#I like to think she didn't want it to happen but still felt like she needed to help him

[wheresarizona]

but I would die for you in secret

Part 2

summary: The relationship you have with Joel Miller is less complicated now that he’s going to tell Ellie that you’ve been secretly seeing each other for months. You thought their discussion would go well, but when you get home from work to a note on your front door from Joel that reads, ‘Come over, we need to talk,’ it has you immediately thinking the worst—up until he answers his door in nothing but a towel and drags you inside to fuck your brains out for the first time in his bed.

pairing: Joel Miller/f!reader

rating: E (18+!! No y/n, explicit smut, age gap (unspecified, reader is an adult), Possessive Joel Miller, Dominant Joel Miller, Joel Miller has a big dick, oral sex (m receiving), deepthroating (he tells you to choke on it (in a good way)), unprotected p in v (wrap it up!), creampie, breeding kink, rough sex, dirty talk (so much), spit mention, biting, spanking, whatever the kink is where you’re turned on by good dads, Joel in just a towel, pregnancy discussion, fluff, the last 3k words in Ellie’s pov (truly delightful), Good Parent Joel Miller, Ellie giving Joel so much shit, Joel giving Ellie shit, Ellie and Joel having the best discussions, TLOU AU where Joel doesn’t lie to Ellie and they’re good when they get back to Jackson)

word count: 11.1k+

a/n: Yes, I did make my own gif because I was too lazy to try and hunt for it. I really, really wanted to write about what happened after the last chapter, and here we are. I think this will be the last one. Thank you to the love of my life @juletheghoul for betaing!

Thank you for reading! Comments and reblogs feed me. I’d love to know what you thought!

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The sun hadn’t risen when Joel Miller left your bed this morning.

That's how it usually was, him coming and going in the dark so no one sees him leave his house to come to yours across the street—the nights you spend together are bathed in secrecy, the two of you inhabiting your own little world, confined to the space of your home.

Why the sneaking around?

He didn’t want his daughter, Ellie, to know of his relationship with you. Over the many months you’ve been together, he’s let you in on much of what she had gone through before they got to Jackson. You understood that he’s all she has, and he’s worried that if he started openly dating, she’d think she isn’t as important to him as before or feel like Joel’s abandoning her. That’s the main reason he didn't want her to know, but with how often he brings up you being so much younger than him, and all the times he’s said you should be with someone your own age, you felt that he’s also ashamed of how old you are.

At least, that’s what you thought until the night before when he revealed his feelings for you and told you he wasn’t ashamed of you or the large gap in your ages.

When this all began, Joel was clear that all he could give you was his body—he was emotionally unavailable because he was too focused on taking care of Ellie.

Amazing sex with no strings attached? You were okay with that.

Except it wasn’t something casual, and there were strings attached.

You don’t just occasionally hook up with Joel; no, he’s at your place most nights and some days without his daughter knowing. You also can’t go out with anyone else, not that you want to—he doesn’t share or like when other men are interested in you. You aren’t any better, hating when women flirt with him, especially his next-door neighbor Sandra, who refuses to acknowledge he doesn’t want her.

Why does she, specifically, annoy you so much?

Not only does she shamelessly flirt with Joel any chance she gets, but she also touches him, her hand always ending up on his arm that he shrugs off, making him growl at her not to touch him. Does she listen? No, she still does it every time she runs into him, and it pisses you off that she doesn’t respect his boundaries. Plus, there was an incident a couple of months after he moved to Jackson where she got him over to her house under the false pretense of needing something fixed and then basically jumped him—she kissed him without his permission and came onto him, which he was not into and had him leaving immediately. He can’t stand her, and he’s been very firm with her that he’s not interested. If what she does to Joel isn’t bad enough, she creeps the fuck out of Ellie, and that pisses you off even more. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve saved the kid from talking to her; the look on Ellie’s face that screams she wants to be anywhere other than with Sandra makes your hackles rise, and a need comes over you to get the girl out of there as quickly as possible.

Has anything ever happened between Joel and Sandra to make her delusional enough to think if she keeps harassing him and his daughter, he’ll eventually want to be with her?

From what you understand, Tommy and Maria tried to set them up when he first arrived, but he declined; it truly was a case of right place, wrong time. He was polite when he rejected her and explained that his daughter needed him and that he had zero interest in starting a relationship with someone. Back then, he was completely occupied with taking care of Ellie, and dating was out of the question; it didn’t even cross his mind or was something he wanted. He was content with his fresh start in Jackson, alone with his kid to help her heal.

Why did Joel accept your advances the first time you met?

Right place, right time.

Once you moved to town, the father and daughter were settled to the point that Ellie was doing great in adjusting to life in Wyoming, and Joel felt he could finally do something for himself; you were tempting enough that he wanted to be selfish. He liked that you didn’t reek of desperation or made him feel pressured, neither of you doing anything that made the other uncomfortable. Obviously, there was a mutual attraction between you two, and the flirting went both ways; his head was already leaning toward yours when you went in for the first kiss, which he happily reciprocated.

What it came down to was he trusted you, and you were willing to do things on his terms.

And, of course, as it usually happens, feelings did develop—as his kid got better and more comfortable with living in Jackson, Joel opened up to you little by little, offering a tiny bit more of himself with each passing day and your relationship became confusing; it wasn’t only sex anymore; hasn’t been just that for a while, and it took you both over eight months to admit you’re in love, and for Joel to decide it’s time to tell Ellie, so he could actually be with you out in the open.

So, he left your bed before the sun had risen in order to be home before she woke up—that way, she wouldn’t be confused by his absence. He also planned on talking to her about what was going on between you two.

There’s this ritual he does before he leaves each morning that you’ve chalked up to him being from a different time and big on manners; your two previous sexual partners were closer to your age and nowhere near as courteous as him.

The slightest sounds will wake you, a side effect of surviving, and the moment the mattress springs squeak as he gets up, hours before you need to, your consciousness is coming back to you to assess if there’s any danger. Your ears perk at the rustle of him dressing in the dark, and you’ve learned not to spook when the blankets are pulled up to cover your bare body that gets tucked in. The kiss pressed to your hair always makes you smile at the sweetness, and you expect the whispered goodbye he says before he goes.

This morning, you didn’t expect the added ‘Love you’ at the end, which had your eyes opening and hand shooting out from under the covers to grab his, tugging him toward you. He knew what you wanted, chuckling as he leaned down to kiss your lips. You told him you loved him, too, when he straightened and started to leave, and he stopped at the doorway to get one last look at you under the dim light filtering through the gaps in your curtains from the street lamp outside, then headed home.

It’s safe to say your morning started off pretty great, and even though you didn’t see Joel after he left, the rest of your day wasn’t half bad either; it took a little turn when you got back to your house after working your job teaching at the school to a note from him on your door that read:

Come over

We need to talk

A romantic partner saying you needed to talk was never good, and worry knotted up in your belly like a ball, thinking things with Ellie didn’t go well when he told her about your relationship, and now he’s going to break up with you.

The first time you stopped by his place, you’d made the mistake of knocking; he was home alone and hadn’t known you were at the door until you rang the doorbell. It was adorable how he’d been a little embarrassed he didn’t hear you and pointed at his right ear to explain he had hearing loss. From then on, you always made sure to ring the doorbell, and you did so again, standing on his porch in the freezing cold with your winter coat on and worrying your lip between your teeth.

There’s the faint sound of him yelling from inside, “One minute!” thinking he’s upstairs, which is confirmed when you hear his heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. The deadbolt clicks as it’s unlocked, and the door is cracked open; Joel’s face appears, the rest of his body hidden.

He looks relieved to see you, and that’s a good sign. “Thank Christ, it’s you,” he says, opening the door some more to take your hand pulling you inside. The front door gets slammed shut, and your back is suddenly pressed against it, a surprised sound leaving your throat when his mouth crashes into yours, kissing you hard.

This is an even better sign that everything is okay.

He’s never kissed you in his house before.

One of his big palms cradles your face, the other locking the deadbolt beside you before it glides up your jacket-covered front to squeeze your breast. Your lips part to allow his tongue to delve inside and tangle with your own, looping your arms around his neck automatically. This kiss has your brain fritzing out, unable to think about anything except how he’s claimed you with his lips and tongue so fiercely and possessively while his large body cages you in. It’s embarrassing how long it takes a coherent thought to come through, and when it does, you’re lightly pushing at his chest, the surprise of bare skin under your hand causing you to break your mouth away to look at his body immediately.

A disappointed noise comes from him, and your eyes go wide at what you see.

“You’re naked,” you whisper.

His hand lightly holds your throat as he starts kissing along your jaw. “I’m not naked—I’m wearin’ a towel.”

That’s true. The faded blue towel is wrapped tightly around his waist, stopping just before it reaches his knees. His upper body is entirely bare, with pink and silvery scars etched all over his skin. No matter how many times you see him naked, you’re always so surprised by his broadness—it’s not a trick of his clothing or lighting that makes him appear big; he is that big.

“Still pretty naked.” You remember the thought you had. “Is Ellie home?”

“No,” he says into your skin. “She’s with Cat—” Her best friend. “—and they’re meetin’ us for dinner later.” His mouth is at your ear, feeling his hot breath, and shivering when he rasps into it, “Now, stop worryin’ about her, and let me take you up to my room so I can finally fuck you in my bed—I’ve been dyin’ to break it in with you.”

The proposition makes your cunt clench, and you’re interested in seeing his bedroom—he’s never invited you upstairs.

“Is this why you really wanted me to come over, to christen your bed?”

He pulls back to meet your gaze. “Didn’t want to scandalize the neighbors by puttin’ it in writin’, but yes.” His eyes darken as he slowly unzips your coat. “You comin’ up with me?” His voice deepens, nudging his nose against yours. “Since you’re my guest, we’ll do whatever you want.”

Joel always considers what you want, but he also seems instinctively aware of what you need—that’s the great thing about being with someone so much older and experienced; he knows how to play your body and make you feel so good that you’re happy to go along for the incredible ride.

With him saying you’ll do whatever you want, he’s letting you call the shots.

Your eyebrow raises. “Anything?”

“Within reason.” He kisses your chin, your skin tingling under his lips.

“Is there anything we did last night that’s not within reason…?”

The previous night, you weren’t expecting to see Joel because he’d been taking care of a sick Ellie for the prior few days. When he arrived at your place unannounced, he found you trying to make yourself come on your fingers and ordered you to finish as he jerked off, watching you. Then he fucked your brains out until your limbs were jelly and surprised you by asking if he could come inside you—something he avoided in the past and had only accidentally happened a handful of times.

His head moves to look you in the eyes.

“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s all within reason.”

That sentence excites you. “Let’s go,” you say quickly. He chuckles and helps you remove your jacket, hanging it on the nearby coat rack, which only has a few other items.

He grabs your hand and leads you up the stairs, the third step from the top creaking loudly under each of your weights.

You’re not entirely sure what you’re expecting his bedroom to be like, but when you walk into it, you take a moment glancing around at everything; there’s his queen-sized bed that’s neatly made, he’s got a record player over in the corner with a stack of vinyl records next to it, a couple of landscape paintings of pastures decorate his walls, there’s a walk-in closet not even close to full of clothes, his own private bathroom, and on top of his dresser is a few framed photos—one of Ellie playing guitar, beside that, Joel and her standing next to each other laughing. The third has you walking over to pick it up.

“Joel?”

He’s shut the door, and his bare feet pad across the floor, moving toward you.

“Yeah?”

“If you didn’t want Ellie to know about us, why do you have a picture of me and her in your room?”

It was taken at the town party celebrating the harvest and shows Ellie sitting beside you at a table, leaning into you with her head against your shoulder as you both smile at the camera.

“She doesn’t come in here.”

He’s next to you, and you look over at him.

“But what if she had?”

“Wouldn’t have mattered.” He shrugs and takes the photo from you, setting it back down in its spot.

You turn to face him, crossing your arms over your chest, and his eyes lock onto your bosom.

“What do you mean it wouldn’t have mattered?”

It takes him too long to answer, and you realize he’s distracted, so you wave your hand in front of his face. “Focus, Joel.” His gaze goes to yours.

“What?”

“What do you mean it wouldn’t have mattered if Ellie saw the picture?”

“I mean, it wouldn’t have mattered; it wouldn’t have revealed anythin’ she didn’t already know.”

“How long?”

His face pinches in confusion. “Huh?”

“How long has she known about us?”

His hands sit on his hips, and his weight goes to one side, a crease appearing between his eyebrows.

“I don’t want you gettin’ mad at me when I tell you ‘cause I had no idea she was aware; if I’d known, it would’ve been made clear long ago to everyone you’re mine. Understood?”

It’s said with such conviction it leaves zero doubt that it’s the truth, and it feels like your skin is vibrating at the fact he’s really going to make sure all of Jackson knows that you’re together now.

You smile. “God, that’s hot—yes, I understand.”

“Good—she clocked us pretty much from the beginnin’.”

“Of course she did,” you reply. “I had a feeling she’s known for a while, but since the beginning? I am both impressed and very annoyed. Why didn’t she tell you she knew?”

He grimaces. “She thought it was a subject we avoided...” He scrubs a hand over his face and sighs. “I guess I’m cagey when Tess comes up, mostly ‘cause I don’t even know what that relationship was, and since I never said anythin’ about you, she figured we don’t talk about our romantic partners.”

Your eyes round. “Our? Is Ellie dating someone?”

His hand lowers, and he smiles, nodding. “She said I could tell you—Ellie’s way better at the secret girlfriend stuff than I am.”

“Cat?”

His eyebrows dip down. “How’d you know?”

“Ellie looks at Cat the same way you look at me.”

A long sigh leaves him. “So, it’s true.” He sounds defeated, his shoulders slumping.

“What’s true?”

“When she was pointin’ out how obvious we’ve been, she gave me shit for starin’ at you with, she called ‘em ‘googly eyes,’ whatever the fuck that means.”

You snort and step into his space, wrapping your arms around his neck, Joel’s hands holding your hips.

“It’s this way you look at me, and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was until you told me you loved me last night, and I realized it’s love; devotion—your eyes show the truth of what you’re feeling, and good news, babe.”

“What’s that?”

“You can give her shit for having googly eyes like her father.”

That seems to cheer him up, and honestly, it’s cute.

“She’s gonna hate knowin’ that—I can’t wait to tell her.”

You giggle. “So, Ellie’s really okay with us?”

“She is.” He nods.

“Good—this might sound weird.” You can’t look at him as you say this and focus on a patch of freckles on his shoulder, heat creeping up your neck. “But, um, you being a great dad and loving your kids so much—” He’s told you about Sarah. “—really does it for me. There’s something about it that’s incredibly attractive.”

“Yeah?” He ducks his head to press his lips over your pulse point, peppering kisses up your neck; his hand slides down between your legs where your warmth is felt through your jeans, rubbing over your sex. It makes you gulp, excitement sparking in your tummy.

“Yes.”

His mouth reaches your ear, tugging the lobe lightly between his teeth. His warm breath fans against your skin when he hovers his lips to whisper, “I think I know why.“

Your heartbeat thuds in your chest and pulses in your core to the same beat, feeling your need for him drip into your panties.

“W-why?”

He speaks in a huskier tone, “You know that havin’ my babies means they’d get a good father, and you have nothin’ to worry about when I fill your perfect little pussy with my come.”

Pleasure cuts through you sharp as a knife, and you moan.

“Yeah, I know you like it—is that what you want tonight, sweetheart? Want me to stuff you full?”

What he’s saying is making your skin so hot that your clothes are stifling, and you want him more than anything; you need him to ease the ache in your center.

“God, yes.”

“Then I’ll give it to you.”

You’re wondering what’s changed that suddenly has him unbothered about the possibility of getting you pregnant when he actively tried to prevent it previously—something you’ll have to inquire about later because it seems Joel’s had enough talking as his lips capture yours in a searing kiss, and he pulls your body flush against his.

It’s consuming and exhilarating.

No one has ever made you feel the way he does—the all-encompassing fiery passion that has arousal burning like an inferno in your belly, needing him so badly you think you might die if you don’t feel him inside you.

Wouldn’t that be a way to go? Dying of desperation from not getting Joel Miller’s dick—sounds kind of nice compared to the alternatives in today’s world.

You’ve also never been with someone his age.

There was this girl a little older than you that you met on your travels—you don’t find very many friendly people out in the wilds, and she joined you for maybe a week before she headed west toward Seattle. She told you one evening, as you sat by a fire under the stars together, that hands down, the best sex she ever had was with an older guy who was in his early thirties when the outbreak happened. She went on about how generous he was in actually making her come and that he knew exactly what to do; the entire experience was apparently life-changing. She swore she’d never get with anyone younger again, and you were intrigued.

When you asked her if it was weird fucking a guy old enough to be her father, she gave you a funny look, and you’ll never forget what she said:

“Ain’t nothing weird about two consenting adults having a good time.”

She had a point.

When Joel showed up at your door looking so incredibly handsome soon after you moved to Jackson, the conversation with that girl came to mind, and you decided to see if she was right, and dear god, this man in his late fifties has ruined you for anyone else—he was the first person to go down on you, he was the first person other than yourself to get you off, he was the first person to come inside you; the last one was an accident and it shocked you how much the risk turned you on.

You can’t imagine being with anyone else after him.

The kissing heats up, practically all tongues at this point, Joel’s straining cock beneath the towel pressing against you, and it’s always incredibly sexy the way he knows just what you need without you having to say a word—in less than a minute, he's stripped you of all your clothes, and has you on your back in the middle of his mattress, Joel on his knees between your spread legs, and leaning down, with your pebbled nipple sucked between his lips.

He has both of your breasts in his hands while he laves at one and then the other, the nibble of his teeth on the sensitive buds causing your pussy to weep for him, your fingers clutched in his damp, grey hair.

"Oh my god, Joel," you moan.

He loves worshipping your tits, and if you let him, he’ll play with them for hours; the problem is today, you’re on a time crunch since you have dinner plans, and you want a chance to make him feel good, too.

Your hands tug on his messy waves to get his attention, saying, "Let me suck your dick."

His head lifts, and you're met with dark eyes, his lips shiny with spit. The cool air hitting your wet skin causes goosebumps to rise.

"You want my dick in your mouth?" he asks.

“Yes, please.”

“Okay.” He grunts as he pushes himself up to kneel. He’s still wearing the towel, which is tenting in the front.

You eagerly sit up and get on your knees, shuffling toward him, and when you’re close enough, he can’t seem to help himself, his palms holding your face as he passionately kisses you. Your hands snake between your bodies to unwrap the towel around his waist, tossing it to the side without a care, and you wrap your fingers around his length that’s hard as steel and velvety smooth, feeling hot to the touch.

He nips at your bottom lip when he ends the kiss, and without another word, you’re moving back enough to get on all fours, holding your weight on one arm while your other hand grips around the base of him, and then he’s in your mouth—his girth has you opening as wide as you can, your lips stretching to their limit. He’s heavy on your tongue, taking more and more of him as you bob your head.

“That’s it, baby,” he groans. “Fuckin’ love that mouth of yours.”

Saliva is dribbling down his shaft, lubricating every stroke of your palm over what can’t fit in your mouth, his large hand guiding your head up and down his dick.

“Spit on it,” he commands. You hover your lips over him, gathering saliva on your tongue, and looking up at him through your lashes as you let it drip onto the tip of him—his pupils are blown so wide, there’s hardly any brown remaining, a gorgeous pink flush crawling up his chest and neck to paint his stubbled cheeks.

He’s watching you, his chest rumbling when you take him back into your mouth and fondle his sack in your palm.

When you first met, you were pretty inexperienced when it came to sex—you’d only slept with two men, and it hadn’t been very pleasurable on either occasion. Then Joel came along and showed you how good it could be and let you experiment to figure out what you did and didn’t enjoy. He also walked you through what he liked, which is why you know how he’s going to respond as you suck him off and gently tug on his balls. “Fuucckk,” he says in a drawn-out moan, and it has electricity dancing down your spine that you’re making him feel so good.

You go back to jerking him, your hand moving easily, twisting on the upstroke along his spit-slick cock, while bobbing your head, feeling him slide along the broad flat of your tongue to hit the back of your throat—you’re making appreciative noises that vibrate against his skin, loving him in your mouth, and how vocal he is in his enjoyment, Joel groaning, his breaths getting heavier, and slowly thrusting his hips.

You come off of him, licking a stripe from root to tip, tracing a bulging vein with your tongue, and circling the sensitive edges of the head. His cock throbs in your hand as you hold it out of the way to go lower and suck one of his balls into your mouth, massaging it with your tongue before giving the second the same treatment.

His voice is a deep baritone, the words thick with desire. “You’re so fuckin’ good to me.”

Licking back up, you swirl around the tip and sink down again, hollowing your cheeks.

His hand easily covers yours low on his shaft to keep it and himself still, his other palm going to the back of your head. “Choke on it, baby—take it down that pretty throat.”

This time when he fills your mouth and hits the back of your throat, you relax, swallowing around him, taking as much of him into the tight space as you can, and there’s enough of him that won’t fit for your fingers to wrap around—his other hand clutches your hair as he keeps your head from moving, your eyes watering, drool spilling from the corners of your lips, while his hard cock fills your throat. You’re doing the best you can to breathe through your nose.

He’s panting. “That’s fuckin’ it—so fuckin’ beautiful with my dick down your throat.” His fingers go around your neck to feel it bulge. “You love havin' my cock fillin' you, don’t you? Your pussy, your throat, you're hungry for it and can't get enough 'cause no one can make you feel as good as I do, isn’t that right?” You moan in agreement, his shaft pulsing on the flat of your tongue. “God, you make the prettiest noises for me.”

You swallow around him, and his punched-out groan has your cunt clenching hard on nothing, a layer of slick coating your inner thighs.

“Stop,” he orders, pulling you off of him and causing you to sputter. “I’m not comin’ in your mouth.”

The statement has a sharp spike of arousal erupting low in your stomach because you know this means he’s going to finish inside you, and it has you wanting him with every fiber of your being.

He gets you up on your knees, holding your chin as he smashes his lips to yours, his tongue slipping inside where he sucks on your own. Your heart is hammering in your chest, moaning as the fingers of his free hand pinch and roll your stiff nipple, and you’re trying to convince your lungs that you’ll be okay without oxygen for another minute when his mouth suddenly leaves yours. Your chin is still cradled in his palm, Joel’s breaths coming out hard as he shoves his face against the side of yours and lightly bites the apple of your cheek before his lips are at your ear.

The sides of your faces are touching, his stubble prickling against your skin. “Now what?” he asks. Anticipation has you practically vibrating. “You got to suck my dick, what do you want now? You’re in charge—my fingers? Want me to eat your pussy? Or my cock without me loosenin’ you up so you’ll feel it tomorrow?” He smacks your ass with his other palm, and you gasp. “Tell me.”

Joel is very well-endowed, especially in terms of girth, and he’s aware of this fact; unless you tell him not to, he always gets you off before he fucks you, so it relaxes your muscles and makes it easier to take him. Right now, you need him inside you too much to have the patience for any more foreplay, so be it if you’re a little uncomfortable tomorrow.

You swallow before you answer. “Dick, please.”

“How do you want it?”

“Your choice.”

“You got it, baby.”

He grabs a handful of your asscheek, then gives it a spank and kisses your cheek, letting go of your chin to slide his fingers through the slick lips of your sex, his face coming into your line of sight.

It’s clear in his darkened eyes how much he wants you.

“You get so fuckin’ wet for me,” he says and presses two thick fingers inside you, your mouth falling open when he starts pumping. The tips press into something magical you can never reach, no matter how many times you try. “This needy pussy can’t get enough of my dick,” he continues. “You want it? Want me to stretch you open? Make you feel it tomorrow and come so deep in your sweet little cunt I’m drippin’ from you for days?”

He has you feeling so hot you think you might combust.

“Yes.”

A quick kiss is pressed to your lips. “Hands and knees,” he orders, slipping his fingers out of you.

His way of helping you get into position is manhandling you until your hands and knees sink into the mattress with him behind you—he fucked you hard face down, ass up the night before, and you’re wondering if he’s going to give you an encore.

His fingers dig into your asscheeks as he spreads them and spits on your pussy, feeling the hot saliva start to drip, and hearing him repeat the action on his digits, that he uses to wet his cock. Joel slides himself through your folds and presses to your entrance, your hips pushing back enough to engulf the tip of him—a palm lands on your ass with a loud smack, the sting causing your head to fall forward between your shoulders with a moan, his other hand firm on your waist to stop your movements.

“Don’t be greedy,” he grumbles, slapping your ass again. “I gotta go slow so I don’t hurt you.”

You whine because you want him inside you already.

“You’re real fuckin’ needy today,” he says and slowly begins pushing in. There’s a slight burn as your tight walls stretch around him to accommodate his size, the ache in your core dissipating with every inch he feeds into your pussy. “Jesus Christ,” his tone is strained. “You’re so much tighter when I don’t make you come first—you’re chokin’ me.” Your fingers are clawing at the bedspread, your heart’s pounding, and sweat is starting to bead on your skin. There’s one word repeating over and over in your head: Big.

He takes his time; the seconds that tick by feel like hours, and once he’s fully sheathed inside you, you let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding in—the familiar fullness satisfies the overwhelming need you had and has something purring in the back of your mind that this is right; it’s perfect how he fills you. He was right; there’s no one else on the entire planet who could satisfy you like he does.

His large palm slides halfway up your spine. “You’re doin’ great for me, baby,” he rasps. “Takin’ me so well. Now, I’m gonna make you feel good.”

And the fact you know he is has your cunt throbbing incessantly around him.

His hands hold your waist, and he does an experimental thrust, your answering moan encouraging him to start moving—he’s slow at first, rocking his hips and letting you feel every ridge and vein on his thick cock as it moves in and out of you.

He’s pressing into heavenly spots you didn’t know existed before him, loving how deep in your depths he reaches. The waves of arousal he’s coaxing from you is soaking his dick and easing his movements.

“God, I love bein’ inside you,” he says and slaps your ass; you clamp down on him, and he groans. “You feel so damn good—fit me like a fuckin’ glove.”

You fuck yourself back on him as you whine, “It’s yours!”

He grits through his teeth, “Yes. It. Is.” Punctuating each word with a hard thrust that knocks the wind from your lungs. “It’s. Mine. You’re mine.”

His rhythm speeds up, a steady slap of his hips against yours that echoes in the room, Joel grunting with each stroke and your moans coming unbidden. Your ass is jiggling from the onslaught, your head is dizzy with pleasure, and heat is growing at the base of your spine, threatening to explode.

This is how you like it, getting fucked senseless.

You squeak in surprise when gun-calloused fingers grip your upper arms at the bend of your elbows and pull you up, making you arch your back, Joel tugging you back each time he thrusts forward, pounding into you hard enough your eyes roll back in your head, and your mouth opens in a silent cry—his rough sounds are slipping through his bared teeth and obscene squelching is coming from where he’s fucking into you at an unforgiving pace.

You’re quivering around him, your entire body shaking, quaking, as he pummels a spot that’s making stars dance behind your eyelids, the muscles in your belly tightening, winding, building you up higher and higher. Your skin is hot and buzzing like every nerve in your body is lit up, a thin layer of sweat coating the entirety of it.

His breathing is ragged, and he grits out the question, “Are you gonna come for me?” He doesn’t slow down. “I can feel you squeezin’ me—I know you’re close.”

His hands have an iron grip on you. Noise finally leaves your lips in stuttered moans, and you’re losing your mind at how fucking good it feels—you’re not going to last much longer.

“Once you go,” he says, “you’re takin’ me with you, and I’m fillin’ you up.”

The reminder has white-hot pleasure scorching in your abdomen, and you’re coming undone, shouting his name as your climax hits and euphoria takes over every molecule in your body.

A choked sound comes from behind you, and you get pulled back flush to him, Joel’s arm locking over your chest with his hand squeezing one of your tits while the other wraps around your throat, his lips pressing to your ear as he raggedly groans “There we fuckin’ go.” His teeth sink into your earlobe as his hips stutter, and he buries himself one last time as far as he can in your depths, whining as he comes—his cock pulses and twitches hard as he releases deep inside you, spurts and spurts of his come filling your inner walls.

There’s a chance you’ve left Earth with how you feel like you’re floating, your brain completely empty of thoughts—you’re not sure you could think if you even tried, let alone move.

You register being laid down on your side and the warm body curling around your back; an arm is over your middle, and your breast is being held in a large palm, feeling so relaxed you think you might fall asleep.

A minute passes.

Five.

Ten.

There’s a loud snore behind you.

“Joel?” It’s embarrassing how it comes out as a croak.

No response—of course, there’s no response, his left ear is pressed to the mattress, and he can barely hear out of the right. You rub your hand along his arm and lightly tap it.

He goes eerily quiet, and you know he’s awoken, but he’s taking a second to assess where he is. Joel sits up a little. “Somethin’ wrong, honey?”

Your torso slightly twists toward him, looking over your shoulder. His eyes are filled with concern when they meet yours.

“Nothing’s wrong,” you reassure him and pat his forearm. “You fell asleep, and we can’t be late meeting Ellie. Otherwise, she’ll come looking for us, and we don’t need to scar the poor girl with her finding out her dad has a very active sex life.”

He snorts, his lips turning up. “She’s not dumb—she knows why I’m at your place every night.”

“She assumes the reason you come over—it’s one thing to assume and another to know for sure, and the second one, when it happens, will probably make her puke and then look at you with disgust for a while.”

He frowns, and you can tell he’s thinking hard. “I never brought women around Sarah…” he says. “I mean, when she was older, she knew, on the incredibly rare occasions I did, that I was goin’ on dates, but that was all. I never had long-term girlfriends.”

That’s something you’re aware of. He’s told you about some of his previous relationships, including Tess. When he was younger, before the world ended, he only had a few girlfriends that didn’t last long and a lot of one-night stands; Sarah’s mom was a fling in his early twenties who disappeared as soon as their daughter was born—she didn’t want to be a mother at such a young age, and only had the baby because she couldn’t stand the guilt of the alternative.

“Oh, so Ellie knowing me and being aware we’re together is new territory for you. How does that make you feel?”

“Real fuckin’ lucky I found someone she likes and who understands that she’s my top priority—the other women I dated couldn’t stand playin’ second fiddle to Sarah even though I was always upfront that she came first before anyone else, the same thing I told you from the get-go about Ellie.”

“And that makes complete sense to me. I know I’m important to you, but it’s different; she’s your child, who you’re responsible for, so she takes precedence. After all the shit she’s been through, it’s great she found a father who loves and cares about her so much.”

He smiles. “And that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you—you get it and were more than willin’ to be with me in secret to protect her.”

You smirk. “True, it didn’t hurt that the sex is fucking spectacular, too.”

He chuckles, and you find yourself on your back with him half on top of you, happily kissing you.

Your words are muffled against his lips. “I need to ask you something.”

There’s one last kiss, then his pretty face hovers over yours.

“What do you wanna ask that’s more important than me kissin’ you?”

“Something that I need to know after everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours.”

His mouth downturns, and his eyebrows furrow. “Is somethin’ wrong…?”

“No, no, everything’s great,” you tell him and slide your fingers through the curls above his ears. “Has your feelings on children changed? Like, in terms of having more…?”

From the beginning, he was clear that he didn’t want any more kids, and it stressed him out whenever he accidentally finished inside you; you’d think that would put him off sleeping with you again, but he couldn’t stay away, and told you, when asked what would happen if you got pregnant, that you’d figure it out and you didn’t need to worry about him abandoning you—the last part always made you wonder how he’d be involved in your baby’s life with Ellie unaware you were together, and the only thing you could imagine was out in public, Joel taking on the role of your close friend your child calls their uncle, which is pretty depressing to think about.

He’s got an arm beside your head, holding himself up, and his other palm strokes along your cheek, his eyes softening.

“A lot has changed since I met you—you’ve turned my world on its head, sweetheart.” He smiles. “I know I swore I’d never bring another life into this world after losin’ Sarah, but Ellie came along, and I love gettin’ to be a dad again.” The fond look on his face is proof of that. “I really do. She’s a pain in my ass, but I love her, and now that we’re done hidin’ and can finally have a life with everyone knowin’ we’re together, there won’t be any doubt that it’s my baby if you got pregnant.”

Something about that excites you that he wants it to be clear he’s the father of your kid—for a second, you imagine what a child with him would look like, and it makes your heart squeeze at the thought of seeing tiny versions of his eyes and cheeks; would they inherit his elusive dimple?

“I know I’m too fuckin’ old to be takin’ care of a newborn,” he continues, “but I like the idea of havin’ one with you, and I think you’d love it. You’re so good with Ellie and all those little kids you teach. I can tell you want one of your own, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

He smiles.

“Yeah, you do. You’d be a great mom. When I realized I was gonna talk to Ellie the other day and tell her about us, I thought this was somethin’ I could give you; it’s some kind of future, maybe not what you deserve, but it’s what I can offer. And it’s reassurin’ you’re gonna live a helluva lot longer than I will, so I know that if anythin’ happens to me, my children will still have their mother, along with Ellie, who I think would love bein’ a sister. So, to answer your question, yes, my feelings on havin’ more children has changed, but only with you—you’re the only woman I’d want to have a baby with.”

This revelation has you beyond excited—you’d love to have a child with him.

“It’s crazy that yesterday I didn’t know how to define what our relationship was—I knew I loved you, I just wasn’t sure if you felt the same, and today, we’re officially a couple and talking about having babies. At this rate, I’ll be moving in with you tomorrow.”

“Do you wanna?” he asks, looking completely serious.

Your eyes widen as you stare. “What? I was joking, Joel.”

“And I’m not jokin’, especially about havin’ you here all the time. I don’t want us livin’ separately if we do the baby thing, and you know I’m almost done remodelin’ the garage out back into an apartment for Ellie.”

Joel was pretty upset the night he came over after Ellie asked about having her own living space. It happened two or three months into seeing each other, and he’d been distraught that she was at an age where she wanted more independence and didn’t want to spend as much time with him now that she had friends—something else he never got to experience with Sarah and it really twisted the knife in his gut. There was no way the town council would give a teenager a house, so Joel agreed to convert the garage into an apartment for her.

“Are we moving too fast?” you ask.

When you say out loud everything that’s happened in the last day and your plans for the near future, it sounds like you’re moving too fast, but it doesn’t feel that way.

His eyebrow rose. “Baby, we could die tomorrow. Life these days is too fuckin’ uncertain to be worryin’ about movin’ too fast, and we should do what makes us happy.”

He’s right, and it isn’t a bad idea…

“I’ll only agree to move in if Ellie says it’s okay.”

Your response has Joel chuckling as he kisses you.

“Wait, I have another question,” your words are said into his lips.

His mouth breaks away from yours as he sighs and presses his forehead to yours.

“I love you more than anythin’, but can I please kiss you without interruptions?”

“If you answer this question, we can make out—with tongue.”

His head lifts, and he looks confused. “It’s not makin’ out if there isn’t tongue.”

“Do you wanna make out or not?”

His expression turns grumpy. “Yes, so ask your damn question.”

“What would you have done if you opened the door in just your towel, and it was Sandra instead of me?”

“I would’ve shut the fuckin’ door—now kiss me. I was promised tongue.”

Snow.

So much fucking snow.

Ellie hated winter in Boston, but Jackson? It’s a new kind of hell with how much of the freezing, white bullshit falls from the sky to blanket everything. On the days when she’s assigned the job of shoveling walkways down the main streets of the town, she wishes the bite on her arm had done her in—a dark thought, yes, but that’s how much she despises doing it.

The only positive thing about getting sick was not having to work; the biggest negative was Joel and how he was worrying so much he wouldn’t leave her the fuck alone. Yeah, it’s sweet, or whatever, that he cares so much, but this guy literally watched her sleep—he sat at the window seat in her room every night to keep an eye on her, and if she woke up, which happened a lot from the coughing, he was there at the side of her bed asking if she needed anything, and touching her forehead to check her temperature.

Thank god, his secret girlfriend came by when she did because Ellie was so close to stabbing him if he asked her how she was feeling one more time; her friends kept her sane the next day when they checked in on her, and luckily, by then she was pretty much over her sickness, and Joel had finally started to chill the fuck out.

That night, she thankfully got to sleep alone in her room, and it wasn’t surprising when she heard the third step down the staircase loudly creak—she’d tried everything, and there was no way to step on it without it making noise—a sign Joel was going across the street.

Oh, Ellie figured out something was going on between Joel and their across-the-street neighbor not too long after she moved in.

What tipped Ellie off was one day she was walking home after work and had almost arrived at their house when she saw the two of them chatting at her and Joel’s front door. Nothing fishy about that, right? Wrong. Joel was smiling as he spoke to the woman, and it wasn’t one of his fake, polite smiles he does when he’s trying to make himself look less scary and somewhat approachable; no, this was a genuine smile, with some teeth showing, and a rare sighting of the dimple in his cheek—it makes her gag to even think this, but she’d call the smile, charming.

Yuck.

Who wants to think about the guy that’s basically their dad trying to charm someone?

Disgusting.

If the smile wasn’t suspicious enough, the moment he spotted Ellie, it suddenly disappeared—why wouldn't Joel want her seeing him being so friendly with the new neighbor? Probably because he was hiding something; she’ll admit it also could’ve been so she didn’t tease him about having a crush, but the thing is, she wouldn’t have, which is really fucking surprising with how much shit she gives him.

See, she’s not stupid; she knows Joel’s made taking care of her his life’s purpose since they left Boston and that he loves her as if she were his own kid; not to get mushy, but she loves the grumpy fucker, too, and she wants him to be happy, like she is—he’s the reason her life is so good now, and it was time that he did something that’d make him happy. So, Ellie isn’t going to be a dick about him putting himself out there because she doesn’t want to discourage him.

Once Ellie was onto them, it was so freaking obvious that they were a thing—anytime they ran into the neighbor, Joel actually talked to her, instead of his usual one to two-word responses, he gave everyone else who wasn’t Ellie or Tommy. Joel always watched her if she was nearby and went over to her house the moment she asked him to fix something or help her—Ellie’s pretty sure a lot of the tasks were bullshit, and it was their excuse to see each other. Then there’s the damning evidence of Joel sneaking out almost every night; there was a night she got to a window in time to see him sticking to the shadows as he made his way across the street, and it confirmed everything.

He was pretty hush about his relationship with Tess—they’ve discussed her in general, and Ellie knows they had some kind of relationship; she’s just not sure if they were, you know, dating or in love. So, with Joel keeping quiet about what he’s got going on with their young neighbor, Ellie assumed he was just a private guy when it came to that stuff, and it was something they didn’t talk about, figuring if things got serious enough, he’d bring it up.

And hey, she’s hinted that she knows by inviting his secret girlfriend to eat and do stuff with them; Ellie’s even attempted to get the older woman to admit they’re together, but she wouldn’t break, no matter how hard the teen tried.

Then Ellie accidentally overslept at her girlfriend’s this morning and didn’t make it home before Joel, and now they’re both aware of the other’s love life. She won’t lie; it made her unbelievably happy that he didn’t give a single fuck she was dating a girl—he had more of a reaction to her getting a tattoo than her telling him she had a girlfriend, and she’s glad he didn’t make a big deal about it, not that she thought for a minute he wouldn’t be cool with her being with a lady since he was chill when she told him she didn’t like boys not too long after they got to Jackson; plus, the guy was really good friends with Bill and Frank, after all—he’s told her he’s glad she never got a chance to meet Bill because apparently, they would’ve caused a lot of trouble together and possibly taken over the world, which sounded pretty fucking great to her.

The snow crunches under her boots as she walks down the road on their way to the mess hall, her girlfriend, Cat, beside her, chatting about their days. Since she recovered from being sick yesterday, she had to go back to work today, and thankfully, she was assigned an easy job—animal feeding duty, which is both easy and fun.

“Shit, it’s Sandra!” Ellie hisses, grabbing Cat’s hand, “Hide!” She tugs the other girl behind a giant snow-covered bush. She peeks around it, seeing the bane of her and Joel’s existence walking up the street from the opposite direction, probably heading to the mess hall for dinner, too. The other woman is pretty far away, but Ellie doesn’t want to risk her seeing them.

“Why do we avoid Sandra again?” her girlfriend asks.

Ellie’s head turns her way; Cat’s wearing a purple beanie and an oversized navy blue coat, her dark eyes meeting Ellie’s. “God, where to start,” she says and takes a deep breath. “So, when we first moved here, Tommy and Maria tried to get Joel to go out with Sandra since they thought she was a great match for him—she’s also from Texas, pretty, widowed, and has no kids. Anyways, they tried to set them up, but Joel didn’t want to go out with her or anyone else. He was super polite when he turned her down. I guess Sandra took that as him playing hard to get, and she hasn’t left him alone since.”

“So, you avoid her, too…?”

“Oh, right—she wants to be my mom.”

“What…?”

“Yeah, every time she talks to me alone, she likes to bring up how I could use a mom, or wouldn’t it be great if I had one to take care of me and my dad—” Ellie makes a face. “—it’s always so fucking weird calling Joel that out loud.” He pretty much is her dad and she won’t correct anyone who refers to him as such, but to her, he’s Joel. “I think when she says that creepy stuff, she’s trying to get me to convince Joel to date her, but we both agree she’s nuts. Like, I overheard Joel talking to Tommy once, and apparently, some months after we got here, she came over to our house and asked if he could fix something at hers, and he went because Joel might be a bit of a grumpy dick, he’s still a good guy, and she kissed him and was all over him—you get the picture—and he got the fuck out of there, and isn’t as polite when he tells her to leave him alone now.”

“He’s made it clear he’s not interested, and she still won’t get the hint…? Does she know there are other single men in town…?”

“She only has eyes for Joel. I don’t think she’s used to men rejecting her, so now it’s her goal to get him. I mean, she’s persistent. If she sees me or him together or separately, she always talks to us; it’s awkward, and I have to tell you it’s disturbing watching someone flirt with Joel so hard—she’s not subtle at all. It’s honestly weird, and Joel is completely over it. I just don’t get why so many women in this town are into his old ass.”

Ellie has witnessed many women shoot their shots with Joel and get turned down, which is another thing that gave him and his girlfriend away—they never openly flirted, but there is a lot of friendly touching, which is out of character for Joel. The first time Ellie saw Joel open a door and guide the other woman inside with a hand on her back, she had to bite her tongue to stop herself from yelling, ‘Aha!’

“It makes no sense to me,” she continues. “This dude’s old enough to be my grandpa, he’s only got one good ear, he’s weird looking, and after a few days not showering, his feet smell so fucking bad you’ll want to chop your nose off—I swear the only reason we didn’t run into more infected while traveling is because Joel’s disgusting stench scared them away.”

Cat snorts. “You’ve mentioned how bad he smelled a lot.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t un-smell him, and it fucking haunts me.” She shudders. “Now, back on topic, Sandra creeps Joel and me the fuck out, and I’m positive his secret girlfriend would’ve murdered her by now if she wasn’t a secret.”

“Hopefully, Sandra will back off now that Joel’s relationship is no longer a secret.”

“That’d be so nice, but I’m not getting my hopes up.”

“I know you’ve never said anything, but does it bother you how young his girlfriend is?”

Ellie’s eyebrows furrow. “Why would it bother me?” she asks. “She’s an adult and can do whatever she fucking wants. I mean, I don’t understand why she’d willingly choose to be with such an old, ugly, grumpy man, but that’s her deal, and she’s pretty cool. I’m just glad Joel got with someone I like and get along with.” A horrible thought comes to her. “God, imagine if he had started dating Sandra, and I had to pretend to like her and not be weirded out by her trying to be my mom? Yeah, who gives a fuck that his girlfriend is closer to my age than his, she’s not weird and makes him happy, and that’s all that matters.” Something pops up in her brain, and she smiles. “Oh my god, Cat—” She grabs the other girl’s arm and shakes it in excitement. “—what if they had a kid? I could be a sister!” That’d be amazing. She’s always wanted a sibling. Her hands go still, and her eyebrows pull together; she’s lost feeling in the tip of her nose with how cold it is. “Wait,” she starts, “is Joel too old to have a baby? Like, I mean his stuff—” She gags. “—you know what I’m talking about. Does it go bad with age? He’s really fucking old.” Cat’s trying hard not to laugh, her gloved palm over her mouth, and Ellie shoves a finger at her. “Don’t make fun of me for not knowing! What I learned in school was pretty basic, so I know how babies are made—revolting, by the way—there’s just a lot of shit they didn’t explain in detail, and don’t get me started on the awkward as fuck conversation Joel tried to have with me when I started hanging out with Dina and Jesse.” Jesse was the first boy her age she befriended in Jackson.

“The one where in the middle of him telling you boys will say anything to get into your pants, you shouted that you didn’t like boys?”

“Ugh, yes, and then he asked me if I liked girls, and I wasn’t completely sure, so I answered maybe, and he said—” She lowers her voice to try and mimic his. “‘Well, shit, I don’t know what the sex talk is for my daughter likin’ girls’—” She spoke normally again, “You know what, I’m actually impressed with what he pulled out of his ass.” He ensured she really understood what consent is and walked her through what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

“To answer your question, Joel isn’t too old to have a kid.”

Ellie grins. “Wicked.” She looks around the bush to check if the coast is clear. “Looks like she’s gone. Let’s get out of here.”

When they get to the mess hall, the mood is… weird.

There’s a lot of whispering and people sneaking looks in the same direction. It only takes her a second to figure out what’s stealing everyone’s attention, and her nose crinkles at the sight.

“Cat?” She’s still staring, the other girl standing beside her.

“Yeah?”

“Am I seeing things, or is Joel really playing tonsil hockey with his not-so-secret girlfriend at our table?”

“Um, I can’t tell if they’re using tongue, but they’re definitely kissing.”

That’s obvious—the man and woman are sitting next to each other on one side of the table with their coats off, their upper bodies turned toward one another, and faces mashed together, Joel’s massive hand holding the side of her head.

“It’s weird feeling both happy for him and wanting to puke simultaneously.”

“I get it. Wanna see something that will make you feel better?”

She glances at her. “What is it?”

Cat nods her head toward a table. “Look.”

Her attention goes to where she indicated, finding Sandra clearly pissed off and glaring daggers at the couple making out, her hand clutching a fork so tight her knuckles are white.

Ellie is delighted and pulls Cat along to join Joel and his girlfriend.

“Please tell me,” she says, as they get to the table and start removing their gloves and jackets, “that you guys are being disgusting right now for the audience and that this won’t be a regular thing.”

Their mouths detach, Joel’s arm around the woman’s back while resting his other hand on the tabletop. There were trays of food for all four of them at each of their seats Joel must’ve gotten, Ellie noticing it was chili and cornbread night. The man looks at her with a close-lipped smile.

“It won’t be a regular thing—” he replies.

“—thank god,” she interrupts and sits down, Cat joining her.

“—in front of you,” he continues.

“That’s fine by me.”

He grabs his small bowl of dessert and slides it over to her.

“Peach cobbler!” she exclaims. “Fuck yeah!”

Not to be sentimental, but Ellie knows that every night they have dinner, and Joel passes her his dessert so she’ll have two, it’s him saying without words that he loves her—that’s just how they are; they suck at speaking their feelings, so they show how much they care for the other with random things like that.

“Thanks, Joel!” She ignores the chili and slice of cornbread and immediately starts digging into one of the cobblers.

“You’re welcome, Ellie—what took you guys so long? We were expectin’ you to be here before us.”

“We had to hide,” she says around a bite—it tastes so fucking good; peach cobbler is her favorite.

Joel's expression turns to one of concern. “Who the hell were you hidin’ from?”

Their girlfriends had started eating.

She swallows, giving him a look. “Who do you think?” She juts her thumb behind her. “Miss Crazypants over there, who—” She turns in her seat to find Sandra still looking pissed. “—might be Miss Murderpants now.”

“Stop starin’ and pointin’,” Joel hisses, and she faces him again.

Ellie rolls her eyes. “The woman annoys the fuck out of us, and you’re telling me not to be rude to her? A bit hypocritical, seeing as you’re clearly rubbing it in her face that you’re seeing someone.”

His jaw clenches. “That’s different.”

Her eyebrows dip together. “What?”

He adjusts in his chair to lean forward a little and starts whispering, “I want her to see us, so she’ll get the hint and leave us the fuck alone—I also want the whole town buzzin’ about me bein’ in a relationship tomorrow.”

“The first part of that, I get; the second bit, you lost me. It’s not like you to want to be the subject of town gossip.”

He straightens and picks up his spoon. “Don’t worry about it, and eat.”

That’s Joel speak for, ‘I’m done discussing this topic.’

“Okay, you fuckin’ weirdo,” she mumbles and takes another bite.

There’s some talking as they eat between all four of them. Joel seems incredibly interested in Cat’s hobby of tattooing people, which Ellie guesses is because she told him she was getting one. He’s probably just ensuring it’ll be safe and that she won’t have to worry about infections or whatever else could go wrong.

Ellie has completely demolished all the food on her tray and is stuffed, taking a big gulp of her water. She sets the cup down.

“So,” she begins, “how serious is this?” She points between the couple across from her. “Is this a fling? Is she moving in? Are you guys getting married? What can I expect?”

Joel swallows and wipes his mouth with a napkin, which he clutches in his fist as he lays it on the table.

“It’s serious,” he says. “We wanted to talk to you about her movin’ in.”

She figured that would be the case with how much time they spend together at night. Ellie’s not against the idea, but she also does not under any circumstance want to know what they do when they’re alone. She has an idea; she’s not dumb. She just prefers not having any solid evidence.

Ellie pushes her tray forward and crosses her arms on the tabletop.

“Here’s the deal: I’ll be fine with her moving in under one condition.”

He looks curious. “What’s that?”

“Whatever you guys do alone in the bedroom happens when I’m not home; I don’t wanna hear shit, I can’t unhear, and I absolutely do not want to see anything I can’t unsee. It’ll only have to be like that until you finish my apartment.”

He seems to be thinking it over. “Deal.”

“You assholes gonna get married?”

“We haven’t discussed that yet.”

His girlfriend says, “I’m okay with marriage.”

Joel’s head whips her way, and he genuinely looks surprised.

“Really?” he asks.

Ellie snorts because the other woman is looking at him like he’s dumb. “Yeah,” she answers. “What about you?”

“I’m okay with it also.”

“Great.” She smiles.

It’s nice to see Joel so happy and to know he’s found someone. She always worried he’d die alone; sure, he’d have her, but he deserved to be loved by someone and to get good things after all of the shit he’s been through in his long fucking life.

She glances over at Cat, who’s scraping her spoon along the inside of her dessert bowl to get whatever of the cobbler is left. She’s staring at it so intently that Ellie thinks she looks adorable, and it makes her smile.

“Oh, are those the ‘googly eyes’?” she hears Joel ask the woman beside him.

“Yep,” his girlfriend answers.

Cat takes her last bite and asks them while chewing, “What are ‘googly eyes’?”

Joel sounds a little too happy, “It’s how Ellie looks at you.”

Ellie quickly turns toward him. “I don’t have ‘googly eyes’!”

She wants to wipe the smug smile off of his stupid face. “Yes, you do.”

“No, you’re lying!”

He puts a hand over his heart. “God’s honest truth, baby girl, you stare at her with ‘googly eyes.’”

Her cheeks feel hot, and she wants the floor to swallow her whole. “This is so embarrassing.” She doesn’t want to talk about this anymore and remembers something.

Joel’s smiling. “It’s cute.” He starts drinking his water.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m cute, whatever,” she says, swatting away his words with her hand. She focuses on him, leaning over her arms on the table. “You know what would be really cute, now that you’ve got a girlfriend, and I think it’s still possible at your age, you’re pretty fucking old, though, but if it is possible, it’d be really cute if you guys had a baby.” She grins and nods her head.

Joel sputters and starts coughing hard. It takes him a moment to speak, and the look on his face is a mixture of confusion and anger.

“The hell do you mean if it’s possible at my age?!” he rumbles. ”I’m fifty-eight, not dead!”

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[thelov3lybookworm]

Journals

Summary: everyone is happy

•○●⛦●○•

Tw: heavyyyy angst, sad lil fic (literally what i named this before i came up with a title), mental health issues, depression, feeling unworthy of love, panic attack, self harm, self hate. thats all i can think of right now, but let me know if i need to add anything

A/n: based on this and this poetry by @gardenofrunar 🤭 you couldnt tell it was me could you pookie?

also, there is not really a bat boy our reader is supposed to be with, so im tagging this as all three of them. there will most probably not be a second part to this, but still, lemme know hat you all think

AND, im not trying to glorify what reader is going through in this fic. if you are going through something, please talk to someone. you are not alone, my loves ❣️

anyways, enjoyyyy!!

It was happening again.

The breathlessness was starting to creep up again on her.

And the worst part wasn't the fact that she felt like she was dying.

It was that she was alone. Again.

No one was coming. No one cared. No one would even realise she was gone until it was too late, and maybe that was a miracle.

Click.

The haze cleared slightly, and gasping for breath, Y/n stood, somehow making it to the stairs leading to her bedroom before her lungs constricted again.

She had no other option as she crumbled on the stairs, the hard wood digging into her sides and thighs.

She could not breathe.

She could not think.

She could not move.

She could not breathe.

A cruel laugh broke through her consciousness, the sound so familiar yet so foreign, Y/n could not help but sob.

You deserve this.

Azriel. It was him, no doubt. But the longer she sat there, other voices started joining in.

First Cassian. Then Mor, Rhysand. Amren.

Feyre, Nesta. Elain.

"Stop." She whispered, her hands shaking as she rose them to her ears, pressing as hard as she could. But no matter how much she tried to ignore it, the clearer the words became.

You deserve this.

You don't deserve us.

It's your own fault.

In an attempt to get away, to get some peace and quiet, she reached out, clutching the stair. The wood grains whispered against her palm, their sound lost to ears filled with taunts and laughter.

Still, she dug in her fingers, her nails screaming in protest, her heart yelling back in a horrific screech, beating loud enough to almost drown out her family.

Almost.

Pulling herself up, she reached out her hand, ignoring the pain as she did her best to haul her dysfunctional body up the hard terrain, trying to make it to her bed before she lost herself fully to the dark depths of her mind, losing all sense of her being.

Somehow, having no recollection of the climb, Y/n collapsed at the landing, her breathing erratic as she stared at the blurry paintings on the wall, gifted to her by Rhysand's mate.

Had they always been this blurry?

In the back of her mind, she realised that they were never blurry. There were just tears in her eyes, but she didn't think too much about that as she crawled forward, miraculously crossing the threshold to her room, the familiar smell of flowers Elain had gifted her last week pulling her out of her misery for a moment, enough to let her get up and stumble into the plush material of her bed before tears again erupted in her eyes.

They then came back, screaming in her ears about how much of a disappointment she was, how she deserved no happiness.

And she agreed with them.

But still, it hurt her heart to hear the people she cared for voice thoughts she only limited to the darkness of night, under the gentle presence of the moonlight.

You don't deserve happiness.

She knew the inevitable onslaught of her self hatred was about to break over her head, knew it was unavoidable and would probably have her moping for days.

Her mind started wandering, which in itself was alarming because as much as she wanted to stop thinking about her miserable life, she knew that any and all thoughts she had at these times would only work against her.

Rhys's tear stained cheeks, his bloodshot eyes and his quiet sobs as he clutched Y/n's hands between both of his, Y/n's soft cooing as she tried her best to soothe his wounds after his mother and sister's death.

As she held him after his return from under the mountain.

This was going to be a long night, she was sure.

Cassian's grumpy self refusing to eat after one of the Illyrians had again bullied him for not being good enough. Y/n's cheeks aching from how hard she was trying not to smile as she tried to convince the overgrown illyrian to eat something.

Azriel's shaky hands as she held onto him after a particularly bad nightmare that usually started keeping him up around the time his hands were burned, the anniversary o the time where an innocent little boy realised that the world was filled with cruelty.

Y/n being the first one to find out about Mor's liking in women and helping her sneak out to meet her lovers.

Y/n dragging gallons of fresh blood to Amren's apartment under the cover of the night when she knew the ancient being hadn't had the time to feast.

Her hands scrambled to find something to tether herself to, to remind her that this was not real and that it would pass. That her family did love her, and that they would never hurt her or want her to think this way of herself.

They would never hurt her the way she hurt herself.

They just wouldn't... would they?

Rhys's wide smile as he admired his mate while she spoke to a grinning Cassian, who in turn turned to Azriel to tease the blushing Illyrian. Mor, giggling over her glass of wine as she mumbled something to Elain, Nesta and Amren conversing in hushed tones next to the window, happiness shining on both their faces.

And Y/n watched on, huddled in her own little corner as she gulped down another glass of champagne, trying to focus on the burn in her throat as the liquor travelled down. Trying not to think of the way her breathing started coming in shorter pants, her lungs constricting in the too small rib cage that were set on killing her.

Trying to ignore the tang of copper in her mouth as she bit her own tongue, not wanting to speak and draw attention to herself, to ask for help because she was too unused to suffering in silence. Her family had always been there, and she had never had to go even a day without their constant nagging. She always had at least one of them guiding her through the worst of her days.

Trying not to think of how no one even glanced up as she exited the room, tears prickling her eyes, feeling like she was nothing but an intruder, watching from outside the warmth of the house, standing knee deep in the cold snow as she tried her best to keep warm by looking at the happy faces of her family, no matter how much she was freezing on the inside.

Her fingers curled around the lumpy material of her comforter, and she pushed forward, trying to ignore the tears that rolled down her warm cheeks and buried her head in the soft fabric.

And then let out the ear piercing scream she had been holding in, uncaring that she had let down the sound shield around her room.

She knew no one was around to hear.

She knew no one would come.

They were all too happy to worry.

Her stomach was grumbling, and she was glad it was because otherwise it would've been the cause for concern, considering she hadn't eaten in almost a day.

She was still so tired and wanted to do nothing but lay in bed all day and cry, but she needed to eat too.

And so here she was, chopping up some vegetables in a daze, not really paying attention despite wanting to focus on something that took her mind off of her thoughts.

It was not easy to stop thinking, so when suddenly the fog in her mind cleared, she glanced down.

The red of her blood was bright, and the longer she stared, the quicker the pain came, but it was only a tiny sting, nothing more than the bite of an ant in the shape of a knife.

She stared, and stared.

And then, she lifted her eyes, her gaze settling on her dagger, unprompted.

She smiled.

Writing was one of the parts of Y/n's responsibilities. Writing a letter to help the relations between the courts. A report for the high lord.

It was one of the things that broke her out of her own mind's torture, one of the things that made her feel like she wasn't entirely useless.

So here she was, just scribbling away senseless words in her journal, knowing she would hide it away before anyone saw it. Saw the blood stains.

For the first time in weeks, she was smiling, no tears to be found in her eyes as she lay on her stomach on the bed, her legs in the air behind her as she began doodling little flowers in the corner of the page, her inkpot next to her and her dagger in her other hand.

She went to dip in her feather pen in the ink, frowning a little as it created spots of ink on the crumpled paper, mixing with the dark red liquid that still dripped slowly from her fingers, little rivulets running down from her wrist.

As she continued, a tap on her mental walls had her pausing, and after a brief conversation with Rhys, she got up, closing her journal and beginning to clean the cuts on her wrist and around the journal and then donning a flowy, simple white gown.

It wasn't long before a knock sounded at her door, and she hurried to open it to find Cassian standing on her front porch, smiling.

"Hey Y/n, Rhys asked me to pick you up-"

Y/n nodded. "Yes I know, let me just grab my things and then we can go."

He shrugged, leaning against the doorframe.

She ran up the stairs and to her bedroom, grabbing the little bag she had put all her pens and previous reports into, deciding to carry them with her just in case.

She hurried back out within a few moments, but she saw that Cassian had moved, standing near the gates. Which was suspicious, but not too alarming as she stepped onto the porch.

"Let's go."

Before she shut the door Y/n turned and glanced around the house for the last time. Why, she didn't know. But she couldn't shake the feeling in her gut that something was wrong.

And she had known to always trust her gut.

But she turned around, locking the door before leaving.

Not realising her journal was missing from the table.

"I really don't want to pressure you too much Y/n, so if you don't want to be a part of this research, I understand-"

"Rhys, this is no burden. I'm actually honoured you even considered me for this project."

His brows furrowed, his smile turning confused. "What are you talking about Y/n? You're one of the smartest people I know. Of course you are included-" he trailed off, his eyes filling with understanding. "How have you been Y/n?"

Y/n blinked, pretending not to understand what he meant by that. Of course Rhys knew she struggled with feeling worthy of her family, and of course he made that connection.

"I've been good, Rhys." Y/n mumbled, an easy grin on her face as if Rhys's concern was ridiculous.

"Have you had any recent episodes-"

"Guess what I found!"

He paused, both their heads turning to where Cassian's booming voice floated through the cracked door.

Y/n's whole body ran cold, and before she could even question the reaction of her body to something that wouldn't have concerned her before, she was stumbling out the door, following Cassian's voice to the sitting room, where everyone else was gathered.

Cassian was grinning as he explained to them how he had gone to pick Y/n's up from her house, and how he found-

Her secret diary.

Y/n's eyes widened, her legs refusing to move as her gaze locked on the book Cassian held in his hand.

"Oh, look, she's here too!" He turned to her, his expression carefree and inviting. "Never knew you had a diary Y/n. What will I find if I read through it? Your secret lover's name? His-"

"Cass." Y/n warned, finally getting herself to move forward as he danced back, his hands beginning to crack open the book.

"Will I find your secret fantasies-"

He stopped dead in his tracks, all the emotions gone from his face as he stared at the page he had opened, his features hard. Y/n waited with bated breath, her head turning to gauge everyone's reaction.

Mor sat with Nyx in her lap, bouncing him as she glanced between Y/n and Cassian. Feyre and Azriel exchanged confused glances before Azriel stood, stalking towards Cass.

Panicked, Y/n jumped forward, but before her hand could wrap around her journal, he pulled away, face pale.

"What is this?"

"None of your business."

Azriel had stopped, his eyes wide as he stared at Y/n.

That's when Y/n realised he had smelled the blood she left on the pages.

Damn it.

Y/n stepped back towards the exit as she felt all the eyes on her, panic starting to dig its claws in her gut and begin its ascent up her throat as the shadows curled around Azriel's ear and his eyes went to her wrist, covered by the long sleeves of her dress.

Y/n turned to find Rhys standing in the doorway, his eyes filled with tears.

"Why?"

She glanced once at everyone, tears starting to fill her own eyes, her face flushing in embarrassment, mad that she had started crying over nothing, and pushed past Rhys, running towards the front door.

"Y/n!"

They will be mad.

You deserve it.

Y/n fled the river house, ignoring the concerned looks thrown her way by the people on the streets as she ran straight to her house.

They hate you.

The door slammed shut behind her as she leaned against it, gasping for breath as her lungs started contracting painfully, refusing to let her breathe.

The breathlessness was starting to creep up again on her.

It was happening again.

Acotar Taglist: @bubybubsters @eos-princess @nightless @harrystylesfan2686

@cassie6392 @kennedy-brooke @tele86 @miluiel1

@hnyclover @minnieoo @sidrapotter @piceous21

@mybestfriendmademe @saltedcoffeescotch @eve175 @starsinyourseyes

@starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium @byyalady @lilah-asteria

@girlswithimagination @gardenofrunar @girlswithimagination @sunnyspycat

@artists-ally @riddlesb1tch @milswrites @berryzxx

Azriel Taglist: @darthdumbasss @foreverrandomwritings @azrielsmate3 @celestialend

@stqrgirlies-blog @tele86 @bakananya @xyzmeh

@st4r-girl-official @caraaaaugh @nacho-nat @allllium

@fandomarchiveilyd @nickishadow139

Cassian Taglist: @moonlwghts @samslittlespoon @nickishadow139

[oo-delallymrcrow]

Rehearsal

A/N: alright I caved. After only reading about this man for two days I wrote a story about him. This man has a choke hold on my life that I'd didn't think was possible but here we are....

Anyway, this is pre-war Cooper x reader. It is really fluffy but suggestive at the end. Forgive me I wrote it in five hours, haven't slept, and didn't really edit so if there's any mistakes that's why.

Plot: Cooper has feelings for reader. It really comes forward about how he feels and she feels for him when they rehearse a movie together.

Cooper Howard leaned against the railing of the porch of the house that was the backdrop to this scene, his gaze tracing the lights and people milling about. It was the perfect backdrop for the movie he'd been dreaming of – a tale of love, loss, and redemption. Ever since the divorce, it's been hard on Cooper with trying to take care of Janey and still go through with his career. That's why he was so glad to have you as his co-star.

A little more than a co-star more as a friend. Y/N has been with him through the whole divorce with Barbara. She was by his side as he sat and signed the papers. Crying with him as he did. Helping with getting Janey and watching her when he worked late. He always apologized and tried to pay her but she would never accept the money.

 “It really is no problem Cooper.” She would smile sweetly at him as she gave him some supper that she made that night. “I've told you time and time again; I love Janey like she was my own. Now eat before I hear another rumble from that stomach.”

He smiled at the memory. She was always taking care of them both. Even when Janey was staying with her mother, she still came over, offering dinner and some beer. Then staying the night just to talk. He would offer his bed for her when she started yawning and seeing that sleepy smile on her face. 

“I can't take your bed Coop. I'll just go home and sleep in my own”

“Now darlin’ what kind of gentleman would I be if I let you drive home at this hour? No ma'am, you take my bed and I'll sleep on the couch.”

She smiled, and he swore his heart skipped a bit as she did. 

“Alright but just because it would be rude after you offered so kindly.”

He smiled and led her to his room. He grabbed an undershirt and some pajama pants for her. 

Her brows scrunched in confusion as she smiled at him.

“Don't want you sleeping in your dress sweetheart. It might wrinkle,” he winked at her as she giggled and took the clothes from him. Her fingers brushing over his sent a red hue to her cheeks.

His heart skipped a beat again as she took the clothes and looked at him through her lashes. He cleared his throat after what felt like an hour as they stared at each other.

“Night sweetheart,” he whispered as he walked through the doorway, starting to close the door behind him.

“Night Coop,” she whispered back. 

He smiled at her before letting it shut.

There were a few nights when they would talk for hours and he would wake up on the couch with Y/N in his arms. He would smile and brush her hair back as he stared at her and wonder if he could do this every night.

‘I would like to.’ He would think when this happened. ‘It would be nice for him to have someone here all the time to keep him company. And Janey already has taken a shine to her.’

He would run his fingers through her hair as she sighed in her sleep and tucked her head under his chin, curling into him like she belonged there. He smiled and pressed a soft kiss to her temple.

‘Yeah, I want to have her be with me.’

Now whenever she came over that's all he could think about. How perfect she looked cooking in his kitchen. Helping put Janey to bed, telling her a bedtime story and a sweet little goodnight. How he would think about whenever she stayed the night that they could just share the bed. How he should say fuck it and kiss her. But he was a gentleman and a recent divorcé and now her fucking co-star. Like that doesn't make his feelings for her grow more.

She got the female lead role and that meant she was a love interest. His love interest, to be specific. She was so excited about working with him and Cooper loved it too. That meant more of getting to see her. But that also meant scenes that would be romantic which made his heart want to explode out of his chest.

Speaking of which, this scene that they were doing was a romantic scene. Where his character, an old cowboy whose wife and son were murdered by an outlaw, confessed his love to Y/N's character, the daughter of the mayor who turned out to be the outlaw. It was a weird ride of emotions for Cooper after everything he's been through. But by god didn't you look pretty in your costume.

Speaking of you, Y/N stepped onto the set, her presence like a burst of sunshine amidst the filming chaos. With her effortless grace and magnetic aura, she embodied her character. Destined to capture Cooper's heart on screen. 

‘And on set.’ He thought as he flashed her a smile as she walked toward him with a wide grin.

"Hey, Coop," Y/N greeted, her voice carrying a hint of excitement. "Ready to bring this scene to life?"

Cooper turned to her, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Absolutely sweetheart. Let's make magic."

That blush returned on her cheeks and it made Cooper feel a little giddy at her reaction whenever he called her that. He has been flirting with her a little more since the night he woke to them cuddling on the couch. He felt like he was able to have a second chance and by god was he going to take it. If Y/N wanted him though, that was one thing he wasn't sure of, yet.

They took their positions, the script pages fluttering in the breeze. As the cameras rolled, Cooper and Aurora slipped effortlessly into their characters, their chemistry igniting the air like fireworks on a summer night.

“Well if it isn't Mr. McLintock. What has you snooping around here? Gonna get my momma arrested next?”

Cooper smiled at the stern look on Y/N's face. She was really good with this character and Cooper loved the little quips they had improvised with their dialogue.

“Now easy there darlin’,” he drawled, raising a hand as Y/N raised the prop rifle to him. “I'm not here for anyone else. Well, not your momma at least.”

Her eyebrow raised as she cooked the hammer back. “And what would you want with me, Mr. McLintock?” 

He placed a foot on a step resting his other hand on the railing. 

“Well, I was hoping I could call upon you.”

She let put a harsh laugh, “call upon me? After you let that sheriff take my father? That's funny Mr. McLintock but I don't want you to call upon me.”

He took another step up, face to face with her now. As he stared into her eyes, he saw how they had a twinkle to them. His hand reached out and moved the rifle away from him. Her lips parted and his eyes darted down as he wet his lips before speaking his next line.

“The sheriff found that he was shot in his thigh. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?”

She gasped up at him as he got closer. She turned her head away with a shake as she whispered. 

He gently grabbed her chin and faced her back to him. She looked up at him with wide eyes and gulped.

‘Jesus this girl was gonna be the death of him.’

He licked his lips again feeling his air leave his lungs as he whispered.

“What happened?”

Her mouth opened and then closed. She looked close to crying when she answered his question. With each line delivered, Cooper found himself lost in Aurora's eyes, her passion igniting a fire within him. Together, they danced through the dialogue, each word infused with emotion and depth.

“He-he was going to kill you John. I heard him talking to his old partner. He said he was going to get you before you got him and I-”

Y/N reached up and placed her hands on his cheeks. She took a step closer, leaving no room between them as she whispered up to him.

“I couldn't let him kill you John. I-I didn't want to lose you.”

Cooper felt his heart thudding against his chest. He felt like he was going to have a heart attack with how fast his heart was going. He knows this was just a part of the script but with how close they were. Cooper couldn't handle the intensity in her eyes. In that moment, time seemed to stand still. They were no longer the two charactersthey portrayed, but Cooper and Y/N – two souls intertwined in a story as old as time.

He wrapped his arm around her waist while his other hand was on her cheek. He leaned in closer as he said his last line.

“You'll never lose me sweetheart.”

As the scene reached its climax, their lips met in a tender embrace, sealing their characters' fate with a kiss that spoke volumes of love and longing. But even more than that, Cooper was confessing his love to Y/N through this kiss. Hoping that she would understand his passion and love for her through it. He heard a small moan come from her as he ran a hand down her side and her arms wrap around his neck. It made his hat tip up at an angle as they kissed but he didn't mind. Not when she ran her fingers through his hair.

The director called cut all too soon, and the spell was broken. Cooper and Y/N pulled away, their breaths mingling in the air. For a moment, they lingered in silence, the weight of their performance hanging between them like a veil.

"Wow," Y/N breathed, breaking the silence with a small smile. "That was... incredible."

Cooper nodded, his pulse still racing. "Yeah, it was."

They shared a moment of understanding, a silent acknowledgment of the magic they'd created together. In that studio, amidst the chaos of people and equipment, Cooper and Y/N had found something truly special – a connection that transcended the confines of the silver screen.

“Alright everyone that's a wrap for today. Cooper, Y/N, nice work today you both had a lot of chemistry and I want to see the same thing for tomorrow's shoot.”

Y/N nodded with a smile as Cooper gave a quick alright before the director walked away.

Cooper turned to Y/N to ask a question when she beat him to it.

“Are you bust tonight?”

Cooper shook his head, “not at all sweetheart. Why do you wanna do another dinner date?”

Y/N smiled and stepped closer to him and he placed his hands on her waist to hold her steady. 

“Something like that.”

She bashfully said as she looked up through her lashes again. This time though, Cooper could see the loving warmth and the burning of lust in them. It made Cooper's breath catch as he glanced at her lips and back to her eyes. He saw her eyes move down to his lips and then trail down his body. Biting at her bottom lip she sighed as she caught his gaze and ran her hands up his torso to grab the bandana around his neck. She tugged it slightly to bring his mouth close to hers. Just as their lips were about to meet, she smiled.

“Make sure to leave room for dessert,” she purred and turned away from him as she walked off the set. Cooper's breath left him in a rush as he realized he was holding it the whole time. His gaze caught hers as she looked back with a smile and a wink before sauntering out. His mouth turned up in a smirk as he hurried off the set as well.

‘Damn sweetheart.’

[mrsbuckybarnes1917]

6: A FINE LINE

Previous chapter < MASTERLIST > Next chapter

You and Bucky deal with the fallout of the undercover mission.

Word count 2.7k

Warnings: Nightmares, angry girlfriends, Steve and Nat being besties to idiots

You were blissfully oblivious to the world while you slept for the whole quinjet flight, waking only as the small plane touched down the runway outside the compound.

"Sorry," Bucky grimaced as you woke with a gasp.

"Are we home?" 

You turned to look at him. As he nodded, you noticed the dark circles under his eyes, accentuated by the lines of worry across his forehead. He was looking at you with so much apprehension, that you almost reached out to comfort him. Almost. The memories of the previous night came flooding back and sadness filled your heart again.

"How're you feeling?" he asked.

You ignored his question in favor of your own. "Did you fly all the way back without stopping?"

"Yeah," he nodded, his chest swelled with pride that you had noticed what he had done for you.

"That was a dangerous thing to do. You're exhausted." Bucky's face fell but you continued to chastise him anyway. "What if something happened? Are you trying to get us both killed?"

The long sleep had done nothing to improve your mood, you felt sluggish and now you were hungry to boot.

Bucky opened and closed his mouth a few times, before the word ‘sorry' came out in a whisper. "I don't want to hurt you."

"But you did."

The uncomfortable silence between you was broken by a crackle on the radio. "Everything okay in there?" Steve's voice sounded over the radio. 

"Yes!" you answered, hitting the button to open the aft exit hatch.

You stood up, the blanket fell off your shoulders and sent a shiver down your spine. You were still only wearing a bikini. Bending down, you picked up the blanket, covering yourself and stalking out of the plane. Bucky followed a few steps behind you. 

Steve took one look at you and knew that things weren't right but he was saved the hassle of finding a polite way of letting you know how rough you looked. 

"You two look like shit!" Nat appeared from behind Steve. "Why did Tony say everything was fine?"

"We got everything we needed but… the getaway was a little bumpy and my stomach didn't do so well," you pouted.

Natasha put her arm around your waist. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up," she said, leading you away.

Once you were out of earshot of the boys, she rounded on you. "What happened out there?"

"What?" You are taken aback by the tone of her question.

"Come on, don't give me the innocent act. Something happened between you and Barnes."

You sighed deeply. Bucky's words played in your mind on a loop. You felt deflated. "Do you think I'm a bad friend?"

"Oh sweetie, no one would ever suggest anything of the sort."

"I said something, I knew he wouldn't like it. And he got really mad and said some really awful things."

"What did he say?"

You couldn't bring yourself to repeat his words, even though they were burned into your brain. For some reason, you still felt the urge to protect Bucky. Logically, you knew he didn't deserve it, but your heart, the stupid organ that loved him unconditionally, had more sway over you in that moment. "It doesn't matter."

You were saved from further interrogation as your stomach rumbled loudly.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up and fed. You can rest after that."

"Nat, did the intel pan out?"

"Yeah," your friend grinned at you. "You did good."

You felt a smile tug at your lips, at least you had been able to achieve something of use. Even if you had tanked your friendship in the process.

*

Meanwhile, back in the hangar bay, Steve was having a similar conversation with Bucky.

"Well I’m assuming from the way you’re both acting, something happened between you two."

"You’re a punk, you know that." Bucky huffed.

"And you’re a jerk." Steve quipped fondly.

"I was a jerk. I think I’ve ruined everything."

"What happened?"

Bucky was too ashamed of the words he had used. His soul burned with shame at the spite he had felt. He had never understood why people used the phrase ‘a fine line between love and hate’, until now. Because in that moment, for the briefest of milliseconds, Bucky had hated you; for what you’d said to him, but mostly because you didn’t love him back. He wanted to give you the world, and you wouldn’t take it. His heart was broken and you had offered to mend it, only to break it again. He would do anything to quash that feeling, shove it back inside a bottle, put a cork in it and throw it out into the deepest of oceans.

Hatred was the feeling that surrounded him as the Winter Soldier. He was hated by his keepers and hated by the world around him. Now it had crept into his soul and stained his thoughts of you. Worst of all, he hated himself for the things he had said to you.

"I think I’m going to lose her."

"Bucky, just tell her how you feel about her."

"I can’t. Not anymore, not after this."

"Bucky-"

"Would you just drop it, Steve? Why’re you so keen on this? Are you trying to get me to destroy everything so you can have her all to yourself?" Bucky rounded on Steve, unleashing his anger on the only other person who had stuck by him unyieldingly.

Steve just looked back at him, pity filling his eyes. He knew how badly Bucky was hurting. Meeting the person who you love more than anything else in life and not being able to be with them, he had suffered the same pain when he had woken from the ice, knowing that he would never get to dance with Peggy in his lifetime.

Bucky’s anger had flared suddenly and was equally as quick to dissipate, his shoulders sagging from sheer exhaustion. He had been up for almost thirty turbulence filled hours. He needed rest. Steve put a hand on his shoulder, waving away Bucky’s attempts to apologize. He guided him back to his room, requesting that FRIDAY have someone send food to his room. Steve sat on his bed, waiting while Bucky showered. Despite the powerful shower sounds coming from the bathroom, Steve could hear you and Nat talking. He couldn’t make out your words, but he heard the gravity of your tone. 

"Oh Buck," he sighed quietly.

Nat left you just before Bucky came out of the shower. Bucky looked surprised that Steve was still here.

"You need to eat." Steve pointed at the meal that someone had delivered. He started unpacking it for Bucky.

"I’m tired. I should sleep," he said pointedly, indicating that he wanted Steve to leave.

Steve picked up the sandwich and handed it to Bucky. "Eat this and I’ll leave you alone."

Bucky complied. He was good at that. He finished the grilled cheese sandwich without any enjoyment, the bread tasting like sandpaper in his dry mouth. "Happy?" he asked, gruffly.

Steve didn’t answer, leaving Bucky to the solace he sought. Not that Steve’s departure did anything to assuage the guilt that had seeped deep into Bucky’s bones. He grabbed a blanket and pillow from his bed, glancing at the door, almost as though Steve would sneak back in. When no one appeared, he spread the blanket on the floor and lay down on it, closing his eyes on the world that was filled with pain. 

Unfortunately for Bucky, his subconscious offered him no relief. His mind was tired, his emotions ruled the roost and left him susceptible for the nightmares to invade. They seeped in with stealth and gripped him like a vice.

It was midnight when a noise woke you. You startled, breathing heavily as your eyes darted around in the darkness, body immediately on high alert. It always took a few days to let the safety of your environment lull your body into a sense of security. You listened carefully for signs of disruption, but for several moments there was only silence. Just as your heart rate settled, you heard it again, much clearer this time and you knew exactly what it was and where it was coming from.

Without thinking, you shot out of bed and rapped your knuckles against Bucky's bedroom door. He didn't answer, he never did when he was like this. Fortunately, you were an old hat to this routine. You crouched on the floor, calling his name gently until his eyes opened. The moonlight flooded through his uncovered window and you moved to an angle where he could see you. Only when his eyes focused on you, did you touch him, lay a comforting hand on his arm.

Bucky sat up slowly, eyes filled with unshed tears as he gazed at you sorrowfully. The anguish in his face was unbearable and you found yourself wrapping your arms around his neck tightly. His arms wormed their way around your waist holding you in a tight embrace, one you never wanted to leave. His warmth, his sturdiness was your strength, your pillar. You needed him just as he needed you. 

You didn't have any plans on moving and Bucky made no move to let you go, but eventually your body protested. You were sitting on your lower legs and the pressure on them reduced the blood flow leading to a painful tingling which started in your toes and was spreading upwards. Maybe a little wiggle would help restore your feeling.

Your movement didn't go unnoticed by Bucky. "Are you okay?" he asked, taking his nose out of your neck. 

"My legs fell asleep," you groaned.

He chuckled in response. "Need to get up?"

You nodded, wobbling to your feet like a baby deer standing for the first time. Once you had recovered your balance and the tingling had ceased to be painful, you jumped up and down a few times for good measure. "Human body wasn't made for this. Come?" You held out your hand for him.

He took it without hesitation. "Where’re we going?" 

"Not far." You led him to the bed. "I thought we'd put a stop to this." You pointed at the floor.

"Sorry," he whispered.

You sighed, jerking your head towards the bed indicating that he should get in. Dubiously he followed your instruction, relieved that you chose to get in beside him rather than running away. He pulled the duvet up to cover your legs and you sank into the pillows beside him. It was so much easier to be close to him physically than emotionally these days.

Bucky was looking at you, you could feel his gaze but you didn't return it, not knowing what to say. He solved your problem by initiating the conversation.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. But maybe we can discuss your driving skills some time. They need some work."

"I'm sorry for…" he sighed. "For everything."

"Do you really think I'm a slut?"

"No!" His answer came back so fast, there was really no room for doubt. The way his eyes stared into yours, you could feel his regret.

After a few moments of contemplative silence you asked him another question. "Since when do you watch porn, Bucky? I mean, we used to spend all our time together. And it’s not with Steve, I know that much."

"Well sometimes, when Sam, Clint and Tony-"

"Say no more."

"I didn’t think they were realistic, but on the mission, when you started talking like that… it made me wonder if it’s real, and if I’m not doing things right. I mean, what if I’m not good enough, you know? And I was angry. I mean I know it was wrong, I knew it would hurt you. But… you hurt me and … I wanted to hurt you back." Bucky hung his head with the admission.

"I’m sorry about that… I just - it’s just, she makes me feel like I’m not your favorite person anymore and I hate that."

"You’re jealous?"

You shrug. What could you say, of course you were jealous, your insides were withering and dying from the envy that consumed you.

"But you’re never jealous of anything, or anyone!" Bucky carried on, not being able to read your expression in the darkness.

"You have to care enough to be envious of somebody."

"You care about me?" he smiled.

"If you didn’t already know that, you’re dumber than I thought."

Bucky chuckled, but it turned into a sigh. "I’m sorry for calling you a slut."

"I’m sorry for mocking your girlfriend. Just so you know, Priya seems like the kind of person who will let you know if she isn't pleased. Can't imagine she would just lie there and take it."

"Yeah she probably would. I guess you don’t get to her position without being able to speak up for yourself."

"Her position?"

"She just got promoted to head of pediatric surgery. That’s a big deal, right?"

The little green monster inside you growled angrily, amplifying your feelings of inadequacy. "Yeah, that’s pretty impressive," you answered softly. "Congratulations to her."

Bucky curled up beside you, burying his head against your shoulder. "Thanks, Cricket," he muttered, drowsily.

His voice was low and tired and a wave of guilt washed over you. He was trying. You could see how hard he was trying to be a good boyfriend and a good friend. "Go to sleep, Bucky."

"Night." It was surprising how quickly he fell asleep. Even super soldiers needed time to recover.

Once his breathing was shallow and even, you whispered back to him. "Goodnight, Bucky. I love you." You closed your eyes and joined him in slumberland.

*

"Jamie?"

Priya’s voice floated into your ear, waking you.

"Jamie!"

The bed shook as Bucky shot up from his position beside you and you opened your eyes to see a very pissed off looking girlfriend standing at the end of Bucky’s bed.

"Priya!" Bucky exclaimed.

"What’s happening here?" Her voice was quiet, forceful, dripping with anger.

"Look, it’s not what this looks like," Bucky protested.

Priya rounded on you. "Are you sleeping with him?"

"No, Priya. I’m not sleeping- we didn’t have sex," you said emphatically. "We just fell asleep, we were talking and it was two in the morning and..."

Priya’s eyes narrowed and she looked between you and Bucky. "Talking? At two in the morning? Steve said you got home yesterday afternoon."

Bucky jumped in, trying to diffuse the tension. “It’s not like that, Priya. Cricket was just… I had a nightmare and… well,” he shrugged. “We fell asleep. I haven’t had one in a long time. I know you haven’t seen what it’s like, and I’m grateful for that.”

Priya crossed her arms, clearly not buying it. "And you couldn’t go back to your own room after you woke him up from the bad dream?"

You could see the hurt in Priya’s eyes, and you felt guilty for being the cause of it. She had never been outright unkind to you, in fact she had tried being friendly, tried getting to know you. You were the one who had shut her out.

"For what it’s worth, Bucky is the most trustworthy person I know. He would never do something like that to you. I promise that nothing physical has ever happened between us. I’m not a slut. But, I’m going to go,” you said quietly, “let you guys talk."

Bucky hesitated, looking from you to Priya. His heart sank as he processed the words you had spoken, he knew he had hurt you deeply with his words and his heart ached with regret.

She sighed, her anger softening slightly. "Fine, explain."

Bucky took a deep breath, his eyes pleading with Priya. "I know this looks bad, but Cricket is just a friend, I swear. I would never do anything to hurt you."

Priya looked at him for a long moment before finally nodding. "Okay, I believe you. But don’t let it happen again, Bucky."

Bucky nodded, relief flooding his face. "I won’t, I promise."

You stood up, feeling like an intruder in their moment. "I’ll leave you two alone. I’m sorry for causing any trouble."

Priya gave you a small smile. "It’s okay, Cricket. Thank you for being honest."

As you walked out of the room, you could help but feel another pang of jealousy. Since Priya had come into your life, you were on the outside, always looking in. Would you ever be more than you'd always been?

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[thoughtidtry]

Dress pt.1 - LN

SUMMARY: Lando's best friend can't keep pretending he's not her everything. Not after missing seeing him in person for so long. PAIRING: Lando Norris X LongDistanceBestfriendfem!reader A/N: Inspired by Lando's race win and song Dress by Taylor Swift. First time publishing my fanfics so I’d love to hear what you think! Almost 2K..... I'll do a pt.2 cause I still have more thoughts on Lando with this song.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Our secret moments in a crowded room. They got no idea about me and you"

Lando couldn't stop smiling at his phone in the paddock, not when you were the one texting him. All the drivers knew about his best friend, who they never got to meet.

"She's a busy person"

He would declare anytime they teased him about meeting you or asked if you were coming to a race. It wasn't that he didn't want you to come or that he didn't want you to meet the other drivers, more he didn't want to share your time. He wasn't lying to them per se you were busy and had moved to America for university as soon as you both had graduated secondary school. It didn't matter he had never actually invited you to a race.

"I'm spilling wine in the bathtub. You kiss my face and we're both drunk"

He could remember the night or well day you left like it was yesterday. The night before your flight, he had stayed over to spend as much time with you as possible. The giggles you made sneaking back into your room after your parents had gone to bed were almost as intoxicating as the wine you had brought back. You both stayed up drinking and reminiscing over the years you had spent together.

Somehow you had both ended up in the bathroom attached to your room. Too drunk to sit let alone stand, you had made yourself comfortable in the bathtub while he was seated beside you leaning up against it. He doesn't remember what was said or how it happened, but he will never forget how soft your lips felt against his or how you sighed after the kiss with a dopey grin as if a weight had been lifted off your chest.

The next morning he woke up in your bed but you were nowhere to be seen. A note on the bedside table along with some pain meds was all that was left.

Tried to wake you to say bye before my flight, but you wouldn't wake up. I don't know how much we drank but I've got a killer headache and can't remember anything so thanks for that. Text me when you wake! Love, Y/N

You had always kept in contact but he never would tell you what happened that night. He didn't want to lose you even if that kiss would haunt him every time he closed his eyes. You managed the time difference well, never judging the other for being up or asleep at random times throughout the day.

Late-night calls when you wanted to tell him something funny between classes changed to funny things your friends had done once you graduated from university. Even the early morning drunken messages he'd get around the time he woke up were moments he cherished. He missed having you next to him. Wished you would come home, but you have your life now in America and found a good job after university.

"All of this silence and patience. Pinning and desperately waiting"

Little did Lando know, the other drivers had stolen his phone and gotten your number long ago just waiting for the right moment to use it. Daniel was the first to reach out and introduce himself explaining Lando had wanted to let you know his phone had died.

You had shrugged it off, with how much Lando talked about the other driver it didn't seem that surprising to you that Lando had given your number to him. It was no surprise to Daniel how friendly and kind you were, but how smart you were was a shock. He never would have imagined their little Lando was friends with a lawyer.

Carlos and Oscar followed soon after hearing more about you from Daniel. They both said they wanted to get some stories of Lando as a kid to make fun of him so they begged Daniel for your number and to not tell Lando. You had a laugh retelling stories to them both that you knew Lando would be embarrassed about.

Max and Charles on the other hand had respected Lando's privacy when it came to you until they were added to a group chat with you made by Oscar without Lando's knowledge.

You didn't speak to the other drivers much in the group chat so you had forgotten it existed most of the time. They would send you pictures of Lando doing goofy things every once in a while, but that was about it. Never once did you think to mention it to Lando, it was a little secret look into his world and the photos gave you a way to know he was having fun. They reminded you of all the good times you both had shared together.

"Flashback when you met me. Your buzzcut and my hair bleached. Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me."

Secondary school hadn't started out easily for you, having moved away from all of your primary school friends. As a farewell, you all decided to color each other's hair. You had ended up a platinum blonde which made you stand out even more on the first day of school. Making new friends was hard at first. Most of the time you felt alone in a sea of unfamiliar faces.

It was probably the worst time of your life looking back. At least until a boy with a cheeky grin and sassy comebacks made it his mission to befriend you. At first, you didn't know what to make of the boy. Turned out his friend group had done something similar to yours but had buzzed all their hair off instead of dyeing it. He saw the girl with good grades who sat alone every day not as a freak like everyone else but as someone worth taking a chance on. You had no right to fall as fast as you did, but you couldn't help it. He was funny, kind, and well perfect.

"Flashback to my mistakes. My rebounds, my earthquakes. Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me."

As secondary school went on, Lando changed, not as a person but physically. No longer was he the straggly, small, buzzcut kid. He got taller, grew his hair out, and even became charming in a way you would never have imagined. Looking back he could remember getting his first girlfriend and how excited he was only to have his heartbroken.

He dated around more from then on, never getting attached to another girl. By developing a confident and flirtatious appearance he could avoid being hurt again. It worked on everyone as he gained popularity, everyone except you. You saw him for who he really was, always there to catch him when the mask slipped off and he shattered on the ground. Something he would always appreciate you for.

"All of this silence and patience. Pinning and anticipation"

When the drivers had first approached you with their plan you were skeptical.

Would he even want to see me after all this time?

You thought. You two had always talked about meeting again but your schedules never aligned. He always had a race or you had a case that you could miss. They talked about how Lando had seemed down the last couple of weeks while you had been busy with a case, how they thought he missed you, and that they had a race in America soon. Blow care to the wind you agreed. How could you miss the chance to see him again.

Clutching the hem of your shirt as you walked into the paddock for the first time, Daniel was waiting past security to show you around. Oscar had been able to pull some strings and get you a Race Day VIP pass without Lando knowing. You texted in the group chat and Daniel had been sent to come get you so Lando wouldn't notice. He couldn't stop talking about how excited he was to see the look on Lando's face as you two walked.

"Say my name and everything just stops. I don't want you like a best friend."

Soon enough Lando's laughter fills the air as Carlos holds his shoulder while bending over in laughter as well. You stood still for a moment watching to carve this memory of him into your mind before moving closer.

You smiled a bit to yourself, he was always the life of the party, always finding a way to make everyone around him laugh, and as always oblivious to his surroundings. He was still the same Lando you had fallen for all those years ago.

"Hey, Lan."

You said once you were a few feet away. Lando froze for a moment before turning around to look at you in shock. He couldn't believe you were here. Really here standing in the paddock only a few feet away next to Daniel of all people. He decided he didn't care how it happened only that it did.

Your hands started to shake as he stared at you. You wanted to hug him, kiss him, do something, but you were stuck. Stuck looking at him with hope in your eyes that he would say something, do something. Anything.

Carlos chucked at Lando's state before patting him on the back.

"Well, are you just gonna stand there? You know it took a lot of planning to get her here."

Lando snapped out of his trance, looking in between Carlos and you before breaking out in a sprint straight for you with the biggest smile on his face. He lifted you up by the waist spinning around with you in his arms.

It felt so good to have you in his arms again after all this time. At that moment, he realized it didn't matter how long it had been you were his home and he wasn't gonna let you go again.

[wood-white-writer]

“Didn’t mean to make your heart Blue” [10/…]

OPLA! Buggy x F!Reader

"You're the one, You're all I ever wanted. I think I'll regret this."

-Mitski, "Your Best American Girl"

Pairing: Buggy the Clown (live action) x F!Reader

Parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Summary: You were an apprentice of Gol D. Roger’s crew in your youth, long before his eventual demise. Along with the Red-Haired Shanks and Buggy, you were a formidable trio; the embodiment of a new generation of pirates yet to come. But times changed, and so did you and your friends.

The past echoes behind you, as does the uncertain future that lies ahead. Where you go from this point on, you'll have to be quick about making your decision. There is unrest in the waters, and not everyone knows how to swim.

Warnings: fem!reader, LA!Verse, slight canon divergence, morally grey reader, mentions of violence and blood, Buggy being a simp, flashbacks

A/N: .... Half a year later, and an update. As I've mentioned several times already, I'm sorry for the delay. A lot of things have happened these past couple of months, work has been hella hectic, and I'm moving into a house next month. This chapter is not too long, but I hope it'll do until the finale. If you notice any grammar mistakes, no you didn't.

It's tough to have so much love in your heart but nowhere to put it. It festers in your body, churning until it sours and rots into something unspeakably ugly.

You try not to remember, but sometimes your mind possesses a will of its own; sadistic in nature, taunting you with images of events you wish would leave you be. 

You recall that day. You see images of it flash through the synapses in your brain on more than a few occasions; twisting and knotting until they form an enlarged image of what you have dubbed the day you were acquainted with true pain.

It was a rainy day, not even a month after Rogers departed from the world of the living. The winds were picking up, the ship was rocking like she intended to knock you off balance and leave you at the mercy of the waves. 

Even still, you refused to let go.

The tension between Shanks and Buggy was palpable through your fingertips for a while by then, the reasons behind which were entirely unknown to you. The way they looked at each other was vehemently acrimonious, yet you had no clue as to what had detonated this rift. 

Maybe you didn’t want to think about it?

Maybe you were so desperately naive as to believe that things would stay the same, even when it was plain to see that they wouldn’t.

Buggy and Shanks had always been … at odds with one another, but never in a way that struck you strange before. They were simply like that, for as long as you’d known them. Their rivalry was benevolent in nature, just boys being boys, pirates being pirates.

Not that day.

You had been talking to Shanks on deck, moments before it happened. The subject of your conversation has long since evaded your memory, but that’s all you did. Conversing.

Then, Buggy was there, only that he wasn’t there either. There was something different about the bright blue eyes you used to hold in such high regard. They were cold, inexplicably hostile. 

Foul.

There was rage in his irises, and that had been beyond the kind you were acquainted with. It was scorching, tenfold sharper than the kind you received from your foes. 

Only that he wasn’t one of your foes.

It was Buggy.

Your Buggy.

And you were on the receiving end.

“You’re going with him, aren’t you?!” He demanded in such a way that you felt like it wasn’t him at all. An impostor.

Whether it was the surprise or the shock that ensnared you, you didn’t answer at first.

“ANSWER ME, DAMNIT!”

“Buggy…” your voice was hushed, scarcely making your vocal cords vibrate with each syllable. “What are you—?”

“I saw it, so don’t bother denying it!” 

He stomped over to you, and it felt like the planks beneath his feet were about to break. “Just tell me! Tell me that’s what you’re going to do! Just get it over with!”

You tried to reach for him, intertwine his fingers with your own; a safety line amidst a storm. He never rejected the gesture before, but when your digits fell upon his soft skin, he yanked them off like your touch was molten lava.

His limbs were quivering, hands knotted to fists, burning with heat yet trembling with cold at the same time.

Then, he said three words. 

Three words that would come to haunt you for the next two decades to come.

“I hate you,” he snarled. “I wish we’d never even met. Be with him if that’s what you fucking want! What do I care?”

“Buggy—“

For a moment, you didn’t know how to breathe. 

How to blink. 

How to feel. 

You had been stabbed before. Burnt. Slapped. Stabbed. Whipped. Tortured. 

Long before Rogers brought you with him, you thought yourself well-acquainted with all the pain the world could provide. It marred your bones, painted your flesh, scarred your skin. The indents still stained your arms and legs, your face, yet nothing could compare to the agony that followed Buggy’s words.

Your heart felt hollow; submerged in neck-deep waters with no bottom in sight.

“Buggy,” the corners of your eyes were stinging, yet you could not recall if you were crying or not. The feeling was a foreign one, so much so that you had no way of recognizing the sensation. 

He left after that; turned his back and walked away, and it was the last time you ever saw him in the flesh.

The next couple of years following that incident were blurry, you can’t remember much of it. It was as though your brain decided to dismiss those memories in an act of self-preservation.

You remember staying with Shanks for a time, whether loyalty or self-preservation, it didn’t matter. You stayed until just the mere sight of him rendered your guts to stones. 

You had no reason to resent him. He was good, among the best, but he could not provide a cure for your affliction, so you decided to leave the Red-Haired Pirates.

Shanks never begrudged you.

After parting ways with him, it didn’t take you long enough to establish a crew of your own, and a name. “Cross-Hairs”, the moniker you replaced with your real one. It’s been so long since anyone acknowledged your actual one, it’s as if it never existed. 

Some people saw a strong woman with enough broken bones on her record to know she would ensure their survival just as much as she could guarantee their demise, yet they still placed their bets on it.

Thus, the Cross-Haired Pirates came to fruition. Escaped convicts, thieves, general rogues, but efficient people in their own rights.

They feared you as much as they respected you. Your crew was among the most loyal people you’ve ever met. 

If you told them to bark, they’d bite. 

If you commanded them to kill, they’d do so without question, but they’d still leave their lives in your hands. They were your pack of loyal hounds, but you were a wolf in their ranks. Your say was the last of theirs.

You don’t regret letting them go. You had nothing more to offer them after you’d found a reason to stay in Foosha Village. Whatever violence remained in the world; they could find it in your absence. 

Some of them chose to disagree with your decision, demand that you remain their Captain; their checks would never run empty, but they were silenced quickly enough with the swing of your blade.

You’re not proud of the person you were, yet you could credit your survival to her. 

Blood, bones, tears, and pain, it never mattered to you, yet it granted you a superior seat on the food chain.

You became the beast haunting everyone’s dreams. The shadow in their path.

Even so, the pain of other people could not relinquish your own. 

You burned every day and every second for twenty years, so you turned the world to ashes in kind.

———

Long ago, Cabaji found his captain on deck one night with a bottle nursed against his sternum, his back against the railing, and his knee propped up to rest his head on. He was drunk, and although it wasn’t an unusual occurrence on its own, it was still unnerving.

“Captain, you alright?”

“‘m fine,” Buggy answered tightly, lolling his head back and forth. It was dark outside, no moon, yet the first mate could spot the redness across the Captain’s cheeks. “What t- time is it?”

“Just past midnight.” Cabaji frowned at the pathetic display, and with some hesitance, crouched down so he could put a finger on the clown’s forehead. Holy shit, what a fever. “Captain… You’re burning.”

“Burning?!” Buggy wheezed, as if he’d been told the world’s funniest joke. He threw his arm out, bottle raised high, and repeated: “Burning? Oh, that’s just great! I never took you for a jester, Cabaji! That title’s usually reserved for yours flashy truly! You tryin’ to upstage your captain or something?”

“No, Captain.” His right-hand man lightly put his fingers on the clown’s forehead again, mindful of not letting them linger lest he wanted to lose them. “You’re seriously burning up. How long have you been out here?”

“Five minutes, an hour, fuck, twenty years perhaps!” Buggy took another sip of the half-empty bottle in his hold. He couldn’t tell what it was, but it did wonders for his mind. His troubled, asymmetrical library of a brain whose caretaker had long since abandoned their charge.

The jester leaned the back of his head against the hard surface of the railings, tipping the bottle carelessly to the side so that its content could spill onto the wooden floor without any concern. It stained his pants; he'd reek for days, but there was no urgency in ridding himself of the splotch. “How can I burn when there is no sun out, Cabaji? Answer me that.”

“I don’t understand… it’s the middle of the night, the sun will be back tomorrow.”

“MEH! WRONG!” He continued to laugh with no sense of humor. No joy. No nothing. Just hollow breaths meant to mimic his trademark sound. With no short amount of effort on his part, he almost tripped himself trying to get up to his feet. 

His next words almost struck the first mate as … hollow somehow.

“The sun stopped shining long ago.”

———

You can’t sleep, but it has nothing to do with the added weight on your abdomen. 

Buggy, even with his entity body stripped from him, feels heavy and sleeps soundly, and he snores. You can't help but marvel at the view, mindful of your movements as you do. 

He looks to be at peace, completely so. Content. You'd think that he'd be a bit more wary considering he's currently stuck on a ship with people who want nothing more than to throw him overboard, yet here he is.

He's here.

With gentle hands unbeknownst to you, you carefully pry him off of you and settle him back down once your body’s out of the hammock. 

He can rest, you think, and he does so like a newborn.

Even with your body no longer attached to him, you can’t help but marvel at the sight. His eyes are closed, breathing even, as though he’s completely at ease with the world. Light as a feather, you tug a strand of hair away from his eyes and resign yourself to a night of wandering to ease your nerves.

The air on deck is cold. You find Ussop leaned across the steering wheel, sound asleep. You have half a mind to scold him for his negligence, but the other half remind you that in essence, he’s still just a kid. He should rest as well.

So, you find a blanket and carefully pull it over him, hoping that the cold won’t catch him as easily as Arlong’s men probably will at one point.

The waters are calm as you lean over the railings to observe them. The moon isn’t full, but it still dons a soft light across the waters. You relish in the ambience the night sky grants, finding serenity in it all. 

“What’re you doing up?”

You snap your head down to find Buggy’s head poised next to your arms, having hopped over to you on the railing. He must’ve been uncharacteristically quiet, or maybe you had been uncharacteristically caught off-guard. 

He looks tired, but not disoriented as he props himself closer to you. If he’s moody from the lack of sleep, he doesn’t voice it.

“You’ll fall off,” you warn him.

“You can still swim, can’t you?” He points out. 

“What makes you think I’ll jump after you?”

“Won’t you?”

You glance back down at him, and you can vaguely spot an ounce of sincerity in his eyes; a genuine question that conceals the deep-rooted vulnerability underneath. It’s a rare look on him, or maybe it’s the hole of light in the sky playing tricks on your brain.

The two of you say nothing to each other for a while, but your eyes never shy away from each other. To be honest, you have no idea where this … this is headed. You’re not sure what to do about it either. Twenty years has left a gaping hole in your chest, akin to a supernova that swallows everything around it.

Turns out it will still consume any scraps of your youthful affection too, and you can’t tell if it fills the hole up or further deepens the void. You’re not sure you want to know.

“You should head back inside,” you finally say. “It’s cold outside.”

“So what?”

“Being a head surely leaves you at a disadvantage against the elements, does it not?”

If he had shoulders, he’d shrug, but he makes a pretty good imitation of it with just his head alone. “Dunno, but I don’t care.”

“You don’t want to catch pneumonia and die or something, do you?” I

t wasn’t meant as a joke at first, but the moment he hears it, a snnnrrrrrk develops into full-blown laughter that’s a hair width away from waking your crew members.

You don’t know what possesses you, but hearing him laugh like this, so genuinely, conjures a laugh of your own. It’s more hushed and subtle in comparison to your companion, but it’s there and it feels so strange to have it erupt from your chest. 

When was the last time you laughed? 

After a while, your combined laughter gradually quietens and when you look at Buggy next, you see him with eyes the size of plates, like he couldn’t believe what he just witnessed. Not in an alarming way, but in … adoration. Just unadulterated, complete awe.

For some reason, it pains you to have him look at you like this. After all this time. So, you turn your head back to the sea and let your gaze linger there again. You’re reminded that, like the waves, you can’t go back to how it used to be.

“When you’ve retrieved your body, you can go.”

Buggy freezes. "... What?"

"Once you get your body back, you can leave. I'll tell the crew you disappeared." 

It'll be easier for the both of you, you justify. He can get back to being Captain Buggy, and you can go back to being ... someone. 

You're no longer a captain, and you have no interest in playing the part again. He'll have his freedom, and you'll have your contentment in knowing that you have once more gotten to look him in the eyes.

It’ll hurt, but pain is an old friend.

He doesn't say anything for the longest time, but you can hear the cogs churning in his brain. "You mean ... You don't want to go with me, after all this time?"

You glance over your shoulder to the door to the kitchen area. "I ... Care much for the boy, and I know you tend to carry grudges. I don't intend to be involved with that."

"You don't have to be!" Buggy insists, almost urgently, like he's afraid you'll leave on the dot. "You can stay with me, and whatever business I have with the rubbery pri-... I- I mean, the kid, I'll keep it to myself."

You spend a second looking down at him, scrutinizing him of any signs that he's being false, before you avert your gaze back to the waves. Truth be told, you've never thought much of what to do once you left Luffy's crew. 

As far as you're concerned, you don't have anywhere to go back to. Maybe you'll return to Foosha village, pay Makino a visit, or maybe you'll become a wayward at sea. Make coin where you can, visit Shanks sometime?

But joining Buggy?

Now that's a thought you never believed would cross your head for a long time.

"I won't be a good circus performer," you admit.

He makes a pfsssssh sound, tongue waggling out of his mouth. "'Course you'd be! The strongest woman in all of East-Blue! People will bankrupt themselves just to see you in action! C'mon, just think about it!"

You bury the urge to remind him that if anyone will commit any bankrupting, it'll be him. Joining Buggy's crew, after so long? A part of you thinks that it can open a window of opportunity to provide closure. Grant him a chance to make up for his misdeeds.

Another part reminds you that the pain he once brought caused you two decades of misery, so why give him the opportunity to attempt the same once more? In all your life, only he’s ever possessed the power to render you so small. 

You might be among the strongest pirates across the seas, but someone always held you by a leash; dragged you, pulled you into every direction, and demanded your obedience. Rogers freed you from the leash altogether, but Buggy remains the only person you freely gave your leash to. You gave it to him, and he let it go.

Are you willing to hand it back to him, knowing what happened last time?

How does the saying go? 

Bite you once and twice, shame and all that.

"We should head back inside."

———

Coco Village, you think, is a lonely place; void of life; desolate. It reminds you of where you originally came from before Rogers brought you onto his crew all those years ago. A hollow replica of how it used to be.

A feeling of cold stretches across your skin at the memory of it all, like a layer of frost having come back to torment you. 

You glance around at the halfway-demolished huts, and you see its denizens with nothing behind their eyes. Whatever hope once resided in their hearts abandoned them long ago. It brings you no joy, but it doesn’t necessarily bring you any melancholy either.

It is not your sorrow to bear.

Nojiko’s cabin, on the other hand, seems like a pleasant reprieve. It’s not much, but judging by the delicate way she handles herself and her equipment, it’s a home.

A home hanging on a thread from Arlong’s pointy nose.

While Sanji’s helping Nojiko clean the plates, you’re seated across from Usopp, with Buggy’s head poised between you on top of the table. Wherever Luffy and Zoro are outside, you’re certain they’re concocting some sort of plan to get Nami out. 

It’ll be the first time he’ll have to make up a thorough plan, rather than making it up as he goes as he’s done so far.

You’re curious as to how it’ll go, though you’ll follow nonetheless. Your presence here with them depends on whether he’ll make it, and if he does, you’ll finally part ways.

You love Luffy, almost more than you’ve loved anyone else in your entire life. You were there to watch him grow, you were there to patch him up, to make sure he had food when Makino couldn’t afford to spare any. 

You love his hair, his eyes, the way his smile all but brightens up any dark corner in any room. You love him so much so that you’ll leave the moment you know he doesn’t need you anymore.

The thought, while maintaining a rooted spot in your brain, lessens your appetite and causes you to play with the food on your plate. It’s long since grown cold in your negligence.

Suddenly, a loud "BOOM!!" promptly snaps you out of your mindscape and back to reality. Buggy cackles, and although you're not the intended target of his joke, it still irks you to some limited extent.

"Can you just be quiet?"

"Aw, come on. Where's the fun in that?" There's a malicious glint in the clown's eye. "Do you really think your little toys can get through the skin of a fish-man?"

You have to commend Usopp for his resilience. "These are smoke bombs."

"Smoke. That's rich..." Trailing off, Buggy eyes your meal with the subtlety of a puppy looking for scraps, licking his chapped lips. "Makes me think of how long it's been since I've had any smoked fish." 

You spare him a wayward glance, fork ceasing its massacre of the flesh on your plate. Usopp notices the change almost instantaneously as he tinkers with his makeshift bomb.

The reply from the slingshot is quick. “Don’t give it to him.”

“As opposed to what?” You quirk an unbothered eyebrow. “Let Sanji’s meal go to waste?”

“Eat it yourself, then! You’ve hardly had any!”

“I’m not particularly hungry at the moment, and it’s either the trash or the clown.”

Usopp scoffs. “Like there’s a difference.”

“HEY! I’M RIGHT HERE, ASSHAT!”

Sanji perks up at the commotion and looks at you from over his shoulder, hands still wet from the washing. “I do hope you’re not discussing the possibility of discarding my food. Not when Nojiko has been so lenient as to lend us the necessary ingredients?”

Usopp shakes his head. “It’s worse! She wants to give it to the fucking clown!”

Sanji glances at you, and he speaks in that soft tone he primarily reserves for the women in his company. “Was my meal not to your satisfaction, Madam?” 

You incline your head to him in a way that’s meant to convey approval. “It was, make no mistake of it, but I’m afraid that my appetite is rather lacking at the moment.”

Buggy looks between the two of you, and his mood sours considerably. It’s as though a fire is burning in the back of the room, and the scorch threatens to incinerate the furniture and all the people inside. He halfway hopes it will, but although his Devil Fruit has granted him a plethora of powers people can only hope to dream of, prokinetics are evidently out of his reach.

No one notices, however.

Then, a minute goes by, and Sanji finally shrugs. “As much as I can’t condone Usopp’s anger, I can’t condone a good meal being wasted. Do with it as you please, my lady.”

Buggy guffaws while Usopp pales, but your face stays the way it’s always done. If anyone were to notice the way you discreetly inch the plate towards Buggy, they keep their opinions to themselves. 

If Buggy stares at you like you hung the moon and the sun in the sky, you keep your observations to yourself.

You don’t say a word, but you want to say a lot. 

You wish to say more than you've ever said before.

But you don’t.

———

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[joydoesathing]

what would happen if anatolii knew about this. What was Nacho thinking just running away was he that different compared to now

*cracks knuckles*

hoooooo boy, get ready cuz i got a whole character arc below

(again this is just my take on the story, so it's highly headcanonned)

"I'm sorry for running away. I'll make sure to make it up to you and your mother..."

nacho was more reckless back in his former years when he was first having a fling with frances. but when he did get her pregnant, he realized that he messed big time. realized that not only he's got a child on the way but has no means to provide for them both and isn't personally ready for big commitments like being a father or even getting married. why would he be? he was barely even 20. he never really thought that far ahead.

he didn't want to ask his parents for help. they'd definitely kill him if they figured out he got this girl they never met pregnant. he didn't also have the guts to tell frances the bad news.

his buddies at the time, who were just as reckless and short-sighted as he was, recommended that he could just... leave all that complicated and deep mess with frances behind him. just run away.

i mean he could do it. like him, frances probably wouldn't turn and complain to her parents first for help (for the same reason nacho wouldn't turn to his own parents for help) . his parents doesn't even know they had a fling together. even if she will become desperate enough to find them and try to turn to them for help, would they even accept her? let alone believe her?

"you wouldn't get in trouble. there's no one else that knows about it than you two."

" i mean, i'm sure she'll figure out something. she should know at least the basics."

that's what his buddies kept on assuring him. but even he could see that just up and deserting frances like that is just straight up cruel.

but was he in any room to still complain? it's not as if he had the resources nor the strong will to commit and face the heavy consequences of his actions.

and with that, he ran off but wracked with the small feeling of guilt.

while he tried having his new start, that feeling of guilt just grew bigger and bigger and started eating away at his conscience. he kept on trying to deny and delude himself with the words of his buddies, but it did nothing to stop that guilt completely.

it made him finally see that he's nothing more than a dirty dog running with its tail between its legs. a jerk and a coward. he had a feeling that he was going to have his comeuppance and it wasn't going to be pretty.

and so it did, a year and a half after he ran. his partner, depressed and completely driven to madness , tracked him down and almost murdered him in a psychotic rage.

he was forced to see the result of his cowardice and neglect. he didn't blame frances for doing that. who wouldn't go mad if they've been abandoned by someone who thought they could trust?

after she was stopped, he decided not to press charges on frances , although that didn't stop her from still getting institutionalized. being incapable to care for her child, nacho finally decided to man up and take his and frances' child up as his own and take raise him.

he knew that it's such a scummy thing to do. to just NOW take up the responsibility when everything was blown out of proportion. but he decided to not run away now, just because of that. his son needed a parent more than anything else now.

as he went on raising anatolii, he felt that he had absolutely nothing to be praised for. unknowing people says: "you're such a strong man, raising a son all by yourself."

he just did what he should have done from the start. right now, he takes care of his son wholeheartedly as an act of repentance, for both frances and anatolii. to show that he's truly sorry for being the coward he is.

for now, nacho is keeping the truth the whole mess between him and frances well-kept from anatolii. the only thing that anatolii does know about his mom is that she's alive but never drops by to visit due to some "personal problems and conflicts". but nacho always assures him that his mother loves him no matter what.

[mi-rae07]

Choi San : A Marriage Not Of Love (Part 2/3)

Pairing : Choi San (Ateez) and named character (Kim Sowon)

________________________

Tw//: mentions of self harm

_________________________

A/n : angst might be slightly lesser here but the final part will have enough and more.

__________________________

Sowon hummed as she felt herself slowly wake, opening her eyes and looking around as she realized she was back in hers and san's room, her entire body covered with silk blankets. The time seemed to be 5pm, she had been asleep for hours.

San : how do you feel right now?

Sowon flinched as she realized san was sitting next to her on a chair, a book held loosely in his left hand as he stared at her

Sowon : you…you haven't gone to work yet?

San : work can wait, you're more important.

Sowon didn't believe that from him.

Sowon : well now I am awake so you can go.

San : it's 5pm, do you really want me to go to work just for an hour or two sowon?

Sowon sighed, looking away as she said

Sowon : you didn’t have to miss work because of me.

San : you're my wife-

Sowon : in theory.

San paused as sowon sat up straight, feeling much better than she had before. She looked to the bedside table as she noticed bottles of fever medicines on it, san had fed her medicines while she was asleep.

Sowon : you don't have to pretend anymore.

San paused, staring at sowon and her cut off eyes. It had finally happened, she had gotten tired of trying.

Sowon : I know you do not love me, you never have, it was just all pretend. Was it not, san?

She needed that last confirmation, and san had his chance to tell her everything now, the whole truth. And he wanted to, he wanted to tell her so bad. But these were his burdens, he wouldn’t endanger sowon like that. And so san looked away as he said coldly

San : yes.

Sowon nodded, her face not showing even an ounce of emotion as she got up from the bed before saying

Sowon : then we will live like that from now, just pretend when there are people around and forget about each other when no one's watching.

San's eyes widened, not expecting her to say this. He had expected her to divorce him, and he had thought he would have to find a way to make his grandfather agree to still leaving the company with him because san wasn't planning to marry another woman.

San : you…you're not going to divorce me?

Sowon scoffed as she said

Sowon : have you forgotten that I'm an orphan, san? If I divorce you where exactly will I go? Consider this as me taking advantage of your resources, just as you have taken advantage of mine. I do not know your reasons for this marriage but I don't think I want to know anymore either.

Sowon turned around and walked towards the door as she said

Sowon : we'll start by sleeping separately from now.

_______________________________

2 weeks later :

And just like that san's entire life had changed, he barely even got to see his wife anymore. She changed her meal timings so san wouldn't see her during dinner or breakfast anymore, she wouldn't step inside his room either and got all her things shifted to a separate room. San couldn't sleep a wink as he stared around at the empty room, realizing that he actually had nothing to fill the room with, it had been all hers. Her scent still lingered in the pillows and san never let the maids wash it.

He couldn't even properly work anymore because he kept thinking of her, whether she was doing fine or eating her meals on time. He was worried, but he couldn't show it. Soohyun had his bugs all over san's manor, san knew half the maids worked for soohyun and kept an eye on san and sowon. It was the whole reason san kept being rude to her even in their own house and rooms, he couldn't let soohyun know this was anything more than a loveless arranged marriage.

??? : san.

San flinched as he looked up from his study table, realizing sowon had stepped into his study quietly while he was in his thoughts. San stood up from his seat, eyeing sowon to see if she was completely alright. He only got to see her at rare occasions and this was one of them.

San : is something wrong?

Sowon : you can sit down, it's not a great matter.

San did not sit. Sowon sighed as she said

Sowon : there's a party tomorrow evening, at yena's house. I just got the invitation.

Sowon placed the invitation on san's table as he stared at it with blank eyes before saying

San : we don’t have to go if you don't want to-

Sowon : we are going, your brother is going to be there.

San's breath hitched in his throat, his brother rarely attended the same parties as san. Their circles were entirely different, and he had no idea soohyun was associated with yena.

San : what? Why-

Sowon : didn't you read the invitation card san, yena's sister is getting engaged to soohyun next week. This is a before party.

_______________________________

Sowon looked around the grand party hall as her arm was coiled around san's, the both of them walking together to wherever san led her. Neither of them had uttered a word in the car about anything, so she just let san take the lead. He was the one that did the business anyway. They had just finished talking to some business partners when a voice cut through them

Yena : san-ah!

Sowon looked forward as she saw yena rushing up to them with a wide smile, immediately hugging san as sowon let go of her hold on san's arm and stepped aside slightly. She hated seeing yena at all, but she did not let it show on her face as she smiled at yena. Yena eyed sowon with annoyed eyes before saying

Yena : oh you're here too.

San : she is my wife, why wouldn't she be here?

Yena rolled her eyes at san playfully before saying with a sarcastic chuckle

Yena : we all know it's just arranged.

San frowned and was about to say something when another voice interrupted them, this time a low-pitched male voice

??? : ah, the star couple!

San froze as soohyun stepped forward, looking over at sowon as he took her hand and kissed it with a wide smile. Sowon smiled as well, unaware of soohyun's actual motives as she said

Sowon : soohyun-shi, it's been a while since we saw you. I've been asking you to visit our house for so long, you never come.

Soohyun chuckled almost innocently as he said

Soohyun : I've been quite busy you see, what with my lovely to-be-fiancé and all that.

Soohyun finally turned his attention to san as he eyed him as well before holding his hand out for san to shake. San shook it with a blank face, making yena chuckle as she once again laid her palm against san's shoulder before saying

Yena : sannie has always been a bit of a cold person.

San's eyes turned sharp as he looked at yena and said

San : I have told you not to call me that, yena.

Yena smiled a sickly sweet smile that made sowon want to throw up, soohyun looking like he was thoroughly enjoying the scene. Sowon looked around as she noticed the people were eyeing san and yena as well, some of them whispering softly with each other. Sowon suddenly felt little, like she wasn't supposed to be here. She let out a breath before saying

Sowon : I'll need to use the ladies room quick, please excuse me.

Sowon gave the three of them one last smile before walking to the restroom, her purse clutched tight in her hand.

__________________________________

It had been an hour since sowon had shut herself in one of the bathroom cubicles and she supposed it was high time she stepped out into the party now, not that her absence would cause anyone worry but even then. And so sowon stepped out of the ladies room, walking around as she tried to find san somewhere. She had just turned to a secluded corner space when she felt someone grab her arm and pull her to a side.

Sowon : soohyun-shi?

Soohyun : finally I've gotten you without having my brother loom all over you.

Sowon frowned, looking up at soohyun as she asked

Sowon : what?

Soohyun : he doesn't love you, does he? He's arranged this entire marriage for his own benefit, to steal that company from me.

I frowned, confused. I didn't know why he was telling me all this now.

Soohyun : but then again, he's always been like this. Selfish and cruel for his own needs, there's something he has been hiding from you as well. I'm the only person who knows it but now I suppose you should too.

Sowon felt her heart race at his words, she always knew there was something that san hid from her. And san had always been hostile to his brother, now she supposed she would know why.

Sowon : and what…is that?

Soohyun chuckled as he leaned closer to her before whispering

Soohyun : he killed his own mother, our, mother. He stabbed her to death while she was trying to save him.

Sowon's eyes widened, her heart dropping at his words. No…no this couldn't be true. San was cruel to her but he never harmed her physically, he couldn't have killed his own mother.

Soohyun : you must not believe me, and I don’t blame you for it. But think about it, why would I need to lie about something like this? To break you marriage? But that's already broken, isn't it?

Sowon let out a shaky breath as she realized soohyun was right, there was no need for him to lie about this. And this fact explained many things about san.

Soohyun : I suggest you to leave that man and run while you still can, sowon. He is dangerous, deadly.

Sowon was about to say something when soohyun looked past her, eyeing someone behind her. Sowon turned as well as she saw san walking up to them with a cold face, both his hands tucked into his pocket as he said to soohyun

San : done with your conversation with my wife, brother?

Soohyun smiled sweetly as he said

Soohyun : of course, you can have her now.

Saying that soohyun walked away, leaving a shaken sowon behind. She watched as san approach her, her heart racing with a new emotion. Fear. Something she'd never felt for san before but now seeing the way his eyes looked, his shoulders straight and pulled back, he looked every bit of the murderer soohyun said he was.

As san tried to step closer sowon stepped back, not looking at him. San noticed it, the new fear in her for him.

San : sowon?

Sowon : did you kill her?

San froze, his face going pale.

San : wh-what?

San had never stuttered, and that was an answer for sowon in itself. But even then she continued, her voice shaky from the tears as she looked up at san

Sowon : did you kill your mother, san?

San stared at her with wide eyes, finally betraying emotions on his face. It all seemed to flood onto him at once, as if sowon had stabbed him herself.

San : did…did he tell you that?

Sowon : he told me you were selfish and cruel, and that you killed your mother by stabbing her when she tried saving you. He asked me to run away from you, san.

San let out a shaky breath, looking like he was about to fall onto his knees any second.

Sowon : you killed her, didn't you? You killed the person that gave birth to you and raised you.

San felt his body tremble, his hands clenching inside his suit pocket. The fear in sowon's eyes broke him apart. Her hate, he could manage. But fear, fear he could never. It would destroy him.

San : so-sowon please. I just-

Sowon : if you killed your mother who is to say you won’t kill your wife, san? I…I slept with a cold-blooded murderer for years without realizing. I trusted you, I loved a bloody murderer.

San felt his heart break at her words, tears filling his eyes for the first time in years. He had pushed this all away, he had told himself that as long as sowon loved him nothing else mattered. But now she had called him a murderer too, and san no longer felt the need to live.

Sowon took the wedding ring that adorned her ring finger as she threw it at san, tears streaming down her cheeks as she said

Sowon : I would rather stay an orphan than have a husband that killed his own mother, I would rather die than belong to a murderer, a monster.

San stared at the wedding ring that felt to his feet, the diamond in it cracking as sowon said

Sowon : I am no longer your wife, choi san.

Sowon turned around and left, leaving a broken san behind. He felt to the floor, clutching sowon's cracked wedding ring in his hand as he sobbed pathetically. He had lost everything, everything.

Soohyun had done worse than what he'd say he would do.

___________________________________

When san had come back to the manor hours later, drenched in cold and snow he'd expected the maids to tell him that sowon had left, her things all packed. But instead they'd told him that she had locked herself up in her room, no sounds to be heard. And so san had walked up to her room, knocking on her door as he said

San : please open the door, please.

San felt his voice break from how much he had cried, tears still streaming down his cheeks as he shivered in the cold. But he didn't bother, sowon had shivered in cold too once, all because of him.

San once again knocked on the door, his libs trembling as he said

San : let me-let me explain sowon, please just let me…

San let out a painful sob as he slid down the door, falling on his knees as he rested his head against the door

San : I didn't mean to do it, I didn't know it was her, please. I would never have done…never have done anything to hurt her. Or you-I would never hurt you sowon.

Sowon shut her eyes tightly from the other side of the door as she heard san's broken pleas and cries, his sobs breaking her apart. He had never cried in front of her, not even when his dad had passed away. Now hearing how broken he was sowon wanted to go and hug him.

But he was a murderer, sowon remembered. He had murdered his mother in cold blood no matter his excuses, and she was scared he'd do the same with her. These cries could be fake, it could be to lure her out and weaken her.

She wasn't going to fall.

San felt his breathing get shallow as he weakly banged against the door, his hands cold and shivering. He could've just gone to the fire burning in his room, all warm and cozy for him. There was no need for him to be lying in this cold, dark hallway. But sowon was on the other side of this door, he couldn't leave.

Not even when the coldness and darkness around him reminded him of the month he had spent locked up in that basement, being starved and tortured would he leave her. He had felt the same way then, abandoned and misunderstood. But this…this was worse than that.

No one was locking him up or starving and torturing him here, but sowon was scared of him. She was sitting on the other side of the door, her love for him slowly cracking away and the fear for him rising. He felt worse than he had back then, he felt like he was getting stabbed in the heart again and again.

San cried again, feeling his body get weak as he fell onto the floor with a low thud. He could barely speak anymore, his throat burning. But even then he called out her name again and again desperately, wishing she would open the door and take him in her arms.

She didn’t, and san supposed she wouldn't again for a long, long time.

________________________________

The next day san opened his eyes, feeling like he was about to pass out again from the pain covering his body. He felt cold and hot at the same time, his eyes puffy and blurry. But despite that he sat up, looking at the door in front of him. It was still locked, sowon hadn't stepped out of her room.

San stood up wobblily as held onto the wall for support, looking at the time in the hallway clock. 11am, 2 hours past breakfast and 2 hours before lunchtime. San had work, and he supposed that maybe if he left for work sowon would come out and have her meals without being scared of his presence. As much as it hurt san, he knew it was the truth.

And just like that, despite feeling like he was about to die he left for work, just so sowon could eat.

____________________________________

??? : boss, there's someone who's come to see you.

San didn't bother looking up from his papers, half because he was sick and half because he couldn't bother enough to use the little energy he had left.

San : I don't have any appointments today.

??? : yes, sir but this is your brother.

San paused, still not looking up from his papers. Before he could say anything more the door opened again as a cheery voice cut through the air

Soohyun : my dear younger brother!

San shut his eyes, the assistant stepping outside and closing the door as she left san and soohyun alone. San watched as soohyun happily plopped down on the seat opposite san as he said

Soohyun : oh you look like a disaster, did she yell at you?

San : why would I care if she yelled at me? I do not love her and neither do I care.

A whole lie. Soohyun shrugged as he said

Soohyun : well that is true.

San had been excellent at hiding his love, so much to the point that even sowon didn't know about it. Soohyun was no exception.

San : then why did you tell her? Why yesterday night?

Soohyun : it was our mother’s birthday yesterday. Consider it as my gift for her. Plus! It was fun.

San paused, trying his best to conceal his emotions as he asked

San : and why are you here now, to torture me again? Remind me of the fact that I killed our mother?

Soohyun : I was just here to have fun at your horrible state, see how the seed I planted has grown.

San : what else did you tell her? Did you tell her that you thought I also tried to poison our mother when I was 12?

Soohyun gasped as he said

Soohyun : oh no! whatever will I do, I completely forgot about that. Don't worry, you can tell her that yourself.

Soohyun chuckled as he leaned forward and ruffled san's hair before standing up

Soohyun : you don't deserve even an ounce of happiness after all that you've done, san. I hope you don't forget that, not like anyone would ever give someone like you happiness but you know.

Soohyun turned around and left just like that, leaving san alone in his office room. He let out a breath, letting his head drop into his hands.

____________________________________

Sowon felt utterly alone and exasperated, she had no idea what to think. She stared at her empty ring finger as she remembered the look on san's face when she'd thrown that at him and it had cracked, she'd never seen anyone look so broken before. And then she remembered him banging on the door, begging her to open it as he cried. She'd never seen him cry, never seen anyone cry so desperately and yet she hadn't opened the door. How could she?

Sowon flinched as she felt someone bang the door again, san's loud voice cutting through the silent room

San : you haven't eaten.

Sowon looked away from the door, clenching her hands as san banged the door again

San : you have to eat something sowon, come out!

Sowon didn't want to come out of her room when san was outside, she was scared.

San : sowon, either you come out or I open this door myself.

Sowon did not move from her place. And to her utter horror, a minute later san had opened the door to her room with his spare keys, stepping inside and staring right at her.

San : I went to work today despite feeling like dying just so you'd come out and have your meals. And then the maids tell me you still haven't had anything, are you crazy?

Sowon stared at san in part fear, wondering whether he'd harm her for not having had her meals and causing him anger.

San : sowon go to the dining hall and have you dinner, right now.

Sowon shook her head as she looked away, she was not hungry. San glared at her as he stepped forward, trying to hold her arm in order to get her to come with him.

He was just trying to get her to eat, but all sowon could see was the anger in san’s eyes, his hands coming to grab hers. She felt fear engulf her as sowon quickly moved away from him, her hands coming up to shield herself as she said in fear

Sowon : please don’t hurt me please! I'll eat, I…

Sowon breathed heavily as she curled her legs towards herself to protect herself, san's eyes widening as he stepped back in horror. He had just touched her arm…and she'd thought he was going to hurt her. She was scared of him, like he was some sort of a monster. Her small cries and whimpers were proof.

Sowon looked up with teary eyes as she watched san stumble back, his eyes wide and teary as he recoiled. And suddenly sowon felt her heart drop as she realized what she'd done, she had backed away from san like he was some otherworldly being.

Sowon : san.

Sowon quickly got up from her bed as she rushed to san, trying to hold his arm. But he snatched it back, staring at her with teary eyes as she said

Sowon : no I didn’t…I just wasn’t-

San : you…you thought I was going to hurt you.

San’s voice sounded desperate, broken beyond repair. He looked like she had just stabbed him. Sowon’s eyes softened at that as she said

Sowon : no I just…I-your mother-

San flinched as sowon realised that was the wrong thing to say given the situation, making her shake her head as she said in a hurry, trying to reach out for him again

Sowon : oh no, san-

Sowon cut herself off as san rushed out of her room, not letting her say anything more.

_____________________________________

San rushed into his bathroom, falling onto the floor with a sob as he brought his palms to his face. He tried muffling his sobs, feeling pathetic as his body shivered from the cold yet again. He hated himself, oh he had never hated himself so much before.

San looked up as he saw the razor blade sitting on the top of his sink, one he had used to shave a few days before. He felt himself grabbing it as he plucked the blade out, the force causing his finger skin to tear as blood oozed out. San let out a shaky sob as he pulled his sleeves up, staring down at the old cut marks on his arm. It had been years since he'd done this, but now he felt himself slowly relapsing, wanting to feel the pain again.

Anything, anything to stop the pain he was feeling in his heart.

And so san used the blade to cut through his arm, once again opening up the old and healed self harm cuts as blood dripped down onto the marble floor. He did not stop at just one cut, he cut his skin again and again, the pain seeping through his entire body as he felt his mind go numb.

This, this was what he wanted. His mind to go numb, and if hurting himself was what it took to make that happen, then so be it.

With another sob san cut his arm again, this time the blade going even deeper as san let out a groan in pain.

Nothing was as sharp and deep as sowon's words anyway.

_____________________________________

[cevansbaby-dove]

The Professors pet 2

Pairing:Professor!Jensen Ackles X Student!Reader

Warnings: hints of smut.

You woke up at your desk. "ugh I fell asleep again" You stood up and look at your clock and see it's close to six am.

You turn and grab your bag and toss your notes in and Amy texts you.

Amy-hey y/n i'm at school.

Y/n-okay be right there.

You grabbed this outfit.

You walked into the kitchen and your mom is talking to someone and you look and see jensen there. He smiles. "good morning Y/N" You froze. "um...Morning Jen- I mean professor"

Jensen bit his lip looking at you. "Did you uh..have breakfast yet?"

You grab an apple. "this will do for me" He walks to you. "Come on i'll take you to school" Your mother smiles. "he would be perfect for you honey"

"Mom! It's not like that, let's go" You wanted jensen out before your mother ran her mouth about you and how she wanted you with someone.

Jensen chuckles opening his car door for you. "your mom seems nice" You got in and said. "She's good at pretending"

Jensen gets into his car and drives away and says. "hmm...so did you study?"

You looked over at him. "Yes sir but I fell asleep around two am I think...but I did study"

He nods as he watched the road ahead of him. "Need help still?" You chew on your lip. "No Sir i should pass this test with flying colors"

Jensen smiles as he runs into a parking lot for McDonald's. "Here have my number if you need help"

He writes it down and hands it to me and our hands touch and it felt like sparks between us.

I take it. "thanks" we get out and walk into the small place and order food. Jensen says. "thanks have a good day"

We walk out and I grab my coke and take a sip. Jensen smiles. "y/n can we talk about yesterday?"

I get into the car seat and Munich on my hash browns. "what about it? you were the one who kissed me first"

Jensen smiles. "that bad uh?" You shake your head. "No it wasn't....it's just...not right? right? I mean I don't know what to say about it" You hung your head and Jensen places his hand on yours. "y/n look at me"

You looked at him and he says. "that kiss doesn't change who I am to you"

"yes it does! are you joking!? Jensen come on your newly divorced and already kissing other girls. who knows maybe i'm not that only girl you've hit on!"

You were mad at him because you didn't think it would be like that with him.

You already were stressed from family and here was this fucking prince charming being all sweet and loving to you and it wasn't helping you out at all.

Jensen frowns. "Y/n, Danneel and I split because of life it's not because of other girls in my life, honestly your the first girl I have felt this way since Dee."

You sigh. "We'll be late"

Jensen sighs. "okay fine" He drives away and I look out the window. I didn't know what to think of this man, one kiss and now he thinks i'm the girl of his dreams...ugh I hate how I felt about him...Amy was right you attracted the professors, it's not like you tried to it just happened...that's normal..right?

You felt the car park and you grab your bag and Jensen says. "Can we talk more after class?" You looked at him. "What else is there to talk about? We should just forget that happened"

He looks around and see it's empty and he leans to you kissing your lips, you wanted to pull away but your mind was clear when he was kissing you. He doesn't let the kiss last long before he pulls away and says. "See you later"

He gets out of the car and you sigh. "damn it'

You step out of his car and follow him into the school. Amy is by the lockers and she waves then smirks seeing Jensen walking by you. He walks past Amy.

"Good morning Miss Hart" She smiles and then her jaw drops when he walks past you and looks at you before he walks into the class room.

"Shut up!" Amy said when you told her. "Shh!! not the whole world needs to know!"

"you kissed him!? TWICE!???"

You nodded. "Well the he kissed me both times it's not me doing this"

"but still! Oh my God!"

You and Amy walk into the class room and your eyes go right to Jensen who is looking though his notes. You sit down and sip on your coke and Jensen scans the room and sees more students walking in.

During class your mind wouldn't stop thinking of Jensen hell even your mind was undressing him and you honestly didn't mind what you were seeing.

Jensen kept glancing at you while you were in class and he was stumbling over his words when your eyes met his. then you went into daydreaming mood.

You weren't seeing the book on the desk in front of you, you saw Jensen kissing your lips, neck and your breast god you mind got so far off the rails you didn't hear Jensen call your name until his hand was on your shoulder.

"Miss L/N" He said harshly. You jumped looking at him. "I'm sorry Professor I must have zoned out"

Jensen nods. "right" After class you stood up and Amy says. "Bye professor see you tomorrow" Jensen waves. "Bye" She looks at you and winks. "Have funnnn" She teased.

Jensen stands up and grabs his coat. "Y/N will you follow me to my office please?" You nodded feeling butterflies at how he said your name.

Jensen opened the door for you and you walk in and say. "About me zoning out, I didn't get much sleep i'm sorry sir" Jensen shuts the door and locks it. You turn and he walks to you. "It's okay I could tell you were daydreaming"

You blush slightly. "how could you tell?" He smiles. "you were biting your lip." You looked at his eyes. "oh" He smirks. "care to tell me what it was?"

"I shouldn't tell you sir" Jensen leans closer to you. "something I can help with?" You felt your core pulse around nothing. "if..you...um..want"

Jensen smiles as he kisses your lips softly.

You softly let him kiss you then you step back. "We...Jensen I mean your my.." Jensen looked at you walking closer to you again. 'You gave me the please fuck me eyes during class and I intend to do just that" He slowly takes your jeans off then tosses them to the ground.

"Jensen..." You moaned as he kissed your neck softly and he lifts you on his desk knocking over some papers. "that can wait"

Jensen leaves kisses down your neck he slowly take your shirt off and he growls when he sees your Blue lace bra. "Fuck you knew this would happen uh?" You blushed. "Maybe I planned it"

Jensen smiles and says. "You in for it now" He kisses you breast making you moan and arch your back. "hmm"

After you and him get fully undressed you grab his cock and start stroking it. 'Is this what you have been packing?"

Jensen groans as you keep up your hand on his cock. He was leaking with pre cum already and you doing this wasn't helping. "fuck if you keep that up I won't be cumming inside of you"

You looked into his green eyes and say. "Then do it," You lean to his ear. "Use me professor" You whispered into his ear.

he smiled sweetly as he looked at you. "Yes ma'am"

he slowly pushes into you and you gasp. "Hmm....fuck you feel good" Jensen moved slowly in and out of you forgetting if your own the pill but you knew this won't happen again just this one time you wanted him to badly.

"he speeds up his movements and says. "God you feel good too..so tight for me" You lay back on his desk as his grip on your hips would surely leave bruises on your soft skin.

Jensen was like a drug you finally got more of and you were loving this.

"I'm so...close Jens" He smiles kissing your lips. "me too..." he tells you to let go whenever you want he liked it when he wasn't in control to much.

You let out a moan as you came around him. He let go inside of you panting. "Fuck that was good" You said with a smile.

He pulls out and says. "Good thing I have a bathroom next to my office." He walks into it and grabs a rag and helps you clean up. You kiss his cheek. "This shouldn't happen again Jensen, it was nice but..it was wrong"

He got dressed and you did the same when he says. "I won't promise you that"

You looked at him making your cheeks turn bright red. This man will be one hell of a teacher...how were you ever going to look at him the same after you two just fucked? You grab your bag and say. "See you tomorrow?"

Jensen nods. "same time same place?" he joked. You shook your head. "I meant for class Jensen" He laughs. "yes see you for class Y/n" You walked out and headed back home. You didn't know what to think about him now. Ugh summer break couldn't come fast enough.

Tags: @k-slla @angelbabyyy99 @cutedisneygrl @jackles010378

[leafyaa]

Chapter 17

"Heizou hurry up! Just bring Maple and blanket and leave the rest in the trunk."

"Okay okay! But Maple is being fuzzy about me carrying him!" Heizou exclaimed while Maple was trying to get out of his grip by trying to scratch his face.

"Ugh I'll carry her just hurry up and open the door!" Sara yelled as she grabbed the blanket and quickly wrapped the cat inside only for its head to stick out.

They both rushed inside the hospital looking for your room.

You just sat there on the bed facing the blank white wall, not saying a single word. Your head was carefully wrapped with bandages.

Kunikuzushi went to buy some water on your request but hadn't returned yet.

You just felt empty.

That letter...

You didn't want to think about it but it kept appearing in your mind as if to taunt you.

It was her exact handwriting too.

Sure she was just a 6 year old girl and sure it had been a while since you’ve seen her write anything. So this was just all a set up... Right?

Okay so if it was faked it still couldn't explain the other thing...

On the bottom of the letter you found another line saying

'She lost her first tooth, aren’t you proud?' It was definitely not written by Hikari, but by someone else.

Right under those words were some red liquid splatters of something you didn't even want to guess..

But the tooth..

The tooth surely was real right? It felt real.. Like a real tooth... Like a kid's tooth..

The tooth was still inside the pocket of your kimono. You had shoved it in there before the police came which was probably breaking the law but whatever you would hand it in later.

But surely everything must have been a prank, right?

More uneasy thoughts filled your head and you felt as if you were about to throw up.

But before that could happen Sara and Heizou stormed inside the room, scaring the shit out of you and your cat out of their grip. She immediately jumped onto your bed and curled into your arms while you looked at your friends.

"Y/n we're so sorry we couldn't be there on time-" Heizou began and Sara continued his sentence.

"They didn't allow us to enter and it took a while to convince them to allow us to pick up Maple." Sara finished with a sigh. The both of them walked over to your hospital bed, sitting on the chair placed next to you and held your hand.

"Y/n, how are you doing..? We've received the news and the investigation has been reopened.." She spoke with a calm voice and watched your blank expression at Maple nuzzling her face into your hands.

"I.. Don't know.." You replied with honesty. Just a minute ago you were interrupted by the both of them bursting inside your hospital room, but now you were staring mindlessly at Maple.

Sara looked hesitant at what to say. She was never good at comforting you about Hikari, after all she never lost a kid before.

Heizou on the hand was somewhat better but still, both of them never had a child they loved. They never felt the feeling of losing complete hope in continuing to live on. And you kept that in mind of course.

"Let's pray for her, okay?" He spoke, trying to break the awkward silence.

You nodded slowly and silently prayed for your daughter to be okay as Heizou took your other hand. You loved her with your whole heart, a heart that could be shattered in seconds if you would receive the news she wasn't here anymore.. You still held hope that she lived even though all the evidence reduced the odds of finding her..

"I want more information." Kunikzushi stated as he sat beside a man dressed in black. He was outside with a plastic bag with two drinks standing next to a bench while talking to the person beside him who read a newspaper.

"Unfortunately it's confidential information, my friend. I can't just give it away." He spoke calmly, turning the page and continuing to read.

"Then why are you here? Just to mock me??" Kunikuzushi became more agitated with every second passing. What was Ayato doing here if not to tell him about what was going on with you?

"Until my investigation is completed I can not reveal anything. Best is, if Y/n tells it herself." He spoke and stood up, dusting the imaginary dust off his clothes.

"Now then I'll take my leave. Make sure to take good care of her." He spoke as if he too felt a sense of responsibility.

"Wait what if.. I give you more intel? Anything, I'll give you anything you want.. Money if you so desperately need it…" Kunikuzushi spoke with desperation, trying to convince Ayato into giving him information while Ayato walked without turning back or stopping.

"Apologies, unfortunately this time, I can not accept it. You have to ask her yourself about her situation. After all, you still love her even if she does not reciprocate it." Kunikuzushi clenched his fist and angrily glared at Ayato as he walked further away in the parking lot. How dared he to just dismiss him?

There was no way he could ask you about the situation. So he had to come up with something else.

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Notes:

It's safe to say I nearly failed every subject but okay. My update is way too late bc I was too lazy to continue to write this chapter so apologies for that. I hope you enjoyed this and I think I'll have another chapter ready in an hour, day or another week

Summary:

You've dated Scaramouche in your high school and college years but just as you wanted to announce your pregnancy to him he broke up with you without any reason. He left you to be a single mom for 7 years. But now that your daughter has been missing and abducted for a year and you've not been doing well and out of a sudden he showed up into your life again trying to apologize for his past mistakes..?

Taglist:

@swivy123 @kichiyosh1 @wwwrizchan @k1t0 @killumeow @pinkdreamerbailifflawyer-blog @samarill @xiaotopia @aqualesha @eattingshits @omoriaddict @mave-in @sketcheeee @xiaossocksniffer @elernity @ohmyfinggod @luvkvni @kunikissr @meadowofdarts @kaorieee @scaramochies @ekriis @rizakari @xxrexx @lovingveliona @magica-ren @lilybythevalley @theflatdoorkicker @lazy-sanns @reixtsu @fullw0rld @kunikuzushis-darling @childesgingerhair @kochothehoe @mercy-not-merci @ash1

[fallenclan]

Everything will we all right, as long as we have each other.

By Dragon Anon

Marshjump sighed, weaving his way through the set of tunnels he and Bearspring had found so many moons ago. He assumed countless apprentices had found the crevasse near their den, squeezing through the sharp opening to explore the ancient trails. 

Marshjump was nearly too large to fit now, but he knew that's where he'd find his sister. The scent of blood was growing stronger, too. "Bearspring?"

"Marshjump?" In the shadows, Marshjump could just make out Bearspring's form. "What are you doing here?"

"Making sure you're all right. You need to see Sagespeckle. Your shoulder-"

"My shoulder is fine," Bearspring snapped. A few moments went by, and she murmured, "Sorry. I'm not mad at you, I just..."

"It's okay." Marshjump pressed his pelt against his littermate's, an unspoken gesture of warmth. "What happened out there?"

"I hesitated."

"That isn't what I meant. Your claws were nearly in Wolfbite's throat. If you hadn't 'hesitated,' you might have killed her."

"I wouldn't have killed her," Bearspring scoffed, ears pinning against her head.

"Wolfbite looked... afraid. She only attacked you so viciously because she thought you were going to... well."

"So you're siding with her now?" Bearspring hissed suddenly, pulling away from Marshjump. The tom blinked in surprise.

"I'm not siding with anyone. Wolfbite is our clanmate. StarClan wouldn't want this. We shouldn't be fighting each other."

"StarClan," Bearspring sneered, shaking her head. "StarClan isn't real, Marshjump."

"What?" The tom recoiled, a mixture of shock and horror surging through him. "How can you say that?"

"What proof do we have of their existence, Marshjump? What good have their rules ever done us?"

"Our mother was given nine lives by StarClan, and blessed to lead this clan. This... nonsense you're speaking needs to stop, Bearspring. I get that you're upset, but-"

"Our mother abandoned us!" Bearspring snapped. "If she actually had nine lives, she wouldn't have lost every one to some mysterious illness. It doesn't add up, Marshjump. Cherrystar never had nine lives, and neither does Ravenstar. It's a necessary lie to keep the clan in line." 

" . . . I didn't know you felt this way."

"There's a lot you don't know."

Marshjump frowned, stung. There had been a time when Bearspring was his closest friend and confidant. Recently, she had grown distant. Harsher. Cruel. "Even if I don't agree, I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing your feelings."

"You sound like Quailcall."

"She's a wise cat."

"She's a pointless cat. She provides nothing for the clan."

Marshjump opened and shut his mouth a few times. Exhaled. "I think we're done talking, Bearspring."

"Fine. Leave."

And so Marshjump left, silent as leafbare's first frost.

...

Marshpaw stared, awed. Sootpaw had caught a ptarmigan nearly mid-flight, sending it crashing back to the ground and snapping its neck. "Incredible work, Sootpaw," Littleleaf purred, trotting forward to praise his apprentice.

Bearpaw frowned. "Where did she learn to do that?"

"She's incredible, isn't she?" Marshpaw was still watching the grey she-cat with open admiration.

"I guess." Bearpaw flexed her claws. "I bet I could do that, too."

Marshpaw glanced at his sister. "Why don't we go practice hunting, and next time you can be the one to catch a ptarmigan mid-flight?"

"Yeah." Bearpaw's gaze brightened. "Okay. Let's go train!"

...

"Where's your sister?" 

"What?" Marshjump started, looking up from the squirrel he'd been gnawing on a moment ago.

"She promised to go hunting with me later," Sootstep drawled. "And yet she's nowhere to be seen. Typical."

"Bearspring is still recovering from her injury. She shouldn't be hunting or--or doing anything, anyway."

Sootstep flicked her tail dismissively. "Bearspring doesn't need you to make her decisions for her. Just let me know if you see her, okay? And tell her I won't wait around for her forever. I'll just end up going with Flamefall instead."

". . . okay."

...

"Eep! It moved!" Bearkit sprang backwards, tail puffed up like a bottlebrush.

"Don't worry, I'll get it," Marshkit mrrped, scrambling forward. With a swift swipe, Marshkit dispatched the spider that had been terrorizing his sister. 

"Thank you." Bearkit bonked her head against her littermate's, purring softly. 

"Of course. Just remember, everything will be all right, as long as we have each other." Marshkit grinned. "Now, why don't we play warriors? I wanna be Cherrystar this time. . ."

...

Marshjump froze. Ripplefade, oblivious to his son's tension, continued idly chatting about clan news. 

Marshjump's gaze was locked on Bearspring, who was perched near Ravenstar and Levi. The three seemed to be having a pleasant discussion. It filled Marshjump with dread.

"...and then Frozenkit bit my tail! Tch. Pebblefreeze lets them get away with anything. I don't blame her, though. Her kits sure are cute. Not as cute as you and your sister when you two were kits, though, but... ah, Marshjump? Are you listening?"

"What? Sorry." Marshjump's gaze flicked to Ripplefade, who was watching him expectantly. "I'm listening."

"All right. So, while I was scolding Frozenkit, Tempestkit started sneaking off! I didn't even notice at first..." Ripplefade's voice became a jumble of meaningly words to Marshjump within moments. 

He sighed. Really, he should enjoy these happy moments. And yet, he couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding. Melancholy. Disquiet. 

Shaking his head, Marshjump settled down beside his father, forcing the disturbed thoughts from his mind. Everything would turn out all right.

He was sure of it.

-🐉

(little exploration of marsh and bear's relationship. would be a shame if anything bad were to happen to them /silly)

(beetle note: a shame indeed :3 i love love love this fic, your characterization of bear and marsh is so good!!!! and i always adore all the little details you add in,,, Pebblefreeze letting her kits get away with anything really stuck out to me. its so true)

[melodic-haze]

I HAD NO IDEA U WROTE FOR HSR OMG.. what do you think of bratty sub seele who just wants you to put her in her place?? i love her so bad i feel sick omfgjdksn

☆ — DEMO TRACK: sub!Seele x dom!Reader

☆ — TYPE: NSFW

☆ — CONTENT WARNINGS: Reader has a cock/strap referred as such 🤷‍♀️, rough sex, impact play, dumbification, orgasm denial, vibrator use, implied public vibe play :3

☆ — NOTES: 🌈THE MORE YOU KNOW🌈 YES I DO WRITE FOR HSR!!! I've been on the grind recently too. Like initially I found it kinda boring but I came back bc of Acheron so now I have it running in auto the bg while I'm doing coursework. I'm waiting for Robin but I'm still in FUCKING XIANZHOU 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Bratty sub Seele ohhhhhmygod anon I think I'm going to COMBUST dude

All that bravado and what does she use it on? Fucking pissing you off to the high heavens above

She's a headstrong character!! She don't gaf ab what anyone thinks when she KNOWS she's in the right (and even when she's wrong she'll still put up a fight lmfao)

Unfortunately for you (or fortunately, whichever way you look at it 🤷‍♀️), she LOVES going out of her way to be deliberately infuriating too, making sure you're watching her all the while

You're glad that Seele and Bronya are enjoying themselves. Really, you are! Having Belobog united again proved to be a good decision, and having them spearhead the tides of change turned out to be more than beneficial.

..But for some reason, today just seemed off. You don't know why, but you felt irritated.

Maybe it was what you ate this morning, maybe it was something that happened yesterday.. or maybe it was how Seele behaved.

You accompanied her to help with the efforts to unify all of Belobog once again, but ypu feel yourself regretting it when you see how.. business seems to be conducted.

It started off as small touches here and there; the Wildfire member giving Belobog's brand new Guardian a pat on the back, or a touch on her shoulder to grab her attention when the latter was focused on the paperwork in front of her. But then it progressed—Seele leaning into Bronya's back to read something that caught her attention, holding her hand when it isn't really necessary...

Of course body contact isn't really rare between the two—they formed some kind of bond when Bronya was stuck in the Underground—but there was just something extra annoying to how your girlfriend had haphazardly draped herself on the Silvermane Commander's body.

You did feel bad for feeling this way, especially when Bronya was involved because the poor girl did nothing wrong! But when you see the Underworlder smirk right at you as she went to hug the new Guardian for a problem now solved?

It was really hard not to get annoyed.

What's worse is that it seems that Seele knew that well.

You try to drag her away for a little "break" and she fully denies ANYTHING she's done

"You know," she says with a smug grin, "if you're going to try and help, then you should probably start by analysing what we do less and helping us with the work more."

You crossed your arms, "Don't know if you've noticed, but I have been doing it. Oh, but you were practically all over Bronya, so it's no surprise you didn't notice a thing."

She shrugged, "I've just been showing my appreciation for her efforts. Being the Supreme Guardian seems like a hassle, so."

While you do agree, you can't help but feel your blood boil a little at the smug look on her face.

She knew what she was doing.

And you can't have that.

You don't drag her back home immediately, no. You did still have a job to do, and it'd be rude to leave Bronya alone last minute!!! But when you were basically allowed to go, you drag her back IMMEDIATELY. She's gonna be complaining all the while, and even if you snap at her and tell her to behave she won't. It's like she WANTS to be punished (she does 🤷‍♀️)

And when you do get home? Ohhh you need to take action right that very second bc she'd STILL a huge loudmouth, she won't shut her gob about how you're 'overreacting' or something........so you may as well use that mouth for something

Instead of snapping at her, snap your hips to her mouth 🥰 let that dick fill her mouth up, give her something else to do aside from constantly talk shit and essentially dig her grave even more than necessary!!! Don't hold back either, cuz if you do then she's gonna taunt you. "'s that the best you've got? Please," she'd go. Make her work on you before absolutely ABUSING her face, make her gag and forget whatever retort she had ready. Oh, she wanted you to be rougher?? She better not come crying to you by the time you're done 🫶

You pull out of her after a bit but you're not done. Oh NOnonono absolutely not lol you turn her around and push her down so she's on all fours with her back facing you. You have to punish her thoroughly, you can't just leave it half-assed!!! Slap her ass hard, do NOT hold anything back this bitch is gonna keep whining you like a little brat otherwise. You need to discipline her properly, so keep abusing her backside until it's all red and her eyes are glazing over

Oh, but what's this???? Despite the fact that she's yelping and screaming from every hit you inflict on her, when you palm her cunt you realise that she's soaking wet down there, and she only gets wetter the more you spank her. Is your poor little baby actually getting off on this?? Actually pathetic lol

Just like everything else in your session, fuck her fast and HARD. Absolutely abuse her hole down here just like you did her other one until she can't even form fucking words anymore. Don't stop spanking her either!!! So much would be happening at once and her tiny little brain won't be able to handle it, turning into mush as you fuck her sooooo dumb

The pace you went at was absolutely relentless, only ever stopping when you felt tired, not if she needed a break. And why would you ever ask her if she needed a break? Even as she kept begging you to stop because it feels too much, she can't think anymore, why would you ever consider actually thinking about her? If she really wanted you fo stop, you both know that the safeword is right there.

Plus with the way Seele looks right now—mouth agape as drool trailed down her chin, eyes rolled back, slick coating your cock and her thighs—you don't really think she wants to stop. Quite the opposite, actually.

"Is this.. what you wanted the entire time?" You grunted as you pulled her neckerchief up to get her closer to you and maybe cut off her breathing, but when you feel her buck against you with moan, you find that she isn't complaining in the least. Your force never falters as you spoke, "Me having my way.. with you.. and reminding you where you belong?"

You hadn't really expected an answer from her in this state, not like you cared when you were more concerned about essentially reducing her into nothing but your pretty little fleshlight, but you see her nod shakily.

When she hums out in agreement, it comes out as more of a whine when your tip hits that particular spot inside her, "Y-- Yeeeesss..! Fuuuck, I've been sss-- such a bad girl-- ohfuckfuckFUCK right thereee... I'll do whate-- whatever you want just pleasepleasepleaseeee don't stop I'm almost--"

You rolled her eyes, "If you wanted attention, all you had to do was say so.. but if you love this so much then what's stopping me from just--" you let go of her neckerchief and slipped yourself out while your palm hits her stinging skin particularly hard, "--taking it all away from you?"

There, she lets out the biggest fucking whine as she drops before she screams out, her legs quivering and her pussy fluttering around nothing. Her cum gushes out of her, wetting the surface underneath you, as her body shook at the force of her orgasm.

"I didn't give you permission to cum, baby."

"'m.. s-sorryyy... Please don't be mad, I--"

"'Sorry' this, 'please' that, you get the opportunity to be a dumb brat and you take it happily but the moment it's something you want, you try to be a good girl." You turn her around so that she's facing you and you hit her inner thigh with a glare, to which she sobs so pathetically, "You're being selfish, Seele. I think I need to break you in again, make you remember how you behave."

Her breath hitches and she looks at you with such wide and teary eyes, but you know with the way her pupils are blown wide that she more than wants this.

By the time you're near finished, you COULD actually have her cum on your terms.....OR you could absolutely deny her of that privilege because really, why would you ever reward her for being a little shit????

Pull out of her when she hits her peak and make her suck your cock as you put a vibrator in her pussy in the lowest possible fucking setting. She's gonna whine and plead you to help her finish but don't help her 🤷‍♀️ tell her to leave it in until tomorrow's day ends. If she doesn't act like a whore like she did today then you'll reward her greatly!!!! But if not? Then you'll be doing this all over again, having the vibe in her and stimulating her in public until she learns to behave

That's what she wanted after all—to be punished appropriately

She acts like she's against it too, but if she was then she would've made it genuinely known and she could take it out herself.....but when you see her put her clothes on the next day with the toy peeking out before she coves it up with her panties, well. Doesn't seem like she really hates it after all 🫶

[balkanradfem]

So, I was biking to work this morning, and while I was riding across the bridge, something happened to the bike. The pedals twisted, and turned they were angled the wrong way, I could tell they were no longer straight. I figured they got a little loose and I would simply fasten them back on when I get home, and I continued forward. I went past a mom and a little girl, both on their bikes, who were pedaling carefully together. Then my chain fell off. Annoyed, I grabbed a glove that I keep on my bike at all times, grabbed the chain, and fastened it back on. It's a common thing for my bike to drop the chain, it's something I repeatedly have to dismantle it for and fix, and now the pedals were weird too. I hopped back on, started pedaling, and then the back wheel fell off the bike.

I am not joking, in mid-ride, my bike split into two pieces, back wheel fell off, the bike fell apart, under me, while I was driving it. The mom and little girl behind me caught up to me just in time to witness this, and all three of us just stared in shock in two pieces of bike on the ground that were, seconds before, carrying me to work.

I gasped and laughed in pure shock, feeling dizzy because that is a wild thing to happen. The mother looked concerned and I reassured her that I was fine, I was going slow and was able to just step away from the bike before it crushed to the ground. We stood there in shock for a few seconds, and then I asked 'Well, is there any trash container nearby, I can't leave it here', and she offered to help me carry a piece of it to the nearest trash disposal. The reasn why the bike broke into two became obvious once I inspected it – the metal base broke into two. I have noticed before that the base had some kind of a crack in it, but I didn't think it was a serious issue – the bike still worked, it didn't make any funny noises, I felt good and stable on it, would one expect it to break into two? No. But it was the only possible logical ending to it.

I got a great adrenaline high that morning, first the bike broke into two, which is in my opinion, the best possible way for a bike to go. If there was anything less final wrong with it, I would be fixing it endlessly, refusing to accept that it was over, despite the bike having million of issues and being older than me probably. Then next, I met the great woman who helped me carry it to the trash! She was so sweet and kind to help me, at 8am, while I was crashing on the sidewalk. And the last good thing was that I knew there was no fixing the bike, I wouldn't spend countless hours trying to make it work, it was definitely over.

I left the bike next to the trash, deciding to go back after work and savage the little basket it had, and maybe to collect some parts, like the chain or the bell. I was a little late to work, and I felt like my reason was pretty funny, so I came in and said 'Sorry I'm a bit late! My bike broke into two on my way here!' and I laughed it off feeling thrilled about my adventure. The woman I work for looked at me absolutely horrified, and I laughed more and reassured her I was not upset or injured, and instead had a great time during this fun event.

'You could take my bike.' She suggested, and I laughed this off too, saying I can walk home, it wasn't that far (I did not confess to people at work that I had a neck injury or that I can't walk far). However she said that she had a bike she wasn't using and I could have it, and I shrugged and said well okay, and she went to fetch it.

I still was not taking her very seriously, because acquiring another bike is a serious issue for me, and I never expected someone would just, give me one, but when she came back she explained I could just have it. I assumed she meant 'borrow until I got a new one', but she said 'no I'm not using it', and insisted I should take it. That was a bit surreal for me and it took me a while to adjust to the idea of just getting a new bike for free. It wouldn't be the kind of bike I wanted, but there would be no financial consequences to my bike breaking, which is amazing.

After work, I got to see my new bike! It was in one piece, which is its best feature compared to my old bike. But, otherwise, it is a kind of bike I would never volountarily buy; it has multiple speeds, which makes it difficult to pedal. It's also not made for carrying much weight, which I need a bike to do, for gardening purposes. But, I would never go and criticize a free bike! I could always decide to buy another bike for gardening, this bike is mine now, and it works, and it's so much more functional that my old bike, it's chain doesn't drop, it doesn't have a broken base, the pedals are facing the correct way. What a great thing to have!

I checked in on my old broken bike, it was still there, next to the trash. I tried to dismantle the little basket, and realized I couldn't do it without tools. I decided to bike quickly home, get tools, and then dismantle the usable pieces. My new bike didn't have a working bell, or the way to hold a bag on the back wheel, and I wanted to see if I could transfer it from the old bike to new.

I got back in 20 minutes or less, and my old bike, was gone. Someone already grabbed it to salvage the parts. I wasn't mad, I left it on the trash, it was in two pieces, it was absolutely fair game. I was a bit relieved, because I felt awful disposing of it in such un-proper way, just leavin it next to the public trash containers. It was great that someone found use of it so immediately! Even if they took my little basket, and my little bell that still worked. I hope they cherish those parts, as I did.

I think that bike was the greatest bike in the world. I loved it so much. I had tons of trouble with it, I was always dismantling and fixing it. I ruined some parts of it, and knew it had an expiration date. I learned so much about fixing bikes while working on it. I learned so much about life and how difficult it can be without a bike, when you can't walk for long.  It gave me so much joy riding it around. It was lightweight, with huge wheels that made it so easy to get around. It never tired me out.

I was aware it was an old, used, and close-to-its-end bike, so I usually never took it out to go to trips or for fun times. But I did yesterday. I was inside for too long and I decided to take the bike out and just go around the city, and then ride next to the river for a while, collect some wild flowers. It was the best of times we had together. Now it's going to be my favourite memory of it, our last trip together. Except of course, the breaking in half, that was too iconic to forget. I truly used that bike until the last second of its life.

[kairorow]

Opponent in chess, lovers in bed

"I like playing chess. On the chessboard, we focus only on each other, racking our brains to corner the opponent. What pure pleasure"

TW: Nsft and Breeding

When I said you got beaten bad it's so BAD gurl was being aggressive while playing👹 not even letting you win one chess game is making you want to rip your hair out and cry in a corner like LET MY POOKIE WIN👹👹😥🥲 you literally went through 5 stages of grief because of her😞😞

"I should get a reward, don't you think so chief?" POOKIE LITERALLY ASKED FOR A REWARD WHEN YOU WERE STRESSING LIKE making you stressed over a game wasn't enough??? 😡

But being a good little Chief like you are you obeyed (obeyed🤨🤨?) like her toy and asked her

"what is it?"

Gurl literally whispered an inaudible thing to your ears while you were blushing like hell

Nightingale watching the cams rn: 🤨👀

"Are you sure, Chief? if something happens then I will not know about it-"

"I'll be fine, Nightingale"

Pookie was so worried that Eirene will beat you in one way or another 🤨 but since you reassured her she obeyed and stopped stalking you two through the camera

[nsft below]

After that Eirene wasted no time and pinned you on the wall to kiss you, she took your soft, gentle, cold hands to her face and rubs it affectionately (I think pookies falling for you)

after that she threw your coat across the room, making the chessboard messy and some pieces on the floor and unbuttoned your shirt.

She kissed your palm while looking at you then threw your shirt off, sighing as she saw ANOTHER layer of your clothes, your turtleneck, gurl was the one STRESSING now like you got your revenge😈😈

"tsk."

She said as she rips it off you revealing your boing boing, taking off your bra revealing your pink puffy nipples.

She wasted no time and sucks it like there's no tomorrow because WHO WOULDN'T WANT THAT PUFFY PINK-

"mhm... heh.. I knew you had such a divine body.."

Talking with your mouth full is a big NO NO so as a punishment you pushes her head back on your ample breasts while she keeps mumbling

you had gotten tired of standing so you sat on her lap.

pookie felt a mountain while sitting like🤨 you knew she had a cock, but still surprising.

she only notices it when you yelp and she chuckles and pulls it out.

She was BIG BIG

she teases your asshole with her tip, it got you squirming like why are you targeting that🤨 take my virginity first-

She knew you wanted it inside your puss when you whimpered which she has paid attention and put it inside as you wanted.

She was gentle and romantic with you, thrusting oh so slowly, enjoying her first time with you with her big coc, like are you two lovers now? why treat you like one? where's the label?!!?

she got from being gentle to being ROUGH

She's thrusting into like there's no tomorrow, got you worried like CALM DOWN you forgot your pills😥😥 like got you thinking I wanted to be bred by someone smart but not this time😥 you two literally had no label and she has the audacity to breed you right away and make her mine.

she chuckles and at your expression and decided to point it out

"why so quiet, Chief?"

"do I really need to t-talk while you're pounding m-me?" you stuttered and kisses her, making her chuckle and kissing you back

"not really~ do you mind if I breed you hm~?" gurl was teasing you and got you blushing like a tomato

but being her good little self implied wife like you are you nodded and agreed letting her pull out slowly and push back in until she hits your cervix making you squirt and letting her cum deep inside and breed you.

Making her body collapse on top of you due to tiredness you hugged her while she comes down from her high (who wouldn't want a good aftercare)

she then looked up at you and kisses you, making her mumble "I love you" which she wished you didn't hear.

[lunareiitic]

Ahead of 2.2 tonight, I'm thinking about prisoners.

2.1 Spoilers ahead: be warned.

It was pointed out to me earlier today that when Sparkle references "two mutes" to Aventurine, that she could be referring to several people. The other mute initially appears to be Robin, since she's dead and a singer who can no longer sing. But, on reflection, Sunday has been muted just as much. In Concerto For Two, she notes with bitterness that she feels that "their" dream hasn't been realized, perhaps implying that her dream was always to share the stage with Sunday as equals.

Aventurine is a prisoner in many respects: this is simple and easy to understand. One of his Eidolon's is literally called "Prisoner's Dilemma". Penacony used to be a prison complex, and it still is, after a fashion. As I often say "if you wish to escape, but cannot, it is a prison. If you cannot escape but do not wish to do so, it is a fortress." Sunday, who seems so preoccupied with the past: he keeps a framed Concerto For Two light cone in his office, he's the first to call out Gallagher's trait amalgamation of every person he's ever loved, he's the nominal head of the Oak Family: Penacony's administrative branch. He wants to preserve the life he's built up for himself and his sister, and now is suffocating under the bureaucracy he so longed to control. Now, with the one thing he was so desperate to keep lost, he isn't even allowed the space to publicly grieve. Muted, not unlike a jazz trumpet. Firefly, trapped in her own body, slowly but surely losing herself. It's clear that the SAM armor might be some kind of stopgap measure (or perhaps its her unique condition that allows her to pilot it), but her confession in 2.0 didn't seem to be lies. She gains nothing by lying about that. Penacony is a paradise for someone like her, whose reality is so bleak. There's a reason she doesn't play her hand as early as she could: and part of that is probably plot reasons, but part of that feels... sentimental. She didn't want to tarnish the Trailblazer's memory of her: preferable to die and be replaced than to betray them. That's very natural, isn't it? That desire to prolong something sweet, even though it's impossible. And then there's Robin: prisoner in ways that reflect the three we've already met. Her trailer makes key note of this: the celebrity, the sexualization, the objectification, the derealization that comes with being such a pivotal cultural icon. If she feels that Sunday doesn't share her dreams, it's clear that he doesn't realize this: look and see his arm shining her halo in the opening of her trailer. Her very own brother, her closest guardian, being the architect of her torment. He's rather mythologized her, hasn't he? Even to her only family, Robin is a legendary figure, a perfect angel that cannot do wrong, on whom all of Penacony rests. It's interesting how once she starts fantasizing, all of the people in her mindscape become puppets or shadows: people about as real to her as she is to the masses. Sunday isn't there at all: nobody is. How much has happened since he joined the Oak Family and she (assumedly) joined the Iris Family?

A popular theory: what if Robin isn't dead? What if she faked her own death, as Firefly did? She clearly couldn't escape on her own, with her fame and importance to the Family's public image. Gallagher doesn't give Sunday an answer about why he used Death on Robin. What if she felt it was better for him to think her dead, than to think of her as a traitor?

[danothan]

speaking of sharing one bed, one of my fondest memories is when i visited my friend cierra and brought her back to the hotel so that we'd stay up all night talking. my mom was already asleep on one of the beds, so we had to whisper and everything felt so intimate and secretive and fun

it got rly late and i could tell she was getting tired, but one thing abt me is that i never sleep first at a sleepover, so i told her we didn’t have to keep talking, we could pick it up later. but she made a challenge out of it. she said she didn’t want to “miss anything” and was going to stay up as late as possible until i tired myself out of talking, which we both knew wasn’t going to happen, but i accepted the challenge anyway

so i continued rambling abt god knows what, and i could see her getting sleepier and sleepier, but against all odds she was still responsive. i suggested that she should at least lie down, and i could keep talking until one of us (her) passes out. so she got in bed and i got on the little corner chair, and she was like why are you doing that. get on the bed.

my blood froze i won’t lie. i think i just dismissed it or smth bc she said “i don’t mind” and i told her “ik you don’t, but i do.” i have a huge thing abt touching and the thought of accidentally touching someone in my sleep makes me sick. and she knew that. but then she said “i can sleep under the blanket and you can sleep over it so that it creates a barrier. and i'm not making you sleep on the chair in YOUR hotel room.”

idk if she knows how much it touched (ha) me that she took that into consideration and how much i still think abt it. so we laid like that w me continuing my rambles and her responses getting shorter and mumblier. i started talking abt things i knew she didn't give a shit abt if only to hear my own voice as proof of my consciousness, and by 4am, i turned over and went “cierra?” to no response. so i told her goodnight and fell sound asleep over the blanket

anyway that’s the closest i ever lived out fanfiction