#I routinely forget that bookmarking exists

[labomi]

selfish | two (18+)

Summary: You’re a former coworker of Kento Nanami back when he was just an office worker. You accidentally run into him at a bakery many years later which gives you a second chance at getting to know the man who had always caught your eye.

Pairing: Kento Nanami x f!Reader

Words: 8.6k

Warnings: Explicit sexual content (18+ only), vaginal sex, creampie, explicit language, alcohol

Notes: I’m so happy to get this out finally ajsfdsld thank you for all the lovely comments on the first part! I’m so glad people enjoyed it enough to convince me to write more! This will definitely be the last part for this fic, but I do have plans for more Nanami things in the future. Thanks for reading! It’s also up on my ao3 if you prefer to read it there!

Index: [Part One] [Part Two]

You were moving boxes in the storage room when you heard the chime of the front door opening. With a sudden jolt, you realized you had forgotten to change the sign from “open” to “closed” before cleaning up. Cursing at yourself for the careless mistake, you hoped the customer wouldn’t be too upset that the shop was actually shut down for the night.

“I’m sorry, but we’re closed,” you politely explained, emerging from the back room. But one look at the tall figure by the door caused you to stop in your tracks. A large smile grew on your face when you saw exactly who had entered the shop.

Nanami was still in his normal work attire, but he had left behind his signature blazer and sunglasses. The top few buttons of his blue dress shirt were undone, and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. You unconsciously licked your lips.

“I can make an exception for you though,” you teased with a wink before walking around the counter to greet your boyfriend.

As you waltzed into his open arms, Nanami leaned down to give you a sweet kiss as a greeting. You sighed happily against his lips. It felt so good to be with him after a long, tiring day. His presence always made you feel safe and warm. Like nothing could ever possibly go wrong as long as you were in his embrace.

Nanami’s hands latched onto your waist as he tried to deepen the kiss, but you reluctantly pulled away with a groan of frustration.

“As much as I’d like to continue, I have to finish closing up shop,” you complained with a pout.

Nanami kissed the top of your head before releasing you. “It’s alright. I’ll wait.”

You changed the sign on the door to “closed” to prevent any unwanted guests from entering the shop. You then wiped down all the counters and properly stored the leftover ingredients. Once finished with all your tasks, you took off your apron and shoved it in your bag. 

“I’m ready!” you called out to Nanami as you started to shut off all the lights. The two of you exited the now dark shop before you locked the front door.

Whenever you had a closing shift, Nanami always came to walk you home. You found it absolutely endearing. Even though you didn’t particularly mind traveling alone at night, the walk to your apartment was always more pleasant when the sorcerer was by your side.

It was almost midnight. The normally busy streets were now devoid of both cars and other pedestrians. You loved sharing these quiet moments with Nanami. Just the two of you enjoying each other’s presence with no one else around. Nanami preferred it this way too, especially because he wasn’t a particular fan of PDA.

You were holding onto Nanami’s hand as he quietly walked beside you. “How was work today?” you asked.

Nanami was a little sensitive about discussing his job as a sorcerer with you. He always refused to share the details of his missions, but he begrudgingly answered your general questions about his workday with vague responses.

“It was fine.” He squeezed your hand lightly. “I was able to get off early.”

“Lucky you! I wish I could have finished earlier,” you complained with a huff. “Closing shift is the worst.”

“Did you eat dinner at least?”

You nodded. “I got some takeout during my break.”

“Good.” He knew you had a bad habit of skipping dinner while you were working. You found it more convenient to just eat a granola bar, especially when it was busy. But Nanami always lightly chastised you when you did this, so you had been making more of an effort to eat better.

The two of you finally arrived at your apartment. Once inside, you immediately emptied out of your bag and threw your apron into the laundry hamper. Luckily, you were off of work for the next two days.

“Kento, you’re staying the night, right?” The sorcerer was still standing in your living room.

“I have to report to work early tomorrow. I don’t want to wake you.”

You rolled your eyes at him with a sigh. Nanami was too considerate of you sometimes. “You never wake me up. Plus, I have my 9 am class tomorrow, so I have to be up early anyway.”

Nanami knew you were right. Unlike him, you slept like the dead. Frankly, he was a little jealous. The sorcerer had always been a sensitive sleeper, but he found it much easier to relax in your presence. Since the two of you had started dating, the quality of his sleep remarkably improved.

“I’ll stay.” You grinned smugly. It didn’t take much to convince him to sleep over.

“Good. I’m going to shower.”

The two of you rarely spent the night apart from one another, alternating between each other’s apartments based on the convenience for the night. Nanami had his own toiletries, pajamas, and spare clothes in your apartment, and you had your own set of things at his place as well.

As you took your shower, Nanami changed into his sleepwear and sat on your couch, reading one of many books he left at your place. Once you announced you were done using the bathroom, the sorcerer placed a bookmark and set the book back down on your coffee table. You were already in the bedroom, changing into your pajamas and packing your bag for class tomorrow, knowing you would forget something if you waited until the morning.

You looked up as Nanami entered the room after washing up. You still found it relatively amusing to see him in such casual clothes: a pair of plaid pajama pants and a thin white t-shirt. But you were glad that only you got to see him like this. The man was the perfect example of prim and proper in public, but at home, he found it more appropriate to dress comfortably. And you thought he looked absolutely adorable. Especially with his unstyled hair.

After the lights were turned off, the two you snuggled in bed together and kissed each other goodnight. Within seconds, you were already fast asleep, exhausted from the long day. Nanami listened to the sound of your deep, even breathing. He felt completely at ease with you safely pressed against him. It wasn’t long before he followed you into a deep sleep.

---

Nanami’s life was simple before he met you at that bakery.

He went to work, came back home, read a book, had a glass of scotch, and made some dinner. The cycle repeated nearly every day, but Nanami didn’t particularly mind. He liked having a simple, predictable routine.

Once you reentered his life, things were a bit different. A bit more exciting. He wasn’t complaining.

Instead of only buying groceries for himself, he made sure to also buy your favorite snacks. Instead of making a reservation for one at a restaurant, he asked for a table for two. Instead of placing one set of utensils on his dining table, he always put down two.

Jujutsu sorcerers were a lonely group of people. They often felt isolated from the general population, born with unique abilities that allowed them to see things that most other people could not. 

It was a difficult path. Sorcerers faced a life full of constant battle and death. And the only people who could relate to their hardships were the same people dying by their sides. 

For this reason, sorcerers rarely interacted with people outside the jujutsu community. They saw themselves as an outsider to the rest of society. A society that was blissfully unaware of the existence of curses.

But it was different with you.

When Nanami was with you, he didn’t feel like an outsider or a jujutsu sorcerer.

He felt like a normal man.

The activities that Nanami once did alone were now the same activities he enjoyed doing together with you. He took you to his favorite bakery to pick out fresh bread every week. He escorted you to well-reviewed restaurants he had been meaning to visit. He even brought you to his beloved local bookstore, the one place he had been visiting for years as a regular customer.

The first time he took you into the shop, the owner couldn’t help but notice the way your hands were intertwined with one another. As you browsed through the shelves on your own, the old woman suggestively waggled her eyebrows at Nanami. 

“So you got a lady now?” she asked curiously.

Nanami thought it was a little odd that she was somehow keeping tabs on his relationship status, but he nodded anyway. 

“Ah! She’s a pretty one!”

You suddenly reappeared with a tall stack of secondhand books in your arms. “Kento! This place is amazing! I’m going to buy all of these!”

“Oh, definitely a keeper too,” the owner commented.

Nanami found himself agreeing. 

He didn’t know if you could be any more perfect.

Nanami had always enjoyed cooking. He loved the process of selecting a recipe, buying fresh ingredients, and turning them into a delicious, home-cooked meal. But he learned that enjoyed cooking even more when it was for you.

The sorcerer was appalled to hear that you hardly ever cooked for yourself. He had surveyed the state of your freezer in utter disgust. It was crammed full of boxes of microwavable meals and several pints of ice cream. You defended yourself vehemently, claiming that you were too busy to cook between classes, work, and study sessions. The microwave was the easiest and quickest appliance to use after all. And sometimes you just wanted ice cream for dinner.

Nanami took it upon himself to make sure you were eating proper, nutritious meals. In his eyes, it was less of a chore and more of a hobby. He enjoyed learning what you liked. He looked forward to hearing your thoughts about a recipe. He loved the way your eyes lit up whenever he presented a new dish. The sorcerer had even subscribed to food magazines and bought some international cookbooks just to try out with you.

Every morning, Nanami packed you a healthy lunch to ensure you wouldn’t just eat a granola bar for the entire day. And whenever the two of you both had a free night, you always ate dinner together.

In particular, Friday nights had become a weekly tradition between the two of you. Nanami would prepare a special dinner with some fancy wine. The two of you would even dress up a little to celebrate the start of the weekend.

You knocked on Nanami’s door one Friday night, wearing a simple yet elegant dress with just a hint of makeup on your face. The door opened and you were instantly greeted by the mouth-watering smell of whatever the man was cooking in the kitchen. But the sight of Nanami was even more distracting. He was wearing an apron over a tight black button-up shirt with gray slacks. You bit your lip softly, eyeing him appreciatively.

While you enjoyed going out to eat in a restaurant, there was something more intimate about Nanami cooking dinner at home just for the two of you. Plus, the atmosphere was always lovely. His apartment was clean, spacious, and well-decorated. Whatever jujutsu sorcerers got paid, it was clearly more than enough.

“It smells good,” you hummed. “What are you making tonight?”

The sorcerer never revealed dinner to you in advance. For some reason, he always wanted to keep it a surprise.

“Homemade linguine with shrimp. I also got some fresh bread to go along with it.”

Your eyes lit up instantly. “Oooh, sounds delicious! I didn’t know you knew how to make pasta from scratch.”

Everything that Nanami prepared was always amazing. There was never a meal he made that you didn’t enjoy. The first time he cooked you dinner, you almost wanted to propose to him right then and there. A man with those looks and proper culinary skills? You felt like the luckiest person in the world.

You always offered to help Nanami while he was cooking but he would gently shoo you out of the kitchen every time. You weren’t sure if it was because he wanted you to sit back and relax or if it was because he thought you would mess things up. 

It was probably the latter. 

(Most definitely the latter.)

Due to your clear lack of culinary expertise, you were in charge of cleaning all the pots and pans and loading the dishwasher. You couldn’t complain.

Your post-dinner activities were always the same. The two of you would play a movie and then immediately proceed to ignore it for the rest of the night.

Tonight was no different. 

You moaned loudly, writhing about on the couch. “Kento, fuck.”

Your dress was hiked up around your hips, underwear already discarded with Nanami’s face in between your legs. You were already shuddering through your second orgasm of the night with Nanami eagerly lapping up your fluids. His strong arms locked your thrashing legs into place as you gripped the edges of the couch, riding out the last few waves of intense pleasure.

You looked up at him through half-lidded eyes as he pulled back, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt. “Ready?” he asked in a deep voice. His pupils were blown open in lust. You nodded, still trying to catch your breath. The man gathered you in his arms and headed to the bedroom.

He carefully set you down on unsteady legs as he pulled the zipper down your dress until the garment fell and landed in a heap on the ground. To his pleasant surprise, you were already braless. You turned around and started to slowly unbutton Nanami’s dress shirt, taking your sweet time. His gaze raked over your entire figure, causing your fingers to fumble as you flushed from the intensity of his stare. Eventually, Nanami had enough. He threw you on the bed and quickly shed the rest of his clothes on his own.

“You’re so beautiful,” he breathed, climbing on the bed and hovering over you. His large, calloused hands roamed all over your bare skin while his mouth focused on sucking at the sensitive spots on your neck.

You relished the feel of Nanami’s touch all over you, but one glance at his painfully hard cock had your cunt begging to be filled.

“Kento,” you whined. “I can’t wait. Fuck me, please. I need you inside me, right now.”

Nanami sheathed his entire length inside you with just one sharp thrust. He proceeded to fuck you hard and fast, just the way you liked. Each snap of his hips left you a complete mess underneath him, moaning his name over and over again. It was just barely audible over the lewd, wet sounds of your desperate cunt squeezing around him.

Nanami grabbed one of your hands and interlocked his fingers with yours. A sweet gesture as he roughly pounded you into the bed. The two of you were so worked up that it didn’t take long for the both of you to quickly become undone. You arched your back and tightly gripped Nanami’s hand as uncontrollable pleasure coursed throughout your entire body. Nanami groaned your name as he sloppily thrust into you several more times before flooding your cunt with his cum. 

When he finally pulled out, Nanami was satisfied to see his seed trickling out of you.

“Kento,” you called his name, suddenly feeling shy under his intense gaze.

The man adjusted his position so he was now laying next to you. He kissed you sweetly and whispered praises of you as you giggled breathlessly.

“Hmm, I don’t want to get out of bed and clean up yet.”

“Then don’t,” Nanami said with a devious look in his eyes. 

It was then that you felt his length hardening once again against your thigh. He suddenly pulled you on top of him as he laid on his back. The movement caused your sensitive folds to inadvertently rub against his dick as you straddled his hips. You gasped at the feeling, clutching at his chest to prop you up. 

“I’m not done with you yet,” he growled.

---

It was a slow afternoon when a man entered the boba shop. He wore an all-black outfit and a matching beanie. Tufts of his disheveled brown hair stuck out from underneath.

“Hello!” You greeted him inside as his eyes flickered around the place nervously before walking up to the cash register. 

“What would you like to order?”

Instead of browsing the menu, the man’s gaze was focused elsewhere. Specifically, your chest. You stood there uncomfortably, wondering if you should say something or just ignore him. But then you realized the man wasn’t being a creep. He was reading your name tag.

The man said your name out loud hesitantly.

“Yes? That’s me.” You tilted your head slightly, trying to figure out if you knew this man. Nothing about his appearance rang a bell. You then started to worry about whether or not you were supposed to recognize him. Was he a current classmate? A former coworker?

The man’s eyes instantly lit up. “You’re Nanami’s girlfriend, right?”

Your eyes widened in surprise.

Kento? He knows Kento?

“Oh, um, yes I am.” The question had taken you off guard. You weren’t expecting a random customer to mention your boyfriend’s name.

“It’s so nice to meet you!” The man smiled brightly at you, looking extremely excited. “Gojo always mentions how pretty and kind you are, so I couldn’t resist visiting when he told me you worked here.”

Gojo?

If this man knew both Nanami and Gojo, did this mean he was also a sorcerer? 

The stranger had piqued your curiosity, and you just couldn’t give up the opportunity to sit down and chat with him. Luckily, it was a slow day and you convinced your coworker to allow you to take your break early. After preparing two drinks, you slipped into a booth in the back of the shop with the man taking a seat across from you.

“I’m Ino Takuma.” The man introduced himself to you.

“So, if you know Gojo and Kento, does that mean you’re a sorcerer?” You kept your voice hushed while asking, just in case your nosy coworkers were trying to listen in on your conversation.

Ino nodded. “Yep, I am.”

You couldn’t help but feel excited to meet another one of Nanami’s colleagues. He purposely tried to shield you from the jujutsu world, but it only made you more curious. Plus, you wanted to know more about what Nanami was like as a sorcerer. He was always so gentle and sweet with you. Well, except for in bed. But it was sometimes hard to imagine that he exorcised curses for a living.

“Do you know Kento well?” you asked curiously.

Ino nodded eagerly. “Yes! I worked with him on a mission once and since then, I’ve really respected him.” He blushed a little, rubbing the back of his head. “Nanami is my role model. I don’t see myself as a particularly smart guy, so whenever I don’t know what to do, I always ask myself what would Nanami do?”

Ino’s words were full of sincerity. In some ways, he reminded you of Itadori. Both of the boys seemed to admire Nanami in a way you would never understand as a non-sorcerer. But it made your heart full knowing that Nanami was a trusted mentor in his workplace.

“Does that mean Kento is strong?” You were a little hesitant to ask the question. As an outsider to the jujutsu world, you didn’t know what made a sorcerer strong. But if another sorcerer told you that Nanami was indeed powerful, you would feel comforted. You knew his job was dangerous, so you obviously worried about his safety, but you tried your best not to show it around him.

“Nanami is super strong!” Ino exclaimed, arms flailing around to emphasize his point. “He’s a Grade 1 sorcerer! That’s practically the best you can be!”

You bit back a sigh of relief. “That’s good to know. Thank you, Ino.”

The two of you continued to chat for the rest of your break, getting to know each other better. Ino even successfully squeezed out of you Nanami’s favorite bakery and favorite bookstore. He claimed he wanted to surprise the man with a gift he would actually appreciate. You encouraged him with a warm smile.

“Thank you for the tea and the conversation,” Ino said, sliding out of the booth. He hovered around you with a light blush dusting his cheeks again. “Um, next time you see Nanami, can you maybe ask him about my recommendation to a Grade 1 sorcerer? If you don’t mind that is!”

“Sure! Will do. It was great meeting you. Thank you for helping to keep Kento safe!”

Ino’s eyes widened at your words. He puffed out his chest proudly. “Of course!”

You waved at him as he exited the shop with a loud farewell.

After your shift, you had returned to your apartment to change and grab some things to spend the night at Nanami’s apartment. When you arrived at his place, the man was already setting the table for dinner. You hugged him from behind with a happy hum as finished his task. Nanami gently removed your arms from around him before turning around and greeting you with a kiss.

“Welcome home.”

“Dinner smells good,” you commented happily. “I’m starving!”

Nanami chuckled lightly. He pulled out a chair for you. “Sit down and I’ll serve you.”

The two of you sat at the table together, plates filled with delicious curry rice.

“How was your day today?” Nanami asked once you both started eating.

“Oh!” You swallowed your bite. “I actually met a coworker of yours. He came to the shop.”

“Who?” Nanami looked rather unhappy, gripping the spoon in his hand forcefully.

“Ino Takuma.”

Nanami sighed, rubbing his forehead in irritation. “I’m sorry. I’ll make sure to tell him to stay away from you. I have no idea how he found your workplace in the first place.”

“Huh? What? No, it’s fine! Ino was very kind and sweet. I enjoyed chatting with him. Also, don’t be too mad at him, Gojo was the one who told him about me.”

Nanami clenched his fist. The next time he saw that white-haired idiot, he was going to kill him.

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “Kento, why are you so against me meeting other jujutsu sorcerers? These people are important to you, no? I want to meet them.”

Nanami refused to meet your gaze. He still wasn’t comfortable with the thought of you interacting with the jujutsu world, sorcerers included. “I’m just trying to prote—”

“Protect me, I know.” You let out a deep sigh. “But I don’t want you to hide your life as a sorcerer from me. It’s a big part of your identity, and I want to learn more about jujutsu so I can understand you, Gojo, Itadori, and everyone better.” You lowered your voice slightly. “I care about you all, you know.”

Nanami reached out across to the table to gently hold your hand. “I know,” he admitted quietly. “I’m sorry.” He knew that shielding you from the jujutsu world as much as possible wasn’t doing you or him any favors. But Nanami didn’t know what else to do. He never imagined he would be dating someone while working as a sorcerer. And he especially never imagined he would be dating a non-sorcerer. 

Relationships between sorcerers and non-sorcerers rarely worked out, so Nanami tried to restrict your access to the jujutsu world as much as possible. He refused to talk about his missions with you. He tried to limit the presence of other sorcerers around you. He did this to protect you, but maybe he was doing it to protect himself instead. He didn’t want to lose you or scare you away.

“I do want to share my life as a sorcerer with you.” Nanami was struggling to find the right words. “But it’s difficult for me.” He had always envisioned his personal life and his work life as two separate spheres, but you were beginning to blur those lines. “I promise I’ll do better.”

You smiled softly, appreciating his efforts. “Well, we can take it slow.”

“Thank you.”

You were cleaning the dishes in the sink when Nanami wrapped his arms around your waist and nuzzled his face in your neck. Both of you felt so much lighter after the discussion during dinner.

“Oh!” A sudden realization popped into your mind. “I forgot to mention. Ino asked me to tell you not to forget his Grade 1 sorcerer recommendation.”

Nanami groaned in the crook of your neck. “Of course he did, that impatient kid.”

“What’s a recommendation? Are you not going to do it?”

He sighed. “It’s complicated.”

“Kento,” you whined.

“Alright. I’ll explain it to you after you’re done.”

---

You had just finished class when a text popped up on your phone. It was from Gojo.

Gojo: Hey! Do you want to go to dinner with me, Yuji, and Nanami tonight????

Dinner? You felt a tinge of excitement.

You: Sure! I’m free!

You didn’t know what the occasion was for, but you were grateful for the invite. Gojo often stopped by at your workplace, occasionally accompanied by Itadori, to greet you and grab a sweet drink. But you unfortunately never had the time to properly sit down with him and catch up. 

Out of all sorcerers you had met so far, Gojo was the most mysterious. After all, what sort of man wore a blindfold in public? And now that you thought about it, how did he always seem to know when you were working? Especially since your work schedule differed from week to week...

Weird.

Gojo: Great! I’ll send you the time and place later~

You: Thanks! See you then!

You were about to text Nanami and tell him you were looking forward to dinner when one of your classmates called your name.

“Yes?” you asked, looking away from your phone.

“Want to join our study group? We’re heading to the library right now!”

“Yeah, sure! Coming!”

It was only after you left the library several hours later that you realized you had forgotten to text Nanami. But you figured it wasn’t a big deal since you would soon see him at dinner. 

Nanami looked at his watch impatiently. It was already past 5 pm. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be back in his apartment, prepping dinner for you. “What are we doing here, Gojo? I need to get home.”

The white-haired calmly rested his arms behind his head with a suspicious smirk on his face. “Relax, Nanami. We’re waiting for a surprise.”

Itadori perked up beside him, looking up at his sensei with wide eyes. “A surprise?! What kind of surprise?”

Gojo chuckled. “The best kind.”

Nanami let out an exasperated sigh. He removed his sunglasses and put them in his pocket. The three sorcerers were standing around in the middle of a busy street filled with pedestrians. “I don’t have time for such frivolities, Gojo. Excuse me, but I’m leavi—”

“Wait!” Gojo exclaimed. He waved at someone in the crowd. “She’s here!”

“She?” Nanami repeated, trying to follow Gojo’s line of sight.

It was easy to spot Gojo, even amongst the giant, moving crowd. The tall man towered over everyone else and his bright, white hair easily stood out in the background. You could see him waving his hand at you, so you waved back.

Squeezing your way through the crowd, you joined up with the three sorcerers with an excited grin. “Hi!”

“Say hello to the surprise,” Gojo announced, waltzing over to your side and wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

Itadori looked thrilled to see you, but as your eyes shifted to Nanami, you immediately sensed something was wrong.

“Gojo, you did tell Kento you invited me, right?” you asked cautiously, looking up at the tall man.

The sorcerer hummed to himself for several seconds before responding. “Nope!”

You blanched. Uh oh. You should have texted him.

Nanami didn’t look too visibly upset, but he was pinching the bridge of his nose with a frown. When would that idiot stop meddling with his personal life behind his back?

“Na-na-mi,” Gojo said in a singsong voice. “Are you excited to see your stunning, beautiful, and gorgeous girlfriend? Shouldn’t you be thanking me for bringing her here?” The white-haired sorcerer pulled you even closer to him. He didn’t miss the way Nanami’s eyes instantly narrowed at him.

Nanami grabbed your wrist and pulled you out of Gojo’s grasp until you were comfortably nestled against his side. He couldn’t stand seeing that man's hands on you. “Don’t let him touch you. His idiocy is contagious.”

You giggled at the comment. Gojo let out a satisfied hum, watching the two of you together. “Alright, lovebirds!” He clapped his hands together. “It’s time for dinner!”

“Dinner?!” Itadori gasped. He started salivating at the thought of food. “Gojo-sensei, what are we eating?”

The tall sorcerer patted the top of Itadori’s head affectionately. “To celebrate Yuji’s last night as a dead man, we’re going to a steakhouse!”

The kid loudly cheered as you looked to Nanami for clarification.

“Itadori is being introduced back to the school tomorrow.”

“Oh, I see.” Gojo had told you before that the Itadori was supposed to be dead and not to mention his existence to anyone. You didn’t understand why and you didn’t ask, but you kept your promise. The young sorcerer bounced around excitedly before hugging Gojo. You couldn’t help but smile at the adorable interaction.

“Let’s hurry up, so we’re not late for our reservation.” Gojo started walking quickly through the crowd with Itadori right by his side. You and Nanami were a little ways behind them as you found it hard to keep up with Gojo’s brisk pace. He pressed a warm hand against your lower back, guiding you through the large crowd.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that Gojo invited me,” you apologized. Even though Nanami said he would be more open about the jujutsu world, you knew he was still sensitive about you spending too much time around other sorcerers. “I was going to text you but then some classmates asked me if I wanted to study with them, and I said yes because you know I need all the help I can get, and then I completely forgot to message you and by the time I left the library and actually remembered I didn’t text you, I thought it wasn’t worth it since I was going to be seeing you at dinner soon, and I, uh, yeah.” You winced, realizing you were rambling yet again.

“It’s not your fault,” he assured you. “That idiot always has something up this sleeve.”

“You’re not upset, right?”

He rubbed his hand up and down your back. It sent a tingle up your spine. “I'm not upset," Nanami replied honestly. "I’m glad you’re here.”

You slid into the booth at the steakhouse. Itadori was already seated across from you. Gojo was about to take the open seat next to you, but Nanami grabbed the back of the man’s uniform and shoved him away. 

“Hey!” the sorcerer loudly complained.

Nanami sat down next to you, completely unbothered. “Sit with your student, Gojo.” You tried to stifle your laughter, looking at the two men in complete amusement. 

Gojo slid into the booth next to Itadori with a carefree grin. Teasing Nanami was too easy when you were around.

The four of you had a pleasant dinner together. Your only complaint was the way Nanami rubbed your thigh with his left hand the entire time while waiting for the food to arrive. You were wearing a rather short dress which rode up as you sat down, giving him perfect access to your bare skin. It was incredibly distracting. 

You were a little surprised that Nanami was doing something like this in public, even though it was mostly hidden from sight. Part of you wondered if it was because Gojo was present. Nanami always acted a little differently with you when the other sorcerer was around.

For some reason, you couldn't shake the feeling that Gojo knew exactly what was happening underneath the table. Even with his blindfold on, you could tell that the sorcerer was looking right at you with a knowing smile on his face. You felt a little flustered, but Nanami seemed completely unperturbed. Perhaps it was just your imagination.

After dinner, you followed Itadori out the front door of the restaurant.

“Ah! I’m so stuffed!” he commented with a satisfied hum, rubbing his belly.

“I hope you still have room for some dessert.”

The two of you turned back to look at Gojo. Nanami was only a couple of steps behind him.

“Oh! Dessert? Don’t worry, Sensei. I always got room for that!” He gave Gojo a thumbs up.

“Great! I happen to know an amazing ice cream shop around the corner!” You blinked in surprise as the white-haired sorcerer wrapped a long arm around your shoulder again and started ushering you towards the destination. “Let’s get going!”

What you didn’t see was the way Gojo turned his head back to send a smug look to his dear friend. Nanami glared at the sorcerer but didn’t intervene. The walk to the shop was short, and you didn’t appear to be uncomfortable, happily chatting away with Itadori about the best and worst ice cream flavors.

It wasn’t until you all arrived at the shop that you pulled away from Gojo and latched onto his arm instead. “What are you going to get?”

“Hmm. I don’t know. What do you want?” he asked.

You looked at the menu, eyes squinting in concentration. “I’m stuck between Peanut Butter Cup and Mint Chocolate Chip.”

“Pick one and I’ll get the other. We can share.”

Your eyes widened. “Really? You don’t have to.” 

Nanami smiled softly at that adorable look on your face. He gently tucked a hair away from your face. “I like both of those flavors anyway.”

Itadori and Gojo silently exchanged looks with one another. They were both internally squealing at the cute exchange they just witnessed between the two of you. It was rare to see such a soft side of Nanami in public. 

“Nanami,” Gojo cooed, a little jealous. “Do you want to share some ice cream with me too?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Huh? Why not?” the sorcerer whined.

“Because you’ll get the most sickening ice cream flavor of them all.”

Nanami was absolutely correct.

Gojo ordered a large cone of triple chocolate ice cream with chunks of brownies, cookie dough, and fudge mixed with swirls of caramel and marshmallow. 

It was a complete abomination.

The four of you sat outside, enjoying the nice weather while indulging in ice cream. You thought it was cute how Itadori’s strawberry cone almost matched the color of his hair. Once everyone finished their dessert, the group finally split up. You waved goodbye at Gojo and Itadori. “Good luck tomorrow, Itadori!” He had shared with you earlier about how excited (and a little nervous) he was to see his classmates again. You hoped the reunion went well.

It was a quiet walk home with Nanami. The two you held hands, enjoying the calm atmosphere now that Gojo and Itadori were both gone. 

As soon as you entered Nanami’s apartment, you took off your shoes as Nanami removed his blazer. “I had a good time tonight,” you mused. “Itadori is such a sweetie, and Gojo—”

Your words were cut off with a gasp as Nanami roughly pushed you against the wall. He put a knee in between your legs, and one of his hands began to crawl up your exposed thigh. You instinctively wrapped your arms around his neck, shivering as you felt the pleasant tingle of his touch. He gave you such a heated look that it left you swallowing nervously.

“I don’t want to hear another man’s name out of your mouth tonight,” he growled in your ear.

You looked back at him, both half-amused and half-aroused. “I’m only yours, Kento.”

“Good.”

Nanami whisked you away to the bedroom as you laughed breathily in his arms.

---

Nanami surveyed the numerous body bags in the morgue of Tokyo Jujutsu High.

“Three Grade 2 sorcerers. One Semi-Grade 1 sorcerer. Five Auxiliary Managers. Two storage attendants,” Ijichi listed off the number of casualties. 

Nanami clenched his fists. “This is the same curse that Itadori and I fought together, correct?”

“Yes,” the manager replied, pushing up his glasses. “Shoko confirmed that the bodies were all disfigured in the same manner.”

The sorcerer grit his teeth in frustration. He blamed himself. If he had been able to exorcise the curse back then, these innocent lives might have been spared. After all, it was his fault that Mahito had escaped. He hadn’t been quick enough.

“Gojo, can I have a private word with you?”

The white-haired sorcerer had been leaning against the wall the entire time, quiet for once.

“I’ll take my leave,” Ijichi announced, exiting the room. 

Nanami broke the silence first.

“If anything happens to me, promise me you’ll take care of her.”

Gojo didn’t respond right away. “Why are you telling me this?” he asked in an unusually serious tone.

“Mahito is still around. My attacks are not effective against him. He seems to have a special interest in me, so there is a high probability we will run into each other again. And I may not be lucky enough to have Itadori by my side then.”

“No.”

“What?!” Nanami whipped around to face the sorcerer. The fury in his eyes was hidden by his sunglasses, but Gojo could sense the anger all the same.

“No, I won’t promise to take care of her.”

“Gojo, you—”

“Stop acting like you’re trying to die.” Nanami stiffened. “Take care of her yourself. You’re strong.”

A tense silence hung in the air. 

Nanami let out a deep breath.

“Thank you, Gojo.”

---

The next day, Nanami had just finished a mission when the Kyoto Sister-School Goodwill Event ended. He came back to campus to see all the students in baseball uniforms. Wasn’t the second day dedicated to individual battles?

“Oh, Nanami!” Gojo called out, jogging over to him. He had forgone his blindfold for a pair of sunglasses and wore a simple button-up shirt and pants instead of his normal uniform. “Too bad you missed the game! We won!”

“The game?”

Gojo nodded with a devious look on his face. “Yup! This year, the Goodwill Event winner was determined by a baseball game!” He laughed victoriously. 

Nanami shook his head. Only Gojo could successfully pull off a stunt like this in front of both school principals.

“By the way, we’re going out for some drinks tonight. Even Utahime and Mei Mei said they would join. You should come. And bring your girlfriend too.”

“Absolutely not.” There was potentially a traitor among the group, and Gojo thought it was a good idea to bring you into the mix? There was no way he was going to let that happen.

“Too bad. I already invited her.”

“You what?! ” Nanami fumed.

“You mad or something?”

Nanami thought about trying to strangle the white-haired sorcerer when his phone chimed. It was a message from you.

You: Gojo invited me out with you guys tonight. Is that ok?

“Is that her?” Gojo asked, trying to peek at Nanami’s phone screen.

“None of your business.”

He began typing his response.

“I know you won’t say no to her,” Gojo hummed. The other sorcerer ignored him.

Nanami: Yeah, it’s fine. I’ll pick you up and we’ll go together?

You: I have to stay a lil late at work :( someone called out sick so I’ll just meet you all there

Nanami: You sure? I don’t mind waiting for you.

You: Yup it’s fine! See you tonight!

Nanami locked his phone and put it away.

“So?” Gojo asked, eyebrows raised expectantly.

“She’s coming,” Nanami grumbled.

The white-haired sorcerer clapped his hands together excitedly like he hadn’t planned for this to happen from the start. “Great! I’m looking forward to tonight!”

Nanami glared at him in response.

“What? You still mad?”

Nanami tapped his fingers absentmindedly on the table. You still hadn’t arrived yet. Utahime was somehow already drunk, loudly laughing at something Shoko said. Gojo was bothering Ijichi who was sputtering nervously, and Mei Mei was silently sipping on a cocktail she forced Gojo to buy for her. Nanami bit back a sigh. He missed you.

“I heard from a little birdie that you have a girlfriend now, Nanami. And a non-sorcerer one at that,” Mei Mei commented with a sly smile. 

Nanami looked at Gojo, knowing exactly who this “little birdie” was, but the white-haired sorcerer turned away with a whistle.

“A girlfriend?!” Utahime gasped. She grabbed Shoko’s shoulders and violently shook her. “Shoko, did you know about this?”

The doctor was completely unfazed. “Yeah. We’ve all met her before except you and Mei Mei.”

Utahime covered her face and made dramatic sobbing noises. “Out of all of us, it’s Nanami who’s dating first?!”

Nanami’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance. What was that supposed to mean?

“Shoko!” Utahime whined. “Will you marry me if I’m still single at 40?”

“I’ll do it!” Gojo quipped. 

The Kyoto sorcerer made a disgusted gagging noise. “Like hell I would ever agree to that!”

“I’ll do it for money. How much would you pay me?” Mei Mei asked.

“You guys are all terrible!” Utahime exclaimed. She latched onto Shoko. “Only Shoko is nice to me!”

“But I never said I would marry you,” the doctor pointed out calmly.

The entire table burst into laughter. Nanami quietly sipped on his beer. 

“Sorry, I’m late!” Your bright voice finally caught the man’s attention. You waved at the group, heading over. Nanami got up to greet you but a certain white-haired man beat him to it.

Gojo called your name happily, wrapping you into an unexpected bear hug.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Nanami commanded, immediately dragging the sorcerer off of you and kicking him back into his seat. 

You chuckled lightly before hugging Nanami too. Hesitating for a little bit, you decided to kiss the man on the cheek. You knew he didn’t like PDA, but you still wanted to greet him affectionately.

“I think you missed,” Gojo pointed out. 

Flushing in embarrassment at Gojo's comment, you were about to pull away and take a seat, but Nanami suddenly leaned down and kissed you on the lips deeply. It was so unexpected that you couldn’t suppress the noise of surprise that left your throat. You could vaguely hear the cheering and wolf whistles from the table which only made you blush more. Nanami finally pulled away, leaving you breathless.

“Now that’s more like it,” Gojo commented with a slow clap.

Ijichi covered his face with his hands, unable to believe he witnessed Nanami in such a manner. Utahime’s jaw dropped open in complete shock. Shoko was busy rummaging through her purse for a cigarette. Mei Mei raised her eyebrows, impressed at Nanami’s boldness.

Gojo gestured to you. “Well, say hi to Nanami’s girlfriend, everyone!”

You shyly waved at them. “Hi,” you squeaked, still embarrassed.

Even though you had the day off tomorrow, you hadn’t planned on drinking a lot during the night. But Utahime challenged all the girls to a drink-off and you couldn’t resist participating to get to know the other women better. Mei Mei only agreed to partake once Gojo confirmed he would cover everyone’s tabs.

It turned out that both Shoko and Mei Mei had incredibly high tolerances. You and Utahime on the other hand, not so much.

You groaned, struggling to climb the steps up to Nanami’s apartment. After watching your pitiful attempt, the sorcerer lifted you in his arms and carried you the rest of the way.

“Ugh, I’m sorry,” you mumbled. You felt bad that Nanami had to take care of you, especially because you had not intended to get this drunk.

“Don’t apologize.” He carefully set you down on your feet as he opened his apartment door. Nanami helped you wash up and get changed before joining you in bed once he was done with his own nightly routine.

You were practically laying on top of Nanami while rubbing a hand down his firm chest. When your hand started to wander lower, he gently took it and brought it up to his face to kiss it. “We should go to sleep.”

You pouted a little but mumbled in agreement, rolling off the man and nestling into his side instead. “Good night, Kento. Love you.”

Nanami stiffened, suddenly wide awake after hearing your words. He was filled with such an indescribable emotion that it left him completely speechless. Nanami was worried you would be upset that he hadn’t responded right away, but he was instead greeted by the familiar sound of your slow, deep breaths. You were asleep.

He let out a sigh. Nanami wondered if you would remember your confession in the morning, but he doubted it. Your memory was always spotty when you got this drunk.

Nanami kissed your head, stroking your hair gently. 

“I love you too.”

---

“Is something wrong?”

Nanami didn’t even look up from the newspaper he was reading to address the white-haired sorcerer. “Everything is fine. Why are you asking?”

Gojo hummed, tapping a finger on his chin in thought. His sharp eyes took in his friend’s appearance. “You seem a bit tense. You didn’t have a fight with the girlfriend, did you?”

“Nothing of that sort happened. And even if it did, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“So you did have a fight!” Gojo exclaimed.

Nanami turned the page. “No, we did not. And just to stop your incessant bothering, I will tell you that she has a very important exam today, so I have not seen her in several days to allow her to focus on studying.”

“Ahh, I see!” It made perfect sense to Gojo now. “You look so tense because you’re sexually frustrated!”

Nanami crumbled the edges of the newspaper in his hands. “I refuse to talk about such things with you.”

“Oh, but you’re not denying it,” Gojo pointed you. “Nanami, there is absolutely no shame in talking about our sex lives. We should be more open about sex to destigmatize it. For example, last week I—”

“I’m leaving,” Nanami suddenly announced. He folded up his newspaper and exited the lounge. He’d rather fight four Grade One curses single-handedly than hear about that man’s sex life.

---

Nanami couldn’t keep his hands off of you. As soon as you walked through his apartment door, cheering that you were finally done with your exam, he immediately pulled you into his arms and kissed you wantonly.

Your absence in the past few days was so striking. He had trouble sleeping and didn’t even feel like cooking without your familiar presence around him. It was so good to have you back again.

You giggled at his eagerness, looking up at him with a knowing smile. “Did you miss me?”

Nanami was already ushering you towards his bedroom.

“Let me show you just how much I missed you.”

The next morning, you stumbled out of Nanami’s bedroom with a loud yawn. You had no class or work for the day, so you were looking forward to lounging around Nanami’s apartment as a reward for suffering through your exam yesterday.

You perked up when you smelled something good in the air. Popping your head in the kitchen, you saw Nanami flipping pancakes.

“Good morning!” You eyed the pancakes with a hungry look.

“Good morning. Breakfast will be ready in a few,” Nanami replied, adding more batter into the pan.

“Okay!” You left to quickly get dressed for the day.

By the time you returned, Nanami was setting down a plate on the table piled high with fluffy blueberry pancakes.

“Thank you for breakfast!” you said with a wide grin, snatching two pancakes and putting them on your own plate.

After eating, Nanami looked at this watch with a small frown. “I have to go.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll clean everything up.” You headed over to the door where Nanami was slipping into his shoes and putting on his blazer. Before he opened the door, you stepped in to fix his tie that was just slightly askew.

“I’ll see you tonight, handsome?”

“Of course.”

For you, Nanami would do everything in his power to make sure he finished work on time and returned home as soon as possible. He used to look forward to the end of the workday because he hated working. But now he looked forward to the end of the workday because he got to see you.

As a jujutsu sorcerer, Nanami knew he couldn’t take anything for granted. Any amount of time spent with you was absolutely precious to him. So he wanted to make sure to maximize that amount of time as much as possible.

Nanami leaned down to kiss you.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

You blinked.

Huh?

Did he say…?

Wait, did you say....?

Your eyes widened in realization as you covered your mouth in shock.

Nanami said he loved you.

And you immediately said you loved him back.

The words had slipped right out of your mouth without you even realizing it.

“Enjoy your day off,” Nanami said nonchalantly before exiting the apartment. The door gently closed shut behind him.

When Nanami arrived at work, a certain white-haired sorcerer knew something was different about his friend.

“What happened with her?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Gojo grabbed his phone and dialed a number quickly. “You owe me money, Mei Mei! I won the bet! I told you they would confess their love to each other before the end of the month.”

Nanami clenched his jaw.

Bet?

The sorcerer menacingly stood over Gojo, sword withdrawn and cursed energy swirling around him angrily. “What bet?”

Gojo removed the phone from his ear. Mei Mei could be heard angrily yelling from the device, clearly upset about losing a large sum of money. “Now, now, Nanami. You’re only this angry at me because I’m correct, right? You two finally confessed to each other?”

Nanami took his tie off and wrapped it around his hand.

The white-haired sorcerer threw his head back with a howl of laughter. “I’ll take that as a yes! But before you try to kill me, just know that a) it’s impossible and b) I only agreed to this bet to prove Mei Mei wrong. She didn’t think you had it in you to confess so soon! But I always had faith in you because I’m such a good friend!”

Nanami took a menacing step forward towards Gojo, but the sound of his phone chiming stopped his advance. Gojo took that as a sign to escape with his loud laughter still echoing in the hallways.

With a sigh, Nanami unlocked his phone to read the text from you.

You: Wanted to say I love you ♡

You: Just in case you didn’t hear earlier

You: But I’m pretty sure you did...

You: I just want to be sure

You: Anyways I’ll see you later :) 

You: Miss you already

You: I'll try not to destroy your apartment

You: Ok sorry I'll stop bothering you now

He couldn’t wait to come home to you tonight.

[princecharmingmendes]

Heart by Heart | Chapter VII | Raul Mendes

                                               *secret agent AU*

Y/N and Raul have been friends ever since they could remember. And falling in love with your best friend can be pretty tricky and messy 99% of the times, add that to the fact they're constantly risking their lives side by side on the field since they're both secret agents, and the best team that's ever existed. Perfect recipe for disaster.

Oh hi, this is the seventh chapter of this series, you can find the first ones here. I can’t believe we are already halfway there! Please read the warnings on this one, if you don't feel comfortable with the contents listed on the "warnings" section, please read something else, there are a lot of other works on my masterlist and on the "fic rec" hashtag on my blog. Please give me some feedback and I hope you guys like. Happy Reading!

previous chapter | masterpost | next chapter

*Word Count: 5.5K+

*Warnings: cursing, jealousy, , man who can’t take a hint, angst (if you squint!), things might get hot in this (not smut though, sorry guys!). And Raul fluff, that’s a very important warning.

Please don’t read it if any of this subjects make you uncomfortable, feel free to check my masterlist for other writings.

*Posted: August 12th, 2021.

                                                  -*-

Raul was nervous.

Y/N knew he was anxious about something the moment he stepped foot into her apartment. They’ve known each other for so long, they’ve spent so much time together, that she was able to tell his fidgeting mannerisms and stiff shoulders from miles away. But under their current situations, him being this nervous could be a bad sign. He could’ve been discovered or something like that, which meant they’d have to leave the building in seconds and run as far away as they could.

Before she could stop herself, her eyes roamed all the expense of his body, looking for bleeding or any potential injury she could find, but none could be detected. Raul had left an hour ago for a morning run, Janet decided this was their day off since they’ve been working like crazy, so she forbid them from working on anything. So when he left after having a late breakfast with her, she wasn’t even worried about him being in danger, but seeing him all nervous was making her tense.

“Hi, doll” he said trying to sound casual but his voice sounded almost mechanic.

“Hey” she greeted from her spot on the couch, carefully placing her bookmark between the pages of the novel she picked up the other day “is everything okay?”

Raul dropped his keys and phone by the door as he nodded, moving behind the counter on the kitchen to fill a glass of water for him as he used that to calm himself down a bit “yeah, I just- do you want to go out tonight with me?”

“Uh, sure, is that all?”

Raul seemed surprised at that “So, uh, you’d go out with me? Just the two of us?”

“Of course, we’ve done that before” she said still trying to understand his reaction. Was he asking her out on a date? And if he was, wasn’t it obvious she’d go?

“Yeah, I know, but this is different, I think we both know things changed between us, sweetheart, and this could be a chance for us to forget our reality for a second and just let things happen, maybe?” the normally confident, borderline cocky demeanor he normally carried around was gone. His body language showed clearly an almost shy side of him that Y/N wasn’t aware existed.

And she did know what he was talking about. They’re always close and intimate, he’s a very touchy kind of person and that’s definitely his love language, so that wasn’t knew. But spending the night and waking up cuddled to his chest was new, different in a good way, and that left her crush into growing by the second. It was getting harder to ignore, and honestly, Y/N didn’t have it in her to avoid it that much anymore.

“Yeah, I’d like that” and with that his face lit up completely and she flashed him a bright smile.

“Yeah?” he asked as he approached her, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she nodded “good, saw this really nice restaurant by the docks, it’s Italian”

“Oh great, what time do you want to leave? Just so I can get ready” she said looking up at him as he stood up to his full height.

Raul starting pulling his shirt off as he moved to the hallway leading to her bathroom “Seven works for you?”

“It does it’s perfect, I only need to help Celine out, but I’m having lunch with her to do that” Y/N replied as she forced herself to focus on the book in her hands and not the perfectly designed muscles on his abs as he leaned on the doorframe to the bathroom.

She heard Raul chuckled as he closed the door, not locking right after. Y/N would need a few hours to get herself together if she wanted to survive this ‘date’.

-*-

She ended up spending most of her afternoon with Celine and trying to calm down. If Celine noticed, she didn’t express anything, maybe too worried about her little mission tonight, but she was a good distraction. Trying to explain the best use for all of the equipment she receive and discussing the plan over and over again. Then she was told to leave and rest, boss’ order since it was their little day off.

Y/N got back to her apartment at around 5 p.m. finding Raul napping on her couch, the little fluffy blanket she had cuddled close to his chest. She had to hold back a coo not to disturb his sleep, and physically stopping herself from playing with his hair or caressing his face. So she decided to shower while he rested, so when he was up he could have the bathroom all to himself.

Before leaving the bathroom, she peaked her head outside of the door to check if Raul was still peacefully sleeping on the couch, which he was. So she took that to her advantage as she crossed to her room with only a towel wrapped around herself as she tried to figure out what she could possibly wear. She only packed really basic outfits, and sure, she didn’t really need to dress up and Raul’s seen her with every single type of outfit, so if she got all dolled up it wouldn’t be the first time or actually impactful.

But bless Y/N from weeks ago from deciding to throw a delicate sundress amongst all the gear she brought in her suitcase. It was a backless dress, with spaghetti straps holding the sunflower dress on her body. She felt pretty and comfortable in it, and it was enough to convince her this was it. A soft knock coming from her bedroom door brought her back to reality as she ran her hands down the front of the dress nervously.

“Yeah?” was all she said.

“Can I come in?” Raul asked before actually opening the door, only doing so after getting her consent “oh wow”

“What?” she felt a little self conscious under his gaze, she knew she’s been out with so many beautiful woman and she hated this stupid insecurity rising in her chest, but she could really help it.

All of her stupid questioning and anxiety were quickly washed away when she looked at him, finding Raul speechless and still staring at her, mouth slightly agape.

“Shit, you’re gorgeous, holy fuck, come here, doll” he said as he offered her his hand, which she gladly took as he pulled her closer, twirling her around blowing a low whistle “you’re so ducking beautiful, I love this dress on you”

Y/N shook her head giggling “oh stop it”

“I’m serious, baby, you’re just so perfect, sometimes I don’t even believe you’re real” as his praises slipped out of his lips she felt her face getting hotter and hotter.

“Oh God, you’re such a sap” all she could do was cover her face with her hands.

He gave her million dollar smirk pulling her hands away to look at her properly “only for you, sweetheart”

Y/N shook her head “I still need to put on some makeup” she warned him and he nodded, placing a kiss to her forehead.

“Take your time” he then added “I’ll change real quick and I’ll wait for you to finish getting ready, yeah?”

“Okay” was all she mumbled before she saw him leaving her apartment to walk down the hall to his.

She grabbed her little bag of makeup items deciding to do something a little bit nicer than her very basic everyday routine. Y/N padded her way still barefoot to her bathroom, propping herself up to sit on the sink and get closer to the mirror, placing her items nicely next to her. Just as she decided what she was going for, she heard Raul coming in. She let him know she was in the bathroom and she wouldn’t take long, but to her surprise, as she was prepping her skin, he slipped into the bathroom silently.

“Is everything okay?” she asked quietly looking at him through the mirror.

He was standing right behind her as he lifted his hands to place them in her waist, moving her hair to one shoulder to another, placing a gentle kiss to the newly exposed skin. Y/N felt a shiver run down her spine as she fought to keep her expression as neutral as possible, but he was making it hard. His cologne making her feel lightheaded, add that to his soft touches and eyes locked with hers through the mirror.

He was wearing a silky black button up, with the first few open, most of his chest exposed, his silver chain peaking through. His classic tight black jeans and his curls as perfect as ever. Raul looked like a fucking dream and being so gentle she felt like this was a dream, and it it weren’t for the cold of his rings against her slightly heated skin, she would be sure this was just her mind playing tricks on her.

“Yeah, just like watching you get ready” he mumbled placing another kiss to the place where her shoulder and neck met, making her let out a soft sigh.

Y/N trapped her bottom lip between her teeth as she met his gaze through the glass “you’re a little shit, you know that?” and he only chuckled lowly in his chest, shaking his head “let me finish so we can go!”

“I’m not stopping you” he said with a teasing tone and his smirk, but leaned away from her exposed skin, his hand never leaving her waist “but I guess I’ll behave cause I’m a good boy

“Of course you are” she chuckled, shaking her head, as she got back to her work.

She carefully applied a few items of makeup not wanting to look like it was too much, and every once in a while, she glanced back at Raul that stood patiently behind her. His thumb rubbing slow circles at her waist from time to time as he watched every move attentively. He smiled gently at her when he noticed her staring, a slight blush coating his cheeks.

“You look so pretty, doll” he admitted at she leaned forward to apply some mascara “so so pretty”

Y/N giggled shaking her head “did you hit your head or something? What happened to you today? You’re clingier and sweeter than ever”

Raul chuckled “I’m just enjoying my day off with my best girl, that’s all, I’m just happy and glad we got to do this” and with that she almost turned into a puddle “and just wanted to remind you how pretty you are”

“Thank you, darling” she meant it and she turned her head to place a quick kiss to his cheek, feeling her face heating up considerably “almost done, only a little highlighter and lipgloss”

Raul nodded as she finished applying the products and setting with a spray, before turning around to climb out of the counter. But before she could jump to get off, he had his arms around her waist to pick her up and carrying her to her bedroom as she squealed after laughing at him. He carefully placed her back on her feet at the bottom of her bed with a smile on his face.

“There you go”

Y/N laughed patting his chest softly “thank you” and then she turned to grab her shoes and her purse “do you think I should grab a jacket?”

“It’s probably better since it’s by the waters and we might need to walk a bit to reach the place I have in mind” he said with a shrug as he bit his lip “you can take mine, the leather one by the door”

“Are you sure?” she asked turning to fully face him completely ready, and she swears she saw his breath hitching.

“Yeah yeah, of course” he was quick to nod and she smiled at him in response.

“Okay!” Y/N practically hoped to the from door to grab the look, throwing it over her shoulders without actually putting it on and she waited for him.

Raul trailed behind her like a trained puppy chuckling, extending his hand towards her “you’re absolutely gorgeous”

“And you’re insanely pretty” she added as she interlaced their fingers letting him pull her closer to his body, his warmth radiating through his opened button down and the soft material of her summer dress.

“You think so?” Raul asked with a smirk and she nodded trying to hold back a laugh with an eye roll “good, pretty enough for you?”

Her eyes widened as she realized that behind his smirk he was actually curious, maybe even a tiny bit insecure, which made zero sense to her“Are you kidding me? You’re literally like a model of something”

“Thank you, sweetheart” he smiled genuinely, placing a kiss on her forehead before pulling her towards the door “now come on, promised you dinner”

-*-

The ride to the docks was pleasant, with him goofing around and singing horribly off tune to whatever song come up on the radio (and even though he would never admit it alive, he actually had a pretty decent singing voice, while Shawn was the singer, Raul wasn’t bad himself at all). He had his hand gently placed on her thigh, not high enough to make things weird, instead it was a comforting weight keeping her grounded and lightheaded at the same time.

They couldn’t park next to the restaurant, having to find a spot on the parallel street alongside everyone else who wanted to venture on the stores and diners. Raul was quick to hop out of the car and open the door for her, to which she just laughed and kissed his cheek as a thank you, locking her arm with his as they walked around the block.

The place he picked was a small cozy restaurant, looking all warm and homey as soon as the stepped foot in it. They were quickly whisked away by the host and walked to their table as they sat on a booth by the window, watching all the boats and movement from the street. Y/N sat across from him so they could both have enough room to feel comfortable.

“This place is so cute” she was the first to break the silence that installed as the walked in.

“You liked it?” his shoulders relaxing as she nodded her head cheerfully.

She looked around before turning back to face him “I loved it, never could’ve imagined we’d be in a place like this under this circumstances, but I’m glad we are”

“Me too, I wish I would’ve asked you out on a different situation, maybe a few months ago” he said scratching the back of his neck looking anywhere but her face “and I know this isn’t a proper date and stuff, but I think it’s a great start so we could figure out where to take this, but if you want it to be a date it’s fine by me! It’s just- I-“ Y/N couldn’t let him get into his head, so she gently placed her hand on top of the one he had resting on the table.

“Hey” she called softly as he finally looked at her, so she shot him a small smile “we don’t have to label anything for now, yeah? We don’t need to worry about this right now, we have other stuff in our heads, okay? We have all the time we could ask for and I don’t mind waiting a bit longer”

Raul smiled at her and brought her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to each knuckle (an old habit of his, it started when she punched a guy in middle school for bothering Peter, he kissed each bruise and swollen knuckle he could, saying she was so brave and so strong) “yeah, I’m normally not his nervous, and I know I technically don’t need to be, it’s just you’re too important to me for me to fuck things up”

“You won’t, don’t worry, yeah?” she offered and he nodded “now, let’s discuss an important matter, what are we having?”

“Great question and I have no fucking clue” he admitted and she laughed at him.

They ended up picking a plate for them to share since it was a big portion as the talked, and time seemed to fly around them. They’re always so easy going, conversations flowed so naturally and it felt so right, they both ended up forgetting why they’re so nervous to begin with. This wasn’t a date date, it was just an excuse to understand where they stood and how they wanted to proceed, and they’ve known each other for years, it’s not like they had to make amazing first impressions if they wanted this to work.

They decided against ordering dessert since Y/N claimed she saw an ice cream shop down the block and that she was pretty much stuffed anyway. So Raul payed the bill against her protests, but she ended up giving in with a promise she’d be the one to buy their ice creams. They walked hand in hand down the small street that was surrounded by people, and as she claimed, there was this beautiful ice cream shop.

They placed their orders as she paid and he grabbed both of their treats, and ended up deciding to just eat outside on the light breeze to watch the boats and the water. They walked to the end in the street, leaning into the small wall that kelts kids from falling or jumping on the water. They’re just lightly chatting about random stuff, recounting old embarrassing stories when she visibly saw Raul’s demeanor change drastically.

But before she could ask what’s wrong or turn around for potential triggers, she felt a calloused hand on the exposed skin of her back. When she whipped her head around to see whoever was standing behind her she was surprised to be met with the man himself. Geonoff Reyes was standing right behind her.

“Oh hello, Y/N, how are you?” his voice made her stomach churn.

“Oh my God, hi!” she smiled politely turning completely to face him, her back now pressed to Raul’s front, unconsciously moving away from the man’s gross touch and into Raul’s warm chest “I’m okay, you remember him, right, love?”

She didn’t need to turn around for Raul to know she was talking to him “oh yeah, hey man, how have you been?” he had an arm around Y/N’s waist in a second, bringing her even closer to him and she went gladly, the weight of him on her comforting.

“I’ve been good, working a lot, trying to expand my business”

Y/N squealed softly in a fake excitement “Oh that’s awesome!”

“Yeah, congrats, man” Raul said with a smile he wasn’t even sure how he managed to fake.

“Thank you, guys, it’s been hard but it’s worth it” Reyes’ said with a smirk on his face “are you guys here on a date or something? I’m not interrupting anything, right?”

“Oh no, it’s okay, we’ve been down here for a while now, but yeah, Raul has been trying to get me to come down here for a while so he made it a date night and I couldn’t really say ‘no’” she explained as she placed her hands on his bicep, holding him in place.

“And are you liking it so far?” his slightly annoyed tone didn’t go unnoticed by Raul, as he glanced at the arm he had wrapped around Y/N as if it was something revolting.

“Oh yes, it’s amazing, really, such a beautiful view” she added pointing to the boats.

“Agreed, but you’re a a better view” Geonoff chuckled at his own flirtations joke and Y/N chuckled softly when in reality she wanted to puke “well, in case you ever feel like it, I own a couple of boats, so I could take you on a ride if you wanted”

Raul almost lost his temper there, but he felt Y/N slightly squeezing his muscle and he forced himself to relax and to keep his cool.

“Oh thank you, but I’m a little afraid, rather be here on land where I know I’m safe” she said with a sweet smile, but she had a bitter taste on her mouth.

“In case you ever change your mind, you have my number” he added with a wink “I gotta get going, have a meeting in my yatch now”

“Have a nice night, man, good luck with your business” Raul forced himself to speak up and Geonoff looked up at him almost as if he had forgotten he was there and flashed him a smile, but not without looking him up and down with disgust.

“Oh yes! Have a great night” Y/N waved politely “Don’t let us keep you from getting to your meeting, wouldn’t want you getting late”

“Good night, drive home safely, yes?” Geonoff said, reluctantly peeling his eyes from Y/N’s figure.

“Of course, I’ll keep her safe, don’t worry” Raul said kissing her hair and she giggled in response.

Geonoff waved before walking in the area she supposed was where he’d climb on his yatch, and only then Y/N noticed the man in suit surrounding him, heavily armed. When he was finally far enough she let ou a breath she didn’t know she was holding, melting completely into Raul’s chest. He held her tighter so she wouldn’t slip.

“Come on, it’s getting late, my love, let’s get you home” Raul said pulling her in the direction to their car.

The whole way home Raul didn’t utter a single word and Y/N was still processing everything, so they both sat in silence, the only noise was coming from the soft purr of the engine and the low music coming from the radio. As he parked oh the garage, they both got out of the car and moved to the elevator almost automatically, still without speaking up, mostly due to possibly leaking some information.

As if he could read his mind, when she started breathing a bit heavier due to the stressful situation and the weird vibe they had between them, Raul quietly slipped his hand in hers, giving it a gentle yet reassuring squeeze. She then left a breath she didn’t know she was holding, stepping out of the elevator as it hit their floor and dragging him behind her like a puppy to enter her place.

“Are you okay?” Raul asked as soon as she locked the door and turned to face him.

She nodded leaving her shoes by the door, alongside her purse and hanging her (his) leather jacket “Yeah, just a bit shocked, you know? Wasn’t expecting him to be there, Celine’s been following him for the thing he had, but we didn’t know he’d have a meeting on a boat”

“Yeah, sorry about that” he mumbled mimicking her actions as he scratched the back of his neck.

“It’s okay, you did nothing wrong, honey” Y/N said finally actually looking at him, noticing the prominent frown on his face, a small pout on his overly pink lips “hey, it could’ve happened to anyone and anytime, you couldn’t have known”

Raul huffed a breath shaking his head as he plopped down on the couch, running a hand on his hair “yeah, but this was one of our only chances to relax for the past weeks and he ruined it everything”

“He didn’t ruin everything” she was quick to stop him, sitting down beside him, tucking her legs under her body as she rested her arm on the backrest of the small couch, stretching a bit to place her hand on his shoulder “I had a lovely time and I honestly can’t remember when was the last time I actually had this much fun on a non-date date”

Raul turned his face slightly to place a gentle kiss on her hand “really? You’re not just lying to make me feel better?”

She gasped feigning offense “what do you take me for?”

“A liar” he stated without blinking, and she was quick to try to get up and make a dramatic scene, but he was faster to wrap his long fingers on her wrist near his face, pulling her back down and in his lap as he laughed “come on, doll, it was just a joke”

“You're an idiot” she said laughing trying to climb out of his lap, but the arm that was wrapped around her waist stopped her.

Raul shook his head “no, no, stay here, sweetheart, and we’ve already discussed this” he said looking pointedly at her, but the small grin playing on his lips gave him away and she shook her head “Yes, I am an idiot, but I’m your idiot”

“I don’t mind that” she said with a shrug and he smiled at her.

“Good thing you don’t” he chuckled, comfortable hand on her back as he drew random shapes on the exposed skin of her back making her shiver slightly “you know, the jacket looked really good on you”

Y/N huffed a small laugh shaking her head“Yeah? Might steal it”

“You shouldn’t announce it, silly, but I have to admit, you could probably steal my whole closet and I still wouldn’t be mad at you” he said turning her in his lap to face him and making her properly straddle him “you look too good in my clothes for that” he added voice slightly lower.

If Y/N had been drinking water she would’ve choked, but she tried to keep her face as straight as possible “you're such a flirt”

He then laughed “Only for you, doll”

“Oh shut up, you literally flirt with yourself on reflexes and might have flirted with the dog we saw earlier” Y/N pointed resting her hands on his chest as she laughed.

But Raul shook his head trying to hold himself from chuckling “well, it’s not intentional, didn’t know you were jealous of my own reflection”

“I'm not the jealous one here, darling” she had a teasing glint in her eyes, but he didn’t even hesitate before admitting, knowing denying would be ridiculous at this point.

“What do you want me to do? Everyone wants you, I can’t help it sometimes” he said and Y/N arched a brow at him “okay, okay, most times, but you’re just so fucking pretty and smart, and talented and good and of course I get jealous”

She was left slightly speechless. Sure he always complimented her, about pretty much everything but they’re normally casually thrown, here and there, but since they weren’t so directly she was able to brush it off with a joke. But never so many in a row and looking her straight in the eye. Y/N looked down, dropping her hands on her lap and fidgeting with her ring.

But then she felt his hand tilting her head slightly up so she could look him in the eye, her whole face burning up, and he smiled so sweetly at her she was even slightly breathless. His hand came to rest on her jaw as his thumb caressed her cheeks gently “did I say something wrong?”

“No, no, no” she was quick to add “no, you’re just-”

His voice was quiet when he inquired “What?”

“So sweet and-” she sighed looking around and shook her head.

“Sweetheart?” his voice was like honey, all warm and making her feel tingly as she looked down at him again and she didn’t know what to do.

Raul was staring at her lips and they’re suddenly too close, she didn’t even notice how close to his face she was, her noses almost touching, and maybe they gravitated closer to each other unconsciously, almost like magnets. But she wasn’t complaining. Her mind having a tiny short circuit and she got lost in his eyes.

He leaned forward a bit more, giving her a tiny eskimo kiss, their lips brushing “Am I reading this wrong?” his voice an octave lower and she shook her head, leaning in the rest of the way.

She caught his lips in a tentative kiss, hands splayed on his chest, not fully confident on it, but all of her self doubts flew out of the window as he sighed happily kissing her back, pulling her even closer to him and keeping her flush against his chest with a hadn’t around her waist. She literally felt like she was on the moon, her head spinning as he enveloped her in everything him.

His hand gently caressing her face, his other one on her waist, his cool rings a stark contrast to the heated skin exposed by the low-cut back of her dress. His smell was everywhere, his thighs under him and the soft fabric of his silky shirt. Raul didn’t hesitate to slot her bottom lips between his two, deepening the kiss and taking control of it.

All this years, all his pent up emotions taste on his tongue as he swept it over her soft glossy lips, and she was quick to open her mouth to him. Bringing one of her hands to tangle on the small curls at the base of his neck, pulling on the soft chocolate curls and he could not hold back the small whine that left his lips and she swallowed it. The soft strokes of his tongue against her making her want to his him forever.

But as if he sensed it, he pulled back placing a long kiss to her lips and trailing his mouth in slow wet kisses down her neck “can't believe I waited this long for this to happen” but Y/N only hummed in response, too lost in the feeling and trying to catch her breath, pulling his hair a little harder and he let out a deep groan “fuck, sweetheart, you’re gonna be the death of me”

She then titled his head up by his hair, before glueing their lips back together, his hand dropping to her exposed thigh and her breath hitched in her throat. But before things could go any further, she heard a strong knock on her door, making her snap her head to look at the front door of her apartment.

“Y/N, sweetie, I need help” she barely recognized Celine’s voice in the fake sweetened tone she used for her cover.

“Oh shit, they must be back from the mission” she whispered as she turned to Raul with wide eyes and he looked completely blissed out “what are we going to do?”

“Honey, is your boyfriend in there? Hope you’re both decently dressed” Celine called with a teasing tone and it didn’t seem fake at all.

Raul held her face in his hand trying to get her to focus and said it in a hushed tone “it's okay, go open the door to her and we don’t have to say anything just yet, we can talk about this later, yeah? Everything’s fine, I just need a second to- uh, you know, calm myself down a bit” he added the last part a bit shyly and she nodded taking a deep breath.

“He's here but we’re decent” she shouted back with a fake laugh as she scrambled out of his lap, leaning down a bit to arrange his curls and cleaning the excess gloss that transferred onto his lips “Coming, darling, you want me to kick him out?” she offered shooing him out of the couch and aligning the throw pillows to make it less obvious.

“No, no, he can stay, it’s just Trevor again” Celine came up with the stupidest excuse she could think of.

Raul nodded to her as he hid behind the kitchen counter, casually grabbing a beer. So she took a deep breath and tried getting herself together before unlocking the door, being met with Celine looking at her suspiciously in casual attire.

“Oh hi, come in” Y/N said as she straightened her dress and pulling the door more open, watching as Celine stared her up and down but not saying a thing about her slightly disheveled state.

Instead she looked at Raul by the kitchen counter and said “Jack's coming with Tom in a sec” and sat down on the couch.

Y/N felt Raul’s gaze on her, but instead she just turned to close the door and then sitting by Celine, trying to ignore those damn butterflies on her stomach.

                                                  -*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know.

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it!

*xoxo

-🌙

[johnconstantinesdick]

do you have any tlt fic recs?

Oh my god I’m so sorry for not answering sooner, I always forget to check my inbox. Anyway! Yes! This is actually easy to compile because for some reason I’m much pickier over what I like in my Locked Tomb fic? Anyway let’s goooo.

This isn’t sorted, so it’s really just in the order they show up in in my bookmarks.

sacrificial lamb (self-proclaimed) by flemeth

Cristabel Oct has invited you to edit the following presentation: “suicide_pact_nyah.pptx”

Funny little PowerPoint.

Undone by Level20Lesbian

This isn't how it happens.

Harrow Nova, discarded and replaced for failing to be born a necromancer, desires only to serve her house, to make her existence worth its cost. Being cavalier primary to her usurper, Gideon Nonagesimus, necromantic heir to the House of the Ninth, is her one and only shot.

Harrow Nova AU let’s goooooo! Harrow is a prideful little shit in this and I love her so much lol.

Meant to be Yours by fellasisitgay91219

When Gideon is too busy fighting with Harrow to help her team write their senior play, Palamedes decides there's no better time to help Gideon and Harrow resolve their conflict.

AKA: Gideon and Harrow star in a musical that is basically the plot of Gideon the Ninth. That means two enemies having to pretend to fall in love over and over again. Featuring the best friend group, eventual softness, and a lot of fast food.

Look. Listen. Theater AUs are my jam. You say “characters put on a play--” and I’m already reading. Shoutout to Pal for writing GtN in this AU. 

recognize them by their fruits by ceruleanVulpine

You have a not-especially-vested interest in not bringing up the Emperor’s dead Hands, those who betrayed him (at least half) and those he preferred to you (probably all, you anemic milk-slick, you eclipse-shadow of greatness). Your position is precarious. You are intimately goddamn aware of it.

But at least you have the same old advantages as always: in the deep and twisty vessel of you there is not one scruple nor drop of shame. And you are accustomed to being the overlooked sister.

--

John and Ianthe deal with the fact that his only remaining Lyctor is the one he never liked much. Maybe they can bond over the fact that they're both egotistical manipulators who lie like breathing? No?

Also, God sees ghosts. Ianthe doesn't help.

This is, hands down, my favorite Locked Tomb fic. The tone is perfect, the writing is fantastic and mimics the style of the books fantastically, and the scene at the end almost made me scream. In a good way.

the blood of you bleeding as you try to let go by notonly

Throughout her childhood, Harrow sees one specific ghost. Gideon is as helpful as she ever is.

This almost made me cry. Time travelling ghost Gideon is just. Ahh the tragedy and futility of it all *chefs kiss*

Makhanitis by heliocharis

The Sixth House has never had a limit on the age of the Master Warden. Palamedes Sextus takes the title at age thirteen, and along with his cavalier develops both his particular skills and his taste for teenage rebellion.

Precocious teenage Cam and Pal is not something I knew I needed, and yet they’re fantastic.

Sweet Dreams by pipifelix

“Jeanne?” Isaac asked. He was standing in front of her, head tilted at the expression on her face, and he was-- fine. He was fine. “What’s wrong with you?”

:( Terrible teens in the afterlife.

Would You Rather by gardenvarietyunique

The game began the moment they heard the invitation. Would you rather spend an entire spaceflight listening to Magnus do his standup routine or be cursed to talk in only dad jokes? Would you rather lose the competition but win all the riches in the universe, or win Lyctorhood but never be able to go home again?

Some happier terrible teens content!

High But Very Drear by honorarycassowary

Aiglamene and Crux receive the five hundred ancient dead gifted by the Emperor for the renewal of the Ninth, and also do something that could be construed as mourning.

This is up there on my list of “best tlt fics”. It’s very bittersweet and it very much made me cry lmao.

(looking for) shapes in the silence by brightbolt, imperfectlyctor

“There’s something you need to know,” Harrow said to John and Mercymorn. She locked eyes with Gideon, holding her gaze firm. White-ringed eyes flicked between them, and a frown flickered on John’s face. “Alright.”

“Well, it’s interesting that you’ve chosen to tell me about the visa application now,” Harrowhark said, turning to John and Mercymorn, “when Gideon only proposed last weekend.”

John blinked. He looked between them. “Excuse me?”

“I’m getting married,” Harrowhark said.

“To who?” John asked.

“To my assistant,” said Harrow, ignoring the choking, strangled noise of surprise Gideon made from the door. “To Gideon Nav. We’re engaged.” She paused, then stood. “Aren’t we, Griddle?”

“No,” Gideon said, because she was the worst. “What the fuck?”

Or: Harrowhark Nonagesimus is the youngest editor ever to run the Ninth House publishing company. But when Harrow violates the terms of her work visa, her only way to retain her job is to marry a US citizen— and who better than her assistant, Gideon Nav?

Okay, listen. This is a really good fic, and that’s not just my fondness for romance novel tropes talking! Harrow is characterized very well, and I feel like the author really nailed the space in between her prickliness and bad attitude and her softer parts, you know? It’s VERY well written so far.

throw yourself into the unknown with pace and a fury defiant by advanced_fanatic

Dulcinea arrived at Canaan House ready to attain immortality. Cytherea was stuck with Mercymorn, trying to convince her sister Lyctor to help her crush the students at Canaan House. As the two women begin their collision course, there’s no telling who will come out on top: the woman, or the Lyctor.

Another of the “absolute must read” fics! I absolutely adore “no lyctor interference” aus of Canaan House, and this one really nails Dulcie’s voice and has this like, fun layer of ironic comedy that I love. I think I’ve read this one like four times now.

Practice Resurrection (Harrow Nova AU) by pipistrelle

"In the end, she poisoned Ortus; so it was Harrow Nova who walked out to the shuttle a half-step behind the Daughter of the Ninth, the chain of Samael Novenary wound about her offhand wrist, the black blade of the Ninth at her side."

Another Harrow Nova AU, this time with a fun twist on Gideon’s necromantic abilities based off of John’s own powers.

"Fuck it, I'm adopting her," said John Gaius, not knowing the paperwork wasn't necessary by Naamah_Beherit

On the day of her biggest triumph, Gideon Nav was running late.

*** A story in which Gideon, a highly distinguished Cohort lieutenant, saves the day—and the girl—and then gets stuck in the lift of The Erebos with a man feeding her peanuts as if they have all the time in the world. They haven't, but if he doesn't mind, then why should she?

Hilarious interaction between Gideon and John, would read a million more like it.

A Weary, Troubled Smile by jpnadia

“My parents are-- indisposed.” The child hardly faltered, though she barely made a speck of black cloak against the decrepit armored bulk of her retainer. “I act in their stead.”

Abigail drew a deep breath. Dead, then. She was sure of it, but she would gain nothing by forcing the child to admit it. “I do not come as a pilgrim, Reverend Daughter. I come to seek the aid of the Ninth House. Will you help me?”

At the behest of the very young newly-minted Master Warden, Lady Abigail Pent arrives on Drearburh to ask the Reverend Mother and Father for help. Instead, she finds two girls in desperate need of parents.

They won’t let her help, but the young Reverend Daughter is willing to bargain.

Abigail cares so much it hurts, honestly. This is the FUN HAPPY AU where she gets to be the mom she deserves to be to ALL the kids.

Dignity by ThatAloneOne

The Second challenges the Ninth for keys instead of the Sixth. Or:

“Give your cavalier some dignity,” Deuteros tried.

Gideon, who had never had dignity before in her life, was taking a detour through giddiness on her way to fear. She was also already on top of the table.

EXCELLENT tone and comedy!

I hate you because I loved you and I ate you by scheelite

How Harrow the Ninth could have started if our girl wasn’t (completely) batshit crazy.

Very short but effective!

(i shine only with the light you gave me) by sashawire

God prods, gently, “Even just starting with their physical description, and we can go from there.”

“Imagine,” you say, from somewhere outside your body, “the worst shade of orange you’ve ever seen in your life.”

*

Harrowhark receives her saintly title.

Why are so many TLT fics so fucking sad. This is why I’m dehydrated.

here's unbroken bone by basketofnovas (slashmarks)

In a universe where the anniversary dinner doesn't interrupt Harrow and Gideon's completion of the winnowing trial and Cytherea isn't aware anyone is on her trail, they win the key Abigail and Magnus died for instead.

A fun what-if scenario! I love Gideon and Harrow’s interactions in this.

Unto Death by EleniaTrexer

On the day that the Reverend Daughter is born, a woman falls down the drill shaft of the Ninth. She is dead on arrival. The child she carries is not.

OR

Imagine if Gideon and Harrow didn't completely fucking hate each other.

I love how much one little shift changes here, while still not changing much at all! Gideon and Harrow are delightful here, and it’s fun to see how they could be if they started from a more balanced place.

Somewhere in the Crowd There's You by NinthCat

The heirs of the Nine Houses are summoned to Canaan House to attempt to attain Lyctorhood...and to put on a production of Macbeth.

ANOTHER PLAY AU!! I AM THRIVING IN THIS FANDOM!! I think this was the first TLT fic I read and I absolutely adored it! I’ve read it two or three times now, it’s delightful.

[miscellaneous-obsession]

Story of any kind of Lady Dimitrescu x Reader but have Miranda in it?

Back to our usual schedule of fics, here is one that took a bit to write! I went with full on angst and fluff so you have been warned... and will be again like twice :)

Unending Nightmare

Warnings: Graphic violence, details of injury, blood and gore, general feeling of anxiety, panic, despair, Miranda being horrible as hell and not suitable for minors.

It seemed almost surreal to regain consciousness in the main hall, her body lounging on one of two settees that sat perfectly aligned to the table in between. Alcina's spine cried in anguish with an unnatural contortion, prompting amber eyes to flutter open, blinking comically in rapid succession to disperse the remnants of sleep that clouded her vision. Rising to a sitting position relieved the strain she experienced, with subsequent stretching of limbs resulting in audible pops.

As her gaze panned briefly across the room, everything appeared untouched, even lipstick-stained cups that sat atop of matching saucers, evidence of her impromptu afternoon tea shared with her wife. A smile saw her slackened jaw tighten with the memory, her mind reliving the moment vividly as she gracefully angled her legs as to touch the ground. However, the sole of one heel didn't make it, landing upon the novel still open to the bookmarked page in which it was discarded as she succumbed to sleep.

However, as the matriarch moved to collect the piece of literature, a piercing scream laced with agony carried through the endless corridors, starling Alcina from her reverie. A sound from such a distance shouldn't have been able to travel, nor should the crying wails and sobs that followed. A note of familiarity within the voice struck a chord in the countess as her mind sought an answer. All the while, fear began to steadily crawl along her spine, wrapping tight like a snake, slithering into her heart in an attempt of manifestation. Shakily she brought her hand to her lips, eyes widening as she recognised the perpetual weeping.

The safety the castle once afforded her dematerialised before her very eyes as fragments of reality appeared to settle into place. The pleading whimpers almost quietened into non-existence, much like the fire that began to dim. In what light remained, Alcina took note of the disorganised chaos that made itself known, how furniture had been shoved aside, vases broken in the wake of a predator, even the blood that marred the marble floor.

Instinctively her claws unsheathed, sensing the danger that posed as a threat to her family. However, as the matriarch took a step closer, intent on examining the trail of crimson destruction, she staggered backwards. The scent of iron in the air was unmistakable; a smell she was well acquainted with and often so enticed by became reclusive as it hit her olfactory receptors. Someone dared to touch... harm what was hers, somewhere in the place they called home, her wife lay injured.

Grappling with the panic and horror that strove to run rampant in her mind, Alcina frantically called aloud for her daughters. But even when beckoned, her solitude persisted; never once upon summoning had her girls elected to disobey or ignore. At last, the illusion of elegance and composure shattered, leaving the countess in what she deemed an unsavoury, feral state, desperate to find and protect what she claimed to be her own.

Alcina all but marched to the cellar growing increasingly fretful with every step she took as she was forced to strain her ears to catch sound of the almost silent, pained murmurs. Ignorant of her own wellbeing, she pursued her wife in heels with an unnaturally fast pace across the uneven, damp terrain, paid by a loss of stance on more than one occasion. Upon rounding the corner in what could be deemed a dishevelled appearance, the matriarch's heart stuttered, skipping a beat involuntarily at the lurid sight before her.

Laid on a mortuary table, gasping for breath, was her beloved, blood pooling beneath her quivering frame from a freshly inflicted incision site as her body seemingly rejected what was both forced and foreign. Once vivid blue irises were almost consumed by blacked pupils, a natural response to the accumulation of adrenaline created as unwavering pain gripped her body. Teeth had long pierced both tongue and lips, allowing more blood to bead in droplets to go unused and wasted, following gravity to the drain so conveniently in place on the stainless steel table.

The growl unleashed from Alcina's throat was unrivalled; her desire to cry out extinguished as she pried her gaze upward. Standing mere inches from her wife's side was Miranda, in a laboratory coat almost befitting of her former self. In hand was an empty jar, fluid swishing with the gentle jostles of the deities movements. A worn label, lacking adhesive, clung to the glass, almost faded to the human eye, but two letters confirmed the unthinkable.

"You've arrived in time, my dear; your pet's future is dependent on this very moment."

Unable to refute the truth in Miranda's words nor bring solace to her wife, she attempted the latter as it appeared the more achievable of the two. With claws retracted, unwilling to cause more harm, Alcina cradled her wilting wife's face as delicately she could muster. She blinked several times over the next minute, refusing to let the tears she felt building fall as she honed in on the ever slowing heartbeat. Hushed apologies and whispered declarations of love were shared, albeit one-sided, in some hope that her beloved heard.

Desperate for her wife to avoid an inevitable future as a mindless moroaicǎ, she continued to track her declining health, choosing to strike as the paled woman took her final breath as a human. Before the transformation could ensue, Alcina made the decision to end what would begin within the coming minutes. Her choice is emboldened upon catching Miranda's dismissive and callous opinion, "Another failure, unsurprising."

Just as her claws were sat poised to cut and render the moroaicǎ useless, her body jolted awake, sweat beading along her brow from the horrifyingly realistic dream her mind had conjured. Swiping a hand to remove what clung to her skin, her eyes blindly searched the room devoid of light. A shaky but relieved sigh slipped past her lips as her hand came to land on and subsequently caress the top of her wife's head.

As calming as one's breathing regulations could be, it didn't replace nor best physical contact with the woman she loved. With arms outstretched, she enveloped her wife, drawing her atop her chest, listening and attempting to match the rhythmic beat of her heart. During such extrication from her place under the covers, bleary eyes opened a fraction in confusion, head tilting to mirror jumbled thoughts.

"Alci?"

"Forgive me, dragă mea, go back to sleep."

Feeling the minute shake of a head, the countess peered down, acknowledging the look of concern that replaced serenity. A hand of supple skin rose to gently gloss over her cheeks, gathering what tears had fallen with the pull of gravity.

"What is troubling you so, beloved?"

Unable to recount most of the tale, Alcina spared her wife from gruesome details, summarising the dream to one line, "It appears my mind attempted to convince me I had lost you."

A contemplative hum resonated directly below her ear, the vibration of which tickled the countess' neck as her wife nestled comfortably in her hold. "Nothing in this world could part me from you; I love you too much to bear separation in this lifetime."

"And if we had no other choice?"

A tutting sound emerged in the dark, an almost dismissal of such a notion. "Then I'd have lived a life knowing I had a woman who loved me and three beautiful daughters to succeed me."

"Poetic... only divulging such a divine talent and way with words now. But I fear you forget that you were the one, with an open heart and mind, who reintroduced my capability to love another outside my darling girls, a trait I thought had been long lost to my mutation."

A keening whine of appreciation caught her ears, further emphasised as featherlight kisses were pressed along the expanse of exposed skin, her wife opting to include areas of her jaw within reach.

"It appears we were both lucky with the hand fate dealt us." After a beat of silence, a tired voice reiterated what had been murmured in the last moments before their slumber, "Te iubesc Cina... te iubesc."

Those wise words and impromptu reaffirmation soothed the ache left by the dream, eradicating the pain like a salve. With practised ease, the matriarch responded in kind, "Și eu te iubesc," before succumbing to the sleep her body so desperately craved.

-----------------------------------------

Both were jolted from sleep only hours later when the covers were unceremoniously pulled back and bodies pressed against them in urgency. Muffled giggles and quiet hushes saw eyes open, only to narrow imperceptibly in faux annoyance, prompting sheepish grins to spread across their daughter's lips. Half-hearted glares quickly faltered, softening into smiles, giving all three the go-ahead to bury their chilled frames in between and around the couple.

Following their lead, Bela too extricated her body, albeit with an audible whine, from beneath the covers. Soon the countess grew amused at the trio's antics as they pleaded with an array of tactics for her wife to join them for their morning routine. Reluctantly Alcina released her wife from her grasp, seeing her subsequently tugged out of bed by the girls. The four ran from the room as a game of tag began, allowing the matriarch to muse as she mapped the softened footfalls of her family throughout the wing in which they resided.

Without warning, her peace was disturbed by the shrill ring of the ornate rotary phone that sat in the adjoining room to her chambers. Donning a robe to retain some modicum of decency, Alcina took her place at her vanity, a tremor running through her hand as she picked up the receiver.

"Mother Miranda."

"Ah Alcina dear, I trust you aren't busy."

Before the matriarch had a chance to respond, Miranda continued on a tangent of her own, "Now, I called to discuss business regarding your wife; her repeated test results have revealed something rather... interesting."

From the moment that phrase was uttered with such an insinuating tone, Alcina could no longer focus. The countess' heart dropped and found herself wishing that the echoing laughter of her girls and beloved could remain forever constant in the castle walls.

[hardyimagines]

Him

So I just wanted to write something random and quick to see if I COULD and this is what I jotted down. It is the most Drabble of a Drabble to ever exist. I’m sorry if you hate it, but it is merely a ‘try again after so long of not writing’. 💛 thank you for your patience. I am so grateful.

He was nestled in your mind like a bookmark stuffed between the folded pages in a book.

The taste of him burned your tongue, a tingling sensation you’d never be able to forget. Warm, sweet, addicting.

His facial hair scraped your tender skin, short, sharp strands causing you to wrinkle your nose when he’d press his plump lips against your own. He could hold more oxygen than you.

He resembled a bear, slouched in the velvet, floral patterned furniture in your dimly lit living room. He occupied majority of the cushions, his heavily rising and deflating chest, moving with every deep inhale and exhale as he tried and managed to catch his breath much quicker than you could.

He wore jewelry every day, covered in it from head to toe it seemed, merely because of the amount his fingers cradled. The ink that stained his tanned flesh, marking his big hand and wide chest, were ones that complimented the cold, silver and gold accessories.

He was breathtaking to look at, to watch as he read the newspaper. You’d peer over the rim of your coffee cup as you tipped the pot and filled the mug to the brim with steaming liquid. It smelled sweet, tasted sweet, but would never live up to the taste of the man in your living room. Would never smell as good either.

Coffee breath stained your exhales every morning, something that bothered you when it would waft back in your face as you slouched on the sofa nearby, content with watching the flames burn in the fireplace or the trees blow outside the cracked window. Try as you might, your gaze would always make its way to the scruffy-faced, blue-eyed bloke with bread crumbs in his beard and small scars on his face.

He wasn’t quiet. Little grunts and incoherent mumbles would fall from his lips, filling the comfortable silence in the room. It always pulled a smile from you as you continued to sip the hot beverage, never bothered by the lingering scent it left long after the burning liquid slid down your throat, for Alfie seemed to like the way it complimented the ‘vanilla and ember’ you tasted like.

The first time he’d described your kisses as tasting like ember, you’d almost felt the need to hide. To scrub your tongue and teeth with your toothbrush until you were toothless. He’d explained it wasn’t negative, that it probably wasn’t the best description but he didn’t have a way with words — he wasn’t used to handing out compliments. He did his best to explain ember, to explain that it meant you tasted like home. You tasted like what he yearned for. It had made the sticky, sweet, honey-like feeling form in your stomach, dripping internally until you felt absolutely sick to your stomach.

How could someone make you feel so strongly? Love certainly was a mystery.

The nights when he was tucked away in the distillery, working long after the sun had faded away and the moon shone on the city below, you’d dance around the living room, your hands intertwined with the sound of music that guided you in a routine dance that had formed in less than a week. You envisioned it was him, carrying you around the living room with such ease. He wasn’t much of a dancer, you assumed, but he didn’t need to be. Your imagination was a gift, filling in the spaces that he didn’t seem like the type to do. You’d never asked him to dance and you were sure he wouldn’t decline. He might huff and puff and insist it was silly, but he rarely declined you. Not behind closed doors. Not when the paper thin curtains were drawn to a close, but even with the flimsy blinds, it sealed the outside world out. It was only in the day time, when the sun illuminated the cloth that people could see through it. So invasive. An invite for them to watch the pair of you as your bodies connected on the sofa, the creaking furniture threatening to break any day now.

The thought brought a smile to your lips, the curve flattering as your barefeet led you in a twirl along the rug. The expression made your heart flutter, the man being the cause of it even when he wasn’t home.

You’d never be able to thank the man for all he’d done for you — knowingly and unknowingly. But even without his presence, you tipped your head back and let the music hold you just a little tighter as your breathless whisper flooded the room.

“Thank you, Alfie..” Your voice was almost silent, as if he’d hear you from miles away. Your tone dripped with bliss.

The clock in the corner ticked on by and you knew sooner or later those heavy boots would hit the porch and the jingling of his keys would join in the quiet night air, accompanying the quiet hum from the flickering porch light as he unlocked the door and piled inside. Most nights he was tired, but he always led you to bed with him, his body big as it locked around your own, so secure and protective. He was a blanket of security.

Your blanket of permanent security. He never left you feeling unwanted. Alone. Forgotten. He was the reason your brain swam with the idea that soulmates existed. The reason the lightbulb inside you burned bright. He was a constant inspiration, a positive impact in your life. He may have been dangerous, crass, blunt, rude, a bit sassy, and intimidating. But who he was to you didn’t have to be the same as who he was to most.

And for you, he was tender, inviting, still a bit sassy, introverted. He was yours. Just your’s and that was enough.

———————————————————————

Will tag people soon 🥺 I’m sorry!

@peakblogbecauseimweak @mollybegger-blog @morphoportis @ghost-of-student-sufferings @drippydownes2002

@ellar21 @sovereigngoth @willowick13 @pansexualginger @heyitscam99 @haroldpain @justrepostandlove @emerald-bijou @multireality @innerpaperexpertcloud @goodiesintheclosetlove @giftofdreams @ihclipse @inkedfandom @thatsamegirl @doct0rstrange @jakechillenhaal @shanty-lol @centerhabit @clevertheoristpainter @favouritereadings @badmaax @thephuonganh @wewillfindourwaythere @uhhhemilyrose @scarrasco1325 @bignastyfan-nz @hot-and-spiceyyy

@azayamari @shane-isa-shame @lonewolf471 @crldrr @keeleyella @overitall2018 @lovebitesimagines @eddieisasnack @axxl-rose @slytherintothedeep @lucreziaborgiatheunholyfamily @demoncrypt1066 @phire23 @orphiceseum @captainbuckyboobear @hp-hogwartsexpress

[ivory-line]

Good Omens Fic Recs

I know a lot of us are cooped up right now and I’ve read so many good fics I thought I’d put a list together!

Reviews of AZ Fell and Co Antiquarian and Unusual Books | NR | 33k | IneffableFangirl_writes

A fun series based on Yelp reviews for the bookshop

Flowers From The Grave Of Our Friendship | E | 50k | WaitingToBeBroken

Crowley is very good at temptation, not so good with what comes afterwards.

Aziraphale knows demons don't love so he is happy to take anything Crowley would give him.

Both of them are too blind to realize the thing they want is right in front of them.

Instructions Not Included | T | 68K | atalan @seaskystone

"They'll leave us alone. For a bit."

One year after the Apocalypse-That-Wasn't, Crowley and Aziraphale have settled into a new routine: keeping an eye on supernatural happenings in the world and preventing Heaven or Hell from interfering too much with humanity. It's not a bad job - despite occasional rains of fish - and if there are some unspoken things they really ought to talk about, well, they have all the time in the world now to get around to that, right?

At least, until the Archangel Raphael turns up on their doorstep looking for help... and it starts to become clear that the world is changing fast, and so are they.

Or: Crowley and Aziraphale start a detective agency. Shenanigans ensue. Slowburn continues. Apparently, there is plot. I have some thoughts about Heaven, Hell, and humanism. There will be stupid jokes and a healthy sprinkling of angst.

a/n: one of my fave post canon fics, the plot is super engaging and i loved raphael

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss | E | 10K | juliet

“The rules are: apart from kissing, you don’t touch me, I don’t touch you. For the next two days.”

constellations | T | 6k | northerntrash

In which Aziraphale tells a story, and Crowley threatens to burn down the house.

a/n: i’ve read this this fic like ten times. funny and tender and very them.

Remembrance of Things Past | T | 18K | fyre

“You didn’t think we would just forget about your misbehaviour, did you, Crawly?” Crowley locked his hands around the steering wheel and slammed his foot down on the accelerator, heart thundering. The bookshop was up ahead. Couple more blocks and he’d be within the protective mantle that covered the place for fifty metres in every direction. “It’s Crowley now,” he said through bone-dry lips. “Oh no, darling,” Lucifer’s malevolence thrummed in Freddie’s voice. “Not anymore.”

Strange Moons series | E | 145K | @racketghost

A 12 part series from WWI to their dinner at the ritz after the swap. Enough pine to build a house. Heartbreaking and hot and I definitely shed a few tears.

AUs

i've found a way (a way to make you smile) | T | 40k | curtaincall @fremulon  

Crowley worked in Sales. He had never intended to work in Sales. It had just sort of happened. One moment, there he’d been, a newly minted university graduate off to change the world, exquisitely useless Philosophy degree in hand, and now here he was, having sauntered vaguely downwards into a Hell that consisted mainly of cold-calling new customers and sucking up to existing ones. AU based on The Office.

with all your delights | E | 61K | weatheredlaw

Crowley laughed. “I thought you’d have realized by now. I am no ordinary king.”

“No,” Aziraphale said. “You certainly are not.”

or: aziraphale is sent as a gift to the southern king to smooth over trade negotiations. they both find themselves in over their heads.

Slow Show | E | 95K | @mia-ugly

In which temptations are accomplished, grand romantic gestures are made, and two ineffable co-stars only take four seasons of an award-winning television program to realize they’re on their own side (at last, at last.)

a/n: i’m sure most of us have read slow show by now but i just have to include it. it broke me into a million little pieces and put me back together again. i don’t think a day has gone by that i haven’t thought about this fic

Golden Handcuffs | E | 70k | seekwill

Far from any city, near the Scottish coast, Tadfield College has a celebrated history, an unrivaled academic reputation, and two departments at war. When the Biology and English departments are forced to share a building, Senior Lecturer and botanist Anthony Crowley finds himself drawn into the orbit of the polite but strange English professor, Dr. Aziraphale Fell. As the new term begins, two academics navigate the politics of both their offices and academia, and try to solve the puzzle of one another.

This definitely isn’t a complete list, just a few of the fics in my bookmarks. I’ll try to make some more lists (I left WIPs off this list but I have a fair few I wanna share) and in the meantime I’ll go ahead and link a few of my own fics and direct you over to @go-events since the rom coms are being posted and they’ve all been fantastic.

If a link is broken or I’ve missed anyone’s @ then feel free to shoot me a message!

[forlornmelody]

Kord Center Mall: Out In The Rain, In From The Cold

Rating: E (the nerdiest smut you’ll read all week.)

Fandom(s): DC Comics, Jack Nought from Mass Effect makes an appearance, but familiarity with the game is not important

Ship: Rose Wilson/Jason Todd, mentions of Jason/Roy/Jack

Linkage: Ao3

Summary:  Rose is finally ready to come clean with Jason, and admit the feelings she has for him. But is it too late?

Note: This is a cross over, mall-verse AU concocted by @scifi-ginger and myself. You’ve been warned. Also,  I just want to state, for the record, that I wrote this before Titans: E.L._.O. hit the internet. I have the Tumblr snippets to prove it.

–>–>

The ground’s so dry when she leaves Cassie’s, Rose doesn’t even think to grab a jacket on the way. By the time she reaches Jason and Roy’s apartment, the sky’s dumping car-wash levels of water on the bus. Even though it only takes her five minutes to walk to the building, Rose’s clothes are sticking to her when she rings the doorbell. Lightning cracks in the clouds behind her. 

Opening the door, Roy’s face flashes bright and dark as the thunder rolls around them. “Rose.”

“Roy.” Rose takes a breath. “Hey. Uh--”

“Fuck off,” Jack calls from the couch. “Jason doesn’t want to see you.”

Yeah. She deserves that. “Could you at least tell him I’m here?” Rose says it to Roy, not Jack. 

Lighting flashes two more times before Roy sighs. “Fine.” He holds up a hand to keep Jack back. “But I swear if you hurt him again--”

“Fuck, Roy. I’m here to apologize.” Rose glances at Jack as she steps gingerly through the doorway. “Nice to see you, too. Jack flips a finger in response. 

Just as Rose knocks on Jason’s door, the power goes out. “Oh come on!” Jason yells from the other side of the door, and she hears the crash of a controller hitting the floor and the rolling of batteries as they fall out. 

Rose has perfect timing. She clears her throat, reaching to knock a second time when Jason opens the door. His cellphone casts soft grey light along his jaw and highlights the sheen on his nose. “If you’re an axe-murderer, I’ll--Rose!?”

“Hey,” she says softly, pulling out her own phone to cast some light---only to realize it died on the way here. “Shit.” Better not fuck this up. 

Jason lingers in his doorway, his eyes roaming over her like she’ll vanish any second. “Didn’t expect to see you.”

“Yeah. Me either.” Rose dares to step closer, looking up at him. “Can I come in?” Jason hesitates ever so slightly, but it’s enough to kick Rose in the gut. She deserves that, too. 

“Sure.” He steps to the side, swinging his arm wide. Jason never kept a tidy room. Rose would constantly remake the bed before she left. If she brought pizza, she’d have to clear off the beer bottles and carefully move the bong out of the way. But Jason always took care of his books--bookmarking them, closing them gently and sorting them on the shelves by genre, author, title, routinely cleaning them with a fucking feather duster. At this point, Jason doesn’t even have a bedroom--he has a personal library with a bed in it. Right now--it looks like a tornado had swept through the shelves. 

“Fuck.” Rose muttered under her breath, frozen in the doorway. 

“Did you come here to talk, or to judge me?” Jason folds his arms, and Rose notices the bags under his eyes for the first time. She’s reaching to push the hair from his eyes before she catches herself. 

“To apologize,” Rose says quickly, ducking inside before Jason can change his mind. She finds a Complete Works of William Shakespeare lying open in the middle of his bed. Obviously, it’s too dark to read, but she’d know the size and thickness of that book anywhere. One of Jason’s favorites. 

Rose sets it aside, sitting on the edge of the bed with one foot draped across her lap. Jason lingers by the door, but he does close it behind him. His eyes track the movement of the book before daring to glance at her again. “Why’d you come back?”

“I missed you.” Rose says. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, she chants over and over in her brain, but “sorry” doesn’t feel good enough right now. Jason deserves the world, and Rose is just a tiny island wracked with storms. 

Jason’s eyes soften ever so slightly before they harden--cold as steel. “Missed what, exactly?”

Rose allows herself a small smile. Jason loves the big questions--meaning of life, origins of the universe, whether true love exists--he always has his head up in the clouds. Meanwhile Rose stands back on earth--rooted in doing things--going, doing, fucking, eating, breathing. The thunder outside nearly drowns out her words. “I missed the way your eyes change color when you’re angry, happy, or sad. The way you smile when you think no one is looking.” She itches to get closer to him--show him exactly how much he means to her, but it’s not her choice to make. “The way you forget the world around you when you’re reading.” Her voice thickens, with love or want--she isn’t sure. “The way your face lights up when Roy comes in the room.” 

Is it still raining? Rose isn’t sure. All she can hear is the thundering of her pulse in her ears and the sound of their breathing. Jason still hasn’t said a word or moved an inch--him and his fucking poker face. 

At first Rose thinks her eyes are straining to see him in the darkness, but then she feels a tear slip down her cheek. Damnit. This is why she doesn’t do this stuff. Love, real love, hurts. “I realized I didn’t want to live without that. I didn’t want to live without you. I don’t want to.” Jason probably can’t even understand what she’s saying at this point, with the way her breath keeps shaking her voice.

Jason finally looks away, and Rose nods to herself. Figures. It’s too late for them. It’s always too late. “Sorry,” she mutters, standing up and wiping her nose and eyes. It’s gonna be a bitch getting home in this weather, but she’ll manage. Rose always does. She’s halfway to the door when Jason grabs her hand. 

“Where’re you going?” he says softly, squeezing her hand. 

“I…” I’m going home, Rose says in her mind, but the words don’t ring true. She turns, daring to face him. “Not sure.” 

“Stay.” Jason tugs her ever so slightly, and she falls into his arms like she just jumped off a building. He reeks. Always has. Like dank weed and cheap beer. Rose wouldn’t have him any other way. 

“Jerk my arm why don’t you?” His laugh rumbles against her chest and she pulls back just enough to look at his face. Rose traces his features with her fingertips, reacquainting herself with the tip of his nose, the jut of his eyebrows, the firmness of his lips. 

Everything’s so desaturated in the dim room, but Jason’s eyes shine the brightest blue. “I love you, too.” 

Rose couldn’t tell who kissed who first. She’s too busy tasting his mouth and messing with his hair. Jason breaks for air, only to pay careful attention to where her jaw meets her neck. His hands roam her shoulders, arms, sides and stomach as if he can’t get enough of her. He has far too many clothes on. No zipper on Jason’s hoodie, so Rose lifts it to his shoulders, but he gets tangled in the sleeves. “Candles,” Rose says hoarsely. 

Jason peeks at her blankly through the bottom of his hoodie. 

“Please tell me you have some. Jack’s surely got enough to set the apartment on fire but I’m not keen on asking her tonight.”

“Be right back.” Jason frees himself of his shirt and hoodie, slipping out the door shirtless. 

Rose sits on the bed, unable to sit still, still humming with the thrill of his touch. She glances back at the Tome, and switches Jason’s phone’s flashlight on so she can finally read it. Jason has it open to Sonnet 87, 

“Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing,

And like enough thou knowst thy estimate.

The Charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;

My bonds in thee are all determinate.

For how do I hold thee but by thy granting,

And for that riches where is my deserving?”

Rose swallows, reaching to close the book when Jason comes back inside--his arms full of candles. He freezes when he realizes what she's reading.

“Oh, hey. Lemme take care of that.” Jason sets the candles on his tv stand, reaching for the book.

Rose swats his hand. “Candles.”

Rolling his eyes, Jason replies. “Fine. Fine.” 

Leaning back, Rose watches as the candles, lit one by one, cast a soft glow along the lines of Jason’s body. She doubts she’ll ever tire of the view. 

Lighting the last candle, Jason whisks around, lighter still in his hand. He nods down at the book. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Interesting choice. Real depressing.” Rose kicks her heels against his box spring. 

Setting the lighter aside, Jason grins slowly. “Actually. Hold on a sec.” He kneels, clearing a space on the floor. 

Rose stares at him. “No. Absolutely not. Your floor is a fucking mess.” 

“Don’t worry. You won’t be touching it.” Space cleared, Jason glances up at Rose. “Hand me Shakespeare.”

“Whatever.” Rose hefts it over, eyes widening as Jason sets it reverently in the space he cleared. “You’re shitting me.”

Jason snickers, shaking his head. “C’mon. The book may be hard, but the pages are soft.”

“Oh my god. I’m couching you for that.” Rose chides, but she gets down from the bed anyway. She glances at him one last time before sitting gently between the pages. 

“Better.” Jason’s eyes have darkened to a warm green. The fact that a dead playwright and poet makes him all hot and bothered never ceases to amuse her. “Lean back.”

Rose rolls her eyes, grabbing a pillow and stuffing it beneath her arms. 

Jason makes quick work of Rose jeans, shucking them off and tossing them across the room. Rose snorts as they take down a couple bottles in their fall. “Tell me if you’ve heard this one before.” His grins as he lowers himself to her neck. 

“What’s in a name?” Jason murmurs into her skin, his voice as reverent as a priest’s on Sunday. His fingers drag the zipper of her soaked hoodie down her chest, and goosebumps prick across her skin. 

“That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet.” Jason lavishes attention where her neck meets her shoulder, and Rose’s so caught up in his touch she almost doesn’t catch the reference. Almost. 

“Romeo and Juliet? Really?” she snorts, pulling back to give him a look of disdain. “Most overrated play ever.” 

“It’s a classic.” Jason pouts, his fingers edging underneath her t-shirt--a suitable challenge with the way the fabric sticks to her skin. He dives to kiss her collarbone. “And it has your name in it.”

“Jace, they off themselves because they’re impatient hormonal teenagers.” A moan slips from her mouth as he kisses from her waist to her chest, pushing her shirt up and out of the way. “It’s not romantic.”

Dragging the shirt and her bra up and over her head, Jason grins at her. Oh, he knows. “So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d.” 

“Do you put Jack and Roy through this? Or am I special?”

Jason doesn’t linger on her breasts, just moves her damp bra off her skin, hanging it on one of his bedposts. “Retain that dear perfection with he owes.” He plants a reverent kiss in the valley between them. 

“I am special, aren’t I?” Rose groans, for more reasons than one. 

Instead of answering, Jason snickers against her skin, breathing her in. “Without that title. Romeo doff thy name, and for that name which is no part of thee,”

Rose has another comeback coming, somewhere, but it’s hard enough trying to keep her breathing steady the farther south Jason travels with his mouth. He stops just north of her thighs, grinning up at her. “Oh, come on, already,” she groans again, letting her head fall back.

Jason wets his lips and tongue, waiting for her to look at him again. Once he has her full attention, he whispers, “Take all myself.”

Then he plants a kiss against her clit, and Rose shudders despite herself. “Really? You think some, some poetry is gonna, oh.” 

She can feel his grin as he toys with her licking gently around but never quite touching where she wants him most. His hair musses in her fingers as he kisses deeper, harder, licking her with nice, long strokes. Jason moans with her, the hum reverberating across her skin. Rose’s hips rise off the book and Jason holds her down with one arm. Pausing, Jason licks one finger, then another, and Rose can’t help but cry out his name as they thrust in and out of her while he lavishes attention on her clit. Fuck, she’s probably tearing his hair out, but she can’t help it. Now she’s so close she’s--

Jason pulls back, kissing her thigh, and Rose curses him and half his family. “I take thee at thy word:”

Fuck her, she’s pleading, pulling him back. “Jace, please. I need.”

Snickering, Jason plants a soothing kiss on her thigh before gathering her hands to her right side, holding them still. “Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized;” he murmurs as he wets his lips again. Something in her belly roils as she realizes what he’s planning. 

Mm, yeah, Jack and Roy definitely heard that scream. Let them, Rose thinks, until she can’t anymore, so focused on Jason’s feather light touch against her clit. She’s so close to falling right off the cliff when he pulls back again. This time, Rose bites her tongue, shaking as she waits for him to continue. 

Jason watches her come down from the brink, his smile wide (and his lips covered in her slick), and his eyes bright. Part of Rose wants to hide from that look--she doesn’t deserve it--she’ll break his heart--he’ll find out what she’s really like and he won’t look at her like that any-- Squeezing her hands, Jason pulls Rose from her thoughts, and she swallows hard as she allows her walls to come crashing down. “Jason, I--”

“Shh. We’re almost there,” he whispers, kissing her hands, squeezing them again. Waiting until she’s relaxed again, Jason leans down one last time, his words barely audible, “Henceforth I never will be Romeo.” He brings her back slowly, using his fingers as well as his tongue, seemingly touching her anywhere and everywhere at once. Sliding one finger inside her, then another, he closes his eyes, gracing her with long, slow licks, pumping and curling. Rose isn’t even sure what sounds are coming out of her mouth anymore, as her hips rise and fall with his fingers.

Her world flashes whiter and hotter than lightning. 

Maybe seconds pass, maybe hours, when Rose finally opens her eyes. The candles have nearly guttered out, and Jason lies, with his clothed legs intertwined with her bare ones. Rose should pay him back for that--when she finds the energy. She leans her forehead against his, murmuring. “Power still out?”

“Yeah.” Jason reaches out, trailing a hand down her bare back. 

“You need to clean off the bed before the candles burn out.”

Jason groans, holding her tighter. “Fine.” He releases her standing up stiffly and reaching for the stuff scattered across his bed. “Love you too, Rose,” he muttered under his breath. 

Rose sits up quickly, grabbing his hand. “Wait.”

Looking down at her in exasperation, Jason asks blankly, “What?”

“I love you.” The words feel so strange coming off her tongue, but Rose knows them to be true. “Meant to say it earlier but you were too busy going down on me and quoting lines to listen.”

Jason pulls her to her feet, and into a kiss. “You can say it whenever you want.”

Rose’s so busy tasting herself on his lips she almost doesn’t notice the hiss of the guttering candles. “Shit.”

“What?” Jason pulls back, looking around at nothing. “Fuck.”

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Back to my Safari bookmarks! If you’re wondering why I’d make hundreds and hundreds of bookmarks from tumblr, it’s because I had anxiety and didn’t have a blog yet. Took me a while and eventually I just impulsively made it one night.

- awww ancient Stucky fanart

- several etsy articles that are no longer available

- “Oops! Website deactivated”

- many, many, many links to nothing, but also an array of super random tumblr posts, and when I say random I mean random

- this was when CATWS was fresh and people were like :O

- a list of recipes to replicate fast food from some American chains at home... ew why would I want to eat any of these things ew ew

- past me, please explain, why would you bookmark all this stuff. why so many bookmarks of possible iphone cases to buy. you did buy some eventually. why keep these b--

- horizontally cutting an apple and putting peanut butter inside it DOES NOT make it a sandwich, American person who wrote this article about sandwich ideas. Wait, “Apple and Gruyere Waffle Sandwich”? That’s even worse.

- you again?? No, using a tomato instead of hamburger buns DOES NOT make a hamburger. How am I supposed to bite into the sk... nevermind.

- awww a bunch of etsy links about products for babies! This is from when my nephew was born ^-^

- a 2004 essay about Dumbledore

- that manga about Jesus and Buddha in modern Japan

- pictures of blooming tea... I have purchased some from a Chinese reseller through Amazon a very long time ago, but the package is “in transit but late” :(

- Roberto Ferri’s paintings (those beautiful ones you saw years ago all over tumblr)

- pictures from the 1930s/40s in color

- super cute pet videos

- nothing says “Etsy” like kintsugi kits where you’re sent a broken object to repair (I didn’t want one, but the link showed me those)

- sure, pick a theme for your blog where microscopic text is written in beige over white background, I’m sure that’s a good idea

- do you think John Winchester apologists who get really intense when someone brings up literal canon still exist on this site or. Actually no I don’t want to know.

- I miss the Carver era meta guys

- an essay that reads the Iron Man trilogy through the lens of “cyborg feminism” but somehow the Iron Man trilogy seems to be a fever dream. That’s what happens when you make other 9472 terrible movies with Tony Stark in it when he’s always written terribly.

- Oh boi remember fanmail. I miss fanmail. They should being back fanmail.

- random stuff, broken links, random stuff, I’m deading, even Safari is suffering I had to close it and open it again asdfghjkl

- Writing Exercises (I’m not checking if it’s actually useful rn tho)

- this smol 2014 article about the Captain America fandom will make you cry now because we had such a good thing and they chose to punish us for it

- https://musicroamer.com and http://www.liveplasma.com

- oh man an essay on why it would be so important for many people if Johnlock became canon. I feel so sorry for the TJLC people, they deserved better

- damn!! Look at this Etsy store!! Look at this stuff!! I want!!

- that time Sergei Polunin danced to Take Me To Church

- the Supernatural soundtrack, episode by episode

- a twitter account that got suspended?? (But also ewwwww twitter shows me what’s trending in my country and ewwwww)

- Centuries Before Memes, There Were The LOLCats Of Japanese Woodprints

- there’s a broken link to a page inside the site “thetoast” and their broken link page says “Oh, bother.” and a picture of a burnt toast

- http://lexicity.com (The first and only comprehensive index for ancient language resources on the internet.)

- NASA Goddard Youtube channel

- omg this is so funny. An article about “awesome recycling ideas”. The objects to recycle? Include? A grand piano; a sea mine; an old boat; another grand piano; A BOEING 747 JUMBO JET ENGINE; another boat; sliced cars; multiple more pianos... thank you I really needed an idea on what to do with that stuff in my garage

- one of my first tumblr posts............. you really want to see it? do you? okay. But you need to be familiar with that famous Nietzsche passage about the announcement of the death of God. Yeah, I know. I can’t fathom how I got thousands of people to follow me.

- an amigurumi project I actually tried, with an acquaintance’s help and all, but I just couldn’t

- a folder of random stuff lebeled “bau” (“woof” in Italian, you know, what the dog says)

- more resources for my thesis I never used

- the map of the central building of my university (I always get lost in it)

- once upon a time, the most used word on the internet was “codependency”

- thanks, past me, for grouping all these links from tumblr blogs that changed their url all together so I can just delete everything with a single click.

- a folder “sherlock meta”. Blogs that deleted. (*touches the ground*...)

- discussions on the dismissal of the queer reading of Sherlock :’) I’m sorry guys

- it’s a good thing I didn’t have a blog back then. If I’d reblogged all the posts I’ve saved it would have been a mess.

- TEEN WOLF META asdfghjkl I routinely forget that Teen Wolf is a show I actually watched. Sure, I abandoned it at some point. Like everyone else did, I think.

- guys, we’re at posts from the first few days of 2014. We’re about to enter 2013. I don’t know what we’ll find.

- Destiel posts. These are all Destiel posts.

- a link to the Naruto manga on a manga reader site.

The Safari bookmarks end here, I think because for Christmas 2013, if I remember correctly, I got a new laptop. But there’s a folder with some bookmarks I imported from the old one... 

- some resources on disability representation, random tumblr posts, and the family free of the Julio-Claudian dynasty

- super random tumblr blogs?? including the demo.tumblr.com??? idek

- oh boi. A super mega amount of tumblr blogs. How am I supposed to open these?? If I open all the tabs I’ll make my laptop crash... I’m not opening them. Most are unfamiliar, probably fandom blogs that changed their url twice a month, but I can spot a few I still follow :) Congrats, I “followed” you long before I had a blog myself.

Well, this was anticlimatic. Apparently, past me already got rid of all the wild stuff. There’s not even a SINGLE Glee thing? Not one? From 2014? Wait, what was airing in 2014? Season 5? Yeah, maybe that’s a reason. Still.

NEVERMIND I FOUND THEM, they’re no longer saved in a browser, I had changed laptops or sth and I had copied my bookmarks in a email I sent to myself so I could find the links again (which obviously says I made a selection, who knows how many bookmarks were lost. I don’t want to know lmao). I obviously have no reason, time or will to open them, but I can tell you I had divided them in categories:

- uni courses; Japan/Japanese; manga; philosophy and academical stuff; recipes; mixed [oh boi there’s some weird stuff here]; very useful sites; quotes & lyrics [what for?]; videos; Glee stuff; Glee art from DeviantArt; Glee tumblr blogs; Klaine-specific tumblr blogs; Supernatural stuff; Destiel-specific; my most used sites; Deviant Art - fanart [not specified, so I’m betting this is manga fanart - correction from some urls I can tell this is yaoi fanart, yep]; Deviant Art - non-fanart; watercolor images; Deviant Art - food; Deviant Art - pictures of Japan; something very embarrassing I’m not admitting it [no it’s not porn, that would be less embarrassing]; assorted tumblr posts; Supernatural meta; other tumblr posts.

So yeah that was my 2013, how was yours?

[atomicfilm]

The types as people I know

ENTP: dnd enthusiast, trying to sell the world on his beliefs, owns like 69 :0 rubix cubes so people will know he’s smart, probably wears a cloak when he’s home alone, loves volunteering at bingo w/ elderly people, always trying to compete w/ me to finish our work first/best and usually looses because he overlooks something, 98% of people are annoyed by his presence, likes to start fights/debates, actually super sweet and big on respect but misunderstood

INTP: we all adopt really random catchphrases (mine is “that’s hot” and my friend’s is “j’accuse”), we have very specific interests (”your thing is learning about concentration camps in the Czech Republic? Mine is 18th-century poems about cats in fishbowls”), devoted to comedy, going to vote but doesn’t openly support anyone because the candidate will mess up, caught between dreaming and reality, doesn’t really understand other people’s perceptions of them, built to withstand anything (and I mean anything, more on that later), managing my bookmarks is my routine chore

ENFP: stereotypical gemini through and through, I love her but I can’t stand to be close friends with her, has a bunch of plans to marry people and move in with friends later in life, friends w/ everyone she has ever met (if you say you don’t like her then you’re on her hit list), very nice but definitely scheming, attention split between 8,917 things rn, falls in love easily and obsessively, so so creative, great singer, wants to go into advertising but will probably become a pediatrician, loves babies and taking care of things

INFP: lots of feels, really into the arts, nervous about talking, people pleaser, writes poems in their spare time, would adopt 500 puppies if it made financial sense and wouldn’t stress them out, stressed out anyway, sees the red flags but ignores them, either your literal mom or the mom friend

ISFP: aesthetics-oriented, their room is really clean except for one area with whatever they collect (shoes, tchotchkes from Asia, snowglobes, ect.), usually overshadowed in the art department but turn out to be the best artist in the room, speak French and/or want to move to Paris (except it’s dirty, wah), they typically measure in oofs (”big oof”, “little oof”, “8 oz. of oof”)

ESFP: a new boyfriend every two weeks, eyebrow game strong, funniest person in the room (or at least that’s what they think), extremely sassy, watches videos of tobacco spitting contests in the Midwest for fun, 9/10 times (this is a fake statistic) they’re a theatre kid, forget who you are if they haven’t seen you in a year (even if you were close friends prior), drives fast (and poorly), hot (and knows it), very confident, their default state is shirtless, dramatic 

ISTP:  everything is an adventure, their ideal romance movie is Baby Driver, wants to learn how to hot-wire a car, doesn’t realize they look punk but they do, should be employed as a makeup artist, probably pretty kinky (or at least act like it), either a fake f-boy or a very, very real one 

ESTP: wants to be an architect or CEO, mostly wants to be paid to do nothing, most-often found asleep during class or telling a story in a crowd at a party, drives drunk a lot, already dating someone but tries to get with you anyway, straight male w/ dangly earrings (queer vibes), very hilarious and everyone knows who they are, their closest friends are introverts who they force to share the spotlight w/ them, either don’t show up or show up late, fun to be around, class valedictorian but everyone thinks it’s someone else

ESFJ: once had a nightmare where all of their friends got drunk and they had to take care of them, brings you cupcakes on your birthday, all of their friends are social degenerates and they don’t know what to do, watches children’s movies their entire life, has more stuffed animals than friends, everyone knows who they are 

ISFJ: their catchphrase is “I need healing” (warning: they will steal your catchphrase), carries a singular band-aid at all times, makes lots of jokes about Communism, makes racist jokes against themself, their extended family lives with them, uncomfortable about breaking rules, always wants to pay for things, everyone’s boyfriend but only dating 1 person/no one, big on the American Dream, literally Captain America, appears to be a virgin at first, makes lots of sex jokes once you get to know them, n e r d, good at everything /  you thought perfect people didn’t exist? you were wrong

ISTJ: ESTP’s best friend, the obviously intellectual one, does everything with amazing skill, supports their friends tirelessly, great at math, understand systems really well, the designated driver, try to follow the rules as best as they can, laughs a lot at other people’s engineering mistakes, quiet and unnoticed most of the time, surprisingly funny

ESTJ: give you advice even when you don’t ask for it, seem like they’re judging every decision you have ever made, won’t speak to you if you lie to them, the stereotypical club president, takes initiative, likes to mention that mission trip they went on very frequently, shops at Dillards (always hunting for good deals), has a very traditional sense of fashion until you see their crocodile cowboy boots, they have a very idealistic sense of society and if you don’t meet their standards they’ll yell very loudly, remembers everything, constantly fact-checking, actually should be president 

ENTJ: control freak, but only because they don’t trust you enough to make the right decision, ready to race you at all times, could probably run a mile in 6 minutes without breaking a sweat, confident, prefer strategy games like Settlers of Catan, if they were a society they would be Ancient Rome, want to motivate you to succeed, see themselves as the best but want everyone to match them, running out of patience, seems insensitive and ready to cut you off but probably has a warm, beating heart (idk I haven’t dissected them, personally)

INTJ: I don’t think they really exist, supposedly everyone on Tumblr is one but they only make up approximately .8% of the population, if I met one I would probably think they’re a weirdly assertive/controlling INTP, I think people mistype as one because their ideal sense of self is being an effective problem-solver who challenges tradition from the comfort of their home and purposefully does things (i.e. learning a new language for business) but are they really

Idk 

I can’t tell if they have a high sense of self or are trying to demonize themselves

INTJs are textbook villains in the movie world but also probably a lot of detectives or something

ENFJ: don’t know any of them/anyone I think could be one personally but I wish I did / I feel like if I met one I would want to be as good of a person as them all the time

INFJ: not very reality-oriented yet in love with science, wants to be a writer, curious, wants to figure everything out but primarily wants to love everyone, passionate about a few specific projects that they talk a lot about (social issues), always reblogs positivity posts, once gave a ted talk about mental health, he’s the debate captain yet cries every time he loses a debate (because he has a lot of self-doubt), prefers to nap than to talk sometimes, eventually realizes they wants to adopt all of the people younger than him and protect them from the world, easy to love, they may reflect your personality, may also have very particular body movements (the one I know does a lot of fan kicks), actually make NTs feel (like a lot, like a lot a lot, like real crying), eventually dates their best friend and marries them, doesn’t draw but collects art

[ngfics]

Natural Instinct - scene

.

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.

As far as second lives went it wasn't that bad.

"Jana?" mother of this body called. "Could you wash the dishes?"

She called back in affirmative before fishing for a bookmark to mark the page. Jana rushed to the kitchen ruffling the hair of her two younger sisters before getting to work.

When she was young, in her previous life, she loved washing dishes by hand; a silly tradition really and one she hated doing in the winter because back in her previous life there was no hot water in the kitchen. Here there were no such setbacks.

That made her cry sometimes.

The Sable family lived in a small village named Plume; on a Summer Island called Hook Island, Grand Line, Paradise.

First time she learned of this Jana had been torn between laughter and sobbing, not that she could be blamed for that, knowing the dangers of the world she was born in.

Clinking of the plates calmed her, smell of detergent made her focus on her work; but her mind did drift into slight introspection as these were all practiced movements. There was plenty to wash, their family ran an Inn - or rather her grandmother ran an Inn and the rest of the family just happened to live here.

This was one of grandmother’s grumbling complaints, so Jana had little issue lending a hand.

When she realized where she was, at age of three, she threw herself into reading any book she could reach. She considered herself very lucky to be born as a nobody and far away from the plot as possible; but she knew it might not stay that simple.

What if one of the more horrid pirate crews anchored here? what if pirates attacked her village? what if Marines decided to kill her entire island off?

What if, what if.

There was a myriad of possibilities that could end their peaceful lives here.

Gol D. Roger was executed when she was three, which left her quite some time until plot happened, assuming she didn't die before then, due to whatever. After all the main plot is not all there is.

One thing that she was certain of was that no one could know of the knowledge she possessed. It would place her family in danger, an entire world in danger, should there exist a person whose Devil Fruit could read minds.

Jana wanted to take no chances.

Best way to confuse a mind reader, who probably wouldn't be looking for any information under 'reincarnation' was to hoard huge amounts of knowledge. That was Jana’s take on the issue.

Little bits and pieces that would become credible clues to things she knew from before. Just so that a possible mind reader - and it was quite possible such a Devil Fruit existed - would consider her an investigator rather than an outsider with knowledge of the future.

She unplugged the sink and watched the soapy water drain away. Jana knew her parents were worried that she had no aspirations outside of reading and training her dog.

She smiled as she dried the plates.

How happy they were that she finally had a friend of sorts. Even if it was an animal. Jana had never been able to connect to her older sisters, not in the way sister's might; as she treated all four, both the younger and the older set of twins, as children.

Which they were, but being a young girl in body made it seem weird to others even if Jana was mentally thirty, twenty three years older than her body.

As soon as she was done she called to her grandmother that she was going out and grabbed her book again. "Jana!" her mother called out before she could disappear. "Don't forget to clean your room if you want to go with your father tomorrow!"

"I won't!" a rare grin spread across her face. She loved going with her father to the bigger city. A city that reminded her of her past life with it's tall buildings and numerous roads. No cars unfortunately, but still nostalgic. Jana loved to explore while her father did his work for the building company.

As an architect in a city like that he had no shortage of work; more than in their village of course, as pirates were more prone to anchoring and destroying in bigger cities.

While she did get in trouble sometimes, Jana was usually fast and nimble enough to escape and drunkards and delinquents that wanted to harm her.

After one incident which granted her a cut on her upper arm she made sure to run every morning if only to build up stamina.

This payed off in the busy streets of Lissel City where she learned to weave in and out of crowds with impressive speed, and manage to get back to her father unharmed every time since.

There were some of her father's friends that taught her how to punch properly once she returned with a black eye, courtesy of a fisherman's son who wanted to rip her book (he looked worse).

Her parents might have been worried that she would become a delinquent or a criminal, but her sisters pitched in with evidence that most kids in their nearby school were just jealous of Jana's smarts. After the elder twin's pleading she was left alone about any scrapes she gained, and if her father encouraged her to learn some self-defense and her grandmother looked suspiciously proud that was another matter entirely.

It was after the incident with Marines that her father encouraged her to broaden her physical training.

Jana didn't trust Marines, not by a long shot.

Mostly due to the fact that she was privy to their dirty secrets than anything else. Logically she knew there were good and bad Marines, in relation to civilian populace, just as there were many types of Pirates no matter what World Government said.

It was due to this that she gave Marines she encountered a benefit of doubt.

That was her first mistake.

Honestly, though, she knew there were some brutes out there, but to physically attack a seven year old was over the top. She didn't even bump into them or anything and being addressed as 'Hey you' didn't really clue her in that they were talking to her.

Jana returned home with a broken arm and an angry expression. Her parents panicked in short order, but only looked resigned when she said that it was the Marines.

That was the day she learned that her grandfather had been a pirate.

She also learned that Marines looked for any excuse to bring their family down. Villagers around here didn't like the Marines either, especially since they knew the Sable family and had no issue over long dead pirate relative. It was a small town, a close knit community.

Even if they had issues with each other, they had more beef with the Government.

Marines excused this as prevention. Keeping an eye on them in case any of them decided to turn pirate. Her parents' worry over her injuries looked to gain more weight with every moment.

It was the city dwellers who helped her once they heard her scream out from the pain; they escorted her back home after filing a complaint against the Marines. Her parents thanked them, but didn't expect it to go though, these things never did they said.

It was the first time they inflicted a serious bodily injury to a member of the family and her father worried that it might escalate.

That was the reason he introduced a broader training routine into Jana's schedule. Her elder sisters used to have their own when they were her age, but they were also less prone to getting in trouble.

Jana thought that this was the issue of her mental and physical age difference because she tended to mis-estimate danger.

It happened many times, but it was this time that she didn't manage to escape. Not that Jana made any mention of those previous times, not wanting to worry anyone, but it was this time that such an error was brought to her attention violently.

Three months passed since then. During the first month Jana shied away from people more than ever and her family fretted that her trust in people was broken irreparably.

What they didn't realize that it was her trust in herself that had been broken.

Jana grew more and more uncertain of her own knowledge of people, interactions and emotions.

Because, why couldn't she read the situation that time-why couldn't she see?!

It was Luca, her dog, who saved her. It was him who really saved her. Her family saw him bring her out of her shell, but they didn't see the whole picture.

Jana learned quickly that Luca was a good judge of character, he could smell it, sense it, whatever it was that he could do; he could definitely tell people's intentions. Jana let him take the wheel.

Everywhere she went Luca followed and Jana took cues from him.

From his slanted ears, bristling fur, bared teeth or low growls. She attuned herself and her observations according to him and pulled through.

.

Posts . 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . 7 . 8 . 9 . 10 . 11 . 12 .

Fic Masterlist

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[weightlosspr0gram-blog]

The way to Shed weight Fast at Any Age

Most Successful Weight Loss Program

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[purrplebun]

forget-me-not ; ch 1

fandom: mr. love: queen’s choice

pairing: gavin/reader

genre: fluff, angst

word count: 2.6k

summary: You, a stubborn and insecure woman who really needs a shoulder to lean on. Him, a strong and dependable man who strives to protect those dear to him. One would think it a match made in heaven - but in reality, things don’t go quite as smoothly.

a/n: reader doesn’t take on the role of mlqc’s original mc; credits to @rynkao for not only inspiring me to do this, but also writing the plot with me, advising me and letting me know whenever something needed fixing; thank you @just-lazy-croc for reading all of my drafts and supporting me; more at the end!

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As per routine, you were following the same path you always took on Fridays. Your life wasn't exactly in order. But if there was something that remained constant, it was this. You had always thought the building huge, almost maze-like, so the fact that you no longer needed help with directions was certainly an achievement. The long, seemingly endless halls were swarmed by people. And noise. So much noise, you were glad your earphones were plugged in. From uncertainty, despair, regret, desperation and all the way to relief, their gazes portrayed the internal struggles they were going through.

You merely minded your own business as you were passing by. It wasn't that you were heartless or wished despair upon anyone, no - after all, you were fully aware of how impactful accidents and illnesses could be. But looks of pity from strangers aren't exactly appreciated by everyone. Some people prefer to suffer in silence or keep to themselves, so they might wind up doing more bad than good.

You could relate to that too.

Nevertheless, there was a second reason why you were rushing. That Friday was different, the colorful bouquet in your hands said as much. It had been exactly eight years since the accident. Eight years since you caused someone's life to take a turn for the worse. And eight years since you started paying weekly visits to the hospital.

Upon finally reaching your destination, you lightly knocked on the door and opened it. The room was no different from before, silent and welcoming. "Hey, Em," you quietly said, after closing the door behind you and heading towards the windowsill. There, a single blue hydrangea stood lonely. You had left it the prior week, so its once outstanding beauty now wilted. "I brought you some really nice flowers this time.

"Lying on the hospital bed was a girl with long, brown hair, early in her twenties, and your best friend during high school. Much like the sleeping beauty, Emily had closed her eyes one day and didn't open them since. It had been nothing but an accident, truly. If only she hadn't run off the way she did, that car wouldn't have crashed into her. If only the two of you hadn't argued back then, she would've been alright now. She would've been living her life the way she wanted, not like a vegetable stuck to a bed. She would've been.. happy. "If only-" you shook your head so as not to further that line of thinking. These doubts were always present in your mind, haunting and tormenting; but now was not the time.

So you resumed arranging the flowers. You took out the hydrangea and carefully placed the fresh lilies. Since they were her favorite flowers, you decided to have a special bouquet arranged for this occasion. They were pretty. Colorful. Alive. You couldn't help but stare at them for a while before finally taking a seat by Emily's bedside and unplugging your earphones.

"I haven't managed to sell any paintings this week either," you spoke up, disappointment clear in your tone, "but college has been otherwise going pretty well." This is how your visits always went: telling your friend about your everyday life, recalling fun memories from your past and asking her questions you knew you wouldn't get an answer to. "My part-time job hasn't been too bad either, apart from your usual snobs here and there," you made sure to add with a sour face.

The only sounds disrupting the silence were the constant beeps of the heart monitor. Visiting Emily had always represented some sort of escape from reality. Of course, you also wanted to see her, but you couldn't deny the existence of other reasons. For one, you were trying to atone. To push away the demons haunting you. On the other hand, it was during your visits that you finally had peace, both in your mind and surroundings. You could finally relax, hear your own voice and that of your subconscious.

It wasn't an exaggeration to say that everything around you was so full of noise, you couldn't even think properly. After all, you were different. You, much unlike normal people, were capable of hearing others' thoughts - or as movies so eloquently put it, mind reading. It seemed like a scenario taken straight out of a really bad fanfiction. Which is why, back when you first discovered your ability, you thought your lack of sleep had finally caught up with you; and you must've been hearing things.

A few similar occurrences later, that assumption proved to be false. But if that was indeed reality and you could actually read minds.. then just what was going on? What caused that sudden change in you? Was there a way to get rid of it? And more importantly, were there any other people like you? Hundreds upon hundreds of questions were swarming in your head. You thought about talking to your parents but reconsidered after imagining their reactions. "They probably wouldn't even give me the time of the day", which was justifiable, considering you had superpowers. So, like any other person in the 21st century who sought answers, you decided to consult the internet.

It took a lot of digging. You had to go past thousands of movie reviews, superhero stories and game synopses before you could finally find something useful. While not about mind reading specifically, you did manage to learn a few new things. One, superpowers were real and referred to as evols. Two, people all over the world had evols, but they were kept secret for the most part. And three, there was no way to get rid of them. Or if there was, no one had ever revealed or mentioned anything about it.

Your research done, you proceeded to bookmark a few websites and go on with your life as usual. Your evol could get quite annoying at times - during exams, for instance, you involuntarily heard some of your classmates' thoughts and therefore had trouble concentrating. But it was bearable. You thought that, with time, you'd get used to it.

Oh, but how wrong you were.

Fate has a way of toying with people, and as you grew up, so did the power within you. It got bigger. Larger. It grew to the point where it was uncontrollable. Albeit without your intent, you were able to hear what anybody near you was thinking. The closer they were to you, the louder the voices in your head. You could no longer differentiate thoughts from sentences, not even when they were yours. You had long lost control. Hell, did you even have it in the first place?

That power took away your peace. It was slowly driving you mad, but you had to stay strong. Because you knew. You knew it must've been a punishment for what you'd done, for ruining your best friend's life. So you learned to live with it, and in the process, music became your best friend. It was the only thing you could think to do, in order to at least drown out the noise.

"If only everyone was as kind as you, I'd be rich right now," you couldn't help but sigh, as you left your chin to rest on your hand. Closing your eyes, you tried to imagine how that scenario would go. "Then I'd be able to buy us tickets to one of Kiro's concerts. You haven't heard any of his songs yet, but I just know you'd be madly in love with them."

It was true. You had a pretty good grasp of Emily's taste in music, and Kiro's definitely fit the bill. Not only that, but he was also the most popular idol in Loveland - for good reason. He was charismatic, really good at what he was doing and his looks were pretty up there as well. Kiro wasn't involved in any scandals either, so you just couldn't dislike him. "Or maybe I could go on a vacation. You know, escape from the city and all the noise that comes with it. Just me, the sun, and-" But before you could continue, the sound of the door creaking pulled you out of your fantasies.

Expecting it to be someone part of the hospital staff, you lazily opened your eyes and directed your gaze towards the entrance. What you were met with, however, wasn't a doctor or a nurse. It was a well-built, tall man with short chestnut brown hair. He was wearing a simple white shirt with a blue denim jacket on top, leaving part of his collarbone exposed. As your (e/c) eyes met a pair of golden ones, widening in realization, you were sent back to that day. "You're.."

Last time you saw him, the two of you were still in high school. He was shorter then and his shoulders weren’t as broad, but he otherwise remained pretty much the same. As for his personality, you knew he used to be a troublemaker - according to the rumors circulating between students, at least.

You didn’t believe a word. Not after what he’d done. Not after how, without caring about the dangers it involved, he tried to save Emily. His presence at the scene had been a mere coincidence; but as soon as he saw the car fast approaching, he started running. “Watch out!” He didn’t stop to consider calling someone for help or think about the situation he was in.

He just saw someone in danger. And decided to act.

Something you didn’t, as you stood there petrified. You watched as your best friend ran towards the street without paying attention to where she was going. You watched as this boy called out to her and attempted to push her out of the way. You watched as the car crashed into her body because the boy was a few seconds too late. All you did was watch as the scene unfolded right before your eyes. You were in so much shock that you couldn’t even cry. Not that you would have allowed yourself to, anyway. After all, you weren’t the one in pain.

You were just a bystander, there to witness faith follow its course. That boy, however... He was a hero. Someone who, without giving it another thought, helped people in need; all out of his own free will. You hadn’t seen anyone display such bravery before. A category you knew full well you were part of. The two of you were so different, you never thought you'd meet him again... Yet there he was now, standing in front of you.

“Gavin,” he suddenly spoke up as if to finish your earlier sentence, “from high school. But judging by the look on your face, you remembered as much.”

It then dawned upon you that you must’ve been staring. Cursing internally for your failed first impression, you quickly got up from your seat and extended your right hand towards him. “S-Sorry for spacing out like that! I’m (y/n), also from high school. But I’m guessing you knew that already.” Gavin lightly shook your hand whilst you scratched your neck in embarrassment, eyes landing on the bouquet you hadn’t noticed he was holding. Lilies.

“Oh, do you want some help with those?” No sooner had the words left your mouth, than you immediately regretted it. He most likely came in expecting to be alone, to see Emily and maybe some of her relatives; having an old acquaintance around wouldn't exactly count as privacy.

"On second thought, I should probably-" but he interrupted you before you could finish your sentence. "Sure, thank you." His lips curled up in a small smile as he handed you the flowers. After replying with an awkward "Make yourself comfortable..?", you took them gingerly and headed towards the windowsill once more.

Flower arrangement wasn't something you were particularly into, but you liked to think that you had an artistic sense for it. You were, after all, a painter and you loved art. Albeit it didn't really seem to love you back.

You removed the ribbons keeping both bouquets' lilies tied together and freed them in the vase. Since you didn't have a specific design in mind, you just let your hands move them around playfully. You heard Gavin’s footsteps as he went to sit where you previously had been. And then there was silence. Not the comforting sort, it was rather the kind of silence that made you want to just run away.

"Oh God, what am I supposed to do now? I can't just leave, but sitting in complete silence like this is unbearable. Then again, what can I even say? «Hey, so how's life been?» That's too awkward!"

Wait, backtrack a bit. Silence? Your movements stopped abruptly. By now you'd normally hear everything he was thinking, every sentence going through his mind. ..So why weren't you? Not that you were complaining, of course - getting into others' brains wasn't something you wished to do, and that wouldn't ever change.

However, that wasn't the first time something like this had happened. There'd been a few people present in your life whose thoughts you couldn't hear. But you never managed to put your finger on why. Did they have something that prevented your ability from working? If they did, would you be able to procure it too? And did that mean you could finally stop it for granted?

You stole a quick glance at Gavin, who was looking at Emily. You couldn’t see his face very well, but you could’ve sworn you heard a really faint, almost unnoticeable “I’m sorry.” Seeing as that was all you heard and he didn’t show any signs of moving, you decided to just brush it off, “Yeah, I must’ve imagined it.”

Going back to your train of thought, maybe today was your lucky day. Maybe this man represented an important clue in finding the answers you sought. Maybe talking to him would help you learn more about your evol. Maybe, just maybe, the Universe finally decided you had enough suffering and gave you a chance. Or maybe not, and you were completely wrong.

Even so, you definitely couldn't let this opportunity slip by.

"Hey, umm.. would you like to head to a café and catch up on things? I know a good place." He turned his head to look at you and you used the chance to add, "Oh, only if you're free! I wouldn't want to inconvenience you." It was a pretty sudden invitation, so you anxiously awaited his response expecting a rejection. If he refused, your only lead at the moment would be gone and you’d continue your life as usual. After seemingly considering it for a few seconds, he finally replied.

"Of course."

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a/n: aaaahh i’m sorry there’s not a lot of gavin in this chapter!! i wanted to properly introduce the main character and her backstory, also no, emily isn’t the original mc i assure you - dating your high school crush is nice, but i just?? want gavin to naturally fall in love with someone else?? i haven’t seen something like this done often, and if i’m motivated enough this should be a preeetty long fic,,. so i guess we’ll see how it goes. anyway!!!! no one cares but this all started because of a really soft dream i happened to have of gavin?? where he was super nice to me and i actually got to touch him???? idk how that happened but it did so now i’m turning it into a fanfic. which reminds me, please keep in mind i’ve never seriously written before, so whilst i may not be the best now i’ll make sure to improve along the way! (つ﹏⊂)

thank you so much for reading if you’ve reached this far!❤️

[stjernfaerie]

2, 3, 12, 13, 19, 20, 26, 27, 31, 59,, 64, 66, 71, 79, 80, 83, 84 and 96.

I’m on a hangout with @mtheunanxious and she wants me to add her commentary so that will be in italics cause she italian oooohhh

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

YES I LOVE IT!!! my favourite thing is when I go outside for like ten seconds to get the mail or whatever and when i get back inside i can’t feel my face

I’d say I don’t like the cold too much. I like being warm, but like in cold weather.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

none i use bookmarks but also i don’t really read much oopsss

whaddup I’m M, I’m 17, and i never fucking learned how to read

12: what’s your favorite planet?

The sun is not a planet but I want to answer with “the sun” so that’s what I’m doing, fuck the rules

thE sUn Is NoT a PLaNEt it’s A stAr

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

@mtheunanxious 

awww

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I used to do bullet journaling but I lost the routine of it last fall, so now I don’t anymore. I want to pick it up though

I watch other people’s youtube videos about bullet journaling but I am too lazy to do my own. But I feel like I belong. 

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

all of them

No. If you don’t say mine I’m gonna fucking- fINish this call. 

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

My Heelys. I’ve only had them for about a year but wHAtever I love them to dEaTH

Dude, you’re such a fucking mEme (she says, looking like a meme)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

Peppermint

ew. peppermint. sucks. 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I mostly wear Harry Potter themed socks cause I’m a nErD, but also I take them off as soon as I get home and I would nEVER sleep in socks cause I’m not a monster

I don’t have feet.

59: what’s your favorite myth?

Mythbusters. 

*M proceeds to melt me that’s fine*

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

The colour of the sky in Sweden right now is dark dark daaaaarrrrkkkkkkkkkk blue. It is night time sky colour

The sky is black cause it’s midnight

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

large and obnoxious hell yeah

It’s too personal. 

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

existed

I forget a lot of things so- I can’t answer. 

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

They’re white. I chose that. I have no idea why. I guess I thought the wallpaper was pretty. Which it honestly kind of is. 

Brown because I sleep in a cave underground. 

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

I don’t know mmmmmäääääääääääää

I really like uh... um.... uuuuhhhmmm------- the art from girl in red’s albums. 

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

yES! I want a triangleeeeee and also some hp related shit idk i just like tattooos i thin kthey’re pretty but alsoooo i wanna be an actor and all the makeup artists are gonna hate me :)))))

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

I never install the computer updates cause i never shut off my computer and I just- idk nah i just don’t. 

I always click “remind me tomorrow”, and I’ve been doing that for like, the past month

[stephhannes]

new year, who dis

what would be the use in becoming a symbol of walking desolation? awash in multiple griefs, elaborating on anguish. even if i never get to see you again, i’ll know that when we collided we both broke each other open. 

                                                   -mount eerie, love without possession 

i guess it’s been four months since i’ve sat down to write an actual blog. i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year. 

i’ve tried to write an update a few times over the last couple of months, but every time i tried to write something, it’s just aggressively sad. like that one st. vincent lyric— i try to write you a love song, but it comes out a lament. and while an aggressively sad tone is appropriate to how i’ve been feeling, i’ve been trying to bring less sad energy to the table. (a surprise to everyone, because sad energy is my entire brand). 

I planned to get this blog up by january 1st. and then i kept putting it off. hence why this starts off saying things like, “i guess it’s been four months,” and “i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year.” today is february 4th, which means it’s officially been a year and a half since nathan died. 

in the last few weeks, i’ve been under a lot of stress. i’m juggling three jobs right now, and somehow still don’t make enough money to survive. i’m sure that at this point, i’ve described to you my bona-fide money saving technique. it’s called “i only eat three days a week because it’s too expensive to feed myself every day,” sometimes, i get lucky, and get the scraps from events at work, and that’s literally like the one (1) thing i look forward to. 

i’m still out here searching for a salary (and health insurance) and hopefully, by my birthday, i’ll have that. but we’ll see, the job search has been uhhh…..abysmal to say the least. 

anyways, in the midst of being stressed, i’ve realized that i really don’t think about nathan all the time like i used to. sometimes i’ll go like two days before i’m reminded of him. the other day, i was like “am i a bad person because of this?” and like, logically, i know that it’s totally normal, but on the other hand, i can’t help but feel guilty because of it sometimes. i feel a sense of responsibility to exist as a reminder of “hey, this person existed, and they mattered,” and while i realize that’s a huge weight to put onto myself, i feel like if i don’t, then who will? 

last night, i was reading house of leaves (which, despite owning a copy since high school, i’ve actually never read it before) and i found nathan’s bookmark (a ticket from a baseball game he went to right after he moved to new york) in it, from when i let him take a few of my books when he moved to nyc. i got weirdly emotional and was like “wow what a fun coincidence to find this item of nathan’s that i’ve never seen before in my life on the 1.5 year anniversary of him dying.” i’m not saying i’m superstitious, but maybe i am a little stitious. 

+++

since the last time i wrote a blog, i’ve kept notes on my phone every time something happens that i feel holds some sort of importance- so here’s what’s been in my notes since august 4th. 

august 24, 2019. 4:17am

when i went into work on august 5th, a coworker of mine asked how i was doing. i was doing alright. the anniversary of nathan’s death really didn’t hit me too hard. i assumed i would have a huge nervous breakdown, and i didn’t. 

then my coworker, who’d also lost a partner, told me, “i hate to sound negative and be the one to tell you this but the second year is a lot harder than the first.”

that’s what i’d been reading online for months, but to hear someone say it to my face i was just like… oh shit. 

and so far, the second year has been harder. 

i’ve officially been out on my own for a month now. 

the best part about having depression is that no matter where you are, you still have depression. i don’t know why i was expecting moving to just alleviate all of my sadness when i know that i’ll always find a way to be miserable wherever i am. 

it’s nice to be out of abilene and at least have the option of opportunity, but i basically just spend all of my free time asleep or crying. 

as the ancient oracle, britney spears, once said- “my loneliness is killing me.”

now that i’ve started getting into a routine, i’m starting to feel that hole in my life again. 

i’m on the same schedule that i was when i lived in new york, almost. 

when we lived in new york, i would leave for work around 4, i’d get home around 11:30, and then nathan and i would hang out until around 4am, and then go to bed. the next day, he’d usually wake me up at a normal time, (or at least 2 hours before i had to be at work). 

and now i have to leave for work around 4:30, i get home around 11, and when i come home i’m just alone. and i lay in bed until i’m finally exhausted enough to fall asleep, usually around 5am. and then i wake up ten minutes before i have to go to work. 

i have been feeling this deep, existential sadness for awhile now. every night, i lay in bed and think about all of the conversations i wish i could revisit with nathan. all of the things i wish i’d said. i relive all of my favorite moments of ours. i am still so desperate to feel close to him again. 

i cannot remember a time in my life when i was excited to wake up. i cannot remember a time when i looked forward to my future. in fact, when i think about my mental health as a child, the only thing i remember is one time when i was 12, my dad bought me tickets to see my favorite band. i was obviously so incredibly excited, and expressed the human emotion of joy, and my mother accused me of being on drugs because she’d “never seen me act like that before.” it was so surprising to her to see me happy that she literally thought i was on drugs.

i’ve been like this for as long as i can remember, except for the two years that nathan and i were together. i was still so depressed when we lived together, but for the first time, i was looking forward to the future. for the first time, dealing with my depression seemed worth it. for the first time, putting effort into getting better made sense.  

for the first time in my life, i didn’t feel alone. 

and it took a lot of effort on nathan’s part to make sure that i didn’t feel alone. the loneliness i’ve always felt is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. i actively choose to retreat from friendships and relationships. i stop responding to texts. i hide away and cancel plans. it’s my fault that i feel isolated- because i isolate myself. and nathan refused to let me do that. when i get stressed, i internalize everything and take it all on my own- and nathan would recognize when i was doing that and beg me to let him help. and i wouldn’t let him help. but he would still do it, because he knew what i needed without me asking and would just quietly provide it for me so that i wouldn’t lose my mind. and a lot of the time the help was just him actively sitting me down and reminding me that i’m in fact, not alone. i’ll never forget when i was so stressed after moving to new york because i was so poor, and nathan telling me that “it’ll be okay. we’ll figure it out.” i never asked him for money, or for help, because i have too much pride for that. but even when i was working, i was struggling to make ends meet for myself, and he would sneakily do things like go to the grocery store and be like “oh hey, i was at the store today and just picked up some chicken for you so you don’t have to go yourself.” there were a few times when i asked him to pick up something from the halal cart for me because i didn’t want to get out of bed and i’d be like “there’s cash in my wallet just grab it” but instead of taking the money from my wallet, he’d just get the food for me, and put the change he had leftover in my wallet for me to have.

but even past that, just emotionally, he’d always reassure me that i wasn’t alone. as soon as he started to sense me doing the thing where i try to isolate myself, he’d just cling to me even harder. 

here’s the thing: i’m too tired to fight for myself, and i don’t have anyone that’ll fight for me the way that nathan did. 

august 29th, 2019. 5:32pm

so here’s the tea: i went on a date for the first time since nathan died. i went out last night, got drunk, got on bumble and agreed to go on a date this morning. so yeah, i was aggressively hungover, which is maybe not the best version of me for someone to meet- but it’s the version i brought to the table nonetheless. and like, it was fine. well, up until the point he was trying to relate to me and my career in theatre and told me that his favorite musical is CATS. his favorite cat is the rum tum tugger, and he can’t wait to see the movie in december. 

it’s not going to work out. CATS is an abomination and i refuse to spend time with anyone who disagrees with that statement. 

on a more serious note: i realized that i definitely don’t have the emotional capacity to date. i just can’t bring myself to care about anything anyone has to tell me about themselves. you have two sisters, your parents divorced when you were 8 and and you love CATS? zzzzz….sorry, that was me blacking out for 7 minutes. 

y’know, i’m unsure about a lot of things in my life. like, don’t try to ask me what i want for dinner because i refuse to make a decision about anything. don’t ask me what my favorite movie is, or my favorite book. i have no idea, dude, sorry. BUT the one thing i have incredible clarity about is what i deserve in a relationship. i had impossibly high standards before nathan and i were together and now they’re even higher- but that’s fine when you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with scrubs to begin with. 

the other day, i found my journal that i kept in college. it starts in august of 2015, with the eulogy i wrote for my dad’s funeral. an excerpt: “despite me acting like an awful teen at times, he always was on my side. i think that’s what i’ll miss the most. i’ll miss having someone who had my back 100%. i’ll miss having someone who was always making sure i was happy…” and after reading that, i realized why my relationship with nathan was so successful. i’ve always heard that “girls always end up marrying someone like their dad” thing, and for the most part always chalked it up to weird patriarchal bullshit, but maybe there’s a little truth in it. because i definitely see some of my favorite things about my dad reflected in my favorite things about nathan. 

september 30, 2019. 1:09am

sometimes the saddest things must be sung. 

every time i try to write, it’s impossible to say anything that’s not just “i’m sad.” i haven’t been feeling great lately. i just feel trapped in this infinite loop of sadness and it’s so exhausting. i don’t like being like this. nathan would always get so frustrated with me when my depression was really bad, and i’d always be like do you think this is fun for me??? do you think i like being like this??? do you think i wake up and want to be a goblin??? newsflash my dude, i don’t. 

here’s the thing: when nathan first died, i was sad all the time. but it made sense. i had a reason to be sad all of the time. 

but i’m still sad all of the time. i wake up, i’m sad for 10 hours and then i go to bed. and then i wake up, maybe go to work, come home and be sad until bedtime. it’s a constant loop of sadness and i am so tired. 

nothing i do fulfills me. nothing satisfies me. i have neither purpose nor direction. i’m tired. and i’m sad. 

october 2nd, 2019. 7:34pm

i went to urgent care today- turns out i don’t have depression, i just have a torn ligament in my ankle. 

for context: i fell down the stairs at work the other day, crunched my ankle like it was an empty ozarka water bottle, and just wrecked my shit. i think this injury has me sadness spiraling a lot more than i normally do. now i get why nathan used to get so depressed whenever he’d injure himself.

the first time i got really sick after nathan died, i was so sad. this is my first ever really bad physical injury- i’ve never broken a bone or torn anything before, and i’m really feeling the loss of nathan right now. like how am i supposed to feed myself when i can barely walk to the kitchen? who’s supposed to remind me to take my ibuprofen every few hours? 

senior year of college, i kept getting strep, and the only reason i didn’t die is because every 12 hours nathan would call me to make sure i took my antibiotics, even when i had to take them at 2am. i only have two voicemails from him saved on my phone and literally one of them is from 3am and he’s like “hello wake up, your penicillin is calling, i’m gonna keep calling you until you wake up.” 

even though spraining my ankle was a nightmare, it could’ve been worse. just think, if i was a framing device in an emily bronte novel, i would have just had to live at work for five weeks until it healed.

october 11th, 2019. 5:37pm

i haven’t been sleeping lately, and last night i fell asleep around 6am. the cold front had just blown in and it was raining and i finally fell asleep. before i went to bed, i cracked my windows open for the first time this year and when i woke up this morning it was chilly in my room. i woke up in a little cocoon of all of my blankets and pillows and for a moment, before i completely opened my eyes, it felt like i was back in new york, waking up with nathan on a fall wednesday morning. it’s the little things.

october 25th, 2019. 2:19am

i keep thinking about all the things that have returned to me. all of the things that i gave to nathan that are back in my possession, tucked away in my room. like the grey ut shirt that was 3 sizes too big for me- so i gave it to him as a christmas present our first year together. he had been in new york for a semester, and he surprised me by coming to austin for new year’s- we hadn’t talked about christmas gifts or anything, but we ended up giving each other almost the exact same gift. he had gotten me a columbia sweater, and he slept in it for a few days before giving it to me, so it smelled like him. i did the exact same thing with that grey shirt. we couldn’t stop laughing when we exchanged the gifts because we were so amused that we’d gotten the same thing for each other. 

after he died, that shirt was one of the few that i kept of his, he slept in it all the time when we lived together. it still smells like him. 

i don’t wear my rings anymore, but when i see them in the bottom of my jewelry box, i think about the day that i gave him the engagement ring. he was so afraid of me saying no if he were to propose to me, so i told him that when i knew i’d say yes- i’d give him the ring i wanted him to use. on our first anniversary, i was visiting him in new york, right before i flew back to texas, i left a letter on his desk, with the ring attached. it returned to me a year after that, on our second anniversary when he proposed.

the day after nathan died, i went through all of his stuff. mostly because i knew i was about to fly back to texas and i didn’t know when i’d return to our apartment, so i wanted to collect all of his important documents that i didn’t want to lose. social security card, IDs, cards, passport, etc. but when i was digging through his backpack, i found a folder, where he’d kept all of the letters and cards i’d given to him throughout the years.

my personal favorite was an envelope that had two things in it: a sample size of the perfume that i’ve always worn, and a letter that just said “for when you miss me.” i gave that to him before we were even together. it was during that weird ambiguous era of our relationship where we were too afraid to commit, but were definitely in too deep to not commit. every time i would leave his apartment, he’d comment on how his pillows smelled like me, and how he missed me- right after he made his decision to go to columbia, we assumed we would never see each other again, so i gave him that letter. 

i was surprised to see all of those letters because that meant that he moved them from his apartment in abilene, to new york, to our apartment in new york, back to texas, and then to philly. 

so in turn, i moved them from philly, back to abilene, and now they’re with me in a box in austin. 

and i hope that one day all of the love that i gave to nathan will return to me. 

november 4th, 2019. 12:31am

in the deepest, blackest night of despair if you can get just one pinhole of light, all of grace rushes in.

november 19th, 2019. 2:20am

i’ve started taking up space again.

december 20th, 2019. 1:41pm

y’know, i’ve been doing pretty well for myself lately, and by that i mean that i haven’t had any major meltdowns. well, except for a couple of days ago. it was a christmas party, and as we all know- i’m not great at being social. but i also never turn down an invitation, which is a strange combination of things that happen to exist at the core of my being. but luckily, i got a plus one. see, with a plus one, i have a buffer there. i can bring one of my more interesting friends to carry conversations for me and then by proxy i become more able to socialize because i have to expend less energy by having that buffer there. anyways the person i was bringing as my plus one cancelled two hours before the event which meant that i had no time to try to get someone else to come with me. and this threw me into a major breakdown. i didn’t even want to go to the party at this point, but i had spent so much money on an outfit that if i didn’t go i would have wasted like 60 dollars. and i sat there trying to put makeup on to go but i kept crying and ruining it and then i chugged three white claws before even showing up at the party and i didn’t eat beforehand because there was supposed to be food there but by the time i was done crying and arrived, there was nothing left and then i drank 5 glasses of wine because it was free and i have social anxiety, and somehow i made it through the night without making a fool of myself, which is a miracle. 

the thing is, i really don’t get upset about a lot of things. but if someone cancels or changes plans on me, especially plans that we’d had set for at least a month in advance, i lose my god damn mind. there is historically nothing that upsets me more. 

but this time around, i realized that it really hurt me because it was the first time that i was confronted with the fact that i no longer have anyone in my life that prioritizes me. like, if nathan was begrudgingly my plus one to an event, he can’t get out of it- it’s non-negotiable. but like, i don’t hold that level of importance in anyone else’s life- there’s always something more important to them and uhhhhh that feeling sucks. 

+++

and that was the last note i wrote in 2019. which brings us to january 2020. when i think about my relationship with nathan, i feel like january always ended up being a special month for us. in 2016, january was the first time i ever spent the night with nathan. in 2017, nathan came back to texas to see me for the new year, after we’d been long-distance for five months. at the end of 2017, he went out of town for like three weeks, and i was miserable and all alone for the holidays, but in january 2018, his last day of vacation back home in abilene coincided with my first day of vacation back in abilene so we got to see each other for a little bit instead of having to go an entire month apart during the holidays. 

so i always end up getting weird and do a lot of reminiscing in january- but i feel like that’s kind of universal. 

like the #1 thing that everyone does is get all existential and contemplative when the new year hits. 

+++

in 2018, i never stopped moving. like a shark, i would have died if i stayed in one place for too long. and there i was in 2019, finally staying in one place.

it was a lot easier to ask for help when i had a reason to be sad. but now enough time has passed since nathan died that i feel like a burden when i’m not doing well. 

in my blog post wrapping up 2018, i said that my goal was to be kinder to myself. i also said that 2019 was going to be for starting a new life.

and while i’ve been no kinder to myself, at least i’ve made strides in living in this new phase of my life. in 2019 i moved out of my mother’s house, and back into my best friend’s apartment in austin. i got 3 jobs. i cut off all of my hair and pierced my nose. i started taking up space again. 

a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine told me that she had also lost a partner before. but what stuck with me was when she said, “you will never be the same. you’ll be happy again, and you’ll fall in love again- but you’ll never be the same person again”

and i’m realizing how true that is. 

i think one of the scariest scenarios is waking up one day and not remembering who you are. and that’s exactly what happened to me in 2018. i woke up one day without nathan and couldn’t remember who i was. 

one thing everyone’s been talking about lately is how this is the end of the decade, and i realized that nathan was in my life for the entire decade. he was in my life before the decade even started. and then when he died, i lost such a huge part of my identity. there’s a bear’s den lyric that’s like “i don’t want to know who i am without you,” and that’s what 2019 was for me.

kintsugi is the japanese art of fixing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold. i’ve always been a vase held by shaky hands, constantly on the precipice of shattering- and in 2018 i was dropped. in 2019, i’ve been finding tiny pieces of myself and trying to piece them back together to form a whole person again. 

recently, i’ve been realizing all of the little pieces of me that are missing. like the part of me that used to be good at holding conversations with people. and the part of me that had the ability to be a person for more than like 3 hours a day. and the part of me that showed excitement about things. i don’t even know what things excite me anymore? do i have interests or hobbies? not really. one time, i described myself as a robot that powers off if i am not at work, and wow, what an apt description.

the other day, one of my friends called me out about how she can never tell if i’m actually excited about something or not. my language is always very vague and even when i’m really stoked about something, i rarely show excitement about it. 

+++

so now it’s february 2020. it’s been a year and a half since nathan died. i’m feeling better. the other day, i came to the realization that i think my emotions have finally leveled off. i’m back to my normal amount of unstable, rather than that really virulent level that i was at for awhile at the end of last year. it feels good to finally have a little bit of control back over my life. i’ve finally really settled in at work, and i’m starting to feel more confident in my capabilities. 

so what are my goals for 2020? i think the biggest thing is to find something that i care about. honestly, probably a big part of the reason why i’ve been having such a hard time finding a Big Girl Job to settle into is because there’s just nothing that i’m 100% passionate about. it’s hard for me to find an answer other than “i’m just trying to not die,” whenever i get asked “so why do you want this job?” i really want to find lasting stability this year. i’m tired of not being able to enjoy anything because i don’t have money. whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously was never poor because let me tell you, i’d be a lot happier if i could afford to go out with my friends more often. or if i could like…….eat 3 meals a day without feeling guilty for wasting food because i know i can live on just one meal a day. 

i also started doing a skincare routine that involves like 4 different serums and i’ve been doing really well keeping up with doing it twice a day and if i could carry that energy through the rest of the year that’d be dope. i would make a comment about how i’ve been going to the gym every day and how i’m trying to have a 2020 glo-up but i was going to the gym every day for awhile but i haven’t been in like two weeks. 

also my chemical romance just reunited so i guess my other 2020 goal is to see them on this reunion tour.

[valsedelesruines]

Some Late Night Thots

There’s something strange about culture shock in your home country (haha how pretentious is that). And it’s not just the crisps/chips issue, which makes me feel a bit like a cringy Anglophile rather than whatever living in England for the last four years can be classed as. I desire no sympathy or correction for those tidbits of slang. It’s not nostalgia, or some end of my time in education and the subsequent bittersweet anxiety that tags along. I think I just never expected to come back here for more than three weeks. It makes me think about where my mind is at the moment.

My relationship with life circles back to this same feeling every now and then. Sometimes I like to do something distracting, mostly by physically leaving and traveling somewhere new. Sometimes I like to take very long, arduous walks somewhere quiet with no people, and do something meditative. Not sitting and thinking, more like dancing and screaming into holes in the dirt, carving symbols into tree trunks. If I stay there too long though, I swear I would go mad. Any respite from society requires a return, otherwise you might never want to retrace that golden thread. The issue with being a hermit and retreating from the world is that you can only teach yourself so much on your own. I love life, but like in any relationship, you can’t be 100 percent over-the-moon in love all the time. Sometimes, with routine, with expectations, I can only feel apathetic. No, not apathetic. And it’s not discouragement. The feeling is best described in the Peggy Lee song, Is that all there is? where she describes herself as not ready for that “that final disappointment,” despite feeling a bit underwhelmed up by the highs and the lows of it all. The question really is, Is that all there is?

Ok, so this is my fear then. And it is not the final disappointment. It’s the many disappointments that are set up along the way. And how I would react to those disappointments, for I can only imagine that even with great sadness or great joy I would subconsciously ruin it all by wondering, “Oh, so that’s what that experience or feeling is like.” Maybe it’s a fear of understanding life as it reaches its points and passes by. It’s like how pilgrims feel disappointed when they finally reach their destination, after having travelled long distances with high expectations for what it would be when they got there. When I was younger, I read Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and read “We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.” Since reading that I never worried about if I was feeling happy or sad, because there was nothing to compare it to. How was I supposed to know if this was the greatest happiness I would feel if I had nothing to compare it to? How would I know if this was the deepest sorrow if there could be more sorrowful days ahead of me? That was a great, yet existential, first lesson in subjectivity for me and I will never forget it. I stopped worrying about happiness and sadness back then, which works for me personally as so far i’ve never been predisposed to depression ( I wouldn’t recommend Kundera to those with depression).

When I see the hopefully vast amount of years ahead of me it scares me. I can’t plan out anything in the future, not because I couldn’t achieve it, but because I can’t imagine being so driven by the knowns of life. I can’t imagine living a life, a peaceful and full life, essentially. Chaos is a nice distraction for me. And it makes me happy. But even with my happiness, my mind tends to feel like some troubled seas, perhaps never finding any peace, but rather attempting to lead me to a myriad of locations. I can work with that though. In fact, I have made it work and to be honest I probably bring it upon myself. I don’t really want a purpose in life, or meaning, or some kind of point. I think for me that would be limiting. It’s like what the Rock Man, from the cartoon-film The Point, says to Oblio ,who asks him whether or not he’s in the pointless forest: “You see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear.” I think with some sort of purpose, meaning, identity, whatnot, it makes the individual eliminate experience that can deny, refute, or change that “point”. I suppose that’s personal bias and can’t be avoided, but can you at least try?

I think a lot of young people lie to themselves and are good at it. It’s no one’s fault except that those are convincing lies of convenience to make life simpler. Recently, I’ve done a lot of lying to myself about what kinds of things I want out of life. I read in Spinoza’s Theologico-Political treatise that ”Every man’s true happiness and blessedness consist solely in the enjoyment of what is good, not in the pride that he alone is enjoying it, to the exclusion go others. He who thinks himself the more blessed because he is enjoying benefits which others are not, or because he is more blessed or more fortunate than his fellows, is ignorant to true happiness and blessedness, and the joy which he feels is either childish or envious or malicious. For instance, a man’s true happiness consists only in wisdom, and the knowledge of the truth, not at all in the fact that he is wiser than others, or that others lack such knowledge: such considerations do not increase his wisdom or true happiness.” Pretty basic stuff, I suppose, getting at the basis of happiness. Ideas like, happiness is better attained through helping others rather than individualism or “self-care” and such. But I think the idea is that we can lie to ourselves about happiness, and whether it is true or not. Going back to our metaphoric relationships with life, we can lie to ourselves and to others about whether or not we are 100 percent ok about it all the time, but that’s not going to help anyone and probably would be confusing in the long run. It’s a confusion that leads to loss of true self, and the satisfaction of a true life.

I consider myself a fool, but I don’t view it as self-deprecating in any way. I view it as a universal truth. I think we are all fools by nature and shouldn’t get down about it or overwhelmed. There will always be someone who knows more than you and there will always be someone who knows less than you. Learning from these people, alive and dead, can be used as an opportunity to fill in the gaps while we’re alive. I think there are knowledgeable fools, as best described in The Beatles song, The Fool on the Hill, but for the most part we are all lacking in that expanse of knowledge that exists about our own lives, the lives of others, what is to come, what has been, and what is already happening around us. Sometimes tarot can help, for those who will it to be, but even that is something I’ve moved away from. I no longer care about what happens in the future. It’s too vast, too unknown, too untenable, too stupid, too boring, too exciting, too small, too short, too long, too sad, too loving, too accomplished, and too full of failure for me to want any of the details. A girl in middle school once gave me a handmade bookmark which said, “always read the last page of the book you are reading, in case you die before you reach the end.” I hated that bookmark.

I know a part of my life has ended, and now it’s time to live out the new part. At first I felt overwhelmed, but that was more because I started to fall into the trap of trying to figure things out. I’m not frustrated, or sad, or really apathetic, I suppose. At this point, I am not happy all the time, but simply riding on the waves of my own creation. I am here to fill in the gaps not to understand or plan or care about what will be.

[thecoroutfitters]

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