#I realise I’m not saying anything new here but I hate seeing other writers beat themselves up about it

[shibaraki]

I wanted to say it’s alright if you care about notes. it’s normal for you to want your work to be received well and for your effort to be acknowledged. wanting that does not make you a shallow writer or a bad person—you don’t need to punish yourself for feeling upset or disheartened by a lack of engagement. it’s only if you start measuring your own value or the quality of your work by the amount of notes (or kudos) it gets that it starts being an issue. you’re allowed to care but don’t let it impede your desire to write or distract you from the community you already have, even if it is ‘small’

[jungxk]

just one (viii)

summary: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

notes: first of all i wanna thank the people who supported me and encouraged me through one of the worst writers blocks of my life. all the messages and comments are the reason why i finally managed to post this. special thanks to @whippedforkook for helping me with the monstrous tagging process as well as giving me so much praise. and also @lonelyending for cheering me on for a literal YEAR bc thats how long i cried over this fic! this story is so special to me. we’re in the home stretch now x

warnings: mentions of illegal drug use and distribution, swearing, brief smut.

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 8k

tagging: @cutechim @benz-biarritz @gyukult @bangulin @eatersanonymous @alyssa1926 @skivv1es @a-sucker-for-them-sappy-shit @moonights @jeymuffins @juuneaux @catsukiii @andreaisaac @whatheydontunderstand @sreveles @noruls619 @henryharios @just-a-fuxked-up-kid @befriendswithj @btsbesharam @poemsandpunani @taelha @misosoup-forthesoul @jikooksmut @heart-eyedmf @the-piano-woman @angrysunshine @chaoticpaperfanhoagie @jsungshine @ci-yen @faby-montana @shinypeanutsportshero @jooniestrivia @alucards-s @cynamyngirl @jiminie-angel @myskoova @jkshoneybuns @smokintae @remmykinsff @majinbuwu @jangx2manboongx2 @potatodogs @seul-queen @alpharyth @blenxxxg @plsky @th-singularity @bapbaptothetop @hermiones-enchantment @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @euphorora @supachloe94 @jiminxjimout @ggukkieland @just-another-fic-recs-blog @jalexad​

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

x

4 years ago

x

jimin hated yugyeom.

well, maybe hate was a strong word. he just didn't like talking to him, being around him, hearing his name or interacting with him on any level, social or otherwise. he really tried though, since he was one of jungkook's closest friends and still respectfully referred to him as hyung above all else. and if anything, jimin would always have a soft spot for jungkook, the kid he used to coddle when his own brother wasn't around. but having said that, there wasn't really much basis for not liking yugyeom. it was just a gut feeling jimin couldn't explain, a very subtle callousness about him only jimin could pick up on. for the most part he was just like very other mild mannered boy by day and party animal by night, but jimin still ducks when he sees him enter the library.

"fuck," he hisses under his breath, scooping up his laptop to stride behind a book shelf for good measure. because sometimes, contrary to popular belief, jimin wanted to be alone. he didn't want to make small talk or listen to someone tell him about how well they scored on their last paper or complain about their annoying girlfriend. sometimes jimin wanted to have no thoughts and listen to fleetwood mac as per his human rights. which is why he shoves into the first private study room he sees.

and not an empty one at that. there's a girl inside, sitting cross-legged in her chair at a desk with an array of dried up paint tubes and brushes surrounding open sketchbooks. you don't look annoyed or even that phased, just amused as you give him a once over before going back to painting. "on the run from solji?"

jimin blinks, back still pressed against the door. "huh?" he regards you properly. "i'm sorry, have we met before?"

"not really," you admit with a sheepish smile, which is when jimin suddenly realises that you're...attractive. "solji is in my stats class. you hooked up with her last week at some party and she told me about it."

"oh," jimin takes in your plethora of art supplies. "you don't look like a stem student."

there's a glimmer of something in your eyes, and though you hide it well jimin knows he's struck a nerve. "yeah, i get that a lot."

"it's not solji by the way," jimin clarifies. for some reason. "that i'm hiding from. just a bellend i don't have the energy for right now."

you smile. "it's fine. you don't owe me your life story."

"i do when i'm about to impose on your...study time," jimin peers through the window in the door, wincing when yugyeom enters the hallway. "what would it take for you to let me stay in here for a while?"

you pause for a second. "honestly? just be quiet and leave me alone. is that okay?"

jimin perks up, a weight leaving his chest. "perfect, actually."

x

x

x

[jungkook 11:42pm]: why does it say wings on it

[jungkook 11:42pm] where is it flying

[you: 11:43pm] ffs kook

[you: 11:44pm] im still on the toilet can u just hurry up

[you 11:44pm] grab some tampons too pls

[jungkook 11:46pm] fine what size pussy do u wear

[you 11:46pm] i hate u

[jungkook 11:53pm] ???? ? ? well? ????

[you 11:54pm] REGULAR 

jungkook giggles at his phone, already having left the women's sanitary aisle to grab some chocolate. months later and teasing you was still bundles of fun. he knew for a fact that you were sat there with that angry pout on your face, nose crinkled. he had never bought anything like this before, but jungkook had enough brain cells to know that chocolate was another necessity for that time of the month. after grabbing a large hazelnut bar, he pauses beside the oreos before grabbing a packet of those too. just for good measure. he strides to the self checkout - because even he wasn't man enough for the cashier yet - nearly dropping his array of sanitary products and confectionary when somebody calls out his name from behind the queue.

"kook!" the voice is unmistakably yugyeom's, confirmed by the hand that clamps jungkook over the shoulder and swivels him round before he could think about hiding his socially compromising shopping items. it takes a second for yugyeom to notice, doing a double take at the pads atop his small tower of goods. he holds back a laugh, balancing a bottle of gin in one hand while he waves back at some friends to continue. they were clearly making their pit stop before a night out, probably pre's if they still start as late as jungkook remembers. with his hair styled and expensive cologne lingering, jungkook almost forgets he probably looks unrecognisable in his sweats and cotton-fresh hoodie. friday nights weren't for cuddling. still, yugyeom's smile is welcoming and familiar. "got the munchies? and maybe also a uterus?"

"shut up," jungkook grumbles, averting his eyes. he shifts to his other foot uncomfortably. "my friend just needed a favour, that's all."

"uh huh," yugyeom gives him a teasing look. "is this friend the reason why i barely saw you at jin's the other week?"

jungkook blinks back at him. "wait, you were at that party? i had no idea!" a boyish smile breaks over his face. "why didn't you call me? i haven't seen you since-"

"minseok-hyung's new years eve party," yugyeom throws his head back with a laugh. "remember how we ended up on a boat after the ball dropped and-"

"spent all of new years day detained by the coast guard!" jungkook finishes with a mischievous cackle of his own, nearly dropping the tampons in the process. "fuck, that was so much fun! we need to meet up again, i haven't been out with the guys in so long."

"well no wonder," he quips a brow at jungkook's shopping again. "word got out you're a family man but i didn't believe it. until now, that is."

jungkook's smile falls. "what do you mean?"

yugyeom looks at him for a second, confused by jungkook's surprise. yugyeom was never quite as diplomatic as namjoon or yoongi, to put it lightly. and definitely nowhere near as accomodating as jimin. which is why his next words make jungkook's back stiffen. "bro, look at yourself. you got dairy milk in one hand and tampax in the other. on a friday night. the next time i see you i wouldn't be shocked if you had a baby buggy and a mortgage." still, yugyeom throws him an apologetic look. like a mouse caught in a trap. "face it, kook. you're old news."

"what? that's not true," his brows furrow unhappily. "i don't know what you're talking about. it's not like she's my..."

he can't say the word, but it hangs between them like a dead weight.

"yeah, right," the condescending look on yugyeom's face was starting to agitate him. "you totally blanked us at jin's after she showed up. not even just jin's..." he thinks twice about holding his tongue, but as always, decides against it. "i don't know you, jungkook. whoever this new jungkook is. it's been months. you used to hit us up and be independent and spontaneous and wild and now you're just...someone's boyfriend.

"stop fucking saying that," jungkook snaps, all visible signs of friendliness gone.

"why?" a beat. "do you even use a wrap with her anymore?"

jungkook splutters, heat rushing to his ears and hands in a stinging combination of anger and embarrassment. "how is that any of your business? the fuck are you asking me something like that, as if you-"

"thought so," yugyeom looks away from him with a sigh. if anything, yugyeom knew never to overstay his welcome but that clearly backfired tonight. "whatever, jungkook," he looks over his shoulder at him. "guess you're the last one to find out you're officially married."

"you're ridiculous," jungkook scoffs. "all this over condoms? grow up, yugyeom."

"only couples do it raw," yugyeom turns away from him, alcohol in tow as he waves a hand over his shoulder to join his friends like jungkook was nothing but a lost cause. "you would remember that if you still had game."

jungkook stands there, dumbfounded while the group of boys exit the store noisily but he can't hear a thing. the siren that had been itching the back of his mind all this time was suddenly there at full force, right between his eyes. the glaring truth that yugyeom might be right makes his knees buckle. all those rules jungkook once had, all those measures he kept in place to protect his liberty, to prevent this very occurence - where were they? what happened to them? as the sweet and accommodating counterpart to jimin, why had you never complied? though, the blame wasn't on your hands alone. he got complacent, comfortable. lenient. and now without even realising he was here, a scene from a romcom in the middle of the night, with nothing to say for himself but fuck. the realisations wouldn't stop racing, one after another on the conveyer belt of his anxiety.

the photos on his phone; mostly you. time spent, usually with you. the portfolio for his latest photography module also had some resemblance to your interests. charcoal pencils, night drives, orchids. like the ones you always drew on any scrap of paper lying around. now that he thinks about it, he's seen nothing but your orchids for months. and not just that - you wore his clothes sometimes too. his bathroom had your toothbrush, contraceptive pills and coconut shampoo. his closest friends, his hyungs...not one of them was devoid of affection for you. he wasn't even confident that if the choice was presented, they would still pick him over you.

by the time jungkook finishes paying and practically sprints to his truck in a daze, he can hardly keep himself from shaking. he palms the wheel compulsively, he could feel the sweat in his sideburns, hoodie suddenly suffocating him. it smelled of you.

and then, like a final curtain call: was he just your latest fixer-upper project? some good girl wet dream to play out in the wake of your emotionally traumatic past? a slap in the face to seokjin, maybe, and nothing more? when you were done, when he was out of your system, when you knew his taste by heart and had nothing new left to try - would you stay? did you even know how to?

did he?

jungkook starts the engine. he drives to your door, drops your bag of snacks and pads on the porch, and texts you before leaving. he does not go inside.

x

x

x

"you sure you'll be okay with just the boys?"

you scoff at seulgi when she pins you with a worrying look, taking some of her clothes out of her bag to re-fold them just so you had something to do with your hands. jisoo had already left for the long weekend with her family, so there was no one there to fill up the empty space between your awakward reply. you didn't know how to tell the girls that jungkook hadn't contacted you in nearly a month. and even though he was a notable flight risk from the beginning, you couldn't help but feel like there was hostility there. every now and again he'd at least send a nude or have a quick phone call when he was drunk or high at three in the morning, but you hadn't heard a peep from him. you couldn't stand the idea of someone you cared about harbouring comtempt for you, but the fear of reaching out and somehow making the situation worse outweighed it tenfold. 

you look up to see seulgi still staring at you with concern. "of course i'll be fine! they're boys, not piranhas."

"at least piranhas contribute our ecosystem. boys just cause problems for the hell of it," seulgi lays a hand on the crown of your head like a berating big sister, swivelling you to look at her in your fit of giggles. the urge to nestle you under blankets like a baby bird made her chest heave, and you could tell. "i'm serious. if jimin tries anything, call me immediately okay?"

"jimin?" you snort. "out of a room full of delinquents, my ex, and taehyung, you're worried about jimin of all people?"

seulgi wrinkles her nose. "god, when you say it like that its like i'm throwing you to the dogs." she pauses. "something's up with jimin. i don't know what it is, but he's...off."

you tilt your head innocently, remembering the brief interaction you had with hobi at seokjin's party. you had been so caught up in jungkook - or lack thereof - you hadn't thought to press him about it afterwards. in truth, jimin remained as...jimin as ever. if he was acting differently you certainly couldn't tell. "you think so?"

"mmm," she leans on the lip of the open suitcase thoughtfully. "but maybe with jungkook there, he'll behave himself."

you gulp, fiddling with his watch on your wrist anxiously. "maybe."

x

x

x

you nearly yelp when you feel a big hand swivel around your waist, bucking into the kitchen counter reflexively. jungkook always did this before rubbing his boner against your ass, but the light scent of citrus and short squeeze lets you know immediately that its taehyung. hoseok, jimin, namjoon and yoongi were still in the living room playing video games, giving taehyung the perfect opening to intercept you. namjoon and yoongi had insisted that you come over to their place after finding out you'd be alone for the weekend, and you had completely refused before taehyung's coaxing. and of course, jimin's persuasive nudging. even though you felt safe and relaxed here, it felt wrong to be in jungkook's friends' place without him. almost like a breaching of an unspoken boundary.

and clearly, taehyung picked up on your discomfort by the way he stared at you so softly. his back was to the sink, his sillhouette particularly long and lean this evening. "you need to lighten up, princess. you keep looking over your shoulder so much it's making me nervous!"

your visibly droop with a sigh. "i'm sorry tae. i've had a lot on my mind lately, and..."

he claps his hands on your shoulders, teeth peeking through his grin. "you're not doing anything illegal by being here without jungkook."

you wince at his name. "have you always been able to read my mind like this?"

"absolutely," taehyung's brown eyes look so rich up close. "you're allowed to have friends that are also his friends, because - and try to stick with me on this - relationships between people are allowed to be independant from the primary circles they met in. mind boggling concept, i know."

you wack him on the chest until he laughs. "stop making fun of my anxious thought processes! its called mental illness, sherlock! i can't help it!"

his nose scrunches cutely, enjoying your first fiery outburst of the day. "whatever. i call it not getting laid for a month and losing critical thinking abilities from it."

you gape at him indignantly while taehyung roars with laughter. "you're such a dickhead," you hiss through gritted teeth, yanking his hair and jabbing your fingers in his sides the way you would with jimin during a tickle fight. "whores have feelings too, taehyung! whores have feelings too!"

you both fall about with laughter, knocking over half the snacks on the counter in the process which only makes the pair of you laugh even more. it's such childish chaos trying to clean up the mess on the tiny kitchen floor that neither of you notice the front door open, or the gust of metaphorical and literal wind that follows. watching taehyung trying to salvage a bag of broken crisps is just so funny that the presence of an another voice in the living room goes unregistered, as do the footsteps leading up the hallway to the kitchen, so you have no time to brace yourself or properly pull yourself together with you see-

"...jungkook."

yours and taehyung's heads snap to the doorway. jungkook stands there with almost complete lack of emotion on his face to the pair of you kneeling in crumbs and napkins. there's a brief pause where the tension in your eye contact alone was so strong that it felt wrong to breathe. but it is shortlived. jungkook tiptoes over you like spilled milk, reaching for a glass of water. you and taehyung lock eyes while the tap runs in the awkward silence. "hey. you okay?"

"um," you're not sure whether to stand up, hug him, look at him, or even face him. "yeah! yeah, i'm fine."

he nods politely. "hyung?"

even taehyung looks visibly uncomfortable. "i'm good."

"cool. see you later," he says, downing the glass impressively fast before leaving the room just as fast as he entered it.

you and taehyung stare at each other again, not understanding why you both feel like kids caught eating cake before dinner. you could feel the sweat pricking at your back from the realisation. jungkook had no idea you'd be here, and given that interaction he'd probably want to leave now. there was always the inkling woven between his radio silence that he was done with you, but you never let yourself take it seriously out of logic. because how could months of passion and tenderness and honesty be undone so irrevocably like that? it didn't make sense. you hadn't changed. you were the same girl he hit on relentlessly and chased against all odds. so what was different now?

"____," taehyung calls your name gently, and it's only then you realise you're already up and trailing after jungkook into the living room. when you walk in he's already putting his shoes on to leave again, barely making eye contact with you while he chats absently to his hyungs so he can look busy. the four boys on the large sofa can only reply wearily, eyes darting between the pair of you like a firework was about to blow to soon. and it was.

you could feel it in your throat, under your breast bone, bubbling up your stomach. "wait, jungkook. um...h-how have you been? i haven't heard from you in-"

"i've been good," he keeps tying and re-tying his laces without looking up. "super busy. you know how it is."

his curtness makes you flinch. this same time last month jungkook used to kiss you senseless before he had both feet in the door. he'd ring the doorbell incessantly like a child and greet you with the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen. he'd make fun of your bed head and squeeze your cheeks until you'd snap at him. and now when he looked at you he hated every second of it. your mother had the same look. your eyes start to burn involuntarily. "yeah, i do. how is uni? your final project is due soon, right? what theme did you pick in the end?"

"the one i told you about," he stands up abruptly. "sorry, noona. something came up. i'll see you arou-"

"something came up?" you step closer to him. "something came up the second you saw my face? or did you really just trek all the way to your hyungs' place for a glass of water, jungkook?"

jungkook stiffens, but is determined not to lose face. and it's difficult to do under your big, accusatory eyes and jimin's death stare at his back. the whole room was waiting for his response, so he just shoves his hands in his pockets resolutely. "i needed to see yoongi hyung, but i can come another time."

you fold your arms. "well it's clearly important, and you're here now. so don't let me stop you."

"but you will stop me," jungkook snaps. "that's the problem."

"kook-ah," yoongi warns quietly, but he took one look at your face and knew the damage was done. jimin was already standing up, circling around the back of the sofa towards you. the red lights were all there; your watery eyes, your trembling hands. every breath you took looked difficult for you to complete and only jimin noticed.

"what are you talking about?" you squint. it takes you a second to understand; yoongi's guilty expression, jungkook's indifference. "oh, you're fucking kidding me." your resolve breaks for a second turning away only to glare back at jungkook with so much fire you can hardly stand it. "you're selling again? are you insane, jungkook?"

"see," jungkook's eyes are stony. "i knew you'd get this way."

"what other way am i supposed to get?" his lack of response only infuriates you more. it felt disrespectful. "jungkook, you're not a kid anymore. if you get caught with drugs the consequences are serious! forget the potential jail time, you could get kicked out of university, it would go on your record forever and-"

"stop talking to me like i'm a kid!"

"then stop acting like one!" you hate raising your voice, but it keeps climbing without your approval. "did you think about this for even five minutes? this isn't like just going to juvie like before and being done with it jungkook. your hyungs can't bail you out of everything."

"this is a lot of talk for someone who lapped up those fancy paints without a second thought," jungkook says darkly. his eyes aren't like you remember, his face solemn and near unrecognisable. "or did you think that getting that kind of money overnight is only something that's possible through daddy's credit card?"

dread blooms like a garden inside you. "that's...that's how you bought the paint set?"

"welcome to the real world," he quips. "as if selling overpriced weed to a bunch of pick-me-freshmans is considered a crime against humanity to anyone but you."

"you think that's why i'm yelling at you right now?" your voice was growing hoarse, desperate. "you think that's the problem i have with you being literal drug dealer, jungkook?"

he hates it. the sweltering silence, the judgmental eyes digging into his back, the slow realisation that the tears in your eyes were not at him but for him. jungkook's ears ring enough to make him sway on the spot if his feet weren't planted so firmly on the dingy carpet, this metaphorical ground. he couldn't shake the feeling that his lifestyle was only an issue now because of you, how he never felt a shred of guilt about any of this shit until he met you. and if there was anything that jungkook never responded well to, it was pity. and he could feel it from every person in the room, all people that that once cherished and coddled him until you came along. he swallows, throat dry from the way he couldn't look at you knowing what he was going to say next.

"you're embarrassing yourself, noona. you're not my girlfriend and you never were, so stop acting like it."

cotton. it's very faint, under the layers of conflicting cologne and beer and smoke, but jungkook still smelled of cotton while he spat acid. nobody could speak, even though jungkook never raised his voice let alone a hand to you, it still hit like a slap in the face. it sunk into the walls, your clothes, suddenly every hair on your body felt heavy with it. dirty. the shame came first, the humiliation next. and then the sorrow, the dread, and finally the defeat. you knew the stages well by now, and they were cycling through you like clockwork. how foolish you were, to make the same mistake again. nobody dared to move, everyone but jungkook staring at you in denial and horror. they couldn't believe their eyes when you nod steadily, bowing your head to the floor.

jimin is already slotting himself between you, his jaw tight. "that's enough, kook. just leave already."

"no," you stop him, unnervingly resigned. that single word cuts through all six men with ease. "he's right." you step around jimin, closing the space between you and jungkook. for a brief moment he wonders if you'll actually hit him, but somehow watching you unclasp his watch from your wrist and drop it on the coffee table in front of him is far worse. the sound seems to ring like church bells, definitive and umistakable. "you're right, i'm not your girlfriend. you win jungkook."

they all watch you leave in dismay, listen to the door closing softly behind you. within a second jimin sprints after you, calling your name, leaving everyone else dumbfounded. jungkook's stare could bore a hole into the abandoned watch on the table, still ticking away like nothing changed. like his eyes weren't burning, lightheaded at the realisation that he would never wear a watch again let alone the one he put on you.

x

x

x

to an outsider, you looked like you were coping well considering you just got dumped in front of all your friends. but jimin knew that face. your stony eyes, lips pulled thin as if to seal inside the collapse of a monument. you took the tea he offered, and then his arms, your face finding his chest with ease. muscle memory. his torso was a tad shorter than jungkook's, his heart closer to your mouth as if the steady thumps were asking for a kiss of acknowledgement. every time you close your eyes you could see jungkooks face, hard and unforgiving and nothing like the man you trusted all this time. but it wasn't a new expression; you parents looked at you similarly the last time you saw them. it was the look of someone who had no regrets cutting all ties. and now, jungkook was behind them in a lost list of people who chose to be strangers over loving you.

jimin sighs when you cry into his chest, brushing the back of your head gently. he had been ready for this for months, but he still hated to see you this way. again. it made his bones itch, his skin crawl uncomfortably every time you weeped. the only time he considered violence was when you were crying. but he knew what to do, laying down across the sofa so you could curl up into a ball next him, head on his bicep and face smushed into the crook of his shoulder. you used to cry like this for hours and hours, his arm familiar with the prickle of pins and needles. but it was the only place you felt safe. tucked into jimin's side is where you would always belong, and that truth was more glaringly obvious than ever now.

"lets get something to eat," he offers eventually, hand craddling the crown of your head like a child. jimin's other hand on your hip is warm and heavy when he pats you soothingly. in your episodes, you responded well to touch. "what about thai food?"

"not hungry," you grumble against him.

"we could make something together?" he peers down at your lack of response. "come on, babe. you gotta eat something. you didn't even have breakfast-"

"why am i so stupid?" you whisper, a fresh bout of tears welling up.

jimin rubs your thigh. "it's not your fault."

"yes it is. jungkook gave me plenty of red flags, and i ignored all of them-"

"oh, i meant you being stupid."

you scoff. "cheers."

"what?" jimin cocks a brow when you lift your head to look up at him. he wets his lips and you follow the swipe of his tongue thoughtlessly, distracted enough by his touch and proximity that you take a second to digest his words. "it's not like any of this exactly came as a surprise. you ignored me, remember? wanted to flex your big girl pants."

you pull away from him and sit up, forcibly shutting out the daze that jimin routinely puts you under. "what's wrong with you? can't you be polite and wait for a couple hours before laying into me like a normal person? jesus, jimin."

"so let me get this straight," jimin sits up, watching your back as you sit away from him. "you're mad because i'm not telling you what you want to hear?"

"no," you say, head shaking. "i'm not mad. i'm upset because i came here to be comforted by my friend and you're just making me feel worse."

"what do you want me to say, ____? that i had high hopes from the start?" jimin pushes his hair back, brows now at a sharp incline from frustration. "i told you starting something with jungkook was trouble but you didn't listen. why should i feed your victim complex when all i've done is try to help you?"

"victim complex?" you repeat, standing up slowly. the sudden steadiness of your voice causes jimin to panic.

"not like that. don't take it like that, it's just," he's suddenly before you, his warm hands palming up your arms warmly. "i didn't wanna see you get like this and it happened anyway, is all i'm saying." he sighs when your scowl doesn't let up. "if hobi hyung hadn't have given up so easy, then maybe…maybe this would never have happened. maybe if i had been harsher with him then you would have-"

"what are you talking about?" you ask quietly, searching jimin's face. "give up so easy? what's that supposed to mean?"

he looks away, hands slipping off you. "it's nothing."

"jimin."

he struggles to look at you, tongue in cheek. his lips purse for a moment, pink like roses. he's wearing that navy jumper you like. "look, it's not a big deal. he wasn't supposed to fuck you or anything, just take you out for a while. get your mind off kookie, show you a nice time."

your blood runs cold. "what?"

jimin's expression softens. "it's not as bad as it sounds-"

"really?" your voice is sharp, sharper than he's ever heard it. you recoil as if you had been struck for the second time today. "because it sounds like you asked some guy to keep me occupied like i'm a fucking dog. all because you can't stand the idea of me being within a meter of jungkook-"

he steps in, but you step back. "you know that's not true, _."

"don't i?" you scoff, covering your face in disbelief. "jimin, you've been hellbent against me even looking at the guy since day fucking one."

"because i didn't want you to get hurt!" jimin counters, eyes downcast. "i know, okay? i know how much of a dick it makes me sound, but its not like it hurt you when you had no idea! hoseok broke it off before you even knew about it so why-"

"because it's worse," you turn away from him. "you tried to control me. choose what's best for me because you think you know better than i do. sound familiar?"

his jaw sets, and it's like you can hear the twine snap in his head, the percussion of his heartbeat above yours even though he doesn't close the space between you. jimin stares at you for a long minute before drawing in a thin breath. "fine," he steps in, and you can't look away. "you want me to say it? fine. i'll say it."

suddenly the air is lace thin around you as you stare at him, waiting. jimin looks off somewhere else, somewhere you can't reach. "don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because i know you have. if i have you must have too. and lately its all i can think about - being with you, holding you, being the one who gets to touch you. and yeah, maybe it took having to see you with jungkook for me to realise how much i want all that, i put my hands up. but you have no idea what's it like to watch the person you love most get toyed around with by a time bomb like that. i've seen jungkook go through girls like underwear and i love him, god i love him, but even the idea of you being one of those wasted girls sitting outside a party crying over his sorry ass makes my fucking ears ring."

"j-jimin…" you whisper, but you have nothing to say. your hands shake.

"you deserve more than that, ____. you deserve more than waiting around for booty calls or living up to what the next guy wants. from jungkook, hoseok, anyone. you deserve someone's devotion and yeah, maybe all this time i've been too much of a pussy to give it. maybe all this time i was tiptoeing around my feelings for you because i knew if i admitted to myself that i loved you - if i admitted i was just like every other guy - i'd actually set the bar for something other than disappointment. id actually have to step up, and i didn't know if i could do it. i still don't. but if it has to be someone…it should be me."

suddenly he's holding your hands, calming the tremble that rattles them. his words bunch up together in your ears, the meaning lost amidst your awe. "jimin….jimin what are you saying? where is all this coming from, i don't...i don't understand wh-"

"i'm saying," he cups your face. "choose me." he pulls you in. so, so close. "choose me, not jungkook. not anyone else. me."

and there's a part of you that has already caved. that's already kissing him, melting into his arms like you've wanted to for so, so long. you're falling back onto the couch with him in a fit of giggles, curling back into his chest to hide your watery eyes, asking him why the fuck he took so long. you chat together between teasing kisses, pour your hearts out, maybe cry a little. later you would make tea and order pad thai and watch the office all night and fall asleep together in the living room well past dawn and then-

you close your eyes. "i can't."

"you can," jimin says, so passionately you shudder. his brown eyes are teaming with too much determination and ardour for his own good, and you both know it. its difficult to grapple with how huge a risk he's taking, because jimin never takes risks. it made the whole situation seem dire. "you know you can, ____. it's us. there's no one like us."

you don't know how you're not crying yet. you only have jimin to hold onto, hands balled in his shirt without knowing if you're about to push him away or pull him in forever. "maybe back then. maybe if you'd have said all this before," you feel empty, the beat of your pulse suddenly strong in your fingertips. "but it doesn't matter anymore."

he shakes his head in denial, his determination palpable. "of course it does-"

"i'm in love with him," you say. to jimin. to yourself. to the world, finally. "i'm in love with jungkook." holding jimin's stare isn't as difficult as you thought it'd be. "you know if you'd have done all this a few months ago…if you'd have just...i was always yours without question, jimin. and you knew it." it's his turn to bristle under the strain of your voice. "jungkook isn't perfect. i'll be the first one to admit that. he's made me cry, he fucks up, he makes mistakes. but he's never lied to me. he never made decisions for me. he never passed judgement on what i should or shouldn't do with my life. something that i never thought i wouldn't able to say about you, too."

there's a brief moment where everything stops. neither of you can believe what you just said. jimin watches you, frozen in his place as you take your bag, eyes glittering with tears when he calls for you. suddenly he's the time bomb he feared becoming, the panic in his eyes lighting them up like fire crackers. for the first time in his life, he stumbles over his words, and then his feet when you reach for the door, all composure lost. he was unravelling like a tapestry in front of you, never to be repaired, and he could feel it. "____. ____, please," jimin chokes, his cheeks blotchy. "i wanted to protect you, i was just trying to help. don't go. please don't go. i was trying to help you."

"no. you were trying to have me." you say, closing the door behind you.

x

x

x

you have no idea what time it is when you hear the bell ring incessantly.

it had been hours since you'd returned home from jimin's, but there was no way for you to keep track when your only priority was just keeping yourself afloat. you turned your phone off, drew the curtains, and resolved to alternate between sitting in seulgi and jisoo's rooms until they came back. you didn't know what else to do. when you weren't crying you were hyperventilating, and when that stopped the absence of emotion was so powerful you could barely keep your eyes open. you were exhausted but could not sleep. starving but could not eat. it was a miracle you even made it down the stairs, using what little strength you had to yank it open without even thinking about who could be on the other side in the middle of the fucking night. but at this point, you would gladly take a serial killer over jimin or jungkook.

"taehyung," you breathe when you take in his face, relieved. you must look like absolute shit because he scans your face and winces. 

"jimin told me," he says, the apology in his voice and expression was almost painful to register. "he told me everything. ____, i'm so sorry. i should have told you about the hoseok thing, i just thought it would be worse coming from me, and then i tried to force jimin into confessing but then he didn't because he's jimin, and now-"

"you're only allowed to come inside if you stop apologising," you say weakly, voice haggered from the hours of crying.

taehyung's pouty expression almost makes you smile with how cute he looks, gingerly stepping over the threshhold. "i really am sorry though."

"for what," you say monotonously, closing the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. "my inexplicably terrible taste in men? my uncanny ability to get manipulated by literally anyone who shows me a scrap of affection? or my absolutey shredded-to-shit attachment style thats barely intact let alone functioning healthily? after hoppping between the first two for a few hours i'd personally go for the latter. but whatever."

"please shut up," taehyung sighs, bringing you into his arms before you could have a second thought about it. "you need to amp up the misandry in this context. a lot of this had nothing to do with you and everything to do jimin and jungkook."

you're too tired to open your eyes, snuggling into the softness of taehyung's chest. you’re too exhausted to argue. "where did you learn the word misandry? have you been reading?"

"yeah," you can hear his big, pleased grin. "i know you and the girls have been calling me a himbo behind my back."

"affectionately," you add, peering up at him. he wipes the wetness off your cheeks, moving upstairs to your room with your hand in his. he fetches you a glass of water before putting you into bed like he's paid to do it. taehyung was the cuddliest person you had ever met, but you had rarely seen him dote on anyone. "girls love himbos. it's a compliment."

"not all girls," he mutters when he returns from the bathroom with a glass of water. "drink this, would you? you look so dry it's making me itchy."

you do as he says with a roll of your eyes. "what do you mean?" you finish your water with a big gulp. "jisoo loves dumb guys, what are you talking about?"

taehyung looks away from you, bottom lip rolling up under his teeth so fast you barely catch it. he pulls up your desk chair next to your bed, thinking long and hard before meeting your eyes again. "i don't mean jisoo."

you don't understand at first, but after staring at his face for a long minute your stomach drops. "don't. don't you fucking dare," another beat of silence. you rip the covers off you to scamble to your knees, grab your pillow and hurl it at taehyung's head. "taehyung, please don't tell me that the one remaining, healthy relationship i have with a man has also been shot to shit because i swear to god i'm gonna-"

"it's not a big deal," he says firmly, and he really does mean it. taehyung catches your wrists when you lunge at him, effectively ending your outburst before it can begin. he keeps hold of them while he stares into your eyes, watching the way they fill up with a fresh bout of tears. "i've had a crush on you for a while, so what? it's not anyone's business but mine so don't worry about it."

you try not to scream at him. "how long?"

"...since the start." he shrugs. "it's not like i could have done anything anyway. with jimin around. he’d never have it."

"but...! but..." you splutter, the highlight reel of your friendship suddenly marred before your eyes. "but you let me talk to you about boys! you gave me advice with hobi and jimin and jungkook and...! you encouraged jimin to confess to me. and the whole thing with jisoo?"

he wets his lips guiltily. "jisoo is a nice girl. i like her, but...not like you. i've always liked you."

you shake your head in horror, your face crumpling. bile rose in your throat. "so all of that...playing with my friend like that. was just to get to me?"

"listen to me," taehyung says firmly, gripping your wrists to make you look at him again. he's so close you can feel the warmth of his breath on yours, and you never realised how large taehyung's torso was compared to yours before. he could have smothered you, but he didn't. in all senses. "the way jimin and jungkook handled their feelings is on them, just like how this is on me. it doesn't matter if i'm fucking you or not, you're my friend and i'll always want people to do right by you. and that includes me."

there was nothing else to say, so taehyung wordlessly wipes your face again and fetches you more water before retreating to sleep on the couch downstairs. all the while you sat there in your bed, confused and bewildered and thoughtful. the same bed jungkook fucked you on. the same bed jimin held you in. out of all the men in your life, taehyung was the only one who treated his feelings for you with reverence. there wasn't one interaction you could think of where he made his feelings clear, where he even hinted towards wanting something more. if he hadn't have said anything tonight, in the wake of one of the most emotionally tumultuous days of your life, you would still be in the dark about it all. and that was the scariest part. you didn't know anyone else who hadn't let their feelings for you effect how they treated you. so ultimately, it was possible.

and jimin and jungkook chose not to do that. but taehyung did.

taehyung did.

when you finally pad downstairs after hours of ruminating, jisoo's bedroom door is wide open. and that's who you should be thinking about now - your friend and sister jisoo - as the sky begins to lighten with the signs of morning. you hadn't slept for over twenty four hours, you were hungry and thirsty, delirious from the whirlwind of losing the two most important men in your life in one day. but still, you are drawn to taehyung. taehyung, who never asked anything of you. taehyung, who was as silent as he was selfless this whole time. taehyung who routinely put what he wanted aside in favour of what was best for you. taehyung, who protected you without needing credit or recognition for it. taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung-

"taehyung," you whisper scraping your nails through his hair. his eyes fluttered open, twisting his head to face you as you hovered above him. he could barely see you in the darkness. "taehyung, wake up."

"what is it?" he croaks, sitting up with half-lidded eyes and a yawn. he doesn't know how to read the expression on your face. he swings his legs off the sofa in a sitting position, wearing nothing but his boxers and tee, visibly alarmed. "what happened? are you okay?"

you take his face in your hands and kiss him. 

taehyung stiffens against you, breath drawn thin. you pull away to gauge his expression, desperately searching his eyes in the darkness. for discomfort, disapproval, anything negative at all. the absolute ardour you find instead could knock you down if taehyung didn't reach for your neck, kissing you again. you whine at the feel of his tongue, having no idea where such sudden and intense arousal was coming from. when you pull away with shaky limbs, you climb onto his thick thighs so he can feel your wetness through his boxers. taehyung grunts at the sensation, and again when you kiss him passionately and without abandon. the sweet girl every guy he knew was agonising over, suddenly in his lap. he's barely had his tongue down your throat for ten minutes and you're already rocking into him, his erection betraying his resolve.

it's better than he dreamed. 

"taehyung," you gasp, palming him now. he groans when he pulls away to look at your mouth, glistening with his saliva when you take his hand and guide it down to your arousal. "please."

[maggies-scribblings]

Yarning For Her

Adrien is smitten with the girl who's always been there, in the row behind him. But when his plans to ask Marinette out unravel, a secret throws him for a loop…

Written for the Miraculous Writer's Guild April Event 2021: Followers sent five emojis as prompts to the @mlwritersguild Tumblr for the writers to pick one to write for. I chose the emojis sent by @ladycat1: ✨ 😊 👀 👩🏻 🧵

Canon compliant up to Season 4, Episode 4: M. Pigeon 72.

👩🏻

It was finally happening. The event everyone was waiting for… well, everyone except the main protagonist of said event.

Marinette could feel it, though she could hardly believe it. She noticed Adrien looking at her with more intensity, when he thought she wasn’t looking. How he had trouble finding the right words when talking to her. All the tiny gestures of attention, like offering to help with a difficult subject or a complex art project, or praising her outfit every day, even if she’d worn it several times before.

Nino could tell, too: questions about Marinette and her favourite colour, food, flower, or whatever else were whispered in his right ear all day.

Actually, the whole class noticed Adrien’s marked change in behaviour. His cheerful hellos were now stuttered in Marinette’s general direction. His head hid on his shoulders whenever Marinette sighed or yawned, as if his neck couldn’t handle her fresh breaths. Even his athletic skills were now replaced with an unexplained jerkiness. The fact that the weather was warmer and the girls’ gym suits gave way to short shorts and strappy tops might have had something to do with it.

In short, Adrien fell in love with Marinette. Hard.

👀

When it started, Adrien couldn’t exactly tell. Ever since that first day of school, Marinette had held a special space in his heart (most of which had been stolen by Ladybug the previous day). She was one of his first and dearest friends.

But now… after getting to know Marinette, her loving and kind nature, after seeing her helping others without asking for anything back, after finally noticing how pretty she was… he wasn’t so sure.

That day at the pool was definitely a turning point.

First there was that unplanned double dive. During those milliseconds when they were falling, Adrien’s thought process went something like this:

Danger!—Why is Marinette here?—Protect!—Wow, she looks so cute in that swimsuit!

As they hit the water, their arms instinctively reached out to the other as they sank, swirling back up to the surface in a soft embrace — just like that night in New York, when they had danced floating in the air, under the full moon.

And when they were leaving the pool, Adrien was so happy and surprised to see she still had the umbrella he’d given her way back then! Sweet as always, she offered to give it back to him, even though it was raining and she had to walk home.

She was standing next to him (she linked her arm in his!) when that pesky umbrella decided to close on them, and they were pulled even closer for a few seconds. Very close. He could smell the chlorine in her hair mixed with the scent of sweets that always surrounded her. He thought he felt her heart beating faster and faster. Maybe it wasn’t. His heart certainly was. He could feel her warm breath through his shirt, and it drove him a little crazy.

When they said goodbye that day, he could hardly take his eyes off her. He even bumped his head on the car door frame. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s the charming, elegant model Adrien Agreste, unable to enter a car (come to think of it, he seemed to have a bit of a problem with doors whenever Marinette was around).

✨

The few weeks that went by did nothing to sort out Adrien’s feelings about the two black-haired girls in his life. His days were mortifying, his nights restless. On one such night, Adrien tossed and turned, but sleep wouldn’t come. The full moon and bright stars shining through the window frames painted his room with grid patterns, a constant reminder of his confined life.

Adding to that, his mind was racing with memories of his (now frequent) clumsiness and embarrassment at school. He recalled the fumble of the day: going into the classroom while trying to look cool, he managed to snag his bag strap on the door handle, causing him to jerk back and hit the ground on his butt in front of the whole class.

Adrien groaned and turned again. Worst thing was, he had no idea how she felt for him. She kept sending mixed signals. Her behaviour towards him wasn’t as weird as it had been, but that didn’t mean a lot. He’d even asked her a couple of times. He remembered the time they visited the wax museum, when she said she didn’t like him like that.

“What’s the matter, kid?” Plagg yawned from his side of the pillow, annoyed by his bearer’s restlessness. “Who is it this time? Spots or bakery girl?”

Adrien didn’t bite, going back into his musings instead.

His mind turned to Ladybug… These days, Spots occupied a much smaller part of his thoughts. He still got the occasional butterflies in his stomach when he saw her, or when she praised him and his humour. She would always be his first love, and not an easy girl to forget… but she was right, of course — she was always right — as long as they had enemies, they couldn’t reveal their identities, much less deepen their relationship. Back when Bunnyx first showed up, they found out that there would be a new Hawkmoth and countless akumas in the future, and who knew when that would end?

Plagg was still grumbling about sleep and cheese. Adrien playfully flicked his kwami’s ear.

“Shut up, Plagg! I’m trying to sleep!”

“Very unsuccessfully, I might say,” Plagg flew out of his reach. “You sighed four-hundred and fifty-eight times in the last hour.”

“Come on… can’t you see I’m in turmoil here?” Adrien turned his back to the kwami. It was no use arguing with a deity, no matter how minuscule.

“Four-hundred and fifty-ni—” Plagg’s teasing was interrupted by a pillow hitting him.

😊

This wouldn’t do. Adrien couldn’t stand his own indecisiveness any more. He decided to ask Marinette out, that very day. After a reviving shower, he got dressed and looked in the mirror. The dark circles around his eyes were evident, but he hated wearing concealer to school. He might as well add a couple of details to his usual get-up: a pair of Gabriel’s new collection sunglasses and his favourite blue scarf.

He arrived at school early, and while most of the class was either chatting in the courtyard or going into the classroom, Marinette was nowhere to be seen. Adrien went into the locker room, and lurked behind the last row of lockers while students got in, got their things and left.

Finally, the hurricane that was late-for-class-Marinette thundered in, scolding herself for oversleeping as she got her books for the morning. When she closed the door, there was Adrien, leaning against the cabinets with his best Chat Noir smirk as he looked over the rim of his sunglasses and greeted her.

“Good morn—”

He didn’t have time to finish his line, as a very startled Marinette squeaked and grabbed his free arm to spin him around and pin him to the lockers with an elbow to his throat.

It took a few moments for Adrien realise exactly what had happened, before she released her hold.

“I’m sorry, I… panicked,” Marinette said, as she stepped back and continued to gesticulate wildly and mumble more awkward apologies.

Still frozen in place, Adrien managed to adjusted his crooked sunglasses.

“Marin—” he had to clear his throat. “No, I— It’s o-ow!”

Adrien tried and failed to step forward, as he heard a ripping sound — his scarf was caught in Marinette’s locker, and the momentum slammed him back into the metal doors with a loud bang.

The proverbial stars that blurred his vision cleared up to show Marinette very close to him, fumbling with the lock to release the scarf.

“Sorry, so sorry, I’m such a klutz!”

“It’s okay, no harm do—”

Adrien stopped talking when he saw that the scarf had a large rip, disappointment obvious upon his face.

“Oh no!” Marinette covered her mouth as she saw the damage. “Your scarf! I ruined it!”

At this point, Adrien would usually smile and say something like ‘it’s okay’ or ‘no worries’, but he couldn’t lie: he really loved that scarf. It was his favourite colour, warm and cosy, yet light enough to wear on a spring day, and a rare thoughtful gift from his father. He pouted a little as his fingers traced the tear.

“I can fix it!”

He lifted his eyes to Marinette as she got on her tiptoes to unwind the scarf from his neck.

“I can make it look as good as new. I know you’re worried, after all it’s your dad’s birthday gift,” she rambled as she delicately folded it, “but I have leftover yarn— I mean, I think I have the same colour, and it’s a simple pattern.”

There was something odd about the way she worded that, but Adrien dismissed it. He must have made a weird face, because now she had a concerned expression.

“I mean, if you trust me with it… I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t after I destroyed it. ”

“No—I mean, don’t be silly, it was an accident… I shouldn’t have sneaked up on you like that!” He managed a relieved little smile. “Still, my father might be upset if he saw I ripped it. Are you sure you can fix it?”

Marinette’s eyes averted his for a moment, as she returned the folded up scarf.

“I’ll do my best! I’m not a pro like your father, but I’m sure I can make it as good as new in no time at all!”

They agreed to go to Marinette’s place after school so that she could start working on it right away, then ran off to class as the second bell rang.

Not exactly the way I planned it, Adrien thought as he scrambled onto his seat, but I guess it worked!

🧵

Adrien reclined in the chaise-longue and looked around Marinette’s bedroom. It was the total opposite of his, huge and aseptic and cold. On the contrary, these walls had warm colours and pictures everywhere, and it smelled amazing, fruity shampoo mixed with glue and ink from her many design projects, mixed with sweets from the bakery, and everything about it was so welcoming and cosy and so… Marinette.

“Yes!” Her delighted voice interrupted his reveries. “I knew I still had it!”

Adrien chuckled as he saw Marinette triumphantly holding a ball of light blue yarn, then get several needles from her yarn basket and sit at her sewing station to start working. He switched seats to her desk chair and rolled close to her.

“Can I help?”

“Sure! Let me just…”

Marinette picked up a long, thin knitting needle and started to thread it on the scarf, just above the tear. She was so concentrated and her movements so careful and precise, she might as well be defusing a bomb. Adrien noticed her tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth and wondered what her kisses would taste like.

“There. I have the brakes on, now let’s get going.”

Marinette found the end stitch at the corner of the scarf and cut it. Giving Adrien the end of the yarn, she continued.

“Hold this. Make a ball while I unravel it.”

“Huh? Un-what?” Much as Adrien trusted her skills, he panicked. “Won’t you make it worse?”

“No, because I’m holding the knitting with this,” she pointed at the longer needle she had threaded through the scarf.

Marinette turned her chair, so they were sitting face to face, knees almost touching, and started to quickly unravel the bottom part of the scarf, while he rolled up the thread in a ball, both enjoying the comfortable silence. He noticed a small piece of fabric falling from one of the edges and bent down to pick it up.

“What’s this?” Adrien thought out loud while examining it.

As soon as Marinette lifted her eyes from her work and saw what he was holding, her eyes went wide and her cheeks red.

“Oh, it’s nothing—” she tried unsuccessfully to snatch the fabric from his hand. “Probably just the washing inst—”

It was not an ordinary washing instructions tag. It was tiny and had been woven into the knitting, so discreetly he’d never noticed it before. He turned the fabric over to see a recognisable signature.

Marinette

“Wait— you made this?” Adrien picked up the other end of the scarf from her lap and examined like he’d never seen it before. “Wha—? How? D-did my father buy it off your website?”

So that’s why she was so confident about fixing it. He searched Marinette’s face for an explanation, but she just shook her head and kept looking down, unravelling the loops one by one.

“No— of course not— your site wasn't set up back then, we only took those photos later…”

Adrien thought back to the time Nathalie handed him the present, neatly packed in a box with a ribbon. He’d never seen that kind of care in his father’s presents, just standard gift bags with expensive pens, straight from a corporate catalogue. His train of thought was broken by a couple of tears falling on his hands.

“Marinette…” he murmured, lifting her chin to look into her misty eyes. “Did you make this for me?”

She nodded with a tiny smile. He moved his hand from her chin to cup her cheek, wiping her tears with his thumb.

“Was this supposed to be your present for me?” Another nod. “How did this mess happen then?”

“I…” Marinette had to clear her throat and finally looked at him. Something in her eyes changed from avoidance to determination. “I wanted to give it to you personally, but I couldn’t gather the nerve… then one thing led to another, and I left it in your house, and I even signed it, but…” she shrugged.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I just… couldn’t. You were so happy with the present from your dad. I couldn’t ruin it for you.”

Adrien made a mental note to find out exactly what had happened, then set all his negative feelings aside. His heart was too full of love to think about anything other than the girl in front of him.

“Oh, Marinette…” he softly chided as he hugged her. How could this girl be so selfless, on top of everything else? She cared for him, really cared for him, even back then. “I wish you’d told me.”

He released the hug and pulled her closer, into his lap. Marinette set the scarf on the sewing table and put her arms around his neck. Her tears were gone and a hint of a smile played on her lips.

“That way,” Adrien caressed her nose with his, “I would have thanked you properly.”

“Oh yeah?” Marinette breathed, her lips very close to his. “You can thank me now.”

They closed the distance between them, their lips melding into a sweet kiss, then another, and then a few more. Adrien’s heart was beating so fast he could hardly bear it. Then he remembered he should probably breathe at some point.

“Wow.”

“Wow.”

“If that’s the way you thank a person for a present, I’ll start giving them more often,” Marinette joked.

“Not anyone.” He pecked her lips. “Only you.”

They kissed again, this time more passionately. He kissed her eyes, the tip of her nose, her forehead, her neck, then back up to her lips…

The scarf was left forgotten on the sewing table. It could wait a few more hours before repairing.

Fin

Thanks to @hari-writes and @deinde-prandium for the beta read! ❤️

Constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated. English is not my first language and I tend to use UK English. If you catch any inconsistencies, please let me know.

My AO3. My Twitter. My Instagram.

[amethystroselilith]

Intertwined Fates (Chilumi/Zhonglumi) - Chapter 3

Uni is still hell ngl .-.

Can be read in ao3 here 

SUMMARY: Lumine feels like everything's falling right back into place as she looks forward to hers and Ajax's new chapter of their lives.The past stays in the past, right?

WARNING: Please be informed about the change of rating! This chapter includes ChiLumi smut, er, I'm not used to writing smut so I hope this one turned out fine... I'm more of a fluff writer but I wanna write new things :)

“Wow, sis, getting married twice while your older brother had never even popped the question to anyone.” Aether whistled after Lumine told him about her engagement, “A really beautiful ring too.” he was holding Lumine’s hand, observing the jewellery.

Lumine had already told her twin all about what happened on the very same day she got engaged, however, they didn’t really talk too long cause 1) Aether was out shopping with Keqing and 2) Ajax wanted to pull Lumine back into their little bubble again.

They are currently preparing for the day, Aether prepping the fresh fruits for their baked goods’ filling and toppings, while Lumine take notes of the special orders due for the day.

Lumine smiled warmly as she looked at the ring, “It was crafted by Ajax’s parents. I mean, it’s still annoying what Mom did, but at the same time… It just… I mean… It’s like…”

Aether smiled softly at how giddy his sister is acting, he never seen her this excited ever since… she started dating Zhongli. He never doubted his sister’s love for Ajax, but he could see the slight anxiousness in her eyes behind her smile when she announced they’re dating. Aether was worried he gave her bad advice about following her heart, but seeing the glow her sister is emitting, he can rest easy.

“Everything’s going to be alright again?” Aether finished for her.

“Yeah.” her face turned soft, “I love him so much,” she whispered as she held her hand to her chest, softly caressing the ring.

“Looks like I have to wait until I can propose to Keqing.” Aether chuckled, putting fresh fruits on a bowl for later use.

Lumine tensed at the realisation, “Oh my god… Were you…? Aeth, I’m so sorry…” she squeaked a bunch of apologies before Aether stopped her.

“Nah… Not really, I was just thinking about it though,” Aether said before sighing, “But then Keqing announced about a big business project and you know how she is, she’s going to be so busy for months.”

Lumine hummed, knowing full well of her brother’s workaholic girlfriend, “Well, it can be a nice little surprise after.” she suggested as she started lining up cupcakes for their displays later.

“I suppose so,” Aether thought about it, “but I guess I’ll start worrying about that when the time comes.” he shrugged.

“Knock, knock!” a cheery voice arrived.

“Xiangling, hey.” the twins greeted with a smile.

“Was there something wrong with the desserts we delivered?” Lumine asked.

Xiangling’s restaurant was just beside them, which gave Xiangling the great idea of working together, the twins share their desserts with her, she makes café meals for them. Xiangling, however, is usually very busy during work hours, only coming to visit when something is urgent.

“Oh, no, they’re amazing as usual!” Xiangling walked to Lumine, Guoba hanging on her back, before giving her a big hug, “Just want to say congrats to your engagement!” 

Lumine’s eyes widened, “A-ah, how did you know?” 

Xiangling looked at her with a confused expression, “Your mom posted a picture of her and Qiqi playing with a caption, ‘Spending time with my beautiful grandbaby to give her mother and my future son-in-law a break’. The last part is kinda weird if you ask me, but the comments are full of congratulations to the newly engaged couple so I assumed…” 

The twins sighed, of course, their mother wouldn’t respect their privacy. Lumine wondered what would’ve happened if they didn’t actually become engaged, but Lumine knows this is probably her mother’s doing of pushing her into it. She's glad she made the choice for herself.

“I was hoping to ask everyone to dinner at your restaurant so Ajax and I can announce it ourselves but it looks like mother beat us to it.” Lumine sighed but smile after, “But thanks, Xiangling! I appreciate you coming here just for me.” she said after giving her a hug, giving Guoba pats when he whined for it.

“Well, also wanted you to know that we hold wedding receptions too. I hope we’re fancy enough for your mother.” Xiangling teased.

“With your face and restaurant all over the news, I’m sure mother will be kissing your ass when she sees you.” Aether snickered.

“Well, she may do that, but if she ever did something out of the line to you guys, I won’t hesitate to fight her,” Xiangling said with a serious expression, Guoba growling to add effect.

“Thank you, guys.” Lumine chuckled.

“Much appreciated.” Aether smiled, “Here, have some Pie Mon, on the house.” 

Xiangling’s eyes sparkled, Guoba drooling behind her, “Oh my god, you know I can never resist this. I’ll be sending something extra special for your lunch!” she grinned before taking the dessert, “Well, I should head back to prep work, can’t leave Dad alone in the kitchen because he always ends up terrorizing the whole staff.” 

“Of course, of course.” Lumine chuckled, “Thanks, Xiang!” 

They all said their goodbyes before Xiangling left.

“Speaking of staff, do you think it’s time to promote…” Aether began talking about their staff members as they work.

The door once again opened, and Lumine can’t help freeze when she was met with cold eyes.

“I guess you’re finally replacing my brother,” Xiao stated coldly before taking his eyes off her and starting on doing his share of prep work.

It received a glare from Aether and a frown from Lumine.

While Xiao has always been quiet and reserved, he and Lumine had become close when she started dating Zhongli. Xiao had always been protective of Zhongli but after seeing how much she affected her brother, how much happier and brighter she made him, Xiao can’t help but love and respect her as well. They became close, and Xiao treasured that bond.

When his brother died, Xiao tried his best to be Lumine’s rock, it’s what his brother would like, but Xiao was grieving as well, it wasn’t an easy task to stay strong for himself and his sister-in-law, so he was glad Ajax was keeping them both afloat. Ajax was someone Xiao respects as well, he was there for him and his brother, helping them every way he can. Xiao thinks his brother is blessed with Ajax and Lumine.

That was until Xiao started seeing some things changing.

How their touches aren’t platonic anymore.

How Ajax’s kisses aren’t playful anymore.

How Lumine’s heart isn’t with Zhongli anymore.

Xiao felt sick when they announced their relationship, while their friends congratulated them, he excused himself, left them and went to Zhongli’s tomb. He felt so angry, he ranted how Ajax betrayed him, how Lumine replaced him, how unfair it is for everyone to just forget about him. And then he started sobbing, crying about how he felt so alone ever since Zhongli left him.

It was different ever since that day, while he tried to stay civil, even tried acting friendly as they interact with work, Xiao just can’t help but feel bitter and angry every time Ajax would visit Lumine. He knows they talked about it, knows Lumine asked Ajax to tone down the affection when he’s around. That’s just how Lumine is, putting others before herself.

‘Shame it didn’t apply to Zhongli.’ he thought bitterly.

“Xiao, Zhongli would want Lumine to be happy,” Aether stated, receiving a pleading look from Lumine to let it go.

“I’m sure he’ll be way happier knowing he wasn’t replaced.” Xiao simply stated, not looking at anything but what he was doing.

Aether was about to defend Lumine, but his twin stopped him.

Lumine sighed, “Xiao, I know you don’t agree with Ajax’s and mine’s relationship, but please never say I replaced Zhongli.”

Xiao glared at her with a hiss, “But you did-”

“Zhongli has a place in my heart, and he always will.” Lumine looked at him straight in the eye, “I love your brother so much, and I will forever.” she said, “It’s just there are some things we can’t help.” she sighed, “I have to admit, I was unsure of being with Ajax before, but as I come to terms of accepting my feelings, it made things so much better. He helped me get back on my feet again, take care of Qiqi, make me feel happy again. There are just some things we can’t control, but that doesn’t mean we’re replacing Zhongli.” 

Deep inside, Xiao knows that, he’s just having a hard time accepting it.

Xiao broke the eye contact, sadness replacing the anger.

Lumine put down her utensils, before walking to Xiao. He flinched away when she tried to touch him.

“Xiao, you may hate us for that, but please remember that Zhongli will always have a place in our hearts. Also please remember that you have a place in our home as well,” she said softly, making Xiao look at her.

Lumine smiled, “We’re family, and we always will be. Just because Zhongli is gone, it severed our bond, you know? You’re still a brother to me, and I’m sure Ajax feels the same way.” 

Xiao stayed quiet, but he didn’t move when Lumine tried to pull him to a hug.

“I miss him,” Xiao said quietly.

~~~

“Will he be alright?” Ajax asked in worry, an arm folded behind his head while the other wrapped around his fiancée.

“I didn’t receive any cold treatment after, though he is a bit hesitant when approaching me. I guess we should still tone it down whenever he’s around, Aether also suggested an outing for us, make sure Xiao remembers that he’s still part of our family even without Zhongli. For now, Chongyun said he and Xingqui will cheer him up.” Lumine said fingers playing with Ajax’s shirt.

This had always been part of their routine, after putting Qiqi to sleep, the two of them will just cuddle on their bed, talking about their day or anything really.

“Hm, I feel a bit guilty for not contacting him often. He seemed to despise me ever since we came out, but I guess it’s also time for us to have a talk about it.” Ajax sighed as he remembered the angry glare he managed to catch from Xiao before he left. 

“We can’t really blame him. Zhongli was the one who raised and cared for him, so it’s just natural he’s very loyal to him and can’t stand the thought of his brother being replaced. I already talked to him about it, but I think it’s going to take a bit of time for  him to understand that.” 

The atmosphere suddenly felt so heavy, as usual, whenever Zhongli becomes the subject of whatever they’re talking about. Despite their assurance that they’re not replacing Zhongli, there’s still the lingering guilt deep within them that resurfaces when it comes to Zhongli and their relationships.

Sensing this, Ajax stirred the conversation to a much lighter topic, “Xingqiu’s all over the news today.” he said talking about Xiao’s roommate who’s a rising author, “Looks like he finally has his breakthrough.” he chuckled.

“Oh yeah, our customers were also talking about it. I should purchase one soon actually.” Lumine hummed, “Speaking of which, by the way, we need to help them look for another apartment.” she added with a sigh, “Razor said it was the 8th time Bennett almost burned down the whole building and the tenants just can’t take it anymore.” 

“...Didn’t they just move in there a month ago?” 

“...Yep…” 

Ajax chuckled, “To be honest, at this point, I think it’s more practical to just buy or rent a house lot more than a condominium building.” 

“That’s what I told them, I’m pretty sure they’ll look into it considering it’s the fifth time they’ve been evicted this year… and we haven’t even reached half of the year yet.” 

They stayed quiet for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence.

Ajax’s soft breathing was lulling Lumine to sleep, that was until she felt the hand on her waist start playing with the waistband of her shorts, a finger playfully circling around the skin under it.

“So... I made sure I locked the door this time.”

Lumine can’t help but laugh at that. 

Last time, they were in the middle of an intimate moment. Both so close to their peak and desperate to reach it, Ajax can’t help but feel lost in the pleasure as he listened and watched Lumine, that was until the sound of a doorknob turning joined the sounds of skin slapping skin.

Both are thankful for Ajax’s fast reflex, quickly grabbing the covers to hide him and Lumine, just in time a sleepy Qiqi reveals herself, having been woken up by a nightmare. The blonde had quickly grabbed her robe that was hanging from their bed’s headboard, grabbing whichever undergarment she could find, which happened to be Ajax’s boxers, before taking care of their daughter.

Lumine ended up sleeping in Qiqi’s bedroom and Ajax had to spend the night with his right hand. 

Not a great experience if Ajax is being honest.

“Really now?” Lumine teased, but not stopping Ajax from laying her on her back as he towers over her.

“I mean, why not?” Ajax hummed, gently attacking the spot on Lumine’s neck that makes her weak.

“Wasn’t complaining,” Lumine murmured gasping when he starts nibbling on the spot.

Ajax hummed approvingly, “In that case, allow me.” he whispered in her ear before she felt his hands tugging her shirt off. 

He pulled away for a bit, releasing another pleased hum as he admired his future bride. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Ajax said softly, hand gently caressing her cheek before kissing her lips, deepening the kiss to further express how he feels about her. 

Lumine’s arms found their way around Ajax’s neck, a hand going to his hair while the other tracing shapes on his back.

“Off.” Lumine breathed out as soon as they pulled away, a hand impatiently tugging on his shirt. 

“Whatever my lady wants.” Ajax chuckled before pulling his shirt off.

Smaller hands began exploring his abs, tugging him back for a kiss. 

Ajax began trailing kisses to the spot on her neck, sucking and biting just enough to leave a mark before heading to her collarbone, giving it the same marking treatment. 

Lumine shivered at the sensation, much more so when she felt a hand rubbing her side, “Ajax…” she moaned when the hand explored further up, gently cupping a breast. 

“Ajax!” she squeaked, back arching when he suddenly gave her nipple a pinch, feeling her core heat up as the shot of pain turned into pleasure. 

After leaving another mark, Ajax made his way to her other breast, kissing around the nipple before paying attention to the stiff bud. Lumine arched her back at Ajax’s touches, mewling softly as she buried her hands in his hair, tugging softly when she felt him grazing his teeth on the sensitive flesh. 

Ajax could never be tired of the sweet noises Lumine makes, especially when she uses his name. 

Wanting to hear more from his beloved, he began trailing kisses down to her stomach, his thumbs hooked on the waistband of her short, sliding them off her smooth legs with her underwear. 

He sat up, his eyes turning a darker shade of blue, tongue slipping out to lick his lips as he admired the blonde goddess once again.

She was breathing harshly, face and body flushed as she stared back at him, her own eyes matching the lust with his’. 

“Lumine…” he moaned, before diving in for a kiss, moving his hands to cup a breast each. 

Lumine groaned as he tugged on her nipples, her head and back arching a bit, giving Ajax a perfect opening to assault the other side of her neck. 

Ajax decided to mark more of her skin as his lips began exploring her chests, leaving a mark once in a while. He stopped at the area just below her breasts, his hands sliding down to her legs as he sat up to admire his work. 

Just when he thought his lover couldn’t look any more perfect…

His dick throbbed painfully at how enticing Lumine looks full of his marks. Possessiveness flowing through him and urging him to mark his territory more. 

He was about to, but Lumine gave out a needy whine with an arch of her hips, feeling hot and bothered when his hands were grabbing her waist, thumb circling her hip bones when it could be working on another part of her. 

“Getting impatient, aren’t we?” Ajax teased as if his hardness isn’t begging to be buried in her. 

“Just need you.” she whined at the ache of her core lacking attention, “Please.”

And that was all Ajax needed to hear before he moved a hand between her legs, gently tracing her wet slit before he began rubbing her clit with two of his fingers. 

Lumine gave out a sigh of relief before moaning softly, tugging Ajax back to her to crash their lips together. He swallowed her moans when his fingers slid down to enter her, slowly pumping them in and out, making her roll her head back on her pillow as she bucked her hips, urging her lover to go faster. 

Ajax did not disappoint, curling his fingers at the spot he knew so well that would drive Lumine crazy. His mouth began marking all over her neck and chest again as he picked up the pace of his fingers, groaning softly when he felt her clenching around him, imagining how great it would feel around his cock. 

“A-Ajax… I-I’m gonna…” she panted out, hips grinding back against his fingers as she chases her climax. 

His thumb reached for her clit, intensifying her pleasure as she released more of the noises Ajax loves so much. 

He left her chest to look up at her, watch her come undone on his touch, “Go on, love. Come for me.”

And with the last curl of his fingers against that spot, Lumine’s eyes widened, hips spasming as she released the pleasure that they built up. 

Lumine’s pleasured expression and the way her cunt tightened around his fingers almost had him coming. He pulled his fingers out of her, removing the last of his clothing and wrapping the hand that was inside Lumine around his erection, coating it with her juices as he stroked himself for some relief. 

Once Lumine had recovered from her orgasm, she gently pulled Ajax, making him lay beside her. She grabbed him for another deep kiss, her hand on his shoulder moving down to his chest, abs, then to his hard on, replacing his hand with her own much to Ajax’s appreciation.

It was her turn to swallow his moans as she began to stroke him at a good pace. Ajax pulled away from a kiss, groaning appreciatively when Lumine tugged him in that particular way. Instead of chasing his lips back to hers, Lumine decided to explore the expanse of his chest, giving him some marks of her own, his skin isn’t easily bruised as hers so she couldn’t match the number of marks he left on her neck and chest. 

She’ll just have to make it up by marking up his back later with her nails.

“Lumine…” Ajax hummed in anticipation as he watched Lumine made her way down to his cock, eyes locked on each other’s when she hovered over his tip.

Ajax swallowed, biting his lip as he adjusted his position, he always loved watching her take him. His hand reached up to caress her cheek, feeling her lean into his touch before moving his hand to her hair, nudging her closer to his aching prick as an encouragement.

She didn’t disappoint as her tongue slid along the slit, making him thrust in her warm wet mouth. He released a sigh of relief as she immediately went right up to work, bobbing her head up and down, tongue swirling around the tip when she reached it. 

Ajax is a gentleman. He really is. 

But as he watches and feels Lumine hungrily sucking his cock, not to mention the way her eyes seemed to be waiting and begging despite the unshed tears that are beginning to build up whenever she takes him down her throat, Ajax just can’t help but grab her hair and push her down as he thrusts his hips up.

“Fuck!” he hissed as he felt her swallow and tightened around him, moaning loudly when he felt the vibrations from the pleased moan she’s making. 

Turned on, Lumine could feel her core aching again, making her sneak a hand between her thighs, teasing her clit a little bit before dipping two fingers between her folds, trying to match Ajax’s pace as she imagines and anticipates for his cock to be buried in her later.

The sensation and visual is just enough for Ajax to desperately fuck into her mouth, the wet choking noises egging him on to his release. 

“I’m… I’m gonna…” he panted as tried to stop himself from being rougher than he already is. 

Lumine hummed, looking at him with pleading eyes to give it to her.

And who is Ajax to deprive her of that?

With one final deep thrust, he spilt in her throat.

After making sure to swallow every drop of him, Lumine pulled away, wiping the excess with the back of her hand and a satisfied smile. Ajax released a groan before pulling her on top of him, grabbing her hand that was still buried inside of her. They gave her wet fingers a brief look before looking at each other’s eyes and with a smirk from Ajax, he took her fingers in his mouth, moaning at her taste as his tongue greedily swirls around the digits, “Delicious.” he licked his lips after releasing her fingers with a pop.

“Ajax…” she whined when she felt him harden again, his tip teasing sliding against her slit at their current position, “Please…” she gasped out when he reached down to continue rubbing himself between her folds. 

Ajax flipped them over so he was on top, kissing Lumine again as he slowly entered her. They pulled away with a groan, Lumine from the pressure and Ajax from the tightness. As a petite woman, Ajax tries to be patient as he waits for her to adjust to his rather sizable length. It usually takes Lumine a while to get used to being full of him, even if they made love a couple of times already. 

Ajax kissed the tears from her face, “You’re doing great, baby… such a good girl…” he showered her with praises, groaning quietly as her nails scratch on his back. 

Once he felt her hold on him loosened, he slowly pulled back, only retrieving a small inch of himself before pushing in again at the same pace, hoping the shallow thrusts could help her adjust quicker as his resolve to just not ram himself inside her slowly wither away.

Luckily for them, Lumine doesn’t mind a bit of pain in her pleasure as she daringly thrusts up to meet him, making them both moan.

Ajax cursed under his breath before taking it as a signal to pull farther back before sharply thrusting in.

Lumine gasped, clawing her lover’s back as she tried to keep up with him, it didn’t take long for her to fall behind though, letting Ajax take control as she took it like a good girl.

As Ajax began to feel confident he wouldn’t hurt her, his thrusts became stronger, pulling almost all the way out before slamming back inside, losing control of himself as he listened to Lumine’s cries of pleasure.

He hissed when Lumine started biting his shoulder, whether to mark him or quiet her cries, he doesn’t care, he loves being marked as Lumine as much as he loves marking her.

“Lumine… feels so good inside you…” he panted between his thrusts, getting lost in the pleasure of her cunt gripping him as if greedily trying to suck him back in whenever he pulls back.

Lumine just mewled in pleasure, failing to form coherent words when Ajax is hitting her spot dead on, causing her to tighten, and at one particularly sharp thrust against that spot, she screamed his name, nails digging through his back as she came, her hips and cunt spasming around him. 

“Fuck, Lumine… I’m coming…” he moaned in her ear, being careful not to spill inside her.

Lumine seemed to have other plans though, once she felt Ajax readying himself to pull out and spill himself between her legs like he always does, she locked him in place with her legs.

“Baby, I don’t think I can last much longer,” Ajax warned as he gave her a look.

Lumine pulled him closer so her mouth was against his ear, “It’s okay… Don’t you think it’s about time Qiqi gets a playmate anyway?”

Ajax gasped, his eyes widening at Lumine’s words. 

The thought of Lumine pregnant with his child was just enough for him to give one final thrust, burying himself as deep as he can before releasing his seed.

Lumine gasped, whining out his name as she felt him fill her up. It was enough to send her over the edge again. 

Ajax can’t remember if he ever came this hard before, or felt something as amazing as now. He had always pulled out before, respecting Lumine’s wishes to avoid getting pregnant. While this obviously won’t get Lumine knocked up immediately, Ajax can’t help but feel elated that Lumine wants to expand their little family.

Once he’s done, he slowly pulls out, laying beside Lumine before wrapping his arms around her waist, “I love you so much.” he declared before kissing her forehead, “But… are you… are you really…? That wasn’t just something to get me off, right?” 

Lumine chuckled as she turned to her side to look at him, “Nah, I just miss feeling pregnant.” she teased.

“Mm, I can definitely help you with that.” Ajax grinned, the thought already filling him with excitement. He may or may not be growing hard again as he pictures Lumine and her belly swollen with his children.

Lumine laughed before moving closer, “In all seriousness though, yeah, I think it would be nice to give Qiqi some siblings, no? I’ve always wanted 4 kids.”

“Hm, I kinda want more… Wanna compensate and bump that up to 10?” Ajax grinned.

“Ajax!” Lumine gasped with wide eyes.

“What? I originally wanted 20.” he laughed at her horrified look, “I’m kidding, I think 4 is a great number. Though, I know you won’t be able to resist me- ow!” he flinched when she pinched her but still laughed after.

“You’re such a dick.”

“You love my dick.”

“Okay, that’s it, I’m sleeping in the guest room.” 

“Can you walk though?”

“...Fuck you…”

“Sure, let’s get to work on those babies.”

“Ajax!” 

Ajax burst out laughing, “Okay, I’m sorry, you’re just so adorable to tease.” he said before pulling her close to kiss her pout away.

Lumine just huffed but smiled, she just loves this man so much. Tiredness came to her soon, with a yawn, she made herself comfortable on his chest, “Hm, you’re lucky I love you so much.” hummed before tiredness took over her.

Ajax smiled softly, placing a soft kiss on her hair, 

“I definitely am.” 

~~~

He stumbled as he runs.

How could he not? He felt like he’d been running for eternity non-stop. 

But how could he not? The mysterious woman is growing closer and closer as he forced himself to run as fast as he can. She doesn’t seem to feel unreachable anymore, she just stays there as if waiting for him.

And as her face became clearer and clearer, how could he not want to run into her inviting open arms and that warm smile on her lips?

“You’re almost there.” 

His golden eyes widened at the sound of the voice, and for reasons he couldn’t understand, he grew desperate, ignoring his own harsh breathing as his lungs struggle to keep up with him, ignoring the tears falling from his eyes as he starts to feel the chains that had been weighing him slowly disappear every time she grew closer.

“You can do it.” she encourages, “You’re almost home.”

Home.

Closer and closer she grew.

“Welcome home, my love.” 

He jumped into her arms.

Everything all went white.

.

.

.

“...Doc… Doc, he’s finally waking up!”

[greenygreenland]

Dawn: Garmadon and Wu x Reader

-sorry this took so long, I was trying to generate ideas I liked, but then writers’ block was like

~no~

Summary (given to me by @minneholmes): What about “in the period of garmadon and wu’s adult years (the anacondrai wars) where reader is trying to keep all the elemental masters together?” The reader could be a childhood friend or a significant other of one of the brothers.

You knew nothing lasted forever, but this? This was it. The final and only breaking point left to snap was this. The Elemental Alliance had been solid. It was like Earth, rigid, unyielding, and whole. Now, it lay in shambles, leaving you with nothing save for suffering. 

The war would end soon, you thought. But not in your favour or anyone else  beside those slithering pieces of slime. You sighed, running a hand through your hair as Wu have your shoulder a good squeeze. “There was nothing left to be done.” he said. You sent him a glance, shrugging off his hand with a frown. 

“There’s ‘nothing left to be done’?” You were beyond angry. Angry at yourself, at how stupid you had been, at how badly everything had turned out to be. Your eyes stung with hot tears but you didn’t care, you had to yell, had to let the universe know just how angry you were. 

“Wu, if we had been more alert, then we all would have seen it coming! We shouldn’t have trusted the word of our own, no matter how tight knit we are. That was how they got us. We were fooled by our own blind belief in each other!” You grasped the sides of your head, ruffling your hair and extending the gap between you and Wu. “I don’t care what we do next. I’d rather die than lose to the anacondrai! I will not bow down to them. Never.” 

You couldn’t see through the tears blurring your vision. You were just so angry at everything and anything that came in your way because nothing was supposed to turn out like this, nothing was supposed to not get better. You were tired. Tired of it all. “There’s--there’s nothing left to do Wu and I...I don’t know how we can win when we...” 

Suddenly, warm arms pulled you in fast. They were warm, comforting, and loving. You hadn’t hugged anyone in a while, not since the start of the War that left you scraping over war plans for days. There was no time for sentiment when anyone could die any moment. 

The last rays of sun shone over Wu’s golden locks, illuminating the precious colours over your cheeks. Wu was the very embodiment of light. He practically exuded it wherever he went. 

“When I was young,” he tenderly began, “my father always told me to have faith. Forever, that is what I will hold onto, and for that reason, I will never admit defeat until I know it to be the right path.” Your knees began to give out and Wu crumpled to the floor by your side, arms still tightly secured around your shoulders. 

“When we walk, it will never be in a straight line, so when we face adversary and hardship, we must never lose faith in ourselves or those around us. I know hope may be lost, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find it again.” You squeezed your eyes shut and buried your face in his shoulder. “Wu, I--I’m falling apart. I can’t...I can’t do this...” 

“Yes you can.” he affirmed. “You’re strong, so much stronger than you know.” 

You sat there in the quiet courtyard for a while longer, savouring the comfort that encased your soul. Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn’t. You wouldn’t know, not until you were sure the war could be won. 

When you had finally calmed, Wu glanced at the purple sky mashing with pink and blue. “It’s getting dark.” he gently said. “Do you want to go inside?” You shook your head. “I think I’ll stay a while longer.” He nodded in understanding, giving your elbow a pat. “Good night (Y/n). There’s dinner on the stove and tea on the counter if you want some. Get some sleep.” He glanced at the dark circles under your eyes. “Please.” 

You watched as Wu made his way to the doors and slid them open. For a moment, warm, yellow light engulfed your figure with warmth. But as soon as it came, it disappeared, along with Wu and his comforting smile. You rested your head in your knees, and for an eternity, you sat in the fading light, allowing the darkness to consume you until the stars and moon decided to enter the stage. 

You knew it hadn’t really been an eternity, but it could have been. You were drowning in your mistakes, your misplaced steps that could have led to victory. The broken alliance was left in shards, shards you could never piece together. 

“Hey.” 

You lazily opened your eyes, squinting at the small lantern that burned through the night. “Garmadon.” Your voice was soft, nearly lost to the wind. It was a miracle he heard it, and another that he allowed a smile to reach his lips. “What are you doing out here?” 

“Drowning in my own sins.” 

Garmadon set the lantern at his feet and plopped down by your side. He leaned against the wall, allowing his head to fall back so he could gaze at the stars. “You didn’t show up for dinner. Are you hungry? Or has that urge been drowned too?” You chuckled a little at his lame attempt at a joke. 

“You look better when you smile.” he boldly admitted. “Keep it that way.” You ignored the heat rising to your cheeks. “Garmadon--”

“When we were younger, you used to smile all the time. So much that your cheeks hurt. I called you stupid for that, but now I wish I hadn’t.” He let out a long sigh, and you realised that he was reliving memories of the past. Garmadon was hard to read compared to Wu, but it was times like this that you knew what he was thinking just by feeling. 

“Something is on your mind.” you blurted. Garmadon glanced at you and then back at the stars. He fiddled with the edge of his sleeves. “Even if I am, it’s not important.” He turned to face you head-on. “Talk. You’re not okay and I will not sit here watching you fall apart.” You bumped his shoulder, almost playfully. “I’m alright. I’ll get through this like I always do.” 

“’Like I always do’.” Garmadon scoffed. “This is a battle you can’t win on your own. No matter how strong you are. Nothing was your fault, no matter how you look at it.” 

There was a long beat of silence that stretched for seconds, then minutes and more. You didn’t know what to say, and maybe that was because there was nothing to say. Garmadon was right. First Spinjitzu Master did you hate when he was right. 

“The Time Twins were the key,” you quietly stated. “They were the first step that caused doubt to spread between all of us. Garmadon, who do we trust? What if they managed to convince other Masters to turn? Then what can we do? We are all filled with doubt, and that doubt is more powerful than any army. I said it once and I’ll say it again, we are losing.” 

Garmadon didn’t say anything. 

He was supposed to be the smart one. The solid boy who you looked to for ideas and support when you had none. This time? All he gave you was a look of uncertainty. Shivers ran down your spine.

---

A brand new day. A brand new dawn. Your stomach grumbled, and you knew it was because you had skipped dinner and breakfast. It was a terrible coping mechanism you did under stress, something that would later come to bite you in the back. 

But you couldn’t worry about that now. You had a duty, as the Master of Aether, to the last of the Alliance. 

You could practically feel the doubt coursing through the Master of Ice’s veins as you passed him. He had his arms crossed, and his lips pursed so paper thin. “How can we win without the Time Twins?” he inquired. “They were our most powerful allies, and now, I do not believe we stand a chance.” 

The Master of Lightning ran a hand through her thick hair with a sigh. “I can only hope we win this. They have all the time in the world they need, all while controlling it and everything. What do we have? Just the last of us. And even if we do win, how do you restrain two Masters of Time?”

You paused in your step, flicking your katana a few times to ease your nerves. You carefully listened as they continued talking amongst themselves. 

We can’t do this...

We can’t win without them...

How do you beat time?

We’re going to lose.

It’s over. 

It’s all over.

Suddenly, as if you had been struck by the Master of Lightning herself, you froze. Everything became clear, and it was then that you knew you had to do something. Even if you doubted your own abilities, your own allies, and everything Ninjago had to offer, you couldn’t sit around and watch it unfold.

You had to be there for the Alliance when no one else could. You had to mend the broken pieces, even if it was one by one.

You turned to the Alliance gathered in small groups. They mingled with each other, discussing the latest battle plans or complaining about how this was ‘the end. “Excuse me!” you called. “Can I have everyone’s attention!” 

The Masters all turned to you, eyes wide in bewilderment. 

“Don’t tell me we’ve been betrayed again. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the Master of Lightning’s fault. She has a big mouth anyway.” 

You didn’t care who said that; you’d chew him out if you saw him again after the battle. “I know we all feel doubtful,” you glanced at the guy who complained a second ago. “But that does not mean we can accuse each other of betrayal! If you want to continue doubting each other, then fine. If Ninjago falls, then I know I can blame someone other than myself. This is our last stand. We cannot let the Anacondrai win! Not when there are families--mothers, fathers, children who rely on us! We cannot fail them. Not this time. 

“Someone told me to have faith,” you glanced at Wu, “and that when we walk, it will never be in a straight line. This...setback, this betrayal, will not hinder us further. Today is a new day, meaning new beginnings, and new opportunities. We are strong, but only as our weakest link. Together,” you glanced at Garmadon, “we must mend what has been broken, and triumph for the Alliance! For all of Ninjago!”

You heaved in a deep breath. 

“So let this be our last stand, and together, let there be another dawn.”

My Ko-fi (please support me 👉👈) Also please reblog so this ca reach more people. Also, also, happy Christmas if you celebrate.

[nicknellie]

Anonymous requested: I’d love literally anything Flarrie, but I’d really like to see some Nick/Carrie friendship as well (I feel like however she’d come out, he’d be surprised but support her 1000000% and I never see fics featuring their friendship)

Anon, I’m not even joking, you might be my favourite person literally ever. Flarrie with a side of Carrie and Nick being best friends? Sign me the fuck up. I’ve had a serious case of writer’s block, so I can’t promise this is the best thing I’ve ever written, but I still love it. Also this is the first time I’ve ever written Nick, so it might be out of character, but I think I did pretty well. Thank you so much for suggesting this!

Title is from the Masterplan by Oasis because that song fits this fic beautifully.

Say It Loud and Sing It Proud

Carrie looked herself up and down in the mirror, certain she would find something amiss. Her hair was elegantly twirled into a braided crown, her makeup was all soft pinks and subtle glitter, and her dress fit her like a glove. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her appearance, and as far as she could think of there was nothing to be worried about for the night ahead at all, which made the hammering of her heart and the watering of her eyes all the more frustrating.

She had been so excited about tonight. It was Los Feliz’s school dance and everyone had been buzzing about it for weeks. Initially Carrie hadn’t been too bothered – just another party, just another dance, she had been to plenty of those in her lifetime. But then one thing had happened and Carrie had found herself more excited about the dance than she had ever thought possible. Now that same thing had her hands shaking and her breath hitching in her throat.

“Carrie?” Nick called from her bedroom. She had almost forgotten he was there. “Are you almost ready?”

She looked up into the mirror of her ensuite again, head tilted so that she could see the reflection of her bedroom behind her, the door thrown open wide between the two rooms. Nick was lying on her bed in his suave white suit, his shoes placed neatly at the end of the bed, scrolling through his phone in boredom. She didn’t blame him – he had been waiting for her to get ready for going on two hours and there were only so many apps a person could mindlessly switch between for hours on end.

She almost envied his boredom. She would have felt exactly the same had it not been for that one perfect, terrifying thing.

Carrie shook her head, steeled herself, took a deep breath. “Yeah, just give me another minute.”

There was nothing to worry about. There was nothing to worry about. There was nothing to worry about. She repeated it in her head, a harsh mantra, one last desperate attempt to calm herself down. And with a final deep breath and glance in the mirror, she left the ensuite and perched herself primly on the end of her bed just beside Nick.

He looked up from his phone, sat up a little straighter and smiled at her. “You look great.”

Absently, Carrie remembered the days he used to say things like that in a romantic way. Compliments peppered here and there, usually followed by a kiss on the cheek or a gentle hug. She almost laughed – those days, thankfully, were far behind them and she was more happy being friends with Nick than she had ever been when they were dating.

“Thanks,” she said, trying for a smile. She wasn’t quite sure if she achieved one, but Nick made no comment so she took it as a win.

“So,” he said, sitting cross-legged in front of her. “Are you ever going to tell me who your date is for tonight?”

Carrie looked anywhere but at Nick. Ever since she had told him she had a date for the dance, he had been enthusiastically trying to guess who it was or trying to wheedle the information out of her himself. It would have been fine, a fun little bit of banter between the two of them, and eventually she would have told him – it was just that she and her date had agreed not to tell anyone until they arrived at the dance, that way they could let everyone know together. No awkward one-on-one conversations, no hurt feelings because one person knew before somebody else. It would be simpler that way.

Simple, Carrie thought, but absolutely petrifying.

“Nope,” she said brightly, forcing a giggle. “I told you, you’ll have to wait and find out.”

“Can I keep guessing then?” Nick asked.

Ah. That was the worst of it. Again, Carrie wouldn’t have minded Nick guessing. A little bit of light-hearted conversation to pass the time, an inside joke to laugh over. But there was just one problem that made Carrie endlessly uncomfortable.

All of Nick’s guesses so far had been boys.

Her date was most certainly not one of those.

It had all started about ten months ago, late August or early September, the very beginning of the school year. Carrie had turned up to her science class and had seen, to her utter dismay, a new seating plan displayed on the board. Teacher-made seating plans never worked out; Carrie would always end up sat next to someone she either hated or never spoke to. In this case, it had been the first option.

She had stalked over to her seat at the back of the classroom, already furious, and slammed her things down on the table. Sitting down, she scooted her chair as far away from the person beside her as possible, glowering all the while. The person had sighed loudly and Carrie heard shuffling as they turned to face her.

“Look,” Flynn had said, voice flat and clearly unhappy. “I’m not exactly thrilled about this either. But it’s one class and if we refuse to even try and get along with each other we’re just going to make it worse for both of us. So stop glaring at the seating plan like it killed your whole family and grow up.”

Carrie had blinked and slowly turned to look at Flynn. Her expression was as empty as her tone of voice. In a weird sort of way, it was intimidating – Carrie felt her insides squirm. There had been nothing she could have said in response (in fact she wasn’t sure she could have spoken even if she tried) so she just nodded and sat up straight primly, attention focused on their teacher.

She had never liked Flynn. There was just something about her that didn’t sit right. Maybe it was how bold and loud she was all the time, how she was so free and comfortable with herself. Maybe it was how she had become friends with Julie Molina and ever since then Carrie and Julie had drifted apart. Maybe it was how every time Carrie looked at Flynn her breath caught in her throat and her mind wandered and her heart beat faster and she wanted so desperately just to smile, which she didn’t understand at all.

Carrie had not liked Flynn, but she couldn’t deny that she was right about the seating plan. It was better to try and get on than to simply simmer in stony silence.

So they had tried. And to Carrie’s surprise, they hadn’t even had to try very hard. Their first conversations started off awkward and forced as they tried to unnaturally spark some kind of civility between them. After about a month, they had found themselves talking a lot more freely to one another, less effort needed, and silences became more comfortable.

But it wasn’t until an experiment went wrong one lesson and Carrie had ended up drenched from head to toe in water, Flynn crying with laughter like it was the funniest thing she had ever seen, that Carrie realised that maybe they had finally become friends. Ordinarily she would have been furious at Flynn (or anyone for that matter) for laughing at her when she was embarrassed, but as Flynn howled, breathless and giddy, Carrie found herself beginning to laugh too.

Since that day it had become easy. Carrie had started hanging out with Flynn’s friends more, reigniting her friendship with Julie, and soon enough Nick had joined their group as well. Carrie found herself and Flynn sharing inside jokes, texting each other all night long, meeting up on weekends just for the sake of seeing each other. Flynn even gave Carrie a nickname, only used on rare occasion – Care Bear. It was ironic, made because Carrie’s response to one too many things had been ‘I don’t care’.

For a while, they had been friends and happy that way. Every time Carrie saw Flynn, she thought her heart might burst with the giddy joy that only Flynn could instil in her. She had let herself smile that wide and bright smile she always wanted to when Flynn was around because it was allowed now. So many things were allowed now that they were friends, things Carrie had hardly even realised she wanted to do – she could hug Flynn, link arms with her, hold her hand, fall asleep on her shoulder during their sleepovers.

In fact, it was on one of those sleepovers that Carrie realised that those things she wanted to do might not have been purely friendly.

She had woken up before Flynn, sprawled on the sofa in the fort they had built (as had become a tradition for their sleepovers – who didn’t love building pillow forts?). She had stretched and rolled over, burrowing a little further into the covers, and caught sight of Flynn fast asleep on the air mattress on the floor. She looked so peaceful, wrapped in two blankets, her chest gently rising and falling as she breathed, her hair spilled over her face. Carrie had smiled and tenderly reached down to move a braid away from Flynn’s face.

Without thinking, she gently ran her thumb along Flynn’s cheek, still smiling to herself. Then she had stopped because what on Earth was she doing? And in that one moment she re-evaluated every interaction she’d ever had with Flynn, played out every moment in her head over and over again and realised in no uncertain terms that–

“I’m in love with you,” she had whispered dumbfoundedly. She didn’t think, just shook Flynn awake, more forcefully than was probably necessary. Flynn grumbled, but sat up, probably thinking there was an emergency. Carrie didn’t let her ask whatever question she probably had lined up, just repeated again so that Flynn could hear her this time, “I’m in love with you.”

Flynn’s expression had morphed from sleepy urgency to utter bewilderment to dawning realisation to pure elation.

“Really?” she had said, wide awake all of a sudden.

Carrie had just nodded – she had used up all her words.

Flynn beamed and launched herself forward, wrapping Carrie in a tight hug that she responded to as if it was the most natural thing in the world, all the both of them had been born to do.

Flynn spoke in tandem with the rising sun as its light streamed through the window and illuminated the two of them, holding onto each other, just four simple words: “I love you too.”

That had been three months ago. They had done a lot since then – officially labelled themselves girlfriends, gone on their first dates, had their first kiss. But one thing they hadn’t done was tell anyone they were together. At first it was because they had wanted to wait and see it they ‘worked’. After that, the time had never felt right, and as time went on the whole prospect had become more and more daunting.

Which was where the school dance came in. Flynn had been disappointed when Carrie had told her that she wasn’t planning on going.

“Oh, come on,” Flynn had whined, her fingers trailing through Carrie’s hair, sending shivers down her spine, “it’ll be fun! We’ll get to spend the whole night dancing and hanging out with our friends! Plus, I’m DJing for about an hour near the start so you’ve got to come and watch me.”

Carrie had remained unconvinced. “It’s just a dance. There’ll be one next year and the year after, it’s not like I’ll be missing much.”

“I want you to be there with me,” Flynn had said.

That in itself had almost been enough for Carrie – she turned to face her Flynn, whose expression was open and honest and adoring. She realised in that moment how lucky she was to have Flynn, this beautiful girl who loved and understood her and wanted her to see her doing something she was proud of. Someone who wanted to spend time with her because she couldn’t imagine anything better. Flynn was a stroke of luck, more valuable and more rare than a lottery win, and Carrie had the privilege of calling herself her girlfriend.

But nobody else knew.

“Okay,” Carrie had said, “but we’ve got to make it worthwhile.”

“It will be,” Flynn insisted, beaming. “Julie and the guys are performing as well, so that’ll be great, and I’m pretty su–”

“No,” Carrie interrupted, “I mean I have something specific in mind.”

Flynn went quiet, said nothing, nodded encouragingly.

Carrie had taken a deep breath and said, “What if we told everyone about us? Just show up and tell our friends and dance together and spend the night as Carrie-and-Flynn rather than just Carrie and Flynn?”

“Woah,” Flynn had breathed. Carrie had instantly regretted saying anything at all – was it too soon still? Did Flynn not want to move that fast? Did she not want to tell their friends at all? “Really?”

“We don’t have to,” Carrie said, turning away. She felt Flynn link their fingers together but still didn’t look back at her. “If you don’t want to then I get it.”

“I do want to,” Flynn said. Carrie turned to face her then and saw that her eyes were bright with tears. “Of course I want to. As long as you’re ready then I think we should go for it.”

Everything in Carrie had screamed at her to backtrack, to wait a little longer, that this was a mistake. But she had gripped Flynn’s hand tighter, pressed a kiss to her lips, and smiled.

“I’m ready.”

Just like that, she had gone from indifferent about the dance, to ecstatic, and now – sat on her bed beside Nick, watching him expectantly wait for her to reply – she was utterly dreading it.

“Sure,” she said now, voice thick, “you can keep guessing.”

Nick frowned and leaned back, propping himself up with his hands behind his back. “It doesn’t sound like you want me to.”

Carrie tried to look him in the eye, but just couldn’t manage it. She felt like her chest was going to burst, like her head was full of TV static. She heard Nick sigh.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “if you don’t want me to pry then I won’t.”

“It’s not that,” Carrie assured him, quiet. She took her time as she spoke, grasping for the words – all of them felt out of her reach. “I don’t mind the guessing.”

“Then what is it?”

She looked at him. She knew Nick, she’d known him practically her entire life, ever since they were toddlers. She had dated him for two years and now considered him her closest friend. His expression now was kind, gently nudging her to say what was on her mind.

Carrie and Flynn had agreed not to tell anyone at all before the dance, but if anyone could ease Carrie’s mind it was Nick, and if she didn’t calm down soon then she wouldn’t be going to the dance at all.

So she chose to tell him.

“Flynn and I are dating,” she said, looking at her duvet instead of at him, throwing the words out in one breath so she couldn’t hesitate or stop herself. “We have been for three months and we’re supposed to be telling everyone tonight, but I just feel so nervous about it and I don’t even know why. And I wasn’t meant to tell you because we said we’d tell everyone together, but at this rate I don’t even think I can make it out of this room.”

Nick was silent for a moment. All he did was reach out and take Carrie’s hand, stilling its movement – she hadn’t realised, but she had been restlessly picking at her duvet cover and had almost worn a hole in it. He held her hand softly in his and squeezed it ever so slightly, just enough to give Carrie the courage to meet his eye.

“It’s okay,” he said, smiling. “I promise you. Everything is okay.”

Somehow she believed it. She nodded mutedly.

“There’s nothing to worry about, right?” Nick continued, his thumb tracing gentle patterns on the back of her hand. The ticklish feeling was oddly grounding. “Are you and Flynn happy together?”

“Yes,” Carrie breathed.

“Does it matter what anyone else thinks of it?”

Carrie shrugged. “You. And the rest of our friends.”

“Well, I’m happy for you, so you don’t need to worry about that. And none of our friends have a problem with Alex and Willie – why would they have a problem with you and Flynn?”

She didn’t have an answer for that. A single tear slipped down her cheek and Nick pulled a fresh pack of tissues from his pocket. Gratefully, she took one and dabbed it away.

“It’s scary,” he said. “Of course it’s scary. But at the end of the day, it’s just you and the girl you care about being who you are. And that’s such a great thing. I guarantee that once you see Flynn tonight you’ll forget you were nervous at all in the first place.”

“You think so?” she asked weakly.

“I know so,” he replied, smiling.

There was a quiet pause in which Carrie wondered how she’d ever got lucky enough to have such wonderful people in her life.

“Thank you,” she breathed.

Nick playfully punched her arm, lightening the mood just like that. “Don’t even mention it. And hey – thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I’m always here for you, you know that, right?”

She nodded. Of course she knew that.

“So,” Nick continued, “you like girls?”

Carrie giggled, still dabbing at her eyes, now more focused on not ruining her makeup than not crying. “Yes, I like girls.”

“And boys?” Nick asked hesitantly. Carrie shook her head. “Did you know that when we were dating?”

“No,” Carrie said. “I only figured it out a few months ago. Because of Flynn.”

To Carrie’s surprise, Nick beamed. She had expected him to be a little put out for reasons she couldn’t quite place, but if anything he looked happy.

“I’m glad you get to be yourself now,” he said.

Carrie pushed him playfully because her two options were joke about the situation or burst into tears, and she knew which one she would rather do.

She checked the time and realised that they definitely needed to leave sooner rather than later, so stood up and slipped her shoes on, putting the final touches to her outfit as Nick asked careful questions about her and Flynn. It was nice, finally being able to gush about her girlfriend without the fear of accidentally outing herself. As she was talking to Nick, she realised she should probably have told Flynn that Nick knew.

She sent her a quick text: I was nervous so I told Nick about us, sorry if that ruins things? Xx

To her relief, Flynn replied almost instantly with: lol it’s fine, I told Julie xx

Carrie couldn’t help but laugh to herself, mingled with a sigh of relief. At least Flynn was seemingly nervous too.

Luckily, Carrie’s house wasn’t too far away from Los Feliz. She and Nick took the short walk there, easy banter flowing between them – most of Carrie’s nerves had subsided, but there was still a nagging doubt at the back of her mind that maybe this was all a mistake. She tried to distract from it by focusing on her chat with Nick, making herself laugh a little louder than was perhaps natural, forcing smiles too wide. As they neared the entrance to the school, she couldn’t keep the act up anymore and let her smile fall.

Nick softly laid his hand on her back and Carrie took a deep breath.

“You got this,” he said encouragingly, smiling gently. “You’re Carrie Wilson – you can do anything you put your mind to.”

Hardly realising she was doing it, Carrie slipped her hand into Nick’s, some old comforting reminder of the unbreakable bond they had. It grounded her, even if it didn’t still her nerves.

Together they entered the school and made their way towards the hall where the pulsing music rocked the building’s foundations, blue and pink lights streaked into the hallway, and the vibrant cheers and chatter from the students of Los Feliz echoed like thunder. In some last-ditch grab for calm, Carrie stepped in ahead of Nick.

The hall had been decorated marvellously, but Carrie hardly saw it. The second she had walked in, her eyes had trained on the stage where Flynn was stood behind the DJ set. She looked radiant, her hair pulled away from her face with butterfly clips, her dress every shade of the sunset glowing in the fluorescent lights, her smile bright and gleeful. She looked distracted though – Carrie watched as Flynn’s eyes scanned the room, searching for something.

Or someone.

Searching for Carrie.

Her nerves were suddenly long gone. Her hand fell from Nick’s and she pushed her way through the crowd, ending up in front of the stage, directly in front of Flynn. Their eyes met, and Carrie knew that the happiness in Flynn’s eyes was mirrored in her own. Nick had been right; just seeing Flynn being her beautiful self had melted Carrie’s worries away.

“You made it!” Flynn called, moving her headphones away from her ears, yelling over the music. “How are you feeling?”

“Better now I’m with you,” Carrie called back. She was aware of how soppy the line was, how cheesy and predictable, but it was true. Seeing Flynn had made everything feel alright.

“I’ll come and catch up with you after I finish my set,” Flynn told her. “The others are sat over there, I’ll be as quick as I can!”

Waving goodbye, Carrie hurried over to where Flynn had pointed. Julie and Luke were sat close beside each other in their matching outfits, Luke talking Julie’s ear off as she watched him with a fond expression; Alex and Willie were with each other, hands clasped firmly together, heads bowed in private conversation; Nick had joined Reggie and the two were already wrapped up in an animated conversation. Carrie smiled to herself and sat down beside Julie.

Julie turned away from Luke momentarily, just long enough to give Carrie a smile that said a thousand things in just one second. There was one overwhelming message in it though: I’m happy for you both.

Carrie gave a tiny smile back, then turned to watch as Flynn wrapped up her set and left the stage empty, bounding over to the group. It was at that moment that Carrie realised they hadn’t exactly worked out how they were going to reveal to their friends that they were an item – this whole thing could turn incredibly awkward very quickly if neither of them knew what they were doing.

Thankfully, it seemed Flynn wasn’t as worried.

She reached the group, ignored their friends exclamations of, “Nice job, Flynn,” and, “You killed it,” in favour of cupping Carrie’s face in her hands and pressing a firm but loving kiss to her lips. Out of surprise, Carrie didn’t react, but Flynn pulled away quickly anyway, an ecstatic smile on her face. She pulled a chair up, sat beside Carrie, and gripped her hand tightly.

“Did you like my set?” Flynn asked, clearly knowing the answer.

“It was amazing,” Carrie gushed, fiddling with Flynn’s fingers between her own. “You were amazing.”

Flynn smiled and flicked her hair over her shoulder, proud of herself.

“Is this a thing now?”

Luke had interrupted their moment without a moment’s hesitation. He was leaned over the table past Julie (who was smirking knowingly), and it was only then that Carrie noticed she and Flynn had Alex, Willie, Reggie, and Nick’s eyes on them too. She looked in the only direction that felt safe – towards Flynn. Flynn smiled, pulled Carrie closer by her hand, and shrugged.

“Of course it’s a thing,” she said like it was obvious, like it was common knowledge.

There was no awkward pause, no judgemental looks, no hint that anyone might not have reacted positively. In fact, it was quite the opposite – Alex was out of his seat in a moment, catching Carrie in a hug and telling her in no uncertain terms that he was proud of her; Willie and Reggie reached over to Flynn and the three of them quickly performed the secret handshake they’d made a few months prior; Luke looked utterly dumbfounded, like he hadn’t seen this coming in the slightest, but he was grinning; and Julie and Nick were both watching Flynn and Carrie with private, kind smiles.

Carrie had never felt so loved.

The night flew past. It was a whirlwind of colour and smiles and laughter and dancing and food and drink and joy and love. Carrie had howled with laughter as Alex, Luke, and Reggie had attempted the lift from Dirty Dancing but failed miserably; she had danced along with Flynn, Willie, and Nick as Julie and the Phantoms performed their set; she pulled Flynn to sit in her lap when they both got too tired to carry on dancing.

Eventually, Carrie and Nick broke away from the group to get everyone drinks. While they were over at the refreshment table, Nick nudged Carrie with his shoulder.

“What?” she said.

He smiled and threw an arm around her shoulders. “I’m proud of you. And I love you.”

She rolled her eyes, supressing a smile. “Shut up.”

A moment later though, she added a quiet, “I love you too.”

The night began to draw to a close and the final songs started playing. Carrie was brimming with giddy excitement still, but it had dulled as exhaustion began to weigh her down. The room felt hazy and dizzy as everyone grew tired, but still Carrie wanted to stay there forever, beside Flynn (who somehow still looked full of energy), holding her hand and simply existing with her.

Until a slow song began to play and couples flooded the dance floor.

Julie and Luke were the first of their group to gravitate towards the gathering crowd, Alex and Willie hot on their heels. Reggie tugged Nick to the dance floor, telling him he didn’t want to be left out and they could dance together even if they weren’t a couple. So Flynn and Carrie were left together, hand in hand by the edge of the dance floor.

Flynn looked to Carrie, something sentimental and sweet in her depthless brown eyes. Carrie thought that if she looked into them for too long she’d never be able to look away – Flynn had that effect on her, always pulling her closer, drawing her in. She loved it more than words could say.

“May I have this dance?” Flynn offered, tone light and joking. It didn’t mean that Carrie missed the underlying nerves – it seemed that this was the first thing all night to really rattle Flynn. Something as simple as a slow dance.

So Carrie decided to be brave.

“You never have to ask to dance with me,” she said, beaming, and pulled Flynn onto the dance floor.

They fell into a soft rhythm naturally, in the centre of the floor, swaying in tandem with each other. Flynn’s arms were linked around Carrie’s neck, and Carrie planted her hands gently on Flynn’s waist. For a while, they simply looked at each other, the silence between them too meaningful to be broken by anything other than the slow song that played in the background. But after a while, Flynn rested her head on Carrie’s shoulder. Carrie felt Flynn’s eyes flutter shut against her skin, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“I’m glad we did this,” she whispered, her own eyes falling shut as they swayed together. She wasn’t taking any notice of what she was saying, but she knew she meant every word. “This feels right. I’m so happy I get to be with you – you mean everything to me.”

“I love you,” Flynn said, her breath warm on Carrie’s neck and collarbone.

“I love you too,” she breathed.

That night, Flynn stayed at Carrie’s house because it was just that little bit closer to school than her own. By the time they arrived there, Carrie’s dad had gone to bed and the house was quiet and calm, only lit by the light of the moon, washing in through the large windows. Carrie led Flynn upstairs to her bedroom – both of them were so tired that they fell into Carrie’s bed without bothering to put their pyjamas on or get ready for bed in any way.

Carrie shuffled about, folding herself around Flynn, her face tucked into Flynn’s hair. Not for the first time, she thought about how lucky she was to have Flynn, this wonderful girl who was all hers, who loved her and was loved by her in return.

“Hey,” she whispered, half asleep already, “thank you for tonight.”

“Thank you,” Flynn yawned, eyes opening just enough to look at Carrie, a small smile on her face. “You’re the one who made it special, Care Bear. I’m proud of us.”

Carrie kissed her, just once, gently. It was the kind of soft kiss that felt like it would shatter the Earth if it ever stopped, or like Carrie’s heart would stop beating if Flynn ever stopped touching her.

“I’m proud of us too,” she whispered.

It was impossible to imagine that it was in this very room just hours before that Carrie had been dreading going to the dance. Now she was glad she had gone because it hadn’t been just another party, just another dance, and there certainly wouldn’t be another one like it for as long as she lived.

[vampire--dad]

For the Witcher Writers’ Circle Server prompt bingo! @lovelyeskel

Prompt: Established Relationship

——————

“You’re staring.”

“Can you blame me?”

Jaskier smiles. He wasn’t sure about growing a beard, but since Geralt did for the winter, he thought he might as well. Over the years his hair has slowly become streaked with gray, including his facial hair. He just about fainted when he saw the first one grow through. It only spread from there. Geralt loves it. He never thought the bard could be any more beautiful, yet here he is, his ageless smile framed by brown and silver hair. The hair in the top of his head has grown as well, now brushing against his jawline. Geralt can’t help but run his fingers through it whenever he gets the chance. It’s as thick and soft as ever.

“Flattery will get you nowhere, mister,” Jaskier says, setting aside his lute and delicately placing himself across Geralt’s lap. The witcher’s arms slide around his waist and pull him close. “You still owe me ten ducats for throwing that snowball at Eskel’s backside because you didn’t have the balls to start the fight.”

“Mmm. What’s mine is yours… or some shit like that...”

Jaskier laughs as Geralt peppers his cheeks and lips with kisses.

“I’m sorry to tell you, dear heart, that’s not how it works,” Jaskier chuckles.

“What are you going to spend it on anyway? It’s the middle of winter.”

“I happen to be saving up for new lute strings.”

“I’ll buy you new lute strings.”

“Is that an excuse to get out of paying me?”

“No.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Geralt.”

They chuckle and share a slow kiss. Ciri feigns gagging as she witnesses them over Eskel’s shoulder. Her uncle laughs and scratches his head, wondering when this girl got so good at gwent.

Lambert sees it too. He hates to admit that seeing his brother happy with Jaskier stings. He once had someone like that. Once. And he slipped right through his fingers. He should never have let Aiden go on that contract in Ellander alone. He should have gone with him. Maybe they could have fought off Karadin and his assassins together. But there’s no use in reminiscing. He and Geralt saw to it personally that Aiden was avenged. Perhaps killing Karadin was cold, but he couldn’t let the man go on after what he had done. Philanthropy means fuck all when your past is covered in blood. You don’t get to walk away from that. Or at least that’s what Lambert tells himself.

The doors to the keep burst open, groaning loudly enough for them all to hear. All eyes shoot up to the hall that leads to the entrance. Several of them reach for swords as the wind howls inside. Vesemir goes first, scowling at the hallway as he approaches it. Eskel and Ciri are the next to stand, Ciri holding a blade as they walk towards the hall. Not just anything can open those doors when they’re bolted shut. Geralt shifts Jaskier off of his lap with a frown and joins Lambert as they disappear down the hall together. Jaskier is left in the common room by the fire, knowing he won’t be much help.

A man covered in snow leans against the open door, shivering and clearly too weak to stand on his own. Short, sandy brown hair hangs damply from his head. Vesemir grips him by the collar and tosses him against the stone wall as Geralt and Eskel struggle to close the doors against the wind. Ciri props the man’s chin up with the tip of her blade, revealing a pale, scarred face, a weak toothy grin, and a pair of familiar yellow eyes— one, at least. The other is covered by a thick leather eyepatch.

“Alright, sweetheart, lay off. I don’t mean any trouble,” the witcher chuckles, holding his hands up in surrender.

Lambert stands frozen in the hallway, staring at the man, but at the sound of his voice, his heart almost stops beating. It can’t be. It’s not possible. Before any more can be said, he forces himself between Ciri and Vesemir, shoving his father and niece out of the way, and stands before the man with tears gathering in his eyes. He knows that voice, that smile, that beautiful man he tortured himself for ever letting go on his own.

“Aiden…?”

“Here he is, the man of the hour,” Aiden laughs weakly. “I was just looking for you, wolf—”

Whatever shitty joke Aiden had planned for him is cut off. Lambert throws his arms around Aiden and squeezes him tight, trying to reassure himself that this is real. He is real. Aiden is alive. His arms are wrapped around Lambert’s middle and his head tucked into the crook of his neck just the way he used to. He grabs Aiden’s face and plants a bruising kiss on his lips as the others watch in bewilderment. He barely even notices they’re there. Aiden’s lips are ice cold and just as sweet as he remembers. A tear slides down his cheek as he squeezes his eyes shut. Ciri doesn’t think she’s ever seen her uncle cry. He pulls away with a relieved laugh.

“You asshole, I thought you were dead,” Lambert breathes, brushing Aiden’s wet hair from his eyes. He pulls Lambert closer in desperate search of any warmth he can cling to.

“Please, takes more than a measly little crossbow to rid you of me, wolf,” Aiden says affectionately, gently wiping a tear from Lambert’s cheek. “Now can we please talk about this somewhere warmer? I just about froze my ass off getting here.”

Without a second thought, Lambert lifts Aiden from his feet and carries him to the common room to sit by the fire. The other four witchers stand about, looking from person to person in confusion. Geralt smiles knowingly.

“So that’s why he killed Karadin,” he mumbles. “He thought he had lost the man he loves.”

“You seem to know what’s going on,” Ciri says with her hands on her hips. “Mind filling us in?”

Geralt explains their story as he remembers from Lambert. Vesemir and Eskel glance down the hall with reproach at the mention of a cat witcher. Geralt gives them a look of warning. He remembers feeling the same reproach, but he won’t judge the man if Lambert, of all people, loves him.

“I know the reputation that the School of the Cat has made for itself, but this is Lambert. He doesn’t trust easily, we all know that. If he can trust this one enough to let him get that close to him, perhaps we need to trust his judgment.”

Eskel and Ciri nod slowly. Vesemir doesn’t, but Geralt knows better than to push it. They return to the common room where Aiden is wrapped in a blanket before the fire with Lambert by his side. Jaskier has run off to the kitchen to get him something to eat. He and Lambert talk quietly about the things that had happened to him while he was gone, the wolf staring lovingly at the cat and stroking his hair gently. Eskel’s never seen that look on Lambert’s face. Perhaps Geralt is right. If anyone can break through that rough exterior Lambert keeps up, they deserve their trust.

As the others take their seats nearby the fire again, Lambert sits up a little straighter and introduces everyone. His arm is wrapped tightly around Aiden’s shoulders.

“These are my brothers, Geralt and Eskel, Geralt’s daughter, Ciri, and Jaskier is Geralt’s husband.”

“Daughter?” Aiden asks, cocking an eyebrow at Ciri. “Witchers can’t have children. What kind of chaos did you have to meddle in to end up with one?”

“It’s a long story,” Ciri and Geralt say in unison.

Aiden had always known he was going to end up at Kaer Morhen with Lambert’s family. He could never tell if he looked forward to it or dreaded it. The School of the Cat has a reputation and he knows the wolves will hold him to it until he can prove otherwise. He nods slowly and turns back to Lambert.

“And what about the old bastard— where’s he gone off to? What about him?” Aiden asks.

“That’s Vesemir. Our... mentor.”

Vesemir has retired to his room without a word. Lambert is almost relieved. If anyone is going to give Aiden a hard time, it’s him. Lambert was never one to refer to Vesemir as their father. Geralt and Eskel do, when he’s not around, but he can’t. The man might have taught him everything he knows, but he’s not his father. His parents are long dead. Aiden nods slowly.

“I remember you telling me about him.”

Jaskier returns and hands Aiden a bowl of stew. He smiles gratefully at him, noticing at last that he is the only one who doesn’t have yellow eyes, the only non-witcher in the room. He quirks his head slightly at him.

“It’s not common to find a human in a witcher’s keep, let alone married to one,” he says. His voice constantly carries a tone of mischief. “How did that happen?”

Jaskier chuckles as he sits next to Geralt and slips an arm around him. He sees why Lambert would like this one. He’s got that same snarky sense of humour.

“Many, many years of following him around and trying to keep him alive until he realised I wasn’t so bad for a bard,” he teases, gazing at Geralt lovingly. The witcher chuckles and kisses the bard’s cheek.

“More like many, many years of annoying me until I realised there was no getting rid of you,” he says with an amused smile. Jaskier laughs softly and shakes his head. They could save the flirting for later.

“Enough of that, you old brute. Aiden, how did you get to Kaer Morhen in the middle of winter? It’s bad enough to travel in winter in general, but up here in the mountains…”

Aiden shrugs as he shovels stew into his mouth. It’s been weeks since he’s had something proper to eat.

“The mages that found me had planned on keeping me until spring. I had other ideas. One of ��em found me pretty enough to help me sneak out with a few of their warming potions and some extra cloaks,” he says with a smug grin. Lambert’s hold around his shoulders tightens possessively. Aiden rolls his eyes.

“Don’t worry, wolf,” he teases. “Nothing happened. I was busy sneaking out to get back to you. Couldn’t let you go without me for too long.”

“Just making sure,” Lambert mutters.

Lambert lays on his side, propped up on his elbow, watching as Aiden strips himself of his sodden clothes before the fire. As long as it has been, neither of them want anything. They just want to spend the night in each other's arms as they used to after a hunt.

“That scar is new,” he observes. He knows all of Aiden’s scars like they’re his own. Aiden glances down at the thick pink line that creeps across his ribs and down his back.

“Oh, right. Cockatrice. Little fucker caught me off guard,” Aiden says indifferently, slipping under the covers with Lambert. His skin is cooler than usual. Lambert runs his fingers along the scar as if he’s committing it to memory along with the others.

“If that’s the case, you deserved it,” he teases, kissing along Aiden’s jaw with a smirk. “Should never have had your guard down.”

“I’d just lost an eye, wolf,” Aiden chuckles.

“Shame, too. You’ve got the prettiest eyes…”

“Lambert…”

The wolf sighs with content as he pulls Aiden into the circle of his arms and presses a soft kiss on a scar on his shoulder. It’s his favourite, that scar. The one he gave him when Aiden decided to introduce himself by trying to kill him. His hands roam down Aiden’s back, fingers brushing over old bumps and ridges from past battles. It’s soothing, for both of them. He still can’t quite believe that Aiden is here, he’s alive. He might just go visit those mages and see if he can return the favour once winter passes.

“I’ve missed you, kitten.”

Aiden smiles softly. He loves when Lambert calls him kitten. There were times he thought he’d never hear it again.

“I missed you too, pup.”

[nukyster-blog]

CC Chapter 33) Of Mice And Men

.-.-.

Out of troubles and pain will emerge strength and triumph, that was what kept Ivar from devolving back into the Bloody Bear of Kattegat. The Giant hadn’t bothered to unshackle him due to his poor state and a few days had passed, of which he’d spent mostly in solitude. Stubborn solitude, because Piglet did her best to strike up a conversation: 

“Ivar I’m-” Piglet started, but Ivar cut her off.

“Do not say you’re sorry. You despised her!” Ivar snapped, rediscovering his voice and his temper, “you hated her!” 

Piglet pursed her lips and kept them firmly shut, the look upon his face frightened her. She must have noticed the change within him, too. The Djinn or Wrath had been pushing him to his limits. His physical limits, too, because every damn day that he was shackled like an animal, Ivar used to regain his strength. Carrying his lower body across his box, over and over. There was something empowering about those repetitive actions; it was mind over body, because his body ached due to the recent beating. 

“I want more food,” Ivar demanded after the Giant locked the door for the night.

“I want golden slippers and a dress made of silk,” Piglet answered matter-of-factly, while knitting a new scarf, “but we don’t get what we want.” 

Her reaction made Ivar shut his mouth for the rest of the evening, deciding he needed to lower his standards in order to regain more strength and muscle. He’d never been a very picky eater and desperate times called for desperate measures. 

After dusk settled and Piglet curled up beside him, Ivar kept his eyes open and his knife raised above his head. Uttstot’s interested cawing echoed as Ivar held his breath and pricked up his ears. 

Soft squeaks slowly erupted from the floorboards, during the night it was mice that ruled the shed. Fast, scurrying little bastards; always curious and eager to find crumbs of food. 

Ivar remained motionless, supporting his weight on his elbow, careful not to make a sound. Until a very brave mouse came too close and signed it’s own death warrant.

Ivar’s knife met with flesh; tiny limbs spasmed for the last time. He pulled the mouse off the blade, careful not to tear the small thing up. 

Ivar was used to skinning rabbits; but mice turned out to be a challenge. It required special skill to slice the fur and organs from such a small body. He made a mess and decided that the kill was so meager, he’d also have to eat the organs, too. 

If he had to describe the taste, he’d have to go with quite pungent and gamey. But the taste wasn’t bad enough to make him gag. Besides, Ivar never had any aversion to the taste of blood. 

Tearing meat from a tiny hipbone, Ivar failed to pick up on the sound of keys stealthily twisting into the lock of the shed, before a shadow of a monster lurked inside. 

While chewing on vermin meat, Ivar locked eyes with Ludolf who froze in the doorway. 

Candlelight illuminated his face, which immediately fell when the young ruler lay eyes on the cripple slave. It must be a peculiar sight, seeing another human’s  mouth covered in blood, ripping the bones and intestines from a mouse. 

It was enough for Ludolf to snatch a handkerchief out of his pocket and press it in front of his mouth, muffling a squeamish gag noise.

The disconcerted whimper that followed from those lopsided lips was enough for Ivar’s ego to rise and stand taller than the Giant. 

He ripped off the tiny head of the rodent and held its ear between his thumb and index finger, bringing it in full view.  

“You see this, spineless bastard?” Ivar spoke toneless and wiggled the head before pressing it into the palm of his hand, “if you ever cross Piglet’s line, yours will be next,” and with all the spite he could muster Ivar rammed his fist into his palm.

Blood and specks of gray matter splattered across Ivar’s face, and the absolute disgust coming from Ludolf’s throat was simply music to his ears. 

Ivar held his palm up, so that the young ruler could have a front row seat to the bloody mouse pulp before bringing it to his mouth. 

For the second time Ivar managed to cast Ludolf out of the shed by grossing him out. Stumbling over his own legs Ludolf fled their shed. As the keys locked the door, Ivar wiped the crushed skull and brains off on the hay covered floor and held his breath. 

Piglet’s calm nasal weeze indicated that the young woman slept through the whole scene. 

“Not to be all sanctimonious, dear Piglet,” Ivar whispered to the sleeping form of his companion, “but you don’t know the half of what an incredible safe keeper I am to you.”

.-.-.

Piglet woke up with a lot of dramatic noise and gestures. Stretching her arms, cracking her neck, and exhaling a deep yawn. Ivar rolled his eyes at her, arms tucked behind his head and still wide awake. During the hours traveling towards morning he’d decided not to tell Piglet about Ludolf’s nightly visit. What good would it do? None at all, and it would be nice if at least one of them had a proper sleep during the night. 

All were wrapped in silence; Piglet was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes, Utstott hadn’t made a peep ever since Ludolf pressed the keys into the lock. That feathered creature was a lousy guard dog. 

And Ivar was simply brooding, inwardly declaring war on the entire world. 

Piglet eventually broke the silence: “What happened to your face?” she asked and bobbed her index finger against his cheek. 

Realising his face was still covered with specks of mouse splatter, Ivar dully rubbed the back of his hand over his cheek and with a shrug  muttered, “I fell.” 

“Into what, paint?” Piglet retorted, raising an eyebrow, “that’s blood,” she stated and took hold of his chin, “what did you kill?” 

Ivar roughly slapped her hand away, “this does not concern you,” he growled. 

“If the Toothless finds animal carcasses in here it is my concern,” Piglet rapidly bit back, getting into his face again, “what.did.you.kill?” 

It was evident  that Piglet would continue to pester him about his nocturnal massacre until she reached his breaking point and had her front teeth knocked in by his fist. As that would do neither of them any good, Ivar sighed deeply and extremely annoyed.

“Fine,” with one swift move he wiped away hay and plucked four badly scalped mice furs from the dirty floor. Tossing them in front of Piglet’s bare feet, the young woman screeched and shoved herself backwards on hands and feet. 

“W-what did you do with-” 

Ivar cut her off: “-the rest? I ate it dear Piglet, because I am sick of being hungry all the time. And since you refuse to do anything about it, well, let’s say I had to take matters into my own two hands. Bloody hands.” Ivar added, showing his palms.

It wasn’t often Ivar managed to leave Piglet speechless, but his ability to absolutely disgust others knew no limits. He of course learned from the mistress herself. 

“You are eating rats in the middle of the night?” Piglet eventually muttered, forming her disgust into a question.

“Mice,” Ivar corrected her. ‘I scared away a spineless rat though,’ he thought to himself, but kept his lips firmly pressed shut. 

“Mice…” Piglet dully mumbled more to herself then to Ivar, “Hamar, by Allah, he’s eating mice…” 

.-.-.

A/N: I’m sure there are others that share my worst nightmare: people finding out the things you google. For this chapter the worst search was: ‘what do mice taste like?’ Interesting fact, apparently there are many ways you can eat mice. Another fun fact about this chapter, I wrote it while eating a jelly doughnut, which about halfway through turned out to not be the best idea. So yes, our Prince is eating vermin, grossed Ludolf out and saved Piglet’s virtue for another day. I’ve had a bad case of writer's block but I am recovering, so that’s why the length of this chapter is rather short for my books. 

Hopefully next chapter won’t take as long, 

Xoxoxo Nukyster  

The kickass beta: @sarahh-jane The tagged ones: @youbloodymadgenius​ @xbellaxcarolinax @saldelys ​ @shannygoatgruff​ @pieces-by-me​ @apenas-mais-uma-pessoa​ @readsalot73​ @lauraan182 @conaionaru @sarahh-jane @peachyboneless @adhdnightmare If you’d liked to be tagged, please let me know:)

[justimagineitblog]

“You Used To Love Me” Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 11

A/N: Here it is!!! Okay so I do have an apology to make - I’ve had lots of beautiful amazing people asking when this chapter was coming, and although I know it has only been 4 or 5 days since I uploaded Chapter 10, I hate leaving you guys hanging. And I am so blessed to have people enjoy this series enough to ask for it - it’s mind blowing to me! I’m putting a lot of pressure on these final few chapters because I want them to be perfect and end the series right, and so that does mean I kind of get stuck in a weird writers block because I’m so hard on myself! 

But ANYWAYSSS..... here it is.... I hope you all enjoy it... by order of the peaky fookin blinders xxxx

Michael keeps me in his arms all the way until Bill’s body is dragged away and the private family doctor has arrived. His grip never loosens. Never falters.

When the doctor arrives, asking to check me over for concussions and any other injuries from being thrashed around, Michael basically has to tear himself of me.

“You sure you’re okay?” He breathes, holding onto me nervously. The way he holds me is protective, I can practically feel it radiating off him like heat.

“I’m okay, I’m okay” I coo, trying to calm some of the panic that is stubbornly clinging onto him. Bill is gone now. I’m safe. I’m alive. But it’s almost like Michael doesn’t quite believe that. Or maybe he doesn’t believe that I’m in his arms again. And honestly, I don’t blame him. Part of me can’t even tell if I have a concussion or if I’m just in shock from feeling his touch for the first time in a long time.

Reluctantly he slowly lets me out of his grip, helping me into the chair. But even then he still doesn’t let go completely, keeping his hand on my arm.

“Alright let’s take a look” the doctor begins, pulling out a light to check my eye movements.

I feel Michael crouch down beside me, squeezing my arm in reassurance. Though I’m not sure who he is reassuring more - me or himself.

The room is spinning, and I focus my hardest on not falling straight off the chair as the doctor asks me to follow his finger as he waves it in front of my face.

Next to me Michael has begun bouncing his leg impatiently - something he always used to do when he was nervous. I always used to put my hand on his thigh, and it would stop, disappearing under my touch. Slowly, I reach my arm out to him, and put my palm over his knee. Maybe it’s just a reflex now. Something I don’t even think about. My body and brain just know what to do and they do it without even thinking.

I feel his knee steady, slowing all the way to a halt. But underneath my hand I can almost feel the all the pent up, panic ridden energy coursing through him. Like buzzing of electrical wires.

“Well what’s going on? Is she okay?” He demands the doctor, urging him to hurry up.

The doctor hums, giving me a final once over before stepping away from me.

“Not a concussion, nothing serious” he concludes.

Michael lets out a sigh of relief so loud and harsh it almost sounds like a sob.

“But you have been shaken up. A lot” he tells me “You’ve taken quite a beating. You’re going to be sore. You’re going to be coming down of a lot of shock and adrenaline. Do you live with someone Izzy?”

“No, I live alone in my apartment” I rub at my throat, not realising how strained and hoarse it feels to speak. I didn’t realise how hard he had been choking me.

“Well look I think it’s best if someone stays with you tonight, just incase, alright?”

“You can stay with us Izzy-“ Polly begins, but Michael’s voice cuts in urgently as he speaks over the top of her.

“I’ll do it” Michael’s voice cuts in abruptly, and I shoot my head towards him in shock. Unsure if it was from the movement or the fact that he just offered to stay and look after me tonight, but the room starts to spin again.

“No, Michael-” I try to shake my head, to decline his offer, but that only makes the dizziness it worse

“Izzy” he breathes, trying to insist without being too firm with me, sensing that I’m feeling weak “It’s okay, I’ll do it”

He locks his eyes on mine, wide and genuine as he tries to insist that he isn’t going anywhere. That he’s got me. Reassuring me in the way his words can’t. The feeling is bittersweet. That the man who broke my heart into two is here in front of me now desperately trying to mend it. That the man who broke me is in front me now desperately trying to protect me.

“Let’s get you up, see if you can walk” the doctor walks back over to me, holding out his arms to help me up. Michael jumps up immediately, practically pushing the doctor out of the way as he holds his arms out to me to hold onto like railings to steady myself.

I push myself up of the chair, expecting to fall in a heap back onto the floor but much to my relief I stay standing, my body regaining some kind of strength although it is aching and sore.

“There you go” he coos softly at me.

Tommy, Arthur and Michael all help me clamber my stiff and aching body in the car, Michael rushing around to the drivers side to drive me home. We are silent the whole way to my apartment, but every few seconds Michael glances over at me to check I’m still okay.

Getting my my flights of stairs are the next hurdle.

“Alright just hold on me yeah, we’ll go slow” he reassures me.

Taking a deep breath, I cling one hand onto the stairway railing and the other onto his arm. He takes every slow step with me. Never rushing me. Never taking his worried eyes off me the entire time.

“You’re almost there” he encourages me as we make the final steps, getting closer to my apartment door.

“Did the doctor say anything about not being able to drink whiskey?” I mutter through a painful grimace “Cause I think I need one”

“I won’t tell him if you don’t” he chuckles at me.  

“You better not” I smirk back at him.

When we get inside I’m desperate to get out of my stupid tight dress. Every time the goddamn thing rubs against my bruising back and ribs it makes me want to tear the thing clean off.

“Alright I’m here, thank you” I smile at him as he helps me through my apartment and into my bedroom.

“Izzy, you’re getting rid of me”

I sigh. God knows I want to spend every moment with Michael. But I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. I don’t know how I can handle being around him for the night when I know tomorrow he’s going to leave and go back to Gina and life will carry on as normal.

But the look on his face tells me he’s right - I’m not getting rid of him anytime soon.

“Fine” I submit, walking over to my closet as I pull out my nightgown. Expecting him to have taken the signal and left the room, I try to wriggle of my dress but fail. My body feels about as flexible as a plank of wood right now.

“Fuck this fucking dress” I hiss under my breath.

“Let me help you” Michael’s voice interrupts suddenly.

“What, no” I step away from him in shock, my brows furrowed.

He opens his mouth, pausing awkwardly as he realises that he basically just offered to help me change out of my clothes. To see me naked.

“Izzy, it’s okay, I’ve seen you…“ he looks away to the corner of the room as he insinuates that he’s seen me naked before. I feel my skin flushing hotly, as does Michael’s.

“That was… before“ I blush furiously at the thought. All of this is so bizarre to me. So foreign. When we were together, Michael and I used to potter around the house naked in front of one another all the time. He new every inch of my body and I knew his. Now the thought of being naked in front of him makes me feel stripped bare and vulnerable in the worst way possible. I never thought I would ever have to feel that way around him. Never in my wildest dreams or worst nightmares.

I shake my head at him, and he digresses quickly, realising he’s over stepped a mark that he didn’t even mean to. He turns to face the other direction, walking to the other side of the room momentarily to give me privacy while I change.

Or at least while I try to. My back is tender and sore. As I try to pull off my dress and slide on my night gown, every movement sends pains shooting all through my back, neck, ribs and head.

“Fuck” I hiss, unable to hide the fact that I’m in a lot of pain and to be honest, I do need his help.

Hearing me struggle, cursing in pain, I feel Michael rush over to me.

“Izzy, here just let me help alright” he holds my shoulders.

I sigh. I know I need it. I know I need his help.

“Look” he begins “I’ll shut my eyes okay”

I roll my eyes, my head falling back “Michael don’t be stupid-“

“I’m serious” he insists, suddenly squeezing his eyes shut “See”

I stare up at him. He really is serious. Most men wouldn’t even bother. But he does. He doesn’t want to see me naked. He just wants to help. Maybe make up for all the damage he’s done in whatever small way he can.

When I don’t protest, I feel his hands reach for my dress. With his eyes still clamped shut, proving that he can’t see anything, he begins to slide the fabric up over my body. If my heart wasn’t completely racing and pounding in my chest itself, I could have sworn that I felt his hands shaking. Every inch that the fabric glides up my body is painfully slow as it exposes my naked skin. The only thing to be heard in the room is our shaky breaths brushing on one another faces. Mine begins to quicken as the reality of the fact that Michael is here in my bedroom, undressing me, begins to set in. His hands are so close to my skin but they never fully touch, and I can feel that buzzing energy radiating off of him once again. I’m sure he can feel it radiating of me too. Michael lifts the dress up over my head and raised arms, leaving me completely naked. The tension is thick and heavy, weighing down on us like wading through water.

He drops it to the floor, and I watch him wearily as I pick up my night gown and hand it to him. I wait for him to open his eyes. But he never does. He keeps them closed firmly. He takes the nightgown, holding it open for me to step in to.

I hold onto his shoulders, steadying myself as I step inside the fabric, one leg at a time.

“How you going down there?” He asks, a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Surviving” I reply, unable to stop myself from giggling nervously as the tension has made me giddy. He returns the gesture with his own little laugh. It feels like we’re two stupid teenagers who are undressing each other for the first time.

Once I’m in the nightgown, he slides the straps up over my arms, the skin of his palm accidentally brushing against me. I feel myself twitch beneath the feeling of his bare skin on mine, like an electric shock.

I exhale in relief once I realise that I’m fully dressed again.

“You can open them now” I coo as we stand only inches away from each other.

When those Tenerife blue eyes open into mine, his eye lashes fluttering until they’re peering at me fully, my heart skips so many beats in a row I’m surprised I don’t pass out right there. I haven’t look into his eyes this close in a long time. I haven’t been this close to him in general in a long time. We stay dead silent, words would never do justice for what is circulating between us right now, so we just search for the answers in each others eyes instead. The only thing that draws me away from his gaze is when I notice his freckles. I wonder what he’s noticing about my face. What he missed the most. If he missed anything at all. Is he counting the smile lines around my eyes. Around my mouth. Does he know that he put most of them there? Is he fascinated with the flush of my cheeks the same way I’m fascinated by his freckles? They’re my favourite part. I used to count them. Trace them with my finger tips while he fell asleep. Kiss them. I loved the way they looked when his nose was crinkled up in a laugh. But that’s the reality isn’t. The slap in the face. They were my favourite part. They’re not mine anymore.

With that abrupt, heart crushing thought I am brought back to my surroundings. When I step away from him, he blinks rapidly a few times, almost like he was pulled out of a trance that he wasn’t ready to leave yet. But he follows my lead, backing away from me too.

“Did you uh- Did you want to go to sleep? I’ll let you get to sleep…” He stutters sheepishly, fumbling for anything to fill the space and silence.

“I don’t think I could sleep if I wanted to” I shake my head. Sure, I could get into bed. And lie awake, staring at the ceiling for hours.

“Yeah, me too” he sighs, burying his hands into his pockets. I’ll never get used to seeing him shy like this. We were never awkward around each other. From day one he was my safe person and I was his. Now we’re just a pair of stuttering balls of anxiety with enough tension buzzing between us to cut with a knife.

“Did you want something to drink, or eat?” I offer, thinking about how he must be starving. It’s almost midnight.

“No, no” he declines politely “I’ll just go listen to the radio, leave you be, just shout if you need anything”

“Michael” I shake my head “You’re here looking after me, neither of us are gonna sleep, let me at least keep you company”

His eyes light up a little, as he nods.

Making our way to the lounge room, we both settle into the couch. Of course, he picks one side and I pick the opposite. Quite a stark comparison to the days when we used to fall asleep on this couch together. Read together. Make love together on the goddamn thing when we couldn’t wait to get to the bedroom.

I want to speak to him. But I can’t. Not for lack of words to say, but for the fact that there are way to many to even know where to begin. I can’t ask him about the weather. About work. Maybe we can’t talk about what went wrong, what happened when he left for America, but we would be fools if we tried to make meaningless small talk.

Because as I sit across from him, both of us just watching one another, I can’t stop myself from flashing back to all the things we did in this apartment. Dancing around the dining table to the radio. Cooking in the kitchen which always ended up in kissing instead. Fighting sometimes. Before making up in my bedroom. Reading the paper and drinking coffee. Crying together. Laughing together. This apartment is like a time capsule. If you listen close enough, you can almost hear echoes of us and how we used to be. Like our ghosts are still here, and still in love. Now we’re just two strangers.

So silence it is.

I wonder what he’s thinking too. When he looks at me. Does he see me now, or the old girl he used to love? Does he see me as the girl whose heart he broke? Am I the one that got away?

“How you feeling?” He asks. Maybe he mis took the look on my face for physical pain, and not emotional. But the pain my body is feeling is nothing compared to the aching in my chest coming straight from my heart.

“Ten out of ten” I retort sarcastically, earning a concerned frown from him.

“Izzy, I’m serious”

“I’m okay” I promise him “It’s not that bad anymore”

“Okay because if any thing changes I’ll call the doctor right away, you just say” his voice is dripping with stress.

“Michael, I’m fine”

“Okay, okay!” He throws his hands up, accepting defeat. I little smirk falls over his face as I watch an idea pop into his head.

“Do you know what day of the week it is?” He asks with a light chuckle.

“Are you serious?” I laugh, throwing my head back.

“Appease me” he grins.

In all our laughter we seem to have moved closer together on the lounge, and now we’re practically right next to each other. Both of us are laughing. Not even because anything is that funny, but we’re both delirious. Exhausted. Stressed. Overwhelmed. As I watch him chuckle, it occurs to me that this is the first time we have been like this together in a very, very long time. And it feels nice. Too nice. It feels safe. Comfortable. It feels like exactly how its supposed to be. Me and him laughing in my apartment.

“Saturday” I appease him, finally giving in as I looking over at the calendar “Saturday the 15th of May”

The second the words leave my mouth I feel my heart lurch. His head shoots over towards the calendar, to confirm what I just said. I watch as his heart drops too.

The 15th of May.

Today is supposed to be our goddamn anniversary.

Fuck. I hadn’t even had time to check the calendar or realise what today is between all the chaos.

Today is 5 years since we first met. And look at where we are. Broken up. Michael is married to another woman. I’m dating another man. We barely speak. I barely know who he even is anymore. We are virtual strangers.

“Michael” is the only thing I manage to squeak out, wide eyed and breathing anxiously.

He stares back at me, swallowing hard like he’s about to do something that he can’t hold himself back from anymore.

When he lunges forward, closing in the space between us, it feels like breaking through a force field that has been holding us back for so long. Like the universe and all its gravity finally gave way, the tension snapping like a rope. But when his lips collide with mine, that is the final snap. Something in the entire room shifts. It suddenly feels like my whole life has been moving in slow motion, like I’ve been sleep walking, and the second I feel his lips on mine I’m brought back to life.

Like every single moment up until this one has been black and white. Silent. Like the moment right before two stars collide and everything goes still. But once they finally meet, everything is in ultraviolet. Bursting into the atmosphere with an explosion that blinds you. Everything feels electric. So much so that it almost hurts. I hadn’t realised how badly my lips craved his until now. It steals my breath, whisking it so far away I don’t think I’ll ever get it back again.

He hands are on my face and in my hair, holding me firmly like he can’t control himself. Now that the flood gates have opened, and every inch of emotion in his body is pouring out, he can’t close them again. And either can I. I kiss him back, pushing my lips against his as my hands desperately find their way to his face. Michael and I have been at a grid lock. Stuck in tandem, free falling forever since he returned. Un able to figure each other out. But right now, we don’t even have to try. Our bodies to the work. They know exactly what to do like no time has passed at all.

My lips follow his rhythm perfectly, even though his kisses are rough and desperate. I don’t know if it’s the pounding of my own heart or his that I can hear as we cling to each other. Grabbing onto whatever clothing and body parts we can to bring ourselves as suffocatingly close as possible.

His hands travel from my face, gliding down my sides until they find their place, gripping and pulling at my waist. The way his fingers dig into my skin just rough enough but not enough to hurt me causes moans to tumble out of my mouth. I feel him hum against my lips as his own inability to swallow his own moans takes over.

I don’t think about anything but this taste. The way his tongue dances with mine. I’m so caught up in every inch of him. I have been starved of him for what feels like a life time. Our kiss never breaks, his lips continuing to ravage mine. I almost feel drunk. Intoxicated by his smell, he feel, his touch, his taste. I’m complete liquid in his hands. Every thing else fades away. I just want to be his. In his arms.

Each kiss is more desperate than the last, his body pressed up and pushing against mine until he accidentally presses me roughly against the arm of the couch. My breath hitches as a jolt of pain shoots through my already tender back. As I inhale harshly, our kiss breaks, our lips finally tearing away from each others. It also tears us out of our moment and back into reality.

As the pain in my back subsides quickly, it doesn’t take long for me to realise what we’ve just done. We quickly pull back from one another, almost scrambling away as shock shoots both of our eyes wide open. I clamp my hand over my mouth as we both pant, trying to catch our breaths and comprehend what the hell just happened.

Oh my god what did we just do.

Michael’s chest rises and falls heavily, as does mine, and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.

“Oh my god” I whisper as we slide even further away from each other until we are on opposite ends of the couch.

It must dawn on him what has just happened all at once as his head falls in his hands, complete despair cloaking him.

“We can’t… we can’t do this” I stutter, shaking my head frantically. I quickly pull myself up from the lounge backing away from him until I’m virtually on the other side of the room. I feel sick.

Michael is married. I have Charlie. We can’t…

“Fuck” he curses loudly, running his hands through his hair as he tries to pull himself together. Standing up from the lounge he paces back and forth.

He just cheated on his wife. I just cheated on my boyfriend.

He stops pacing, and we stand across the room from each other, still trying to wrap our brains around if that actually happened.

“I’m so sorry” he shudders, his chest heaving. I can see the tears welling in his eyes from here, and it automatically triggers the same response in me.

I want to run over to him. I kiss him again. Feel his hands on me again. Our bodies intertwined. But we can’t do it. We are not those people anymore.

“You have to go” I tell him in a voice that is barely louder than a whisper. And that’s when the tears start. Spilling over onto my cheeks and dripping down off my chin.

Seeing me break down, he tries to rush over to me. To comfort me. That’s his automatic reaction to seeing my distressed. But he catches himself, pausing in his tracks. We both know what will happen if he comes over here. I can’t control myself. And either can he. We will only end up in my bed down the hall way, making an even bigger mess. He takes a shaky step away from me.

“You have to go home Michael” I beg him to stay back “Please”

“I’m so sorry Izzy” his voice cracks, breaking in two just like my heart. And from what I can see by the look on his face and the tears tumbling down his cheeks, his heart has broken into two as well.

And in the blink of an eye he hurries out the door, and he’s gone. 

TAGLIST

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[blissedoutphil]

Dan the Personal Assistant Part 10

Dan has to submit an application video to be an assistant for a company President, Mr. Lester. But what happens when he accidentally sends a wrong video?

4209 words of Dom!Phil, sub!dan, blowjob, riding, bath sex

I really meant to be more productive with writing in lockdown but all I got was writer’s block and suddenly 2 months have passed?? sigh. Finally the new chapter’s here after rewriting it countless times omg I’m just as happy as you are.

~Part 9~

~Part 11~

or read on ao3!

Since then, they started having sex more often, until it became something normal for them. Natural even. Dan still initiated more than Phil, and he understood whenever Phil had to turn him down to actually do work.

Dan dared to feel happy. He was content with this arrangement, even if he was technically still just a personal whore. It was definitely better than when Phil was adamant about having a fine line drawn between them. Nothing wrong had happened yet, which Dan was relieved about and he was confident that nothing bad could happen with this arrangement. Phil had probably been paranoid about nothing.

It went on for weeks, but Dan never got bored or tired of being pounded by Phil on any random surface in the office, quick fucks that were rough and hard and left him feeling like his insides were rearranged. He loved even more the lesser moments where Phil would go sweet and slow, take care of him in a way that he can pretend that they’re more than just in a “professional” relationship. But he was careful not to dwell too much and let his mind overthink any of Phil’s actions, especially the ones that seemed more loving than usual. Repress those feelings and all will go well.

But no matter what Dan told himself, of course he still felt like there was something missing. He started longing for more. Leaving the office to an empty home always felt lonely, falling asleep alone in bed wasn’t as good as falling asleep in the office with Phil tucking him into the couch. He actually felt sad whenever work ended and looked forward to weekdays instead of weekends, which would’ve sounded crazy to him just a year ago.

He knew one way to stop feeling lonely on Sundays; the idea had always been on the back of his mind. He’d been resilient enough not to follow through though as he felt like it wasn’t a good idea. But one particular weekend felt rough, and even though he knew he was going to meet his boss the next day, he felt like he really couldn’t go through that Sunday without him.

So against better judgement, he found himself standing outside the snug coffee shop. He could already see Phil at his usual corner busy with his laptop, from peering into the window.

What are you trying to do, Dan? he sighed.

But his feet dragged him into the shop anyway. He pretended that he really was there for another coffee, after all it was always a place he had wished to frequent before he had the means to do so.

He ordered the caramel macchiato again, and intentionally walked near Phil’s table.

“Oh, hey boss,” he said as he bumped into the empty chair at Phil’s table, feigning surprise.

“Dan!” Phil was certainly caught off guard to see his boy there.

“Working again?” Dan tried to make small talk, stalling his time there without seeming too obvious or desperate to stay.

“Yeah. Caramel macchiato again?” Phil chuckled.

“Yeah.”

There was a beat of silence, with Dan wanting to ask if he could stay but not sure how to.

“You can join me if you’d like, no need to be shy y’know,” Phil smiled knowingly.

Dan didn’t know if he liked or hated how readable he was, but he accepted the offer. It was like Phil knew just how bad he needed to see him today. And maybe Phil wanted to see him just as much too, he mused.

“You should try their latte next time,” Phil suggested.

--------

So there was a next time. And a next time after that. And as weeks passed, Dan found himself falling into yet another routine. Throwing caution to the wind, he always ended up at the cafe, staring into the window for about ten minutes debating in his head whether it’d be a good idea before eventually giving in and going in anyway. Phil never seemed to mind, he seemed excited almost whenever Dan appeared. And Dan only took that as a sign to return again the next week.

Dan was still going through the menu as recommended by Phil. He took his cup of cold brew and headed to his seat. He didn’t really know what time Phil always arrived, he didn’t even ask beforehand if Phil would be coming or if he could spend the day with him, he just shows up. Looking back, it was funny how he used to be worried if Phil would want him there or not, now he just knew without Phil needing to say anything.

He never followed Phil home for dinner again like the first time, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t want to overstay his welcome. They were both content to spend their Sunday afternoons in companionable silence and do nothing more that could potentially disrupt their current arrangement. Or perhaps neither of them dared to take the next step. But they seemed comfortable for now.

That was until.

“Dan.”

Dan looked up from his cup.

“I have to go on a business trip on Tuesday.”

“Oh,” Dan said, not really sure how to answer.

“Yeah, it’s quite a last minute thing. The new partner needed me over at their headquarters. I’ll be gone for a week.”

Hearing that made Dan already start to miss Phil, which didn’t make sense since he was still sitting right in front of him.

“Where you headed to?”

“New York.”

“So... I won’t be going to work next week?”

“Oh don’t think you’re off the hook from work that easily,” Phil said cheekily, and Dan quirked his eyebrow in curiosity. Was he supposed to serve the other staff in the office or something?

“You’re coming with me, mister.”

Dan gaped, “Really?”

“Unless you don’t want to,” Phil shrugged nonchalantly.

“You’re letting me choose?” Dan asked, still somewhat in shock.

“Of course, why would I force you into things,” Phil looked a little offended.

“I mean- I’m just. I’ve never even been out of the UK, why would I choose to stay here?!”

Phil laughed, the corners of his eyes scrunching up in the way that was downright adorable.

“I gotta warn you, some of the other staff would also be there. I’ll arrange a different flight for us, we can get there before the rest. You might have to hide in the hotel room like you do in our office if you don’t wanna see them.”

Dan was fine with that, he still would rather not cross paths with anyone else in the office. Over time, Dan realised that Phil had become more possessive over him and felt the same way too. Unlike Phil’s previous assistant, Dan did not want to get acquainted with anyone else, and Phil did not have any interest in sharing anymore either.

Dan couldn’t stop grinning the rest of the day. What is his life.

-------

The flight was long but comfortable as Phil had booked them business seats, and Dan spent a lot of time like a little child looking out the aeroplane window in amazement.

He squashed all thoughts about how this could be anything more than a business trip with his boss. Who most probably brought him along just for the sexual relief. But when Phil slept with his head leaned on his shoulder, he couldn’t help but entertain thoughts about how maybe Phil wanted more than that too.

They settled into their hotel room quickly, both tired from the long flight. Phil didn’t skimp on the room either, getting one on a high floor overlooking Central Park, with a living room in the suite. Dan thought it was too much for a week’s stay, he’d be fine lounging on the king sized bed all day, but Phil insisted to have a room as comfortable as possible for Dan while he’d be out working.

Dan was feeling like he was harbouring on being a sugar baby, but he didn’t voice that out. He’d planned on giving Phil a blowjob or something as a form of thanks for this trip, but they were both so tired that they fell asleep instead.

------

Dan woke up a couple of hours later, stretching out his long limbs. He’d never slept in such a comfortable bed before. He froze when his foot brushed against another, then he turned to see that Phil was asleep next to him. His heart pounded a bit faster, realising that this was the first time they’d slept together. They’d been too tired to even think properly, they’d even fallen asleep without changing or at least washing up a little.

He quietly got out of bed and to the bathroom to have a quick shower. The bathroom was lavish, with an inviting tub that he couldn’t wait to use. When he was done, he walked out to see that Phil was already up and waiting his turn to use the shower.

Dan was quite surprised at how comfortable it all felt. He didn’t feel awkward at all sharing the room with his boss, but he guessed that it was probably because he’d spent so long sharing the office room with him anyway. He found it funny almost; the man who was so adamant in setting up boundaries between them months ago was almost gone.

He explored the room a bit more properly now that he wasn’t tired. The first thing he realised was that there was only one bed. He didn’t know if it was excitement or nerves that he felt as he thought about sharing the bed with Phil for a week. And did Phil get a room with just one bed on purpose?

“Had a good rest?” Phil asked as he stepped out of the shower.

“Mhmm,” Dan smiled from where he was knelt unpacking his luggage. Not that he brought many clothes, if the rules in office were to apply here as well. Already he was just in his boxers, feeling comfortable enough.

It was already dark out, but jetlag caused them both to be wide awake. Phil made a quick order for room service, and they both lounged in the living room sofa in front of the tv while waiting for their food.

Except Dan had no intention of watching tv.

“Thank you for bringing me along on this trip, Sir,” he said, voice sultry.

He slid off the sofa and sank to his knees between Phil’s legs, not caring about subtleties.

Phil chuckled and spread his legs, “I mean I gotta admit it was for selfish reasons but I guess it is a win-win.”

Dan’s fingers traced along the waistline of Phil’s sweatpants, which Dan thought he looked absolutely hot in, even when compared to the usual business attire he was used to seeing his boss in. There was a dent forming in Phil’s pants where it was obvious he was growing hard already. He tugged Phil’s pants down, surprised to find that Phil was going commando.

He got Phil’s cock in his mouth in no time. They’d done this enough times that it felt like second nature to Dan already. He was so used to the feel of Phil in his mouth, the taste of him and his scent flooding his nose. He was used to the sounds Phil makes, knowing what each meant for Phil. He prided himself in his job, no matter how unusual it may be to outsiders.

He was so used to it that it didn’t even feel like a job anymore.

Phil’s hand had snaked through his curls, tugging gently as a sign for him to speed up. He hollowed his cheeks as he sucked on Phil’s cock, moving off only to suck on his balls before moving back to get Phil’s whole length in his mouth.

Phil moaned. He was so glad that Dan agreed to follow him on this trip. He was certain that he’d have a lot of pent up energy, not to mention feeling lonely, if he was here alone and away from Dan for a whole week.

He canted his hips up a little, pushing himself into Dan more. It was a quickie, a little sloppy but he could feel and see how much Dan was putting himself into it. He loves that about Dan, he never half-asses the things he does. He always made sure to put in extra effort to give him pleasure, and Phil appreciated that.

Phil held Dan’s head in place as he felt himself getting closer, even though he knew Dan wouldn’t move away anyway. Soon, he was coming in Dan’s mouth, shivering in pleasure as he felt Dan swallow around him.

He looked down to see Dan finally pop off his dick, lips swollen red and pupils dilated. He could see that Dan was also aroused, his own boxers looking way too tight now.

Just as he was about to suggest returning the favour, their doorbell rang. Dan scrambled to get up while Phil did so too. Phil quickly redressed and went to the door, letting room service in.

“Well I was about to get you off too but... now that the food is here, let’s dig in first,” Phil smirked, trying not to laugh at Dan's adorable pout.

Dan stifled a grumble as he tried to eat while still horny. At least the denial reminded him that nothing’s really changed except their location.

-----------

Phil was even busier with work than usual, leaving their room really early the next day and fighting off his jetlag to attend countless meetings throughout the day. He even had to attend a business dinner with his partners and staff, and felt guilty for leaving Dan all alone til the late hours of the night.

Of course he didn’t confine Dan to their room like Rapunzel’s stepmom. As he unlocked their door and stepped inside after a long day, he found that he was rather looking forward to hearing about Dan’s day than anything else Dan could do with his mouth.

Dan had had a really relaxing day, having gone for a swim in the hotel pool before heading out to explore Central Park.

“I found a cafe that might possibly be better than our coffee shop back home,” Dan was gleaming as he told Phil about his day.

“No way,” Phil said in mock offence, “you dare say that our cafe is defeated?”

Dan giggled, nodding his head.

“Well you’d better bring me there on my off day. I won’t believe it til I see it for myself, boy. If I even get an off day, that is,” Phil sighed, feeling tired.

It was already past 1am, and he had another early start tomorrow. Business trips aren’t as fun as people make them out to be, and he was so glad that he had company this time.

-------

The next few days went by the same, with Phil leaving early and coming back late to listen to Dan’s day before hitting the sack. Dan felt bad for not doing what he was there to do, but Phil seemed way too busy to even think about sex. One night, he was still writing emails past midnight, and had even told Dan to go to bed first.

On Saturday, Dan came back earlier after doing a bit of shopping. Phil still had meetings to attend, but he’d said that he was able to finish work before dinner.

So Dan had a plan to help his boss relax after a tiring few days. He’d bought some bath bombs and scented candles on his shopping spree. He lit candles all around the room, and prepared a bath.

Phil opened the door and was immediately greeted with a soothing scent. The curtains were drawn, blocking out the sunset glow and leaving the room to be lit only by the several scented candles scattered around.

He could feel tension slowly leave his shoulders as he walked further into the room. He found Dan on their bed, in nothing but a bathrobe.

“What’s all this?” he asked softly, a smile tugging at his lips.

After Dan set up everything, he was afraid that it all looked a tad too romantic and his boss might get the wrong idea. But his worries melted away as Phil stood before him looking really appreciative of his work.

“My job is to help you relax, isn’t it, Sir?” Dan said as he stood up and closed the space between them, “and I’ve been quite shit at that recently. Gotta make up for it somehow.”

“Nonsense, Dan,” Phil argued, his hands landing on Dan’s waist, “you help me relax every night with stories of your day. But this sure is a treat.”

Phil leaned in and kissed Dan, feeling Dan practically melt into his touch. Dan broke the kiss sooner than Phil would’ve liked to, to loosen Phil’s tie. Once the tie was off, he tugged at Phil’s blazer til it was off too.

“I’ve drawn a bath for you, Sir,” Dan murmured as he unbuttoned Phil’s shirt.

“I like the sound of that,” Phil replied as he was practically pushed towards the bathroom.

The lavender aroma hit Phil the moment he opened the bathroom door. He turned around when he realised Dan had stepped back.

“Aren’t you gonna join me?” he raised an eyebrow.

Dan looked like he hadn’t expected that request.

“Oh, I thought you’d like some alone time,” he spoke timidly.

“I’m pretty sure your company would help me relax more,” Phil stated as he walked into the bathroom, not bothering to see if Dan would follow him in.

Because of course Dan would follow him in.

Phil was already stepping into the tub when Dan shut the door behind him. Candles were also scattered around the bathroom, giving a soft glow.

“Tub’s big enough for both of us,” Phil stated, looking at Dan expectantly.

Dan felt nervous suddenly, but in the good way where the butterflies in his tummy were drunk. Was that a good way? He wasn’t sure. He felt Phil practically undress him with his eyes before he even got to shrug his robe off.

“I-I brought wine,” he announced shyly, taking the bottle and glasses that he’d hidden in one of the cabinets.

He poured two glasses for them and placed them at the corner of the tub before quickly slipping in opposite Phil, letting the lavender aroma fill his senses.

“So how was your day?” Phil asked as he took his glass.

Dan relaxed into the tub as he went on about his adventures trying to find the perfect bath bomb, how he got mistaken for being one of the salesperson at Yankee Candle and almost got yelled at by a customer even though they were the one mistaking him for a worker.

Much like the previous days, they both enjoyed just sitting in each other’s company listening to stories about their day. Dan loved how everything was feeling so natural between them.

Phil could feel his stress float away with every sip of wine and every funny anecdote his boy told animatedly. The water was still warm and smelled so calming. He stretched his legs, grazing against Dan’s thighs as he did so.

He didn’t miss the tiny pause from Dan when his foot touched his thigh.

“Thank you for your effort, I appreciate all this,” Phil sighed happily.

Dan smiled, glad that his surprise worked.

“I only have one problem.”

Dan’s smile faded, immediately wracking his brain for all possibilities of what could be wrong.

“You are sat way too far away right now,” Phil stated matter-of-factly.

Dan chuckled, shaking his head slightly in relief. He turned around in the tub carefully to move into Phil’s waiting arms. Phil hummed happily as he pulled Dan closer to him, til Dan’s back was pressed against his chest.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, Dan leaning against Phil and Phil tracing little circles on Dan’s chest and tummy as they let the scented bubbly water soak them. Dan closed his eyes and in this quiet moment, he dared to pretend that they were more than what they really were. It was a dangerous game to play, but he’d found himself playing pretend more and more these days.

Soon, Phil’s mouth found his way to Dan’s damp neck. Dan tilted his head to give him more access. Phil left sloppy open mouthed kisses, tasting soap on his lips. His hands had settled on Dan’s nipples, beginning to tug on them.

Dan whimpered, feeling himself get hard. He rested his hands on Phil’s knees so that he wouldn’t lose control and touch himself.

“I believe I still owe you an orgasm from our first day here,” Phil whispered hotly against Dan’s neck.

Dan had almost forgotten that he still hadn’t gotten relief, but his cock twitched at the reminder. He moaned as Phil bit on his neck and began sucking a hickey.

One hand snaked away from Dan’s nipple and slid further down til it was ghosting around Dan’s hard cock resting against his lower stomach. Dan let out a strangled whine and gripped Phil’s knees harder.

Phil began stroking Dan slowly, touch ever so light, while still playing with Dan’s nipple and decorating his neck with more hickeys. Dan moaned, his head tilting back to rest against Phil’s shoulder. Phil took the opportunity to kiss along Dan’s jaw.

Dan could feel Phil’s erection against his ass.

“H-hold on,” he stuttered, struggling to stop Phil’s ministrations.

Phil stopped, confused, his hand still loosely wrapped around Dan’s dick. Dan held onto the edge of the tub to give himself leverage. He sat up for a moment and reached below to grab Phil’s cock.

Phil moaned at Dan’s touch, and his eyes widened at the realisation of what Dan was about to do. Before he could say anything, Dan had sunk down onto his dick.

“God,” Phil moaned heavily.

Dan began riding him slowly, careful not to move too much lest water spills out of the tub.

“Did you even stretch?” Phil asked.

“Candles and wine and this bath weren’t the only things I prepared,” Dan admitted sheepishly.

“God,” Phil repeated, and regained his grip on Dan’s cock.

Dan was moving too slow for Phil’s liking, so he urged his boy to speed up. His strokes on Dan’s cock matched Dan’s speed, which encouraged Dan to move faster.

Some water eventually did splash out of the tub, but Dan didn’t care anymore. He could feel himself breaking out a sweat despite being in a bath. He clenched around Phil every time Phil squeezed his shaft.

They moved in a rhythm for a bit, the purple water swirling and foam floating around them. Dan could feel his orgasm building up soon enough, and he rocked his hips faster, lifting up with more urgency and sinking onto Phil’s lap harder.

Phil was also jerking him off quicker. His lips were glued to Dan’s neck, his other hand still playing with Dan’s nipples. Dan was overwhelmed with sensations from all over his body, and he loved how Phil could reduce him to a moaning mess just like that.

“Close, Sir,” Dan uttered, hanging his head as he continued riding Phil.

“After me,” Phil grunted and sped up his movement’s on Dan’s throbbing cock.

Water splashed around them as Dan rode Phil with earnest, helping Phil chase his orgasm. Within a few more moments, Dan felt Phil shudder behind him, groaning as he came.

As Dan felt himself get filled with warm fluid, he also finally let go. Phil pumped him throughout his orgasm, and he clenched around Phil as he rode out the aftershocks of his orgasm. When he was finally done coming, he slumped against Phil.

Phil was kissing the bruises he’d formed on Dan’s neck, not bothered to lift Dan off of him.

“Coming underwater feels the same as peeing underwater,” Dan uttered, brain too fuzzy to think before speaking.

He could feel his boss’s laugh vibrate through his body as much as he heard it.

“Up you get,” Phil hit Dan’s ass, “the water’s gross now that you’ve come in it.”

They got out of the tub and drained it, and Phil pulled Dan into the shower to quickly rinse both of them off.

Dan felt about ready to sleep, but they had not eaten, so he called room service for them. They ate on the bed together, making plans for the next day as it was Sunday so Phil had the day off.

After eating, they got comfortable under the blankets, and Dan didn’t want to think about how easily Phil pulled him closer, how easily he snuggled into Phil’s chest, how easily they spooned each other until their breaths evened out and they dozed into peaceful slumber.

Dan didn’t want to think about how easy it was to get used to yet another routine. He did not want to think about how this routine would get snatched away from him once this trip ends, and things at home would feel like a step back. He didn’t want to think about any of it, so for now he just pretended that it will always be this way.

------------

~Part 9~

~Part 11~

I’ve gotten stuck and rewritten new ideas so many times that idek if I like this anymore, it’s been so long since the fic started that idek if it even flows smoothly but I hope it does, and what matters is that you like the updates, so thank you for still being here for this fic <3

[iamnotoriginalphil]

Lessons in Love (Bucky x Reader) - Part 19

Synopsis: It’s finally time for Bucky to come clean to you.

Words: 2884

Warnings: mentions of smut, swearing

Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4   Part 5    Part 6    Part 7    Part 8    Part 9    Part 10    Part 11     Part 12    Part 13    Part 14    Part 15   Part 16   Part 17   Part 18

You were sitting on the worn material of your old couch, your laptop resting on top of your crossed legs. You had too many assignments due in a short space of time and were working hard to get everything done. Between work and being there for Bucky you’d been putting things off, leaving you racing to catch up with everything you’d left by the wayside.

A knock sounded at the door.

“Mel,” you shouted into the apartment.

Silence greeted you. The knock sounded again. You grumbled, pushing your laptop from your lap and getting up from the couch. You stretched your arms above your head, working the kinks out of your back. Your muscles protested.

You pulled open the door, ready to tell whoever it was to go away. A grim looking Bucky pushed past you into the apartment. You shut the door, leaning back against it to watch him. He was rifling through a battered shoebox, looking through papers.

“Hey.”

He glanced up, pushing his hair out of his face. He gave you a quick flash of a smile and butterflies erupted in your stomach. You wasn’t used to the smiles yet. They always took your heart by surprise.

“I know you’re still hesitant,” he said, “and I know you don’t really believe that I love you.”

“Bucky, it’s not that,” you said.

“Yes it is doll, and it’s okay. I didn’t give you any reason to think I did love you. That I do love you.”

“Where is all this coming from?”

“It came up with my therapist,” he said, waving it off, “but I have the perfect way of showing you, doll. The best way of showing you.”

“Are you about to share your feelings with me?” You couldn’t stop the wry smirk growing on your face.

“Shut up,” he growled but you could hear the smile in his voice.

You sat down on the sofa again, moving your computer to the coffee table to give him room. He sat next to you, shoving the box into your hands. You looked down at it then back up at him.

“What’s this?” you asked.

“It’s pretty self explanatory,” he said, “I can’t be here while you read it all.”

“Wait, what?”

He already had his hand on the door by the time you turned to look at him. You shifted the box off your lap to keep from tipping it over as you got up.

“They’re in order from earliest. Start from the nice paper.”

He disappeared without any further explanation. You were left gaping at the closed door, not really understanding what was being asked of you. You looked down at the box again, pulling it towards you. You ran your fingers over the papers shoved in, familiar scrawl covering the front. You shuffled through them, trying to find the “nice paper”.

You pulled out a closed envelope on heavy paper. It felt expensive, just like the same stuff you used for your wedding invites. Your father had been so excited he’d insisted on the best, paying for everything. He must regret that these days.

You thumbed the envelope open, pulling out a sheet of paper. The pen was dark, almost stabbing at the paper. If it hadn’t been as heavy as it was you were sure there would be tears all through it. You’d seen the same on the notes he wrote on his manuscript. He was a very emotive writer.

Steve

I did it again. You always told me off every time I’d bring a new girl home and leave her the minute I was done fucking her. You kept talking about emotions and connection and you never understood it was only ever about sex. If I wanted a girlfriend then I’d go get one. That’s not what I want.

That doesn’t stop me from realising how disappointed you’d be in me for doing it. But every single day without you I fall further from your influence. If I keep doing it then I can imagine your voice in my head, telling me off. And this girl was so fucking hot.

The things she let me do to her, they would make you blush. Or act like you were from the fucking 1930s. I know I have a rule; never more than once, but this girl could change that. I could do the no strings attached thing. No feelings just fucking. And I know that’s not what you meant when you said making a connection but it would stop me having to find a new girl every night.

Or not.

Don’t give me that look. I can have fun. And what else am I going to do when you’re not here to tell me not to?

You always were my moral compass.

You felt your heart in your throat, beating hard and fast. Whatever you’d been expecting it wasn’t that. You ran your fingers over the words, wondering if you were the girl he was writing about. A sick part of you hoped you were.

Steve

You’ll never guess who showed up in my class. Right there, at the back of the hall, watching me with those eyes that made me hard just glancing at her. She was watching me, all innocent, barely able to look for more than a second. If there hadn’t been a room full of people I would have thrown her to the floor and eaten her up. I wanted to even with all the people.

And then I found her at the bar.

She turned me down.

SHE TURNED ME DOWN

What kind of bitch has mind blowing sex and then says no the next time it’s on offer?

Maybe’s she’s worried about the moral implication of fucking her teacher. I know I should be as well, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Nothing matters. Not really. Not when we’re all going to die. Not when there isn’t a God to look out for us and make sure the good people are rewarded and the bad people are punished. Not in a world where I live and you don’t.

I miss you.

You would make this all make sense.

You tore into the next letter, wanting to know what was going on. You’d never had this kind of insight into his feelings. To think these had been sitting in his apartment the entire time, that he had taken the time to sit down and write about you, it was more than you could comprehend. You hadn’t thought you’d made any kind of an impact on him. Not at that time, at least.

Steve

She tired to drop out of my fucking class. She was in that fucking office talking to fucking Gladys about dropping out of my fucking class.

I might have overreacted.

You would say I overreacted.

I kept her back after class and took her to my office and fucked her. I told her if she dropped out there would be consequences. I told her not to disobey me.

Does that make me an asshole?

It doesn’t, doesn’t it?

You never had a problem telling me I was an asshole. I think I need that again. Because she sure as hell won’t. She’ll let me use her up and throw her away when I’m done, all for a good fuck.

I shouldn’t do this.

I shouldn’t fuck someone else’s life up just because my life is fucked up.

She deserves better than that.

Right?

You took a shuddering breath, your hand already reaching for the next letter.

Steve

She stormed into my office, swearing at me and accusing me of using her. She was like an angel blazing with hellfire, come to destroy me. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

And so I fucked her.

A quickie before class where anybody could hear. It was so fucking hot.

Not that you were ever an exhibitionist. But the thought of people hearing the noises she was making while I was fucking her made me so fucking hard. It still does.

Fuck.

She’s so fucking hot.

You’d hate me Steve. You’d hate the person I’m becoming. I think I might hate him too.

I’m not the same without you.

I’m worse.

I’m so fucking bad without you.

A tear dropped on the page, making the ink bleed. You touched it, wanting to wipe it away but scared of ruining it more. You put it aside, waiting for it to dry.

Steve

I never expected to see this girl in my apartment again, but she looks so fucking hot spread out, naked on my sofa. I can still smell her on my sheets. I can imagine her in my shower every morning.

I watch her in class, taking notes. She gets this wrinkle between her eyes when she’s concentrating and her tongue is clamped between her teeth. It makes me want to take my teeth to her skin.

Her skin is softer than anything I’ve felt before.

Don’t take this to mean my heart is getting involved. It’s purely fucking. She just makes me feel like a teenage boy who has just discovered sex. She makes me want to be inside of her every minute of every day.

You snorted. Of course that’s what he was thinking about.

Steve

She blew me under my desk while I was talking to another student. I think I’m in love.

Don’t take that seriously.

But fuck me, where did this girl come from? I didn’t even realise that was something I would want until she had my dick in her mouth and I had to have a whole conversation about something I didn’t care about with a silly child who insisted on batting her eyelashes at me.

Who wants an innocent child when I could have a sex goddess?

I’ve never cum so hard in my life.

Stop blushing. And stop giving me that look! I can’t help finding her the sexiest fucking woman alive.

You rolled your eyes.

Steve

I’m going to fucking KILL Sam. How does he have the timing of a blundering child with no concept of privacy?

And on the topic of privacy. How dare that girl go snooping around my apartment? She had no right. She makes me so mad.

Which in turn makes me turned on.

I can hate fuck her and it’s so fucking satisfying. I like seeing the bruises I leave. It reminds me she is mine.

And she is mine.

I don’t share. You know that. I’ve never played well with others.

Sometimes he acted like such a spoiled brat.

Steve

SHE’S FUCKING MARRIED

SHE HAS A FUCKING HUSBAND

Well, an ex-husband.

But that’s more than she ever told me.

It didn’t help that it was the anniversary, it didn’t help I was hung over and my head was killing me, but her ex-husband showed up and I had to fucking deal with him. Who the fuck doesn’t tell someone they’re sleeping with they have an ex-husband?

How dare she keep that from me?

She can be such a bitch. She didn’t even act like it was a big deal. It was a big fucking deal. It’s a big deal, right?

You would never let me get this worked up by a silly little girl. You have always been so good at helping keep my head screwed on right.

I wish I could talk to you.

It was like he could never see the hypocrisy of his actions.

Steve

She’s trying to take care of me. I disappear or a week, drinking my liver to death and she comes to fucking check up on me. She better not be reading more into what is happening. Because if she thinks feelings are getting involved she’s stupider than I thought.

I don’t need her taking care of me. And I don’t want her taking care of me.

Why can’t she leave me alone when I obviously don’t want her there? If I don’t call her for a week why the fuck would she come here? It’s not rocket science to realise I don’t want her.

She forced me to eat.

She called Sam to come look after me.

I’m not a fucking child that needs to be taken care of. She had no right to call Sam or to let him in. She has no right to act like she has a place in my life. It’s just sex. No feelings.

There is never going to be any feelings.

You let out a wet chuckle. Sometimes he could be such an ass. Sometimes he could be so oblivious.

Steve

I miss you.

The ink had run over the paper, dried and then dried again. You sniffed, laying that one aside.

Steve

She’s sleeping beside me right now. Her face while she sleeps is wiped clean. She’s not smiling, or frowning, or arguing. She’s a blank page, waiting for the first moment of consciousness to write a word.

She’s beautiful.

Not that she isn’t beautiful when she’s smiling, or frowning, or arguing. She’s always beautiful. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone more beautiful. Not even you. Even though I used to tell you that you looked like one of those Renaissance paintings of an angel.

I wish you could see her.

She’s staying with me for the moment. Her asshole of an ex-husband showed up and tried to force her to get back together with him. She’s not safe in her place anymore. Not with him hanging around.

And I’ll be damned if I let anything happen to her.

I can’t believe she married that asshole. I have no clue what she saw in him. All he wants is to control her and she let him, she let him control her for years.

I can’t let her out of my sight. He will ambush her if I do. I don’t trust him not to hurt her, or to convince her to got back to him. I don’t trust him anywhere near her.

She’s too naive for her own good.

I have to protect her. You would. You protect everyone.

I couldn’t even protect you.

I can’t afford to fuck up again.

You wiped at your eyes, not wanting any more tears to fall. You didn’t want to mess up the words. You wanted to be able to read them again, later, when you might doubt how much he cared about you.

Steve

She aced her finals.

She’s so smart.

I don’t think she realises it.

I wish I could show her.

You shook your head at that.

Steve

She’s gone.

SHE’S GONE

she’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgoneshe’sgone

Apparently she’s desperate for someone to fall in love with her. She wants emotions with her fucking. She wants more than just sex.

SHE’S A FUCKING IDIOT

Life isn’t a fairytale.

Your laugh came out more like a sob.

Steve

I love her.

I love her and I miss her.

And I miss you.

But mostly I love her.

You put the letter down, running your fingers over the words scrawled messily on the note paper. You wiped at your eyes again, trying to stop the tears that were running down your cheeks.

“Oh Bucky,” you whispered to yourself.

You pulled out the last letter, dated from that morning.

Steve

I can already see your insufferably grinning face. You always were right, weren’t you? And you always had to let me know. I just didn’t expect you to be right from beyond the grave.

She loves me too. God knows why. She shouldn’t. I haven’t been nice to her. I haven’t been good to her. If my mother knew how I’d been treating this poor girl she would kick my ass to the West Coast and back. She’d be more disappointed than you. Which is saying a lot. You always knew how to make me disappointed in myself.

I called her and she came and rescued me. She didn’t have to. In fact, I wouldn’t have blamed her if she hadn’t. But she still cared. Who the fuck still cares for someone after being treated the way I treated her?

There must be something wrong with her.

There’s no other explanation for someone loving me.

I always thought there was something wrong with you for loving me.

My therapist would say this is a classic example of negative self talk that leads to my low self worth and a need to distance myself from everyone I care about. No one can hurt me if I keep them at arm’s length.

He’s helping with all that.

And so is she.

I’m not used to having someone so wholly supportive and yet so unwilling to put up with my bullshit. Except for you. She keeps my heard screwed on tight now that you’re gone.

She reminds me every day that sometimes opening up is worth it. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have her. She would have walked out of my life and I never would have been able to put myself back together again.

You would like her.

She reminds me of you. In all the best ways.

I love her more than I though it was possible to love someone.

And because of her, I think everything is going to be okay.

Tags: @libellule2001 @sebs-daybreak @grim-adventures58 @autty0314

[fandom-necromancer]

451. Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.

Shoutout to the amazing anon prompting this! Your other story will be up tomorrow!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900

‘Good morning, tin-can’, Detective Gavin Reed greeted him without making eye contact, as usual. Nines looked up from his work, the little jabbing program in the back of his head starting to act up again upon the conclusion that the uttered statement was [dishonest] and [human is lying]. ‘Good morning, Detective. How had your weekend been?’ ‘Fine.’ [Subject is distant]   [Doesn’t speak the whole truth] Nines nodded and got back to work. He had to go to a Cyberlife store soon and get this checked. Something had to be wrong, because with every word out of that human’s mouth he sensed lies and withheld words. A behaviour like that simply wasn’t natural. Maybe for a day or two, Nines supposed someone could handle it. But three months? Clearly some code had to be faulty.

A message popped up in his vision, informing him of a crime scene that called for their attention. ‘There had been a suspected drug related murder’, he reported dutifully to his partner. ‘We are to leave immediately.’ ‘No, I didn’t even had-‘ The detective cut himself off as Nines had turned towards him attentive to every word. This time they didn’t scream [human is dishonest]. ‘Alright, I’m coming.’ The human stood up and put on his jacket. ‘May I inform you that you haven’t had your morning coffee yet, detective?’ The man tensed and held it for several seconds, before letting out a deep sigh. ‘I know, toaster, it’s fine.’   [human is lying]

The drive to the crime scene was silent. Nines knew it was normal to discuss what they knew about the scene, but the detective wasn’t one for banter. So, he prepared one of his usual monologues: ‘The body was found today at 6:43 AM by garbage collectors in an industrial park. As I was informed there aren’t any signs of a murder on the body, but there were traces of red ice and a message left.’ ‘Oh god, will you shut u-‘ Nines looked over to his partner at the uncommon reaction, but before he could say something, the human corrected himself: ‘I’m sorry. Continue.’ Again, it was dishonest from the bone. ‘Detective, if you’d rather drive in silence and examine the scene for yourself, I can stop.’ ‘No! No, no, I’m fine, I don’t want to stand in your way. Just get on.’ [lie] ‘Okay… Well, there is a message on the wall above the body, Cyberlife font but not perfect. Maybe trying to blame androids for the murder?’ ‘We are there’, the detective interrupted and parked the car lazily at the street.

He almost fled through the opened gate in the fence and followed a beat cop already waiting for them. The woman led them through a jungle of pipes and brick-walls, maybe it was a chemical plant. Nines didn’t look it up, he was preoccupied hurrying after his partner.

He caught up to him as they arrived at the scene: True to Nines’ description there was a dead body, a middle-aged woman, leaning against a wall and a pipe. The ground was covered in tiny red crystals that turned blue where they came in touch with water puddles from yesterday’s downpour. No obvious signs of foreign interference, no blood, no needles, no reminders of handprints or rope at the throat. She looked like she was sleeping. Above her head there was near perfectly written: Pay your debts.

The detective was already on his knees, inspecting the crystals on the ground. ‘There is no pattern in the distribution’, Nines helped and saw the man flinch but say nothing, moving on to the body. Nines dipped a finger into the red dust and brought it to his mouth. The familiar results came in near immediately. ‘Red Ice.’ Gavin was already looking at the woman, crouching down once more to study face and throat, then hands and clothing. Meanwhile Nines looked up her file. ‘Her name is Susan Miller. Married, no children. No history of drug abuse, at least none documented. Works at a local news channel, no peculiarities at record there. Uploads photos of a bird regularly on social media. At least from her file there is no motive for a murder.’ He had noticed how the human had increasingly tensed while he was speaking. Nines immediately recalled what he had said, searching for a reason for this behaviour but found none. So, he continued: ‘The writing on the wall appears perfect, but there are little waves at the corners, evidence of a slight tremor or malfunction. Not enough to eliminate the writer either being human or android.’ Still, the crouched down human wasn’t answering, silently inspecting the findings in her pockets. A wallet with a bunch of cards, some money and pictures of her husband and the bird. Some keys, one for a car, one that looked like fitting a front door. Some handkerchiefs. Pepper spray. ‘The spray had been used at least once’, Nines supplied from his analysis. ‘I will try to find out whether that was here.’

He crouched down, getting samples of the ground around the dead woman, but stopped as his partner got up and walked away without a word. ‘Detective!’, Nines called out for him, but there was no reaction. He got up, recalling his recent memories. Why was the man acting so strangely? With everything he had done he had intended to help. There was a reason, androids were flooding the police. They could see things humans couldn’t. Nines would stand for it without pride or a feeling of superiority. There was also a lot, humans could do that went far over an android’s head. Especially working with detective Reed Nines experienced it nearly every day. He really liked working with the man as he was efficient and not hindered by compassionate emotions. The only thing standing between him and a successful cooperation was this behaviour the man was displaying: No more speaking than the barest minimum, every direct question answered with something he knew wasn’t what the man wanted to say. And he decided that this had to end that moment, standing next to the dead body of the poor woman.

He started running to catch up to his partner and found him sitting behind the wheel looking the other direction. Clearly waiting for him but not voluntarily. Silently, Nines entered the passenger seat, but as the man wanted to reach for the gear-knob, Nines grabbed it instead, looking at the human with determination. The detective met his eyes, flinching at the contact and immediately his left hand was at the door-handle. Nines scanned the human opposite to him and realised for the first time that this was a reaction of fear. Of course, he had never noticed it. He wouldn’t have thought the man to fear anything after seeing him in action with no regards to his own safety, only having the mission in mind.

Nines averted his eyes and let go of the knob, strangely regretting that the human was afraid of him. What had he done to frighten a man like Reed? Of course, he could be frightening. He had been designed to be. But he had always tried to be gentle and helpful. ‘I’m sorry, detective.’ ‘What?’ ‘You seem to be afraid of me.’ ‘No I’m not!’ ‘You are lying right now.’

There was silence. ‘I detected you lying to me repeatedly, always saying something you didn’t mean or trying to cover something up that slipped past your lips that you did mean. I… I asked myself what I did wrong all the time, but now I know. I am sorry to frighten you.’ ‘You don’t frighten me’, it was quietly uttered, as if ashamed. But it was true for once and Nines looked up again, studying the human that had crossed his arms over the steering wheel. ‘Then please tell me what I’m doing wrong. I can see your stress levels spike whenever you are talking to me, but you never tell me what causes that. I can ask for a transfer, if you want. Though I really enjoy working with you.’ ‘It’s nothing, I can handle it.’ ‘You are lying again. Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.’

‘Fine, okay!’ Suddenly there was anger. Anger Nines hadn’t seen before, as if it had been chained deep inside his partner and only now set free. ‘I never asked for a partner. I was perfectly fine being alone. And then I get a phcking machine! A damn Connor 2.0! You know I would have rather learned I’m replaced by a bot than work with one! You perfect analysing dipshits, scrolling through people’s social media and finding out every little detail we thought to be well hidden. What will the world come to once our metal overlords slowly take everything? When our worth is determined by machines? Phck, I hate your kind. Always had and always will. And if you want to punch me unconscious for this too, like your damn doppelgänger did to show me my place, then fine, do it! It won’t change who I am! You would have to kill me for that!’ Nines looked at the human surprised and confused. He had never expected… What had Connor done? He accessed the precinct’s surveillance database through the android network and searched for anything that would explain what happened. As he searched, there was a groan coming from the human as he slumped down again. Finally he found a file. Gavin threatening Connor for illegally entering the evidence room. And moments later ending up on the floor unconscious. A heavy blow to a proud man’s ego. It made Nines re-evaluate his relationship to Connor and his approach to the human next to him.

‘I would never harm you, detective’, Nines said carefully. ‘I wouldn’t even think of it.’ He paused, expecting the human to intervene and shut him up. But detective Reed stayed silent. Without being able to see his face, Nines couldn’t find out whether what he was saying had an impact. ‘And I definitely don’t think humans are of any different worth than androids. I disagree of humans being superior. But so I do with androids. We are equals. I wouldn’t have taken the job if I replaced a human. I don’t know what Connor thought as he did this to you, but I don’t think it was justified. I know nothing I say will change your opinion on androids, but please look at my actions when judging me, not other’s.’ ‘Fine, asshole, I’ll judge you by your actions: You always act like you know phcking everything. As if a human can’t get to the conclusion that a pepper spray was used before! Shit, then the ordering around. New crime scene there, we are to go here… Bullshit! We are not partners! You are the perfect detective and I’m the burden you have to bring along because technically you have a partner. Don’t you tell me we are equals!’ ‘But we are? You are not a burden. You don’t speak to me at all, how should I have known what you found out? I just thought to help you by stating everything I could see. And I never intended to order you around although I see I might have phrased some sentences really weirdly. I’m sorry for that. But you have to tell me that, how else should I know?’ ‘Hmm yeah and end up drooling on the floor again? No thank you!’ ‘That’s not healthy.’ ‘Yeah, well, phck you! I only have my eight hours with you, then I can relax again.’ ‘But it doesn’t have to be like this. I can assure you you can always tell me. I promise you I’ll never harm you. We are partners, we are supposed to protect the other. And I need you. I agree, I can analyse samples and see more at a crime scene than a human. But you are far more advanced in finding a motive and thinking like a killer would. You have social skills I would never manage to develop in my active time. I need your skills and you need mine. And that’s how it is supposed to be. If you have problems with me, you can tell me.’

There was a heavy sigh. ‘You can’t tell me you need me. That’s bullshit. When did you ever needed me?’ ‘Every talk to witnesses or family members of victims, you lead. I couldn’t be compassionate if my life depended on it. I’m too analytical for it. And take this case for an example: I suppose you already have a hunch?’ ‘…Yeah.’ ‘I don’t. I know there is not enough evidence yet. But you already have an idea to follow for the next steps. That is one of your most amazing qualities.’

They still sat in the car, twenty minutes after leaving the crime scene. ‘So, how about we start over and you talk to me as if I were a human partner that in no way had a chance at overpowering you in a fight?’ The detective had risen his head over the wheel again, maybe Nines had managed to get through to him. ‘I think I could try that.’ ‘That’s good to hear, detective.’ ‘The name’s Gavin.’

[actualbird]

most of the rec lists i have planned for @dghdafeedbackfest​ are completely brotzly centric so this rec list goes out to the shipless fics/fics that dont have the ship as the focus that deserve love!!!!!

An Interlude; or, Compulsory Heterosexuality Made Me Do It by @gallantrejoinder​ and @teacupsandcyanide​

Farah and Todd did, in fact, make out while on the run. They also both realised some very important things about themselves.

But not the things you might expect.

okay im kinda cheating with this one because theres suggested brotzly but this fic is just SO GOOD AND HILARIOUS and a wonderful look into farah and todd’s relationship

How Doth The Little Crocodile by quingigillion (cartouche)

Someone has beat them to it. That’s never happened before. They hate having their fun spoiled. Especially by some skinny white guy with a bloody nose who’s grinning far too wide.

"Oh. Hi!"

gorgeously atmospheric and beautifully written. i lack the words to adequately explain why i love this fic so much, but it just paints an amazing picture of a could-be dirk with wonderful prose

Pistachi-Oh, Dear... by @dont-offend-the-bees​

All Dirk wanted was a muffin. The universe had better ideas.

THIS FIC IS SO CLEVER AND FUNNY. THE SHEER GENIUS OF HOW EVERYTHING CONNECTS IS AMAZING AND THIS IS JUST A GREAT READ WHICH ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH

when you see me by couldaughter

Mrs Cjelli - Mum - was silent. He could hear her breath hitch, could almost taste salt in the air. The pressure in his chest hadn’t eased.

“I suppose this might be a bit of a shock,” Dirk said, eventually. He forced himself to look back up, to assess the damage he’d caused.

time for the TEARS. this fic makes me emotional so much. dirk gently deserves the BEST MOM!!!

Life by yeaka

Panto and Silas ask their king about children.

short, beautiful, and poignant. the magic here takes a life of its own even if it is sitting in the backseat.

where the falling angels meet the rising apes by cosmicocean

The thing sweeps its scythe and straightens. It must sense eyes on it, because it turns it’s head and looks right at Svlad. It is a skull’s face, grinning and bleached. Svlad stares. It tilts it’s head, like it’s watching a particularly fascinating documentary, or a cat attempting to catch a laser pointer created dot. AH, it says. It’s mouth doesn’t move, but Svlad hears it’s voice all the same, resonating deep and forever. INTERESTING.

A story of Death and the boy who could see him, through the years.

DISCWORLD DEATH AND DIRK ARE BUDDIES, WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR??? well this fic is also a wonderful peek into dirk’s development and Death as a character is done so well.

i was born in a summer storm (i live there still) by janeseyre

Farah confronts the vestiges of her past as she, Dirk, and Todd travel east to visit her mother. It turns out Farah isn’t as over her father’s death as she thought she was.

do you want the agency trio being the best of mcfucking friends???? gen ot3 feels are so strong in this fic. heartfelt and warm.

Breezes and Buceros have one thing in common by Grand_Funk

"Hi, I'm Mona." Says Mona in a voice that Svlad feels is fit for someone who breaks into rooms as a draft, only to spend time in them as a bird.

very VERY clever writing that is so apt for the short and heartbreaking scene that this fic portrays. lovely, so lovely.

An utterly non-de-escalatable situation by Grand_Funk

And in the deafening silence, Farah realized she had made a grave mistake.

"Oh my God, Farah, I didn't know you could sing!"

SWEETNESS OH GOD. RIP FARAH

Peach, Plum, Pear by Lavellington

"Mona!" Dirk says. "What have we said about sneaking up on people in the form of inanimate objects?"

"It's bad manners," she says, "and may result in invasion of privacy, or untimely cardiac arrest."

"Yes," he says, "good, thank you."

my favorite mona fic of all time. im taking this fic as basically like, the bible for how mona’s pov works and it is a joy to take a trip into her wonderfully crafted perspective and mind.

AAAAND here are some self indulgent self recs because im proud of my genfics hehe

the same wish is returned by reptilianraven

"I don’t really know how to make friends.”

The fortune teller opens a flap under Dirk’s fingers. The text reads, just do what you did with me.

“Take you with me while I escaped a government prison?” Dirk asks, dutifully folding all the paper back in order before unfolding a flap open anew.

smile. be yourself. keep talking. Mona says through the new text. if that doesn’t work do what i did to make you my friend

“And what is that, exactly?” Dirk fondly remembers how he met Mona. How he first yelped in shock when he saw a chair shift into scorpion and then watched in awe-horror as that scorpion stood between him and the exit.

make sure he doesn’t get away :D

-

When Dirk escapes Blackwing that first time, he takes Mona with him. Friendship is a little odd when one party refuses to turn into anything human and the other party is Dirk, but they make it work.

i just really love mona, guys

Estevez and the Acceptable, Tolerable, Not Too Bad, Okay Continued Living Existence by reptilianraven

Seconds before he’s about to stand to leave, his phone pings. There’s text from a number he doesn’t recognize.

estevez i hope this is ur number

Who is this?

who are you first is this estevez detective estevez i never got your first name is it detective hey are you ignoring these texts HEY THIS IS LYDIA

For real?

-

Wherein Ex-Detective Joel Estevez does not die.

i could not accept estevez’ death SO MUCH this fic had to happen lest i sulk for a month.

happy reading!! dont forget to show these writers some love!!!!

[tetrakys]

MCLUL 18

The episode starts where the previous one had left: either in Nath’s flat if you decided to follow Amber, or in Castiel’s if you didn’t. Either way, Candy goes to Nath’s place after Amber calls her and the same dialogue unfolds. Nath explains that he has been back in town for weeks because Erik, his cop friend, tracked him down as soon as he’d left and they are now working together to collect enough evidence to dismantle the cartel for good. He’s playing the bait (hence the traffic light-looking attire) and wearing a wire under his clothes. He leaves soon after saying that he will be back once he’s done with this dangerous mission.

The rest of the episode is mostly about university work, the last we will ever see. First, Candy practices her presentation with Rosa, Morgan and Alexy. We assist a fight between the two lovebirds that soon morphs into a sweet declaration of love. Later, Candy keeps practicing alone first and later with Yeleen (if you chose it).

We also attend Rayan’s final class. The first part is about the group work, each group reports their experience. I thought this whole group work sub-plot was going to lead to something, either a mini-arc for Chani, where she learns to be less of a perfectionist and shows her art to the world, or some kind of drama with Melody, or at least something important for the degree. It was all very tepid, almost as if the writers had changed their mind and dropped it from the plot. The second part of the class is, instead, about relaxation techniques in the park. Because it makes total sense in a modern art history course.

After all this, Candy goes to the café to tell Clemence she is going to quit soon. Clemence tells her to not rush into this decision because there’s no job for history of arts majors and she may end up having to keep working as a waitress (charming as usual, but also strangely nice?). Also, an improbable friendship is born when Clemence shows lots of interest in Chani’s magical aptitude.

That evening Nina sends a text saying she’s witnessed the cops arresting her assailant, and Candy and Priya have a discussion about Nath and what that could mean for him.

The day of the thesis discussion Candy is very stressed, but she finds Castiel outside the class and he helps giving her relaxation technique tips. She also gets a little spooked finding Rayan in the class (I don’t see why? Seems pretty normal to me). Anyway, time-skip to the end of the exam and Candy is pretty satisfied with herself. She even buys Chani a crystal as a thank you for her support and encouragement for her own exam.

In the evening Candy attends a party Hyun has thrown to celebrate the end of the academic year. She had also invited her parents and the illustration shows the moment she introduces the LI to them. Everyone except Nath. Having sneaked into the café’s kitchen, his illustration portrays the moment he tells Candy he’s finally free from the Cartel.

The episode ends in the middle of the party.

THE END

Now let’s go into more detail on everyone’s route:

Here, I’m saying it... Nath is always 100% bangable. Even like this, once the problematic leggings and the blinding yellow t-shirt are off, there’s really nothing to talk about.

I found the resolution of Nath’s route very anticlimactic, happening off screen. If Candy got somehow involved however, it would’ve probably been quite trashy and ridiculous so there was really no win in this crazy scenario. It just feels they dragged too long, only to create angst, something that they resolved with just a few words and no involvement on our part. If MCL is indeed ending in a couple of episodes, this was basically the main recurring plot-line of the whole season and it fell short, at least for me.

Him acting as a bait... let’s say it was fine, he showed some courage. But there are two things that didn’t make sense for me (in this episode): firstly, his explanation to why the cartel didn’t simply kill him, because they thought it was easier to pull off a mugging than a murder, especially if the victim was a snitch. REALLY? What does it even mean. These people were really kind drug lords: first hiring a young boy out of nowhere, then beating him up when they found out he had betrayed them instead of killing him, even giving him three days to say goodbye and skip town, and later exposing themselves enough letting him stay in town for weeks instead of killing him on the spot. Also, second thing, shouldn’t he have cut a deal with the police for his immunity BEFORE he helped them? They would’ve given him pretty much anything to shut down a whole drug cartel. I don’t know Nath, you should be so smart, at least get a lawyer next time.

A round of applause to Candy for spilling the beans with everyone about Nath’s dangerous and super-secret plan 👏👏👏

The reunion with Nath, if you are on his route, is cute and pretty emotional. She falls on the floor, overwhelmed, and he kisses her and reassures her. All this in front of Amber. The scene in the kitchen at the end of the episode, however, was a little less emotional than I would’ve liked. Especially the illustration, there was NO NEED to include Amber in it. 

I did appreciate the choice to not introduce him immediately to the parents, it really wasn't the right time.

Bae is particularly charming when he laughs and smile. Both a hottie and a cutie, he’s the whole package.

I think BV tried to apologise for the lack of Castiel’s content in the previous episode, because this time we had plenty, well... more than with had the others.

After the scene in Nath’s flat, he takes us to the dorms on every route, but if you are on his route you can choose to spend the night at his place. To find an excuse so they wouldn’t hook up, BV wrote that Candy feels dizzy and they just cuddle. She’s not dizzy on any other route, just tired. And now that I’m writing these words I’m having an AWFUL SUSPICION THAT I DON’T EVEN WANT TO WORD EXPLICITLY, please no... just no.

His relaxation technique was funny, pretending to be super confident, but if you’re his girlfriend he gives Candy a breathtaking kiss right before the final exam that ensures victory for both of them.

His meeting with the parents is super chill, my Candy and him were together in HS, so they remembered him and love him already, not sure if anything changes otherwise but I guess not. Philips goofs in front of him, dancing horribly joking that he should be on his next music video and they all laugh (except maybe Candy, but it’s a happy moment nonetheless).

Crack and Rum, Castiel’s band name according to mom 😂

Now, I left the bad part for last:

Yeleen touches Castiel’s arm while talking to him in front of the café on any route. Even if he’s not our boyfriend I wanted to clock her. B*tch there is a strict NO TOUCHING policy here. But when he’s our boyfriend I timidly told Castiel that the parents were coming AND I LOST 10 FREAKING POINTS!!! What. The. Hell. Should I fight with him too? I feel like I should. This requires a heated conversation!

The green dress is super hot, and Candy is a total snack, but she’s just one small accident away to show her nipples to the world. (Surfboard my ass, Castiel)

As usual there’s very little to say about Hyun’s route. He’s excited to meet the parents and doesn’t realise they were already there, so he keeps blubbering Candy about their summer trip and kisses Candy in front of them. When he figures out he gets bashful, but they all laugh it off.

Honorable mention to Philip for not knowing where Slovenia is. SERIOUSLY?? 

Look at this fierce power couple, it looks like they’re about to conquer the world or rob a bank. Probably both.

Was it the right moment to spill the beans about their relationship in the middle of a college party. No. But did I enjoy their power walk, hand in hand, in the middle of the crowd? YES.

The parents’ reaction could’ve been worse. Philip could’ve gone ballistic. We didn’t see the “man-to-man chat”, probably because it was a tricky one to write, it could’ve sounded either ridiculous or trashy. Kudos to BV for taking the coward way out and skipping the problem altogether.

Rayan said that he loved her and it was sweet. However, Candy talking about how much she's into him in front of Sweet Amoris knowing that that is my Lys account felt like being sucker punched.

Also, Rayan got a tenure track position. I. Hate. Him. (I’m not envious, not at all)

Priya tearing up when Candy tells her that she wants to be with her completely is probably THE MOST FREAKING CUTE THING I’VE EVER SEEN. Cuter than cat videos. (But less cute than duckling videos. There’s nothing cuter than a baby duck).

The parents are happy to meet Priya, zero drama in Candy’s coming out, I found it refreshing, I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed a bad reaction (even a short one). They even all dance together until late night. The illustration shows Priya accepting Philip’s challenge at a sort of dance-off.

A few final comments:

I didn’t understand aunty’s comments about a masked party at the end of the school year, is that a French thing?

Philip not knowing where Slovenia is, and Hyun having to explain that it’s an European country, makes me think that they’re trying to convince us the game is not set in France. Mph.

I also wonder where Hyun’s parents live exactly. It can’t be Korea since Hyun goes back home all the time, even just for a weekend.

Everything points out to the end of the story being about a new separation, everyone moving away to achieve their own future.

Alexy is probably going to follow Morgan to Washington.

Rosa is moving to the beach house (which is not very far, but not exactly in town either).

Yeleen is excited to live in London. (The girl is going to get a HUGE wake-up call the moment she realises that apartments here are tinier than her dorm room, quite bad and life is so expensive that (if she doesn’t want to accept money from her mother) with a tourist guide salary she’s probably going to afford only a tiny room, in the middle of nowhere, in a flat shared with 10 other people).

Castiel is going on tour.

Hyun will probably want to move closer to his family after the trip.

Nath may or may not go to jail.

Priya wants to go back to India to fight social injustice.

Rayan is the only one staying in town for sure.

I GUESS, after some angst about a possible separation and break-up, the series is going to end with Candy making a life choice that brings her closer to her crush.

Anyway, the end is coming and I’m sad.

[birds-punch]

Archie! Sonadow AU: Spectrum (issue 222) Part 2

“Summary: Sonic and Shadow goes out on their first public date in New Mobotropolis, but ran into some trouble while on their date.

Characters: Sonic the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog, Sally Acorn.

Pairings: Sonadow, Sonally (Past.)

Words: 1778

Warning: Implied Homophobia.

A/N: Sorry if this looks like shit compared to the first part, but I actually was typing this while having writer’s block. But I hope you all enjoy reading this

“Shadow, please chill! Let’s just go!” said a frazzled Sonic.

The blue hedgehog was currently occupied with holding back an extremely pissed off Shadow from going back into the restaurant, so he can literally skewer any of the customers and staff with a Chaos Spear.

Sonic then gently took his boyfriend’s chin into his hand, so he can make the angry hedgehog face him.

“You don’t have to get so worked up over a bunch of stupid jerks’ opinions, Shadow. I’m sure they’ll get to used to it. Please just calm down.” he said in a soft tone, before placing a slow kiss on the black hedgehog’s cheek. 

The soft smooch on his cheek and the comforting touch on his chin helped the hybrid calm down to a more controllable amount but his expression did not change, however as he simply let out an irritated “Hmph!” before folding his arms, slightly blushing.

Sonic could smile sadly at the irritated hedgehog before gently snaking his arm around his boyfriend’s waist and speaking up: “Since our dinner was a complete flop thanks to a couple of idiots, why don’t we go somewhere more private like the Lake of Rings?”

Before Shadow could respond to his boyfriend’s offer or the arm around his waist, the restaurant doors burst open and out came the same waiter and some of the customers who were part of the argument. 

“Wait! What does the rest of the Freedom Fighters think of this?”

“Yeah! Your friends should have some doubts about your new boyfriend and that you’re no longer straight!”

The blue hedgehog couldn’t help but actually growl in annoyance, their secret dates in Capital City was much more pleasing than this! 

“Look guys could you all please just...”

As Sonic was busy trying to sort out the group, by then; the GUN agent had enough of this. He may no longer have in it in himself to throw it all away and instantly murder everyone outside and in the restaurant, there has been enough inaction for one night and he would no longer stand by and listen to these...dickheaded people insulting his relationship with Sonic. Now is the time to give them a piece of his mind. 

He started to build up Chaos energy into his body as he stepped in front of his already annoyed and irritated boyfriend.

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” screamed Shadow, as he lets out a Chaos Blast.

The Chaos Blast was strong enough to knock many people off their feet, but also weak enough to avoid seriously injuring anyone or damage any nearby property. The entire group went completely silent, as they all looked up in fear of a certain glowering and chaos energy glowing hedgehog who was glaring a glare that meant all hell and unspeakable pain. Sonic who was behind Shadow, didn’t get knocked off his feet, but also looked rather surprised at what his boyfriend just did.

“Now all of you listen here and very carefully! Whether Sonic is straight, bi or even gay is not any of your choices or something you can change! He may be your hero and you all possibly worship him, but he is not some kind of object, you all can shape into some kind of delusion you all have!” He shot an extremely hateful glare at the waiter, who flinched and actually looked as if he pissed himself. “And. It’s also none of your Chaos-damned business to judge my relationship with Sonic!” 

Shadow then walked over and took Sonic’s hand, “Now then, the two of us are going to continue our date even after all of you are responsible for ruining our dinner together and don’t ever show any of your presence to us again because if I hear one more word from any of you, I won’t hesitate the next time to destroy any of you so thoroughly it will be impossible to prove any of you even existed!”

The two then disappeared in a flash of light, thanks to Shadow’s Chaos Control. After the two hedgehogs had reappeared at the Lake of Rings in a huge flash of light, Sonic placed a hand on his head, still feeling a little dizzy despite the fact the two had done this before in the past.

Once the dizziness had finally passed, the blue hedgehog spoke up. “Wow, Shadow! That was so awesome how you put those stupid jerks in their place, you should be proud of yourself.” he praised. 

Shadow only stayed quiet. Looking down at the ground, hiding his features from his boyfriend. Sonic’s proud smirk faded as concern washed over his frame before gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Shadow...are you okay?”

Hearing his boyfriend’s concerned tone in his voice, made the hybrid look up at him, his expression unchanging. It actually looked like the Ultimate Lifeform was going to cry right here, right now. 

Seeing his boyfriend’s state made the blue blur’s heart break a good amount. But having known the black hedgehog very well, because of all those past special moments they both shared; he knew what he should say. 

Placing his other hand on the distressed hedgehog’s other shoulder, Sonic began talking.

“Hey Shadow, it’ll be okay I promise. I’m very proud of you for standing up to those idiots and defending our relationship. What they said back there is not true. They either are too closeminded or not used to it yet but, it doesn’t matter. Okay?”

He then placed one of his hands against the GUN agent’s cheek. Gently caressing it with his thumb. 

“Shadow, you’re the most precious guy to me, ever since that night you were there for me. I don’t even care if my parents, my friends or even the whole world is against us. All that really matters is what we have between us and nothing else. I don’t even want to imagine what it would be like without you here or letting you go.”

Just like earlier tonight, Shadow found himself completely amazed and overwhelmed by what his lover has just proclaimed to him. A huge blush filled his entire muzzle along with a growing warmth in his chest and his heart beating rapidly. He fought the urge to grasp his chest fur like the last time he felt like this when... he discovered his feelings for the blue hedgehog after the Metal Sonic Troopers. 

He then spoke up again, "But then again, I guess I could also thank Sally for slapping and breaking up with me that night too."

The look his boyfriend gave him was the definition of "What the hell, Hedgehog?". He looked like he just heard that the doctor had somehow given birth if that's even possible. Sonic only laughed at the GUN agent's predicted reaction.

"Think about it Shadow. If Sally and I never broke up in the first place, we wouldn't be here right now talking like this. It's very possible the two of us would've stayed as rivals."

Shadow let himself think over what the blue hedgehog's words. He did not want to believe it but it seemed true! If Sonic and the princess never ended their relationship together, making the blue blur run away from his friends and into the forest; the black hedgehog never would have followed his instincts and went after the Freedom Fighter. Both of them would probably would've never discovered their feelings for each other if he said "Yes." or if Shadow did discover his feelings, then it may stay one-sided forever, which is something Shadow never wants to imagine since he's been with the blue runner for several months which only felts like years to him. Even the thought of it actually made his chest feel cold and empty like that time when Sonic got lost in space for a year while everyone believed he was dead. It felt like fate or something much more, it made him realise just how lucky he is, to even have Sonic here with him despite the speedster's strong Chaos Energy that kept him from aging.

The blue hedgehog gave an expression of concern when he noticed how quiet Shadow has gotten, when he stated the fact. "Shadow, is something wrong?"

Before Sonic could speak or even react, he suddenly found himself being held around the waist and the feel of his boyfriend’s lips over his. The blue hedgehog’s eyes went wide open the moment he felt Shadow’s lips kissing him, but allowed himself to melt into the kiss and in his arms as he gently wrapped his arms around the hybrid’s neck.

After what felt like for all eternity; the two hedgehogs pulled away from the kiss. Sonic panted slightly from a lack of oxygen and the intense passionate feeling he felt from the kiss. Letting a tender smile grow across his muzzle, he then placed his forehead against Shadow’s. Besides that protective nature that the blue blur loves so much, it’s also how real and true those kisses felt. Like he can just take off and fly with the need of the Chaos Emeralds to turn into Super Sonic. He never felt this way with Sally and her kisses or with anyone else he dated.

“Feel better?” Sonic asked, which sounded nothing more than a whisper.

Shadow did not say anything except for sitting down on the grass, gently pulling his lover onto his lap. He then lets out a small “Hmph!” which didn’t have any form of irritation or annoyance and started to pet and caress the blue hedgehog. How on Mobius did he deserve someone as loving and kind as this faker? Everything that had happened in the past between them. Their first meeting, that night, the confession and the fact Sonic can never age, thanks to his strong Chaos Energy; it must all be written in fate for both of them or maybe someone of a greater existence had something to do with this. But the Ultimate Lifeform never felt more content in his life; while the first half of their night went wrong, now? This is possibly the most precious and treasured moment for him

Sonic curled up in the Ultimate Lifeform’s lap, purring loudly from the loving caress. Yeah, this is also definitely another thing he can add to the list. He and Sally had never done this together before and thanks to his strong Chaos Energy, he and Shadow have all eternity to cuddle like this. 

Out from the corner of his eye however, he noticed a blur of brown and light running away from behind some trees. The blue hedgehog did nothing but scowl from what just seen.

‘Sally...’

END...

[irwinkitten]

carry on | m.c

requested: kinda? it’s part two of the bi!reader series. pairing: bi!reader x Michael notes: so this is part two to the bi!reader series. i’ve been working on this for the last two? three? weeks now. i had only intended to be like, 5k at most? maybe 6k at a push. but here we are, 30k words later. just a quick thank you to @burncrashbromance for setting this series in motion (you can find in love here.) i would also like to thank @glitterprincelu, @astroashtonio , and @hereforlukescruff for being personal cheerleaders when i needed them. (especially to allie as well who let me use her name, i love u soulmate #1) i want to also thank @hotmessmichael who kept reminding me that it wasn’t entirely shit. also shout out to @calumh-excess for being moral support through the last half of the fic and reminding me to take sanity breaks. love u rum auntie h. massive shout out to the rest of the girls in the nothin’ but love gc too ( @notoriouslyhood, @meetashthere, @valentinelrh, @softforcal) y’all have been my fucking rocks when i wanted to smack my head against heavy objects. 

warnings: angst, fluff, very slow burn.  word count: thirty fucking thousand words. with a couple of extra.  (30,125 words to be precise. 79 pages in google docs.)

---

“Y/N, you need to go, you’ve still got to get through security!” Her mum called out, wrapping her daughter in a tight hug.

It was going to be a long flight to LA, and she was nervous as anything.

“Promise us you’ll at least call whilst you’re out there? I’m going to miss hearing you strumming away.” At this, she laughed, a soft grin on her lips as she kissed her mother's cheek.

“I promise. Please don’t make me cry, I’ve still got to say goodbye to Allie.” At this, her mum chuckled before planting another kiss to her forehead before letting her go.

Y/N practically threw herself in her girlfriend’s arms, peppering her face in kisses, earning a laugh from Allie.

“Look at you, getting your shot in LA. I’m so damn proud of you.” And she knew that her girl was over the moon, but the tears shared between the two still spoke of the worries and sadness they felt at the distance that was about to come between them.

“I’ll text as often as possible babygirl, I promise.”

“Y/N!” She groaned at her name being called before leaning forward, pressing a soft kiss goodbye to her girlfriend.

“I love you Allie, don’t forget that.”

And then she was practically rushing away, carry on in one hand with her guitar slung over her shoulder, waving to her girl and her family.

---

The journey felt exhausting. When she’d left, it had been eight am. Yet as she landed, the time told her it was only ten am and she quickly realised today was going to be a very long one.

Managing to get an Uber to the hotel that was booked for her, she got her stuff checked in and sent the message to her mum and Allie that she had arrived safely in LA and that she was setting off to explore for the day.

‘Take care of yourself’ came from her mother. ‘Eat all the ice cream you can today and send me selfies.’ came from Allie.

Sending a quick message to one of the producers she was meeting with the next day to let them know she’d arrived safely, she didn’t expect an invite for lunch in LA.

‘That way you’ll know a friendly face when you come into the studio and maybe we can talk over some of the ideas you have. It’s handy to go in prepared when you’re recording.’

And that was what led her to a small cafe, sat in the sunshine with John Feldmann.

“How are you liking LA so far?” She shrugged.

“It’s more humid than back in Britain. I don’t know how my hair is going to survive a month whilst we get this done.” John laughed.

“You’ll adapt. You’ll miss this humidity back home, I can bet it.”

“Oh I know I will.”

“I’ve managed to get one of the more bigger studios, I remembered you putting that small spaces whilst recording weren’t ideal?” At this, she laughed.

“It’s because I like to move. I can’t stay still unless I’m sat at the piano, but even then I’m more than likely rocking out.” John joined in with the laughter.

“I think I’m going to like working with you. I had to rearrange a few schedules, but overall none were bothered by it. I think we gave a few people the lie-ins the desperately wanted.”

“As long as I haven’t inconvenienced anyone. I’m still amazed that it was my track that was picked. Like, there were so many that seemed to much better than mine.” She admitted softly and John smiled. He knew the team had picked right.

“You simply turned the camera on and went for it. No recording equipment, no overlays of other instruments. Just you and the guitar. And it was such a refreshing and catchy sound, how could we not pick you?” Her cheeks had gone as red as a tomato.

“Glad to understand how I got picked. Honestly, this is like, a dream. Like, I’m gonna wake up in five minutes and my girl is gonna give me a kiss good morning before she’s off to work and then I’m gonna roll out of bed to my own job.” At this, John laughed.

“It can kind of feel that way sometimes. Did you want to head to the studio today to check out what you’re working with? I know today was meant to be introductory and giving you a chance to settle, but I know that knowing where you’re going into will help.” She nodded in understanding.

“Actually, I like the idea of that.”

---

The studio had been beyond her wildest dreams. The mixing board alone was bigger than her usual recording space, so the actual studio was a dream to be in.

She had met a few other faces that were going to be helping her and she recognised what John was doing. He was helping her build connections away from making the actual music.

But she networked herself well, managed to get a few details and her new start felt promising. She’d heard bad things about LA, but she knew that she needed to experience every bit of it to get her feet stuck in.

The day had felt like a whirlwind but it meant that at nine pm, she passed out having barely crawled under the covers.

The next day, felt almost like another whirlwind. Because she was staying in LA for the month, there was more time in the studio and with other writers to perhaps add or help adjust the songs.

What had pained her was having to pick a list of songs, so she simply brought the entire book that held her life in its pages, her heart and soul falling into the lyrics. It would be easier for others to see her work, to see the highest and lowest moments of her life.

And that was terrifying as fuck.

She greeted John with ease and she had to stop herself from having a starstruck moment as she realised who she was writing with.

“This is Alex Gaskarth and Michael Clifford, guys, this is Y/N.” John introduced and she shook their hands, her brain kicking into high gear as they sat down in the various chairs, a small coffee table between them.

“Nice to meet you. Feldy hasn’t shut up about finding real raw talent for the last week and a half.” This made her laugh.

“I just play the guitar and sing. If people see it as talented then I’ll roll with it. But it was hard earned talent.” Michael chuckled as he shook her hand.

“Good, it gives me less of a job when it comes to producing. I’ll be one of the producers for your EP.” She felt her lips grow even wider.

“Nice to know I’m in safe hands then.”

“Shall we get started?” Alex indicated to the book sat on the coffee table, and it was only a moment of hesitation before she nodded her head and opened it, sharing her fears and joys with total strangers to find and create the right songs.

---

The writing session seemed to be successful.

Finding the right songs seemed to take a lot of time, going over the melodies she had in her head which might or might not work, the others pitching their own ideas into the creation.

They had at least agreed on six songs, especially with both Alex and Michael finding songs that they refused to budge on, saying that both had to make the final EP list.

John had watched in amusement as they argued their cases for their picks to go on the list until Y/N had rolled her eyes at both of them and added them to the list, making both men pause. John chuckled.

“Don’t worry about that last spot, the record company agreed to seven anyway, which means you can still record the cover.” He reassured her and she relaxed a little bit. That then sent the two men into a mode of writing a list of songs that would make a potential album if she were ever to do one.

“With so many songs, and so many ideas, you might as well use this opportunity to get a tracklist for a potential album and maybe some demo versions. If you get picked up by a record label, if you’re prepared, you’ll shoot straight to the top.” Alex explained and she nodded her head.

“We made that mistake when we signed with Capitol. We only had an EP that we’d produced ourselves, but there was no album music. It took us another six months before we got there and it was in between tours. We realised fast, that anything we wrote or created need to be noted down as possibilities.” Michael continued and she found herself amused but understood the help they were offering.

So they continued through the songs, creating the tracklist as if she were making an album as well.

Eventually, time ran out for that day and Y/N stretched the kinks from her back as they stood up and exchanged numbers.

“We should be able to get that first beat tracked, and if you’re cool with it, could I bring a couple of friends who could help us with the rhythm on the last few songs? I’ve got a good beat but Ash is the only person who will be able to translate what I’m trying to explain.”

“Wait, you’re asking me?” The question had fallen from her lips before her cheeks flushed in shock. “Wait, sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound so rude---uh---the last person I tried to produce with, they just brought people in and honestly, it made me hate the song.”

Michael frowned at her words before shaking his head.

“No, no, don’t apologise. That’s why I wanted to ask your permission. You don’t just bring people in.” Her scoffed and she chuckled.

“I think I can trust you to make sure that the beats wont get lost in translation.” Almost immediately, the book was opened to a semi-fresh page, the words being written down in a margin.

The three males all laughed as she snapped the book shut.

“You’re a breath of fresh air. C’mon, I’m hungry and we need to get to know you as a person, not just this British artist who struck gold.” Alex slung an arm over her shoulder and the group left the studio.

She could feel her excitement build in her stomach in anticipation of the next four weeks.

As promised, Michael had roped in his bandmates, Calum and Ashton to help with the rhythm on a few of her songs and when Ashton managed to understand what Michael was trying to convey, she felt her heart soar as the song began to craft itself.

That was when she very quietly asked if they could re-record the song she’d lost love for.

John was immediately for it and the others couldn’t find a reason to say no, so they listened to the song.

“The tune is right, but there’s too much going on. It’s like they were trying to sabotage your work or attempt to make house music. Still figuring that out.” Ashton muttered, making her laugh .

“I think it was more sabotage than anything, but I felt that I could never release the song. They absolutely ruined the song which I loved so much and I just, didn’t know how to make it good again. But seeing you get what Michael was trying to say, I want to trust myself and my instincts and actually get across the sound I want.”

So it became another brainstorming session. Thankfully, this was a full studio day, so Ashton had her play the bare tune on the guitar, nothing else as he got a feel for the stripped back version.

Calum, as she played, plucked a few strings and suddenly this riff was born and they were all thankful that Michael had set his phone to record these sessions.

It was with relief when they’d tracked the music and Michael promised he’d work on it separately to the EP.

“Consider it a special release. It’s the one song you loved, so it gets to be a single.” He shrugged and suddenly it felt very real to her.

The time difference between her and Allie made it a pain occasionally, especially when she’d called Allie on the break they had and lost track of time to the point that one of the boys had to come out to get her, but they didn’t give her grief for it.

“It’s difficult when your loved ones are in a totally different timezone.” John had smiled after another apology fell from her lips. “We get it, so don’t fret.”

“It’s just, with this chance I’ve had, my girl went for the promotion offer they had and she managed to get it. So she wanted to call me before they headed out to celebrate.” This earned her soft smiles from the guys.

As they tracked the various parts, they began to ask Y/N questions about home which also led to questions about Allie.

“How long have you two been together?”

“We celebrate two years at the end of next month.” The grin had already worked its way onto her lips. “Doing this distance is difficult, it was bad enough when I was doing small tours as a support and she couldn’t come with me. But she’s been one of the biggest supports, even before we started dating.”

“What, so you were friends to lovers?” Alex teased and the answering grin made him laugh.

“We were. We were the real cliche couple and everyone both loved and hated us for it.” This drew laughter from the group.

“Well at least we know who to rely on for the cheesy one liners and love songs.” This earned a snort of amusement.

“Please, my love songs pale in comparison. I mean, Stella is the best love song out there.” This set the group off in laughter again as she got called up to track the guitar.

---

As the month carried on, Y/N was introduced to so many faces at various functions and small parties that the guys hosted.

They had taken her to one of the open mic nights, getting her up on the stage in front of a different crowd to see how people would react and they loved her.

Especially when Ashton streamed one of the songs on Instagram and soon her socials were gaining a lot of traction and that was when the pressure was beginning to get felt with producing the tracks.

There were both good and bad days, the good days outweighing the bad, but sometimes they used the bad days to fuel the more emotional songs and that was when things began to fall into place.

It was at the end of the month after their final day in the studio that Michael had called Y/N as she was packing.

“I know you’re probably packing up, but you’ve still got three days in LA before you fly home. The guys and I were wondering if we could have a small get together to celebrate this new born friendship in the hopes that you’ll remember us when you’re rich and famous.” This had her laughing.

“Give me a couple of hours. I’m waiting for a call from Allie. I’ll text you when I’m done, yeah?”

“Sure, I’ll pick you up from the hotel.” And before she could protest, the call was cut.

When Allie called, she found herself smiling at how soft her girl looked, settled in bed with the duvet pulled around her, tired eyes lighting up.

“Hi baby.”

They talked about the last few days of the studio, as well as how Allie was settling into her newest role. She told her about the party and that it felt strange that they’d included her in their friendship group but Allie giggled.

“You’ve got friends for life in them, I can see it. I can’t wait to have you back in my arms.”

“A few more days and I’ll be home. Listen, I know it’s getting late. Get some rest baby, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good luck with work.”

“You’re too sweet. Love you.”

“Love you too, night.”

The call cut and she lay back on the bed for a moment, a wide smile on her lips before she finally sent a text to Michael.

‘Just got off the phone to Allie. Give me a bell when you get here.’

It was easy to find some of the nicer clothes she had for get togethers, but she knew it was going to be more relaxed. So she kept it easy with black skinny jeans and a floral print dress shirt.

Keeping it simple with her hair down and light make-up, when Michael sent her the text  to say he’d arrived, she was ready to go. Making sure she had her keycard and phone, she headed down and found Michael’s car easily.

The drive to his place had been filled with easy chatter. They talked about the chances of radio play and touring.

“To have my own tour would be the goal, but I know I need to start off as a support. Build up the fanbase and get people excited for my music before doing something like that.” Michael laughed.

“Nothing wrong with being a support. We never had the experience of being support for various acts. We got lucky with One Direction and then we were doing our own shows and having other bands support us. It was crazy.” This had made the both them them laugh as he pulled up to his place.

“I remember. I’ve been a fan of the band for a long time.” She teased him with a laugh. “Although I wouldn’t say no to being a support act for Harry Styles.”

“I don’t know whether to be amused or offended.” His lips turned into a pout as they entered his place and heads turned to greet the newcomer.

“Y/N! Nice to see you finally made it. Why is Mike pouting?”

“Because I said that I wouldn’t say no to being a support act for Harry Styles.” She deadpanned before grinning.

“Ouch. You wound us all.” Ashton clutched at his heart, making her laugh as she accepted a beer from Calum and sat down.

“Have you heard his heavenly voice? Please. I would die every night on the tour listening to him sing.”

“You’re digging the knife in here, you’ve literally got at least three other bands sat with you and you’re talking about Harry Styles.” She laughed loudly.

“C’mon, I know y’all play his album. You can’t deny the truth.”

They laughed as the conversation settled into talks of the future for the bands and the shows coming up, as well as the finished music.

“What about you, Y/N?” Her reverie broke as she looked up at Alex’s question.

“Sorry, I missed what you asked.”

“What are your plans for the future career wise?”

“Hopefully get this EP out, maybe get some bookings. I’m gonna have to do a lot of gigging to keep up my end of the rent till the EP gets released and just hope that I get picked up for a couple of tours.”

“Allie holds the nine to five job then?” Luke queried and she nodded.

“She got lucky with the company she’s with. She’s done nothing but thrive, whereas I was barely struggling through each day at my old job. This came at the right time for me, and I’m a big believer in fate.” They lifted their beers in response to that.

“Well, that’s what we also wanted you around for.” Luke began, sharing a glance with his bandmates.

“We want you to join us for the entirety of the world tour.” Michael finished and she felt her jaw drop as her mind worked out the dates and the countries.

“Holy shit, are you serious?” She sucked in a sharp breath, placing the bottle down as she ran her fingers through her hair. “Are you really fucking serious?” This earned her a few chuckles.

“Absolutely. We managed to convince our management that you’d be a good opener for the tour. And we even gave them a firm reason why you’d be a good fit for the tour.” Michael continued the explanation before tapping away at his phone.

Suddenly, familiar guitar notes began playing through the speakers and a wave of emotion flooded her, tears falling as the song she had long hated, began to play and she felt her heart swell.

“Well done, you made her cry.” John joked as she hastily wiped at the tears as the song finished and she laughed.

“You helped bring life back into a song I thought I was going to hate forever. You don’t know how much this means to me.” She finally got out and Michael beamed.

“We played it to our management and they absolutely loved it. There’s an official offer coming your way, but we wanted to be the first ones to actually ask and then congratulate you.”

“How can I say no? Oh my god you assholes!” This set off more laughter as they lifted their bottles.

“To the best fuckin’ tour and the next number one artist.” Michael chimed and she could feel her face flush at his words.

“To Y/N!” Everyone else responded and she laughed as she took a swig of beer with them, realising how fast everything was going to change now.

---

When the official offer came through the next morning, she called up Michael and just let out a shriek of excitement before he’d even greeted her.

This led him to laughing as she tried to get her words out, but only could make incoherent noises over the phone.

“That offer is a fucking dream! Michael what the hell did you four do to convince them?” Her brain and mouth had finally connected, the stunned shock wearing off as excitement began to build .

“We didn’t do anything! And good morning to you too, sunshine.” She could hear the yawn and glanced at the time.

“It’s ten am, Michael.”

“I know. In my time, that makes it like, seven am.” He muttered and she laughed.

“I have so many questions about touring though, and what I should pack. Fuck, this is going to be nine months and I’ve only toured for two weeks at most. I haven’t even told Allie yet, or my parents. What about-”

“Stop, please.” Michael whinged down the phone, making her pause her tirade. “Give me till lunch and we’ll bombard Ashton’s place for a group meeting so you know what to expect on tour.” She let out a shaky breath as she regained herself, stopping the flow of questions that were desperately trying to escape.

“Alright. I’ll hold off from telling them. Uh, would-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pick you up. Just be ready by one.” She let out a noise of relief and Michael laughed.

“Thank you Mike, see you in a few hours.” The call was cut and her eyes returned to the contract, her eyes going over every last part of it as she tried to get it into her head that this was really going to happen.

“Holy fuck, they’re never gonna believe this.” She muttered to herself as she half flung herself on the bed before an excited squeal left her lips.

---

Michael was leaning against the car waiting for her and he grinned as she ran from the doors of the hotel, half flinging herself at him, arms winding around his neck. His arms wound around her waist as he pulled her tightly.

“Well that’s a greeting and a half.”

“You guys got me on a nine month fucking tour, majority of my merch profits staying with me and a fucking record deal. How?” She pulled back, her lips in the biggest grin he’d seen the entire trip.

“We just showed them you. It was all of your talent that did it. They were really impressed by your work ethic, you didn’t slack during the production of your EP and they think that you’ve got some serious potential. I swear to you, we didn’t even have any kind of say. We just told them that we wanted you on the tour with us. It was management who decided to put you with us for the entire tour. As your stuff gets out and people get to know who you are, they’re almost certain you’ll be performing at award shows.” He explained as the two of them got into his car.

“Please don’t tease.” She whispered in shock and he laughed.

“You’d deserve it. Those songs fucking rule. Have you talked a release date for the EP?”

“They wanted it released at the end of January but decided to release it in March, before we fly out. They want fans to have time to learn my stuff and really get excited. Fuck, if this goes in the direction that you’re telling me, I’m going to have some kind of heart attack.” Michael laughed.

“Simply speaking it into existence. Y/N is going to have a number one award winning single and album. She is also going to play at awards shows and get nominations for awards. Best newcomer definitely.” His voice grew louder and she laughed, tears in her eyes.

“That’s the dream right there.”

“It’s gonna happen.” He smirked at her before pulling into Ashton’s drive.

“Please, when you guys release your album, mine will pale in comparison.” This had the two of them grinning as they entered the house.

Despite the drive having quietened her initial excitement, she couldn’t stop herself when she spotted the guys and gave them the same reaction that Michael had received.

This earned laughter from all of them, including Alex and John who were stood away from the group. But that didn’t stop her from giving them the same treatment.

“You guys have literally made every dream come true in the last month. I don’t know how to thank you guys for it, like, this is such an opportunity and I have so many questions about touring for so long. The longest I’ve gone on a tour is two weeks, yet this is nine months, touring the world twice. Not to mention-” Michael’s hand shot out, covering her mouth and stopping her in her tracks.

Calum snapped a photo as they laughed.

“Will you relax. You’ve got the pros of touring for long periods to help you and the old timers who have their own tricks.” Luke commented, ducking away from the punch that John sent to his arm, only to find himself in a headlock with Alex.

“Watch who you call oldtimer, kid.” They seemed to collapse into the couch in a heap and whilst they playfully wrestled about, the others egging the pair on, Michael slowly moved his hand from Y/N’s lips.

“Breathe. We’re here to help you prepare for this because we recognise that it’s a big jump from doing small tours to the longest tour of your career which goes around the world twice.” She let out a breath of air before nodding and grinning at Michael as he slung his arm across her shoulders.

“Quit playing about, we have a nervous artist who is about to get chucked in with the sharks.” He called over the noise and both Luke and Alex seemed to finally still, Luke’s head now resting in Alex’s lap, making her giggle as Calum shoved Luke’s legs off the sofa and sat down.

Once they were all seated, she went over the list of questions she’d mentally prepared and found herself tapping her fingers together, the excitement and anxiety seeming to kick in.

Part of her was dreading the prep for tour.

“Equipment. They want me to have a touring band which I have no issues with. But with the kit and stuff, I don’t know what’s going to happen there.” John smiled at that.

“They’ve already got a touring band ready for you. Most artists have their own, but the label want people who are familiar with the longer tours. What will happen with your own kit, so guitar and piano as well as any extra strings and the like, they’ll get a date set up for pick up. You just need to be ready. Keep one guitar with you at least as a just in case.” He explained and Michael nudged her, nodding to his phone that was recording.

“Okay, so something more simpler. Packing. What the fuck do I pack?”

“Don’t bother with hair products. You’ll be sharing our stylist on that. For each country, pick out several stage outfits that can get packed separately. That way they’ll be taken to the venue with everything else.” Luke explained and she found herself nodding once more.

“Pack for every kind of weather. Doesn’t matter if we’re at the start of the Australian summer, the weather can be so unpredictable. Try to pack at least three cases. One for light weight summer type clothing, one for the heavier stuff, so jeans, jackets and the like. Then one for shoes, towels and necessities. It might seem a lot now, but as you’re on the road, you realise how quick you go through things.” Ashton added on and she let out a soft ‘oh’.

“This is going to seem like a lot to begin with,” Alex started, catching her attention, “but in comparison, this is a small start to the list. You’ll most likely come home with another two suitcases, which management will probably pay for so don’t fret about having to buy one on the road. You will literally be packing up the majority of your life and putting it in a suitcase to travel with you. And that’s going to be tough to do, especially with your girl waiting at home for you.”

She could feel her heart sink a little bit. Nine months away from Allie.

“I think that’s gonna be the hardest part. How do you deal with that?” Her eyes drifted to John and Alex, and the boys didn’t take offence to the slight snub.

“It takes time and patience. There are going to be days where all you’ll get are a quick five minute call because of time difference. And it’s shit. But she can always fly out for a few days on tour, or whilst we’re over in England she can come to the shows and travel with us. It’s about compromising your time. You both have super important jobs and it just means you’ve gotta work at it.” John explained and she ran her fingers through the ends of her hair, tugging slightly.

“I’m just worried. It’ll be the longest we’ve been apart.”

“It’s tough. But she’ll stand by you. But you’ve both got to talk it out, so any frustrations. Because when that builds up, that leads to arguments and then that’s when problems start happening.” Alex chimed in and she let off a soft sigh.

“Okay, so I’m guessing that’s basics of tour, what about time off?”

—

When Y/N landed back home, she’d never felt more relief flood her than the moment her arms were wrapped around Allie tightly, her lips against hers as she savoured the sweet moment of reunion.

“Hi baby.” Her voice was soft and sweet, and she felt her insides turn to mush.

“Hi. I’ve missed you.” Allie beamed, pressing another soft kiss to her girlfriend’s lips.

“Good. Your mum has already asked us to drop by for dinner tonight, so they can badger you about your time in LA. And I know you’ll be wide awake because of the time difference.” Allie teased her as they began the walk back to the car.

“Honestly, I could go on for days about how good LA was to me. Like, little old me, meeting all of the fuckin’ big wigs in the industry. I had Michael god-damn Clifford producing my EP and I formed a friendship with him? My teenage self combusted the second he shook my hand.” Allie laughed as they got her stuff into the boot of the car before they got into the car themselves.

The car journey back home from the airport was filled with Y/N prying information about their various friends whilst she’d been away as well as the promotion Allie had landed and the perks of the job.

Amidst getting the masses of washing done, and reconnecting after a month apart, it was as they lay in bed together, Allie’s finger tracing against the skin of her back that made her feel like it was a bittersweet moment.

But she couldn’t say anything just yet.

When the two had reached her mum’s place, questions came from every corner of the room it felt like, but it was when she laughed and held up her hands, she beamed at them.

“Let me tell you everything that happened. And then I have some news.”

She tried not to feel guilty at the stare that Allie gave her, recounting each moment of good, bad and downright embarrassing.

Y/N’s mum was particularly gleeful as she told them about the bigger names she’d met over there.

“My baby, all grown up with the best chance possible for her career!” This made her flush. Her mum had been one of her biggest supporters for her career choice and she could see the relief in her mum's face as she went on about the recording opportunity.

“The last day was kind of bittersweet in the studio, but the boys were so nice and even had a get together to celebrate the fact the songs were done. Michael had even fast tracked the productions of one of my very first songs.”

And she pulled her phone out, clicking play on the file that Michael had sent her a few days ago after playing it for her.

Watching the joy on her mum’s face warmed her heart, even if a few tears were shed in the process. Allie’s jaw was hanging slightly before a wide smile overtook her lips and she pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“I’m so damn proud of you.”

“That brings me to the surprise.” She murmured softly, her eyes travelling to each family member before settling on Allie.

“They want me to join them on their tour.”

“For the UK portion? Oh my god that’s amazing!” Her mum was gushing but Y/N shook her head.

“They want me on their entire tour. Around the world twice.”

No one was prepared for the scream of excitement that escaped her mum before she found herself being wrapped around by her family members. Her eyes were watching as it hit Allie and she could see the excitement die down in her girlfriends face, and she felt her heart sink.

“That’s nine months.” Allie whispered and she nodded her head, pulling free from her mum’s embrace.

“It’s going to be tough, but the guys have offered ways for us to still keep in touch. You can always fly out for long weekends and of course, we have the UK tour later in the year as well.”

“That’s going to be three quarters of the year, Y/N. It’s a lot.”

“Please, can we talk about it at home? They’ve given us options, ways to keep up with each other.” Her pleas seem to break through and Allie’s lips pushed up into a smile as she draped an arm over her shoulders.

“I’m still proud of you baby.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple and she relaxed.

“I love you.” Came the murmured response and they shared a soft, but sweet kiss before her mum started asking about the details of the tour.

—

When the New Year rolled in, the first single was released to the world and her voice was on chart shows across the world.

It took seven solid minutes for her to stop crying when the notifications came through along with the messages.

Michael had taken a short video of her song playing in the car and she felt like she couldn’t breathe for a moment because it was her song, a song she had hated so much but then fell in love with all over again. And it was being requested and played on American radios.

Allie was proud as punch.

They seemed to avoid the elephant in the room that was her leaving for tour in just over a month  and a half.

That was when she really began rehearsing, making sure the setlist was long enough for her time slot. It felt like the busiest days of her life, being shuttled to the big cities for radio interviews.

Her face seemed to be popping up everywhere and it felt like a dream when she received the news that she’d hit number one in thirteen countries.

That in itself had made her openly weep in the middle of her baking day with her mum as she got the news, her mum videoing and laughing at her reaction.

She posted it to her instagram with the caption ‘the moment you’re told that you’ve hit number one in thirteen countries and all you can do is cry in shock and joy.’ The reaction went viral.

Of course she then received the texts from the last producer, asking why he wasn’t getting a cut of the money from the track.

It was with great glee as she told him that it wasn’t his pile of shit on the radio. It was her song and no one else’s. She didn’t need to tell him that one of her favourite bands had helped record and produce the song.

When she received the pick up day for her equipment, that was when it was becoming very real. That was also when she convinced Allie to go clothes shopping with her for tour.

With the day creeping closer, she could feel the undercurrent that was restless between her and her girlfriend, but every time she tried to address it, Allie shut her down, seemingly ignoring the problem.

She spent as much of her free time with her friends, family and girlfriend until it was the night before and she was lay in bed, trembling from the fear of what the next nine months could bring.

A warm arm wrapped around her waist, a soft kiss being pressed against the back of her neck and she slowly relaxed herself. It would be fine.

“You’ve got this, baby. But you need some rest.” The soft whisper was enough of a plea for her to turn around and just allow herself to be held as she tried to relax enough so that she could get some sleep.

It didn’t work.

Saying goodbye this time was much more harder because Allie hadn’t been able to get the day off work to see her off. So it was a tearful goodbye between the two of them as they held each other in the doorway, Allie’s lips lingering a little bit longer before finally pulling away and smiling softly, despite her tears.

“You’ll be back over here soon enough. I love you my little rockstar. Go do what you’re best at.” By the time that Allie had left, she had to call her mum to pick her up.

Thankfully, her mum didn’t make any remarks on the tear tracks as they made their way to the airport. And once they’d checked in her bags, a weird sense of deja vu hit.

“Last time we stood here, I was going for a month. Now I’m going for nine.” She whispered and her mum held her tightly.

“You’re about to fly off and live your dream. I’m beyond proud of you for this, please don’t ever think otherwise. Now, you need to get going. You are not going to be leaving things last minute like last time.”

She laughed for the first time that day and it felt like a weight disappeared from her shoulders and she knew she’d be okay.

The flight wasn’t so bad.

She had a reasonable seat, and for the most of it, she slept. She knew she would probably regret it later, but at that point, she was beyond caring. She was so tired and the stress was sat on her shoulders.

She knew her equipment had arrived, she’d been sent the message from one of the tour crew who was already out there.

The next two weeks would be rehearsal with her touring band and then they were off on the first leg of the tour.

And that absolutely frightened her beyond belief.

She wasn’t expecting a welcome party at the airport, but she was amazed that fans were crowded around, calling her name out.

Security were quick to pull her back away from the chaos of arrivals and she could feel her adrenaline kicking in, her heart racing as she tried to comprehend that they were screaming her name. Hers.

“Ma’am we need to get you out of the airport as safely as possible. Do you have a ride waiting for you already?” She felt like a deer in headlights before the security officer lifted a hand, touching the earpiece sat in his ear.

“One of my colleagues has picked someone up who apparently says he’s partially to blame for the fans showing up. A Luke Hemmings?” Relief

“Yeah, I’m due to go on tour with his band in a couple of weeks, but I wasn’t expecting him to be here.” The guard laughed.

“It’s fine, but we need to get you both out safely. My colleague is bringing him through now.” And that was when she saw the blonde curls and laughed before throwing her arms around Luke’s tall frame.

He laughed as he pulled her into a tight hug.

“Figured you’d appreciate a familiar face. A lot of them were waiting for you, then I only added to the madness. You gonna be alright till we get out of here?”

“Gonna have to be. Can I use you a shield?” He laughed.

“Keep your hands on my shoulders and we’ll get you through. Is someone going to follow with her luggage?” The question was directed to the guard who nodded his head.

“C’mon then princess, time to face the fans and get you out of here. We’ve all been super excited to have you back.” He beamed as they began their journey.

The screams grew louder and she found herself shying away, using Luke as a shield and smiling nervously at the few fans she could see.

Once they were out of the airport and in the car, Luke took one of her trembling hands and squeezed.

“You did the worst of it. There’ll be more of us around in a couple of weeks to keep them from getting too overwhelming.” He explained and she simply nodded.

“It’s okay, it was just, wow. That’s a lot.”

“That’s America for you.” He shot back dryly, making her laugh.

“So what hotel have they stuck you in this time?”

“Uh, I don’t know. They never sent any details about that. I’m trying not to freak out about it, but like, I haven’t got that much to cover two and a bit weeks in a hotel.” Luke groaned.

“Did you call your manager?”

“Said it was being sorted. Heard nothing since.” Luke snorted before tapping away at his phone and the music died down as the ringing began to call through.

“Hemmings, you have two weeks before you need to start incessantly calling me.” A feminine voice broke through and he laughed.

“Hello to you too Luce. However I’m not calling for me. I’ve just picked up Y/N.”

“Hi Lucy.” She piped up.

“Y/N! Keely has been trying to call you, said something about Michael stepping in and saying that he could put you up for the two weeks.” She shot Luke a look and he shrugged.

“That’s cool. He say why or am I gonna have to try and find that out for myself?” She laughed.

“Said something about one of the songs for the album and it’s easier to work at his home studio and you won’t have to worry about driving around LA.”

“Cool. Thank you for letting me know. Tell Keely I say that I’m sorry I haven’t been able to answer my phone and I’ll see her next week.”

“Will do. See you next week Luke.” The call cut and he laughed as the music began to grown in volume once more.

“So, album huh?” At this he watched as her lips turned up into the widest grin.

“Alex, John and Michael helped me pick out a tracklist for a potential album. I’ve not had much time, but if we get some demos done, I can go to the record company and they’ll be able to work with the fact that I have got music coming, so they don’t need to breathe down my neck. Alex’s idea.” Luke laughed as he pulled into a drive thru.

“Why am I not surprised. What do you want? You’ve just landed, you’ve gotta be starving.”

After picking her favourites, Luke paid at her protest and smirked.

“It’s food. Shut up and deal with the fact that we do look after our friends. Also if it bugs you that much, you can just buy me dinner whilst we’re on the road.”

“A not date, considering we’re both taken then?” She teased in returned and he grinned.

“A not-date it is. Now we know where we’re going, let's get you to Michael’s to drop your gear off. I know the guys are wanting to head out but I also know that if you’re going to try and keep up,  you’re going to want to be in something that isn’t joggers and a baggy t shirt.” She pouted at the assessment.

“I won’t try to keep up, but no, I really do not need my first official night out to be photographed and I’m in my rattiest clothing pieces.” Luke snorted as they collected their food and headed back out once more.

As they pulled into Michael’s place, Luke helped her get her cases from the boot before he was leading her into the home.

“I’ve picked up a stray!” Luke yelled, making her laugh. “She’s cute and British.” He added after a second once they’d placed her bags at the bottom of the steps.

He placed his hands on her shoulder and practically frog marched her out to the back and she didn’t even get to say ‘hi’ when she was pulled into a tight hug.

“Hi Ash.” She laughed as she wrapped her arms around him in return.

“Hey yourself Y/N. Welcome back to LA, knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away.” He teased, pulling away and giving her a grin. She smirked in return.

“Just couldn’t stay away from this beautiful weather. Maybe one or two people. Go by the names of Gaskarth and Feldmann.” Calum snorted as he pulled her into another tight hug.

“I’m wounded, I didn’t even make it onto your list?” He pouted at her and she snorted.

“No, but Duke did.” This set the other boys off before Michael greeted her, his hug a lot more softer than the others, but still feeling as welcoming.

“I know I should’ve told you before you left England that you were staying with me, but I’d completely forgotten till Keely called me, yelling that she couldn’t get ahold of you. By that point, you were already well into the air.” She shook her head as she accepted a beer off Calum and sat down with them, enjoying the warmth of the LA afternoon.

“It’s fine. I’m just lucky that I’d texted Luke when I left. He decided to be my welcome committee.”

“Myself and like a hundred and more fans.” He shot back with a grin.

“That was strange. Especially when they were calling my name, like that felt so surreal. I didn’t really know what to do with myself.” They descended into laughter as she finished off the food that she and Luke had picked up on the way there.

The boys were discussing the various countries and Y/N could feel herself nodding off against Calum’s shoulder, the beer and warmth not helping her jet lag at all.

“C’mon Y/N. You need to get ready if we want to be out at a reasonable time.” Luke teased and she flipped him off before sighing.

“One of you boys want to help me get the cases upstairs?” Calum pushed himself off the seat and followed after her, picking up the heaviest of the three.

“You excited?”

“Scared.” She admitted quietly as they reached the guest room that Michael had directed her to.

“Why?” Once the cases were pushed against the wall Calum pulled her to the edge of the bed, taking a seat and pulling her next to him. She didn’t fight it, her entire body still feeling exhausted.

“This is the biggest tour of my life. Probably will be the biggest tour of my entire career. Allie wouldn’t even talk to me about the fact I was leaving, and I feel so overwhelmed.” After the quiet admittance came relief that she’d gotten it off her chest.

“It’s going to terrify the fuck out of you. Playing to so many people. When you’re ready to leave tonight, just give me a heads up and we’ll go. This is a lot to deal with on your first night out in LA with us.” She snorted out a giggle, resting her head on Calum’s shoulder.

“My life is an open book for people to read. I never knew it could be this terrifying to have so many people judge you.”

“It gets easier. I’ll let you get changed and then we’ll head out.”

It took a while before she felt like she’d picked an appropriate dress. And the whistles of appreciation she received made her bashful before laughing.

“It’s a good job I’m taken. Someone snap a photo for me please.” She held her phone out, Ashton taking it off her hands and capturing a few photos.

She sent them to Allie.

‘I know it’s late for you my love, but I hope I picked something you’d like for a nightclub in LA. Speak to you tomorrow.’

They split between two ubers, Ashton and Michael piling with Y/N in one, Calum and Luke taking the other as they made their way to the club.

Unsurprisingly, they could spot the paps easily.

“Can you drop us just around that corner mate?” Ashton called over and the driver nodded. Michael shot off a text to Luke and she could feel her hands begin to tremble.

“Holy shit this is a lot.” She murmured as they left the car, keeping out of sight from the paps.

“It’s going to be a lot. Keep your eyes forward and smile, try not to hide too much, they’ll try to make up some bullshit to start rumours.” Ashton explained quietly, rubbing the top of her shoulders carefully.

When Luke and Calum arrived they finally made a decision on how to go in.

“I’ll keep ahead, Y/N, don’t fall behind because they will swarm you. You’re the freshest face in the music charts and they’re going to eat this up that you’re out clubbing with us.” It was a relief that Ashton was taking charge, but her hands still trembled as she nodded in understanding.

“No falling behind. Cool. I’m going to hide behind Cal and Luke then.” Michael laughed

“C’mon, it won’t be too bad.”

As they made their way the short distance to the club, paps calling out their names and snapping photos, she could feel herself plaster a smile on for the photos, but there was another brief thought of how rude they were being.

“Who would you date from the boys of 5SOS?”

“Are you sleeping with any of them?”

“How did you get on this tour when practically no one’s heard of you?”

By the time she was in the club with them, she wanted to go back home. But she’d promised she’d stay out for a few hours and that was what she was going to do.

When the first round of drinks came in, she didn’t argue them buying her drinks. She knew this was their way of welcoming her back into their lives properly, especially since they were about to embark on a nine month tour that went across the world twice.

She danced and sang her heart out, laughing when Ashton stumbled over his own feet and Calum had caught it all on camera, laughing as he did so.

It was when the time crept towards midnight, despite the loud music, she had her head resting against Calum’s shoulder and her eyes were half shut.

“You ready to go, doll?” She nodded her head, the exhaustion hitting her like a freight train as Calum helped her stand up and she lost her balance almost immediately, her saving grace being that Michael was stood up and caught her before she hit the floor.

“How much have you had to drink?” He called over the music, she shrugged.

“Four, maybe five? Mostly tired.” She half shouted back and he grimaced before looking over to Calum.

“Got it mate. Uber is on its way. Do you want some help?” Michael shook his head as he pulled her arm over his shoulders, tugging her to the smokers area which was more secluded and less noise.

“We need to get back through the paps, but I need you to try and stay upright and walk by yourself. Can you do that?”

Calum looked at her, his eyes watching the way as she seemed to draw in some strength from somewhere as her back straightened up and she plastered on a big, but clearly tired smile.

“Lead the way. I’m ready to crash.”

Getting through the paps was easy, even if more questions were being yelled at them both.

But the second the uber was peeling away from the frenzy they left Calum to deal with, her head was resting on Michael’s shoulder before a soft snore escaped and he laughed quietly.

Unable to help himself, he snapped a selfie of the two of them.

When the Uber pulled up to his place, it took a few tries before he managed to pick her up carefully, her head nestled against his neck as he fumbled with the key and got them in.

It took him a further twenty minutes to get her up the stairs and set her down on her bed before finally trying to wake her up.

She wasn’t amused.

“Look, all I want is to make sure you get a reasonable amount of sleep tonight, and you sleeping in that dress wasn’t going to happen. You don’t need to do anything apart from get changed, that’s it.” He pleaded with her exhausted form.

“Fine.” Came the muttered response as she kicked her shoes off, standing up slowly and Michael disappeared to his own room to get changed himself.

When he returned to check up on her, he found his lips pulling back at the sight before him. She was passed out, half under the covers, hair splayed all over her pillow and a soft snore escaping once more .

He switched the light off before heading to his own bed, draining a glass of water before crashing out on his own bed, a sigh of relief escaping him as he melted into mattress.

When she woke up the next morning, a raging headache and exhaustion to boot, she tried not to think about how her stomach was rolling in ways that was sure to make her throw her guts up if she moved.

Michael had other plans apparently.

“C’mon sunshine. We’ve got breakfast and then we’re lounging in the sun whilst talking music. I’m not gonna make you work too hard after last night.” He’d stuck his head around the door and she groaned in return.

“I would call you the worst, but I feel like I drank too much last night.” She grumbled before pulling herself from her covers.

She made it two steps before she had to pause, the nausea hitting her hard and Michael snickered.

“I’ll be downstairs. The shower is easy to work, even in your state.” She flipped him off with her eyes shut, making him laugh as he disappeared downstairs.

It took her another five minutes to move again, and despite the way her stomach was rolling inside of her, the hot water did wonders for the headache that had formed.

Once she was changed into a clean shirt that didn’t reek of booze and some sleep shorts, the warm sunshine making it an easy choice for her, she headed downstairs.

“Looking worse for wear today then, Y/N.” A familiar voice greeted and she flipped Alex off before heading into the kitchen to find a plate of cooked food waiting or her. Grabbing a glass and filing it with water before picking up the plate, she followed the voices back into the living room.

“We not sitting outside?”

“I figured to give your eyes a bit of a break.” Michael smirked and she rolled them in response.

“Any glaring articles about the state I was in last night?” Alex grimaced.

“A couple. Of course there was the standard one about you possibly sleeping with Michael or Calum. They then corrected themselves when someone pointed out you were in a relationship with a woman.” This made her groan before she slumped over on the cushions.

“This is gonna be my life now, isn’t it?”

“Price you pay for dreams.” Alex teased and she groaned.

“Please, never quote your own song back at me. Ever.” Both he and Michael laughed before Michal pulled out his phone, clicking play on the audio file he pulled up.

The riff that came through his phone sounded good to her ears as she slowly ate her breakfast, mulling over the various songs that would possibly work with the tempo of the tune.

“I got this down the other day when we’d discussed the last few songs of the potential tracklist. I don’t think it’d work well on most of the songs, but the last two have potential for it, what do you think?”

She mulled it over as he played it again, her mind bringing up the familiar lyrics, humming them along softly.

“The last one would definitely work. Upbeat sound to maudlin lyrics.”

“Considering that’s your style. You do remember that you’ve got an EP being released in like, two days, right?” Alex prompted and it made her pause before she swore.

“I’d actually forgotten. Fuck.” This made all of them laugh as she slumped down onto the couch, throwing her arms over her face.

“I hate you all. At least they’re not making me do any promo before tour.” She muttered and Michael laughed.

“No, that’s gonna happen on the first round of the world tour. And then again on the second leg, but with us promoting as well.”

“Fuck.” She whined softly.

“C’mon, you’re finally getting music out and people will be able to sing along!” Alex encouraged her and she let out a deep breath of air before nodding her head.

“That is true. Plus it means the fans will be able to sing the lyrics if they actually like my music.”

“Number one, just watch.” Michael smirked and she rolled her eyes as they returned the the songs in front of them.

—

Meeting her touring band was nerve wrecking. It was the first official rehearsal with her apart of the group.

She greeted her guitarist, Ellie with a relieved smile when she practically pulled her into the room and introduced her to the other two.

Sat behind the drums, tightening the snare up, was Rich who gave her a soft smile as he shook her hand warmly.

Tuning the bass up was Cara, her own lips twisted into a brief smile before she returned her attention to the instrument in her hands.

“When they told us we’d be doing a nine month tour for a new artist, we were slightly skeptical. But knowing that it’s you, and the tour we’re going on, it’s actually really exciting.”

“Christ Ellie, let the girl actually set up. The record company sent through the transcripts of the songs, so we’ve been rehearsing them for the last two weeks. We’re hoping that now you’re here and settled, we can get the full sound of them.” Rich broke in and she nodded, a bright grin crossing her lips.

“There’s only one song on the setlist that I don’t need you guys for, so it’ll give you a chance to get a drink and stuff whilst we’re up on stage. Are we doing a few songs each day or trying to get as many as possible in the next two weeks?

Cara laughed.

“We’re looking to get the songs right so we’re going over two different songs every day this week, then next week it’ll be run throughs of the setlist. Don’t fret rockstar, we’re here to help you.” Cara’s words made her cheeks grow warm as she laughed.

“Thanks. It’s just-”

“Surreal? Yeah, we guessed it would be. That’s why we’re trying to make this as smooth as possible.” Ellie cut in and she could only feel a flood of relief as they began to go over the songs.

The next day, her own rehearsing went to a grinding halt as she remembered that the EP had been released and she’d forgotten about it in the rush of the rehearsals.

So instead of rehearsing, they played the EP through the speakers and she could feel her heart in her chest as each song came to life in the small rehearsal space.

What she didn’t expect was for the space to get gatecrashed by Michael and Alex.

“You’re climbing the charts!” He’d thrust his phone in her face and she watched, breathless as her EP climbed up the chart with each refresh and she could feel tears in her eyes.

“Holy shit, this is actually real. Fuck, these are my touring bandmates.” She felt the embarrassment rise as she introduced Ellie, Rich and Cara to Michael and Alex.

“I think we’re not going to get anything done. We might as well call it quits today and celebrate the release.” Rich laughed and Y/N groaned.

“C’mon, we’ve gotta celebrate this!” Alex whined and she shot him an unimpressed look in return.

“You just want an excuse to daytime drink.” She shot back and he grinned back unapologetically.

“Of course.”

It felt surreal as they packed up the equipment and hustled her out of the rehearsal space and into the passenger seat of Michael’s car. When she looked around to see where the others were, she spotted Alex talking to the other three as Michael got in on the drivers side.

Alex slid in the back moments later and then the car was off and away from the studio space.

“What are you two up to?”

“Nothing.” Came from both of them, sounding ar too innocent for the grins they were both wearing. But she didn’t argue with them as they seemed to go on a long detour. She was familiar with the route to all of their places, but as Michael turned down another street, it took her a solid moment to realise that they were rapidly approaching Ashton’s house.

As they got out of the car, she shrieked in surprise as a pair of hands covered her eyes.

“Sorry, but it’s a surprise.” Came Alex’s voice and she groaned as a pair of softer hands took hold of hers and began to guide her.

“You two are so dead.” She grumbled as she stumbled up one of the steps.

“There’s a step there Y/N.” The grin in Alex’s voice was clear.

“So so dead.”

She could hear the door open and it felt too quiet as they went a few steps further in and when Alex ripped his hands away from her eyes, she jumped.

“Surprise!” Collective yells made her heart freeze for a second before she took in the decoration.

‘Congrats on the EP release!’

And the various faces of her friends and the people she’d worked with. And the new faces of Ellie, Cara and Rich, all three wearing smug grins.

Ashton was stood off to the side slightly, his smile seemingly widest of them all.

“You assholes, oh my god.” She turned to hug Michael and Alex, making them both laugh. They returned the hugs and the sounds of her EP began filtering through the speakers, her entire body feeling like it was buzzing as she went around and began to greet the various people.

It felt semi-professional, but most of the people here were people who she’d befriended, apart from the few management executives who had congratulated her on the release.

It was later on in the afternoon, most people still hanging about, the party having spilled out to the garden to enjoy the sunshine when John came sauntering in with the laptop, a smug grin on his face.

She didn’t realise that Ashton was recording as John sat next to her.

“Take a look.” Was all he said turning the laptop to show her the screen.

Her heart and stomach dropped as she scanned the screen, feeling the overwhelming sensation bubble up as her hand went to her lips, covering her mouth.

“No fucking way!” Her voice went up an octave and John laughed.

“Number one in twenty six countries.” She was off her seat, practically bouncing.

“That’s double of what the single made!” This time she really was jumping around, her excited squeals drawing in the attention from the various people as she pulled both Michael and Alex up from their seats.

“Number fucking one in twenty six fucking countries!” This time laughter rippled at her reaction and she hugged them both tightly. “You’ve literally made my dreams come true, holy shit.”

“I told you Y/N. I spoke it into existence.” Michael shot back in a smug tone and she shoved his shoulder before she was dancing around once more, unable to help herself before throwing herself back into the seat next to John, her eyes taking in the figures once more.

“I got number one back home. Oh my god.” This time the tears were falling and John chuckled, pulling her into his side.

“You did that, kiddo. People are absolutely loving your music. If we’re not careful, you’ll be on your own world tour before long.” This made her laugh.

“Let me get through this one first!

---

The aftermath of the EP release was insane to her. She was getting more recognised on each trip out and her families reactions were beyond her wildest imaginations.

With the help of social media, she heard the clip of her mum being called by Radio 1, the host asking her about how she felt about it all.

“At first I was skeptical. My little girl off to LA by herself. But I’ve always supported her perusal of music and seeing how much it’s paid off, oh god I could cry again.” She’d felt her heart utterly melt at that.

“So you must be very proud of Y/N right now?” The host prompted and her mums laugh filtered through her ears.

“Proud as punch. My baby girl is dominating the charts and even the ladies at work are listening to her music, even when they all told me it’d be a waste of time. I felt rather smug telling them that the song they were listening to was hers.” This made the host laugh, herself included.

“Well, you keep having your proud mama moment. We’re playing your girls song right now. Here is Y/N’s latest single.”

It was a dream come true.

She’d facetimed her family back home and her heart burst when she saw Allie with them, dancing and singing along loudly as the album blasted in the background. She knew she was so so lucky to have their support and seeing that warmed her heart.

It kept her going through the rehearsals as they got through each song.

As the last day got closer and the last of their equipment was shipped out, she found herself very relieved that she had people who knew the tour life like the backs of their hands.

They’d toured together before, so they knew each other well enough, so getting to know them and their habits was going to take time for Y/N, but she settled in nicely into the group.

Her calls to Allie had been sparse and often it was Allie calling her when she woke up for work just as she was finishing up in the rehearsals.

“Do you even leave that space?” She’d teased during the first week of rehearsals.

“Till we get this right, no.” Came the sarcastic response followed by laughter.

She was understanding to the fact that she was so busy that her days meant there wasn’t much time to really call, but they continued to text daily, photos being sent to each other of what they were doing.

She was often seeing something that reminded her of Allie and sending it to her.

When it came to tour day she sent one text to Allie, despite the fact that she knew she was in a meeting.

‘Hope this doesn’t disturb your meeting, but then again you’re smart and remember to put your phone on silent. Anyway, we’ve got flights ahead of us today with some layovers so I won’t be able to text much or call you today, but I hope you have a good day and I love you.’

Michael had hustled her out of his house once they’d gotten all of their cases piled into the hired van. The other three were already in, those two being the last to get picked up. Ellie, Rich and Cara had promised to meet them at the airport.

It was early, so there weren’t many fans at the airport. There were paps, waiting for them to arrive, but that was the only commotion they had to deal with.

They met up with the other three and slowly got their stuff checked in. Whilst they were waiting, Calum had slung his arm across her shoulders as her phone went off, her lips pulling up into a big grin at the message.

‘Meeting was a bust. Could’ve had my phone and they wouldn’t have noticed. Idiots. Anyway, tell those boys to look after you, I know you’re not good on long haul flights. Have a safe journey and tell me all about it when you’ve landed and settled. Love you too, my little rockstar.’

“You can tell her we’ve got your back.” Cal murmured and she laughed, jabbing her elbow into his side playfully.

“I’ll tell her you were reading over my shoulder as well as that.” She shot back in return. He simply grinned as she tapped away at her phone before her name was called.

Once they were past security and on the plane, that was when the nerves began to set in and Calum chuckled from his spot next to her.

“I can see what Allie meant about you not doing well on long haul flights.” He teased her playfully and she scowled in return.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up. You’re the one sat next to me for the entire trip.”

Luke snorted from behind them.

One layover and a nap on Calum’s shoulder later, they were in Stockholm and fans were waiting for them at the airport. It was easy to navigate and once they were all piled in vans to take them to the first venue, it began to feel very real, especially with the cold weather biting into her skin, making her shrug her jacket closer.

“Told you to wear warmer clothes, Y/N.” Ashton teased as the van peeled away from the airport.

“I’ve got two jackets on and I’m still cold. Shut up.” Came the snarky reply, making the others laugh.

The journey to the hotel was long, but the van warmed up eventually and before they knew it, they’d arrived. With the cold air, it became a competition between the eight of them to get in from the cold quick enough.

It was late in the day and despite having slept on the plane, they got into their various rooms and despite the plan to head out for food, Y/N crashed out after sending a quick text to Allie.

The next morning was busy.

There were interviews scheduled for various members of the band as well as Y/N.

By the time that it got to showtime, it was a bubble of excitement that seemed to explode in jittery nerves and Ashton laughed when he stopped by her dressing room.

“C’mon you lot, you’ve got stage in half an hour.” Ashton wrapped his arm around her shoulders and the others grabbed the last few bits they needed.

“First show of tour is always stressful, but you’ve got this. Now let's go bug the rest of them. I’m pretty sure your pre-show jitters will irritate Calum or Michael. I want to make a bet on who it irritates first.”

The rest of the band laughed as they followed after the two.

It was Calum who they managed to annoy first, his body laying across her legs to stop them from bouncing up and down.

“You’re making me feel nervous and I haven’t felt nervous in years.” He grumbled as the rest of them laughed.

It settled the nerves for her as they distracted her with talk of the various interviews that were going to be coming up.

Eventually they were called to stage and the boys followed behind, watching side stage as she stepped onto the stage and the crowd began to scream.

“Lets go Stockholm!”

The adrenaline rush felt incredible as she sang and danced her way through the set, her amazement at the crowd screaming the lyrics back to her.

“You all sound so god damn beautiful. My name is Y/N and I’ll see you all next time!”

As they finished the final song and left the stage, they were all greeted with yells of excitement and hugs from the boys as they congratulated them.

“You’ve really got them going! Tonight is going to be fucking fun.” Michael was beaming at her and she grinned in response.

“I can’t fucking wait for the rest of the tour. Listen, you go get ready, I need to help pack up and I’ll be watching side stage, I promise!” He pulled her in for one more hug before he followed after the boys to get ready and she headed back onto the stage, helping the team pack away her set.

Fans screamed her name and she waved to them as she did the last few jobs, making sure that her equipment was packed and secure before throwing the setlists into the crowd and disappearing with another wave.

She felt more alive than she’d done in months and as she watched 5 Seconds of Summer take the stage for the first night of the tour, she understood how they’d managed for so long.

—

Having Allie join them for the Paris and London dates of the first part of the tour felt wonderful.

She got to introduce her to every one and spending the night with her in Paris after the show was practically a dream.

They shared soft kisses in front of the Eiffel tower, Andy catching the sweet moment between the two and it was later on the bus, wrapped around Allie as it made the journey under the chanel did they finally talk quietly, aware that Ellie, Rich and Cara were all asleep.

“It feels so nice to actually spend some time with you.” She hummed softly and Allie smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I know. The next few months are going to be long though.” She could see that saying those words pained her, but Y/N pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder.

“They are. But this is going to be worth it for both of us, I promise.”

“Oh don’t I know it, number one in twenty six different countries.” Allie hummed in return, laughing as she ducked her face away in embarrassment.

“Are you leaving straight after the show tomorrow?” The shy question made Allie pause, her eyes searching her girlfriends face at the question before shaking her head.

“No. You have me tomorrow night too.”

“Good.” Allie chuckled softly.

“Get some rest, you’ve got interviews tomorrow and you need to look your best.” Allie hummed softly, her fingers tracing down the her spine. The yawn that escaped Y/N’s mouth made Allie grin as she settled down.

“Fine. Love you.” It wasn’t much later till she’d fallen asleep and a sigh escaped from Allie.

“Love you too.”

London was busy from the minute they got off the bus. Allie travelled with her to the radio stations in London that she had interviews with and they spent a night in the hotel before she caught the early train back home and Y/N was on a flight back to America, her heart feeling the heaviness of leaving her once more.

“It’ll get easier, I promise.” Luke nudged her shoulder and she gave him a relieved smile as the plane took off.

She wanted to believe Luke’s words, but part of her was worried and stressed over how long she’d be gone. It was going to be the longest without seeing Allie and it frightened her to an extent.

But she knew that she could trust that with the help of technology, speaking to her and facetiming her would make it more bearable at least so it wasn’t just her counting down the days till she was home once more.

The next few days were busy and long. Interviews in each new city before playing a show and then straight on the bus to the next place.

When they arrived in New York, Michael pulled her out of her funk.

“C’mon. You’re coming with us to the interview and then we are going to ditch those three loser and spend the day in New York City.” She barely had time to grab a coat and her backpack as he pulled her from the bus.

She shot off a quick text to Cara.

‘Apparently I’ve been kidnapped by a crazy person named Michael. Should be back to get a decent amount of sleep tonight, don’t worry if i’m not. Enjoy NYC.’

It was whilst she was sat in the car with the boys that she got a text back.

‘Have fun and if u don’t visit the statue i will be very disappointed in ur lack of tourist excitement’

It was fun to watch them get interviewed, and even though the interviewer had pointed her out, in an attempt to coax her into answering a few questions, she smiled and shook her head.

By the time the group were done with the interviews, Michael all but dragged her from the building and they got into a separate car and it felt good to have the distraction as they finally exited the car and began to wander the streets of New York together.

“Part of me feels like I need to be singing ‘Welcome to New York’ or maybe even ‘New York, New York’. And I’m not sure people will really enjoy my awful Frank Sinatra impression.” Michael laughed as they ventured through the various stores that lined the streets.

“I’m almost certain if you did a cover of New York, New York, it would still be amazing. And knowing you, you’d put your own spin on it and people would be falling in love with you left, right and centre.” The playful tease made her giggle as they found themselves in a thrift store, holding up the various items of clothing against each other to see if it would suit the other.

It certainly made the hole in her heart feel easier to deal with as she giggled at the silly hats they put on with the outrageous jackets that they found.

A few finds that were good, they purchased and eventually after raiding almost every rack, they left the store and her mood was swinging up as they continued their exploration of New York City.

It wasn’t difficult to visit the Statue of Liberty. There were a few fans about who were polite enough to the both of them and as they continued throughout the day, meeting fans here and there before heading back to the busses, when she checked her phone, she saw a text from Allie waiting for her.

‘Just saw a photo of you in New York, hope you’re enjoying yourself love, I know I would be.’

‘Still missing you, love. But distraction makes it easier I guess. I hope you’re having a good day.’

When they reached a small pizzeria, the debated on a large slice or a whole pizza to take back.

“I say get a couple of pizzas. They’ll appreciate the food and less likely to be annoyed with the fact we ditched them all for the entire day.” She’d remarked casually and Michael nodded, relaying the order for the two pizzas to go.

When they returned to the busses, they were met with raised eyebrows until they both held up the pizza boxes.

‘Pizza party on the 5sos bus.’ She’d sent the text to her touring bandmates and within five minutes they were climbing onto their bus.

“We heard there was pizza?” Ellie called as they stepped on. Calum laughed before motioning to the two large pizzas sat between the five of them.

“Join in. Looks like it’s a party night tonight then.” This made them all laugh as they cracked out a game of Cards Against Humanity and Y/N very quickly realised that touring with all these wonderful people was certainly the best thing to help distract from a missing piece in her chest.

---

Halfway through the tour, she was excited because Allie was joining the tour for a couple of days. It annoyed her to no end that she couldn’t get more time off, but she’d take two days over nothing.

The only problem was that her flight landed whilst she was performing. Michael had offered to go and pick her up from the airport, but Allie had declined and so it left her frustrated and somewhat annoyed. But she’d get to see her girl.

The boys were half way through their set when she turned up with only a backpack over her shoulders and Y/N couldn’t help herself as she wrapped her arms around Allie, her lips meeting her girlfriends.

“Holy shit I’ve missed you.” She murmured and Allie hummed in response.

“Missed you too.”

They enjoyed the set together, Allie standing a bit further away than Y/N would’ve liked but she knew that Allie was never comfortable with things like this. The show ended and she pulled her backstage, giving the boys a chance to finish their encore as the two of them lounged quietly in the greenroom.

But this silence, whereas before it was always comfortable, she could notice that something had changed, but didn’t dare comment on it.

When the guys came in from the stage, they greeted Allie enthusiastically and talked about maybe going out for a late dinner followed by a few drinks. She was enthusiastic, Allie less so as she half -heartedly agreed to join.

The journey to the hotel was filled with scattered chatter, mostly the boys asking Allie about what she did and if this was the only time she’d get off.

Y/N should’ve realised when she didn’t outright answer, something was wrong.

Once they were in the hotel room, before she could do or say anything, Allie held her hands up.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Y/N’s entire body froze as she felt her heart crack.

“What---what do you mean?” Allie grimaced before sighing.

“I met someone else. It’s not fair on you to keep it up when I don’t love you anymore.” There was the shatter as she sucked in a deep breath.

“Get out.”

“Please, Y/N, I just didn’t want to lie to---”

“I said get out.” The last word rose an octave and the tears were burning in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” The door clicked shut and once it shut, she could feel her heart shatter with a resounding crash as tears fell and a sob broke through.

‘I’ve just seen Allie leaving, you okay?’ The text came through as she allowed herself to collapse on the bed, sobs tearing from her throat as she tried to focus on something other than the pain in her chest.

But she couldn’t. Nothing had given away that this was coming. They’d been together for nearly three years and this was what was left to show for it.

It took a while before she heard frantic knocking and for a second, she almost deluded herself into believing that Allie was coming back, that she was apologising, that she was joking.

But the second the door opened and she and saw Michael’s concerned face, reality hit her hard and she found herself being bundled into his arms as another sob tore from her.

He pulled her into the room, shutting the door tightly before sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Y/N, what happened?”

“She---she left---said---didn’t---love---found---someone---” She couldn’t get her words around her tears and sobs and Michael’s heart shattered for her.

“Lie down, let me text the boys to say that we’re not going out tonight.” She curled on her side almost immediately, her fingers pressing against her chest, almost wishing it would ease the pain she was in.

It didn’t.

Michael sent the text off to the boys, hoping they would understand that she couldn’t go out, not like this.

Thankfully, they were understanding and promised to come back with ice cream for her and something to eat later. Michael climbed in behind her, his arms wrapping around her as she turned and pressed her face against his chest, the sobs slowing down as his fingers ran through her hair slowly.

“It hurts so much.” She finally whispered. He could only hold her tighter in response.

“It’s going to. But it’ll get easier. They boys promised to bring you some food and ice cream. Do you think you’d be up for that?”

She wasn’t sure she could answer. Part of her wanted the company, part of her wanted to wallow in the heartbreak that her chest was feeling.

“Just, no rom-coms. Give me comedy, hell, give me Jeff Goldblum.” Michael snickered as she settled herself closer, trying to shove the pain away for just a moment. But no matter what, it sat there, along with her tears.

“I’m sure we can do that. We’ve got time before they get here. Let it out.”

And she cried.

---

The boys understandably had given her the time to cry, and on the next night of tour when she realised the song she had to play, she felt her stomach drop as she soundchecked it, fighting the tears as her voice grew thick with emotion.

“That was her song, huh?” Ashton commented quietly and she nodded. He pulled her into a tight hug.

“Try to perform it tonight. If you can’t get through it, we’ll help you pick another song.”

And so she tried.

But it was clear that she couldn’t, her voice wavering before the end and she pulled away from the mic as the crowd sang her words back to her, the pain becoming too much for a second as a few tears fell.

Once the song finished and she could stop playing for a second, she wiped her eyes, taking in a deep breath. Michael was stood side-stage, hidden as he gave her a supportive thumbs up, Ashton doing the same, both wearing encouraging smiles.

“Sorry for that guys, but it looks like you’ll be the last lot to hear that song for a while.” At the disappointed noises, she gave a tentative smile to them.

“Unfortunately, my heart got broken last night, and this song---it’s tough. Maybe one day I can sing it as an ode to you all, but today isn’t that day. On we march, however.” And the crowd understood.

They sang back to her, almost louder and when she finished her set, the pain in her chest was still there, but it wasn’t the sharp stabbing sensation. It was like an old wound had been reopened, or at least, that was what it felt like. She knew that it wouldn’t pass this easily, but she felt her heart lift with love for the fans that sang her songs back to her.

She watched the boys set from side stage like always and greeted them as they finished their encore.

Michael slung his arm across her shoulders as they headed back to the greenroom, chatting about everything and nothing as they each went to their phones.

She hadn’t had a chance to change Allie’s name in her phone yet, but seeing the name made her breath catch for just a second.

‘So you made it all about you. Of course. Good luck in any future you find, don’t contact me again.’

There was the blow she’d been waiting for, the knock out that literally took her breath away as she tried to gasp for air.

She hadn’t even registered that she was sat on the floor, being coaxed to follow someone’s instructions. Her mind couldn’t separate, but she understood the words, following the motions before the steel bands that had a vice grip on her chest loosened up to the point of being able to breathe with ease once more.

“Y/N, what happened?” Michael asked quietly.

“Look at my phone.” She whispered in return and there were muttered voices before a phone was passed to Michael and he read the notification.

She fought down the nausea and the lightheadedness, closing her eyes for a second as tears slipped out.

“What did I do wrong?” Their hearts broke for her then. They were barely three months into the nine month world tour.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. She knew what was going to happen whilst you were on tour. We all told her it was going to be tough on both of you. Either she didn’t listen or she didn’t care. But that’s not on you.”

She wanted to believe him, but the thoughts were there.

“C’mon. We’re going to help you re-do your entire setlist. Unlock your phone.” She did as she was told, her fingers hovering over the message icon.

Before she could do anything, Michael pulled her phone out of her hands, throwing it to Luke who was furthest away.

“Delete the message and number.” She watched in amazement as Luke did what was asked and showed the clear screen of her name.

“It’s a good job I actually get on with you guys.” She finally grumbled, making Michael smirk, pulling her from the floor.

“That’s why we did it. Means you can’t drunkenly text her or fool yourself. Now. Setlist.”

Y/N felt grateful that someone was taking charge and helping her. She wrapped an arm around Michael’s waist, squeezing it gently.

“Thanks Mikey.” She finally whispered and he gave her a soft smile in return.

“We have each other as a band to lean on. You have only yourself. It’s only fair that we help you through a really shitty time, especially when we’re not even halfway through the tour yet.”

The rest of the night, she stayed sober as they went out and danced, Michael having a few drinks but mostly keeping her company as she watched everyone else chatter away.

It was the start of a very long journey.

---

It wasn’t often that Y/N found herself scrolling through social media. Especially after the breakup, there were those that seemed to think that she needed to know about what Allie was doing.

She tried to ignore it most days, but it seemed that as she scrolled through the notifications, mindlessly replying to some fans on twitter, she felt her heart drop when she saw the tweet which included a photo of Allie with another woman.

She found herself studying the photo, her heart twisting as she realised it was a screenshot of her instagram.

Wiping the tears away when she realised that she’d been crying, she finally noticed the time and decided to head into the venue. There was still time before soundcheck, but part of her wanted to just play.

Grabbing her backpack, she pulled the hoodie tighter and stepped off the bus, immediately being greeted with excited yells and calls of her name.

Waving hesitantly to the few who had spotted her, she made her way over to the barriers, taking photos with the fans, pushing a smile on her face as she gave hugs and chatted about the tour.

“How are you doing on tour?”

“Doing good. My family love receiving postcards from the places we stop in. The guys think its hilarious that I do it, but it’s memories that they get to keep as well. My mum especially gets so excited each time I send her a postcard.” This earned laughter. She posted the videos that her dad sent to her of her mum reading the postcards she sent, the excitement tangible when she watches the videos.

“Do you miss home much?” Another fan asked as she posed for a selfie.

“I miss my family, yeah. England? Not really. I’m slowly finding my home in LA, it’s warm, I’ve made close friends with a lot of people and despite sticking out like a sore thumb, I feel more comfortable there than I ever did in England.”

“Is it because of Allie?” Her heart ached as she glanced at the watch on her wrist.

“Because of her I don’t miss home? No. Even when we were together, I missed her, but I didn’t miss home. I’ve gotta run for soundcheck, but I hope you guys enjoy the show tonight.” She pulled away from the group, half smiling at the disappointed noises before making her way into the venue.

Heading to the dressing room where Ellie was already set up, she picked up the acoustic as she dropped her bag down.

“I’m gonna head out and check the guitar. Mess about before we actually sound check.” Ellie nodded.

“Sure, want me to come with?” She hesitated before nodding.

“Yeah, if you want. I’m not adverse to some company right now.” Ellie picked up her phone and followed after Y/N, the two navigating the corridors with ease. They stopped by the boys dressing room.

“Heading to mess about before actually soundchecking.” Luke pushed off the seat, followed by Michael.

“Can we tag along? Before we kill Ashton and Calum.” She tossed the two a curious look, both holding innocent faces.

“Whatever you’re planning, keep me out of it and don’t even think of pulling any kind of prank on me.” She warned playfully and they both gave her matching looks of offence.

“We’ve done nothing!” Ashton called out as she pulled away from the door.

“Not yet, at least.” She called back, laughter erupting from the room before it fell quiet as Luke and Michael followed the pair.

“I’m gonna practice a cover, I probably won’t play it on tour but my hands are itching.” She explained to Ellie who chuckled.

“You been hit with inspiration to write or just play?”

“Play I think.” Came the quiet reply and Ellie nodded in understanding.

“Sometimes it’s good just to play whatever you can to feel the music.” Her arm went across Ellie’s waist for a brief moment, giving her a small squeeze.

“Thanks.”

As they reached the stage, Y/N ditched the guitar, immediately heading to the piano, making Luke laugh.

“Can we not request Wonderwall?” Came the tease as he sat next to her. She stuck her tongue out as she checked it was still tuned before finding the right key.

Ever since they’d released Youngblood, one song had stuck to her tightly and she knew that playing it would help her let it go. But this was their song.

Both Michael and Ellie were sat on the drum riser, talking quietly.

“Sorry if I butcher this.” She muttered before hitting the few chords and Luke’s face immediately recognised the song.

“I saw you looking brand new overnight, I caught you look too but you didn’t look twice. You look happy, oh, you look happy.”

It was therapeutic as she played, missing only one of the keys as she sang. What she didn’t expect was Luke to harmonise with her throughout, letting her lead the song.

As the last note echoed out, her fingers still resting on the keys, he placed a hand over hers.

“You saw, huh?” She could only nod, pressing her eyes closed for a second to stop the tears from building up.

“The song has been itching at my fingertips, but seeing that, I needed to let it out because part of me feels like my chest wants to burst.” Voicing it outloud made her shoulders release slightly, dropping down a little bit as her eyes finally opened and glanced at Luke who wore and understanding smile.

A pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders and neck, a head coming to rest on top of hers. The tattoos gave away that it was Michael.

“How do you feel after playing it?” His voice was quiet, but she could hear the understanding in his voice and it felt like her chest was on fire.

“Better. Less likely to fuck up.” This made Ellie laugh as she gently shoved Michael, his grip loosening as he dramatically stumbled away, only to stumble over one of the wrapped up chords, making the three of them laugh as he hit the stage floor.

“You guys are assholes.” He muttered as he stood up, brushing off his trousers.

“You’ve only just figured that out? Wow, we managed to hide it so well Ellie.” Her voice took on the tone of surprise and Michael snorted as she moved from the piano, plucking the guitar from the stand.

“You two want to stick around for the actual soundcheck?” Ellie asked them as she picked up the second guitar, waving briefly to Cara and Rich as they reached the backstage.

“Only if you play Wonderwall.”

“Not on your life, Hemmings.” Rich called back before reaching his drum kit which sat in front of the riser.

They stuck around for the soundcheck before heading back to get dressed for their own soundcheck.

There was a sense of freedom as they soundchecked their last song and she could feel her body dancing along with the beat of the music. This made both Cara and Ellie laugh as they finished up the song.

Cara wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“You’ll be alright, I promise. Now c’mon, we need to get moving and get some food. Who fancies some lovely burgers?”

As they headed out to grab some food, Y/N found herself checking through Instagram.

As she refreshed the feed, her eyes focused on the fact that Michael had posted whilst they were soundchecking and to her shock, it was her and Luke sat at the piano.

“El, please tell me you did not encourage him to do that?” Her whine made the other three laugh, Rich patting her shoulder from his spot next to her.

“You learn fast that no one can really say no to her pout.” He teased and as if to almost prove his point, Ellie pulled a spectacular pout that made her feel bad for even making the comment.

“I didn’t have to encourage him. I was going to, but then I could see he was already posting it to Instagram. So I left it. Plus you were having a moment so I didn’t really want to ruin that.” The four of them laughed.

She clicked the unmute button, and her voice began to croon through the phone speakers.

“It’s three am and the moonlights testing me. If I can make it till dawn then it won’t be hard to see, I ain’t happy, oh. I ain’t so happy. Flashing back to New York City, changing flights so you’d stay with me. Problem was, I thought I had this right.”

She scrolled a little further as her own voice with Luke’s harmonies continued filtering through her phones speaker and she felt her heart skip a small beat at the caption from Michael.

‘The best kind of compliment for us to get is knowing our music is helping people. Seeing someone who I’ve been working with from day one, pay us this compliment in such a beautiful way means a lot to me. Especially when I watched her heart collapse. What I’m trying to say is you guys think we don’t see the covers, but we do. You pay us the best kind of compliments with them, just like Y/N has done. And I’m damn proud to be her friend and see how far she’s come since last summer. Keep going, you’re killing the game, I promise.’

She could feel the tears in her eyes as she read the caption and an arm went across her shoulder.

“Considering we’ve only known you since the start of the tour, we can’t say much about last summer. But you’re getting there and god damn you’ve got the world at your feet right now.” Rich’s words set the tears running and both Cara and Ellie laughed at her pitiful wail as she hid her face against his shoulder for a second.

“You guys have put up with my shit without any complaints. I’m sorry if I’ve been such a miserable cow.” She finally muttered and Cara giggled.

“You’re allowed to be a miserable cow. You’ve had your heart broken. But you’re trying, and all of us can see that. So don’t worry about it.” Cara reached over and wiped at her tears and Rich gave her one last squeeze before they rattled off their orders to the waitress.

When they’d eaten and headed back to the venue, she took her time and stuck her head in the boys’ dressing room. Luke and Ashton looked up from their phones.

“You looking for Mike?”

“Sorta. I was looking for you too, Luke.” He raised an eyebrow as she moved over and hugged him briefly, but tightly.

“Thanks.” His arms tightened around her marginally before letting her go and Ashton grinned at her.

“No hug for me?”

“Not today. Maybe tomorrow.” Came the playful retort and he laughed.

The door opened again and Michael stepped in followed by Calum, the two laughing at something. When they noticed that there was someone who wasn’t Luke or Ashton in the dressing room, they turned their attention and Michael gave her the biggest grin.

Without saying much, she quickly closed the distance between them and her arm wrapped around his neck, holding him tightly as his arms wound around her with ease, pulling her feet off the floor.

“Thank you.” She murmured next to his ear and pulled back slightly, placing a kiss to his cheek.

He held her for a few seconds longer before placing her down on her feet.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what did I do to deserve that?” The curiosity and amusement were clear as day to her, and she just smiled in return.

“For showing me I’m making progress,” her eyes glanced to her watch, “speaking of, I need to get changed. We’re onstage soon.” And without hesitation or a second thought, she leaned up, placing a soft kiss to his cheek and disappeared from their dressing room.

She missed how his cheeks turned pink.

---

The next month, she seemed to have had enough.

They had a couple of days off in Sydney, so after letting herself onto their bus, Y/N noticed that Luke was already up and dressed.

“Got any plans for today?” Was his greeting and she shook her head.

“I feel like I’m going insane on that bus.” She muttered and he let his hand rest over hers for a second before grinning.

“C’mon then. We’re having our not-date day.” He stood up up, heading back to the bunks for a few moments before returning with his phone and wallet, picking up the jacket that had apparently been discarded over the back of the seats.

“Wait, really?” He grinned at her in response.

“We need to cheer you up. You owe me dinner. Might as well make a day of it seeing as we don’t have anything booked in for today. Plus this is our home city. I’m pretty sure that I can survive showing you around. Did you want to grab a jacket or anything?”

She shook her head.

“It’s warm enough for me.”

“At least take a jumper, I know it’s warm enough for you, but the weather changes so fast, especially since we’re technically in our winter right now.” Luke pleaded. She hesitated for a second and he groaned before heading back through the bunks.

“Yeah, sure. Hey Y/N!” Michael shouted through as Luke came back, grinning.

“Yeah?”

“If that fucker takes you to the Harbour Bridge, I’m gonna throw him to the sharks. We’re doing that tomorrow after the interviews.” This prompted her to stare at Luke for a second before the two of them giggled.

“I’ll keep it in mind Mike.” She called back.

“Good, and look after the hoodie. I actually like that one.” He followed up with, prompting her to raise her eyebrow at Luke.

“I know you like big cosy hoodies. His are the comfiest and he knows it.” Came the easy reply and she simply laughed, accepting the offered hoodie and tying it around her waist as they left the bus once more.

There was an Uber waiting for them as they reached the side of the venue and Luke allowed her to slide in first before following after.

As the car peeled away, curiosity finally got the better of her.

“Lu, where are we going?” He grinned over at her in response.

“Royal Botanical Gardens. It’s a nice day out and also if gets us away from the mayhem of the city.”

The car ride was mostly filled with chatter of the couple of weeks they had off and what her plans were going to be.

“I’ll stay in LA, work on the album. With the success of the EP, apparently they’re excited for more stuff. So I won’t really be getting a break whilst we’re taking a break.” He laughed.

“I feel that. It sometimes feels like you’re trying to catch up with yourself when you’ve got the time off right?” She nodded at his words.

They fell into a companionable silence as the car reached the Gardens. Her breath escaped her as she looked at the sight before her. Luke allowed himself a brief moment of smugness before thanking the driver and looping his arm through hers.

“C’mon, my not-date.” This made her laugh as they entered the Gardens.

She found herself mesmerised by the sheer beauty of the place, unable to keep her eyes still for very long as they walked, eventually pulling away from Luke to get a closer look at some of the plants.

Unawares that Luke was holding up his phone towards her, taking a couple of photos, she turned her head back to him and beamed.

“This place is so beautiful.” She breathed as he moved back towards her. He could only nod in agreement as they continued their walk, her eyes still searching the vibrant colours.

“How are you doing?” Luke’s quiet voice pulled her from her thoughts and she hummed in acknowledgement.

“I’m fine, why?” Luke raised an eyebrow at her.

“Not what I meant and you know it.” They’d been walking around for just over an hour at this point. Spotting a bench, they made their way over to it and sat down, her head resting on his shoulder as they watched other people go by.

“I keep thinking she’ll come back. That she’ll apologise. And seeing that photo, I don’t know. It just, it broke me. Nearly three fucking years together.” The bitterness of her words tasted foul in her mouth.

“Feels like you’re stuck and can’t pull away?” She felt Luke rest his own head against hers and she sighed.

“I keep asking myself, what did I do wrong? Is it the timezones? Is it because I’m away? Was it someone I went out with? Is it because of the rumours? I feel like my head is dizzy and I’m just so exhausted all the time.”

“I doubt it was your fault.” He soothed her softly. She scoffed.

“It feels like it. I found out from a friend that she’s dating another lesbian and all I could think was ‘did she believe those rumours?’ and I hate it. I want to stop thinking about it.” She admitted softly.

A small breeze began to pick up, playing with the ends of their hair as they sat together, talking.

“Why would she put stock in rumours when all we ever heard about was how much you loved her?” She knew that he was curious, but the playful jab was there. It made her smile slightly.

“Because I don’t exclusively date women. I’m bi, and I keep thinking that she actually believed what’s been printed about me.”

“Then she should’ve called. Texted. Anything to give you a fucking inkling of what was going on in her head. You’ve literally had the carpet pulled from under your feet.” The indignation on your behalf made your heart swell for the man with the golden curls.

“It takes two to tango. I never called as often as I should’ve-”

“Stop right there.” He cut her off and she pressed her lips together, eyes closing as she sighed. “She’s made her bed and she’s gotta lie in it. You’re the one dealing with the aftermath of it. You’ve been so busy with this tour, anyone can see how hard you work and how exhausted you are. She knew what was coming but still didn’t make that effort. That’s on her, not you.”

They lapsed into silence once more. Then,

“Thank you, Lu. I’m sorry.” He rolled his eyes at her before finally pulling her up from the bench with him as he got up.

The breeze had picked up this time and so once on her feet, Y/N untied the hoodie from her waist, pulling it over. She realised that Luke was right and that she immediately favoured this hoodie over any previous one she owned.

She knew she practically drowned in it, the sleeves falling way past her hands and the hoodie baggier than needed, but she felt warm and it was a smell that was just entirely Michael as she pulled the front up to protect her face from the wind as it picked up.

She didn’t recognise it amidst her heartbreak, but her heart skipped a beat.

“C’mon, we have more time to kill and I’ve had enough sappy shit.” Her laughter was refreshing as the two continued their way through the gardens and found a small little cafe to grab a bite to eat.

Running into a few fans there, the two pleaded with them to wait till they were long gone before posting about where they were, if only to stop the place from getting swarmed.

They ran for the waiting uber like a couple of giggling school children, and only when they were far enough away did Luke bother to post anything.

She seemed content enough to snuggled down within Michael’s hoodie and rest her head on Luke’s shoulder as he scrolled through his phone.

“We’ve got a hotel for the next couple of nights, so you’ll have an actual bed.” He tilted his phone to show the texts and she nodded her head at that.

“Got it.”

---

A the tour progressed, people speculated about the relationship disintegration between Y/N and Allie.

But she’d put interviewers in their place when they got a bit too personal.

“It’s my business what happens in my private life. We’re not together any more, and that’s all you need to know.

But from that point, it seemed more and more fans were singing her songs back to her, and her album was back in the charts.

No one protested the setlist change. It meant a chance for her to incorporate a different cover for almost every show. It felt good to change things up and she knew that she was getting her smile back once more.

Michael had helped on that front.

Most nights, despite the separate tour busses, they’d be gaming against or with each other, depending on the game. This resulted in long nights and many nights exchanging text messages of memes from the game, especially when the other fucked up.

Some of the time, she’d stay on the bus the following day to play against Michael, but more often than not, she went off exploring with Ashton and Calum, buying and sending back postcards to her family.

As the tour progressed through America, she felt a lot more free as she sang and danced her last set in LA, knowing that in a few weeks, she’d finally be back home in England, even if it was only for two weeks.

“What are your plans?” Michael asked as they got their kits together. The last show had been played for a few weeks now and it was time to breathe.

“Not too sure. I’ve not got a place in LA yet, so I’m gonna check myself into a motel or something till we fly out to the UK.” She responded with a shrug and Michael frowned.

“You’re not staying in some grotty motel. You can stay with me till we head out to the UK.” She opened her mouth to argue and he moved his hand to cover her lips. “Don’t argue me on this one. You’re staying with me and that’s final.”

It took only thirty seconds before she finally rolled her eyes and nodded.

“Yes mother.” She snarked once his hand was removed and he got a mischievous look in his eye which set her running away from him, a yell escaping her lips as he chased after her.

“Take that back!”

“Not a chance in hell Clifford!”

And for those that had worked the tour, heard her tears, there was a bit of relief as her laughter echoed through the hallways. She was healing.

As they got back to his place, the masses of bags being dragged in between the two of them, Michael was the first to collapse on the couch and she followed shortly after, his arms wrapping around as he pulled her close, a soft sigh escaping his lips.

“C’mon, we need to go to bed.”

“But you’re comfy.”

“You need a proper bed.”

“Nope.”

“Y/N.” Michael groaned and she giggled softly pressing her face into his shoulder.

“We just got back, we need to breathe a bit, dumbass.” He laughed as he squeezed her tightly.

“Alright. But if you fall asleep, I’m not carrying you.” He warned and she shrugged, pressing herself closer as her eyes fluttered shut.

“Can’t escape from me now, Clifford.” She muttered quietly before her breathing grew slower.

Michael knew how exhausted she was, her heart still healing from the heartbreak and he knew that it was going to be tough on her. So as a soft snore escaped her lips, Michael found himself unable to even move her, his heart softening as he pulled her tight and placed a kiss to her temple.

“Like I’d even want to try.”

It was hours later when the pair woke up. Michael woke up first, his arms keeping her encased as he just enjoyed the moment of peace. Glancing at the clock, the numbers read that it was three thirty in the morning, and as much as he didn’t want to move, he knew that the both of them needed to lie in a proper bed.

“C’mon sleepy head.” His voice was raspy, tired. He knew that once they were both in their beds, neither would re-emerge for another twelve hours at least.

“Don’t wanna.” Finally came from Y/N and Michael laughed softly.

“Going to have to move. I promise once you’re in bed, I won’t wake you again.” That seemed to get her moving enough so that they were leaning on each other as they stumbled through his place to the guest room.

Not even caring of the fact that Michael was still in the room, she wiggled free from her jeans, crawling beneath the covers.

“You’re the best. Night Mikey.” The sentence was slurred, her voice getting softer before the sentence ended with a snore. He snorted, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead before he made his way to his own room, ditching jeans and his shirt before crawling beneath his own covers.

It was almost like someone hit him over the head with a baseball bat. He was knocked out immediately.

—

It felt like a full on recovery for the first three days. Y/N was feeling like the wind had been stolen from her sails before Michael explained it wasn’t uncommon.

“We’ve just done seven months of touring and promo mixed together. Even with the days off, you’re still doing something. Your body probably feels like this is the first chance you’ve had to relax in months.”

They settled themselves in the living room for the first three days, watching tv and napping. It was relaxed and she could feel like her days were easier.

By the fourth day, that was when they started to venture out a bit. Ashton immediately invited himself around and took Y/N out for lunch when she’d sent a text saying she felt a little more alive.

Michael could only laugh as he half dragged her out of his place.

“I’ve got my own shit to do, I’d rather be going for lunch!” He yelled out after her plea to save her escaped from her lips.

“How are you feeling now that you’ve had a chance to let your body recover?”

“I’m not bad. I still expect to see her name a few times but it’s easier now that her number isn’t in my phone and I’m not pining as much. I’m just more worried about finding a place out here now.”

Ashton nodded in understanding as they pulled into one of the car park complexes.

“Whilst we’re here and then out in the UK, I don’t mind helping you if you want to sit down and look?” She smiled at him as they walked through the town.

“Yeah, thanks. Hey, would you mind coming with me to explain to my family? It’s just that they worry and I don’t want them to.” As they reached the restaurant, Ashton held the door open for her before following behind.

“Table for two under Irwin?” He asked before the hostess could even greet them. She checked the roster before nodding her head and guiding them further into the restaurant.

Once they were seated and were looking over the menus, Ashton finally asked her the question.

“Why me, and not one of the other guys?” She half smiled at that.

“I know that Sierra is coming to the UK leg of the tour. I also know that Calum will want to visit Mali whilst he’s over there.”

“And Michael?”

She had to pause at that. Why wouldn’t she ask him?

Ashton waited as she tried to find her words, before her eyes settled on the table.

“You all just assumed I was a lesbian, right?” The question in return caught Ashton off guard as he slowly nodded.

“Well, yeah. I mean we never really asked you about your previous relationships.” Ashton shrugged as he set the menu down to look at her properly.

“I’m not. I’m bisexual. My family know and accept this. But if I take Michael, they’ll assumed that I’m dating him already.”

“And they won’t assume that with me?”

“Because I don’t act like I’m in love with you, moron.” She rolled her eyes before they widened in shock.

Ashton smirked.

“Fuckin’ knew it.” He muttered before sighing. “I’ll come with you, if only so your family don’t have any kind of freak out and reveal that you’ve been crushing on Mike for a while.”

“Shut up.” She hissed quietly, making him laugh as the waitress came over and took their orders.

“Chill out, my feline friend. I don’t think the others have cottoned on yet, but I definitely noticed it after your not-date with Luke. It annoyed him that you went with Luke on the day off and he had to settle for half a day because of interviews.” At that, her head fell into her hands and a sigh escaped her lips.

“Ashton, I’m royally fucked. I’m spending the next two months with him and I literally feel like a teenaged schoolgirl with her first crush, except my heart still feels fucking broken beyond repair right now. And he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he does deserve someone who feels like that so he can show her that she’s not as broken as she thinks.”

As the food arrived, they switched the conversation to the European leg of the tour, the various cities they were excited to visit and gifts they planned on buying.

“Are you worried about seeing Allie?” He finally asked, resting his elbows on the table and his head on his hands.

She leaned back in her chair and thought about his question.

“No. Well, it’s going to hurt. I know that. I’ve still got to collect the last of my stuff from hers and get it shipped over here. So I’m going to have to see her. But honestly?” She hesitated before sighing. “I’m more worried about how I’m going to actually react. Because I don’t know if I’m angry or not. I couldn’t make heads or tails of my emotions on the road and I had to stay put together for the interviews and shows.”

“What dates are you going to see your family?”

“Mum’s planning a family shindig on Halloween. Then they’ve got a small van for me and it’ll pick me up straight after the Sheffield show. Instead of flying out on the third with you guys, I’ll fly back out to the tour on the fourth.”

“Want me with you for the whole thing?” He watched as her eyes dropped to the table and it was like the embarrassment radiated in waves off her.

“Am I that easy to read?” Ashton chuckled.

“No, I just know my friend well enough to see when she doesn’t want to ask for something in fear of overstepping some kind of boundary.” His words were teasing, but the sincerity stunned her for a second.

“Only if you want to, Ash. But it means that you’ll be sharing my room with me.” He laughed.

“It’s fine. Shall we head out to look for a place for you then? Might as well get a start before we leave for Europe.” She nodded in acceptance and split the bill with him. As the two left, they’d both spotted the paps lurking about, but both ignored them as they made their way back to Ashton’s car.

“Shall we place bets on how many articles say we’re dating, even when it’s plainly obvious even to a blind man that I’m not interested in you?” Ashton laughed as he got in the car and they peeled away from the complex and headed back to his.

----

With Ashton’s help, they’d managed to secure a decent house for her and with the money from the album sales and tour, she knew it was easier to outright buy the place instead of renting, which is what she did.

She swore Ashton to secrecy, because there was no point in making a big fuss over her place. It still needed some work done and they worked over the two week break to get the place cleaned up and furnished for her return back to LA once the tour finished.

“So you’re gonna host a housewarming party when we get back right?” She laughed as she locked up the place. It was all done, all she needed to do was ship her stuff over. She’d already met with a few of her new neighbours and they’d agreed to hold parcels for her until she returned from the tour the following month later.

“First we’re celebrating the surprise party for Michael. Our boy is turning twenty three. Can’t ignore that.” They laughed as they got into his car.

“Well yeah, there’s that first. But after?”

“Considering we’re both up for ARIA’s, still don’t know how I managed that,” Ashton laughed, “so I’m gonna give it a couple of days, so maybe have the party on the twenty first or twenty second. Then to my knowledge, I’m flying out on the twenty fifth for the rehearsals?” Ashton nodded.

“Sounds about right. I know Cal’s going over earlier to spend time with his family.”

“Right. This is still feeling so surreal, honestly.” He laughed.

Flying out from LA back to London seemed like a breeze, but she also knew that this was where she’d have to go back home. Y/N was both excited and nervous to go back to her hometown.

The flight to London had been filled with jittery nerves. They’d landed late in the evening and only a small handful of fans were waiting to greet them.

“Welcome home Y/N!” One fan called and she chuckled.

“Thanks guys. How’re you all doing?” She received varied answers from the small group that had gathered around her. She could see the phones out but didn’t protest them like she usually would’ve, she was just too damn tired.

“How was the flight for you?” One fan asked and she shrugged, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Exhausting. I forget how tiring flying can actually be, especially when you’re not good on long flights as it is.” She grinned bashfully, earning a few scattered giggles.

“Are you looking forward to being back home for a little bit?”

“Definitely. I’ve got plans on our days off to go visit my family and I know my mum is super excited to see me. I’m almost certain she’s called every family member that’s old enough to drive to come to this meal. That’s going to be a busy day.” the fans were calm and the discussion turned to new music.

“Have you been working on anything on the road?” She shrugged at that question.

“Yes and no. I haven’t pushed myself to write, but I’ve been recording. I can’t say much now, but you guys are going to absolutely love it, I promise you.” This earned her excited whispers and she giggled as she signed a few things for them.

She was more than happy to take a few selfies with a few of them before Michael called her over and she made quick apologies, heading over to where he was loitering with security.

“They’re sending vans. They’ll take us to the bus pick up and then it’s an overnight journey to Glasgow.” His eyes were watching how tired she was and she sighed.

“Why can’t they just fly us up there instead?” She groaned quietly, making him laugh.

“Because they’re assholes. Fancy bus crashing for the night? I know El, Rich and Cara are going to be wide awake.”

“And you four losers won’t be?” Came back the tart reply and he grinned.

“We’re just as tired as you are. So no, we’re probably going to knock out the second our heads hit the bunk.”

She hesitated for a moment before sighing. Pulling out her phone, she messaged the group chat she had with her own bandmates.

‘You guys cool if I bus crash tonight?’

Ellie was the first to reply.

‘Yeeah, we were thinking of maybe having a couple of games going when we go on. You look exhausted so you’d probs be better off sleepin on their bus.’

She replied almost instantly.

‘That’s fine by me. You guys be as loud as you like.’

It wasn’t much longer till they all piled into the two vans and it felt like she’d barely blinked before being shaken awake by Michael.

“C’mon Y/N, we’re at the busses.” The cold October weather made her cringe into Michael’s side and he laughed.

“Shut up, I’m used to the LA heat.” She grumbled. He fell silent but pulled her tighter to him anyway. She was wrapped up in the hoodie she’d managed to acquire after her not-date with Luke and he hadn’t argued the loss of it, claiming she looked cuter in it anyway.

When they got on the bus, the boys went to claim their bunks and before she could head to the back to crash on the sofa, Michael was pulling her into the bunk area and she couldn’t help but smile at someone who looked so stupidly cute, especially when his eyes were silently pleading with her.

With a sigh, she took off her bra, tossing it to the end of his bunk before climbing in and he followed after. Not even bothering to take off the hoodie, she curled into his side and with a whispered ‘goodnight’ between the two of them, it didn’t take too long before both of them were fast asleep, his body turned towards hers and his arm thrown over her waist.

When Michael woke the next morning, she was curled against him, her back pressing against his chest. His arm was still thrown across her waist. He didn’t dare move as he tiredly stared at her, his heart skipping a beat as her eyes opened and she turned over, face hiding against his chest.

She could feel her heartbeat thundering against her chest as she felt his lips against the top of her head.

“Morning kitten.” She tried not to let her shock show at the pet name, a simple hum of acknowledgement escaping as she pressed her face firmly against his chest, not willing to move an inch.

“Morning.” She finally muttered and he chuckled.

“We in Glasgow yet?” He shook his head.

“Still travelling. Not sure where we are though.” A sigh escaped her lips.

“Means we don’t have to move.” She muttered stubbornly her arm wrapping around him and he could feel heat rising in his cheeks as he held her close, mouthing a silent prayer just to keep his cool till they woke up properly.

It took another thirty minutes before the bunk curtain was pulled open by Luke.

“C’mon lovebirds. We reach Glasgow in about an hour.” He ducked the pillow she threw at him before Michael pushed out of the bunk first, and she reluctantly moved, following after him.

She slipped her bra on before following through to the front of the bus and was greeted with tired smiles from the other three. She took the open spot next to Michael, ignoring the pointed looks from Luke and Ashton as she lay her head on his shoulder.

“You changing anything to the setlist this tour?” She snorted into the cup of tea that Ashton had passed her at Calum’s question.

“I desperately want to cover Fuck You, just to be petty. But I won’t,” they all shared grins at that, “I will maybe switch the order of the setlist and throw the cover towards the start. Get the crowd going.”

“What cover you gonna do?”

“All the covers that get Brits fucking jumping.” She teased and they laughed as the bus finally pulled to a stop and she stood up, stretching out her tired limbs.

“You up for exploring tomorrow whilst we’re here?” Ash questioned and she nodded in agreement as she headed to the door of the bus.

“Yeah, who’s heading out tomorrow with you?”

“Just me.” Calum piped up and she grinned at him.

“Cool, see you guys in a bit.” And she was off the bus and onto her own seconds later, grateful that they were cut off from the fans view. She did not need to add fuel to that burning fire.

As she got on the bus, she was met with a very tired looking Cara who was nursing a coffee with both of her hands.

“Morning.” Came the quiet greeting.

“Morning to you too sunshine. How was last night?” Y/N sat herself opposite Cara who groaned quietly.

“I think it’s mostly tiredness speaking because not a lot of alcohol was consumed. But we’re just so excited to be playing for shows in the UK.”

“Even though you guys were with me for the first part of the tour.” She teased and they laughed quietly.

“It doesn’t count and you know it. This is playing in different cities. Playing in London once does not count at all.” Came the snarky retort and she held up her hands in a surrender position.

“I’m gonna go get changed. I might head into the venue and maybe work on something. Still got ideas running through my head.” She stood up, heading to the bunk area and Cara gave her a devious grin.

“Something to commemorate your night with Michael?” The taunt was playful and in jest and Y/N simply grinned.

“Maybe.”

---

As it crept closer to Halloween, it was obvious about how nervous Y/N was getting over the family party. More than once, Michael offered to come down with her and Ash, but she shook her head, desperately hoping that he couldn’t see how wistful her smile was.

“You need to hold the fort with Luke and Cal whilst I steal Ash for the day. We’ll be back in time for drinks, I promise.”

From London both her and Ashton travelled further south to her hometown on Halloween morning. They spent the majority of the journey discussing various ideas for her place back in LA, debating on different colours for the guest rooms that had yet to be painted.

“How many people are going to be there?” He questioned quietly as they pulled off the motorway. She checked her phone, scrolling through her previous messages with her mum.

“Mum said about twelve. But that’s just aunts and uncles and cousins. She’s not included their kids.” A low groan escaped him and she giggled.

“Hey, you agreed to this, knowing that I have a big family.” He rolled his eyes before smiling.

“I know. But it’s the kids that I’m worried about. Are you sure they won’t freak out?”

“Lucy might. She’s the only one I know that has probably listened to your stuff. The boys could care less.” She shrugged in return and he simply slumped down in the seat, earning a giggle.

“It won’t be like this at the weekend though?”

“Oh god no. This weekend is going to be telling them about moving to LA and packing up my stuff. Might even show you a few spots I frequented as a kid.” They shared matching grins as the car turned into a cul-de-sac and her eyes lit up.

Ashton couldn’t help himself as he snapped a photo of the beaming smile on her lips, his own lips curving into a grin to match hers.

“We’re here!” The car pulled to a stop and they got out of the car. Once it disappeared back down the street after a confirmation of pick up time, she headed to the front door and knocked. It was only eleven am, but she could see the various cars and hear the voices.

The door pulled open and she was greeted by her dad whose face lit up, pulling her into a warm hug.

It was a hug she’d been craving for months and her entire body melted against him.

“Welcome home, little one.” He murmured softly in her ear and she responded by clinging to him tighter before pulling away.

“Dad, this is Ashton, he’s the drummer of 5 Seconds of Summer, the band who helped give me this amazing opportunity.” She stepped to the side and Ashton held his hand out.

He was stunned when her dad pulled him in for a hug instead and his cheeks went slightly pink.

“Thank you for giving my little girl such a wonderful opportunity, come in, come in! The rest of the family are here.” He waved them both in and as she stepped through the door, Ashton ran his fingers through the mop of curls.

“I can see where you get the hugging genetic from.” He muttered under his breath and she snorted out a giggle before an excited squeal emitted from the living room.

“You’ve seen nothing yet, Irwin.”

As if on cue, her mum came rushing out of the living room and practically barrelled her over, holding onto her tightly as she peppered her face with kisses, making Y/N giggle.

“Hi mum. Missed you too.”

“Oh my baby is finally home for a bit!”

“Your baby is gonna pass out because she can’t breath and has barely stepped into the house.” She shot back sarcastically and Ashton coughed to cover up a chuckle. This turned her mum’s attention to Ashton.

“Don’t think you get out of this! You must be Ashton, yes?”

“Yes ma’am, it’s-” He was cut off as she pulled him in for a tight hug, this time making Y/N snicker at his wide eyes.

“Nice to meet you.” He finally finished off, making her mum laugh.

“It’s wonderful to meet you too, dear. Now come on through, a lot of the family are already here.” She pulled back, taking a hold of Ashton’s hand and he shot Y/N a panicked look and she shrugged in return as she followed after the two.

It took half an hour just to introduce Ashton to everyone who had already arrived because they were determined to ask him questions about the tour and what she had done on the tour and every question in between.

It was her Aunt Hallie who caught her unawares.

“So where’s young Allie?” She froze for a second, her eyes widening for a moment before her hand reached up, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Uh, we’re not together any more. We haven’t been for, like the last five months.” The awkward silence that filled the room and she could feel her stomach twist uncomfortably.

“Is this young Ashton your new thing then?” Her eyes widened in shock and Ashton, who had taken that moment to take a drink from the water that her mum had offered, choked.

“No, he’s here as support. Uh, I’m going to be collecting the rest of my stuff from Allie’s this weekend so he offered to meet the family as well, get it out of the way and-”

“She was worried about possibly running into Allie. I was the most level headed out of the band when the breakup happened and she wanted someone who would be able to be objective and stop anything from happening.” Ashton interjected once he’d gotten his breath back.

“And prey-tell why are you not dating him then?”

“Hallie,” her mum hissed softly, “that’s none of our business.”

“It’s fine, mum. Uh, I’m not interested in Ashton. I see him more as my brother. He’s been really good to me on the tour and looked out for me, especially when we’ve done the city explorations.” She explained quietly and as her Aunt Hallie opened her mouth to ask something else, her mum cut in once more.

“Enough, Hallie. They’re not together, and she’s not with Allie. You’ve known this.” Y/N groaned.

“Please, I’m not in the UK for long, I just want to enjoy today with you guys.” Hallie sat back and fell silent as the kids began to badger Ashton. He was patient with them as they invited him to play on Mario Kart.

As Y/N had expected, Lucy had fallen very shy around Ashton, so she went to her younger cousin and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“I’m almost certain that if you ask nicely, he’ll let you have a picture with him.” Her cheeks flushed pink as she hid her face in her side and she chuckled.

“Alright. You wanna stick with me?” A nod followed and so she had a shadow attached to her as she joined Ashton on the floor and talked with the other adults about the tour and where she’d visited.

The kids soon abandoned the game when she began to show them photos she’d taken, so Ashton showed them some of his own and that was when Lucy began to come out of her shell.

“S’pretty photo of Y/N.” Came the soft mumble at the photo that he’d taken of her in Glasgow. Ashton beamed at Lucy who immediately went bright red.

“She’s the worst for having photos taken of her though, we have to catch her off guard or only when she’s in a particular mood to have photos taken. When we were in Australia, we were trying to get a group shot of all of us on the beach and she rolled off her towel and onto the sand to not be in the photo.” This earned him a giggle from Lucy and she slowly inched away from Y/N to take a look at the photo he was showing.

Ashton seemed to have earned himself the shadow that was her younger cousin then and it was sweet as he answered every question she had and even as they went to get food from the buffet that her mum had laid out, he let her sit with him.

Y/N had disappeared into the kitchen after taking a photo of the two of them talking. Hallie pinned her with a look and she sighed.

“Listen, he is not my boyfriend. I’m not starting this argument with you on my day off. We’re not here for much longer, the car will be here in a couple of hours to get us back to London.”

“I was just going to say he’s a nice boy you could have to get over this silly indecisiveness you have.” A groan escaped her lips.

“I’m not indecisive. I’ve dated boys and girls. I like them both. You try this with me every damn time Aunt Hallie.”

“Hallie, we’re not doing this today. I haven’t seen my little girl in months. I’m not letting your inability to see past the end of your nose ruin this day. You know where the door is if you really have that much of a problem.”

“Fine.” Came the huff and she disappeared out to the garden where a few other cousins were sat talking and having a smoke.

“Thanks dad.” She breathed and fell into his open arms.

“It’s okay sweetheart. How are you really doing?” She sighed into his shoulder.

“I’ll be okay, but Ash is genuinely here for moral support. He’s coming at the weekend as well. I don’t think I’m ready to face her by myself.” Her dad nodded before pressing a kiss to her temple.

“You’ve got good friends, little one. Come on now, we need to make sure that your Aunt hasn’t interrogated the poor lad.”

Mercifully she hadn't said a word, because Lucy still held all of his attention.

“Hey Luce, why don’t you ask Ash the question you wanted to ask earlier?” She called to her younger cousin and watched as her cheeks went a bright red.

“Uh, could I please have a picture with you?” Her voice had gone very quiet and Ashton grinned.

“Of course! You’re my favourite, but don’t tell Y/N that.” She giggled at her mock look of offence and obliged in taking the photo of the two.

The conversations continued over the next couple of hours before she received the warning text that the driver was about five minutes out.

“Ash, we need to say our goodbyes, driver is about five minutes away.” This earned gentle whines from the kids who had seemingly flocked to Ashton. She giggled and snapped a quick photo of it before going around and saying her goodbyes to the relatives, Ashton following behind her.

She left her parents for last, and they saw the pair off at the door.

“I’m looking forward to seeing you this weekend. Are we expecting you on Friday?” Her mum questioned as she hugged the two of them, her dad following her mum’s footsteps.

“Yeah, it’ll be late though. I’ve still got my key so I can just let us in and we’ll crash in my old room.” Her mum nodded.

“I’ll make sure to set up the airbed as well. Have a safe journey and enjoy the rest of the tour. We’ll see you in a few days.” They both escaped to the car after another shout of goodbyes from the family and once they were driving away, she let out a breath of air in relief.

“I can see why you needed someone there. Man, your Aunt Hallie was slightly terrifying.” Ashton’s observation made her laugh as they talked about the day and the possibilities of where they were going tonight.

When they reached London, Ash had to nudge her awake because she’d fallen asleep on his shoulder.

It wasn’t too late, so after stopping at a drive-thru for some food, once they were back at the busses, she followed after Ashton, knowing that the others would be on the bus too.

“So, any spectacular parties we can go to?” Cal grinned at her question.

“Yep. You ready to get drunk?”

“After today? Yes please.” Came the response and the group laughed.

“She’s not kidding, her aunt was tough as nails.” At that she snorted.

“Aunt Hallie just has her own ideas of what relationship I should be in. She’s relentless.” Ashton laughed as he went to put on a different shirt. She kept her outfit on, not bothering to go and change and soon enough they were piling out of the tour bus into two taxis.

Ellie and Cara were on her immediately as the taxi pulled away. Luke smirked at her.

“So what happened?” Ellie asked first and Cara pouted before giving her a pointed look.

“My aunt assumed that Ashton was my new fling. My younger cousin had her year made because he spent time with her and gave her his undivided attention. I’m pretty sure my family are ready to adopt Ashton regardless of me dating him or not.” Luke laughed.

“He’s good like that. Was it nice to see your family?” She shrugged.

“A few times we had close calls with my aunt being a somewhat piece of shit about my sexuality. But my parents didn’t want the day ruined with an argument, so she let it drop thankfully.” She explained and Luke hummed in return.

As they pulled up to the party and were greeted by various people, it felt good to just drink and let loose.

She wasn’t as tightly wound like she was at the start of the week and with each shot, she found herself gravitating closer to Michael as the night progressed. He didn’t argue this as they danced together, his hands on her hips and she pressed herself closer as more bodies joined the makeshift dance floor.

And she wasn’t entirely sure at what point she made the decision, but when she looked at him, the bass of the song reverberating through her body, she watched as his eyes dropped to her lips.

Using her arms around his neck, she inched closer, and he didn’t protest and before she could stop herself, their lips were barely centimeters apart.

“You can kiss me, y’know.” He breathed and she closed the gap between them, his lips soft against hers and she found herself entirely melting against his body as he pulled her closer.

His lips parted against her tongue and she could taste the alcohol as she kissed him, his tongue meeting hers and she could feel her heart fluttering. Their bodies were still moving with the music and she pulled away, her breath catching.

“Holy shit.” He whispered and before she could think much about it, his lips were on hers once more.

As the night progressed, she stuck to his side. He didn’t protest this as they continued to drink and soon the night began to blur together, the only solid thing her memory able to recall was the feeling of Michael’s lips against hers.

When she woke up the next morning, she was half draped across Michael, in his bunk. Unlike the start of the tour, she carefully pulled herself over and carefully climbed out. He barely moved as she got to her feet and plucked her jeans from the bottom of the bunk, shimmying them on before moving to the front.

The bus wasn’t moving so she assumed that they were at the venue.

Stepping through, she was met with three smirking band members and she froze.

“So.” Luke started and she could feel warmth spread to her cheeks.

“You two finally kissed.” Ashton continued and she took the spot next to Calum who raised an eyebrow at her.

“So bisexual, huh?” She simply slumped forward, her arms folding on the table and resting her head on them.

“Can you guys, not be smug assholes for like, five minutes?” They laughed and she whined at the noise levels. They fell silent when another dull thud was heard and her heartbeat picked up. She opted to keep her head on her arms, not wanting to look up.

“Let’s grab some breakfast. Pretty sure that one of the crew members said there was a McDonald’s nearby.” Calum’s suggestion was like music to her ears as they all greeted Michael before disappearing off the bus.

“Are you gonna look at me?” Her head shot up from her arms, wincing at the sudden movement which made him smile slightly.

Butterflies flooded her stomach at that smile.

“Do you want to talk about last night?” Her question was answered with a small nod and suddenly, every word disappeared from her lips. She couldn’t figure out what to say.

“Did you want to kiss me? Like, it wasn’t just because you were drunk?” Michael finally asked and she nodded her head.

“I don’t know if it escaped your attention, but I like you, dumbass.” He stared at her for a second.

“But, Allie?” She shook her head.

“She’s exclusively dated girls. I’ve dated both.” She clarified and understanding washed over his features followed by a grin.

“So you like me?” She laughed.

“Have done for a while now, Clifford.” They both chuckled before silence fell around them.

“How do you want to do this?” He asked and she hesitated before sighing.

“We’re technically working together. I’m your opening act. I know there’s like two weeks of tour left but-”

“It wouldn’t look good if we were public with any of this.” His body deflated and she moved from her spot, sliding herself onto his lap, straddling his legs so she could face him completely. His hands automatically rested on her hips, holding her there and his cheeks took on a pinkish hue.

He looked adorable in her opinion.

“Don’t think I don’t want to date you, because I do. But I don’t want to be public about it. Not yet, and especially not whilst we’re on tour. That’s just asking for trouble.” He nodded in understanding and when his gaze dropped to her lips, she smiled slightly.

“You can kiss me y’know.” She murmured his words from the previous night, making him smile before his lips connected with hers the second she finished her sentence. This kiss was sweeter, no alcohol fuelling these decisions and it wasn’t the first thing she could taste. Her body melded against his, his grip on her hips tightening slightly before their lips pulled away.

“The next two weeks are going to fucking suck.” He muttered and she giggled softly.

“I know, but when we’re away from prying eyes, you can kiss me all you want.” She hummed and his lips met hers in response.

They stayed like that until the boys came back and she reluctantly slid off his lap, sharing a soft kiss as she did so. This earned a wolf whistle.

“About time you two. Right, we have food and you both need to get ready for soundcheck soon.” Ashton reminded them both and they shared grins before accepting the breakfast offered and she settled against his side as they ate.

As they reached the end of the week, after the last UK show, both Y/N and Ashton rushed onto their busses to grab quick showers and a change of clothes.

She stuck to travelling in comfortable clothes and packed two changes of clothes. Ellie, Cara and Rich got onto the bus as she finished throwing her charger into the carry on and before she could leave Ellie pulled her into a tight hug.

The stress that had been building up all week dissipated somewhat at that.

“I needed that.” She muttered and Cara laughed.

“Hence why Ellie is the one giving you the hug. Just don’t get into any fights and we’ll see you in two days, alright?” She nodded her head and waved to them as she disappeared off the bus. Screams erupted as she emerged and she briefly waved to the groups of fans that were at the barriers.

She didn’t even hesitate as she punched in the code to get onto the bus and found Ashton emerging from the bunks, his carry on slung across the shoulder.

“No lover boy to see you off?” He teased and she rolled her eyes.

“I already got my kiss goodbye. Why, you need one from Cal?” She teased and he laughed loudly as they exited the bus once more. The screams grew louder as they headed to the waiting car for them, getting their stuff in before climbing in.

The journey was quiet, both of them on their phones as the headed down the motorway. It wasn’t as long as they’d anticipated, due to it being so late at night. But when they reached the house hours later, it was verging on three am and both were starting to lag by this point, yawns escaping them both every now and then.

As they crept into the house as quietly as possible, she guided Ashton to her childhood bedroom and when she flicked on the light, she felt her lips pull back into a wide smile.

The airbed was made up with blankets and pillows and her own bed had fresh covers on them judging by the note that was sat on her pillow.

‘Fresh blankets and clean sheets. See you both in the morning, love mum x’

Ashton chuckled as she switched her bedside lamp on and turned the main light off, helping Ashton find a plug for his phone charger before crawling under her covers, plugging her own phone in to charge.

“Night Y/N.” Ashton muttered quietly and she flicked the light off.

“Night Ash.”

When the pair woke the next morning, it was to the sounds of the radio and the smell of cooked food.

Rolling onto her side, she spotted that Ashton was awake and scrolling through his twitter feed.

“There better not be any sleeping photos, Irwin.” She mumbled as she stretched out on her bed and Ash laughed as he looked over to her.

“You’re good. I felt like being reasonably kind to you today.”

“You’re so nice to me.”

“I try.”

They laughed before she finally rolled out of her bed and Ashton got up. Grabbing her phone, the pair headed downstairs and were met with the sight of her mum cooking breakfast whilst her dad was sat at the kitchen table.

“Morning.” She kissed her dads cheek as she made her way to the fridge to grab some juice.

“Morning you two. How was the journey last night?” Her mum asked as she began to plate up the food. Ashton took a seat at the kitchen table opposite her dad.

“Not bad. It was quite on the motorway so we didn’t really hit any traffic. I think it was about three when we got in?” She hummed in agreement.

“Yeah, three sounds about right. Did you want some juice Ash?”

“Please.”

As they ate breakfast, it was mostly quiet as the two devoured their breakfasts, much to the amusement of Y/N’s parents.

“Do they not feed you on tour?” Her dad commented and she laughed.

“The boys eat like horses. However, we didn’t grab a bite to eat after the show last night. So I guess we’re kind of hungry.” She explained as she finished up her food before pushing the plate away.

Ashton followed her example a moment later.

“That was really nice, thank you ma’am.”

“So polite.” Her mum beamed as her dad collected the plates and did the last bit of the washing up. Once he was back at the table, her mum pinned her with a look..

“We realised that you’re probably going around to Allie’s today. What did you want us to do with your stuff?” At this, the two exchanged a look and this gained both of her parents attention.

“Little one?”

“Well, I kinda bought a house whilst I was out there. I got my citizenship because my job is technically based over there now. So it made it easier to apply.” She admitted and waited as the news sunk in for both of her parents.

“So you’re moving out there for good now?” Her mum’s tone broke her heart and she pressed her lips together, trying to find the right words but without hurting her parents feelings.

Ashton stepped in and rescued her.

“It’s easier for the artist to be based close to home for some record companies. Because Y/N is such a fresh face who has had a massive upswing with her music, like there wasn’t much promotion for her stuff, but she still managed to get number one in thirteen different countries. So with her moving to LA is beneficial on both sides of the fence. It also gives her more opportunities to work with different artists because despite the reputation that LA has, it’s the place to be to get your name out there.”

She could have honestly kissed Ashton in that moment.

“So you’re saying that it’d give her exposure?” Her mum clarified and Ashton nodded.

“Various artists and bands across all genres find themselves in LA. Making those connections are always crucial and she’s made the best kind of connections already. And it’s not like she won’t have friends out there.”

She watched as her dad processed the information.

“Dad?”

“It’s a lot to take in, you moving across the world. But this is what you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl. Who are we to cause a rift because we don’t like the decision? We knew you’d have to fly the nest eventually, maybe not so far, but we expected it after you moved in with Allie.”

She let out a breath of air she hadn’t realised she’d been holding at his words and he smiled.

“Trust me little one, we will miss you, but this is your dream. You know we’ll support you regardless.” At her mums nod, her shoulders relaxed and Ashton nudged her side.

“Told you it’d be fine.” The playful jab made laughter ring around the table as she stood and stretched.

“I’m going to get ready. We need to collect the stuff from Allie’s sooner rather than later and then maybe tonight we can go out for dinner?” She questioned her parents who shared a look before nodding.

They both went and got ready, Ashton heading to the bathroom to get changed.

When they got downstairs, she picked up her car keys and called out a goodbye as they headed out of the door.

“Didn’t realise that you could drive.” Ashton commented as she slid into the driver's seat.

“How else was I going to get around for tour?” She snorted. “I’ll need to take my test in the states, but I can drive. I might sell this car and whatever money I get from it I can put towards a new car over there.” She mused as she made the achingly familiar journey.

As she pulled up, she noticed that the car was in the driveway and her breathing hitched.

“You’ve got this. C’mon.” Ashton encouraged, climbing out of the car. It was only when he opened her door did she move and finally got out of the car, slowly walking up to the house.

Knocking on the door, her heart plummeted as an unfamiliar face opened the door.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

“Uh, is Allie here?”

“Babe, someone at the door for you.” The stranger called back. Allie appeared moments later and her face dropped.

“Oh. Y/N. Hi Ashton.” He nodded at her in return and she looked away from him.

“I’ve come to collect my stuff.” Allie seemed to paused for a second before nodding.

“Yeah, uh it’s in the garage. Let me just, grab the keys for it.” She disappeared from the door for a moment before returning and the two followed behind Allie as she walked to the garage door.

“So, how was tour?” The words were hesitant and she could feel the burning frustration mixed with hurt bubble in her chest.

“Still on it.” Came the short response and she felt a minor satisfaction as Allie flinched at her tone.

Once the garage door was open, she showed the two where her stuff was being kept and she felt grateful that there was the small mercy of it already being packed away. She didn’t want to be here longer than necessary.

It didn’t take too long to load the boxes into the car, Allie standing by, watching the pair as they shifted the last of her stuff. Once it was done and the garage door was closed once more, Y/N fished around for her keys before finding the key to the house.

“Might want to give your new girl that one. Have a nice life, and I hope it works out for you.” The words were bitter, tired. But Allie simply nodded her head, clasping the key in her hand.

“Take care.” She whispered as the two headed back to the car and she eventually headed into the house.

She lasted five minutes driving before she had to pull over, her shoulders shaking and tears blurring her vision. Ashton didn’t hesitate as he wrapped his arms around her and allowed her to get it out of her system.

There was no rush as she cried, her body tired as the tears finally slowed and the sobs died down.

“Better?” She nodded.

“Better.”

---

With the weight of her move now off her shoulders, her parents promising to get her stuff shipped to her new place, the rest of the tour felt easier.

It was the last show in Madrid when she surprised fans with the song she felt that she couldn’t play before. But she knew that her heart was on the mend.

“Over the last few months, you guys have seen me pretty much hit rock bottom. I got my heart broken whilst I was mid-tour and it sucked. And this song, it was once her song. But it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. So this song, this song is for all of you. This is your song now.”

She could see the boys side stage as she danced and sang the song, the crowd singing the lyrics right back at her and it felt like relief flooding her bones.

When she finished her set and rushed off, she was swept into tight hugs from all of the boys, Michael patiently waiting till last as they moved away from the stage, his lips meeting hers softly.

“So you’re getting there, huh?” He teased and she grinned.

“Had some help from some amazing friends. But yeah. I’m getting there birthday boy.” She hummed and his lips met hers once more.

“Pack it in love birds, we need him coherent for the show.” Calum called over to the two of them, making her giggle as he wrapped his arms around her tightly.

“You guys suck. You need to be nicer to me on my birthday.” He called back and Calum rolled his eyes.

“It might be your birthday in Australia, but it isn’t here. Not yet. So no I don’t need to be nicer to you.” Calum fired back making the others laugh as Michael pouted.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be your birthday when we fly home.”

“Jet lag is gonna kick our asses.” She laughed as they got their ten minute stage warning.

“Yeah well, we’ll have days after your birthday to recover. So don’t fret. Now go be a good rockstar and enjoy the night.” He grinned, his lips meeting hers once more before vanishing after his bandmates.

The last show went off without a hitch and so began the journey to LA. And despite knowing she had her own place out there, when Michael offered for her to stay over at his when they landed, she simply nodded in agreement.

They’d barely had time to drop their stuff off at his before they were being picked up again and Michael kept asking her if she knew anything.

It was difficult to keep a straight face, especially when she was so tired, so she simply let her head rest on his shoulder, shrugging as she did so.

“I don’t know what’s been planned. I was just told to stick with you.” He snorted at that and settled before they arrived at the venue and as he entered, she found herself beaming as he greeted his parents with enthusiasm, despite how tired she knew he was.

She was quickly pulled over and introduced to his parents, both who spent their time talking with her whilst he greeted everyone, unable to contain his laughter as he saw his bandmates.

“It was like, thirty minutes ago I saw you three I think? It’s been a long time, man.” This earned him tired chuckles.

Thankfully, she wasn’t expected to mingle with everyone, so whilst Michael was catching up with his friends, she stuck to the guys, trying to keep herself awake as the night grew on.

“How close are you to passing out right now?” Ashton murmured and she giggled softly.

“You’re the reason I’m still stood upright, Irwin. You’re not allowed to move.” The two of them laughed before there was calls for cake and they finally moved closer, Michael’s eyes lighting up when he spotted her. He coaxed her to his side and she did so without much argument, her body fighting the exhaustion at this point.

“I know that there are some that want me to go out, but I’m ready to just crash if I’m honest.” He hummed and she grinned at him.

“Best idea you’ve had all day, Clifford.” This made him chuckle as the gathered group of friends began to sing Happy Birthday to him and his hand slipped in hers as he blew out the candles.

By the time the cake had been cut, she’d found herself sat next to him, her face nestled against his shoulder. She was beyond caring about what people would assume at this point, and when Michael pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head in full view of all of their friends, earning the whistles from his band mates, she relaxed.

“They won’t necessarily care that I’m this affectionate with you. But I can bet you that there will be photos all over the internet in the next hour of that.” He murmured and she snorted.

“Too tired to care. M’gonna worry about that tomorrow.” She hummed in return and he snickered.

When they got back to his place, instead of crawling into the guest room like she’d planned, unsure on what the sleeping arrangement was going to be, his fingers laced with hers and he pulled her into his room, the both of them getting changed into comfier clothes.

Crawling into bed beside him, she barely managed a whispered ‘goodnight’ before she was asleep, Michael following after almost immediately.

The next morning, or afternoon at least, when she woke up, she found herself happy enough to just remain cuddled into Michael, her eyes still heavy with sleep.

“Morning.” He groaned softly as she shifted onto her side to curl closer to him.

“Afternoon.” She fired back with a yawn and he laughed.

It took them both another hour to actually pull themselves from the bed, and that was when they realised that there was no food in his house and their stuff was in need to get washed.

“So much to do, too tired to care.” He groaned into her neck as they stood in the kitchen, her body leaning against his.

“I know, but we need food and we also need clean clothes. Especially for another party in a couple of days.” She kept the mention as casual as possible, but he spun her around with ease, her back pressing into the kitchen counter.

“Oh? And what party would that be?” He queried as his thumbs began to rub gentle circles on her hips.

“My housewarming party. Last time we were in LA, Ash helped me find a place to move into and get it ready for when we got back from tour.” His lips curved into a big smile.

“Look at you getting you own place,” he teased, lips meeting hers softly, “guess I have a better reason to clean my stuff now.” He murmured against her lips and she nodded in agreement.

“Yes you do. And you also have a reason to get your ass into gear and get breakfast. We’re both hungry and need to do something.” He laughed.

“Fine. But you’re coming with me. That photo from last night has probably done the rounds already. No point in trying to hide us now.”

“Considering that we’re not on tour anymore, I guess so. But I don’t want to be blatantly obvious about it.” She warned him, allowing him to pull her back upstairs to his bedroom.

“Fine.”

As they settled back into a routine, Y/N finally moving her stuff into her new place with the help of the boys, she found herself feeling more at home than she’d ever felt in England.

Her house party only seemed to enhance that as various friends celebrated her move in, amazed she’d managed to keep the move so quiet.

“Ashton helped me find a place and people aren’t willing to go against someone who looks like him. Plus because I wasn’t even moved into the place it was easy enough to get it off public record that I bought the house.”

She did her rounds with the various people, meeting new faces as well. She felt more welcomed as many greeted her with warm hugs and shouts of excitement at the fact she was moved into LA.

Alex especially had words to say, his arm slung around his wife.

“Listen, when I first met you, I just thought you’d be some punk kid, not going to lie. You were not what I expected at all.” He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes taking a swig of her beer.

Her eyes travelled to his bandmates who she’d extended the invite to, the only one declining was Zack, who was in Hawaii at the time.

“Listen, I didn’t expect you to be such a task master, but there you were, cracking the whip, trying to get me to work out that damn order for the album.” She snarked in return, earning laughter from the people surrounding the group.

Michael had slotted himself just behind her, his arm resting around her waist gently.

“Hey, it got you a kickass album, “ Alex fired back, “how is that coming along?”

“They’ve agreed to the twelve songs, six of which have been recorded or at least demoed. I’ve got Christmas off, so I’ll probably lock myself away and work on some more songs, at least get a tune down with the piano or guitar.” She explained with a shrug.

“If you’re lacking company at Christmas, we’re staying in LA this year, so you’re more than welcome to join us. You too, Mike.” Lisa offered and she beamed at the older woman.

“I’ll take you up on the offer. My parents know I can’t constantly fly there and back on a whim at the moment, especially whilst working on the album.” Alex nodded in understanding.

“It’s difficult, but you’ve got us and everyone else here, so you’re not short on guests or even places to go.” Y/N chuckled.

“It’s appreciated, trust me.”

She finally moved along to a few others, keeping a firm grip on Michael’s hand. He didn’t protest as they moved from group to group, talking about the album, the tour and everything in between. She knew this was the best choice she’d made in a long time.

It was after the houseparty, when almost all of the the guests had left, the housewarming gifts left on the dining room table, did she finally pull Michael upstairs, his lips curved up in an amused smile.

His lips were all over her as he pressed her into the bed sheets once their clothing was shed.

His name was the only thing that she could say coherently that night.

Waking up with him the next morning, his skin against hers, she realised how much she actually enjoyed the feeling especially knowing it was his arms she was waking up in.

Their journey to Australia wasn’t too bad. She was mostly jittery when Michael brought her around to his parents.

“I know you’ve already met her, but this is my girlfriend, Y/N.” He introduced the three of them properly, shocking her for a solid minute before her lips grew into this untouchable smile.

“So I’m your girlfriend, huh?” She teased him later that night as they lay together, cuddled tightly. He groaned.

“Would you like me to do a song and dance routine to ask you to be my girlfriend?” He murmured, shifting himself so that he was hovering above her, his lips at her neck.

“No, but clarification would be nice next time.” She breathed, a soft moan escaping as he found her sweet spot.

“Will you, please, be my girlfriend?” He murmured against her skin before pulling away, his eyes searching her face.

“Of course I will, dumbass.” His lips met hers once more.

His parents were easy going and she could see where his laid back nature came from.

“So are your parents going to be at the ARIA’s?” Karen asked the day before the awards show. She smiled ruefully into her cup of tea.

“I wish they were, but the cost of them to fly out was a lot more than I anticipated. So they’re going to be up stupidly early and try to watch a stream. But it’s the thought that counts for me, I know that my dad would’ve been there in a heartbeat if he could.” The two of them traded a quiet giggle as Michael followed in behind his dad, dropping a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“You okay?” He murmured and she nodded her head.

“Yeah, your rehearsal go okay?” Hers had been first thing that day, making her reluctant to leave the warm bed and her boyfriend. When she’d returned, he had already gotten up and left for his own rehearsal.

“Yeah. We’ve also seen the seating. You’re only a few seats away from us. Luke is next to Nicole Kidman.” This made her giggle.

Performing at the ARIA’s was certainly something she’d never expected to be doing, but the way that her song had been received, and seeing even the famous faces singing along, it melted her heart.

It was when she won Best Upcoming Artist that it really struck her that this was an actual event happening.

As she walked by the boys, she hugged all four of them, Michael’s lips lingering on her cheek for a moment before she rushed to the stage, her eyes staring at the award in her hand, shock being the only emotion that she could fully comprehend.

“This time last year, I had no idea where my life was going to go. I’d not long returned from LA I’d been offered the chance of a lifetime to not only record my EP with some incredible people, but I landed myself a record contract and chance of a lifetime. All I had was a finished single that was about to get released to the world and an EP that I was nervous about releasing. But seeing how quickly it gained traction, oh my god. I can only thank the people who have been so supportive of me, John Feldmann, Alex Gaskarth, the boys in 5 Seconds of Summer, my parents who are going to go ballistic over the phone when they see this.” This earned her laughter amongst the crowd.

“Just wow. Thank you so much for this.” She knew that she hadn’t been prepared, she hadn’t expected to win. But she had.

And when Michael found her later on, his smug grin said it all.

“I do believe I can say, I fucking told you so.” He teased her, crouching in front of her. She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up.” She muttered before leaning forward and kissing him quickly.

“So much for not being so blatant?” He teased and she groaned.

“I really don’t care right now. I’m happy. I won an award I didn’t think I’d even be nominated for. Literally a year ago I was a nobody.”

“And look at you now. I’m telling you, your own world tour will be next.” This made her laugh as she shook her head and they were called back to their own seats.

True to prediction, her parents called her, her mum screaming in excitement and her dad rattling off about how proud he was. Michael had his arms around her as she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. This was what made the move worth it.

The news did its round of their kiss, and she knew that there would be plenty of articles trashing her, but she cared less when they returned to LA, his hand in hers as they left the airport.

“I guess this is making us a thing now?” He teased he as they caught glimpse of another article online. She groaned.

“Pretty sure you need to take me out to dinner first, Clifford. Boyfriend or not.” He laughed.

“So, dinner?”

She could only laugh as he kissed her soundly, her heart racing as she smiled into the kiss. Things would be just fine.

---

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