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prismatales · 5 years

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Endeavor with a quirkless child

These headcanons had already been requested before, but it felt like they were a bit messy and rushed so I opted to remake it as much as I could. Hope you enjoy it. This is going to be a long post.

Part 2 - Part 3

WARNING: Mentions of child negligence, panic attacks, mentions of abuse.

• You are Shoto's twin sister and youngest of the Todoroki siblings, your birth was a surprise for the whole family since the doctors only noticed one baby during the whole pregnancy and Rei didn't even look like she was carrying twins.

• You have your father's hair and eye color while the rest came from your mother, being a carbon copy of her with the same facial features and eye shape, it was like seeing Rei with a red wig and contacts.

• When Shoto's quirk manifested but yours didn't Enji waited for a while, but eventually he suspected his daughter was quirkless when there was no change, he took you to the doctor anyways, to confirm his suspicion.

• His guess had been right, you were indeed quirkless, after the doctor gave the diagnosis his whole attitude had changed, he barely paid you attention on the way home, but the moment you came back home it was like you didn't even exist, he wouldn't even look at you.

• His treatment caused a huge rift between you and your twin, Shoto wished your father would ignore him like he did to you, you wished he would at least remember your name. your other siblings -especially Touya- and your mother made sure to show you as much affection as possible, with Rei it was a bit harder though, she loved you but the sight of your hair and eye color would made her uneasy, then everything started going downhill.

• Her mental health had been greatly affected by your father's constant abuse, this proved to be fatal the day she accidently hurt Shoto, your father didn't hesitate when he sent her away. Then the day Touya died the rift got worse. Fuyumi ended up having to step in and take care of Shoto, who you barely talked or interacted with, your father made sure you wouldn't go anywhere near his "masterpiece" and distract him from his training, Natsuo took over Touya's place and helped take care of you, trying to spend as much time with you as possible, out of all your family you ended up taking after him the most.

• Eventually you ended up spending less time with Natsuo and Fuyumi, Natsuo was busy in high school and with after school activities, sometimes he wouldn't even sleep home, staying over his at his friend's house during study session. Meanwhile Fuyumi started college, she was always busy with her studies and with chores, sometimes you'd try helping her when it was obvious how stressed out she was. Being home alone with people that treated you like a ghost was hard. By the time Shoto and you were about to start high school there was no difference in your relationship, the two of you barely knew each other, let alone talk.

• Neither Shoto or your Dad realized you were also going to attend class in U.A., you had done everything yourself and convinced Fuyumi of helping you when it came to sign important stuff.

• A few days before school started you made the decision to dye your hair -sporting a pixie cut- a different color in order to avoid being recognized as a Todoroki, being in the Support department meant you'd probably end up interacting with your brother's class, and the last thing you wanted was to get his attention.

• It was during the sports festival people found out you were Endeavor's child. apart from your classmates and the school staff nobody else in school was aware you were a Todoroki. Personally you blamed Present Mic, he had been so excited during the obstacles race and accidently yelled out your full name, (Name) Todoroki. You could feel your heart rate dropping significantly, your secret was out.

• "EEEEEHHHH?!?!?!?!"

• The whole stadium was in chaos, everyone was yelling, you could hear some of Shoto's classmates screaming "that's your sister?!" Your brother was speechless, Fuyumi and Natsuo knew this would happen, the whole school was shocked. For the first time in years your Father had noticed you...and he was furious.

• During the Cavalry Battle the feeling of your father staring your way was pretty obvious, even from afar the feeling of his glare almost digging a hole into the back of your head was pretty obvious.

• After the Cavalry battle was over and the other activities started many students were trying to approach you, thankfully your friends made it easier to escape. It wasn't a surprise this would happen once people realized who you were, but to suddenly being roughly grabbed by the arm and dragged away by your father as soon as you were in the clear certainly was a surprise you did not see coming.

• Endeavor had confronted you, what were you doing in U.A. distracting Shoto and what had you done to your hair, he still hadn't let go of your now aching arm, you could only wince by how much it hurt, a bruise would definitely appear.

• "If you paid any attention you would know I'm staying as far away from him just like you ordered or did you forget I'm not allowed to talk to my own brother because I'm nothing more than a failure?" He wasn't expecting you to talk back, neither did he expect the way you glared at him, it was a glare filled with spite and frustration, he recognized that kind of look, it was the same way he glared at All Might. It was an Irony, his youngest daughter may not have a quirk, and she may have her mother's face, but that glare was one-hundred percent his, it easily rivaled Shoto's.

• The moment he made a threat about pulling you out of school he quickly regreted his words "So that's how it is? you're going to get rid of another distraction aren't you? Just like you did with Mom!? Just like you did with Touya?!" the shock of your words quickly made him let go of your arm on reflex, an ugly bruise had already shown up.

• It was at that moment Enji finally took a good look at you, he was expecting a scared and docile child, but now? that look filled with hatred was proof enough you weren't said kid anymore. Before he could do anything else you had already ran away from him, neither of you had noticed Shoto had been listening on the conversation.

• After the Sports Festival was over the whole school went on break, during those days Enji slowly started to notice your presence around the house, every now and then he would hear Fuyumi and you talking, the conversations were often short, he asked her about it, She mentioned that you were often on your phone talking with Natsuo when he wasn't busy with college since he was closer to you than her, sometimes it made her sad to know you were closer to him, but you always made sure to let her know how much you appreciated her, it's just that Shoto needed her more than you did.

• The relationship with Shoto a bit more complex, it was hard for him to talk to you considering your habit of avoiding him, at first he felt hurt, but with some time and patience you eventually stopped, the both of you would make small talk every now and then, it was awkward but it was a start, the truth is the both of you hadn't really made an attempt to talk. Until the day you had run into each other when he went to visit your mother, who you often visited since middle school, Rei had thought you two were getting along and was so happy, neither of you had the courage to tell her it had been just a coincidence so you both opted to make an effort to mend your relationship as siblings. As a way to start over he offered to introduce you to his classmates once class started again, you did the same.

• When it came to Enji though, it was obvious you were ignoring him, If he came into the same room you were in, you would get up and leave without hesitation. You wouldn't answer if he tried to talk to you and if he insisted all he'd get was a blank look or a glare, a snappy response every now an then.

• The only time you wouldn't leave was during dinner, mostly because Fuyumi and Shoto convinced you to stay, otherwise you would have stayed in your room, the dinner had been awkward, you had stayed and talked with your siblings, but refused to acknowledge your father's existence. Enji was starting to get annoyed by your "childish demeanor".

• During the internships he contacted the support company that was in charge of his costume, they were more than happy to offer "Endeavor's daughter" an internship with them. When you found out you had been furious, the moment they contacted you they never referred to you as anything other than his daughter, you hated it, all the blood, sweat and tears you put into your work and what do they call you? "Endeavor's Daughter", Not (Name) Todoroki.

• Enji and you had an argument, you had rejected the internship, you were going to get it based on your achievements, not with his help. He told you "The mere fact you have my last name is already helping you being noticed, you're still a child, you could use their help!" you gave him an incredulous look, This.meant.war.

• A few days later he barged into your room after receiving a notification with a huge bill on his credit card from an expensive hair salon (Shoto had stolen his credit card and took you to get your hair done by a professional recommended by Kirishima, turns out you had messed up with your hair dye).

• Enji noticed you weren't there but your laptop was left on, the content on the screen caught his attention, you had an assignment from school that consisted of creating a Powerpoint presentation where you had to recommend ideas for support items or upgrades for official Pro-heroes, maybe it was bad luck or someone thought it would be a nice joke, but you ended up being assigned to work on his hero costume. What caught his attention was how your work was so professional.

• The presentation had a picture a journalist had taken of him during patrol, he had to admit you actually picked one of his favorite ones. The presentation itself was nicely elaborated, you were meticulously pointing out how his costume worked, the materials used so the costume wouldn't burn away by his flames, how some aspects could be better and possible upgrades that could be implemented without changing the design as well, an example was a temperature regulator like the one present on Shoto's newest costume. He was impressed nonetheless.

• Besides the Laptop was a stack of papers, they were your notes from school, test results and report cards, he felt like a child peeking on something he shouldn't. the only thing he could think to defend himself was "As your father I have the right to know about your grades" while looking thought the report card. It was excellent, all of your subjects had perfect scores, every single question on every single test was answered correctly. There was post-it notes from your teacher congratulating you for your grades, even letters with offers for possible internships with other support agencies. You were easily the Number 1 student in the support course. All this time he thought you only went to U.A. to mess around with Shoto. He didn't realize you were a genius. No wonder you had been so angry.

• By the time Shoto and you were back Enji wanted to talk to you about your grades, but stopped in his tracks when he saw what you had done to your hair this time. It was blond, but not any shade of bond, it was exactly the same color as All Might's. He nearly burned down the house.

• It wasn't until All Might's fight against All for One that Enji began to think about the things he did and the lives he ruined, how his actions ended up breaking Rei to the point she had to be sent to a hospital, the ways he hurt all of his family, how the majority of his children probably despised him, and what he could do to try and fix his mistakes. The day he was forced to take the mantle of the No.1 Hero left a bitter taste on his mouth, how could he accept the title of the new symbol of peace?!

• After his conversation with All-Might about the true meaning of being a hero, he made an oath to try and fix his relationship with his family...he wished it was that easy. He didn't know where to start.

• He tried to be more present in your lives, He asked Fuyumi when was your birthday: "It's on January 11" "No, that's Shoto's birthday" Fuyumi didn't know wether to laugh or cry in frustration "...Dad...they're twins..." "..."

• Enji would leave gifts outside of your door, hours later he would find them in the trash, not even opened. He tried to be present during Shoto's hero license course just to end up being ignored, when he told him he would become a hero his son could be proud of, boy did you rub off on Shoto pretty quick. "Maybe you should start by becoming a half-decent father to begin with" ...Ouch...

• After the fight with the high-end nomu he ended up on the hospital in critical condition, during one of his visits Hawks told him a young fan had asked about his condition, he paid no attention to that. Enji was released from the hospital and came home to find all his children having lunch, Natsuo, Shoto and you were busy slurping soba, but you were not looking at him or anyone else, there was a mix of doubt and distress on your face.

• When Natsuo tried to leave, Enji tried to stop him to stay and talk, all hell broke loose, he talked about how their mother and Fuyumi were trying to forgive him, about growing up having to hear Rei screaming and Shoto crying, he talked about Touya, and then he mentioned you, the look you gave Natsuo was a plead to stop, but he didn't. He was furious.

• "I know you complained about her hair, but do you even know why (Name) did it in the first place?! The first time she went with us to see mom she had a relapse when she saw (Name) because her hair reminded her of everything she went through! (Name) ended up having a breakdown once we came back home, I went looking for her when I heard her screaming and you know what I saw? I saw my little sister with a pair of scissors and almost all of her hair cut off!" Enji was speechless, he thought it was just teenage rebellion or pettiness, you couldn't help but look away in shame.

• That night Shoto talked to him, he knew the reason you were so down, you both had moved into the school dorms and were together when the Nomu attacked, he was there when you had a panic attack the moment everyone thought the Nomu had killed him, it took a long time for his teacher to calm you down, the aftermath ended up leaving you with an internal conflict. Then Enji found out it was you who had gone to the hospital, YOU, the daughter he had neglected the most out of all his children.

• Didn't you hate him? Why had you been so afraid if you "hated" him? did you wanted to forgive him? yes, he's your father, but did you have to? did he deserve it? all those thoughts had gone through your head during that moment, you weren't on good terms with him, but you didn't want him dead either.

• He made the decision to talk to you in private.

• You had been confused when your teacher said you were needed at home after class, and someone would come pick you up. Why hadn't Shoto been called?

• You didn't expect to see Endeavor's personal chauffer waiting outside, along with your father who said he needed to talk to you in private.

• The ride was awkward and silent, Enji noticed your body language, back rigid, hands gripping tightly on your uniform, slight shaking, you were clearly nervous and uncomfortable, this was the first time you two had been this close to each other. Until the car stopped in front of a place that made you relax a bit, it was your favorite cafe.

• He found out you frequented this place through social media, He saw a few pics from people mentioning how the Todoroki twins came at least once a week. it was small and cozy place, it felt like home.

• Once you both had picked a table away from other customers and ordered your drinks did Enji start speaking.

• He didn't realize how much his treatment had affected your whole family until it was too late, he asked for your forgiveness for everything he did to you and the others, for being a terrible father, for the way he neglected you, for the way he screamed at you once for trying to talk to Shoto when you were younger, for not realizing how much potential you had. Then he handed you a folder.

• "These are papers for an emancipation request, if you want to move away from home I won't reject your decision, and I'll provide you with all the financial support you ask for, all you have to do is sign the document, a lawyer will take care of everything else and work as an intermediary if you wish not to talk anymore, I'll understand".

• Enji thought you would sign right away by your silence, that you were reviewing the details of his offer, he didn't consider you would close the folder, there was no anger or fear in your face, you were calm.

• "Please understand one thing...I...I'd like to say that I forgive you, I don't...hate you, but you just can't expect things to change overnight, it's not that easy, you hurt our family for years. If you really want me to forgive you...prove me you can change, if you're willing to make up for everything, not with money or connections, but with your actions, maybe, just maybe I can actually see you as my da--as my f-father" you reached out for a handshake, a truce, he looked at your hand for a few seconds before reaching out, you were giving him a chance, and he would make sure not to waste it.

• Slowly your dynamic changed, the first time he noticed was when you stopped ignoring him like before, something as simple as a "good morning" was enough, dinner wasn't awkward between the two of you anymore, Natsuo was still hesitant to forgive him, but he was being civilized for your sake. Fuyumi was so happy when she noticed you stopped reaching out for her to sign anything school related, now Enji was the one taking care of everything, making sure to let you know he was proud of your work.

• How did he realize you were starting to make amends? Your hair.

• A few months later Enji heard you and Shoto talking in the living room. "Your roots are starting to show, are you going to retouch your hair soon?" "ah...no, not anymore" you ran your fingers through it, your red hair was clearly visible, it was starting to look like a bob cut "I'm going to leave it natural again". You were finally starting to accept him.

I'm considering doing a part 2 mainly from Shoto's perspective, I have some headcanons that would fit him instead of Enji.

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yoificfinder · 4 years

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Hey love, hope you are doing well ✨ I was wondering if you have any recommendations regarding side characters (personality analysis, friendship etc.) I absolutely adore all the side characters in the YOIverse however there are not many fics revolving around them so if you know any good ones, it'd be great!! Thank you so much in advance 💟

Hey dear nonnie! This took a long time, I hope you're still here. I combed through ao3 to find fics I remember that fit your request and discovered new gems along the way! Many of these are not popular/underrated but I guarantee that they're good reads so I hope you (and anyone else who finds this) enjoy! If only for that reason alone, I really hope this rec list becomes one of the most popular posts in this blog (I would really appreciate a reblog!) so these fics/authors can receive more love! Plus this is the most exhaustive and time-consuming rec list I've made so far (but I still feel that I missed a lot so other recs are welcome!).

Without further ado, here are some great YOI side-characters' stories in canonverse:

(Don't) Give A Damn by @forochel [T, 9K]

Mari, through the years.

an open door by tripcyclone [G, 8K]

Lilia never wanted children of her own, but caring for Victor gives her a glimpse into the life she chose to pass by.

Beautiful In Knowing by @val-creative [T, 1K]

Sara knew she was a girl, even if nobody else did or believed her.

She ordered Michele to call her "Lady Sara" from now on. He would roll his eyes and grumble, but never attempt to misgender her. She liked "Sara" — it meant "lady, princess, noblewoman". And she would never go back to her deadname.

by any other name by iguanastevens [T, 2K]

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Yuri's life as told by the names he's given; or, how Yuri's names direct his life.

Feathers on the Ice by Kiranokira / @kyashin [E, 79K]

After dinner and a bath and quality hamster time, snuggled in bed cocooned within his eight entirely necessary pillows, Phichit indulges himself and investigates Seung-gil's hashtag. There isn’t much from Seung-gil himself, but Seung-gil's fans are many and dedicated. Amid the photos of Seung-gil at competitions or practicing and the few candid shots of Seung-gil in airports or out on the streets of Seoul, there’s a very recent professional video uploaded by user andjoy_studio.

Phichit clicks on it, and his life changes.

fermata by perbe [T, 3K]

When one is patchwork of growth plates and bruises, it is inevitable that one must admire boys with words a size too big, as if they know down to their bones that they are meant for something greater.

I used to burn for you, Otabek thinks.

(A character study on Otabek's reaction to his placement at the Grand Prix Finals.)

Go On Ahead by @kiaronna [G, 2K]

Sour, grouchy Yakov didn’t understand sparkly purple skate outfits or wanting to eat your weight in sweets or having crushes on boys.

But Viktor did.

Gossips, Chinese whispers and misunderstandings by womanroaring [M, 8K]

Series of short stories relating to how certain (often perfectly innocent) scenes in Yuri On Ice would have looked from the outside. And just the gossip and stuff that would have surrounded them.

I am Yuri Plisetsky by rinsled05 / @dreaming-fireflies [M, 1K]

Who is Yuri Plisetsky?

He's not Agape.

Not a “prima donna” ballerina.

And definitely no Russian fairy.

No, Yuri Plisetsky is an angry, loud, in-your-face, Russian tiger who will take to the ice and give you a brilliant gold-worthy performance you will never forget.

... a piece on Yuri's rationale for skating to "Welcome to the Madness". Rated for the actual foul-mouthed language in the story itself, courtesy of one Yuri Plisetsky.

if friends were flowers i'd pick you by windupbirdgirl / @tanpopori [G, 4K]

Yuuko thinks of Yuuri’s skating, beautiful and flawed. She thinks of Yuuri sitting with the girls instead of the other boys at practice. She thinks of Yuuri and Viktor, the posters of him he asks her to buy him for birthdays. The posters he wouldn't ask anyone else to buy.

“Oh, Yuuri.” She bites her nails, ruining the carefully applied polish. She doesn’t care at all.

Sitting in that tiny bedroom, she makes a big decision.

if love is king, who wears the crown by @crollalanzaa [G, 1K]

“Second is seen as nothing,” Christophe had derided.

“But that moment you glide onto the ice, that hush of the audience, and that expectation, isn’t that worth something?”

“You speak as if you know. You used to skate?"

Past tense. It still stung, even if it was expected.

Minako knows exactly what it's like to be at the top of your game, and she remembers the descent just as clearly.

if she wants me by renaissance [G, 6K]

Hiroko and Minako, then and now.

kagura by night by seventhstar / @pencilwalla [T, 1K]

The world around her is like the mountains.

A mortal lifespan is narrow; mortals watch the mountain’s unchanging faces, unravaged by the same measure of time that takes a human from dust to dust, and think them immortal in comparison. But stone erodes, just as flesh decays. It just takes longer.

If she watches long enough, everything changes. Languages drift until all the words she learned before are meaningless. Technology changes until she ceases to believe in magic because human ingenuity is more infinite than the stars. What is beautiful, what is polite, what is wrong, what is right—time, given its way, reshapes all.

But Minako’s body remains as it has always been. That’s why she loves to dance, she supposes; it’s the one thing time cannot take from her.

Katsudon by @azriona [G, 8K]

Hiroko doesn’t need to see to coat pork cutlets in egg and panko. She has made this dish for her family for over thirty years; she’ll make it another thirty, if she’s lucky.

Now she makes it for Yuuri and Victor as they fly home from Barcelona, with silver around their necks and gold around their fingers.

keep me steady as we go by strikinglight [G, 3K]

When Isabella stood and crossed the room to where he sat she saw her notebook open in his lap, turned to the last page of their to-do list, all but three items crossed off with less than a month to the wedding date. License. Ceremony. Everything after. She saw the angle of his gaze, too, not on the words but straight ahead, staring blank and glassy and brittle into some invisible place she still wasn’t sure she could follow him to, yet. And yet she had been the one who’d promised to try—and to keep promising, forever and forever.

Kooks by BoxWineConfessions [G, 3K]

Mari clasps her right hand across her left hand and rests them both atop her growing stomach. “I guess you’re just lucky that your father, I mean your other father, my brother-“ Mari giggles. “God, it all sounds so weird, doesn’t it? Do you care? Do you care that we’re all so fucked up and we don’t care at all?” Mari laughs again. It’s all she can do when she hurts this much, and wants a cigarette this much, but can’t stop smiling despite the fact that her body seems to hate her so much. “Well he means the world to me. That’s why I have you.”

Living in the Maybe by @adrianners [T, 6K]

It wasn’t hard to spot a 180cm platinum blond in Fukuoka International Airport. Especially when he was the only person wearing sunglasses. Indoors. At night.

Mari picks Viktor up at the airport when he returns from Moscow. Without Yuuri there to play his usual role of interpreter, they learn to communicate around their linguistic, cultural, and personal barriers.

post tenebras lux by @alykapediaaa [T, 1K]

“Which skater would you say has inspired your skating the most?”

The question catches him unaware, so much so that he’s rendered speechless. It’s only when he sees Yakov lean towards the microphone to answer in his stead that Yuri blurts out the first name that comes to mind.

“Yuuri Katsuki.”

The Best Men by @kiaronna [Not Rated, 5K]

Just as Viktor lives to surprise, Christophe Giacometti lives to scandalize, to sensationalize. But innocent little Phichit Chulanont is proving to be an impossible victim.

OR: where Christophe tries very hard to get under one Thai skater’s skin, and instead finds himself all over the younger skater’s Instagram feed and wrapped around his finger.

the city of bridges by @stammiviktor [T, 5K]

After three flights, a train ride, and dinner at the Katsukis' table, Yakov finally sees Hasetsu through Viktor's eyes.

The First Cut by BoxWineConfessions [E, 27K]

People made divorce seem like this long drawn out and ugly process, but it really wasn’t. He bought the town home for Isabella as a gift, and so it was hers. The flat down town would go to him, as it was closer to the rink. They paid off her medical school loans last fall, so that was done too. He had a few cars, which she unanimously agreed were his to keep, so long as she could keep her Corvette. She changed her vanity plate from Dr. Leroy to Dr. Yang. He saw it parked out front of the courthouse.

trials of Coach Yakov series by @naraht [T and M, 40K]

Summaries of fics in the series:

1. Forced to share a bed with Victor at the Sochi Grand Prix Final, Yakov learns more than he wants to know.

2. Yakov attempts to prepare Yuri for his transition to Seniors. Yuri doesn't care to listen.

3. No sex while you're competing – this is Yakov's rule. His athletes often have other ideas.

4. In 1980, Yakov Feltsman is the USSR's skating hero. At a dull official reception, he defends his loyalty to the motherland – and makes the acquaintance of a beautiful young dancer from the Bolshoi.

5. In which both Victor and Yakov have to remake themselves – Victor after his first Olympic gold and Yakov after his divorce.

Tz'ror by athoroughlybakedpotato [T, 3K]

Yakov changes much slower than the times do, but steadiness is not always a bad thing.

---

ETA - Other people's rec:

curtain of lies by @mandolinearts

JJ's Bizarre Adventure by Falahime

Landscapes of Spring and Summer by @myyoitrashblog

The Melancholy of Georgi Popovich by Falahime

+ a lot more recs on this reblog!!

Thanks for the rec, @vilchen, @genuine-firefly, @adrianners, and @kaleidodreams! ❤

#yuri on ice #yoi #yoi fic rec #yoi fanfic #side characters

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absoluteyoongit · 4 years

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Just Dance pt. 1

⇢ pairing: bestfriend!Hoseok x dancer!Reader, more pairings to come

⇢ genre: fluff

⇢ word count: 1.7K

⇢ warnings: just some swearing

⇢ series summary: Jung Hoseok, your best friend since childhood, is one of the best parts of your life. You have always supported him with everything, including his band BTS. Hoseok always kept you a secret from the rest of the group, but now he’s ready to introduce you to everyone. Who knew your presence would improve the members lives, one more than others.

⇢ author’s note: Hey guys! This is the first part of a series I'm concocting. Not much happens in this chapter, it’s just setting the scene, but I hope you all like it. I hopefully will post a new update once a week. So stay tuned!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

You have always been the type of person to let one thing after another pile up and completely ruin your day. Today was just one of those fucking days that wouldn’t let you catch a break.

You looked up just to see heavy dark clouds fill the sky. You frown as the first couple drops hit your forehead, your mood instantly plummeting further down the drain.

“Why does it have to rain right now,” you mumbled aloud as you continued trudging home from work.

The tapping of rain on your head was the last thing you needed right now. The steady tempo lulled you into a stupor and all you could think about was how horrible your day was as you mindlessly walked home.

Your alarm had not woken you up this morning like it usually did, making you rush out of the house without breakfast so you could make it to class. The professor didn’t appreciate your sweaty asthma induced labor walking in 15 minutes late for class. Your sheepish smile hid the actual heat death of the only dignity you had left.

At work, a woman complained three times in a row that her coffee was made incorrectly and you had to remake that very coffee three times in a row. By the third time you remade her drink you could had killed that Karen with the glare that hid behind the sickly sweet smile on your face. That was when your boss told you to go home, no longer able to put up with your attitude.

You huffed remembering how the woman’s nose turned up every time she practically threw her coffee back at you. It wasn’t like you didn’t know what you were doing. You have been working at the same damn coffee shop for three years now and not one person complained about your coffee before.

Now it rained even harder, the cold seeping into your bones. The fuzzy coat you wore today did nothing but capture more rain and your feet squished inside of your sneakers. You were soaked and bitter.

All you wanted right now was to warm up and cheer up. You made it your mission to always have some happiness during the day even if the majority of it sucked. Coming to a stop at an intersection you finally raised your head up seeing the road that would lead you home and the road that would lead you to the dance studio you volunteered part-time at.

You knew that no classes were being held right now and your manager, Joowon, would be just handling desk work. You could have the whole studio to yourself to dance freely.

With new determination you spun on your heels and headed toward the studio. The heaviness of your shoulders immediately lessened. You had a pretty average but busy life, but you would always find time for dancing. It always put you in a good mood.

By the time you reached the dance studio your face was beaming. Pulling the front door open blasted you with the warmth you knew you would find.

Sliding your feet across the mat at the door you removed the matted fuzzy coat you were wearing. With the jacket gone you felt ten pounds lighter but even with the main culprit gone you were still completely drenched.

“Joowon-oppa! Where are you! I am in desperate need of a hug.”

“I am in the office! Where else would I be?”

A sly smile crept onto your face as you tiptoed over to your friend, trying to keep the squeaks of your shoes down to a minimum. You knew that the studio was pretty soundproof and Joowon probably has not noticed the heavy amounts of rain falling from the sky.

Opening the office door with a small creek, you saw the back of Joowon. He was a few yes older than you, not that it would matter, but he wasn’t the type to care for honorifics. He was one of your only friends, the older brother type who I could always count on if I needed help, and you were so grateful for him.

Joowon’s shoulders looked tense and his hair was disheveled, like he had ran a mile through his hair. The air around him suggested that he was also not having the greatest day, which made you sad.

Maybe a nice hug would brighten his day.

“Joowon!” You yelled, throwing your arms around his shoulders.

The combination of your damp skin and clothes, along with your sudden outcry had Joowon jump in his seat.

“Yah! Y/n. Don’t do that,” Joowon huffed, grasping his chest, looking at you with wide eyes.

You shrugged, tucking some wet hair behind your ear, “You knew I was here. Should’ve expected that from me honestly.”

Joowon gave an annoyed look, “You could have scared me and not gotten me wet,” he gestured to his now slightly damp back.

Shrugging again, you went around and plopped down in the chair across from him. “I’m sorry. You looked kinda stressed so I wanted to loosen you up a bit. Did it work?”

You stared at him expectedly wanting an answer to his dejected look.

Joowon sighed looking back down, “I am just working out some money stuff. Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing too bad yet.”

He raised his gaze back to yours as you raised your eyebrows in worry and disbelief.

“I promise if something was really wrong I would let you know,” he let out with a small chuckle.

You nodded in acceptance. This place was like a second home to you and Joowon knew it. He would let you know if he was in jeopardy. Standing up, you headed towards the door.

“Okay. I am gonna head to studio one,” glancing back at your friend, “Please let me know though if I can do anything to help.”

“I will.”

--------

You stared at your reflection in the wall to wall mirror of the studio. You wore one of the backup outfits you had stashed in the office for situations like this. It was just a plain black sports bra with blood red biker shorts. While it was one of the simpler looks you usually wore, it was one of the ones that made you feel the most powerful.

Turning to the phone in your hand you scrolled through songs you were planning on creating choreography for to post on your YouTube channel. That was you. y/n: part-time barista, part-time student, part-time dance instructor, part-time youtuber.

You only made dance videos. It wasn’t much deeper than that, even though some fans comment on how they would love if you vlogged or had sit downs with them. You just wanted a space to share your love of dancing.

Nothing was catching your eye as you scrolled through the music. “What am I feeling? What am I feeling, huh?” you mumbled before your eyes landed on a certain song. A small smile graced your face. Content with your decision, you set it to repeat and played the song.

The sound of gunshot echoing in the room got you riled up as UGH! by BTS started playing over the speakers.

Relaxing, you let your body move to the music, feeling it out. Your process to create choreography was to do what felt right with the music and refining it from there.

You loved BTS. Not just because they were talented and made great music but because your best friend since childhood, Jung Hoseok, was one of the members.

As the song ended for the tenth time, you felt like you made enough progress for the day. You were sure that you would have a fully-fledged out dance by the end of the week.

As you packed up, your mind wandered to Hoseok. You missed him so much. He was your only friend growing up and dancing was something you both shared.

All the days and nights practicing, the breakdowns when either of you thought you were not good enough, all the times Hoseok cried to you when his father would belittle him. Those memories and experiences forged an unbreakable bond that is still strong, even with him traveling the world.

You were always his number one supported and he never forgot that.

When BTS first debuted, he had called you first, basically screaming at you over the phone in excitement. You obviously matched his excitement tenfold, jumping and yelling with him. That was one of your happiest memories.

You have been with Hoseok every step of the way; comforting him when haters said he was ugly and untalented, facetiming each other to create choreography for their songs and even helping him write lyrics.

You were his secret weapon. Literally a secret because he hasn’t told the other boys about you. He wanted you to be his best friend. He didn’t want to share and he knew he would have to if the others knew about you. You were just that special to him. A piece of home.

You didn’t mind keeping your existence a secret, knowing how much it meant to him. You just wanted to have a happy and supported Hoseok, no matter what you had to do. Even if that meant pretending to be his mother when another member would interrupt your call, or hiding from view when Jimin would make an appearance during one of your studio facetimes sessions.

It was all worth it. Even if it meant seeing him in person less when he was home or losing sleep to talk to him when there was a large time difference. You would do anything to not lose him. He was one of the best things in your life.

Hoseok supported and loved you as much as you loved him. He would express it as often and in as many ways as he could. Sometimes he would mobile order your favorite coffee when he was on the other side of the world.

You finished packing and started your trek back home. Thankfully it had stopped raining but that didn’t stop you from splashing in puddles on the way. You smiled at the thought of Hoseok; It had been a week since you last talked to him and to you that was unacceptable.

You’ll have to call him when you get home and ask how he’s doing.

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twilightvolt · 4 years

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Well....that was one way to start a new decade, i guess. > >’

Ok, from the death and destruction to the quarantine caused by viral disease to large parts of the world literally going up in flames, this year was like an ominous beginning that revealed the true ugly colors of everyone around us.

But there’s something telling me that that was just the universe releasing all of it’s built up rage from the last decade, so to think on the bright side, the only way to go is up now, right?

Regardless, pushing all the crap that happened this year aside, this feels like one of my best years yet in terms of art. i don’t think there’s any wedge of this clock that i wasn’t completely satisfied with and i had a TON of tough decisions on what to put in said wedges cuz i just luved almost everything i’ve created this year.

If you’re up to it, i’ll have my usual month to month reflection under the cutoff, but if you’re not, i hope to keep giving y’all even better art next year! ^ ^

So without further ado, let’s review!

January: ~ Days ~

Runner up: Team Solar Rises Again! (drawing in celebration of PMD finally returning with a remake of the first game)

Kicking off right where 2019 left off, i was hot on the heels of my Beastars phase, still cranking out countless drawings and doodles, mostly featuring Legoshi, and even hanging around the Beastars Amino and making some new friends there. this piece in particular i think encapsulates what i was mostly doing at the time, making up stories and stuff within canon to give myself more wolf boi content. which is something that i rarely do normally since i’ve mostly just done OC related writing before this.

February: - Sk8ter Wolf -

Runner up: Re:Hukaro (That thing i drew for Moon)

Ahh yes, the day i peaked with punk rock energy and created something in a highschool notebook sketch style. ngl, with the release of Beastars’ english dub on the way and the fandom quickly growing, i felt like i was on fire with the amount of stuff i was drawing. i felt so inspired and things can’t possibly go bad.

Or can it?

March: We Can Be Heroes

Runner up: One More Day, Emo Bird Boi Sketchies

Ahh yes, the month the worldwide quarantine started because they discovered the virus around this time. from this point onward, time pretty much meant absolutely nothing since i was stuck indoors for a majority of the year, only going out if i had to. on top of that, i tried a little attempt at a fandub and got picked on immediately by yahoos on Youtube. it...wasn’t fun.

I tried doing a little challenge i made up called Animarch where i drew a drawing representing anime i liked every day, but i only got about 5 days in i think? ehh, whatever. i did try, so that means something. lol

April: - ANOTHER SIDE -

Runner up: BEAST CROSSING ~Legoshi & Raymond

This was pretty much the final month i drew anything Beastars related as i slowly started shifting back to Pokemon due to the wait for season 2. but not before getting the new Animal Crossing and drawing a thing with Raymond and Legoshi that would blow up with hundreds of notes and interactions across every platform i posted it on. lmao

Regardless, i feel like Another Side was a perfect way to end that phase of my art journey. it’s like a nice finale to a long string of ideas that i will totally return to once season 2 drops next year.

May: - KOUJI -

Runner up: Fashion (that sketch of Alex and Jet in casual clothing)

What happened this month again? oh right, i went back to Digimon for a hot minute cuz i continued playing the copy of Cyber Sleuth Complete that i won from a giveaway on Twitter and created Alex and Jet, my latest Tamer and her Hawkmon partner. i should really do some more stuff with them.

ANYWAY,

June: - DOUBLE TROUBLE -

Runner up: “No Time to Waste! HENSHIN!” (AF attack against IonicIsaac on Twitter), Cafe Mix ~Ace, Yagami, Lance and Seliph

Art Fight. third year. and this time i kicked things up a notch and beat my old record from last year!...after uhh....cramming in 8 attacks at the very last night and totally going insane from the amount of sleep i lost. ^ ^’

But trust me when i say i will NOT do that again next year, i swear.

July: Squad Up

Runner up: Comin’ Out to Stun (Jet the Hawk sketches)

So after playing and beating PMDX, i started fleshing out Lance and Selpih’s characters and made more art and stories surrounding them and the rest of the team. one of those being a drawing for Mystery Dungeon Day, which happens the day after Odaiba Day. which is in August. why did i put this down for July then? some questions just don’t need to be answered.

August: - TOGETHER -

Runner up: In the Storm

You can tell by now just how uneventful life was this year cuz i have literally nothing else to talk about other than the art parts. no life issues, no big adventures like moving or something. just....indoor stuff.

It’s...kinda sad, now that i think about it. but hey, at least i was making the most of my time, trying new things and getting around a bit more.

September: Small World

Runner up: Rescue Together, PMD Forever!, Midnight Adventuring, Down Time

So this year, i turned 21, which a lotta people say is important. not really, if you can’t do much i guess. though, i did crank out a ton of art i’m super satisfied with as you can see by how hard it was to frickin’ pick one to use for this month’s wedge on the clock.

October: Feathers of the Shadows

Runner up: PAPERMOON - Final Mix - (not picked because it’s a touch up of an older drawing)

Hoo boi, this month was crazy. cuz i drew a whole lotta e d g e .....and a whole lotta Murkrow. lol

It was fun letting my inner edgelord out this month. even if nothing really significant happened in reality.

November: ~ One More Game ~

Runner up: UPokerap Project: Frogadier, - LEAF STORM -

This month....was actually kinda rough. it was basically me falling into a depressive episode after a scare at the dentist made me worry about my self image and insecurities again. but this time it really hit me just how much permanent damage i’ve done to myself in that aspect of my appearance. i know i shouldn’t worry so much, but it’s not great when people tell you to smile when the most i can do is grin since i’m just so....unhappy with my teeth.

But then around the end of the month, i stumbled upon a Pokemon themed Discord server with people that made me feel....not as alone as i suddenly felt i was. which i’m glad i could meet them even after only knowing them for a month now. if they’re reading this, i hope you know i’m thankful for raising my spirits when there’s still things i just can’t do due to financial issues.

December: Colors of the Heart + Happy Holidays! ~Grovyle ver.

Runner up: ~ After the Battle ~ (the two part KHII anniversary drawing), - XIII -, Sketchmon: Buizel

And now this month. on top of my insecurities, i’ve now been struggling with my frustration with not being noticed as much as i should, watching as some people quickly climb up in following when i’m going much slower. honestly, i feel like the months when everything started lightening up for the world....was when things started falling apart for me. yeah, i know. pretty depressing way to end, huh? i hit 300 before the year ended thanks to the support from my new friends though, so i’m actually pretty happy.

But that doesn’t mean i’m not still scared of the future. i mean i have my teeth to worry about and also my wisdom teeth are coming in. so next few months...might be kinda rough.

Though, that’s not to say i didn’t soldier through it. this month i pushed myself, plowed through as many commissions as i could get to raise money for my new computer and made some of the best drawings that to me, feel like a great accomplishment. even if a couple of them weren’t as grandiose as some of my previous work. it was a big step forward for me as an artist. at least in my eyes.

And i have a feeling....that it can only get better from here.

#digital art #art meme #summary of art #2020 summary of art #rambles

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glitchkilldelphinixdj · 4 years

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Mild Discourse: Of All the Things (Thesis of Anger)

Foreward: This is usually to point out discrepancies of what some things were called out to me by a different individual whose name shall not be stated upon this. This was nearly a month ago when this shit ass "barring" happened to me on three places on a famous app which I will never mention also. I had cried in frustration upon after this shit issue.

I will only mention what the discrepancies are, since I have been noticing after screenshotting of the reasons I saw, were either a bit correct at some parts or incorrect. I'm not gonna show the screenshot either since it's best to not get any criticism. I will point out my own truth in reaction to the statements seen in the screenshot privately. Each one quoted sentence is of the said problematic thing about me, and the paragraph is how I am actually answering and reacting to the said problem as honest and fair as possible.

1 "My family is on the spectrum and doesn't act like you."

That's one thing that infuriated me the most because I am a high func autie with ADHD, but each individual with autism with and/or without comorbidities has a different personality and family background, depending on where they're from. I came from a family who had a military background, specifically the Greek Navy from my dad, plus my maternal grandfather worked as a naval CB in Korea during the Cold War for the United States, prior to his death in Janurary 2019. This sometimes explain my rough, coarse, militaristic personality (henceforth why Heavenly/Monster Triangle Sciences exist and Hellspire Sciences exist, two different military factions) a bit. Plus, being in a rural community in the Southeast United States, there's not much opportunity to socialize in real life, so I pretty much veer to the Internet for socialization since there's not many local individuals who I trust.

2 "You are self-serving and arrogant"

The only times I get into self-reliance is when stuff goes into dire situations. The arrogance is from all the bullies I had encountered in the past in school times when I was a kid. I had tried to play nice with others at least and try to thicken the plot of the HTS and HSS factions during my times here, henceforth a little of the militaristic behavior I have involving order. I also pretty much had faked some of my happiness or empathy because I am trying not to put in any facade of sadness within. I somehow come up obnoxious and rude at times because I'm trying to be nice, but it goes the opposite direction of what is intended.

3 "You need to see a therapist."

Not when the 'Rona is around. The only last time I ever saw a therapist was in Georgetown of last year in Spring once over to see what I have: Autism with ADHD and some instances of paranoia. Only people who have very serious problems would usually seek therapeutic help and interventions to improve themselves and I am not one of those individuals. I've only been to speech and occupational therapy in school as a kid until I was 12, so don't assume things out of the blue that I haven't even been to a therapist. I've taken Adderall to relieve of my ADHD issues before in school, but it made my mentality so fucked up and losing my creativity, so post-school, I had to find ways to regain my creativity where I lost it in school. That's why I made a lot more OCs than what others usually made because my creativity levels amped up after I graduated from high school, away from the bad chaos, some of them were remakes of my old OCs I did in middle school (Jamine being one of my bare examples), but the Adderall overtook me of my creativity.

4 "Why would a couple of characters do self-harm on a budding f/f relationship?" (trigger warning)

Do you mean that budding m/m relationship of two different male characters, the self destructive behavior clinged by it involving with the use my two female OCs, Munphine and Jamine (pronounced Juh-mine, Jamie for short)? Listen here, I already had pretty much stopped that shit a few weeks prior to the barring and several weeks after the barring cos it was getting a bit too boring and a bit out of context, so that shit is quitted out. Both these characters had bits of dark backgrounds, pretty much involving both of their families (Jamie, involved with the death of her father and also her mother Ryuke being buried alive in a metal coffin, Munphine, whose parents whose faces were beautiful had shamed her for having an ugly facial appearance and kicked her from her town, so to cover her mouth from others to see, she uses bandages to cope that.), in general. Or do you mean the one involving my stable B8 Ghost Variant Yellow Missingno OC, Vesparada, and some other female character a few months ago? If it's already stopped weeks and/or months ago, it's already stopped. Period.

5 "You bragged about treatment of a physical problem I had."

What I was meant to say was that a medicine is suppose to help the problem, not actually treat it altogether, though with some side effects. It was an unintentionally misspoken statement, because my mind was in dire thought mode and accidentally typed too fast. I shouldn't have stated about a said medicine in the first place. I wished I thought and knew better about that. I'll leave that behind.

6 "You had guilt tripped in someone's place multiple times."

Most of the guilt tripping was unintentional at most because it's either me trying to come up with at least a statement/sentence and/or if it was a dire situation involving a decision. Some auties, like me, do have some problems making decisions, and at times, I unintentionally chose the wrong decision without thinking twice, though I do mostly think twice before I speak at some non-dire times. Sometimes I usually am impatient to my peers because I'm just excited over certain fun things coming up within my sight. I mostly never intentionally guilt tripped, lest if it's anyone I hate to be fair. I do have occasional preconditions that sometimes come in also.

7 "You had shrugged shoulders on a relationship with two different individuals."

This is me after being told at to stop and the mild shrugging of my shoulders is usually saying a way of, "Okay, I will stop digging into the nitty gritty of a certain relationship and let them do their thing." , as per se. By the words of ebony and ivory, that means I drop my guard of thought and accept it. It's been hard and rough for me to have at least a bit of attention during an RP story. I know that was nearly a couple months ago and it's best not to bring that up, since that is just an old thing. I'm a person whom does go by the cross a bit, being Greek Orthodox and all, but I'm trying my best not to scare anyone from advancing their creativity.

8 "You have been playing around with a victim."

Could you at least please elaborate this said victim and who it was? I didn't know I ever even played around with a victim nor I would recall it. It would be better for me to acknowledge who it is. I cannot fully understand certain things sometimes, lest if it's fully elaborated and stated to me. Who was this victim and how long? That's one thing that I am asking of.

Conclusion: Here on out, after the barring, I have been playing about in my garden, taking care of my own pets and whatnot to live my fullest life. It's been a bit of zen away of what happened. At least I am honestly covering what had been said and stated to me why have I been nixed from these places to others, and telling my actual side to what they had said with my utmost, undivided attention. I pretty much rest my case what I am telling my side of the actual allegations against me. There is no cover-ups or lies whatsoever of what had I said. I am literally straight-up speaking this in my own words. This ends the conclusion.

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themesozoicsperm · 5 years

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Another 5 underrated Halloweeny cartoons

Last year I make post like this about 5 very obscure spooky cartoons that needed more love. This time Im gonna talk about some cartoons that are quite known but could also be more popular. As I said last year, if like me, you wanna watch every cartoon in existence, here are some 5 underrated cartoon series to watch in halloween.

1) The Real Ghostbusters

This one was actually one of the most popular things back in the day, and to this day you may find some remains of its once huge fandom lurking on the Internet, but the idea of this post is to make new people interested in it, specially young ones.

As you may know, most 80s cartoons were practically long commercials for selling toys and this was no exception, HOWEVER, the execution here was so great you easily forget it. Sure it was quite cheesy at times and the script got worst past the first couple seasons (this because some of the best writers quit after some pretty terrible and misogynist decisions the producers made), but trust me, the main reason to watch this is because it was WACKY as hell. Some scenes really catch you off guard, you don’t expect a lot of things to happen, either because the writers were master minds... or they just didn’t care and wrote the first thing that came to their minds.

And then, there is also the ghost designs. Just look at those things in the image above! What the hell are those supposed to be? the ghost of aliens? They dont look like death people at all! There are so many good ideas in this show that are incredibly inspiring, specially if you like to design creatures like me. And the animation for its time was pretty cool too!

I would also recomend the sequel show, Extreme Ghostbusters, which was a pretty good follow-up and also counts with wacky creatures designed by the amazing Fil Barlow!

2) Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Another one that was pretty popular back in the day, basically Nickelodeon’s gold mine along Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy. This one also had a lot of incredible monster designs so full of personality and an incredible voice cast that goes from Charlie Adler to Tim Curry himself. At least for me this show seriously did better work recreating “monsters as a kid would imagine” than Monsters Inc or Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.

The Gromble specially steals the show with its Dr. Frank-N-Furter-like personality, every single of his lines could be your seniour quote. Really so much thought in these creatures, making multiple gags about their appearances or abilities, rather than just being randomly designed monsters.

Is kinda sad that modern shows wouldn’t try an artstyle like this, specially because people nowadays would label it as “too ugly”.

3) Garakuta or Mr. Stain on Junk Alley

A pretty obscure one! Shall have probaly saved it for another list? Anyway, a lot of you may know Popee the Perfomer, a creepy cartoon by Ryuji Masuda that usually makes into “topz 10 mast disturbenz car2ns lol”, and it was indeed pretty unsettling. But before that one Mr Masuda make other interesting cgi projects that really deserve some recognition too.

One of those was Garakuta (also know as Mr Stain on Junk Alley), and used to air on Adult Swim (at least where I live >:( ). It consisted in short 10-minute episodes about a hobbo living an alley full of garbage as well as a lot of creepy crawlers. It may wasn’t really “halloweeny” or “spooky”, but at least half of the episodes revolved around scary stuff and creatures, but somehow always fnishing in a funny gag or almost ghilbi-like tear jerking ending. The uncanny 2000s cgi just adds to the creepy factor, aswell as being a silent show with no dialogue at all adds to the “classic fairy tale” feel.

I do actually consider this one an anime since is totally japanese ^^.

4) Making Fiends

Oh god! one of the saddest ones! And not because of the show itself but because of the story of its production. Basically, this one started as a series of internet shorts by Amy Winfrey on early 2000s, you know, the time for internet stuff like this (ie: Salad Fingers). Nickelodeon noticed it was kinda popular so decided to buy the rights to young and inexperienced Amy and make a full series. It sadly didn’t do well enough, and as is law on Nick: if its not a inmediate sucess... them cancel it and replace it for more crappy sitcoms or moar Spongebob. Poor Amy was left alone with no work and not being able to make more Making Fiends on Internet since the rights didn’t belonged to her anymore.

The premise is basically what the title or theme song tells you: a Mandy-like girl called Vendetta has a whole city scared under her control, she has the ability to make creatures that follow her orders and like to terrorize the citizens, but then another girl called Charlotte came, with a totally opposite personality to Vendetta she tries to be everybody’s friend, and of course, worlds collide! Unlike other shows of this kind, Charlotte doesn’t try to make Vendetta a “good” person, she is just being herself while Vendetta is also being herself, 2 different queens wanting to rule their world in 2 different ways.

At least the show kinda generated a little cult following with time!

5) Warau Salesman

I already talked about one anime here so lets talk about another! Literally meaning “The Laughing Salesman”, this show got a little more popular this year after some review on youtube came sometime ago. However, IT CAN BE MORE POPULAR RIGHT!???

As practically every other show on the list, this one is also episodic, which is kinda weird for an anime, isn’t it? It just doesn’t tell a continuous story, is more like... gotta quote that one review... The Twilight Zone, every episode we know about some random person who wants something in life, till sometime its complaints are heard by this humble gentleman called Moguro Fukuzou, who promises to solve all his/her problems free of charge!!! Just... do exactly what he says, really...

We really never know what’s the deal with this guy, the main attraction, the show itself, is he a demon? just a horrible person? what are his ambitions? is he actually evil or just like to do awful pranks?

This show actually actually got a decent remake recently! but didn’t do good since an anime that is not about school teenagers with superpowers is not profitable these days.

PS: this is one of those anime that I would actually consider “adult” since most of its episodes revolve the adult working life, alcoholism, money, taxes and how hard the life of the average japanese businessman is.

Let’s finish with a bonus of some specials mentions that also deserve a watch, may talk about some of these shows in the future!

Martin Mystery, The Drac Pac, Gravedale High, Mr Meaty (mostly gross and unsettling than spooky), Monster Farm, Toonsylvania, Hilda, Victor and Valentino, The Funky Phantom, Legend Quest, Creepy Crawlies (1987), Gegege no Kitaro and of course YOUR SUGGESTION HERE and the Moomins, yeah THE MOOMINS, because 1) is not really underrated, became pretty popular again this year after the new series premiered and 2) While most tumble talks about how the 90s show was pretty cute and how gay Snufka and Moo-man were and all that...

the show itself wasn’t always cute...

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kyouminaine · 4 years

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Frankly, this doesn’t even really belong on this blog, but it coincides with my decision to exclude any new plot from that reality into my portrayal. Yes, I’m talking about the Remake. Yes, I’m calling it a “reality.” Now before anyone starts hissing about me being a purist, I’m going to break down why I cannot and will not use material from the Remake (abbr. 7R) in my writing.

(Spoilers under the cut. Beware long post.)

And let me make this clear: 7R was a good game. It was not a good story.

What 7R did well was create a new system that combined SE’s past experiences from the KH series and previous FF games (I see a lot of influence from XIII). It provided a challenge --- whether good or bad is partly dependent on RNGesus favoring you or not --- and created an environment and interrelationship between characters that gave the gamer a chance to connect with the world and understand the repercussions of certain actions. It gave gamers a chance to develop feelings for certain characters that previously had no strong standing in the original. This was good. (I first played on Normal and got a decent challenge out of it during certain boss fights, particularly during endgame. Currently I’m running through Hard mode and utterly regretting my life choices, so the challenge is certainly there.)

As someone who played the original and delved into the rest of the Compilation over the years, it was enjoyable to see nods and easter eggs to those plotlines. A story I didn’t think would have any part in 7R somehow made its way in. People I thought would be skipped over were brought up. It was nice.

But here’s where it fell apart: all these nods and the expansion of the world (yes, we’re only experiencing Midgar, but I’ll still label it as a “world” since that is the extent that the gamers are exposed to) were haphazardly applied to the main plot, and not only that, when it came down to the endgame all those little nuggets ultimately didn’t mean anything.

Why? Because of the new plotline that was introduced. It’s been speculated and the general consensus is that 7R is a different reality. You can call it a sequel, AU, whatever. It’s a different plot altogether, particularly with how the ending unfolded. The Whispers / Watchers of Fate / Arbiters of Fate are what everyone has summed as being a physical manifestation of what fans expected to happen, or what the creators tried to preserve over the years through the many works that elaborated on the original VII storyline. Because the characters in 7R have destroyed the Whispers, this essentially has ripped apart the expectations that old (and new) fans had for the Remake series. We don’t know how many installments there are for 7R, but it’s pretty clear from the ending line that there’s going to be another part. (Hell, you still have to fight Sephiroth again... or something. Or maybe he becomes your ally. Who knows...)

Which makes a lot of mental gears grind, heads tilt, and plenty of frustrated fans raise their voices. The Deus Ex Machina concept is nothing new. A “do-over” plotline is not unique either. (Doubt me? Go look at all the fanfics that have been circling the internet since the day the original game came out.) Taking the original VII plotline and conjoining it with a “do-over” plotline is... well, it’s bad.

There are ways to make something like that work. Ways to rewrite history and attempt to make it right. There are people who speculate that 7R considers the original VII as the “bad ending” --- as if this is a dating sim and you picked the option where Lover C decides to murder you instead of marry you, so now you wipe your save file and change all of your choices so you get the happy ending with Lover C. The major plot events are the same, but now you’re alive and Lover C never goes apeshit on you.

I can understand the desire to get a “good ending.” This just isn’t the smartest way to go about it.

So with that in mind, we are now on that separate save file trying to make all the “right” choices. No one knows what will come of it, no one knows if it even is a “good” ending that awaits us. So what does that mean?

Quite plainly, it means everything we knew, every relationship that was built upon in the original, even all the work that was put into the other games and that particular reality, are all dumped in the trash. 7R is an AU scum save game file that tosses out the original values and lore that were taught to us and the characters too. In an ugly way of explaining it, 7R is spitting in the face of all the other pieces of the Compilation and what lessons came out of them.

These are lessons of the value of life, the value of relationships, the gravity of truth and the price of lies, struggling with flaws and shortcomings, change, love, and personal growth. These aren’t new or unfamiliar tropes, but their weight of worth still remains. (I won’t call VII to be the greatest game in existence, but it did create a strong connection with its audience through the story it told.)

What 7R does in face of these lessons is push them all aside for what is basically fanservice. Wish fulfillment. People who are dead in the original may/may not be alive in 7R. People who are alive in 7R are supposed to be dead in the original. 7R’s reality robs the audience of a chance to experience those values and struggles in a new yet familiar way. Fans who have no idea what happened in the original or only have a vague grasp of the plot will not have the same connection that old fans do. Yes, new fans can still understand that Aerith’s death was supposed to be a sad event. Yes, Sephiroth is a meteor summoning cockroach. (He has a bad habit of resurrecting.) However, they don’t have the firsthand experience. They did not personally go through the journey.

There are heavy hints of it in 7R, but the experience isn’t the same. And now considering that the Whispers are defeated, there probably isn’t even a reason to go through the original content anymore. Just open up a wikia and get the most basic summary, because what lays before us in the 7R series is uncharted territory.

The story of Cloud’s past and who Zack is will most likely still be introduced and explained, but how? Will it still hold the same meaning? Will fans be able to experience the same joy and pain, not knowing how big of an impact Zack had on the story particularly on Cloud’s, Aerith’s, and even Tifa’s lives? They made a whole game with him as the main protagonist; that was how big of an impact he made on those around him, and how much fans thought he deserved more screen time than what was given in the original VII.

Though the ending cutscenes of 7R implied that Zack may still be dead and his survival is probably in a completely different reality outside of both VII and 7R, the idea that it is possible for him to live takes away the meaning behind his death. It takes away how he made such an impact on those he met. Is it sad to always have him die? Certainly. But that’s the point. You, the gamer, and those in the game itself feel the weight of his presence and his loss. Him living diminishes it. Perhaps not completely, but it does stick a knife in the tapestry that wove together this important and surprisingly strong bond between even the most minor of characters.

The same can be said about Aerith’s death. I do enjoy that in 7R Cloud and Aerith got to interact and you could see more of how their personalities played off each other; I enjoyed Aerith’s portrayal in 7R. Yet, with the speculation of her possibly surviving and maybe being omnipotent (or dimension hopping, take your pick), we don’t see how strong of an impact she made on those around her. We don’t see how her death changed the cast, became a driving point of their mission. Particularly for Cloud, she became a pivotal part of his growth. Regardless if you consider their relationship to be friendship or love, it’s undeniable that she made a strong impression and her death hit Cloud like a sack of bricks to the face. The value of her life was so great in his heart, she became one of the major reasons he was so hell bent on fighting Sephiroth. She wasn’t the only reason, but she certainly was fighting to be at the top of the list. Even in the sequels that followed, she was always on their minds. She taught a priceless lesson that still sticks with gamers today. People still weep over her death.

So let me bring it up again: 7R spits at VII. Not just in the lessons it brought, but the lore as well. The introduction of Whispers, Aerith’s unexplained new powers, Sephiroth’s early appearance and his ability to cut through the veil of reality... It all brings about the question of Gaia and how she works as both a habitable place and sentient entity. Gaia had WEAPON --- colossal creatures that were meant to safeguard the planet. When Gaia perceives herself to be in danger, she brings out the giant no-no stick. (This is mainly in response to the threat of Jenova, but it is plausible that WEAPON will tear apart every major threat and hit the big reset button on everything. Otherwise, why did Ultimate attack Mideel? There’s no Jenova there, unless you count Cloud. But that’s a different topic for a different day.)

There is speculation that the Whispers that meld into the Harbinger of Fate / Whisper Harbinger is another WEAPON. This is a theory to take with a fat grain of salt, but the point is this: what did the Whispers uphold, and how does that alter the rest of the lore of the game? Do we consider the Whispers to be beings completely exempt from the rest of the lore? Are they some kind of god? Are they related or unrelated to WEAPON, and do they have their own agenda or do they also work to safeguard Gaia? No one knows, and there are a bunch of videos that try to tackle these questions.

I don’t have the answer. What I do have is a major side-eye at the whole concept of the Whispers existing and how they interact across the different realities, and how in turn they alter the overall lore of VII. Vague telling of the main plot points from the original are present, yet there is a giant question mark as to how much of said plot points will remain present in future game(s). Is there even a need for WEAPON anymore? Is Aerith not the last living Ancient/Cetra? Is Sephiroth blood kin to her? (Anyone remember that old concept?)

What about Holy? The lifestream? Hell, you can create summon materia now, not find godly creatures slumbering inside giant marbles scattered throughout the planet. Can Meteor be created too, or is it still hidden in the Temple of the Ancients and deemed too dangerous and the magic too great for anyone to handle? Do I even want to touch the subjects of Project G and Deepground??

That’s too many questions that don’t need to exist in the first place. What 7R created was a large stew of wtfery. I don’t just say this out of saltiness, it really is a giant “wtf” where almost every fan doesn’t even know where to start when they try to deeply analyze what happened in the game.

Personally, I believe the “do-over” plot that was introduced in 7R was a mistake. Not only did it mess with the lore of the world and open up a rotten can of worms that no one knows how to decipher, it took away from the value of certain actions from different characters, whether main cast or secondary. (I feel cheated. Tifa’s tears were practically wasted because Biggs is apparently alive, Jessie is probably just comatose somewhere, and Wedge probably survived too despite being tossed out a skyscraper.)

What I expected, and I believe what many frustrated fans expected, was not a “do-over” plotline/reality but a retelling of the same familiar story we have come to love over the last few decades. Whether some fans picked it up as soon as it was first published on 3 discs, or played it later down the line on PC, or even waited until it got ported to PS4, we came to enjoy that original plot. The original reality that has been told and retold, and adored even across different games with cameo appearances from the main cast. Flesh out the world, make it bigger, make it grander, show me Cloud in a fugly purple dress and Tifa in a miniskirt, show me Sephiroth’s Vidal Sassoon flowing silver locks, show me Jenova’s eye nipple... but keep the rest the same. By all means incorporate plotline from the other installments of the Compilation --- tell me more about the Turks, the original/main faction of AVALANCHE, Rufus and his relationship with his dad, other perverted projects Shinra had hiding under its mako skirt, the full story behind the failed rocket launch, the Wutai war, Nanaki’s youth, Zack’s early years in Shinra/SOLDIER, all that --- but don’t suddenly throw all that work, all those relationships and stories, all those valuable lessons out the window.

7R had plenty of potential and even if I take away the “purist” expectations I wanted from it, the game still managed to be disappointing.

Coming back to the topic of why I won’t use 7R in my portrayal, it is because of all this. Because it takes away too much from VII and warps it into something it shouldn’t be. My idea of Cloud sits strongly with the Compilation (namely the original game with some minor inspiration from the other materials). His hardships, his pain, his personal growth... I will hold onto those because they make Cloud who he is at the end of the game. They are why Cloud leaves such an impression on people. Yes, recent adjustments to his features have really ramped up how handsome he is (especially in 7R, though I’m salty about his hair being wrong) and that sticks with people. Everyone swoons over how he looks in that crisp HD. It’s his journey that is more worthy of noting though.

I expect that there will be people who are not/less bothered by these details. There are plenty of people who embrace 7R and what it introduces --- I’ve heard people say they’re tired of the same old formula and a “do-over” plot is fresh and exciting for them --- but I’ll stick to what I’ve come to learn to love throughout my life. Because there are plenty of people who favor 7R, the door is open for people to head that way. This isn’t me kicking anyone out. This is me firmly establishing where I stand and why.

TL;DR --- 7R is a high dollar AU fanfic and I don’t appreciate that. (But I’ll still snag icons and reblog gifsets of the cutscenes because I’m opportunistic that way.)

#{ 1 phoenix down } | ooc #salty rambling

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postguiltypleasures · 5 years

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JANE THE VIRGIN Finale Articles Links Round Up

Jane the Virgin, a show I never missed and affected my emotions on surprising ways wrapped up last week. It did well by plots that I feel like I’ve only ever seen done badly. The finale was pretty perfect in that it highlight what was special about the show and giving us the viewers a loving goodbye. I don’t know where the show will ultimately fit in with the direction in which television is moving, it kind of feels like an end of something and the beginning of something. Going through these fair wells might be a first step.

I’m actually starting with a couple of articles that really weren’t about the show’s finale. The first is technically a review of Emily Nussbaum’s I Like to Watch, as she has been a great champion of the show, as well as generally insisting that the what is considered “serious” vs “frivolous” be reconsidered. This response to Nussbaum’s book starts in particular about her essay “Jane the Virgin isn’t a Guilty Pleasure”. Nussbaum’s essay does a great job at praising what the show does well as connecting it to earlier television shows. (Interestingly she doesn’t associate Jane with camp the way she did with Ugly Betty, nor does she list that as one of Jane’s predecessors despite the fact that both are US primetime networks adapting Latin American telenovelas. I’ll get more into why I think that is interesting and probably for the best later.) The article about her book does more to talk about how it’s been frequently overlooked for shows that seem created for men. In a lot of her book tour Nussbaum has spoken about how the way Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Sopranos were discussed around the time that they debuted drove her into tv criticism. If I were to pick something to be The Sopranos to Jane’s Buffy I’d probably go with Breaking Bad, as it had a notoriously difficult time getting its fans to care about/not hate Walt’s home life. Walt’s home life was about the slow consequences of his drug dealing and gangster activity. There was always a fair amount of gangster activity on Jane, but from watching Breaking Bad could leave you with the impression that there’s no way to make caring for an infant as exciting as the chaos of organized crime. Jane proved that isn’t true.

Also before the finale, The Ringer published this article that is sort of half praise/ half interview with the creator. It gets into the ways it played with the crime drama story types but never really treated it like that’s what it was about. It also gets into the writer’s room, and I was happy to learn that some people there have worked on telenovela��s in the past. It also has some quote’s from Jaime Camil who plays Jane’s father Rogelio de la Vega, which I thought were an interesting contrast to an interview he gave earlier in the show’s run. The Ringer article misleadingly identifies Camil as having starred in the “Spanish language version of Ugly Betty.” There were three Spanish language versions of Ugly Betty, or rather there were three Spanish language versions of the Colombian telenovela Yo Soy Betty La Fea which was the source material for Ugly Betty. Camil starred it the Mexican one, La Fea Más Bella, which debuted around the same time as Ugly Betty. (Fun fact, between LFMB and the later Por Ella Soy Eva, Camil has twice starred in Mexican remakes of Colombian telenovela’s in roles originated by Jorge Enrique Abello) I was at one point obsessed with the whole constant remaking of YSBLF phenomena and Ugly Betty in particular. It was taking on one of the most popular IPs of all time and had to do it in a very different format than the original. (Producing one episode a week for an indefinite number of years is very different than five episodes a week for approximately a year. For starters, there’s going to be a much smaller ensemble.) I never watched the original Venezuelan telenovela Juana la Virgen. It wasn’t remade internationally with anything like the regularity as Betty, and ultimately that may have been in the American show’s favor. Part of me wants to say that Jane learned from some things Betty tried but didn’t necessarily execute so well. And another part of me thinks that not having the burden of massive international popularity allowed them to jettison some of the things that made it a harder to adapt for a different audience. In the original YSBLF, Betty’s family life and work life have this great tension where some of her more questionable decisions (specifically, choosing to help her boss commit fraud to the board of the company) are partially based in some disillusioning parts of her home life (namely, her father loosing his job due to the boss selling the company and never paying out his pension). Ugly Betty never played those two aspects of Betty’s life against her like that. In some ways it was much better to the character. (American Betty had professional ambition in a way that the original didn’t.) But in this not knowing how to connect her family and professional lives, it often felt like it was struggling to make the family life stories matter. Jane the Virgin never had this problem. Partially because it was much more interested in emotional reactions than plot twists, but also, because it didn’t need to follow an original’s example of making the work place drama the engine of the show. Between the different relationships they had with their source materials and how they mined the work/life balances of their character’s they were different shows, from different times. Too much comparison is just counterproductive.

Kathryn VanArendonk wrote beautifully about how the fantastical elements of the story made the more mundane plots like finding a good school for Mateo, and balancing child care and a burgeoning writing career, really work. VanArendonk doesn’t focus on how badly many other shows do on making the housekeeping side of life interesting. The fact that as a tv watcher you’ve been through so many examples of shows that feel like the drag or are just aimless when it comes to the personal life side of the work life divide does contribute towards the sort of miraculous feeling Jane sometimes created, but it’s probably for the best not to focus on the negative examples.

I also want to highlight this great personal essay about how the show dealt with both being an adult and having anxiety around sex, mostly because of cultural baggage. The show didn’t so much reject the things that we associate with the baggage (ie no one abandoned the Church. (Also not discussed was the fact that all three of the Villanueva women had anxiety about sex at some point in their stories, but as Xiomara’s was more about the aftermath of cancer and chemotherapy than culture created anxiety, so it doesn’t fit with Mariya Karimjee’s larger theme. Just bringing it up to say, I liked how Xiomara’s post-cancer story worked out.)

A final one from Vulture about the reveal that the narrator is the adult version of Jane’s son Mateo. I’m highlighting it because the Mateo has ADHD plot was one of the most moving stories the show did during the final season. ADHD is so misunderstood and there were so many ways that this could have gotten a too pat, wrong message of an ending. I’m glad voice over actor Anthony Mendez talks about how even as an adult it’s something with which he struggles.

I cheered for Petra for most of the series. However, due to things in my real life, I currently have a pretty low tolerance for stories about bad bosses. Petra’s worst quality was she was a terrible boss, mercurial and abusive. Inkoo Kang’s tribute to the character is good, and gets at why I’ve been interested in her, and her relationship with Jane, for so long. Despite finding Petra less likable in the final seasons than in earlier ones when she was more villainous, one of my favorite moments of hers did come this season. At one point she says that her “worst nightmare” is turning into her mother. It could have been just a throwaway one, but then the narrator tells us it’s true and shows us what it looks like, and it manages to be hilarious, heartbreaking a you get why this would be Petra’s worst nightmare.

(The Toast once dedicated a “Femslash Friday” to the Jane and Petra dynamic. Here’s the link if interested.)

After the finale aired Slate also published an article about how the Michael is not dead plot didn’t work and was a disservice to the way love works. I mostly agree. I never really cared with whom Jane ended up. The show was always more about figuring out haw to build and maintain relationships than proving who was more right for each other. And I did kind of like the “each in their own time” resolution to the love triangle. (I felt similarly to the one in Lost Girl.) I get why the show did it. I do agree it was why the final season dragged in some parts. I do think Michael coming back from the dead reinvigorated the Sin Rostro story just in time to climax on the penultimate episode. Whether or not that was worth it is up to you.

I do want to take this moment to point out that while watching Jane walk down the aisle in the final episode, I realized that there never really wasn’t a moment in the entire where I felt doubt that Jane was loved, or felt unlovable. The closest it ever got to that’s in its depictions of how growing up without a father affected her. But, as connecting with her biological father Rogelio and developing a very deep bond was such an important part of the show, that anxiety was never really felt for Jane. (Petra, on the other hand…) This makes her kind of an outlier of most of the series I watch, whether the was the point of the series (You’re the Worst, Crazy Ex Girlfriend) or kind of a side affect of the surreal and chaotic universe in which it’s set (Broad City, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt). I’m not sure what to make of this. Is it part of why it would be more likely to be misidentified as a guilty pleasure? Is it a sign about changes in what makes a heroine “relatable”?

I’ve repeatedly said here that I’m thinking about tapering the amount of tv I watch until it’s none. In Margaret Lyons’s review, she talks about how Jane was in some ways the show that replaced Mad Men in her heart, which reminded me that when Jane started I wasn’t sure I wanted to start any new tv shows. Also both show’s care about episode structure in a way that feels undervalued these days. I do kind of have to agree with Lyons that some of the final season felt like treading water. (Something that seemed to affect the more character than plot driven shows I’ve watched that have ended this year. This runs counter to most of my theory of what’s going on with tv these days.)

“Have you ever loved something so deeply it was almost impossible to talk about?” Jade Budowski wrote over at The Decider. And yes, for a while now, the things I like the most are the things I have the hardest time trying o talk about. It’s satisfying enough that you kind of want to just point and say “go, experience it for yourself.” Even though that runs the risk of letting it be taken as froth.

Over at Vox, Constance Grady wrote about how the finale worked, despite the fact that most of the conflict was resolved on the previous episode. It’s a loving tribute to how the show knew how to work and give us the happiest of endings without being too saccharine.

Finally, I want to day thanks for making Jane and Rafael’s wedding song Ximena Sariñana’s “Todo En Mi Vida”. Sure, I’ve been following Sariñana since her debut, Mediocre, so this is likely to appeal to me personally, but it’s also a beautiful song about learning to love the unexpected and build a new life around it.

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uhhhhhhokay · 6 years

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My Unpopular Opinions of 2018

This is messy, a bit mean, and full of my mad/irritated feelings. You’ve been warned. No slipping into my asks as an anon to fight with me because I’ve posted this on my account. These are my opinions and I’ve already said that they aren’t that nice to some shows

1) Charmed and Black Lightning are the only good CW shows and it has the best lesbian rep of 2018 (and Rosa from b99 would be the best bisexual rep)

2) Melanie Scrofano/Wynonna Earp is the best part of Wynonna Earp. Honestly lately the rest of the characters for me have either awful or boring or funny but given nothing to do

3) Also even though she’s the main actress, Melanie is somehow the most underrated actress/character in the show. She’s disregarded by so many fans, either in favor of Wayhaught or Doc, and the show treats her like shit by constantly putting her with Doc

4) Descendants fans who pit Dove Cameron and China Anne McClain against each other in the hopes of making the other seem superior are doing absolutely nothing for their careers and are contributing to the unnecessary comparison between successful women

5) Also I don’t care if you don’t like Dove Cameron, but hating her for that Mal/Harry comment she made months ago is so fucking ridiculous. She’s a girl in love who also loves her character, god forbid she make her own headcanons for it, and it wasn’t like she was asking for it to happen (and no she wasn’t disregarding Mal’s current relationship Ben because she was talking about Mal and Harry being exes god damnit)

6) I can’t believe i have to say this in 2018 BUT STOP WITH THE INCEST STORYLINES! IT AIN’T CREATIVE OR SURPRISING BITCHES JUST GROSS

7) ALSO STOP SHIPPING INCEST GOD PLEASE STOP

8) Timothee Chamalet or whatever his name is, isn’t that great. Like he’s fine I guess but like....Have you seen other actors? I mean, there’s Fady Elsayed, Jack Black, Jordan Renzo, Greg Austin (rip Class), and so many more actors that are, in my opinon, significantly more talented

9) Letterkenny and Galavant are the best comedies out there

10) Riverdale is shit for erasing Jughead’s asexuality and queerbaiting fans at the beginning with Beronica

11) I’ve said this before, but people disliking Cole Sprouse because of the abuse allegation against him is incredibly valid.

12) Mike Flanagan, Jordan Peele, and Kate Siegel are the only people I trust to write some bone chilling horror stories

13) The Haunting of Hill House is better than American Horror Story and The Chilling Adventures of Sabrine combined

Now it’s time to get serious.....

14) I have no respect and cannot get along with people who talk about how ugly people are

15) The hellsite is shit for so many reasons but some of its worst qualities are when people take a situation and make it black and white, have zero sympathy or empathy for other people, and twist peoples words and put in meanings that were never there

16) I also hate how how people only care about mental illness when it doesn’t come to their jokes or memes. For example, mental health has been talked about a lot in regards to Ariana Grande, which is good, but once her engagement with Pete Davidson ended, no one hesitated to attack him in almost every way possible even though the man has been very outspoken about his depression. I don’t know shit about Pete Davidson but I’ve seen him relentlessly be attacked and have his depression and suicidal thoughts be joked about.

17) Stanning is a fucked up culture that we need to leave behind in 2018. There are some celebrities who have a lot of projects that I love and I admire their talent, but the concept of stanning either includes an unhealthy amount of devotion to a celebrity or it erases them as a human being and reduces them down to objects. In some cases, both of these are true. It’s a sick thing for both fans and the celebrities. If a celebrity does something wrong, call them out, and if they don’t listen, well forget it or move on. Cancelling them as if they can be thrown in the garbage and disposed of promotes negativity and hatred, which is doesn’t solve anything, and it can inhibit any growth from that celebrity. They are human and will inevitably fuck up. It’s the only way to learn and grow.

18) This is about Wynonna Earp but it’s a serious post. I’ve made my thoughts about this show abundantly clear but there is one thing I haven’t talked about at all and that’s the racism in the show and in the fanbase. Disclaimer: I am white. This show hasn’t treated any of their poc or black characters well. The latest example would be the treatment of Dolls and Kate. The last two seasons Doc has had two women of color as his love interests, and both of these characters have been treated as objects to make Wynonna jealous. There is also the lack of story and villainization of these women. There is also the major lack of story with Dolls, which most likely led to Shamier Anderson’s decision to leave. I won’t get into anymore, this is how I’ve always viewed these poor storylines, but I will say this: white fans of Wynonna Earp, we do not get a say on how black viewers should feel about any of these storylines. White lesbians, you would be livid is Waverly or Nicole were killed, and rightfully so. Black people or people of color probably felt the rage you would’ve felt if you lost one of those characters when Dolls was killed off. Telling people to get over it is cruel. If people want to stop watching, that is their right. We have no place in telling them how they should feel about the treatment of their representation.

19) I made this post a while ago but it holds true: https://uhhhhhhokay.tumblr.com/post/179314393735/shows-with-good-lgbt-rep

20) Everyone needs a break from social media. I know that for some people, it really helps because we have friends on here that we can talk to, but it also has so many negative effects. The real world is nothing like this toxic website. You should take breaks from it every once in a while. You need to get hobbies. You need some other past time than this website. The majority of people on this site aren’t good and everyone should take a breather from it. I take breaks from this site on a regular basis and when I do it feels so fucking good.

21) Random but The Lodgers is the worst movie ever and it’s an even worse horror movie. Would not recommend. Unless you feel like roasting something for an hour and a half. The only good part about watching that movie was that I watched it with my roommate who I am good friends with and we laughed our asses off and made fun of it so much. It is truly awful. Even though I had a blast roasting it, I will never get that time of my life back.

22) The Last Jedi does not deserve that 91% on rotten tomatoes. Just like how The Lodgers deserves far less than 56%.

23) Time to get serious again. I get that a lot of us wished that the shows we loved were real, but they aren’t. That’s a fact that everyone needs to realize and accept. To me, hating an actor for their character’s actions is just as fucked up as stanning. They aren’t their character. They are not responsible for the shit their characters pull. They are carrying out the story written for them. As for writers, sometimes the writers do not support their characters actions either. Just because the character is evil or mean or whatever does not always mean that the people who work behind the curtain support that.

24) Shipping real people and harassing them is sooo inappropriate and messed up. I shouldn’t really have to explain this one but too many people on this site don’t seem to grasp it. I mean, didn’t Harry Styles say a while ago that all the smutty fanfics, tweets, and fanarts about him and his bandmates effect his friendships with him? Him reacting that way is not homophobic, btw. It is him reacting naturally to people fetishizing and sexualizing him and his friends. These are real people. Their relationship, sexuality, and god just so much of their lives is none of our business. They don’t owe us any information about their personal lives. We don’t own them. They are their own people, which also means that they make their own mistakes.

25) Random again, but original Charmed fans put their show too high of a pedestal. I never got really into show. I tried it, think I watched half of the first season, and I did a little research on it and I was in the fanbase for a hot sec but it was very short. From my research, it seems to me, that for a feminist show, the cast (except Shannon Doherty) was the opposite behind the scenes. I know you can’t help who you don’t like but you can control how you talk about someone, especially to the public, and from what I’ve seen there’s been more negative comments from them about their castmates than positive. I don’t think anyone will know the whole story but to me the feud between the og’s leading ladies has always very catty to me, and it’s gotten even worse with the remake. You can be protective of your show without being rude. You don’t have to support the remake, and you can do that without being rude either. By the way, this is more directed towards Holly Marie Combs, who I believe has been the most outspoken about being against it. Three young actresses are doing the job they love and they were given a chance to be the new charmed ones for a new generation. There is no reason to be so negative about it. It looks even more immature when you see the cast of the original Sabrina who gleefully gave their support to the new cast.

26) Adults please stop thinking every show is for you. it’s not. Some shows are for kids, some shows are for teenagers, and some shows are for you. If you enjoy the show that’s directed towards a younger audience then that’s great. If you don’t enjoy it, then that’s fine too. What is not fine is you acting like that show was meant for you and tearing it apart and bullying people of that directed age group online. I can’t believe the amount of times I’ve seen some 19-40 year old dipshit on the internet go and bully a 15 year old only because they said they loved a show. That is not only sick and immature but it’s uncalled for.

27) Also 15 year olds or younger, do not use your age as an excuse to be mean either. You might be young and you will definitely make huge mistakes, but there’s is nothing to justify you telling someone to kill themselves or insulting them just because they don’t like your favorite character or something. You might not be as experienced as some adults, but you’re old enough to know what the fuck you’re doing and how wrong it is. Don’t be cruel and blame it on you being young and stupid. You maybe young and all of us will always be a bit stupid, but that does not excuse your behavior. And @ older people who do that shit too, your older age and power does not excuse your cruelty either. Nothing excuses telling someone to kill themselves. Ever. Especially if it’s over a goddamn tv show.

28) Can Ryan Murphy please just make one tv show and stick with it until it ends? He has so many great concepts but because he wants to do all of them at once they all go downhill after one season.

29) On the same but different note, fuck Ryan Murphy for having Violet and Tate get back together. My girl deserves better than a serial killer/rapist that also got her mom killed because he impregnated her with the anti christ. Fuck that.

I never intended this to be so long lol no one will read this

30) The Hormone Monster is literally a metaphor for hormones. Stop twisting it into pedophilia. That show is so sex positive and is so much better than most of the sex ed that we got.

31) Let’s leave monster fucking behind please

32) Puzzles are a treat to do

33) Funko pops are cute but they make a lot of dumbass decisions regarding which ones to make (like I saw pops of that new nutcracker movie a while before it was released like maybe wait and see how it does first????)

34) Also lets stop thinking of ships/shows as a way to up yourself as more progressive or whatever. We all have our trash shows and ships, stop acting like a saint. Just because someone has a trash ship, does not mean they are lesser than you.

35) Fanbases are usually always trash. This didn’t change at all in 2018.

36) Class’s first season was significantly better than Torchwoods first season. You guys are just mean.

37) While I adore Class, Patrick Ness’s dialogue was really YIKES sometimes (the Charlie April deleted scene nearly killed me). Overall it was good though because it was the closest depiction of how teens speak.

38) Also any teen drama show that has a teen speak seriously in a hashtag should burn in hell (if a hashtag is used in dialogue as joke then it’s fine because it’s funny)

39) An actor being on a show you don’t like does not warrant hate

40) It’s been two years since Class but still, fuck the dw fans who were/are so mean to the class actors, especially Vivian Oparah and Sophie Hopkins.

I think that’s it.

#40 points long #bbc class

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teamsharoncarter-archive · 7 years

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Hey dude, I'm sorry if my tag give you negative impressions and it triggers problems god knows you don't want to experience. It would be hard to accept different opinions on tumblr because we're communicating in a third medium, misunderstandings are bound to happen. If people in the fandom are actually making your life hell and actually personally attack you, I'm offering ears to your story. I know how shitty people can give anxiety and maybe sharing it can ease your burden. That if you want to

I have calmed down now (who knew chores could clear your mind right?). Also, I want this ask and answer to be public so people know what happened and don’t send either of us hate or whatever. (That’s happened before so it’s for mine and your protection). But if you feel uncomfortable with that, I will gladly delete this post and send it via submission.

Hey I want to say thank you, for apologizing. I would also like to apologize. I was already in a beginnings of a manic episode that I felt in me, and when that volcano just erupted, I “spewed the lava” onto you and you didn’t deserve that so I’m sorry about that. I’m trying to do better with it. And I probably should have been more clear, I will work on that too.

Yeah the five years of being on here were hell. (In fact I have a post labeled “Five Fucking Years [link]” that is the summary of the hell - but no where near explains exactly what I’ve had to deal with.) My blog archive on this one only shows 3 years, but I had two different blogs—and a failed remake for this blog—until I remade into “teamsharoncarter” (tsc is like, my tenth url on this blog omg).

I kinda ranted about the Five Hell Years of Fandom below, it’s kinda long, so it’s under a read more.

So my Fandom Life started way back in 2012 on fanfictiondotnet, and 2013 on tumblr.

First thing negative I ever had happen to me, is that a person reported and had my fanfic deleted because I “falsely advertised on the fanfic summary” as stated on the last review before my fanfic was just Gone. FFN didn’t even warn me or back it up at all. And because people badgered me for an update because I wasn’t Spitting Out A New Chapter Every Hour, the demands made a deadline for something that wasn’t supposed to have a deadline made me worry that people would hate me if I didn’t Immediately Post Now, so I posted One Paragraph chapters that were rushed and gross, because I thought they just wanted quantity, not quality. So then I started getting Hate Reviews because it was rushed and not “proper length for a chapter.” (Thank God for James Patterson for his One Page Chapters that taught me, who cares if it’s one page? You wrote down what you wanted in the story without somehow jamming it into another chapter.)

Imaginary deadline made me anxious like a school deadline, which made me feel bad for not posting anything for months which lead to more anxiety which lead to feeling like crap everyday for not posting which eventually lead to spiraling depression.

So I left fanfictiondotnet behind me. And did a dumbass decision to join tumblr. I’ve seen other authors on FFN talk about visiting their blogs and chat with them and stuff, so I thought it would be a fun place to hang with fellow fans.

I was right for a little bit.

Then I reblogged a post that upset one of my few followers. Next thing I knew, I was getting sent messages about how I’m a menace to society for liking this one couple or something (like if I remember correctly, it was a think it was thalico - about 7 months before Nico was confirmed gay). And so because I said “fuck off” because like, 13 years old, why do you wanna worry about that stuff when all you want is fun right? So whenever I got a message from them, I’d delete it. I’d block them over and over again, because either they were using friend’s accounts or a different computer, I’ll never know. After they were Proven Right that their headcanon was canon, they were like “see! i told you!” as if it was okay for them to constantly harass me because their headcanon that a character was gay was confirmed.

What made me finally leave that blog was that I kinda got into a fight, like we did, but they twisted the words I was trying to say, which I got irrationally angry at, and they vagued me, and also not so vagued me, (which is why I don’t take kindly to that anymore) to their followers, which lead to hundreds of anons in my inbox about how I should die and should kill myself. I tried to tell the person, but they had me blocked after they vagued me, and so I had my friend tell them, but all they got was a laugh in the face about how I was childish for trying to stop what I deserved.

So I deleted that blog, remade another one, where I would just reblog, not comment, not have ask open, not post personal opinions, nothing. Just a simple reblog blog. That didn’t work either because I started to feel lonely, and the only follower I had was my sister.

So I tried FFN again, new account, new fanfic ideas, new ships, new identity, and put a link to my blog on my bio and decided to open up my ask for any convos my readers wanted for the fanfic—specifically things like theories for the next chapter. I even made sure to have three chapters ready, so I would post one chapter per week, which gave me time to write the next one, to give a nice flow. Which was a big mistake. I started to get the same “UPDATE!” messages, so I would post the next chapter anyway because I have a compulsion to please people, which restarted the spiraling because I no longer had the cushion to have more time to write. I though the update demands would shut up if I gave them three in the same day. But then, I also got hate reviews for my fanfics in my ask. About how everyone was Out Of Character or Not Together With Their OTP. And so I deleted the accounts and just started over again.

With this blog.

I started not talking to anyone but the few friends I made on my previous blog. I reblogged a lot of gen stuff, then as a month went by with nothing, no sign of hate, I decided to reblog shippy stuff, I changed my icon to my OTP.

Which upset practically everyone.

I was sent not only that I should die or kill myself, but death threats and rape threats and just weird ass shit. I get sent messages that my otp/fave character was abusive (steve/tony, fave character is tony) and that I was an abuse apologist and that I should be filled with concrete to they could “smash me into a million piece or sculp me into a human being with more decency”. So since then I just would, block anyone who I saw was even a little negative toward the things I loved, because I thought, if I put up the barricade now, they can’t get me later. But then I started showing love to other ships and characters and it would just start all over again. And then people I already had blocked would somehow find my posts, screenshot them, post it making fun of it without removing my url, then send hoards of people after me. And when asked to stop, they laughed at me more.

I changed my url, and saved the old url with a redirect to a “not found” page so they thing I deleted and I was save for awhile.

I posted a picture of me as sharon for halloween - I didn’t have a white catsuit, but I did have a vest like Sharon did in CW so I wore that (2 people recognized who I was trying to be) - and then I got this ask: “You are ugly. So is Sharon. [link]” and yeah my answer was basically “wow anon lol pathetic hate”, it still got to me?

I don’t know what has made me stick it out with this one for so long. Maybe because I have a lot of followers now, maybe because of the friends I made, maybe it’s my “fuck this fuck you i’m staying” spite. I don’t know. I just know that I’m tired.

I’m tired of defending myself and the fiction characters I love. I’m tired of constantly being told by my own invasive thoughts and by real people, that my life doesn’t equal that of a fiction characters. That fiction characters are somehow worth more than me, a living breathing human.

#rant #long post #i'm tired #thank you for your apology and i apologize too #cheesequeenmiu

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ravy-nevermore-archive · 8 years

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bulletprccf replied to your post: Hi, what made you so certain that Lucrecia...

bless you. also I wondered, what are your thoughts for how she became pregnant? I’m all for artificial insemination b/c uh…Hooj is…gross…but Squeenix is kinda strange anyway. |:

Well, funny you should mention that, because the supposed grossness of Hojo is definitely the primary reason why I say Square can’t be trusted to use accurate character models. Because those scenes took place 20–30 years before OG, and even in OG he had shorter hair in the flashback, indicating that he looked different back then.

I’m guessing that the reason why they didn’t give Hojo a younger model for the DoC flashbacks and an older model for the end/opening flashback was to avoid confusing people who hadn’t played FF7 (and specifically that one hidden flashback scene) about older Hojo and younger Hojo being the same person. Not that I don’t think that’s a stupid reason, but it seems in line with their alleged reasoning about developing a storyline for Cloud in AC that made him angsty so that casual players would recognize him as the same character, and what I assume is their reasoning for giving Grimoire the exact same clothes as older Vincent so that we’ll recognize them as being related even though that makes absolutely zero logical sense whatsoever. They seem to base a lot (read: most) of their reasoning for doing things on aesthetics and visual readability rather than what actually makes sense. (See also: every buckle and zipper Nomura has ever drawn, everyone’s hair, etc.)

So with that reasoning (which by the way is shitty reasoning because who’s going to play DoC with little to no experience of OG first and not be confused already??), if they had used a younger model for Hojo in the flashback scenes, which is literally ALL of the scenes he appears in until he’s revealed as the villain, less savvy players might have been all like “who dat” when it’s revealed at the end that gasp Weiss is internet!Hojo.

They could have solved this, of course, by having Vincent see internet!Hojo as his younger incarnation, which would have arguably made more sense considering that’s how Vincent mostly knew him, assuming that the apparition of Hojo on screen is Vincent’s interpretation of what he’s seeing and not necessarily what “is” in “reality.” (You know, fictional reality. >.> ) But then that wouldn’t necessarily tie this character to the opening sequence of a man with a black ponytail and white labcoat slumped over a computer terminal (for the really dumb gamers), nor would newcomers to the compilation necessarily connect this shorthaired man to the Hojo in Crisis Core the following year.

So... I’m guessing they made the decision based on what worked best for their bottom line financially and wouldn’t risk alienating new fans/customers, and not necessarily based on what was the “right” thing to do. :/ (Which I hope is not predictive of what we can expect from the remake, since they’ll have the opportunity to invite new players in from the beginning...)

This is all to say that I don’t think Hojo was old and ugly when Lucrecia was married to him just because DoC portrayed him as such. It’s pretty impossible for him to have not aged at all in those years, which is what DoC portrays, sooo choose your retcon: Did Hojo actually age, or is Hojo actually a vampire? I prefer to choose that he aged.

Which also brings us to something else: They were married. Canonically. It’s not in the game but it’s referenced in the ultimania materials in several places. (Maybe this is another thing that was “lost in translation,” either literally or via cultural cues, and the Japanese audience was never as confused about as the Western/English-speaking one was?) It stands to reason that, as a married couple, they were having sex.

I still think a case could be made for Sephiroth having been conceived via IVF because it was easier to manipulate the embryo that way or something (a headcanon I don’t favor btw), but it doesn’t make sense as a means of avoiding the idea that Lucrecia ever had sex with Hojo.

You could certainly headcanon that the conception was IVF. You could headcanon they never had sex—hell, you could headcanon them both asexual. You could headcanon them never married if you want, and you could headcanon them all to be part chocobo.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My favorite way to imagine she became pregnant...? Ambiguously, by falling into bed with Vincent, then having that incident with him, and then impulsively agreeing to the Jenova Project right away and then having the luck of conceiving in the first month, so that she was never quite sure which one was the father. xD But that’s simply my preferred headcanon.

#bulletprccf #hojo #vincent valentine #Lucrecia Crescent #ravy talks dirge #ff7 meta

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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Perry Mason Ending Explained

https://ift.tt/2DHUO1J

This Perry Mason season 1 finale piece contains spoilers by legal definition.

Perry Mason made its closing arguments for season 1. While the jury was deadlocked on whether Emily Dodson (Gayle Rankin) murdered her own baby, Charlie, or not, the verdict was a triumph for the defense attorney and the series named after him. A hung jury may not be a clear win, but it is a victory. It means Perry Mason’s (Matthew Rhys) first case was not a full on winner. Mason made mistakes. He is learning, probably to make more mistakes, but his education will turn him into legal legend. If the series closed its opening with a decisive win, it would have been a cheat.

Not that Mason is above cheating. That is evident in how he sets Peter Strickland (Shea Whigham) off on a job to bribe a juror. He didn’t have to do it. Two other jurors were swayed by Mason’s presentation in court. He started off coughing and mumbling, but he wrapped it up with an emotional call to arms for the jury. He asked for bravery, which in this case meant being strong enough to look past the obvious sins and stolen temptations the god-fearing suspect brought to trial and still put truth before justice. Mason proved to at least two, and paid for one, to accept that one had nothing to do with the other and cast their vote with the damaged woman on the stand. It is not a win. It is reasonable doubt. While it is more than imaginary doubt, there is no moral certainty of the existence of guilt.

Emily is a free woman now, in spite of the promises District Attorney Maynard Barnes (Stephen Root) made to retry her case. Besides the historical fact that most cases don’t do well the second time they come before a court, we know this because Barnes verbally, and almost physically, attacked a reporter who insinuated he’d lost the case. Barnes is the master of insinuation and for him to be outdone by a stringer on a concrete step is a death sentence for his character, something he couldn’t sell to a jury about the accused. His outburst also signifies this is the end of his run for Mayor and his tenure in the District Attorney’s office.

Barnes’ place will be taken by Hamilton Burger (Justin Kirk) in the upcoming season, and Burger is going to be Mason’s legal nemesis. He’s got Strickland doing his detective work for him and this means next season is going to be fun. Strickland ate Mason’s shit for six episodes and was still picking his teeth when he bribed the juror, so having him back up the guy who will go toe-to-toe with Mason will bring in a new game. Competition works wonders in shows like this. The very last we see of Strickland, Burger is grilling him on the stand about all the dirt he found against the Assembly of God Church. We don’t know the verdict, but we can guess some of the elders will be growing very old in jail.

Emily is sentenced to live and take care of another new life and new testament in the Book of Sister Alice (Tatiana Maslany). When Emily accepts the baby she knows is not hers as her own, it means she is a lifelong victim of circumstance. When she cradles the baby in public at the Church of the Newborn, it means Birdy McKeegan (Lili Taylor) is a ruthless evangelical voice. It begs at least one question. Where did the baby come from? Was some infant stolen, bought or otherwise purloined from some unfortunate mother? Charlie Dodson had been kidnapped, was his replacement found in some overnight delivery bin at some local orphanage or left in a basket in the bulrushes like Moses? Birdy McKeegan certainly makes a grand exodus on her journey into religious fraudulence.

Sister Alice truly believed she worked for God, even as she had some idea it was all a self-deluded illusion. Tatiana Maslany has been a joy to watch, dipping into Alice’s memories and fears for a vibrant and active characterization. While we probably won’t see her in season 2, her line about being lonely implies we may not have seen the last of her. Perhaps she’ll fill the romantic need Lupe Gibbs (Veronica Falcón) provided while Mason lived on her terrain. Those two may continue their on again and off the ropes grappling in season 2, but it will probably be cut down to very infrequent visits. If the series is anything like the Erle Stanley Gardner’s books, Mason’s going to have to get an apartment upstairs from the office to keep up with the cases he’ll be seeing.

Perry Mason Episode 8 Review: Chapter Eight

By Tony Sokol

The ending means we won’t be seeing much of Perry Mason the detective, something District Attorney Hamilton Burger notes in the book series. While we can be sure he will be on each case from investigation to litigation, he has a more than suitable proxy. Former Officer Drake turned in his badge to take this job. That means he is free to mess with bad cops on the clock. Drake had an eventful arc. He dipped a toe in corruption and came up clean. Drake is truly angry the second the second time he meets Perry Mason and beats the shit out of him on the street like a dog. He is also already anguished. He knows he’s doing the wrong thing at the right time. The guy searching for the truth hurled an ugly opening salvo and deserved the beat-down for it, but Drake knows the importance of truth. He’s not going to get it while he’s wearing a uniform. He’s getting scammed by his superiors, taking in short-term cash to bury a long-term problem. He’s getting bullied, hassled and manipulated and Chris Chalk doesn’t let a thing get by him.

As Drake, Chalk has to walk a fine line between what is revealed and what is kept under wraps. The actor’s eyes accuse his superiors for the benefit of the audience, while escaping detection by the detectives accused. He doesn’t reserve this merely for fellow cops. He gives a disappointed glare at his wife, a whole series of reactions to what he sees as Mason’s antics and a strong gleam of support for Della Street. Mason’s confidential secretary, associate and someday partner groomed the attorney while he wasn’t looking and Juliet Rylance brings a calm assuredness to the role. Everything about her portrayal is understated. She is not only the smartest person in the room but the strongest. Both Drake and Street were introduced in Gardner’s first Mason novel, The Case of the Velvet Claws, from 1933.

The death of Detective Ennis means we will be losing one of the most interesting characters on the series. This guy was complicated, to say the least, and yet, very simple. He could have been one of the great villains of cable TV, and we are robbed of his further exploits. This was a bad, bad cop, who kept getting worse. He was sentenced to death by his own partner. The District Attorney wouldn’t even put him on the stand. Ennis never gets to excuse, redeem or even explain his actions. Mason will never get to face off against him and he is quite the nemesis. Because we won’t be seeing him again next year, Andrew Howard should be commended on a bad job, well done. Not only did he bring a nuanced maniac to life, he captured the series’ time period in a way no other actor could.

Ennis is a 1930s hard ass. He could have been played by Barton MacLane, though he evokes the actor Joseph Sawyer. Howard captures not only the timing of the patter, but the old-school method of acting as laid out by James Cagney: Look the other guy in the eye and say your lines. But mean them. When Ennis tosses off his snide asides on Mason’s imagined stand, eviscerating Mrs. Dodson, he is fully 1932 American. Howard is Welsh, or maybe another foreigner taking American jobs, his character might say. Ennis busted heads to keep the U.S. safe from commies. Howard also played on a 2013 episode of NBC’s short-lived Ironside remake. It seems he can’t get away from the shadow of Raymond Burr.

Perry Mason has already distinguished itself from the series which ran on CBS starting in 1957. It did it by dipping further into the novel series to get to the root of what makes Mason tick. HBO’s series isn’t absolutely hardcore about being a faithful adaptation. The iconic series and later novels mention Mason served on a Navy minesweeper during World War II. The HBO series places Mason in the trenches of World War I, where he got a “blue ticket” discharge. It is implied early that he got this for some sexual scandal, but we learn he killed wounded members of his own squad to spare them a horrific death by poison gas and flamethrower.

The ending scene, where Mason and his team are assembled and taking on their first client, means this particular trio will continue to go after the least winnable cases. The woman walks in and says she’s in trouble. Everything about her looks troublesome, except the retainer which she can pay upfront. Whatever her crime, the trial sequences which get her off will be very engaging. Television law is a game of chess, sometimes the defense is on top, but usually the prosecution is in charge. The ending of Perry Mason means the balance will be tipped.

The post Perry Mason Ending Explained appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2CfZj2R

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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zambiahereicome · 7 years

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I am trying to fall in love with myself again.

I have decided to live in Africa and I regretted that decision immediately. Mostly because how unprepared you can be in this state. After my service, I was incredibly lucky.

I got a job immediately. With incredible pay and experience. I had no interest in returning back to America. I just watched the wrong person become President and it only cemented my dreams of living aboard. I have incredible international friends that would last over distances compared to friends in the US who became preoccupied with life.

I wasn’t angry at them. Africa didn’t excite them and WiFi/Netflix filled their lives. I was nothing but cool for the moment. A likable Facebook post that you pass on your feed.

I didn’t mind. I wanted to live in a foreign country. I wanted my children to have citizenship in an another country. I wanted to find someone who enjoyed the life I had made for myself. To meet me in my path and join their path with mine. I was living my dream.

I learned many things in my last year here. I forgot the village and my dog so easily. I wanted to continue work in nonprofit and public service work. I still wanted to write and produce novels that spoke of the era I lived in. I was on my way.

I learned that many things you plan for, don’t happen. I think of this of my senior year. I did not accomplish much. But it was okay I didn’t because I knew that this was leading towards my future. I wanted to continue living and doing whatever I wanted. How many times do I have to repeat that I was independent?

How many times do I have to tell myself that this last year was worth it? I will remake the money I have lost. I will grow in a person continuously.

Traveling alone is the most frightening part of this journey. Figuring everything out with your own American perspective without anyone else to talk to is frightening. Incredibly frightening. I am scared every day. I am so scared when RPCV’s judge my choices. Current PCVs are so proud of me. But they don’t understand this struggle. So much of the international world cannot be experienced without money. And outside of Peace Corps, you have to work a nine to five job with less than two weeks of personal days for vacation. Life sucks after Peace Corps.

———————————————————————–

It sucked for a year. Loneliness was the largest burden. I had to constantly remind myself that I was okay. I am okay. You are okay. I will be okay. But I wasn’t.

I became sad. Depression kicked in quickly. Management at my new place sucked out any creative and happy energy. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to write again but I lost my voice.

I became a survivor. Survive this last year. Survive this last year. Run back to you mother and let her keep you in her strong arms and regroup. Regroup then. Regroup then. Survive. Survive. Survive with a smile.

I lost friends again. It was frightening again. It is the universe, I kept thinking, saying I deserved loneliness. Friends walked in and out. I still survived. I lived in an incredible place and wanted nothing. I had food and a roof. I was warm. I was comfortable.

But I was only surviving. Depression was my nighttime, unhappiness was my morning ritual, and loneliness was my daily friend.

I couldn’t cry anymore and I couldn’t express my feelings. The writing was lost to me. It was the hardest heartbreak to ever happen in my life. I lost the love of my life.

Now you may be wondering why I am writing now. I had to fall back in love with the most important and incredible thing to happen to me. When I learned to write and write passionately, I also dreamed. Dreamed in scenes. Epics and tragedies occurred all in one night. In great detail, I would remember everything and would inspire me to write more. My dreams were filled with worlds and my hands were desperate. Desperate to write words and type them. Otherwise, my mind would explode with voices unheard.

I fell back in love. I am still depressed, trust me. That shit doesn’t go away. But I had to fall to rock bottom. The first thing I lost was trust. I no longer trust anyone. Emotions were investments and I no longer gave it away for free. I cannot call myself a giver when I expected a return. I thought daily that I deserved trust and love. I realized I may be alone forever. I had to be okay with that.

I am still not okay with it.

I had to fall to the bottom and rise back again.

A phoenix. Except there was no Dumbledore waking me up from the fragile ugly chick I am. I was burning first.

I am still slowly fall in love. I do not know this beautiful thing anymore. She has changed. So have I. But I know she is magical. And I want to deserve her again. To write is my life.

But I am still trying to survive and not live. It will take time before I am back. Or maybe fully understand who I am now. Who she is now.

from http://ift.tt/2q4wDCB

#peace corps #service #Zambia #Africa

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