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bisluthq · 4 years

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Happiness is about folklore era/the music; a lyric analysis.

So I see the song happiness confusing a lot of fans and I feel like it’s actually more straightforward than most of the other evermore songs. In order to understand it, though, we have to keep two things in mind:

She wrote it last and only finished it about a week before the album’s release.

She said this in EW well prior to the album’s release: have this weird thing that I do when I create something where in order to create the next thing I kind of, in my head, attack the previous thing. I don't love that I do that but it is the thing that has kept me pivoting to another world every time I make an album. But with this one, I just still love it. I'm so proud of it. And so that feels very foreign to me. That doesn't feel like a normal experience that I've had with releasing albums.

Taylor has said this was the final thing she made for evermore, and she has also said that usually she wants to “destroy” the previous thing she made. In this case, that previous thing was folklore right? Now let’s look at the lyrics of the song.

Honey, when I'm above the trees

I see this for what it is

But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given

Is just shit we're dividin' up

Showed you all of my hiding spots

“Above the trees” is a callback to seven (where she’s both in the trees and high in the sky) and therefore to folklore - and she’s twisting it because again it’s “becoming folklore”, right? Even the recent past songs are not exempt from the treatment.

“But now I’m right down in it, all the years I’ve given is just shit we’re dividin’ up” sounds like her current re-records situation. So essentially she seems to be saying that now that she is in the midst of the masters drama - re-recording her old stuff and all that, she’s being dredged into past mistakes and problems but she sees things more clearly when she is in the folklore era.

The “hiding spots” are both a reference to folklore (and again the song seven) and the way she has mixed fact and fiction in this era to create a new narrative, allowing her to share very real truths but in a way that’s obscured through fictional characters AND a continuation of the thought above, where she was more confessional. She’s kinda toying with what it means to hide and what it means to show her truth and kinda suggests folklore era is the better experience of that.

Then it gets even more explicit:

I was dancing when the music stopped

And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention

I haven't met the new me yet

So the first line is mirrorball/her cancelled tour and the way she has continued working through “the disbelief”. And she “can’t face reinvention” - can’t do what she has always done as per the EW quote, and “hasn’t met the new her” yet. This seems confirms evermore and folklore are sister albums, right, and that this is one era. And that it’s the first time that has happened to her - that one era spilled into “another”.

Then she says:

There'll be happiness after you

But there was happiness because of you

Both of these things can be true

There is happiness

She is enjoying this right now (there is happiness, in the last line, so it’s not just a past tense thing), but it’s a little bittersweet because she knows there will eventually be an era after this. She will move on and find new sources of inspiration and new musical ideas and styles and thoughts. And she also knows this happiness was given to her folklore and now is in evermore. But she’ll move on from the whole era eventually as well.

After that, Taylor writes:

Past the blood and bruise

Past the curses and cries

Beyond the terror in the nightfall

Haunted by the look in my eyes

That would've loved you for a lifetime

Leave it all behind

And there is happiness

She is moving through all of her past hurts and mistakes and regrets - that’s what she’s doing on these albums, we’ve been saying she’s processing a lot of very old hurts and mistakes and experiences and finding happiness.

Next, we get this:

Tell me, when did your winning smile

Begin to look like a smirk?

When did all our lessons start to look like weapons

Pointed at my deepest hurt?

Firstly, she is working through a lot of stuff on these albums so these are reasonable things to ask even in a vague way. But more than that, she is hinting at bow the way she worked her “winning smile” was no longer sustainable. That’s what she speaks to in this interview. She couldn’t keep writing pure autobiography or primarily autobiography (I have said she mixes facts and fiction before folklore and I stand by that, but the point is she framed it as such). The “lessons” she had learned started pointing out her hurts. She needed a new modus operandi.

And so what happens in the next bit? She embraces that new storytelling device:

I hope she'll be your beautiful fool

Who takes my spot next to you

No, I didn't mean that

Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury

You haven't met the new me yet

We get a reference to Fitzgerald/Great Gatsby to distance herself from this (extremely) personal song. And then she immediately backtracks - “I didn’t mean that, sorry I can’t see facts” - she is on the fence about what the narrative device means. She isn’t completely comfortable adding in this fictional character into her songwriting. Her emotions - her “fury” - are obscuring that. And so she says we, her listeners, haven’t met the new her yet. We are still in folklore era.

We get another twist on this bittersweet chorus:

There'll be happiness after me

But there was happiness because of me

Both of these things, I believe

There is happiness

Once more, there is happiness right now. But there’ll be happiness after this era - and maybe even after she stops making music - but she made an impact in this era (and in the past before) and she created happiness for us, her listeners.

She continues with that theme:

In our history, across our great divide

There is a glorious sunrise

Dappled with the flickers of light

From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind

And there is happiness

This seems to reference 1989, Reputation and possibly even Lover - so her last three eras and… possibly more. That’s “our history”, right, the way she has recreated herself over her career. The “great divide” separates this new era from her past ones. And then we get Wildest Dreams but folklorized - sunrise instead of sunset. And possibly Daylight - but the light is flickering now, so maybe it’s also DBATC. The dress I wore at midnight could be Wildest Dream’s “nice dress”, the one she bought so “you could take it off”, or one of the princess gowns from early eras… like the Love Story one, even. Or even the one in Dear John. It’s both extremely specific and vague, and I think is purposefully what she’s about to “leave behind” right. She’s leaving “the girl in the dress” behind.

And when she does leave her behind, there is happiness. But it’s still bittersweet.

We then get:

I can't make it go away by making you a villain

I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven

Well the first line is very obviously the Reputation era, but it also fits all her other diss tracks and the drags of all kinds (like just the “write a song about you” vibes she gave off for a long time).

And then the line that broke y’all - “seven years”.... Well, there were seven “confessional” albums. Where she was making “you” a villain and letting people in and now she is stepping back from that. Everyone is still trying to “pin” songs on people and that’s the price she paid for that time. A time she really, genuinely enjoyed. But which she wants to move on from now.

Then:

And I pulled your body into mine

Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties

No one teaches you what to do

When a good man hurts you

And you know you hurt him, too

I think this is in part that fictional narrative she started with in the Gatsby thing. Remember, this is deeply deeply personal but she has said that this album is always mixing fact and fiction. So as much as it’s that fictional aspect, she is also saying she used her romances as inspiration - and no one teaches you what to do when you get hurt by that. She used to write songs. But she knows that’s not the only way and you hurt people on the way too. So this is in part the protagonist singing, but it’s also referencing her songwriting style and inspiration and process.

Taylor then goes back to her early images in the song and twists them a bit:

Honey, when I'm above the trees

I see it for what it is

But now my eyes leak acid rain on the pillow where you used to lay your head

After giving you the best I had

Tell me what to give after that

All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness

You haven't met the new me yet

And I think she'll give you that

When she is in the folklore era she can “see it for what it is”. The “acid rain” seems to hark back to early albums that had very many songs about meeting up in and reconciling in the rain. She gave us the best she had but what should she do after that? Then we get the Gatsby thing that recurs through this with the green light. I think she’s also toying with the idea that many of her fans kinda want that confessional thing. Many of us want to be let in and to get a window into her life but she can’t quite do it - she’s masking it in Gatsby and characters.

We - her listeners - haven’t me the new her yet.

But maybe we’ll like that new her even more, Tay says, in a bittersweet way.

This is the ode to folklore era again:

There'll be happiness after you

But there was happiness because of you, too

Both of these things can be true

There is happiness

And again there is happiness.

This bit is similar to the previous one, but again in the way she usually does in this song and era twisted somewhat:

In our history, across our great divide

There is a glorious sunrise

Dappled with the flickers of light

From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind

Oh, leave it all behind

Leave it all behind

And there is happiness

What’s the twist? Leave it all behind is repeated. She is really insisting that in leaving the history behind she is finding happiness. Now. It is. It exists. But it is, again, somewhat bittersweet because she finds her relationship with this era so confusing - especially, I think, given she is currently re-recording.

In conclusion, this reading makes the most sense to me and I’m curious what y’all think.

#lyric analysis #evermore #happiness #taylor swift

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cutie1365 · 4 years

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A Kid from Queens Part 16

Pairing: Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Info: CA: Civil War Era. Tony Stark enlists his daughter to find the web slinging spider in Queens.

Word count: 2k

Warnings: Language

A/N: just FYI, feedback and messages from y’all make me update stories sooo much faster.

Masterlist linked in my bio. Taglist in the reblog.

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All the judges agreed that a mentor switch would be best for everyone, considering the outbreak from the boy on your original team. As Harley had asked, you were able to switch over to his team and help them with their design.

It was quite good, a few minor tweaks and suggestions that they took to heart helped immensely. The original design itself was brilliant, and while the rest of the members of the team explained the concept and execution, you saw Harley stay quiet. You knew it was his design, and he probably did most of the handiwork, but he let the team take charge. He didn’t overpower them, even though he was likely the strongest member of the team.

The night before judging, the team had you look over it once more, and you wouldn’t have changed anything. They asked thoughtful questions and seemed happy with your answers. It was such a different energy than the first team, you were actually able to talk to them and listen, and they listened to you and respected you.

Harley was walking you out back to your hotel on the outskirts of campus. It wasn’t that far, and you knew the area, but you enjoyed the company.

“Have you thought about applying for the Stark Internship Program?” You asked him.

“Of course, we’re all applying.” He nodded.

“That’s great, I think you’d be a perfect candidate. You’re a good team player, but I can tell that the design was mainly your idea. You seem to have experience beyond your years.” You said.

“You’re one to talk.” Harley smirked, causing you to laugh, and also dodging your question.

“I know, I know, but seriously.” You smiled, hoping he’d explain.

“When I was younger a... friend gave me some pointers and set me up with a lab.” He chose his words carefully.

“That’s some friend.” You raised a brow, but kept your tone playful.

“He was a character for sure. He once gave me this tiny rocket, called it a piñata for a cricket.” He smiled at the memory, but you’d recognize that sarcastic turn of phrase anywhere.

“You didn’t happen to grow up in Rose Hill, Tennessee did you?” You asked suspiciously.

“Sure did.” He answered casually.

“So you’re the wonder boy.” You smirked, knowing exactly who he was.

“He mentioned me?” He raised a brow, and stopped for a moment.

“Years ago. Something about a... potato launcher?” You tried to remember, and laughed at the thought of the man standing in front of you pointing a potato gun at your father.

“Wow.” He laughed, confirming your guess.

“You know, we’ll be announcing the first cut for the program next week and interview signups. Why don’t you come up to New York? I’m sure he’d love to see you again, now that you’re all grown up.” You motioned to his tall frame.

“I’ve never been to New York before.” He shrugged.

“You’re kidding, I’ll have to show you around.” You smiled, you realized you’d reached your hotel, and thanked Harley for walking you.

The next morning was the final day of the competition, and the day all the judges submitted their scores. Naturally, you weren’t allowed to score the team you mentored, to be fair. As you were scoring your first team's work, you saw the boy who disrespected you giving you a dirty look, like he thought you’d score them low for his outburst, to get back at them. You’d actually given them one of the higher scores, as they’d improved upon every error you saw and mentioned.

At the end of the afternoon it was announced that Harley’s team had won, and you were proud. Really they didn’t need much help, but you still felt happy for them, they deserved it.

That evening Harley joined you on the jet back upstate. You wanted to surprise your father, and you could give him a tour of the compound. He’d be a great addition to the team, and he was already familiar with your father. Of course formally, you’d make him go through all the steps for the internship, but he practically had a guaranteed spot.

As you got off the jet, still in your business attire from the competition, F.R.I.D.A.Y. informed you that your father was in the lab.

Harley followed you, trying to keep up as he admired everything you’d passed in the compound on the way to the lab. Through the window you saw your father with his back facing you, tinkering with the prototype you left him for Rhodey’s leg braces. You slipped into the room quietly.

“Dad, I’ve got a little surprise for you.” You announced yourself.

“I’m not ready to be a grandfather, young lady.” He quipped, causing you to roll your eyes as he turned around. Harley stepped to your side and your father raised a brow. He clearly recognized him, but couldn’t place him.

“How do I know you?” Tony asks, squinting his eyes as he examines him.

“We’re connected?” Harley shrugs with a smile, clearly that must have been some sort of inside joke since Tony immediately lit up, remembering him, and hugging him.

They were catching up as you were moving around the lab, showing him the nanotechnology he was so interested in.

You were laughing at something Harley had said, placing your hand on his arm gently as you heard the door to the lab open.

The three of you whipped around.

“Peter?” You asked, confused.

“Sorry, Happy told me to come pick up... my work.” He covered, clearly not wanting to mention the suit in front of a stranger. You hadn’t seen him since that morning he left your apartment, you weren’t prepared to see him today.

And he wasn’t prepared to see you so close with another man as he came into the lab. He looked older, and you were both dressed up, but he didn’t know from what. Peter had needed an update on the suit, and taking your advice had gone through Happy. A pang of jealousy rushed through him, he remembered your words, you needed time, to see if it’s worth the risk. Maybe you’d decided it wasn’t.

“Here ya go kid, all ready to go.” Tony handed him the case, he clearly wasn’t going to tell you that Peter was dropping by or that he’d mended his suit.

“Are you one of the interns?” Harley asked, oblivious to any of the tension in the room.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, Peter.” He shook Harley’s hand with a closed lip smile.

“Harley.” He smiled back.

“Nice to meet you, I’m sure you guys are busy, I’ll get out of your way. Thanks Mr. Stark.” Peter nodded, lifting the case slightly as he turned to exit the lab.

Tony had noticed how your face had dropped into a sad smile for a moment, and as Harley quickly turned back to you, you put your smile back on like a mask. Tony realized that you weren’t over Peter, and after all this time, you might never be.

After showing Harley around the compound with dad, the two of you drove into the city for dinner. You had a few tricks up your sleeve. You knew where you could go to ensure that the paparazzi saw you, with someone that wasn’t Thomas. Maybe the opportunity you needed to naturally distance yourself from him without causing suspicion was to bring someone else into the mix.

And the papers the next day proved your plan could work. “Trouble in Paradise? Stark Spotted Uptown with Strapping New Beau”. Your plan was coming along splendidly, but you knew there were more factors coming into play now. Since you were working with the FBI, they’d told you to sit tight with Thomas until they could find a safe out for you, and that’s exactly what you had provided them with. Once you received confirmation from them that this was a good opportunity to act and distance yourself, you set up another one of your planned outings with Thomas.

You’d gotten what you wanted out of him, he’s no longer of use to you. You knew he had been ‘cheating’ on you anyway. You had the pictures to prove it, him in a club with another girl, and in a dark restaurant, and outside his house. You were just waiting for the right time to use them. After Harley had to go back to MIT for classes, you’d set up a lunch with Thomas. Although he didn’t know that the paparazzi had already been tipped off to your location and anonymously sent the pictures.

You’d reserved a table outside to give them the perfect opportunity to overhear what was about to go down. You began by asking Thomas about the other girl, and he only laughed.

“I can’t do this anymore.” You spoke loudly so the undercover paparazzi two tables over could hear you and quote you, running your fingers through your hair and dipping your head to look as if maybe you were crying, knowing they’d snap a shot.

“It’s over Thomas.” You stood, slapping some cash on the table and walking off.

“Wait-” he tried to grab your arm, no doubt resulting in another great shot for the tabloids. While he knew the relationship was fake, he knew that you leaving would interfere with his father’s plan, you were a crucial factor.

“This was a mistake.” You shook your head, and pulled your arm from his hand.

As you exited the restaurant, Thomas was furious, his father was going to kill him, the election was in three days. A tank in the polls this close could ruin everything!

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

“You had one job! One stupid girl! And you couldn’t even do that!” The mayor yelled at his son. Slapping the newspapers onto the table before him. Various headlines exposing his escapades and tell-alls by the young models he’d been courting. He and Stark were finished, and it had ruined everything his father had been planning. The one on top mocked how the mayor had lost reelection by only a thousand votes.

“I’m sorry!” Thomas tried to defend himself.

“You’re useless, you’re never going to make it in this business. Do you know what they’ll do to us now that I’m no longer mayor?” His father scolded him. He worried that without his government connection the other mafia Families would no longer find him useful, and they’d push them out.

“I do know something...” Thomas spoke quietly, unsure if he should share. This caused his father to stop for a moment and raise a brow, but his phone rang, shifting his attention.

“What?” He answered the phone, rudely.

“Deals off.” Thomas recognized the voice of Toomes on the other side.

“What?” His father asked once more, this time his tone was pure anger.

“You can’t even hold the mayor’s seat, you’re not holding up your side of the bargain. We needed you as a segway to the other Families, and to protect what we’re doing here from the law. You don’t have that power now, you’re no longer of use to us. Deals off.” Toomes ended the call, your father threw the phone down with a crack as it shattered. His eyes traveled back to his son, hoping he had something good, a saving grace.

“Go on.” His tone changed.

“I- I think there might have been some truth to those Spider-Man rumors. I wasn’t over that night. And after they came out she was very quick to rekindle for appearances sake.” Thomas explained his theory.

“That could work... that could be our bargaining chip to Toomes. We give him Stark, he cuts us back in. He just lost the support of the Families, he’ll be desperate. The fucking Spider has already fucked with his business once. Stark was already a liability with his plans, and if Spider-Man catches wind of what they’re planning he’ll try to stop it,” He smiled sinisterly, rubbing his hands together in thought.

“Two birds one stone.” The mayor smiled, dark thoughts swirling through his mind.

“What are you going to do to her?” Thomas asked hesitantly, yes he was mad at you, but that didn’t mean he wanted you to get hurt.

“What has to be done.” His father smirked, and Thomas didn’t like what that could mean.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

Taglist in the reblog. Please please comment and let me know what you liked, what you want to see more of, and what you think is going to happen next!

Don’t worry, more Peter coming soon! Sorry, gotta build the storyline lol

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radmoral · 5 years

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the gazette in brazil live report (sort of)

i´m terrible at writing live reports because i never have anything to say other than how amazing it was and how much fun i had lmao but i´m gonna try

i had to move to brazil a month and a half ago for job related reasons (that´s why i disappeared for a while). at first i was really bummed because it meant that i wouldnt be able to see the gazette in europe with my friends anymore but i ended up seeing them in são paulo, meeting new people and having a lot of fun.

first of all, brazilian fans were all super nice to me the entire time. everyone was really surprised at a portuguese gazette fan djsakdjas (we exist! not a lot of us but we´re out there). i loved everyone i met in queue, thanks for helping making this such a nice experience.

actually, while we were waiting, some staff members were filming and interviewing the fans in the queue for the dvd and the brazilian girls next to me started yelling “there´s a portuguese girl over here! talk to her!” and i was like “....oh no..........” and then they actually came to talk to me..... i almost died honestly. i´m still cringing right now lmao and it was almost a week ago. anyway, i literally blanked out and couldnt think of anything interesting to say. i think i just said i´ve been a fan for 13 years, this would be my fifth time seeing them live (they asked where i´d seen the gazette before) and then they asked me to show them the portuguese flag askjdaskdsa. i hope to god they end up cutting it but if not.... y’all know who i am i guess.

about the live itself: i was kinda far from the stage but i was still able to see them clearly. they were wearing their phase 1 outfits. ruki looked really cute with the bangs i wish he´d keep that style. i must confess i didnt like uruha´s hair before but now i think he looks really good dksakdsa

i saw ninth live before in japan but i dont think i´ll ever get tired of it. it´s such a fun live album. the fans never once stopped moving since the beginning of the live until the end.

a great thing about brazilian fans is that they sing all the lyrics. one of the hardest things about lives in japan for me is that i cant really sing along kadjskd (well, i can but i have to be very quiet) but thankfully in brazil it´s perfectly fine.

ruki was so happy hearing everyone singing all the lyrics to filth in the beauty! he was smiling the entire time, it was so cute. also the chorus during vortex with everyone yelling “i dont want to become fucking garbage like you!” was incredible. so cathartic lmao

the mortal is amazing live. it´s definitely my favourite song from ninth and the one i wanted to hear again the most (well that and ninth odd [redacted]). i´m so happy they played it.

i unfortunately missed the dogma tour so i had never heard dogma live before but they played it in brazil! i was so damn happy i love that song so much. they also played bizarre and ugly from the dogma era (probably something else but i cant remember right now)

i was really surprised when they played shiver. i was not expecting it at all. i´m not a huge fan of the song but it was still nice to hear it live. i was also really surprised at how popular shiver is in brazil? (i guess that´s why they played it) everyone went CRAZY when they played it i was like ??? what is happening? lmao it´s a really popular song over here.

ruki spoke a lot of portuguese it was really cute. i dont really remember much from that he said. i remember he said “somos gazette de tokyo” (we´re the gazette from tokyo) and stuff like “tudo bem?” (how are you). kai also spoke portuguese and honestly i was really impressed. his portuguese is really good! he talked a little bit when they came back for the encore and said “preparados?” (are you ready) and “amo vocês” (i love you guys).

anyway i had a lot of fun and so did everyone in that room, band included. they seemed to be really happy! i´m glad they´re enjoying the world tour

fellow europeans, it´s up to you now! enjoy the european leg of the tour for me!

also, next time i´ll stop being so damn cheap and i´ll get the vip tickets dkasjdka they seem so nice from all the stories people tell about the meet and greets, i wanna go next time

#the gazette #ruki #reita #aoi #kai #uruha #long post #if there´s anything specific you wanna know feel free to ask #this is the best i could do guys ksjaksa #my neck still hasnt recovered

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swiftfanmatt · 5 years

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Taylor Swift - Home (A fan’s educated guess at the upcoming 7th album of Taylor Alison Swift)

1. Awesome 2. Butterflies 3. Christmas 4. Daylight 5. Everything 6. French 7. Growing up 8. Home 9. I am Calm 10. Joe 11. Kaleidoscope 12. Lover 13. ME!

So, I’ve been a Swiftie for 13 years now and I know a lot of people say things like ‘her music saved my life’ but her music literally did save my life. Anyway, just thought I’d do some investigative journalism and you know, decode all the different Easter eggs we’ve got lately and I present to you, Taylor Swift’s 7th album; “Home”. If she has included “SPELLING IS FUN” because her album is literally going to be tracks spelled alphabetically from A-M, I can’t even. M is the 13th letter in the alphabet (need I say more). So, I was just playing around with some other titles, and it all fell into place and the more I think about it, the more this seems to fit TS7 (or just proved that maybe I am crazy, who knows?). Hope you enjoy!

1/A. ‘Awesome’ comes from a few places, obviously the lyrics in ME! and she also posted on Instagram with “this is AWESOME” about Shawn Mendes’ comments in her TIME article. Or, is it time for a song titled Abigail? Is this Abi’s time to shine? Do American’s even shorten the name Abigail to Abi like we do in Australia? I digress. Imagine if this song is called “Ariel” and Taylor’s like “guys, I literally dressed as Ariel to my NY party and y’all didn’t think?”. Oh to be part of your world, Tay Tay.

2/B. ‘Butterflies’ (or just ‘Butterfly’) is a more obvious choice I think, with Taylor posting several Instagram pictures with just the Butterfly emoji. Also, in ME! the snake literally turns into butterflies. Either this or maybe she’s written a song about Benjamin Button. For bonus points, track 2 on “Speak Now” is ‘Sparks Fly’, keeping with the ‘fly’ theme - Shantay you stay.

3/C. I was thinking this one could be a few options but I just felt like ‘Christmas’ fits here. It would be an evolution of ‘New Year’s Day’ and could pay tribute to her growing up on a Christmas farm. Also, the Christmas tree in ME! was said to be a huge hint and Easter egg, so I am thinking this is on brand. I mean, otherwise the track may just be called “CATS” because, Taylor. Also, can I just alert your attention to again “Speak Now” track 3 “back to December”, what’s in December, Oh CHRISTMAS.

4/D. This one was a little trickier. ‘Daylight’ came to me because of her post “step into the daylight & let it go”. It’s a push I know, but I’m open to suggestions. It could also be the track that she features the Dixie Chicks, and maybe it’s called something else like ‘Denver’ and could be quite an emotional song to do with her trial in Denver re sexual assault, and again, this is definitely up the Dixie Chicks ally to be making a statement through music. Also, bit of a push, but in “1989” ‘Out of the Woods’ was track 4 and it definitely goes with that theme, only this time she isn’t in the woods, she’s stepping out into the daylight. (IKR I AM SMRT).

5/E. I would love to say that the E stands for ‘Engaged’ here and that this is her way of telling us all that she is actually Engaged, but I went with something lighter like “Everything” and maybe this song is about her fans meaning everything to her. Again, a trickier letter to find any other hints towards, unless it’s literally as easy as “Easter Eggs” and it’s literally a song about her love of leaving hints in her music and film clips for all us Swifties. Track 5 is always a goody (I’m looking at you ‘All Too Well’), ‘Delicate’ being the first track 5 to be released as a single, so I’m thinking this one will be truly personal, TS7 I’m coming for you.

6/F. This one has to be ‘French’ right? Something is going on with her speaking French in ME! and this one’s gotta have a good story for us? Or like French … something. French kiss? Cute right? If Tan from Queer Eye was writing a song, it would obviously be called “French Tuck”. Tell me I’m wrong, I’ll wait. Track 6 is always fun and it’s sisters include ‘Shake it Off’, ‘You Belong With Me’, ‘22’, so get ready to have this song in your head all day.

7/G. I mean, come on. How cute would this be if it’s called “Growing Up”. Paying homage to ‘Never Grow Up’ (“Speak Now” days) would be so sweet, and her singing about her journey and growing up in the spotlight, very on brand. Also - she is 30 this year so again, this could definitely be a possibility. Back in “1989” boy did I have “I Wish You Would” on repeat, so this one could be a dark horse.

8/H. I refuse to believe this track and album is called anything but ‘Home’. There’s no place like home (Wizard of Oz references in ME!), you can’t spell ‘home’ without ‘me’, so many other hints and pieces that point towards this also. It would just be such a sweet album and track title. Oh Taylor, when I listen to you, I’m home. Taylor hasn’t had a single and album title the same since “Red” (2012, track 2) (also worth noting; “Speak Now” - album title & track 4, “Fearless” - album title & track 1). If you really want to come for me, 4 (Speak Now) multiplied by 2 (Red) = 8 (Home). AMIRIGHT?

9/I. “I AM CALM”, I scream at my boyfriend when he tells me I need to calm down as I realise I have cracked the DaVinci code that is Taylor Swift’s new album. I really think I’ve got this one down pact. She loves the capital letter Easter eggs, so I am all for this one. I have big expectations for this one, to be in the same league of track 9’s as ‘Getaway Car’ and ‘Wildest Dreams’. Taylor, I most certainly am not calm about this song.

10/J. Come on guys, if she names this song after ‘Joe’ I will probably grab a bottle of red, force my 2 cats to sit on my lap with a blanket and cry happy tears for weeks, all the while asking my boyfriend why he hasn’t written a song about me. Can you believe? I am here. For. It. Oh also, just so you know, “King of my Heart” was track 10 on ‘reputation’ and JOE IS LITERALLY TE KING OF HER HEART AND I AM NOT READY FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL SONG.

11/K. This one has to be ‘Kaleidoscope’ or Kaleidoscope Heart, idk. So many Easter eggs that could be linked to this song and I really think I’ve nailed this one. Track 11 has some big shoes to fill since I haven’t stopped playing “Forever & Always” or “Our Song” for many years. I mean, either that or the song is called ‘Karyn’ and we get a song ripping the Kardashians, but like that’s so Rep era Tay Tay, but a gal can dream.

12/L. This one’s gotta be ‘Lover’, and you can fight me on it. This one y’all guessed as soon as it appeared in the ME! film clip, I’ve seen some screenshots of Apple music or something with the track title ‘Lover’, it goes with everything the new TS7 era is about, and it just makes me happy knowing a song is called ‘Lover’.

13/M. ME! Well, we all know ME!’s gotta be there somewhere. And I mean, come on, ‘This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things’ was the most fun on reputation, and Tay has said ME! is just a fun song and not taking anything too seriously, I can’t even say it with a straight face. (You’re welcome)

As I write this, I can’t help but wonder, is this the 5 holes in the fence situation all over? Have I completely gone Tay-Cray? Where do the palm trees come into play? Will the meet-and-greets be held in the “Home Room” during the tour? Will it be the “Home Dome”? Maybe. Most likely not. All I know is, I can’t wait to see what happens and listen to new music from Taylor Swift.

#taylorswift #ts7 #taylor swift #taylornation #fan #home #me!

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v-le · 6 years

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Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지만. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.

#korean music #roy kim #rochestra #sam kim #sun and moon #fromm #midnight candy #day6 #infinite #woohyun #eddy kim #am i missing anyone #prolly am #sigh i still cant #im so so so blessed #thank you for everything #ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

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laurenlistens · 3 years

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Solar Power

Oh Lorde. From the moment my 13 year old self played Sober at 4:00 AM on an emotionally charged and vulnerable 2017 summer night, I just knew I had found the one. Lorde is one of those “no-skip” artists. I genuinely can’t think of any of her songs that I can’t bump to, even just a little bit. Of course there are the weaker links, Biting Down and Million Dollar bills, which is a shame because some of the other songs that came along with the Pure Heroine Extended album are masterpieces (i.e. The Love Club). Those are reviews for other days however, because I am here to talk about the loooooong anticipated third studio album: SOLAR POWER! This review is a part one, because the album literally came out 14 hours ago and I feel as though my opinions are subject to change. These are just my first impressions after all. Expect a part two in a couple of months, because her music can be interpreted in so, so, SO many different ways, especially depending on what your current mental state is. Now... Onto the album!

I feel as though Lorde is in her “Magical Mystery Tour” era. The album has countless references to psychedelics as well as simply being high in nature, and I am eating that up. When I listened to the whole thing for the first time I really couldn’t help but make parallels to the Beatles because of all of the sound experimentation and added noises, as well as drawn out endings to many of the songs. I genuinely don’t know if the Beatles serve as an inspiration to her or Jack Antonoff, however I can’t help but think that they had significant influence on the album. Perhaps my lens on experimental sound in pop music isn’t large enough and I could be written off as ignorant for saying “lol it sounds like the Beatles” but it DOES! I really love the use of harmonies in the album. I’m obsessed with harmonizing to anything that I listen to, and the fact that she just has these beautiful chords created with her voice built into all of the songs is absolutely amazing. The lack of harmonies was one of the things that very mildly upset me about Melodrama, up until she released the live recordings of select songs at Electric Lady. I can’t wait to see what she comes up with for her live shows in terms of backup singers, because I just know that will be amazing. The overall sound of the album was different from what she’s put out before, but I support it! Melodrama was super different from Pure Heroine, and I think that while Solar Power and Melodrama have similarities, Solar Power stands out as it’s own original entity. While some of the tracks were juuuust a little Taylor Swift-y, the album was raw and different from what we’ve heard from Lorde in the past. Solar Power exceeded my expectations (which I knew it probably would have, I worship the ground Lorde walks on) but I have to admit, I was a little afraid due to the title track...

Solar Power, the title track and the first single released, was not my fave. Far from it, actually. When I first heard it I was so overjoyed by the feeling of Lorde dropping new music that I looked past the fact that I just didn’t really like the song that much. While the music video was camp and it set a good vibe for the summer, I felt as though the song just wasn’t Lorde. I don’t know who it was, but it wasn’t Miss Ella behind those lyrics. It just seemed a little too happy and cute for her down to Earth and raw emotional style. I was let down by that, and I think a lot of other fans were too. Don’t get me wrong, the song definitely still had it’s moments. I love it when Lorde speaks in her songs, it’s sexy as hell and also adds a whole new personal layer. Solar Power was definitely catchy, but if it wasn't Lorde behind the rather kitschy tune then I would not have listened to it.

Stoned at the Nail Salon was good. A solid song. I really don’t have much to say about it other than that. I think it’s one of the weaker tracks on the album and I completely forgot about it after it’s initial release a little bit ago, but I think the lyrics are lovely and real and I liked it!

I LOVED Mood Ring. I loved it. The first time I listened to it I was very eh, but then I reallyyy listened to the lyrics and the tune just blossomed into a beautiful butterfly! As a crystal-charger and stargazer who turns to superstitions to balance my emotions myself, I think Mood Ring is insanely relatable and just the song I need for when I want to connect to my sad girl side! I love the chorus when she says she can't feel anything and implies that she consults the metaphysical to figure out her thoughts and feelings. I felt that too much.

Ahhh The Path!! I really liked how Lorde opened up about her experiences being a very young artist in Hollywood, and this song is a beautiful and emotional representation of that. This track was the perfect opening to the album, it is just so Lorde. I’m such a sucker for sad lyrics with happy music, and this song is so, well, that! I love how the song picks up with the drums, my first time listening to that yesterday was borderline orgasmic, just full body chills. Fantastic beautiful song.

I like California but I think I need to listen to it more. It was a little forgettable, but it’s a pretty tune and I want to have more experiences with this song. The lyrics just don’t really hit it for me! It reminds me of Lana Del Rey but from Lorde’s perspective, if that makes sense. I also don’t love the chorus but honestly that could be subject to change if I keep obsessively listening to the album, which I will be doing.

Fallen Fruit is beautiful. The use of harmonies and guitar solo really make this track special. I explained earlier that I was a sucker for harmonies, and this song takes it to a new level. It sounds a lot like Leader of the New Regime (and oh MAN will I get to that song) and I like that a lot actually! Also, the second verse changes everything up in a way that doesn’t stray away from the initial vibe of the song, and I love it. Fallen Fruit is a fantastic song, it’s imaginative and different from what kind of music is put out today.

Secrets from a Girl (Who’s Seen it All) is adorable. I really like it, it reminds me a lot of Pure Heroine, even though it doesn’t really sound like a Pure Heroine song! I love her coming of age music, and while this song is a little bit Taylor Swift-y, I really do like it. The lyrics are relatable to any girl out there, and it’s a great feel good song. I also think it sounds like Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield, and that is one of my all time faves. The “wshhhhh” that she does gives me goosebumps. The ending is my favorite part. Oh my goodness, the airline voice, and music in the background is so sexy and so fresh. Lorde doesn't miss y’all!

I am not sad enough to talk abut The Man with the Axe. I feel like I literally can’t have an opinion on it yet because I haven’t figured it out yet. It’s a great sad song though. Like I know I’ll be crying to this in bath in a few months time.

Dominoes is short, sweet, and a great song. The chorus gets me good, and the lyrics are hella cute and also kind of sad! I love this song, it’s amazing and so versatile, like you could apply this to so so much in your life. I’m moving to college in a few days and I know Dominoes will be such a staple.

Oh my god Big Star!! When I listened to this for the first time I was like, holy shit. This is a Beatles-esque song to me for some reason! That’s not the only reason I like it, it’s beautiful and real and the guitar is lovely. I really wish the English language had more words for beauty and love, because then this review might be a little more interesting. This song represents the emotions that Lorde invokes within in me, and I think that is a very pretty thing.

THE LEADER OF A NEW REGIME!!! Honestly my favorite track on the album. The harmonies, the lyrics??? Way, way, way too good. What can I say, I love her shorter songs so much! It just gets the message and vibes across without being drawn out. This song is everything I needed it to be, and I am absolutely in love with it. It’s hard to put my feelings about this song into words, it’s one of those tracks that makes you smile and gives you a feeling in your body that makes it want to contort to the beauty of the song. I don’t know. I really love this one.

Now last, but certainly not least: Oceanic Feeling! Hard Feelings/Loveless has a very very special place in my heart for being a longer song that tells a bit of a story, and I think that Oceanic Feeling gives off very similar energy. It’s a very beautiful and calming track, something that is perfect for just zoning out and taking in the music. It’s a very sunny and beachy song, and it makes me angry that she didn’t release Solar Power at the beginning of summer but alas! At least it’s here now. This is a hardcore summer song though, and I don’t know how enjoyable it would be if I wasn’t in a warm watery climate. I don’t know if it would make Ohio winters more bearable or increase my yearning for the summer, but honestly I’m fine with any of those feelings. The last minute of the song wraps the album up perfectly. It’s a perfect last track. It leaves the listener guessing, and I think Perfect Places did that with Melodrama too!

If you made it to the very end of this review, wow! This was my first ever music review and I hope I was able to share at least some of my love of Lorde and song interpretations with you. Solar Power is a radiant and glittering ball of angst, love, and yearning, and I absolutely love it. It honors the power of the sun and the Earth while not being weird or preachy about nature, and it embodies her growth as an artist and a person perfectly. The emotion and rawness is there, as I hoped it would be. Yay for an actually sad album! Anyways, I’ll be back soon to talk about another artist I’ve been crazy about lately, and I hope to see you back again soon.

Much Love,

Lauren :)

#lorde #solar power #music #review #solar power review #music review #album review #pure heroine #melodrama #ella yelich o'connor

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spice-in-the-backstreet · 6 years

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youtube

MY THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING (& REWATCHING) THE RETURN OF THE SPICE GIRLS: REUNION TOUR 2007-2008 (updated 3-31-18 HAHAHA)

i’m just blabbering here lol but if you want, read this and see if our thoughts match or something XD

(3-29-18)

i finally found the time to watch the full concert (though it’s a fan edit, from different videos). it sucks that the DVD of this tour never materialized, but at least we got this than nothing!

i’m currently at the part where Vic, Mel B and Emma do their solo thing. damn it, i want Vicky to sing too, why’d she just do catwalk??? ugh! meanwhile, my gayness for Mel B is developing lmao i wished she sang one of her solo songs, but i love her song choice. god, i’m imagining the Boys watching the Girls, and Mel B just picks AJ during the song and oh god, i can basically see AJ getting embarrassed at first then getting turned on by Mel as she’s dancing ugh. anyway, Emma sang Maybe, which makes me frustrated that only A Girl Like Me is on Spotify and Deezer. nevertheless, she sings the song perfectly, it’s one of my solo Spice faves.

(3-30-18)

when i first saw the video where the performances from Vic, Mel B and Emma transitioned to Viva Forever (there were five guys who did a full Latin dance routine), moments from the Boys' Vegas performance of Undone continuously flashed in my mind while i was watching. i'm like, holy cow, Viva Forever and Undone could be adjacent to the setlist if ever they get to tour together holy shit (i'll be making a separate post for that, my Backstreet Spice concert setlist hahaha). remember the first part of Undone where the Boys get to dance with female dancers? it's basically the same in Viva Forever!! i also noticed similarities in the remixing of both songs. i'm fangirling now to the point that i'll be making gifs of both performances ahhhhhhh! wow, Victoria's voice is being highlighted in the chorus! i think they did that on purpose, every Girl has her own voice being highlighted in certain songs. shit, the part where Geri was being brought down the stage to signify her departure from the group breaks my heart. every single time. what if the Boys did the same thing? like, what if they included songs from the Unbreakable and This is Us era, and Kevin will disappear momentarily for the others to perform songs while he was out of the group. or what if the Girls did remixes of Holler and Let Love so Geri can have solo parts in them? hahaha

aaaand here we go, Holler!! but ugh the audio was cut off from the vid (copyright issues, i assume). anyway, oh god i can't, i can't even, this song turns me on (every once in a while haha but most of the time, the hoe in me can't help but dance to this song). and oh shit, the part where they get to walk some of the male dancers like dogs, oh no, i see Brian, Howie, Nick and AJ in a dog leash with Mel C, Victoria, Emma and Mel B holding them oh no. but damn i wish they did the original choreo for this, with the thigh slaps and all.

(3-31-18)

[whoops, guess who just downloaded two Spice Girls documentaries on her laptop HAHAHA]

personally, i don’t like the fact that Geri sang along with a backing vocal, unlike the other Girls. (but kudos to Ginger for improving her singing, i mean, watch her recent singing videos, her voice has changed a lot since then.) Mel C killed her solo though. i love the way she performs, the way she works the stage, running from one end to another.

i got a bit mad at Let Love though, why’d they cut off Mel B’s part and didn’t let her sing her ad libs on the song????!!! but i love the part where Geri was brought up again on the stage and the five of them walked together, holding hands, i was really emotional.

and i got more emotional when they sang Mama. too bad the video didn’t include the ones where they brought up their children onstage, but i had a lot of feelings.

then they sang a medley of Celebrate Good Times, Shake Your Body, That´s The Way and We Are Family. loving the cute moments among the Girls, those little, wacky interactions. my personal faves are the Melanies’ moments and the Mel B & Geri ones! <3 <3

then they sang Goodbye, with Geri. i was laughing so hard at that one video where Geri attempted Mel C’s part (the “so glad we made it, time will never change it” line), where Geri turned to Victoria with a ‘what the fuck i was supposed to sing that’ face, which made me wonder, when they rehearsed the whole thing, was Geri supposed to sing that? i don’t know, maybe?

when If U Can’t Dance came on, i kept on waiting for Geri’s rap, which they never included ugh!

then they talked for a bit, with all the thank yous and the dedications. i adored the one where Mel C did a backflip, it was their last show on Toronto, on my birthday! laughed so loud at the part where Mel B said, ‘can i kiss you all with tongues now?’ and Mel C replied, ‘not again?’ which means they’ve kissed each other on the lips (my gay ass is so happy for this).

then finally they sang Wannabe and a reprise performance of Spice Up Your Life. they had different final outfits on a couple of shows, i’ve noticed. have y’all seen that one Wannabe performance where Mel B and Geri inserted curses on their verses? YOU SHOULD WATCH IT OMFG one fan commented that ‘oh, so i’ve been listening to the clean version all my life???’ IT’S SO HILARIOUS. like, they sang “yo i tell you what i want, what i motherfucking want, so tell me what you want, what you motherfucking want!” then ‘and as for me, fuck me, you’ll see!!’ LAUGHING MY ASS OFF, MAN, I LOVE MEL B AND GERI HAHAHA!

but i was torn when they finally said ‘hi see ya, good night!!!!!!’, like, man, can y’all do a world tour again and finally stop by the Philippines??? for the love of god, i’d spend all my money to buy a VIP ticket ahhhhhh

so there you go! might be rewatching this again at some point this semester LMAO

oh, i haven’t typed out my thoughts on the first few songs of the show! i’ll save them for later haha!

ugh, i want new music and another world tour. :((((

#spice girls #The return of the spice girls tour #video #thoughts #spice girls reunion

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emveepea · 4 years

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So my husband said I should watch this new anime that just started called the Warlords of Sigrdrifa, and all he told me about it was that it’s got a cool female pilot. For like the past several years, it’s been hard for me to watch shows. I have a lot of internal guilt about watching stuff instead of working, and if I force myself to watch something, it’s like my brain knows that I’m forcing myself to watch, so it’s hard to stay focused, but I was like, okay, I’ll give this a shot and Oh Boi, did this one catch my attention, but I don’t know yet how I feel about it.

So the first episode starts out showing these flying monsters that popped up from this thing called a pillar in Alaska in the year 2020 and American air force pilots are fighting them before launching a tomahawk missile at it. Then it cuts to the American aircrafts exploding but not the pillar or all of the monsters but there’s no image of a nuclear mushroom cloud, so there’s nothing indicating that a nuclear warhead was fired cause that’s not what a tomahawk missile even is, but in the next scene when world leaders have convened in America to explain this mysterious world-ending threat and some dude (who looks suspiously like trump) is saying “well the one nuclear warhead didn’t work so we’re doomed” so you can tell the American military didn’t have any input in this anime XD especially since we wouldn’t be like “well we fired one shot at it so the whole mission is a failure cause no one survived” like our whole military wouldn’t fire a whole nuclear arsenal at a threat, casualties be damned.

Oh so now there’s norse gods involved. Odin appeared before all these world leaders first in the form of a child but then showed his true ancient self and then was like “I guess I’ll help. I’ll send my daughters, the Valkyre, to help you fight this enemy”. So then we jump 5 years into the future where we see one battle at one of the pillar things and there’s a combined attack force of modern aircraft plus one valkyre in a WW2 era biplane and to let the Valkyre have a chance to destroy the pillar, the modern aircrafts take all the hits coming towards her so she can prepare her big Magic Missile attack. Her biplane GROWS WINGS then summons one giant Magic Missile Bullet that she shoots at the pillar, it destroys all the monsters and the pillar turns into a giant floating tree (a Yggdrasil I guess?), but we see she’s super depressed because no one else survived.

So next we see she’s reassigned because a valkyre (referred to as a Named) assigned to Japan is killed in action, and during her transport, a single monster shows up and starts attacking her transport ship, so she decides to go out and fight it, but surprise! Three new WW2 era planes show up with some more female pilots who are like “we got this newbie” but she goes out anyway to provide more help and ends up taking command because she’s an S-ranked pilot and outranks them. So through the magic of teamwork, they all defeat the monster and she learns she can fly with others without getting them killed because she’s super depressed about being the only survivor of all her mission up to this point but like she’s only been on missions as the only valkyre so maybe these new girls are just lower ranked valkyre? It’s unclear at this point.

My husband walked up at this point and I couldn’t help but say there are a lot of little girl characters in the show. He’s like “I’m only watching it for the cool planes.” He’s an aerospace engineer so I guess that’s true. I’m starting to realize that as I get older, on top of being tired of stuff set in high school, I’m tired of shows making what are supposed to be grown adults in super important roles look and act like teenage girls like this. I guess they’re doing it to help the main Valkyre character (so I guess her name is Claudia? I guess they’ve been referring to her call sign up to this point?) who is being portrayed as depressed and too stiff and formal, open up more.

So she gets to her new base, the Tateyama Base, and the main commander is like WELCOME WE’RE SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU HERE WE’RE GONNA THROW A PARTY IN CELEBRATION LATER while......putting on socks, you know, like a chill boss. And then ANOTHER young spunky girl/woman pilot character shows up and they have the “I’ve decided your my new best friend so I will give you a cute nickname” conversation while going on a tour of the base and running into some airplane techs who are like “who’s new European BABE” and now I’m :/ and then the lead tech shows up who’s an old grump who’s like “I don’t need to know the new girl’s name, I know she’s a good pilot because she’s got a good plane.” Wow, what a feminist icon.

Still no info on if these other girl pilots are valkyre, so I’m guessing not. Everyone’s referring to just Claudia as a valkyre. The show is the doing the obligatory introductions to let you know who the spunky girl is, the shy girl is, the tsundere girl is, etc. Oh wait, the tsundere just called herself the leader of the valkyre so maybe they are, and the tsundere is being a grump at being outranked now.

Everything points to this show absolutely being written by men.

So some more monsters show up to interrupt the base tour so all the girls fly out in their planes, but one of them complains that it feels funny. She’s confirmed when the monsters, which they’ve fought before and had a strategy to basically let them use up all their ammunition, can suddenly generate more ammunition, so they speculate a pillar has formed underwater that they can’t see. But instead of continuing to fight, they head back to the base and sit around trying to come up with a plan, while I’m like….the monsters are just not attacking right now? They just let you go? What is happening right now. I am confusion.

So they come up with a plan, and in true anime fashion don’t say what it is exactly, they just start heading out but Claudia mentions she’s kinda nervous to go back out because what if her nickname The Grim Reaper comes true and she loses everyone again? Well, tsundere girl won’t stand for that and thinks it would be a cool leader move for her to broadcast to the whole base HEY THE NEW GIRL IS CALLED THE GRIM REAPER WHAT Y’ALL GOT TO SAY ABOTU THAT. But the whole base is super chill and are like, “that’s dope”, especially the male techs who are like “who cares if she’s called the Grim Reaper, she’s a total BABE!”

So they go out to fight and the plan is to lure the big boss monster pillar thing out by firing a big attack at where the smaller monsters have all congregated like I guess they were there to just protect it? The pillar/boss monster thing is this big whale that they then try to fight separately, but the bubbly spunky girl, Miyoko, has used up her two main missiles drawing it out, so she has to head back to re-load while the others hold it off. Shy girl in the pink plane pulls off a special super speed aerial move that gets the monsters to attack the big boss monster and makes it vulnerable. Spunky girl is back and reloaded, so now they line up and fire off all their attacks one after another. Spunky girl is last with her big two missile attack that leaves it’s magical center heart thing open. And they’re all screaming at her to pull back so they can regroup but she’s like “this is the only chance we have!” So she gets her katana that she prayed to before getting in her plane earlier and JUMPS OUT OF HER MOVING PLANE to cut the center magical heart thing.

It blows up and the next thing we see is Claudia’s the only one still flying and she’s trying to radio communicate to see if anyone else survived and we get the fifty billionth montage of her being called the Grim Reaper but then the clouds clear and a giant floating tree is where the big boss monster just exploded and all her new friends and their planes have all conveniently landed on the tree. Hurray they all survived! So they head home and proclaim that the Tateyama base is one big happy family!

#long post sorry #rambling anime thoughts

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sinceileftyoublog · 4 years

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Between the Buried and Me Interview: We’re Still Here

Photo by Juan Pardo

BY JORDAN MAINZER

With the live music industry at a calm pause before the eventual post-peak COVID storm of a shift, bands have been finding other ways to stay creative and busy. In March, progressive metal band Between the Buried and Me was forced to indefinitely postpone their tour celebrating the band’s 20 years of existence but in the meantime have carried on with alternate means of reflecting on the past. Like the band has done for other past records, last month, BTBAM reissued their 2003 sophomore record The Silent Circus with a new mix and master job from longtime producer Jamie King. (Peviously, the album was the only one on which the band did not work with King.) Next month, they’ll be giving the treatment to Alaska, their third record originally released in 2005. And according to guitarist Paul Waggoner, there’s another one coming out. “Timing wise, it was fortunate we had [the reissues] in the pipeline,” he told me over the phone last month. “People have been pretty stoked about it.”

The band maintains an ardent fan base with moves like this because they don’t even give skeptics the opportunity to perceive the releases (incorrectly) as cynical cash grabs masquerading as vinyl repressing. The remastered and remixed audio makes the band and listeners feel like they’ve got a whole new album. ‘We were a part of that process,” Waggoner said about remastering, “the back and forth that happens between the band, and in this case, Jamie King...In a way, that’s kept us active and made us feel like we were doing something.” And while the band does have plans to write and record a new record before year’s end, the process of releasing these reissues is something they can do more easily than be together in the same room, considering Waggoner lives in Charlotte, drummer Blake Richardson in Winston-Salem, bassist Dan Briggs in Greensboro, guitarist Dustie Waring in Nashville, and lead vocalist Tommy Giles Rogers in Orange County. It’s also something the band can participate in without taking too much time away from their other ventures, from music to Waggoner’s coffee roasting and cafe business.

Overall, BTBAM wish to remain engaged. “We want to make sure people know we’re still here,” Waggoner said. “I definitely want to thank people for supporting us and finding ways in general to support musicians and artists during this time when the entire entertainment industry is basically shut down. I think it’s really cool that people are, with intention, going out and supporting their favorite artists. We appreciate that, it doesn’t go unnoticed, and it makes us feel really good.”

Read the rest of my conversation with Waggoner, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: The SIlent Circus is the only BTBAM record that didn’t have Jamie King do the mixing. Because he did this time around, is this product the biggest difference between the original and the reissue?

Paul Waggoner: I would say yes, generally speaking. I think with all of them, we were trying to keep the personality of the original product but polish it up a little bit. Like you said, because he wasn’t involved in that record, I think he had more ability to manipulate it to his liking. I would say this, to me, anyway, has the most difference from the original to the remaster.

SILY: Thinking about where you were at the time--at this point, King’s very associated with the band because he’s done all your records but that one--but where were your thoughts as a band then? That you would want to work with someone different every time?

PW: Gosh, it was so long ago. I think at the time, that was our first record with Victory Records. They eventually bought the rights to the self-titled as well, but that was the first album we recorded when we signed to Victory. We were young, we thought, “We have a slightly bigger budget, we’ll go to a real studio and do it as professionally as possible.” I don’t really think we understood at the time the most important thing about recording is who is recording and engineering it. That relationship you have with the human being is more important than the facility you record in. We just thought, “We’ll try something different, this is what we’re supposed to do, we’re on a legit record label, let’s go to a legit studio.” That was our mindset at the time. Our mindset has changed a lot since then, but that’s just where we were mentally. We were young and wanted to try something new and see if it yielded a better result.

SILY: How do you look back at it? If you had to do it all over, would you have just gone with Jamie?

PW: Probably, but that being said, I don’t think we made a mistake. That was just part of our process of growing as a band, seeing what we like and don’t like. We had a good experience doing that record. At the time, we were happy with the result. Since then, we’ve really grown to develop such a great rapport with Jamie that it’s hard to imagine recording with anyone else. If we had to go back in time knowing what was eventually gonna happen, which was that we were gonna settle on working with Jamie all the time, we probably would have worked with Jamie as well, but again, I don’t think it’s out of a place of regret or anything like that. We did what we thought was right at the time. We were happy with it, and we had a good experience...in Massachusetts, and Matt Ellard, who is an awesome dude who did a great job and definitely has his own style. We were happy with it, but it just so happens over the years we grew to love working with Jamie. Jamie and us kind of grew together, so that’s been a really cool experience.

SILY: On Alaska, in 2005, you worked with both of them.

PW: Kind of a similar sort of thing. That time, it was like, “Let’s record [with] Jamie and then get a fresh set of ears for the mix.” Again, there was nothing inherently bad about that experience or anything. I’m sure if we had to do it all over again, we would have done it all with Jamie. But again, just part of kind of learning what you like, what you don’t like. This kind of sounds weird, but there’s a convenience factor, too. Jamie’s in our backyard here in North Carolina. We don’t have to leave home to go record. The idea of going somewhere else, traveling to another state, doesn’t sound very attractive to us anymore. Part of growing professionally and figuring out what works, doesn’t work, what’s affordable, not affordable, what makes sense logistically, stuff like that. Everything becomes a variable and a factor you have to consider.

SILY: What else is different on the reissue of The Silent Circus versus the original?

PW: Jamie did a good job of maintaining the overall vibe of the album. It still sounds like us and still sounds like us in that era, which was very important. I didn’t want it to sound like a totally different album or like we sound now. We wanted it to sound like 2003 BTBAM, which it does. He polished it up a little bit; as a guitar player, I fixate on that. But he brought more clarity and punch to the guitars. He made the drums sound a little more natural. He made it a little easier to listen to. It’s less harsh on the ears. That’s the biggest difference, but it still sounds like we sounded back then, which is good. We didn’t want to flip the whole thing on its head, just touch it up a little bit.

SILY: Is there a specific song you think sounds especially good?

PW: Oh, man. That’s a fun question. Hmm...They all sound way better to me, but “Lost Perfection A) Coulrophobia”, for example, sounds a lot better. The nature of those guitar riffs, some are very fast, and in the original recording I wished there was a little more clarity, that you could tell what was going on a little more. It sounds like chaos. This one, immediately, it sounds a little more polished and there’s a little more clarity between the instrumentation. It’s a little less muddy. That’s a good example of one where you can really tell that it’s been remixed and remastered.

SILY: What are some of the highlights of the new vinyl package?

PW: We’ve done so many of these, I can’t remember what’s in this package. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to remember what’s actually been released and hasn’t yet. I don’t know if anybody else has that problem, but I have a hard time separating the work, the actual job of mixing and remastering and listening to them over and over again to figure out what sounds and doesn’t sound good, from the actual release. I tend to lump everything all together. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. It’s hard for me to remember the bundles we do.

SILY: It’d be easier for you if you just did them chronologically.

PW: It would be. Especially now, during this crazy time, there’s nothing going on and everything going on all at the same time. That kind of throws me for a loop.

SILY: Doing it out of order also keeps it interesting and unpredictable.

PW: It does keep it interesting. I even have friends of mine who are fans of the band--for example, he was like, “Are you doing a Colors remaster?” I was like, “Yeah, it’s already out, isn’t it?” He was like, “No.” I’m like, “Whoops, I think I showed my hand there.” It’s a little tricky.

SILY: Even The Silent Circus got a new treatment a few years after it came out, so y’all are at the point where you’re re-releasing things that have already been re-released before.

PW: Exactly. It’s like a three-release. You’re doing it over and over. Which is cool--sometimes these bundles sell out in half an hour, and we’re blown away, like how does this album still have legs? It’s super humbling and flattering that people are interested in purchasing something they’ve already purchased multiple times. That whole thing is kind of mind-blowing in a way. It makes it hard to keep up with. Off the top of my head, I don’t know how many albums we’ve written and released much less [what’s] been re-released. I guess that’s a testament to the fact we’re old now. But it’s cool these albums still have legs and people are still interested to the point they’re willing to spend money, especially during this time, when they technically already own it.

SILY: Do you have any new music in the works?

PW: That’s kind of our focus now. We had to shift gears from doing the 20-year anniversary tour. The pandemic unfortunately kicked that to the curb. We were like, “We can either sit around and hope something changes or shift gears a little bit.” We’re in the process of writing new music now. We all write individually and share ideas with each other electronically. That’s the stage of the process we’re in, writing individually and sending each other ideas and feed off of that. Our hope is to record a new record by the end of the year. That’s the tentative plan right now.

SILY: In the same room together?

PW: Yeah, we’re gonna take that risk and do it. We want to get a new album written and recorded by the end of the year. That’s the goal, and obviously a lot can change. We have a lot of material and are stoked on what we have so far, so it’s a matter of fine-tuning it. I think we’re all pretty encouraged by what we’ve got so far.

SILY: Are you working on anything else yourself?

PW: No, I’m like the guy in the band who doesn’t really have any other musical projects. Anything I come up with creatively, I have a hard time not committing it to BTBAM. It’s where I put all my musical energy. The other guys, thought--Tommy just released an EP, which is really cool, Dan has a zillion projects at any given time, and he’s always releasing stuff and writing music. Dustie does a lot of session work, playing guitar on country records in Nashville. Blake is very active on Twitch these days, so he does a lot of streaming on Twitch. Those guys stay busy with other musical endeavors. For me, I write music for BTBAM and own a coffee business in Charlotte, so I focus on that quite a bit. That’s totally a different side of the brain than music.

SILY: Did the coffee shops stay open during the initial quarantine?

PW: Mostly. We ended up closing for three weeks when things started getting really bad--the first time they got really bad [laughs]. There was so much uncertainty, and we didn’t know how to protect our staff. Information is constantly evolving, but once it was determined we could wear masks and sanitize our hands frequently and offer masks and sanitizer to customers, we could safely reopen. We are reopened now, but we’re only doing takeout, even though in North Carolina, you can have dine-in, we’ve opted not to. Our focus is on keeping our staff and customers safe, and if we can hold serve until things normalize a little bit, that’s all we’re trying to do.

SILY: Are you a big coffee drinker?

PW: I probably drink way too much. Less than I used to, but I drink a lot of coffee.

SILY: Can you drink coffee late into the night?

PW: I can. I’ve developed a tolerance to caffeine. I can drink a cappuccino and go right to bed. It’s probably not good my body has become that accustomed to caffeine.

SILY: Is there anything notable you’ve been listening to, watching, or reading lately?

PW: I’m always listening to music. I’m all over the spectrum--I love everything. I love the new The Midnight album--they’re a modern synthwave band, super catchy. I think they’re really good. It’s catchy, but still dark and moody. I’ll probably lose some street cred for liking them. I also listen to a lot of downtempo, chill, R&B. A month or so ago a new Naglfar record came out, a super crazy black metal band I like. The record’s really good. I just binge-listened to a podcast called Wind of Change, which I highly recommend. It’s about the song “Wind of Change” by the Scorpions, which came about just ahead of the fall of the Berlin wall. There’s a theory that the CIA actually wrote that song, and there’s a podcast about it. It’s fucking awesome. I’m not a conspiracy theory guy at all, but it’s super interesting. It talks about that era of heavy metal and rock music, which brought back memories, and also the stuff about the CIA and propaganda following the Cold War. It tied in a lot of my own personal interests around music and secret spy type shit.

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benditlikebedford · 7 years

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Halsey && Matty

Okay, so this is going to be long so I’m going to put it under a read more BUT I just want to say that I don’t have sources for most of this because it’s from Halsey’s old tumblr that she deleted and other stuff (screenshots, pictures, etc.) I’ve had saved on my computer for agessss so I don’t remember where I originally got them. But also a lot of this stuff, like the lyric analysis, just came from my own brain and the fact that I’ve seen way too many interviews of the 1975.

SO first things first. Halsey and Matty were friends with benefits (NOT dating... just friends that hooked up a lot) for ?? a period of time. I’m not sure when it started or when it ended but I’m thinking it ended around 2014 based on when they stopped appearing in pictures together.

Halsey has written three songs that I am 100% certain are about Matty, and there’s two others that I think MIGHT be about him but I’m not certain.

Generally speaking, Halsey has said in interviews that Matty was a huge influence on her writing and even helped write some of her songs.

So the first song, and most damning one, is Colors.

“Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so. You said your mother only smiled on her TV show.”

This is obviously about Louis (Matty’s younger brother) who’s lowkey a shithead but I love him so much and Matty’s mum (aka my mum that I WORSHIP) Denise. Denise has had depression and she’s also on a soap so that’s where those lines come from.

“You’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope. I hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old.”

I’m sure you know by now that Matty loves weed. But this was also written long before ILIWYS era so we all know that during that last stretch of touring Matty was just very unhealthy and unhappy and tired. (And I’m so glad that’s no longer the case.) The second part is because he was 25/26ish at the time and loads of famous people die of suicide/drug overdose at/before age 28. Matty gave her a slight dig on twitter on his 28th birthday which I made a post about here lol.

((Less obvious, more of an assumption, but I think the “tearing through the pages and the ink” has to do with the fact that matty’s always on that damn typewriter and typewriters can be very wasteful since if you mess up you have to start completely over hence the tearing through the pages and ink.))

“Everything was grey, his hair, his smoke his dreams and now he’s so devoid of colour he don’t know what it means.”

After the beloved undercut/side shave from circa Girls MV, Matty’s hair actually grew back in grey so that’s that part. His smoke, oh gee, does Matty smoke? I don’t think he does? (lol) And also I’m pretty sure the so devoid of colour thing is about the fact that Halsey was with Matty around the time that everything they did was in black and white.

“You were a vision in the morning when the light came through. I know I’ve only felt religion when I’ve lied with you.”

Later in this post I’m going to talk about the poems that she wrote about Matty on her old tumblr and she LOVES to talk about waking up in the morning with him. Like. LOVES to talk about that. Also y’all should know Matty is always calling sex the closest thing to religion he’s ever felt. (Also? Grammar question, does anyone know the answer? Is it supposed to be lied or laid? I think it’s supposed to be laid.)

“You’ll never be forgiven until your boys are too.”

Matty is extremely reliant on the boys (George, Adam, Ross) he can’t really do anything without them sort of thing here.

Okay now let’s talk about Strange Love. My analysis for this one isn’t as intense as Colors don’t worry haha.

Basically this entire song is about media being fascinated with Matty and how he’s a literal sex god. The whole “Everybody wants to know if we fucked on the bathroom sink, how your hands felt in my hair, etc. etc.” is about people wanting to know about their relationship as he gets more famous.

The most interesting part about this song though is the “We wrote a story in the fog on the window that night, but the ending is the same every damn time.”

Matty, for whatever reason, has a fascination with writing in fog. You see in in both The Sound and in the Somebody Else music videos.

I couldn’t find a gif of the part where Matty writes the rectangle on the car window in Somebody Else but he does it there too.

Halsey also talks about his fog writing obsession in one of her poems aka THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER WRITTEN and we’ll talk about that later don’t worry it’s coming.

The part about “the ending is the same every damn time” is how Halsey wanted their hook ups to end with something more, with a real relationship, but they never did.

So the last one I want to go into detail about is EXTREMELY important and that’s Is There Somewhere.

YALL THE WHOLE ROOM 93 EP IS ABOUT MATTY OKAY

So in the Room 93 Commentary Halsey talks about how the whole album is about a couple (her and Matty) in a hotel room “sharing a moment”. She says that “Is there somewhere you can meet me” was the text message frequently exchanged between her and the person the song is about (Matty) and how basically they always ended up meeting in a hotel room. Some other interview (don’t remember which one sorry guys) she says basically the same thing about the texts BUT she adds a super damning detail about how the texts were exchanged when “this person” (Matty) and her were both on tour and if they ever overlapped they’d send that text.

As for the song itself, it’s just... so obviously about Matty. Some very telling details are “dancing in your tube socks” and the part about his crooked teeth.

NOW THIS PART IS VERY IMPORTANT LIKE !!! PAY ATTENTION

“And I try to refrain but you're stuck in my brain and all I do is cry and complain because second's not the same.“

So right now you’re probably like ?? Halsey was a sidechick ?? Matty was cheating on someone??

NO (okay at least that’s not MY OPINION. Some people think he was cheating on Gemma with Halsey but I don’t have enough proof for that, and considering how crushed Matty was when he broke up with Gemma I really don’t think he would’ve cheated on her. Also I don’t think the timeline adds up (again, based on my research) I think Halsey came after Gemma, sort of as a placeholder for the loneliness he felt. WHICH i’ll talk about later.)

I think Halsey is referring to the fact that she’s second to the 1975. This period of Matty’s life right after the self titled came out and they started working on ILIWYS was HUGE for the band. More likely than not, he was putting most of his time and energy into the band and he wanted to focus on that more than on having a serious relationship. Halsey obviously wanted a serious relationship.

OKAY SO THIS IS WHERE WE GET INTO THE TUMBLR STUFF NOW

Basically Halsey gave herself away big time because she posted this picture on her tumblr and captioned it “93″. Girl.

BUT IT ONLY GETS BETTER FROM HERE. Halsey wrote SO MUCH poetry about him. Way too much for me to put all in this post but like, just for reference here’s two:

This one talks about how much she loves waking up with him in the morning (told yall). and obviously those DAMN CURLS.

and yeah this is also about him lmao matty damn that boy

As for THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER WRITTEn okay get ready because its a lot its super long but

I lost one here I must’ve deleted it accidentally a long time ago but I don’t know where to find it again :(

EDIT;; HERE’S THE WHOLE THING

okay so

There’s a ton of religious metaphors, which is obviously such a Matty thing I mean, come on. She also mentions his black jeans, his staple back in the day, his socks are mentioned again, as is the whole window fog deal. She talks about drugs, sex, him being a fucking nerd with the way he talks AND the most interesting like “we fight about where the chord change should go” which is about him helping her write music, which she talked about on her tumblr as well (again, the tumblr is deleted and I don’t have a screenshot of that but I remember it) something like “Matty influenced so much of my writing”.

Okay, so the last thing we’re going to talk about now is something I haven’t ever seen anyone else mention but it’s just ?? so obvious to me ??

She’s American (in my educated opinion, this is all guessing) is about Halsey.

So, let’s start with one of the very first lines “Synthetic apparitions of not being lonely”

Y’all come on. This is about one-night stands. It’s something made up (synthetic) that only lasts for a short amount of time (apparition) and they make you feel less lonely, only for one night. Pretty sure this is about Halsey and their “is there somewhere” meetings. ALSO THIS IS WHY I don’t think Matty was dating Gemma at the time because he was LONELY whenever he was with Halsey. Also she said somewhere, I think in the same place where she mentioned Matty influencing her writing that they met up, while they were both on tour, to get rid of loneliness just for the night. (but the way she said it was so much more poetic than me lol)

EDIT;; this is what i was talking about with “simply a friend to fill a king sized bed”

The whole chorus is about how she doesn't see how there’s any issue with their relationship and is focusing on all the superficial aspects (them being socially relevant, his teeth). You can see this in real life as Halsey is at events constantly and the 1975 rarely are.

"She calls on the phone like the old days expecting the world.”

I’m 90% sure this is about Halsey hitting Matty with a “Is there somewhere you can meet me text.” within the last like two-three and he has to be like “We don’t do this anymore.”

Also, as far as I’M aware, Matty was never in a relationship (I.E. hooking up more than once) with someone that was American other than Halsey. Gemma was British and Taylor Swift DIDN’T HAPPEN GUYS.

Also New Americana was her most popular song at the time that ILIWYS was being written so.

THERE YOU GO GUYS. I think that’s everything I’ve got BUT if I think of anything else I’ll make some edits or post something about it. I want to know what you guys think, if you have any thoughts or opinions or anything you want to add so slide into those dm’s or that inbox anytime and I’d love to chat (about this or anything else tbh!)

xoxo valarie

#halsey #matty healy #the 1975 #hopeless fountain kingdom #ashley frangipane

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eyez-ff-blog · 7 years

Text

○○ eyez | fifty-five

“Fuck, this place is huge. This’d be easier without lugging around a child,” Beija huffed as she walked through the arena’s venue with the couple of personnel who were instructed to show her around.

“At least you still get to go places, sis. I miss you guys already,” Ib laughed softly as Beija glanced over the rows of chairs that the other attendants were setting up. “How has your day been, though?” He asked.

“Long,” Beija glanced over the stage set-up, and she nodded as she watched the technicians work on the LED screen that would hold some of the visual images Jermaine had put together. “Had my usual morning meditation, then we came down to check everything out. J’s got rehearsal within the next hour, then I have to meet up with the VIPs to help them towards sound check,” She listed off as they headed towards the ‘backstage’ area.

“I see you got it all locked down. But you know Perry is there in my place if you need anything done that you can’t handle yourself,” Ib mumbled, and Beija soon heard the soft cooing of one of his twins.

“Yep, I’ll keep that in mind. Although you could have gotten someone that’s not so newt looking,” Beija noticed one of the personnel snickering at her comment.

“You lose all tact when you get pregnant, you know that? Nicole too—what’s up with that?” Beija laughed at Ibrahim’s genuine confusion.

“Hush that up. But I’m gonna go so I can get this shit together. Kiss my nieces and Nic for me,” She requested.

“You know I will. Love you, B; tell J I said good luck tonight,” Ib concluded.

“Alright. See ya,” Beija hung up the phone before she slipped her phone into the pocket of her pants, glancing up as she continued to walk alongside the two members of personnel.

“Okay, here are our dressing rooms for the performers. Do you have a list of Mr. Cole’s request for his room?” One of them asked, and Beija passed over the packet of papers that included everything that Jermaine would need. “Good. We should have everything ready for him before 5:30 today.”

“Wonderful! I think I got it from here, then. Thanks so much,” Beija watched as they walked away, and she let out a soft sigh. “Here we go again,” She mumbled to herself.

It had been so long since Jermaine had did another tour—he opted out on touring during the ‘Eyez’ era, mainly because of wanting to be with Beija and Janiya since at the time, the girl was still so young. But now they were all on the road together for the Reborn Live Sessions. While daddy and mommy worked, Janiya got to spend her days as a tourist with Gina, who took care of her during the day. Beija was actually kind of excited about the new tour, mainly because she knew Niya would be able to experience her father perform for the first time.

At her age, Niya knew that her father liked to do music but probably had no real idea how far Jermaine’s influence ran; she probably wouldn’t know for real until she was much older. But Beija was just happy to be able to bring her child along for the tour and be able to ‘relive the glory days’ in a way. It was being on tour with Jermaine back during the ‘Forest Hills Drive’ era that made her fall in love with the man, although she wouldn’t admit it then. She had gained a best friend that summer and eventually he became the love of her life. Now she’d probably feel those feelings all over again, and her daughter and unborn son would be able to feel that magic too.

Since Selina and Sabrina were still so young, Ibrahim decided to stay home with Nicole this time around, and he left Beija ‘in charge’ of everything that went throughout the tour. She was given an assistant, Perry, but with the way Beija was she’d probably handle everything by herself. She had to make sure that everyone had their share of things together, from the band and various DJs to the light and tech crew, down to the artists themselves. This time around, Jermaine decided that aside from a hand-picked local artist that would be a part of the opening act, there wouldn’t be any other artists performing aside from Dreamville members. Just as Reborn was his most personal album, he wanted this tour to feel just as personal and wanted it to feel almost like a family reunion. It actually would be, in a way—Jermaine definitely wasn’t the only person who had been working hard in the last couple of years, and everyone had material that they wanted to share on the massive scale. Everyone felt like this was the label’s year to shine, and they were working hard to make that to be true.

“Hey boss lady,” Beija turned around before she squealed loudly, walking over to Abbas before throwing her arms around him in a huge hug. “It’s been a while,” He laughed as he rocked her from side to side.

“You damn right it has! And you are so getting fought, dude—you weren’t gonna tell me you and my best friend got together?” Beija smacked his chest, and he laughed a bit as he rubbed the spot where she hit him.

“My bad, my bad. I know I probably should have said something but clearly, Lauren told you first,” He said.

“Of course she did. She’s been trying to get at you since me and J’s wedding. It was so obvious,” She said as the two began to walk together. “And you know Cody and Yana got together too? Like, you’re all growing up on me and I’m so over it,” She huffed.

“That ain’t shit compared to this nigga,” He gestured towards Damon, who was coming down the stairs from the ground floor above them. “This fucker eloped!”

“Huh?” Damon hit the last step before jumping down onto the ground, meeting Beija halfway in a hug. “Stop tellin’ my business, nigga,” He mumbled before he rubbed Beija’s head gently. “How’s my niece? I saw her on Instagram over at the local zoo,” He said.

“Niya is doing fine as usual. Spoiled as ever—I know Cody gonna lose his mind when he sees her. All she asks about is Uncle Cody,” Beija chuckled a bit. “But can we talk about what I just heard? You eloped?” She asked.

“Uhm...not entirely? I just got married and didn’t tell y’all,” Dame said softly before he rubbed the back of his neck.

“You and Sara are shitheads. That’s all that is,” Bas commented, and Beija’s face of confusion seemed to only deepen.

“So, all of you are just gonna fuck and marry my friends? This is foolish,” She laughed a bit.

“I know you not talking. All four of y’all got some kind of voodoo. That’s how Jermaine got stuck on you,” Bas joked.

“Mhm. Old ass still gets googly eyed over you,” Dame began to laugh.

“Y’all gonna leave my husband alone. All these years and y’all still ain’t shit,” She chuckled before she felt two hands cover her eyes.

“Guess who,” Cody’s voice made Beija laugh, and she turned to give him a hug. “And I see Thing 1 and Thing 2 are here as well. Fuck is up?” He dapped up the other men as he spoke.

“Updating Beija on shit. Apparently she didn’t know Dame got married,” Bas explained casually.

“Wait—what? Married to who? Sara?” Cody asked with a furrowed brow.

“See?! He a whole hoe. Got married and told nobody,” Beija complained.

“Look, it just kinda...happened. I had a show in Vegas and she had been riding with me while I did the gig. It started as a joke but then...bam. We were at the chapel then we got an actual license when I got back to Chicago,” Dame explained with a small laugh. “I didn’t think y’all would take it so hard.”

“Take what so hard?” Jermaine was the last to arrive to the makeshift ‘pow wow,’ running a hand over his head before he adjusted the sweats he had on.

“Baby, Dame got married,” Beija announced.

“Oh. Yeah, he did,” He said.

“Wait, how the fuck did you know before us?” Cody seemed to still be in shock, and the reactions seemed to only make Bas laugh obnoxiously.

“Y’all could have just went to Sara’s Instagram and see that. It was obvious what they were doing,” J shrugged a bit before chuckling. “Anyway—everyone good for tonight? Where’s everyone else?” He asked.

“Don’t know. I know I saw Lil’ J around here. Courtney just got here,” Beija explained as she looked through her phone. “Z and Whit are on the way,” She added.

“You know what’s insane about this? It’s been a while since we all been together like this. And I remember when all of us were all together. I remember when I met you, B,” Cody commented, sliding his hands into his pockets.

“I do too. You thought it’d be cute to prank me on my first day. I could have beat your ass, I was so mad,” Beija rolled her eyes as Dame and Bas let out a chuckle.

“I have a question. Just one,” Beija noticed Jermaine’s smile as he watched her. “Why exactly was I the last to meet you? All these years, I never really got a clear answer,” He said.

“Between getting school wrapped up and everything else, I didn’t have time,” Beija shrugged.

“But you made time to meet everyone else,” J’s playful argument seemed to be geared towards a certain goal, and it only made Beija huff playfully.

“You must still think I was ducking you,” She crossed her arms.

“You were,” Bas began to laugh. “And I can see why now. Y’all are something else together.”

“I refuse to have this conversation with any of you fuckers. I have work to do,” Beija laughed softly before she pulled out her phone. “Y’all are due for a check with the band in about 10 minutes. Then J, you need to meet up with me so we can see about this sound check for later,” She instructed.

“Got it boss lady. Don’t stress too much,” Cody patted the top of her head lightly, moving out of the way before Beija could smack him as she desired to. Before long, she and Jermaine were left in the area together.

“Tell the truth,” Jermaine broke the comfortable silence, and Beija softly groaned. “Tell the truth and I’ll drop it,” He said.

“Okay, fine. I was intentionally holding off meeting you,” Beija frowned as she glanced up at him. “Happy now?”

“No. It wasn’t for my happiness,” Jermaine stepped closer to her and he slid his hands in front of his body, standing up straight as he stared down at her. “Why, though? I wasn’t anyone to be avoiding,” He reasoned.

“You weren’t. But you know the saying; ‘never meet your heroes.’ I was afraid of meeting you because my heart would have been broken if you turned out to be some jerk. But the irony of it all was that you exceeded all expectation or hope I had for you, and that was scarier as we got to know one another,” Beija explained, and the silence in the hall was a bit eerie. Every so often, some workers would pass them with equipment as they took it towards the stage area. But even with all of the occasional noise, Beija never took her eyes off of Jermaine.

“If you knew what you know now—if you could have predicted and envisioned us, what we became—would you do it all again?” He asked.

Beija gave a slow nod, a bit surprised at her willingness to be so honest. “The only thing I could wish was that you weren’t married, so nobody would have had to deal with that shit. But if I could take this ride with you again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

It was a rarity these days to not be able to read Jermaine’s eyes—over the years, Beija had become so in-tune with the man that she could just look at him and know what he was feeling to an extent. Even the things he wouldn’t tell her could be written in his expression, and when he looked into her eyes it no longer felt as if he was looking through her, but trying to speak to her in ways words couldn’t assist properly. But for the first time in a long time, she couldn’t read his expression and she felt vulnerable again. She once again felt like that young girl who had just started out with Dreamville, meeting the man she called her hero...the man that at the time, she didn’t think she’d love as strongly as she did in the moment.

She watched as he took a step forward, and he leaned down to peck her lips gently. Her eyes slowly closed as he slid his hand up her cheek, her face heating a bit when he kissed her cheek afterwards. She opened her eyes only when he pulled away, and she watched him walk down the hallway. She could see a pep in his walk, and with that she knew that he was more than satisfied with her answer. She could have easily asked him the same question, but from simple everyday actions, she knew what the answer would be now, and forever.

The stadium was filled with bodies; the first night of the tour would be in Minneapolis, and the camp would continue to travel through the Midwest for the first leg. After a two week break they’d hit the East Coast and part of the South before wrapping up with the rest of the South and the West Coast. Then there was the European and Asian legs, and that was a whole other monster to deal with. By that time, Beija would definitely be home with her kids by then. She did enjoy the thought of being at home once her son was born, but she was glad that she could get a chance to see Jermaine perform. She felt the energy from every person in the space and her excitement couldn’t be contained.

“Here we are,” Gina came through the door of the dressing room, with Janiya not too far behind. Beija held her arms out and the toddler came towards the couch before climbing into the woman’s lap. “She just used the restroom and we had dinner, so she should be all good,” Gina announced.

“Good, thanks Gi,” Beija looked down at the little girl who was already dressed in a child’s version of the tour t-shirt. “Did you have fun with Miss Gina?” She asked.

“Mhm,” Niya laid her head against Beija’s stomach, and B couldn’t help but to smile at the way Janiya watched Jermaine as he got himself ready in the mirror.

“Alright, I’m ready,” He yawned softly as he stood up straight, dusting off his black t-shirt. “How are we on time?” He asked.

“Bas should be finishing his set soon and then you can get ready to go up,” Beija said, and J nodded before he approached the two females.

“Come give daddy some love,” Niya all but bolted into her father’s arms, and he scooped her into his arms before rocking her side to side. “You gonna watch me, right?” He asked, smiling wide when the girl nodded excitedly. “You need anything before I go on, babe?” He glanced over at Beija, who shook her head.

“Just need my good luck kiss,” She chuckled, and she pressed her lips to his once he came within her space. “I love you. You’re gonna do amazing,” She assured.

“I love you too,” He let Janiya down on the ground before he headed out of the room.

Beija slowly got off the couch before she sighed, rubbing her lower back. “Lord,” She huffed before she grabbed Niya’s hand. “Come on, bud. Let’s go watch daddy.”

After getting protective ear muffs for Janiya, the girls were led throughout the backstage area to a place where they could see Jermaine properly. Beija took a seat in the chair that was provided for her, and Janiya sat on her lap before the girl began to rub her mother’s stomach as she always did. Beija watched closely as the workers rushed to get the stage set up as more audience members filled the seats of the arena. Before long the place was packed with individuals, and the lights shut off to signify that the headliner was about to hit the stage. The crowd roared with applause and cheers, and Beija pulled out her phone as she taped the crowd from her seat. She turned the phone towards Janiya, who clapped unknowingly.

The sounds of a tape whirring came from the speakers, and one of Jermaine’s visuals came across the screen—it was a ‘tape’ of him as a child, rapping along with an old Outkast song. Soon the visual cut short and the LED screen showed a bright white light. Jermaine’s silhouette stood alone on the stage, and the audience’s noise grew even louder.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Janiya screeched, and Beija smiled softly as she wrapped an arm around the girl’s waist. The very song that Jermaine was rapping to as a child happened to be the sample for ‘830,’ one of the songs from the latest album. Thus, it set the tone for the evening.

Jermaine went through a creative process of picking his set list—he allowed the fans to vote on songs they wanted to hear on tour, so it made the show feel even more endearing. As J cranked out hits from back in the day down to the present, Beija was taken on a wild ride down memory lane. She could remember every single place she was when she first heard the songs he performed, from her college days to the time she got to know Jermaine, all the way to the songs she watched him record to create his last two albums. Even the songs that had darker material that depicted her depression brought more of a sweet memory than sour. She had gone through so much to get to that moment and although she didn’t exactly look upon those memories fondly, she realized the blessings that came with those struggles.

The show ended off with ‘Love Yourz’ mashed up with one of her favorite songs off of Reborn—as he rapped along with the old Forest Hills Drive track, he had a saxophone player perform along with the band as they performed the instrumental to the Reborn track that depicted the day he and Beija had gotten married. Every so often Jermaine would change up some of the lyrics to match his current life status, and once the song was over, the band went back to playing the original instrumentation for Love Yourz.

“Yo, this has been an incredible night. Make some fuckin’ noise,” Jermaine hyped, and the crowd played into it as they screamed and applauded for him. “It’s crazy, man. I remember performing Love Yourz every night last tour, and it reminded me so much of my best friend. She told me to inhale that love and energy, and release the doubt and negativity. Little did I know that every time I performed the song I’d think of her,” Beija watched his smile, and she felt her heart skip a beat as she blinked away her tears. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? And it’s all because of you all. Thank you for everything y’all do. Since y’all have done so much for me I feel like I owe y’all what I’m about to announce,” Beija’s eyebrows raised in question; J never said anything about any special announcements, so she was caught off guard. “Get this shit on camera, for once I want the world to know this—after this tour, I’m taking a break to be with my family. How long it will be, I don’t know. I’ve been telling y’all to ‘love yourz,’ and now it’s time for me to love mine.”

Beija’s mouth flung open as she heard the crowd’s equally mixed reaction. While overall supportive, some seemed absolutely devastated and confused. As Jermaine took his final bow and headed off stage, her eyes stayed upon him as his mic pack was taken off his body. She watched as Janiya got out of her grip and went to greet her father. She slowly got up from her chair and she followed the two of them back towards his dressing room. Even with the word of praise and thanks towards her husband, she couldn’t keep her eyes off him as a flurry of questions filled her head. She couldn’t articulate any of them, so she chose silence for the moment being.

After Jermaine got a shower and changed into some regular clothes, the family headed towards the tour bus to head out towards the next city. They only got stopped a couple of times for pictures and congratulations on the new baby from fans, but they got to their bus without much trouble. Once the three got onto the tour bus, all was silent as Jermaine pulled Janiya off the ground and into her arms. “I’ll get her ready for bed,” He mumbled.

“Okay,” Beija took a seat on the couch as she watched him walk towards their back room where their bedroom was. “Goodnight, Janiya.”

“Night-night,” Janiya waved before she laid her head upon Jermaine’s shoulder. Soon, Beija was alone in the front of the bus as she felt the bus begin to move.

Beija took a deep breath as she pulled her phone from the pocket of her jeans, and she glanced over the numerous social media notifications she had—TMZ already had an article ready and out; J. Cole Announces Possible Retirement, it said. Complex, Bossip, and other gossip outlets followed suit, while fans who were at the show had clips of Jermaine’s speech on their Twitter accounts. Her own Twitter accounts were a mess, from questions to even accusations of her being the reason why he was retiring. She wasn’t sure how to react to it. Once again, J had blindsided her and she would have to deal with what was to emerge from it.

She had 30 minutes or so to marinate within the thought—Jermaine finally came from the back and sat down in the seat across from Beija. The two looked at one another and it seemed that Beija’s questions could be heard without her even saying anything. Even if so, she couldn’t help but ask:

“Jermaine, what were you thinking?”

J ran a hand over the top of his head, and shook his head as he looked down at his sneakers. Leaning down to unlace them, he slipped his feet out of them before he sat them down next to him. “I’m tired,” He said softly.

“You’re tired...? What’s wrong?” Beija furrowed her eyebrows, the confusion and concern laced within her voice.

“Nothing is wrong. For once...nothing’s wrong. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” Jermaine chuckled to himself, and Beija’s face softened as she noticed the glistening in his eyes. “And that’s why I’m going to retire. If I can find it in me to come back after some time, then so be it. I’ll come back, do another album. But right now, my focus gotta be with us. I’ve done all that I can do in this industry,” His tone seemed so final, and Beija couldn’t shake off the sadness that it brought upon her.

“Do you really think so? J...I know you feel like you have to pour everything into one thing or another, but there’s a different way we can go about this. I watched you tonight and I saw the happiness that radiated from you,” Beija could see some of the tears that rolled down her husband’s face, and it was killing her. She was convinced that this wasn’t what Jermaine truly wanted. “You can’t tell me there’s nothing else to do. There’s so much more for you to do. God didn’t give you what He gave you for you to stop right here,” Her tone seemed almost pleading. “I mean—fuck, you’re crying in front of me, J.”

“I would have cried whether I did this by choice or not, Beija. Because you may be right; I have a lot that I could do, but this is bigger than me. I want a normal life for real, Beija. I love music, and I love the way it makes me feel. This shit saved my life more times than I can count,” J wiped his face before he let out a sigh. “But I’ve accomplished what I wanted to. I came into this game wanting to be one of the greats—I did that. Even after success stopped being my goal, and my hopes became set on touching lives and relating to the people, I did that too. Now, I want to just focus on us. I already talked to Ib about it, and I’ll just sit back and produce for our artists among other things. But as far as rapping, there’s nothing else for me to really do. I’ve told my stories—now I want to live them out,” He managed to smile through his tearful revelation. “I want to be with you and my kids. I owe you guys that for sticking by me.”

Beija bit into her corner lip as she watched Jermaine stand up to his feet, taking a step towards her before he kneeled down in front of her. She felt her hands trembling when he took them, and she blinked away the tears hat threatened to come as he kissed her. “If you truly want to do this...then I’m with you,” She said, and he nodded before he kissed her knuckles. “I’m with you all the way.”

“Until the end?”

“Even after that.”

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