astaldis

[astaldis]

New Witcher relationship tag: Draakul/Roach 🫏 🐎

How lucky we're not bipedal

"Hee-haw, isn't it funny how foolish people can be?" Draakul gives an amused snort. "Just look at them!"

OR: While Geralt and Regis are affected by the sex pollen, Roach and Draakul have a - somewhat philosophical - conversation. (companion piece to "I hate sex pollen")

general audiences, words: 200, humour, crack

[astaldis]

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS (2002) dir. Peter Jackson

It's all wrong. By rights, we shouldn't even be here, but we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now.

[astaldis]

Landlord wants the grass cut in the middle of a heat wave ohh my god THE GRASS KEEPS THINGS COOL

our yard has more fireflies out of the entire neighborhood, it attracts flycatchers and several insectivorous species I fucking hate lawn culture so much

[astaldis]

Part of this needs to be narration intro to Witcher 4

[astaldis]

Regis dont know if he's getting too old for this or Geralt is too well fed at corvo bianco.

[astaldis]

Issue no 41 - Trapped (in a cellar by a cannibal)

@whumpers-monthly

All Is Not As It Seems

fandom: The Witcher (TV)

whumpees: Coën, Cahir

For a moment, Coën stares at the tall blonde man, disoriented. Then his memory clicks into place. Soren. The cottage in the heath. The delicious meal and the nice guest room with the one bed. Cahir snuggled up close to him. Fuck, this is not the bed he fell asleep in, he suddenly realises. It feels like he is lying on a wooden table instead, and his hands— Dammit, what is going on here? And where is Cahir?

With a start he sits up and looks around wildly, clenching his bound hands into fists. In the dim light of the oil lamp that is hanging from the wall, Coën sees a second big table, on it his boyfriend. He is not moving, and for a split second, Coën fears he is dead. Then he sees Cahir's naked chest moving slightly as he breathes in and out, either sleeping deeply or unconscious. Coën listens into the semi-darkness. With his enhanced mutant senses, he can hear his lover's heartbeat, slow but steady.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he growls. If he could, Coën would jump from the table in one leap, tackle the treacherous Soren to the ground, scoop Cahir up in his arms and make a run for it. Yet, he cannot do it. His legs are tied up and bound to the table. He should have known that everything about the cottage, about its owner was just too good to be true. Now they are trapped. But why?

"You better stay put and don't try anything stupid," Soren says, raising his hand. The blade of a big butcher's knife flashes in the shine of the oil lamp. "I'll be back in a minute with more sedative. I'm not a monster. Although the taste of the meat is supposed to be better when the cattle is stressed before the slaughter, I prefer to do it humanely. I have sensitive ears. You and your friend won't feel a thing. A quick cut to the throat while you're fast asleep and you'll bleed out before you even notice."

"What are you talking about, man?" Coën asks, aghast. Soren does not mean to slaughter his guests for meat? This must be a nightmare, a most horrible one, but with his wrists tied up, he cannot even pinch himself to find out if he is awake or not.

"Cooking, of course, I'm talking about cooking. You said yourself that my stew was exceptionally delicious. For a great meal, you need the best quality meat. In my experience, there's nothing better than healthy, young, free range humans."

Continue reading on AO3 (mature)

[astaldis]

@smubbles-etc    

For @silvertheraven

Chapters: 1/1      Words: 505 Fandom: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, The Witcher (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Geralt of Rivia/Emiel Regis Rohellec Terzieff-Godefroy, Maria Barring | Milva/Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach, Zoltan Chivay/Jaskier | Dandelion Characters: Geralt of Rivia, Emiel Regis Rohellec Terzieff-Godefroy, Maria Barring | Milva, Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach, Zoltan Chivay, Jaskier | Dandelion Additional Tags: Discord: Smubbles, Sex Pollen, The Hansa | Geralt's Company, Kissing, Public Nudity, fluff and humor, mild smut Summary:

Regis smells it the second Geralt and he set foot into the glade at the rear of their company. He crinkles his nose. The Witcher sneezes violently. The two unlikely friends look at each other.

"Fuck, is it what I think it is?" Geralt mumbles.

OR: On their travels, Geralt and his company encounter a rare botanical phenomenon which leads to unexpected consequences.

[astaldis]

👍👍👍

Hi, do you know yet when the June Remix Smubbles will take place? I don't think I have seen a date anywhere yet, or have I missed it? Looking very much forward to it! And thanks a lot for organising the event ❤️

Sincerest apologies for opening late! The June Remix Smubbles collection is now open, to coincide with yesterday's solstice - have fun! :D

[astaldis]

'Toad' or 'A Very Unusual Pet' Chapter 14

Now complete! Words: 29,612; Chapters: 14/14

A while later, Cahir is roused from a light slumber by the sound of footfalls on the stairs and a very familiar voice.

"My shoes are not clunky, bard, and definitely not full of snakes! They are perfect in every condition of life, formal balls, climbing cliffs, kicking your arse—"

"What? You'd never, witch, or you and your Nilfgaardian can swim to Cintra."

"Just kidding," Yennefer says with a chuckle.

Continue reading on AO3. Have fun!

[astaldis]

I em screm!!!!! It's official, Joey is narrating the book!

[astaldis]

The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.

Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.

So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.

Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.

[astaldis]

Kelpie.

[astaldis]

it’s June 22nd: Litha

The fourth event of Witcher Wheel of the Year 2025 is now live!

the prompts were:

springs/wells - berries - water spirits

burn/brand - wreath - fortune telling - flower of the fern

Post your fanworks, tag as #witcherwheeloftheyear and/or @witcherwheeloftheyear

A Witcher Wheel of the Year will be a series of events all through the year 2025 - rules and details here

The prompts for Lammas on August 1st are:

hunger - reaper/reaping - noon wraith

ploughing - herbs - thunder - crops

Prompt for Mabon on September 22nd will be revealed next week!

[astaldis]

The Book of Purrs has artived, so cute! Bestest birthday present 🎁 for my daughter! (And what's even better, I can keep it till the end of October 😊) 🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛

[astaldis]

@witcherwheeloftheyear @juneofdoom @witchermonstermayhem

For the Witcher Wheel of Time Litha prompts "Wreath" & "Flower of the fern", the Witchery Monster Bingo prompts "hunted", "Midnight" & "Full moon" and the June of Doom prompts 6 "Hopelessness" and 30 "Crying". Enjoy!

"Ferns Don't Flower"

Summary:

Finally, darkness has fallen on this shortest night of the year. Litha, the night of the summer solstice, a mythical night of celebration and magic. The villagers have lit the bonfires, and music and singing invites to dance and make merry. Soon, couples will jump the fire together, a good omen for their relationship if they succeed.   However, not everybody's eyes are turned toward the fires and the celebrating crowd in their best traditional garments, no. Two beautiful, identical-looking young girls with colourful flower wreaths in their hair gaze toward the dark shadow of the nearby forest. They nod at each other. Then, hand in hand, they sneak away from the bonfires and festivities. It cannot be long until midnight now, the magical hour when, for a very short time, the flower of the fern will bloom in the deepest, most magical parts of the wilderness. And they will find it ...   OR: The night of the summer solstice goes very different for Coën and Cahir than planned.

Teen and up, Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Words: 2,388

[astaldis]

My illustration for the Witcher zine with Geralt's team. On the road to Toussaint.

[astaldis]

ship:

Lambert/Milva

fic:

Milva at Kaer Morhen by Molanna

After the fight at Stygga, an injured Milva wakes up at Kaer Morhen to the voice of a tall stranger with unkempt red hair and a wild, red beard. A very annoying stranger.