#I doubt I would have had the motivation to completely restart

[folliesandfolderols]

Writing prompts day 88

From this prompt list. If you’ve read this far, I’m not sure you need any explanation, but the short version is I hadn’t written any fiction since 2019, I set a goal to write at least 150 words/day in 2024, and this list was my way to restart. Also I abruptly decided on day 2 I would write an entire Tim/Damian story connecting all the prompts, because I am Good at Judging My Limits. /sarcasm Anyway, I finished the rough draft a while ago and am now unlocking the old entries as I edit.

Read from the beginning here, or on ao3 here.

Day 87 here

***

137. “Christ, I wanna fuck you so bad[ly].” “You’ll get to do that once we get home.”

***

The sound of retching behind the bathroom door woke him. He groaned and looked at his phone: 6 AM. He’d gotten about two hours of sleep. He padded to the door and called through the wood, “Damian? You okay?”

More retching, then Damian’s irritable, “I’m sure you realize the common after-effects of ingesting the sort of drugs I did last night, Drake. This is a momentary inconvenience. My superior constitution will deal with it shortly.”

Tim started to reply, but was cut off by the sound of continued vomiting. With a shrug, he went to the kitchen to brew some ginger tea. He couldn't prove Damian was wrong about his "superior constitution." God knew what Talia had done to him in that artificial womb. But it sure didn't sound like it was doing him any good at the moment.

A few minutes later, Damian stumbled out of the bedroom, his customary grace clearly having deserted him. He winced at the kitchen light, though Tim had dimmed it to the lowest possible illumination. "Why are you awake?" he asked, voice hoarse.

"Hard to sleep when the person you're with is puking their guts up." Tim brandished the mug at him. "I made you some ginger tea. Do you want honey to go with it?"

"Completely unnecessary," Damian grumbled, plopping into a kitchen chair and lowering his head to rest on his arms, crossed on the table.

Ugh, he was such an ass when he didn't feel well. Tim shrugged. "Fine, I'll drink it."

"No," Damian said, eyes still closed. "You went to the trouble. I'll take it with honey."

Pleasantly surprised, Tim prepared it as directed and set the mug down on the table next to Damian's face. After a second, Damian heaved a sigh and sat up enough to cradle the mug in both hands.

Tim broke the silence after a minute. "I still don't get why you didn't just fake it."

Damian took a sip of the tea. "She is a brilliant woman. Motivated, sharp, and insightful. Her real name is Yekaterina. She came over here believing she had been recruited for a program to teach Russian to English speakers."

Tim stared at a remnant of lipstick on Damian's earlobe and tried not to feel sick with jealousy. "Not seeing the connection here."

Damian shrugged. "She is also terrified. Her hands were shaking the entire time she spoke to me. She brought up the sex trafficking. She had heard that the Waynes have ties to Batman, and she hoped the Justice League would do something for her." Tim winced. Damian gave him a slight nod. "I didn't disabuse her of the notion. It seemed unnecessarily cruel. In any case we'll be doing something, and our efforts will undoubtedly prove superior to anything they could do."

By now Tim thought he had figured it out. "So you drank the drugs because you didn't want her to be scared of reprisals."

"Exactly." Damian sipped more tea, eyes unfocused as he remembered. "She was sick with fear when she told me about her orders to drug me. If I could undergo a few hours' discomfort to spare her that, I saw no option to do otherwise."

Tim couldn't stop himself from reaching across the table and grasping one of Damian's hands. Damian glanced from his fingers to Tim's face, questioning. Keeping his tone light, Tim said, "You're a real hero, aren't you?"

Damian sniffed dismissively, but his answering grip was warm. "As no one doubts."

"And you saved some of the sample so we can synthesize an antidote, right?"

With an almost imperceptible wince, Damian said, "I did not see the point."

Because it didn't occur to you at all while you were busy flinging yourself onto the altar of sacrifice, Tim thought, but he just shook his head and said, "Well. Next time." Given their lives, why wouldn't there be a next time?

***

That night, they were both scheduled to patrol, so Tim headed to the Cave to do his pre-patrol briefing in person and update Bruce on the latest developments in their case. Damian had already shared some of it, but Bruce listened intently to Tim's recitation.

"Falcone," he said after flipping through the electronic dossier. "That's my best guess. Damian tells me he had contact with one of the exploited women?"

"Yeah, though he doesn't remember much from their actual conversation so we're waiting for Jason to finish cleaning up the audio." At Bruce's eyebrow lift, he clarified, "Because of the drugs she put in his drink. He drank them voluntarily but they had the usual effect on his memory."

"I wish I were surprised he was that foolhardy." Bruce gave him the barest hint of a smile. "Unfortunate, that neither you nor I can be the ones to lecture him about that."

Tim laughed, but felt the need to say, "I know my limits better than that, Bruce."

Bruce wisely didn't say anything directly about that statement, merely mused, "I should tell Dick. He might be able to rein him in," as he swiveled his desk chair back to face the screens.

Tim took that to mean the conversation was over, and headed for his motorcycle, hoping Nightwing wasn't going to visit Gotham anytime soon. Dick understood Damian in a way that surpassed conscious thought, and could make leaps of logic about his former sidekick that led to correct deductions as easily as he performed a quadruple somersault.

Damian sought him out a few hours later, coming to rest on a crane near the port as Tim perched on its jib, looking for suspicious activity.

"Why is Father telling me to check on you after last night?" he demanded, without bothering with inconsequential things like greetings. "What happened? Are you hurt?"

Tim straightened from his crouch, mental gears clicking. "Shit. What did you tell him when he said that?"

Damian paused, but pushed forward after a second. "I said I would do so, of course."

With a heavy sigh, Tim rubbed his forehead. "Dammit. He's on a fishing expedition. If you had said," he imitated Damian's haughtiest tone, "'you may check on him yourself, as you are the one who insists on maintaining his incompetent presence,' that would've sent him off the scent, but this? He knows."

Damian went silent in the way that meant he realized he'd messed up. In a quieter voice, he said, "I had thought you said you wouldn't mind if he did know."

"I don't." Tim shrugged and redirected his gaze out over the harbor. "I don't like when he outmaneuvers me like this, though. He could just ask."

“If he wanted you to lie to him, perhaps.” Damian drew alongside him, looking in the same direction. "Any activity?"

"Nothing. It's quiet as a tomb." Tim turned to examine what he could see of his face. "How about you? Are you okay? Any lingering effects?"

"Barring the memory loss, none. It's an odd feeling to watch the footage Hood provided and not have a recollection of my own actions."

Tim came to attention. "You've watched it? What does she say?"

"She's willing to help us. She can give us information about meetings she goes to with Waters, because he often takes her along as a status symbol. And she gave us a name." Damian couldn't hide the triumph in his tone. "It is Falcone at the head of the operation."

For some reason, Tim couldn't muster up the same level of enthusiasm. "Great. Well, that's our next step planned for us, then. We've gotta gather enough information to get him put away in a federal prison forever."

Damian's brow quirked. "I thought you would be more excited about the news. But I suppose you already knew."

Tim struggled with himself for a second. He enjoyed his reputation as someone whose investigative deductions were infallible, but he couldn't lie to Damian. "No. I talked to Batman about it tonight. He said it was the most likely option. I wasn't sure. In any case, it's good work. You should be happy about it."

"I am pleased. Why aren't you?" Damian made an aborted movement, as if he would've taken Tim's hand, and then decided against it.

"I'll be happy when we wrap this up. For now, it's just—" Tim cut himself off with a giant yawn. "It's just more work for us," he finished, then yawned again.

Damian did reach for his shoulders now. "What's wrong? How long has it been since you slept?"

"Well, I had an hour-long nap at my desk today while Sarah from Payroll gave us a webinar on the new system for requesting time off." Tim dragged his hand down his face. "Hope I don't have to use my PTO anytime soon because I am fucked."

"I don't understand why you're on patrol at all in this state." Damian stepped into his space, grip tightening. "You're in no condition to make life and death decisions."

Tim pushed back and away, the banked embers of rage that always lay at the base of his need to prove himself flaring. "Hey. I've been making those for a long time. I don't need you to tell me how to do this. Speaking of, don't you have your own patrol route to get to?"

Damian dropped his hands, clenching them into fists. "Of course I do. I only took time away from it because Father requested I do so." He took a backwards step, then another. "I won't detain you from your urgent surveillance tasks any longer."

A sudden realization struck Tim before he could leave. “Ah, shit. Hold on.” He leaped toward Damian and grabbed his wrist. “What am I doing? I don't even want you to go. I'm sorry."

Damian actually stepped from one foot to the other in a display of indecisiveness foreign to his usual surety. He tapped his domino until the white-outs cleared, revealing his eyes. "If you don't want me to go, what do you want?"

Tim considered that. What did he want? Well, mostly he wanted Damian to swear he'd never look at anyone else sexually ever again, but that was deeply fucked up and not feasible to share. He compromised with a watered-down version of the truth that possibly would help him avoid a psych eval. "I want you to stay. And I want you to kiss me."

Damian stepped back toward him and kissed him without hesitation. Tim clung to his shoulders to keep his balance. The gentle pressure of Damian's tongue, so at odds with the harsh grab of his hands on Tim's waist, had him opening up, letting him in deeper. His knees turned to jelly. God, he really was exhausted.

"You are maddening," Damian growled, wrenching his mouth away and glaring down at him.

"I mean, likewise," Tim said frankly, and pulled his head down again.

Damian yanked him closer and kissed him until the plates of their respective body armor caught uncomfortably, angling his tunic in a way that pulled the collar tight. He dislodged himself with a disgruntled "tt," but his eyes were bright with furtive happiness. Tim had a feeling he had a similar dopey look on his own face.

"Christ, I want to fuck you so badly," Damian whispered.

Tim cradled his face in his hands and kissed his chin. "You'll get to do that once we get home. Promise. For now you should get back to your own part of the city."

It wasn't until hours after Damian leaped off the top of the crane that Tim realized he'd referred to his Nest as Damian's home.

days 89-91 here

[jinn-exe]

I’m glad to see someone bring up the professors’ journals, because that excerpt confused me. When they wrote about finally managing to bring a Paradox Pokèmon to the present, they finish it off with “I’m so close to making the paradise from the book—a paradise where we three can live together forever”. I thought they meant “humanity, modern day Pokèmon, and Paradox Pokèmon can coexist in the modern world” but then it just? Sounds awkwardly worded if that’s what they were referring to? I would’ve said “a paradise where we can all live together forever”, because the use of “us three” sounds like three individuals rather than three different populations. Which then made me consider if they meant “me, my partner, and our son Arven”, but I’m not sure how that would connect to Paradox Pokèmon being brought back to life/being brought to life early. I feel like we need to be given a little bit more information regarding their motives; we know they wanted to bring about this paradise, but why? Did they believe the world would be better for it? What purpose does this paradise serve? What made this paradise so important that they decided that neglecting Arven was worth doing? Really hoping to learn more about them in the DLC, since we know a new Paradox Pokèmon will be appearing, and that suggests that the time machine will be restarted (I doubt these new Paradox legendary Pokèmon were just wandering around Area Zero without being noticed).

At first that's what I thought too! But then it doesn't sound right? Because if there are three parties involved, we'd assume it to be humanity, the paradox pokemon and the pokemon that were already established. The way they worded it seemed really vague, so it was either that, or they were referring to their family. But the fourth station journal made me think that it was the latter since it says, "I need more people. More time. That man/woman walked out not long after the boy was born .... if only there were two of me", so this is all assumption but from my understanding, the journal in the third research station was when Arven was still in the womb. Now, the other journal in the third station also says, "Our time machine research has yielded a triumph— a Pokemon from the distant past/future" meaning that both professors were working on it together. I think that's where it went south, because the professors had already become too obsessed with making the time machine a reality with the pretense of, "I must do it so that my family and I will live happily together in paradise" so when it worked, the professors must have wanted more or they were busy analyzing the new pokemon, which led to their partner leaving them because it was already a lost cause. I'm assuming after the other parent left, the professor and Arven moved in to the lighthouse. They must have raised Arven with Kuraidon/Miraidon, and when Arven was old enough to join the academy, they went back to Area Zero to complete their dream of making the paradise come true, which was probably the professors' "treasure" in a sense. Anyway, this is all still a conjecture of mine, and of course you're free to put in your opinions together! I'm just trying to make sense with the minimal information they placed into the lore, I hope this answers some of the questions you were wondering about! Honestly we really need more of their backstory, putting two and two together without any other piece of information is just making my brain hurt LMAO, im super excited to see what they have in store for the DLC, especially if the time machine is going to be restarted like you said! I doubt we'll be getting more lore abt that but one can hope </3

[sylph-feather]

I really enjoyed your fic "Dualisms", and I came here because I just had to ask - do Yusaku/Yukiko know about Shinichi being fae? Or would they have found out, and how would they have taken it?

I'm glad you liked it! It's one I wish I had the motivation to finish, but probably will never finish the original. I might try scrapping it and restarting with a similar premise and a new plot, though :P (though of course I'll leave the og up)

Anyways, to answer your question, the idea was no. They wouldn't have known, but I was planning on having them probably find out. Yukiko would probably take it fine, but I think Yusaku would go through doubt much like his son :> I was going to have a funny chapter/bit where Shinichi comedically did everything he could think of to convince Yusaku, fail, and then decide he doesn't care enough to continue... and then have it be something completely random/incongruous that convinces the guy.

[eristic-kaleidoscope]

The Order of Your Operations || Kenshin || 5.3 || RE: God there’s a lot

Well, a lot has certainly happened since he has spoken up last! For a while, he wasn’t exactly convinced that Erisu could be AZ-8, partially out of fear, but with more and more people speaking up… well, it just made sense now, especially with the arguments given. There was no need to fight that now, as he could connect other evidence he saw with that.

Instead, for a while, he remains silent, glancing back over Byrne’s way. Speaking up about all that impacted him, and the information that Akito somehow knew… Quietly, he reaches over, giving his hand another squeeze, before whispering something. After doing so, he lets go, facing the group once more.

Here goes.

“Well, I must admit, for a while I was rather unsure about this whole thing. The framing and having a rigged trial but….” Pause, as he adjusts his glasses. “...have to say I’m on board with all of your thoughts. None of this is lining up, so… yeah. It’s pretty fucking rigged. Considering all of us wanted to prevent another murder from happening again, I doubted that somebody would restart this whole process. I knew that this was going to be a false promise that things would end smoothly, because hell, you’d really let us walk away with all this? I knew it was too good to be true.”

“To keep this going, for good measure, one last attempt to shut us all down again. To get rid of the last thing standing in your way… I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. You are fucking insane. All of this is fucked, you sick bastards.”

Although at END’s question, Kenshin sighs, resting his hand on the side of his face. “Unfortunately, I can’t help you. As soon as I made it to the hallway, my memory is just… blank. They probably tampered with it to create a false sense of something but, yeah, sorry about that.”

There, the look on his face grows serious. God all of this is so stressful, especially since the hosts keep trying to push them more and more into a corner, come up with some false conclusion. His eyes grow cold for a moment, gesturing to Akito.

“Akito’s being framed, and has been being framed. Hell, it all comes into place. Since they knew about Akito’s connection with the HPGB, it makes sense that they would want to throw him under the bus. The planting of the laptop to get eyes on this whole situation, framing it on the HPGB, painting it in such a light that they would host such a thing. You wanted to throw it under, to shut it down, and since you all have Ultimate connections, then you could easily connect your experiences.”

“The only problem is that having a whistleblower in your midst would completely throw off your plans, completely throw off all of your research. Having someone with the truth to shut down the framing would completely shatter everything, and possibly put your siblings in danger. And so, you had to get rid of him, and that’s why there’s so much evidence against Akito. You want us to kill him so you don’t have to, silencing him about ‘exposing what the HPGB is doing’.”

With that, a small, polite smile rests on his face, as his gaze turns toward Calluna. “Calluna, you said it yourself, didn’t you? You’ve found it harder for things to work out in you and your loved one’s favor unless extensive work is put into it. That you would prefer for none of your loved ones to take the fall, including yourself. You want to get out together. And with us having the knowledge of what’s going on, that would certainly be a challenge. Someone being around to shut down your plans… well-”

His smile shifts into a smirk. “This is your extensive work. This is everything you have done to make sure you and your loved ones don’t get dragged under. To cover your tracks, playing along with Akito’s ideas knowing that you’ll have to get rid of him so that you all will be safe. Besides, I certainly get it.”

“If something is threatening someone you love, wouldn’t that make you take action?”

Loved one’s motive seems to be something that can push him them towards killing.

He clears his throat, looking away. “With Erisu involved, An and Calluna would want to make sure she would get out alright. Besides, you were dodging a point a bit ago. Why clean up her body now with AION instead of after the trial? You only mentioned that AION does it, so you don’t have to be in the area. And besides, if there’s another excuse that falls into that now, you could have always used AION to just move Erisu’s unconscious body to another room, so she can wake up elsewhere while we think she has been cleaned up.”

At the mention of the missing vials, Kenshin nods. “They were missing when my group went to investigate it as well, as well as the ‘gun-like’ thing that was stored there. Now I’m not a medical professional, but could that be something to inject the vials that were missing? As such, it made sense for them to be taken in order to make it seem like she is dead. All of this is planned, after all.”

“Also, I must say, if one of the sisters wished to talk with one of their subjects, wouldn’t they inform the other one? You know, just in case something bad happened, say… A subject attacked the sister, stole their tablet, and rendered them immobile with a taser? I imagine after Kaguya they would be on high alert to protect each other, so the fact that Calluna was off doing jackshit while An talked with Erisu, expecting not much, reeks of bullshit. Of course you knew what was going on, otherwise the other sister would have been at the ready. But since it was your sister… then hey! Guess things are different.”

Kenshin rolls his eyes, propping himself up on the podium. “I’ve said it earlier. I’ve had enough of the eye for an eye bullshit. I’m convinced you are trying to get us to end someone who doesn’t have blood on their hands just because you need him to die so you all can succeed. I mean, I get it. You’re scared your loved ones will be hurt if you don’t, but making your kill count here 10 fucking people to subdue this fear is fucking insane. I don’t care what research you are doing, how this benefits whatever the fuck, or how you may bring even more people into this, I’ve had enough.”

He cools down for a moment, expression resting as a cool glare. All of this is so very tiring, all the covering up, the framing, making it seem like this is all for the sake of science and advancement. For the treatments they have gone through so the siblings can stay together… What the fuck.

And the argument that Erisu is still alive.

….yeah. It all fits together.

The cicada. Known for it’s annoying noises and irritation throughout the summer. And yet… how it symbolizes resurrection, immortality. Funny, how they wished to make it seem like that applied to Akito, and yet it lines up with Erisu perfectly. How it lines up with them all and their desperate struggle to keep all of them alive.

Kenshin’s gaze falls to the floor, laughing lightly. Forcing it out over how bullshit this all is. “You both keep dodging the subject, and it’s pissing us off. What, is this another one of your special cases? That we have to force the information out of you?” Hell, why not just say this shit costs an arm and a leg, you’ve already done so before! With a heavy sigh, he stands up straight.

“Advanced methods my ass. Is a fucked up system being rigged really so advanced? Come on, we’ve fucking had it by now. You can’t answer a yes or no question with your ‘advanced methods’? Just keep using your power to make it seem that way.”

Another harsh sigh. “I’ve fucking had it.”

[webwingalpha]

-screams-

I actually was working on my adopt I mentioned and my desktop decided to randomly restart in the middle of it.

I’m just going to thank Medibang for backup saving because I would have lost most if not all of it.

[mittensmorgul]

So since we know canonically and textually Cas was in love with Dean, when do you think Cas fell in love with Dean or even knew himself that he was in love?

heck, I know I've written about this in the past, but heck if I feel like going digging for those posts when I can just wail and cry about it again, you know? :'D

I do feel like those are two different questions, though. I mean, even going back to s5-- "I'm hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you." is... pretty intense for not having ~some kinda feelings~ for someone, you know? Even if he interpreted it as "duty" or whatever an angel would label their loyalty and faith placed in a person, it's... still pretty dang intense. Love though? Maybe in the angelic sense that they all claimed to love God and Serve Heaven and the like. Still, there's an obligation of duty overlaid on whatever a human might label "love."

And I think that goes back even earlier, to s4 when he was first experiencing these incredibly confusing emotions. 4.07 and confessing his concerns and confusion to Dean, 4.16 and uncovering the tip of the iceberg of the rot in Heaven's power structure, which could obviously explain his actions and his choice to follow Dean's lead rather than Heaven's, but at the very latest he literally overcame heaven torture brainwashing to choose Dean again in 4.22. If this wasn't due to those pesky "emotions" they labeled "doorways to doubt" in 4.16, then I don't know what else it could be. Though again, I don't think Cas would've framed it that way at the time.

Even in s5 when he fell dangerously close to being human himself, I think he was too terrified about what that could mean for him to even admit to himself what he was feeling, you know? That will all change later...

His motivations in s6-- seeking power to quash a rebellion in Heaven determined to restart the apocalypse which would drag Dean back onto the cosmic stage-- was entirely about protecting Dean, keeping him safe so he could live his normal human life. Cas effectively destroyed himself trying to save Dean from having to suffer any of that again. But again, I don't think he would've framed it as being an act of love, or that his motivations were based on feelings of love yet. It was just "the right thing to do." Even if every other character repeatedly pointed out that he was compromised by his feelings for Dean-- Crowley, Balthazar, Rachel... even if Cas didn't want to see their point, it was getting harder to deny.

After coming back from the dead yet again and then taking on Sam's hell damage, he reverted to a state of deep denial about everything, it was Dean's confirmation that forgiveness was even possible between them after the events of s6 that began to change things. And then "abandoning" Dean in purgatory only to offer himself as bait to keep the Leviathans away from Dean, to keep him safe. Again willing to sacrifice himself if it meant Dean could be okay, and completely not getting that Dean wasn't okay with that (and why).

I think in s9, when he was briefly human, he was finally able to actually feel all his own feelings, couldn't run from them or suppress them or make excuses for them. Until he had to give it up, because duty called again....

and yeah, I think on some level, that's when Cas actually *knew* and understood he was in love with Dean, but like the taste of a PBJ, it just... was impossible to fully feel and appreciate once he took on that stolen grace again. But he still *knew* it was true, despite having a tool (his grace) through which he could push it to the side (sort of like Dean just pushed his own feelings down as well). But I enjoy the abject pain of thinking of it in these terms :'D

[xxtha-blog]

Why Emotionless Ink is Not The ‘Evil’ Ink in Underverse

I refuse to be told this any more, I’m putting my foot down, multiple paragraphs in coming.

There’s this common interpreation in Underverse, emotionless Ink is evil. I’m here to give you not one, but two different reasons I think this is completely wrong.

First off, if I can prove Ink is not evil at all, obviously his emotionless self will not be evil either.

So, reason number 1

Is Ink Evil in Underverse?

I argue, it all depends on your perspective.

Ink is working alongside XGaster because he was shown to have the ability to create new stories without creating new AUs or timelines. This was extremely appealing to Ink, as the truce he had made with Error: no creation, no destruction, meant this multiverse was essentially stuck in stasis. For someone like Ink, who lives off creativity, but also protects AUs, you can imagine how painful this was. So someone who could essentially ‘work around’ the truce was incredibly intruiging and Ink became friends or at least partners with XGaster for this purpose.

Both XGaster and Ink do not see other characters as ‘people’. They see them like we do. Characters. If you look at them through the eyes of the characters, trying to overwrite the multiverse and change the lives of millions of characters. Pretty evil. I mean, the entirety of the Xtale series explores the long lasting effects, the mental emotional impacts of character’s entire lives being controlled and manipulated over and over and over again, and them learning it happened. It’s what drove Cross to murder everyone in an attempt to free them all.

But from our perspective? From a creator’s perspective? Is that not what we do every single day? Play with these characters lives over and over and over again. Put them increasingly horrible situations just see their reactions. Are we not Ink and XGaster? Striving for better stories, or in their case a perfect one, regardless of the characters it hurts? That’s the question Ink and XGaster’s morality poses. Does supporting their cause make them profoundly immoral/evil or does it make them us. Are we evil? Obviously not. They’re just characters. But that’s exactly what these two think. So are they evil?

But that's not all, Ink also has a secondary motive to this beyond his own gain. A major underlying plot thread of Underverse is creators are abandoning his multiverse. It's dying!! This huge story with XGaster is a bid to restart and reinvigorate creator creativity. He's trying to save the literal multiverse's existence at the cost of whatever XGaster has planned.

Now, reason number two.

If you still say yes, Ink is evil for supporting the creation of XGaster’s perfect universe no matter who it hurts, I move to my second argument, which disregards whether or not you think Ink is evil in general, and says:

Okay, but him being emotionless does not change that in any significant way

Ink did become emotionless so he wouldn’t regret it, that is correct, but that is a choice his emotion-feeling self made. His emotion feeling self made the choice to become emotionless to accomplish this. His emotion feeling self was the one who supported this in the first place, and the only reason he needed to become emotionless was because he didn’t want anything to prevent him from making this happen, any doubts. If his emotionless self was the evil self, it would have been the one to make this decision, in contrary to his emotion self, but it is his emotion self that choose to do and support the things people may consider immoral. His emotionless self has no role to play in these decisions, it is merely a byproduct of the choices Ink makes. An emotionless person is no more capable of being ‘evil’ than someone who feels emotions, and to suggest the only reason Ink did what he did was because he was emotionless, is to ignore the motivations and desires of his character long before he became so. Feeling or not feeling doubt is not something that makes someone good or evil, feeling any emotion is not what makes someone immoral. It is the choice to either act on to or disregard those emotions in support of something immoral that makes someone evil. And that’s something Ink makes long before he’s emotionless, and something the emotionless side of him has no part in, as, if Ink wasn’t evil before he was emotionless, he can’t suddenly become evil because he is emotionless now. There’s no gain or loss of motivation to make an ‘evil’ decision there. He literally feels nothing. Any goals his emotionless self has have to carry over from his normal self. If Ink didn’t want to support XGaster in the first place and became emotionless, he wouldn’t suddenly gain the desire to join him. There would have to be immoral thoughts before he became emotionless, which he know is true, meaning the emotionless side of him isn’t suddenly ‘the evil one’. It’s just a means to an end for Ink. If you want to call Ink evil, that’s fine, but his emotionless self is not the evil one in comparison to his emotion self. In that case, he’s just evil.

This is why the idea ‘emotionless Ink is the evil one’ is in my opinon, a very wrong interpretation of his character.

[zodiyack]

Brahms + Bubba With a Chaotic Male S/o Would Include...

Requested by anon: Heyo b, just wanna request how brahms and bubba would react to a male s/o with chaotic energy :-)

Pairing: Brahms Heelshire x male!reader, Bubba Sawyer x male!reader

Warnings: Swearing, slasher stuffs, I think that’s it

Taglist: @matth1w​, @redspaceace​, @darling-i-read-it​

Masterlist | Slasher Masterlist

Brahms Heelshire

Let’s have a contest

who’s more chaotic-

Brahms could honestly have a lot of fun with you

but lets talk about your lives before stinky wall boi said ‘ello in person

He first is puzzled with you

normally he had female nannies, but a change was something he could learn to deal with

and possibly even like

soon enough, he grew to like the man taking care of his doll

You’re alone, so there isn’t much to be chaotic with besides the younger glass version of the man living in the walls

in other words, he has yet to witness your true chaos

But boy OOOOOH booy, he’s in for a surprise

of course, he has noticed little hints...

You mumble to yourself sometimes, then laugh with an embarrassed expression, which causes him to wonder if you know he’s there

why else would you be embarrassed? if no one’s there, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, right?

running through the halls with socks on tho, it’s a must, chaotic or not

there’s many other sneak-peaks he gets of your chaos, but he truly learns about it after he’s revealed and you guys get together

Sometimes, he thinks he feels what the past nannies have felt

“Y/n-” “Y/n-” “Y/n! Stop moving and just listen!”

grouchy wall boi doesn’t want to play anymore

He never thought he’d ever be the one to get tired out, only tire others out

However, that only motivates him

He’s absolutely determined to tire you out

like- you have no fucking idea how much effort he’s prepared to give

It’d be nice to let him win sometimes- just sayin’

To be 100% honest, he’s never been as chaotic as he is now that you’re here

he’s sure his parents would call you a bad influence if they were still alive, but he could care less. they gave you to him, so they can get over it

If you’re calm for .01 seconds, Brahms’ will imediatly assume something’s either up, wrong, or that you’re just broken completely

not emotional broken,

like literally broken

where tf is the instruction manual? Brahms needs to find the restart button on his Y/n...

Yeah, he’s just beyond horrified. So if you ever calm down, don’t do it in front of him

like I said, calm you = anxious Brahms

he knows that you’re chaotic, he knows almost HOW chaotic you are, so you being “normal” is pretty scary to him

Grocery Boy: Y/n? I’ve got a new delievery-

Brahms: *towering over the boy, point to you*

You: *sitting calmly on the couch, enjoying a noice book*

Brahms: fix this.

Grocery Boy: *pissing himself in horror as the tall stinky wall bitch demands he fixes you*

the poor boy probably never made it out alive...

ON A HIGHER NOTE, Brahms doesn’t doubt you for a second when it comes to self defense- but he does believe you’ll need a little teaching from the master...

Brahms: like this... *walks silently in the walls*

You: Oooh... like.. this? *copies him*

Sneak: Level 100

Brahms: *proud mother moment*

Overall, Brahms is pretty happy with you. Take away the intimidation he feels from you, the need for speed being more chaotic than you, and the grump attitude he’ll give you if you prove to be more of a mischievous little rat than he is, and you’ve got yourself a happy wall boyo

Bubba Sawyer

Well look at that-

You fit right in to the Sawyer fam!

The Sawyer family absolutely loves you

Well...

It’ll take a bit to get Drayton to like you fully, but Chop Top’s better and he’s the supportive big brother, so it doesn’t really matter

Chop Top hangs out with you a lot

Bubba is embarrassed by the fear of what his big brother is telling you

could he be talking about anything personal involving Bubba?

Lets be honest, before the family met you, Bubba was acting off

Chop Top nagged at Bubba to figure out what was wrong, but this one night at dinner, he definitely caught Bubba’s attention

“Bubba? Bubba? Is it a girl problem? Dating problems?”

Bubba’s head flew up from his hunched position, relieved it didn’t fly off with how fast it happened

Chop Top slowly processed Bubba’s actions, then came to a conclusion with a wide mischievous smile

“BUBBA’S GOT A GIRLFRIEND! BUBBA’S GOT A GIRLFRIEND”

his chant was highly annoying, not to mention dreadfully embarrassing

When Bubba finally allows you to meet his family, Chop is the first to speak

“Well that’s a little new-”

He was expecting a girlfriend, but hey, as I’ve said, Chop is the most supportive big brother known to Texas so-

“Which one of yous is the bottom?”

cue Bubba having one of his nervous moments

“Do you even have to ask?” Drayton adds from his chair

Bubba’s even more blushy and squirmy

Dinner goes alright that night, and you’ve managed to hold off the chaos, but the next visit comes around you’ve decided you just don’t give a bloody damn.

All hell breaks lose when Chop and you are together

Drayton: Where’s Y/n?

Bubba: *shrugs*

Drayton: Where’s Chop Top?

Bubba: *shrugs*

Drayton:

Drayton: Oh god-

Loud clatter sounds through the entry

Chop Top and you: YEEEHAW MOTHERFUCKERS

Basically, if you’re chaotic and dating Bubba, you might as well be Chop Top’s new bestie

BUT BACK TO BUBBA

He admires it

admires you

and really admires the chaos you create tbh

If you end up being fine with...le cannibalism, then I assume you’re fine with le “myrrh-dur”

if you don’t know the reference, keep the spelling of murder (myrrh-dur) in mind pls... thank you

So, if you are fine with all that, you likely end up helping the family

Although, Bubba is hesitant to let you get your hands dirty

in the end, he caves and watches you do a little kill la killing with adoration visible in his orbs

Chop doesn’t even need to teach you shit, you’re just that chaotic.

You: I brought you myrrh..

Victim: Thank you...

You: MYRRH-DUR!!

Victim: *gasps* JUDAS!

please, someone get that

You def “borrow” Bubba’s chainsaw

by borrow I mean, he won’t see it for a couple weeks ‘cause the chaos has yet to end

I really did just try to give you some kinda codename lmfao

That’s it. That’s all I can say. Like, to sum it up, 1) you fit in REALLY well, 2) Chop loves you and is upset Bubba never brought you sooner, and 3, Drayton’s an ass but knows full well that Bubba’s a bottom..

okay, ignore number three 😂

[hectabdr]

Dragon Raja IV - Chapters 11 & 12 (Abridged)

Hi everyone!

Today's chapters are a little slower than the previous ones, but they have a lot of insight on Nono, Luminous and the nature of their relationship. I also kept more of the original dialog for the same reason.

BTW, this is the point where the illustrations suddenly stopped for some reason so... No more drawings :P

Previous chapters.

Chapter 11

A girl waited in the top lobby of the Black Prince International Financial Center. At 21 years old, Tu Xiaojiao was already known as the "Sophie Marceau of China". She was in that building to meet the legendary "Master Shao", the inheritor of this powerful organization. If anyone else in the world made Miss Tu wait for more than half an hour, she would leave the place immediately, but Mr. Shao was different, he could offer her the role of her life, so she decided to stay in the waiting room.

When the receptionist finally allowed her to enter Shao's office, she found him next to the window, reading a poem out loud. She had to wait for him to finish for fifteen minutes, her high heels started making her feet feel numb, wondering if he was mocking her, Shao didn't even notice her presence. To her dismay, once he finally saw her in his office, it didn't make much of a difference, since Shao only had one topic in his mind, his adored senior was back.

Miss Tu tried to be polite, and asked to know more about this "senior" girl. When Shao was younger, he had a girlfriend, she was actually one year younger than him, but she demanded to be referred as his senior and he obsessed over her for the rest of his life. He even showed miss Xiaojiao a picture of himself and his senior back when they were a couple. Tu Xiaojiao was confused, in the tiny photograph, there were two children, one looked like Shao and by his side, there was a girl who seemed completely indifferent towards him. This was cut from a kindergarten group photo, and he carried it in his wallet ever since.

Shao had everything at his disposal since he was born, his focus in the entertainment industry was nothing but a hobby. He could visit any place that he wanted, he could buy any piece of clothing and of course, he could date some of the most beautiful women in the world. But he didn't want any of them as his wife. The woman of his life had to be someone who would make him beg for her affection, someone who would make him kneel in her presence. The only woman who could make that to him, was Chen Motong.

Every time that Miss Chen came back to the country, he felt like a five year old all over again, but getting her heart wouldn't be an easy task. She acted cold and demanding, when she arrived he asked her out for dinner but she just wanted to borrow a car from him and left. He heard about an Italian man, apparently her boyfriend and he couldn't learn anything else about him, it was driving him crazy, but he received some information that brought some hope back into his eyes. Miss Chen had a friend in town, and he was in the hospital. Shao left his office with Miss Tu in it, on his way to meet Mr Luminous.

Young Lu was also disheartened because of Nono, although, his reasons were different. His 91st attempt to save her also ended in failure. When he realized that they were once again going to die, Nono desperately tried to make him react, but he lazily waited in the car seat for the whole scenario to restart, frustrated and annoyed, as the gravity of the situation slowly became less palpable. He looked to his side and saw Nono's face looking at him. Her expression was as ruthless as ever but in her eyes he saw deep sadness, he almost felt like hugging her before they died but the simulation ended. To him, death meant that he would have to start all over again, but for Nono, every single time it meant a genuine end.

To interrupt his depression, a young, short, overweight man entered his room. He called himself a friend of Miss Chen and Luminous thought for a second that she sent him there to get him out of the hospital, but Shao was there to speak.

He started making questions, in particular, who was this Italian scumbag that he heard about? Tragically for him, Luminous spoke highly of Caesar's fortune, personality and actions, and to make matters worse, he wasn't only Chen's boyfriend, but her fiancé.

A depressed Shao proceeded to tell an anecdote from his childhood. When he was studying in the United Kingdom, Shao felt belittled next to ehe aristocratic children that studied with him, so he started bragging about his own family's wealth and promising other kids money for listening to him, when he tried to show off in front of Nono, she beat him up and told him to call her "Senior Sister".

The school's Rugby matches also got violent, Shao played aggressively, so the other kids retaliated against his attitude by deliberately kicking him in the face and hitting him with the ball. His front teeth got broken as there was no coach present to stop them. He sat down on the grass, defeated, when Nono took his place in the match, she fearlessly rushed into a defense of fifteen boys while Shao swore to his heart that one day he would marry that girl, even if he had to kneel and crawl in front of her.

Shao compared himself to the protagonist form "The Great Gatsby", who desperately needed to be with his love interest, Miss Daisy.

-Why should a girl be with a man who needs her?

She should be with a man she needs. My senior sister doesn't need me, I am the one who needs her.

Before Shao left, Luminous reminded him of a scene in "Journey to the West" where Tang Sanzang found a silly monkey who lived behind a waterfall. The cowardly monkey recognized Tang's strength and left his hidden home to follow him around the world. There are two types of monkeys in the world, the smart ones that can survive out there on their own, and the silly ones, who need a master they look up to.

Shao understood his metaphor and he felt encouraged. Realizing he could trust the strange mental patient enough to untie one of his hands, Shao gave Luminous a can of beer and they toasted. When Shao left, Luminous took a syringe from the side table and injected himself with more sedatives. This was his 92nd attempt.

Shao returned to his office, motivated and lively.

-I met a new brother today!

He encouraged me to come back here, he's a philosopher and his words are very touching!

People living in mental hospitals are all experts in this kind of stuff.

He realized that he left without saying goodbye to Miss Tu, but his apology wasn't answered, because the girl in his office was Nono. She was drinking, looking tired, she didn't wear any makeup and silently stared at the window.

Shao was determined to win her over, but Nono answered most of his questions briefly and coldly. She didn't want to speak with him, she was just there to return the car keys and now she wanted to leave.

Shao's pitiful voice tone softened her attitude a little so she asked him for some gin with ice. Nono drank the whole glass in one sip and asked for a refill. She had another glass, and another.

- Senior sister, is someone bullying you?

- Who could possibly bully me?

- Usually no one, but aren't you engaged now?

- Caesar wouldn't do that, don't worry about it, just take care of yourself.

- Are you really going to marry an Italian? Those guys spend their money so recklessly!

- Could you give me a better reason not to marry him? Who are you to say those things? Stop messing around and just confess your intentions.

- I'm your boyfriend from kindergarten! If you gave me a chance instead I could be endlessly more confident and...

- You? "Endless"? Nono was so angry that she laughed.

Shao Kneeled and asked Nono to be his girlfriend instead. He kneeled in one knee, so she asked him to kneel on both like he used to, and he did, but not for begging, he used to do so as punishment. Nono didn't like his subservient attitude.

- We were just classmates, I was wrong to treat you so hardly, but you don't have to hold on to me, I am engaged and you could marry just anyone.

Shao kept begging, Nono deflected every single one of his arguments until he recited Luminous's "Journey to the west" reference. His delivery was incredible, but she had no reaction to it, she looked at her glass with tired eyes. She got up on her feet and entered the elevator.

After she left, Shao was avidly celebrating, he interpreted her reaction as progress and showed off in front of his employees.

Nono stopped at a small ramen restaurant to warm up her rain-soaked body. Chu Tianjiao was her last clue and she lost it. If Luminous was actually sick, why didn't she give up on him yet?

Why did she feel the need to insist on his case? This wasn't only about her, every moment she spent in the middle of nowhere, escaping from the secret party, she got Caesar in trouble. How was she supposed to explain this to them?

She had to admit that she cared too much about Luminous's well-being. She wouldn't doubt to give him her diving suit, she immediately called him last year when she and Caesar were overwhelmed by Scythe ferrets to warn him of the impending danger and now that the whole world was against him, she kept insisting on proving his sanity. Regarding his feelings for her, she comforted herself with positive thoughts. Who didn't have a crush on a senior girl at some point in his life?

Zero was great for him, so was Isabelle, if she had known Erii in person, Nono would have considered them to be "such a fucking perfect match".

Over the last few years, this petty boy had grown up, he became more energetic, better dressed and gained so much experience, yet he kept holding on to her. She left Shao's office without saying a word because she recognized those words belonged to Luminous. They were about Luminous.

- Chen motong, you're such a fool, you messed everything up.

Chapter 12

An exhausted Su Xiaoyao leaned back on her office chair, she had spent a long day on work meetings and in the middle of the night her phone kept ringing. This was her life ever since she had to leave school to take over her father's business. She had gained some weight ever since but no one really cared, she was still one of the top bachelorettes in the city and she had just accepted a blind date, excited to take a break.

During the student reunion, seeing Luminous made her cry a little. It wasn't because she used to have a crush on him during their high school years, she just realized that those carefree days would never repeat themselves. Back in the day, she and the other girls used to sit on the basketball courts to see Luminous play basketball. Even the air felt different.

Su took her high heels off and put her feet on her desk to take a quick nap, but her phone interrupted her attempt to display an urgent text message. It was Liu Miaomiao, her old rival in love.

- Su Xiaoyao, find a way to get here, quick! They put our senior brother in a mental hospital!

Game level: Gungir light, 101st load.

- So, where did you get that rocket launcher again?

- I found it under the seat...

The whole fight seemed extremely rehearsed by now, Luminous always knew exactly where to shoot, it almost looked like he could predict the future.

- Did you learn that in your special training? I want to take that special training too!

Nono slowly became the most problematic element in the simulations, she didn't retain her memories after every attempt like he did. This was probably the first time Luminous felt something other than absolute admiration towards her, she became a little annoying, but he couldn't really blame her. They got in the car and tried to escape, but one of the tires was damaged.

- Are you hungry? I just found some nuts in this car!

He knew Nono was trying to calm him but he was still a little anxious, he repeated the steps to replace the tire in his mind but the car-wheel escaped his hands and rolled over the highway.

His tantrum surprised Nono, who dropped her snacks all over the floor. Ming·Z paused time and got out of the car.

He noticed that Luminous asked to reset his last six attempts instead of waiting for his death, he seemed far more tired than usual after his conversation with Shao, it made him reflect about his feelings for Nono to the point of getting distracted in battle.

- First of all, I'm not the only monkey that she brought out from the waterfall, second, I am the one who needs her, she doesn't need me.

- Brother, I expected you to regret going to Cassell College, you wouldn't be so sad otherwise.

- I don't regret it, if I hadn't gone to Cassell College, I wouldn't know my senior brother nor my senior sister or the boss, nor would I know Finger, the Japanese "Lonesome George" brothers... And Erii.

Luminous ignored Ming·Z's snarky remarks and got a better hold of his feelings.

- I always ran after my senior sister, I like her so much that it makes me very sad that I can't be with her. Caesar was born with everything, he could have married any girl he liked but he picked the only one I cared about.

Suddenly I realized that I'm wrong, that was just wishful thinking on my part.

There are more people for me out there, Erii liked me, but Nono was the only one I had eyes for. Nono doesn't need me, I'm the one who feels at ease when I follow her, like she'll feel relieved when she marries the boss. She wouldn't feel like that if she were with me and to pursue her is to act on my most selfish side, why did my senior brother support me?

- Your senior brother wasn't that upright, don't you think?

- Finally, are you willing to admit that he's real?

- Okay okay, Johann Chu really does exist, but there is something wrong with him and you need to get him back"

- Then I'm relieved.

Ming·Z confirmed more things, the city was closed on all exits due to the weather conditions and the Nibelungen was invading their reality on a large scale.

- Thank you, Ming·Z·Lu. Why do you call yourself Ming·Z? You deliberately used my cousin's name"

- No, my name is Ming·Z·Lu, there has always been a Ming·Z·Lu in your life and that's me, not the fat boy in your uncle's house.

Luminous went back to the car, picked the dozens of floating snacks and put them back in Nono's palm one by one.

- Sister, don't worry, you will be fine, I will definitely find a way, I changed my mind, I will attend your wedding, I'll see you in your white dress holding orange flowers, walking on a red carpet full of happiness... Maybe you should throw the bouquet in my direction.

Three girls were sobbing next to his bed when he woke up, Chen Wenwen was the first face he recognized, followed by Su Xiaoyao and Liu Miaomiao. Su was one of the most influential persons in town, so she demanded that her old classmate got released from the hospital.

They took him out on a car and decided to stop on a luxurious bar. They all felt a little insecure about what they were wearing, so Su Xiaoyao asked her driver to bring them their old school uniforms.

Sitting at the bar, after multiple drinks, the girls kept reminiscing of their old days in high school, Luminous past in this reality was the same as Johann's, including his Saxophone recitals at the cultural festivals. He used to envy Johann so much back then...

He stood up and told everyone that he was going to the bathroom, but he changed back to his normal clothes and got out of the bar. A man with a motorized tricycle was waiting for potential passengers outside and Luminous gave him his expensive watch as insurance for borrowing his small vehicle.

He drove all the way to the Number 10 highway and entered the Nibelungen again. Odin was waiting for him far away, he didn't say a word but he slowly raised his lance. Luminous turned around and left the god's prison.

Back in his old apartment, Finger had befriended Luminous's aunt and kept doing shores for her. Nono came back to the place and they argued about their course of action.

- If I had known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have rescued him from that theater.

- Feels like you stepped in bubble gum and you can't take it off.

Finger suddenly left the room and came back with the news, Luminous had left the hospital with three old classmates. Nono grabbed an umbrella and ran out. She knew the bar and she knew about Su Xiaoyao, they weren't going to be hard to find.

By the time she arrived, the three girls were arguing after Luminous left. They actually tried to blame each other, the way they admired him was surprising to Nono. Suddenly, Luminous came back and justified his absence by saying that he went to a convenience store to get something to eat.

Nono watched them from the dark, feeling really stupid, there was a strange obsession that she couldn't let go of. In fact, she should have driven away the silly monkey that pestered her long ago, the more she helped him, the more he would rely on her. This wasn't good for any of them, but she couldn't bear to refuse.

She was afraid that he would end up crying alone in the wilderness, where no one could listen to him. She hoped that one day he could become one of those smart monkeys who run around happily, but maybe this silly monkey was smart from the beginning and she was pitying someone who didn't really need her.

She strolled under the heavy rain, her clothes were soaking and stuck to her body, it was a long way back to the uncle's house but she wanted to walk alone. She felt colder and colder and for the first time in her life she missed the Golden Iris Academy. She felt like going to a ramen stand again but there were no businesses in sight, however, there was a phone booth.

One call, that's all she needed to give away her location, Caesar made her memorize an emergency number long ago, it was the right thing to do, the person she should trust the most in this situation was not Finger or Luminous, but Caesar. Dialing felt like betraying her old classmates, but she started pressing the numbers.

"No, no, no, no, no, don't be like this, don't be like this"

Subconsciously, she looked aside and saw a small boy in the rain, looking at her from the other side of the glass. What was such a young boy doing out there on his own?

He was delicate and beautiful, like a porcelain doll.

- Are you looking for me? She asked.

The expressionless face of the boy slowly got horrifyingly distorted by the raindrops on the glass. She couldn't breathe due to an overwhelming sadness, so she opened the door but the boy was not there anymore. She took the calling card out of the booth and hanged up the phone.

Rome, Italy.

Caesar was waiting in front of a phone, he was under a lot of pressure, but the moment he received Nono's call, all of his problems would be over, yet the phone was silent.

The family elders felt like Luminous had stolen something that belonged to their heir, so they suggested that he cancelled his marriage.

- No, there are only two people in this world who can dissolve that engagement, Nono and me.

To avoid being put under heavy suspicion, he had to act calm and decisive, like he did a few days ago, when he released the monsters from the ice cellar to find the fugitives. Parsi entered the room and informed Caesar about the worsening weather conditions in Beijing, this type of climate phenomenons usually signaled the awakening of powerful dragons.

Luminous, the never-existing Johann Chu, the grim reaper, it was all starting to make sense. Caesar instructed Parsi to prepare his private jet and his desert eagles, he also dissuaded Parsi from going with him. At the lionheart club, president Babru informed the former president and dragon slayer Abdullah Abbas that Caesar wanted to team up with him to hunt the dragon down.

Intrigued, Abdullah accepted and instructed everyone to get ready.

To be continued, final update on Monday.

[mollyphoria]

(off my chest post.)

As soon as I turned the age of 27 last year it was like I've been awaken from a cruel false dream. I opened my eyes then boom I see 27 years of my life laid out in front of me wasted. Yes it took 27 effin years for me to wake up. I wasted all this years and now I'm suffering the consequences of not following my heart, now I'm suffering the repercussions for not realising my dreams sooner as well as pursuing them. I don't believe in myself enough to stand for what I really want so I let society dictate me. I dont love myself enough to believe that I have the capabilities to follow my dreams, luck wasn't on my side too,the odds were never in my favor. So yes I guess I blame both myself and the circumstances given to me on why I failed in life. I failed myself. Society failed me. The system failed me. Oh how I envy people who were able to realise their dreams when they were a kid. these people mostly turns out to be the successful ones in life while I'm left in shambles of not knowing what to do or having such a huge dream I knew I would never reach it. I wanted to become a supermodel but I'm not pretty and tall enough plus I'm from a country not supported by society on having supermodels. Then I wanted to be a rock star. Touring the world, playing the guitar, performing on stage. I can probably make this happen but once again I don't believe in myself and lack of support from family/society was what made this dream seem to get more impossible. I would like to pursue the arts anything from singing, dancing,writing ,painting,drawing etc but I let myself be influenced by what our society drills in my head everyday that there's no money with any of these endeavours so I never got serious to try to achieve greatness from these "useless, juvenile" dreams and plus you need God-given talent to qualify pursuing the arts and I don't have an ounce of it.

So as time goes by I continued to grow older like a dead leaf flailing around in the wind without a specific direction but downwards. But deep-rooted in my soul I knew what I wanted but I chose to stupidly ignore that little voice in my heart that tells me what to do. I to this day continue to beat myself up why I haven't even tried to listen to myself.

So what I did was to completely surrender myself to settle for a lesser,smaller dream that I could possibly reach according to the circumstances I'm handed with

I took up a course in college that I felt at the time would be something I would enjoy and easy,cheap enough to simply graduate and have that diploma just for the sake of it. When I got into the real world and became a full pledge adult for the first time ever I got hit by depression and that's when I first acknowledge that I'm not made for this at all but what I did instead of abandoning it was to try again and aim higher which is to have my own wings and to fly high in the sky and see the world. I held on to that dream. I went to school again. For a moment I had a purpose and for the first time I had direction. I thought I found myself as I try to get those wings. I thought that this will be my redemption. I made myself to believe that I'm meant to do this. I went above and beyond to achieve success. But alas I continued to be the chosen reject and once again odds weren't exactly on my favor and I have given up by the time I'm 27 years old. This is when it all crashed down on me I was chasing a dream gone dead all those years and basically wasted my youth as a result and gained nothing at the end. And I have to admit that i somewhat resent God for putting this dream to flourish in my heart but never gave me a breakthrough to even achieve it. I was left beaten and destroyed. I slaved myself away for nothing, experienced all those sufferings for nothing. I got nothing for all those sacrifices and hardwork I did. Literally all those blood,sweat and tears were for absolutely nothing at the end. I was utterly broken down,my heart was utterly crushed nothing left but broken pieces and a whirlpool of regret. If even this small, mediocre dream I settle myself for is still unattainable for me then my life is no longer worth living. I then proceed to wallow on self pity and resentment and went down to the worst depression I've ever experience in my life. Tears kept on falling like faucets in my eyes. Every streak of effort, energy, motivation ,hope left my body,mind and soul altogether. I turned ultimately dead inside. I don't have anything left in me to even pretend to continue fighting my way into this world. I can't even help myself to help myself. it's like I already died and what was left is just a hollow husk of my former self.

At 27 yrs old i went back to zero. I'm left with nothing to hope for, I didn't gain anything from all the things I went through. After Having the painful knowledge that the journey I made for myself all throughout my teenage to mid twenties is only to become of worthless dust and vomit at the end it made me inevitably bitter about life in general. I started acknowledging thoughts of dying for real. How I realized that it's better to be dead than to be alive, how I wish to have never been born at all. I missed all of these opportunities to win in life and I felt like giving up. Because Life is Suffering nothing more nothing less we will continue to suffer coz that whats life for this is the true meaning of life we are just put here to live so we can suffer and I'm not cut out for it I'm too weak to even restart again.

I realized alot of things. When I was a kid I was always looking forward to the future. I was foolishly, completely convinced that my life will get better as I get older and now that I'm older it turned out to be such a stupid thought coz life didn't get better it only gotten worse and it could only get worst from here on out.

Starting now I shouldn't hope for things to change for the better. It's dangerous to have a false hope and I swear to myself that I wouldn't let myself be fueled by false hope anymore.

And now that it's October I will turn a year older unless I cease to exist first.

I'm honestly scared of the future, now that I can see the true essence of it in its whole entirety.

At 28 I'm running out of time.

I missed the chance to get my life stable.

At 28 I'm entirely clueless on how to get my shit together and I don't even think I have the strength to improve myself. I felt like I just don't care anymore.

At 28 I should have already bought my mother a new house instead I'm stuck and rotting away in a room at her own old house.

At 28 I'm still miserable asf

Still bitter asf

Still dumb asf

Still doubtful asf

Still a loser asf

Let me discuss the thoughts I have about this song 28 of Agust D. This song single handedly describes the anxiety I feel for getting older. The fact that the age he pertained on the title of this song is 28 exactly the age I'm about to turn into soon just solidifies the strong grip it acquired to hold my heart and soul. I felt extremely lucky to turn 28 at the same year with someone as genius as him (tho his 27 international age) nevertheless I'm thankful about this.

Tho there are things that I'm honestly confuse about him having the same fears with someone like me who's a nobody without any single awards, recognitions, accolades or any kind of impact to the world, who's not loved and praised by millions nor have millions of money in my bank account, who doesn't have a big house,big cars nor big rings.

It baffles the living daylights out of me that a person like Min Yoongi who achieved so much in life would feel scared about not knowing his dreams is really about as he gets older. He basically achieved every single one of the dreams I have for myself. His overly set for life that his great great great great great grandchildren will be also set for life. His life wasn't the same like before. His life changed for the better . He earns millions of money by doing what he loves at such a young age. He simply won in life.

We are both 28 but the life I'm bestowed in is the utmost opposite of the life his bestowed in. I'm at the loser end of the spectrum while his in the winner side yet we share somewhat the same fears and anxiety about having to grow older.

This made me question if happiness is really just an illusion. well the genuine authentic euphoric kind of happiness.

Is existence all really just a one big mess with occasional ephemeral pleasure?

If a person who accomplished so much at only 28 still feels depression what's left for me then should I just go kill myself?

Alot of the reasons why I got into this level of depression is because I didn't fulfill anything Yoongi fulfilled.well I'm not really into fame so much but i hope i succeeded on not having to worry about whether I could buy a house or rent an apartment. Yoongi could buy a building for himself while I can't even afford a bedspace of my own

Yoongi could travel the whole world in a whim while I'm mostly stuck in the same place

The stark contrast of our lives is so immense I cant even get my head wrapped around it

My only dillema is that I'm afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live

It's been proven to me now that living in this world is not really living at all it's just purely surviving and I can't deal with this

I'd rather die than to be a slave to the system. And it seems like I don't even have a choice maybe to disappear is the only way out

I'm just not cut out with the cards I've been dealt with

If only I could voluntarily pull my existence out of here then I would do it in a heartbeat

I wish there is a stop button from all of these

[hyperionswrath--archived]

@onepartbrave​

Of all the places he could choose to be right now, Squall would be a damned terrible liar if he stated he wasn’t content with his current placement. Warmed inside by the alcohol burning its way through his system, but also by the exceptional radiator Seifer was turning out to be. He wasn’t going to mention what kept his face heated as that was unnecessary and annoying. Blushing like a goddamned starstruck fan meeting their celebrity crush, or whatever… And yes, he blatantly ignored the feeling of a wandering digit that grazed over the back of his neck. Likely another accident that he didn’t need to overthink.

Alcohol made him sloppy, so he stuck that assumption on Seifer, too. The reasonable brushes of hands or knees when Squall shifted again was acceptable, anticipated. No two people could perch so close without such consequence.

…So why am I literally using him as a pillow? And why hasn’t he complained yet?

Safe to say, Squall had been expecting some form of roughhousing—a playful nudge, a boot to his shin, getting shoved off the bench entirely—yet nothing arrived. No motion disturbed the sense of peace he attained and that was unlike Seifer as a whole. The man lived to strike outrage into others and jam every button he could find repeatedly. A snider, more vigilant part of his mind suggested the blond was waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike, when Squall’s guard was decimated entirely and could be hit hard without rebuttal. Frankly, he ignored it and chomped another portion of the bread away. He was so over living in paranoia. Couldn’t he just… enjoy the comfort and serenity?

Far more confident in his actions than he was mere moments ago, Squall hummed an agreeable noise when Seifer’s query reached his ears. He was more than good. Letting go of the hectic life for one night assisted with the feeling, but what completed it was not doing it alone. Astounding still was his actual company, but even in his sober mind, he wouldn’t question it. A prompt inside suggested he return the sentiment and inquire after the blond’s state of mind. “You?”

From how he was reclined, all he needed do to view the man was tilt his head back and chin up. Colour him exceptionally startled upon doing so and finding Seifer already leaning down closer to him. Owlishly wide slate-blues stared up, breathing all but a brief distant memory as his chest constricted with the same feeling he got earlier. Indescribable, confusing and very much unsettling. He detested not comprehending what flowed through his conscience but hadn’t the motivation or determination to do anything except… stare. Awkwardly. Blinking more than the norm, he restarted his respiration when his lungs began to complain and uttered an intelligent, “Huh—I—sorry,” before moving away completely.

Face feeling akin to a thousand suns, he clenched his hands into sporadic fists, unfortunately squashing the bread piece in one, and sat forward enough so both his elbows rested on the table edge. …Shit, what is wrong with me? The single question spun round and round internally, and he realised he was subtly panicking. Without a doubt he’d crossed a line and would be decked or worse now. Right? …Right?

Cursing inwardly, Squall reached out for the bottle of rum after all. Clasping a steadier hand around the glass, he drew it close and popped the cap off with practised ease on the table edge. Shortly after, he downed two lavish mouthfuls and slammed the base of it down on the table to relieve a little frustration he couldn’t understand. Agitation rising for his own stupidity, he busied himself with consuming his bread again, pointedly keeping all parts of his person off Seifer now.

Any sort of complaint was far from Seifer's mind as well, he was far more surprised that Squall even allowed so much closeness to happen in the first place. Loathe to admit, he could feel his heart rate picking up simply from the gentle pressure the lithe figure leaning against his side caused. He refused to think too much about it, given the influence of strong alcoholic beverages and all, but it felt kind of.. right? Maybe because he had been keeping his feelings for the brunet bottled up for so many years. Maybe he was even reading too much into all of this.

Admittedly, this here had been as far from his mind as Ultimicia suddenly springing back to life, as both of them had never been gentle in any kind or form with each other. Rather the opposite. But hadn't at least some of it been caused by Seifer because he knew no other way to bring Squall to spend time with him? And why on Hyne's green earth had all of this to be so complicated?

The low hum coming from the brunet pulled him from his once again wandering thoughts and the ghost of a smile tugged at his lips. Who would have thought he'd even admit to being comfortable? Daring to lean down just a little bit closer, strands of brown silk brushing his nose, he mirrored the other's agreeable hum, reacting too slow as Squall suddenly turned his face up and almost bringing the tips of their noses together. Pausing just for a heartbeat, Seifer leaned back just a little, allowing him to take in the features of lily-white skin, pale-blue eyes, and dark lashes blinking in confusion now. "More than good," he spoke then, iterating what Squall had been thinking just seconds before.

The workings of time being as strange as they are in moments like this, Seifer felt like he had been gazing at the other's face so close to his for a small eternity, taking in the slight flutter of lashes, the faintest tremble to parted lips, a presumable hitch in the brunet's breath. His hand on the backrest shifted then, body moving all on its own, as his fingers brushed through brown strands, tangling in them just briefly before Squall whispered an apology and slid away from him - which he immediately allowed, not in the least trying to hold him back. What the fuck were you even thinking, Almasy?!

He swallowed once more, his hand sinking onto the bench now, and a most ernest and ...calming? ... shake of his head followed. "Don't be." The last thing he wanted was that Squall felt he needed to apologize for anything to him. Especially this, which had been entirely born of his intrusiveness. Still his heart was pounding in a strange, demanding demeanor, his own lungs aching from a breathlessness he hadn't noticed before.

Watching Squall reach for the bottle right away again, the tall blond sighed, readjusting his position so he could properly sit at the table himself, listlessly picking apart one of the small loaves with his fingers. "Sorry.", he hummed finally, shooting a side glance at the other man, who he usually loved to make uncomfortable. But not in such a way. "I didn't want you to ...y'know... distress ya." Tipping one shoulder in a shrug because now it was whatever anyway, he fetched the bottle from the table and used his water glass to fill it with some good helpings of the rum, taking his own two or three deep swigs of it.

Still, he couldn't help his gaze wandering back to the brunet ever so often, his side feeling strangely cold now and a restlessness in his bones he couldn't seem to shake. He had been with people before, men and women alike, and he knew how the impatience felt that came with too much teasing beforehand, but this felt completely different. More... bittersweet? He couldn't really pinpoint it and from how Squall had reacted it seemed obvious that this was a boundary he did not wish to cross. Which, simultaneously, was also a barrier Seifer would not force his way through. He might be a lot of things but he most certainly was no guy to ignore the consent not given. “You want me to bring you home?”

[nevergiveupneverrun]

Bodyguard - Chapter Thirty-one “Memento Mori” Part One

Hello, I hope you’re all doing great. Here is chapter thirty-one of my story Bodyguard.  I’m sorry by advance for the mistakes… English isn’t my first language and I do my best. Here is the link of the previous chapter: Click Here.

I hope you will enjoy this chapter :) 💛

- We are gathered today to honor Richard’s memory. An unexpected and brutal disappearance. But we are not here to fuel the anger and injustice of this accident. We are not gathered to stoke resentment. If we are together in this church, it is good to gather on who was Richard for each of us… and to find the strength to forgive. And continue to live.

.

A wrinkle on my right makes me look away from the altar and the priest facing us. My eyes leave Richard’s portrait sitting behind the altar, remembering his memory and captivating me for long seconds. My attention is stealthily detached from this tribute ceremony which had just started in a solemn but vibrant atmosphere. I notice Amelia sneaking off her sunglasses to wipe tears running down her cheeks. The pale face, the drawn feature and the pursed lips of sorrow. She was the shadow of herself: her joie de vivre was extinguished as if a veil masked her usual drive and strength of character. She reflected the image of a woman who has lost everything: her home with all her memories… but above all a man so precious to her who had been with her at every moment of her life and career.

We were in the front row, April was to Amelia’s right and also seemed very affected: she had come back from Los Angeles urgently immediately after hearing the news. The meeting was not particularly large, Richard has always expressed that he wished to leave discreetly, with those who counted for him… and that these people who count don’t collect as friends facebook. Jackson had been keen to be present and was sitting to my left: beyond four of us, I had recognized Meredith, whom we had met on the réception of the foundation of Amelia. Twenty people also attended the ceremony, friends of Richard, people of the record company, but I had not yet been able to identify everyone and especially if some were members of his family. Given the latest events, we had put in place a very special device: the place of the ceremony had been kept secret until 2 hours before the beginning and the identities of the people scrupulously verified. Press releases had been sent to all the news agencies to demand respect for the privacy of this tribute and to indicate that any cameras or photos would be confiscated… the last request which had thankfully been respected. The explosion of Amelia’s house and the death of her manager made headlines. My links with the special services, however, had allowed us to control the information: thus officially the explosion was an accident, due to a gas leak. The existence of a bomb and harassment of which Amelia was the victim should not become public. Nathan had helped me to control the information because we were afraid that this crazy is even more motivated by a possible celebrity and relay on the front page of his gesture. Not to mention that Amelia would be the favorite prey of journalists and paparazzi. Nathan’s team had, however, worked in the shadows of the scene of the drama: but the house was nothing but rubbish and we had been unable to retrieve any element allowing us to identify this crazy… or the one who had installed this device. Because no doubt it was the job of a specialist who masters the use of explosives and discrete infiltrations.

.

I perceive April grab the hand of her friend a few moments while remaining focused on the words of the priest. Amelia keeps her eyes uncovered by her sunglasses as she slips them into her bad, and removes an extra tissue. She didn’t seem to want to hide her pain… or at least she did not really care anymore. Since the accident that was only 48 hours old, Amelia was no longer the same. She was completely closed on herself, spoke almost no more and especially what worried me the most was that her eyes seemed completely extinguished… without that usual glow that reflected her endearing joie de vivre. The tears were regular and did not fade with time. She seemed like inconsolable. - Remember moments of joy. Remember the moments of sharing. It’s these moments of life that Richard wants us to keep from him. Let them live, comfort us. To appease us. Let’s talk about this man who has marked each of our lives. The priest stops at this moment and stares at April. She nods and gently pulls her hand away from her friend’s to reach the altar. She settles with dignity behind the desk. I notice that she takes a deep breath and under the glow of the candles I can see her red eyes. - Your laugh, Richard. It’s your laugh that still resonates in my ears… you who loved so much to have fun with my outspokenness and my experiences that always seemed so zany to you. You knew how to catch the attention. You knew how to listen to people. You knew how to do good around you. She pauses at this moment, lowering her eyes. - I will always be grateful for everything you did. For me. For your help. Because I know that certain roles it is thank to you that I could have access, even if you never wanted to confess it to me, with your humility and your legendary modesty. You have illuminated the life of all those who have crossed your path, your generosity has even led you to take on roles that were not yours, but that you knew so well assume. Amelia looks down at this moment, and I discern a tear leaving her face and running aground on her black dress. - You left too early. But you did so much… in such a short time… And it’s your laugh that will resonate long in my ears. In our ears… April’s gaze remains vague only moments before she shifts and leaves the desk. She lets her hand slip against the coffin placed in front of the altar, before finding her place near Amelia. She immediately wipes her eyes from a handkerchief that her friend hands her.

.

Two more people will speak after her: a man in his fifties, a long-time friend of Richard who recalls comical anecdotes that make stealthy smiles come to the meeting and a manager of the record company who will finish his speech with a hint that marks me. - You were an outstanding professional… with an impressive conviction. You knew how to take under your wing one of the most talented artists of her generation. You gave her all the support she needed, recreating a family bubble that she was too painfully deprived of. We are grateful to you for rebuilding this trust and for having accompanied each step of her ascent. And we will keep you in mind, not as a very talented music professional, but as a beautiful person. A man of heart…

.

The priest takes the floor to share some prayers then he blesses the coffin while singing an « Our Father » with the room. At the end of the prayer, he finally invites Amelia to join him. I immediately cast an eye on my right, uncertain that she has the strength to intervene. She dries her cheeks quickly and moves feverishly towards the altar. Passing near the coffin, her steps slow down and her gaze remains fixed on the ebony object. She finally settles behind the microphone. But it is a silence that reigns for long seconds while she is facing us, her eyes lowered and still focused on the coffin in front of her. Seeing her like this, my heart squeezes and I hold as I can that desire to go to her side and move her away… to avoid this ordeal. Her reedy voice rises painfully soon and I perceive her emotion echoing to me. - You should not have gone this way. Without you, I don’t know if I would have the strength to… She doesn’t finish her sentence and seems to catch her breath. - I owe you so much. You’ll be the only… the only real father I’ve ever had. My father of heart… the best. Her voice goes off with the words and I feel the effort that represents for her these few words. She then steps back, turns her back and settles at the piano present a few steps behind her. Long seconds of silence is sown again and then she speaks again. - Because… I’ve always been more comfortable with songs than with simple words. I wrote this song yesterday… for you… because you will remain an angel… my guardian angel… I love you very much… These last words are whispered and very quickly a melody rises within the church. A series of soft chords to which is added a thin voice trembling but troubling.

~ Sleeping at last – Saturn ~

“You taught me the courage of stars before you left. How light carries on endlessly, even after death. With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite. How rare and beautiful it is to even exist”

Her voice rises a little more in the treble, while her breathing seems more jerky in the middle of the words… the emotion being stronger over the notes.

"I couldn't help but ask For you to say it all again. I tried to write it down But I could never find a pen. I'd give anything to hear You say it one more time, That the universe was made Just to be seen by my eyes.

I couldn't help but ask For you to say it all again. I tried to write it down But I could never find a pen. I'd give anything to hear You say it one more time, That the universe was made Just to be seen by my eyes."

She sings this last sentence with difficulty when sobs win the battle and mingle with the melody. The piano suddenly turns off. Then without really expecting it, her fingers slide again on the keyboard: the melody restarts and her voice mix painfully and weakly.

"With shortness of breath, I'll explain the infinite How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist."

Tears conclude the song, relayed by the loudspeakers of the church. Amelia sits in front of the instrument, her face down and finally turns her back on the meeting. The priest seems to feel her confusion and speaks again, diverting our attention. - For those who wish, you can pay a last tribute by gathering in front of Richard…  for a prayer… a thought… a gesture…

.

Music begins in the church compound and I recognize the melody of Jeff Buckley’s « Grace ». People stand up silently and stand in the middle aisle. Some seize white roses in the passage contained in a basket on a chair near the altar. I see Jackson and April follow the movement and join the other people, but I keep my gaze fixed on Amelia, always near the piano. I see that her shoulders are marked by jerky movements. Movements caused by sobs that seize her again when Jeff Buckley’s voice sounds a little more. I hesitate to join her. I take a look at Jackson and April like to have a clue about what I need to do. But April looks downcast, marked by the moment and the pain that assails her… and she doesn’t seem to have noticed that her friend did not leave her place behind the piano.   I remain motionless, watching the scenes around me. The people follow one another in single file and gradually leave the church after a last brief moment of meditation in front of the remains of Richard. The song ends but restarts immediately as Jackson leads April to Richard’s coffin: they are the last of the lineage, the other people already outside for the most part. They turn around and I share a look with Jackson, to reassure him when I decided to go forward to join Amelia… and bring her back to reality. I notice that the priest stood at the doors of the building, to greet the people leaving the enclosure and to wait to give the signal to the bearers. So we are both in this part of the church with the voice of Jeff Buckley around us. Arriving near her, what strikes me first is the wet marks on her face, revealing the path traveled by the many tears that have run down her cheeks. To see her so shocked, devastated completely upsets me. And at that moment, the guilt strikes me violently: I was partly responsible… This idea to put up a smokescreen, to turn the music video elsewhere was mine. I was the one to blame, the one who fanned the vengeance of the crazy. And who had Richard’s blood on my hands.

Thank you for reading! 💛 

[jinkisbelly]

In-laws

This is the first one shot in my skyrim au that connects Part 1 and my eventual Part 2.  Can be read on Ao3 and AFF too

Pairing: Jongyu

Rating: Barely Pg-13

w/c:4.7k

Summary: Jinki meets Jonghyun’s mother and wishes he had more time to prepare. 

         After so long away, Jonghyun felt a sense of warmth and home seeing the guarded archway of Riverwood. He slowly shifted his gaze to Jinki when he realized he had brought his horse to a stop. After making his own horse turn back until he was facing the man, he quietly asked, “What’s the matter?”

         “What am I to you?” Jinki’s face twisted for a moment before he shook his head. “I mean, what are we going to tell your mother I am to you?”

         “You know what you are to me.”

         “I do,” Jonghyun almost blushed with how sincere and full of love the almost whispered words were. “But I am the Archmage of Skyrim. I am a High Elf. Two things that I’m quite sure your mother would not approve of.”

         “Are you asking me if I wish to hide what we are?”

         “Or what I really am.” Jinki has his bottom lip sucked through his teeth, avoiding his gaze until he speaks again. “I can take off my robes, use that bow and arrows we picked up from those bandits. If questioned, I’m an okay shot.”

         Jonghyun gently hit the side of his horse until he was right beside Jinki, reaching over to cup his cheek as best he could. “I am not going to allow you to hide who you really are and I will not hide what you mean to me. Hiding either of those things is in a way saying I’m not proud of having you, of who you are. I love you and if my mother cannot see past that, she’ll learn.”

         “I just feel like I’m making you go against your mother.”

         “In a way, I am,” Jonghyun let his hand fall to squeeze Jinki’s resting on his thigh. “But, as much as I love her I understand now that our prejudice of all mages for the one that killed my father was wrong. You are so much more than being a mage, even if it’s important to you. Work in progress life partners doesn’t hide who they are from their in-laws.”

         “Alright, Dear.”

         “Good.” As he turned his horse back to face the distance entrance of Riverwood and both began down the path again, he softly asked, “How good is an okay shot?”

         “I could probably use it as a main weapon in a pinch.” Jinki shrugged. “Minho wasn’t just going to let his fiance be inept with a bow. Something about respect by his fellow archers. Beat a group of them in a shooting contest the summer I proposed.”

         “I see.” Other than the sound of the river to their right and the hooves against the stones beneath them, silence fell until Jonghyun whipped his head toward him to ask. “Does that mean I have to work on your ax work?”

         “If it pleases you, Dear.”

         He hummed, returning to look at the road and thinking. “I believe it would. Yes.”

         “What if I become better than you?”

         “That would never happen!”

         “The squeak in your voice says otherwise, Love.”

-----

         “Ma!” Jinki abruptly pulled his reins as Jonghyun yelled all of a sudden. He relaxed slightly as the man dismounted and dashed across the small yard toward the porch of the home. He followed shortly, duckling under his horse to grab Jonghyun’s reins and lead both horses into the gate. He busied himself with taking care of the horses, too nervous to watch what was happening on the porch until his attention was forced over. “Babe, this is my Ma. Ma, this is Jinki.”

         He took a deep breath before stepping under the horse, bowing slightly toward her. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ma’am.”

         When she gasped loudly he didn’t look up, dread filling his chest as he squeezed his eyes shut. Even when she hissed her next words as if disgusted, he couldn’t force himself to look up at her. “He’s a mage.”

         Jinki swallowed thickly, staring at his boots, feeling increasingly uncomfortable even as Jonghyun exclaimed, “Ma!”

         “What?”

         “Can you not sound so disappointed when meeting the man I love?”

         She hmphed before turning. “Dinner should be ready soon.”

         As the door closed behind her Jinki found Jonghyun’s gaze. “I hate to say it but I told-”

         “Don’t even finish that sentence.” Jonghyun snapped quietly, taking the few steps to him to take his cheeks into his hands with a smile. “Give her a chance to get to know how beautiful you are, Babe. Come on, let’s get the horses unsaddled.”

         He looked at Jonghyun for a few moments before shaking his head and following the man’s lead.

-----

         Jinki tried not to let the pair of eyes following his every move unnerve him as much as it was. He had taken off his robes before dinner had been served. He hadn’t been given a knife for his steak until Jonghyun pulled his dagger from his boot and handed it to him. He had cut the piece of meat into smaller bits before handing the dagger back, hilt toward Jonghyun as his fingers lightly curled around the blade. For most of it, Jinki had tried to stay as quiet as possible and allow the other two to control most of the conversation. Jonghyun tried his best to include him, but Jinki reached over the table to gently squeeze his knee and the attempts stopped. He was thankful for the understanding.

         After dinner, they moved to sit around the fire, drinking cups of tea and eating sweet rolls. Until, the wind outside blew the window open, causing the fire to go out completely. Which led them here, where Jonghyun was currently trying to restart the fire and failing miserably. Jinki smiled softly from behind his cup, “I thought you got better at this Dear?”

         “I did, I almost got it.”

         Normally, Jinki would just go over and start the fire for him, but he could feel Jonghyun’s mother staring at him. If looks could kill he was sure he would be. After a few more attempts, Jinki cleared his throat. “May I start it, Baby? It’s quite nippy in here without it.”

         With a dramatic sigh, Jonghyun rose from his knees, crossing his arms and pouting. “I suppose.”

         Jinki’s hand fell to Jonghyun’s hips as they slid past each other in the slim space between the couch and the table before he bent down before the fire. Two fingers were straightened out from his loosely held fist, a small firing of flame setting the logs ablaze. When he turned Jonghyun had taken his seat and the man’s mother was staring at him like she was planning twenty ways to kill him with a spoon. Ignoring that, he climbed back onto the couch and found comfort in Jonghyun’s arms. Squishing his cheek against his chest and smiling when he felt the arm thrown over him.

         “How long have you been a mage?”

         He slowly opened his eyes at her voice, humming as he thought the best way to approach this. “Give or take twelve years. Archmage seven.”

         She raised her brows but didn’t speak for some time. “What motive do you have being in love with a simple Lumber Woman's son?”

         “I did not know one has much conscious decision over who one falls in love with.”

         “Do you love him?”

         Jinki intertwined his and Jonghyun’s fingers softly, keeping her gaze as he replied. “Even if I was honest and said yes, I doubt you’d believe my words or feelings are genuine.”

         She bowed her head slightly. “At least you aren’t an idiot.”

         “I’m a lot of things, and most of them are not what you believe me to be.” He smiled a little when Jonghyun squeezed his hand firmly, “I understand your hatred of mages.”

         “I don’t think you do.”

         Jonghyun was gently running his other hand through Jinki’s hair, eyes still closed as he turned his head to push his nose into his hair. “Oh, he does.”

         “You told him?” she incredulously exclaimed.

         “We have no secrets.”

         “I doubt that.”

         “It’s true.” Jonghyun’s voice was slow and breathy, indicating how close to falling asleep he was. “I couldn’t accept that I loved him until I dealt with the guilt I felt for hating him in the beginning. He shouldn’t be blamed for the actions of a single mage.”

         “I see.” Jonghyun raised his head when he heard his mother get up from the other couch. She was almost to the stairs when she turned to finally say. “I do hope your trust in him isn’t unfounded. I’d hate to be murdered in my sleep.”

         Jinki twisted a little, leg thrown over Jonghyun’s as he gazed up at him when she finally disappeared. “I’m sorry. I instigated.”

         “It’s alright. You’ve had so many chances to either kill me or let me die if you really wished to be rid of me.” His eyes were half closed as he gazed at Jinki. “I could just sleep here, curled up with you.”

         “I wouldn’t mind it, but don’t you still have a bedroom?”

         “I do.”

         The quick quirk of his brows upward made Jinki softly smack his chest, half whispering, “I am not fucking you when your mother is in the same house.”

         As they untangled themselves and Jonghyun led him back with their hands intertwined, he grinned, “It was worth a try.” He closed the door by pushing Jinki against it gently, brushing their noses together. “How do you feel about very heated kisses?”

         “Keep your hand away from my cock,” He whispered just barely off Jonghyun’s lips. “And you can have all the kisses you want, Dear.”

----

         In the morning, Jinki wore some of Jonghyun’s extra clothes. They both were up before Jonghyun’s mother. Jinki quickly started the fire once again before joining Jonghyun at the main table in the small kitchen to help with breakfast. Before curling his fingers around the knife, he slipped behind Jonghyun, wrapping his arms around him for a moment to nuzzle into his neck. “Good morning, Baby.”

         “You said that already today.” But he still put his own knife down to put his left hand over Jinki’s on his stomach.

         “I’ve called you beautiful today too, but,” He grinned after kissing his neck. “Am I not allowed to find you beautiful now too?”

         “You’re in a good mood.”

         “I am.” He slipped finally to stand on the other side of Jonghyun and grabbed a few carrots to slice. “I think it’s the domesticity.”

         Jonghyun gently bumped their shoulders, smiling when Jinki looked over at him. “I like this too.”

         It was the warmth of Jonghyun’s gaze, how cute he was with his messed up hair and the lopsided grin that made Jinki leaned closer to press their lips together. The soft almost grunt that Jonghyun let out was enough for Jinki to drop the knife and curl his hand around his waist, twisting to face him to allow easier kissing. It was then there was the sound of someone clearing their throat, and both pulled apart as if the other was burning hot to the touch.

         Standing there was Jonghyun’s mother, arms crossed over her chest as she stared disapprovingly at the both of them. “I’d rather not have that happening in my house.”

         “Apologies, Ma.”

         Jinki avoided her gaze as she talked over to take the knife he had been using and resuming what he had been doing. Taking the hint, he slipped out from the table and headed into the bedroom. He vaguely could hear Jonghyun saying something to her in a frustrated tone, but he didn’t focused enough to make out the words as he closed the door behind him.

-----

         Jinki had grabbed his sketchbook after pulling on his boots and left out the front door without saying much. He was sure neither of the two other people noticed he had even left. Stepping from the small fenced in yard, he glanced either way on the path before settling on the right. His pace was slow, eyes flicking over the flowers and green lining the path after passing under the guard walkway. Up the hill, he stepped off the path, staring off over the view of the city. Smiling he took the few steps to the grass of the hill’s edge, crisscrossing his legs and opening his sketchbook. The view of Riverwood was beautiful, the curve of the river sparkling in the early morning sun off into the distance. Towards Whiterun and the great plains.

         His gaze lingered a little longer on Jonghyun’s childhood home, bottom lip pulled through his teeth. It wasn’t as if he expected to walk into that home and be welcomed with open arms, but he had expected to at least be trusted enough to not kill them both if Jonghyun showed how much he mattered to him. For Gods sake taking the damn knife away make no sense when his weapon was his hands. He loved Jonghyun so much and his mother’s acceptance of him, and they meant the world to him. He didn’t have much family left and understood how important such a thing was, especially to Jonghyun. He feared that if overtime she never learned to at least tolerate him, that Jonghyun would end it because he would have grown tired of the tension between the two of them.

         Jinki closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, before opening them again to begin to draw, the breeze over the rocky terrain behind him cooling against his neck.

-----

         Jonghyun pulled open the door quickly, careful not to spill the wooden plate of food in his hand, only to freeze in his tracks. Jinki wasn’t in the room. The bed was still made, everything the way they had left it when they left the room just a few hours ago. For a few moments dread filled his heart that Jinki had slipped out and left, too exhausted of dealing with his mother and the constant distrust to take it any longer, but he saw his robe neatly folded on the desk and the tension was released from his chest.

         “Hey, Ma?” He called out as he turned on his heel to return to the main part of the house.

         “Yes, Sweetie?”

         “Have you seen Jinki?”

         “Not since before breakfast.” She scuffed. Jonghyun laid the plate on the kitchen table before heading toward the door. He was pulling it open when she asked, “Aren’t you coming to help me at the Mill?”

         “I am but I really-”

         “You promised to help.”

         “And I will Ma!” He ran his fingers through his hair, eyes fluttering a little as he scolded himself for raising his voice at her. “But I won’t focus until I know he’s alright.”

         “I’m pretty sure he’s more of a risk to do harm than harm to him.”

         He pinched the bridge of his nose before softly saying. “I’ll meet you there, Ma.”

-----

         Jinki slowly looked up when he heard footsteps to his right, hand lifting slightly after dropping his pencil, but the fire died out quickly around his fingers when his eyes fell on Jonghyun. “And what brings such a handsome Nord all the way up here?”

         “I’m looking for my lover. Perhaps you’ve seen him?” Jonghyun slowly sat beside him, legs bent out to the side as he leaned on his hand behind Jinki. As his right hand moved through Jinki’s longer locks, he smiled, “Really pretty, pointy ears, likes to sass everything.”

         “I may know who you are speaking of.” A sense of peace filled him as Jonghyun pressed a warm kiss to his cheek. “Was I gone too long?”

         “A bit.” He shifted enough to gently begin to braid small plaits in his white hair.

         Jinki glanced over at him, left-hand fingers gently tapping on the paper before him before he asked, “Are you alright? Your hands are shaking.”

         “I may have thought my mother’s constant judging and mistrust of you had gotten too exhausting and you had left.”

         “Oh, Jonghyun,” Jinki whispered, twisting to grab Jonghyun’s hands into his own, stopping him from finishing his braid. “Look at me, Baby.”

         Slowly, his eyes lifted, “I should have had more faith in you.”

         “You’re right, but that doesn’t negate how you feel. I love you. I’ve dealt with worse than your mother. Hopefully, she’ll warm up to me and if not, you’re worth it.”

         His shoulders slumped as he let out a deep breath, eyes crinkling a little as he smiled. “Do you want to stay in the inn tonight?”

         “I don’t think she would like you coming with me, and I must confess, sleeping is more difficult without you now.” Jinki gently tapped the tip of Jonghyun’s nose. “You keep the nightmares away it seems.”

         Jonghyun gestured to the sketchbook still in Jinki’s lap, “What were you drawing?”

         In response, Jinki just opened it and handed it over gently, taking refuge in the warmth of Jonghyun’s body still pressed against his own. Eventually, Jonghyun would have to return down the hill and over the bridge to the Mill to help his Mother, but for the time he had with him, Jinki planned to soak it all up as much as he could. He pressed a soft kiss to Jonghyun’s temple, eyes fluttering closed as he stayed there for a moment. “I could stay here with you forever.”

         “These rocks would turn out to be very uncomfortable.”

         “You make my attempts to be romantic pointless, Love.”

         “Oh, never pointless.” Jonghyun grinned. “I can’t have you thinking you’re charming or something.”

------

         He was just spooning the stew into the first wooden bowl when the front door was gently unlocked and pushed open. Stepping through was the small frame of Jonghyun’s mother and the man shortly after. Jinki lifted the bowl in his hand after both pairs of eyes fell on him, smiling softly. “Dinner is ready.”

         Jonghyun was quick to dropping his boots by the door and padding over to take the offered bowl, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you, Babe.”

         Jinki poured another bowl and hesitantly stepped closer to the older woman sitting on the chair across from Jonghyun. He held it out with both hands slowly, retracting his hands away just as gingerly once the bowl was taken from them. She bowed her head slightly, “Thank you.”

         He only nodded before grabbing himself a bowl, finding a place beside Jonghyun. Over the happy sounds as Jonghyun ate next to him, Jinki realized his mother hadn’t moved to eat until he himself had. He just shook his head and focused on finishing his dinner. He’d pick his battles and this wasn’t one of them.

------

         Jonghyun rolled his shoulders and neck, grimacing as the pain shot down his back. He liked to believe he was in fairly decent shape, but it had been over a year since he had helped his mother at the Mill and his muscles ached. He finished cleaning up the kitchen table before finding a seat at the small dining table. A few fingers rubbed at the back of his neck, eyes squeezing shut as he focused on alleviating the pain. As soon as he had started a pair of hands had replaced his own, pressing and warming his muscles. Even before he spoke, Jonghyun knew who the hands belonged to. “If you’re hurting you should have told me.”

         “I didn’t want to worry you.”

         Quick as the pressure was added, the fingers were removed, but the calm warmth of Jinki’s healing magic began to seep into his sore muscles. Once the magic was gone, Jinki pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. “Mission failed, Baby.”

         Neither man noticed Jonghyun’s mother gazing at them from across the room on the way to her bedroom.

-----

         Jinki could see where Jonghyun got his good looks from. His mother was a short, slim woman, with long grey hair that she had braided in a thick plait down her back at all times. Unlike many Nord women he had seen throughout his life, she seemed to have a thing against dresses. Her pale colored shirts were always rolled up at the sleeves and tucked into her pants. Her boots were bulky and thick, going up to her knee. For such a small thing, she was determined and strong. Other things Jonghyun must have gotten from her.

         The last few days had been less tense in the house, but he could still feel how nervous she was around him as if she feared something would snap in his mind and he’d harm them both. Later evening tea was one of his favorite things, but being left out of the conversation did nothing for his level of frustration. So when they put the last log onto the fire, he volunteered to go cut some more. He laid his cup on the table in front of him, kissed Jonghyun’s lips softly, before slipping towards the door. Anything was better than being cut off each time he attempted to enter the conversation.

         But as he moved toward the stump, he realized there was no ax stuck in the wood as expected. He conjured a small mage light but finding nothing he slowly headed back toward the house, only to stop at the slightly ajar door when he heard his name being spoken inside.

-----

         “Jinki seems nice enough son, but can you honestly tell me you know him enough to love him? To trust him?”

         Jonghyun sipped at his own tea to take the time to think of a response to her questions. “How long did you think you knew my birth father before you laid with him, Ma?”

         “Jonghyun!”

         “I’ve known Jinki for almost a year. He’s shared some of the most painful things he’s had to experience and trusts me with that knowledge. I know him very well Ma. I trust him with everything I have. I wouldn’t have brought him here to you if I didn’t.”

         “He’s not the right man for you.” She insisted, leaning forward in her chair. “As you grew up I expected you to find a decent woman to marry and take over the Mill from me, and while it took time I’ve come to accept your love of men. But I know in my gut he’s not the right man for you.”

         “Shouldn’t I know who is the best for me? I love him, Ma.”

         “I don’t doubt your feelings or your belief in them. There are things that I want for you, things that I know you want, that I don’t think he can give you. What about children Jonghyun? You’ve always told me you wanted kids. Does he want the same things as you?”

         “Yes.”

         “He’s the most powerful mage in all of Skyrim. Do you think he’s going to give it all up to settle down with you? To have kids?”

         “The subject of children for him is difficult and I will not force it upon him for my own desires. I love him. I want to be with him and if that means staying up at the College for the rest of my days I will.” Jonghyun pushed off his chair, it screeching a little against the wood of the floors. “He’s been through so much Ma and as much as I love you I will not sit here another moment while you judge him. He’s the man I love. He’s not going anywhere so maybe you should learn to accept that.”

         As he pushed open the front door, he realizes a little too late that it had been ajar in the first place. Only when he’s collided with Jinki’s chest does it notice it. Quickly he finds Jinki’s gaze and he knows by the sorrow in his eyes and the shakiness of his hands as they rest on his hips, that he had heard more than he should have. Quickly, he curled his fingers around Jinki’s left wrist and pulled him from the small porch. “C’mon. Let’s get out of here for a while.”

         “Jonghyun-”

         Stopping abruptly and managing to turn around to press a kiss to his lips was tricky and he was slightly proud of himself. “Shh. Not here.”

         Jinki quieted, and followed, trusting Jonghyun completely.

------

         Their feet were swinging off the dock, the rushing water under them spraying mists on their bare skin. Jonghyun shifted his eyes over to Jinki, watching the way his hair blew slightly in the breeze, soft curls falling from the messy ponytail he had thrown it in after his bath that afternoon. “I meant what I said.”

         “I know you did.”

         “And yet it’s still bothering you.”

         “How can it not, Jonghyun?” Finally, Jinki looked over, bottom lip sucked through his teeth for a moment before he continued. “I’d give up everything I have for you, but I know being with me means you’re giving up a lot more than I possibly can. I don’t know how kids will affect me. I haven’t been a father since Jaewha and I failed her. It doesn’t make me very willing to jump into parenthood again. Maybe your Mother is right and I’m not the one for you.”

         Jonghyun took a shuddering breath before reaching over to curl their fingers together, lifting it so he could press a kiss to the back of Jinki’s hand. “My Mother has been right about many things, but she was wrong when she believed the man that sired me would be a good father, she was wrong when she thought I’d marry a woman, and she’s wrong now. I love you more than I have anyone else. I don’t need children to make a home. I need you and a roof over our heads and honestly… I might not even need the roof. If I spend the rest of my life traveling the roads and sharing a tent or a bedroll in a cave, I’d die a happy man.”

         “I’ve never been enough.”

         “You are to me.” Jonghyun smiled, tears blurring his vision. “How do you feel about a dog?”

         Through Jinki’s own silent tears, he laughed, using his other hand to pat his cheeks dry. “I think I could get used to a dog.”

         “C’mere.” With a little wiggling Jinki’s thigh was pressed against his. When Jonghyun laid his head on his shoulder, Jinki rested his own head on his. “I think we should stay in the inn for the remaining time of our visit.”

         “Jonghyun that’s not-”

         “She doesn’t make you comfortable. I won’t force you to deal with it for me.” He squeezed his hand softly, smiling as he watched the way the moon rippled against the river’s surface.

         “Thank you.” Was whispered against his hair as Jinki pressed a kiss there.

-----

         They retrieved their things before walking down the path toward the inn. Once they had bought their room for the next week, both were quick to wash their hands and fall into bed. Jonghyun was just about to blow out the candle when he stopped, his breath flickering the flame slightly. “Jinki?”

         “Yes, Baby?” His voice was deep and groggy, sleep tugging at his consciousness.

         “Why don’t you use fire anymore?”

         "I do use it when necessary, but," Jinki nuzzled into his pillow, eyes closed as he answered easily. “My fire makes you afraid. So I use other things.”

         “But you enjoy your fire.”

         It was then Jinki’s eyes slowly opened, peeking up at him through his lashes. “When there is a spider you handle it for me. It’s not that big of a deal.”

         But it was. For as long as Jonghyun had known Jinki he had always used fire as his primary type of destruction magic until a few months ago right around their exploration of Mzulft. When Jonghyun had noticed him switching from fire to ice the moment he had stepped into the room. It was a respect thing, a small change for Jinki, but a huge meaning for Jonghyun. “You really don’t have to.”

         Jinki pressed up just enough to kiss him deeply, smiling as he patted his cheek. “But I do I'm shooting right past you all the time. If I can help you feel more at ease and focused by just switching the type of magic coming from my hands, I will. Goodnight, Beautiful. I love you.”

         “I love you too.”

         Jonghyun spent most of the night curled into Jinki’s back, holding him tightly and squishing his cheek against his bare skin. For a while, trying really hard not to cry at how sweet Jinki was.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 41 - TBL - Warm Bodies

6-4 Regulation Loss

The season is now halfway over. It’s also got halfway to go. I suppose it’s a glass half full, half empty kinda situation. I imagine the first half of this season has evoked some pretty strong feelings along those lines of optimism and pessimism one way or the other. There’s a lot to unpack there and Midseason Thoughts will be out tomorrow so read that. This is only going to be an incomplete lookback on the first half that was. After all, there was a New Year’s Eve game last night and a big narrative coming into that game. Jeff Skinner got injured in one of the games against Boston and here we find ourselves once again down another forward. And here comes the snide remarks about the surplus of defenseman that don’t really help the problem with forwards dropping like flies. Well guess what: I’m there. I’m ready to be mad about this shit too! It’s January when you’re reading this. January 2020! Jason Botterill was hired in May 2017. He’s closing in on three years on the job. Sure he didn’t get the coaching choice right the first go around and we restarted the rebuild and yatta yatta yatta; but how has Rebuild 2.0 gone so… uh… terribly? There were poultry changes in summer 2018 after the accidentally super shit season that got us Rasmus Dahlin and then in 2019… uh… he moved out Nylander for Jokiharju. You can’t look past the Jeff Skinner trade and signing, the risk and reward of that, but barring the Henri Jokiharju trade that was far and away his best move. The defense is changed but the forward ranks are… actually remarkably similar to Dan Blysma’s last game behind the bench. That whole conversation was brewing and then came the Skinner injury. The Sabres are now the furthest out of a playoff spot they’ve been all season at five points back. That’s something we’ll talk about in Midseason thoughts. The team was up and down in the first half but mostly down. Meanwhile everyone is sorta thinking one move for a top six forward saves the day. True or not we were hungry for a move when… *drum roll*… Rochester American Dalton Smith is signed to a two-way contract so he can be called up to the NHL… uh… say what now?

This is literally the kinda thing you joke about a lazy General Manager doing. At first glance he’s just a goon you’re signing for the kinda things boomers dribble about on Facebook: he’ll bring grit to a roster the Coach and GM say doesn’t need any more grit! Smith wasn’t at Training Camp you see! His game is improved dramatically you see! He’s got… lots of penalty minutes in the AHL! Okay, I give up. I don’t know what they’re doing now. If you’re going to tell me with a straight face Smith was brought up as a Skinner replacement I guess I’ll agree he is in fact a warm body. This is just a team of Jack Eichel and a bunch of warm bodies right now anyway, eh? The most logical answer is a very unwelcomed one: the idea he was brought in to “take care of unfinished business” with the Tampa Bay Lightning. That is, the Sabres needed a guy to avenge the Dahlin injury back in November. So we used up a contract on a guy to come up from the A to punch Erik Cernak in the face? Is that the plan? Look Jason, we understand trades maybe risky, but we’d prefer you make one before going with the lowest common denominator within the organization. Remember a dozen games back or so when I theorized it was never the plan for the team to make the playoffs this season? I put together some pieces including the opinion of John Vogl who said exactly this. The huge salary opening this summer allow a lot of room for movement… but they’re also somehow in cap hell too? Is that what’s stopping you from taking this season seriously, Jason? The theory is basically confirmed now and I’m not going to lie: I am very turned off by it all. Other NHL clubs should take note: this is how you turn off your fanbase. You’re already on a pretty ugly skid? Make a really bad roster move when the obvious choice is clear as day for all to see and make it about fighting. Honestly, who was dying to see Dalton Smith fight Erik Cernak? Whose opinion of this club’s season is now changing because of him skating four shifts all game and almost getting into a scuffle? We even got a video of Cernak getting fighting pointers from a teammate at the Bolts practice! You have one of the most talented rosters of the decade coming to town for a New Year’s Eve game your billing as a big deal and you’re intending to give them a punching match? To top it all off about an hour before puck drop Joe Yerdon at the Athletic broke the news that Evan Rodrigues asked for a trade upping that number to three players who want out. Summer 2019 Sabres twitter would have gone to Defcon 5 with that news but five months without a GM has made us cold, hopeless husks. On that cheerful note, let’s do that hockey!

To be clear I am not, nor have I ever been a hockey player. Anyone who makes the NHL, even for a single game like Dalton Smith, is a better athlete than I will ever be. Each and every player on that ice could murder me quite easily. However what unfolded in the first and third periods of this game was a glorified badminton match. The shots were 10-3 in favor of Buffalo in the first, but the game did not even kinda look that way. At least two of those Bolts shots were off the post, the team MVP candidate hot on Jack Eichel’s heels. Ding-Ding-Ding. The Sabres got another impotent powerplay early on after Steven Stamkos tripped Eichel. Ralph Krueger did a very interesting interview this morning on WGR550 where he was asked about the lackluster powerplay. One quote sticks out: “Whether we score or not [on the powerplay] is irrelevant.” There is very little additional context needed, that’s the quote. He was making a point about how even fruitless powerplay help team confidence 5 on 5. I’m no hockey coach either but… uh… I think that’s some motivational bullshit, Ralph. Luckily I didn’t actually rear end the car ahead of me in the Tim Hortons drive thru when I heard that line. The slight edge the home team developed in this game became apparent late in the first and the Sabres got a goal almost by accident. Curtis Lazar peeled a puck off the Lightning as they attempted to exit the zone and shot it over to Conor Sheary. Sheary, tardy on getting out of the zone evidently, almost one-timed it and the shot snuck past Andrei Vasilevskiy to put Buffalo up 1-0.

Steven Stamkos and Jack Eichel both had shocking misses in the first; like wow, you had the whole net and didn’t get it in kinda misses. Both visibly realized their mistakes. In the second period Conor Sheary got an early assist when he put the puck on net where Marcus Johansson edged the puck in. All of the sudden the Sabres were up 2-0 and I doubt many of those assembled in Key Bank Arena thought this would be the way it would go based off everything going on off ice. Linus Ullmark and a tough defensive scheme wouldn’t hold up forever and almost inevitably Andrei Palat shot one in five hole. The powerplay goal for Tampa felt as mocking as it did inevitable. But then somewhere deep down in this team they revived the clap-back energy, just for a little bit. A minute later Jimmy Vesey takes the puck over after a fortuitous bounce and gets his first goal since the dawn of time. If you took even a minute to be shocked you’d be forgiven but you’d miss Jake McCabe doing what Dalton Smith got an NHL contract for: fighting! McCabe got into a bloody boxing match with Andrei Sergachev after a hit on Eichel he took issue with. To be fair to the cavemen not reading this, Dalton Smith did have a little spat with a player in a white jersey earlier in the period, but McCabe was the one who really brought your almighty grit. The lengthy penalty record now somehow put the Sabres on the penalty kill. Enter Jack Eichel stripping a Tampa forward on a botched pass before charging down the ice, undressing two defenseman and a goalie to backhand it in for the 4-1 lead and a shorthanded goal. That was at about the halfway point of the game. That beautiful Jack Eichel goal that will certainly be in the season highlight reel… was halfway through this game. Before the second period ended the disaster would begin: five unanswered goals started with another powerplay goal for Alex Killorn followed by Tyler Johnson snipe about three minutes later. The second period ended 4-3 Buffalo. The game would end 6-4 Tampa. The Lightning completed their season sweep of the Sabres in a comeback fitting of the next level shitty decade this club just concluded. Shattenkirk, Killorn again and then Anthony Cirelli with an empty netter, I’m not going to torture you with the details, it’s easy to imagine how that went just off experience.

Like, comment and share this blog. Tomorrow we’ll be discussing the first half of the season in Midseason Thoughts. We’ll be looking ahead to the back 41 games as well although it seems very clear they don’t matter to the Front Office. This club is within spitting distance of a playoff spot and are posturing to try and get further off by the end of the month. When I say this team is a collection of warm bodies and Jack Eichel, I mean it! I think I speak for a large swath of this fanbase when I say I’ve lost confidence. A move was necessary six months ago, but it never came. Sure I still like the Coach but if he’s going to pass off motivational smart talk as a definitive strategy for a hockey team to win enough games to make the postseason even he is going to lose me at some point! Tomorrow we get Edmonton coming to town and I doubt they’ll succumb to the Sabres quite as easily as last time. I have no more confidence in this club and honestly I feel like they’ll need to win us back when there is a playoff team in town! Well… that’s all folks. Happy New Year! Talk to you tomorrow. Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. The Winter Classic was fun this year. I wish somebody had told me Dallas and Nashville hated each other two years ago.

[dakotacrisis]

Just A Friend (Not) Pt 3

Adrien is flustered, Marinette wants to help, and Plagg knows more than expected. (Happy belated birthday @wild-mare-of-prosecution!)

“Good evening, my lady,” Chat Noir landed on the roof, “I didn’t think you were coming out on patrol tonight.”

Marinette turned to her partner with a big smile. “I wasn’t but I finished all my work earlier.” She was also full of unbridled nervous energy that needed burned off.

“Far be it from me to look a gift horse in the mouth. You know I’m always happy to have you along.”

“I do.” they took off across the rooftops keeping an eye out for any trouble. Marinette was leaping by so fast that it felt like she was walking on air. It took her a minute to realize she had left her partner in the dust as a result.

She stopped and waited for him to catch up. “Tired tonight, chaton?”

“I’m afraid I’m not in the right mindset for patrolling tonight. Some stuff happened earlier today and it’s gotten me a tad confused.”

“Anything I can help with?”

He looked at her with those big sad kitten eyes and her heart started to melt. What could have possibly happened to her pun spewing partner that he was this out of it?

“Don’t worry yourself with it. I’ll figure it out later.” Chat assured her. Before she could call him on his bluff he changed the subject. “You on the other hand seem to have enough energy for the both of us. Something good happen or was finishing your work that motivating?”

Marinette blushed slightly thinking back on her day with Adrien. “I had a good day. Nothing you’d be interested in though.”

“What makes you think that? I’m interested in anything that makes my lady so happy.”

Marinette sighed as she gazed at her partner. She could lie to him. Tell him it was just a good day for vague happy reasons and not because she had went to lunch then had a study date with her crush that ended with a kiss. Then again if she was actually making headway with Adrien and it went somewhere then the next time Chat flirted with her she’d have to reject him again. Seeing as how he got all pouty on her anytime she snubbed his affections that didn’t seem a good idea. It was better to clear the air now.

“You remember that boy I said I’m in love with?” she said quietly.

Immediately Chat deflated. “Yeah?”

This isn’t fair! He needs to stop with the sad kitten eyes! Oh boy this was a mistake.

“Well...we pretty much spent the entire afternoon together and we have plans to hang out again tomorrow.”

“That...That’s great.”

“I told you you weren’t going to be interested.”

He was quiet for a long time. It went from normal processing silence to extremely awkward why-did-I-say-anything-in-the-first-place kind of silence. He definitely should have said something by now. Should she say something? He’s been staring off into the distance for a good five minutes straight. Did she break her partner? Please don’t be broken.

“Chat Noir?” she poked his shoulder.

That must have been the restart button because he snapped back into awareness and looked at her earnestly. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long day.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re not upset about the whole other boy thing are you?”

“No.” Something changed in him. She couldn’t say what but he was calmer, more grounded.

“Excuse me for not believing that wholesale. You spaced out on me for a good while after I told you I was going on dates.”

“Apologies. I started thinking about something and let my thoughts run wild.” he sat down on the edge of the roof. Marinette went to join him as they stared out over the city. “I’m not upset about you going on dates with your crush. A part of me is actually kinda relieved to hear that you’re starting something.”

“Why is that?”

“Because there’s this girl that I have a huge crush on that I didn’t even realize I was crushing on her until this afternoon. I was so confused about how I could like two people at once and trying to figure out if one feeling trumped the other. Now, hearing you talk about the boy you like, well, it feels like the excuse I needed to let go and move on.”

“Let go?” Marinette couldn’t help the sad ache in her heart. Though she would never admit it she had always harbored a special place for Chat Noir in her heart. He isn’t just her partner but her friend and while he could irk her something fierce she never once wished he wasn’t around. A part of her always knew that under Adrien-free circumstances things between them may have been different. But this was not an Adrien-free world (thank goodness) and so while Chat had a spot in her heart the rest was completely Adrien’s.

“I’ll always love you as a friend, as a crush, and as my partner.” Chat laid a hand on top of hers. “But I know now that I can’t force you to feel something you don’t and I can’t keep pushing away how I obviously feel for someone else. I only hope that this doesn’t change anything between us.”

Marinette’s heart swelled with pride for her chaton. He was maturing. Being happy for her and understanding her side of things instead of giving her the cold shoulder and guilt tripping her. She was also glad to hear that he had someone of his own that he liked outside of her. Chat’s a great guy and he needed and deserved some proper attention and affection. If this girl hurts him though heads would roll.

She looked at him, her partner, and smiled. “Of course this doesn’t change anything. I’m happy for you. I hope for your sake that this girl you like can stomach all those puns, chaton.”

“Well I hope this boy you’re in love with can handle your painful attempts at pun making.”

“Painful?!” she gaped at him. “Excuse you but my puns are clever and hilarious.”

“You’re good at a great many things Ladybug but your puns are--how do I put this delicately--kinda obvious and not that humorous.”

Do not throw your partner across Paris. Do NOT throw your partner across Paris.

“You decide to let go of your crush on me and your immediate line of thought led you to insult my pun ability?”

“I say it because I care. You need to get punnier if this friendship is going to last.”

“You need to get faster if you leaving patrol with your tail attached is going to last.”

Slowly he started to inch away. “I sense I struck a nerve.”

“Insulting a girl’s pun prowess is no joking matter.”

“Ooh, you see, now that was a good one. Keep that up and you’ll catch up to me one day.”

“You are the biggest dork I have ever known and I have to live with myself.”

“And you’re never getting rid of me.”

“I would never want to.” she gave him a little scratch under his chin. They laughed for a moment before taking off over the roofs again. Marinette made as many puns as she could think of and Chat gave her scores out of ten for how good he thought they were. She never made it pass a six which seemed unfair but then again she was spouting off pretty cliche wordplay.

They wrapped up patrol and with a bow from Chat and another dumb but admittedly brilliant pun he leapt off into the night and Marinette returned home. She was glad things with her and Chat Noir had evened themselves out. Now that they had cleared the air she only had to worry about Nino’s party tomorrow and not making a fool of herself in front of Adrien.

Adrien landed back in his house and de-transformed. Plagg zipped off for his cheese while Adrien headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth before going to bed. This evening had not gone as he had expected. He was looking forward to having some time by himself to clear his head and think his whole Ladybug and Marinette feelings thing through but that went out the window when he saw his partner waiting at their usual meet up point.

Not that he wasn’t happy to see her. He was always happy to spend time with her but did curse that he seemed to keep getting his alone time pulled out from under him.

It turned out to be for the better in the long run. They talked and Adrien came to the conclusion that Ladybug was in love with someone else and he needed to accept that. This wasn’t a waiting game. He needed to do what was healthy and would guarantee that his friendship with both Ladybug and Marinette stayed intact. As hard as it was he let his Lady go. She was obviously immensely happy with this mystery boy and Adrien was growing more attached to Marinette with every bat of those baby blue eyes of hers.

He changed into his pajamas and nestled into bed. His mind was speeding by taking his sleep with it. After tossing and turning unable to turn his brain off for a full half hour he sighed in defeat and swung out of bed and turned on his computer. The multiple screens lit up with images from the Ladyblog.

He closed them all and pulled up his Instagram instead. There was a new post from surprise surprise: Marinette. It was a picture of an alarm clock flashing the late hour. ‘Dumb brain. I have stuff to do tomorrow! #letmesleep!’

Adrien liked the photo and scrolled through the other posts on her profile. A lot of them were candid shots of her with friends or family. Others were of designs she was working on or delicious arrangements of the sweets in her parents’ bakery. He paused on a picture of her sitting on her rooftop terrace with the rising sun shining bright but not nearly as radiant as her smile.

Why did he have to have a crush on someone so freaking cute? It just wasn’t fair. How was he expected to function normally when she looked like that? How was he supposed to compare to her? She’s easily the most popular girl in school, she’s insanely talented, and rivals the courage of Ladybug herself. She is fourteen and has connections to Jagged Stone, Clara Nightingale, Nadja Chamack, her world famous chef uncle. She was publicly recognized and praised by Adrien’s hard to please father as well as Chloe’s even harder to please mother! She designs half the clothes she wears and they look professionally made. She was stylish and cute and no doubt she was going to wear something amazing to Nino’s party tomorrow. It would probably be pink. She looks great in pink. This is so bad! He’s gonna look like a complete idiot tomorrow. Not to mention that he promised her a dance. What if he stepped on her feet? What if he got all sweaty? No one wants to dance with a clumsy idiot with sweaty hands that can’t look a girl in the eye because everytime he does he forgets how to speak properly.

Why did Alya and Nino have to make him confront his feelings? This would be so much easier if he had been allowed to stay oblivious.

“You okay, kid?” Plagg asked when he noticed his holder spiraling deeper into his anxiety.

“She’s so great, Plagg. How am I supposed to do anything?” Adrien muttered.

“You’re both a mess so I don’t think she’ll notice you floundering.”

“Shockingly, that doesn’t help me any.”

“What do you want me to say? You’re the one in love with a girl that already has a huge crush on you and is freaking out over whether you’re gonna screw it up before anything’s begun. Get some sleep and stop worrying about it.”

“You’re right.” Adrien slipped back under the covers of his bed, “I shouldn’t be--wait what?! Marinette has a crush on me? Plagg? How do you know that? Plagg! I know you’re not asleep! Plagg! PLAGG!”

---

(1) (2) (4)

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 3.8

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time in chapter 3, Maki started to realise how her talent could be used for good as she helped Shuichi through the investigation, Kiyo was the worst and murdered Tenko as well, causing something of a setback in the fact that she’d just begun to get through to Himiko, the writers might still be trying to get us to think Kaito is expendable, Kaito’s illness took over as the most pressing issue on his mind, and he completely accidentally brought up the mastermind’s intent to nerf him with his phobia.

This time, the trial begins.

Kaito:  “Sorry everyone, but I don’t think I’m gonna be much help this time. Because of Monokuma’s… disruptions, I couldn’t do a thorough investigation.”

Kaito is still clinging to his unintentionally-completely-correct excuse to save face. It’s interesting to note how he apparently wants everybody to think that the way in which he’s useful and therefore needed to be nerfed is because he’s a good investigator, when he’s decidedly not. His real value – and presumably the reason the in-universe writers wanted to nerf him in this chapter – comes from being able to be there for and encourage Shuichi, and everyone else too. He should know this himself, but he doesn’t seem to want to frame things that way.

(And he’s still apologising even as he is arguing that it is supposedly not his fault.)

Kokichi:  “I can tell Monokuma is overcompensating to hide his self-consciousness.”

And obviously here Kokichi’s actually talking about Kaito. Which, to be fair, is correct, because Kaito doesn’t really believe his excuse is true.

Monokuma:  “Next time, spend less time fixing your hair and more time investigating, spaceman!”

It’s interesting that Monokuma comments on this too. I have to wonder whether or not he knew about the decision to nerf Kaito in this chapter – it’s not like he necessarily needs to know everything about what the writers have planned to manipulate the way the story goes, only the stuff directly related to the motives.

Kiyo:  “Do not let your emotions hasten your judgement. There may be two killers.”

Tsumugi:  “So… our other culprit… might nooot be one of us heeere…”

Tsumugi, you know full well that does not logically follow from what Kiyo just said. The possibility that the culprit is a spirit has nothing to do with the possibility that there are two killers. If you’re accepting that a ghost murderer is an option, then both victims could have been killed by a spirit, and it could have been the same one or two different ones. And if you’re trying to present a legitimate theory, you could try saying it like a normal person instead of putting on that spooky voice.

What I’m saying is, leave Kaito the fuck alone already, you know he’s not going to make a huge amount of difference in this trial either way. At this point you’re not even manipulating the story; you’re just being an unnecessary dick.

Maki:  “Say something, Shuichi. It’ll be a mess if this keeps going on.”

Maki is still frustrated at Kaito’s inability to be his usual self while this ghost stuff is going on and wants it to stop being a thing already. I don’t know why she can’t say something herself, though; she also read the Necronomicon.

Shuichi:  (Well, in the interest of being thorough, I should clear things up here.)

More like in the interest of keeping Kaito functional.

Gonta:  “So ritual did work!?”

“C-Come on…”

“I said stop…”

“Resurrected!?”

“Y-You gotta be kidding me!”

…

Miu:  “Angie did say she was gonna bring Rantaro back!”

“Guys?”

“Come on, be serious…”

“This can’t be happening!”

“So stop it, stop it!”

This is the kind of thing that white noise is really fun for.

Kaito:  “PLEASE! STOP IT!!!!”

“Shuichi, say something.”

…I still think loud outbursts like this aren’t quite in character for Kaito, though. At least we get some fun white noise from Maki here too.

Monokuma goes on to insist that the Necronomicon would have worked if it’d been used. So even though it was the cubs who made that claim to begin with, it is also backed up by Monokuma himself, and, well… he never usually lies about motives. Which is what led me to think up my Flashback-Light-and-clone theory I proposed earlier. That said, it is pretty awkward writing that they leave open this insistence that resurrection would have been possible but then never properly explain how at any point. They don’t even hint at it in a way that lets you figure it out on a replay if you’re paying attention (like how they hint at the reason for Kaito’s totally extraneous phobia). I only thought of my theory because I wanted to come up with something that worked, and this was all I could think of, not because I’m certain that it’s what the writers intended to be the truth.

Tsumugi:  “Oooh? So resurrecting the dead was actually possible this whole time?”

Leave him alone, for goodness’ sake! Just drop this lazily-written phobia plotline already and let Kaito move on to freaking out about the other thing you gave him to deal with, which is an infinitely better story than this. Not that I think that’s why you gave him that to deal with, but still.

Okay, wow, complete tangent here: I took a break here while writing the commentary and came back to it after booting the game up at this point in the trial, and… the screen was completely black, except for the textboxes and other UI stuff. The game still played, but I couldn’t see any of the text in the Nonstop Debate, so actually proceeding would have been nigh-impossible. I had to restart the class trial from the main menu to fix it and then fast-forward back to here. Is this a known glitch? Maybe it’s because I saved while a line was still in the middle of being read? Because that was a thing.

Kiyo:  “I did not care about some katana…”

He totally did, though; he was threatening to tear out Kokichi’s nerves if he touched it earlier in the chapter. It amuses me that the game acts as though you can try and prove that, too.

Kiyo:  “I had no desire to kill her in the first place.”

Yeah, of course not, it’s not like you’re a serial killer who targets girls or anything.

Kokichi:  “Well, it can’t be Himiko. She was besties with Angie. I trust their friendship! You guys do too, riiiight?”

Sure you do, Kokichi. Yet again, this is him trying to make a point of how foolishly naïve everyone else sounds for talking about friendship and trust in a killing game.

Keebo:  “…Can we trust their friendship so readily?”

Kokichi:  “Obviously! Let’s believe in them!”

Kokichi’s got this really mocking tone to his voice as he says this. He is really transparently just trying to make his own words about belief sound empty and hollow, to make people think that everyone else’s words about belief are just as hollow too.

Kiyo:  “And do you have an alibi for last night?”

Gonta:  “Gonta in room, talking to bug friends. Much better than being out too late at night. Ask bug friends if Kiyo doubt Gonta!”

Aww, Gonta. He doesn’t realise that other people don’t speak bug and so can’t question his bug friends, so obviously this makes a perfectly good alibi, right?

Kokichi:  “Yeah, I did it. I killed Angie.”

Shuichi:  (…Hm.)

I love how Shuichi’s immediate reaction to this is one of utmost scepticism.

Kiyo:  “What are you saying? Is this some kind of joke?”

Kiyo looks more flustered than you’d expect him to be about this if he weren’t the murderer. He is so confused as to why the fuck Kokichi would confess to something he knows he didn’t do.

Shuichi:  “The gold leaf on that katana did peel rather easily.”

Monokuma:  “Hmmm… That evidence rings a bell. Specifically, a school bell…”

Yeah, because everyone in the audience is a big Danganronpa genwunner and you put that here to pander to them, apparently.

(Like, seriously. Fifty-two past seasons. People should not be so fixated on season 1 any more.)

Ugh, these Psyche Taxi segments. Practically every time, the first two or three questions are things that have already been clearly established and only the last question has you actually figure out something new, this time that the whole katana-effigy-rope setup was used to lock the door by being spun around. Why the heck not just take that last question and make it a regular multiple choice question.

Kokichi claimed earlier during his confession that he locked the room by picking the lock closed, so this gets him to admit he didn’t actually do it after all.

Maki:  “Why did you say you were the culprit?”

Kokichi:  “…I wanted to lure the culprit out. If I claimed to be the culprit, then the *real* culprit would agree as well, ya get me?”

Yeah, except that the real culprit did not jump on the opportunity to save himself by condemning Kokichi (and why would he even try to, since Kokichi was already busy condemning himself with his confession). What Kokichi’s confession actually achieved in terms of smoking out the culprit was having Kiyo be subtly the most bewildered out of anyone by it. But Kokichi didn’t pick up on that subtlety, apparently (or if he did he’s still keeping it to himself, thanks a lot Kokichi), so fat lot of good his whole ploy was.

Kokichi:  “And if they pressured me to confess, then that would have looked mighty suspicious. Sheesh! Darn it! It didn’t go my way because Shuichi butted in on my plan.”

You were already confessing. Obviously the culprit wouldn’t have needed to pressure you to confess any more. Your plan was already failing before Shuichi came along and put the lid on it. You are not as clever as you think.

Kaito:  “That leaves us with four suspects… Tsumugi, Gonta, Keebo… and Kokichi.”

Kokichi:  “Don’t forget Himiko. She’s also a part of the student council. Doesn’t matter if she was besties with Angie, she’s still a suspect.”

And here’s Kokichi proving just how transparently manipulative and two-faced he was being a few minutes ago. (Look at Kaito low-key running with the “it wasn’t Himiko because they were friends” argument, though. Of course he would.)

Himiko:  “Me? A suspect? I’d… never kill Angie!”

Himiko is having emotions!

Kokichi asks all of the “Suspect Rangers” what they think they could say to clear their names. Everyone is understandably unsure (what can they say; obviously no-one has alibis), then…

Himiko:  “Why… did Tenko have to die?”

Kaito:  “Huh?”

Aww, Himiko. And I like Kaito being the one to react to that, because of course he cares about her suffering and wants to help if he can.

Himiko:  “Can we talk about Tenko’s case now and not just Angie’s—”

Kokichi:  “Mwah-hahahaha! I got ya exactly where I wanted, Himiko!”

…And Kokichi was apparently trying to bait someone into changing the topic to Tenko’s murder, under the assumption that whoever does so is Angie’s killer trying to misdirect everyone.

But no, Kokichi, Himiko doing this doesn’t prove she killed Angie. It just proves that she’s a person who’s having emotions about the fact that the two people who cared about her most are now dead.

Kokichi:  “Until we solve Angie’s case, Tenko’s case is meaningless! Did you suggest that to waste our ti—”

Himiko:  “It’s not meaningless!”

Shuichi:  (Himiko?)

Himiko:  “Tenko’s death was meaningless? How dare you! Poor Tenko… How could you do this to her!?”

Look at Himiko go! Look at her getting genuinely fired up and emotional because Kokichi is being a dick about the fact that her would-have-been friend is dead!

Kokichi:  “Himiko, stop it with your crappy lies.”

Himiko:  “Lies…?”

Kokichi:  “Everything you said is total BS. You didn’t give two shits about Tenko when she was alive… But now you’re like, ‘Oh no! Poor Tenko!’ after she’s dead. C’mon, really?”

And again we have an example of Kokichi projecting his own manipulative assholery onto someone else because he can’t comprehend the notion that other people don’t think like he does. If he were in Himiko’s shoes and had not cared about Tenko while she was alive but was claiming to care now, obviously that’d be him lying to try and get sympathy and misdirect everyone, so that’s definitely what Himiko’s doing too, right? It couldn’t possibly be that she’s realised she was unfairly cold towards Tenko and regrets it now that it’s too late or anything.

Like, seriously, Kokichi, you were there in the seance room when Tenko gave her final speech to Himiko. Have some fucking empathy, dude, instead of trying to make everything about you.

(There could be an argument made here that Kokichi is being a dick about this on purpose to push Himiko into admitting to her feelings and showing them. But this started as Kokichi making an attempt to bait out the killer and wasn’t specifically about Himiko until she spoke up, and she was already having emotions at that point. For Kokichi to then continue to be even more of a dick, even after she’d started getting really riled up and passionate, would not be at all necessary if he were secretly trying to help her. So that’s not what he’s doing. He’s just projecting and genuinely believes she doesn’t care.)

Himiko:  “I know I ignored Tenko before… That’s why… I’m so upset now… I should’ve faced Tenko… worked things out with her while she was still alive. But now… it’s too late. I can’t complain to her… or thank her…”

Poor Himiko is finally accepting that Tenko was always trying to help her and that all she was doing was running away from the advice Tenko was giving. It’s just a shame it took Tenko’s death for it to fully sink in.

Himiko:  “It’s… too la—”

Kaito:  “Yeah, seriously! It’s way too late to realize that now.”

And here comes Kaito, doing what he can to help! This is essentially an application of his philosophy that simply moping around lamenting bad things isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Kaito:  “Our only option is to face her death head-on!”

Himiko:  “…Nyeh? Face her death?”

Kaito:  “Himiko… I understand what you’re going through.”

It’s a little oddly specific of Kaito to say that he understands what Himiko’s going through when he hasn’t personally lost anyone he was especially close to so far in this killing game. Yet, I really, really don’t think that Kaito would lie or exaggerate about something this serious and personal. He wouldn’t try and artificially make things about himself when this is 100% about Himiko right now. So… more fuel for the “Kaito’s parents died” train? I really think it is. Him having dealt with his parents’ death by trying his best to face it head-on definitely sounds like the kind of thing Kaito would have done that would have helped shape him into the person he is today.

(Also, assuming that Kaito did lose his parents, it’s still notable that he’s not explicitly mentioning this as his reason for why he cares so much about helping Himiko, because this still isn’t about him and as much as possible he wants to avoid making it so.)

Kaito:  “So I’m gonna help you out! Let’s work together to find the truth! I’m not gonna let anyone say her death didn’t matter!”

Himiko:  “K-Kaito…!”

Aww, Himiko being appreciative of Kaito’s support. After losing the two people she was closest to, she must be feeling completely alone and like nobody’s on her side, but here’s Kaito showing that he is on her side. That has to really help.

Kaito:  “Abandoning someone who died and only thinking about your own survival… That’s just as bad as a hit-and-run! I won’t forgive something so messed up!”

…Did Kaito’s parents die in a hit-and-run.

It is just like Kaito to be furious at any hypothetical person who commits a hit-and-run regardless of who the victims were, just for running away from what they did rather than owning up to it and facing the pain they inadvertently caused. But even so, this is a strangely specific thing for him to bring up in this particular situation, unless he has some personal investment in hit-and-runs that has made him think about this before and is at the front of his mind because he was already thinking about his parents.

I am like 90% certain this is something the writers deliberately intended to imply here, and again I love that there are subtle details about Kaito like this that don’t need to be outright stated because that doesn’t stop them being true.

Kokichi:  “I already told you, that’s sooo unnecessary. We’re getting sidetracked here.”

Kaito:  “No, even if it was a different culprit, we need to know how Tenko died. If we don’t find out who killed her, we won’t be able to work together. Not now, not ever.”

He’s so right! If they come out of this trial only knowing who killed Angie and not who killed Tenko, then there will always be the looming possibility that one of the remaining survivors killed Tenko and is still hiding that fact. It would be impossible to truly trust each other with that hanging over everyone. And of course Kaito would have already considered the risk of that happening, because he’s always thinking about everyone’s co-operation. Kaito is so good.

(And look, Kokichi is still arguing that Tenko’s death is meaningless even when this is no longer so much about Himiko’s feelings, so that was never why he was saying that.)

Kokichi:  “Finally, you noticed! Geez, you’re so slow.”

Yeah, sure, Kokichi, you just try and save face and pretend that you were aware of that all along and that Kaito’s the one who’s slow on the uptake, not you. I totally believe that you were already aware of this notion which centres around the concepts of co-operation and trust; it’s not like you have trouble even comprehending those ideas or anything. God, Kokichi is so incapable of ever admitting when he’s wrong.

Shuichi:  (I don’t mind going over Tenko’s case… But that was an abrupt change of topic. Was that… intentional…?)

Shuichi, don’t tell me you’re actually being fooled by Kokichi’s attempt to imply that Himiko only changed the topic to draw attention away from the fact that she supposedly killed Angie.

Miu:  “So those four are the culprits!”

Gonta:  “Oh… Himiko still culprit?”

Why are we still using the words “culprit” and “suspect” interchangeably. Gonta I can understand, but come on, Miu.

Kiyo:  “True, I may have suggested it. But I explained the procedure beforehand, yes? If we all knew of it before the murder then we are all equally suspicious.”

Not really, though. That makes it possible that the others could have done it, but Kiyo is still clearly more suspicious than anyone else because he’s the one who wouldn’t shut up about this seance for the past several days and definitely knew every single detail of it.

Kiyo argues that Keebo did it by using his flashlight to sneak in under the floor. He’s later going to try and claim Himiko did it because she picked the room. He has absolutely no game plan for this, does he. Most killers usually at least try to pin it on one specific person and make all the facts seem to point to them.

Miu is also totally on board with claiming Keebo did it. So much for her caring about him, then.

Keebo:  “My status as a robot does not mean I am capable of performing superhuman feats!”

I mean… you are, Keebo. Nobody else here can shine light from their eyes or replay recordings of conversations they were witness to without additional equipment.

Kaito:  “Enough with the flashlight! It’s way too bright!”

Kaito being specifically the one to complain here makes me wonder if his illness is making him more sensitive to bright lights than usual.

Tsumugi:  “Maybe they marked Tenko with glowing paint and looked for that? That’d let the culprit find her. Then they could stab her through the floorboards…”

Monokuma:  “Boy, that sounds really familiar too! But I’m just gonna ignore it!”

…Yeah. On a first time through, this would just seem like a fun little continuity nod that Tsumugi just unintentionally happened to make. But really, it’s a pretty clever subtle hint towards the mastermind’s identity. Less subtle of a hint for people who know what’s truly going on here, though – by which I mean the in-universe audience. You’d think this would have basically told them who it is.

Kokichi:  “Nee-heehee… What if Angie’s spirit killed Tenko?”

I’m going to assume that Kokichi doesn’t really think spirits are a thing and is just suggesting this because it gives him an opportunity to be a huge dick to Kaito again.

Kokichi:  “See? You can’t explain, can you? Only a spirit could have done th—”

Kaito:  “W-Wait, I know! What if the culprit was hiding inside the cage!? If they were in there, they coulda stabbed Tenko during the seance!”

I am amused by Kaito proposing something way stupider than he usually would in his desperation to move the topic away from spirits.

Maki:  “I agree with Kaito. The culprit could have been inside the cage.”

And then Maki going along with that seemingly ridiculous theory for a much more sensible reason.

Maki:  “Maybe the culprit wouldn’t need to hide in the first place.”

Kiyo:  “What?”

Maki:  “Also, the culprit could’ve killed her in the cage at any time. I think you know what I’m getting at, right?”

This, however, is a frustrating example of someone acting uncharacteristically vague just so that the player controlling Shuichi can have a game to play and figure it out themselves. Maki would not usually beat around the bush like this.

Kiyo:  “After stabbing herself with the sickle, she threw it underneath the floor.”

Still pretty difficult to buy that the sickle ended up in the corner of the room from that, though.

Himiko:  “W-Well it doesn’t make sense to me! There’s no reason for Tenko to commit suicide!”

Damn right it doesn’t make any sense! Look at Himiko understanding and believing in Tenko at last.

Of course Kokichi is the one to make the argument that Tenko killed Angie and then killed herself out of guilt and hid her suicide in an attempt to take Himiko with her, because that kind of selfish, underhanded assholery makes perfect sense in his mind as something that someone who liked Himiko would do.

Kokichi:  “Himiko, you said that Tenko would never do anything like that… But how can you be so sure? Did you guys *actually* know each other? People keep all sorts of secrets, like Maki. She hid the fact that she’s a cold-blooded killer. Is it wise of us to trust people wholeheartedly in this kind of situation?”

Kokichi is so utterly, unshakably convinced that trusting anyone ever, and especially in a killing game, is completely illogical no matter how they might have acted towards you.

Kaito:  “Geez… you’re such a naive dude.”

Kokichi:  “…Naive?”

Kaito:  “We’re all just people, y’know? Of course we’re gonna have some secrets. What matters is whether there’s any malice behind ‘em.”

Kaito continues to have the best philosophy, yet again. He knows that people are complicated and therefore that doing a bad thing doesn’t necessarily make someone a bad person. The simple act of hiding something from others is not inherently malicious. Maki was hiding something bad about herself, but it wasn’t for a malicious reason! It was to protect herself, not to hurt everyone.

And this is delightfully relevant to the main theme of this game, that lies can sometimes be used for good. While Kokichi is usually the person one would think of as advocating that idea the most, maybe Kaito actually believes that more than Kokichi does.

Kokichi:  “People can lie about how malicious their hidden secrets really are.”

…Because Kokichi is irrationally convinced that if someone is hiding something, it’s always for malicious reasons. That’s why he was so terrified of Maki. That’s why he continued to try and push the idea that Maki was a terrible person even once she’d explained her non-malicious reasons for hiding her talent and everyone else had more or less accepted it.

Kaito was not wrong to call Kokichi naïve. Think about how Gonta is naïve: he always assumes the best of everyone when there’s no evidence either way, and even sometimes when there is circumstantial evidence indicating that they’re not such a good person. Kokichi is exactly like that, but in the opposite direction: when things are ambiguous, he always assumes the worst of everyone, even to the point of selectively ignoring circumstantial evidence that indicates they might not be so bad after all. It’s an unusual use of the word “naïve”, but not an inaccurate one. While Gonta is childishly convinced that everyone is always good and wants to help each other, Kokichi is childishly convinced that everyone is always bad and out to get each other.

Kaito:  “Well duh. It’s impossible to know for sure what others are thinking. That’s why it all comes down to whether or not you believe in yourself!”

Kaito isn’t doing a great job of explaining exactly what he means here – one would have expected his sentence to end with “believe in them” – but there is a logic to this that makes sense to him. It still is about whether you believe in that person, but Kaito extends this to then also be about whether you believe that your own judgement of that person is correct, despite not being able to know for sure what’s going on in their head. And of course Kaito can believe in himself in this way – as I have pointed out time and again, he has an incredibly keen intuition when it comes to other people and has literally never been wrong so far and never will in future. Kaito has full confidence in how good his intuition is (his “official Luminary of the Stars hunches”!), which is why he’s able to believe in other people as strongly as he does.

(Okay, technically Kaito’s intuition has been wrong so far about one person: Ryoma. Which is to say that Kaito’s intuition is only ever wrong when his issues about heroism get in the way and cloud his judgement. He’s going to be wrong in future for that reason, too – but only for that reason. When that’s not a factor, which is most of the time, his intuition is and will always be correct.)

Kaito:  “If you get betrayed, it’s not their fault! It’s your fault for believing in them! That’s why I believed in Maki Roll! Because I wanted to believe in her!”

Kaito is not like Gonta in this regard. He does not just blindly believe that everyone is good without proof. His proof is his judgement – which isn’t completely concrete evidence, but it’s more than enough for him to be willing to take that risk. And again, he knows he’s taking a risk by doing this. He’s fully accepting of the possibility that he might be wrong. But if he turns out to be, then that’s the fault of his judgement being wrong, not of the person in question for being who they always were in the first place. It’s a really great philosophy that would help anyone avoid becoming paranoid, because it puts any problems down to misunderstandings between people, rather than the other person having been deliberately out to get you.

Maki:  “Just because you’re acting all cool doesn’t mean you get to skip training.”

Pfft. But also, this is Maki not quite getting Kaito once again. He’s not saying this to try and make himself look good! He’s doing it because this is what he believes, and it’s relevant to the discussion, so why wouldn’t he say it? He’s just being Kaito.

Kaito:  “H-Hey, c’mon… Don’tcha think you’re being a little too strict?”

…Although it seems like Kaito might want an excuse to skip training, you know, because of the whole dying thing. Still, I don’t for a second believe that’s the reason he gave this speech.

Kokichi:  “Well, we come from different backgrounds. So for now, let’s agree to disagree.”

You want to tell us what it is about your “background” that gives you such ridiculously massive trust issues, Kokichi? No? No, of course not.

Like, I understand why Kokichi would never want to talk about the reason why he’s like this. Even so, it frustrates me to no end that the writing never even tries to hint at what it is. I would like him so much more as a character if I could get a proper, cohesive picture of why he is this way and not just that he is this way! I’d be able to really empathise with him and feel his fear of betrayal instead of just intellectually knowing that he must have it. But that picture just isn’t there. (And it’s not like it couldn’t be there even without Kokichi directly talking about it. Look at how many things about Kaito I’ve been able to point out and be almost completely certain are true even though they’re only subtly hinted at.)

Kokichi:  “No one’s ever called me naive before. And from Kaito? Seriously?”

Haha, Kokichi is so mad at the notion that Kaito’s the rational one while he’s not. Of course he’d want to insist that it’s Kaito who’s naïve for buying into all this nonsense about belief. But no, in reality, Kaito’s philosophy about believing in people isn’t naïve at all. It’s not for everyone, sure, but it has great internal consistency and logic to it. Kokichi constantly tries to insist that his own philosophy is the sensiblest most rationalest in order to protect himself from any notion that he might be in the wrong by being an untrusting lying asshole, but really, the logic of his philosophy falls apart as soon as you get to the “everyone must be a bad person no matter what because I’m terrified of thinking otherwise and then turning out to be mistaken”.

Himiko:  “My heart… can’t reach Tenko anymore… But I wanna believe in her… She wouldn’t commit suicide! She wouldn’t try to take us down! That’s what I want to believe!”

Yay, Himiko buying into Kaito’s philosophy!

Gonta:  “Me too. Gonta no can believe Tenko commit suicide.”

And of course Gonta would believe in her too.

Kiyo:  “If you insist we believe in Tenko, then provide a reason to do so.”

Shuichi:  (A proper reason…) “Alright… I’ll give you a reason.”

There is no evidence-based reason to believe that Tenko didn’t commit suicide. Shuichi believes in her as a person, just like Himiko does and just like Kaito was encouraging them to do, but in order to get the others who don’t believe in her to buy that she didn’t kill herself, there needs to be evidence. So Shuichi is planning to lie.

Maki:  “…Is there a reason?”

Shuichi: “Yes, there is. Will you trust me, Maki? If it turns out I’m wrong, you can blame me all you like. But for now… I need you to trust in my detective work.”

He’s not really asking Maki trust his detective skills; he’s asking her to trust his judgement of Tenko’s personality and play along with his lie. It’s exactly like Kaito was saying: you have to believe that your own judgement of that person is accurate – and if you can believe in someone else’s judgement too, that works the same way. (That’s also why Shuichi started believing in Maki in the previous trial – because Kaito did, and Shuichi decided to trust his judgement.)

Tsumugi:  “But if Tenko did commit suicide… It would explain why she died during the seance.”

“Makes sense to Gonta…”

What do you mean it makes sense to you, Gonta? You were just saying how you believed that Tenko would never kill herself!

Maki:  “…You’re right. I completely forgot about that important detail. Tenko died instantly…”

Yay for Maki believing in Shuichi’s judgement and lying with him! Even though she has to make herself seem careless in order to do so.

Kokichi:  “Nee-heehee… Words of a true killer. Pretty sure we can believe everything she said.”

Yeah, Kokichi’s pretty sure she just lied, isn’t he. Look at him still trying to imply that everyone should doubt her just because she’s an assassin, without actually calling out her lie and dragging the trial back to a halt.

Kaito:  “How could you forget that, Maki Roll? You better apologize to Shuichi!”

Maki:  “…Excuse me?”

Shuichi:  “I-It’s okay, Kaito, really. No apology necessary…”

And I love how Kaito is completely oblivious to the fact that they both just lied.

(Again, reminder: Kaito advocates apologising when you’ve genuinely made a mistake.)

Himiko:  “Just like I thought… Tenko wouldn’t commit suicide…”

Gonta:  “…Thank goodness, Himiko.”

Aww, Himiko looks to relieved to hear proof that she’s right to believe in Tenko, having no idea that the “proof” is a lie. And Gonta is so happy, all for her sake. What a good.

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