#I have nothing against people who enjoy ACOTAR I just can’t stand the fact that all the fairies are straight in those books

[chilly-weirdo-in-a-tomb]

I told my friend that if she reads the Locked Tomb, I’ll read All for the Game

[belle-keys]

Incoherent thoughts about A Court of Silver Flames (2021) by SJM

Do not expect this to be a critical, unbiased review at all. Eet just ease what eet ease. Spoilers ahead laddies. 

*unwanted preface* 

Okay, so like, you know those things that are neither objectively perfect nor unproblematic yet you love them and are attached to them anyway? Yeah, this is me with SJM’s writing. See, I been with Sarah and Throne of Glass since March of 2015 and with ACOTAR since the summer of 2015 when I was 13 and honestly, ACOTAR in particular occupied a decent portion of my formative teen years. Eventually, when I was about 16 I sort of ended up getting distracted from YA books and went into my thot and kpop era. A main reason for this is that I found ACOFAS particularly disenchanting. This ain’t about that book (sigh) but let’s just say as much as I was still attached to and in love with the ACOTAR world, I was still able to get very annoyed by the decreased quality of the writing and also the evident projecting Sarah was doing onto Feyre with regards to her own life and experiences (ahem). No, the lack of developed POC in the book had nothing to do with it ironically. 

So basically, since the spring of 2018 I haven’t read any SJM yet I never fell out of love with the books either. I’ve sworn off TOG after whatever the hell EOS was, but ACOTAR was always more special and close to my heart by tenfold, honestly. See, the best day of my 2016 was the day I found out ACOTAR was getting the extra 3 novels and 2 novellas. ACOFAS was a dumpster fire but I was actually surprised to really, really enjoy A Court of Silver Flames while it obviously has a couple (multiple) sus facets to it. The susness aside, I thoroughly felt at home reading Nesta’s book despite how irrational that might sound. No, I’m not here to say the book was objectively good but I’m here to say I still enjoyed it despite my love-hate relationship with SJM and her writing. :( :( :( 

That being said imma still roast tf out of a couple aspects of it. :)

*the susness*

Aight wbk that SJM like, projects a lot onto feyrhys right. I’m not even gonna deny it. Like as horrible as it sounds, when feyrhys were, like, struggling as a couple and shit in ACOMAF, that’s when I loved them the most but then the shitstorm that was ACOWAR hit and they couldn’t go without boning every two seconds or calling each other mates and shit and basically every character in the book started kissing their asses (except Nesta) to the point where they were infallibly good and powerful and everyone’s heads were lodged up their asses... I got PISSED OFF then, right.

Now, in ACOSF (is that correct?), they were side characters and, gratefully, that romance between them was toned down. But here are some things concerning feyrhys and the Court of Dreams that irked tf out of me, and the implications that they had for Nesta (who is perhaps one of the baddest bitches ever) had me feeling homicidal towards the IC:

Every single time Nesta said shit about Rhys and then Cassian got mad I wanted to SCREAM like yooo let her roast tf out of him like yeah I get Rhys lowkey did a lot for her both directly and indirectly but cmoooooon not everyone needs to be riding his dick like the man HATED Nesta from the get-go. I loved the idea that someone in the book lowkey abhors Rhys just for the TEA it gave me. Like yeah, okay Cassian, I get that he’s your bro but he can SUCK NESTA’S DICK also like my girl is a DEATH GOD.

Here me out: the Inner Circle completely dehumanized Nesta, they completely disregarded her personal autonomy and caged her in which is ironically the very behavior that was villainized when Tamlin did it to Feyre. First of all they restricted her movement, they made decisions FOR her, they withheld from her knowledge about her own powers, they decided what’s best for her and acted like she was a rabid dog the entire time. Only Cassian and Azriel seem more blameless in this regard, but the level of scorn and abohorence and moralizing Feyre, Elain, Rhys, Amren and Mor did towards Nes made my blood boil. At the end of the day, the Inner Circle did the VERY THING they hated being done to Feyre. Whatever happened to the freedom they professed? The autonomy they decided all members of their court deserved? That was all bullshit, or was this switch-up SJM’s way of creating justifiable conflict between Nesta and the Inner Circle... either way, there was no closure about this and the way they dictated Nesta’s behavior whilst completely mistreating her imo.

More on Nesta’s treatment - okay listen the way the narrative had every character acting like Nesta was fricking scum and for WHAT??? Okay, she didn’t hunt when Feyre and they were poor, she was bitchy, she hates the Fae... okay, why is Nesta still being punished for her mistakes like this by the Court? Does their forgiveness only apply to those in their clique? They’re acting like her drinking and sleeping around and her general bitchy behavior is sooooo toxic when they ALL coped with their respective trauma in questionable ways in their centuries of living. And the narrative never condemned them for this behavior either... like cmon they had an “intervention” about Nesta like if she needed to reach a certain moral standing to be lovable or something. Seems to me that only Cassian was willing to love her, bruises and all... “There’s nothing broken to be fixed. You are helping yourself. Healing the parts of you that hurt too much - and perhaps hurt others too”. But as beautiful as that it, it seems the IC see Nesta’s healing as her “redemption arc” when I never saw her as a villain or monster to begin with. They acted like she had to become deserving of their acceptance. Bullshit.

No cus more on this... Cassian is the only person who defended Nesta, the only person that wanted to help her heal and grow when everyone else wanted to fix her. He was the only person who was kind to her from the original trilogy (i.e. not counting Emerie and Gwyn). He stood up for her and I’ll gush about them in the next section, but the dynamic between Nesta and the IC was the least enjoyable aspect of the book for me. It was clear SJM wanted to spur Nesta towards the path to healing yet only figured out how to do so whilst only keeping feyrhys as the nucleus of this arc, and so she had them force Nesta into her “special journey” (because she loves them so much, cus they’re sooooo perfect right *rolls eye*), yet, the narrative didn’t quite condemn them for their toxicity towards Nesta at ALL, even towards the end. The good thing is that Nesta did not become an ass-kisser throughout the story and laud them for “helping her” every waking second. Only Cassian didn’t shun her for her inner negativity but embraced her. And Az was pretty cool too, can’t hate him.

Ahem, the ending: okay, I’m not even capping, but I hated that Nesta lost her power for feyrhys. I get that she genuinely did it out of love and shit and I’m not even gonna lie, the thought of feyrhys dying had me on the verge of tears cus as much as I hate them, I also love those bitches. Yet, the culmination of Nesta’s power was, what?, to save feyrhys. This way, the narrative put Feyre at the center of Nesta’s narrative towards the end. And Nesta lost that Death God power that she basically EARNED in that Cauldron. This is the biggest flaw of the story. She fought against her own power to give it up... for Feyre. Like??? What??? Why was that baby arc even necessary????? Why was Nesta giving up her power necessary to fulfil her healing arc which was the POINT of the book??? Like what?????? It left a sour taste in my mouth. No- an abhorrent acidic bitter taste in my mouth. 

Elain. I CANNOT STAND THIS GIRL. She completely abandoned Nesta and for WHAT??? For Feyre??? This only served to reiterate from the narrative’s POV that Nesta was scum and again, idk WHY. And also, why tf does this girl mistreat Lucien like this??? LUCIEN AKA MY FAVORITE CHARACTER???

I just don’t get how the narrative reiterated that Tamlin is the worst of the worst when you got Rhys hiding shit from Feyre, hiding knowledge of Nesta’s power from Nesta, all of that. Like, was the entire point of ACOMAF not for Feyre to embrace her power and become her best self? Rhys never for one second tolerated withholding Feyre’s power from her. So why tf does this apply to Nesta? Cus she’s unhealthy? Okay... so what??? Why villainize her like this and imply she’s undeserving of her power and a waste of life??? I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RN LIKE WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM??? What did my girl do that was sooooo bad that yall needed to treat her like this. Tell me why feyre and amren and varian and rhys all acted like Tamlin in this book. Cardi voice WHAT WAS THE REASON. I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS CUS THEY ACTED LIKE THE FRICKING MORALISING SYCHOPHANTS THEY CLAIM TO HATE.

Like bitch??? They’re like those youth pastors that reiterate how broken and messed up people with mental illness are? Acted like Nesta screwing guys was the worst thing ever when they should have embraced her? Like I get she would push them away but really??? “Waste of life”??? 

So we gon gloss over how Amren was insisting Nesta shut up about the baby business to Feyre (aka hiding shit from her)? How she was implying that Rhys should conquer all of Prythian? Hear me out, even as someone from a Caribbean country that was colonized by the whites, it actually doesn’t bother me when the theme of conquest comes up, like, this is a fantasy novel and colonization does not exist within the same context for me. That being said, like, it felt as if the narrative telling me lil Rhysie is just sooooo perfect that he needs to be High King. Like, I respect the fact that Rhys has no wish to do so. Homeboy never seemed to care for conquest beyond ensuring his Court’s prowess and safety so WHAT WAS THE REASON AMREN??? Like? What kinda crack was Amren on this entire book???

The worldbuilding... listen, the politics and history felt all over the place, felt incoherent and flat honestly. Didn’t bother me as much as it did in ACOWAR but it was just *meh*, not good. Not horrible, but not great. I preferred the world when it was directly the result of Beauty and the Beat and East of the Sun, West of the Moon.

The Fae have lost their *magic*: no cus what I loved about the first book was that the Fae were one with the Courts and felt very fleshed out in terms of their powers and shit, but now only Eric and Lucien and Tamlin and sometimes Rhys have that same magic for me. Like... the sensuality of the Fae in terms of their actual Celtic roots, that which felt whimsical and immersive in the first book, feels lost to me. I can’t explain it but I feel less nuance and orthodoxy in their portrayal. However, I DID love this one line featuring none other than the loml : “Amid the pink and white blossoms, the cold-faced Autumn Court heir looked truly faerie - as if he’d stepped out of the tree, and his one and only master was the earth itself”. LIKE I SALIVATED THAT IS MY MAN.

*good stuffs*

Okay let’s talk about the smut like I didn’t like the word choice as usual like quit with the euphemisms and say cock and goooooo. That being said like, okay, I like how she set up the physical dynamic between Nesta and Cassian cus the sex wasn’t some big romantic climactic build-up like how it was in acomaf like they were being NASTY from the get-go and I respect that drip. Like she did not cap on how porny the smut was and thank God it wasn’t some cliche romantic honeymoon type shit, like it was almost on the ao3 level of smutty goodness. All it was was missing was coarse language and hard kinks but in general, I liked the Nessian smut in this book more than the feyrhys smut in particularly ACOWAR and ACOFAS, like Nessian just do not cap.

Listen... you see that whole part when Nesta was like imagining how awesome it would be to dance Lucifer’s Bachata with Az and Cassian? Yeah, my girl just let her thoughts run wild. Like Nesta makes Feyre look naïve. Like you know how Tumblr porn in 2016 used to be with the aesthetic type shit? That’s Feyre, but Nesta is like on Pornhub level and it’s so fitting I was YELLIN lowkey. I feel like less importance was placed on how meaningful the sex and shit should be in the book and I respect that.

YOU SEE WHEN NESTA TOLD FEYRE ABOUT THE BABY!!! I WAS CHEERING HER ON. No cause they were being so nasty to Nesta especially Amren and then Feyre entered with all of her moralising shit like honey you KNOW damn well what you’re doing to Nesta is what you hate being done to you. Like damn right tell her, cus I could not STAND the double standard.

The whole training the women thing was a nice touch. It was kinda corny but also sweet. That being said, I laughed so hard when I realized how this entire book was Nesta’s quarter-life hippie rebirth where she learns to meditate and work out and read romance books and face her inner demons like this is some real New York college shit. All that was missing was a Starbucks.

Cassian. Man I love this man so much. No like he displayed peak dilf behavior. I think his attractiveness isn’t based on his bravery or his hotness but his humility man. Like he’s not a thot, he’s respectful, yet tough, yet contemplative. He’s contented with his life station yet wants to always be a better person yet is such a strong rock who really loves Nesta not despite her flaws but because they are part of her. I love the way he stood up to Rhys a lot, he didn’t shame her when she was awful to him, and he is protective (annoyingly so sometimes) but he really wanted her to empower herself. Their relationship isn’t perfect (I’m not in the mood to dissect the problematic aspects rn) but they were so sweet together and I didn’t expect to like them as much as I did back when they were lowkey a thing in ACOMAF.

The mates thing didn’t bother me cus I saw this shit coming since 2016. Yes, it’s cliche and annoying but the mates status also, like, has no meaning to me so it is what it is. Didn’t think they NEEDED to be mates but I was happy that them being mates wasn’t the core of the novel and it was secondary to Nesta’s individual healing journey.

Prepare for me to get sappy but another reason why I loved this novel was because it was a story of healing. :( :( :( The road to healing and growth in the emotional sense is always beautiful to me despite how flawed it often is when SJM writes it. I just felt really immersed in the emotional woes and eventual growth of Nesta despite my issues with the book and this is perhaps one of the main reasons that I found it beautiful, because healing as a theme is always beautiful and raw.

More of Nessian but like their relationship feels so real and raw too. No, cus like, it wasn’t tinged in as much fictitious idealism as feyrhys’ relationship was. They weren’t all stupidly in love and seeing each other in the universe and shit, like they just made each other happy and weren’t portrayed as the perfect soulmates who were each other’s yin and yang and whatever thank the LORD. Them having each other’s back was enough and ughhhh Cassian was just so sweet and such a good trainer and so aloof yet passionate like I been waiting to see more of him since ACOMAF so yayyy.

Okay... that scene where Rhys kneels to Nesta and she embraces him. yes. YES YES YES YES YES that shit was the shit that made my year like I want this man to be in her debt for the end of time like this hoe saved yall like big strong high lord better bow to the “witch” like I could hear angelic choirs at that scene like Rhys doesn’t just yield to people so easily so like, it was just kinda epic okay. Little bitchass Rhys with his perfect little river house and emo boi clothes stfu hoe.

No cus I love how Nesta told Cassian she didn’t wanna hear about Feyre’s special journey or Rhys’s special journey or Mor’s like I got fed up of people acting like they epitomized “good” and the “good path” to self-discovery when they can choke on a baguette as far as I am concerned.

*shit no one except me probs cares about*

Eris. So here is the thing. Since 2015 in ACOTAR when Eris was Under the Mountain being all red-headed and cunning and sexy and evil I have been obsessed with him... well, the idea of him I had in my head and how delectably abhorrent he seems (I like villains and side-characters okay). Maybe it was just his name (Eris is a hot name shut up) or the idea of a rich, cunning fox-faced prince in the same universe appealed to me. Either way, I actually never expected by favorite cameo-character to become... important. I’ll die on the hill of loving him. Here is the thing... I don’t want him to be good, in the same way I did not want Rhys to be a good guy in ACOTAR either. I don’t need him to be a secret angel, I don’t need him to be sweet and good like Rhys always was apparently. Honestly, I want him corrupt but likeable and pertinent to the story. That being said, I really want him as the main character for one of the upcoming novels sooo bad like please PLEASE let me see the autumn court and it’s two-facedness please like if not Eris then Lucien as the main character please.

Lucien... aka my fave character since the first book man. Mannn, SJM does homeboy so dirty like I have always loved Russian fables and hence, I am so ready for Lucien x Vassa x Jurian in the Vasilisa retelling with the firebird trope and Koshei. NO CUS in 2018 I was finna write a 100k word fic about this but then I forgot about it no cap, I still have the story plan in my Onenote actually but let us not reminisce. See, my ao3-loving ass wants an angsty poly relationship and also a hot Koshei I have been waiting YEARS for this you hoes, ever since Elain got the premonition of Vassa as a firebird in ACOWAR like God please please please give it to me and make it feyrhys-less as well yasss.

I lowkey wanna suspect Eris is gay and Mor, also gay, knows and that’s why she lowkey kinda tolerates him now. Yet, I cannot be sure and yeah I just wanna say that I kinda want that arc lmfaooo (my ao3-self is showing shut up).

No cus I was TEASED by only seeing a glimpse of Vassa and Jurian but THEY SHALL HAVE THEIR TIME I KNOW IT.

Tamlin living as a beast is so interesting to me. He’s a side-character now but ughhhh he was so mystical and interesting as our good ole Beauty and the Beast beastie like it’s sooooo mysterious and alluring how he’s becoming his own villainous legend like I still care about Tamlin’s blond ass self despite everything. 

Give us the snowball fight scene you coward.

I just gotta say Nessian could outsmut Feyrhys any day and that makes me proud.

FRICKING AZRIEL like first of all Mor doesn’t NEED to come out until she’s ready but she gotta let the man down nicely some other way so he can move on. I do not like Elain. Never did. I still do not. I do not, frankly, want a whole novel where she and Azriel fall in love and she rejects Lucien like... okay, I DO want her to reject Lucien so he can be with Vassa at the very least but also I am not interested in Elain’s POV rn. BUT I WANT AZ’S POV AND LIKE WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO I WANT MY EMO BOI TO BE HAPPY. This is so frustrating cus Az is a walking DILF right and so, what am I supposed to do now.

I kinda miss the Spring Court just a little. It’s pretty shut up. It got that Zuhair Murad fashion too. 

Umm like, what the hell is up with that business with Helion being Lucien’s dad? We need more on this which is why I want a Lucien POV book goddammit.

Yoooooooo yall remember that bitch from ACOWAR who hybern was finna kill and she had a name and everything and then there was some foreshadowing and shit? What’s up with her? Like I can’t even remember her name lowkey but yeah what’s up with that. Was it something like Briar or Briannon or somthing???

Is Mor getting a book? Like deadass I need the Lucien and Vassa book, I need the Eris book, I need the Mor book and I need the Azriel book. Damn. Been waiting 6 years for some of this shit.

Okay that is all for now. Yes, this book has problematic elements at every level but I still loved it yet also hated some things about it. I won’t read House of Blood and Earth nor will I finish the TOG series but I guess I’ll stick with this series which remains near and dear to my soul despite what people gotta say about it. It made me happy and that’s what matters. Nesta is a huge ass inspiration to me as a character and I still wanna see her make the Inner Circle’s life a living hell uwu. I admittedly got HELLA emotional reading this story because it’s nonetheless super meaningful to me even at age 19 and it’s really powerful for me as a comfort book, and I look forward (a little) to what this woman put out next... sort of.

Signing off! Don’t @ me (okay you CAN @ me but idc).

[theladyofdeath]

Alone in the Ashes {2}

A Court of Thorns and Roses fanfction, characters belong to Sarah J Maas. Modern au. Revolves around Nesta x Cassian, Feyre x Rhysand, and Elain x Azriel. Other characters appear throughout. Based on multiple prompts sent in by anons tbr below.

Warning: Mature content. Alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, sex, language, eating disorders.

For summary & chapter index, click >  Alone in the Ashes {Acotar}

Word Count: 4.4k

A/N: And so it begins.

Comment to tell me what you think, or to be tagged! x

“When you spend so long trapped in darkness, Lucien, you find that the darkness begins to stare back.” ― Sarah J. Maas, A Court of Mist and Fury

“I’m so sorry, you poor bastard,” Feyre breathed, after learning that Cassian now lived across the hall from her eldest sister. 

He chuckled, drinking from his glass. “She doesn’t seem that bad. That guy of hers seems like a real prick, though.”

Feyre snorted. “Don’t get me started.”

Cassian opened his mouth to speak but Rhysand leaned over. “No, seriously, don’t get her started.”

Feyre nudged him in the shoulder, causing him to laugh. “Anyway, where’s Azriel? He said he’d be here by now.” 

“Had to go get Mila,” Cassian said, finishing off his glass. “Unexpectedly. Just texted about a half hour ago. There was an incident, apparently. The police called this time.”

Feyre nodded, understandingly. It wasn’t the first time Azriel’s plans had changed last minute, but when he was called on, he always went to get Mila. 

Rhysand waved the bartender over, calling for another beer. “Karaoke night. Added you to the list, Feyre.”

Feyre froze. “Uh, no. I’m not going up there. Not after last time.”

Cassian grinned as Rhysand said, “I thought you gave a beautiful rendition of Like a Virgin.” 

“Fuck you,” she murmured, and cursed herself for smiling.

A live band played in the corner, the lead singer getting far too into it. He’d taken his shirt off and given it to a drunk girl cheering him on about thirty minutes before, and after that, Feyre just hadn’t been able to take him seriously. 

“Alright, I’ve had enough sadness,” Feyre said, hopping off her bar stool and handing her tall glass to Rhysand. “Come on, Cass. We’re going to dance.”

Cassian groaned, but it was all for show, because the moment he was on the dance floor, he had his arms around Feyre’s waist and he was swinging her around. 

“You should ask Rhys!” Cassian yelled into her ear above the music. “He’s a better dancer than me!”

“But this is how I get all the ladies to notice you!” Feyre yelled back, grinning from ear to ear. 

Cassian laughed, and spun her in a circle. 

Feyre loved to dance. She didn’t do it often, only when she went out with the boys. She used to dance with Mor, but she was always busy with school, lately, since she decided to further her education. She wanted to be a doctor. How selfish. 

She had called her on the way to the bar, with Rhysand in the car with her, behind the wheel. 

Stop studying and come dance with me, she had said into the phone.

Mor had laughed. It’s finals week! A few more days and I get to come home for the summer. Then, we will dance, I promise. 

Until then, she had Cassian. 

And every time Feyre brought Cassian out onto the dance floor, the girls gravitated toward him. 

True enough, as the second the song ended and another was beginning, a tall, blonde woman with a short black dress and combat boots had come up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. The second he turned to face her, Feyre hurried away. 

Rhysand was laughing, watching the scene unfold. He handed Feyre her glass as she sat back on her stool.

“Works every time.”

“You’re the greatest wing man,” Rhysand agreed, pressing his bottle to his lips. “Alright, now it’s my turn.”

He set his glass on the bar top before standing up and holding out his hand. Feyre drained her glass before putting her hand in his. 

He pulled her close to his body. He smelled of lavender and vanilla.

“Have you been using my soap?” she asked, leaning forward to talk into his ear. 

He laughed, his breath hot against the side of her face as he said, “That depends...will you be pissed if I said yes?”

“Damn it, Rhys,” she said, unable to stop her grin as one of his hands found her waist, the other still in her hand. 

They danced, and Feyre found herself loving every minute of it. Everything came so natural with Rhys. For the first time in a long time, Feyre was enjoying herself without any thought of all she had been going through. 

That joy was nice, while it lasted.

Because half an hour later, Rhysand was pulled back by the shoulder and knocked to the floor by a fist that belonged to a man, all too familiar.

“What the fuck?” Feyre yelled, looking into Tamlin’s deep, green eyes.

“I knew it,” he hissed. “I fucking knew it.”

It was what he had accused her of, once more, when she was at his apartment that morning, getting the rest of her things.

You fucking Rhys, yet? He’d asked.

Feyre never answered him. She just got the box of her shit and left.

Rhysand was back on his feet, a bruise already forming on his eye bone, Cassian having come to Feyre’s side. 

“Fucking whore,” Tamlin spat, then Cassian was standing in front of Feyre.

“You need to leave,” Rhysand said, as the music died down, obvious that there was a scene about to play out.

Feyre was mortified. 

“Why?” Tamlin asked, turning around to face Rhysand. “This is a public space, I am just as welcome here as anyone else.”

“No,” Rhysand said, eyes narrowed. “You’re not.”

“Says the guy that was just knocked on his ass.”

Cassian took a step closer to Tamlin’s back, just as Rhysand took a step closer in front of him. “You need to leave, Tam.”

“Tam,” he repeated the old nickname. “Been a while since I heard that from you. Or Feyre, for that matter. But, I suppose she would stop calling me by my nickname the moment she started fucking you-”

Rhysand’s fist met Tamlin’s jaw, and Tamlin stumbled, catching himself before he could fall onto the floor. 

Feyre’s eyes went wide as blood trickled out of the side of Tamlin’s mouth.

Tamlin started forward, but Cassian intervened, pushing Tamlin back by his shoulders. He whispered something feral into his ear, which made Tamlin stop. He looked from Feyre to Rhysand, shook his head, and walked out. Cassian looked back at the band, and said, “Where’s the music?”

They started up again and people began dancing like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

Feyre’s hands were shaking, though, as she excused herself and hurried to the restroom. She locked herself inside of a stall and cried.

She was pissed.

Pissed at Tamlin, pissed at the sight of him, pissed that he came to ruin her night.

She was pissed at Rhysand, pissed that he’d punched her ex. He was better that than, better than to stoop to Tamlin’s level.

She was pissed at herself. Pissed that she cared. Pissed that it bothered her at all. 

The door opened, and loud footsteps trailed to the other side of the stall door. 

“Feyre.” A soft knock. “Open up.”

“Fuck off,” she said, wiping at her eyes.

“Open the door or I’ll crawl underneath and this floor is disgusting.”

Angrily, Feyre unlocked the door and pushed it open.

Rhysand was standing there, arms crossed. The bruise beneath his eye was turning a soft shade of blue. “I’m sor-”

“I’m ready to go home.”

Rhysand frowned. He reached out for her hand, and she let him take it. He pulled her toward him, into his chest, and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry. Okay? I got pissed. I caused a scene. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t just go around hitting people,” she said, voice muffled into his shirt. 

“I know,” he said.

“And I can stand up for myself without the two of you brutes causing a scene,” she said, referring to him and Cassian, who was most likely back to dancing with the tall blonde.

“I know,” he said, and leaned back, taking her face into her hands.

His eyes were full of worry, full of regret.

She understood where Tamlin was coming from, she supposed, in the fact that it would not be the craziest thing for Feyre to end up with Rhys. He was her best friend and she loved him, more than she loved most people, differently than she loved anyone else. 

But they had never done anything. They had only ever been friends.

“Let’s go back out there. Drinks are on me,” he said.

“I thought they were already on you,” Feyre said, and Rhysand grinned, although it didn’t meet his eyes.

“I am sorry,” he said. “You can hit me, if you want.”

“Tempting,” Feyre mumbled, before pushing against his chest. “I’m going to poke you in your bruise when you least expect it.”

Rhysand laughed. “Feel better, do you?”

Feyre rolled her eyes, then pressed her lips to his cheek. Rhysand tensed, but it quickly faded. “Thank you for defending my honor, you savage caveman.” 

Rhysand’s smile was contagious as he took her hand and led her back into the bar.

He called for the bartender and ordered a round of shots. 

~~~~~

“Hungry?” Azriel asked, looking in the rear view mirror of his truck.

Mila sat in the backseat, her pink Velcro shoes kicking wildly. “Yes. I want chicken nuggets.”

Azriel chuckled. “You always want chicken nuggets.”

“Yeah,” she said, as if it were obvious, “because they’re yummy.”

“Alright,” he said, “but then we have to go home and get ready for bed. Okay?” 

“Okay,” she said, slowly. “When can I see Rhysie?”

Mila loved Rhysand more than anyone else. He was her man.

“Tomorrow, maybe. He’s not home tonight.”

“Is he somewhere being naughty?” she asked, giggling.

Azriel snorted. “Probably.”

He pulled into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant and parked. He unbuckled her car seat and carried her inside on his hip. Her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck.

After ordering, they sat near a window and ate chicken nuggets, french fries, and chocolate shakes.

“Is mama okay?” she asked, looking up at Azriel with big, brown eyes. 

She may have only been four, but she saw far more than most people thought she did. Her mother, included.

Azriel set down the chicken nugget he was about to eat. “Yeah, babe. She just...she needs to get a little help, you know?”

Mila nodded, slowly, not quite understanding. “Help?”

“Yeah, from a doctor,” he explained, popping the chicken nugget into his mouth. “Here, know what you should try?”

Mila blinked. “What?” 

He took the lid off her chocolate shake and dipped a french fry into it before putting it into his mouth.

Mila scrunched her nose. “Ewww!”

“You don’t know if it’s ewww until you try it,” he winked. “Try it and I’ll give you a dollar.”

Mila’s eyes grew wide. “A whole dollar?”

Azriel nodded. “Mhmm.”

“Fine,” she said, sassily, before dipping a french fry into her milkshake. She took a bite and thought about it for a second. “That’s yummy.”

“Told you so,” Azriel said, before dipping another french fry into her milkshake.

She stuck her tongue out at him. 

He stuck his tongue out at her, too.

She giggled, and continued to eat. 

And once she was full, Azriel carried her back to his truck and strapped her into her car seat before taking her back to his apartment. The minute he pulled in, she was already fast asleep. She’d had a big day.

He carried her up the stairs and unlocked his apartment door. After slipping off his shoes, he carried her to the back room, the guest room, which was dominantly covered in Mila’s belongings, and laid her down. He took off her shoes and covered her with a blanket.

Mila flopped around before she opened her eyes, sleepily. With a yawn, she said, “G’night, Uncle Az.” 

“Goodnight, babe,” he whispered, and kissed her forehead before clicking on a batman nightlight and cracking the door behind him. 

He meandered into the living room and slumped down in his chair. He grabbed the remote but didn’t turn on the t.v. 

It wasn’t the first time it had happened.

And it wasn’t that he didn’t like having Mila. He loved having his niece with him, but that wasn’t the point, that wasn’t what pissed him off.

Mila was only four, living in a world she didn’t deserve. She was tossed into a situation the moment she had been born that wasn’t fair. 

He fished his phone out of his pocket to see if anyone had called, but his screen was blank. Unsure of what happened with his sister after he’d picked up Mila from the police, Azriel tossed his phone on the side table, turned on the t.v., and settled back into the comfort of his lazyboy. 

Mila believed that the crack of dawn was an appropriate time to wake up.

He’d better get some sleep.

~~~~~

“Mother’s tits, Feyre, your breath smells like shit.”

Rhysand had carried her up the stairs, and she had giggled in his face the entire time. By the time they were inside of their apartment and he was dropping her on the couch, he could hardly breathe from the overwhelming scent of tequila. 

“Thank you for carrying me,” she sang, reaching up for him.

Rhysand shook his head, slipping off one of her sandals, then the other. “You are so fucking drunk.” 

“Says the guy that gave me the shots,” she laughed, and then Rhysand turned on a light and she groaned. “Turn it off!”

Rhysand grinned. “Alright, come on. Let’s get you cleaned up and in bed.”

“No,” she said, yawning, snuggling into the couch. “This is where I’m staying tonight. Right. Fuckin. Here.”

“Let’s at least brush your teeth,” Rhysand said, laughing quietly. “And take a quick shower.”

“You just wanna see me naked,” she slurred.

Rhysand lifted a brow. “If I wanted to see you naked, I would’ve made up an excuse a long time ago. Come on.” 

A lie, but she cooperated, nonetheless.

She clung to him as she stumbled down the hallway. And when she fell into the little bathroom, Rhysand flicked on a light, causing her to groan again. Rhysand, paying her whininess no mind, lifted her up onto the counter top of the vanity and turned on the sink. He grabbed her toothbrush, and put toothpaste on it, before handing it to her.

She blew a raspberry at him.

Rhysand shook his head, exasperated. “Very mature. Open up.”

“No.”

“Come on, Feyre, open up.”

“Nooooo.”

“Open your fucking mouth, Feyre,” Rhysand laughed, pulling at her bottom lip. 

“Fine,” she groaned, obnoxiously, and opened her mouth, wide.

Rhysand, oh so patiently, brushed her teeth for her. “Spit,” he ordered. She did so. Then, he handed her a tiny cup full of water. “Rinse.” She did that, too.

“Better?” he asked, rinsing off her toothbrush before putting it back in the holder. 

When he looked back to Feyre, she was staring at him. “You’re really fucking pretty.”

Rhysand snorted. “So I’m told.”

She took his face in her hands and squeezed his cheeks. His lips popped out as he rolled his eyes. “I’m gonna start the shower. Alright?”

She shook her head. “No, not yet.”

Her voice had grown quiet, her hands on his face loosening. “Do you love me, Rhysand?”

Rhysand lifted a brow as Feyre’s hands trailed down his cheeks, his neck, to his chest, where they rested over his heart. “You know I do.”

“Your heart is beating super fast,” she slurred, eyes bright.

“You are a beautiful woman, Feyre,” Rhysand said, smiling fondly. “But you are not a pretty drunk.”

Feyre scowled. “Start my shower, peasant.”

Rhysand huffed a laugh. “Yes, my Lady.”

He turned to do just that, but she pulled him back by the neck of his shirt, until his face was only an inch from hers. 

“Will you join me in the shower, Rhysie?” she crooned.

Rhysand had imagined her asking him that so many times throughout the years, but her breath did not smell like mint-coated-tequila in any of those fantasies.

“As tempting as that sounds, I don’t think-”

She pressed her mouth against his, hungrily, and Rhysand froze. Her tongue slid against his, her teeth nipping at his bottom lip. 

He pulled back, hastily, and cleared his throat. “Um….I think we should-”

Feyre leaned forward and heaved, puking violently all over Rhysand’s jeans. With nothing left to do, he sighed, gathering her hair into his hands as she cleared her stomach. “You should be happy I fucking love you, Feyre, darling.” 

When she was done, her eyes were glazed over, watering, her skin pale, clammy. He waited a few minutes, holding back her hair with one hand and rubbing her knee with the other, before asking, “Done?”

Feyre groaned, eyelids growing heavy. 

“Alright.” Rhysand pulled off his vomit-covered jeans and t-shirt and tossed them in the corner before taking off her tank top, tossing it in the corner, too.

“Take off your jeans, Feyre,” he ordered, gently, “unless you want to wake up smelling like shit in the morning.”

Rhysand laid a towel down on top of the mess on the floor and helped Feyre to her feet, where he unbuttoned her jeans and helped her slip them off. Her eyes were already fluttered shut as she sat back on the counter top in her bra and panties. Rhysand covered a washcloth in warm water and soap before cleaning around her mouth and down her chest, her abdomen, and her thighs - everywhere the vomit had landed. When he was done, he gathered her up into his arms, and carried her across the hall to her bedroom.

She was already sound asleep when he laid her down and tucked her in.

After shutting her door, in nothing but his boxer-briefs, Rhysand cleaned the vomit off the bathroom tile and vanity before gathering all the dirty shit and putting it into the washing machine. After taking a quick shower himself, he stumbled into his bedroom and fell onto his bed, face first, moaning as his bruise, where he’d been punched, made contact with his pillow. 

It had been a hell of a night.

~~~~~

Nesta stared at the opposite side of the bathroom stall as Tomas thrust himself into her. She tried to fake the noises of pleasure at first, but she eventually gave up as the boredom grew.

Tomas leaned back, eventually, breathing heavily as he took in her expression. “You’re not enjoying this at all, are you?” 

Nesta sighed. “I’ve fucked you too many times. Now, it just feels forced and never lasts long enough.”

His eyes narrowed and he stepped back, dropping his grip on her thighs.

She reached for her jeans on the dingy floor as he zipped up his pants and fled from the stall. 

“Seriously?” Nesta called after him. “Quit acting like an ass.”

Her jeans were halfway up her legs when he left, leaving her alone in the restroom.

Once she was dressed, she left the stall and looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was still looking good, hanging loosely behind her in curls. Her makeup was hardly smudged. 

Pulling out a cigarette and her lighter, Nesta left the restroom and fell back into the loud, busy club. She pushed her way through the crowd until she was out the front door, into the parking lot.

When she got to their parking spot, Tomas’ car was gone.

“Fuck!” she yelled, looking around, exasperated, but he was already gone. “Fucking prick.”

She took a drag of her cigarette before running a hand anxiously through her hair. 

It was dark.

She lived five blocks away.

It was not the best part of town. 

She pulled her phone out of her back pocket, but it was dead. Of course.

With a sigh, and a hope that no one jumped her, Nesta began to walk back home. 

Nesta liked the dark, the quiet. She liked being alone.

The only reason she had kept Tomas around for so long was because he was convenient. He bought her whatever she wanted and was able to find the shit that was hard to find. Now, she found all that a ridiculous reason to keep him around.

She dented his pride, and he had abandoned her at two in the morning. 

Nesta walked quickly, looking around her often. She finished her cigarette and tossed it in the bushes, crossing her arms across her chest. 

Behind her, a black truck turned the corner, driving slowly in her direction.

Nesta’s heart began beating fast, her pace picking up, just a little bit. She didn’t want them to know she was afraid, didn’t want them to think she was vulnerable. 

Hopefully, soon, they would pass her and let her carry on with her walk.

She had four blocks to go. 

The truck did not speed up. In fact, as the truck got closer to her, it slowed down more. 

She walked even faster, her feet starting to hurt against the pavement in her thin flip-flops. But before she could panic any further, the truck was beside her, and the window was rolling down. “Need a ride?”

She didn’t look their way. She kept her eyes forward, walking quickly, chin held high.

“Nesta!”

Her eyes shot to the road, where Cassian was looking at her with a curious expression.

Nesta stopped.

Cassian stepped on the brakes. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she asked, arms crossed. “You can’t just drive behind a woman in the middle of the night on an abandoned street!” 

Cassian raised a thick eyebrow. “Well, I thought it was you from back there, but I just wanted to be sure. Stopping for a random woman would have been creepy.”

Nesta scoffed. “We don’t know each other. To you, I am a random woman.”

“True,” Cassian agreed. “But we’re neighbors and I’m friends with your sister. So. Get in.”

“No, thanks,” Nesta murmured, pulling another cigarette out of her pocket. “I’m fine.”

“Come on,” Cassian said, following her, slowly, as she started to walk, again. “Get in the car. It’s not safe for you to be walking out here alone and you know it.”

“If I get in the fucking truck will you shut up and let me ride in silence?” she asked, turning to meet him, once more.

Cassian took a few seconds to debate it. “Yeah, alright.”

Nesta rolled her eyes as she went to the truck, but when she pulled on the handle, it was locked. “What the fuck?” she looked at him, annoyed.

“Cigarette stays out,” he said.

Nesta’s lips formed a straight line. “Seriously?”

“Uh, yeah,” he said, mocking her tone. “This is a new truck, it won’t be smelling like shit. Put it out.”

Nesta scowled, but did as she was told before opening up the door, this time unlocked, and climbing inside.

Cassian didn’t move.

Nesta sighed. “What now?”

“Seat belt,” he said, and she swore she saw humor dancing in those damned hazel eyes. 

She furiously strapped on her seat belt before grinding out, “There.”

“Good,” Cassian grinned, putting his truck in drive. “Do I want to know why you were walking down the street alone?”

“You probably do,” Nesta said, “but I won’t tell you.”

Cassian chuckled. “Fair enough.” 

They rode the next few blocks in silence, Nesta staring at the dashboard, Cassian sneaking glances at her, every so often. 

“I think you think it’s charming when you look at me like that, but it's not, and I prefer you cut it out,” she mumbled, as they pulled into the parking lot of their apartment complex.

Cassian shook his head. “I think you think people are looking at you when they’re not.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re insufferable.”

“Insufferable,” he repeated. “Nice word. What others would you use to describe me?”

He parked the car and she got out.

She was halfway up the first flight of stairs before he called from behind her, “A thank you would be nice!”

Her middle finger greeted him as he started at the stairs behind her. 

“You’re welcome,” he purred. 

Nesta wanted so badly to come back with a retort, to turn around and snap at him, but she didn’t. She was tired. Exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.

All she wanted was to go to bed.

After reaching her apartment and digging her key out of her pocket, she opened the door and shut herself inside. A moment later she could hear Cassian’s door open and close behind him. 

~~~~~

Elain should have been sleeping along with the rest of the city but she had too much energy.

She played her music, softly, careful not to wake her dad.

She did pushups for a minute.

Looked in the mirror.

Did sit ups for a minute.

Looked in the mirror.

Mountain climbers.

Looked in the mirror.

Leg extensions.

Looked in the mirror.

Flutter kicks…

She was breathing hard nearly an hour after she had begun, sweat glistening on her skin.

She stripped off her clothes and after one more glance in her bedroom mirror, she got into the shower. She let the cool water wash over her skin, let it wash away the impurities - the sweat, the stench, the thoughts she couldn’t shake. 

She found her mind wandering all day, those thoughts running wild, after she had seen Graysen’s instagram. 

She was so beautiful, his girlfriend. Long, auburn hair, striking blue eyes. 

She was who he preferred. 

Even when they were together, she was who he preferred. There was a time Graysen had loved her, she knew that, but that didn’t make it any easier when Elain got home early from work one day and saw her little blue car parked in their driveway. 

Elain and Graysen were to be married in two months.

But they would not be getting married anymore. 

Elain no longer warmed his bed, Elain no longer woke up next to him every morning, Elain no longer kissed him goodbye as they both left their home to go to work, to make money, to save for their future. 

Graysen no longer loved her. Graysen no longer found her worthy. Graysen had grown bored with her, bored with the perfect, sweet, Elain Archeron. 

The image still burned in her mind.

She had opened their front door and saw her shoes lying by the welcome mat. Noises of pleasure flooded out of the bedroom, from the bed where Elain and Graysen slept every night. 

Elain would never sleep another night with Graysen in that bed again.

She and Graysen would never share anything again.

Not even the endless void that he’d created in the depths of her soul, nor the voice of insecurity, the voice that sounded a hell of a lot like his, that never left the back of her mind. 

Elain hated him.

Elain loved him.

Elain hated that her love for him wouldn’t fade, hated that she still felt the pain so strongly, too strongly, as if it had just happened yesterday.

As the water grew colder, Elain sunk down into the tub and closed her eyes.

Perhaps she would sleep there tonight. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Prompts:

{ “I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you forget you ever met that asshole” - Feysand } -anonymous

{ “How about Nessian needing to fake date when they go home for the holidays?!” } - anonymous

{ “could u pls do like an elriel fic where azriel is like this mysterious bad boy and elain is a goody two shoes lik aaaaa i cant get that image out of my head” } - anonymous

[knightsandjedis]

Let the pettiness commence

Let me be frank here when stating that if the quarantine weren’t happening I would probably remain the type of blogger to just re-blog posts without commenting or making my own posts. I enjoy looking at things more than commenting what can I say? I should say thanks and welcome to all the followers I’ve gained these past few years. You all are awesome and hope you all are staying safe during these troublesome times!

Alright, I’m going from civil to petty here and I should forewarn you if you’re a fan of Sarah J. Maas and her novels you’ll prefer to stay away then listen to my rant. Just being polite and giving a heads up.

Listen, there are periods where atrocious books become a major part of trending pop culture. Eventually, the hype dies down and people can take a deep inhale of relief. Around the 2010s time-period, the hype was focused on Twilight books. No matter where you went you felt suffocated by the hyper-fixation people had on this series. I’ll be honest I was an avid Twilight lover for a period until I wised up and had to recognize these books are horrendous and having a bad influence on teens during my era. Teens were getting Aids from drinking each other’s blood literally, they were drinking someone’s blood literally. While they’re still popular main society’s attention has begun to wane.

Pop culture has an new interest in Sarah J. Maas’s series: Throne of Glass (ToG) and A Court of Thorns and Roses (ACOTAR). At one time I was part of the fan-base obsessed with her books. During a bleak period where every book I purchased ending up a dud despite strong premises; Maas’s first books, in both series, were a breath of fresh air. They had characters you found hysterical and enjoyed the story-lines (even though the storytelling was meh at times) and you couldn’t help anticipating future novels to see where the novels took these characters. Both series died for me at the books: Queen of Shadows and A Court of Mist and Fury.

These novels were my wake-up call to Maas’ manipulative storytelling patterns and her inconsistent characterizations. She completely morphs characters depending on the scenario. A noble, decent character is turned heinous to either add unnecessary drama or to make readers turn their affections towards another character Maas’ manipulates into becoming “the hero”- typically a love interest. Usually, the first-or second in TOG- love interests are noble characters with a few flaws but nothing to make readers despise them other than the fact they’re not the prettiest men in the series. Literally, readers adore the male characters that are otherworldly attractive than an average looking male who is humane and unproblematic. Problematic much? The message I’m receiving is you should fall in love with a pretty face rather than explore the person’s entire being (this includes past history, personality, characterization, etc).

People will say I’m petty because I’m annoyed Chaol and Tamlin did not remain the love interests. This is absolutely untrue. I’m annoyed Maas had to pull absolute garbage reasoning out of her ass to make the characters despicable.

Let’s start with Throne of Glass. Celaena (I refuse to call her Aelin because the name visually repulses me, it sounds like something Maas stole out of better high fantasy novels) realizes she doesn’t find Dorian compatible and finds Chaol more of an equal. Chaol has flaws but his main one seems to be he’s good-looking but only average in comparison to Dorian and Rowan- whose sex on legs apparently. Maas realizes people will deny Rowan as a love interest (after he gets into a punching match with Celaena) so she has to make Celaena despise Chaol and interact towards him with hostility despite her recognition Chaol had his reasoning's for certain events in previous novels. Then, Maas takes Chaol’s character, who is known for being awkward around women and loyal to a fault, and make him have one night stands, cheating on women, and apparently the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong because Celaena can’t own up she made mistakes. Nehemia also died to give Celaena that necessary push to go against the king but it’s entirely Chaol’s fault for Nehemia’s death since Celaena can do no wrong. Horseshit I say.

Dorian is not a match, Chaol is the bane of Celaena’s existence so Rowan is her champion. Gag. I actually liked Rowan in Heir of Fire but I found it repulsive how Celaena keeps throwing herself at him in Queen of Shadows and growing dependent on him. When she put him in a bath and started throwing her favorite shampoos in I found it to be the most awkward scene. It’s a moment someone with limited knowledge of sexual encounters would conjure up. “Let me give my love interest a bubble bath!” I’ve read these type of bath scenes in other novels but they’re more maturely done. Although I have to remember these books are written for teens. Then, they become mates. A contradicting setup because he had a mate in the past. But, no one is compatible unless they’re mates in Maas’ world. So, mates are stuck together and seem to have a servant/master relationship in certain portions of the stories. Yuck, just yuck.

Readers if you have to state someone is someone else’s mate so you’re aware they’re a thing then it’s probably not a healthy relationship since you’re staying they own that person in Maas’ world-building.

I’m going to stop while I’m ahead when writing about Rowan and Caelena because they repulse me. Buuuttt not to the same extent as Feyre and Rhysand. I absolutely despise these characters with every fiber of my being. This is one of the most unhealthiest relationships I’ve ever read. Before I jump into why they’re disgusting let me just say I love how everybody hopped on the Feyre adoration bandwagon only when she got into a relationship with Rhysand. Nobody liked her until she got.into.a.relationship.with.Rhysand. Wow!

Listen, I understand why Feyre couldn’t stay with Tamlin after what he did (ahem what Maas decided he should do). However contradictory Tamlin’s characterization was the relationship had turned unhealthy. Yetttt, no one batted an eye with Rhysand was giving Feyre date rape drugs, forcing her to give him lap dances making her sick when she came out of the haze, and her being entirely repulsed when he made-out with her. Plus, I read Rhysand as a gay or bi character when he was introduced. I think he would be a better character as a gay male seeking a friendship than their disgusting love story. He goes from giving her roofies and at least seeming like a morally gray character to Feyre’s champion. Yeah, not buying the bullshit.

I pity Tamlin’s character truly- he was butchered beyond recognition. He goes from allowing Feyre to wander to her heart’s extent- as long as she wasn’t in dangerous areas- to locking her up because he thought it made sense. He’s suddenly possessive of her in the most disgusting ways (but Rhysand isn’t possessive in the slightest even when he calls Feyre his “mate!”). All these details were added to make Rhys’ character more heroic. Rhys goes from being a somewhat tolerable character in his actions to a fucking messiah. Rhysand goes from roofie expert to whisking Feyre away for her own safety. Rhysand assists Feyre under the mountain unlike Tamlin! (Because the queen didn’t give a shit about Rhysand and he wasn’t under her radar to the extent as Tamlin). He loves reading stories with Feyre unlike Tamlin. (Hmm, Tamlin offers to teach Feyre to read which she stubbornly refuses because she’s independent but Rhysand forces her to learn and he’s romantic!). And gasp, Tamlin ended up being the one who murdered Rhysand’s family hence their animosity (hahahaha how desperate are you Maas, I mean seriously how pathetic). Feyre, just like Caelena, was forced into this relationship with another abuser painted as a hero in storytelling. Rhysand and Rowan are constructed into heroes to make their disgusting actions justifiable in comparison to Chaol and Tamlin’s ruined characters.

I’m mostly focused on the main relationships since that’s all I keep hearing about. Changing subjects briefly, Maas’ does not acknowledge PoC or LGBTQIA unless readers are pointing out lack of representation. If they’re introduced you’re guaranteed either they die to promote the white lead’s agenda or forced to become a villain. What kind of statement does that make, Maas???? Also, her world-building is beyond odd. Random characters get introduced in weird scenarios that she has to force into the story-line just for sprucing purposes (Manon and the 12 and the 12 princesses from Earth or whatever). Really, what were the purposes of these characters???? And these kingdoms are written so bad. One realm has everyone wearing Renaissance era clothing while the next realm has people dressing hipster I mean wtf?

The reason for my rant is that I needed to get it out of my system. Lately, I cannot get away from these garbage novels. I’m on my Kindle the books are recommended. I’m on Goodreads her books are recommended and keep winning Book of the Year despite better novels being on the same list. I go on Facebook someone mentions deciding to give the series a spin under quarantine. I’m on tumblr (if you’re a fan then that’s fine, enjoy what you love) and artwork keeps popping up. I love it’s typically Feyre giving Rhysand lap-dances in the earlier part of the series where she’s desolate and sicken by these moments. People are quite forgetful when they want to ignore something in order to make Rhysand babe. I wish I knew how to block anything Sarah J Maas on here because I’m trying to escape. I want to read other authors’ novels and not have Maas’ smug face pop up on my recommendation lists. (Her books are on every list on Goodreads- every freaking list!) Hopefully, when quarantine ends the hype will quiet again but I’m getting ticked off here.

Just had to get it off my chest. I’ll probably go back to quietly ignoring the recommendations and artwork but I’m having a moment here.

[the-wheel-comes-full-circle]

The Snowball part 17

Had a few comments about the story Rhys told Feyre in the previous update, East of the Sun and West of the Moon, it's a real story! I tweaked a few things to make it shorter. Sarah J Maas has said that ACOTAR is based on not just Beauty and the Beast, but also a story called Tam-Lin and East of the Sun and West of the Moon, which is why the storyline was so familiar.

Link to previous chapters X 

Feyre woke warm, and rested the most well rested she had been in weeks. She stretched her legs out lazily like a cat until she realised the warmth next to her was a body. Rhys's body.

He still had one arm curled protectively around her. With his free hand he stroked her arm idly.

"Is it morning already?" Feyre asked, yawning.

Rhys laughed softly. "More like afternoon."

"What?" Feyre bolted upright.

Rhys laughed again. "It's okay Feyre, you needed the sleep and I couldn't bring myself to wake you."

"What about the others?"

"They arrived late last night and settled in."

Feyre moved to get up but Rhys made a sound of protest and tried to hold on to her for a few moments longer.

Feyre laughed. "Rhys we have to get up. The others are probably wondering where I am."

"Oh I'm sure Mor told them." Rhys said with a grin.

Feyre looked at him sharply. "What?"

"Mor looked for you as soon as she got here and when she couldn't find you in your room she came in here. You were snoring softly I think, so she left."

Feyre pouted. "I do not snore."

"Just a little." Rhys insisted, flicking her on the nose.

"What does Mor think happened last night?" Feyre asked quietly.

Rhys's grin disappeared as he looked at Feyre seriously. "I told her I had too much pain medication and you were worried about leaving me alone so you stayed in here. That's all."

Feyre sighed.

"I'd never say anything happened between us if it didn't Feyre." Rhys said.

"I know. I didn't mean it like that, I just hoped you explained that to Mor so she didn't get the wrong idea."

"Don't want her to think you're not as innocent as you look, you mean?" Rhys said with a wink.

Feyre threw a pillow at Rhys so quickly, he didn't have time to stop it before it hit him in the face. "Prick".

Rhys only laughed and pulled Feyre to her feet so they could go downstairs.

"Ah there they are." Cassian said with a smirk.

"Don't even think about it Cassian." Feyre warned him quickly before Rhys got the chance.

"I wasn't saying anything. We were all just wondering what time you'd emerge today, if you emerged at all." He said suggestively.

"Cass." Rhys growled.

Cassian only looked delighted by the response he was getting from Rhys and Feyre as he smiled into his coffee.

Mor changed the topic, "Feeling any better Rhys?"

"I feel fine now. We should keep working on how to stop Hybern."

"No time to waste." Azriel agreed.

"Are we just going to ignore the fact that every time we turn on the tv there's a video of Rhys getting the crap kicked out of him by Tamlin?" Amren drawled.

"He caught me by surprise." Rhys mumbled.

"Can we use the fight against Tamlin somehow?" Feyre asked.

Mor shook her head. "Already talked to the police, told them we'd drop charges if he broke off his business deal with Hybern but Tamlin didn't take my offer. He'll probably get some fines but nothing too much for him to worry about."

"That's all? He nearly kidnapped Feyre." Rhys said darkly.

"The police said there wasn't enough evidence." Mor replied.

"Bullshit." Azriel growled.

"He's got the police force under his thumb." Amren added.

Feyre got her phone out and did a quick search for some of the articles while the others fought more about how much control Tamlin really had over the city.

Eventually Rhys sauntered over to read over Feyre's shoulder.

"Enjoying your spotlight?" He asked with a wry smile.

Feyre shook her head. "No but look at this." She held out the phone for Rhys to read the comments under a few of the articles. "People seem to be on our side, they don't trust Tamlin's story."

Rhys looked at her blankly, a question in his eyes.

"So, what if we use this to expose Tamlin's deal with Hybern? Show the city that he doesn't have their best interest's at heart." Feyre continued.

Understanding lit Rhys's eyes. "We essentially ruin all of his credibility."

"His business partners would abandon him." Cassian added, coming over to join Feyre and Rhys.

"This could work." Rhys nodded.

"But how do we encourage public dissent?" Azriel asked.

"We do interviews, call some reporters." Mor said.

Rhys had gone quiet. When he felt Feyre's eyes on him he met her stare with a sad smile.

"We could ruin him even further." Rhys said slowly.

"How?" Chorused the others.

Rhys only looked to Feyre before saying, "If, and only if, Feyre agrees, she could come out about the abuse."

"Rhys-" Mor began before being cut off by Rhys.

"I know it's a terrible thing to throw out to the media, but it would destroy Tamlin. He would never be able to recover from something like that. People would support us, listen to us."

Feyre felt all eyes go to her as they let her think about what Rhys was saying. It was a big decision. One she wasn't sure she wanted to go through with. But when Feyre thought about all that she had put Rhys and his family through, what they had done for her, she realised there really was no choice. For them she would do anything.

She nodded her head. "I'll do it."

The others sighed in relief, and Mor reached out a hand to grip her own.

"I'll start contacting people." Amren said before leaving to go upstairs.

"I'll do the same." Azriel said before also disappearing.

"I'll make you some breakfast, why don't you go sit down and just relax for a bit Feyre?" Cassian offered.

Feyre nodded her head and made her way to the living room with Mor and Rhys.

"He doesn't always use his words to show feelings, but making food for people is as close as Cassian gets to saying 'thank you', or 'I love you'." Mor laughed.

"I'll tell him he's getting too soft on me later." Feyre laughed.

"Do that, and you'll pay for it the next time you spar with him." Rhys said grinning.

"We really can't thank you enough for what you're doing Feyre. It means a lot to us." Mor said sincerely.

Feyre looked at Mor, knowing about her family life now, Feyre knew Mor really did understand her hesitation to go public and it made her love her friends more for not pushing her to do it if she didn't want to.

Feyre hugged Mor, and a stunned Mor hesitated before she hugged her back warmly. When they pulled apart, Mor murmured something about things she had to take care of and quickly left the room.

Feyre looked to Rhys confused.

"I think being near you sometimes reminds Mor of her past too much. She'll be fine." Rhys promised, before reaching for her and also pulling her into a hug.

Feyre gripped the back of Rhys's shirt hard as she realised the enormity of what she would do to Tamlin. She pressed her face into Rhys's chest trying to hide her eyes beginning to tear up.

Rhys held her tighter and stroked her hair soothingly.

"I know. I know." He whispered to her over and over.

After the panic had subsided, Feyre pulled back enough to look Rhys in the face.

"Do you think it's wrong of me to use him like this?" She asked.

"Not at all. From your suffering, you'll be able to help people Feyre. You could also help other people who feel trapped in a bad relationship."

Feyre nodded. But the sick feeling in her gut refused to go away.

"I just wanted this to be over." She said sadly.

Rhys gently brushed away the tears on her face with his thumbs before replying, "I know. We all did. But he's not going to stop until we properly end this Feyre."

Feyre closed her eyes, leaning her face into Rhys's hands more and moving her body closer to his. She heard Rhys's sharp intake of breath as she slid one hand to cup the side of his face and the other slid up his neck.

Rhys's hands stilled on her face and Feyre opened her eyes to see Rhys's face barely inches from her own. His eyes looked unfocused on her as their breath intermingled.

Feyre desperately wanted him to move again, yearned for his hands moving soothingly against her skin. As if seeing it in her eyes, Rhys brushed his thumb once more across her cheekbone before tilting his head to the side and brushing his lips softly against her own.

When Feyre tilted her head further back, allowing Rhys better access to her lips his hands moved to her waist to pull her flush against him. But to Feyre's disappointment, his mouth remained soft and gentle on hers. So Feyre instead reached behind the back of Rhys's neck to pull her down to him.

Rhys growled softly as his lips became more insistent, and Feyre encouraged him by gently tugging on his lower lip with her teeth.

A deep, guttural noise came from the back of Rhys's throat as his hands began exploring Feyre's lower back, dipping dangerously downwards. Feyre arched her back in pleasure, but Rhys's hands moved quickly so they were skimming her thighs now, instead of where Feyre had been trying to navigate them towards.

"Not yet." He whispered against her lips.

Rhys's hands traced lightly across her thighs making Feyre lift her head as his light touches tickled her. Her throat was exposed as Rhys broke off their kiss. Feyre made to try and reclaim it when Rhys's mouth moved to her neck instead.

 Feyre had to close her eyes as he lightly kissed up the column of her throat and moved towards the tender skin underneath her ear.

Rhys had subtly begun moving them both towards the couch when the loud sound of the doorbell ringing had them drawing reluctantly apart.

Rhys looked down at Feyre smiling idiotically while she blushed and tried to smooth down her hair from where Rhys had messed it up.

They were still standing side by side, the backs of their hands lightly touching, when they heard Cassian speaking loudly with the person at the door.

From the way he was talking, it sounded like he was joking but things had quickly turned heated and Rhys glanced worriedly at Feyre before making his way to the hallway.

Feyre followed, dread pooling in her stomach, thinking that maybe Tamlin had come again for her.

When she looked past Rhys, she saw Cassian standing by the open door with an arm across it, barring the person from entering. His shoulders were bunched in anger but his face looked calm, if not a little bit smug as he argued with whoever had rung the doorbell.

Feyre looked at the girl, red faced with anger, as she shouted something at Cassian, before she turned her attention to Feyre.

Feyre gasped as she recognised her.

"Nesta?"

[theladyofdeath]

V O I D { T H R E E }

Chapter 3. An ACOTAR fanfiction.

Nessian. Elriel. Feysand.

Previous chapters:  Fanfic Masterlist

“This moment will just be another story someday.”  ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Three weeks passed before Nesta began banging on Tomas’ door.

He’d been texting her, and she rarely replied. She hadn’t answered anyone’s calls or texts. She had hardly gotten out of bed.

She was already failing all of her classes due to lack of attendance, so she dropped out.

Then, she had packed up everything she owned, left the rest of the month's rent on her counter with a notice, and went to Tomas’ apartment.

He opened the door, clearly annoyed. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

“No,” she said. “I dropped out. I’m leaving town. Just thought you should know.”

He took a moment to process her words before shaking his head. “You’re really determined to ruin your life, aren’t you?”

She looked at him without saying a word. Part of her thought she should just turn around, walk away, and leave it at that.

The last three weeks were full of self-loathing and pure anger. She hadn’t always been like that. It had all began with him, the poor excuse of a man standing in front of her. He had destroyed her, had changed her, had ruined her.

“You were my best friend,” she said, quietly, when he had turned to leave her standing alone in the doorway. “I trusted you more than I trusted anyone. But you changed. The minute I slept with you, you changed.” She hadn’t even realized she’d begun to cry until the sweet salty taste hit her lips. “I hate you. I hate everything that you are, everything that you stand for, and every fucking thing that you’ve done to me. You are pathetic, and cruel, and you used me. You knew me, better than anyone, and you used me!” She pushed his back as hard as she could, hating him even more when he wouldn’t turn to face her. “You used me and you don’t even care! You don’t care about me! Everything was a lie, and I hate you!”

She yelled the words, screamed them until her throat felt raw.

Tomas said nothing. He simply turned to face her, at last, not a hint of sympathy in those eyes.

“I was your sex toy,” she said, her voice falling back to a whisper. “And I hate myself, every day, for falling in love with you.”

There it was. Everything she had felt for nearly two years, laying bare on the table. She had finally gotten the courage to leave, to walk away from him, and now she was a hurricane of anger and bitterness.

“You’ll come back,” he said, when it was clear that she would say no more. “You always do.”

Without another word, Nesta walked away.

When she made it a mile down the street, she pulled her car over and puked.

~~~

Rhysand got to Cassian’s apartment and opened it without knocking.

Cassian was sitting on his couch, brows lifted as he flipped through his biology text. “Rough day?”

Rhys went straight to the fridge and helped himself to a water. “Where’s Az?”

“Work,” Cassian replied, slowly. “You seem distracted.”

Rhysand shrugged, downing the water bottle before grabbing another one.

“Who is she?”

When Rhys looked over his shoulder, Cassian was still reading his book. “Excuse me?”

“I assume there’s a girl,” he replied, grinning. “And I assume she doesn’t like you. That’s a first. A girl who Rhys can’t have.”

Rhysand took a deep breath to refrain from rolling his eyes. “Who told you?”

Cassian’s grin widened. “Kallias. Saw him last night at the pub.”

Cassian worked at a pub on the corner of his street. It had become a popular hangout throughout the years.

“Yeah, well, Kallias is an idiot,” Rhys mumbled, plopping down in an armchair. “How're classes?”

“Hard,” Cassian said. “I fully regret my decision to go to college.”

Rhysand laughed at that. Cassian’s mother had always wanted him to go to college because she didn’t have the opportunity to. After her death, it was his biggest goal: get accepted to the University of Velaris.

And he did.

“Saw your dad this morning, by the way.”

Rhysand’s smile faded, quickly. “Did he say anything to you?”

Cassian tossed his book onto the coffee table as he stretched his long legs out on the couch. “Yeah. Told me to tell you he says hi and that your mom misses you.”

Rhysand scoffed. “Notice he didn’t say that he missed me.”

“I’m sure he does,” Cassian offered, hesitantly. “In his own…unique…way.”

They both knew that wasn’t true.

His dad had given him an ultimatum a week before school began.

Get back on the team, or leave.

Rhysand used to love basketball, but his father had quickly ruined it for him. A simple win wasn’t good enough. He had to live and breathe basketball, and in the end, he hadn’t enjoyed it anymore.

He had fallen in love with music, instead.

His dad had laughed in his face when Rhys told him as much.

Cassian and Azriel had offered their place without hesitation when Rhys told them that he had to leave his own home, only because he didn’t do what his father wanted him to.

He was eighteen.

Eighteen years of having to do everything that bastard asked of him.

Rhys was done.

So, until his dad stopped being a controlling prick, Rhysand was sleeping on Cassian and Azriel’s couch.

The door of the apartment burst open once more but it wasn’t Azriel who entered.

Mor came in, her cheer outfit neat and clean. She immediately went to the couch and ruffled Cassian's hair.

“I hate it when you do that,” he mumbled. “To what do we owe the pleasure, Morrigan?”

“Senior bonfire is tonight,” she grinned. “You two turds coming?”

Neither of them answered.

“Big college man too important to hang out with us high school kids?” Mor asked, sitting on top of Cassian's legs.

“Yes,” he answered, plainly.

Rhys laughed.

“Come,” Mor begged. “Rumor is Feyre will be there.”

Rhys blinked. “Is this coming from a reliable source or is this cheerleader gossip?”

Mor rolled her eyes. “Both. Elain is on the squad, and she told me that she’s bringing Feyre.”

Cassian looked to Rhys. “Reliable enough for you?”

“I’ll go if Cassian goes,” was all Rhysand said.

“Damn it,” Cassian muttered. “Fine.”

Mor clapped her hands. “Good! I feel like our little group hasn’t been spending enough time together. Amren is having withdrawals.”

“First of all, Amren showing emotion of any kind is shocking,” Cassian began. “Secondly, we literally spent every day this summer together.  But it’s nice to know that you can’t go so long without me, Morrigan.”

“Call me Morrigan one more time. I dare you.”

Cassian just grinned and poked her in the side.

Rhys shook his head as she swatted at him. The two of them could do this all day.

“Make Az come,” Mor said, rising to her feet. “After he says no, drag him by his earlobe.”

Az would say no.

He always said no.

Yet, he somehow always managed to tag along with their crazy little group.

He secretly loved them all.

“Yes, Morrigan,” Cassian crooned, dragging out her full name.

She pinched his arm before walking out of the apartment, slamming the door dramatically behind her.

~~~~

“Good. Let’s go before dad gets back and tells me to change.”

Elain looked at her sister and chuckled. She was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved, flannel button down.

“What does he expect you to wear? A turtle neck?”

Feyre chuckled. “Wouldn’t surprise me if he did.”

Elain slipped on her little brown ankle boots and stood, brushing down her tee shirt.

“Trying to impress somebody?” Feyre asked, brows raised as she grabbed her phone off Elain’s dresser.

“No,” Elain said, looking at herself one last time in the mirror. “But, if I happened to stumble upon someone, I wouldn’t be mad about it. And you? Think you’ll see Rhys?”

Feyre turned to leave. “I certainly hope not.”

“Why are you so against him?” Elain pressed, following her down the stairs. “He’s cute.”

“So you go out with him, then.”

Elain just smiled. “Don’t think so. Besides, he’s smitten with you.”

“Smitten?” Feyre repeated. “Who uses smitten?”

Elain took her keys and wallet from the little table by the door before she said, “It wouldn’t hurt you. To get yourself out there.”

“Why do I need someone?”

Elain rolled her eyes, locking the front door behind them. “I didn’t say you needed him. You don’t need anyone. But, you might have fun, and fun is not a bad thing.”

It wasn’t.

Yet, Feyre had secluded herself during her first three weeks at Velaris High. She had made no effort to make new friends. Rhysand tried talking to her, daily, and she dutifully ignored him.

Elain had stared at her in complete shock when Feyre accepted her offer to join her at the bonfire.

But as they pulled onto the field where the bonfire was taking place, Feyre felt uneasy. It wasn’t that she didn’t like other people. In fact, she used to be incredibly sociable. After her mother passed and things became tense between her and her father, though, she had been spending a lot more time alone.

And she liked the solitude.

Elain noticed her little sister’s shift in emotions. As she parked the car, she said, “If at any time you want to leave, find me and we’ll go. Okay?”

Feyre hated the look of concern that washed over Elain’s face. Elain was so excited. She didn’t want to ruin her night.

“It’ll be fun,” Feyre smiled. “I’ll be fine.”

At least, she would pretend to be.

~~~

“Someone spiked the punch.”

Azriel shook his head, completely unsurprised. “Who?”

Cassian shrugged. “Don’t know, but holy shit, that’s a lot of tequila.”

He looked at his plastic cup with a scrunched nose before taking another gulp.

Rhysand laughed. “Apparently it’s not stopping you.”

“Oh, it’s not stopping anyone. It’s gonna be a shit show up in here in about an hour.”

“Rhys!” Kallias called from where he stood around the fire pit. “Come help light it up!”

Rhysand sighed, hopping off the bed of his truck and trudging through the field to the fire pit.

“Long day at work?”

Azriel chuckled. “Yeah. Some old rich bastard came and yelled at me because I hadn’t started on his car yet.”

Cassian blinked. “When did he bring it in?”

“This morning. Told him we were backed up and it wouldn’t be done until tomorrow. Apparently, he wasn’t happy with that answer.”

Cassian shook his head. “Regret not going to college?”

“Not at all. Especially not after seeing your nose stuck in a book non-stop for the last month.”

Cassian raised his glass before taking another drink.

Azriel just laughed and fell back against the flannel blankets in the back of Rhys’ truck.

The sun was nearly down as Kallias began to howl. The fire came to life. Azriel had a hunch that a lot of lighter fluid was involved. High school seniors were not known for safely starting bonfires.

Azriel had graduated with Cassian the year before. While Cassian started at the university, Azriel made his part job time at the garage a full time job. He knew cars, he was good with them. School had never really been his thing. He’d gotten okay grades in high school, but nothing ever interested him too much. But, cars? He loved them.

“Never let Kallias be in charge of starting the fire again,” Rhys muttered, hopping up on the truck bed. “I need everyone to make note of that right now.”

Cassian laughed, a lot more than he should’ve. Azriel assumed it had a lot to do with the punch.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” Cassian crooned. “Is tonight the night?”

Rhysand rolled his eyes as Azriel blinked. “The night? The night for what?”

“Cass is convinced she’s going home with me,” Rhys said, shaking his head. “Which would be surprising, considering she hates me.”

Azriel shoved Cassian in the knee with the bottom of his boot. “Don’t be an ass.”

Cassian gave them both his most innocent look. “What?”

“Listen to Az, he’s always been the gentleman of the group.”

Azriel rose up on his elbows to find Mor, along with Amren and a tall, curly black-haired girl, standing at the end of the tailgate.

Mor winked. “I’ve always liked that about you, Az.”

Az couldn’t help the smile that graced his mouth. “At least someone’s on my side.”

Amren’s eyes narrowed, glaring at Cassian’s cup. “How many of those have you had?”

“Oh, Amren,” he chuckled, jumping off the bed and tossing an arm around Amren’s shoulders as his boots hit the dirt. “Walk with me.”

He led her away, a small amused smirk on Amren’s lips as they went to find more punch.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us, Mor?” Rhys asked, nodding toward her date.

“Oh!” Mor said, twirling around and taking the girl’s hand. “This is Carmen. We met at Rita’s a few weeks ago.”

Rhys rose to his feet. “Weeks? And you haven’t told us about her? Damn, Morrigan.”

“Don’t call her Morrigan. She’ll beat your ass,” Azriel muttered, then smiled at Carmen. “Nice to meet you. Ignore him.” He jerked his head in Rhys’ direction.

Carmen laughed as the music began blaring from the speakers in the back of someone’s car.

Mor gasped. “I love this song! Let’s dance. Az, come dance with us.”

“I’ll watch,” he promised.

Mor rolled her eyes but didn’t try and beg him to change his mind.

Rhysand cursed under his breath and Azriel quickly followed his gaze.

But his eyes landed on a girl with brown hair in perfect ringlets and a soft, lavender tee handing off her pale shoulders.

He blinked.

Once.

Twice.

“Who is that?”

“Elain,” Rhysand said, glancing down at where Azriel was lying in the bed. “Feyre’s sister.”

Azriel grunted and nodded, unable to avert his eyes. She was beautiful.

And looking far more excited than her sister.

Feyre looked in their direction, connected eyes with Rhysand, and lifted her cup before downing its contents.

~~~

The house was quiet.

Nesta knocked on the door, anyways.

She waited for a moment, on the dark quiet front porch, before the door swung open.

Her father stood on the welcome mat, eyes wide as he beheld his oldest daughter.

Her clothes were wrinkled, her hair buzzed, her eyes red and puffy.

“Elain said there’s a room for me.”

Isaac nodded, not saying a word.

“I’d like to live in it, if I can. Just for a little while.”

Isaac simply took his daughter’s frail frame into his arms.

After a minute passed and he didn’t let go, Nesta wrapped her arms around him, too.

“Of course,” he whispered, voice hoarse. “Of course.”

~~~

Chapter 4 coming soon.

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[theladyofdeath]

Friday Night Lights {ACOTAR}

Chapter 11

Summary: Inspired by the series Friday Night Lights. In a town that is obsessed with football, a group of teenagers are glorified for what they bring to the field. But what the people of Velaris don’t realize is that there is a lot more to life than football, and it’s not always pretty.

Revolves around Cassian, Nesta, Elain, Lucien, Azriel, Morrigan, Amren, Feyre, and Rhysand.

*Warning: This fic deals with sensitive material.

*Note: A chapter will be posted every Sunday & Wednesday.

Click here for previous chapters.

Author’s Note: SURPRISE CHAPTER!!!! Enjoy. This connects us to the second half of this beauty (and by beauty I mean trash)....!

Cassian watched attentively as Nesta approached him, gesturing to the grand mess surrounding them.

High school students sure didn’t give a shit about making messes. There was trash in every nook and cranny of the gym, and Cassian found himself terrified of going anywhere near the bleachers. The juniors and seniors of Velaris High left the gymnasium without a second thought, his teammates included. And they had left their garbage behind.

Animals. 

“Well,” Cassian sighed, as Nesta stopped in front of him. “Where do we start?”

“Janitor’s closet,” she said, then turned on her heels, expecting him to follow.

“Speaking of,” Cassian said, jogging after her. “Not that I’m complaining, but why were we gifted with the task of cleaning this shit up?”

Nesta shrugged. “I don’t know. I just do what I’m told.”

Cassian should have figured he would get an answer like that, even though he swore they were getting somewhere. She had been less hostile to him over the past week. In their detentions, he often found her watching him, and they even began to make small talk that often turned into something a little bit deeper, each day.

Although, no one would ever know that by the way she was walking two feet ahead of him now.

By the time they reached the janitor’s closet at the end of the hall, the school had emptied. Cassian had a good feeling that they were all out preparing for the big game. He would never grow tired of the homecoming games – looking out at the crowd and seeing their signs, their painted faces, representing their school colors.

It made him feel proud, accomplished. 

Unlike his current assignment. 

Cassian followed Nesta into the closet and let the door shut behind them as he found the light switch. “What do we need?”

“Gloves,” she said, looking around. There was so much junk crammed into the small space, it was hard to locate even the simple things. “Trash bags.”

Cassian didn’t even bother glancing at the shelves for the things she had mentioned. All he could see was her, underneath the dim light in the closet. She wasn’t wearing her typical dress wear, but jeans and a tee-shirt with the school mascot on it: a knight in shining armor.

She turned to look at the opposite shelf, and froze, catching his stare. “What?”

“Can’t I look at you?”

“No. It’s inappropriate,” she said, as if it were obvious.

“You keep saying that,” Cassian said, leaning back against the closed door. “But I don’t understand why. You don’t teach here. You’re an aide. Besides, I’m an adult. And you’re only a year older than me.”

“Mr. Collins would fire me, and I would never be able to teach in this district.”

“Collins is an ass,” was all Cassian said.

Nesta rolled her eyes.

Cassian had decided Headmaster Collins was an ass the same day he decided his son, Tamlin, was also an ass.

“Nesta,” Cassian began, but she shook her head.

“Don’t say my name like that.”

“Like what?” he laughed, humorlessly, irritation beginning to settle.

“Like….” She hesitated, exasperated. “I don’t know! Like it means something more than just my name!”

Cassian shoved his hands in his pockets, and crossed one ankle over the other. He stared at her, at the way she crossed her arms, at the way her forehead wrinkled, at the storm raging in her eyes.

“I’ve tried to come up with a list of reasons not to pursue you,” he said, at last. “You’re difficult. You’re snooty. And to be frank, you’re a pain in the ass.”

“Is this supposed to mean something to me?” she asked, pointedly.

“Yes!” he laughed, shaking his head. “It means that you and I are terrible for each other, and yet, you’re all I can think about. I have tried to get you off my mind, Nesta, and I have tried to forget about you. But you’re like a disease that is spreading throughout my entire body.”

“That’s disgusting,” she said, but there was no longer a bite in her voice.

“Maybe so,” he said, and it was in fact a terrible analogy. “But I don’t care. You can ignore the obvious feelings you have for me, or you can kiss me right now, but either way, I’m never going to sto –“

She fell into him like she was drowning and longing to be saved.

The memory of their lips sweetly brushing against one another’s evaporated as Cassian opened his mouth and her tongue swept inside.

At first his body was rigid from shock, but he quickly relaxed as his hands found her waist and pulled her toward him. She tasted of raspberry and mint, and there was almost a fearful glint in her eye as she pulled back and looked at him. Her eyes were unsure, but her hands clasped to his chest.

She was afraid, and he had a feeling it went far deeper than him being a student, and her an aide.

“We should….um…..we need to clean the gym. Mr. Collins –“ her sentence dropped off. “We need to go.”

“Okay,” Cassian said, but neither of them moved. Then, “Will you come over after the game tonight?”

“Come over?” she asked. “To your house?”

Cassian chuckled. “Yeah. Unless that makes you uncomfortable. Then –“

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay,” he said, too.

They stood like that for another minute before he leaned down, and kissed her softly before they finally found what they needed, and walked back, a little bit closer to one another, toward the gym.

 Alana had Cassian’s number painted on her cheek, thanks to Mor.

She was also wearing a tiny Velaris High Knights cheer uniform.

“You look awesome,” Amren told her, as she walked with the squad toward the field.

The five-year-old could barely contain her excitement. “I know!”

Mor chuckled, tossing her arm around Alana’s shoulders.

She caught a glance of Andromache, who was standing by the fence that surrounded the field, wearing her own Velaris High Knights tee. She gave Mor a smile, and a wave, before heading up to the stands.

Amren cleared her throat, and raised her brows. “Andi?”

Mor tried her best to react accordingly, but she could feel herself blushing. “She’s a friend.”

“Friends don’t look at each other like that,” Amren grinned, giving her a wink. “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

Mor said nothing.

She was grateful, but she felt guilty. Why did it matter? Why did it matter if people knew she liked a girl? Then, her father’s face popped into her mind, and she remembered.

Not everyone was as accepting as Amren, or Azriel.

“Hey,” Amren said, as quietly as she could in the herd of people. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Mor smiled, shaking it off. 

It was going to be a good night. Nothing would ruin her mood.

But then she thought of how Eris was out of jail, and found herself wondering if he would show up to the game for one last showdown.

Azriel’s heart was pounding as he took the field, Cassian by his side. It was the start of the second half, and they were ahead by three. 

He had to admit that Cassian was having one of his best games to date, and Azriel had a hunch it had to do with the scouts that were sitting in the stands.

His grandma was there with Declan, at least they had been there at the start of the game. He hadn’t seen them when he looked in the stands after half time, when they had come out of the locker room. She had probably taken him home. It was after his bedtime, after all.

His eyes drifted to where the cheerleaders stood, their hands on their hips. Elain caught his gaze and gave him a small wave, which Mor caught, and grinned wickedly.

Azriel rolled his eyes, although she couldn’t see it through his facemask, then waved back at Elain.

“Stop flirting,” Cassian mocked, a growl in his tone. “We have a game to win!”

He slapped Azriel on the back of his helmet before running down the field to take his position. Azriel wished his head was further into the game, but it wasn’t. At least, not as it once was. Maybe he had been through too much. Maybe life had finally taken its toll, and a game no longer seemed all that important.

A scholarship would help him after high school, but he could only go to Velaris University. He had to stay close to home. He had to stay at his grandma’s, with Declan, until he could properly, and successfully, support them both.

“Are you okay?” Rhysand asked, coming up behind him. “You look out of it.”

“I’m fine,” he said, then froze.

Because on the sidelines, behind the cheerleaders, was the last person he wanted to see.

“Az?”

He couldn’t hear Rhysand behind him, couldn’t hear the words of concern that demanded a reply. There was a ringing in his ear, an extra layer of sweat that wasn’t there before. He was seeing red as she caught his eye, and flipped her long, blonde hair over her shoulder.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” he asked, but it barely came out a whisper.

“Uh, Az,” Rhysand put his gloved hand beneath his friend’s shaky elbow. “Are you ok –“

“I have to go.”

Azriel was taking off his helmet and sprinting off the field before Rhysand could call after him. He ran by Coach B, not caring that he was causing a scene. He had to get to her. He had to get to Declan. He had to make sure she wouldn’t find him.

She couldn’t find him.

He wouldn’t let her.

Because if Ianthe found Declan, all hell would break lose.

“Is he….leaving?”

“Huh? What?”

Vassa sighed. “If you would have been watching the game – ya know, the thing you’re supposed to be photographing, you would have seen Azriel Draeven run off the field.”

Lucien’s eyes snapped to hers, and narrowed. “Azriel?”

“Oh my gods, Lucien,” Vassa said, exasperated. “Are you even listening to me?”

Something like guilt shone in his russet eyes as Lucien lowered his camera. “I’m sorry. I’m just….distracted.”

Vassa looked from Lucien to Elain, the only cheerleader he had been photographing all night. The only girl he had been talking about all week.

She wanted to grab his shoulders and shake some sense into him. She doesn’t like you. She’s avoided you all week. Hell, so has her sister. JUST GIVE UP.

But instead, Vassa took a step closer to her best friend and said, “Hey. How about we go to the dance tomorrow together? As friends?”

By this point, the crowd was losing their minds. One of Velaris High’s best players had run off the field, with no explanation, if Coach B’s pissed off expression had anything to say about it. And here they were, talking about the dance tomorrow.

Lucien snuck a glance at Elain, and Vassa was sure she wasn’t supposed to notice. He looked back at Vassa and forced a smile. “Sure. That’s fine.”

FINE?! She wanted to shout, suddenly embarrassed. Out of all the things he could have said, he said “that’s fine”. After everything they had been through, Vassa thought she deserved better than “that’s fine”.

She would never say it aloud to him, though. She simply smiled, and gave him an awkward thumbs up as their football team attempted to make sense of the chaos.

Ianthe looked in her review mirror, her ruby red lips in full display.

She didn’t know what she loved so much about seeing her exes squirm, but it made it all worth while. She’d already scared Lucien, and his pretty little plaything, last Friday night at Rita’s.

But Azriel.

Oh, his face was priceless. The color quickly drained from his tanned features, and she could see how his eyes widened through his mask from the sidelines.

She had to admit – she was curious. She was curious about what her baby looked like after all those months, if Azriel had even kept the kid. She didn’t want to deal with the adoption agency, didn’t care to know how all that mess worked.

So, she had dropped him off at his father’s house, and left without another word, fleeing south only a month later, after a short fling with Vanserra.

She was only eighteen. She wasn’t ready to be a mother yet. She had a life to live.

And oh, she had lived in the last few months.

But the curiosity….

She wouldn’t mind checking up on little Declan. Azriel’s father’s house was empty, though. She had already stopped by earlier in the week.

And judging by Azriel’s expression when he saw her from the field, he didn’t want her to know where he was now.

She would find out, though.

She always found out.