#I saw more doctors therapists and specialists this month than my mom | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imagineaworlds · 3 years

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I Love You (Part Fifty-Three) -- Aaron Hotchner

Written By: @desperately-bisexual

Request: None.

Warnings: Cursing. Talk of PTSD, hostage situation, shooting, murder, bombing, physical trauma. I’m pretty sure that’s it!

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Greenaway!Reader

Word Count: 7900

Timeline: Season 7 Episodes 24. Right after part fifty-two.

Criminal Minds Discord Server

As the sun began to set, a specialist came back in with my release form for Hotch to fill out while he talked to me about what the next steps for my recovery were. While Hotch worked on the form, we both listened to the endless number of rules I had to follow. They were giving me top notch pain killers to help with the inevitable constant pain I’d feel after the hospital’s morphine would wear off. I had to take two in the morning, two in the afternoon, and two before bed. I wasn’t allowed to take them on an empty stomach, and I wasn’t allowed to have alcohol at all— no cheating. After running us through the medication rules, the doctor handed me a piece of paper he ripped out of his notepad. I read the name, the phone number, and the address on it while he explained that it was the information of the best physical therapist in the state. He told me that if I were ever going to get better, then I needed to see him sooner than later. The longer I waited to seek out the proper help, or the longer I pushed myself without guidance, the higher the chances got of me fucking my back up forever.

“That isn’t to say that you can’t walk around at all,” the doctor backpedaled for a moment. “In fact, you should try walking around every thirty minutes or so. You can go up and down stairs, you can pace around the house, you can go on walks in the park. But no running, jumping, bending, strenuous exercises, bike riding— anything like that. The point is that you can do the bear minimum so that your back can start the healing process. If you ever start to feel the pain again, it means that you need to stop what you’re doing. You need to go lie down, put ice on your back, and relax. The ice will help with the pain and swelling.” The doctor turned to Hotch, “Your job over the next few months, Mr. Hotchner, is to make sure that they’re not pushing themself at all. If you notice that they’re trying to do something that they shouldn’t be doing, you need to stop them. Unfortunately, it’s going to feel like babysitting,” he addressed both of us, “but it’s for the best.”

Hotch’s phone started ringing. He apologized profusely while trying to dig it out of his back pocket. The doctor and I watched as Hotch stood, put the form down on his chair behind him, and hurried out of the room to take the call.

The doctor turned back to me. “Painkillers, rest, ice, walking occasionally. Got it?”

I nodded.

“That was Rossi,” Hotch explained, returning from the hallway. “Will and JJ are getting married at his place tomorrow night, apparently.”

My face brightened. I thought to myself, finally… The two of them had been together forever. I always figured that they would have gotten married before me and Hotch, but they had been holding off for some reason. Despite having Henry and being entirely devoted to one another, it took them forever to finally do it. I mean, the decision probably came with the aftershock of the day they just had, but still. This was great news—news that we needed when everything else seemed so shit.

“I want to go,” I insisted.

Hotch’s attention turned to the doctor. “What do you think?”

The doctor shrugged slightly. “I think it’s fine as long as you keep up with the medication, stay away from the champagne, and don’t attempt to do any splits on the dance floor.”

The three of us chuckled.

----

When we got home, Hotch helped me up the steps to the porch, then hurried to open the door for me. Just as we saw the living room, I caught a glimpse of Jessica and Jack on the couch, watching a movie together. I smiled. Home. I survived all that shit with The Face Cards just to come home, and I had never been more relieved in my life. As we stepped inside, I looked over at Scarlet’s bouncer to see that it was empty. She must have been asleep upstairs already.

“Mom! Dad!” Jack cheered as he pushed himself off the couch and sprinted over to us.

I crouched down as far as I could go and pulled him in for a tight hug, trying to lift him off the ground somewhat so that I could swing him around. I cringed slightly at the pain shooting down my back, but tried to hide it so that none of them could notice. Hotch was watching me like a hawk, though. My change in posture, my wincing face, and the groan that left my throat as I struggled to pick up Jack, all of that was apparent to Hotch. It wasn’t going to be easy trying to convince him that I was alright. Now I understood why he was always so annoyed with me after New York and Foyet.

“Be careful, bud,” Hotch warned. “Mom hurt their back at work today.”

Jack looked at me as I let him sit on my thigh as I stayed crouched. His index finger curled a strand of my hair loosely. “Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.

I nodded. “I’m okay, little man. I promise. How was your day with Aunt Jessica?”

“We went on a bike ride, then we played soccer with Scarlet—”

“Did you win?” I asked.

He nodded. “Of course!”

“Good job, little man.”

“Aunt Jessica took us for ice cream.”

I squinted at her, but she was laughing and hiding behind a pillow in order to avoid my playful glare. I looked back at Jack. “What flavor did you get?”

“Chocolate fudge.”

“Of course you did.” I kissed his cheek and stood up straight as slowly as I could, reaching for Hotch’s help when I felt my back sting again. I whimpered. He stepped closer to me and kissed my temple to comfort me. “Hey, Jack, Henry’s parents are getting married tomorrow. Do you wanna go with us?”

“Do I get to play with Henry?”

“Duh.”

“Yay!” He jumped forward to hug my legs. I was going to take that as a yes, then.

“Did you guys have anything besides ice cream for dinner?” Hotch asked, but it was more directed to Jessica than Jack.

She nodded. “I took them to Olive Garden.”

Hotch ruffled Jack’s hair. “Spoiled kid.” Well, that was what he deserved, considering we got called away for work at the last second on a weekend, as usual. “Why don’t you go upstairs and start getting ready for bed, bud.” Jack released me and immediately started running for the stairs. “Don’t forget to brush your teeth!” He kept running, though, pretending like he didn’t hear his dad. Really spoiled kid. Hotch dug his wallet out and pulled out some money for Jessica. “I’m so sorry again for today—”

“When will the two of you get it?” She laughed while standing up, gathering her things. “It’s okay!” She walked around the couch. “I love spending time with my niece and nephew. It’s not a job. It’s a chance to help them grow up.” She took Hotch’s money, but then quickly stuck it in his back pocket before he could catch her. “No money, no apologies.” She glanced at how I was leaning on Hotch to offset the chronic pain that was fucking killing me. “You okay?”

“Rough day,” I answered.

She threw her arms around me for a gentle hug. “Call me if you need anything else.”

“Thank you, Jess.”

“I’ll see you guys soon.” She parted from me and headed for the door. “No money, Aaron!” She closed the door behind herself.

“That woman’s a saint,” I told Hotch, walking with him through the house. “We don’t deserve her.”

“No, we do not.”

When Hotch and I headed upstairs, he held onto my hand, his other arm wrapped around my waist so that he could keep me steady as we carefully made our way up one step at a time. He was hovering too much. I was completely capable of making it up the freaking stairs myself, yet he wasn’t going anywhere. So, I just gave in. I let him corral me up each step and through the hallway, all the way down to our bedroom where he helped me lay down on the bed. He lifted my feet up slowly.

“Baby,” I whispered, catching his attention. He looked so worried, as if he had done something wrong or hurt me, which he hadn’t. I smirked at him. “I’m okay.”

He huffed and rolled his eyes at me before standing up straight and moving towards the closet to grab a few extra pillows for me. He slid one under my knees, two under my ankles, and he left a third next to me in case I wanted it for something else. When I was drowning in pillows, he hurried back downstairs to make sure that there was ice if I needed it. We were getting an ice machine that just needed cold water to make it run, but that wasn’t going to show up for at least another few days, so he was going to have to run to and from the kitchen every time I was in pain and needed ice on my back.

“Here, baby,” he whispered, helping me adjust so that we could get the icepack under my back. He kissed my temple. “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

He kissed me again, recognizing that I was just being playful. After a moment of standing at my side, Hotch remembered that he had to get my medication around, so he hurried over to the bag on the dresser and started sorting all of the pills. I watched him carefully. I wondered if he was going to actually keep this up for the next few months or if he was going to forget about our deal back at the hospital and just let me back into the field once I was feeling a bit better. Could he really afford to keep an agent benched for months? I mean, we were barely holding on when he was gone in the Middle East and Emily was still… I don’t know… dead? Sure.

“You know, at some point, you’re going to have to realize that I’m not entirely bedridden. I’m going to have to leave the bedroom sooner than later.”

Hotch glanced over his shoulder and glared at me. “I will tie you to the bed, if it’s the only thing that will keep you there.”

“That’s less of a threat than you had intended for it to be,” I teased.

“Ha. Ha,” he said plainly. I chuckled in response. “Take these,” he told me, turning from the dresser to give me my medication. “I’ll get you some water.” He skipped to the bathroom, and I heard the sink run for a bit before he returned and handed me a half-full glass. He sat on the edge of the bed as I popped the pills and chased them down with the water.

“Tada.”

“You’re sure about going to the wedding tomorrow?” he asked, taking the cup back.

I furrowed my brows. “Of course.”

“I’m worried that your back—”

“Aaron, I’m going to be fine.”

“I said that after New York, too.”

“Yeah, but the difference is that I actually believe it.”

He rolled his eyes. “You know it’s my job to worry about you, my love.”

“I know,” I accepted, taking his hand and squeezing it. “I know. But, my love,” I teased back, “I can go to a wedding, and I promise I won’t break. I’ve already agreed to staying out of the field until I’m better, so just let me have this one.”

He huffed at the fact that he wasn’t going to win this argument before getting up to put the glass back in the bathroom, then head to grab our pajamas. He helped me out of my gross, dusty clothes and into his clean, cologne smelling sweatshirt and blue flannel pajama pants. I immediately felt cozy and relaxed. When Hotch tore off his shirt, I could tell that he was considering taking a shower, but he looked so tired, and he seemed desperate to stay at my side.

“It can wait ‘til morning.” He changed into his grey sweatpants then snuck into bed with me. He sighed. “I say we stay here for the rest of our lives.”

I nodded. “I agree.” We reached for each other’s hands, and I tugged to try to kiss his knuckles, but he beat me to it. “Sap.”

“Yup.”

We both stared up at the ceiling. We were silent, both of us just catching our breath, reflecting on the day. I could have lost him again. He could have lost me again. At what point was it going to get too scary and we would finally call it? I wasn’t ready to leave the field yet, and I was sure that he felt the same way, too, but it was something that we had to consider. I mean, we had to retire at some point. Right? We couldn’t do this forever…

----

The following evening was the wedding. Hotch spent the afternoon helping Jack get ready—making sure he actually showered, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and picked out an appropriate outfit. Towards the time when we were about to leave, I caught Hotch kneeling in front of Jack, teaching him how to properly put on a tie. I smirked and continued to spy into the room. I had a bad habit of eavesdropping on them, but who could blame me when those moments weren’t going to last forever? Before we would know it, Jack would be all grown up and heading off for college, and we weren’t going to get any daily memories at all. I had to make them count while I still could.

As for Hotch and I getting ready, I took longer than he did. Considering I was somewhat immobile, I spent most of my time going between getting ready and laying down with an icepack when Hotch wasn’t looking. I was wearing a pant suit, something simple and light. Easy to get on and off. I barely even bothered with makeup because it hurt too much to hold still while trying to get everything perfect, and I just kept my hair out of my face. Nothing too fancy. As for Hotch… I wasn’t sure if he understood that a few years ago, he would have worn a work suit or that brown quarter zip to the wedding, but this time around he was wearing a well fitted all black suit, and all I wanted to do was literally jump him. Every time I saw him walking around wearing just the dress shirt and pants—no jacket yet, I could see his muscles and abs, and I wanted nothing more than to just have him pin me down and fuck me. Fuck. It was weird to think how when I was told to not do something, I suddenly wanted to do it. Specifically, I wanted to do him. I supposed that was just the brat in me, though.

Before we were about to leave, I went to go check on Scarlet in her nursery real quick when I noticed that it was a total mess with all of the toys scattered around. I groaned quietly as I bent over to grab her koala stuffed animal off the floor. It hurt like a total bitch, and there was no good way to go about doing it besides making sure I went slow and easy. As I carefully stood back up, screwing my eyes shut and wincing at the pain on my lower back as I did so, Scarlet cooed in her crib. I tried to smile while holding my back with one hand and her toy in the other. She was staring up at me, waiting for me to pick her up or give her the toy— either way, she would have been content.

“Y/N,” Hotch whispered from the doorway, making me jump in my own skin.

I caught my heart as I turned to glare at him for scaring me. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough.”

“Hotch—” I knew what he was going to say. I knew that he was going to give me a talk about how I needed to be more careful than I was being, but I really didn’t want to hear it, not for the hundredth time, at least. I was sick of people telling me what I could and couldn’t do. I could afford to clean up my kid’s room, alright. That wasn’t going to break my back. “It’s fine.”

He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but both of us fell into silence when we heard: “Mama” come from Scarlet’s crib. I froze in place, thinking about what could have possibly just happened. Maybe I misheard, or maybe Jack was calling for me from downstairs, or maybe he was watching TV and they said it, or—

“Mama,” I heard it again, snapping my attention to the crib. Scarlet was still smiling— almost giggling, actually— and she was dancing around on her feet. “Mama.”

“Aaron…” I mumbled, too scared to move a muscle, thinking that if I did, she’d stop saying anything. Hotch took careful steps towards me, also trying to not startle her. “Did she—”

He nodded. “Yeah,” he whispered back.

“Mama!” She did a “grabby-grab” gesture with her hands, reaching out for the koala toy that I was still holding.

Finally, a year old, she was finally talking, and of course her first word had to be just for me. Morgan wouldn’t believe it. I mean, statistically speaking—at least, according to Spencer—Scarlet was a late bloomer when it came to walking and talking, but she wasn’t entirely behind the curve either. Just yesterday, I had been thinking about how I couldn’t wait until she would start talking. How the fuck did she know?

I did a little dance, too, before handing her the toy. She fell onto her butt and gave the koala a Superman hug. Hotch and I chuckled at the same time. Mama. Yeah, I’d take that. I kind of wished we got it on camera or something, but I think it was better that it was in the moment and that Hotch and I were both there, taken aback by how shocking it was when it came out of the blue. My perfect lil’ bug… I laughed again.

----

“Uh oh, trouble just walked in!” Morgan cheered from the living room as we walked into Rossi’s house, the door having been left open for all of the guests. Emily and Garcia turned to see who he was talking about, and they all smiled when their gaze met me, Hotch, and Jack. “Where’s my goddaughter?” he inquired, walking over to me.

I rolled my eyes as he kissed my cheek and I hugged him. “Jessica’s watching her.” I turned and hugged Emily. “No more almost dying,” I whispered in her ear. “We need you here.”

She smiled shortly as we parted but didn’t say anything. As I hugged Garcia next, Morgan crouched down to talk to Jack. They were talking about the chocolate fountain that was in the dining room, and the next thing I knew, the two of them were running off together to go take a look at it. Garcia and I laughed before she insisted that she should go keep an eye on Morgan.

I turned to Hotch. “I am not responsible for his sugar high this time. You’re on your own, Agent Hotchner.” He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to his side. “I should go find Rossi and thank him for inviting us,” I told him quietly as he kissed my neck.

“No alcohol,” he warned.

“Yes, Sir,” I saluted to make my comment look innocent to Emily, though it was anything but innocent to Hotch. After I pecked his lips with a grinning kiss, I snuck out of Hotch’s arms and headed to the backyard so that he and Emily could talk since he said that she was acting off.

As I was wandering around in search for Rossi, I discovered that he was nowhere to be found. Somehow, our host for the evening had completely vanished. I shook my head. Well, I’d find him later, I supposed, and maybe Hotch would be free then to thank him, too. So, for now, I tapped Anderson’s shoulder, catching his attention, and I asked if he had seen Morgan around since I spotted Jack running around in the backyard with Henry, which meant that Morgan had disappeared somewhere.

Anderson pointed me in the direction of one of the rooms on the first floor that was acting as a coat room for the night. I thanked him with a smile. He waved me goodbye before taking his girlfriend Angelica’s hand and leading her outside to go meet everyone. It was so funny to see him with her because they reminded me so much of how Hotch and I used to be when we first started going out, and we were just so naïve, hands all over each other all the time, smiles constantly plastered to our faces, no problems between us yet. Life used to be so simple. Hopefully Anderson and Angelica wouldn’t get as complicated as Hotch and I were.

When I stepped into the temporary coatroom, I found Morgan hiding in the corner, sitting on a leather footstool, drinking a cup of scotch. He spotted me and forced a smile onto his face. “Hey, sunshine.”

“Hey.”

“How are you doing?”

I sighed heavily, taking a seat beside him. “Well, at least you don’t have to worry about me shooting you or Rossi for getting on my ass about not leaving the bank for the hospital the other day.” He furrowed his brows. “I’m leaning more towards shooting Spencer or Hotch are this point.”

Morgan chuckled. “That bad, huh?”

“You have no freakin’ idea. And I can’t even drink it all away because of the painkillers. So. Yay me.” I rolled my eyes.

Morgan didn’t respond, though, which was concerning. I half expected him to back up Hotch and Spencer, or maybe say something snarky about he was glad to be rid of me for a few months until the doctors could clear me again. But nothing. Even his smile faded into the unnatural silence between us.

My eyes pouted as I put a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

He shrugged my touch away, which also wasn’t like him. “Nothing.”

Oh, yeah. Sure. Nothing. Recently, Morgan had a terrible habit of pushing everyone away because he thought that it would somehow protect us, but all it was doing was hurting everyone involved. He knew that he could tell me anything and I would always understand. He knew that I would always stand by his side and back him up, no matter what. So why was he so afraid to open up to me recently? Had I done something to break his trust in me? Was I somehow involved in this secret he was keeping? I just wanted him to give me some kind of answer so that I could stop worrying about him for once.

He sighed when he saw my mind churning. “I can’t tell you what’s going on because it’s not my secret to share. Is that okay?”

I nodded. “If that’s the case, then I won’t pry. But… I’m always here to talk, Derek. Always.” I tried to lighten the mood by joking, “Especially since I can’t go anywhere anymore.”

He chuckled. “Touché.”

Silence settled for a bit as both of our chuckles faded. Now, we were just staring at the wall together. There had to be something more for us to say, something that would lift his spirits. Oh—

“Scar said her first word today,” I admitted, biting back a smile because I knew that it would cheer Morgan up to hear the good news.

Morgan looked up at me, shock mixed with excitement washing over his face. “You’re kidding.”

I shook my head. “Nope.”

“Who won?”

“I did,” I smiled. He groaned, rolled his eyes, and dug into his back pocket for his wallet. I grinned as he gave me a ten dollar bill reluctantly. “Sucker.”

“So, this is where you’ve been hiding,” someone said from the door. Morgan and I both glanced up guiltily, as if we were two teenagers who got caught smoking pot at prom or something. It was just Hotch, though. Actually, no, that was too nonchalant for referencing him. It was Hotch, yeah, but he did, in fact, look like a stern and disappointed principle who had caught up smoking pot at prom. “I’ve been looking around for you.” He looked directly at Morgan to ask, “Have they been drinking?”

“Nope. They’ve been doing a lot of complaining about not drinking, though.”

Morgan poked my side, laughing at me in a teasing way, skipping towards the door, barely dodging around Hotch in time. He sent me a thumbs up for good luck. I groaned and hit my head against the wall behind me, looking at my husband out the corner of my eye as he took Morgan’s spot beside me.

“If it weren’t for your back, I’d have you over my knee right now for breaking the rules,” Hotch whispered in my ear.

I gulped. The idea sounded so appealing. I wanted nothing more than for life to just get back to how it was. I didn’t want Hotch to be scared to touch me, or to kiss me, hold me, fuck me. The next few months were going to be excruciatingly long without being able to have all of him. I was so fucking pissed.

“Mmm… and what if I were to be good for you right now…” I tried playing with him, sneaking my hand onto his thigh, making an attempt to work my way upwards towards his crotch, but he snatched my hand away. “Please, Sir. Something.”

“You behave, take all of your meds, work on getting better, then I’ll consider it—But only after the doctors say we can.”

“Come on, baby,” I pleaded with a pout. “We don’t need doctors to tell us how to be us…” I tried putting my hand on his thigh again, but he kept me away. “Aaron, I’m not going to break.” I instead moved my hand to his cheek. “I love you, I trust you, and I know that you would never hurt me, and I know my own limits when it comes to—”

“Y/N, stop, please,” he whispered. “Please. I love you, Y/N, and I want to do… I want to be us again, more than ever, but I just want to be 100% sure before we do anything. It’s only been a day. A day, baby girl… You heal fast, I know you do, but not that fast. One wrong move, and you might not ever go back into the field. Sex is nice and all, but it’s not worth it if that’s the price you have to pay.”

I chuckled lightly. “Okay. Fair enough.”

“Hey, you two love birds,” Rossi interrupted, sticking his head into the room, “everyone’s waiting on you two.”

We hurried to follow Rossi out to the backyard where everyone was gathered in front of the priest, Henry, and Will. I slowed when I noticed that it was standing room only. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to stand through the whole thing without literally wanting to tear my own spine out and throw it across the fucking yard. I looked at Hotch, tugging him back towards me. He searched my eyes with worry, and when it finally dawned on him, the worry intensified, and he neared me to hold me close.

He kissed the top of my head. “I’ll hold onto you. If it gets bad, we’ll quietly excuse ourselves.”

“It’ll be rude,” I whispered.

“Everyone will understand. Come on.”

He continued to lead me to the group, a few of them shuffling around so that they could make room for us. Hotch was standing behind me, his arms under mine, hands on my hips, swaying them barely, almost as if it were some kind of hypnotizing therapy on its own, and he was kissing my neck gently, not passionately enough to leave a hickey, but enough to tell me that he loved me a million times over.

As JJ and Will kissed, Hotch pulled me closer and whispered, “You remember our first kiss as husband and wife?”

I nodded, smiling through the happy tears that drifted down my cheeks. I was just so happy and relived that we were all safe, and that we were a family again. Even though things didn’t go to plan yesterday, at least Will was there, and JJ would never have to know what it would be like to raise Henry without him. Even though I hurt myself, I at least had Hotch and he had me, and we would never have to know what it would be like to live without each other.

Everyone started clapping, which pulled me out of my trance. Hotch let go of me so that he could clap, too, and I turned to look up at him and kiss him as we both smiled and wiped each other’s tears away. He smiled against me, leaning into our kiss. He didn’t recognize what he was doing. He had been so careful with me since the bombing yesterday, and yet, for a moment, he forgot about everything and just kissed me the same way he kissed me the day we got married. And I kissed him back. I didn’t stop until the clapping stopped and he realized what he had done, quickly pulling away from me so that he could make sure that I hadn’t shattered to a million pieces. I hadn’t shattered, but I had certainly melted.

During dinner, I sat between Hotch and Morgan, just across from Spencer and Garcia. We were all eating—the rest of them drinking while I watched—and talking the night away, not even pondering for a second that yesterday we nearly died on multiple occasions. It was like all of the bad had been washed away. There wasn’t a single bad thought at the table, and there wasn’t a single frown on anyone’s face. Was that normal? I mean, our lives had never been normal, so I was pretty sure I forgot what “normal” was, but that kind of felt familiar, like that was how we would be if our jobs weren’t so time and emotionally consuming.

Garcia asked how I was, and I lied, telling everyone that I felt okay, that they were just overreacting yesterday. Spencer, just as he had at the hospital, actually told everyone the truth. I glared at him again. He didn’t recognize what he had done, however, and continued on to insist that he could help Hotch keep an eye on me since he could recognize the silence signs that I was trying to mask my pain in order to not worry everyone. I silently cursed him for being so damn smart. And oblivious. But the last part wasn’t necessarily his fault, especially with all the theories that had been circulating around the office since I first joined.

After we finished eating, Hotch held his hand out and asked if I wanted to dance. I stared at him for a moment. Was he really going to let me move? I mean, I wasn’t going to second guess him vocally, of course, but I couldn’t believe that he was asking. I jumped at the chance, though. I accepted his hand, letting him pull me to my feet. The two of us laughed excitedly as we carefully hurried to the dance floor and he turned me around so that I was facing him and we could start slow dancing.

Hotch was so gentle with me. We were hardly swaying, taking slow, gentle, and small steps in circles. His arm was barely even touching my waist. I rested my cheek against his chest and inhaled his scent. I loved him beyond words. Despite our ups and downs, despite his lies and my hurt feelings over and over again, I couldn’t shake that I loved him. I couldn’t help that all of that bad times just couldn’t compare to all of the good times, which made everything worth it at the end of the day.

“What are we going to do?” Hotch asked, sincerely baffled. I didn’t say anything. “This isn’t like when I left… You could move then, take care of the kids, and Morgan was always around… But now you’re actually hurt, and I’m going to be gone all the time. What… What do we do?”

“Nothing really changes, baby. I can take Jack to school; I can look after Scarlet. And, you know, Jessica will always be around to help, too, if I need. We’ll be fine.”

“You could barely pick up Jack yesterday.”

“In my defense, he’s getting too big to keep picking up.”

“Y/N, come on. I’m serious. You can’t put any stress on your back. That includes picking Jack up, and cleaning up the house, doing laundry, doing dishes— anything. You need to be really careful.”

“I’m fine, Aaron.”

“You couldn’t even bend down to grab Scarlet’s toy from the floor.”

I furrowed my brows at him when I noticed the way his hold on me loosened even more after recalling the memory of me in the nursery only a few hours ago. He wasn’t upset about that. I mean— he was. Obviously, he was. But there was something else stirring in the mind of Aaron Hotchner, and it had to do with his own guilt. That was the only explanation I could account for.

I brushed my hand over his hair. “Baby,” I cooed, waiting until he looked at me, “I’m going to be okay.” I scratched his scalp gently. He slowly melted against my touch, nuzzling into the way it relaxed him whenever I played with his hair. “It’s not your fault. I need you to hear that.”

He froze. “I—”

“Aaron, please, listen to me. It’s not your fault. I yelled at you, and I told you that I wanted to make the choices with SWAT, and you gave in. I made the call to send everyone into the bank, and I was the one who neglected to think that there could be a bomb inside. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine.”

“I wouldn’t have sanctioned an approach if JJ hadn’t compared you to Will.”

My face softened at the realization. I had only thought that he blamed himself, but I didn’t know it for sure, and I hadn’t realized that this was buried so deep. This was far worse than I could have anticipated. “That’s why you’ve been all protective like this.”

I mean, he usually got protective when something changed drastically in our lives. Haley and Scarlet were prime examples. But this was… different. Instead of ordering me to do things that would force me to protect myself, Hotch was coddling me and attending to my every wish. He was trying to make up for what he did. He was trying to apologize to me for something that he had no right blaming himself for; and he was trying to relieve the guilt he felt by catering to me constantly.

Hotch pressed his forehead against mine. “You could have died, Y/N. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was wrong to make a move like that again so soon, and I should have said something—but when JJ put it into perspective for me by asking what I would have done if it were you in that bank… I knew I had to help her. I had to help Will. And I forgot that it’s my job to protect you—to protect our team. I let my emotions get in the way. I shouldn’t have done that. It goes against everything we believe in at the BAU, and it nearly got you killed.”

“It was my choice, Aaron.” I brought my hand to his face and ran my thumb over his mole on his cheek. “Please, hear that. I made the call to move in with SWAT. It was my decision to push the front doors with you, and it was my decision to stay on site instead of going to the hospital afterwards. You can’t blame yourself.”

“But I do.”

“I know.” I felt a tear hit my thumb, making me pout. “It was an accident, baby.”

“Yeah, but it was an accident that could have killed you.”

I leaned in to kiss him because there was this overwhelming urge in the pit of my stomach to somehow comfort him, yet there weren’t enough words to tell him what I meant, and there wasn’t enough time in the world to hug him for as long as I wanted to—and even if the time existed, my strength to give him a Superman hug was too limited. But I could kiss him. I could press my lips to his until we couldn’t breathe, until he would grab my face and hold me there with him, leaning into me until I wrapped my arms around his neck to hold him there with me. So, I kissed him. I kissed him as hard as I could. We exhaled through our noses, turning our faces to kiss from a different angle while catching our breath. But he didn’t hold me as close as I wanted him to. In fact, he pushed me away somewhat, and I could tell that it was because he was terrified that if he tilted over me at all, it would hurt my back.

My shoulders fell. “Aaron Christopher Hotchner, you are not stupid. You did not make the wrong call. Stop thinking that way before I smack you.”

He chuckled. “I’m trying.”

“Try harder.” I kissed him again, finally feeling his arms snake around the small of my back, giving me the chance to fling my arms around his neck, just like I wanted. I smiled against him.

Someone beside us cleared their throat. We parted to see Morgan standing there, gesturing to ask if he could dance with me. What a way to be a cockblock, am I right? Not that Hotch would have actually fucked me, even if I were on my knees and begging. He made it entirely clear that he wasn’t ready to have sex with me yet, knowing just how bad my back actually was, and he probably wasn’t going to give in for a very long time. I was going to be miserable. Miserable and horny. What was the point of being married to the love of my life if I couldn’t fuck him every chance I had? And then motherfucking Derek Morgan had to come along and ruin the slight chance I had by asking to dance with me. Oh, boy, he was really lucky I loved him.

Hotch was polite about it, though. We smiled, patted Morgan’s shoulder, then stepped away to go dance with Emily since she looked all lonely on her own on the side. Morgan took one of my hands in his, then wrapped his other arm around my waist while I put my free hand on his shoulder. I was staring at him, trying to gauge if he was any better since earlier. He wasn’t.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he insisted before I could say anything. “But thank you for being in my corner, sunshine.” I smiled. “And for always being so damn stubborn, too.”

I laughed. “Only for you.”

“That’s a blatant lie.”

I laughed again. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Can I sneak in a dance?” Emily asked, sneaking up behind me. Morgan and I turned to face her. I saw that she was forcing a smile, and behind that illusion of happiness was a desperation to dance with Morgan, so I nodded and stepped away. “Actually—” Emily started before I could walk away. “I was hoping to dance with you,” she told me. She reached out and grabbed my hand before I could get too far.

I smiled and took her hand. “Okay.”

Morgan didn’t walk away, so we both glared at him slightly as Emily took the lead. She put her right hand on my waist, her left hand clasped tightly with my right hand, and my left hand was on her shoulder. We still glared at Morgan.

“What? Can’t I watch?” he questioned through a chuckle.

I shooed him away until he gave up and went to grab Garcia from her seat. When I looked back at Emily, she was smiling for real this time, which eased my nerves. Despite how happy everyone seemed, there was something off with her. I could tell that she was the secret Morgan was keeping. I wasn’t sure how I knew, but some part of me just put the pieces together, and I supposed I should have attributed it to being a profiler, but I didn’t want to be that stuck up. I just knew. Something told me that she wasn’t entirely okay, and my heart sank.

As Emily looked away from me, almost like she felt too guilty to keep eye contact, I started putting the pieces together. Morgan was as upset that night as he was when he found out Emily “died”. Hotch stayed back to talk to her when we arrived. I didn’t like where this was leading me.

So, I just asked. “You’re leaving again… Aren’t you?”

Emily snapped her attention back to me, her smile falling from her face quickly. But she didn’t deny it. In fact, she didn’t even question it. The look on her face wasn’t confusion over what I was talking about, instead it was about how I knew. So, it was true. I had this feeling boiling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong with her, and for some reason her leaving the team was the only thing that made sense to me. I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because if I were in her shoes, I would have felt the same way. I couldn’t imagine going through everything she went through; from finding out that Ian Doyle was back, to the fact that he was coming after us in order to make her life hell, in order to being tortured and stabbed by him, then… dying on the way to the hospital. After all of that, she still had the strength to come back when it was safe. But it wasn’t the same. She wasn’t the same. Since coming back, something had been off about her, and I really hadn’t put the pieces together until she went out of her way to come up and ask to dance with me. She knew she was leaving, and she wanted to cherish the moments she had left with us.

“I don’t want to talk about it—” she began.

“Don’t leave. Please.” I didn’t know how I could be more clear and sincere. “Please.”

Her eyes softened. “I’m sorry.” We were silent for a moment. “How did you know?”

“Morgan was being all weird and keeping secrets from me, which was how I knew it had to do with the team. Since Hotch isn’t acting weird, I know he’s not keeping anything from me. The next option was you… and when you asked to dance… I just… I somehow knew.” I shrugged. “Profiling or whatever.”

She laughed. “Yeah. Sure.”

“We need you here. I need you here. Scarlet—”

“I’ll still be around, Y/N, I promise. I just need to do something else. The BAU isn’t what it used to be for me. I think I burned too many bridges when I was away.”

“What are you going to do instead?”

I felt a sob bubbling in my chest, even though I was trying my very hardest to suppress it. I didn’t want to be sad at a wedding. I didn’t want to even think that I would be sad in the future, missing one of my best friends, wondering if she was okay wherever she was, doing whatever it was, doing whoever it was. There was a time when Emily and I… We just clicked. I mean, at first, I was indifferent because she came shortly after Elle left to go travel and do something new with her life that she loved; but once I warmed up to her, we had a flow at work. Morgan and I were together in the field for almost every case, but there were instances when Emily would tag along, and it made sense. The one thing I could vividly remember about her before she left was the time we were working that swinger case and we were in the car together… With anyone else, I think it would have been awkward. But with Emily, I didn’t blink twice. Being stuck in that car with her—though I didn’t recognize it at the time—was actually funny, and I enjoyed little moments like that. If she actually left, I wouldn’t have those anymore. Hell, since she got back in the first place, there was hardly a chance to have little moments like that, and it broke my heart, but I thought that we were going to have a long time to make up for it.

Emily caught a tear running down my cheek with her thumb. Shit, I swore I wouldn’t actually cry. She searched my eyes for a moment, debating on whether or not her next words would force an actual sob out of me; but I was pleading with her for answers. “Clyde Easter called… He wants me to run the London Interpol office.”

I let out a shaky breath. “You’re taking it?”

“Yeah.”

“And it’ll make you happy?”

“I hope so.”

I sighed quietly and nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?” she questioned.

“Yeah. Okay. If it makes you happy, then I can’t tell you not to jump at the opportunity, Em. Once upon a time, you told me that no one else’s opinion matters unless it’s optimistic and helpful. I want my opinion to matter to you. I want you to know that I will always be in your corner, and I will support whatever endeavor it is you choose to seek out because I want the best for you. Because I love you.”

She finally smiled again, almost like she was relieved to hear that from me. “Thank you, Y/N. Truly.” She stopped dancing with me so that she could hug me tightly. “I love you, too.”

And that was how we said goodbye because seeing her off at the airport a few weeks later was just too painful.

-----

criminal minds family: @gorgeousdarkangel @peggy1999 @alex--awesome--22 @oceaneblu @brithedemonspawn @absolutemarveltrash @bshelley322 @rousethemouse @sunshinepower17 @weexinling @pettttyyyc @Braty-angel

#Criminal Minds #criminal minds fanfic #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #aaron hotchner #Aaron Hotch Hotchner #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner imagine

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neednothavehappenedtobetrue · 3 years

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here are some scripts, ranked in order of how difficult the scripty thing will be to do.

easy mode: "hey Boss, I am, as you know, having a bit of a medical situation, it is not an emergency, but I will be taking X day off to do some routine maintenance"

do not overexplain! do not tell him anything additional! it would be fine if you did, but also, don't!

medium mode (I am terrified of haircuts and therefore hair stylists, sorry about the person I am) "hi! you will notice that my hair is quite dirty. this is because I have been having trouble washing it often because of a medical concern I have that I am getting fixed. I am sorry about this! no, I do not know exactly how long it has been since I washed it, but because of the medical stuff my memory is quite bad, you are probably best equipped to make a guess, as a hair expert person. the medical thing is not COVID-related or otherwise contagious, and I am getting it addressed ASAP. please do not make jokes about this, I am very self-conscious about it.

what's the medical problem? "they're adjusting a medication I take that can sometimes cause fatigue, and forgetfulness and generally make it hard to do stuff" be pleasantly vague! if they ask you really persistently, just say "depression" but probably they will not.

if at all possible, do not tell them that your last hairstylist made a joke about you inadequately washing your hair and you hated it. they do not require this information. practice not oversharing QUITE so much.

hard mode: doctor! (this part gets Really Explicit with the details of my ED, so it is under a cut, only read it if knowing how many meals/calories I eat a week will not trigger you, please do not trigger yourself, I'm sorry but I think if I do not put this here I will not say it, so it needs to go here)

-"hi doctor P, so I made this appointment to talk about a concern I have been having for some time, but now I have two concerns. my initial concern is that I have been experiencing some nausea, particularly bad in the mornings. I am definitely for sure not pregnant. I have been taking phenergan as needed, but not every day. I have only thrown up twice in six weeks, so it is not terrible, but it is also not great. I don't want to take too much phenergan because the hospital doctors told me it could cause heart problems and also I could get too used to it and have it stop working, how worried should I be about those things? sometimes in the morning, I do not feel nausea in my stomach, but I do start gagging or dry-heaving randomly. I have never thrown up from this but it is weird and also means I need to take Zoom calls with my camera off. do you have any ideas or suggestions?

also, a problem that might actually be a bigger problem is that I have recently-ish come to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder. I have had it off and on probably since I was in my teens. it is not necessarily textbook, in that I am rarely or never preoccupied with my weight and rarely, although not never, restricting deliberately. it initially started when I got the idea that if I lost a lot of weight very quickly, my parents, who were refusing to let me do therapy or psych meds again, would consider it. I never got to a dangerous weight level and I do not remember how long or how much I restricted, but a problem that came from that is that ever since when I am particularly struggling with a mental health issue, like bipolar or depression, I tend to stop eating. part of this problem is that I am very forgetful and literally forget to eat, especially in the absence of real hunger cues. part of the problem is that it is hard to do multi-step tasks when I am depressed, and eating food requires me to stop whatever I am doing, get up, go to the kitchen, figure out what I want to eat, prepare it in some way, and then actually physically eat it. lately, I have been drinking a lot of delivery smoothies because they are easy and digestible, and sandwiches as well. the problem has been particularly bad this past month or so, in a way that I suspect is not entirely explained by those two factors. I am working with my therapist and psychiatrist to fix it. I know that ED can trigger or worsen gastroparesis and I know I should have told you earlier, but I haven't been able to be honest with myself about the severity of the problem.

-this past month, I have been averaging between six and ten meals a week, with some snacks as well. on a good day, I probably hit 1200 calories, on a bad day I don't know, but less than that for sure. on my worst day last week, I ate the meat and cheese inside of half a sandwich and drank some juice, but nothing else. on my best day I drank one and a half smoothies and ate part of a sandwich, which I recognize is still pretty bad.

I am working with my psychiatrist and psychologist on this issue. I have started to take Adderall again, but this is only the second day of me taking it, so meds-related appetite lost is not the issue here.

I cannot get ED professional mental health treatment because, since I am in grad school, my parents pay for all of my medical care and they fundamentally do not believe I have an eating disorder. this is because my mom, who probably has her own ED, thinks 1200 calories is enough for a human per day and also because I am overweight. I saw a nutritionist for three months pre-pandemic and we worked on getting me to eat three meals and two snacks a day, but my parents stopped paying for her because I was not losing weight. I have told them exactly and in detail how little I am eating and they still do not believe I should be eating more, so they refuse to pay for ED-related medical care for me. this is part of a pattern for them, I am working on it in therapy and part of working on it will be figuring out how to pay for my own medical care, but right now I am doing my very best.

I do not know how much I currently weigh or how much weight I might have lost. I do not keep a scale in my apartment, because I am certain I would get obsessive with it. my friends say I look like I have been losing some weight, but it is hard to tell how much.

I know ED is bad for gastroparesis and I am sorry, but I am doing my very best and still struggling.

what I need from you is suggestions on safe ways to get more calories and any other suggestions you have for successfully eating. I am happy to put you in touch with my psychiatrist if you feel that would be useful. my therapist is, just for this week, on vacation. I will see her next week and could connect you then as well.

I cannot see any ED-specific specialists, because my parents categorically will not pay for them. I cannot see a nutritionist or a dietician, same reason. I could potentially see a new gastroenterologist who deals with this stuff in more depth, but my parents will probably Google her, which might pose a problem, and also they have a specific gastroenterologist they want me to see, so they might just... refuse anyway to let me choose my own gastroenterologist. they are like that. however, if you know a GI doctor who knows a lot about both gastroparesis and ED and whose website is not too significantly ED-focused, that might be helpful, or it might not work.

I know this is bad, and I know I need to fix my life so they are not paying for my medical care, I am working on it, I promise. do you have any suggestions?

great! that is a script! also, if she is garbage about this, you can GET A NEW DOCTOR literally at any time, if it sucks, hit the bricks.

#ed for ts #disordered eating for ts #alex's parents #medical neglect for ts #I do not usually tag posts about my personal parents with words like neglect #that is what the tag alex's parents is for #blacklist that if you need #but this one is uh pretty bad #pretty neglectful #so! here we go

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stevishabitat · 3 years

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The summer wasn’t meant to be like this. By April, Greene County, in southwestern Missouri, seemed to be past the worst of the pandemic. Intensive-care units that once overflowed had emptied. Vaccinations were rising. Health-care workers who had been fighting the coronavirus for months felt relieved—perhaps even hopeful. Then, in late May, cases started ticking up again. By July, the surge was so pronounced that “it took the wind out of everyone,” Erik Frederick, the chief administrative officer of Mercy Hospital Springfield, told me. “How did we end up back here again?”

The hospital is now busier than at any previous point during the pandemic. In just five weeks, it took in as many COVID-19 patients as it did over five months last year. Ten minutes away, another big hospital, Cox Medical Center South, has been inundated just as quickly. “We only get beds available when someone dies, which happens several times a day,” Terrence Coulter, the critical-care medical director at CoxHealth, told me.

Last week, Katie Towns, the acting director of the Springfield–Greene County Health Department, was concerned that the county’s daily cases were topping 250. On Wednesday, the daily count hit 405. This dramatic surge is the work of the super-contagious Delta variant, which now accounts for 95 percent of Greene County’s new cases, according to Towns. It is spreading easily because people have ditched their masks, crowded into indoor spaces, resumed travel, and resisted vaccinations. Just 40 percent of people in Greene County are fully vaccinated. In some nearby counties, less than 20 percent of people are.

Many experts have argued that, even with Delta, the United States is unlikely to revisit the horrors of last winter. Even now, the country’s hospitalizations are one-seventh as high as they were in mid-January. But national optimism glosses over local reality. For many communities, this year will be worse than last. Springfield’s health-care workers and public-health specialists are experiencing the same ordeals they thought they had left behind. “But it feels worse this time because we’ve seen it before,” Amelia Montgomery, a nurse at CoxHealth, told me. “Walking back into the COVID ICU was demoralizing.”

Those ICUs are also filling with younger patients, in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, including many with no underlying health problems. In part, that’s because elderly people have been more likely to get vaccinated, leaving Delta with a younger pool of vulnerable hosts. While experts are still uncertain if Delta is deadlier than the original coronavirus, every physician and nurse in Missouri whom I spoke with told me that the 30- and 40-something COVID-19 patients they’re now seeing are much sicker than those they saw last year. “That age group did get COVID before, but they didn’t usually end up in the ICU like they are now,” Jonathan Brown, a respiratory therapist at Mercy, told me. Nurses are watching families navigate end-of-life decisions for young people who have no advance directives or other legal documents in place.

Almost every COVID-19 patient in Springfield’s hospitals is unvaccinated, and the dozen or so exceptions are all either elderly or immunocompromised people. The vaccines are working as intended, but the number of people who have refused to get their shots is crushing morale. Vaccines were meant to be the end of the pandemic. If people don’t get them, the actual end will look more like Springfield’s present: a succession of COVID-19 waves that will break unevenly across the country until everyone has either been vaccinated or infected. “You hear post-pandemic a lot,” Frederick said. “We’re clearly not post-pandemic. New York threw a ticker-tape parade for its health-care heroes, and ours are knee-deep in COVID.”

That they are in this position despite the wide availability of vaccines turns difficult days into unbearable ones. As bad as the winter surge was, Springfield’s health-care workers shared a common purpose of serving their community, Steve Edwards, the president and CEO of CoxHealth, told me. But now they’re “putting themselves in harm’s way for people who’ve chosen not to protect themselves,” he said. While there were always ways of preventing COVID-19 infections, Missourians could have almost entirely prevented this surge through vaccination—but didn’t. “My sense of hope is dwindling,” Tracy Hill, a nurse at Mercy, told me. “I’m losing a little bit of faith in mankind. But you can’t just not go to work.”

When Springfield’s hospitals saw the first pandemic wave hitting the coasts, they could steel themselves. This time, with Delta thrashing Missouri fast and first, they haven’t had time to summon sufficient reinforcements. Between them, Mercy and Cox South have recruited about 300 traveling nurses, respiratory therapists, and other specialists, which is still less than they need. The hospitals’ health-care workers have adequate PPE and most are vaccinated. But in the ICUs and in COVID-19 wards, respiratory therapists still must constantly adjust ventilators, entire teams must regularly flip patients onto their belly and back again, and nurses spend long shifts drenched in sweat as they repeatedly don and doff protective gear. In previous phases of the pandemic, both hospitals took in patients from other counties and states. “Now we’re blasting outward,” Coulter said. “We’re already saturating the surrounding hospitals.”

Meanwhile, the hospitals’ own staff members are exhausted beyond telling. After the winter surge, they spent months catching up on record numbers of postponed surgeries and other procedures. Now they’re facing their sharpest COVID-19 surge yet on top of those backlogged patients, many of whom are sicker than usual because their health care had to be deferred. Even with hundreds of new patients with lung cancer, asthma, and other respiratory diseases waiting for care in outpatient settings, Coulter still has to cancel his clinics because “I have to be in the hospital all the time,” he said.

Many health-care workers have had enough. Some who took on extra shifts during past surges can’t bring themselves to do so again. Some have moved to less stressful positions that don’t involve treating COVID-19. Others are holding the line, but only just. “You can’t pour from an empty cup, but with every shift it feels like my co-workers and I are empty,” Montgomery said. “We are still trying to fill each other up and keep going.”

The grueling slog is harder now because it feels so needless, and because many patients don’t realize their mistake until it’s too late. On Tuesday, Hill spoke with an elderly man who had just been admitted and was very sick. “He said, ‘I’m embarrassed that I’m here,’” she told me. “He wanted to talk about the vaccine, and in the back of my mind I’m thinking, You have a very high likelihood of not leaving the hospital.” Other patients remain defiant. “We had someone spit in a nurse’s eye because she told him he had COVID and he didn’t believe her,” Edwards said.

Some health-care workers are starting to resent their patients—an emotion that feels taboo. “You’re just angry,” Coulter said, “and you feel guilty for getting angry, because they’re sick and dying.” Others are indignant on behalf of loved ones who don’t already have access to the vaccines. “I’m a mom of a 1-year-old and a 4-year-old, and the daughter of family members in Zimbabwe and South Africa who can’t get vaccinated yet,” says Matifadza Hlatshwayo Davis, who works at a Veterans Affairs hospital in St. Louis. “I’m frustrated, angry, and sad.”

“I don’t think people get that once you become sick enough to be hospitalized with COVID, the medications and treatments that we have are, quite frankly, not very good,” says Howard Jarvis, the medical director of Cox South’s emergency department. Drugs such as dexamethasone offer only incremental benefits. Monoclonal antibodies are effective only during the disease’s earliest stages. Doctors can give every recommended medication, and patients still have a high chance of dying. The goal should be to stop people from getting sick in the first place.

But Missouri Governor Mike Parson never issued a statewide mask mandate, and the state’s biggest cities—Kansas City, St. Louis, Springfield, and Columbia—ended their local orders in May, after the CDC said that vaccinated people no longer needed to wear masks indoors. In June, Parson signed a law that limits local governments’ ability to enact public-health restrictions. And even before the pandemic, Missouri ranked 41st out of all the states in terms of public-health funding. “We started in a hole and we’re trying to catch up,” Towns, the director of the Springfield–Greene County Health Department, told me.

Her team flattened last year’s curve through testing, contact tracing, and quarantining, but “Delta has just decimated our ability to respond,” Kendra Findley, the department’s administrator for community health and epidemiology, told me. The variant is spreading too quickly for the department to keep up with every new case, and more people are refusing to cooperate with contact tracers than at this time last year. The CDC has sent a “surge team” to help, but it’s just two people: an epidemiologist, who is helping analyze data on Delta’s spread, and a communications person. And like Springfield’s hospitals, the health department was already overwhelmed with work that had been put off for a year. “Suddenly, I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day,” Findley said.

Early last year, Findley stuck a note on her whiteboard with the number of people who died in the 1918 flu pandemic: 50 million worldwide and 675,000 in the U.S. “It was for perspective: We will not get here. You can manage this,” she told me. “I looked at it the other day and I think we’re going to get there. And I feel like a large segment of the population doesn’t care.”

The 1918 flu pandemic took Missouri by surprise too, says Carolyn Orbann, an anthropologist at the University of Missouri who studies that disaster. While much of the world felt the brunt of the pandemic in October 1918, Missouri had irregular waves with a bigger peak in February 1920. So when COVID-19 hit, Orbann predicted that the state might have a similarly drawn-out experience. Missouri has a widely dispersed population, divided starkly between urban and rural places, and few highways—a recipe for distinct and geographically disparate microcultures. That perhaps explains why new pathogens move erratically through the state, creating unpredictable surges and, in some pockets, a false sense of security. Last year, “many communities may have gone through their lockdown period without registering a single case and wondered, What did we do that for?” Orbann told me.

She also suspects that Missourians in 1918 might have had a “better overhead view of the course of the pandemic in their communities than the average citizen has now.” Back then, the state’s local papers published lists of people who were sick, so even those who didn’t know anyone with the flu could see that folks around them were dying. “It made the pandemic seem more local,” Orbann said. “Now, with fewer hometown newspapers and restrictions on sharing patient information, that kind of knowledge is restricted to people working in health care.”

Montgomery, the CoxHealth nurse, feels that disparity whenever she leaves the hospital. “I work in the ICU, where it’s like a war zone, and I go out in public and everything’s normal,” she said. “You see death and suffering, and then you walk into the grocery store and get resistance. It feels like we’re being ostracized by our community.”

If anything, people in the state have become more entrenched in their beliefs and disbeliefs than they were last year, Davis, the St. Louis–based doctor, told me. They might believe that COVID-19 has been overblown, that young people won’t be harmed, or that the vaccines were developed too quickly to be safe. But above all else, “what I predominantly get is, ‘I don’t want to talk to you about that; let’s move on,’” Davis said.

People take the pandemic seriously when they can see it around them. During past surges in other parts of the U.S., curves flattened once people saw their loved ones falling ill, or once their community became the unwanted focus of national media coverage. The same feedback loop might be starting to occur in Missouri. The major Route 66 Festival has been canceled. More people are making vaccine appointments at both Cox South and Mercy.

In Springfield, the public-health professionals I talked with felt that they had made successful efforts to address barriers to vaccine access, and that vaccine hesitancy was the driving force of low vaccination rates. Improving those rates is now a matter of engendering trust as quickly as possible. Springfield’s firefighters are highly trusted, so the city set up vaccine clinics in local fire stations. Community-health advocates are going door-to-door to talk with their neighbors about vaccines. The Springfield News-Leader is set to publish a full page of photos of well-known Springfieldians who are advocating for vaccination. Several local pastors have agreed to preach about vaccines from their pulpits and set up vaccination events in their churches. One such event, held at James River Church on Monday, vaccinated 156 people. “Once we got down to the group of hesitant people, we’d be happy if we had 20 people show up to a clinic,” says Cora Scott, Springfield’s director of public information and civic engagement. “To have 156 people show up in one church in one day is phenomenal.”

But building trust is slow, and Delta is moving fast. Even if the still-unvaccinated 55 percent of Missourians all got their first shots tomorrow, it would still take a month to administer the second ones, and two weeks more for full immunity to develop. As current trends show, Delta can do a lot in six weeks. Still, “if we can get our vaccination levels to where some of the East Coast states have got to, I’ll feel a lot better going into the fall,” Frederick, Mercy’s chief administrative officer, said. “If we plateau again, my fear is that we will see the twindemic of flu and COVID.”

In the meantime, southwest Missouri is now a cautionary tale of what Delta can do to a largely unvaccinated community that has lowered its guard. None of Missouri’s 114 counties has vaccinated more than 50 percent of its population, and 75 haven’t yet managed more than 30 percent. Many such communities exist around the U.S. “There’s very few secrets about this disease, because the answer is always somewhere else,” Edwards said. “I think we’re a harbinger of what other states can expect.”

#covid 19 #pandemic #missouri

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wellesleyunderground · 4 years

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Pandemic Pregnancy by Jess Sirizzotti ‘10 (@JezRebelle)

Having your first kid during a global pandemic makes for a very weird experience. Though the much anticipated “quarantine baby boom” turned out not to be the reality, there were still many pregnancies that started, continued, or wrapped up in 2020-2021.

Being pregnant during a pandemic is about as isolating as you’d expect. Reduced immunity plus *gestures vaguely* everything meant that a lot of people grew a person in unprecedented ways. What I struggled with the most (beyond the overarching panic and dread of a world on fire) was that there was no benchmarking. I could have made it nine months at work before telling anyone, because they only saw me on video conference from the clavicle up. There were no hospital tours, no childbirth classes, no expectant parenting groups.

Whenever you’re going through it, there seems to be no middle ground between dry, evidence-based medicine and projecting yourself entirely into the astral plane for communing with the ancestors. Here are a few things that helped me through my pregnancy, and some things I wish I’d known earlier.

Illustration Credit: Mercedes deBellard

Prep work

There are plenty of guides about how much you should have saved or what kind of physical shape you should be in. Some of that is helpful.

Oddly missing from those guides is “get a handle on your traumas.” Talk to a therapist. Talk to a partner. Talk to yourself in a diary where you ask yourself questions about what you want to carry with you and what terrifies you about having a kid. There are questionnaires for people donating living organs, and it does not hurt to say, “Hey, if there is a problem with ANY OF THE MYRIAD OF THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG, how would I work through those feelings? What are the boundaries I want for this process that will make me feel safer or in control?””

If you’re getting pregnant with someone who will raise this kid with you, get into it with them. Have very specific conversations about what you will do about parental leave, diapers, daycare, requests for tattoos from a twelve-year-old. My husband and I would read the Care & Feeding parenting column from Slate, debating how we would handle the conundrums of different letters before getting the “answer” from the columnist.

Also, get as full a picture of family pregnancy as you can. You might know your own birth story, but what about the other half of the genetics you’ll be juggling? I, personally, managed to mash up my MIL’s hyperemesis gravidarum and my mom’s gestational diabetes which has been...not a great time.

And ask *lots* of questions. I had pretty low-stakes issues making it into the world, but it turns out all my dad’s generation of siblings all needed to stay in the NICU. My dad had multiple full-body blood transfusions in his first days. That would have been helpful to know!

That said, what I was most shocked to learn is that there is no way to know what kind of pregnancy you’re going to have until you’re in it. Even if you’ve had a kid before—you can have wildly different experiences! There’s literally no way to know in advance!

Pro tip: you can’t know for certain what pregnancy will be like for you, but getting a broad picture can help it seem less like a cliff jump into the unknown.

Getting pregnant will take longer than you think

Once again, for those in the back, GETTING PREGNANT WILL TAKE LONGER THAN YOU THINK.

For starters, you will need to stop not getting pregnant, which has been the focus of most young adult lives since your fertility started. I had to get my IUD removed and also get revaccinated for a bunch of things (rubella, flu, tetanus). If you were on the pill, it may take a few months to get everything out of your system. Then, you will do something to try to get pregnant and wait for two weeks. Whether it takes two weeks, two months, or ten years—it will feel like a very long time.

Especially because by this point, I felt ready to have a child. I looked at the calendar and thought, “Oh good, the kid will be X horoscope sign. They’ll have their birthday during the school year. Their birthday will be X year, and that will be easy to remember.” I made plans.

And then I just...didn’t get pregnant. And kept not getting pregnant. Every month of getting my period was so frustrating. I had charted my cycle! I had taken my temperature to figure out if I was ovulating! I swallowed these giant prenatal vitamins that are the size of a human toe!

Some people do get pregnant instantly, and many blessings on their ultra-efficient plumbing. Some people get pregnant when they don’t want to, and they should be able to have a choice about whether to have those kids.

For most people, there will be a while between deciding to have a child through pregnancy and getting one started. It is happening everywhere, to countless people, and is one of the hardest, loneliest, most unintelligible experiences—made worse by the fact that people are shoving their feet into their own faces around you for the entire experience. You’re surrounded by people getting pregnant (magically! easily! with barely a whisper of effort!), people asking you when you will become pregnant, people congratulating you on not being pregnant because you can go out, drink, get really into aerial silks, etc. And you will have to not punch them in the face.

If you are under 35, most doctors will not even talk to you about fertility issues until you have tried for a year. That’s a minimum of twelve cycles of trying, twelve “I feel really good about this month” conversations, twelve pregnancy tests that say you’re not pregnant, twelve months at a job you may not like but stay at because they have good parental leave benefits or insurance coverage.

After a year (and after you get on their schedule) a fertility specialist can offer you fun adventures like getting dye injected into your fallopian tubes to see if they’re blocked, approval to shoot yourself up with expensive hormones (at home! with a real needle!), and any of the other amazing methods technology and medicine have discovered that tweak any of the multitude of handoffs that need to happen for a pregnancy to “take.”

If I can ask one thing, assume at least one person in earshot of your public conversation is trying to get pregnant and can’t—and be a little kinder.

Pro tip: get the cheaper pregnancy tests with lines rather than the electronic ones with words, because there are few bigger downers than seeing “NOT PREGNANT” month after month.

Find a practitioner you like

Because eventually, you will want to strangle them. It’s important to start with someone you like, so that the strangling phase will be late in the pregnancy and not a sustained hatred for nine full months.

Whether you’re pregnant or working with a reproductive specialist, having someone who listens to you will help. Some people cannot deal with hippie woo woo, some cannot imagine a pregnancy that’s all medical jargon. If you’re a person of color or want to have certain cultural traditions respected from the get-go, vetting at the beginning can avoid being at loggerheads later. Take some time to reflect on good and bad medical experiences you’ve had, and if you have options, choose someone who will not make you hyperventilate every time you have an appointment.

For me, I knew I needed a doctor who would not give me a hard time about weight gain. I have a history of disordered eating and (pre-pregnancy) was competing as a super heavyweight lifter, so am used to plenty of unsolicited opinions about my weight and what I should be doing with it. Pregnancy is fraught enough to take a single off-hand comment to an extreme, and I was deeply uninterested in negotiating an anorexia relapse while battling all the pregnancy changes.

If you have some time, shuffle up your pre-pregnancy appointments to get a feel for different doctors. I pulled up ZocDoc for my insurance network and came up with some finalists: had my annual exam by one, my IUD taken out by another, and my MMR re-vaccine done by a third. I knew my practice was right for me when the doctor offered to take all weight measurements patient-blind for the entire pregnancy.

Pro tip: think about what style of doctoring would make you feel better during this time, and give yourself the gift of one less thing to stress about.

Taking information in

Like the best of us, I enjoy a Wikipedia rabbit hole. I’m an especially good finder and am frequently tagged in as the friend who can unearth the secret Tumblr or yearbook photo of an elusive crush. I can find anything, and have a Jeopardy-level mental trapper keeper for bizarre edge-cases.

This is...not great for pregnancy, especially when unleashed on the “seems legit” constellation of mommy blogs. There are a million things that can go wrong with a pregnancy, and past a certain point, knowing more does not make you more likely to avoid or survive them.

Think of it like a fractal. Having the general shape of the tree: useful. Hyperfocusing so hard on one of the branches that you lose days in front of the computer screen, diving deeper into medical texts and unconfirmed narratives until you completely glaze over: less so.

Knowing this about myself helped me manage the unceasing amount of feedback offered by everyone from doctors to bystanders. I limited myself to one book (Emily Oster’s Expecting Better, which is wonderful), a doctor I trusted, and small doses of the Wellesley pregnancy group. I still couldn’t stop myself from reading every op-ed about miscarriage and stillbirth, but I was able to process them as things I was choosing to read instead of a compulsion I could not turn off.

Pro tip: really think about how much information serves you. It can feel like knowing every little thing will make you an expert who is ironclad against any malady. That’s, unfortunately, not how it works.

Sending information out

Like information gathering, you’ll want to decide how, when, and who to share information with. Having a pandemic pregnancy gave me a lot more power over when I disclosed than I would have had normally—I was sick as hell and it would have been a first-month discussion at work rather than a third-month one. It has allowed others to have entire pregnancies in private, only announcing when the baby has been delivered.

I found it helpful to think of pregnancy updates in concentric rings: my husband and I in the innermost circle, immediate family and some friends next, wider friend group and extended family, and then everyone else. I didn’t have to give minute-by-minute updates to everyone in the world if I didn’t want to, and a quick “Oh actually that’s private” was usually enough to keep any especially nosy questions to a minimum.

There were people who surprised me with wanting to know much more, and some who heard “baby” and unsubscribed. Both are fine!

Pro tip: if at all possible, curate a group of friends who are far from having first kids so that you can be assured of a rapt audience of “WHAT can happen??” Plus, at least one friend with a recent kid who’s very organized who can tell you what’s helpful to buy and what is BS.

Particular pandemic weirdness (good and bad)

While it has been lonely, it has also been wonderfully private. Some particular strange markers:

It is very odd to go from several months of zero physical contact with anyone outside my apartment directly into an intravaginal ultrasound.

My husband is going to meet our doctor at the delivery, because no one except patients is allowed past the lobby at our practice.

I will likely not need to buy any maternity clothes, because my pandemic outfits of blousy shirts and stretchy pants to work from home will suit perfectly.

No one touches my stomach unless I want them to.

Remote birthing classes allow you to snicker as much as you’d like from the comfort of your couch.

Things I did not know and wish I had

The way they count how far along you are starts from the first day of your last period. That is not when you got pregnant, but is the easiest way to have a consistent range for all patients (who may or may not be tracking ovulation spikes).

It is normal to have spotting-level breakthrough bleeding at some point during your pregnancy. The books will tell you this. Your doctor will tell you this. I am telling you this now. It will not make a damn bit of difference, because the moment you see blood, you will panic and be certain you are having a miscarriage. No one will be able to convince you otherwise until you get checked out.

Your entire digestive system slows waaaay down to accommodate a pregnancy, and is part of the reason for nausea. I had heard that you will need to pee all the time, but hadn’t heard that you will almost entirely stop pooping. And then once a week, you will crap yourself inside out.

The placenta can grow wherever it wants, including smack-dab over your cervix. This offends me more than I can say. That’s where the baby needs to go out! (C-section is required in these cases)

A cesarean birth is a horizontal cut, like an envelope opening and then they squeeze the baby through it. I always pictured it vertical, like opening a book.

Acronyms are a minefield on pregnancy forums. For months, I read posts thinking “FTM” meant “female-to-male trans person” instead of “first-time mom.” Don’t be afraid to Google to keep your bearings, but also feel free to create your own—DH can be “Dear” or “Damn” Husband depending on context.

“Morning sickness” is a misnomer. It can happen all day. It can happen for your whole pregnancy, though most women see a gradual decrease after the first trimester. I’m mid-way through my third trimester, and still throwing up six times a day. If I had known that earlier, I would not have tried to “stick it out” for as long as I did: cooking meals from scratch, insisting that pre-packaged snacks were for wimps. If you are sick, get comfortable EARLY. You don’t get extra points or a better baby for staying miserable, so you might as well lean in to Couch and Cheese Central. If it clears up, great. If not, at least you’re not already tired from trying too hard.

Around 4% of babies are born on their due dates. Do not assume your third trimester will be the length you would like it to be. My doctor has proposed a 37 week induction (because of all the sickness and gestational diabetes). While that is technically full-term, that news was given to me in such a way that low-balled the panic of being A FULL MONTH EARLY. As in, LOSING A THIRD OF THE TRIMESTER.

The baby is lower than you may expect—actual location is generally half-way between navel and nethers. If you’re patting the top of a pregnant person’s stomach (with their permission), you are far away from where the kid is.

There is no good news during a pregnancy. The best you can hope for is continuing to meet the baseline. I am so much more understanding of gender reveal parties, because it is literally the only test result that you can have an opinion about. No ultrasound or blood test will come back with, “Congratulations, your child is gifted!” or “They’re going to be so good at tennis!” It is nine straight months of finding out you’re high risk or not for sickle-cell anemia or tuberculosis. I stopped writing them down after awhile because it felt like every one was, “Oh damn, I didn’t even know we were still concerned about that.”

“Round ligament pain” is the technical term for sharp, stabbing pain in your groin caused by all the ligaments in your hips and crotch helpfully loosening to allow for gestation and birth. This can start as early as 14 weeks, which one would think is way too fricking early for it, but nope. You’d be wrong. The general recommendation for this is to keep your knees together, to which I say, “That particular ship has left the harbor.”

#wellesley underground #pregnancy #pandemic pregnancy

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thebachelordiaries · 4 years

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Clare seeks HIMBO: ‘The Bachelorette’ cast first impressions

The Covid-19 pandemic has been rough for the entire world, but Bachelor Nation faced some dark days too. Going eight months without a single new episode from The Bachelor franchise is something I would really like to not relive.

Fortunately, those dark days are over. Clare’s season has me sucked back in.

The quality of this image is atrocious.

Most of these men—presuming they followed CDC’s social distancing guidelines— haven’t seen a woman in months, are touch deprived, possibly unemployed and contemplating moving back to their hometown while stalking the housing market on Zillow. Everyone’s desperate. That makes for some pretty good TV.

This season features men ranging from ages 26 to 41. We’ve got a boy band manager, a grooming specialist, several men who look like they masturbate in front of full length mirrors and even more who probably want me to join their MLM pyramid scheme.

I’ve never been more ready to roast a bunch of men who have nightmares about going bald. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since March.

Let’s go:

AJ, 28, Software sales

AJ is the kind of guy who writes “Looking for the Pam to my Jim <3″ on his Bumble profile. His bio is generic and probably not reflective of who he is as a person. If I were Clare I’d swipe left.

Ben, 29, Army ranger veteran

“Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.“ Well then.

Alexa, play “Run” by AWOLNATION.

Bennett, 36, Wealth management consultant

Bennett’s profile is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. This man says he is the total package but hasn’t always been "this successful and good looking.” But wait, there’s more: “According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for.“

Can someone tell me what NYC neighborhood he lives in so I can blacklist it?

Blake M1, 31, Male grooming specialist

Blake’s just another stereotypical “29th round draft pick who sat on the bench of the practice team before getting cut, but claims he left the sport due to an injury on his own accord.”

Blake M2, 29, Wildlife manager

This Blake is an outdoorsy Canadian who seems pretty genuine and cool. Unfortunately, he has the face of someone who’d get sent home on night one. I hope I’m wrong.

Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Just another boring hot person. Nothing to see here.

Brendan, 30, Commercial roofer

Brandan, not to be confused for Brandon, “loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends.” I can’t even make fun of this man. We have the exact same interests.

Chasen, 31, IT account executive

The Winklevoss twins are actually triplets and Chasen is their long lost brother. But more seriously, have you ever seen someone who looks more like their name than this man?

Chris, 27, Landscape design salesman

“Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing.” Chris, sweetheart, have you met Clare? Easygoing...? There’s still time back out of this before it’s too late.

Dale, 31, Former pro football wide receiver

Dale aggressively screams “Bachelor material.” I’d say he’s auditioning for that role but Matt James already scooped it up. Better luck next year, Daley.

Demar, 26, Spin cycling instructor

Demar is a “very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” Imagine how many trophy wives Demar has f*cked?

Eazy, 29, Sports marketing agent

Eazy is very similar to Dale on paper. Except his name is Eazy so he automatically loses that battle.

Ed, 33, Health care salesman

“Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed deserves to die alone.

Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Garin’s bio is giving me hubby material vibes. And maybe a little bit of a “gets eliminated on night one” vibe too.

Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

Ivan, what are you doing here? We’re in a recession. Please go back to your normal job before it’s too late.

Jason, 31, Former pro football linemen

“He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life.” A big, brawny HIMBO with CTE? I feel like he’s Clare’s type.

Jay, 29, Fitness director

There are too many things about Jay that I dislike and I’m trying to keep this brief. Jay says “it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead.” I am willing to bet money that this man has never made a woman c*m.

Jeremy, 40, Banker

Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette,” which may seem like a monuments accomplishment but he’s literally only one year older than Clare.

He also “hates Instagram models, both male and female,” so he should have a lot of fun here.

Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Before I even saw his profession and location, I thought Joe looked like a doctor I’d find on a NYC dating app...and...uh...I probably did see him on there now that I think about it.

Anyway, this man has apparently been through seven stages of hell while on the front lines fighting Covid-19 in NYC so I definitely think he deserves to find love. Someone marry him please.

Jordan C, 26, Software account executive

I can already tell Jordan is going to get the “I’m young but mature” edit which means he’s probably not going to be good TV.

Too bad someone a tad younger (like Tayshia) wasn’t the Bachelorette. I feel like they’d make a cute couple.

Jordan M., 30, Cyber security engineer

I was going to say something mean but Jordan’s into cyber security and I don’t want my blog to be deactivated, so never mind. Cast photos are historically bad so I’m sure he looks much better in real life.

Kenny, 39, Boy band manager

I could go for the obvious drags regarding this man’s profession (or his sh*tty chest tattoo, or his suspiciously boyish face relative to his age), but I like to think I’m more clever than that.

I’d like to take this time to talk about men, who are obviously difficult people, who rant and rave about how they want an “easygoing” woman. Look into the mirror, bud. No, not the one you use to jerk off to your reflection; the mirror that looks into your soul. Out of respect for the rest of humankind, have some self-awareness. Or maybe just see a therapist.

Mike, 38, Digital media advisor

Mike is seemingly a decent catch, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single or how he never (accidentally or on purpose) impregnated a woman in his 38 years of life.

And now that I’m thinking about it, do any of these men have children? I have yet to see any mention of it in their bios. But there are eight men left to review, so there’s still time.

Page, 37, Chef

I spoke too soon. Page is a father! He also hates football! I’m a fan of this man. I was initially going to drag him for his name and say that Page is not a real name. PAIGE is a real name. PAGE is a piece of paper. I’m allowed to say this because we have the same name except mine is spelled the correct way. Based on my (mostly positive) review of his cast bio, I have decided not to hold his name against him.

Riley, 30, Long Island City

Riley, once married with children, would like to go on a family vacation that consists of touring every single MLB stadium in the country. If i were his wife, I would simply never give this man children.

Robby, 30, Insurance broker

No more Robbys on The Bachelorette. Society has evolved past its need for more Robbys.

This Robby described his dream woman as: “Incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.”

Someone please give this man a sex doll. He just wants a hole.

Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

“Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and a cowboy by night.” How does that make him a lawyer? Does this mean he’s into cosplay? I’m confused.

Tyler S., 36, Music manager

Tyler makes an honorable living off riding his brother’s dick success as a country singer. “He just LOVES his job!” Uh yeah, I would too if I had a low-show, high-paying job off the merits of nepotism. It’s the American dream.

Yosef, 30, Medical device salesman

Another dad! He’s totally going to pull the “girl dad” narrative. That saying is kind of sexist to me but the masses generally eat it up, so I’m fairly confident Yosef will get the "sweet guy” edit he’s looking for.

Zac C., 36, Addiction specialist

“He loves Philadelphia sports and dreams of sharing a Philly Cheesesteak with his future wife while watching the Eagles win a Super Bowl.” This man is so South Jersey it hurts.

On a more serious note, I don’t think anyone in recent history has spoken openly about their personal struggle with addiction on this show, so I hope Zac gets a chance to tell his story.

Zach J., 37, Cleaning service owner

Zach is seemingly obsessed with Clare already and hopes to introduce her to his mom as his fiancée. Since Zach watched Clare on Juan Pablo’s season, you’d think he’d know that Clare would first meet his mom during the final four hometown dates. Assuming he makes it that far. My prediction is that he won’t.

Final thoughts

After eight long months Bachelor Mondays are back!!!

Uhh....wait.

Actually, we now have the less-exciting Bachelor Tuesdays. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. But I’ll take anything at this point.

Here are my final predictions:

First impression rose: Dale. It just looks like he can turn on the bullsh*t charm

Final rose: Jason. Clare wants a HIMBO I just know it.

Bachelor: nobody (Matt James is The Bachelor)

Most likely to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise: Blake M2

Most likely to get canceled online: Bennett

Most likely to get sent home night one but deserve better: Chris

Who are your favorite men cast on this season?

#The Bachelorette #abc #clare crawley #chris harrison #photo credit: ABC

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inawickedlittletown · 5 years

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Next To Me (2/6)

Summary: Buck and Eddie started off in different places but eventually they ended up in the same. Eventually, they ended up in love.

Buck had never had a friend like Eddie before. Someone that burrowed under his skin and wrapped around him and became a part of him — like an extra limb, someone he couldn’t do without.

Ship: Buck/Eddie

Words: 4,600

Notes: I decided early on that I would need incorporate some Spanish into this fic especially when including Eddie's family into the fic. I think I might be in the minority in thinking that a lot of buddie fics overdo it but that might be my perspective as a hispanic person living in the US and just my own experience with Spanish.

I do understand and speak Spanish fluently but don't speak it often and I've never really written in it which for the purposes of this fic doesn't matter because we're dealing with conversational spanish anyway and in a lot of cases spanglish because that’s a bit more realistic to me. I've put the translations right underneath the sentence it pertains to so everyone gets the meaning.

And if you didn't notice, this fic is now going to be 6 chapters long isntead of 4 because things got away from me as they always tend to do. Enjoy. :)

Masterpost

Read on Ao3

Previous Chapter

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Chapter Two

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“No, no! No!” She pointed her finger at him and she was shaking her head furiously. “No, Eddie, you don’t get to decide for me. It’s my mom! My mom!”

“Yes, and this is your son!” Eddie yelled back.

Eddie couldn’t remember how long the argument had been going on. Days and days of it going on and on and Eddie hated it. He hated that the two of them were getting so good at pretending that everything was fine when it was actually falling apart but maybe that had been part of the problem from the very start.

Eddie was sure that his parents could tell something was wrong. Neither of them brought it up, though, and maybe they were convinced that it was to do with the aftermath of his time in Afghanistan. His mom had been dropping a few hints here or there that he should see a therapist. They probably had no clue that all he and Shannon seemed to do is fight.

His saving grace was Christopher. Christopher made everything better and Eddie was trying to make up for any of the time he’d lost with his son.

When Christopher was born, Eddie was in Afghanistan unable to take leave and hating himself for missing most of the pregnancy and then worst of all his birth. The thing was that he and Shannon hadn’t planned on children so early on. A good surprise, but a surprise neither was ready for. Shannon had told him it was fine, that he could go — all the work he’d put into it couldn’t go to waste and he’d be able to take leave close to her due date.

Except that she went into pre-term labor and then there were further complications. By the time that Eddie finally got to meet his son, Christopher had already been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. Shannon was depressed and hating herself and Eddie’s parents had stepped up while Eddie could do nothing but stick around for his two week leave and try to do his best but ultimately he’d had to go, promising that as soon as his tour was over he’d be home again.

He did return at the end of his fifteen month tour, to a more stable Shannon and to his mom who did more than her share to help with Chris. Eddie had fallen in love with his boy — the boy that was half him and half Shannon and more wonderful than anything else in the world. Eddie had thought that he knew love when he fell in love with Shannon, but real love was the love he felt for Christopher. It was the encompassing, do anything for you kind of love and Eddie knew that it would never fade no matter what. He’d never felt that way about anyone before in his life.

The thing about love was that it wasn’t enough.

Things weren’t easy. It was doctor’s visits and specialists here and there and a bunch of other nonsense but they were together and they were a family and Eddie had no intention of not sticking around. But Eddie hadn’t realized the extent to which having a special needs child could drain you. He could see it in Shannon and in how much their lives revolved around helping Chris. It wasn’t that he resented it — the love that he held for his child and for his wife — it was just that Eddie felt exhausted and pointless and then he read a few emails and he was signing up for another deployment. They needed the money and selfishly, Eddie needed to go.

Shannon didn’t speak to him for days after he told her. Even things to do with Chris she passed on to him through his mother. Eddie had been able to see some of the same judgement in his mom’s eyes but she never said it outloud. It was his dad that understood a little better.

“I get it, mijo,” his dad. “It’s hard. Yo entiendo. Pero es tu hijo y I don’t — tu no eres alguien que corre de nada. Life’s hard, but you’re strong. And, si necesitas irte then go, pero tienes que regresar.”

[I get it, son,” his dad said. “It’s hard. I understand. But, that’s your son and I don’t — you don’t run from anyone. Life’s hard, but you’re strong. And if you need to leave then go, but you have come back to us.]

Being away wasn’t the relief he thought it’d be and yet he stayed away. After all, he spent a lot of time just missing Shannon and missing Chris more than anyone else. Saving lives and doing something that mattered, at least he felt like he was away for a good reason, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t feel guilty for staying away. The thing was that Eddie felt like he could actually save people and help people. With Chris, there was very little under his control and it was frustrating and scary and it was why he renewed his contract yet again. He was home for just a few months — wonderful tiring months of getting to bond with his son and seeing his personality start to shine through — before leaving again for another fifteen month long tour. He regretted it as soon as he was gone. It had been the wrong choice.

“You’re not being fair, Edmundo,” his mom told him when he returned home on leave for a few weeks. “She needs you here. Chris needs you here.”

Eddie could only say, “I know, mom.” and let the guilt wash over him.

After being awarded the Silver Star and finishing up his last fifteen month tour, Eddie officially retired from the Army. He didn’t even tell Shannon when he was coming home since it was just a little earlier than they might have expected and just in time for Christmas.

Shannon cried when she saw him again and Eddie cried when he saw Chris. He was so much bigger and older than he’d expected and even though Eddie had seen him almost weekly over video calls it was different to have him in front of him and to be able to hold him. Christopher was more of a person, by then. He was funny and quirky and perfect. Eddie never wanted to be away from him again.

Things went well for a while. Chris was settled with school and between him, Shannon, his parents, and occasionally his sisters there was always someone to watch Chris when needed. Things seemed to be settling into something normal and steady for Chris. Eddie had started to look for a job, a little listless but happy to be home with his family. That was when the other shoe dropped. Shannon told him about her mom.

It was a late night and Chris was already in bed. Eddie had been the one to put him down and he’d spent almost forty minutes reading to him. Shannon had finished up a call with her mom when she turned to him.

“My mom’s sick.”

It wasn’t a recent sickness either, it was something that had been going on for months and months and that Shannon hadn’t bothered to mention to him until that moment.

“I’ve been trying to convince her to come out here but she has all her doctors there and she loves where she lives and…”

Eddie was the one to suggest she go to California.

“We should go,” Shannon said.

“Okay. We can get my mom and sisters to watch Chris for a few days and we go see your mom,” Eddie said.

That was not what Shannon wanted and so began their argument.

“I’ve been putting her off for months because you weren’t here, Eddie. It’s my mom. I can’t not go.”

“And I’m not saying you can’t go,” Eddie said.

Shannon pursed her lips. “Eddie, I want us to move to LA so I can look after my mom. She has no one out there and a nurse is not the same thing. I need to be with her.”

It wasn’t that Eddie wasn’t sympathetic or that he didn’t care about Shannon’s mom. It was that he was being pragmatic. Uprooting Chris when all his needs were being met and when he was doing so well was out of the question.

All the little things that had been going well suddenly crashed around them and as it turned out nothing was going well at all. Shannon felt like Eddie paid her no attention unless it was related to Christopher and she was mad that Eddie was so dismissive of her need to help her mother. Eddie thought she was being unfair and a little naive in thinking that moving Chris to another state would be easy.

Shannon didn’t like it when Eddie pointed out how much his parents were still helping them with taking care of Chris and occasionally even financially and suddenly that became a fight about Eddie not having been around. It went on and on until the afternoon when Eddie had gone to the park with Chris and his sister, Isabella, and they got back to the apartment and it was quiet and slightly off. It took Eddie a little while to realize that it was because things here and there were missing. Shannon didn’t take everything — she didn’t even take all her clothes — but she took enough for Eddie to know that she wasn’t coming back any time soon.

“That bitch,” Isabella muttered out of Chris’ hearing.

Eddie said nothing. In that moment, it had felt like being back in Afghanistan on the cusp of something dangerous. His jaw tightened and he wanted nothing more than to scream. Isabella held his hand and he wanted so badly to just break down and let her take care of him and take care of everything but that just wasn’t who he was. It wasn’t who he was raised to be.

Growing up as both the middle child and the sole boy, Eddie had known that keeping his feelings to himself made things easier. It made for less teasing from either of his sisters but it also made him the calm and collected one that could help either of them in a crisis. Very little ever bothered him — he just pushed it aside. He kept on moving.

Chris noticed Shannon was gone before Eddie had even said anything and seeing his son’s heartbroken expression was enough to make Eddie push away his own emotions because all the anger and resentment and pain that he might be feeling was nothing to the way that Chris looked at him.

“Mommy left,” he whispered.

“Yeah, kiddo. It’s just you and me for right now. And you know I love you, right?”

“I love you too, daddy,” Chris said.

Christopher adapted quickly. Maybe because he knew what it was like to live with just one parent already or because it was just in his nature. Either way, it didn’t take long for him to just keep going. It helped that Eddie did nothing to disrupt his life as it had been before. One thing it did do was make him and Chris even closer than before because Eddie was the one he was relying on for everything. Granted, Christopher had always been very independent, insisting on doing things for himself even when Eddie or Shannon or anyone else in the family had wanted nothing more than to jump in and help him.

Eddie talked to Shannon only once after she left. A short phone call during which she asked him to ship the rest of her things to her and where Eddie only just managed to hold in his temper and not yell at her. She didn’t try to convince him to join her and he didn’t ask her if she was coming back. The only time that Eddie came close to yelling at her was when she asked after Christopher.

“He’s not fine. His mom left him,” he’d snapped at her and the phone call had ended very quickly after that.

Between his mom, his two sisters, and even his dad, Eddie managed just fine with Christopher. It was his own emotions that kept getting the better of him. He just missed her like crazy — more than he’d ever missed her when he was gone in Afghanistan. Back then, he’d been doing something good and that had made it easier to miss his family and be away from them. It had always been Chris that he was desperate to get back to...even when he also kept himself away.

Eddie tried to focus on other things. Mostly, Christopher. After Chris’ sixth birthday came and went without word from Shannon, Eddie finally felt the abandonment and the last dregs of hope that she might return disappeared. Shannon was really not coming back for either of them.

That night, he got drunk on his own in his kitchen after putting Chris in bed and for the first time he started to consider how much of what had happened wasn’t all on Shannon’s shoulders. After all, it was he that left them first. Maybe by doing that he’d created the crack in their relationship that kept breaking more and more until there was nothing that could salvage it.

It was when she’d been gone a little over a year that Eddie cooled off a bit on his anger. Enough to see that maybe he’d been the one that broke them apart when he stubbornly refused to go with her to California. He still didn’t want to, but sometimes he wished that Chris could have his mom back in his life and that Eddie could have his wife back.

“She’s been gone so long I’m surprised she didn’t send you divorce papers yet,” Isabella said one night.

He, Isabella, and Stefanie were hanging out in his kitchen with a few glasses of wine. Stefanie — the youngest and the one with the cooking skills — had made them pozole and they were all warm and comfortable. The big pot of it cooling on his stove and their dirty dishes in the sink.

“I thought it meant she would come back,” Eddie admitted. “Or that I should go after her.”

Both of his sisters eyed him.

“What about Chris?”

Eddie hadn’t voiced his thoughts about going after Shannon to anyone in his family until that moment. “He’ll go with me,” Eddie said.

He could tell they didn’t like the idea. It was a bit impulsive and maybe stupid too but Eddie didn’t care because despite how angry he still was, Eddie did love her and she was still Christopher’s mom. That had to count for something.

“I think it’s time you move on,” Isabella said.

“No se fue solo por su mama, Ed,” Stefanie said. “Before you came back...ella...no creo que estaba happy.”

[“She didn’t go just because of her mom, Ed,” Stefanie said. “Before you came back...she...I don’t think she was happy.”]

Eddie eyed his sisters. “What, you think she wanted to leave for another reason?”

Stefanie shrugged. Isabella gave him a smile. “Eddie, you weren’t here to see her struggling with Chris. We all love him, but she had it the hardest and I think she resented that you weren’t here all the time. She got a chance to bail and she took it.”

But so had he. He’d left them too. Maybe their family was comprised of people that ran away at the first sign of hardship.

“So maybe it’s time you move on. Go on a few dates — see what’s out there.”

“I’m married,” Eddie pointed out.

“Separated,” Stefanie said pointedly.

They had been hinting for months, trying to push him into going on at least the one date with any number of their single friends. Stefanie had even made him a profile on some dating app but dating was the last thing that Eddie needed. He didn’t say it, but they all knew he wasn’t over Shannon. Maybe they were trying to get him over her. Eddie could recall a time with both of his sisters had been more than a little wary of Shannon.

Before Eddie decided to enlist in the Army, he was an EMT. He’d been in training to become one as far back as high school and so instead of going to college like his dad wanted, he’d just stuck to the EMT thing. It was a step below a paramedic which actually required a bit more training and some schooling, but Eddie loved it. It was one of his fellow EMTs that told him he would make a good Army medic once Eddie mentioned his interest in enlisting.

“You’re just so steady, Eddie, I think you would do well under that type of pressure. You’re good, man, and you already have a lot of the skills you’d need for it.”

The first time he met Shannon it was at a call. She’d been the one to call it and he and his partner, Roger, had answered. Eddie would never forget how beautiful Shannon looked that day with her long blue dress and her wavy hair. But, Eddie kept it professional. Her friend was the one in distress and between him and Roger them could see that her friend had broken her arm in at least two places.

“You should have asked for her number,” Roger muttered to him later. “You were eying her up good enough.”

“Kinda sleazy to do that on a call, don’t you think?”

“Last guy I went out with,” Roger said, “I met him on a call.”

Eddie shrugged. “Too late now, man.”

Then, he met Shannon again. Properly. He met Shannon for a second time at a party — she was friends with one of Isabella’s friends and Eddie spotted her right away and this time he knew he could let her get away. They had a lot in common — or at least enough to talk for a long while and Eddie could tell she was interested from how her hands touched his arm and her laugh. She had a gorgeous laugh and her blue eyes were so vibrant. Eddie was a sucker for blue eyes.

At the end of the night, he had her phone number and the promise of a call to set up a date. He called her the very next day. Eddie was sure that he knew he wanted to marry her after just a couple of dates. Isabella thought he was crazy when he told her.

When he brought Shannon over to meet his family, things were less than perfect. For one thing, he could tell that Shannon felt a little uncomfortable with how much Spanish was thrown about perhaps because his sisters were overdoing it a bit. His mom liked her, he could tell, and his dad didn’t seem to care one way or the other but they were both friendly and welcoming.

Stefanie had been the one asking the hard questions. Asking Shannon about her family and about her job and why she was even in Texas in the first place if she wasn’t from there. Isabella didn’t make it any easier.

Worse, Shannon didn’t take too well to the food. Eddie hadn’t been able to tell because he was so used to it, but it was a little too spicy for someone not used to having hot sauce in everything.

“Claro, porque no es de aqui,” Stefanie muttered to him and he could only glare at her.

[“No wonder, it’s because she’s not from here”]

Shannon was a trooper though. “It’s very good,” she said. “I’m just a bit sensitive when it comes to food.”

“Oh,” his mom said. “I was the same way at first but I’ve always liked a little kick. Now, I can’t even tell when something’s a bit too hot.”

Eddie tried not to glare at his sisters. He knew they were the ones that cooked that night. Shannon just laughed it off later when they left. Eddie figured that as much as he loved his family and wanted their opinion, it was his choice who he should be with and Shannon was who he wanted.

Eddie did tell her about wanting to go to the Army and Eddie’s intentions to enlist didn’t go away just because he was falling in love, but Shannon wanted the commitment of marriage before he went through with it. It was her encouragement and the way that she accepted and loved who he was at his core that made it easier to leave her for bootcamp training and medic training. It was hard to be in love and recently wed and to be separated but Eddie had faith in them. When Shannon told him she was pregnant, Eddie almost quit it all. She didn’t let him but maybe she should have. The one thing he was glad for was his parents and sisters stepping up to help Shannon while he was gone.

“I’m going to go after her,” Eddie insisted to his sisters a few days after the night at his house. He’d had time to think it over and it made sense.

It was months and months later that going to California seemed like a more viable choice. Part of it was Shannon, but another part was that finding work would be easier in California. He hadn’t been exactly struggling in Texas, but Eddie felt restless. Starting over somewhere else felt better.

It took planning. His sisters and his parents hated the idea. Eddie was surprised when they did let him go. It was his Abuela that reassured them that he’d be fine. She was in LA, after all. Her and his Tia Pepa. It was their turn to look after him.

“Dejalo ir,” Isabella said a week before he was set to leave. “Se quiere ir. If it — quando le rompe el corazón again estamos aquí.”

[“Let him go,” Isabella said a week before he was set to leave. “He wants to go. If it — when she breaks his heart again we’ll be here for him.”]

“Gracias, Iz. You’re the best,” Eddie said.

“I’m not wrong, you know. She’s going to break your heart,” Isabella said.

“Or maybe, she won’t,” his mom said.

Eddie didn’t know who he believed more.

“Well, I never liked her,” Stefanie said.

Stefanie had never been shy about expressing that even before Eddie and Shannon got married.

“Era muy...stuck up,” Stefanie said. “Not to mention that no mom leaves their kid just like that.”

[“She was…”]

Listening to his sisters talk about Shannon made him more and more wary about bringing her back into Christopher’s life. If she even wanted to be back in his life but there was another reason for leaving Texas. He relied too much on his family. Not just with Christopher but in general. He couldn’t keep doing that forever and he needed a new start even if it didn’t include Shannon.

Eddie even had an idea of where to begin getting his new start. The idea had come from his abuela.

“A todos le gustan los bomberos, Edmundo. Es una buena profesión y como tu ya sabes esas cosas te va ir bien,” she’d said over the phone.

[“Everyone likes firemen, Edmundo. It’s a good job and since you already know a lot, you’ll do well.”]

It was a good idea and one that he would follow through with. Being a firefighter was probably the closest thing to being an Army medic. It was one of the things he was excited for in the move. He could have done it in Texas, sure, but he wanted to at least try to get his family back together before he gave up the notion entirely.

Christopher was excited for the adventure of going somewhere new even if the idea had come as a shock to him and it was enough to get rid of any of his nerves when moving day finally arrived and all of their things were packed up. Between his abuela and his tia, he already had an affordable place in LA.

Even though he’d moved close enough to where Shannon was, Eddie didn’t go find her. He didn’t even look her up even though he knew where her mom lived and so where she was likely living. Instead, he and Chris unpacked and then Eddie went to speak to someone about joining the fire academy and doing all the testing to get into training. He found a nearby school for Chris and tried to wrap his mind around all the million different things he might need to fill out for assistance with his son. There was just so much more than he’d initially expected and so for a while he just ignored it. He took Chris to the beach instead, to his son’s delight and they hung out with his abuela and his tia.

His abuela and tia were instrumental to him the first few weeks especially once he started at the fire academy. Eddie was so busy that he pushed aside any thought of finding Shannon. One afternoon he did drive by her mom’s place and he hung around outside but didn’t go up to the door. Even though he’d said he wanted to, suddenly seeing her was the last thing he wanted. It was just that Christopher was happy.

Not that he hadn’t been happy in Texas, but California seemed to give him new energy. Maybe it was the excitement of being somewhere new or how much enjoyment he was getting out of his firefighter training, but Eddie didn’t want to ruin it by bringing Shannon back into his life when he didn’t know if she would even want to be back in Chris’ life, let alone Eddie’s. So, he put it off.

Isabella laughed at him when he told her he still hadn’t gone to see her but she also didn’t press him to do it. His abuela was just happy to have him around and she always wanted Christopher around too. Eddie felt a bit guilty for how often he left his son with his abuela no matter how often she offered. She was just older and not up to how high energy Chris could get sometimes.

It was insane to him a few months later to graduate from the fire academy first in his class and to have a few different Captains trying to persuade him to join their station. Eddie felt like he’d felt when he first finished his Army training, except maybe even better. California, as it turned out, was good for him.

In the end, Captain Bobby Nash won him over due to his calm demeanor and he joined Fire Department Station 118.

His first day began like any other day. He arrived early, ready to meet his fellow firefighters, and excited to be doing something good again. He’d been quick to introduce himself to anyone that he crossed paths with on the way to the locker room and then he started changing. Curious eyes had been following him since he arrived, but it was as he had finished putting on a shirt that he spotted Captain Nash leading two others over to meet him.

Hen and Chimney seemed friendly enough and Eddie already liked Bobby. In fact, most of the firefighters seemed friendly and welcoming. Then, there was Buck.

------------------

Next Chapter

Notes: We're back on Buck in the next chapter and I have a bit of editing to do but I hope to have it up soon. In the meanwhile, let me know what you thought about this chapter.

One final note: Pozole is a Mexican soup. It can be spicy or mild and it is made with pork and homini and it is absolutely delicious.

If anyone wants to be tagged in future chapters, let me know. :)

Tagging: @princess-from-another-galaxy, @eddiexbuck

#911 fox #buddie #buddie fic #buck x eddie #next to me #fic #my fic #911 fox fic

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anotherdayforchaosfay · 5 years

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I fell in the shower today.

I’m okay. Got a solid grip on the grab bar and it softened the landing. Husband is getting a shower/bathing chair for me because this isn’t the first, nor shall it be the last, time it’s happened. As for the why...

I’ve mentioned before I have an old back injury that has flared the fuck up recently. Been going on for months.

I acquired this injury from sledding when I was 14. My mother forbade me from going sledding with friends. I was 14, the hill was fantastic and so many kids were sledding. Why the fuck would I wanna miss out on something like that? I was on a disc sled, hit a rock, flew a good distance, and landed on another rock less than two inches from my spine. Wind was knocked outta me, and it took almost ten minutes for me get my legs moving. Cell phones weren’t common then; they were huge and often had to be carried in bags. No one thought to call for an ambulance. One of the friends I was sledding with suggested I sleep over because I didn’t want to get in trouble. Not even 12 hours later her dad drove me home (because I could barely walk due to pain) and told my mom to take me to the hospital. She said no, that I deserved this, it’ll be a reminder of what disobedience costs. That’s when I learned no matter how much I get hurt, she won’t care.

A large portion of my back was black and purple. Massive bruise and all kinds of ugly. Moving hurt, breathing hurt, I couldn’t lay down or sit up. My mom insisted I do chores because I went sledding when she said not to go, that this is a lesson I need to remember.

I fucking remember. Every fucking day for 22 years. Blowing on that spot causes spasms and pain so severe I can’t even breathe. There are clothes I can’t wear because they touch that spot in such a way that I’m damn near unable to move. When I was 16 I threw my back out carrying all my school books because two minutes isn’t enough time to get to my locker and then to class. The specialist I saw did an exam that hurt like fuck, had me crying and my mother calling me a wimp. He told her this is a nerve cluster that’s like a scar but rather than being visible it causes me pain. He told her I need surgery, that getting it done while I’m younger is safer and better for me because recovering is easier when young. She said no because I’m just being wimpy. I was given muscle relaxants, a board to lay on, a note saying I can’t go to school for at least a week, and another note telling my teachers I need more time between classes and need to use a wheelie bag (those were forbidden back then and really expensive).

The pain has gotten worse every year. My mother still thinks I deserve it, that I’m just wimpy. My father had no say because he was in another country at the time the injury happened. Military thing called TDY.

I’m seeing my doctor on the 27th; it’s the earliest appointment I could get. I’ll be requesting a referral to a physical therapy clinic that also has a massage therapist (the only way my insurance will cover this at all), a muscle relaxant, and a referral to a specialist to get this taken care of.

When the pain spikes, so does my vertigo. I have constant vertigo, frequent dizzy spells, and recently both have gotten worse. Hence falling in the shower. We have all furniture corners cover with baby-safe cushioning because I bump into things a lot. While looking at apartments (we’re moving in July) I’m looking for places without stairs. A few years ago I fell down the two steps we had in our home and gave myself a concussion. No idea how long I was out, but stairs are not good for me. Especially now.

Sitting at my computer for more than half an hour hurts like hell. My recliner is the only place I get any relief, however minor it is. Quilting is slower because various movements make the pain shoot up. Normally the pain is sitting at a constant 6; I’m used to it, no big deal. It’s now sitting at an 8 and spikes to a 9.5. I pass out at a 10, and have experienced that 10 when my IUD broke in 2010. That’s another story for another day.

The only thing my mother taught me is that no matter how much pain I’m in, no matter the severity of my injuries, telling her won’t mean a damn thing. My pain tolerance is insanely high, but she calls me a wimp anyway. I fell asleep when I got my tattoos, one of which covers the majority of my left ankle and goes up to my knee. The endorphins release had me really sleepy and I napped for the three hours of the tattoo work. I fall asleep during most dental appointments because the pain and discomfort release endorphins and make me sleepy. I have injured myself during seizures, been hit by three cars, suffered a concussion, tore a ligament in my wrist after a bad fall down a set of stairs (and suffered it for 5 years before proper diagnosis and surgery), and a whole hell of a lot of other injuries. Not to mention the self-harm I inflicted on my legs (no one questions small cuts when I shaved my legs) for over a decade.

I’m dealing with severe vertigo, extreme pain that has actually made me cry, and I’m pissed the fuck off. It’s taken me THIS FUCKING LONG to realize my parents weren’t only neglectful of me but also abusive. It was little and big things, and only with the help of my current counselor have I been able to face what has happened to me. My sisters were pampered and given all the positive love and affection. I’m the eldest and “should be setting an example”. Constantly asked “why can’t you be more like your sisters” and punished when I got anything lower than a B. Though the neglect they threw at me when I got a B certainly fucking qualifies.

I don’t know how I can ever bring this up with my parents. They will never believe they did anything wrong. I will never get an apology. Nothing will change other than a massive rift in the family for which I’ll be blamed.

For those who are unaware of a small detail, I rarely cry. I was shamed for crying, for being emotional, wimpy, too sensitive, etc. I learned how to cry silently. Having severe allergies made my sniffling nose easy to mask. When something makes me cry, it’s an event. I’m getting better at crying, but when it’s pain that’s setting it off, it’s bad. My husband is mad with worry because he’s seeing me cry from pain that I’ve been masking for years. He hates that I hold all this in. He cries openly, he’s sensitive, sympathetic, empathetic, and has none of the toxic masculinity (he claims it’s due to being raised in a house of women). I’ve been enjoying edibles for several weeks now to help deal with the pain, but I can’t have them daily for many reasons. I’m allergic to nearly every pain medication, and the one I’m not allergic to (aleve) has no effect on this. It helps with migraines, fevers, and my wrist, but not my back.

I know my doctor will help me. She’s an amazing doctor, she listens to me, hears me, asks the right questions and never shames me for the ones I ask. She’ll likely insist on me seeing a specialist because this isn’t something I ought to be forced to live with for the rest of my life. She’ll also mark the massage therapy as medically necessary, which is the only way Medicare will cover it (I’m disabled and on SSDI).

Please don’t reblog this, but you can reply. I’m full of pain and anger and hurt right now. JFC I’m gonna cry again. The more sugar coating I remove from my past, the more I really look at my childhood and growing up, the more I realize how horrible things were for me. Like many victims of childhood abuse and neglect, I’ve pushed a vast amount of it away. Don’t want to look at it, don’t want to think about it, but 2019 was the year I began to heal. Now the ugly part is finally coming around. The worst part of moving in July will be losing my counselor and doctor.

#Chaosfay Talks #not for reb@gelling #do not reb00gle

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espeneldritch · 6 years

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2. This is the post with abuse mentions I was talking about please stay safe

Alright so first off so nobody gets confused: yes. I'm ftm. I don't list that on my bio because I just want to be male you know? Being trans isn't as big to my identity as being bisexual and it's not like I would probably date anyone off Tumblr anyways so it's really none of anyone's business unless it comes to stories like this, in which, you need that context.

If you don't know what that means, it means I'm trans and yeah I still go by he/him. I'm male.

Anyways here's the story

I have waited a little over 2 years to be seen by my local gender specialist. This is not optional in Canada no matter your money, and he was booked up that far because the old one retired and I live in a fairly densely populated area. I was very excited when I received the phone call and was solely focused on the gender aspect of my mental health because I've been living as male since 17 and not being on T while seeing trans peers in other areas get to medically transition faster felt like torture. I had completely forgotten that these gender specialists are trained psychiatrists prepared especially for the issues we can face.

I came in, gave him my med list, told him about my transition, he agreed on my disagnosis of gender dysphoria and referred me to an endocrinologist within the first five minutes. He even apologized for the wait and said he would refer me for top surgery, but he needed to wait for fat redistribution on T.

Here is where things got interesting. He had us booked for a full hour like a therapy session. It really caught me off guard how he started going through questions off the beaten path for therapists.

He asked me about previous disagnosis and we went into detail about how they interacted with my dysphoria and suddenly something old came out of his files. My letter from my childhood doctor for concerta. He asked about how my ADHD was off medication. Nobody I'd seen since I was 6 had asked about my ADHD, and there was a good reason for that.

I was absolutely shocked. It all came flooding back. No, my mom had taken me out of the doctor's because she said it changed my attitude too much and she wanted me back. I was bilingual, mandrin immersion when I was little. On the meds, I was finally catching up with my tutors a year in but my mom took me off them and my attention crashed so hard that I had to be removed from my multilingual program and put into special Ed to recover the damage done. I had to switch schools, she didn't try different meds she just took me off them. I figured out how to make my understimulated brain work with special Ed and was thrown back into regular schooling by grade four. Chances of learning any other languages pretty much completely ruined even with learning strategies.

But it didn't stop there. I was ill allot as a kid and my Mom wasn't experienced enough to handle it. I don't think it was malicious, she's just always been my only parent and... not really ready for a kid. I was severely iron deficient throughout my childhood which may or may not have been her fault but between the both of us being victims of actual abuse and living in shelters for a few years I'm not willing to call the trauma she put me through abuse.

Yet, when I developed chronic migraines in Jr high (a risk factor for migraines is chronic iron deficiency) she refused to treat me after one bad medication interaction along with refusing recommend MRIs due to budding working symptoms. She stopped taking me to doctors, I lost contact with my neurologist. As always she had that same inexperienced fear of repetition instead of a willingness to be on my side to help me. As a result of that my migraines were out of control up into highschool. I was missing weeks of school a month because I couldn't talk without slurring and they would stack up and trigger each other.

Mysteriously, they stopped in grade 11-12. But they came back when I was 18 (I graduated at 17 and was working for half a year at this point) but this time with hemipeligic symptoms. But, because of my neglect growing up, I had no idea that a) people didn't just deal with half their body getting paralyzed or b) what to do about it as an adult who has never been taught how to take care of my mental or physical illnesses. I refused to tell my coworkers what was wrong. I valued my privacy, and if I had had the supports behind me, this would have been fine. But I didn't. I had love behind me, but no supports.

I suppose what this is. I see everyone bonding over abuse, including me. I've talked about my abuse tons of times and that's not for the public eyes but I want to know if you all can relate to having so much love behind you from so many different people. So many people from different places that you have healthy relationships from, but you know, none of them behind you are resilient. It hurts you, but it's not their fault. My mom is so important to me. She's a good person, a strong person. We get along as adults. But our roles feel kind of flipped and it's not abuse but it's not healthy either. I don't know how much people really talk about that kind of dirty laundry, but there's a certain kind of burden that comes with this structure. I'm the eldest son. I live in and pay her rent even though I want to move out because she wants to keep the house and I want to make sure my little brother is never alone like me. She's always crying on me. She brings home her boyfriends to me, asks for advice. I break up arguments between her and her long time boyfriend all the time. From before I was in school I was helping at her work and I continue today, despite that being one of the places I was abused.

She never seemed abusive to me because she's always seemed naïve. She just didn't know better. Yet, there's research coming out that they're finding white matter scarring on MRIs of people with hemipeligic migraines. I can't blame her, but her mistakes might have left physical scars on me.

I could have brain damage because she was scared of me getting locked in with a migraine medication again. I was afraid too, but I was a child, I needed her to be strong more than I needed to be strong. I needed her to continue looking for treatment, but she didn't, because she had love for me. She was just there for me, but not to fight for me when I was sick and too young to understand. She was just an inexperienced mother who saw her kid suffering and wanted to hide because of it. Unfortunately I just happened to hurt so much more because of it and I didn't even want to think about all that before my gender therapist asked.

Today, I am 4 months HM free on preventative medication despite bad side effects and ages of dosage adjustment. It's still not perfect, but compared to what I had, it's incredible. I just tried a different of ADHD medication and even some gaps in my vision I thought were permanently ruined due to my migraines were fixed. I'm going to do some research on this tonight, but I'm overjoyed. My vision problems are nothing glasses could fix, I didn't think my ADHD could effect my vision, but I think it might make sense especially with my migraines at the same time and also depression. But that's another post and just my thoughts as a dumber than average non-neuroscientist

TL;DR

Going in for gender therapy is actually not just gender focused. Sometimes you can be surprised with big honking problems you forgot you had. You'll probably walk out of that room with a referral, just prepare yourself for all the other things you were barring behind your gender. Because, I didn't believe them when they said there's always something; but there's always something. Don't be afraid, just be ready. You might bite off more than you can chew like I did, but take it slow. The prescription for ADHD meds at the gender clinic has probably been both the strangest and the best thing that's ever happened to me.

#abuse #gender therapy #transgender #adhd #migraine #hemipeligic #chronic illness #depression #dysphoria #hospital #gender gatekeeper #mtf #neglect #long post #tldr

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lovingconnie-blog · 5 years

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My First Pelvic Rehab Appointment

I’m about 10 years into Sweet Remission from my first gyn cancer, and 8 ½ year into remission from my second gyn cancer. I’ve had 2 major pelvic surgeries, many pokey proddy vaginal tests, 7 weeks worth of radiation and 6 rounds of chemo during active treatment. Since then, I’ve had many follow up CT scans and gyn oncologist check ups. It’s a lot of pelvic trauma.

During all of that pelvic trauma, not a single gynecologist, gyn oncologist, nurse practitioner, physician’s assistant, or nurse has EVER mentioned that a physical therapist may be helpful in my physical and emotional recovery. It’s a tragic failure of the medical community, especially the cancer medical community to not offer a physical therapy referral with even a basic explanation of the potential benefits. I had absolutely no clue, and I’ve suffered emotionally, physically and sexually because of this failure. To me if feels like a lack of caring for the whole patient. I’m grateful that my doctors got me into remission, but getting to it took a big toll on my Whole Being.

I didn’t even know that Physical Therapy could be helpful to me until I went on a Teal Diva Retreat for Ovarian Cancer Survivors in June of 2017. A PT who specializes in pelvic rehab, and is also an Ovarian Cancer Survivor, shared some empowering and fascinating ways that PT may help our unique traumas.

Our mouths dropped open with amazed and many of us experienced waves of anger and disappointment for never being offered this kind of specialized rehab. One of my biggest take-aways of Dr. Glenna Sears-Brinker's talk is that my pelvic floor muscles most likely need to learn how to relax. Until this talk the only thing I heard about the pelvic floor is that it “must be strengthened with Kegel exercises”. Intuitively, that never felt right to me though so hearing that relaxing may be a key to rehab and healing filled me with hope.

I came home from the retreat excited and determined to find a pelvic rehab specialist. My Google searches led me to a couple, but unfortunately, they only work with pregnant women. It felt like another slap in the face by the medical community. I was disheartened and felt isolated. I quit searching. Over the next couple years I developed knee, hip, hip flex-or, SI and sciatic pains as the stress of care-giving grew. I turned to Yoga and old favorite low impact workouts to strengthen and stretch, but despite sometimes temporary relief, things kept getting worse. Still, I had this Knowing that the doorway to my healing was getting closer, the path just wasn’t clear yet.

As a 24/7 caregiver to Hubs, I have learned and accepted that I need to take care of Whole Self so I can show up for him with compassion, kindness and confidence. So this growing pain wasn’t going to work for me.

My mom is very involved in her church and is on a committee with a Physical Therapist. She’s also friends with the PT’s family. I don’t recall my mom mentioning that she specialized in pelvic rehab, though, so I didn’t pay much attention.

Last month I had a massage which brought me great relief. I feel really comfortable and safe with my massage therapist and shared my struggles and intuitive knowing there the right help would come. She asked if she could text a PT friend to see if she may be able to help me. Of course I said yes. And yes this PT could help and I was given her name and number. The name looked a little familiar, but I was so excited and filled with hope that I didn’t concentrate on the familiarity.

Later that night I shared with my mom. She looked at me in disbelief. This was the PT SHE had told me about months ago. She was a little disgusted with me for not just listening to her in the first place, which is maybe understandable. I saw it as Divine Guidance. My path was clearing!

My first appointment was yesterday. I arrived feeling excited and fully IN my body with confidence and a lightness I’m just starting to embody. A younger version of me would have arrived anxious about the PT body shaming me or saying that nothing can help me until I lose weight. The younger version of me would have been defensive and timid. Not the Current Connie, though! My body may not have been receiving rehab or healing, but my mental and emotional Self has been doing a lot of deep healing and opening. So I showed up to the appointment feeling excited, hopeful, and happy believing that the PT would certainly be able to help me.

The appointment started with getting weighed, which I wasn’t really expecting, but I can understand why. Instead of closing down and freakin’ out internally about it, I joked with the Tech about the staff audience that was standing in the scale area. Everyone laughed. The Tech kindly said that she wouldn’t say the number out loud and if I wanted I could close my eyes and not even look. I did look and after the initial internal groan I filled myself with loving accepting words in my head for a few moments, and then shifted my focus to the purpose of the appointment. THAT felt incredibly empowering and so self-loving. I accepted the number, loved myself in that moment, and didn’t let the experience of being weighed send me into a downward self-hate spiral.

Then I met my PT. Instantly, I liked her and felt safe with her. That in itself felt like a miracle!! As I shared my history and what brought me to her, the education and philosophy she shared were in beautiful alignment. She acknowledges that pelvic trauma has a big emotional element, too. I shared with her that I’ve been doing deep emotional healing and that I think my body is catching up. It made sense to her. She didn’t dismiss my “woo-woo” beliefs! I wanted to hug her! She also is frustrated that more gyn cancer survivors aren’t referred to PTs, and even most pregnant women aren’t. I felt validated and valued as Whole Person, it sparked joy.

She gave me an overall body assessment to see how I was moving. I kept my clothes on the whole time, in case you’re wondering. I did simple things like bend down to touch my toes, bend my knees, squat, resist her from pushing my legs in different directions. Then the initial diagnosis- my pelvic floor is tight- VERY tight. Kegels would have been bad for me. I Knew it and my trust in myself grew in that moment. One of the main objectives to healing for me will be relaxing the pelvic floor which will take time and patience. It’s so different than relaxing your shoulders, for example, it takes time and un-learning.

Then I laid down on the table for an external pelvic assessment. In the moment I felt totally safe and comfortable with my PT touching my tummy and rubbing/massaging my scars. I don’t touch my scars, and rarely look at them. Same goes for the tummy, until really recently (more on that in an upcoming post). Yet her doing it for medical purposes was totally fine. I noticed, though, that I disconnected from my body to a degree while she was doing it. The tummy and pelvic areas are such vulnerable spots on the human body... the source of our power, our core, our creativity and sexuality. Yet, cancer and being in a larger body has kept me from connecting to that part of my body since I was 12, if not earlier. How beautiful it is to be coming home to my body with such love, hope and acceptance now.

I learned something really important about scars and doctors from my PT. To get the full impact, I want you to do a quick and easy experiment. Grab the middle of your shirt and pull into a ball. The ‘ball” or “knot” is the scar. Now notice that the entire rest of your shirt is being pulled to some degree. That’s what a scar is doing to your body! Mind blown, right?! Now imagine you have 3 BIG scars in your pelvic area, all pulling on your back, shoulders, hips, SI, and down to your knees and up to your neck. That’s part of the reason my pain has been expanding. Rubbing on the scars, with tolerable pressure, breaks up the scar tissue and fascia which will, eventually, lead to releasing and relaxing the tight muscles that are causing me so much pain. That's another part of my PT work.

I’ve always thought that scars create scar tissue on the inside of our bodies. It just makes logical sense to me. So I’ve always felt disappointed that post surgery doctor visits didn’t address the issue of scar tissue. My PT told me why- it's because doctors think that creating scar tissue is a failure on their part. They think that if they did a good job that scar tissue shouldn’t happen. That’s not been my experience.

Finding this out feels really BIG and important to me. Doctors (generally) feel like they are a failure when it comes to scar tissue, so instead of helping the patient treat it (r care for it) they are usually ignoring it. Of course, it’s not every doctor. In my experience, though, I’ve NEVER had a doctor talk to me about scar care. And I’ve had 5 major surgeries beginning when I was 12. The ego is such a powerful thing. If you have scar tissue, please know that there’s hope with Physical Therapy and possibly other methods.

I did a little Googling last night, after my appointment, about scar tissue because what I learned had such a strong effect on me. There ARE many articles about scar tissue and how to care for them available- even from well-known cancer clinics. So the information is out there, but shouldn’t our doctors, our surgeons, be telling us about it? I hope you’ve had a different experience than I have.

I digress, as usual. Back to first PT appointment.

My PT rubbed my tummy and scars for a few minutes. We found 2 distinct spots that felt really tender in my upper abdomen. One I felt all the way down my left hamstring! The other I felt into my low back and hip. On the scars themselves I could feel tightness and/or pain into my SI joint, low back, glutes and hips. A big lightbulb moment for the origins of my pain! And Divine Synchronicity with another method I just started using to heal that I’ll share in a separate post soon.

Though there was twinges of pain as she massaged, I could also feel relief and relaxing. And more hope came washing over me.

Then I had electrical stimulation while laying on heating pads for 12 minutes. It felt a little tingly, but not painful. It was relaxing. It was the first 12 minutes I’ve had laying down to relax all by myself for a long time. Heavenly.

When I got up off the table and walked out I felt a fantastic shift in my body, greatly reduced pain and the sense of physical alignment. And the Angels sang!!

I have 3 simple stretches to do 3 times a day until next week’s appointment. I’ve done them just TWICE and ALREADY notice a big and wonderful difference. I feel validated and so proud of myself for staying the intuitive course towards healing my Whole Self. I’m so grateful for the path that led to Here.

#hope #pelvicfloor #ovarian cancer #grateful #intuition #physicaltherapy #scars #sacralchakra

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thatkidwiththeunkepthair · 7 years

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It's #RareDiseaseDay! I'm rare. What's your superpower? I'm not going to lie- I've started and deleted this post so many times over the course of today. It's been hard to sit down and actually collect what I wanted to say, because there's so much I can say. I have several rare diseases. At least 4, actually! I have my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, my Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Red Ear Syndrome, and my Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. My Dysautonomia isn't as rare as you would think, though there are a few types of Dysautonomia that *are* rare, but not mine. This time last year, I hadn't even heard of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. A week later, though, I heard it for the first time during my Anatomy and Physiology class, when the teacher glossed over it within two minutes, and later, I heard the saying 'When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras' that same day. In the first few days of March, I had my therapist tell me 'Saylor, there's nothing wrong with you! Accept it!' So I stopped going. I was upset, because I had had so many people tell me 'We just don't know, Saylor' with a sigh. Even Dr. Newton, who did my original fusion, had no idea why I had degenerated below my fusion so badly Later that month, when I had pain in my lower right leg around the pin, I saw an Ortho in town who asked me if I had ever heard of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Evidently, I had forgotten about glossing over EDS in lecture. A month or so later, on April 30th, I saw Dr. Feldman in Bend, who, after getting my medical history, cracked open a big grin and said "okay, show me your party tricks!" And I then received my Zebra status, along with several other diagnoses. Today, I am a proud Zebra. I live with EDS and take the lumps it throws at me. The port. Syncopal episodes. Tachycardia. Dislocations. Spinal fusions. Migraines. Chronic, intractable pain. Nausea. Vomiting. Low blood pressure. Gastroparesis. Weight loss. Braces. Specialist appointments. Steroids. Hospitalizations. Blood draws. Scans. Surgeries. Port placement. Infusions. Medications. Hospital stays. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. Frustration. Comorbid disorders. Allergic reactions. Exhaustion. Sobbing fits. Days when my emotions are everywhere. I had to give up nursing, which, as a lot of people know, was hard for me. I wanted nothing more than to be a nurse or a doctor, but my body just couldn't handle it anymore. I ran myself dry working as a CNA. My body just wasn't cut out for it. But that's okay. I can still do good in the world by becoming a teacher. And now, I'm working in the clinic in document management, and I'm loving my job there, even if it's been a bit difficult this week (migraine on Monday that led to severe vision changes, vomiting, and me flat on my butt for the afternoon, on Tuesday we had the MRA, and today we had issues with my Port not wanting to access and the delay in fluids caused me to pass out 😥😣 but back to work tomorrow, thankfully! :D ). A new chapter in my life is opening up as well. This fall I go to SOU for the early childhood education courses, and today I got all set up with Home health to get my IV fluids done at home instead of the hospital! This means, however, that I'll be accessed 24/7, and while it'll be an adjustment, I think it'll be a good thing! I'm not the same naive person I was this time last year. Now, I'm a little more seasoned. A little more proud. A little jaded. But most of all, I'm still thriving. I'm still able to live my life. And as much as it can suck sometimes, I do really love my life, And wouldn't change a damn thing in it. I'm so thankful for my mom, who has taught me to advocate for myself, and for my dad and my brother, who are there for us when we need them. (Even though they're both a bit chicken to help me relocate joints sometimes 😂😜 ) and I'm so thankful for the family that cares and helps and love us. I'm thankful that we know that I'm rare. I'm thankful for the doctors who treat me, and for the treatment and the scans and the resources available. On this #RareDiseaseDay, I am rare, and man, does it feel good to actually know it ❤❤

#Rare Disease Day 2018 #Rare #I Am Rare #Ehlers Danlos Syndrome #hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome #hEDS #POTS #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #Mast Cell Activation Syndrome #MCAS #Gastroparesis #Red Ear Syndrome

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whyamistillonnetflix · 5 years

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Time for the Year in Review crap.

So here's mine. Some trigger warnings. Some spoilers possible. I'm mostly just writing this for me. Feel free to ignore this.

January, I was in active labor for five fucking days, but because the baby wasn't "under stress" and I was 37 weeks, the doctors legally wouldn't help labor along until I was 38 weeks to the day. Also, KH3 was a disappointment and I blame the DECADE of hype mixed with postpartum depression.

February, just postpartum depression.

March, more postpartum depression.

April I had to deal with physical heartbreak over a fictional character. RIP Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff...

May was weird. A switch got flipped. I was getting back into my normal groove, and then an event pissed me off so much that I became suicidal. Sorta. I seriously thought about downing a pill bottle, and when it hit me that I was thinking like that again, I told Husband and made him lock everything away until I saw the doctor.

June was spent in and out of Doctor's offices and Terapist's offices. I got put on new depression meds, which helped with the self-loathing, but gave me nasty headaches. But Salt Lake Gaming Con was fun. We had a Super Smash Bros group cosplay. I was Zero Suit Samus, Hubby was Snake, my oldest was Isabella, youngest was Duck Hunt Dog (with a plush duck). We had Ridley, Pokemon Trainer, Pikachu, TP Link, and Bayonetta. Plus ran into random SSB cosplayers while there.

July was hell. Family reunions with migraines suck. Moreso when you're stuck camping with a 6 month old and an almost 3 year old. Then towards the end of the month, doctors thought I had a double stroke (at 25) because my depression meds reacted badly with postpartum hormones. That was fun.

August is when my doc and therapist decided to take me off of meds completely. "Wait for postpartum hormones to be completely regulated." Which can take up to a year to regulate. So withdrawals. But a friend got married!!

September was okay. School was back in session, so I was busy working. That was good. I also got to take a day and go to Salt Lake FanX. I took my younger sister with me, and she had a blast. She's an amazing artist, but deals with a lot of confidence issues, so for her to meet some of her favorite artists was a huge boost for her. Almost busted my hand the day before though. Another good note, my oldest turned 3.

October was good. Husband and I celebrated our 4th anniversary and took a week away in Vegas. It was nice to spend time away without being "Mom" or "Teacher". We also adopted Azura on Halloween. That was nice, given that it was below Zero and I was not going to take a toddler Trick or Treating in that cold.

November. This is when the doctor visits for the girls really started. Both girls have Neurofibromatosis or NF. Its genetic, and they got it from dad. The tricky thing is it manifests differently in each case. My oldest has brown spots all over her body and she has seizures. My youngest has brown spots and her left leg is bowed more than normal for a baby her age. Their specialist is talking with us about getting a service dog for my oldest because of her issues, and possible surgery for the youngest if her leg doesn't straighten out by April. It's been a hard thing to come to grips with, honestly.

And finally December. Fuck this month. Rotten kids everywhere. I was attacked by a 7th grader, called racist by a 9th grader that was calling every kid some slur or another and eventually had to be escorted out of the class by the resourse officer, dealt with a teacher that mistook me for a student, calling me things no student should ever be called, and ultimately had to go straight to the district with all the issues previously mentioned. Then I get dumped with my aunt's 5 kids that are all under the age 8, plus my two girls, just so she can go shopping. And on Christmas, I get dumped with her baby and mine while everyone else eats. Did anyone think to save me a plate? Nope. All that was left was mashed potatoes and gravy. So my dinner was a gas station sandwich. And more physical heartbreak over fictional characters. Thanks JJ Abrams. Then the cherry on the cake? My kids end up with Roseola, my husband gets a cold, and an ovarian cyst burst on me this morning.

So, yeah. I'm glad 2019 is over. It had good moments, but damn it was a rollercoaster with a lot of drops. Here's to hoping 2020 is at least a little smoother of a ride. ❤

#year in review #year in reflection #2019 #most of it sucked #some triggers #sorry #it wasnt a happy year #it wasnt all bad #salt lake gaming con #salt lake fanx #those were good times #just ignore this #I'm writing it for me

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rawcbwzx-blog · 5 years

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