm so sorry to delay its release to January, but please understand I am really passionate about this story and wanna make it the best (and most fun) I can make it. And I'm not gonna go out and say "hey this is exactly how many chapters there'll be," but I might end up making about 70 chapters total including all the intermission/MultiPOV chapters, but that remains to be seen.

I do have good news for you guys, however; considering where the story is headed, I've realized I'm gonna need to throw in another intermission chapter at the end of this batch, with a new character's POV! They haven't shown up yet, and won't until that chapter, but believe me when I say I am VERY VERY excited to write it and I really love this character. The chapter name for them is super appropriate too lol.

While I'm here I'm gonna drop the chapter titles, as they don't really reveal anything. The previous theme was weather patterns, focusing on the coming and going of rain and shine. This one's flowers!

Chapter 8 - Gladiolus Chapter 9 - Hyacinth Chapter 10 - Spearmint Chapter 11 - Coriander Chapter 12 - Hibiscus Chapter 13 - Violet Chapter 14 - Jasmine Tobacco

Hope all the little tidbits I shared hold you guys over and get you excited for the coming months. Thanks as always for your patience!

[romantic-flora]

TIME FOR ANOTHER LONG ONE

Buckle up ladies, gaydies, & theydies, cause Flora's a LITTLE MAD today.

You may have seen my post about River recently. Well I still haven't heard from her but this isn't a tea update I just have A LOT OF FEELINGS about this situation.

So sit down, shut up, and open your ears to one autistic motherfucker raging about social queues.

Like I said before my date with River was probably the best first date I've ever been on. No actually is FOR SURE was. The conversation and flirting had so much chemistry - we couldn't wait two hours to kiss, we had to get it out of the way at the table. She was just the right amount of forward to be exciting but not overwhelming. The dom/sub dynamic flipped back and forth too many times to count and both of us loved being on both sides. And we're not even talking abut the sex yet (it was fantastic too). We share so many interests and she's a more-than-casual enjoyer of my *special interests* so it didn't feel awkward devoting a huge part of our conversation to them.

She read me so thoroughly and clearly - even with Luna, sometimes I feel like they can't quite grapple the way that I think (head full v head empty), but River consistently helped me finish thoughts that I was having trouble articulating and explicitly enjoyed it. There's a deep satisfaction to be found in being able to reach the same conclusion as someone without having to say all the words - for those of us who have brains that move way faster than our bodies. On top of which, River has been in a relationship with a transgirl before, so I didn't have to worry about answering questions or doing simple education.

She's brilliant. I say that in no attempt to hyperbolize. As someone who begrudgingly accepts the title of genius autism (I got both Smart Girl & Obsessed With Dumb Shit Girl versions in roughly equal measure hahaHAHA FUCK) I find it very difficult to connect with people to don't match me intellectually. This isn't a flex, it's alienating. I just can't be engaged in a conversation where I'm never being surprised or interested by the other person's thought process. Believe me, if I could go back to the start and reroll my stats, I would fucking bottom out intelligence. River, as I've probably made clear already, can more than keep up. I love playing word games over text, in person, as flirting etc - so to sit down with someone who has a degree in linguistics??? Come on. The whole experience was just so deeply refreshing and entertaining.

And I THOUGHT I was talking to someone super emotionally mature and interested in getting ahead of possible hurdles. We had already been discussing our second date before going on our first. She brought up dating goals, and I said I was looking for some emotional and intellectual fulfillment. She said she'd been out of a long term relationship for 6 months and wasn't looking for anything serious right now... but... that we had clicked way more than she was expecting to with anyone and she could see it going somewhere. I said we should keep things chill for now then & have another conversation about it after a few more dates. Seems good right? Being upfront about expectations and comfortable discussing feelings???

WELL I GUESS NOT. After a few more drinks we went to my place and had sex. She stuck around for a few hours of chat & cuddling after. I paid for her uber home - she had a job interview the next morning. She sent me a few texts on the way, and a cute goodnight message when she got home.

I simply cannot put into words how excited I was to have someone I didn't have to compromise on any of my standards for. AND she's super into me in return??? Too good to be true.

It's been 4 days and I haven't heard from her. I'm not blocked. She read my first couple messages (I've sent...3? & a post). She's pretty offline in general, she has ADHD, and I knew she had plans this week.

Luna says to give an ADHDer a week and to not assume anything until then. I'm struggling with that because for the three days prior to our date, our communication was very consistent. Easily hundreds of messages per day. And I knoooowwwww that's because I was top of mind.

Bottom line I have no idea what's going on, & everyone is telling me to be patient. It's a slow sinking feeling though, as with every hour a bit more hope slips away. I'm really hoping we'll bump into each other at an event tomorrow & I can get a better picture.

______________________________________________________________

Time to talk about my feelings. Gross, I know.

I cannot help but feel frustrated. Lack of resolution to situations drives my anxiety I N S A N E. I cannot help but assume the worst. The timing is very conspicuous. I'm used to Luna going dark for a few days at a time when they get busy, but RIGHT AFTER our first date doesn't feel neutral, it feels intentional.

The way I see it, there are two things that could be happening, if it's not forgetfulness.

River lied to me. About all of this special/different shit, so that she could fuck me. I would have said no to a hookup - the only reason I wanted to have sex was because I thought we were going to keep seeing each other. I might be a slut, but I'm a slut with desires. We had originally said we weren't going to hookup on our first date... Some would say if you're having that conversation ahead of time, you're definitely going to. We were both just so excited and into it. I don't think River is the kind of person to do this, but ALSO she's a stranger I met on the internet a week ago, she could be lying about anything. This option makes me quite upset, but it's easier to process because the rational outcome is anger. Anger doesn't make me anxious, I can handle it. So I'm having a couple days for feral girl rage while I wait out Luna's recommended waiting period.

It was too much too soon & she got scared. That I can absolutely understand - I would want to talk and settle that in a mature way that keeps us talking. If she just got too excited and the sex was more than she wanted in retrospect I totally get it. But WHY aren't you talking to me? Is this how allistic people deal with discomfort? Just walk away from it? From a really really good thing? That's BAFFLING I simply cannot comprehend the thought process. I've ghosted people before, but only people that I've had like one mediocre conversation with, I could NEVER do it to someone I actually liked. And if I had FEELINGS for that person... even if you're not comfortable pursuing them right now, why would you throw away that option??? I am filled with such tumult at the thought that she could HAVE feelings and be CHOOSING to avoid me. That's so terribly anxiety inducing. I just want things between us to be stable and comfortable, we can take a step back, we don't have to have sex until you're ready, we don't even have to see each other that much, just TALK TO ME.

River. We could be so fucking good together. Now or whenever you're ready. I'll wait if you want me to. Just don't leave me in the dark. I think you were being honest when you told me you had an amazing time. I don't want to believe you're a liar. I'm going to pretend to be mad so that I'm not anxious, but whether it's good for me or not, the second you text me, I'm going to be so relieved and understanding of whatever you say.

Unless it's something I have failed to consider. This is a tangent, but I'm so sick of having to be the Bigger Person. I get upset about things. I deserve apologies. As much as anyone else. Fucking annoying how being mature makes you kind of powerless in relationship dynamics. Maybe I need to be less desperate and set some better boundaries. In fact I know that's true. But I also have a larger underlying issue, one that River articulated to me more clearly than I had thought about it. I like to talk to people close to me about my achievements, small and large, I like praise and I like to show off a little bit - my ego comes from the fact that I don't get the praise I need from the people I want. And I'm not sure how to solve that problem without filling my inner circle with people who appreciate me more. If you have any tips on how to not desire praise, let me know I guess? And none of this "you only need your own praise" stuff - I already think I'm the greatest <3

Well no poetic ending to this one. I'll update after the event tomorrow on whether River shows her (beautiful) face.

Smitten & hopeful,

Flora

[favoniuscodex]

the art of modernity [ prologue ]

prologue - jueyun karst

pairing: xiao x gn!reader warnings: canon-typical violence mention words: ~1.8k words fic masterlist [ prev ] - [ next ]

chapter summary: you drag four of your closest friends to jueyun karst to chase after possible traces of the adepti. none of them expect for you to actually find any, but hey, anything is possible, right?

a/n: can't believe 'making xiao eat a chicken nugget and french fries' is becoming an actual fic but here we are. enjoy !! :D

when you had asked yanfei the legal repercussions of disrupting jueyun karst, the entire brunch table had looked at you as if you had grown a third eye. kaeya had sat down the third mimosa he had been nursing, while childe had actually stopped speaking for once. yanfei giggled with intrigue and keqing had stared at you with an expression that screamed are you serious right now?

yet somehow, you had ended up in keqing's overcrowded car and made a road trip to fuel your farfetched dreams. sure, like any kid growing up, you had read percy jackson and the archons, but, unlike most kids, you had taken the myths of the archons seriously. shrines and ruins still sung praises of their names, but most liyuean mythology was treated as having no greater value than old folk tales. the world had moved on past the need of teyvat's expansive pantheon of the elemental archons, visions, and celestia, yet some scholars sought to prove the existence of the old gods. most of the time, their efforts were fruitless.

you, of course, were no scholar. you were simply a dumbass who graduated college and decided in their post-college/pre-settled life panic to go traverse the treacherous lands of jueyun karst. as prosperous as liyue was, jueyun karst still remained heavily untouched as there were areas that even rich moguls were scared to get their grubby hands on. why turn the beautiful mountains and swirling lakes into sprawling shopping centers if the entire area was rumored to be cursed anyways? so, the country had turned jueyun karst into a protected area in the form of a national park.

but now, with your car full of three and a half dumbasses (keqing certainly doesn't count and yanfei is only halfway to idiocy), you had decided to certainly ignore the title of protected area. you had full intentions of disrupting whatever you could get your grimy hands on. you wanted to see the adepti in action and, if others called you crazy for it, then so be it.

"gods, where even are we?" kaeya asks. his tone lacks the annoyance you would expect from childe nor the worried-yet-still-composed nature you would expect from keqing's words. so, you shrug him off with a simple wave of your hand.

"not really sure, but there's enough of us out here that we won't die, right?" you ask and kaeya stares at you blankly before turning to look behind the two of you at the three stragglers.

"keqing!" he calls, realizing that you are of no help. "where are we?"

keqing huffs as she approaches the two of you while yanfei and childe stagger behind her, both acting tired despite being some of the most athletic people you know. in typical keqing fashion, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a compass. kaeya stares as the compass needle spins around aimlessly in her hand, its connection clearly disrupted by some force in the area.

"oh gods, what does that mean? we're going to die. we're going to die out here," childe deadpans, panic creeping into his voice. yanfei swats him playfully on the arm before he can begin his usual theatrics, knowing full and well how childe loves living in the spotlight.

"dying in a protected national park is illegal," yanfei adds and kaeya stares at her with a baffled expression.

"what? are the police going to arrest a corpse?" kaeya asks incredulously and yanfei folds her arms over her chest, staring at him with narrowed eyes.

"didn't you want to be a cop at one point? shouldn't you be aware as to how arresting procedures work?" yanfei asks and kaeya recoils at her question.

"no, i was considering going into military like my dad. i don't wanna be a cop," kaeya shoots back and childe jokingly gags once he hears the word 'military'.

"military? yuck," childe says and becomes the next recipient to receive childe's incredulous gaze.

"didn't you literally join the fatui for two years?" kaeya asks but childe shakes his head.

"not like you have any proof," the ginger-haired man shoots back.

"i can easily acquire proof?" kaeya says, but keqing clears her throat loudly before the two men can engage in a full showdown of words.

"c'mon, guys, we have bigger problems to solve than childe's blatant lies," keqing redirects the conversation with ease but not before kaeya lets out a triumphant hmph at keqing's words. "like figuring out why this compass isn't working and figuring out how to get back because it doesn't work."

"ooh, maybe it's not working because there are ghosts nearby," childe says, but before yanfei and kaeya can engage with his dumbassery once more, you interject.

"it's likely just elemental energy or adeptal energy. i know you guys probably don't believe in them, but this is said to be the former realm of the adepti. wouldn't be surprised if there are traces of them left!" you say, voice far too cheery for the implication of your words. kaeya only shrugs at the suggestion that gods are watching over you as you travel through the park, yanfei only looks intrigued in a nearly-dangerous way, keqing looks nonplussed due to her strong belief that the gods no longer exist, and childe looks absolutely terrified yet is trying to act like he isn't.

"anyways," you continue. "maybe there's a domain!"

"ancient liyuean law forbids unauthorized entrance into domains without proper licensure from the adventurer's guild," yanfei says, as if knowing ancient law is a completely normal activity for a twenty-something-year-old.

"what is a domain?" keqing and kaeya ask at the same time before glancing at each other.

"i'm... not sure. pretty sure they have like... ancient monsters and stuff," you confess and, for the first time today, childe perks up excitedly, eagerly taking a step closer to you.

"monsters? like those uh... hollychirls? whatever they're called? how big do you think they are?" childe asks with an excited glimmer in his eyes.

"weren't you just worried about dying?" keqing asks, but childe ignores her question.

"so like... we're trying to find this domain, right?" childe asks, confused. "what are we looking for?"

"i don't really see why a domain would have adepti traces so we're probably better off looking for something else," you say and yanfei perks up.

"like that?" she asks, pointing off at something glowing faintly orange in the distance. you squint slightly in an attempt to better look at it, but you're unable to distinguish what exactly yanfei as pointing at.

"we might as well go see what that is," keqing says and you're slightly surprised for the purple-haired girl to suggest such a thing, but you figure she's just trying to find a place where her compass actually works. the spinning dial isn't too much of a concern for you since you're in no rush to leave, but the friends you've brought along aren't quite as keen on discovering the secrets of the adepti as you are, so you follow the herd as they begin to move over to the glowing orange light.

the five of you climb down, approaching what soon reveals itself as a stone pillar with a glowing chunk of cor lapis on top. it's certainly nothing new and is probably a protected relic, yet no guards are stationed in front of it. it's almost certainly been discovered before, so why isn't it..?

"oh, isn't this area usually flooded?" yanfei asks and everyone turns to stare at her.

"you've been here before?" keqing asks and you wonder to yourself when these people will stop asking questions and instead keep looking for hints.

"you guys haven't traveled to jueyun karst before?" yanfei asks, confused. "yeah, this area's usually flooded with water. i've never seen that thing before."

if it's usually flooded, then it was likely discovered before, but not relocated, you think to yourself and immediately break out in a sprint towards the cor lapis tower. sure, it was about the height of you, with the cubic chunk on top reaching the height of your head, yet you were more than satisfied with looking at the carvings on the side. childe is the first to catch up with you, using his long legs to match your pace. he sighs as you finally stop and watches as you frantically begin poking and prodding at the pillar.

"are you sure that's a good idea?" he asks, nervously. "what if it's a mechanism or something?"

"what's the worst that could happen?" you ask and childe sputters over his words.

"a lot of things!" childe insists, yet kaeya, keqing, and yanfei's joined arrival interrupts him from making an even bigger fuss.

"try putting your palm flat on the diamond," yanfei suggests and you take a step back. with a steady hand, you lays her palm flat against the side of the pillar, in which a diamond has been engraved onto its surface. around the group of you, the remnants of water begin to glow orange as the pillar emits an even stronger, unnatural glow of energy. the pillar begins to vibrate rapidly and yanfei lets out a small, knowing laugh while the rest of you watch, wide-eyed and confused by the moving pillar.

yet, all that happens is that the cor lapis situated on the top of the pillar falls off, landing on the side of the pillar with a resounding crack. the four of your friends immediately move over to look at the now shattered chunk of cor lapis on the ground, yet you gravitate towards the stone pillar. on the spot where the cor lapis fell, a single name is etched into the stone, as if this pillar is supposed to mark a specific area.

"'xiao'?" you breathe, reading off the word on the pillar.

"what's xi-" kaeya begins, glancing over at you, but before he can finish, a flash of green appears on the opposite side of your friends. your lips part in shock as you watch the deity appear before you. a mask rests on his face and a polearm rests in his hand, yet despite his disguised face, you can sense the anger rolling off his form in waves. his green hair ruffles in the wind as his free hand reaches up to lower his mask. infuriated amber eyes pierce into yours, but the adeptus speaks before you can.

"i am adeptus xiao. how dare you mortals infringe upon jueyun karst and disrupt my land?" xiao seethes and, for once, all five of you are silent as the yaksha points his polearm at you.

taglist:

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[utapriyanderes]

Here’s the revised version:

Can you do a Yandere!HEAVENS (Eichii, Kira, Van and Yamato) when their s/o knocks them out in an act of self-defense when they're about to take things a bit too far (e.g. smashes a vase on their head). Thinking she's killed them, it causes her to flee in fright. Once she is gone, they get up and I let you decide what happens afterwards

Thank you so much for the ask and resending it in! I hope you enjoy it~!

(Edit: I wrote this then reread the ask, so this isn't necessarily out of self defense and just something they decided to try to get out of their captivity, but I still hope you enjoy it either way and if you would like it to be self defense then I can try again and you can just resend it. Though I hope you still enjoy it!)

Eiichi Otori:

    I ran out of the house as fast as I could. I quickly go into the garage and check to see which car this key works for before finding the right one. I'm quick to go into it and drive off, far away from this place. I don't take a single look back, taking in a long deep breath of air accepting my new found freedom.

    Part of me can't believe I actually did it! All it took was a swift hit in the back of the head with the alarm clock and then he instantly went down. I can't help but to laugh to myself at the whole ordeal. Why haven't I tried that sooner? Though it doesn't matter now since he can't take me back. He's dead after all.

    With that thought I drive. I drive as far away as I can until I need gas in the car. Thankfully I took his wallet with me so I can fill up the car and keep going. When the tank is full I go inside and pay the cashier the proper amount. I leave the store and start to walk back, but someone grabs me. They put a hand over my mouth and pull me into a dark corner where no lights are.

    "Did you really think it could be that easy Angel?" I can't help but to tense at that voice.

    "How about we go back home and talk this out?" I hear his voice right beside my ear. I start to kick and scream, anything to be noticed so I don't have to go back with him. Though no one is getting gas this late at night, and the cashier most likely can't hear me. So I'm stuck being dragged by him, being placed into the same car I drove away with. He puts me in the backseat and buckles me in. He then handcuffs my wrists to the top of the front passenger seat so I can't unbuckle myself.

    He then moves to the driver's seat and starts the car. He glances back at me with a smile on his face.

    "How about we go for a drive first? I should let you experience this one last time before I truly put you in a cage Angel."

Kira Sumeragi:

    I shift my eyes over from the back of his head to the vase full of flowers right beside me. He made the vase himself and gifted it to me to tell me how much he loves me. Though if he loves me then why would he keep me locked up like this? Which is also why I have to do this. If he loves me then he will understand.

    I grab the vase slowly to not disturb the quietness of the room. I take the flowers and place them back down. Then slowly I move towards him. As soon as I'm close enough I raise the vase as much as I can then smash it over his head. He goes down right then and there.

    I'm quick to then go find the keys and slip on my shoes. I put the front door key in the lock and turn it. Hearing the satisfaction of the door unlocking, I run out into the cool night. I'm so happy with being free that I don't even know where to run to. I just run and feel the fresh chilly breeze go across my cheeks as I run around aimlessly.

    I finally stop once I need to catch my breath. I stop by a lamp post and start to figure out a location to go to. Anywhere where people are should be good. In fact I should probably go to the police station, but I don't want to end up in another jail if I'm blamed for killing my "boyfriend" despite it being self defense. So I think it over. After a moment of thinking I reason that somewhere crowded would be the best option, but now to find somewhere that is crowded this late at night.

    Then, in the darkness of the night I see something move out of the corner of my eye. I look over in the direction I saw it coming from but see nothing. I can feel fear starting to creep up within me and decide that it's best to keep moving. Even though he's not around anymore, it doesn't mean someone else isn't here. So I start running, though I don't go far.

    I'm pulled back into someone and can feel something being placed over my mouth, a cloth with some weird smelling chemicals on it, but chemicals I know all too well.

    "It's... alright… (Y/N)... I'm here… for you… now." Those words in that voice are the only thing I remember hearing before my eyelids droop down and close. Then quickly after, I fall limp into his arms.

Van Kiryuin:

    I slowly back up. I look down at his lifeless body and drop the bat that I used to do it. After looking at him for a good minute I run as fast as I can. As soon as I'm out I grab the bike against "our" place and start pedaling. I pedal until I feel safe enough to finally slow down.

    I take a moment to consider my options before stopping at a diner that still seems to be open. I pedal up and then put the bike in the bicycle rack before entering. I walk past the one other customer in there and head towards a corner table. I quickly pick up the menu to look at what they have to offer. While looking at the food my stomach lets out a loud growl. Disrupting the quiet atmosphere.

    Though instead of being embarrassed I just end up ordering my food when the waitress comes by. Then as soon as my food comes, I dig right in. By the time I'm done with my satisfying meal I hear someone else come in. I don't pay much notice to who it is as I get up to go pay. Except all of a sudden, I'm called out to.

    "Hey, (N/N)-chan! I'm so happy to see that you're safe n' sound!" When I hear his voice it makes me almost want to lurch up all the food I just ate.

    "Don't worry, I'll cover this one." He flashes me a smile and pays for my meal. I use this opportunity to go outside and grab my bike. Yet when I go to pull it out I can't move it. I try to pull at it a few times but find it no use. I take a closer look and see that it's locked in place. Letting out a shaky breath I decide to start running, but before I can, he grabbed my wrist.

    "Van, please…," I start pleading with him. He lets out a soft chuckle, "It's alright (N/N)-chan! Let's go back home and talk this out. There's nothin' a little talkin' can't fix after all."

Yamato Hyuga:

    I run and run as long as it takes me away from him. I pass street lights and buildings knowing with each step I'll be farther away from him and a step closer to safety. Even when my feet need a rest and my lungs are burning for me to stop, I keep going. I might be free now and he may be dead, but it doesn't mean I'm actually safe.

    Though eventually I do stop. I hunch over to catch my breath once I can't take it anymore. A block up ahead I notice an entrance for a nightclub. I decide to go up a little and sneak in with a crowd of people going in. Once inside I'm hit with the loud atmosphere and can smell the booze coming from some people surrounding me. I decide to go hide in a corner of the bar and just observe everything for now and to take a short rest. As soon as I'm feeling better I'll head out once again.

    I look around the venue but mostly stay focused on the front after finding a back exit door if needed. I also wave off the bartender knowing that I'll need to stay focused. I end up thanking myself for it a minute later when I see him walking in. My heart can't help but to drop. Yet quietly I get off my stool and start to make my way onto the dance floor in hopes the crowd and flashing lights will cover me.

    I then start to make my way towards the back exit but in the middle of making my way there I feel someone grab my arm. My heart picks up speed as I turn around. Orange eyes are staring back at me. He gives me a smirk before looking up to notice the door that I was going towards. He then pushes me along as gently as he can until we are out of the club.

    As soon as we are out I try to yank myself free from him, "L-Let go of me!" I shout at him also in hopes someone might hear. He's quick to cover my mouth with one of his hands.

    "Did you really think a pot was going to do me in? It takes a lot more than that to get rid of me." Yamato looks at me challengingly. I glare back into his orange orbs trying to spread to him my distaste.

    "Heh, I'll forgive you this once. If ya don't make a sound as I bring ya back home." I don't want to give in. I want my freedom. Yet I know that if I don't give in then I'll have even less freedom than he already gives me at home. I refuse to be kept in a cage that small, so I give him a nod, making him remove his hand. He then moves his other hand from my upper arm to my hand.

    "Let's get going then." We start to walk hand in hand back home. To anyone who passes us by they probably see a couple taking a midnight stroll together… but if only they knew what this relationship really was.

[jjaeong]

The Heiress, And The Twelve. Act I.

Episode VI: To Be Deceived, Or Protected.

Series: KPOP Girl Group: 이달의 소녀 (LOONA).

Pairing: OT12 & Mafia Heiress Female Reader.

Summary: While the members residing with The Heiress in Eden managed to resolve her internal conflict about who she was and who she had deemed herself should be—Haseul, along with Sooyoung and Jinsol, discovers a certain string of information that could potentially lead to a much more greater complication than they had ever encountered before. And as Jinsol finally reconciled with Sooyoung after the incident, Hyejoo and Heejin find themselves stunned as they come across your room—realizing that something had been missing in the vicinity, with that something being you.

"Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be with the members?"

Jinsol had just managed to set her foot on the top of the staircase when she met the sight of the distressed Ninth member who had lingered in the hall that led to the boss' office, pinching the bridge of her nose in clear disbelief with the disrupted idea that only she was called by Haseul for the meeting. It's been days since the Leader had regarded her request to be removed in any missions with the Seventh member, being that she was still sensitive over what had just happened with the incident—Jinsol had already been walking through thin ice with her miscalculation, but Sooyoung's projected anger towards the woman intensified when Jungeun had informed them of your order to be left alone. And as much as she was relieved that both her member, and her adoptive sister were safe—Sooyoung couldn't shake off her impression that you had not been unscathed, because physically, you and Hyejoo were well, but your order was the effect of the event which she had deemed also as her own error with being one of the Twelve.

The Seventh member, however, no matter how many times she had blamed herself for it, she had understood Sooyoung's hostility towards her and knew that it was absolutely justified—from all those years that the members had grown together, she knew well enough that the woman was as emotional as she could get, more so for the people she cared for the most. But the Seventh could only take so much, she had somewhat prepared herself for the the member's response—yet she still couldn't avoid condemning herself over it, for the most part being Sooyoung not wanting anything to do with her.

And as Sooyoung stood there, leaned back against the hall's wall with her arms crossed and her brows knitted in apparent frustration while looking the other way—Jinsol could only manage a hesitant smile as she tried her best to swallow down the bitter aura between the two of them, before directing her weary gaze towards the tall double doors at the end of the hall. Slightly taken aback by how isolated the scene had looked from their position, which meant that the Leader had not yet arrived—making Sooyoung the first person to have been called by Haseul, and Jinsol quickly becoming the second.

"Is it.. Just the two of us..?"

"She just told me to meet her here, and that she'll be arriving shortly from her visit with our guests," Sooyoung muttered, practically scoffing at the mention of the Lee Family that had been staying in the Mansion as they awaited for their Boss' recovery. The younger of the two winced at the recollection of when they'd first arrived at the infirmary with the Lee Family's Boss, and how Sooyoung raised her tone at Haseul for the first time since she'd been appointed as Acting Boss after declining Sooyoung's plea to head straight to Eden—which led to the Ninth member into defying the Leader's instruction and driving all the way to the castle, just to be pulled aside by a stone-faced Jungeun, "but you still haven't answered my question—why are you here?"

"I don't see why I shouldn't be..? Haseul did ask for me—"

"I specifically told her that I don't want to be in any operation with you right now—and for what? Suddenly she doesn't listen anymore?" Jinsol would be lying if she said that hearing those words come right out of Sooyoung's mouth didn't hurt her, she swore that when this member of theirs was mad she knew exactly how to do so—but to be on the opposite end of the woman's livid state, Jinsol had never experienced to be this ridiculed by her. The silence that had come after Sooyoung's sharp words even made the member glance at Jinsol from the corner of her eye, finding her head hanging low as she picked on her blue pin on her tie in deep contemplation—slightly irritating Sooyoung even further because the Ninth had known that the habit was common with the members since they'd acquired their pins, holding onto the object when they couldn't seem to find it in themselves to assess a situation in their own way.

"Maybe we're not on a mission as a pair, probably.. A reschedule? Change of posts? Haseul assigning you to my spot—and me with yours?" Sooyoung gripped onto the fabric of her sleeve as Jinsol began to straighten her tie, which she had done several times before looking behind her to the staircase below—as if Haseul would just magically appear out of thin air and cut through the tension between the two of them, saving them from possibly making it worse than it already was.

"That's great, maybe then Y/N wouldn't be in as much trouble as she'd be if she was under my range of security." Jinsol frowned at the malicious tone that the Ninth had suddenly switched into, making her turn to eye the member who still refused to meet the clear regret plastered all over her features—while Sooyoung continued to glare at the nothingness that had seemed to have kept her attention more than the member currently standing right in front of her.

"Sooyoung.."

"Just admit it, Jinsol—you despise her. You don't want her to be our Boss because she's nothing of what you expect her to be—it's a full circle to what happened the day we told her everything, you want her gone." Sooyoung spat as her member flinched, making Jinsol shaking her head in attempt to relay the message to Sooyoung that it was nothing of that sort.

"That's not true—I care about her just as much as you do!" the Seventh stammered, completely taken aback by how she had been suddenly accused for having felt something that she had not.

"She was in the lot! You could've prevented it even before he approached her—"

"And you think I don't go every single day thinking about that!?" Sooyoung's furious eyes snapped to connect with Jinsol's exasperated ones, the Seventh's demeanor looking as frustrated as she could get with her hands balled up into fists hanging by her sides while her eyes stayed connected with her member's, "We've never had any complications with our group since the beginning, and ever since Y/N came in the picture—it's as if the least we can do is not turn against each other."

"Oh, and that makes it her fault? Is that what you're trying to say?

"I'm trying my best to understand—alright!? I thought we can continue this Family without having her in the picture, but.." Jinsol tore her eyes away from Sooyoung's to think carefully about her next words, having an inkling that whatever she may say next would be enough to tip Sooyoung off the edge and tarnish her reputation completely—or in some sort of miracle, she'd be able to properly express what she had wanted to say, "I didn't want any of that to happen—I swear that if I could have stopped it in all the ways I've calculated it after, I would've. But it's already done, I messed up and the only thing I can do is try to make up for it with Y/N—for as long as she'll have me, and if she can't forgive me for what I've done then.."

Sooyoung lowered her eyes at Jinsol who shrugged her shoulders in defeat, sighing when she thought that the apology didn't go exactly as she'd expect it to be. She'd thought that once she laid her heart out, it'd go as smoothly and sincerely as she'd thought—but instead, she felt that the reason for Sooyoung's silence was that she had taken her words in the complete opposite. Her words being taken under the impression that she was over it, that she didn't care as much as she said she did—causing the gap between her and the members that had your well-being as the priority to broaden, when she had just warmed up to the idea that she had wanted the same thing as well.

The Ninth member eyed the struggling woman in front of her, it was clear that Jinsol was incessantly thinking through what she had just told her and continuously trying to criticize her choices of wording—but as much as Sooyoung hated the thought that had led her into blaming Jinsol for what had happened, the greater part of her that believes that the members would never do each other wrong was pushing past her projected anger. This wasn't them against a common enemy anymore, this was Sooyoung's protectiveness over you—against her protectiveness over her members, but instead of it mostly being directed towards the Lee Family's Boss, she had Jinsol to blame. And that was what caused her inner turmoil, Jinsol is her member and a member that had been one of the reasons that put you and Hyejoo in danger—but Jinsol was just as much as a member as the others, yet there Sooyoung stood, continuously reminding her that she had messed up and she needs to feel the consequences of her ignorance.

Sooyoung then realized that Jinsol had already been going through the motions just as she'd been, and it was unfair of how she was quick to blame her for it—when Sooyoung had no idea about what was about to come until Hyunjin had some sort of vision.

"Well—apologize to her, not me," Jinsol practically choked at Sooyoung's mumbled response, feeling the weight of her worries fall off her shoulders as she watched Sooyoung shake her head at her and detach herself from the wall—slipping a hand into the pocket of her dress pants as she placed the other to her neck, craning it as if to stretch in exhaustion. The member still had a pout set on her lips but her brows were anything but furrowed, just looking drained from the encounter—while Jinsol slowly started to fall apart in her position, "you can start by how you acted in our living room, then with whatever happened with the Lee Boss. She's not the type to hold a grudge, you know—yah! Jung Jinsol, get off me—"

"I thought you'd never forgive me! I apologized so many times and you were never this mad—"

"Let go!" Jinsol continued to wail as Sooyoung's pout threatened to stretch into a grin while she tried to pry the member's arms off her, opening her mouth to start threatening the Seventh. But just as she was about to, light footsteps started echoing from the steps behind Jinsol and soon after revealed an absorbed looking Haseul—which had seemed to be caught off guard at the sight as she blinked at the two who just froze in their spot and stared right back at her, Haseul's eyes softened only for a moment before they dimmed yet again.

Looking away from the two, Haseul motioned over to the end of the hall before starting to make her way past them.

"You've made up, good. Follow me." the youngest of the three started to walk down the halls, which made Jinsol release Sooyoung from her hold before they both hurried to trail behind the Leader—eyeing each other in question about what had the member in such state, Sooyoung could only hope that it was just something connected to the Lee Boss and nothing more.

As Haseul pulled the key out of her pocket, Sooyoung had remembered that the last time all twelve of them were inside the office was when Haseul had first sat herself into the Boss' chair—how she carefully laid out what specific orders the previous Boss stated before he had passed, and how they would slowly but surely make sure you were well acquainted with a few members. Haseul also swore that it would also be the last time that she were to set foot inside of the office, not finding it comfortable how she would occupy the room as if it were her own when her purpose was to have you settled into your rightful place.

And as if Jinsol could hear Sooyoung's thoughts coursing through her, they could only wonder how much trouble the Family had caught themselves into for Haseul to break her own word.

"Shut the doors behind you, I've asked to keep this floor vacated until one of us leaves the room." Jinsol quickly turned to shut the doors behind them as Sooyoung followed behind the Leader to stand in the middle of the room while Haseul circled behind the desk to open one of it's emptied drawers, reaching far into the compartment as if rummaging to find anything that had not been in there in the first place.

"Are you looking for something?" Jinsol question as she stood beside Sooyoung who eyed the Leader suspiciously, the two watching Haseul shut the drawer to then move to another.

"What are you even doing, Haseul?" the light sound of a click echoed through the spacious, and moonlit office that had Haseul tensing up on her spot. Jinsol made a move to approach to the woman and lend her a hand but Sooyoung grabbed ahold of her arm before she could even do anything, the two members carefully watching as Haseul pulled out what seemed to be a thick stack of papers—jaw clenched while she placed them on the desk before looking up the puzzled expression on her members' features.

"Lee Seokmin has returned to his conscious state today, he refused to speak with the doctors and requested to speak with the one he perceived as the Family's Boss. And so I paid him a visit," Haseul shut the drawer to fully grab the stack from the desk, eyeing the papers before walking over to the two and meeting them in the middle of the room, "he was convinced that I was Y/N, stating that he couldn't believe that the previous Boss' plan worked—how he kept the Heiress safe by letting her live a normal life outside of the Family, all while being protected from the other Families."

Jinsol paled as Sooyoung let go of her arm, eyes widening in alarm while Haseul stood in front of them with a vacant expression on her face.

"He asked me if I knew about it, when I found out about it—confessing that he knew about the documentation because he had overheard it once from the Jeon Family that the Heiress was being watched."

"We were watching over her, but I thought the documents were supposed to be discarded after the Boss' passing?" Jinsol barely questioned as her voice failed her, switching her eyes from Haseul to Sooyoung who could only look at Jinsol with wide eyes as well.

"It was, I saw through with it. Haseul, Vivi-unnie and I were the ones present when it was erased."

"He wasn't talking about our documents, he was talking about this." Haseul motioned to the papers in her hand, it didn't take too long of the three to stare at each other before Sooyoung reached over to grab the papers and start inspecting each and every page—feeling lightheaded at the information that she had read from it, how as if every page she had skimmed through just continued to reveal a deeper story behind the minimal observation reports that they had set for you.

The papers dated back up to four years prior to the previous Boss' passing, several pictures of you, Jungeun, and Jiwoo were practically on each page of the stack—the lightest conversations, passed homework, your every move was typed down as if they were studying not a living human being but a test subject. Through the documentation, it seemed as if you weren't the Y/L/N Y/N that the members had made a point on learning to care for and to believe that you'd lead them into a better future—but rather a statistic in which would demonstrate if you were fit in becoming a Boss for the highest ranking Family there ever was, and ever will be if you had truly had what it takes.

Whoever had created this document, only had that particular version of the Heiress in mind—and it made Sooyoung feel sick to her stomach.

"Who.. did this? How did you even know this exists!?" Sooyoung's voice started to raise as she looked up at the torn expression on Haseul's face, making Jinsol take a step in between the two to try and calm the Ninth member down while also turning to glance at the Leader behind her—but as Sooyoung started to prod Haseul with questions while waving the papers in her hand, Haseul swallowed sharply before looking up to meet the the concerned look on Jinsol's face.

"I didn't."

Haseul's words echoed in Sooyoung's head, and before she knew it—she had let the papers fall onto the ground, pushed past Jinsol to reach for Haseul's collar to aggressively grab ahold of her. However, Jinsol was quick to recover after staggering back—attempting to pry Sooyoung off of the Third member by wrapping an arm around the Ninth's waist and tugging her off the Leader.

"You—you're our Leader! You can't just tell us you have no clue! our lives are dependent on your choices—and you have the audacity to tell us you don't know!?"

"I thought I had properly vacated this room after we all left—that was the last time I've been here, it was all the previous Boss had instructed me.." Haseul barely whispered, crumbling under Sooyoung's hold to the point that it was the member that had been keeping her up on her feet—making Sooyoung snap out of her fuming state to watch the dread sink into her member's features, "he told me where everything was, the archives we needed—I thought he told me everything I needed to know, I was appointed Leader for this."

"Sooyoung, she doesn't know." Jinsol dragged out slowly as she loosened her grip over her member, walking towards Haseul and prying the Ninth's hands off completely from the Leader—all while keeping Haseul up on her feet by wrapping an arm around her shoulder, leading her to the desk so she had a place to lean on.

"The Twelve, Y/L/N Y/N—that's all I know, you have to believe me."

"We do, Haseul—Sooyoung's just in shock, we'll figure this whole thing out. Right, Ha Sooyoung?" the Ninth continued to stare at the two, absolutely mortified that they were currently easing themselves into uncharted waters—completely unknowing of what would come, but only to prepare themselves for whatever it may be. Sooyoung caught Jinsol switching her gaze from Haseul to the papers on the ground, the Seventh seemingly the more composed member out of the two—and as if moving completely out of practice, Sooyoung bended over to grab the papers and walk over to Jinsol to hand it to her.

"What do you suggest we do?" Jinsol's eyes widened at the blank, yet expectant look that Sooyoung held as she offered her the papers—glancing at Haseul who had now held onto the desk as if her life had depended on it, before she caught onto what exactly it was that Sooyoung was trying convey. With Haseul's Leadership position becoming nothing of aid to the members as of her current state, Sooyoung wanted them to work it out as a group instead of letting the woman carry all of this on her own. So Jinsol grabbed the papers from her hand, eyeing the front page and skipping to the last as she followed her gut—having a relieved sigh escaped her lips as she pointed a finger at the signed letter 'R' initial at the end of the page, it's ink shining under the moonlight while she directed it to Sooyoung's view.

"We can start by tracking whoever this is?"

"Alright." Jinsol gave Sooyoung a small, yet grateful smile before looking back down to scan the papers while Sooyoung turned to Haseul who sat still on the desk—completely frozen as she tried to recall every bit of information that the previous Boss had passed onto her, fingers gripping tightly onto the pin on her tie. The Ninth member reached over to place an consoling hand on the Leader's shoulder, halting mid-way but somehow going through with it—which made Haseul visibly tense but when she had found that it was Sooyoung from her peripheral vision, she just looked back down to return into her state of recollection.

"I shouldn't have lashed out, Haseul. I'm sorry."

"You have every right to be mad, I'm the appointed Leader and I can't even uphold a simple task. Even I'd be mad at myself." Jinsol snorted from behind her which made Sooyoung glance at the member, finding Jinsol eyeing Haseul from the side before flipping another page from the stack.

"You mean tracking down this profiler from just one initial? Haseul—you can't even find the right curtains to hang inside your room without Yerim." Sooyoung's lips broke into a grin which made Jinsol release a laugh, making the Leader turn to look at her members who were now laughing amongst themselves as they eyed the paper in Jinsol's hands. Haseul then looked up to find Sooyoung's careful eyes directed on her, the member giving Haseul a determined look in contrast to the Leader's downcast expression.

"You might be the Leader, but we are a team, Haseul. We'll get through this mess, with or without the previous Boss' help." Haseul tore her eyes away from Sooyoung to look back at Jinsol's thoughtful expression as the member continued to inspect the page—until she found Haseul watching her, so she gave her an encouraging look before raising a fist in the air.

"Damn right we are! Fighting!"

"If you use that language in front of Y/N—I swear, Jung Jinsol—"

"Your sister is a year away from graduating High School—she's old enough to know if cussing is bad or not."

"You don't tell me how to raise my sister!"

"She's our future Boss! She can decide that for herself!" Sooyoung placed her hands on her hips as she continued to banter with Jinsol as the member continued with her task, the two completely back to the way before their feud—while Haseul watched them silently, feeling the anguish of her assumed failure as a Leader slowly dissipate as Jinsol and Sooyoung continued on. The interaction had somehow eased the Third member's worries, the sight reminding her that no matter what happened—they were still the Twelve, and with that, the world would still be turning for as long as they'd stay like this after whatever may cross their path.

"Until we've figured out who this person is, be that they're in this Family preparing for another coup—or from outside, this stays between the three of us," Haseul stated, making Jinsol's look up to clearly try and object but one pleading look from Haseul—she had known that her intentions were nothing but for their safety, "please, the more people that know about this—the harder it will be to find them. One word about this from anyone but us.."

"They'll know we're onto them—got it."

"But what do we do about Lee Seokmin and his members?" Sooyoung crossed her arms on her chest as Haseul turned to look at her, more composed than a few moments ago.

"They'll be returning to the village that Jeon passed onto them in a few days, I made sure that he didn't recognize that I wasn't the Heiress he was talking about. All he can pass to whoever he pleases is that the Y/L/N Family's Heiress is back in her rightful place." Haseul concluded as Sooyoung released a heavy sigh, looking at Jinsol yet again but this time—Jinsol had lingered over one specific page.

"What is it?" Sooyoung leaned over to check at what the member was staring at, which made Haseul completely turn to peek as well when Jinsol practically gripped onto the stack in worry.

"From the beginning of the document, they never mentioned any names—they even labelled Jiwoo and Jungeun as Upperclassmen A, and Upperclassmen B," Jinsol placed a finger on a specific sentence on the paper before looking up at Haseul and Sooyoung, "'4:35PM: The Heiress returns home. Property under the name of 'Ha', a civilian household consisting of two adults and three daughters.'"

"Don't tell me—"

"Who ever this 'R' person is—they know exactly which one of us is the Heiress."

Hyejoo had just shut the door to Jungeun's empty room, signalling the end of her morning rounds which consisted of surveying the vacated rooms of the members that typically headed to school approximately two hours before her—when she had realized that today marked the fifth day since the incident, which made it Wednesday. And Wednesdays were different, because in that specific day Yeojin and Yerim would accompany Jungeun and Jiwoo for early morning Student Council. With Yerim being the President of her class, and Yeojin being her own—Jungeun had briefly talked the two into either occupying their roles once they've graduated, or at least being part of it.

The two Maknaes were quick to take her up for it, being that they had fit the credentials well—they'd agree without a doubt, but that had meant that every Wednesday, Hyejoo would only have to drive her and Chaewon to class. And it wasn't that she wasn't on good terms with her Gowon-unnie, it was quite the opposite—because every Wednesday morning would be Chaewon asking Hyejoo about how she's been, and how she had felt about whatever had happened the days before. Somehow, it had slightly bothered Hyejoo that she had always started off their conversation in that manner since Yeojin and Yerim rode with the two Unnies—but the ride had seemed to grow on her once she realized that the Eleventh member wasn't shooting up a conversation to fill the silence, but to genuinely ask Hyejoo how she's been.

Park Chaewon had surprisingly seemed to have understood her even in that alley, which was something that goes over Hyejoo's head sometimes.

The Twelfth's eyes seamlessly connected with your door in the middle of the hall as the recollection of the alley felt similar to what happened that day, and being that only room in that specific hall was only occupied by you—with Haseul, Sooyoung, Jinsol, and Kahei being everywhere at once, the closest member that could reach you incase of an emergency was Jungeun, because her room was the closest to yours. Hyejoo started to make her way to your room almost subconciously to check up on you when she was met by the unusual sight of Jeon Heejin who was never usually awake this early in the morning, already dressed in her uniform—glowing as if she'd just awakened to the greatest sleep she's ever had, her eyes even widening in surprise as she found Hyejoo coming from the other end of the hall.

"Son Hyejoo! Good morning!" Heejin waved enthusiastically with both hands outstretched, making the Maknae scrunch her nose up in distaste as Heejin grinned adoringly—eyes turning into crescents while she continued to her venture into your room, the sound of her footsteps lightly decreasing as she neared. The First member carefully twisted the handle to peek into your room, her smile impossibly widening as she expected to be greeted by the sight of you laying on your side with Jeon Stitchie and Hyunjin's Shiba Inu—only for her to squint her eyes through the darkness to find the two stuffed toys but not even the top of your head revealing from the covers in sight.

"Y/N-ah~?" Hyejoo heard Heejin call from her position, slightly peeking through the door frame, making the Twelfth member furrow her brows and stand behind the member just as she had flipped the light switch on—illuminating the empty room before walking inside and making her way over to the door that lead to your bathroom, pushing it open to find it unoccupied as well. Heejin continued to scan the room, even getting down on her knees by your bed to check if you were under it as Hyejoo stayed put by your door—watching her Unnie's puzzled features slowly turn into concern just as she saw someone approaching by her peripheral vision, she turned to find an equally confused Chaewon standing next to her before the Eleventh turned to her.

"Have you seen Vivi-unnie?"

"Did you just come from the Surveillance room?" Hyejoo questioned in reply, but before Chaewon could even get a word out—Kahei appeared from the end of the hall, seemingly reading a book while doing her rounds as she donned her reading glasses. Heejin had managed to slide past the two members just as Kahei was about to walk past them, making the woman look up from her book to eye the startled trio in wonder.

"What's with all the worried looks? Did something happen?" Kahei asked softly, making Hyejoo and Chaewon exchange glances while Heejin looked at your empty room before looking back at Kahei.

"Unnie, Y/N's not in her room." Heejin stated in a tone that had slowly started to reflect her dismay, but as Kahei tilted her head at the three something flashed in her eyes before she stared directly at Heejin—as if she should've known.

"Of course she isn't, she already left with Jungeun and Jiwoo. Why? Is there something I should be worried about?" Hyejoo's eyes widened in surprise as Heejin mouth popped open at Kahei's nonchalant reply, Chaewon was the only one of the three who had managed to not be surprised—considering that she had been looking for the Fifth member to ask why she had been the one to send you and the other members off as she watched a replay of the cameras just as she had woke up.

"You let her go, just like that?"

"I didn't see a problem with it—she had me convinced, afterall," Chaewon raised a brow at Kahei, to which the member only smiled at before walking past the bewildered Heejin and Hyejoo and return to reading her book as she walked down the hall, "Heejin, it must be some miracle that you woke up before Hyunjin—but if you don't wake her up you'll both be late to class. You two should start getting ready as well, Hyejoo, Chaewon."

The three members watched as Kahei disappeared from the hallway, turning to face each other briefly before hastily doing as the member had told. Heejin switched the lights off and shut the door before speed-walking down the hall to Hyunjin's room—pounding her fist against the door the second she reached it and tugging on the handle as she followed by calling her member's name. On the other side of the door, Hyunjin had already been awake, she was just about ready to leave—all she needed was to attach her pin onto her tie which she had quickly finished, so she grabbed her bag from her desk to pull the door open and roll her eyes at the sight of her aggrievated best friend.

"I get it—you woke up before me for the first time in years, you don't have to shove it to my face." Hyunjin pushed past Heejin who was trying to catch her breath, breathing in deeply before stopping Hyunjin dead on her tracks with what she was just about to say.

"Y/N isn't in her room—she left with Jungeun-unnie and Jiwoo-unnie to school!"

"..She what?"

Greetings,

I hope this message finds you well—sike with the formalities, it's a tumblr post, there's no need for that. But what this Author's Note actually needs is.. An apology (even though I came clear with you all if you've read through the first chapter to not be too attached with this story) because it's been over two months since my last story update!

But in all honesty, I'm not even sure if it had actually been two months or.. A month and a few days—but still! Am I back? Maybe~ What could JJ have been possibly doing to go MIA for this long? Real life stuff, but mostly the overwhelming feeling of Orbit twitter that's.. Something, a true bit of love and hate between that.

It's actually funny how many Episode VI's I've wrote before properly settling with this one, the first draft had too many new characters involved (spoilers for who they are? I'm sure if you've read a few LOONA fics—it's just in between those lines), the second and nth were all too messy—and so there's this one! I think it's a nice turn, considering that this is the half of Act I. and I literally just wrote this in one go again, I really can't believe myself at this point.

Though I think most of our new readers that are following this blog is more into the OS spectrum—so I should maybe start leaving posts? Like.. Talk? But it's not really my thing, having posts up but it's just me talking about God knows what—I don't really know how to feel about it.

I'm getting way over ahead of myself again, so yeah. I truly hope you guys are doing well out there, what's happening outside of these social media platforms is absolutely petrifying—I made this blog as an outlet to express how much I love the girls but you can't escape the crippling truth that is reality itself. This world is unforgiving even to those who had never done anything drastically wrong, and for a writer to not have the proper words to express how they truly feel about what's happening around them.. Please take care of yourselves, and I'm sorry for not being able to find the right words for this.

Laters,

JJ.

>ovc: loonatheworld (200316).

https://youtu.be/U5z35vxC9bs

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[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

invisible strings

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years

Word count: 3401

[ a/n: thank you so much for all the love and support. We’re almost done with this series! If I forgot to tag you please let me know! Also the ending is a bit lackluster but decided to save the best one for something special for the last chapter]

Age: 21

Year: June/July 2015

Location: CA & NY

"Thank-you all for coming and christening our new place," Thor thanks everyone, as he and Loki stood up at the dining table in their lit up backyard.

"Now there's one person I want to thank, my love," Thor said, reaching his hand out to Wanda who was sat to his left, Loki took his seat back down, "My love, I just want to thank-you for being by my side these last two years. I have never been as happy as I am with anyone else. Now I'm not very good with my words, but what I do know is how I feel about you. The love I have for you exceeds anything else."

"So, I just need to ask you this one question," he says, bending down on one knee, holding Wanda's left hand, while holding the ring box in the other, "Will you, Wanda Maximoff marry me?

"Yes," she cried out, throwing her arms around Thor's neck.

Everyone got up to cheer the newly engaged couple.

Steve and Elizabeth laid naked in her bed, comfortably in each other's presence after the night's activities.

"I can't believe Wanda and Thor are engaged," Elizabeth said, as Steve rubbed her arm as she laid on his chest.

"He's been talking about it for the last year," Steve tells her, "Said he didn't want to scare her off."

"Guess I'm going to have to find a new roommate," she jokes.

"Well actually, I was thinking."

"You better not be proposing to me post sex, while we're naked in bed," Elizabeth playfully jabbed his chest, looking up at him from his chest.

"No, no," Steve lets out a hearty laugh, "Not yet. We still have time for that."

"I was actually thinking, why don't we get a place together. After graduation," Steve suggests.

"What about your job?"

"I can commute," he says, "I'll be done with school in May. You still have law school after graduation, and I have no doubt Stanford is going to accept you into their law program, so you don't have to move."

"What if I don't get accepted?"

"I highly doubt you won't, but if you don't, I'm sure Columbia will snatch you up. And I'd follow you, wherever you go."

"Really?" Elizabeth asked, surprised he would even say that.

"Yeah. There's a lot of architect firms out there, and I'm sure my boss will give me a nice recommendation."

"I couldn't ask that of you Steve," Elizabeth said, getting off of his chest to sit up, grabbing the blanket to cover her chest.

"Which is why I'm offering. I want to do that Liz. This right here," he sits up, and gestures to the both, "This is all I want. So please, if it comes time for that, just let me."

"Okay. Promise you won't resent me?" She asks, feeling overwhelmed with emotion.

"Never," he seriously says, pulling her in for a kiss, and back into his arms.

As they laid in bed, Steve notices Liz is lost in her thoughts.

"Whatcha thinking about?"

"Us, and everything that's lead us to this moment. Like there were some invisible strings leading me to you," she tells him.

"Yeah, you're correct," he ponders.

"Like everything that's happened, happened for a reason. We weren't supposed to be with each other then otherwise we probably wouldn't have made it out of high school."

"You don't think?" Steve asked.

"No, because we wouldn't have been the people we are now. Let's be real here Steve, you and I are not Bucky or Peggy. We're dreamers. Full on happy ending believing people who happened to be with realists at the time. We would've been so naive about the world outside of Brooklyn," Elizabeth says.

"We had never truly experienced pain in the way that we did. If we didn't go through senior year the way that we did, we wouldn't be here. Not specifically together or in California. But we would be stuck in a life where we forced ourselves to be happy. Where we didn't have room to grow. Room to experience a different way of life. We would've been who we were as 16 year olds. And don't get me wrong but that's no way to be."

"I'm glad this happened when it did," she says tilting her head to look at Steve's face.

"Me too," he smiled kissing the top of her head.

"Wow, my arm is so tired from lugging this ring around," Wanda announces walking into Elizabeth's room where she was packing things into a suitcase.

"Must be so exhausting," Liz teases as Wanda takes a seat on her bed.

"Incredibly," Wanda smiled, "How's the packing going?"

"Good, I have everything I'll need for the next two weeks," Liz tells her, "You guys are flying in two days before Steve's birthday right?"

"Yup! Thor seems to be more excited about Steve turning 21 than he is," Wanda laughs, "Next up will be you next month. Vegas won't be ready for us."

"Thor really is going out for all of our 21st birthdays, is he."

"He's excited we're all legally allowed to drink," Wanda says.

"So," Wanda shifted in her seat, "Are you guys going to the baby shower?"

"Yeah we are," Liz nodded her head, "Things have been better, and Steve really wants to be there for Bucky, and so do I."

"How are you feeling about it all?"

"Honestly, if Bucky is happy then so am I."

"It doesn't bother you even the slightest that he's having a baby with the woman he cheated on you with?"

"No," Liz shakes her head, "We've both moved on and grew from our situation. I'm happy with Steve, truly 100% happy. I know in my heart that Steve is the one."

"Whoa, wait, back that up," Wanda immediately shot up from her spot on the bed, "He's the one?"

"Yeah," Liz bascule smiles, her cheeks turning a slight pink.

"I mean, I knew that you loved him, but I don't think you've ever said out loud that he was the one."

Elizabeth shrugs her shoulders trying to fight off the huge grin that wants to spread across her face, "Well he is."

"Wow, umm this is great news," Wanda says looking around the room.

"What's wrong?" Liz asks taking in Wanda's sudden mood change.

"I just," Wanda coughed, trying to fight back the ball in her throat, her eyes tearing up, "I'm so happy for you. God this ring is making me incredibly emotional."

"Aw Wands," Elizabeth pulled her into a hug.

"You just deserve to be with someone who truly thinks the world of you and would move those worlds for you," Wanda cries in Liz's shoulder, "I just remember you telling me all about the shit you went through with Bucky in high school, and then the crap he put you through freshman year. You were just so over the idea of love. Even with steve you were so cautious, so just to hear you say that he's the one. I'm just so incredibly happy."

Elizabeth hugged Wanda tightly, tears streaming down her face. It meant the world to her to hear Wanda say those things. She felts so incredibly lucky to have a friends like her in her life.

"I better be your maid of honor," Wanda teased pulling away and wiping her tears, "Because you already know you're mine."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"We still need to get a baby shower gift for tomorrow," Elizabeth told Steve as they lounged around his childhood bedroom. Steve was sat at his desk sketching, while Elizabeth laid in his bed reading a book.

"I can do that if you want," Steve offered, not wanting to make Elizabeth uncomfortable no matter how many times she's told him she was fine.

"Somehow I don't think I can trust you getting the correct gift," Elizabeth teased.

"Babies like legos right?" He teased back, getting up to join her on the bed, laying his head down on her stomach.

"We can go together, I still need to get a few things for the party next weekend," she said playing with his hair.

Steve hummed in response, feeling himself getting tired, "A quick little nap and we'll go."

"Sounds good," she smiled at the man snuggled up on her.

The next day the couple were walking into the Barnes' backyard, hand-in-hand with a gift bag.

They were both instantly greeted by Bucky's mother Winnie.

"Oh you two made it!" She enthusiastically greeted them, pulling them both into a hug.

"Of course. We wouldn't have missed it," Steve smiled at her.

"Thank-you," she turned to Liz and grabbed her hand, "both of you. James really appreciates it. We all do. Especially with everything that has happened, he's going to need his best friends."

"You don't have to thank us," Liz says, "We'll always be there for Bucky. No matter what happens."

"Well thank-you," she smiles, and then turns to Steve, "Steve the men have been sent inside, so you can see your way inside."

"Already getting pushed aside," he jokes.

He placed a kiss on Elizabeth's cheek, "I'll be inside if you need me."

She nodded her head, then glanced around the yard and caught eye contact with an old high school classmate, Natasha's friend, rolling her eyes at the couple.

She cleared her throat, "Where do the gifts go?"

"Over at that table where Rebecca is at," Winnie smiled, and pointed to the table to the right where Rebecca was organizing all the gifts. Liz thanked her and made her way over.

Liz couldn't help but start to feel a bit uncomfortable. She hadn't planned for she and Steve to be separated for the entire party. She didn't really know anyone here, aside from Bucky's family, where things were still a bit awkward after last summer.

Even though things were good between Steve, Bucky, and her, it was still awkward. She and Natasha don't have the best history, they still haven't talked everything out, clear the air. Not that Nat owed Elizabeth a conversation, she just thought that now that things were okay, maybe them two can work on their relationship, for the sake of Bucky. But whenever Liz tried to reach out Nat would just say that she was busy, so she didn't push it. Not with Natasha being pregnant, plus she figured now that she was in town for two weeks that maybe they could get together for a quick chat.

"Hey Liz," Rebecca greeted her, a sigh of relief to see a friendly face.

"Hey Bec," she smiled, hugging the teen.

"God, I'm so glad to see you," Rebecca said pulling back from the hug, "Some of these girls are real bitches."

Liz was taken back for a second hearing Rebecca swear, it's sometimes hard to believe that tiny little toddler is now this young lady about to enter her senior year of high school.

"I'm sure they're not so bad," Liz said trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

"Really? Because they're looking at you like you just murdered their entire family," Rebecca said.

Elizabeth turned around to see Natasha's friends huddled in a semi-circle around Natasha, all whispering and glaring at her. She turned back around to Rebecca and gave her a force smile.

Rebecca felt bad at bringing that to Liz's attention. Liz was always so nice to her, and even continues to keep in contact with her especially when Rebecca needs any help or advice.

"I can take that," she said trying to change the subject.

"Thank-you," she quietly said, handing over the gift bag to Rebecca.

"They're just jealous," Rebecca tells her, "Even with having my brother's child, Natasha still can't find it in her cold hearted heart to be nice to you."

"She doesn't owe me anything."

"Now that's not true. She owes you a lot, and the least she can do is be nice, especially with my mother throwing her this baby shower and allowing her to live with us until she and Bucky find a place."

"She's living here?" Elizabeth asked, surprised to hear that. Bucky never mentioned Nat living with them, they did know that they were looking at places closer to his job and school.

"Yeah, she moved in probably two months ago, when she really started to show," Rebecca tells her, "Apparently she hadn't told her dad, and once she started showing she had to confess. He kicked her out. Said she was ruining her life."

"That's intense," Elizabeth said.

"Yup. So my mom and Keith are letting her stay until they find a place of their own," Rebecca says, "And as much as I love my brother I can't wait til she's gone. He's an idiot for knocking her up."

"She can't be that bad," Liz said trying to give Nat the benefit of the doubt.

"Trust me Liz, she is. Being pregnant has made her a complete devil," Rebecca stresses, "My mom is way too nice to have that be the mother of her first grandchild."

Before Liz could respond to that, someone came up behind her.

"Oh Becky, I wanted the gifts to be color coordinated," Natasha remarked, with her hand on her belly.

"My mom told me to do it by size," Rebecca rolled her eyes, "And my name's Rebecca."

"But Becky is so cute."

"No it's not," Rebecca argued.

"Hi Natasha," Elizabeth awkwardly greeted, breaking up the conversation.

"Oh hi Elizabeth," Natasha stiffly said, forcing a smile on her face as she rubs her belly, "Didn't think you would show up."

"Oh, well Steve told Bucky we were coming," she explains.

"Of course he did."

"You look pretty," Elizabeth complimented her to try and break the tension.

"I know. I'm absolutely glowing carrying Bucky's child," she replied with a snarky tone.

"I'm really happy for you both."

"Sure you are," she rolled her eyes.

"No, I truly am. That's why I actually wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering if maybe we can get together sometime this next week, to talk," Liz suggests.

"There's no need," Nat tells her, "I get what you're doing. You think that getting on my good graces will put you in Bucky's good graces, but I hate to break it to you, that's not going to happen. I'm trying my best here to be polite to you, but once this baby is born, I'll make sure Bucky no longer makes time for you and Steve. I am his life now, and we don't have space in it for you both."

"Nat-"

"Thanks for the gift, hopefully the gift receipt is in the bag," Natasha fake smiled, "Enjoy the party."

"Fix the gifts Becky," she turned to Rebecca enunciating 'Becky', before walking away to go back to her friends.

"Told you she was the devil," Rebecca commented, ignoring Natasha's request.

"Yeah, you weren't lying," Elizabeth turned to look at Nat who was laughing with her friends.

Steve and Elizabeth said their final goodbyes a couple of hours later, and walked back to their rental car.

"That went well, don't you think?" Steve commented on as he started the car.

"Yeah it did," she lied.

Elizabeth decided it was probably best not to bring it up to Steve. He and Bucky just fixed their relationship, that she was afraid if she told Steve that Bucky wouldn't believe them. She would just have to hope that Bucky wouldn't allow their friendship to take another hit. She had faith that their friendship was stronger than that.

"Do you mind if we made a stop somewhere?" Steve asks her as he pulls away from the curb.

"No, of course not."

"Perfect. We just have to make one quick pit stop before," he says a few minutes later, parking in a parking lot of a cafe.

Steve walked back out of the cafe with a picnic basket.

"What's that for?" She asked smiling as he got in, putting the basket in the backseat.

"Just wait and see," he winked.

15 minutes later they were pulling up to a park.

"A park?"

"Thought we could have an impromptu picnic date," he smiles, "Wait here."

He got out of the car and grabbed the basket from the backseat. She heard him close and open the trunk. He then opened her door.

"Mi lady," he held his hand open for her to take.

"Oh why thank-you kind sir," she giggled taking his hand.

He led her to a nice spot on top of a hill, overlooking the park.

"Can you hold this for me real quick," he asked, holding out the picnic basket for her.

She took it from him as he laid out the blanket. Steve took the basket back and started to unpack the contents and laid them out on the blanket for them.

"A little dinner at sunset," he offered his hand so she can sit down next to him on the blanket.

"This was perfect Steve," she kissed his cheek, as they finished off their little dinner.

"Just thought I'd thank-you for coming with me today," he says wrapping his arm around her, as she leaned into him.

"You don't have to thank me."

"I know I don't, but I want to. I know you say you were fine with today, and I completely believe you, but I also know that even if you're okay with it, it's still can be uncomfortable," he says, "So I just want to show you how appreciative I am of you."

"I love you," she leans her head up to capture his lips with her's.

Age: 27

Year: 2021

Location: Brooklyn, NY

"Steve whats with the blind fold," Elizabeth giggled in the passenger seat of their rental car.

"It's a surprise," he laughed, "Now just be patient, we're almost there."

"Steve, come on you know I hate surprises."

"You liked the last surprise I gave you," he teased.

"It was a kitten, that's different," she smiled.

"You still loved it," he said, "Plus we're here already."

"Oh that was quick," she said reaching to take her blindfold off.

"Don't," he warned her, "Not yet."

Steve helped her out of the car, and linked their arms together as he led her to the surprise.

"Okay, we're here," he nervously said, he took her blindfold off.

Liz adjusted her eyes after being in the dark for the past 30 minutes. When she opened her eyes, she was greeted with a lantern lit up picnic on top of the hill at the park.

"Surprise," Steve said behind her.

Liz turned around to find Steve down on one knee, with an opened ring box.

"Steve," she gasped.

He took her left hand into his own.

"Elizabeth Carolina Sanchez, words can't even explain how much I am in love with you, but I'm going to try. I don't think i can remember back to a time where you weren't a part of my life, and honestly i don't want to. You've made me so incredibly happy these last almost seven years, and no matter how much I say I'm appreciate of you, i don't think it's ever going to be enough. Getting to wake up to you every day to you smiling at me, honestly i don't think there's a greater thing in the world. I'd give the entire world, if it meant that I got to see you smile every day of my life. I don't ever want to imagine a life without you. You've made me the best person I could ever want to be. There's not a day that doesn't go by where you don't continuously tell me how proud you are of me, and the endless amount of support and love you've given me. There's no one I'd rather spend my entire life with. Start a family with. Be a family with. So, Elizabeth, will you do me the greatest honor of marrying me?"

"Yes," Elizabeth choked out, as the tears streamed down her face. She lunged herself into Steve's arms and kissed him.

"I love you so much," she cried.

"I love you too," he said, pulling her into another kiss.

They pulled away, and Steve placed the ring on her finger.

"I love you," she said again.

[thissugarcane]

qaf rewatch random notes, 1x08

self, be less wordy! oh no wait, I figured out how to post longer lololol haven't used tumblr since 2007 wut

brian + the ugly car: he's very self-deprecating, as if he's okay with making fun of [certain] things about himself before the others do

justin and brian: are at the point where justin is one of the guys and it's just normal... whereas dr. dave isn't there. (another reason ben's better, at least til s5: he doesn't want to always go clubbing but does like dancing, so will go out with the gang & have fun, not just to prove a point)

the little convo at the car: brian says something like "you excited?" and justin says "please", before they kiss. EXCITED ABOUT WHAT, WHAT ARE Y'ALL PLANNING ugh. wish we got more of them flirting before sex

in my head: this "what did they say?? at the car" is where brian promises to introduce justin to public sex at the baths. why not! it had to be some time about now. it's either the baths (their first time in public!) or-- no. the jealousy / pulling justin away from Emmett, maybe this is where brian promises to show justin some D/s. they're both sober, he's more possessive than normal... yessss

note to self: if you were to do a BDSM au (where brian and justin's relationship problems are solved by brian claiming justin in a D/s fashion rather than more squidgy emotions, like that one series on ao3), maybe this is the night it starts. because it's either that, or brian promises to let justin top. (though I also like "it happened on justin's 18th birthday" which is someone else's hc.)

for the record i am not writing this. I HAVE ENOUGH TO WRITE. but if I *were*. maybe.

craig's ultimatum: brian yells "fuck!" as if he knows he's about to lose justin, and is angry and upset about it. and then he looks concerned and a bit shocked when justin says "I'm never coming home again!" because. justin picked him! (he didn't, really, justin picked himself over his family, but in a way he also picked brian, which nobody except michael ever does!)

emmett: is the one capable of holding brian back! first when brian wants to get revenge on craig, and then he lets brian go when brian wants to go to justin. I really want the lengthy outsider pov fic from emmett's pov. he sees a lot

brian looks annoyed and... I don't know, post-craig / at the diner with deb. (oh deb, why blame brian!!) is he angry? upset? just feeling sorry for himself? probably a lot of the last one, but there's something else

jenn and craig: Jenn is not a pushover here! also I really am impressed by craig's actor. not once does he go over the line into a caricature of The Homophobic Evil Parent. like, he's a horrible person, but he's also believable

justin finally realizes his brattiness has consequences! otoh he's more manipulative than brian here; he apologizes, goes to leave, meaning brian offers he can stay. is it manipulation or genuine? with justin I can't tell. maybe it is genuine. of course, brian gives him an inch, and he takes a mile. he *knows* it's huge, him sleeping in brian's bed without them having fucked. but he pushes juuuust enough. he doesn't say anything, just wordlessly asks for it

Justin and Jenn: "yeah, don't promise." Note to self: figure out if Jenn ever says "I promise" to Justin again? it also gives a whole new poignancy to 5x12's "the only one who never broke a promise is you."

Deb & Vic: she's the classic "has to take care of people to give her life purpose". deb, you need something for you.

jenn yelling at brian: brian doesn't disagree here but I also don't think he agrees justin is his responsibility. I think what gets to him is the idea that justin'll disappear and end up a runaway

btw, luv aus where justin disappears here / in s1 and comes back later and brian's all "oh no it's the ghost of my past bad decision making, come to haunt my feelings".

justin being a twat: what can we say, he's a teenage brat, it's understandable. brian's irritation at having to lay down the law, which is NOT his default mode, is also understandable

deb: "[michael] you already do so much!" like fucking what, deb? we don't once see michael do anything for Deb

lindsay calls brian justin's sugar daddy, el oh el lindsay, you're such a shit, no wonder brian refuses to acknowledge their non-relationship when even his "nicest" friend won't be kind about it

brian: "I just want him out of my life. and out of my house." emmett and ted do not believe this, and I don't blame them. brian's "I want him out of my house", that I do believe.

hotlanta: this isn't payback I don't think. also, Hotlanta seems to be cool with this quick date plus a threesome. wonder if this happens later, aka once justin and brian are "more settled". justin is relatively mature about it, doesn't throw a shit when he's ignored, it's Brian who's immature about it (it might not start as payback but it ends that way)

mel's red silk pjs: who'd wear similar? brian would.

at linds and mel's: justin is flailing, which is kind of sweet in a weird way, that he's ok with freaking in front of them?

justin being cornered at school and being all submissive about it: I forgot this was the same day that he realized he had nowhere to go. makes sense he was less fight-y than usual, he thought he'd lost everyone

jenn & craig: Jenn wants to repair this rift, but she wants things to be "the same". Brian wants Justin to acknowledge that his mom is trying, and he shouldn't give up on Jenn. Craig is Craig, and can't accept that there's nothing he can do to stop Justin being queer. However craig is using his belief he's "protecting Justin" to justify his shitty behaviour. (Chicken/egg -- even antagonists believe they're the hero, right? Craig believes he's in the right and protecting justin, the same way brian does.)

brian looks away only when craig says "you're never to see [brian] again". boo, you so care. interesting that brian says nothing to jenn -- he knows nothing about parental love -- but he's right there to yell at craig, because he knows a lot about parental hatred. :/

also brian wants to keep him, obvs, and he chooses to take justin the way he can. oh brian. <3

Brian; "it's not lying if they make you lie". and then michael gives him shit for "working for heteros" not a year and a half later, not being supportive of brian's decision to work with stockwell. michael is such a bad friend sometimes

THE JAMBALAYA [hearteyes]. brian's irritation at justin's attempt to domesticate the scene, warring with him being impressed with the effort and justin knowing to only push so far. them learning how to give. just, everything. *incoherent flailing*

[experiment-000]

My Top 10 Ships of 2020

It's been a weird year but I've seen other people doing this. Plus this year I've been way more into gen fics (love a bit of found family especially in clone wars and marvel) than anything shippy. So I genuinely don't know what imma put on here aside from two ships for sure. Sorry this post is super long idk how to do the below the cut thing and I've had this app for 5 years...

10) Viktor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki - Yuri!!! On Ice

It was a real toss up between this, supercorp, kanera and wolfstar cos they're all very integral ships to my fan heart but this son because of the Yuri on Ice fandom's rebirth this year. I've never stopped shipping this, never stopped reading fanfic of them for any extended period of time, they're still my most bookmarked ship on ao3 (although I think now star wars - all media types may have overtaken them for fandom). They were one of the first things I watched where the queer ship I loved became canon and I can't wait for the film (and hopefully someday a season 2). Heck I even made my mum watch Yuri on Ice with me so I think that says it all.

9) Edelgard Von Hresvelg and female Byleth - Fire Emblem: Three Houses

My first fire emblem game was fates when I was like 14 (and finally gay awake lol). I was so disappointed that I had to be with a guy character because the only female option was kinda creepy and also I wouldn't get the character of kana. So when three houses came out I was so happy because finally there were beautiful incredible female characters my female byleth could romance (I'm so sorry mlm you deserved so much more than you got). I got the game as soon as it came out (had to search a lot of shops let me tell you) and started on black eagles. I was actually kinda disappointed back in 2019. I didn't like the explore the monastery bit (still find it kinda tedious) and the battle mechanics weren't quite the same as fates (no pairing up?! Aka my main battle technique for protecting the weaker units). So I got like 20 hours in and put it down. Came back to it in lockdown and finally finished it! I'm so proud of myself I virtually never finish games. And I fully fell in love with the useless lesbian edelgard in the process. When I started back playing in 2020 I was like eh I wish I'd picked a different character to romance (like shes an emperor that's morally very shady) but then the romance stuff started with edelgard and I fell the heck in love.

8) Cory Matthews and Shawn Hunter (and Topanga Lawrence) - Boy Meets World

Disney+ was released in the UK this year and I finally got the opportunity to watch boy meets world in its best quality (aka not on YouTube). I watched it back when I was like 12 or 13 and it's such a nostalgic show for me. Watching it again I still absolutely adore it (and my bi ass was low-key crushing on Shawn especially in chick like me - I'm 18 btw and I got so scared for a sec but rider strong was 18 when chick like me came out so it's fine woah). And of course now I see the possibilities of the beautiful Cory and Shawn relationship like they were so bromance it was basically romance and throw in topanga it's the perfect ot3 (but I'm also fine with just Cory and Shawn or just Cory and Topanga). Read some good fanfic for them this year. My favourite was one about Shawn stealing makeup and stuff and exploring gender (need more fics like this I'm biiii).

7) Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes - Marvel Cinematic Universe

I rewatched all the MCU films this year too. And got really into Peter parker whump and irondad. Plus my eternal obsession with identity and relationship reveals of course led me from Spiderman identity reveals (and found family cuteness) to stucky coming out. Especially when it involves the internet and social media. Not my favourite ship but it's been significant to my year due to the sheer amount of marvel stuff I've read.

6) Satine Kryze and Obi Wan Kenobi - Star Wars

I rewatched clone wars in prep for season 7 and wow Satine's death was sad and sudden. She first appeared in S2 E13 I think and just the sheer sexual tension of their bickering. "The sarcasm of a soldier. The delusion of a dreamer." Just ugnnhhh my bi ass can't take much more of this. And Anakin just sipping his wine in the background grinning. And I fully believe korkie is a Kenobi.

5) Commander Cody and Obi Wan Kenobi - Star Wars

I am very much an Obi wan multishipper. I don't really have a favourite but I fully believe he was with satine and Quinlan in his life. I don't think be would've actually done anything with Cody because of the whole superior officer thing. And this probably isn't even my favourite Obi wan ship - that honour probably goes to quinobi or obitine. However the most popular ships in the fandom are codywan, quiobi and obikin. No offence to anyone who ships these they're just personally not to my taste, but I can't stand quiobi, and obikin I find only slightly more tolerable and I think that's just because there's so much obikin content so if I like the concept of a fic that happens to be obikin I'll read it. I'm just not a fan of the mentor/student relationships. So I generally favoured the codywan fics when there was shipping involved meaning I read a lot of them this year. Needed that nice fix it content post season 7.

4) Zuko and Katara - Avatar: the Last Airbender

Again I am a multishipper I have nothing against zukka it's cute. But I'm a zutara shipper first and foremost because when I first watched avatar I was like 13 and denying my gayness and gayness in general so I shipped the straight things and the straight things only. Most of these ships I stopped shipping - dramione, spuffy, some my little pony ones which we don't talk about. Zutara stayed. (I have nothing against any of the things I used to ship I just stopped shipping them so much/shipped new things more). I've continuously shipped zutara since I first watched avatar even if I didn't necessarily spend that much time on it it has always been here as one of my favourite ships. It has such good fanfic I swear including my favourite ever fanfic from any fandom - love thy enemy. Plus like the black games (reread this for the millionth time this year), a delicate subterfuge (which I read for the first time this year and damn it's so good) and so many more. With the avatar resurgence this year I haven't actually rewatched avatar aside from my normal random episode every now and then when I feel like it. But there's been a lot of avatar on my dash from people I follow getting into it and people I followed for avatar returning so naturally I returned to the fandom and read quite a lot of fanfic. I also read just a lot of avatar gen fics which were great at the whole found family thing I've been so obsessed with this year.

3) Catra and Adora - She Ra and the Princesses of Power

Catradora is canon! They kissed! What more is there to say. Arguably they should've been top but I never shipped them that much since I was always very much a multishipper when it came to she ra so yes I was very happy it became canon because we actually won for once but also I've never read much fanfic for them etc. But they are very much a dynamic I love and watching she ra all again in prep for season 5 I really enjoyed the build up of their relationship. The other two only go above because Buffy is my favourite show ever and damn there's some good fuffy fanfic and Aphra and Tolvan is both fresh in my mind and star wars owns me. Would love some catradora fic recs btw if anyone has them tho.

2) Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I didn't realise it was last year that I got super into them but according to my ao3 bookmarks it was lol. 2020 I swear it's lasted an eternity. I got into them about a month before lockdown (which feels like another lifetime). I've loved Buffy since I first watched it when I was 13. It's arguably still my favourite TV show. I've been through a lot of ships for Buffy - bangel to spuffy and now fuffy. I still think angel and her were a beautiful ship back in season 2 and especially in the angel episode I will remember you. But faith and Buffy had so much chemistry in season 3 - she would've been a fresh start for Buffy and the amount of fix it fics I read I swear. My favourite has to be one where they met in LA during Anne and how that changed everything feat Buffy's internal homophobia.

1) Cheili Lona Aphra and Magna Tolvan - Star Wars

I read Darth Vader (2015) and Doctor Aphra (2016) for the first time at the end of 2020 (got a comic subscription which has served me very well already I've nearly finished the star wars canon comics). Just to see canon queer ladies in star wars was so magical for me as a queer lady. I didn't think star wars would be so overt yet as to have a queer kiss in canon (even if it's in the comics) and especially not with the main character of arguably their main comic series. Now we just gotta hope that we'll get it in live action someday soon. They weren't the ship I consumed the most content of in 2020 but they were the highlight of my 2020 because star wars did that and I finally found out about it

Honourable mentions: Vivian and Elle - Legally Blonde, Candace and Vanessa - Phineas and Ferb, Stevie and Alex - Wizards of Waverly Place, Xander and Spike - Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I actually don't ship this but damn some authors are good - this was the ship that made me realise I don't need to like a ship if the author is good enough to write it well), Eli Vanto and Mitth'raw'nuruodo - Star Wars (started reading the books last year but finished this year and only started with fanfic this year), Villanelle and Eve - Killing Eve, Kanan and Hera - Star Wars, Barriss and Ahsoka - Star Wars, Remus and Sirius - Harry Potter, Kara and Lena - Supergirl (let's hope this becomes canon next year!) (Those last four are ones I've shipped forever some of my og ships but nothing particularly big has happened for me this year with them so)

I got Disney+ this year so rewatched a fair few things from my youth and though hey my obsession with that character may have been a little gay.