#I had a dream today I lost my comfort plushie again. And I was crying in that dream and mental over it and couldn't find her. It seemed lik | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sailorhyunjinz · 3 years

Text

𝕴𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝕷𝖔𝖘𝖙 𝕾𝖔𝖚𝖑𝖘 𝐈

Pairing; Bartender!Changbin x Fem!reader (she/her pronouns)

Warning ; ANGST!! SMUT!! skz side characters, semi-slow burn, hurt/comfort, strangers to lovers, depiction of mental disorders, consumption of alcohol, under the influence, self hatred, complicated family relationships, depersonalisation/derealisation, depression, alternative universe, implications of su-cide, semi su-cide attempt, su-cidal!reader, mentions of bl-od and injury, mentions of k-dnapping and murder, alcoholism, mentions of selfh-rm, mentions of knifes, gaslighting, smoking, mentions of weapons, mentions of pregnancies, a bunch of crying, fainting, toxic masculinity.

𝘕𝘚𝘍𝘞 ; piv, protected sex (use of condom), missionary, dry humping, nicknames, sex in semi-public place, fingering, corruption kink if you squint, orgasm (m/f), cum,,,, other then that it’s kinda vanilla.

𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 ; 14.3 k

O N E ｜ T W O

From one survivor to another; cheers you guys.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ♪ Playlist ♪ .⋅} ────── ⊰

[FEEL SOMETHING DIFFERENT - Bea Miller, Aminè]

[Multi-Love - Unknown Mortal Orchestra]

[Beach Baby - Bon Iver]

[High Enough - K.Flay]

[Dope Lovers - DPR IAN]

[Make Out in My Car ; Sufjan Stevens Version - Sufjan Stevens]

[I Feel it Coming ; The weekend, Daft Punk]

[Space Song ; Beach House] (ah the loml and the album is called depression cherry so it makes me happy)

𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥.

𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘧 18.

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐈 ; 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐲

“Let me out!! LET ME OUT!”

You cry out, banging on the heavy wooden door until your knuckles bruise, red marks leaving their traces on your soft skin. The only lightsource is the tiny cell window, sun shining brightly and illuminating thousands of dust specks, floating around you like your lost hopes. The grey cement walls got closer and closer, seconds ticking in your head like a clock.

This is it.

This is how you die.

Crushed to death like a bug, your ambitions never getting their chance to prove themselves. All that you ever wanted to achieve was an impossibility as you were slowly but surely pressed together in the ever shrinking room.

Salty tears roll down your cheek, a feeling of hopelessness washing over you as you turn your back against the door, sliding down to your feet, banging the back of your head lightly against the entrance.

You feel the rough walls hitting both sides of your forearms, a last ear deafening scream leaving your parted lips.

Until you woke up.

With a series of jerking motions you sit up, panting like you just ran a marathon, the pounding of your heart audible to you. Darkness swallowed you as the night progressed, you considering yourself lucky to find yourself in your comfortable bed, still in your room.

Only after minutes do you notice your wet cheeks, the tears not being limited to your dream world. You blink, your coated eyelashes weighing heavy on your eyelids as you wipe tears with the back of your hand. The shock from your dream didn’t reside, you now being too afraid to fall back on your plushy pillow, fearful of what horrible dreams awaited you on the other side.

You grab your phone from the nightstand, immediately being hit with a bright light causing you to squint and turn away momentarily.

[Search: being crushed dream meaning]

Multiple articles from all sorts of sketchy websites popped up, you clicking on the first one.

“Stress or emotionally overwhelmed”

You laugh lazily, the dream making sense as you feel yourself slipping back into a peaceful slumber, phone still in hand as the muscles in your face relax, jaw opening, your dream world once again inviting you for a dance.

The sun woke you up with it’s radiant rays shining in your face, the closed blinds barely able to withstand them. Your phone was lying on the floor face down, you must have dropped it while sleeping you thought before rubbing your eyes from any dirt and staring up at the ceiling.

Another day

Another day that I’m here.

You wish you could pull the covers over your head, get lost in your own mind and never deal with the outside world ever again. But you had to.

You picked up your phone from the dusty floor that hadn’t been cleaned for weeks, you simply didn’t have the motivation to do it. The bright phone screen awaked you, you blinked your eyes a couple of times to see clearer.

[3 Missed Calls - Mom]

You couldn’t be bothered to call her back. She was only gonna nag at you for not calling back earlier, wondering what you’ve been up to now that you’ve been fired from your job as a receptionist at the local hotel. What were you gonna say? Drinking too much booze and crying yourself to sleep every night? You couldn’t, that would only hurt her.

Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

You got up, legs wobbling as you stumbled to the bathroom, head pounding from the amount of alcohol you consumed the night prior. Not with friends but alone, in your living room, in the one room apartment you no longer could afford.

Ice cold water splashed onto your sweaty face, that being the only hygiene you could muster today. You turned the tap off, grabbing a towel and wiping your face and looking deep into your own eyes.

That’s not me.

That’s not me looking back.

You poked your tongue out, hoping the figure in the mirror wouldn’t move and you could confirm your thoughts but alas the figure followed you. You felt crazy, it was as if you’ve died a long time ago but still saw everything that happened. You could stick your hand through a wall and it would disappear you thought, nothing was real. Not even you.

You entered your mess of a living room, seeing the wreck from yesterday night. Countless green glass bottles scattered on the table in front of the tv that was your only escape from reality. Blankets and pillows were thrown across the floor along with a box of tissues, your emotions bubbling up to the surface too often resulting in you crying and shaking on the floor, a feeling of fear washing over you late at night.

You felt alone.

But you weren’t.

Fuck, why were you so ungrateful? You had everything. A roof over your head, a family that loves you, friends, food on the table. Yet, even this couldn’t satisfy you. You blamed yourself for everything.

For your work firing you.

For your parents divorcing.

For your own pathetic life.

You shook your head as if you were shaking the negative thoughts out of your head, instead grabbing a couple of the empty bottles that were reeking with the scent of liquor and placing them on the kitchen counter. ‘Cleaning up’ in your eyes.

With a thump your back landed against the couch that swallowed you, engulfing you in a comforting embrace you got from no other person or object. This was your safe space you thought but not even your couch could save you from your intrusive reasonings. With a light click on the remote the tv screen lit up, your eyes still not used to the brightness since you’re always cooped up in your apartment where the blinds were always closed, another barrier between you and reality.

Nature documentaries, your favorite.

The calming male voice of the narrator being the only one you talked to during your lonely days. The animals could make you forget. They lived so freely, moving wherever they wanted without a care in the world, either swimming, hopping or flying. You wish you were born as another animal than human.

“The 52-hertz whale travels an astonishing 70 km a day but it’s voyage doesn’t bring social interactions. This whale is the loneliest whale in the world. It’s the only whale that is capable of emitting a whale call at such frequency, no other individuals communicating with the poor creature.”

You sat up in curiosity. It was a scream for help you thought. The whale needed help, it needed someone or something.

Just like you.

You sighed, watching the lonely whale on your tv screen, seeing it’s gracious movements despite its size. It did look lonely in that deep dark sea, wondering how it would be to fall into the abyss of water, swallowing you whole and erasing the life that once sparked your soul.

This was where you spent your entire days. The clock on the wall is ticking but the digits it displayed are oblivious to you. What did it matter if it was 5 pm or 1 am? You were still not gonna budge from your comforting seat on the couch. Drinking your feelings away no matter what time in the day.

This was you.

This was who you had become.

The sun started to set on the horizon, a delicate shade of light purple descending over it, covering the end of the world like the way a canopy covers the softness of a bed. You sigh, diverting your focus back on the tv screen after momentarily observing the life outside your window. Yet again, nature documentaries accompanied by the soft male voice, narrating every movement of the colibri that fluttered it’s wings at the speed of light on your screen in vivid colors.

You got that look in your eyes. That look of amazement which you now only had when looking at the beautiful colors of a exotic bird. You moved closer to the tv screen in the now dark living room, the sun setting at a fast pace. It reminded you of the many times your mom shouted at you to not sit so close to the screen, scaring you by saying that you’d get rectangular eyes.

Your childhood.

The only time you felt ease.

The only time your family was as one.

“y/n, what does your heart look like?” the therapist asked, scribbling mindlessly on a notepad.

“it’s a muscle that pumps blo-” you started but were quickly cut off.

“no, I mean what does your heart look like, how does it feel?”

You sighed, looking down at the grey marbled floor, your legs shaking in nervousness. You hesitated before speaking, scrambling in your mind to say something sensible before the words came pouring out of you.

“i-it looks like a house. A dark, empty house,,, but it’s comforting.”

Once again you heard the sound of a pencil writing incoherent sentences. Curious as to know what secrets were on that piece of A5-paper.

“is there anyone in the house with you?” the therapist inquired.

You shook your head before speaking.

“I don’t want to let anyone in, this is my safe space” you say, almost setting up an emotional barrier, not wanting to answer further questions.

The person sitting across from you hummed as you stared out the window behind them, the green ivy bushes already grown tall enough to cover half of the grimy window.

“is the house empty?” they asked to which you shook your head once again, avoiding the glassy-eyed stare of the therapist.

“no,,, there are dusty furniture covered in white cloths and-,,, and family photos in the drawers.”

“is it your family?”

You shook your head in disagreement.

“How did you end up here?”

You thought for a second, puffing out your cheeks, a habit of yours. You searched for a reason but not finding any.

“I just,,, was here one day.”

“The sun never shines here.” you added after a solid 30 seconds of silence.

You were stuck in that house.

The house that was once filled with happy memories of another family, you simply a ghost that was now trying to fit the broken pieces together, wanting desperately to see them smiling again.

Tears started forming in your eyes, a shiny gloss over your orbs.

But you never cried.

Not in front of others.

You thought often about that visit. Why your heart was an desolate house and why the words spilled out of you like a poisonous liquid.

You closed your eyes, the bright colors fluttering behind your eyelids as the comforting sounds of the woods blasted from the tv.

You wish you could be somewhere else.

Anywhere but here.

A single tear rolled down your cheek as a smile creeped up on your face, your butt against the floor as your knees were underneath your chin, your entire figure curled up into a small ball.

You sighed as your eyes fluttered open again. You were still here, in your apartment that smelled like nothing but alcohol and disappointment.

Firmly planting both your hands on the wooden floor you heaved yourself up with the intention of getting more tissues, the blue colored tissue box on the floor being as empty as others expectations of you.

But as you stood up the entire room started spinning, small specks of rainbow flashing by your eyes. You thought you stood up to quickly grabbing onto the wall for a second before collapsing against it, your entire body shaking. You cried louder, thinking you were about to pass out. Your hair stuck to your tear stained cheek as your puffy eyes closed once again.

What was happening?

The rain hit your unconscious body, your knees scraped from the concrete you lied on. You were soaked from head to toe, lying with your cheek against the ground in a puddle of rain. You woke up from your head pounding, your bloody knees only gaining your attention after you’ve looked around in a confused daze.

It was empty. An alleyway in the dark night. You found yourself panicked, anxiety bubbling inside of you. That’s when you saw it. A single street light above a red phone booth. You tried to stand up but fell over again as your legs could barely hold you up, now scraping your elbow against the gritty ground.

Crying out, you started shouting for help.

“HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP!”

You screamed at the top of your lungs, voice cracking as your tears started to look identical to the rain that was pouring over your cold, helpless body. Nobody came, your voice only echoing against the wall that the phone booth stood near to.

You got on all fours, crawling towards the light as pure pain shot through your body, small pebbles jabbing into the open wounds on your knees. You needed shield from the rain. Desperate huffs and groans escaping your parted lips as you dragged yourself through small puddles, the phonebooth seemingly getting further and further away from you. Looking through the soaked curtains that was your hair you were determined, this was life or death you thought as you continued to shout out for help, it appeared to be useless since the only other sound besides your own voice was the rain hitting the ground.

Shivering hands grabbed onto the corner of the crimson red phonebooth, the streetlight illuminating your teary eyes. You held onto that frigid and wet piece of metal as if you were holding onto a treasure.

As if you won a race.

As if you pleased your parents.

You looked up, dragging the inner side of your leg against the concrete, your pyjama pants wet to the bone. Desperately you got yourself together, your arms shaking as the rough pads of your hands met the ground, pushing yourself up into a standing position. You hissed at the pain in your knees as you grabbed onto the metal handle that opened the phonebooth, stepping inside.

The inside was surprisingly warm, as if someone had been there moments prior. A ripped piece of paper was taped on the glass pane to the right of the payphone, something that seemed like a phone number but could impossibly be since it wasn’t a full number.

[1800-xxx]

You looked at the payphone and then back at the washed out paper, the edges of the note curling and stained with yellow. Only when you looked back at the phone again did you notice the keypad. To your surprise there was an “x” button. Your head felt heavy, deciding to lean it against the other side of the stuffy phone booth, your hot breath creating steam on the glass.

You wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

Your entire body ached, let alone the blood that was dripping down your leg. The rusty payphone connected to the actual phone, a black handle connected to the underside of the machinery by a coiled metal rope. You picked up the phone, putting it against your ear and groaned when you remembered that you needed coins in order for the payphone to work

[0.5 gold/minute]

You rubbed your eyes. Gold? You sighed loudly, your knees barely being able to hold your weary body any longer. Hesitant fingers pressed the number that was jot down on the lined note, pressing each key accordingly. You pressed the last x before you pressed the “call” button, not expecting anything to happen.

But after a few seconds a female automated voice spoke to you.

“Thank you for calling. This place only appears to the suffering. If you are receiving this call, congratulations! Your prayers have been answered. Drink the liquid in the paper cup above this payphone. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”

The voice lagged, a static sound accompanying the automated voice. Your breath got shaky as you looked around, holding the phone close to your ear with both hands. This could only be some sort of kidnapping scheme or this was a sick dream.

“It’s a dream, y/n. Calm down, nothing's gonna hurt you.”

You muttered to yourself, pinching your forearm tightly and wincing from pain. This wasn’t a dream after all.

Your gaze landed on the brown paper cup that was balancing delicately on top of the payphone, your cracking knuckles reaching for it as you let the phone fall out of your grasp, being caught mere inches from the sticky floor of the photobooth by the coil. Bringing the cup closer to your face you saw a dark viscous liquid that smelled sweet enough to sting your nose. Your face contorted into disgust, debating on whether not to drink the contents of the paper cup.

“Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid. Drink the liquid.”

The voice continued ringing in your ears. You had nothing to lose. If you died then you at least got what you wanted. Holding your breath, you brought the cup closer to your quivering lips, parting them slightly as you held your nose tightly, not wanting to feel whatever horrible taste could be found in that dark pit of goo.

It burned the moment it hit the delicate taste buds on your tongue, your voice muffled as the fluid descended down your throat, your larynx bobbing up and down with each gulp. Despite covering your nose you could taste the pungent sweetness, it tasted like pure acid. Not that you knew what that tasted like but what you assumed it would.

You coughed, accidentally spilling some of the goo on the floor, dribbling out of your mouth. The heavy rain pitter-pattered against the metal roof above your head, your eyelids threatening to shut. The cup fell out of your hand as you slammed your forehead against the payphone, not hard enough to bleed but hard enough to bruise. Your jawbone hurt from how much you’d been crying, eyes puffy as the salty tears mixed with the rain droplets on your face.

“i-i’m sorry mom, i’m so fucking sorry.”

You rolled your forehead left to right against the rusty material of the payphone, your soaked hair covering your empty eyes. Your knees bent under you causing you to fall on your butt with your knees clinking against each other, the sticky contents on the floor sticking to the soft fabric of your pants.

“I’M SO SORRY!”

You never thought a scream this loud could protrude its way out of your throat, the vibrations bouncing off the glass that to your surprise didn’t break. Everything started to become shades darker, almost as if a black and white filter settled over your vision.

No, this is how you’re gonna die.

Alone.

In the rain.

“Hyung, what are you gonna do with her?”

Muffled club music struck your ear along with a high pitched ringing, your eyelids felt as heavy as they’d been in the phonebooth. With your head pounding you slowly open your eyes, first not seeing anything but darkness before eight unknown men form a circle around you, hovering above you.

You shoot up from your lying position, fear overtaking your body. Where were you but more importantly why the fuck were you alone in a dark room with 8 young men? Not thinking straight, you decided to scream once again, thinking they would back off and let you be.

“Get away from me!!”

The males covered their ears, groaning in pain and a blonde boy throwing himself on the floor, rolling around.

“HEY!! HEY! WE’RE NOT GONNA HURT YOU!”

A strong voice overpowered yours, every word almost sounding like a grunt. You around, seeing that you were sitting on a soft leather couch before looking up at the male that was standing right infront of you. He was muscular, his biceps sitting snugly in the tight black t-shirt that covered him, a grey apron tied around his waist and his dark hair shielding his intense gaze and furrowed eyebrows. He had a jaw so sharp you could cut silence with it but silence was the last thing this room had. The boys were shouting at each other, trying to hush the others while screaming themselves.

“SHUT UP!!”

The room got quiet as the muscular guy roared, the seven other individuals coming to a halt. You looked at them all with a puzzled expression, all of them handsome, a fact you couldn’t deny.

“Where the fuck am I, who are you guys and p-please don’t kill me”

Your voice cracked at the end of your sentence as your eyes twinkled, tears teasing the corners of your eyes, fingers shaking in fear. The male closest to you sat down, the weight of the couch shifting. He rubbed his hand together before he started speaking in a calmer voice.

“I’m Changbin, bartender of the Lost Souls nightclub. That’s Chan, security guard.”

With his chin, he pointed at a guy in ripped black jeans with a white t-shirt, a sweatband across his forehead, pushing his slightly curly hair back. He didn’t look like a security guard, the only thing that might have pointed to that was the walkie-talkie hanging from his belt. You nodded before Changbin continued.

“And those are some friends, frequent visitors if you will.”

A light haired boy with shiny rhinestones under his eyes stepped forward after he’d been hugging the tallest guy in the room the entire time.

“u-uhm, the name’s Felix! This is Hyunjin, Seungmin, Jeongin, Jisung and Minho, and yeah those two, Chan and Changbin.”

He pointed at each guy respectively and the room filled with small “hi’s” and smiles. They didn’t look threatening, all of them being very timid and looking down at the ground. Your gaze diverted back to Changbin that was staring at you the entire time.

“Can somebody tell me where I am?”

Changbin cleared his throat, stomping his boot a couple of times.

“This is gonna sound,,, interesting but you have to believe me-”

You interrupted the muscular boy, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear, noticing that it had dried.

“Why should I believe you? We’ve just met?”

Changbin sighed.

“Just,,, hear me out”. You nodded before he continued.

“You answered a phone call right?”

Nodding once again your gaze drifted towards the other boys that were looking at Changbin with googly eyes.

“Well,,, this place only appears to those who are,,, struggling with themselves. Obviously you don’t have to tell us why you’re here but,,, this is a place to let go. The only rule here is no fighting”

“Or dancing on the tables” the tall blonde boy added with a snark causing a squirrel-like boy to giggle, playfully hitting the blonde before looking at Chan who glared back at him, the boy being flustered and turning serious again. Jisung, his name was.

“W-what did that phonebooth do,,, does everyone go through that?” you asked with a curious tone.

“Usually it’s a pleasant experience going in that phonebooth, the sun shining and people hanging around that alleyway before taking the phonecall and drinking the elixir,,, there must have been a glitch in the system.”

He sounded unsure, scratching the back of his head as he looked at all of the boys.

“System? What system? I’m dreaming, right?” you said in panic, wanting to get out of this oddly suffocating room.

“W-we are real and you’re not dreaming,,, it’s just that, we can’t meet in real life you know? This is a place to,,, let oneself go and I know it’s scary since you only get here randomly, it must have been hard passing out like that,,”

A boy with fluffy light brown hair and a pretty eye smile said, Seungmin! You remembered his name because you thought it fitted him, sounding both soft and sharp at the same time.

“y-yeah,,, it was scary b-but thank you for caring about me” you said with a half smile

“oh! and also, we treated all your wounds, luckily you were passed out so you couldn’t feel the pain but let me tell you,,, it looked awful, I don’t understand how you did that Chan” Jisung remarked with wide eyes, looking at you concerned before turning to Chan.

“Did what?” you inquired to which Jisung responded.

“Removing the pebbles in your wounds, h-how did you even get those in there?” he asked to which you tried to remember, seeing hazed memories of you crawling on the asphalt in the storming rain.

“I was crawling towards the phone booth'' you said quietly as the boys gazed at you with concern. The atmosphere got dusked and in an attempt to lift the mood you cleared your throat, lightly running your hands over the bandaids that were plastered on your scraped knees, wincing from the contact.

Changbin made eye contact with Chan, jerking his head towards the door to signal for him and the other boys to leave the room. Chan nodded and patted Jeongin on the shoulder, trying to scoot all the boys out of the room like a shepherd leading a bunch of silent sheep.

“Let’s have some fun! Drinks on me boys~” Chan exclaimed to get the boys off their worried thoughts about you, the curly haired male closed the door quietly and both you and Changbin stayed silent until the footsteps were faint on the other side of the black wooden door.

“Is this better?” Changbin said with a slight smile at the end. “They can be quite the bunch sometimes, either they’re very much off the deep end or they’re just a rowdy mess” he laughs, looking out in the distance before he looks at you with your knees under your chin, holding your legs close to your body.

“So,,, we’re all here for similar reasons?” you mumbled, holding your gaze stable on his dark eyes.

“yeah,,, pretty much. We’ve all dealt with something mentally draining and of course you don’t have to tell but I just want you to know that nothing will hurt you here.” Changbin replied.

“I do want to tell,,, but it’s just that I don’t want to be alone about it. I’ve never been around people that have shared the same experiences.”

Changbin slid closer to you on the couch, putting one leg over the other.

“It’s like that for,,, almost every single individual in the club, we all want to tell our stories and this is the place to do it. No one is gonna judge you for it. I remember thinking that when I first got here, ‘everyone is gonna judge me for not drinking’.”

Changbin’s last sentence caught your attention.

“but aren’t you the bartender? shouldn’t you know all the,,, liquors and such?”

Changbin sighed and you regretted you sentence, thinking that maybe you asked a too personal question.

“I do know them but not in the way one should.”

Something clicked in your head when the boy uttered those words. You nodded silently, letting your gaze fall to your wounded knees as your shaky voice spoke;

“So do I”

Changbin’s gaze was fixated on the floor as he shared what was on his mind.

“But no one judged me,,, eh,,, I never asked for your name!” the boy said to which you giggled, reassuring Changbin that you were in a stable state.

“It’s y/n, nice to meet you!” you said, stretching your hand forward to shake his. Changbin smiled towards your gesture.

“pretty name, angel” he said, shaking your hand and noticing how small it was in his grasp, the cold metal of his rings contrasting to your now warm hands. He didn’t let go immediately, instead holding your hand and feeling it’s warm temperature, running his thumb across your knuckles softly. You snarked at his comment.

“angel? didn’t know we had established pet names for each other in barely 10 minutes of meeting.”

“and I didn’t know angels landed in this place” he said back. “i’ve had to deal with 7 annoying boys that never listen to me,,, well, 8 but one of them,,, disappeared.”

You nodded, not wanting to overstep any boundaries by asking about that 8th guy incase it was an emotional topic.

“how is it? working with alcohol despite having quite a rocky relationship to it?”

The buff boy hummed, drumming his fingers on the seat next to him.

“It’s better than one might think. I get to be around it without engaging in the activity myself, simply serving clients and the boys already know it, we look out for each other. Like a family you know!” Changbin said with a happy tone, not wanting the conversation to get you in a bad mood after all you’ve been through that night.

“family,,, could use one of those” you joked and Changbin actually laughed which you’ve never felt with anyone before, the only response you usually got was your therapist writing down your self deprecating jokes with their orange lead pencil.

“you’re always welcome to us” he said, letting go of your hand that now felt empty. You felt safe. There was no way of describing it but you felt this caring aura around this man, drawing you closer to him.

“how long does this last? i’m guessing you go back to ‘the real world’ again at some point” you spoke, making quotation marks with your hands.

“it depends, it’s different every time but you will pass out just like you did when you got here but you won’t go back to the phone booth, you’ll wake up where you were last in real life. Time goes on in the real world but here,,, clocks don’t really work. We’ve tried bringing clocks or phones with us but the digits don’t change.”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. This had to be a dream.

“w-whats with the gold on the phone? Does money exist in this,,, universe?” you asked with confusion to which Changbin shook his head.

“no, drinks are free and so are the phone calls, i have no idea why the phone booth says that or why Chan said that drinks are on him, he must have been stressed trying to get the boys out of here” Changbin said to which you giggled.

“i-is there any time where you never return?” you asked, earning a bittersweet smile from the male.

“yeah,,, if those issues you have get resolved but,, that rarely happens. Destructive behaviours feed of each other. Get rid of one and it gets replaced with another.”

You recognised that. It was always something, you could never live in peace without feeling the need to self sabotage.

“Poor innie knows that too well” he added with an acerbic tone.

“innie?” you tilted your head in question, gazing around the dark room that was rather empty, only a couple of dark colored shelves on the wall and the couch you were sitting on along with the ceiling lamp that was stingy with it’s light.

“Jeongin, the youngest among us. Poor boy has been through it all, if it’s not drugs it’s self harm and Minho is a real dick sometimes, bringing pocket knives in “defense”. He’s delusional, thinking everyone is out to get him and Jeongin knows this. We’ve found our precious little boy in the bathroom too many times, holding those stupid knifes Minho keeps having on him and crying till his cheeks puff up.”

You took a mental note to keep your distance from Minho, feeling bad for Changbin that had to be amidst this mess while dealing with his own emotions. You could relate, being the emotional pillar between your parents that hated each other to the brink of physical violence. There’s always someone that has to suffer because of other people's problems.

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Changbin.” you managed to stutter out, not knowing what else to add to the conversation.

“Ah,,, don’t be, y/n! Just take good care of yourself, that’s what matters the most to me” Changbin said. You smiled, moving closer and hovered your hand above his shoulder.

“Can I?” you asked quietly to which Changbin nodded and moments later felt your warm hand patting his back. He felt listened to. Understood. And even though he was yet to tell you his entire life story he knew that you were different from the others. You actually cared about him.

The room started spinning again and you clutched onto Changbin’s black t-shirt, trying to stabilize yourself. Those rainbow colored speckles you had seen earlier appeared again, vision blurring right in front of your eyes.

“y/n? how are you?” Changbin’s voice was worried but he knew what was happening.

“it’s spinning again, I t-think I’m gonna pass,,, out” you muttered,

“It’s alright y/n, I’m here yeah?” His rough voice distinguished itself from his comforting words as you held onto the dark haired boy, a faint smell of tobacco interlacing with the air you breathed in through your nose. Your two arms were now wrapped around the male with your face against his broad shoulder, eyes shutting as tightly as they could, face contorting into fear until everything disappeared. The vague beats of the music. The pain that ached from your knees. The feeling of finally finding home in someone's arms.

Everything turned into nothing in Changbin’s embrace. You were slowly turning into his everything because he had nothing in his life.

And then you woke up.

You gasped for air as you woke up in panic, hunching over on the floor in a coughing fit, clawing at your neck for oxygen. Panting on the floor you put your forehead against the wooden laminated floorboards, your frizzy hair blocking out the little light that was in the apartment and being hit with the malodorous smell of distilled alcohol.

What was that?

You were convinced that it was some kind of wicked dream. An escape from reality even. But as Changbin said, you did wake up in the exact same place and position you passed out in. A long breath seized through your lungs as you shifted in your position on the floor.

“Son of a bitch!”

Tears prickled the corners of your eyes as the hard floor hit your wounded knees. You quickly sat down on your butt, lifting your knees up to your chin and only then did your heart drop.

It wasn’t a dream. Your eyes lingered on the bandaids that were placed with the utmost care across your both knees, a stain of dark brown blood seeping through the sticky elastic material and dried blood staining your knees in a haphazard attempt of somebody trying to wipe it off without hurting you. You managed to grab the edge of the sofa, levering yourself up with, testing out the strength left in your wobbly legs. Your phone lit up, sitting on the place you’re usually curled up in. Throwing yourself on the soft piece of furniture you observed the phone screen, lost eyes wandering mindlessly over the brightly lit display.

What you noticed wasn’t the worried text from your mother.

It was the fact that the digits hadn’t changed from when you passed out.

Your head snapped towards the tv screen and the phone fell from your hand when you stared at the screen, breath trembling.

The same documentary. The same colibri.

This couldn’t be. Surely you hadn’t just stopped time,,, right? This was not something Changbin warned you about. How long until you meet Changbin again? An hour,,, or ever?

There was nothing else you could do besides wait. Wait until the next time you pass out. And what better way to make time pass but to be confronted by your mother? You pulled up the text on your phone and read it hastily before scoffing.

[Are you eating well? Please call if you see this]

Since when did she care about you? You knew that she did care. Somewhere deep inside her motherly heart she did care but the way she displayed that so-called ‘affection’ didn’t make it obvious. You tried to justify every word, believing all the lies she fed you. You tried so hard to believe that you were healthy, that your mental health wasn’t deteriorating before the eyes of your very own mother that was refusing to see the truth. That her child was indeed in pain. You couldn’t blame her, it was her way of dealing with the issue but it didn’t make it easier for you. Your thumbs hovered above the keyboard, you couldn't think of anything better to write and quickly typed it down before you hit send.

[yes, i’m busy]

Busy contemplating your existence. Your father wasn’t exactly any better. Throwing out each one of your family members until there was only him left. He had no trouble filling that emptiness, simply creating a new family and forgetting you as if you were a chapter of the book called ‘previous life’. You didn’t mind, not after everything he did to you and your mother. There was no need for a person like that in your life but unfortunately it influenced you more than you thought, always seeking validation in either work or relationships because how could you validate yourself after your self esteem had been crushed by this tyrant?

You threw your phone on the table, a clink noise being heard as it hit a bottle, knocking it over but not breaking it. Your parental issues or mental health was for once not the biggest concern in your life, now instead wanting to search for the answers that could explain the nightclub. How did it exist? What caused it to exist and who was behind it? You needed to get back there somehow.

The tv had turned off by itself, you found yourself waking up on the couch, using a pillow as a blanket, hugging the warm material closer to your body as you whined. With confused and lost eyes you scanned the room for a clock, hitting the table a couple of times and finally getting your hands on your phone, bringing it closer to your eyes.

[3:02 am] the digits lit up. You rubbed your tired eyes with your left hand, throwing the pillow on the floor and using the phone display as a torch in the pitch dark room. There was no point in falling asleep again, you had already slept so many hours, sleeping anymore would only make you drowsy the entire next day. You yawned as you staggered towards the bathroom, flicking the lightswitch on the wall and squinting fiercely as you were blinded by the harsh bathroom ceiling light. You put the phone down and quickly caught your reflection in the mirror before you sat down on the toilet to pee, folding a couple of sheets toilet paper in your hand. You yawned again as you flushed, going to wash your hands but once again being amused by your reflection.

That’s not me.

It’s the person I’ve become but never wanted to be.

Your dark circles almost reached your cheekbones, the wounds on your knees still stinging even after hours of peaceful slumber. You poked your tongue out to which the reflection did the same, staring back at you with frizzy hair and puffy eyes from tears. You couldn’t trust it. Mirrors lie you thought and so does every single reflective surface in the entire world. You would never know what you truly looked like and that ignited panic in you, feeling your breath rapidly increasing as you held onto the white cold edge of the bathroom sink.

This happened. Too often. It was the feeling of not knowing yourself or your surroundings. Like you had just appeared in this world, scared and alone. To not know who you are and having to live with yourself til the day you die frightened you. But you didn’t know if death was any better. Sure, the thought was comforting but being buried under layers of soil, having flowers and insects living their best life above you as you simply rotted away wasn’t the solution to all your worries although a moment of eternal peace did sound tempting.

You felt a lump in your throat, trying to cough as if it was some sort of anxiety flem when in reality it was your brain setting up imaginary barricades. Your hair draped in front of your face and with furious eyes you peeked up, seeing your almost demon-like expression and smiling psychotically.

I hate you.

I fucking hate you, y/n l/n.

Your smile was wiped off the moment the room started spinning. Your reflection becomes diffuse in the mirror as if it wasn’t enough not recognising it. A loud gulp made its way down your esophagus as you continued staring at yourself in disgust. You blinked slowly, every time you closed your eyes you saw those rainbow colored specks all around, almost as if they were distracting you from what was happening, like a kaleidoscope for a child. You felt as if the ground started shaking, an earthquake in your personal world that was separated from the real one. Maybe you were going back to the nightclub, to Changbin’s reassuring arms or maybe you we’re really going crazy this time. The specks got bigger, turning into elaborate patterns in neon colors that clouded your vision. You kept eye contact with your reflection for what seemed like forever, despising the person that was staring back, your gaze broken as your eyes rolled back in your skull, your eyes white as if you’d been hexed before you collapsed on the frigid bathroom floor.

“y/n? y/n, wake up!”

The sun dazed your eyes as you woke up on the slightly toasty concrete. Changbin tilted his head as a cigarette was hanging out the corner of his mouth, bright sunlight behind him. He had on a jean jacket with patches from several underground punk and rock bands, his neck was embellished with multiple silver chains and his hair was slicked back, glistening in the heat. He knocked the wind out of you even more, as if passing out in the bathroom wasn’t enough torture.

“oh y/n! you’re awake!”

Chan says, coming closer to you, this time he’s wearing a tanktop that showed off his flawless abs, your mouth watering at the sight. You only then remembered that you looked like a mess, still in your pyjamas that consisted of an old sports event t-shirt and small basketball shorts.

“a-am i in the club again?” you say, rubbing your eyes with both hands before feeling your head pounding a bit, sitting up slowly and feeling the harsh ground beneath you.

“no! you’re at the phone booth, everyone is here now oh and, this is usual how it’s supposed to look.”

After your vision stops blurring you look around, seeing the same alleyway and the same crimson phone booth but being hit with a completely different atmosphere. People were standing in all types of fancy clothes, trendy bright colors, exaggerated makeup and 7 inch platforms. The sun was beaming, it felt like a hot summer day with friends, just like the old days back when you had friends.

“why does y/n always wear pyjamas? don’t you have any cool clothes?” Hyunjin snarks, pushing his blonde hair behind his ears, displaying his dangly silver and black earrings.

“knock it off asshat, the poor girl is probably scared off her mind” Seungmin sneaks up behind the blonde, punching him lightly in the stomach before he smiles sweetly at you. Duality was this man's second name.

“t-thank you seungmin” you said, giving a smile back but being met with a surprised facial expression.

“you remembered my name!” he said, giggling adorably. You gave a small nod before you looked back at Changbin that was drawing a breath from the cigarette, puffing out a white cloud close to your face before waving it away. You noticed how tired Changbin looked, his cheekbones sunken in and his complexion bleak. He stretched out his hand to help you up which you grabbed, the insides between his pointer and ring finger being slightly stained orange from tobacco. You wobbled up on your feet, knees slightly unstable but feeling better from sitting down a while.

“are you alright y/n? i could open that resting room if you want” he said before inhaling smoke once again, spreading in his mouth and intoxicating him. You shook your head.

“i want to see the club, why not while we’re there you know?” you said, smiling brightly and making his heart jump. Changbin hid the grin he so desperately wanted to display by dropping the cigarette bud on the concrete, stepping on it with his heavy boots that had chain details attached.

“alright, whatever you want angel” Changbin sneered which caught the attention of the 7 other boys, all staring at the jean-jacketed boy.

“angel? seems like someone has a crush” Hyunjin remarked making Jisung burst out in laughter.

“says master heartbreaker” Chan said under his breath making Hyunjin furrow his eyebrows, diverting his gaze from Changbin to Chan instead.

“come on you guys! can we not go to the club already?” Felix said, him also wearing a crop top along with a leather chest harness that accentuated his figure. Jisung nodded and made his way towards the phone booth that had droplets of steam on the inside, Felix and Hyunjin following shortly after the squirrel-like boy. You observed the alleyway. People leaning against the grey wall where the phone booth was, either smoking or chatting. Some were standing, others sitting down directly on the concrete, feeling the same heat you felt as you woke up.

With unstable steps you walked towards the phone booth behind all the boys, Changbin staying by your side and waving his hands towards the 7 boys that had somehow crammed into the humid and stuffy metal building, Chan closing the glassdoor as a couple of the boys giggled. You and Changbin stood on the other side of the door, seeing how Chan grabbed the black phone you had once held with cold dirty hands and Seungmin giggling as he took a sip out of the contents in the paper cup, passing it around to the others that did the same.

They disappeared right in front of you. Your mouth stood agape. They didn’t pass out, they just disappeared into thin air, leaving the airless crimson structure empty yet again.

“w-wait, why didn’t they pass out?” you asked, turning to Changbin as you ran a hand through your hair.

“it happens when you’re new. the body isn’t used to the entire,,, universe switch so you will probably pass out this time also but don’t worry, i’ll catch you”

Changbin grinned, opening the door and being hit by the lack of oxygen. He held the door open for you to which you smiled, stepping inside and seeing that the paper cup had been refilled automatically. The door closed behind Changbin, you standing in close proximity to the boy as you lifted the phone slowly, still feeling the warmth from Chan’s hand. The dark haired boy grabbed the brown paper cup, not even looking at the goopy substance before drinking it, seeing his adam's apple bob up and down. You put the phone towards your ear, wondering why you didn’t hear the female automated voice.

“it doesn’t work?” you said with confusion to which Changbin smiled, pressing in the infamous number on the rusty keypad.

[1800-xxx]

“yeah, it doesn’t if you don’t type in the number” he chuckled, holding the paper cup in both hands and leaning against the humid glass.

Suddenly you hear the voice you were dreading the hear.

It reminded you of that night. That dark rainy evening. The voice started to lag, just like it did last time. You hung up and turned around whereupon you saw Changbin handing you the paper cup. You gulped and put your lips on the edge of the cup, looking at him with unease but feeling comfortable with his presence. You tilted the cup, feeling the sweetness trickle down your throat, almost stinging your insides. Changbin smiled, he looked like the typical bad boy from every cliché teen movie but it made your heart flutter, slightly embarrassed at the state of yourself. He pushed away from the glass wall and swiped his thumb across the corner of your mouth, wiping off the sweet liquid and licking it off the tip of his thumb. You stood there, frozen at the sudden action, gazing softly at him.

“you had something there” he chuckled as you started to feel lightheaded again, your eyelids getting heavy.

“thanks” you said shortly, your gaze drifting down on the dirty floor beneath your feet, drifting in and out of consciousness.

Changbin didn’t say anything, catching you mere seconds after you collapsed on the grimy surface. Admiring your heavy eyes and puffy cheeks for a second before he himself disappeared into the abyss.

“One Moscow mule, please!”

An unfamiliar voice shouted through the blasting club music accompanied by what sounded like the shaking off a cocktail shaker. You groaned, your eyes fluttering open and being hit by the beams of a thousand light machines in all sorts of colors.

“Oh y/n!!” Jisung shouted on the other side of the bar, you found yourself sitting on a chair in the corner of the bar, on the same side as Changbin that was working diligently, mixing some concoction into a metal shaker. You rubbed your eyes, yawning and wondering how you could sleep sitting up. You heard Changbin set the metal cup down, telling something to the woman beside him, must be his co-worker you thought. He kneeled down next to the chair you were sitting on, looking up at you with curious eyes.

“how are you feeling?” he asked loudly, trying to overvoice the music.

“im good” you answered back just as loud, the two of you locking eyes. Changbin smiled at you with his tired face, glancing over the glasses that were located beneath the bar.

“you want something to drink?” Changbin said to which you nodded.

“give me anything” you said, messing with your hair and sighing. You felt tired, an urge to sleep despite the loud blaring music. Maybe it was more of an emotional fatigue. A lack of feeling. And that’s usually when you turn to the bottles. Changbin nodded, standing up and returning to his co-worker, starting to grab all kinds of pretty coloured alcohol.

“ay! y/n! come join us!” you heard Felix say, him standing with a glass in his hand, the other boys scattered around the club along with the other troubled individuals. You smiled widely, looking around and noticing the small exit gate connected to the bar. You patted Changbin on the back, him turning around with a grin before you exited through the gate, closing it after you and pushed through the crowd of people, making your way over to the boys.

“y/n, welcome to where you will feel alive” Jisung yelled, spreading his arms and nearly knocking someone in the hand.

It was truly living you thought. Every single way to escape reality was located here whether it would be alcohol, drugs or sex. People dancing and jumping, grinding and rubbing up against each other. In multiple booths there were people making out, touching in unknown places. Many looked outright high, moving as if their body was possessed by some dance god, not knowing how to control their limbs. You could have sworn you saw Seungmin putting a yellow pill in his mouth, smiling mischievously at someone you didn’t know.

So this was letting go.

“y/n! here!” you heard Changbin’s voice call behind you, turning around and seeing him putting a glass of clear liquid onto the stained wooden bar with coasters scattered all around, a couple lime wedges floating around with the ice in the glass.

“vodka tonic, giving you the strong ones” he said, grinning, to which you smiled back, understanding the hint to his personal life through his eyes. The glass was cold against your warm hand since you were in this stuffy environment filled with countless people and without any windows, only a ventilation system that led to nothing. You put the edge of the glass against your lips, taking a sip and swallowing harshly, feeling bitterness that tasted sweet because that’s what alcohol does when it’s consumed on a particularly bitter day. Or life.

The other boys were dancing, Chan mostly hanging around the edges of the nightclub and observing the nightlife. You made your way over to him, taking another sip in order to gain the courage to strike up a conversation.

“Sup? you feeling any better?” he asked before you had the chance to even open your mouth.

“better. why aren’t you enjoying yourself like the others?”

“i mean,,, i’m technically doing my job even though i’m not getting paid for it. i just like to be in charge i guess,,,” he said, getting more and more silent as he spoke. You nodded.

“i do work with stuff in real life as well” he added, to which you raised your eyebrows.

“what do you work with,,, if you don’t mind me asking!” you said, taking another sip of what tasted like Lucifer’s saliva.

“music producer! it’s tiresome but,,, i don’t really need sleep,,, or more like i can’t sleep. lucky there’s energy drinks and naps” he said with a giggle, his dimples displaying as he chuckled, leaning against the black walls of the nightclub.

“must be tough,,, but wait,,, i’ve never heard your music,,, and also shouldn’t you be the DJ then?” you said confused, swirling the liquid in your hand.

“but that’s the thing y/n, all these people, every single person you see in this room lives in another universe”

You gazed at him, Chan looking straight ahead towards the crowd.

“what do you mean by different universes?” you asked to which curly haired boy cocked his eyebrow.

“we will never coexist y/n, when i tell you that we’ve tried to bring our friendships to the real world i really mean it. we will never exist in your life outside of this hub and,,, it sucks.” Chan took a pause before speaking, pondering on what to say next.

“-thats what happened with a friend we had. i’m saying had because we don’t know where they are or what adventures await them. They just,,, disappeared” Chan said mellowly, you humming in response as you took a final sip of the devil’s juice, already feeling your face heating up.

“h-how does one get out of this place,,, forever i mean” you asked, leaning back against the same wall as Chan and looking right ahead as the song changed to a slower, almost psychedelic beat.

“when said person gets help,,, or starts to feel better or when you hit the casket, three options basically” he says with an acerbic smile. “what? Do you like Changbin?” Chan says teasingly. “you’ve been catching glances at him this entire conversation.”

He was right, you had been glancing over at Changbin occasionally, you couldn’t help it. Was it an excuse for you to look at his cute face from a distance or because you cared about him? You laughed it off but Chan turned serious.

“you know that’s it’s not possible.” he says quietly.

“what? what is not possible?”

“a relationship”

You choked on your own saliva, being blinded by the annoyingly bright strobe lights.

“a relat- ya! do you really think I have time for any of that? besides,,, i’m not really interested in Changbin.”

“who said only you should be interested?”

Your eyes widened when Chan said that. No way could Changbin have these weird feelings to you, the feeling shouldn’t be mutual.

“h-has Changbin said something about you?” you asked timidly, gazing over at Changbin that temporarily made eye contact across the club.

“why don’t you ask him yourself? but i’m telling you y/n,, don't get attached, you will get hurt,,, j-just like i did once”

Sure, you understood what Chan meant. Everyone was here for the time being. One day he could disappear if he decided that the life he was living now either isn’t worth it or he takes control and makes something out of it. There comes a time where you are too tired of living the way you do and so you do something about it, no matter if it’s good or bad.

Changbin waved his hand at you, wanting you to join him behind the bar where now Felix was standing and annoying Changbin by tickling him or whispering in his ear as he moved his body with much fluidity. You smiled, waving towards Chan shortly before you once again made your way through the crowd, feeling lightheaded but in a positive way, as if you really were forgetting reality for a moment.

“y/n!! come!!” Changbin yelled, bouncing slightly to the typical house beat that was now playing, barely holding the bottle of gin since Felix was pestering him playfully. Changbin’s co-worker opened the wooden gate for you, smiling sweetly at you and you doing the same back, your gaze drifting down until you notice the red marks around her throat. You were often scared by people. Not by their actions but by their way to cover them up and of course, you were guilty of this too. Looking at these people you would never guess the pain that was going on inside, the surface level happiness really is surface level. You could smile genuinely towards her, you didn’t have to understand everything she was going through but you knew how it was, smiling when bridges are burning in your mind.

Sometimes pretending hurts more.

“Changbin!” you squealed after you had passed by his co-worker, holding the empty glass that was now nothing more but half melted ice cubes and three wedges of bright green lime. Without thinking you put the glass down on his working station and pull him into a tight hug, squeezing your body against his and feeling the warmth radiate off of him. He froze awkwardly in your arms before loosening up, wrapping his arms around you and ultimately taking in your scent that was now mostly pungent with liquor and sleep, a soft scent that Changbin couldn’t get enough off. You felt safe which was rare in a nightclub especially knowing that most people were either high or carrying weapons. But there was something about him that made you feel like home. It felt familiar, like you’d visited his soul. As if the two of you were sharing the same empty house in your heart despite you never letting anyone in, too scared to be hurt again. Maybe you could let Changbin in, maybe he was different.

The hug lasted longer then you thought, his eyes darting all over the stuffy room before he slowly let go, taking a long inhale of the almost addictive smell. The two of you locked eyes, a shy red tinged his cheeks that was only visible due to there being a spotlight just above him.

“can i talk to you for a second?” you asked, rather boldy which was odd. He nodded and grabbed your wrist only to pull you in behind the same black door where you once ended up in, confused and dazed. He let go of you and closed the door behind him, you standing in the middle of the room that now had tiny light standing on the floor, nothing more new then the same old shelfs and black leather couch.

“what did you wanna talk about?,,, figured you maybe wanted to tell me somewhere more quiet”

‘Quiet’ was an overstatement, the music was making the walls shake and even though it was muffled the jumping of hundreds of people could still be heard in the small dark room where you were alone, with him.

“ehm,,, i don’t know really,,,” you stammered, not knowing what else to say.

“is something wrong y/n? Do you need to be alone for a while? i can le-”

“no, thank you,,, i just wanna be with you.” You interrupted him, his eyebrows furrowing when you uttered the last sentence. He stepped closer to you, the soles of his shoes making a pleasant sound against the floor. You lifted your gaze at him, Changbin standing right in front of you. Beauty that could make you drool. His hair was slightly messy, temples sweaty as he had worked and fetched all kinds of bottles for hours, the grey apron marking his title in the nightclub.

“but i’m here with you! Are you playing some sort of prank on me? did chan set this up?” he chuckled with a smirk, throwing a gaze at the door before diverting it back to your glossy eyes.

“n-no,,, Changbin, I want you”

His mind went blank and so did yours.

You don’t know why you said that but it was too late. The cat was out of the bag. It was too late.

“y/n? are you drunk?” he asked, looking at you seriously and putting the back of his hand against your forehead, suspecting you might be getting sick. You shook your head in response.

“no, it was only one drink, you know? i just,,, kinda,, want you”

You grabbed his hand that was still lingering on your forehead and drew it closer to your heart, holding firmly by his wrist. The clothed valleys of your breasts made contact with the rough palm of his hand, Changbin’s eyes still glued to yours. He scoffed loudly.

“and here i was,,, thinking it was some sort of unrequited love”

It felt like his hand turned into thorns, stinging your heart. So he wanted you too.

Changbin’s hand that rested on your boob snaked upwards, grabbing your jaw as he smiled at you briefly, tilting his head and slowly closing his eyes, attaching his rough lips on yours. Your eyes widened before they closed slowly, eyelashes fluttering in a flirty haze. This was how it felt to kiss someone you loved. It was as if a thousand fireworks ignited inside your beating heart, flying and exploding in an array of colors. A pure lightshow.

Your hands made their way to Changbin’s angular face, cupping his cheeks and feeling his sharp cheekbones against the palms of your hands. Your noses accidentally bumped into each other as your heads tilted from left to right, a sensual pace to the kiss to which the dark haired boy chuckled, adding some laughter to the otherwise grave situation that contained the sounds of two lips smooching each other. The music was only adding to the ambiance, Changbin’s hands wandering and exploring territory on your body that was foreign to him but very well-known to you. Your wet tongues danced around to a serenade, his kiss was strong, sure to leave an unforgettable impression on you. You would want him from now on and forever.

You moaned into the kiss as his hands rested on your ass, groping the flesh that was covered by your pyjamas-shorts. This made Changbin cock his eyebrow, pieces of his slicked back hair falling into his face as making him look like a charming 80′s prince. His fingers danced around the elastic band of your pants, fingers hooking and playfully tugging on the string, a silent plea for you to take them off. You smiled against his lips, saliva exchanging in a heavy and steamy kiss, your cheeks growing warmer by the second.

The two figures melted into one as Changbin pulled you closer to his body, feeling his cock poke through the coarse material of his jeans against your lower abdomen. Good to know that he was enjoying this as much as you were. Your hands descended downwards, traveling along his black tight t-shirt, the jean jacket from earlier being god knows where. The contour of his abs made you smirk, you knew what he was hiding beneath these clothes that you ravenously wanted to tear up. You palmed him through his pants, earning a hiss from the male that panted heavily into the kiss.

You broke the kiss, taking a moment to breathe as your lips were separated by a lonely string of saliva. You grabbed Changbin’s wrist, pushing him down on the leather couch as you straddled his lap, feeling his hard-on against your aching wet cunt. You wanted him so bad and here he was, in front of you for only you to devour. Changbin grabbed onto your hips, pinning them down against his cock and leaning forward to reattach his lips on yours, teeth accidentally clicking against each other moments before your sloppy hot tongues met, feeling his tongue against the soft surface of yours. The sound of lips meeting ringed through your ears, your hips grinding against Changbin’s crotch in a steady pace, feeling your neediness grow. Your hands ran along his abdomen, sneaking them up inside his shirt and tugging on the black material of his t-shirt, pulling it above his head. What was hiding underneath his clothes was more than a pleasant surprise. Your lips moved swiftly against his jawline, peppering kisses on his delicate neck as your hands teased the supple skin of his abdomen, feeling the outline of his muscles against your touch.

Changbin placed his hands near your stomach, pulling your oversized sleeping shirt over your head in the same fashion you did moments earlier. You gasped as the fabric danced over your now hardened nipples, freeing your tits. Of course you didn’t wear a bra when you were in the comfort of your own home but you didn’t think anyone would actually undress you, especially not Changbin. He hummed at the sight, cupping your tits in his hands that were covered in metal rings, feeling the coldness against your heated skin. You shuddered, the sensation shooting down to your dripping core. He kneaded them in his hands as you rubbed against his cock, his boner having a visible outline through his pants, you couldn’t help but to fiddle with his belt buckle, undoing it and hearing the clicking sound of the buckle hitting itself. Changbin pulled away from your swollen lips, tapping you on the thigh to step off in order for him to pull his pants down. You moved to the seat next to him on the couch, the leather sticking back as you laid down, lifting your hips up to remove your pyjama pants along with your panties that quickly hid underneath the fussy pants due to it’s rather interesting print, small teddy bears printed on the fabric. You kicked off your shoes, more like slippers that you wore indoors.

Changbin swiftly pulled down his jeans and black boxers in one motion, throwing them close to your pile of clothes at the base of the couch. Your eyes widened, mouth watering at the pure sight of his cock, a pretty bead of precum decorating his slit, contrasting with the crimson shiny tip. A big gulp descended down your esophagus, heat tinging your cheeks. He chuckled from seeing you stare at his member with shiny doe eyes that reflected in the small lamp on the floor.

“You seem,,, intrigued” he chuckled to which you giggled, not believing that you were really in this small room together with him.

“Y-yeah,,, maybe I am” you snarked, moving your gaze to his eyes and smiling. Only on your way upwards his well-sculpted body did you see the boy holding a small blue plastic item. You furrowed your eyebrows when Changbin opened the packet, retrieving a slightly slippery condom from inside.

“Do we even need that?” you laughed before continuing. “I mean if nothing gets transferred to the real world neither should pregnancies or STD’s”

Changbin tsked, rolling the condom onto his veiny cock, turning slightly away from you to avoid your intense eyes.

“Ask Chan, he would know” Changbin said, turning back to you and making his way over to the couch.

“N-no,,, no way.” You shook your head, your mouth agape as your eyes still danced over Changbin’s buff thighs.

“Yup, knocked up a girl” he said, suppressing a laugh. “And that’s why y/n, you never think with your dick”.

“Being completely honest,,, I expected more from Chan, he seems really,,, responsible” you remarked, Changbin hovering over you and placing a soft kiss on your lips, his hands on either side of your figure.

“He is but I think love is his weak spot or more like,,, lack of love. He often confuses love with either sex, money or fame,,, might I even say drugs.”

You simply nodded not knowing what more to add to the conversation, Changbin’s fingers tracing small circles around your nipples, sneaking them down between your legs where your cunt was aching after him. Anything, as long as it was him. His middle- and ring finger dipped into your heat, feeling the wetness between your folds causing you to hold on to Changbin’s sturdy shoulder. Without warning his fingers entered your dripping hole, fingers curling upwards and grazing your g-spot. You flinched, feeling his cold metal rings against your clit. The dark haired boy shushed, reassuring you that you were in safe hands and that he would make you feel good. Nothing else mattered besides you.

His fingers grazed your velvety walls, thrusting up into your cunt with just enough vigor to make you clutch to his bicep, the firm muscles making you swoon. You whined, spreading your legs even wider, your left leg hanging over the leather couch, sticking to your thigh as your body was heating up from arousal. The wet sounds of Changbin’s fingers playing with your cunt along with your soft whimpers were louder than the music outside, you pressing your head back onto the couch, rubbing your hair on the material. Changbin licked his plump lips upon seeing your face contorting into all kinds of lewd facial expressions, his cock needing to feel your warmth wrapped around it. The pad of his thumb played with your clit, laying it flat against the nub and teasing it in small circles causing tears to prickle in the corners of your shut eyes.

“a-are you alright y/n?” he whispered softly in your ear, kissing the shell of your ear. You nodded, your hands cupping your tits, pinching your hardened nipples, adding pleasure and heat to the burning in your core. Changbin pulled out his fingers, putting the slick covered digits in his mouth and watching you with hawk eyes as he lapped up your juices, humming in delight.

“fuck you taste so good angel” he stated, making you blush, covering your face with your hands. Changbin chuckled, tapping the tip of his dick against your swollen clit and aligning himself with your entrance. You moaned from the sensations, wrapping your legs around him to pull him in, you growing impatient the more he teased.

“p-please fuck me Changbin” you said uttered in a faint voice, barely audible due to the music. It was as if his eyes tinged with a dark color, full of lust. His eyes were hooded, looking down at you with half closed lids, sighing loudly with sexual frustration. He wanted to destroy you, make you his but he had to hold onto his composure. Holding you firmly by your hips he slowly pushed the tip of his cock inside you, grunting at the warmness that comforted him. You hissed, biting the inside of your cheek, your nose scrunching up at the feeling of being stretched out by his girthy length.

“can I go all the way? does it feel alright?” he asked. You answered with a small “yes”, more worried about the door being unlocked, anyone could burst through the door in seconds only to witness Changbin fucking you on the couch. That thought was quickly wiped from your mind as his cock stuffed into your cunt, your eyes rolling back into your skull as he slowly thrusts into you, using the hands on your hips as a way to guide him, nailing your cervix with each movement. The tips of his ears turned red, the silver chain around his neck reflecting on the dim light in the room as it rocked back and forward above you. You placed your hands around his wrists, looking boldly into his eyes with, a feeling brewing inside you that was hard to describe. It was titillation mixed with yearning. You knew you got him here. He was safe in your arms. You wanted to save him from everything bad in this world but how is that possible when you can’t even save yourself?

“c-changbin” you said in broken syllables, his thrusts only quickening. “changbin!” you repeated, shutting your eyes tightly, curling your toes in pleasure as a string of pretty moans melodically fell from your mouth along with his name. You couldn’t take it, his cock ramming into you in a both mindful and eager manner causing you to claw at his forearms, nails digging into the soft skin. Your tongues were once again caught in a kiss, the taste of your tongue being irresistible to the boy but not sure if it was your love that was drawing him in or the subtle taste of liquor from earlier. His lips felt parched against your, his tongue gliding on your bottom lip before kissing it, his saliva feeling hot in your mouth. The boy above you pulled away for a moment.

“you’re so pretty like this y/n,, fuck, i think i love you”

You gulped but your silence was soon cut off from Changbin slamming his hips against yours, his cock hitting your that specific spot that made you go crazy, the familiar feeling of your orgasm penting up inside you. You moaned with desperation, the lewd sounds bouncing off the dark colored walls. This was music for Changbin’s ears. His grunts accompanied by your whimpers and the squelching sound of your walls engulfing his dick so tightly, the sounds alone was heaven for him. With every move against your body you felt the well-acquainted smell of cigarettes that you could almost feel in your lungs, an addictive scent.

“i love you too, Changbin” you mumbled, slurring on your words from nervousness, feeling shy even though you were naked in front of him. He smiled, peering down at you as his hair fell from it’s perfect gelled state. You smiled softly at him, his cheeks slowly turning a red that matched his lips. Your moans turned to borderline screams, his cock twitching inside of you as he slowly got closer to his sweet release. Clenching around him, Changbin grabbed bent your legs towards you, gently rolling his head backwards as the pace got quicker.

“i’m g-gonna cum! don’t stop!” you yelped, your heart thumping at the speed of light, tiny sweat droplets forming on your forehead. Changbin reached so deep inside of you causing you to thrash around, fiercely trying to grip to the edges of the couch. The burning in your core got intense, it felt as if a thousand stars were falling at the same time, bursting with amativeness. The sudden feeling of warmth took over your body, a pleasant tingle surging. A breathy moan leaving you stunned, grabbing onto Changbin’s hands that were pushing your knees towards you. Just as your orgasm washed over you like a ton of bricks falling to the ground, your body jolted with the last couple of powerful thrusts, a loud gasp slipping from his lips. His girthy cock released it’s seed into the condom, his hot breath lingering near you.

He let go of your quivering legs, them flopping down on either side of him. Your chest heaved up and down as you breathed through your parted lips. Changbin pulled off, carefully removing the condom and discarding it somewhere on the floor. He snuggled close to you on the narrow couch, pressing his sweaty body against yours, taking a moment to catch his breath before speaking.

“So you love me too?” he chuckled. You turned to face him, looking deep into his dark brown eyes that looked pitch black in the dim light. After a loud exhale you answered him.

“No, I think I can’t live without you” you whispered, rubbing the tip of your nose against his. His stable breath tickled against your chin, your eyes slowly closing as Changbin was observing your features that he found insanely attractive. And it was even more attractive that you were his. But this couldn’t last.

“You know this is not possible y/n” he said with sadness in his voice as he gulped, his adams apple protruding. You knew it, the thing you dreamt of wasn’t possible since the two of you didn’t exist in each other's worlds.

“I feel fucking stupid” you said with closed eyes, sighing after your words. Changbin shook his head.

“Don’t give up that easily y/n, we can try”. He was right but what relationship was only visible in the darkness of a nightclub? Only a promiscuous one. Yet, you didn’t want to give up. Not matter what kind of relationship it was you wanted to be with him.

“So,,, what does that mean? That we are-”

“Dating, I guess” he added shortly, the corner of his lips lifting upwards. It sounded weird in your ears. Dating someone you had only met a couple of times but it felt right. This was where you belonged. In his arms, away from all your demons. He truly cared for you, not like the others. He was unlike those in your life that said that they cared but never wanted to know more than the surface level of your character. He wanted to know everything about you. Your hurt, your sorrows, your pain but also your happiness, your joy and your solace. He wanted to know you.

Your hands trailed up and down his upper arms, his skin feeling soft against your touch. The two of you cuddled like this for a while, Changbin running his hands along your hair, its smell reminding him of a green meadow of millions of flowers in all shapes, colors and sizes. He didn’t want to leave but if he wasn’t back in the bar the boys would start looking for him and the last thing he wanted was 7 boys teasing him for getting it on. You were more than a hookup. More than just a fling.

Changbin stood up, squinting his eyes in order to look for his clothes and finding them scattered all over the room. He pulled his underwear and jeans over his lower body before pulling his shirt over his top half, the black t-shirt sitting snugly around his muscles. He ran a hand through his dark hair, shaking his head before smirking at you. Such a tease.

“Do you have to leave?” you asked with a whiny voice, your arms felt empty once again. He nodded.

“i’m afraid so, don’t want them thinking I've been transported back without them knowing, they get worried but that’s only natural I guess.”

You nodded back, putting your cheek against the leather on the seat, your arm hanging straight down, the back of your hand limp against the floor.

“Get dressed if you want to have some more fun or you can chill here for a moment but I have to warn you, that door doesn’t have a lock” Changbin said, pointing at the only door in the room.

“i’ve already noticed that” you remarked, grabbing your panties and only after you’ve pulled them halfway up your thigh did you see Changbin smirking at you.

“You’re cuter than I thought” he said, pointing at your teddy bear panties with his chin, stepping closer to you. You looked away, biting your lip in embarrassment as you felt his hand on your hair, ruffling it sloppily.

“You’re making fun of me!” you said back with a pout, pulling your pyjama pants over your bottom.

“yeah, because you’re adorable” he said, placing a peck on your lips. You wanted more of him. He was simply addictive.

But not even this universe wanted to see you two together.

Your eyelids got heavier, your eyebrows furrowing at the familiar yet distant feeling. It felt unknown until you saw the small specks clouding up your vision once again.

“y/n? y/n, how are you?” Changbin said with worry, grabbing you by your shoulders and looking at your apathetic gaze. “N-no, y/n, don’t leave now”

You didn’t want to but you didn’t decide when you left.

You harshly held Changbin in your arms, putting your forehead against his shoulder, rubbing against it. Changbin slowly put his hands around you, patting your back as salty tears rolled down your warm cheek, putting wet stains on his shirt.

“shh,,, it’s ok y/n, are you feeling dizzy?” he asked carefully to which you nodded mellowly, your bottom lip quivering as the multicolored boxes of light flashed before your eyes. The room felt unstable, like your legs wouldn’t hold you much longer and they didn’t when you collapsed into Changbin’s arms, him holding you tightly to his chest as your knees buckled. Your voice was unstable, a silent cry pleading to be heard.

“I love you” you whispered in a frail voice. The ear-deafening music from outside was tuning out from your hearing, your words slurring at the end as you repeated yourself for the last time.

“I love y-you”

Changbin was left hugging air, his arms empty as he opened his sparkling eyes. He was close to tears because he was left there. Without you.

“HEY! WHERE IS- oh”

Jisung burst through the black door, the six other boys standing close behind him as they looked around the room, eventually catching eye contact with Changbin.

“She went home” Changbin said softly, letting his arms fall to the sides. Jisung inched closer to him, patting him on the shoulder where your tears were still left as a souvenir of your love.

“She’ll come back, don’t worry about it” Jisung said with a reassuring smile, leading Changbin to the door, out of the room that smelled like sex and tenderness.

“Euw,, what is this doing here? Does nobody know how to clean up?” Felix said pointing at the used condom on the floor. Changbin’s face went cold, stopping dead in his tracks.

“is it yours or something Changbin?” Hyunjin laughed, pushing the youngest, Jeongin, in a fit of laughter.

The room went quiet after Hyunjin’s cold laughter. It was pretty obvious.

“YOU FUCKED HER?” Jisung screamed in Changbin’s ear, making him flinch away and holding his ear in pain. The room filled with all sorts of teasing sounds, everything from “ooh~" to “AYE” in obnoxious voices.

“Luckily he used a condom!” Minho snarled, glancing over at Chan that was ready to beat Minho into pulp. Chan sighed, regretting that he didn’t shove the condom in Minho’s smirky face.

“No but seriously you guys, y/n is more than you think. It’s not just another person I fucked, she actually means something to me.”

Just when Changbin thought he had something special some of the boys started laughing even harder, ruffling his hair and poking his cheeks.

“yeah right,,, what? are you guys dating or something?” Seungmin asked, rolling his eyes.

“yes, i’m serious you guys! I love her,,,” he said with a frown, already missing your touch.

“What idiot gets into a relationship 3 months before they have to go to rehab?” Minho says, retrieving a cigarette from the red packaging in the pocket of his leather jacket.

Oh fuck.

Rehab.

When someone recovers from their pain is when you disappear from the club. You are no longer a lost soul. You are no longer lost within yourself. And that’s when you return to the real world, your real world.

Keeping secrets in a relationship was deceitful in Changbin’s eyes. If you belong to someone you should be as transparent as the liquor he poured into his ice cold glass every evening. He felt guilty. You poured your heart out for him, telling him everything that had hurt for so many years and here he was, pretending. He did that a lot, mainly because he was taught to be a reliable man. It wasn’t manly to feel.

Which is why he left his home at a young age. He didn’t care if he worked a minimum wage job and lived in a destitute area, he was content as long as he didn’t live with his parents. But when you live alone it’s not rare that isolation creeps up on you and strokes your cheek with a feather light touch, inviting you over to a dance with the demons that would soon cloud up your mind. Alcohol was Changbin’s comfort. It was the only one that didn’t fail to reassure him. It was as if the bottles spoke to him, promising him that a life intoxicated was better than the life he was currently living.

And he fell for it.

Every time.

He couldn’t take it anymore, he wanted to live a life that is actually worth living. Change comes from within but he needed help and he had only recently realized that he had a problem, that these toxic liquids were what’s keeping him from chasing the dream life. He didn’t dream of much, just the average life would be more than enough, with someone he loved.

But what was he supposed to do?

Take the step to recover or continue his addiction for the sake of being with you?

The demons whispered softly in his ears.

Life or Love?

Taglist ; @minholuvs @liz820 @skztrashbag @lix-freckle3

207 notes · View notes

wonhoarctic · 3 years

Text

flash | lee hoseok (wonho)

word count: 2.2K

resquest: hii! may i request a wonho angst fic, please? 🥺🥺 thank you in advance!! (i've translated to english)

a/n: hi love! ofc you can, here's your request, by the way, i hope you like it!! ah, and you don't need to be like this with me, we're friends!! (i was going to write it in portuguese but idk if there are people who use to read this, and i did something with ain't about you and with you, that are your favorite songs!! <3

pairing: idol!wonho x idol!fem reader

genre: angst, but with some fluff and smut undertones

contains: wonho can't help but remember about you, lee y/n, the love of his life, his wife and the mother of his beautiful daughter, in the middle of an online concert he's holding, specially when performing his new song flash, which was made just or you (the songs are not in order of albuns!! it's all mixed)

flashbacks are in italic!!!

tw// death, car accident, sasaengs!!

the concert started out with the 'smutty songs', so he wouldn't cry at the beginning, but he couldn't help but remember about when he wrote with you, thinking about you two, loving each other until the morning, or having some rough sex, it depended on the mood, but it was about you two, and he couldn't help but remember; your blissed out face, the sounds you made just for him, mewls, whimpers and moans, just for him, the love bites and scratches you leaved on his skin at hidden places so no one would figure out, your scent, your taste... everything came back to his mind in that moment

hoseok wished he could be at least turned on from the memories he had, but he was broken, he couldn't be nothing but sad remembering about his love, his sweet y/n, who's not here anymore to comfort him after a bad day, to take care of him when he's sick, to make love to him, to kiss and cuddle, to cook his favorite ramen flavors, and to help him to take care of your newborn baby, to help him to change diapers when he don't know what to do, to see you breastfeeding the sweet embodiment of your love... how he wished you were there at that moment, he couldn't believe that you'd left him, that you had left your family

he swore he lost his energy after singing open mind, thinking that he couldn't handle that anymore, he just wanted to lay on the ground and cry, hoping you could hear him and come to cuddle and comfort your husband, but wonho knew you wouldn't come

when lose started to play, he smiled a bit while singing, remembering how you got moody when you entered the set to support him and saw your man hugging the actress by behind, the same way he used to do with you while cooking or doing something important, or when he wanted to talk with the baby during your pregnancy

your pouty face was the death of him, he remembered exactly the texture of your lips on his when he was saying how sorry he was

"you're not going to say a word to me, baby?" you shook your head no "okay, so..." he leaned forward to kiss you, taking care of your growing stomach "do you forgive me now?"

"u-ugh, fine" you blushed, hearing his giggle "but please, do it with me the next time" you laughed

"i swear that in my next mv, you'll be the actress, and our little princess needs to be there too, right?" he smiled

when the sexy concept songs ment ended, a vcr came out, and he made sure to include you on the behind the scenes of the concert, the few last clips of you two together, you helping him with choreographies and figurines, a long video of you guys choosing the right outfits for open mind mv (yeah, he did some of them without the help of his staffs) playing while he changed and prepared himself to the other ment

when lost in paradise started to play, while he sang, hoseok couldn't help but remember that day in which he asked you to marry him, he asked you to be the woman of his life, and he also remembered about your wedding day, smiling widely while thinking about when the two of you started a life

'i got a feeling it's you' said the lyrics, and yes, he got that feeling, and he was completely right, it was you, the love of his life

the wedding ceremony has ended, you two were at a hill, even though he has acrophobia, he insisted to have a wedding at that place, he felt safe in your arms, and now, the two of you looked at the place, seeing the lake below you, and the beautiful view you had from the little forest, his hands still on your hips

"how does it feel to be finally my wife, love?" he smiled

"i feel like... i feel like this is all a dream" you said, caressing the hand on your hip with your other one "and i don't want to wake up. never."

he smiled widely, turning to face you, his hand still in your hip, while the other one caressed your face, carefully wiping the joyful tears that escaped from your eyes, trying his best not to ruin your makeup

"i wanted this dream to come true so bad... i feel like i'm in paradise now" he said "and i'm so happy that our dream finally came true, y/n, i love you so much, and i'll love you forever" he whispered, kissing you

yes, it was true, maybe he was really lost in paradise with you, but now, you weren't there anymore, just memories about you

even losing you seemed to have a different meaning now..... how he wished he could be there to save you, he wanted to protect you

now, it was the interview time, and he wasn't all smiley like before, and the interviewer wasn't helping that much

"so, wonho-ssi... some of your fans noticed that you're not smiling too much today... what happened?" she asked him

"i wasn't going to talk about it, but i can't hide it from wenees anymore..." he sighed "it's just that... every single thing i do here remember me from y/n, my lovely wife, who's not here anymore"

"and what happened to her?" the interviewer didn't seemed to be aware of the situation

"there might be some wenees who don't know what happened... okay, i'll explain" he felt himself getting braver to talk about what was making he lose his sleep "i've hid about my relationship with y/n for about 7 years, but when we got married, i knew lots of fans would talk about it, so our relationship became public... how could i hide this from my precious wenees? i wanted my fans to know about my family" he felt the tears starting to run on his cheeks "i was so happy when i announced that she was pregnant... i thought wenees would be happy, too, but unfortunately, some of them started to become aggressive towards y/n" he was sobbing, even the interviewer couldn't held her tears, starting to feel guilty by asking him that "some obsessive fans started to stalk her when eunbi turned 5 months old and she started to sing again... and near to our princess' 11 month anniversary, when y/n was coming back from mcountdown, some of those wen..." he corrected himself "those sasaengs collided with her car, they were at a high speed, so it was a huge accident, and she didn't resisted..." he was angry, sad, he couldn't help but cry "i couldn't thank her to be with me, to be the mom of my precious daughter... i couldn't say a last 'i love you'... the last thing we did together as artists was the ain't about you mv... and that morning, the last thing she did before going out was to feed our baby girl, and kiss me..." i miss her so much... please, y/n, come back to me... the police had arrested those girls already, but please... say that you love me one more time" all he could do was cry

the staffs thought about ending the concert without an encore, but he insisted to sing the song he wrote for you, flash, while calming himself when the cameras were off

hoseok saw eunbi, his now one year old daughter sleeping while a staff kept an eye on her, he smiled, his eyes were still red and swollen, his face was puffy, so the baby seemed to notice, even if she was still half asleep when her dad held her tightly in his arms, she managed to grab his nose while smiling with the pacifier still in her mouth, her other hand holding the bunny plushie her mom gave her in the 10 months old birthday

"my sweet eunbi" he cooed "daddy will sing a song for mommy today... will you sing with me?" the baby smiled, her pacifier almost dropping, but wonho put it back in her mouth as soon as he could

he kissed her forehead, and then, started to retouch his makeup and change the jacket, holding eunbi in his arms again, going back to the stage

he grabbed the mic, knowing that they were on air, the first public appearance of his daughter, a beautiful moment, even if it was melancholic

Tonight I am still standing In the middle of nowhere, not knowing how you’re feeling I’m trying to find you because I was the only one who didn’t know When and where it went wrong like a fool I want to turn back time and stop it An endless flash, my love for you

while singing, he meant each one of those words, his love for you would be infinite, he'd never stop loving you, or the huge present you left him — a precious daughter, and photos of the two of you were passing through the big screens behind him, photos of your family, wedding day, honeymoon, selcas... everything he had to remember from you

The day I hugged you for the first time The day that will never come again I repeat the words alone, I love you

all he wanted to do in that moment was for you to be there, to sing with him, both of you holding your daughter, smiling... being a happy family, suddenly, he remembered that day, wishing he could turn back time to the day of your first hug, he wanted to hold you in his arms forever

You shined on me like a lighthouse When I was on my own and lost my way, flash You were shining, flash Will I ever forget you? I miss you You held me like a hero When I was unknown, tired and collapsing, flash You were warm, flash Will I ever find you again? I miss you

you were his light, when someone broke him, when he got into those scandals, when he couldn't go back to his fans, you were the one there, you were his flash, helping him to find the way back home, to give him the love he deserves

You left me and I’m the only one here I call you but there’s no answer, what else can I do? I thought I cared for you more than anything But it was my mistake, how hard was it for you? Come back to me please, give me one more chance Shine on me beautifully like you’ve always did I know bae gone be the last time This is how I’m feeling If I can see you one last time, one love

he was calling you even now, his mind was wandering back to all the memories he had with you, his one and only love, but you weren't going to answer him, you couldn't just come back from the dead

The day I let you go from my arms The day that will never come again I repeat these words alone, I want to see you

suddenly, hoseok felt guilty again while singing this part, he shouldn't let you go from his arms that morning, he should've faked being sick, or anything he could just for you to be home and live a little more

You’ve given me so much I still have more to give you back We can’t stop like this If I have one more chance

he wanted to do all he could for you, but you wouldn't be there to see it, and he would never be able to give back all the love and support you gave him, so he was doing his best to be happy for you even tho he's broken, he needed to be strong for his daughter

You left me and I’m the only one here I call you but there’s no answer, what else can I do? The shining flash, yeah Now I can be your destiny Like I’m your everything? If you’re in my arms, I won’t let you go The flash will be shining on us I’m waiting for the day you smile again

he felt the tears teasing his eyes again, but he held them back this time, ending the song with a smile, playing with the baby in his arms, hearing eunbi's loud laugh, filling his heart with some joy, finally, and he truly smiled, laughing with her

"y/n, i love you! thank you for giving me everything!" was the last thing he shouted before ending the concert

even when you're not there anymore, he felt as if he was being the most loved man in the earth by you and your daughter

#monsta x imagines #monsta x scenarios #monsta x x reader #monsta x fluff #monsta x angst #monsta x wonho #wonho #wonho angst #wonho fluff #wonho scenarios #wonho imagines #wonho x reader

90 notes · View notes

peppersteakss · 3 years

Text

(hello i come with a little dsmp christmas oneshot, enjoy)

“tommy!! wake up!!”

the raspy whisper coming from ghostbur caused tommy to slowly open his eyes, only half awake from his slumber. the first thing he noticed other than the obvious ghostbur standing over him was how cold his room had gotten overnight, despite the fire from the torches.

“ghostbur,” he spoke in a groggy tone, “what are you doing here? what time is it?”

“it’s about dawn - and i wanted to spend the holiday with my brothers, of course!” ghostburs tone was cheery as usual as he stared down at tommy.

“the holiday?” tommy sat up, even more confused as he rubbed his eyes awake.

“tommy, have you forgotten? i’ve reminded you everyday for the past week, it’s christmas! i even got you a gift!” tommy sat with no reaction as ghostbur held out some blue for his brother.

“sorry i didn’t get you anything, ghostbur. i forgot,” tommy lied. he hadn’t forgotten - he wanted to, though. it was the first christmas he’d be spending without his whole family and his best friend (which is not a a reality any teenager would want). he figured there was no point in celebrating christmas, at least for this year.

“that’s alright - it’s not the gifts that matter most, what matters most is that we get to spend christmas together! techno, you, and i! just like the old days!!” ghostburs tone was always one that lifted spirits, and today would be no exception. and although tommy still felt uneasy about the day, he climbed his latter with a little more pep in his step.

tommy noticed the sun was still coming up when he reached ground level, but the lack of natural light didn’t stop his vision from seeing white flurries flying about. sure, it was always snowy, but he’d never actual seen it snowing out in the arctic. that explains why his room was so cold, and just at the thought of his room and the snowflakes falling outside - he started to shiver. arms shaking, teeth chattering, clutching tightly onto the blue that ghostbur had just given him.

ghostbur then gasped. “i’d almost forgotten!” he quickly pushed open the door and ran out of the house and was back in a few seconds, holding a small wrapped box. tommy stared at it with confusion as ghostbur extended it towards him. “go on, take it! it’s for you! i give you blue all the time, so i got you something else as well!”

tommy felt a tinge of guilt as he took yet another gift from ghostbur, he’d have to think of something to give to him by the end of the day. he held his breath as he opened the box, expecting more blue despite the specters words.

“it matches your hair, and the walls of your room!” ghostbur spoke, as tommy pulled out a yellow bandana. it was soft and clean, unlike the green one he wore around his neck. “i also added some yellow patches and thread if you wanted to fix up the green one!”

tommy looked up, wide eyed, not knowing what to say. he stammered a bit, his arms open - ghostbur took this as an opportunity to hug his brother. tommy flinched, hesitant at first - not only was ghostbur ice cold to the touch, he just wasn’t used to human touch anymore - but eventually, he hugged back. he closed his eyes and rested his head on ghostburs shoulder, it almost felt like when they were kids. he managed to mumble a simple ‘thank you.’

tommy flinched only slightly when he heard the latter behind him creek, turning only a little as not to let go of ghostbur. “techno! merry christmas!!”

ghostbur pulled away from tommy, going back outside to retrieve something - at least that was tommy’s guess. he turned and saw techno at one of his chests, pulling out a few wrapped boxes of his own.

‘please let those all be for ghostbur and phil,’ tommy thought, feeling guilt build up inside him yet again.

ghostbur came back and slammed the door shut behind him, another box in hand - much smaller than the one he gave to tommy. it was wrapped in blue, with a pink bow (not christmasy, but very much techno).

techno saw ghostbur and ended up only pulling one box from the chest, wrapped in yellow. the twins quickly exchanged their gifts, ghostbur waiting while techno opened his gift.

“it matches your new everything!” inside the small box was a dangly earring with a snowflake at the end. techno smiled in content as he put it on, now waiting for ghostbur to open his gift.

ghostburs smile widened as he made a squeak of joy, pulling out a small blue sheep plushie. “friend!” techno let out a chuckle as he walked back to the chest, grabbing two larger boxes - one wrapping in green and the other wrapped in red - and walking to tommy, who’s guilt had only built up as techno got closer.

“phil would’ve wanted to give this to you himself, but...” techno paused for only a moment, “he’s obviously not here. he’d want you to have it, anyways.” and with that, techno handed tommy the box wrapped in green.

tommy hesitantly grabbed the box, carefully unwrapping it as if he were on the lookout for some sort of prank or sick joke. he opened the box, revealing the contents inside to be a blue mantle and boots - similar to the ones both techno and phil donned.

“he had a hunch you’d be here at some point,” techno said, as tommy stared in awe at the contents. “you’re also have nothin’ to keep you warm out here, so that’s that. and if for some reason you don’t like the blue,” techno then handed tommy the red box, “there’s this - this ones from me.”

tommy was less hesitant now as he grabbed the red box, unwrapping and opening it to reveal technos red mantle.

tommy felt overwhelmed as he looked techno in the eyes. “techno, you didn’t-“

“i don’t need it anymore. and i’d rather give it to someone who might use it than to just let it collect dust or throw it away. besides that point, gettin’ frostbite or hypothermia isn’t ideal at the moment - look at you, you’re shiverin’ right now,” techno said, as he grabbed the blue mantle and quickly wrapped it around tommy.

now overwhelmed with the weight of the mantle on his shoulders, tommy looked at techno with guilt in his eyes. “i didn’t even get you anything.”

“so what? i don’t care,” techno said, quite nonchalantly. “just don’t take my gapples and we can call this even.”

the guilt left tommy��s eyes, and he began to chuckle. the chuckle turned into a giggle, and the giggle turned to a hardy laugh mixed with choked sobs - he grasped tightly onto all of his gifts, and mentally he held onto the feeling he felt right then and there, happiness. pure, unfiltered, and utter happiness.

“h-here i was, thinking that this year just wouldn’t be the same - and t-truth be told, it i-isn’t - but,” tommy let out another laughing sob, “i thought it’d be way worse.”

“why’s that?” techno asked.

“well, for s-starters - wilbur is a ghost. then i lost my best friend, something happened with d-dream, and now p-phil’s stuck in l’manberg. on an o-outside perspective, that sounds p-pretty shit t-to me.”

tommy let out a squeak as he received his second hug of the day - this time from techno. he didn’t move and inch, his eyes wide, his crying coming to a halt.

“none of that matters right now. we’re gonna get things back to how they were, we’ve discussed this. but it’s christmas - don’t worry so much. today is the only day i can say with full confidence that nothing bad will happen, nothing will go wrong.” techno said, his voice stern yet still comforting to his younger brother. and after a moment, tommy clung to him - sobbing and wailing. he hadn’t had a proper cry like this since... since... he can’t even remember.

for a while, tommy and techno just stayed like that, and tommy realized that this was the first time techno had ever really hugged him - despite being brothers. but it was nice, his embrace was similar to that of their fathers. and after another while, ghostbur joined in.

and so the brothers sat, hugging on christmas day.

#dream smp #dsmp #wilbur soot #ghostbur #l’manberg #l’manburg #technoblade #tommyinnit #philza #philza minecraft #mcyt fanfiction #mcyt #pogtopia #antarctic empire #christmas #oneshot

149 notes · View notes

astdesu-blog · 6 years

Note

Because I am evil, all of the cute asks for Cute Ast.

SO EVIL. But here you go. ♡

♡ cute asks ♡

angel; do you have a nickname?

Mmm, I don’t. My name already is a nickname!

awe; how old are you?

22 years old… ;;

baby; favorite color?

I can’t choose between black and purple!

bloop; spirit animal?

According to a test, it’s a sheep…!

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

My fave song is NEO SCREAM from BORN

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

Winnie the Pooh. And still are, too…

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

Precious memory… Don’t have the most precious, but I really liked the time we was allowed to have a cat at the orphanage. He was really cute.

bright; mermaids or fairies?

Fairies, I think!

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

I do! Best friend and also my co-worker!

buttercup; showers or baths?

Baths, with bath bombs!

butterfly; dream destination?

Any place that has beautiful old architectures! Like… Gothic architecture!

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

Spiritual, so to say.

calm; favorite scent?

All the sweets scents!

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

I don’t remember what I dreamed… The last one I remember is a few days already.

charming; have you ever been in love?

Yes, I have.

cozy; eye/hair color?

Eye are dark brown, my hair is dark brown too but with blonde strands.

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

Mmm… Up my 18, I think.

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

I’ll say that it is a cactus because I have one and its already so cute!

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

Nothing like parties, but cute messages and also a super special present. ♡

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

My guitars! Literally, the most precious ones.

cutsie; what makes you happy?

Sweets, discovered recently that hugs and kisses too.

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

The day I really felt free was when I realized that I was setting up my own place, with the few things I could buy. Living by myself was like a dream and when I could finally do it, it was the greatest sensation of freedom I had on my chest, for days. Refreshing.

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

Oh, mhmm… The boy who was a passionate guitarist with so much dreams that (luckily in the future) he can achieve!

daylight; favorite album of all time?

BLACK THEORY MANIA from BORN!

dear; zodiac sign?

Gemini!

delightful; concerts or museums?

Concerts, but… Museums too. Both are cool!

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

I can’t remember if I did it. Probably not.

dobby; dream job?

As a guitarist. Again, and again!

doll; how do you like to dress?

Comfy clothes but that also feels and looks… nice. Well, in the summer only t-shirts, there is no way we look very nice in the summer. w

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

Sadly, none of them. I am really up for it, but… ;;

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

I do have! And wanna do more as well! Already got 5!

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

Of course. The universe is so big, can’t believe that exist only humans around.

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

Mmmmm… This person has a big heart. A big heart that I want to be in, actually. A unique person, so talented and beautiful, a real inspiration for me and so many others. Always has good advice and is also so lively and refreshing to be around, it’s like… It’s like a compilation of childish souls, this is really so good to be around and feel it. A person who, with patience and subtlety, won my heart with every word they said, every gesture they made, every cute anon ask who sent me and I keep it deary inside my heart. The title of the question is a bit embarrassing, but I think it already applies.

fairy; do you have a pet?

I don’t, but when I’ll get a chance I really want a kitty.

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

Mmm, ocean!

forever; where do you feel time stop?

At their side. A truly new experience.

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

I’m being a good owner! It’s been months since I’ve had them and they’re still alive and healthy.

garden; how many languages do you know?

My native one and a little of English. Really only a little.

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

Those with monochrome themes with beautiful images!

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

Can I say tattoos because of myself…? w

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

I do like them, sometimes they are a bit… strange, but ne.

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

Oh. Mmm.

• Tattoos• My ability to play guitar• My music taste• My hair• … mm, my eyes, maybe…

heart; silk or lace?

Silk, I think…?

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

Both of them! Also, both really sweet, coffee not too hot as well as tea, but ice tea too.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

Eh… I enjoy not being watched. w

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

Any music on my earphones! I can sleep with music but not with noises.

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

Not too hot, not too cold.

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

Now, I work on weekends, so I like to sleep when I am home.

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

Giggle more.

kinky; do you blush easily?

So, so, sooo much easily. I hate it…

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

Mmm… I think it is holding hands.

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

Night!

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

When I am sad… Maybe D'espairsRay.

love; what is your favorite season and why?

Fall, it is magical and so, so comfy. Not too hot neither too cold. The perfect balance.

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

All flavors! All sweet forms!

magic; what are five flaws you have?

• Being stuck in the past;• But also be pulled constantly into the future;• Feel too much;• Don’t notice many things from other people for being afraid to look around;• Not having more tattoos. w

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

Cool darks!

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

Mmm….. All that they already have….

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

Anywhere, with anything, but with the right people.

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

Games, games. Sweets, games, sweets. Games!

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

Despite all the bad things that have happened and are likely to happen, you will never be alone, someone will be there to help you and show you new paths, new visions. They can stay or not, but then you’ll find someone again.

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

I do like both!

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

Strange. A bit out of form…

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

I do, my precious and lovable guitar!

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

First, crying. It’s a little automatic. If I get a big wave of stress I will cry. And of course, sweets to help!

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

Mmm, apple, strawberry, broccoli…

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

Eh… I can’t remember it, the last one…!

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

My independance!

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

In a good way, I think it was Axkey. I learned a lot by being a bandman.

shine; art or music?

Both, it is… complementary!

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

Neighborhood kittens seem to like me, so, yes!

smitten; do you collect anything?

Winnie the Pooh plushies… Not so adult, but…!

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

A single pillow if the plushies don’t count.

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

Can’t choose it. Never! All candies.

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

I don’t have one.

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

I do! Most necklace.

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

Sunset.

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

When I am home I listen to without headphones.

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

Can’t rembember a specific one. We’ll weren’t allowed to watch much TV.

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

My bedroom/living room. A bookshelf full of games, manga and CD’s, my little space for makeup and all those things, my bed with my plushies. A comfortable rug, not a big sofa, but a big TV and also a PC!

soothe; digital or vinyl?

Digital.

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

The special ones…!

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

Mhm, I think the main thing would be to be honest and have compassion.

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

A bit of the two…!

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

Definitely not.

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

A little, so to say. When I was in the orphanage I had a tendency to protect the younger children, but after I lost contact with this reality, I don’t know how I feel about it anymore. Probably don’t want to.

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

There are people, yes, but don’t want to tell who~

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

About my personality I don’t know what to say, but about my body: my tattoos!

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

The shy one who always has to be pushed into things, as he never goes by himself…

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

Messages.

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

Night owl!

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

I would like if I could be invisible!

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

Stuff at home. Comfy clothes and the bed always near me…!

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

I do! Not so frequently like when I was on a band, but still do it.

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

Tidy, I like the things on its place.

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

Talking about a city, yes. I grew up in Tokyo and I still live here. But talking about a place, definitely not.

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

Yes and the most cool thing is that… happened!

#angelprince-takamiy #thank you!!!

3 notes · View notes

scentedblperfection · 3 years

Text

Engraved on My Life: Prologue

LUIS P.OV

Year 2012

I can see her -- her eyes are swollen as tears continuously drips out from her eyes. I felt a deep pain inside my chest, deeper than the oceans that I had dived before. I want to look at her and explain to her everything but it was too late. I could never atone the suffering that I inflicted at her, she was already hurting yet I had opened another wound.

"Tine" I said

" D--Did I do something so bad to deserve this .... Why?!" she mumbled as her voice trembles

"I'm sorry, I- I really am"

My head was looking at my feet, unable to face my wife who is in sorrow. I sat down in our bed and cried. "Where had it gone wrong" I thought as I was reminiscing my past. I have followed everything that everybody wanted me to be, perfectly. Every path that my father had told me to follow, I followed and tried my very best to achieve it because I thought that it would lead me to a happy life. So, where had it gone wrong?

Tine eventually stopped crying. She approached me elegantly and sat besides me. I wish I had enough strength to face her and give her a proper explanation but how can I do that when even I don't know what is happening to my life. Her next actions completely left me in shock -- She hugged me, her hands touching mine, her face leaning at my back, and tears started flowing out from her eyes all over again.

"No, I'm sorry -- I was selfish" she said

I was confused even more this time. What did she mean? Aren't I the one who failed and disappointed her? Why is she saying that she was selfish? All this thought kept rumbling inside my head. Maybe she was just comforting me -- that's it, maybe that was the reason because why would she say sorry if she haven't done anything wrong, right? It just doesn't make any sense. She started talking again and it made me anxious.

"I have always known from the start but I still pushed "us" together. You are a good guy, Luis. You may not know it but you weren't in the wrong for what happened today, You were just in the wrong path" she said

"I've always thought that we would be happy, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't see this coming" she added

She freed me from her tight hug and her deep rose tinted lips kissed my cheeks. Was it her goodbye? Whatever it was, that kissed left me bursting in tears. She didn't deserved to suffer especially to a nonsensical reason, whatever it may be, she was so good to me -- but, why aren't I stopping her? Why aren't I begging her to stay to me?! Why! I felt so dumb! Am I really losing her without even knowing to myself what was the reason why our love is dying?

"Tine, I--" she stopped me from talking and said

"I know you would be happier once I freed you from my hands. I'm sorry for making you suffer for such a long time, Lui"

My mind was lost and next thing I know, I said one of the most embarrassing things that I could ever say.

"M-Maybe, someday, We could still stay friends?" I stuttered

"Friends!" I kept shouting inside my head, "Why the fuck would I say that!" I thought. I didn't want her to be just a friend, I want her by my side, right? I was confused more than ever and I was clueless on how to handle the situation and again all I can do is look at my god damn feet. I was terrified at what she may think of me after I said that cliche "friends" line -- for goodness sake we were married!

Unexpectedly, she laughed and seated in a fetal position and looked at me in the eye. Her laugh brought me peace. She wasn't mad at all, her eyes are filled with a sense of satisfaction.

"We are already married yet you still said if we could be "friends". Are you serious?" she said while laughing

I was so ashamed of what I said. "Let the meteor fall at me and save me from this embarrassment" that's what I kept thinking. Looking at her, she looked like she was dying from laughing but her laughter also made me smile despite the situation.

"Of course we could, just give me some time. Is that alright?" she added I just nod and gave her a half-baked smile

"Gil would be so proud" she said while smiling towards me

Gil? -- that name caught me completely off guard. It was a name that I haven't heard for such a long time but I couldn't remember who he was and how he looked like after the accident last 10 years ago. All I can remember was his voice.

She packed her bag and waved her final goodbye at me. I wish that someday she would be happier and find someone who could take care of her, much better than what I have done for her. May she never feel any more misery and suffering. That is all what I asked and prayed to the God Almighty. I rushed back inside my house and lay at my bed comfortably.

"Gil?" I said

Unnoticeable, I said his name out loud. Hearing his name made me smile a little. He was a friend, a special friend, A friend who always stays by my side through ups and downs -- but, remembering his voice turned my smile upside down. It was too painful, a memory that I don't wish to come back. Honestly, my memories of how he looked was blurry, I couldn't even describe how he looked but the memories of him saving me and him drowning was clear. I wanted it to completely disappear already but I can't help to wonder why Tine would suddenly bring him up. Maybe, it was nothing -- I was just overthinking things.

I tucked myself comfortably in my blanket, hugged my grizzly plushy, preparing to go to sleep hoping that in my dreams, good thing would happen despite this painful day. My eyes were slowly closing, little by little I'm beginning to smile as happy thoughts came running inside my mind.

Something felt weird, I smell a familiar scent -- a woody floral musk. I turned my head on the opposite direction and saw a well-built man sleeping at my bed. I really couldn't identify who he was since everything looked blurry. I closed my eyes again without giving a fuck who I was with, all I know is his presence was comforting and being with him made me feel comfortable. "Who was he again?" I thought and gone back to sleep.

I opened my eyes and looked at both sides looking for the guy who was with me last night. Was it just a dream? If so, that was one bizarre dream. I mean, it should be, why the hell would I let a complete stranger sleep besides me. It just doesn't make sense. I tilt my head trying to remember how he looked like but no matter how I tried I couldn't -- everything was a blur.

With all curiosity inside my head, I grabbed my royal blue towel and head straight to my bathroom. I took one relaxing, hot bath and dressed how I usually dress -- a half-buttoned polo shirt tucked inside my khaki pants paired with a leather belt. I also wore a silver necklace with a sun-shaped pendant, a watch in my left arm while a bracelet in the right. To finish the look, I wore a white Adidas smith shoes and headed to my job.

I was a professor at a State University in day and a content creator at night in a foreign Entertainment Studio. I maybe a professor but no one ever told me I couldn't be fashionable during my lectures. During my lectures, I always act though as if nothing ever happened last night but at some point I can't help to ask what Tine meant when she said

Ever since I was a kid, I was always clueless about life and doesn't really uses his common sense as usual as everybody does, Even at the age of 26, I'm still that same-old clueless child but older so I was actually lost when Tine said that to me. I shook my head and tried my best to understand but only ended being more curious more than ever. I felt downhearted. I walked inside a room and started my class. Luckily, teaching them the values and importance of writing really brightens my day so I managed to get my shit together but being in the moment doesn't make me forget about my problems making me half occupied.

I ended my class earlier rather than usual so that my students could have some time to relieve themselves from the stress and pressures they're experiencing. I headed towards the faculty room and lay on the couch besides the air-conditioner and took some rest. I covered my face with a pillow and asked my friend a favor.

"Hey, Pao, do me a favor and let everybody know not to disturb me" I said

"Why?" he replied

"I just had a migraine, I want to take a short rest as much as possible" I said while looking at him with some good-old puppy eyes The migraine was a lie. I just want to have a short period of time for myself to think about my personal problems. I couldn't give my all to work making my lesson blunt and less interesting as usual. I know some of my students may have noticed it but as a teacher I need to act tough so that I could be besides my student when they are at their lowest.

"I were just in a wrong path?" I kept thinking

I was so confused that I just want to forget about it, but I can't. My shift was over and I gone home. Then, I lay again on my bed and looked at my white ceiling. It looked so dull and lifeless just like my life. I turned on my right-side and looked at bright light my lampshade produced. It was blinding so I closed my eyes for a second and there I saw a glimpse of a silhouette. It was tall and big, intimidating perhaps. It was so familiar that I wasn't even surprised but unlike what I've dreamed yesterday, it's atmosphere wasn't calming at all -- I was frightened. The sight of it made my heart pump faster than usual as if it was about to explode.

"Am I going crazy?" I asked myself while breathing heavily

Being unable to sleep, I grabbed my jacket and my bag and called my best friend Cassie and invited her to a nearby cafe. I wouldn't let those thoughts ruin me tonight. I'm just too vulnerable to be all by myself.

As I was walking around Gumamela St. I saw him again -- The guy from my dreams only this time it wasn't a dream anymore and was thinner -- at least I felt like it was him. I faced my head towards him. I don't know why but I was so happy. He then faced himself towards me and looked at me with confusion.

"Uhm, Hey, Are you alright, sir?" he asked

I blinked and shook my head and said

"Uh, yeah sorry 'bout that, I thought you were someone I know" He then smiled at me. His deep-rose lips and pearl white smiles looked marvelous. I was dumbfounded. His presence was so comforting that it made me smile as if it would reach the heavens and I don't even know why. At a distance, Cassie saw me and ran toward me. He hugged me and squished my arm so hard I thought that my bones would break but I couldn't careless because I was so occupied at looking at him.

"Mhie, I missed you a lot" Cassie said

"You need to tell me everything with your break-up or divorce? whatever it is tell me EVERYTHING!" she added

The familiar looking guy looked at her and smirked

"I see you're a couple, she's beautiful" he said

"Wait! Does he know me" I shouted inside my head and again I was so confused although his voice was familiar yet at the same time different. I thought of every possibility where we may possibly met but nothing clicked and just don't make sense.

"No, she's my friend" I replied and smiled at him

At this point, I don't know why I even answered.

With confusion, Cassie faced him and was shocked after seeing him. Her facial expression was priceless if I wasn't occupied by the guy I would be laughing at her so hard I could absolutely lose my voice.

"Gil?" she said

"Wait, she knows him!?" I thought while being confused at the situation. He couldn't be the Gil that I know right? He's already dead but why am I feeling as if it was really him.

#fiction #writers on tumblr #my writing #writerscommunity #lgbtq #lgbtq characters #coming-of-age

0 notes

angelsd0ntkill · 7 years

Text

I need to distract myself so I’m doing the Answer All The Ask Meme Questions thing again.

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? My heart, my head, my gut, and my personality disorder are all at odds about how to handle heartbreak.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? Lmao no

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? Yeah, I don’t fuck with that shit, sorry.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Not really. Like, I’m very open and straight-forward, which might give the impression of being trusting, but at my core I’m always expecting people to hurt me.

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? Internet shopping.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? The man I’m in love with, probably.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Rage, scream, cry, possibly get drunk. Laugh bitterly and remind myself I had this coming.

8: Are you close with your dad? As close as you can be, living across an ocean from each other.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? I wish.

10: What are you listening to? A Youtube video about “haunted” videos.

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Not to be boring, but ... water.

12. Do you like hickeys? Yes.

13: What time do you go to bed? Midnight, usually.

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Eiichiro Oda.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Nope.

16: Do you always answer your texts? If it’s something that, y’know, needs an answer.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No. There are two who are on par with one another in terms of how hard I fell; the first is my platonic soulmate and the second is ... the best part of my life right now, despite everything.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Thursday.

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Janne Warman! :D

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I was probably stressing out about today and tomorrow. Today because therapy, tomorrow because I will either see Him or I won’t, and I’m not sure which would be worse....

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? No.

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? No. Sometimes people get what they deserve, but I think it’s more of an exception than a rule, unfortunately.

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? I dunno. Four months ago was August, which was when Verso and school started up and things went downhill from summer, but I’m doing pretty shitty NOW, too, so yeah, I really don’t know. I guess I had a little more hope back then than now.

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? I’m too tired for that shit.

25: In the past week, have you cried? YEP! :^D

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Blue and grey stripes.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? No.

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? No?

29: Do you have a best friend? I don’t know. Guess we’ll see tomorrow, or whenever I see Him. :^))))

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? “Hard” isn’t a big enough word, my dude, I don’t even wanna think about that happening.

31: Who was your last call from? My grandmother, probably.

32: Are you mad at anyone? Myself. My therapist.

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yeah.

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? 30

35: How many more days until your birthday? Exactly one month.

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Rockfest 2018 is the only thing I’ve got planned, and even that is just like YEAH, TICKETS OBTAINED, I’M GOING. Details? What details?

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? All but one of my good friends are of the “opposite” sex.

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? No. I can be obnoxiously open.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? I don’t think so. I’ve probably told all my “secrets” to at least one person.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yeah, the guy I had a fling with when I was like 18. Also my last ex, shoulda just Not Gone There in general.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? To an extent.

42: Are you available? Technically single, but emotionally unavailable.

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? One.

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Lip ring, I guess.

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Yes, eventually.

46: Do you regret anything? Several things. The aforementioned kisses. Cheating. Things I’ve said in anger. Things I’ve tried to explain but couldn’t phrase properly. Jokes I’ve cracked. Reactions and overreactions I’ve had.

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? What I’m going to wear tomorrow, whether I’ll have the energy to put on make-up in the morning, and whether I’ll be warm/comfortable enough to play Pokemon Go in those tomorrow afternoon. Also how I’m going to approach The Issue with Him if he does show up tomorrow. And whether he’ll want to hang out that day if it goes well. And whether I can hit level 29 if we hit up a legendary raid, which I ... don’t do on my own lmao.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Too many times.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? For him, probably. I just wished it were a proper kiss.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? He isn’t interested.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Several times. :^)

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Yes. Sort of. It’s been a weird week, hence my dilemma.

53: What was the last thing you ate? Assorted nuts. O:^)

54: Did you get any compliments today? Umm, my therapist said I’m brave, does that count?

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? Fuck if I know.

56: Do you own anything from other countries? I mean, I brought plenty of stuff from Canada and U.S.A back with me to Finland; I’ve got loads of anime merch & Alpacassos ordered from Japan; and I’ve brought back some souvenirs from Sweden and Estonia.

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Guys.

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Canada.

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? Not last summer but the summer before, I think?

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No.

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? No.

62: Who do you text the most? My grandmother.

63: What was the last movie you saw? Shaun of the Dead.

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? N/A

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010? One.

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? No.

67: Do you curse around your parents? Yes. Around my dad, anything goes. Around my mom, there’s a fine line. Or there was. It might be different now that I’m older.

68: Are you happy with where you live? I’m not complaining.

69: Do you collect anything? Anime figures, Alpacassos (& plushies in general, really), ties.

70: What’s your favourite colour? Purple, green, red, blue.

71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone? The last song I listened to was “Weight of the World” by Evanescence and mostly it just reminds me of when I was 14.

72: Has anyone ever cheated on you? Not that I know of.

73: What are your plans for tomorrow? Dress up nice, put on my war paint, try not to cry, and do what I can to salvage what I can of the most important relationship in my life at the moment. Also try not to die from the anxiety.

74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, one.

75: Does your last ex have a job? Don’t know, don’t care.

76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? He was dating before we’d properly broken up lmao. (I don’t count that as cheating because he was an idiot and because the whole situation was a jumbled fucking mess.)

77: Where is your cellphone? On the table next to me.

78: What colour is your cellphone? Black & silver.

79: What did you dream of last night? Can’t remember.

80: Are you atheist? No.

81: Will you change your name when you get married? I want to hyphenate.

82: Are you ready for autumn weather? Bitch, it’s winter.

83: Have you had any big storms recently? Nah.

84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing? Grey sweatpants.

#long post under cut #sorry to mobile users #about me #the life of a Julian

2 notes · View notes

ichibanjeon · 7 years

Text

Star-crossed

» Star-crossed: frustrated by the stars

Genre: soulmate!au + reincarnation!au + good (?) ol' angst; that's it.

Word count: 3,681 | AO3

Summary: People always reincarnate with the age they first met their soulmate with, so they can age together. Once every 100 years, a pair of soulmates is cursed. In each reincarnation, with the help of clues left for them, but without any form of communication, one must find the other before they die. Otherwise, they lose the ability to reincarnate forever. Yoongi writes diaries hoping that, when he’s ready to show them, Jeongguk isn’t already gone. Not again.

Warnings: mentions of death

Author's Note + "Thank You" Note:

this is my first yoonkook work that is not a) a chaptered fic or b) a drabble, and it's my favourite so far. my heart hurts, i cried, let's cry together if you decide to give this a try. it's the longest thing i've posted. "my heart will go on", "your song" and "river flows in you" are great to listen to while reading.

first of all, i would like to thank one of my best friends, @dani-the-monster; your "hoe don't do it" keeps me grounded while writing angst; the support you gave my writing from the start has encouraged me to improve and keep writing;

and now a very special note: six months ago, when the blood, sweat & tears mv came out, i decided to message a yoonkook blog i had been following for a couple of months, yelling about jeon jungkook and his smirk; tbh i don't know what happened, we literally just yelled for like a week, then i started to sign off as "yell @ jeon", you gave me a tag, i wrote stuff and came off anon, we yelled again, jungkook made a vlive, yoonkook happened, we yelled again, their comeback happened, we were emo, i dedicated "it can wait" to you and you just messaged me yelling and i saw your tags and yelled too and i still cry, why would you use those tags; now we talk almost every day, like one of us just sees a soft picture of jungkook and sends it and we yell for like hours and i always get emo before i go to bed ??? we also yell a lot about yoonkook and their things. a list of our favourite things to mention, send and yell about: jungkook as a puppy, angel, little star and bunny; domestic!yoonkook; studio boyfriends!yoonkook; space metaphors; that giant carrot plushie; soft jungkook; why is yoonkook the angsty duo; yoonpianokook, the real ot3; plushies; "*yoonkook sending kisses gifs* night night!"; "i'm emo"; "I JUST WOKE UP I DIDN'T NEED THIS"; "wHY"; just general yelling tbh. andrea, (@jeonbase) thank you for six months! "star-crossed" is dedicated to you :)

“It’s dark now and I am very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing.”

― Audrey Niffenegger

March 4th, 3 a.m.

We arrived yesterday, March 3rd. Namjoon is already asleep, but I had enough coffee to keep me awake for at least 24 hours. There are still no clues, but I’m trying not to worry a lot about it. Last time it took 2 weeks until we got any information.

He’s not… hopeless, you know? It’s not like he’s given up. She’s always so hard to find, and since he didn’t get to be with her before she left… I get it; it’s hard, Guk. When I lost you, I thought I would never see you again. But you wouldn’t know.

Anyways, when you read this, you’ll say “You’re such an idiot, what made you think I would want to read these?”, but I know you read them while I’m out of the house. Speaking of which, where do you want to live this time? Namjoon says he wants to move back to Ilsan. Do you miss Busan a lot?

I don’t have much to say. We’re coming to get you, alright?

Stay alive, kid.

He doesn’t sign it. He doesn’t have to, because the only person who will ever read Yoongi’s diaries already knows him like the back of his hand. He wants to stick to his own words, but trying not to worry a lot about it is different from not worrying. As much as he tries to reassure himself, he knows time can’t always be on his side.

Three lifetimes ago, Yoongi felt like he was dead before dying. Three lifetimes ago, his life stopped making sense. Because three lifetimes ago, Yoongi was too late. Bright lights, a car, people screaming, a turn, a dying man. And a man dying inside.

Yoongi’s memories of that day remain as the hardest part of his existence. It hurts that it happened. It hurts that Jeongguk doesn’t remember. It hurts because it reminds him that he doesn’t have forever. And that’s why he writes.

Namjoon mumbles something in his sleep, which makes the older boy check the clock. 4 a.m. The sky’s far from starry, but there’s still a promise lighting up his night.

It’s been a week since they arrived. They always arrive together, no matter what. Yoongi says it’s a glitch; Namjoon calls it luck, and jokingly adds that maybe they’re the real soulmates.

When you reincarnate, life becomes easier. Time doesn’t bother you anymore, because you’re sure that you’ll make up for lost time with your soulmate in your next life. Exception: if The Council chooses you as the unlucky pair that struggles with time, it does bother you. Exception of the exception: if you’re Min Yoongi, time is just kind of there.

“We can’t,” a loud, disembodied voice said.

“Well, try!” he yelled, his tear-stained face reflecting the light of his surroundings and the pain he felt inside.

Eleven lifetimes ago, Min Yoongi was born for the first time. Eleven lifetimes ago, Jeongguk’s name wasn’t this familiar. It didn’t feel like a warm embrace after the long chase, it didn’t smell like hot coffee made for you in the morning, it didn’t sound like childhood lullabies, it didn’t mean love. But it still meant something, because fate doesn’t just belong in the future, at least in love matters.

When Yoongi turned eighteen, there was a knock on his parents’ door.

“I’m so sorry.” Cursed, black on white, and even though no one had said it, there was a silence that screamed despair.

“What for?” he asked.

“That you’re cursed,” the man replied. Yoongi offered him the only smile he could manage.

“It’s not your fault,” he said. It was no one’s fault. It still hurt.

Yoongi was twenty-three when he met nineteen-year-old Jeon Jeongguk. Yoongi is still twenty-three, and it’s his favorite number. He gets to meet a special boy every time he’s twenty-three.

March 17th, 9 p.m.

We got the first clue today.

It’s vague, it isn’t clear, but it’s something. It’s a guitar pick and it has your name on it. We found it on our doorstep, this morning. Does it mean you’ve stopped neglecting the guitar I bought you? What are you up to?

Namjoon got our stuff from the Department yesterday. Our house is still the same, but I always feel like moving out, you know? Start over.

Do you ever miss any of our previous lifetimes, Guk? I do. I miss the way things were three or four lifetimes ago. You wouldn’t understand… Sometimes, before I meet you, I dig out our old things. What were you thinking when you decided to buy that huge bike?

You’re weird. That’s okay, I like you as you are.

“Wow, I hate you,” Namjoon says, throwing his controller on the couch.

“Salty over Mario Kart, are we?” Yoongi snickers, putting his own down.

“Just extra tired today,” the younger says, and gets up, heading to the kitchen.

“You’ve been searching, haven’t you?”

He doesn’t get an answer right away. He notices how Namjoon almost stops in his tracks, but decides against it and walks in the kitchen. Yoongi is familiar with the urge to find someone who’s so dear to you.

“Hana’s the reason why I’m here,” Namjoon starts. “I was born ten lifetimes ago, and the reason why I’m still here is her.”

He’s not cursed. Well, at least in the official meaning of the term. If you’ve known Kim Namjoon for long enough, you’d have noticed how he seems to consider the soulmate system a curse itself. To chase the love of your life over and over again, in an endless cycle; is he wrong to think so?

“I don’t know- I probably sound stupid right now, but- is it really worth it?” he says, holding an apple.

“It depends,” the other starts, “I would give all I have for your forever.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Yoongi nods. It’s a conversation they’ve had before, more times than they can count. The kitchen’s quiet for a few seconds, until Namjoon speaks up.

“Wanna go to the movies tonight? We haven’t had any fun in ages.”

Yoongi shakes his head at the other’s pun, but agrees anyway.

“It doesn’t work like that,” the voice said.

“Make it work then! I – sob – I’ll do any – sob – thing!”

March 22nd, 4 p.m.

Do you remember why we agreed I would be the one to find you? Well I do, but you’re a hard man to find, Jeon Jeongguk. First a guitar pick, now a camera. Where are you? We were in Busan a couple of days ago; your parents say hi.

Namjoon finally figured out where Hana might be. He thinks she’s staying with not-so-close relatives in Moscow. Can you believe? We’re flying out as soon as I get the third clue.

Don’t you ever get tired of showing up in a random location every time? I always end up in Seoul, but you visit new countries all the time. I wish we could use cellphones; if you ask me, that law is quite a stupid one.

I miss your dumb smile whenever we go out.

Soon.

Sometimes, Yoongi dreams of a very happy place. It is far above the clouds, surrounded by the stars. From his spot, he sees all the constellations and the sight mesmerizes him. Time doesn’t mean anything but what it’s supposed to be: a word, as empty as it can be.

Words are terrible. Words hurt but heal as well, and it’s hard not to wonder why. In this happy location, they’re easy to live with, they carry meanings we can understand, but not relate to. He believes there’s a single word that will never stop making sense to him; a sweet earthly word, that feels good and tastes heavenly.

Yoongi feels like he’s floating around. He feels so small, yet so great. The most beautiful comet he has ever seen passes by, close enough to touch. And he feels warm. It’s like his heart was replaced by a star, his own personal source of heat and comfort. He names it Guk, like the sweet earthly boy.

“I can’t ask you to pay this price. Go away and live your life,” the voice said.

A man collapsed on the floor, sobbing loudly, pleading.

The third clue doesn’t arrive the day after, or the days after that one, or the two weeks that follow; Namjoon talks Yoongi into finding Hana first, they’ll look for Jeongguk after that.

Hana isn’t waiting for them at the airport when they arrive, but they manage to get to her relatives’ house relatively fast (they only got lost twice!). Namjoon’s face is now everything but a frown, nothing but true happiness and a hint of relief, as he holds his own soulmate in his arms.

“It’s been too long,” he says, breathlessly. And the girl in his arms becomes the only thing that matters, even if the moment is a fraction of eternity, of their eternity, because Namjoon knows for a fact that taking time for granted would be a foolish thing to do.

“Isn’t it selfish? You get to choose who leaves first,” the voice pointed out.

“I just want a chance to say goodbye.”

“It’s a plane ticket,” Namjoon repeats. “Out of all the things it could have been, they’ve sent you a plane ticket.”

Yoongi doesn’t reply right away; he’s lost in thought. It’s odd, but what could he expect? He’s sitting by a window, a book in his hands, his focus somewhere else. His grip on the book tightens before he lets out a quiet sigh. “Looks like he’s back home, after all. We must have missed him for a couple of hours.”

“We have to leave, Yoongi. It’s not like it can wait,” Namjoon says a bit louder. He’s sitting far from the older boy, hands holding the ripped envelope and the paper rectangle with the words “FLIGHT: 2476; TO: SEOUL” in thick, black letters. It all feels so blunt, so raw, so possible. As if it was as simple as a plane ticket and long flight. Namjoon’s words seem to hit Yoongi, because he puts down the book and stands up, walking towards the other.

“You’re not coming, Joon,” he states.

“Do you actually think I would leave my best friend to his cursed fate? We’re leaving tomorrow and I’m coming with you.”

“I have to do this alone.”

“Or so you think. You didn’t leave me; I’m not leaving you either,” Namjoon says, and his words hit Yoongi again.

“Namjoon,” the other starts, “You know how grateful I am for all you’ve done. But I’m leaving alone, and that’s final.”

“That’s just selfish.”

“Excuse me?”

“You come and go alone; doesn’t it bother you that the people you leave behind are alone too?”

“You know the consequences,” the voice said, matter-of-factly.

A man looks down and plays with his fingers.

“I do.”

April 8th, 2 a.m.

Our lives are made of a series of boards that hold all kinds of switches and buttons. My board has a ton of them, as does yours, as does everyone else’s. The thing is, we like to think that we can press the buttons and mess with the switches, but it’s not our job to do so.

I would say – call me crazy if you want – that our fates are in the hands of higher forces. Not things like The Council, or any gods or goddesses you might have heard about. Things that seem distant and abstract, but they’re actually as real as you and me. Love is one of them.

My biggest regret in all my eleven lives is the fact that I haven’t figured out how to do what those things do. If I could do it, if I could just reach any buttons or switches, maybe things were different. It is both a blessing and a curse, a source of despair and peace of mind, to have your future in the hands of something you don’t really understand.

However, I’m eternally grateful that one of those forces pressed a button called ‘you’ for me. The universe can do whatever it wants, because that button is pressed and nothing can take that away from me. Not even time.

Goodnight, Guk. I’ll be there before you notice it.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?”

A man looks up and nods. “How long?”

No answer.

Yoongi wakes up, startled by the sound of an old door opening. As his eyes adjust to the darkness that surrounds him, he hears footsteps. Turning around, he’s surprised to find Kim Namjoon, his friend of ten lifetimes, standing in the doorway, hair as messy as it could be.

There’s silence. It goes on for who knows how long. Yoongi doesn’t know how late, how early in the morning it is, but it’s not like he cares that much. It doesn’t matter.

It matters, though, that Namjoon sat by his side, pushing aside the open notebook the other had fallen asleep on. It matters that they don’t speak, that they don’t have to. It matters that, through the silence that has settled, Yoongi hears quiet, muffled sobs. It matters that soon, the sobs belong to two instead of one, and the embrace that follows matters too, as well as two hearts that fear for each other, because of love and loss, of life and death, of the silence that means too much.

It is four a.m. when Namjoon lets out an ironic laugh, one that is meant to be cheerful, and wipes his tears. It’s the way his arms circle Yoongi’s frame that gives it all away, and the other knows, and it hurts that it’s impossible to avoid, because it’s inevitable, because it’s no use trying to fight pressed buttons.

“Take care,” Namjoon says. All he has to say, all he thinks he left unsaid, is in those two words, in the tears that created liquid paths on his cheeks, in the way he wants to hold the older boy, as if maybe – and even if it seems like a foolish thing to do – that would stop time, just so he doesn’t have to go just yet.

“You take care too, kid,” Yoongi replies. He means, “I’ll never forget you, even if time makes me forget myself.”

"Hey! How long?"

April 9th, 9 a.m.

As it always happens when I get to meet you again, I don’t know what to write. I don’t want to get cheesy because well, I’m not really a cheesy person. I’m sitting outside the house we’ve shared for some years. I know you’re still asleep, because who could wake you up on a Sunday morning? (Hopefully our doorbell will.)

Namjoon couldn’t come; he couldn’t come because I didn’t let him. “I have to do this alone,” I told him, and it’s true. As you’ll see as you go on – and become less of a little shit – there are a few things one must do alone. A few feelings we have to go through by ourselves.

Lao Tzu said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

I know I feel brave whenever I think of you, so if you ever needed reassurance, here it is: I love you. I love you as I did eleven lifetimes ago, yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever, even if some say it’s useless, even if the world ends and the sky falls, even if you ever doubt it, even if I’m gone, my love for you will stay the same.

In this world of soulmates, there are a few things we get to call eternal. We were cursed, yes we were, so our ‘forever’ is different from everyone else’s. Our forever is made of fear, of hope and trust. I fear that I might lose you every time we come back. I hope you’re always here to greet me again, just like the first time. I trust you, and that your little heart is strong enough to go on.

Just like you give me courage, I hope I give you strength. To be deeply loved by someone is such a wonderful feeling, and I know that, because I feel strong at the thought of you. If I ever needed reassurance, you’re the best at giving it.

This is not meant to be a love letter, but a letter from a lover to his lover. And if you ever need it, let this be a reminder of who we are, the story of two star-crossed lovers.

Time to ring the doorbell.

“Are you listening to me? How long?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Please.”

Jeon Jeongguk hates it when someone wakes him up on a Sunday morning. And that’s why his mood is not the best when he’s startled by the high-pitched sound of the doorbell. He groans, stretches and rolls around, mentally (and maybe thinking out loud too) cursing the most likely unwanted visitor.

He takes his time to get up, the fluffy carpet tickling his feet. He puts on the first shirt he can find, slowly leaves the room, walks down the stairs, and looks out the window. To say he was surprised to see his favorite person in the world standing outside would be an understatement.

Min Yoongi has his black hair styled casually, hands in his pockets, the red shirt Jeongguk gave him for his fourth twenty-third birthday peeking from under a black hoodie, the kind that makes him look smaller than he is, and the younger boy can’t help but smile at the sight of the other’s small frame in oversized clothes.

Jeongguk literally runs to the front door, takes a deep breath and unlocks it, before opening it and allowing himself to stare once again. Only then does Yoongi look up from the ground, where a brown backpack is, and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. His hands are shaking, he notices, and so are his legs, but he still runs to the other’s embrace, shaky breaths filling the hair. Then a kiss, as passionate as the first, and they hold each other’s faces, each other’s frames, each other’s hearts.

In a rush to love, to make up for the lost time, to reassure each other with a whispered “I’m here”, they enter the house, Yoongi’s hand dragging the brown backpack along. It’s a moment that goes on for minutes, and it feels like hours.

“So you were in Seoul the whole time?” is the only question the older boy can manage.

“I was. I arrived last week,” the other replies.

“We were in Moscow, to look for Hana, but that’s a story for another time. And Namjoon says hi,” the thought of his best friend is enough to make Yoongi’s heart ache in a way he can’t handle, not now.

Jeongguk notices the dark bags under his eyes. “You’re exhausted, Yoongi.”

He feels exhausted. “Can we take a nap? I’ll tell you all the stories when we wake up.” Jeongguk smiles and nods, leading the other up the stairs.

Their room is exactly as he remembers, the weird lamp he got at a garage sale, the large painting Jeongguk made for their anniversary, the blinds that they should fix, the dark brown doors of the walk-in closet that they use as a storage room, that light grey walls that would be sad and naked without their pictures together.

Yoongi drops the brown backpack and tells Jeongguk, “Some things for you to read when we wake up. All the stories you might not remember.”

He takes off his hoodie and places it on the armchair by his side, and then he crawls on bed and gets under the covers, the pain in his heart unbearably strong now, and he feels so, so tired. He just wants to sleep.

Jeongguk feels odd. There’s something wrong. His heart hurts too. Realization hits him all at once, and he doesn’t understand half of it. All he knows is that there’s something he has to say before time takes over, before it’s too late, before he’s too suffocated by the pain in his little heart.

“You knew it all along?” he lets out, and the other nods.

“I’m so sorry.”

“What for?” Jeongguk asks.

“That we’re cursed,” Yoongi replies. It’s getting harder to speak, to breathe, to live.

“It’s not your fault,” Jeongguk says. It’s getting harder to reply, to stay, to live.

“Will you stay with me?” Yoongi asks. He means, “I don’t want to be alone when I leave.”

There’s a hand that holds a hand, and two other hands that wipe tears on different faces. There’s an empty room, filled with more than can be put in words. There are two bodies, two star-crossed lovers, two lives tied forever. There’s a dying man, a man dying inside, and their hardest goodbye, all over again, like a dejà vu. And perhaps regret, love and loss, life and death. And pain. And love. Aren’t they the same, for the few unlucky ones?

“I’m a speck of dust floating in space, and you’re the most beautiful comet I’ve ever seen,” Yoongi lets out. It’s his last goodbye.

And they are a comet, a cursed ‘we’ going in circles through time. They are star-crossed, a pair of soulmates that was meant to be, just not forever. There’s a nineteen-year-old boy, shaky breath and blurry vision, because the stardust becomes too much to handle, and whispered secrets of the universe they share being spilled onto a pillow.

“We’re the comet, Yoongi, going in circles around the sun. And our hearts are a single star. And the dust we left behind is what I’ll be holding on to.”

“3.”

A man nods again. He bows respectfully and waits until he’s back home.

A few hours later, he’s finishing a letter. A diary.

“Jeon Jeongguk, I do not regret a thing."

47 notes · View notes

deathbyvalentine · 7 years

Text

Slayers Drabbles - Do Not Go Gentle

Untitled

One thought Just keeps cycling. ’I want to go home.’ Once, at a party. Once, in a dream. I do not know where I belong or where I’m running back to.

Waking Up

He was falling, falling, falling, until he was not.

The world was quiet here. There were no distant sounds of screams. There were no noises of sobbing breaking through his slumber. Only the soft sound of electronic beeping, and the murmur of a populated building.

Slowly, slowly, Thomas Madding woke up.

Reality is not gentle, but nor is it dramatic. It is a tsunami of mundanity, an earthquake of the expected. Panic caused by things being as they should be is more painful than panic of the unusual. Tommy saw the colours of the hospital walls, and began to panic. Hands pressed his shoulders back down, the heart monitor jumping erratically. He remembered everything, everything from the past few years. He remembered Lydia’s fire, David’s peace, Jones’s determination. He remembered a hand grazing his cheek, words murmured into his ear over endless hours. He remembered bleeding, so much blood. He remembered someone singing as bombs fell miles away, of failing over and over again, of a locket clutched in his hand. He remembered the beginnings of a life in which things happened, not just happened to him.

He wept at the loss, and his mother held his hand. This couldn’t be what he was left with - but it made too much sense to be false. Of course he was dreaming. In what world were vampires and time travel and demons real? And of course, his lover and friends weren’t real - why would a God even look at him twice? Who would want to be around him for longer than a routine check up? He was nothing. Small, boring, dying.

He shivered, and she stroked his hair. He didn’t understand, he was confused, bewildered, none of his questions got any answers, and when he called for A, he did not come. That was what convinced him. If he really needed A, and he called him him with his voice breaking and his heart cracking, he would have come. Which meant, here, now, he wasn’t real. He was falling, falling, falling, and he fell back asleep. When he fell back into his dream, he was relieved and terrified. He was going to wake up again, and when he did, he would lose everything. And if he didn’t, he was breaking his parents’ heart.

A Comforting Little Puppy

The small plushie was going to have to prove it’s worth to match the last one. Tommy very almost resented it at first, for not being Caramel, but then he realised that wasn’t fair, and hugged it as an apology. He named it Sooty, and it many stressful moments, realised he was squeezing him to sooth his anxiety. So that was a good start.

After the last weekend, he was a little closer to living up the legend. Becca had clutched it tight after she had realised the world was much more frightening that she ever could have imagined. And Dionysus had clung to it as though it was a liferaft in a sea of confusion. He had looked so small, so frightened, so painfully human, Tommy’s heart broke for him a thousand times over. By the end of the night, the puppy had found it’s way back into his pocket, and Tommy was grateful for it. And as he went to sleep that night, he held it in his own hand. There was comfort in the smallest things, once you allowed yourself to stop feeling silly for it.

Gauntlet

He didn’t want to hurt anybody, but by the time he had managed to stumble outside, dodging all the hands grasping at him and calling for him to stop, all attempts at diplomacy had dissolved. He called a few times, but they did not stop, this small sentry of angels with flames and swords. They were cutting down his friends, spilling blood into the garden of the hostel. Michael had pointed at his gauntlet, raised an eyebrow, and Tommy had realised. The first time he dashed forward, he was slashed in the side, blood immediately pouring down his ribs, staining his jumper and dripping into the waistband of his jeans. No problem. He’d had worse pain than this hundreds of times before. Next time though, Julie in place as his shield, he slammed his hand into the shoulder of one, and down they went, stumbling as the creature tried to find their feet again. Another sword strike later, they were gone. And then he heard one, the leader perhaps, calling for him to be taken care of. It was this one he approached next, in the midst of those carrying offensive weapons. He clasped her shoulder as though offering her a comfort, and she fell. He went with her, as the others stood above. “Why are you doing this? We’re trying to help you...” Her voice gasped and grated, and as Tommy moved forward to cradle her, her form flickered and disappeared, leaving him kneeling in the cold, wondering what exactly he had just done.

Too Perfect To Imagine I have a lover Who walks softly. I have a lover who talks gently. He isn’t sunlight he does not blind. He is not moonlight he illuminates. He is every moment where you realised you were good enough. He is every comfortable silence where words didn’t have to be enough. He is the ‘Happily Ever After’ at the end of the story.

“I Think He Said He Loved Me.”

There was stunned silence for a variety of reasons. First, the gaping wound that was the absence of Jones. Second, the fact that Asclepius had shouted, had very almost done some physical harm. Third, the reason why Tommy’s mind had settled into a quiet - what he had said as he had left. “Be strong. Be good. I love you.”

He had shown it in a thousand ways before now. Tiny gestures that added up to a relationship. Moments unspoken, the fizzing electricity between them. But he had never said it, not once, even when Tommy had let it spill out of him in the shadow of the hotel. And now, there it was.

And of course, Tommy thought that it wasn’t romantic. It couldn’t be. This fell into his usual philosophy of expecting nothing from Asclepius, because it was incredibly selfish to wish for anything more from the man who saved your life. Because then when you did get given something, it was a gift.

Loki was watching him, and they smiled. He smiled back, the three words echoing, making him feel a little braver, a little better. He’d make him proud. He would.

“We Thought You Were Never Coming Back and We Panicked.” + When A Took Jones Away Jones often felt like the center of their group. The soul, the one that could bring them all together, keep them from getting lost inside their own heads and worries and wants. And then she was gone, somewhere safe, sure, but gone nevertheless. Someone had to try to keep them together. To do her job until she came back and reprised her role. In addition to his own role, Tommy thought he should step up, and others seemed to too. Tommy tried to de-escalate every damn argument that Tori caused. People called him over to look at injuries, as though he had any experience whatsoever as he tried desperately to recall his first aid. He told others what to do, even as anxiety surged through him and every decision seemed wrong. He cared for Lydia, as best as he could with his clumsy hands.

It was too much.

The Greater Good/ You’ll Still Like Me When I’m Angry - Hypothetical Roleplaying Effect Exploration

Anger flickered into his mind, hot and irrational, unable to be swallowed down easily. His words came out sharp and unkind. Because truly? People’s feelings were always so irrelevant. They couldn’t see the forest for all the trees, the world for all their personal drama. He wanted to scream, who the fuck cares? Stop for two seconds and realise what is at stake.

And then there was the way they treated him. Like he was nothing. Like he was invisible. Though half the time he was the only one who knew what was going on, and had the sense to make plans about it. Or they treated him like he was only worth the information he had, and he would just keep working until he collapsed. These people didn’t understand what a burden he carried on his aching shoulders. And then there was Asclepius. The one he loved more than his pathetic body could take, the one he was obsessed with, the one he would kill or die for. The one who preferred Jones to him. He bristled at the thought, and such sudden violence crashed into him. If Jones touched him, even in passing, even in accident, he would hurt her. She couldn’t have his patron just because her’s was nothing but an unrepentant murderer.

Save the world, love his lover. Those were the two things he wanted more than anything. Everything else was merely white noise and distraction. And God help who ever got in his way.

“They’re not OK.”

He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried like this. Maybe when Freddy died. Maybe when Orelin died. He cried as though his chest had been ripped open. He literally couldn’t stop, even when he knew he needed to claw it back, needed to get it back together. Every moment he thought he had caught his breath, gained control, the full force of grief, and tragedy, and loss would hit him all over again.

He was being selfish, he knew. He shouldn’t cry from other’s pain, even if at times he felt it deeper than his own. But this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The back already loaded with the fate of Heywater and the four, with Freddy and Orelin, with his coma, with his curse, with a hundred different fucking things, and of course, with love. He wasn’t coming back today. Because he didn’t want to. It was as simple as that. It may be for his own good, it may be for the good of many things, but if Asclepius wanted to be here, he would be here. He couldn’t be in this room anymore, watching Jones weep, watching Lydia stand helpless, blood still sticky on his face. He walked from the room, shaking and shivering, and burst outside to see Avalon, who immediately asked him what was wrong, her voice soft and kind. The words spilled out in a blur but ended in:

“I just want my friends to be okay and. And they’re not okay. And they’re never going to be okay. And he’s not here. And he’s never here when I need him.” He was selfish beyond all measure, but his heart wanted and wanted. Like The Fool, his heart was a careless creature, it guided him, and it pained him.

Life On Mars - AU The final check up was over. The drip had been removed from his arm, all the appropriate brain scans done, charts ticked and signed. There were still things like muscle weakness and stomach strain to get used to. And of course, them not knowing if the illness was going to come back in a week or so, as it usually did. But right now, it was clear, and he was going home. His father fussed over him as he carried him into the car, still wrapped in a blanket, the cold January air biting at him. His mother seemed unable to stop glancing at him in the rear view mirror, obvious anxious at his silence. He had frightened them all with his rambling. He had frightened himself. They went home, and he had soup and pills for dinner. They sat on the couch and watched documentaries until he got tired. Rain splattered against the windows, and the sky got dark, and nothing happened. When he went to bed, there was no small altar. When he slept, he didn’t dream. When he whispered his name, he didn’t come.

The days blurred, and Tommy barely spoke. He barely did anything but curl up on the couch, eyes unfocused on the screen. His parents had hushed discussions in the kitchen about how depression was well documented after such a traumatic coma, even if he’d never displayed those symptoms before.

Tommy was deciding something. Something along the lines of, if this was reality, he didn’t want it. Something along the lines of he wanted his dreams back. True was not the same as important. He was going to get his world back. By any means necessary.

Lap And Letters It was embarrassing how much comfort this was bringing him. This moment of peace. His head rested in her lap, her fingers brushing through his hair, an arm slung over her legs as he knelt at her feet. The lights weren’t yet back on, a few candles providing the light. She had love letters, she told him. Saved from the library of Alexandria before it burnt. There had been more important things, maps and information, but Lydia had taken the letters. In Tommy’s view, they were the most important things. She began to read, translating as she went. The first was Hephaestion to Alexander, a simple thing of memories and fondness and a golden summer. He laughed as he imagined two boys pushing each other into a river, the sun shining, nothing but love and adoration. The next letter was different. It was desperation and fear, someone running from a horizon drawing ever closer. It was Cassandra, visions of the end crashing into her head, and desperate for somebody, anybody to listen. All because of the hate of a child who called himself a god. Fear gripped him, as he remembered his own blood, his own fever, his own visions. If Apollo ever remembered him, who knows what he could, no, would do. He was not at Troy. He didn’t remember it. But something in his bones shivered and cringed at the thought, as it did with so many of the ancient stories. Something in him belonged to that era, for better or worse, and it resounded in him. They were all tragedies waiting to happen. And he wept too, because what was it about humans that made them make the same mistakes over and over, in a hundred different contexts. When would they learn? When would they know better? Or, more importantly, when would the gods?

Telling Stories

He could hear the thunder, and see the giants, the way she told it. It was like she was painting a picture, drawing them into a world so very far from here. He longed to reach out and take her hand, but he didn’t. This was hers, her story to tell, and it had gone untold for too long. He loved her more than ever in that moment, watching her, listening to her. He did what he thought she would have wanted, and if he was being honest, what he wanted to do too. Dionysus was beside him, and sometimes, there were tears dripping down his cheeks. He was different, like this. Listening to his history, watching his cousin. Tommy wrapped an arm around him, providing what comfort he could. A day ago, he almost hated him. Now, his heart ached for him. The urge to protect, to care for, was almost overwhelming.

Everyone could be redeemed. Everyone. This was his chance, and Thomas hoped beyond all hope that he took it.

Napping

He half expected them to say no. It was barely even eleven o’clock and he was exhausted. The magic had faded from him, and the lack of sleep was hitting him like a brick. A nap was needed, but of course, he needed to be easily to hand for when things inevitably went wrong. He hated the thought of not being there if he was needed.

But they didn’t say no. They sat on the couch, Lydia tossing him a coat as a blanket, his head on a bag as a pillow. He wrapped his arms around the staff, not wanting to risk it being taken from him. There were too many thieves around, too much chaos. As he lay down, he could still see David and Lydia, sitting, not going anywhere, and for the first time in a long while, he felt somewhat safe.

How to Be a Shield

The first stage is to realise your life is less important than everybody else’s. If somebody has to die, it should be you. You’re living far longer than you expected anyway. Realise there’s things worth dying for. The second stage is to be reckless. Move quickly, move cleverly, but if you see someone else about to get hit, dive there first. If you can prevent more harm by protecting yourself until you can down the enemy though, follow this course. Least harm, to the least amount of people. This is in a fighting situation of course. If it’s quieter, if it’s more insidious then.... The third part is to wait for the ideal moment. Slide into position, bit by bit, don’t make too big a scene of it, or the other will form a plan around it. It may also warn off the violence, it may not. Either way, prepare to take a hit. Prepare to bleed. Prepare to die, if you need to.

“None of Us Get To Choose Who We Love.”

Oh darling boy, how he loves you. Look at the way he melts into your arms, how he arches into every touch, wishing it to last a little longer. Look at how he gathers the bravery to press a chaste kiss to your neck, and hides his face afterwards. Look at his blood splattering your shirt and tell me that is not love. “I love you so much I think it’s breaking me.” Tommy feels like his heart isn’t built to love something this deeply. It overwhelms him, it blinds him to all but Asclepius. As he sobs into the arms holding him, the rain still gently falling around them, he lets himself be selfish. He won’t have the conversations he needs to have, he won’t ask for favours on the behalf of others. He will take this for himself - after all, there will be countless more days and hours.

“I am so, so in love with you.”

He cannot remember what he was like before he loved him. He doesn’t want to. Just like he doesn’t give a damn if this world isn’t real, as long as it means he gets to stay with his god. It will be like this, for as long as he will let it. He will break his own humanity if it meant he got a little longer. He will chase the divine. Eternity would seem like too short a time with Asclepius.

“And I, you.”

#slayers #prose #drabbles #prompts #larp

3 notes · View notes