#I forgive them for being a human character they’re silly and have shapes

[arolesbianism]

Sier? I haven’t even met her! Laugh.

[tg-headcanons]

Touka Was Done So Dirty So I Must Analyze It

I have a lot to say about how poorly Tokyo Ghoul turned out. There was so much wasted potential, so much meaningless angst, so many straight relationships crammed where they didn’t need to be, and so many sudden, anticlimactic plot points. But of all of the mishandling and poor choices, I think that Touka’s treatment is the worst.

Touka was a complex and interesting character. She was raised by loving parents, one of whom died early, the other lived a little longer while doing everything he could to impart lessons to keep her and her brother alive. When he died she was suddenly forced to become her brother’s guardian and rush out into a world that is so much less forgiving than her father was. They got taken in by her uncle and his friends, housed and fed, and she even got the opportunity to pursue an education which is a monumental luxury to ghouls. Despite resenting humans for the way her family was massacred and she is forced to live, she became close to a human, looking past her trauma for a friendship she cherishes. Her brother reacted badly to the idea of her being around such a dangerous person who could have them killed like their parents were, and ran off to join Aogiri, leaving her and her uncle as the last remnants of their family.

Touka is angry, and id say rightfully so. Her parents murder, being forced to grow up far too fast, being forced to live in this war she was drafted into at birth, any one thing would be enough to fuck someone up. She has all that going on, so understandable, she’s going to be pissed at the world. If it ended there it would be perfect, a great starting point for a character to delve deep into the concepts of society shaping identity, but then the worst happened

Touka is an archetype I like to call ”Angry Teen Girl”

Before we talk about the archetype, let’s talk about teen girls in real life, specifically how they’re treated by society. The teen girl in the public eye is simultaneously the epitome of beauty who is seductive and manipulative and lustful, as well as airheaded and shallow and naive and pure. The way that changes has to do with the convenience of the adult male onlooker. She’s A tactical mastermind when she doesn’t want to fuck you and she’s an airhead when she has opinions. She’s a prude when she doesn’t respond to advances and a whore when she wears a t-shirt. Most importantly, she’s a silly stupid baby when she demands independence and respect, and a grown woman who should know better when she acts her age

Teen girls don’t have the same understanding that boys their age do. When a teen boy messes up its “oh he’s 15 he’s still learning.” When a teen girl messes up its “shes 15 shes practically an adult she should know better by now.” Because adult men have decided the teen girl is desirable, she’s forced to grow up faster to save them the shame of acknowledging that she is a literal child. And after being treated like stupid children and sexy mature adults, teen girls are rightfully angry. This is so universal, so all encompassing, that almost every teen girl has this undercurrent of anger and grief at how they’d been socialized. Because of that, it too is brushed off as “stupid teen girls and their silly little feelings.”

This is where the Angry Teen Girl trope comes in. There is so much history behind women’s treatment, so many valid reasons for a teenage girl to be pissed, but this character is almost always played off as a joke. Either a joke or something to fix.

Back to Touka, let’s run through this again, this time through her eyes. Her family was perfect until it was taken violently away, she had to become violent against her dead fathers wishes to protect her little brother, that little brother who she was forced to sacrifice her bloodless life for left her for having a single friend, she lived her whole life knowing that no matter who she is or what she does the world hates her and she’s going to be murdered by the state. She has to deal with all of this, and then she meets Kaneki, who tells her to her face that he’s better than her because he was human, not realizing that not eating people is a privilege from birth that she never had. Touka is angry, and Touka is a child. A traumatized child who isn’t in the right for her violent reaction, but isn’t an adult with a peaceful world who knows better

Now if people just hated her for that then fine, but there is a huge overlap of the people who hate Touka for her aggressive personality, and people who love ayato. For every “she’s a bitch who’s so mean and super violent and shouldn’t be killing investigators when she doesn’t need to and deserves getting hurt” there’s a “he’s a sweet boy who’s trying his best and he killed all those people because he’s traumatized.” More and more, it’s clear that the same sympathy given to ayato, the much more violent and aggressive sibling, is not given to his sister. Right off the bat, she’s easy for many to dismiss because the misogynistic tropes that made her are fully reinforced

She is established as a complex person who simultaneously resents humanity for how ghouls are treated and doesn’t want them dead. She’s aggressive to her loved ones as a way to protect them and kills investigators so they don’t have the chance to threaten them. She’s angry because of how she spent her whole life just barely avoiding death at the hands of a genocidal government, she’s angry that she has to live this way, she’s even angry that she had to become violent at all and couldn’t live the peaceful life she could have had

But because she is an Angry Teen Girl, nothing matters except “But She’s such a bitch”

Now Touka at this point is still a great character, but things go south fast. The focus shifts from the world and complex relationships to Kaneki. Out of nowhere, Touka is pining after him. Out of nowhere, she has feelings for him. It was more convenient to just Insert Romance instead of developing them. Even if it stopped here Touka would still be a great character, but it didn’t.

After she fled anteiku, her character died. Not only was she completely cast aside during Ken’s Plot Convenience And Honestly Lazy Amnesia arc, but everything behind her character was stripped to its bare bones

You see, the Angry Teen Girl is only a teen for so long, and she can become one of two things: Hysterical sad evil woman or Calm Momwife. It’s a problem a lot of male authors have of only seeing a woman’s anger as a character flaw. In order to keep her as a hero, her anger needs to be “fixed,” and even that isn’t done well.

Suddenly, her drive is gone. Her love of Yoriko is completely abandoned, as is her reason to care for average humans. Her ambitions of collage and success are cast aside. Her complicated feeling towards her brother become “oh I get it it’s all cool I love him and just want him safe no hard feelings haha.” By the time we see her in Re:, she is no longer Touka. She is just the Momwife personality she got crammed into because Ishida just couldn’t think of a use for this previously complex character than “Wife And Mom.”

I’m not saying that she should have stayed angry and aggressive, but she should have stayed consistent, she should have changed over time and for coherent reasons. Such pivotal parts of her character are unceremoniously thrown out, we don’t even get a good explanation for why she turned out that way. Yes, she could rebuild her family with her brother, but it should have been built up to. Yes, she could leave Yoriko behind, but it should have any reason for it at all. Hell, I’m a die hard Hidekane fan, but I’d say she could have had a great romance with Kaneki if it didn’t come out of nowhere

She was “calmed” by having her dreams stripped from her after losing anteiku. She was given her “happy ending” by getting knocked up from desperate and uncomfortable pity sex. She was a girl who wanted to go to collage and protect her loved ones, she had queer undertones of being in love with her human fried, she had reasonable aggression as a self defense mechanism. Any one of these things could spring into an arc of their own.

But all that was thrown out in favor of being the most convenient straight love interest for Kaneki, though her personality was so incompatible with him that it had to be stripped bare to even pretend it works

If she had been given the same treatment as her brother and had her anger treated as a byproduct of the way she’s forced to survive rather than a self caused character flaw, she could have been perfect. If she’d been kept in the focus and not shoved aside for so much of Re:, she would have been good. If any part of her character at all stayed in tact, she would have been fine. But instead she’s reduced to either a Bitchy Child or Momwife. She was so interesting, and I wish her character didn’t get gutted for the sake of her male family and rushed love interest

[arcadejohn127-9]

Can you do a headcannon with the undateables now dateables please?? 😁 with an mc that wears a ton of make up and one day she doesn't cuz she forgot and they are like astounded by mcs looks and compliment them and tell them they don't need to wear so much cuz they are beautiful! Thank you!!!

I'm sure you didn't mean it for it to be like this, but this ask has a "I got stuff that's internalised" vibes and so I'm going to make this a teaching moment.

To Everyone who follows, wearing makeup or not is up to you - how much you wear is your bussiness. Besides, what is considered 'alot' could be a natural look depending on how many products you use.

I personally don't use foundation or concealer, my face is spotless and smooth and I incorporate my eyebags into my eye looks. But there's still the amount of eyeshadow I use as contour, actual eyeshadow, eyeliner guide and even to add more vibrance or odd colours to my lips. I also use eyeliner. Which doesn't seem like alot but its full face look.

Your makeup is your business and you shouldn't shame those who do wear it or those who don't nor should you rely on a man or woman to tell you when you look good. Your always look good, period. The trope of girls who stops wearing loads of makeup turns out to be naturally pretty just links to a mindset that people who do wear makeup only wear it because their ugly or trying to hide their true appearance.

Which is stupid because unless you're going out your way to do face morph looks, makeup is used to enhance features you already have. It just helps to bring attention to how pretty your features are.

"they don't need to wear so much because they're beautiful!" You don't stop being beautiful when you put makeup on. Again how much you wear and what you do with your appearance is your bussiness.

But I think that's enough of me going on, let's actually get into this.

Diavolo:

"ah, what a surprise, you're not wearing your makeup today, did something happen?"

He looked at your curiously

You dissmivley waved your hand, smiling

"Oh-! Yeah- I forgot to do it this morning and didn't want to run late for class, that's all."

"you look stunning might I add without it, it's a refreshing change - that sounded rude...I didn't mean for it come out like that."

He immediately looked guilty

Hand over his mouth realizing his words, he his lips pursed

It looked like he was internally beating himself up about it

You decided to be nice, patting his shoulder, seeing he didn't mean for it come out like that

"You're right, I am stunning but yeah, I get what you mean, it's new and I look good without it but I also good in it! It makes me feel good and lets me show off my favourite features."

You used your hands to shape and point out said features

Diavolo intently watched your hands but still had a guilty and apologetic expression

"I see, forgive my rudeness I never intended to imply anything, I'm glad you have something that makes you feel confident and happy."

"it's okay, Dia, perhaps I can do a look on you aswell? Show you the appeal."

Diavolo could be a child at heart and he almost squealed

He has been interested by your makeup ever since you've arrived

But instead of letting himself show his full excitement he nodded, grinning

He was aware of his butler's eyes on him aswell as Lucifer's

"I'd be delighted to."

Barbatos:

"I had a feeling I'd see a surprise today, it appears it was you, is there a reason you've decided to not do your usual look?"

"it sounds silly but just forgot, I was so tired this morning I'm pretty sure I dreamed doing my routine and couldn't tell the difference."

You laughed at yourself, gently scratching your cheek

You were embarassed by how easily tricked you were by your tired mind but you couldn't really blame yourself

You haven't been sleeping much so after finally getting the best sleep in your life you were bound to get groggy

He smiled, tilting his head to the side

His eyes looked as if he was scolding you

"thats abit alarming, get your needed sleep though the change isn't uninvited, you're very pretty."

You could tell he meant no harm by his words

But you've dealt with situations similar to this where the person was being very passive aggressive

It made you feel bitter and have a need to explain yourself

"I'll be sure to sleep, thanks but this isn't going to be a permanent thing, I'm very much happy with my usual look! Makes me feel more pretty~ I don't think there's such a thing as being too pretty."

You both chuckled at your end statement

"Fair, I do not control what you do but I advise you stop spending so much with asmodeus, you're starting to sound like him - I have actually done makeup myself, perhaps you'd like to see some examples? I'm intrigued if you have any feedback or tips I could use."

"asmo is just truthful! But on a serious note, I'd actually love to see that and feel honoured you'd want my feedback! You better not back out on this."

Solomon:

"I almost didn't recognize you, what a stray from your usual look, it's very off brand - I'm afraid viewers might be displeased."

You couldn't help but smile

He was using an inside joke you two made

After refering to one of the years as a season you two started making a few jokes about it

But it became a habit and now you two just had a thing were you pretended you were self aware TV characters

"Oh no! We can't have the ratings go down! Haha- I don't look that different, don't be ridiculous, I think it's just your eyes old man."

You poked the side of his face, near his eye

He frowned, he let you have passes on calling him old due to favouritism

But still got grumpy when you joked and brought him his age

You did only say it to tease and if he got genuinely upset or mad about it you'd immediately stop

"I'm not old, just wise - just for that your fanbase has shrunk but sadly, your good looks will bring them back."

You had a light blush on your cheeks, waving your hand

Acting as if you've swooned for him you leaned against his shoulder

"you're so kind yet so mean~ but I'm sure they'll prefer my normal form than this one, I kinda feel naked without my makeup - it's almost shameful."

"don't say that so loud, who knows who'll turn up naked, I'd rather not experience that today."

You bursted out laughing

Meanwhile he looked like he was experiencing Flashback'

Simeon:

"I like the new look, it's very natural! but is that makeup or your actual-"

"My face is bare, I forgot to put it on, not really bothered today."

His slender finger was pointed to your face, squinting to see if he could see

You almost wanted to laugh but you just lazily shrugged your shoulders

"oh! You're still look just as beautiful, I can't believe I couldn't tell, ever since I saw your more extra looks I've been looking into makeup and I saw people could make it look like they weren't wearing any."

"Thanks but don't worry, I'm not Insecure without it or anything, just really enjoy it! - oh? You're looking into it? Is there any looks you like specially, some people are really amazing at looking extremely natural or being really artistic - it's amazing."

He nodded

"pardon me then, I didn't mean to imply anything I just saw how much bad press was around it all and wanted to say incase but yes, I'm extremely intrigued by high light! It's so sparkly!"

He looked apologetic before his expression turned into one of awe and inspiration

You smiled, happy to see he was interested in something you were already passionate about

It was good to see him wanting to learn and gain interest

"You're sweet Simeon but this human is very happy! I see~ let me do your makeup later or a day you're free, I can give you my extra shimmery high light to really make those cheekbones of yours pop!"

His eyes were sparkling so brightly

Grinning from ear to ear with excitement

"I'd love to! Please, I want you to show me all your amazing ideas."

Luke:

"Your face is different, you're not wearing makeup!"

"And your face is still childlike, you're correct though, I forgot to do it."

You both pouted at each other, glaring

The moment quickly ended as soon as he started to speak

"oh, I thought this was going to be a thing now....you're pretty, why do you wear it? You don't need to especially the amount you normally wear."

You frowned

Annoyed no one has taught him about this kind of thing and how what he was saying was rude

Mentally noting to speak to Solomon and Simeon about this

But you couldn't be too mad, he was a child

You decided to make this a reaching moment for the young angel

"Well you see Luke, anyone can wear makeup even if they're super confident with their features or super Insecure, it makes people feel good and extra attractive or it can make you look dead and gross - really up to the person - and I'm just someone who really likes wearing makeup and alot of it, what may seem like alot to others could be basic to others, it's all about your personal touch and wants."

"I see....I'm sorry I didn't really understand-"

He looked absolutely devastated

Ashamed and guilty and extremely apologetic

"It's okay, I know you're still learning about these things - hey, how about I do your makeup and we can see what you like?"

You lifted his puffy hat, ruffling the messy hair beneath it

He didn't even swat your hand away

He was too excited and relieved by what you were saying, he jumped up and down as his hands turned into fists

"Really?! I'd- I'd like that, I'll go ask Simeon if you can come over and do it for me! Maybe we can try out your kind of style?"

"Sounds perfect, now go ask~"

He hastily rushed off to find the older demon

You watched from slight afar him asking permission but gave simeon a 'we need to talk' look

[vegalocity]

What would happen if Syntax actually did get cured of the venom? Would he still want to hang around Huntsman and Goliath or would he Think 'huh. Maybe having the people who KIDNAPPED ME around me and my family Probably isn't the best idea.' - Pixel Anon

Uhhhhhhhhhhh yeah I think the answer is Not Good Things Will Happen. I think the answer is ‘Y’all are down an integral clan member hope you didn’t have any plans that hinged on technology or science in general right now.’

Honestly I think you don’t even need to throw Minyi and Xiuying into that equation to make that the answer. Even if you assume Syntax was essentially just alone in the world before spiderfication if he got the spider limbs pulled off and the venom drained from his system, no matter WHAT his Backstory is i think he’d just book it, he’d be OUTTA THERE he is GONE. He’s running before the purple has fully faded from his skin.

And when you THROW IN the ladies, then… well even more so. He’s got Minyi in one arm, a duffel bag in the other and loading into the gd car headed for Xiuying’s cabin to lay low for awhile.

(this gets long so it's under the cut)

Like, most people like to assume that there was a sort of… adjustment period when he had just been spiderfied, usually the flavor of ‘someone (usually Huntsman) reminding him of how he is at his base a human, not a spider, not one of them, and the second he stops being useful is the second he’s only good for how he’ll taste’ and even if he wasn’t afraid of whoever it was in the moment, confident in his ability to manuver extra limbs that aren’t there anymore and speed that wasn’t there either, all the physical additions that being a Spider Demon had are suddenly gone and that threat about being the next meal for the clan suddenly feels a lot more real. Even IF the others had actually grown attached to him and Minyi and even Xiuying, the fact of the matter is if these people decided to kill them all he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

Something I could see having kind of a ‘disney channel cartoon’ resolution in this setup is a thing idk if i’ve mentioned before involving Minyi or not. Bc Minyi, as i know i have mentioned, fucking HATES Spider Queen, and at first for awhile there she was very vocal about it, she hated that her dad was working for her, she hated that he wanted her approval, and most of all she hated that whenever she’d say any of that to him, he’d just sort of… not listen.

Even when even Minyi knows what she’s talking about is silly or irrational, she never really feels like Daddy isn’t listening. Even when she’s wrong and he has to explain to her what it was that was wrong, she still felt like he was listening to her as she talked. But not this. Never this. Minyi’s an observant child, her plotline hinges on it, so she knows when Adults tune her out, she knows when she’s being condescended to. And when Daddy tells her that of course he wants to stay Loyal to Spider Queen and she’s Really Cool Actually she can tell he wasn’t listening to a word she’d actually said. Because he never mentions forgiving her for stealing him, or that he knows it might look like she pushes him around but he knows he’s always in control of the situation, or anything that would actually ANSWER her questions or settle her worries. She just… might as well have stomped her foot and yelled like she was half her age.

And now that his head is clear he can look back on that and be… embarrassed? guilty? His daughter was warning him that whole time out of honest fear and concern that she only barely had the vocabulary and emotional complexity to understand And he brushed her off as if it was nothing. And to rub some salt into it now that his head is clear and the unrelenting force of the Spider demanding subserviance to the Queen is gone it’s obvious that his fucking six year old was right about his ‘boss’ being bad news. So of course he figures he owes Minyi an apology, but Minyi’s just happy that he’s listening to her again so it’s all okay in the end.

And if this is the Cyberhunt timeline then can I get an F in the chat for Huntsman? Bc he ain’t even getting a breakup scene, i don’t think he’d even get a letter outside of the ‘I’m leaving the clan and leaving the city with my family. Don’t try to find us’ that goes out to all of the clan (maybe even still implying that Syntax DOES still have that Spider amplification in him so it’s not just a flimsy ‘stay away’ from an equally flimsy human)

I could see Syntax as being pretty mad at himself for letting the relationship happen at all in that context. Like yeah, his brain was all scrambled up and he can’t ACTUALLY be held accountable for decisions made with the fact that he wasn’t really in his right mind for the whole thing, but it still happened. But now it’s over, and- and it was just some echo of venom that hadn’t quite metabolized yet that left a bitter taste in his mouth to acknowledge that those people weren’t really friends, that he wasn’t really-... His brain is still re-adjusting, he’ll be fine in time.

Minyi I don't think would quite get certain parts about this, in her mind, the big boss is always the bad guy and the other people around are just as scared of the big boss as the person they’re bullying. So to her only Spider Queen was the bad guy. So when Daddy turned back to normal and said that they weren’t safe from the bad guys anymore and needed to go stay at Auntie Xiuying’s cabin for awhile she’d thought that Uncle Huntsman and Uncle Goliath hadn’t come along simply because Uncle Goliath didn’t fit in the car. That they’d catch up with them soon. Because surely, they’d ALL be running away from the REAL bad guy together.

So, she figures they must have gotten lost and had to head back home. Thats not good, surely that means she needs to help them find their way here like how she helped Daddy find his way home. Auntie and Daddy were both too scared of Spider Queen finding them to contact her uncles, but Minyi knew how to evade that!

She knows Uncle Huntsman likes to hang out at their apartment because he loves Daddy (she’ll keep that to herself for now, grownups don’t believe in happily ever afters) so if she mails a letter to the apartment he might find it when he eventually comes over.

She knows Uncle Huntsman doesn’t like puzzles, but he’s good with them when its something important. So she makes a cipher and writes the letter in it, copies down the decoder, and chops it up into distinct shapes, seals it all up in a letter closes the envelope with a sticker on it, and slips it into the mailbox.

Eventually Huntsman does find the letter, written in childish scrawl, the puzzle to decode the letter, and the knowledge that theres only one child on this entire damn continent that would be this obnoxiously enigmatic about sending a fucking letter.

But whatever, he wasn’t gonna do anything except sit in the apartment surrounded by things left behind and feel sorry for himself--er, that is, scavenge for anything that could be used by the Queen and take advantage of the internal heating. So he may as well do something. So he puts together the decoder, she’d just sliced it into fourths. Then translated the letter.

“Hi Uncle Huntsman! If you’re reading this that means you unlocked my letter! Yay! I knew you could! So I know you and Uncle Goliath want to leave the bad lady’s clan too and I know you’re only not here because you guys got lost.” and she just… gave them the coordinates for the place her family was hiding away. (not REALLY hiding, it wouldn’t have taken much to track down the cabin’s whereabouts through Xiuying, but the secluded nature of the cabin may as well have been)

I guess… the way the story ends depends on how you want it to end. Because Huntsman has three options, but really only two. Does he accept defeat and burn the letter, or does he do something with the information he now has? Either way he’d be betraying the queen, but he doesn’t have it in him to turn in the coordinates of their lost clan member and his family. Not this time.

There’s this youtuber i like called Breadsword, he does movie analysis, and in his video about Millenium Actress he says something along the lines of ‘My favorite moment in a romance is somewhere in the last ten minutes, after we’ve followed our characters through the buildup, payoff, and premature destruction of what they had, as they go their separate ways and come to the conclusion that it wasn’t meant to last, one rejects it and takes flight in pursuit of the other... our dreams and our love are the only things truly worth running in the name of.

[onelastbreath-writes]

I’ll Meet You There (Part 3)

Pairing: Marcus Moreno/ Wife!Reader (AFAB, no y/n) 

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Talks about loss of spouse, loss of child, medical conditions/inaccuracies, grief/mourning, manipulation/brainwashing (subtext/implied, but we’ll get into it later *winkwink*)

Tags: Hurt/No comfort (for now), ANGST, eventual happy ending, one really sad man for whom I just keep making things worse, #sorrynotsorry, and now I’m just making stuff up as I go along

Summary(lite): You are Marcus’s wife, and you’re definitely not dead. No one is having a great time right now, but like hell if there's a force on this earth that’ll keep you apart forever. This is not a goodbye, its just a see you later. And the interim is going to be everyone else’s problem, you’ll make sure of it.

A/N: Hello dears, welcome back to my twisted mind story,,, guess who showed up like 2 weeks late with a smoothie! So things about this new chapter: I am a criminal with italics and someone needs to stop me, hello switching scenes and perspectives because I just want to fast forward to the good stuff but y’all don’t live in my head and don’t know all the stuff that happens to get us there so here we are taking the slow lane, and I keep brainstorming new and horrible things for my characters because I am A Lot, All The Time, and will not be stopped. Also hey, Marcus the Simp is here for you, so much. I hope this is acceptable to be a reader fic still, because I am giving you some serious personality traits... ehh, it is what it is. Tell me if you spot any of my various references, there’s a lot of ‘em. Thanks to everyone who has liked/reblogged/commented, y’all are gorgeous and I’m so grateful for the love <3 Drop me a message/ask if you want a secret about one of the characters (specify which one), I need an outlet for my endless b.t.s. plotting >;) Please enjoy p3!

AO3|Masterlist

[Previous Part]

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There were more casseroles in his fridge that Marcus knew what to do with, and more sympathy and “thinking of you” cards stacked in piles around the house than he could count. He appreciated everyone’s gestures, but he could recognize the difference between people who were kind in the interest of helping others, and those who were kind only to help themselves. It was quite obvious which type were flooding his mailbox.

Hell, most of the people sending him cards, his fans, didn’t even know his wife, never spoke to her, didn’t feel the empty Her-shaped-space in their very souls. They just wanted the clout, the prestige, of being ‘involved’ and sympathetic to a grieving superhero. It was exhausting, but no one seemed to empathize with him on that.

The Heroics upper management, and the director specifically after his press conference and the publicity the attack had brought the organization, had insisted on Marcus taking an undetermined amount of leave from the team so he could “process and mourn his loss in the comfort of his own home.” Like he didn’t look around and see every piece of himself and his wife over the years; the Home they built for their family, filled with all the hopes and dreams of two starry eyed lovers ready to take on the world together. Like her absence wasn’t slowly killing him. 

And it wasn’t like she was gone gone.  

Dead.  

She wasn’t dead.

No way in Hell.  

Whether it was because she worked with superpowered people, her experience as a medical professional, or if she was just more paranoid than most, his wife was a planner, and she was prepared for this. “In the event of my death...," like she just knew it would be necessary.

Truthfully, she had schemes and contingencies and all manner of reactionary plans prepared for if (and when) the worst happened; terrified to be blindsided or caught unaware, unable to help those she would have been able to, if only if she had the time to think. Unpreparedness costs lives in both of their careers, and she refused to leave anything up to chance if possible. And so, she’d plan, and he’d listen.  

All throughout their relationship, from before they’d even gotten serious enough to discuss marriage, to when they heard their unborn child’s heartbeat for the first time, and just on random weekday afternoons when they would take Missy for walks around the neighbourhood to show her the beauty in their lives, his wife would paint her theories and ideas like artwork. She’d tell him a story, full of action and mystery, humour and theatrics, tragic romance and harrowing adventure; she could spin a tale like she had a silver tongue, but she never lost herself in her own narratives. In the end, they were messages, lessons, for him to remember when everything was going wrong.    

“It’s all about momentum, babe. Bleeding off energy and taking a bad hit instead of a fatal hit. You can’t just full stop; you’d absorb all the kinetic energy, and the resulting trauma will turn all your squishy internals into, like, body soup, which is just super unpleasant. And of course, head is always number one priority. Bracing for impact works better at giving you fewer serious injuries, especially for your neck and head. Muscles should absorb as much of the energy as possible, instead of letting it fall to your ligaments, discs, and nerves to take the force. So, tense up and roll in the case of a low air evacuation.”

Low air evac... she was concerned he was going to have to jump from an aircraft without a parachute at some point in his life. Which was probably accurate he’d admit, but still, he wasn’t hoping to actually need that plan.

Thankfully, it wasn’t always fire and brimstone with her, and she had many strange and terrible schemes to keep the common, everyday superhero family on their toes. Always carry at least two lip balms... never tell someone you don’t have plans for the evening... don’t smile in your mugshot... no clowns. Ever.

She was so weird, a total nerd, and so completely the girl of his dreams.  

He loved teasing her about her unending train of thought, the brain that never sleeps, how she’d go on tangents while on tangents but always circle back around; even nicknamed her (quite cheekily, and because it made them both laugh) Doctor Batman, which was usually saved for when she was being particularly dramatic and gloomy. Turn the supercomputer off for a second, Bats, come see what Missy’s doing!  

He was her anchor, always ready to pull her back to earth when she started drifting off too far from them, but he never asked and never wanted her to change. He adored her, silly or serious, or when she woke him up in the middle of the night to make him promise that he’d never get their kid(s) a pet owl (because they’re “scary”, and “our kids would be too powerful, Marcus. Promise me!”), or that in the event of them inviting a third to their bed, it would “absolutely never, ever, ever be Miracle. No way!”  

He thought it was quite entertaining most of the time, listening to her plan for zombies and old gods and what to do if everyone just started hating cheese one day, but if it was all so important to her: having him remember this or agree to that, he’d accede to her requests in a heartbeat. Most of it was cute, harmless stuff he didn’t think would even happen, but sometimes she would hit him with serious stuff. Entirely out of left field, she’d go for his heart, and ask him for things that would hurt him, destroy him inside, if he ever had to follow through with it.

“Marcus, if it’s a choice between my safety- my life, and Missy’s? I’m always going to choose her. Kids come first, okay?”  

She wasn’t superpowered, didn’t have a shred of anything other than pure, normal human in her, but she was easily the strongest person he knew. Fearless and brave, kinder than this world deserved, she’d do anything for the people she cared about. And she’d promised him, maybe as a way to repay him for all the things he’d agreed to over the years, that she’d move heavens and the earth to return to their family. That nothing in this world, or beyond, could keep her away. “Eventually,” she’d stared into his eyes, glossy with tears from how forcefully she believed, “I will find my way back to you. I swear it, so keep a weather eye on the horizon.” See? A whole-ass nerd, and he couldn’t have loved her more.

So, she wasn’t dead. Pure and simple. She was somewhere, somehow, and he was going to find her again.  

---

“Marcus, the grieving process is different for everyone, but it is always unpredictable and painful. You will have days where you will feel like you haven’t made any progress, or even lost the progress you’ve previously made, but please know that this is natural; it's something everyone experiences, and that it doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your objective. Healing takes time, and a major part of recovery is learning to forgive yourself when you slip up. No one expects you to be back to normal tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Healing from grief is not a race, so we will go at your own pace, and we will work together to accomplish your recovery goals. You aren’t alone in this journey, and you don’t need to handle everything by yourself.”

The grief specialist he was seeing was someone he would describe as an “old soul”. She exuded the patience and peace of someone who had watched empires rise and fall, seen the turning of the wheel of time and drifted along with the current. Her voice was deep, rich in emotion and empathy for those who needed guidance, calming and intriguing with a soft lilt on her vowels. Timeless and ancient all in one, and even if he wasn’t actually mourning the death of his wife, he did find himself deeply grieving being without her. They were two halves of a whole, and though his soul was at a loss without its partner here, he still had their greatest creation, their pride and joy, their baby girl to raise.  

He would do whatever he had to do to be the best parent he could for Missy. And so, if meeting with a physiatrist every week was something that would help, then he would be here, every week. He'd learn to live with his grief, his sadness and loneliness, with just the memory of his Everything, and he’d help their kid with all hers too.  

It’s what he promised to do, after all.

“If anything ever happens to me, you’ll just have to love her enough for the both of us.”  

---

There was nothing they could recover of the people closest to centre of the explosion. No remains, no blood, nothing. Like they hadn’t been there at all.  

Suspicious.

Upper Management had brought in a team of private investigators to handle the case, people who would keep the details quiet and the public appeased with what little information they’d choose to release.  

Marcus was a superhero, and sure, his job was to hit things until they weren’t a problem anymore, but he couldn’t understand why all the highly trained professionals didn’t question the sheer amount of evidence that just wasn’t adding up.  

He tried to bring up the inconsistencies once with the lead investigator, but they had just given the distraught, widowed husband, so lost in his own denial and grasping at straws, a sad smile and told him they would do everything they could to find the truth for him and the rest of the victims’ families.

Typical.

After being brushed off without a second thought, he decided to keep his ideas quiet, and since they’d proven their unwillingness to listen, he’d just have to solve the mass disappearance himself.  

“Have you ever thought about how to commit the perfect murder, mi amor? I have. First: If there’s no body, they can’t prove the person is dead. No evidence of death? No murder. Simple. But of course, completely vanishing a full human would be a challenge. Short of having the superpowers necessary to, like, erase someone from reality in their entirety, there would be a lot of chances to leave evidence. Ordering suspicious chemicals leaves a trail, driving out to a pig farm in the middle of the night is shady as hell and all neighbors are professional narcs, and fires? Hah! Do you have any idea how hot the fire needs to be to cremate human remains, and how long they would need to grill for? Huh, maybe the perfect murder isn’t a murder at all...  

Hey babe...  

Always doubt a body, but always doubt no body, more.”

---

You tended to lose time when there was no one else in your room. It was hard to tell when your eyes were open because you started dreaming about the only things you could see since you first woke up: drop-ceiling tiles, white walls, and pale blue curtain dividers. And it was easier that way, in the end. Your heart didn’t hurt when you only dreamt of the room. You couldn’t mourn the things and people only your soul could remember if you thought of the room. Drifting in and out of consciousness was how you were coping.  

---

You had been here, left in this room alone, for ages. You had agreed to help the man who had saved you from the explosion that killed your family, but apparently you couldn’t help him until you had recovered enough. You’d read your charts, grilled your nurses and doctors more and more the longer you were kept here. What were they all waiting for? There was nothing wrong with you except the mild post traumatic amnesia, and the whole not-remembering-much-(or anything, really)-about-your-personal-life-and-family-of-the-recent-few-years thing you had going on. It was nothing compared to when you first awoke and could remember nothing. It killed you to be without the memories of your husband and child, to know only of them instead of actually knowing them, but there was nothing you or the doctors here could do. The brain was a tricky thing, and you had to accept that your memory loss might be permanent.  

That just meant that you had to put all that you could remember to good use. You could help people here, and work towards getting justice for your family. Years and years of school, practical experience and training, you had gained it all back; re-read textbooks and studies, wrote papers on your re-emerging knowledge and jogged your memory about long nights and early mornings, surgeries and follow ups... it was all still in your head. It had returned to you easily, like diving into a cool pool on a hot summer day. It was like coming home and taking off your shoes; it felt good, freeing, as-it-should-be.  

But still they weren’t letting you leave. So: what were they waiting for?  

“Ah, Doctor, it’s lovely to see you, as always. How are we feeling today?” Okay, so the guy who “saved” you (read: paid the people who actually saved your life)  gave you the heebie-jeebies. He looked like a classic pompous asshole bigwig, like, oil tycoon or something. And he definitely had some sort of thing for you. Gross.

“I’m doing as well as can be expected, trapped in a room with nothing to do, you know, brain rotting, et cetera. Thanks for asking.” The sass was a choice, probably not a great choice, but your choice none-the-less. You really hadn’t had many opportunities to choose anything for yourself in a while.  

Well...

You were bored, and that was going to be everyone else’s problem.  

“Ah, well, good news then! You have been cleared from observation and you’ll be able to be discharged soon. Isn’t that just delightful!” Mister Craig (“Please, just Greg is fine”), was some sort of horrible group hallucination, you were convinced. No one was that cheery, that animated, unless they were on something, or you were on something. “I’ll have someone bring you your personal effects shortly, and then I can show you to your new apartment. The complex isn’t in the best neighbourhood unfortunately, but it's got some real charm, very vintage! You’ll love it!”

“I’ll look forward to seeing it then; sounds like it’ll be a real interesting place to stay. You can also explain what it is I’m going to be doing with your organization. Because you haven’t specified yet. And I expect a proper contract and wage agreement. Legally binding preferably, for your sake, of course, Mr. Craig.” Even if you weren’t the most physically intimidating person around, you knew how, and more so, when, to assert your dominance in a conversation. Especially with men like him. He was the type of guy who would pinch a nurse’s ass and then accuse them of not being able to take a joke.  

“You wound me, Doctor, I am a man of integrity! I promised you an opportunity to make a difference! To get justice for the loved ones so cruelly torn from you! You have nothing to worry about!”  

Sounds legit. Totally above board. Can’t wait.

---

Taglist (omg!! thanks love): @killtherandomness​

Drop me a line if you want to be added <3

[iluxia]

Unsolicited writing advice???

A ton of you have commented with such kind and complimentary words about my Naruto fic Hiding in the Leaves and its characterization through the shifting POVs. Thank you all! I’m gratified to hear that you’re enjoying it. Some are asking how I shift perspectives and still manage to keep the characters in line. Actually, a fair number of readers have asked for actual advice, so here we go. This is a lot of writing babble, I hope it makes sense but feel free to drop me an ask if anything is unclear! 

(1) I read a lot. I read all the time. Easily a book a day, maybe two days. And when I do, I practice critical reading—or as they say, reading like an editor, so I can pick at techniques other writers use. Writing is an art you learn largely by example. A lot of what I read influences what and how I write, so when I need to change my tone or voice to fit a different character, I usually read something that matches what I want my prose to sound like, on top of using techniques like changing tenses and playing with vocabulary choices. 

I recently had the chance to flex these writing muscles because I went from writing two very distinct human voices (Tony Stark & Stephen Strange) to writing an alien voice (Loki). It was fucking hard; those in the Marvel fandom might know what I mean. Tony and Stephen are both human, born and raised in America, with specific life experiences that inform their daily decisions and personalities. Loki, on the other hand, is an alien: raised in Asgard, stolen from Jotunheim, well-traveled throughout the Nine Realms, and moreover raised as a prince. Just stop and think about that. When your characters do not have the same experiences that you do, they’re bound to not have the same earthbound concerns that you do. Anthropomorphizing non-human (or even non-living) beings is an age-old practice, but to be faithful to his character, I tried my best to twist my writing voice into a different shape—a shape that more befits the prince of a realm that is somewhat humanoid but very different from what we know on Earth. And in order to do that, I did four things: 

I changed my prose from past to present tense; it sounds more immediate and assertive

I read three books, written in present tense, where the prose mimics what I imagine Loki would sound like in his own head

I made a huge spread of everything about Loki (both canon and my own orginal additions) that would inform his motivations, internal concerns, emotional responses, and decision-making processes

I drowned myself in Loki fanwork

Immersion is key! If you saturate your brain in a specific type of rhetoric or style, that’s what’s likeliest to come out of your productive process at the end. So controlling what you read/watch/listen to will help control your writing style too.

 (2) This further breaks down what I just said in the third bullet point above. Before I start writing from a specific character’s perspective, I’ll take the time to brainstorm and build that character from the ground up. This might take a day or two and includes a staggering amount of detail—just as much detail as mine or your life might comprise. Silly little things like favorite colors and foods, hobbies, dislikes. Oftentimes, if you’re a fic writer, this is easier because canon gives it to you. Those amazing wiki-pages exist to make your life easier in this regard. (Bless.) What canon doesn’t give you is where you can dig in. Go deeper. Pin your character down. Think about more serious considerations like emotional triggers, conscious motivations, subconscious motivations, coping and defense mechanisms. When hurt or under stress, are they the type to lash out or curl in? Are they the type to hold on to a grudge, or do they prefer to forgive and forget? Do they get hurt easily or do they have a thick skin? I imagine the character’s relationships in life, I rank them and network them in my head. Who do they run to when they need advice? Who do they like hanging out with when they’re happy? Who annoys them, who inspires them, who scares them, who do they want to be like? Even if these questions aren’t necessarily things you might discuss in your fic, it helps inform this person you’re writing about, so it helps you keep a clearer and more consistent mental picture of them as you go.

But most critical of all, I sit and imagine myself in their shoes and think of how they perceive themselves. That is a major factor when writing, because that’s what their head-voice will sound like. And if the story is written from their perspective, then that means you, writer, are writing in that head-voice!

Here’s a more HITL-specific example (I’ll try not to spoil too much lol):

Sasuke

How he sees himself:

Ordinary; not very impressive as a shinobi, but not absolutely terrible either – just ordinary

Average looking

A slow, impatient learner

Awkward with people, but polite and with good intentions

Emotionally stable

A good reader and listener

How he actually is from someone else’s POV:

Incredibly skilled for his age and level as a shinobi

Actually quite handsome

An intuitive learner, very tenacious and will keep at a task forever until he gets it just right; perfectionist much

Quiet, polite, notices a lot about how others act

Absolutely does not handle emotions well

Selective listener; sometimes only hears what he wants to hear

Rationales:

He’s surrounded by a clan of perfectionists and overachievers who constantly laud his aniki for being a genius while paying him no attention. Of course he thinks he’s ordinary.

No one ever compliments him for his looks in the clan compound, and what he sees in the mirror looks just like a younger version of everyone around him. Of course he thinks he’s average, even though he actually has looks.

Because he’s largely self-taught (except for when Obaa-sama teaches him), he thinks he’s slow. (Ever learned a new skill or maybe even a new language by yourself? I have. I can tell you that my perception of how much time I spent learning ‘basics’ was skewed.) He also holds himself to a higher than normal standard because that’s what gets him positive attention (or attention at all) within his family. Add the fact that Itachi was there blazing through everything before him, and it’s suddenly easy to understand why Sasuke thinks the worst of himself as a student. But he (and Naruto) are actually fast learners—we see this even in canon—and both of them boast high levels of natural intuition, or as I (the neuroscientist) likes to call it, pattern recognition. Some people are naturally better at this than others; there have been extensive tests done to show it. But we also know intuition can be trained, so the more Sasuke works at something, the better he gets, and the faster he learns the next skill—as long as the learning is patterned. Which is why Orochimaru, who has picked up on this trait, walks them through learning each jutsu in a stepwise manner every time.

Sasuke doesn’t have a lot of social interaction outside of his family. The Uchiha clan in this fic is very segregated from the rest of the village, so if you’re not active as a shinobi, you probably don’t get out of the compound much. Interacting with people probably intimidates Sasuke a lot so he feels awkward about it and reverts back to habits of politeness and silence that he was taught from childhood. That doesn’t mean that he’s not paying attention, however; Sasuke is naturally observant and remembers a lot about how people act (and not so much what they say). I have a theory about this related to the Sharingan but I won’t go into too much here because it would be a straight-up spoiler, sorry. :D

He thinks he’s emotionally stable because he doesn’t remember many incidents of severe emotional upheaval in his life. That’s because he hasn’t had them; apart from the whole thing with Itachi, he’s been fairly sheltered his whole life. But he actually doesn’t handle emotions well—something he’s about to find out soon enough—and for the same reason! He hasn’t been exposed to an extensive range of it.

Because he’s largely self-taught, he has confidence in his reading skills. He also remembers all of Obaa-sama’s stories so he thinks he’s a good listener. Well, he is—to an extent. If he wants to listen, he will. If he doesn’t, he’s just as proficient as Naruto at pigheadedness. (I think it’s an Uchiha trait too lmao.)

That was a lot, right? But you can see that if I’m writing from Sasuke’s POV, I have to keep a different set of pointers than if I’m writing from Naruto’s POV about Sasuke. The way I think of it is like changing lenses or shades depending on the light outside.

A few more techniques/guidelines I use:

Stay consistent with vocabulary. Orochimaru is far more verbose than the rest of them, Shikamaru right behind him, and Naruto uses shorter, simpler words. You can even assign particular words to a character, a word only they would use when referring to something. This applies to how your character addresses other people too, i.e. Orochimaru calls them ‘little ones’; Shikamaru calls his dad ‘oyaji’ in front of his peers but ‘otou-san’ in front of his sensei; Naruto is quick to give people nicknames and most of the time it sticks.

Watch the adjectives; different people describe things differently. Orochimaru uses more nuanced words that can mean different things depending on the situation and mood; Naruto thinks in terms of emotions, a lot of how does this make me feel; Sasuke is very visual and notices a lot of colors.

Use speech habits wisely; how your character talks should reflect their life. Just like accents, speech habits can tell a lot about a person. Sasuke always speaks politely because it’s how he’s supposed to talk at home, otherwise there’d be trouble. Naruto grew up in a poorer district and had no one to really teach him how to talk politely, so he’s very casual. Shikamaru cusses at age eleven because his parents and family are incredibly laissez-faire and honest around him, so he thinks it’s acceptable and normal (and he was never reprimanded for it).

Play with your tenses. Writing in past tense sounds and feels very different from writing in present tense. Depending on your character, one or the other might sound more appropriate. There are some expressions and figures of speech that sound fine when written in past tense but awkward when written in present tense, so that will end up inadvertently changing your prose a bit, which can be useful.

Read your work out loud. Cardinal rule of prose-writing. What looks good on paper doesn’t always sound good when read out loud. If you read it and it doesn’t sound like how your character talks, time for a vibe check. You might need to change a few words and move sentences around, or you might need a complete overhaul… an editor (and I mean an editor, not just a beta-reader) can usually help you out.

 A note about editors vs beta-readers:

There is a cardinal difference! A beta-reader is usually not professionally trained but should be experienced enough to point out things that aren’t right. In fandom, I’ve found that beta-readers mostly focus on a story’s general feel, flow and readability, sometimes character consistency, sometimes they point out typos and mistakes. An editor goes further than that. I’m fortunate to have Tria (aventria) who has edited my work for, gosh, 14 years now, fuck, we’re old! I call her my editor because when she goes through a piece, she will fix everything and make my draft bleed and I love it. (I actually get a little upset when she doesn’t fix anything, even if that means everything was good.) As an editor, she does a vibe check and looks for typos/errors, yes, but she also critiques the prose extensively. She can rearrange phrases or entire paragraphs for better flow. She will cut out entire scenes or make me rewrite them if they’re that bad. Like a copy editor, she looks at stylistic inconsistencies, grammar errors, and iffy word use. She’ll usually suggest or replace the offending word altogether. She has a lot of freedom with the work and can actually kick a piece to the curb if it’s really that shitty. She also questions plot progression, character development, and the relevance of a scene. (She’s made me cut out many, many scenes.) – That all being said, it’s not easy finding an editor, much less a good one. It also has to be someone you trust to have this much power over your work. It’s worth it, however, and my writing has gotten so much better because of the help.

If you’ve read this far, wow, thanks! You’re also probably thinking, “Shit, she takes this too seriously. It’s just a fic.”

I have… gotten into fights in the past before because of this. I feel strongly about the stuff I write. Just because it’s fanfiction doesn’t mean it isn’t a labor of love. I’m a perfectionist by nature, so that’s why I put so much time and effort into what amounts to ‘just a fic.’ And you know what? At the end of the day, writing it gives me satisfaction and happiness, so I will keep pouring into it as much as I can. It’s just a bonus to hear that other people are enjoying it too. (Yes, I’m one of those weirdos who intensely enjoy reading my own work…)

 Aaand the final point:

(3) I double-majored in psychology for undergrad and have by now accumulated thousands of hours of clinical hours spent using the theories and techniques I learned from those classes on real people. I’m also specializing in neuroscience, so a portion of my time is spent in psychiatry. Characterization was actually not one of my writing strengths at first, but I definitely noticed leaps in improvement after my clinical rotation started. People skills are just that: skills which are honed with practice. It’s amazing how much you learn about how people think and what make them tick when you interact with a whole spectrum of examples: from your neurotypical everyday well-adjusted person, to high-functioning neurotics and obsessives, to patients who have suffered complex stroke syndromes, to encephalitic brains burning under septic fevers, to druggies stoned so high they’ve breached the atmosphere, to patients whose brains are growing insidious tumors, to schizophrenics and catatonics and the depressed. My job also allows me the rare opportunity to interact with people from all walks of life. All I need to do if I wanted insight about how life is for soldiers who served in an active warzone, for example, is to hit up Bill at the ICU and ask for stories about Korea and the Gulf and Vietnam. Or if I wanted to know about how to survive the Rwandan genocide, I could sit down with Amida, who survived it as a barely-teenager with her brother and sister in tow while only “losing my innocence and an eye.” Or I could talk to Heather, who is building a life with her husband and two rambunctious children, for a perspective on the daily concerns and delights of a ‘perfectly normal and ordinary’ working mother. (Her words, not mine; Heather is amazing even if she eats the doctor’s lounge out of Tita Annabel’s cookies.) Anyway, you get my point. When I write, I almost always write about people, so it makes sense that a lot of my inspiration comes from people too. A lot of my original characters—and even some that are not—often speak with the voices and inflections of people I know in real life. You probably have people with interesting stories to tell in your life; you just have to work up the courage to ask and take the time to listen. You’d be surprised at what you learn!

A few helpful writing resources: (most of these are classics)

The Elements of Style by Strunk & White

The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman

How to Read a Book by Mortimer Adler and Charles van Doren

And more books that helped me get into people’s heads:

Hallucinations by Dr. Oliver Sacks

The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon

Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon

The Lucifer Effect by Philip Zimbardo

Admirable Evasions by Theodore Dalrymple

I hope you got something out of that. Again, feel free to drop me an ask if you have any questions or want to chat!

[hogwartsfirebolt]

This is the very best fic I have ever, ever read. I promise you that I am not kidding: A fic rec. 

Grounds for Divorce - @tepre - 122k - Explicit

Malfoy finds a coin. Harry finds a letter. A story about histories, a story about families. A story about a lemon tree somewhere in Upper Egypt.

In the 18 months I have been an active member of this community, I must have read no less than a thousand wonderful stories, many of which have touched me in ways I could never fully articulate. Whenever someone asked, I would recommend four, five fics, never able to pick just one as my favorite, I thought that, with so many stories out there, loving one above all others would surely be impossible. I was incredibly, deeply, beautifully wrong. 

Thoughts under read more

I struggle to think of a place to begin this rec, because there is no way any of my words can ever truly do this masterpiece justice. I suppose I could begin by telling you that this story is so damn brilliant in every single aspect that I can’t wrap my own head around how much I adore it with every piece of my silly little self, or that it is so careful in its execution that I didn’t even realize when exactly it was that I irremediably fell in love, or that I had never read a piece of fanwork that held such a deep understanding of itself, that there was little I could do but let myself be pulled right into the heart of it, of this. 

I was lucky enough to get to know it when it was still about 50k words long, and even then, when I sat down and read all of that, I knew that this was something incredibly special, and every single word that was added since then only made me feel even more sure that I was witnessing the birth of what is surely going to become a fandom classic. At least for me, it shifted my entire perception of the pairing, the fandom, the entire wizarding world. There is a before and after Grounds for Divorce for me.

Now, the concept in itself is simple. This is a bonding fic. You know the kind. Harry and Draco are nothing to each other after the war, and somehow find themselves literally on the brink of death unless they touch each other. That’s what it is. A bonding fic. But, oh dear, if you go into it expecting just THAT, it will literally knock you out. I’m not kidding. Just, poof, passed out on the floor, because despite using a pretty popular fandom trope as a base, that’s about the only thing that isn’t 100% unique to this story. 

This is the moment when I tell you that there are about seven years between chapter 1 and chapter 10. Yes, we get to see Harry and Draco from age 18 to 25 or so. That is the first thing that is notably different from any other bonding fic I have ever read, that they’re stuck together for literal years, and so they can’t stop living their lives while they are bonded, no, the show must go on. The second thing that makes this special are the mechanics of the bond itself, and how it’s a simple spell that makes them sick when they go a long time without touching each other, and when they do touch each other, it pushes for more more more in such desperate, delicious fashion that I clung to my seat when they were first learning how to deal with this desire. 

The third thing, the MAIN thing, the most BEAUTIFUL THING that makes this fic special is, of course, the characterization. Oh my GOD. How do I even put this to WORDS. There is just no way I can explain how fucking perfect everybody is in this. 

Harry is damaged from the war and doesn’t realize it, Harry has trouble connecting with people and doesn’t realize it, Harry is carrying a hell of a burden on his shoulders and doesn’t realize it. It’s beautiful how much I, as a reader, was able to pick on all these things when Harry himself has no idea that he’s dealing with them. He is angry, he hates being bonded to Draco at first, hates that he has to spend his days with him, and doesn’t even stop to consider that maybe things are different with Draco now, he closes himself up and chooses not to engage, and this, to me, felt like such an accurate depiction of who he is. After everything he went through, this is YET ANOTHER THING he has no control over. 

Draco is just lovely. It’s impossible not to love him. He is intense and he’s rambly and seriously annoying, but he’s also damaged, he’s careful with himself after everything that happened, and he genuinely does try to be better, and that is something that always makes me so weak in the knees for him, when he is truly just good and doing his best not to fuck up. 

Their interaction is difficult to describe, because it changes every moment the more they get to know each other. We begin with a lot of anger on Harry’s side, confusion and hurt on Draco’s side, and as they learn how to navigate the fact that they’re now bonded, the situation shifts. Draco tries to connect with Harry, Harry just wants to live his own life. Years and years and years pass, and they go through so much together, they learn to become friends by accident, they learn to care about each other, they shape their lives around each other without even realizing it. They’re married, for all intents and purposes, and dealing with it in very different ways. 

The massive amount of growth we see them go through in this is just indescribable. We start with them as boys, hold their hands as they become men. 

They hurt each other a lot. Harry hurts Draco for like five or six years straight, being dismissive and impenetrable. Draco hurts Harry later on. They grow together, they date other people, they watch each other date other people, always with this bond between them making things difficult, and it’s really, really messy. 

The love story, as we witness it, unfolds almost by accident, entirely underneath the surface, such a masterfully crafted slow burn, that by the time the characters themselves realize what’s happening, they’re elbows deep into it and it’s impossible to turn back. It’s beautiful, the intensity of the feelings simmering for years, the depth to their interactions, how meaningful the little things become, in time, how much Harry’s perception of Draco changes, how much this makes Harry change. 

The Harry we end up with is. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. He is. I CANNOT. The intensity with which I THIRSTED over him has no precedents. His single-minded intensity, his focus, his drive, his certainty, how he throws himself headfirst into things once he chooses to and doesn’t look back at all. He is just. Hot as all fuck. That’s it. There’s no other word to describe him. But to get here, to find this beautiful, intense, loving man, we have to go through so many layers of decades-old hurt and his struggles with being human that he’s not even aware of, and, really, this story is about forgiving Harry in so many levels, about finding that even though he saved the world, he’s just human and he has a fuckton of issues, and this deconstruction of the hero persona we find in him, in how he willingly sacrificed himself in the war but now has absolutely no clue how to be open and trust people is just. Delicious. And don’t even get me started on the physicality of him, and how in some parts he’s just sex on legs. 

The Draco we end up with is a man so honest and open in his love, a man who overthinks and rambles and is impossibly lovely, a man who goes through so much hurt and still always shows up for the people he loves. He is clever and beautiful and just absolutely wonderful, so loyal and caring that it aches. 

Watching these final versions of them love each other made me cry so, so many times. 

All of these words have just been an attempt to explain what they are, individually and together, but they are NOTHING. I can never truly explain what happens in those 122k words. It’s something you need to experience for yourself, and there’s so much MORE than this. 

There’s Ron, who is the loveliest human of all time, and there’s Hermione, who is still so loyal and fierce and wonderful, and there’s Draco’s friends and baby Rosie, eventually, and every single character was obviously created with so much care that they feel solid, real, even the original ones. 

The settings are vibrant, I felt like I was standing in the Malfoy townhouse all those evenings Harry and Draco sat together, I saw Harry’s garden come to life right in front of my eyes, I saw Egypt in stark clarity, once they went there, and actually, that entire section just feels like such an intense sensory immersion in every way, physical and emotional. When they finally have sex, I almost fucking burst out of my skin with the intensity, the depth of each touch, the pace of each scene. 

The writing is just beautiful, the kind of structure that reads smoothly and leaves you breathless and makes you feel everything that ever happens in the story, there’s quotes that sometimes literally made me have to stop reading to catch my breath, to regroup before being able to continue, because they were SO beautiful, SO spot on. Every single detail is styled to absolute perfection, not a single hair out of place. 

There is nothing like this story. Nothing. I have never felt so connected, I have never loved the characters so deeply, I have never reread anything as many times as I have reread this, I must have read it like 12 times at this point. 

It’s not just a fic, it’s an experience. I don’t know what else to say to convince you to allow yourself to go through it, because it is worth every single second. I could beg on my knees right now. It is my number one fic, the best I have ever encountered, and I think it might remain that way, always. 

Do yourself a favor and CLICK HERE. Give Tepre your love (all of it, SHE DESERVES ALL OF IT for creating this), allow yourself to feel everything this story has to offer, and once you’ve done that, come to me. I will never tire of this. (heh, reference). ❤️

[obeymematches]

Hi! My name is Alex and I was wondering if I could request a match up please?

Overall, I’m a pretty happy person. I smile almost all the time and I like spreading joy to people. I tend to trust people very easily and I’m really forgiving, but the downside is that this has left me open to getting taken advantage of and let down many times. While I have experienced a lot of pain in my life, I refuse to let it change my general outlook and positive attitude. In my opinion, there’s good in everyone and everything, sometimes it’s just hard to see.

I love my friends with all my heart and am pretty protective of them. Making sure that they are happy is my top priority and I won’t stop until I can at least bring a smile to their face. Most of my close friends tend to be guys though, and they’re just as, if not more protective, of me due to my trusting nature. We usually crack terrible jokes back and forth for a good laugh, but thanks to them I’ve realized puns and science jokes are my weakness. Tell me one and I’ll be crying of laughter in no time.

Additionally, I’m a mechanical engineering major and about to take a lead position in my robotics club. I’ve been told I’m smart, but I really just love math and science. In my free time, I tutor people who need it or want it, and I’ve actually led additional lectures before finals for classes I’m comfortable with. I taught in front of almost 40 people in my first semester, and I really enjoyed it.

Even though I like teaching though, I am actually terrified of people and public speaking. The people I teach make me nervous but I do it because I know the material and I know they need it. However, I tend to lock up around strangers and get sick. I’m also terrified of roller coasters and refuse to go on them. I think I just don’t like feeling trapped in something where I have no control, but whatever the reason behind my fear is I really wish I had a bit more courage to face it.

As for my hobbies, I love writing, photography (I have a mint colored polaroid camera that is one of two objects I really treasure), and singing (I have a mint and shite striped record player that is the second object I love). I daydream a lot (don’t know if this counts as a hobby but since I do it so often I think it’s worth mentioning) and like to travel. I’m old school, and I think stargazing, old diners, and vintage dresses and skirts are the best things ever.

I’m a bit insecure over a few things like my body (I’m a healthy weight but I have hip dips and more weight in my thighs that people tend to poke fun at), teeth (they’re crooked and I never had the money to fix them), and my name (a lot of people make fun of me for being a girl with a guy’s name), but everyone has insecurities and that’s okay.

Anyway, I’m sorry this turned out so long. 😅 I just wanted to be thorough. I hope you have an amazing day! ❤️

-----------

Hi Alex!! 

Thank you for sending in a request, and sorry for the wait!! I hope you like the result! 

So I had a few candidates on mind but I think you’d be best with Mammon! 

Here is my evidence: 

I think he would be drawn to your happy and positive attitude. Honestly that probably catches the attention of most of the brothers. 

Mammon is also rather optimistic and he can be a bit naive at times, so I don’t think it would result in too many conflicts. However do be careful especially during the first weeks, he might try to use you before he really develops feelings. 

But here is the twist: in canon not a lot of characters see that much good in him as he can be irresponsible and a bit silly. But the fact that you see good in him is probably going to melt him! Just be sure not to ignore his flaws, because everyone has them. 

I think he really appreciates a friend who he can smile and joke around with, so it’s nice that you prioritize him. After all, he is your best friend! 

He would try everything to make you think that he understands your science jokes, even if he acutally doesn’t know what the periodic table is! But don’t make fun of him, he tries very hard! Secretly he would read different science jokes on the internet, just to win your heart!

I’m sure he would be your favourite one to tutor, he is very goofy, maybe he wouldn’t enjoy math and science that much, but he would be really happy, because you spend your time together! He would like math just beacuse of you!

I think hanging out with him would make you more confident so teaching in front of so many people would be more fun!

He is probably one of the most outgoing of the brothers, so he might take you to an amusement park if you want to go. Probably it wouldn’t result in conflicts though! 

Since you like photography I’m sure you could capture the best memories you two made! This includes going to karaoke bars too!

The fact that you have style makes him want you to be a model with him! 

He would definitely ask Satan’s knowledge about the Devildom’s diners to really impress you! 

I think he finds stargazing dates cute, although Satan gives competition as he knows much more than him! Mammon would probably see different shapes out of the stars and you’d have no idea how he sees that. 

He might be a tease at first but I don’t think that he really wants you to be insecure and really you can’t help being a human. So conflics might happen because of that but don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself! 

Conclusion; He is drawn to your attitude and philosophy of life and he would do anything to win you over even if his brothers give a strong competition. He would hang out with you all the time and he can only hope that you pick him. He is a very silly boyfriend but that is why you love him so much! I think you two spent many dates together before establishing a relationship but all those dates were fun and he was jealous every time you wanted to go out with someone else :( He really appreciates how an amazing friend you are and he tries his best to do the same for you! Expect many gifts and quality time spent together! 

[ruteekatreya]

Granbelm Aftermath!

This show is so good.  I’ve reblogged enough Machikado Mazoku stuff that I’m sure it’s obvious I’ve liked where it’s going, but Granbelm I haven’t seen many posts on, so! I really loved the show at pretty much every step.  A magical mecha BR with a cast solely comprised of gals?  Where the mecha are Ryu Knight-styled chibis?  Sure thing!  Where Minion A (voiced by YAoi) has a mecha that’s even shaped like a Demon Lord’s wizard minion?  The show knows where it’s at!

There’s a lot of minor stuff throughout that I’ve loved - such as Nene-nee having her NEET tendencies come out in a perfect sniper mech (That’s also a mobile armor because honestly she’s a cheating jerk, I love it), or the way that even Rosa’s dorky open shirt pilot outfit has cute hood-ears and feels like something someone would actually wear (I see you there, Shinichirou Otsuka.  Even if I wouldn’t have realized the relevance without my friends who comment on the backend, doing so)  The fights are also, quite frankly, the best mecha fights I’ve ever seen.  Period.  And I’ve been in on The Mecha for a long, long time, even if I fell out of it like 8 years ago!  Seriously, it’s great shit.  I’m glad me and wifey started watching it, since it suffered the most being streamed with friends.  (Probably, I haven’t gone back to check on Fire Force, and won’t now because lolno, nor do I have Amazon to watch Vinland Saga myself.)

But at its core, I was super interested because it put together a pair of female leads who were probably going to be lovers into a situation with a lot of drama, and dang did it deliver on that.  The stakes always feel pretty high, and pretty personal!  And I was pleasantly surprised by how they handled it all around, when Nene-nee made it clear to Shingetsu and Mangetsu that some folks are here for imminently personal reasons, rather than Anna having an inferiority complex to her ex- and a pair of minions who do what she wants. Nene-nee was probably the antagonist they needed to beat there, since she and her sisters are adults and can handle losing out on the easy solution to getting their mother back.  From there, Suishou coming out as a villain in her own right who’s been playing Anna (And exacerbating all the toxic shit Anna beats herself with) works well, culminating in the honestly heart breaking scenes where she forgives Shingetsu, then stabs her mother so she can try to prove her own superiority to ERNESTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA anyway (Yoko Hikasa did a superb job torturing those syllables.) 

Thematically, I think, once the theme first came out more explicitly, I got a bit eye-rolly at first.  But on reflection, I’m fairly sure “There are no quick fixes, and the dream for the quick or sweeping fix can be toxic” is not one that really comes up a lot anymore, so I guess it’s fine, it just feels more common than it is.  And they certainly never actually betray the theme unintentionally.  The most useful thing Magic lets people do in the text is grow flowers or do parlor tricks for real.  We can guess that Nene-nee, Nana, and Mimi were subsisting off it (Presumably by either Jedi Mind Tricking everyone or selling shady immortality), but they do that just as well off of whatever they’re doing in the epilogue (Nene-nee is evidently a teacher, f’rex).  Yes, Magic can heal the curse on Shisui, but the curse on Shisui is itself a form of magic, so it’s hardly uniquely helpful (And Shisui ends up healing her curse herself before the time shenanigans means she never got cursed.)   Equally, Granbelm doesn’t fall into the other failure state of this theme, of  “Trying for the quick fix is thoroughly Bad, especially if you’re in a bad situation.”  The show’s never cruel to Nene-nee and her family for trying to get their mother back, for instance.  Is it the most useful theme?  Nah, but it’s done well - the scenes with Mangetsu coming to terms with it (After having spent a bit more than half of the series glowing about how awesome her mecha is) are a favorite.  I do think the series could have stood to just not even engage in some of that ‘is she human’ stuff that Japanese media generally tends to spend more time on (Even tho it does come down quite emphatically on ‘ye she is’ at least).  I also liked that Mangetsu got to respond to “You’re just here for your friends, your family, and your lover” with “yeah, so what?  So what if I don’t have a Grand Thesis on How To Save The World?”

The ending was also well done.  I think I’d rather a longer epilogue, to be honest - Whether the show could have done more with more slice of life elements is debatable, maybe, but the ending definitely could have.  And while I get that we can infer that yes, Anna and Kuon get to live too, rather than having to stay dead while Mangetsu comes back... I still want to actually see Anna get the hugs she needs (in particular.)  I like her! ( I liked all the gals, the characters are really all quite good.)  And we were tragically robbed of seeing more of Shisui, the super-cool amazing big sis... who’s actually kind of a space case derp, her younger sister just dotes on her.  A slower paced epilogue would be very nice.  But it does work as is, and with Mangetsu coming back... makes it clear that the others do as well.  And indeed, the girls are all going to get the lives they wanted; Nene-nee and her family presumably never lost their mother (As whatever Magical bullshit she got into that altered her mind never happened,) Shisui and Kuon are presumably living together, and Anna...  will get to actually live a normal life (And because she was superb at basically everything but magic, she’ll presumably excel now, though she’s lost any memory of her ex-).  The only one who kinda gets left high and dry is Suishou... and Suishou probably didn’t want a happy life at all.  ...also, Shingetsu’s regular moon-bunny ninja princess outfit is far superior to her stealing Mangetsu’s clothes and hastily stitching them onto her own in the scene at Magiaconatus.  That was a little silly as a design. :V

So many of the details are superbly done as well.  YAoi handles Suishou amazingly and gets to flex her muscles as an actress with a shitload of range, convincingly pulling off that range with just one bastard of a gal.  And similarly, Suishou’s look in the OP, and the way her mecha is so thoroughly a Minion’s mecha... until it turns out, she’s the villain (...sorta!  She gets kind of a raw deal too!) , and her mecha correspondingly switches to be more Demon Lord-looking.  The spirits were a nice touch I’d like to have seen more of.  The animation is just so fucking top notch.  And while you can be annoyed Mangetsu’s a mech, the way they actually did the protagonist switch is pretty good.

My only real complaint is pretty moderate.  I *really* liked a lot of the mid-game where it becomes clear Shingetsu and Mangetsu have The Depression, that depression manifests in different ways for them, and both are dealing with it as best they can.  That gets handled well while it has the camera on it, but ends up falling out of focus with the reveal that Mangetsu’s depression is more directly magical, since she’s a magical construct.  The show could probably have worked with that a lot longer and been different, and fairly interesting; and while it’s on screen, it’s legitimately very good.  Probably something I’d like better, personally.  But where it ends up going was still quite good, so hey.  The other thing I really didn’t like was people’s tendency to jump to Madoka as their point of comparison.  It’s... it’s just not.  Really at all.  If I were going to compare it to something recent (Though Madoka’s more quasi-recent by now) it’d be Revue Starlight (Though it’s not oriented on queer issues, which is pretty damn important to Starlight itself, so that comparison’s more superficial too, tbf.  But it’s also a damn sight more accurate.)

[scooperkin]

I've seen someone draw the puppet with muscles (I have the picture on my phone)

Sorry I got a bit carried away with my insight on this and the fnaf characters, style and designs in the form of horror media so it’s long and under readmore

Forgive me for any writing errors, this was written on impulse and I probably won’t look into fleshing it out:

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with art or portrayals of the Puppet with more human-based anatomy features but it’s tiring to see this non-stereotypical gendered entity/child’s toy that isn’t supposed to be presented as anything near human both for the in-universe creative of the children’s imaginations, but also as a horror character that is importantly keep vague because a as a horror character, the unknown of what it could be and it’s odd undefined behavior coupled with this vague humanoid but, UNhuman frame makes it scary to in-universe adults, as well as real fans.

So seeing it so commonly characterized as a shapely-human just ruins the original intent and just takes away my interest in whatever story or fanart is being presented to me. And while this is a personal opinion and really doesn’t matter in what content people should do as if it disinterests me I’ll move on but those who enjoy it will still enjoy it. And there also fan content I’ll still occasionally remain interested that present not just the Puppet but other fnaf characters in campier and, stylistic content; any more serious, spooky, horror or more faithful fan media that has both the Puppet and other FNAF characters portrayed more comfortably artistic light, such as the Puppet having a “motherly” body shape (most likely thanks to Living Tombstone’s FNAF 2 song), as well as Toy Chica’s already feminine body pushed further with more defined features about her body (*ahem* boobies). And notice again how a lot of this is more aimed at the more “feminine” of the cast.

Circus Baby, along with Ballora, are the only animatronics that ends up being drawn straight up as organic entities even when in the presence of their fellow Funtimes, still depicted as their more horrific, robot designs. It’s fine if they’re drawn as regular furries and Baby and Ballora as human women (or little girl), its a chosen style someone chose, and again this isn’t wrong just because I don’t find it interesting enough, it’s not my cup of tea and I move on. But, several times I’ve come to accounter, more organically designed characters often are reduced to basic human features in their design. The Puppet gets curvy, Ballora and Baby get real hair that fluffies and moves organically, Baby herself often made into a tiny cute friendly young girl. The (fixed) Mangle, and Funtime Foxy getting more curves and floof. And don’t even get me started on people who sexualize these characters to the point they’re just human bodies with cartoon heads to just be more comfortable with consuming not safe for work content of them, proving as well these character’s designs, in the long run, don’t matter in this nsfw work, but that’s a different subject on a different type of content for a different day. (And notice how all these characters are feminine? While Scrap Baby can be portrayed as a cute girl in fan content but Molten Freddy is still what he is in the game in his fan content.)

Circus Baby is highlighted by the fact she is a massive robot towering over even the tallest of men, a single eye of her’s can fit two if not four pairs of human eyes in it’s size. Her fingers, thicker than most children’s arms. Is TERRIFYING. And she’s supposed to be. She’s a horror game character. Her scale towers over adults, their parents, the protectors of their children. Her movements are jerky and uncanny, her stare to an older audience member or child can give them the creeps. But ultimately her design–safe, safe for children to run up to, and safe for a child to trust. While her existence and design as a whole in-universe and above the surface is so supposed to be a large child, an older sister, still young enough to play with you but old enough to trust to be alone with. But behind the stage, back underground, that’s not who she really is. I’ve never seen Circus Baby as a giant child as she is seen to the outside world, no because underground, in the darkness she’s kept, we’re shown the real her, the true her. She isn’t some dumb playful child, she is a discerning actor. And her “real” mental age can be debated and discussed among fans, but it’s clear she isn’t an arrogant child. And more specifically for me, I see her depicted as an actress. An actress who’s been conformed to take on this child role both on and off stage. She purposely has a voice higher, she purposely choices her innocent-word structuring. She’s acting, she’s Pretending for the sake of her own safety against this Location she’s in. When even being off character for a moment such as taking a rest off your stage gives you a painful shock. It’s not too unusual as several stars and actors, usually young and more impressionable ones are told to act a certain way even with off-screen. A good example of this is several child stars on the work of Disney Channel original series. They tell their actresses to dress a certain way, to speak in a higher voice, don’t be serious, always smile. Because it earns the trust and love from children viewers better than just, Bella Thorne or Miley Cyrus being her honest self off set to their younger fans. Too risky, keep your voice pitched up. And even though you’re 19 please, please don’t act like it, act younger, the kids won’t ever relate to you if you sound too old, if you act to old. So while Baby and the other Funtimes’ situation is a very exaggerated version of this (no don’t worry no disney stars are getting shocked when they don’t act hard enough) to the point that it’s a horror genre story about it makes sense why this is unsettling as a player and in the Funtimes’ shoes.

So while Baby does everything to keep pretending, this is something Ballora can’t do. Ballora can’t pretend, she refuses. She refuses to pretend when under the surface away from the crowds and people, where she’s alone and can be herself. But she doesn’t get that, she gets shocked and ends up being scooped to “fix” her. Too much free will. Foxy isn’t explored as much but I feel goes through the same trouble as Ballora. And the only one who is seemingly left unpunished is Funtime Freddy, not even getting his own room, just stored somewhere until it’s time for a show. It’s implied he’s either the least sentient out of the cast or the one who acts closest to his original programmed personality. But either reason leaves him unpunished, not locked away for safety and disobedience. He’s unpunished but left alone in a single storage room. But whoops maybe having him follow his programming better than the others wasn’t the best idea. As he gets confused to when he’s on or off stage, when he should be sleeping, forgetting this hug is too tight for a child, or that said child is actually an employee that happened to go into the Breaker Room and is in fact not a birthday boy.

So Baby is unsettling both by design, in context, as well as her history, being created by the infamous William Afton making her again, do things she didn’t want to. So when I see her turned down into cutesy little teen girl or small child, and portrayed as such, I can’t help but again lose interest. And once again this is more of a personal preference, that isn’t how I understood Baby to be, or that she needed to be fixed from a large scary robot to cutesy bab. But it’s how others want it and I step away.

And I know this sounds like I’m going everywhere with this, and barely has to do with your ask, but I fear my post may have been mistaken as I feel this ask is talking about a way people shouldn’t draw or portray the Puppet when I wasn’t trying to say and I’m sorry if it came across that way.

As it stands a muscular portrayal of the Puppet is harmless, and a rarity in re-contributing fan media when compared to the more favored “curvy” puppet design trend. And of course these portrayals are no big deals in the end, and it’s just a preference but, I see more and more young artists following these trends because they seem more normalized. And no it’s not the original artists, of the young artist’s lack of understanding but, the fact that a lot of the fnaf fandom doesn’t treat fnaf like the horror media it is. Which is fine on it’s own, but when it’s brought up, I can’t help but look at a large side of fans like I’m looking at a Happy Tree Friends AMV with a song like this. Yeah Happy Tree Friends is a disturbing creation on it’s own but it’s not because it’s done in seriousness and the fact it’s cutesy IS what makes it disturbing, not any relevance it has to a subject or stories its trying to tell. So paired with a song as intestine and serious in tone as this one just seems…. silly. The editor wanted it to be horrific and scary but with the content at hand… it’s nearly impossible to do and takes a lot of figuring out to make work and only a few horror media can pull it off. And once again maybe this is just a me problem and how I intake content, for me FNAF is a horror story, a tragedy, it keeps you up at night not because the fiction itself is scary, but the contents implied and the contents hinted. Freddy Krueger was a sadistic child murderer in life because it was the evilest and scariest human conduct he could think of. And it’s why it’s so disturbing in FNAF that this ominous purple figure for the first few games was clouded in mystery and terrifying because while Krueger he killed innocent children, the purple figure was scarier over the fact he worked with these children, and he might still have worked with said children and he was Never caught and we didn’t even know his name back then. But we, the player saw him. Then we’re given just his vague actions of not only killing innocent children for no rhyme or reason (and any reasons at the time being just as horrifying )he then“Stuffed the victims in the animatronics” makes you think about how utterly disturbing that is. How did he even manage to do that, how did they not find him, that’s so horrible? And if the Puppet did that, why? The Puppet is vaguely sympathetic or is it? Because why would it do something so disturbing and as horrible as stuffing children into metal suits to the point their blood and organs leaked out, even in the name of “saving” them. It’s still horrible! It’s still tragic!

So when I see attempts at acknowledging in the horror in FNAF I want to give reminders that despite everything, Baby was HORRIFYINGLY big, looked had a cuteness that leaves people with the uncanny feeling of a porcelain doll’s stare. (as well as Ballora’s horrific treats being based off that).

That the Puppet despite everything it’s not a human, and has never been shown to bend in the same way a human can, and when it does move its arms and legs are still stretched out in space as it jumps in to kill you.

And to keep aspects like this when creating fan horror content or original horror content. The simplest of choices are usually the best ones, the feeling of being unable to move while your vague unknown attacker's inch closer and closer, to walk blindly in the dark with dangerous creatures. And in the end of this scary tragedy, or wanting things to be happy again, trying to solve the mystery, trying to make the horrible less horrible, only death awaited. For all of us.

[bluering8]

do the fandom ask thing for all the versions of star trek you've seen

So that’s… TOS and TNG then (we could also countnu!Trek/AOS but… let’s not count nu!Trek/AOS).

I’ve also seen Two Whole Episodes of Voyager (the one where B’Elannagot split into her human and klingon halves because that’s how species works inStar Trek I guess, and the one where Doctor McHologram wrote a story andeveryone was real mad about how they were portrayed in his story so they wrotea story where he sexually harassed his patients because that’s how solvinginterpersonal problems works in Star Trek I guess) but I don’t think that’senough to Count.

the first character Iever fell in love with:

TOS: Spock.

TNG: Data!

a character that Iused to love/like, but now do not:

TOS: Uhhh probably Spock also? It’s not that I dislike him now so much as I’ve justkind of lost interest in him as a character. I find vulcans to be pretty boringoverall. I adore serious-businessstoic characters, but usually what I love about them is that they’re just assilly as everyone else, only in different ways. You don’t get that withvulcans, they’re like obsessively solemn and take themselves too seriously atall times.

TNG: Oh, definitely Wesley. I quite liked him for the firstcouple of episodes, and then things degenerated rapidly and now I’m at thebitch-eating-crackers level of he doesn’t even need to do anything wrongbecause I’m willing to take his mere existence as a personal insult.

a ship that I used tolove/like, but now do not:

Uhhh I don’t know man, I haven’t spent enough time aroundTrek fandom to get jaded on any of the ships yet.

my ultimate favouritecharacter™:

TOS: God, I don’t know. I don’t feel mad super passionatelyabout any of the TOS cast. Scotty? Scotty’s fun, I like him okay I guess.

TNG: DATA!! My boy, my son, my cinnamon roll, my perfectwish-fulfilment character because who doesn’twant to be an autistic robot man with super strength and a job he loves and apet cat and a dorky boyfriend??

prettiest character:

TOS: Uhura, absolutely.

TNG: Depending on how you define “prettiest”… Tasha Yar isabsolutely the most attractivecharacter, she could break both my arms and I would thank her for the privilege.Geordi is probably the nicest to look at,there’s something so utterly pleasing about the proportions of his face. He isShaped Like A Friend. (Special mentions go to Data and Picard, who have thebest noses on the ship. Neither of them have particularly fantastic noses, butI have to take what I can get where I can find it. Where are all my big-nosedbeauties, this show is not catering to my aesthetic preferences and I feel personallyattacked by this.)

my most hatedcharacter:

TOS: Again, I just don’t feel mad super passionately aboutany of the TOS cast. Who don’t I even like? This is the sound of me realising I’veforgotten like 90% of TOS.

TNG: It’s cliché to hate Wesley, but… guys, I really hateWesley. Also I kind of dislike Troi a lot. Apparently she gets better later on,and I’m not yet at the stage where I loathe her utterly and there’s nothing shecan do to redeem herself, so maybe hopefully one day I will stop dislikingTroi? That’d be neat.

my OTP:

Data/Geordi. That’s it, that’s the ship.

Uh you know what, also Odo/Quark. I don’t know fuckinganything about DS9 but I follow enough people who care about the goolawman/trashgoblin bartender ship that I accidentally started caring about italso. They’re horrible gross jerks who hate each other and they should getmarried so they can go around being horrible and gross and hating each otherfor the rest of eternity please and thank you.

my NOTP:

I don’t really… care enough about shipping to dislikeanything. Data/Yar maybe? I don’t enjoy this ship based entirely on twocharacters having fucked once under the influence of Weird Space Drugs, whichYar then indicated she very much regretted and would not have done sober.

favourite episode:

TOS: I… can’t really remember any fuckin’ TOS episodes. Orlike, I can remember them, but I can’t remember how I felt about them (and myfeelings would certainly have changed by now given that it’s been years).

TNG: S03E10 (The Defector)!! I loved the oneshot NPC and Ienjoyed the plot a lot and I got very emotionally invested in everything whichhappened. I’ve already talked about this hereand here sowe’ll move quickly on before I accidentally another outpouring of love for RomulanDefector Guy and his character arc.

saddest death:

TOS: Spock! The impact was kind of dulled because I knew he’dbe coming back, but it’s still that moment which really really drives home so fucking hard just how much Spock andKirk mean to each other. There’s something so fucking glorious about a death scene where all a person can do is sit andwatch helplessly.

TNG: Am I allowed to say Jarok? Am I allowed to care about aoneshot NPC so much that I consider his death to be the most tragic thing inthe series so far? It’s not so much that I’m sad he died, just that… you havethis character who’s betrayed the planet he loves, he’s lost his familyforever, he’s given up everything,and he thought he could live with that because he did it all for a Cause andnow he learns that it was all a lie and he really did it all for nothing? Likeouch, yeah, just pull my still-beating heart out of my chest and fucking step on it. And then like, hedies because that’s the simplest way to tie up his plotline and you never haveto think about him again and Okay Then.

Other than that, Data’s death was Very Sad because I love myrobot son. Yar’s death was not really sadbut it was Upsetting because god dammit Yar deserved better!! She was too coolto get randomly offed by Goo Man, this is bullshit.

favourite season:

TOS: I think Iremember S02 being particularly good? Who Knows man.

TNG: I. Argh. Fuckign. I’m going to say S03 because it wasthe one I watched most recently and like, a “season” is a really big shape, Ican’t hold shapes that big in my tiny meat brain. But this one had RomulanDefector Guy and Q being de-Q’d and Data having non-drugged sex and Datagetting kidnapped then attempting to shoot his kidnapper to death thentransparently bullshitting Riker when asked about it, and those were all thingsI enjoyed happening. But then S02 also had a lot of things I really enjoyedhappening?? I don’t fucking know, my guy.

least favouriteseason:

Instead of answering this question I spun my chair incircles singing along to Charmless Manand I suggest you do the same. Seasons are really big and there’re a lot ofthings which happen in them!! I don’t have the memory for that sort of thing.

character thateveryone else in the fandom loves, but i hate:

I… don’t really hang around in the fandom enough to knowwhat the general opinion of the characters is, I just sit here in my own littlecorner and enjoy myself.

my “you’re a piece oftrash, but you’re still a fave” fave:

Q!! Also Lore. My faves are always trash, loving Data asmuch as I do is very unusual for me.

my “beautifulcinnamon roll who deserves better than this” fave:

D A T A!!

my “this ship iswrong, nasty, and it makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it”ship:

I… can’t think of anything. That’s weird, I usually hitbedrock on Problematic™ ships within the first fifteen minutes and spend therest of the show attempting to dig myself Even Deeper. Uh, does Bruce Maddox’screepily transparent crush on Data count? I think that should count.

my “they’re kind ofcute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested” ship:

TOS: Spirk! It’s a good ship, I enjoy it, they shouldtotally get married, but you won’t catch me lying awake at 3am staring at theceiling and gently weeping to myself over how much I want these dumbmotherfuckers to just kiss already.

TNG: Data/Q. I’m not sure whether or not anyone else shipsit, but watching S03E13 (Deja Q) convinced me that it’d be cute. They both havean outsider’s perspective on humanity, Data’s patient and forgiving enough todeal with Q’s feather-ruffling bullshit and would generally be a calminginfluence on him I think, and if you take lifespan disparity into account thisis probably the least depressing ship for either of them.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #2

2.Disconnected/ Dissociation/ Depersonalisation / Darkness

Most days I'm not sure that I would choose to look after me... I would like to give up and scream.

consistent healing with mental health is the most frustrating thing. like how do you justify yourself to the people getting annoyed at you for your tics when you barely even know what a tic is and why you’re doing what you’re doing? people never believe your explanations, or it would take them studying you to see the reality of the depth of suffering, why I’m doing these annoying things and it is hard to explain. I can’t say that I can’t control it because that’s not completely true- it’s not like a muscle spasm completely out of control, its more of an impulse a bit like OCD behaviour. My brain follows mental patterns n finds it difficult to not get out of the cycle. its like scratching at a mosquito bite where yeah technically you can just not scratch it but it feels agonising not to and takes all your concentration not to do.

I’ve been more uncomfortable with the idea of being a person lately. i can’t conceptualise time so I get this feeling sometimes where its like , I hate the fact that I’m a person and I exist and it usually makes me super confused & I go into a misty state of mind where everything feels like it’s piling up leaving me anxious n too deep & I just feel too disconnected from everything. I feel lost when I look at my limbs; they grow heavier.

I personally try to spend as little time looking in the mirror as possible because it can be a big trigger for my dissociation. but taking pictures of my day/ what I’ve eaten helps me remember i have been present in the long run. This is why I have a complex relationship with social media, sometimes when I go on it I get depressed even though I want to be active. I cope by only looking in the mirror with other people there or when I have a specific reason to. It’s like I know my soul but my physical form confuses me.

I don’t even tell my friends I’m dissociating any more cause it’s just,, a given. I feel really embarrassingly bad. It’s one of the few things with my mental health that I try and minimise and hide from my friends- but I end up hiding myself as a whole, when my soul wants to be present but my body doesn’t know how to comply. I’m really sorry people have to deal with that, it’s so scary to be disconnected.

it’s annoying to have sucky mental health cos even when I want to get help I get embarrassed & feel ashamed that my brain is the way it is. I feel like a burden, or I don’t care enough about myself to believe I deserve help & to be healthy & mentally okay. I often realise the depth of self hate & my brain tells me I’d be better off dead. 

I feel forced to engage in ‘the caste system of life’ . As humans were just expected to ‘keep calm and carry on’ but I’m genuinely tired. I can’t grasp that I ever used to work 2 jobs in a day at one point, I can’t grasp how. I feel an immense amount of distress about having to work in these times too, it’s like finally my mental is free to roam to whichever corner it deserves to feel peace without having to mask at all times, finally I get some extra time to organise my journals and paint & we’re actually still being made to feel obligated to go about our days as if everything is normal, while being tuned into a fear frequency. I feel like so many things are obfuscated with absolute lies & it’s hard to go on just because you have to but not cos you actually desire it.

I’m a great worker & communicator when I do have the energy, but I don’t have any dream job because I don’t dream to slave away to a capitalist system that perpetuates all kind of nonsense, i dream to dismantle it. Which I know I can’t do, so then I feel powerless, insignificant & small. for now I just can’t be arsed doing anything. maybe deep down I still have hope.

I’ve become more pessimistic that optimistic,I receive these death threats from my brain too In really dumb moments, & I’m like oh my gosh we have to just keep washing dishes & putting them away & putting more food in them & doing this over & over until we die. 

I am someone that needs people but I have these silly built in coping mechanism. it’s like this character in my brain needs to hop to the recharge centre,it often wants to hide in my mental cavern of preservation because it feels like it’s disconnected from everything else. like how is everyone holding up jobs or education ? how will I be able to have all these good times & spoil my family & friends like I want to, if I can’t hold up a job ? why can’t my head not be such a bloody mess & why can’t I seem to conform to normality ??? My brain starts asking the questions, my brain starts caving away. 

Even a long time ago my brain stopped planning for a future past 30 because of my individual situation & traumas, and mainly because the world is a horrible illusion once you grow & realise how truly powerless & insignificant it makes you feel. dissociation turns my memories into flat, unconvincing shadows.

thankfully I haven’t gave up & I’m still here with a bit more of a desire to go on- but only because of the inspiring creative loving caring people that surround me. over the years I’ve come across marvellous souls & I have the most beautiful family I could ever ask for. i would never want to seem ungrateful. I know the whole saying of ‘silence speaks volumes’ but as someone who’s always felt like they need to explain themselves for their entire life, I’ve learned that sometimes silence is necessary, to be able to fully be yourself & uplift the people in your life, you need to learn how to be comfortable & confident with your own self. I’m washing away my Shame and painting my shell shiny y’all!!!! Soon come you’ll see the armour I’ve been working on in the flesh.

My silences are not done in a sense of ‘I need to work on me only & FIRST, THEN I can worry about you’ but a ‘I’ve never put myself first & ALSO need to worry about me the way I worry about you I want all of us to eat together, I just don’t wanna be that friend that feels like they’re holding people back from doing things because I’m on pause. and of course there’s the fact that compromise is necessary to make friendships work, I want to make time & be present. 

I don’t feel obligated(I genuinely do want to be there) but in my head for things to run smoothly for everyone’s sake there needs to be consistency(I don’t wanna lose the people I love & want to grow with them) but someone said to me consistency is just obligation sprinkled. and sometimes it just be like that, I hate how all my messages start with ‘so sorry for these late replies’ I hate it. the people pleaser always feels the need to explain but i feel bad because I feel like I’ve let them down already & that I didn’t intend or want to ignore them I just have a terrible relationship with my phone,social media & I’m one of the worst communicators I know, even though In person & in a comfortable atmosphere-I’m someone who can speak for the whole of both Scotland and Tanzania. I have a very all or nothing type brain.

most time I’m restless too and its like..i get hyper aware of all my surroundings and its really scary and emotional for a little bit but then i just start dissociating hella and it sucks ,, it’s become a normal state of mind or thing my brain does to sort of reject humanity and stuff & when I do ‘zone out’ there has to be a sense of awareness in my brain, I care a lot & I’m aware that those on the other side will feel left the dark from the other end.

I just get embarrassed n I don’t wanna ‘be the fuck up’ even though my brain actively just keeps doing it. I’m not even exaggerating sometimes the anxiety builds up because some eedyat from my past that I wanted to avoid messages me. or because I can’t reply to all my people at once. (I have people & connects from Tanzania, Turkey & Scotland) so my messages will pile up & then I don’t know how to start the replies & then I freak out & feel like a failed shitty friend, I also don’t wanna be selective because I WANT to speak & hear from everyone I do maintain contact with, but then my brain dissociates.

sexual abuse, physical & narcissistic abuse sucks. It doesn’t control me - but it’s shaped a part of my brain. for the time’s I’ve had to ‘cope’ & go to work as if everything is okay, further masking. the times as a kid I felt like I’d get punishment or a beating for answering back or doing something or being disobedient or ‘wrong’, it fuelled my ability at being able to mask more. I could lie for as long as I could so remember thanks to pedo paul- he also distorted & lured me into feeling easy & comfortable in highly alarming uncomfortable scenarios no child should ever have to experience.

being myself fully, feeling comfortable to be myself & explain my brain has never been easy.

another example that also made me be able to mask, is growing up in a ‘perfect’ looking family with much more dysfunction than I realised the older I aged. there isn’t necessarily a lack of connection in my family-we have a lot of love & togetherness, we know how to be a team. we’re a fast & fierce intelligent,compassionate bunch & I’m thankful enough to have 2 very understanding parents that will listen..I could’ve spoken to them about certain things earlier, I wish I did but I can’t go back. I forgive & hope they forgive me for there were still years where I felt judged, or like I’d be disowned.

I think it’s invalidating for parents to write off the so called ‘teen phase’ phase as the result of hormones and irrational teenage anger.

We now have more of a relationship yet there’s still that disconnect or connect only when I’m communicating with one of them at a time (depending on the subject matter/ setting).i can still chill with them both but sometimes chat feels forced. they have given me the reassurance that I’ll never be judged with what I share. Though at one point I felt (or in my head) like the downer child, they did project feelings of shame which I think stemmed from a ‘place of concern’ - and that was due to a lack of familial friendship. Both my parents were made to be parents & did a damn good job at raising us because despite the flaws. we remain tough, empathetic, polite,sensible, witty, charming, fun, respectable & decent which are all qualities from both of their seed.

I think they both deserved different loves or a more open one. because you see it sometimes felt they could’ve put their parent badge aside and talk to me like a friend, I’m not sure if all my siblings felt the same but I did. I’m also thankful for all the lessons & can’t discount my parents parenting, they are great. I’m not saying they failed, I just think that if you want your child to communicate with you, there needs to be a sense of comfort ability for them to be able to open up. If you force them to speak while you’ve ingrained fear, you end up pushing them further away. I guess to an extent the whole ‘ingrain’ fear into your child so they can respect you does work, but this creates sneakier children too- finding ways to get away with things because they’re worried you’ll get them in trouble for doing so. so if the communication lessens as the child grows, it’s because they didn’t feel understood, despite being listened to. Anyways I love my family still, I’m just an over thinker & sometimes I feel like there’s a lack of soul level conversation & genuine laughter. there’s grudges held but not expressed so then the atmosphere of the household begins to feel stuffy. whether or not everyone realises it, whether it’s because different personality types clash in the house, a bunch of reasons perhaps. But yeah in terms of dissociating & tying masking into it, it would happen whenever I felt in danger or like someone would think i was not good enough and hurt me. 

sometimes I can be dry & just wanna listen to my peoples. but I feel like I always need to talk because of my people pleaser brain that also feels the need to fill in silences or feels rude when it doesn’t respond but the reality is sometimes my brain doesn’t allow me to be able to be consistent with social media, messaging, calls etc- I have a disconnect from social media even tho part of me loves the concept so much & the communication aspect is such a bonus (especially with international friends & family£ in turn my life feels like a dramatic podcast. for a while now there’s been more a mentally tired feeling that reigns over my brain, it all just gets a bit blurry so I have this habit of ‘checking out’ when I feel like I’m under stress & there’s a chance of more overloaded- it sort of makes my brain disengage even more. for some people reality checks help, for others they make things worse. personally when I don’t feel good enough I start convincing myself I already failed & that I’m not worthy of my family n friends & all that yap, the brain mould grows!! whenever stress arises or my awkward brain starts conspiring against itself- the zone out will begin.

I don't even realise the weight of my words, how serious and ugly it is. I am floating around. for years. I don't remember what feeling real is like. I feel like everything is fake and even though I matter I’m unimportant until I wear my skin of confidence & the that life is a game. I want to be able to feel like a normal person and believe myself, to believe that life isn’t a dream. I can't. I am just floating all the time. I just want to feel real for once and not so fake.

I do use listening to music or a podcast as a coping strategy so i have something engaging for my brain to focus on. music grounds me when de realisation gets really bad. but then there’s always knowing that more and more is just piling up. It’s like an outer body experience where you’re watching your lifeless body turn blue & there’s a timer with spilling sand but you’re frozen.

I feel this pattern from childhood of escapism is gash coming into adulthood, feeling everything so intensely can genuinely get overwhelming my heart feels like a racing car. I’m keen & determined though. I’m hopefully going to learn more about the brain, human impulses, how we think, because learning about humans helps me understand why I do things more, and that sort of seems to help. I wanna be strong enough for the people I love, I want to support them in tough times too I just don’t always have conversations- I’m sorry. being half there isn’t nice,neither fun.

I also keep thinking there’s some bigger /thing/ Reason for the universe, maybe waiting for the aliens or government to blow us up with the push of a button lol. I spend more time thinking about the afterlife but don’t do enough in my present one. most days I feel like life is a game boy. Is there a reason why everyone does what they do etc? Is society too dead to mend ? Remembering that it’s just the laws of the universe (human instinct, physics) controlling everything can help me. The master key system helps. Vsauce Thoughty2, Dr Phil Valentine and Brother Panic, Infinite waters,studying, art, music & generally scrolling through youtube helps lol. but I really wonder does anyone else feel like they are interacting with the world but their head is wrapped in plastic, so they can see and hear but are still totally but imperceptibly separated from the world, so they just can’t quite..connect? 

[saferincages]

a couple of weeks ago, a friend showed me this amazing post (where the photos are far better than mine, which just didn’t want to turn out at all) of @the-far-bright-center‘s beautiful, sparkly Force Ghost Anakin, and it brought me such joy (I was maybe giggling excessively...), and today he arrived in the mail as a surprise gift! 💖

I want to take a moment to appreciate this bio, and the “weapon of choice” being loyalty and love, because it is. a lot.

this could be a very silly post (okay, it already is), but it actually gives me an opportunity to talk about something that I’ve never had a chance or reason to discuss before without some frame of context, so here is an unbelievably overemotional story (one of many regarding Star Wars’ history and special place in my life, I could write a series of these focused of specific themes and characters in all honesty) that no one really needs, but that I feel compelled to write anyway.

I’ve written before about my first experience seeing Revenge of the Sith (most recently here), so I apologize for retreading a certain amount of ground, but it’s important to know what the state of my life was at that time, which was a frightening, burned out shambles. ROTS premiered in May 2005, I believe I had just completed the physical therapy I’d been undergoing since the car accident we had that February. I was extraordinarily ill, and no one knew why (diagnoses were forthcoming), I was rapidly losing weight, and at the time, the scariest thing for me, was that I had no choice but to withdraw from school. Academia, which was such a constant for me, wasn’t even going to be on the horizon. I was, in short, not okay. I felt almost hollow in that uncertainty.

That midnight premiere was incredible, exciting, emotionally fraught, and I remember the weight and the sorrow of it hitting me in a very profound way when we got home, at which point I crawled into my bed and sobbed. I saw it several times that summer, but the final time (which is also a story a couple of my friends know, but I don’t think I’ve posted about it publicly?) was on my birthday that September. It is a crystalline memory. I can recall everything about that day, even what we ate (the cinnamon rolls my mom made for breakfast, the vanilla chai tea I had at Borders that afternoon), because it was the last birthday I had when certain things were not yet permanent, when I was still in the misty place between before and after. By then, the film had moved to our local little budget theatre, and seeing it that way, with a handful of other people rather than with a big, enthusiastic crowd, lent it an intimacy and poignancy which struck me on a wholly different level. (That was also the night Supernatural premiered, which is an aside, but don’t doubt for a moment that the events are inextricably emotionally connected for me.) September, and I should have been in school, but I wasn’t. I had no idea at that point that I never would be again, but I was frightened, and sad, and deeply angry. Anger isn’t a feeling I’d had a lot of experience with, I was a sweet, shy, overly sensitive, naive child (and teenager), but I didn’t often deal with anger, and then I usually sublimated anger with grief and guilt instead (and those things were warring in me, too, and of course I still carry them), but the anger at the unfairness of it all, at how cruel it was that this had happened to me, at how much I hated my own body for turning against me, how I irrationally hated myself for not being better or stronger or able to fight it, was consuming and yet almost childish, as though being ill was causing a perpetual temper tantrum in my mind.

My touchstone in the prequels was always Padmé, and she deserves her own post, but she was so inspiring to me, her compassion and her goodness and her belief in justice, her loving nature and her femininity and her tender heart being strengths, and never undermining her bright spirit, her keen mind, her ability to lead, her powers being her forgiveness and empathy and kindness. I love her so much and she had (and continues to have) such meaning for me. 

It took me by surprise when the aching heart of my identification in ROTS plunged more towards Anakin. I loved him too, and I had a lot of varied, complicated feelings about him already, about his gentleness and his trauma, about the immensity of his capacities and his contrasts, but this was the fall, the dark hour of the story, the nadir of everyone’s suffering, and so much happens at his hand, because of his tragic choices. When I was reading the novelization, I didn’t know what to do with the fact that I understood certain aspects of his struggling in such a harrowing way, and seeing it playing out made that even more acute. Those choices he makes out of desperate fear aren’t rooted in evil, they’re driven by the chasm of grief and terror of loss, and they’re mixed with disillusionment and disappointment and frustration. Up until the moment when he walks into the Jedi Temple, when we really see him cross a line he cannot return from, hope for a course correction seems possible. Even knowing what’s coming, it’s like...just turn back. You can still fix this. It ripped my heart out because of course he wouldn’t, he couldn’t. There’s the scene where he’s denied the title of Master, and his outburst at the council (“this is outrageous! it’s unfair!”) is tinged with an adolescent level of upset, but...of course it is. He’s still so young and he wants to trust them, it’s not ambition causing that fury, it’s desperation for inclusion, for some measure of respect, and he keeps being refused. It’s a strange analogy because the things holding me back had nothing to do with a council of old men deciding my fate, all my hindrances were physically trapping me in my own body, the jury denying me the ability to move ahead was my own failing immune system, but I understood his rage, because I wanted someone I could yell at. The person I was so terrified of not being able to save, of having to watch die, wasn’t my beloved, it was...me, the girl I was, the girl I dreamed of becoming. I’ve talked so many times about feeling like I let her down, like I’m the ghost of her, the revenant walking around in a shape that vaguely resembles her, but at that point, she wasn’t gone yet, she was just rapidly slipping away. I didn’t know what to do to save myself. People would say it wasn’t my fault, to let it go (which felt a lot like being told the useless “mourn them do not, miss them do not”), that I was still here, I didn’t ask to get sick, and I knew, logically, that was true, but emotionally all I felt was that crushing guilt and despair (all of this remains a lingering struggle). I didn’t want to be powerless. I would have clung to something that offered me a way out. I knew where Anakin, conflicted and misguided as he was, was coming from, and it eroded everything that made him good and heroic and kind, so the only power I had left was to fight against it and keep the anger at bay.

This is such a specifically personal thing that I won’t get into the analysis of what happens in regards to his descent (which I also expounded upon in that other post anyway), but every time it happened, the same muscle memory seemed to take hold of me, my hands would shake and I’d press them together, my chest would pound, I’d bite my lip to try not to cry. I have this overwhelming fear of fire, so Mustafar was its own nightmare, and I’ve literally only watched the immolation scene once (that first time, at the midnight showing), otherwise I close my eyes tightly shut. I don’t even like seeing gifs of it. But because of what I was going through at the time, what I’ve gone through since, the physical aspects of him so painfully and horrifically losing himself, being so stripped of his humanity that hardly anyone ever looks at or acknowledges him as a person again (until Luke) held its own terror (it’s such an awful metaphor when it’s examined, and it’s that re-enslavement, he did not choose that reconstruction) because I didn’t understand what was happening to me physically, and because so many people were questioning the veracity of my pain and my incapacitating illness, were treating me as somehow less (ableism wasn’t even a word in my vocabulary yet, I just thought maybe everyone had a point and I didn’t deserve the space to be heard or understood, since so much of what I was going through was invisible). I genuinely felt like my personhood and my agency was being taken away. I didn’t have school, I was quickly isolated from everyone else and kept in the (comforting yet confining) cage of my room, I didn’t know who I was supposed to be anymore, and I didn’t know what to do if no one would listen or believe me (my mom aside). The torture Anakin is put through in that conversion to Darth Vader is unimaginable and I don’t want to dwell on it, but there’s a passage from the novelization that goes in part: “The first dawn of light in your universe brings pain. The light burns you. It will always burn you...You can hear yourself breathing. It comes hard, and harsh, and it scrapes nerves already raw, but you cannot stop it. You can never stop it. You cannot even slow it down...now your self is all you will ever have...and within your furnace heart, you burn in your own flame.” It’s such a wrenching description that some part of me separated it out from the villainous aspect, because the rest of it felt true. My nerves were raw and burned with sensation, touch and too much strain hurt, but my heart persistently, stubbornly kept beating, and I was left sifting through the alternating aspects of its passions (both the transcendent and the desolate).

This isn’t at all “excuse or justify the things Vader did” (since, again, this isn’t actual analysis, it’s sentimental personal nonsense), because of course I do not and never would, but the depth of empathy I had for Anakin, as a person and as a lost soul (and a lost future), and the way that left an imprint on me right at the onset of my illness became indelible.

There’s a point to this, I promise.

George Lucas did re-editing and reworkings of the original trilogy and I’ve never minded any of it, because they were his to edit and fix up if he wanted to do so, and little extra CG snippets of planets and creatures only expands the universe in my mind. That said, I realize adding Hayden’s Anakin at the end of Return of the Jedi was divisive, even upsetting for some, but for me it was everything. I’ve hesitated to ever reblog gifs of the scene because I felt like I had to justify or explain why I hold it so dear before I did, so this is my chance to do that. 

As a child, I never felt really connected to the fleeting glimpse of Sebastian Shaw (my mom actually remembers me asking why he was so “old,” apparently I reasoned at the time that Anakin should have been younger, I think because I imagined him then as more of a dashing hero, based on Obi-Wan’s description in A New Hope). Anakin never lived as that image of a more middle aged man, that was never who he was within Vader’s suit, and there was always an evincive resonance that I was seeking. Once Attack of the Clones came along, Hayden was my Anakin, he was the embodiment of that character, and I loved him, and I loved his performance (and saw so much nuance and layering in it despite what was often said). Yet one of the last images we witness of him is burning on that scorched lava shore. It’s devastating. 

Luke’s unwavering faith that some glimmer of his father still exists, that goodness can’t ever be entirely erased, that love will overcome, that throwing aside his weapon is an act of bravery and grace, is the moment when Anakin is finally released from that. “He takes the ounce of good still left in him and destroys the Emperor out of compassion for his son.” Balance is restored, and redemption is very small and quiet, not a washing away of violence, but a ceasing of it. It’s the hope that we can always find salvation, that we can still choose to act in love.

When Luke turns around and sees those spirits watching over him, benevolent and glowing and one with the Force, Anakin is his beautiful self again, as the description on this little package says, restored to the “hopeful young Jedi he once was.” The first time I saw that edit of the film, I wept. That was the connection I’d been looking for, the understanding that we’re never wasted, that our souls endure and are mended, that we can choose light, no matter how lost we feel we are, that love can persevere and illuminate even the longest night. It reminded me that I wasn’t only my body, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how it felt like it was collapsing on me, no matter how often I felt like I was failing to be the person I thought I would be, my body could never capture the entirety of who I was, or am. My spirit could still shine, my heart could still be soft.

Anakin says to Padmé in AOTC, “Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a Jedi's life, so you might say we are encouraged to love.” It’s one of my favorite scenes because it’s so sincere, and yet so richly layered in its meaning. And in the end, this is fulfilled, this belief is proven right.

People may think the idea of the Force is hokey, but because of the way I was brought up, and the intense theological discussions that used to be framed around it (particularly by my dad, we used to do this over e-mail back in the olden days of dial-up, I wish I had those conversations saved), it was a really important, formative concept for me. The Force is connectivity, it’s like a variant of the belief in Tikkun olam that parts of the vessels of the divine used to shape the world shattered, and their shards became sparks of light trapped within the material of creation, and thus exist and persist in all of us, in all the diverse and breathtaking life around us, and that we should respect and cherish that life. “The best expression of the Force is not a lightsaber fight or other combat techniques. It’s really about your connection to life, to everything around you, and your ability or willingness to let go, to find peace, and ultimately become a selfless part of existence...in the end there is no power that aids [Luke], except the power of compassion and love; the act of forgiveness and apparent self-sacrifice is what saves his father from the dark side.” 

It’s the idea that there’s something eternal within all living things, something powerful and connected that binds us together, that means we affect one another, and that we make choices as to whether those influences are for the better (or not). That we can decide to increase the power of light and warm energy in the universe. The idea that we’re not limited to our physical selves, that we’re luminous, radiant, possible beings. That we can reach out in love and compassion to heal the world, even if it’s only in small ways, even if we’re the only ones who see it exist, who know it happens, and still the summation of that additional light can radiate everywhere.

[eyedelater]

notes on vigilantes (hero academia illegals) after reading all available chapters

the most striking feature of this spinoff is that every chapter is like an introductory chapter. the first one i read was #7 (like a month ago) and i was sure that that was the first time we were meeting koichi. that's just how it felt. then i started at the beginning and chapter 1 was an introduction to the concept of vigilantes in a world of heroes and an introduction to our three main characters. then chapters 2 through 6 were Also introductions to the concept of vigilantes and our three main characters. they kept getting nameplates on their first appearance in each chapter! chapter 4 opens with present mic being like "JUST WHAT IS A VIGILANTE?!" bitch you think i don't know what a vigilante is by now??? don't be so accommodating of new readers every single chapter! it’s so redundant!

popty ping's whole character design is so male gaze it hurts. she hits every point on the list i made of characteristics shared by too many horikoshi female characters: mask is only an eye mask (so you know she's pretty), form-fitting and unnecessarily revealing costume, no physical abnormalities, generic attractive face shape, long hair, average height, generic attractive body type, no prominent muscles or anything. the only thing that makes her appearance distinctive or memorable in any way is the way they draw the texture of her hair in those weird puffy chunks, which i kinda like. her "alter ego = glasses and no makeup and her hair is down" thing is the most cliche bullshit possible. she's a walking panty-shot who makes it a point to show her ass to everyone because... she wants to? it makes her feel good about herself? surely not just because the artist wanted to draw a girl's ass as often as possible, oh no, think about what SHE wants, she's a strong independent female character who totally wasn't created solely as a koichi love interest and audience eye candy and the occasional damsel in distress. she loves to objectify HERSELF, there’s nothing wrong with that! (there is.) her backstory about being saved by koichi is cute but dumb as shit tbh. and she's not even part of the vigilante team (as seen in chapter 7 where koichi is like "we're knuckleduster and the crawler!" and she's like "i'm not with them!") because she has no actual vigilantism-related motivations except to be vaguely interested in koichi for the aforementioned dumb reasons and to show her ass to everyone. she keeps getting these large panels of her face when she suddenly blushes, as though it’s a moment that holds any emotional weight whatsoever, rather than being a super predictable way to show that she has a crush on (who could have guessed?!) the protagonist. i'm not saying she's not a likable character... i'm saying she's a poorly-executed object of pure, unapologetic self-indulgence by the author and artist. almost nothing about her is justifiable.

hachisuka's character design is, by contrast, a bit better. at least she's not, you know, pop☆step. she's not a purely sexual object (though they do treat her very creepily at times). she has something gross about her (beehive eye), which is somewhat cleverly incorporated into her character design (though i don’t see why she wears an eyepatch sometimes but not always). she has short hair and a sneaky face; she's at least one (1) step away from purely generic horikoshi-style girl. but she, too, has problems with motivations. namely, she doesn't seem to have any? like, okay, working with whoever is studying the effects of "trigger" is apparently her part-time job. so she's doing their bidding, if in a slightly chaotic way. but Why is she doing their bidding? is she getting paid? if she's just doing it for the money, why is it worth it to her? does she need money that desperately? she doesn't seem to care about other people in the slightest. why not??? did something happen to her? we don't even really have any hints as to what's driving her, do we? like, with another mysterious villain, shigaraki tomura, his motivations weren't clear early on, but we had hints, like how his childishness and quickness to panic implied that he was only a puppet posing as the mastermind, and how he had his little tirade about hating heroes because violence is bad, which made it clear that he's against the system more than any one individual, implying that the system has failed him in some way. but hachisuka doesn't have any such hints, does she? as far as we know, she's not against anything, nor is she for anything. what does she want? if anything, it seems like she just wants to fuck shit up for no reason, and that makes her less interesting as an antagonist, not more. also her name (quinn hachisuka -> quinn = queen, hachi = bee -> queen bee) is pretty silly. also, how does she load up her bees with trigger without herself getting triggered...? i want to learn more about the mechanics of her quirk. oh shit, what if her hidden eye hive is one big hexagonal cell, that would be sick

koichi is a cute and charming bugboy. about as interesting as a deku, i.e. "not especially," but i really like his quirk and his face. he's somewhat generic in terms of design, but protags have to be generic to some degree, so i'll accept it. his whole "quirk forces him to be active scurrying around the feet of the citizenry, which creeps them out a little" thing is a good schtick, a good place to work from. his motivations are simple but clear: he likes to help people. his personality is simple but clear: well-meaning, slightly oblivious, easygoing and forgiving, easily roped into things, unsure as to how to go about what he wants to do, but eager to do what he can. he’s weak, scrawny, and emotionally a bit of a pushover, so he’s not perfect, which is good. i suppose his main flaw would be that he isn't really facing any active conflicts in his life, other than what knuckleduster has roped him into. and he's going to college, but what's his major??? 

also, this takes place several years before the start of heroaca, going by ingenium's quip that tenya can't even turn corners yet, so the tenya in that little flashback is probably less than 10 years old, and if i were to go with my gut, i'd say that tenya is around 8 years old, meaning this takes place around 8 years before deku's story begins, meaning that the iida tensei who appears in chapter 7 of vigilantes is approximately 22, MEANING... that he is a perfectly appropriate age to ship with haimawari koichi. score

i was surprised and intrigued to see proto-stain appear as a character in recent chapters... and a noséd stain, at that. (he even says so himself!) his costume is p rad. when it first became clear that this guy is probably stain, my reaction was "could this be... recycling?" as in, how convenient, we get to reuse an antagonist from the main canon, and it doesn't count as reusing because it's technically in the past. but i guess this is actually a little more than just recycling, so i'm fine with it. it's interesting how he has just as few qualms about killing as he does in regular heroaca, yet his character seems more... mature? self-assured? confident? healthy...? than stain. but that makes sense, because the stain who appears in heroaca is much more... eroded. by that point, he's spent years and years stewing in his own disillusionment, losing sight of anything but his ideology, losing faith in nearly everyone... and i wonder if there was one incident in particular that set him irrevocably on that hopeless path, an incident that occurs between now (vigilante time) and then (heroaca time) that results in the loss of the nose off his god damn face. (p.s. that moment when he was like "THE RED OF LIFE~ THE BLACK OF DEATH~" wow what an akaguro chizome thing to say, nameless stranger whose quirk and tongue happen to be 100% identical to stain’s. i can’t believe the heroaca wiki page on stendhal doesn’t acknowledge that he’s definitely stain) (and that dolphin cap he puts on omfg and he keeps his ponytail up, he totally puts his ponytail through the hole in the baseball cap like holy shit)

this porcupine fucker... (his name is souga, apparently...) they tried to treat his character as redeemed without actually giving him a redemption. as soon as he's reintroduced as a potential ally, he gets all pissy when they remind him (not accuse him baselessly, but REMIND HIM of what he ACTUALLY DID) about how he and his buddies threatened to literally rape and kill popty ping, like, THE LAST TIME THEY MET. and this fucker doesn't think of APOLOGIZING or making it clear in any way that he's REFORMED or promising to NEVER DO IT AGAIN; he just skips ahead to getting frustrated that they don't forgive him immediately. NOW WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD THEY FORGIVE HIM IMMEDIATELY? who would??? and then we get a humanizing moment at the hospital with lizard boy and flame boulder and then we're suddenly pitting him against stendhal, and he gets that page where we see how he feels like everyone is always laughing at him in a condescending way and it's like, we've actually seen two of the situations on that page (koichi and popty ping) and they weren't smiling condescendingly at all! you're seeing shit that isn’t there, so that’s your problem, not theirs!!! but that's supposed to make us understand this guy enough to root for him in this fight? all we've learned about him is that he expects forgiveness he hasn't asked for and he perceives ridicule and condescension where there is none! those are Not redeeming character traits in the slightest!!! in fact, they’re very worrying and abusive character traits! now, to be perfectly clear, i'm not saying that stain is right in trying to kill this guy. obviously stain feeling he has the right to be judge, jury, and executioner is at least as flawed as souga's perspective. so it's good that koichi is trying to save him. but that doesn't mean souga is anywhere near redeemed or even likable. don't be so careless in turning antagonists into allies!!! you can't just put the same character in a different slot and expect it to stick!!!

knuckleduster is the embodiment of the male gaze on male characters. he's cool, tough, muscular, mysterious, violent, and confident, and that's it. he's about as shallow as pop, but not sexualized, because they're not trying to make him Attractive (it is the male gaze, after all, which carries strong het connotations); they're trying to make him cool and ultra-masculine in a way that men are expected to aspire to be. it's not a good message, and certainly nothing new, but i don't think he's as much of a slap in the face as popty ping. so idk, i don't have any strong feelings about knuckleduster. he's badass and strong and even blander than koichi. we don't know his real name or age yet, do we? yet somehow it doesn't seem like something we urgently need to know. (i want to say "tell me his age so i can figure out whether it's appropriate to ship him with koichi" but a] koichi is 19 and can take care of himself, so i guess even a wide age difference ship wouldn't put me off too much, and b] knuckle is not even really interesting enough to ship tbh.) and note that i'm not equating quirkless with bland. his quirklessness is like, one of the few points of individuality his character has. but even that isn't played in a very interesting way, because it's not like we see him get hurt or put in any especially vulnerable positions as a result. so if they're going to build knuckleduster up from "a single pure, undistilled trope" to "a developed character of some interest" by giving him an intriguing backstory or something... hurry up and do it already, he's been in practically every chapter since chapter 0.

don't even get me started on the portrayal of midnight (the hero) in this comic. if you don't see something wrong with her deciding to be a high school teacher so she can (as she Almost Explicitly Stated) jerk off the high school boys, i'd like to encourage you to think once in a while. and the way she stopped that suicide bomber villain, that wasn't even in character with the already messed-up character of actual canon midnight-- she's supposed to be a dominatrix, but in that suicide bomber scene, she was just seductive and nurturing! isn’t a dominatrix supposed to be hot but neither seductive nor nurturing? she didn't step on him or anything. they couldn’t even get that specific over-sexualized character right without over-sexualizing her in the wrong way. smfh. did horikoshi-sensei really sign off on this?

in conclusion: the primary saving grace of heroaca vigilantes is the fact that iida tensei appears and is wonderful for a whole chapter. i’ll keep reading because it’s interesting in how it relates to the main heroaca canon, not because there’s much of anything that makes it worthwhile in its own right. though i do like koichi.

EDIT: no wonder there’s hardly anything about this on pixiv...

[magicianjay]

Magic Kaito, chapter 4 commentary.

I love both the anime and the MK special adaptations of this chapter, and overall this chapter is definitely in my top 4 favourite chapters of MK. I would have said top 3, but I really fell in love with the Robo-Kaito chapter last time. (RIP, murderous robot. You're missed.)

Kaito cutting the glass out of the window there reminds me of the scene with him cutting glass out in Nonchalant Lupin (the MK prototype), except that here Kaito is looking so smug. I love it. The art quality is already so much better.

THAT GRIN. Kaito seems to be turning into his own caricatures of Kid. Serious manga illness, very tragic story.

I do like that his watch can double as a bright light to stun people.

I've read various things in fanfics where they mention that Kaito wears a subtle face mask or make-up as Kid to slightly alter the shape of his face so he can't be recognised, but although it would make sense, it's obviously not the reality going by this chapter. MK is a silly manga, and it's operating in the space in-between poking fun at paper thin costumes and then promptly forgetting all about it later on at the author's convenience. In a different series I'm not sure that Nakamori would have recognised Kaito in the first place.

Anyway, Nakamori's skills as a detective would have to be dire indeed if he hadn't recognised Kaito, so thank goodness he could.

The scene added into the 1412 anime featuring Kaito eating dinner with Nakamori family after that heist was a great addition, in my opinion. I loved Nakamori's suspicious staring at him, and the spluttering when Aoko covered the right side of Kaito's face.

Aoko is such a sweetheart. She's so protective of Kaito that she was willing to take the inevitable massive embarrassment of asking him on a date. And she gets straight to the point, making it sound like a demand. Her body language and her tone convey her determination very well.

So Kaito reacts by needing Aoko to repeat what she said at least once, then asking if it's a joke, then by insulting her but blushing intensely...And, although it's clear that he was just spitting that insult out because the situation was awkward, it's just as clear that Aoko believed it.

It's really too bad. The way that Aoko and Kaito interact with each other sometimes involves banter and insults and maximum tsundere, and that is the kind of insult they would fling at each other, but some of it hits Aoko right in the self-esteem issues.

Aoko and Kaito's dynamic varies a lot. They don't always bicker, but when they do, sometimes that's just their own way of playing and having fun together, and I like that they feel comfortable enough with each other to play rough and be a bratty duo with a lot of back and forth.

But some of the time they're quarrelling more seriously, or genuinely being jerks, or they're falling into a pattern of squabbling from force of habit, and although they seem to forget about it or forgive each other pretty quickly (or to get even quickly, as with Aoko and the fish in chapter one)  their insults do seem to sting each other, and they also sometimes seem to sting in ways that weren't even intended. For example, Kaito in chapter one was bothered by Aoko's slight to his magic, and by extension to his dad's magic, even though Aoko probably never intended the latter.  And in the current scene I don't think for a moment that Kaito would really want Aoko to think she's ugly. Same as Aoko in a later chapter wouldn't want Kaito to really feel like a cockroach of a human being, even though she did compare him to a cockroach.

So Aoko thinks that she's unattractive and that nobody would want to date her. That bites. An alternative interpretation would be that she just thinks that's solely Kaito's view, and she's resigned to that, and this upsets her because of course, who wants their BFF/love interest to think that about them? That makes sense, but I'm not sure if that could explain everything. She's too quick so accept what he said there as the truth, and then there's also some stuff later on in the series, specifically in the skiing chapter, where she definitely has other self-esteem issues too. I'm interested in this, so I'll try to keep an eye out for anything further that points either way.

Kaito starts taking Aoko's request seriously once she gets teary, so there are good odds that he thought she was just messing with him before and her reaction just then finally convinced him of her sincerity. Or could be that she was so cute there he couldn't say no. Though I can't say that tears suit Aoko at all...

Kaito: so flustered about this that he can't even look Aoko in the face as he says yes, and has to look away shyly. At this point that he doesn't know what Aoko's ulterior motive is, so yeah, he's saying yes to being asked on what he thinks is a real date.

Aoko is so pleased that she's achieved victory in her quest, and her reaction is incredibly cute. Also: way to go, Aoko, in getting Kaito to agree BEFORE she set the day so that he couldn't back out. I don't know if she planned that in advance or on the spot, but either way it was crafty.

I'm really impressed by Aoko in this scene, for how hard she went for her target and how she didn't let her embarrassment get in her way. And this is no minor hurdle, because if Aoko and Kaito already had enough nerve and maturity to risk this kind of embarrassment and potential mockery and rejection from each other for just their own sake, they might already have been a couple by now. But Aoko was able to get over it straight away because she was so desperate to prove Kaito's innocence and protect him from the danger of being suspected. Now that's a great and loyal friend.

This whole scene is all pretty weird given that last chapter Robo-Kaito confessed to Aoko, so she shouldn't even be thinking that Kaito would refuse her in the first place, let alone think that he believes nobody would want to date her, but oh well, this manga is not a marvel of coherent continuity.

It's also strange that Keiko is surprised and baffled at the idea of Aoko and Kaito maybe dating, when last chapter she was throwing a party for them with a “congratulations on your wedding!” sign...

Well, either it's a classroom of trolls, or we just need to keep mourning the series' continuity. Maybe both.

Threat to BFF: detected. Aoko looks so apprehensive there, when just a moment or two before she was laughing and playfully elbowing her dad.

Nakamori's reaction to seeing Kaito's face isn't entirely consistent with his behaviour later in the series. Chapter 1, he's overjoyed that the Kaitou Kid he spent so long chasing isn't dead after all. Here, he sees Kaito's face and instantly believes that he must be Kid. But later on when Hakuba's analysis says that the Kid is a high school boy, Nakamori won't believe a word of it because it's impossible for Kid to be that young.

Maybe we could rationalise it and say that the evidence from Nakamori's own eyes was too strong for him to be able to ignore it, and that after Kaito tricking him later on in this chapter, Nakamori was able to resume happily latching on to the idea of Kid being the same person all along. But for someone who's deeply invested in Kid being someone older, Nakamori certainly took the idea of it being Kaito calmly.

One thing I like is that Nakamori never doubts that Kaito's bright enough to pull off being Kid. Seeing his face and knowing Kaito's a magician is enough for him here. I doubt Gosho actually intended to make this kind of point, but I can't help comparing this to Hakuba's initial dismissal of Kaito as just an idiot. Nakamori never thinks Kaito's stupid!  Of course, he's had the advantage of knowing Kaito for a long time.

I like the way that Aoko's face was shadowed there, leading into the next panel where...

Aoko actually flips out once she realises Nakamori is serious. She thought quickly, too, with that lie.

If Nakamori were to ever catch Kid and send him to prison, I have no doubts his home life would become an instant living hell. Not that Aoko wouldn't be angry at Kaito too, but Nakamori should  not ever be wanting to be the guy responsible for jailing him. It'd wreck their family. I would like to pretend that his stunned expression there is a feeling of impending doom, but he's just shocked by Aoko's vehemence.

The 1412 anime adaptation of this scene is a real disappointment because it doesn't show Aoko dramatically stomping her foot on the table. Aoko got shortchanged there. If you've got a dynamic character who does things like that, why on earth would you swap it out for a scene where she just stands there?

That feeling when a panel or two ago you were passionately defending your friend's innocence and moral fibre, and then they get caught being shifty as hell. And Kaito even admits to those girls that he's the culprit, and has the nerve to blame them...like he did in chapter 1 when he blamed Aoko for falling for his magic trick.

Kaito goes around at school unrepentently picking locks, playing magic tricks and pranks, using a card gun, and occasionally laying on charm very thickly and manipulatively, plus he's also placed disguises on people at least once. He might as well go around holding a Hi! I'm the Kaitou Kid! sign.

The prototype Kaito in Nonchalant Lupin actually was well-known at his school for being a master of disguise, but I have to wonder whether MK Kaito ever made a habit of it. On the one hand, it would be ridiculously suspicious. On the other hand, Kaito already is ridiculously suspicious, and early-series MK is nuts. If Gosho ever did intend for Kaito to have a history of going wild with disguises before he was Kid, he's unlikely to ever show it now.

Aoko looks so down while she's waiting for Kaito to arrive and he's late. I wonder if she was running over suspicions in her head? At the least, she had to be wondering if he wasn't going to show up and her plan to clear him would fail.

I'd like to know why Kaito was late. Was he staring at his wardrobe and trying to pick out the best and coolest outfit he could? Because, uh...if he was, it didn't work. Or maybe he was preparing for the heist. Or maybe he was freaking out about the possibility of Aoko working out that he's Kid.

Nakamori would be happy to know that he's being taken this seriously!

Damn, Kaito, those tsundere levels are off the charts. When I got into MK I scoured the internet for everything I could find about the series, and it was so weird how often Aoko got called a tsundere and yet many people didn't say the same about Kaito. And yet just look at this guy.

I wonder how many shipfics with Kaito in just take their ideas from Kaito's characterisation in Detective Conan and play up the whole suave thief angle while forgetting how much of that is an act and what a dorky tsundere he really is?

I'm not saying Aoko isn't tsundere too. She is! Their tsundere levels are feeding off each other in some kind of ouroboros.

Aoko smiling and dragging Kaito off suddenly by the arm is the cutest thing. She looks so happy in those panels.

But the date does not go well. It's interesting because if you look at Aoko and Kaito's respective behaviour on the date so far in isolation, without knowing what the characters are like, you'd think that Aoko was behaving perfectly normally and Kaito was being a jerk. To be fair, Kaito IS being a jerk. But what wouldn't be immediately apparent is that Aoko is being wildly out of character.

Up until this point in the date, she's just been putting up with Kaito being a jerk to her, and responding to that in a subdued way, going "Oh..." looking uncomfortable and embarrassed. That's not the usual Aoko! So why was she acting this way? The most likely interpretation is that she's trying to act the way that she thinks a stereotypical girl on a date "should" act - being all tolerant and forcing positivity and enthusiasm about everything, and going all "kyaaa!" in the haunted house. This was a strange and deeply awkward situation for her, since after all, she did invite Kaito out on a date-date even if it was actually a trick to clear his name. Maybe the fact the date was a trick was even what made her feel she had to act this way. How could she even act like her normal self in this situation? Her motive was to determinedly Be On A Date with Kaito to establish his innocence. So she tried as hard as she could to be the image she had of a girl on a date.

But Kaito was not having any of this. He took the jerk route of dealing with Aoko's out-of-character behaviour, definitely, but credit where credit is due, he was not happy with Aoko acting all fake and stereotypical-girl-on-a-date, and wanted to spend time with an uninhibited Aoko who felt free to be herself. He could have, y'know, just said this straight away without first being as disagreeable as possible in order to make his point, but oh well.

And so then Aoko finally relaxes and they start being brats having fun together and have a great day. It's cute! Their date doesn't look like a stereotypical date, but why should they have to conform to a stereotype which doesn't fit them? Which was probably Kaito's point.

Aoko clocks Kaito here, and it's much the same in the MK specials, but in the 1412 anime it's replaced with a forehead flick, and Kaito doesn't run after her or shake his own fist or anything in response. I wonder why? I would guess that the 1412 anime wanted to take out violence, but then...this is the same anime which changed things in ep 1 so that Kaito actually got hit by the furniture Aoko threw, unlike in the manga. Maybe it was just because the anime ended that scene on a pretty frame with Aoko happily running ahead and Kaito standing still, and you can't have both that and a scene with a grumpy just-punched Kaito running right after Aoko and complaining like the specials did. I'd say the MK specials adapted it better here, but the 1412 scene was so pretty that I like both versions.

Kaito looks so shifty there as he tries to make his exit.

And Aoko has come prepared with handcuffs. Presumably she nicked them from her dad. Theft: it's okay if it's for a good cause. She may have been thinking to herself that she trusts Kaito, but she still brought cuffs to make sure, rather than taking it on faith. Well...given her conflicted expressions earlier and the way he looked suspicious in class, she must have had some level of suspicion of him of her own. But if she didn't keep Kaito with her the whole time, she wouldn't be able to prove to Nakamori that he couldn't be Kid, so it makes perfect sense anyway.

I like the way that she doesn't explain it to him! She apologises and tells him to stay put a while longer, and looks very, very slightly awkward as she does that, but then she moves on to talking about the film and acting as if suddenly handcuffing yourself to your date is totally normal and requires no further comment. It really does seem as if she doesn't expect Kaito to kick up a fuss. Now I want to know about all the pre-canon shenannigans that Aoko's pulled in this friendship. It's hard to look at this scene and think that surprises only go from Kaito to Aoko.

In the manga here, Kaito had a convenient detachable arm that he tricked Aoko into putting the cuff on, and it's the same in the MK specials, but in the 1412 anime, he just frees his arm from the cuff. The inflatable Kaito-doll is made less completely ridiculous-looking in the anime, as compared to the jelly monster lookalike from the manga and specials.

Kaitou Kid: the very image of phantom thievery at its finest, stealthiest and most elegant. Nobody will notice him as he sneaks away to the crime scene!

Jii is not in the manga for this chapter, but he's added in to both of the adaptations. In the specials, he shows up in a car to pick Kaito up from the theme park (and the car breaks down on the way back), and in 1412, he's in the cinema in the seat behind the Kaito-doll and moving it a bit.

Nakamori de-hatting Kid count: #01. Good luck.

I love Kaito for his Aoko disguise there. Great way to put Nakamori off his trail and explain why he saw Kaito before. It's also interesting in retrospect because of a scene later on in the series where another character may or may not have used a similar trick on Kaito.

The MK specials version of this scene messed it up badly, in my opinion, by making the person Kid is shockingly disguised as be Inspector Nakamori himself, then cycling through various other people before reaching the Aoko disguise. Regardless, the Aoko voice actresses in both anime adaptations did a great job of mimicking Kid.

Dear god, Aoko, you were originally created as a detective character but you're fooled by inflatable jelly Kaito.

If we ever needed proof that Kaito's judgement has always been suspect, here we have him deciding to save time by riding on the side of a rollercoaster. And if we ever needed proof that this is a gag manga, here we have him surviving being hit on the head and falling off the coaster from a great height...

(There's always the alternative interpretation that he survives because he's secretly actually Robo-Kaito version 2. I love Magic Kaito so, so much for being a canon where things like that could be plausible.)

Kaito got really jumpy there when he heard Nakamori's voice over the TV, huh. At little moments like this when somebody (or just their voice) is behind him when he wasn't expecting it, he panics. Maybe he usually feels confident he won't be caught, and I'm sure he's not the type to ever lose sleep worrying, but he certainly is nervous when he's surprised.

Aoko's relief there about Kaito being just Kaito after all is interesting and I'll get back to that in a minute.

(I switched to the other scanlations for this one panel, since I think it has the better translation for this bit.)

It's sweet how touched Kaito was by Aoko's attempt to prove his innocence. She really did try her best for him, so it's nice that her effort actually was understood and appreciated. Too bad for her that her trust was misplaced, but still.

I would have liked to include the manga panel for the bit directly after this too, but I think the anime subtitles for this were clearer than either of the two scanlated versions I have available, so I'll just quote from that.

Aoko: Here. I got you your favorite ice cream.

Kaito: Don't do stuff like that. It's not like you!

Aoko: Even if it's unusual, I'm still me.

Doesn't that apply very neatly to Kaito being Kid?

The main themes surrounding Aoko and Kaito's interactions in this chapter seemed to be ones of identity and fear of change. They essentially have similar worries about each other.

Aoko was worried that Kaito was hiding something, and wasn't the Kaito she was used to, and was relieved when she'd "proved" that he was still himself. Kaito wanted Aoko to be herself, but then at the end he took it too far, to the point where he was constraining her instead by insisting on the status quo, and she had to correct him.

This ended up being a chapter about how you should be true to yourself and shouldn't force yourself to be someone you're not just because you feel it's what's expected of you, but how you're still the same person even if you don't always act the same way.

Kaito definitely paid attention to Aoko saying she was still herself. I think he found it reassuring – that they could change or their dynamic could alter without them losing the other one. Regardless, that seems to be what encouraged him to say that ridiculously cheesy "But ice cream is sweet" line after Aoko said he was being as cold as ice cream.

Given what the Robo-Kaito said last chapter about how he had the urge to give Aoko the cold shoulder because he loves her, it's nice to see the real Kaito managing to get over being cold, just for a few seconds.

The 1412 anime did a good thing in having Chikage laughing uproariously and mocking the hell out of Kaito over that ultra-cheesy line! (Since Aoko told her about it.) A line like that should not go unlaughed at.

[fragiilexa]

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identity ask………oh shit           ACCEPTING

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Hm, well I guess this is three questions omg but I’ll just go down the line. If they wanted to really understand me they’d have to read the Bible, which I know is saying a lot in one thing. But the reason I am the way I am is because of the things I’ve learned from that book and I would not be who I am without it. Of course I actually haven’t been able to read the whole thing yet but I take a lot of who I am from it & it’s just something that’s shaped me as a person? Oh but also I really don’t read books much anymore, but if I had to give another one it would be The Last Song? Maybe? ( The book is better than the movie, even tho I like the movie, the books better ) It just talks a lot about forgiveness & stuff and it was a lesson I really needed to learn at the time I read it & also am still learning. OH and also Crazy Love by Francis Chan, which is like a christian book, but it’s also had a huge impact on me, okay but onto watchin’.

Okay this is hard because there isn’t one full thing you could watch where the whole thing has impacted me. But there are a lot of movies I’ve learned from, ( and also since this doesn’t say specifically movies ) there are also a few speeches that I’ve really learned from ( and people would probably be able to understand me better if they watched them. But I can’t name those right now? But, I’d have to say, like, not as a whole, but Dr. Who, at least some specific episodes. Uh, Captain America?? The Help? There are more but I have a hard time naming movies/shows.

Okay and then music, fricken music, okay I could put so so so so many songs down, songs are like the soul of my life & help make me, me BUT I’m just going to give you ONE because if I didn’t this would go on forever and TWO it’s kind of my theme song but I Was Here, by the queen Beyonce. Is like, hands down my favorite *what makes me, me* song. I could name a lot more. I could make a 24 hour long playlist. But I won’t bc that would take forever. 

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

Yes, There have been a few and most of them are not on anymore but, Kae I think I can solidly say we think very similarly on just, like, how to develop muses, how to work out characters and how REAL they’re supposed to be, you know? Characters can, and should have flaws and no one has tons of perfect relationships. Real life is messy & writing should reflect that & I think we are just hella synced with that message & feeling and she’s just lovely so yeah @spookylip is bae & we think alike ( obviously bc we took those selfies that matched wITHOUT EVEN KNOWING ) we are #one

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

Girl Meets World: Riley Matthews.Glee: Tina Cohen - Chang.Marvel: Captain America, Steve Rogers.Hamilton: Eliza or Peggy SchyulerDisney: HeiHei ( no just kidding ) Moana, Princess Anna, Rapunzel,Harry Potter: Newt ScamanderStar Wars: FinnMy Little Pony: ( don’t u dare judge ) FlutterShyTwilight: Alice Cullen

4. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

Okay so I used to not like my name so much ‘cause it was really bland & there were a lot of other girls named rebecca when I was in school, then people started calling me rachel so it was like ‘my name is totally forgettable’ ( or i was i dunno ) but over the past few years I’ve started to love it, though someone ruINED the meaning of it for me *side eyes that kinky anon* but I don’t really care & I love my name now, just, never ever call me becky or I will murder u in ur sleep. :))))

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

I was slightly confused reading this but I re-read it & now I get it. I think at the moment, or for the longest time I’ve been a human being, like, there are just no opportunities right now for me to be doing what others my age are, or even younger than me. Not only that but I have to work on a lot of anxieties of mine, but that being said I don’t think I’m doing nothing. What I’m doing is small, yeah, but I try to do the best I can with what I have & I have a lot of faith that things happen for a reason & right now I’m keeping things going in my family & trying to better myself, no matter how many downsides that has, sort of. & I do Identify myself by the things I do, mostly because in doing something you have the opportunity to help someone. I try to do the right things, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t but it’s a daily thing, y’know?

6. are you religious/spiritual?

Yah. You can see that with some of my answers but I am, though I know right now a lot of people assume that if you’re religious ( especially christian, on this site at least ) that it automatically means you’re this, this & this *insert any form of ism or phobic term* but that’s really not how it works. We’re all sinners & no matter what that still doesn’t change the way God feels about us ( no matter what, we, as humans think is sin, or sinful ) I could go on a lot about this topic, honestly it’s a big part of who I am. But personally, I love God, I have a personal relationship with him that I try to work on daily & grow with him daily, my God is all loving and I just wished more people my age, or at least people on here knew that?? I dunno, there’s just so much rhetoric surrounding Christianity & most of it is wrong & I just??? Mmmm I’m getting off topic but yes! I am! It’s like a huge part of what keeps me going, I love Jesus.

7. do you care about your ethnicity?

YES. Oh my Gosh yeah, okay well I’m white, lmao, but where I come from is still like, really important to me. It used to not be. I actually used to be kind of… not ashamed but embarrassed when my Mom did really dutch things. Like, ok backing up, My grandpa moved here from the Netherlands when he was in his early teens around the time that the holocaust happened, though I couldn’t give you the exact date because I’m hella forgetful but he came with his parents and he met my Grandma and u know the deal it goes down the line. But anyways I used to like, not like the things that came with being dutch, like, I just thought it was all stupid & silly, like clogs & doilies & stupid little things like my great grandma & grandpa always used to use forks & knives with everything because it was a custom where they came from & like, it’s all small things but over the years I’ve just learned to be really proud of where my family came from? My Grandpa went through a lot to come here, he saw a lot of things he never talked about and I didn’t know him well because I was young when he died but I just really love embracing my heritage there & stuff. 

Like I’m white yes, and I’m basically a ‘mystery white’ ‘cause my dad is a mutt  & my mom isn’t fully dutch either. I’m one of those 10% Irish 25% Hungarian 50% Dutch & 15% other type of whites, but??? I’m still proud of all of it?? Like I love learning about where I came from & who I am & I think everyone should be proud of all parts of their ethnicity. As Matthew Montgomery said: “ Love all your percentages. “  

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

shiT fam, this is getting so long & it’s gonna get longer, okay let me just do like… two, tha two tops…

Demi Lovato: Obviously, I mean… obviously She is one of the people I look up to most and I don’t know where I would be if I never had her & her music in my life. She’s taught me so much about strength and confidence and overcoming something when it looks like it will be impossible. She’s helpped me grow into someone who cares & wants to learn & help others and I just admire her so much for what she’s done, for herself, for others and for never giving up when she could have. Not to mention the ballads that have helped me through really hard times, or the speeches she’s given that remind me I’m strong & capable 

Taylor Swift: *que everyone groaning who’s reading* anYWAYS I can’t even honestly write down or explain how many times that Taylor and her music has helped me when I felt like I wanted to give up, or how many times I have cried listening to songs that should not have resonated with me but did. She’s helped me to realize not only that I am important but that no matter what, despite what people may do to me, or make me feel that I’m still important and worth working on. She’s also shown me what goofing off can do to make you feel better, how not giving a shit has helped me move on from past relationships and how being unapologetically ME is okay

In fact, I feel like Demi’s taught me those things too. But they’ve both done it in different ways, which I think shows how beautiful loving yourself can be. Because you don’t have to love yourself how another person loves themselves. You have to figure out your own, unique way to view yourself & believe in yourself & love yourself & I think that’s just really beautiful. Now, they both hate each other ( or at least severely dislike one another ) but I just feel like they’ve both done so much for me and I don’t think I could thank either of them enough for showing me strength, beauty, confidence and love in the way they have. It’s insane how much of an impact people can have but they have. I could go on but I woont I promise.

9. are you an artist?

YES I am, though my skill can be debated I love drawing when I’m in the mood & painting & jst everything that has to do with art. 

10. do you have a creed?

I don’t know if this means religious, or… otherwise… but I mean, technically I’m a baptist christian ( i think? not sure anymore ) but like, I am Christian, I feel like, sadly, the beliefs I hold are a bit left leaning & less erm, strict? When it comes to how I interpret the bible, where as a my family is different, I think? I don’t know, but I just try to follow the teachings of Jesus & his disciples. “ Love others as I have loved you - John 15:12 “ I do go by other teachings but I think that’s the top of my list. Jesus loves us unconditionally, he died for us, lived for us, and rose again so we didn’t have to burn up in hell for eternity. The least I can do is show everyone the same kind of unconditional love he’s showed me throughout my life & make sure people know that though we do sin & are inherently bad at heart, he still loves us despite our downfalls and doubt. I don’t know if that really answers this question but I had to look up creed & this is the best answer I came up with SO, thank u for sending this in and I love u