#I just am back at a point that I periodically cycle thru

[ofmdee]

i finished another ofmd diamond painting!

under the cut because there is some rambling 😂

i wasn't super crazy about this one as i was working on it, i felt like stede's hand looked weird, there was too much shadow etc, but once again, the finished product impresses me 😂

used a cropped screenshot as reference:

i'm gonna make an actual pretty post once i get it framed, but i wanted to share a while.

i'm gonna be honest, tho, i think my diamond painting Frenzy is waning, and it's bumming me tf out!!!! i feel like i go thru this constant cycle of nothing interests me, nothing nothing nothing, OH found something fun?? 👀 lets do it CONSTANTLY because it feels good to have fun, it's so much more preferable than the hollow feelings, the anxious feelings, the 'what is the point?' feelings etc, but i inevitably exhaust all the fun that can be had much too quickly, because i don't know how to do it in moderation!!! because i Crave the good feelings and it hurts so much when the thing no longer sparks the kind of intense focus and interest.

and i KNOW i hyperfocus on things to the point of it being detrimental to other things, but that's when i feel.... happiest, i think? when i have something that my brain is so latched onto that it's all i can think about to the point where i start to think hey.... maybe i could be happy one day? and then there is the inevitable crash because i burned out and lost interest

(i live in a terrible fear of this happening to my interest in ofmd one day 💀 and i worry about not having anything to fall back on if that does happen)

anyway, idk what the solution to that is, and im not sure what i'm even talking about anymore, lol, but yeah. it's frustrating!

i'm still gonna work on diamond projects, tho, because i do like the end result. here is my next project:

🤭

no idea how i'm gonna explain this one to my parents, lol, theyre always so interested in what i'm working on but they have No Idea that sim ed and stede exist 😂

oh, it's sunday, isn't it? and i should be getting my period soon, maybe this is why it feels so Intense today.

my gf will be here next month tho so i am holding out for that, when i actually feel like a person who could end up happy. i want our lives together to start, somehow, but there are so many variables and obstacles to that, just..... idk. i want my beloved with me more than a few times a year 😔

anyway, idk, sometimes i just like using tumblr like it's an Actual Blog, lol, it's easier to make things make sense on here rather than twitter.

anyway if u read this, thank u, i appreciate u, and i am including two gifs i don't think i ever shared here in thanks 🥰

these were from the beginning of the year, and part of a spicy set 😏🔞

okay. i think im done lmfao ✌

[redpiperfox]

red it is i

🎱🛼🍄🪐🔪🌿!

ELLO ELLO ELLO! :D

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats

On this lovely last Friday in May~

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

...I am constantly working on multiple projects at the same time lol SO I will give you five emojis for five wips I'm cycling thru!:

🐺❄️💨🏡💭

🥻💃🌩🤵‍♂️🏰

🕷🦸‍♀️🕸🤒🦹‍♀️

👶👧👦🌽👾

👗🥻📸🎀🖌

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Ooooooh I dunno if you want me to do this one 😅 Some friends can tell you-- my skzitzy headcanons go WILD lololol

Okay um... ah! Chan had mentioned previously how he's close to Yeji because she asks him about a lot of "leader" stuff, and Yeji mentions (and models lol) how if she isn't really good at something or has no interest in it, she's really not good at it, and she had no initial interest in the Itzy plan to be leader. So I headcanon that between Chaeryeong shouldering a lot of official leader things (canon: she would have been leader if she wasn't on the maknae end, and she's been the first to go do solo PR for the group), Chan has literally given Yeji a Do What I Do policy, and Yeji has done that (there's a lot of little ways in which she relates to fans and tries to approach things that are very Chan-like, and I say that because Chan does things in a very atypical way to kpop XD)

....I'll stop with that one haha

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

Only three!!!!!

1. I have gotten time to write and paint post graduation!

2. I have a scheduled date for license exam and have been able to study pretty diligently, which is unexpected bc I really thought it would be harder post graduating to get back into the books haha

3. All the animals outside our house have been so funny haha they're endless amusement to me, they're absolutely sitcom material lol

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

.... I shoudn't answer-- OKAY WELL the LEAST weird thing is when I watched coleydoesthings' mini research vid on a/b/o history and stuff? Only... I don't really usually write a/b/o... 😅

I've looked up the usual-- murdee things, random chemical irregularities, space physics, kpop idol bdays to make sure I'm keeping everyone in approximate age-order, kpop names bc I only know them by stage name, niche interviews, drowning scenes, torture scenes.. I have a couple of my fav angsty movie clips and/or kpop moments that'll get me in a very niche mood I sometimes need to write? Idk if that counts XD

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

EMBRACE IT! And try to see what it's there for? Sometimes, it's a period of consuming media, and doing "fic research" in enjoying storytelling styles and methods you wouldn't have considered in your muse-inspired hazes. Sometimes, it's a good handbrake your brain has to keep from being burnt out by your hobby! But sometimes, if it is a thing that really isn't being shaken off and you'd like it to be-- challenge yourself. Write even when it's uncomfortable. Have a dump AU that's nonsensical and crude and serves only to work the muscle again. Ask other people for random tags and ideas to give your brain something new to work with. If bullet pointed ideas are all you can do, do that! Just keep writing, and somewhere the writing muscle will remember how to do it's thing, or grow into something stronger, and the muse will be working through you again 😊

[borderline-gays-club]

12/17/23 12:16 AM

I feel like I'm always playing catch up. And this has been an ongoing problem for a very very long time. At least since highschool. possibly before. And I now know its because of all my fun mental problems that work together to make my life a chaotic mess (less so now). But now I'm in a place where Im asking myself: how do I just exist without feeling like I need to get everything done right now. Like i cant fucking relax. And the problem is that there is some level of reasoning to it, but at the same time I need to find a balance, cus either way working crazy all the time is just gonna burn me out and cause me more problems in the long run. I have gone through so many periods in my life where I'm severely depressed and incapacitated and then hypo mania kicks in and I can do everything. So in the time periods of mania I would "make up" for all the time I lost and it was a vicious cycle. Even though my bipolar symptoms are currently managed with medication, I look back the past 10 years or so and I'm like wow. I lost a lot of myself bc of my BPD. and I guess thats where alll my current urgency is coming from. BPD took a lot away from me. Time that I can never get back. And I can't say I regret it, because with the tools I had back then, it just wouldn't have been possible to have made different choices. I will say, with every step of this journey in my life, I really have always been trying. Even at my worst I was trying to find ways to not be so miserable. I really wouldn't give up. Its in these moments of reflection that I can really say that my will to live has actually been very strong this whole time. Even when i wanted to die. I still tried. The times that i basically gave up on myself was when my miserableness was being blanketed by obsession/FP shit. That was the perfect way to completely lose hold of myself and dedicate every fiber of my being to that other person. and it would feel euphoric and would get me out of depression. Its terrible. literal addiction shit. These are the times that I mourn because it really does feel like regression. And as much as i dont want to treat myself like a project that must always get better over time, it really just feels tragic how much of my 20s I've lost to losing myself in other people. But this is all time i cannot get back. There is no point in regret. And also, I cant regret decisions I couldn't really make. A lot of this lost time is really due to lack of care that I needed. From my parents, from doctors. I was simply emotionally and medically neglected, and I did my best with what I did have. All I can do now is to strive to live in my truth. but first i must figure out what my truths are. Because I still don't really know what self means. Im figuring it out tho. *last note: mayb i just need to view time differently. I'm viewing it as a linear thing, but I know that time is not really linear. Life is certainly not linear. I think I still view my value with what I do and what I create. This is something I'm working through. I think the question is also: Who am i if I did not make things? Where would I place my self worth without being able to make things? theres always a lot to work thru.

[khodorkovskaya]

Like, those things all meant something to you too! That's a v important thing to you and in a relationship. People are meant to be supportive of each other, like, why couldnt he chear you on or show enthusiasm and encouragement towards you

yeah! and he never did! about anything!

idk if it's bc my period is coming up or bc i spent the night at my parents' place yesterday and that brought back old memories, but i thought about him again last night and cried. more specifically i remembered how i caught him watching porn... and it really broke my heart and still does.

i don't remember if i told this story here before but i'll tell it again bc it's such a clear example of what kind of behaviour to avoid in men.

so in my second year of uni i got really depressed. there was covid, i didn't see the point of studying anymore, i hated everything and our relationship was also going nowhere. im not gonna get into the details of it, but the important thing to know is that i was depressed. i lost weight, would burst out crying out of nowhere, i was a mess.

and when you're depressed, well, you have no libido. it felt like everything was frozen down there. i couldn't get my coochie to cooperate. and, as my ex never made any particular effort to console me or provide me with the least amount of care and compassion a depressed person could need, i didn't feel particularly motivated to sleep with him either.

and just as a side note, i talked about my depression a lot. my parents really helped me thru it and i started going to therapy so that it wouldn't get worse, i really tried my best to let it be known that i was depressed and that i needed help. and when it came to the sex stuff, i would also explain it to my ex, so that he wouldn't feel undesired. i even made a list of things that turn me on for him in at attempt to make things easier for him. (he didn't care at all about the list btw. bc things that turn me on aren't sexual enough i guess. it was mostly things like cuddling, having deep conversations, looking into each others eyes, romantic gestures, etc. it was too boring for him i guess.)

so anyway, time goes by and our sex life gets more and more frustrating. bear in mind he had previously told me on several occasions that in his mind cheating and not telling your partner about can be justified. he'd sometimes bring up things like "when couples get older, they usually don't have sexual chemistry anymore and the dad goes after the young secretary, you know what i mean hahaha? that's probably gonna be us one day hahahahaha". and coming from a family where the dad did leave the family for a younger woman, that really stood out to me. so even if he meant it as a joke, it was not funny to me at the slightest.

and so here i am, feeling sexually useless, my boyfriend telling me that im not trying hard enough and that he feels offended that i don't find him desirable anymore (even though i had told him a million times that that wasn't the issue) and then it hits me like shit.... here we go... he's gonna cheat on me just like he said. i can't provide him with what he needs, so he's gonna go find someone else.....

so every time we had sex it felt like it was some kind of exam i had to pass to keep him. i became overly conscious about what i did and how i acted in bed, i started feeling fat and started hating my body, it was horrible. and naturally, the sex became even worse. and so he became more and more pushy. and it became this vicious cycle.

bear in mind that as i said, i had made that list of things that turn me on. and plus i would also tell him that i felt like going on a date could maybe make things a bit better. we could spend some quality time together, have deep conversations, eat something nice and the romance could turn me on, it would be a win-win. but he never took me out on a date, not once 🙃

so the whole thing started in like april 2020 and it was reaaaally bad in winter 2021. and now it was setember 2021 and still no date, constant reminders of how im not good enough from his end every time we have sex and frustration upon frustration upon frustration.

summer is coming to an end and he's like "ohh we haven't gone hiking this year, let's go hiking, that could be your date". and im like shit, i don't like hiking. but he pushes me to do it. (and to be fair it was quite fun, but the point is he organised the camping trip for himself and not to please me.) so we're in the car, on our way to the mountains. i open his phone to look up google maps and... there's porn. gangbang porn. my whole world starts to crumble.

of course i cant live upto his expectations in the bedroom! im up against porn actresses! women who do this for a living! it's like comparing a regular person to a supermodel, like you can't compete with that. here i am, a regular girl without any spicy sexual fantasies, low self esteem and depression. my boyfriend prefers watching violent porn to making love to me and the only way to get him back is... to be better than porn actresses...? it's a lost cause, isn't it?

so im there like fuckkkk and he starts nervously laughing like "oopsie, you caught me ahaha". and i have two options: either A, confront him about it or B, suck it up and postpone the conversation until the end of the hike. and we're already at the mountains at this point. confronting him would mean making a uturn and ruining the "date" i was begging him for months for. maybe this hike could be my chance to get him back? he loves hiking, so if i show interest in hiking, maybe he would love me and be more compassionate with me! so i choose option B.

after walking for two days straight, the hike is finally over and we get home. im exhausted, my legs hurt like hell. as we lie in bed, he wants to have sex with me. i say "not now, im sooo tired", hoping that he will understand. we just came back from a two day hike! he will undestand, right? but of course he doesn't and he gets angry at me again. "this is why i watch porn," he says. and i want to die.

so i tell myself, i will do anything for him. i will prove to him that i can do it, that im capable!

(ive always had a deep fear of making the first move and initiating sex. what if he thinks that im a slut? what if i do something wrong and he will think it's weird?)

and so, despite my fears, i decide to sacrifice it all for him. my legs are in pain, my heart is pounding in my ears because im terrified, i feel like this is my last chance to get him to like me. so i roll over and start kissing him. the adrenaline is crazy, i feel like it's life or death. im holding back tears, as im thinking about the women in the porn videos he watches.

and my worst fear comes true.

he just lies there.

he doesn't kiss me back, he doesn't put his arms around me. he just lies there.

and im like fuck. here we go. im weird. im ugly. im useless. he's already made up his mind. fuck, maybe i deserve to be cheated on, im so worthless. it literally feels like my whole existence is falling apart. im devastated.

so i pull back from the kiss and ask him if he's okay. and he says "you see now? this is how i feel". he basically decided to punish me for saying no to sex earlier.

so yeah... it really broke my heart... and i don't know when it will heal. because i still think about it sometimes and it makes me cry.

and it really sucks because this whole thing could've been avoided if back in 2020 when my depression had just began, he'd just said "hey babe, you're not in the mood? that's okay! we can just cuddle and watch a movie if you want. im always here for you no matter what. we'll figure things out together, don't worry about it, okay? i love you!". that alone would've made me want to have sex with him. maybe if he had said that, my depression wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. i wouldn't have had the body issues and the self esteem issues and a broken heart... but it turned out his penis was more important than all of that.

[icarussometimes]

alright i’ll bite. what are your (wrong and incorrect <3) batfam hair headcanons

uhhh okso. goddamn this is gonna be long, here is a cut for your health and safety <3

bruces hair has been 100% the same 100% of his life. maybe he had it like a little longer for like a year when he was 20 but that was IT. back to default right afterwards. hes like the settings ur videogame character is on when u open up customization

dick is fortunately a bit more interesting. he had the cute floppy little boy haircut until he was in like his mid teens and then he was like imma grow it out and he did. by the time discowing era rolled around it was LONG long, and he did in fact have a short but traumatic (mainly to bruce, poor man) period with a mullet. post-discowing he figured out what to do with it and settled into a style around shoulder length with lotsa layers so it does that 80s shag surfer rockstar thing. he was later a firm supporter of the covid era shag/wolf cut revival. looks fucking stunning, no doubt he is the supermodel of the fam. chefs kiss

jasons hair is curly (!! i am very particular about this! he has curls) and was pretty short before he met bruce, for easy keeping, and that obviously all the same length sorta look where u can tell it was buzzed at some point. when he’s robin obviously hes got the heart bangs and is just adorable all around. the one thing ur right about is that it gets long when he’s in zombie mode and they shave it in the league. i think in his red hood era he learns to cut his own hair and experiments with lotsa fun stuff like punk hairstyles and shaved sides and at one point a little mini mullet which he somehow pulls off. once or twice he probably bleaches the not-white-streak parts of his hair to try to make it blend in, and goes thru all the weird growing out stages after that. its an all around fun time, and he pulls off way more weird hairstyles than he has any right to tbh

tims hair is very very straight and for most of his childhood and early teen years its in a pretty basic short sides long top sorta cut, low maintenance and fine-looking. he dyes it blue once when hes like 14 and that’s the only time he ever does anything intentional and interesting with his hair, because to him it’s pretty much just a chore. when all the red hood shit starts going down theres a period where he goes full what-is-self-care mode for, like, many months and thus his hair grows out enough for like a tiny scruffy ponytail. its like very badly taken care of tho bc my boy doesnt have TIME to shower, bruce, youre not my REAL dad. once jason and damian both mostly stop trying to murder him on sight, he starts taking care of his hair, but i firmly believe that (for a while at least) he decides not to cut it. YES long haired tim. fight me. i think it’s almost always up, in various buns and braids, and dami and the girls (steph and cass, i mean) really love it which tim finds utterly baffling. but my boy needs to be loved more. cass calls his hair beautiful and he turns into a puddle of goo and doesnt stand up for like 2 days

dami keeps his hair short (not buzzed, but short) while in the league, and when he moves to gotham there’s a period of a couple months where he decides to try to be mini bruce. but bruces hair is kinda hard to recreate and looks a bit silly on him, and also every single one of his family members wont stop MUSSING IT so eventually he gives up and learns to tolerate his normal (if spiky) tweenage hair.

steph is our token blonde but we love her. i think she was one of those girls who decided at like 9 that she wanted to grow her hair out REALLY long, and was like moderately successful at it to the chagrin of most adults in her life (because long hair is SO HIGH MAINTENANCE). not long before her tenure as robin she gets sick of it and chops it to like,,,, idk, armpit length? yeeah. and later in her teens she has a whole cycle (or two) of bangs, she flipflops like weekly on whether she likes the way bangs look on her or not. she usually does them herself, and (everyone but her knows) she rocks them every time

cass i think had longer hair when she was doing the assassin gig, mainly ao it could be tied back, but as soon as she had more agency she went “nope” and chopped it to her normal short bob and has kept it that way ever since.

the one other thing u were right about i think is that duke has had the same hair his entire life, that just sounds correct lmao

anyways thats it, totally open to debating with you but just know that i am correct <3

[curiosity-killed]

//

[skin-slave]

So, basically, pt is discharging me in a couple weeks. I'm to the point where my deficits just kinda are what they are. We're gonna use the time to try and improve my balance, but it doesn't look great, partly bc my foot is kinda turned out. Hold on. Baby sloth time.

Ok. So. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that this is it. I'm walking with a cane (without if I'm indoors where it's level and not too sore) and compensating with my good leg so I can take stairs. And I'll prob be able to drive again, which is awesome. But

But no hiking, no long walks, no sprinting. I'll have to rest if I go to museums and stuff. And I'll prob have pain forever. Which I can handle. It's not like it's as bad as when I broke it. But some days I can barely walk on it. And I guess I figured that would subside as I went thru pt.

It seems unreal. All I did was fall. Ppl fall all the time. I've fallen like a billion times, and got back up and had a bruised ass or whatever. It doesn't make sense that everything's changed. I don't want it to be like this. I wanna go back to how I was before. Which feels gross and selfish to think, bc it could be so much worse, and other ppl have way less mobility and do just fine.

I guess when they said I might get to 60%, which is where I am now, I figured I might have a limp or something. Maybe I'd get sore when it rains, or I'd take the elevator if there was more than a flight of stairs. My picture in my mind was much closer to my normal. Definitely not, "here's the cane you'll need for the entire second half of your life. Hope you like a constant ache and periods where you can barely put weight on it."

That's kinda where I am rn. Cycling pretty quickly between *kinda ok, looking at alt/younger disabled ppl to feel good about my cane, inventorying the stuff I can do* and *total crash, why is this happening to me, what am I doing that's sabotaging me*. I'm around. I do wanna talk. I'm not ignoring. But if I take a min to get back to you, it's bc I'm having a pity party. Gimme a sec and I'll be back.

I've run out of space for sloth pics so 🦥

[phoebehalliwell]

hi! do you have any headcanons abt henry jr. particularly as the only nonmagical member of the fam?

i most definitely do!! okay, so for starters, both kat & tam were raised “without magic”; they still went to magic school and paige definitely used magic around the house but they had no active powers, just like henry. and they were all raised on these grand stories their mom would tell of these amazing adventures of the charmed ones and how they were all going to have these great adventures of their own what i’m getting at was for like the first six or seven years of his life henry thought he was magical. it wasn’t until all three of the mitchell kids were with piper and piper was explaining certain elements of her power to the twins and telling them how to use it once their powers get unbound and all that and henry was like what about me what will my power do? and piper’s like you have the most special power of all because you’re really smart & good at learning : ) and then like immediately texted paige like honey you need to explain to henry he isn’t magical bc the longer you wait the harder it’s gonna get. 

it’s actually henry sr. who sits his son down and explains to him that he’s not like his sister or his mother, but how that’s not necessarily a bad thing. he’s mortal, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help people and do great things without magic. and henry sr. really tries to sell him on this whole idea of being a mortal, especially one that knows about magic, gives you a completely new viewpoint on the world, and allows you to see and understanding things in ways no one else will. (and uhh between you & me it doesn’t really convince baby henry that much but the fact that his dad takes him on fun little “mortals only” adventures helps)

uhh that being said henry still really Really wishes he was magical. uhh enter the reading phase. so, for starters, henry was already like smart and really good at / enjoyed reading. but in this sorta late elementary school thru middle school period he develops sorta two obsessions: 1) ya (specifically fantasy) novels. because all of these novels sorta follow the same basic rules of the plain protagonist becoming something great, being whisked away to this great world where they find out they have magic, where they find out they have this amazing destiny to fulfill, the nobody to somebody progression. and uhh henry really craves that. he really wishes that he is somehow magic, in some overlooked way, in some way that will manifest and prove him to be great enough to be a significant part of the charmed line, not some mortal afterthought. and then 2) magical texts/histories. and this is sorta the more shameful/secretive ones, the books he reads under the covers with a flashlight bc he just doesn’t want anyone to know that he spends hours scouring texts and stories of the charmed ones and various magical creatures desperately trying to find something he could be. no one knew who his biological parents were, it could be possible that somehow magical blood runs through his veins. he studies telekinesis and then and midnight hops out of his bed and spends an hour trying to knock a book off his shelf. he reads about orbing and it’s mechanics and tries to move himself across the room. his studies different creatures, and tests how high he can jump, how fast he can run, how long he can hold his breath underwater, trying to find some trait of him that could somehow be significant. (and of course, he keeps all of these trials secret to the best of his ability bc he would be embarrassed as all hell if it ever came out)

eventually, his studies of magical texts become less of a desperate search for something in his bloodline to more a flex on other witches. bc yeah, they might have magic, but he can still hold his head high knowing he will know more than they ever will. when tam & kat get their powers unbound and their practice moves from the hypothetical to the practical, henry still goes with his sisters to magic school, but instead of spending time in the classroom, he chooses to spend his time in the library.

he also loves studying the book of shadows. yeah, the library has loads more information on its walls then the book could ever contain, but the book has heart. it has this undeniable spirit and energy that ties to countless generations of the warren line, and he really likes to run his hands over the pages and pretend he’s really a part of the warren line (which his family is always ready to fight him on this and say he is a part of the line and blood doesn’t matter, but he’s just like come on guys. you’re my family and i love you but the warren line is a line of witches and i am undeniably not a part of that. but he still likes to imagine).

and y’know like henry’s like twelve or thirteen or something but he really has a lot of information and an insanely through knowledge of book and he’s just like flipping through it or minding his own business in the attic when wyatt (who at this point would be seventeen or eighteen) orbs in looking to id the demon he’s currently after and henry’s like oh you know like what’s it like and he really you know doesn’t want to be an asshole about it or imply he knows more than wyatt (though if you’re outside the family and questioned this kids intelligence he’s demolish you) henry really tries to pass it off as a casual curiosity/polite conversation. and wyatt’s like well im looking for this one demon with like x, y, & z and henry’s like have you thought about this demon? and he’s definitely right and wyatt can tell how much this w means for henry and really starts this sorta tradition of trying to incorporate henry into the research phase of demon fighting (which henry absolutely loves)

and it’s sorta like this self-feeding cycle he gets this role bc he knows a lot but he feels like because he has this role he has to know even more so if you feel like he was a voracious reader before,,,, whew boy are you not ready for now ( in my canon henry Can read latin). and i feel like he’s really close with wyatt bc wyatt is Also A Nerd and genuinely loves to hear henry ramble about this cool new thing that he learned and i feel like wyatt’s totally game to go get boba with henry and hear about all these things the kids been learning i feel like these two have a really close bond. 

and while i’m on the subject of relationships, i feel like henry was definitely one of those kids who had more girl friends than he did guy friends bc a lot of his formative years were spent with his sisters who in turn spent a lot of time with melinda and pj as all four of of those girls were born in 07. so like you know henry would do movie nights with mellie, tam, kat, pj, & parker (and then peyton when she was old enough to watch movies without getting nightmares)

and you know right now he’s like seventeen and a senior in high school and i feel like he’s pretty settled into who he is. he and his dad definitely still to their little “mortals only” adventures, and like a part of him will always sorta be bummed that he isn’t magical, but he’s come to terms with who he is. and he’s not gonna let the fact that he is a mortal you know like hold him back or diminish him, because he is a part of the charmed legacy and the warren line, and he is carving out his own role for himself. and everyone else in the family definitely recognizes him as capable and yeah sometimes he does get left behind bc it’s objectively too dangerous to bring a mortal along and he’s gotten pretty good at being okay with that (or telling himself he’s okay with that). he knows who he is and who he is is undeniably self made. he didn’t coast by on some unearned, hand-me-down skill, and he wears that fact with pride. he may be mortal, but he doesn’t let anyone look down on him for it.

[bisexualryder]

10 Questions

Tagged by @daydreamingdragonage​ to answer these questions - thanks! c:

Someone you admire?

@fivetail​! They are an amazing and wonderful human being that I’m glad I can call friend. Five’s positive, reassuring, always willing to help others and talented as fuck to boot.

Favorite time period in history to read/learn about?

I’m not sure, tbh. Sort of depends on my mood? And where I am in my life, I guess. I’ve gone thru cycles of what I enjoy, y’know? Ancient civilizations have always fascinated me, though, probably a bit more than any other period, at least.

Favorite video game?

That’s a tough one. Different games hold different meanings for me for various reasons. At the moment I guess Warframe? But if I had to pick - regardless of anything else - I think I’d have to go with the whole Mass Effect trilogy. As much as I love Dragon Age, Warframe, and various other games, something about Mass Effect feels like home when I play it.

What do you think your Dnd alignment is?

Chaotic Neutral

If you became undead, what kind of undead person would you want to be (ex: vampire, zombie, ghost, skeleton, etc.)?

Vampire! I don’t really have this deep, insightful reasoning as to why - it’s literally just the most appealing of an undead option for me, lol.

Is there a quote that particularly resonates with you?

“Do no harm, but take no shit.” which google tells me is from Spellbook of the Lost and Found by Moïra Fowley-Doyle. I used to be a doormat when I was younger, so when I first heard this quote (I don’t even remember where or when), it’s really stuck with me. And while I still struggle with the whole doormat thing, this little reminder in the back of my head has helped a lot.

Do you prefer lakes, rivers, or oceans? Forest, plains, or mountains?

Lakes, I think. And then it’s a toss up between forests or mountains.

What is one fantasy place you would love to visit?

Hmmm, probably Lothlórien. I’d love to visit a place that seems so peaceful and beautiful like that. It’s actually also an area in LotRO that I used to go to when I wanted to chill and unwind and I have good memories surrounding that, which probably contributes.

Favorite fairytale?

Uhhh, tbh I don’t really know at this point in my life. When I was very young, though, I’m told my absolute favorite movie of all time was The Little Mermaid... so let’s go with that.

How would you describe your sense of humor?

Dry wit and sarcasm, as my friends love to remind me, lol.

I dunno who to tag or what questions to ask so... if you wanna do this, consider yourself tagged with the same questions c:

[ghoulstars]

i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day

shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is: shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes ?????????? who fucking knows

heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks

and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????

i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.

and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left

then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD

the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”

we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose

but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism

and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol

[understandingthevoices]

signs to look out for to identify a narcissist?

first off, the really goodlooking guy who stares at a mirror all day, licks his lips, is obsessed with status and working out and prestige - the ruling idea of a narcissist in society, essentially - isnt really the one you have to look out for

more or less they’re harmless and just wanna be cool and perfect and awesome in society’s eyes  

the real one is much more manipulative, much more dangerous, much more covert

so what are the real signs?

1. lovebombing - if you get that “soulmate” feeling within the first couple of dates, it’s all manufactured bs, i promise you that -- all carefully constructed to make you feel special, to put you on a pedestal -- the higher he puts you the lower you fall (AND OH MY GOD mirroring - watch out for this; if he starts to pick up the way you talk or just blatantly repeat what you say, you might think you’re connecting and “he just gets you” nOPE its just another tactic)

2. he’ll want to talk to you all the time, spent a lot of time with you, more than you’re comfortable with - he’ll move wayyyy too fast, talking about the future, etc etc - he just wants to identify your weaknesses, past issues, traumas and file them away for later: he’ll still be “perfect” at this point

3. he’ll hijack your day - no matter what, he’ll bombard you with multiple texts, notifications, likes/comments, ANYTHING to trick you into believing youre the center of his world -- he’ll get really close with your close friends, even if he doesn’t know them. he needs more info on you and he needs to make sure he covers his bases once you start doubting his intentions by also ingratiating himself with your close circle 

4. the sex - if you dig deep you’ll realize theres no soul there, and if you stare into his eyes they’ll be empty, soulless... he won’t be able to hold eye contact for a long period of time either; there will probably be very little affection and romance; you’ll feel used, and this can be hard to admit to yourself 

5. red flags - he’ll talk about other women, irritate you just to see how you react, start pushing boundaries to see how far he can go, gaslight you “just for fun”, say a lot of fcked up things only to say he’s kidding right after ... basically just testing to see if you are gonna stop him in his tracks or let him walk all over you

6. and finally, if you ever, at any point, start to ask yourself - what am i doing that’s making him treat me so badly, GET OUT. if you don’t feel good after seeing them, it’s because theyre neglecting you in some way - dont ever let a man do that, especially when you’ve already voiced your concerns and he ignored them

seriously, if you see these signs - RUN AND DONT EVER LOOK BACK

it will only get worse even when you run, he’ll try to stop you and control you - DON’T LET HIM

just remember, none of it is real, none of it was ever real - they were using you to feed their ego and get attention, that’s it

they don’t care about you - and you’ll know it, because when you leave (for good) they’ll soon have another narcissistic supply... and go thru that exact same cycle 

their emotional wiring is screwed up; they dont have the capacity to love they just can’t connect in the way normal humans can

there’s no real bond... they’re too scared to show you who they really are... there was always a mask they were hiding behind... there;s just no solid foundation to build on...

when they want to hook you everything seems perfect but sooner or later the mask begins to crack and their real self begins to peek thru 

their destructive apathetic self, that doesnt care about you and your feelings/needs - the one that wants you to serve them without reciprocity - the one that wont compromise for your happiness

and you stay for a while, because youve already invested so much emotionally... but then things get crazier and you cant stand it any more

at this point they know their time is almost up

and once you show the actual signs of leaving they start lining up a replacement supply;

thats their game

they’ve played it before and they play it every day

theyre con men - dont ever think they’ll be honest and upstanding with you .  they won’t 

[ohleander]

12.6

Today's round of self-therapy feels very intense. I'm back again wishing I already had therapy sessions in place. I'm afraid of going thru the process of finding a therapist that's right for me. I struggle feeling like the folks who live in this biblical area of wake forest wouldn't understand me in the way I need. I suppose I need to at least try, but the work feels like too much sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it to put myself through the process of finding someone to trust. I also know that I don't feel like I'm worth it. I know that I am, logistically, but I'm finding that my "worthlessness" is a deeeep rooted assumption that's permeated into a lot of different areas of thought. Today I really want to feel okay, but I just don't and I'm slowly and not easily learning that that's okay too.

Another thing I've been struggling with lately is feeling like I give way more than I receive with those that I love. And I don't know how to not give. I'm seen as the strong person, someone who always needs to hold it up for others because I AM strong and I really can hold it together, but over time it adds up to my detriment. I'm learning to give to myself as well, but its also hard. I really wish someone would see me for the person that I am and not for what I can provide for them. I want to feel like I'm living, not like I'm constantly serving. At this point in time, I'm not sure what necessary and realistic steps I can take to change these things. I feel very stuck in the motions of this machine I've created for myself. But I feel like I've got to gear up to try, anyway.

I go through periods of feeling content with the way I've set my life up and the decisions I've made to get here but today in particular I am feeling a lot of regret over quitting my original dream of being an artist through and through. So often I suddenly find myself looking at my life and it feels like all the decisions I've made to date have just been me picking the seemingly best or most responsible (probably the easiest for everyone) decision at the time. My people pleasing tendencies have gotten me to where I am now for the most part. Self preservation as well, but mostly it feels like I make people-pleasing choices for myself. Ones where everyone's happy.. and often at the time I think I'm happy but today (as well as other days in this vicious cycle) I don't feel so happy with what I've chosen or how things have panned out. The person I have to be in this cycle of trying to support my family is not a bad person and I love them, but its so very different from the person I am when just left to my own devices. I'd love to be more of that person. I just want to be somewhere where I don't have to act so much, I want to be somewhere where I am also taken care of. So many people need me for emotional support in a friendship and I love doing it, really, but it does add up. I am tired and angry and deeply sad. Feeling left alone in the corner when I cant provide.

I've been looking at my inner child and seeing all the ways I was never allowed or given the space to work through negative feelings. This wasn't my parents fault per say. I believe they were doing their very best and they were both traumatized by life events too. It still doesn't change the fact that I'm dealing with the inability to process my anger and sadness. I was never given a safe space to learn. I was always secondary, if not in real life, but in emotion. Even now, those feelings flare up when my family at home only ever want to talk about themselves or whats on their mind. They never ask me how I'm doing or what I think. I don't think they realize they're not providing the emotional support that I need and I also still don't know how to ask. Its a painful turmoil to be in this spot and I'm feeling paralyzed to change it. As a child, it was always a lot to ask for emotional space. My dad would always get defensive and blow up in some way and I would end up comforting him instead. As much as I long to be close to other people, this has really affected me in a way where I only know how to deal with negative emotions by being absolutely alone and not needed for a while. Thats the key.. I'd really love to not be needed by anyone for anything. I want people to see me and WANT to support me. I often also immediately think "well whats so good about me that I deserve that without question?" and my logical brain tells me "you're already worthy of that without question" but I've not felt that yet. Especially today. Today's a day where I'm feeling especially unworthy of being alive, although I know its not true. Its tough when I feel so much love for life, for laying outside and experiencing the breeze and leaves and nature and the peace of the sunshine, and yet I don't feel worthy of being awake in this world. It feels weak to say, even though its a basic need, but I long for someone to support me and help me feel worthy. Right now I have an inability to give myself the permission and love that I need. Its a block im trying to work through. I want so badly to give myself the self love and validation that I need so deeply, but at the same time, I am DAMN TIRED of being the one to give everything. I want someone to see me and help me. Because I cant see others and not help them.. I want someone to see me the way I see them. I need reciprocity. I also need to learn to see and recognize it when its there.

Again, I keep piling responsibilities onto myself. All the work I need to do to "deserve" the gifts.. but I do believe I already deserve the gifts.. I reckon I just want to be in a spot where I can accept them without question. Where I can feel confident in taking what good things are offered.

Sometimes it feels like I know too much about whats going on and at the same time, I also don't know enough to make things work right. But I suppose the fact that I'm alive and breathing means that its working right and that I'm valid. Even when it doesn't feel that way. Even when things don't feel the way I want them to feel. I don't want to lose faith and I get so tired at the same time, I'd love to just be done. Though deep down I know that's not true at all. What I want is to be seen and supported. I barely feel seen for who I actually am because I have been forced to mask so hard in life. Its such a deep struggle.

Also I am trying to get away from the urge to tell my "friends" these things. Often I look for support by trying to talk to them, but rarely do I get the acceptance and support that I'm actually looking for. I tell them I appreciate them for even giving me the time of day to listen but since I feel so deeply that they don't really know me, their advice and words feel off-target.

All at the same, time, I refuse to feel guilty for any of these feelings. Its a struggle and an active thought, but I am teaching myself to not feel guilt or shame over these things I feel. I will not feel bad for needing someone to see me and support me in the way I need. I WILL NOT feel bad for not yet knowing how to tell or show others what I need. I have never been given the proper space to exercise this. I also will NOT feel bad for not being able to be the person someone needs at the time. I wont feel bad for not being 'happy' in the presence of others. I wont feel bad for not being able to be other people's strength. They need me but I also need too.

In my mind, asking for anything is selfish. For one, I've always had everything I've needed... a home, food, material things. Its no substitute for emotional connection and trust. Trust and vulnerability are what I deeply need right now. I need someone to hold me while I practice vulnerability and that kind of relationship is not present in my life yet.. or not so I can see it.

I refuse to feel guilty for needing anything. I refuse to feel bad learning to ask for support without strings. Always I feel like I need to offer a trade to get support. I want support without question. I want someone to want to support me. I sincerely get joy out of uplifting others but that runs out eventually when Its not reciprocated in the way I need. Luckily I'm learning to give myself the space to learn what I need. I've people pleased so much over my life, right now I have no idea what I really need or how to learn to ask. I'm guessing what I need.. I have needs that feel right, but they feel foreign.

I just want to feel comfortable. I want to feel loved. I want to trust someone so much I can be my very most vulnerable self. I need someone I can be my smallest softest self with. I need someone I can offer strength too but I am not the source of their strength. I need someone who is whole and wants to support me. I need someone who is whole who will let me support them and let me be their strong person while they're vulnerable too. All of these things are becoming apparent that they're important to me. I am still learning and I have a lot to learn. I do try to not take things so seriously but I wont beat myself up for falling into that habit anyway.

I have plenty more on my mind but I need a breather.

LM

[fartonexit]

A letter for my mother to find.

I'm not spending time writing this out like I thought I would. I'm not walking you through every little step, checking paths are clear to be read, because they aren't, and I'm not taking every precaution to hide myself anymore because honestly if I keep doing that I really am going to kill myself.

I came out as trans last year after many many years of it burning and smoldering for any form of attention. I ignored it, in fact I even have a place in my brain that I visualized physically throwing myself into to keep myself quiet. Anything, everything to just not be found out, not be seen or heard, everyone go away I'm going to go hate myself.

You want to point to developmental cycles. Ok. Why do you think I stopped eating in a group at dinner? Did you know I would talk to myself in the barn at night to keep all the anxiety down and just blow off steam for an hour and a half straight? And you never questioned why it looked like I has half paying attention in some areas and trying hard in others....

In middle school I was already thinking about this. In fact, it has been on my mind for so long, I'm not sure it's never not been there. There was no cause, no big explosion of coom and suddenly I wanted to be a sex object or something. Double up, middle school was hell and I can't remember any of it except doing math at home and breaking my DS. That's basically all I remember of those 3 years. 'cept one thing.

I got asked by a chick in 6th grade to go out with her, well maybe 7th actually, and I froze and turned them down. Not because of the ASD shit, mind you, but because I'd been staring at Tyler Roth's bulge for 2 hours squirming in my chair. If a girl asks me out and I'm doing that right beforehand, and in fact get up to use the bathroom to clean up, you think I'm gunna say yes to the girl?

That's fucking stupid. No.

At least at the time to me it was.

Now I am more open about myself. I care more for personality than body, so sex doesn't matter unless it's a group effort (haha). I am definitely pansexual, there's no doubts there. Poly even, but I'm not sharing any of that with you. That's all the info you get.

If you can't tell from the title, I'm kinda trans kinda not. Non-Binary is the correct term, and I'm a little jazzed that I'm over my bullshit about it. I never said anything or made it obvious because of bad reactions from you and dad about me being gay, or other gay ppl, so like honestly why would I ever have said anything when I don't trust you?

This is also the origin of my trust issues.

In college, actually no, in high school I heard the term for the first time, in college, learning more and more about what trans ppl go through and nb people go thru, I locked myself in my room for 2 weeks and only came out for dinner. I almost committed suicide off of AB after that period because I couldn't handle it and it hadn't matched anything that I had known before. It's something I've actually wanted to talk to you about for years, and when I try to bring it up you scream at me and run away like I've ruined your whole life in some 80's teenager movie. You won't even hear my side of it.

There's obviously a lot for us to talk about, and I'll let you come up with your own questions. I'll make a lil' faq

1: Are you male or female?

A:. I'm always going to acknowledge my birth. I'm never going to not acknowledge what I went thru, the good or the bad, or that I ever had a penis.

Male in origin, but in-between. Genderfluid is the correct term. Maybe intersex as well, as that's how I see myself. I notice when I eat more estrogen enriching foods, my mood balances out. I've been eating more E rich foods lately (seeds, dry fruit, oat bran in the morning) and I've honestly never felt more.... Normal.

2: If it's fluid, what the hell do I call you?

A: Well it's not like you'll make me explode at you if you straight up call me he and I'm in a dress, more I'll be watching the ppl around you staring at you calling me a he.

My pronouns are hi / shi / him / hir / they / them, and honestly my rule is call what you see. The I is there for... Well, intersex. Male or female presenting.

So again, call what you see. I do get mad though, especially if I worked really hard to make a banger of an outfit. Honestly, so glad you don't know my style either... If I'm obviously trying, respect that. I don't always though, only on special occasions.

3: What about your name then? It's effeminate.

A: I'm effeminate, what's your point. Hell if you want a bullshit term to look into look up genderfaun. Within genderfluidity there can be limits, which ppl of course have denoted how people will denote it. Genderfaun basically means cboy. A male embodied person never quite unclasping on full effeminacy.

4: How have I never heard of this?

A: Same reason women's issues are more vocalized to men's issues. Same reason why I'm expected to be the one running the construction site and my partner is supposed to be my loving little wife. Cboy's, intersex ppl in general rly, don't really have a need to be found out. And quite rare, actually. Honestly, Nonbinary is what can go on a paper and what is legally applicable, so that's the 'umbrella' term, if you need one.

5: So what makes you a cboy then?

A: years of undeserved anguish, hating my body, not wanting breasts, wanting to give birth, my dick feeling out of place or straight up like a tumor on my life, relationships being hard to start and even harder to keep literally because of sex, crying after being made the top for sex, having to top at all, expectations beset by other's that I don't get a voice in, not getting a voice in general and not being in any spot of authority or passed by the same or opposite sex in both education and normal social life, oh and also every time I see a picture of a cboy I'm happy, not horny.

6: Why that term? Rather harsh

A: I agree. If there was a better term that was as equally descriptive I'd go for it. I don't think intersex male is quite applicable tho, nor does genderfluid work on a job app., Tho neither does cb. It started as a term in porn but people have taken it as their own, me included.

Again describe it in one word that isn't confusing (transfeminine for example, genderfaun for another) and get back to me when you figure it out.

7: Possibility A - you're crazy

A: That'd be cool if I was crazy actually, then I'd actually fucking feel normal. Like I had a normal problem. Like I was being treated like I should be in society. Sadly enough I've talked to multiple shrinks, other trans and nb people, other cboys, and pretty much everyone agrees my living situation was really fucked up, as we're the expectations beset upon me. Not always, and I'm not just spraying buckshot over my whole life, but there's some stuff we REALLY need to talk about.

I've actually made it my life mission for the last 10 plus years to find someone like me being interviewed. I have had the hardest time too because I beat myself up about it so often, unless I tripped over a podcast episode (like I actually did) I'd never find anything and just think I was schizophrenic or something. Hell for a while you had convinced me I was because of stuff you were doing and talking about, and like bloody usual, not letting go of or shutting up about for months.

Literally half the reason I moved in to where I am was to checksum myself. I am definitely not schizophrenic and absolutely have a panic and anxiety disorder.

Possibility B - ok I'll bite, who else is there?

A: here's the podcast that made me feel safe. We're not 100% similar, but a lot of what he is saying I get. And while he lives in cali, stuff your biases. He moved here from japan when he was 12 or something.

https://www.furwhatitsworth.com/?episode=s9-episode-3-nb-nb-nb

This is not the only podcast I've listened to, but it's the best perspective I've heard. And I can say for solid, to this day, I get exactly everything he is talking about. Every single thing.

8: Ok, so what about your name (should you be on board)

A: Thats hard for me. I know I came with Ari and then tried Faun, but Faun is more a nickname for me from somebody and I liked the sound. I still like the name a lot too. But my name is Aremis, it's been Aremis, I'm going to move on and stop thinking about that one so hard.

9: Why not keep your old name? I'm offended you don't have my father's name anymore.

A: ok good for you for inscribing your bullshit onto someone before they can even he a say, as usual.

My dead name literally hurts. I've tried to explain to you, you ignored me.

That's all you get. Deal with it.

10: I'm not sure I'm ok with this.

A: Neither am I but I'd be dead right now from jumping under a semi in traffic a few months back if I hadn't. This isn't a mistake, or anything you did to me. It's just how I am. Now I know why you want the new DSM so bad.

By the way, dsm backs me up. So if god is gunna have to say something because of your convictions, I'll walk.

Peace. I'm done pooping now, time to get off the toilet.

[airacuddles]

Hi!

Sharing my Covid Pregnancy Story.

To start, I always had late periods that started last 2016 when I was already too busy at work. It takes me about 2-3months before I get another menstrual cycle. I also got fatter. To which, I suspected I may already have PCOS. In my mind, I really wanted to get checked, also because Jan had already been expressing that he already wanted to have our own child.

Fast forward to Nov 13, 2019, that was my last menstrual period. When December 2019 and January 2020 came and I still had no period, I just shrugged off thinking since it was already normal to have skipped 2 months of no period. But mind you, starting January 2020, Jan has already been doing it and not pulling it out 😬🙈

Everytime I get to the 3rd month of skip, I always get the mini heart attack and buy preg tests. Before I bought preg tests, I decided I wanted to be checked already just so I know once and for all if I already got PCOS. Last February 8, 2020, I visited the clinic our family obgyne (wife of Mama Tas' cousin) together with Jan (just so he also knows whatever is going on down there), but she wasn't around. Instead, across her clinic, her husband, our family pediatrician saw me and Jan. He asked me

"Oh naa lagi ka? Nag unsa ka?".. "Magpa-check up unta kong doctora"..

"Uy buntis ka?"..

"Hehe dili, pa check up ra unta ko"..

"Ahw wala raba sya karon kay nagmeeting, balik lang nya sunod".

Sad. And sayang.

So last February 15, 2020, I bought just 1 preg test. And used it in the morning. He stayed the night before and I tested the preg test while he was there. It was negative. I gave a big sigh of relief. Joked to him about being positive, lol. And went on with the day.

Last February 29, 2020, still waiting for my period to arrive, I bought another 3 preg tests, just to be sure, as advised by Demi. Still, those 3 preg tests came out negative.

March came, the 4th month of no period. This was already the longest period skip I've had in my life and I was already so worried. I really want to get checked already if I really have PCOS, and to have it treated already. Unfortunately, because of Covid-19, Cebu was already placed under Community Quarantine. I wasn't able to get checked because public utility vehicles were already banned.

I prayed that I wouldn't have complications from this very long skip. By the middle of March, I worked out. Had diet. I wasn't eating much and I lost 2kilos in weight. I was happy. Lol. From what I heard, exercise and diet helps fight PCOS. It came to a point a already that I'm already only eating 1 meal a day for 3days. But because I was already vomiting from the lack of food intake, I thought I already had ulcer.

April came and I still wasn't having my period. This time I got so worried, I really want to get to Hi Precision to get an advise on what test to take. But from the advise of friends, luckily, there are already online doctors people can reach thru FB chat.

Before I tried to chat an obgyne online, I thought, I should buy preg tests to let the doctors know that I'm negative and I may already have PCOS. I bought 3 preg tests. That night, the thought that came to my mind was it would have been better if the preg tests come out positive than to have PCOS and the possibility of difficulty in being pregnant. So I prayed. I prayed that the preg tests came positive. I repeatedly prayed for it not being prepared of anything. I prayed for it because it was a healthier choice.

The next morning, I prayed again.

The 3 preg tests gave out 2 lines. Positive!

At first I didn't know what to react. I know I prayed for this result. But I didn't actually know what to do. I called Jan. That's when I cried. I cried because I didn't know how to say it to my parents. I cried because I wasn't actually ready if that result came out positive. I cried because of a lot of things, plans that may already put on hold or may never happen. Jan was a bit speechless at first, but then said "Maayo nuon. Maytag twins." Those words, tho a bit of a joke, comforted me knowing that he wasn't angry or sounding like wanna get away from it. He reassured that it was gonna be okay.

After the call, I immediately went to Beb's room and told her. She actually was happy. I told her I was worried on how to tell our parents. She said it was gonna be fine since my parents were already asking me since last year when I would settle down because it might already be difficult already to have kids. So voila mami and dadi, problem solved! 😅

That afternoon, I told Chenee and Claire. 😁 But then felt a bit guilty that I told them first rather than my parents. I decided to tell them the next day.

Next day, I called mami. Told her "Mami, I. Am. Pregnant." just like that. Mami's usual reaction was like a little bit disappointed. Tho she didn't say it, but I could hear it in her voice. But then daddy got the phone and told me "Ok rana ging, walay problema na". I was sooo relieved from those words coming from daddy. Like hello, daddy saying ok that I was pregnant and not yet married. I expected differently from both of them. Since daddy was ok with it, mami came to be ok with it too. Sometimes, mami gives the worst reactions tho. 🙄

After that, I told the rest of the homies.

I messaged an obgyne online. I found her at Facebook as one of the obgyne clinics near me at Talisay. She advised to have the Transvaginal Sonogram. But as I was not yet her patient, she haven't given me a prescription. When I went to Hi Precision, they didn't allow it unless I get a prescription and suggest that an obgyne or hospital should do the TVS. So I messaged another online obgyne. Thankfully she gave me a prescription thru email. I had Claire come with me to drive to South Gen Hospital.

I got the results in 30mins. And, boy, was I surprised to see on the sonogram that the baby was already formed! I was actually just expecting like a little circle or something not clear enough to make out a baby in the picture. But there it was, a baby in my tummy. A baby already 11weeks!

So this was the reason I lost appetite and lost weight. If only I had been able to see our family ogbyne last February, Jan and I might have already known.

Jan wasn't able to get across from Cebu City to Talisay City because of the strict border controls. I got so frustrated, I told him terrible things for not making an effort on crossing borders. He haven't even told his family yet. I felt so alone and I cried. I kept putting the pressure on him because I don't know his thoughts and plans. He didn't say anything much. So I thought I was being abandoned.

Also, since Cebu was under ECQ, clinics were also closed. Even obgyne clinics at hospitals were also closed. Should there be a maternity emergency, mothers are only allowed to go straight to ER. Since I am not in an emergency, thank God, I had to wait till clinics open. But I was worried I wasn't seen by an obgyne and I can't say for sure if the Folic acid I'm taking and milk are enough to get thru pregnancy.

Jan managed to get across when quarantine status was lowered from ECQ to MECQ last June 1. Clinics also opened that time. Finally, on June 4, got the prenatal checkup at Tecson Clinic with Dr. Geline Cabanganan-Tecson. I was really nervous because I didn't have any update on my baby's growth or he/she is still there. But when Doc Geline got that doppler and I finally heard ny baby's heartbeat, I almost cried out. I was so happy the baby's thriving even without proper vitamins before.

Then, I finally got the proper prescribed vitamins and given prescription to do a package lab tests for blood tests, urine, glucose, etc. When the results came, everything was fine except for urine. The test result came out me having Urinary Tract Infection. I was shocked. I haven't even felt any pain in urinating. When I told mommy about it, she told me everytime she was pregnant, she has UTI too. When she was pregnant with me, she was even hospitalized because of the pain in urinating. Wew. The doctor gave me medicine to be taken twice a day for 7days. Then I had to take the Urine test again. Thankfully, after the 2nd urine test, the result was already good.

Chenee and clara wanted to have gender reveal party. I didn't really want one. I mean, for me, the gender of the baby wasn't a really big achievement tho. Like, okay, the baby is a boy or a girl. What are the other people gonna do about that information tho? Haha ya get me? Gender reveals are just a waste of effort and money. Pregnancy reveals are more emotional and wonderful, right? Right.

I secretly didn't tell them I was already getting the gender ultrasound. I just posted a blue heart on my IG story. But Chenee got it right away 😅

Fast forward, everything was doing good. My appetite went back on my 2nd trimester. The food was great again. I had to take caution on my food intake because I was already gaining weight fast 😅

Everything was fine. Baby's body is already in position for birth. UTI was gone. All we're waiting for already was the BIG DAY 😍

[rantingsurvivor]

tw: details of abuse, description of past suicide attempts.

My name is Sean Evans, I am an autistic transmasc (ey/em or he/him) who lives in Abbotsford, BC, and from 2018 until June 2020, I was emotionally and sexually abused by Monica Phillips (aka "joyousmonica" or "supruler" on various sites, and an official "Pokemon Professor" who runs Pokemon TCG League events at House of Cards Abbotsford when they aren't cancelled cuz of the 'rona).

I started dating Monica in 2011, and she moved in to my house in early 2012.

In 2018, she cheated on me; when I confronted her, she told me that if I cared about her happiness, I would accept her relationship with the person she cheated with, Beru Bell (aka "spectacularbear"). At this point, Beru (also autistic & non-binary; uses they/them) began sleeping over numerous times a week, using my workspace as a bedroom. At this time, I was trying to prepare for vending at local Pride events, & was using the common area of our suite as my workspace overnight, particularly on nights when Monica was sleeping with the metamour she HAD told me about before starting a relationship (Liz; I'll talk about her eventually). My warning that Beru was going to sleep over for the night was that they changed into their pyjamas & started setting up for bed in my workspace.

I was accused of being "unwelcoming" for asking Beru to let me know when they were sleeping over before setting up for the night. Actually, I wasn't allowed to

Beru and I have another thing in common: we both have gut issues. In their case, onions were a trigger. When I eventually asked Monica to let me know when Beru was coming home from work with her so I could make sure there were some options they could eat without taking over our only bathroom for hours, Beru interrupted our conversation from across the room to shut down my boundaries. I later got in trouble for a tweet expressing my frustration at the incident, because it made Beru upset. I was accused of not accommodating their autism... because I asked for the ability to schedule my evening & the ability to access our single bathroom that was now being shared by FOUR people, and said that I needed to be able to set boundaries.

Beru Bell did not respect a single boundary I set until the point I insisted on going completely non-contact with them.

It's worth mentioning, throughout this whole thing, Beru had an apartment where they lived alone. Until *I* suggested it (after several months of attempting to be polite), the two of them did not spend any significant amount of time there. Beru DID spend a large amount of time at Monica's work & was just as "bad with boundaries" there as they were elsewhere, to the point where multiple people expressed concern that Monica would be fired from her job at House of Cards in downtown Abbotsford over it.

For a while after I went non-contact with Beru, I thought that Monica might have actually understood why I couldn't be around a person who constantly violated my boundaries, including one memorable occasion where I was lying in my bed half naked with the door shut & talking to Monica, & Beru walked in without knocking or so much as a single word with me & climbed into the bed to cuddle Monica.

During this period, Monica made a new friend, Claire. Monica was very concerned about Claire liking her... and Beru. She was not so concerned with Claire liking me, however. Claire has since accused me of lying about Monica, because Monica told Claire (as well as a bunch of other people, including people that I've never met) that I had no reason to actually dislike Beru & was... idk, jealous?

Monica's story became "Sean consented to me dating Beru & then changed his mind," which is also what she tried to tell the couples counselor we visited.

Not long after this whole mess began, Monica & I both started HRT. Yes, she'll probably accuse me of outing her, no, I don't give a shit- it's relevant to how she abused me. You see, Monica didn't like condoms, and since HRT had prooobably made us both at least temporarily infertile, she didn't see why she should wear one for PIV with me. I was not comfortable with this, but after she started arguing with my objections, I gave up fighting; I was afraid of "picking a fight" by explaining just how uncomfortable I was, not just from the pregnancy-risk induced dysphoria, but because she wanted to have unprotected sex after cheating on me. This happened twice before I basically started ignoring her requests for PIV & exclusively going down on her instead.

Of course, she had to ruin that, too. One day in either late September or early October 2019 (I am Extremely Bad At Dates, but I can narrow it down to like a 10-day window based on the light from outside & other details I remember a lot better than specific dates) Monica came home from Beru's earlier than usual & begged me to go down on her. I can't remember if she actually said the words "right now" when she asked, but she hadn't even finished taking off her shoes when she yelled "Seaaan, I really want you to go down on me" across the house. I remember thinking a couple of things in particular:

"I guess this must be an effect of progesterone that took a few months to kick in?" and

"Liz isn't just at work, she's on a trip, so there's no chance we'll be interrupted by her getting home early."

When I actually started, though, I was kinda confused at first. She tasted strange, and the texture of the fluids was off. Again, I thought it must be the changes to her body chemistry... until I'd consumed enough of the vaginal fluid coating her dick to actually taste HER and realize that what I was tasting before probably came from Beru.

The worst part is, I felt like I was obligated to get her off before I confronted her to confirm what I tasted. So I did. And then I confronted her about whether she'd had bareback PIV with Beru before getting me to go down on her, & she confirmed it. And I felt bad about upsetting her by confronting her, & blamed myself.

& this continued. Every 3rd night, she spent the night at Beru's. It became impossible to schedule around her on those days- when she was leaving, when she'd be back. I'd spend hours on the days she was coming home caught in a limbo because of my inability to actually set a schedule. Monica became even crueler & more distant.

It finally came to a head when I tried to kill myself twice in 4 days in June, at which point she was switching meds and cycling through (equally cruel) manic and depressive states. Both of my suicide attempts this year were motivated entirely by my desire to avoid or cease inconveniencing Monica and Beru. The first attempt was opportunistic & unplanned- around 3 am I realized I was bleeding internally, thought it was a potentially fatal rupture... and decided to try to go to sleep instead of contacting Monica for help. I finally gave in and sent her a message saying I needed to go to the hospital around 6pm the next day.

The second time, I wrote a pseudo-will, calculated dosages, & decided to gamble on whether Liz would brave the awkwardness of actually saying something to me when she got home or just hide in her room & ignore the world. Fortunately for me, she acknowledged me when she got home, so I asked her to hide the painkillers.

That's the night I dumped Monica. Since I broke up with her, she played games for like 2 months about getting her stuff from my garage, continued accused me of sending her to the psych ward (she was on her way there well before my attempts- burning thru half an oz of weed a week & dabbling in shit like GHB while underplaying the fact that her new meds didn't play well with weed was her call, & she made it pretty clear that my concerns weren't really worth paying attention to), and sent the cops to my home on a false "wellness check" in retaliation for rescinding a 5 star review of her workplace & pointing out that using the place where you work *with kids* to meet up with the person you're cheating with isn't cool.

Now, I end up seeing her every time I let my guard down traveling thru downtown Abbotsford, which is a problem, because guess what part of town my house is in? 🙃

TL;DR: Monica Phillips of Abbotsford BC is a rapist who emotionally and sexually abused an autistic trans person over the course of two years. Her partner Beru Bell initiated & participated in parts of the abuse, and repeatedly used their autism dx as an excuse to violate other people's boundaries.

[nuevorealidad]

how.to.deal.w.damn.eclipses

Don't bother trying to make any sense of it. It'll only throw you. The whole damned thing is just a bunch of juxtaposed pastiché of images and scatterballed memories, a crazy drama mixed with karma, peering in lightness pouring onto the darkest spots, carousing kissers smearing brandied blood upon your gnarling scars.

Maybe it's best you just withdraw into the lair of your reclusive, private universe - a place from which all others are excluded, a shuttled dreamworld in which even those who know you do not recognise you as such. #ᴀᴤᴛʀᴏʟᴏɢʏØʄɴᴏᴡ ☿ ⊼ ♆ | ♀ ⊼ Ch |♀ △ ♅ | ☉ ☍ ♇

But things are weird, hey... aren't they now? Lots of confusion going down, everyone's feeling so damned grouchy all of their buttons ultra touchy be very mindful what you say, jack in the box ain't far away loaded with angst and toxic bile ready to spring you and revile so please, do not obscure or judge two thousand years of nasty sludge.

#ᴀᴤᴛʀᴏʟᴏɢʏØʄɴᴏᴡ SOLAR ECLIPSE @20°♋41'

Pluto Opposition Uranus - 7/12 new moon uranus 19/20 degrees

You do well not to resist the ups and downs but to go with the volatility which can take you to the outer edges of what you know. Exhilarating experiences are possible that can make you deeply aware of the weaknesses of conformity and the strength of going counter to the trend. While traditions have their place, this is a time to break new ground if only to uncover the unique qualities that make you an individual. Wherever you have felt a need to be different, this can bring it out with full force. (My Need & Desire for My *F*S*J* &*F*L* to kick in start unfolding manifesting from non-physical to physical reality)

Since you may seek freedom and independence whatever the cost, make certain it is for something that you truly desire (more big money & lucrative abundance) rather than against something you don?t want. If you fully tap into what this cycle offers, you probably will demonstrate an unyielding persistence when you are right or think that you are. The older you are when this transit occurs the more you can make it work for you. The increased self-awareness is a great asset as it allows you to seek the freedom you need without causing so much disruption in your life.

You are likely to receive profound insights that increase your understanding w/  deep curiosity with the unfamiliar /peculiar +extend to new discoveries.

**You can find inventive new ways to transform you life so that you do not need to drop out of society to be different.** Still deal w/ humans but living at undisclosed unknown lat/long domain where am free detach from all irita & bs  

I desire something completely new and alternate this new moon / have a need to bring forth my FS*FL* A.I.R. to finally start unfolding in full force . I have already given my F*S*J* 100% green lite & free will to commence. Now i am ready for it to kick in and come into play every single day.

aries - who are u here to be (at this time) & are u spiritually align - this new moon eclipse i am here to align w/ my future self in bringing my future life in accordance & full abundance manifestation. taurus - line up ur emotional mindset attitude to who u seek 2 be in the world & who u want to hang out n associate w/ sagittarius - ARE ABOUT TO TRANSFORM THEIR ENTIRE LIFE - Choosing an emotional tone on how they want to feel thru the whole transformation. do u wanna fly coach or first class - now this is what they have to hold true ; they have to hold true their spiritual faith, they cant be wishy washy or question it. they have to just call it believe it and see it work out (very strong boundaries about faith) and monitor ur emotional situation making sure u always feel safe, engrace, n protected hold true w/ faith and trust this powerful transformation in life. pieces - holding in for some serious passionate joys. everything u teach and preach should be in line w/ ur hearts intention n ur behaviour should be in alignment w/ dat dream too .. so act as if...assume the role. When you are ‘’ there ‘’ ...** BE VERY VERY LOYAL TO THE BOUNDARIES YOU HAVE LEARN SO FAR or else u can be very broken hearted n disappointed if U GO BACK ON A BOUNDARY U KNOW BETTER THAN...SO HONOR UR F* BOUNDARIES FIRST AND FOREMOST (remember wat happened the other nite? when u suffered/struggled thru / got redeemed (fr u know who) big time enough to walk but then u kept playin shittin it up ...remember that auwful feeling?? which U beg n promised never to ever feel or experience again??? soo HEED IT once and for all!

Talk it up, stretch facts, use frauds to make human beings appear more grandiloquent than they really are, invent stories where people talk way more eloquently, say smarter things than is humanly possible, make shitty human enterprises seem important enough to want to invest in. It's not a noise - it's music; it isn't shit smeared on a piece of wood - that's art; it's not a house - it's a temple; it isn't boring, if you say so....

Jupiter trine Neptune was exact during Jupiter retrograde on May 25 and will be again on August 19, 2018. It encourages hope, generosity and community spirit. As your personal value system or morals reach a higher standard, you will find that selflessly helping others brings great satisfaction. You can follow your dreams for success without needing to sacrifice your ego or material possessions. WEALTH/ FAME / 7 ALL UR DESIRES come true and you should feel happy and content.

YES I am f* ready to leave the past behind (past=letting go all ill feelings/regrets/fuck ups/sad sacks/doubts/leftover residues)..........Like I said THIS morning i have asked no *demanded* my FS to finally show up! do his thing! bring about w/out shadow of doubt who/what and all that FS/FL is all about. as i am tired of waiting /and isn't this f* WALK IN is all about ? instead of deely dally upgraded yes but still so slow blow....TODAY jupiter stations..( made sense why i ademantly demanded early 4am) ....tomorrow jup direct no more excuses no more delay f*kin get it on then already! .>>>>>>THIS is how i am heralding creating bringing forth these once in lifetime eclipses w/ once in lifetime event desire ..The Manifestation of my FL Completely Alternate Intelligence Realm. Asked /Told /Demanded my FS <3J to f*show up do it to it. HE is ON. its all on him /all about him..its show time m*f* ! let me watch you NOW.............>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.The eclipse, happening midweek at 20 degrees Cancer, is a powerful one. With the energy this supersized cosmic cocktails, there will be some major directional changes as we close one chapter and prepare for a brand new one, unencumbered by the ‘same ole’ sad songs. New career, relationships and opportunities will be opening up.

post above is 4 f*face.dh for deleting my fbomb posts - how dare u when ur mouth is just as filthier than any :/

Let this be your eclipse theme 4 gotz 2 follow thru starting first 1@7/12 (new moon solar eclipses all about NEW beginning pre-requisites on how your  FS*FLife will unfold & manifest ) 

------------------ I have Uranus 19 cancer but in 3rd house what does that mean to 20 degrees? Is no longer opp with pluto?

AstroWeather NYC Yes, 19 Cancer is opposite Pluto, he’s at 20 degrees Capricorn… Capricorn is directly opposite Cancer. We would have to see what natal aspects Your personal planets make. Look for all Planet approx 16 - 23 degrees of any sign

My pluto leo 22 in 4th house mars Sag 20 in 8th house jupiter gem 18 in 2nd house. So it doesn’t matter about their houses it’s the degree that’s affected? With all these opposition will that be bad new moon then? How can I make it work for me??

AstroWeather NYC This is the first of a series of eclipse points that will happen on the Cancer / Capricorn axis. The series is ‘a wrap’ by the middle of 2020. From this one until the end is the perfect ground, for healing, growing things, new construction, building of any type as well as making manifest the off spring of your body and mind. Creating, by using your talents and inspirations, in a caring, mystical, compassionate and passionate manner will transform your world. This is a period where and when you can make some serious loving connections that provide safety, security and protection. Pluto will bring up feelings. Harsh ones… Remember that Life is a flux - things flow in and things flow out - like the ebb and flow of the tide. When you shut down one flow, it cuts off all others. In addition, It is the meaning that you attach that makes these feelings unacceptable or acceptable. It is your resistance that makes them painful. Like life and death they are two sides of the same coin, if you stop one then you no longer have the other, death can not exist without life…….. nor can life exists without death….Thanks Dee

August 8 2018

Stop looking outside for help. You’re sourced and fuelled and funded by a renewable resource, which is within you. It never runs out. It is your Essence. It’s your life.

Source is now always available as a two way process.The Star Gate flows are constant - it doesn’t have to be a flare or solar wind storm day to receive these codes. Your own magnetics are adjusting as you migrate realities to where the Higher Self Can Express Right Through the Physical.

This is the pivotal shift from quaint 3D beliefs that days of loaded significance somehow delivered magic that rubbed off on you - the old seductive /dramatic event/ passive view of how the cosmos operates. And now we know different……we know that energy is neutral, that it is you who makes meaning and that magic happens when you make it. The I Ching hexagram for the Magician is “1 Chien The Creative”. Sometimes -as in this eclipse tunnel- the planetary weather reads “Storms,Hurricanes and Explosions”; sometimes it reads" Calm and Sunny" but whatever the backdrop, YOU CREATE UR OWN EXPERIENCE THROUGH WHAT U BELIEVE AND THE CHOICES U THINK U HAVE. YES WE CAN DO TRUE MAGIC-ALBEIT UP TO NOW UNCONSCIOUS AND RANDOM W/C ONLY BRINGS MIXED RESULTS

What each and every curve of the cosmic cycle brings are moments of chairos - time vectors when events and their resonance to your unique birth mandala conspire to crack open your tiny perspective to the Truth that your mind is not a camera but a projector and that you don’t have to believe your own thinking. “There’s a mysterious door that appears when we stop attaching ourselves to the comfort of what we believe to be are our obstacles. This is where the light of our inner fire appears. This is where we start to see, feel and listen. This is where we stop pretending. And this is where we no longer seek refuge outside of ourselves…” Tanya Lee Markul

🌒🌓🌔🌕⭐⚡☀⚡⭐🌕🌔🌓🌒🌰⭐🌱🌿🍀🎆🌋🎇🌠🔮🔔💰💰💰💰💸💸💸💳💳💳💸💸💸💰💰💰🍀🌿🍀🌿💰 😍😍😍😂🤣😂😆 **hugs**🤗 🤗💗💗 **luv**💕💞💕**likes**& lots of **kisses**💋💞💋🌟💃💃💃🌟✌. ✈️✈️✈️✈️✈️💥🔥⚡️✨🌠✨ 😍😍😍😍.😂🤣😂😆 hot 2 trot 🔥🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌀🌀 🐷🐮🐥🐢🐬🐺 🐇 🐥🐢🐬🐱🐶✌💞🎨🎯😇 🎥🖱📡📲📰🌈🏖 🎪🎪🍰🍰💰💰💰😇 🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀🌾⚘🌸🍃🌿😍😍😍😍😂🤣😂😆🌟🌟🌟💃🌟✌🌋🌊🌈🎆🎇🎉🎊🔓🔆🔓💰💸💳🔅📈🏁🍚⬆⬇↕🔄✳✴🌊🌈🌒🌓🌔🌕🌠⭐⚡🌋🎆🎇🎆🎉🎊🎍💸💸💸✴✳✳✳✳↕↕↕↕🎆🎇🌋✴✳🐇🐸🍀🌰🌱🌼🍀🍀🍀🌻🌺🍀🍀 🎆🎇🎉🎊🔆💸💸💸💰💰💰💳🔅📈🏁 ❣️💕💞💘👍😍💥 🌞🌟💃🏻✳✴🌊🌈🌒🌓🌔🌕🌠⭐⚡🌋🎆🎇🎆 ARIES WEEK AHEAD FORECAST: 5 - 12 August 2018 Watch your spirits lift from Tuesday as Venus lights up your relationship zone, smoothing over problems and putting you centre stage by shining the spotlight of attraction on you. Then on Saturday the 11th a New Moon eclipse in Leo sets the scene for PASSION, CREATIVITY, ROMANCE. After months of hard work and challenges, gift yourself some time out for socialising, travelling and exploring intriguing new avenues for TURNing what was side HOBBY INTO A LUCRATIVE INCOME STREAM. If your old plans fall apart, tell yourself that the eclipse will bring you something or someone even better.

THROW YOUR SCHEDULE AWAY AND GO WITH THE FLOW.

YOU CREATE UR OWN EXPERIENCE THROUGH WHAT U BELIEVE AND THE CHOICES U THINK U HAVE…& YES U CAN DO TRUE MAGIC-ALBEIT Be The F* Magician and manifest non tangeable non physical to HARD CASSSSSH