my masks
hey there buckaroos. due to all of the attention the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION situation has gotten i am going to take a minute to talk about my personal way as an autistic buckaroo. im going to tell you about my masks.
im doing this for a few reasons, some are good FUN reasons full of love and some are not so great.
lets start with the GOOD STUFF. first of all, i am talking about this because speaking on my way can help other buckaroo feel more comfortable speaking on there own way, ESPECIALLY if they are good at ‘passing’ for neurotypical like chuck is.
unfortunately the NOT SO GREAT reasons im talking about all this dang stuff are two fold. reason one: i have been put into a position of having to explain and justify my needs and boundaries by the TXLA. this is not something that i WANT to be taking up all of my time, but when large organizations do not make space for those who they have pledged to support, it puts us smaller buckaroos into position where were have to defend our existence. it is not plesent but it is necessary.
the second NOT SO GREAT reason is that ‘passing’ bisexual and autistic people like myself are ALWAYS just seconds from being gatekept from folks both outside and inside these communities. there will probably be a day on chucks deathbed where i take off my mask and say hello to this timeline (mostly so you can all see how handsome i am under here but I DIGRESS). i KNOW with absolute certainty (the same way other bi and autistic buckaroos are probably nodding along right now) that when that day comes i will STILL be accused of ‘not being real’ and ‘faking’ because i ‘dont look autistic’ and i have a beautiful ladybuck partner in sweet barbara.
ALL THAT IS TO SAY, i am taking a moment today to talk FOR THE RECORD about my neurodigence and my particular needs. hopefully i will not have to keep diving this deep every time an organization takes a discrimantory action against me, but i will also say this: at least it is a good fight on an important battlefield
anyway buds, here is the story of my way on the spectrum
when i was a young buckaroo i knew that my thought process was different. i could socialize easily, which is unique in contrast to many autistic buds (it is a spectrum after all), but my social ease was for an interesting reason. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT OTHERS WERE ABOUT TO SAY. it was like a strange ‘human game’ where someone would say one thing and i would think ‘well you actually mean something else’ in a sort of logical way (this is why i later related to DATA from star trek so dang much). at first i remember thinking ‘well i am just NOT going to play along with this human game’. i quickly learned neurotypical buckaroos do not like this, that there is a BOB AND WEAVE to social interactions that must be learned.
later i realized ‘actually if i WANT to make friends and prove love is real then i can do this like an expert because i can SEE the game where most cant’. this got chuck many buds and took me on many adventures. please understand, i am not saying these connections are not important to me, they are just different. they are full of love, but i express this in my own unique way.
HOWEVER, while growing up i felt disconnected from this timeline in other ways, like an alien or a reverse twin trotting along in a world that is not quite my own. i did not feel emotions the same way my buds did. they would get upset over the ‘human game’ interactions and i would not be moved at all, HOWEVER i could see the way sunlight hit a window and start crying my dang eyes out over the beauty. so my emotion was still there and VERY STRONG, i just felt it in more existential ways (like hearing the call of the lonesome train). these days that feeling has progressed to where i am pretty much in a constant blissed out state of cosmic emotional connection (make of that last sentence what you will, but it is the truth). when i make existential posts online i am not just FIRING OFF SOME CONTENT, i really mean every word. this is really my trot.
anyway as a young buckaroo these feelings made me worry sometimes. i thought about various mental health dianosises and marked the parts and pieces that matched with myself. am i this? am i that? sometimes, instead of just being’ different’ i worried i might actually be ‘wrong’.
when i saw david byrne on letterman in my younger days i immediately recognized something connected to myself. i thought ‘wow this is the mystery being solved before my very eyes.’ i could hear it in the music of talking heads too. i started doing research and realized that i might be on autism spectrum, something that was later confirmed by a therapist (back then the diagnosis was called asperger's). it was a glorious and fulfilling moment. i was SO EXCITED TO BE AUTISTIC LIKE MY HERO. i felt very cool because of it, and i still feel very cool because of it.
one of the big reasons i talk so much about being autistic these days is because i want to make sure OTHER buckaroos can have that same moment that i did. they can see chuck and think ‘wow i really like this autistic artist, maybe being autistic is cool’
so what does an average day WITHOUT wearing the pink bag look like for me?
my thought process is exactly like ROSE from CAMP DAMASCUS, which is part of why i wrote the book. we have the same stim (complex order of finger taps), we prepare for social interactions the same way, we analyze things in the same logical trot that neurotypical people might think feels ‘detached’ but for me feels natural (certain reviews of camp damascus are very funny to me in this way. you can tell when a reader is just very confused by existing in an autistic brain for 250 pages.)
from the outside you would not be able to tell that i am on the spectrum. in fact you would probably find me very socially adept.
the problem is, all of that masking can take its toll. i spent years trotting in and out the emergency room, talking to confused doctors who could not figure out the chronic phantom tension and pain that radiated through my body. i eventually accepted the fact that i would either live a life constantly on heavy painkillers or just stop living altogether.
eventually, however, i started noticing a correlation between the way that i felt, and the space that i allowed for chuck and the pink mask. i was exercising that tension, allowing my mental mask of neurotypical existence to take a rest. i started practicing physical therapy and this time THE RESULTS STUCK because i was approaching from two sides, MIND AND BODY. after a while, i got my pain down to about 5 percent of what it once was. i still have flare ups in times of stress, but the healing has been very real and life changing.
lets get VERY specific now. if i attended the TXLA confrence without a mask and gave my talk i can tell you this: i would do a dang good job. i can work the heck out of a crowd and (not to reveal too much about my secret way) I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THIS ON OCCASION VERY WELL. however, going home from this event i would very likely be in pain. i would likely need to do physical therapy. i would likely need to stim for a while. i would NOT be emotionally fullfilled in the same way. in other words, without my pink mask i can charm the heck out of buckaroos, but THE SPACE OF CHUCK TINGLE IS NOT THE SPACE FOR THAT. the pink bag is a place for me to not have to put up with that tension. it is a place for me to unmask mentally by masking physically.
this pink bag space SAVED MY LIFE and i am not going to risk blurring these lines. if and when that ever happens it will be MY decision, not someone elses. that is my boundary. the part of me that neurotypically masks could handle a library conference in a purely technical sense, but the part of me that chuck represents absolutely cannot and should not be asked to do that without the pink bag. unfortunately, the complexity of this point makes it even MORE difficult for me to think about and takes up even more of my time, because it forces me to START QUESTIONING MYSELF and my own needs. to be honest, that is the most insidious part of other people questioning your identify and refusing to accept your accommodation needs without ‘proof’.
the thing is, while all of this discussion of disability and accessibility is important, i have a much larger point to make by writing these words.
a conference should not uninvite someone with an unusual physical presentation or a strange way of speaking REGARDLESS of it being classified as a disability. it does not matter WHY i look the way that i look and wear what i wear. i should not have to spend all day writing this post instead of writing my next book, just because my sensibilities are unique and my presentation is unusual.
fortunately the solution is very simple: let other people be themselves. its not hurting you to simply accept and nod at the buckaroos you think look strange. let us exist
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Dick Gumshoe completely, utterly, desperately oblivious to Phoenix and Edgeworth's relationship, missing every single clue that his boss is very much fucking the defense in more ways than one, happily walking on Edgeworth and Phoenix disheveled and flushed and looking sad "aww, were you fighting again? Come on, pal, you won the trial, you don't have to rub it in Mr Edgeworth's face ☹", completely zoning out everytime Phoenix and Edgeworth cross a new milestone in their relationship (very loudly, very publicly, the Judge still cries when he thinks about the wedding proposal), to the point it takes several minutes of confused misunderstandings and half of the police department for him to finally get what's going on when Mr Edgeworth is asking him to be his best man at the wedding.
VS
Dick Gumshoe somehow the only man in Japanifornia who knows Phoenix and Edgeworth are an item. From the first moment he saw them interacting he thought "dang, Wright got the best tastes in men, too bad I can't say the same about Mr Edgeworth". He didn't say anything because come on, that's not his business! Except he's the only one who thinks there's any business, everyone else is convinced Edgeworth and Phoenix hate each other's guts (including the main concerned for a while) or at best tolerate each other. Meanwhile Gumshoe regularly witnesses Edgeworth melting down whenever Wright is concerned, Phoenix going through hell to save Edgeworth, both of them working together like they're two halves of the same coin. "I hope someday there's someone who loves me like Mr Edgeworth loves Wright," he thinks fondly as the tribunal worries one of them is going to throttle the other. "Saw this and thought of you!" He jokes while giving a blue and red Valentine themed thingie to Phoenix, who's utterly confused. He bought them condoms once, and Edgeworth wrecked his brains for days trying to figure out how he could be so obvious, when actually Gumshoe didn't even think, his boss just seemed tense that day so he wanted to help. They're just that obvious, y'know?
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Dang it, I love this ship and I love the enemies to lovers trope. I get that a lot of people see them as a surrogate father and daughter relationship, but it feels like a been there/done that kinda thing.
As much as I love that trope, I'm also a little tired of it. There's only so much Last of Us style found family I take after seeing it for so many years.
The thing I love about VaultGhoul or Ghoulcy is the idea of Lucy breaking down of Cooper's walls while he helps build hers up.
Is he incredibly cruel to her and those around him in the first season? Yes, extremely
Does he need to chill out and find some of his humanity that's been buried under 200+ years of wasteland survival and bitterness? Yes
Who can bring that needed direction to his life while learning the ways of the new world she finds herself in? Lucy MacLean
I know that the canon ship of the show at this moment is Lucy and Maximus, and as much as I love him, I find the pairing obvious and kind of boring from a story telling perspective. I loved it on my first viewing, but upon re-watching the series, I wasn't as behind it as before. I see their relationship, kiss and all, as a kind of first fling for the both of them.
While it doesn't diminish the care they show one another, there's not a lot behind them as a couple. Now I know that some people might turn around to say how she and Cooper spent less time together than her and Max, but I guess the thing I look forward to is seeing what their relationship brings with the second season.
I feel like Max and Lucy will have a great friendship and I'm interested to see where the Brotherhood fits into their dynamic as well.
With Cooper though, I find his story so tragic, as it's supposed to be. He's your standard hardened survivor who only looks out for himself that's now stuck with the happy-go-lucky main character, however, she's not that character anymore by the end. She's still going to be the Lucy we love, but she's changed by the end. While not losing her compassion and some optimism, I think Cooper is going to bring out a harsher side to her as we saw when she bit off his finger.
I want to see her building up her walls and learning when to let them down. How to truly survive while still bringing her own energy to the wasteland and people around her. I want to see Cooper regaining some lost humanity while learning to truly care for another person again. To see the two of them as eventual equals in one another's eyes as they continue on their journey as reluctant allies.
I also want to say that I'm personally kind of tired of the 'age gap' argument. We have stories of teenagers falling in love with hundred year old vampires. So can we just drop the age gap thing?
As long as they're both consenting adults who understand what they're getting themselves into, who cares about an age gap.
Does it truly matter in the scheme of things when we're talking about a world with cryo-stasis and super mutants?
I personally don't think so.
I don't know if anyone will even bother reading this entire thing, and I know I went on a little long, but I wanted to write down my thoughts on the whole shipping situation with the Fallout TV show fandom at this moment.
I'm a VaultGhoul shipper and I can't wait to see where the second season takes our main trio of characters.
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starks daughter reader x peter parker, making out? like the avengers ask jarvis to show what’s happening in her room and they see what’s happening?
ask box | taglist | blurb masterlist | main masterlist
w/c: 719
warnings: 18+, explicit language, implied smut
a/n: i made one little change so it’s friday instead of jarvis but everything else is the same so i hope you don’t mind and that you enjoy! also don’t forget to join my new taglist y’all mwah
“y/n…”
you’re kissing down peter’s neck, lips leaving goosebumps on his skin. he’s practically writhing underneath you, and you’ve hardly even done anything.
yet.
“y/n, baby.”
you grip the collar of peter’s shirt in both hands and bring your lips to the shell of his ear.
“yes, peter?”
“c’mon, we can’t. we’re… we’re gonna be late for dinner.”
“wouldn’t you rather eat me instead?”
your teeth sink into peter’s earlobe, a hand traveling down to the bottom of his shirt. peter throws his head back and closes his eyes, trying to resist you, but he can’t. you’re his weakness.
“fuck, y/n/n. don’t do this to me.”
“what, is there something else you want me to do to you?”
you start to pull peter’s shirt over his head, but he grabs both your hands in one of his.
“we’ve gotta go join the others. you know how important team dinners are to your dad.”
“and you know how much i despise them.”
“yeah, but i don’t understand why. i think they’re a sweet idea.”
“i think they suck.”
“how come?”
“steve makes the blandest food, thor has literally zero table manners, and everyone’s always asking me questions. way too many questions.”
“you mean trying to get to know you?”
“it’s the fucking worst.”
peter chuckles and pulls you in by your waist.
“you really are a stark.”
“am i? because the leader of the pack came up with this whole team dinner thing.”
“your dad just wants everyone to spend more time together.”
“well, i just wanna spend time with you.”
you peck peter’s lips. peter smiles and secures his arms around your waist.
“at least wanda’s cooking tonight. means the food will actually have some flavor.”
“yippee.”
peter lets out a breath.
“i’d be more than happy to eat you for dessert, but dinner first, okay?”
“or i could be your appetizer.”
your lips attack peter’s before he can respond. despite himself, he gives in this time, kissing back with just as much fervor.
-
“what’s taking them so long? the chicken paprikash is almost done.”
“looks delish, wanda. i’ve never had sokovian food before.”
“oh, thank you, scott. you’ll love it.”
“sure, sure. i bet i will. i just, y’know… it won’t be spicy, will it?”
sam elbows bucky’s arm.
“dude thinks paprika is spicy.”
“and i thought i was bad.”
scott frowns.
“what? it’s a spice, isn’t it?”
tony enters the dining room with a grin, rubbing his hands together.
“hey, gang. smells good in here, little red.”
“thanks, tony. i’m just about ready to serve it. we’re waiting on the kids.”
“oh? they’re still not down yet?”
“nope,” bruce sighs. “i saw them sneaking up to y/n’s room earlier,” natasha smirks. “dang, you didn’t have to rat them out,” sam remarks.
“like you wouldn’t do the same.”
“fair.”
“stop teasing, you two,” steve chastises. “no, no. this is true. i passed little stark and the spiderling on the stairs,” thor says.
tony glares at thor.
“so you all knew they were canoodling, and no one thought to tell me?”
“uh oh, drama,” scott whispers to wanda. “canoodling?” natasha snorts.
steve shoots them both looks.
“i’m sure they’re on their way down, tony.”
“yeah? let’s find out.”
tony double taps his glasses. his artificial intelligence comes to life.
“friday, show me y/n.”
“on it, boss.”
friday taps into her system that’s installed in your room and broadcasts the feed to tony’s glasses. he immediately regrets asking her to do so when he sees what you’re up to. yours and peter’s tongues are quite literally down each other’s throats, and peter is trying to take your bra off, but struggling to unhook it.
tony rips off his glasses and tosses them onto the dining room table. he shudders, shaking his head to rid his mind of the image. natasha puts on tony’s glasses to see for herself.
“yup. they’re canoodling, alright.”
“for real? this i’ve gotta see.”
“wait your turn, wilson.”
tony snatches his glasses back from natasha.
“absolutely not. no one will be taking turns watching my daughter and parker swap spit. have some class, will you?”
“yeah, have some class!” thor chimes in through a mouthful of bread wanda had put on the table.
wanda joins everyone with a serving plate of food.
“chicken paprikash, anyone?”
tags: @mystic-writings @just-lost-inbetween-worlds @lnmp89 @jenoslov @crvshnburnn @yourlocalomlette @starlight-starks @belovasheart @liltimmyst @eviewriites @hollandsangel @parkerctrl @eichenhouseproperty @inthegetawaycarwithtaylah @varshhyy @ellebutnotwoods @magicalxdaydream @tayyx
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