#I don’t need to be slotted in for some mythical thing

[unionnutsbuster]

Movies be like “wow you’re a minority? In my movie we will represent you as the smeebo monster”

[talenlee]

Story Pile: Nimona

It can be hard sometimes to talk about a movie that’s just solid and good. Especially because sometimes a movie is remarkable, and great, and enjoyable, but also it’s just a thing in its genre that’s really good, and really enjoyable, and competently made and coming from a good place, but also doesn’t need veneration as breaking new ground technologically or culturally or anything like that. If it is breaking that new ground, that’s more of a problem because surely we’ve had an animated kid’s movie about a gay dad and his shapeshifting girlthing sidekick child, right?

Right?

It seems kinda obvious once you see it.

I’m going to mention some things in the movie, but nothing too specific. Still, obligatory one-two combo that I liked this movie, and I’m talking about it in Pride Month, and if you want more, then yeah I’m going to need you to consider a Spoiler Warning.

Content warning? I guess there’s a content warning in that I talk about the mindset of the weirdoes who hate this kind of kid’s movie for being ‘too woke.’

Nimona is a 2023 animated kid’s movie about Ballister Boldheart, a knight in a castlepunk retrofuture, where there’s subways and swords and lasers and cereal mascots and cars and again, swords and knights. Ballister is a good guy, about to be promoted to Really Cool Knight Guy, then his sword kills the king, and suddenly he’s the biggest villain in town. On the run from his former friends and boyfriend, he goes on the run to try and clear his name (or not), until he recruits – accidentally – a monstrous shapeshifter kid called Nimona.

From there, there’s a name to clear, a conspiracy to uncover, a mythic history to rewrite and a big monster battle culminating in a new, better status quo. Hearts are changed, people understand themselves, there’s a hug and a kiss and it’s all pretty wholesome and simple.

I had fun watching this movie. It’s not going to be my favourite movie about a monster finding and choosing their own identity (because that’s Lilo & Stitch), nor my favourite movie about showing the fundamentally queer relationship of a shapeshifter to its body (that’s probably still Chameleon, a friend’s OC), nor is it my favourite story of normalising recognising the impermanence of all children’s identities… though actually, that slot’s open.

There’s culture war nonsense around this movie, of course. It’s got a trans creator, it’s got queer themes, Nimona is as a character reads as a girl but she’s not hot —

what?

Don’t give me that look, you know exactly what I mean. Nimona’s not hot. She doesn’t look like Jasmine or Ariel or Elsa or whatever, she’s not made to present explicitly a clear, iconographic femininity, which includes with it, a deliberate intention to be visually appealing. This is because our society has a simple binary paradigm for women; there’s a big list of things women are and there are things where they can’t be. Since women are attractive – you know, because they’re objects for us to look at – then a woman who isn’t attractive is wrong or bad or ugly. Therefore, Nimona is a girl ‘wrong’, and that means she has to be painted as insidious, or harmful.

Anyway, yeah, yeah, people are mad at Nimona for not being hot despite the fact she’s a child, and that’s actually something our society and media does a lot of even though when you point it out like that it’s obviously incredibly creepy and weird and bad. But that’s part of the problem because it’s hard, when you already can accept a world in which say, a ten year old girl is under no obligation to be attractive that in fact considering her in that paradigm is a really un-normal way to think of kids.

It’s so hard to imagine doing that. It’s harder to imagine caring about being mad at this movie that is, in the broad strokes, pretty much just like any other Kids Movie about a cool outsider getting to change the world for the better. It’s practically a Pixar movie in how it fits together, the structure and the tone, you know? These movies aren’t built out of complicated parts! They’re built out of raw, basic components where your expectations are rarely going to be truly subverted and you can rely that even if things don’t work out okay in the immediate, they’re going to work out eventually.

This is a kid’s movie. It’s got kid movie pacing, it’s got kid movie characterisation, things only matter as much as they need to in order to get the story moving. Nimona is a hard movie to really complain about! The story’s cohesive, it’s got a good sense of drama, the scenes where characters move are fast and fluid, there are some really good callback jokes, and it isn’t asking anything ridiculous of its audience, unless you struggle at the idea of things like Indian dudes as protagonists, or gay guys as protagonists or kids who signal being queer as protagonists.

Instead, as with so many things of this ilk, Nimona sets off an emotional reaction, and then the person having that emotional reaction doesn’t have the ability to trust in how they feel about that, they don’t know how to feel about their own feelings. What you get instead then is instead of like, a form of analysis or a recognition of a critical framework, you get this sort of flailing emotionality that gets barfed into a sort of Discourse Template that leans heavily on the term actually.

It’s kinda a testament to how delicate heteronormativity is that this movie gets treated like it’s a radioactive weapon of brain deformation when it is a very reasonable kid’s movie. How unremarkable this movie is in what it’s doing, it’s just delightful, enjoyable, brilliantly witty, comically tuned and expressing a fantastic range of references that avoids being obtuse.

But then people thought Frozen was turning kids gay, I dunno.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[thecrushheb]

Just finished Pathfinder Wrath of the Righteous and I need to get some thoughts down about it. I mean, 130 hours is so much to dedicate to something, of course I have thoughts. *SPOILERS*

A few things to premise my thoughts:

1. I played a Chaotic Good, Half-Orc, Barbarian (Invulnerable Rager) w/ 9 levels of Dragon Disciple. Full tanky strength build (could get to like 48 str when fully buffed. Probably could have gone higher had I understood mechanics a bit better, more on that later).

2. I played the Azata mythic path

3. I romanced Wenduag

4. Had to put the crusade on auto because it was unbearable

*Mechanics*

Okay so I’ll start by talking about the mechanics. I really enjoyed building my character, and even spent a bunch of time in the respec screen without saving just seeing what I could make of my guy and my companions (Wenduag Rough Rowdy double throwing axes is ludicrous), it was fun. My issue was that I felt like if I didn’t min max as hard as I possibly could I would be completely left out to die against some of the games many wild difficulty spikes. I started by just dropping the difficulty a bit, but then realized I really had to just look at some build guides for certain characters because we were still getting wrecked. It helped a lot (again, Wenduag could get ridiculous, also had a good nenio build I liked), but I don’t like that to even play at .8 damage against and slightly weaker enemies I had to optimize like a champ. 

And I mentioned the difficulty spikes, my goodness. There were a bunch of random fights that I had to look up strats or just see if people found them as crazy hard as I did, then just drop the difficulty to get through the extra tough ones. I know that this is sort of a “git gud” situation, but like, it’s just not why I play crpgs. At least not to that degree. I loved Neverwinter Nights 2 and never messed with the difficulty, even turned the difficulty on Divinity Original Sin 2 higher because I enjoyed it so much, but the combat just felt less strategic and more tedious, to the point that I realized if I tried a couple things and still couldn’t get it, I was just going to enjoy myself more turning the difficulty down rather than trying to puzzle the fight out like I would in Divinity. Couldn’t beat it with all my summons and buffs and positioning my guys right? Well, not worth trying again adjusting my strategy incrementally, easy mode it goes.

I think this partially stems just from the pathfinder system and how much randomness is in a d20, but also they really went full power gamer for this game, so it was completely self inflicted. The mystic paths gave such a ludicrous power jump that to keep up with that there had to be power spikes for enemies, and if you didn’t optimize all choices and understand every buff system and spell system, there was stuff that was just going to be too hard. I mean, there was a point where I looked up a guide for a quest and it mentioned that one of the only ways to really have a good chance against a certain mini boss was to debuff it in a particular way that I just would never have thought of, and didn’t have the spell for. So like, what am I even doing right? I did end up completing the game on .8 damage against and slightly weaker enemies, but, the occasional mini boss had to be nuked on easy just to get the story, which I didn’t feel good doing. It also made you really consider party makeup mechanically which I don’t want to do with so many good competing personalities. Sure I was the only tank, but I wasn’t about to lug Seelah around just to not die when that slot could be taken by a character with a personality. 

Verdict: really fun character building system, characters got too powerful and power spikey to handle in a fun way eventually.

*Main story*

Kinda ass. Okay I’ll be more thorough. I did not give even half a shit about the main story until... Minhago? and even with her and staunton I was really just reaching for things to hang onto, then wasn’t engaged again until mid act 4. The biggest issue was that there was no characters to attach to anything and generic fighting demons on a crusade against evil just had nothing that hooked me in; until they put character to the plots. Once Areelu was an actual character involved, and the demon lords (minor as well, looking at you minhago) showed up, actually making the conflict personal, I got into it, but that was like 90 some odd hours in except the small Minhago and Staunton thread. Everything else having to do with the main story until then felt like a complete drag and time sink. Galfrey might have been able to save it a bit if she had a stronger personality early on, but even then, meh. 

It didn’t help that it starts with absolutely no context, you don’t know who you are (horrible trope), and have no relationships. I compare here to Neverwinter Nights 2 that starts you in town with friends and everyone knows you and talks to you letting you in on who you are, it made the next bits of story actually hold weight. Here it does not. It throws you into a conflict, kills a dragon you don’t know, then tells you to make your way to the surface with Seelah, who has the personality of a bud light. But I’m getting ahead of myself, this is about the main plot. I’ll wrap it up though: Put faces to your main plot movers and I’ll care. Baphomet’s portion of plot in act 5 felt entirely like a side quest (maybe it was, it’s hard to tell what you actually had to do and what was skippable), but I also wanted desperately to face him because he had personality and weight (and maybe the best portrait).

Areelu’s lab was terrible and not engaging until I viewed it in retrospect. Everything Areelu in the 5th act was amazingly done and engaging, but context was left too late. All the Demon lords were awesome, loved Noctula, what a well written and performed character. in fact

Voice Acting: A+ the best I've ever heard in a game, and from so much of the cast.

Alushinyrra was so frustrating to navigate I almost quit on multiple occasions, and like everything in the game, I spent 70% of it just trying to knock out quests, then was really engaged in the final bits of all the quests. This was the section with the best quests, and had it not been for the infuriating navigation would have been the best section of the game. Great characters and good writing in here, but too much running around spinning the camera to build into those quests. 

The final revelations, where you leave each major player from Galfrey to the demon lords to Areelu, was all phenomenal. What a way to wrap up an enormous game and made it all feel worth it in the end (despite all the bitching). Incredibly well tied up, but the good writing was entirely back loaded (likely they wrote out the very intricate story beforehand and then when parceling out revelations couldn’t figure out how to evenly spread it without spoiling parts or wrapping up some things but not others in a way they wanted. I can see the dilemma as a writer, but it doesn’t make it work).

*Azata (short section)*

This was fine, it lent cool gameplay moments throughout the rest of the game being able to drop in songs and heal parts of the land, interactions with beings from Elysium, allowing me to be the paragon of chaotic good with a love of nature I so love to be (and sort of am irl). However the actual story parts that were azata story missions were really mid. Nothing particularly interesting happened there (”a floating island!” doesn’t really feel too crazy in Golarion, idk why everyone there treated it like it was nuts, like we’re in the worldwound guys). Also, the characters were the most irritatingly written. I really don’t want to meet the person who wrote the dragon companion’s dialog and wasn’t embarrassed to put that shit out to the world. 

*Characters (finally)*

I spent most of the game with: Wenduag, Daeron, Ember, Nenio, and Arueshalae. I also did quite a bit of Camellia’s quest. I know I missed out on so many companions and this is the biggest driver of any future replay I might do. 

Imagine a paladin who drinks, that’s Seelah. And that’s why I didn’t bring her as soon as I had enough companions to make choices. Game was too long for her decent personality to not get old way too fast as it was way too one note and she doesn’t react much to your choices. Flat.

Something I did absolutely love: “Choose between two for your next companion” is awesome! And a little almost self contained module to lead you to your decision, it just was so engaging and made me so much more attached to my choice that they were the companion I cared about most, and the only one I cared about really, for the next 30-40 hours, until the rest of them had some time to make half the impression that the choice gave you. Great writing.

I went with Wenduag. I knew nothing about the story or world yet except that there was a demon lord upstairs who just killed a dragon everyone told me was powerful. Did Wendu seem evil? Sure. But she also had a really good point about Lann’s weakness, and he didn’t do anything to dispel that notion. I needed her, and knew that if it came to it I could ditch her later too. But then she lied to me and I was captivated. I was captivated because in her lie, she also was clearly lying to herself. And the voice actor, my lord, what a performance. Without the acting and subtle writing I might have missed her lying to herself, but it was there for sure. She *did* care about her tribe like she’d initially said, just maybe not too much, but also why would she lie and say she didn’t at all when she was confessing to lying about saying she did? Immediately she showed an insecurity that made her interesting. As a chaotic good I just kept poking and prodding her toward goodness and showing her I cared, that she belonged, and exploring her insecurities, and her arc was brilliant. There were definitely a few writing blunders where I think she came off a little too uncaring and evil a little too late in her arc, but how it ended and the times it got it right along the way were next level good. The actor’s performance for her final questline, voice shaking and choked with emotion, was the best (I ran out of superlatives). Immediately makes it onto my s tier character writing and performance all time.

Ember... She was alright. I think finding her warranted more build, more story, like Wenduag had. She’s too bizarre to just drop in like the others. Once I did feel like I got what her deal was (as much as you can with what you’re given), I liked having her in the party. Her banter was good (they all had good banter tbh), her quest was compelling but felt very obvious and without nuance. I liked getting an end slide that she made Noctula become the redeemer queen, like that was seriously awesome, but she didn’t have many facets to her (also her quest glitched at like, the last moment and I never technically completed it. though, getting that Noctula end slide tells me I did enough. her being sad at the end though because a quest wouldnt complete when i completed it made me sad). 

Camellia, what a creep. Interesting plot to her story, delightfully nasty, but being even a little good made it almost impossible to go along with anything she wanted lol. She’s evil as hell, so it could be better with an evil playthrough, but I didn’t get the sense she would really arc at all. Basically you just find new levels of perversion, which is interesting and engaging, but I didn’t finish her questline so I don’t want to say too much. 

Nenio’s quest was so compelling but lacked personality. It was very spotty too picking up bits of it randomly and again with no real story to it. And that megadungeon to finish her quest was damn near unbearable. She was annoying but it made for good banter, especially with NPCs and enemies, loved having her in the party, spent entirely too much time on a quest with no narrative for her though. I felt like it had the potential to be more fleshed out.

Daeron had a fantastic personality, great banter, great quest to meet him, great personal quest too. Only issue I had, which takes him down a half a notch, is that the end to his quest was really lackluster. It was such a cool premise and then you don’t interact with it for ages and when it finally comes back its just a small confrontation where you’re forced to kill Liotr, for what? Can’t see myself playing through without him, or at least if I do to make room for other companions on a new playthrough I will definitely miss him. I was disappointed that despite seemingly not really being truly evil, just fronting to keep face as an aristocrat since he came with me and just did good acts for the entirety of the game, he was just regular evil for the closing slides. 

Arueshalae had the most satisfying change in her character (except maybe Wenduag), redeeming herself from being a succubus. As an azata, this might have been the most fitting romance for me, but just going through her quest platonically was so satisfying. Going into her dreams and watching her learn to have feelings like a human was well done. My one gripe was that she seemed so naïve for someone who had apparently ruined tons of lives eating souls as a succubus. She should have been a lot more mature, and I feel like she was made kind of clueless just for “Born Sexy Yesterday” trope’s sake. Her parts of her quest where she was dealing with things she genuinely wouldn’t understand, or dealing with her past where she had to acknowledge the things she’d done were the best bits because they forced her into the character she should have been. Coincidentally her banter was poor because of her unfathomable childishness outside of those. 

Overall I enjoyed the game a ton, but the strength of the ending really rose tints what was a slog for a huge portion. The fact that I’m saying I’d consider replaying would have sounded insane to me between hours 40 and 90. The biggest thing holding it back was that it just had so much fucking stuff. So much breadth that it took ages to get to the depth of any piece of it, and so little was self contained until you started wrapping things up at the end. I started out thinking the characters were super weak, and ended up considering Wenduag, Arueshalae, and Daeron(’s personality only), among the best companion writing, maybe straight up the best companion writing I’ve ever played. I also consider the strength of the personalities in the game, from many companions to the many demon lords, the guy that ran the battlebliss, areelu, some of the most compelling personalities I’ve ever had the pleasure of playing. 

[always-andromeda]

notes on femininity - 5/14/24

I wonder if I will ever be able to look at myself and not feel myself start to spin out. Because that seems to be what happens every time I do. For as long as I can remember, my relationship with girlhood has always been contemptuous. 

As far back as childhood, I felt it. All my friends wore bright colors smattered with sparkles from Justice while I dressed in my mother’s hand-me-down business casual wear. They were the only thing that fit me. Because little girls my size just weren’t worth selling to, I guess. All the other little girls got to be these pretty princesses covered in ruffles and jewels and I was just…there.

I was the one the other girls were always pointedly embarrassed of. On one hand, I was a pretty poor representation of their girl club. But on the other, man, did I make them look a whole lot better. Can’t live with me, can’t live without me or however the saying goes.

I may have been a girl, but I wasn’t girl enough to play Bella Swan when we played Twilight at recess. I was taller and bigger and I didn’t quite fit in with the rest of them. So of course I alternated between playing Edward and Jacob in a sea of the other girls all fawning around me, performing this exaggerated helplessness like they’d seen in the movies. 

I think that’s how I was taught to view femininity in general. Girl wasn’t defined by genitals or reproductive organs. It was defined by performance and, by extension, helplessness and pain. Most importantly, it always revolved around men.

Any and every man could be the all seeing audience we played for. Your father, your brother, your friends, hell, even God himself. It was all for Him. So you always had to be prepared to contort yourself into whatever position He needed; the Maiden, the Mother, the Sage, the Innocent, the Enigma, the Boss, the Siren, any number of clown costumes one could parade around in.

I did what I’ve always done. I studied them. Because I yearned to understand what makes a girl earn the attention of this audience. Every other girl seemed to be born blessed in that regard. Boys liked them. And so I thought: how do I trick people into believing that I’m one of those girls too?

Being fat, unattractive, unappealing, and uninteresting, I certainly had my work cut out for me. My teenage years were spent googling:

“how to be pretty”

“how to do eyeliner”

“how to talk to boys”

“how to flirt with boys”

“how to french kiss”

“how to suppress gag reflex”

Because what was the point if I didn’t have those things down? What the fuck was the point of anything if I wasn’t building myself up into some mythical fucking creature who could be anything for anyone? I didn’t have a type but I could be anyone’s. If they could look past my face and my body, of course; if they understood that I was looking at myself with the same unimpressed expression as they were. I could do my best impression of whatever girl they needed me to be. I was constantly doing market research, constantly inputting data, constantly updating into the newest, best version I could possibly be.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that when you turn yourself into a giving machine, you tend to attract people who only want to take. In fact, sometimes you attract thieves who don’t bother sticking a dollar in the slot either. Instead they smash the glass facade surrounding your humanity and take what they please.

They leave you empty, wondering what you are going to fill those slots with. Because what if someone passes by? What if they’d like something from you too? You don’t want them to see the broken glass. You don’t want them to be afraid. You don’t want them to reach their hand inside and hurt themselves on the jagged remnants of the crime inflicted on you. So you sweep away the evidence and drape a blanket over yourself.

You’re not out of order, you’re merely undergoing renovation. Don’t worry, I still have things to offer! You can count on me! I can still be worth something!

I can’t help but feel that deep down inside of me, there is something rotten. And not from something that was stolen from me. It’s something that’s been slowly putrefying since the day I was born. Maybe that something is the fact that I don’t have a place amongst it all. Maybe it’s the fact that if I were born a hundred years ago, I probably would’ve been locked in a hospital somewhere. I’d have my own little padded room with a slot in the door that’s too small to see all of me through. I could only be viewed in fragments, withering away over time until there’s nothing left to observe. Maybe it’s the fact that the idea of that comforts me even the slightest bit.

Because I still make myself into that machine. Could I ever stop being that girl? I try so hard to stop. But in a way, it’s such a self fulfilling prophecy. Because if I keep doing those things…aren’t I fulfilling the ultimate mission of femininity and girlhood? 

I can’t be the only one who feels it. I know I’m not. There’s enough feminist literature out in the world that I know hundreds of thousands of people have felt it long before I have.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of not knowing who I am when I’m not performing or when I’m not in pain. I’m tired of feeling like those are the only moments where I have something to offer the world. I’m tired of feeling like I have to offer something to begin with.

[bokkiedoke]

Cards of Alara - Elder Dragon House-Ruler

Very weak wordplay I know. If you can even really call it wordplay. In this edition of Elder Dragon House-Ruler, the series about cards people should really just let you use as your Commander already, we’re going to go over the Mythic Creatures from Alara. Not all of them though, just the 7 (or 8 including my honorable mention) creatures I actually find interesting enough to build a deck around. Sorry if you’re a big Sphinx of the Steel Wind fan, I also think the card is neat and historically interesting but a keyword soup Commander doesn’t really get my motor runnin’.

"Think of all the things you could do! Like play Voltron and...well…”

Now directly after insulting a beloved card let me put in my honorable mention.

Honorable Mention (Aka #8) - Thornling

This entry is less for Thornling itself, which is a fine card I really like. This entry is really about the whole cycle started by Morphling, which I’m just gonna call the Superman Cycle to be both a dweeb and confusing.

And it only took 20 years to finish the cycle! Also only took ‘em 20 years to figure out that they could just make the two power-swapping abilities one single ability. I know there is probably some weird rules reason for one being technically different and better. I really want all the Morphlings to get their own special Commander. We actually did get a really interesting “activated abilities matter” legendary creature recently in Tazri, Stalwart Survivor but I need that art of all the members of the Superman Cycle on one card and just an absolute mess of weird color specific activated abilities. Anyways, onto the list that will actually be about the creatures themselves and not a weird brainworm I’ve had for years about a cycle most people probably didn’t even know existed or was finished recently. NUMBER 7 – Apocalypse Hydra

I’m putting Hydra in the lowest slot because while making a very big dude and having the ability to ping down everything is interesting, there is also a play pattern I see coming from a mile away. “So my Commander has X in the cost, and an activated ability that both costs mana and is really good if I can spam it. Well, time for infinite mana!” And while I am a combo enjoyer, if I see your ass untapping and tapping the same handful of permanents more than like, twice in a single turn I am pulling out a nightcap and going full-on 1930’s comic strip character taking a well-earned nap. I will honk, shoo, and even mi-mi-mi-mi-mi. Just wake me up when you have lethal.

NUMBER 6 – Dragon Broodmother

“You can’t have dessert until you finish your goblins!”

She ain’t too fancy, and she might be way under-statted for her mana value in 2024, but she is a nice little engine for getting some big boys on the board.

So what do you do with a repeatable way to make a pretty chunky little dragon? Well we just have to find a benefit to having big creatures enter the battlefield in Green and Red, if that exists. Let me just put in a quick Scryfall search for cards with the text “when” “enters the battlefield” and “power” in Gruul...

Which brings me to our Number 5 pick. NUMBER 5 – Godsire

"Just a hungry little guy."

So I will NOT make the same mistake twice. Now I know making a big token with a Green and Red commander is pretty good! Also the tokens this big fella makes are always at least 8/8, and you can do it for free if you just had some way of untapping him. Now if only there was a way to do so in these colors. Oh and perhaps some way of giving the creatures haste as well, or even an extra combat step. Oh yeah, we’re in Red. Just order every card that says “untap” and “extra combat”. Or perhaps don’t, you’d be blowing $100+ on a house-rule deck that’d probably get annihilated by a single piece of removal or any Ghostly Prison effect. Just order a couple of the cheaper ones. They’re fun to have around. NUMBER 4 – Defiler of Souls

While writing this very article, I got to Defiler of Souls on my rough list and went “This dude is super simple and most of the time they won’t even do anything. And the rest of that time the person with the really good mono-color creature will just hyper-focus you out of the game for making them sacrifice it. Why is that all the way up at Number 4?” Then I looked at the art again.

Have we had a Muppet's Universes Beyond yet? Why not?!

NUMBER 3 – Maelstrom Angel

Now if you have played Commander for awhile you may have been in the midst of a discussion about using this card already. Back when we had like, 6 five color legendary creatures and two of them were freakin’ Atogatog and Cromat, any five color creature would have just about everyone begging for them to be usable as Commanders. And this one even more so because that ability is so interesting and potentially powerful. That ability’s potential power does make it a bit harder to argue for it’s inclusion as a Commander though. People are gonna read that and go “Absolutely not!”. I would ask them to consider a couple things though. One, it has to hit a player in combat to use it. Two, it has no built in protection. Three, you have to have something powerful in your hand. And Four, well my friend it is 2024 and you are worried that a five mana value commander might do something really powerful with a bit of set-up? The ship has sailed so far away that it has looped back around the globe and hit you in the back of the head.

NUMBER 2 – Prince of Thralls

“Maaaaa, don’t come in when I’m crushing my thralls. It’s embarassing.”

Now I know I was just saying “Hey with that much mana you can do much stronger stuff!” and this guy costs functionally a billion but wow, the potential ceiling of that ability is bonkers. Put some protection on this Prince of Maine and play one of the many cards in his colors that blow up most if not all permanents. Proceed to make your opponents either pay 20+ life or give you the most ridiculous boardstate you've ever seen. Though to calm down a bit and not be alarmist about an 8 Mana Value creature from 15 years ago (yes I know we ARE very old), I think if you spend the nearly 20 mana to do something that powerful, you deserve it. And honestly any reasonable person would just concede at that point unless they had a clear way to claw a win back. And 20 mana I win the game is like, more than fine by my measure. And at least it’s flashy without also taking 20 minutes off of my life.

NUMBER 1 – Empyrial Archangel

Am I honestly saying that a creature with Flying, Shroud, and a built-in Pariah is more interesting that all these other creatures? Yes. Why?

Now since they do have Shroud it is a bit harder to set up the “You will never touch this.” situation you can get with other Pariah-style effects, but it isn’t monumentally difficult to give a creature Indestructible without targeting it in Bant colors. And while the Shroud makes it harder for you to buff ‘em up, it also makes it much harder for your opponents to do something about the Archangel after you get them set-up. Indestructible, Shroud, throw in a way for them to not be sacrificed and you have basically made yourself immune to damage. Is there easier ways to do so? I’m sure. Are those ways as cool as setting up this big Angel that’ll help you end the game instead of just stalling forever? Absolutely not.

Aaaand that’s the list. Once again any recommendations for future cycles or just groups of cards I should cover here are welcome. I’ve got quite a few knocking around in my head currently, but a fresh perspective is always nice. If you would also be excited by a Morphling Cycle legend, let me know. Or if you’d like another “[Random Cycle] Matters” Commander reply below with your favorite cycles and what you think a good leader for their deck would be. And let Wizards of the Coast know too, since they can actually make the cards. I suppose I could too but I doubt anything I make will ever be tournament legal.

[patrykandcompany-blog]

Phyrexia: All Will Be One Legends are Bad.

At least for Brawl. I’m looking at all of these legendaries for the new set and I gotta tell you. They’re powerful, but they’re bad. Most of them are not new effects. Several of the mythics are just different kinds of Panharmonicons. Meaning, I’m not building any new decks here. I’m slotting out a commander, slapping them in and saying, yeah sure. Why not? Having a doubler in the command zone seems pretty great. However, none of them actually build me a new option. They just power up my previous builds.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. What IS a bad thing is that these cards didn’t bring us a new design space as brewers. No cool build-arounds. Just powerful effects that we already had, just now I can have it in my Command Zone. While that may rub you the right way, it doesn’t really get MY flow going. We’ve been getting set after set of commander focused legends and I feel that ONE did not deliver the same smattering of legends we’ve grown accustomed to. Of that matter, I’m actually quite glad. I don’t really want every set to have seven different unique commanders that I feel I NEED to built around.

I think Phyrexia: All Will Be One is finally a set that didn’t focus on the Commander players and gave all of the other formats cool new toys to play with. The EDH world has been getting all the love and I’m glad that we’re finally seeing some of that slack off and not getting busted, must-run commanders this set.

You may feel differently than I do. That’s okay. None of these commanders spoke to me, but you might have had some inspiration where I did not. I hope you’ll tell me about them and show me just why I should be building decks with the legends of Phyrexia: All Will Be One.

[markrosewater]

Hey again!

In response to this point: “To use a metaphor, it’s why an interior decorator uses a color palette. You want to confine the choices, so the overall aesthetic comes through.”

I would just say that I don’t think y’all should necessarily be so 100% rigid. If 99% of the MID and VOW cards are two colors, it doesn’t ruin the overall aesthetic to have Edgar be three colors.

Exceptions to the rule can be a nice addition to the aesthetic. Edgar is the OG vampire after all. One of the biggest names on the plane. For him to be three colors in a block that’s defined by two colors…it adds to his eminence. It fits.

To reduce him to two colors and a rare simply because the team arbitrarily restricted itself to two-colors only and that you can’t have two mythic in the same combo (black and white)—it’s actually, I think, a disservice to the aesthetic. It’s not in the best interest of the flavor, character, or fans.

I understand maintaining those aesthetic restrictions for all the plane-flavored cards, right? Like the cycle of Cemetary mythics. Those cards make up most of the set and are in service to the set.

But when it comes to the main characters, especially already established characters, restrictive aesthetic limitations should come second. The characters should come first. If that means doubling up a mythic slot, so be it. If that means going three colors instead of two, so be it.

Fans attach to those characters and want them to be kick ass. When they’re not, you get responses like the response to Odric and Edgar. Is it better to have stuck to the arbitrary restrictions at the expense of fan reaction to these characters or would it have been better to make a couple exceptions and have an overall happier response?

Since you were so kind to spell out your side, let me spell out mine. Each player has things they personally care about. That's shaped by what format(s) they play, how long they've been playing, who they play with, how they play, etc. To that individual person, the priorities of the things they care about are obviously very high, so they tend to look at Magic as a means to give them the things they most care about. And the majority of players don't want that many things. Why can't we just give them the things they care about? It would be so easy. You only have to change a few cards here or there.

Now look at from our side. There are tens of millions of players who each have their own desires. That list of "just a few cards they want" becomes many times longer than there will be Magic cards in existence in the game's lifetime. We spend a lot of time collecting data and creating lists of what players want and are constantly making cards to meet common requests.

Add to that problem, the players want contradicting things. If we had made a red/white/black Edgar, I'd be answering a different post about how they already have a red/white/black Edgar, why couldn't we make something new, something that would inspire a different deck? Meeting player desires is complicated.

Then we get to what I'll call our problems. We have to make a Magic set. There's a lot that comes with doing that. A premier set has to offer something for all the formats (constructed and limited), it has to be fun to play, it has to be flavorful, it has to be distinctive to set itself apart from the various other sets we make, among many other needs. To do this, there are a lot of internal constraints built into the system of making Magic sets. Some are about optimal game play, some are about play balance, some are about marketing, some are about digital play, some are about organized play, some are about various resources (like say available artists), some are setting up sets around it to be successful, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

What this means to the problem at hand is just changing one card is often not as simple as "just change it". Let's talk about Edgar. What if we made the Coffin red on the back. What harm would that cause? For starters, it would make it a three-color card in a two-color draft format. That means we'd probably want to move it up to mythic rare to minimize players opening it in draft because it communicates to do something that the set doesn't support. But wait, Kaya's sitting in the white/black slot at mythic rare (because we color balance rarities), and she's a planeswalker, and barring special sets like War of the Spark, our planeswalkers are mythic rare.

So why not just have two white/black cards? Okay, what do we pull? The second we break a colored cycle, I get a different group of players writing to me because the color they adore didn't get as many mythic rares as the other colors. And color balancing exists for a reason (for example, aesthetics and play design). Ignoring it raises all the problems that it was created to solve.

In addition to that, we purposefully made three legendary Vampires to support each of the three two-color combinations to allow a variety of Vampire decks in Commander. When we change Edgar, we lose our white/black Vampire commander. Do we replace it with a new one? If so, what other card do we remove from the set? If not, we make an imbalance, and I'm getting questions about why white/black Vampires don't get a commander.

And then there are the cycle issues. Normally, we design our multicolor cards in cycles. We don't just make one three-color card, we make five, going around the color pie (usually all shards or all wedges). So, does changing Edgar require us to change four other cards? And again, the set isn't made to support three-color draft archetypes, so do all those have to be at mythic rare? And if we don't make them, then I get the complaints that red/white/black got a new commander, but no other wedge combinations did.

And then there are the reciprocity issues. If Vampires got a three-color commander why didn't the Werewolves get one in Midnight Hunt? So, now a change in this set might require a change in a whole other set that has just as many repercussions as this change did.

What I'm trying to point out here is there's a reason for our restrictions, and it's not just something we can change quite as easily as you think we can.

On top of all that, Magic has to keep making new content. If enough players really want something, they'll voice it to us, it'll get on a list, and one day we'll make it. Players like you will be very excited to see it. Having some things players want that doesn't yet exist is good for us, because it allows us to keep making cards that excite people.

We very much listen to and care about feedback, and where we can find ways to make concessions to our structure in the future in ways we think a lot of players we'll enjoy, we'll always consider it, but I need you to understand that it's a far more complex ask than I think you realize.

[sharkuccino]

Gonna start this off by saying I love Horizon Zero Dawn. I fell in love with the world, the story, and the gameplay. I am enjoying the story and world of Forbidden West. I just can’t wrap my head around some of these gameplay changes.

I like the implementation of free climbing, but it is pretty janky at times with Aloy going in the complete opposite direction I’m pushing her sometimes. There are times I get caught on invisible walls and end up hovering five feet in the air or get stuck on the environment when I’m in the middle of a fight.

I absolutely hate how the bow works now. I hate having 20 different bows that all do the same thing and feel like they all do minimal damage. I used to be able to headshot bandits like it was no problem. Now I have to crawl and calculate through a camp to take out one rebel. I dislike the whole range thing. I hate having to full draw. Just let me shoot.

I feel like I can’t dodge as freely as I’d like in combat which is a real pain when the machines can do full 10 hit combos and jump halfway across the map to boot. I feel like I have less defense than the first game, like one good hit is enough to get me down into critical health. The outfits do so little and there’s so many similar ones which kind of hearkens back to my dislike of the weapons. I don’t mind the upgrading system, but I hate how there’s only two slots; it makes it feel less customizable.

Then on the technical side, the game is so big I have to load into everything. I have to wait to get into my inventory, my stash, and in cauldrons my screen will black out in the middle of a section because it has to load. It takes longer than necessary for the icons on my map to appear.  I can’t even attempt the fight pits because they never load. You can tell this was meant to be played on the mythical ps5.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love the game. I especially love the new traversal and spear melee, but it does feel like such a slog sometimes to get through sections that wouldn’t have caused me any problems in the first game. I’m not saying I wanted the game to stay the same. I just feel like they changed a little too much and in ways that didn’t need it.

[peachyteabuck]

come water me ☂

summary: after years of depending on science to give you a child, you think giving a magic a shot isn’t a half-bad idea (a commission for @myhoneybeeheart) 

pairing: steve rogers x thor odinson x reader (established steve rogers x reader)

words: 3,538

trigger warnings: infertility, MMF threesomes, creampies, praise kink, breeding kink, cuckolding, angst if you squint but like REALLY squint. REALLY REALLY squint. 

ask box / masterlist / commission info / ko-fi

You and Steve had both done every test known to every male and female fertility specialist in the United States, along with several European countries, Japan, China, and Australia. Every single one, for each of you, pointed to the same thing – infertility.

Persistent infertility. As in, the both of you are not only infertile, but will continue to be infertile despite any type of treatments any type of doctor wants to put you through. Steve doesn’t qualify for experimental treatments, and you’ve tried at least five to no avail.

Long story short, neither of you can have biological children.

The problem is, you both really want biological children. But, according to biology, it just isn’t going to happen.

“Science says so,” the last doctor had told you, voice full of apology. “I’m so sorry.”

That particularly heartbreaking appointment was in the late afternoon, but the battery of tests meant you and your husband were stuck in the shitty doctor’s office until long past when the sun had set. You were grateful how dark it was when you left, terrified some Captain America stan or paparazzi would get a high definition picture of both you with puffy faces along with snot and stray tears still running down your face. It was late when you got back to your secluded high rise, neither of you hungry nor willing to feign it enough to order something. You didn’t know about Steve, but the sadness had somehow overwhelmed every single one of your senses – making your taste buds pointless and limbs numb. Silently, the both of you got ready for bed and held each other as emotional exhaustion acted as a second weighted blanket and lulled you both to sleep.

It was the next morning when you thought of what you had dubbed “the plan.” You had gotten up before Steve (unusual, as you’d been together long enough that wallowing in self pity was a shared activity) and sat at the kitchen table with unbrushed teeth, messy hair, and the sort of determination that comes with a self-reflexive ultimatum: if “the plan” didn’t work, you’d stop trying. You’d tell Steve that you’ve come to terms with your inability to conceive and continue your journey to start from the assumption that there was nothing either of you could do to make it happen. It’s a heartbreaking reality, but it was one you were willing to accept.

It took a few days to work up the courage, to find the right time to broach the idea with the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with. The perfect moment ended up being when you were both eating dinner, Steve telling a story about something ridiculous Peter had done on a mission (turns out, flirting with a fellow agent undercover as a full service sex worker is not a good idea). You were both happy, incredibly so, and you knew whenever your husband talked about the kid it ignited the special light inside of him that wanted to be a father.

It was the tail end of the story, he was two beers down (a special mix Tony had concocted that balanced with Steve’s serum-induced metabolism), and he was happy. So with a deep inhale and sustained eye contact, you rambled with your prepared speech that covered a few of concerns you knew Steve would have and informed him of your personal deal.

You finished quickly – words tumbling out of your mouth before you knew they were being spoken. Your heart beat loudly in your chest, blood rushed to your ears. You were terrified.

That was, until Steve gave his reply a few hours later.

(He asked if he could table the conversation for a little while, wanting to “think it over.” Of course you told him it was okay, especially since you knew there was dessert still waiting to be eaten in the fridge, and you were still very hungry.)

You imagined a lot of responses from your husband, the worst of which sounded like the beginning of a particularly sad Shonda Rhimes television show:

“You want to what?” Steve nearly screams. “You want to invite Thor Odinson in our marriage bed so that we can have a child!? No! I won’t allow it!”

You fall to the ground, sobbing, clutching your phone as you scream back. “I want what’s best for us! For our family! For our future child!”

Steve storms out of the bedroom, turning back to your crumbled figure just before stomping out. “I’m calling a divorce lawyer. I want you out by Monday.”

You expected you’d have to convince him, would have to coax his clenched jaw towards your face so he’d know how serious you are from the look in your eyes. Maybe you’d have to wait days, weeks, months before he’d agree, would have to have long conversations with him and his colleague about negotiations and boundaries and whatever else.  

What you didn’t expect was for Steve to agree not only immediately, but enthusiastically.

“T-that’s it?” you asked. You both were in bed, reading separate books before you’d each turn off the lights and go to sleep. He was reading something about battle tactics during Vietnam while you were thumbing through a book about the history of swearing.

Steve did not look up from his novel. “You want to have a threesome with Thor in the hopes it’ll give us a baby?”

You looked to him, brow furrowed. “Yeah?”

Now he puts the book down and turns to you. “The worst thing that happens is we have sex with a literal deity?”

At first you think he’s joking but, nope. He’s serious.

“Uh, yeah,” you reply again.

Steve shrugs before going back to his book. “Then yeah, but you have to call him.”

You blink a few times – shocked. Pleasantly shocked, but still shocked. “That’s…a deal. Yeah. I can, I’ll talk to him.”

Steve smiles, turning back to you once more and giving you a peck on the cheek. “Sounds good, babe. Let me know what he says.”

You nod, still a little surprised. “O-of course.”

With that, the conversation ends, and you need to figure out how to contact the man in question.

The next morning, you learn from the detailed calendar Tony’s assistant keeps that Thor’s on Migard for the rest of the month, doing…whatever. Honestly, you have no idea what he’s doing, and – even more honestly – you don’t care. Short of saving an entire population from destruction, you’re sure he can make time for you.

Luckily you find him easily, watching some reality show about weird white people in the living room of a common floor. You take deep breaths for stepping into eyeshot, asking if you can sit next to him (he says yes) before you start what is likely the most uncomfortable conversation of your life.

Somehow, though, Thor beats you to it. “If you want me to help you and Steve conceive, just tell me the date and time you want me in your bed.”

Even more so than when Steve accepted your recent proposal, you’re surprised by Thor’s forwardness. “Um-“

Thor smiles, putting a comforting arm around your shoulders before pulling you close against him. “Listen, I’ve done this with many families on many planets. I’ve never done it on Earth, but I’m willing to give it a try for you two. You deserve a child, and I’d be happy to help with that.”

You wipe a stray tear before allowing yourself to be enveloped into Thor’s massive arms. “Thank you,” you tell him after your heart had stopped beating at your ribs as if they were boxers going for the championship title. “Thank you so much.”

You feel Thor smile against the side of your head. “Of course, anything for you.”

You return to Steve with your findings, who agrees to set it up for the next night. The few hours before the mythical man is scheduled to arrive are an otherworldly combination, as if you had put giddy excitement, gut-wrenching fear, and determined optimism in a Nutribullet with bananas and strawberries and vanilla Greek yogurt and served it with-

“Honey, he said we both have to eat before,” Steve pulls the breaks on your train of thought, nudging your plate of food towards you with a small smile.  “I’ve known you for long enough to know what you overthinking and forgetting to eat looks like.”

You nod and sigh, biting into the seasoned steamed vegetables. “Sorry, I-“

Steve shakes his head, swallowing whatever from his plate he was chewing. “I’ve also known you long enough to not need you to explain. Just eat.”

He’s right, you think as you clear your plate. You’ve known Steve for over a decade, dating for nine of them and married for seven. He met you through Natasha, who knew you from your work as a professor studying the differing effects of veterans and civilians (how she found you is still a mystery) and invited you to a conference that Stark was funding and therefore required the Avengers to make an appearance. He knew everything about you, and you knew everything about him.

For the first time in a long time, you wonder whether that’s a good thing, or a bad one.

When Thor arrives, he directs the two of you with ease, accepting a glass of expensive red wine as he follows you to the expansive bedroom.

He makes you strip first, tells you to lay in the center of the bed with your legs spread over the end and arms at your side. Steve’s next, already half-hard as he takes his position by your head, on his knees so he can watch the show in front of you. He’s naked, erection hard against his chiseled stomach.

“You’re so beautiful,” you tell him, blissed out before anything had ever begun.

He smiles down at you, same look in his eye the same day you got married. “You, too babe.”

Thor lets you have the moment as he undresses himself, letting you wrap a hand around Steve’s cock as he slots himself between your legs.

“Mm,” Thor hums, tracking your every move with a precise eye. “What a pretty cunt you have…”

A deep moan from you cuts him off as he kneels and licks a wide stripe up your dripping center, his large hands moving under your knees to bend your legs to your chest.

“Oh!” you cry, one of your hands moving to clutch his long blonde hair. “Oh that feels so good!”

You can feel Thor smiling into your folds as one of his perfectly calloused fingers slowly enters you, reveling in your now-mindless acceptance of pleasure. “So tight,” he moans. “Can’t wait to feel you around my cock.”

It doesn’t take long for your brain to fry, losing your ability to do anything but moan and sloppily jerk off your husband as Thor begins to fuck two fingers in and out of you at a bruising pace.

Steve watches you intensely, takes over jerking his own dick when you lose control of the muscles in your hands.

Thor scoffs, rolling his eyes you pout when his lips leave you.

“C’mon, love,” he murmurs into your inner thigh. “Don’t neglect the man.”

Nearly panting, you wrap your lips around Steve’s cock while Thor continues eating you out.

“Fuck you’re so good at this,” Steve hisses as you start to gag on him, running your tongue on the underside of his cock.

You do your best to smile as one hand moves to play with his balls, eyes screwing shut as you turn all your attention onto your husband’s cock.

“That feel good?” Thor asks, hand around the base of his cock. He grunts when Steve nods, his head thrown back in ecstasy. “C’mon, Stevie. Tell me how good your wife’s mouth feels on your dick.”

Steve swallows what little spit is left in his mouth before trying to remember how to speak. “It f-feels so good,” he’s breathless, chest straining as he tries not to come. “Wet and t-tight, the best thing I’ve ever felt.”

Thor grunts deep in his chest, as if he’s restraining himself. “Keeping going – and tell me when you’re about to cum.”

Steve moans when he hits the back of your throat, both hands now tangled in your hair. “F-feels so good, like she’s sucking the life out of me through my fucking dick- Oh fuck!”

You’re deep throating him now, breathing through your nose as you gag.

“T-Thor,” he moans, voice strained. “I-I think I’m-“

“Stop,” the man at the end of the bed commands as he continues fucking his fingers in and out of you. Reluctantly, you do as you’re told, ceasing all actions and giving Steve the most pitiful look you can muster.

“C’mere pretty girl,” Thor murmurs, leaving one last kiss at the most sensitive part of you. “It’s time for me to fuck you.”

You and Steve both moan deeply as he lifts himself to his feet and aligns himself with your center – hardened cock bobbing against his stomach. The sight is enough to make your center tighten, skin on fire as you wait for him to gift you reprieve.

“Such a perfect little pussy,” Thor mumbles to no one but himself, grinning wide as he enters you.

Little words are exchanged after that, Thor focusing on the feeling of your cunt instead of talking.

“Oh Thor-“ you moan, pulling away from Steve to throw your head back once more. “Oh shit holy-“

Thor just laughs, leaning down so he can kiss you. He places one hand next to your head for balance, the other moving to jerk Steve’s cock for you. His whole body works like a perfectly build machine, hips and hand working in tandem to get all three of you off. His movements are languid and purposeful, as if each muscle contraction and release was planned long, long ago in some expert fashion.

As Steve moans once again that he’s close, you remember what Thor had told you the day previous – that he had done this for other people attempting to build their families. In an instant, you were struck with the fear that this was somehow mechanical for him, something he was doing out of some sense of duty with half his brain focused on what he was going to have for dinner or what fruit was in season – something mundane and minutely distracting so he could phone it in and take the credit when the pregnancy test came back positive.  

Thor notices you’re drifting away, grabs you with one hand and coaxes your eyes to meet his. “Don’t worry about anything, baby,” he tells you, voice low in his chest. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

It’s comforting – you can’t describe why, don’t even understand why; but even if you could, Steve’s begging cuts your train of thought short.

“Fuck please,” his voice is high and desperate, anything left of his precious Captain America façade torn to shreds by the possibility of denial. “Please let me come!”

Thor just shakes his head and smiles, putting him through the same torture as he did before but continuing fucking you – ignoring Steve’s cries as he rubs at your clit.

“Ignore him, baby,” he murmurs to you, “C’mon, focus on how good it’s gonna feel when I make you come.”

That’s all it takes for you to lose yourself, to throw your head back and buck your hips up and scream as loud as your exhausted lung will allow. At the last second before you reach your peak Thor moves away from you to grab the back of Steve’s head, pulling the man into a deep kiss.

“Fuck,” Thor groans against Steve’s lips. “Fuck you’re both so gorgeous I’m, fuck, I’m gonna-“

Thor releases himself inside of you with a deafening shout, moaning into Steve’s mouth as his come spills out of you. You’re speechless, watching them kiss above you while you pant.

For a moment there’s silence – the thick scent of sex and the wet sounds of their mouths and your pussy being the only things that fill the air. The only thing that cuts through it is Thor’s gruff voice instructing Steve to take his place between your legs.

The shuffling is awkward but gives you a minute to breathe, the clouds in your brain clearing with a few seconds of being left alone. Unlike Steve, Thor lays next to you on his side, one hand framing your jaw as he kisses you deeply.

Steve takes a moment to admire Thor’s cum dripping out of your pussy, resisting the urge to kneel down and lay his tongue there and drink it all down.

He swallows what little spit is left in his mouth as he enters you, body trembling as his eyes roll to the back of his head. The feeling of your pussy – though familiar – is sublime; mixed with the feeling of Thor’s cum inside of you makes him want to cry from the overwhelming pleasure.

He doesn’t, though, he somehow gets his brain and cock to reconnect so that he can fuck you despite his entire body screaming. You’re sensitive – if Steve couldn’t read your body language, your screaming moans and eyes screwed shut would tell him. It’s a precious thing to see you in such a feral state, to see you fucked out and desperate and begging to be pushed over the cliff again and again and again. You’re normally a very professional woman – always put together and well-spoken and knowledgeable in any subject necessary.  To see you incoherent, lost to the pleasure – it’s something special Steve is determined to remember for the rest of his days.

“Such a good boy,” Thor tells him when he notices Steve’s concentration fading. “You fuck your wife so well for me,” he turns to you, leaving a kiss at the corner of your panting mouth. “Doesn’t your husband fuck you so good?”

“Y-yes,” you reply after you take a second to process what he’s asking of you. “Steve’s so good at fucking a baby into me, makes me feel so good I, oh!”

Something in Steve snaps as he listens to Thor, elicits something primal that makes him dig his fingers into the pit of your pushed-up knees as he pounds into you without mercy.

“Gonna-“ Steve moans. “Gonna fuck our baby into you, gonna make sure everyone knows how good I fuck you, fuck!”

Thor just smiles all big and toothy, looking between your face and Steve’s. Just as confident as before, he trails the same hand as before between your breasts and down your stomach, rubbing at your sensitive nub once more.

“You can do it, baby,” he whispers to you, coaxing another orgasm out of you with skilled fingers. “You’re so beautiful, I want to watch you come again. You can do that, right? You can come again for me?”

You shake your head, too overwhelmed to form coherent sentences. “I, I- “

“Shh,” he trails his thumb – still soaked with your slick and his precum – “It’s okay, my little dove. You can do it once more for me and Steve. C’mon, you can do it with him, right?”

You don’t speak, don’t move, don’t do anything – too focused on the feeling of Thor next to you and Steve on top of you and Thor rubbing at your clit and Steve fucking your pussy and the warmed sheets between your fingers and the sweat pooling between your breasts and-

“Fuck!” Steve’s screams mirror your own internal monologue. “Fuck I’m-“

Thor uses the thumb that was just under your lip to grab Steve’s jaw, forcing their eyes to meet just as he had done many times before. “Come for me.”

You and Steve’s orgasms come at the same time, the both of you twitching as you fall slowly, deliriously, from the shared delicious high.

When the French coined folie a duex, you’d always assumed it was about some madness that happened to manifest in two people. But what is defined as “madness?” Could it be the sweet satisfaction that flows through each of your veins like gold? Could it be the vacant contentment behind Steve’s eyes? Could it be the vacant content behind yours?

Somehow, Thor maneuvers the two of you so that all three of you can lay there, out of breath and sweaty all over as each of you stares at separate spots on the ceiling.

You’re the one to break the silence, stuck between the two men in the center of the large bed. “Do you think it worked?”

Steve turns towards you, leaning on one arm while the other spreads itself over your stomach. “I think so.”

Thor turns over next, mirroring Steve’s position. Free hand, though, goes to cup your face, pulling you in for a quick peck on the lips before guiding you to Steve for a much deeper kiss.

“I think so, too,” the large man says eventually, watching as you and Steve remain locked together. He doesn’t think either of you can hear him, but he smiles at the softness on both of your faces nonetheless.

[its-ya-boi-autumn]

Alright look-

My little Cells At Work phase is likely going to be short-lived and I'm probably only going to manage to get 2 or 3 works out before it ends but I'll still add it to the Masterlist, though I'm not so sure of making its own section rather than just putting like "Other Animes" or like "Phases", I don't know just yet, but I'll figure it out.

Requests for this anime are also accepted for whenever, even after the phase passes I'll still write for this one~ Though I'm not so sure about smut because, well, they're cells, and they're asexual. I just find it strange and out of pocket since they're not necessarily 'human' (I have nothing against like mythical creatures or folk lore/legends and sexual content, I just think cells are different, it'll depend on my mood I suppose)

In the meantime have some neutrophil 1146 content because I was gonna write some killer t stuff but decided it would be best to start with someone easier (plus 1146 is the reason for this whole thing in the first place)

Word Count: 1455

Warnings/Contents: RBC!+GN!reader

This was the day you dreaded. The thought of carrying carbon dioxide through the heart to gather oxygen had been crossing your mind for ages, your superior warning you of the difficulties you may encounter. Though your concern wasn't getting lost or any sort of infection. It was simply other cells. You'd think being a red blood cell, you'd get used to all of the other cells around you. That wasn't quite the case however, still feeling anxious around large groups of cells you'd never met, which of course was often. This left you in a state of constant alertness, ready to move or take cover at given moment.

You continued staring at the map in front of you, wasting time. Though you couldn't wait much longer. Sighing, you folded your map up and scrunched it into your pocket along with your notes. You rolled your cart forward towards the inferior vena cava, trying to use some grounding to calm yourself. Your superior warned you of the crowdedness of the area beforehand so you'd be somewhat prepared.

Before entering though you figured getting some sort of energy would probably be best. You hadn't even been through the first trek and you were already exhausted by just the thought of having to transfer through just the first wave. There was a little vending machine nearby, you could probably get some glucose before the trip no problem.

Standing in front of the menu presented in bright lighting you browsed your options for a minute before just choosing the cheapest option. The pink and purple swirls caught your eye. You gave the vending machine its exchange before the glucose fell into the slot. As you bent down to pick it up however, someone bumped into your behind.

Upon the contact you immediately stumbled over, falling onto your hip with a pang of an ache shooting through your side.

"Ouch! Hey watch where you're-" you looked up at the perpetrator only to be met with a plane of white. His skin, his hair, even his combat gear, was all stark white.

"-going..." you trailed off, taken aback at the sight of him. He was unfamiliar, you'd never seen him before nor anyone like him. The grey shadows of his hair shaded the light blush on his cheeks.

"Oh, my bad." he said, reaching a gloved hand out to you. You took it, allowing him to haul you up and back onto your feet. You caught a glimpse of his hat. White Blood Cell 1146. You blinked a few times, the embarrassment and anxiety setting in.

"Yeah... It's alright though, I probably should of made sure no one was behind me before just bending down." you averted your gaze, eyes back onto the glucose still sitting patiently in the slot. I checked behind you again before reaching down to grab it.

"No, really, I should of been paying more attention." he refuted your response, tipping his hat to you a little likely to hide the pink on his face. A part of you felt kind of bad for nearly yelling at him, though he was right. It was totally his fault. You sighed, unwrapping the glucose and taking a few bites. The cold rang through your teeth though it was refreshing, replenishing your energy a lot more than you initially expected.

"Look, I told you, it's fine. Just be careful is all. I've got a delivery to make now so if you don't mind I'm pretty sure you're in my way. Please excuse me." you hadn't meant to come off so rude, though you really needed to get going. You were sure it didn't matter anyway, you likely wouldn't see him again. Pushing past him you carted your carbon dioxide out to the inferior vena cava. You could feel his eyes on you, though you didn't bother turning to meet them.

~

A little later on, after exchanging your carbon dioxide for that of oxygen, you made your way back around the heart to deliver it, finally done for a little while and able to catch a break. Your own heart was racing, your fingertips and toes throbbing with the adrenaline of being around so many other cells at once. You caught sight of the platelets heaving and ho-ing around the corner. You smiled, deciding to see what was going on.

"This vessel is currently under construction! Sorry about the inconvenience!" the little girl waving her flag announced to the other nearby cells, alerting them of their work.

"Hello little platelet! What's going on?" you asked, kneeling down to meet her eyes. She stopped waving her flag and gave you a smile.

"There was a minor abrasion a little bit ago, we're fixing it up though, so it should be good as new in no time!" she spoke excitedly, emphasizing her enthusiasm with a little hop and a toothy grin. You found this adorable, standing back to full height." Hopefully everything runs smoothly, see ya~" you gave her a wave, which she returned. You couldn't help yourself when it came to platelets. They were just so cute and they always worked so hard. You knew you did your part as well, though sometimes it didn't feel as good as theirs.

You heard a sound, a sort of rumbling from somewhere to your left. Your brows knit together, confusion scattering your previous thoughts. You turned your attention to the ground, the rubble bouncing around the tiles. You took a few steps back as you felt the ground shift below you. The sound made its way over to where you stood, directly in front of you. Other cells around you had begun to notice as well, their attention all on where you stood. Stunned, you continued to step backwards, not wanting to face whatever it was. Your eyes widened as the ground started to give, feeling the lurch downward.

Just as the floor cracked right under your feet and you sucked in a breath to scream out for help, you felt a force collide with your left side, shoving you to the right just in time for the ground to sink into a wide opening. The mouth of the hole gaped at you, scrambling to get up. You didn't even think to say thank you to whoever had saved your life, slightly feeling bad for not checking to see who it was. Though you didn't much care since they likely wouldn't of listened to you. Almost immediately, entities you'd never seen before started floating into the area. They're eyes scanned over their new surroundings, landing directly onto you.

"Ah, what have we here? A little red blood cell all cooped up in the arms of their savior?" the entity chuckled, it's voice possessing a feminine twinge to it. Its figure was covered in yellowish grape-like coating except for its hands, arms, and face. It had mentioned a savior. You turned your head up to notice the same white blood cell from earlier, glaring up at the germ.

"Oh- white blood cell-" he dropped you before you could finish, your head colliding with the tiles on the ground. You would have complained though you noticed him beelining directly for the entity, immediately slashing through it's body. Your eyes grew wide in shock, watching it's blood splatter across the other cells and the tiles in front of you. The white blood cell turned to face you, walking over to you as if he hadn't just murdered whatever that thing was.

"Hello again, are you alright?" he asked, his hand outstretched to you. You tsked, swatting his hand away and getting back up onto your own feet, brushing the dust off of your pants. Your hands set firm on your hips, brows knitted up at him.

"I'm fine, thank you." your harsh words threw him off guard. The white blood cells' cheeks flushed in embarrassment. You were being brash again, and in front of a large group of others after he had just saved you. Your expression softened and you sighed.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to come off rude sir." you rubbed the back of your neck, soothing the annoying ache of guilt. He drooped his head, avoiding eye contact.

"It's alright, I didn't really expect you to thank me. I did push you over twice today." he mentioned the event from earlier, cheeks blushing harder.

"Hey, it's alright. You were just doing your job. No hard feelings." you admitted, offering him a hand as some sort of awkward reassurance. He took it, his hands larger than yours and covering the majority of your palm. A smile crossed his face in appreciation of the gesture.

"Glad you don't have any negative feelings towards me then."

[tashgoose]

January/February commissions are now open! Feel free to ask any questions!

Commission site for more information and size examples. Please read the full tos before ordering.

Small postcard watercolour paintings for a flat rate of £55 GBP. Textured cold press or smooth hot press, and semi realistic or stylized. Includes edits to the sketch stage.

Three slots!

I'm just offering these small watercolours this month to keep things simple as its been a while and I don't want to overwhelm myself. I might open for other options like sketch sheets in the next few months and if I can get a bit more consistent and confident with digital paintings I might open for those as well!

More info and instructions under the cut

No price difference for stylized or semi realistic styles. But if you go for a semi realistic style it might only be a half body painting! If it’s a character like a little garden bird or a mouse I’ll be able to fit them in. But if it has humanoid proportions it’ll just be half body. If its something with longer/bigger proportions it may be even less. Feel free to ask about what I can fit in!

Backgrounds - Depending on how much space is left I'll include some simple background detail and colours to place the character more. Please let me know if you don't want any background colours or details!

Shipping Price - Tracking included!

Uk - £4

Europe - £7

USA, Canada and everywhere else - £8

Process and Edits

You’ll get a chance to check the rough sketch for the basic pose and proportions. Once that’s approved, I’ll finish the drawing and I can make smaller changes digitally.

You'll get two rounds of changes for the rough sketch and the finished sketch stages, four in total. If more adjustments are needed I will have to start charging extra. Once the final drawing is approved it will be transferred onto the postcard and there can be no more changes to the drawing.

Once its transferred and painted I can’t make changes to the original but I can make small corrections or simple colour adjustments digitally.  

Upon completion I will send you a high resolution file of the painting.

​If you've paid for shipping I'll send the postcard reinforced with sturdy card and kept waterproof with cellophane, and give you your tracking number.  

Will draw:

Any animal/creature, anthro or human character. Android/cyborg's to an extent.

Original and fan characters.

Fan art (results will be better if I'm familiar with the franchise)

Won't Draw:

Although I draw human characters I'm not comfortable with drawing real life people. Its a bit too personal for me and I'll be terrified of accidentally offending someone. So unless its "draw me as an animal" or something similar please don't ask me to draw you or a friend/family member.

Complex machinery, very complicated and detailed armour. (Might be able to do a simplified version)

Extreme gore (blood and small wounds are ok).

Nsfw, most fetishes and anything discriminatory.

I won’t heavily reference/copy another artist's, character, art style or pose.

By ordering a commission you agree to my tos

Please read the full tos before committing to order a commission.

​

If you would like to order one please fill out the form an email it to me at tashcrow.commissions@gmail.com

First come first serve to those ready to pay. Payment up front via paypal invoice. I’ll invoice you once I know what you want and when I'm ready to start your commission.

If you take a slot and don’t respond after a week (before payment) I’ll have to remove your slot.

Please tell me if somethings come up/you’ve changed your mind about the commission.

​Commissions are non refundable.

Watercolour Postcard Commission Form

Username/s

Paypal address

Character name

Character species - If the character is a mythical or made up creature please note real animal inspirations as well. Especially if you have a stylized reference.

Character info – Just a few notes on their personality.

Character refs – Please link or attach your references. If you don’t have any refs please include a description with photos and/or inspiration images. Please note, its in my tos not to copy or heavily reference someone else’s style or character design. These are just to give me an idea of the kind of look you want. (If you are looking for a final, finished design these aren’t the best commissions for it! But they’ll be fine if you just want to explore some ideas.)

Preferences – Poses, expressions and the general mood of the painting. Please note that these are just small illustrations. Complex ideas and scenes wont work with these.  

​Paper - Cold press or Hot press

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Want the original shipped?

If yes please include your address.

Any other relevant info?

If this is a birthday gift or something similar I can refrain from uploading the artwork until a specified date.

[radramblog]

Planeswalkers in Cube: White

It’s been a while since I’ve discussed cube, I think, and also a while since I’ve just dived into a stupidly long topic without thinking too hard about it. And so here we go.

Planeswalkers are kind of in an interesting place in Cubes. Most of the time, they’re powerful midrange or control threats, but a lot of them have more specialised roles that can make them better suited to particular cubes. They’re also popular to include, seeing as they’re big, cool, and splashy, and a lot of people really like playing with them. What home exists for something like Liliana, Death’s Majesty in any other format? (I know it’s fine in commander hush)

However, you can only afford so many slots for Walkers in your cube, depending on how you treat them. And so, you’re not going to see all of them very often. Here, we’re going to go through all of them, colour by colour, and figure out why you should or shouldn’t play them, and which go better in different builds. Starting off, as many things do, with Mono-White.

Some ground rules: I’m not going to talk about the Planeswalker deck cards in this post, because the answer to whether you should play them is pretty much universally “no, why”. I’m also not going to talk about the creature->planeswalker transform cards, because they get treated more like creatures in a Cube environment. Jace, Vryn’s Prodigy is kinda just Merfolk Looter.

My next point before I talk actual cards: I’m far from an expert on this sort of thing, and this is going to be my opinions! If you want a different perspective, Season 4 episode 6 of Solely Singleton is a great podcast about this exact topic, though it’s two and a half years old at this point so some things might be a bit outdated.

Finally: White is a colour that tends to get more good Planeswalkers than other colours. Turns out, most Gideons and token-producing walkers are good in slower decks, who’d a thunk it. So unlike, say, Black, the average here is a bit higher than most of the time.

Let’s get into it!

 Ajani Goldmane

Ajani is kind of a classic, but the original iteration is kind of showing its 14 years of age. It’s a 4-mana walker (which is a very competitive slot) with a +1 that doesn’t really do anything, a turn-3 ultimate that dies to removal, and while the minus is good (see cards like Unbreakable Formation, or other Ajanis), it requires a board and isn’t really worth a four mana cast.

I had thought he’d be good in more budget lists, though. Except he hasn’t been printed since 2010 and so even though he sees no play he’s still like 5 bucks. So I’d pass on this version of cat dad.

 Elspeth, Knight-Errant

On the other hand, Elspeth pt.1 is still one of the best Planeswalkers you can play. She makes blockers for days, can push through some serious damage, and does both of those things while getting more resilient rather than less. Her ultimate might not be game-breaking, but since she’s constantly pushing towards it anyway you don’t really mind. Also she’s only 4 mana, holy moly.

Elspeth is good in aggro, good in midrange, and arguably still more than playable in control. At 12ish dollars, it’s not the ideal price point, but if you can afford it (or have one sitting around), she’s absolutely worth the include.

 Gideon Jura

Gideon 1 is a bit more specific. Aggro is not going to want him, seeing as the minus does basically nothing in that deck and the +2 isn’t really worth your time at 5 mana. On the other hand, this card is nuts in control. It’s a hard-to-kill wincon that is also removal that fuels its own condition and survives boardwipes. Gideon Jura is a chad in those decks, and kind of takes over the game the moment he comes down.

The other nice thing about Gideon Jura is that due to recent reprints in Mystery Booster and his Signature Spellbook, as well as not being very good in Commander, he’s ludicrously cheap. You can get one of these for under a dollar, making it perfect for budget cubes (that still include rares). Although, at that point, he might be warping to a cheaper format where aggro is worse, so keep an eye on him.

 Elspeth Tirel

Elspeth’s second incarnation (which is the one with her last name, because ???) is significantly worse than her first. If you’re in a slower deck where you want the ultimate, she’s probably not going to live to make it there. If you want the tokens, there are better options at cheaper mana costs. And you don’t want the +2, unless you somehow have a decent board against a red aggro deck.

I remember really liking this card when I first started playing Magic. That was a long time ago, and we have had much better options in the near-decade since then.

 Ajani, Caller of the Pride

The first 3-mana walker on this list, and one that shows the conservativeness WoTC had when first testing them at that mana cost. Just kidding, this came out after Liliana of the Veil.

Ajani 3is theoretically fine in an aggressive deck, but white has some seriously good 3-drop creatures that you’d rather just cast instead. Because when your options are a Blade Splicer or putting a +1/+1 counter on your two drop…I’m taking that token. And let’s not act like this card has any place in a midrange or control deck.

 Gideon, Champion of Justice

This was the first Planeswalker I ever opened, so I have a soft spot for it. But not enough of one to put it in my cube.

As potentially threatening as this Gideon is, he basically doesn’t do anything? While token decks might have a hard time taking him out, seeing as his loyalty can get pretty huge against them, they can also just block him forever. The ultimate is a game-ender, but also would leave Gideon so small that your opponent might just have enough time to draw lands and get back in the game. And he doesn’t do anything to protect himself aside from get big, and doesn’t really progress your board, so. Sorry Gids, you’ll get them next time.

 Elspeth, Sun’s Champion

Elspeths alternate being good, I guess. Elspeth, Sun’s Champion is basically unplayable outside of slow midrange or control, but is utterly incredible in those decks! She wipes out anything that would threaten her and makes enough blockers to easily protect either herself or you, and stalls long enough that those tokens can turn into a wincon via her ultimate.

It is not as universally powerful as the four-drop Elspeth, but the 6-drop one undeniably shapes the game when she hits the table. She stops aggro in its tracks, and nukes the shit out of midrange, especially green-based decks. I suppose there are times when she might be awkward to cast because she hits your own threats…but then just hold her back or +1, dude.

 Ajani Steadfast

Ajani Steadfast is kind of trying to be a better version of Ajani Goldmane. And yet, funnily enough, the Vigilance on Goldmane’s -1 is so important, as is being a -1 instead of a -2, so he’s kind of in a similar tier. The loyalty counter upside is so utterly niche that it might as well not exist, but the +1 is unquestionably much better at least.

Like with Goldmane, Ajani Steadfast isn’t really doing anything at 4 that cheaper cards don’t do better. And he’s at about the same price point. At least the ultimate is better?

 Nahiri, the Lithomancer

Nahiri is really specific. Like, if you’re at a power level where you have equipment worth playing Nahiri with, then you’re probably at a power level where she’s completely outclassed by things like Angel of Invention or…I mean, most other playable 5s. And some unplayable ones.

…I just remembered this card has 3 starting loyalty. On a 5-drop walker. You can -2 her and she’ll die to literally a goblin token. I sure hope that Equipment you got had Living Weapon!

 Gideon, Ally of Zendikar

The first 4-drop that really steps to Elspeth, Knight-Errant. This Gideon is kind of just good in any deck- aggro decks like a 5/5 top end that makes a token T1 or just is an unkillable Glorious Anthem, midrange loves an infinite source of 2/2 to block or beat down with, and control loves an infinite source of blockers that can clean up after a wipe. He’s just kind of a disgusting piece of cardboard for a whole variety of decks, making him easily one of the best walkers in the entire format.

Also he’s…surprisingly cheap? After one “real” printing, and being on The List (which doesn’t do much, trust me), Gideon Ally of Zendikar is still only like 5 bucks. So if you can justify spending that much on one card…probably do that? He won’t let you down.

 Gideon of the Trials

Unlike our first 3-mana walker, this one is more than playable in slower decks. Gideon of the Trials is kind of awkward for aggressive decks, put what he does do is effectively remove some seriously big threats, adjust for whichever is the biggest problem around, and still punches peoples as a 4/4 Gideon. And he also has the unique benefit of being a Planeswalker that makes combo decks think twice, given that Emblem- though you’ll still go to 0 life if Splinter Twin or a similar combo is in play, and then die since they probably killed him too there.

Once again, though, this card is pretty cheap, sitting at about 3 bucks. As we get towards the more recent end of this list, a lot of these cards are going to look like that. I remember when I made my first cube, with the restriction of “Rares/Mythics that are under $2 US”, and getting 0 white Planeswalkers. I was playing the Planeswalker deck Gideon, for fuck’s sake! Things are so much better now.

Ajani, Adversary of Tyrants

I could never really get a good read on this Ajani. It’s obviously something control doesn’t want, and the +1 isn’t doing a huge amount in midrange decks. But the -2 is powerful in creature-based decks, and the +1 is solid for quicker builds, but not enough to really justify 4 mana? There’s a lot of power here, but the parts kind of form a strange whole.

I guess it depends a lot on how deep that 2-drop slot is in your cube, and how deep the 4-drop slot is. Because you kinda need good 2s and medium 4s for Ajani to really shine. I’m a little bothered by how meh Ajanis are apparently in general in Cube, but the multicoloured ones are a bit more solid.

 Gideon Blackblade

Take Gideon of the Trials, make it not playable in control, and make it really fucking good in aggressive decks. There you go, that’s Gideon Blackblade. Cheap in money and in mana, he’s here to die, aside from the part where he’s hard to kill.

The +1 on this card is not super great, but you have to keep in mind that you get that at the same time as Gideon being a creature. Honestly, it’s kind of easier to think of this card as a creature with a triggered ability than as a planeswalker, at least as far as cube is concerned. It also helps that the -6 isn’t actually that hard to hit, considering you can keep a creature back by giving it vigilance. He’s quite solid, and might just be the best aggro walker White gets. Certainly at 3, at least.

 Teyo, the Shieldmage

A bit of a step down from our last 3-drop, Teyo is clearly not built for the same formats as Gideon Blackblade. But with him, we can talk about weaker formats, like Peasant, where Teyo is…still not great? 3 mana gets you a pair of 0/3s and immunity to burn spells, which I suppose control might like in formats where you don’t really get board wipes, but I can’t imagine any other deck wanting him. And that’s not a great place to be.

 The Wanderer

Much like Teyo, I don’t think even Peasant wants this. I do think it’s kinda better- their static abilities are virtually the same, except Mx. ??? here extends the burn protection to your creatures. And they do serve as removal, but its both expensive and narrow. Like, how often is this just going to kill a 4/4 and then get killed by their 2/2? I wouldn’t play Smite the Monstrous but it gains 2 life.

I’m interested to see this character return at some point. Maybe next time they can be playable. Some of the uncommon walkers from WAR were great for Peasant (and some even in higher formats), but this isn’t one of them.

 Serra the Benevolent

Okay, so. 4 mana Serra Angel that can stick around to make another one is quite powerful! Though the +2 basically does nothing, it’s still a +2, meaning you can get an unkillable Worship the turn after you play this if you aren’t under pressure, or go token into pump into token. Serra is clearly quite solid!

However, it suffers from two issues. One, it’s competing for that 4-drop slot, and is less playable than Elspeth or Gideon in slower decks since she makes tokens slower than those two do. The tokens are more threatening for sure, but token decks generally want more tokens rather than bigger tokens. And two: it’s more expensive than Gideon and similar in price to Elspeth, not to mention another card we’ll get to later, so she’s not even getting into cheaper cubes. Since a lot of cube slots like this are taken by cards with more general playability, Serra is going to sit on the sidelines more often than she maybe should. If you’re at like a 720 list, though, spare her a thought.

 Ajani, Strength of the Pride

Take everything I just said about Serra, and make it worse, basically. I suppose 4 mana for two Ajani’s Pridemates is fine, but the plus doesn’t do anything (unless you have those tokens, in which case it’s okay) and you are never activating that 0 unless you’re already winning.

Oh also he’s more expensive than she is and is still at the same mana cost. Yeah nah I wouldn’t bother. Ripper in my Cat EDH deck though.

 Elspeth, Sun’s Nemesis

This card is actually really interesting. Our last Elspeth is still mono-white, despite the art and flavour, but she almost doesn’t play like she is. I think most of the time, she’s likely to make 4 tokens and then probably cack it, but the Escape on this is really interesting. By the time you reach 6 mana, you probably will just have enough cards in the yard to cast this again.

I really don’t know how to interpret this card. She’s in my own cube, but I don’t remember seeing her cast yet, so that’s not really any help. My guess is that she’s mostly good in slower decks, but also making and pumping tokens does output a fair bit of damage over time. She’s only like a dollar, so maybe try her out? At least she won’t be an expensive mistake if she is one.

 Basri Ket

Mr. Sandman here is pretty much just a better Ajani, Caller of the Pride. The +1 does more, the -2 actually puts things on board and is better for aggressive decks to get value out of, and the ultimate is actually attainable. He’s basically aggro-only, but he’ll get the job done in those decks.

However, the 3-mana Gideons kind of just outshine Basri here. He does literal jack squat without a creature on board, and his -2 is quite weak with only one or two attacking creatures to work with. The ultimate is nice, but +1ing over and over is extremely bleh, and you probably have better things to do. So sorry, Basri, maybe next time.

 Grand Master of Flowers

Bahamut, you aren’t fooling anyone, it’s on the typeline. For reference, Monk of the Open Hand is a 1/1 for W that gets a +1/+1 counter if you cast two spells in a turn- so it’s not really worth running? And even if you do put it in your cube, there’s no guarantee you’ll have both in a deck, or want to play both in a deck…so…

Okay, fine, let’s assume you just get a copy of Monk of the Open Hand when you draft the card. I’m still not super enthused about this Planeswalker. The lockdown ability is going to miss more than you think it will, and a lot of the things it misses are the things likely to kill you. It can make a 1/1 every turn, but only one at a time, and if they exile it then the ability does stone nothing. And that “ultimate” takes forever to actually get to. Also it’s another 4-mana White Walker. I think I’ll pass on this one. Somehow, both Tiamat and Bahamut were disappointments.

 Teyo, Aegis Adept

I wasn’t sure whether or not to include this, but I didn’t really want to end on GMoF, so. I’ve done a whole post on the digital-only cards, and I do think Teyo, despite being a Planeswalker, is one of the less fucky ones. You will need to track a lot of things, though.

So how does the card stack up? Honestly, I think it’s surprisingly solid. Aggro probably isn’t that interested, though Lumbering Lightshield’s ETB (makes a random card in the opponent’s hand cost 1 more) could be a real pain if you’re lucky. It makes a 4/4 every other turn for a bit, which is quite solid, and the ultimate isn’t that unobtainable. And you don’t have to worry about money, because this could only ever exist as a proxy.

I’d be really interested to see how Teyo, Aegis Adept plays. I don’t think I’m likely to, outside of Arena-based cubes, with the whole stigma around these cards and the added layer of having to proxy them. But in an Arena cube, with a restricted list of cards he’s competing with (It’s Adversary of Tyrants forward), he could really shine.

 This concludes White Walkers, the post. Please join next week when we discuss Blue Walkers. Make your own Game of Thrones joke here, I haven’t watched or read it.

[raeynbowboi]

How to Play as Cyborg in DnD 5e

Next up in our Teen Titans marathon of builds, we’ll build Victor Stone, better known as Cyborg. I sure thought this was going to be a much simpler build, yet I’ve spent two days working and reworking it, and it ended up being nothing like I initially assumed. But in the end, I’m positive this was for the better, as it turned out much better than I expected.

Our first instinct is probably to make Cyborg a Warforged, but here’s the problem with that: Cyborg was born human. He needs to eat, sleep, breathe, these are all things Warforged don’t do. And Cyborg has multiple episodes fixated on maintaining his humanity. To not make him a human is to completely miss the point of his character. Obviously, he is no longer a Standard Human. He has changed. We’ll call him a Variant Human, and we’ll give him Heavy Armor Mastery to reduce non-magical melee damage by 3. We’ll give him +1 INT/+1 CON and he’ll get +1 STR from his free feat.

Mythic Odysseys of Theros gave us the Athlete background. You get proficiency with Athletics and Acrobatics. Next, we’ll pick two Fighter skills, we’ll go for Intimidation and Perception. You’re a big tough guy, and there’s probably a radar or GPS somewhere in all that machinery.

We’re largely a team player, but on more than one occasion we’ve left the team to try and become a solo hero or lead another team. I’d say we’re Chaotic Good.

FIGHTER Brute

We’ll kick off our Cyborg Build as a Fighter. Don’t worry, we’ll be multi-classing, but starting as a Fighter starts us off with Heavy Armor proficiency, which is nice. Plus, we were a human athlete long before we ever became part robot. The Brute Fighter adds 1d4 to every damage roll, meaning you really pack a whollap. It’s almost as if you’ve got brass knuckles or something. Speaking of knuckles, Cyborg likes to punch things, so we’ll pick Unarmed Combat from the Fighting Style options. We deal 1d8 + STR bludgeoning damage when punching with two hands, or 1d6 + STR when our other hand is busy holding something. At 7th level, we get to add 1d6 to saving throws, and if that puts the roll above 20, it’s treated as rolling a nat 20. At 10th level, the extra 1d4 damage increases to 1d6. At 15th level, when you land a crit, you add your Brute Fighter Level to the damage roll, meaning you’re putting out 2d8+5+1d6+15 (23-42) with two hands, or 3d6+20 (23-38) when you’re one-handed. That’s a whole lot of ouch. The next level up is even better, since at level 16, your extra 1d6 damage becomes 1d8. Meaning that by level 16, you’re dealing 3d8+21 (24-45) damage on a two-handed crit, or 2d6+1d8+21 (24-41) on a one-handed crit. And with three actions per turn, the odds of landing all that ouch are pretty high. If you’re allergic to UA subclasses, Champion also works, just not as well.

ARTIFICER Artillerist

Once you’ve started as a Fighter, we can hop on over to Artificer and choose the Artillerist. This gives us an Eldritch Cannon, which we’ll make Tiny so we can hold it in our right hand. We’ll be primarily using the Force Ballista, which has a range of 120 feet, deals 2d8 force damage, and pushes objects 5 feet away from the cannon. If you really want to focus on the cannon, it’ll increase to 3d8 at 9th level, but Cyborg is supposed to be the Tank/DPS of the party. Firing from long range is Starfire’s specialty. Instead, it’s better to have more levels of Fighter and hit more often, and just have the Artificer as much as necessary for ranged combat. But don’t fret, because that Cannon is going to get a lot of usage, because it can be fired on every bonus action, which as a Fighter means you’re going to be dishing out a ton of pain. You can be one-arm boxing an enemy within melee range, while sniping another enemy clear on the other side of the battlefield, and with 3 attacks per turn in the late game, Cyborg has the option to be dishing out 4 attacks total per turn. There’s a reason he’s the muscle of the team.

CYBORG’S SPELLS

Cantrips Mending Message (Titan Communicators)

1st Level Grease Longstrider Jump Shield Thunderwave

To be fair, if we’re going to use our spell slots for anything, its building another Eldritch Cannon if the first one is destroyed. Plus, everything Cyborg could do at first level, Raven can do better, and she has a lot more spell slots to put to it.

ARTIFICER INFUSIONS

Due to our low level, we only get 4 infusions. Now some specify having weapons, but we chose Unarmed Combat. Me personally, I take that as meaning our hands are our weapons, but check with your DM how they consider it, because there’s also a lot of fighter features that only trigger with a weapon attack, so don’t use this build if your DM is stingy about Unarmed Combat not counting as a Weapon attack, because otherwise a lot of your features aren’t going to trigger.

ARMOR OF TOOLS Integrate Tinkerer’s Tools into your armor, add your INT mod to tool checks made with those Tinkerer’s tools.

ENHANCED DEFENSE Increase your AC by +1.

MIND SHARPENER If you fail a spell concentration saving throw, use a reaction to pass instead.

REPLICATE MAGIC ITEM: GOGGLES OF NIGHT Cyborg can create Goggles of Night, letting him see in the dark.

If your DM lets you treat your Hands as weapons drop Mind Shapener and pick up Enhanced Weapon.

ENHANCED WEAPON Add +1 to weapon attack rolls and damage rolls.

ARMORY

Cyborg needs Heavy Armor to act as his robotic body. Molten Bronze Skin (Plate) from Mythic Odysseys of Theros is a new rare heavy armor that is skin-fitting and can be worn under clothes and doesn’t impose stealth disadvantage, which is important, because Cyborg has never made so much noise that he gave away his party. Because it’s molded to his body, it can’t be removed unless he chooses to doff it. Thus,  we have a human who is basically made of metal. How bout that?

As the Tank of the party, only three stats really matter to Cyborg’s Build: Strength will determine how much damage he deals with his punches, Constitution will ensure that he has a big pool of health so he doesn’t die all the time like a wimp, and Intelligence because his Eldritch Cannon’s accuracy is aimed like casting a spell. Because he’s heavily armored, his Dexterity won’t affect his AC, and to be fair, Cyborg isn’t very nimble. He seems quite bulky and heavy-footed. All those Fighter ASI give us the kind of stats I’d hoped to give Starfire.

STR 20 DEX 10 CON 20 INT 18 WIS 10 CHA 8

I spent one of his too many ASI to give him Tough to further maximize his HP. You could max out his INT, but as Raven is the party Intelligence caster, it’s valid to want her INT to be higher than Cyborg’s. With a final HP score of 260 and an AC of 19, Cyborg is starting to look a bit like a one-man army. Not only that, but he reduces non-magical melee damage by 3, and adds 1d6 to saving throws, meaning ranged spell attacks are the only great way to hurt him without him possibly reducing the damage.

HAVE A HEART, TIN-MAN Brute Fighter (16) Artillerist Artificer (4)

STR 20 DEX 10 CON 20 INT 18 WIS 10 CHA 8

ARTIFICER INFUSIONS Armor of Tools Enhanced Armor Enhanced Weapon/Mind Sharpener Replicate Magic Item: Goggles of Night

Between the super charged melee damage, and the fact that Cyborg can also fire his Eldritch Cannon as much as he wants makes this a great combination. He doesn’t need spell slots just to shoot it like some other casters, making it a truly great dual-wielding option. He’s got the HP to shrug off damage, and the power to decimate his opponents. He becomes weaker when he pulls out his cannon in terms of melee combat, but it’s twice as powerful as his two-handed boxing, so it’s a good trade-off.

Variant Rule: Mythic Odysseys of Theros

Unscarred. As a reaction, reduce damage taken by 1d12 + CON mod once per long rest.

Piety: Purphoros, God of the Forge

+3 Cast Shield of Faith equal to your INT mod per long rest. +10 Cast Heat Metal once per long rest. You have advantage against being knocked prone. +25 Use your reaction to avoid being pushed. +50 Increase your Strength or Intelligence by 2 to a maximum of 22.

We set out to make Cyborg a high damage DPS striker who could tank a hit like it was nothing, and I think we’ve accomplished that with this build. Some might argue for a 12/8 split, and it’s certainly passable, but Cyborg really doesn’t need it. He’s not a caster. Cyborg is the muscle, and that’s what he’s doing. He’s only an Artificer for the arm cannon, otherwise, he’s primarily a melee fighter, and I don’t want to waste his levels on something that’s not his primary focus.

[inventors-fair]

Rising Action: Commentary

I appreciate your patience, everyone! You've waited long enough, so no further ado!

NOTE: If this week's feedback feels harsher than normal, just remember that this challenge put a lot of restrictions on your designs. The designs this week certainly aren't worse on average, but all the extra restrictions make it easier to pick out individual critiques. So, hard hats on for this week's inspection!

@aethernalstars​ - Regrowth of the Vastwood // Oran-Rief, Reborn

Slot: Vastwood Fortification // Vastwood Thicket. The MDFCs have their own sheet in the set, so they can only really replace each other. Luckily (if expectedly) Green already has a +1/+1 counter DFC to replace, though this is a more powerful enabler for that archetype. This uses Landfall explicitly, but the MDFCs always enable Landfall so that doesn't significantly improve its fit in the set.

Card: Mechanically, this is a pretty neat little callback to Retreat to Kazandu and Murasa Ranger. Narrow cards like this are actually great choices for modal lands, though I suspect the double-gating on this one (only green creatures and requiring a mana cost) is probably a little too narrow for something that appears as often in Limited as this does.

Nitpicks/Templating: The target hiding in the second half of this ability is strange, as you'll actually have to choose that target before you decide whether or not to pay. This would be an opportune place to use a recursive trigger, replacing "If you do" with "When you do", to avoid that weirdness. Also, only the mythic MDFCs got names that sounded legendary; all the others are named like standard nonbasics.

Overall: I agree that Oran-Rief probably deserved more than an Ooze, I'm glad somebody went for it.

--

Allison - Tarrasque, Party Crasher

Slot: Nissa of Shadowed Boughs, probably? Mythic slots are always tight, and this exact color combination is already represented there, so the only real option would be replacing that card for this one. At the very least they both play into the Landfall theme. That said, this actively punishes the Party mechanic, which is generally something you want to avoid when selling the themes of your set.

Card: Cards that rely on your opponents' deck construction to turn on are always a little iffy, as they're generally either great or terrible. Ignoring the parts you can't control though, this is still a huge threat that your opponents will have to answer immediately, and even when they do every land drop will just bring it back. This is probably a little expensive (or unreliable, at least) to see play in Constructed, and basically just 'game over' in Limited.

Nitpicks/Templating: Cost reduction abilities call themselves "this spell" nowadays, and this one would be be awkward to template nonetheless: probably, "This spell costs {1} less to cast for each creature in the party of the opponent with the most creatures in their party." Conversely, the Landfall trigger would refer to the card by name. I know, it's a little confusing.

Overall: I don't doubt that the D&D set this summer will feature a Tarrasque, and I suspect the Party mechanic as well. Maybe hold onto this one until then.

--

@dimestoretajic​ - The Last Relic

Slot: Myriad Construct. Colorless rare with kicker has a couple options, though this probably nabs the creature slot among those. This one doesn't support the +1/+1 counter theme as nicely as the Construct does, and I can't think of any other themes it's contributing to.

Card: Independently, this is a fairly reasonable design for a kicker Vehicle. The rate seems a little high for either the Vehicle half or the colorless 7-mana 5/5 evasive finisher, so having a card that can be either is probably well above rate, at least in Limited.

Nitpicks/Templating: You actually don't need a triggered ability for the kick effect: "If CARDNAME was kicked, it's a creature in addition to its other types" works fine.

Overall: I'm assuming this is intended to be a rare capstone to the uncommon Relic cycle, which is honestly a pretty nifty idea.

--

@emmypupcake - Seek Allies

Slot: Murasa Rootgrazer. The only muticolor uncommons in this set are the signpost ones, so this would be competing for space with that. Since the GW theme in this set is Landfall, changing the signpost slot to something that doesn't support that would cause a few issues.

Card: I actually really like what this is doing, though the rate on it is a little unimpressive. Eladamri's Call is cheaper, more flexible, and instant speed; while you don't need to compete with that for power level directly, it probably warrants a change or two to make that comparison less obvious.

Nitpicks/Templating: Looks good.

Overall: I agree that this is definitely the color pair I would expect this effect in, despite the structure of the set. We'll keep our fingers crossed for it in the D&D set this summer.

--

@fractured-infinity​ - Twinspell Mage

Slot: Coralhelm Chronicler, though the design itself is awkwardly similar to Sea Gate Stormcaller. You would likely want to either upshift the rarity to replace Stormcaller, or change the design not to hit so many of the same notes.

Card: You're not the only one to take advantage of the new flexibility of copy effects, though I wouldn't actually expect them to be that prevalent going forward. This probably isn't a totally unreasonable rate for that effect, as it costs extra for both the flexibility with kicker and the higher cost of copying permanent spells, though there's an argument that one more mana on the kicker would still be pretty good.

Nitpicks/Templating: You probably still want a line allowing you to change targets, since this doesn't only target permanent spells - and even permanent spells sometimes have targets.

Overall: I wouldn't be surprised to see something like this printed at some point.

--

@hypexion​ - Inscription of Authority

Slot: Archon of Emeria. There are a few slots in each set just for format regulators, and both of these cards are serving that role. Neither is a great rare to pull in limited, but small evasive creature and awkward inflexible removal are probably on a similar power level, with the Inscription being a slight upgrade for White in the set.

Card: This is mostly just a removal spell with a kicker to get the second two abilities, as you'll rarely spend the card to do the other two. The second ability is pretty awkward to use; you'll have to caste it in the upkeep and hope that it hurts your opponent's plans somehow. Preventing lands from untapping isn't a particularly fun effect, and in Constructed that's often going to be Silence.

Nitpicks/Templating: Those are some unusual effects, but I think you managed to template them accurately. Kudos.

Overall: I can see why they decided finishing the Inscription cycle was so hard.

--

@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes​ - Relic of Resonance

Slot: Lithoform Engine or Forsaken Monument. Mythic Legendary colorless artifact surprisingly has a couple options in this set. Engine feels closest to what this is doing, though this is much narrower than that; Monument is serving a throwback role in the set, so this would be more relevant to the set's themes but would cost it that element. Also consider that downshifting it to rare would allow it to take the place of Throne of Makindi.

Card: I actually really like the idea of this inclusion in the set. My biggest issue with it was just how narrow it was, as kicker is only one theme in the set and colorless cards are best at bridging themes with diverse colors. With a little extra going on, this likely would've been in the winner's circle this week.

Nitpicks/Templating: This wants to specify "spells" rather than "cards", and I'm not sure there's a compelling reason to limit how much you can reduce the kicker cost. "Kicked spells you cast cost {2} less to cast" would achieve the same thing much more concisely.

Overall: I think there's a cool design that fuses this with Lithoform Engine that I would've been really pleased with.

--

@ignorantturtlegaming​ - Tribe of Heroes

Slot: Throne of Makindi, though it's not really straightforward adding multicolor cards like this. The fact that this is the exact same four colors as Omnath, Locus of Creation led me to think that was the slot it would be taking, but they're at different rarities. Having both would mean you need extra Black at at one of those rarities in order to maintain color balance.

Card: I'm not sure why this wasn't five-color, or even non-green - the colors for Party in this set are RB and WU. But then, this isn't actually a Party card: it uses the mechanic, but mostly circumvents what makes the mechanic interesting to play with: you don't even need to run other creatures in your deck for this to work. This plays into the flavour space of Party, but mechanically it isn't really supporting what that Party does for the set.

Nitpicks/Templating: You could probably get away with just listing the relevant types when creating the token, but the template you went with allows the token to be printed accurately. I think yours was probably the correct choice.

Overall: The mice are super cute. I don't totally get it, but you don’t need an excuse for cuteness.

--

@illharg-the-rave-boar​ - Master of Possibilities

Slot: Jace, Mirror Mage. Mythic slots are tight, and maintaining a (rough) balance of colors means yanking the one mono-Blue mythic already in. The result is less kicker support and more Wizards Party support, though at mythic they weren't contributing much to as-fan anyway. Somewhere in the midst of commentary, I lost track of how many mythics there were in the set: mono-Blue has two, and Sea Gate Stormcaller is definitely a more direct comparison for this card, as it plays into the Wizards and instant/sorcery themes in a similar way.

Card: My biggest issue with this design is how often the trigger just won't do anything - there are zero Wizards with Flash in Zendikar Rising, so Wizards and sorceries will generally trigger this for no benefit - especially in the Wizard tribal deck you would typically want to play this in. The idea is kinda clever, but the execution just doesn't really deliver on how cool the idea is.

Nitpicks/Templating: We've never seen a target self-replacement in a triggered ability like this, and I'm not convinced it works. Normally the ability wouldn't check your party size until resolution, but targets need to be chosen when the ability is put onto the stack. The template probably looks familiar because it's used on spells with things that are chosen before targets (like X values or kicker). This may be as simple as a rules update to cover it, but I'm not convinced there aren't other repercussions.

Overall: I feel like your Sphinx looks more like a typical Zendikari Sphinx than the one that did make it into the set.

--

@kavinika​ - Spear of Radiance

Slot: Akiri, Fearless Voyager. There's a cycle of ten rare two-color legends, so any multicolor rare would require breaking that up. Mechanically, this plays in some similar space to Akiri, with each providing one of the 'halves' of a Warrior/Equipment deck. Both offer protection and incentives for equipping, though this does so in a much narrower way.

Card: The most interesting part of the design is definitely the protection effect, which is an interesting take on what Akiri was doing and a fairly unusual approach for Equipment. If I had one qualm, I think I'd rather see the bonuses reversed: the untap effect does neat things with several non-Warriors in the set, and there aren't really any Warriors that can maximise it.

Nitpicks/Templating: You're missing a comma between your trigger and your effect (between "battlefield" and "attach"), and the condition in the activated ability should read "it's" rather than "it is". Both very minor quibbles.

Overall: I agree that that art would look very at home on Innistrad.

--

@mardu-lesbian​ - Tuktuk, the Ever-Returning

Slot: Crawling Barrens, probably. That's the closest we've got in colorless, at rare, and that synergises with Landfall. Losing the one creature land in the set feels like a big loss, but gaining a familiar legendary creature has its own advantages. Both are resilient threats that make drawing lands late in the game not feel so bad, so functionally the resulting formats probably look similar.

Card: Based on what I saw in the Discord, I believe your intent was for this to trigger from both your graveyard and the battlefield, so we'll assume that's how it works. Turning every land you draw into two tokens is pretty powerful - that's about on par with the first mode of Felidar Retreat, except this one can't be removed and sometimes doesn't cost mana. There are no good ways in Limited to permanently remove this card, and the Mill/Rogues draft archetype likely just can't win games where this is a factor. Outside of Limited, this is much more likely to exist in multiples and more likely to be free through self-mill, which sounds like a very, very powerful effect that would likely warp the Standard environment around itself.

Nitpicks/Templating: As implied above, as written this ability only works from the graveyard. Making an ability work from multiple zones requires stating so explicitly, and you generally don't want to do so with abilities that don't make equal sense in both zones. This would be a tough one to make work, though perhaps there's a clever template that I'm just overlooking.

Overall: I would've been really pleased to see more of Tuktuk.

--

@misterstingyjack​ - Roil Watcher

Slot: Tajuru Paragon. None of the other Green rares lean into the Party mechanic at all, so the committed member of the vertical cycle of multiclass creatures is the best bet. This trades out Kicker and additional Party synergies for (big) Landfall synergies, as well as synergy with MDFCs - this sounds pretty even, but because Kicker and Party both need the extra support in order to be playable themes, trading their support for themes that need it less might be a risky exchange.

Card: This is a neat way to interact with MDFCs and to turn on Landfall in the decks that want that - getting up to four additional triggers in a turn can be gamebreaking, but isn't always and the card doesn't feel overpowered at all. It has a similar feel to Nahiri's Lithoforming, leading me to believe it's probably an effect the Landfall decks really want.

Nitpicks/Templating: Effects that return your own lands generally don't target, and didn't in Zendikar Rising. As a general rule I would avoid targeting on anything unless making those choices before resolution actually leads to better gameplay, and opponents will rarely be able to interact with your lands at instant speed to make it matter here.

Overall: This one showed a really good grasp of the themes of the set. Kudos.

--

@nine-effing-hells​ - Total Party Kill

Slot: Shadow's Verdict, the Black rare sweeper for this set. Total Party Kill is definitely more aware of the set's themes, though it falls into the trap (pun intended?) of punishing what the rest of the set is trying to encourage. Party isn't something that works naturally in every set, so a lot of design work goes into making it as reliable as possible in Zendikar Rising. As such, we can't really afford to spend slots actively making it harder.

Card: That said, the card is a really clever idea. One thing to note for the design: sets with Kicker generally have a lot fewer modal spells, because those operate in very similar spaces. It might've been worth a couple extra passes to see if there was a Kicker version of the effect you'd be happy with.

Nitpicks/Templating: It's an unusual template, but probably the correct one for the effect.

Overall: This beat out two different Bruse Tarls and a whole party of mouses for Card That Made Me Chuckle the Most. That's gotta count for something.

--

@reaperfromtheabyss​ - Akoum Magnamancy

Slot: Nahiri's Lithoforming. This is doing something pretty different from Lithoforming, but noncreature rare slots in Red are slim. Both do a bit to enable Landfall, while this also reaches into Kicker and party space. That said, I worry it may have stretched itself too thin - I'm not sure any of those archetypes really want a card that requires so many pieces to optimise.

Card: There's a lot going on here, and even I'm struggling to come up with all the different permutations. It has four different modes (kicked and unkicked, and with and without party), up to two possible targets, and interacts with several different themes. It's definitely an ambitious design and it's certainly interesting, but it's hard to gauge, likely hard to use, and especially hard to maximise: which just means it will often prove less satisfying to play than to read.

Nitpicks/Templating: The last effect wants to be first, as a cast trigger: "When you cast this spell, if you have a full party, copy it. You may choose new targets for the copy." As written, this is part of the spell's effect, and the copy still 'knows' that you had a full party as you cast the original, causing it to copy itself ad infinitum. Probably not intended.

Overall: Magnamancy has been a really fun word to roll around in my mouth. Moreso than actual magma, I assume.

--

@shakesz - Kesenya, Sea Gate Head

Slot: Omnath, Locus of Creation. Mythic slots are always tight, and multicolor mythic slots are even tighter. There's a color balance between the planeswalkers in the set, leaving only the colorless mythics and Omnath easily replaceable. Dropping Omnath for Kesenya means less landfall and more Party support, though mythics aren't really all that relevant to Limited anyway.

Card: I was expecting to see some designs that stretched the limits on Party, and this wound up being the only one exploring that space. That said, I expected to see it turned up to five; potentially doubling the size is a much larger boost. The tap ability is a bit snowbally, as it does essentially nothing on its own but does a lot on a crowded board. That said, the card is not individually powerful.

Nitpicks/Templating: The elephant in the party room is that Party doesn’t work that way - “party” returns a numerical value, it’s not actually a way for grouping creatures on the battlefield. The first ability almost works, though as written it’s not absolutely clear that “of each type” refers to party types and not...well, each type.

Overall: You’ve definitely succeeded in piquing my interest in the character, so that’s a win.

--

@starch255​ - Zulaport Subjugator

Slot: Nullpriest of Oblivion is the closest thing, mechanically. And it’s when we look at the set this way that we see the obstacles they were facing with making Party work: adding more Warriors largely meant axing other Clerics, or Rogues. Skyclave Shade is the one rare Black creature without a party type, but that design is supporting +1/+1 counters, Kicker, and Landfall - replacing it just to get a small increase in Warrior as-fan would probably cost the set more than it gained.

Card: The design seems individually solid, and rather powerful.

Nitpicks/Templating: Looks sound.

Overall: I agree that Standard could use more Black Warriors to make Party come together, but we may have to wait for Kaldheim for it.

--

@socialpoison​ - The Lithoform Core // The Murasa Skyclave

Slot: Emeria’s Call // Emeria, Shattered Skyclave. There’s exactly one slot for a mythic White DFC in the set, so adding this requires breaking the bolt land cycle. I’m inclined to think that’s not worth it. Attaching the land’s tap condition to your party seems clever, but lands coming in untapped is almost always most important on early turns and that’s especially true for the decks that will rely on curving out into 4 different party members.

Card: This overlaps unfortunately with Ondu Inversion at a lower rarity, though this is effectively an instant speed sweeper. In addition to punishing your opponent for committing to the board, it punishes them for things like...playing lands, and tapping them for mana. At seven mana I can’t imagine it being a very effective hoser for the things it’s trying to stop, which is probably for the best because I can’t imagine the format where this sees lots of play would be very fun.

Nitpicks/Templating: Legendary lands are still a thing they try to avoid. Having another side does ease some of those issues, but it’s still probably best practice just to let people play their lands - especially if that land is just a bad Plains.

Overall: The callout to Lithoform Blight is pretty sweet, I have to admit. 

--

@thedirtside - Refreshing Breeze

Slot: Lotus Cobra. This is ramp that helps enable Landfall, so the rare Green ramp/Landfall card seems like the clear cut for it. This interacts interestingly with the large amounts of incidental mill in this set, providing you a way to ramp when you do happen to wind up with lands in your graveyard. Unfortunately, there are many ways to enable it yourself, which leaves it slightly lacking.

Card: I’m a sucker for a good ramp spell, and this one is very cleverly done. In formats with fetchlands it is a much better Birds of Paradise, since lands are much more dependable ramp than creatures. In Standard it’s interesting, because it’s one-mana ramp that almost never works on turn one on the play, which is when one-mana ramp is most powerful (and most dangerous).

Nitpicks/Templating: This would be a much better fit for the set if it let you play an additional land from your graveyard - the most reliable way to get lands in your graveyard in this set is on the back of an MDFC, but unfortunately as written this ability does not work with those.

Overall: I’m a big fan of the simplicity of this design, though I can’t help but wonder if there was room for a small Kicker effect to round it out.

--

@wolkemesser​ - Bruse Tarl, Bull-Headed

Slot: Akiri, Fearless Voyager. This successfully fits into the ten-card cycle of rare two-color legendary creatures, so kudos on that. It has a kicker effect and is a Warrior to support Party, but its Landfall ability actively discourages you playing with the themes of the set.

Card: I think you must have underestimated how powerful a 3/4 double strike, lifelink for two mana actually is - thanks to his Landfall ability, he would serve as the top-end for a deck that only ever wants two lands on the battlefield, and seeks to end the game by turn 3 or 4. I can’t imagine the kicked ability coming up very often, because random Ox tokens are generally worth so much less than an hyper-efficient creature like this.

Nitpicks/Templating: Looks like you forgot to tell us what color the Ox tokens should be. White, I’m guessing.

Overall: I suspect this was intended as a Commander card, but since this challenge was for a Standard-legal set I have to keep that in mind. The idea is neat though, and I love how it makes Bruse and his Oxen adversaries. 

--

Thanks again for your patience in getting this commentary out this week. This challenge was a little smaller than our weekly average has been, but I received enough positive feedback that I'll probably still try to make it a recurring feature. I appreciate everyone that took the time to join my little experiment this week!

~Mod [ @3smuth ]

[aion-rsa]

Upcoming DC Movies: Complete Release Calendar

https://ift.tt/3u2VfrU

The DC Extended Universe is in full swing! With a healthy schedule of upcoming DC movies in development, the DCEU isn’t going away anytime soon, and there’s still lots to look forward to.

So, it’s time to take a look at all of the DCEU superhero movies that will be released over the next few years. And trust us, there are a ton of them on the way, and we expect more details will be announced as we go forward. We have all the release dates for every one of ’em right here, as well as official details, the most interesting rumors, and suggestions for further reading where appropriate.

Thanks to HBO Max, Suicide Squad 2 is on schedule for August 2021, with The Batman, Shazam 2, Aquaman 2, and more due in 2022. There’s a bright future for the newly revitalized DCEU movies!

Here’s how this works, because the schedule is getting a little weird. We’re starting with the DCEU movies that officially have release dates attached to them. Then we’ll get into the stuff that we know for 100% certain is in development, but that don’t have release dates yet. Then we’ll get into some of the long shots, the projects that are announced but quiet or seemingly dead, at the bottom.

Keep in mind that many of these are the CURRENT release dates as of this update, and all of these are subject to change. We’ll keep updating this with more information as we get it…

Our first trailer. Warning: gore & adult language & supervillains & adventure & heart. Can't wait to see it in a theater with all of you on August 6. #TheSuicideSquad pic.twitter.com/HdqlGVP0lB

— James Gunn (@JamesGunn) March 26, 2021

Suicide Squad 2

Aug. 6, 2021

David Ayer going to be too busy with other projects until further notice, and none other than James Gunn (of Guardians of the Galaxy fame) has stepped in to write and direct Suicide Squad 2. This is now called The Suicide Squad, which indicates something of a soft reboot, but expect this to remain a DCEU movie.

The cast is positively bonkers.

Returning from the first film we have Viola Davis as Amanda Waller, Jai Courtney as Boomerang, Joel Kinnaman as Rick Flagg, and of course Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn Scheduling issues forced Will Smith to bow out of the project as Deadshot.

But then that new cast is wild! John Cena is Peacemaker, with Idris Elba as Bloodsport, David Dastmalchian will play Polka Dot Man. Daniela Melchor will play a genderswapped version of Batman villain Ratcatcher…and there’s more, including Sylvester Stallone as the voice of King Shark! We have a full breakdown of the cast right here.

Pandemic be damned, this one arrives on HBO Max AND in theaters simultaneously, so that August release date isn’t going anywhere.

The Batman

March 4, 2022

So, speaking of movies that had their release dates shifted because of the coronavirus pandemic, The Batman recently had to move from June to October of 2021 after its filming was put on hold fairly early on, and now it has had to vacate its October release slot for March of the following year, thanks to the aforementioned Dune reschedule, and also another production halt after star Robert Pattinson was diagnosed with Covid-19. Fortunately, principal photography has wrapped and this is now well on its way to meeting that release date!

The Batman solo movie has Matt Reeves as director. Robert Pattinson is the new Batman. Not only that, this movie will likely kick off a brand new trilogy of Batman movies. Expect a more low-key, detective focused approach to the Dark Knight than we’ve seen in previous movies.

Read more

Movies

New Batmobile Revealed for The Batman Movie

By Joseph Baxter

TV

The Actors Who Have Played Batman

By James Aquilone and 1 other

In addition to Pattinson as Bruce Wayne/Batman, Jeffrey Wright will play Commissioner Gordon. Jayme Lawson has a mystery role. Andy Serkis is Alfred Pennyworth. And then there are the villains to contend with! The Batman will feature an all-star rogues’ gallery of villains, with Paul Dano as the Riddler, Zoe Kravitz as Catwoman, and Colin Farrell as the Penguin.

DC Super Pets

May 20, 2022

OK, fine, this isn’t a DCEU movie project, and it’s an animated movie. But unless you have no soul, how can you resist Krypto, Streaky, Ace, Comet, and the rest of the amazing super pets? They had better be fighting the Brain Globes of Rambat in this movie, otherwise, we riot.

You can read more about DC Super Pets here.

Black Adam

July 29, 2022

Originally slated to be the villain of Shazam, Black Adam will instead be played by Dwayne Johnson in a solo movie. The character is certainly strong enough to sustain his own movie. Adam Sztykiel (Due Date, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul) is writing with Jaume Collet-Serra set to direct. 

Read more

Movies

Shazam: Who is Black Adam?

By Marc Buxton

Movies

Black Adam Powers and Abilities Explained

By Mike Cecchini

This is the kind of thing that could work as a nifty prequel to further flesh out the mystical world of Shazam if they choose to go that route. More importantly, this movie will feature the DCEU introduction of the Justice Society of America, including Aldis Hodge as Hawkman, Pierce Brosnan as Dr. Fate, Quintessa Swindell as Cyclone, and Noah Centineo as Atom Smasher!

We’re currently on the lookout for more info, but Black Adam is supposed to start filming in early 2021, which seems unlikely at this time because of the global coronavirus pandemic. This film had been scheduled for December of 2021, but lost that date with all of WB’s recent release date shuffles. It’ll happen, it’s just a question of when.

You can read a little more about the Black Adam movie here.

The Flash

Nov. 4, 2022

Andy Muschietti (of Warner Bros’ IT movies) is the latest director to try and get The Flash movie to the screen. This project has had a really rough road. Christina Hodson, who clearly made the studio happy with her Birds of Prey script, is writing.

Read more

Movies

Why James Wan Turned Down The Flash Movie to Make Aquaman

By Mike Cecchini

Movies

Crisis On Infinite Earths Confirms DCEU Movies With Ezra Miller Cameo

By Kayti Burt

Ezra Miller will reprise his Justice League role as Barry Allen. Kiersey Clemons is Iris West. Ron Livingston will play Barry’s father, Dr. Henry Allen (replacing Billy Crudup who played the role in Justice League). But here’s where things get crazy…Ben Affleck will return to the role of Batman for this movie. And Michael Keaton will ALSO return to the role of Batman for this movie!

How is this possible? Because it’s based on the DC Comics Flashpoint story, which for the purposes of the movies will be used to create a big screen multiverse. Wow.

Oh, and it that’s not enough, this movie will introduce Supergirl to the DCEU, played by Sarah Calle!

This movie has had an extraordinary amount of trouble getting off the ground, so let’s see if the combination of Muschietti and Hodson keep this one on schedule for that release date. Or any release date. But pre-production is well underway, so it looks like Ezra Miller’s Barry will finally get his day in the sun.

Aquaman 2

Dec. 16, 2022

After it made a billion dollars at the box office, you bet your trident that Aquaman 2 is happening! Right now the plan is for James Wan to remain involved and start developing the movie, but he won’t decide whether or not to direct it until there’s a script in place. Fair enough. Patrick Wilson seems set to return, though, and of course, Jason Momoa will be back.

You can keep up with all our Aquaman 2 news right here.

Shazam 2: Fury of the Gods

June 2, 2023

Shazam 2 is now officially called Shazam: Fury of the Gods and…that’s about all we know about it right now.

One thing is for sure, though, this movie will retain the look, feel, and charm that made the first one so successful, since both director David F. Sandberg and writer Henry Gayden are returning. And this time we’ll have an entire Shazam family to help out!

Wait…did we mention the Sinbad cameo? No, really!

Now, let’s get into the projects that are in the works, but don’t have release dates yet. We’ve grouped these roughly in the order we expect to see them based on how far along they are.

Blue Beetle

There’s a Blue Beetle movie in the works. And unlike the character potentially appearing in the Booster Gold movie (more on that down below), this one would focus on Jaime Reyes, the magical tech powered teenage hero who wields the scarab of original Blue Beetle, Dan Garrett. Gareth Dunnet-Alcocer (Miss Bala) is writing the script, with Angel Manuel Soto (Charm City Kings) directing.

There’s no release date yet, but this is scheduled to begin production in fall 2021, so maybe we can pencil in a 2023 release date.

Read more about the Blue Beetle movie here.

Untitled Superman Project

Ta-Nehisi Coates is working on a Superman feature film with J.J. Abrams producing. No other info is currently available, but it appears to be a reboot.

“To be invited into the DC Extended Universe by Warner Bros., DC Films and Bad Robot is an honor,” Coates told Shadow and Act when the news was announced. “I look forward to meaningfully adding to the legacy of America’s most iconic mythic hero.”

Will this continue Henry Cavill’s time in the role, or will it take a new approach? Will this be a completely different take on the Man of Steel altogether? Time will tell!

Zatanna

One of the most powerful magicians in the DC Universe is getting her own film, with a powerful writer attached. Emerald Fennell, who wrote and directed the brilliant Promising Young Woman has signed on to write a Zatanna movie for Warner Bros. No other details are available at this time, but you don’t sign an Oscar hopeful for a movie like this unless you’re serious about getting it moving.

The New Gods

Ava DuVernay will direct a movie based on Jack Kirby‘s New Gods. It’s not clear yet whether this will fit into the continuity of the other DCEU movies, but really, it doesn’t need to. The New Gods is a cosmic story of such incredible scale that there’s no reason to try and connect this to earthbound concerns. Tom King, the DC Comics writer who has made waves with his work on the New Gods-centric (and Eisner Award-winning) Mister Miracle series, is co-writing the screenplay with DuVernay.

The New Gods is the story of two worlds, the warlike Apokolips and the peaceful New Genesis, each populated by immensely powerful beings with fantastic technology. Darkseid is the evil dictator of Apokolips, and he swaps sons with Highfather, the leader of New Genesis, and each child is raised on the opposite world. Darkseid’s son, Orion, becomes a troubled champion of New Genesis, while Highfather’s son (raised by Darkseid) revolts and becomes the super escape artist, Mister Miracle. This barely scratches the surface of what this movie is about. We tried to get into more detail about it here.

The Trench

Aquaman director James Wan and producer Peter Safran are working on developing other corners of Arthur’s world in addition to Aquaman 2. The Trench will focus on the terrifying piranha-like beasts seen briefly in the first film, and will be a smaller-scale, more horror-focused movie, and one that won’t feature any of the main characters from Aquaman. A different approach to superhero movie worldbuilding, for sure. Noah Gardner and Aidan Fitzgerald are writing.

Read more about The Trench here.

Supergirl

Oren Uziel is working on a script for a Supergirl movie. It’s not clear what kind of ties this will have to the currently dead Man of Steel franchise, especially given the uncertain state of Henry Cavill’s future as Superman.

But one thing is for sure, the DCEU does have their Supergirl! Sasha Calle will be introduced as Kara in The Flash movie, and presumably she’ll lead this one, as well.

Green Lantern Corps

Fairly or unfairly, Green Lantern has the most working against him. The 2011 film failed to kickstart the DC Universe as planned, and received a lukewarm (at best) critical and box-office reception. There are, of course, ways around this.

Read more

Comics

The Secret Origin of Green Lantern: Far Sector

By Kayti Burt

Comics

New Green Lantern Series Expands Cosmic DC Universe

By Jim Dandy

One way is to simply not make Hal Jordan the central Green Lantern of the movie. Thisone may focus on as many as three Green Lanterns, with the main focus on a kind of buddy/cop movie with John Stewart and Hal Jordan. Geoff Johns is writing the script, but there’s no director in place yet, however Johns should be turning in his script soon and that will allow the director search to kick off in earnest. There’s also the recent announcement of an HBO Max Green Lantern TV show to consider. It remains to be seen what (if any) connection that will have to this movie.

We have more details on the Green Lantern Corps movie right here.

Plastic Man

This one is a little further off in the future as all they’ve done is hire a writer. But there is definitely a Plastic Man movie in the works, with Amanda Idoko (ABC’s The Mayor) working on a screenplay. We have some more details on it right here.

Blackhawk

Steven Spielberg has long wanted to make a Blackhawk movie, and he’s finally going to get his wish. And if it was your wish to see Steven Spielberg direct a DC movie, you’re also in luck. David Koepp is writing the screenplay. We have more details on this one here.

Batgirl

Joss Whedon was originally supposed to write, direct, and produce the Batgirl movie, one that was reportedly based on Gail Simone’s recent New 52 take on the character. He has exited the project and now Christina Hodson is writing. There is no director at the time of this writing, and rumor has it that this will be a project set to go direct to HBO Max.

Deathstroke

Joe Manganiello has long been cast as Slade Wilson, known to DC fans as Deathstroke. He even made a cameo in one of the Justice League theatrical post-credits scenes back when that was supposed to set up a Justice League 2 that never happened. But it turns out that the original version of that cameo in Zack Snyder’s Justice League was meant to set him up as the villain of The Batman solo movie (that is no longer the case), 

Deathstroke was also once set to get a solo film, written and directed by The Raid‘s Gareth Evans. Despite Manganiello returning for a brief scene as Deathstroke in Zack Snyder’s Justice League, it doesn’t seem likely that his solo film is happening anymore, which is a real shame as he would have been great in the role.

Justice League 2

Justice League 2 isn’t likely to happen at the moment given how the first film underperformed at the box office. It once had a release date, but that long since evaporated. Still, “The Snyder Cut” generated considerable buzz on HBO Max, and featured a teaser scene that was very much meant as a preview for what the director was looking for in his dark vision of Justice League 2.

Nightwing

The Lego Batman Movie director Chris McKay has been tapped to direct a Nightwing movie. Bill Dubuque (The Accountant) is working on a script. No other details are currently available, and this one doesn’t have a release date yet.

Justice League Dark

At one time this was called Dark Universe, until Universal came along and ruined that name with their failed horror movie shared franchise. This one will feature the supernatural characters from the DC Universe. Characters like Swamp Thing, Demon, Deadman, Zatanna, and even John Constantine.

Guillermo del Toro was attached to this one for quite some time, but had to leave the project. Then it was Doug Liman. Now J.J. Abrams is involved as producer for what will likely be an HBO Max series.

And now for the long shots…projects mentioned, rumored, or that haven’t had any movement in a while.

Man of Steel 2

Never officially announced, with no director or writer ever attached…another solo Superman movie starring Henry Cavill seems pretty unlikely at the moment. Especially considering that Henry Cavill appears to be finished as Superman, there’s an excellent Superman & Lois TV series on the air, and the aforementioned movie in the works from Ta-Nehisi Coates.

Cyborg

OK, to be perfectly honest, the Cyborg movie almost certainly isn’t happening. Ray Fisher made his first (very brief) appearance as Vic Stone/Cyborg in Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, and played a crucial role in Justice League. At one point he was supposed to feature in The Flash solo movie, too, but it’s not clear if that’s still the case.

Read more

Comics

New DC Universe History Begins in May

By Mike Cecchini

TV

Crisis on Infinite Earths Ending Reveals New DC Multiverse

By Mike Cecchini

Basically, though…let’s be completely real: this movie isn’t happening. There hasn’t been any movement on it in years, despite once having been assigned an April 3, 2020 release date. As far as we can tell there has been no additional movement on this movie in years. It’s probably dead. Too bad, since Ray Fisher was great in the role.

Harley Quinn

Yes, there’s also another Harley Quinn movie in development! Well, at least there was at one point. Whether this is a solo project or something else remains to be seen. Keep in mind that while very good, Birds of Prey didn’t set the world on fire at the box office, which means that Warner Bros. might be a little more wary than before about additional solo projects for Harley, even with Margot Robbie’s star power. As for what shape this movie was supposed to take in the first place, your guess is as good as ours!

Gotham City Sirens

David Ayer is looking to direct a Harley Quinn and friends “girl gang” movie. Geneva Robertson-Dworet is writing, with Margot Robbie producing. It’s not clear where this stands on anybody’s priority list these days. Ayer has moved on to other projects, and as mentioned above, Birds of Prey wasn’t quite the financial success that Warner Bros. had hoped for. It’s possible that Gotham City Sirens has been put in a drawer for the time being.

Booster Gold

Flash and Arrow executive producer Greg Berlanti is going to executive produce and possibly direct a Booster Gold movie. Zack Stentz (Thor, X-Men: First Class) will write the script.

Read more

Movies

Men of Steel: 11 Actors Who Have Played Superman

By Mike Cecchini

Movies

Joker: 6 Actors Who Have Played the Clown Prince of Crime

By David Crow

Early reports described this as a “superhero buddy cop movie” that would involve Blue Beetle. We’ll get you more updates on this as they become available, but keep in mind there hasn’t been any movement on this in a long time, and the Jaime Reyes Blue Beetle movie is probably taking priority for the studio.

Deadshot

Warner Bros. knows they have one of the biggest stars in the world already in costume, so they’re reportedly considering a Deadshot solo movie, as well. But with Smith now having left Suicide Squad 2 this project seems like it may not ever materialize. Unless, of course, switching Idris Elba’s role (he was originally intended as Smith’s replacement as Floyd) means they’re keeping the door open for him down the road.

Lobo

The Lobo movie may attempt to be the DCEU movies’ equivalent of Deadpool. Jason Fuchs must have impressed Warner Bros. with his work on Wonder Woman, because he’s on board to write the script for this one. Michael Bay might direct. But with Lobo appearing on Krypton season 2 and a TV series for the character that had once been put into development (but is probably dead), this might be less of a priority for the studio now.

We have some more info on the project here.

Joker & Harley Quinn Movie

At one point there was yet another Joker-centric flick in the works. This one, a Joker and Harley Quinn movie is absolutely part of the DCEU movie continuity would pick up where Suicide Squad left off. There are currently no additional details available on this one, either. This probably won’t happen, however.

Warner Bros. is very happy with how their R-rated, out of continuity Joker movie performed both critically and commercially, and with Joaquin Phoenix’s Oscar win, it’s a safe bet that they’re at least quietly hoping to make him their definitive Clown Prince of Crime for the foreseeable future…even though Joker was never intended to be part of the DCEU.

Not to be confused with…

Jared Leto Joker Movie

Honestly, we’re having trouble keeping track of all these, but yes, there was also yet another Joker solo movie in development focusing on Jared Leto’s version of the character in the works at one point. Apparently, this has long been canceled, but we’re keeping it here to be safe for a little longer.

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We’ll keep updating this with more information about upcoming DC superhero movies as they get announced and information becomes available.

The post Upcoming DC Movies: Complete Release Calendar appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #22: Romulus

Welcome back to Fate and Phantasms, today we’re building Rome, possibly in a day. Roma may be all things, but we’re going to narrow it down to three goals:

Magna Voluisse Magnum: We need “tree manipulation abilities” to match his Noble Phantasm.

The Seven Hills: You can grant blessings to your “children”.

Weirdly enough, talking to animals isn’t a named skill, but it is something you can do.

As usual, a spreadsheet for this build can be found over here, and a detailed explanation for the build is below the cut!

Race and Background

You are the son of a human and Mars (or possibly Heracles, ancient stories are iffy like that), making you a pretty clear-cut Aasimar. Building and protecting civilization is also your thing, making you an Aasimar of the Protector variety. As an Aasimar, you get +1 to Wisdom and +2 to Charisma, 60′ of Darkvision, Healing Hands, letting you spend an action to heal a creature for your level in hit points once per long rest, Celestial Resistance, letting you resist necrotic and radiant damage, and the Light cantrip.

As for your background, there’s equal arguments for making you an outlander or a noble. On one hand, you raised up a major civilization, and that makes you kind of a big deal. On the other, you were raised by wolves. I think we’ll save the noble background for the second go at romulus down the line, though. As an Outlander, you have proficiency in Athletics and Survival, and can memorize terrain and forage for food better than others.

Piety

Mythic Odyssey of Theros overhauled D&D’s piety system into something DMs might actually remember to use, opening up new character customization options. Since Piety is heavily dependent on DM participation and is relatively new, it won’t be a major part of this build, but could add extra flavor to the character if the DM is okay with it. You gain piety by acting in ways that your god of choice is cool with, and lose piety by acting in ways your god isn’t. When you pass certain thresholds of piety, you gain benefits relating to that god. Ephara is the god of city building, which is kind of your thing, so it shouldn’t be too hard for you to rack up piety with her. At 3+ piety, you can cast Comprehend Languages a number of times per long rest equal to your intelligence modifier. At 10+ piety, you gain advantage on persuasion checks while inside a city, and can reroll a failed intelligence save once per long rest. At 25+ piety, you can cast Mordenkainen’s Private Sanctum once per long rest, letting you thwart any dramatic teleportation based kidnappings that would normally happen. Finally, if you get 50 piety or more you can improve your intelligence or charisma score by 2, even if that score is already at 20.

Admittedly, invoking the name of a Magic the Gathering god here is a pretty major flavor fail, but you can always just say you’re really getting help from Mercury, and that will be a little closer to the point.

Stats

Put your highest stat into Wisdom. You built one of the greatest nations in the world, that generally requires a good understanding of the people you’re ruling. Next is Strength. Much like Leonidas, those abs aren’t for show. Next will be Constitution, trust me you’ll be needing that health. Follow that up with Dexterity. There isn’t much evidence to put it one way or the other, but we need it for your AC. After that comes Intelligence, you’re not stupid, but you can be a little hot blooded, and also we needed other stats more. Finally, dump Charisma. You do have a way with words, in your own strange way, but it’s definitely not your standard charisma. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to persuade people in a couple levels.

Class Levels

1. Fighter 1: When you start as a fighter, you get proficiency in Strength and Constitution saves as well as two skills from the fighter list; grab Animal Handling to wrangle your brothers better and Insight, because you’re good at knowing what makes Rome so Rome.

At first level you get a Fighting Style. Grab Dueling, adding 2 to damage rolls made while wielding only a one-handed weapon, because nothing else really applies to you. You also have a Second Wind, letting you heal as a bonus action, giving back 1d10 plus your fighter level in HP.

2. Fighter 2: At second level, you gain an Action Surge, letting you add another action to one turn once per short rest. A lot can happen in a Roma minute, so you want to be able to stuff as much into one turn as possible.

3. Fighter 3: A third level, fighters pick their martial archetype. Flavor wise, you’re probably more of a Champion, but we’re trying to fit 21 levels of classes into a 20 level character, so instead of a second level of Barbarian (oops, spoilers) we’re taking the Samurai archetype. When you take the archetype, you gain proficiency in one of several skills, and we’re grabbing Persuasion to help bring the city-states together. Samurai also gain a Fighting Spirit, giving you advantage on all weapon attacks this turn as a bonus action, and also giving you 5 temporary hit points. You can use the feature three times per long rest.

As a Protector Aasimar, you also have a Radiant Soul, letting you spend an action once per long rest to transform yourself, gaining a flight speed of 30′, and you can add your level in radiant damage to attacks you make once per turn. The transformation lasts for a minute, or until you end it as a bonus action.

4. Fighter 4: Use your first ASI to improve your Constitution, for more health, and better AC in a bit.

5. Barbarian 1: Hop over to barbarian for a bit to show off those abs of yours thanks to Unarmored Defense, turning your AC into 10 + Con + Dex when you aren’t wearing armor. You also gain access to Rage, and we’ve been through this song and dance before. You can’t use or concentrate on spells while raging, get resistance to common weapon attacks, deal extra damage while making strength based attacks, and have advantage on strength saves and checks. A lot of that isn’t going to be that useful this time around, but the damage reduction may come in handy.

6. Druid 1: Continuing our tour of the class system, bounce into druid for some more goodies. You surprisingly fit well as a druid. You can talk to animals (maybe) and control trees. On all levels except second, you are pretty druidic. At this level you learn Druidic, letting you speak a language that no one will use, and leave secret messages in that language. Those who know druidic can spot and read them immediately, but anyone else needs to succeed on a dc 15 wisdom check to find them, and even then will need a spell to translate the message. 

You also get spellcasting at this level, including two cantrips and first level spells. Druids can technically use any spell they have the slots for, but it needs to be prepared at the start of the day. You can prepare a number of spells equal to your druid level + your wisdom modifier at the end of a long rest, and use your wisdom as your spellcasting ability. For your cantrips, grab Resistance to give “your children” a minor blessing in the form of a d4 they can add to one save, and Shillelagh to make your weapon attacks surprisingly strong. I know officially you use a spear, but you’re never really able to see the head of it, so that’s just enough leeway for me to call it a quarterstaff. For a minute after casting the spell, you can use wisdom instead of strength when making attack and damage rolls with your weapon, and the damage die used becomes a d8. You can only have one casting of Shillelagh going at a time, despite not being a concentration spell, and it also ends early if you let go of your weapon.

As far as level one spells go, I would suggest using spells that involve your kinship with beasts, such as Animal Friendship or Beast Bond, or spells that help other members of you party who you consider children of Roma, such as Cure Wounds or Longstrider. You can prepare damaging spells if you want, but you can already hit people with a stick to do that.

7. Druid 2: As a second level druid, you gain the feature you’ll probably be ignoring to stay in character, Wild Shape. This abilities lets you spend an action twice per short rest to transform into a beast. At 2nd level, the beast has to be at most CR 1/4, with no flying or swimming speed. You can stay in this form a number of hours equal to half your druid level, or until you fall unconscious, drop to 0 hp, or die. While transformed, your physical stats and HP total are equal to the creature’s  You also gain the beasts’ skills and saving throw proficiencies if they’re better than yours. Transforming back leaves you at whatever HP you had before you transformed, unless you turn back by taking damage. Whatever damage is left over after dropping you to 0 hp then gets applied to your normal form. You can’t cast spells while transformed, but you can still concentrate or take actions as a part of a spell you’ve already cast. You can use other abilities from class level and racial feats, but special senses like darkvision don’t work unless the beast form also have them. Finally, you have to either drop all your gear, make it disappear for a bit, or continue wearing it, the last one at your DM’s discretion. Equipment that is merged into your body doesn’t have any effect.

Now that all that text is out of the way, here’s more text. You also join a Druid Circle at this level. You’re joining the Circle of the Land for an extra cantrip and more spell slots. Land druids have a Natural Recovery, letting you recover a number of spell slots during a short rest that combine to equal half your druid level. For example, right now you’ll just be able to get back one level one slot. For your bonus cantrip, grab the most powerful spell in the game, Druidcraft, the only spell that always predicts the future with 100% accuracy. Casting the spell can create one of several effects, including a weather prediction for up to 24 hours, an instantly blooming flower, a harmless sensory effect of your choice, or lighting/snuffing out a candle, torch, or campfire.

8. Fighter 5: Fifth level fighters get an extra attack per turn, so you can now make two attacks per turn, or four if you use your Action Surge.

9. Fighter 6: Use another ASI to increase your Wisdom for more damage and better spells.

10. Fighter 7: Seventh level Samurai become an Elegant Courtier, letting you add your wisdom modifier to your persuasion checks, because you’re now clever enough to look like you know what you’re doing. You also gain proficiency in Wisdom saving throws, because you’re awesome like that.

11. Druid 3: Third level druids gain 2nd level spells, and Land druids become a member of a specific circle, either Arctic, Coast, Deseert, Forest, Grassland, Mountain, Swamp, or the Underdark. Given the physical location of Rome, you’ll be a Coastal druid. At this level, you learn Mirror Image and Misty Step, which are always prepared for you, and don’t count for the number of spells you can prepare. For spells at this level, I would suggest spells like Animal Messenger to make some homing pigeons and Enhance Ability for even better blessing to bestow upon your party.

12. Druid 4: At this level your Wild Shape improves. Now you can transform into beasts of CR 1/2 or lower, and you can use beasts that have a swim speed. Also, use your next ASI to become more Durable, adding 1 to your constitution and letting you heal a minimum of 2x your constitution modifier per hit die rolled. To be perfectly honest, this didn’t have much to do with being Romulus, but the extra utility is way more useful than one more point, since every other score you have is even already.

You also learn a new cantrip, so grab Create Bonfire to, well, create a bonfire. Yes, fire, the untamed element, oldest of man’s mysteries! Giver of warmth, destroyer of forests! Right now, you can make fire! And force a dexterity saving throw on whoever is standing in said fire, or they take 3d8 fire damage.

13. Druid 5: Fifth level druids get 3rd level spells, including two circle spells. Your freebie spells for this level are Water Breathing and Water Walk, very helpful for starting a coastal city. Or a religion, I won’t judge. Other spells to look at this level include Conjure Animals to summon your less bipedal children, and Protection from Energy to give protection from the more common spell damage types.

14. Fighter 8: Taking a break in some shorter levels for a bit, Use your next ASI to max out your Wisdom for even more damage and spellpower.

15. Fighter 9: You become Indomitable, giving you a free do-over on a failed save once per long rest.

16. Fighter 10: Tenth level Samurai gain a Tireless Spirit. If you start a fight with no more Fighting Spirit left, you gain one back. Your Fighting spirit also improves, giving you 10 temporary hit points instead of 5.

17. Druid 6: Land druids learn the Land’s Stride, letting you ignore nonmagical difficult terrain and damage from nonmagical plants. You also have advantage on saving throws caused by magical plants, such as the entangle spell.

18. Druid 7: This level gives you 4th level spells and two more freebies, Control Water and Freedom of Movement. The former is great for protecting your city from enemy navies (or starting a religion, we won’t judge), and the latter will help your “children” keep up with you as you already ignore most difficult terrain anyway. 

19. Druid 8: Your Wild Shape improves once again, adding flying creatures to the mix as well as creatures of CR 1 or lower. Use your last ASI to improve your Constitution for more health and a higher AC.

20. Druid 9: With your last level, you access 5th level spells, including your circle spells Conjure Elemental and Scrying. At this level, you finally gain access to the two spells most congruous with your Noble Phantasms. For  Magna Voluisse Magnum, use Wrath of Nature to animate all plant life in a 60′ cube to attack your enemies, also turning any grassland in the area into difficult terrain for your enemies. At the end of your turn, all enemies within 10′ of a tree must succeed on a dex save or take 4d6 slashing damage. One creature on the ground each turn must make a strength saving throw or be restrained by roots and vines. Restrained creatures can also make an Athletics check to try and escape. As a bonus action each turn, you can launch a rock at a creature in the cube. Make a ranged spell attack, and on a hit deal 3d8 nonmagical bludgeoning damage. On a hit, the target must also make a Strength saving throw or be knocked prone.

To emulate Moles Necessarie, use Wall of Stone to create ten 10′ square stone panels to protect yourself and the party. If you can keep your concentration for the full 10 minutes, the walls then become permanent.