#I don’t think I’ve called in since I got covid in November so I’m hoping it’ll be fine

[victory-cookies]

was literally about to cry thinking about school today so I’ve decided to take a mental health day. what sucks is I feel bad doing that

[manchasama]

Not sure how long this is gonna be, my hand really hurts (and my back just kicking in lol thaaaaanks), just wanna get some thoughts out

Been recovering lately, defo feeling better but not there yet.  Been so stressed and busy since, well, November really.  But January and February defo took the cake.  Work was brutal, but I was taking advantage of an opportunity before it vanished.  In a better world, we would have started getting ready back in August when I first started asking (thinking that was late to start planning for the Feb event), but because of politics and all that guff we didn’t even get the go until late Dec/early Jan. 

I am not going to get into the details, but rest assured I was working my batutty off.  Then I got covid lol.  While in another state.  *throws hands up*

So yeah, it was about what I expected, with some minor differences.  Took a full week off work (which sucked bc half those days were supposed to be vacation recovery days, not sick recovery days), worked from home for a week and a half, and finally went back into the office today (tested negative a few times and took a few extra days anyway, it was fine). 

I just have this lingering cough that, guess what!  Gets worse when I talk!  *snickers*  That week off where I just slept a lot, I didn’t have a cough.  Minute I get back to work (remote but phone calls), suddenly I start coughing.  Bah!  So that leaves me pretty tired at the end of the day.  Also my back is acting up because of all the sedentary laying around I’ve been doing, but that will work itself out as I get more active again.  The biggest problem with today is for some reason my hand feels like it’s cramping up constantly, without actually cramping.  owie :(

Anyway, before my hand gives up, I just wanted to get some thoughts out that weren’t just whining.  I have been trying to keep my submas interest up (or any interest, let’s be real it’s hard for me to do anything extra when I’m so work tired) through the months, but leaving an avenue to revive the spark when I have the time and energy to work on it.  Threw on my submas playlist on the way home, and yeah, I’ve definitely forgotten what songs go to what scenes/ideas other than vibes.  Just need to do a few daydreaming sessions to pick some of it back up I think, plus go over my notes and all.

I’ve also been thinking I should just...post the raw ideas to Ao3.  Started thinking it when I saw a post going around about how...historians? I forget what their job/passion was, but people who like to ready histories, understand why people liked the stories they saved, highlights and notes in the margins, the every day small loves that don’t make the big history books, that sort of thing.  How those people were basically writing a love letter to people who save those little snippets, print out fanfics, things like that. 

I think it was another post, might have been the same, that was also encouraging people to use Ao3 as the archive it is.  It doesn’t have to be complete works.  It’s there to archive the words, that’s all. 

So yeah.  As much as I want to and intend to try to write the full stories, I’m thinking of just transferring some of the tumblr posts/ideas, some of the snippets from my notes, into Ao3.  Because I want to share the stories with people, and if I can’t write them in full, at least I can share the heart of the ideas.  I still need to transfer old fics to Ao3 too, unfinished as they are.  And I’m kinda hoping that new eyes and new interactions spark my interest again, get my brain going into story-mode again.

I’ve been trying to do some reblogging on my backlog of tumblr stuff.  I know I could just hit the heart button.  I know I could reblog without comment or tag.  But I really like leaving people comments.  It’s just another thing that takes a bit of energy, that I haven’t had too much of.  But doing a bit at a time is good too!

My pain and energy levels have prevented me from doing much of anything for so long.  I can’t say it will change much.  I spend time with friends, which don’t get me wrong i love, but it eats into my free time, and more importantly my energy.  I have a trip coming up in May, which yeah sounds so far away, but it will be upon me way faster than I expect.  Who knows when I’ll have another flare-up (hand plz im almost done), or if work is going to drain me.  But now that the hardest is behind me, I’m hoping to keep things reasonable and have a chance to be creative again.

I want to start my garden (made a few small moves toward that).  I want to make more bracelets, and maybe sell some (character bracelets!  seriously i love my submas bracelets, i wish i could take pictures that do the colors justice).  I want to hang out with friends.  I want to write.  I want to write.  I want to write my stories and share them so much.  Just need to wrangle my brain together.  Balance them to my energy.  And not let my responsibilities pull my mood down or stress me out too much (guh just thinking about some of them make me so tired buuuuh). 

Okay hand is too ow now.  If you made it this far, feel free to let me know what you think about posting the ideas to Ao3, even if I later post a full story about them.  Or anything really.  Gotta get my brain juices flowing again!

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

What will be in my bag? Pre-ordered Manga. Straight and Lez edition.

Here’s a list of English-released manga I’ve currently got on pre-order, and manga series I ordered before but won’t be continuing with the series.

As a note: Some of these titles have been released but I have not received them yet due to a issues with covid backlog effected how things are released.  I personally find that if you pre-order it tends to get you manga quicker.  It seems there is more pressure to keep up with the new release schedule than chip away at the backlog.

I’m starting with the stuff I’ve already read some of and confirmed enjoyment, then stuff I’m shooting in the dark for, and finally series I have tried recently and have discontinued.

Heteros

My Androgynous Boyfriend

Story & Art by: Tamekou      Publisher: Seven Seas

It is rare for straight shit to end up in my library but My Androgynous boyfriend is an exception that will surprise no-one since it’s pretty queer adjacent.  This story is mostly a couple being lovey-dovey between jokes about sexuality and gender but (so far) isn’t problematic at all.  The female lead is quite enjoyable as she’s well-balanced and has agency throughout. There’s even ace representation! It’s very low-stakes, wholesome, and sweet so far. (Volume 3 is set to release in November.)

My Excitement Level: The gentle about to sink into a bubble bath variety

Yuri/Lesbian

Even Though We’re Adults

Story & Art by: Takako Shimura  Publisher: Seven Seas

Takako is also the creator of Sweet Blue Flowers and Wandering son.  I have dipped by toe in to both those series.  I overall find their writing kinda meandering and tepid (might just be me) but technically pretty solid.  I am hopeful for this series since it features adults....if the title didn’t make it obvious.  I was intrigued by the one character being married but the man finding out about the affair quickly and reacting more realistically and interestingly than the average male love interest in a Yuri.  I also found myself relating at bit to Akari’s angst about being unlucky with relationships with women.  I also do enjoy the artwork! This one is the most likely of my followed series to be dropped at some point. (Volume 2 of this manga was set to release in June this year.)

My Excitement Level: Cautious Optimism

For more click the jump!

Kase-san and Yamada

Story & Art by: Hiromi Takashima  Publisher: Seven Seas

This is a series I keep going back to.  While it is the very typical low-stakes bubbly, cutesy School age Yuri...it is a very good version of that.  Just warm bubble bath vibes. (Volume 7 is set to release in February of next year.  I think it was originally supposed to be released this May but was bumped back.)

My Excitement Level: The gentle about to sink into a bubble bath variety

NOW ONTO THE SERIES I HAVEN’T READ BUT I’M TAKING A CHANCE ON!

Adachi and Shimaura

Art: Moke Yuzuhara Story: Hitoma Iruma  Publisher: Yen Press

This, as I understand it, is a slow-burn romance about two delinquent girls.  I have heard good things about the novel and the anime series!  However I prefer manga to novels and don’t have a funimation account so I went to snag it in manga form. (Volume 1 was set to release in February this year and 2 in September)

My Excitement Level: Cautious Optimism

The Girl I want is so handsome!

Story & Art by:Yuama     Publisher: Seven Seas

The premise is a young lady has a crush on a handsome older girl who’s oblivious to her advances.  When she tries to confess she instead gets roped into being the club manager of the basketball team that her crush is a part of.  So it feels like it may end up cycling through 2 jokes and be so deep in the stereotypical manga bullshit you can easily-predict its beats volumes in advance. HOWEVER that is also a premise that is similar to Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun which is legitimately a hilarious series. Also I fucking love butch/stud/masc-presenting women/AFAB people.  So I’m willing to risk “The same Anime bullshit” for good jokes and a cute lezzy romance with a beautiful butch.  (Volume 1 is set to release of December of this year.)

My Excitement Level: Pretty nervous actually.  I hope it works out!

Monologue Woven for You

Story & Art by: Syu Yasaka     Publisher: Seven Seas

A woman gives up on a career in theater gets tangled in a relationship with a woman passionately pursuing theater.  Since it is set between college age women, and appears to be about more personal and mature themes I am interested. (Volume 1 I BELIEVE is supposed to be released in February of next year.)

My Excitement Level: Cautious Optimism

Mizuno and Chayama (No page yet so far as I can tell.)

Story & Art by: Yuhta Nishio     Publisher: Yen Press

Two daughters of feuding families meet in secret.  This is by the same author of After Hours.  I read a bit of After Hours and found it fine but boring since it seemed without conflict.  Conflict doesn’t seem to be in short supply with a story like this!  While I enjoy the sugary-sweet high school lesbian romances...those are not in short-supply. So I am always hungry for something darker, meatier, more mature. (Volume 1 is set to release next February) 

My Excitement Level: Cautious Optimism

5 Seconds Before The Witch Falls In Love

Story & Art by:  Zeniko Sumiya     Publisher: Seven Seas

It appears to be a playful fantasy about a Witch and Witch-hunter who’s antagonism turns romantic.  This may end up one note and stupid...but I’m always hear for queer romances set in high-fantasy and I haven’t read a Yuri where rivals turns to lovers. (Volume 1 is set to release next February)  

My Excitement Level: Low-key

Catch These Hands! (No page yet so far as I can tell.)

Story & Art by: Murata     Publisher: Yen Press 

A former delinquent runs into her high school rival.  After losing a fight to her she agrees to her terms...her terms being to go out on a date with her.  I mean the title alone makes me want to pick it up!  It may run afoul of bad anime humor, but I’m hoping with the fact that it’s full of gay adult delinquents that it’ll be a little different.  (Volume 1 is set to release next February)  

My Excitement Level: Medium-key

Series I have discontinued:

I’m in love with the Villainess

Art by: Aonoshimo  Story by:  Inori   Publisher: Seven Seas

A woman gets reborn into her favorite Otome game but she wants to romance the villiain!  I had heard a ton of great things about the novel but I picked up the manga version. (If the novel is totally different I can’t speak to it.)  For me, the writing is ham-handed, the jokes flop 90% of the time, and the fact the lead’s only personality trait seems to be ~obsessed with a bully~ really dampens this title.  Her advances are so aggressive and unwanted I honestly started feeling bad for a spoiled rich bully.  I will say it’s saving grace is the fact that the lead is masochistically into the villainess’ tsundere abusiveness. For me I hate tsundere romances if framed like, “I like you DESPITE your insults.” It is only tolerable if it’s instead, “I like you cause you tell it like it is. I’m a dirty little pig. Please step on this bad little piggy!”

Our Teachers are Dating

Story & Art by: Pikachi Ohi      Publisher: Seven Seas

Well one reason I stopped the series is that cover you see up there.  The sex in this series is fade to black but FOR SOME REASON the 3rd cover has them both butt naked.  But on a less superficial note, the story is about two teachers who start dating.  And while cute at points, I was just underwhelmed.  I think a part of it, is the fact that this behaves like a stereotypical high school romance...and while set in a high school...these are grown ass women not 15 year olds.  So I have less patience with the, “Gosh when will I get to kiss my girlfriend?” bullshit.  I mean, I would hesitate to call it bad...but it’s just not a good version of it’s brand of bullshit.

Breath of Flowers

Story & Art by: Caly                       Publisher: Tokyopop

Absolute train-wreck, this is hands down the worst Yuri I have ever bought.  The story is nonsensical and all over the place.  There is a love rival who’s trying to break the two of them up so she can get with Gwyn...but then switches mid-gear to put in a lot of effort to bring them together intentionally...but she also still wants to hook up with Gwyn...it’s very ????????????  The main conflict of Gwyn is hiding their gender so they can play basketball on the boy’s team (not well explained) is built up hugely and resolved with a hand flick.  There is a melodramatic moment where a school nurse says more or less, “GIVE IT UP YOU’LL NEVER BE A BOY!” And it’s like “OH SHIT! The fact that Gwyn is on the basketball team is cause he’s a transboy trying to live life as a boy! Oh gosh it makes so much more sense now!”  But the author seems to not even know that trans people exist cause the story bumbles along as if that scene never happened.  The closest we get is at the end Gwyn is like, “Look I’m learning to do make-up on myself to make you happy lawl!” Which is I GUESS supposed to be, “NO NO DON’T WORRY ALL OF GWYN’S GENDER STUFF WAS JUST THERE TO MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTER SEXUALLY CONFUSED WHEN SHE DISCOVERS GWYN’S TRUE GENDER!  HER TRUE GENDER IS 100% CIS WOMAN CAUSE SHE DID MAKE-UP ONCE! IT’S FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!” Like whaaaaaaaaat?  And it ends on a very random scene which doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the story.  Ugh just very bad do not interact!

A White Rose in Bloom

Story & Art by: Asumiko Nakamura    Publisher: Seven Seas

At an all girls catholic school a young woman falls for a mysterious foreign student.  I grabbed this cause it’s gay and I overall like Asumiko Nakamura’s work (she also does Doukyusei, double mints, and others.)  However I was just not grabbed with this title.  I just felt like I wasn’t getting what was making the MC pants on head obsessed with Steph.  Also the lead’s mother tells her that she’s getting divorced and therefore will no longer have money to pay for the university and she’s framed like a super bad person for this.  Like I get why the MC (a teenager) would think that something like that is THE END OF THE WORLD! But I remember them really framing the mom like a selfish bitch for this...when like...it’s well established that her mom and dad’s relationship has been toxic for YEARS and that they TRIED SO HARD to fix it.  OH WELL!  This might be good but it just didn’t grab me in the 1st volume.

I’ll make a post on the BL titles later! Take care and Stay Rotten!

[tundrainafrica]

Note: Instead of posting a meta or a fic today, allow me to take a quick break from that because I think I really need to appreciate some people here and the fandom overall.  

February 7, 2021. 

Today, I turned 24 and my boyfriend surprised me with a gift I think I’ll be taking to heart for a very long time. 

The story behind the gift was as precious (or even more precious) as the gift itself and I thought I’d share it since it turned out some content creators were involved in this gift and I very much want to express how much this gift has defined this day for me and will place my 24th birthday as one of those birthdays I don’t think I’ll ever forget. 

Apparently, I had casually dropped both my tumblr and my ao3 account during one of our conversations and somewhere around November he had started looking through my bookmarks, my posts on tumblr and some of my interactions with people in the fandom.

I should have seen it coming. It had started with my boyfriend suddenly asking about my hyperfixation with Levihan.

Sav? Shipping? Sav? Binge reading ships and meta posts? Sav? Gushing about a fictional ship?

And I remember gushing about this with my seemingly uninterested boyfriend a long night after explaining what was oddly the most out of character thing for someone like me. 

I was sharing with him my metas and hcs and maybe, I was dropping a few of my favorite quotes along the way and it turned out he was interested. Suddenly he was asking me about my favorite fics, my favorite scenes. Suddenly, he was rereading my favorite fics with me and a few times, he was quoting those same scenes. I did find out he was looking through my blog when I got a random message from a really sketchy tumblr telling me to open my facebook. 

I suspected a few times that he could be planning something. December passed with nothing and eventually he stopped asking so I clocked that as a fevered dream or unnecessary assuming on my end and didn’t think too much of it after. 

It turned out my boyfriend had messaged my favorite authors about their fics and he commissioned one of my favorite artists (if not my favorite) to draw a few photos and bound them into a Levihan Anthology 

And it feels fucking amazing to receive something like this. To get Levihan which helped me through the worst of 2020, bound forever as a book I can just open up and read anytime. And I guess tearing up at receiving such a gift had me thinking of a lot of things at once (which were always at the back of mind) but I thought of sharing now. 

The past year wasn’t easy. Actually. don’t think it’s an understatement to say this past year was dog shit. With the covid pandemic and all plans after that cancelled, I’m sure we can all agree we had our ups and downs. 

I had a lot of my own plans completely thrown out the window for numerous reasons. I had plans of going to law school part time while building a career. And, I got a job right after college to make these plans come true. In September the law school I got accepted to (after working so damn hard the past year to get accepted) denied my appeal for night classes. I decided to drop my enrollment to focus on my career. A week later, my job laid me off. 

And for once in my life, I wasn’t going anywhere. And I lived in a house where everyone was always doing something and as soon as I lost my job I was pressured to find another one. But as we all know, searching for a job during this pandemic isn’t easy. I was still reeling after having dropped my enrollment just to focus on my job only to lose that job the week after with no prior notice. Everyone around me was busy doing their own thing. I had no one to talk to and for a while, I was falling into this pit of depression. 

My days consisted of me hiding under the covers of my bed in between the few interviews I would take day to day. Around that time, I decided to binge watch Attack on Titan as well 

I was never one to get hyper fixated in ships. In fact, this was the first ship since Royai and Victuuri which I have been so passionate. And this is a whole new level of passion. I think this is the first time I’ve ever written so much in this small amount of time. It was slow going. Just like Levi and Hange’s relationship, my fixation with this ship was a slowburn. 

Those days alone, I was reading fanfiction by the bundle, I was scrolling through the Levihan tag like a simp, leaving kudos in ao3 on a throwaway account and just scrolling through random people’s tumblr accounts. 

What happened during the one month? And when I was alone, sad, lonely and stagnant with no one to talk to, when everyone around me was living their own lives, all I had alone in the bedroom was Levi and Hange’s stories to keep me company between interviews. 

And the meta analyses and headcanons I had about their relationship were teaching me things. They were teaching me that life was never about how quickly you progress or how far you go. Maybe the real winners in life are the ones who can build good relationships, build relationships so mutually satisfying they keep each other growing and in those few moments reading, headcanoning ships, I did realize, maybe even as stagnant as I was at that moment, my life wasn’t dogshit. 

No one’s life is dogshit for a few small bumps along the way. Sometimes it just is part of the process of growing, learning to get past the worse, learning to manage relationships. And maybe it’s these relationships which make life worth living. Maybe it’s these struggles depicted in these stories and the bounce back. Maybe it’s the love, the life, the emotions so carefully described and depicted in every single story which makes life, life. 

With every single fic I read and every single fan art I scrolled through. Levihan was teaching my things about love, loss and life. 

Sometimes, these fandoms are the things which can catch people before they fall too low into something. These works and stories authors and artists shared so generously were what pulled me out of this state and are what inspired me to explore this relationship for all the potential its worth and maybe share my own stories and headcanons which people may learn a thing or two from or maybe just find some comfort and hope in.  

And these inspirations eventually evolved to writing. Writing 10,000 words in a day in between three interviews? I never was a writer but somehow, I found myself spending hours exploring the themes of love, loss and life with our favorite pairing 

I didn’t start writing out of nowhere. I didn’t start making metas out of nowhere. I needed the right inspiration, the right content to get me into this point where I could continue writing, reading, meta-ing, appreciating, headcanoning and everything in between.

And I just wanted to express my gratefulness to every single person in the fandom who had made it possible for me to pull out of that blackhole. Fandoms are underrated and I believe there are so many lessons which can be learned from the right content and from the right people. 

To the people who so willingly went along with my boyfriend’s little project: 

@faerielleart​ I saved A LOT of your art and they’re sitting in my google photos under a folder called Levihan and maybe I did share a few of your photos (the cheeks one and the beast titan one and the les miserables) ones to my boyfriend unsolicited just to show him how beautiful Levihan can be. Thank you so much for these beautiful drawings.

@lizaloveslevihan​ You were one of the first people I talked with in this fandom and dreams really was one of those stories that fucked me up a little bit, had me make a few misses on the commute on the way home one day but maybe it did have me explore the angst genre a little more, maybe it did have me explore Levi’s character a little more. 

@ariadneamare​ YELLOW. OH GOD. You know those letters? The ones which Hange left Levi at the end of the story? I ended up copying and pasting them and sending them to my boyfriend right after reading and I remember talking to him about this. We might be facing that same type of story in the future and I guess that ended up becoming a lot of foundation of our discussion and I guess, it’s just proof that there is so much to learn from fanfiction. There’s just so much to explore and fanfiction as a genre just does not get the credit it deserves.

@fanmoose12​​ I was exploring your works even before I started this tumblr up again. Maybe it was even your works which got me building my own headcanons from Levihan and writing from there. And I think I did leave a few anonymous messages telling you how I started exploring other genres because of your fics. Your works got my out of my dark place, it got me exploring a lot of other genres and for that I’m eternally grateful.

And somehow, my boyfriend picked that all up from late night discussions and one-on-one metas. Surprisingly, he wasn’t just playing along to humor his girlfriend. He was exploring the themes of love, life, loss and Levihan right along with me. (And got spoiled about Hange’s death along the way… Oops.) 

And I am eternally grateful for that and I made sure to shower him with a lot of kisses after he kept me in the loop with what has been going on these past few months with his sudden interest in Levihan.

And this huge thank you goes out to all content creators (authors, artists, gif creators, shitposters alike). Sometimes you never know who’s thinking about your work, who’s shoehorning your works and quoting them to their best friends. Sometimes, you never will find out but your work had pulled someone out of a blackhole which they’ve been stuck in and sometimes you never know that your work has been that seemingly small thing that had taught them a lesson in love, life or relationships. Sometimes, that one work turned out to be an inspiration which got them writing and sharing their own stories or making their own drawings

And I guess, the point is, keep writing. Keep drawing. Keep sharing pouring your love, passion and emotions into works of art because you never really know whose heart you touched or whose life you changed.

I have a job now. I decided to push law school a few years back and maybe take the time to work on myself now and maybe spend the next months or maybe years writing metas and fanfictions. I was pulled out of my hole. I was inspired. I have my own stories to tell and I don’t think I would have been here if I hadn’t spent the last few months reading fic after fic, meta after meta, appreciating art after art, 

So anyway, I just wanted to share some pics of my favortie fics, immortalized in one anthology, all organized by my boyfriend. And I think he made some great decisions with these.

(Bookbinding credits to @mayerwien)

[tobinheath]

Leah Williamson and Keira Walsh have shared enough “written in the stars” moments in their 23 years to make them feel that they were fated to be best friends. Since meeting on an England Under-15s camp, their football careers have played out with a striking, almost eerie, similarity. They each play for their childhood clubs — Williamson for Arsenal, Walsh for Manchester City — and have a knack of picking up the same injuries at the same time.

They both received their first senior call-up on the same day in 2017. The 2019 World Cup was their first senior England tournament: they called each other to celebrate even before they called their parents, which resulted in Williamson shrieking “bloody hell — what have we done here?” in tears outside a London branch of Nando’s.

Most memorably, Williamson made her England debut coming on for Walsh, in the final six minutes of a World Cup qualifier against Russia in 2018. “My mum’s just framing my shirt, pestering me for that picture,” Williamson says.

Walsh interrupts, giddily. “I think that’s the only time I’ve actually done a full-teeth smile. I was so buzzing.”

“Yeah,” remembers Williamson, “because I was game faced, and you proper smiled at me and I went…” before jerking her mouth into a tight-lipped, nervous smile, chuckling.

“If it was anyone else,” Walsh picks up, “I’d have been, like: ‘I don’t want to come off’. But as soon as I saw it was Leah, I was buzzing.”

This is life at the top for two of England’s most talented young players: phenomenal success and too many good memories to count.

Today, best friends will turn opponent and they will face each other in the Women’s Super League (WSL) for the first time this season — hosts Manchester City are fourth, four points behind second-placed Arsenal — with Williamson pointing out that in a pre-COVID-19 world, she would have stayed after the match with Walsh’s family in Rochdale, where Walsh’s mother Tracy is “just like my mum”.

Over the hour they spent together on Zoom, they are gloriously good fun: warm, ebullient and habitually careering into laughter. They balance each other out, Walsh says: she is “shy and awkward” — though you would not know it here — and Williamson is the “buffer” in certain situations, and the more “logical” one of the two. Williamson views Walsh as the honest one, sometimes brutally so. “I have to step in sometimes and give it a smile and keep it balanced,” she says. “If I play a game and I’m not actually sure how it went, I would text Keira, because I know I’d get the most honest answer from anybody, even if that means it’s not what I want to hear. I think that is where the respect comes from.”

To track the pair’s football careers has been to often forget how young they are. Walsh made her City debut a few months after her 17th birthday and in November this year, Williamson played her 150th game for Arsenal. It is common for those in women’s football to grow up fast but in conversation, one is reminded of the duo’s gleeful, wonderful youth. There was the time, for instance, they rented electric scooters one afternoon at the World Cup in France to explore with Walsh’s Manchester City team-mate Georgia Stanway. The room-mates — Stanway with Williamson, Walsh with Lucy Bronze — had a group chat titled “The three best friends and Lucy”. Stanway, the youngest England player at the tournament, sped ahead on her scooter and they had to “rein her back in”, Williamson says.

“You were being a bit of a Cautious Claire, weren’t you?” teases Walsh, turning to Williamson, “probably as you should do at a World Cup. I think we were just enjoying being kids, weren’t we? Obviously, we were playing, and the reason we were there was to win, but we have so much free time that we were just enjoying being the younger ones.”

“All the older ones… that’s what they kept saying to us,” says Williamson. “Kaz Carney was like: ‘Make sure you enjoy your time now, because hopefully one day you will be the senior ones and there’ll be a lot more pressure on you. Just have the best time ever, make as many memories as possible. Jill Scott — I mean, she was a bit more wild than we are — said she’s got some of the best memories ever from those early tournaments and she wished she could do it again. I don’t think we wanted to waste a second.”

Do not presume, though, that the pair are anything other than serious competitors. By 20, Walsh had won every domestic title going: the WSL, FA Cup and League Cup. Williamson has won the league once, the FA Cup twice and the League Cup twice, finishing as runner-up in the latter to Walsh’s City in 2019. Walsh, an artful holding midfielder in the mould of Sergio Busquets — she grew up watching clips of him and David Silva with her father — will be among the most important players in the England squad moving forward and Williamson, capped 17 times, is touted as a future England captain.

It has not always been easy, though. An early test came in the form of Williamson’s ankle injury, sustained playing for Arsenal against Walsh’s Blackburn Rovers in the FA Youth Cup final. It was so traumatic Walsh admits there are still occasions she will search for Williamson’s results, see her friend has come off and think, “Please tell me it’s not her ankles again. My mum mentions it to me. She’ll say: ‘Did you see Leah came off?’” She addresses Williamson. “Because I’ve seen you in person do it, I feel like I automatically panic. When I see you at camp two weeks later, you’re like: ‘Maybe I was being a bit soft when I came off — it’s nothing to do with my ankles’. But I know what you’ve been through with them, so it is the first thing I think about.”

Williamson, in her own words, “basically just snapped my ankle and everything in it” after misplanting her foot. Stretcher, gas and air, a wheelchair, a doctor advising her to go straight to hospital. “I’m trying to fight back the tears and she’s nearly crying looking at me as well,” Williamson remembers. She stayed at the game because Arsenal had lost the season prior and she wanted to collect her winner’s medal.

“I think I played most of the game thinking, ‘I just hope she’s OK’,” says Walsh. “The only thing I actually remember from that game — not the goals or anything — was afterwards, I saw Leah on the side in a wheelchair with an Arsenal bobble hat on, having to wheel herself on to get her winner’s medal.”

A few months on from Williamson’s injury, Walsh damaged her ankle ligaments — it was an impact injury, and on her laptop, Williamson has pictures of her and Walsh “in wheelchairs at different times”. Walsh collected her second ankle injury at a training camp in La Manga, by which point Williamson’s ankles had betrayed her again. “We were both sat on the bench laughing because it was just crazy luck that we’d both done it again,” Walsh smiles. “I knew I couldn’t sit there feeling sorry for myself next to you.”

During their separate rehabilitation processes, they maintained the habit of visiting each other as often as they could. Their close friendship meant they were never allowed to share a room on international duty to ensure they didn’t isolate themselves from the rest of the group. Walsh was the class clown and Williamson the captain, meaning that “Leah would always get told off for me. They’d always be like: ‘Leah! You need to tell Keira she needs to be a bit more professional!’”

What it all meant was they had lost time to make up elsewhere. Each Christmas, Walsh would come to London from Rochdale and Williamson’s mother Amanda “would treat us to something from Jack Wills. That was like an annual little thing that we did, because I don’t think that I’d ever heard of Jack Wills, being from the north, until I met all these southerners at camp that used to wear it. I think I actually used to go down to see Amanda more than you, to be honest.”

What did they think of each other when they first met?

“You first,” says Williamson.

“No — you go,” Walsh replies.

“I’m going to big you up here,” Williamson begins. “Keira’s always been… she was always one of the best there, and you always want to be mates with the good ones.”

Walsh returns the favour: “I think I was quite jealous of you when you first came because everyone was like: ‘She’s amazing. I was thinking, I want to be amazing, as well, so I want to be friends with her.”

“That’s good, that we both thought the same thing.”

“There you go, then. That’s why we’re friends.”

“I’d say I’m your fangirl, Keira. I’m your hype man.”

Walsh has always been Williamson’s biggest supporter — “when you scored your first goal for England, I think I was happier for you than I would have been if I’d scored” — but probably has good reason to worry about Williamson calling herself a hype man. Before the World Cup, Williamson visited Cex, the second-hand goods chain, and spent £50 on some DJ decks to master during downtime at the tournament.

“I just looked across the corridor and I was like, ‘What is that noise? I’m sure that’s Leah’s room’,” Walsh recalls. “I opened the door and you had these big headphones on, mixing the decks. I saw Georgia just lying on the bed and I was like, ‘What is going on in here?’ They had the balcony door open and you were like: ‘Wait for the drop. Wait for the drop’. I was like: ‘OK – I’ll wait for the drop. You like your music, you are good with music and you actually might be very good. I trust you’. And the drop just never came.”

Williamson hoots with laughter. “Never came. I thought it would be so much easier than it was. It was so hard.” She shakes her head, jokingly rueful. “Massive flop. Massive flop.”

“I feel like you just try your hand at loads of random stuff,” continues Walsh. “I see you on camp and you’re like: ‘I’m doing the harmonica now’.”

Williamson says she has “found her calling” playing the piano in lockdown, but Walsh is unimpressed. “It’s just you try to give off this cool vibe and I feel like people don’t really know you. It just makes me laugh. What have you got — a lightsaber pen? And Star Wars pyjamas? People would just not think that. When you see the exterior of Leah, you would just think, ‘No – not Star Wars’. She’s done all these photoshoots, she’s dead cool, and then she just whacks out the craziest stuff and just makes me laugh.”

Williamson holds up her hands. “It’s true. I can’t deny it.”

The World Cup was particularly testing for Walsh, for whom fierce social media criticism left her questioning whether she wanted to continue to play football. Walsh has spoken numerous times about the impact on her confidence, but what was it like for Williamson, who did not feature as much as Walsh, to witness? She pauses. “I think it’s hard,” she begins, “because you just feel so powerless when you’re not playing. It’s not even like I can go on the pitch and have a shocker to save her from the criticism,” she laughs. “If I tell Keira she’s great, there’s a slight bit of her that’s… I’m her best mate, so I’m going to try and pick her up as much as possible.

“The main thing, especially from a squad perspective, is that we all know how valuable Keira is to us and how — I’m bigging you up here — she’s the centre of what we’re doing as a team. It just annoys me. I wish I could eradicate all those other people because we, as a team, appreciate her so much. That’s all I ever said to Keira – if anybody was picking a team, you’d be the first name on the teamsheet. But it’s hard to get… like I say, I’m her best mate, so I’m honest with her, but at the same time, she probably needed to hear that a little bit more.”

They didn’t talk about it so much, Walsh says. “Because you weren’t playing, I didn’t want to put that on you because I felt like it would be selfish,” she adds. “I thought, at the time: you know what? We’ll just make the best of it off the pitch, and I think that’s why we had such a good time.” Williamson’s first appearance, from the bench in the round-of-16 match against Cameroon, changed Walsh’s perspective “because I was just so happy for you that I didn’t care what people would say about me at that moment. People could say whatever they wanted because I’ve just played in a World Cup with my best friend. Not many people can say that.”

To be best friends, as professional athletes, is a balancing act: in any other walk of life, they would — could — rage at each other, moan, weep, get angry. As professional footballers, they are wary of distracting the other. “I know what you want to achieve, so my problems taking a back seat is fine with me if I know you’re going on to achieve what you want to achieve,” Walsh tells Williamson.

To Sunday, then, and what will happen when two best friends turn competitors for 90 minutes. Walsh smirks. “I feel like you try and keep a really focused head, and then I’ll just be like…” she cups her hands for a high-pitched whisper and springs up like a Jack in a box. “’Leah!’” Williamson rollicks back with laughter. “Then she’ll turn around and she’ll start laughing, but I do it because I know she’s going to laugh and I know that she’s trying to focus. I feel like I’m a lot more relaxed than you. You’re like, ‘Game face, game head, here we go’, and you just have that annoying friend in the background.”

Stanway is the worst, apparently, to the point where Walsh and Williamson will intervene — Williamson with a stern “we’re not having that today” when Stanway inevitably flattens her early doors. “We always text each other a couple of days, speak to each other earlier on in the week before we play each other,” says Williamson of her and Walsh.

“In the game and stuff, we have our little tiffs, and if I say something and she doesn’t agree with it, we’re both playing for the win, and we both understand that,” Walsh concludes, “but then afterwards, we’re straight over to each other.”

She starts to sign off, but Williamson beats her to it. “See you Sunday,” they chorus, in unison.

[witch-hazels-musings]

okay 🦷 anon here!! (for context i use he/they pronouns and my ex uses he/him pronouns)

so, i had been in a relationship with him for nearing a year and a half, everything had been going pretty good even through covid. we both have struggles with mental health in the first place, and quarantine didn’t really make it much better... around November (2020) he seemed more and more off, and i just tried to talk to him and he just didn’t answer me. he started to play more and more games online with his online friends, whom i had talked to maybe once or twice, not that it’s important, of course i respect is friendships and that friends will jokingly flirt, but, him and this guy- they flirted constantly, right in front of me and i made it known that it made me feel insecure and uncomfortable. he just brushed it off and told me it was nothing. it was still eating at my brain in January. i noticed more and more that he wasn’t replying how he normally would, he was giving me one word answers to my paragraph. i finally asked him a question that i didn’t want to know the answer to, it was late January when i asked; “why did we stop calling every night that we weren’t together physically? are you okay?” and the answer i got was “because i’ve been calling [the guy] every night to go to sleep, i promise you it’s nothing.” and he said this with a blank. fucking. expression- i just decided to trust his promise. i thought we were okay, i thought he loved me as much as i love(d) him. i was wrong. long story short, he breaks up with me the “day” after valentines, i say “day” because it was 1am, i had planned a date and everything (covid safe ofc) and he face times me, says that he’s ending things between us. he says he needs to be single for a while to figure himself out, and that if/when he was better, that he’d get back together with me if i still wanted to. i didn’t mention that my birthday is on the 21st of February, so i had that as well. i didn’t leave my bed for days, and i lost about 10 lbs in just under a week because i wasn’t eating anything other than water. i also only attended my zoom classes from my ipad so that i’d at least get counted as there, and didn’t do any work for a while. lil’ skip to the day after my birthday, i am notified by a mutual friend of ours that he started dating the guy, less than 24 hours after he “broke us off for his own health” and that just confused me and hurt me even more- i genuinely felt broken, i still feel somewhat broken. i feel like i’m just, nonexistent to myself anymore. my friend group wanted to cheer me up, so they introduced me to genshin, and i’ve been playing every single day since the 21st, if i’m unmotivated to play, i’ll at least log in, do the daily commissions, return and send characters on their expeditions and then log off. Thanks to genshin i have been able to channel my emotions and get entrapped in the world, in a good way. It has helped me cope, greatly, and i have grown into myself more. yeah, i have shitty days where i don’t want to do anything other than just sleep the entire day, and sometimes i’ll just let it happen. the game has helped me so much, plus, the characters voice-lines, learning about them, it just makes me feel almost loved? but yeah that’s my hella summarized yet extremely long tangent of what happened- i hope this wasn’t too much to read haha. thank you for listening. much love cuties! -🦷

hey, thanks for the patience in waiting for me to reply! what you’ve shared with me must have been hard to share ... and what you’ve been through is upsetting, to be with someone and to trust them with the level you did - only to have them turn around and betray that trust... i can’t even imagine the pain you must have felt to go through this and to then find out about what they did. 

(like honestly, that whole “i’ve been calling this other person” part ... the f* that’s so uncool and like wth, to just say that outright to your partner ... the level of rude is so high I can’t ...) 

There are days when distracting works so well, there are days when distracting never is enough and you’ll find your mind returning to it all ... it’s heartbreaking to give so much and to feel, to know it was one-sided. So, I am really relieved to know you have something that is motivating you and giving you some reprieve from this situation. To give you another thing to think of, to look at these characters and their story and to connect with them, laugh with them, be sad with them ... that’s why we are all here because we’ve connected with this game and these characters and to know they will be there for you -- humans strive connection, we reach for it, stretch our arms out to it, cry for it and when we find it, we hold onto it. I hope you can find some additional connections here and can bring a smile to your face once again ( a true, genuine, a for YOU smile!)

I want you to write this down so you have it when the days feel the worst and you can replace the words which spiral in your brain: 

I am a person who is: trusting, generous, considerate, patient, and loving. These parts of me make me WHOLE and I have the ability to make these shine so bright that I can stay true to who I am because I am me, I am _*your name*__

i hope reaching out and sharing this with me helped you, and that my words offered you something <3 <3 I am sending you all the warmth I can! 

[alpacaparkaseok]

Where you should be

Chapter 4: Atychiphobia

Genre: Hobi x oc

Warnings: this series contains stalking, blackmail, and similar stressful/fear inducing situations. Also unrequited love, which is perhaps the most terrifying of all.

Word Count: 2.2k

Atychiphobia - an irrational and persistent fear of failing

August 2019

I’ve received two more notes. One was taped onto my studio door before I arrived for the day, another was placed on my keyboard when I left for a couple of minutes to use the restroom.

Bang PD has reviewed the security footage over and over again. The first incident did show a man in a hood and mask, matching the description I offered.

However, the other two times showed different people. A slender woman taping the letter on my door and checking over her shoulder. And a young man, rushing inside my studio when I left and leaving supposedly leaving the note on my keyboard.

As a result of the multiple breaches in security, I now get to have my very own little friend to shadow me while at work.

By little friend, I mean bodyguard. Ha-joon is fairly new to the job, but he’s definitely excited for his new position. I can tell by how he can never stay completely still.

“What time are you taking your lunch today?” He asks me, pacing beside the door. I’ve just lowered the headphones from my head, making a grand show of stretching before swiveling around to face him.

“How about now? Are you hungry?”

Ha-joon’s eyes light up. “Yes. Where should we go?”

I shrug. It’s not very often that I go out for lunch, I’m more the type to just pack a lunch or call up some takeout. However since acquiring a bodyguard that resembles an oversized puppy, I’ve come to learn that he needs to be taken out or else he goes a little crazy.

“Wherever you want, I don’t have a preference.” Following Ha-joon out of the studio, I make sure to lock the door behind me. Ha-joon’s eyes are wide as he looks up and down the hallway, waiting for some stranger to jump out of the shadows.

The air is thick and muggy as we exit the building, the two of us chatting quietly as we head toward the bus stop. Neither of us owns a car, but it’s fine. The bus will take us straight to the downtown area of Seoul where all the good street vendors hang about.

“-so then I graduated just over a year ago. To be honest, I really didn’t expect to be given an assignment so quickly, but-”

“Ha-joon, we’re in public, remember?”

The tall man gives me a sheepish smile. “Right.” We try our best to act like normal friends out in public; there’s no need for people to be wondering why I’ve got a bodyguard.

I fan my face, trying to breathe in the muggy air. “You think it’s gonna rain today? I hope so, this weather is horrible.”

“Probably, but it’s worse after it rains sometimes, don’t you-” Ha-joon is interrupted for the second time when a car pulls up to a stop in front of us, parking illegally in the bus stop area. People all around immediately start whispering and glaring, although nobody has the nerve to approach the shiny car.

Ha-joon steps in front of me, blocking my view before I can remember where I’ve seen that car before. Peeking around his body, I watch as one of the tinted windows rolls down.

“As much as you enjoy taking the bus, I’m not going to let you melt out here.”

My breath catches in my throat as I see Jung Hoseok sitting behind the wheel, Do-yun beside him. Ha-joon exhales, looking visibly relieved that there’s no real threat.

“Hop in,” Doyun says, getting out of the passenger side and gesturing for me to take his place.

I try to give Doyun a look that will soften his heart into letting me sit in the back, but he looks away from me and greets Hajoon. Holding my breath, I duck into the passenger seat.

Hoseok sits tall and rigid despite his show of casualness earlier. I feel like I could throw a bolt of lightning with how charged up I feel, too afraid to move too quickly for fear of exploding. Hajoon is oblivious to my current predicament, although I do catch Doyun’s eye in the rear view mirror.

He’s smirking.

“Where to?” Hoseok asks, quickly driving away from the bus zone. I turn around to look at Hajoon.

“Oh,” my bodyguard speaks up. “We were just going for lunch, I hadn’t decided where, yet.”

“I see.” I think he glances over at me but my eyes are glued to the road, refusing to look anywhere else besides those yellow lines that dot the street. Reminding myself with every line that there are some very clear lines here that I must not cross.

“...don’t mind, right?”

Hoseok’s voice sounds like it’s underwater as I only catch the last few words. Turning to him with wide eyes, I can feel the stares of both Doyun and Hajoon upon me. “I’m sorry, what? I didn’t catch what you said.”

Keeping his attention on the road ahead, Hoseok repeats himself. “I was asking if it was alright if we joined in on your lunch today. Doyun and I have been wanting to try this new place not far from here.”

Ignoring Hajoon’s puppy-dog gaze, I shrug. “That’s fine.”

♟

Sitting around the table, I sit directly across from Hoseok who keeps glancing at me every few seconds. Doyun and Hajoon are swapping stories, which means that Hajoon is practically drooling as Doyun talks about his time as a bodyguard for one of the most famous groups in the world.

It’s nice here. Probably too nice for a simple lunch before heading back to the agency, but I let it slide. Despite the knots in my stomach from Hoseok’s conflicted stare, it’s nice to be on good terms with him again.

He hasn’t reached out to me since I turned down his offer a couple of months again, but my mind has been elsewhere anyway. He’s been busy with work, I’ve been busy with stalkers.

Our food has just arrived when I see Hoseok staring at me, trying to get my attention amidst the neverending conversation between Doyun and Hajoon.

I furrow my brows. “What is it?”

“I think your phone was going off.”

Frowning, I take my phone out of my pocket. I had it on silent, how did he know-

The three occupants at my table appear to be completely engulfed in the meal before them, their eyes wide as they begin to taste the food and offer up their thoughts. I notice Hoseok’s phone sits beside his plate, face down.

“You’ve hardly touched your food,” Hajoon remarks, glancing over at me with a concerned expression. “Are you feeling alright?”

Setting my phone down and fighting the blush in my cheeks, I start to attack my food. “Sorry, got distracted.”

My blush only deepens when I hear Hoseok’s breathy laugh from across the table, and I stare down my noodles.

Lines, Ha-rin. Remember what side of the line you’re on.

Maybe I can’t resume what relationship we had before. This, however...this might work. Group lunches and harmless conversations might be just enough to help me move on.

As I see how Hoseok’s dark hair falls into his eyes and he brushes it back, looking up at me and smiling, I offer a small smile of my own.

September 2019

In September I learned that I would still love Jung Hoseok even if he did leak the tracks I labored over to the entire world. I also learned that he was still interested in listening to my work.

October 2019

In October I learned that friendships can be salvaged when it’s a true friend. I also learned that there’s more to a name than just letters. 

November 2019

In November I learned that Jung Hoseok will always come through, even if he’s been rejected. 

That little fact made me even more distraught over the fact that I had to reject him in the first place.

December 2019

In December I learned how to set my pride aside and reach out to him first. I also learned that I have very thin walls, because my neighbors were very upset when they heard me yelling at my TV. 

March 2020

I enter the Bighit building with a skip in my step, humming as I head toward my studio. I’ve just settled down in my chair and powered up my computer when Adora appears at my door.

“Hey!” I greet her, grinning wide but my smile slipping away when I see her concerned expression. “What’s wrong?”

She shakes her head. “Bang PD just called a meeting, he sent me to come grab you.”

My eyes widen as I follow her out into the hallway, Hajoon appearing and walking in front of us. “Are the boys…?”

She knows that I’m asking about BTS, who’ve just returned from their promotions in the states. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve seen them around. Today I was hoping to get to see them. I guess my wish is coming true.

“They’re fine. I think this has more to do with that virus?”

Frowning, I enter the conference room with her, my worries fading as I see Hobi sitting with the rest of his group in the far corner. He looks up at my arrival, giving me a small smile.

Sitting beside Adora, Bang Si Hyuk does a head count before getting down to it. “Thanks for coming up, everybody. I know this wasn’t in the schedule for today, but we really need to talk about some pressing matters here.”

The room is deathly quiet as Bang Si Hyuk begins to explain COVID-19, and possible repercussions. I watch as Yeonjun and Soobin whisper to each other, worried expressions painted on their faces. Namjoon sits up straight, his shoulders tight as he hangs onto every word being said.

When the words ‘tour’ and ‘postponed’ are brought up, the silence is broken by Yoongi. “How long do you think we’ll need to postpone it for? Just until the summer?”

Bang Si Hyuk’s face does little to hide his thoughts. “I...I really don’t know. I just think we have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.”

After further discussing our options, we break to head back to work. Hobi heads straight out the door before anyone else, his polite smile hiding his distress.

Heading back to my studio, I debate whether or not I should go up to the top floor and check on him. There’s no doubt in my mind that that’s where he is right now, but I’m not sure if he’s really in the mood to talk. Should I bother him right now? There’s a lot on his mind, I’m sure. And we’ve all got a lot of work to do if we’re going to get ahead of this virus-

“Fancy some fresh air?”

I’m torn from my thoughts as I hear a deep voice from before me. I gasp as the same tall man from all those months ago outside of my apartment complex appears in the doorway of my studio, a smug grin on his face.

Turning around to call out for Hajoon, I hear him clicking his tongue.

“Now, we don’t want to make a scene, do we?”

I scowl at him. “Why wouldn’t I?”

He chuckles, the sound ugly coming from his mouth. “Cutting right to the point. Good, I like that.” Holding up his phone, he extends it to me. “Take a look for yourself, darling.”

When I don’t budge, he shakes his head as though annoyed with me before tossing his phone. I catch it, keeping one eye on him as I look at the screen.

It’s a photo.

“Feel free to scroll through, there’s more.”

I’m fairly certain that I’ve forgotten how to breathe as photo after photo of Hoseok and I appear. There’s one of the two of us eating in my studio, several of us in the parking lot and getting into his car...there’s even one of the two of us outside his apartment, Hoseok reaching out to steady me as I descend his stairs.

“And?” I muster up the courage to look back up at the man, trying to be as discreet as possible as I move my fingers in order to delete the photos. The man scoffs at me.

“You can delete them if you’d like.”

I pause, mouth dropping as his words hit. “...then-”

“All of these photos are backed up already in my own personal file. They’re ready to be sent off to Dispatch first thing in the morning, along with a write-up of Jung Ha-rin, the coveted producer from a failing company that Bang Si Hyuk bought out for one of his beloved idols.”

My blood begins to boil as I look back down at the last photo. It’s a more recent one, taken just a few months ago when we went out to lunch with Hajoon and Doyun.

I know what it looks like. Hoseok and I smiling at each other across the table, our bodyguards flanking us on either side. Dispatch will tear this apart.

“How about we take a walk together? I’m sure we could come to some sort of agreement, don’t you?” He grins at me, taking a step closer and resulting in me taking a step back. “It won’t take long. Fifteen, twenty minutes tops.”

Sparing the empty hallway one last glance, I take a deep breath. “What do you want from me?”

The man’s smile reminds me of an evil, over the top Disney villain. “Now that’s the golden question.”

Previous - Next

taglist is open!

taglist: @taylorroe3​ @dreamcatcherjiah @diorhoba @eusticenatalie @ddaeng-i-need-help

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

Just a personal update, some writing chatter, etc beneath the cut :)

So far, my cat seems normal, no more seizures (not while we were awake, anyway).  I have no idea how things will pan out- I’m sure hoping there is no epilepsy or neurological problem.  I love my cats so much ;_;

I don’t really know where I am lately, like...  I’m all over the place???  With all kinds of things.  I’ve been drawing a lot, which has been nice- although I immediately am like, “But I’m not writing?”  It’s so frustrating that I can’t keep all the balls up in the air.

I feel the weight of the pandemic as the time stretches on and it keeps...  Being.  Touching every day.  I’m tired, dudes, and I never got covid (that I know of) and no one in my home lost their job.  I have it good somehow, and I still feel the greasy fingers of the pandemic all over everything, leaving a nasty, streaky film.

Ahhhh, I have no idea what I’m going to do for writing.  I was thinking, you know, November and Nanowrimo are coming up, so I should probably use October as a planning period?  But...  Um, I’ve been doing Nanowrimo since 2008, but I’m just not feeling it this year, not at all.  I was thinking of doing a time based goal instead of 50K words.  Maybe an hour of dedicated drafting per day?  I still need to plan for that, lol, although not as intensely.  What’s it gonna be?  Four Years?  Tri: Integrity Lens?  Sorato story (bakery/royalty AU)?

Oh, that reminds me, I need to get the Camp Digimonth tumblr set up!  I was calling the event Digiwrimo, but I want artists and other creatives to be welcome, too.  I decided to switch the name to Camp Digimonth, echoing Camp Nanowrimo, where participants set their own goals and the projects are more flexible.  I like that it also hearkens to our first adventure with digimon at summer camp!  

WHO IS NERVOUS ABOUT HOLDING AN EVENT?!  This gal!  But I’m hoping creating together will be fun for everyone!

I’m not sure if I can keep up my TIL updates???  I have some stuff to figure out, creatively.  

I hope you are all doing well.  Much love to you <3

[crygimethydgoode]

Lover’s Fantasia Chapter 4 (Crystal Methyd x Gigi Goode RPDR12) New York

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32286397/chapters/80839384

Summary: February 2020 brings Crystal and Gigi to Las Vegas for the season 12 premiere, and New York City for press week. Meanwhile in Amsterdam, Crystal and Gigi are learning to trust each other again. 

but for you darling id do it all again

July 9th, 2021

Amsterdam

“You know... a year ago I would’ve killed for this with Crystal,” Gigi whispered on FaceTime with Symone.

“Oh, believe me, I know,” Symone laughed, and Gigi couldn’t help but smile.

“But it’s... it’s not what I thought it would be like. You know?” Gigi asked. Symone just cocked her head, waiting for her to continue. “The little weekends we had together were so desperate and fleeting. We felt like we had to make the most out of every minute because that’s all we had. But now we... well- it feels like we have all the time in the world here. And we’re just... taking our time. Becoming friends again. I think... trusting each other again. I don’t know. There’s no pressure. It’s just us in Amsterdam. It’s nice,” Gigi explained. “Don’t tell Hunter,” she added, and Symone started to laugh.

“Oh you know I won’t! You could tell him though. He won’t be mad,” Symone said.

“I know,” Gigi sighed. “He’d just be… I don’t wanna worry him.  I’ll tell him when there’s something to actually tell him, you know? Right now, me and Crystal are just learning to exist together.”

“Right,” Symone nodded. “Well, Rosy and I are happy for you. We’re glad you’re getting a second chance. And you know Gigi, while being with Crystal again isn’t what you imagined, that might be a good thing. Maybe this will be even better.” Symone said softly, and Gigi hated that her chest ached, hated that her stomach was fluttering. Hated that she felt hopeful again for something with Crystal. When she voiced this to Symone, she was met with a sympathetic smile.

“I can’t imagine how confused you must be. I mean- you two have a lot of history. A lot of shit you’ve gotta work through. And that’s okay. Okay?” Symone tried to stay positive, smiling sweetly.

“Okay,” Gigi whispered. “I just don’t wanna get my heart broken. Again. You know?”

“I know,” Symone said softly, and there were tears in both of their eyes. Old habits die hard. “You look out for yourself. Always put your happiness and well-being first, always. You’re too smart, too strong, too beautiful. You are Gigi Mothafuckin Goode! You’ve got this baby.”

“I’ve got this,” Gigi’s voice cracked, and she swore there were happy tears in her eyes. “I miss you,” she whispered. “Anyways. Crystal, Jaida, and I are going to a sexy leather club tonight, so I’ve gotta go. I love you, bye!” Gigi hung up and started to get ready for the night.

Apparently, Jaida had found a section in Michelle’s Amsterdam guidebook talking all about these gay bars where everyone was clad in leather and heavy piercings, and she insisted on everyone going. Michelle declined, using the time to FaceTime with her husband and daughters, who would hopefully be coming to visit soon. Gigi was hesitant to accept as well, but Crystal and Jaida were both so excited, and she didn’t wanna miss out. Besides, the guys will be sexy, Gigi will be drunk, and Crystal will be... Crystal. Why not?.

So Gigi got ready and went down to the coffeeshop to wait for Crystal and Jaida, hovering by the door. Then she felt her phone buzzing and looked down to see Jaida calling her.

“Hello?” Gigi said into the phone. She immediately had to pull it away from her ear, the pounding music was so loud.

“GIIIIIGIIIIII IM DRUNK!” Jaida screamed, and Gigi let out a small laugh.

“I can hear that,” she chuckled.

“I'M STILL GONNA COME TO THE LEATHER BAR, BUT NOT FOR ANOTHER LIKE... HOUR AND... LIKE AN HOUR AND A... NOT MORE THAN TWO HOURS! I DON'T KNOW! I’LL MEET YOU THERE, I PROMISE! I LOVE YOU!” Jaida yelled, and hung up without getting a response from Gigi.

“Okay then,” Gigi said to no one, putting her phone back in her pocket.

“What?” Crystal said, coming down the stairs. Gigi tried not to look at her for too long, admiring her mullet that had been piled into a messy bun on her head.

“Jaida is at some club, she’ll meet us in a couple hours,” Gigi explained, giving Crystal a knowing grin. “I like the hair, by the way. Very main character of you,” she couldn’t help but add, and her grin only got wider when Crystal let out a loud laugh, leading them outside.

“I want my look to scream ‘my mom sold me to be One Direction’s sex slave’, you know?” Crystal quipped as they began to walk down the bustling Amsterdam street.

“‘Ello luv, I’m Harry. We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” Gigi said in her best Harry Styles voice, and they laughed the rest of the way to the club, reminiscing about all the shitty One Direction fanfiction they read in 2012. And then they arrived at the club, and Gigi’s smile immediately fell from her face. “Oh,” she whispered. “This place looks...” she trailed off.

“Scary,” Crystal said, and Gigi quickly agreed. The place in Michelle’s guidebook had unfortunately closed due to COVID-19. So Crystal looked up “Leather gay Amsterdam” on Google and they just walked to the first address. But Google maps took them down three different narrow side alleys, into a side of town neither of them had been to. The street was dimly lit, and Gigi couldn’t help but feel like Harry Potter in the second movie, walking past all the dark wizards in Knockturn Alley. Weird example. It was scary. “So should we- should we go in?” Crystal asked, voice small.

“I guess,” Gigi replied, completely unsure of herself. And so they went into the bar together. Once they got through security and were inside, the first thing Gigi was able to process was the music pounding through her ears, making the floor vibrate. The second thing Gigi noticed was Crystal tightly clinging to her, and Gigi knew she was holding Crystal back just as tight.

“Are you okay?” Crystal yelled into Gigi’s ear. The music was so loud, Gigi could still hardly hear her. “Do you feel safe? We can leave if you want to,” Crystal said, and if Gigi weren’t so scared, her heart would’ve melted.

“Do you want to leave? Are you okay?” Gigi asked.

“I’m asking YOU if YOU’RE okay,” Crystal retorted, and now they were both smiling, despite the glowering man who was standing in the corner of the room with a whip.

“Well, I’m okay. Are YOU okay?” Gigi asked.

“Yes! I’m good. If you’re fine, I’m fine,” Crystal said and held out her hand. Gigi took it, putting on her bravest face. They decided to go to the bar, knowing they wouldn’t get through the night sober. Three tequila shots and two Rum and Cokes each later, Crystal and Gigi were getting less and less nervous about the club. Everyone was actually really nice, and the bartender was funny and knowledgeable about all things Amsterdam. Needless to say, Gigi was actually enjoying her night. Until some ripped, picture perfect dreamboat came up besides Crystal, immediately starting to chat her up, complimenting her hair and outfit, and- no way he just had the audacity to comment on her ass in those jeans. And Crystal was- fucking blushing. Great. Gigi sat rigid at the bar, staring directly at the wall ahead of her, refusing to look in Crystal’s direction. Gigi knew she had no claim over Crystal, knew Crystal had every right to be flirting with this guy. But it didn’t mean Gigi had to be happy about it. And then she heard the dreaded words.

“So... Can I buy you a drink?” The man asked Crystal. Gigi could feel Crystal’s eyes on her, knew that she could see the way Gigi’s shoulders had tensed up, the way Gigi was waiting with bated breath to see what Crystal would say.

“Oh uh... no thanks. I’m good with my friend here. It was nice meeting you though! Have a good night,” Crystal said kindly but firmly. The dude stalked off, but Gigi remained staring at the wall, trying to seem disinterested in everything. She could hear Crystal saying something, but pretended not to hear, instead drinking some random hard cider that the bartender put in front of them. “Gigi!” Crystal exclaimed, nudging her shoulder.

“Wha...?” Gigi said, trying to act clueless, faking a yawn. But she knew. “Did your boy toy leave?” Gigi asked nonchalantly, and Crystal was trying to hold back her laughter, and utterly failing. “Shut up,” Gigi giggled, and they were both laughing now, drinks in hand. “I’m surprised you rejected him. He was hot,” Gigi said once she was able to collect herself. Crystal gave her a funny look, slowly sipping her drink.

“Gigi... with everything going on... how could I be interested in him?” Crystal asked, and what the fuck did that mean? Maybe it meant that they were too busy in Amsterdam to worry about hooking up with random Dutch dudes. Or maybe it meant that Crystal wasn’t looking for anything like that with anyone, and she was just trying to focus on herself this summer.

Or maybe, just maybe, it meant that Crystal still wanted Gigi. Maybe Crystal wasn’t going to break her heart after all. Or maybe they were both just drunk and Gigi was reading into things too much. She never got the chance to ask that night, because right then, Jaida ran up to Crystal and Gigi, obviously plastered.

“HEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY BITCHES!”

February 2020

Las Vegas

“We’re in Vegas bitches!!!” Jan screamed. Everyone cheered along with her. Finally, season 12 of Drag Race was premiering and the whole cast was reunited in Vegas. It also just so happened to be the first time Gigi saw Crystal since November.

“I’m trying to get over her, I am,” Gigi said to Hunter one day after scrolling through old pictures and videos of her and Crystal in L.A.

“You set yourself up for failure, Geege. You’re not gonna get over Crystal if you’re driving to Venice Beach with her at three in the morning.” Hunter was right. Gigi was trying to get over Crystal, but deep down, she didn’t want to. Because why would she want to? After all, Crystal was… Crystal.

“Well it’s not like I can avoid her, she’s one of my best friends and-” Gigi paused, biting the inside of her cheek. “And when I’m with her all my common sense just goes out the window,” Gigi felt Hunter’s stare but didn’t look up at him.

“When do you have to see her next?” Hunter asked.

“The premiere, in Vegas,” Gigi said, heart dropping just thinking about seeing Crystal again.

“Great. I’ll come with you,” Hunter said.

“What?”

“I’ll come with you, I will come babysit you and make sure you don’t do anything dumb like sneak out of the hotel in the middle of the night and walk the strip with Crystal,” Hunter explained. “I also just really want to go to Vegas.” Gigi was offended at first, she could take care of herself, but then she realized it truly wasn’t the worst idea.

“Okay,” Gigi agreed. And so the two boarded their plane to Vegas.

“What are you not going to do?” Hunter asked as they walked to the restaurant everyone was meeting at on the Vegas strip.

“I’m not going to do anything that could make me fall for Crystal-”

“Gigi!” Just then Widow, Heidi, and Crystal, who were also walking towards the restaurant from the opposite direction, spotted Gigi and Hunter. Everything Hunter had told Gigi on the plane ride left Gigi’s head because there was Crystal.

There was Crystal, who was running to Gigi, completely leaving Heidi and Widow in the dust. And Gigi couldn’t see anything else but Crystal, running towards her at full speed as Gigi felt her feet start running towards Crystal too. They collided, and the world was suddenly screaming in color once again.

“I missed you,” Crystal whispered, and Gigi melted into the hug. Hunter couldn’t even be mad at Gigi, he just ran up and pulled Crystal into a hug of his own before they all entered the restaurant together.

But now they were on the party bus, with all of the girls from season 12. Gigi sat between Hunter and Crystal, which sort of felt like having an angel and a devil on each shoulder. She wasn’t sure who was which.

It didn’t take long for Crystal and Gigi to slip into their old ways. Sitting together, Crystal’s shoulders and legs pressed against Gigi’s, both of them giggling messes. “Canoodling” is what Jackie had called it when she would tease them in the vans.

“Why am I not surprised?” Jackie joked, pointing a finger at Crystal and Gigi, who both were blushing. Hunter gave Gigi a subtle nudge.  

‘You’re setting yourself up for disaster’ she reminded herself.

“Crystal, why didn’t you bring Paul? We’re all dying to meet him,” Jan said. Gigi clenched her jaw, Hunter gave her a look. Crystal let out an awkward chuckle.

“Someone had to stay home and watch Tictak,” Crystal said.

“Don’t your parents live in the same town? Couldn’t they watch your cat?” Jaida said, stirring her drink.

“Uhm-”

“Alright ladies, we all know Paul is really shy, let's move on,” Widow said. Crystal let out a sigh of relief.

“I agree because I have a few more questions for you two,” Jaida continued, crossing her legs and turning to Crystal and Gigi. Gigi felt as if they were being interrogated. “We all know you had your get together in November. We all saw you two cuddling in the back of those vans, or in the Werkroom, or the green room. We just wanna know if there’s a little something going on, that’s all,” Jaida said. Gigi’s breath hitched in the back of her throat. Luckily, Hunter jumped in.

“Believe me, I was with these two in LA. The only thing they did was try not to fall while dancing,” Hunter joked. Everyone started laughing and Gigi hoped that was the end of it all.

Of course, it wasn’t.

“So you guys haven’t even like... kissed or anything?” Jan asked.

“You meddling fuckin kids,” Widow murmured under her breath. Gigi’s face was burning, could they tell? They could definitely tell.

“No?” Crystal said.

“Kiss...kiss...kiss...” Rock M. started chanting. Fuck. Dahlia, Nicky, and Aiden joined in. Of course, Brita, the loudest one there, had to start too. Suddenly everyone was chanting “kiss” like they were in high school and playing spin the bottle. Gigi looked at Crystal, ready to spill out an apology and say they didn’t have to kiss. But much to Gigi’s surprise, Crystal was laughing along with them.

She looked at Gigi and shrugged. Gigi looked back at Hunter who gave her the look he always gave right before she was about to do something dumb. He was clutching Gigi’s arm, his eyes screaming “Don’t you fucking dare,” Gigi just looked back at Crystal, a grin on her face. Gigi removed Hunter’s hand from her wrist, and grabbed Crystal by the waist.

“OH FUCK THEY’RE ACTUALLY DOING IT!” Heidi cackled. Crystal put her hand on Gigi’s face, leaned in, and kissed Gigi. It was soft, light, and utterly perfect despite being surrounded by their season 12 sisters. The kiss lasted a second too long, lingering. Lighting coursed through Gigi, who couldn’t even hear the eruption of cheers, she just fought the urge to kiss Crystal again. Crystal pulled away, giggling but blushing. Jan, Jaida, and Jackie waved their fingers together in the middle of the bus. Gigi could feel Hunter’s pointed stare but didn’t care all that much because she just kissed Crystal Elizabeth Methyd. And god, it was fucking magical and the only thing Gigi wanted to do for the rest of her life. Crystal buried her head in the crook of Gigi’s neck, face burning.

“That’s Vegas, baby!”

Amsterdam

“This is the best idea I’ve ever had!” Crystal giggled, walking through Jaida’s apartment door with all of her and Gigi’s makeup. After passing around a bottle of Dutch Gin, Crystal suddenly suggested that she and Gigi do Michelle’s makeup, each of them getting 1/2 of Michelle’s face.

“Y’all have fun, I’m gonna keep dancing!” Jaida cackled as she danced to the non-existent music. “I fuckin love this song!” Gigi just laughed, mind extremely foggy. She hadn’t drunk that much, had she? The bottle was passed so many times she lost track around her fifth swig. All Gigi knew was that Crystal was glowing. She had been staring at her all night, and really didn’t mind if Crystal noticed. Who cares? Gigi was in Amsterdam, and the only voice of reason in her life was time zones away.

“Okay! Michelle, I am going to do the classic Crystal Elizabeth Methyd face. Gigi?” Crystal prompted, a wild grin on her face.

“I’m... I’m gonna make you orange,” Gigi giggled, pouring out way too much foundation onto the back of her hand. “Shit.” Gigi just smeared it onto Michelle’s face. “Hope you don’t like that shirt too much.”

“My turn!” Crystal took her foundation stick and began to smear it all over Michelle’s face. Michelle couldn’t hold back her laughter.

“How were you two the runners up?” She laughed, causing everyone to start laughing.

“Because Ru is obsessed with me and Gigi is talented,” Crystal giggled.

“Hey! You’re both talented. My daughters came for my fucking head when I read you for your makeup,” Michelle said.

“Oh shit you're a mom, that’s right! What’s that like?” Jaida asked, now dancing with a houseplant.

“Well, it’s a pain in the ass. But I like to think my two girls turned out okay,” Michelle laughed. “No, it’s rough. You know I’m honest...”

“We know!” Jaida, Crystal, and Gigi all said.

“Shut up you bitches! As I was saying, it sucks sometimes. You try to know what’s best for them when in reality half the time you don’t know what’s best for yourself. One day everything’s fine and the next they hate you, and you don’t even know what you did wrong. And all you can do is replay your conversations in your head trying to figure out what you could’ve possibly said to strike a nerve like that. But it’s worth it, you know? I love my daughters more than anything, they truly are my world. It’s worth it,” Michelle said, and Gigi wasn’t even paying attention to what makeup she was doing on Michelle. She was watching Crystal, who was smiling softly while listening to Michelle talk about her daughters.

“And of course, my husband is the fucking best. Seriously, I could not do it without him. He’s the cool dad. Like, when the girls don’t want to talk to me they’ll go complain to him and he’ll try to explain it all to them, that I probably wasn’t trying to be a bitch. I’ll go to them, I’ll apologize, and we’ll move on. The same thing with my husband. It’s not worth it to linger on petty little fights, it’s not, because what’s the point? You’re mad at me, I’m mad at you, then we never talk about it? I hate that shit.” Gigi desperately tried not to look at Crystal, heart in her throat. “It’s a waste of time ladies, don’t stay mad at the people who matter the most. Especially when you’re supposed to be raising two teenagers with that person,” Michelle laughed. Gigi looked over at Crystal against her better judgment. Gigi had never wanted kids, ever. Mostly because she wasn't sure if she would ever find the right person to have kids with. But as Gigi watched Crystal gently blend Michelle’s makeup, being as careful as possible to not get it in her eyes, it didn’t seem like the craziest idea. Gigi added that to the list of things NOT to tell Hunter when she called him tomorrow. She focused back on doing Michelle’s makeup, which didn’t look all too bad, mostly because Gigi was drunk.

“Gigi, what the fuck are you doing to Michelle’s face?” Jaida asked. Gigi hadn’t realized, but she heavily contoured Michelle using an orange eyeshadow. Her eyes were orange, her cheeks were orange, her lips were orange- Michelle was basically completely orange.

“I-Uhm- I did the Crystal Methyd... Method, if you will and tried to be a little more abstract,” Gigi tried to defend the monstrosity that was Michelle’s makeup.

“She looks like Donald Trump!” Crystal giggled.

“Am I really drunk or does Crystal’s side actually look good?”

“Oh Jaida, I have done my makeup drunk so many times, it’s easy,” Crystal said.

“Okay, well, can y’all be done? I’m getting tired of dancing alone, this houseplant can only make me feel so much,” Jaida said. And so they all got up and danced with Jaida, sans music. And when Crystal wrapped her arms around Gigi’s neck, and Gigi held Crystal by the waist, swaying side to side, she couldn’t fight back her smile.

“What?” Crystal asked, a smile also growing on her face.

“Nothing, c’mere,” Gigi whispered, her hand finding its way into Crystal’s curls. Her phone buzzed. Hunter.

“Tell Hunter to shut up,” Crystal chuckled. So Gigi put her phone in the empty coffee pot, not sure what else to do. She returned to Crystal’s side after a moment, who was looking out Jaida’s window at the shining street below them. And Gigi knew better than to reach out and grab Crystal’s hand, but she did. And a certain line was crossed. A line Gigi was desperately trying to avoid crossing. A line that Gigi had blurred before, a line that maybe had always been blurred. There was no coming back from this, there never was, was there? Crystal squeezed Gigi’s hand.

“I don’t know if I can walk up all those stairs,” Crystal whispered.

“If...if we crawl into Jaida’s bed... maybe she’ll go crawl into ours,” Gigi suggested.

“Gigi Goode. You’re a genius.” And so they tiptoed across the living room, as if Jaida wasn’t only a few feet away, and crawled into her bed. Gigi pulled the covers over their heads, hoping Crystal couldn’t see her blushing. “Goodnight,” she murmured.

“Goodnight,” Gigi said, but neither of them made any move to go to sleep just yet.

“Gigi?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember your first night in New York? With Jan and Jackie?” Crystal asked. Gigi tried to make out her expression in the darkness.

“Yeah. Yeah, I remember,” Gigi whispered.

“Yeah, me too. I miss it.” Crystal rolled over, leaving Gigi with nothing yet everything to say. Gigi sat there for a moment, not sure if she had struck a nerve, or hurt Crystal in some way.  But then Crystal grabbed Gigi’s arm, lacing it around her waist, lines blurred.

February 2020

New York City

Hunter had suggested that Gigi fly into New York later at night.

“Why?” Rosy asked.

“Because if you fly in later, you won’t have to see Crystal-” Hunter began to explain.

“Why wouldn’t she want to see Crystal?” Symone chimed in.

“I just think it’s best that you try to see Crystal as little as possible during press week,” Hunter said.

“But... but why?” Rosy asked again. Gigi watched as Hunter grew more and more frustrated.

“Because when Gigi is with Crystal she does dumb shit like kissing her,” Hunter shot Gigi a piercing look. He still hadn’t dropped it. Gigi couldn’t really blame him though, she never did listen to Hunter.

“I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” Rosy butted in. “Please explain to me how that’s a bad thing.”

“Because Crystal has a boyfriend-”

“Okay! I’ll fly in later, it’s fine,” Gigi interrupted, desperately wanting to end the conversation. Besides, there was no reason to start another fight with Hunter after she literally kissed Crystal right in front of him.

And so Gigi arrived at the JFK airport at 10 pm and took an Uber to the hotel. She decided that Hunter was right. It was better that Gigi tried to avoid Crystal as much as possible this week, because every time she saw Crystal in person, it just made her miss her more when they inevitably had to go home.

This was for the best. This was for the best. This was for the -

“Gigiiiiiiii.”

What was that?

“Gigiiiiiiii,” A faint voice called from down the hall. Gigi heard the sound of footsteps running down the hallway.

“Crystal! Slow down!” Another voice called.

Then Gigi heard an all too familiar knock, and her heart was in her throat. And though Gigi knew Hunter would be pissed, she grinned as she ran to the door. She opened the door and there Crystal stood, eyes glossy, cheeks flushed. She was obviously drunk.

“Gigi!” Crystal jumped into Gigi’s arms, Gigi could smell the alcohol on her.

“Hi!” Gigi laughed, holding Crystal close.

“Hello! God, I missed you.”

How many times have they said that to each other now? Countless times over the phone in the dead of night, at the airport, in Vegas.

“I missed you too.”

“Crystal? CRYSTAL?!” Gigi heard someone calling. Moments later, Jan walked by.

“She’s in here, Jan!” Gigi called. Jan entered the room, her frustrated expression immediately disappearing when she saw Crystal and Gigi in their embrace.

“I turned around for one minute and she was asking the front desk what your room number was– She also had three Margaritas,” Jan said, walking into the room. Crystal finally released Gigi from her hug, and Gigi didn’t want to admit how cold she felt. Luckily, Crystal held onto Gigi’s arm, resting her head on her shoulder. “Well! It’s your first night in New York, we oughta do something,” Jan said, plopping down on one of the chairs in the hotel room.

“I could do your makeup!” Crystal giggled. And Gigi felt as all the walls she spent the past three weeks building up crumbled to the floor yet again.

“Oh my god! Jackie was coming to meet us here anyway. She got this god-awful wig yesterday, I’ll have her bring it!” Jan squealed, already whipping out her phone to text Jackie. Okay. This was happening. And Gigi couldn’t be mad about it.

“Fuck it,” she said. Crystal cheered.

“Okay! I’ll go get my stuff!” Crystal ran to the conjoined door in Gigi’s room.

“Is your room next to mine?” Gigi asked.

“Of course, where else would it be?” Crystal giggled. Gigi let out an exasperated laugh. Of course. Moments later, Crystal returned with all her makeup. All. Her. Makeup.

“Jackie is on her way!” Jan announced. Crystal sat Gigi down on the bed, they sat facing each other, legs crossed. Gigi felt her heart pounding as Crystal held Gigi’s face in her hands, smearing on the foundation. Sometimes, Gigi would catch Crystal’s eye as she was blending out her foundation, and Crystal would fight back a smile. Gigi was sober, but she felt light headed. Crystal’s hands gently tilted Gigi’s face in a thousand different directions, before letting out a frustrated sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Gigi asked.

“I can’t get the right angle...” Crystal whined.

“Have her lay down,” Jan tried to offer casually, but Gigi could hear the mischief in her voice.

“Smart! Gigi lay down,” Crystal said. Without thinking, Gigi laid back on the bed. This was fine. Gigi was fine. Crystal Methyd was just inches away from Gigi’s face, leaning over her as she laid in bed. Crystal was still clearly frustrated. “One second, I’m not messing up this eyeliner.” Without any warning, Crystal kneeled on the bed before throwing a leg over Gigi’s torso, straddling her. She lost her balance in the process, so Gigi grabbed the side of her legs to steady her.

“Thanks,” Crystal blushed. Gigi couldn’t find the power to rip her hands away. God, was it only three weeks ago when they kissed on the party bus? Why did it feel so long ago? And why did Crystal keep smiling at Gigi like that? Gigi’s heart was in her throat as she held her breath. She had seen Crystal up close before, of course, but this was so different. Crystal made this funny face when she focused. Her eyes squinting, her lips pressed together tightly, brow furrowed. Gigi found herself grinning without even realizing it.

“What?” Crystal asked, a smile tugging at her lips. Gigi started giggling.

“You make a face when you’re focused, it’s cute,” Gigi admitted, chest burning. She ignored Jan’s gasp from across the room. Gigi had forgotten Jan was even there, sorry Jan.

Crystal sat up straight, placing a hand on Gigi’s chest. Dear God, please let her heart stop pounding.

“Well, you’re making a face too,” Crystal said, leaning in close to Gigi's lips.

“Oh really?” Gigi cocked an eyebrow, “what face am I making?”

“I... I don’t know how to describe it...” Crystal whispered. She was too close.

“Your eyes are shining,” Jan called. Thankfully, someone knocked on the door. Jan ran to let Jackie in.

“Jesus Christ, what did I miss?” Jackie said, seeing Crystal straddling Gigi.

“A lot,” they all responded. Crystal finished up Gigi’s makeup quickly but hesitated before climbing off.

“I have this stunning wig for you!” Jackie waved around the gigantic red wig she had brought. “Okay, done!” she said after pinning the wig. Crystal clasped her hands over Gigi’s eyes and walked her to the mirror. When Gigi saw herself in the mirror, she immediately burst out laughing. Of course, Crystal had painted her like a clown.

“Now we’re both clown queens!!!” Crystal giggled, leaning on Gigi’s shoulder. Gigi’s chest burned, and she saw Jan and Jackie whispering to each other out of the corner of her eye. “Smile Gigi!” Crystal said, snapping a picture and posting it. The four of them ended up spending the night on Gigi’s bed, laughing until 2 am. Crystal fell asleep on top of Gigi, and Jackie and Jan took that as their queue to leave. Gigi didn’t bother to wake Crystal up, just tucking her in under the covers and laying down with her. Gigi’s phone buzzed 3 times.

Hunter : I don’t even know what to say.

Rosy : HAHAHAHAH FUCK HUNTER YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE

Symone : Rosy and Hunter are fighting again. Please come home soon.

Gigi just turned off her phone and tried to sync her breathing with Crystals, wondering where the sun would find them in the morning.

Amsterdam

It was the sun cutting through Jaida’s window that ultimately woke Gigi up. She was instantly greeted with a splitting headache. What happened last night? Why was she in Jaida’s bed? Why was Crystal wrapped in her arms? Gigi saw the empty bottle of Dutch gin on the floor next to the bed. Oh. So that’s what happened last night.

Memories of the night before came flooding back. Jaida and Crystal dancing around the apartment, Crystal and Gigi doing Michelle’s makeup- god, where was Michelle? She probably went to her apartment. It was easier to walk across the hall than up another flight of stairs.

Gigi reluctantly unwrapped her arms from around Crystal and tried to ignore the sudden chills running over her body. It didn’t take long for Gigi to locate her phone which was left in an empty coffee pot. She had a few texts from Hunter but ignored them. He probably wasn’t awake anyway. Gigi desperately searched Jaida’s drawers for anything that could get rid of her awful headache.

“Who needs this many gummy vitamins?” she whispered to herself, pushing bottles to the side. Nothing.

“Gigi...” a groggy voice called. Gigi turned around to see Crystal stretching her arms out towards her. And for a moment, Gigi’s hangover disappeared. She walked back to the bed, sitting down next to Crystal. Crystal wrapped her arms around Gigi, burying her face in Gigi’s neck. And Gigi’s heart dropped, when was the last time she had done that? “Why is it so bright in here?” Crystal murmured into Gigi’s neck.

“Because we’re really hungover,” Gigi chuckled.

“Oh...oh yeah. We are, aren’t we? My head hurts,” Crystal whined. Gigi’s hand found its way into Crystal’s curls.

“I couldn’t find any ibuprofen, and I don’t know if it’s safe to drink the tap water here-”

“The drinking water in Amsterdam is like a delicacy,” Crystal told Gigi.

“How do you know that?”

“I obviously did research before I came here.”

“But you didn’t know that weed was legal?”

“I thought it was illegal in Europe...”

“Holy shit. And you didn’t sneak any-”

“I thought I could do a tolerance break or something. Shut up,” Crystal giggled. Gigi’s hand was still in her hair. Crystal’s arms were still wrapped around Gigi. And in the deep depths of Gigi’s brain, she wished they could just sit like this forever. And then Crystal was looking up at Gigi, a soft smile on her face, and Gigi couldn’t rip her eyes away. “How do you look so pretty hungover?” Crystal asked. Gigi’s heart dropped. She was just hungover, maybe she was even still a little drunk, but Gigi’s face was burning.

“Help...” a voice called.

“Shit. I forgot about Jaida,” Gigi said, immediately standing up. Thank god for Jaida.

“I’m in the bathroom!” Jaida groaned. Gigi and Crystal walked in to find Jaida laying in her bathtub. “I... I think I wanted to go swimming last night but fell asleep trying to turn on the faucet.” Gigi and Crystal both laughed despite their headaches.

“Scoot over,” Gigi said. Jaida made room for Gigi and Crystal to join her in the bathtub. Gigi couldn’t help but blush as she tangled her legs with Crystal’s. Jaida and Crystal both rested their heads on Gigi’s shoulders.

“I’m never drinking again,” Jaida whispered. Gigi scoffed.

“That’s what we said last weekend.” And they all burst out laughing, the cool tile against their backs making the hangover a little more tolerable. Gigi knew in a few minutes she would have to get up and start her day. Gigi and Crystal would have to crawl their way up to their apartments, and it would suck. Gigi would have to call Hunter and lie when he asks if she had been hanging out with Crystal. And Gigi would feel guilty, but not that guilty.

In a few minutes, they would have to get up and start their day, but for now, Gigi just sat sandwiched between Jaida and Crystal, and it was enough. The sound of the door opening snapped them all out of their trance.

“Jaida? Are you dead?” Michelle called.

“We’re in here!” Crystal said. Michelle entered the bathroom, also looking like a complete mess.

“I’m too old to sit in a fuckin tub” Michelle muttered, sitting on the toilet seat again. “We’re never drinking again,” she whispered, and Gigi, Jaida, and Crystal all started laughing.

“Stop making me laugh! It makes my head hurt worse...” Crystal laughed.

“God, Jaida, why did you even have us come to Amsterdam anyway?” Gigi joked.

“It wasn’t even her idea,” Michelle laughed.

“What?”

“Yeah, it was Widow’s idea actually,” Jaida admitted. Gigi’s jaw dropped. Of course.

New York City

The crowd erupted in cheers after Crystal finished performing “Womanizer” by Britney Spears. Gigi was sitting with Widow, who just so happened to bring her dab pen. Needless to say, Gigi was just a little bit fucked up. She and Widow had just returned to their seats after running up to the stage to give Crystal tips, and Gigi couldn’t stop smiling, and Widow could see right through her.

Granted, it wasn’t hard. Gigi could only imagine what she looked like. Starstruck. Crystal had completely entranced her yet again, and it was getting harder and harder to try to cover it up. Crystal ran back to Gigi and Widow, grinning.

“How’d I do?” She asked, trying to catch her breath.

“Absolutely amazing,” Widow said.

“You were fucking radiant, Crystal Elizabeth Methyd,” Gigi giggled, she could feel Widow watching her like she was trying to understand Gigi.

“I know! I just wanted to hear it from you guys,” Crystal said, and then “I’m gonna go to the bathroom to get out of drag, I’ll be right back!”

“Do you need help?” Gigi asked, already standing up, knees wobbling a bit. Shit, maybe Gigi was higher than she thought.

“Not so fast Miss Goode, I want to chat with you a bit,” Widow said, helping Gigi down into her seat. Widow was also crossed, she had bought her and Gigi both a few drinks along with sharing her dab pen. Widow was basically the best.

“Oh-okay,” Crystal said before skipping off to the bathroom. Gigi turned to Widow.

“What did you want to talk about?” she asked, stirring her drink.

“Listen, you’re not fuckin subtle. We all see how you look at Crystal. It’s cute. Jan, Jackie, and Jaida eat that shit up,” Widow started.

“I don’t-”

“Gigi. Don’t even try...” Widow trailed off.

“It’s just a crush,” Gigi whispered, but it sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than Widow. “Besides, she has Paul, so it’s kind of hopeless,” she added. Widow shifted and opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, then closed it. Gigi turned to her, pleading for her to say something, anything.

“Look-” Widow began. “Crystal has been a friend to me for many years, I’d like to say I know her pretty well. And... and I’ve met Paul, and he’s a great fucking guy. He’s funny, he’s kind, he treats Crystal well-”

“Yes, this is comforting,” Gigi deadpanned.

“Let me fucking finish,” Widow laughed. “Because Paul... Paul is just Paul. But Gigi, you are just you. ..”

“And Crystal is just... Crystal ,” Gigi breathed, words slurring. Widow nodded slowly.

“There’s something that lights up in her when she talks about you. Believe me, I sat next to that bitch on the plane, she talked more about you during that plane ride than I’ve ever heard her talk about PAUL,” Widow just shook her head while studying Gigi. “I don’t think she even knows it yet, Gigi. I don’t. But she will. She’s going to watch the show back and she’s going to realize it, believe me.” Gigi’s entire body was buzzing, she couldn’t even hear all the thoughts running through her head, the only thing she could make out was Widow’s words

But she will. But she will. But she will.

Just then, Crystal came back from the bathroom.

“Okay, so Gigi I just had the craziest idea. I checked Google maps and it’s only like a thirty minute walk to the Empire State Building!” Crystal said, grabbing Widow’s dab pen and taking a hit.

“Didn’t we literally just go there for press?” Widow asked, raising an eyebrow. Crystal just rolled her eyes, playfully glaring at Widow.

“Yeah...but it’s nighttime. And the city is like...brighter at night... and-”

“Okay, you don’t really have to defend yourself. Have fun ladies,” Widow shot Gigi a subtle wink. “You hold onto that dab pen. Be careful with it though, it’s Sativa.”

“You’re the fucking best! Is that a shot? I’m taking it,” Crystal said, downing a shot Widow had just ordered. “Here!” Crystal reached in her pocket and gave Widow some loose $1 bills. She grabbed Gigi’s hand and practically pulled her out of the bar. They were instantly greeted by the stinging cold. “It’s fine! Just a little chilly!” Crystal said, hugging herself.

“Yeah, we-we will warm up once we start walking,” Gigi said, instantly regretting leaving her jacket at the hotel. Gigi felt bad for Crystal who only had her thin-ass pink bomber jacket. They began their walk to the Empire State Building, passing Widow’s pen back and forth, hoping to breathe some warmth into them. But it only made things worse, because the higher they got, the slower they walked, and the longer they walked the colder they got. Gigi’s teeth were chattering, so were Crystal’s. They tried to have conversations, just to keep their lips warm, but nothing was helping.

“G-g-Google maps says we’re halfway there...” Crystal shivered, stopping to check her phone.

“It’s... it’s 1:30, we left the bar at one... we’ve been walking for half an hour, and we’re only halfway there,” Gigi whispered. “That means we have another half an hour to go,” Crystal just whimpered and put her head in the crook of Gigi’s neck. It was freezing, so why was Crystal’s face burning?

“I don’t think I can make it, Gigi. Can we... Can we just go back to the hotel? We can order room service or something... it’s so fucking cold,” Crystal giggled. Gigi just laughed. “What?” Crystal muttered, Gigi felt her smiling into her neck. She suddenly wasn’t as cold.

“I was really worried you were gonna make me walk all the way,” Gigi admitted. Crystal playfully nudged her, taking out her phone.

“Okay... so there’s a train station a few minutes away... and if we take the... yellow one... uptown? There’s a stop that’s right next to our hotel. Okay.” Gigi should’ve known better than to trust Crystal with directions, but she was so cold she didn’t even think to question it. They found the subway station pretty easily, and it only took them ten minutes to figure out how to buy tickets. Finally, they found themselves waiting on the platform, hands shoved deep into their pockets. “I’m sorry,” Crystal said. Gigi turned to look at Crystal, who was looking at her feet.

“Why?” Gigi asked.

“This was supposed to be a fun night... we were supposed to see all the lights and... it was supposed to be a fun night.”

If only Crystal knew. If only she knew that all the lights in the city couldn’t match the way she shone. That Gigi wouldn’t be able to rip her eyes off of Crystal for even one second if they did make it to the Empire State Building. That Gigi would much rather look at Crystal than a stupid skyline any day. If only she knew.

“Hey,” Gigi said instead, grabbing Crystal’s hand. “It was a fun night, any night with you is fun.” God, that was cheesy. Gigi realized it as soon as it left her mouth. But Crystal was grinning, and Gigi grinned right back.

The platform was pretty much empty, only a few other stragglers like Gigi and Crystal stood waiting for the subway. Suddenly, the platform started buzzing as the sound of the train slowly grew closer and closer before halting in front of them.

Crystal and Gigi were instantly greeted with a comfortable warmth that wrapped them both up. Their subway cart was empty, and Crystal refused to sit down. She tried to keep her balance, gripping onto the poles to steady herself. Crystal's eyes were red and squinted, her glasses were barely staying on her face, and her curls were wild from the wind, and she was a sight to behold. Gigi felt as her heart did somersaults.

But she will. But she will. But she will...

The subway jolted forward, and Crystal nearly fell. And for some reason, that looked really fun to Gigi. So Gigi stood up, and also nearly fell. They both erupted into giggles, and soon they were holding onto each other for support along with the poles. And then they were dancing? Or at least trying to dance despite constantly trying to trip over themselves, and Gigi didn’t even realize every time the subway stopped. When the occasional person entered their train cart, they both held back their laughter, shooting each other mischievous looks. Their faces were close, and they were both just grinning at each other as if they should’ve known better.

“Next stop, Coney Island,” the intercom said. Now, Gigi didn’t know much about New York, but she was pretty positive Coney Island was in Brooklyn.

“Umm Crystal, give me your phone,” Gigi said. Crystal, who hadn’t connected the dots, lazily handed Gigi her phone, circling the pole. Gigi checked Google Maps, they were heading in the opposite direction of the hotel. She looked at the map in their subway cart, praying that she was wrong. Of course, she wasn't.

“Crystal... Crystal I think we took the wrong train,” Gigi muttered.

“No...no we are heading uptown,” Crystal defended.

“Yeah... no. We are heading downtown. Like, way downtown. Crystal, we're in Brooklyn... that’s basically a different state. We’re going in the opposite direction of the hotel,” Gigi explained slowly. Crystal buried her face in her hands.

“Oh god, what do we do?” Fuck. Crystal was crying. But of course she was, she was crossed and she was... well, she was Crystal. Gigi grabbed Crystal’s hands.

“We’re just going to have to get off at Coney Island, and then we will... I don’t know we’ll figure it out.” And so they got off at Coney Island, and Crystal stopped crying, but she didn’t drop Gigi’s hand. Not even when they were greeted by the nipping cold.

“Wow,” Crystal exhaled, looking out on Coney Island. It was a ghost town. Absolutely nobody was there, which made sense considering it was almost March. The orange streetlights aluminized the streets, allowing only enough light to see. They crossed the street together hesitantly, not exactly sure where they were even heading. They just needed to move, they needed their blood to get pumping. Crystal was shivering, it had somehow gotten colder than before. The only fixture they could see clearly was the Wonder Wheel, so they just started walking towards that. They found a bench and tried to ignore the cold as Crystal tried to figure out what subway they had to get on.

“I’m not a big city girl, I don’t know what I’m doing,” Crystal giggled, desperately trying to shed light on their shitty situation. But Gigi wasn’t even annoyed, because she worshipped these stupid little inconveniences with Crystal.

“Let’s just get an Uber,” Gigi shivered. Crystal cupped Gigi’s hands in her own.

“C’mere,” she whispered, breathing hot air onto Gigi’s hands, then rubbing them together. It was such a random gesture, and Gigi wasn’t sure if Crystal was aware she was even doing it, but Gigi melted.

Crystal rested her head on Gigi’s shoulder as Gigi found an Uber who would be there in a few moments, and Gigi wrapped her arms around Crystal when she started to shiver.

“Hey,” Crystal whispered, burying her head in Gigi’s neck. Gigi hummed in response, eyes feeling heavy. “Nothing tonight went to plan,” Crystal giggled, wrapping her arms around Gigi’s torso.

“No... no it didn’t,” Gigi chuckled.

“But I don’t think it matters all that much,” Crystal yawned. Gigi took out Widow’s dab pen and held it out to Crystal, who accepted it, beaming up at Gigi. And there they sat miles away from their hotel, under the Wonder Wheel at Coney Island, holding onto each other for warmth. And though the bitter air was freezing, Gigi had never felt warmer as the words echoed through her head.

‘But she will. But she will. But she will’

Amsterdam

“You will never guess what I just FINESSED for us,” Crystal sang, walking out onto the balcony, holding something behind her back. She had mysteriously left fifteen minutes ago, claiming she had ‘business’ to attend to.

“What?” Gigi asked, slightly scared. Crystal just mischievously smiled at her, leaning against the balcony. “What?!” Gigi laughed, leaning forward in her seat. She watched as Crystal slowly revealed what she was hiding. Jaida’s car keys. “No FUCKING WAY!” Gigi jumped up, crossing to Crystal.

“YES FUCKING WAY!” Crystal exclaimed, and they both began to cheer, Crystal laughing as Gigi let out a loud whoop. She had missed their drives. “But you have to drive. Jaida said I’m not allowed to,” Crystal added, and Gigi burst out laughing.

“Yeah, I think that’s for the best,” she muttered, and they both dissolved into giggles.

“Let’s go!” Crystal tugged on Gigi’s arm, leading her to her apartment. She immediately started running around the room, trying to collect supplies as Gigi tried not to laugh. “Okay so I have some snacks and drinks we can bring- I hate that everywhere closes so early. And I’m bringing my blanket. Because I want to. Oh and I forgot to tell you! Michelle and I went to this vape shop and we bought a dab pen together!” Crystal tossed Gigi the dab pen, but Gigi refrained from hitting it. She cannot drive high.

“Aww it’s cute. Did you name it?” Gigi asked. She grabbed one of Crystal’s totes and started putting the snacks and drinks in. Crystal was still walking around, opening every drawer and cabinet in her apartment as she found everything they might need.

“Well. I wanted to name it fracking. But I don’t think Michelle liked that, so we decided on Madonna. Well- Michelle decided on Madonna,” Crystal answered, grinning at Gigi. And they both burst out laughing, again. The thing about Crystal Methyd is that her joy is contagious. Gigi could revel in it all day, if the universe would let her.

“Alright, do we have everything?” Gigi looked across the room. She had a tote filled with snacks and bottles of water slung over her shoulder. Crystal had another tote with phone chargers, Madonna, a flashlight, and towels? And of course, her huge white fluffy comforter was balled up in her arms.

“Yup. LET’S GO!” Crystal let out a whoop and yanked the door open. They both flew down the narrow steep stairs, feet pounding. Gigi could’ve sworn she heard Jaida yelling “What in the fuck?!” As they passed her door. And then Gigi was in the driver's seat, watching Crystal shove her blanket in the backseat, getting into the car after. “Alright. Are you ready?” Crystal asked, and they both couldn’t stop smiling.

“I’m ready. Where are we going though? Like- can you get directions?” Gigi watched Crystal take out her phone, opening Google Maps.

“Okay... so I know I can’t be trusted with directions, but this doesn’t look too bad. It’s like... one road?” Crystal trailed off.

“I’m trusting you Miss Methyd,” Gigi gave her a warning look. Crystal just laughed, and started the directions.

“Don’t listen to me, listen to Siri,” she told Gigi. And so they started to drive through Amsterdam, towards their destination.

“Where are we even going?” Gigi asked, getting on the highway.

“Miss Gigi Goode, we are GOING TO THE BEACH!” Crystal cheered, and immediately started blasting “ Starships ” by Nicki Minaj. Gigi let out a groan but had to laugh.

“You’re giving me FLASHBACKS!” She yelled, but of course couldn’t hold back from scream-singing along with Crystal. A part of Gigi wished they were driving during the day. She knew the route was taking them through smaller cities in the Netherlands she still wanted to see, like Haarlem. When Gigi voiced this to Crystal, she just looked at her, confused.

“Harlem? Like New York City?” Crystal asked. Love Story (Taylor’s Version) was playing lightly through the car speakers.

“Haarlem like the Netherlands. There’s... there are other places named Harlem,” Gigi chuckled, and Crystal just shook her head, hitting her dab pen.

“Alright don’t act all smart with me, Miss College dropout,” she muttered under her breath. Gigi gasped, turning to look at Crystal in mock horror.

“Crystal you bitch!” Gigi cried, smacking her in the arm. Crystal just giggled, and Gigi knew that stupid high giggle. Suddenly, “ Sedona ” by Houndmouth started playing, and they both perked up in their seats. “Turn it up TURN IT UP!!” Gigi exclaimed, and Crystal leaned forward, cranking the volume all the way up. Gigi rolled down the windows, and the cool summer breeze wrapped around them, whipping through the car. Gigi could feel the bass of the music pounding in her body. And there was Crystal next to her, hair flying in ten different directions, screaming along to Sedona, a wide grin on her face. And Gigi’s chest burned.

After about 45 minutes of driving, Gigi could smell the ocean. She followed Siri’s directions, pulling into the beach’s parking lot. The whole place was completely empty, not a person in sight. Probably since it was 2 AM on a Monday night.

Once Gigi was parked, she and Crystal immediately jumped out of the car.  “GIVE ME MADONNA!” Gigi said as they ran towards the beach together. She took a long hit, exhaling into the night air. Crystal was ripping off her shoes, and before Gigi could think to stop her, she was in the water, up to her knees. At least she was wearing shorts.

“GIGI COME ON!!” Crystal was jumping up and down, holding out her arms for Gigi to join her. And as she jumped in midair, a wave came crashing down, knocking her into the water. Gigi gasped watching Crystal go under, but as she rose out of the water, mullet soaked covering her face, clothes clinging to her body, all Gigi could do was cackle, doubled over in the sand. “I HATE MY LIFE!” Crystal screamed, crawling towards Gigi. “GIGI I HATE MY LIFE!” Gigi couldn’t tell if she was laughing or crying or both. All she knew was that she’d never let Crystal live this down. “Why is the water so cold? It’s summer,” Crystal’s teeth were chattering, her whole body shaking.

“Poor baby,” Gigi cooed, helping Crystal up on her feet.

“Why is the water so cold?” Crystal whimpered, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Awww. Do you want some cheese?” Gigi pretended to be concerned, combing her fingers through Crystal’s mullet, trying to put it back into place.

“I’m lactose intolerant you know that,” Crystal pouted, and Gigi was fighting so hard not to laugh.

“You want some cheese with that WHINE?” Gigi exclaimed, and then Crystal was chasing her around the beach, shouting obscenities. This didn’t last long of course, they’re not very big runners. So eventually they went back to the car and carried all their supplies back to the beach.

For an hour, Crystal and Gigi laid out on the sand in the dark night air together, just talking about literally anything. Gigi talked about how much she missed Hunter, Marko, Symone, Rosy, and everyone back home. How they had helped Gigi pack for Amsterdam at the last minute, all so excited.

“Amsterdam is my fresh start. That’s what we would call it. Symone promised I would come back as a changed human,” Gigi muttered. Crystal turned on her side, facing her.

“Do you think you’ve changed? Has Amsterdam... been good for you?” Her voice was so small, and fuck Gigi was in too deep. Again.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I feel like... there’s just something in the air here. It makes it easier to breathe. I don’t know,” Gigi was laying on her back, gazing up at the stars.

“Yeah,” Crystal nodded in agreement, still facing Gigi. “I know what you mean. But a part of me feels like... maybe it’s not being in Amsterdam. That makes it easier to breathe. That makes everything better. I think it’s... I don’t know,” she trailed off, but Gigi knew exactly what she meant. She heard it loud and clear. And it terrified her.

“We should probably go,” Gigi whispered, and she was mortified to feel tears welling in her eyes.

“Gigi...” Crystal looked at her, searching. But Gigi ignored her, jumping up and brushing the sand off her body.

“Cmon,” Gigi smiled, hoping Crystal would see that Gigi was fine.

Gigi was fine. Gigi was fine. Gigi was fine.

They silently made their way back to the car. Gigi watched as Crystal put the towel down on her seat, then climbed into the passenger seat, wrapped in her blanket like a burrito. Gigi snorted, and Crystal just playfully glared at her.

“Turn on the heat,” she smiled lightly. Gigi rolled her eyes, utterly failing to hold back a smile as she turned the knob to blast the heat. Then, “ Summer Love ” by the hit world famous iconic legendary boyband One Direction flowed softly out of the speakers, and Gigi hated that her chest used to ache when she would listen to the song and think about Crystal. And how it still did.

Crystal wasn’t looking at Gigi though. She had leaned her head against the window, looking up into the night sky. Gigi glanced up through the sunroof, letting out a soft breath as she saw the stars shining bright. And then her eyes fell back to Crystal, and she was still gazing at the stars, and Gigi felt something rumbling deep in her chest. She couldn’t fight back the soft smile on her face, looking at Crystal fondly. Her eyes turned to meet Gigi’s, and she easily returned the smile. And then Gigi remembered she was driving and looked back on the road.

“What are you thinking about?” Crystal murmured, watching her. And Gigi thought, eyes still trained on the road.

Gigi figured for all the drives she’d gone on with Crystal, all the times they’d sat out on the balcony together until sunrise, Gigi had come to know the night sky by heart. Gigi knew every star, every constellation. She knew Crystal’s soft smile, gazing up at the sky. And sometimes Crystal’s head would turn, and she would look at Gigi, constellations in her eyes. And Gigi swore that the sun and the moon and all the night skies they had seen together, all of the sunrises, the sunsets driving through the mountains, were nothing compared to Crystal Methyd. But she couldn’t know that.

“Nothing,” Gigi responded. “What are you thinking about?”

“I... kinda wanna go to London?” Crystal said sheepishly. Gigi just turned to look at her, wondering what the hell is she up to?

“Like... right... now?” Gigi asked. Crystal let out a laugh, shaking her head.

“No! Like... this weekend? Just Saturday and Sunday. Jaida said we get one weekend off of our choosing. And we can’t use it too close to Pride because we’re gonna be busy,” Crystal explained, and Gigi’s chest was on fire.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.  

“Um... sure,” Gigi shrugged her shoulders. “Let’s do it. We always have fun in the city, don’t we Miss Methyd?” Gigi gave her a sly grin. And maybe she was testing the waters, seeing how far she could go. Just out of curiosity. But maybe Crystal was testing the waters too, because she responded with a wink,

“Oh yes we do. Believe me, I remember.”

New York City

“What if he’s weird?”

“Crystal-”

“I’m just saying, what Uber driver is active at three a.m. in New York City?”

“Elizabeth-”

“What’s his name anyway? Trent? Never trust anyone named Trent-”

“Methyd.”

“Shit, is that him?” Crystal asked. A Buick SUV pulled up then stopped.

“Gigi?” Trent asked, rolling down his window.

“Yup,” Gigi said, pulling open the door to the backseat. She felt Crystal hovering over her shoulder. “It’s fine, Crys.” They both slid into the back of the car, shoulders pressed together.

“Where to?” Trent asked.

“Dream Midtown Hotel, in Uptown Manhattan. Wherever that… is...” Gigi trailed off. Trent nodded before driving off. Thankfully, he didn’t ask any questions on how exactly they ended up at Coney Island. And thankfully Trent showed up when he did because after about five minutes of driving it began to pour. While driving, Trent picked up a phone call, suddenly oblivious to Crystal and Gigi. The wails of sirens harmonized with a blaring car horn. Gigi leaned into Crystal.

“I hate New York,” she said. Crystal, who was staring out the window, whipped around to face Gigi.

“Really?” Crystal asked softly. Gigi nodded. Crystal turned back to the window, propping her head upon her hand. “Must be because you live in a big city. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many lights before.”

Gigi hated New York. She did. But she loved the way the city reflected in Crystal’s eyes. Flashes of blue, red, orange, purple, green, and white flickered throughout the car. And though being driven through the city at 3 am by a sketchy man was the last thing Gigi wanted to do, Crystal made it worth it. Because Crystal made everything worth it.

“Where do you like? If not New York?” Crystal whispered, looking tired. Gigi smiled.

“Well, L.A. obviously. But Chicago.” Crystal was silent, eyes pleading for Gigi to say more. “Uhm, my friends and I on the weekends would make up these elaborate lies to tell our parents and then take the bus or train into Chicago. We were all sixteen, and there was this one drag bar that allowed us to go in and we would just spend the night watching these queens perform and...” Gigi realized Crystal was staring at her, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed. “And it’s so dumb to say now... but I just fucking fell in love with Chicago,” Gigi finished.

“That’s where we’ll go next,” Crystal said simply.

“What?”

“Next time we see each other after New York, we’ll go to Chicago. I’m dying to meet Krysti anyway,” Crystal laughed. Gigi beamed.

“Seriously?” she chuckled. Crystal grabbed Gigi’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze.

“Of course.” Gigi realized how close they had gotten, their noses practically touching. Trent turned up the radio. “ New York ” by St. Vincent flowed softly through the car.

“New York isn’t New York without you love,”

Crystal hadn’t let go of her hand. She inhaled quickly as if she were about to say something, but stopped. Gigi watched as the gears in Crystal’s mind began to shift.

“Is-” Crystal started, “is it bad I’m happy Paul isn’t here?” she confessed, and then “I don’t think I could see you both in the same room, it just wouldn’t make sense to me.” Gigi’s heart skipped a beat, not sure if this was Crystal begging her to read in between the lines or if this was Gigi’s wishful thinking. Either way, she ran her thumb across Crystal’s hand.  

“Is it bad I’m also happy Paul isn’t here?” Gigi didn’t mean for it to sound like she was telling a secret, but it did. Crystal’s eyes flickered down to Gigi’s lips, only for a second, but it was enough to send chills down Gigi’s body. She mirrored Crystal, her heart pounding in sync with the sound of rain falling on the metal roof of the car. It was Crystal who finally closed the space between them. It was barely a kiss, their lips catching each other for just a moment. But god, it was electric. Lightning struck.

“Looks like it’s about to be the perfect storm,” Trent said to whoever he was talking to on the phone. Gigi and Crystal both let out awkward chuckles. It was dark, and Gigi could barely even see Crystal but she knew she was smiling, and Gigi hoped Crystal knew that she was smiling too.

The car stopped before either of them had a chance to speak, though Gigi couldn’t even fathom what she could possibly say to Crystal. They both just got out of the car, thanking Trent quickly. When they got in the elevator, Crystal pressed the button for floor six instead of their floor, floor eight. Gigi cleared her throat.

“Floor six?” Gigi asked.

“Thought I’d just say goodnight to Widow before I head to bed,” Crystal said, a hint of panic in her voice.

“Do you want to talk about- uhh-like- what just happened?” Gigi asked.

“It was just a kiss,” Crystal said, but it sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than Gigi. “Just like on the party bus, right?”

“You kissed me” is what Gigi wanted to say. “You kissed me and you’re saying it was a joke, that it meant nothing, but I can’t believe you, I can’t bear to try. I saw the glimmer in your eye, the slight upturn of the corner of your mouth as we slowly filled the space between us. I felt your heart beating. I felt you.”  

“Yeah,” Gigi said instead. “Just like on the party bus.”

“Great. I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Crystal whispered as the doors opened on floor six.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow, goodnight.”

“Night.” Crystal stepped out of the elevator and walked away, not looking back as Gigi desperately pressed the button to make the door closed. Gigi sunk onto the floor of the elevator, bunching her hair in her fists. No matter how hard she tried that night, she couldn’t get her lips to stop buzzing. Just wait until Hunter hears about this one.

Amsterdam

“Okay. Now don’t go around doing your British accents because people will get offended,” Michelle said.

“Or do! The British might be honored!” Jaida quipped.

“No. Your accents are terrible, they will not be honored.”

“I don’t know Michelle... I think our accents are rather good,” Crystal said in her god awful British accent.

“Yeah, I think they’re pretty on the nose,” Gigi agreed in her accent, which was only slightly less worse.

“You guys are gonna get canceled...” Michelle muttered.

“Let the 15 year olds on Twitter cancel you, they can’t even read yet,” Jaida said, and then “well, this is where y’all board!” Crystal and Gigi stood at the entrance of the train that would take them to London. Michelle pulled them both into big hugs.

“Be safe, ladies. Don’t do what I would do.” Gigi and Crystal both laughed.

“Don’t listen to her! Have fun, fuck up some crumpets for me,” Jaida laughed. Gigi looked at Jaida and Michelle, who both were looking at them with puppy dog eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Gigi asked.

“We’re just gonna miss you,” Michelle said softly.

“And we wake and baked this morning. You know weed makes me all teary eyed,” Jaida sniffled. Crystal and Gigi threw their heads back laughing in unison. Jaida pulled Gigi into a hug. “I’ll never get over it... seeing you two happy, together again,” Jaida whispered.

“Jaida...” Gigi trailed off.

“I know, I know it’s all behind you but... we were scared for a minute.” Gigi gave Jaida a final squeeze.

“We’ll see you guys in a few days!” Gigi said as she and Crystal stepped onto the train.

“Goodbye darlings!” Jaida and Michelle waved them off. Crystal and Gigi silently found their compartment and settled in next to each other.

“This is gonna be the best weekend of our life!” Crystal cheered. “Even better than Drive n’ Drag!” Gigi heard Crystal not say. They booked a train for early in the morning so they’d make it into London by afternoon.

“Are you nervous about the tunnel?” Gigi asked.

“No...” Crystal lied.

“It’ll be fine, I promise,” Gigi said. She grabbed Crystal’s hand without even thinking, like she had just turned on autopilot. And Crystal, also on autopilot, rested her head on Gigi’s shoulder. And it felt like old times. It felt like home.

Just then, they entered the underwater tunnel, so Gigi turned on the playlist. “You okay?” she asked. But Crystal was asleep on Gigi’s shoulder. And all Gigi could do was think about where she was a year before. Preparing looks for Drive N’ Drag, late nights with Rosy and Symone coming up with possible scenarios that could happen, feeling so full of hope. And Gigi ignored the pit in her stomach because she was full of that same, blind hope just now.

New York City

Gigi laid awake all night, replaying the kiss over and over in her head. It was so quick, so soft, barely there. Had she imagined it? No. Because she remembered Crystal’s panicked eyes in the elevator, getting off on Widow’s floor. She remembered Crystal saying “It was just a kiss,” like it meant nothing. But she also remembered seeing Crystal’s face in the Uber, her smile illuminating the city.

Because she kissed Gigi.

But Crystal claimed it meant nothing. It was like the party bus. So what could Gigi do about it?

‘Go home and cry about it to Rosy and Symone.’

That was the only thing she could do. So Gigi forced herself to fall asleep, but even in sleep, she just saw flashes of Crystal on the subway, Crystal at the bar, Crystal getting off the elevator, Crystal in the Uber, Crystal sitting under the Coney Island wheel, Crystal in the Uber, Crystal’s face pressed into Gigi’s neck, burning hot.

 Crystal in the Uber, Crystal in the Uber, Crystal in the Uber.

Crystal kissing Gigi. Crystal kissing Gigi.  

Gigi kissing her back.

Gigi was jolted awake by her alarm, and let out a groan as she realized the van coming to bring the Queens to the airport would be there in an hour, and her room was an absolute mess. She scrambled out of bed, rushing to pack everything up. She didn’t even have a moment to think about Crystal until she was sitting next to her in the back of the van, being driven to the airport.

“Hi,” Crystal gave Gigi a tight smile, not meeting her eyes.

“Hello,” Gigi said casually.  

Please act normal. We’re about to say goodbye for who knows how long. Please act normal.

It seemed that Crystal got the message, because she immediately relaxed, and suddenly it was like nothing had even happened last night. Almost. Because they weren’t pressed up against each other, their foreheads weren’t barely touching, whispering nonsense back and forth. Crystal kept her distance.

It sort of felt like she was already back in Missouri, just out of reach.

But still, they talked with the other queens driving to the airport, and as each minute passed, Gigi became painfully aware of the fact that she didn’t know the next time she’d see Crystal. Of course, they would make plans eventually. Gigi was due to visit Crystal in Springfield, maybe for one of her viewing parties. And of course, Crystal said they would go to Chicago. But when? They would both have such crazy schedules once the show aired. But looking at Crystal laughing at something Widow said, Gigi knew they would be alright. Widow said Gigi just needed to give Crystal time. She could do that. She had waited this long, she could wait a little longer. Crystal was worth it.

The van pulled up to the airport, and Gigi followed everyone out. As the driver unloaded all the suitcases, Gigi turned to face Crystal. She was just looking at Gigi, tears in her eyes.

“Not yet, holy shit,” Gigi laughed, and Crystal had to join, shaking her head.

“Shut up,” she chuckled, punching Gigi’s shoulder lightly. They walked into the airport together, suitcases in trail. Once they made it through security, the queens all hugged each other goodbye. The next time they’d all be together was at the finale in April. Gigi wondered if things would be different with Crystal by the time they’d get to see each other at the finale. Maybe they would actually be together. Or maybe they would still be stuck in this weird limbo, unsure of what they were anymore. Only time would tell.

Gigi’s flight was boarding in fifteen minutes, and Crystal’s was boarding an hour later. So Crystal walked Gigi to her gate, and neither of them were sure what to say to the other.

What do you even say?

“I’ll uh... text you. When my flight lands,” Crystal said awkwardly, looking anywhere but Gigi.

“Okay,” Gigi said lightly. She had to say something. This was the last time they were seeing each other until... well at least until April. But so many things had happened in the three days they’d spent together...

What do you even say?

“Crystal I... I don’t know,” Gigi whispered. Crystal’s eyes met hers, and Gigi could feel her saying a million things. Gigi knew how confused she was, how scared she was. She understood. Crystal needed time. So Gigi did the one thing she knew and pulled Crystal into a tight hug. She didn’t whisper sweet nothings, she didn’t cry, she just held Crystal as tight as possible, for as long as she could. And Crystal held back just as tight, burying her face in Gigi’s neck.

Gigi didn’t know how long they stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, oblivious to everyone else. And then her flight was called. “Alright,” She whispered, pulling away from Crystal. “I’ll see you soon,” she tried to smile, but it was a grimace, and fuck now Crystal’s eyes were welling with tears again, and Gigi had to go, but Crystal was standing there, gaping like a fish, trying to find the right words to say.

“Gigi...” she started, but nothing came out.

“I know,” Gigi said firmly. She pulled Crystal into another quick hug. “I will see you soon,” she smiled at Crystal, and Crystal smiled back through her tears.

“I’ll see you soon,” she whispered, and then Gigi was walking to her plane.

In the months to come, Gigi would look back on this moment, playing it over and over in her head. Because in three weeks, the whole world would be on lockdown, in the middle of a raging pandemic. Crystal, Gigi, and everyone else would be stuck at home, told not to travel, not to see their friends and family, to flatten the curve. They wouldn’t see each other at the finale, which instead was held on Zoom. Gigi wouldn’t get to visit Crystal in Springfield, getting to meet her friends and family.

No.

Instead, Gigi would lay in bed at night, wishing she had said something, anything to Crystal. Wishing that the last time they saw each other for who knows how long hadn’t been spent in silence, neither of them knowing what to say. Gigi wished she had been braver, that Crystal had known what she wanted. Gigi wished the universe hadn’t decided to come crashing down just when things were maybe finally going to happen with Crystal. But more than anything, Gigi wished she could’ve had just one more night with Crystal in New York. Gigi wished they had more time.

[katefiction]

Ten (short story)

by katefiction (Maria), 16th November 2020

Hi guys,

A managed to wrangle me into writing this. I haven’t written for William and Kate in over 6 years, so I’m a bit rusty. But I had an hour to kill and this is what came out. I’m not sure if I’ll regret this later but I didn’t leave this fandom on a high note and I kind of wanted to say thank you and put it all to bed.

Happy 10 years to all of you.

Love, Maria X

November 16 2020

I open the window, letting in the cold air. The November sky is grey, and a bird swoops over the house and disappears somewhere up in the clouds. 

The house is silent, a stark difference from this an hour ago when three children were screaming. Lunchboxes being stuffed into bags, shoes being shoved on, my husband frantically looking for his face mask. It was all part of my daily life these days.

I go around each of the bedrooms, opening the windows. I have to do it each morning to let the house breathe. William hates it, so this morning I waited for him to leave with the children before opening them all. Today, Louis wanted to go along for the ride, so I’m left alone. A rare moment that I’ve learnt to cherish over the past seven years.

I walk downstairs and make myself some tea and marmalade on toast, enjoying the luxury of not having Louis’ little hands trying to steal it. Switching on the TV, I turn the channel to BBC Breakfast to catch up with the news. It’s all COVID and more COVID this morning. 

I was told there was a story about William and me in the papers yesterday. The 500th retelling of our relationship. It was a regular occurrence that I was just about used to, but part of me still found it all quite bizarre. At least there was a reason behind it this time. They were celebrating something that happened 10 years ago today.

November 16 2010

I woke up in a sweat, having barely slept the night before. Today was the day. 

‘Are you ok?’ Will said groggily beside me.

‘Fine. Why?’ 

‘You’re breathing really hard, it’s like you’ve just run 10k’

‘Oh, I was having a bad dream’ I said, slowing down my breathing. 

He turned over placing his arm over me as I stared up at the ceiling. ‘What about?’

‘Well...we walked out in front of the cameras and suddenly my dress went see through. They just kept taking their photos. Then all of a sudden my dress was gone totally’

‘I wouldn’t mind that’ he smirked.

‘It’s not funny, what if I say something stupid? Or I trip over?’ I cringe at the thought of it.

‘That’s what I’m here for’ he said, pulling me into a hug. ‘Just be yourself’.

2020

William and Louis storm into the kitchen like a tornado, pulling me out of my memory.

Louis is screaming and Will looks a mixture of exhausted, annoyed and tired. 

‘What happened poppet?’ I say, scooping him up. 

‘He didn’t want the snack we took in the car, even though that’s the one he asked for before we left’ William answers. ‘He wants “the other one”, whatever that is’.

‘I want that one’ Louis says, pointing at my toast. There goes my breakfast then.

I set Louis down and hand him my toast while Will goes up the stairs. 

‘It’s so cold up here!’ he calls from the landing. ‘Do you have to open ALL the windows?!’

I sigh. And there goes my peace and quiet too. 

2010

‘Are you sure this dress is ok? It’s not too low cut?’ I asked, looking in the mirror.

The news was out and my phone was going crazy in the corner with calls and texts from people we couldn’t tell before today. Keeping my engagement a secret wasn’t something I ever thought I’d have to do.

‘It’s perfect’ Will said. ‘Matches perfectly with the ring’.

I twizzle it around my finger nervously. This was a huge thing, wearing this ring. It meant I would be compared to my late mother in law for the rest of my life. But more so, it meant Will trusted me implicitly. 

‘I just hope I don’t let you down’ I said, smoothing down my skirt nervously. How could I ever even begin to compare to the last woman who wore this ring?

Will appeared behind me, ‘you’ve never let me down and there’s no reason you would now’

Before I could say anything, there was a knock at the door.

‘Sir, Miss...are you ready?’

2020

‘Kate?’

‘Huh?’ I said absently.

‘I said are you ready?’ Will asked. ‘The kids have their coats on’.

‘Oh yeh, let’s go’, I jumped up from the sofa and pulled on my coat and wellies.

The children were back from school, and as I often did, I’d decided it was a good day for a walk around the grounds. The second lockdown hadn’t been as intense as the first, but I still craved being outside more than usual.

As the kids ran ahead of us, William and I walked in stride together and he stuck out his arm for me to link into his.

‘What’s been on your mind today?’ he asked. ‘You’ve had your head in the clouds all day’

‘Oh just thinking about stuff’ I said evasively.

‘What kind of stuff?’ he prodded. 

‘It’s ten years since we announced our engagement, I was just thinking about that day, how terrified and young I was’.

William smiles in the way he always does when he’s about to tease me, ‘remember how your hands were shaking when Arthur was photographing the ring?’

‘I was scared, ok!’ I say, whacking him on the arm.

‘You did amazingly, I was so proud of you that day’, he said softly.

I leant my head against his shoulder as we walked. ‘Do you ever wish we could go back? To that morning I mean, when we were just a normal couple with no other responsibilities’

‘Is this because Louis stole your toast this morning?’ he laughed. 

‘The world is just so much louder now. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells for ten years. Trying to be the perfect wife, the perfect royal, the perfect mum.’ I blurt it all out before I’m too afraid to say it. ‘I love the kids and I wouldn’t change this life for anything, but sometimes I just miss the days when it was you and me, and no ring on my finger. It’s kind of like I got engaged to the whole country that day’.

‘They wish!’ Will says. ‘You’re allowed to feel like that without feeling guilty you know?’

‘I know’ I sigh. ‘I just…’

‘You just wish you were back there, before you had all of us to worry about’. William always knew how to finish my sentences.

I watched the children running, screaming as they chased each other, huge grins on their faces.

Charlotte runs up to me, holding something in her hand ‘I found a worm!’ she beams.

‘Well done princess!’ Will says bending down to look at it.

I think back to the woman I was ten years ago, walking into that room full of lights. Sweaty palms and scared to put a foot wrong, I had no idea of what was to come. 

But as I look at my family today, I know that I’d never go back, not really. I have everything I need right here.

2010

I gave my dress one more smoothing down, along with my hair.

There was a faint chatter in the room next door. William and I were being told who’s in there. Most of the names I’d never heard of, but would come to know. 

I take a deep breath and Will looks over to me.

‘I’m here’ he says. ‘We’re in this together’.

I smile and the doors open. William leads me into the room.

Before me is a wall of faces and cameras. A sight I will get used to seeing over the next decade. 

And like blinding stars, the flashes begin.

The end.

[samanthalendo]

Why I Almost Went To UT Austin; And Why I Didn’t

(As a preface: I will be speaking mainly in vague details about my personal life and the college I ended up choosing. This is for my own privacy and comfort. In addition, I am not bashing the UT system or anyone who choose to go there; I have loved ones going there very soon, and I have a lot admiration for the school and all the opportunities it can afford someone. However, these are the reasons I will not be attending and some reasons any school might miss out on students they might have otherwise garnered. As well, all photos are mine unless otherwise stated. Enjoy!)

Let me set the scene.

Choosing a college is hard. It’s freakin hard. It’s even more difficult in the middle of a global pandemic. You can’t actually go anywhere, can’t take tours or go to fairs or get a feel for the city you want to call home. I struggled a lot with really connecting to any of the schools I was interested in. Lots of apathy towards the whole process. Despite all this, I had one school I had been interested in since the end of sophomore year, and I thought that was the only place I wanted to go. 

The University of Texas at Austin appealed to me for a few different reasons. In no particular order:

It was close to family.

I have tons, and I mean tons of family in Texas. This would have put me significantly closer to them and meant I had a support system when going to college. Making sure I would have a nice warm dinner and bath to escape to on crappy days seems pretty nice during global pandemics! Notably, however, it was not close to my immediate family. 

It was in a big city. 

Looking back I can laugh at myself and the idea I had for my college experience. At the time I was much more focused on the social and Instagramable side of the school I chose. Any time my parents suggested a school, the first thing I did was look for photos of it. If it didn’t have the feel I was looking for (young, new, hip, growing) I seldom looked further. 

Austin was exactly what I was looking for. A city with a 32.4% growth rate in the last decade (1), it screamed new and exciting. I wanted to be apart of that vibe during college, especially when I thought my boyfriend and I would be going to the same place (we are still happily together and just going to different schools, btw). Anything less didn’t seem worth it or fun enough. 

It’s a high ranking journalism school. 

Rankings are subjective so it absolutely depends on where you look, but UT Austin consistently ranks within the top ten journalism schools in the nation, which is incredible. I’ve wanted to study journalism since about sophomore year and I was so excited that on top of the aforementioned attributes, this would be a reputable place to study and get a degree from. Truth be told, I didn’t do nearly any research into the actual programs, opportunities, or benefits UTA offered, #foreshadowing.

UTA was the first school I applied to, and as such it established my expectations for how applying to a big name school would work. Let me just say it, the application process sucked. I ended up writing two full-length essays, only one of which I used and extensively edited, and at least five different short answer paragraphs. I believe I also had to submit a resume when I applied for the Journalism Honors program, though that was additional. It was intense, and quite honestly didn’t seem worth it. Up until this point I was pretty much riding the wave of, “Yeah, UT Austin, that’s a school people will respond positively to when they ask where I’m going.” As aforementioned, I hadn’t done any in-depth research into what programs UT had to offer me, but from what little looking I had done, nothing was jumping out at me. With nothing spectacular being shown to me on a silver platter, enticing me to #golonghorns, the arduous application process felt taxing and stressful. 

(A little side note on writing college essays: do not force yourself to write about something that doesn’t feel genuine to you. I don’t care if you think you have something that they’re bound to notice or admire; if you’re not passionate about it, you won’t get anywhere. As mentioned, I wrote two different essays when applying to UT. In my first essay, I wrote about leadership experiences in high school and how they shaped me. Important? Yes. Influential for me? Absolutely. But nothing I’m ready to rave about to anyone who walks through the door. That essay felt fake and artificial. I knew I didn’t like it or want it to represent me. So, I sat down and started writing about a situation that happened over the summer at my high school, one that really ground my gears. I couldn’t stop talking about how upset I was. I wrote all about the experience and how it made me want to be a better journalist and to always help to portray the truth. If anyone would like to know more about that story, let me know. The point is, I was passionate about the topic and it made it much easier to write believably. I didn’t just need this piece to represent me, I wanted it to represent me. I wanted the application readers to understand my frustration and feel all the emotions I felt in those moments. Pick something you feel that way about.)

I’m not going to BS and say that the application process will be fun if the school you’re applying to is the right one for you. All I’m saying is it should feel worth it, like all this hard work and effort is really going to culminate into your dream school. I definitely didn’t feel that with UTA, which was one of my first red flags. I felt very disconnected from the school, like I was just another fish in the pond of out of state applicants, hoping they’d like my bright colors over the next. 

A little background: I am, for the purposes of Texas schools, an out-of-state applicant. I don’t have residency in TX and I didn’t go to a public high school in TX, and this contributes heavily to UTA admissions. I’ll link a great article going further in-depth on the admissions numbers and percentages, but due to the advantages granted to TX resident applicants, approximately only 9% of UTA students are out of state (2). That number is so low because TX students in the top 6% of their graduating class, no matter their test scores, are automatically accepted. This means that on top of great grades, out-of-state applicants for UTA have ACT scores that are between 3-5 points higher and SAT scores that are about 150 points higher than their average TX counterpart. 

If you aren’t stressed out just reading that, teach me your ways because I was sure was.

This was sort of where the perceived animosity started between myself and UTA. I constantly checked my email and mailbox, hoping to get a letter or promotional email or something to indicate they were interested in me as a student. Seldom did they ever come. I got hundreds of emails from other schools and received nearly as much snail mail, but hardly ever from UT, even after I asked to receive their newsletters and an informational packet (which never came, BTW). 

I quickly came to realize that all of this was likely due to the fact that I was so far away, out of the UT sphere of control or influence. Most of the emails I received were from schools in my neighboring states or in my state, closer with a higher likelihood of recruiting me. A school in TX, where I did not study or hold residency, would not seek me out.

Here’s my issue. They didn’t have to seek me out. That’s fine, whatever, makes sense. But I sought them out. I signed up for everything. I filled out their long application, sent it in early. I tried to tour the school in the throws of COVID, having to settle for a self-paced walk about an empty campus to satisfy my need to know more about this school, to learn more about what it could offer me. None of my efforts proved fruitful, and it didn’t feel like the school really wanted me there. I wondered whether this was really where I wanted to be. 

By mid-November, while I wouldn’t have called myself discouraged, I would definitely have identified with the word antsy. When I sent in my application in September, they notified me that I would get my answer sometime in January or February. I can’t even explain how far away that felt. Especially being out of state, I wanted to know their decision as quickly as possible. The wait felt like an eternity.

My dad has always stressed the importance of not putting all your eggs in one basket. While I had shot my shot with UT and was waiting for the scoreboard to change, he was still exploring other options I had in the world of journalism schools. Without me knowing or really agreeing, he scheduled a tour with a school about two hours away from where we lived. It would be on a Saturday, just the two of us, and we’d make a day trip out of it. Honestly, I was more excited for the trip than the school itself. It had always been one I had turned my nose up at; to be fair, I did that with almost any school that wasn’t UT. 

We were about five minutes late to the opening presentation at the school. Quickly shuffling into the only seats we saw, some in the very front row of the socially distanced conference hall, we settled in for a lot of new information  coming our way. Though he had planned it, my dad didn’t know that much about the school either. We were both skeptical, a bit frazzled, and tired from having woken up around five o’clock that morning.

But with every slide, every question, every time the presenter opened her mouth, we were drawn further in.

It wasn’t just the feel of the school, or the location, or the looks. The facts didn’t lie. I won’t share too many so as to keep at least some privacy, but to say this school was my diamond in the rough wouldn’t be too much of an overstatement. Despite that, throughout the day and our two guided tours, I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, keeping me from getting too excited about this new school. I couldn’t help but think about UT and all of the emotional commitment I had already made to it. How excited my family was that I was hoping to go there, how happy my grandmother was that I would be closer to her. I thought of the teachers I had complained to about the long essays, the people who had edited those essays for me. I thought about the burnt orange hoodie sitting in my closet, towards the front due to how often I wore it. 

The new school won over both my heart and my head. While I really felt at home there, I also would have to have been dead to overlook all of the opportunities it could afford me. I was close to my immediate family and the town I had gone to high school in. I could come home often, visit family and friends more frequently than if I moved states away. Everything seemed right.

In between our tours, due to the nagging I was feeling, I tried to schedule a tour with UTA, to at least give it a fighting chance. I figured, had I not had an in-person tour of this new school, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Maybe a real tour would make me fall in love with UT again. However, when I tried to schedule one, all of the tours for the rest of the semester were completely booked, and the calendar wasn’t yet available for the spring semester. I immediately called to find out more, only to be told that they weren’t sure the state of in-person tours upon return to campus after holidays due to COVID. Looking back, I know it was a sign. UT had, for all intents and purposes, closed its doors on me. It was time I accepted the willing arms of the school I gazed upon with wonder, truly in limbo as to what might happen next. 

By the end of December, I was admitted and had committed to the new school. I wouldn’t find out about UT for another month, but honestly, I didn’t really need to. This new school had everything I could ever want, and UT had a fair amount of drawbacks. I didn’t and still don’t feel any remorse for committing without having known UT’s decision on me. 

I received an email January 29th, over a month after having committed to the new school, that I needed to check my UT MyStatus page. I never really worried about getting in due to my test scores and grades, but I felt a level of anger towards the school that I thought I had gotten over, and finding out I had gotten in after all would bring up new emotions. I checked the page, and sure enough I had been admitted to the University of Texas at Austin’s class of 2025. I wasn’t elated or jumping up and down with joy or breaking down happy crying in my parent’s arms. I was pretty stoic, thinking about all that could have been had I felt any more like UT really wanted me. 

(3)

All things happen for a reason. Because I didn’t feel much reciprocation in my love for UT, I instead found the school of my dreams, one that I know I’ll be much happier at. I wouldn’t change any of my decisions, except maybe stressing over the essays as much as I did. 

My final thoughts would have to be this: I don’t blame the UT system for not focusing as much on its out-of-state applicants. I mean, I do, but I understand that it’s often simply not in their best interest. I do think that they should have reached out, sent more newsletters, have actually sent me the information packet I requested, anything to make me feel more connected with this place I was dying to call home. While I know they aren’t very focused on bringing in students from other states, I think they should be, especially for those that are going the extra mile to reach out to them. 

The right school will have a lot of different things for every different person. For me, that meant being close to my immediate family, knowing I would have all of the opportunities I wanted, being financially secure, and feeling like the school wanted me, not just the other way around. UT didn’t provide me all of that. Finding the school that will is the most important thing. Your needs and wants may be different, but don’t toss all of your eggs in one basket. Don’t be afraid to change your mind and always keep looking for something better. For all you know, it may be out there.

(Thank you so much for reading! Links are below. This is just meant to be an opinion piece and is the first thing I’ve written for myself in a very long time. I hope you learned something and that this may be helpful on your college journey! Au revoir!)

1. https://www.austinchamber.com/economic-development/austin-profile/population/overview

2. https://magoosh.com/hs/college-admissions/ut-austin-admissions-the-sat-act-scores-and-gpa-you-need-to-get-in/ 

3. https://news.utexas.edu/2020/09/22/four-year-graduation-rate-tops-70-as-ut-austin-admits-one-of-its-largest-first-year-classes/ 

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

[authenticcadence18]

30 Questions About Me

THANKS FOR THE TAG @bugaboo-n-bananoir ILY!!!!

(Nick)name: Cadence

gender: cis female

Star sign: Pisces

Height: uhhhhh I am not sure, it’s taller than 5ft at least

Time: night! (Well I wrote most of this last night, but now it’s the evening of the next day!)

Birthday: well I’m a Pisces, so my birthday is between Feb 19th and march 20th!

Fave band/group: Pentatonix! Or For King and Country. Or the piano guys, the vitamin string quartet, Voctave.....also Phineas and the Ferbtones👌

Fave solo artists: I really like Lauren Daigle, and Jackie Evancho used to be my FAVE. Aaand idk if this counts but Michael Giacchino! love his scores, especially the score for Inside Out. There’s also this guy called Clay Kramer on YouTube who makes KK Slider covers of popular music, his stuff gives me so much seratonin😅

Song Stuck in my Head: Well I’m listening to music rn and “I’m Me” from Phineas and Ferb is on so I’ll say that! (I’ll revisit this one when I finish the list and update it with whatever song i’m listening to/is stuck in my head then) (ok the music has since been turned off and now I have “Status Quo” from High School Musical stuck in my head so! There ya go!) (now it is the next day, and I’ve got “when the party’s over” stuck in my head...i think these three songs are an accurate reflection of my taste in music🤣)

Last Movie: uhhhhh oh yeah, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice! It was SO GREAT because Jay Baruchel plays the main character (and the main character is super awkward), so I felt like I was watching Hiccup from the How To Train Your Dragon franchise learn magic and it was GLORIOUS. And also Nicholas Cage is great. And I liked the love interest in the movie as well!! She had a role to play in the story and felt authentic and genuine, which I appreciated!

Last Show: ok well the last show I watched by myself was Phineas and Ferb! Specifically, the episode with the Mardi Gras block party and then the one where Candace and Stacy compete in an obstacle course against Isabella and Ginger (omg wAIT ginger and Stacy are sisters and Isabella and Candace are GOING to be sisters mY HEART I—AH🥺). I hadn’t watched those episodes in forever, so they were really fun to revisit! I think the last actual show I watched was Kids Baking Championship or something, lol. (Those kids are AMAZING. So skilled!)

When i created this blog: November 2019! It was riiiight after the season 3 finale of miraculous aired and absolutely wrecked my emotions. I had some fanfic written that I’d never posted and had been thinking about making a tumblr/ao3 for awhile, and seeing the finale made me finally go, “.....you know what, yeah. The finale is aired, no more spoilers.....it’s time to make a blog.” So I did! And I posted my first fic! And I’m so happy i did :)

What Do I Post: a bunch of multi fandom stuff XD. This blog started off as 90% Miraculous, 10% other fandoms I like...but now it’s just kind of a hodgepoge of my favorite fandoms (with a focus on Phineas and Ferb, lol). I reblog a lot of posts, and then I post original stuff too! I write fanfic, nowadays for Phineas and Ferb but for Miraculous in the past (and probably in the future!), I draw art (mostly Phinabella art because I’ve been drawing them since i was 11 and it feels good to return to my roots), and OCCASIONALLY I will write an analysis post (I’ve got one in the works rn actually 👀), attempt to make a meme, or dip my toe into salt just SLIGHTLY before quickly backing away, lol. If I were to list the fandoms I post about in the order of how frequently I post about them, I’d probably say: Phineas and Ferb, Miraculous....and thennnnn everything else is pretty random and depends on the day, lol.

Last thing i googled: Jay Baruchel 😂. Couldn’t remember how to spell his last name!

Other blogs: this is my only blog! Sometimes I think about making a separate blog for my art and writing, but I am not sure if I should or not....maybe I will someday, but idk. I also have an AO3 for fanfic and an Instagram for art! All are under the name “authenticcadence18.”

Do I get asks: sometimes, yeah!! Sometimes I reblog ask games/prompts and get some asks for those (I’ve got so many prompts in my inbox I want to write/draw things for...ah it’s fine, I’ll get to it eventually😅), and sometimes lovely people will leave thoughts or nice messages in my inbox🥺💕. I’ve got a specific tag for all those nice messages so I can read back over them whenever I need a boost!

Why this url: it’s a music pun! When a song/section of a piece of music ends with a dominant chord resolving to a tonic chord (if you’ve read a certain fic of mine you should know allll about dominant and tonic chords👀🤣), it’s called an authentic cadence! There are different kinds of cadences, and authentic ones are my favorite. One example of this is “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” I also use this blog to be my authentic, fandom-loving self! So I like authentic cadences, and also, I’m Cadence and using this blog to be authentic! Woo! (And 18 is just my favorite number, lol) I’m glad I ended up choosing a name that doesn’t tie to a specific fandom becaaaaaause this ended up being a multi fandom blog!

Following: 232!!

Followers: 292!!! (THANKS SO MUCH Y’ALL ILY 💕)

Average amount of sleep: wellllll for the past week and a half I was sick so I was probably getting 9ish hours a night (because I would sleep in really late, lol). but NOW? In my immediate future? I suspect my average amount of sleep is going to go down because I’m really bad about staying up late even when I have to get up early😅. Hoping to be good about getting at least 7ish hours a night!

Lucky number: 18! But y’all probably already guessed that, lol.

Instruments: my voice, piano, ukulele, viola (but it’s been a HOT minute), aaaand i used to be able to play guitar but then I got a ukulele and forgot all the guitar chords. (I also dabble in songwriting! I primarily use voice and piano when writing music.)

What I’m wearing: my favorite sweatshirt (that was last night, rn I have on a tanktop), some leggings, and socks!

Dream job: I’m currently learning to be a teacher, and I LOVE teaching and working with kids so that is definitely a job I’m really excited about!!! I would also love to portray characters at Disney or something (well, maybe not at Disney because I hear they’re strict, but like....I want to be Rapunzel or Anna or something, that would be so fun). OR, I would LOVE to work in tv animation somehow, be it voice acting, writing scripts/music, and/or story boarding. basically if I could do what Dan and Swampy did for Phineas and Ferb/Milo Murphy’s Law, I would LOVE THAT. (Especially the writing music part. Getting to write music for established characters and get PAID for it would be SO COOL.!.!.!) Also I think it would be so fun to write Disney storybooks! Like, those books that are about Cinderella baking a cake or Ariel befriending a seahorse, stuff like that. Those brought me a ton of joy as a child!

Dream trip: I want to visit alllll the Disney parks someday😅. (Not right now because, ya know, Covid...but someday!)

Fave food: uhhh i really like pizza. And popcorn. Also hummus and guacamole!

nationality: American

Fave songs: “Times” by Tenth Avenue North; “Can’t Help Falling in Love” (I made an entire playlist of just this song when I first started writing my fic of the same name, so I like the original and a ton of covers of it!), “Show Yourself” from Frozen II, “What Might Have Been” from Phineas and Ferb (and lots of other songs from that show, i made a whole post about that once but I can’t find it, oof); “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle; “Thank You” by Pentatonix; “I See the Light” from Tangled; “Your Hands” by JJ Heller; “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran.....i like a loooot of songs so this is just the tip of the iceberg, but I think that’s good for now, LOL! (As soon as I post this I’m going to remember another song I love, lol)

last book: I got the book Unbirthday for Christmas! It’s basically Disney’s Alice in Wonderland, but if she’d never gone to wonderland and things went horribly wrong there. (I think, I’m not that far into it yet, lol)

Top 3 fictional universes I’d love to live in: 1. DANVILLE, PLS. Especially as a kid, I SO would’ve loved to hang out with Isabella and Phineas and the rest of the gang! Danville is so vibrant and unique and people are always randomly breaking into song there, that’s my kind of place! 2. Fairytopia (from the Barbie movies!) because I could be a fairy OR a mermaid OR BOTH and eat seeweed to breathe underwater even if I wasn’t a mermaid. Like, that’s the dream right there. (I’ve always loved mermaids and fairies, lol!) 3. Maybe San Fransokyo from Big Hero 6? All of the technology in that universe is really cool! And I would love to eat a noodle burger, lol .

Oh! That’s the last one! Wow! This was so FUN!!!!!!! Thanks again for the tag, Maddy!!!! :)

I’ll taaaag @sketchy-panda @macaronsforchat @simplynewyorkbound @inkjackets and anyone else who’d like to do this! (And pls don’t feel pressured to play at all, or answer all of the questions! I was definitely vague with a few of my answers, lol)

[mollydollyjournals]

So. It is March 23rd 2021. My birthday is soon. I weigh more than 157lbs.

I haven't been as active on here because I hate looking at thinspo when I can't do anything to get there. Since I had my jab a couple of weeks ago I've been really exhausted. Because of that I've felt worse mentally and have been drinking more, which has made me more exhausted, and I've eaten more shit foods, so of course I've gained weight. I should be thankful it's not more. It feels like more. Though that weight will also be partly due to toilet issues again. I can't go a day without lax apparently.

I feel a lot right now but also not much at all and I think I can't only describe it as heartbreak. This feels like I might have said it before. I made this account in late October last year - around that time/November, I went from around 163 to 156lbs. I wanted to get to my gw by my birthday, or at least significantly lower. So that I wouldn't feel so terrible.

Last year I was sad I couldn't do anything for my birthday due to the pandemic, as a lot of us were. This year will be my second lockdown birthday. It's also my 30th. I'm someone who already feels like they lost so much of their life to various issues. I feel so behind. If you told me I was actually turning 20 next week I'd still feel like it was too soon. So 30? I'm not ready. I wasn't finished. I at least had a year and a bit left of my 20s and now it's just gone. I guess it's typical millennial talk to say I just feel like too much of a child to be getting to an age where I'm no longer considered a young person by any metric.

I don't really look old. I get IDed all the time. People tend to mistake me for a teenager (though I'm guessing an actual teenager would probably know I'm at least older than them). I guess at least I'm not aging on the outside faster than I can keep up. But that tends to be the issue most people have with getting older, like as long as they look young and don't have too much joint pain then it's okay. That's not it for me. My physical health has been bad for so long and is connected so much to my mental health that I don't really know how much of that is due to age, but as far as appearance goes it's not that I don't recognise my reflection or anything. I occasionally get one wrinkle under my eye but that's just if a smile and thinking about it it's probably the one that's been there all my life because that's how eyes work.

But I know that's all coming. And regardless, I just feel really discouraged. You're supposed to learn how to do things as you grow up. I feel like I haven't grown up. I was just forced into it too young and I played pretend with it but I'm totally lost. I can't handle responsibility. I sometimes handle it in the moment but then I always break down afterwards. The only thing that can help is constant praise as if it's some amazing feat. But you don't get that when you're 30, you get it when you're 12 and "so mature" but then it just stops somewhere.

I feel like if I haven't got anywhere by now, why should I have any hope I'll get anywhere in future? Often people talk about turning 30 as being a time when they've learned more about themselves or got more comfortable, even without going into tangible "achievements" with work and family and money and whatever. But I haven't. I got married, and I even fucked that up.

All of these things have been on my mind about my birthday. I wanted to at least lose some weight. At least some. Just get back to where I was a few years ago. With a few months of working on it, I could at least do that. I had plenty of time until my birthday. But now it's here. My weight plateaued, I got frustrated and drank too much that one day in November and made myself seriously ill for a long time, I just about recovered and had a fucking fecal impaction that made me really ill I'm still feeling the effects of, I got a little more energy then had loads of side effects from the covid jab, and even at the times when this stuff wasn't getting in the way I was either doing badly and eating too much/not exercising, or I was doing stuff but my weight wasn't changing.

And now it's fucking here already. Logically I know it's just another day, 30 isn't exactly any different to 29, freaking out doesn't help, my metabolism isn't the same as when I was 14, etc etc blah whatever. But I have always had this horrible feeling of time just going past me. I've had it since I was a teenager and all my friends from school we're continuing with their education and I was just aimlessly floating and trying to survive. Like I was being left behind, and yet somehow still getting older. I also need a lot more sleep than most people and have always had the experience of waking up late or going to bed early, one way or another missing out. All the time I've lost because I can't survive on 8hrs sleep. Most people lose a third of their lives to sleep; I lose half. I miss out on so much, but time doesn't exactly slow down for me to catch up.

That feeling is at its worst now, hitting another milestone birthday, one that means I can no longer even call myself a young adult, and one that comes after a year of sitting around doing fuck all. This past year has pushed all those buttons. I know that it's for a reason and it saves lives etc. If I didn't think that I wouldn't be doing it, I'd just go do whatever I want instead of isolating. But it's still really hard for me. The only things I could do with this time are self improvement. My weight is my biggest insecurity. It's been nearly 5 months since I lost any weight. And not because it stopped bothering me. I'd take either weight loss or not caring - one way or another I just want to feel okay in my body.

Instead I'll just feel old and expired with my weight being another aspect of that. I'm really heartbroken. I guess it really is grief - the thing I've lost that I can't get back is time. I know everyone goes through it at least a little, but I'm really feeling it a lot.

I'm also terrified that lockdown is easing and I'll be able to go see bf. We've both been vaccinated too. I do want to see him. It's been another major difficult thing about this past year. But I'm terrified because I hate my body so much and I don't want anyone to see me. I need at least another month. My hair looks stupid and I need it to grow out at least a little. I need more time on my new skincare routine, which is the only thing that's actually any good right now. And I definitely need to lose at least SOME weight because right now if anyone touched me or looked at my bare stomach I think I'd just cry there and then. I can't drink through my insecurity anymore.

I am not having a nice time right now. I'm really not. I haven't even touched on the other stresses happening both to me and those around me and in my city or country or even globally. Everything is so much. I feel like I'm just in the wrong timeline. Everything is bad. I can't deal

[argylemnwrites]

Change of Plans - Part 1

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (Riley Liu)

Book: The Royal Romance (An It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment universe AU, set nearly 3 years after that epilogue)

Word Count: ~3000

Rating: PG-13 (just some adult language)

Summary: Living in NYC in March 2020 is redefining normal for Drake and Riley. Life doesn’t always go according to plan during a pandemic, after all.

Author’s Note: Ummmm, I tried to avoid writing this. I really did. But as I was sitting down to do some detailed outlines for the It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment sequel, all my brain kept wanting to explore was COVID-19 content in that universe. At first, I just bullet pointed some head canons, hoping that would be enough to scratch the itch. But it wasn’t. The fact of the matter is if you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know I’m all about grounding the Choices characters and stories in the real world to a certain degree. So to write an AU where Drake and Riley live in New York City and not address the horrible crisis that city is facing just didn’t feel true to me as a writer.

That being said, I understand fanfic is often an escape from the real world. I understand that addressing the current pandemic at all might not be your thing, even though I don’t take it to any truly sad or tragic places. So, no worries, this is an AU inside my AU. This will not be an “official” part of the sequel. It’s its own little two-part piece that inches a bit more firmly into the real world than the actual sequel, Why Are We Still Waiting?.

So, tagging all my usual It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment taglists, but no hard feelings if this is just a little too real. I will mention that this does hint at or reference some events from the prologue and the first couple of chapters of Why Are We Still Waiting?, but it does not spoil the core content of the story. Plus, to be fair, it’s not like I write things with big plot twists really. Much like It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment was essentially a Drake character study, Why Are We Still Waiting? is a Riley Liu character study, and I’m not really sure you even can spoil those.

Alright, I’ve rambled in this AN for far too long already. In case you skimmed and missed it, Trigger warning for coronavirus discussions.

Drake glanced up from his laptop as he heard the locks click on the apartment door, Riley and Anderson walking through a few seconds later. Riley unclasped Anderson’s leash and hung it on the hooks Drake had installed, followed by her coat and her keys, before sliding off her shoes and going straight into the kitchen to wash her hands. The space next to their door had become their “dirty zone.” For now, they weren’t changing all their clothing when they got back inside, but Drake was thinking that doing so should probably be their next step.

Taking Anderson out was now basically the only time either one of them left the apartment. With Riley being furloughed from her PR firm on Friday and Drake working from home for all of last week, there really wasn’t any other reason to do so. At the moment, they were doing okay for food and whatnot, but Drake was not looking forward to having to deal with that in the upcoming weeks. He wasn’t sure whether they should switch to just getting delivery that they could safely reheat, but exposing themselves to a new driver every couple of days, or if they should risk making a trip to Foodtown and stocking up for a few weeks just once. Deep down, he knew the latter was the better option, but neither of them had been to a bodega or grocery store in the past week, and he was kind of dreading it now that more people were starting to take this seriously since the schools were closed. Maybe he could pull out the box of five masks he’d bought when he was sanding down and repainting the dresser and see if he had one left for each of them.

For the past four days, with both of them with nowhere to be, they’d alternated who was leaving the relative safety of their apartment to get a little fresh air with the dog. Even before that, Riley was just going to work and coming straight home, and she’d been riding an old bicycle she bought from a coworker to avoid the subway. But now, she had nowhere to be and neither did he. On her first day at home, Drake had been reluctant to have Riley go out at all now that she didn’t need to do so. He’d seen the news stories about the hate crimes popping up against Asian Americans, and it seemed like an unnecessary risk. But he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to convince her to essentially become a shut in while he left the apartment a couple of times every day to walk Anderson. Plus, as she had pointed out, she was still in her 20s and wasn’t a former smoker, so by all accounts, she was medically a lower risk than him. Still, he got nervous every time she left and always felt a little better when she came back.

Overall, Drake knew things could be a lot worse for the two of them. Because of his conversations with Liam, he’d been slowly stocking up on nonperishables for the past month or so. He had not only a permanent job, but one with a law firm that allowed him to work from home. They had a one bedroom, not a studio, so Riley didn’t have to stay silent during his Zoom meetings with his boss or team. But losing Riley’s salary was certainly not great for them. They’d be okay for at least the next month, but going forward, things might get a little tight. Not only that, but Riley was clearly going stir crazy already, with no one to see and nothing to do. Well, nothing to do except send emails and make calls to Texas to postpone their wedding.

In the grand scheme of things, Drake knew that postponing a wedding was a minor loss. In fact, if that was the worst loss that they suffered at the end of all this, they would be very fortunate. And now that the president had banned travel from Europe, there was little chance of the majority of their already small guest list being able to make it. But it still sucked, particularly since they’d already had to postpone last year. 

He and Riley had talked about it last week, after the travel ban came down. Even though the wedding was seven weeks away, it had just seemed like the smart call to start cancelling things now instead of waiting until the last minute. The original plan had been for him to make the needed calls and whatnot since he was working from home, but since Riley now had infinite free time, she’d contacted everyone except his mother and aunt, who he had called over the weekend. His mother had been confused at first, saying she didn’t understand why they needed to postpone already and that she was sure it will have all “blown over” by May. Aunt Leona, on the other hand, had seemed pleased by the decision, telling him she was glad he wasn’t bringing that “Chinese virus” down to them from New York. Drake wasn’t sure whose response was more infuriating.

As Riley flopped down on the couch next to him, she let out a loud sigh. When he’d been working out of their apartment and she’d still been going into the office, they’d tried to maintain some distance at home. It had been pretty difficult, though. Although this place was way bigger than her old studio, they still just had the one bathroom, and obviously they were still sleeping in the same bed. Drake had known it had probably been smart of them to spread out as best they could, but he was kind of relieved when Riley had just curled up next to him on the couch this weekend, saying that it was stupid to try and pretend that they were even coming close to effectively socially distancing from one another. Plus, now that she wasn’t going into work, they basically carried the same risk of exposure. 

Although she was sitting next to him now, she didn’t make any move to actually touch him. Sensing she wanted to talk about something, he moved his laptop from his knees to the coffee table in front of them. Sure enough, her head landed in his lap not even a full minute later. This had become her habit over the years, to lay down on the couch and put her head across his lap whenever there was something she wanted to talk to him about, usually something serious that she didn’t want to deal with but knew they needed to deal with together.

“So, everything’s pushed back to November 7th,” she said after a couple of moments of silence, “We had to put down another deposit with the florist who was a real asshole about it, but the band, the photographer, and the caterers were really accommodating.” Her fingers traced random patterns across his forearm as she spoke, but her eyes remained closed, almost as if she couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye and see their shared disappointment reflected there.

“Thanks, Liu. I’ll call Mom tomorrow and let her know.” 

“I did try for October, but the caterers and the florist didn’t have any availability.”

“November’s fine. If the weather’s shitty, we can just have the ceremony inside the barn and the reception in the house. Our guest list is tiny, anyway.”

His statement hung there in the air. There was kind of this unspoken agreement between the two of them to just be matter of fact about postponing. It was a global pandemic. It had to happen. Being upset about it wasn’t going to make things any better. But sometimes, it just hurt, thinking about all their planning and excitement that was just on hold again. The scattered pieces of wedding favors and leftover invitations and the planning binder that Hana had started for them that were visible in every corner of the apartment didn’t help either. They were now mixed in with stacks of dog food, rice, and paper towels, a grim blend of the future they wanted with their new reality.

They didn’t even have any place to tuck the wedding crap out of sight at this point, as their closets and cupboards were filled to the brim with extra supplies. But without a car, Drake had just wanted to make sure they could minimize trips out if… no, when shit really hit the fan. And it’s not like they had that much storage space in their apartment anyway. But now they would have to live with constant reminders that they couldn’t get married and their lives were essentially on hold. 

He at least still had work to distract himself with. Now that Riley had cancelled everything, she really didn’t have anything she could focus on to distract herself. He just felt bad for her. “I’m sorry, Liu.”

“For what? None of this is your fault,” Riley said, her eyes popping open and gazing up at him, her hand continuing to trace patterns across the skin of his arm.

Drake sighed, dropping his head to the back of the couch and staring up at the ceiling. “I guess I feel guilty that I didn’t get us to Cordonia when I could.” He had been contemplating calling Savannah or Maxwell and seeing if they could come stay with them for a while. Leave the crazy population density that was New York City. Staying at the palace would mean bad optics for Liam, but he figured at least two of the three adults at Ramsford would probably be okay with hosting him and Riley and Anderson. But while he’d been weighing their options with Riley, Liam had closed all flights into Cordonia except for citizens returning home. Since Riley had never become a Cordonian citizen, they were out of luck. Drake knew that if he asked Liam, he would grant Riley some sort of royal exception, but he wasn’t going to put Liam in that position. The last thing Liam needed on his plate was making an accommodation for Riley.

Drake felt Riley’s head leave his lap, and soon her hands were on his shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze. “Drake, we both were unsure if it was the right call.” 

He just shook his head. She could have had Maxwell to spend time with while he worked. Anderson could have gone on walks safely across the grounds and vineyards. But he hadn’t been decisive enough and now it was too late. “I should have seen the writing on the wall.”

“Look at me.” Her voice was firm and carried enough of an edge that Drake complied, tipping his head back to find Riley kneeling next to him on their couch, staring at him with eyes that were somehow intense and sympathetic simultaneously. “We both were concerned about flying right now. We both were unsure about being in a house with both a baby and a toddler and possibly bringing the infection to them. We both wanted to wait to see what would happen. I don’t know why you insist on taking the blame here when we both weren’t sure if heading to Cordonia was the right call.”

“I just wish there was a way to protect you from this.”

She shook her head, “You think I don’t want that, too?”

“I know, Liu. I just feel like…” he trailed off, unable to finish his thoughts. He could have never imagined a situation where he couldn’t take care of her. Keep her safe. But there was nothing he could do about any of this. It just made him feel so powerless.

“Me too, Drake,” she said, tilting her head and sliding her hand down his arm and twining their fingers together. “But nothing else to do but ride this out. Well, that and hope we don’t drive each other too crazy over the upcoming weeks,” she added with a little chuckle. “What time do you think you’ll finish up today?”

“I dunno,” Drake said with a shrug. Since he was a naturally early riser, he’d been getting up and started on his files for the day hours before Riley was waking up, trying to get his work done by mid afternoon most days so that she didn’t feel banished to the bedroom too much. He knew she felt like a distraction to him when he was working, and though he didn’t want to admit it, she kind of was. “By 3:30, I’d guess.”

“Okay,” she replied, letting go of his hand and bouncing off the couch. “I guess it’s time for me to read up on my insurance options. I’ve been putting this off, but it’s probably better to sign up sooner rather than later.”

Drake frowned as she rounded the corner and went down the little hallway to their bedroom. He’d not thought about the fact that her being furloughed might impact her health insurance. He probably should have. Getting way better health insurance when he’d gotten hired as a permanent employee had been a big deal, after all. This employment-connected health insurance thing still just felt strange to him, though.

A thought occurred to him. He minimized the folder of digital files he was reviewing and cataloguing, pulling up instead a search engine. He landed on the city clerk’s website a couple of minutes later, scanning over the requirements, then checking the time. This could work.

“Hey, Liu!” he called out, striding over to the bedroom. Her laptop was in front of her as she lounged on her stomach, Anderson curled up right next to her. She glanced up as he reached the doorway.

“What’s up?”

“Let’s get married.”

She blinked a couple of times and pulled her head back slightly as she cocked it to the side, “Uhh, sounds good, but that was kind of already the plan.” She waved her left hand in the air, his grandmother’s ring catching the light intermittently. “I mean, I’m glad you still want to and everything, but seeing as I did just spend the whole morning rescheduling our entire wedding, I would have been pretty pissed at you if you changed your mind.”

Drake shook his head and rolled his eyes. “No, let’s get married tomorrow.”

Riley’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. We can go down to the city clerk’s office now and get our marriage license so we can get married tomorrow.”

“Where is this coming from?”

Drake walked over and sat down on the bed next to her, pointing toward her laptop. “You were going to go on my health insurance after the wedding anyway, right? So let’s do that now instead of having to pay for shitty coverage for you.”

She gave him a gentle little smile, closing her laptop and sliding up onto her knees next to him. She placed one hand between his shoulder blades, rubbing gentle circles before she spoke.

“You are a very sweet marshmallow of a man, you really are. But I know you. And I don’t want you to feel like we have to rush to do this now. We’ll be fine if we wait for the lovely wedding we planned down on the ranch with all of our friends there.”

He shook his head, “I want to do this. The question is, do you?”

“You don’t actually want to do this.”

“Of course I want to do this! You think I give a shit about who’s there or what we wear or if we have the right flowers or what we have for dinner?”

“Yeah, I do. Drake, you may not be much for pomp and glitz, but this wedding that we’ve been planning for years now? I think it matters to you. I think you want Liam and Maxwell and Hana and your mother and sister and niece and nephew there. I think you want to hear our friends toast us and to see Maxwell make a fool of himself on the dance floor and to have Bartie be the ring bearer and that’s okay. It’s okay to want to celebrate with everyone. We can wait until we can do that. This doesn’t have to just be a... logistical arrangement.”

Drake paused for a moment. She wasn’t wrong, exactly. Those were things he wanted. But right now, they seemed like little, insignificant details. 

“Look, Liu. You’re right. The thing that prompted me to think about marrying you right now was the practical reasons. But as everything becomes a total shit show, I just feel like the only protection I can offer you is this one. And in an ideal world - sure, I would want the nice little wedding we planned in Texas. But the world has changed a whole fucking lot in the past couple weeks, and nothing is exactly ideal anymore. And if my choices are waiting almost eight months to have the wedding we planned or to marry you tomorrow, I pick marrying you tomorrow. Because, yeah a wedding down on the ranch with our friends sounds great, but the whole point of that wedding is that I get to be your husband. And that’s all I really want.”

She gave him a warm smile and kissed him deeply, sliding her hand up his back and threading her fingers through his hair as his hands fell to her hips. After a few moments, she pulled back.

“So, you aren’t going to look back with regret and feel like we rushed things?”

“I’ve been ready to marry you for years. This doesn’t feel like we’re rushing. It feels like it’s about damn time. At least for me.”

Riley nodded, glancing down. Drake followed her gaze to her left hand, resting gently on her knees.

“It’s not a rush for me either.”

“So, what are you thinking? Should we get married tomorrow?” Drake asked, grabbing her hand in his, staring at her downturned face for a few seconds before she looked up and met his gaze.

“Yeah,” she said, a wide grin sliding onto her face, “Let’s fucking do this.”

Permatag: @ravenpuff02 @octobereighth @drakewalker04 @kimmiedoo5 @speedyoperarascalparty @mfackenthal @lilyofchoices @thequeenofcronuts @jamesashtonisbae

The Royal Romance/The Royal Heir: @kingliam2019 @sirbeepsalot @texaskitten30 @princessleac1 @ladyangel70 @dcbbw @yaushie

Drake x MC only: @jovialyouthmusic @iplaydrake @gibbles82 @drakewalkerisreal @riley--walker @notoriouscs @butindeed @addictedtodrakefanfic @drakesensworld  

It Couldn’t Wait Another Moment: @wickedgypsymoon @thesumofmychoices @cosigottahavefaith @thequeenchoices @katedrakeohd @feartheendlesssummer @ao719 @ooo-barff-ooo @sunnyxdazed​  

[danwhobrowses]

America, We Need to Talk

For some reason in these past years the concept of ‘Reason’ and ‘Sense’ has departed your country, I’ve hissed, I’ve simmered, I’ve hit my head against the wall hoping that in the end IN THE END the collective mass of the American People will open their eyes, stop making excuses and realise that for 4 years, America has not become ‘Great Again’ I’ve resisted the urge to unload many a time, but news that Donald Trump is to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize is just too much, because this is literal horseshit. For some part it feels like they’re only trying it just so Republicans can force a rhetoric as if Trump did a better job than Obama - who won in 2009 for easing religious tensions, preventing Nuclear Weapons distribution and profiting, working towards fixing climate change and assisting with the UN - as people die of COVID, cities burn and violence against peaceful protests continue to ravage your country.

I have to say that again, Ravage, because I feel as though some people are blind to the matter at hand. Donald Trump will say something and his cult of followers will believe it, when someone disagrees and presents evidence it’s deemed irrelevant or forged, if a Democrat says something on the contrary they need a full powerpoint presentation to prove it, somehow this mentality has poisoned the American society when the louder people will say something in confidence only for the rest of the world to read and think it’s one of the dumbest shit they’ve ever read. This isn’t just coming from a Brit, this is coming from family in Chicago, a co-worker who moved out of America and worked in the army, Italians, Greeks and someone who was in Hong Kong during the riots. The people who believe in Democracy, Majority Vote, Free Healthcare, Fair Wage, Equal Rights AND international peace that doesn’t look towards World War Fucking Three look at your country in shame because the state of your leadership and how it’s been allowed to continue with ridiculously boneheaded and stubborn reluctance to see the truth. So let’s start with the boiling point shall we, a Nobel Peace Prize Nomination? Have you learned anything from the last year? Or has the far-right got the prize so by the balls that this nomination is used as a cheap add-on to coincidentally peacock the Trump administration in its build to an election. The nomination to Trump has been cited to be in favour of the following things; Israel-UAE relations (aka ‘Saving the Middle East), Serbia-Kosovo deal (aka ‘Saving the ‘Middle East’’), Inter-Korea relations and likely the support of Jerusalem and Hong Kong, and in face value that may sway the common person who knows nothing about these deals. But a simple amount of research cuts most of these at the legs. Let’s talk Serbia and Kosovo, since it’ll directly involve Israel, relations were tense but they have not been at war, they are peacefully not talking to each other. The media will have you think that Peace has been brokered by Trump only in this but in reality Serbia still refuses to recognize Kosovo’s independence, the tensions are still there you can just travel there now. This is an agreement that’s been build up since the economic and trade agreement in 2013. If that year isn’t surprising you that is 3 years before Trump was elected, when Barrack Obama was in office - Republican Public Enemy Hillary Clinton was at the forefront of that when she was Secretary of State. So no, Trump hasn’t saved the Middle East by this deal, mainly because Kosovo and Serbia are in Europe, they have been part of the EU for quite some time and the deal is already jeopardized since Serbia won’t build an embassy in Jerusalem if Israel recognize Kosovo as independent - which was part of the original deal. Also for all the Republicans’ use of ‘fear by Communism’ to slander their opponents they sure love to rub shoulders with countries also rubbing shoulders with Russia and China. So this segues into Israel-UAE, the Arab Nations have mainly been reluctant to recognize Israel as independent. On the 13th August a deal was struck called the Abraham agreement establishing Diplomatic Relations. Except, this was in the making since 2012 and only delayed to help progress Israeli-Palestine conflicts (which Trump’s actions with Israel led to Palestine cutting ties with the administration and his ‘Peace Plan’ falling apart 3 years after announcing it). UAE and Israel had been in conversation before Trump was signed in, but only made headway when the FDD - already funded by the UAE - took over. For 3 years USA did little for the relations, UAE and Israel doing it themselves, it’s only now do the US mediate a peace agreement, which meant that Trump didn’t really do much in terms of convincing both sides, he just made sure things didn’t get out of hand - which was never close to happening since there is little tensions. It was Kushner who requested the meeting and Mossad also had a huge part in it. Also I want to add that the US are only buddied with these two out of fear of Iran - you know, that country that Trump almost goaded into war in January after bombings and the death Assassination of General Soleimani who helped the US in the wake of 9/11 track and hunt down the Taliban, as well as fighting ISIS, how peaceful was that? The Middle East is still in Civil and Proxy Wars, no saving has been done there, the US just were there for Israel and UAE to confess that they’re friends. Which leads me to Korea. The Olympics helped more than Trump did, a shared effort where both countries had to travel and accommodate each other. Tensions may’ve eased in 2016 but they were far from resolved and in 2020 not much is better. Korea still antagonize one another and the North still antagonizes the US, any ‘peace’ the Trump Administration will claim to towards Korea faded quickly. And finally, Hong Kong, the US may be supportive and rightly so but this is again fear of Communism, it should’ve happened sooner but the US was hoping for that big and meaty trade deal with China. And this isn’t months I’m talking about it’s years, the proposal first took place after the Umbrella Movement...in 2014, it was annually brought up in Congress but postponed until the Senate decided to. And after Trump signed it he said he might veto it in favour of the China trade deal

“We have to stand with Hong Kong, but I'm also standing with President Xi: he's a friend of mine." - Donald Trump, November 2019

So really, this Nobel Peace Prize is the product and efforts of other people that set events in motion that Trump was there just to sign his name on. Meanwhile, in the country he is President of, the COVID Death toll has officially risen to 190 Thousand. 20% of COVID deaths are in the United States. Tear Gas/Pepper Spray - which is a recognized chemical weapon not allowed to be used in warfare - is used by Trump Supporters along with paintballs to attack peaceful protesters and Trump calls that peaceful because ‘Paint is not bullets’ - as someone who has been hit with Paintballs from safe range, they will hurt like a bitch and if you don’t wear protective gear they can do enough harm to crack and sometimes even break bone, the asthmatic co-worker I aforementioned that was in Hong Kong also notes that Tear Gas is awful, it may not kill you but it is far from peaceful. In the same breath Trump refuses to condemn a 16 year old carrying an AR and shooting someone in the head. He has also refused to condemn Epstein’s financier Ghislaine Maxwell and ‘hopes that she’s well’...the sex trafficker, but when you mention late Civil Rights leader John Lewis and his words are ‘can’t say one way or the other...he didn’t come to my inauguration’. This is your leader. The embodiment of the standards the country upholds itself to, it baffles me and many many others that the American People Chose a racist, bigoted, misogynistic, careless, self-important, naive, power-mad, severally-bankrupted, reality tv personality man-child, who is also intending to use US Taxpayers money to cover lawsuit fees against him alongside all his other golf trips. The man literally said that no other president has done more for Black People than he has, this is while he profusely condemned Kaepernick taking a knee to protest Police Brutality against Blacks and POC only for years later the world support it as BLM protests still happen because action has not been taken. We’ll also see what happens on the 14th regarding the Felony Hearing of the officers in Buffalo who pushed over Gugino and gave him a brain injury which he is still rehabilitating from after Trump tried to sell him as an Antifa member. Just in case you’re unaware, antifa stands for anti-fascist but Trump will paint that again in ‘Fear of Communism’. If you actually look up this stuff, the web of Trump’s lies unravel, and yet people just forget about. The man is a pro at gaslighting I’ll give him that, I mean leaking e-mails that condemned Clinton right at election time was some cutthroat stuff, but a man who needs to rely on preying on xenophobia, paranoia, fear, racism and invests mainly on smear tactics and dismantling, is not someone who can lead a country to prosperity, the amount of leeway this man gets from his supporters just hurts my head. So let me ask you America, truly, what is it that you want? Because it can’t be this, can it? Protests, Riots, people refusing to wear a simple face mask to limit the spread of a deadly virus because they think it’s a fake thing that the entire world decided to get in on with WHO just to spite Trump? Teenagers carrying guns? Refugees refused asylum and kept in cages? Do you want to keep spending your savings just to go to the doctors? or do you think that ‘Patriotism’ is blindly defending your country’s flaws and clinging to archaic and outdated thinking because centuries ago your country prospered in it? I’ll tell it to you straight: America is not the greatest country in the world, it hasn’t been for a long time. I don’t know what your history books tell you; that Native Americans were fine with slaughter, that the US won WW2 with the military might they always had, that Vietnam was a moral victory, but the present day should tell you that your country is a mess, and the man who has been at the helm for 4 years will not fix it in another 4. There’s only so much of Obama’s policies he can plagiarize as his own; he has left the UN, left the Paris Agreement for cleaner air and energy and all his original campaign members have been arrested, an alarming amount of people associated with him are facing criminal charges - is that not a red flag? Don’t let your thoughts that as a patriot you have to support your country no matter what, true patriotism is not just the love of your country but the hope and strive to better it because you can love it but accept that it has flaws. I mean even I’ll admit that the UK has a lot of its own shit to deal with, doesn’t mean I hate where I live I just know it can be better. If this were anyone else, hell if this were a Democrat the Republican party would be booking them a flight to the other side of the world with the stuff Trump has done and let to continue on with afterwards, through him you went from the United States to an Absolute State and the rest of the world wonder if this will either lead to World War 3 or a Second American Civil War You don’t have to like Joe Biden, but he clearly looks like the lesser of the two evils here, and at least in 4 years time America under him won’t be on fire. If you still don’t like him someone new could be elected after, but right now you are on a downward spiral and need someone who can put you back into a stable place, that man is not Donald Trump. The man who wants to intercept mail-in voting and outcry its ‘risk’ of tampering when he himself voted by mail is not a truthful leader, the man who tried to cancel the World Health Organization when they simply asked to not call COVID a racist name that incited xenophobia after decrying cancel culture is not a moral leader, and the man who said that COVID would peter out and suggested injecting disinfectant into the lungs to combat it only to now suddenly buy out all the experimental treatment so that they can try and engineer a cure in time for the election campaign, is not a wise leader. All the stuff you see in these coming months is just an attempt to win your vote, for the most part it’ll be Trump stamping his name on something other people worked on for years and claiming that he did all the work. So make sure you actually check the truth of these things, research and fact-check yourself with valid, neutral sources. Take off the blinders, take a breath and actually see the full picture. And please, as well as not letting this man have the Nobel Peace Prize Don’t give this guy have a Second Term