#I don't have a lot of mutuals anyway so you know also that

[mchiti]

guys I'm not one who gets mad if I get unfollowed by a mutual -genuinely!! I understand this should be a nice experience and it's alright to follow only who we want to follow. Maybe i get upset but that's normal. Perhaps it just makes me wonder if I'm just too naive or anything cause I'd never do the same idk bruh. Like I think it's a right but I'd never. it's just the internet I suppose

[bayrut]

I may have made a mistake.....

[enigmasandepiphanies]

I think some of y'all (people in uni) were never 15 and read, "we accept the love we think we deserve" and sobbed while reading perks of being a wallflower and it shows

[vse-kar-vem]

weekly breakdown post 😁 none of you hate me right !

[magentagalaxies]

currently researching the process of getting a canadian work visa bc that's my next step for after graduation (i already have a potential job lined up, i just need to make sure that position would be able to fit the requirements for a work visa) and while i cannot say i'm much closer to having this all figured out than when i started, i can say it gave me a delightfully unhinged idea for an episode in my aubrey webseries someday

[thaliagrayce]

i've been talking abt my voltron playlists and @iveofficiallygonemad asked to hear them and i want to share with anybody who wants!! i know they're not perfect, i'm working on them & trying to make them better. if you have any recommendations for any of them, let me know!! there's like A Lot and i want to give a lil explanation for most of them, so i'm putting them under the cut ^-^

SO first i have my favorite one <3 it's just. all of them. it's the whole team. it's a mess and it's a bunch of different genres because it's them fighting over the aux cord on a road trip. it's them trying to make each other laugh or annoy each other or play something catchy enough it will infect everyone in the vicinity with brain worms.

Hunk: i'm pretty happy with my Hunk playlist! chill vibes. he strikes me as the kind of guy who listens to calm music to try to find his own calm, and that's what i got here :)

Pidge: this is messier and less cohesive than my usual playlist because frankly i think pidge would have a shit taste in music. all over the board. this is a mix of meme songs and 8-bit covers and vocaloid and stuff that i think pidge would genuinely connect with, and i think pidge listens to all their music on shuffle without any regards for genre or mood because they're a gremlin. nobody gives pidge sole control of the aux.

Coran hears 80's music for the first time and loses his mind. He thinks ABBA is humanity's single greatest achievement.

Lance: i have ideas about where I'm going with this but haven't really settled yet. Lance seems like the kind of boy that loves to dance (is that canon? i forgot) so most of these are Bops That Make You Move in some way or another. he likes to present an upbeat face to the world, so there's no angsting in this playlist! we are clinging to the things that make us happy with both hands until our knuckles turn white!

Keith: i'm gonna be honest. i made him a playlist but i honestly don't think he cares about music very much. it's very important to some people! he's just not one of them! i haven't cracked this playlist open in a while but i'm pretty sure it's full of songs that i think he would conceivably train/work out to.

Shiro: this playlist involves the dumbest headcanon i have for shiro that has just not left me alone since i first thought of it. most of the playlist reflects the fact that he had an emo phase in middle school (that one isn't a headcanon, you just have to look at him to know) but BUT there are a few songs on here that are on here because. little known fact. he also went through a Twilight phase that he told nobody about. (keith knows. keith was there.) he has the entire twilight soundtrack memorized. he moved past the story but the music stays forever. he used to daydream about slow dancing to Flightless Bird, American Mouth. the first time Coran mentions that they have to avoid a place because there's a supermassive black hole there, he has to bite his tongue in order to keep a straight face. do NOT ask me why i believe this so wholeheartedly.

Allura's playlist sucks right now. I think it's because in my heart of hearts i know that, were she on earth today, she would go fucking nuts for taylor swift. i have ambivalent feelings for taylor swift. i cannot do allura justice like this. if you see my vision and have recs as to what might actually fit her, PLEASE.

Klance: i haven't done it yet but i'm gonna go through this and sort it to be a sort of progression of their relationship, starting with the more combative Rivalry songs, then slipping into "oh shit oh shit" songs, then maybe ending on the more lighthearted purely romantic songs <3

(i have two songs in a shallura playlist which does not at all encapsulate how much i'm obsessed with them. the tiny cop inside my head is just constantly screaming at me that i'm going to get yelled at for liking shallura. i am going to kill the cop inside my head.)

[moe-broey]

Another important thing though...

[annie-thyme]

and once again I am suddenly overwhelmed with an intense feeling of not really fitting into a gender

[spectrearia]

this is kinda random but it crossed my mind again today and I figured I'd bring it up, but if you're a friend/mutual of mine and you post art or something that I don't reblog, please don't take it personally. i have a lot of fandoms blocked for my own reasons and quite a bit of the content that y'all post falls into some of that and I just straight up Don't See It kfjdng

anyway. felt like clearing that up just in case it bothered anyone ><;;

[rotisseries]

actually now that the clique thing is a few days old, i didn't really get involved for a reason and I don't feel super strongly in either direction

but I will say that like. while there's certainly a problem of less interaction on the fanworks/posts from less popular blogs, this isn't really a byler exclusive issue? this happens in most fandoms these days, interaction is just on a decline in general which IS. a problem but not really a "byler tumblr is cliquey" problem. in regards to any actual cliques I wouldn't say they don't exist but I don't think it's "the popular kids" themselves doing this. I don't know if the rest of you have some other bloggers in mind that I don't know about, but as someone who is mutuals with a fair amount of who I thought were the popular blogs, they are always very nice and welcoming to me, and actually easy to talk to once you just. see them and talk to them as a normal human and not an omnipotent fandom god. so this is all to say that if there's a clique issue I think it's from the outside. I think maybe people are perceiving these bigger blogs who all happen to be friends as these untouchable idols in fandom and it's. making it cliquey from the outside. like are they a clique or have you just convinced yourself they wouldn't want anything to do with you and isolated this group from everyone else. this isn't to say that people can't be assholes of course just that I don't think any of this is intentional

[scottstiles]

every day more convinced that tumblr is trying to stir up drama and cause further psychic damage to my soul by dropping mutuals like flies. this is about the 3rd time this year i’ve been unfollowed by accident, so if i anyone notices i’m not following anymore or i’m no longer a mutual please PLEASE tell me because it was NOT on purpose. i don’t do that out of the blue (and if i did you would probably know why anyway pretty quickly).

[astrxealis]

i do not like tumblr much anymore again :(( anyways important stuff in the tags! but tldr just hmu if you want my discord or twitter, won't be gone from here completely but yeah <3

[indigodawns]

.

[svampira]

girlie help does swansong get better. i’m halfway through the first Proper Part of the game that isn’t tutorial and man,,,,

listen to me. LISTEN TO MEEEEEE. No. But also yes

[domesticmail]

:|

there is a mouse nesting in my chest, making itself a home out of my muscles and bones. a constant thrum of nervous energy commanding all of my attention, my heart beating in harmony with the anxious patter of animal footsteps. it's made a bed between my lungs and i can feel the pressure, each breath shorter, quicker, needier.

it's inescapable. that's why i hate the mouse - not because it exists, or it happens to exist inside me. because no matter what i do, there is still a mouse in my chest. it chews on my ribcage, tiny teeth gnawing on (quite literally) the structure of my life, unaware of my total misery, thinking only of itself.

--

anyway that's a bit of creative writing about my anxiety. my boyfriend and i haven't spoken in two days and i'm just completely panicking inside but he asked me to give him space so that's what i have to do. i really struggle with being alone while triggered, and leaving an argument unresolved without a clear time to come back around and discuss it is a trigger for me. (that's not my partner's fault, i was not really aware of this previously. i just thought everyone began to spiral and completely panic for days) i am not very good with self-soothing but i've made massive progress recently.

it is really hard for me to drop difficult topics of conversation when they arise because of the way i was raised. i've talked about it on here before but basically from the time i was about 8 to when i was 18 if i got caught doing something i wasn't supposed to, the resulting punishment would always be an hours-long interrogation in my parents' bedroom about WHY i disobeyed them. i think the longest was like six hours. they would keep me there and grill me, telling me i was a horrible role model, a bad older sister, and a bad daughter. they would occasionally call my younger siblings in to explain why i was in trouble, and then have them all tell me one by one their thoughts about whatever i'd done (ranging from not turned in a homework assignment or two to sneaking out one night, etc. stuff i'd consider normal teenager stuff but maybe isn't? idk). i distinctly remember them calling my aunt and my grandparents (separate times) to have them humiliate me. frequently, i would cry so hard for so long i would begin to hyperventilate and my mom would call me disgusting, saying she hated the way i sounded while i cried. eventually i learned to just go completely numb to all of it, but they hated that, too, and would say i looked smug and self-righteous. i held up being completely stoic for a while and then one day, i just broke. i thought to myself, they're just going to do this to me forever, and they keep acting like i'm talking back to them anyway. they berate me for not standing up to them and just being quiet, so FUCK them i'll just be mean back." that obviously didn't work either but it felt better than the first two, so it persisted until my sister attempted suicide. i never acted out of line after that, because i figured i needed to take care of my youngest siblings, and i could only do that if my parents trusted me.

and throughout all of this, i was NEVER allowed to leave a punishment, to take a break, etc. they endured until i met some arbitrary criteria for being punished, and then i could go back to my room.

so i'm accustomed to just dealing with it the first time, and moving on. i hate waffling around the issue. being direct and respectful is very freeing, you have the ability to say what you want and address issues that may be really contentious or upsetting with someone you love and still feel comfortable with them. i am working towards this, i think the ability to stay totally calm and civil in a disagreement would be a really nice skill to have. you could talk about anything!

however currently i'm not quite there. i am very reactive, especially so when i'm triggered. it's really hard for me to pause during arguments, i get so anxious because i don't know what's going to happen, and i WANT there to be a resolution. i WANT to finish the conversation and come to the end of this issue, whatever it is. but it is completely out of my control right now, which infuriates me. i need to work on my emotional regulation.

i really want to take up some sort of martial art for this. i have all this expendable energy in the form of anxiety and a reasonable amount of free time. i've been interested in it from a young age but i've done absolutely nothing athletic for like four years. (to give you a rough idea of how much i exercise - i go on probably four walks a week. up to one a day. there's a pull up bar in our apartment [OW, saying that hurts, 'our' feels like such a bite now] that i use. when we first got it i could do two; now i can do five!)

i am also 5'3 and 95 lbs. so i'm too small to compete. but i feel like a. i don't want to compete i want to be strong and badass and b. i gained 12 lbs when i went to college, if i could do it once i can do it again. also my doctor would probably be pretty happy.

but anyways! that's where i'm at. boyfriend is sleeping on the couch of his own volition, so, whatever, i guess. going into another day of not talking. i'm not reaching out to him because he told me, specifically, to leave him alone, but the longer it goes the worse i feel about the whole thing. there's nothing i can do, though, because any sort of reaching out is crossing his boundary.

it just sucks to feel this way. i wish he would tell me when we could talk again, instead of just icing me out completely. then i could at least push it out of my mind for a while.

i don't want to stop writing. if i stop writing i have to go to bed, and if i go to bed the night will pass so fast and then i'll be awake tomorrow and having to face another day so soon. i want to stay curled up in our (OW!) bed forever. i don't want to have to worry about him breaking up with me.

(also it's kinda funny i'm worried because like he broke up with me once already. for a week. and i lived through it. like, shouldn't i be mentally prepared for this?)

at this point i'm just rambling. it feels good though. i feel like i'm draining my brain into this post - blaaaghhhh here are all my insecurities blablablablaaaaaagghhhh!!!

i hate my job. i hate customer service. even though i got tipped (tipped!! for working front desk!!) $30 last week. being good at it doesn't make me any happier. i want to be fulfilled by it and i am so. not. however i am still getting my degree so that's basically my one option.

my mom mentioned a certification i'm going to look into, she said it's useful for finding work in the field. i think i'm going to switch my major; i just really want to go into project management. i know that might sound stupid but genuinely i think it's such an interesting field and i would be so happy to manage projects and teams and put together decks

[aromantic-pantyanarchy]

It's me. I'm the cis, heterosexual, aromantic man. I will never marry, I will never be married, I will grow into middle age and elder age and I will die unmarried. I will be forced to support a household of myself on only my wages alone for the rest of my life. I will be asked about women and marriage and children by my family for the rest of my life (or men, the progressive ones might say). I may not ever come out to them. I feel like I burned my coming out on something stupid. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to run them through the definitions and intricacies. I don't want the acceptance without understanding, placating me with ceased questions and poor explanations to other, drunk adults.

I like my hair to be long, I spent a year with it dyed a golden blonde with dark roots because I like the trashy party girl aesthetic. I want to dye it again with pink tips. I like painting my nails, black and blue are my favorite colors. I like wearing chokers. I also like wearing baggy jeans and ratty hoodies. I like having stubble. I like having chest hair. I like having a square jaw and broad shoulders. I wish I had a flatter stomach and a thinner profile frame. I don't know what this makes me, perhaps this is something no more GNC than Machine Gun Kelly. I think about this a lot, how queer my appearance truly is. I should think about it less. I have thought long and hard about if I could be trans or if I could be non-binary or if I could be genderqueer and the conclusion I ultimately came to is that I most enjoy being a man open to whatever self-expression I want.

I don't date, but I've thought about it. I would like to meet people, and I would like to have sex with them. But I don't want to hurt them. I fear if I explain what I am beforehand it'll scare them away. I fear if I explain after they'll feel manipulated or abused. I don't know how many people in the dating scene want what I want. I fear my own lack of experience will make me a bad lay, an embarrassing story to tell to confidants in hindsight. I fear my own virginity, a boundary to those I wish to be like. All of these fears are baseless, as I've not been able to even begin a single relationship in my life. Despite this I still heavily identify with terms like "slut" and "manwhore" and "thot" because my interests lay so deeply within casual sex, sex without great intimacy or emotion. This may be some form of stolen valor. I hope the true sluts are not too mad at me.

I made this blog several years ago because a mutual of mine reblogged memes making fun of aro and ace people, making fun of the concept of aphobia, and in addition well known aphobes. I didn't feel comfortable talking about aro stuff on my main blog, for as little as I talk about it. Living through the ace discourse of the 2016 era has largely caused me to cringe in embarrassment any time I am forced to discuss my orientation with people who aren't aro or ace themselves. I no longer follow this person. I unfollowed many people I was mutuals with from that time, most of them because they posted too often about how much they hated men and I didn't want to see that, some because our interests simply drifted too far apart, only one for explicit aphobia reasons. (Also one because they became a "both sides are bad, any vote is wasted" libertarian, but that's unrelated.)

I guess at this point I don't care deeply about what strangers on the internet think of me. If a trusted friend told me that they don't think I'm truly queer that may hurt. But I am going to continue to use the word for myself. I take up no resources. I go to events that are open to me. If an event was not open to me, I think I'd not want to go anyways. I am not a hypothetical, I am not a strawman, I am a person with lived experiences both within and exterior to the queer community. If you hate me, I will permit you to continue to do so. But ultimately, I am who I am, I cannot change these facts, and I would not choose to do so even if I could.